Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
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Hey, we're here. We might be drunk. Look at this. We got old Sammy the Bull as usual, and then our special guest, the prom king and queen. Absolutely. Joe List and Sarah Tolomash. Here we are on opposite sides of the couch the way we like it. Right. Couples therapy. How is everything? Two men in between us.

The way I always... You guys used to have the bit about first class, how you get upgraded, but you wouldn't be able to sit together. And you're like, yeah, we're okay with it. Yeah, no problem. Yeah. Also, it's really funny. I always think when we don't sit together, if the plane crashes, that I can't be like, can I sit next to my husband while we die? I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying. Yeah. I would just yell back, I love you, whatever. Yeah.

Well, that happened a lot because I would buy, so oftentimes I've bought a ticket before and then Sarah decides, oh, I want to tag along some bullshit. So I'll get her a ticket, but first class is already taken up. And then there was one guy, a big Texas guy was like, cause I was already in my seat, obviously. And Sarah got on half an hour later. Yeah. And I was like, Hey, I love you. And he was like, now I'm out of believe that's your wife going back there. Uh,

And I was like, yeah, you know, and he's like, in Texas, that wouldn't fly, man. You don't let your wife. And I was like, well, she's from Texas and you can blow. Why don't you give her your seat? Good point. Give her your seat. You're from Texas. This is a good internet argument. That is good. Well, people think it's crazy. And then Sarah only just recently got pre-check and I would leave her in the dust there too. Oh, that's very reasonable. Yeah. Gotta get it. Together.

- But when it set up beforehand was so annoying. Like I just didn't feel like going to a Staples. - That's how I felt too. - Yeah, but now I did it through Clear. - Oh. - So you can just do it at the airport.

Oh, wow. I had to go to Staples. You waited it out. I waited it out, but it took like years. I think I went to the DMV. I think I did the really shitty way. Yeah, I went to a place, like the pre-check place. And it was fine. It was easy. But it is a game changer. Oh, it's huge. What about when you see the pre-check line is longer than the other line? And you're like, how did we get here? Well, now there's the other one. I don't even want to mention it because I want the line to stay short. But you know about...

Yes! Yeah, bleep that. You got to bleep that. Well, we keep giving more. You got the fingerprint, the iris. It's going to keep... There's going to be a new thing in the year. I don't care. I got to tell you. Yeah, my balls. I'm a bad... Dip your balls in the little thing. I don't care about it. The government... I've always been like this, even going back to George W. Bush. I've always been a bad liberal... That's a bad word now. That's like the N-word, the liberal. But whatever, a bad...

leaning left person because since day one, I'm like, read my emails, listen to my phone calls, watch this fuck. I don't care. If I can get on the airport faster, I don't care. If you read my texts, I feel bad for you. Yeah. Because it's just a lot of, a lot of dark horse shit. Let the government read all my shit. We're putting it all out anyway. You got the phone. You got to find my iPhone. They know where we are. They know what gay club you're at. Whatever. TikTok knows who you are to a T. Who? TikTok. Oh,

Oh, yeah. China. There were the COVID people who were like, I don't want the government, because they were knocking on doors for people to get the vaccine. They're like, I don't want to get the vaccine. And so they know where I am. It's like, they knocked on your door. They found you. They got you already. Right. Well, there is a microchip in there, obviously. But yeah, I want to, in my defense, we have a baby. And when we would fly, because I had clear and pre-check, I would take the baby.

So I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. All right. I guess I am. Remember we went to London? Yes. Me and him did a TV show in London. They got us free first class tickets. And the wife was like, I want to go to London. And I was like...

All right. And it was the same thing. So she sat in the way back of the plane and I'm in the international first class. Yeah. It was a whole nother ball game. And that was a fight. You bring her back in a roller? I did. I gave her a pat of butter. Just the butter. But yeah, that was a rough plane ride. Yeah. What can you do? Six hours later, we made up. Wow. She should grab herself by her bootstraps.

Stupid pregnant asshole. Yeah. This is pre-pregnant. Good point. That was a great time. Great trip. Horrible TV show. You keep saying that.

Cut that. Well, the show's fantastic. Five years ago. Best show I've ever been on in my life. Are you kidding me? No. No, it was really bad. It was trash. It was a bad show. It was bad. But boy, they whipped us into shape. I remember I showed up and you're like, you're in for it, Fanny. They're going to kill you. And I hadn't done a lick of work. No, it was crazy. I had to hire a writer. They were like... Yes. They...

work there. I don't know. I showed up with two jokes. They're like, you need nine jokes per topic. It was crazy. I was working around the clock. It was horrible. I stayed up all night. I did it all night or I crammed all day. I had books open. Like at midnight back in the day. Remember that? Yeah. It was like that times 10

for like two weeks. I never did at midnight, but that show was, it was a lot of work. But they did pay us. It is like classic us though. They're like, we're going to give you a shit load of money to come out and do a TV show. We're like, all right, I'll do it. I'm not going to do any work though. Yeah. I'll just take the trip. We're comedians. Remember that breakfast though at that hotel? Woo!

That was something else. Unbelievable. I like the international lounge. You get the beans with the eggs. I kind of like that. Oh, I hate the international lounge. It's just different. It's different. Yeah, I don't know. But it makes you realize we're number one, baby. We got a croissant, which I guess is French. But we got all kinds of good stuff. Look at this pile of miscarriage over here. That's an English breakfast. You got that right. Yeah.

Yeah, that's all Brit. That's what Sarah's mother makes. Sarah's mother's British. Did you guys know that? Oh, sorry. Oh, that's right. All right. Can she cook? No. Well, I want to say she does really good salads, but she is...

This sounds so horrible, but she doesn't season anything. Yes. Everything, the steaks are dry. Yeah. Yeah, bad food, bad weather, bad teeth. Vaginas are bad, too. Dry. Yeah. Dry vaginas. The whole family. It rains so much. Get a little moisture down there. Not on social media. No, we're okay. Yeah.

Look at that. Sorry. I've tried to do this on stage, and it never really hits the way I want it to hit, but this is a story about Sarah's mother. When Sarah's father passed away, RIP, my mother sent a fruit basket, like a big fruit basket, to the house, and we're all hanging out. Thoughtful. And after like three days, Sarah or Sarah's sister's like, Ma, why don't you open the fruit basket? She goes, oh no, that's Joe's. His mother sent it. What?

Oh, wow. Her mother. Joe needs his fruit right now. Her mother thought my mother was like, get Joe his fruit. He's got to have his scrapes. It has to be in a basket, too. That's wild. Which gave me a window into Sarah. I'm like, this is how you were written. Like, your mother has such low self-esteem. She's like, I can't open. That's got to be. I don't want to be a bother. Yeah. It's probably like the motto of English, even though they colonize England.

everything she thinks your mom she thinks your mom's just sending you a basket of $80 pears yeah just some whoever you go Joe's always eating pears yeah pears are pussy ho ho

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, I hate a fruit basket. You ever gotten an edible arrangement? No. It stinks. It's just like mangoes on sticks and stuff. Well, it just would go stale, I would assume, with flies around it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's bad. Now they got these boxes of food they send you, and they put like an ice cube in the bottom. But the ice cube always melts, and the food goes bad.

Well, that's like one time Joe for podcast Factor sent. Factor. They sent in all this food, but we weren't home because they didn't reach out and it just went. It went stale on her doorstep like a thousand dollars worth of food. I got it sent to me and it was out there for like a month and it's still delicious. Factor. You guys are crushing it. Factor rules. It's the best. We love it. Love Factor. Sarah. Sorry. We blew it. You should call.

ahead of time to let us know when a week's worth of food is coming. They might have. I probably ignored it. Yeah, good point. Look at that. It looks like a lot. See, when hobos get hip to factor, they're going to be eating like kings. They're already porch pirates stealing everything. When they find a factor box, that's food for a week. You need a microwave, don't you? No. Hobos, they eat out of the trash. They're not going to be like, this is going to need a microwave oven.

They're eating garbage. Sorry, what was that factor? Oh, I was just going to say porch pirate. I clammed up. It sounds like a slur. I was like, oh, Jesus. Like a gay slur. It does. That's butt pirate. Butt pirate, sorry. Butt pirate, classic. I haven't heard that one in a while. I guess black? Yeah, there is a black one that's close. Yeah. Oh, geez. All right. That one's actually worse than pirate.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Butt pirate doesn't sound that bad. It sounds kind of fun. Arr. Ass hurts. Absolutely. Like discovering new lands. Oh, hey, matey, a butthole awaits. It's kind of fun. You pull out the telescope and then you put it in him. A vast ye penis. Yes. Hey, look at that butt pirate. There you go. Pillow biter is pretty clever. Whoever came up with pillow biter, that guy deserves a high five. I never heard that one. What? Pillow biter? Yeah. Pillow biter. But pillow biter could also be a woman.

Or, you know, whatever. True, true. Whoever's biting the pillow. Well, a cocksucker would be a woman, too. Absolutely. Right? Unlike Sarah. Yeah. Not me, though. No way. Maybe a birthday. Maybe. Remember the hookup coupons? Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. My ex-rover gave me that. I've heard about that. It's like a good... It also sounds like a good premise.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like this is good for one hand job, one BJ. I don't want my loved one, Joe, rocking them all up and I have to do them all in one night. Ooh. That's how you should do it. I would just get tired. Yeah. I got two pair over here, sweetie. Some lipstick on. Yeah. I would get one of my mom, not a hookup one. When I was a kid, I was like, here you go. One free clean the kitchen, one hug, you know, one foot rub, whatever.

You never did that? No. You gave your mom a foot rub? What the hell? Yeah, I gave my mom foot rubs all the time. Great son. This is a Pulp Fiction dialogue. I don't be tickling her nothing. Now, Lewis and Bobby did that one year on You Know What, Dude. It was like a free foot rub thing.

or something like that. There you go. Somebody got one and had to rub a foot. A man's foot is appalling to me. It's awful. I can't. I just can't. Anytime you, yeah, anytime I see a man's foot in like a sandal, I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah. You gotta take good care of your feet. No.

No. The toenails are out of control. Oh, I could catch salmon with these things. Right. Disgusting. I don't know why you guys don't like cutting your toenails. It's all the way down that we're longer than you. We're taller and less flexible. You can't get down there. We're not flexible. No, we just don't maintain. Dude, I didn't know you had to wash your face until like two weeks ago. No, I didn't wash my face seriously until I was in my 30s. I just started like.

I'm not kidding. Tommy Pope mentioned it in Austin. He's a handsome guy. He got great skin. He was like, wash my face. I was like, oh, I've never done that. He goes, you've never washed your face? I was like, no, I've never done it. So what do you do? I just go to bed with chemicals on my face, I guess. I don't know. No, but in the shower. No, I don't get it. What? It gets wet. You get it wet. I feel like you're good enough. I was the same way for years and years. Wash blood?

No, whoa washcloth. I mean I know of jizz rag. I've never heard of a washcloth. I have one. Yeah, oh my good. We're weird Which rumors the rumor that like a lot of white people don't wash their legs? I never do I don't I do even though I had legs. That's like crazy not to wash your leg I don't do lotion. I don't do anything a little lotion lotion when you have the time lotion You got to start because I think you look like an old crinkly asshole especially with the whiskey. Oh

At age of you, you'll start looking like an old asshole soon. What about these stogies? That can't be helping the crackle. Well, I smoke outside and occasionally. I'm not smoking all day, every day. Mm-hmm.

But I mean, look at me. I'm twinkling over here. That's a nice epidermis you got there. Hey, you got a glow. I steam. The steam room's big. It's big. Sober. Moisturizer. Moisturizer. Moisturizer. There you go. Whatever it is. But you wash your legs because you shave with it every couple months. Every few months. Yeah. Yeah. You got to wait to get the good shave. Where are you guys at with leg hair in the bedroom? On her or me? On her. On her.

Some guys are like, get the fuck out of the bed. Like women have leg hair? Like stubble. Not full leg hair. That I wouldn't do. The Goosebumps is fine. Goosebumps? The great book. The Prickleys. Yeah. I'll go stubble because I know that she's been shaving. But if you get a full on hippie chick with the Robin Williams arms in there, that's not happening. Not a fan of the armpit hair. No!

I know that's like, they think it's empowering, but to me it's just like, you know. There's a hot, smoking hot waitress at one of the comedy clubs, I'm not going to get specific, but she's very hot, and the other day she did one of these, yeah, and I saw a big old Richard Simmons come out of there. I almost quit working that club. She got drafted to the Memphis Grizzlies or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Oh, goddammit. Sarah, armpit hair, thoughts? I actually think it's cute. And did you ever remember

remember like the first playboy that Madonna did she had armpit hair no way yeah pull it up yeah playboy I think it was her photos that she took from a photographer and then he sold them to playboy but they had she had armpit hair interesting well if you're the sexiest woman on earth I'll allow it to the left yeah oh wow oh that's good is that Madonna though doesn't look like Madonna it's got a slopey nose that's her oh

Oh, but there it is. That's her with the hair. They put it right on the crease of the page. That was smart. Yeah, that's good. She's insisting on the armpit hair and they're like, we'll put it in the crease. Don't worry about it. I get it that it's like a counterculture. She's pushing back on the man, but not a fan. But I think though- It's very Euro. Yeah. Boy, she had a body, huh? She's tight. That's actually a lot of armpit hair. More than me. But she's Italian. Oh, gross. What? She probably has that on her back.

But don't you find, though, I mean, you're in a long-term relationship. Like, you guys both are, right? I mean, like, we've been together for 37 years. Yep. After a while...

armpit hair I'm not suggesting this but like you can get into anything different that's true like we went to Paris Sarah was chain smoking cigarettes which by the way I was like we're in Paris we should smoke cigarettes Sarah smoked about 40 in 10 minutes really I'm a smoker I used to be a smoker oh I didn't know that yeah I smoked for years I wish you didn't do all your caring the baby but I know well small birth weight he's tiny pretty me

But yeah, I was like, wouldn't that be fun? But I love a cigarette if I get to have one. I'm like, when in Rome, cafe, society, and Sarah's like, that might be fun. And then she's got like three at a time. She's like, don't worry. She was doing Coke. Whenever I'm in a casino, I'll start smoking stogies. Oh, yeah. Really? That's cool. I get the respirator whenever I'm in a casino. By the way.

I don't know if this is common knowledge out there. I just went to a movie yesterday with Ari. He's smoking. They got a hold on him. He's smoking cigarettes like a regular guy. Whoa.

He's 48 years old. He's just smoking. When your friend starts smoking at 48, you're like, it's only when you're in high, I get high school, but when you start smoking at 25, that's kooky. It's weird. Well, Ari also gets a Mohawk, you know, every two months. So trying to skateboard. Yeah, exactly. Like Bart Simpson. Yeah. He's wearing a suit like the Riddler. I thought that was his most offensive look. Which one? The one where he had the bald man. Oh, that was for the bachelor party. Yeah. Mustache. Yeah. That was ugly.

Not even the most offensive thing at that bachelor party. That's true. There he is. Ari's handsome when he goes high and tight, which he has right now. Yeah, when he goes normal. Yeah. Handsome's a stretch, obviously. It's weird because he looks better... Wow, that's rough. He looks like a terrorist. Osama bin Laden. Yeah. Jesus. He, uh...

He looks better now than he did in like the early 2000s when he had that kind of dewy curl. Yeah, with the crazy glasses. He looked really bad even before that because he's getting it together here. Well, men get more attractive. It's one of the cruel things about life. Men get more attractive and women go to shit soon. I mean, not yet. Yeah, exactly.

any minute and I'm out I'm on the edge his Jewish hair looks like horns it's not good it looks like it was drawn by a Nazi artist oh yeah oh is that him that's him

That's appalling. Looks like Alan Lefkowitz. You get Hamas now. How about Alan? Did you watch Alan with Colin Quinn? I saw that. I love Alan. Me too. He's 78, though. I thought he was 73. He's 78? 78. He says it on the thing. Wow. That's Trump's age, I believe. Yeah. Damn. Similar guys. Yeah. True. Okay. I'm the greatest therapist of all time. That's a good soda, Alan.

Whoa. You're a pussy. I think I do a better Alan than Soder. You got to assert. We all go to Alan? Yeah, all four. I don't anymore. The whole gang. I did for a long time. I love Alan. Falling out? You pulled out?

Yeah, I think I'm good for now. Blue cardigan. That was ugly Ari. Yikes. Oh, mama. He looks exactly like what's-his-toes in old school at the beginning. The director. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips. He looks just like Todd Phillips in the I'm Here for the Gangbang scene. That's right. I mean, that's like dead on. Oh, JFL. I heard JFL's coming back with different ownership. Netflix? Netflix?

I don't think Netflix. Interesting. Massage? Huh? Oh, sorry. Thinking of Ari. I got you. We're just watching. It's crazy that you watch TV. Are you enjoying it? Parenthood. Having a kid? Yeah. Oh, I'm enjoying it the most right now. This is ideal. Yeah, it gets better every day. But the first three months are so brutal. They always make it so hard, but they don't...

It's harder than you think it is. No sleep. It's psychotic. Screaming, shitting. It doesn't make sense. Really? Yeah. And then you're by yourself a lot, I feel like. Right. Because we switch off. So we're never in the same room together. Right. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it was pretty rough. And also because the beginning, the baby can't see and he doesn't know or she, they don't know who you are. Sure. And so any one of us could just go in there. So there's not even like, yeah, this guy. Right. So they don't even, they're not even real.

reciprocating. You get nothing out of it. You get nothing and then you're up all night and they're crying and it's not fun. No, it's a nightmare. That's tough. No, that's it. Well, we're all about reaction. You know, we want to kill, we want to do well and you're just bombing with this baby all day. It's worse than bombing. Like...

Because it actually hurts your feelings. You bomb a corporate gig, you're like, fuck these people. I'm not going to see them again. It's a corporate gig. And you got to check. I would start taking it personally as if maybe there's something deep down inside he knows about me. He's rejecting me right now. But there's sweet moments, but it was tough. And then trying to go DuPont. It was tough, but now it's amazing. It's the best. It's wonderful. Yeah, he's cute. I love it. Doug Key has a...

Six month old? Yeah, he's like two months behind us. Yeah, something like that. And he's like, you get a smirk of a smile and you're like, oh my God, I love this fucking thing. It's a game changer. Really? Yeah. Yeah, now like last night I ran home like Cusack to get home before we went to bed and I like opened the door and he was like, what?

And he jogs over, jogs, he crawls over and stuff. Now you can get him to laugh, which feels good. He laughs real hard, he smiles. And then now he like goes to bed on me. Like he's like, that stuff is really sweet. And you feel like. Yeah, but I do. There is a time where I felt like it felt like you're an emcee of a show that never ends. That you constantly have to keep bringing the energy because you can't.

- Be like, rest your face. Like you have to be like excited. You know what I mean? - Right. - Give him emotion. - You're Fuqua. - Yeah. - You're already, you're going long. - Yeah, I'm dancing. - Picking up the purse. - I'm trying to entertain him the whole time.

I'm trying to figure out what toys he likes. It's just like, it makes me want to smoke a cigarette every now and then. Well, it sounds like you might start. Yeah. But you get, you get those people that like when the baby goes to bed, they have a, they crack a beer and all that stuff. Yeah. Sure. Sure. And also it's hard to do. Now, like last week I was, I've been on the road a bunch. When I come home, I had no spots all week, like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and

And I was like, this is how I want to live my life now. Because you spend the whole day with the baby. It ends. You're like, great. I'm going to watch the socks or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You become a homebody. It does make it harder to go out. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That is tough. Don't you ever think, how the hell did babies survive in the Middle Ages? Because they need so much. A lot of them didn't. Yeah, most of them didn't. I think you have eight. You have like a lot of babies. Oh, you have eight. That's true. You keep pushing them out until they. It's like darts. You just throw them at the wall. Yeah. Yeah.

Even Lincoln lost so many kids. Really? Go back to the 1800s, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow, honest Abe.

Or like farm accidents. Yeah. They would just work. That was the other thing. Back in the day, you had a staff. Yeah. It was like eight kids were now plowing the field and milking the cow. Now we're plowing the kids. Hello, folks. Not us. I'm starting to think about fucking a baby because people, they diddle babies, but like... Yeah, fucking a baby, I hope. You can't. How are you going to fuck a baby? I always wondered that. Like that b-hole is like, it's like a thread in a needle. We'll be right back.

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probably not in a course so much. I thought there was a dog. I didn't even realize there was like a living creature right there. Oh yeah. It's hilarious. That's much easier to fuck. She will not like it. But no, it's great. It's awesome. It's fun. And then you miss, you have somebody to miss, you know, because I don't miss Sarah, but I miss the baby. Sure, sure. Well, like you separate from him

And then you just look at photos of your friend. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't do that for any other friend, but then I'm like, when I go to bed, I'm just like looking at photos of my baby. Yeah, of course. No one thinks they're going to be the parent who shows other people the kid photo, but every parent has done it in my existence. Yeah, and you know when you do it. I'm going to do it, I guess. But you're so, you're like, he's so fucking cute. Of course.

But I get it. I don't want to talk about it. Right. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be the party bummer. Yeah. Can I say this? And this is why you'll do it is it's also like a natural, you know, because we're uncomfortable socially with strangers. So it's a natural progression of like, oh, don't you have a baby? Oh, yeah. Oh, you want to see it? Like it gives you.

It's not like I want to show people my baby. Right. It's just like the natural thing of like, oh, this is what you say next. It goes with the conversation. It's the same as being like, boy, it's been really hot lately. Like, I don't actually give a shit to say it's hot out. Sure, sure. It's a small talk. Being polite. Yeah. Then they show you a photo of their baby and you're like, I don't care. Yeah, right, right. Give a shit about your baby. Yeah. Wouldn't you love to do that just once? Because everybody goes, oh my God, how about that? Just go, eh, I don't care. It's ugly.

It's like every other baby. Yeah. But also, I'm the guy now that I always hated where I'm like going to watch a movie and I'm like, ooh, a new crime doc. It's like, ah, it's a child abduction. Ah, I don't want to watch that. You know? I thought about that. Yeah, you got to like, ah. But Manchester by the Sea is still my favorite film. What about... We just watch it all the time. We have it on repeat. Now it's a fantasy. Like Goodfellas and then Manchester by the Sea. Yeah, great movie.

Both of them. What about strippers? You go to a strip club. Do you kind of go, ah, that was a baby. Where's the mom? Where's the dad? Or are you still cool with that? I don't think Joe's going to strip clubs. Yeah.

I've got a strip clubs. You idiot. Me neither. Another word from factor. No, I don't see it. I don't look. I mean, I haven't been to a strip club in a long time, but I like porn. I'm not saying strip. It could be anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you know what? You don't really watch porn either. You're watching child porn. You're like, this could be it.

No, but when the hot women walk by and I stare at their ass as they pass, I'm not like, ah, you idiot, that was a baby. Okay. I'm like, no, I want to cum on that butt. Yeah. What about when a baby goes by? Decent ass. No, now when a baby walks by, I'm like, nope, not as cute as ours. Okay. Not as cute as ours. That's horse shit. I cannot wait to see how much cuter my baby is than yours. But what about the fact that it's your baby? What do you mean? How do you know it's actually cute? You're going to be biased.

No, you can tell. No, you can tell. I've seen some ugly babies out there. I've never heard a parent go, damn, my kid's pretty ugly. They can't say it, but they... You think they know? Of course they know. I don't know about that. Plus, we get the reaction. Everyone's like, oh my God, it's like a Gerber baby. It is. Holy shit. It's like next level cute. I think his eyes are pretty. Big blues. Yeah. Fantastic baby. Oh, let's pull up some real ugly babies. This is the best baby. Oh!

Oh, my God. That one four in from the left is the thing from Star Wars. Yeah. The Admiral. The Admiral. The fish. Yeah, that's the Admiral Fish guy. And then there's Mr. Bean all the way on the back right. Okay, so...

Even that one, I'm like, that one's cute. That's normal looking. Which one? The second death. Yeah, he's cute. Oh, yeah, he's all right. That's unfair. Well, some of these are early, too. Early, early. Some of them just look, go to the top left. That one's second. Yeah, that one just kind of looks like Ed Harris. Right. That's not that bad. He just looks like an older baby. It also takes time. They cute out more. Right. But I always feel like our baby looks like an old banker.

His old banker. Like a president head. I can see that. He's got a huge Kennedy head. He kind of looks like Truman. Yeah. Big Irish head on this baby. Oh, there is Mr. Bean. But I have seen ugly babies. Oh, that one looks like a ball sack. It's all wrinkly. Look at the today. Good Lord. Yeah, some of these are bumming me out. That's like a nose job. The black one's not bad. Mom goes... No, that one's cute. That's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern. That one will cute out.

I feel like our kid looks like that one next to the grown man baby. As Gillis. Like has that kind of look. Old man look. Oh,

Wow. Look at that. Well, it's a shame because we would decide we're not going to put the baby online. He's a private being. That's adorable baby. That's a good looking kid. Yeah. That baby looks like an adult baby though. It looks like he runs like a law firm or something. But you have this thing where you're like, we're not putting the baby online. And then he comes out so goddamn adorable that you're like, I could really blow up my shit. I feel like I could sell some tickets. Go to baby page. Yeah. You're like, I really. What about modeling? Would you do, would you be down for that? No. No. I don't know.

I just feel like there's so many weirdos in that world that I just... Even as an adult, there's weirdos. Yeah, it's actually just weird. Then you can recognize people's children. I just watch that Nickelodeon doc and you're like, they're just pedophiles all over. You hate being such right-wing talking point of QAnon, but you're like, there are just too many weirdos out there. There really are. Well, also, you talk about this all the time. When you go to Houston, you're like, oh, there's these two kids. Yeah, it's...

like I thought it was weird when Facebook started coming out I would see my friend she wasn't really like in my circle of friends but my graduating class was 900 but I knew her through soccer and I saw her two boys just riding bikes around our neighborhood and I was like it's so weird that I know their name and they know nothing about me but I could just be like oh blah blah blah get in the car your mom Julie said yeah like I know all this information about her

That's why I was like, I just think that's weird when you put your kids, you put so much information. Yeah, you could really walk up and be like, hey, Pete. Yes. I know how you play Little League and you won your game two weeks ago. I know how much you love candy, too, if you want to hop in real quick. Right, exactly. What your dad masturbates to because I listen to all of his podcasts. Right. Hey, your mom puts a shoe in your dad's butt. Yeah. Begrudgingly, but he still comes. Yeah.

That is true. Finding Your Dad's podcast is the new Finding Your Dad's porn because you're going to be like, I love getting jizzed on by men. We have talked about that like soccer games and they're like, yeah, we've heard Joe's podcast. Right. It's going to be pretty common, I think. Well, I attempted a job years ago at this financial firm. It was really nice and this guy was like,

Hey, I heard you on Ari's podcast and I was so mortified that this guy that I was like a business dude that was proper that heard me on that podcast. But if he listens to Ari's podcast, he's probably okay. Good point. Totally. But at the same time, you're like, I don't want to discuss what I talked about.

Yeah. On the podcast. Well, it's weird. We're going to have parent-teacher conferences and they're going to be like, oh, you don't shave your pussy that often. Right. The principal's like, were you on Comptown? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so that's a little weird. Yeah, that is weird. Not to mention the amount of...

Bad boy words with you. Oh, yeah. Eh. Yeah, kids bar mitzvahs. I'm a big fan of Legion of Skanks. The rabbi loves it. Well, we have that right now. Like, we're going down to the Cape, and my nephew is like, can I bring my girlfriend? We rented a house. And I'm like, yeah, sure. They're like 15. But then you're like, if this...

like do a quick Google search. It's just me on our podcast being like, all right, fuck it kid, we'll see you next week. And they're like, what is this? - That's true. - Well, we had that one, like my sister was like, I bought tickets for Joe's show and bring mom with, and we had to put a kibosh on that. - Your mom? - Yeah. - Oh boy. - 'Cause I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits. You know, like you're saying. - Well, it's hard because yeah. - She's not gonna get it.

And also, she's like... She doesn't even get what I... I think she thinks I'm a sex worker. Oh, she doesn't even get fruit baskets. Right. Well, Sarah's mother is quite sophisticated. She's like an intellectual British woman. I would never talk about fucking Sarah in front of... Of course. We would have her come to a show, and I'm like, yeah, in order to get my wife to come, I got to stick a thumb in her asshole. Yeah. And she's like, what? No, I don't think so. And we have a thing if she watched on YouTube...

It's like, at least you're removed from it or whatever. Yeah. But just lie and then seeing her after. And then dinner afterwards. Yes. It's like, well, we all have different versions of ourselves. Like, I'm not showing that side of me to a 72-year-old British woman.

intellectual. Yeah, of course. And on stage you're heightened and you're trying to be funny but you forget that people don't really talk like we talk in the real world. I dropped the C word around people that weren't comics thinking Yeah. You know, I just throw it out willy nilly and they were like a

Isn't that weird? It is. Like they made me feel bad. Yeah. I was just like, but it's not that big of a deal. I was just kind of like, can we just pretend I'm in England? I tell this story, I tried to do it on stage, but one time I was at Starbucks and my app wasn't working and I was like, oh, sorry, my app's being crazy. And the woman was like,

I was like, oh, so I just hang out with fucking animals. Yeah. Shitty. Nothing to me. No. You're talking about a phone. Yeah. I don't get offended whatsoever. But saying cunt in a work environment. She makes that face. Now you're being cunt. Yeah. Look at you. Look at that face. Don't be a twat.

But it's so true. I did a show in Louisiana. My whole family came out. Mom, dad, cousins, aunt, uncle. It was brutal. I'm trying to clean it up in real time. I'm like, and that flipping cum shot, you know, like, oh, what am I doing? And then we all had dinner later and it was so quiet and weird. It was brutal. Damn. Do you think they didn't enjoy it or they were just too proper? I think we just were waspy, you know,

in Louisiana. So we all just pretended it didn't happen and kept going and talked about Trump getting shot. Well, that's what's weird, too, about clips sometimes. Like, we have a company that will do clips for our podcast, and they're like, let's throw this out there. And it's like, I'd rather come in a woman's face than have a man come in my face or whatever. And then you're like, well...

My like sister-in-law and niece and aunt aren't listening to an hour of us talk, but like Instagram, that'll pop up. I know. And I'm like, now I got my sister-in-law and brother-in-law being like, huh, I guess he likes man jizz in his face or whatever. You know who else did this? It's so true though. It's the worst fucking part. And that's how they wrote you in.

I know. You know what's the deal with these rappers? You ever listen to a Cardi B song? It's like, then he put his dick in my ass and I screamed fast or whatever. I can't rap. But do they go to lunch? I guess they don't have parents, rappers. I assume.

They're just like made in a lab. Yeah, but those songs, those Nicki Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion. She's pretty good. Is she? I mean, I'm not saying they're not talented. I'm just saying it's filthy stuff. I mean, Wet Ass Pussy is the name of a song. That's the title. Yeah. Who knows what's in the tune? Right.

This is the oldest sounding you've ever been. Who knows what these kids are doing out there? Jive turkey. So silly that it's not so offensive, but I remember like Two Life Crew. Oh, filthy. Their songs would be like, bitch thought I was coming in her mouth, but I was just peeing. Whoa! I feel like...

It's also just rude. It is rude. It's so rude. Disrespectful. But like, how do you hang out with your girlfriend's parents after you have that lyric? But I'm sure that's not their concern. Yeah. Well, that's ultimately the problem with the world we're living in. And this happens also every once in a while when like,

I think Tracy Morgan got in trouble years ago. People say something in a comedy club or Louis, and then it gets taken out, and you're like, but that wasn't for everybody. That was for the people in this room. It's the same with the podcast. I'm like, this is for this group of people listening. If you take this out and put it over in that other world, we look like psychopaths. That's crazy. I'm not...

I don't want this in my mother-in-law's living room. No. This is for these virgins over here. My mom would say stuff to me like, I saw this clip of you and I was really offended. I was like, well, it wasn't for you. Right. It was for someone else, but that's, you know. But in their world, it's on the internet. But I have to say. It's public. Yeah, of course. I get annoyed when I have family members or people in my life tell me that, where I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself. Yeah.

Not my mom. She needs to tell me. And she'll start with, as your mother. I'm like, I know who you are. As your mother. I know what's coming. As a woman. I know your woman. Yeah.

Damn, yeah. I know what you mean. I would love it if she kept it to herself. We've had arguments over it. Yeah. But at least we have an outlet. I'd rather deal with some of this backlash and have awkward dinners with my folks every now and then than just keep it buttoned up for the rest of my life at some bank job. Oh, it's more fun to be outrageous. Yeah. And it's just who we are. I don't even think we're trying to be that outrageous. No. I'm actually dialing it back. We're silly geese. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you imagine going through life in a cubicle and all that? I mean, I used to work in corporate America. It was not easy. I need a clip of Mark farting on Yamanika and then being like, I'm dialing it back. This is the bunned up me. I was going to piss in her mouth. Imagine farting on Yamanika. Oh, it was terrifying. She was not happy. It was a risk.

It was a real risk. It was a risk that paid off. Did you get rewarded? Oh, she flipped. Ah, jeez. She flipped, but we got the clip. That's fun. Yeah. Nate was another one that did not like the fart. Oh, did you see that clip? I did, yeah. Yeah.

No, that's not Nate's cup of tea. It's so funny. There's people that actually cannot stand farting. Oh, yeah. Well, Louie, I told you, Louie's been close for a long time. I've never heard him fart. He's never once lifted a leg and been like, and we were at the Four Seasons first night on the tour for Mark. I'd been on the tour for a while. I got to know the man and we were in his room and Mark just went on his bed and rolled over, put both ankles down.

It just goes. I thought he loved it. And Louie was on the phone with room service ordering food like this. Yeah. That was tough. That's a hard bomb. Hard. But it's so worth it. There's a clip of Louie on the Daily Show back in the day where Louie's like, if you don't find farts funny, there's something wrong with you. Thank you. Well, I think maybe he thought it was funny. I don't know. Maybe he was ordering, you know. I think it was the bed. I'm on his bed. The bed and the fact that he's ordering food. Yeah. And the legs of Kimbo. It's just like your poo particles.

I was naked too. At that point, I think you guys had spent like 80 minutes together. Yeah. You're old pals. Yeah. You've taken some real fucking risks. Well, I'm a comedian. I love it. I mean, that is a big swing. Well, remember that curb episode where he's like your wife? Oh no, your kid. He's got a pretty big dick. And he's like, how could you say my kid has a big dick? He's like, you can say my wife has nice tits. Later, Jeff was like, why would you say his kid's got a big dick? He goes, I told you.

I took a risk. And I've never related to a moment more in that show. I remember Colin not liking you from the get-go at Whiplash. Quinn didn't like you? Yeah, because DePaulo did Whiplash, if you can believe that. Wild. What? Yeah. It's colliding. And then Mark went on after and was like, yeah, this fucking, whatever you said. And Colin was like, who the fuck is this kid?

Zinging Nick DiPaolo. What is he crazy? You don't do that. That's nuts. And he's like, I hope this kid dies. But now you guys are cool. Nick likes you too now, right? Oh, yeah. We go way back. Big time. Yeah. We talked about that. We've had some good calls. But I mean, who knows where he is now? No, he's great. He's on the Capitol steps or what?

Just kidding, Nick. Two of the kings. He probably is there. I don't know. He's listening to this. He's like, I'm going to fucking kill that kid. Oh, people will message me every once in a while and be like, you got to stop. You can't have this man in your life. He beats the shit. He's good on Twitter every now and then. Like he'll zing Lewis or something and it's pretty funny. Oh, he's great. He's going to Skagfest. Oh, great. All right. I can't wait to see him. That'll be good. I'll feel it out.

I'll steer clear, and I won't follow him. No, he loves you. He does. Oh, okay. He said so. All right. You guys got any peeves? Yes. I got peeves. I got big peeves. I wrote down some peeves. I got one. I blew my wad on the last show, but I got a couple left. I think I got one. How about this? Please. People aren't on my side. I'm in the minority here. Oh, I can't wait.

And I don't know if this is a people. I don't understand these people. It bothers me, but it doesn't bother me. I'm unaffected by it. It's nice. Let me just say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand people that get in line at the Starbucks drive-thru when there's like 15 cars in the driveway or in the drive-thru. And my buddy's like, let's go to the drive-thru because he doesn't want to get out of the car, I guess. And I'm like, no, let me go in. He's like, I don't like going in. I'm like, just pull over.

So I'm like, please, park the car. I'll get out. First of all, I like the steps. I like the dopamine, the serotonin from having an interaction. Agreed. And now what I do, the people are all, there's literally like 14 cars in line, and I'll wave to the people as I'm walking in, get my drink. There's literally zero people inside. I leave with my tea, and I knock on the window and go, huh? Ha ha ha.

It's crazy. These people would rather sit in their car for 25 minutes just to not talk to anybody. I'm with you. It's not worth it. I don't get it. Or it's like the people that drive around looking for a parking spot. So they spend like 30 minutes when you could just park in the back and then five minutes to walk.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. I think this stemmed from COVID on some level. Like the delivery guy used to have like the handoff. You gave him the money, remember, back in the day? Yeah. And then COVID came and they just always left at the door. And then that just stuck. And I think people got used to like not any interaction. Interacting is a bummer because you got to do a bullshit small talk. But I'm with you on this because...

I think people want to sit in their car. They like the car. I notice people will go get food in my neighborhood and sit in their car and eat it, which to me is so sad. Yeah, I'd rather stand on the sidewalk and eat it. But we do that on the road. We love it. We go to McDonald's, drive-thru, and then we park and eat. Oh, okay, okay. That I find... I'm talking about the parking lot of your work. I'm talking about going nowhere, yeah. Yeah, me and Salicus went to In-N-Out in L.A., and...

He wanted to do drive-thru, and I said, park it. The In-N-Out line is like a mile long in that driveway. God, it's a line. It's a little line. But Chick-fil-A's line's pretty good. It moves quick. Yeah, it moves really quick. I just don't get it, and I like getting out of the car. But Sarah, this is a thing I have. This is a pet peeve with Sarah. I think this is psychotic. I try to do it as a bit. People don't even understand. Please. We used to take a bus. Now we're doing pretty well. But...

would take a bus. The bus would pull into like Burger King to stop and I'd be like, all right, let's go. And she's like, nah, I'm going to sit here. Oh, that's crazy. You don't want to get off the bus? That's wild. Well, I just...

You're scared it's going to pull away or something? I think that there's a slight anxiety with something like that. Don't take a cruise then. Yeah. And then... I'm not going to leave you. I just always feel like there's nothing important inside for me. You get a soda. You don't want to stretch? You don't want to get air? She's just breathing in bus air with her legs crushed. I could probably drive in a car for days. Really? Yeah. I would actually...

sometimes not get out on those things. I was just always scared they're going to leave you. But what do you stand on the aisle of the bus? I get that way with entering a show, going on stage. Like, I feel like I have to be close to the stage. I don't know what...

I'm not one of those people that's still getting out of their car while being introduced. That's crazy. I can't have that. How about those people who bring you up and they wait a little? They want to absorb some of that applause and they start walking slow and you're like, what are you doing? Get up there. How long do you expect these people to applaud you? You're not even famous. You're like a bullshit comic and they're like, no one knows you. Looking up to the risers. Yeah. I hate that. I also hate when comics do this.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's not good. That drives me fucking crazy. What are you, Hulk Hogan? How about when I did the LA Forum with Louis, this is like 10 years ago now, and Todd Glass was opening, and he brought up Louis, and then while Louis came on stage, they were giving me a standing ovation. Todd stood behind him like...

That's great. Doing this thing, and Louie got really upset. Because after like 10 minutes, Louie just looked back and realized that Tom was still back there being like, for me? That's really funny. Oh, it was so funny. He didn't get really upset. But he was like, what are you doing? That was like the problems Louie. I don't want to put it out there like he was mad, but... He doesn't like a good behind-the-back gag. We've got to have Louie on here, and you have to fart on him at some point. I promise I will. But it's just funny, though. From Louie's perspective, he's like...

Made it to like the tippity pointiest top of comedy. And now more people are doing arenas. Back then, like nobody was doing arenas. He's at the LA Forum sold out. They're going crazy. And his buddy's doing a gag. I can see that. He's like goof trooping behind him. That is actually pretty infuriating. It's crazy, but also hilarious. Yeah. Well, isn't it funny how comedians want to get laughs, but they don't want to be the butt?

We don't want to be the butt of the joke real bad. Of course. Yeah. Well, it depends on what the butt is. That's true. I got to be in on it, but I guess that's the butt. Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, there's a, there's a different, I mean like, cause you're looking foolish in that situation. You don't want to look foolish. These are good peeves. I'm with you. You got to get off. You got to get off the bus, get some air, but we're not taking a lot of buses these days. That's true.

Thank you, folks. The cruise, though, I did a cruise, the Burt cruise, and we docked in the Bahamas. So you're like, I got to go see the Bahamas. But you do have that crazy fear of that thing. And you're like, no, it's pulling away. And you're stuck in the Bahamas picking coke. I sure as fuck didn't get off the one cruise I did. There you go. People did. I was like, I'm not...

What if they pull away your passports on the boat? It takes forever to get off the cruise. Hmm. What? I think you bring the passport. It takes forever to get off the cruise and then to get back on again. I know. But a cruise is different because a cruise, you have a bedroom. There's a pool. True. A bus. You're on a bus. True. It's insane. And then also you could at least stand by the door.

Right. You can stand outside, breathe in the air, and not have the sun hit your face. Yeah, that's a good point. They're both fair peeves. I think they're good peeves. Good peeves. I might have more. Sarah, you got some peeves over there? Yeah, what do you got there, Stripey? Well, I don't know if it's much of a peeve, but we were just talking about like, you know in New York when hotels have pools and they act like it's great, and then you're like, it's just a strip of water. Yeah.

And I'm only allowed to be in here for 15 minutes and pay $100. It's like, have you guys been to other pools? I just don't even offer it. Yeah. And you may as well be a lobster in a tank with all the space you get in there. It's fucking embarrassing. I know. I like to swim around and thrash. Right.

I'm not there. I can't. I'm not the sexy girl at the pool. I'm not in a fancy or like a vanity bathing suit. Like I'm in my Speedo wanting to bounce the ball around. Do you know what I mean? I want to swim laps. That's what I do. Best thing for a hangover is just swimming laps. You feel so good after. No, the best thing is not drinking in the first place. You stay in school.

I said for a hangover. It is. Because that used to be my hangover cure. And it has to be cold water. It's got to be cold water. Oh, my God. It's the best. Barton Springs was always good for that. Ooh, Texas gal. Yeah. But yeah, I hate a place that passes off something that's supposed to be cool. I don't think I've ever been to one. I went to... I did a TWA one. I was like, can we just be honest? Sarah's talking about your birthday party. No, my friend.

My friend also showed me one in Midtown. She's like, I was thinking maybe this could be fun. And then we were just talking about like logistically, probably not. Yeah. Well, they gave you in smaller. I mean, there's some, some real, it's like a tub. Right. Like a rectangle this big. You're hanging out with strangers. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You get a toe in basically. It's like, I like to go to Astoria pool, but they've made it so many rules.

Like you have to have a lining in your bathing suit. You have to take a shower. You're not allowed to bring your... What do you mean a line? Like for aligning. They check it. Like you can't come in with a leotard. It's like Ellis Island over there. You might be naked. Wow. You have to wear a swim cap in those things too? A lot of minorities. No, but you have to take a quick shower. You're not allowed to bring your camera. You can't bring a towel.

That's horrendous. It's where, but then when you do go, you're like, I kind of understand why there are rules because even with that amount of rules, it's still chaos. I believe it. It's weird. I used to go to the rec center constantly and swim there and it's, dude, all old Asian dudes and a lot of just old people who like, who are there every day and somehow still fat.

I'm like, I thought this was the healthiest thing you could do and you're looking at these guys' body and you look like a fucking jellyfish. There's certain accounts I watch where I'm like, they put their workout videos all the time and I'm like, it's been five years and I have not seen results from this person. I'm like, what are you doing? That was an old George Carlin bit about what's his toes? The guy that just died. Richard Simmons. He's like, Richard Simmons is proof you can work out all day every day and still look like shit. Rest in peace.

Didn't he just die? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Also, there was a guy who was a famous walker from New Orleans. Famous guy who was a walker. His whole thing was walking, and he died walking. He had a heart attack. What's that guy's name? I can't think of his name. Forrest Gump? Dead man walking. Paul Walker? He did die. I knew he flipped his car.

His whole thing was like the walking guy. That was like his thing. You got to get out and walk. You got to get steps. And then he died, got a heart attack while walking. I always think that with these people that talk about longevity, I'm like, you shouldn't talk about longevity until you're like 90. True. Because now that you're like 38, being like, this is how you live a long life. You're going to look like a jackass if you die. Yeah. I know. And it happens. Some of those guys have heart attacks. Wait.

There's a lot of those guys that are like really into biohacking and I look at them like, you look so gross. Oh, really? Like that one guy who's harvesting his son's blood. What? Do you know that one? He's like... Yeah, he takes transfusion of his young son's blood and injects it into himself. Hey, that's not bad. Wow. He looks like shit. I'll be right back. You got the kid now, yeah? He looks like a vampire. Pull him up. Biohack.

I think that is the guy. Blood injecting billionaire. Is the kid cool with it? Or is he doing it while he's sleeping? I don't know.

I don't know, but it just seems like some wild billionaire. It feels like a 30 Rock story. Oh, I have seen this guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's too smooth. Yeah, it's a little weird. He's like an android. Yes. Also, I can't imagine dating someone like that. How old is he? Don't die, don't die, don't die. How old is he? He's 50 something maybe. Oh, he looks good. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, but he's too smooth. 46. He's my age. He's your age. It's weird to be this obsessed with it. Yeah. Yeah, you're not fun. No, definitely not fun. This guy's a nightmare to hang out with, I guarantee you. Hand this guy a Dorito. He probably goes to bed at like 7 p.m. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is that Grandpa? Jesus Christ. These guys are all fucking... Yeah, it looks sexual. It does look a little funky. Yeah.

I think Matt Rife's touching his stomach. That's a sexual move for sure. Yeah, too intimate. Is he a billionaire? Did it say billionaire? Gotta be. I'm like, what's his belly? Yeah, what is that touching his belly there? Well, I think this is the guy, too, that eats like 1975 calories a day and he eats the same thing at the same time every day.

Sometimes you talk to these people, they get ripped up and they're like, I eat three grapes at 2 p.m. and at 9 p.m. I eat a bag of salad and I go to bed at 10.01. But you're not living a life. No, that's true. You're living long, but horribly. We had a friend break for a hang to go eat a rotisserie chicken.

to get protein. Wait, bless you. I love the rotisserie. Me too. I do too, but to be like, sorry guys, I gotta leave, I gotta eat my chicken. I don't even remember that. Yeah. All right, how about this for a pee? That worse? Oh, here he is with some Kardashians. Man, that guy is smooth. Yeah, what's your peeve? Well, this one's kind of easy and hacky and we've all seen it, but it happened to me so bad the other day that I couldn't

The lady at the restaurant who orders a ton of shit on the menu and has to take a photo of every food item. You hang out with Gary Veeder? Oh, he does that? Yes. Oh, my God. Like, I couldn't eat. She's like, hold on, hold on. It was like six of us at a restaurant. And she's like laying it all out. So then she stood up on the chair and did one of these to get all of it.

I wanted to kill her. I wanted to eat the food. Everything came out. She had to get a... Does she have a blog? Is she a person or she just wants to remember? It was a very pretty presentation. I think she just wanted it. We were at this dim someplace in Midtown. Yeah, really good dim. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I ordered. And it was, the food was great, but it was very cool looking and they'd open it and like smoke would come out and all that shit. They're inviting it. They're teasing it. Yeah, they want that. It's free promo. It's Instagrammable. Exactly. Oftentimes I take a lot of photos because I just want to have the memory to remember the thing. That's fine.

But she's slowing down the meal. Yeah. Not letting anyone else touch it is crazy. Yeah. Like, imagine if you were in an orgy and you're like, let me get those tits. Like, no, I want to squeeze them. Right, right. Just get in there and lick them and eat them. Right.

So it ruined the whole sum. Yeah, I hear that. It's dim. I hear the... But yeah, if you're not allowed to touch the food, I think that's goofballs. That was the problem. Get some candids. Yeah, take all the photos you want, but let me eat normally. I had to wait and be like, you good? Am I all right? Can I go in on the dumps now? So that was a problem. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. And I guarantee she won't even post anything. I think she's just like, you never know.

Right. Yeah, we'll see. I got one. I don't know. Did I do this one yet, Matt? Let me know if I did this. I'm in the bathroom, in a public bathroom, and there's a guy peeing from like six feet away from the urinal. I don't care for that. Far back? Yeah, far back. That could be fun, though. Quite a stream on that. Yeah, easy Steph Curry. I mean, it's like, it annoyed me. I was like, I don't want to see your fucking dick. Was it a good pee stream? Yeah, it was very healthy. It has to be. Of course. He was launching it from fucking 30 feet.

Jeez. Half court. Yeah, and a hook shot. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that. I get right in there. I'm like all the way in. Yeah, it's your need. You have to be. I do. Yeah, absolutely. I block this side with this hand, and I block with this. I don't want anyone seeing my dick. I do the same thing. And it's not that I'm embarrassed by my dick, even though my dick is embarrassing.

I just want to be considerate. I don't want anyone to have to see my dick. Oh, interesting. It's for them. It's for them, exactly. I see. Same at the gym. I go towel and then I pull the underwear down because it's like no one needs to see my dick. I don't know why you guys get that. In the girls' restroom, we're not peeing openly next to each other. You guys are like pampered in the women's room. It's a couch. I don't know why it's different for you guys. Who created peeing openly?

openly next to each other. Well, it's very efficient. Men are all about in and out efficiency. It's not about feelings or privacy. Our line does move. But I heard this statistically, Ariel Elias has a joke, is because something about you guys don't wash your hands. Better is that. No. Who does? Not after urinating. I do.

You're a lady. Especially in public restroom. But yeah, that's right. I have brought up like- It depends on public rest. If it's an airport bathroom, you ought to believe I washed my hands. Wrigley still has this, by the way. Oh, yeah. It's just there. Wrigley Field still has a trough. It's fucking insane. It's pretty gross. Oh, it's horrible. I'm a stall guy. What's up?

What's that? Doesn't it splash up? Urinals splash all the time. My shorts were all splashy the other day. Yeah, that's embarrassing. But you get to an age, I don't even care. I got pee spots everywhere, splash. I'm like, what are you going to do? We pretend they're like islands. Yeah. Every night I take my pants off and Sarah's like, you got a huge pee spot. It looks like Hawaii. Yeah. Massive. Different state every night. Yeah, we did. Is that New Jersey? One night I did Alaska. I think I drank too much. Philippines. Now see, I have a theory.

You go to some towns and there's these urinals. See the white ones there with the red? What's that red writing to the right? Oh, yeah. You see those all over, like very white towns. You get the partition in Mixed Town because I think black guys came in and you had to...

You can't compete. You don't want to see the dick. You don't want to see the dick and you don't want him seeing yours. He's coming in there with that thing with a fucking magnum light. It's not a bad theory. This is one of the great conspiracy theories I've heard in a while. I can get behind it. I don't think so because I was at two different Chicago airports over the weekend and neither had them. And that's a diverse city. Absolutely, yeah. But I think it's newly diverse. I don't think they've upgraded. Deep in Alabama. That's all white. Okay. There's no partition in deep Alabama. Huh.

Check it out. Get your head on when you go to these towns, and I guarantee you there's no partition in Salt Lake City. Well, the partition also now, now I'm seeing some higher at the airport. They need them high because it's the face that bothers me. It's not the dick. I don't like your face so close to my face. I get that. I want a full. But dick showing. Yeah, exactly. Have it just up here. A glory hole. Yeah.

There's a little flag. Now, I've had this before. Have you ever had this? Now, I urinate. Isn't this nice? It's a clear partition. That looks like Asian. Like, pan or something. They're blocking the wrong part. Right. See, I like to pee in a stall because I like my privacy and I got a bad head-dick connection. I can't. What do you call it? My wires are crossed. Stage fright. Stage fright, yeah.

So I go in this doll. I love this ADD, though, too. I like to focus. Like, I'll just be pissing sometimes, and my girlfriend will come in and just talk. And I'm like, I can't listen to your day while pissing. We're similar pissers. You make me feel better. I remember we went to the movies that time, and you had to keep pissing. And it makes me feel better. Oh, I peed on stuff. Pull up the PJ Clark's urinals. These are kind of fun. Whoa! What the hell? I don't want to ride it. Have you seen these? These are like the iconic New York urinals. That looks like a Segway.

Have you seen them? Oh, those are classic. Yeah, yeah. Those are kind of fun, right? That's like free civil rights urinal. What's it called? Still has that. McSorley's has ones like that. McSorley's is cool. Yeah. I love McSorley's. That's a lot of piss bit on those urinals. You want to do bits?

Sure. Or Rex. Oh, I got a good movie rec. Me too. You guys are a big movie couple. Yeah. Okay, I'd never seen this. It's a 90s kind of western noir I just watched the other day. It's called Lone Star. I don't know Lone Star. It's a John Sayles movie. It's with Chris Cooper. It's fucking incredible. I don't know Lone Star. I liked it. I like Chris Cooper. I do too. It's a great cast. Awesome guy. Young McConaughey is in it. Oh.

Remake? No. Looks like it. No, it's such a good script. It's like, and it's... Oh, 1952. Oh, it was a movie in 1952? But that might be a totally different Lone Star. It's a common term. Was it a Texas cop? It's good, yeah. And it's like, it's a story about his dad. Yeah, it's got a Hot 92 on Von Tomatoes.

That says 91, but we'll let it slide. Sorry. It was still good. Yeah, good cast, good movie. I like Chris Christopherson. Oh, he did. Oh, I love Christopherson. Who else you got there? Joe Morton. Elizabeth Pena. I don't know her. She was in La Bamba. Oh, I know her. In Rush Hour. She died very young. Uh-huh.

She did. Yeah. Great dude. This is, I highly recommend. All right. I want to check this out. I love a Western. I'm a big Western. I love the nineties. It's real good. 96. Okay. What can you give me a little premise plot? Yeah. It's basically, he's the town sheriff and, uh,

And his dad was the town sheriff before him, and they discover a body, and they think it's the body of this other sheriff, and they think maybe his dad was the murderer, and his dad has this spotless reputation, and certain things come to light. Oh, baby. It's a slow burn, the way it unravels, but man, the construction is so good. There's so many characters, and they all kind of serve a purpose. It's great. I'm on it. It's an old school, like it's very literary. It's old school, and it feels like,

I don't think it's based on a book, but it feels like, I love movies that feel like books in a good way. Yeah. Isn't it crazy that like there's just movies that just slip through the cracks? This is one of them, dude. But I looked it up. It's got like high audience and critic score. And it's, I bought it. I just bought it on a DVD because I heard it was really good.

That's a good feeling when you buy it off a shot and it turns out great. Yeah. There's so many good noirs in the 90s that I just didn't know about. One of the ones I wrecked on here was The Simple Plan. I fucking love them. Great movie. I love Simple Plan. It's like that type of forgotten awesome movie. I watched Simple Plan recently. Sam Raimi. I saw that in the theaters. I loved it. Whoa. Incredible. Yeah, what do you got? What's your wreck? I got two big fat movie wrecks. Hit me right in the pooper. One new...

One old, maybe you've seen it, documentary called Flipside. Do you know about Flipside? Flipside. Chuck, our podcast producer, sent me the trailer. Pull up a little bit of this trailer. Can you show a trailer? It's new. It's new.

This movie has all kinds of feel. It's about a record store, but also about a midlife crisis, about art and creating art. You guys will really relate and connect. Really? Unbelievable. It's emotional. It's beautiful. Oh, I can't wait. I don't know if we're allowed to show this. This is the whole movie. What town? This is out in Jersey. It's 1993. I'm 22 years old, and I never leave the house without my Hi8 camera.

A multiple award-winning documentary called The Target Shoots First. Documentarian Crystal Chet joins us this morning. Slick TV commercials.

Yeah, it's all about... I mean, it's just really amazing. It comes all about midlife crisis and creating art. And then, like, it's just really beautiful. You've got to deal with Judd. But it's all about this guy who created... Deadwood is in there. There's this jazz photographer in there. It's this guy.

There's so much going on. It's so well done. It's like a masterpiece. Wow. All based on this guy who owns a record store. Huh. But it makes you nostalgic. It looks like Kurt Metzger. Oh, yeah. So it starts about a record store, but he actually goes inward on himself. Yeah, so basically this guy, he's a big, famous commercial director, and then he did, what's this show called? Who's the guy on fucking...

My mind is mush now. Hit me with it. Not PBS, but NPR. Ira Glass. Ira Glass. He directed Ira Glass's show, and he kind of feels like he becomes a sellout.

But then he's this beautiful artist. Yeah, he did the TV show. Oh, that was really good. It is a beautiful film. I had Matt Wayne watch it. He's like, I was crying the whole time. I found the feels. It's beautiful. I can't wait. I'll watch it tonight. Must watch. And the other one, maybe you saw this film, French Film Tell No One. It's good. No, I never heard of it. What's that? 2008.

I'll just give you the poster, the quote. The blurb. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. This is based on a book by Harlan Coben, right? Maybe. I read this one. Yeah, it's a good book. Get this. Oh, yeah, yeah. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. Today, she emailed him. Yeah, yeah. It's the book. Oh, yeah.

That's a slug right there. It's something. There's tits, there's murder, there's thrill, there's tits. I love it. It is. This is a... And I didn't realize how many people had seen this movie because I posted it and like 50 people were like the best. How about that one scene? 93%. I'm going to check it out. Yeah, this guy writes like just... He's written like 50 books or something. He just burns them out. He's like a... You see his shit at the airport all the time, but he just...

uh all this stuff is like the twists are crazy yeah oh it's really awesome a lot of twists and um

Fantastic. Yeah, so those are my two movie recs. Good recs. I'm going to watch this movie. I'm going to watch them both. Yeah, please. Sarah, you got a rec? I only have one rec and I can't remember the name of the movie. Perfect. We'll figure it out. We watched it together. It's got Anne Hathaway in it. She's big. And she works. Brokeback Mountain? She gets fired to work at a- Devil Wears Prada. No, at a-

a like a prison a therapist and it's set in like the we watched this we i think we watched it and has a good um eileen oh yeah yeah yeah oh that's based on a book too and i like the twist i wasn't expecting it and it was really good it's dark slow burn dark yeah yeah yeah

Okay. That's good. 82. We're dropping off a little for Sarah's pick, but she's a woman. You got to scale. I don't get to watch a lot of stuff these days because I'm just watching our kid. Yes. Boy, she's a good looking lady, huh? Oh, absolutely. She was great in this. You see her cans in Brokeback. That's why I watch it all the time. Pull them up. As if they were to be like, to make up for all this gay shit. Yeah, yeah. Here's some tips. A nice set of big, juicy cans. Yeah. I hear she's a nightmare to hang out with, but great jugs.

Yeah, that movie's good. That's my rec. Good one. I gotta tell you, I just watched Going Clear, but on a Gibney doc. It's a good one. I love Gibney. Yeah. Do you see the Paul Simon? Yeah. Snoozefest.

Yeah, it wasn't the best. It wasn't the best. His best work is Catching Hell, the 30 for 30 about Bartman. That's like his best movie, I think. Oh, man. It's amazing. Oh, it's the best 30 for 30. Really? Well, you guys both watched the Pete Rose. Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. It was good. I got to watch that. Gibney's daughter we worked with on a short film. She was at NYU. She was like- DP, right? Yeah, she was doing DP work, yeah. Double penetration. That's what she was doing. Okay.

That should have made me laugh that hard. No, that was just sitting there. That Gonzo doc is awesome also. Oh, yeah, that's great. Love a good doc. You ever seen the exit to the gift shop? Oh, yeah. Did you watch Tickled? Yeah, that was fun. Tickled was great, yeah. That's another one. That's a weird one, right? It was good. I like a doc where it begins, they're working on this, and then they take a hard left and get sidetracked with this other project. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I like that one.

By the way, new doc coming, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, coming soon. Portrait of a Comedian. Where can we see it? It's going to be, we're going to do a screening in New York. Trying to do October. It's in the works right now. I just had a talk today. We're going to try to get it. You guys got to come and check it out. But probably in October. You're in there. You're in there for a second. I'll take it.

And we got into a big festival that we can't announce yet, but that's exciting. I think it's going to play at Skank Fest. And maybe they'll go on Punch-Up. Are you guys on Punch-Up? Punch-Up is great. Follow us all on Punch-Up. Punch-Up.live slash all of our names. Punch-Up.live slash Joe List. Sarah, are you on it as well? No. It's great. I'm thinking about it with my special with the YouTube monetization. Who does?

Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. All our tour dates, a bunch of extra stuff. And yeah, I'm pumped to see this doc, man. Yeah, I think it's really good. I mean, obviously, I think it's good. It's like your baby looking cute. But I think it's really good. I think there's some emotion. There's a lot of stand-up. It's about regret and sobriety and friendship. And Tom is just hilarious. You guys know Tom. He's the funniest guy. Hilarious. And then Key West is a character itself. Perfect. Now, what about this piece of garbage is DP work?

Ah, were you able to? Salacuse was great. I mean, yeah, Salacuse was great, obviously. Yeah, of course. No, he was awesome. And Salacuse was a big part of it. He's an associate producer. He did great. He interviewed me, and I was annoyed. He was asking me. I'm like, what are you doing? I don't want to be interviewed. And it ended up being a key part that we needed in there. Oh, all right. And just a great travel partner, Salacuse. It was a three-man operation. It was me, Patrick Holbert, and Salacuse.

Patrick Holbert, by the way, shout out to him. Wonderful comedian. If you ever need video stuff, leave this shithole. He's the best. He is the top of the line. Matt didn't smile. I feel weird now. He's tough not to crack. It's a real passion project. It cost me more money than I want Sarah to know, but it's really good, I think. In the grand scheme of movie making, pretty cheap.

Yeah. Yes. It costs a lot less than Jurassic Park, but it's coming straight out of my wallet, for God's sakes. But I think with those ways, we might be able to make it back maybe. And also, if you haven't seen Joe's movie, I'm sure a lot of you have seen it, but Fourth of July, that Sarah's also in, great movie. Oh, yeah. Where's that at? Where is that? Louis site? It's on everything now. It's on streaming. I think it's on Amazon now. Oh, how cool is that? Yeah, I think it went everywhere now. It got a nice little bump from that. Do you get like a nickel? I guess that goes to Louis.

No, we never recuperated our money. Look at those scores, huh?

But the audience score is like 88% or something like that. Worse than Eileen. Yeah, look at that. 89% box office. Yeah, well, you were, I think, getting criticized for something else, too. That wasn't... Oh, there was 89, yeah. We were on a curve. Yeah. I thought it was terrific. Oh, thanks. Everybody liked it that saw it. And what was I going to say about that movie? I forget. But yeah, it's everywhere now. You can go check that out. Boy, they throw that box office...

right up there, don't they? Yeah. Good Lord. They really kind of nailed it. Yeah, but you know what? If you look at some other movies that had like...

a big production behind it some of them are making that amount oh we beat the leonard cohen doc that came out the same week that was a good doc yeah yeah we've got more money on that but uh no i'm not making any money on it but i made money because i was like i made like union money but louis hasn't recuperated his money but i think he will eventually at some point yeah yeah same thing happened with a horse and pete i think everybody was like what the fuck is this thing and then he sold it for millions to fx or something

Yeah, but it was awesome. And then while we're plugging, can I just do one big show coming up? I feel like you guys have a lot of New Yorkers. November 9th.

Town Hall. Oh. New York City. It's a big deal. I'm doing all these other clubs. You just find all my dates at Punch-Up. But Town Hall, November 9th. Very excited about that. Buy tickets, guys. That's going to be big. That's going to sell out. I hope so. So we got a nice chunk, but I got to fill it up. November 9th, Town Hall during the New York Comedy Festival. And yeah, those are my main. You think you got a hot new 50? Yeah, I'm shooting in October.

We just had that come. Wow. What the hell? You keep pumping it out. Well, I'm trying. Wow. But yeah, so do that. And then why are you going to shoot? I think Zany's Chicago Rosemont. Are you definitely doing it or not? Sure. I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, pretty sure. I'm actually going to shoot downtown and Rosemont. And then either maybe cut it together, but at least have one and then have some for bonus. I love it. I like clubs. I like doing the clubs. And Louie always says, you should shoot your special in the venues that you're doing. It's like I do the Wilbur and I'm doing Town Hall. And I did a big room in Chicago before, but I'm like, I don't want to be the guy that comes out in a stadium. But I'm like, I like the club. Some specials, I'm like, this looks like it was filmed in it.

hangar. Oh, for sure. Yeah, those ones are kind of shot in studios. What a weird place to shoot this. And that Regan improv, whichever one that is. I walked the moon. My number one all time. Yeah, one of the great specials and you feel like you're at the club. It's so good. I love it. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm excited. We'll see. What do you got, Tolomache? I got my special coming out

That one's old. I should update my website. God, you look gorgeous, Sarah. September 5th, shot at Grove 34. I was almost like nine months pregnant. Wow. Fun. Yeah, and it's called But Whole Money. September 5th. But Whole Money. Watch it. Sarah's a great joke writer and lover jokes. Definitely watch this special. Yes, good comic. Another one already up, The Leptious Boy. It's darker.

All right, Scott, I feel like the jokes are more fun than I usually get to do. Oh, all right. Do you want to do a bit or should we just do days? Oh, sorry. I started prematurely. I think I used all my bits on the last show. I didn't think about it. Sorry. Can I try one? I want to try this tonight. I got a thing, too. I just want to try it tonight. Is this anything that's a quick one? My girlfriend always cleans my apartment and then complains I don't hire a cleaning lady. She's like, why don't you hire a cleaning lady? I'm like, well, the same reason I don't get a prostitute. You're crushing it.

That's funny. Is that something? All right, I'll try it tonight. I just want to run one. Yeah, no, that's hilarious. I'm going to try it tonight. That's funny. That's really funny. Think of this. Yeah. No, I'll give it a shot. I just want to make sure it's not trash. No, no, that's good. This kills, but I don't know where to go or what to add with it. But this is a true story. I was walking to the airport and a guy walked by and just pointed like this. He goes, comedian.

I'm like, oh, thank you. I don't know. Like, that's the level I'm at. People don't say like, I love you. You're hilarious. Oh, my name. He just put like literally like this comedian. They do that with a lawyer. Yeah. I tried. I'm like, yeah.

Accountant. But yeah, that was a funny thing that happened. Have you tried just that? No, I've done it a few times and it gets like a huge laugh, but then you're just one of those things where you're like, all right, that's the end of that. I like the line, that's the level I'm at is funny. Right, right.

I'm not getting an oh my god. Right. Acknowledge of what I do for a living. Don't even want a photo. Right. That could be a funny follow up. Do you want a photo? I'm good. Yeah. I know who you are. Can you guess what he does? Yeah. Maybe that could be something. Oh yeah. Alcoholics. What do you look like?

Just a guy. I mean, it was like literally like he was moving fast. Like he looked like, I mean, he looked like 100% of the people that know who I am. Like a 38-year-old guy in a hoodie with some stubble. Maybe it's the nicest thing anyone has said to you that's just walking by. You know, it's usually like homo. Fuck you. Yeah, piece of shit. Tiny dick. Yeah, this guy, you're like, I'll take it. I just remember we had a kid here. Isn't that weird? Oh, right. It's so easy to forget that you're like, we have a baby in the other room. You should have someone watching it. He's in the car. Yeah, that's fine. He's in the car.

We just have a moment. There's a moment where you're like, you're ready to come out there and you're like, he's just bleeding. It's only like 78. Can you crack a window in the car? All right. Maybe I got one that's similar, but it's got no ending. Oh, perfect. Okay, sorry. Oof.

So I got this idea where I saw a guy puke on the subway car, like puked right on it. A guy saw it, he puked. Because, you know, he's like, and then I got a whiff and I almost yacked. And I thought, it's weird a puking makes you have to puke. And I thought, why can't orgasms be like that? And that hits. And then I go, that would actually make the guy rubbing around the subway like a good thing.

thing. You know, now you see a guy like rubbing out, you're like, look at this piece of... That's funny. But then I don't know where to go. So I got the two laughs there and then nothing. Well, I would do the... You gotta start rubbing it out too in order to get an orgasm. Like pukes only smell, right? Oh. Like what are you... Yeah. I guess I went off smell. It's just like I saw a guy puke. But yeah, orgasm. Yeah, that's a good point. I would go the other way though. I'm like, then a guy drinking up the subway would really be a problem. Oh.

Now we're all showing up at work with cum in our pants. Like now, that's kind of also funny to downplay a problem. It's not really a problem for me. A guy jerking off the subway, I'm just like, well, whatever, I'll look the other way. But in that case, I'd be like, oh, my pants are ruined. That's better. Shit, I shouldn't have worn white pants. Right. Well, everyone will want to ride the subway now. Yeah, yeah. We'll pay our debt back.

I'm just downstairs at the 42nd Street subway all day waiting for a guy to start jerking off. Right. I'll break my wife. She can finally get up. Yeah, that's really funny. I like that it's a problem more. Yeah. Because I went with, hey, this is great. Right. But that's less funny. Okay, okay. But the whole idea, though, of puke making you puke and cum making you cum is funny. Yeah, I like the turn. All right. Anything, Mom? Um...

This one recently, I don't know if it's kind of hacky, but I feel like no one's talked about this part of it. Do you know when you buy coffee and then the barista or the person that registers like,

Okay, I'm just going to turn the iPad around. It's going to ask you a question where I'm like, why do they act like they don't know what the question is? Oh, yeah. It's the tip, right? Yeah, it's the tip. But why are they just like, you know, it's beyond their control. Like, we don't know what this thing does. I don't know. What did it say? Did it call you a c**t? Yeah. I just act like it asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Right, right. I'd rather that than the tip. That's funny.

Do you swallow? All right, all right. Just let me give you 15% and move on. Or then I just thought about like, I also have an iPad.

I'm going to ask you a few questions. Did you flip yours over? Let's just stick two iPads talking to each other. But I just get annoyed that they don't have the balls to say it's going to ask you for a tip. Right. Yeah. I like that. I'm going to ask you a question is very. Like what? It's vague. No accountability. Yeah. Right. Right. Because I actually tip somebody on the Upper East at one of these events.

Oh, I was furious. Where they just grab your thing for you. And it was so expensive. And Joe was like, what do you do? No, I was like, no, no, no, no. We don't want to do that. I just did it as like people pleasing, like automatically, just like 20. And just like, no. And the guy was like. And the guy couldn't return. It already went through. Oh.

It was literally a bodega where you get your own food and hand it to the guy and then he scans it and then Sarah tipped 20% and it was the Upper East so it was like 40 bucks. It was like granola and yogurt. It was $40. Just go boop, boop,

And they get used to it. Then if you don't do it, they give you a look. Right. You're the asshole. You bought a car. Oh, you already tipped 20% on the car. Sorry. Sorry. You're in debt. What about with the iPad? Just to throw it back on them, she's like, it's going to ask you a question and you go, I can't read. Yeah. So now she's got to say it. Oh, that's not bad. Right. That's not bad.

That's good. I can't read. She's like, there's actually no words. I like that I can't read. It's just a dollar sign. It's just numbers. I can't read numbers either. I'm blind. I'm so stupid. I'm blind to something. I'm Amish. I don't know what this is. The one benefit to being blind. Yeah, no less tipping. You're like, oh, there's a 20. Give him a dollar. That's not bad. I'm tired of tipping. We all are. It's an epidemic.

These people with their iPads and whatnot. The worst one I had was in Key West. It was like a cigar stand on the side of the road. And I walked up. I know exactly what I want and where it is. I go. I grab it. I walk over. I hand it. It scans it. It's the iPad. And it's got a tip option. I'm like, well, what would it do the tip for? Yes, exactly. You're just sitting there. Yeah. And then people go like, well, these are hard times for people. The economy is out of control. You're like, but it's out of control for me, too. Right. Yeah. Is it? Yeah.

Things are going well. Yeah. I don't know that. Q-Bass has got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip-flops. Comedian. Comedian. Yeah, plug some dates. I mean, you've got the town hall gig coming up. Where else are you going to be? I've got Philly Helium, first weekend in October. Portland Helium, September 13th and 14th, 12th, 13th, 14th. Indianapolis, I haven't been there since the 80s. September 20th, 21st.

And then I'll be at Skank Fest, of course. Never miss it. Philly, yeah. Philly actually will sell out, so make sure you get those tickets early. Royal Oak, Michigan, October 18th, 19th, 20. Great clubs. Love them. Oh, yeah. I love that place. And then Kansas City actually got moved to January. And San Diego, December. First time working that city in my whole life. What? What?

You're going to love that one. American Comedy Co. That's a great comedy town. Yeah, town hall is a big one for sure. Hell yeah. All right, folks. Get some Bodega Cat. Bodegacatwhiskey.com.

seller it's crushing in new york right now sold out yeah when does this come out oh start it'll be back by that oh yeah niagara falls uh september 13th that's a one-nighter casino that'll be fun then i'm hitting europe london whoa belfast dublin oh paris added show and amsterdam added show so please uh help me sell those out copenhagen oslo looking fucking rough

Stockholm. And then I'm back at Hilarity's in November. I'm going to add some more dates, some more club dates to get cooking again. Punchup.live slash Joe List. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. And punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going to be? Hey.

Coming to St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Come out to that Newport, Rhode Island for that Rogue Island Comedy Festival, Monterey, Oakland, Winnipeg, Pegme, Cleveland. I'm also doing hilarities before Sam, so I'm sneaking in. He's getting sloppy seconds. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo.

Chicago Theater. That's a fun one. Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, wherever that is, and Charleston, Nashville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood. So yeah, check it out. Get on the Punch Shop.

Watch Sarah's special. Go to Town Hall. Check out Amazon. We all got stuff out there. Give it a go. Give it a look. YouTube butthole money. Yes. It'll be out by the time this airs. Hell yeah. Yeah, good Soundgarden song. Thanks, folks. Get a bottle. We'll see you in hell.

Okay.

I really do.

I don't like being sober. You're looking good, I think we might be drunk now. And just like we should, we drink to bring the funk out. You're looking good, I think we might be drunk now.