Ep 206: Ari & Adrianne
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. No Winnie, but we got another bitch. All right. We got Adrienne Iappolucci, one of our faves. And she's got a new special on Netflix. Yes. What's the name? The Dark Queen. Hey, I like that. I let Ari name it. He always called you that. He always called me that, yeah. So it kind of just stuck. I was like, you're laying out all this money, so I'll let you name it. Did he pay for all of it? He laid it all out. Wow. And then he was like,

I was like, I hope we sell this. Otherwise, I'm going to owe you a lot of money. No wonder he's doing pop-up shows for Yankees tickets. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Good for him. But it paid off. You bet on yourself and it worked. I mean, I'm like Pete Rose. That's true.

So you sold it. I mean, can we talk about the odds? Ari's ugly. You're a nobody. Louie's producing. These are a lot of strikes against you. Louie directed. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's just it should have been no all across the board.

But you pushed through and you won. I was actually shocked. We all were. I mean, I'm happy for you. I was very shocked, yeah. You deserve it, though. You have great jokes. There's a joke here I've quoted on the pod numerous times, but I'll say it again. The one where your ex-boyfriend threatened to kill himself. Right now, I can't kill myself. Are people going to think we're kidding?

Oh yeah, that's a good one. I like that joke. I love just like a perfect short. Yeah, no fat. I love it. That, the Ted Bundy joke I love. Oh, I love the shooter. That was a big one. Oh, that's on it. Ash Wednesday. That's on it. Ari wants me to put it on there.

And I was like, I didn't want to do it because it's from my album. And he was like, please. And I was like, all right, you are paying for this. So I put it on there. Yeah. And it did do great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, correct me if I'm wrong. That was cut from your Netflix half hour. That was cut from my Netflix. They asked you not to do it. They told me that joke had to get cut out. Look at that. I was like, can I fight for it? They were like, well, I asked my manager. I was like, can I fight for it? She was like, no. Damn.

Damn. Sometimes it's nice when a joke gets cut, though, because you get it back. I got it back. It's true. And now it lives here. That happened with my Amazon. They asked me not to use one, and I was like, I get to open with it now. Yeah, good point. My opener's like, you want to hear when they cut? And it gets like a bigger pop, I feel like. They made me cut the first six minutes, though. Jesus. First six? The first six minutes got cut. That's hilarious that your most offensive shit is what you opened with.

No, that's not the most offensive stuff. That is the stuff that is the nicest and sets the tone. Because I was like, this might go on YouTube. And they were like, we want to get to people being upset quicker. They didn't say that specifically, but they're like, we just know the algorithm and people will check out. So they're like, cut the first six minutes. So the first choke is pretty tough. It was too soft for them. So they're like, get rid of it? I think they're just like, you're nobody. And if you're nobody and you're doing these jokes that kind of aren't like...

I guess, I don't know, whatever they say, whatever they think. Yeah. Because it's like the first joke is about shelter dogs. And then I go right into the Middle East. So they're like, we want to get to that right away. And I was like, all right. Well, this is a good comedy lesson. I feel like your half hour, you were just Adrian. This one, you're like, I'm the dark queen. So they want the dark shit. Maybe, but I feel like that was also dark.

But I've seen her work clean. I mean, you did a Letterman set back in the day. Oh, yeah. I did, yeah. That's right. I'm not really dirty. It's just dark. Right. Like, I always get lumped in with dirty comics, and I'm not super dirty. Yeah, because the half hour you did was the Dirty Show, right? Well, it was only, like, 17 minutes. That was just the Degenerates. But that was, like, their version of the Dirty Show. Sure, but, like, also they already... Oh, I always think it's funny that...

They cut that joke from the degenerates. I know. Like it was too degenerate for them. Exactly. Hilarious. Oh, here you are. Oh, my God. What year are you? Let's not play this. Oh, 13. You can't do this joke on Netflix. Next up, Ted Bundy murders people. I know, right? That's their algorithm. Yeah, let's see. Can we see a clip? Oh, what are we doing this for? We're fans. The public wants to see it. We want to let them get to know you.

We're off on sound, but this is a great set. I remember the police or the fireman joke. The female cop joke. Female cop. That was a good one. And the chapstick. The chapstick joke. Yes.

What was the female cop joke again? It's basically like, can you do... This is like torture. This is like... No, I don't care. It's fine. I wouldn't want to watch me either. Something about like two cops. It's like, I'll just do this myself. Oh, yes. Two female cops show up. You're like, now we're all going to get robbed. Great. Yes. My lady loves that joke. And that's when I was like, she might be a caper.

She gets it. Was Dave cool? He was very cool. He was very nice. Yeah. It's a good distinction between dark and dirty because I did a show somewhere at a youth group or something, and this young black kid was like, I have a show in Harlem. It's at my church group. You got to be clean. I said, no problem. And I went up there and I said, so my gay roommate, and he's in the back going-

And I didn't know they don't fuck with that. Right. They don't fuck with just mentioning a gay guy? No, they're like, don't be gay. In church, no. You can't be gay. That's hilarious. And this is Harlem in 2012 or something. Right, but that's not even, you're like, I'm not saying anything dirty. But it was just the gay mention was out. I mean, there's a couple of jokes in there where I'm saying some dirty stuff. But yeah, overall, people just assume if you're dark, you're a dirty comic. I'm always lumped in with that. Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen you, like, when it goes south, and it's kind of funny to watch. Oh, for sure. Because the types of jokes you do aren't just... Like, you're not just bombing, but they're, like, mad at you. Yeah, they're always mad. Yes, that's true. It's not like they just aren't into it. They're upset, which also I feel like...

It gives me so much power, like when somebody gets up and leaves a show where it's like, you came here and now I'm making you so upset where you can't even stay. Right. So anytime somebody leaves, I feel like it's a compliment. Damn. I don't even take it as offensive. I'm like, you are giving me so much power right now. You do the same in your personal life. You're like, I'm fucking awesome. I'm great. I'm killing it right now. Give it to me straight. 98% women? Yeah.

Who'd get mad? Oh, yeah. I don't know if any men have ever gotten mad. Yeah. I don't think that is. I don't know. I think it's a female nurturing weird thing. Like, this is over the line. This is inappropriate. Whereas men are like, hey, this is fun. This is inappropriate. What was the joke that usually does it? Is there one? I don't know. It depends where I'm at. I remember I was just talking about this with Jared. Like, I was in the South.

in Dallas and like I walked like 20 cowboys on a military joke. Whoa. And they stayed like my whole set. It was like 90% done and then that was their thing where they were like, I'm out. It is weird because it's like if someone's telling dark jokes, one thing's going to hit you.

I know, but they stayed for so long. No, that's my point. It's weird to have a line when you're like, okay, laughing at everything else. I think what I was saying particularly was right and they were mad that it was right. Do you remember what it was? It's in the special. It's something about how we don't really care about people in the military. Oh. And they were mad. There was two military guys, one here and one here, and this guy got mad and this one was like, you're right. Oh.

I don't remember the jokes. It's a while ago, but something like that, how we don't actually give a shit about them. I think that's that helps them. That's like raising awareness. I know. But like, I guess these people like, no, we do. It's like I've dated a lot of guys in the military. They're like a hot mess. Oh, for sure. It's like, just keep them there. If you take them, they belong there now. This joke is personal to you. Right? Sure. Yeah. I mean, I remember Bill Hicks had that joke where he's like, I'm in the weird position where I'm for the war, but against the troops.

That's a great joke. It's very funny. Damn. Well, you know what it's kind of like? It's kind of like jail. You know, these guys will murder everybody. They'll kill their wives. They'll beat the shit out of women. But if you fuck a kid, they're like, whoa, we're going to kill you now.

But like you guys are all hardened criminals. You're murderers. But that's their line. That's their line. Yeah. There's a line. There's always a line. I mean, I'm sure you've heard my story. I did a show in Kentucky. A lady came up to me. She's like, you got to stop saying retard. I have a retarded niece or whatever. And I was like, well, what do you think of the Holocaust joke? She goes, those were great. Right. So it's just their thing. Everyone has their thing. Yeah.

By the way, retards didn't do great in the Holocaust either. That's true. Good point. By the way, they rounded up a couple black and gay as well, but they don't get any... They need a publicist. They don't get enough love. Yeah. Because it was... What is it? You kill one guy, it's a murder. You kill a bunch, it's a statistic.

Is that it? I don't know. All right. Yeah, it is weird when people just have that line. I've listened before, but then sometimes it's their thing. Jews will do it to me. What you said is anti-Semitic. I'm like, no, it's not. Yeah. But if you feel that way. Yeah, there's no way. That's your opinion. That's the thing. It's your opinion. I mean, I've had people. I've walked somebody on a Ukraine joke. This is back when people cared about that. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep changing. I know, right? But like, yeah, it depends what their line is and what their thing is. Death of one man is a tragedy. Joe Stahl, that's my hero. We need more Stalin jokes on the pod. He's my background. He's my phone background. Okay, I have a joke about how, you ever see how hot Stalin was when he was younger? Yes. Let's pull it up. So hot. Stalin was pretty sexy. A lot of young, powerful people, they look good. Yeah, kids are hot. Wait, what? I mean, oh yeah, look at that. Hot.

Hotty. Jake Gyllenhaal? Holy shit. I know. Oh, yeah. Good looking guy. That's great. That's great. Post Malone-dom. That's a good time. Yeah, young people are attractive. Not all, though. That's true. Haley Joel Osment.

Some kids peak. Yeah. Some kids, like the Rizzler. I think this is as good as it's going to get. Oh, 100%. But he's a fat kid. What can he do, though? This? Yeah. So, like, after that now. I guess porn.

He's going to be a Comic-Con at 30. He's going to be 500 pounds. And he's just like, mm. And they're like, eh, it doesn't really do it anymore. Haley Joel Osment got uglier. And I hate to say it, Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning was a cute kid. And she grew up. And you're like, oh, she's going to be hot, I bet. She's OK. She's OK.

It is weird, though, to say she's going to be hot. I bet it is. The feeling of the scouting feeling. Yeah, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. But we all think it. Yeah. What about the kid from Jerry Maguire? Was there a cuter fucking kid on the planet than that son of a bitch with the glasses and the spiky hair? He went the other way, though. He got like prison ripped.

Did he? I think so. Wait, I want to see. Look how cute that is. He's cute there, yeah. Oh my God. There's also something really cute about a kid with glasses. Yes. Look at him now, though. Look in the corner, in the right. Oh, no.

Disgusting. That's a bummer. Too many people pinched his cheeks as a kid and he was like, fuck you, never again. Yeah, I guess so. He also didn't grow much. He's almost the same height. That's disgusting. I think that's more of what it is. I'm short. I got to be buff. Yeah, because I'm tiny. It's like when guys go bald and they grow a beard, they're like, I got to have some control. Five nine. Five nine is not, that's not five nine. All right. Yeah, that's true. Every guy bumps up. A couple inches.

I'm 5'9". I tell everybody I'm 5'10". Are you 5'9"? Yeah, you can put the shoes on. It's 5'10". Right. What are you, 5'6"? 5'6", 5'7". Yeah, okay. How tall are you, Sam? I say 6'3", but... Everybody bumps. 6'2 1⁄2". I go up with an inch with a dick, too. You round up to half. With a dick, I go 3 inches. You round up 3 inches? Yeah, I gotta go up a little. 3 inches is insane, though. That was the joke. We're both 2'9".

So we say three. Yeah. I'd be insane if you had a three inch dick. That would be a bummer. But they say, pull this up. Now I sound like the small dick guy, but they say. Now I love this. A woman only feels two inches in or something.

I mean, sure. I feel a tampon when it's in. It's not great. Oh, yeah. That's definitely a small dick scientist. Yeah. He's like, the rest is bullshit, guys. Sorry. You don't really need it. It's extra. Right. He's just like mocking them there in the gym. He's like, look at that big, useless dick. He just grabs. There's nothing. Four inches.

Average depth. But how does that work if there's a big old dong going in there that's eight inches? It just, the whole thing doesn't go in. Is that right? Mm-hmm. But then women say they like a big dong, but if it doesn't go all the way in, what's the point? I think everyone is not the same inside. I think you're right. You've been with a couple of...

BLMs? Black Lives Matter. Yeah. There's definitely a difference there. I mean, would you get that whole thing in? No, for sure not. Oh, wow. Okay. That's the end. You hit the end. Damn. You're going to have to pull back.

It just says you got a U-turn. It's like a cul-de-sac. That's just, yeah, we got to back up. No good. We got to reverse it there. The soreness? Beep, beep, beep. Yeah, I mean, it'll be like you just worked out. Damn. The day after, you're like, I can't really walk. Oh, my lady's doing cartwheels after we've walked.

I'd rather that. Weird that gay dudes take cocks and work out all the time. Oh, yeah. They might be in a pain. I think you build up your... No, I think you have to build it up. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think you build up a tolerance to it. To big dong. Yeah. To big dongs. I see. Oh, wow. Because the first one's got to be tough. The first... I mean, I guess if you keep doing it over and over, it gets easier, I think. A butt's got to hurt way more than a vagina, though. I mean, that's not even happening. No. That's true.

Yeah, call in if you're gay. I'd like to hear from your ass. Should we FaceTime Mateo again? No. He's our go-to. He's your go-to gay. Gay correspondent. He's my neighbor. I went downstairs yesterday. He's like, come over. I got a new coffee. I got sent a $900 coffee machine for free. So he's making me a nice latte. He's doing the art. He's showing off. Wow. He hands it to me. And then a woman just comes in and starts doing his makeup. He's going to some gala. Wow.

And she's just doing this makeup while we're hanging out. I was like, man, we're different dudes. Yeah, yeah. We get along well, but it's very different. Yeah. He's living. Good for him. He's like sashaying around town. Speaking of bummers. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Came here straight from the game. You're doing the Yankee. I've been homeless since they lost. I've been just going out looking at how they should have played better at second base. Are you going tonight, too? Yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah, we added a show to pay for tickets. Wow. Me, Ken, and Ren and ZZ were like, well, we can't afford this. They're going to lose. Yeah, I know. So why are you going? Because we added a show to pay for it. And the show is in like a month.

Yeah, the show's November 11th. It doesn't matter. Yesterday. Is it Otani? Do we blame Otani? No, they're way better. Dodgers are way better. I don't know. I'm so glad I didn't get in on this. I love you, and I felt bad having to not get in on this, but like, I just... God, we sucked. The Dodgers are really good. The Dodgers are good, and the Yankees just fucking suck! Yeah. Yeah. Judges suck. How did they get so far, though, by sucking? They didn't suck.

They play some bad teams, and they're good. They just aren't as good as the Dodgers. Yeah. Worst record for a- Judge is fucking choking. The judge is hitting 140. Ah. That's- Well, you lost the Yankees, but you got a special. That's right. We did get a special. The Adrian Apalooch is darkling. Hey. This is the best thing that happened to the Bronx. I don't know about that. There'll be no parade in November. She's a Bronx bomber. That's true. I bomb all over town. Well.

What are you guys drinking? Oh, we're waiting for you. Okay, thank you. I appreciate it. He needs a drink after that run. Were you drunk at the game last night? Yeah, I was a little tuned up. Plus, some guy in front of us was on the show. Cannon saw him on the show, The Boys. He was the fast one. You know, the fast black one. Yes. He set the table. The guy started the show. He killed the person. Oh, that's right. That's right. Anyway, that's why I know tickets are too expensive if that guy is sitting directly in front of us and we're in the 300s. Wow.

Yeah, but he left a beer there. He got up to leave in the eighth. Did you get it? Yeah, me and Renesies' kid. Renesies' kid's like, I don't think that's open. And I was like, pull a real Norman. We see eye to eye on that. And I tapped it. Unopened is not. Unopened. Oh, yeah. That's a $14 beer or whatever. It's $16.50. It was cracked. This guy was at

Sitting directly in front of us. That is him. Can't get it all the way in. So hot. When you see these people behind home plate, though, and they're not, and they're on their phone, you're just like, oh, he's like a 25- I know. I know. Fucking suck. At the Dodger games, that's all it is. Yeah. I just want to be there. Yeah. I went to the Super Bowl and the Phoenix one, and it was a million guys just doing this the whole time. And you want to go, what are you doing? The worst is the hot girl doing this. I'm at the Dodger game. You're like, you're not even-

watching. We saw, I was with, it might have been with Dave Smith, somebody, but we were at a Jets game, one of those publicist tickets, so it was like front row, father and son next to us, having a great time. Early third, two ladies come in and it's their seat.

But no understanding of like, oh, here's a dad with his kid. They're like, you got to move. That's our seat. And he's like, all right, all right, I'm getting up. And they're like, now? And he was like, they sat for seven minutes and then went back to the fucking buffet. Damn. Yeah, but then they got to move back. No, they were gone. Oh.

You gotta make a decision when someone comes when you're in their seat. How do you play it? Get the hell out. But do you say sorry or do you go, yeah, I was just trying to sit here for a while or do you go, oh my, oh, is this not my section at all? I think you play dumb. Yeah, you gotta go dumb. I would just be like, no one was here. How stupid can you be that you're like, the best seats I thought were mine? Oh shit. Holy shit, this says bleachers? I thought it was, wow, okay. I guess I'm not behind the plate. I guess I'm not behind the plate. How did I miss that up? Oh, I thought because my teeth were bleached years ago. Yeah,

What do you want, Ari? We have anything. Well, let's make something with an olive. Oh, we got a ton of olives. Your bartender wrote me from Cambodia, from the wild. The beer Jew? The beer Jew, yeah. Can you bring it over? I'll do the martinis in a shaker if you want. You're going to do a martini? Yeah. Let's do a martini for a World Series run. Vodka. You don't drink, right? Vodka. All right.

No, I'll watch you guys drink. Okay. Some would say, is it really a martini with vodka instead of gin? Who would say that? I've heard people say that. What? It's done both ways. It is. It is. I prefer... I'm actually good either way, but I'm good with vodka. Yeah, you prefer, but to say it's not real, that's like saying don't put salt on a meal at a restaurant. That's good shit. Yeah. Belvedere. That is good shit. You have the shaker? I'll shake it up. Do you have vermouth? You got to get Mr. Belvedere on this show. We didn't try. That's not vermouth. That's aloes juice.

Oh, nice. In your face, Sam. Right in your fucking face. You thought that was vermouth and you have a drinking show. I was making sure it wasn't sweet vermouth. There's a color. Common mistake. That's a good move right there. There you go. I don't know what any of this means. So when's the special dropping, by the way? November 12th. November 12th. Hell yeah. Yeah, pretty fucking excited about it. Louis directed it.

How did that come together with Louis coming on board? We were in a hotel. He was going to just do my special. He was going to put it behind a paywall at first. Oh, that's... Kind of like Bobby's and then... We had to talk him out of that. Yeah, smart. Like, nobody's going to see that. I was just like, I need people. And Bobby was trying to convince me to do it, though. He's like, people are going to see it. I'm like, they're not going to buy it. Nobody knows who I am. Right. Yeah. They didn't buy his.

I'm sure more will buy it bought his than they would buy mine. Maybe. He's got a bit of a following. But are you excited for the backlash? The backlash. You're going to get a ton of women going, hey. There's definitely some feminists who just go, how dare you, Louis? How dare Netflix work with Louis? They're going to leave out the fact that he's actually in the process of helping a female comedian. No one cares about that. No one cares. I'm not the right female comic to help. That's why. That is true. Good point. I'm not the right female to help.

There's only certain women that feminists like. You're the Tim Dillon gay of female comics. Yes! Same body. Same body. But yeah, no, you're right. That's a good point. They want to help certain women and not all. They want to help certain women. I'm not the right one. It's like if they go, we need women of color. You go, how about that Candace Owens? They go, well, crazy. You're like, well, you said women of color. Yeah, Milo. Yeah, there's only certain ones. Milo. You got to get Milo in here to eat Funyuns while you guys drink.

Yeah. Can I get some ice too? Oh, you're the fun one. But I'm excited for the backlash. It's going to be swift. Some of these jokes too are so dark. The school shooting joke alone. They cut that out of Netflix before and I made her do it. Yeah, good for you. They were like, nah, they won't cut it again. I'm like, let's just do it for a promo clip. It's too good. And the odds are in your favor of a school shooting happening around then. Yeah. So that could be topical. Now that COVID's over, we're back to school shooting. I accidentally posted a school shooter joke on the anniversary of Sandy Hook.

And someone was like, what the fuck? I'm like, well, there's one every day. I know. I did a school show joke like very soon after Sandy Hook by Sandy Hook. And I was like, I didn't fucking know how close we are. It was like a month or two after. A month or two? Yeah, that's tough. That's touchy. I didn't realize where we were. According to Alex Jones, it's all made up.

Yeah. He might not be broke. Yeah, that worked out really well for him. He owes a billion. How do you owe a billion dollars? You're like LeBron would be like, I'm broke now. What does he have to do? Does he have to work at like Target? Yeah, he's working slowly where they're going to garnish his wages at Target. He's washing dishes. Can you imagine Alex Jones as a greeter at Walmart? I would love that. You get out of there. The prices are ridiculous. They actually might be up to something. They're dropping like crazy.

I was at UFC with Alex Jones and Joey Diaz a long time ago, 10, 15 years ago. And Joey Diaz hands him a cookie, a baked cookie. Oh, boy. And he goes, here, here's this for you. And he goes, Alex Jones goes, what's in here? And Joey goes, eat the fucking cookie. Wow. Did he just eat it? Yeah, it was drugs, but. You don't say. But he's like, obviously. God, I'm excited for this special. Me too.

We need a normal comic on there. Every time we get one of these, it's a win for us.

We'll see what happens. Are they nervous at all? Or are they just like, here we go? I don't think they think anything's going to happen. Yeah. They seem to think the jokes are not going to get any pushback. They think they're not going to get any pushback? I don't think so. I don't think they do. I think you want pushback just to get the buzz going. Pushback rules. That's what Dice said. It's your call. You're the one who's going to take the heat. Sure. No, she likes pushback. It's fun to see people get mad. Yeah.

That's always angry. That's always enjoyable, especially when other people are enjoying it. I think the best thing to do is just not respond to any of it. Just let it play out. I agree. Oh, yeah. Like early in, I guess, my career, you just start fighting with these people and you're like, there's no point. No. Just let them do whatever they're going to do on your Instagram and Facebook or whatever. Now, do you have any jokes about Puerto Ricans? Because they seem very angry. She does. She does, actually. It's my favorite joke. Dominicans and Puerto Ricans. Plenty.

It's just one joke, I think. Oh, boy. This is exciting. I love how angry people are using Tony as a flashpoint for politics. I know. It's all- It would be crazy if Trump loses the election because of Tony. Let's just not. We should just avoid it, though, because this comes out after. Man, wasn't that crazy, though? Yeah.

That was nuts. I can't believe it. Nice. And may I say, this is the best shape of a martini glass because it's less spillable. Yeah, it's great. I'm a big fan of that, too. Yeah. Adrian's new special. Yes, the Dark Queen, baby. Very exciting. Woo! That's pretty fucking good. Mmm. Made a little extra dirty. Good boy. Hey, not too shabby. Not bad. No kick. No kick.

That's vodka heavy. Yeah. These will fuck you up. Martinis are just like, it's booze on booze. Oh, dude, last time, I think, not the last time, but one time we got martini drunk and it ended a relationship of mine. You and me. Whoa. I remember that. I was like, wait, I had one with you like that. What relationship was that? Our friendship. We just got back to it. Oh, and did your friendship? I was on the phone with an ex and she was like, she was...

She's not... You're just drunk. And I was like, yeah, I'm not lying about it. Yeah, I'm with her in itself. She was just so upset how drunk I was. Yeah, no, she was just mad. She's like, you're just drunk. And I was like, I didn't... I wasn't like lying. Sometimes I will do the thing though where I'm like, I had one drink. Right. And you're clearly shit-faced. I think it's always better. You're slurring from one. I'm like, it's weird, right? It's a martini. They'll get you. I had one drink.

and my pants are off. I'm in the hallway. I'm fucking sober. It is fun to say you had one drink when you had a lot. That is one of my moves, but this time I was like, I am a little drunk, and she was just like, you're just drunk. And I was just like, yeah, I'm drunk. But also like,

We just finished working. Yeah. We're out with friends. By the way, work was you, me, and Mark getting drunk. That is work. Work is work. Podcast. Podcast is work. He went to couple therapy drunk. Yeah, a long time. We both...

One time, it was tough. You showed up as a problem. That's great. Obviously, the fingers are going to point at me on this one. That's great. You know that thing where you try to not slur, but you have to really intentionally? Yes, yes. I need to pay more attention to the relationship. I mean, as far as a therapist, I'd be like, you're just

It's better than being coked up. I love her so much. This is the best relationship of my life. We're going to start a home together. But I know that feeling of drunk where you think you're killing it in the moment. You're like, man, I'm enunciating these words perfectly. I'm fucking crushing this. My love language. Affection.

No, I've been there where you fucking just have to fake it. Yeah. We've done that. I've done that on stage. Oh, shit. Oh, dude. When I did Bert's podcast with Ric Flair, we did the Something's Burning. Oh, man. It was the drunkest I've been all year. I puked. I was puking nonstop. On the show? No, after. No, on the show, I was like- Pull it up? Towards the end, I was aware of how fucked up I was. Mm-hmm.

we're having like a silly time and then Bert goes, do you have any regrets? And Ric Flair just starts crying and I'm just like, oh fuck. And he starts talking about his dead son and I don't know what to do so I just kind of, like, I'm having that moment where I'm like, I'm so shit-faced. That's crazy to say on a podcast with a drunk guy. I know. Well, I was just trying to be like, just don't, uh,

I don't know where it is. He started crying and I didn't know what to do. I'm so shit face in this moment. You do look shit face. You look so drunk. You're sitting but also swaying. At one point I just I didn't know what to do and I like put my hand on his back. Oh, look how purple he is. That's a weird color to be.

Does he still woo during the cry? I want to say I'm like five or six boulevardiers deep here. Oh, yeah. But they're like tall ones. Well, you're hanging. That wasn't bad. That seemed appropriate, actually. That was good. Dude, we had the same thing on Kill Tony with Flair. And it was... They had...

Lewis and Zach in the back because like bigger names might come in. Lewis recognized what that was immediately. It's like, I think this might be disrespectful. Oh yeah. And we're sitting there, we're in the front with Herc Flair. He's too drunk. He was, in fairness, drunk since 2 p.m. Yes. And then he starts talking about his dead son. And I look back at Lewis Gomez and Lewis just gave this look and then Zach was kind of nodding like, let's go.

Let's light him up. Yeah. And it was just like, you shouldn't be here. He's coming on the pods. I can't wait. I'm kind of excited. I hope he gets tuned up again because he talked about Asian pussy for 25 minutes. Keep it in. I'd rather hear about that than his dead kid, though. Oh, yeah. He had a good line. He went, woo. And I said, was that her name? Oh, funny. Yeah, this is a fucking hilarious show. What the hell is going on?

You ever think? Yeah, it looks like he's talking about his cancer. That's why I'm trying, because I'm wasted, but I'm also trying not to laugh, because I'm just like, what has happened in my life that I'm trying to console a guy I grew up watching? Yes, exactly. So I'm trying not laughing at him, but laughing at the absurdity of the situation. That's great. But yeah, he's a fucking... He's a legend. I loved him growing up, dude. I loved all those guys. Anyone who's a bad guy is fucking great. Thank you.

It's got to be tough to be a heel throughout the day, but the memories are great. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the hard part about healing. Well, it's tough now when people are like, I'm going to find your middle school teacher and try to tell her you're a cunt. That's true. To you? Yeah, well, it's usually the booze in the ring were the fun part. Right. Well, it's like, hey, you drug burnt, you piece of shit. But 10 years later, I feel like people are like, man.

Ari's wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the moment, you've got to take all the shrapnel. History has been kind to Ari's mayhem. Yeah. Still alive. Yeah. Still alive. Still standing. Yeah. What else did you do? You've told it. Kobe. A little shit in a box. I see where there's almost. Oh, wait. No, you don't. You just shit in a box. Yeah, he shit in a box. I feel like he. I was literally giving him credit for that. He has not. Ari's really turned it around. Don't lose that edge. No, he has not. I landed in Vegas. They were like, Ari shit on the stage. I was like, all right, good. Good to be here.

Glad I showed up. Did you plan this? Did you do a laxative? How did you do that? Well, I was on antibiotics for ringworm. Why do you have ringworm? Right? I don't know exactly. What is ringworm? I don't know. Some fungus. Didn't you get it from sitting in a sandbox or something? I think I might have just like, yeah, I think I might have shared Mike Vecchione's lounge chair after a workout or something. Was the venue mad at you for pooping on their stage, bro? I think you pooped on paper like a dog. Not at all.

Literally, he was just like, I don't know. The venue is disgusting. They were happy I cleaned it up. It's meant to be shit on. Yeah. All of Vegas is meant to be shit on. It's skank fest. They were like, only one shit? What are you going to do next year, though? I think I might have to just go to Joke's.

Yeah, I figured out the next step. I think you'd have to jerk off on people. Hey! Oh, I didn't think of that. There's a line there. You don't want Louie and Ari producing this. It doesn't matter. Ari's already going to go off the line. What if I jerk off on Louie? I know that. That's good. I love that. How do you stay hard?

That's the hard part. You got to listen to his old stuff. You got to listen to Chewed Up. I saw him the other night. He's got some fucking heaters. He's cooking. He's cooking. It's so great to see because I watched him a month ago and he was really struggling. And now that same shit is... I'd love to see the progress. That Buddhist bit is killer. The who? He's got a Buddhist bit that's killer. Oh, I don't know that one. Yeah, I mean, he's got great stuff right now. Yeah, well, booed this moment.

Boo. All right. I don't know. There's a reach. Tried to back you up. Yeah, how are you going to up that? I thought it might be human sacrifice, so I might have to be done. But jerking off publicly is...

You got any ideas? You could kill a lab rat or something. Didn't you jerk off in a California club on a table? In a condo, the La Jolla condo. Somebody told me that story. To a Mariano Rivera safe. I jerked. Somebody told me that story. To a safe? I went out in the other room and I got it pretty close. Then I went out for Jim Painter and I think Rick Ingram. And jerked off on a table. No, to a tea saucer. Oh, fun. Right as he was closing one out. Hall of Famer though. Yeah, victimless crime. Yeah. As long as no one drank it.

Sorry. I wouldn't drink it. I like these two in Hall of Famer. He's like, I can only fucking nut to the dudes that did a few thousand hits or elite closers. Never did it to Wetland. If you drink jizz out of a coffee saucer, do you hit the pinky? Yeah. Does that make it classy? Sure, yeah. Damn. Fun pranks. There was a lot of jizzing back in my childhood. Chris Farley...

In Jay Moore's book, Grasping for Airtime, they talk about the first time he met him, somebody had like a, David Spade had a giant book on his desk and Chris Farley jizzed in it and closed the book. No. And that was just a fun, friendly thing. It is fun. When it's not sexual, sexuality is just fun. Yes. But it's also gross. It's not the sex part, it's the growth part. Right. A flaccid dick is not like victimly. It's just like grody. I did that in Joe Mackey's Bible back in the day. He was not happy about it.

This makes more sense now. I get it. I get where it went off the rails. I dare you to do the Koran, though. That'll get you a sniff. Of all the holy books, the Bible has the best pages for rolling joints. That's true. Yeah, I love that paper. Yeah.

You have to do something like that next year. You have to take the Torah and smoke out of it. Yes. Roll joints out of the Bible. Be real heretical. So you had ringworm, but before that, you had a Lyme disease, or almost. No, almost. I had to take drugs. I got bitten by a bunch of nymph ticks. Nymph ticks? Yeah, in Montauk.

I was there with Norman. And yeah, I was walking with a dog. So I think it might have led to that. I don't really know. It was like right from there. So I couldn't eat meat for a fucking week. I went to sushi by scratch. What?

It's so good, but he had these bone marrow pieces of meat. And he was just mocking me the whole time. He was like, for those of you who didn't fuck up at Montauk, here's some bone marrow. How do you get Lyme disease? Ticks. You're getting stuff that people got in the 20s, I think. Well, the nymphs don't carry the Lyme disease. They carry alpha-gal. That makes you allergic to meat forever if you have meat while you're infected. What?

Alpha Gal? Yeah. Sounds like your old album. Alpha Gal. Oh, that could be a name for it. Yeah. Yeah. Dark Queen is not bad, but Alpha Gal sounds like one of those like... No red meat is rough. That's insane. You get bored. You get bored with fish and chicken. Oh, yeah. Turkey, pork. Turkey. Wow. So did you have to go to the hospital for that?

Yes, and they just gave me antibiotics, which made me shit a bunch, which allowed me to take a nice hot dump on stage to honor Kill Tony at Skankfest. Hell yeah. Was it full of blood?

So a lot of them said yes, but I said a low amount of blood. You poop blood onto a stage? One time he showed me a picture. When you say it like that. One time he showed me a picture where he shit and there was so much blood that it looked like strawberry chocolate cake. Call it up.

What poor gas digital intern had to swiffer that up after that? No one talked about that hero. It was Red Band. He wanted to take it home. He dries out poop and fucking keeps it under his mantle. You actually cleaned it? I cleaned it, yeah. Really? Oh, okay. I remember those moments where you realized, like, hey, no one else would suffer from this. This is a little much for someone else to do. Were you trying not to puke while you were cleaning this?

No, I mean, you know. He's pretty used to shitting everywhere. Yeah, I'm pretty gross. I live in gross. Gigi Arie. Well, I felt bad when we did Protect Our Parks. You fuckers got me next planet drunk. Wow. I puked at the mothership like, I'm talking gallons of puke.

I laid in it. I passed out, puked again, and I staggered home, and some poor person had to clean that. Well, Mark sent a gift back. And now he's a star on Kill Tony. Yeah.

I sent him a gift basket. Like, I'm really sorry. Look, we know we're commas. You fuck some shit up. Like, I'll handle that. Well, the worst part was the next day I showed up to do some more sets and I met the guy who did it. And when you look that guy in the eye, it's a real bummer. But I sent a gift. I'm sure that changes his PTSD. What did you send? I sent an edible arrangement with a funny note.

Who the fuck wants that for cleaning a puke? Well, I didn't say it was even. It's a gesture. Most people wouldn't send that. That's true. Most people just move on. Public apology. You've made plenty of them. Oh, yeah. Remember that?

Damn, dude. Yeah, the puking. I remember you handed me. We were in Orlando. Oh. And I was puking in the airport. In the airport. Mark pulls a bro move where he hands a ginger ale over the stall, seeing me bent over. That's a good friend. How often do you guys puke when you drink? Rarely. Not as much as I do. Rarely. Wow. If I go...

I'm puking. Really? If I go hard. I wish. That's better for you. That's better, yeah. That is way better. I wish I got it out because you wake up and it's all still in there for me and you just want to kill yourself. I feel it now. I'm like, it's coming. I kind of like force it out. I don't use the fingers anymore. I just...

I'll do that enough to where it's like, if it's there, it'll come out. I think some people can puke easier than... If I puke, it's like a traumatic event. It hurts. I'm in pain. I'm crying. I think about my childhood. Yeah, I'm tearing up. I love tearing up. I love going to the bathroom real quick, knowing like, oh, I definitely got to puke. Really quick, puking on the side. Really? Bulimic style on the side. Nobody can hear it. Then come back to the table like, hey, so what are we doing? And they're like, why are you all glassy-eyed? That's a gift. Oh, fuck. That's a gift. If you puke on the side, you don't hear it? You don't hear it. It's bulimic 101.

I never knew that. Yeah, you got to go quietly. So here's how they puke.

Whoa. Yeah. No splash. It's like when you're pissing when you're on the phone with your agent, you hit the corners. Hit the corners. Or you can just mute them. Yeah. You ask a question and be like, hey, what are the sales like in Providence right now? Yeah. And Tuesday? Yeah. Can you tell me about your childhood? You're taking a shit. You hit mute. And you're like, oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. I could do Spokane. That's good. Oh.

It's funny how shitting on a Zoom would get you in less trouble than jerking it. I think shitting's a bad look. Shitting's a bad look. It's not a great look. Just more disgusting than sexual. I agree. It's not sexual at all. But jerking would get you in more trouble. Yeah. Jerking's worse. Jerking is worse. Okay. Yeah, jerking's worse. That's about right. That's the right order. It's worse, but it's also more flattering than if someone's just

Good point. Taking a dump is like a power move more than like. Yes. I don't think we got the right woman in here to do this. I'm not the right one. I have female friends and they say this is flattering. So I don't know. I think it's more flattering than like you're just shitting. Your face makes me want to shit. Yeah. Well, LBJ would do both, right? Not jerk off, but he'd show you his dick and he would take a shit in front of you. Really? That was the, I'm pretty sure Linda B. Johnson. Pull it up.

He would show you his dong and say, is this the biggest one you've ever seen? Whoa. I didn't know that. Did he have a huge dick? I think he had a pretty big dick. And then also he would take a meeting on the shitter too. That I get. I'm like a horse, yeah. Wow. BJ. It's fitting. Can't spell BJ without, oh yeah. Wow. Jumbo. Call his penis jumbo.

Mark, I'm going to start calling your penis jumbo. Ah, jumbo shrimp. It's big for a small? Yeah, yeah. I like that. Good merch. It's big for a small. Oh, I wish they would show it. This is the old days where there's no... You have to use your imagination. Yeah, that's getting out. He showed it in high school. We can get Michelle Obama's dick up here in two seconds. All right.

Joking. I got to tell you a joke after this. Oh, look at that. Look at that weight. Wow, that's a hog. Zoom in. Some of it might just be balls, though. That's true. That's a lot of ball. Wow. Is that Ric Flair? That's the real baby. Look at the dog. The dog's giving it up. That is a pretty big dick. I mean, who knows how much balls are there, though? It's got to be 80% ball. No way. I'm telling you.

Pull up a shot of Elvis. Elvis had a huge bulge in that same position, and no one talks about his hammer. It's a pretty gay episode. Because he took it from. This guy's not even aware. This guy's got some other dude's dicks from the 60s. Hold on, he's hugging his dad there. The one where he's hugging his dad. That's when he's really hard. That's when he's really hard. Keep going left, left, left. And this is entirely my fault for sending us down this road here. There you go.

Look at that. Wow. Let me see that. Zoom in. Zoom in big. He's smuggling a couple of grapefruits. Wow. It looks like his dad's going into his dick. What? It's like up and down. If he died in the toilet, it must have dipped. Yeah. Is his dad Paul Newman?

Oh, yeah. Wow. What are those two things in there? The guy from Mad Men also. Is it man? Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. We've been trying to get him on. Do you have any movement on Hamm? I did a movie with him. Really? What movie? I don't want to talk about it. It was so bad. It was really bad. It was called Keeping Up with the Joneses. It was so bad. I'm embarrassed about it. But it was there. This guy's dick is huge. What? That's a wallet.

No, that's a dick. That's a great move. You have a chunky wallet. Everyone's like, holy shit. You're rich. He's got a lot of 20s. Oh, I see it now on the side. That's like a weird x-ray. Wow. That's their see-through. That'd be a great, a designer should do that. They should make a design with just a dick outline. Yeah. Don't they have like bras with the nipple in it? They do. Yeah. Wow. Ask Kim K to do it. That's a great idea.

Apparently, a friend of mine who's a homosexual told me that they go full stuff. They stuff it? Yeah, they stuff it just for the look. Wow. Then what happens when you take them home and it's not that big? It doesn't matter. Gay guys aren't going to be like, no thanks. Exactly. That's what he said. Remember Tommy Caffrey's joke about that? He's like, it's not cool.

It's not cool if you just, it's like if you went to my, I got you a Jaguar and then you get to the garage, it's just tissue paper shaped like a Jaguar. You're like, yeah, this sucks. That's true. My favorite joke of his was how people should be, it was like open mic days and people were just starting to get stuff. We're still open micers.

And when somebody booked a sitcom, they're like, you should be happy for me. Even though we're poverty stricken. And he goes, that's like going to a homeless guy and eating a Big Mac. I'm like, why aren't you happy for me? I was so hungry before I got this Big Mac. And now I got this Big Mac. He had the best analogies. Yeah. Dude, he had so many good jokes. Yeah. Remember the one he had? We're just quoting McCaffrey now. But remember the one he had about...

About starting fights with kids in high school. They're like, you and me, three o'clock, bite rack. He's like, I was a pussy, so I would give people locations and times that were hard to get to. Oh, yeah. Oh, you want to go? You and me, Christmas morning, Mount St. Helens. He's like, yeah, that's my family. This pussy's going to be with his family. He's like, oh, you want to go? You and me, Vanity Fair, Oscars after party. Yeah.

That's kind of a tight list. This pussy's not going to get on the list. That's right. Such a good bitch. Did he stop doing stand-up? Yeah. I saw him like a month ago at the stand randomly. Wait, did he go to law school? I don't know. Am I thinking the wrong person? He became a rapper, which is even worse. What do you mean? Like Macy's for Christmas? Yeah.

He was the first comic, because everyone has his bit now, but he was the first comic I saw to do the, you know, the girl's like, we should make a list of guys we're allowed to sleep with. And he's like, she's like, you know, Keanu Reeves, Brad Pitt, whatever. And he's like, the girl at the store. Your friend Margaret. Yeah, your friend Margaret, your aunt. Everyone does that bit now. Everyone. But he was the first, I think, to do it. Yeah. Yeah.

God, everyone does that bit. Yeah. He would crush, like, he was like that dude that we would watch at mics or, like, shitty bar shows, and he would have the best fucking jokes. I know. It's so funny that he stopped doing stand-up to become a rapper. Yeah.

Well... A lot of comics want to be music. What's his name from Chicago? Put you out like Hannibal Buress. Oh, Hannibal. Yeah. He's back. He's back doing stand-up. I think the lack of respect, though, gets to some people. That's what it is. Like, you know, I think...

He knew he was funny and wasn't getting what he thought he deserved and did deserve. And then he's like, let me do something I'm not good at. Yeah. When I don't get anything, it doesn't hurt. So he started flailing. I'm going to go in a different direction. He was so funny, though. It's weird that we're all talking highly about him, about a guy who doesn't do stand up anymore. But I think the lack of, he didn't get anything, really. So I think that pissed him off. Fuck you. I'll rap.

He had the other great one. He's like, Jenna Jameson, I read her book. The movie was better. It's a fucking 20-word joke. I know. You know, I love those.

I remember seeing him at your show at the stage. The stage? Sage. Sage. That kept me going, that show. You guys all book shows? Who booked shows here? I did for a while. Many shows. I still have two. Oh, that's right. You had the one with Lewis, too, the mashup show. Whoa.

That show, yeah. And then I did another show when I first started. I was like three or four years in at some restaurant. I booked one at a bar. It's not happening. It turned out good. It sucks to have a show, though, because you just get hit up. I mean, it's like, I guess the equivalent of having a podcast now. You need a booker who's like, they handle it. You need a don. You got to have it. To block for you. Then those bookers get fucking ego sometimes.

I don't know if this is a sore sub. What is it? Didn't your mom do comedy? Yeah. Is that weird? Does she have an expo special too right now or just you? I mean, she'll probably get one. Is she happy for you? Yeah, but I remember years ago when I first got something in comedy, she was like, how'd you get that? Like a real. Wow. She's a comic. You don't want that at home, though.

Yeah, I mean, she's got to get her other hip done. I think she's out of the game. It's tough when you can't stand up for stand-up comedy. Yeah. Do you like her stuff? My mom's actually pretty dirty. Wow. She does a lot of black shows. Oh, okay. I did a lot of black shows, but I got out of them, and she's in them. Damn. Yeah. Okay, dirty mom. Do you like her jokes? Some of them are funny. Yeah. You got out of black shows and then became their body type?

I was always their body type. Oh, okay. She has a really funny joke about, so my, her mother is Jewish and that her and, and my grandfather, her father was Italian and they were eating broccoli rabe.

And I guess when she was a kid and they ate all the flowers and then when my grandmother got up there was only stems left and she goes, fine. She said something like, sure, leave the stems for the Jew. That's her joke and it makes me laugh so hard. I don't get it. Like the stems the shitty part so she's saying you left the Jew the crappy part. Oh, I see, I see. All right, we'll have her on. She'd love to. Dirty though. Is it weird to hear your mom be dirty? No.

I wonder if that led to some of your filter going away. Gotta be, right? Knowing, judging you at home for dark jokes. But it's not like I grew up with her doing that, though. You might be the darkest comic ever.

Because it's also not like, there's no part of it that's couched in like, oh, look what I'm saying. Yeah. But I think that's the worst part is that everyone thinks I'm like acting. And I'm like, this is just what's in my head. I completely agree. Unfortunately, everyone thinks I'm like an edgelord. And I'm like, this is just who I am. It's so fun when I see people walk out on your shows and you're like, no, you're not wrong. Yeah.

I was like, yeah, I see. I see your point of view. It is. You're definitely the darkest good comedian. There's probably some dudes at Mike's who are saying some crazy shit. That's true. Anyway, congratulations on the dark queen. Anthony has a special out also in November on Netflix. Oh, really? Yeah. We got to get him on. I heard it's amazing.

I bet. Every theater I do, I go, who do you hate? Who showed up? Who sucked? And who was great? And they all say, Mulaney was great. Jelzinek was great. And I won't say who sucked. Yeah, you can't. Off camera. I'll tell you off camera. Oh, yeah. I want to know. Is it a girl? No, no. They don't even count them as comedians. That is true. Good point. But no, you'll know. You'll be like, oh, yeah.

Not a lot of surprises. I got a Louis joke for you after this episode. Okay. Yeah, that reminded me, because he directed this, by the way, but it reminded me earlier, and I was no way on air. What did that entail? Like, what kind of advice did Louis give you?

I mean, he's the one that did like the lighting and stuff for the special. He came out to see me at Levity Live. It was the worst show I did the whole tour. It was like 8 p.m. It was like a papered room. Everyone's old. I mean, I'm like performing. I'm like tap dancing up there and like...

they're like not really that into it and I get off stage I'm like he's not gonna do the special I just start bawling I'm just like crying she's worried she's like he's out I'm like he's not gonna wanna do cause like I was just like he's gonna not wanna do this he's gonna say this isn't ready and I just get off stage and I start like bawling for like a half hour and he had like a conversation that kinda turned things for me but I was like

He even said to me, he's like, this is a very hard hour for you to be going on the road where people don't know you. It's like a lot of really dark topics. And he's like, it's just, it's a hard hour. He's like, it's good. It's better than your album. Like, I think it's cohesive, but it's a really hard hour. And he was just talking about how like when he, before he broke, he's like, I was struggling on the road. So you forget that. Like, I'm just like, this guy's been murdering forever. It's like, I struggled on the road with some of these shows and it's hard. It's hard to stay in.

and do those jokes when you know like half the room's not into it or it's a booker that's doing you a favor so you're like it's tough it was a hard year doing that tour I bet none of these people really know me yeah they don't know you and they're coming for like knock knock jokes or whatever they think a woman is gonna do like it's like they're taking a chance on a woman and I'm disappointing them now uh

You have to build as dark jokes or something, but then that becomes a problem. It's tough. Then they come for something different than she is. She's not trying. She just isn't. I know, but it just... And that's why when I was talking to Louie, he's like, well, that's why me and Ari want to do this special for you because we want you to have an audience that like...

out to see you and you know it's just I've struggled on some of those shows where you're like this is brutal yeah for all the guys out there who who've been accused of hating women comics and like you don't like women comics like no I don't it's not that but it's like they've been looking for one to really get behind this is that one here here this is what you'll look at on Netflix and go oh right yeah I'm not misogynist you've just been showing me fucking influencers I

That makes sense. There's real club comic females that are hilarious. People love Jordan Jensen. Like Jordan Jensen, I feel like people will come up and be like, oh, she's great. So it's not a woman thing. It's just a subject matter. There's a lot of hilarious female comics. There's a lot. Michelle Wolf's a killer. That stereotype's old already at this point. It's like 20 years past, and they've all started doing open micers and grown. Now they're all 15, 20-year comics. They know what they're doing now, but you're still being shown the wrong ones. Totally. Totally. Totally.

Did you ever have, because you've been doing what, 20 years? 20 years, yeah. Did you ever have that, I better adapt, I better learn to be more mainstream? I don't know how. Like there's a point where it's like if I could be a straight hack, I would do it. Wow. Like if I could just make money on the road, but like my brain just doesn't work like that. Yeah. I mean, I guess to write hacky jokes is, yeah, I guess that's not necessarily it, but like to just think another way, it's like,

I really can't. That's commendable. That's an artist. You do what you do, you know? Not to use the pretentious term of an artist, but you can't not be you. Yeah. I think in a weird way, that's good and going to propel you later. It sucks in the beginning. I mean, it's like- Yeah, once you find your audience, then they'll come for that, and it's just game on. Sure. It just took 20 years. You're going to have some young female comic like, I just started. You're my hero. And you're like, well, bitch, get in line. That's a long time. This is what I had to do. You're like Jackie Robinson.

I am. It's funny when you just can't think in a different way. When I think of Jackie Robinson. You think of me. Yeah. Think of Jackie Robinson. You're the Rosa Parks of comedy. It's funny if you watch the Jackie Robinson movie, like...

they make it seem like three baseball games and like racism is cured. Like he's like, everyone hates him and then four games and everyone's like, yeah, it just so funny. We still want to win. Yes, we do. I have a joke. I'm working. I tried this joke the other night about like how I, I'll watch the WNBA, but like, I feel like a real feminist when I watch it. Like, wow, I'm a great guy. But then like the, the non-feminist comes out cause I love basketball so much. I'll be watching a game and I'll be like,

It's a fucking open layup, you fucking dumb bitch. What the hell? Make a shot. That's equal. Right. But I think I love sports. That's the thing. Yeah. So it comes out, but I don't know. You sent me a thing, or you sent it to the group chat about, it was one of the Oasis guys, and he was like, the industry doesn't know what they want. You got to show them what they want or whatever. If you could find that. I sent you that, didn't I? Did you send me that? Yeah, yeah. I sent it to you, too. I sent it to you, too.

Yeah, it was Liam or Noel Gallagher, the funny one. I forget which one. I think Liam, but I'm not sure. Well, it's like you tell them fashion. Yeah, he goes, Dior doesn't ask, what do you guys want to wear this year? Dior pushes a line. Yes. And then everyone likes it. And he goes, music should push the line. If you like it, come to us.

To me, this is you in a nutshell. This is your comedy. His way is pure, but it's probably not making as much money. He goes, the audience is idiots. Not my audience. They're brilliant. But everyone else's is idiots. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny.

It's so true. I mean, he nailed it. You got to show him because fashion is always avant-garde. Nobody goes, oh, I want to be cool. I'll wear that. And then that goes away and then something else flips and then you go with that. Yeah, exactly. And it's like pushes it further. And then you're like, well, we hated this then. And you're like, all right. Yeah. It's up to you. I'm not doing that. Right. If you want to direct a fucking documentary, do that. But like, well, that's not popular. All right. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. You got to keep pushing it.

If you could fi- oh, there you go. I think that's it. That's it. Fuck the customer. Yes, you found it! Pull it up! Well, they got him, and it changed the world. And the consumer didn't want Sergeant Peppers, but they got it. And they didn't want the Sex Pistols, but they got it. Fuck the customer. The customer doesn't know what he wants. You can give it to him, and he likes it.

And now there's an attitude in the music business where it's like, well, let's keep the consumer happy because that's what makes the music business go around. Let's put it this way. If a fashion house is a record label, right? Record. Dior or all those big fashion houses. Do you think fashion would stay the same if they asked the consumer what they wanted to wear next summer? Why fashion always moves forward and we all look different and have different air cuts and we're all different because fashion doesn't focus group it to its f***ing customers. Customers are idiots.

99% of them are f***ing idiots. You know? Not my customers. They're f***ing brilliant. They're brilliant. And I respect you. But the customers of other bands. Hey, that's you. I wanted to quote my special initially, tap dancing for retards. Yeah. It was definitely in the final two or three possibilities. That's a great one. Because that's what you're doing. It's just like they don't, they're so stupid. It was also like we might have to put this on YouTube.

So we have to see if Netflix wanted or not, but like YouTube's not going to allow you to call it retards. I know. You could do tap dancing for it. When did Netflix become more agreeable than YouTube? Yeah, it swapped out. At some point, I think they go back. You have to keep going back and forth, I think. Netflix does it in the booking process.

And then YouTube does it on the actual up there. Yeah. Once Netflix books you, they'll do whatever you want. We're not going to take anything down. That's true. YouTube will be like, no one should see this. You're right. Right. But Netflix wasn't always that way. We just talked about her having to cut in the half hour. I think at this point, they just know that people being upset by stuff is helpful. And I think they're gambling on this.

I have no following. So I think between Louie and Ari and me, like the jokes I think are good. I think they're just like, let's see what happens. It's like throwing shit to the wall. Yeah, I forgot they're going to be mad about Louie. They might also be mad about me helping them. Oh, yeah. And I mean, and you are continually just doing wild stuff. Like I know at some point-

boycott your premiere. At some point, I'm going to have to apologize for you. Oh, yeah. No. Get them all ready, friends. What a silly world we live in. We're pretty like, ah, just in their house somewhere and we're just telling jokes.

Having a good time. That's the thing. We just want to have fun. Everyone is mad. We're drinking martinis in the afternoon. Even you taking a shit, it's like it's for like a goof. It's a goof. Yeah, it's to make people laugh. And if you get mad, you're the idiot. You're the one wasting calories. Everyone's having a good time. Some people just go, not drugs, not for me. And then a third group is, mmm.

mad about it. Yeah. You're like, wow. In the face of laughter, you're angry. And I'm not saying you can't be mad. People are like, well, oh, I can't get offended. No, you can get offended. You're just dumber. You're just wasting your life. Also, just like if you're, it's like, okay, that's just not for me. Why are you using all this energy to be like, you're wrong. I don't want anyone to see this. It's like, just be upset or

leave or whatever. I know. People that leave a show that... On their way out, they disrupt the show. Right, but people that just leave a show who are like, this isn't for me, I respect them so much as opposed to a person who's like, I hate...

You should be allowed to say that. I gave a lady props once at the comedy store because it's just a mix of comics, 15 different comics and a mix of audience. No one's coming to see anyone specific. And this lady was just snarling at me the whole time, 55, 60 years old. Her husband, I assume, was like smiling and laughing, but she was just mad. Seven rows back, five rows back. I could see it the whole time. Didn't yell. And at the end, I was like, thanks. Appreciate it, everybody. That's it for me. I was like, hey, before I go.

There's a lady over here. And, hey, lady, you hated me, right? She goes, yeah, I did. And I'm like, okay, I can see it for sure. That's a good title. You hated me, right? But I was like, but you kept it quiet. You allowed all these other people to enjoy the show. And guys, let's give this lady an applause for handling her hatred the right way. Yeah. And they all standing ovationed her.

At the comic store. And she smiled and it was like, you did it right. You don't have to like me. Yeah. Or sometimes someone will just be on their phone. Sometimes someone will be on their phone the whole time during your set and you're like, you're quiet. Yeah, you're quite great. Be quiet. That's fine. You're allowed to hate me. I totally get it. Be quiet. Be quiet.

That's the type of disagreement. I mean, that's like something even like a microcosm for America. Yes. That's how it should be. Of course. If you don't like your neighbor, then just fucking keep it quiet. Exactly. You don't have to have it out with everybody. Right. I mean, what if we do that with hot sauce? Hey, hot sauce hurt my mouth. Get rid of all of it. No, just don't eat it. That guy won the lawsuit with McDonald's, remember? Oh, yeah. The hot coffee. Yeah.

Hot coffee. I think it was an old lady. It was an old lady. Yeah. Yeah. Women. They complain much more. Yeah. Plus she was old. I think all of her layers were out. Like I think you just lose layers and it's just evil and everything. That's true. You got weaker skin. Old ladies. Yeah. Burns off anyway.

Yeah, just completely. It's actually, you know what my new move is? Whenever I'm in Brooklyn or something and people are getting all offended by my jokes, I go, boy, you guys are pretty conservative. And they're like, wait, what? And I'm like, yeah, you're like Reagan's wife out here. You're clenching your pearls. You're so scared of jokes. You're like the guys who got mad at Elvis for shaking his hip. And nobody wants to be conservative, even conservatives. Yeah, their brain is like malfunctioning. They don't know how to handle it.

Works like a charm. Negging people works. Oh, it works. That's right. Then they kick you out. I'm like, you're very Trumpian. You're actually quite like Trump. Yeah, they don't like that. You know what's helpful? Is my friend came to see lesbian, girls leadership, like kind of chick. Came to see me at the comedy store a long, long time ago. I was unemployed. Holtzman went up. You know how he is. I mean, I watched him. I had to give a warning. She was offended by Holtzman. No, I watched him in Mothership. He did like 20 minutes.

about killing gay people. I mean, it was just so... At MSG for Kill Tony... And that's not what he said either. At MSG for Kill Tony, he was like, fuck Billy Joel. There's people here who killed themselves because they had to work on another Billy Joel show.

He just makes me laugh so hard. Yeah, but I did tell my friend, I'm like, hey, oh, you might be offended by him. She goes, I won't be offended. And just the warning, then she does like it because she's like, I won't be that person. That's so smart to call them. Interesting. Yeah, you're calling them out on it. That's why Dark Queen is good. You get it out there. They know I had a time. You can't be upset. Why are you turning in for this? You can't be upset if you watch it. It's like Nashville hot chicken. You can't be like, oh. It's so hot. It's hot. It's called hot chicken.

hard-hitting here at the... I'll be at the Ryman in May. Did Louis give you any really good tags or anything like that? There was one joke that he made more succinct and it worked a lot better. It was the same idea, I just had too wordy. I don't remember what the joke was right now. Interesting. He's so good at that. He's good. He sees it as like... I mean, he also, I guess because we wanted the...

comedy cellar not to look like other people that have shot it there. So he extended the stage six inches. And because I don't move a lot on stage, I just stood at the very top of it and they turned that light off. So it does look a bit different. It's moody. Did you watch the color? Yeah. It's beautiful. It looks beautiful. He wanted to look like a Lenny Bruce special. He showed me the one. He goes, I want to look like this in front of this bricky kind of wall. Is there a trailer or something? So they won't give me any...

for like two weeks out and they won't let me post it until the day before. We'll give you one. Yeah, we'll give you one to play. Wait, are they letting me do something?

Oh. Sounds terrible. Hold on. Is this the olive tree? Yes.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, the real seller. Smart move. See those gels on the side? It's all Louis. Oh, the gold? Coloring them, yeah. No. How many shows you do? Four. Four. They're putting, for the trailer, they're putting the personal jokes instead of the really dark jokes, huh? No, they should go hard. Yeah, they should go harder than this. But they didn't let me pick those jokes. Yeah.

Oh, they never do. Yeah. Hit remind me there, Matt, just to make sure you get it. Yeah, add one more. Yeah, do a little remindy. Hey, guys, if you're meeting the parents this holiday season, you want to dress the part. Chubby's has ultra cozy comfort clothes that'll keep you feeling warm and looking great while the weather gets worse and worse. From flannels and warm pullovers to soft quarter zips, they'll take you from the pumpkin patch to family dinner. This is really good stuff. I love the pants because we were just talking about the stretchy pants. They're like not constrict.

Yes. Some of this designer shit, you put it on, and it's like, you know, I can't move my leg. No, you'll rip. I'll rip. And then you'll see my shriveled bag. And that's not what anyone wants.

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It really is. It's solid stuff. I really like it. It's all I wear. By the way, can I just say as a goy, I'm trying to work on my house. Every six days is a Jewish holiday. They're like, oh, you can't come in today. This guy, the roofer, it's a Jewish holiday. Why do you think we can't sell a fucking show? I know. Autumn is the worst. So many holidays. I'm like, I've never even heard of half of these. I'm a Jew. I'm like, that's a made up fucking holiday. Yeah.

You guys do have a lot of holidays. It's a lot. And you can say anything, and I would believe it because I'm a big old Gentile. I'm like, oh, I guess so. I took a Hebrew class in college, and the teacher was like, who's going to be out for Passover? And everyone's like, I don't know. He goes, for real, though, because I don't want to change class, cancel class. And everyone's like, oh, cancel class. Yeah, I'll be out.

Yeah. Chabad of the Rivertown? What the fuck is that? There's something every day. That's just fucking, no, that's just his own personal calendar. Look at this. This calendar's got herpes. It's riddled with just dates. Suka services. Hebrew school. Subs and suka. Yeah. Suka, rabah.

Elver, Sukkot, services. Sukkah hopping is the closest we got to Halloween. Oh, I thought it was Purim. Purim is dress up. Sukkah hopping is get treats. You go Sukkah to Sukkah getting treats. I mean, this is crazy to live your life like this. Yeah. What does a Jew dress like? An athlete? Oh, for Halloween? Somebody good looking? Fool.

Full head of hair. How about that guy coming after me and Ari? Do you see that? What? What happened? Go to my Twitter for that picture. You put it up. It's so funny. Oh, I saw that. Yeah. I got some nasty message about this. They're like, it's anti-Semitic. And I'm just like, well, yeah, that's where the joke is. It's funny. It looks, we're making fun of it. Let's go down a little more. Yeah. I share a lot of other people. Hold on.

There we go. That's funny. That's fucking... He got us. That's great. Which one? Why didn't he tag Ari? I think I'm left. Why spell it that way?

I mean, that's how he thinks it's spelled. I mean, it's close. It's close. Might have been a lot of close. I think I got it worse than Ari. Look at that. You did get it worse than Ari. Inbred. He's like the dude from Goonies. Beetlejuice. Slothburg. What the hell? Inbredstein. Slothburg.

It is funny when they get you good. Yeah. Most of them are pretty shit. All right. Well, when you get a good one, I'm like, I'll give it. I'll give it. It makes you chuckle. You're mad, but it's still like, that's pretty nice. That's how Peter saved it. He's like, I'll need that later. I'm going to bring that back. That's a good time. Oh, boy. Yep. Well, uh,

Are you doing the new stuff on the road right now? Are you working stuff out? I'm working stuff out. I kind of hate all of the new stuff. I like some of it, but then I'm doing stuff about the election and stuff that I'm going to lose anyway, so it's kind of a waste. Yeah. But... I'll tell you, I think this is going to turn your whole career around just because people are going to come out to see you now and then you're going to be you. So you get out of 300 people, you're going to get...

50 to 100 at least who are like I'm here for this they start laughing the rest are gonna go that's the clue that this is a joke that's like you just 30% of the audience it is contagious right now I'll ask an audience it's like five people five people are there for me there you go I'll always ask because I'm curious this is gonna flip the script now they're gonna come out to see the dark oh boy

Adrian, by the way, until she fills up her calendar, is going to be doing a lot of gigs opening for me on my tour. That's right. February, March. Plug some dates here. But...

You gotta tell them which ones you want. It'd be great if it was just the same picture from before. The farewell tour. When are you coming back? 2027? 2027, yeah. What? I can't believe that. Taking some time off. Two years? Yeah, maybe. Two years off the road. What if the Yankees are good again next year? I'll be watching it from fucking Cambodia or some shit. Cuba?

Are you still going to Cuba? Yeah, I'm going to Cuba. No power. Me and Bobby just went for the election to avoid it. Whoa. I heard it's not that fun. It's just kind of shut down and closed. I probably do most of these dates with you. I don't really have anything.

Okay. Well, come to Pittsburgh with me. What do we have? Lake Tahoe, Nevada, Hawaii, December 21st. Pittsburgh, Providence, Atlanta, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Portland, Denver, Tampa, Salt Lake, San Antonio. That's probably good. Nashville, Tampa, Denver, all over. Hit me up with that Tahoe gig. I want to do that. Okay. I mean, who's that guy? Okay.

I'll ask him when I'm there. I'm almost there right now. Throw him out there. Yeah, it was a last minute ad. I'm going to be there skiing anyway. And I was like, hey, see if you can get me something. Yeah. Sweet. I didn't know there was a room out there. Yeah, I'm pulling a real Mark Norman move. I'm going to be down for a wedding in Florida, so I'm surrounding it with dates. Dates and pods. Good for you. That's a good way to pay for the flight. Punchup.live slash Ari Shafir slash tickets.com.

Yeah, but we're not here for me today. We're here for Adrian. Yeah. Yeah, but then I'm going to go on the road with you. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's for both of us. Yeah, it is for both of us. I remember when I did The Degenerates and we did that show in Atlanta and you were like, everyone was so happy to see you. Yeah, they were stoked. Yeah. They've gotten you now and my audience has gotten you now enough. They're like, oh, sick. I was hoping to be her. And I'm sure some are like, ugh, bummer. Yeah.

But I would always get like Abrams' brother came to DC Improv and he was like, hey, who opened? My brother can't stop talking about who the opener was. He wants to know the name. It's like I would get that all the time. And there was these five minutes of like out of your 20, especially when it was just me and you, out of your 25, that would be like, what the fuck is this? She's not talking about periods. And then like slowly they're like, oh. And then the chuckles would start about four and a half and then it would just be crushing when they're like, oh, she's not serious. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's true. You don't know what I'm... Right, that's true. I also think when you get to theater stuff, you're going to really crush it because I think dark in a theater is way better. Yeah. Because there's a little... The lights are out. We're all here for this. Distance. Yeah, the clubs are like...

They can see you. The lights are on a little more. I think they're more self-conscious. Maybe. I could tell. Yeah, I could see like an audience feels uncomfortable to laugh. Yeah, you said it well. We did the Greek with Bert. Yeah. And you went really dark and you're like, I think they like the dark stuff because you're like, I can't believe you're saying that.

to this many people. Oh, yeah. And it hits harder. In an abortion joke, we'll get a fucking applause break in the Greek. Yes. There we go. How big is the Greek? Six thou. Maybe more. Maybe more. I mean, Adrian at MSG opening for Louis in the round. None of them know her. None of them. You killed. That was fun. Had to go on after a fucking legendary jazz musician's son. And then- Ravid Coltrane, yeah. And then, but once you start talking about like, how come 9-11 didn't free up more parking spots? No.

And they're just like dying. They're so in. Well, it's also New Yorkers who are fighting for parking spots. It's like the worst. Right. That's great.

But you can easily see them going like, we don't joke about that. But they're like, no, that's not. Not Louie's. Louie's audience is whatever I think my audience would be. Yeah. Sometimes your audience, I feel like, is a little too right for me. Too correct? No, like a little. And then I would open for Patton and his audience sometimes would be too left. It depends. You know, it depends where you're at. It's all about the middle, baby. The middle. Yeah.

That was good. Malcolm in the middle. Damn, my audience is too right. Sometimes. Not all the time. Damn. But you could just see they're just like not happy I'm up there. Yeah. I forget what show I did with you where they were like not happy. Really? I think it was Wisconsin or something. I had two specials ago. I think they're just not happy. Wisconsin. Where'd we do Wisconsin? No, they loved him. I forget where we did. Or maybe...

I was also going through a breakup, so I was not. Oh, my God. Do you remember that? Those sets are either like magical or the worst sets you'll ever find. Yeah, true. Sometimes you're trying to make jokes out of it, and they're just way too dark. You have pretty dark jokes, too. Yeah, but during a breakup. They're blunt. They're just blunt. I don't think I'm dark. I'm just blunt. During a breakup, you're like, hey, you ever see a woman take all your fucking stuff and leave you and don't even give you your spare keys? Now you got to change your fucking locks. Fuck this bitch.

Wait, you got to pull up the Geraldo joke where he goes off on his ex-wife on Conan. Oh, really? I mean, it's a great bit, but it's such a crazy picture. The wheeling of a Virginia thing? Yeah, it's just a long rant. Oh, God. It was a great punch at the end. God, he was so good. I mean, good luck. You got to find it in there. But at some point. I would write in breakup joke or something. Or no, wife. I don't fuck. It's one of those. Wife fight. Wife fight. He had a couple. His son works at the cellar. It's so great. Yeah, they're good kids.

But yeah, sorry, you're going to have to dig a little bit. Yeah, it's a great joke. And it's about the misery of the road and and just trying to keep a relationship alive. And just yeah. And just the fights you have when she's just like because I relate so hard to that. Anyone in a relationship with like mad, you're not checking in enough, but you're like, you don't understand the day is gone like that. Yeah. You wake up at three o'clock.

Not with little Gary. Gary gets going. Let's work out at 8 a.m. Gary works out. At 8 a.m.? Oh, he's jacked. What does he lift? Pencils? He lifts the menu for the meals he makes. You gotta get drunk.

Oh, there it is. That's dark.

You know what's beautiful about that? That wasn't written. You know he just snapped one night on stage and killed and he was like, oh shit. I got a new bit. Yeah. Damn, he was good. And also just the build up of this insane personal bit and to end it with, have you had that? Yeah. Have you had that? Oh, so good. Nelson is the only guy in the cellar he would be like, I gotta go watch. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Because he was so real. The jokes were great. The writing was great. But he was so dark, too. The only time I met him was when he judged me on Last Comic Standing correctly for being terrible. That was really disheartening. Who, Geraldo? Yeah, I was worried and trying to change stuff last second. And there's literally zero audience. Only the three camera guys. I had a good interaction with him on Last Comic Standing. It was him, Natasha, and what was the other guy's name? Kindler. Kindler, yeah. Yeah.

I love all of them. Well, I didn't know. I was being like pretty dark and they were like, I figured they were like, do you want like, I was doing something about being a nanny or something. They just had like a good back and forth with me. I met him when I was really young. I just went to see him at comics. It was before the time we went to see him. I went to see him for like,

this stand-up show Papa was on at Bobby Kelly was a great show but Geraldo fucking got a stand you know wow he's so funny and Ray Allen was hosting it and he knew I loved Geraldo he's like do you want to meet him and I was like really so I got to talk to him for a couple minutes and he was just very nice sweet guy yeah yeah great comic

Damn. Underrated. Underrated, I'd say. You're right. He had a moment where he was rated, but then people just forgot about him. Yes, yes. Is that the Wall of Dead? Yeah. Is his son funny? I got to get up there. His son's got some jokes. Yeah, he's got some funny stuff. It's probably a good and bad thing to have that last name because people in the business will be like, oh, shit. Right. But then also, you're brand new.

So yeah, he- The audience doesn't know anything. Yeah. Isn't it Greg too? Isn't it Greg that's doing it? Definitely. Yeah, my agent repped Greg, so he was like, I'm keeping an eye on him. Like that. Oh, that's nice. Well, on that note- It's nice he wants to make money off of it.

I'm keeping an eye on him. It's like, you just want to make money. No, he's got money. This is a... Yeah, there we go. Hey. What? That's him? Yeah, he looks like him. That's the one that worked at the cellar? Yeah. He did for a minute and then his other brother was there too. Wait, they're both doing that? I know the other brother. That's what I know. I think he's got seven kids. No, he doesn't. That's crazy. Doesn't he have a lot of kids? No. Seven kids is wild. His wives were hot.

What has this podcast evolved into? I'm just saying. Let's cover our neighbor's wife. Why don't you have your agents keep a watch on his wife, too? There you go. Oh.

Dark Queen, November 12th. It's already out. Go watch it. Go watch it. Tell your friends. Watch it to the end. Just let it press play and keep going. That's how you help the algorithm there. YouTube algorithm helps with comments. Netflix algorithm goes just let it play. If you're like, I'm going to finish this later, let it all play out and then find the spot you left off on.

Turn the TV off. And if you tap out, let me know what joke got you to tap out. That's another one. I wish there was a way to comment. Like, I had to stop at this point. I had to stop at this point. Don't you have a special cooking with them as well? January, January. Oh.

Yeah, I don't know the exact date yet. Soon though. That's exciting. Fuck up. You're pumping them out already. Jew 2 Electric Boogaloo. Electric Boogaloo. The Barganator. Use that guy's photo for it. Oh, I got to do that for the cover. One of the covers is just me and that guy.

Where you at there, Sam? Hey. Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd. Then I'm not really hitting it hard until February, but we're going hard then. Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, Washington, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville. This goes on for a while. That's why I'm a tabernacle in Atlanta. Yeah, tabernacle's sick. I was just online with a guy-

Who's from Atlanta. I was talking about it. Oh, and, uh, we got a Durham, Atlanta, Birmingham. You see all this shit. I mean, you get it. I'm coming to your fucking city. Toronto. Yeah. Montreal, all this shit. Sam Morrell.com slash shows or punch, uh, punch up dot live slash Sam Morrell slash tickets. Uh,

On the bus for pretty much all of these. You're doing the Masonic in, wow. I'm pumped for that one. That's a big one, bro. That's like 5,000, 6,000. No, it's like 23, I think. 2,300. I did that for, they have a New Year's or Christmas show every year with a group of comics. It's got that fucking big one, bro. It's a good one. It goes this way and this way, too. I'm excited. Legendary. I fucking love SF. I hope it's doing all right. I haven't been there in a couple years. San Francisco's coming back.

Don't believe the hype. I know. The fucking media does it. Yeah, no. Tech left them for dead. Forget the homeless. Tech left them for dead. But now the cool people are moving back in. All the artists are moving back in. It's about to be the San Francisco that we started in in early 2000s where it's just cool before it got rich. I just did Oakland and we drove into San Francisco to do spots and it felt good. They lost the A's. They got to come out to comedy. A's and the Warriors and the Raiders.

Yeah. Tough. And in and out. They left. They left. All right. It's a magical city. What do you got, dude? Hey, we are in. Asheville got canceled. We're doing Protect Our Parks. NOLA.

Providence. I'm back in the clubs. I just did seven. How fun are they? In Cleveland. It's the best. I'm doing Providence, too. It's so fun. So fun. We did the 4 p.m. show. That'll sneak up on you. Wilkes-Barre, Inglewood, New Jersey, Houston, Texas at the Improv, Phoenix at Stand Up Live, Dallas at the Improv, Nashville at the Ryman, and then a child. So a lot of stuff going on. You want to babysit there, Darkie? All right. We'd love to have you.

Thanks for... Bodega Cat Whiskey. Keep Bodega Cat. Drink at bodegacatwhiskey.com. It's at the stand now. It's coming everywhere. It's everywhere. Man, New York County Club. It's got no Bushwick Bar. Peter Luger. Oh! It's at Strip House. That's why I fucked you that night. I'm sorry. I love you. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. Watch your special. Ari's got a new special coming out. See Ari on tour. And we will see you on the road, guys. See you next week. Dark Queen, baby. And Norman's talking shit about...

This woman doesn't remember me true.