Ep 204: Heather McMahan
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No, no, no, no, no, no, save it. Alright, you ready to rock? Yeah. Actually, can I get some of that milk too? Hold on, okay. There we go, passing oat milk around. This is getting wild. Whoops. Alright. Yeah! Are we rolling?

Yo, yo. Woo-hoo. We're here. We're queer. It's good to be out of the house. I know. I feel like we haven't actually just caught up in a while. Well, yeah. You're helping charity. I'm building a home. My parents are at the house. The wife is pregnant. I got a house of cards here. The parents there, is that killing you? Woo.

The house is a mess. You got eight Mexican guys fighting with Honduran guys, and then the Albanian guys hate the Honduras. It's a turf war. Shouldn't have moved to little Honduras. I know. What the hell is happening? There's a cockfight in the basement. I don't know what's going on, but now you throw my parents in, so my dad's like,

talking to the electrician, he's some Albanian guy like, oh, is that a little crooked? The guy's like, get the fuck out of here. Tell your father I cannot work like this. That is what parents do. Yeah. I was looking at my place and my mom, like, I loved the place when I got it. My mom's like looking through like, well, this won't do. And the woman's there like, who is this lady? I'm like, lady's getting my price down right here. Yeah, right. But that's what parents do. But if you think about it, if you're at that age,

Any price sounds insane. That's a good point. Because when they did this shit, it was probably so much cheaper. That's true. That's true. And it's Manhattan. Like, come on. Yeah, she's...

She's out of the picture for too long. And inflation, it's all up. It's crazy. But I'm loving the migrants. Like, everybody's bitching about migrants. Come to my house. They're fixing everything for cheap. I love it. It'd be great if they all just showed up. I thought my parents were bad. I got 6,000 migrants in my fucking backyard. Well, they're ready to work. Build that drywall. They're cooking on the fire pit. Yeah, exactly. They're cooking cat food.

Oh, by the way, I played in the MSG charity game for Garden of Dreams. Awesome fun. The Rizzler. This is the Rizzler. Oh, this kid. I thought that was Stavros. Oh, yeah.

I love he's got this move. That's his move. He's got one move, yeah. But dude, that move is making a lot of money. I thought, is the Black Panther? That's a little edgy. The first date they did Blackface. Yeah. Yeah. Woo.

We played in the game. I don't know if I sent you one of the things of it. Pull the picture of me and the Rizzler. He's cute as hell. I love this kid. I like the Rizzler. The other one, the other family's a little much. The other dad who's just going boom the whole time. Oh, yeah. That's his whole thing. Boom. I used to say boom occasionally. I used to say boom. And now I don't say it anymore because he's like, it's like he's stolen it. Yeah. Well, once the dad starts doing it, it's like this shit.

What is it? I don't even know how to do it. The reverse Heil or whatever that was. What was that again? What do you call it? The twink? Dab. Dab. The dab. Yeah. I'm so sick of it. Once you see a stepdad dabbing, you're like, all right, it's over. It's not great. Remember this one?

Oh yeah, the kids doing that one? It is funny when the kids do it though. Look how cute! He is a cute kid. I was wondering why you were both doing that. I thought it was a tough guy thing. I sent the video to you, you can roll some of that in the background. It's pretty funny.

This is great. You're on the floor. Oh, dude. We were playing. It was hilarious. Everyone, every legendary Nick was there. Wow. And holy shit, I was coming down with a cold, too, that I didn't realize until, because you run in full court. Yeah. For them, it's nothing. Some of them are retired, so they're a little out of shape. But I'm playing with Jamal Crawford. This guy's been out of the league two years. He dropped 50 in a game a couple years ago. He was still good. Wow. So he's in incredible shape. And I'm like, fuck.

I'm like really winded, but I'm like, I'm normally winded, but I'm like, wow, I'm like really winded. After the game, my friend's like, dude, you're like, yeah, there I am. It's like, you're like phlegmy as fuck. Oh, right. The Rizzler. But, uh. Wait, I think I saw New York Nico, was that? No. What's that guy's, that guy's.

He does like the food stuff. Couges. Meals by Couges. Yes. Is that how you say Couges? He was cool. And then I saw Vinny from the Shore. I was explaining Gary does, because you know Gary Veeder on the road wants to do Gary Doesn't Miss. And I'm explaining this to him and he's like, yeah, it needs a hook. I'm like, that's what I've been doing, Gary. Needs a hook. Yeah. Whoa, nice layup. Hey. John Wallet. Wow. Good times, dude. Whoa. Nice. Who needs Vincenzo anymore? We got you. We got you.

Look at this. Fun times, dude. Special Olympics. Here we go. This is adorable. Big Justice and the Rizzler. Now, they got to give you a name, like Bagel Man or something. We need something for you. The Flying Locks, Poppin' Locks. Yeah. No, good times, though, man. I mean, and it's like 9,000 people there. Wow. It's crazy. That's great. He looks familiar, too. Yeah, he's like a basketball influencer guy. Yes. Allen Houston legend.

Wow. Spree well. Spree well. Yeah, pretty cool. Look at that. The kids are out. You're signing shit? This is amazing.

Now, what is this? This money goes to... Love Your Dreams. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's good stuff, man. Wow. Yeah, but... Cup of Liberty over there, maybe? No, some of the women are really good. Uh-huh. Some of them are cooking, man. Good time to be in New York. Hell of a time. This is incredible. Hometown boy makes good. This is great. Is the Rizzler from here? They must be. He better be. He might be Long Island. Probably Jersey. Okay. Heels Jersey. Doesn't it? I could be wrong.

The dad the whole time going, boom! We get it. We get the game. Everybody overdoes it. Remember Emeril? Bam! Bam! Everybody's going to have a thing and they always overdo it. Comedy. He was working. Yeah, there it is. We bring the boom. I mean, this shit's huge. It's fucking, it's kind of, it's a bit much. We're going to bring the boom!

Yeah, good for them. It's a family affair. His dad is massive. Wow. His dad's on roids. He must be. He's huge.

You know what this fills the void of local car ads? You know those local car ads like, come on down to Crazy Willie's. We got sales that'll make a hooker shit or whatever. And that kind of went away. And these guys fill that void of having a catchphrase and family. Yeah, this is going to, I wonder how long it's going to last. How long can they possibly ride? It is very one note. Yeah. I wonder how long. But right now, people are like, no one got a bigger pop than the Rizzler. Wow.

Like, there were Knicks legends there, and then people were like, the fucking Rizzler? They let it ride. You can't beat being a Knicks legend. I know. This is crazy. Oh, is this the Savannah Bananas? Oh, these guys are huge. They're pretty cool. It's fun, man. I did a BP with Bert at their...

at their stadium. Oh, yeah. Burt almost missed the gig because he wanted to bat leadoff as like a gag. That'd be the funniest reason to stand up your fucking fans. Yeah. He's like, I want to get a single in a fucking... I'll tell you. We did batting cages. Burt can hit. Burt's an athlete. He's good. Yeah, he's a hell of a baseball player. And skier, by the way. Yeah, I feel like Burt is just like good at stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this is fucking, he's huge. This dad is huge. It's also cute that these kids, if this was my dad, I'd be like, ah, jeez, what are you doing, dad? Get out of here. But these kids seem to be into it, so. They're going to hit like 13. They're going to go through that phase where it's like, fuck off, dad. Yeah, but right now. Right now. But also, he came up to me before and he's like, oh, I know you. We did a gig together. I was like, what gig could we possibly do?

We did a gig? Yeah, what gig did you do? It was like years ago, we did a gig. I'm like, what kind of gig would we have done? I just blocked out a gig where I'm like, boom! We're just flexing. I'm like, oh yeah, I did the flex boom gig. Yeah, maybe you were hammered. I don't know. Either way, the IDF should pick that up. Boom! Another bomb! All right. Hey, that's great. You're helping the community.

And you're out on, you get to do, it's a win-win. It's good for charity and you get to be on the fucking garden floor. We got to find some footage. I'm sure if you can find some footage of Jamal Crawford playing in that game because, dude, this guy is fucking unbelievable. I mean, maybe you can just find any footage of him just to show how unbelievable this guy is. But he's a streetball guy who made the NBA. Not really. He's like an organized player, but he's that type of game. He can handle the ball. Oh, nice. Super nice guy, too. Wow. Wow.

But, uh... What do we gotta do to get Ewing down there? Ewing's part of the Knicks again, dude. They brought him back. What? He's like part of the family now. I forgot what his job title is, but he's doing something for the Knicks. Wow, that's great.

Good to have him back in the orbit. Dude, fuck yeah. I don't know. So, but are you loving the new home right now? I mean, it's pretty great, but it's, you know, this faucet doesn't work, you know, and that light switches out. So there's little things like that. I'm living out of a suitcase. But you, I mean, you have the stuff in there. We're in there. You have the furniture? Furniture's in. But.

But, you know, coats are in one box. My toothbrush is in another thing. I'll tell you, being a road guy, having your suitcase is huge. That's him right there. I mean, look at that. Woo! Shake and bake. I mean, beautiful. Wow. Yeah, dude, living out of a suitcase is fucking...

It's unacceptable. It's hell. But that's our life, too. I know. Even when I'm moved in, I'm kind of living out of a suitcase. Yeah, that's kind of how I am. But I'm saying it worked out because she doesn't know where anything is. But the little shit, like the remote, I just put the remote in a box and packed it and moved. So now I got the TV all set up. I'm like, here we go. I got the cable on.

The Alexa's cooking. The modem's running. Where the hell's that remote? You use Alexa? I do. You're the only dude. What else? You use TiVo? Boom. You use Alexa? Alexa is horrible. I love it. I go, what's the weather, bitch? And she tells you. For some reason, I love that weather. Yeah.

that's all i use it for you're going back to the rizzler wrapping can we get him in here i mean i'm not allowed near him but uh i'd love to get him in here the remote not working is or not having the remote is luckily my girlfriend packed all that shit in a lock so it's like i would have lost it dude women are good but then you also run the risk you tape it to the tv now it's like all fucking great right right yeah it's got that goo on it with

We're no strangers to a sticky remote. But I finally found it. But TVs now, they're all flat and skinny, and you got them on the wall, so there's no buttons. You're feeling it up like a preteen, and you need the remote now. I know. I do miss that. Just...

Not knowing where we need an actual. You have to have it or the TV is worthless. It's so weird. So I finally found it. Now we've been once you got a TV going in this box, it still feels like a home. I know. You know, you're like, oh, we can watch a game or a movie or something. Background. Just having some background. Totally. Fun. Just. Yeah. But also it's like crazy sports season right now. So.

Just having any football, basketball, baseball on. It's fucking great. It's great. It's just good to have it going. You feel like your life is in order a little bit. But backyard, we got turf going down. Turf. Turf, baby. I don't want to mow the lawn. Yeah. So I got turf and then I got a big bed. Like a little hole, a little green going. I'll do some green. A little golf. Good idea. Fire pit. Might get the cold plunge. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I've converted him. Maybe. It'll help me wake up. Bert and Rogan always posting about it. Yeah. And doing it with Bert on the road. I was like, fuck, this is pretty. It works. Dude, I did it this morning. I feel great. Wow. I love it. That's a very white guy thing. I feel like Blackfield don't fuck with Cole Plunge. Do they not? I don't think. Call in. Yeah, Kevin Hart did a Cole Plunge show. Well, I think that's how rare it is that they had to have a show about it.

I don't think that's white people shit. Is it white people shit? Maybe the athletes. Maybe I'm off. You just Googled black person cold blooded. Fucking great Google. I mean, from my knowledge, it's like Chris Rock's joke. When they make a heated hockey rink, we're going to take that shit too. I don't know if they love the cold. Interesting. But if you work out, or if you just want to wake up, man, I just kind of like it.

Do you get a bag of ice? How do you get it cold like that? You get a little tank and put it in and it chills it. You don't want to leave it on for too long. Yeah. But...

Yeah. I spent 500 bucks on mine, dude. Wow. Yeah, it was on sale. It works. Yeah. And you just filled it up with a hose and then hit the tank and it gets freezing? Yeah, dude. That's a little bigger than that, right? That's what I got. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it's just like that. Whoop!

Not everyone puts the hands under. I put the hands under sometimes, but man, it gets fucking cold. Now, how small does the dick get? It's ridiculous. I mean, is it full micro? Oh, it's embarrassing. She...

After I was in there, because it also increases the sex drive, which is such a weird thing. My dick's getting smaller, but then I'm hornier. It doesn't make sense. That could be a bit. The lady was sucking the balls, and I swear to God, I was like, you got to stop. I think my ball went inside my bottle, because that's how shriveled shit gets. Wow, man. And it kind of did, and I kind of tapped, and it came back out. I was like, oh, my God. What is my ball? Is it a turtle's head now? What the hell is going on? It's horrible. It's out of the shell.

But, yeah, no, it's embarrassing. It's definitely one of the things I'm like, yeah, I'm glad I'm alone for this. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like back in the day, if you were like, you know, living in the wilderness, you just jump in naked. Yes. And your friends are like, look at our dicks. Yeah. Look how small our dicks are. It's amazing an Eskimo ever got laid.

Just with that cold water. But all right, because when I work out, my dick goes, I think it's like a safety issue. My dick goes in. Why is that? I think because, you know, it's like fight or flight. And that's when we're naked. It's so weird. I know. So we work out, then we go to the locker room. That's why it's always weird when the guy's just hanging out and you're like, you know what doesn't look good? I know.

I know. I towel up for all you guys. Yes. Because this is fucking not looking good. Yeah. And not looking great for Whitey. My gym was multicultural, so these old white guys are walking around with acorns, and I'm like, you're killing us, man. Cover that shit up. It's the same as when I play in that Knicks game. I'm like, I'm okay for a white guy. Right, exactly. But these Knicks are killing me. Even the Rizzlers are killing me. What the hell? Yeah.

That Rizzler, he's talented. The Rizzler. He's got it. He has it. He has it. I love, I got to be honest, I love that cold plunge. And the problem is you don't want to turn into one of these people that talks about it. Yes. Because it has turned into a cult. You turn into one of these people that like, you know, I was making fun of List when he did the martial arts. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, the guy who starts doing the moves on people. You do a few martial arts classes. You're like, come here.

Come here. Let me show you this move. And you're like, dude, please, no. Yeah, it used to be, because now it's Coldplay, it used to be CrossFit. Yeah. Remember like 10 years ago, everybody was doing CrossFit. Then it became a cult. Then everybody got. It is a cult, but those people look amazing. They look great. I was in a hotel once and it was some convention and they were all there. And I was like, these chicks are fucking hot. Oh, yeah. They're toned. These dudes are hot. Yeah. They all get the V. Yes. Lean down to that shriveled cock. Yeah.

So yeah, it goes ice plunge, martial arts, and then you're bow hunting eventually. We lost you. That is kind of cool. It is. Because at least you're giving the animal, like, look, they don't have a chance really, but they have more of a chance than if you're just out there with like a fucking rifle or something. As long as you don't do the marathon.

The marathon? Yeah, marathon people talk about marathons all day long. I was in line with some of them coming back from Europe. We were in the line going through customs, and a bunch of people had just done the, I guess, was it Berlin did a marathon? Somewhere in Germany. And all these people had the jacket. Oh, yeah. Look, if you do marathons, I respect the hell out of that, though. Sure, just don't want to hear it. I know. It's not a good story. No. What happened next? Did you keep running? Right. Right.

I used to bang this gal who worked at Goldman Sachs. Yeah. And she would run the marathon every year. So we had like a casual sexual relationship. And then she'd hit me up and I was like, oh, maybe she wants me to come over. And she's like, can you sponsor me? And I'm like, now what does that mean? She goes, well, you give me money. And I'm like, to do what? And she's like, so I can run. And I was like, why does the money matter? You're basically paying for the sex. You're right. You were fucking her.

And then she was like, can you sponsor? So you're indirectly paying to fuck her. Well, I didn't pay. Ha ha ha!

She didn't get any money because I kept asking so many questions that she was like, forget it. And I never saw her again. She never fucked me again either. You just didn't respond? Well, I was just like, so wait, I don't get why you need money. She's like, well, I'm in the marathon. That's even worse, the fact that you broke down how stupid her thing is. Yes, and I didn't mean anything by it. I was just literally curious, genuinely curious. I was like, so wait, where does the money go? She's like, well, you sponsor people. And I'm like, to run? Running is free. Your whole thing is stupid. Yes. But I'm with you. You're right.

I still don't understand it, so she dumped me. Does it go to charity?

I don't know. Let's go to charity. Give it a go. I have no idea. It goes to charity. I get it. But yeah, just sponsor you. It's like, I don't get it. Yeah. It must be a charity. I'll sponsor a kid's basketball team or a pizza shop sponsors a little league team. I get that. It helps them pursue their sport, I guess. What the fuck? What the fuck? So you're not sponsoring. Am I buying Asics? How is it sponsored? So I'm sponsoring a white woman who likes to run. Yes. And a child in malaria. Yeah.

That's the two? Yeah, I'll give the money to malaria. How about that? Why am I giving it to the white woman who works at Goldman Sachs? A child with malaria? Did I say a child in malaria? Yeah. Well, it's beautiful. He lives in malaria in the summers. It's a bad place. It's a bad place to live.

The death rate is high. But yeah, financial support for their training. Did you jog? You go out, you run, you run back. You just told me she worked at Goldman Sachs. She's doing all right. You're a struggling comic. It's literally the cheapest sport. There's zero money involved. You don't even need shoes, really.

You do need shoes. I guess you need shoes. You got to have good shoes. All right. Remember when the whole running movement became a thing? Oh, yeah. You go to the running store and they're like, let me, let me. Yes. And you're like, we can figure this out without the scale. Totally. I can figure. The Kenyans aren't even using shoes. Right. There's so many people who like.

Although I do see footage of like these basketball players playing in like the 80s in Converse. Yeah. Like that could not have been good for you. No. No wonder these guys had fucked up ankles. And that's true. Yeah. It hurts me when I walk in Converse. Same. It's like plywood. There's no soul. Those all stars. They look great. But players used to play in these. Yeah. That's crazy. Fucking Pumas. I don't know.

I don't know how the men did it. Like dress shoes. A guy wore... My dad wore black...

Dress shoes every day. Every woman just rolled there. I don't know how men do it. We're so cool. That's true. We have a woman coming in right now. That's a good point. Hey! Oh, you're good. Come in. No, no, don't worry about it. All good. Tina, what's shaking? How are you? Yeah, right there. Hey, Mark. Hey. Nice to meet you. Hi, honey. Good to see you. How are you? I'm fine.

Yeah. We'll take the mic out. Where are you coming from? I was down at Betches, but then I did today's show this morning. It's like, how much shit can you put in one day? It's Hoda, right? It's Hoda and Jenna. Yeah. So I pop in all the time and do a little like spots for them and shit.

I thought it was Popsicle. Oh, my God. I love that we have some Pepsod AC because I literally- Do you want some? I just took one in the car. My acid reflux, I'm like choking. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Take one. Yeah. If you want. Well, I just took one. Can you OD on Pepsod AC? Probably not. Yeah, it won't take too much. Okay. Well, wait. We'll see if the other one-

Yeah, yeah. Get them to sponsor you. We were just talking about, we were just, Mark and I were just complaining about how certain men's shoes are uncomfortable and we had to catch ourselves because women, you guys were like. No, we're all fucking uncomfortable. I mean, I just put on a low boot. I had on a stiletto and I just threw this on in the car. I'm like fucking dying. They look great, but that would ruin me. Two minutes in that, I would kill myself. Can I tell you, I now have really bad sciatica where on my right side, because when I stand on stage in heels, I like tilt to the right. So now my leg just goes numb. Like I,

I have to see a fucking physical therapist. Why don't you wear cool sneakers? Listen, I can, but I like to feel put together. All right. All right? I'm sorry. I'm not a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. Good for you. You know what I mean? Fuck it. Yes. Are we recording? Killing it. Thank you. Full glam. Okay, great. We love this. What else are you doing while you're in town? I'm just jerking everybody off. Being like, listen, watch this special. Yeah, yeah, honestly. I've got giant, enormous hands. I'm really good at it. Oh, that's not good. I don't want to hear that. Never mind.

Take it back. Give me a small Asian lady. Small hands. It is weird. That is a turn off. That big hand? I saw an attractive woman the other day. She had really big hands and I was like, meh. Is this too big? Right camera. Is that okay? Okay. But I have nice like nails so I can like kind of stroke the dick while you do it. You know? Just saying. I'm talented. I got a hand job once on shrooms and the nails and I was like, there's a clog.

It was too much. You can't go around to the backside with the nail. Like you can't fuck with that, but you can like lightly, gently tickle the balls with a nail. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah. That's where I'm at in my life. How are you guys? You're married. I'm married. Yeah. Did I meet?

I think you met Jeff. Yeah back at a machine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we looked it up Matt looked it up and he goes you're married - she's married to Jeff Daniels He was like the actor was like no, she's not married to fucking Jeff Daniels No, but I was doing ESPN yesterday. One of the producers came in. He's like man I just can you please tell your husband? I just love dumb and dumber. I was like I will I did not want like I didn't want to crush his spirit So I was like, yeah, it's that Jeff Daniels. Yeah, but I also

Yeah.

Not the Tom Cruise. This is y'all's fault for not figuring this out. Yeah. It's weird. My uncle's name is Putin. A lot of restaurants won't have us. There's some real estate agent in Dallas and she's insane, but she looks just like me. And it's Heather McMahon and she like sales townhomes and she's got the big fake tits and does the whole thing. And I'm like, I think I might pull her up. Yeah. Pull her up. Heather McMahon, a realtor. She may spell it O-N. Okay. Like,

like realtors realtors are like taking over instagram because we all like looking at well they're good looking well that's me why i play not just that though like a home oh yeah david tell had a bit about like how he's like i'm more turned on by real estate than i am porn at this point like i am too i'll pull on like a website and be like washer dryer there she is here's my girl real estate look that's so dead oh she's so fucking hot i live for her so i would buy a condo from her i would

Go to the back door. Yeah, exactly. And then the rest is just, it's just getting sad. Does she know of you? Come on. I don't know if she knows of me. I feel like she's probably been to a show. She looks like my core demographic. She's in Dallas. Yeah, of course she did. Of course, be at the Majestic soon, Heather McMahon. Yeah, yeah.

I think she's related to Vince. Watch out. So I used to tell dudes all the time in college, they'd always be like, are you related to Vince McMahon? I'd be like, fuck yeah, I am. Don't fuck around. Buy me some drinks. They didn't check the spelling? No, of course they didn't fucking check the spelling. But I used to get free drinks all the time because everyone thought I was a part of the WWE empire.

Wow. Yeah, I know how to milk that. Did you watch it at all? You know, wasn't really into wrestling. Were you a big wrestling guy? No, I wasn't. But the scandal is, I mean, he got his daughter in there. He had a whole storyline where he's having sex with his daughter. Then he cheats on his wife in front of her. Wait, that was one of the storylines? That was one of the storylines. No, the fuck it wasn't. You gotta see it. Oh, you could pull it up. He makes himself the bad guy. Pull up Vince cheats on wife in front of her with Trish. His storyline, he puts his wife in a wheelchair. Weird.

Dude, it is hilarious. You gotta see it. Wrestling doesn't even matter. It's just him being such a psycho. It's funnier, yeah. Poor Linda. Linda McMahon in a wheelchair. Did she run for office? Yeah. Really? And she obviously lost, but she did run. Oh, look at the old, young one. Oh, the rock. The pebble.

I still get hot for the rock. Oh, who doesn't? I mean, he's hot. He was fucking incredible. I smell what he's cooking. Okay, so this is Vince and this is this... Trish Stratus. I hate when it's like the dude. Yeah, I just want to see the raw footage. I'm going to say, here's a peeve. Reaction videos. Yes. Just give us the video. Just give us the fucking video. There's no talent involved. You're just reacting. Just a 9-11 crash. The guy's like, oh, this is fucked up. Two of them are. What the, oh.

What the fuck? Wait. So this is a woman he hired to be his mistress, and there's his wife in the wheelchair, and that's his real wife. You get an idea who's pushing these storylines. No, Linda's in the wheelchair. Also, I wear that exact outfit on stage. So the entire world, so that everybody on SmackDown can get a good, long look at my wife. Come on, Trish, let's go. I'm Billy, eh?

And they ask the wife, how are you okay with this? And she goes, well, it was the storyline, you know? He's the heel. But he is actually cheating on her. They said she's medicated. She doesn't even know she's here, so now she's popping bills. Wait. It's quite an elaborate way to cheat. Even though she's heavily medicated, she's been here. That's real life. I look like Linda right now. I'm so dead inside. No, come on. It occurred to me that...

All right, I feel like we got it. I think it's somebody makes out with the younger lady. The makeout is pretty funny. This poor Linda. I guess she's counting the money. Wait. What?

Oh, I'm uncomfortable. Oh, my God. What is happening? It's a hell of a documentary. Linda gets up and beats this woman's ass, right? No. No, that's one of the turns later on. She does get out of the wheelchair and kick him in the nuts. But what's the deal with the daughter? He fucks the daughter? No, he pitched that storyline, and they were like, no. No. I'm fucking creep. So what is the new Netflix documentary? Because isn't there one about how he's an absolute creep? That's what it is. That's what it is. Okay. But the real...

I'm like Mark. I was kind of a wrestling fan, but casual. Casual. Is anybody really a casual wrestling fan? No, I liked it. Okay, okay, okay. Here's my point. As a kid, I really liked it, but as an adult, I don't watch anymore. But this brought me back. But my friend Mike Lawrence is still a hardcore fan, and he was like...

no, all of us wrestling nerds are like, they didn't go nearly hard enough on him. Oh, really? Wow. I heard he was shitting on chess. Oh, yeah. And he was involved in a murder. Wait, for real? Yeah. The shitting on the chest, I would absolutely believe, but a murder? What happened? Look up Jimmy Snooker murder. Uh-oh. Yeah, the murder Vince McMahon covered up. Whoa! This guy's insane.

Wow. And this is a guy who got you a ton of free drinks. A ton of free drinks. Good. No dates, though, because that was the thing. It really backfired. Guys like, oh, fuck, I don't want to fuck with you. Right. But but a lot of free drinks, maybe roofied a couple of times, you know, but it's a

Have you really been roofied? Oh, yeah. I've been roofied before. What? Really? Yeah. I was roofied once in college. And I was actually at a fraternity party. And I was with one of my buddies who was like one of my best friends. And I had one vodka cranberry and I was down. Down. And it wasn't like – my buddy was with me. So he was like, what the fuck happened? Because I mean, listen, I can handle my liquor. And I literally like hit the ground. I got roofied once. Oh. Yeah. It was fucking crazy. And that's the same shit that happened to me. Yeah. I was immediately like violently ill. But by the way, the drink was not meant for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, I don't... I was at some frat house and they were handing it to a girl and she was like, I'm too fucked up. I was like, I'll drink it. And I just fucking downed it. And that's all I remember. Wow. This is how I know I was absolutely roofied. It was my first drink of the night. It was the only thing I had. Yeah. Damn. And it was at like a Halloween party and I just went down. But shout out to my boy, Obi, who took me home. All right, Obi. Luckily, your dress is Terry Shiver. Yeah.

Dress as Triple H so nobody fucks with me. Yeah. Damn, scary. And Fratos, it's so cliche. It's so cliche. Yeah, and I don't know. I'm not aware of it. Honestly, I think... Do you think they're ever raping someone? They're like, are we hacks? Been there, done that. Yeah.

Oh, God. Yeah, I lived a wild life in college, though, but only roofied really once. What kind of wild life? I mean, I just, like, really leaned in. I was a sorority girl. I did it all. I went to a big SEC college, so I just really knew how to, like, I lived. Mississippi. Yeah, I went to Ole Miss, so I lived, like, the all-American college dream. Yeah, same. Yeah, what did you do to school? Well, I went to LSU. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. I don't know if we can. Did you watch the game this weekend? We might have fucked. Yeah. Actually, I think we did fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it was crazy just going to those games. And we had Tigerland, which was the area all the bars were in. That was what it was called. We also had an actual tiger in a cage you could just visit. And that was like, wasn't it the tiger sometimes like out at the bars or some shit? There'd be a guy who would bring a cage and a car. It was on the truck bed. Yes.

That's the most Cajun shit I've ever heard. PETA hated it. But Tigerland was crazy. And at the end, Tigerland would have a bus that would go around, pick all the drunk kids up so they wouldn't drive and drop you off at the dorms. So the bus was the best party. Of course. Because everyone's hammered by this point. Now we're all on the bus together and we're all making out.

getting blown, fist fights. Just fingering galore. Absolutely. We had the Rebel ride and it was a big white van and then we had this guy because we didn't have Ubers when we were in college. We had this guy named Vern who's absolutely on a no-fly list and he would pick you up in a white van and it was called Angel Taxi and everybody

Everybody's parents gave their credit card to Vern at the beginning of the semester, and you'd have an open tab, and Vern would come pick you up, and you'd get in his literally windowless white van, and he would drive you around Mississippi, and you didn't think twice about it. Wow. Vern's still doing the thing. Even though there's Uber and Lyft now, he's still running into things. Vern also went by BTK Serial Killer. Yeah.

That is hilarious. I can't believe you went to LSU. Well, I failed out. How did you fail out of LSU? I failed out of three colleges. No fucking shit. I failed out of UNO. I'm from New Orleans. Yeah. Failed out of UNO. Then I went to Baton Rouge Community to get the grades up. Then I went to LSU. Then I failed out of there and went to Southeastern in Houma. Wow. Yeah, so I've been all over. My parents made me finish. Yeah. Sounds...

Dirty. That sounds very dirty. Dad, it makes me cum. Yeah, it does. I just wanted to do comedy, so I moved here and my parents were like, you have to finish. So I finished online, which is a huge joke. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay. What's funny, I feel like a degree means so much less now, but to our parents it meant so much. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Ole Miss and Alabama were the only two schools I got into. So it was I thought I was going to go to like Pepperdine and go out and do some like intense theater program. And they were like, no, bitch. Yeah. And so I had two weeks before graduation. It was Ole Miss and Alabama were the only two schools. And I visited Alabama. I swear to God, I saw a guy snort cocaine off a chicken tender. And I said, fuck Tuscaloosa. Whoa. I will not go here. And I said, I'm going Ole Miss. And that was it. Whoa. Yeah. Chicken tender. Chicken tender. That is the least classy way to do cocaine. Amen. And people think I'm making up. I was like, no, no, no. I was 18. And I saw it.

Wow. I can't figure out what race that is. I'm trying to put that together racially. He was white. And he was like a 10th year senior at Alabama. I was just like, I can't do this. Whatever happened to a mirror? Chicken tender's got all the grooves in it and stuff. Right. And you know what, in Alabama, not Ole Miss, I mean, we have like those thick, juicy tenders. It wasn't like a slim tender. It was a thick, greasy tender.

day it's a balanced meal i guess there you go so yeah but i'm sorry no go ahead old miss is beautiful we used to go to foam parties there fuck yeah beautiful campus like old southern you know like slave shit yeah you know plantations and all that but it's so pretty and the trees it's a beautiful he's getting more descriptive uh yeah they're doing our work for us we weren't paying them well we had a tiger in a cage they had something else yeah yeah actually when i looked

back like my sorority house I was a Delta Gamma we lived in this like beautiful house and then we'd have James who was our like house manager he would run everything in the house and on Fridays we'd all be so fucking hungover because date nights and like party nights were Thursday nights so we'd have Friday so literally he would play the piano and he'd be singing like Amazing Grace and there'd be all these like white sorority girls laying hungover

hungover in the floor and the like the other women who worked in the kitchen would just come and like lay hands on you like exercise the demons and then like feed you hush puppies and he's just like I mean when I look back it was super fucked up but those that was my crew that's a good time are you from Georgia originally I'm from Atlanta yeah oh nice yeah and you still live in Atlanta I still live in Atlanta hell yeah I moved back to Atlanta a while ago I was living in the city but pandemic hit and I was like

I want some space. Yeah. So I live on a golf course, you know, next to a country club. Like, it's good. Good for you. It's good. Now when I come back to New York, I stay at a nice hotel and I don't have to schlep for four days and I go to all my favorite restaurants and I, then I, What are your favorite restaurants? I mean, all the nice ones that you can't get into, you know what I mean? So, You have Daniel's here. Yeah, exactly, exactly. No, I mean, I love Il Bucco,

We went to Fort Charles the other night, which was insane. Yeah, it's crazy. So worth it. And what I like about Fort Charles is like the guy who's waiting on us was named Brandon. Brandon immediately like halfway through, I was like, dude, I'm going to need a heater after this. And he pulled out a new port out of his pocket. And I was like, my man. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. It was that kind of service. Where else? We go everywhere. We just, I like to dine. Sure. That's my hobby. Yeah. I mean, that's insane. Look at that.

Yeah. Do you get the bacon on it or no? Oh, I get the bacon on it. And we got the steak, which was insane. The French dip's insane. Oh, I love a French dip. I did a show at Peter Luger last night. Wait, at Luger? Really? Yeah, well- How was that? Those pop-up guys, David Levine and- Yeah, those guys are good. But now our whiskey, Mark and I, our whiskey bodega cat- Hello, Hooch. Hell yeah. Is now going to be at Peter Luger. So we were all- Congratulations.

Thank you. Shout out to Stefan, who's a big We Might Be Drunk listener as well. Thank you, Ben and Haley, for having our whiskey at Peter Luger. Stefan, one of the bartenders there, was like, I listen to every episode. I was so mad. Strip House got the negative gap before we did. Yeah. But we... Yeah, we're fucking...

Let me see the bodega cat. I want to see this. Take a swig. Is it hard getting into the liquor biz? I feel like there's so much red tape. It's crazy. We've been struggling, but we got a guy to help us and he mediates all of it. Congratulations. We don't know what we're doing. The acid reflux is still pretty tough. We can make you a Pepsi martini. Honestly. You know what sucks about acid reflux is everything good is acidic.

Everything. Coffee. I know. Tomatoes. Cigarettes. Cigarettes. It's true. Shrimp cocktail. Everything is too acidic. Citrus. Yeah, it's everything. Congratulations. Look at that bodega cat at Peter Luger's. That's huge. Hell yeah. That's pretty iconic. Yeah, we were...

It was great. Soda was on the show. Oh, nice. We had a fun night. All right. I got to ask, back to Hotlanta. Hotlanta hit me. Which I know no one says. No, can I be honest with you? I say Hotlanta. Okay, great. As a native Atlantan, I say it. It's fucking hot. So if you're like, it's Hotlanta, yes, that's an accurate description of it. Love it. Well, first we got to talk about Johnny's Hideaway. The best bar in the world. The best bar in the world. It's cougar heaven. Yeah.

I mean, the bartenders literally wear T-shirts that say Got Cougars. People don't know about it. Johnny's Hideaway is like... I haven't been to it. What? Have I been to it? There's a line out the door every Saturday. It's hard to get in, but it's old school. Mirrored dance floor. They play the best music. It is such a vibe. You can still smoke in there. Great chicken tenders. It is my favorite place. In fact, after my dad's funeral, all my friends took me to Johnny's Hideaway. We celebrate...

Sad times, good times, all the times at Johnny's. You need a bar like that. Look, Clint Eastwood's there with, is it Prince Harry? Good times. It's red, it's velvety, it's wooden. It's just killer. It's a great dive. Man, I'd be pretty badass to serve Clint Eastwood a drink. Yeah. So, definitely. And then I got a- He's still alive. 94. Wow. Wow.

He's 94. He's still making shit. I know. I know. It's crazy. Some of these directors now, like, isn't Ridley Scott's making a new Gladiator? He's fucking 87. Jesus. Jesus. Biden's got to see that and go, damn it, I don't have it.

But then we got to talk about the Claremont. Another great establishment. I've been there. Staple. That hotel is great, too. So, you know, the main gal who dances there, she got a breast reduction. No. And she used to crush the beer cans with her tits. Yes, yes. And we actually, again, we go there all the time. And shout out to my favorite dancer, Coco. She's phenomenal. Is that Blondie who got the- Yeah, Blondie. Yeah, Blondie used to crush the Coke cans. And we were there like maybe two years ago. And someone was like, do the can thing. And she's like, fuck you. I got my tits done.

and I can't do the cans. But we go there, I mean, every other month. Like, it is just an Atlanta staple. It is. It's a great spot. It's cash only. It's like Clapton not playing Layla. Exactly. I know. Yeah. That's your thing, the titty beer can crush. It is kind of gross, though. No, it's fantastic. And I love going to strip clubs, like really good strip clubs, because I guess because I have a raspy voice and big tits and blonde hair, everyone thinks that I used to dance. So I get really,

really VIP service. They're always like, girl, I know you. I don't know where I know you from, but I get free lap dances. Like I really get treated like a queen. Where do you get recognized the most? Uh,

Where? I mean, you know, probably a fucking Nordstrom Rack, like wherever a bunch of women are like fighting for their lives. That's where I get recognized. I mean, obviously in the South, like I've got a really strong Southern audience. But it's funny because we I told you this before we were on a flight together and we hadn't met yet. And it was such a great example of how different our audiences are.

You're sitting in front of me in first class and this guy gets on and he's like, fuck yeah, Sam. Fuck you, dude. Fucking love you. Like just screaming, go fuck yourself. A fan gets on, sits right across from me and she goes, oh my God, Heather, you have to stay at my hotel. It's called the Dewberry in Charleston. I'll hook it up. Room's for free. I love you, bitch. And I was like, it's just such a different... Your fans are giving you shit. My fans are giving me shit. Mine's coming to get fucking bent. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, you know, women are wild though because I don't know...

I don't know how your fans are, but women, they'll just get backstage. Oh, yeah, yeah. In your dressing room, you're like, how the fuck did you get back here? Really? Yeah, because they're not threatening to security. Right. I had this exact thing happen to me. You've got to get a bigger female audience. Yeah, I do. Well, I have three. Okay. But I did a show in Chelsea last week. Paul Rudd is in the green room just randomly. And I'm like, oh, my God, Paul Rudd. He's so handsome. He looks great. And I did a set, and I get off, and he goes, hey, funny stuff. And I'm like, oh, I'm talking to Paul Rudd. And this woman barges in the green room and goes...

I gotta say, I've seen you three times this week. You did the same material. I'm upset. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm talking to Paul Rudd. And how the hell did you get back here? But Paul Rudd's like, oh, fuck this guy. Wow. And everyone had my chances of blowing Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd is boys with our friend Peter Schrager, the sports cast. And I did the Night of Too Many Stars thing for Robert Smigel. There was a dropout, obviously. And I ended up having a mixed set. I shouldn't have closed in a dead baby joke. Maybe it would have been a benefit. But you know what? You live by the sword, you die by the sword. And I got off. And it's a weird feeling when that last joke doesn't hit. I just look over and Harvey Keitel is like this.

And then I look over and Steve Buscemi's like, and then I look over and Paul Rudd is doing this. Ah!

And I was like, thank God for Paul Rudd. He's a cool dude. But this lady was just ruining my vibe with him because she's basically calling me a hack. But she's a fan, clearly. I know, but I'm like, how did she get back here? But she was non-threatening. But sometimes when people are too big of a fan, they know too much. Yeah. Right. And sometimes they don't understand. You've got to pad some of that material. Yeah. But because I got that in London, too, where people were like, I've heard some of these jokes. And I'm like, what?

Well, it was like over 40 anew at a certain point. I got to make it a full show. What do they expect? You're also running the fucking material. Exactly. That is how you do it. You work on it. I know. Like, what do they want? I had a woman. It's rare. This is rare. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. I had a woman come back to one of my, she's stuck in my dressing room. I was doing a show in Indianapolis.

And she just went up to security. And, you know, like, a lot of my fans, they dress up. Like, I like to... You know, I always show up on stage, like, really dressed up. And so, you know, the security guard just saw another white woman, like, coming through. And she's like, oh, I'm her cousin. I'm good. She said, my name's Lane. I'm good. And so they let her through. And I...

you know, I get off stage and I sweat like fucking Cat Williams. Like I need a beach towel to like ring out after I'm done. So I immediately strip off like my costume, if you will, my glitter suit. And I'm standing there butt fucking naked. And this girl just goes, I found you. Oh my God. You know what you don't say to somebody? I found,

- Oh my Lord. - So I kind of paused a second and I said, "You sure did. Hold on one second, let me put on some underwear." And I turn around and she goes, "Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna touch you." I said, "That's the second thing you don't say to someone." - Yes, yes. - And she was hard on us. - Buffalo Bill was more subtle. - Yeah, yeah. - Ridiculous. - Put the lotion in the basket.

I said, how did you get back? She's like, I just told security, like, I was your cousin. My name's Lane. And I was like, well, honestly, good for you. She's like, now we have a party bus. Do you want to get on? There's like 200 girls on there. I was like, no, I don't. I want to put on a fucking bra and have some chicken tenders. Leave me alone. Right. Yeah. That's the weird thing about fans. They know everything about you except the fact that you don't want to hang out with them. You know what I mean? This is like the one thing. I feel like most of the people that stop us are so cool. Yeah. Most of the people know. That's true. But like, but I know you mean like the one person who's just like,

who just like, yeah, sneaks back there and lied to your family member. Like, you don't know that that's not cool? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But they think, he'll want to hang out with me though. You know, it's me. It's me. I'm Carl. I'm fun. Part of me does kind of respect it that you're doing something insane for the story. Yes, yes, exactly. I like my girls because they have money. So I get nice gifts. You know, I'll lean in. I get really nice stuff monogrammed. You know, I get some jewelry. Oh yeah, my girls know how to treat me right. I get like half a bottle of whiskey. Yeah.

They're like, I drank the first part of this, but it's high west. It's good stuff. I get homemade edible cake or whatever. So this is a cake I made with a lot of weed in it. I'm like, so there's drugs and you made it? This is a weird combo. Would you feel weird about taking a baked good? I do it all the time. Yeah, me too. I do it too. I mean, it's like when the sugars get low, I need that sweet treat fix. Same. That's my downfall. It really is. Like a warm chocolate chip cookie with perfect taste.

I'm at a salt on top. Fuck me up. I mean, if you wanted to kill me, put a little fentanyl in that and I'll eat it. There you go, folks. A Levain box of cookies with fentanyl. It's a wrap. That's it. I love those. They're so fucking good. What's your vice on the road? Like, can you drink and party on the road? I drink and party on the road too much. And then, you know, you stay up late. Then you hit the diner. Now you're eating a fucking meatloaf at 4 a.m. Now you ran out of Pepsin AC. Yeah. The whole fucking thing. So is the booze. The late eating hurts me almost as much. That's the age I'm at.

The late eating hurts almost as much as it does. Right. I'm right there with you. Ice cream, too, will get me. Oh, that's the local ice cream shop. It's been open for 400 years. I'm like, all right. Salt and straw. Yeah, the IBS flares up. Now you're shitting yourself right before you go on stage. Yeah. That's what I'm trying not to do. I'm trying not to shit myself before I go on stage. Has it ever happened where you've had a bathroom incident and you're like, this is, the opener's got to stretch? You're like, I'm not going to make it. I mean, for sure, because what do we do? We eat out of clubs and theaters and airports. Yeah.

I mean, at one point, like, I can't look at a sous vide egg bite from Starbucks anymore. I know. Because I live off those. I do, too. I kind of like them, though. I do, too. I mean, you know, you're like, okay, I'm just going to get that pure protein, but there's so much sodium. You can't get your rings off, and you just feel like you're choking yourself out. Yeah, I have diarrhea every day of my life. I should be thinner for the amount I'm shitting. I am not. Those egg bites are great to do coke off. Yeah, truly, truly. Yeah. But my wife's a diarrhea machine. I love that. That's what we all call her. Yes.

basically one of those uh those coffee machines at a barista place but on draft cold cold brew it's hot brew but yeah we'll go to a hotel and it'll say like uh hey you can't come in this hot tub for two weeks after you've had diarrhea so she's like i just can never go in a hot tub so i've never seen my wife in a hot tub yeah she does a whole joke about it i don't

do well in hot tubs though period it gets too hot too quick you know and I like to booze if I'm getting in the hot tub I want to have about three glasses of red wine and that's the worst combo you can do is red wine and a hot tub I'm not even a bath girl either like do you enjoy a bath no that's Matthew Perry territory yeah

Yeah, it doesn't end well in the bath. No. It never ends well in the bath. No. But I'm tall, and when you have big tits and you're tall, the water never really keeps your tits warm because they just kind of float. So you're constantly, no matter what, you're never really submerged. Right. It's not comfortable or relaxing for me. It's like icebergs. Yeah, you just have hard nips. It's not fun. Right. I agree.

I agree. I can't get clean. Then you're just swimming in your own filth. I don't get it. And then you got to take a shower afterwards. I was like, should have done that in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a bath. You know what doesn't work? I tried having sex in a tub, which is a huge mistake. You end up just doing standup doggy style in the tub. It's ridiculous. Done in the shower. Never done in a tub. Shower.

But one of you is cold. One of you is cold, and you're losing some lady lube down there. You're losing lube, and then when you get out and you move it to the bed, you're both soaking wet, and then a lot of queefs can happen because there's too much air, and there's too much water, and then your husband's calling you kitty queef, and it just really takes you out of the mood. Yeah. So I get that. Chief queef. Chief queef. Yeah. I'll tell you what, nothing worse than a queef. Nothing better and nothing worse. You love a queef?

I wouldn't get so queefed up, I say. It's just goofy. It is goofy. Queef for Sutherland. Yeah, I mean, it looks like, pull up a video of Barney from The Simpsons burping. I thought you were going to say queefing. No, no, no. But his lips do a thing and it looks like it reminds me of my wife. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Just give me that burp. Yes. Hold on.

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Oh, it's no video. Damn it. It's a reaction video. You know what I'm talking about. Yo, that was crazy. Barney burping. Ah, shit. Barney burps season one.

The Simpsons are so great because you just don't realize. You're like, oh, Barney, that's a funny character. And you get older, you're like, that's a really dark character. Booze bag, alcoholic, yeah, who has nowhere to go. There, there we go. That's it. That's an accurate queef. There we go. Wow. Thank you for that visual. I really appreciate that. The Plow King, yeah, the best. Yeah. Still on the air, by the way. Oh.

There you go. Let it rip. Perfect timing. So how the hell did you get involved with the Falcons? Because I want to get involved with the Saints. Oh, I've got some... We'll make some calls. Oh, really? I have actually a lot of touch points to norms. You're like a sports person. You like sports. I do like sports. I mean, my husband's an absolute addict to the point where it's like, you're not the fucking coach. Like, nobody can hear you screaming, like, let it go. But no, yeah, I love... Shout out to the Falcons. Yeah, they brought me out. That's amazing. You know...

I mean, listen, again, I went to an SEC school, so I'm a diehard Ole Miss fan, but I'm involved in like, you know, dude shit. But it was funny being at the game. So like I'm in a VIP area or whatever. It's literally myself. It's a little John. It's Quavo. It's like, who else was there? It was all Atlanta rapper royalty. And then there was me with my full blowout. Go dirty bird. Right. Yeah. Were they cool? Yeah, they're great. Yeah, they're awesome. That's amazing. Atlanta's.

I'm so proud to be from Atlanta. I love it. I know a lot of people like, they're always like, oh, you live in Atlanta? I'm like, yeah, that's my fucking town. Like, it's just good people. I love Atlanta. Great comedy town. Yeah, great comedy town. I think their fans are a little too nice. Like, I was watching the Giants when the Giants were on that hot Super Bowl run. Right. The second Super Bowl, I was with

maybe it was the first, I don't know. It was, I think the second I was with Josh Gondelman in Atlanta and I had my Eli Manning jersey with me. Go to the bar. I'm expecting everyone to be like, fuck you pussy. Get the fuck out. Everyone was so friendly. I was like disappointed. I wanted people to be a little meaner, you know? But they also saw Eli. So half of them probably went to Ole Miss too. So they're like, hotty toddy. We get it. We love Eli. Yeah. Yeah. I was in a, um, the sorority with, uh,

Eli's mom, Olivia. So I love the Mannings. They're good people. Damn, she's young. Yeah, I know, right? But yeah, they're really good people. From New Orleans, by the way. So I grew up with, you know, the Raging Cajun, Bobby Abiff. Oh yeah, sure. So I grew up with his kids are like my best friends.

And so, um, we're really big Bobby a bear fan. Oh, local legend, local legend. He's always like, Oh, you don't want to come down and you want to try to the hot wings at my restaurant. He has this place called the raging Cajun. Yeah. Not James Carver. It kind of sounds the same. He goes by the raging Cajun. I know. And he is from Louisiana. Do, um,

Bobby Hebert, H-E-B-E-R-T. Yes, the H is silent. Yeah. It's French. He's a fucking legend. He used to pick me up for carpool, and I'd have that thick New Orleans accent. I have no idea what the fuck he was saying. Yeah, yeah. He went by Vern in Angel Taxi. He'd be like, how do you want to go to Dunkin' Donuts? And I'm like, what the fuck did your dad just say, Kim? He's like, you know what? Go get some munchkins at a Dunkin' Donuts. That's pretty good. Yeah, there's Bobby. Oh, he's a dream. When I was a kid, every mom...

Was into Bobby Hebert. Of course. Yeah. He's a hunk and a half. And there is his place. Bobby Hebert's Cajun Cannon. That's it. I'm sorry. He's not the Raging Cajun. He's the Cajun Cannon. There you go. Because of the arm. Yeah. He had a cannon. So you love, what are your favorite places to play in the South besides Atlanta? I mean, listen, Nashville is, I think, one of the best comedy audiences. I love Zany's. I love playing the Ryman. They're just like good. Yeah. Well, Lucy's the best. Have you done the Ryman? Oh, yeah, I did. Wow.

The Ryman. Beautiful. One of the best. Did it last, just on the last tour. But the, okay, this is, you know, first show at the Ryman, amazing. My second show, in the middle of the show, somebody who's running concessions, the popcorn machine overheated and all the alarms started going off. But there was a tornado, like we're on like tornado watch or whatever in Nashville. So everybody fucking panicked and thought the tornado was coming. Ah,

So we all had to evacuate, but then everybody came back in and we finished the show and they were literally like, sorry, that was a popcorn machine. In the middle of the show, we had to evacuate. What a horrible reason to evacuate. I know. I know. I was like, oh, hit the deck. A tornado's coming. We're all going to be survivors. We'll have a story to tell. I'll get 10 more minutes of material. But no, it was just some bitch. Wasn't keeping an eye on the popcorn. Redenbacher. It happened to me in Sacramento once where it was like,

you know, they were like, we have to evacuate. And I was like, I was at the punchline and I was like, all right. And they were like, oh, it's just the thing. We can't turn it off, but we, yeah, we smoke alarm. Yeah. And I was like, oh, what do we do? And they're like, not that we just have to like give everyone a refund. And I was like, so I felt horrible because a lot of those people, we, I was just like hanging out with everyone from the show.

And they were like, we got a babysitter. This is the only night we can come. And I was like, I'll hang with you guys for like an hour and a half. We left the Sacramento. We were doing a show. I walk out and we see that there's cops everywhere. We're coming back down the back alley of the theater. And they're like, hey, just give us a second. And so Tina was with me. She pops on. She's like, hey, are we good? Can we slide out? And they're like, no, you just missed a drive-by shooting literally 30 seconds ago. What?

Fresh bullet holes are like, we still have our guns drawn. We literally need to put our guns down. You're okay. And just give us a minute. We had to sit in the car. We missed a shootout by like 30 seconds. Holy shit. Yeah, and we were in the theater, so you couldn't hear anything. Right. And they're like, man, wow, wild timing. Yeah, we almost died. We almost died. They got that soundproofing right. Can you imagine being on stage? You guys are like, oh, fuck. Oh, they got me. In the early days, I would do a lot of firehouses, firehouse gigs. Did one in Long Island.

Bombing horribly. The firemen hated me. Alarm goes off. They all had to jump up, jump in the truck. I got saved by the bell. I was bombing so bad. I was like, thank God his house down the street is on fire. Thank God these people are going to die. So I'm not dying. I was done. Where do you like to perform in the South? Well, I love Atlanta. I love Florida's fun and so is Texas. Yeah.

Yeah, everybody in Texas is a good time. I can only do like Northern Florida. I'm not a Miami, Fort Lauderdale. No, no shame. I like Fort Lauderdale. Miami is tough. They're not comedy people. They're not comedy people. But like Tampa, oh. Love Tampa. I am obsessed with Tampa. Those are always my favorite things. I'm thinking about doing my next special there. There's something about the Tampa theater. Great theater. It's a beautiful theater. And it's like Tampa people, like you'll never hear them groan. No. No.

Nothing offends these people. They're great. They're sick fucks. Last time I was in Tampa, Bill Burr was playing in another theater around the corner, and I just see him walking down the street holding a sad pizza, just kind of walking by himself. I was like, I'm not going to stop and say hi. I know he's in the zone. But I was like, we're all just grinding it out in Tampa. That is the beauty of comedy. You see one of the greatest comics ever at the peak of his powers, and he's still just having a sad...

That road pizza. But he's sober, too, so that pizza's all he's got. Yeah, true. True. When he did our pod, we were like, what do we do? He's sober. Like, what do we do? Yeah. And Mark's like, root beer floats and a cigar. And I was like, fucking genius. He loves the float. Honestly, we don't talk about root beer floats enough. Amazing. I think we need to rebrand them. They need to have some sort of marketing moment. Root beer floats are fucking delicious. Delicious. I grew up with a Barks root beer.

with a scoop of vanilla or A&W ice cream. But yeah, in a mug? Come on. Oh my God. That's what killed Ralphie May. No. I like the orange soda flow too. That never got into the orange. Oh, Creamsicle? Hell yeah, Creamsicle Vox. Yeah. What do you like to play, Sam? I like... Well, Mark just said I love Texas. I love parts of Florida, as we just said. I love...

Atlantis killer going back to the tabernacle. That's going to be great. Love that. I think Durham's great. Durham's great. Raleigh, that area. Charlotte's great. Oh, yeah. Charleston's great. I'm probably not going to be able to hit there until the fall, but that was killer last time. I'm trying to think what else is. The South is having a moment comedically. Thank you. We got you, Theo, Nate, Leanne.

Morgan. I mean, Nashville's popping. Austin's popping. You know, it's really. Tulsa. Tulsa. Last time I did it was killer. Oklahoma City's fun too. OKC's great. OKC's very good crowds. I love Kentucky too. Kentucky's great. Lexington. I shot my first special in Lexington. Where'd you shoot it? The Lexington Opera House. Nice. Pull it up. Pull it up.

She's a beaut. I love Lexi. I love shadow comedy off Broadway, Jordan Club. Kentucky doesn't get its due. It's like rolling hills, the horses, the bourbon. I love it. The bourbon trail. It's a vibe. It's like what other countries, if they want to see America in a fun way, like the bourbon and the fucking, you're right, Keeneland, the racing. Oh, yeah. But do you feel as a native NOLA guy, I feel like it's so different.

I mean, I consider, obviously, Louisiana is super, obviously, it's the South, but that's a whole different lifestyle. I think it's the most unique American city, for sure. Without a doubt. All right, I'll take it. Are you a big Mardi Gras guy? Big Mardi Gras all the time. I will say, not the best comedy town. It's got a little of the Miami thing where they just want to party, they want to drink, they want to yell, they want to dance, so they don't want to hear about your therapy bit. Yeah.

Well, when I played there recently, I was worried because I'm like, okay, they're going to be so fucked up. And then I realized everybody from there is just a seasoned alcoholic. They were a lot more tame than I expected. And I was quite impressed. I was like, oh, I forgot. Y'all have been drinking since you were like nine and a half years old. So you know how to handle your liquor. Like these women are like fucking vets. A little more energy, but you're like, oh, no, this is every day for you. Yeah. I always say Jews have bar mitzvahs. Ours are DUIs. That's when you're like, oh, I'm a bar mitzvah.

Become a man. I'm 13. I had a DUI. I mean, we would drive from Ole Miss down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. As soon as you cross into Louisiana from Mississippi, you have the daiquiri stand. Oh, yeah. And as long as you don't puncture the straw through the cup, you can't get a DUI. Yeah.

So you just pop the lid off. You get pulled over. Your mouth is stained like electric blue. And you're like, I'm a good officer. It's funny. You're getting more alcohol, actually, by drinking it that way. 100%. But yeah, when I was a kid, you'd get in a cab and the guy had a beer between his legs. That was completely normal. I remember.

being in those. That was crazy. It's too lame. I got one more for you. Yeah, hit me. Knoxville, Tennessee. Killer. Love Knoxville. For some reason, it was like one of the hottest shows last year. Going back to the Bijou Theater again. Love it. Okay, but here's the thing. I got chased out by a fucking ghost at the Bijou Theater. Oh, come on. Have you not felt the ghost there? Holy shit. No, no, no. I'm dead ass. Serious, okay? You know how that dress...

that big dressing rooms at the very, very top of the theater. Yeah. I remember. Well, we were, the crew was like, Hey, we're going to go out and close out. Like you guys take your time or whatever. We're like, yeah, we're just going to sit and eat. And they were like, you know, beware the ghost or whatever. I'm not even kidding you. We, I felt a coldness. I have never felt before in my life. And we were chased out by a fucking ghost. Come on. Yeah.

It's a dark past. What a weird thing for a ghost to do. That's what I said. You're just hanging out and be like, get out. It's just like a bartender. You don't have to stay here. Right. Yeah. And then we got really freaked out and we left. And the theater light was on the stage. God, I can't talk. I've done so much fucking press today. I'm stroking it. You want a cocktail? You good? You need anything? You know what I have to do next?

Nightline. Shut up. I thought it was Dateline. My agent called and was like, you're doing Dateline. I was like, who the fuck did I murder? I panicked. I'm doing Nightline. I actually kind of want a cocktail, but I'm like, should I have a cocktail? Is Nightline like a 60 minutes? Do you want us to make a drink or do you want to go straight up? No pressure. I'm not trying to get you to drink here. No, it's fine. All right. It might honestly be nice. Take the edge off. All right. No, no, no pressure. He's going to get some ice. Oh, thank you. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, he's good.

Yeah, but this is completely haunted and it's terrifying. Okay. That is wild. All right. Yeah, you hear about that all the time where they're like, there's always some story like Elvis fucked someone in that coat closet. Right, right. Yeah, the ghost stuff is...

I got to do a midnight tour of Graceland, a private tour. And it is one of the most haunted places on the planet because all of Elvis's fans come and they spread ashes at Graceland. And they told me they were like the hardest thing. The hardest problem that we have is that people will just come and like throw out ashes. So there's like thousands of people's dead relatives spread all over Graceland. Wow. It's like Auschwitz. Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah.

That's horrible. I also did a Graceland tour. That place is incredible. He had so many TVs in every wall. He was obsessed with having a TV on all the time. He had a bullet hole through his daughter's slide on the playground because he would just shoot guns.

The horses, the police collection. He was a cop. Kind of like Moonlit is a cop and he would pull people over for fun. Crazy guy. I'm on a deep conspiracy theory on TikTok that I think he's still alive. I would be very fucking old now, but yeah. How old would he be? I don't know. He's got to be 95. Your producer is literally making me a drink so we can't look this up. God damn it, Matt. You know what's up? I'll open up the tape. It was born in 1935. Almost 100.

I mean, he'd be in his 90s. Yeah. 90, yeah. He'd be in his... 91. Nice, Tina. Tina. Hell yeah. She went to Ole Miss too, but she was the smart one. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now let me ask you this. Do you want it straight up or do you want a cocktail? What do you want? I don't care. What do you...

Are y'all going to drink? Go cocktail. I'll have one if you're having one. I'll have a cocktail. All right. This is actually nice. It's a little harsh without it. Should we do a Boulevardier of Manhattan? What do you want to do? Sure. Well, it's dealer's choice. Surprise me. I drink everything. Okay. Let's do a little Campari and sweet vermouth. Ooh, nice. Yeah. And then we'll get the little shot thing so I can just measure it. Oh, you're going to make it? Yeah. Oh, great. Tina can also make a fierce cocktail. Yes. Oh, hey. Well.

We've lived a hundred lives. We used to bartend in New York. It's simple. I can't wait till the Nightline episode. I was on Call Her Daddy and that bitch. Yeah, I'm literally like, Nightline seems a little official to be in comics, right? Yeah, I'm shocked. I don't get it, but have fun. But whatever. I'm here. I'm...

got my leather jacket on let's do it yeah comedy's in a weird place because like you did call her daddy and so did kamala you know like we shouldn't be crossing paths with presidents but it's just where we're at now you know what i wanted to say this okay everybody was giving alex shit and i said fuck yeah do your thing alex i'm like so trump can go on theo's podcast andrews and that it's okay but then they wanted to give her shit because she talks about like women's issues suck my dick

I'm sorry. Oh, did she get... I didn't know she got shit. Yeah. Oh, she got a ton of shit. And now I'm getting shit from these psycho Trump supporters. Really? Because they're signing in my DMs saying all this crazy shit because they didn't realize I was a comic. Yeah. So they're like, you're filthy. How could the vice president talk when you're on this? And I was like, it was a great episode. Yeah. So go fuck yourself. Blow me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if the presidential candidate wants to come on the pod, you got to have...

You got to have them on. I don't know. That's crazy. Yeah. And Theo told me he's trying to get Kamala. So that would be a nice... Which is great. And he had Bernie Sanders on. I just think it's so insane that people want to throw her under the bus. I'm like, she's a woman talking about women's issues. Right. On a woman's podcast. On a woman's podcast. What do you expect? Yeah. People get so... I always say it's weird. People... Taylor Swift endorsed her. Yeah. And so everybody burned...

Not everybody, but a bunch of people burned Taylor Swift's records. And I'm like, no one burned... Who did? Three old dudes somewhere in fucking Mississippi. Well, they filmed it and they put it on Twitter. It's the same shit you do when your favorite player... Right. The agency burned Kevin Durant's job. And it's like, you end up being fine with him. But my point is, no one burned an R. Kelly record. He had a way worse track record, but you're burning this lady's. I peed on mine. That was how I ended up.

Felt appropriate. I'm telling you right now. Okay. So, you know, I've had a couple of people sign my DMs. Heather, you know, you're in Hollywood now. Like, did you ever get invited to a freak off? I'm like, no, I've never been invited to a freak off. Maybe like a freaking fun taco Tuesday at a sad comedian's house. But I'm like, you think that I would go to P. Diddy's house. Right.

Blow Meek Mill and then still give my agents 10%? Get the fuck out of here. You know what you're doing? You're tickling balls if I'm having to do this shit to sell my soul to the devil to be in Hollywood. My agents and my managers and publicists and all this bullshit better be there doing the same fucking shit. You work the balls. That's your 10%. Good point. Or because I have the acrylics, I'll just scratch it up a little bit. Well, that's what's weird about the P. Diddy and the Epstein.

I'm such a loser. If they invited me to that, I would go. Because I didn't know that nefarious shit was going to... Thank you, guys. I'm such a pedophile that if I got... Here's the thing. I have no... Hey. No, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Go Saints. All right. Hmm. Can I tell you? Fantastic. Very nice. No bullshit. Nice job. Goes down easy. Simple three ingredients. 12 years sober down the drain.

Oh, God. We drink a lot of these. Yeah, that's really good. You should be so proud of yourself for the liquor. I was trying to think like every liquor somebody has tapped that market. I'm like, what could I do? Should we bring rum back? Like I feel like rum needs a moment. It does need a moment. I go to the Turks and Caicos a lot. We could like rebrand some rum runners. Maybe that's my – I feel like rum is kind of a bad name right now because I feel like it's like with little kids or the Caribbean. Yeah.

What do you mean rums with the little kids? Like rum and coke. Oh, okay. Got it. I feel like when you're a kid, you order rum and coke. Yeah. Yeah, I used to drink Bacardi and Diet Coke in my dorm room. There you go. I can't even smell Bacardi. But if they want to give me money, I'll absolutely. Hey. I like a rum old fashioned. There's shit you could do with rum that's pretty good. And I like rum. I like rum. But a good, really good sipping rum as an after dinner drink. So I'm a, I like an aperitivo. I like a digestive. Yes.

And that's always probably why I'm hungover, because I have 18 different types of alcohol every night. That'll get you. The mixing will get you. Yeah. The problem with all these drinks are so sugary. They are. A swizzle, a fucking daiquiri. A pina colada. But a really nice rum on the rocks. Yeah. With a cigarette after dinner. If you're in the Turks and Caicos. Oh, I love a dark and stormy. Dark and stormy. A little ginger beer. Great. Stormy Daniels. That's an underrated one. Yeah. Yeah.

Dark and stormy is good. I went to Hawaii not too long ago and drinking a pina colada on the beach with the sunset, you can't beat it. Nothing better. Nothing better. Yeah. That's rum for you. Yeah. Where do you go when you're not touring, when you're not working? Where's your happy place just to chill? Being home. At this point, it's a boring answer. But it's the truth. I don't leave sometimes. I feel like when I come home from the road –

I'm such an extrovert, like social person. Really? But I am so fucking overstimulated. I won't leave my house for like a full 48 hours. That's healthy. Is that healthy? Yeah. I think you got to recharge. Yeah. That's how I feel. I'm sorry if I came in frazzled today, but it's been overstimulation for the past week. Just running around and, you know, trying to like. I get it. Fucking special and do that shit. Yeah. I just want to like sit and fucking giggle. Yeah. Is this your second special in like a year? Yeah. Wow. How do you pump it out? Um.

I make it up for lost time. You know what I mean? So I also just I was always a year ahead. It's on Hulu. It's called Breadwinner. Oh, hell yeah. Hulu is scooping up everybody. Yeah. Are you the first Hulu special to come out? I think so. I was kind of the guinea pig. Now, they licensed it from me. So I produced it. But I told him, I said, please just give me a date before the election. I said, I don't care what comes out.

I don't want it to come out in November or December. But so I've been kind of the guinea pig. But it's been it's been great. I mean, they're awesome to work with. And they've scooped up like a lot. Yeah. Gaffigan. Yeah. And Tao Lane. Yeah. Roy Wood and Jessica Kirsten. Yeah. Oh, I love her. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Sebastian, too. Wow.

But I will say it's a little confusing when you go on the website or on the platform. You have to like look under movies. It's not. They haven't figured that part out. Come on. Yeah. You have to like. Hulu. Get it together. Get it together. And we got to maybe not call it Hularious. Come on. We can do better. Yeah, we can do better than Hularious. And they have like Huloween. And that was the thing. They're like, I was like, I don't want to get caught with Huloween and I don't want to get caught with the election. Right.

In a month, who killed Diddy in his jail cell? Y'all, what's going to happen with that?

I think what I just said might happen. It's not looking good. This is pretty fucking good. This is delicious. It goes down too easy. This is what I needed. You know, I really appreciate it. Here, here. There it is. Sweet jam. Yeah, but they got Bieber talking. They got J-Lo photos. They got Jay-Z photos. It's not looking great. I think Bieber was a total victim. I'm just going to say, like, for real, I think he was a victim. I think that our talent didn't kick in until, like, the 20s or 30s. Yeah. Imagine being a talented kid.

Well, they don't fuck with comics. No one diddles us. Yeah, because we talk. We talk. We do a whole bit about it. That is my thing. No one's diddled. No one's tried to take advantage. I mean, yeah, I got roofie once in college. I've never had an experience. And maybe because it's like I'm a tall, broad-shouldered woman, but people do not fuck with me. You know what I mean? And I almost kind of feel like a touch left out. Yeah.

I was like, I would like a little touch it, but nobody's ever really, especially in the comedy space, everyone's super nice. I'm like, I'll take it. All right. Right? Yeah, you've never been diddled backstage? I've had women grab my ass and shit on stage, but I don't give a shit. I'm a survivor. Yeah. I lost my virginity to a prostitute when I was 16. Did you really? Yeah, she was like 50.

So I guess technically I've been statutory, but I was in heaven. All you thought was you got this. You want to talk about this? I mean, I've talked about it many times, but I'm happy. I was the king of high school for a month. Exactly. It's very different when a woman does it. Yeah.

It's something that we jacked off to. Right. Yeah. I'm not saying it's not inappropriate, but it's like we want it. It's hard to be like, I was raped, but also I willed this to happen. Right. It's that great Galifianakis joke. He was like, you hear about the 15-year-old who fucked his teacher? He died of high-fiving.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, fuck. Just the whole how he got away with it for so long and to the extremes. But that's the thing. You know, you're a high power guy. You think, oh, I'm good. I'm getting away with this shit. And then I think he just got a dick like high on his own supply. You got to get to the drugs. And then you start to get sloppy and messy. And that's how you fucking get caught. And like drugs, you got to keep leveling up. You know, you need more perks and more value, more kids and more. Yeah.

freaks yeah i never got um i i was never a big i never got into drugs a lot like i love gummies and shit yeah but i coke was never my thing i just same just gave me again diarrhea and as a reflux and like uh you know and i've already got like a chronic sinus infection oh oh what's this his daughter yeah oh that's awkward what so he posted it

See, he's trying to get some sympathy play. This is what they do. This is what they do. Now you're using your own kid for a little pity? Come on. I miss you so much, honey. Pay pity. You couldn't have raped. Yeah. So interesting enough, one of his kids went to my school and I was in charge of like anytime somebody like important would come to the school, I'd give them a tour. And so I would always walk P. Diddy around campus. No way. Yeah.

Because I was student body president like a loser. And I would, yeah, give him tours all the time or like if he was there for his kid's graduation. I mean he was always nice. But when I tell you he probably had like $10 million worth of diamonds on and was like really like bougie private school in Atlanta, like pump the brakes. I mean and his son was always really lovely. But yeah, I mean –

Kind of crazy. Did you get a vibe at all? No, I didn't get a vibe. Again, didn't try and take advantage of me in my school uniform. Yeah, no. And I did not get a vibe at the time. See, that's the funny thing is like someone could be a monster, but you have an interaction with them and they were pleasant. I know. Yeah. You know, I'm sure Hitler, like you saw him at the bank. Hitler was nice. Yeah, he was great. He let me cut in line. He was fine. Yeah. You see Epstein at like a bar and you're like, hey, he bought me a drink. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He got me late. And then you feel guilty. Like he was nice to me. Yeah. I know.

And I consider myself a little bit of an empath. Like I can read people really well. And so I get really –

It hurts me when I meet somebody and I think that they're going to be good energy and then they end up being like a fucking dick. It kills me. It's a bummer. Have you ever met like a hero or something? Yeah, sure did. I don't want to say. I was with you. We go to a bar. She got a whole spread going when we walked in. Oh, hell yeah. We were like, oh my God, they brought us food. And Heather's like, no, I did this. Oh, nice. Here's the thing. And I think that people are so hesitant with like my kindness. I'm from the South.

If you come to my house, there's going to be a full spread. If we're on the road together, I'm going to make sure you're good. And that's not me kissing anyone's ass. That's just who I am as a Southern woman. I'm like, honey, you need an ass too. You need a charcuterie. We're going, his blood sugar's low. We got to get a snap. That's just who I am. If we're doing a gig,

I'm going to always have like, oh, yeah, I rented out the bar next door. Let's go have cocktails. I also like to party. Love it. Yeah, my mom is staying with me right now. I came downstairs and there's a full bagel thing going on. And you're like, oh, this is great. We're nurturers. It is what it is. It really comes from a genuine place. And sometimes people call me like a restaurant bully because I love for people to experience like the good shit. So we went to Fort Charles the other night. I'm like, don't even look at the menu all over.

order everything and they're like okay just people know like put your hands up I'll take the reins because I want you to enjoy the experience restaurant bully is a good euphemism for Karen yeah like the african-american to the n-word don't say Karen that's you a family style order I

I do enjoy having a little bite of everything. Now, you know what I don't fuck with? A fucking tapas place. I hate tapas. Why would I want a small fucking plate? Sing it, sister. I think it makes sense. Sing it. You don't hate it? Because you can just order more. Yeah, but you're racking up the bill. I know, but sometimes they're priced low because you are meant to order more. I don't hate a tapas place because you could order a shitload. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't like the little cups and this and that. It's three olives in a ramekin. I'm like, what are we doing here? No, I don't want like one weird like chicharron, you know, or like a tiny little piece of prosciutto. I want the full spread. Yes, I'm with you. I want the tomahawk. I'm always ordering the tomahawk. Even if I take two bites, I want everyone to have a little taste of the tomahawk.

- Tomahawk. - Tomahawk. - Go Braves. - Hey Jerry. - Best episode. - Oh yeah. - Would you scalp these tickets? - You can't just take something and then give it back. - Yeah, right. - Wait, you're a Mets fan, right? - I'm a Yankees fan. - You're a Yankees fan. - I like the Mets more.

We're Yankees house. I'm a Yankees fan, but I have to admit this Mets team is so cool. And my niece and nephews are Mets fans, so I'm excited for them. And I just love...

It's different for me. Mayor Adams, it's so funny. He's getting shit for wearing a Mets Yankees hat. I saw that. Really distracting from the bigger issue. I wear Hamas as well. But yeah, people were furious about this. And I would never... Obviously, I'm a Yankees fan, but I do...

On some level feel like Yankees fans are kind of more okay with Mets fans than the other way around. Mets fans hate us. Really? Yeah. But I grew up liking the Mets. It was a tough thing for me. Like my friend was a huge Mets fan growing up. So his dad would take us to games. And I was like, I fucking love Mike Piazza and Al Leiter. I love these guys. Yeah. What did he say? Isn't it if you're from New York, right? Usually if you're from Queens and Brooklyn, you're a Mets fan. Yeah.

Right? No, Brooklyn is... Or like if you're Jewish, you're usually a Mets fan. Yeah. Yeah. Brooklyn's a mix. Okay. I don't know about the Jewish thing. No, I'm a Jew. I'm just going off Seinfeld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Bronx is Yankees. Queens is Mets.

Staten Island feels more Yankees. Long Island feels Yankee too. But it's a mix. It's Long Island Queens. That's the thing. That's a good point. So yeah, it's- Westchester's Yankees. My grandfather, I'm a Yankees fan because my grandfather was a Yankees fan. Right. And-

It was like he'd have the hat on. He would show me like old VHS tapes of them winning in like the 50s. Oh, yeah. So I was like, this is incredible. Like it got me into baseball history and I love baseball history. Is that Mickey Mantle and all that? Oh, and Dimash. Yeah, yeah. And Yogi Berra, like these iconic. You know where the word Yankee comes from? Where? Where? What? Two Dutch names, Jan and Kies. And they just combine. It's basically John. Did you get that from Cody Tucker?

Maybe, maybe. Give that a go. I could be wrong. But yeah, I think we got it there. Me and Tina, our periods are synced up. There you go. Yeah, so it's like I hate the Brooklyn Nets and I love the Knicks, but I think also when the Yankees have won so much, the Mets fans are like fucking just fuck you. Yeah. But I love those 80s Mets, Gary Carter and Strawberry and Doc and all those guys. Strawberry. Keith Hernandez, yeah. Yeah.

They were awesome. So when we talked about you, you mentioned, I don't know if we were recording, but you mentioned your weird way of coming up. What was your come up?

So I started here in New York and then I moved out to L.A. But I was like a UCB kid. I mean, I've said this like a billion times. So I always was doing sketch comedy. I started in stand-up. Then I really wanted to do SNL. So I was kind of doing like one-woman show shit and a ton of improv because I wanted to do sketch comedy. And then I went out to L.A. and kept doing that. But I really was like, I got to go back to my love stand-up. Because, you know, it was just –

It's how I started. The first time I ever did stand-up, I was 16. And I was at my prom and I roasted the senior class. So I was a senior and I roasted the seniors. It's a good origin story. It's a great origin story. And actually, you know who gave me my first job? Jeff Foxworthy. What? So I recorded that. Amazing guy. Amazing guy.

the nicest guy and I recorded that video and I went to his house he lived a couple neighborhoods away from me and I literally knocked on his door and I gave him a DVD of me doing stand up at my prom and he was like you're insane I showed him in my school uniform and he was like alright we want to come in and I sat in his living room and I was like just so you know this is what I'm going to do for a living I'm about to

I was graduating in like two years. I'd love like if you could teach me the ropes. - Oh my Lord. - So when I graduated high school, he was shooting his show, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, which was a sketch show. - Yes. - They did stand up and sketch. - I remember that. - It was on Comedy Central. They shot it at the Alliance Theater in Atlanta. So that was my first gig. So I worked for him as a writer's assistant for that whole season before I went to Ole Miss.

Have you told him the story? Oh, yeah. Actually, it's so cool. I get to see him all the time, and I just did his SiriusXM show, and he was like, Heather, he's so sweet, and he's been so kind to me in the business. He's like, listen, I've had a lot of people who said like, oh, my nephew wants to get into comedy or my niece wants to get into comedy. Give me some advice. You showed up in your school uniform with your fucking DVD and said, I'm going to be a star. Opened the doors, and he said, I knew you were going to make it. Wow.

Yeah, so sweet. And I'm writing a TV show right now. Hopefully it gets picked up. Hulu, pick up the fucking show. And I want him to play a very important character in it and make it kind of come full circle. That's amazing. Yeah. I've done the show too. He's so cool. He's so nice. He's so soft spoken and thoughtful and like he's really a man. And he's a great act. I mean like when I was a kid, we had two comedy cassettes that we'd put in the car and one was Cosby's himself and one was How Do You Know You're a Redneck or whatever. Yeah.

we wore that shit out. And one of them isn't a rapist. Yeah. Yeah. Cosby. It was wild working for that show though, because Larry, the cable guys fans were these like, like,

unhinged, deranged, like redneck women. And I would, you know, be running around. I have a little lanyard on that obviously show that I was in production. These women like drop off panties and I'm like 18 years old and they're like, hey, get my dirty drawers. Hilarious. And I was like, you're a stick fuck. I'm just dropping off the Chick-fil-A catering. Leave me the fuck alone. And he was always like, God damn, these women are nuts. It was wild to like bat

off his fans. Well, that was a huge... People forget about that. That was like arenas. They were huge. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour was huge. Ron White, man. Dude, I had to drop off a script at Ron White's house one morning. It was a Sunday morning, like 8 a.m. He answers the door in his underwear and he's like, oh, god damn.

he like kind of looked me up and down. He's like, well, fuck you want to come in? I was like, I'm so sorry, Mr. White. He's like, you want a drink? I feel like you drove over to my house at 8 a.m. on a Sunday because I had to deliver scripts. He's like, you want to come in? I mean, shit, I think my wife's making pancakes. He's like, you want a mimosa? I was like, I actually have to go meet my parents at the country club for brunch, but thank you so much. Like a doll and Bill Ingle, all those guys. They were so, so good. For a second, I thought he was trying to fuck you. Can I be honest with you?

to you. I probably thought he was too, but no, he was actually a doll. He was just like, you came all the way over here. You want to smoke a cigarette? He was very nice. I got to tell you, I'll do the mothership in Austin every now and then, and he's there every night and still killing, still charming. Yeah, he's the best. He's thin as a rail now, and he plays golf all day. He's living the dream. Yeah. Yeah, he's a classic. I mean, his stuff I would listen to with my mom, and she's like, this guy's so good. He's smooth. So smooth. One of the best...

I mean, that whole album. Tater Salad? Yeah. Oh, my God. Cheating in Columbus, that track. I mean, like, so many tracks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was fun. Apparently, there might be a rumor, but he got the law changed where you can't smoke in theaters, but if it's performance...

You can do it. So he got the cigar going. Good for him. Yeah. Yeah. These guys were the best. But Jeff was always just so kind to me. And then I went to college and I was doing it. But I was in Mississippi and, you know, I was doing improv and all that shit. And then I moved to New York after. But I was like and we were in this like really intense conservatory like theater program. And they were like, you know, like, listen, I'm a classically trained actor. I was like, I'm going to go do comedy. And my professors fucking hated it. They were like, no, you need to like die on the fucking sword of art. And I was like, no, I already knew what I wanted to do. And I just said.

Suck it. And I came to New York. Do you want, is there a party that you said you're working on a show? Is a party that like you, you really do want to make a show still, right? Well, here's the thing. I love being, I miss a character work. I want to put on a crunchy wig. I want to smoke menthols, drive a Mazda Miata and tell somebody else's story. You know, even like doing press, it's, it's just so feel self-indulgent all the time and

obviously stand up is my love and you don't have to deal with the fucking bullshit of network execs and all this shit. You know what I mean? It's like, if you put asses in seats, you can go do the fucking thing. You got that right. So that is like the drug. I will never stop doing that, but I would love to put on a wig and play somebody really fucking gnarly. Yeah.

And do that, live that life. So you said you're like characters, the big part of your stuff. Were you like a big Lily Tomlin person growing up? Oh, huge Lily Tomlin person. I mean, one of my favorites of all time. And one of the reasons I really got into comedy was like Joan Rivers was everything. Oh, I love Joan. She was the end all be all. Where is she?

My queen. Number one. So when I started doing stand-up in New York, this is back in 2009, I would go follow Joan around all of her clubs. Really? Yeah. I loved her. You understand, I loved Joan. And I was doing a gig one night and I came outside. I was waiting for her by the door. And I said, Miss Rivers, I don't want to bother you, but I just want you to know you're the reason why I got into stand-up. And she's like, honey, you got a chutzpah. I'm not worried about you. It was actually, it was bad.

Tuesday and she had Mardi Gras beads and she put beads around my neck and I was like oh this is perfect and then I moved to LA and I saw her at a restaurant this was like maybe a couple months before she died and I was in LA and I went back up to her I was like Miss Rivers I'm so good to see you just want you to know like I moved to LA because she was the one who told me she goes you need to go to LA she's got she's like you have a great commercial look go to fucking LA do TV shows you got a good voice so I went there I was like I made it to LA and she's like you're gonna make it I have a really good feeling about you

Yeah, and she died like a couple months later. Man, you got range. Foxworthy and Rivers. I know, right? You're all over the comedy boy. But it is true. I'd say like my style is probably like if Conan O'Brien and like Joan Rivers had a baby or maybe it's like – because I do talk about southern shit, but I'm not like a super southern comic. Right, right. But that's probably more my sense of –

sense of like performance because you're not clean not at all so that there was a void I think because you got you got your Leanne Morgans or whatever who are very religious clean yeah they're great but we need a fun loving Atlanta lady who can put a few back and yeah I like to put a few back and Tyada give a four minute blowjob yeah I did

It throws people off, too, because people always try to like pin Leanne and I together. And we're friends. I adore her. But I'm like, no, no, we're it's two separate. Very different. Very different styles. Yes. Yes. But I think I tapped into a market because I was saying all the things that these like Southern women maybe didn't have the balls to say. They said at their bunco group, you know, but they didn't say it out and about.

Well, the Southern thing is real. Like I go back and you, you even, even Nashville, like my early years, I would realize like, Oh, you guys are kind of buttoned up. Like it's still Bible belty there. And I always had to kind of readjust my act a little.

People forget about it. It's still there. It's still ruminating that Southern religious. They know. God, I'm just getting stroked out. Don't go with Mitch McConnell on it. I know, honestly. Play to a bunch of Southern women and you could really let it rip. The Southern women are like, fuck yeah, go harder. It's the Southern men that I actually think are a little like,

You know, conservative, a little more conservative. Yeah, I agree. Maybe that's just, you know, my experience. But well, it's funny because we are conservative a little deep down, but we party like fucking animals. Yeah. So that's how we get it out. That's true.

I can't really party on the road, though. Really? I don't party that much on the road. I mean, I'll have like two glasses of wine after a show, but I can't drink before a show. I sweat too fucking much. I'm like, I need electrolytes. Like, I need to tap out and get a Gatorade. Right. I do a little too much. Yeah. I don't want to affect the show. I know what you mean. Yeah. I'm the same. I like have a little Manhattan on stage. Yeah. After, but like, especially I'm doing all these dates coming up on the bus. I can't get to you. I don't want to wake up. Like, you don't want to just not sleep.

That's it. And that's what I have to do is I kind of have to drug myself to go to sleep because you know, you get off stage, your cortisol is fucking high, your adrenaline is high. So I started taking trazodones and gummies like it was, you know, just the best. But it's like if you don't sleep and then you have to get up and you're just constantly running on adrenaline, I was starting to go a little fucking crazy. Oh, totally. Do you have any trazodone? Yeah, I got tons of trazodone. Can I buy some from you? Yeah, I got you. I can't sleep either. Our first drug deal on the podcast. Yeah, I got you. Honey, I'm a

woman from the South, if you don't think that Prada purse has loose pills and loose cigarettes...

And a couple gift cards to the Hillstone Restaurant on Park Avenue. You must not know me. I came with gifts. I mean, I'm not a weed guy, but the gummies have saved me with the sleeping. Huge, huge help. You just need to make sure you're sleeping on the road. I know. You know, I'm doing like 10, 11, 12 days at a time on the bus, and it's like you just got to make sure you feel good because those first couple days, my throat's a little scratchy. Let's make sure I'm all right here. And then you're doing crowd work. You're slower if you're not sleeping. You got to get the –

And I was an old egg already. So I had the immunity of a Petri dish. Like I'm always every month and a half is a deep sinus infection. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, we got dates. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you went Nightline. This is so funny. I know. What are they going to ask me? I don't know. They're going to ask you about being Southern? I don't even know what Nightline is. You know Nightline. Nightline is the lighter version to Dateline. I did a show on ABC News, and I thought, you ever just try to be fucking, Mark and I will just

derail these morning shows but you're so good at it thanks you really are y'all go on there and at 8 a.m and you fuck with these people it is nothing brings me more joy than watching clips it's what we did i did one on abc news and i didn't realize it was like a big show yeah and you know my publicist is telling me like you know it's a seven minute pre-tape and i go well if i fuck up the whole interview they gotta air something right so i'm like i'll just ruin every line

And everything she said to me, I'm like, as I'm doing it, I'm like, I'm fucking, I'm batting everything away. At one point, she was like, you know, kind of like, so she kind of made something kind of flirtatious about me. And I was like, are you hitting on me? What the hell are you doing? And then she was like, and I go, I'm kidding. I'm hard. Yeah.

And then towards the end, she was saying, like, you know, my husband. I was like, your husband? This is the first I'm hearing about your husband. And she's like, we're very happily married. I was like, it doesn't seem it. So it was literally a seven-minute interview. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. And they were like, she's furious. And I go, I actually felt bad. I was like, I'm just trying to be funny. I'm just trying to bat this away. But they're like, she's so angry about what you just did. I don't get how these people live like this. These morning people, they have to be so furious.

Fake and phony and they can't have jokes. And the way that they can pivot is so wild. Yeah. It's like some death and destruction and they're like, we got a chili cook-off at Oak Park. And you're like, a school bus full of children just died off a cliff. It cuts, it's like. Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, anyway, coming up next, we got a- Sheila's making pancakes. They're gluten-free. Yeah. But see, I know how to turn it on. Like, I love my girls at the Today Show. That's like my secret fantasy is to be like, you know, a co-host. Like, I just, I eat that shit up. Yeah. I love it. So I'm always going in there and like auditioning, you know? The structure, too, is kind of, for someone who's hitting the road as hard as we all do, like, sometimes you see that structure of a daily life and you're like, this would be nice. Yeah.

I don't think I could ever do it personally, but there is like, you know. It's kind of show business. Yeah. It's a few hours a day. That's honestly why I want to sit and make a TV show for a minute because I want to go to my trailer. I want to be in the same place for a minute. Yeah. The road almost killed me this last year. I need to recharge. That's what-

that's what a lot of like legends will say is like you you're all the old guys tell it don't you I know you're burning yourself out yeah this is a fucking marathon yeah and you know I know I said I wasn't gonna add dates and now they're like you know the special drops and my agent called he's like okay we need new photography new posters because you're gonna do X amount of dates in the spring and I'm like

I just thought I was going to take some time off. Yeah. No, you don't. No, there's never. No. And also all those guys who tell you this, who are like, you could take, like you got to recharge. Yeah. You know, this, you take time off the road, you shoot a movie. I'm like, I think you came up in a different time where you just got to shoot a movie. Oh yeah. This is a different era. You know, like Mark and I've been trying to make a movie for a while now, but like, you know, I have no faith in the system. No. No. How long it takes. I mean, we're gunning to try to shoot it this summer, but like,

Who knows? We'll fucking see. We'll see. We'll try. We got a good group around us. Yeah. You just don't know how long shit could take. Yeah. And then trying to finance anything. And that's why I just like, I did my specials. I was like, I'm not waiting around. I am fucking doing it while I'm on the road. I'm already thinking like, where are we doing the next one? Like, let's just keep the fucking ball rolling.

I'm not waiting. That's the other thing. You got to strike while they are on top. You also have to recharge. So, you know, it's tough. Yeah, so that's why I will give you a bunch of Trazodones when we get out of here. Please, please. I'll Venmo you. But what do we... Let's plug the special. It's on Hulu. Yeah, it's on Hulu. It just came out. But you definitely have to search. And yeah, I'm about to announce tour dates next week. So bring your girlfriends, your wives, your, you know... Hell yeah. All the gays. And you'll have a good time. And I'm doing a cruise, too. Don't even ask me about that. Oh, shit. I'm doing a Norwegian cruise. I'm doing a big cruise.

cruise in April. Wow. Really? Like your own cruise? I'm doing my own cruise. Whoa. Are you going to hit all those Scandinavian countries? No, no, no. We're doing it's actually just in the Bahamas. Oh, hell yeah. Steph Tolove's coming. Adam Ray. It's going to be a fun time. Get the rum ready. Yeah, truly. That's where we're going to launch the rum. Yes. Tina, write it down. We got to call it. We got to start producing rum like tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Let's get ready to rum. Yeah. Well,

All right. Is this me or who is this? What do you got there, Benny? I'm at Hilarity's the 21st through 23rd of November. And then we got a big tour coming up. We're starting Charlotte February 4th. Richmond, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Noah, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta. Yowza. Talk about the South. Durham, New Haven. Get that pizza. Providence, Philadelphia.

Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington. I'm going on too long here. Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany. You get the gist. Columbus. Basically, I'm coming to your fucking city. You're literally going everywhere. Going to San... Project 2025? Yeah, it keeps going. It's going. West Coast as well. We got Phoenix, San Diego. All right, we're in May. All right, sorry. San Marino.

Dot com slash shows. Love you guys. It just launched. Give me a break. Oh, yeah. I loved the promo video. Hey, shout out Foley. Foley. James Webb. He's great. Love you guys. All right. I went on there a little too long. I'm pumped. I want to sell some of these. Yeah, sell it out. Go buy tickets quick. Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. We're sold out. Hey, that's exciting. Congrats. Thank you. Warner Theater. We just announced the Ryman. Uh,

North Charleston, Asheville. Is that still happening? Uh, big hurricane there. New, Nola, East Providence, and, uh, doing a bunch of there. Wilkes-Barre, Inglewood, Houston, uh, Dallas, Phoenix, and, uh, come on out, say hello. Look how handsome. Uh,

You guys are handsome. Very hungover there. Yeah. We're going to get some Bodega Cat. And yeah, we're cooking. We're at Peter Luger's. We're at Strip House. Peter fucking Luger's. Strip House. Hell yeah. Comedy Cellar. The Stand. New York Comedy Club. We're cooking. Where else? Everywhere. Peter Cougar. Yeah. And hopefully Johnny's Hideaway in the Clearmont. Oh, let's get into Johnny's Hideaway. I got connects. Yes. That would be great. We just fucking launched Georgia, I think. Oh. Oh.

Is that right? This could be big. Okay. We love you guys. Hell yeah. And listen, watch Heather's stuff and see her on the road. And we will see you next week. Get her a drink of rum guzzler. Yeah. All right. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Heather. Sunday's next. Fender. She was close. Woman's talking shit and post. The same way. Up on the roof like Lynn Dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New York. This woman doesn't remember.