Ep 38: The Golden Gate Bridge
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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

Hey, hey, here we are, folks. We might be drunk. We're back. It's good to see you, Sam. You look great. You look fit. Good to be back, baby. You look fit. Thank you. Thank you. I've never been in worse shape. I got AIDS. Well, your bad shape is at least thin. Thank you. Herniated disc right here, baby. Woo! MRI came back. HD. That's what we're in. But the chest hair is popping out. I've always wanted a chest hair pop out. Is it too much? No. It's only one button. I think the ladies like it.

It's one button, but it was call me Armenian and get it over with. Will you genocide? But no, I think it's good. I wish I, my girl's always like, Oh, I wish you had a little more chest hair. Oh, she lays it out there. She's like, give me two more inches of dick, some chest hair and an inch of height. And I'm like, all right, I get it. Uh, my girlfriend says a little less dick and a little less hair. Oh, that's a good place to be. Uh, no, she, I, I, I once had a girlfriend who said, uh,

She wanted me to shave my chest. I was like 21, so I did it. Whoa. Yeah, and it was weird. I remember my brother was like, what the fuck happened? He judged me hard. It looks weird. My dad is the hairiest guy on the planet, and he shaved one time, and I was like, I'm moving out. This is gross. You're not a man. So you shaved your chest? No, no, he did. And I was like, this is horrific. It grossed me out as a young boy, seeing your hero, this manly guy, shave.

It was like, ah, what are you, trans? What's going on here? It was a bummer. Yeah, that's rough. Damn. Yeah, he's a hairy guy. Huge package, you know, military. Yeah. Forearms, like, giant, like, Popeye. Scary dude. Did he ever choke you? A few times. From the, he'd do the back choke, like, get in that fucking car, and you're like, ah, don't hurt me, Dad. You know?

You know that dad energy? You've had it with your son. You have dad energy. Look at those forearms. Oh, yeah. He got that choking his son. Yeah, it was like the Bart Simpson. Well, yeah, dad, do you ever have one of these from your dad?

That'll fucking demonstrate. I got a lot of wrist grabs. Oh, yeah. My dad would never hit me. I got more of the liberal parent. We're not mad. We're disappointed. Oh, that hurts worse. It hurts way worse. I'd rather you hit me with a switch. My mom would cry. Be like, this is horrible. You know? But I get the wrist grab occasionally. Nothing worse than the mom going, you're hurt.

You hear that? You're like, oh, that's bad. That's a bad family. The only thing worse is if she yells at, and you're hard. Yeah, my gal once, one time I had to yell at a cabbie because he was like, he tried to, I accidentally put a hundred bucks in the tip on accident. And he was like, sorry, I can't help you. And I was like, you better change that fucking thing. And she was like, that was so hot. You stood your ground. I was like, wow, women are fucking weird. What are you ladies like?

We have no idea what women want. You're choking him later in the night. She tells you to choke her. It's weird. Yeah. Now I'm like getting Ubers. I'm like, yell at me. I'm like trying to lie to him in the text to start and get laid. Start shit, please. I'll give you five stars. Just call me a weak man. I'll show you what's what. Right, right. Yeah, I'll tip you later. I'll tell you, no respect in my household. My dad choked me, but only during sex. I got to tell you. There we go. Yeah.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met, all right? No respect. That's a great line. Rodney's the best. He's the best. He's the king, and I think he's coming up on a birthday.

- Hundred years. - Woo, very exciting. - Hundred years of Rodney, baby. - Yep, yep, very exciting. - The king. - Wow, that's crazy. Jacob Cohen, real name. - Yeah. - From Queens. - I'll tell ya, and no respect as a kid. My mother, she got morning sickness after I was born, I'll tell ya. - Wait, what is it? I'm gonna blow it.

My doctor said, you're unhealthy. He said, I'm going to get a second opinion. All right, you're ugly too. That's a classic. That's a classic. That's a perfect one. Yeah. Damn. Speaking of it, he was molested. He said it was like a neighborhood pedophile that would drive around. He would drive around? Drive around the neighborhood. He would kiss him on the mouth and he would just make out with him every day. Yeah. He'd be like, get in the car, little boy. And then he would fuck with him, whatever. So when he was young, he got respect. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's what that Aretha Franklin song is about. I had no idea. But yeah, child porn, speaking of kiddie, Nirvana kid, 30 years old, the little boy swimming with the dong out in the pool, suing as calling it child porn.

Is it? I mean, it's art or child porn. I thought it was art. It's a poster, right? Well, here's the rub. If it is declared child porn, we all bought it. I bought that album. Weird to see. Here's the rub right before you talk about child porn. There was a rub.

Yeah, I rubbed one out to that poster. Does that mean that Tower Records had kiddie porn in their store? I guess so, yeah. Isn't that crazy? We all bought child porn. I'm a proprietor of kiddie porn. I saw this ad, though, and he was in the pool doing a shoot for it. Oh, he's looking for a little cash. Maybe. $2.5 million is a lot of money. You want to talk about who had problems. It's hard to sue the guy. Kurt Cobain killed himself.

It's like you weren't more fucked up than the guy whose music it was. Good point. Good point. That's all I'm saying. Also, you could spin it to a positive. Like every girl you hook up with, you're at a bar, you're like, I'm the kid and it's gotten bigger. You know, like that's an in, baby. I was in the pool. Or even worse. I'm a kid. It's the same size. Oh, God. Yeah. That was a tiny dong. But they're all tiny at that age. No baby is a giant dong. Ah.

- Really? - Did you hear about the kid who needed surgery? Pull it up! - Here we go. - Wait, wait, we gotta get a drink. - I need a drink. We didn't drink this last week. We opened the package, the Argyle sparkling wine for my buddy Craig, who came out to my shows in Portland this weekend. - Hey! - He was my camp counselor when I was a little kid, great guy, and yeah, I'm touched that he sent us his package. - Wait, don't say camp counselor and touch to the same sentence. - And package.

Yeah, we're talking about kiddie porn over here. Are we going to get a big Peter North here, or is this just going to come off? Oh! Mazel tov. Very exciting. Pop the cherry.

There you go. That looks good. Sparkling rosé. I've never had this. Now, rosé is a little bit of a housewife thing, isn't it? I feel like it is. Are we house... I mean, it's during the day. This is all right. It's a summer drink. We've been drinking a lot of hard shit. That's true. We don't have our guy here. He got screwed by the Taliban, so we're... Damn it. They got him? They got him. Because we're calling him the Bear Jew. I told you not to pull out...

But yeah, they got him. So thank you, sir. He'll be back next week. We got to wait for Sally to cheers here. Oh, yeah. They always find something. Let's see what we got. All right. Oh, 100 years. Hey. I'll tell you. That's really good. That's refreshing.

Damn. I wouldn't drink a bubble. I don't like rosé, but this is good stuff. It's very good, I think. Oh, shit. Wine is like tap dancing. I can never tell if it's good or bad. Yeah, true. You can tell if it's bad. That's true. Looking up a kid's penis. Big penis? What do you want me to look up? What words? Do you want this on your fucking hard drive? No.

But it was a news story. Kid was born with a huge dong. It was a football shape, literally the size of a football. So it was like a deformity. Yeah, throw a football in there. That'll throw off the government. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Michael Vick, Michael Dick. All right, hold on. So the mom goes, well, obviously we've got to cut this down. So they still gave him eight inches. Wait, what? Why not? How do you cut down a penis? Well, they, you know, what do you call it? Reduction. Breast reduction, dick reduction. I didn't know you could do a dick reduction. Yeah, yeah. That is crazy. You can reduce anything.

Jesus. Oh, sorry. My wallet's going off. Your wallet? What are you talking about? I bought a tile. Look at this. My wallet got stolen a couple months back, so I bought this tracking device. That's smart, dude. I got to get one of those. Tile. Check it out. Send us a free tile, will you? But it goes off every now and then. What do you got? I need the Wi-Fi. We need the Wi-Fi. Pull that up on the Arby's speaker.

Guess Wi-Fi. This is when we hear the sirens pulling up. Jared from Jared Fogel's here, everybody. Man, what a weird run. It's 11401 is the password. Wow, now everyone knows. Now everyone's got that. Dude, this is fucking good. It's pretty good. I'm not a big sparkling. I'm not a champagne guy. I got to be honest. It's good for a celebration. You have the flute. It's fun, but. I don't. If I'm celebrating off scotch or off like a Manhattan or something, I don't.

I want a paper plane again. Paper plane has taken over. Everyone's posting about it. We haven't talked about planes this much since 9-11. It's the biggest thing. Everybody's posting about it. I'm reposting.

That thing took off. I drank so many of those. Call me Amelia Earhart because I did not come back from that one. Talk about spirits. All right. So, man, yeah, I was in Portland all weekend. Helium rocks, man. Oh, great club. Great town. That club rocks, man. The crowds are so good. Uh,

Went to the Nike factory. Overrated, man. You go to the employee store, they give you just posts and someone gives you an access code. What? Picked them up with some free tickets in exchange. Hell yeah. Yeah, I got these right here. They're fun. A little Air Max 95 action. Yeah, you got the Air Max. We're both rocking the Max. We're rocking them. Yeah, it was fun. I had a good time. I was sick as a dog. That's the thing that sucks when you're on the road now. Every time you get a headache, you're like, COVID. Yeah, Delta. Am I out for five? Do I miss a road weekend now because of this shit? I know.

Brutal, yeah. And I'll tell you the other thing. Portland, this is the most Portland shit. I look up and I'm like, let me get tested to make sure I'm not spreading this to people. And they're like, no, none of our places offer that on short notice. I'm like, I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to be a decent dude here. I'm trying to not spread here. And I thought COVID was, I mean, Portland's like crunchy and like super wokey. I thought it'd be all over that shit. Dude, last time I was in Portland, I did not have like my people at the show. It was years ago.

Remember I had that alligator dead baby joke? Oh yeah I was working that joke out there It was like 8 minutes of bombing every show I would be killing it and then I'd do that bit And it would bomb every show And then I was like I should drop it And luckily I was in Tampa the next weekend And they ate that shit up like they were the gator Alright Tampa does not give a fuck And I think it was a Florida story right? And they still loved it They probably knew the kid And they're like yeah fuck that kid There it is

I know that kid. Pull it up. Wait, that's not it. That's a different one. Three penises? That's three dick Mike. Damn. Hold on. He's going to be poly though. Yeah, he can be bi, gay, and straight. Each dick is a different thing. Yeah, exactly. Too bad he doesn't have three hands.

But yeah, Portland, I found that I used to go there, you know, been going there for years and I would call them out for being crunchy and everybody's like, oh, Portland. Oh, here we go. And they would go the opposite. They would be like, yeah, fuck it.

Like, let's get dirty. It's like Salt Lake City. They know their reputation. Yes. So then they come out and they're extra cool. They overcompensate. Then they're like, child rape bits. And we're like, all right, calm down. I'm not trying to. Right, right. Yeah, no, I love that club. I'm there. I think in November. I can't wait. Always do well. We do well in smart...

White cities? You know, like Chicago. Well, Chicago's mixed, but it's like Denver, San Fran, Portland, Phoenix, Austin. I feel like a lot of these are mixed. All right. I hope. I want to be mixed. Yeah. But I don't know. Are black people coming out? They're not vaccinated.

Is that offensive? I'm just going on. 27% of young black people in New York are vaccinated. 27%. That's not that high. That's what I'm saying. They're walking away from the thing. You see the commercials now, and it's like every commercial about getting vaccinated is like a young black guy who's like, I got it, and it didn't kill me. And you're just like,

I see why you're doing it. It's going to be like, well, hey, it's safe, but you know. Right, right. Well, you know, if it works. If any group is going to be distrustful of the government,

I mean, they've kind of earned it. Of course, of course. Tuskegee. I hope they get vaccinated. Sure. But, you know, good. I don't know. I mean, they can handle illness. Magic Johnson. Well, the richest fucking dude with AIDS ever. That's your example for a survivor? Charlie Sheen, also rich. How's he doing? Is he still AIDS riddled?

All right, he was banging Ports. Remember he had that moment of winning and Tiger Blood and all that shit? You knew that wasn't going to last. No, no. That was rough. Yeah, that went out quicker than Smash Mouth. I got to say, though. They were the top of the world. That's how he got it, he smashed Mouth. Oh, my God. He was fucking Ports, though. No, he...

I had the biggest crush on Denise Richards when I was younger. Oh, really? I did someone, I can't say his name, but I did someone's radio show once, and he was like, Rush Limbaugh. And he was like, who are your childhood crushes? And I said, Denise Richards. He's like, who else? I was like, ah, like Jennifer Love Hewitt. And we went to break, and he goes, fuck them both. Whoa! And I was like, all right. Whoa.

I'll tell you, I can't say his name on air. Oh my god, I want to blow this guy. Holy shit. Secondhand Maxim magazine. Holy, I fucked them both. Do you believe him? Yeah. Pull that down, dude. Sam's getting chubbed.

That was a thing in New Orleans for a friend's birthday when they turned 18. Strip clubs, you'd go to strip clubs with your friends when he turned 18, and they would bring the guy on stage whose birthday it was, and all the strippers would dance on him, and if he got a boner, he had to pay. And if he didn't, you didn't have to pay. It was like this fun New Orleans tradition. So they'd be like, oh, you got to pay up. He's hard. We were all like, yeah.

It was a win either way, you know? Just got to bring your gay friend and just torture these strippers. They're like, it's been 45 minutes. We're dancing on this guy. Yeah, Portland is pretty cool, man. I had a good time there for sure. I respect those crowds. We get our crowds now, so I know some people are like, Portland. But no, I think they're pretty cool. They're pretty cool. And they've been through a lot, this pandemic. Wildfires. Yes.

Portland weather is like a dark cloud, and then the alternative is hell rising. I'm like, this is a dark existence you guys have. It's heroin. It's Shanghai. It's crazy. There was protests. There was riots. It got wild out there, so I'm glad they're doing okay. Yeah. Oh, man. Those riots in Portland did not look...

fun. No, no. And here's some controversial voodoo donuts overrated. Still good though. I mean, it's a donut. You can't go wrong. You're not a donut guy. I'm not a donut guy, but I'll eat a, me and him go to the donut pub. It's great. Love the donut pub. Underrated. But also that's ambiance too. True. True. That counter. The Louis episode. Yeah, that was great. But look, it's just a big donut with, with fucking fruit loops on it. Like that ain't, that ain't a,

I'm going to disagree here. I'm going to say Voodoo Donuts. I went there once years ago. Jeff Ross and I hit the one in Austin, and I think we went through 12 donuts. What? We went through 12 donuts. Wow. We just both were just... He had a bunch, and then they recognized him, so they just kept giving him donuts. Oh, man. Well, he went there the year before with Ralphie May, and look what happened to him. Oh, my God.

But yeah, that's not ingenuity. That's not innovative. Oh, it's got an umbrella in it. Whoa. Come on. I'll tell you what works on a donut. This may sound just like overkill. You ever have bacon on a donut? The one at Donut Pub? I never have. That one's fucking good, dude. Give me your top donuts. Well, you're going to hate me. I like cake.

plain donut. I think that's the best donut. I think this is all overkill. Let's see the picture of the cake plain donut. Just the standard. Oh, you mean it's old-fashioned. Old-fashioned. Okay, yeah. Great donut. No, no, no. I'm actually with you on that. I think an old-fashioned is a classic for a reason. I like it with a coffee. Yes. I'm with you. You dip it in the coffee. It's just enough sugar. It's not the glaze. The glaze is dripping with cheese. Nothing lazier than the powdered sugar. Yeah, powdered's the worst. Get out of here. I do like the Homer Simpson donut, too. Oh, the pink. The pink is fun. The pink is great. Pink and the stink.

- Yeah. - Yeah, no, the old fashioned is where it's at. - Oh, I love that. - I love it. - I could eat 10 of those. - Oh, they're fucking good. - So good. Where you at on Krispy Kreme? - It's all right. - It's all right. - It's fine. - It's fine, they do a good donut. - I'll tell you what I like in Portland if I got my sweet tooth on is Salt and Straw ice cream. I'm more of an ice cream guy than a donut guy. - Same, same. What's Salt and Straw? - It's like their famous ice cream place.

- Oh, okay. - Fucking incredible. I mean, I waited on the line once to go there. I wonder what the line, it's, I don't know if it's just, it's crazy good. - Ooh, all right, I'll be there when I go there. I'll be at Salt and Straw. - It's legit. - It's funny how they legalized all drugs in Portland. You guys talking about ice cream and donuts? - Nah. - 'Cause it comes back to the classics, man. - Yes. - Oh, it's an old-fashioned for a reason. - And if it's Portland, it's gonna be Paper Straw.

All right. Which I don't think even help, right? I don't know. That was a myth. I haven't proven that it's bullshit. That was one turtle photo. That shows the power of marketing and social media. It was one turtle photo, and that did it. I want more of this. It's pretty good. Matt, how's your wrist doing, man?

I'm so glad you have finally asked. Matt got really mad at me the other night. Why? Because he told me he got in a biking accident. And what did I say, Matt? So I'm telling him this harrowing story about me falling off a rebel scooter. Which you shouldn't be driving to begin with, man. It's dangerous. I don't want you on those. Oh, it's fine. He used to play baseball.

So, this taxi cab cuts me off. I fall. I wipe out. I start chasing the cab driver down. I knock on his window, and I make him stop. I'm telling a story, and I show him the injury, and he looks at me, and he's like, ah. He goes, you know, I sat behind Molly Shannon on the plane ride here. Ah!

I was like, you didn't even hear my story. I said, oh shit. And then I said, all right, it was basically, you were saying, oh, I've got a story too. Your life doesn't matter. I was tired. I, I, it was, that's not cool that I did that. You did just get off first class flight behind Molly Shannon. Woo.

This is good stuff. I love Molly Shannon. I wrote her a fan letter. I do too. When I was a kid, I wrote her a fan letter and she signed it. What? I wrote to, I loved Night at the Roxbury as a kid, so I wrote to Molly Shannon, Chris Catan, and Will Ferrell. And Chris Catan and Molly Shannon wrote back. I think Ferrell probably got too many. He's a little busy, yeah. Superstar. Oh, dude, I love her, man. I love her. She's so funny. She was on White Lotus. She's killer, man. She's...

I heard she, the rumor is this was on Curb. They said she fucked a guy so well that he had a heart attack. What? Like she's just wild in the sack. That's on Curb. That's an episode though? They talk about it on Curb. Yeah, pull it up. What are you talking about? That was an episode. Larry and Jeff are like, oh, she's great in bed I hear. She's wild. I think he knows her. I think he was like fucking with her. All right.

See? Molly Shedden did not kill two men during sex. It's like a gerbil thing with Richard Gere. It's out there. It's a fun myth. No, dude, I love her. She's so funny, I think. Oh, so funny. So funny. Where has she been? She's just in that thing. Dude, she's in a movie. I forgot what it's called. Look it up. It's by the writer Chris Kelly from SNL. I think it's a real story where his mom died of cancer. She should have won an Oscar for it. Oh, really? She's that good in it, man. She's a beast. It's one of those roles where you're like,

oh shit, like you are a legit actress. You're not just a comedic... Like it was a dramatic performance where you're like, whoa. And she...

one time Schumer was having a party and I'm with Rachel Feinstein and we're both running late to a, to a seller spot and we're panicking. We're like, fuck, we're going to miss our spot as he's going to kill us as a weekend. And, uh, Oh boy. Molly Shannon parties were hard to leave, hard to leave because there's free booze, fun crowds. Molly Shannon's in the elevator with us. And I think she just overheard us panicking and she runs across the street and we, we just see her go, I got you guys a cab. Oh,

I was like, this is like the best person. What a night. I was at one of those parties, the Schumer party, and I was pretty drunk. I'm walking around and I'm like,

And like a dream, like an angel. I saw Marissa Tomei dancing with her shoes off, like alone. And I was like, oh, my childhood crush. And she was like, you want to meet her? And I was like, of course. And I went up and I was like, hey, my cousin Vinny. And she was like, oh, yeah, yeah. You said my cousin Vinny? What the fuck? I didn't know what to say. I said Seinfeld. I was like, I saw you. It's George. I panicked. You got to pretend you don't know who they are. You're like, oh, Marissa? Oh, OK. I'm Mark. Nice to meet you. I've seen her naked. I couldn't contain myself.

Was she naked in The Wrestler? Yes. And Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Oh, she's getting railed from behind. Sidney Lumet. Oh, is that him? That was his last one, I think. Whoa. Am I right, Sally? Looking it up. That was a good movie. Great movie. I mean, you get fucking Phyllis Seymour Hoffman in anything. Oh, there she is. From Brooklyn, by the way. Yeah, she's beautiful. She still looks great. Still looks great. And great actress, obviously. Great actress. But, I mean, dude.

So you think I'd fucking know what the deer was wearing? That was my horrible, my cousin Vinny. One of the all-time great comedies. Great comedy. Doesn't get brought up a lot, by the way. Sidney Lumet. So I just watched, I made my girlfriend watch Dog Day Afternoon. She fell asleep. She was tired from that before. She fell asleep for like 20 minutes, so she got the gist. She fell asleep in the middle of 20 minutes. I was still pretty upset. Yeah, it's amazing. Because, oh, it's, I think it holds up as one of the best movies ever. Here's what blows my mind about it is like,

he's not only bi, but he's paying for a sex change. And they're not cheap about it. I mean, there's a couple cops laughing, which is just realistic. I thought it was pretty...

tastefully done for a 70s movie. Yeah. About trans way ahead of the game. And it's also fucking hilarious. Like when John Cazale fucking legend, by the way, five movies and they're all classics nominated for Best Picture. Whoa. And he was dating Meryl Streep. Yes. Well, that's a power couple. Yeah. Amazing. Wow. That was just that was a rough one. The problem with that sex, though, is if they fake it, you believe it.

Because they're great actors. They orgasm you. You're like, was that real? I'll never know. She went to Juilliard. Yeah. He's so good he could fake cumming. Oh, my God. He's like, wow. You're a good actor. He brought props. No, he, dude, the whole thing where he's like, we got to leave America. Where should we go? And he goes, Wyoming.

That's one of my favorite things. That's a great moment. God, that movie's good. Dude, Pacino, can I give you my rec for this week? So Dog Day Afternoon, obviously classic. We haven't seen it. You should see it. But here's my rec, and it's a little more off the grid. Attica. Attica. Sorry. Sorry. Dude, that seems like... The movie's amazing. Dog Day Afternoon is...

One of the best movies ever. Amazing movie. And the Brooklyn scenes with the kids where they're all watching. It's all great. It's a time capsule for New York in the 70s. Killer. My favorite movies are movies that have everything where you're like, there's funny parts, there's sad parts, there's tense parts, there's action. That's the real guy. He looks just like Pacino. I know.

- Oh wow, it kinda looks like De Niro too. - Yeah, De Niro could've, Godfather II De Niro could've played that. - Definitely. - Or like Mean Streets De Niro. - Wow, 72, failed bank robbery. Have you been to the bank, Sally? - Yeah, it was in my old neighborhood. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, it's right near Park Slope. - Oh my God. - How cool is that? - Yeah. - So you were probably a kid when this happened. - Yeah, I didn't know about it, but yeah. - Wait, when were you born?

- All right. - Don't make him say more. - All right, all right, all right. - This is the same space as probably. - Attica, Attica. Dude, so here's my rec and it's a lesser, 'cause I got a Pacino kick. 'Cause like, there's, all right, look, here's the deal. Pacino's been in some stinkers. He's also been in some of the best movies ever. So here's a lesser known Pacino movie from the 90s. - Simone. - No. - Okay. - Jack and Jill, no. No, here's my pick. It's from the 90s.

It's streaming on Amazon. It's a Michael Mann film. I haven't seen it since I saw it in the theaters. Wait a minute. Are you going to say what I think you're going to say? What?

Not Heat. Oh, not Heat. Okay. Simone? I just said that. Did you say that out loud? I just said that. No. The Insider. Oh, yeah. It won Best Picture. It didn't win Best Picture. I don't think it did. Nominated. Didn't win. The Insider. Wait, do I know this movie? It's like a big, it's a fight against like big tobacco, basically. Russell Crowe, Pacino, Christopher Plummer. It's fucking amazing. Good cast. Killer dialogue. I don't know it. I saw it. Last time I saw it was in the theaters. I remember being a kid when I saw it and being like, wow. Oh, yeah.

I was like rocked by it. Wow. It's like two hours and 40 minutes, but it's like there's so many scenes where you're like, shit, that was good writing. Wow. I don't know. I know The Inside Man, which was- That's a good movie. That's good. I think a little overrated, but it's good. But it's a fun heist movie. Yeah, it's a Spike Lee joint, but- Clive Owen's fucking fun, man. I love Clive. He's playing Clinton, by the way. Did you see that? What? They're doing an FX movie, kind of like the OJ one. They're doing one on the Clinton Lewinsky. Clinton Tarantino? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, but that looks fucking good. And Clive Owen is playing Clinton. That's a weird choice. It would never even cross my mind. I know. It kind of worked, though. I saw a trailer. I mean, he's great. I love him in Closer, man. Oh, man. Talk about a movie punching you right in the taint. I mean, that was like, because every relationship you had, it all came up. And the cheating and the wanting this girl and this girl wants you, but you want that one. Oh, my God. Amazing. Okay, it was nominated.

in 2000, Lost to American Beauty. That's what I told you, man. You're nominated. But dude, Pacino and Crowe are great. I'm going to watch it. It's a real Pacino showcase. It puts his overacting...

to use. Like when you, you know, like, yeah, I'm just getting warmed up. Like that type of shit. Yeah. I still love son of a woman. I still can't resist. If it's on TV, I'm going to watch it. Yeah. Yeah. It's corny as shit, but it is. It's like Forrest Gump where you're like, this is all ridiculous, but I'm on board. I'm on board. Yeah. It's, it's,

Also, the scene where he's tangoing, you're like, you can't not. I know. I love Pacino. What can I say? Oh, yeah, totally. I'm a movie guy, man. Shit. I like him, too. He's a legend. God damn it. God damn it. Give me a rec. And go watch Heat, too, while you're at it if you want some 90s action. He is fucking fun. I didn't know this was a Michael Mann. What? This is a Michael Mann movie? I would say Michael Mann's best movie. What?

I put it ahead of heat. Come on. I think it's a, I think it's a masterpiece. Wow. All right. I got to watch it. I've never seen every scene is it's different than he, he does a lot of action and he has a lot of like, he does great tense moments, but this is like all in the writing. Like it's all dialogue. It's all like, it's,

I don't think there's a spoiler, but it's like there's not really violence in it. There's just like the lingering threat of violence. Interesting. And to me, that's like kind of more impressive to make. It's like a very adult...

It's almost like you don't see the monster, so it's scarier. It's kind of like that. Right. And the monster's like big business, basically, right? Like trying to ruin your life. But man, it's fucking killer. All right. Pacino just kills it. Michael Mann's a fucking beast. I love him. Oh, boy. I love Collateral, too. Collateral's underrated. Underrated. Yeah, Michael Mann's great, although Ali shit the bed. I walked out on it. What?

One of the only movies I've ever walked out on. Wow. I hated it. And I love Jamie Foxx and Will Smith, but I fucking hated the movie. What didn't you like about it? I haven't seen it since it came out, so I don't remember it. Yeah, a lot...

Yeah, no, I saw it in the theater. That was the last time I saw it. Wow. I just remember being like, nothing's happening. It's boring. It's not well. I'm a big fan of everyone involved. I just didn't like, I couldn't take it. I've never walked out of a movie. Oh, I think it might be one of the only ones I've walked out on. Damn. That's wild. If I paid for it, I'm going to do it. Same with bad milk. I'll drink it. I got to get rid of it. Alcohol. I can't let it go. Alcohol. I can't let it go. Yeah.

I ate a piece of pizza at the stand. There was just a piece of pizza on the table. I ate it, and I was like, is that yours? I'm like, somebody's wasting this pizza. I ate the pizza. I probably got Delta. Oh, I'm glad I'm right next to you. Thanks. Can you get it from a pizza? I hope not. Jeez, if that's true, then fucking Little Italy's fucked. Ah, good point, good point. How about... Italy, Big Italy got fucked. They were fucked hard during COVID, weren't they? Give me a rec.

Well, if we're going dudes, I'm going Wreck Roadrunner. I gotta watch it. I'm putting it off. I'm a documentary cunt. It's...

Talk about capturing the sadness. You feel like it's heavy. Well, it scares me because it's very close to home for us. It's traveling. Yes. Literally, the guy who gets to the peak of where we could get to, and he kills himself. Yeah. Well, if you want, you can just watch the first half because it's all him making it. He's a nobody, heroin addict, chain-smoking chef in Manhattan. Skinny,

Kind of weird looking earring. You know, that earring was rough. That ear was rough. Sleeveless. Like he's like a kind of a punk Iggy pop type dude. And he's got a wife. He's got a small apartment and he sells his book and just skyrocket fucking rocked. Is it good? I loved it. The, my, my girl's reading it now. She's like, this book's amazing. It's so good. It's, uh,

It's funny. I mean, it's written with so much passion. Like he talks about cooking and food, like how we talk about comedy. Yeah. He talks about restaurants. He's cynical. I remember hearing him on Marin once talk about how like the way, like I think they made the connection together that like,

It's very similar to comedy being a cook because line cook, chef, sous chef, there's that pecking order. MC, feature, headliner. The hierarchy. Yeah. Yeah, well, he worked his way to the top, but you can see him on a flip phone. It's like 1998, 1999, and he's like, what?

It's number seventh on the bestseller, and then it becomes bestseller, and then people are like, you want to do a TV show? And he's like with his wife going, oh my God, this is overwhelming. That shit's fascinating. The fact that they have footage of this stuff is unreal. I have no footage of me as a young nobody, you know, but they got footage. He's in the kitchen. He's sword fighting with the bus boys, you know. He's just a fun dude. He was fun, man. Fun guy, but then it gets just...

The travel. I mean, look, I want to watch the Kobe one really badly, but I know the Kobe one's going to fuck me up because I love Kobe. Yeah. I'm just such a fan. Like,

Of everything. And I know, like, Kobe has this imperfect legacy and, you know, but I loved him. Like, it's one of the things where, like, people talk about Michael Jordan's impact. But, like, I was a baby when Michael Jordan was drafted. Right. Kobe, you watched it all. I watched, I was 10 when he was drafted. So I saw his whole, whole fucking career. Yeah, you grew up with him. I grew up with him. Oh, hopa. Fucking dance, brother. Let's try this other one.

Shall we? Please. Hold on. Let me put this. I'm not a big rosé fan. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't love it, but this is good. I'm just not a big rosé guy. It is good. I'm not a big white wine or rosé. I'm a fucking red wine drinker. Yeah, you too. I'm a white wine fella, but I'm saying anything highfalutin, just regular, just give me wine. Yeah. Like I buy the $11 jug and I'm just like, get the wine in me.

That's not a good sign. This is just champagne, I think. No, this is Chardonnay, you said, I thought. That's what it says there, right? Is it one of those? Yeah, 100% Chardonnay. It's got to be from the region of Champagne, France. It smells pretty fucking good, actually. Have you guys seen this? I may have sent it to you. What? This trailer. This is called L.A. Takedown. This is way better. Made by Michael Mann.

Before heat is it good? I think I sent this to you during the pandemic. I think oh, no I think we watched some of it at your place. I think it's like a sizzle to sell heat No, this is a whole ass movie. Oh Whole ass movie who's in it anyone we know no, it's a bunch of nobodies and it's no I know that guy though shot for shot of heat Oh, no, I don't know that guy. Maybe this is like his

Robert Rodriguez. Yeah, he needed to make this to make that. I like this better than the robot. Look at the shot. Yeah, look at that. Shot for shot.

Like the vaccine. This was just Johnson and Johnson. Yeah, yeah. Then he was Pfizer, baby. You know what sucks for these actors? Like, I don't know who these guys are. Way better. I'm more of a Chardonnay guy than Rizzo, for sure. But, uh...

You know, it sucks that these actors are like this director. You get cast in this movie with Michael Mann, but then it's like, I hope they had good careers after that because, like, you fucking, what are the chances you work with Michael Mann as an actor? I know, I know. The way there's so many good comics that people have never heard of, there's so many good writers and actors that people have never heard of. Oh, there's more. More.

I was talking to Soder about this last night. Being an actor, it's like being a—that's why they're all nutty, because it's like being a hunter or a forager. You just got to go in and get it or not. It's almost like you shoot a bow at the deer, an arrow, and the deer goes away. You got to figure out how to get the next deer, the next meal. They all just were apart. They don't get it. That's it. Except before hunting the deer, they have to beg the deer to like them. Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, exactly, or blow the deer. - Please, please. Dude, I like this one way better. - This is way better. I will drink that. - That's fucking good, dude. - This is really good. This tastes like champagne. - I'll tell you. - Argyle. - Good champagne really seems to good. - Blanc de Blanc, white of whites. - I think Back to School is my number one when I'm depressed movie. - Oh yeah.

It actually is great on Rotten Tomatoes. It's like 86. Really? Yeah, it's a good movie. What's your go-to depressed movie, though? I go Ferris Bueller. Ooh, that's good. I love Ferris Bueller. I don't know why. That movie just hits me right in my sphincter. It just resonates with me. It's just fun. It's fun.

I think Broderick would like us. I feel like we would get along with him. Yeah, he was a little depressed on... Comedians? Comedians and Cars. I liked him, though. He was funny, too, though. He was dry. I liked that. I feel like he's theater-y, which may not work to our advantage because we're a little more clubby. But I just love the elections. Oh, man, that's an underrated movie. That might be top ten comedies for me. As a dark comedy, that's not much better than election. Yeah.

But yeah, Roadrunner, great. You got to see it. It's good. But is it going to depress the shit out of me? A little, yeah. But also, hey, you're living. He's died. He killed himself with a daughter. But you're not, and that's what you got to take from it. You got to fight the demons and push on. If you're dealing with that shit, not to get serious at all, but please get help. Because that's like, you know, one thing that we lost a guy we look up to, but do that when you have kids. Just fucking...

- Crushes me. - I know, I know. - The idea of that? - It's a little selfish. - I dated someone whose father did that and it was like-- - Really? - Yeah, it was fucking terrible. It fucks the kid up. It's not good. - You must think that their life will be better without you. That's the only way you could do that. - I don't think you're thinking rationally in that moment. I don't think you're thinking about other people in that moment. I think you're in horrible pain. - Yeah, of course. - I don't think you're thinking about your kid in that moment. - You know how he did it? - No. - Hung himself.

He was a booze bag. He was a pill head, all that shit. And he was sober. Toxicology report, clean. Which is even crazier because that means he was like, I'm doing this. Wow. And hang, that's torturous. Well, it got weird, but...

I'm well hung. I was watching this doc on Spalding Gray. He was also another New Yorker, genius, intellectual. Killed himself. Jumped off the back of the Staten Island Ferry. Wow. Is that right? Yeah. See, that's risky because you might just float.

I think he had intent. So it's like, let me just go down with this. Oh, it seems like instinct would kick in. You start, I don't know. Yeah, some people, like the people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and the second they do it, they regret it. Like the survivors. There's a movie about that. Yeah, I mean, that's just the thing where I'm just like, I don't know, man. I think you're not thinking right in that moment. Yeah. You get to a low point and you're not mentally right. I mean...

I don't know. That's fucking dark. Yeah, wouldn't you love to be the save? Wouldn't you love, because there was the movie The Bridge.

Hell of a documentary. They just pointed a camera at the Golden Gate Bridge for like two years and got, I think, I don't know, 12 jumpers? Way more than that. More than that. Okay. So one guy got up on the railing and was about to do it, and this guy just grabbed him and pulled him back in. The guy was like, no, let me do it. And he pulled him in, and then eventually the guy was like, thank you, you saved my life. But wouldn't you love to be that guy? I would love to be the pull-you-in guy. Really? Oh, yeah. You're a hero. You saved the guy's life. What if the guy just jumps to like a day later? Then you're kind of like, thanks, thanks.

- Thought I stuck my neck out for you. - 24 suicides. - 24! - Damn. - And how long do they point the fucking camera at that thing? What a shitty director, by the way. I got an idea and it's gonna be real easy. - One year. - One year! - We can't get our ideas made, but they're like, "Suicide's off a bridge."

Now we're talking. Yeah. I like it. We're in there pitching comedy, funny stuff. Ah, too fun. How many deaths are going to be in this? Right, right. How many settings? How many locations? Can they be real people? I was just pitching a comedy. Not good enough. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they don't have to pay the guys who died. That's a great gig for the director. Yeah. They gave him a day rape, but they never collected. They never collected. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's great. I love how we're like, get help, everyone. And then we're laughing at their... Well, that's what we do, right? I mean, we are sincere selves, and then we have the way they're not their real selves when they kill themselves. We're not maybe our real selves when we're making fucked up jokes. Good point. We're dealing with life, right? That's our shit. As I always say, fuck you. That joke's offensive. Apologize for the joke. Sorry. You didn't mean that apology. I didn't mean the joke either. Ah! Suck on that! Jokes is funny, you know.

We watched Ted last night. My girlfriend and I watched Ted. And I remember we watched that in my hotel room in Vancouver. It was you, me, List, Gary Veeder, Carmen Lynch. Forgot about that. We were all in my hotel room in Vancouver. We did a festival and we watched the movie Ted. Oh, yeah. Great movie. Great movie. Great comedy. Dude, the amount of politically incorrect jokes. And they're just good jokes. They're just funny jokes.

It's funny that you need a bear, a little stuffed bear to do those jokes for us to be like, well, it's okay. Because you're like, well, he's a bear. But it's a man voicing the bear. That's how dumb people are. We need a bear to do this shit. South Park is a perfect example of that. I mean, it's...

Horrifying shit, but they're little paper animations. Nobody gives a fuck. Have you gone back to Rick and Morty yet? I like it. I like it. How many in are you? I'm three in. Are you going to keep going? I'm going to keep going. I'm going to finish it. It's fucking incredible, dude. Yeah, it's great. I like the grandpa. He's the best. He's the best character. I love him, man. But yeah, uh...

Ted, great. I saw, I was getting a lot of shit for like doing dark humor for a while and it kind of gets to you because you're like, shit, I don't want to, we don't want to hurt anybody. That's not our intention. We don't want to offend or whatever. But they're hurting themselves. Of course. Like watch a fucking clip of my comedy. If you come to the show, I don't do that many sets anymore. I'm mostly just doing the road. I'll do like a few sets a week in the city, but like I'm tired. I'm on the road every week. Sure. So I mostly do the road. So if you don't watch the comedian you're seeing, then you're kind of an idiot. I agree.

I don't go to a movie blind. I read a couple things about it. It's like going to showgirls and being like, there's all this nudity. I feel the same way. What is your deal? But either way, I forgot my point. You do all these dark jokes. And it got to me. All these people mad at me and yelling at me and calling me a whatever and this and that. Homophobe, racist. I'm like, where are we getting all this? But I saw Seth MacFarlane on Bill Maher one night randomly on the road flipping through it.

He said the amount of death threats he gets for Family Guy jokes was like, I don't know, he gets like 8,000 a day or something. And I was like, all right, this is just part of it. I heard like 12 of them jumped off the bridge. Yeah, but it sunk in. Like how much joy is Family Guy brought the whole world? People love that show as a joke a second. They're not all great, but some are amazing. And Ted's great.

And like the joy outweighs the... And you're sending someone a death threat. Who's the bad guy here? You want him dead? And he told a joke? And you're the good guy? Blow me! Oh, dude. And like the amount of people that love that show. I remember I went to like a Sixers basketball camp in Philly for like a week one year. Yeah. My parents just said, they were like, just get out of the city. We don't want you around. Wow. And I went there and it was like... And...

So I go to basketball camp and it's like me and like, you know, two other white kids and like 50 black kids in our bunk, you know, and there's like one little tiny TV and we all huddle around and we watch family. - Yeah, the great Yuma Flyer. - Right, right?

Everyone was laughing at myself. Every fucking person was like, oh shit. Like it was like one of those things where you're like, ah, dude. So yeah, yeah. He's going to get death threats when you're that big, but also, and you're irreverent, but you're making something fucking awesome. I know. I know. Chappelle said he got a, like,

This is the 90s, so he got bags of hate mail for that Tyrone Bigsby with the blind white supremacist. Classic. That's such a brilliant bit. How are you dumb enough to not get? I know. I showed it to my mom, who was like,

You know, like, obviously a very smart woman, but she's not, like, hip to comedy. She's like, this is brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant, yeah. I mean, she is hip to comedy. I should take that back. My mom is very hip. I don't even know why I said that. But, you know, my point is that that has a range of people that should like that. But then, see, to me, you're more sane where you're like, that Bourdain doc, that's going to be tough. That is valid. Well, because I love him. Because I love him. I loved his work, and I respect him. To me, I just know that I'll feel it.

Right. You're going to feel it. I'm a sensitive guy. So I'm like, if I'm going to watch that, I'm going to, I'm going to be like, fuck, I love that guy. Yeah. You know, that's why it's tough for me to watch the Kobe one too. It's just like, I loved what they did and what they represented. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the, the,

the Michael Jackson thing when that, I never watched it. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see him touching kids and kids being sad and all that. And then people get mad about jokes. I think, I think Kobe and Bourdain had a bigger impact on me than Michael Jackson. I know. I'm just making the point like that. I couldn't watch that. I never watched it. You did? Yeah. Ah,

All right. I wanted to know. What happened? Two kids that he definitely was inappropriate with. I don't need to see that. Allegedly. Do you think he was? I think he did, too, but I don't want to see it. Would you let your kid sleep at his fucking place? Absolutely not. That's what I'm saying. There you go. But even if he wasn't inappropriate, you don't let... I mean, shit, I wouldn't let him sleep at... If I had a kid, I wouldn't let him sleep at any celebrity's place. Maybe Kevin Spacey. All right.

He just turns to the camera. Now y'all think I molested this child. But let me tell you real quick, I'm much more clever than that. I'm missing the cards. Oh, dude, Spacey's a killer. One of the only good Netflix original series. How many good? Mindhunter was good. Yeah, that was good. Queen's Gambit was good. That was huge. That was excellent. She lives in my building. Does she? Yeah.

I don't know if that ruins my life with my address, but she lives in my building. And it's not even a great building. It's not like this insane building. She's great. I love doing that show. It's one of those shows where you know where it's going, but it doesn't matter. It's just like a fun...

distracted and it came out the perfect time we all needed a feel good show during this fucking shit storm is it feel good i've never seen it you've never seen queen's gambit no i gotta get on that oh it's it's fucking good yeah everybody loves shared experience we all had as a country in a time when we needed to be together yeah yeah it was like a positive separated we needed something to come together with and it was like that and then the tiger king oh tiger king was crazy love tiger king yeah that was fun

That's out there. Queen's Gamby you would like. All right, I'm down. I'm shocked you haven't watched that. Yeah, I'm shocked too. I've seen everything else. I'll get on it. I think I tried it. Finish Rick and Morty first, though. I'll do that first. All right, give me a peeve. Okay, I got a couple. I don't know how long we've been going here. Oh, and I got another rec for you, and it's for you specifically. Ooh. Because you're an oatmeal man. I am an oatmeal every morning with peanut butter. I got a fucking better one for you. Oh, boy. Overnight oats. Huh? You never do overnight oats? Never heard of it.

I know Hall knows. It's good, dude. So you just put oats in a little, like put them in a mason jar, like one cup of oats, one cup of like milk.

And then just throw whatever the fuck you want in there, dude. What? You can put peanut butter, cinnamon, some berries. I'd throw some fucking blackberries in that shit. Oh, that's good. Blackberries are the most underrated berry, by the way. I'm a Raz man. Raz man? I go Raz over black. They're both good. They're both good. But if they're Baldwin's, Alec is the fucking blackberry. No. Let's be real. Alec is blue. Really? Blueberry is number one. Overexposed. Okay.

Fine, so let's do this with the Wayans, brother. All right, there you go. There you go. That's a blackberry. Get off the back. This show just turns into taste buds after three drinks. No, no, overnight oats. You put it and you just take it out in the morning. Just seal it off with a mason jar. It's amazing.

Wow, interesting. But that takes a little planning. We're drinking. I'm not going to be thinking, oh, got to get the oats. It takes fucking three minutes before you go to bed. You put it in and you open it. It's less time than oatmeal. Oatmeal, I put it in, quick oats, 38 seconds in the microwave. It's better than oatmeal. All right. I like oatmeal, but this tastes better. And this is cold, too. I don't want cold. Cold is good because I do hot coffee in the morning, so it offsets the hot. I have some variety. Okay. Okay.

I don't know. I like a hot oatmeal, but I'll try it. I'll try it. I'm telling you, it's going to change your life, brother. Change my life. I'll try it. It's good stuff.

You're really selling it. This is up there with Inside Man. I'm like, I don't know, man. This is better than Heat? I like Heat, especially in my oatmeal. I didn't say Inside Man is better than Heat. I said Insider is better than Heat. I'm sorry, Insider. Insider. It's better than Heat. All right. I love Heat. The Insider is better. Okay. It's a better movie. Do you disagree? No, I like Heat more. Okay. Oh! But I think he's great. I think he's a better movie. Insider, great name for a porn, too. I mean, that's just sitting there. But Insider. Insider.

I'll call it heat. I'll tell you. It's like man is a gay porn. You'll see what I'll tell you. All right, here's a peeve. Yes. This is Asian restaurants that do this. It's mostly Thai and Chinese. They throw in like a secret hidden ghost pepper. Oh,

Oh, you're so right. That's true. I fucking hate that shit. I'm having Thai yesterday. I get a pie, a salad. Out of nowhere, I have a tiny pepper in my mouth. It's the hottest thing I've ever eaten in my life. Yeah, yeah. How about a little fucking warning? It ruins the meal. It ruins everything. You're done after that. I'm chugging fucking milk. Yeah, right.

I know. I'll tell you. It sucks. I'm taking a load on my dick. It's a milk crate challenge. All right. I'll tell you. Yeah, it's a nightmare, that fucking hot pepper. It comes out of nowhere. It ruins your day, your shit blood. I'm with you.

And then you look like a bitch on the other. Ah, and you're like, what? I ate it too. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't that bad. You're like, no, I got the pepper. It's awful. General So's will do this. And if you're a fucking rookie, you'll eat one of those black peppers. But those will fucking, you got to take the little tiny pieces. Yep. Because I love a General So's chicken. Oh, yeah. Is that your go-to Chinese order? No, I'm a pepper steak. Pepper steak? I like the steak with the bell pep. Can't go wrong.

Yeah, I like General Tso's. It's too American. It's sweet. It's gooey. That was a bunch of Chinese people going, this isn't selling. We got to make it fatter and sweeter, and the Americans will buy it. I love a General Tso's. I mean, I like it.

What's the reason for that and... Sesame? Sesame. The sesame's, brother. That's it. That's it, just they sprinkle some seeds. I think so, right? I remember I got into a fight with a friend when I was a kid, and I was like, General Tso's is better. He was like, Sesame's better. We were both fucking idiots. It's Coke and Pepsi. It is. It's the same shit. Look up General Tso. Who the fuck is this guy? Orange chicken is just, I think, like, it's the same shit, but like a slightly sweeter maybe. I don't know. It's too much goo on there. How about, I like a little chicken with garlic sauce, actually. Oh.

- Oh, shrimp with garlic. - An egg roll when you're being nasty. - Say it again? - An egg roll. - Oh yeah, you dip it in there and that sweet and sour, woo! - How do you feel about cold sesame noodles? - I'm into it. - Yeah, me too. - I grew up on Chinese, I love that shit. - That might be my favorite cuisine.

Whoa. I mean, all right. Put Thai over Chinese. Thai might squeeze in now just because we're getting damn good Thai. Yeah, it's true. But I have the childhood comfort of Chinese. Same, with the takeout and the to-go box and the fucking little carton. Come on. It's tough. I feel like it's kind of like Movies Without Sound that I grew up with, but then Movies Without Sound came out, and I'm like, I still like Movies Without Sound. I love Buster Keaton. Yeah. Dude, Sherlock Jr. is playing the film for him. We should go. Ooh.

Is that Buster Keaton? Yeah, yeah. Buster Keaton's a fucking genius. I mean, unbelievable. That guy's unreal. Broke his back doing anything. His neck, I think, too. Oh, his neck. Maybe it was the neck. It might have been both. Might have been both. He would do his own stunts. Yeah. Buster Keaton's

- Crazy. - He did his own stunts and he thought of them. He wrote it too, like this guy is on another level. - Which is crazy 'cause you could just write out I'm not gonna maybe break my neck. - Yeah, yeah. No, he was incredible. And Universal, by the way, you can play him in China and he'll get laughs. - Well that's the genius of silent movies. - Yeah, yeah, Chaplin too. What do you got? - I got General Tso here. - Mm.

1812? He was a general. He was very hefty. And he, uh, no. Yeah, like, what's the deal? Military leader. I don't know. They just like him. Probably just named after him. Okay, I didn't know if he made it. Like Colonel Sanders. You know, he was a colonel and he made chicken.

Dude, this is fucking next level. I think I'm just not a rosé guy. Me neither. Because this is fucking, I normally am not, like white wine, I'm like, it's fine, I'll drink it. But I like red wine better, but like, this is fucking solid. All right, let me give you a peeve. Hit me. This thing has bothered me for years. I could never think of it when you asked, and it happened to me again, and I wrote that shit down. Tootsweet.

I'm laying in bed. You know, I have trouble sleeping much like you. I'm not a good sleeper. Awful. I haven't slept all week. Yeah. I haven't slept all fucking week. Not once this week. It's amazing. When you get a good night's sleep, I feel like I'm Superman. I'm on roids. I feel so energetic, but I get no sleep and my lady can fucking go out like Cosby victim. I mean, it's just like a drop of a hat. I'm going to bed. She's done. She's in there. It's gone. I'm like, ah, too bad you're not Cosby. I know. Right. Right.

But she's gone. She's out in two seconds. It's a gift. If you have that at home, that's a gift. It's like the people don't get hung over. You're like, that's a gift. It's unreal. Yeah. So I can't sleep. I'm laying in bed thinking about childhood, you know, bedwetting, my scary dad, whatever. But she'll wake up in the morning and nudge me and go, hey, you sleeping?

You ever have that? Hey, you sleeping? Like, are you kidding? If I was sleeping, now you woke me up. So that's ruined. And if I'm not sleeping, you would know it. So now you just ruined the morning. She's like, you sleeping? You up? You sleeping? I'm like, yeah, I was. You ruined it. It's all over. I can't go back. It's done. I hate that you're sleeping. Are you asleep? What do you mean, am I asleep? If I was asleep, I wouldn't answer you. Am I snuggled up holding my teddy bear? Yeah, I'm asleep, bitch. Yes! Yes!

Was I snoring? Then yes, I was asleep. Now you woke me up. So I got to wake up, answer your question, and then the morning's ruined. I hate you sleeping. I'm real bad. I get anxiety. I get this shit where you go into bed. Usually when I get my anxiety, my heart's racing. When I know I've got six hours and I'm like, shit. If I go to sleep right now, I get six hours. So my heart starts racing. Then I'm like, shit, five hours, four hours. Yes, yes. And I just don't sleep. Yes, that's the worst. So this morning...

This morning I shot up when the alarm went off because I was awake. Yeah. So it's like, it sucks. I just wake up like an hour before the alarm. I haven't slept all week because I had to reroute my flight from Portland because of the hurricane here, which I was telling Mark, I'm like, dude, you should change your... I have neurotic parents. So my dad is like, you can't try to land at LaGuardia. There's a hurricane all day. And I'm looking and I'm like, shit, there is a hurricane all day. Let me call Delta. Yeah.

And I was landed at midnight. I would have been fine. And of course, my dad's like, blazes. I'm like, first off, I'm like, they have a better grasp of the weather than you do. Yeah. They're literally dealing with the weather. Well, these are Jews. We do control the weather. Yeah, yeah. But...

You know, so I canceled my flight. I flew to L.A. and then I so I lost another day. Wow. Another travel day. I'm telling Mark and Mark is like, I'm going to chance it. And Mark makes Mark fucking rolling the dice and coming up with two sixes every fucking time. Not only did I make it, I made it on time with like a little bit early and it was it was raining. I mean, the turbulence was no joke. So it was a part of me like Sam was right. I'm going to die. And we hit that runway. You ever have those flights where you're like it was one of those landings.

And, you know, the whole plane went, you know, and then we landed and I get out and it's pouring rain. And I was like, I'll never get an Uber. Who's going to drive in? And I got an Uber instantly drove in the rain straight from Newark right to the house. I was home at like noon on Sunday.

Damn. Yeah. Why? I definitely put a scared mark for a second. What the fuck? But no, you text me, you land and I was like, Oh, it was like so jealousy, man. Wait, do we have to do an ad? Yeah, we should. Let's do an ad. Oh, I see Matt, uh, grabbing his balls. We might be drunk is, uh, sponsored by better help. What's the end of the way of achieving your goals? Figure it out with better help. Uh,

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Oh, boy. Well, I got a bit that I'm excited about, but I'm worried that you might have it. Oh, shit. So I want to. Well, I'll be able to tell you if I do. Although I don't know if you ever on the road and the crowd yells out a bit for you to do and you don't remember it. Oh, yeah. Don't tell me to do bits. I'm like, I don't fucking know that joke anymore. Yeah. Do the white knight joke. I don't know what it is anymore. That's like a six minute bit. You know, it's like an eight minute bit. That

That's a lot of fucking remember intricate parts. And yeah, if you get one part wrong, if you do it, I'll tell you this. I did the stupid again because I want to see if I could do it on the road. The stupid magician. Oh, yeah. And it killed. I got it. But I had to listen to it like.

four or five times before the show. Let me just, uh-huh, here's where I do this. Okay. And I'm listening to it on the fucking roof. It's not like I'm listening to it in a club, so I'm like, here's where I pause, okay? Helicopter. Right, exactly. But then you get into the rhythm of it, and you're like, I got it. Once you get it, you're just talking. You forget it's a bit, and you're like, oh, this is how I tell it to a friend of the

You get to that point where you get to that comfort where you're like, this is how I just talk. Exactly. Exactly. All right. So my bit, and tell me if this is too close to something you have and we'll, we'll, we'll knock it out. But, uh, tell me about your biological father. Yeah. It's a joke about how I'm Jewish and the seltzer is anti-Semitic. So, uh,

I'm trying to do this whole chunk about how technology keeps getting better, but people are getting worse. People are getting fatter, but TVs are getting thinner. Technology is beating us. You're talking to some guy. You meet a guy, and you're like...

where you're from, what do you do, what's your favorite color. You've got to do all the bullshit, and you're like, man, I wish I could skip intro. You know, technology's thought of all these things, and we're still doing this bullshit. You know, and like, you meet a guy. Remember when you met a guy who could speak three languages? You were like, wow, that's amazing. But now I've got Google Translate. So it's almost making us shittier because we don't have to learn as much. You used to have a guy who knew directions. I know how to get there. Take a right on Broadway, take two lefts, and you're there. Now I've got Google Maps.

I like that angle. The first part is a little similar. You know that joke I have where it's like when someone's telling you a boring story and you wish you could just tap their face? Like it's a YouTube video and you're like, all right, thank God, 20 seconds left. So Skip Bender is a little similar, but I mean, maybe it fucking works. I don't know, man. I like the idea of like,

How three languages... Say the last part again. Just like you used to meet a guy who knew two languages or whatever, and you're like, damn, this guy's a genius or whatever. This guy's so smart. But now I don't have to learn them because I got Google Translate. I'm done.

So the phone is knowing directions means nothing anymore. That was a cool guy back then. Remember, it was like, take a right on third, take two lefts and you're there, you know, and you're like, wow, this guy is the man. That was the guy to gas the cigarette. Just waiting for someone to ask. Just waiting for the last man with a flip phone to ask for directions. Right, right. And any information some guy knew is like, this guy knows everything about World War Two. He's a buff. Now I'm a buff because I can just pull it up.

Everybody's a buff. - Everyone's a buff. - But it used to be like your thing, like I have a thing, I know about this, or I'm that guy, I'm the guy who knows about whatever, Civil War or the Moonland, or I know everything about Kennedy. - Now there's a million documentaries. It's like you don't really have to read or learn. There's a million ways to take in information.

But the phone is always, if your phone dies, you plug it in, it's back. Nana dies, that's it. You know, the phone is-- - I had a joke too. - Oh, okay. - When my grandpa died, I said my grandpa was eight and nine, my phone was brand new. I said I think it'd be cool if when your grandpa died, if you got an upgrade.

You're like, he's just like your grandpa, but he doesn't say the N word. Like, that's an upgrade. Does he still say Oriental? They're like, yeah, we couldn't fix everything. That was one of my jokes. Oh, that was on Conan. That was an oldie. Yeah. That's an old bit of mine. All right. Well, that's too similar. But do you see my point? It's tough. We fucking, we spend too much time together. So we started hacking each other's bits. Right. That's what happened. Right, right. We attack everything. Well, we do. You know what? We're both jokey. So it's like.

Yeah.

- Yeah, tell me later. - But I've thought of that bit like four times. - Remind me later, yeah, yeah, the women who try to change you, that was an old bit of mine. - That's another great one. - Like women, they try to change you, like, you know, how does it go again? It's my fucking bed, I can't remember. But it'd be like, can I change you? Oh no, no.

You know the software update on your phone? That's basically a relationship. Women trying to change you and you're like, hey, do you want to do this today? Remind me later. That's basically dating. That's a great bit, but I've had that so many times where the girl is doing that shit. Because that shit's real. It's real. That shit is fucking real. Yep, yep, yep. Let me ask you an etiquette question. Please. So I saw a comment. He posted a joke on his Instagram today.

And it was funny. And the first comment was from another comment comic who said, "Oh, I've had this idea before, but you put it together." He was complimenting him, but also insulting him. No, I don't think it's an insult. I think it's a compliment. Yeah. Because he's saying like, "I've had the thought, but I couldn't make it a good joke." So I think it's actually a compliment. I think it's a compliment in person, but on Instagram it reads differently. That's a good point. Yeah, like if you're saying it to each other, that's a compliment.

But putting it out for everyone to see is like, oh, this is a thought I've had. I don't know. That's a good point. Yeah. You're probably right. I guess people have said it to me at shows. No one's ever written it on my...

posts that I know. So it's, yeah, I hear that. But I think putting, that's the thing about comedy is putting it together in a funny way is the hard part. Like Will Ferrell is funny, but if you put him on stage with a microphone, I don't think he could construct. That construction is really the hardest part of standup. He could if he, he would, but he would be like Joe Pera. He would be like, you know, he would be in a character. He'd be an avant-garde performer. Right.

So Will Ferrell's amazing. Amazing. He's not doing like joke jokes like we're doing, but he's doing like... He'd be doing something unique in a way he would kill. Yeah, he'd figure it out. There's no way that Will Ferrell would not kill at a fucking comedy club. He's too funny. But when you watch Seinfeld do some kind of thing about like...

You know, we all want to be home and then you want to go out. And then when you go out, you want to get home like that is so much like fine tuning in that bit. It just takes that takes so much repetition and trial and error and tweaking and all that shit. But Will Ferrell seem at any award show and he goes up and just murders like he knows how to construct. Like, I disagree with that. I think he murders because the crowd is preloaded to laugh at him.

And all he has to do is give straight lines. He's not saying funny lines. I've seen comedians go up with those shows and bomb, though. I don't know. Because they're trying to make funny punchlines. He's just being a straight man and everyone's laughing at his straight man comedy.

I gotta disagree. I think Will Ferrell is like... I'm not denying he's funny. It makes me laugh. It makes the crowd laugh. Here's what's genius about Will Ferrell. He was trained as a Shakespearean actor. Really? To my point. Like Leslie Nielsen. Yeah, so he can be so... He's so serious that it's funny. When he gets mad, he's like, oh.

oh, I want to whatever. And you're like, man, that's so funny. Is that true? Shakespearean? Shakespearean. That's why he's so good because he's going over the top serious, which is actually funny. It's like Glenn Howard from It's Always Sunny who plays Dennis. He was like a Juilliard actor. Oh,

- Oh, there you go. - So it's like when he goes that hard, you're like, oh shit, this guy is the best. - Yeah, it's like Ted Knight in Caddyshack. He's going all in. He's the funniest one in the movie. - I'm gonna say a fucking bold statement. I think Ted Knight's the funniest person in Caddyshack. - Oh, yeah. - It's between Rodney and Ted Knight. - That's not even bold, I think. - You think Ted Knight's the funniest? - I think he's easily the funniest. - It's hard for me to go against Rodney ever. - Rodney's number two, don't get me wrong. But Chevy and Bill Murray by a mile in that movie.

- I got nothing. All right, all right. Well, I gotta work that bit around your bit somehow. - Yeah, just watch that Conan assist, the last two jokes. - Okay, I will. - I remember this. The one where we're in the red flannel. - Matt, are we over an hour? - Oh, we're well over. - Yeah, we'll wrap up and it's happened to my joke. I'll tell you. - I'll tell you, I'm trying to do my material, Matt. - Well, you're trying to shorten the episode that people wanna hear. - Yeah. - No.

That movie is fucking classic. That's a one blanket movie. Yeah, for sure. And they had fun making it too. What were you saying, Matt? Oh, I was watching an old Rodney clip on Carson and he was talking about being in Caddyshack before it had come out.

And he was just like, I'm in this movie. And it was like almost his break into movies. He hadn't really been in anything. Was he in Easy Money before that? I think so. It was like 81, 82. But I think this, I don't know. No, Caddyshack was 70s. I'm DBing. Hold on. Did you hear the story about Joe Pesci apparently...

like trying to bond with Dangerfield because he's a method actor and he would be like, well, you know, we're playing, we're in this movie together. Like we're playing kind of scumbags. Let's go to the dog track and Dangerfield's like, no, I don't do that. All right. I think the whole thing was like, he was like, you read your lines to me and you read and I'll read them back. That's how it works. And he just like started stealing his lines that were funny. Oh, no. Yeah. Caddyshack 80, easy money 83. All right. Wow. Okay. And then when was back to school? 85, 86. Yeah.

That was his first... That just schools my favorite by a lot. That just schools the funniest. I don't know if he did a good movie after that. Meat Wally Sparks has moments. Oh, get out of here. It has moments, but I'm talking about a good movie. Natural Born Killers. Great movie. Is that a great movie? Yeah. It's a good movie. Oliver Stone and fucking Tarantino? Fuck you. It's a good movie. Well, I like them both, but I mean, anybody can put out horse shit.

You think it's horse shit? Ladybugs is pretty good. I'm not saying that's horse shit. At least we know she's not Two-Face. She'd be wearing her other face, all right? You couldn't make Ladybugs now, by the way. Why? Well, it's a guy dressing up as a woman. It's just some gender shit in there. Oh, Tootsie, Joanna Mann. Come on, that's been done. I know. I'm saying now you couldn't. Have we watched Tootsie recently? That shit holds up. Holds up. I watched it again recently, too. That's a great movie. No one talks about Tootsie. That is a good one. I'm talking about it.

Bill Murray as a playwright. Yeah. Dustin Hoffman is one of the best ever. Unreal. Unreal. That's a lovable character. Yeah, yeah. I mean, The Graduate and then Marathon Man and then Sleepers. He does The Fockers. He can do it all. He did. I mean, Kramer vs. Kramer. Kramer vs. Kramer. I've seen that movie like four times. I don't know why. I fucking cry every time. That movie breaks me. That ending with the French toast, are you fucking kidding me? Oh.

If you don't break at that scene, you're not. You're made of stone. That's brutal, man. That's such a New York movie. I love Dustin Hoffman, man. It's fun to think about when that came out, crowds in a theater live crying, probably. That's so crazy to make a crowd cry. It's probably like getting a laugh for the director. Okay, I just want to tell you this run right here. Listen to this run. Okay, this is Dustin Hoffman.

The Graduate, 67. Midnight Cowboy, 69. Best picture. Straw Dogs. Yep. Papillon. Lenny. Wow, great and Lenny. All the President's Men. These are back-to-back now. I think also best picture. Marathon Man. Wow. Straight Time. Seriously underrated. This is a great wreck. He's a small-time criminal. Great wreck. Straight Time. Straight Time. Mm-hmm.

Then a movie and then Kramer vs. Kramer Tootsie death of a salesman then he takes some time off does Ishtar and Rain Man I said death of a salesman on Broadway. That's a fucking run rain, man I saw death to the salesman on Broadway guess who played the lead Brian fucking Dennehy Wow Wow murdered it dude It was incredible interesting

Why is that on Broadway all the time? That should just be on loop on Broadway. Because it's just... Oh, why isn't it? Yeah. You're right. It's a classic. Yeah, that should just be like Wicked. I see Wicked more than Death of a Salesman. Well, Wicked's probably more... Do you ever see the South Park where it's like the whole premise is like...

the show Wicked has subliminal messages to get your wife to suck your dick. Oh my God. So all the husbands just take their wives to get blown. That's genius. So the owners get their dicks sucked right after Wicked. That's genius. They're like, you gotta take her to Wicked, dude. It'd be nice. It's a little give and take. We don't want to see Wicked.

Come on. I do like musicals, though. I do, too. Wicked looks like shit, though. West Side Story was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Oh, dude. Tonight, tonight. Officer Krupke's got some of the best jokes in comedy. Krup you. Yeah. Yeah, the whole song's about bad parents and drug addicts and alcoholics. It's great. West Side Story is incredible. Sondheim is a fucking genius. Genius. Those old Jews, man. I think that oppression, like...

I mean, they were just like Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner. Those guys were just killing it back in the day. There's something so satisfying about a good musical because it's not my go-to genre, so if you crush it, you're pulling me in. Oh, dude. Springtime for Hitler. All that shit was amazing. The producers are the fucking... Zero Mostel. That's a clinic.

Underrated movie too, The Front, Woody Allen with Zero Mostel. Oh, he told me about that and I watched it. At my house. That's a good one. No. You didn't watch it at my house? No. That was somebody else. Zero Mostel, one of the best. Yeah, yeah. Esty at the Comedy Cellar, bro. She fucking loves the producers. I was going to say she dated him or something. She dated Zero Mostel. Talk about self-esteem issues. Hey, your name's Zero. Jesus Christ.

You couldn't name me one? Yeah. I'll tell you, no respect. You could name it a fraction, something. Yeah, but I guess it's all up from there. My brother's name was 10. I'll tell you, I got no respect, you know? It is kind of a cool name, though. Zero. Zero Murill. That's a good name. Well, Gilbert Arenas was an awesome basketball player. He was number zero. His nickname was Agent Zero. And he goes, I picked number zero because that's how much time my college coach said I would get in the NBA. Whoa.

So it was like a fuck you and he was a beast. He was a great player. I mean, I hate to say it, but a fuck you is a good tool for efficiency. Anybody who was like, that guy said I'll never make it or you're a piece of shit, they all rose up. Well, that's the ones we hear about. Some people probably were a piece of shit. Let's be honest. We hear about the legends. The other ones are fucking just... Pieces of shit. They jumped off the bridge. I'll tell you, they got no respect, you know? That's all that comes back to the bridge.

All right, let me tell you a joke idea. All right, all right, hit me. So here's the idea I had. So my girlfriend was someone who should get mad at me. She'll be like, I'll make a move on you during a movie, and you never want to have sex during a movie. And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to have sex during a movie I picked. I'll fuck you during 13 going on 30. I'm not going to bang you during Godfather 2. Right, that's great. So it's like, you know, I'm trying to think of the turn. It's something about like...

Here's what you say after a great movie. Wow. We've never said that after I fucked you. We never watched Dog Day Afternoon and went, I'm so sorry. Right, right, right. Also, that's a great review of a movie. Like the critics, two thumbs up or I would have fucked during that. That movie was so bad I would have rather fucked. Yeah, there's something there though, right? That's funny. Yeah, yeah.

it's true though because when you're wrapped in a movie you're in i mean i'm very it's tough because women just take their time with shit that's just the truth is like whether it's like there's a bathroom break they're like oh i'm gonna do this i'm gonna go to the kitchen for a second i'm like i'm watching the movie and i want to start it again yeah once i'm in a movie i don't like i've watched movies with matt we're kind of just like zoned in you know i've watched movies with you we're just kind of zoned in it's

It's like women are just different. They can kind of get up and be like, I'm going to do this for a minute. I want to watch the movie. All right, here's the turn. You want me to take a break from this movie to fuck you. What if I was fucking you and then took a break to watch a movie? That's good. How would you like that? Hold on. You're about to come. Let me go pop in Goodfellas. Almost there. Almost there. Yeah, let's do it. Let's try it.

Let's try After Hours. You like Scorsese, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Something there for sure. It's true, yeah. When we're locked in, we're locked in. It's the same with like...

I don't know, the guy who built the Golden Gate Bridge or the 16th Chapel. This episode's going to be called the Golden Gate Bridge. But like Michelangelo, I'm sure he was a horny guy. He was probably like, hold on, quit blowing me. I got to finish this pointing. You know, the God's touching the guy. I like that my complaint is my girlfriend wants to have sex with me. Yeah, that's a good point. I sound like a real fucking twat.

Yeah, well... I will say this. Here's the thing. I love having sex with my girlfriend. I also love good movies. Can I love both? You're a cinephile and a pedophile. Oh, my God. 13 going on 30. That's not good. No, that's not good. I didn't care about that. I just was going off file. Women love...

Here's the thing. You love whatever movie you grew up on. My girlfriend's younger than me. She's 13. Going on 30. Going on 30. No. She loves that movie, 13 going on 30. And I've watched it with her. It's fine. You know what? It's not a terrible rom-com. I don't like it, but I'm like, what? I'm just saying these movies, these cheesy-ass movies, this is the problem with having a younger...

Girlfriend. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. So you wanted to watch Straw Dogs or Dog Day. No wonder she doesn't like those movies. She likes. She did like them. She was she fell asleep during Dog Day because she was just we do. We've been traveling every week. We're exhausted. So, no, she woke up and she's like, that was incredible. I think she just she missed like 15, 20 minutes of it, you know?

But we watched and she loved Insider. That's a Pacino. All right. She loved. We watched Tootsie. She loved Tootsie. I mean, she she'll she'll appreciate. I mean, I'm showing her. We watch Sunset Boulevard watching classics. I'm not. OK, that's I'm an annoying movie guy. Well, I'm like, we got to watch the classics, too. How would she feel like if you tried to break into sex during 10 things I hate about you? Do you think she'd go for it? First off.

That's a solid movie. First off, Heath Ledger fucking rocks. So let's not even. That is a good movie. It's Taming of the Shrew. Oh,

It's Shakespeare That movie is solid I remember seeing that movie in the theater That's how good Heath Ledger is I remember seeing that movie in the theater Being like that's a fucking movie star When he sings to her That dude commit I love you baby That's a good movie Joseph Gordon-Levitt What happened to that guy he's great I know Larry Miller is in it He's good in it Larry Miller is great always

He's a great actor. One of the best Curb episodes. Oh, Palestinian chicken. We're so on the same fucking wavelength, it's scary. But yeah, wait a minute.

I'm still working on this bit here. We've got to get back to the bit. We're going off on... He's talking about cell phones. This guy, all right? You've got to make a move during... This bruise is good. It's good, and it's hitting. You've got to make a move during 13 going on 30. That's the test. Is she willing to take a break from the film? Also, maybe there's something to the older thing. When a movie was on... Nah, that's no good.

He's going to say, like, when a movie was on TV, it was on TV. You had to watch it. Like, we grew up in the cable era. She grew up in the digital era. You know what I was thinking of, dude? Think about this. You watch TV now. You watch Netflix. You watch Hulu. You watch HBO, whatever. You skip intro. You rewind. Fast forward. Pause. The next episode starts immediately. Immediately. So I was watching Detroiters with her. And there's commercials because it's on Comedy Central.

So we're like, oh shit. So we're just making small talk in between the commercial. People used to talk more. That's how little we talk to people now. There's a fucking commercial and we're like, shit, how do we fill this 90 seconds? Get your phone out. Look at something. Yeah, totally. But that's what has become of us. We've become so consumed by this fucking shit. I think you answered your own problem. Yeah. Sex during the commercials. Oh, there it is.

90 seconds. Perfect. That's perfect. That's a great bit. Yeah. Sex during the commercial. You can get off in 30. I can get off in 20. I'll tell you. Come on. The problem is it's that SPCA commercial with the fucked up dog. He's all cold. You're like, I will remember you. His cat's missing an eye. You're like, look at that pussy. Yeah. My dick turned into a Twinkie. What the hell?

Wait, I gotta say this before we get out of here. I know we gotta wrap this thing up, but I was on a United flight last week, leaving Appleton in a hurricane, coming to New York. I get on the flight, I'm in 28D. I'm in the back of the plane, because I'm a piece of shit, and...

This gigantic, buff, hot French flight attendant comes up to me. And I got status, so I board first. So I'm sitting there alone in the back of the plane. He goes, oh, my God, I am a fan of We Might Be Drunk. Whoa. I love the show. Can I get a photo? I'm like, yeah, sure. I'm hungover. It's like 6 in the morning. I'm like, yeah, yeah. The photo's going to go. Post this photo, sir, whatever you're doing. This guy was a hunk.

Super sexy guy. And I was sleeping on the plane. I passed out. I took a couple pills and passed out. I wake up. This guy's got like beers on my tray. I took a little Green Hulk, a little fentanyl. But he's popping beers on the tray because he's like, oh, you're a drunk. We might be drunk. So he's putting out. He's giving me free beer. He's loading me up.

But I'm like, dude, it's six in the morning. I can't even look at this shit right now. We need a break every once in a while. I had a beer just to be like, all right, I'll take it. I want to be on brand. But no sleep. This guy's just pouring beer down my throat because he loves the show. So thank you, sir. I forgot your name was like Jean-Michel or some shit. Jean-Claude. Yeah. Jean Valjean. The vaccine is bullshit.

Make sure to email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com for the Patreon. You know, we're opening packages. If you send us gifts or alcohol, whatever stuff you want us to put up in the studio, that's at Gotham Studios on 38th Street. Look it up on Google. I don't know. Yeah. Mark, where are you going to be on the road, man? I'm all over the road. What does this come out in 2018? What is this? Oh, God.

Great. All right. I'm in Arlington, Virginia right now. I mean, Arlington, Texas right now. Jesus Christ. Big difference. Yeah. Big diff. Texas. Come on out. Nashville, Portland, Madison, Wisconsin. Oh, my God. Jesus. Atlanta. Oh, my God. New Orleans. Yeah. I got some hot dates coming up. Check the MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Twitter. Instagram. Grindr. Yeah. I'm all over the road. Praise Allah. Taliban. Taliban.

I got Left Boston this weekend. I got... On there too later. Oh, dude. Six shows. Hopefully we add a seventh. Let's keep fucking rocking. I can't wait. We've added two already. Let's keep this party fucking rocking. September 2nd through 4th. Boston. We got...

We got Millersville, Pennsylvania the 15th. We got Helium in Philly September 16th through 19th. We got Moon Tower in Austin. I'm doing a bunch of one-man shows. Bullshit. I mean, I'm doing my headline. I don't know why I said one-man show. St. Louis, Indy, Springfield, fucking Chicago, Illinois. All at samuel.com. Oh, you're doing the Blue Room. That's exciting. I love that. That's a good room. That's classic. A little fun workout room. I love that place.

Uh, great. Check out. You got a thing coming out soon, dude. Sally and I have a project we've been working on. Norman's in it. It's going to be great. Everybody's basically working on a project. It's about like the comedy clubs opening up again in New York city during the pandemic. It's called full capacity or a hundred percent capacity. Either. We'll decide on one of them, but, uh, I like full, full. I like full too. I think we'll go full capacity, but we got, uh, you know, amazing comics and marks in it. Uh,

Colin Quinn, Salvo, Salvo, Connor Romano, Ray Romano, Sam J, Taylor Tomlinson, Ronnie Chang. Fucking it's, it's a Chris red from SNL. Uh, we got, we got a squad of people in it. Uh, it's going to be great. You're going to love it. And, uh, it comes out,

early September and it's going to be killer. It's a feel good piece about coming back from the pandemic, similar to what we did with up on the roof, but it's much more conversational with comics. You're going to love it. Can't wait to show it to you. It's going to be on my YouTube. I'll tell you. You're right. You guys, you're right. I'm at the stress factory in New Jersey. Oh, I forgot that, but yeah, that's going to be hot. When are you stress factory?

Next weekend not this weekend, but the one after so we just added a classic weekend man. I love it It's Friday Saturday love you any shows you have any great club great town New Brunswick And I got a Netflix coming out, but that's a November, but yeah, who knows we'll see what happens So yeah, tell you keep drinking join the patreon tell a friend see us live send us an email and Give them hell out there keep drinking comedy