Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
01:19:04 Share

Lean back. I'm worried about you. What are you worried about your posture here? You've been church pewing it all night. Because when I lean all the way back, I look fat. I look fat sitting forward. You're not fooling anybody. Come on. All right. What are we doing? What are we doing? Jesus Christ. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean...

Come on. Hey, we got Miss Patton out here. That's a hot photo. I'm here with an asshole with autism. Touch of the tism. Man, that is quite a rock you got on you, sister. Look at that. Yeah. Is that new? Were you engaged last time or not? Man, I've been married for 30-something years. Oh. We're bad listeners. Yeah. You're bad seers, too. I did not.

You ain't got a fucking thing over here with me, okay? You got me confused with your uncle. It's hot, man. I fucking sprinted here. I feel...

We got the AC cooking. It's cold in here to me. I'm hot. I'll get you a jacket. You want a blanket? No, I don't want a blanket. It's going to make me look bigger. You want a drink? Should we do a drink? What are we doing? We got her a Diet Coke. She's off the sauce. She's pregnant. Oh, really? No. The fuck are you talking about? I assume. I'm an old hoe. I ain't got no damn babies. You got to do Seth Meyers. You can't keep drinks.

She wants to be sharp. Really? A lightweight, huh? I wish I was lightweight. Are you drinking or are we going to drink? I'll have one. If you want to do one, I'll have one. I'll do an umbrella salad, but I can't make it myself. You don't have shit to make it with. We got everything. No. All right, we got nothing. You don't have no DeSarono, so I can't drink it. DeSarono on the rock.

Yeah. It'll give me a headache. No, we don't want to be a brave. No, no, don't if you're going on. That's enough. That's just enough for me. You're good. You're good. What do you want of that? I don't know. Come on. This is technically your birthday episode, even though this is coming out like a month later. True, true. Your birthday today? Tomorrow. Oh, happy birthday. How old will you be? 41. Oh, sorry.

What do you think? Black don't crack? I don't see no black. I definitely see some cracks. All right.

How many kids do you have now? Four. Oh, wow. The same as last time, apparently. Wow, I didn't know one died. What the fuck? Wow, it's a dangerous world out there, kiddo. I hope one ain't died. Oh, my God. He ain't got a bit of fucking sense. Do you have kids? Oh, we got one on the way. Wife's pregnant. Congratulations. Put that in your pipe and queef on it.

Very exciting. I can't imagine you having sex, Norm. I'll send you a video. No. He comes in his wife, comedy. Comedy. Comedy. He forgets to pull out, you're going to kill me. When he fucked, he constantly apologized. I'm so sorry. That's true. I'm so sorry. Do you apologize during sex a lot? Only if it's the wrong person. Yeah.

But, yeah. But I got to tell you, she was on the IUD, got that puppy removed, pregnant a week later. So I got some real super sperm here. I hate the IUD. Oh, I loved it. But isn't that pee hole? It pricks on you a little bit. It pricks the pee hole. That's true. It's not fun. You know. No, I never got an IUD, sir. I got my tunes tied. Whoa, old school. So, I mean...

Nice job, Pam. I didn't use burr control. Wouldn't have happened if the bar was over there. This whole place is falling apart. We got Salah Cuse on camera. The hell's happening here?

You didn't use birth control? No. If I didn't want them, I killed them. If I wanted them, I kept them. All right. That's fair. Yeah. What'd you do? Throw them in a well? No. I took my Medicaid slip and got them chopped up. Wow. It's called an abortion. Yeah. I paid for a few. That was pretty specific, though. Yeah. The chopped up part. Could have just said abortion. We're going into graphic detail. Well, that's pretty much what they do to them. Turn them into ragu.

Ragu. Yeah. You don't see that in an Italian menu, though. A little dead fetus ragu. You'd be surprised. Somebody shot some ragu all in you. Make those kids goo. There we go. We're both chopped up, circumcised. Yeah. What the fuck that got to do with anything? Well, you said chopped up. Yeah, we're just having small talk now. You're supposed to be circumcised. Well, that's body shaming.

What about all the anteaters out there watching? What? You know, all the... Them your granddaddies, they liked long dicks back in those days. Long. I could use the blank. My buddy got circumcised at 33 because it was getting all... Do you know who this was? I don't think so. Who is it? This guy Raj. Indian guy. Damn. He was Indian? Huh? Indian?

I don't know about that. I don't know if people want those names in here. You said, what's his name? Yeah, but we could bleep it. Oh, okay. No, you're just giving him work. You've got to move the bar back. He's got a heavy fucking schedule ahead of him. But Indians don't get circumcised anyway, do they? No, but he did it later in life just because of the hygiene. Yeah, it was getting all... Musty. It's nasty. Like when you ever see a bulldog and they get dirty, you put like a cute stuff under their eyelids. You've got to do that with your dick again. Exactly, exactly. Gross.

I have no clue what the fuck I'm talking about. You got to clean out the garage every now and then, you know? Did he say it hurt? Oh, yeah. He couldn't bang for two months, but he's ugly anyway. Two months is pretty... So why did he get circumcised? He probably wasn't getting anything before it. Well, it was just getting infected. Oh, man. Oh, he could have just put his dick in some peroxide and saved him some money. One of those little barber jars. Dip it in. Oh, yeah. Barbasol. Yeah.

No, that's for your hair. Yeah, I know. It's going for a funny visual, I guess. What the fuck? Y'all ain't got no type of hijinks. You're digging no barbers. I know it was a joke. I'm worried about your back here. What happened? What if we got you some of those beads to lean on? I like to sit for it because it made me look less fat. I'm going to try that. Yeah. Uh,

I don't like, when I sit back, my titty go up under my neck. Ooh. And these some little restaurant stools y'all got here. That's true. Do you not like these? I kind of like them. People complain. I mean, it's nice, but, you know, I don't sit back. I like to sit forward. All right. I'm top heavy. Big knobs. What are you working with, a G? Double G? I'm working with an H. An H? I've never made it that far in the alphabet. Ha ha.

I know, right? It go to Z. No. Pull up a Z. I want to see a Z. What's the H? Wow. Triple H. Are those hard to... There's Pat. Hey, that looks all right. Are those hard to shop for? No, Lane Bryant have them all the time. You just order them. They're hard to find in the store. Are you knocking lamps over at home? I feel like you let those things loose and you're going to smother the dog. No, usually I just have them hanging. Wow.

Because I don't like bras, so when I'm home, I just take my bra off and go and buy my business. That's best. Damn. It's hard carrying them all day. That's a hazard. It's not a hazard. We're back hazard. Did you ever think about the reduction? Because some people, when they got the big cans, they... I don't need a reduction. I just need to go on a diet, so they shrink with the weight loss. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, they get a little smaller, not much. It's too bad dicks don't do that. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to gain weight and you gain dick? Yeah. But if you lose weight, you lose dick. Well, sometimes you're just born with no dick. There ain't nothing you can do about it. That's true. They say every 50 pounds you lose as a man, you gain half an inch.

Because you got less buffer. So it just looks bigger in comparison to the way it looks? Your stomach is not sitting on your penis, so it gives you more dick to see. It really don't help. It's the same dick. What if you work out a lot and you have giant quads? Then your dick probably looks smaller too, but you're being healthy. But I think it's because you're banging up against it, but your belly is hitting before the dick.

See what I'm saying? Or can you rest the gut on the back? Like a shelf. You can. Okay. Men gain one inch of penis length for every 30-50 pounds they lose. Wow, who wrote that, huh? You're a small man. Did you grow anything?

I'm talking to you, Mark. Oh, sorry. You're not a head turner. Yeah, no, I didn't know which one of those were. There we go. I'm talking to you. Am I a small man? You the same as you always been. I haven't gained a pound since high school. So yeah, my dick is still three inches.

If that's what you're asking. That's what I knew. But they say that women only feel the first two and a half inches into the vaginal canal. That feels like loser talk right there. That feels like some small dick scientist is like, technically it's only the first two inches. That's when you're having sex with somebody with no ass.

Right. That's in my charter. Yeah, you should come to my side of the hood and they'll let you know what you're working with. Oh, God. I definitely won't go doggy. We're going full missionary. That way I don't have any ass to penetrate. Is missionary like Jehovah's Witnesses?

You know, the traditional man on top. We can reenact it. No, we the fuck we cannot. It's a good photo op, though. That would be nice. A good thumbnail for the episode. I wouldn't mind getting a face full of H's. No, that's okay. All right, all right. And then I can do a little curly hair white boy. Okay.

That's going to be my gift for market is baby showers, just a picture of him motorboating this pet. Mate, you don't like this? I got it framed and everything blown up. You going to tell the baby that's the bottom? It had to be a pacifier because there ain't nothing coming out of it. Chocolate milk on tap. No, it's a pacifier. It don't work anymore. Yeah, any tips on child rearing?

Child rearing. You know, raising kids. Hey! Another mom! Two moms. Hey! I didn't know you was here. How you doing? I'm good. I'm talking dick with these two white guys. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Four kids, one new kid. Yeah. Baby on the way. Yeah.

Parentally single? No, in a relationship. Am I late? No. No, no. All right, cool, cool. Don't have any kids. They're overrated. Really? Yeah. You have four of them. Why do you keep doing it? They kept putting them in me. Wait, they? Yeah.

Who are these today? Trans lady? What? Nothing. My husband and my kid, my first kid's father, they're overrated. Back in the day, you really needed kids for a good write-off for taxes. But Trump ruined all of that. He took the, you know, and then y'all probably don't even get earned income credit anyway because you make too much money. So it really doesn't, unless you just want something to feed and hold and take care of. What? That's it? Is that a daughter?

Oh, sorry. I just assume you guys are all related. I mean, they're good for making your titties long if you breastfeed. The tits or just the nipples? What are we talking about? I only breastfed one of my kids, which is my oldest daughter, but she gay and I think that's why she gay. That's the first thing I put in her mouth was a fucking titty. So I didn't breastfeed anybody else because I didn't want anybody else eating pussy, so I just gave them the bottle. Laughter

Weirdest QAnon conspiracy I've ever heard. You have to be careful what you put in your kids' mouths. Yeah. Because that's what they're going to grow up sucking on. And my daughter has not stopped sucking titties from the dick. Every gay guy sucked their dad's dick. That's true. It's true. Or they came out with a click in their hand and got confused. You mean that?

Click? What are you talking about? The click. The click. The click. Whatever you want to call it. Oh, okay. The man in the boat. The nigga in the ocean. Oh, the click. I said click. The click. I thought you said click, too. I was picturing an Adam Sandler movie. Oh, that was not hard. I like man in the boat. That's fun. Man in the boat's good. Panic button. I chose not to breastfeed. I decided not to. Really? Yeah. What was your reason for it? I just didn't want to do it.

Whoa. I was like, it's too much. It's like every three hours for like an hour. It's a full job. That is a lot. I was like, I got to go back to work. So you pump? No. Formula. You only pump if you breastfeed. Oh. If you don't breastfeed and you take Benadryl for five days in a row, all your milk dries up. I read it on Reddit. I just...

I found a hack and I was like, I'm just going to dry it all up because I'm not doing this. There you go. And it fucking hurts too. Really? You don't really know how to suck a titty. Whoa. You know, people are like, oh, I got to give them what's natural from the body. Well, bitch, you just drunk a whole thing of alcohol.

Right. And if you want somebody, a healthy baby, that fucking baby gonna be slow. So just give that baby Similac, the good poison. What is that, some formula or something? Yeah, that's formula, Similac. Infamilac. I don't know what the fuck they drank. That was 40 years ago for me. Were you breastfed all four? No, I only breastfed the gay one. Nobody else. Okay.

Yeah, I stopped that shit early. Plus, I was a drug dealer, so it's hard to breastfeed while you're standing on the corner selling crack. So I didn't have time for that mothery shit. We were just trying to survive. Yeah, you got to work. Hopefully one of your tits didn't hit the scale. You're going to miss a way. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just saying, if you're weighing out the crack, I assume you were dealing crack.

Miss Way, good Asian drug dealer. You be confusing the shit out of me, Norm. I mean, Mark McDonald. What the fuck? Norm MacDonald. Yeah, that's me. All right, Yamaneika, take it easy. No, the fuck you did. I just called you Yamaneika. No, the fuck you did call me no Yamaneika. You fake ass out of sound. Don't you call me a kid.

All right. We got Jackie Fabulous here, everybody. I'm a big light-skinned bitch. All right.

It's good to see you again. Did you C-sect? Yeah. Oh, so your body's intact. You got the tits and the clam. You had a C-section? Yeah, yeah. Me too. I had two of them. Oh, yeah? I liked it. I found it very relaxing. Well, you don't have no stomach to fall on top of your C-section. That's true. So it wasn't hard to heal. Mine was hard to heal. Yeah. The second one was. Right. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, I chose it. I was like, I don't want to...

do it the other way so it was like scheduled and everything. I didn't have to like go through labor. You didn't want a baby to come through your pussy? No. It's not that bad. I know everybody says that but I'm like it's better than a fucking c-section. Why is it better? Because you can when c-section you can have only I think three in your life. And then they'll tell you not to have no more kids because it's too dangerous. Well I'm not going to have any more. I'm just saying like with vaginal you can push as many of them bitches out your vagina as you want to. Hmm.

I don't want to. I don't want to push one out of my vagina. It's a muscle, so it's going to scritch as wide as its tail, but then it's going to go back to some of what it used to be. I know. I didn't trust it. I was like, I don't trust it. I feel like everything's going to fall out. Is your husband white? Yeah. That's your problem. Oh, my God.

If you had a black husband, you'd have pushed that baby out. Oh, my husband's got more dick to feed. My hips are already wider. I gotta be honest, Miss Pat, you feel different. What? Nothing, nothing. Well, I'm just saying. The last one feels a little looser in there.

I'm joking. We never had sex. It's a joke. I'm trying to figure out. I can't follow him. He run me fucking crazy. You gotta sit back. You can't even see me. I don't want to fucking see you. Let me try. Oh, here we go. Hey! I got too much ass, too. I haven't got enough seats. Oh, you're fine. Hey, your tits look huge. It's crazy. You guys got smaller benches, right? No, no. No, these are the same fucking benches. I sat up last time, but they didn't notice it. They didn't complain about it.

I guess they want me to sit back because I'm the biggest. I'm just worried about your back. I don't want you to... Well, yeah, you looked uncomfortable. I was not uncomfortable. All right, well, you can sit however you want to sit. I'm balancing myself out. Okay, okay. You know, I'm top heavy and ass heavy. And I didn't buy it. It's all from restaurants around my town. Cheesecake factory. What do you got here? No, the fuck you don't. You see Chick-fil-A. Oh, okay.

Chick-fil-A is the best. Don't fucking put no Cheesecake Factory on me. That's a nice Shake Shack you were. You living in L.A. now?

By the way? No, I live in Atlanta. You still? Okay, all right. Yeah, I'm born and raised. Because you were in Indy for a while. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I left about three years ago. Good. I just did the punchline in Atlanta. Oh, nice. The diner. Yeah. The diner. Yeah, that was my life. I've had some rough nights there. That was rough, yeah. That's a rough walk back to that La Quinta, whatever the fuck you're in. They were fucking getting up to go do coke in the bathroom during the show. Wow. How do you know that? Because they told me.

They were telling me, which is shocking. But I was like, I made a joke about, are you guys going to do coke? And they were like, yeah. And then I started to notice, I was like, oh, they for real are doing coke in the bathroom. Which is a crazy way to do it. Three on a Saturday? Yeah, two. I did three on a Saturday there once. They forced me to. And it was like,

a long time ago and the two late shows sold out and the early show had like 10 people. And the one was just moving to the late shows. They're like, nah, you gotta do three. So I just ate shit for like an hour for 10 people and then was in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Yeah. Terrible. That's crazy talk. Those three in a night shows will fucking...

They'll kill you. They'll kill you. They will. Two is rough. I only work Fridays and Saturdays. I would not work a Thursday. Oh, wow. Okay. I had to move something, so I had to go to, what was that at? We did a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Greenville, South Carolina. So I did a Wednesday, a Thursday, two shows on Friday. Was it two or three? One of them.

Three shows on Friday because I had to leave for Saturday to go somewhere in L.A. And when I tell you, I was like, people, can y'all please stop buying goddamn tickets? Y'all about to kill me. I walked out of there so fucking tired. But all that fish grease in the back and that little bitty ass room and them country ass people. Yeah. I was tired as fuck. So I try really hard just to work Friday and Saturday. I'd rather do a Thursday than a Sunday, though. Same. I'm going to do...

the three i don't want to do a sunday for one i want to go and watch my football team so i just say fuck it i i don't need the money i'm not gonna do a sunday yeah you're a falcons fan i'm a dollar fucking falcon dirty bird huh we won last night too i saw this coming down like a month uh what this episode's coming down like a month yeah well i don't give a fuck we're gonna be i hope we hopefully we'd be still winning when this episode come out

Boy, they'll give you a fucking heart attack, but I love the Falcons. You ever go to the Claremont? The fuck is the Claremont? You don't know the Claremont Lounge? Where? In Atlanta. It's a strip club.

You talking about them old bitches? Ain't that the one with the old people? Yeah. The fuck am I going to see old pussy for? There's ugly ones too. It's some young ugly, but it's all bad. But that's part of the fun. They have young uglies? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I hear people talking about the Claremont Lounge all the time. You got to go. It's like a legend. I don't fucking like seeing people take their clothes off.

And definitely not an old bitch. And then I heard they fat and they ugly. And I don't, why are you, why would you go and laugh at your ancestors like that? Ancestors? I walk in there, grandma. Yeah.

Oh, no. Isn't it all white women over there stripping? White, black, Hispanic. One of them smashes a can with her boobs. I think she must have retired by now. That was like 10 years ago. That's true. If she's still there, that is kind of sad. Yeah, she's working the punchline. No, I've never been there, but I've heard about the Claremont. The punchline. Yeah, you got to go before you turn 40. I'm already turned 40. Oh, hey, you fooled me.

Look at that. See, they're fun. They're having a good time, these ladies. That's her, Blondie. Shout out, Blondie. Oh, yeah, she's the coolest. I've never been to Claremont, but I have wanted to go. It's a good time. The hotel's pretty cool, actually. Yeah. And they have them stripping. Oh, yeah. It's a staple. You been there? No, but I want to go.

My friend took, I don't know if it's still there, but they took me to a gay club called Little Richard, Swinging Richard. And so it's like a bunch of gay guys put on a show and they put these rubber bands around their dick and then they was flying in the air. Some girl took, I had a friend that took me one night and it fucking blew my mind. And I was like, why is the rubber bands around their dick? It's keeping them from getting hard. And so everybody walk around with a different color band around their dick. I guess it's a cock ring. Oh,

Oh, you know it. Thank you. Keep the band around the cock to keep the blood in it so it seems. It doesn't go soft. Oh, okay. So I didn't know. I thought it was just decoration. I thought it was like Christmas tree ornaments. You been there? No, I've been to other places. He used to work there. Yeah. But you know what I'm talking about? Swingin' Rich. Is it still going on? There it is, yeah.

See, you should go there. So it's gay men, but they put on a hell of a fucking show. All right. And my friend, yeah, my friend took me there one time and they be flying in the air with their dicks and shit. They do all, it was, it was a fun time. I'm thinking how I'm gonna, I'm going to Atlanta soon. I'm thinking how I'm gonna pitch this to my tour. It's like Magic Mike meets Pink Concert. Hey, it's Cirque du So Gay. Yeah.

It's just cock, but it's funny. Yeah. Look at these hunks. Wow. Hallelujah. I'd like to watch him swing on something. That's 50 cent if you went another way. That's crazy. $3 bill. See, I'm telling you, it's a hell of a show. You should go and watch this instead of a bunch of old-ass women. But this is a hell of a show, and everybody's body's intact.

Yeah. Well, you know, because they're gay, their bodies are intact. Exactly. Yeah, a couple of hunks. I've never seen a straight man that good looking. No. Look at the rump on that guy on the left. Hubba hubba. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Where is that, Atlanta? Yeah. Don't say shit when these gay men come and attack you in the street. Bring it on, hobos. Because what you giving off is I suck dick right now. You should watch what you say. I can appreciate it. Because this podcast reaches people. And somebody run up on you and say, you said hubba hubba, and that's a cold word for dick in my face. Yeah.

That's my safe word. I didn't know recently. Mark informed me that apparently if you're in the sauna and you pour water on the rocks, that's like a signal for I want to fuck around. And there was a dude in there. I don't know. I just said to him, like, do you mind? And I was like, I don't know. You were inviting. Oh, I don't know that. How do you know that? What happened when he put the water on the rocks? He blew them. I sucked them off. But I had to follow the code. No. No, I guess he was straight. He didn't know the code either. But...

I feel like if you're going to make it hotter in there, you've got to be like, is this cool with you if I make it hotter in here? Yeah. Somebody call Mateo. Get Mateo on the phone. He will confirm this. No, Mateo, I can confirm it already because he doesn't sauna.

He doesn't do it. Who is Mateo? He's our gay consultant. Loves being called that. He's a friend. FaceTime him. I'd love to hear his opinion. I already spoke to him today. Uh-oh. Oh, y'all got the same gay consultant? Yeah. He's my neighbor. He does.

Mateo's a hilarious comic. Funny guy. Is he gay? Yes. Why don't we call the daughter? Huh? Well, your daughter can tell us some lesbian info. Yeah, but my daughter nasty. You don't want to talk to her. Oh, I like nasty. I don't want to hear how my daughter eat pussy. That look like you, Mark. Oh, thank you. That's the gay filter of me. It's gay eye. There we go.

Wait, hold on a second. Don't say too much. We're filming a podcast right now. Hey! I'm here with Miss Pat and Mark and, oh, sorry. I know him. Hold on. Uh-oh. Think that constellations are real? They are real. No. What did he say? Are constellations real? The fuck is constellations? Oh, yes. Yes, they're real. They're real.

They're absolutely real. Yeah, but if stars are moving and they die, how are they always in the same place? Nick, I don't have time for this. It's ridiculous. Joe Rogan? They're having such a more sophisticated conversation than us. We're like, hey, is this gay if you...

Yeah, actually, we're about to ask something just as ridiculous, but Sam put water on the... Why don't you say it? I think I told you this already and you didn't know, but I put water on the rocks in the sauna and Mark said that's a gay signal. Like if I say, hey, do you mind if I put this on and I put the water on the rocks, is that gay? Yeah.

I'll put it this way. Everything is a gay symbol if you really think about it. So gays don't do anything to check code to try and hook up. So if you're just walking in a steam room or a sauna, you're gay. Ah!

I knew it. I knew I was gay. All right. Thank you for solving that for me. All right. And the Big Dipper. That's gay. And constellations are real. Okay. Why y'all got to call them constellations? Why don't you just call them stars? Bye, dude. See you later. Constellations, when they come together, is the Big Dipper or Orion's Belt.

That answered that yeah, yeah, that was so fucking pathetic that we're all doing a podcast at the same time No one's living anymore Just a whole group of people your daughters. I call my mom she puts me on speaker like fuck my mom's podcast It was bro it's about cooking

About cooking. Yeah, she's been cooking. I've been cooking lately, too, because I'm hosting Thanksgiving, and I really can't cook, so I'm trying to impress. So I'm just grabbing nice recipes off the internet. What are your sides you're going for? Chicken and dressing, which y'all probably call stuffing. Love it.

Ashley. Hey, Big Ash. Ash loves Big Ash. Ashley. We got a gay question. Jesus, she's black. Ashley. It's how black she is. That's a dark lady.

My daughter said, clearly there's enough gay men in the room. Swing and Richard. What was the question? It's a gay question. It's a gay question. So if you go to the sauna and you pour water on the rocks, is that like an inviting signal for being gay?

He said if you go to the sauna and do what? Pour water on the rocks. Do that means that you want to fuck whoever in there in this thing going with you? I don't even go in saunas. I wouldn't know. Lesbians don't. They don't have sex. They go to hot yoga. Yeah. So what's the signal that you gay? A signal that you're gay? Yes. How do you find pussy to eat? There you go. It usually finds me. I look good. Oh, okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is scissoring real? She said, I don't go looking. You don't do the abs or none of that stuff you do in the real world? What do you do? Well, she got a girlfriend now. But before your girlfriend, he said, do you go on the apps? Do you go to Walmart? You get your pussy at church. How do you go about Uber Eats? They all fuck each other's exes. Oh, wow.

I usually just have sex with people I work with. Whoa. Jeez, where do you work? A softball team? When I used to work. Hey. This nigga said, dude, we're on a softball team. Is that funny? He got autism. And his daddy touch him. He got all kind of fucking... Holy fuck, bro.

And he used all these big words like constellation that I don't fucking know what it means. White people just say fucking stars. Constellation's your girlfriend's name. He said, constellation is your girlfriend's name. That one didn't hit as hard as I thought. She's in a black hole. Ha ha ha!

I love a good black hole. You know what I realized? I was actually at a WNBA game on Saturday. Oh, she fucked half the team. I win. I'm at the game, though, and you can call a male player a black hole because it means he's not passing the ball. You cannot call a female player a black hole.

I almost did it. I was like, oh, you can't be, you fucking black hole. Interesting. I get looked. Yeah, no, it does. That feels different. Because the hole is black. It's the worst thing. The hole is black. You can't say that. And no matter what color the pussy is, the hole is black once you open it up. No, no, no. I'm saying a different thing here, though. You know that? No.

I'm saying you can call a guy that because it's like regardless of skin color. My pussy is both black down there. No, it's not. What are you talking about? What color is your hole? I was a medical assistant. It is too. I'm not talking about when you eating it and you got your fucking iPhone up in it.

with the light on. He's got an ice on him. The inside of the vagina is black. It vibrates. No, it's not. When you go into the uterus, yes, the fuck it is. And why would you have known what the uterus looked like? Oh, this is getting more graphic. I ain't never ate to a uterus now. I usually do before then.

How the fuck can you get full off pussy? I don't know how she eat pussy. It is so disgusting. Really? I pee on myself all the time. Wow. Holy shit. Senior citizen vagina and elderly pussy. I'm eating people there. Don't say pussy while your mother on your phone. Why are you wetting yourself? Because I've had kids. Yeah. I would never eat a person that had a child. Oh.

Well, she's a golden gay. So she's never had dick other than out the package. Well, we're here if you need us. Yeah. You can be the first. No, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna end up pegging you. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

That'd be great if she came. Yeah, I like her. She comes to this side, Mark just becomes gay. That's the whole thing. Yeah. He said, put your thumb away. All right, enough of that bulldoggy shit. Bye-bye. You guys have a great relationship. Oh, well, she eat pussy, so, you know, ain't nothing I can do about her being gay, but be happy for her. Were you very supportive when it first happened?

Oh, I knew she was gay from the time she came out of my vagina. But, you know, I just wanted her to hear. I wanted to hear her say she was gay and she didn't do it till she went off to college and she disappeared because she thought I wasn't going to like it. So I said, look, are you gay? And she was like, yes, ma'am. So come on back to Atlanta. Everybody pussy here. You'll be ready at home. She came home and we never look back. Everyone needs pussy except the black men.

Black man eat pussy. That's not what I read. Don't believe everything you read. That's the problem with a white man. What the hell? I thought that was a stereotype. Half magazine. He's got his reading glasses on. Yeah. I'm on black Twitter. You're not on black Twitter. You know who eats the cat is the Haitians. You've got to find this clip of this white guy. What?

Oh my fucking god, you asshole. He got it. The white comic on Def Jam and his whole set is about how he eats pussy. What's his name?

Who got the black family? Oh, DJ Khaled said he doesn't eat pussy. Yeah, but DJ Khaled ain't black. Yeah, what is he, Middle Eastern? I don't think so. I think he's Mexican or something. No. DJ Khaled. Let's get Mateo back on the phone. We'll crack this.

Oh, Bernie. No, it wasn't Bernie Mac. It was a white guy. Are you talking about... Yeah. Is he talking... What's his name? Gary Owens? Oh, maybe. He's all over Def Jam. Gary Owens. It was Gary Owens, right? Maybe it was. Probably was, yeah. It was a long time ago. Maybe it is. I think it's O-N. No S. But I could be wrong. Black people add an S to things. Have you noticed that? They what? You guys add an S. No, this isn't it. You say moms. I forget it. My moms. Yeah. I guess that's about it.

Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's an M. Groundhog's Day. I'll point out some more when I think of them. Who told you we had ass to shit? I've just noticed it. Where? Just hanging out in the world. He's been reading. We don't say pussies. You see? Sometimes you take the ass away. You go, I'm going to sleep. Whereas a white guy would say, I'm going to sleep. You guys take out the two. Or you stay here. You stay at this house.

White guy will say, I'm staying at this house. That's just... That's just... Slang? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm just pointing it out. Well...

Slang. Fuck. Fuck. How the hell you deal with this man every day? I'm used to it. I don't know. I haven't known him a long time. Oh my God. I don't even, it doesn't even register at this point. I'm so glad nobody black raised you. They would have beat the shit out of you. I could do that. We could remake The Jerk, but with Norman. That's not bad. Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a black neighborhood, went to public school, try to treat everyone equally.

Every time white people want to say they did something. Oh, I grew up in a black neighborhood with a public school. You know black kids go to private school too, don't you? I went to private school. There were black kids there. You went to private school? I went to both. Oh.

Can't you tell how sheltered he is? You went to private school. Your whole life? After middle school, yeah. I would have guessed Norman was public school. Public school until 9th. Private, three years private. So just a little. So which one did you like? Public was a little rough. I got fucked with quite a bit. And that's why they move you out of the school. That's exactly right. My kids, my first set of kids, no, my second set of kids went to private and they hated it.

Oh, really? And so we moved to Indiana and then they went to an all-white school. But it was public and they hated it, too. Well, school sucks. Yeah. All around. Kids are mean. They're mean. They're very mean. I remember my daughter, when we first moved to Indiana, my daughter is a plus-size girl. So she was way bigger than the white kids in her third grade class because white people only feed their kids celeries and carrots. Well, we eat for real. My daughter been frying chicken since the first grade. Whole chicken. Know how to cut them up.

So we get to this little white neighborhood and my daughter go to school and white boy just picking on her. And so she go tell the teacher, she say, the teacher, she say, he keep calling me fat. And the teacher was like, little white, oh my God, don't worry about it, Garyanna, I'm going to take care of you. She said, you ain't got to take care of, she said, cause you see the big black face, I'm going to stick it down his fucking throat. She was in third grade.

The teacher called me and said, I don't mean to laugh, but let me tell you what your daughter said. And she whooped his ass. And he never, he never, he never ever fucked with her again. One little white girl. It was so interesting raising my second kids in an all white neighborhood because we had never lived around white people like that. And so pretty great. Right.

and so i moved my kids to this neighborhood which i thought it was pretty good overall but kids are just rude so this white girl told my daughter oh you so fucking fat because my daughter is fat and she don't give a fuck but she got a mouth for your ass she's told she said i might be fat bitch but my daddy don't my daddy don't sneak in my room and stick his dick in my mouth oh

And they was like seven grader. And my daughter, my daughter, who I just got from, she said, you need to go get Gary off this app before this white girl slid a fucking wrist. And she drug this white bitch for 20 minutes because she, I mean, my daughter got like two, three fucking college degree, but at the time she was in seventh grade. But all she did was read about the world. Oh, she drug this white bitch so bad that white girl never, ever fuck with Gary on again at the bus stop.

Jesus. Yes. Man, that's a mic drop. But that was just one line that I remember. But she went on and on and on and carry on and just kept going. And she, my daughter, my oldest daughter was like, you should get a mama. This white girl gonna kill herself. I said, let her go. She should have called a fact.

Wow. What is your daughter doing now? Which one? That one. The Gariel. Is that it? The Gariel. She writes on the show. She writes on the show. Oh, that's cool. So she's a writer. Nice. She sounds. She's a gifted writer. If you go and watch the fourth season, which is the season that's out now, we have a slave episode where white people are slaves. And it's fucking hilarious. And she wrote that episode.

all right but and that was the hardest shit to cast white people as slaves y'all do not want to be slaves what what was the what was the problem like what did they what was it about um jasmine it was it was kind of like a twist it was saying like what white people in america think black people need but you don't never ask them what the fuck we need so they're just you know that's real that's what's going on oh the black community need this you don't know the fuck

you talking about white man because you don't bring your motherfucking ass to the black community until you want our fucking vote so how the fuck do you know what we want yeah so that was the episode was about it was like a little twist but it was it was so when you got it was reparation white people don't know how to be when white people are slaves it's like bondage it's like getting like spanked or something well well

Right. The black people were doing work. So it was a rep. This white dude got like $3 million from his family and opened up a reparation camp. Oh, boy. And so we stopped there and thought it was a hotel, but it was white people trying to turn the times on reparation. And it was so fucking funny. It was so funny. It was my favorite episode. My favorite line was, I walk in and my kids are arguing with the white person. What the fuck going on? And my son said, Mama...

the slave owner is beating one of the slaves. But he's verbally beating her. He said, Mama, this cracker trying to beat the cracker that sawed off these crackles. Laughter

And people can watch it on BET Plus, right? You can watch it on BET Plus. That's the episode we really thought that was going to go off. But it was so hard to cast it because, you know, if you put it on your resume, you're just going to be a white person as a slave. And somebody's like, what the fuck is this? Oh, right. But the ones who did take the job, they was theater. And when I tell you they sang them black hymns. Ha ha.

It was so funny. Oh my God. It was so funny. That's it right there. It was so fucking funny. Are you guys slave masters here? No, we're not slave masters. When I was growing up, we were basically children together.

Mildred never poured into you, so you didn't know how to pour into me. I want to see some white guys out in the yard. And if you think you're so much better than your mother, then you need to start acting like her. Oh, here we go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Is that the other part? The next part to that shows you what I'm talking about. That's so funny. She's committing. Oh, here it is. Here it is. What the hell is this? Yeah, and they're not even putting it on OnlyFans, which I feel like is a missed opportunity. You whipping people. Is this educational? He really think he Thomas Jefferson. Nobody is listening. I'd never whip anyone.

We know about the physical abuse done by whites during slavery. However, we don't ever speak on the psychological trauma created by enslavement, which is just as bad, if not worse. Okay, you still ain't shit, but you ate that little part. Which is why I shall give Abigail a verbal lashing to replicate the mental and emotional trauma of black slaves. Ahem. You good for nothing gingerhead snort cricket.

Oh, wow. How are they not breaking, dude? I know. That's crazy. It was so fucking funny. This is my favorite episode. Wow. Because these white people came to be slaves, baby. You hear me? They came to be slaves. They did not fucking play. You guys should have gotten Glenn Close for this. Who the fuck is Glenn Close? Glenn Close was in that recent...

movie um oh the white woman the white woman yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i know you talking about yeah yeah she did her thing in lee daniel yeah but it was it was so fun that's my favorite episode and it's very educational everything that i do on this show you know it's it's it's based off of my life but it's also when we go outside my life which is this episode and it's just to say you know

The world is shit, but why can't we laugh at the shit? Hear, hear. You know, and so when we first took this episode to BET, they was like, what the fuck? White people slaves? How is that going to happen? Yeah. You got any pushback or no? Not on this, a little bit on this episode. What I got to push back on was the episode where we did about, what was that, Jasmine?

With the derogatory words. So I want to do it. Times have changed. When I was coming up, you could say shit like sissies and bull digers. And you can't say that anymore. Unless it's to your daughter. No.

But you can't, you know, openly, you just got to choose your words right. But I wanted to show an episode how everything have changed, but the people at home has not changed. You know, let's be honest. Y'all probably got relatives who go home and say the N-word. Some old motherfucker, great granddaddy or uncle. They don't say it, but they say it. They say it. Let's be honest. You know what I'm saying? My dad says it. Yeah.

But so I wanted to do one on words like that. And one of the words I wanted to use was jap slap. Well, most people have never heard of.

slap have y'all ever heard that well it was back when black people i mean not black people japanese people was in concentration camps remember they slap them backhand so when i was coming up my mom say i shit out your bitch oh so when i grew up i did very different childhood when i grew up i never did that and i would say that to my husband he was like that's so fucking racist i'm like

So I go to BET and we put and at the time they run around slapping Asian people for real. You're in America. Oh, yeah. And so they said, no, we won't let you say, but we'll let you say. And we was like, it's worse. Well,

And so they gave us but took away. That's crazy. Yeah. So we like we love we love pushing the envelope like that on the mix. It's also a different you're insulting a different group also.

Japanese and Chinese. Yeah. Well, they're all Chinese. It always feels like a lateral move. Right. To go from homeless to unhoused is especially very lateral. Colored people, people of color. What's really the difference there? Yeah, we don't want to be called colored people. Well, I'm just saying it's just a change of the order. Well, we don't call ourselves colors of people either.

People of color either. I don't say that anyway. I don't know anyone who's like a person of color that calls themselves like a POC. Yeah, yeah. People of color. Who the fuck call it? They calling us POCs now? Oh, yeah, that's out there. That's out there. Politicians. If you said POCs to me, I'm thinking prison of camp.

Oh shit. That's his ancestors. You Jewish. Yeah. Oh shit. Are you kidding? Oh shit. You didn't know he's been complaining since he got in. No.

Hey, folks, we might be drunk is brought to you by fume. Flavored air is quickly becoming the leading alternative to that bad habit. It's a whole new movement towards better habits. And fume is here to set the bar high. Fume is an award winning flavored air device that comes in awesome flavors like black licorice, crisp mint, maple pepper and peach blush. I love it. Watch this.

Really takes the edge off, folks. No side effects. No health shit. Get yourself some fume. Tastes good. Feels good. And it's served over 300,000 customers, and you could be the next success story. Just have something cooking right in your mouth. Oral fixation. For a limited time, use our code DRUNK to get a free gift with your Journey Pack. Head to tryfume.com.

That's T-R-Y-F-U-M.com and use code DRUNK to get a free gift with your order.

Because when I was little, I only thought Jews was just one person. Jesus. I did not know. Miss Pat, you're looking at him. I know. I did not know. My mama didn't tell us that Jews was a lot of people. Too many. She was too busy jab flapping you, dude. She was your American princess.

So when I... Oh, shit is the best reaction to you're a Jew. Oh, shit. No. I did hook up with a woman once who right before we had sex goes, are you Jewish? I said, yeah. And she goes, ugh. And I still fucked her. Oh, no. But the penis doesn't care. No. But it was a low point for sure. Yeah. Why? She didn't want to sleep with you? I can't tell if she was kidding or not. What? You got Jesus dick. Jesus dick? A Jew dick. Yeah.

That's a good way to... I mean, that would have been the people a day back. That was your people. Yeah. Well, that's like, who was my people? King Tup? She was probably kidding. In New York? Was King Tup my people? She was foreign. She was like drunk enough that she just sort of let it... Huh? What's the people over there in Africa named? What's the African people? The kings and queens? What? African people. Nubian? Jazz, what's the king over there in Africa? Yeah. Black Panther? Yeah.

Pharaoh. Pharaoh, let my people go. Yes. I don't know the Bible. I don't know why you say let his people go. What did you say? There we go.

Well, when I was a kid, we'd say rice rocket for a fast Asian car. Like it's a nice rice rocket. But we liked them. I just, I just, I was just watching TV with my husband and he said rice rocket. I'd never heard of rice rocket before. But that meant an Asian. Like a fast Honda, Toyota, you know, like a hot rod. We never said that. Did you say that?

No, I never heard of it. Really? Where were you raised? I was in New York City. Oh, yeah. So what racist term did you hear back then? Oh, the classic. We went with the old fashioned. Oh, you went with the N-words. Okay. Classic. Yeah. What else was out there? Bulldyke, you said.

I recently heard coal burner. Who is that for? Coal burner? What's that? It's white men who have sex with black women. Whoa, that's heavy. Yeah. You asked what racist that I knew. We'd say Oreo if a black guy acted white. Remember Oreo? He's white on the inside. That was around.

Then you get reverse Oreo. Yeah. Like they acted black. Right. Yeah. Did the slave, the white slaves need their own N word? Did you give them something? No. You know what was funny? When we were shooting this episode, one of the guys, what did he work in jazz? He was in sound. And so they was like, back it up to nigga. Huh?

And so the white man say, you want me to back it up to nigga? Hey, he was like, oh my God, I just lost my job. And I hollered. I fucking hollered. Because he was just repeating what they wanted to back it up to. And they was telling him to rewind the show to nigga. That's a hard attack.

It's so funny to say this in a work environment, too. Well, we're not going to allow you to say it, but we're going to say it because it's in the show. But it was just an honest mistake. And everybody just stopped. Because you could hear it all over the speaker. You want me to back it up to the first nigga or the second nigga? He was like, I just lost my fucking job. Oh, man.

I hollered. I fucking hollered. And so they go up there. I'm so sorry. I was like, y'all, the dude was just, you know, we hear it all day. It's in his blood when you work on a Miss Pat show. Yeah. Damn, I want to work there.

You can work there, but you can't get away with it. I'm joking. I know that. I can already see the clip from this podcast. It's just multiple takes of Miss Scott giving you a look. Yes, yes. I got your work cut out for you, Peter. Yeah. Yes. We have four great comics here. Are you guys working on any new bits that you want to share? Well,

Well, we do peeves on the show. What's peeves? Pet peeves. You got any peeves? I got one. This kind of bothers me. My girlfriend... I don't know if I've done this one before because I've written it down on my phone, but my girlfriend will come in the bathroom when I'm on the toilet. I'll fart, and she'll be like, Ew! And I'm like...

This is where you do it. Oh, yeah. This is the bathroom. True. That's fair. Where else are you going to do it? Yeah. On her face? The toilet's appropriate. Yeah. Some people like it in the face. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like the cake fart videos. You ever seen those? Pull them up. Those are weird. No, I don't do shit like that. One-on-one? That's kind of... Oh, I've heard a couple. What do you have, Mark? You have better peeves? Oh.

Oh, shit. I just had one and I lost it. The cake fart threw me off. Sorry about that. No, no, no. Let's see what I got. I feel bad because I don't feel like I prepped anybody on the bits. I realized I don't like sweaty people. Oh. Even in lovemaking? I don't like just, I don't like a lot of sweat on someone. Not necessarily. When it comes to sex, it's a different thing. But when, just in the workplace, if someone's really sweaty, it annoys me.

I hear you. It feels like, get a handle on yourself. You really, some people can't. I know. Some people just over-prespise or whatever the fuck the word is. I'm like, whatever your problem is, fix it. They can't fix it. Some people just need shower to shower around the clock. Yeah, I guess like, bring a bunch of shirts. Ha ha.

That's just a antiperspirant. Deodorant could probably help a little. Yeah, sure. You rub it all over your body, but some people are just sweaty. Yeah. I hate people when they fucking hand sweat and they want to shake your hand, but it feel like they've been jacking off. Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying, yeah, I hate fucking see what the fuck is going on with your hand. Yeah. You know, the problem I'm having is with airplanes. Like I'm getting older now. This is happening. It's kind of what I should embarrass me.

So I have to like, well, I'm 52. So when I got a piss, I got a piss. I ain't no holding no piss. Cause you, you ain't got them walls you had when you was in the third grade, your pussy, let it go. And your bladder don't give a fuck. So I can run in the bathroom and, um,

All I'm thinking about is just get my drawers down. You know, I got on this big ass panty line to make sure my panty line don't hit the ground and stick. So I pull my panties down. Don't even look back to see if the fucking toilet seat up and piss all over the airplane floor. I've done this shit like four times. I always wonder who does that. You know, so I mean, so everybody knows me on the planet. Oh, my God, I'm so I'm so can I have a picture with you? And they ask me all of this shit all while I'm sitting there. Then I'm pissed all over these folks flow. I'm

I mean, piss. That's the pee, by the way, when you go in a public bathroom and there's piss everywhere. Yes. Yeah. No, that's not me. Only on that plane. So what I did was, because it splattered all up the walls because the seat was down. So I'm telling them, I said, give me some gloves. I pissed on the floor. Oh, no.

Oh, no, Miss Pat. I get up. I said, you're not getting up my fucking piss. Good for you. So I threw all the napkins down, soaked the piss up. Oh, you cleaned it? Yeah, I cleaned it. Oh, okay. Pee revoked. But the thing is, is that I don't know why I just don't turn around. Because the bathrooms are so little. So I think they should be already ass ready. But some son of a bitch go in there and let the fucking lid down. And I piss on the seat. Dude, I have going off your peeve, another peeve.

I used a port-o-potty at a basketball court recently. I was playing basketball yesterday. And there's like three port-o-potties, but it's like it's a fucking gamble because sometimes the crazy guy's in there and some say in use. You're like, thank God I know not to go in there. But some just they don't lock it. Yeah. There's the crazy guy and they're screaming when I open. I was like, fuck. Oh, he's like midwife or something. Yeah, he's like, ah.

I was like, oh, fuck. That's a tough one. Whatever happened to I'm in here? He was fucking screaming. That's really wild. Well, I do make sure the door is locked, but I do let that seat down. I did it like three, four times. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? They should really make bathrooms on planes a little bit bigger for bigger people to at least turn around with because I go in ass in. Wow.

And I just start pissing. It's like small for small people now. Yeah. But you can walk in the bathroom. I go on my ass ready to pull my drawers down. And the fucking seat is down. Now the piss is all over the place. I'm tall. So in a small plant, I have a similar problem where I'm like, I can't move. I'm peeing like crouched over. It is pretty small in there. Yeah. So they should really make, they should make a bathroom with no ass and some ass. Ha ha.

Not men and women. Ass, no ass. Yes. I like that. You know what happened to me? I went to the BET Awards and they had a bathroom and it didn't say boy or girl. I just walked in there. It was men using the women bathroom and nobody was scared. And Biden's America. That's what you get. Well, it didn't fucking bother me. You don't shut the fuck up because I'm a Democrat. No, it was a joke.

I know that's what they say when I say, but I didn't feel, I didn't feel threatened or anything. It was everybody in this one bathroom. And at first I was kind of shocked. I was like, whoa, a big ass man. And then it was all kinds of people. We can

What do you mean all kinds? It was trans people, regular people, men, women, every fucking thing. Him them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them,

It was. It was beautiful. Everybody was singing. A utopia. Yeah. Someone was playing the harp. I don't mind that as long as everybody's grown. I probably would have a problem if I had a little kid with me. Speaking of, here's a little kid at Chick-fil-A crawling under the stall. Some stranger. Oh, no. That's how they get you. Oh, my fucking God. I'll kick him in his face. How'd they get my fantasy? What?

Oh my god, that's gonna be my kid. Why is he filming this? I think to protect himself. Good point. It's like, I can't be caught in here with a little kid. Well, he is now. Oh! Open the door on him! What a dick. He came in the bottom. You gotta go out the bottom.

Yeah, I'll lock it. Oh, my God. Wow. He's lucky he didn't roll up on, you know. Him shaming him. You got to lock it. What are you doing? Yeah, ask him what you're doing here. I ought to say, shit, nigga. Get the fuck away from in here. We got some new merch. T-shirt right there. Can you roll it back to the N-word? Yeah.

That was like an updated version of the movie The Fugitive. Just like a guy gets framed. Yeah, right. It was the one-armed man who... Oh my God, I'd have beat the shit out of him. I'm so scared my kid's going to end up like that, though. It's a sweet kid. Innocent.

I'm scared because she's already like... She like runs off and is like moving really quickly and just like won't mind her own business. Well, they don't mind their own business until they get an iPhone. Yeah. So how old is she? She's only 11 months. So yeah, she just...

learning the world she gotta stick her hand in the fireplace yeah she gotta fall down the stairs she gotta fuck herself up a little bit i hope she don't do all of that but yeah she just she's learning the world right now yeah they're very curious right yeah scary though yeah and she interrupt your sex life yet

No. They don't have sex. No. Yeah. No, but she actually stays like, she's like, she has her own room, which is nice. But for a while there, we were like, this is fucked. We're fucking in the same room as our kids. Yeah. Well, you fucked in that same room together.

What do you mean? To make her. To make her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and if she see you fucking, she ain't even know what you're doing. She think y'all exercising. Well, she couldn't even, she didn't like know she has hands. Right, right. She was like not even. But I know what you mean, like mentally. Mentally, you're like. Yeah. Okay. You're fucking. Oh, you said, oh, oh, oh. You think she gonna hear that? I was like worried about it. It's in the back of my mind. Well, she say that anyway. Oh, yoga. Oh, yoga.

She's learning to talk. Her first sounds did sound like Forrest Gump, you know, like when his mom was fucking the principal. Yeah. Yeah. So for you to be so you the mom just don't make no fucking noise. Y'all stick socks in your mouth. Nothing hotter than that. Nothing.

Nothing hotter than that. And if it's a dirty sock, it's flavor. So you don't have to suck on detergent. There we go. I think we got a new episode. This one's salty. Let's do that episode. I mean, you know, she's just learning whatever, you know, it's just a sound. She's going to be okay. It's not really that I was that concerned about what it would do for her. It was like, it was just in the back of my mind. Like she's in here.

Yes. You know what I mean? Like, it messes with it. Yeah, there's been a time I had to fuck in the bed with my daughter and pat her in the back and say, mama at work. Hey, I picked up Whitney Cummings' son and I think he wanted me to suck his dick. He immediately opened my mouth. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with this baby when he's sticking his whole hand in my mouth with me? Wow, he's got to give his mom pills.

He's like a little Pez dispenser. He immediately stuck his whole hand in my mouth and said, what the fuck is going on with this freaky ass baby? Well, you know she lets him do it. Right, right. Well, maybe I was thinking because I'm black and I got lips and he wasn't used to seeing that. So he immediately like, what is this? Fake lips. Those lips are too small. No. Oh, those are nice lips. I'm thinking of the ones downstairs. Those are fake.

Her pussy? Oh, yeah. She had that all redone. Whitney, Whitney, I want you to kick his ass. No, that's not fucking true. I don't think she got a prostate and a pussy. No. Oh, yeah. She's got big tits. I'm the only one who's seen it.

She's got great fake tits. Great, great, great fake tits. Yeah. Well, most people do have great fake tits. Not those ages. Oh, bitch, these are straight off the Medicaid line. George Bush built these titties. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was all natural. It is. Government cheese, food. Oh, I see. All that shit went to work. Now I got it. Medicaid titties is a great title for someone. Yeah, that's true.

Hey, look at old Prego there. That's right. That's right. We'll get the kid in there and get him right in my mouth. Oh, my God. All right. You turned and looked at me. All right. We're making progress. Oh, God. I love this podcast. You are too silly, motherfucker. Hell yeah. This is the only time I really like dealing with autism.

I don't have to say safe hand with this nigga. Is it autism or is he just white? No, he got autism. Yeah, something's up. You think you have autism for real? I don't think you have autism. He told me he had autism. I don't think he has autism. That was a joke. Trying to get away with that N-word. Roll it back. All right.

He does not have autism. You don't have autism. Why the fuck you tell me that? I thought you had autism. Well, it's a good catch-all. If I do something fucked up, I go, autism, you know. Then they save. Oh, my fucking God. You're going to jail. Yeah, I don't think the autism thing works in jail. No. Say something fucked up. I'm autistic. Don't rape me. They're like, oh, easy target.

Who went to jail? Oh, yeah. Pete Diddy went to jail. Today. Wow. Did he today? Yesterday. Yesterday. Yeah. He was arrested. They found 1,000 bottles of lube. Wow. They should donate that. 1,000 bottles. Oh, wow. They should donate that to the Goodwill. That's put on eBay. Yeah.

It'll be a lot of wet pussies. I'm just curious. Were bottles of lube, like, does that count as evidence? They started freak-off parties. A bunch of lube? It just shows that parties were huge. To me, it tells me a bunch of dry pussy came to the party. Right. Or a bunch of extra tight booty holes, because why do you need all of that lube? Right. He had more lube than Jippy Lube had. Right.

That's true. I don't have... It's for my car. Huh? He's like, it's for my car. That's what I would say. Yeah. My Mercedes will have lube. He's got to do the old school defense that they were doing like KYJelly wrestling. That's his only... Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah.

Good call. They were doing that at the Creek in the Cave when I first moved to New York. Wow. Doing what? They were doing KY Jelly Wrestling in the basement at the Creek in the Cave when I first moved here. Yeah, good times. This is before comedy. Or he can say he does professional slip and slides. Oh, there you go. He can spray it on the floor and just let people slide across the floor butt-ass naked. If you have that much, it's not a great sign.

No. What you mean it's not a great size? Or he's just got a Costco membership. That too. Because if you come to my house, I got a bunch of fucking tissue. Right.

Yeah. Right. True. So why can't you? I want to know why can't Diddy have a thousand baller or lose? Well, it doesn't help that he has three AR-15. Well, he's not a convicted felon. So white people got three and four and five AR-15. That's true. So what's the problem? I think it's the combination. The thing is the human trafficking allegations. What? Yeah, human trafficking allegations. I don't know what they have on it. That's just going to throw a dent in it.

I don't have any say on a human trafficking application. When did it go from pimping... Did you say applications? Let me fill in my application, Mr. Diddy. When did it go from human trafficking... When did it go from pimping to human trafficking? Oh, yeah. I think if you go over state lines or something. I've been over state lines many times with hoes and pimps. But human trafficking is when you get...

the sex workers to recruit more sex workers, right? It's sort of like once it goes- So why is it not a job?

Well, it is a job. If you have age. Because if you take this to Vegas, would this be human trafficking or just be horn? I guess it's consensual. I think human trafficking is people kidnapping against their will. But there's levels to rape, too. I think there's levels to trafficking. There's degrees. So let me ask you something. If a man suck your titty and that's all he do is that rape?

I think you would be better equipped to answer this one than me. No, that's a nigga who sucked my titty. Might be assault or misconduct. I don't know about rage. Well, if I yank my titty back and it's not harmed, or if I leave my titty out there. If you, if he's, hold on a second. That's a good question. In this world where a man just randomly runs up and fucking bites your tit, you're...

I'm going to whoop his fucking ass. Don't jap slap me. I don't know. I mean, look up why this is bad. Is this something you don't want? I think that's the thing that makes it a salt. Yeah. I mean... Because if you're yanking your titty back, then it's a salt.

But if you're like, all right, well, it's just a, I guess. So what if you, I mean, if you be honest, if you run up on me and then you yank my titty, I'm probably going to fight you. Yeah. And if it's a fight is over and you go about your business, I'm okay. Right. But if you keep fucking with me, I'm gonna get the police in. Right. So. Fair. All right. You see, they took away his key to the city. Ah, hitting him where it hurts. You guys want to hear the allegations? Here we go. All right. Imminence in the unsealing of a three count indictment.

Charging Sean Combs with racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking, interstate transportation for prostitution. The indictment alleges that between at least 2008 and the present, Combs abused, threatened, and coerced victims to fulfill his sexual desires, attack his reputation, and conceal his conduct. As alleged in the indictment, to carry out this conduct, Sean Combs led and participated in a racketeering conspiracy.

that used the business empire he controlled to carry out criminal activity, including sex trafficking, forced labor, kidnapping, arson,

bribery and the obstruction of justice. Wow. Also, he wasn't a very good rapper. But he was a damn good hype man. Yeah, he was. He was a good hype man. So it sounds like they done took another black man down. Yeah, if only he didn't commit all those crimes. That should be the defense. Another black man. We got arson. We got kidnapping. It's not a racial thing. Yeah.

It's a criminal thing. Yeah. What is racketeering? Wait a second. Is that Drew Barrymore? Yeah. 50 Cent taking a victory lap because he hates Puff Daddy. He said, here I am keeping good company with Drew Barrymore and I don't have a thousand bottles of lube in the house. I love 50 Cent. He's a fun guy. 50 Cent is a motherfucker. Funny guy.

So racketeering is basically a conspiracy. You conspire to commit a crime. If I called Mark and I said, do you want to do this thing? And you were like, I don't know. But now it's a crime because two people are involved. Ah, that's quite a racketeer. Even if you say, I don't know. That's racketeering. That's racketeering. So if you didn't call me. No, not if you say, I don't know. No, conspiracy to commit a crime. He's like, I'm in and whatever. Like a bank heist. Yes. Got it. I would never, ever agree.

over phone to any crime right over the phone yes over text message never well that's a rookie move paper trail yeah good point okay I've watched enough truth so well it look like Puff Daddy gonna be gone he should have went to Bayi with uh Russell Simmons he didn't run yeah now let's see if he makes it in prison oh he'll make it he's going to a real prison no he's going with R. Kelly oh hey we can put on an album

Would you buy it? Would I buy it? Hell yeah. R. Kelly already put one out, actually. Did he? Yeah. Is he doing life, R. Kelly, or no? He's doing pretty much life. Yeah, they're not going to let him out. Yeah, we'll see. I mean, I've talked to people. I've talked to some people who knew him and were like, there was a darkness at parties around him. Well, he had a problem with...

I don't know. I just, it just, it blows me. When I saw that video with Cassie, I was like, this is. Oh yeah. That wasn't, that wasn't shit. He was way back. You see my puff daddy. Yeah. Yeah. I was way, he had probably already done something that was way worse before we saw that. That just proved that he was the asshole that she say he was. And the thing is, is I think she asked him for money.

to settle before she took it to the public i'm assuming i don't know but if she did he should have took it do you gonna wait did she come out with all of this and then how long you gonna get the video and show that you all you gotta do is just show one time that you hitting a woman in this country yeah and it's over nobody like chris brown's not working anymore oh good point well let me let me just say this as being a woman and and been in fights

If somebody hits you, you got to defend yourself back. So I don't know where this country think that you just supposed to go around and beat the shit out of a man and he don't supposed to respond.

That's not fair. Because if you, you treat me, I'm going to treat you the way you treat me. If you, if you don't put your hands on me, then I shouldn't put your hands on. Oh, I should put my hands on you. But as some women, but, but as some women in this country just think I can slap the shit out of him and you can't hit me because a girl, I have two sons hit that bitch back. She hit you.

But don't hit her first. Equality. Yeah. Yes. You say you want equality. Okay, bitch, you hit me. I got to give it to you back. You just got to raise. Don't hit anyone. Yes. Don't hit anyone. But some women think that they could just beat the shit out of a man. And by him being a man, he can't respond. That's not fair. Why are you going to make my son out of a pussy? Mm-hmm.

Don't be running around here. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Hear, hear. And I tell my son, don't hit no woman because I don't want no woman hitting you. But if a bitch hit first, you need to shake that whole hell loose. Yeah. That's why I'm supporting trans boxing.

All right. I just tried to put a button on that somehow. You guys see the Olympics? Yeah, we saw the Olympics. All right. Yeah, we did. That was a fucking girl. I know. I know. These days, you got to damn near take a picture. Your pussy need an ID. It say that you a woman. I know, right?

And by the way, I'm on tour. I'm doing my Hot and Flashy tour. Yeah, plug it. Hot and Flashy tour. Go to misspatcomedy.com. I'm here in New York. Go to my phone. We got the dates right here. Oh, I can't see. She know I can't fucking see. We got Birmingham, Alabama, the lyric. October 13th. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So, the... The latest one. It started October 18th and 19th in Buffalo, New York at Helium. Mm-hmm. And then Milwaukee. Hold on.

Pabst Theater. Great room. Yeah, you skipped Town Hall in New York. Oh, no. We'll post about it. Okay. Nice. That's a big one. What about View More? And then just go to misspackcomedy.com to get all of your tickets online.

Oh, she want me to read it. Go to Buffalo. Okay, I'm going to be in Buffalo. Town Hall in New York. Milwaukee. St. Louis. Munchin Hall, Pennsylvania. Yeah, it's basically Pittsburgh. Munn Hall, Pennsylvania. Richmond, Virginia. Albany. Syracuse. New York. Just go to MissPatComedy.com and get your tickets. And come see me on the Hot and Flashy Tour because this is for the women who got their internal thermostat has turned on. And for the men that have to deal with us. Yeah, you got that right, sister. It's not easy.

You want to lay back? You want to sit back? Yeah, because I just finished my tour. I just shot my special last night. Whoa! Yay!

Yeah. Who you shoot it for? Netflix. All right. That's exciting. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking great. It was here in New York. It was. If it's as good as it felt, I'm happy. That's great. Was it here in New York? Yeah. It was Village Underground. Oh, nice. Great. Didn't you do, is it spoiler alert? Did you do two? I did do two. There was like, the concept was that I was going to shoot half of it pregnant and the other half a year after I had my kid.

And now I'm looking at it and I'm going, I don't know if I need the first half. I think I like the hour that I wrote like as it is. I don't really want to fuck with it. Okay. So I'm...

We'll see. I'm like, I got a great editor and I said, if you can make it work, great. And if you can't, then drop the first hour, leave the second and we'll use whatever footage from that we can. It's very unique. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like that. You could also use the pregnancy stuff and like the credits or something. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, let's not force it. Yeah. Like a chopped up, you know, I don't want somebody to go, well, it was good. It was like a good idea. Right.

That's a fucking nightmare. Whatever's the funniest, go with that. Right, exactly. That's great. All right. Well, before I get out of here, make sure y'all go and watch Miss Pat Settles It every Wednesday night and go stream the Miss Pat show on BET+. Yeah, you got it. And watch the slavery episode. I can't wait to watch it. I'm going to watch that very soon. That's exciting. All right. Is this after my... Yes, October. Okay, so yeah, I'm doing a couple of warm-ups at the Spokane Comedy Club.

uh in yeah october 24th through 26 i'm doing hilarities in cleveland oh i love that place 23rd love and then too doing starting the theaters again in february it's not fully announced but i got the routing here so i can give you a taste of i'm doing um charlotte richmond dc philly bethlehem fucking tulsa austin dallas houston new orleans neck of the woods memphis knoxville nashville birmingham

Atlanta. See you at the Claremont Lounge. Swing and Richard. We'll go. Swing and Richard. All right, we'll do both.

A lot more, though. I added like 60 cities on my site. I don't have them all yet, but they are up now once this comes out. So samorell.com or just follow us all at Punch Up. Are you guys on Punch Up? No. Oh, you should get on Punch Up. I'll talk to you about it. Both of you guys. PunchUp.live slash samorell. PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Get our tickets for shows there. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Hey, I'm all over the road. Hey, you ever been to Bulldogs, by the way, in Atlanta? Yeah.

I think he's gay, y'all. Oh, that's a great gay part. Great gay part. I was in, I gotta go, but I was at the Bulldogs one time. I just wanted to see what was in there. Oh, yeah. And I go in the back of the Bulldogs. I mean, when I tell you gay means no how to treat a straight woman, I get in the back of them and guess who I bump into? My fucking brother. Oh! He's coming.

Wow, that's incredible.

Wow. Cliffhanger. Tune into the end, folks. And I think you just outed your brother in public. I don't know if that was out there. He's already out. All right. He's at Bulldogs. He's out and loving every minute of it. Hey, I'm in Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood.

Thanks, guys. Get some Bodega Cat. Thank you, Kel, for coming in. BodegaCatWhiskey, folks. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. We just got in like 10 comedy clubs. That's right. And we are all over the place. We're cooking. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Get a bottle. Thank you, guys. We might be drunk. Miss Pat, Rosebud. Check them out on the road. We'll see you all in hell. Watch their stuff. Bye. Bye. Sunday's a defender. And Norman's talking shit up in his home. On the roof, life is feeling dangerous.

♪ I'm out to lunch here at noon ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't love me ♪