Ep 197: Simon Recs (Rex)
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Oh, yeah. And we're off. The sound of domestic abuse. Here we are. Cheers, boys. Cheers, boys. Thanks for having me back. Simon Rex back in the building. Hi, baby. This the third one? I did. Third one? I think it is. Holy shit. Wow. You had a solo, then you had a Halloween, and now here. Yeah, that's right. The Halloween was a classic. Oh, we got the picture of it right there. We got Simon in the- Oh, yeah. Where? The cartoon. Oh, yeah. You're Superman. We're the ambiguously gay duo. Oh, man. That's so cool. Which I think put us on Robert Smigel's radar. That's right.

You got to get him back on with the insult dog versus Winnie. Oh, Triumph versus Winnie. I got to just work with Smigel recently. He reached out, which was such an honor to do a live Adam Sandler song because Adam couldn't do it or it was too big to do it. And I performed one of his rap songs with Smigel doing Triumph back and forth. And I had memorized the song. We did it live at a...

What was the place in L.A.? The comedy place. Store? No. Improv? Comedy Magic Club? The one on La Cienega. Anyway. Laugh Factory? Nah, it's like a place they do live shows. Anyway. Dynasty Typewriter? I got to perform with Triumph. Oh, okay. That was fucking cool. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a huge fan. For me to poop on.

Yeah, he's, that was, I mean. And Smigel's a man, dude. Yeah, that was cool. I don't know if you could do half of his, I mean, he would just go call everybody a virgin at Comic-Con. Yeah, he could do it. All right. He's still doing it. Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, he's still doing it. A lot of fat jokes. We did it. We did it. Yeah, it's great.

Big fan. If you ever want to see some shit you can't do, is it Jumbo the Clown? What's that? Oh, don't even pull it up. Really? I might have the name wrong, but he was just like an offensive clown. If you want to see some shit you really can't do, John Wayne Gacy the Clown. That guy was doing some cutting edge shit. Oh, yeah.

Wait, you guys aren't... Was John Wayne Gacy... Was that the 70s? Yucko the Clown. When was he? The New York Murderer? When was it? He was 80s? Look it up. That's back when serial killers were sexy. Like...

I don't know if he was sexy. They could get away with, oh, he wasn't sexy. You're right. Who was the hot one that murdered people? Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy. Yes. Oh, yeah. He's like overrated kind of. For a killer, he's hot. For a killer, he's attractive, I guess. And he did his own court case, which is kind of sexy. Yeah. Oh, he was his own lawyer? Yeah. If unhinges your type, he had a thing going. Right. Right. And he escaped from prison. Pretty impressive. Crafty.

I like him. Wait, he escaped from prison? Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, by the way, he was in the woods or something. He was so good, he could just charm you. He's in a prison outfit. He's like, no, that's not me. These aren't the droids you're looking for. When people lie...

When people lie to your face that convincingly, you're just like, maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was no Google. So he would just kill a bunch of people in Utah and then take a bus to Florida. And he was just back on the scene. What's his name? Back on the scene. Who's the one that sex zombies? That guy? Who's that? Dahmer? Dahmer kind of looks like a leading man in that picture. Oh, yeah. I can see it.

My Dahmer joke. The show, did you watch the show on Netflix? No. Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty well done. Super creepy, but it's set in the 80s. So at one point they bring Jeffrey Dahmer's dad into the police station. They're like, we got crazy news. Your son is gay. He's a serial killer and he's a cannibal. And the dad's like, he's gay? I did Ted Bundy one, I think, about how in the doc, the cop came on. He was like, that guy's problem. He was a narcissist.

I was like, that was his only problem? Yeah. You know what Bin Laden's problem? Never punctual. Always late. No, but it's... Those serial killer docs, man, they're... Did you watch the Pete Rose one yet? No! Tonight I'm watching it. It's all about the gambling, how he fixed everything? And just, he's a fucking lunatic, but he's so... For kind of a Neanderthal meathead, just...

unbelievable hitter he's he's it's a fascinating story charming did they allow him back into the hall of fame what's the end result no it is funny that they're like he's not in for gambling like we did fuck a minor too like just use the minor and you don't sound as bad minorly yeah because ty cobb i think pushed his wife down a flight of stairs yeah and and they're like you know he's in at a certain point you know his wife was of age he pushed her so it was fine

What is it with serial killers and the three names? Is it because we identify them as three names, or is it just a coincidence? You've got to find this comic because he did a great bit on it. I forgot his name. Oh, I saw that. He had the bit about how they use the three names. He goes, and I think it's because they're in a lot of trouble. Oh, yeah, the mom. That's funny. Thomas Matthew Crooks. Get down here. You've got to find his name because I want to credit him, too. You can find that.

That was scary. That's such a good angle. We need a new serial killer or like a mash. It's been a while, right? I feel like we need something. I bet we've had them, but we just don't know it. There's so many, they kind of go under the radar now. I saw this thing recently about the FBI case. They're doing a thing on there's so many serial killers that are truckers because they can just drive around and kill someone.

And that there's a bunch out right now that they're like got a tail on or whatever they call it. And there's a bunch of serial killers who are truck drivers who just do it all around the country and they're hard to get. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? They're listening to our podcast. Yeah. They pause. They strangle a hooker. They get back in the car. I know. They need pods for the long drive. That's true. They pop on us. A little Rogan. Yeah. Kill Tony. Hey, Theo Vaughn's got Trump. Kill a hooker. Kill Tony. Yeah.

So yeah, we were just talking about Theo getting Trump on. That's a pretty crazy thing. That's crazy. I mean, what the fuck? And then I was saying, we were talking about this before you got here. I don't trust people who don't laugh. Have you ever heard Trump laugh? This is a brilliant observation. I've never heard him. What's his laugh sound like? It's weird, yeah. He doesn't laugh. I'm trying to picture it. Yeah, I can't do it. He doesn't laugh. You've got to pull up the clip of Artie Lange and Howard Stern laughing.

I think he's on Seth Meyers telling the story already, but it's like it's the story of roasting Trump and how he like kind of couldn't take it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's really. Oh, yeah. He's just sitting there like this. He's like, I'm going to become the president now. Yeah. Roasted in the audience when it was like Obama was roasting him. Right. Yeah. He didn't like that either. Where is he? I don't know where this might be. We have thousands of hours of footage of him from over decades. And I can't. Yeah.

R.D. Lang, rest in peace. He's alive. Oh, yeah. I love him. I saw his sister the other night, and I hope we can get him back on at some point. I'd love to get him on. He's the best. I love him.

Yeah, go forward. He told the Trump. This is it. Unbelievable. I don't know.

What was your best joke? Go ahead. He was the funniest. Let me hear two of his. Let me hear two of the jokes. You know, there's talk about some Donald financial problems in Atlantic City. And I said that Donald took his daughter for a drive through Atlantic City and said, Someday, honey, your name will be at the top of all these buildings. That's if you marry a guy named Borgata. All right. He had to bring this crap up. No, you brought it up. It was terrible. All right.

He did a lousy job. I'm a loyal person. Right. I was nice to this guy. He comes and hits me. It's a joke. I don't care. I don't take jokes. There you go. That's a great fucking clip, though, isn't it? I think of that every time. And he got roasted on Comedy Central, too. Why do you keep agreeing to roast? Yeah, yeah. And to be fair, I haven't heard Biden laugh either. Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. But to laugh, you really have to know what's going on. That's true. Yeah, that's true. He's just not right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Now, Kamala, I've only heard laugh. Yeah. I've never heard her say anything. She laughs too much. Yeah. Yeah, forced laugh. I don't know. Somebody said she's a wine mom, which is a perfect, you know, like she's laughing too much and then she won't talk later because she's too drunk. Somebody nailed it. I can't remember who that was.

Bodega Cat, baby. Oh, dude, the new bottle's coming soon. I mean, we have it already, I think, but we had a shipping issue today. But Bodega Cat, we're doing it, man. It's weird how shipments are on land and cargo's at sea. Just a little weird. Oh, never thought of that. Holy shit. Wow, that's good. Some dyslexic person. It's like brain droppings type stuff. Yeah. That's the new car parkway. Yeah.

Right, right. You drive on a parkway, you park in a driveway. And I was sending you guys on our text thread those, like, the origin of the epidemiologist, what's the epitome, the epitite, the epititis. Epidermis. Epidermis. What's the word for the origin of words? Etymology. Etymology.

of all the terms from England of like, you know, flash in the pan or that Instagram page. When Norman turned me on to that guy, Cody Tucker. Cody Tucker. Who's that? Oh, he played him before. He just is like, he'll tell you the origin of words like that. That shit's fascinating. It all comes from England, like prison England. Yeah, a lot of war stuff, a lot of nautical stuff. Yeah, man. Break the ice.

Break the, what was it? Oh, the ship. That's when ships show up with the cargo and they got to break the ice to get them in because they're like, finally some more supplies. Break the ice. Let those fuckers drop those diapers off. Yeah, it started with pushing the envelope is how we started with it. Wait, what's that? I sent it to you guys. It's out there somewhere. You want to find? Pushing the envelope. I think it was something with airplanes. Like the pilot had to push the envelope with the cocaine in it to this boss or something. What is this here? Oh, I thought it was the yoke.

The yolk was the on-ball. I love how Google's now AI, right? Oh, yeah. I know, right? Damn, this is a good flavor. Holy shit. I've been eating. I ate half that bag. All right, I'm going to have one. What is it? This is like a version of the all-dress. Because I said I like all-dress. Is that why you did it? You fucking. What a thoughtful man. You considerate motherfucker, Matt. Clancy's. All-dress is my favorite potato chip. Winnie, you can't have any. You know, in Europe, you go to those. They've got those crazy chips in Europe, flavors in Asia. Oh, yeah. Tomato crisps. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You guys like Europe?

Welcome to my podcast. I'm going. When does this come out? What a stupid question. You guys like Europe. I'm going in three days. Where are you going? London. That's Europe. Where else am I going? Belfast, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, and Stockholm. That's Europe. Chosen all of them, baby. That's amazing, dude. That was great. Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah. And Frank House. That was a hot ticket. That was tough. You got one?

I literally, I couldn't get tickets. It's sold out. I'm like, sold out six weeks? What is this, fucking Taylor Swift? It's insane that I'm having to call in favors to get into the Anne Frank house. Yep. So I put in Instagram stories. I'm like, didn't know it was such a hot ticket. Any help would be appreciated. The Jewish mafia starts hitting me up. Jessica Seinfeld's like, let me know what I can do to help. Schumer DMs me. All these Jews are like, I got you. And I...

Someone said wait until Tuesday. They put up new tickets and I waited and I got them. Oh, nice. I remember I went by there and I tried to go in but I just walked by and I couldn't get in so I just looked at the exterior of the building and I just was like,

Like Chevy Chase and Vacation at Grand Canyon, like three nods. And then I left. I saw the house that she hid in, that scared little bitch. That's all you need is to see the house because the attic is a little lackluster. Yeah. There's not much going on. I'm sure she was disappointed, too. Yeah. She was like, a little more room would have been nice. Yeah. No Instagram, no Twitter. What did she do in there?

Yeah. I guess cried and screamed. She wrote. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Good point. Yo, Europe, man. Van Gogh Museum, too, I got tickets. Nice. I'm going to try to do a bang, bang one day in Amsterdam. It's so annoying. I got a few in others. Yeah, there's not enough time. And you're not a stoner, so you're not going to go do all that. Don't do all that, because I'm not a stoner either, and I was like, let me get weed. It's Amsterdam, and I ruined my whole trip. Yeah. What the fuck? Why are we not stoners?

We're mental. We're all up here. I think it heightens the doubts. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's why I like drinking it. Fucking shuts up those boys. That's exactly right. I've been a stoner my whole life. I'm on 10 months now, no weed, because I go back and forth. And I notice when I'm not on weed, the difference in my confidence and...

Every socially. Oh my God. When I'm stoned, I doubt everything. It's just, but you seem like a confident guy. I know. Now that I know you, I know you have like a ton of anxiety. Yeah, I'm a fucking mess. But like I, uh, I, I noticed the weed really makes me like antisocial, like not, I just want to hibernate and not socialize. And I'm trying to be social, which is, uh,

We were talking about eye contact's hard. I can't order a barista. It's so hard for me to make eye contact with a barista. I can't look at someone in the... I don't know. Is there beneath you? I don't know. It's not that at all. You Hollywood scumbag. I don't know. It's a weird thing. Like, I'm...

I can't explain it. I feel like a fraud or something. I feel like they're going to know I'm full of shit. I don't even... It sounds like you're just high. That's a high. Maybe it's... I don't think... Because normally you just look at a person, right? I feel like it's the weed. Remember going to 7-Eleven as a kid? You're like, they know. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have no idea. They're never thinking about you. You're like a 14-year-old idiot. They don't give a shit. My friend and I were so high once at home, and my dad knew, and he came in, and he just handed a pamphlet on cigarette smoking. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

It's the most passive aggressive way to be like, he didn't know it was weed. What is Winnie? What is this? Is this a shit moment? I hope not. Okay. What kind of dog is that? She's a pug with a hint of chihuahua. Okay. That's why the chihuahua makes her rude. The pugs are so friendly, but she's, you know. How old is she again? 17. Wow. She has the body of a 16 year old. Dude. Did I say that on the last one? Dude, we- Renews it.

I had her on the morning show segment in Baltimore, and then I'm walking into the comedy club there, and there's a line for people to get in outside, and as I'm walking around, everyone goes, Winnie! Oh, that's awesome. Winnie! That's awesome. I got to get her like a little scarf and sunglasses. Yeah. Hollywood. Yeah, like she always looks this way. She faces Mecca. Always. Dude, we haven't even mentioned this, but you're in so many new movies. Yeah, yeah. But you're just in a new one with Petunia.

Pacino? Oh, yeah. Vince Vaughn. Remember I sent you a still photo? You were like, oh, I'm on mushrooms in Paraguay or something. And it's the director who wrote True Detective. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That guy's a beast. Yeah, Nick Pizzolatto. I'm a huge fan of True Detective. I remember when that came out like 10 years ago, I was like, oh, Matthew McConaughey's my favorite actor.

now what's going on that was like a point in television he had just exactly that's when kind of TV started to not eclipse film but get as good oh yeah you know when you saw him and Woody Harrelson that show was just like holy shit this is incredible Michelle Monaghan yeah yeah yeah she was actually

supposed to be in this one, but then she got that new show. What's the show called on HBO where they go to the different islands? It's really good, dude. What's the new show? Bad Monkey. Oh, is it good? Have you seen it? I'm two in. Oh, really? And I'm loving it. With Vince Vaughn? Yeah. It's like Carl Hyasin books, so it's like Florida Noir. Is that Japanese? No, he's like a Florida Noir type. Oh, wow. Floir. Yeah.

But he's like Vince Vaughn being like a really fun guy. So Vince is kind of, well, I didn't know that Vince was having a quote unquote comeback because I didn't think he went anywhere. I'm like, oh, he's on Curb. But he didn't get the meaty roles that we're used to him getting. Right. I mean, how do you stay on top that long? He's a comedy guy. He's a comedy guy. He's a comedy guy, but he's an amazing dramatic actor. So it was funny. I just did this movie with him and Pacino and Shane Gillis. I got Shane in it. What?

Yeah, dude. Shane did a little cameo. I was on his couch. I was in Austin on his couch reading the script, and it was written for Norm MacDonald. Obviously, he passed away. So I was like, dude, do you want to do this movie with me and Pacino and Vince Vaughn? And he's like, duh. We have the same manager. He did it.

Wow. So that was awesome. And he had to, I'm not going to say anything. I'll let it be. He did great. But anyway, it was weird doing a movie with Vince Vaughn that's not a comedy because it's basically the movie is like True Detective, but a film. There's no comedy. And I was like hoping to zing and zang with them, but it's like heavy, dramatic acting. And Vince is so fucking good, man. Because he's got a darkness under there, like most funny people. But he did that movie years ago. Remember that one called Return to Paradise with Joaquin Phoenix?

I never saw that. It's like a Midnight Express type thing.

That movie's awesome. Drugs, they get arrested. Vaughn is fucking heavyweight in that. Really? He's a smart motherfucker, man. And he's just a good dude. And we had a blast on set because, you know, 98% of the day is doing this, hanging out. But he brought it, man. It was really cool to work with him. And working with Al Pacino was just surreal. You're looking at him, you're like, that's Sonny Corleone under there? He looks like an old...

like wizard and you're looking at him you're like that's Carlito that's wait that's that's fucking Serpico that's Scarface you know start and you're like trying to remember your lines and you're looking at him and it's you're trying to compartmentalize it was it was intense and then after a few days like oh he's just a person but he's on Mount Rushmore of like the living legend oh yeah little guy right yeah he's a little guy but he's still got the curiosity he's still sharp and

He's got to be like mid-80s, right? Yeah, 84. He turned 84 on set. It was really sweet. We had a cake for him saying happy birthday. He did a whole speech. Just got a lady pregnant. Yeah. You know, he has a baby. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. So they had the baby and the baby's like nine months old now. That's a lot. Wow.

That is a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been married. What's funny, too, is that he's so sweet. He he he's 84. So he would forget that he told you this story yesterday. OK. But you don't want to be like, hey, Al, you told me this. You should run for president. He'd say the same. He'd say the same thing all the time. And it's like watching a rerun of your favorite sitcom. Like he's still telling the same story. All right.

He's Pacino. You got to just let him go. You're like, oh, no way. Really? Every day. You're in a hoo-ha. We remember. It was good. But yeah, he was a sweetheart. And we went to see Ali Wong. And so funny moment. He's like, Simon, because we stayed at the Wynn and she was playing at the Wynn. So he's like, let's go see some comedy. So he took me with him. I'm sitting next to him the whole night next to him watching Ali Wong as she's screaming about her vagina. Yeah.

And he was, and I'm sitting there, I'm like, hey, man, when was the last time you saw stand-up comedy? And he goes, 35 years ago. Wow. And I go, who? And he said, Rodney Dangerfield. I was like, dude, are you serious? And then it was a cool moment. We're leaving, like, his security team's taking us, like, out the back, and it's literally, like, one of those moments

out of a movie. So Allie opens her door and she's like, Simon? And Al had walked ahead of me. So I was caught in this moment of like, I don't want to keep him waiting, but I got to say hi to her. And I see him like waiting for me. And I'm like, does he want to talk to her? I don't want to be like, hey, come meet, you know. So she's like, what are you doing here? I'm like, oh, I'm just here shooting a movie. And then I feel him walk up and he walks

her jaw hits the floor. Yeah. She doesn't know Pacino's in the building. Holy. And he starts praising her about Beef, her show, for five minutes and she's just looking at him, looking at me like, what is going on? And he was so sweet and he just like praised how much he loved the show and as like we leave, she's like, what?

It was cool, man. Oh, that's incredible. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get the photo? No, we didn't get a photo, but it really happened. You want that photo, but you don't want to ask. It's a tough spot. It's funny you said it, too. I never asked him for a photo because then you're immediately a fan. That's true. And I wanted to think I'm not on his level, but like one of him, you know. So I never asked for a photo. If he dies, though, I mean, he's going to forget the

photo a bit later anyway. He's never gonna die. I'm not a fan, just you might die. Yeah. That's what he was saying. Exactly. But yeah, that was cool. So yeah, it's called Easy's Waltz, but I got a movie that's out now by the time this airs. It's out. You're in so many movies right now. Yeah, this one is called Blink Twice. Zoe Kravitz directed it. It's with Channing Tatum. Great cast. And

And it's a movie. And then another one called Greedy People with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tim Blake Nelson, some other cool people. Jim Gaffigan's in it. Oh, nice. I feel like Tim Blake Nelson, he's not enough stuff. I feel like he's always really good, right? He's awesome, man. Hope Brother, where art thou? Yeah, he's awesome. That was awesome. Yeah. He was great as, what's it called? Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid.

Oh, in what's it called? It's called Old Henry. Old Henry. That movie. OK, so it's funny you say that because I saw that on a plane. That's a wreck. Old Henry. Never heard of it. I never. You wrecked this. I never saw this. Shane wrecked it to me and I watched it. It's incredible movie. And I saw it on a plane. I'm like, what is this movie? I've never heard of it.

And the director's name was Potsy. I can't remember his last name right now. Anyway, Potsy did an amazing job on that movie. So when Greedy People was presented to me, they're like, it's the guy who did Old Henry. I'm like, I'm in. I love that movie. Great movie. That's a great rec. I was thinking The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Oh, yeah. He's great in that, too. He's awesome. The guy's a legend. He's a three-name serial killer. That's right.

Now let me ask you, what's it like going to walk around Vegas with Pacino? You got to feel like a boss. Well, it was more, he kind of hibernated in his villa and me and Vince would walk around and I've never seen a celebrity handle fans better than Vince. Me and Shane were, were,

and how he, is that a right word? Marveling? Yeah. We were reveling. We were revealing. We were blown away by how Vince handled fans because he's six foot, he's taller than you. He's like six five. Yeah. Can't miss him. And imagine Vegas, it's like middle America drunk. Right. He's just going to get attacked.

But by the time somebody recognizes him, he sees it and he goes up to them and starts talking to them before they could even be like, hey. And he gives them a spiel, just does a bit, blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, he's like spins off and they're just like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah. Somehow avoids it by going into the fire.

Alpha. Yeah, it's insane. And me and Shane were just watching him work, and we're like, this is incredible. Me and Shane are trying to hide. No one even cares about us. It's Vince Vaughn, but he handled it so crazy. And yeah, he's that dude. Wow. Yeah.

I'm a fan out of the gate. I mean, when I saw him in Swingers 30 years ago. So you know how hard it was for me in Vegas for six weeks with him to never once go, Vegas, baby. I never did it once. That's money. I never did it once. My brother had that poster up when he was a kid. It was just on his bed. Oh, with the martini? No, no, no. It was like a photograph, but it was a different version. It was them in the car, and it just said Vegas, baby.

And then you did Made, which was another vague one. Made was fun, though. That was fun. What's that? P. Diddy. Yeah, that's right. Put him on the wish list of all-time guests. Yeah, P. Diddy. Get him on there. Now, Vince Vaughn would be fun as hell. Oh, yeah. He's the best, man. Anyway, so circling back, I think he's had... So Nick Pizzolatto wrote this movie for Vince and...

And he was looking for someone to play his brother. For a couple years, the movie was kind of just written and done for Vince. And he saw Red Rocket and he goes, that's Vince's brother. Whoa! And so he just put me in the movie. So it was like I didn't even have to audition. He just thought I...

I was just so, you know, rambling fast. He's like, he could play Vince's brother. That's the best. Is this like going to be in theaters or a studio? Well, you never know, but I imagine a fucking movie with those guys. Yeah, there it is. So Michelle Monaghan was supposed to be in it, as you see there, but Kate Mara is in it instead. And she was so sweet because Michelle Monaghan got, what's that show? White Lotus. Oh.

So she went off to do White Lotus, so she couldn't do the movie. Wait, that's how old this was shooting back? We shot this, we wrapped three months ago. Oh, so there's a new White Lotus thing. Yeah, they're shooting it right now in Thailand or something. So I understand her, like, probably had to choose between the two. It's like, ooh, a De Niro, I mean, a Pacino movie or Thailand for... I know.

I know. Three months. Stav and I always talk about that because I guess back in the day, the actor William Peterson was offered Platoon. And he was just like, eh. And they did some shitty movie in LA instead. I think he was like, I could bang models in LA. Yeah. Or I could get yelled at by Oliver Stone in Vietnam. I know, right? It's like, which one do you go with? Yeah.

He probably made the right choice for him. He's still doing... He seems mentally better than Sheen. That's a good point. So Charlie Sheen told me that... You guys. Yeah. Oh, wait. Where is it? Oh, yeah. That's Sheen. Is that Pizzolatto? That's me, Pizzolatto, and Sheen Gillis. That's cool. Good name for R. Kelly. Pizzolatto. Peterson did make fucking Manhunter. That's a sick movie. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Wait, who made it? He was in Manhunter. Oh, yeah. The little man movie. That's a great show. That was sick as fuck. So I was going to say that...

Charlie Sheen told me that Oliver Stone, there was a guy on set on Platoon who was a real Vietnam veteran that was there to say, no, this is, you know, to make sure things were authentic. Like the Nick Nolte Tropic Thunder guy. Exactly. Exactly. Which was probably based off this dude. Whoa. So he was a real vet who was there and he was a tough motherfucker and he was like making sure things were authentic. And I guess he and Oliver Stone really didn't get along because Oliver's movie and this guy's probably trying... You can only imagine the shit that went on to buy the... I guess...

The last day of the movie, they got in a fist fight. What? And he said that Oliver Stone beat his ass. What? In front of everybody. Beat up the vet? The Vietnam vet. Is there any record of this? No. This was just from his mouth to my ears. Wow, he beat up the fucking vet? Yep. You're going to listen to the director after that. Maybe we should do something different here. Fuck.

Thank you. Cut to that vet murdering me. How was the shoot? We beat up a veteran. Yeah. Not great. Wow. He said it was like in the bud, in the brain. I feel like I saw it. Is he? Is Oliver Stone a vet or no? I think maybe. Yeah, maybe that's why he's like, you know, fuck you. I know what I'm doing. Yeah, I think he was. Interesting. Oh.

He was a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah, there we go. He's probably like, why did they studio send this guy? I know what I'm doing. So it's a vet versus a vet. I went to a party in Hollywood once and he was sitting in the bushes. Like, I'm not kidding. Binoculars. Camouflage. It was like some party in the hills and I'm with my buddy and we're like, dude, is that Oliver Stone? And he's like scrumming around in the bushes by himself. I was like, this dude's the best. He'd be a good podcast guest. He'd be great. He's kind of gone full conspiracy. Didn't he do that whole, oh, is he a conspiracy? I mean, was he ever not? Oh.

He made so many. He made The Doors, JFK. Oh, yeah. He's great. He's always been doing. Born on the 4th of July. He did those documentaries, too, about the voiceover on some National Geographic, something like that. Yeah, he's got some QAnon stuff cooking. Oh, man. Is QAnon still a thing? I don't know. Is it still around? That's a good question. QAnon.

Yeah, so what's one with Zoe Kravitz? So, yeah, Blink Twice, it's... Zoe did a great job, man. It's not easy to make a movie. I mean, I've...

As you guys know, there's not a lot of good shit out there, and she fucking murdered it, and it's like a suspense thriller, but it's got some comedy in it, too, so I'm sort of the comedic relief in this movie, which is awesome. We shot it in Mexico a couple years ago. The strike held it up for a while, which was sort of a blessing in the end because then she got to really take her time in the edit and do some cool stuff, and it's, yeah, it's, man, it's a great movie. I just went to the premiere a couple nights ago here in New York. Wow.

And I saw Chappelle afterwards. Hey! And he was there. I'm like, Dave, what's up? I kind of know him just from being around comics and stuff. And he's like, man, that was a masterpiece. That was just brilliant. And I was like, really? He was just blown away. He was like truly blown away. And I was like, I told Zoe, I was like, Dave thinks it's a masterpiece. Where is he? She ran over to talk to him. It was just kind of one of those magic nights. That's great. They let him smoke in the theater? I didn't see that, but I bet he would. Yeah.

He's the one that he could smoke anywhere, right? He does that. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, he earned it, I guess. Oh, yeah, there we go. He did an eternity war, just like, hey, everybody, new special coming out. Yeah. Putting gas in his car. Let me just fucking... Oh, and Geena Davis is in the movie, and me and her became friends. Wow.

because she hasn't been around a minute. She's the best man. So she really loves bad, corny dad jokes. So I'd be like writing bad dad jokes on set and we would just, she'd write one and come up. So to this day, we text each other bad jokes all the time. Nice. Remember her in, uh,

Long Kiss Goodnight, she was badass in that. Oh, yeah. Samuel L. Jackson. I never saw that. Earth Girls Are Easy and League of Their Own. And she's in Mensa. She's an smart motherfucker. Oh, shit, Thelma and Louise. Oh, yeah, she won an Oscar for that, right? She won an Oscar for something.

That movie is so much darker than you think. Oh, yeah. You just think of the fun. I don't know why I thought it wasn't going to be darker because the scene that we all know is them just driving off a cliff. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, it was fun. Yeah, it was beautiful. It was friendship. But it is a badass movie. What, does she get beaten up by a guy in the beginning? Yeah, her husband's beating her. Yeah. And they're just like, fuck it. And they're on the run. It's...

It's pretty damn good. And he's in Ridley Scott, too. Young Brad Pitt. Yeah, that was his first thing, right? He was the hot guy on the couch. Yeah, sure. Cowboy hat.

What was that? California. California with a K? Yeah, with a K, but this might be before California. Oh, yeah. That was kind of the first thing I think he did that put him on the map. Wait, is that his wife or his daughter? Where? Daughter. Oh, it's his daughter. Okay. He had the armor on the waist, looked a little chubby. Yeah, it was funny. At one point, I think on Valentine's Day, she had a party in L.A., Zoe, and I was sitting...

they're looking at her and she's sitting with her mom and dad and you're just like, what the fuck? Like, you know, her mom is Lisa Bonet. Lisa Bonet. Her dad's Lenny Kravitz and she's just the alien love child of these beautiful people and you're just like, what? She's like an alien, man. Lenny Kravitz is like 60-something with abs. So hot. Yeah. I thought you were going to say an ass. He's got an ass too. But he said some quote recently that he's been abstinent for 12 years. No. Really? No.

Good. We don't need him out there. That's why he... Really? Get him off the market. I don't think we're competing for the same ass. That means you got a lot of pussy. Yeah. That's great. That's like when you're young, at least I was, I drank so much soda when I was young that I'm like, I don't like soda anymore. Yeah. That's probably how he was with pussy. Probably. He was like, I had enough Dr. Pepper for a lifetime. To be abstinent, you either get a ton of pussy and pull back or just get none. That's it. Yeah. I feel like he was the first.

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Like I was abstinent in high school. Yeah. Remember when you enter your virginity and you're like, oh, I'm going to get laid all the time now. And then you don't get laid for like two years. Yeah. But it's still good to just get it over with. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was actually blown before. Oh, me too. I had sex before blown. Oh, no. I was blown like nine times before. Whoa. Really? Yeah. I was like, sex was hard. It meant something to them.

Women back then, they were like, yeah, I'll blow you. I don't give a shit. But the sex, they're like, nah, I'm not losing it to you. Well, sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one-on-one. Hell yeah, dude. What song is that? Perry Como? No.

What's his name? Bobby Darin. What's his name? Duran Duran. Oh, girls on film. Anyway, that's a song. Yeah. I mentioned you last night. Yeah, George Michael. I mentioned you last night to my friend and I was like, oh, he's a really good actor. I was mentioning a couple movies here and he's like, I don't know those. I don't know movies. And I was like, he did the song My Dick. Oh, shit. I love that song. Yeah, man. That song just won't go away. Yeah.

Good. Bad dick. Like herpes. Yeah, exactly. Keeps popping up. Yeah, it went platinum. It's funny. I got a platinum plaque in my bathroom and did a million downloads, and I made the song in five minutes fucking around. And it was like, and then after, kind of like talking about getting laid for the first time, you think it's going to happen. We made this song in five minutes, me and my boys. It's a hit. And then ever since then, I'd be like, hey, we're going to make another. Never again. Time for a sequel. It was like an accident. Well, we did do My Dick Part Two, and it just wasn't the same. Ah.

It was like we were trying to redo the magic. It was about the money, dude. Yeah. It's what? All sequels about the money. Yeah. It wasn't pure. So there's only a few sequels. Let's talk about them. There's only a few sequels that are better than the first. Return of the Jedi. Terminator. No, Empire Strikes Back. Terminator's arguably, I just watched it the other day. The first one's so fucking good, but that's a close one. Godfather 2 is better than Godfather. It's close. I don't know, man. I don't know about that. We got Brando in the first one, though. First one's fucking good. Yeah.

Fuck. The second one is incredible, too. It is.

It's more action-packed, the second one. He's in Little Italy. Yeah, honestly, the way he fucking knifes that motherfucker. Yeah, the jump from roof to roof. I love all that. Young De Niro and Young Pacino, it is pretty iconic. Oh, yeah. So that's pretty great. What's another good sequel? Best sequels? Yeah, what's another good sequel? Is there a list? Dumb and Dumber. No. Terrifier 2. Never saw it.

They're pretty violent. That just came out. Fast 5-11. Come on. I went to try to watch one of those recently. Captain America is pretty good. I've never seen it. I'm not a huge Marvel guy, but that's a pretty good one. People are saying that new Wick is pretty great. Dude, I caught the second half on TV the other night, and I couldn't turn it off. Yeah. It was unbelievable. I put a podcast in on a plane and John Wick on silence.

Just because it's a great visual. Just the kicking ass and the knife fighting and the shooting. What podcast do you listen to? By the way, that's so funny how overstimulated we all are. I know. I know. Like the pod isn't enough. I gotta fucking... I had a porno going the other day while watching a documentary. I was like, what am I doing? I'm getting like the worst and the best kind of entertainment at once. And you were jacking off the JFK. Yeah. Yeah. Last night, it's funny. I was trying to sleep in my hotel room in Brooklyn and it was just death silence. And I was like...

I got to put on like an audio book or something. I can't just lay here with nothing with my thoughts. I'm going to fucking lose my mind. And I was like, okay, just see if you could lay here and not entertain. Like, it's so fucking hard. It's so hard to just sit there. Especially on the road. Oh my God. Home is easier. At least you're home, but on the road. On the road and some weird hotel room. Sopranos like white noise. Yeah. What'd you say about white noise? Sopranos. Oh yeah. Or actually put on brown noise. I do that too. Just to...

What's brown noise? It's like white noise, but different octave or something. It's like a... Yeah. Oh, all right. Brown noise. More violent. I got it. All right. Well, I was just in Martha's Vineyard, and I'm like, all right, here I am, the most relaxing place on the planet. I'm sitting on a porch in a rocking chair looking out at the ocean. There's boats, there's seagulls, and I'm like...

I wonder who's texting me. What's on Instagram? Hey, let me check my For You page and watch some whore twerking. Yeah, we're fucked. So I put the iPod in. You got to leave the phone in the room. Yeah, you got to have it out of your way. Yeah. You know, we didn't grow up. I'm older than you guys, but I feel like these kids now, man, that are like these kids that grew up with the phone, they're going to be so fucked because they have access to hardcore porn at 10 years old.

man, my ex-girlfriend, I remember we were having dinner and her little brother and her friends were in the other room and her dad's like, guys, come to dinner. And I'm like, guys, come in. And I go in the room and it's like three 10-year-olds sitting around an iPad watching the most hardcore disturbing. No. And I'm like, oh, they're fucked forever. Oh my God. They're fucked forever. Their hardwiring is like, they think they got to do this now. Yeah. And they're the virginity. It was like violent porn. Oh.

It was disturbing. And I'm like, oh, this is just every kid now has access to that. I'm sure our parents look at us like that, too. Yeah, but we just had, I remember my stepdad had like a Playboy under the cushion and it would just be a still photo of some boobs and you're like, whoa. But this is a horror film. I remember at summer camp, like jerking off in the fucking bathroom stall to like a club magazine. Oh, yeah. That's hot. Yeah, club was hot. Club was cool. But that was hardcore. That was hardcore. Penetration. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're just like, fuck. You pass it around. You're like, page 67 is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Check it out. Buried out in the woods. Yeah. No, you're right. It's over. There was a picture from 2000, and it was in New York. I saw it on Twitter somewhere, and it just said, look, no one's on their phones. I know. I see that all the time. I think you were more alert with your neighbor, but also sometimes...

It is good to zone out. It's tough. It's a tough line to walk. Yeah. It's hard. If you can get over the hump, like you're like, all right, I'm going to pick up this book and read it. And everything is telling you, fuck the book, get the phone. But if you can get over the hump of the boredom, you'll get into the book. It's like watching a foreign film. Just give it like five minutes and you're in. Same with reading. You just have to just commit to the... Yeah, and I would say the same with sex with the wife. She's like, I don't want to. I'm like, give it five. I'll be done. She's reading. Yeah.

Yeah, she's reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, fuck me. But yeah, gotta push through. You gotta do it. And when you get to the other side, because they say if you go, they have all these retreats now where you go for two weeks and you don't use your phone and the first four days you're like, yeah, dude, jonesing. And then you're like,

completely cured you just gotta get through it don't you kinda weirdly judge those people a little bit sure cause when I was like I just go back to a retreat I'm like you're fucking weird yeah yeah like I admire you but it's weird yeah and they always tell a story they're like yeah the first day I was crying my eyes out I'm like yeah I don't wanna do that no that sounds like hell but they'll get there I bet kids too in the future will have a thing where they're like

Going off phone is cool. Well, I heard kids, I heard now, I forget who's telling me, that kids who are like 15 and 16 are like, social media is corny. That's what my parents do. Yes. Yeah, that now it's kind of like old and corny and like your parents do it. Good. That's how full circle it's gotten. Yeah, it's going to be weird that when rap is corny. I know. You know, because we like rap.

Right. Yeah, that's like oldies. It's not going to be corny. It's just going to be different types of rap. Like, if you listen to rap now, it's so different than the rap we grew up with. That's true. Like, it's so funny. I'll hear this shit.

By the way, can I give you a peeve based off that? My peeve is when the gym plays music that's shitty. Oh, God. You've got to play broad stuff at the gym. Yeah, true. It's going to be over. It happened to me yesterday. Get Sean Paul the fuck off at the gym. I don't even care what people say. Shut the fuck up. I had to put my earbuds in to mute the sound of the music. Yes. Because it's so... I do the same thing.

Well, it's better than when the guy brings his own boombox. Oh, yeah. I remember that. I used to work at the Rec, so it's just old people and poor people and me. And one guy would have the rap music blaring every day. We all hated him, but, you know. Radio Raheem. Yeah, exactly. But there's a racial component, so you let it slide. And then another guy brought one in one day, and they just played it together, and they hated each other.

And they're like, fuck you, fuck you. This is my music. And he's like, but this is my music. And now everyone else in the gym is going, now you get it. Yeah. We hate all of you. It's like when someone's loud on the phone in public, on speakerphone, and everyone can hear you, you want to go up next to them and do the same thing. Yes. Shut them up. Yes, the Larry David. Oh, is that a Larry David? Yeah, he's at dinner one time, and a guy's on his phone like, I know, right? Then the guy said this, and then Larry David just starts going, oh.

Oh, man, the other day I was doing this, and the guy looks over, he's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. LD. And then going back to the reading thing, man, I feel like I'll read a book, and a week later someone's like, well, how was the book? I have no idea what I read. That's hard to retain. Like, I don't retain any, I truly have no idea what I read.

And then on top of that, I'll read a page, and I'm like, I was just thinking about 87 other things. I got to read the page four fucking times. Well, you got ADD. I do have ADHD, yes, yes. I'll do that when I read drunk. Sometimes I'll come home drunk. You can read drunk? Clearly not. I'll come home, and I'll try, and then I'll just be like, I'll be like 40 pages in. The next day, I'm like, fuck, I got to reread all these pages. I was blackout drunk. Any book recs?

You know what I loved? Shout out Matt Ruby. I said this on Rogan recently, but Matt Ruby told me to read the Agassi book called Open. Oh, yeah. He was on that? Is he on that? Yeah. It's incredible. I loved it so much. I heard it's great. I never read it. Even if you don't like sports, you'll love it. Okay. It's moving. It's hilarious. It's...

Fascinating. It's a guy who's so hard on himself and obsessed and, you know, such a rebel. He called his dad the dragon. He hated his dad. They basically sent him away. He referred to, like, these tennis camps as prison because they knew they had a prodigy on their hands. So once they saw him, they didn't want to get rid of him. And he knew that. And he was like, fuck you. I hate it here. Whoa. The dad would call and say, like, no, no, no, money's not a problem. We want him.

here. Whoa. And he just heard like, oh, they just added time onto my prison sentence like that. I had to stay there. Jesus. But he realized he was miserable there. So he was like, I'm going to act out. So he was like, you know, he'd go get like a pink mohawk and earring. You know, he started dressing in like jean shorts. He started dressing like a girl and be like, fuck you. Wow. And he'd win these tournaments dressed like that as like a rebel. It's hilarious. Wow. I mean,

He's an awesome dude. I just... I have so much respect for him. But then also he's like... Everybody says that book's good. It's incredible. It's Ghostridden by the guy who did The Tender Bar, which was a popular one. Uh-huh. But he... Good rec. Dude, he's... J.R. Moringer. Yeah, he is...

just so hard on himself the way we are. Like he's so, he's like, oh, I couldn't get over the hump with Sampras, but he, dude, he had this insane career. He's like top 10 ever. So he hated tennis the whole time. Hated it. That's how he opens. He goes, I fucking hate tennis. Wow.

And he married Steffi Graf, who was like, you know, one of the best female players of all time. Oh, that's right. That's got to be awesome. And he was in love with her for years. Whoa. That's like prior marrying Joan Rivers, you know? It's crazy. Yeah, but no, it's so good. The book is, I couldn't put it down, man. I got a rec book. Please. Blood Meridian.

Yeah, I've heard that's great. Man. Who wrote that again? Fucking Oppenheimer De La Renta. Fuck, I can't remember his name. Blood Marine. What about gang? Cormac McCarthy. Cormac McCarthy. Yeah, he did No Country for All Men. Yes. Which I tried to read, but then if you see the movie first, I know everything that's about to happen, and I'm picturing the actors they hired, so I think you can't go that way. You've got to read the book before the movie. Yeah, you've got to read it. But Blood Marine, they've tried to make a movie out of it a few times, but it's too good. You can't fucking do it, and...

It's cursed because every time they've tried, something's gone wrong. It's incredible book. Bookmarking this. I want to remember this. Yeah, Blood Meridian. It's like the most violent, dark, fucked up book. You'd love it. How's the violence on paper? It's there, man. Yeah, it's disturbing. Oh. Yeah, I recommend that one. Pick it up, dude. Yeah.

He also wrote The Road, which is a good movie. Great movie. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Never saw that. Vincent De La Foria. No, Vincent Price. No, D'Onofrio. No. Oh, shit. Oh, here's another wreck I got. When you're trying to think of something, don't Google it. Give yourself a couple minutes and see. I'll get it. I'll get it. That's good. I'll get it. And then you'll get it. History of violence. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got Morton?

Vito Mortensen. We didn't Google. Dude, uh, Vincent Price. I just watched a movie. He's in he great actor from the forties. You know, he was the guy in the Michael Jackson video too. Yeah, that's right. Bless you. That was, that was adorable. That was like the cutest sneeze I've ever seen. He's the guy who goes, boy, I'm coming in the beginning of thriller. He's like, come now, then suck my cock, whatever. Yeah, dude, he's, uh, I watched this movie with, uh,

Called uh fuck saver from heaven. It's with gene tyranny Really? Oh my god. What the fuck dog. I'm trying to keep it low and go when I don't want to run. I was crazy Strangle a fucking bird Savor from heaven yeah gene tyranny was like the hottest chick. Oh really you know you're a noir guy you know She's in a movie called Laura. It's like one of the best noirs of all time huh, but Vincent Price is a net with her too and

but he's in this one called savor from heaven. And it's fucking, it's basically fatal attraction before fatal attraction where he meets this gorgeous woman on it. I mean, Leah, pull a picture. He met her on Tinder. He meets her on a train and he's like, she's so hot. Ends up marrying her. She's furious. Anytime there's anyone else in the picture, crazy jealous. He's got a brother who's disabled and she like hates the brother for just being there. Wow. So I'm not, I won't give too much away, but it's fucking hilarious. It's,

Oh, she's hot. Yeah, she was a fucking fox, dude. Hotchie muchie. Now, is she related to Moira tyranny? No. Okay. Hey, here's a random thing. Do you guys notice, like, if you watch Cheers or something, everybody looked a lot older in the 80s that was 40 years old. Why? No doubt about it. Why is that? Well... Is it they smoked on planes and things were... They didn't know about health? I think people were rougher. There wasn't as much health stuff going around. No one was, like, vegan or gluten-free. Vegan Mortensen. Yeah. Yeah.

Once you live longer, I think you just kind of like, you just kind of like, well, I got to stay. Once the life expectancy moves further up, you're kind of like, I got to get this shit tight. I got to stay together. But it's just weird how everyone looked old. And do you think there was like really hot girls back in like barbarian days? And would they just get like,

kidnapped and raped to death like what happened hot girls back look at like wilford brimley pull up a picture of wilford brimley that guy was like in his 40s and he looked like he was 87 well they always show him versus like stop cruise yeah he's 22 right there but when he's like young yeah pull up young wilford brimley he's still he was never young never a kid no

Look at that. Wow. I see Paul Rudd. They got him next to Paul Rudd. That's not fair. They're the same age. Was he in Cocoon? Tim Walls and fucking Brad Pitt. I'm like, put anyone next to Brad Pitt. That's true.

Oh, Cocoon was about them staying young, right? Jesus! See, you're 50. I know, I don't get it. That's crazy. You look good, man. I feel good. What do you do to stay looking so... No wife, no kids. That'll do it. Yeah. I sleep alone. He's 51 in Cocoon? Wow. What? No way. That's hilarious.

No one ever checked in on him? Like, maybe this guy's got some problems with health? He looks rough. You know, I'm really obsessed with Chris Elliott, Get a Life. Remember that show? Oh, sure. And he plays a 30-year-old paper boy who lives with his parents, and it's his real dad in the show. But he's 30, and he's, like, bald and old, but he's 30!

I know. That's my rec. That show. They're all on YouTube. It holds up. It's so fucking funny. It was such a weird experimental random comedy. Like, it's fucking brilliant, man. He's the best. Shit. Speaking of recs, I got to give a hard rec, dude. Incoming on Netflix. Oh, yeah. The Cernan brothers wrote a new movie on Netflix called Incoming. It's...

Like super bad level funny. Really? Wow. It's just an airtight... Have you not watched it yet? I haven't seen it yet. I haven't even heard of it. Dude, it's so funny. Really? I feel weird watching kids. It's fucking... You'll get over it in a sec. Really? Because it's written by adults. That's true. And it's...

Just a bunch of freshmen who were terrified of being freshmen in high school. That was the most awkward time. It's just fucking killer. All right. It's hilarious and it's got heart. It's great. All right. I'm going to watch it. Watch it, dude. Okay. We had the Churning Brothers on the pod who wrote it. Yes.

I feel bad I didn't watch it before it came out, but I don't feel as bad that Mark hasn't even seen it yet. You should watch it. It's really great. All right. I can't wait. And they read our script and liked it. Oh, yeah. Who read it? Netflix did? No. These churning brothers, the guy who wrote this. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'll check it out.

Check it out. It's so good. But yeah, there's an Instagram account called Kids in the 80s, and it's high school kids, and they all look like they're 71. It's fucking weird, man. I don't get it. It wasn't that long ago. I don't understand what happened. So we're getting better looking. Look at J-Lo. I guess so.

Yeah. Oh, they just got divorced again, huh? Didn't she just get divorced again? I can't keep up. She's like 54. Yeah. Yeah. Is she? Yeah, but you know what? She's like sucking the souls of people. Oh, yeah. That's how she stays young. 100%. Because she does not look happy ever. No. No. No, and neither does Affleck. Does she laugh?

I think she could laugh. She's a New Yorker. She might laugh. There she is laughing. There you go. Jenny from L.A. But you know what I mean? Don't trust someone who doesn't laugh. That's such a weird thing. But she's laughing at like sucking someone's soul. Yeah. That's not a real laugh. Yeah. And no one is allowed to look her in the eye. So maybe that keeps you. No way. Like a barista with me. Yeah. That's on a writer. Is that a real thing? That's out there. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't look at me. No, that's a real thing. I've heard it. Certain actors, you can't look at them. I want to put that on my writer. Fuck it. I like it.

Geez. Eye contact. Too intense. I think that's when you lost it. When you're drinking your own Kool-Aid, when you can't have people look at you, get over yourself. Right? I mean, what the fuck are we talking about? Yeah. I mean. What's that old, what did Bill Burr had a thing where he's some, one of his favorite rock stars puts a hood up and that means don't talk to me. And then, hey, if the hood's down, I'm willing to socialize.

What's his take on that? He said it's a good move because you don't have to look like a dick. You know, if you're like, I can't talk right now, I'm going to go in my room and lock the door. But if you've got the hood up, everybody just goes, ah, he needs a minute. He's an introvert. What if you're in the KKK? Ooh.

I was trying to think of a joke that you got. Yeah. And another thing, if the TV is in front of me like this whole show, I'm just looking at the TV. I'm the only child who grew up with TV as my best friend. I'm just like, oh, I can't. I got it. You guys are humans dog in front of me. No, I'm not looking at the fucking TV. Oh, I do that with a bar. You ever on a date? It's impossible to not look at the fuck. Oh, here's a peeve. Okay. Try to interrupt.

Commercials are so loud and they're legally allowed to make the commercial louder so they know if you go to take a piss in the bathroom, you're going to hear the commercial. So commercials are like a few octaves louder than the show you're watching. I hate that. So I remember growing up, my dad would always mute the commercials. So I do that as a habit. And I'll notice people do like, what are you muting it for? I'm like, what do you need? Do you need to hear the commercial? Right. Like we don't need to fill our brains with a fucking loud ad. You're right. It's so annoying. That's a good P. Good P. Yeah, they do that. That's...

Wreck and a peeve. Mute it, and it's a peeve. And I used to watch TV to go to bed when I was a kid. Oh, my God. Still, I can't. Yeah, it's like the podcast. I need to have something on. What's a comfort go-to-bed show for you? Oh, um...

Oh man, that's a good question. Some of you don't have to pay attention to like, uh, my comfort movie, my favorite movie that, that I just love, uh, is midnight run. It's something that movie is the perfect movie. And it's the only thing it doesn't have is a love story, but there's a seven minute scene in the middle of the movie where he has to go borrow money from his ex wife and his daughter's there. And it's the most moving scene, heartbreaking. And it's, uh, I think it's De Niro's funniest role. Yeah. Um,

him and groden together it's the perfect movie man i agree and wow so good it's so good road list used to say that doing the road with me was like midnight run we would just fucking beat each other throats yeah but uh great movie i gotta rewatch i haven't seen it it's marty breast it's pretty fantastic it's like a perfect movie and all the cameos are like every character actor in it like

Fucking Dennis Farina and Ashley. Oh, wow. What's his name from The Sopranos? Joe Pantoliano. He's such a good scumbag. Joey Pants. He's great. I love Roden. Was he a comic? Where did he come from? He wasn't a comic. I think he was like a theater actor. Oh, okay. In that Gene Wilder documentary, there's like a whole thing on him. He was mean to Gene Wilder.

Tell him he'd never make it because he had an ugly face and he made him work harder. Well, you're going into comedy. You could be ugly. Exactly. Come on.

Yeah, that's a great movie. That's my comfort background movie that I could just have on. That's a good one. Yeah. All right, I got a peeve for you. Please. Now, I was just in Martha's Vineyard with the lady, so it's a lot of lady time. Was it good overall? It was great. It was great. We had a great time. You can't not have fun there. The beach all day, drinks at night, the food, the shrimp, the oysters. You know, it's great. That's perfect. Perfect. Where do you stay when you're there? We get like a little hotel right on the beach. Oak Bluffs.

That's nice. It's great. And her sister's there with their kids, so they have a pool so you can pop in on that, do a little barbecue, jump in the pool, poke the kids, and then get the hell out. But...

This is my... My wife will do this one. We'll walk by. We'll be like, hey, we're going to go get lunch. Let's go get lunch. And we'll walk by a restaurant. She'll go, you want to go here or you want to go somewhere else? And I'm like, well, I guess we're going here now. Those are the options already. We can go here or we can go anywhere else. But you're pointing to here. So obviously, I'm like, just tell me you want to go here. You want to suck my dick or do something else? Yeah, exactly. She wanted to do something else. But...

But yeah, so it drove me crazy. I was like, just say you want to go here. She's like, I don't care. Well, you pointed this one out out of all the thousand restaurants. So just say it. Just own it. You know what I love to do when you're debating what to order with the lady? I was like, give me three types of foods. There's

40 different types of food. Yeah. So easy. Give me three. And she can now, I'm like, all right, I'll give you three. What do you mean? Like Asian, like sushi, Indian, sushi, pizza, fucking three. Yeah. And I'll, and I'm, I'm good with it.

But you got to give me three. Yeah. He can't give you three? Sometimes. That's crazy. Usually I have to give the three and then she'll get that one. I'm like, all right. That's the problem with like the Cheesecake Factory. It's too many options. Give me eight options. I'll pick something. I'm going to overwinter. That's why they say, too, I don't know how to parent. I don't have kids. But they say that you should never ask your kids, like, where do you want to eat? It gives them anxiety. You're supposed to tell them where we're going to eat here. If you ask a kid, they just start getting scrambling. And then at the casino, they're doing coke sucking dick.

Yeah. That's how I started. Yep. I'd say Cheesecake Factory. It's like- It's too many options. What are we doing? You're like, how does an omelet have 3,600 calories? I know, right? It's crazy. Oh, they say the calories on there? Oh, I hate that. You have to. But everyone in there is fat as shit, so you're fucked if you're in there. If you're in there, you're getting fat. Why is it called the Cheese- Do they have a factory that makes cheesecakes? It's the last factory in America. Mm-hmm.

They're all going away. Let me grab my phone. I got a couple of recs. Oh, you see? He's addicted. Yeah. He can't stop. That's why I wrote him down. I'm just kidding. I got to show you something else. I'll send it to you if you could throw it on if you want. Fuck. Fuck.

All right. I got some wrecks and peeves. You want to do wrecks or you want to do something else? Oh, yeah. Let's see. I already gave like four wrecks today. You guys do the wrecks. Oh, I don't know why this bothers me. You ever accidentally call someone and you're like, no, because then they see you called and then they call you. Yes. And you pocket dial and it just, oh, I'm going to kill myself. It's hard to pocket dial now with the iPhone. It happens. But it happens. Yeah. It happens. Or I wrote this loud commercials. And you ever in a taxi or an Uber and the guy's blaring commercials? Oh.

What are we doing? You don't hear this? The taxi, I'm loyal to the taxis here, but there are so many problems. In a world with no ratings, it's madness. It's madness. They've not been called, it's literally like, they're like single people. They haven't been called on their shit. Yes. So they're just like, I'm going to behave horribly. Meanwhile, the Uber people, they've been raided, but I'm still loyal to the cabs. Yeah, you love the cabs. I'm a New York guy that got

done dirty it's fucked up but you go in there and it smells like shit half the time and then I ride back from JFK and you're like oh fuck it's like 90 minutes and he's just on the phone like ah la ba la ba I just like yell at him like you don't have to yell at him I know I know who's on the other end just some guy like no he's doing the same thing yeah that's true they're just screaming back and forth is it they're never like yeah yeah I did this that's true it's never once never that this one's whisper it's always at an 11 look at the recs

Get a life. Hey, nice. You did it. Get a life. You're one of the few that come prepped. We don't have to even prompt. Yeah. Yeah, but along with the butt dial, you ever done this one? I'm on Instagram, and sometimes a little notification will pop down. Oh, my God. So I'm like, hold on. Yep. So I'm like, oh, how about that? And you click on it, and it's actually Godfrey's doing a live video right now. And you're like, oh, shit, I don't want to be in Godfrey's live video. Yeah.

I don't want to watch Godfrey work out and talk to the camera. And so you have to like click out, click out. But he probably saw you coming in. He's saying, hey, Mark. Yeah. Mark, you're staying right here. Watch me do Cosby, motherfucker. And I like Godfrey, but I don't want to watch somebody's private video or whatever. He is hilarious. He's a great guest on here, too. Great guest. He's so fucking fun. He is fun. Do people still go live on Instagram? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I do it like once a year. If I'm like, I'm like, I've got a special come out. I'm like, Hey guys, watch my special. Yeah. Oh, congrats on the special man. It fucking came out. Great. Thanks dude. Love it. You've changed. Wasn't trying to do that, but I mean, it was, uh, yeah, that was, it just looked so good too, man. The suit, the set. I mean, it was sexy.

Tan France. Thank you, buddy. That suit was his idea. Oh, really? Was that your boy that directed it? No, that's my friend James Webb. But no, Tan France is from Queer Eye and he...

He was like, I was like, what suit do I wear? And he's like, oh, nice. That was smart. You have to get it tailored to fit perfectly. That's smart. It's like having a card counter in Vegas. You got a gay fashion guy helping you. The gay fashion guy. The guy. Yeah, because wearing a suit, don't you feel different when you wear a suit? Like I know to walk different. I feel more like there's like a swagger and a confidence. You what? I did a gig in Vegas like a few weeks before. And I was like, let me throw a suit on so it doesn't feel weird because it's, you know.

I can't keep telling, yeah. All right. I'm not just going to keep telling the story when I see what's coming. Couldn't get it out. I had to do the weird not shit. Like the end of New Jack City. He's like, fuck you, man. I was doing a lot of dial gauging down there. Like, don't open it up too much, but keep it closed so it makes a noise. You ever notice how when you're almost home, your body knows you're going to take a shit soon? That's fascinating. Oh, my God. Your body knows as the keys open. It's like you're a full 90s comic there. You ever notice? Yeah.

It's not just about to be home. I was on a Zoom podcast the other day. I'm doing my friend's Zoom pod, and I felt the shit coming on. I'm like, shit, just please wrap it up. It's been over an hour. I think he's going to wrap it up. And just as we're about to wrap up, he's like, well, if you want to plug anything. I'm like, oh, great. The shit's about to come. I'm going to plug my ass. Plug my ass. But then it just turns into another five minutes, another five minutes, and my body's like, dude. It's like your body's like, dude, come on. Yeah.

Wrap it up. Right, yeah. Enough fucking talking. Yeah, yeah. But nothing better when your ass hits that seat. It just, whoo, full fire hose. That's one of the best feelings, and one of the best feelings is when you first get in a hotel room, whip off those pants. Yes. Yeah, I get a pod going on the sink, and I'm just shitting like a toddler. Oh, yeah. What'd they say? So I got the, what's it called, the epidemiology, what's it called when they check your butthole? Etymology. Etymology.

Oh, it's called a rhododendron when they check your asshole. Is that what that's called? No, there's a word for it when you go to get your colonoscopy. There it is. Damn, that was like, I think I was going to nail that. Yeah. And you're the youngest. Yeah, there's a rec, go get a colon or go get your ass checked. How is that? You're supposed to do it at 50, but now they say 45.

You want to make sure you don't have any problems down there. It used to be 40, so it keeps up. Oh, I thought it was 50, and it went down to 45. Oh, I don't know. Either way, if you're in your 40s, there's a wreck. Go check your butthole. There you go. Wait, there was a point of what I was just saying. Shitting at the hotel room. It feels good to shit. Check your ass. There's a wreck. Check your ass. Etymology.

Oh, man. There was something. Colonoscopy. This beer is pretty good. I haven't had a beer in a while. It's a good beer. Whoever picked these, good job. Yeah, man. Thank you, dude. No, no. I got to do two shows tonight in Jersey. Oh, where in Jersey? Stress Factory. Stretch Factory? Stress. Oh. I am working out. I'm trying to get my... Wait. Oh, man. I had a good thing about the butthole. Anyway, I'll think of it when I leave here. Milk in the prostate? Uh.

I learned about that from Road Trip. So did I. I was like a 13-year-old kid in the movie theater, like, a woman's finger has to go up your ass? I know, and I was like, oh, good to know. I'll try this tonight. I rent a place in L.A. from my buddy, and he has the Japanese toilet seats. Those are warm. And at first, your instinct is, oh, this is warm. Someone just took a shit here. You're like, oh, no, it's heated.

And, man, is that a whole other level of luxury. I had the same feeling at Grand Central. I was like, this is heated. Here's the rec. Here's the rec.

My doctor told me. You got it back? I got it back. He said, don't bring your phone into the bathroom when you take a shit. Because when you're sitting on the toilet, if you're wasting time on your phone, that's what causes hemorrhoids is your body sitting there. So don't just sit there on your phone because you'll sit there for eight times longer than you would if you just went in there to drop a deuce without your phone. So don't bring your phone in the bathroom. You'll get in and out quicker than sitting there doomspun. How about a book? Same shit.

I guess. Same thing. I got a book in there, too. I'll mix it up. Yeah. Just like, limit your time sitting there because your body. I do like interview books, like in the bathroom, and you just read a passage. Interview books? Yeah, like an interview. I brought in the Cheesecake Factory menu. I got six Emeroids. Doesn't problem. Very nice. Yeah.

Well, remember as a kid, I was reading Ajax. I had the, you know, the, the, like the scrub shit, Mr. Bubbles. I'm just reading anything. It's just so boring shitting. I remember I was, yeah, I was taking a Uber over here from Brooklyn and I was like on my phone. I'm like, just look out the window. And then I'm like, just enjoy the view. And I'm like, I look out, it's like industrial, but there's no view to enjoy. But I'm like, well, you used to just look out the window and like,

ponder and have a thought and come up with something instead of just feeding your brain. Like, you will create a thought instead of mindless scroll. But then it's the great debate of, like, did I think of more shit when I was just wandering out the window? Or do I think of more shit because I'm being stabilized by the Gaza, by porn, by fistfights, by animal attacks? Who knows? Gaza strip club. There you go. Yeah. They were wearing full burkas. It was a bummer. Oh.

Anything else in the works? Any movies that you're coming up that you're pumped about? Let's see. Yeah, no auditioning. You got any audition tips, by the way? Oh, I got a good note that I got from Zoe. I'm here shooting Poker Face, which is a good show. So I'm shooting that. Natasha Lyonne. Yeah, Natasha Lyonne. But Zoe Kravitz gave me a really good note. I was on set doing our... Yeah, man. All right, that was the last one. I need to lean my way with you.

I think it's going to be Sophie's choice there. I hit him last time. So Zoe said to me, I kept wanting to add stuff in the scene. I'd be like, hey, in this one, can I...

you know, what if I did this? I'm always wanting to make a meal out of it. Just, and she, one day she goes, Simon, you're enough. Ooh. And it was like, oh shit. It was like one of those light bulb moments. I don't need to add a fucking like stick to every scene. She's like, you're enough. Just do the line. Mark, did you hear that one? You don't have to fart every two minutes. You're enough, buddy. It's never not funny. Uh,

But she was right, and it was like, oh, my God, that's that simple. She's right. What a good note. And since she told me that, that's kind of been my mantra when I'm shooting something. It's like, you're enough, dude. You don't got to, especially, like, it ain't theater where you got to do some loud, big performance for the last row. The fucking camera's so tight on your face, you don't got to do a lot, and your instinct is to act and perform. And it's taken me 25 years of doing this shit to be at a place where I can just relax and not act.

Right. I know it sounds pretentious, but it's true. My advice is don't act. Like, just be normal, but that's not easy to do. No. That takes a lot of time. Just imagine for you guys doing stand-up, how long it took for you guys to be relaxed and just do the jokes and not be tight and, you know what I mean? Like, just fucking relax. Oh, sure, sure. Listen to one of your specials names, Don't Be Yourself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's a good one.

Just a good motto. You're enough. Exactly. And in anything, having dinner, I don't know, I think I feel the need to entertain and perform and people please. And it's like, dude, just relax. Yeah. Yeah.

So that was a good note that she gave me. A very good note. Yeah. Thanks, Zoe. Just you're enough. That's heavy. I know. It was like kind of deep. It was like. Because I have the same thing. I always think I got to be on and do this. And then you'll watch some guy. I'm like, that guy's never on. But he's enough. Yeah. I still like him here. Yeah.

Yeah. That's good advice. Like if the joke's good, you don't got to do too much. No, no. Is that called act outs? Is that a thing? Is that taboo in comedy to do an act out? No. I mean, Pryor did a lot of act outs. Yeah. I think if the joke calls for it. Yeah. I guess it depends on the comic. Yeah. I think like comics, we're snobs. We want a good joke. Like Stephen Wright ain't doing an act out. No. No, because the jokes are good enough. Yeah. But you know, there's some great act out guys. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just want the writing to be enough. Yeah.

Right. But it's another gear, man. Burr will do act outs. That helicopter story. Yeah, I mean, and we do it sometimes. Yeah, yeah. This is about as far as I'll go. So I was digging the other day. That's something. That's an act out.

I've got some longer stories in my last couple hours so it's like I'll I'll do I'm not like physical but I'll do like a little act out yeah yeah yeah yeah man but I saw you do a set at the cellar I came to see recently you literally I was watching and you literally leaned against the wall with one foot up and it looked like you were like in high school just hanging with the boys and it made the set so interesting and you were doing nothing it was like you being relaxed made it

more I can't explain it man it's just like being too wound up is like the enemy of anything of the energy of it if you're relaxed

I think the audience will be more relaxed and things will come up and you're not tight, you know, and you're, your body was so chill. You were just like, whatever I could be here. I can not be here. And it was, uh, more interesting to watch. Well, it's like, you know, when the crowd's small, it's like, uh, you kind of play to that small energy. So it's like, if it's like 80 people, I kind of play, but if I'm in a bigger venue, I'll kind of up it a little bit. I kind of, I kind of Matt try to match their energy, but yeah, they were like, I was doing new shit. A lot of it was, was nothing, but, uh,

But as long as you leave with a few, you're like, all right, I'm fucking... Same with an orgy. One lady versus ten people, you're going to bring a different energy. That's true. Yeah. If there's like six people there, you probably have to be like, are you good? And I'll jerk you off for a second. I'll fucking work the room a little and act out. But to your point...

You ever seen UFC fighters? Like the relaxed guy, you know, he's just kind of like this and he's like looking at the other guys. Yeah. That guy always loses. The guy who comes out who's relaxed is scarier than the guy who's like, ah! Yeah, that's not natural to who we are at this point. Like, you know, if I were doing that, it would be not

me it would be right putting it on right like if i'm me that's the energy that's right and it's it just feels more honest to them i think and they probably feel more comfortable they're always not like putting something on right yeah you're always putting something on but i feel like or if your stick is like sam kinnison where you're running around yelling i guess that's different but

that's a different animal. But I bet you dialed it back in a small venue. Probably. And that's another thing. I relate to you guys because I've heard, I think you talk about like if you're performing at the Garden or something, that's the dream. But man, when the first row, the person's 30 feet away from you, how not intimate that is, it's a different room. You would think it's better, but I prefer a little room. When I was doing my music thing for Dirt Nasty, I wanted a little dive bar. And if it was like a big place where the crowd was removed from you and you can't,

It didn't feel as magic. You weren't connected or something. I know. Smaller rooms. Yeah. But you got to do the big ones too. Yeah, you do what you can. You do everything. You guys both did the garden? No, I've never done MSG. Did you do the garden? I've only opened for people there. But you did the garden. Technically did the garden. A couple times, yeah. What's the biggest one you've done?

Like arena? My own or just open? Yeah, anything. Yeah, perform that. You know, we both did a bunch of arenas with Amy back in the day. I did a bunch of Sandler's arena shows. Burt? We did the Burt. Yeah, we've done a lot of big arena shows, but...

For biggest one, like, on our own, you know, I think probably, like, somewhat similar. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Like, MSG Theater was probably the biggest I've done on my own. You guys listen to that? I'm sorry. No, no, I was just gonna say, is it hard? There's that many people. I don't know why that seems like it'd be harder for comedy for some reason, like...

Too many people. Oh, and it's way harder. It's weird. Because the comedy's all about a conversation and connecting. That's right. And now it's so much easier to lose people. And also your style becomes more of that, I think, the more you do it. So I think my broadest hour is my first hour, honestly. Mm.

It had to be. Don't you feel that way too about you? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, you had to be broad because no one knew who you were. So you had to appeal to everybody. If you're bombing a corporate, don't you find yourself going back to like that? Yeah. Yeah. I do it too. It's the old shit. You're kind of just trying to tread water and you're like, this shit killed in America has got talent.

Right. Let me fucking bring out this fucking safe one for the corporate one so I don't totally die. Yeah. Great point. Yeah, it's like I remember going to see the Stones and they're like, we're going to do a new song and no one cared. They want the old shit. Give us the old shit. Well, it's funny how rock and roll or music is the opposite.

You know, in the beginning, they're playing their niche, cool punk songs. And everybody goes, they sold out, man. They went mainstream. Whereas comics are mainstream in the beginning just to get some traction. And then you can become you. Yeah, but Billy Joel gets so much love for putting out like one new song in 30 years. Ah, it must be nice. And I like the song. I thought it was good. But it's also like, man, he's also got such a crazy catalog that like, of course, you just want to hear that stuff live. You're like, I want my, that's a pricey ticket.

You want to hear Vienna and Piano Man and, you know, We Didn't Start the Fire, all that stuff. Cadillac, you ought to know. So Vince Vaughn, you're a good singer. Vince Vaughn performs Vienna in the movie we did, Easy's Waltz. He plays a lounge singer, and he went and took singing lessons. So he plays like this kind of, you know, alcoholic lounge singer, and he performed Vienna, and he kind of does a lounge version of all these songs.

And I didn't even know that was, whose song was it? Billy Joel. Yeah, so it's really cool when you watch the movie. Vince is performing. Yeah, he's actually singing. And can he sing? Yes, and it's his voice. It's obviously his voice. He has a cool voice. He's got his deep Vince Vaughn thing, and he's just kind of throwing it away. Speaking of throwing it away, he's just lounge singing, and it's just so cool. How did he train for that? He went to singing lessons. Can a singing teacher take you from like,

to here or can they get here to here? Like, what do they take? It's a good question. I bet. I don't know. I mean, I guess I think he went from zero to something cause he had never sang before, but, uh, he just has a cool voice. Yeah. He has a cool voice. And, uh, yeah, I can't imagine him singing. Okay. Okay. I can't even do Vince Vaughn, but yeah, so it has such a distinct style of, do you think like my point is you think a singing coach could make it so Mark and I have a decent singing voice. See, I think you, you,

Whitney Houston was born with that voice. That's what I mean. I think you either got it or you don't, and you can probably get better. But it's like going to, I said this before, I don't know if I said it here, but like going to like, I remember going to a comedy class here in New York, and I was like, none of these people are funny. They're not going to learn to be funny. That's true. It's in you. You can learn the math of a joke a little bit, but you can't, funny is funny. It's like a rhythm. It is music. Maybe like, but like Shatner doesn't have a great voice. He just is like, that's me. Right. Right, right. Whitney Houston had pipes.

too bad no drain all right i'll tell you all right you're all right he took a bath on that one okay did she die in the bath yeah i thought that's what we were doing what the hell died in bed bath and beyond tragedy i've told this story before but i remember the night she died i was uh

playing this club in Knoxville opening for a guy side splitters yeah back in the day and it was the same night Jeremy Lin went for 38 against the Lakers every tweet was just Lin Sanity and someone tweeted Whitney Houston died that's Lin Sane oh my god yeah that Lin Sanity was nuts he just was like a one month phenomenon it was unbelievable it was Asian hype yeah

That was cool. Asian sensation. Yeah, you guys got a good team now. The Knicks, you guys got something to be excited about. My Warriors are done. It's time for a new... Yeah, but Steph in the Olympics was fucking... That was crazy. That just added to his legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing. He's a badass. He's a bad man. What, they were talking shit, so they stepped it up? I missed the beginning. Well, he... I mean, he... I think, you know, against...

Jokic was Serbia, right? Was that the last? Was that the final one? Second to last. Second to last. He was at the free throw line talking a lot of shit. Oh. Wow. You never see Steph because he is so competitive. But he's got that baby face. You don't see him like that. The baby faced assassin. That's right. But he's talking all this shit at the free throw line. Hit both of them. Iced the game. Yeah.

But then that last game, he just, four in a row, they were all insane. The all-contested shots, unbelievable. And it's that crazy shot of LeBron and Durant just open, and he's just like, fuck it. He drains it. Like, wow. I watched the montage, and it put classic music behind it, and they made it in slow motion. It was beautiful. He's phenomenal. Yeah. He's good for the sport, man. Beautiful eyes. Is he fixed? Yeah.

Yeah, his mom is mixed and his dad is black. Oh, so the mom is already mixed, pre-mixed. Pre-mixed. Got it. So he's like a three-quarter mixie. Can we pull up the parents? I want to do a little eugenics here. Etymology. Etymology.

Brown noise. Mom is an attractive woman. Whoa. Yeah. Hotmom.com. Now, you guys, was it, I remember seeing the draft when you guys didn't pick Steph Curry and all the- No, no, no. Oh, no. He went to pick before. He went before, but there was something that happened. I saw the fans ripping their jerseys off and stepping on them because they, or maybe that was the year. You guys passed on someone one year and they were pissed that it wasn't like- That one wasn't our fault. I mean-

The T-Wolves drafted two point guards before him. He went like seventh. Yep. And the Timberwolves took two point guards ahead of him. Unbelievable. Steph Curry. Wow. I don't think anybody knew he'd be that, I mean. Yeah. But he was fucking awesome in college. He was just at a tiny, he was a Davidson. Like, you don't know. Like a division three. Joe Zimmerman knew him in college. Yeah, really? Yeah, Joe played golf in college. What? Yeah. Did you see him hit that hole in one? That was pretty cool. He hit a hole in one on TV in a tournament. Yeah, he's just a freak athlete. He's a freak. He could probably retire basketball and be a pro golfer if he wanted. Yeah. Really?

Probably. He's that good at sports. I mean, he's...

Man. What is it? The basketball people love golf, it seems. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking of Jordan. Putting the ball in the hole, baby. I think they do, man. I think they love golf. You ever notice, too, people always want to be something else? I'm sure you guys get it. A lot of people want to be comics, or a lot of rappers want to be actors, or a lot of actors want to be... Everyone wants to be something else. That's true. Not me. I like being a comic and a white male. No, I'm kidding.

Life is good, man. Yeah. People always say comics want to be rock stars. I'm like, I don't want to be a rock star. Some douche with tight leather pants on and long hair. Yeah, I don't want to take myself seriously. Yeah. Yeah. I like that I had to fall back on.

yeah what am i uh i'm gonna be steven tyler out there with no thank you yeah i like sitting at a bar telling a joke and making fun of fat people yeah that's a superpower is uh i think not taking yourself too seriously i heard pta paul thomas anderson i sound like a name dropper but he said this he's awesome uh

He said, I don't take myself seriously, but I take my work very seriously. There you go. And that's it. I think that's the formula. There's that famous quote, I think it's Gustave Flaubert said, be violent in your work and ordinary in your life. Yeah. That's a good one. Chris Brown was the opposite.

Damn. I like that a lot. Yeah, it's good. Be violent in your work. I just rewatched Magnolia. Fuck, it's good, man. Yeah, it's good. Oh, so good. He doesn't miss, man. But that whole character thing of Philip Baker Hall is like, did you fuck our daughter? And he's like, I don't remember. What is this, a Tim Robinson sketch? Ah.

I don't know. I don't know if I fucked a kid. What's his name in that? It's so likable. Oh, the tall guy for the comedy guy. John C. Reilly. Nazi Reilly? John C. Reilly. Oh, Nazi Reilly. He's awesome in it. Yeah, he's great in it.

And I don't like I don't love what they did with the ending, but the movie is incredible. Like, it's beautiful. And it's like Cruise is off. And the energy of the movie is like insane. Yeah. Yes. So it zooms in the music and like the cutting, all these is like clearly influenced by like Robert Altman. Yeah. Yeah. Like bam, bam, bam. Yeah. Yeah. Happened at once. Boogie Nights did that, too. He did a lot of this. I like that one better.

Boogie Nights is fucking phenomenal. Yeah, what's his best movie? What's P.T.'s best movie? Boogie Nights, for sure. Boogie Nights, for sure. Phenomenal. That's his first one. That's one of the best movies ever. It's fucking incredible. Great movie. Mark Wahlberg's best. I just don't think you can top that.

Yeah, I don't think so either. But he's made some other great shit too. Oh yeah, Punch Drunk. That was good. Punch Drunk was really good. The Whoopi Blood was good. Oh, that's my favorite. The Whoopi Blood was really good. Over Boogie Nights. Yeah, I just love that movie. But I saw Inherent Vice on a date and boy, was that a shit show. Like not a good movie? No, no, just boring.

and the date wasn't going great. I made a move. I got shut down. You're not re-watching There Will Be Blood like you're re-watching. Yeah, exactly. It's funny you say that because I always see it. I'm like, I want to watch it, but it's a hard watch. It's brutal, but it's still kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, Boogie Nights, not There Will Be Blood. Yeah, that's not fun at all. But man, what a movie. Saw that in the theater as well. How about Tom Cruise and those tighty-whities looking pretty good, huh? Man.

He's doing a movie I heard in outer space. Can we look this up? He's doing a movie in outer space, truly in orbit. He's just trying to kill himself. No, I know. At this point, he's just like, how am I going to kill myself? Well, he jumped off the cliff in that one movie for real, right? Oh, yeah. But I think he's doing a movie in outer space and he had to learn how to load the camera in outer space weightless because it's just him and the director in orbit shooting a movie. Wow.

And it's just the two of them. And I'm like, dude, he's the best movie star of all time. If you really go to outer space and do a movie, just you and the director, how do you top that? But just be gay already. You got to do all this stuff to prove it. Yeah. It's so much easier to suck a cock. I know. Learn this outer space stuff. This is crazy. You'll be in your right. Oh, is it? Maybe. Is this it?

Wait, what does he say? Do you think he's definitely gay? I think he's got... Yeah, I think he's hiding something. I mean, he's a Scientologist for all these years. Something's up. Yeah, something's going on. But look, I'm glad to have him as an actor. He is a great movie star. Great movie. He's the movie star. He's the movie star. There's not that many left. Yeah, Top Gun...

You know he wouldn't take his Taiwan patch off on Top Gun? And China's like, we're not going to take the movie if you don't take that patch off. And he goes, leave it. So they probably lost out on billions of dollars selling it to China. But he wanted to keep the patch. Wow. Patch Adams. Patch Adams.

That's so stupid. I love it. It's good to be back, man. What are we doing? Nicotine patch. By the way, it's one of those things where you could just do, you know the technology they have in films? You can just shoot this and no one, you could just say you went to outer space and didn't go. Right. I know. I fucking know. Yeah. Gravity looked great. It's great. It won Oscars. It's almost fucked up. You're like costing some people work.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's just going to space. There's no crew out there. And there's no location scouting either. He's just in space. You don't have to pay for the building. Probably cheaper to go to space to shoot movies, to be honest. Now, how long do we get the first porno in space? Ooh. That's coming. The cum shot's going to be off. Just going to hang up there? Yeah. How do they go to the bathroom up there? Does it go out into space? I got the title. Black holes. All right.

Wait. A mission to Mars. Wait, a vacuum. Oh, it goes into the bathroom. Toilets. Final peeing and pooping. The bathrooms have thresholds to keep them. Oh, wow. It sucks them to the toilet so they don't float away. Wow. Oh, so they figured this out. Okay. Wow. I mean, you think these pilots. What was that? Boeing? Those two astronauts are stuck till 2025. You see that?

Wait, they're stuck in outer space? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Supposed to be an eight-day trip. That's eight months away, six months away. Yeah, but it's supposed to be an eight-day trip. Oh, fuck. They don't have enough food. The longest delay of all time. Stuck in space with just 96 hours of oxygen on a Boeing Starliner X-3. Holy shit. Are they going to die?

Hope so. That sounds great. Dude, I was on the phone with Delta yesterday just complaining about a flight. Yeah. And Anthony just sees me on the street because he was picking me up for a road gig. He's sitting on the street going, well, you better fucking figure it out. And I'm just holding Winnie. He looked like the fucking craziest angry person just screaming at someone on the phone. Does she get mad when you're mad? Is she like... She's always mad. Look at her. Yeah. I got to give a shout out to my buddy,

During the crowd strike, you remember that whole thing for a week where they were canceling every flight, every system went down. He got fucked. He was stuck in Iowa for two days because his flights got screwed up.

So he got a hotel. He had to get another flight. His flight home was three grand. So he's like, I'm getting money back from Delta. They're paying for all this. I'm like, good luck. He's like, watch me. That was like three weeks ago. He just got paid. So well done. Well done. Did it take him three weeks of calling every day? You have to do the complaints. It's a whole thing. They don't do complaints. I used to have a joke about this in an old special. We don't do complaints. It's a real thing. They don't. They have a complaint division that you can't call every day.

So you have to make an email and they just count on you tiring. Is this all airlines or just Delta? I think it's probably all airlines. Uber too. I'm a Delta guy. I like Delta now. Delta used to suck and now Delta's the jam. There are people getting raped in Ubers and Ubers like you can talk to a robot about. Yeah, right. I thought you were going to say there's people getting raped in Delta flights.

No, just on the fucking money. Yeah. The mileage. Comfort rape. When I came over here, actually, I took a cab or Uber from Brooklyn to my boy's place. And then I took the train up here because I'm luckily at a level of fame where I could be on the train. I don't know if I ever want to be like Pete Davidson or Paris Hilton or Charlie Sheen. They can't take the train. No. I like taking the train. I'm a perfect level.

And I came out of the train on 34th and Broadway and I just had a deja vu 30 years ago in 94 moving to New York on a one-way ticket on Tower Air. Wow. Tower Air and the belt buckle

I remember it was a Pan Am buckle, and my friend had like a TWA buckle on Tower Air, which was like $150 one way. Way better than Twin Tower Air. Yeah, right? In 94, and I just had to flashback, holy shit, 30 years ago. My first time, it was a snowstorm, and I came to New York on a one-way ticket. Wow.

And then I remember going to see, like, I'd go to the cellar. Sounds like the beginning of a country song. Bill Burr and Chappelle would be doing stand-up at the cellar for, like, 12 people at 1 in the morning. They were nobodies. Unreal. New York was special back then, man. I got to live here in the 90s. It still felt like the 80s. It was still, like, pre-Giuliani, Times Square, Pimps and Hookers. Really? Sex booths. Oh, man, New York was wild.

Whoa. I loved it. Yeah, Tower Air. Where are you coming from? San Francisco on a one-way fucking flight. Baby, were you nervous? I mean, that's a cross-country life change. Yeah, it was exciting. And I went and stayed at a friend of a friend's apartment. And we get there, and the friend was like, what, you brought your boys? And we moved to New York, and we're sleeping on the floor of some dude who didn't want us in his apartment. Oh, classic. This is before internet, cell phone. Then you just had to figure it out. Yeah.

And the rest is history. Here we are. Damn. 30 fucking years ago.

I remember when I first moved here, getting out of the cab. The cab was $45. I was staying at my mom's friends in Brooklyn for the first couple nights because I didn't know anyone or whatever. And she hated this too. You know, you're barging into someone's New York life. People in New York are already scraping by. And then I'm like, hey, I'm 22, here to do stand-up comedy. But whatever. So all I had was three 20s. And I remember giving it to the cabbie and I went...

It's 45. I got three 20s. He goes, all right, thank you. And I was like, huh? And he just took the money. And I was, that was out of money then. That was all I had. That was it. Yeah. Cause I worked. $15 tip. I worked at a restaurant. That's a fucking hilarious scene in the movie though. Yoink. Yoinked me. And I, he was like, well, you got a tip. But I was like, oh, I guess you got a tip. He could have given you a 10. It'd be nice.

It's a big tip. Give him a $15 tip. I was a hayseed. I was a rube. I was a southern tard. You could tell. Yeah, you could feel it on me. You weren't fucking overalls? A little straw in your mouth? I got the bag with the stick on it. Did you have an accent back then that you lost? No, I never had one. I grew up in the city, so we didn't really have one. We'd say y'all. Yeah. And we'd take our T-H's and do a D. How's your mom and them? Yeah.

That's a big New Orleans thing. Yeah, Louisiana, baby. Yeah. It got purchased. That's true. But then I moved to Crown Heights. Landlord died of AIDS. Yeah. Got mugged immediately. And I lived as a Jewish side, Hasidic Jew and a Caribbean black.

One big highway going down the middle. I lived on the black side. So all the black guys thought I was Jewish. They were like, you're on the wrong side, motherfucker. And I'm like, actually, they don't want me either. You could pass as a Jew. I could pass, but they were like orthodox. Yeah. Come to the dark side. They'd pull up in their minivan and be like, get in.

get in and i was like i'm not jewish they'd slide that door closed and have a nagila i still remember hannibal burr said that bit about uh how he didn't know what orthodox jewish people were so he's like he's like why don't these amish guys have blackberries so true they look amish very similar yeah i did a gig in lancaster you ever see the buggies the horse and buggy out there the amish people we're in in pennsylvania yeah yeah it's weird because they're at the wawa

And to them, Wawa's like a 7-Eleven. Yeah, but they could pay cash, right? Can they use card? I don't think so. Yeah, because how would you pay it? But you can see them in there. It's like Disneyland. They're like, oh my God, they got a fucking slushy machine. It's just this red glowing slush going on. Are they allowed to use the slushy machine? Oh, they were kids, so they were breaking the rules.

Or is it like, you know, Jews on Saturday, you have to have someone come over? And they're like, they'll turn on the lights. Yeah. Yeah. What's the holiday call where they allow one guy to come into their village and bang all the women? Rumspringer? I don't think it's that. That's where you leave. That's where you leave. Yeah, yeah. This is something else where, and I'm like, how do you get that job? Wait, wait. I'll go to an Amish town and fuck everybody. And you bang the women? Yeah, because that's all they bring. Have you seen the women, dude? I don't know, dude. It's definitely full of bush. Oh, yeah. It's got to be a hot one.

It's gotta be one. They don't have a Norelco down there. Yeah. That's fucking pretty bush. I've seen Witness. Oh, that was a good one. Was that a good one? Oh, it's a great movie. Great movie. I should check that one out. That's a great movie. Old school. No, I read about that one. I heard it's good. There's a day where you go in, they let like random dudes go in and plow all the butter churning whores. Sounds good. Oh, yeah. Oh, that beep I always hear on the pod, that's usually when it goes to a commercial that sounds like you're in a cave. Ha ha ha.

That was once because we weren't here. I do it on my phone. Everybody's like, that's fine. And then I get a million comments. What do you have? Recording that on a potato tin can. Yeah. What else? Anything else to plug Simon? Anything? She's not really, man. Just a blink twice is out now. Go check it out. Greedy people's out now. And movies are back. Movies are back, man. Go see a movie in the theater. It's such a fun thing to have a collective experience where you can't pause it and you can't, you know,

you gotta watch the whole fucking movie, man. Cause I know if I'm at home with the remote and my phone, Oh, this is interesting real quick. We could, uh, so I just learned this term secondary screens. Have you heard this?

So they're making content on streamers called secondary screens, meaning they know they can't compete with you on your phone at home, so they're making it dumbed down so you don't have to pay attention to the whole storyline. Therefore, the end of the art of making, because they know you're on your phone, so they just make it dumb so you don't have to pay attention every day. Just a guy yelling, oh, I'm getting shot right now. Oh, fuck. Right. Secondary screens, man. So yeah, put your phone away, go to a movie,

and enjoy it and have a collective experience. I got to go see the premiere of Blink Twice and people are yelling and cheering and it, man, it was great. I'm pumped. I can't wait to see it, man. Yeah, man, it came out great. It got certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. What are we looking at? Oh, 75. Oh, it went down to 78. It was yesterday. It was 80. I think 80 is certified fresh. Oh, shit. I think. You dropped a peg. Yeah, we dropped a couple. So everyone out there, go vote it up.

Even if you haven't seen it, let's get fresh, baby. How about that Tatum? He's a hunk. He's a hunk, man. He's a really sweet guy, too. He had his ice bath delivered down to Mexico. So I'd go to his room and ice bath like Rogan style. And he had it down in the jungle. I'd be like, hey, man, can I use your ice bath? And we'd do rounds.

He can't take the subway, but he could have an ice bath delivered to Mexico. How long do you go in the ice bath? Well, I don't know if this is true, but I hear that anything over three minutes doesn't matter. So you don't need to go for anything longer than three. So we would do three minute rounds. I got an adapter for my tub at home. So it's not expensive. It makes it an ice bath? Yeah, it freezes the water. Wow. That's a wreck. And it's clunky as fuck.

Oh, wow. I'll tell you if it's a wreck. I had to use it a couple of times. Oh, you haven't used it yet? No, I used it twice.

And look, it woke me the hell up. Oh, yeah. First thing in the morning, you got to set up the night before. You just hop in there. You're like, all right, this sucks, but it's also awesome. Yeah. My boy, Jack. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Well, I try to do the ice cold shower, but it's too easy to get in and out. You need the bath. You need the full immersion. Yeah, because part of your body isn't getting in. It's worse than getting all the way in. My buddy, Jack, owns the Russian bathhouse in the East Village. Oh, I love that spot. It's the fucking best. That's a good plug. If you're in New York, go to the big... And he's got the ice...

water now. Yeah. They just renovated it recently so it's all nice and new because it was kind of funky for a while. Yeah. And now it's all renovated and they got a good ice bath and they got the three different hot rooms. I love the Schwitz, man. It's great. I'm going to go tomorrow. I went there with Tim Dillon once. Talk about a sight. Just this fat gay guy. Wow. Holding court and he's like snapping a twink with a towel. Yeah.

Quite an image, seeing him in a nightclub or a Turkish bath. I love the Schvitz, man. Love it. Gotta sweat it out. Mark Schvitz. Yeah.

Wow. All right. Is that it? Do we end on schvitz? Should we end on schvitz or should we end on something else? See how dumb that is? We got Bodega Cat whiskey. It's all over New York right now. Strip House is going to carry it. We got a new bottle will debut very soon. Is this the new bottle? No, no. It's the old bottle. Way sexier. The new one's sexy. It looks cool. Do we have a picture? Thick with two C's.

Yeah, I will be in London September 18th. Whoa! Belfast September 22nd, the 24th in Dublin, the 25th in Paris. Then I will be in Amsterdam. We had a show in Amsterdam and Paris, so please fill those up. Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm,

And then, yeah, Cleveland is the next month. Not until November. So I'm going to add something in October, but then big tour in January. So keep your eyes open. Samorell.com or just go to punchup.live slash Samorell, punchup.live slash Mark Norman. And you can see all our stuff there. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Hey, hey, Orlando, Florida.

Bring the kids. Worst flight in the biz. Easily the worst flight, and I'm doing the hard rock, which I've heard are tough for comedy. Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Newport, Rhode Island, Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland, and

Come on out. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. I told you the Larry David story? No. I'll be quick. So I'm doing the Chicago Theater at 7 p.m. I get a call from my agent. Weird request. Larry David wants to do the Chicago Theater same day. He wants 7 p.m. So can you move to 9? And I said, I'll move to 9, but I get to meet him. Really? Wow. And they said, we can do that.

Awesome. He's going to hate every minute of it, but I'll get the photo. That's awesome. Yeah. That's when you get the photo. You get the photo. Damn. Nice hardball. Yeah. What day of the week is it? It's a Friday. All right. Nine's a harder spot.

I agree. I might have to come to that Oakland show. That's true. I might have to. When's the Oakland one? Scroll up there. Yeah, I grew up there. I want to go bring my boys there. I love you. We should come to the Oakland one. It's not selling well. I think people there are having trouble with money, but we'll see what happens. Yeah, it's a rough town. But I hear it's a legendary theater. October 12th. It's a beautiful theater. Uh-huh.

All right, well, yeah, check it out, folks. Everyone in Oakland, go see him, yeah. That's right. Yeah, thanks, boys. Punch-Up follows both on punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Rowe. Go see Simon's, all his movies, Blink Twice. Thanks, guys. The new one's coming out. It's awesome, crushing. It's such a good guest on the podcast. Thanks. Always a pleasure. Thanks, guys. Vince Vaughn, get your fat ass on here, you big, four-headed freak. Love Bad Monkey, dude. It's been great so far. And get some...

Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com We got a new fucking batch We're making moves with this If you want a piece of this shit

DM Bodega Cat on IG. I don't know what to do. Oh, that's a pet peeve. Oh, look at that. Look at that. It's a real thing. Look at that bottle. It's strong and sturdy. It really hit a person. It's a sexy bottle. Sexy bottle. That's a pet peeve. I'm out in Martha's Vineyard. Oh, you got a whiskey. You guys should do some ready to drinks. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do it. All this shit takes time.

Slow down. They got the right idea, though. We're going to do it. I just smell your fart now. I just let a little gas in. The silent one, dude. Sorry. And on that note, it's been a great episode. We love you guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys. And Norman's talking shit about the real and dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in Newlands. This woman doesn't believe true.