Ep 37: Martini Time
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Yo! What's up? Hey!

We might be Drunk You got that right We're on our way here with this It's martini day Hell yeah I mean we're going all in Danny baby the beard Jew is already Clinking some cubes around In that grandpa's cough medicine over there And if you remember last week He said eat bread with butter Yes Which we both forgot Yes So we've been throwing down pretzels So we don't die here Pretzel is one of my least favorite food

What? I hate anything on a plane. I've, I've hate. I hate a Biscoff cookie. I hate a pretzel. I hate, I can eat a peanut, but those are gone. You hate the Biscoff cookie? I hate it. The Biscoff cookie is, is a delight. Oh, it's so hard. You take one bite. You're, you're, you dip it in your coffee. Wow. You get the airplane coffee? Oh, I do. Uh,

That's bad. That's bad coffee. With that shitty creamer, too. Nothing depresses me more than a hotel creamer. The powder? Well, that's bottom of the barrel. That's like SARS. It's anthrax. It stinks. But the little, for some reason, you don't need to refrigerate it. Yeah, the coffee mate, the little cup. Pull the little labia off of that thing. It's so, and it bubbles up. It's chemicals. Like the labia I dig my tongue in just so it doesn't overflow. Yeah.

I love that, by the way. We get the tongue in the hole. Fun fact. Whoa. Coming at you hot. Oh, my God. Look at that. That looks good. All right. So this is vodka martinis because Mark Mark fucked up. Yeah.

I forgot the kettle one. It's sitting on my coffee table. I got a big jug of it. I keep it on the bar cart. It's my prized possession, and I left it at home like a douche. And so Danny boy ran out and grabbed it. I love it. He's a good barkeep. This is... All right, well, cheers, man. This is a great...

I love a martini. It's classic. I like this glass better than the... Way better. I mean, look, it's classic. I have some of them at home. And you know what I did? It's extra big, so you just don't fill it all the way up. Smart. I hate it. You're like, fuck, am I a jewel thief? Why am I walking on my toes with a drink? I know. It's less stable than a Miami condo. That thing goes down with a breeze. So tell us what we got here there, Apron. So that is just a classic, super dirty, filthy...

uh vodka martini oh my god that's filthy good i like the coupe glasses a lot better hell yeah is this just olive juice and all juice and vodka why is it so much better than when i make it because i made it ah it is damn good i mean the filthier the better this is so good it's good this is like i like my vodka martinis like like seawater or if i'm an italian like water

Yes, totally. And in a dirty martini, there should be no vermouth at all. I hate when they put dry vermouth in a dirty martini. It should be either dry or dirty. I think so. What is the vermouth? What is the point? That's bisexual right there. Pick a hole. Pick a hole. What is vermouth? What is the point of it? Dry vermouth, it just softens it up a little bit. Oh. Well, if you do a vodka martini, it's dry vermouth with it, right? That can be good. Absolutely. But I don't think that there should be dry vermouth in a dirty martini.

Oh. So that's when people order like a little dirty. That's like a finger in the butt. Not too dirty. You're not getting pegged. Right. But it's dirty. It's a hint. It's a hint. Pinky and the stink. Yeah, this is good, man. This is damn good. And I like it. This is like Louisiana water after that oil spill. It is gross, but it's good. Is this... Okay, so this is...

Are you an olive guy? Yeah. Are you a pickle guy? Yeah. You like them both? Oh, yeah. I kind of want to try those onions and stuff back there, too, while we're doing this. You guys send us all this great stuff at Gotham Studios, and I love it. I love an old gay, and we got pickled red onion and pickled pineapple. What's the name of that brand on there? Beer? Jew? Old Bay. No, but I think somebody sent us those at some company.

Three dogs pickles. Three dogs. There it is. Shout out to three dogs. Love a three dog. Three dog night.

What do you got? What's that one? I got all kinds of stuff here. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We got spicy sesame and garlic. I mean, we got to all try this, right? Damn. This is like a Paula Deen show. We're going to start saying the N-word and keep eating this pickled delights. Man, you haven't heard from me. She was canceled. Big cancel. You know what's funny about Paula Deen is all my black friends and black tutors are like,

I like that bitch's chicken anytime. Fuck her. She makes a baby. She can say the N word while she's roasting up some gravy or whatever the hell. Well, yeah. But hey. Damn. Paula Deen. Yeah. Yeah. She really went down. I know. And she was a big Titan in the cooking and empire. Yeah.

Damn. She was like the southern lady. You had Bobby Flay. You had Emeril. He was the Italian. Bobby Flay is like the hot guy who just fucks. Oh, man. That's his whole thing where you're just like, this dude's just, he'll have guests on Beat Bobby Flay where he's like, she's a young actress. And we're like, we can read between the lines, Bobby. We know how she got this part. I would love to watch a sex tape of him plowing a Giada De Laurentiis.

Who's that? Is that her name? What's that? Who I'm talking about? Is that it? She's a cute Italian broad with a little schnoz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So hot. How about... Man, Batali went down pretty bad. Yeah, Batali. That guy was everywhere. Those Crocs are empty. Yeah, I'd hate to live a day in those shoes. It's a bald ponytail, though. How do you open these? You got it. It's a ball jar. So I have to flip this up or something? Yeah, just...

Give it a little under the nails there. I don't have nails. I bite my nails. I'll tell you, I told my psychiatrist, I was thinking of having suicidal thoughts. Now he told me to pay in advance.

My mom's a big foodie, Kuz, and she used to pickle everything when I was a kid. It was a nightmare. I love pickles. Why are you anti-pickling? Well, you know, I like eating it, but I didn't have to own it. Like jar stuff. I had to clean the jars and help her pick the garden. There we go. You got it? Yeah. Oh, that's the pineapple. Oh, man. Smells like an old cooter. This smells good, man.

Oh, sorry. That is fire, dude. Yeah. That is really good. All right. All right. This is turning into a... Sorry. I just saw it there and we're like, we're having this thing. Yeah. It was the Food Network doing chop here all of a sudden. I got to tell you something. I watched Val on your recommendation. Goddamn. Oh, what a tearjerker. It's... Also my term for a bad handjob. Yeah.

It's incredible. Oh, my touching. Yeah, I love him. It's weird. It's crazy when they do that montage like they do all the movies early on and they do that montage of movies done. You're like, man, he's in a lot of bad movies. I know. I know. And he's good. That's the that's the fucked up thing is like.

And then he's saying, like, you can't complain because he's rich. Right. But then also the part where he loans his dad all this money. And I know that was like brutal. I know. And he was in all that debt because he and then he tried to make the Twain thing. I don't want to give anything away. You got to see it. It's on Amazon. The Twain thing is great. It looked great. It looked great. I remember doing the road and being like Mark Twain. Well, yeah. So I was faced with the stress factor, which I love. He's such an actor. You know, he was in that like shitty little green room. Like, how cool.

This is wonderful. This must be how they do it. No, and I love the Stress Factory. Calm down, Vinny, if you're listening. Oh, yeah. But, you know, yeah, so many incredible things. I mean, not to give too much away, but there's a part. He's got a video camera. He's just documenting everything. Yeah. So it's a play you're talking about with Kevin Bacon and Sean Penn. Yes. And there's a part where he takes the camera out, and Kevin Bacon's like, whoa, is that a video camera? Cool.

I know. That shows how long ago. It's like the early 80s. And they look like kids. They're probably like 19, 20, 21. Sean Penn's still a badass. You know, it's so crazy. Sean Penn still looks scary. They all pull their pants down. You want to be like, did he ask for their consent to throw this up? I know. Good point. But that was just kind of how it was when you were like a young boy. You just did. You whipped your balls out or whatever. I know. And I don't know. Is that toxic? Or if you were a New York governor. Either way. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But I remember I went to Catholic school and guys would come up to your desk, take the balls out of the zipper and just put them on the corner of your desk. And you'd be like, all right, all right, all right. It was just pretty standard.

That garlic's fucking good, too. Oh, man, you're going to be stinking up a storm over here. I am. I am. All right, I got to do it, too. I'm going to go in for a kiss later, too. I'll tell you. Hey, bring it on. I'll tell you. I told my old man I want to go ice skating on the lake. He said, wait till it gets warmer. Uncle Cuomo on me here. Oh, you want me to get in on that? Get in. You'll get there. That'll wake you up. Yeah, that was great.

So good. Great rec. You got to watch to die for. Watch that. I will. You're going to love it, man. Val makes you realize, I don't know about you, my parents didn't videotape one millisecond of my childhood. And I think that means I'm in good shape.

You know, anytime there's a lot of video footage of a kid, he gets kidnapped, he ODs, he gets in a car accident. Something happens. That's interesting, right? When there's too much footage, you're like, something happened. Yeah, definitely. Or you become an actor, I guess.

Yeah, true. But I mean, that's I mean, his fucking brother dies. You're like, you knew something was coming when he's like, he's like, I hate you can just I've seen too many documentaries. I know when someone's like he was always more creative than I was. You're like, fuck, something happened to him. He's a goner. Whenever he gets a compliment too early. Yep. This is another one on intervention. Whenever they go.

He lit up a room. You're like, oh, he's on heroin. Anytime you light up a room, your life is ruined. He lit up a pipe. No, it's brutal. I mean, it's I watch so many of those true crime shows, man. Oh, yeah. I watch them all. I love them. I know. The one I loved recently was Murder at Middle Beach. Oh, that was heavy. HBO brings out the bangers for that shit. Netflix has some really good ones, too. But it's a grab bag. It's like one out of 10. HBO is probably like.

Eight out of ten. The more selective, yeah. Yeah, or seven. I mean, I watch them all, man. The Jinx is still my number one. Jinx is amazing. You can't beat a true crime where there's a smoking gun. I know. The confession is in real time. I mean, that guy must be jerking himself. That guy came around a lot. Andrew Farragutti. Jarecki. Yeah, he's a man. He directed Bumping Mics with the teller and Jeff Ross. That's right. He also did Capturing the Freedmen's.

I don't know. Silly Billy. Silly Billy. His dad was a pedophile. He was like the New York clown. It's great. It's incredible. All right. Shout out to all the women who my girl gives me shit for watching Entourage and then she watches, you know, the pedophile killed nine girls in a hotel room with a garden hoe and you're like, all

Entourage sends a bad message. What does this send? Exactly. Exactly. They just bro hug. This guy fucking strangles. I know. Get off my case here. They're actors, but Jessica Alba's not an object. Yes, she is. She's an actress. She's still walking. This little girl got gaped in a, in a park. And you're like, this is, this is entertainment. I mean, some of the footage, and they're not to give too much away, but when Val Kilmer's videotaping Marlon Brando, he's just like a fucking blob on a hammock. This is incredible. And he, he,

it's his hero and he won't answer him. It's kind of like how I feel with a lot of comedians around New York. You know, there's like, what time am I on? And I'm like, what'd you, how'd you feel about that one special? He's like, shut up. I, I text Colin Quinn to be a part of this documentary. I'm making about the pandemic. Yeah. I text him. I said, Colin, we do a part of this. It'd mean a lot to me. And, and he, uh, he basically said, I'll do it as long as you admit that no one wants to be in your stupid documentary. Yeah.

And I said, all right, I admit it. He goes, all right, I'll do it. It's like, goddamn. I don't know if I've told anybody. And you can't blame him. We don't want to do anything. I know, but you know what? It's his way of being like, I'm cool with it. Yeah, and the fact that he can be real with you shows that he likes you and gets you and all that.

but i love colin i had a few pops one night i was on the road i was lonely i was strung out and i texted seinfeld recently that's probably about a year ago it was like heart of the pandemic you know everything's shut down you know everything's weird there's a lot of drama on earth and no one knew what was going on so i texted seinfeld two in the morning couple whiskeys in just talking about it makes my asshole pucker but i said

I got a great idea for a video because nobody was doing anything. Like it was just like shutting down Netflix and chill all night. Yeah. So I said, how about this? You like cars. We, no one's putting out any content. How about we drive around empty time square. We get a film crew and you teach me how to drive stick shift and it'll be funny. And he didn't write back for like four days. And then I was hung over like,

What are you thinking? Why would he ever want to do that? It's such a bad idea. What does he get out of this? It's all for me. I'm such a cunt. And then like three days later, he wrote back. Okay, dot, dot, dot. Like kind of like whatever. No, but okay. I don't know. He wrote okay. It was very vague, but okay.

Pretty uncomfortable. That's brutal. I'm sorry, man. No, no. I mean, we're still cool. We've texted since, but that was like I learned a lesson. I absorbed it. I said, I'll never ask him for anything again. I'm lucky to have his phone number. Keep moving. Yeah, I had one of those with Leno. It's hilarious. With Leno? Yeah. Oh.

Oh, hello. Let's hear it. Confession time. Did I not tell this story on the podcast? Not on the pod, I don't think. So I texted him a few weeks ago. I saw his name on the line. I was like, oh, cool. I know he's doing stand-up again. That's kind of cool, you know? Well, how'd you get his number? For real, let's go back to the beginning. He just called you out of the blue. I had a publicist for my last special, and I guess he hit up my publicist. Like, how do I get... I'd love to call him. And he called me to say he loved my special. I got this. How cool is this? Crazy. But then...

Of course I fucking ruined it. I can't take a nice thing. Same. Same. He... I text him because I have his number. I was like, hey, man. So how are you doing? Stand up. How's it going? How are the sets treating you or whatever? And he just said something like... That's pretty good. It's all right. And he said something along the lines of... It's a guy who gets too many texts. Yes, exactly. Same with Seinfeld. You know he probably puts his phone down to be with his kids and he comes back for like 100 texts. Of course. And he's like, K...

okay dot dot dot like that's what he's doing yeah yeah and uh that's not so bad he wrote back something along the lines of it gets worse oh shit i said will you help me help me uh learn a city bike around central park and he he waited four days no he uh no he just wrote back uh

great he goes oh good to hear from you say best wishes it doesn't answer the question though it's like nipping the like we're not going further i get it i get it he's probably he's a real man he's probably underneath the car like yeah with a wrench you know exactly he's got denim on with it's not as bad as yours that's fucking crazy well that was my i

fucked up with the text it was also heat a pandemic like nothing was going on so fucking lonely i know and i also thought hey you like count is it good you like cars i thought i was being thoughtful but it was all shit and uh he doesn't want to these people don't want to do things you know all they do is press junkets and movie bullshit and all these like uh podcasts and shit they don't want to sit around with me doing a video for youtube i do though all right well we're doing a bike ride

We're doing a bike ride. Yeah, you know, Jerry, he's probably tired. Of course. He's like any old guy who's in good shape like that. Yeah. And they got a busy schedule. Do you ever listen to him on Tim Ferriss? No, he's good. It's a great pod. I text him about it. We talked about it. But

He said he works out like three hours a day every day. Seinfeld does? Yeah. Then he does TM. So he's got his days blocked. So to come shoot a thing would be a whole... Three-hour workout. He's a psycho, man. He's crazy. That sounds just horrible. I know. I know. He's got his own demons. But... I like that Jerry's the last dude left wearing Nike shocks. Yeah.

It's just him and Vince Carter in like 2003. Yeah. It's amazing, dude. He's got the perfect old man wardrobe where it's like it still kind of works. Jeans, T-shirt, blazer. Yeah. With Nikes. Yeah. He looks good. You know what I think about every time I see something like that is there's a girl out there going, oh, that's hot.

Some woman thinks that's hot. That's a hot look? Yeah. It's just together. It's together. It's like being like, I'm rich, but I'm together. I'm cool. I'm casual. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm with you. Because he can't go sweatpants. He can't go full Amber Rose at the airport. That'd be great if he did. Juicy on the ass. You know, full airport sweats with the zip up that matches. Get out of here. Jerry in a jumpsuit and a fucking flat brimmed hat just like, just chilling. Yeah.

Nothing weirder when an older guy, even Sandler has a weird hat cocked to the side or Swartzen. I'm like, you're 48, you're 61, what are you doing? That's so Sandler, though. Yeah, I guess so. Sandler still plays hoops. There'll be videos that go up of Sandler just in some random pickup game. And he's not good either. He's not bad. Well, he's got like eight, seven foot eight black guys dunking and he's like,

Yeah, but he's smart. He knows how to pass and stuff. He's a decent shooter. He's pretty good. I told you about the time I saw him at Netflix. What? I think I talked about this. Dave has a problem with the sauce. What happened? I was pitching a thing at Netflix. I'm all nervous. I'm wearing a tuxedo. I'm freaking out. And I see Sandler in the distance, and he's got a whole team around him. His team is in suits and blazers and everything. He's wearing a gigantic orange T-shirt that came down to his knees, crotchless.

Crocs and basketball shorts. He won. He won. He fucking won. Yeah. First of all, who's the hobo? Oh, it's a weird thing when you're homeless. You dress this way. Then when you're middle class, you dress better. Then you put a polo shirt on. And then when you get super rich, you go back to hobo. Yeah. Weird how that works. It is. Well, it's because you're trying. They say dress for the job you want. He already got the job.

Yeah. The job is not giving a fuck. Right. The job is making fucking. Grown up billions of dollars. Yeah. That's fucking the dream. You're just making movies with your friends. Exactly. And my girlfriend thinks he's super sexy because of that. But she's like. He's also a good looking guy. He's a good looking guy and he's obviously funny and talented, but like.

If you were not successful and dressed like that, you'd be a bum. But if you are successful and dressed like that, it's hot. It's funny how it all factors. Yeah. My brother-in-law is very, very successful and he dresses schlubby and I like him for it. I love it. It makes me like him even more because it's like, he's a really successful guy, but you know, he's like,

His shirts don't fit. Yeah. I like that about him. I love it. You don't give a shit. I love that Dan Soder's on Billions. He's got the bonfire and he's a touring headliner. And he looks like an eighth grade pothead. You know, he's got like a slipknot hoodie on and a hammer loop jean, you know, dirty old Reeboks. I love that. Yeah.

He never left Aurora in his clothing. Yeah, he's going to the X Games all of a sudden. He's 61. I love him. Yeah, he's the best. Pull up, if you can, Matt. Wait, we got no TV going here. But if you can, get Sandler in the last special. What is it called? 100% Tomatoes or something like that. Even his outfit is special. Do you know that Sandler put in a word for You, Me, and List for Netflix, for our...

jokes jokes jokes special i heard i heard i was doing 20 each he fucking made that call which makes him a hall of fame amazing dude totally for me you got some uh interesting connections i don't know him though i just know him through i no way i mean i talked to him on the phone once let's hear about that what's he like on the phone i never told you this you did but i mean the people want to know

I just, like, wrote a couple jokes for... He never even used the jokes. He used his own... I think he just probably wanted to just, like, I'll get some people in, but... Did he see your special? You have the same agent? Or what are we talking here? I think same agency. And he just... Same temple? He watched...

he watched some uh clips of comics he was like i like this guy so i'll wow but then yeah we talked on the phone he was he was so cool i told him i remember he was like uh you where do you work in the city ever worked a comic strip i was like that's where i started you know yeah and he was like oh yeah yeah that's where i started man he's like i remember he he just asked a lot of questions he's just like a really sweet guy and uh i remember at one point he's like your mom your parents proud i was like yeah i guess you know i was like

you know, it's that thing where it's like my mom's proud, but then she's also like, Oh my God, I can't believe you're doing this shit. You know, like it goes from like proud to being like horrified in a span of seconds. Right. You know, like example, like, you know, getting a write up in hustler where my mom's like, why can't it be the New Yorker or vanity fair? You know? Yeah. You take what you can get mom. Yeah. Jeez. Uh, but then, uh,

I remember he was like, I told him some story. He's like, your mom come out. And I was like, yeah, she comes out, but I'll tell a story and I'll see her ducking her head down. He was like, yeah, I get that. You know, he was like, so we talked about that. He talked about, I just like, oh man, you know. Is he normal on the phone? Is he like. So nice. No, I mean, dude, he's like, I love Sandler growing up. Oh yeah. I had the CDs. Dude, those CDs. They're all going to laugh at you. That like got me.

That got me through some shit. Oh, yeah. That made me laugh so hard as a kid. Yeah, yeah. You better not do that again. The donkey or whatever. Oh, yeah. The goat? The goat. The goat. And then he had the old man slotting down the slide. He's like, when his balls came out, I jerked off so hard. And all the friends are like, what the fuck? Yeah. We all relate to that shit. I know. I know. It's great. He's just so silly, man. We all love Sandler, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Any, yeah. It just hits, for us, like, by the way, this is going down too smooth. Too smooth? I'm trying to hold back. I mean, I can't hold back. I got a confession. What? This is the bomb I'm going to drop on you. What happened? So I'm going to a, I'm doing a wedding, or I'm going to a wedding with the lady this weekend in Massachusetts at the Cape. You're taking a weekend of stand-up off? A couple days. Damn. And I'll be back Saturday, so I still got spots, but leaving tonight-

Is it a friend of yours? Hers. But she was like, block this off. She told me a year ago. So it's finally here. I'm sure you were furious when you got that request. Oh, of course. Of course. Because you're a fucking. And I think I got some momentum going. And then you're like, oh, well. Yeah, we just taped something. So chill out for a minute. Good point. Important. Important. And you can just get drunk and not think about it. And it's on the beach and it's the Cape and I'll be barefoot and hammered. I'm thinking about the next special I tape and I'm like, I'm fucking already dreading taking a break. Ah.

We like to work. Yeah. Yeah, we have good jobs. I need a break, but I'm dreading taking it. I hear you. It's scary for the shit to hit you. Right. We're drinking on a podcast. It's true. We're pushing some shit down, I'm sure. Of course. I mean, look at Kevin Hart. I mean, the guy pumps out so much stuff, and you're like, obviously, you're running from something. I mean, it's good. At least you're not doing heroin. You're using it in a good way, but...

There's a reason you're doing Jumanji 9. But my point is... The ninth one is where he has a nervous breakdown. He's like, ah, fuck! When does this game end? Right, right. But I'm going to Massachusetts tonight and...

I have to pick up a rental car after this. So this is perfect timing. Are you fucking kidding me? But I will say I'm the best drunk driver this side of the Mississippi. I'm amazing. Cut to this episode gets stalled because there's a New York Post article. Comedian Mark Norman pulled over. Well, we just talked about having footage of. Why can't she drive? She can't drive. I'm a better drunk driver than she is driver. I fucking you're.

It's still, you should let her drive. Well, it's only four hours. Mark, what the fuck? You're pounding martinis and you're going to drive? Here's the thing. I'm going to pick up the car, park it, do set, sober up, have some coffee, a Diet Coke, a gyro, and then go. A gyro? Yeah, soak it up. I love a gyro. Love a gyro. What do you say when people say it's a hero?

Well, because hero is tough because that's a whole different thing. That's what I say. In New York, we already have a hero. Yeah, exactly. I will be your hero, baby. But yeah. It's Andrew Cuomo. That's where our hero is. Yeah, so I'll be driving a Kia Soul in about one hour. Yeah, but I'll tell you, if I...

It's kind of like in New York you get bar mitzvahed. We get DUIs. You get a DUI, you're 13, you knock it out, you're a man now. You have a DUI? Oh yeah, who doesn't? I don't. Really? Well, I can't really drive. Oh yeah, good point. You really have a DUI? Yeah, but it's been expunged. I think I got rid of it. I was so young. I was on a phone book.

Just got to make sure that's not on your first Google page, but you're successful enough. I bet it's not. Well, you know, it's weird. I did a car commercial for Comedy Central for Toyota Camry. Yeah. And they were like, you don't have a DUI, do you? And I was like, no, no, no. And they let me drive. It was super cool. Brooklyn Bridge. We had all these cameras on me. I was driving the car. You text Jerry, meet me. I got this great gig. It's on YouTube. You can find this. It's literally like, I don't know.

10 years ago and the commercial came out and they're like, wait, we found out you have a DUI. And I'm like, yeah, what are you going to do? And it was fine. It was fine. I mean, it was already out. I got away with it. Wait, we fucked them. Yeah, exactly. I made good. We got the commercial in the can. Yeah, I got a DUI, but it's fine.

Well done. That's really the secret is, you know, always lie to the industry. Yes. Because what does it matter? Exactly. Do you have a new hour? You have a clean hour? Yeah, I got a clean hour. Always say you have a clean hour. Always. Then you show up with a temple and they're like, what the fuck was that? And you're like, ah, just shut up and pay me. Right, right. You do your third 9-11 joke. You're like, Jesus, my dad died. You're like, ah, it was not one Jew in the building.

The best is when you're doing a corporate and as you're walking to the stage, you're like, remember, clean. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Can't tell me on my walk to the stage. I know. I remember I did a gig for an insurance company in the Schomburg Improv. Oh, that's a big room. In Illinois. It's big. And I was on like painkillers and shit because my back and neck were out.

And I went to the stage like fucking, I was literally walking like the Undertaker, like, you know, and I remember on stage just fucking trying to survive. Yeah. And yeah, it's like she's like, there's like no language restrictions. I go up there and she's like, well, I didn't mean that. Always say that. And I was like, I, by the way, the funny thing is I'm clean. I'm working clean, like up top and it's getting the zilch. And then I was like, let me try this dick sucking joke. And it annihilates. I'm like, well, guess what I'm doing?

Exactly. Guess which bits I'm doing now. And don't you want an entertaining comedian or do you want me to bomb? It doesn't make any sense. You'd rather the dick jokes. We're all adults. They'd rather we bomb and they protect themselves so they could be like, we'll never do that again. Good point. Good point. We'll never book that guy again. Yeah. But as a comic, you're like, I'd like to entertain the audience here. This fucking pineapple.

Top notch. I'll tell you. It's over. You know? Goodbye now. What really seems to care? I got a piece here. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said, what are you doing? He said, you came home early. All right. That's a classic. I got to get another Rodney joke. I do that one every time. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. I'll tell you. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. All right.

No respect. They still hold up. He's the greatest. The greatest. Timeless jokes. I think Rodney Dangerfield is the funniest human being. I don't think... He might be, because he has everything. He's got the look, the jokes, the tie, the face, this shit. He's got the catchphrase. He's got it all. Oh, so many good... I mean, Back to School really is the funniest movie ever. Oh, yeah. There's something funny about a guy just... I'm going all in on this character. Like, I...

I am this guy. Like Larry, the cable guy is clearly a character. This is like, I am this, I've become this thing all the time.

Yeah, he's perfect, man. I love it. I got to pee for you, too. Oh, please. So I got it. It's all bathroom related. I have multiple ones all related to the bathroom, public bathrooms. You ever have that person? You're both kind of hit the bathroom at the same time and you kind of like, all right, you go first. Yeah. And they take forever. Yeah. Like I just gave you the green light. You should be. And you fucking just took 10 minutes in there. And you know, I'm out here. I did it. It's that one's tough. I hate that. And then.

What I want to do when they do that shit is just as they walk out, just hold up a timer. Just give them a... Just a real... Just right in their face. This is what you fucking did. Yeah. After I was kind. I know. That must have been a shit. It was a woman with her baby. So maybe clean. That's why I let him go first. I'm like, this seems more important. Women and children first. Titanic rules to the bathroom. I will give you that. Yeah. Oh, man.

But I guess a woman with a kid, she probably peed, then the baby has to change, then you put the powder. Then she fingered herself, then she listened to a podcast. Right, right. No, that is fucked up. Yeah. But how could you not let her go? I mean, it's a lady. What do you have to do? I had to. Lady plus baby? Lady plus baby. What am I supposed to do? If it was just a lady, I probably would have let her go. Of course. Even though you guys take longer. Let's be real. We give women...

everything with the bathroom. The seat is always down. I get scolded for leaving the seat down. Yep. For leaving it up. Yes, same.

That's why I have mastered peeing with the seat down and I never hit it. How do you master that? I got amazing aim. Really? If I do hit it, I wipe it up. You're Steph Curry from the outside. Yes. Damn. I'm Dick Curry. I just never miss the bowl, the water. Do you ever just sit on it? I've done that. Yeah. Middle of the night, I do a sit because I like to keep the lights out. Yeah.

I don't want the lights going on. So I'll sit in the middle of the night because I just, I don't want to, the lights are out. I want to stay sleepy. That's a great nickname for you. Sam Lights Out Murill. Ooh, I like it. That's a good basketball name. Lights Out, baby. Even though only the fans know it's about you urinating like a woman. Wow, Lights Out. How'd he get that name? He shits on the toilet. Larry David had a bit about that. He's like, I sit down when I pee. And Jeff was like, you sit down when you pee? He's like, yeah.

yeah, I read. He's like, you read? He's like, I pee 11 times a day. I get through a whole New York Times. You know what? I remember that episode. I relate to that. Yeah. I don't sit down every time I pee, but like, yeah, sometimes I'll sit down. Why not? If it's during the day, I usually stand, but middle of the night, how do you not pee?

I just, I'm just, I get over it. I put legs around the bowl and I just shoot straight down. You fucking AC Slater that shit? Yes, I do. Damn, you're like fucking your toilet. Yeah, I am. I'm fucking the toilet. I jizz in the toilet sometimes. I've done it. All right. Better than the palm, I guess. You got that right. Palm pilot over here.

My God, that still irks me. That irks you? Yeah, the palm. How I jerk off? The palm. Wow. Palm Springs. Oh, my God. You ever shoot one into the sink? Oh, yeah. Sink's perfect height. And you're tall. You're probably hitting a medicine cabinet. Yeah. We got a crusty mirror. I look like the elephant man when I take a look.

Why is the faucet sticky? That's a good dice type of it. Why is it sticky? Shut up. Oh, little Miss Muffet just in the sink. Oh, I put one in the stink. That's my dice. A new dice bit. That's a guy who's a little kooky. I mean, he talked about staying in character. Yeah.

That's a character He does it at the supermarket Oh yeah he's at fucking He's at Kroger's I'm in the aisle right Sorry we're just trying to check you out And I'm looking for pineapple Oh That's a good pull with the Kroger Because they don't have those here You went regional Good for you Where is Kroger? They have Kroger in Cleveland? I think he's from Cleveland Let's hit the Wendy's

Dude. Oh, damn. Just like a Wendy's employee. I got lots of bathroom perpieves. Okay. Give me another one. You ever do a unisex bathroom? Yeah, it's Cleveland. Kroger. We go to a...

You ever use the unisex bathroom and you go in first. Thank you, dad. You go in first now I'm saying, and then you come out, but like someone, you go in, but someone took a fucking God awful dump in there. So then you come out, you pee and someone gives you a look like, thanks.

Oh, yeah. I feel like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. I'm like, it wasn't me. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah, it was the one-armed man. He shit his brains out. That's a... I mean, Louis has a bit about that. What? What's his bit? Thank you. It was on FX where...

He's waiting for the bathroom. Big Jay goes in, shits it up. And then some other guy goes in and skips Louie. And then he comes out and he's like, gee, what you doing there? Louie's like, no, I haven't been in yet. It was on the show. It's a Louie bit. Yeah, it was on the show. Interesting. Yeah, that's a real thing.

Happens in the airport, airplane a lot There's two bathrooms That's a tough one I've never shit in an airplane bathroom I never have to shit in an airplane It's never come up I go through coffees To stay alert Airport, I'll shit But airplane, I don't know It ain't pleasant Sometimes I have to sit down to piss in those airports I'm 6'3", you're getting that tiny little thing I turn into the hunchback of Notre Dame

Don't get me started on... You ever pee on a bus? I mean, it's like... It's a fucking core workout. It really is. This Greyhound or P90X. It's true. I mean, something about that bus, it's just...

You're just wiggling because they're swerving on I-98 and you're like peeing all over the place. It's like Backdraft with a fire hose. It's tough. It's brutal. I hate buses. I took them for so many years. I remember doing gigs. I puked in so many fucking bus passes. Oh, same. Those hungover rides.

It's funny how when you're hungover and puking, you're all over that rim. You know, you're just like, I don't care anymore. Fuck it. You got your forearms up there. Your face is in the water. And you're like, who gives a shit? I'm soaking up feces and I don't give a fuck. You're praying Allah. Yes, exactly. You're bent over. Your face is in the fucking toilet. Ugh. Hey, wait, what is this? What is this? This is me keeping you under the limit if you're driving. Ah.

What is it? It's a ton of quarter, which is like a tiny, tiny quarter, not even a quarter ounce of capari just for color. But is there liquor in here? Just like I said, just dressing a quarter ounce. Damn. It's for the best, Mark. I hate to lose the martini. That was so good. I hate it too, but you could have told me, man. I want to play ball here. This is why driving's stupid. Still my job to keep you in the limit. Thank God they don't breathalyze at the Avis. Public transit for life. Hell yeah. Ha!

I like it. Mark Zane, Mark Zane. They don't revelize the Avis. Meanwhile, he fucking stumbles in. Yeah. So maybe we're not going to rent you this car. This is Arthur three. I'm doing. Oh, fuck. Arthur is the best. Oh, why they remake that movie. They almost remade back to school. Oh,

Oh, is that right? Why are you remaking a movie? If you remake it, you got to make it different. You can't just remake a movie and then just say Helen Mirren is John Giggler. That's not different enough. No, these cowards in Hollywood, they're too scared to try a new movie. But don't you realize we got Arthur? Arthur was new. So you do a new thing. That's a fucking great movie. The first half of that movie is all stand up.

When he's sitting down with a hooker, it's just jokes. He rolls down the window, jokes, jokes. It's all jokes. I'm a hooker. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was just doing really well with you. It's just great jokes. Dudley Moore, man.

He's a beast. Killer. I mean, did he do much else? Well, other classic Dudley Moore movies. He was in a lot of shit. He was in a lot of shit. Oh, he was in that Christmas movie. He was an elf and something. Yeah, he ruled. He was a drunk, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think it was like 5-1, too. He's like a little guy. Why is it Minnelli's great in that movie? John Giggler, I think, won the Oscar for it. What? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. It was a huge movie when it came out. Yeah. Really?

And that's fun. You get old New York shots in that too, which I love. Speaking of Seinfeld dads, we get Jerry's dad in that movie. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Old New York cop, by the way. Was he? Yeah. He was a cop turned actor. Same with Dennis Farina. Oh, really? Yeah. Whoa. Farina's underrated. So underrated. Give him a goog at home. He's, I mean, snatch, uh, get shorty.

Out of sight. Out of sight. One of my faves. So good. He's so good in Midnight Run as the villain. He's so good. I mean, he was either a criminal or a cop. Yeah. He's on Law and Order later in his career. Totally. What else is he in? He's in fucking everything. He's in a ton of movies. He's a great character actor. Damn, he was a legend. Legend. So funny. Great delivery. Great voice. Great look. Yeah, he's great in Get Shorty. Get Shorty's underrated, too. Love Get Shorty. That's another one they remade.

Well, TV for TV. It was pretty good though. Oh, was it? Well, if you're doing a TV show, it's different because you can go to a deeper place. That's true. If it's a movie, TV shows, I'm fine with you doing a movie version of because it's like, look at like Fargo. It's not the movie Fargo. You just took the tone of Fargo and made it into a show. And the show's good. The show's good. I'm just saying, if you're going to do the exact same fucking movie and it's like when

I love Gus Van Sant. No disrespect to Gus Van Sant. When he did a shot for shot remake of Psycho, it's like, well, what's the point of this? You're just doing the shot for shot remake in color. Yeah, I know. I like that. I like that that bomb because it's like a cover song. We got it already. If you cover it, cover it differently. Yes. Do something like cover Sea of Love the way Tom Waits did it.

And that way I'm like, okay, this is a different song. Right. Good point. Good point. There's a couple great covers out there. Rarely is the cover better than the original, but sometimes it happens. Yeah. What's a cover that's better than the original? I bet you could give that a goog. Covers that are better than the original. Covers that are better than the original. It's rare, but they're out there. Guns N' Roses is not going to have Endor's pretty damn good.

that's true it's not better than the stones no it's not stones who didn't I thought it was the Beatles no maybe you're right it might have been the stones knocking on heaven's door I've been drinking I think tainted love has been covered like a million times that original sucked I hate that song but who was the original

Oh, man. Look at this guy. He's looking at porn out there. Matt's dick is out. It's disgusting. Matt, give us... Uncut. Uncut gem. Give us some...

Get it? Shafty? All right. Give us covers that are better than the original because that's, to me, interesting. Yeah, I think they're out there. Johnny Cash Hurt. Ooh. Hell yeah, it's better. Wait, who's the original? Nine Inch Nails, right? No, I think Cash is better.

I think Cash is better too. So Nine Inch Nails covered it? No, no. Cash didn't come up with that song. Who did? I think Nine Inch Nails, right? No. Cash is 800 years old. Yeah, but he covered it when he was old as shit. Oh, wait. I'm confused. All right. This guy's got a microphone from the AOL days. What's going on over here? You got 18 mics in here. You got to get yourself one.

Look at that thing. It's out of a jet in the box. We're on the fucking one train here. What the hell is going on? I got to give you a peeve. Yeah. You'll get it while we're doing it. All right. Here's a peeve.

And this is from a guy we know. He does this shit all the time because he wants to look cool, I think. Hate to look cool. Yeah, so I'm sitting with this guy, and it's kind of just me and him, so we're like, I know, it's amazing. So I'm like, all right, let me make some conversation. So I'm trying to be nice and converse and make small talk, and I go, hey, I saw on the internet, didn't you do a college gig on Monday? And he goes, what? No. No.

And I'm like, oh, shit, I don't know where I got. I thought I saw you doing a college gig. What was I thinking? It was on Long Island on Monday. And he was like, no, what are you talking about? I'm like, ah, shit, I don't know what I was thinking. And I go, I thought you did a college gig. He goes, yeah, that was Tuesday. And I'm like, all right. So I had everything right with the day. And you're acting like I'm. And that was a day off. Yeah, exactly. I'm like.

Oh, you had a college gig on Monday. He's like, no, no. Did you cheat on me? Do you cheat on me on Monday? No. Are you fucking kidding me? Exactly. I cheated on you on Monday? Tuesday? Yeah, yeah. I cheated on you on Tuesday. Yes, exactly. I was like, okay, you act like I fucking called your mom a whore and I had the day wrong. But could you meet me halfway and go, yeah, I did do a college gig. Wasn't that?

I would just go, yeah, yeah, I did. It was awesome. Or it sucked. To just go, no. He looked at me like I was crazy. That's a huge peeve. You know what I mean? People are not meeting you halfway. That's the peeve. You know what we're doing here. Don't be too fucking cool for school. The guy who relishes in the fuck up. You get some guy from Nebraska. He comes out here and he goes, excuse me, sir. He's got a big map out. He's got a plaid shirt on and shorts. And he goes, where is Houston Street? You're not going to go...

I don't know. There is no Houston Street. Now you're going to go, oh, it's Houston, but it's a block away. And that's the end of it. But to relish in the fuck up. I hate that. What did he just say? Yes. Houston Street? Yes. Hey, honey, get a load of this guy. He just said Houston Street. Exactly. Shut the fuck up. You know what he meant. That's all I'm saying. That drives me nuts. The dick move. It's a dick move. Yeah. I don't like people...

They're too cool for school move, dude. I can't have another one of these. Are you making me a third? I'm going to be fucking hammered. Trust me, I want... Boy, we killed the whole bottle, basically. It's only 10 ounces. It sounds cooler than I killed the bottle.

When we have a bigger bottle, we'll make sure to kill the bottle. I will bring the bigger bottle. It's sitting on my coffee table. I fucked up. There we go. No abysmal bottle. That's how we do it. Yeah. You fucked up. I'm not mad at you, though. It happens, man. Well, he pulled it together. Thank God. You pulled it together. You're the glue. Yes. You're the Draymond Green of this here pod.

Just don't snap on us. That guy's got a temper. I love that guy. By the way, there's a new Malice in the Palace. You watch that yet? I can't wait, man. It's out. Oh, it's out? It's out, yeah. Oh, yeah. Alex English, our buddy, was at that game as a kid. Whoa. They were into the crowd, man. What was that, 05?

Oh, wait. Oh, four, maybe. I don't know. It was something like that. It was the, that year, the Pacers were good enough to win it. And the Pistons, I think one, or I don't, but something like that, or maybe the Spurs won that year, but like,

The Pacers were fucking locked in. They were rocking. Reggie Miller. Oh, yeah. He should be pissed because that was like, he was old on that team. He still played, but he's old. And they had Ron Artest, who was like the guy who started that shit. But Artest, the New York guy, you love him. I mean, he's like a, you saw that doc on him? I did, yeah. Badass. He's a special guy, too. He's got mental health stuff, but he's a special. I wrote a part for him in this show I made. I hope I make it someday. Whoa.

He was basically a guy who gets canceled and he's his sponsor because he came through it. And that was a pretty fun part. I love Ron Artest, man. There's a great moment in the Malice in the Palace where one guy threw a beer on him. That's what started everything. And so Ron Artest goes out into the crowd and just hits a guy, but he hit the wrong guy. Perfect. And then they interview the guy. They're like, did you feel bad when he hit someone else and not you? And the guy goes...

No, I was relieved. This giant guy. So honest. Yeah, it was a great comedy moment. So you've watched this? I saw probably the first half, but it's fun. And you liked it? It's great. It's great. Even if you're not a huge basketball guy, I just like the way they put those documentaries together. And I can get in anything. My mission will be to get you into basketball. I mean, I do like it. I went to a Knicks game. I was...

On the edge of my seat the whole time. I love it, man. Knicks till I die, man. All day. But... Not a Nets guy, huh? No way. All right. I love the players individually. I think Durant is like a fucking... They put him up there with the greats. He's incredible. Harden, Kyrie, they're just like...

and it's like insane how good they all are yeah it's i can't not think that they're special and i love them but like i'm a knicks fan until i fucking died yeah well here's my thing about athletes randall's my favorite player i loved really all the time right now right now he's my favorite player all the time oh starks ewing oakley mace those are my favorite players spreewell

but, uh, do you go into the personal life or are you just talking about the physical play? Oh, I just love how they play. Yeah. I mean like, and then like reading the books, I love the seventies next, like the, they were like this team of guys who, I mean, to be a mixed race team in the sixties and have the best chemistry is like kind of powerful. That is cool. You know, like,

Walt Clyde Frazier and Willis Reed and Willis Reed hobbling onto the court on one like this before Twitter. So in the championship, he couldn't walk and everyone's like, he's done. And he fucking hobbled onto the court and played to be like, I'll fucking energize the team. And to this day, every article is like, it's the loudest any buildings. Wow.

Because to see him come out, they were like, this is heroic. I'm getting chills. Yeah, and then Walt Frazier, who's like my fucking favorite. He's just the coolest. He's the broadcaster now, but he won two championships for the Knicks. It's our only two championships ever. 69, 70, 72, 73. Our only two championships in 50 fucking years, man. Yeah, that's a doozy. But, you know, Frazier went off for like, I think it was like 36 points, 19 assists. Insane game to win the championship over the Lakers. And...

Willis Regis played like two plays. He came out and hit the first two shots and he couldn't walk so they subbed him out but just him playing gave the Knicks the energy to do it. Wow. So cool. Wait a minute. I mean ignorant, stupid...

non-sport guy question what do you think it is i mean one one sentence answer why is there a 50 year gap we got this amazing city with all these amazing with money who can get good players get good coaches maybe the best arena in america what is it we can't bang it out hiring the wrong people for a long time i mean what happened with here's what happened the 70s we won

80s we just weren't good 80s we draft patrick ewing then ah that but we get ewing who's incredible he's like the number one pick it was insane that we got the number one people consider they call it rigged that new york gets the number one pick even though we never fucking get it and then uh the 90s we had to go against jordan so it's like bad timing you know it's like no one beat jordan right but what about 2005 to now

A lot of problems. Hiring a lot of the wrong people in the front office. A lot of issues. Damn. It's tough, man. You see the Yankees. I know it's a different sport, but it's like... Well, there's no salary cap in baseball. Oh, okay. So you can just buy people. Got it, got it. I mean, the Knicks... I mean, you look at all these Forbes highest...

ranked franchises and the Knicks are always in the top five even though we never and we're the only team in the top five that doesn't win that's what I'm saying of any sport it's odd well cause people we're starved New York's a basketball city because you go to every block and you're like there's a fucking court every three blocks in the city it's a basketball city so uh

There's a lot of basketball cities. Chicago. Sure. You know, California is, you know, a lot of great players come out of LA. A lot of great players come out of Texas. A lot of players come from all over. But it's in this fucking city's, like, DNA. I know. That's why it's so. And I know, obviously, drafting comes from all over. But, like. We'll get good again. All right. It just takes time, man. All right.

We got good people now. I'm a psycho. I'm a psycho fan. I like that because a lot of people fall off when they're not winning. No, I fucking I go harder. Good. Because that's when you fall off. You show your true colors when things are bad, man. You'll never get a divorce. No matter how bad it gets, just staying in there. You know, you're like 50 years. We'll get another ring. These glasses are great, by the way. Look at that. Isn't that cool? These were a gift from someone. I don't know where they came from. Did we get a do we get a cover?

All right, Matt fell asleep. We got all these. We should read this one. We should plug this wine that people... So we've got to drink this one episode. When we don't have a bartender, we don't have Dan, we'll drink this right here. Argyle. I got this. Blanc de Blanc. The white of whites, which is what I call my album. They call it Charlottesville. Yeah, this looks like good... You know what? It's sparkling wine, 100% Chardonnay from Oregon, but...

They say champagne has got to be from Champagne, France. Huh. You ever heard that? It's got to be from a region. I don't know. I don't love champagne. Really? I don't. It's just like for me, it's like a huge hangover. I mean, look, it's good. I just prefer if I'm going to be hungover, I'd rather have. I like wine a lot. Yeah. I'm a wino, man. Wine's fun to get fucked up. You do like wine. It's fun to get fucked up on wine. White wine.

I go red usually. Yeah. See, I find that hangover to be bad too. Red wine is fun as hell. I find that, uh, it's a good drunk. It's a little loopy, goofy, fun. It's my favorite to get. I mean like bourbon. I love, I love a good martini. I love bourbon whiskey. I love, I go wine over beer personally. I like beer. Beer is great. But like, if I'm going to get fucked up, I'm like, I want, I want to get, I want to drink a lot of wine. All right. All right. I wish I liked, I like a white.

Red in the winter is just like, man, it's like a cold night out. You just have a fucking bottle. You're just getting hammered. Yeah. I love that shit. It looks good. It looks good. It's too thick. I love beer, too. Something about wine, man. No, I get it. I'm the weirdo. Every lady likes wine. Every guy I know, my parents love wine. Wine is just...

It's a good drunk. It is a good drunk. Like, I value, it's not just the taste, but, like, how it makes you feel, and you get a good buzz going. It's a sexy buzz, too. Do you like wine? I like certain types of wine. Uh-huh.

I would love to convert you into a wine drinker. Hey, try me. I want to get into it. It's everywhere. I think you'd like just something simple like a dry Riesling, which is nice. Like a dry white Riesling. No, I'm on board with the... His girlfriend's also a dry white. Ha ha ha ha ha. You got that right. I should have said, God damn. Ah.

That's fine. It's all labels. What do you got on there? I figure I'd broaden your wine horizons and get you to stop drinking that natural wine stuff. This is the real deal. Anytime you have any wine questions, you have a certified sommelier a text away. Wow. I have PIN, so it's official.

I don't know what pin is. That's some kind of certification? I don't know what that means. Pin? Yeah. Well, this is my buddy Craig. He was my camp counselor when I was a little kid. And he stayed in touch. That's adorable. Yeah, yeah. He's a great guy. I love Craig. Jews love camp. Yeah. He's a good kid.

We took back, the way the word, the way black people took back the word, the N word, we took back camp. Write that down. That's big. But no, he was great. Except I can say camp. I remember he chased me around the bunk once. We were sweeping duties. We had like, you know, duties to sweep. And he got really mad at me once. He chased me all over. And I ran with the broom and I ran through the door with it horizontally. And I just knocked my window. Oh.

Oh, man. Another time, same counselor. Wholesome fun. Another time, I jumped off a dam. Wow. And I landed on a rock. And he was like, I'm going to get fired. What happened? I was okay. I think it was like a sprained ankle or something. Wow. I landed very luckily. You were going for the water. Yeah. Wow. Damn, that's wild. Yeah.

That's my biggest nightmare. You know, when people jump off the cliff or whatever, and then they're like, dude, your head was an inch away from a rock. Or maybe there's a rock an inch below the water you just didn't see. I'm like, I'm good with all that stuff. We take enough risks in our life. Yeah. Flying every week, I'm like, one of these has got to go down. You think? The odds. Yeah.

They're against us. And then you're like, you don't hear a lot of plane crashes anymore. No, no. Whatever the hell that was. Yeah. Sheetrock. Yeah. But Malaysia, it feels like planes disappear.

Did we ever find that Malaysian? I know it's like a, this is like a hack bit from 14 years ago. I think it just, it's gone. Yeah. When you don't hear from it, it's like, it's, it doesn't go into, that'd be a great, that's the new Amazon prime show, right? They're like the people from the Malaysian plane and another dimension. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why Bermuda triangle bit that never worked. It's like, it was just a scary thing and now we fixed it, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

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Your balls. Do we have a wreck this week? Oh, yeah. I got a couple, actually. Hit me. You got a million peeves. I got a million wrecks. I don't know if I have any wrecks right now. Here we go. I don't know where you stand on this. Uh-oh. Look what's coming at you. Oh, baby. He's just putting it there. Wow. You reached for that thing quick. No hesitation. That was awesome. I'll tell you. Ha, ha, ha.

Here's a wreck. I gave my doctor a urine sample and an olivine. I don't want to say my ex-wife was fat, but her belly button had an echo. Here's a wreck. Get an electric toothbrush, everybody. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love them. You got to do it. I brushed my teeth for 18 minutes. Joe was like, what are you doing? You get an electric, you knock it out in four seconds, hit every tooth.

It's great. Great for you. Oral B electric. Charge it every night. You're good to go. Damn. That was my nickname in prison. Oral B. But I, yeah, no, I love a, I love an electric toothbrush. Game changer. I love, I love. You got one? Oh,

Oh, yeah. I've had it for years. I'm way behind. I got one for my girlfriend. She was not into it at first, and I was kind of like, are you fucking kidding me? Really? She kind of was like, this is just like, I don't like how it feels in my teeth, and now she's never looked back. Whoa. Yeah, no, they're just better. They're not even that expensive anymore. No, they're cheap, but...

I've never put, I'm like Bob Dylan. I'm acoustic. We sound like we're like, this sounds like we're compromised after this wreck. This sounds like we're in like partnership with Big Dental or something. Also, you know, you guys, my wreck is flossing. Those little pics. Yeah. Flossing is nice though. It is. It is. But apparently not as, everybody's like, you got to floss every day.

Apparently it's like once a week. It's fine. Really? That's what the new studies are saying. It depends how much you eat corn, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Corn and pork. If I eat barbecue, it's all in the cracks. Good barbecue, man. I'll be in. I'll be in. Well, no, actually, that's St. Louis. St. Louis coming up. I'll be in. They have great barbecue. I'll be. Yeah. Missouri's got legit barbecue for sure. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That was my nickname in college, Dry Rub. But I don't even know what that means. But yeah, get some barbecue, get an oral B, and get your teeth cleaned. What about you? What do you got, a wreck? Wreck? I don't know if I have one this week, man. I've been watching a lot of shows. You know what? I got a wreck, actually. I'm such a big fan of Tim Robinson.

Oh, everybody's raving about this new season. Do you watch I Think You Should Leave? I've never watched it. Oh, I think he's like, I love Sam Richardson too. My rec, I Think You Should Leave, you should definitely watch on Netflix. I'm watching Detroiters, man. God damn, they're funny together. They're just fucking, Matt, have you seen this shit? Everybody's raving.

I mean, it's just pure fun. The episodes are like 15 minutes. It's just fun, dude. There's a couple... I'm texting with my boy Phil Hanley and Phil's like,

There's a sloppy steaks episode in the second season. That's all you need to know. All right. And like Phil's like, that's the hardest I think I've ever laughed. Like it's, it's, and it got me so hard. Like I was like, I'm watching. Sorry, I'm a child, but I'm going to watch. I was dying, dude. If you two like it, I'll check it out. It's really good.

It's really funny. Everybody on Twitter, people I respect, are like, this show is amazing. It's so funny. It's like any sketch show. It's hit or miss. No sketch show bats a thousand, but when it hits, it hits on another level because his commitment is...

I love Tim Robinson. Yeah. That guy rules. No, he's great. He's great. And such a funny looking guy. Like he just looks when you see him, you're like, this guy's funny. It's he does the way Sandler did shit in the nineties where it was like, he would commit to just being a lunatic. Yes. We're like, he'd be like just screaming and you'd be howling as a kid. Yeah. It's that type of funny. Okay. He's found like a new type of character. Right.

Right. Where he just will fuck with people. Like it's, it's, it's almost like he, it's a great inspiration where you're like, Oh, I need to follow my gut on stuff with standup even. I mean, because like he'll take such a small minute thing and stretch it to the limit. All right. I'll check it out. People are raving. I think he's awesome. And, uh,

Yeah, he's the best. All right. And it's on Netflix. I Think You Should Leave is on Netflix. And Detroiters is on, I think, the Comedy Central app, maybe Paramount Plus. So good luck with that one. But I'm watching it and I'm loving it. All right. Loving it. I'm in. I'm in. I'm going to check it out. Good rec. Yeah. Good day. Now, geez, I don't know how long we've been on. We've got to do a bit.

Yeah. Are we going long? What time is it? I think we're right on time. I'll tell you, we're all right, you know? Yeah. Let's see. Bit. You got something? I have an idea. So I think this could maybe be stretched further. Did I ever try this bit on you? Hit me. It's the problem with this podcast. We drink, so I don't know what the hell I've said before. I don't know where I am. So I had this bit about how like

First off, I was talking to a friend and he was like trying to use, you know, he's trying to sound progressive about the trans thing. And he was like, look, man, I get I'll play along.

I'm like, yeah, you're not as progressive as you think saying I'll play along. I don't think they're grateful that you're like, yeah, you're a woman. Wink, wink. I'm playing along here. You know what I mean? Right. That's one part of it. The other part is like how I just think that's a whole. I think I love the idea of being like, no, I get it. I'll play along. Right. You're not. I'm on to you. They're not. They're not grateful for that comment. Yeah. But also maybe love. And then also that's funny. The thing about like.

I get trans people because with this voice, I identify as a much stronger man.

You know what I mean? Like, I should not be this cowardly with this voice. I should be in a much stronger man's body. Oh, that's good. That's good. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you're 6'3". You got the deepest voice, hairy chest. Like, hairy chest is what they say. Like, that'll put hair on your chest. It's like a manly thing. Yeah. And you're like, I can't even drive. Yeah. I'm not a man. Right.

Well, that's funny. You identify, you come off as a man. Well, I do all the things men do. I mean, I drank, I don't drive though. You're very manly. You drink and drive. That's true. I combine them. Yeah. No, no, I like that. That's funny.

So would you identify as not a man or maybe you look like a man, but identify as not? Maybe on paper for the most part. I can't fix it though, though, you know? Yeah, exactly. I think on a superficial level, they're like, he's a man, but I'm not. Yeah, it's like how people go, you look like a man. You're like, no, but I identify as a woman. You're like, but you look like a man. You're like, I identify as a boy. I identify as a weakling. Yeah, there you go. With no ability to fix things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's good. I identify as a man who needs to call maintenance a lot. Right. Right. Yeah. That's the real you. What do you got? That's you inside. Ah, this could be horrible. Uh, this is a stretch of a bit because we're, we're doing these back to back. So I didn't feel like I had, I really had a lot of time to come up with this, but I think I got something here and feel free to shoot this down.

My friend, his hair is receding really bad, but he's in denial about it. Like, his girlfriend's like, oh, maybe you should get Rogaine or Keeps or one of those things. And he's like, nah, I'm fine. And he almost sounds like a guy who is...

in denial about climate change. It's like he's losing coastline. It's like the facts are there. You can see photos. Here's a photo of a glacier in 88, and here's a photo of a glacier now. And then it's the same with his hair. Look at you in 88. It goes back an inch every year. Your ice caps are melting. And he still won't believe it. Wow. Is that anything...

It's interesting. It's a bit of a leap. I get it. But to me. No, it's like climate change. The proof is there. I like that. The proof is there, but he still won't buy it. And his girlfriend. It sucks when it's a climate change denier when it's the person who's most affected by climate change. Right, right. Because it's like, right, it's like. It's missing something. No, but the fact that it's, it's like, you're like if the southern coast of Florida was like, this isn't real. Right. With your hairline. Right. Yeah, yeah.

like uh ah it's tough because i thought about something maybe with like the hair you know people say like don't people like it hotter and people go well don't people like it bald don't women like bald guy i don't know maybe there's something there but some women like bald guys but uh yeah yeah yeah it's a kind of it's pretty high concept and a bit of a stretch but he sounds just like a denier yeah you won't

Like you could still, you know, it's like, why don't we do something? Why don't we recycle? And you're like, why don't you get Rogaine? He's like, nah, that ain't real. Either way, they might just be lazy. That might be the core of it. Why don't you recycle? Eh, it'll work itself out. You're like, it's not. I'm looking at you. You need to get yourself a mirror. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. What do climate change deniers say? Maybe if he believes in the climate, maybe if he believes that it's a problem coming up.

Oh, so he believes in that, but not this. We need to do something about this. She's like, we need to do something about this. Uh-huh. That might be actually easier to swallow. This affects me right now. Right. Climate change will affect your kids. This could make everything wet. She's like, I'm definitely not wet. Uh-huh.

See, when I did it to the crowd, I could tell they were like, ah, what do you mean? I don't know where you're going. It's not a short swing yet. Yes. I need to make it simplified. So that might be a better way. Yeah. Like he's worried about that, but not this. Yeah. One of them is now. The other one is going to be bad. I don't know. It's an idea. Text me if you got an idea. I get all these nice messages. There's something there. Yeah. Yeah.

I finally got the old man hungover thing working. So there's been a few that I've tried on here that are working. The engagement thing killed last night. Yeah, I got some new shit hidden there. Uh...

So everything's good, man. It just takes a minute with these bits. Yeah. People at home don't know how hard it is to write new material. It's tough because I'm working on other stuff now, too. You know, we do this. You have your other podcast. I have another podcast. Right. We're writing a show or working on a sitcom or movie. Yeah, we're doing a lot of stuff, so it's hard. And then, you know, we're tired a lot from just travel. So I think, like, your brain, and yeah, I'm sure the booze is not helping, but it does help also. Sometimes you need to shut down. That's true.

You got to turn off. It's like a computer. You leave it on too much. You're like, this is going slow. Yes. Same with the brain. Every once in a while, you got to shut down, whether it be a drink or five, Call of Duty, whatever shit you do. Yeah, exactly. Do you play video games ever? No, I'm not a video game guy, and I'm glad I'm not. Yeah. Because I got hooked on Candy Crush for a while. Yeah, it's hilarious.

my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend at the time was like, you gotta stop. Like, you just sit there and I'll be like, oh, fuck, it's 5 a.m. And then you lose all the day because you sleep all day. Is that game fun? It's just fun and addictive and your brain, it gets right in your head and I just had to delete it off my phone. I'm not one of those guys who's like, I had to delete Twitter. I can't,

I can shut that shit off, but Candy Crush, I just kept going. You're on the train, you're on a plane. It's funny that you're like, I have a problem with Candy Crush. I've literally watched how much you drink, and you've never told me you have an alcohol problem. Yeah. And you're like, fucking Candy Crush, man. It got me, man. It's getting me. It got me. And this is 10 years ago, but it got me good, and I just never played it since. I had to go to rehab for Candy Crush.

Should we plug dates? Yes. What do you got? Let's see. This must come out in, what, October? We really backlogged here. No, not this week and the following one. Oh, okay, okay. Well, I'm in...

Appleton this weekend. Skyline. Haven't been there in years. I don't even remember what it's like. I'll be in Michigan. I'll be right by close to you. I'll be in Royal Oak this weekend. There you go. Wisconsin, Nashville, West Palm Beach, New Orleans. Going home to see the folks. Atlanta.

um, Portland, Madison, Wisconsin. A lot of fun dates. Come on by, check it out. Praise. Oh, Boston and Providence, Royal Oak, Michigan. This weekend at the, uh, comedy castle, laugh, Boston, Boston. Can't wait. Uh, punchline, Atlanta, Miller'sville, Pennsylvania, helium in Philadelphia, uh, moon tower in Austin. I got St. Louis, uh, helium, uh,

Indianapolis Helium Blue Room in October I got fucking Denver so many weekends San Francisco is on sale for Cobb in November they were announcing something with the New York Comedy Festival

Hey, maybe a live app. Who knows? Live app, who knows? Then we got, fuck, Stand Up Live, Phoenix, so much shit. I'm forgetting some, but go to samoreal.com slash shows. Oh, and I'll see you at Red Rocks, speaking of Denver, with Bert. That'll be a banana. When's that? That's in like a month. So that's actually September 8th.

So that's coming. That'll be around the corner. Then we're going to Jimmy Buffett the next night. Dude, that's wild. It's going to be nuts. But yeah, comedy's fun. Come on out. Don't kill yourself. Keep drinking. Subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunk and email us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. We read them on the Patreon. You guys are sending us awesome packages at Gotham Studios on 38th Street. Thank you to Gotham Studios. Thank you to Matt.

Dan, you're the best. I mean, we should have had him plug something before he left here. Oh, yeah. I mean, he got us nice and loose. Yeah. I forgot his last name. But look up Dan. He's a bartender. Thanks for all the tequila stuff, Jamie Lynn. And yeah, send it in. We'll drink it. We'll eat it. We'll talk about it. Take it easy.