Ep 3: Whiskey Eggnog & Manhattan
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Yo. Yay. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah. Cheers. What are you drinking? I know it's a little late. I'm a day late here, but well, you go first. What is that? I got a Maker's Manhattan Classic. I like it. That's whiskey, vermouth, cherry. Uh-huh. What am I missing? Threw some bitters in there. Bitter.

I like, and I got the big cube. I also, I love the maraschino cherry, man. You can't, you're not, you're having a good time when there's a cherry involved. You can call me a pussy all you want, but it's a, it's a good time ingredient. It's a good time. I mean, it's the cherry on top. Literally. You got it like a chocolate sundae or anything that the cherry Coke, you name it. Cherry helps. Cherry. Papa cherry. That must've been like when it came on the popper cherry.

All that stuff. When Cherry Coke came on the scene, that must have been just hysteria. That must have been like the Beatles of drinks. Because Coke is already like a game changer, right? Right. When you had the first Coke. I mean, because cocaine. Sure. But I mean, it's America's drink. It was huge.

Yeah, dude. I love it. A Manhattan is like a winter drink to me. It's like, it just puts me in a good place. Yeah, I'm having a lot of Manhattans. It's like a holiday drink too. Because you're like, it's, it's, it's bourbon, but it's kind of got that sweetness. I love it. It's perfect because it's subtle, but it still has a great flavor. It's a perfect man's drink.

You know, you're still having a cocktail, but it's not some frilly bullshit with a umbrella in it, you know? Exactly. You know what? It's like, I feel like everyone went old fashioned because of Mad Men. Everyone's like, Don Draper drinks an old fashioned. I'm like, first off, Don Draper will drink fucking anything. All right. He's a man. He'll drink. He'll drink a martini. If it's a lunch meeting, he'll do a Bloody Mary. He doesn't give a shit. He drinks old fashions, but I don't like this. I like the sweet vermouth. I don't like the straight sugar. I like to lie to myself how much sugar I'm having.

Yes. Good point. Good point. Also, birthplace of you, which is kind of fun. It is fun. Like, I got the hurricane, which is the shittiest drink of all time. And it's a tragedy. It's like a, what do you call it? Like a natural disaster. It ruined my city. And that's our drink. And we have a Sazerac, but that tastes like dog shit. You wouldn't drink these as often if they were called a 9-11. There it is. There it is. Ha ha ha.

You got hand grenades also, which are fucking disgusting. Yeah, it's just sugary tourist hogwash. Yeah. So, all right. What the hell is a Shirley Temple, by the way? We were talking Coke. We're talking cherry. What is Shirley Temple? It's Sprite. It's, I think, grenadine.

Okay, okay. It's weird. It's kind of like a kid's first taste of like, it's like a gateway to cocktails. Yes, exactly. Because like Sprite isn't enough. He was like, I need an extra kick. And you're like, all right. Yeah. And then you put the cherry on it. That's like the dressing. You're right. It's a cocktail starter. Yeah.

Yeah, what do you got? I'm going to make it in front of you. This is a special edition. So first off, shout out to the mom for, what do you call that? That was my gift, was the ice cube maker. Oh my God, what a cool mom. Oh my God, that looks great. All right, then I'm joining you. Oh, I'm doing, yeah, Maker's Mark. I got to shout out Trey Wingo, my man who sent it to me, sent me the bottle. Great guy. All right, Wingo. Look out for his new podcast that just came out.

I'm going to do a little two fingers there, much like Aziz. And then in the mouth. And then we're going. This is where it gets real sad. Ooh, no, it's not sad at all. I love it. I love the festive vibe you're bringing here, man. One of my favorite drinks, I always say eggnog is like Mariah Carey. I'm a fan, but after Christmas is over, I don't need it for a year. There we go.

I should have joined you. Oh, that looks delicious.

Stir it up with a big pen. You can do rum too, right? Yeah. Okay. You can do rum, but come on. We're heterosexuals here. Yeah, what are we, pirates? Yeah. Exactly. Rum is a bit much, right? Yeah, yeah. Rum, it's not as good, and it's the weaker. It's not a drinker's choice. I think a real drinker likes a little bourbon. Well, the bourbon cuts the sweetness of the eggnog a little bit. I like that.

that's good oh i might have to go ahead and get some after this that looks good man i mean if you need i can shoot some over i had a gallon over the christmas holiday and now i got this i just got this for the show and it's it's too much i wonder if they're doing like i bet they're doing like oat milk eggnog now i bet they're doing i bet like they have a healthy no doubt about it soy uh silk eggnog what the hell's a nog by the way

I don't know. It sounds dirty. Nog. Nog. Yeah. You got nogged in the alley. Do you have like a holiday movie of choice? Are there any ones you watch every year or do you mix it up or what do you do? Well, I mean, this is a wonderful life. It's a Wonderful Life is always a classic. It's so heavy, though. It's so long, black and white. Never saw it.

What? I know. It was like never on the list as a kid. I know it's a classic. I know I should have seen it. I mean, it's worth it just to sit down and watch it because it's two hours and 15 minutes, but it's heavy. Like it covers philosophical thoughts and, you know, growing up and life and all that shit. So it's worth it.

Yeah, but it's 600 times. I know list is always seen it in every time in the movie theater every December and I'm just like every year, a yearly trip to the movie theaters feels like a lot but I get it. It's like a comfort in the right, but I don't I don't know I don't know I don't really have one.

You know, Love Actually is a classic. It's technically a Christmas. Then there's a diehard debate, which is so silly. No guy has ever been like, let's watch Love Actually. I'm telling you, it holds up. Really? If you got a romantic bone in you, it's something. I do, and I don't like it. You know what's interesting? I saw a girl once, and she was like,

We watched Play It Again Sam, the Woody Allen movie. And she was like, this is awful. And then I was like, all right, you put on a movie. And she made me watch Love Actually. And I was like, oh, you hated Play It Again Sam? So I was like immediately like, fuck this movie. That movie's got a few of my favorite lines in it. Play It Again Sam. Well, his wife is divorcing him. And she goes, you're just not as romantic as you were when we first met. And he goes, you want me to keep up the same level of charm as I did during courtship? You want me to have a heart attack?

Wow, that's great. Great line. That says so much. That's like half my act right there. And then he has another line where he's trying to pick up a woman in a museum and she's just the most nihilistic, dark woman ever and he's so turned on by her. And he says, what does this painting mean to you? And she goes, that everything is filled with nothingness and life is bleak and terrible and every moment we're suffering. And he goes, what are you doing Saturday night? And she goes, committing suicide. And he goes...

What are you doing Friday night? That's great. Classic jokes in that movie. It's a great movie. Man, I love that. I love when a joke is so good. That's a 54-year-old joke or whatever, and it still kills. So good. Love Actually, maybe I'll give it a shot. I came in so... I like Bad Santa a lot. I was going to say Bad Santa. Love Actually is fine, but if we're talking comedy, I think Christmas Vacation is the number one of all time. Oh, yeah.

I haven't seen that one forever, but yeah, as a kid, I definitely, I loved Randy Quaid. Oh, dude, so good. The uncle with the toupee, the squirrel. Elaine is in it from Seinfeld. I mean, it's a joke a minute and they're sentimental moments, but they all end with a punch. They don't leave any scene too sappy.

Yeah, I like Bad Santa because it goes right to the verge of not at all redeemable, and then somehow it's redeemable. It's just kind of perfect. I heard that Larry David and Jack Nicholson were up for that part, too, and I think they both turned it down. I think Billy Bob nailed it. I mean, Larry David would be too smarmy. Billy Bob has that sadness to him. He looks decrepit and creepy and down and out. Yeah, it is.

He kind of, he makes it more dramatic. Larry David, it would have been, it would have been hilarious, but it would have been like, I don't know if it would have had the same dramatic weight. Yes. Yeah. It's he'd be more tongue in cheek. And then Nicholson is too much where you're like, all right, buddy, you're, you actually, I think you're going to fuck this kid and kill it. Yeah.

That fat kid, I don't know what he's doing now. He's just perfect, though. He's so good in it, man. Child actors, man. That is the worst fate of any human being. I mean, like, you see those kids... He could be very happy. Well, I

I'm just, he wasn't huge. Like I'm talking like Ricky Schroeder and the kid from Webster. Like, you know, those kids in Africa with the machine guns when they're like seven, those kids turn out better than child actor. Every one of them's tapped. They're all wrecked. They look at Corey Ham. They're like you poor bastard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He got out easy. He died. Feldman. Feldman's a mess.

All of them are ruined. It's a tough gig, man. Yeah, it's tough because you know guys who peak young who are star football players at their high school. That's got nothing.

on being a star, a movie star as a child. Occasionally you see one, like I think Chunk from the Goonies is an entertainment lawyer and you're like, all right, you lucked out there. That's because you're kind of in that world, but you're like- Yes, and you're still respected and making money. See, Jewish guy, Jewish. The family kept him in line. I'm sure of it. He became a lawyer still. He stayed in show business, but like Macaulay Culkin's weird now. What's that guy's name? Macaulay Culkin was too big though. That's like- Huge, huge.

Like, can you imagine the shit that kid's seen? I mean, he defended Michael Jackson, but he must know something. That's like being on Epstein's jet and not seeing anything, like, for sure. But you're like, this is, something's off. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. He looks different. Like, his face is twisted. That's the face of, I'm holding in a pedophile secret. Yeah.

for decades. What about Michael J. Fox? He was a child actor. He got off easy, but he's still, he's literally trembling from it.

Fuck, he was the best, dude. I loved Michael J. Fox. So, Spin City, so fucking underrated. Great, great comedy. Charlie Sheen, that's like the rare show where someone comes in and does a great... I thought Charlie Sheen is hilarious on that show. Oh, right. I stopped watching after Michael J. He's great. Charlie Sheen is kind of like... I think he gets no love as a comic actor, but he plays it so straight. Yes. He's like a totally dry, straight man. I know it's not popular to say, but I think he's like, you know...

What? People love Charlie Sheen. They do, but they also like, I think like purist, like comedy people are like, fuck that guy. He's, you know what I mean? Oh no, I think he's great. I mean, him and Ferris Bueller had like a seven minute part and he stole the whole movie. That thing was incredible. Yeah, you're right. Hot shots. He's so funny. Hot shots. Oh,

Oh, man. One of the great spoofs that no one brings up. I know he's one of the highest paid TV actors ever. I know, like, obviously the consensus in the world is that people like him. But I'm just saying, like, I think, like, comedy people are like, oh, that should have been like a comic actor. But, like, no, that guy, he's so dry and straight. You need a guy like that. That's like the Leslie Nielsen thing. Right.

And like, like Leslie Nielsen, I think he studied under like Lawrence Olivier or some shit. Like he's like, he was like trying to be Anthony Hopkins. And then he like got a police squad and they're like, this is fucking good. There's a little, YouTube has such amazing videos as a documentary on Leslie Nielsen and his you're right. His early stuff, he was just trying to be Shakespeare and play it straight. He got some spaceship movie that went nowhere and he was like the captain and nobody saw it, but he just,

you know tinkered along for decades and then he got this and he was like ah it i'll take it what else am i doing and he killed it naked gun is like it's just if you watch like police squad you're like these one-liners are just gold oh like like a midget at a urinal i'm gonna have to be on my toes and there's a million of them

Oh, dude. Yeah. And dude, I mean, OJ Simpson. It's like so much. You relive. You're like, holy shit. What a different time. OJ was a great comedic supporting actor in this shit. I know. I know. Unreal. Man, that movie was good. Yeah. Joe List always brings up the scene where there's like three riffraffs.

like at the baseball game and they're in the queen's box and they go what the hell get out of here and like oh sorry and they're just like three guys sitting in them queen sections with their feet up smoking so fucking good dude oh it's so good that's how about just all the dancing with the steve reich fucking gold oh so funny i was actually just listening to uh

There's this podcast now. Speaking of, I listened to some of the Malcolm Gladwell on your recommendation. Loved it. I listened to the one on Howard Hughes and the guy who wrote the fake autobiography or the fake biography on Howard Hughes.

And he got busted. I had no idea this story existed, but it's completely insane. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody wrote a fake biography as a book and sold it and it did well? He sold it. No, it never got released because Howard Hughes was a recluse. He was a recluse late in life and this guy just gambled. He's like,

Look, I'm going to write all these fake flattering stories like that. He like he wrote this chapter that he told him like it was a fake interview. He and his buddy just went to like, I don't know where they went. They went somewhere on vacation, like the Bahamas or something, not the Bahamas or something like that. And they would just get fucking wasted and sit in a hotel room and like fake the interviews. One night one would be too drunk. So he's like, I'll be Howard Hughes tonight. And they were just wow.

Tell these stories. He's like, ah, and then I hung out with Hemingway and Hemingway was like, Hughesy, you're the man, you know? So they're just making up these stories and Howard Hughes is a recluse. So they're like banking on the fact that he won't come out of hiding and they can get away with this. And, uh,

And he's described him on all these shows. He's just like, he's like, yeah, I met him. And he's such a good liar that they were like, so what's Howard Hughes like? What does he look like? Because there were stories that his fingernails, he never cut his fingernails. I had to hear he had long hair. And he said, he's an older man, but with the dignity of a man who is very good looking. Like he just knew how to answer everything. Wow. That's a real like, what do you call it? What's the word for liar? Yeah.

when they lie a lot pathological yeah yeah that's impressive that he went that deep with it oh they went so deep and some of the stories i mean i i was blown away it was the first one i listened to and i couldn't believe it i so so fascinating that someone could get this far with it i haven't i haven't heard this one yet i gotta listen to that it's one of the more recent ones okay i loved it but you made me think about there's another podcast i've been i've been listening to podcasts i have a different recommendation but i was listening there's this referee

I'm sure you heard about this guy in the NBA. It's called whistleblower. Tim Donahue was this referee who was like, all right, so he would, the NBA fans hate this guy. Cause like he fixed games in the early two thousands and,

you know, he's a scumbag. He would just fix games. Like, but they lie. You're like, you could fix games. You could manipulate games. That's the difference, right? Like you manipulate them. Those are calls that you're like, well, I probably should have made this call, but I could have not, but I can, I can coach. I can ref a game where I like slightly manipulate a game, but I'm not really fixing it. And this is kind of like, there's nothing questionable here because NBA is the only game really, I guess football, you could argue too,

Well, the ref is the biggest role in basketball because you can call fouls. I mean...

you can challenge in the NFL. You can't, you can challenge now in the NBA, but this was before you could challenge, you know? So, and even then it's like not as big a part of the NBA as it is the NFL. So this guy, so the mob was involved with this shit, right? There's people, it's crazy. The story's crazy. And I'll give this to the podcast out of the gate. Michael Imperioli starts doing voiceover and I'm like, all right, I'm the target demo for this. Like Sopranos, Sopranos and basketball. It's great. But,

But yeah, dude, it's completely insane. Wow. I mean, you always wondered, like, you know, you always hear players say that they get all riled up. You're like, he's biased. He's all for the other team or whatever it is. And it's true. I mean... It was true. And also, I mean, there's a famous game

It was the Kings versus the Lakers. And it was the, the Kings like swear they should have won this game. And the Lakers got like 40 free throws. So they just call it everything a foul. And I don't think he was, I don't think he was reffing that game. I can't remember now. I listened to it a couple of weeks ago, but it was either him or some other guy that also had a questionable, there was like, you go through it and there's like,

They said there's one, by the way, they said there's one ref in the NBA who doesn't cheat on their wife. It made me think of the Sopranos where they like make fun of, they all make fun of Bacala because he didn't fuck around. Right. Yeah.

But it's like hilarious. Can you imagine listening to that? And you're like one of the wives of an NBA player. And you're like, well, it's not my husband. Right, right. That's kind of a genius thing is you give that one out, you know, everybody's just like, oh, it's me. It's me. It must be me. I'm good. Completely crazy. And yeah, I mean, all these guys were kind of

Most, at least most, most of them were on the take. And that was Tim Donahue's whole thing. It was like, I'm not the only one, but he's taken all the heat. I mean, he's out of the game, you know, he's long. I mean, obviously he's out. Is that jail time? You think? Cause I mean, that is like, I think he did some time and I listened to this a few weeks ago. I think he did some time in jail. Yeah.

Wow. That's wild. And the mob involved is so fucking wild. That's so old school. Any sports betting, you got to imagine the mob's got some stake in that shit because the house always wins, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Damn, George Carlin always had, he always ended a lot of bits with like, and then we'll get the mob to bet on it. That was like a big, big punchline of his. You know, he'd be like, here's what we'll do. We'll electrocute their sack and then see who dies first and we'll get the mob in on it. You know, then the heads will roll the little holes and you bet on who's going, you know, all that shit. And I was just listening to some George today and he had a mob bit like that. It was so funny. I tell you some a bit about how the mob should do the news because they already know what's going to happen. Like,

A bunch of people were found dead tomorrow. And then that would kill. And then you go, the winning lottery numbers are, and that was like an applause break. That was like a clean to tell. That was like a late night joke. Yeah.

That's beautiful. I mean, Attell was, he was pretty clean back in the day, I think, because you kind of had to be a little bit. And he's got a Montreal set. He's got hair. I remember this. It's got to be late 90s or mid 90s. And he's killing, and that joke is in there. And it's such brilliant stuff because, I

I mean, he's brilliant now, but it's a lot of this, a lot of that, a lot of, like, vibrator, butt plug, or whatever, which is all great, midget this, midget that, but he had to be clean, and it's still brilliant and still a telly. It's so interesting, yeah, because, like,

You're right. You had to be kind of cleaner back then. I remember like Mackie and I, Joe Mackie and I took this class at the comic strip when we started. And this guy, DF Sweetler, who taught the class was he's a great guy. And he would just always tell me, he'd be like, you got to write clean before you can write dirty. And I was like, man, what great advice. Cause he's right. I mean, he's like, he said, cause he said to me, he'd use a telling guys like that as an example. He's like your favorite dirty comics can write clean. Exactly. That's such a great, that's such a great note.

It's a great note. Also, it's real comedy. I mean, I hate to say that dirty is obviously real comedy, but if you can write a clean joke, that's like, okay, you've written a joke. Because a dirty punchline will get a laugh, usually. So if you can write a clean punchline, then you're like, all right, you really wrote a real joke. For sure. You didn't just, you know, say...

butt fuck at the end or whatever which is funny obviously we all have jokes where we're like man that hit 10 times harder because we said fucking or fuck and then you're like how strong is that joke

Of course. I used to have a fucking whatever, and I said freaking on TV, and I remember I showed up, and a bunch of comments were like, hey, what's up? Nice freaking day. And I was like, all right, all right. It did not hit as hard? Yeah, it didn't hit as hard, but it really stood out, that freaking, because I never say freaking. Ah, okay.

I'm always kind of like, if the joke's good, it works either way. But sometimes you need to fuck. I'm not super judgmental about that. I think sometimes you need to fuck. I agree. Well, if you save them, you know, like some people just fuck every fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. But if you save them, they can be utilized perfectly. Like you had a bit. Oh, shit. It was in your Comedy Central hour.

where you said fuck was the punchline like what the fuck and it kills now i can't think of it damn i don't know but it was the only fuck in there so that's why it works it's cosby how's that you earn it you earn it you earn it cosby's got that bit where he goes uh yeah

What if he's an asshole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cocaine intensifies your personality. He goes, yeah, oh, yeah, what if you're an asshole? Yeah, cocaine. Yeah, exactly. And it's just like the it's like a four minute. It feels like a four minute applause. They're going nuts because he never uses them. That was a long joke to reveal the punchline that Cosby is a cokehead. Yeah, he likes drugs. Yeah.

Yeah, it's so funny that Cosby's like the one who's like self-righteous and like, you know, the one who's like pull your, I mean, that's hilarious that Hannibal just destroyed Bill Cosby. I know. And it also proves like a lot of women were like, nobody believes women. Nobody listens to women. You're like, all right, shut up, sister, whatever, you know, keep cooking. A man says it, it pops.

I remember Mike DiStefano, rest in peace, Mike D, who is so funny. I remember I worked the door at Broadway and he went on stage one night and said something about Cosby goes, Oh yeah, you all fucking like him, but you know, he's a piece of shit. And he goes, I, yeah. And I was like, what? I didn't know. I Googled it that night. You know, and I remember being like, I had no idea. It took a guy. That's how, when you're that powerful, that shit is buried.

yes yes lawyers and whatever it whatever the chunk from the goonies was burying that shit you know it's true though like it's all the honorable uh the honorable judge uh fucking joe pandoliano from goonies and his mother and then hey you guys that's how he walked in chunk chunk your rebuttal stop calling me that anyway uh

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's true. All right. Fine. Sustained. Do the truffle shuffle and maybe I'll fucking do it. So that's interesting. Yeah. Cosby, man. Do you have a do you have a rec for this week? Well, it's a little basic, as the kids say. But I don't know if you've seen it yet.

but everybody's talking about it and the hype is real i know you're gonna say already you already know can i guess yeah is it soul oh i cried i had a tear in my eye i have so many layers so many levels you know brilliant brilliant writing had a great message did you see it no no i'm gonna see it i'm gonna watch it with salicus

I mean, it is heavy duty. Like the fact that this is a kid's movie is a gift to children. This is like,

I mean, I'm building it up, but this is it. No, no, I've not heard anything. I mean, what I love about this is I see like literally people on my timeline on social media who could not be more different. Yes. And they're all saying how great it is. So I'm excited to see it. I had the same thing. I had some like super woke activist guy say how great it was. I was like, oh, here we go. And then Louis Gomez. Oh, shit. I got to watch it.

You got both. Lewis is a tough guy, so you get the tough guy badge, too. Yeah, because it's a black-centric jazz cartoon, so it almost feels like, oh, is this some kind of black BLM thing, like black voices? And then you're like, no, this is a great movie. Right, so it transcends. Oh, yeah. But I feel like a lot of those Pixar movies kind of transcend.

You know, they reach kids and adults. They're so well done. Pixar is on another level. I mean, it's so, they're so good. And it's hard to get good movies made now. I feel like like independent, interesting, profound, thought provoking movies.

like Pulp Fiction, I don't know if it could be made today or my big fat Greek wedding or whatever the fuck. Tarantino pitching Pulp Fiction now. He's in the room. So then a guy standing there, he's getting sodomized. They're like, please leave our office. But he's black. Okay, wait, you haven't gotten to the scene where a black guy gets shot in my garage and I dropped the N word 14 times. Just listen. Let me finish. Yeah. But John Travolta shoots a guy in the face. Yeah.

But yeah, it's... But Tarantino's a fucking genius. He's a genius, meanwhile. So yeah, it all works out. But then again, you need that track record. And even now, I heard that Tim Burton pitched something everywhere and struck out. He got shut out completely. I mean, you know, so it doesn't matter your track record sometimes. No, what's the guy...

Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola. He, he pitched something and they're like, well buy a movie from you if it's a mob movie. And he was like, Jesus Christ. God, it's so fucking. And it's like, I love Scorsese. I don't need to see, I didn't need the Irishman. I was more excited. Like honestly nowadays. And I'm not look Irishman. I'm glad I saw it. It was fun. I didn't need, I'm just saying I didn't need it. Imagine. I remember showing my girlfriend the fucking, I showed her that first.

She had never seen Casino or Goodfellas. Oh, Jesus. So she's like, this is just a way better version. I'm like, yeah, that's what it is. And then 10 minutes into Casino, she's like, I'm good. I get it. I'm like, all right, turn it off. Like, imagine watching them in that order. It's just fucking weird. Right. I want to see different shit. I love...

So you see Shutter Island, you're like, well, this is different than his other shit. That's why I kind of like seeing it, you know? Right. The Departed, I know it's another, like, gangster movie, but at least it's, like, a different type of gangster movie. Yeah, it's Irish, it's Boston, it's police, it's not mob. But, yeah.

But yeah, you're right. And it's a different, like, and even just having Nicholson instead of De Niro. Yeah. It's kind of different. Like, I love De Niro, but it's like, all right, at least it's like a different vibe. True. Yeah. Was that like Baldwin, Matt Damon? Yeah. Yeah. Every time Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg speak in that movie, it's like...

I mean, who are you? I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy. Fucking great lines, man. Yeah, yeah. You two-faced Irish lace curtain fuck. I like how every cop in that movie just knows James Joyce. I'm like, oh, you guys just all read Joyce? That's all? Oh, yeah. So good. But yeah, you showed her the Irish. That's like starting with anal and then being like, look, I can eat you out. And she's like, no, I've already seen it. I'm good. I got it. You can't start with that shit.

Yeah. Yeah. We appreciate. I'm with you. And it's a, yeah, no, no, no. That's a, it's a tough pitch now. If you're, if you haven't proven it a million and then even if you have proven it, people are like, well, they would, they just want what's the guaranteed box office success. But like so many of my Scorsese picks are not the, I love after hours so much. I love the King of, I mean,

look how inspired joker is by king of comedy like you can retell something without retelling it exactly that's that's kind of the point i'm making and it's almost like feels like they're making people retell the exact thing and it's like well that's just the same thing we just change it just a fucking little man i know that's why i hate these fucking execs these execs drive me crazy because obviously they're trying to keep their jobs they're trying to make money and it feels like they're

They're scared. They're scared. Studios and the networks, it's all morphing right now. We're in like a transitional period and they know it and they just want to make that quick buck. And then they lie to you. I mean, we've seen it as comedians where they go, oh, I love Pryor. I love Carlin. You're like, Carlin would be struggling right now. He'd have a podcast. He'd have a TikTok. He'd have all this shit. It'd be a nightmare.

- Yeah, Netflix would be like, "We have white comics already, George. Sorry, sorry. We know you're really funny, but we have, yeah." I mean, it's hilarious. - Exactly. - It's so transparent and the fear is so obvious. - I know, and then they're such hypocrites 'cause they act like, "Oh, we need diversity." And you're like, "All right, I'm all for diversity, but I'm looking at the boardroom and it's 17 white guys and one Asian lady. Like, where's the diversity here?" - Exactly. - "You guys get diverse and then yell at me. What the fuck?"

I know. We need diversity. It's like, all right, white guy named George. All right. Very diverse. Yeah. Thanks, Ted. I got it. Now you're going to get back in your Ferrari and go to your gated community that's all white. And it's like, look, I'm all for diversity, but what do you want from me? I have a Hispanic and an Asian maid. Okay. Why don't you back off? No, it's so obvious. But yeah, I mean, the problem is they only see... The truth of it is...

they see dollar signs and they, and they're like, how can we make money right now? And then sometimes the shit you don't expect is the one that's going to pop. Like I was reading that Jordan Peele wrote, get out as like a fucking gas. He's like, this makes me laugh. I'm going to write it. He didn't write it thinking he was going to sell it. So sometimes you sell, like, I think maybe that was because it was like five or six years ago, or maybe that's because like, I mean, I think about that, like a horror movie that's racial, like, like that's a fucking hard sell. I think.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, definitely. But I think the country was it wanted it so bad. It was that was a huge hit. It's such that's one of the best movies the last 20 years, I think. Yeah, that was timing, too. That was all timing. Yeah, that was perfect. They also changed the ending. They changed the ending because it was going to be darker originally and people wanted a more uplifting ending. And by uplifting, I mean his white girlfriend,

stab to death in the street or whatever. Where do you go with, what's the darker one? Well, the darker one is that as he's killing her, the cops show up and arrest him. And Rel shows up in prison and is like, what the fuck happened? So the darker ending is like,

everyone dies and he goes to prison right which like yeah like i'm glad that's not the fucking ending i wouldn't want to re-watch it as much like you are you are looking forward to him killing all those motherfuckers that's a good point yeah that that's that's a good way to end it because at least there's some some relief at the end but you bring up the the the police and the black and i had i thought i had a good point here

People keep doing like the Santa Claus is black. And I thought he can't be black because he would have been killed by now. I mean, he's in a house. A cop would have shot him. It wouldn't work. He'd at least be arrested. Wait, did this get met with resistance by someone? But I'm saying I'm with Jordan Peele here. This could be a great Jordan Peele Christmas movie. Oh, yeah. Black Santa wouldn't work because the first house he would get popped.

That was, that was my big, another gig that Tim Allen loses. Yeah, exactly. And he would, he'd be late. All right. I tweeted this and like all these black guys like, hell yeah, that's too true. Funny, but too true. It was, it was a nice moment, but yeah, yeah, that's funny. That's a good angle. Uh,

yeah that's there's something there for sure that is something about i'll give you my rec too as well i'll give you this guy uh paul nepper wrote an amazing book i want to shout him out on our thing it's called the nicks and uh of the 90s it's incredible so good i wrecked it to biggest nick fan i know is uh jerry ferrara yeah oh wow so i had him send one to him too he fucking he tweeted he was like this is one of the best things i've ever read too it's

you can't get bigger praise from knicks fans than me and him because we're the most fucking diehard there's this one story that they do these 90s knicks were like so anthony mason was like one of the enforcers on the team and he would always say like we're either gonna win the fight or we're gonna win the game like we're gonna win one they were so tough yeah pat riley was like our cool ass coach like slicked hair armani like decked out well dressed and uh

He was intense. Like he was, he was like, you better fucking fight. You better give it all. And they never won, but they were just the coolest fucking this close team. They went through Jordan. You can't, Jordan's going to make it hell. So after a game, like he was all about trusting teammates. And this one story I just loved is like, he, they got blown out and he was so angry and he's in the locker room.

And he takes his head and just in his nice-ass suit just dunks his head under ice water in this ice bucket, and he won't take it out. And they're like, is he killing himself? What the fuck is he doing? Finally, someone just grabs him and pulls him out, eyes bulging, snot like everywhere. And he goes, that's what the fuck trust is. I was going to wait till one of you helped me. And I was just like, holy shit.

How great is that? Stories like that. So, Knicks of the 90s. It's on Amazon. It's worth the read. If you love not just basketball, but just great stories. It took me back to being a child and loving this team more than anything. Wow. Where's that 30 for 30? They have a couple. They did one, Reggie Miller versus the Knicks, but it's a bummer because Spike Lee is funny as hell in it, but it's like...

It's a bummer because we just, it ends on the Knicks losing. So that bums me out. And then Michael Rappaport directed When the Garden Was Eden. Sorry. Great title. Yeah, it's based on a book by Harvey Ayrton, who's a New York Times writer, who's fucking great. So the book is a little better than the movie. But the movie is, it's solid. It's just, the movie is...

you can't recreate some of the shit that's in the book. It's like, so, I mean, having a mixed race team in the sixties, seventies in New York is fucking symbolic when they're the most, you know, chemistry wise, the best team. So that's kind of like, that's kind of heavy. So it's hard to capture that shit. And, and also Dave DeBuscher's dad. So you're missing like one of the big guys, but anyway, that's my rec. I loved it. That's,

That's great. So wait a minute. Wait, I mean, forgive me here because I'm from New Orleans. We have the Saints and they're notoriously bad, but then they won the Super Bowl and that was an amazing game. 2010. And that was after Katrina. So the city, the city rallied behind, you know, Drew Brees and all those cool players you had. I mean, that was a cool team, man. Yeah, we needed that. And but my question is, were the Knicks ever...

Because all I hear about it, the Knicks is like a punchline. I saw the clip from the movie Soul. I saw that going on. Yes. They shit on them. But when were they good? When were they bad? Have they ever been great? What's the word there? They won in 69-70, and they won again in 72-73, and they haven't won since then. Those are the two times they won.

The play-by-play guy for the Knicks, the commentator, Walt Frazier, was on the team when they won. He was the star. He was awesome. He's fucking hilarious. He's still the best. But yeah, I mean, it's been a while. The 90s, they were very competitive. They always came like very close. They lost in the finals twice, so they were close. But yeah, dude, my first memory of basketball was losing to Houston. And I was just like, I was like, oh, clearly we'll win if we're this close. We lost by one game. Yeah.

So it was like, set me up. I'm like, I was spoiled with this team of characters and cool guys and they just, they never figured it out. So it's brutal. But yeah, you know. It sucks that New York is like the city, you know, it's the jewel of America, whatever, biggest city in the world, New York, New York minute, never sleeps. And then LA is,

Kind of sucks. They're not, they're no New York. Let's be honest. They got their moments. They got the beach and the sunset Boulevard and Hollywood, but they went in it. They went so much. So many. Yeah. It's tough. Like Boston is the most, but Boston won like a shitload of them in the fifties and sixties. So it feels like LA has the most because they had, they like throughout time, they had Chamberlain and Jerry West. I mean, you're not a hoops guy, but you know, these names. Yeah. Just from fucking, you know, who will Chamberlain is. Right. He's also the only guy to drop a hundred in a game. Wow.

the stilt, then they had Jack and Kobe. Well, and in between that was magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. So like, and then now it's LeBron and Anthony Davis. So like, they've never really had a long stretch of sucking. So, right. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, and New York is like you, every other block, there's a fucking court. Like it's such a, it's, it's in our, it's in our DNA here. So yeah, it's tough, but also like,

I'm okay with losing as long as you lose with character. Sure. It's just, we've been horrible for so long now, but like, if you lose like in the nineties, Nick's lose, it hurts, but you're like, Oh, at least we're fucking cool. At least I'll like rep this, this team, you know? Yeah. But then you got Brooklyn right over the, over the water there. They're doing great. They're going to be in the finals. I think they're so good. Is that weird? Is that bittersweet?

it's heartbreaking yeah because you're like you're right here it's just a different borough but it's still new york but you're good and we're not what the fuck well durant kevin durant and kairi irving are two of the best in the league and they chose the nets over us the rumor was that they wanted to come to the knicks but like one thing that it's like they just said the knicks aren't cool that's what durant said and then what yeah it hurt man and then also the knicks make all these dumb mistakes like our practice facilities in westchester who the fuck wants to go to westchester

Now we're going to jump on the Metro North just to practice. Exactly. Oh, I don't think they're, I think they got a car service, but who the fuck, like, you don't want to sit in a fucking car. That's a half hour or .5. I mean, more, yeah, and traffic. I don't, you don't want to, so it's like, also when you're sore, wouldn't you rather just be in Brooklyn? Like, I don't get why you can't just get a practice facility. So that, that sucks. And all these little things where you're like, yeah, I mean, I just, in my heart, I can't,

I can't my brother and I went to a game once and he was like, I'm going to be a Nets fan a few years ago. And I was like, all right, and I can't fight you. And then he showed up in a Knicks jersey to the game. And I was like, I fucking knew it. And he's like, yeah, I can't leave. So, you know, you relapsed. But but that's the thing. It's like, yeah, it's not cool, but let's make it fucking cool.

Also, I think it is cool, but let's make it cool. It's like, hey, look, we went on YouTube to do our specials. That was a loss in our eyes, but now I love YouTube. Now I'm like, fuck it, YouTube's the spot. Yeah, this is fun. And this is fun. What we're doing right here is fun. Yes, YouTube is. I love the eggnog. It looks fucking good, man. It's going down too easy. I got to slow down. Dude, that's the thing. These Manhattans, I'm going to have like five of them because they're so good. That's the problem. I know.

I know. Speaking of which, it's going to be weird. I'm in Tampa this weekend and Bobby Jewell's not going to be there. He sold it, right? Yeah. Can I tell my favorite Bobby Jewell story? Please, please. Bobby Jewell, for those listening who don't know, he ran this club called SideSplitters in Tampa. Just ridiculous guy. Like,

would just shit on you. Yeah, shows up in like a Charlie Sheen two and a half men shirt. But then he's like 58, half in the bag, got a fucking pinky ring, a hairpiece, shows up drunk in a Mercedes to pick you up from the hotel, blasting Jersey Boys. And you're just like, I mean, this is who this dude is. He's a New York guy, but he's like all Florida now. It's like the New York has left him. He's become Florida. So yeah. What's up, pussy? Yeah.

That's his greeting. Here we go. You fucking liberal, New York, fucking queer. That's what he would call me. And I'd be like, Hey Bobby, you fucking pussy. And his big one would go, he'd get too much just my face to go. I leave pieces of shit like you in the dirt. And I'm like, yeah, you can out drink me at 58. That's a bad sign. That's not good. Yeah. You smell like a strip club and you look like the owner. What is going on? He looks like hell. Dude. He's so, I remember they put me in the condo one year, uh,

And I was, I'd been that shitty little condo so many times, you know, coming up featuring there. And there was like a bigger room and I walked there and the guy who's opening for me, great guy, end up becoming buddies with him, but he's in the room and I'm like, it's my birthday. And I'm like, I'm depressed already. So I like go on morning radio, trashing him to Mike Kelta, who's like the big radio guy there. And Mike is like, wait,

He put you in a condo, not a hotel. And I was like, yeah, he's a cheap piece of shit. And I started trashing him and it's killing on air. And I get off, I get off radio and someone goes, there's a phone call for you. And I'm like, Oh, and Bobby it's Bobby. And he goes, well played the hotel awaits. He had someone drive me to a hotel.

You see, he's a decent human after all. He respected that I went at him on public, like instead, like he's like, that's how you do it. You trash me publicly. It's like an old school mentality. I love that. And I remember he said to me once, he goes, you know what? He's pissed drunk. He's smoking a cigarette. He goes, you know what I want to see? You, Joe List and Nick DiPaolo on a room tearing each other to shreds. I said, why would I, I like both of them. Why would we do that? And he goes,

He's like a fucking villain. He's just, wow. I love it. If he was in a movie, you'd go, you got to tone it down and you got to bring it, bring it back a dial or two. I had Dina Hashem open for me at one of the weekends there. And he cooked for us. He was like, let me cook you a steak and I'll cook you like a real dinner at my place. And we get there and I,

And you know, it's me, it's Bobby, it's Dina. He's in the car already, like, tell me like he had just had like a girlfriend who for the first time he's like, we're finally making it work. And I'm like, Oh, that's great. And then when he picks me up and this ride, he goes, we broke up. And I was like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Okay. And he goes, please.

I was about to leave her in the dust myself. There's never a vulnerable moment. So then he drives us to the place. He's got, he's got the model home. So it's like, nothing has changed. Like this is the way they show the house. He just kept it that way. So there's no heart to the home. It's just like, this is how it would look if you were showing the home.

Right. So cooking a steak, his feet, pouring us wine, baked potatoes, great size. He's a good cook. Wow. And then I was like, wow, what a lovely and Dino is like, I can't believe he's this kind. Like I'm kind of so then we're at the club later that night, you know, he said, I wonder if he'll show up. And I was like, oh, he'll show up.

he even the bartender says don't don't say his name three times he'll be here don't worry he shows up like a fucking sitcom character he just like he just walks in and like poses like he's like he's waiting for applause he's like

Right, right. And as he walks in, he goes, you fucking piece of shit. I was like, what? What did I do? And he goes, I fucking cooked you a steak. And I was like, yeah. You invited me. You invited me. What do you want me to say? And he's like, you fucking piece of shit. Just two inches from my face, breathing that fucking whiskey all over me. Yeah. One more quick one. So the weekend I'm there with Raul Sanchez, who's hilarious, who's a buddy of mine.

He's opening. He's so funny. He's doing bits about, you know, being a, like doing combat in Iraq. I mean, he's like a fucking, he's like seeing shit. He's got PTSD. He's open about it. And,

He's a Mexican guy. He's and Bobby keeps calling him Indian. He's fucking hammered. And he goes, he's hammered. He just, he's rigging. He goes, Hey Raul. His name's Raul, by the way. Hey Raul. I forgot him. That guy's great. He's a beast. Yeah. And his shit is like, I've never heard someone doing like hard punch military material like that. It's fucking impressive. Yeah. And Bobby goes, Hey Raul. He goes, Hey Raul. What tribe are you in?

And Raul goes, airborne infantry. How about you? And Bobby goes, well played. Oh, man. Yeah, he's a character. I mean, one time he pulled up and I had like a hot set. That's a club you can really kill in, I feel like. It's a hot club. Great club. And I walked out on the bar. I was like, give me a tequila, whatever. And Bobby walks in and he goes...

Hey, is it sold out? I go, ah, we were like a couple of tables short. He goes, you make me sick. Got it. Went back into his shitty bed, like a two bit skank and drove off into the sunset. You make me sick. He would do that. I remember I was like, Hey, let's do a promo video for the weekend. So I'm recording him. And he goes, he goes, Sam Morrell, best comic in our price range. Wow. That's pretty great. He's pretty funny. That's funny.

Oh, man.

Not to mention the more he gets shit-faced, drunk, drunk, and his wig, he's got a shitty toupee. And it's like over here by 1130. And he's like, give me another one, you fucking cunt. Oh, man. So classic. You piece of shit. It is hilarious that he sells the bar right before COVID hits. Like, of course he would dodge another fucking bullet. I know. I know. He's bulletproof, that guy.

But I don't think he's happy if it helps. I mean, he was a... I got to give him he's a funny dude. Like, he always was... He was... I mean, look how many fucking stories. I mean, that was the thing I was telling Dina. I was like, this is the last version of this. Yes. You got to enjoy this weekend. I mean, he's just so inappropriate. And he's...

Yeah. He's an eighties club owner. I mean, he's got stories about Kinison and like Jimmy Schubert and Bill Hicks and all that shit. All those like Ron Bennington, all those Florida guys. Oh, Bennington's a fucking beast. So funny. He could go on all day and hope he's doing well. I, I, you never know what that guy. Yeah. There was just so many incidents where he was just so fucking inappropriate. And, uh,

So damn funny, though. I mean, yeah. Shout out to B.T. and Leslie. Good people doing a great job at that great club. Yeah. Great staff. Great club. What's that? That bartender was from Brooklyn. I forgot his name. The Italian guy. What is it? Vinny. Vinny. Yes. Vinny was cool. He used to stay in New York. Yeah. He's got stories for days. Yeah. I mean, he's a great dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, shit, did we cover everything? You got a pet peeve? - I got a lot of pet peeves right now, man. - Give me a hot one. What's one that's really grinding your gears? - What's grinding my gears? Okay, so this is pissing me off. Like everything is fucking automated now. Everything is bad right now. I sound like a grandpa, but like, dude, anything that goes wrong, they're like, oh, we can't do anything. Like I'll give an example. I went to fucking Best Buy the other day. So you can buy shit online and then do store pickup, right?

So they're like, all right. Yeah. Bought. Then you go to the store and they're like, oh, it's not ready. I'm like, not ready. It's in the store. Send someone to go get it. Like, it's going to be at least 15 minutes. I'm like 15 minutes. Like, and of course it takes longer. And I'm like, I can find one in the store. Just get, I already paid for it. Just get, so you're just sitting there like an asshole. So I get, I get a new computer. Cause this shit's crashing, crashing all the time. And.

I get home and like, you know, little shit we need, like Microsoft Word we need, obviously, you know, I got a Mac. So it's like, you need to buy it. And like, so I buy it and they're like, oh yeah, it's not available right now. And I'm like, it said instant download. And then I'm, so you can't even get people on the phone. It's all on, it's all on the computer. So I'm talking to the guy on the computer and I'm like, hey, like what's going on? He goes, oh yeah, this happens all the time. And I go, why? That's a bad product. It's called instant download. Fucking give me the instant. So it's like,

I mean, Best Buy is really incredible. We're like same where they're like, all right, we have the best value. And I'm like, you have the worst service I've ever fucking seen in my life. Like, it's incredible. Like, and I get it. It's a pandemic. No one wants to do the fuck. Everything's a mess right now. But like, that's why I need some stability in my life. It is a pandemic. Just make a fucking app download. Can you can I just have one thing?

I tried to buy the NBA league pass. It just won't work. And they don't have, it's like a billion dollar, multi-billion dollar organization. They don't have a fucking customer service on the phone. So everyone I talk to online is like, Hey, Oh yeah, we don't, we don't know what's up. And I'm like, so fucking get a phone line. Yeah, exactly. But they don't want to answer the phone. Cause that's another guy they got to pay. It's a nightmare that,

They've actually figured out a pretty genius system where they just have an automated thing, and it just is so annoying that you go, I'm out, fuck it. I give up. Yeah, but then now you're going to your credit card company like, hey, fuck you, I'm not paying for this. Like, it's all going down to the credit card company now. Right, right. And then they go, well, he already paid, and then you got to cancel it, and that's kind of a pain in the ass. So you go, ah, shit, and then they just got your money. Yeah, it's all a fucking pain right now. That's my pet peeve. It's just generic, but like, just like...

The world is fucking on fire. Just let like, let's let basic shopping be decent. Like we've got the technology and, and, and computers are just taking human jobs. And guess what? They're doing a bad fucking job. Let's get a human. Let's get a human to do that job. I'm always the guy put zero press zero. Cause you just want the lady. Give me the lady. That's all you want. It's a nightmare. But I assume they deal with such lunatics and idiots that they,

That they have to do that automated menu just like weed out those people like, oh, you just forgot that you had to plug it in. All right. Push three and we'll help you do that. But yeah, it's still like, give me the fucking operator. Give me a human. What do you have for a peeve? I'm with you on that. I hate the automated. Hate it. I can even do stuff on automated with the bank and I just go to the bank. I'd rather just not. I go to the bank too. Yeah. I'd rather go to the bank.

Mine is with my gal. I don't know if your lady does this, but this hit me the other day in the shower. I said, I got to tell Samsonite this because it's such a fucking pain. It's always not good enough. Like...

We were on a trip. We went to Italy and we're in the Amalfi Coast. I remember that. I couldn't believe you did a vacation. You're like me where your fucking list always says we're married to the sea. Yes, exactly. Sea word. And it was the Amalfi Coast where I'm in a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I got flip flops on and we got a drink in our hand and we got sunglasses on. We're laying on a beach chair on the Atlantic or whatever ocean that is.

And I got a Peroni in my hand and she goes, where should we go next? What are you kidding me? We're here now. You got to live in the moment. You psycho. What are you doing? This is it. What do you mean next? Next? This is it. You know what it is? Cause women are planners, man. I hate to generalize, but they're planners. And it's like,

women respect a plan more than anything. It could be the most generic shit, but if you're just like, Hey, we're ordering Chinese food tonight. I got us. This is what we're eating. If you want to add anything, let me know. But like, if you, if they, if you show that you put any thought into anything, sometimes I get upset with that too. And then I realized, Oh, I have to be like, you don't have to fucking say, Hey, I'm not married to this, but maybe we go here next.

Right, right, right. I just you just feel so unappreciated. You're like, but what about this? I want you to be blowing me because of this trip right now. Look at the sunset. Look at these mountains. Look at these, you know, everything is great. How about we go to a Gratitude USA? You've never been.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Population one. Give me something. Yeah. I'm with you. I'm with you. Yeah. That that's a huge pet peeve and it turned out great, but you're right about the planning, the planning, the planning and get you laid like on a first date. If you go, I got, I got his reservations, but first we're gonna get drinks. Then I know a great ice cream spot. They're just like, ah, panty dropper, dildo, the whole thing. There should be a tech support for that. Ah,

This complaint, it's got to make it through like three robots before it fucking gets to me. Hey, that's a bit. Write it down. But here's the clinker. Here's the thing is... Oh shit, I lost my train here. Damn it. Oh, here's the thing is I hate planning. I hate... I like the guy who's like we're at a barbecue and he's like, I'll take the grill. I'm like, great. You grill. I don't want to grill and I don't want to plan either.

It sounds like you just don't want to do work either. Like the grilling is work. That is like, that's like an alpha thing. Yeah. But some guys are obsessed with the grilling. Like it's like, all right, you're just flipping a piece of meat. Let's not act like you're fucking, you know, you're not Mario Batali here. Yeah. Wolfgang puck over here. Yeah. You're turning it over at a certain time. No, I'm with you. But I think the grill guy is like, I don't want to talk to anybody. So I'll do the grill. Yes. It's also the alpha. That's the Tony Soprano role. The grill. Exactly. It's a status thing. I grilled the meats.

Cigar in mouth, cocktail in hand, spatula, the whole thing. But I don't want to be that guy. I'd rather hang out. I'd rather hang out too. I also think, like I'm with you with the... I think planning is...

I'm not a planner. I have bad ADD. I leave things. So I feel suffocated by plans. Same. Same. It was like, someone's like, let's hang out Wednesday. I'm just like, fuck, can we just like, I'm, I'm, I'm drowning. Right. Even if it's someone I want to see, I feel drowning. Yeah. Yeah. I totally get that. I mean, Michael Palisak has that great joke. He's like, ah, I'm really stressed out. I have a 6am flight in four months.

you know it's like it's so true it's so perfect but i love i love melanie's joke about uh when people say he goes i'm really lonely and his friends go well we should hang out and he's like that's not what i meant yeah relatable such a relatable relatable so good he's great but yeah it's it's it's so true that like i hate planning and women are turned on by but i'm like well can i just be turned on by stuff that you don't want to do that that i like oh i'm turned on by uh

you know, paying my car payment, you know, like, oh, so you got to do that now. I thought we were going to go back to anal. I'm turned on by anal. Is that fucking? The truth is we are turned on by shit they don't want to do. Yeah. Good point. Good point.

I guess it could be worse. The truth is we're all annoying. That's what it comes down to. We're annoying in different ways. And that's like, that's something we just have to fucking play ball. That's something we just say, all right, let's fucking plan. I mean, reservations were made for women.

Ah, good point. But here, but don't you, don't you worry about her? Like I go, I'm too almost, I don't want to say I'm too considerate, but I'm like worried. Like, okay, I'll make a reservation here. But in my mind, I'm like, does she even like Greek?

Now, what if I make a reservation and we get to this? And she's like, I hate Greek. I got to be honest with you. I appreciate the reservation, but I hate this shit. I'm like, fuck. I'll tell you this right now. I have an issue with people that write off any cuisine. I'm fucking I'm in on any cuisine. You take me anywhere. You take me Greek, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, Italian, Greek. I will find shit on the menu. I'm so annoyed with people who write off an entire genre. I don't care for that either. I find it to be genre the right word. Probably not.

cuisine genre type of cuisine ethnicity i don't know but yeah like you're writing off a whole group of people right i agree with you but you can't find something on a greek menu it's great food it's great food it's closed-minded is what it is it's almost bigoted in a weird way like you're you're being dumb by not allowing these new flavors into your face

I also like, I want to try new shit, even if I don't like it. And also like, I get, I get it. There are nights to play the hits, but there are nights to adventure, man. Like go on an adventure, have some fucking, have some grilled octopus, have some fucking kebabs, man. Live a little, have some grape leaves. Some, what have you, what do you call it? The, the fish egg, like kind of spread. They have the green caviar. No, it's not caviar. It's like that spread. I forgot the name. It's fan. Someone will write in the comments. I'm sure. Yeah. I mean, shit, Greek food rules, man.

I love, yeah, I love all that stuff. I love trying new food, but I have a friend who's a super picky eater and he always gets mad at me because I'm like, try this. It's so good. He's like, why do you care what I'm going through? And I'm like, well, if I get a water at the bar, you call me a homo. So like, what's the difference? I'm saying you might enjoy this. As a friend, I want you to enjoy something new, but he won't try it. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you like, but I do get annoyed when people...

Right off an entire group of like, you can't find any, I got, I get it. Like, Oh, Chinese is a little heavy. I'm like, well, they have vegetables. You can get a fucking veggie dish with the sauce and the, you know what I mean? Like you, I don't want them, but if you want that shit, I understand like, all right, if you're a fucking vegan, we won't go to a steakhouse, but if you're a vegan, you should be able to find something.

It's tough when people have weird dietary restrictions and that just makes your life hell. Exactly. Yeah. You pick this, this path down to shit, shitville. Why do I have to go down it? Like you should adapt to me. Yeah. I'm with you. I, I think, uh, you know, I don't know how people in like the fucking Midwest do like, I don't know, vegans and like the Midwest do it. No, my brother's a vegan in new Orleans, which it can't be easy, but you got a whole foods. You make it work.

You make it in New Orleans is a big city, but like, I mean, shit, the amount of temptation I'd want to gumbo. I'd want to. I know, but he grew up with it. It's fine. I think he gets it, but also he'll make some vegan gumbo and it'll be interesting and new. And, but I think a vegan restaurant in the Midwest is almost like a gay bar in the forties, you know, like they all go to that one and people make fun of it. It gets shit thrown through the window, but like, that's all they want.

Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, and also I get it like the health benefits. They're pro athletes who are vegan. They seem to be all right. Like, oh, that's it's tough for me. Yeah, I can't do it. I I've been a good vegan restaurant. So I'm not like I'm not like opposed to the idea of it. I just don't.

It's just very hard to do. It's too hard. I can't give up eggs. Eggs is maybe the biggest one for me. Well, here's where my brother's a cunt is, you know, I love the guy, but he does Thanksgiving at his house, which I'm like, let's just have it at mom's house. He's like, no, I want to do it. I want to cook. I want to have it. But it's vegan. So now Thanksgiving's ruined because he's a fucking asshole. What is he doing?

Does he do like a fake turkey or something? He'll do a turkey, like a half turkey, like a big turkey piece for us. But then the rest is like some kind of bread and then some kind of weird- Who wants vegan stuffing? Stuffing is the star of the show. Of course, of course. It's horrible. It doesn't work. If this is Goodfellas, stuffing is Joe Pesci. That's the fucking breakout dish.

You want a little sausage in that fucking... I can get down with veggie sausage. I like the Beyond Burger veggie sausage and stuff, but I like the taste. It's not like I'm doing it for a fucking...

thing yeah you do feel a little better after you eat it too you do but it's like hey this is our our one day to splurge like animals and give me the gravy i love the gravy i want to put gravy on everything but gravy needs a lot of animal fat and beef stock or whatever the fuck and it's all it's all ruined there's no excuse gravy indefensible looks like olive oil completely indefensible and and yeah i mean he should he should feel terrible about himself yes

What else? Do you have anything else you want to talk about? News story. Oh, shit, I had something. Hold on, hold on. What do you got on the news? You got any news? Yeah, there was a story about a Girl Scout rebuking Boy Scouts and escalating recruitment war. But I want to do a thing about how, like, my angle on this is, like, how Girl Scouts just have a better name.

You know what I mean? Like you think of Girl Scouts and you're like, oh, that still sounds good to me. Whereas Boy Scouts, I just think of pedophilia. Girl Scouts, I think of cookies. Boy Scouts, I think of like child molestation because there are no Boy Scout cookies. You know what I mean? Yeah, good point. Boy Scout cookies to me are like,

and maybe there were or something but like girl scouts are like here how if boy scout like because boy scouts i think like they raise money for the camping trips and i wouldn't want to support that i wouldn't be like all right so if i buy these samoas uh an old man will take you to the woods that's right that's where it's going right right that's that's hilarious that's one thought i had that was one headline i saw and another headline i saw was uh

This might not be anything either, but long COVID symptoms might include disgusting smells of fish. That's a new one.

That's a fucking horrible time to live in China. You're at the wet market already. Well, I just think like a doctor's like, you got to go somewhere that isn't a fish market. And he's like this hospital. He's like, now this hospital has a fish market in it. Everyone, everyone in China has got a fish market. Right. Right. That's so true. I've been to China. The whole place smells like fish. Like literally like the state Capitol, the museums, it's all fish. That's where it started. The fucking COVID thing.

Yeah. No, that's hilarious. That's got to be tough to be in China. Yeah. Or Chinatown. We've all been there. That place smells like fish on a good day. I was there recently. What's your story? By the way, Chinatown, I haven't been there. Is it doing okay? Does it look weird? I went down there to do a show. It was...

It was fine. It was, it was seemed all right. I mean, shit, you know, it's, it's the same as all New York, right? It's like, yeah, it's weird. Uh, it was, it was a few months ago. So there was indoor dining. I guess that's fucking shut this fucking situation, man. Jesus. Brutal, man. I hope we're at the beginning of the end with the vaccine and the whole thing, but 2021, maybe, I don't know, but it's, I think we're all pretty sick of it. Oh yeah.

What what's your story? So fun story. A happy ending. A man was about to commit suicide. Speaking of Chinatown. Happy Chinatown, Jake. So a man was about to commit suicide with a gun and to the temple and his dog knocked the gun out of his hand. And now he's like, glad he did it.

Wow. Oh, my God. That's crazy. My joke was, thank God he had a dog, not a cat, because the cat would have helped him load it. The cat would be like, hold on. Oh, that's not enough bullets there. I hate you. Any other animal, goldfish. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, exactly. Go ahead. I hope your head falls in the fucking tank and I'll eat it.

That's something for sure. There's a whole angle you don't go down with cats or whatever. Maybe the dog just didn't want him to die because he wanted to keep getting walked or who knows. Something that, how about any other, any just regular bits you're working on? Oh yeah. So I had a bit about, tell me if this is anything. It's a two-parter. So I dated this chick from the Bronx once. She was like this tough, tough Puerto Rican chick. And she always said she should have been a female UFC fighter.

But she was very vain. She was like obsessed with how she looked. And I was like, there's no way it could be a female UFC fighter because they put your age and weight on screen. You know, like that to me, getting punched in the face for a woman is way better than having your age. And those are the two things you're not supposed to ask a woman.

So like, like imagine if they did that for men, it'd be like, Oh, you want to be a fighter? Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm a toughest guy on the block. All right. Well, we got to put your dick size and bank account. I love it. I knew dick size was going to be one of them, but I still love it. Yeah. It's perfect. That's really funny. And then I had this, this other angle, like dick size and last porn site visitors. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Search history.

and then the tag was i think i'd be a pretty good corner man for a female fighter because i've been in enough fights with women where if she was losing the fight i would just yell calm down you know it like regenerates her re-energizes her female rocky yeah exactly then she would be up after that's fucking great female we can add a whole female rocky thing it's like it's so much easier

Yeah. That's a great, that's a great bit. That's hilarious. Is that too dark with the eight wage and eight age and weight on screen? No, I think the turn is great because it's, you make it about men. So I think like the setup, you don't know. I think bringing it back to men is where you make it really good. I like it a lot. All right. All right. Hit me. My angle is like, uh, you know, when you're a kid and you have that kid who like, he's like, like the little, uh,

Pleasures of life aren't enough. He's always like taking it up a notch. So you're like, you're in the movie theater and you're eating popcorn. He's like, throw some goobers on it. He's like, try this shit to another level, salty and sweet. And you're like, all right, all right. That was kind of interesting. And then you're like, you're like, oh, wow, it is. It is good. And you're like, well, I don't know where that kid is now, but I know it's an auto erotic asphyxiation, you know? Yeah.

That's like the salty and sweet of adulthood. He's like, this wasn't enough for me. I took it up a level. You know what I mean? That's so true. Cause that is what life is. Just like, I need more now. I need more now. I need more now. Oh, I'm drinking in the shower. Showers aren't enough for me anymore. I'm having a fucking, I'm having a shower cocktail these days. Right. Right. It's, it's always like when those some, but sometimes you need to cut it off. Like,

Like, you know, you always hear about like in high school, like, dude, get a girl to blow you with ice in her mouth. They're like, what? I think the BJ was good. We're good. Yeah. A tongue ring. And you're like, we fucking we did. All right. We got that. We're good. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like at some point you got to cut it off. And auto is erotic. Affixiation is the cutoff because that just kills you every time. Like that's how Kung Fu guy went.

David Carradine. I just just rewatched Kill Bill. So good. That's funny. That's so true. It starts young. It starts young. Yeah. I had an add on to about like child. I don't know if you did this as a kid, but like how as a kid, you like jerk off in groups.

Oh yeah, sure. It's like so weird how horny we were, but like I had a whole thing I added on about how like we would just like be like, all right, everyone get in the corner and you just put a pillow over your dick and jack off and you hand a bottle of lotion around like it's whiskey in the war, you know? And then I did a whole thing about like how, uh,

I had one, there's always the one guy who comes too quickly and then he's just kind of got it. The dad's in the next room. So he's got to sit there and he's like, all right guys, come on. He's always like, it's kid Jesse was the first one in our group. And he'd be like, all right, I'm out. Like it was cards, you know, he's like, I'm out.

And so that, yeah, it kind of hit. And then I did a whole thing about like one of my friends from our original jerk off group died. So I was like grateful I didn't have to speak at his funeral, you know, because like that would I don't know if I would have been able to resist as a comic. Like Harry always loved the left quadrant. That was his. That's great. He went the quickest again. There we go. Yeah.

Oh, man, the jerk-off in groups, it's nice to hear because I've brought that up to a few guys who are like, what the fuck? That's crazy. Not everyone does it, but it is a thing. Yeah. It's a horny kid thing. I mean, you're a horny kid, and you're like, this is what we do. It's actually quite vulnerable because you're like, I do this. You do this, too. Let's do it together, even though we'll keep our distance, like COVID. Like, look, we want to be together, but we'll keep our distance. Six feet. Six feet.

But yeah, like a lot of people were not into that. Yeah. I dared my friend to taste it once and that didn't go well. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, that's fucking... But you tried to push it to another level. You took it a little further. It didn't work out, but you took the chance. Hey, man. That's how chocolate milk started. Milk is good. We need more. You put the spoon of sugar on the Cheerios. You're right. Let's just keep amping it up. We get a seasoned assist from chocolate milk next episode. That is not how chocolate milk started. It was not a guy asking his friend to taste his cum. That is...

This is from a you who, and this is not true. Exactly. Oh man. Nestle's quick. That's what you call a friend. All right. We brought it all around. What, what else do you guys, should we wrap this up? Anything else going on? No, no. I mean, we're about to hit the new year.

We should all get lunch or something. I mean, Salah. Grab lunch some point. That was so fun when you, me and Sean hit up Sarge's deli. That was like one of my best days of quarantine for sure. That was great. Great hang. So good. But yeah, I'm doing a thing you're doing Tampa this weekend. So get tickets for that. I guess if you're watching this, but I'm doing, I'm doing one of those nowhere comedy zoom shows. I'm just working out. I've got bare bones.

material here, but just trying to figure some shit out before I start doing shows again. What is that? I keep seeing that. Is that just a Zoom club kind of thing? It's Zoom, but they do a good job, and it's just, you know, you can get like 300 people or so in there, but then you get, you know, they only, they mute everyone but like 20 people, so you just hear the laughs, you work it out. For me, it's like good to get my timing for new bits before I take it out to real shows, and I'm going to start doing roofs again. I like doing the roofs. Yes, hopefully they get some fucking heaters up there, and

We'll make it work. We'll see, man. But this is so fun, man, doing this show. We got to get on a label or something. I know. We need to make the audio available on Spotify and iTunes and all that. But I don't know where the fuck to begin with doing that shit. Well, someone hit us up, and we'll figure it out. But keep listening, keep telling friends, and thanks for watching. Yes, comedy.