Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
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Oh, hey! We might be drunk. We're here. Happy Halloween! The hot one, baby. Oh, yeah. She must work out. I'm trying to think of some lines from that scene. We got no food. We got no money. Our pet's heads are falling off. That meme was big with the Haitian cat hoopla. Ooh, that's good. Haitian cat, that's your next whiskey. Ooh!

I like it. You got like a little kick to it. Yeah. You gotta like start to add. You're right. Strains. What do you call it? Strains? Spin-offs? Yeah. Strands? Strands. Strains is dark. Yeah. Spin-off. When you have like Absolute had the regular and then they had the strawberry and the peach and the

Oh, yeah. Just another line. Lines. Lines. A new line. Yes. You know Hulk Hogan was originally offered the George Foreman grill? No. And he turned it down. Wow. He said, give it to that N-word. That's his big thing, the N-word. Did you guys see the Vince McMahon? Oh, I saw the first one, the first ep. It's so good. I haven't seen it yet, but I love it when a meme is already huge before it's come out, when he's going...

Yes, yes. That Giphy, sorry, where he's just like, what question was that in response to? It's incredible. That wrestling world is just such a circus of like spray tans and steroids and drug addicts and pill heads. It's a wild time. The plastic surgery just on him alone is bananas. The best part is that he gets basically me too'd and everyone's like, oh, he's finished. And he comes out this night to like, yeah, look at this.

This is how he walks. It looks like he was just at a P. Diddy's freak-off. You can get the music, too. The music's the best part. Oh, that's a good time. The song is just called No Chance. Man, what a walk. He's walking like Meek Mill.

Bieber after Usher got custody of him. By the way, it's just out there, I guess, now that Bieber got plowed by like 50 black guys, I guess. What did we think was happening? We were all hard on him. So were they. Look, we've been through Me Too. It backfired. People won't hire women anymore. Great job, Amber Heard. Well, you're here. And thank you. Well, people think I'm trans. No one thinks you're trans. Really? Who said that? I don't know.

So I've read it. So I and don't I mean, let's like go with it. I want to get I want to keep working. I want to get spots at the cellar. Let's say I'm trans. But wait, what was I just about to say about that? Oh, Bieber. You know what? I there's something and I don't mean to laugh because it is sick that when a woman is like hugged too long in a Christmas party, we shut down and have like a parade and everyone has to like wear the same hat.

Right. Boy gets molested. No one cares. Nobody cares. People think it's like funny. Yes. You know what I mean? That sounds like my purse when I walk down the street. That sounds like my uterus after I had a kid. So it isn't. I mean, what did we think was going on with Bieber? Why was right? Why is anyone signing it? First of all, why is it?

Anyone entertained by a 13 year old at all like I don't see a 13 year old. Some people think they're hot. That's true It's absolutely that yeah, that's it. It's all it is like when you know, did you see the iCarly documentary the Nickelodeon? Yes. Yes when you're like, okay Are you telling me that there are casting sessions where 13 year old girls go in and sing and dance? Cuz you know on some level, you know, they're hot. Yes, or they're gonna be hot there

They're pretty hot. Name one ugly Disney star or. Yeah, but no one's fucking a kid because they're going to be hot. They're not talent scouts. They're hot now. They're pedos. Yeah. They're into it now. They're not like, someday this is going to pay off. It's not an investment. They're going like, this person's a star. Okay. There's an uggo kid. That's one to Whitney. You know, this is. Thank you. But not ugly to certain gay men. I mean, that is. That's true. You know what I mean? More pushing for the pushing. That's Josh Peck. Is he the one who got molested?

No, no one's touching that, Plumpy. Good. There we go. Cheers, Whitney. Cheers.

Hey, it's a 13 year old. But that kid, when someone offers that kid candy, he's saying yes. Fish in a bag. Then the Peters are like, he ate too much. I'm turned off. Yeah. He's in a sugar coma. I don't have to waste a roofie on him. But to your point, how about all these teachers out there who are like, fuck a 13 year old boy in Florida and everybody's just high fiving. No one's worried about the boy. Totally. But another thing I will say is,

I guess this is the podcast where I come forward with all my flaws. How many times a day, by the way, do you say it was a different time? Probably four or five times a day for me. Same. I was obsessed with one of my teachers in high school. And you would have done it.

Yeah. Oh, consensually. Absolutely. Yes. I was like a sexual predator in high school. It's like because it's also for women like girls, whatever. When I was growing up, like if you grow up poor, like dating an older guy is not your family is wants that. Right. Like he can pick you up from school. He can. Oh, I don't know. Thirty five.

I don't know. When you're 14, everyone's like 35. That's true. Right? That's true. I was like, I don't know if it was just the fantasy or the authority of it or, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Him talking about slavery in history class. I don't know what was turning me on, but there's something. I know so many girls that dated their college professors. Oh, wow. Really? Every Woody Allen movie for a period. Yeah. Correct. Every Woody Allen. My high school theater teacher gave the exchange student AIDS. No way.

- Way, not an A, AIDS. - Yes. - She did get a D in there. - Wow, gave 'em AIDS. I mean, you gotta pass her after that. - And we all wanted to, I mean, I talked about this on my podcast with Kate Siegel. I don't know if you ever watched like "Haunting of Hill House" or those shows on Netflix. She's a girl that I went to high school with who was kind of like my nemesis. We were both in theater class and we were both trying to like get the theater teacher to fall in love with us.

And she's really successful, like in the horror space as an actress. And we did a podcast together and we talked about it. We were like, we were fully like groomed by this guy. We were obsessed with this guy, you know, because I think at that age, you think like my theater teacher can like

Put me in movies. That's true. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, his home movies. I'm a survivor. I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16. So I guess technically- You paid for it, though. You paid her, yeah. It was free. She didn't charge me. And look, I was into it. I was the king of high school for six months. You're not a survivor. You're a fucking legend. I'm a legend. But I'm saying if it was flipped-

If I was a lady and that was a guy, that guy would be in jail. I have a bit about this where the bit is how I saw a headline that said cougars in the classroom, the alarming rate at which teachers are now sleeping with their students. Yeah. Like that's how much worse it is when like women do it. It's not a crime. You never see a headline like, fuck, I'm going to fuck up my own joke. Silver Fox Dilf. Right, right. It's cougar. Priest fucks again. Yes, yes, exactly. You know, hottie boy scout master. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I'm fucking on my own shit. That's good point. You're a teacher at this point. Like every moment you might get shot and killed. Maybe it's just like, these are a lot of boys. Oh, good point. Teachers are like cops now. They're living on the edge. Yes. Might as well live it up. Totally. I don't know. But also teachers now, I mean, they're kind of becoming, there's a lot of amazing teachers, at least where I am in California, which is part of the reason I'm going to leave. They're all like activists.

Wait, you're leaving California? I might. Whoa, that house? You're going to leave that house? I have to. Wow. I have to. You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard, like cool ass. Death falling down my spiral staircase. Every time I walk down that spiral staircase, I'm like, I will perish. This is how I will die for sure. It's such a cool place. That's so nice. Thank you. I appreciate it. It really served its purpose during the pandemic as a rehab where everyone relapsed. Don't tell me you're going to Texas too. I am.

I don't know what I'm going to do. You know what? I love Nashville. My mom is from Texas originally, so I kind of like grew up there a lot. I love Virginia. I love Pennsylvania. There's one you're leaving out that's a pretty cool city. I'm looking upstate New York, Hudson Valley. Whoa, mama. But I'm going to say something. Please. I'm not really scared of anything.

Okay. Do you think I'm scared of anything? Maybe getting AIDS from a teacher would be scary. Yeah. No, I would have loved it. At that time, by the way, that's when... Have you heard the conspiracy theory that Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS? No. I'm so into this one. He's still alive. I know that some like pharma company paid him to whatever, like pretend he had AIDS. What? I just kind of hope it's true. Easy E, that one I believe.

Oh, and that Stevie Wonder wasn't blind. Oh, yeah, yeah. He did die from it, didn't he? That's what I'm saying. That's why I believe it. He died from AIDS. But wait, you're a woman. Let me ask you this. If we're talking about... Oh, sorry. Loop it up. She's not a woman according to Reddit. I'm a woman and I'll forget. Can I get some ice? What are we doing here? We've got to chill. You just gave us the ice for the shaker. Oh, I see. I'm legitimately scared of Lyme disease.

It's the one thing. I don't, I'm not like, I've lived with coyotes and rattlesnakes. I'm in California, just chock full of pedophiles. But like Lyme disease, I can't tell if it's a fake disease. It's real. That actresses pretend to have when they're moving on it. Or if it's a real thing because you, like Avril Lavigne was out for four years. Her brain just. Whoa.

Don't be a hater boy. Greg Fitzsimmons' aunt had it. She had to be on a drip for like 20 years. So I just did Montauk with Ari and he got bitten by a bunch of ticks and he couldn't eat red meat for like two months. Jesus. So it's no joke. So Rogan's not friends with him anymore?

That's the punishment? You just have to eat fish or something? That's not that bad. For some reason, if you eat red meat, you get wildly sick. Flamed or something? Yeah, so he couldn't have red meat. So when I invited him to the strip house, he's like, I can't have red meat. I can't come. Because I have Lyme disease. Yeah, but he kicked it. Oh, shut up. Sorry, you just said. Well, I was going to say, we're talking about young people. Fucking them. Now, you're a lady.

Leonardo DiCaprio fucks 25 and then cuts it off. We all know that. And every woman is annoyed by that and hates it and calls him a creep. But can he just be attracted to young women and not be an asshole? Can I stop you for one second? Please. Because you said all women say this. Not all women, just the annoying ones. I've heard a lot on the Internet about him being a piece of shit. I don't think there's anything wrong. First of all, we don't know that he's breaking up with them.

There's a pattern. Okay. But also, I just do believe, I'm not defending them, but child stars are stunted, I feel like. Yes. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, he at least picked the right age. Look at Michael Jackson. He went to at least of age.

I think it just bothers women internally because they're older. But don't you think that Michael Jackson, he became famous at like six and then he only wanted to hang out with six-year-olds. Yeah. Yeah, but Leo became famous at like 14, right? That's true. Yeah, I guess Basketball Diaries maybe or Gilbert Grape. So he's keeping it legal. What I'm saying is Gilbert Grape was a documentary. Yes.

I don't like honestly like I always thought it struck me allegedly as like just a little gay like well you know what it is it's like when you see a guy date the same girl over like this is what straight men do right that's kind of what it feels like to me but honestly as long as it's of age who gives a shit but my

point is if these women like a 23 year old woman became a CEO of some company everybody would go good for this wow look how young the CEO is she's a brilliant woman would they know they'd be like fuck her she must have conned her way to the top I think women would be proud of her they'd be like a push for women like wow a young female CEO they wouldn't go hey her frontal brain isn't finished but when Leo dates her her frontal cortex is undeveloped or whatever it is so how come CEO okay HPV not okay

I'm too dumb to follow what you're saying. Well, I'm just saying. What if he started dating one of those Down Syndrome models? What do people say then? They're like, well, you know. Yeah. Is he a hero or is he a predator? Yeah, that's true. Why? Okay. I'd go down on her. Okay, you at 14 years old, he believably sucked a dick for drugs in a bathroom. That's true. Let him date a model. I don't know. I mean, something's off if you're that good of an actor.

Right. Something's off. He is so talented, this guy. There's just something to me about like he made in, you know, not Inception. Yeah. Inception, right? Revenant. He made all these great movies. Howard Hughes. Oh, yeah. Ellen Page played a woman in that movie. A lot of great acting going around. That's true. Like, I don't like who he dates. Okay.

I don't like that you spend your life complaining about a millionaire. Yeah, that's a good point. It's just kind of like, cool. I don't think he wants to talk to you either. Is it legal? Then it's kind of like... It is legal. Yeah, so kind of who gives a shit? Yeah. Wow, I got Giselle at 18. What a fucking hero. You see? My God. It's always weird when you get them right at 18. Yeah, and one thing else... It feels like you're waiting around. Yeah. One other thing

I'll say, I remember, I think it was John Mayer who's like kind of into comedy, you know? Yes. Yes. He's tried it. I'm trying to not, uh, uh, uh, shit on him. Name drop. Um, hilarious how you filled that in. But he was saying something about, I was like, in, I mean, you're married. Thank God now. Yes. Yes. And you are, you know, but you're in a good, good place because once you get famous, like any woman, any guy, every guy that I've dated until now, thank God, the guy that I'm dating, I didn't know that he was famous.

that famous one of them I truly didn't know I just because his body is so husky I didn't realize he was like she's with Usher a big skater and so and so there's something about like when people don't even know they're doing it when you're like a little bit famous it like intoxicates them whatever every guy I've dated in the past 10 years they're a lawyer they're a doctor we start dating they want to start a podcast they stand up and it's

up and it's just sort of like was that because we but there must be something in the back of their mind so um uh john mayer once was saying uh i was like why do you only date famous women you know what i mean i was like giving him shit about it yeah because a woman that's not famous wants to be famous if they that's why so many famous guys date bottle service girls because they already have their they already have to come talk to you right they're not seeking you out in the club you never hook up with just the girl who's like hey oh

That's interesting. Oh, hey. Hi. That makes sense. Do you know what I mean? So it's like also- Mark and I frequent at nightclubs. So yes, we do know what you mean. But Leonardo DiCaprio is so famous. You know what I mean? So he basically just every year is like, what is he going to get on a hinge? Right. Like Farmers Only? Farmers Only.

He just has to go to the Victoria's Secret fashion show and be like her. Like that's his dating app. And these John Mayers, they go on Hinge. They start talking to a girl. She posts their conversation because she's got nothing to lose. Correct. So she gets to be like. He was toxic. He gaslit. Yes. I feel like the Victoria's Secret models know the deal. They know the deal. And they're like, I get to date Leonardo DiCaprio for two years. No one gets hurt. Exactly. Good point.

Good point. I think he got something there. Every now and then. And it probably helps your career if you're a young model. Yes. And you're probably getting more work after. That's a good point. One of his girlfriends is right here behind. This is Ally McBeal. And that's Winnie right there, unfortunately. Oh, she had a good run. So what are the Halloween, what can we dress as this year? Well, you're the cop. You're Harlan Williams, basically. We're Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels and Dumb and Dumber. We also got, by the way, we got Kool-Aid.

Kit Kats. Nice. Because we heard you like Kit Kats. I love Kit Kats. So this is like Japanese Kit Kats. So it's crazy flavors. I can read them all to you. So there's dogs in it? Yes. This one is Chihuahua. And then we have chocolate mint matcha. Wait, what? Yeah. Cookies and cream. Baskin Robbins Kit Kats? What?

Like, thank you, actually, for real. This is what the Asians do. They take everything we invent, and then they make it all weird. Then they add orange to it. Yeah. Orange peel. Oh, my God. Mint chocolate chip is my favorite. Tell me one. I want to try one of them. But I just mean, like, what can we dress as this year? We can't. What was this shit? Everybody's doing Ray Gun. The fact that we're allowed to be pirates. They raped and pillaged. Yeah. I know. That's a good point. That's fine. But you can't be Hitler. Okay. Pfft.

I'm good. I'm good. That's the one right there. You know what is wild about Hitler? I know you guys are already like... Can I ask how old you guys are? This sounds like a VH1 show. What's wild about Hitler? Someone recently said Hitler the early years. I'm like, all right, he's not the fucking stones. The one that's like Hitler, his sex life of Hitler? No. No, but that's where he's in an incest and his cousin. Yeah, his cousin. Whoa! Did you know that he wanted to be a...

Did you know he wanted to be a painter? Yeah, everybody knows that. But like... He failed. If a man wants to paint, let him paint. Yeah. You hear that, Hunter Biden? Yeah. By the way, Hunter Biden's an amazing painter. Pull up some of Hunter Biden's work. That's true. And then please pull up George W. Bush paintings because they're actually kind of my favorite. And Jim Carrey. Oh, I'd like to talk about that. It does feel like when you start painting, a lot's gone wrong. Yes, yes. Tough. Yeah. All right, maybe it's not great, but... What is that?

does that mean what would it get to take you to start painting my mom's a painter i mean i that's cool i like it's rosebuds i like oh yeah you know i i i'm just not good i see her work i'm like oh i'm shit so i even try this but it is kind of like therapeutic when you paint i think you're like you're getting something out kind of oh for sure this is hunter biden's paint you think these are good that was bush oh bush these are biden can you do bush dogs uh

Honestly, the fact that this guy ran the United States of America, when you see these paintings... Now watch this drive.

Wow, pretty good, Bush. Look at the apron. What a cutie. That's cute. I like it. That's great. Yeah, it's not bad. He had access to the nuke button. You got that right. This is the most make-a-wish-ass shit I've ever... Can you do that one? Well, let's see Trump or Biden. Look at this. Hold on, hold on. Look at this one on the bottom right. Yeah, that guy killed Obama. No, Bin Laden. Brought to you by St. Jude's Hospital. Oh, that's right. Look at the bottom right.

Wasn't Obama who was it was a dude. Why do this? Yeah? Dogs have down syndrome look at the eyes

Wow. Look at that. I mean. I like it. If I was in a hotel room and I was on the wall, I'd be like, that's cute. I like it. Yeah. You'd be like, all right, I got to upgrade. Put me in a good mood. Very nice. That's heartbreaking. But look at that. That's some abstract shit. This is a lot of drugs talking. This is Hunter. Oh, yeah. That's kind of fun. He's a good looking dude. He doesn't get his due for his nice face. Let me see. Let me see. All the crafting. Is Hunter Biden the Joel and his son? Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah. That guy's fucked a lot of whores.

Those teeth, those are new teeth. Definitely. Those are, I did 80s cocaine teeth. Yeah, those are funded by Putin. So, okay, is he going to jail? I think these politicians, they all skate. Look at Trump. He's going to be fine. I did ask if on the show I could be Kamala for Halloween because she might be drunk.

But they said no. What do you mean? Who's they? Who's the, yeah. Non-binary poker? I don't know. You're worried about Whitney doing blackface on her pod? Brownface? Brownface. Indian face? Could go either way. But by the way, I should just come clean. I feel the need to say this as much as possible. You come from a middle class family? Yeah.

Have you seen her house? Her middle class house? No, pull it up. I mean, it is like a castle. It looks like the Home Alone house. You grew up in Berkeley, right? What's up with the Montel Williams thing? She used to date Montel Williams. Yeah. Yeah, you could do worse. Also, do you saw the thing with her husband? Did he hit a woman? He hit a woman, yeah. Whoa!

He hasn't hit Kamala. He doesn't hit women. Also, whatever he did to a woman is probably not worse than what Trump has done to a woman. Well, did you see that just randomly as soon as it was around when she was going to start running, they proactively were like, her husband had an affair with the previous nanny. I'm like, what are they getting at? Also, they're just finding all this shit out now. That is not it. I know. That's not it. Oh, maybe I got fake news. I don't know. She worked at McDonald's. It was like a brick house, the one that I saw.

Mmm. I don't know. All right. I don't know. Like, do you look at stuff now and you're like, that might be true? I don't believe anything. Well, this is her house now, apparently.

But who cares? Is she going to do a good job or not? I don't give a shit about working at McDonald's or you're from the streets or whatever. I mean, she went to private school in Montreal also. I think a drunk woman is the scariest thing on the planet. A drunk childless woman, you know, in comic shows. If a drunk man's heckling, you're fine. If it's a drunk woman, you're like. You threw in childless because you just had a baby. You eliminated yourself from that. She has nothing to lose.

By the way, Whitney just had a baby. We put a dead baby next to her. Yeah, guys. What are we doing? We had some abortions, I assume. Some? Plural? Jesus. They're back to haunt you. This is you and Shob's kid. Whatever happened to seven weeks? Okay, you and Shob's kid. God damn it, Mark. Of all the conspiracy theories we've talked about on this podcast. Tell!

Just kidding. Schaub's whiskey is $90 a bottle and Bodega Cat is only $40. What is the logic on pricing? Like, how do you even? We're made for people. We respect our fans and we don't want them to overpay for our whiskey. Yes. That's sick. And then what is his called? Tiger Thick. Oh, it's $60. He lowered it.

It used to be 90. Does it cure CTE? We love you. So is yours Japanese whiskey? No. No. It's made in Merca? Yeah, you got that right, sister. Respect. I like that. Yeah, there's 73 there. Oh, it's gone up.

Okay. Interesting. This fucking, whatever this Kit Kat was, was fucking delicious. No, these are insane. Do you not get your fans mad at you if you eat on the podcast? Just get it off mic. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. That's the key. Which of these should I try? I want to try one of these kombuchas. Mark, are you doing it? Oh, I'd like to have one as well. I would say, why don't we do the mango daydream? Whoa. All right.

Oh, no, no, no. You're going to like the painkiller. That one. Painkiller? It's kind of pineapple-y. Bring it on. I love it. This is L.A. Libtard, the juice of L.A. Libtard. Hell yeah. Hard kombucha. Well, the juice killed Christ, so be careful. Dude, you will get... It's like a beer. Healthy beer. You will not get a hangover, and tomorrow you will take the shit of your life.

Oh, baby. Pineapple, orange, nutmeg, green tea, and kombucha. What about the alcohol? Where's the hard kombucha? You want a trans woman dating app? 6% alcohol. But like, if Kamala wins...

And she keeps drinking. I think world leaders will be scared of us. She'll just be like drunk dialing. I know. I'm my most confident when I'm drunk. They'll be like, she's mad at us and we don't know why. Four days a month. Yeah. She'll just be like a monster. Yeah. Yeah. Those days are long past. What is she, 60? Yeah. No, she's got to be. She's got to be reasonable. At least, you know. Menopause, you mean? Never. Yeah. Menopause. When does that hit? I don't know.

51? It's kind of different for everyone, but now this whole thing, they call me Ho Rogan, with microplastics, they're making babies taint smaller, they're making us fertile sooner, girls are having their period at like four, and they're having menopause earlier, I guess. Easy, RFK Jr. Ha ha!

Holy moly. What's in the tap water? Dude, he would have been scary as shit. Like, because all our leader has to do at this point is, like, be scary to China and Russia, right? Yeah. RFK, if he just was like, Russia would be like, damn. Yeah, he's against war, too. So he would just make one phone call. Ah, ah, ah.

Did you see that the guy from Chuck came out supporting Trump? Chuck. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know that dude. Yeah, yeah. Levi. Oh, he was cute. Zachary Levi. Look at that guy. That's a hot shoe. You gotta look like him. Oh, hey, I'll take it. He's like you guys as one person. Oh, yeah. He kind of is. Ah, there's Whoopi. There we go. Imagine voting differently because the guy from Chuck. Oh, the Shazam guy. That's why they keep doing these debates. You know, like, who's it for?

They give good views. I mean, politics is the new sport. I know, but think about how much money is wasted on our elections. It's fucking insane. Oh, it's crazy. I heard there's not enough money for the hurricane people. Yeah, but you can spend, what, 15 million per week or whatever they're spending? Crazy. I don't know if the number's right, but you know what I mean. I know, it's bad. It feels like a giant...

I don't know. Oh, completely. I mean, but I feel like this is all we think. When I was a kid, this wasn't that big of a deal. When I was a kid, it was also like you didn't lead with your political. Yes. You're not like, fuck you, MAGA. Like, fuck you, I'm with her. You were just like, hey, I'm Sam. Yes. It wasn't like the first thing you let. It's weird. Sometimes you go to a small town and that's how they still are. And they're like shocked. Right.

You lead with your political beliefs. I lead with my pronouns. Well, we used to do it with race, like the good old days. Like, oh, you're one of them. Stay out of my neighborhood. Now we can all mix racially and gay, but it's political division everywhere. My family's all split up. Still.

Really? Oh, yeah. It's bad. A lot of politics. They just don't like each other. Yeah. Yeah. Are there people that were tight and then they voted differently or believe different things? Totally. Totally. And you're like, it's weird because a lot of the open-minded, inclusive people are like, get them out of the house. And you're like, well, they just disagree with you. They're not bad people.

They just like certain... It's always the most progressive liberal lefts that are like, you're garbage if you don't agree with me. Like, it's like, I believe in free speech as long as you're saying what I believe. Right. It's a bummer. What? It's gotten, like, so extreme. That's the hard thing, right? Because, like, Twitter is definitely the most free speech place. Oh, yeah. But, like, man, it is a fucking cesspool. Woo! Like, I'm for free speech, but you're like, man, at the same time, this does bum me out. I can be for both. But I think we're also, like...

you know, mental illness is like, we're just seeing it run. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. It used to be mentally ill in their homes. They would like collect dolls or something. And now they're on Twitter, you know, just doing this. Usually you would just, you would used to just be a comic on stage, getting that out. Now you got this shit in your pocket too. Holy shit. So many people we know are just unraveling. Yeah.

You're either going to look back at this and feel so much shame, or even worse, you're not. I know. This is just who you will become forever. That's true. And you can't let yourself fall into it. Elon Musk is all in. All day. You can tell he's captured by it. And you're like, you got shit to run, man. You run eight businesses. Also,

It's weird. I have this, like, I'm sorry to be annoying, and maybe this is because I just had a kid, and I, like, go to, like... Sing it, sister. Once you have a kid and you see, you're like, wait, everyone started like this? I know. Isn't that weird? It's... You're like, I... What happened? Everyone had their ass wiped and had to be put to bed and screamed all night. And they're so sweet. Hitler was a baby? Ah, he wasn't so bad. That's true.

He wasn't. And so I don't know. Like the LaMos thing, I guess he's got a trans kid, right? Once you have 12 kids, one of them is going to be trans. When you're playing with those types of numbers. That's true. The odds. Also like...

Well, why do you have to keep coming in people at a certain point? I understand having like a few kids, but like 12? He's trying to populate Mars. Yeah, but when you have like, when you have the CEO of four companies, you gotta have 12 kids. You're not going to be there for two kids. My thing is more, how come everyone he procreates with looks like an alien? I'm not sure.

I'm not kidding. I genuinely was like, you know what? Like before I had a kid, I was like, let me just ask Rogan. Cause it seemed Amber Heard. Like everyone seemed to be having a kid with Elon Musk. I was like, this seems like a good retirement plan. And I was like, gonna be like, Rogan, hook me up with Elon Musk. Let's meet him at the mother's house. You know what I mean? And then I was like, oh, my eyes are way too close together for this guy. I mean, the women he dates, they are like the goldfish eyeballs. Like he wants to procreate with an alien. 100%.

That's his king. But I don't know. It's like, don't you think it's all just like addiction? Sure, sure. You know what I mean? What, coming? God complex. There's that. Coming to the addiction? Procreating or like being on Twitter all day. Like everyone's got some kind of- I think you don't care. I think honestly that's where like the ultra rich- Look at her. Look at that. Whoa. But that's where the ultra rich and the ultra poor come together is they just will both come in anything. That's true. They will just like, I think if you're rich, you're like, it'll be fine. I'll just, you know, I'll get it.

And if you're poor, you're like, my life is fucked anyway. I'll just keep coming in people. Yeah. I need to have kids so they can go work. And that's how that's why I haven't kids started. It was like, we have a farm. I need kids to help. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Nick Cannon has a huge farm, apparently. But then you also go like, oh, this guy has everything. Yes. Still needs meaning in his life. Like, it's not working. Right. You see someone get successful and you're like, oh, that didn't work. If I was on Musk and had a billion dollars, you would never see me again.

Yeah. Like, you would never see me again. Well, he is a special breed. Well, he is way more than a billion dollars, by the way. He's like a Howard Hughes type, you know? No, Howard Hughes disappeared. Oh, that's true. He had the jars of urine.

But there was no Twitter then. But also in the 90s... Chapter of his memoir, Jars of Urine. In the 90s, though, there was like four big things. It was Menendez Brothers, Rodney King, OJ, and something else. Have you seen that shit on Netflix? Yes. Menendez Brothers? My point is, now that's...

I get nine of those a day on Twitter. In a decade, we had four big things. And now we get, and we had Bill Clinton. We had Monica. Yeah. We had Lorena Bobbitt. Okay. We had five things. We had Renee Ramsey. We had six things. But there wasn't a 24 hour news cycle back then. Don't forget the beautiful toddlers. Oh, the pageants? Yeah.

No, like with JonBenet Ramsey. Oh, yeah. That was in the 90s, though. Oh, sorry. Okay. But you see my point. Now you get 18 of those a day on Twitter. Our scandals used to be like, Dennis Rodman is in a wedding dress. Yes. Oh, God, so charming. Or what's-her-face's tit came out at Janet Jackson. That was like the scandal of the year. Tara Reade, yep, yep. That was the Super Bowl. That was crazy. That was crazy. Which, by the way, when you look back and you're like, did we get played?

Didn't that feel a little intentional? Of course. Why did she have the nipple ring on? Remember? Yeah, that was planned. They knew what they were doing. She had a pierced nipple on that? I don't think she had a... She had a sun nipple piercing around her nipple. Is that right? Pull it up. Pull it up. See if my mom brings that. I heard this year Jelly Roll was looking at a tip. Oh, so it's not even a nip. She had a...

cover on. It was like a giant pasty that was a cross that we were never supposed to see. Wow. So that's not even that bad. I can see the areola a little bit. Ugh.

I don't. Yeah, that's weird. Oh, okay. That is a nip. That's a full nip. I don't think you would have put that on your nipple if you didn't plan to reveal it. Yeah, I think it's been confirmed. This is planned. Isn't that kind of wild? Like, that just blows my mind, the idea of, like, planning a... Of course. We're so bad at that as comics. This is like the Zabruder films here. This is crazy. Yeah. Wait, did you show your tit and I missed it? I kind of tried to, but then I remembered that I'm wearing a bra that has stains on it.

Is that from breast milk? No, that's just from me doing laundry and not knowing what I'm doing. All right. Not giving a shit. You do laundry in the city? I mix my whites and my blacks. I'm very progressive. Wow. Easy. I did not do laundry in the city, no. Back at my house. How long are you here? I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been here for a while, though. I've been here for a while. I did. I'm hosting the Friends game show. Oh.

Oh, wow. The Show Friends. Really? Yeah, there's a game show about The Show Friends. Could that be any more relevant? Honestly, I have no joke for this, but it's at a time where everything is dividing everybody. It's like everybody. Oh, look at that.

Yeah, I saw this on Instagram. Yeah, why not? Congrats. Hey, that's good money. That's easy. Paycheck. Get in. Get out. That's it. A couple of yucks. But OK, so what other Halloween costumes? I was thinking about it because I was like, I do need to just come forward with the fact that I did dress as a geisha when I was 18. Yeah.

And when I tell you Trudeau level to the waterline white paint. I mean, waterline. There are photos of me that I am saving for one of my- That's not a skin color, though. You're all right. Yeah, but if you do the eye pullback. Did you do that? No, I didn't. Oh, okay. Well, then you're good. My comedy career didn't start sooner. But I am literally standing like this, like-

You know what I mean? Transphobic? Stop it. He dresses as a lady. That is not a transphobic costume to dress as a woman. He used to do that all the time. Did you dress as a woman a lot? All the time. We did that in high school. I'm a bad... I would look like a bad woman. Yeah. I'm a hairy dude. When guys dress as a woman or a baby, I'm always like...

Well, the baby is the hot buff guys who want to go shirtless in a diaper. Or the fat guy. Or the fat guy. That's fun. The fat guy in the diaper is fun. Baby Huey, I like. But when I was in high school, we had opposite day and the boys dressed as girls and the girls dressed as boys. What? Everyone had a great time.

That was amazing. It was a great fun. But also, I was like a tomboy. I always dressed like a boy. Do you know what I mean? Right. You're dressed like a boy right now. Always. I love it. I thought these were defunded, but an eating disorder is you're not allowed to dress. Oh, my God. A mentally ill person. This guy's a serial killer. Come on. What are we doing here?

I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary. Now they're like, please don't shame the unable. An unhoused sin. You can't do hobo. It was a classic. That's a great costume. Are these out now? People are saying you can't do this? This is a list of problematic shit. I'm sorry. It's goodhousekeeping.com. I mean, I don't know. All the cool people would come to the costume in the offensive costume. Of course. That was always the cool person. Best costume I saw. I've said it a million times. It was when I was a kid.

At a party in Louisiana, there was a guy in a wheelchair dressed as Superman. And he won. Everybody high-fived. A+. He got laid. The Anne costume? Oh, that's great. By the way, I was in Amsterdam a week ago. I could not get into the Anne Frank house. It was so... I didn't really have to fucking know somebody to get in here. It was so frustrating. Yeah. Because it was like torrential downpour, and I knew I had to make a...

This is like the most classic. I posted on Instagram, like, I can't get Anne Frank tickets. What do I do? And like in a story and all the responses are like Jewish mafia, like Schumer, Jessica Seinfeld. They're like, how can we help? I'm like, I don't fucking, I was just trying to be funny. I don't know. And then I found a ticket online. And when I got there, I found out it was, it was like a walking tour, which I'm like,

I didn't know she was walking. I thought that was a problem. She was in a fucking hat. Yeah, she was hiding. So they're like, no, the walking tour is three miles away. And I was like, it's like a thunderstorm. So I'm like pleading with the person. I'm like, can you please, like, just can you make any room? Can you hook me up? Yeah. I'm like, please make room. And they're just, she was like, there's nothing I can do. Oh.

I'll tag on social. If I was a Jew in the 40s, I wouldn't have had a place to hide. I'm not a good enough planner. That's true. But no, but we went to the Van Gogh thing right before it and I got tossed. Some of the people in Amsterdam were kind of, the shows were fucking amazing, but the people were kind of pricks at a little guy, throw us out of the...

Like a midget? No, he was like 5'4". A meter? But he was a fucking prick. We did the Van Gogh Museum. If you're a short guy...

Tough. Tough sledding. Really tough. But we were nice. We were nice. I know, but it doesn't matter. You're tall. Yeah, you're tall. You know what I mean? There's a whole thing about, a friend of mine used to be like a security person at nightclubs and they hire women a lot of times to run nightclubs to deal with short men because if there's a, I'm dead serious, if there's a bouncer, like they get super aggro. They're like, you know how small dogs have to barf and over cop and save? Imagine being a short man. You're just like instantly, like you're like not a provider. Whoa. Can't.

Like that's why so many short men. I shouldn't have said that part to him, but yeah. I feel like short men, that's why. You're not even a provider, dude. With women, because you don't see a really hot chick with a short guy. What's the first thing you think?

Big dick? He's rich. Rich. Right? Because like every million dollars adds an inch of height. Oh. I feel like that's my like general math on that. That makes sense. That makes sense. I have like compassion for the short kings out there. Yeah. What is it? You're an honest lady. Is it just weak? What do you see? I dated a shorter guy than me, but he was very successful in his field. And like, I didn't really think about it. Come on. I swear to God. Even with the...

you know, the arm around his shoulder. Like that didn't bother you? It prepared me for having a baby. I wanted to talk him to sleep, be breastfed. But I just... Why did it end? I was so in awe of what he did for a living. I'll tell you why it ended in a second. Mission Impossible, Ghost Protocol. I had a lot of edibles. I thought he was a thousand feet tall. But I...

I did one time go on this date with a guy, and it was in a place called Delaney's Pizza in L.A. Horrible pizza, because that's what we do there. And he was sitting down, and I came in, and we had the best time. All right. Best time. Well, if he's sitting, it's tolerable. At the end of the date, we stood up, and it was like, boom. Oh, man.

God damn it. Is there anything that could happen to us? It's like a fat chick on the phone. Ooh. Truth about cats and dogs. That was episode two of Taxi, was Judd Hirsch falls for this girl on the phone and they meet her and she's fat. Oh, it's hilarious. It's a tender tale. He's very nice about it. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen Fat Pig, the Neil LaBute play? I think he got canceled for being too talented or something. No.

I know he did like Friends and Neighbors, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was a, Jeremy Piven was in the Broadway play of Fat Pig and it's about a guy that's in love with a girl who's heavy and all his friends, like he can't do it. Oh, interesting. Like she's like hot and he's so into her. Well, women get so mad if we get, if we're not into fat women, but it's just like, you're not into short women. How come we can't have it? I feel like on some level you probably biologically feel like it's not healthy. Of course.

Of course. You know? You want to see the body parts and not the extra stuff. Or like on some primordial level, maybe you think they're already pregnant. Oh, yeah. Well, if you can't see the vagina, it's a real turnoff. Well, she's got many vaginas all over her body. That's true. I can fucking roll. I got to be honest. Why do I keep saying that?

You could fuck a roll, she could eat a roll. All right. I have never been hit on more than when I was pregnant. Really? Get the hell out of here. It's a porn category. I know dudes who are into that. That's true. Well, your tits probably got way bigger, too. Giant. But the veins that look like the New York subway map. Pull them up. Well, my wife is pregnant now. What? I'll tell you. Oh, yeah. Hey. Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations.

It's not his, but he's sticking around. It's Greer Barnes. But the six, I mean, I feel like she's more sensitive downtown. Oh, you're so horny. It's crazy. So horny. Is it because you're scared the guy might leave because you got bigger? That's what they say biologically. You want to keep the guy around? So how many months? You've already talked about this. Five. Five in. Whoa. Four to go. And to keep it?

It's all down, so we're on the fence. I'm pumped for this baby shower. Yeah, yeah, we're having a baby shower. Nice. And what's the plan? She's putting it together with her friends? Yeah, friends, family, the whole kit and caboodle. What's a good gift for a baby shower? Because you had one. Help me out here. Okay, for the dad or for her? For the baby. Is there a registry? Oh.

I don't know. Probably. A coat hanger. Nice. I mean, honestly, probably something from the registry. Sure. And then a shit ton of burp cloths. Just burp cloths. Burp cloths. Burp cloths. Oh, burp. Burp cloths. That's just for Mark. Or honestly,

I would say, like, real talk, like, just bring them food a couple days after the baby's born. Yeah, or something for the house. We got a house and we got to fill the house so we don't have little things. Like a gift card. You get so many gifts that you have to fucking unwrap that have things on them that you can't use. I should get you a gift card to a place that doesn't exist anymore. Like, dude, you like borders? Fuck with borders? Dude, I got you a $100 gift card to the Wiz. But all the dude wants is the Wiz!

Enjoy trying to find it. Once I had a kid, I realized why China won fair and square. You're just Chinese trash all day long. It's all you're doing is ordering Chinese trash. You're going to start to get paranoid about it. And because it's just China, China, China. What were you eating? What's that?

No Chinese stuff. Stuff. Just the toys and the socks and the thing and the bottle. Everything's made in China, made in China. And you're so tired. You start being like, dude, are the stuffed animals or the eyeballs cameras? Can you just look? You start getting like, dude, China is everywhere. And you're live streaming your baby on all these apps. And you're just like, where's this footage going? I got in a deep wormhole about China and all the baby products. How ironic because they kill theirs.

All right. But I will say. By the way, the products they send over here, like, I think that's kind of the intention too. You're like, don't put that in your mouth. Oh my God. We heard the theory about like on TikTok over there, it's like all productive shit. And then over here, it's like, it's like a dude in a car like, let me see which sandwich is better. You know? And by the way,

Anyway, TikTok, aren't they not allowed to watch TikTok that's just silly? It's all like achievement based. Science. Yeah. Yeah. And they only are allowed three hours a day. And they invented the fucking thing. But the irony is like, yeah, we're becoming worthless. But like these influencers that are like testing food on there are making millions. Millions. So they might be thinking they're getting us. But these dudes are fucking killing it. Good point. Helping the economy. Yeah. But I will say pregnant wife, she is like...

A gung-ho. She's getting everything together because she's in mom mode. So she's fixing shit. She's yelling at contractors. She's killing it. Love it, dude, because that nesting comes in. I loved being pregnant. Really? Really. But you seem like someone who would... I remember seeing Rosebud...

and how angry she would get pregnant. - The problem is Rosebud became as wide as she was tall. I mean, being like small, like she's such a tank, she's so strong, but like that baby, I mean, the baby is taller than her now. I mean, like you see Minos, like you're like, you know, so, and she, I induced at 39 weeks, which you can do. - What does that mean? - Because after 39 weeks, the baby's organs are all cooked.

You know? Oh, okay. And it sounds like I'm an adrenochrome. But the organs are all ready, so they're just gaining weight after that. And I really wanted to do it vaginally for a bunch of reasons. So I induced it 39 weeks. I'm a big fan of doing it vaginally. Better than butt sex. So many holes to choose from. And so Rosebud let it go. I was like, go induce. But she had the baby. Remember when there was those gnarly floods in New York City? Yes. Like her water broke and then the city flooded. But like she...

She just went to the hospital and finally they would... Yeah, Monika's water broke too. That is such a trip. Yeah, big trip. But you're out of the hard part. They say the first six months is the hardest.

Of baby. When you're a comic and you've flown a middle seat on Southwest for as long as we have, a baby is not that big of a problem. Come on. It's not. The crying and the. That's how I feel about the robe. But that's not how I. Giving birth seems like a more intense thing. The no sleep. You're on drugs. I mean, you're not doing like a home birth. Yeah, but you're always on drugs. You know, it's so funny people say that. You've never taken a drug on stage before.

You know what? I've definitely gone on stage maybe after smoking a little weed. Never a pill? No. Really? I love that people think I take pills. I've only taken pills. I mean, I've done it. I'm not doing it like I'm just... No, no, no. I don't do it because I'm too afraid that I'd be better.

You're not going to be better. You think you're going to be better on drugs? You can only go up. You know that people, I mean, yeah, it would probably chill me out a little bit. I'm so manic, but like. I've done a muscle relaxer on stage. Oh, I've never done that. If it's the late show and I'm fucking like 40 in and I have a whiskey and. Oh,

And I'm like, I want to go to sleep after. I'm like, fuck it. Boom. What do you say to the audience? I say muscle relaxer and it gets a laugh usually. And then I just fucking... Dude, I don't... I remember... Do you ever have things that like stuck with you and changed your life forever? But it was just a tiny thing that you saw. There was a YouTube video of a comic. I'm just not going to name him if you want to find a comic who was, I think...

on something on stage and he repeated the same joke he had already told yeah we've all done that you've done that i mean i've done that but what on tv i it was like a youtube it might have been from like a club or something oh okay but he was hammered you can guess who it is yeah and i just was like that's my nightmare uh-huh cover your mouth say what it is oh i did see that

And I just remember going like, if I ever do that, I will blow my head off. Like, that's just, that's my nightmare of like cringe. And then like, I love Nick Swartz and he just was in Aspen or wherever in Colorado and took something to altitude. Like, that's my nightmare, you know? So I just, I've never done a job. But Nick took it well. I mean, he was funny in his response. He was like, but that's,

The altitude dude does fucking get you in Colorado. So no, it's funny. Oh, it does. Like you have a few beers there and you're like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I definitely during the pandemic, like weed had just become legal in California. We were in the pandemic. I was like, fuck it. Like I never smoked weed. I was always the nerd that like never did anything because I came from an alcoholic home. I always had to be the sober person. So by the time the pandemic rolled around, I was like, I'm gonna have blue hair and like just do edibles. I think the first time we met, I was fully like on edibles. And I was like, fuck it.

And then, you know, let's make podcasts interesting. Why not? That was wild. My kid. No one wants to hear us talk about our depression all the time. Like, you know what I mean? It gets old. It's like, just let me be ridiculous, you know? I also like, I like just having fun. I mean, like, look, there's a place, there's a time and place for those conversations, but like, it's fun. I love coming on here and just being fucking, just having a silly time. Yeah. The person is,

working in the amazon warehouse listening to us talk about how hard our lives are it's like put a bullet in our heads so i was just like we're in the pandemic we're all doing podcasts we're all losing our minds and uh so that's when i was really doing like edibles yeah why not smoking weed do you ever have a panic attack on that shit because i freak out on edibles i can handle like none of it you you can smoke weed i can smoke but i don't love it i take edibles to sleep

You take THC or no? A little bit. I'll take a nibble off of a gummy and then I'll sleep like a baby. But if I stay up too late and I get high, I hate it. I just like it because it puts me to bed because I'm awake up eight times a night, but the edible will keep me asleep.

But if I don't fall asleep and I'm just high in my apartment, I'm like, I got to lock the door eight times. I got to turn my phone off. I'm paranoid as hell. I can't enjoy it. Do you ever smoke weed? Rarely, rarely. I think smoking is better if you're going to do it because you can kind of like control how much. Like edibles, like you have to wait for them to digest. I'm always like, did it hit? It's not hitting. It's never going to hit. Okay, so I'll take another one because I don't think it's hitting. Oh, big mistake. So like, yeah, being on an edible sometimes convinces me the edible didn't.

Right. Then I need to take another one. You've never done like Adderall, any of that stuff? Adderall is good stuff. I was prescribed five milligrams of time-release Adderall to sleep. To sleep? Well, if you... I've never heard of that. If you try... I was prescribed Blue Chew every day just to do the pod. Oh, by the way, I have to tell you a Blue Chew story. If you actually, I guess, have ADD, it calms you down. Oh.

So I think most people take Adderall to like have a jolt. Like I already have a manic personality. I don't know. I have horrible ADD though. And it helps me focus is what it does. I think ADD is just you're smart and you get bored easily. I'm not. And I do. You are smart as shit. How dare you? Besides being a Woody Allen fan. You're not like his movies? I've never. By the way, about movies, we got to ask you something. Let's fight. Jonah Feingold. What do you think? Love Jonah. Oh.

All right. All right. What do you mean? Jonah, I was in a movie with Jonah. I know. He was talking about you. Oh, he's Woody Allen without the whole pedophile part. All right.

All right. That was my favorite part. Yeah. Damn it. But wait, so you're working with Jonah Feingold? We're trying to work with him. Was he 11? We love Jonah. Jonah Feingold, he directed a movie that I did on Paramount Plus, At Midnight, that one right there. Yes. Oh, wow. At Midnight. He is so awesome, and he is just a brilliant director. Really? It looks like he might be, if we can make this movie that Mark and I wrote,

He's fantastic. He might be behind the cams. Yes, he's so awesome. I cannot recommend him more strongly. I love it. It's very rare that you have a director that knows, like, let him go. He's got good hair. He's a hunk. Dude, he's awesome.

All right. He's like who Woody Allen thinks he is. Sorry. Come on. Do you hate Woody Allen movies? I don't hate Woody Allen, but are you telling me? I just stuttered. That's how sad that made me. Do you hate Woody? I know you're never going to speak again. I know you're going to hate me. Can I just ask you a real question? Sure.

I know his movies are prolific. Blue Jasmine, I think, is excellent. Sure. Dyson, that's amazing. It's the performances. The directors don't do the performance. He writes them. His strength is casting. He writes the movie. Okay, but the strength is casting. What? Have you seen Annie Hall? Have you seen Manhattan? Annie Hall, the one where a woman is mentally retarded and can't get a sentence out?

Like, his idea of how women is like... She's flustered. By him. By him. Well, he's a famous writer. By him. He's a comic. That's true. He does blow himself up. I am so not the person who... Match point. Hand on Her Sisters is a masterpiece. We were just watching one recently, though. Fuck. What's the one? You know what? We were watching one recently. Crimes and Misdemeanors is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hand on Her Sisters is unbelievable. Sure, sure. I just... Bullets Over Broadway is incredible. Yes, but...

My point is, do you, have you really laughed out loud? Yes. Take the money and run. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. I haven't seen that one. I say this having seen like two of them. No, no, no. We're talking after this about this, but we were just watching deconstructing Harry cause it's on Amazon and we just threw it on. He,

him making out with Elizabeth Shue made me a little angry. It's a little weird. I was like, I wouldn't have the confidence to do that if we were the same age. Right, right. This guy's like the most nebbishy motherfucker. That's true. That's a good point. Of course he's, I just am like, you're making these movies so you can be around these hot chicks. And that's what it feels like. Well, guess what? He's making good movies to be around hot chicks. Totally. And that's what a lot of the best work, probably a lot of the best inventions were good tricks. Like good, it drives shit. I just, I don't like,

when men are like weak and they're like look how weak I am like I can't pick up a I'm scared of lobster I will say but he started that I hate that shit he invented that whole genre I hate that shit I hate that like I'm allergic to everything

everything and i can't dare listen to this listen to this uh i never could stand wait no that's i hate woody allen i dislike that kind of man but let's get the full quote because it's a funny quote no no no uh orson welles oh woody allen is a funny quote you don't want orson welles saying that about you holy shit yeah can you imagine because you know that guy's fucking yeah can you make it bigger or no uh but yeah woody come on the movies are great

All right, there we go. I hate Woody Allen. I dislike that kind of man. I can hardly bear to talk to him. He has that Chaplin disease. The particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge. He's arrogant. He writes, he's not arrogant. He's shy. He's arrogant. That's why I pulled it up. Like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is unlimited. Anyone who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he's not. He's scared. He hates himself. He's shy.

And he loves himself. A very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. I love Worshenwells. You gangster thug. That's pretty clever. To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. A man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs. That's it. In order to free himself from his hangups. Everything he does on the screen is therapeutic. Because you know why? Being a director... He's kind of right, though, about the therapy. But being a director...

You're incredibly dominant. You're in charge of people. I don't fucking buy that you're this guy. I don't buy that you hate yourself. I don't buy that you're like, you can't have it both ways. You're doing it to make women pity you so you can fuck women out of your league. And I don't like that. That's like his game and he worked on it. I hate that shit. Do you know what I mean? Because that's how creeps function. They're like, who, me? Me?

Right. And you're like, he would never do it. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not saying he's a creep. I just mean, I'm not talking about the stuff with the daughter and any of that shit. That's why I had him pull that, though, because what you said is the exact same thing. There is something about that type of guy, like, aw, shucks. Look how harmless I am. That guy's the rapist. Yes. Too weak to rape. I don't. Yeah. That's his MO. He's not a pedophile. He just couldn't rape an adult woman. Right. Well, remember that Bill Burr? Too weak to rape. A dry bar comedy special. Ha ha ha.

Remember that Bill Burr rant about hipster comics? He's like, oh, they're all awkward and weird. He's like, no, you're just, you're all.

And you don't have the balls to be yourself and you get to trust fun. You went to Harvard. You're telling me you're insecure. That's the only thing I don't like when someone's pretending to be something they're not because it's like it's insulting to the intelligence of people that are like, I don't fucking buy this. So you write five movies a year and you have 500 employees and you're weak and shy. It's a smart. Really? I hear you. Really? Oh, in some of his later movies, though, he's he is kind of like an asshole, like a movie like Deconstructing Harry. So he's kind of become that asshole.

I'm going to be honest. I say all this having seen and I've seen I mean, Match Point is like masterfully done. You just said you love two of his movies, though. Blue Jasmine is incredible. Yeah. But it's like to me, it's like the casting is always genius. And I when everyone's falling for this, like like this, everyone wants to get picked. I feel like everybody does a Woody Allen movie because they don't want to be the person that wasn't asked by Woody Allen. And he like perfectly thing where we're all recreating our childhood circumstances where we're like, I have to get picked.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That's definitely true. I feel like he's the most popular guy in school somehow, and we're all one of his opponents. Well, his old movies were great. Did you read his book? Without Feathers? No, no, the new one. I love that. He goes on and on about how he's canceled now and he has to live in France, but he's like, all these guys are full of shit. Timothee Chalamet blew me all day. He loves me, but on screen, on the news, he has to be like, oh, I denounced Woody Allen. I should have never worked with him. He's like, that guy's full of shit.

He comes clean on everything. It's a great read. Wow, check it out. I'm sorry. He did marry his daughter. Stepdaughter. Yep, she was Asian. I couldn't resist. That didn't help. That was too soon, gee. I don't think... Have you heard Wayne Fetterman's joke? He's like, Woody Allen's my hero all these years and still married to the same daughter. But it is just like, when did he meet her? At what age?

He groomed her. It's disgusting. It is disgusting. Even if it wasn't his daughter, marrying someone you knew since they were five is weird. But he made an honest woman out of her. And he's still with her.

I love the thing of like as long as you marry her it's fine and stay with her well it's the Mary Kay Letourneau thing right like she fucked the student and then once she got out of prison they ended up together and then she died karma got her I don't know I just maybe this is a very hot take I just think he's like

I don't know. I think other people are good, too. He's weird. No one's arguing that. And I think that there's a New York or Stockholm syndrome with him. There's no doubting that. And this is something really weird. It's a small thing. I don't understand why every woman in his movies has to dress like Jane Goodall. Like,

Emma Stone is in like khaki. That's true. Why is like Scarlett Johansson in this Christy Barcelona? They're all like Abercrombie. Like, do you have a deal with J. Crew? Like, why can't they? You know what I'm saying? They're all in like beige. That's a good movie too though. Barcelona. He's like, how do I make...

Charlotte Johansson in the Philippines. All right, I'm sending you a couple though after this pod that you are going to like. Hannah or Sisters is unbelievable. I'm just saying. So is Bullets Over Broad. I'd probably enjoy it all if there wasn't all this drama around it. I think there's a certain point where if you're going to make movie magic, get your personal life in order so we can enjoy it. Okay, but how many people if we look back are problematic? You can't.

Every single one of them. Marlon Brando did some fucked up shit. I don't even believe he's problematic. Roman Polanski did some fucked up shit. You know what he is? You're telling me Chinatown is not a great movie? You know what he is? You can't diminish the work of a hundred something people or more on a movie. My thing is Woody Allen is sloppy. Sloppy? You're fucking sloppy, dude. What do you mean? With the kid fucking? Just all

of it. What part? The movie making or the diddling? All of it. I don't even know if he did diddle. It's all up in the air. If you're going to do that, the movies have to be flawless. I guess that's my point. If you're going to marry your daughter, you've got to be cute. No one was more prolific. I mean, no one. There's some turds out there for sure. Yeah, no, there's some bad ones, but guess what? There's a shitload of...

Really good movie. Something's just fishy about that guy. Well, obviously. Yeah. You know what I mean? Something's fishy about a lot of megastar Hollywood people. When your ex-wife makes a documentary about you, take a good hard look. I'm not saying any of it's true. I don't know. How would I know? Well, she seems kooky, but

Of course. They both lie for a living. There you go. They're both professionals. They win awards for pretending. I mean, tell me Tom Cruise isn't kooky. There's some kooky fucking megastars. Will Smith isn't kooky. Oh, I could do this all day.

day long with everyone, by the way. We just happen to be talking about Woody Allen. Nicholas Cage isn't kooky. Throw me anybody. Throw me anybody and I'll do this. Alright, well let me just say, speaking of turds, we'll bring it back to comedy. Ari at Skankfest. You just admitted that Woody Allen's not comedy. You agree with me. Oh, sorry, but

Ari at Skankfest got naked on a show and took a shit on stage. No. And then took a note out of his turd and it said, I'm doing a Netflix special. So put that in your pipe and queef on it. Did it read? Could you read it? He read it.

Yeah, it's pretty gross. I mean, it was a big... Did he have to YouTube how to shit to make it not destroy a piece of paper properly? Probably. Probably. That's a sad YouTube show. Shit on command? He had it locked and loaded. He must have laxative himself or something. Yeah, and he was fully nude while shitting. It's really an unpleasant image on every front.

Yeah. God bless him, but Ari, what the fuck? I know. Like, Ari, I love you, but why? Tough. Write a joke. Tough. It did just make me forget about the Kobe tweet for a minute. He's trying to change the association. He took a shit on stage. Yes, bloody shit. At this point, he's like doing the stand up. It's like you're announcing a special. Just do the shit then at this point. I know. I know. Honestly, look, it takes a lot to cut through the clutter.

these days that's true i mean we if it gets you in the algorithm cut to me next year giving birth did it work how many wait let's see how many views it's got the baby's holding a hulu flag before we make fun of this yeah yeah see it's original way to to announce a special i guess you know it's weird peaky blinders are the same thing kelly and murphy fit out season six

I'm obsessed. I mean, I'm so bummed that I missed it this year. Was it wild? It was a wild, fun time. It was really fun. I heard next year might be New Orleans. That's what I heard, too, which I think is a bad idea. Not the best comedy city. I love New Orleans to death, but comedy-wise, Vegas is pretty damn good. The partying will be great, but the shows... It's also fun to be able to go from venue and walk around. Exactly. But Skankfest has become a destination thing, right? So maybe...

Maybe it works. That's true. That's true. Because I don't think everyone's from Vegas, obviously. They're flying in. That's a transient city. I mean, Vegas has become one of my favorite comedy cities. Me too. Really? Yeah, because the locals are great. Mondays, if you do like a run, like I was working on new material and I did The Cellar in Vegas. It's still there? Yeah. Yeah. Monday, Tuesday. Monday and Tuesday, the Vegas folk, the carnies are off. Sure.

So the dancers and the waitresses, they come Mondays and Tuesdays and they're awesome. Interesting. Yeah, it's good to do Monday, Tuesday. Vegas can be cool when you get the right crowd. I mean, like the last few times I've been there have been great. And you know what else? And I think we're all kind of like this. Like we're all like comedy dorks. Like I was talking, I just hired managers and I haven't had a manager in a while. And I was like, I want like a Vegas residency.

Whoa. No, you don't. I do. I totally do. You just became a mother. This is child abuse. What are you doing? I said I like the city. I don't love it. Come on. I just mean, like, remember when we started, I don't know, I was always just, like, on my vision board or whatever dorky thing I was doing when I, like, wanted to be a comic. Like, there wasn't all this, I want a Netflix special. It was like, I want to, like, you've made it if you can, like, sell out in Vegas. That's true. Yeah. I want to be care boss. You either made it.

I don't know. You either made it or shit has gone really south. Yeah, totally. But like, remember Frank Caliendo did that? Who were the last big people? Like magicians, puppets. Whenever Frank pops up, like, Dunham. Dunham. Frank will pop up on my Instagram sometimes and it's just like,

how to do an impression and I watch it every time. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's like an instructional? Yeah, but it's amazing. Really? He's a great impressionist. He is good. He's like, be gifted. Like, what? How do you be a genius? Like, doing impressions is hard. Wow, yeah. Carrot Top has been there for years. Imagine doing a show every...

I know. Not worrying about promoting it. That's true. Tape Face beat me on AGT. He's amazing. He's big. He is fucking phenomenal. Can you explain Tape Face? It's chaplain-esque. It's like very much... Why did he steal How I Have Sex? He's a chaplain guy. He puts his tape over his face. Yeah, there's no speaking. It's all acting out crazy shit. Cool. And it's truly...

amazing he's an Edinburgh guy like he's Scottish maybe yeah I met him the morning after he hadn't spoken until then you're gonna not click on zombie burlesque what is your dick just got too hard what happened come on zombie burlesque that's sick

Nice. Burlesque with audience participation. We're all... I dated a blue man once. No way. He was a backup. One of them is a fan. Really? He was at your show. A blue man? One of the blue men is at your... He's friends with Ruby, I think, because I met one of them the other day. Which one did he date? He was a backup of one of them. Well, still, it's a person of color. Yeah, and he... All right. Sorry. All right.

After you, yes. Wait, who's that? Oh, what's that? It's David Cross. Did he get blue balls? Not with me, baby, but I did look like a homeless avatar after. People say you're fun in the sack. I've heard. From who? I've heard that. Mark. That's a compliment. That's a... Right? But wait, who would you know that has been in the sack with me? Eh.

Don't act like these are secrets. Pablo, for instance. He did Keanu Reeves into a vagina. I haven't dated comics. We're not talking about dating. I haven't slept with comics. You never slept with a comic? Never. Come on. Well, there's one who's like a comic actor and does stand up. Who?

I'm not doing this. Okay. Well, that's who said it. That's not what I said to him. I said, I am definitely doing this. Dave Coulier. Good for him, by the way. Getting to fuck you? That was pretty cool. Alanis Morissette was blowing him in a movie theater. I would give him a shot. He was doing something right. You were like, should I get a C-section? He's like, cut it out. So who told you about my marriage? I got an abortion. You got it, dude.

What was the other one? Have mercy. Oh, have mercy. That was Stamos. Who told you that? Well, I'll tell you later. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say it on here. I don't want you outed. There's something about, I don't know, some Darwinian instinct where it was like comics like instantly feels like, like it would feel like incest or something. Smart move. Yeah. Don't do it. That's why everyone thought I was gay for the longest time.

Well, bye. Bye? No, I did try to be gay for a minute. It didn't take. It's just that like the men in LA are so effeminate at this point. It's like dating a woman. How hard did you try to be gay? It's the greatest thing you can do. Pretty hard. Really? Oh, really? No, I dated a girl for a while. Like, you know. Well, you know, the divorce rate for lesbians is like 80%. No way.

way. Well, because no one takes the shit, you know? Yes. I've got this designer guy at our new house. You need Ari Shafir. He'll take a shit. Yeah. Well, him and the wife are going at it, and he's like, I will not be talked to this way. And I'm like, oh, you've never argued with a woman.

This is the first time you've had to deal with a lady. And she's like calling him out on bullshit. She remembers everything he said from 20 years ago. And it's pretty fun to watch. And he's like flustered. He's like, I never said that. She's like, I got the text right here. And he's like, well, how dare you? I'll be all this. And I'm like,

Welcome to ladies. I'm like, like embarrassingly straight. Like my guy is like, is his like, he'll have like a hair coming out of a mole on his back. And I'm like, like, I'm like, it's what I love it. That's funny. My wife's the same way. I had a unibrow going, which I didn't know. She was like, that's hot. I'm like, this is hot. Cause it's, I didn't notice. I didn't even know I had it. She was like, I like that. You don't even know that you're gross.

So, yeah, you ladies are you're you're interesting. Yeah. Women like when a guy is not too kept. Right. I don't think it's all women, all men. I think it's when it's the right person, when it's the wrong person. You're like, you should wax your chest. You should. And it's like, no, we just shouldn't be together.

This isn't right. Do you know what I mean? When you're trying to change someone in any capacity, it's just not the right person. Interesting. He had a wax Chester. Yeah, yeah. A girl asked me to shave my chest in college and I did it like a fucking idiot. I saw the picture once and I was like, ugh, I hate myself. Yeah. Why would a woman, that is, she's gay. I don't know. Or a pedophile. I don't know what she is. She actually got thrown out of my show at the Madison Square Garden Theater. Yeah, okay, see? Okay, see, good town. See? See?

That's the one. See, there's something crazy about me. She was the one. But it's also, it's like, you guys aren't allowed to make us do things we don't want to do. Why do we get to make you shave your chest? Like, that's so tough. Well, I had a choice and I was like, fuck it, I'll do it. Why not? And now I, but I was a kid. I look back. But you're so clearly a stubble guy.

Yes, you are. That's going to be so uncomfortable. She's going to have nipple burn. Yeah. I just assume you do missionary. That was rude. I'm sorry. You know what I mean? I'm boring. Yeah, she's going to like have a bloody forehead trying to blow you. I don't know. I just, I'm big on like, I want you as is. As is. That's sweet that you think she ever blew me. And if I want to change you, then it's like, we're just not a match.

Yeah, I mean right now that makes sense. I like that, but you're right like if I'm like hey take that off little lady You know that's offensive, but if when I walk out of the house in like a leather vest She's like take that off, and I'm like you got loving your like your impression. You're like you walk Like you're just doing River dance down the street look like a gay magic duo in Vegas. Yeah, we do We look like lion tamers or something

Where are you on? So you've been married, what, two years? Yeah, almost. In November, right? I remember that shit. So what starts happening? Because it seems like you're doing more whoopee. Well. Damn it. Oh, shit. Oh, was Ari on the podcast? By the way, who cleans up the shit? That's a great question. You cleaned up Ari's shit? Oh.

Oh, it's Gankfest, you mean. I don't know. They got some interns out there. God, what a fucking brood. That guy's going to have a Joker-like origin story. Because you know when it's like strippers, all the dollar bills are on the ground, and then at the end, the song's over, and you have to watch her pick them up. You're like, oh, God. Someone had to clean up that shit. Yeah.

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I love Skankfest. I loved the fans at Skankfest. Yeah, they're very cool. It was a beautiful thing. The fans are great. They get a bad rap. I did two days. I got to get in and get out because the evil comes out of you. Two nights or two days? Both. Yeah. And they do sock wrestling all day. Yamanika...

And Doug Stanhope went at it in a sock wrestle in a boxing ring in the middle of the fest. What is sock wrestling? Sock wrestling is two people go at it and they have to pull each other's socks off. Whoever gets both socks off first wins. And it gets wild. Why this? Because it's so fun to watch and it's hard to think. Can they do anything? You can do anything. There's no rules. That's...

I've never even heard of him. Who was? Yamanika destroyed him. Of course. Because Doug Stanhope's like rotten fruit. He's soft and, you know, that was a white sock. And yeah, he got it. It's also that she would have the strength to beat a 60-year-old alcoholic comedian. I love Doug Stanhope. How have we never had him on here? He just did Are You Garbage? What the fuck? How did we miss him? Is he still in town?

He would do it, I'm sure. He lives in Arizona, like rural Arizona. He's in New York right now. Right now? Yeah. Do you want to hit him up? I love being on a podcast and people are like, you know who we should have on? Sorry, sorry. I know, but you brought him up. I'm like, I'm mad he's never been on. Yeah, that's annoying. He's an alcoholic.

It'd be perfect. I was rude, Whitney. You are one of the best guys. No, I feel horrible. I was. Chris Cole was supposed to come with me. My guy. I know it would have been better with Chris, but he should come on. No, you're great. He's a dead weight. He should come on along. Okay. You know what I mean? He's so funny. We had a great moment because you went to the bathroom and Mark was FaceTiming him. And Mark's like, yeah, you were here, but it's fine. Whitney's chatty. And instead of laughing, he goes, I love her stories. And I was like, oh, God damn it. Oh.

They're in love. Mark's joke's just fucking... I laughed at it. He probably thought I was in the room. Good point, good point. No, I'm so in love. Oh, really? It's sick. Do you think you'll get married to him?

Yeah. Whoa. I think so. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. All right. I'm glad you didn't become a skateboarder, though, because it is not a game on the body, dude. No, it's brutal. You've destroyed your insides and your brain with comedy, but destroying your outsides, that'll get you. I did Tony Hawk's podcast, and just walking around, he's like Jack Skellington. He's clicking. He looks like one of those...

Those balloons at a car dealer. Yeah. They like go up and down. He sounds like an old printer. He's clicking and shit. It's like dial up. Yeah. Yeah. But he's. Sweet guy. Yeah. No. I'm super in love. It's. I had no idea the similarities between skating. It's bananas. Like bananas. Crazy. It's an individual thing. It's scary. You got to go. You got to take chances. You do the road? Yes. You do the road. You're friends with all the other skaters. You get something and you try it and you try it and you try it until you get it right. The perception.

Yes, yes. The perfectionism brain is so wild. There's a lot of addiction. And if you miss, you're kind of fucked. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like they're hurting themselves physically. We're hurting ourselves emotionally. It's kind of like, you know, it's all about style, too. Everyone has a different style, and they're all kind of competing, but since their styles are different, you're also kind of not in a way. And I've like, I don't know, there's like a humility. I haven't met a ton of skaters. It's kind of wild because I was like, I can't date a comic, but it's really hard to date people that don't understand what we do. You know what I mean? You've got the next best thing, and he's athletic. You know, comics are all a bunch of...

pudgy weirdos. You got like a hot, athletic, gritty skateboard. I also like to the Skank Fest of it all, skate fans are so cool. Oh, yeah. They come up to him. They're so gracious. They're so like humble. They're so like,

Yes, it's very humble. There's not a lot of confidence in skateboarding. And no one's in the comments like, you suck. Right. It requires so much failure. Yes. That'll humble you. Nailed it. That's exactly. And the precision, if you're an iota off, that's like us. If you're a second off, a second is the difference between an applause break and a, you know, motivation. You know, same thing with them. There's no room for error. Pull up the Seinfeld quote on skateboarding. Even Seinfeld likes skateboarding.

What? Which no one saw that coming. No. But yeah. Seinfeld said to learn to do a skateboard trick many times you've got to get something wrong until you get it right and you hurt yourself. You learn to do that trick. Now you get a life lesson. Whenever I see those kids skateboarding, I think those kids are going to be all right. That's great. I love that. That's cool. Which is funny because when I was skating, all these old men would be like, get out of here, you punk piece of shit. Get a job. Get a haircut, you loser. And I'm like, well, this is hard. I'm busting.

my ass over here. Also, you know the Serena Williams or the Williams sister, their dad used to pay people to go down and yell racist stuff at them while they were practicing. Shut up. When they were younger, yeah. Best money ever made. I did it for free. And I like love that. Is that right? Mm-hmm. Wow, that's crazy. That was not in the movie. That seems a little unnecessary. Give it a goog.

I don't know. They're winners. They're champions. Adversity is good. I'd love to talk to these guys who got paid for that. Let's hear their story. The N-Wars, you could have just said try harder. I would have gotten it. But also, skateboarders, a lot of them don't have dads. A lot of them didn't have really family around and they sort of find their own chosen family. Well, pre-internet, growing up in the 80s and 90s, it was like,

This board, you bought it for 50 bucks and it was all day. You skateboard, you drink out of a hose somewhere, you skateboard for another three hours, you buy a Mountain Dew, you skateboard, maybe get a slice of pizza, and then you go home. That was the whole day. Didn't you start it in New Orleans? Yeah, yeah. And we'd film each other and all that. And it was great. It was a great time. It is weird because it was like, I think it was Kevin Christie, a good friend of mine, comic in LA, who actually used to make stickers for Toy Machine. Whoa.

Like a genius artist. He made a board for Billy Marks. Like he's, you know, he's awesome. And so he, him and Chris are homies. And why am I losing my train of thought? Not because I took a drug before the show. Oh, because he said, I was like, you know, when you're dating a skateboarder, like they look at, he drives by like a staircase. Yes, yes. Walks by like a pole or like a- Or ledges. And they look at them like-

you would look like a woman's ass or something. He'd literally be like this. And I'm like, who is she? And he's like this, this, we got to come back to this whatever staircase. And, uh, it was funny cause Kevin was like, Oh, his job's illegal. You know what I mean? Like he walks past, like if you see like a, um, like a bench, like a concrete bench, he'll have little knobs on it to stop skateboarders from losing. He'll be like motherfuckers, but he knows how to take them off. Oh,

And they sort of, and then I was sort of like, is it a red flag that my guy like spends all day at a high school that his kids don't go to? Do you know what I mean? Because a lot of it is done at high schools like Warrenburg, uh, uh,

Wallenberg is, I think, the back of a high school, right? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somewhere in L.A., but yeah. No, it's in San Francisco. Oh, sorry, sorry. But it's all California these days. But it's the same with them with like, all right, we got to skate here until the security guard shows up. That's like us with saying retard. We'll say retard so we can say it.

Then we'll stop saying it when the people yell at us and then we'll go back. But that's why it's so sad when comics get mad at other comics because you're like, imagine a skateboarder going, hey, you can skate here. That's inappropriate. Perfectly put. And you're like, you're one of us, you fucking homo. What are you doing? Perfectly put. But I don't think any good comics do that. That's true. The same way skateboarders would be like, don't do that because I can't do it. Right.

You're too focused on your own shit. Yeah. You don't have the time for that. Don't you think there was always comics that did that? Like, remember, didn't Bill Cosby call up Eddie Murphy and say you're too dirty or something? Good point. Yeah. We all know Cosby was sort of the true north of morality. Yeah. But I just mean, like, when you're telling other people to behave better, you're just revealing yourself. Whenever someone's like, you shouldn't make jokes about this. I'm like, what are you up to?

Yeah. You need to like be self-righteous openly. I'm literally at the point if anyone is like pious or self-righteous openly and like what comes off perfect, I'm like, show me the tunnels in your house. Like even at this point, I'm like chair. We'd have to get anti-Semitic here. Okay.

No, Diddy had tunnels too. Diddy had tunnels too. And Hamas. That went to the... Oh, yeah. That went to Hugh Hefner's house maybe. Is that right? Dude, Jaguar Wright is my spirit animal. Am I allowed to say that? Jaguar Wright used to sing for... Dude, back in the day... Who's that? It's so crazy. So she sang for The Roots. She's been in a bunch of bands. But back in the day when like...

gorgeous singers couldn't sing that well, they would get other people to sing their lyrics, like Truth About Cats and Dogs, but like music. And then they would like get paid 500 bucks to sing the lyrics and then they get some like hot girl to pretend they were singing it. I think Jennifer Lopez did this quite a bit apparently. And so Jack Ma- - Didn't they do this in the LL Cool J song, "Doin' It"? - Maybe.

Yeah, I think so. And so she's one that used to do that. And she's been saying like Diddy's a sex trafficker, Diddy's a sex trafficker. And everyone's like, she's crazy. She's jealous. She's been saying this for like years. And she's on TikTok and she's out there just naming them, naming them. Whoa. Jaguar Wright, W-R-I-G-A-T. She just went on Piers Morgan and was like, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly said Jay-Z,

put Aaliyah on a faulty plane on purpose. Oh! I don't know, allegedly. I don't know. Jaguars are cool name. Wow, that's what you took from that? Yeah. That's all I got. The liquor's hidden. Oh, is that her?

All right. Like she, I mean, she might, I mean, she will be dead any minute. So listen to it while you can. She's just saying it. She's been saying all this about Diddy for years and everyone's like, she's crazy. Really? Yup. Yup. I wonder if Epstein is, I wonder if he'll, you know, commit suicide. She's saying like Clive Davis, allegedly. Do you think he's going to get off before this shit goes to trial? Cause too many powerful people are at play here or what? Hmm.

No, I think, I mean, here's what I love about murderers. Go ahead.

murderers in prison kill pedophiles that's true they're like no we kill adults we don't there's a code you know what i'm saying like there's a video of this uh guy who had life in prison he had like long hair and he killed a guy uh in prison who was in for pedophilia or you know whatever and the judge is like did you kill this man he's like yes i did and i'm glad i did you know like he did whatever he did and they're like how did you do it he was like i grabbed a you know whatever it was a cord

put it around his neck, held it, made sure he suffered for long enough. Like he talks. Whoa. It like gives you goosebumps because it's obviously this. Did you kill this man? Cause we just found out through DNA that he is innocent. And so, yeah, that child was a filthy lying whore. But like, like in prison, you don't last long. If you're rich, you might just get fucked to death. I don't know. But I don't think, I think that,

Well, he is gay. I think he's too much of a...

I don't know. I don't think he's going to kill him. I think he's going to. I think he's like a weak person is probably going to snitch because he has tapes of all this stuff, too. Yeah. 120 people just came out with. If you're doing something that shady and there's a camera, isn't a party like maybe I should do this. Do you think they knew there was a hammer? Maybe. I don't know. I haven't seen it, so I don't know. And there was like all these people deleted all their tweets and stuff like this. This is like Jennifer Lopez dated him. Like this could be crazy.

Yeah, this could be crazy. This could be wild. But also, like, the music business is so disgusting. Yeah, but that fist fight in the hotel hallway, to me, says it all. That alone is insane. And there's something to be said for the fact that she held on that for so long. So my guess, don't you think she probably was like...

I've got this. I'll name some stuff. I saw some stuff, but like, you know what I mean? She's probably been trying to. And now with a white man. Who? Cassie. Woo-hoo. Who's she with? Kevin Spacey. She turned around. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I love that he's like back. Oh, he's back, baby. You know what's crazy? I told you the Chaz Palminteri story, right? Maybe. You were out of town. I was supposed to go to Chaz Palminteri's one-man show. He did our pod. He's the man. He's the man and the only person that can be named Chad and it's cool. Chaz, sorry. Well, anyway, I was supposed to go to the one-man show. I was so pumped to go and I got like pretty sick and I had fully loaded the next morning. I was like, if I don't rest up, it's going to be a long weekend. So I text him like, I'm so sorry.

I'm just feeling pretty rough, but I really want to see it. And he was like, I totally understand. I see Mike Lavin, homeless pimp at the airport. The best. Who directed the show. Yeah. And I see him in the LaGuardia lounge. And he goes, dude, it's like the Attell joke. You should have hung out. Yeah.

And I'm like, fuck, what happened? He goes, Kevin Spacey came through. He goes, we had dinner with him all night. We got drunk. He was the man. All I'm thinking is if I got there, I would have got him on this pod somehow. I love that when people get canceled, we're like,

You're welcome here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy Piven, come, come, come. Come home. The water's warm. Come on over here. Kevin Spacey. I just feel like the Kevin Spacey ep of this would be fucking epic. I mean, Dory Daniels did stand up for 10 minutes. Stop. And we're like, come on over here. We're like, quit stand up, but come on the pod. Yeah.

But also, Kevin Spacey, the thing that's shady about it is two of his accusers just died or committed suicide. Is that right? Sorry to laugh. It feels a lot like House of Cards. I know. It's a little bit like, are you researching a role, dude? Yeah, if you look up Kevin Spacey accusers dead, two of them are dead. And he's very tight with the Clintons, who if you ever worked for the Clintons, you just all of a sudden have a bullet wound in your head and you hung yourself. Like, huh?

The Clintons are the closest it comes to like Russians. Allegedly. Where someone just says like, yeah, a gunshot. Bill Clinton is Teflon. Everything slides off that guy. What is that? He even came back from the DNC. I was like, what the fuck? I thought this guy was in trouble. Wild. You can't get mad at Trump for what he did and celebrate Clinton. The painting of...

of him in Epstein's house where he's like dressed as a woman you only do that if you're like besties pull it up let's see by the way I didn't even know about that what oh it's a beauty okay you gotta jump on my chain with Rogan I gotta get you let's get a tech thread started the three of us yeah yeah totally so this was in Epstein's house wow it's and I actually a friend of mine's a journalist and I have the picture of the guy that posed for this which is no way yeah let me see and now he's an Olympic swimmer haha

Yeah, this is on the transphobic list of Halloween costumes. Maybe I'll wear this for Halloween. Me as Bill Clinton. That's really funny, actually. It's a little niche, but somebody will get it. Just say I'm Tripoli. Okay, whoa. Okay, this is a photo of the person that posed for the painting. Wow.

Not kind of well. Was that Ross Bennett? I wanted to print that out for Joe's studio. Jesus Christ. Wow. Paul Dano, if things didn't work out. Is that Joe List? All right. I hate your guys. Look at the hairy legs. Man. Tight. So, like, I don't know. And, like, all the chefs are dead.

Yeah. Is it two Clinton chefs that are dead? Yeah, and an Obama chef. And an Obama chef. No, well, he drowned in an intrapot. I'm sorry. It's not funny. He's black. The mom of that chef came out and said they were having an affair or something, allegedly. Oh, interesting. All these photos of him with Epstein were just fine. I think there's something. Well, it's Trump, too. I mean, it's like, come on. You know when your bar for someone just is so low that- Yeah.

you're like, meh. Well, Clinton was the classic example of a guy who got away with shit just due to charm. He was accused of rape. It was due to charm that he got away with it for so long, that kind of slow southern accent. Oh, yeah. And just knowing how to game people. I mean, he just knew how to fucking crush people. They're all even-

You have to be a psychopath or a sociopath to even run for office at this point. Yeah. Right? They're all just sick. Well, look at the options we have. Yeah. It's not good. Although I will say the Walls, what's it, J.D. Vance debate was actually kind of professional. It was nice to see like it was an 80s debate. We need to get back to what made this country great. Yeah.

Straight white. You have a Maro straight up, but just kind of nice, man. A little fucking. Very nice. Digestif. Yes. You know what I'm into? Anal? Frenet. I love Frenet. You like Frenet? I'm super into Frenet. Robita. A little after dinner drink. Makes that tummy feel nice. I'll just have another drink. I was performing somewhere one night and I was just like hanging out with the bartender. I think a lot of people forget that like we spend a lot of time in like kitchens and

We are the hell. I mean, we are the, you know. So whenever I'm like hanging out with a bartender at like a venue or something between shows, I had a sore throat one night. And he was like, have a shot of this. And I was like, this looks scary. And I'm like, I love it. It's good. Whenever I feel like I'm getting sick or like I'll do a shot of Fernette. Fernette. It does feel very medicinal. It does. Italian, right? It's got to be. It's got to be. I don't know. I think black folk have really...

Captured it. Oh, is that so? Oh, in Chicago. This is all they drink. Really? That and Cavasier and Hennessy. And Malort. And Malort. That's what I'm thinking of. Malort. Sorry. Colt 45. Malort is fucking. That is rough. I don't like. That's what I was thinking you were talking about. Oh, no. Malort will fuck your ass up. I don't even know what that is. It's a Chicago staple.

What happened to Fireball? Is that a thing? Every white woman who drank it died, I think. Why are we putting cinnamon in our whiskey? Unless Bodega Cat does a cinnamon whiskey edition in case, you know, I say it's a good idea. What do you think about this new wave of a can that's a pre-made margarita? I think they do that, don't they? If it's done right, it's called a ready-to-drink. RTDs, yeah. Look,

We're going to do that with Bodega Cat. We're going to do like Manhattan's Boulevardiers, paper planes. We're going to do little cans. I love that shit when you're on like a flight and they have those little tip top whatever. Yeah. I love that shit. Now speaking of. When you're lazy, just pour it over ice. You're good. Speaking of curing the throat, what was Hawk 2 at like?

Is she cool? She seems fun. She's blown up, huh? Oh, she's blown. Honestly, like, it's... I knew everyone was going to make fun of me for having her on, but I was like, dude, there is something to be said for... For spitting on a penis? She's got it. Like, relentless...

excuse me, relentless authenticity. Like, honestly, she is funny. She's hilarious. Really? I asked her what her like hobby was. Like, what do you do for fun? And she said, I love seafood.

I was like, I love seafood and then didn't list anymore. That was it. And I was like, you're kind of a genius. I'll be honest. That's one of my favorite hobbies. I love seafood. Dude, she's not. Because like even people are like, I'm just being authentic right now. And they will say like a rehearsed thing, you know, on Instagram or TikTok or whatever. She's so grateful to be successful. She was working in a spring factory.

No. With her grandmother. And also something that's so refreshing about her is that like this whole thing where all white women are like traumatized and it's like so hard for them to get through the day and they're so fragile and delicate. But also we should be equals and present. But also we like can't get through the day, especially if you like look at me weird and I need to work from home and like, you know, and I need a mental health day. She lives with her grandmother and I was like, oh, well, what does your mom think of all this? She's like, my mom's a crackhead. Wow. I don't talk to her. And I was like,

Oh, well, is that hard for you at all? She's like, no, I'm a crack baby. It made me funny. I live with my grandmother. Like next. And it wasn't like a white woman just going on. I love that. I was like, this is... That's a great point. This is real trauma. Yes. And she's fine. Yes. And instead of hearing someone blow me about their fake trauma, they're triggered by like someone saying Merry Christmas in the office or whatever bullshit. Sing it, sister. There was something just so... Also, like...

You know, look, I'm like half from Virginia, Texas. And like, we hate people from Hollywood. Like Hollywood hates people from the South. They think they're dumb. It's part of the reason I want to work on Roseanne, because the main thing I asked Roseanne Barr,

Before I did the show I said what is like the thesis of the show? Why did you want to make this and she's like it's so important to people that It's so important to me that people know just because we're poor doesn't mean we're stupid. Mmm And I like love that you know what I mean? And so worse we like Hollywood hates poor people. They think they're dumb. They think they're backwards. It's like wild I mean the office I love the office, but it is making fun of poor people and

Is that right? Is it? It's like, wouldn't it be funny if people worked in a paper mill and like went to Chili's? I don't know if that's the point of the office. It's so relatable. It's a bunch of rich people from Harvard going like these idiots that work in a paper mill. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like. But then you could say the same of the Simpsons because they're Harvard writers. But are they making fun of Homer and Mark? Well, they're anime. Yeah. I mean, yes.

I think it's just like the idea of like everyone that works in a middle America. I don't know. It's just that always kind of felt like that to me. Right. It felt a little bit like that to me. Like, like they go to Chili's. Like you just picture the writer, writer's room being like, they should go to Chili's. Like that's hilarious. You're like, some people go to Chili's. That's true. That's where they,

eat dinner. Most of America. You know, what if he has a PT Cruiser? What a loser. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, look at Nate Bargatze, Theo. These guys really resonate, you know, because of shit like that. And that's most of the people. You go on the road and people just want to hear jokes. If you're like, I have anxiety, people in Kalamazoo are like, shut the fuck up. Or tell me a great anxiety joke. Don't just fucking tell me your problems. I didn't come here to forget my problems by just listening to your problems. Do you have anxiety? I don't know.

I don't have health insurance. Right, or teeth. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I just lost my arm in a tractor accident. Yes. So it's like she's most people. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, right, right. And so I think it also was just like someone, it came to this for people, like this whole thing of like representation on screen. We need like a half Indian trans tie

It's like that's not most. Yeah. Well, that's why all that shit's failing. Like Disney is all they're all really losing. I don't know. I kind of love the new show on Peacock. Half Indian trans lazy lady boy. It's a good show. Sorry, I couldn't get that out. I'm a little out of it. Did you? I should have eaten before this. Yeah. She's just like, why not? And I also found something fascinating about the fact that she just like didn't ask for this. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. She was like going out, drinking, and there's something wild. Although how great would that be if this was somehow a plant? If somehow they fucking got us? There is something weird about it. And then slowly she's like, she's sliding shit out that's like CIA. Yeah, it's too natural. You know who's mad about it is the guy who filmed it. He's like, wait, can I get some love? Oh, no!

No, no, no, dude. The guy that filled it. This mother, he made so much money off of her. Started making merch. She DM'd and she was like, hey, can you take this down? Like, I have a job. Like, he got so big off of it. And she was drunk during it. So it's like, you're not allowed to, like, have sex with a girl while she's drunk, but you can, like, make her famous without her consent. Finally, a girl's got a wild positive story. Oh, yeah. She didn't show her tits. She just talked about how she sucked dick and now she's the number four podcast.

On all of iTunes. You're this famous for doing that. People see me in the airport, they're like, tell me a joke. What do you say when you see her? Like,

How does that work? What do you get out of her? There's a grandma and her granddaughter like, Hak Tua. It's her. She's the Hak Tua. Haven't we always had this, though? I'm kind of obsessed with when something like this happens. We're like, this isn't the first time this has happened. Remember Ken Bone? Ken Bone. No. Oh, yeah, I do remember a little. He was at one of the debates or something. Or town hall. Oh, yeah.

It was a meme for 10 minutes. But also, this is another thing that it's like, I hate having to say this, but comics, we're not the only people that are funny. That's true. We work harder. We craft jokes. We take it seriously as a job. But when you see memes now and you're like, someone that works at H&R Block, who made that? They're funny. They do steal a lot of our jokes. That's true. But the fuck Jerry feed. I know what you mean. Sometimes you just meet people.

you know who like have no aspirations to be a comic like i was just in ireland and every fucking person who stopped me on the street i'm like why is this dude funnier than me what the fuck funny like i i ran into so many people just walking around like dublin or belfast oh yeah i fucking love there's something about like repressed catholicism yes laugh too where it's like it's the same shit in like ireland as it is in like boston yes where you're like these dudes are just fucking funny i know but they're not trying to stand up they're like no it's just for my

friends. I'm just fucking, I'm busting chops. It's like that type of energy. But my Twitter feed is all people are like, like all the comedians are like, we got to stop racism. But then all the randos are like, just zinging about. You hear the one about this Mexican? Yeah, they're great. Nailed it. Cause that's also my thing. When someone's like, you can't make that joke. I'm like, comedy is for people whose lives are hard and they need a break and they need a coping mechanism.

Yeah, this wasn't for you. Congratulations. Comedy's for everybody. Comedy's for everybody. I know, but I mean, it's like, I'm so glad that your life is going so well that your biggest problem today is the joke I tweeted. I know, I know. I'm so happy for you. Agreed. This isn't for you. I remember when Bill Burr did SNL, he had that whole, that SNL monologue and it got all this hate and you tweeted, if you don't like this, maybe comedy just isn't for you. Like, it's a funny monologue. Yeah, and I was like, I liked your tweet. Well, you know, it's Bill Burr. I know.

I know. For fuck's sake. He's not just one of the best. He's one of the best ever. And he puts so much fucking work into it. Of course. And it was great. Have you ever gone into a restaurant and read the menu and you didn't want to order something? You're like, I'm allergic to lobster. And been like, I'm fucking out of here. I know. It's very strange. You know what I mean? It's like, that one wasn't for you. Yes.

But by the way, I didn't say, hey, we should close down this restaurant because I'm not really into the menu. I was like, you know what? I just not nothing really resonated. Right. But you don't get angry. You're right. It's a very strange. You don't go to a store and go like, I wouldn't wear that shirt. That's ugly. I'm not buying anything. Fuck. Burn it down. Like, what? It's very dictatorial behavior. It's actually quite Trumpian who they claim to hate. Do we do that with anything, though? I'm always kind of like if I get angry about something, I'm like, do I see myself? Do I do this? Yeah.

Well, just because you get angry by something doesn't mean that you do it. I do it with like kids. I don't think kids should be famous. Like I have like a hot take. I don't think kids should be entertainers. So I do think that when I see like I'm only like that with like shows with kids. Oh, really? It does seem like it fucks them up 90% of the time. But what's the thing that we do that with?

Do you mean service animals? Maybe when we're like the peacock, do we need to service? Oh, we do make fun of people doing that to us. Right. I don't know. That's interesting. But I'm not calling for them to take their heads and cut that out. I'm like, oh, that's you can keep your job. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but like, what are the things that we have are picky and like self-righteous? What annoys me? Or that we're like, I don't know. I have peeves. I got peeves all the time. Let's see what I got. Oh, we're doing pet peeves. I forgot about that.

Oh, yeah. Well, I got enough for all of us because I haven't seen them. Well, okay. This is a fucking peeve. I got one. This is probably such a- Line cutters. Oh, that. This happened. So I landed- They should be killed. Cutters, fine. On a red eye to London and no sleep. And you landed Heathrow Airport. It's just like that fucking setup where you have to get on the elevator to get downstairs. There's like-

That's crazy. Everyone's lined up. Everyone's just like, fuck. So we wait in line. This woman tries to cut in and my girlfriend's psychotic. She fucking boxes her out. She boxes her out. You mean awesome? I know. Awesome? But I mean, this is where she's psychotic.

No, that was cool. And then another woman, she goes, no, you get in. And she like boxed her out for another person to get in because they were online. And then we get in and the woman goes, oh, really? Oh, really? And then, you know, she just said back, nice try. And she goes, oh, an American, of course. And she says back, bye, sweetie. And the door's shut. And I was like, we just got here. You guys.

You couldn't let us have like a fucking 10 minutes in London before we got to move on. I'm on your girlfriend's side. Me too. She was right with the bye-bye, sweetie. That's badass. Dude, we left England for a reason. Your leaders are inbred. You have mascots that run your country. I'm not doing this. Yes. You may or may not have killed Kate Middleton. Probably killed Princess Diana. You know what I mean? Like, what are we doing? You're all like Paddington Bears.

I hear it's a great movie, by the way. I heard Paddington 2 is flawless from what I've heard. I've never seen it, but people are like, that's the greatest movie ever. We're done with the pedophilia talk. But when someone does that, they're like, my time's more important than yours. I know. Or the line cutters piss me the fuck off. Or you're bad at time management. It's like, I got to catch a flight. It's like, no, we're all at the airport. I always get annoyed when the person is like, I got to make my flight and they cut the line. You're just like,

Yeah, no, I do too, but I just woke up earlier than you. Yes, exactly. I left early. Like, we all had to do this. Although, dude, I did my fucking, I haven't gone international in a while, and my global entry ran out like a week and a half ago. Woo!

And I was like, fucking kill me. So, you know, that was a pain in the ass. So you had to go with the general pop? General pop on the way back. When you're used to the global entry, but look, it's the first world. But I also think this is a good thing. I think that comics start to suck.

when they stop doing the things everybody does. I agree. I flew back from Skank Fest, middle seat, because I forgot to book my flight, middle seat in the back. Good. Brutal. I felt like Rosa Parks. Did you get recognized? Of course. Hey, comedy, comedy. How you doing? You're not sitting there, are you? I'm like, oh, I'm shooting a sketch. Yeah. Brutal. Brutal.

Speaking of airports, what's going on with the bins? They got rid of the bins. What bins? The bins in the security line. So they're like, hey, take all your shit out and put it in the bag. Put it in your bag. I'm like, my bag is airtight. If I open that thing, it's going to spring out with dildos and shrooms. It's all bullshit. You want me to put loose change for my pockets and my keys in my bag? The bag is done. That bag, I had to sit on it to pack it, to zip it.

No bins. So I'm just like going through. I have to put all my shit in my coat, take the coat off, put that in the belt. Have you seen this? The no bins? The no bins is unacceptable. I love a bin. Let me put my shit in a bin. I want a bin. The bins annoy me, though. There are some bins, too. And you take it and they go automatic. And sometimes the person behind you, their bin goes first. Are we not America? Bin Laden. It's a nightmare. Have you been on a plane yet where someone tries to answer a FaceTime?

I have seen that. That should be the whole plot of Soul Plane. I had a guy with that, yeah. Dude, I

I was on a plane. I'd rather be on one of the 9-11 flights. Fucking horrible. You heard it. I'll land in five hours, bro. I'll see you soon. I literally hear it ring. He picks it up. Three rows behind him, three rows in front of him. We all just went, no. Nope. Like, we are united as a country over this thing. It is actually really fun. We're all like, nah, dude, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Yes. We would not stop. I'm with you. I love that we've all agreed we're not doing that. All right. Here's a peeve. How about this one? The guy who calls you, you're busy, so you don't answer, you miss the call, and then he texts you, goes, hey, man, just tried you.

Yeah, I know. Now the phone has alerted me that you called. You don't need to text and go, hey, I just tried you. I avoided you for a reason. You know, like I'm trying to avoid you. Now you're trying me with a different type of communication. Technology has come a far away and I still don't care for you. Yes. Yes. Just because you text now doesn't mean like, oh, I like this guy now. No, no, I still hate you. I just I missed your call for a reason.

Now you're going to text me? Hey, you missed my call. Yeah, I know. I love a text before a call. That I love. I need like a two-day heads up if you're going to call me. How's Wednesday, Whitney? Yeah, yeah, we'll do it. All right.

All right, all right, all right. I'll say this about the, I was just always in all the Scandinavian countries, you know, like Norway, Sweden, fucking Copenhagen, Amsterdam, amazing. Amazing. But it is amazing. You're in like Copenhagen or, you know, Sweden or wherever and like, they all speak great English. I know. It's not their language. You make sure you know such a piece of shit. I'd walk into a store and they'd be like, blurgan, blurgan. I'd be like, is there a bathroom here? And they'd be like, oh yeah, right over there. And I'm like, you speak English? Because we're Americans.

And it's a great country and everyone understands that. Yeah. Those are beautiful countries too. Well, it's all white. Dude, when I went to... It's not. When I went to... It literally is Hitler's dream. When you go to Sweden, you're like... The blonde. I went... When I was in Sweden, my problem there was like... It is a very... Whatever that even means. Country, progressive, whatever. And I was doing...

was like i don't know 10 years ago your blackface retards and i was doing well they have the blackface santa claus they loved it you know the blackface santa claus they still do in sweden i don't know pull it up look up blackface santa claus sweden i think oh is this trudeau's halloween canadian yeah black pete is called okay yeah so do images because they call pete davidson's cock

Whoa! Yeah, they still do it. Come on! Not a fan. They still do it. That makes me very uncomfortable. This is like a Jordan Peele movie. What the hell is going on? That's not even black. That is ebony. That's very uncomfortable. That is ebony. Yeah, that's dark. That is not even... Sweden's gorgeous, though. It is an incredible country. And I was doing some joke about when a guy hangs up on you, and you do that, and then you call him back, and then he hangs up on you, and blah, blah, blah. And it was...

Like it was like doing fine in America at the time. And finally I was like, why is this bombing? And someone just went, oh, over here, men respect women. Oh. And I was like, all right, none of these jokes are going to work. Wow. All right, I take it back. I hate Sweden.

My godfather's Swedish, and I don't know him well, but it's like he's like a very, you know, dignified, sweet man. Good sign of a godfather. I don't know you that well. Never see you. Well, my mom was a single mom at the time, so it's so funny that my godfather was just like a much older gay Swedish man who was like very posh. Amazing. And my mom was like, he'll raise you. If my mom died, I would have had the most different childhood ever. Oh, that's true. So I remember like, you know,

I told my mom, I was like, does Johan want tickets in Sweden? And she goes, I don't think Johan can handle your material. And I was like, yeah, I did just work on a come in the sink chunk. Probably not for the best. He'd make a gay guy would love that. That is so funny. Damn. I would have a very different life. I have a pet peeve. Please. I didn't really prepare for this, but I'm going to throw it out there. Lay it on me. It's very rare I check my email, but when I do, when people have like a quote,

With their sign off. I hate that. You know what I mean? I'd rather laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints. Fuck off. It's also just like, no, it's just like trading. You know what I mean? It's like some email. It's just like, oh, you didn't get that job. And then it's like, don't ask for a light look. Ask for a strong back. Why is this Marilyn Monroe? Oh,

Oh, this is it. It was a Charles Bukowski quote. Oh, no. By the way, I love Charles Bukowski. Sure, great quote. You obviously don't know Charles Bukowski. You have a corporate job. He does some good stuff. And there's totally a video of him hitting a woman off of a couch. I didn't care for that shit. Pull it up. That was a rough video. Rough video. Yeah. It was a different time. And she took good care of him, too. Really? She's the reason he made it to, like, 72. I know nothing about their relationship. Who's filming that? Like, how did that get on TV? I think they were doing a documentary. Oh.

Oh, wow. Which, by the way, the fact that he did that shit on camera. True. What's going on behind the scenes? Although Hollywood is such a funny book. I love they put an ad in front of this woman beating video. And he was not a looker. No. I think that's part of it. Like, did you ever see or read Iceberg Slim's book, Pimp? I did not. He talks about like if a woman's out of your league, you have to kind of abuse her for the Stockholm Syndrome or something. Damn.

Gross. He was not a handsome man. He talked about it a lot. He knew. Oh, shit. All right. I kicked her off the couch. We've all been there. It wasn't like violent. It's just not good. I mean, it's not great, but, you know, equality. She could probably take him at this point of his life, though. Oh, yeah. He's a mess. God, he's atrocious. He had the boils on his face when he was young. Ugh.

Wrote some good shit, though. Yeah, yeah. Had some great quotes. Bukowski getting pissed. Have you seen the video of Nick Cage losing his shit for four minutes straight? No. What? Pull it up. I mean, I've seen the- Dude, my friend, so my friend Alex Wolfe is an actor, and he's in Pig with Nicolas Cage, and they're friends, and Alex is playing- You have to turn it up. He's playing Leonard Cohen in this movie coming out, and it looks, it's awesome. I saw an episode of it. He's amazing as Leonard Cohen.

But he's playing me voice messages from Nick Cage, and they're just everything you would hope. Whoa. Every message, I'm like, wow, this guy's the coolest. Oh, this is acting. You have to turn it up a bit. Oh, this is not real. No, it's just in every movie where he loses his shit. He's a great actor. How many takes do you think he's doing of this shit? Yeah. Have I fucking been gone, huh?

This is Tom and Christina. Oh, man. That's Sam after a bomb. I'm in the same hotel. Oh, that's fun. Mark at his new apartment. Yeah, yeah.

He's giving us some good entertainment. God bless him. Face off. I watch this twice a week.

By the way, if you haven't seen Red Rock West, that's a fucking great Nick Cage movie from the 90s. Never heard of it? Underrated. Made by John Dahl, who did Last Seduction. Great movie. Have you seen Riding the Bus with My Sister? What's that? Rosie O'Donnell playing the part of a person? No, I haven't, but I've seen the clips. We've done the clips on here. We have? Of course. How'd I forget that? It was early We Might Be Drunk days. Oh, okay. Well, we drank on this. Blacked out.

Oh, I do. I thought that was Jack Black. All right. Now I got it. It's Ralphie Mae. Oh, man. How about this one? I had this happen to me twice at Skank Fest. I'm not going to say the comics. You ever tell a joke...

No one hears it, and then someone repeats the joke, and they get a laugh. Oh, I hate that. Oh, that happened twice to me at Skankfest. Cosman C made a whole career on that show. Do you think they heard? I think it was subconscious. It slipped because it went under the radar, and then they said it. It was too convenient. They said it like two seconds later or two minutes later. Yeah.

It happened. And they got the big pop. And you don't want to be the guy going, I just said that. That was my line. Because then you look like a psycho. But I was thinking it. I'm desperate to know who. Only because. I mean, it doesn't even matter. But, like, I could never. Like, if I said.

If I heard you say it, I'd be like, Mark just said this. Sure, sure. That's fair. I always like to be the part, because I'm with you. I hate when that happens. And I'm always like, no, no, no. Did you hear what he just said? Guys, say it again. Yeah. But I also don't like being the say it again person. Right. Because now I can't say it again. Right, right. Also, you don't want to say it again in case they heard it and didn't like it the first time. Yes, exactly. It's a tough situation. It's a delicate balance. So you don't know what to do, but you're like, ain't it got a big laugh?

So you're like, oh, that was my thing. But what could you do? But also it's like if it got a big laugh, whoever that person was, people are so unused to them being funny. Wow. Do you know what I mean? It's like why did it get such a... Angelica Houston directed that movie? Whoa. No one saw that coming. Angelica Houston, one time I saw her on a plane and she was sitting next to someone who was like a handler or something. I have like Tourette's. I'm just saying people's secrets. And the...

brought her food and then she was like thank you so much this is I mean she's Angelica Houston yeah right I'm like staring at everything she's doing and then the person next to her took the food got up and said this is not what she ordered oh and I was like sick

You have someone who's a bitch for you. Yeah, that's smart. You never have to be a bitch to anybody. Great call. She was so nice. And then someone went, this is not what you fucking ordered. We like did the thing ahead of time. She has a dietary thing. That's genius. Genius. I should do that. Like if you have sex with a lady and you're like, okay, that was great. And then some other guys like, you got to get the fuck out. You're overstaying your welcome. You're a bitch. Just a fucking sassy gay guy. Fuck you. Right. Right.

I'm not going to say my pet peeve. Say it! I don't like it to be gendered. The only thing my guy and I fight about. All right, here we go. It's not even a fight. It's not even a fight. I'm so in love with him. I have no notes. He's a hunk. It's all over. Great head of hair. What? Please. I love them. Why the backing, the needing to find the perfect parking spot. It's just like, and backing into the space. That's a guy thing. You're not saving time. Right. Wait, why not?

You're not. To back in. Oh. Do you know what I mean? Because you're going to have to back out. It's the exact same amount of time. No, you get to pull out straight, unlike Dave Grohl. He does not pull out. That is not. Okay. That's not the deal we signed. But you know what I mean? Like, if you pull in backwards, it takes a little bit longer, but you get to pull out straight, and you're good. But you can pull in straight, and then back out. That's true. It's probably equidistant. I was just picking what time. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of a delayed gratification. You know, hey, I'll spend the time backing in, which is a little more of a bitch, but then I get to... What do trans people do?

What do you mean? Do they back in or do they pull? I don't know. Transportation. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. What do trans people do? I don't know. Huh. And if they dance, who leads? All right. Good question. Pet peeves. Pet peeves. How many real trans people do you think there are? Because some are real and then I think some are on the bandwagon. I don't know. Look at Drake's text messages. Pet peeves. Pet peeves.

Oh, I had one more. Oh. Then we got to go. In general, I'm sure everybody's already said this, but when someone dies, someone who kind of knows them being like, oh, or them going like, oh, he was such a nice guy. Yeah. As your way of star fucking after they're dead. Oh, like you knew them? He's such a nice guy means like, oh, so you knew him? Right. Or the way people write these like...

It's the idea that someone famous dies and the idiot immediately goes to their eye photo like, where's that photo? Oh, yeah. That is strange. It's like picturing people doing that. Yeah. Yeah, that is weird. Got to make it about you somehow. Yeah, I don't know. Unless it's someone you really were close with. That's true. It is weird. Would you ever tweet or post about your wife that she's your rock? No. I feel like they're about to break up. 100%. Or he's going to kill her. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel the same way with like a dead grandma. People like post this long Facebook thing about their dead grandma. I'm like, just go have this with your family. Unless it's talk to her and she fucking raised you. Wow. That's true. That's true. It's like pity bait or something. Yes. Yeah. You're using this for clicks. You want me to feel sorry for you. Yes. Certain people. I'll take a step further. There's people who are like, my grandma died 10 years ago today. She would have been 103 today.

Well, guess what? She had a pretty good life. Yes. 103 is insane. That's crazy. You really expected her to make it that long? That's crazy. People wanting to be pitied is this weird new trend where someone's like, I have Lyme disease and everyone needs to stop what they're doing. Well, victim is big. Yeah.

Yeah, why would you want to be known as a victim? It's trendy. I don't know. It'll go away. But you have to cower. If you're a victim, now we all have to go, oh, sorry, now we're on our heels. It's actually quite a good tactic. It's pretty smart. Right, right, right. It's a way to bully people. Yeah. So if you go, if you're The Rock and you're trans, he has to go...

Oh, shit. What was it? Her? Zeezer? Oh, fuck. Now he's on his heels, so you're winning. So there's something sadistic about it. I want to watch you squirm. A little bit. I don't know about sadistic, but I think it's a power thing. There's something to it where now you've got a famous person or a person who's better than you squirming. I had a guest come on. He was a big YouTube person, social media influencer person.

And I really like her. And she talked about having a mental illness. And I was like, what? That's what they do. That's another one. Everyone's bragging about how mentally ill they are. Yes, yes. What happens when this goes away and people are like, I can't hire you. You're bipolar. Oh.

Oh, that's a good point. That's what happened after Me Too. Less people hire women. They're like, I can't hire a woman, so I'm going to get accused of something. Totally, totally. And also, they never do mental illnesses that don't make them look like a victim. Like, no one ever goes, oh, yeah, I'm a narcissist. Oh, I'm a sociopath. That's funny. You know, they never do those mental illnesses. It's always like, I'm autistic, I'm non-binary, or whatever. I'm autistic, but I think it's helped. Like, I went to this doctor finally who's, like, super awesome, Dr. David Agus. He's, like, an oncologist.

I was like, look, I'm about to have a kid. I don't know what to do. I went off everything, like birth control and Prozac at the same time. And like, don't do that. And was pregnant. And I was like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't like antidepressants. If it's for you, great. If it saves your life, great.

There's a lot of people in my life I lost that I wish kept taking their antidepressants. But like, I was like, you know, I guess I have OCD, I have ADD. Everybody tells me that I'm like manic and like, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, so what should I do? What should I be on? And he was like, is any of this working for you? Ooh.

And I was like, you know what? Maybe. Is he negging you? I was like, maybe it kind of is. Like, it helped me stop, like, pathologizing myself. Like, if you don't like me, like, that's fine. I'll survive. But I was kind of just like, yeah, maybe some of these are superpowers. I was diagnosed as autistic. Really? I beat it. Like, a long time ago when it wasn't, like, cool or whatever. And so I was like, Asperger's, all that kind of stuff. Like, who? I don't, I mean, I don't know. But there is not a lot of, yeah, there's not a lot of, like...

I'm dyslexic. Yeah, it's always like I'm... But it's also something that is... You can't prove. It's also something that would wake you off the hook if you're an asshole. Exactly. You know what I mean? Mark's got a great new bit about this. Oh, good. Now let me ask you this because we got to wrap up but we got to get this out in the open. We got Whitney here. Is it true the kid, your child, is from a stalker?

No. Oh, I've been spreading that. Thank you. I'm sorry. How did that get out there? Reddit has gone amok. What the fuck? Half the people think it's Brendan Schaub. No. But here's the thing. It is progress that it is someone I met at a show. Okay, okay. You know, is that a stalker? I mean, you know, he was there with friends that were fans. I mean...

you know, but, um, that's really funny because, uh, like if, if a guy thinks a woman's funny, he must be like a stalker. Like he must be a psychopath. Well, female comedians have stalkers. Totally. You guys have more stalkers than we do for sure. Definitely. Definitely. I don't know. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I don't, we would just fuck them. Yeah. We would just be like, no, this is totally cool. Love what you're doing. The best way to get a stalker to be over you is to act like them. Um, but I, uh, uh,

That's wild to me because I think it's just progress that people think it's a human because at the beginning everybody like because I talked about freezing my eggs or something everyone thought I like fucked a Tesla or something like everyone was like wait is this how did you have the did you have it in neural link I don't know it's like the fact that

and people know that I did it naturally, it was probably good anyway, but no, he's just younger than me, and so it was just kind of like not like a match. He's like 10 years younger than me. - Oh wow. - He's awesome. - He's just a fling. - In what world would I, white trash till I die. Why would I be with the father of my kids? - But do you like him? - He's fucking awesome. - Yeah. - But he's not famous, and he's like, you know,

He's not a famous person. Does he see the little guy? I see him all the time. Okay, great. They see each other all the time. And is he co-parenting? He's amazing, yeah. Oh, great. He's the best. He's the best, but I just don't... He's actually mentally not ill. He doesn't want to be famous. Great, I love it. Was he like, please support? I mean, you said he's a young guy. Was he nervous to have it? Yeah, was it planned or no? I basically was... My mom was dying and I couldn't cry.

And I found, yeah, I found, I mean, I was out of tears on this one. She was in a bed. Both my parents had strokes 10 years ago. I've never met a woman who can't cry but can come. Yeah. For me, it's almost the opposite. I was squirting, though. Dream woman right here. Holy shit. Yeah, right? Couldn't cry. Couldn't stop squirting. And I was like, look, I'm going to go out birth control. Like, I was 40. You know, I was like...

If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I don't think we're like each other's person. Wow. Good for you. You're so awesome. You know, like he's like truly the nicest person I've ever met. Like the coolest, nicest, like just, I just, and I was in grief and all that kind of stuff. But I was just like, you know, the pandemic happened, which like stopped all of our lives. And I was like, I guess I'm just, I needed to wait for both my parents to die to have a kid. Yeah.

It's a long, super boring, unfunny story. But I was like, let's just try it. Like, why not? You know, let's just keep doing what we're doing. But like, I'd rather have a baby with a stranger than use a condom one time. So let's just go for it. I think birth control was making me nuts, dude. This is not the time, I guess, to be anti birth control. You know, I'm going to get came for. But like, it made me insane.

Really? And I was just like, I got to get off all of this shit. Mood swings, the whole thing. I was just, I was just, it also fucks up who you're attracted to because it makes you smell pheromones differently because your body thinks it's pregnant. So women that take birth control are attracted to men with more effeminate faces. Whoa. Yeah. And so they say that if you're on birth control and you get engaged with someone, go off of it for a year to make sure you're still attracted to the person. It's a whole thing. I talked about it in like my- So is this guy effeminate? No, not at all. I went off of it.

Ah.

Yeah, not a fan. I mean, he likes female comics. He thinks women are funny. So, yeah, he's a flaming f***. Joking. And so, yeah. And then just like we hung out for another couple months and he went back to North Carolina and 10 weeks later I was like, whoa. Wow. Super cool dude. Okay, we got that out there. The world has been clamoring. Yeah. I mean, it's Brendan Shaw. I guess I just was like, he was just so cool and, you know, I don't know. I was like, I want to have a kid with you. Wow.

Yeah, is that crazy? A little, but hey, it's working out. And you got a couple of bucks, so it's going to be fine. Yeah, I mean, it's like...

Of course, I would love to have one with someone, the person I'm with, but like that's just not. It's not in the cards. It's also like the nuclear family is almost like over. Yeah, it feels like it. It's just there's something fishy about it. Because also, how do I know if I want to be with someone if I haven't seen them with a kid yet? You know, it's like a whole my brain is so backwards. Interesting. I understand that. But no, it's it's interesting. Congrats on the kid. Are you going to have one?

I don't know. You have to. You have to. You have to. You just have to. It's so... This guy's got an abortion punch card going. What are you, kidding? I kind of hit 12. Get a free sandwich. Get a free one? But also my thing, and I know I have to go too, but like the... I guess I was losing my mind. I don't have to tell you guys. Like I was...

there's a certain point where as a, maybe it's female comic. I'll just speak for myself. Like, I don't know. Like maybe I'm not a narcissist. It turns out like I realized like I, I,

I kind of like myself if I'm not thinking about myself all day. That's healthy. Dude, it is just me, me, me, me, me, and me, me, me. Now you found something else to live for. When we started, we were just like writing jokes, doing standup, doing whatever other job we had to do for money. Now we're just all day, me, me. And it's just like, I didn't sign up for me all day. Here, here. I was so fucking sick of myself. I look like a crack whore there. I was so sick of myself. And now to be able to like,

- Well, we want more of you on this podcast. You're one of the best guests. - I don't know about that. - Truly, truly. - You're great. - No, this was such a good episode. - I just tried to get out of your guys' way. - No, no, no, shut up. This is a great episode. - I had my baby in New York, so child service, come for me. - You kill it, this is a great episode. - Fair. - Whenever you're in New York, come by. - And then yo, we're gonna be on Dr. Phil together in I think Arizona in December. - Oh, with Adam Ray. - Yeah. - Hell yeah. All right, that's gonna be a blast.

All right. I can't wait. If you had to choose a character from the 90s to come back as for a comedy show, Wendy Williams. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's a kook. But like in a million years, Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Huge. I might go Ricky Lake. Funny. But yeah. All right. Good stuff. Who looks a lot like Monica Lewinsky looking back.

That was a moment for plump, pale brunettes. Oh, yeah. So where are you going to be? We got you in the Paramount Theater. We got you in Denver, Salt Lake City, San Diego, Anaheim, Orlando, Jacksonville, Boston.

Ledyard, Connecticut. Atlantic City. Warner, D.C. WhitneyCummings.com, folks. Go see her live. She's all over the road. Now, do you bring the Rugrat on the road? You go first because I got mine in my bag. I bring them every now and then. Yeah, I'm still figuring that out. Nice. Okay, well, I'll be in Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kansas, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, the Poughkeepsie, Bardavon, Torrington, Connecticut,

Charleston, South Carolina, Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, Englewood, Houston, and Phoenix, Arizona, and Dallas, Texas, marknormancomic.com, punchuplive.com, slash marknorman, punchuplive, slash samoreal. Where are you going to be, Fetty? I got...

Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd, and then starting in February. We're going to add some club dates leading up to this. We're starting in February. We're going to get another tour cooking. Hopefully my material gets a little tighter. We got Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Mark's hometown, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. Maybe I'll pop by and say what's up to you.

To your baby daddy right there. We got New Haven, Connecticut, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus. I'm going on forever here. Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, blah, blah, blah. Samorelle.com. Blah, blah, blah. I'm afraid of intimacy. I can't be alone with myself. Stockholm, Sweden.

I'll be on the bus. So yeah, this is how afraid I am. I was like, I was like, I'll buy a bunch of Blu-rays for the bus. Watch guy movie night on the tour bus. Are you doing it on a tour bus? I'm doing bus the whole, the whole fucking run. So 45 cities. Whoa. On the bus. And then we'll do more in the fall. But yeah, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morell. Are you on punchup yet, Whitney? I'm trying. You got to do it. To be on punchup. There's something wrong with me where I just have decided to,

If I'm going to just fade away and be irrelevant, I guess that's what's going to happen. What are you talking about? I'm just trying. But I know there's all these. Do punch up. It's all. I just hired a manager who, yeah, they say punch up is amazing because they figure out where all your fans are based on your socials. I need to do that.

All right. Follow us there. See us on tour. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. DM Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram. So good. I drank it pregnant. Yeah. And the baby's fine. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. But if you want in your city, you know, DM Bodega Cat. There's a lot of ways to do it. It's on Instagram, Bodega Cat Whiskey, at Bodega Cat Whiskey. And...

It's a good time, man. It's a good whiskey. Yeah. We're at the strip house. Peter Lugers wants a piece of our shit. Apparently going through over 15 cases a week at the comedy cellar. You know, you want a piece of this. All the comedy clubs are hitting us up. This is going to be big improv. Laugh factor. Miami improv. Rhode Island comedy connection. All these clubs are hitting us up. Oh, yeah. If you're a comedy club, hit us up. Hilarities. We got to hit them up. Yes. We got to hit up all of them. But we love you guys. Comedy store.

Yes. Oh, good. There we go. On that note, Whitney, you're the best. See us all on tour. Just tried to queef, no doubt. We love you. Thanks for listening. All right. Sunday's the next. Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit up the same way. I'm out to lunch here in Newlands. This woman doesn't believe true.