Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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Hey, hey, folks, here we are. We're here, we're queer, we got the Winchester, the Winston, Zettimore. Wingus. Wingus. Maxi Pad with wings. Wingosity. Yeah. Something else. TV show, remember that on USA? Wings. With Tony Shalhoub and... He's been around. The other guy...

Thomas Hayden Church. I used to love that show. Yeah, man. That was about an airport in Cape Cod. I never watched it. I remember it. Oh, I watched a lot of USA. Remember USA? Up all night. No. With Rhonda Shearer? Oh, man. She was hot. Damn.

Did a lot of... Oh, Steven Weber, yeah. Steven Weber. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and there was the hot guy, Tim Daly. Oh, yeah. Yes. He's still a hottie. Oh, yeah. He's like 70. I know, real dilf. The amount of puss he probably got off of this horrific show is mind-boggling.

Look at that, all white cast. Is that Penn from Penn and Teller? No. What was that? I can't see. My eyes suck. Mr. Belvedere, I think. I don't know. I can't keep up. The 90s. My dad plopped me in front of a TV and said, don't talk to me. That's the American way. Yeah. I got a lot of this. I'd go, Dad, you're not going to believe what happened at school. He would go.

And, you know, as a retarded nine-year-old, you're like, all right, it caught my attention. It's no different now, except it's a fucking iPad or something. Good point. Good point. I'm listening to this Jonathan Haidt. You hear about this guy? No. He's a NYU professor. He's like cracking down on phones. He's like, phones are ruining our youth. We got to stop the social media. Highly recommend this guy. But I listen to a podcast with him and there he is.

And he's just making some great points. Looks like Epstein. Well, he's a New York Jew, but look at all these books he's written. The Anxious Generation, Friends with Seinfeld. All right. You should use it as an icebreaker. I thought about that. I thought about going, hey, Jerry, you heard this pod yet? Oh, yeah. Little bodega cat. Hey, hey. Nice and early. It's 8 a.m. over here in New York. Um...

You drink hard this weekend? I did, yeah. By the way, that guy a wreck? Jonathan Haidt? Yeah, I'll wreck Haidt, yeah. Good guy, good writer. He's got great points. Where were you drinking? I had a spot in Richmond, Tennessee.

Do you hit Pearly's? I forgot about Pearly's. Oh, sorry, Wingus. Don't wake the dead. Me and Chris Allen were driving from Richmond to Greensboro. We're like two hours in. We're like, we forgot to go to Pearly's. He likes Pearly's? He loves Pearly's. He lives in D.C., so he knows the area. God, Pearly's fucking rules. So good. I've been before. Loved it.

Flight canceled. Had to get another flight with a connection. We had to push the show an hour late. Brutal. Animals. Delta, what are you doing out there? Delta's killing us. I know. They were the number one. Yeah. They were the best. They always fall sooner or later. Yeah, I got loaded. I was in a casino gig with Chrissy D, Nemat. Woo!

Rachel. Nemesh stays like downtown. He wants to be in like a cool park. Chris and I are like, yeah, we'll do the casino or whatever. What city? We're in Prior Lake, Minnesota. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. It's a cool, it's a decent casino. I was going to say cool. It's fine. Mystic Lake Casino. Okay. You know that one. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah. We do that. We do a gig. Great crowd.

Nimesh is like, you got to come for this chicken. We look on Uber. We're like 35 minutes away. Oh, great. Like 1030. And we're riffing on stage. He's like, I got a reservation. We're like, ah. Ugh. You're staying in the casino, right? Yeah, yeah. Come on. So I was like, fuck that. And Chris's whole family with him. His daughter's fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah. She's really funny. We're at the airport. Chris goes, look, it's Sam. She goes, ugh. Ugh.

He goes, ugh, is Nemesh going to be here too? Oh, man. I did his podcast at his house, and his daughter walked in the frame. We're all on mic, and she goes, who's that? Pointing at some guy on TV. She goes, he looks like an asshole. Oh, yeah. We lost it. She's...

She's been around a comedian too much. Yes. To the point that she now insults me nonstop. And I was like, does your kid hate me? She's like, no. She's like, it's like your term of endearment. Yeah, she's riffing. She thinks she's Rickles. She's like nine years old. She's like, look at this ugly guy. I'm like, she's like, because I look bad. I don't know.

She goes, look at your teeth. What's wrong with your teeth? Jesus Christ. I was like, you know. You got nice teeth. I just got them whitened. Thanks for noticing. Yeah, but she's hilarious. And then we end up in D.C. We end up at...

We end up just going to this place, Shaw's Crab House. I go there every time I'm in Chicago. That's right up my anal. I don't even know what it is, but I'm in. Veeder found it originally. Yes. It's a Gary Doesn't Miss find. Veeder can find crabs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he finds them. And every time I'm in one of these places, I think of that Richard Jenny joke with the lobsters in the tank. Oh, so good. They all have that look on their face like, any word from the governor? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Such a good bit. So good. But yeah, we get loaded there. Wow. You know, his partner's with us, Jazz, you know. Oh, yeah. She's a good looking lady. At one point, at one point, one flight, she walks by in yoga pants and bends over and Chris like points to his wife's butt like, check this out. She does have quite the rump. I used to follow her on Instagram. I stopped. Are you unfollowed? What?

You get married. You don't want to... Your wife sees who you follow. I don't want to be looking at another guy, a friend of mine's wife, while I'm married. But when you're single, it's okay to look at his girlfriend? Yeah, I'd say so. It always weird is when you follow the ex, and then they break up, and you're like, oh, cool, that chick that ruined my friend's life got into yoga, I guess. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we're at dinner. We're getting loaded. It starts with just a round of martinis.

Then we felt like we were in Mad Men. It was like another round of martinis. I was like, what the hell? No stopping now. We start getting loaded. Then he's like, another round. I'm like, all right, another round. We just keep doing them. We keep throwing them down. And then- Booze and crabs, too. What a fun night. Cracking them open. You got the bib on, the cocktail. That's the best. Good sushi there, too. Everything's good there, man. The kids get their mac and cheese. It's killer. It's got like a PJ Clark's type of vibe. Love it. The seafood and the-

And the good martinis. So then Chris was like, let's go on a architecture tour. I'm like, looking at my phone. I'm like, all right. At this hour? It's like nine. Yeah. He's like, come on. The kids will be into it. The kids are like passed out, too. We get on the boat. It's like one of those things. Boat? Yeah, yeah. It's like a river tour. Whoa. So we get on the boat, and it's a woman leading this boat.

And as a woman, like it's her show. So she's like making jokes. Uh-huh. And, you know, not great. But she's like, no talking while I'm talking. No TikToks open. And I'm like, did we just get hammered? And now we just have to like look at each other in silence? The kids are passed out on Chris. We're just like looking at each other like, oh, all right. Wow. I can't believe you went on the boat at night. Yeah.

Jazz apparently got sick from the oysters. Oh! I will say I had fucking some mean diarrhea. Yeah. You know when you try to hit the gym the next day, and you're like, I'm going to hit the gym. I left twice to take a shit. Wow. It was bad. Damn.

And then I had to go do Pardon My Take in Chicago. They'd have you do the gauntlet, that thing where it's like an athletic challenge. Let's just say my time was not good. And it sucks when you're like, well, I do have diarrhea and I'm hungover. And they're like, no excuses? You're like, no excuses. Yeah. Well, that's a bad combo. Seafood, booze, seasick. That's a rough thing on the stomach there. Yeah. That is hard. But you made it. You showed up. It's a lot. We were bombed. We were both singing that song.

The song from all that jazz. I think I'm gonna die. Ah.

What the fuck's wrong with these people? And shout out to the kids for hanging in there. Most kids go to bed at like 6 p.m. These kids are on a riverboat. They were out cold. Okay. Yeah. Just out on a boat? Yeah. That's wild. Good life. They live a good life. Those tour guides, they always try to be funny. They always try to riff because they have no competition. Because it's crazy. I think Tim Dillon was a tour guide. Right. He was probably funny. He's up on the double-decker like, ah, then Masad owns this house. Yeah.

He probably got discovered. Yeah. There we are. Look at us. Wow. That's great. Yeah, we had a few of those. No Rachel? She was in... No, Chris just happened to go to Chicago with his family. Oh, okay. So I was there afterwards to do part of my take. Got it. Because it's not far from Minnesota. No, we were in Minnesota together. Got it. Yeah, we were hanging in Minnesota. We were throwing back some...

It's one of those weird, like, we can't get you alcohol. Yeah. One of those weird casinos. I don't know. Dry, weird. He was like, the watchachiti people. I'm like, of course. Yes. The watchachiti. Some spirit reason. I don't know. I don't know. Every Native American I've met is shithoused. Yeah. So what the hell? Come on. Yeah, but they're allowed to, but they don't let the others. Ah.

Oh, yeah, true. Maybe it's bad for the entertainment. I don't know. That makes sense. There was one comic who came in and ruined that shit. That's true. Anytime you go to a comedy club, they're like, Vic Henley was here in 97. He had six bottles of Patron. Yeah, that's true. Oh, cool, so now we have to pay for it, you know? And then you do the gig, and they're like, we'll get you a vodka soda, and they give it to you in a sippy cup with a lid and a squirrely straw. You're like, what is this? They give Vita an even smaller one. One time I did a gig at the Miami Improv.

Are you doing that soon? I did it a couple weeks ago. Okay. I love that room. It's a great room. That staff is awesome. Great staff. Shout out Justin, Melissa. Awesome. The best. They bought me New Balances once just to be nice. That's, what's his name, Komen. Yes. Yeah, yeah. They were a little too flashy. I've never worn them. I want to see them. They're purple and neon. Purple? They're super cool, but I feel guilty I've never worn them, but they did such a nice gesture. I feel awful. Yo, these are the New Balance grimaces right here.

We got the Barneys. So they pick you up in a limo. It's like the 80s. They pick you up in a limo and it's some cool Hispanic guy with aviators on. He's like, yo, SA, what you getting into tonight? I'm like, you're hungover from the flight. I'm like, ah, you know, whatever the town brings me. He goes, you need Coke? You need whores? I got you. And I'm like, oh. And I was like, who else did you get some whores for? And he goes, John Panette.

Wow. Apparently, Panette would ask for a bottle of tequila when he landed, some blow, and then hookers at night. Yeah, Jesus Christ. That guy had an appetite for a lot, I guess. Yeah. Blowing to be eating that much is weird. Crazy. That ain't good. Farley, too. Farley was a big blow guy. That's right. Yeah, when you're fat and you do blow, your heart is like, what are you doing to me, dude? I know. Why are you doing this? Yeah.

But it's all those fat dudes. I was watching a Babe Ruth doc, and it's pretty bad. It's on Max. I mean, he's amazing. It is funny that there's just no black people playing. They're like, this is the greatest athlete I've ever seen. I'm like, not one black Dominican. He didn't have to go against any of the... There's some Negro Leagues guys putting up some crazy numbers. Sure. But he was amazing. There's no denying Babe Ruth was amazing. And you look at what he ate. Crazy. Four hot dogs for lunch.

Two ribeyes for dinner, a ton of booze, a giant Coca-Cola. Even when he's not drinking alcohol, he's just drinking like sugar water. And cigars. Cigars. Scotch. Sausage. Wow. Eight egg breakfast. And there's one line. It's just like a hero worship documentary. It's like a PR fluff piece where, you know, they're like, Babe Ruth adopted a kid with a woman and then he walked out on her. Anyway, Babe Ruth...

The things he did for those cancer-ridden children were the Lord's work.

Yeah. What did he die at? Like 54? 50. Okay, there you go. I think he had some sort of cancer. They didn't even tell him he had cancer. That was the weird part. Whoa, really? They were like, yeah, you're just not well. It was back in the day. They're like, oh, 53. I was wrong. They didn't want to upset him. Yeah. It was like, by the way, I would be pretty upset if you didn't tell me I was dying. Yeah, right? I mean, well, they want to keep playing, I guess. But he was a fucking booze bag party animal. And then he just like...

He had kind of a sad end of his life. Sure. But, you know, when you are flying that high that young. Yeah. Give me a wide shot, no pun intended, of Babe Ruth. Because even with the steaks and the booze and the cigars and the hot dogs and the Coca-Cola, he still is thinner than my uncle.

Who is like a tax attorney. He was, and they show clips of him, and they're like, he was so fast. Yeah. All the clips are sped up, though. Just like spinning around. I'm like, all right, well, he might have... Apparently, he was fast. Yeah, he looked fast. His little legs could really go, but he's not even that huge. He's got the body type of Winnie. Kind of the hefty, the little legs, but the... The fat middle, like he's one long chode. But yeah, he's not even... I guess he's pretty big there, but...

Man, is he an ugly son of a B. No one looks like him. No, no. It's not a normal face. My ex, but I had to get out. Oh, there he is with the Asians. That's fun. Oh, man. He was iconic, though. Oh, yeah. I mean...

Everyone loved him on the team. He was like the party animal playing cards, like getting loaded all night. Love it. Took you under his wing. Like that must have been pretty cool. And it was back when sports figures were like, they were like gods. You know, they're like, oh, the babe. There he is. He's seven foot tall if he's a foot. He can crack a bat.

20 million miles, you know, that whole thing. It was almost like a Superman figure. Exactly. And like the type of legend who would refer to himself in third person and wasn't annoying. Yeah. Go to this restaurant and tell them the babe sent you. You know? But he, it's pretty cool the way he, like, he did lift up his teammates. I mean, it was, he's iconic.

But the doc was so bad. It's just people being like, he was the greatest man who ever lived. Right, right. We loved Babe Ruth. Come on. I watched the Yogi Berra doc. I bet that was good. It's good, but not as they're like, he was a little dumb, a little slow, immigrant family, barely spoke English, big wop, ugly guinea, about four foot one. They really gave him the business. He was awesome, though. So cool. It ain't over till it's over is the most iconic.

Sports quote. He's got a deja vu all over again. I mean, his lines are like Groucho Marx-esque, but the beauty is he didn't know he was saying funny. He wasn't trying to be funny. He was just kind of slow. Yeah. And he was just saying it was almost like a kid talking where you're like, oh, that's kind of brilliant, but you don't even know it.

Yeah, there's a story. He was on the team with DiMaggio, and there was one time he grounded out to shortstop or whatever, and he didn't hustle. And he came back to the dugout. He goes, oh, you're just not going to run? And he never didn't hustle. All it took was one comment. Oh, good. Like, you think you're better than us? Yeah. Like, fuck you. You hustle. Hell yeah. Yeah, I love it. I've been on a YouTube kick with, speaking of iconic, I watched a Michael Jackson video.

dance scene from the MTV Movie Awards in 1995. It's unbelievable. He was unreal. It's like Broadway level Hamilton, Cats, Les Mis. It's the choreography. Cats? Well, all right. He's fucking crushing cats. What are we doing here? Well, it's just so good. Don't fuck with cats. But he's like...

It's like 15 minutes long and he never stops dancing. At one point he gives like a motivational thing in the middle and he's out of breath and then he goes right back to dancing. Four costume changes. At the end he brings all the kids on stage and he hugs them all. That was weird. But great. It's like you don't see that anymore. There's no message. There's no like, hey, we got to end apartheid or whatever. He's just like...

Killing it, and it's raw talent. It's amazing when you think, like, a lot of people think of Michael Jackson as unhealthy, a drug addict, right? Yeah. And then you see he's in that kind of, like, athlete shape. Athlete. Like, think about, I'll walk up, like, four flights of stairs, and I'm like... Oh, yeah, same. You know? And he does the moon... I got chills. He did the moonwalk, and everybody goes...

It's like Elvis. Oh, dude, I was watching. It's so weird you said that. I went on a Michael Jackson music video kick recently. I'm watching like Smooth Criminal. Oh, yeah. And Thriller. Yes. They're fucking movies. They're movies. They're legit movies. I think John Landis did Thriller. Did he? I think one of those guys did Thriller. Someone big did, yeah. The real director. Yeah, he's such an artist. It's incredible. Yeah, you're right. Oh, wow.

He did a... You got to think, this kid's been performing since he was like five. And he just became, over years, 10,000 hours. It's like learning a language when you're a baby. You just speak Spanish to a baby and the baby grows up speaking Spanish. Yes. Oh, he doesn't know how not to speak Spanish. Right. So, you know, this is basically child slavery. Yeah. But... But we got the best. We got the pyramid. We got the best. Yes, exactly. Tiger Woods playing golf.

At like two years old doing putts. It's not a good childhood. Sure, but it's great for the viewer. Yeah. Child abuse when it works. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, if you channel child abuse into a skill, it's pretty amazing. Pretty cool. Because it's just so many hours of it. Scorsese, what did he do? Wait, what about Dan Aykroyd? Oh, he did Bad. Hoyt Schermerhorn, Subway Stop, by the way. Bad's filmed. No shit. Yeah, yeah. What did Aykroyd do?

Ackroyd did bad as well? No. He appeared in Lib-Liberian Girl video. Oh, never heard of that one. But it's crazy, too, when you start thinking, I'm watching the Michael Jackson thing, and I'm just thinking about the 90s, and I'm like, okay, so he's the king of pop. And then they cut to Lisa Marie Presley in the audience, and I'm like, oh, wow. He's fucking Elvis' daughter. He used to be black. Now he's white. Wow. And he's a pet. There's so many layers to Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's crazy. I never even put all that together. Elvis wanted to be black. Yeah. Maybe on some level he's glad an ex-black guy is fucking his daughter. It's like an onion. Elvis wanted to be black like now. Wait. You don't want to be black in the 50s. That's true. Yeah. You want to be black with your rights. Right. You know? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But damn, I mean, he was fucking iconic. Iconic. Michael Jackson. Incredible. Remember where he were when he died?

No, but I remember Kurt Metzger's joke about it. Oh, what's that? Was that again? He was at his grandmother's funeral and someone walked in like, something horrible has happened. That's great. Farrah Fawcett died the same day. No one cared. I remember I was on a... Okay, I remember...

I don't remember where it was the moment he died, but I remember where it was that night. I did my old show at the Sage Theater. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Ted Alexander came on stage. 50. Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died, and Ted Alexander was open or crushed. He just goes, wow, what a day. Shaq to the Cavs? Crazy. Crushed.

Perfect. Perfect. Because, like, you know, Farrah Fawcett. Imagine dying the same day as Michael Jackson. Insane. Insane. Only 50. He had another 10 years in him. Realistically, maybe. I'm saying, like, probably performing. Oh, I thought you meant living. Oh, no. No, no, no. But think of all the kids that didn't get diddled because he died early. It is. Oh, nine. Nine.

Do you think he was a diddler, or do you think he was just like a stunted childhood? Either way, it's gross, but one is way worse, obviously. Of course, yeah. I think he was definitely off with the kid shit. I think his childhood fucked him up, and I think he had some repressed weirdo trauma that he would take out on these kids. Like, I never had a childhood, so I love these innocent kids because they make me feel like a kid again, even something I never had.

But I do think if you're laying in bed with a kid after a couple of McNuggets, you're going to get a little handsy. It just kind of happens. You start cuddling. You have a few strawberry shakes and a few rides on that Ferris wheel and talk to the monkey. You know what's probably hard about being a pedo is eating what the kids eat and then still trying to perform. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You're trying to get hard after 20 McNuggets? That's not easy. Yeah, the dinosaur McNuggets? Come on. Those are tough, man. Yeah. You have a McFlurry, you're just like, it's not working. You know? Yeah, you get diabetes eventually from all the candy. That's a good point. I never thought about that. I had this thought the other day. My lady loves true crime, as every woman does. And there's all these horrific B actors who do the reenactments. You know, they're like...

And I'm like, these murderers are keeping these shitty actors in work. They're keeping them working. Yes. How much do you think they're really making? I mean... A Dateline actor, like the Adolf Hitler in the new Netflix one, where the whole time he's like...

I'm like, I mean, I don't think this is exactly Laurence Olivier. Yeah, that's true. It's just some dude who just is like, I'm like, it sucks when you can notice he's that bad an actor that they're overacting as like the background. Yeah. It's like when an extra tries to do it and you're like, no, just fucking walk by. Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly. There's a scene where like the guy comes in and you can tell he's mouthing because there's no dialogue. So he's like, your wife died. And the guy goes...

That's it. That's all it is. Yeah. And they show him with a scotch and he's just like, oh, it's all horrible. But I guess they're acting. You know, acting as you want to act. I got a movie rec for you. Okay. I might have texted to you already. Memories of Murder.

The guy who did Parasite. Boon Jung-hoo. Oh, he's good. Dude, it's so good. Memories of Murder. Is it old? It's his second movie. Okay, I've seen the train one. That's a good one. Spin? No. Something, yeah. Space Needle? Nothing. Snowpiercer. Snowpiercer! Close. Yeah, it's a good one, man. Oh, I'm all over it. It's a noir. Oh, hell yeah. It's dark. Koreans. Koreans.

Most talented Asians. I can back it up. When we're talking, like, film, they're pretty damn good. Yeah, 100%. I mean, they do Oldboy as well? If they did Oldboy. Yeah, yeah, they did. Okay, and this guy, he's amazing. And Squid Game was Korean. And BTS, I believe, is Korean. They make good stuff. Yes.

China obviously is maybe the most efficient of the Asians, and I think Japanese is the slickest with the karate and the, what do you call it, the dojo. I think China's got some big movies. Yeah, you're probably right. It's such a big country. I don't know enough about it. Oh, Okja was crazy. Something about the split between North and South, I think there's some

Some darkness. Some darkness there, and darkness leads to good art. I agree, man. Good noir. Yeah. All that good noir shit came post-World War II. I mean, Jews and black people, best comics, you know, because they have struggle there and all that. It's a lot of good non-Jew and black comics, too. Yeah, I guess you got Carlin, Burr, CK. Yeah, well, come on. Quinn. I think every group, you got to be funny. That's true. Funny is value.

That's true. Especially when you're young. Yeah. Survival. What is this? Chinese? Ah, look at this. What? Kung Fu Hustle. You got Crouching Tiger. That was pretty good. Kung Fu Hustle is kind of fun. This is all, this is bargain bin compared to Korea. Joy Luck Club. Get out of here. Good book. Was it? Oh, yeah. My mom, that's her favorite book. Really? Yeah. She's a reader.

She loved Joy Luck Club. Memories of Murder Good. You got a rec? Oh, you did rec. You rec'd the thing, right? I rec'd Jonathan Haidt. Check him out. His book's great. He's working on another one. I think I saw a good movie.

Damn, I rewatched Lion King. Still holds up. Lion King? So good. You gotta save these for the kid. What are you doing here? It's Hamlet. The music's great. The hyenas, Scar. It's great. Yeah. Good movie. I was on a plane. God, you must have been crying like a bitch. I was crying. The altitude of a movie like that. Oh, yeah. That's a true thing, by the way. Oh, yeah. That's real. That's why I never break up with a woman on a flight. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Imagine the 9-11 flight. They must have been just waterwork. It's already a scary moment. Best place to break up with a woman? A library.

Oh, gotta be quiet. That's good. You mother. Yeah. Look at the sign. Yeah. An old bit. I gave a friend of mine, black guy. Cause I couldn't do it. I was like, you ever want to quiet. If someone yells the N word and like a restaurant, everybody's like, what the fuck? And everybody gets quiet. So if you want somebody, if you, if a, if a library is too chatty, just have somebody yell the N word. And everybody's like,

He took the bit. I couldn't do it. We got to look up that bit to find out who took that. It was Baron Vaughn. Ah. Gave it to him. Is it weird pitching an N-word bit to a black comic? Well, I was like. It's a funny thing, right? I told him I have a funny idea. And he was like, oh, that's good. I was like, but I can't do it. Do you want it? He was like, sure. If you're not going to do it, I'll take it. And then you have to yell the N-word. That's the only way the bit works. You can't be like, N-word. It ruins it.

Yeah. As long as you don't give it to an Indian comic and then take it back. Messed up. Well, these Indian comics are acting pretty black. They are. These days. They are. What's going on there? What is that? Why did they get to do that? I don't know. You got your own culture, Indians. You got the chai tea and yoga. That's not your voice. Yeah. I want video footage from when you were young. Yes. Also...

you're stealing, stealing cultures from us. That's our thing. White guys, white guys steal culture. Yeah. And that's, so now you're stealing black culture and you're stealing, stealing culture from us. Right. So even if we're doing this wrong, you are kind of jumping on that train. Yeah. It's like, Oh, you want to colonize that? That's us. We colonize and we do it fucking well. Yeah. And I think Britain colonized India. Yeah.

Britain, they have their hands in everything bad. They've done so many bad things. That's true. We could pin the whole Middle East thing on Britain. We could really do it. You think? I mean, yeah, there's some... If you go to like the 40s, they did some shit where you're like, yeah, this is a little bit on you. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Do you know the difference between England, Britain, England, Great Britain, UK...

And I think there's another one. Do you know the difference? I'm terrible at it. No, I mean, yeah. Ireland's in there somewhere, right? Yeah, yeah. Scotland. Scotland's in the UK. Yeah. I'm terrible at this. I'm the wrong guy to ask. Although I will be playing there, so. Okay. I should cut this so I don't sound like a fucking moron. No, I think most Americans are way off on this. Yeah, I'm doing Belfast, Dublin, London, England.

Wow. Amsterdam, Oslo, Norway. Oh, that is Norway, Oslo. And Copenhagen and Stockholm. And I'm thinking about adding Berlin. I'm thinking about it.

Berlin's pretty cool. You liked it a lot. I liked it. My show was a little weird because the venue sucked, but just as I went to a sex club, I went to the wall. It's just like a crazy looking city. Everything's wacky and fun and interesting. It's a cool place. Worth seeing. But are you doing like a day off or are you just getting in and out?

I don't have a lot of days off. Okay. Unfortunately, I have a lot of days off in London, which I've been to a bunch. I have a day off in Paris. I have a day off. Oh, that's good. In some places. I think in Dublin, I have a day off. Oh, that's good, too. Yeah. All right. I wish I had another day in Amsterdam, but I don't. Ah, Amsterdam's pretty great. I'm going to try to fit in the Anne Frank house and the...

In the Van Gah Museum. Oh, yeah. That's worth it. Hey, you got to make an appointment. Yeah. Because so many people want to see that. Yeah. I'm going to have to call my agent. Like, you got to hook up Anne Frank tickets, dude. Yeah. I don't know how the Nazis got in there. They're adding a wing. They're like, we got to make this bigger. Yes. A hot ticket. That's true. That attic. I got to tell you, the attic is not that small. Yeah. As a New York liver, I'm like...

I can make this work. This is not bad. This is bigger than my first Bushwick apartment. Yeah, but it was a lot of people. That's true. That's true. And it was, you had to be quiet. Yeah, true. There were a lot of drawbacks. I wonder if the mom was about to complain. The dad's like, don't complain. That's what got us. Otto's alive.

no he's not well not anymore but he survived it i mean he's the only one who survived he's the only one and he said he read the diary and he was like oh my god i didn't know any of this like the daughter he he was like i didn't know her at all until i read the diary yeah he uh he tried to they almost got to the states he had a friend who was powerful and the letter was rejected whoa that was a crazy part of this shit man it's like having the uh

I think there was a boat of German Jews who tried to get to Cuba. Oh, wow. And they were just denied when they got there. What? They said they would let them in. They denied and they had to go back to Germany. Oh! Imagine, like, you're leaving Germany, like, fuck you, Nazi pieces of shit. And then you have to go back. You're like, ah. Oh!

Oh my God. I'm a bitch about a Delta flight over here. I know. I know. That boat ride was who knows how long. You gotta go right back. And guess what? We will bitch about a Delta flight again. Like you feel bad for like two minutes and then like 30 minutes later, they're like, we're going to circle for 20 minutes and you're like, no one has suffered more than me.

This is bullshit. That's so true. I do get it. That is a peeve when people are like, hey, what about what these people went through? I'm like, but I can still, if my hand gets cut off and your arm gets cut off, this still sucks to not have a hand. Yeah. You know, but like, hey, come on, you can't complain. We communicate. We complain. We complain.

Yeah. You try to make it a peeve as a part of the show. Yes. Yes. I got a million of them. You got more peeves? I got a million peeves because we haven't had so many guests that. Well, give me some peeves because I'm fucking low on peeves right now. All right. I finally started writing them down right when I think about my own. That's my problem. I always forget to. Same. Something will annoy me because I was leaving. I'm telling my girlfriend, I'm like, what do I complain about? She goes, I can't picture you not complaining. All you do.

do is complain. I was like, well, give me something. She goes, I can't remember. I go, that's a peeve. You're not taking down my peeves. All right. Starting from the top. How about this guy? Hey, can I get some brown mustard? We don't have brown mustard here.

Story of my life. I love the story of my life guy. Not having brown mustard is the story of your life? This is your big tale? This is your big premise in your story? Is no brown mustard? Come on! It's a bad story. It's a horrible story. His funeral, never had the right mustard. Ha ha ha!

Not a good... That's quite a eulogy. That's all there was to him. That's it. That's it. Boring guy. That's his story. Yeah. Right there. His brother was the mayonnaise guy. But this guy... Yeah, started the Mayo Clinic. Yeah.

That's a good peeve. I hate the story of my life. Because it's a... Like, look, it's one thing, like, ah, crap is one thing, but then you're... Sure. You now become, like, this victim. Yes. They never have the brown mustard. Right, right. I do love a brown mustard, though. Oh. I know. I love... You know what else I love? It's, like, a grainy mustard. Oh, yes. I love a grainy... The seeds. I'm such a... I'm a mustard guy. Me, too. Horseradish mustard. Love it. They have one...

They have it at Russ and Daughters? Oh, that's a good shit, man. Yeah, that's good. Whoa! Look up that Russ and Daughters horseradish mustard. This is like my favorite mustard I've ever had, dude. Russ and Daughters is unreal. Russ and Daughters fucking rules. I will wait on that dumb line on a weekend. Same. That's like the only touristy shit I actually do. They open another one, like the Anne Frank house. Dude, how about fucking the strip house is going to carry Bodega Cat? Oh, come on!

That's a New York staple. This is big time. That's high end over there. It's fucking big. You still have a porterhouse and a neat bodega. It's coming soon. And dude, we're like big shipment, new sexy bottle coming. The only knock, their GM tried our whiskey and they apparently loved it. Said the only knock is we don't love the current feel of the label. I said, well, I got good news for you. We got a new fucking label coming. We're upgrading, mofo.

We're cooking, baby. Bodega Cat's making some noise. You can't find the mustard? Nah. It's a good mustard. I'll find it somewhere. We'll get it. Yeah, I do love it. I mean, I know it's hack, but Grey Poupon is great. Oh, it's fucking classic. So good. Horseradish. Put in horseradish mustard. It might show up. Horseradish mustard. What a great combo. Oh, it's fucking... That's the stuff. Wait, no, that's not it. Oh, that one looks familiar, that second one. Yeah, it's the Stonewall Kitchen. It's a fancy one.

These are fancy mustards we're dealing with. Wow. Give me another peeve, man. Okay, I got plenty. You're crushing with it. I'm lousy with peeves. How about this guy? This happened to me yesterday. I don't want to get too specific because he might hear this, but hey, can you chat for five minutes? And I go, I actually have about five or six minutes. I can chat.

17 minute call. You reel me in with the five. And I'm such an autistic literal cunt. I'm like, oh, hey, five minutes. I can do that. And then what else is going on? Oh, how's the baby coming? Oh, what's New York like? It's hot out, huh? Oh, you should see it out here. It's fucking brutal. But I'm like, come on. What happened to five?

I know. It is a pee for me when people don't get right to it. Yes. When it's a friend, I don't care, but when it's like a work-type call. It's a work call. It does bother me when someone's telling you, like, yeah, I had a guy sending me, like, text like this, and I'm like, dude, what are you doing to me? That's crazy. And here's the clinker. If you go, hey—

I'll give you five. He goes, yeah, no problem. And if I have five minutes, I go, I got to cut you off. They go, geez, all right. You set up the fire. You know what you got to do? You got to treat it like hockey.

I need a shot clock. You got to say like, there's a minute left in the period. Let's go. And I need like a... One of those big old, old-fashioned sports horns. That really should be... Wow, doesn't that look good, that bottle? That's a good-looking bottle. Strong. Sexy. Sleek. Grand. Curvy. Yeah. Voluptuous. Very nice. Erect. What about...

That is fucking annoying. You feel like a woman because you're like, you want to Netflix and chill? And then I'm like, why are my pants off? You rooked me.

I don't. Yeah. It's a real peeve. I got a peeve. Please. And it's a fucking first world peeve. And I know it. And I'm saying in advance, I stayed in shitty hotels for years. Yeah. I used to only go on the road. I stay in a nice hotel. It was in a hotel that had a sauna. I was very excited. Yeah. Love a sauna, especially when you're traveling, you sweat out the fucking booze. Oh yeah. You sweat out that airplane garbage that's in you. Yep. I go in there all excited. Four kids in there. Ah,

What the hell are we doing? In a sauna. In a sauna. And they're leaving the door open so the heat's all getting out. One of the dads was like, close the door. I'm like, you brought him in. Yeah, right? You're bringing the bad energy in. Kids have no place in a sauna. No place. You're not...

What's the word? Stressed? You got to be stressed to go on a sauna because you got to get the shit out. You got to sweat it out. Yeah, what are you fucking... You're like, oh, I got to stay Capitals Monday. I got to fucking dine in here. Jesus Christ. Right, yeah. I got a presentation at Merrill Lynch. No, get out of here. I'm going through a divorce. No, you're nine. Also, kids sweat all day. They're playing basketball and running around. We don't sweat because we're adults. We walk around and go and live in air conditioning. Book the hotel because of the sauna.

Didn't get a good sauna. Kids, get out of here. Kids will ruin a pool. They will ruin a hotel pool. I remember Joe List had a great tweet once saying, like, there should be, this was before he had a kid, by the way. That's true. But he said, there should be an app telling you if there are kids by the hotel pool. Oh, that's funny. I never heard that. Wow, that's a good bit. That's a good idea. He has that great line. He's like, you can't hit a kid, but you can throw one. That's a great bit. So he's in a pool like, ah! Kid's head's like an inch away from the coping. Ha, ha, ha.

Another thing with the sauna is for stressed out people, hungover people, and gays hooking up. That's it. That's all that's allowed in the sauna. I'd rather a gay guy blow on another guy. I'll take it. At least it's quiet. By the way, Mateo told me he's never been in a sauna. I don't believe it. He said he's never done it. Wow. My friend's got an Equinox membership, and he's like, it's full-on gay club. Is he in Chelsea or something?

I don't know. Certain neighborhoods, I think. Yeah, that sucks because I do want to go in there and just relax. I know, I know. DeStefano got blocked in by someone. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, man, that's crazy. Yeah, I tried to hook up with him. Kind of flattering. It is until you're stuck. Yeah. You're getting raped. You're like, well, it's nice to be thought of. Yeah.

I heard the signal is throwing water on the rocks. I do that all the time. Oh, you tease them. Fuck, are you kidding me? You're asking for it. That's a gay move? That's a gay move. That makes it hotter in there. That's why you do that. It's hotter, all right. Damn, I did that the other day. That's the gay move. That's like the tap on the floor with the bathroom stall. But it's not hot enough otherwise.

God damn it, I'm gay. Yeah, and you didn't even know it. Damn it. I'm sending signals. We outed Sam. I may as well have been bent over wiggling my butt in the air. I just want it to be a little hotter in there. You know, I like the heat. Well, it's your fault for throwing water on the rocks and winking. I don't know why I do it. Hey, big boy. Dude, I did the worst thing the other day. I said, hey, do you mind? And I poured it on. Oh!

It's a little too cool. You might have to put water on the rocks. And he's like, go ahead. Oh, my God. So how was the sex? It hurt. All right. It was rough. You'll get used to it. Sorry, Wingus. It's also, you can't have gay code be the thing that everybody has to do in the sauna. That's like going, how'd you know he was gay? You know, he took a sip of water. I know. Everybody drinks water. It's out of there. Weird and specific. Yeah, that's...

That's insane. That's like what the thing is for. Exactly. How do you know he was gay at Subway? He ordered a sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He paid for it. Yeah. Yeah, come on. That's bullshit. I think I got one more. I thought I had more, but I can't find them. How about this guy?

I'm out with some friends. They're all idiot, jerk off. One's a mechanic. One's a line cook. Just dumb old high school friends. And I got a couple bucks now. And so everywhere we go, they're like, I'm like, God damn, they charge like six bucks for extra ketchup. And they're like,

But you're rich. You're rich now. And I'm like, I still don't pay six bucks for ketchup. Everything is. Oh, but who cares? You're rich. Oh, who cares? I'm like, well, I'm not going to go to a helicopter and throw bags of money out. Yeah, it's wasting money. It's wasting money. It's still wasting. And I'm like, six bucks for ketchup. This is crazy.

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It's insane. It's insane. And thank God all the taxers are going to something good. Try driving on any of the fucking roads here. Oof. You think you're in the fucking, you know. I know. It's the Sudan. I got a classic car. I'm like up on the sidewalk trying not to hit a pothole and my whole car will fall apart. It's crazy. Try driving from Philly to here and you're like, where's the money going? Yeah, right? It's the bumpiest, sketchiest ride. That's true. On the highway, too. I'm going 80 and it's like, ba-boom. I know. Crazy. Crazy.

All right, last one, then I'll leave everybody alone. How about this guy? My opener was doing this a couple weeks back. He does the, uh, you wanna, you wanna do this? You wanna do that? You wanna do this? Which is just stuff he wants to do, but he gives it, he poses it as a question. Like, I'm giving him... You wanna pour some water over the rocks on Equinox? Ha ha ha ha ha!

But like, well, we'll have a, we'll have food in the green room. And he's like, I know there's food in the green room. You want to go out to eat? And I'm like, no, I want to eat the food in the green room. He's like, you sure you don't want to go out? I'm like, I told you what I wanted to do, but you keep, do you want to go out? He's like, I don't care. And I'm like, all right, well, let's just eat this. If you don't care. He's like, you want to go out though? I'm like, so you want to go out? He's like, no, no, I'm just asking. I'm like, well then let's eat this then. If you don't care.

You sure you don't want to go out? Just say you want to go out. I'll go out. It's not about the food. It's about you fucking gaslighting me. Yeah. You want to do this? You want to do that? You want to get a hooker? Nah, I got married. I probably shouldn't get a hooker. So you don't want to? No, no, I don't want to. Stop asking me. Or let's just do it and you got to admit to it.

Yeah, the road ritual is, you need to have, you need to do everything you feel comfortable doing because the second you cave in, next to you, you're like, why did I fucking do that? That's true. Because I felt it, dude. We went out hard and then I had shit to do and I was like, fuck. Yes. I know that feeling. I'm hurting.

And I have shit to do. Dumb Ari. I knew it was Ari. Yeah, he's our Newman. He's like Newman, Ari. I miss him. I never see him anymore. Oh, he's out and about. He's doing some scheme. But we went out drinking, and we had about 19 martinis. We put suits on. We went out for some ridiculous reason. We're like, hey, we have suits on. We might as well get hammered. So we got martinis on.

And we just had one after another. We're talking. I have a photo of us. I'm standing on a mailbox on Avenue A, and he's like...

Who took the photo? Sal Volcano was there, too. He took the photo. And we had a great night. I get home. I ride a city bike home at 5 a.m. I got one eye open. I'm wearing a suit. I must look like a walk of shame or something. Finally get home. You know, May is like, what the? Where the hell have you been? What's going on? I reek of booze. I got a suit on. She's like, what the hell? You didn't make one check and I'm getting loaded? Nothing? No, nothing. I was too drunk. I never looked at my phone. And next day, an alarm goes off at like

You get home and she's like, I'm pregnant. I'm like, oh, well, good luck with that. You know, you also do that thing when you're shit-faced. You go home, you're like, you know what? I'll have an emergency packet and a glass of water. That'll cover it. I'll be good tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a slice of bread and a vitamin C. Like putting a bandage on a gunshot wound. Yeah, exactly. Like, this will cover it. I'll drink two glasses of water. How about that? I do it always. Always. You're fooled. And you go to bed and...

Your head's this big. It's on fire. And I had so much to do. We had two pods. Remember that? We had a... Who was in here? Adam Ray and somebody else. Yeah. And... The Chernins. Chernins, yeah. And I'm just like... And then I had a bunch of sets. I had to go to do a set in Queens. We drank...

a decent amount that day though. That saved me. Even having a couple drinks during the day. I fucking feel it at night these days. Oh yeah. Oh for sure. But then I call Ari at one point or I texted him. I was like dude what were you thinking? This is the worst day of my life. I shouldn't have done this. And he's like oh I'm in a steam room at whatever. And I'm like oh you didn't have anything to do? He's like no. I'm a comedian. What am I doing all day? But you had shit to do. I had shit to do but he didn't and he got me.

They always get you... It's like a game. Yeah. They know that they have the... I'll be fine. I can lose this day. And you're like, no, I can't lose it. I can't lose it. Yeah, exactly. But also those hangs are kind of like rare these days. It was pretty great. We're getting older and it's like...

I regret them like a motherfucker the next morning, but like a week later, I'm like, I'm glad I did that. That's true. That's true. Once you get through that day, you're like, that was pretty, we were walking on car hoods, you know, like it was one of those like legendary drunk nights where you're almost to a blackout, but not there yet. When we're old men, we'll look back and be like, those were fucking fun nights. That's true. Because what, you know.

Every once in a while, you need to make some bad decisions. Oh, yeah. And Sal was getting hammered. And it's fun getting drunk with Sal because he's like doing shots. I got him in a headlock. And then some 17-year-old girl walks by. She's like, oh, my God. He's like, ah.

He's like so wholesome on TV and everybody loves him and then you see him out in the wild. But he is still kind of a wholesome drunk. Oh, sweet, sweet man. That's the thing is, he's like kind of still that guy. Yeah. He's like, God bless you, sweetheart. I'm noogying him, you know. It was a good time. I fucking love that, dude. You feel like Don Draper, though. You come home, your bow tie's undone. You're like, ah, shut up, you old broad, you know. And you throw a glass against the wall. Yeah.

That's fun. You fuck, damn. That's a good drunk, man. Yeah, we really did it up. That was fun. We got to do one of those soon. Let's do it. I guess we do do it almost every week, technically, but like an actual non-recorded one where we're just like, got to hit like, maybe we'll hit Strip House when it's like, when Bodega Cat's there. Good call. Something like that. Good call, yeah. Got to do something. Like DeRosa, he lives in Philly now. He's riding on tires. I'm like, man, they must be just tying one on every night. Gillis and all those guys. Oh, yeah, that job came at a cost.

Oh, yeah. Joe DeRosa's going to die at 51. I'd give him so much shit. He is that friend at funerals who's like... True. Who's like excited he gets to do shots for a reason. I know. We got to do this for Jimmy. I'm like, fuck. All right, fine. Piece of shit. You can't turn on a funeral shot. I mean, that's too disrespectful. Goddamn DeRosa.

Don't die, Joe. We love you. No, no. We need you at those funerals. He was out of mustard. Story of his life. He's got the sandwiches. Yeah, that's true. Are we in there? Bodega Cat's got to be in that place. We got to work on it. Joey Rosen. I think I... Oh, I got one. Oh, I got two more peeves or one more. Now, this is more of like a...

You see this maybe once a year, once every two years, and it really fucks you up. Yeah. I'm not a squeamish guy. I eat ass. I'm not square. I'm not a prude. I saw this one the other day, and I hadn't seen this in a while, and it fucking grossed me out. It made my stomach turn. How about this guy? Ooh, yeah.

Oh, the booger eater. I saw him on 2nd Avenue. He didn't think I caught him. I caught him dead to rights. Big old brown boog. Right in the kisser. Right in the mouth. He ate the whole thing and he loved every minute of it. Who are these people? Yeah, it's not good. I mean, these people should be strung up and hung in the town square for us to all mock and ridicule.

It's one of the things, if you do it, you just can't do it in public. No. God, no. This is Manhattan. It's not sanitary. Yeah. There's nine million people in this city. You think you're not going to get busted? This is going to make me nauseous. I saw a guy do it on the subway once, like five years ago, and I still think about it. I'm in the shower like, ah, fucking God. I need a silkwood shower. The amount of fucking...

Garbage in the city suburb. I remember I was on the train once late at night and I, you know, see a guy in a wheelchair, like barely hanging on. He's like, hanging on. And he falls over. I'm like, fuck. And I walk over like, fuck, I guess I got to help this guy up. But he's clearly, I could tell something's wrong with him too. But I'm helping him up. And some guy as I'm doing it goes, don't do it. And I'm like, whatever. I just did it. I helped him up.

And then he leans over again. He's like, and he falls over. I'm like, I guess this is his thing. He just falls over and wants people to help him up. So no money or anything? No, he's just like a fucking mess. Wow. And then I smell him like he's shit himself. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I'm helping a dude up who's pooped his pants. Yeah, you got to pit that Purell. It's a bad one. And then I helped him up the first time and they did it again. The guy looked at me and goes, I told you. Yeah.

That's a New York moment right there. That's a New York moment. Because I usually don't get got. Sure, sure. But a guy in a wheelchair falls over, like, what are you going to do? Of course you're going to help him. I know, you got to do it. But what other city does a guy in a wheelchair fall over and a civilian goes, don't help him? Don't fall for it. Don't fall for it. Sagalow has a... I saw a clip of his new special. He had a funny bit where he saw a guy slip on the subway and his first thought was, that's fucking fake. There's got to be a camera everywhere. I'm not falling for it. And it's...

He's like, how sad is life that we've come to this where everything is a video, a TikTok, a fake thing, a prank? And I'm like, I completely agree. Everything I see, I'm suspicious. A true story. So years ago on the train, there's a guy with no legs pushing himself and begging for money. And I heard a guy whisper to his friend, this one's not faking it. Oh, wow. Wow, that's fucking sad. Dang.

He's been burned by a no-legged con before. Yeah. Not good. There used to be a guy in New York. I don't know if you've seen him, but he was burned, like burn guy, you know, scars everywhere. And he had a poster board and it had all the newspaper clippings of the house fire he was in and how he was a little kid and he got rescued by the FDNY. That's got to be real.

That's got to be real. It also sucks that that's like your whole persona now. I know. He just became the burn guy. Yeah, yeah. Like you're carrying the fucking clippings. He was leaning in. I mean, talking poster board. He's got merch. Yeah. That's one. It's like shoulder to knees, full on. And I was reading it. He kept walking. I was like, hold on, hold on. I got a fifth page three. Yeah. Time's picky. Koozies are only seven bucks. Yeah.

The burn koozies, but they keep it cool. Yeah, you got to get a fire wallet or something, or lighters. Remember those? Fucking fire wallet. Tom Dustin made more money on fire wallets in a year than I made in 10 years. So the point, it was just a gag wallet, you just open it and there's no money and it just lights on fire. Yeah, it's got a flint in it. It's pointless. Pointless, but they moved, man.

Maybe I'll get one. Look at it. I kind of like it. How does that work? Give me a video on that because I want to see this in action. You whip one of these out and you get people's attention. This is a good way to disturb hobos. Like, hey, man, can I get a dollar? You're like a wizard. They always make these videos too long. I had a friend who tried to get into a bar underage.

and he didn't have a fake ID, and I did, and I got in, and then he busted out the fire wallet, and the guy looked at me and goes, get in there. Oh, you see? It worked. It worked. Because I think the guy was like, look, you might be 18, but you're good energy. We could use you in there. I have a theory, and no one's going to want to hear this, but I think women secretly want to fuck the shit out of magicians. I don't know about secretly. Some of them, Copperfield pulled some great ass. Okay. Didn't he get Claudia Schiffer? He did. He did.

You tell me Blaine doesn't get ass? Blaine's a sexy magician, but these are celebrities. Yeah, but you know what? A celebrity ping pong player gets ass. I'm talking a regular backyard birthday party magician. I think it's fucking the stepmom. But if you're an entertainer, if you have that kind of charisma that you can make a living as a magician...

You're getting people's attention. You know how to turn it on. I get it. I get it, too. It's just the eyeliner and the fishnet gloves and the weird outfits. Yeah, well, think about how rock stars dress. Ah, good point. Good point. Yeah, yeah. Magicians. I'm telling you. Because, first of all... A good gag to do on this guy is to open it and just dump fucking... They pull it out. You just dump some fucking... Lighter fluid on it. Lighter fluid on it. They explode. How do they not hurt the bills, though? You think it would light their bills on fire?

Well, you don't put your money in there, do you? I think you do. No. I think it's just a gag. I think it's pointless, the gag wallet. I don't know. Well, look. Hold on. Okay, we got the light. And now, light. Hold on. Credit cards. Or maybe those are fake. All right, well, call in if you have a firewall. Oh, there's a little trigger. Okay, good to know. Maybe I'll get one. But you gotta think, approaching a woman is so hard.

You're coming up with stuff to say. You got to break the ice immediately. You're a magician. You go do some sleight of hand shit. Yeah. Boom. Ice broken. It's pretty cool, man. That's what I mean. They're natural entertainers. Like, they've been doing that shit. Like, the way we have to fill in, like, awkward silences with something uncomfortable, like a joke or something. They're filling it in with, like. Yes. They're doing, like, weird, like, you know.

What's that behind your ear? Yeah. And that shit is universal. It is. That works on little kids. That works on adults. That works on an old lady. Yeah. I mean, it's impressive. You go, how the hell the fuck did you do that? Because it's work. It's like when you see a good magician, you're like, well, that trick was a lot of work. Right.

Right, right. True. They put in time to learn it. Yeah, and the lady goes, how'd you do that? Come on! Now you get to keep doing stuff and show her another trick. I mean, you're in immediately. Yeah, you know, because women like mystery. They love mystery! How'd you do that? Yeah. It's mystery. And you throw some jokes in, too, like, oh, your panties are disappearing tonight. Whatever. It's over. Look at this fucking tool. I love these guys. Look at the leather jacket. The whole thing. These guys are such dweebs, but...

A lot of comedians started as magicians. Woody Allen, Steve Martin. Orson Welles was a magician. Was he? Yeah. Amazing Jonathan. He loved magic. There's a story that this director wanted him in his first film. It's a guy who did the books, Lunches with Orson. And he...

Peter Bogdanovich gives Henry Jaglum his info. He's like, he'll never do your first movie, but here's his info. He shows up at the hotel to greet him. Just knocks on the door. That's no email back then. Yeah. Yeah. Knocks on the door. Orson Welles opens the door in like purple silk pajamas. Said he looked like a giant grape.

And he goes, who are you? And he just said, I need you to be in my movie. It's my first film. And he goes, I'll never do a director's first film. Never. And he goes, well, you did your first film and you directed it. And he goes, never. Get out of here. And he goes, I know you love magic. You play a magician. And just pause. And he goes, could I wear a cape? And he did it.

But he loved magic. I mean, F is for fake. He did magic, too. Right. Right. Wow. It's like Nathan for you before Nathan for you. Yeah. It's a weird one. Fascinating guy, that Will. Oh, I love him. Man. You got jokes you're working on? Yeah, I do, actually.

Let's see what I got. I got one that's hitting, but I can't figure out where to go. By the way, I got that money joke working. We were throwing around for a while. That's something. Yeah. Let me try one on you. Please. Movie theaters, like all the trailers for stuff that's on Netflix. On TV, you get commercials for YouTube. They're literally advertising their demise. Oh. It's like when a woman posts pictures with her guy friend you know she's going to hook up with after you. Oh.

And you're like, oh, cool, that's what's coming next, I guess. That's good. Something there, right? Definitely. It's more of a twist, but it's like... That's a great premise, too. You're doing ads for YouTube. You're showing the thing that's going to... It's like Netflix or Blockbuster doing ads for Netflix. Yeah. You know? And where the fuck's Blockbuster now? You're advertising the thing that's killing you. Yes. Yes. It's like us doing an ad for...

Bodega Cat Whiskey. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, folks. No, what's a... Yeah, what's a famous thing where the guy took him under his wing and then he killed the guy or something? There's got to be some story like that, like some Shakespearean thing. But it's got to be like an ad, right? Yeah. Oh, this might be too topical, but...

Kamala was like, Joe Biden's great. He's doing awesome. We love him. And then where's he now? And then she's sliding in. I like that. That's possibly the turn. Yeah. And then she's like, eh. You better drop out or we'll fucking drop you out. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. It's kind of like the butler who's working for this giant oil tycoon. And he's like, hmm, he won't last long. And he's like, I'm going to leave you everything in my will. And the butler's like, ah-ha.

Yeah, I'm going to kill you eventually. And then I'll have the mansion. But I love the girlfriend posting a photo of the guy that she's like, he's just a friend. He's just a friend. And then... Revolving there. He fucks her. Yeah. What do you got? That's funny. Uh...

Have I done the gun porn joke on you? I don't think so. So I saw this thing about kids aren't having sex anymore, like teenagers are having way less sex, and everybody says it's because of porn. They're like, porn? All these boys watch porn. So then they don't approach women because they're like, I'm good. I'm satisfied. I don't need to go get shot down by some lady. I already got off. But then they also say that shooting movies makes kids' school shoot.

So I'm like, how come porn is making you not fuck, but shooting movies are making you shoot? That's a great angle. And I thought, I think the reason is because porn, you shoot a load. After an action movie, you go see John Wick, they should hand you one pistol and you go, all right, I'm good. I think the problem is though with shooting, like this may be worth this and somehow like you shoot a load and then you feel you regret it. Oh. Because like you watch porn, I'm just like, ugh.

Don't you feel that little self-loathing? Yeah, you feel shame. You don't feel shame after you shoot a gun. You're just like, that was fucking cool. Well, if you shoot a guy, you might feel shame. You can't feel like you shoot a guy. Yeah.

Maybe you play a video game where you shoot a guy and he's like, what have you done? You've killed me. Oh, yeah. Something like that where it's like... The shame needs to come in. There needs to be a way you get... It's close. It's not hitting as of now. It's not enough. So I think you're on to something. Well, shooting... When you finish...

I think the difference is when you shoot a load, you see the world kind of more clearly. Yes. You don't do that if you shoot a gun. Oh, yeah. Right. You don't fire. You're not at the range. You fire two rounds and you're like, what have I done? Yeah. It's not there yet, but it's like you fire two rounds and you're like...

man, I'm fucking, I'm sick. Yeah. I'm a sick fuck. Maybe the shooting range is almost like a porn theater. You know, like you get it out there and then you don't do it at school. There might be a connection to like porn and school shooters either way. It's because you don't have a girlfriend or something, you know? Oh yeah, true, true, yeah. Huh. I had an old premise, it's different, but about how like, it's weird that like they say like,

these shoot them up video games make kids numb to violence right because it's like oh no they don't they're like they have nothing to do with the school students was like all right i'm not gonna blame video games for actual murder but there's no way that shit's not numbing you to violence yeah they're playing for like eight hours i watched 30 seconds of porn i'm like that was bad you know what i mean funny like an angle i was trying to it's a different bit but uh

That's true. But I thought the shoot a load, it's such a perfect A to B. Yeah, they both shoot a load. Both shoot a load. I think the main difference is... No one gets hurt if you shoot a load with porn. You shoot a load with a gun, somebody might get killed. It's also just a different experience. Like, you watch a porno, you're doing it alone. You're not watching a porno with a group like, yeah! You see John Wick in the theater, you're like, this is fucking awesome. That's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're close. It's just one little... Say it one more time, shoot a load. The kids are watching porn, it's making them not fuck. But they say kids are watching shoot-em-up movies, and it makes them shoot. So I'm like, why is one making them not do the thing, and one is making them do the thing? You know, and I think, I thought it was because porn you got off. I think it's because it's easier to get a gun. Than get a lady. Yeah. Oh, that might be it. That might be it. That might be it. Yeah. Gun...

You go just go into a store. Yeah. Lady. No one ever goes. This guy's a little weird. I'm not giving him a gun. Yeah. Weirdos get guns all the time. Yeah. That's not bad. It's easier to get a gun. Yeah. Than a lady. That might be the angle. I think you cracked it. Maybe. I'll try it. I'm going to go noodle with it later. Noodle. I'm going to noodle. I think you cracked it there. Okay. What do you got?

Easier to get a gun than a lady. That's big. I mean, you go to a guy's house, he's like, you want to see my gun collection? No guy's like, you want to see all these girls I fucked? You know? Yeah. Maybe it's, he shows you his gun collection, you're like, oh, that's pretty cool. You go to his house, he goes, you want to see all these girls I have in the basement? You're like, I'm going to call the FBI real quick. Yeah. He's on a watch list. That's good. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. Yeah. You can collect guns and...

And it's seen as kind of cool. Right. Why does that girl have a gag in her mouth? Silencer. It's not bad. Something there. Yeah, there's something there for sure. I like that observation. Maybe something with a porno magazine and the gun magazine. You know, like the bullets? Maybe that's too specific.

Porn mag. I think if you're too into either, it's a red flag. Yes, yes. Too into porn, too into guns. Right. Like, you have a few guns. You go to the range, whatever. But, like, there's the people that have, like, a shitload. And you're like, all right, that's a little. Well, the thing is, you don't have to satisfy a gun. You know, you got to satisfy it. You do have to maintain a gun. You do have to maintain a gun. You got to clean it. You got to buy bullets. Yeah. Bullets is like the dinner.

There's something here. Silencer, machine gun, automatic, Uzi. Okay, pistol, handgun, handjob. All right. This is how joke writing goes, folks. No, I think the women gun thing is... I think that's it. It's easier to get a gun. I wonder if anyone has that. I don't know. Okay, I'll noodle. I hope not. I hope I didn't just say someone's fucking thing.

Everyone's done everything. Everyone's done everything. It's crazy. I was watching this JFK doc and this guy, this historian comes on and he goes, I think what really did him in was his obsession with women. I was like, really? I think it was getting shot in the face. I don't think it was. That's great. I don't think the doctor was like, man, this guy's head fell off. What happened?

Punani overload. I don't know. I need something better than that. Maybe something with getting head. Yeah, he got head. He got brain. Well, this guy used to have a lot of head. Yeah. He used to have a lot of head. He got road head. Yeah, road head. That's fucking good. Road head's the word. Yeah, what killed him? Road head. Road head. He blew everywhere. Yeah. Blew all over the back seat.

Yeah, he got a head in front of his wife. Yeah, roadhead. He didn't even care if his wife was around. He blew right in front of her. Right in front of his wife. It's just so dark. Also, it's the only roadhead that's like a sightseeing tour. Like you go to Dallas, like, hey, you want to see where the guy got blown up? His face got shot off. I'm sure they do that with Butler too, Butler PA. Yeah, there's a lot there.

He did get so much fucking ass, though. And it was always like... There's something funny. He's always...

Fucking someone that was like a danger to the country. Oh, really? Yeah, and RFK always had to clean it up. Ah, wow. Like what? Like a liaison or something? Spy, stuff like that. Whoa, wow. He was a lunatic. And if you can nail the accent, that's an extra bonus on the joke. I got a lot of head back in my day. Do not. That wasn't bad. Ask not what the girl can do for you, but where you can shoot it.

All right. Oh, yeah, shoot it. There's a lot of... We're both doing gun pussy jokes here, I guess. Yeah, well... What else are you going to do? That's fun. That's going to be big. That's huge. All right. This one's a big misdirect, so I hate to give it away, but I think the misdirect is hitting. I just need more of a...

More angle here, more of a place to go to take it. Sure. So I'm from Louisiana, and New York is a very progressive city, so whenever my New Orleans friends come up to visit me, I always have to prep my New York friends. Like, watch out, some of these guys are animals. So I'm like, my buddy's coming up, just letting you guys, giving you a heads up. He's very religious, old school, like devout, religious.

I'm talking doesn't like gay people, hates abortion, makes women dress a certain way. And all my friends are like, what? How can you hang out with this piece of shit? He sounds like a real asshole. What is he, Southern Baptist, hardcore Christian? I'm like, nah, he's Muslim. And that kills. And it gets one of those like, oh, laughs, you know. And then all my friends are like, ah, he sounds nice. Bring him up. Let's we'll get some shawarma or whatever the fuck.

So I got the misdirect because it just shows how white people, we treat different cultures differently, even though they're basically the same problematic thing. You were expecting a white guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it is funny that they have to pretend that they're cool now. Exactly. There's a fine line between tolerance and intolerance, and it's like... It's color. It's color. Well, I mean, I thought of it because of all the Hamas stuff. They're like...

gays for Palestine or whatever, and you're like, what are you kidding? They're gonna kill you over there. But it's because they're over there, they're brown, or whatever it is. I don't know why. But if you were like, fuck, we're gonna throw this gay off a roof, they'd kill you. Or if I did it. But if they do it for somebody that's okay, I don't know. It's so...

It struck me as like, I could make a bit out of this. Yeah. I think the next thing is like, what did you just say about the, there's a fine line. I think it's color. Yeah. Yeah. Brown. Well, it's the same way. Like someone will go after us for saying a joke, but if a rapper made the same type of comment, type of blogger would never dare. Culture goes a long way. Culture goes a long way. Because that's kind of part of rap culture. Bitches, hoes, you know. Yeah. All that.

So you kind of let it slide. So who had that great line, PETA never goes to the player's ball and throws paint on them? You know, it's a bunch of rappers in fur coats walking down, and PETA's never like, let's throw paint on them. They're like, we're going to let that one slide. I don't want to get shot or whatever. That's a good fucking point. Great point. They're not breaking up dogfights. Yes, exactly. They'll write a post about Michael Vick after he's in jail, but they're not going down there. That's a fair point. Mm-hmm.

So I guess the lesson is you got to, anybody who criticizes you, shoot them and you can get away with anything. If you murder people, you can really believe whatever you want to believe. Yeah, you'll get popped eventually, but you'll have a, you'll be all right on. I don't know where the, I think the turn is really like calling out that type of liberal person. Right. Who thinks they're really open-minded. Yeah, exactly. You think you're really open-minded, but you're really just a pussy. I guess so, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Because I'm not trying to shit on Muslims, because I know not all Muslims are like that. Not all Christians are like that. Sure. But they totally flipped the script when I was like, he's Muslim. They're like, well, you know, different cultures, different people, you know, who am I to judge? Well, you should judge him, treat him equally. I thought that was what we were doing here. I think there's something there for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

I just hate to leave it at that. That gets a laugh, but then it feels like, and? It's one of those ramp bits. It's going to be one of those ramp bits where you're like, oh, wow, it seems like you only believe that because... But it's something funny because we all kind of believe that in some way. That's the funny thing. Sure. We all think it. I think you can kind of, if you maybe flip it on yourself a little, there is something funny about that. Yeah, my friend is Muslim, and he's obviously not homophobic or anything, but he was like, it might be funnier if you flip it to...

Muslim to Christian. You know, like, oh, I was watching this documentary over the Middle East to where these people were. And I think that probably would hit harder because you're laughing at a Christian instead of a Muslim. But I like the other way because it's pushing the line. Well, it feels more current, maybe. More current, yeah. The Christian jokes have been made. Exactly. It's a little easier. This has got a little more bite to it, I think. It's tough. It's a tough call. It is. But it's easy...

You know, because we go, hey, priests diddle kids. That's an obvious joke that's been made nine million times, but they don't all diddle kids. It's just, you know, it's a stereotype. That's how jokes work. Yeah. So I'm just going off that. Yeah, I don't know the twist yet. Yeah, I don't know, because it's hard when you get a laugh, and then you're like, oh, that joke's done. Oh, dude, that's my whole fucking act right now. Same. I'm like, close.

All these Boston comics, they can stretch out shit. You know, like Gary Gullman and all these guys list as all these long-taped Apollo. Yeah, it just takes a while. Yeah, but I feel like we just... It didn't come out of the womb there. That's true. That's true. There's something about... Yeah, no, I have one that I had forever, and I just finished it like a week ago. Wow. I forgot...

You know, I was like, how do I end this? And I, dude, I didn't write it. I riffed it. It's like sometimes you just have to keep saying the joke and talk the punchline of what you say naturally is the punchline. Yeah. And you need to see it with fresh eyes because some of you stare at it for, you know, weeks and weeks. And it's almost like saying a word over and over where it loses its meaning. And then after like two months, like, oh, I can go this way. Yeah. Should we do one more? Do you want to, do you want to save some? Let's see if I got a short one.

Or hit me with something. When I was a kid, my mom used to buy me books on ADD. Oh, that's hilarious. Books. I could read a tweet. That's funny. Books on ADD. And then they sent me to a seven-hour ADD seminar, which is true. Because they were like, you need a... And I'm like, that's not how you...

beat ADD. Right. You don't just force me to listen and you're like, and my friend said, you know, you can't cure ADD with a class. It's like being gay. You can't show a gay guy pictures of hot women like cured yet. Yeah. You know, so, and I was like, yeah, it's not at all like being gay. I think it's pretty messed up to compare what I have to an incurable disorder. Ha ha ha ha.

That's a good line. All right, try that. I was going to say, it's like trying to cure your son of gay and sending him to Fire Island. We're going to send you conversion camp. That's great, but it's not going to work in the UK or whatever. We don't get ADD people. We don't get a parade. Even if we did, we wouldn't have the focus to get one done. I think ADD is like, something like ADD is like,

It's not like being gay, you know? It's like, I can control this with medication. You know? That's good. Maybe that's... I'm not shitting on him. Yeah, like, I don't think there's a gay guy in Hamas. Like, all right, time to take my meds. Yeah. Gotta turn it on again today. And you can think of a funny pill name, you know, like anti-gay or something. There's something there, right? Yeah, and I feel like the joke's close. All you gotta do is find the... You got the premise...

I haven't tried it yet, so I'll try it tonight. If you can get the gay comparison in the middle, I feel like it's done. Yeah. There's something there. Yeah, because gay is too perfect. It's perfect. Because you could use other ones like stop drinking, send them to a bar, whatever, but the gay with the turn later is great, the disorder. That was a riff, man. Oh, really? Yeah. No, I tried that first part on today. I didn't try the second part. So I just tried up to where you guys laughed, the disorder part. That was a riff, and I was like...

It got a pop. I was like, all right. I was just like, how do I fucking end this? Yeah. Well, what's the gayest place on earth? Broadway? It's pretty gay. Yeah. I'm trying to think. We love it. Maybe just say the pride parade. Yes. You know, like setting your, uh, you've done a conversion camp at the pride parade.

Gotta be something gayer than that. Like, where are dudes really good? Oh, maybe jail. Sauna. Sauna! Sauna. Callbacks. Well done. Yes, the rocks. Then that could lead into your sauna bit. I do have a sauna bit, actually. Oh, okay. I have a new sauna bit. Here we go. Yeah, yeah. What else you got? That's my thing. I have a couple that are new that are just working, so I don't want to bring on shit that's working. I know, I know. And I feel bad giving away that Muslim punchline, but...

Yeah, but whatever. I feel like sometimes when people hear it at the show and when I talk to them after, they're like, no, it's cool hearing it on the show first. That's true. But yeah, I'm the same way. I like it all to be brand new to them when they see it. All right, this one's quick, and then we'll wrap it up because we've got a guest coming in later. But all right, so with all these flight delays, cancels, everything, I'm at the airport just screaming at these clerks or whatever you call them, the United guy at the desk. And then you realize it's not his fault.

The plane is having maintenance issues with his weather, and I'm missing my gig, but I'm yelling at some stranger. I'm like, this isn't fair to this guy. He just works there. So then I thought the airport should hire a guy just to get yelled at. Just hire a guy just to take abuse, take a verbal lashing. I like this already. And get a guy who's in S&M Sado Maskist shit. So you're like, you piece of shit. I missed Christmas because of you, you worthless motherfucker. He's like, this is the best job I ever had.

And he's got the desk there, so you can't even see it. I like this. But then that part kind of does well. But I am just doing this, so I'm like, are they just laughing at this? That's funny. Okay. And I love the idea that he's like, bring out the gimp. Yes, bring out the gimp. The gimp. I'm going to say that. Bring out the delta gimp. Mmm. Mmm. You piece of shit. Yeah. Is this any way to treat a customer? Mmm. Mmm.

And then it needed some kind of ending. So I thought, how can I wrap this up? How can I twist this? And then I thought, maybe the guy gets too into it, and then you start apologizing. You know, he's like, tell me I'm worthless. And I'm like, you know what? Keep the voucher. I'll take the train. I'll take Amtrak. Delta's like, wow, this is paying for itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep the refund. It's all good.

That's fucking good. Oh, all right. Great. Okay. I was laughing in the setup. I mean, that's like, to me, that's hilarious. All right. I'll try. Is that hitting? The first part is, you know, like, you piece of shit, you motherfucker. And he's like, this is the best job I've ever had. That crushes.

But I am just doing this and going, the best job I've ever had. So I don't know. I feel kind of cheap doing that, but it kills. I think there's a lot there. Okay. Get rid of the gimp. There's fun stuff. Bring out the gimp is a great addition. The delta gimp. That's hilarious. Yeah. Damn, that's solid.

And it's a fun idea because you want to yell at the guy, but it's just some random dude from Queens. Why is he in charge of all of United? I'm also shocked whenever I know your angle is not going to be hack. I always know that, but it's still refreshing to hear an airline bit that you're like, oh, I haven't heard that. Oh, great. All right. You know what I mean? I just like that. I'll take it. What are you showing us here? What is this? We got a song sent in from some fans. Oh, let's hear it. All right, play it. Here we go.

Meta noise.

♪♪ ♪♪

I thought this was about us. Those were like all my specials he just named. Oh, he did? Oh, okay. I couldn't hear all the lyrics. He said Salacuse before, then he said You've Changed, Same Time Tomorrow. Oh, okay. Sorry. I was like, I thought it was about the pod. I really went and told her.

I don't like being sober. Oh, there we go. Looking good, I think we might be drunk now. Hey, there we go. And just like we should, we drink to bring the funk out. This is fun. Yeah. Yeah, we can play this with like a new world credit. What do you say? Telling me another story on a Tuesday. Eating this sweet like I'm going out to lunch. I'm always in the soup, cracking jokes, that's nuts. No man storming on me. Call me Norman, kicking ass.

Oh, that makes sense. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he got it. Damn, he's got a good research. Wow. I like that. That's great. I take it all back. I'm such an old honky. I missed all the lyrics. Oh.

I probably wouldn't miss about you at the same time tomorrow. I know this. Wow. Well done. Metanoiz. Very cool. What does it say? I can't read it. Kaden and Kaden and K-Dass. It's two twins from. I like it. Where are they from? I'm not sure. But Metanoiz on Instagram. M-E-T-A-N-O-I-Z. Check them out. Good beat. Good lyrics. I like it. I'm sorry. I questioned it.

Follow us both, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Oh, yeah. And we're posting stuff on there. We got our dates in there. Mark, where are you going to be? I'm all over the road. This comes out in January of 2041, but...

And I'll be in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Fort Collins, St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, British Columbia, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We just added a show, so let's sell that puppy out. Meridian Hall is awesome. Really? Yeah, it's sick. Oh, never been. I'm excited. Newport, Rhode Island for that rogue comedy fest. Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg.

And Edmonton, Cleveland, doing hilarities. Getting back into it. I've tried to sprinkle some club dates in. I'm doing hilarities, too. Oh, nice. That's like my favorite. One of the best. It's such a great club. Great food, great room. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago. Chicago Theater. So let's try to sell that puppy out. What do you got there, Sloppy Jalopy? Um...

I'm going to Europe. So I got, yeah, I got London, I believe September 18th. Then, uh, then we got, Oh, Niagara Falls first, right? Okay. Niagara Falls, uh, September 13th. Oh, the good side. Yeah. We got London the 18th, the 22nd, we got Belfast. Then we got Dublin, Paris just added a show. Amsterdam just added a show. Copenhagen, uh,

Oslo, Stockholm, and then yeah, I'm back in the clubs. Gonna add some more clubs. We got a Hilarities November 21st through 23rd. I'm gonna add some more clubs though. Need to get back to it. And then big theater tour next year.

and buy some Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. I don't know why I can't speak today. I'm off today. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. And, you know, we've had some great times with Wingus here. Winnie always bringing the heat on this pod. Oh, yeah. You guys love Winnie. Who doesn't?

We got to look back at some of the greatest moments with Winnie. Let's take a little look back to all the great moments Winnie has provided us on this podcast. Yes, please. In memoriam. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Sorry. Back off, Norman. Mini Winnie's going strong. And let's take a look. Oh, this is a good one. I had an improv over the weekend with her, and the staff's like, Winnie? They fucking know her from the pod. We got a lick. It's legal here.

She's awesome. Yeah, look at her. She's the best. My ball of the hero. The constant licks, dude. She's like, she heard you shitting on pugs on your pod. Oh, shit. I love pugs. I love pugs. Carry that with me. They're the best. I like it. Fuck. I love them. This is a sweetheart. Like hanging out with Donnelly. Like John. Winnie killing. Oh, man, that thing's got a fucked up face.

She's got one eye, dude. I didn't get a good look at it. That eye is fucking so scary. I thought I was going to learn my future. She's from the streets. She's from the L.A. streets. From Compton. Yeah. And how long have you had this dog? My girlfriend's dog. She got her like nine. Oh, nice. She got when the dog was nine? Yeah, and she's 17. She's hanging in there. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We love you. One more. We got one more. Yeah, we got to do this one. It's a noble.

Man, easy, Big Bella. You go to the bookstore and it's like... Ari trying to make up for it. I love it. The dog's a Kobe fan. What can I say?

Love it. You guys are the best. Keep listening and we'll see you guys soon. Thank you. Good night and good luck. I'm top of the world with value. You will pick your perfect girl. I'm Sally Q's. I'm the influence. I'm positive. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. I recommend that you deposit in. I'm really funny. Easy money on a danger field. Same time tomorrow. Cause you love me

I really am told up

I don't like being sober. If you think we're looking good, I think we might be drunk now.