Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
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Hey, folks! Here we are. We might be drunk. It is summertime. And it's hot. This weather is making me fucking sad. Oh, I hate it. It gets my blood boiling. It's fucking rough. Yeah, I get angry. I get tense. People are bumping into you. You have to shower eight times a day. You're washing clothes. You know me. I don't like to wash clothing. I hate it. I hate it. I don't have a washer, dryer, and unit. Oh.

Oh, yeah. You know what I'll do? During the day, I don't mind it. But then at night, that walk home at night, you're like, you're still doing it?

What, it's still hot? It's still hot. I know, I know. The night should be cool. Yeah. You don't have washer and unit in that castle? No, I'm building. It's in the building. Oh, it's in the building. All right. They don't allow it in unit. All right. That's pretty damn good, though. Yeah, it works. Yeah. I do drop off sometimes. Do you? Yeah. That's very new to me, but yeah, sometimes. Wow. Or I push it on the lady. Fluff and fold is pretty nice. Fluff and fold. Those Asians. I'll tell you, fluff is all right, you know? Ha ha ha.

They're fluffers. I had a rough travel weekend. Not as bad as our buddy Matt Peters here, but both coming from Florida. Are you Mike? Yeah. You drove from Florida.

Yeah. Wow. You were in Orlando? Yeah, Orlando. We had an 11 o'clock flight on Saturday. Delta? JetBlue. Okay. 11 a.m.? 11 a.m. It got canceled. They rebooked us on another flight that was leaving at 8 p.m. Oh. That got delayed. Delayed, delayed. Ah! 12.30. Then they canceled it. Then we went to three hotels to find a place to sleep. Jeez! They just wouldn't let you in on any of them? No.

Wait, so you didn't try ahead of time? You just showed up at the hotel? I called, and they were like, we have five rooms, but they're first come, first serve. First come, first serve? What is this, fucking 1992? It was nuts. We go to the hotel, and they're like, oh, they're gone. Whoa! So then I go to another hotel. I get there. They're gone. Wow. Third hotel. Finally get a room. By the way, this is like how you get hooked on, like, fentanyl. Right. Yeah.

It's like downtown Orlando. It's like garbage. Ugh. Yuck. Finally find a hotel. We sleep for like four hours. Get up. Get a rental car. And then just drive. Wow. But there's something freeing once you just accept the hell. And you're like, we're no longer beholden to these fucking airlines. That's true.

But my story is not going to sound nearly as bad as yours now that you just said that. But you're still together with it because that's divorce territory right there. And that is hell on earth. It was close. We had some moments because it was like. Really? So how was the JetBlue cover it? No, they didn't. They gave us a refund, but they didn't give us anything. Because they were saying it's weather related. It's bullshit, though, because it wasn't really weather related. Like, I mean, at least in New York, like we took off.

But then we circled. There were flights leaving to New York. Dude, we... So we... I didn't have it as bad as you at all. I mean, you were texting us and we were like... I was like, this is fucking bad. Yeah. My buddy was supposed to come to the show on Friday and he's like, I'm taking a flight out because I don't trust this shit. And he got out. Wow. But...

Once he said that, I saw the weather, dude. You know, I'm on the road with Gary Veeder. He's like, I want to go to Joe's Stone Crab. And I was just like, let's do it. I caved. I was like, fuck it. Little Gary wants Joe's Stone Crab. Little Gary gets Joe's Stone Crab. I just picture him throwing his hat down and jumping on it. He gets what he wants.

He gets what he wants. He's like the kid in A League of Their Own. You know, the fat kid who's running up and down the bus hitting people. Still well. Dude, he... So we're going to go. And then it's like raining to the point that I was like, dude, do you really want to do this? He's like, nah, fuck this. So even Gary caved on that. Then the next morning we wake up and like I had a lot of... I had like probably six Manhattans the night before. So I was like...

kind of the first delay. I'm like, well, four hours. I'm fine with that. I'll sleep in. Yeah. I'm kind of grateful. You sure. Fuck it. But then we get, it's delayed another hour. We get there. So it's now a five hour delay. We're working with, with the airport. Yeah.

It's a mess. It's like, by the way, there's like a flight attendant in the lobby. My girlfriend says, hi, dude. She's like, where are you flying? And she just like gives her a dirty look. I'm like, whew, this woman's in a mood. Whoa. Would you believe she's our flight attendant on the flight? Oh, no.

Oh, man. We used to have to worry about terrorists. Now they're on the plane. These flight attendants are cunts. I was thinking about that because we're in the air. We're just fucking circling. We finally take off. It's like five hours late. We take off. We start circling. I'm watching a movie. I'm watching Challengers. My girlfriend keeps tapping me. She's like, why does it say two hours now instead of 120? I'm like, I'm watching a movie. And then I was like, wait, what? Two hours? Yeah, that's longer than an hour 20. I'm doing the math. Then she goes, she goes,

Now it says Dulles Airport, whatever, in Virginia. I was like, wait, what? And by the way, there's a woman in our row. I know, I know. And there's a woman in our row who's batshit crazy and won't shut the fuck up. She just keeps going like, she's just nonstop talking. She's screaming. She's an old lady who's out of her fucking mind. She's piss drunk.

She orders a, I show you not, a champagne triple. She goes, give me a triple. I'm like, that's not a thing. Wow. You can get like a triple of scotch. You don't get a triple. That's three drinks. How long is that flute? It's crazy. So I'm just like, you're an idiot. You're a trash bag drunk. So we just keep circling. And I'm looking, I'm like, fuck. I'm like, I'm into the movie. It's entertaining. It's whatever, you know.

I'm like, fuck it, give me a drink. So I start drinking again. I'm drinking off this hangover with a little whiskey sodas. And... Half a quadruple. We land and the woman is nuts. She just keeps screaming. And they go, they landed due to weather stuff. And she goes, they're lying to you. I'm like, oh my God. Jesus. She's yelling, I'm like, yeah, it's all a big conspiracy, miss. And you control it. But anyway, you know,

Yeah.

So my girlfriend's freaking out. I got Winnie on my lap. And she goes, I need to get off this plane. I don't want to do this. And I was like, what do you want to do, rent a car? And she goes, yeah. And I was like,

All right. Whoa. At a certain point. So then Gary goes, I'm going to take my chance on the flight. I go, respect. That's fine. Do we got to do? You got kids to get back to. I get it. And this is Dulles. Where's that? We're in Virginia. Virginia. So we get on the car. We in a rental car. Some guy. This is how fucking drunken out of it. I am at this point. Some guy on the air tram. We're trying to get to the to

to the budget rent-a-car thing. She got a car. Some guy goes, you look a lot like a comedian. I go, oh, yeah? And he goes, are you that comedian? I go, oh, yeah, yeah. And he goes, bad travel day? I'm like, these fucking people. And she hits me. I see he's got three kids with him. And his wife goes, no, it's okay. Like, it's that bad a day for everybody? She goes, no, it's okay. So she gave me, like, the green light, the curse. I was like, all right. And it turns out he worked for my uncle or something in Baltimore. Wow.

I just got back from like Italy or something. No, that's biological family. My uncle, the doctor. Yeah. You know. La-di-da. La-di-da. Good guy. I'll see him in Baltimore very soon. And recovering from a stroke. Love you, Uncle Rob. Still drinking, baby. Yeah. Still going strong. Call it about Bodega Cat. Loving the Bodega Cat. So we get to the budget rent-a-car and...

You know, the lines at the fucking door. It's insane. It's like an hour wait just because everyone's trying to get out of there. I mean, look, we had nothing compared to you guys compared to other people. They were like, we're lucky. So it's one of those things where we're just like, all right, wait in the line. Then Gary goes, he texts me. They're still not taking off. Whoa. It's been like an hour. He goes, I'm rolling with you. Whoa. I go, hop on that fucking shuttle. Meet me at the rental car. He goes, there. He meets us there. It's been a while. We're still waiting for the car. Wow.

Finally, you know, this little mutt's running around pissing and shitting outside the rent-a-car thing. Getting anxiety just hearing this. Oh, dude. So then we get the car. It feels so good. You just hit the music. You're off on the road. Little Vitor set up his Bluetooth. He's DJing.

He's on the dash like a Hawaiian guy. He just seems like a bobblehead. My girlfriend's like, what are you guys, 90? Every song, Gary's like, twisting the night away. We're cruising, and Gary's monitoring the plane. The second we take off in the car, he goes, they took off. Oh!

But it was like, you know, at that point, we're like, we made peace with it. We're controlling our own fate. How many hours of drive is that? We got in at like 2 a.m. probably. But you know what? Yeah. And we stopped. We got McDonald's. She was going fucking nuts. No jokes. I said, hey, I bought you dinner, buddy. That's all I can say. No, we got McDonald's. Really fucking. I hadn't had in a while, man. The nuggets hold up. I got a McChicken, too. Stunk.

Stunk. It's all bad. It's all bad. The nuggets are good, though. The nuggets still work. I got to say, the fries are just like, they're just so good. I don't love them. I love those McDonald's fries. People love them. You don't love them? I don't. It's like cardboard. They're soggy. There's nothing going on there. I'll take a Rally's fry any day. I'll take a Wendy's fry. Really? But not McDonald's. Not McDonald's. They're just skinny and stick. I don't know. Not for me.

But my nugget. Give me a Polynesian sauce or a Honey Must or a BBQ. How about sweet and sour? Same thing as Polynesian. Oh, is it? I think. Yeah. I'll Polynesian it.

Well, that's Chick-fil-A, I think. Okay. Yeah, I like a little barbecue, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we went to town. I had a fucking Oreo McFlurry. I was like, I fucking hate myself. Who gives a shit? I didn't order it. She ordered it, took one bite, and goes, I'm done. I go, you fucking bitch. I just fucking shuffled it in my mouth. What, you think I have willpower? You didn't eat a stone crab, but you're a little crabby. We got in late.

But at that point, it becomes an adventure. And you're kind of like, as much as this day sucks, you're like, at least you get home. It's a John Hughes film at the end of the day. It's a comedy of errors. You made it work. Yeah, but those travels. I mean, you had the rough one.

That's rough. That's rough, dude. 20 hours? We did four hours. Each person drove four hours. Oof. So it was only eight hours? No, we dropped off. It was 15. 15 hours straight? No nap? No nap. Oh, I napped when she was driving. She napped when I was... Wow. 15 hours doesn't seem that bad for Orlando for some reason. Yeah.

That's bad. I mean, it's bad, but it seems like to Florida? Yeah, it does seem longer. You just hug that coast, I assume. Damn, that's wild. The thing about the flight delay is you get to the airport, your flight's at 11, you go, ah, they're delayed an hour, motherfucker. Then they get delayed four hours, and you're like, I would kill for an hour delay. It's funny how you just keep going back. Oh, I'd kill for a five-hour delay because it keeps going. I did a Sunday...

Minneapolis. I had a gig in Rochester, Minnesota, where the Mayo Clinic is. Rochester, Minnesota. Real dive. Real shithole. So that night, me and the opener drove back to Minneapolis. I'm like, I'm going to be a good traveler. I'm driving back to Minneapolis. It's an hour and a half. I'm going to fly out of the Minneapolis airport so I don't have to connect in Rochester anymore. Direct flight.

Eight hour delay. I must have eaten so much lounge food. Thank God for the lounge. Thank God for the lounge. Yeah, but sometimes you don't have lounge access either. That's true. And when it's overrun with people at the airport, when it's bad, it's fucking bad. It's bad. It's bad. And the line around the block for the help desk and then everybody's on the phone. It's like...

You have an eight hour wait on the phone for a talking person. What do you go? Representative. Well, you can tell how bad it's getting because when there's like a two hour delay, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to be productive. I'm going to work. Yeah. Drink some coffee. Then it's like three or four hours. You're like, I'm getting fucking hammered.

Yes, I know. There's a shift. There's a shift. And your bar goes down on your phone, too. You're like, ah, fuck it. I'll watch this two-hour QAnon documentary. I'm like, how did I get here? Dude, you know what, Doc? I just watched it. It's so good. Have you seen the Pete Rose doc on Max? It's good. I hear it's great. Have you guys? Matt, you seen it? He's a wild dude. Dude, he's kind of a piece of shit, but he's...

so fascinating. He's like a caveman with a gambling problem. He should be in the Hall of Fame. I mean, he's out. They just won't let him in. But he bet on his own team, at least. Yeah, true. Am I crazy? I mean, I guess it's fucked up when you're managing them because he was also managing them, so you can make weird subs. But you're betting on your team to win.

If you bet against your team, you're a fucking monster, obviously. But if you bet on your team, you could rest closers for the next day. There's things you can do. I hear that. Yeah. I hear that. But aren't most coaches always trying to win? True. True, true, true. I mean, I guess it's a little reckless, but I don't think it's banned for life.

From baseball records. But on days you're not betting on your team, you're technically betting against your team. You're telling every bookie, bet against us. But there was a part of the doc, I'm not giving anything away, but there was a part where he's like, I'd be better off in baseball if I was an alcoholic, a drug addict, or I beat my wife. Oh, shit.

And he's like, I didn't do any of those. And, you know, Ty Cobb beat his wife. He's in the Hall of Fame. Yeah, good boy. Ty Cobb was, like, trying to cleat people. It's crazy. Didn't he bang a minor? He did something crazy. That was bad. If you want to fucking – I like that he's like, I wasn't an alcoholic. I'm like, he did fucking underage shit. Yeah. It was a 16-year-old woman, which he said was the legal age. That was a woman because that was the legal age in Cincinnati. Oh.

But also, if you know that, you're kind of a bitch. Right? Right, right. So he was like, yeah, she was 16. But then she claims they did it before 16 and there's like grooming stuff. Look, just fucking a 16-year-old is disgusting. Yeah. So, but...

Yeah, he's an odd guy. My thing is, like, I read a quote. There was this guy, because I was looking, I was at the airport for a long time, so I'm reading the back, I hit the book, and I'm reading the quotes, and that guy Jeff Perlman, who wrote a bunch of great stuff, did the Showtime book, was like, I hate Pete Rose. I think he's a terrible person, but after reading this book, I realized he's one of the most fascinating people. Whoa. Like, you just can't,

Tell the story of baseball. That means a hit king, dude. Is he really? That's the most hits. 4,256, I think. Something crazy. Wow. But that's like, dude, you get 3,000 hits. It's insane. Hall of Fame. Right. You're in the Hall of Fame for 3,000. Wow.

I mean, you're in the Hall of Fame with less often, but 3,000, you're like, you have to be in, basically. He had over 4,200 hits. 4,256. Wow. That's crazy. HBO? Where can I find this? Yeah, it's Max. It's good. It's a good one, dude. You'll love it. I can't wait. You love these ones. Yeah. Sports. He was like, you could hit, I was on an interview with him recently, he was like, you could play for 20 years straight, get 200 hits a year, which is like peak performance, and still be 500 hits shy of my record. Dang.

What is it with talented people that are sociopathic or something? You know, you always hear about these guys who are all fucked up and nuts and fucking 16-year-olds, but can't deny the talent. Yeah, I think you just are like, I don't give a shit. I think...

I think a lot of people overthink stuff. And a guy like this is like, you're not using this. There's a part of your brain you're not using. You're not like, should I do this? You're just like, no, I'm doing this. His nickname was Charlie Hustle. It was like sarcastically given to him. I think it was Whitey Ford and Mickey Mantle were mocking him.

Wow. They go, oh, check out Charlie Hustle here because he was like hustling for every play that didn't matter. Yeah. And it was given to him sarcastically, but he took it as like a compliment. He ran with it and that's why everyone called him Charlie Hustle. And he was like a fucking psycho, just hustle for every play. And it is intimidating. There's clips of him taking out the catcher, just running him over. Wow. I mean, look at that. That's like a violent dive right there. Yeah, it's iconic. Yeah.

Wow, I can't wait to watch. It's cool, man. It was a good one. All right, I'm on. I'm on it. I watched the Paul Simon doc. Good. Snoozefest! I love Paul Simon, and I love Gibney, the guy who directed it. Alex Gibney, who did Going Clear and all the other great ones. Oh, that was a great one. I just re-watched that again. Unbelievable. So good. Tom Cruise really skated that. He did not look great in that. No. Need the Travolta for being full of disclose. But yeah, uh...

Paul Simon. Borango. It was Elon Musk's boring company. That's what I'm calling it. Brutal. All right. What was that on? HBO, I believe. I couldn't get through it. I won't watch. See? Not everything warrants a doc is the thing. Agreed. There's so many docs now.

However, Dirty Pop about the, what's that guy's name who started NSYNC? I know, the fat guy with the glasses. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, I jerked off to it. No. Better than Finger Pop. That's what they call the Nickelodeon one.

Dude, you know what else? You know what? By the way, we started years ago being there, your place, the Peter Sellers. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's great. Did you finish it? I finished it. Hey, how'd you like it? I loved it. I loved it. It's incredible. Brilliant movie. The message in that is brilliant. Like, hey, it's all people will manufacture anything and they'll put their shit on you as long as you just sit there. That's a Salacuse wreck right there. This would be a great Chris Farley role if he was still here.

Look at him. I mean, this guy's just in hog heaven. He's surrounded by a couple of preteen pubescents. Damn. Living the dream. Yeah, I was like, I don't care. We started the Nickelback doc the other night, so I was like, yeah, it's just there. I watched part of it, too. I was like, I don't care. I'm not one of those people that's like, fuck Nickelback. I just don't care. I was watching. I was like, why? Yeah, same. Well, they were huge. They were like the number one band. Oh, they're huge. And then the whole world 180'd on them.

Isn't that funny how that works? Like the zeitgeist is so fascinating. We love this band. Holy shit. Platinum records. A million sold out arenas. You know what? This band sucks. Okay, yeah, they suck. Fuck them. It's almost like people are like, well, they're not that good. And then you hold that against them or something. Yes. But I just didn't think it warranted like an actual movie. It seems to be happening in Justin Timberlake now. Oh, is that right? Yeah, he can't do right at all. He used to be...

That's just him driving. Can't go right. And now, like, people are really coming for him. Really? Yeah, yeah. I didn't even know that. It's because he had, like, two allegations, like, back-to-back that Janet Jackson doc dropped where he looked bad, like, ripping her shirt open. And then Britney Spears put out a book saying, like, he forced me to have an abortion in the Mickey Mouse days. And they were like...

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're done with this guy. Well, I got to say, after seeing her with the knives, it might have been the right choice. I think he might have been a hero, looking back. Yeah. Yeah, that's not what you want when you're getting your kids circumcised. An ihana. He was fucking, he came off real bad, though, for a while. Yeah. And then people just turn on you. Oh, yeah. It seems like zero celebrities have a perfect record.

Of course. No one in – Yeah, we're human. No human's pitching a perfect game. Exactly. Exactly. Like, this guy, you know, got her forced to get an abortion. You're like, all right. Everybody's done shit. Who cares? Get out of here. Should we be more forgiving? Yes. Okay. We should. Yeah, you don't have to be more accepting, but you've got to be more forgiving. Yeah. You have to – it's insane. But also, he's doing fine. Yeah. He's doing fine. He's great.

Maybe he's not selling the tickets he sold 20 years ago, but he's not fucking, like, who cares? He's doing fine. I heard J-Lo's not selling, and my first thought is, all right, it's not just me. Isn't that nice when a big, giant celebrity can't sell a ticket? And you're like, all right, it's hard. She can sell a ticket. I think her bar is like arena tour everywhere. That's true. So, you know. Yeah, but she canceled a bunch of them.

I'm not going to say who, but there's a huge comic I was talking to the other night, and he was like, I just keep saying I'm sick because I can't fill up all these places. And I was like, I didn't know we could do that. That's a good move. I've just been going to Rochester, Minnesota and playing to a 20% sold room.

And yelling out to the rafters with no one in it. I've canceled before. You have to. Every once in a while, they put you in a place that you're just like, yeah, this is not fillable for a huge act. Yeah. I know. What is that? I'm doing Duluth, and they put you in like a 3,000-seater. You're like...

I know. It's crazy. Every once in a while, you look at that, you're like, what? But then that's not on you. That's on your agent, man. I guess so. But I'm like, give me two shows at the 400-seater. Let's start there, and then we'll just add shows. Yeah, because we don't mind doing more shows. No, I did a club weekend this week. I had a blast. Where were you? I was in Louisville, Kentucky, the Louisville Comedy Club. Oh, was it good? I think I did that a while back. It's good.

It's a good room and it's a good town and the audiences are great, but I was like, this is so nice because I've been doing Friday, Saturday theater, one Friday, one Saturday, and then fly home Sunday. This was like got there Thursday, opened up the suitcase, hung up the shirts in the closet in the shitty hotel, and then writing in the hotel room. I stayed in that shitty hotel. Aloft, right on Main Street. Not good. Not good. Not good.

And yeah, it was nice to be in a town for three days instead of in and out. You know what I like about...

Any city in Kentucky, it doesn't matter where you go, they got a sweet bourbon select. Oh, yeah, all day long. You could be in like a fucking random bar and it's like 25 pages. Yes, yes. Even the club had some sweet shit. Oh, yeah. I was drinking something and they were like, oh, that's a barrel that they make. It tastes like the ocean because they drive it around and it fucking just, it's in the ocean. Wow.

And I was like, holy shit, I smell the ocean. Yeah. You know? That's called... Ah, shit. Cut that. What was the name of that submarine that sank? The Titanic? No, no, the latest one. Oh, the one that sank looking for the Titanic? With the five billionaires on it? Nah, that would have been a good joke if I could think of the reference. But yeah.

Angels Envy, all that shit. Old Forrester, it's all Kentucky. Even Bodega Cat. Yeah! A fine, silky smooth rye whiskey. Yes. What's it called? The... The Titan submarine implosion? Ah, right. It wouldn't have been great. Anyway. The Titan, it didn't have a good ring to it. But you know what's weird about Kentucky is you get off the plane and the airport is full of ads for bourbon. I'm like, should we be...

Advertising bourbon at the airport. You know, just all these pilots are pulling their little wheelie bag like, I'll have one. You get on the flight, you go right into Twin Towers. Also, it's not a thing that needs a push in that state. Yes. I don't think anyone's like, what do I drink in Kentucky? Right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The thing that you're all pushing on me the second I land. It's kind of like in Vegas. They have slots at the airport. I'm like, do I need...

And they look great. They look great. I'm not going to slot shame. But they got the slots right here. I'm like, I just pried myself away from the vice and sin of Vegas. And then you put one right at the airport. Come on.

Now I lose everything. Every little piece of penny I saved, I'm going to lose it at the airport now. That's the thing. Like fucking Pete Rose was like, you know, he's broke. Gambling is such a fucking disease. It's horrible. Think about how much money you can make in your life. And if you just didn't gamble that do, but he's like doing, it's like shows him doing like cameos and stuff or whatever, doing like 15 hour day ball signings, you know? Wow.

Because he just wants to have some cake, you know? Yeah, I mean, same with, you're like, why the hell is Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider 9? Oh! Is he a gambler? Oh my God, yeah. That's why he's done so many, he did like a string of bad movies. He had to pay the bills. What would ruin your life faster, being a gamble-aholic or an alcoholic? Which one you hit the notice button? Well, gambles, I think, more quickly will ruin your life. I guess it depends to the extent, but like,

You know, you gamble, it can be gone like that. Yes. You know? Booze takes a couple hours at least. But you could get into a drunk driving. That's true. Accident, run over a kid, kill yourself. Yeah. But like Norm talked about on Howard Stern, he's like, I lost, you know, 650 grand in one hand. And he was like, I had zero money and I had to like...

Go back on the road and figure it out. And yeah, crazy. That's someone who's life saving. 650 grand. I might have upped it, but. But that's nuts. Yeah, but when that happens, you're like, yeah, I wish I had a few too many drinks. Yeah, true, true. The alcohol, like, I will say this. I guess both you, like, you fuck up a hand. You feel like, ugh. You get too drunk. That hangover is like a punishment. But like fucking up a hand, like. Yeah. That is like tantrums.

You watched the chips get pulled away. Yes. That is your money. Or your kid's money or your wife's money or your kid's college fund. Gone. Oh, here it is. Here's the story I was looking for. All right. Did I way overshoot it? No. $60,000. Boy, did I overshoot it. This is a different story. Okay. It's too long here. I'll just shorten it for you.

Oh, our guy's here. Hold on. Basically, he made $60,000 and he took it and brought it to the ocean and threw it away. Wow. I'd rather lose it this way. Wow. Holy hell. We're on.

Hey, Dr. Phil, everybody. Hey, what's the hell? Wow, what an honor. Got pineapple and AIDS test. Test, not the actual watermelon. I haven't seen a fruit since, well, I feel like you should finish this one. Since something, something gay. Yeah, since the bar last night. Wow, you smell great. You look sharp. It's Aqua, no, Carla Degger. What's the girl from, she was a judge on America's...

Yeah. Next best dancer. Carla De Gregorio. Can you look it up for me, Jamie? It's a migrant. I know Carla Day. I get Aqua DG and this bitch mixed up all the time. Here it is. Laid it on thick there, Phil. Well, I got a Persian friend that showed me how to do it. You know, they bathe in cologne. Tommy Hilfiger, polo sport. Oh yeah. Cool water. Cool water. That's,

That was the first cologne I remember my son was wearing when he first fingered a girl. Really? Which was about a couple hours ago. I sent after that. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to put, you don't want to go inside of it when you've got your finger. There she is. That'll burn. It burns. So does loneliness, though. That's true. Well, we've all been through a lonely time. I got some gifts. Speaking of being lonely, I got some gifts for you guys. You don't have to do that, Doc.

Well, I was told specifically by your producer, Matt, don't come empty-handed. Oh, damn. Yeah, real Jew-y move. It's all right. I got a bar mitzvah coming up. I can say that. We'll be right back. Long sleeve, Phil shirt, and we got one for you, Mark. Thanks. And then one for you, Sam. You can open it yourself. Come on. You're a hell of a doctor.

I'll wear this tonight. All right, cool. Thanks. If you don't like it, also, I got a copy of my book, We've Got Issues. Just a little promo press tour, but we'll talk about a bunch of stuff. Well, we got you some tequila if you're interested. Do you want to have a drink? Oh, I'd love a daytime drink. I'm a big fan of the show, but I'm a bigger fan of daytime drinking with fun people. Hell yeah. And I think that's one of the things you guys bring to the table. It's not just good vibes and good energy, but...

You drink with the right people at the right time. You got that right, Fatty. What kind of drink do you want? Do you want a tequila? I'd love a straight tequila. I mean, I'll suck down some of the Bodega Cat just for sponsor purposes. Thank you. And I have had it before. It is tasty. Hey! Yeah, big fan. Thanks. You can put my name, put my lips on it. Oh, we have? Doctor's orders. What is this now? Oh, wait. You want ice or no ice? Let's go ice. I'll use like a fat cube. Where are you from, Doc?

Tulsa, Oklahoma. Whoa! You ever been there? I have not, thankfully, but I'm doing a gig there in a month. Let's go. Yeah. Are you on this tour now, Mark, where it's like, let's go to all the cities that I forgot about? Yes, yes. David Tell calls it the Connecting Flights Tour. Yeah. Bill Hicks calls it the Flying Saucers Tour. Yeah. But think fucking... Yeah. Too soon. But I think there's something to be said about...

showing up for people when they show up for you right here here all these uh little cunt bags are commenting on your shit on youtube tell me might as well go see them live and show them what's up thank you you hear that you queefs get out there yeah you got see me live mark norman uh dot jeremiah walkins.com but uh no i think he did that was funny

Good to see you guys. Can I ask you a Dr. Phil question? You're going to ask me? I'm an open book. I came on this show. Matt said, bring gifts. He said, be an open book. Bring your own book. Yeah. And leave your monkey pox at home. Well, you got to meet the cash me outside girl. Oh, yeah. I think you actually put her over. I put her over the top. The fact that she's on OnlyFans, I feel like I've got a lot to do with.

uh the money she's made since was all her own hard work and her own doing labia and grinding yeah if you show labia i mean it's a look it's no secret to you or i you know you guys know how to run a business more like gash me outside yeah sorry the guy i forgot that gash was a was an old term for the vagina oh let's go through them real quick let's let's do a little round robin and whoever runs out first has to take a shot pretty cute

Oh, never mind. Yeah, well, there's different shots of her. What is she famous for? She just said cat. She was a real twat to me on camera. Oh, that's right. And I said, you got some issues going on, but don't sweat. We all do. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. You got that right. We've all, dude, first of all, cheers. Cheers. Good to see you. Mazel tov. Only see you live on your specials. Same shout out, Amazon Prime, Marky Mark, YouTube, and Netflix. You own those fucking websites. She's cute. She looks like a hot girl.

Gaza hostage. Who, this guy? No, catch me outside. Oh, okay, yeah. There she is. Yeah, she definitely, I mean, she looks like an AI rendition of if somebody was like, give me Ricky Martin as a woman. And then AI was like, how's bad baby? They both love Dick. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Bad Baby's her name. I remember where I was when Ricky Martin came out. Please. Isn't that crazy? I remember where I was on 9-11 and where I was when Ricky Martin came out of the closet. For both cases, donating blood. Panera. Oh, yeah. Verilio. Too soon. Panera.

All right. Well, wait. Pull up some of her OnlyFans. I want to take a quick gash look. Possible to get a straw. Just don't like to get the booze and mustache. Smart, smart. You don't want to ruin that butthole smell. Yeah, but she went hard in the paint, you know. And again, you show a little bit of skin, it goes a long way. OnlyFans really took advantage of her being like, I don't give a fuck. So, Sam, she came on the show. She said...

you know, something, something, blah, blah, fucking I'm a bitch. And then I was like, it feels like it. And then something else. I tried to help her. Yep. Always try to help. You got to try to meet them halfway. And then she said, um, again, something, something I tune out sometimes you're doing podcast and you're just like, I'm doing it right now. Yeah.

I feel like I set you up for that. She walked so Hawk Tua could spit. I feel like Hawk Tua is the next bad baby. I love Bill Maher talking to Hawk Tua. Oh, really? You're famous for Hawk Tua? Oh, that's a good Bill Maher. It's your show. You had her on you, dumbass. I was like mad about it.

Also, he was talking to her. Thank you so much. Thank you. He was a little, he was starting to get into Harvey Weinstein territory. It was a little flirty. It was a little flirty. She's 21, maybe? I don't know. 22, I believe. And that's her dad to figure out what's going on after that. But Bill Maher was, yeah, just getting in her, and obviously high as balls. I don't think you want to be a middle-aged man high as balls around a young girl who's known for hocking on cocks. And that's the first time I've said that today.

Yeah. Can you watch a little of what made her feel better? I also just love that she's on like a press tour. Like everywhere I look, it's like the hot tour girl. Everywhere. Yeah. We had her on the Dr. Phil. She's pretty funny. She's charming. She's not bad. I like that she's not all about it.

I think she seems thrown off and she's like, yeah, this is kind of new. People were like, do stand-up. She's like, I don't know. Maybe I'll just live a couple more years. Right. Gain some perspective. Yeah, she's super young and grew up super poor. She's like real hardcore white trash. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I think she's a crack baby. I saw her clip on Whitney's pod and Matt Rife called her up and she said, I'm a crack baby. And it didn't seem like a joke.

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Does the accent turn you on, Mark? Huh? Does the accent turn you on? I like the accent. The accent's fun, yeah. The spin's a little aggressive. My wife Robin's more of a, she licks her hand. Oh, wow. I thought this was a safe space. Okay. It's rude forever, though. It's like Pete Davidson, everyone knowing he's got a huge cock. Because if you see it now, he's going to bit about it. They're going to be like, eh.

That's true. Same thing. She sucks a dick now. You're going to be like, eh, she didn't hock to her. Yeah, good point. Oh, wow, yeah. Whoever hooks up with her next is going to be, the bar has been set, right? Yeah. Where's Pete these days? Who's he fucking? Bad baby. Bad baby. Wouldn't it be great if he just went down a whole, like, where are they now, you know, people to fuck? Like, he just went through, like, the whole celebrity rehab and...

And just, you know, him and LeVar Burton end up in a menage a trois. I heard he's Kamala's VP. I think she chose him. Get the fuck out of here. He's got to do... The way Tarantino brings back actors, maybe Pete Davis could bring back Pussy. Oh, that's a great idea. I haven't heard about her in a while, Pete Fox. That could be kind of fun. Andy Cohen to mediate. Hey, come on out, whores. I'm talking about Pete. Yeah, the last time I was with a whore was probably...

I want to say Reno. You guys have performed there. It's whore heaven. It's whore heaven. And even if they're not whores, they're thinking about it. Oh, yeah. Reno's got that. There's something in the water there where everyone's just like, fuck it, you know? Yeah, it's called Plain Beach. It's Tuesday somewhere. Right, yeah. I think my opener, I did a casino in Reno. I think my opening line was a,

I've never seen fake tits in an oxygen tank on the same person. Yeah. I think that's a country song. Not my favorite. Yeah. Yeah, it's a tough town. It's a real... It's sadder than Vegas, somehow. Totally. A lot of meth. A lot of, like, weird... Like, it's zombies in the street. A lot of, like, Ninja Turtle mesh jerseys. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like weird things. You're like, you didn't even get that at Goodwill. Right. You made that. That's true. Yeah, it's kind of like AC. You ever go to AC? Or as I say, Vegas with AIDS. Atlantic City. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's a ton of HIV there. But it's one of the casinos that, you know, they try hard. They want to be like a place where Sting will perform. Right.

But he ain't going there. He ain't going. Maybe Little Kiss, the midget band. Maybe you'll see them on a fucking Friday afternoon. Yeah. Well, they're very smart because they built a casino in a place where you walk three feet out. You're like, this is terrifying. Yeah. You could build a casino in Gaza and you'd be like, what's better than out there? That's true. Yeah, good point. By the way, Little Kiss, they should have gone with Peck.

All right. Is that a willow joke? Well, I'm just saying you got little kids. Oh, a peck. Okay. A peck on the cheek. I got it. I was thinking of Matt Mardigan when he called the dwarves pecks. Oh, wow. What a deep hole. Maybe that's why he did it. Val Kilmer was like, you're a peck. You're a little kiss. Yes. You're a little thimble. You ever see Willow, Sam? I haven't. I haven't.

It's been fun. Thanks a lot, guys. I usually can't hang around people who haven't seen Val Kilmer's finest cinematic achievement. Hell of a film. Better than Tombstone? What's that? The pizza? Oh, I got it. Okay. Look at us just fake leaving. Willow is... Yeah, I mean, this guy... The good movie? It's phenomenal. Who is that? Pelosi? Tugs at your heartstrings. Oh, funny. That's safe.

That's her in about 15 years. 15? She's already 91, I think. Is she really? No, that's Kathy Bates. Who is that? No, that's Rachel Ray. Who is that? The guy, the little guy. Oh, that's the bitch. Willow Ufgood. By the way, you can't even have a cool dwarf name. Ufgood is your last name? I don't think that's a name. I'd rather be named fucking Fartstab.

or cock ring oh yeah boy look at a young val yeah see val yeah that's a hot guy pre uh pre whatever he went through yeah i think throat cancer much like michael douglas douglas well but val got it just from life and michael got it from um top shelf catholic jones punan now is that really is that really is that did he really do that did he really get it from that apparently because that's a great story it's a weird thing to blame it on

It is. He's in the hospital. He's like, you did this to me, you fucking bitch. Do you think he panicked? Do you think his friends were like, throat cancer? We told you to stop smoking. He goes, I wasn't. I don't do it, Michael Douglas. That was an RFK? Yeah. My Douglas RFK are pretty much the same. You know how Johnny Depp and Eddie Vedder are pretty much the same impression? Oh, whoa. See? Who is that? I can't tell. That's Johnny or that's Eddie. Yeah. Well, you see a Shalamu, Timothy Shalamu is playing Bob Dill.

Oh, I thought you were going to say Eddie Vedder. I could see him as Bob Dill. Yeah, he looks great, sounds great. The trailer's fun. Goddamn. That's the last time I want to look at Michael Douglas. Is that him? Unfortunately. Yeah, I hate that. He's in his 80s, buddy. That's my least favorite part about life, aging. What about you, Sam? What do you hate the most this time of year? Jeez, this fucking weather, man. Oh, it's too hot. You're struggling, right? Muggy. Yeah, it's a little... I mean, look, I...

I definitely had to go in and out of a Nordstrom rack on the way here just to kind of get the veins cooled down. Yeah, that's what I call fucking an old person. Yeah. I'm coming out of Nordstrom, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That is one of those things that I forget when I come to this city. I forget...

I do like the smells. A lot of people probably shit on the city for the smells. I love it. I think it adds a little flavor. You know, I live in Los Angeles and Texas part-time, and it's a lot of milfy, cokie vibes. Yeah, I like that. But see, the problem with New York is people shit and piss everywhere, and then the heat brings it out. Bakes it, yeah. It bakes it like your cologne. Yeah, well, okay. Well, you just talked yourself out of a coupon for a free bottle of it. Oh.

What sort of cologne do you wear, Mark? I go secret for women. I'm strong enough for a man. Yeah. So, Elliot Page. You look more like a Fruity Pebbles guy. Like you just take the milk, the residue, and just kind of rub it on your tits. I love residue. Favorite cereal? Don't even think.

Oh, you know what it is. Say it. What's my favorite cereal? It's Cracklin' Oat Bran. Wow. That was the biggest power move. Because it's his favorite, too. Oh, okay. What are you, a 90-year-old uncle? Cracklin' Oat Bran. That's what I said. They don't even make that. You have to go on eBay to buy that. And guess what I do? What?

I get all my cereals on eBay. Wait a second. Dude, they haven't even upgraded the box, Sam. It's still the same font. It looks like slave or KKK font. It does. Can you say that? And it looks like old turds. It looks like old turds.

The berries aren't doing anything to disguise the shitty nuggets that I'm staring at. Well, give me your guy's favorite. I like Reese's peanut butter. There you go. Like a true gay guy. Yeah. Put that peanut butter. Give me the chunky. Give me the peanut butter. Don't put it on the dog. Put it right on me. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll say this. I'm a big Frosted Flakes guy. Tony the Tiger. I've done a lot of conferences with a guy that was dressed like him. Oh, they're great? They're pretty good. They're not bad. I wouldn't say they're great. They're fine. It's a little boring of a choice, don't you think, Bill? It's boring to me. The Tiger's a good mascot. Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios I'll fuck with. But if you really want to know, if I take a couple rips of a Gravity Bong and watch an Amy Schumer special, I usually go right into...

Boy, let's say, I'm going to say Fruit Loops or Trix. Trix is solid. Fruit Loops is fucking solid. Don't sleep on Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops are fucking good, dude. And they hold up, and you can leave them out for days. Let's say you got a cat, and you know cats, you can leave them alone for a couple years, right? That's the beauty. You come back, cat's dead, Fruit Loops still live and ticking. Not like Cracklin' Oat Bran or whatever the fuck you're feeding your moles.

It took me a second there. We'll edit this out. Now, Froot Loops are flying. Froot Loops are slept on for sure. How about Fruity Pebbles, though? Fruity Pebbles, I'll go to town for those. I'll go to bat for those. They get too soggy, and you're eating a paste. I hate that paste. Well, you know, you're just eating paste, Mark. I've seen your vlogs.

That's true. Were you a pace kid as a kid? Nah, come. No, yeah. Because you both strike me as guys that dared the kid, the fucked up kid, to lick a slug or eat a fart. Yeah, yeah. Which one was it? I was definitely lighting farts. You were lighting farts. But I didn't want to...

I was the one who would be there to do it. Oh, yeah? For the laugh, right? For the laugh. We all, I think, had that in us, right? And, you know, me more as I've gotten older. Early on, I was like, I just want to help. But now I want to get the chuckle in, you know? Yeah. It's fun. I see what you guys do. You know, it looks like a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. We all had that one guy growing up where you're like, I dare you to jump off the roof onto that...

The first parkour guy, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Totally, yeah. We had a teacher we dared. That was harder to do in New York City. I dared to jump off that roof. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking dead. Yeah, unless you're Spider-Man or Tobey Maguire. Not you, Eric Clapton. Yeah. Is that what happened to him? No, his daughter. His son. His son. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I barely got that out. I'm going to suck the energy out of the room. Ha, ha, ha.

Sorry. That's okay. Good question. Yeah, go ahead. Does the other Dr. Phil acknowledge you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, we're going to do that. Yeah, this is me right now. There's another guy walking around. Sure, there's another guy walking around. Yeah, it's all good. He's a fan. Yeah, he's a fan. Yeah. That's good. What about you? Is the other Simpsons comic book guy out there? Does he acknowledge that you're the real life version of an animated historical figure? Yeah.

What's on your porn search right now? Pull it up. Can I guess? Oh, I dare you. I bet it's black babysitter. And then you type in like some weird toy attached to it. You do have the vibe that you'd be into black chicks. Yeah, black chicks. You got the old school New York Italian thing. It's because of De Niro. Yeah, I bet you're like Pakistani massage or something. Well, you got yelled at by a ghetto chick on the subway in like 1988. Of course he did. And your dick never recovered. It moved two inches and it was just like, damn it. That's right.

Bitch, give me that seat. This doesn't autofill. Pornhub doesn't autofill for me. Yeah, that's fine. I was just joking anyway. What's going on with Texas? No porn. No porn. I tried to look some up in the hotel, and I was just like, I guess I'm going analog. Get the fuck out of here. Not great. That's real? You can't look at porn? Land of the free. My ass. So you have to type in what? A password? Or it's just legal? You have to download your shit and bring it? Yeah, or get a magazine or a DVD, but LobsterTube works.

What's lobster to you? That's a weirdo. That's a classic one. Sounds like something Rogan came up with. He's probably got access to all the sites, right? I think anything in Texas they shut down. Him and Ted Cruz, they still got it. Yeah, there's lobster. Dear God. They got everything. I recognize most of these gals. I think we've had them on the show or –

I went to middle school with that middle one. Search bar and type in Dr. Phil. Let's just see if it's Dr. Phil. Let's just see. Hey, this is a fun game called Let's Just See. You never know. Never know. All right. This is all just a couple doctors. Yeah. And a guy named Phil. Yeah. All right. Speaking of huge hogs, being back in New York is getting me fired up. We actually, and I want to mention this before we get too fucked up, doing some live theater dates with the show. Whoa. Beacon Theater, November 15th. Whoa.

I know you guys are fucked with that. That's a beauty. Trying to follow in your footsteps. And then we got the Miller in Philly on October 25th. Capital One Hall in D.C. on the 26th. Celebrity Theater in A.Z. on December 6th. Damn. And then the San Diego Civic Center on December 7th. These are big rooms there. Huge rooms. Maybe too big. D.C.'s already about sold out, so that's cool. Wow.

DC's a great one. Yeah. The Capital One Hall, you been there? I did the Warner last. The Warner's cool, too. They told us Tysons, Virginia was where all the...

All the fatties work. Isn't that where Shane shot us? Yeah. Okay, cool, yeah. But Beacon should be great. I've seen a lot of fun stuff there. That's November 15th. All the tickets at AdamRayKami.com. Amazing. You're going to need some big space to fill if Oprah shows up. She is a hefty, hefty black lady. She's a big one. She goes back and forth, but we all fluctuate. You see flux. I mean, don't say it too many times because Salakius might get wood.

She flux good, I hear. She does. She does. She's got, she's got, yeah, there's that Jewy guy. He's, you know, there's a few comedians I try to really support in there up and up, you know. Looking hunky there. Stavros, this fucking Jew. And then what's her name? Debra Giovini. Sure. Yeah. Funny. She's funny. And then you guys, of course, I've been following you guys since the guy code days. Yeah.

Deep cut. But anyway, check it out. And then Adam Ray's got a special. I can subscribe on YouTube. Oh, I don't see so. See so. Tubi. You think Tubi will ever get back in the game? Jeremy Tubi. They're in the game. They are in the game. But it's a weird game. It is weird. Can I tell you a quick Tubi story? Please. So I'm on a deep dive, right, in Texas. No porn. No porn.

Yeah, that right. And Rogan wouldn't return my text. Yeah. So I said, well, what the fuck do I do? You know, go to Tony Hinchcliffe's house and sit in his hot tub, you know? He didn't have it yet. So I said, I'm going to pull up Tubi and just bounce around and scroll. I scrolled for about 20 minutes, Sam, before I locked in on a Michael Jackson movie that was on Lifetime. But Tubi bought it, of course. Ah.

And it was through the eyes of the security guard. And the guy with Michael Jackson, I think was an Asian guy. Don't cancel me. But he, every other scene had a different voice and accent. First scene, he was like,

You know, I just don't know if I can go on tonight. Next scene, he was like, I'm fucking hungry. And you're like, who is this guy? Yeah. And what'd you do with Daniel Day-Lewis? You know? But the movie was fucking dog shit, but I watched it all. Was it about his childhood? Yeah. I think I saw that, too. A little bit of the childhood, but also a little bit of, like, what was going on. You know, when he went to, like, a mall in Vegas, remember, and he'd buy, like...

Celine Dion's vocal cords or Jeremy Renner's butt plug. Remember he always might spend millions on weird vases and art. Coco the monkey. He bought the monkey. What do you call those things? Roller coasters? The roller coasters, yeah. I think we have that kind of money. Here he is, yeah. That's weird. Yeah, yeah. You lose taste and you go for weird. Yeah, and that's where they store it.

Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable on the way over here. I think The Rock owns a piece of a T-Rex. Well, yeah, you got to if you're The Rock. Yeah. Oh, wow. Remember these years? I owned The Rock the movie on DVD. Go ahead, Sam. What's the weirdest thing that you've used for your money, Dr. Phil?

I probably, I rented out a small space in West Hollywood, like a little one-act theater space. And we did an act out, kind of a stage reading of that Sean Connery clip where he told Barbara Walters, you can hit women. Mm.

We just did like a stage reading of that. We had a bunch of celebrities come through. We had Breckin Meyer from Garfield. Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. We had Richard Kind, who's been in everything, right? Bugs Laff, I think. And then we had a guy who knew Sean Connery. And then we had, who else? Candace Cameron Bure. Oh, wow.

who apparently hates trans people. Is that true? Don't quote me on that, but I read something that said, like, you know, full house ain't so full if you're at Candace's Thanksgiving. Well, she's a big release. Bigot. No, just stop there. She's a bigot. That's what it is. She's a bigot, yeah. DJ Tanner. Well, her and Kirk Cameron, you ever see that Piers Morgan? I think, I don't watch Piers Morgan anymore because, you know, I got Tubi, but Piers Morgan did this whole interview where he was like,

Kirk Cameron, what's up with gays? I forget how he phrased the question, but Kirk Cameron had said something about like, yeah, it's man and a woman time. It's not man and man time. That's fucking gross. There he is. Boom. God, you're good, James. First name again? Is it really? Oh, fuck. Okay. Matt, thank you, brother. He's a homosexuality the same.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice pause, Kurt. It's unnatural. We got it. Yeah. It's detrimental. Look at this guy. Ultimately destructive. Detrimental.

To so many of my dreams. I have so many gay dreams. I'm Kirk Cameron and I can't stop taking a melatonin gummy and dreaming of butt fucking. That's what he wanted to say, but he's like, let me just turn this on them. You know when you get off stage and you have like a mediocre set? You guys are always throwing darts against the wall. That's why I love you. You guys fucking press the envelope. Hell yeah. Take that fist in the air, put it to mine.

but I think that Kirk's doing the opposite. Instead of when you get off stage and you go, shitty crowd, you guys are good at going, now what the fuck did I do? Kirk gets off and goes, look at those gay guys fuck in the park. I don't know where he is, where that's happening, but he sees it, and instead of going, I'm fucking turned on by that, he goes, that's unnatural. Right. I mean, I don't know. We can keep this in or take it out. He looks like a boy. I mean, that's the weird thing when you...

A hard to hard he wanted to say. Everything's boner with this guy who was a character on the show. And getting fucked in the ass is a growing pain. Yep. We'll be right back. There we go. We'll keep it right here. I want to see more of that. That was crazy. I'll send you a link. I'll send you four. I got young pierces. Yep.

Is this a question if my kid was gay? Yeah. Okay, great. Sorry, keep going, Matt. As long as you're happy, I'm going to say, you know, there's all sorts of issues that we need to wrestle through in our life. And just because you feel one way doesn't mean you should act on everything. Hit pause, Matt. We do have all issues. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Chapter 26, don't let Kirk Cameron stop you from that grinder date. Ha!

It's a short chapter. They get pierced in the butthole. Some people would say that telling kids that being gay is a sin or getting married is a sin, that in itself is incredibly destructive and damaging in a country where seven states now have legalized it.

Mark, what's Norm saying about having a gay son? Oh, he's like, it's not an accomplishment. Everybody's like, I'm proud of my gay son, but he's like, being gay is an accomplishment. It's one thing if you're like, my son went to law school, Harvard Law, and graduated. How about you? He loves cock. Super funny. That's a great Norm joke. The thing about Kirk Cameron that I miss is, I guess, his ability to...

You know, he could hit a punchline in a kitchen next to Alan Thicke. Wow. Another penis-related guy in his life, you know? Thicke. Thicke, you know? He probably had a tough time even looking at his TV dad because he was thinking about cock the whole time. Well, how about this Olympian with the huge hog that lost him the gold? We've got to talk about it. I've seen too many clips of...

And I don't feel bad for him. No. I do feel ashamed for his family that you didn't know to tuck that shit or tape it up. I know, tape it up. Buffalo Bill that shit. Buffalo Bill that shit. I think there's part of me, I don't know how talented he is, but part of me thinks he did that on purpose to get his shine. To get a flashlight. This is Mayo Hawk Tua. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean... Get a Fleshlight sponsor. He lost the gold medal, but he's going to be just thriving at every bar in the world. Yeah, he gets to go to one at the bar and go, I'm the guy who lost.

Why'd you lose? Yeah. Let me show you the clip. Let me show you the clip. In fact, they're playing at the bar because every bar has Chive TV. Yeah. Chive TV. Shout out. Yeah, he lost the, I mean, that is, look at that. Everyone's doing, everyone's doing, yeah, look at that. RFK's, yeah. He can't find it on his own. Too many people talking about it. And he's a French guy, too. I know. Now, riddle me this, Sam. Do French guys historically have, you know, are they, do they get the gift of penis? No.

You know, it's not my area of expertise, Doc. Don't you lie to me. If the Jamaican runner can tape up his schlong, this guy can hide his... If John Candy can coach a Jamaican bobsled team, I think this guy can somersault his wing to a fucking press. I think it was going to be a white guy who knocked that down with his deck. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's a great point. It also looked... I mean, it didn't just hit it. It fucking... It looked like he was trying to wrap itself around the pole. Yeah, that was a real boing-oing moment. Yeah.

Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Come on, everybody. It's big cock talk. That's a good Jamaican accent. I take back what I said on the internet. That's pretty cool. Look at that. It's resting on there like a canary. I wonder what happened when the... Is there footage of the commentators when it went down? Because you know they play this shit on repeat. Oh, yeah. Oh, his dreams have come to a close. It was only just a little colder in here. Yeah.

Go to the Winter Olympics. Go to the Winter Olympics. You guys are quick. Did Snoop Dogg commentate this? Oh, yeah. Good question. Because that'd be fun. He's making bank, I hear. Would you guys do that? Yeah. In a heartbeat. I think that's next. It's a good trip. I used to think, you know, remember when they put Dennis Miller in the Monday Night Football booth? Oh, yeah. It was okay. I didn't love it. Not the right fit. No, I would have rather, at that time, I would have put Frank Caliendo in there. Oh.

Just have voice after voice calling downs. I think Adam Ray would have been perfect. He would have been okay. A little Jewy for my taste. A little hacky. Yeah, well, Theo Vaughn did a couple of Monday nights. Theo Vaughn did the college football, right? College football. That was it. Oh, he ripped it up on there. You do need a character, right?

Yeah. Because Theo's actually from Burbank, which is the crazy part. The accent's all put on. I don't care for comics with characters. It's a hairpiece I heard, too. It's a hairpiece. Oh, really? We've all got hairpieces at some point. These character comics, I don't get it. I don't get it. Well, we'll take a break and we'll see if you do get it, Mark. Just be yourself. Okay. Well, sometimes mixing it up is the way to break through, you know? Very strange. Sometimes as long as no one's fucking with you is yourself and you got to take some chances.

We're having a good time. Guys, what's your favorite color? It's not black. No, but I got to say, you're selling out the comedy store like hotcakes. We got to talk about this. Marky Mark, you came on. Sammy, we got to make that happen whenever you're out there. Come on, I want to do it. Try to make it work. We'll figure it out whenever you're out there next. It was supposed to be me and Chrissy back in the day. It was supposed to be you and Chrissy, yeah. And then Chrissy canceled a few times and then...

It's Chrissy Teigen. Oh, wow. That's Chrissy Teigen. I got a Chris DeStefano peeve. Can this be my peeve? Yeah, let's peeve it up. We've done a ton of casinos together lately. We're both building back up. I love that. We're doing casinos together. Sure. He brings his fucking family on every gig. No, you can't do that. I thought this was going to be party time. Yeah, it's party time. Yeah. Excellent. Last time it was just one daughter. Little, little, little.

Yep. This time, it's the whole family. I think you've got to swap them out and bring in Rob Lowe. That's who you're touring with now. I like it. You should bring in Stavi. Stavi, yeah. I mean, look, if you're going to a casino, you know, the first time I met Gary Veeder was when I joined along. Him and Adam Ray did a casino in Minnesota. Oh, fun. I think Mystic Lake. That's what I think.

Are we going there? We might be in Minnesota. And they actually saw Little Kissed here. You can ask Gary about it, but what a rock star. By the way, Gary Veeder's podcast, it's out in its entirety. I started to check some of it out. Ten episodes. The ending's incredible. It's worth your listen. Number one dad. I love that. You love it, right? Love it. It's so good. I'm on the edge of my dick, and I can't wait to finish it.

I'm at the top of my dick, but I'll still watch it. Well, careful with that pole vault. There is something about what you did at the store, Mark. You went hard in the paint. It was you, Burt Crasher, Goo Goo Dolls, Tony Inchcliffe, Dr. Pimple Popper. That's right. And you were legit grossed out by that zit. Oh, I ate half of it. Zits on the surface aren't a fun thing to look at. No. But when you see them up close like that, it takes another...

Yeah, I mean, there might be clips of it somewhere. Well, what's with women? Women like to pop a man's zits. Have you noticed that? They do. Get back there and whitehead it up. Oh, my wife, Robin, sometimes I'll try to get her in the mood. I'll put on a, you know, oh, shit, I don't know, Chevy Chase's Vegas vacation. Sure. She loves that. She loves Wayne Newton, right? All women love Wayne.

want to fucking sit on Wade Newton's face. Oh, yeah. So I put that on to kind of grease the wheels, maybe some Phil Collins, a lot of Yankee Doodle Candle. And then next thing you know, she's getting on me to straddle me, but she's popping a neck pimple. Not to ride me because she sees some sort of, you know, footlocker cyst.

Yeah. And she just wants to take a bite out of crime. This was the episode with Pimple Popper. She pulls this goo out of this guy's neck. Yeah, so we had a comedian come up here. How'd you get Salicus on stage so quick? That is awful. I don't like that either. Yeah, well, it gets better. Oh, man. Watch this. She goes for it. The fuck are you doing? Yeah, Mark couldn't handle it. Look at that. I couldn't handle it. I'm freaking out. Yeah, Bert was moments away from taking his...

Penis. And Mark. No. I think Mark steps off stage. Worst thing ever. Where's this guy from? His name is a comedian named Sandy Danto. Yikes. We had to blur that for YouTube purposes, but that was real goo. Consider that a cum shot. Yeah. And then watch what comes out here. This is.

Yeah. Good plug for Jerry. What the fuck? What is that? Oh, look at that. Check it out. So Mark's like, I'm out of here. And then I said, well, I'm a showman first and a doctor second. So people go nuts. Let me look to the side cam. No!

You got it. Right on cue. You got it. Brody Stevens style. Why would you fucking do that? Well done. Because the people were clapping. You've never done something you didn't want to do because the fans went berserk? Yeah. Comedy. Comedy, baby. Wow. Yeah, so that's what the show's turned into. A little bit of fun. Then we got some Goo Goo Dolls at the end. We sang Iris. I cannot believe you put that in your fucking mouth. Yeah.

How do you get these gets? How do you get a Goo Goo doll? I met them at Stern about five years ago. I went to Adam Ray's wedding. They played his wedding. Whoa. Yeah, pretty cool. Played Iris for the first dance song. Goo and a Goo Goo. Yeah, Goo and a Goo Goo. Favorite 90s band. If you could have them play at your wedding, funeral, circumcision. Good question. That's a hell of a- High Chemical Romance, Vertical Horizon. Sam, you strike me as a- Nope, I don't know them. Vertical Horizon, you know. I might go Sir Mix-a-Lot.

okay doing a birthday party let's go yeah yeah give me some uh oh me so horny no two live crew two live crew sorry yeah the uh horny mix-a-lot does uh not safety dance what's the boom boom boom boom well he's got big butts and i can't jump on it oh is that him yeah that's for mix-a-lot no okay fuck me well i think that's uh naughty by no uh boys uh yeah

Bring the pain. Bring the funk? I don't know. Jump on it, yeah. Jump on it. Do you have a karaoke go-to, Sam? Karaoke.

Yeah. Let's go. Leonard Cohen, Everybody Knows. Oh, that's a beautiful party. Walking in Memphis? Yeah, why not? I love that. I did it at a funeral once. No, you didn't. Everyone got really mad at me. Yeah, they were trying to cheer people up. And then I took the mic and did Everybody Knows, and everyone was like, what the fuck? It's a great song. Damn. Everybody Knows. I do nothing compared to you. The Deal is Rotten, also great. What do you do? Not this Tuesday.

Great song. Oh, yeah. That's a great song to leave your family to. Yeah. What's your karaoke song? I'd probably say Annie Lennox. Oh, yeah. Or Queen. Anything Queen. Bohemian. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody at a...

At a gangbang. Well, it didn't start off as a gangbang, but you know sometimes you walk into a barbecue and everyone's just fucked up already, right? Yeah. Zimas are flowing. There was Parcheesi out. Twister. But it was upstairs. You know, and everyone's like, Twister's upstairs. Is this how he got AIDS? Who? Freddie. Prince? Mercury. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Twister, I think, is what did it. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it might have been the butt fuck. Yeah, I don't know. It could have been...

There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. Don't tell Kirk Cameron. Don't tell Kirk. That's the name of my memoir. Don't tell Kirk Cameron. It's about Epstein Island and Baskin Robbins, how they got going. But we were fucking around at this party, and I forget what the question was. What was it? Oh, Fred Savage. Fred Savage is probably the most underrated kid actor of all time. Oh, yeah.

Wonder Years. Wonder Years. But my karaoke song, that's what it was, is probably Bohemian Rhapsody. I'll sing the Wonder Years theme song. I am a big TV theme guy, so I'll do the Cheers theme song. You know what I'm saying? Where everybody knows you're gay. Boom, boom, boom.

And you're always glad you came into a condom because she wasn't down for inside. Right. You got to be where, and I'm not good with the lyrics. I know the melody. Oh, you got it? I'll do it. Turn it up. Is this going to play? Are we going to get sued? You're going to get sued? It's Wonder Years. I can't be right. Yeah, no, that's not even close.

I think it was Joe Cocker was Wonder Years. Yep. What could it be? I'll also do some Alanis Morissette. Love Alanis. Anything from the 90s, but then every now and then you go back in time. We'll do some Huey Lewis. Hell yeah. Back in time. Another guy with a huge hog, apparently. Huey, oh, historically hung. It's the news. It just unravels like a newspaper when you take it out. I feel like Huey Lewis and the Jews. What else? What else?

Is this Wonder Year? Yeah. Stand up and walk out on me. Oh, this is Beatles. Yeah. Is this Wonder Years? It's a song. It's just a Beatles version. You sure that's the one? Oh, cool. You want to pull up my fifth grade T-ball video next, man? What the fuck are you doing right now? Nothing to do with what we're talking about. Thanks for coming out. It's another good karaoke time. It is, yeah.

There is something to be said about bringing the party together, right? Sure. Do you guys ever do that on stage? Are you ever on stage and you can feel people going, fuck, they're disconnected? How do you bring them together? Mark? You know, you shout things from Hezbollah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, the chants. The...

What's the word? I can see what you're doing. From the river to the sea? Give me a real answer. All right. Say it again. How do you connect the room, Mark? I do a little crowd work, maybe. Get them all on board. You do crowd work and people get on the other side of your seat. They're like, what's he saying? Oh, yeah. So everybody's listening. Yeah, I think it's an imperative skill set to have to bring a room together. Oh, yeah. Sometimes everyone can get on board with something that was not planned. You've got to be spicy with it.

They say if you actually get quieter and pause, the room comes in. You think you got to hammer them with laughs and punchlines and be loud. That's when they get talkative. Yeah, but if you go the other way, they actually go, wait, what's this? I love that. I whisper my joke. I'm like, psst.

Yeah. ASMR. Because you've got to listen even closer, dude. You have to. Sorry, Miami. Sorry. Fucking chatting. It's on you for being too Cuban. Yeah, stop doing blow and getting fake tits, you Cubans. Miami, though, that is the first place I ever passed out in a live bar. Really?

Really? Miami, yeah. Really? Yeah, karaoke joint. I was visiting a friend at the Miami Improv, and we popped over. And it was one of those places where everybody knows somebody in that little Miami Improv strip mall. Door Owl. Yeah, Door Owl. And it was a shit show. I think I saw God that night, or at least a lesbian dressed like God. And we ended up in the bathroom eating chips and salsa together. Nice. But, you know, fuck it. I didn't have to be home until a couple days later. I stuck around to go to the beach.

Not a big fan of the nude beaches in Miami. Really? I didn't know they had them. Well, okay. Yeah, well, they said once I got naked that I needed to put everything back on, but there were a couple kids that were running around. They were babies, so I guess I should have taken a hint that they were nude on purpose, but we have a clip of it. Oh, really? I just wanted to see how quickly you perked up at the idea of a nude baby video, Matt. Yeah.

Wipe that hard drive clean, buddy. Wipe that hard drive clean. They're on to you. Yeah, nude beach, never what you want. I went to Barcelona, and I was like, oh, we got a nude beach. And right when I said that, a guy rolled over, and I saw his disgusting hairy balls just flop like a beached whale.

Damn. What's that? Huh? Yeah. You guys left me there. No, no. Were you and the wife nude? No. I was just walking by. It says right out in the open. You can walk right by a nude beach. Let me tell you something. When you see a fat guy on the beach fully nude, it's inspiring. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, true. Because something about not giving a fuck. Comedians, people, whoever might bash gals for not wearing outfits that fit their bodies, I'm all for it. You know?

Eh, sometimes a giant midriff is a little uncalled for. Yeah, I'm inspired to leave the beach, honestly. Well, the hair. So much hair. I'm hairy as fuck. Are you really? You got that Robin Williams back and arm hair combination? I got some hair, dude. All right, what are you doing to us here? What type are you? What type of white guy are you? What type of white guy? Sure. Oscar?

Ashkenaz. Ashkenaz Jew. Okay, and that's a hairier version? Yeah, Eastern European Jews tend to have some hair. Ooh, there we go. What is this? Is that Stavros' wallpaper? Jared from Subway. Yeah, that guy is smooth. Pre-surgery. Oh, yeah. Look at that Bobby Kelly, everybody. See, I got no problem with that if you're facing that way, though. Yeah, it's like a boot. Don't turn around to grab the sun chips. Yeah, you rub that belly. That's good luck.

Yeah, I don't think you can be that big. Well, now in Southwest, they changed their seating arrangement. What'd they do? Well, it's no more free-for-all. It's no more jumping into C Group like one of the rest of the Narnia creatures.

C Group, you know, you guys have flown C Group. It's fucking Walmart past fucking midnight. C Group is bottom of the barrel. It's people you forgot we have. Oh, C Group. What I love in C Group is when you're boarding and you're like C-75 and there's some dickhead who's like C-79 and he's like, hey, what are you? We're both sitting on the fucking wing, Pedro. That's a butterfly C-section, I'll tell you. It's real. Tears to the sky. So they're...

They're changing it up. Yeah, people are mad about the free-for-all, the Sesame Street boarding process. It sucked. Yeah. You got to make a change. I mean, you should also fucking get some better snacks. Yeah. Make sure the flight attendants stop doing stand-up. I almost never fly Southwest. Yeah. Oh, my God. The flight attendants getting cocky with that mic. They're real cocky. That wasn't an invitation. Yeah. Imagine seeing an open mic or say, my special's coming out taped to the ha-ha. That's what Southwest Airlines does.

You know, flight attendants are doing. They're real confident. I gave her the light once. Yeah. Well, the weird thing, does Southwest still do the fat people get two seats? Because that was their claim to fame for a while. If you're a large- The claim to shame, yeah, that's fucking disgusting. Yeah, a human being, you get a double header. Double seat and you get a double quarter pounder. Actually, I walked past a nude row. It was disgusting. Yeah.

How about you guys, please tell me you've seen this, Matt. There's a gentleman, I think it went viral today. He was on a flight on edibles. Have you not seen this? Oh, fuck. This guy has now taken over the champ in my heart as the coolest guy on a plane to lose his fucking shit. Really? He went cuckoo for cuckoo.

First of all, I want to do an impression of the guy before you play it. Okay. He gets up here and goes, So first of all, he's already just a little bitch, but he's funny about it because he's on Edible. So I'm like, I know what that's like to be a little too stony baloney. You fucking bump into your friend's futon. You're like, God damn it. Now I got to get a knee replacement. He gets up out of the back row.

He's fucked up on Eddie's. You got a fucking Vietnam War vet helping him out or trying to get him a glad trash bag. And this guy gets into the aisle and he's just looking to kind of make one last statement before he fucking hocked who was down the aisle way. And he says a lot of fun shit. I don't know if you've seen it, Sam. I can't wait. He says, go Trump. But you know what? I'll take Biden, too. Very funny. Wow. And he says, what else did he say? Well, OK, great. Let's go ahead and watch it together as a family.

Awesome. Big fan of that. We're going to help you get some. No shirt, by the way. Whoa. How do I do it now? Slow. How do I do it? He's so high. Whoa. We'll sing a long time. I don't mind. He's undecided.

RFK, ride him in. Who gives a fuck? This guy's got a worm brain. I don't mind this guy. He's got the mothership security taking him down the... I don't mind this guy at all. My shoulder's a great start. Totally. Look at the zip tie. They really upped the zip tie on that fucker. Yep. What an annoying reason to be delayed. Well, see, this guy... That's exactly what I thought, too. Because, you know, cancer... If you've got to land in the plane for cancer, which I don't know why you would have to, but it's a stroke. Something that... You know, but...

This is equivalent to like a fatty being like, I left my wheat thins on the counter. Can we go back? Yeah. This guy's going to sell out arenas now with this. Oh, my God. This is funnier than any special I've put out. Can you imagine? There is something about going viral on a plane in this day and age. I think they also said he was trying to open the back door.

And that's not an anal euphemism. He was trying to open the back door to the plane. I see. To fucking hop, skip, and stop, drop, and roll. There was a woman who went viral for being like, this is going down, and now she's like an influencer. That motherfucker's not real. That motherfucker back there is not real. Yeah. He was kind of hot, by the way. Pull her up. She was real attractive. She wasn't bad. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Yeah, her name's like Chrissy or...

Pretty funny. She's got a little bad baby in her. Yeah. A little trash. See, that's what I'm thinking. Some people are doing this now. It's a real life. And then you just like have a meltdown in a flight and you start an OnlyFans and you're like, I'm good. That's it. You're set.

Oh, yeah. Does he have an OnlyFans? Probably. I wouldn't doubt it. I mean, I've tried to get Robin to get an OnlyFans going. I think there's money on the table to be had. Yeah, Robin the Cradle. I want Mark to spread those cheeks. He's got a fucking nice little... Oh, yeah. How would you guys have to get... Where would you have to be in your careers...

to dip into the OnlyFans pool. And what would you throw up? It's a two-part question. 40 less seats a weekend, probably. 40 less seats a weekend. You hear that, Columbus Funnybone? Step it up. Well, it doesn't – it wouldn't take. I don't think anybody's paying for our sack. Well, not with that attitude, Mark. You've got to believe in yourself. All right. Well, call in if you're willing to – Well, I just want to know, what would you put up, though? Or what do you think the fans would want from you? Toes. Taint. Taint and feet.

I don't think you see enough taint on the internet. I agree. And I'm not asking for messages now with taint JPEGs, but I think that that's something. Oh, so Karen's got... She's got all kinds of stuff up there. Oh, yeah. You can see it. I'll send you a link. She's probably making tens of twenties of thirties, thousands, huh? I think just no thousands. No thousands? All right. Well, hey, that's jazz money. She's doing all right. Yeah. Look at that rump on the right. I mean...

that's not too shabby. Very nice. There is something to be said about taking a step back, evaluating your life. When did you get a dog, Sam? Oh, it's my girlfriend's dog.

You don't like dogs? I love this dog. Yeah. You didn't like the dog prior to this dog? No. We had a tough few months, but we worked. You and the dog or you and the girl? Both. They put it down. Oh, shit. The girl. Yeah. Well, that's it. I think that's, maybe that'll be my nudes, is full frontal just holding the pooch. I'd sign up for that. You think chicks will be into that? For sure. That's smart.

So you didn't want the dog at first. You were kind of just anti... I didn't even want the dog. The dog's 17. That's a 17-year-old dog? The dog's old as shit. So it was probably in all the Air Bud movies. Even the last one that went straight to DVD, Air Bud 25, The Shelter's Full. And the new one, he's doing trans sports. Yep, he has to. Yeah, well, he got neutered. Oh!

That's fucking funny, Mark. Oh, good times. Good times. Yeah, I'm thinking about, you know, because I'm coming into a little bit more cash money in 2024, so I'm trying to buy some exotic pets. Yeah. Just fluff things up. I'm thinking bird, but not just parakeet. I'm thinking fucking like pterodactyl. Oh.

There's a woman who goes... There's a little outdoor scene at the coffee shop I go to. Does the story get better, Sam? No, it doesn't. Okay, continue. But there's a woman who comes with a bird every fucking day at 3 o'clock. I think I've heard of this. And the bird goes, eh, eh. And everyone's like, are you fucking kidding me? My point is, don't get a fucking bird. Don't get a... Well...

What kind of bird? Because, again, I'm talking larger than life. I'm talking like a... Pelican? Yeah, something that you wouldn't take to a coffee shop. You only take to...

you know, parties, you know, people go, what can he do? And you go, look, and how much money you got and what sort of a pole vault penis you're working with. And he'll, uh, or a, um, flamingo. Those seem fun. Exotic birds, two cans, unless you, uh, unless you're leading me to some fruit loops, I got no time for you. Yeah. Who needs a two can, but a flamingo is not a bad idea. Yeah. Cause it's exotic. And I think it's also, I always think WWMD, what would, uh, Mike do Tyson? Uh,

Not Pence. I know you were thinking Pence, Sam, but he wouldn't get a bird. He'd ask his wife if he could put his thumb in his butt. I don't know. Improv stuff. What's that? That's a good Pence. Sorry. I didn't know you did a Pence. I only do Pence getting a thumb up his ass and RFK after three shots of tequila. After leaving a dead...

Cub in Central Park. We got to talk about that. What did I miss? Oh, RFK, yeah. So I met RFK. Really? At the Kill Tony Forum show. I was doing it with Tim Dillon and Post Malone, right? Wow, this is the Mad Libs of a lineup. Yeah, Merry Fuck Kill. I don't even know where you start on that one.

I did some pretty wild jokes. I wish I could pull them up, but one of them I remember was we got Hans Kim and Rick Diaz getting ready to battle on tonight's Forum Kill Tony. I haven't seen this much bad blood in the forum since Magic Johnson's last game. Woo!

Not bad. I love it. Fucked it up by saying Michael Jordan for a second there. AIDS is really the through line of this show. I feel like we keep going back to AIDS. Yeah, the billboards are everywhere. Yeah. In Los Angeles. Everyone's like, apparently, I mean, I probably got it, but you just, you gotta, at this point. You live with it now. Yeah, you live with it. Yeah. Magic made it normal. But RFK, I met him backstage, and I don't want to say he didn't look like he had just hidden a bear.

Wait, what is this bear story? I'm off on this. I'll tee it up for you. Please, tee me. So RFK, right?

You know who he is. Yes. You've heard of Bears, right? Yes. What's your favorite Bear? That's a good team. Yogi. Yogi. Not black. Good Bear. Not black. Like Grizz. Bernstein. Grizz. Yeah, Grizzly. You got the Smokey. Yeah. You got the Bernstein and you got. You got Blue from Jungle Book. Bear Jew. He was a good Bear. Bear Jew. Who's Bear Jew?

Eli Roth. There we go. We got the bear from The Revenant with Leo. That's right. You got the bear from Grizzly Man when he killed that dude. That bear got me too. That was crazy. That bear got me too. Yeah, because he was, yeah, well, he was too. A lot of rape. By the way, that was, yeah, and that was the oldest girl Leo's been with, that bear. Ha, ha, ha.

Now, I love you, Leo. Come on the podcast. But I want to say this about RFK. Bear with me, Leo. The RFK Cubs, so he saw a Cub, Mark, that got hit with a bike. Okay. I don't know if it's electric boogie woogie or just a regular peddler situation, but the Cub was on the side of the fucking road and RFK's fucking Looney Tunes backstabbed

fucking butthole picked up a bear cub and said I'm gonna skin it for meat he said this to Roseanne what he said I'm gonna skin the fucking bear I was like is that Josh Adam Myers or RFK and so I'm gonna skin the bear for fucking meat and so he says that and I'm like

All right. Already creepy. Weird thing to say on a first date or to yourself. Yes. Then he's like, if I can't skin the bear for me. Then he says, I can't. Then he goes, I got caught up. By the way, you got money. Just get a fucking piece of grilled chicken. Why didn't you skin it? Great call. Hey, fucking Chipotle's everywhere, bitch. You got chicken steak. And guess what? Probably bear cut meat if you asked me.

The sweet Mexican guy behind the counter. You go, hey, can I get some extra corn? And do you have bear cub meat still? And he goes, what? You go, well, you've been having a good time. Bear frills. So he goes, I got cut up with my plans. And then I realized I got to get to the airport. So he goes, but I got the bear cub in my trunk. Oh, and by the way, he said it like, oh, I forgot I have a bear cub in my trunk.

Jesus. Which that leads me to assume, how many fucking child animals are you fucking rolling around New York City with? Wow. So then he goes, I don't have time to take it with me to the airport. I can't take it in my overhead luggage. The only thing this small I can carry on to a plane is Brad Williams, right? And Brad's not here. He's in Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone. So I got to take this bear to the park.

and I'm going to leave it near a fucking bicycle and stage this motherfucking motherfucker staged his own fucking hit and run with a bike and a bear. Coming to theaters next month. It's called Anatomy of a Fall 2. Yeah, yeah. Ted 3. I mean, I would watch a documentary about the...

I mean, someone's got to dress up like the bear and do like... I mean, the bear's got to... It'd be great if the bear wasn't dead. That'd be a great plot twist. Well, this is already a better plot than the show The Bear, which is not great. Tough show to watch. Yeah. Not a comedy either. I know! What's so funny? They ran out of soy sauce? Ha!

This is a real photo of him with that bear. Is that really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Why does he look so... But the bear's dead. Why is he making that face? He's doing a joke like he's biting me. Why is he... I don't like this guy. I don't understand. He grew up in a place of privilege, I'm assuming. He's a kind of... Marked his vineyard. And why is he always trying to prove how fucking hard he is? Yeah. I think you're discounting how cuckoo he is. He's also an ex-heroin addict.

And he's had like six wives. But do you see the video of him like with the snake? What'd he do with the snake? Look it up. It's fucking mental. He's like holding a snake by the head. I mean, I got a real problem with animal cruelty, but also with people. And look, talking about skinning a bear cub for meat, that just makes me think that you're like one weird choice away from... Killing your wife? Yep.

I agree. You don't touch fucking Cheryl, dude. No. You leave Cheryl alone, RFK. That was it, I think. He's got to fast forward. What was that, bro? Fast forward, okay. Fast forward. It's weird as fuck. This is my thing. Look at this. And he's ripped. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's the other thing, too. Jacked guys over 70 always throw me off. You ever go to a... Go backwards a bit. What's he doing? I don't like seeing him in his natural habitat. Yeah, this is weird. It's like seeing your teacher at the mall. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's your snake.

So he's just catching snakes and batting. What the hell? Did he add music to this? Is this system of a down? He's posting this video to be like, look how fucking tough I am. Oh. By the way, not a prerequisite in a president. It's like, hey, can you handle snakes? Right. So funny. Maybe in the old days. There's another one where he's holding it by the head. He's like fucking with it. Yeah, I always wonder when people post shit like this. Because you're right, Sam. It's like, why do you...

Yeah, that's pretty tough. He's got my vote. Change a tire, then show me something. Right. Holy shit. Okay, yeah, that's pretty crazy. I don't need you to do this, you know? You can do that with the Taliban. Yeah, eat it. That's actually a great call, Matt. If he bit the head off, I'd go, you got my vote. Not only for this, but for American Idol. Is that a rattlesnake? Cheryl, God bless you. What are you being in this video for?

It's amazing. This makes Larry look reasonable. They should have slowly zoomed in on RFK and gone, you know?

He's like, this dude seems exhausted. And Cheryl's like, I don't know if this is a good idea. He must wake up and go, I wonder if we could eat a giraffe today. It sounded better in my head. But there's something about this picture that I think lends itself to people who want to go to the zoo and go, well, maybe we're going to have to put up a higher shield. You ever see that video? It's titled, don't look it up. I don't think this is the title because it's something about

I saw it in the 90s. It was before YouTube. It was like a it's a kid annoys grill into cum shot and it starts off and the kid is just kind of tapping on the glass. Yeah. And I'm like, he's not annoyed. He's bored. He's like, it's my birthday. Do something. And then he turns into annoyed. Like ever see like one of those Karen's that taps on like a young black teenagers, teenagers car in a Target parking lot during COVID. Yeah. Are you supposed to be in this neighborhood? Right. It's tapping like that. And then the gorilla wakes up from a nap and

And just starts fucking shooting one off. Wow. And when I tell you all the jizz, Mark, I'm telling you all the jizz. I don't know humans or creatures were supposed to hold as much cum inside them as there was in this gorilla. Wow. He shot all the gorilla glue right at this fucking wall. Ha, ha, ha.

Thank God for the shield, which you know with chicklets, but also the shield that was up because you know there's a one-eyed kid walking around. It was my birthday, and I didn't have a shield up. And then all of a sudden, boom, he takes one for the team, and now he's got a story and some sympathy pussy coming his way. Hakambe. Hakambe. But now the shield goes up, and the most impressive part, boom, jizz, boom.

Kid doesn't flinch. What? You see a mouth like, is that all you got? A great fucking call. Sam, you fucking great and won. Yeah, well that kid's going to be a hell of a gay. Or a president, you know? Sure, sure. Or RFK's a...

Crocodile, you know, fuck me. RFK can never debate again because anything he says is like, oh yeah, how about you go pick up a snake, you weirdo? Yeah, this is my cub. I don't know if this is it. What do we think about, and also baby animals, can I say karma's a real thing? I think that the main, don't be surprised

Where's my, where's my RFK bear attack cam? Where is it? Right there. Right here. Don't be surprised, Robert, when a real life bear shows up in your backyard because you, they know, they know that you fucking took, took the baby. Yeah. And some, you know, and I don't wish anything bad on anybody except for, I went to high school with a kid named Micah DiNunzio. Mm-hmm.

And freshman year of high school, I was walking by him and his girlfriend against the lockers. And they were making out. There might have been some finger action going on. Sure. It was the 80s, right? Or the 70s. I forgot how old I am. But this kid was all up inside her, Keith Sweat style. And I said, get a room. And he tried to fight me six or seven times. Wow.

So... Nunzio. I don't want to say I hate him, but I just, you know, if a... You know, let's say if a fucking hippo showed up at his house and tried to, you know, fucking cut his dick off, I wouldn't be upset. Right. I'd laugh and then I'd go, I hope he's okay. There's too many gorilla jerk videos, though, on YouTube. Yeah. Of course, Matt knows that. That's not new information to Matt. A whole new weekend plan. Yeah, Jesus. Look at this. See, the kid has no clue. Monkey see, monkey goo. Oh, cool.

We'll be right back. All right. Look at this thing now. Oh, this is like a subway ride. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. That's a lot of eye contact. Yeah. I saw him on the sixth train. This guy's got a lot of girl hair. Oh, God. What did he just do? Shit himself? Oh. Right in front of the kiddo. Can I be honest? I threw up a little in my mouth. I'm not going to joke. Too low for the show. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We might be drunk. We definitely might be sick in a second. Yeah. We might be spunk. You think you feel shame afterwards? Don't try to change the subject from what we just watched, Sam. Jesus fucking Christ. No, you think the monkey feels shame? Not at all. No. I don't think he realizes what he did. He's eating it in front of my body. He's eating it. Yeah, shame. Yeah. Maybe while he's eating it, he's like, I'm a piece of shit. That's funny to think about if they have deep feelings like that. Wow.

I don't think animals can truly feel like weak. I mean, dogs, right? That dog knows what you said about it earlier. Pretty nice, though. I mean, he could have gotten an OnlyFans. It's rough. Is that a dog pun? Too many jokes flying around here. I can't let that one just slide by. Man, monkey jerk. Who knew?

Lobster tube and monkey jerk. Well, if you guys are around in November, I'd love you to come by the Beacon. Come fart around the Phil show. I thought you were doing the Gramercy. My friend Adam Ray is doing the Gramercy on August 11th. Oh, I see. When does this come out? Good question. August 25th.

Oh, great. Well, that's fucking way past the due date, huh? Thanks for the shout out. Yeah, August 11th. I think he had a great time. I heard it out. Went okay. Hey, if that invite stands, we'll be there. If we're Beacon Theater, it does stand. November 15th. Okay.

We usually like to surprise the guests, but let's just say a maybe or maybe not. Stacking up pretty nice. Throw in some Hail Marys. You got to do that. You guys probably know it's part of the booking process. Now, you got to go for it, right? Booking.com, booking. You know, got to go for it. To where? To your show. Go bring a bear.

I mean, now that's actually funny. That's actually something I should try to pull off. Bring them out and then bring somebody dressed as a bear. A whole family of bear cubs? That's good. That's funny. All right. We got something here. Because the field show is starting to turn a little variety. I mean, it's all rooted in comic fun and games with the interviews. We got one in September at the Comedy Store with Gabriel Iglesias, Patton Oswalt, and Jay Pharoah. And then good old Rob Lowe is going to come by in October. Wow.

Trying to stack that up with another hot hunk from the 90s. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who we go with. Cameron, dude. Cameron, oh my God. You know what, though? I would love...

We like to keep the show lights in, but part of me would like to. Kirk Cameron and Matteo Lane. That's my suggestion. We'll keep her right here. That's a great idea. Yeah. That's a great idea. That is good. Yeah, there's certain combos of people that you dream about. Matt, who would be someone? Obviously, I'd love to get Tom Hanks or Martha Stewart would be fun. Somebody that's game. You guys are great because you're down to play. You don't want somebody that comes on and lays a fucking dud. Maybe Trump. Trump.

How about A.C. Slater? Mario Lopez could be fun if we can talk about his infidelities, right? Yikes. I'd be like, yo, did he fuck around a lot? I don't know if a lot is the word I'd say, but let's just say it didn't stop with Kelly Kapowski. Oh, Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Tiffany Amber Thiessen, which Adam Ray and Brad Williams actually had her on their podcast. They went to her house. She had an avocado tree. Whoa. She had a couple avocados in that shirt.

She looked fucking good, I'll tell you that much. Mario, here he is on LinkedIn. He looks pretty good still. He does not age, this guy. And he's in my fucking hotel every day. Do you know he wakes me up? Not physically, I wish. You know, fucking careful what you wish for, I wish. But he comes on, you know, it'll be like 3 in the morning. My TV will just pop on Saw style, Sam. And he'll just go like...

A mysterious young girl. Angelina Jolie stars in this psychological thriller. Wow. Let me sleep, bitch. Now I got to jack off. That was a great Slater. By the way, this AC Slater run, Fergie in 1984. Let's go through the Lopez casualty. Here we go. He smashed a lot of poon. Tiffany Amber Thiessen, 91 to 93. They dated for two years? So they did date. I thought it was just on the show. Wow.

Wow. Well, Fergie's impressive. Am I seeing Jamie Presley up there too? I love Jamie Presley. She's smoking. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. Morgan Freeman, he had a menage a trois with Morgan Freeman. And Tim Robbins. Wait, it's one of the few impressions I do. Ready? I'll give it to you. I wish I could tell you Mario Lopez's cock didn't taste delicious, but it did. Ha!

It did. And I used my Visa rewards card to buy the butt plugs. All right, that's it. There's just a Hail Mary here, but would you be able to do Mario Lopez fucking you as Robert Downey Jr.? Sure. What?

Okay, so I'll play the scene out. So it's Robert Downey Jr. calling Mario Lopez to see if he'll come over and have a little fuck around. Do the black Robert Downey. Oh, we'll be right black. No, we'll keep it right here. All right, here it is. So...

Hello, Mario Lopez. Hey, Mario. So this is Robert Downey Jr. So, of course, you recognize me from Heart and Souls, Tropic Thunder, of course, Iron Man, Iron Man 2. I'm looking to take my Iron Man and bring him over to your house and put him inside your Saved by the Bell butt cheeks. I'm sorry. I should have rehearsed this, but I would like to rehearse a menage a trois or menage a trois with you and your girl or your family. I don't know. If you have a giraffe, I just watched this documentary with RFK where he put a giraffe in the woods and then tried to get it to suck his dick. Okay.

Wow. It's not bad. I didn't know you did a downy. I did. You know, everyone's got a little downs inside of them. But I usually, the only downy I used to do was the downy, the fluffy, the laundry bear. Oh. And then people say it wasn't topical, so I had to do an actor. But Lopez seems like, if Britney Spears is on that list. Wow.

2008. Get the fuck out of here. He really kept leveling up. Each one gets better and better. The first one, it's like a pumpkin and a kid. Yeah. Well, I think that's his family. Oh, I see. That's fine. We'll keep this in. He didn't fuck a pumpkin. Not with that attitude. But a pumpkin, you know, look, Biggs fucked a pie. Yeah. And Lopez fucked a pumpkin. And J.D. Vance fucked a couch. And Charlie Brown fucked his mom.

Whoa. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out of here. I thought pumpkin and I immediately went to Charlie Brown. I got ADD. Is that why she sounds like that? She's getting railed in the mouth. That might be my favorite. That's tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Brought to you by Cool Ranch Doritos. Woo. Give me a good Dorito graphic on that. Yeah. You got to throw it up. I'm surprised you guys don't have a chip sponsor yet. Oh.

Oh. You guys seem like solid chip guys. I mean, I have a Dorito. The movie and the snack. I love Dorito. Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch all day long, right? Okay, how about this? Favorite, if you get off stage, right, early show Thursday, should not stuff in your face like fucking Miss Piggy at like 1030. You know, it's late show. The club goes, or the theater, sorry. Yep. A couple of specials over here. And they give you a big bag of whatever you want, Sam. What are you asking for?

Bag of chips? Yeah. You're taking it home and you go, I'm going like kettle chip, salt and vinegar. Oh, high end. Not a bad call. You know what my number one is? Ruffles all dress. All dress? That Canadian shit? What's that, like a graveyard? Like all the sodas? So good. Graveyard? Yeah, that's what it is. Graveyard, all the sodas in one? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What do they call it? Suicide. Old Dress. Canadians fucking nail it. So like a ketchup ruffle? Oh, it's better than that. Don't cancel me. I like the, yeah, there it is. It's that one. I've never heard of the Old Dress. Oh, if you're in Canada, you got to fucking get that shit. Damn. Don't tell me how to live my life, Sam, but I'll probably try it out. Everything bagel. Chip. Chip.

Okay, that looks fun. Yeah, so you got every flavor and- Wow, that's a- Condiment. It's too much. No, but it's perfect. All right, I'll try it. All right, I'll try it. It'd be great if you had a bag because your pitch is pretty- You're coming in hot. Yeah. You're coming in- What are you going? I'm probably going- You know, I'm a basic bitch with the Sun Chips. Ah, you homo. Yeah, I know. I know, but I own it. I own it. I listen to Clay Aiken while I eat them. Ha ha ha.

Shout out. Drink five if you're playing the Clay Incan drinking game. Clay Incan, former sponsor of Sun Chips. Oh, yeah. No, but you guys are gullible as fuck. Also, Kirk Cameron's ex. Kirk Cameron's ex. $50? Yeah, that seems, wow. What the hell? This is the same size Sam buys his crackling old brand. Wow.

I knew we'd get back there. I thought I was going to let you off with one crackling fucking bit. All right, so we've got, let's see, sun chips. Black beans? What a fucking bad flavor. They're reaching. That's like Pop-Tart being like, we've got pillowcase. Yeah, you've got to deport that. Yeah, deport. Oh!

Oh. Send it right back. Black bean. Black bean. That's rare and inappropriate. I'm more of a pinto bean potato chip guy. I take pinto over black. Like a kidney. Now, what about, Mark, you said Doritos. I also, we're forgetting the chip. We're forgetting the fun guy. Zaps.

You're a fucking Nola boy. I love a zap. Is your zap like a Funyun? No, no. Pull up zaps. Voodoo, Crawdad. Yeah, these are Mesquite. This is your Louisiana shit. They're good. They are good. Crunchy as shit. They got crazy flavors and they burn.

I also, I mean, you can't go on with like a sour cream and onion. Come on. All day long. Yeah, Lay's, right? Yeah. I like the crunchier ones, but Lay's are good. The ketchup Lay's. Canadians fucking crush with that. Oh, yeah. Now riddle me this. You go to a barbecue, they run out of snacks, and they promised you, let's say you go over and the person who lured you into the fucking social gathering in the first place has now fibbed about the snack forever.

And you get there, and it's late in the BBQ. Twister upstairs is already complete. There's a sex chair somewhere. You've got to find it.

And all of a sudden you know that an Irish goodbye is in your future. I love an Irish goodbye, though. Oh, I can't get enough of an Irish goodbye. It's the best. How do you do it? Say who? Especially when your friends are pieces of shit. Oh, sure, yeah. You go, I got to take a wee-wee, you plop out the back door, or you do the fake phone call. That might be the best, because no one's going to stop it, especially if you're distraught. Ready? Try to stop this guy. First of all, tell me that you're at a Sunchip, Sam.

Oh, fuck. We're out of black bean sun chips. Oh! Shit, I got a call real quick. Oh, who's calling? Huh? Sorry. Uh-oh. I had a witch pussy. Wait, hold on a second. Sorry, sorry. Witch pussy? Where do I go? Well, tell me the address, Corinne. Sorry, sorry, Phil. Well, yeah, I can drive, but I've been drinking a little...

Oh, no, this is a crazy push. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mark, please. Sorry, sir. Yeah, it's my friend Mark. Yeah, yeah, the gay guy. Well, it doesn't matter right now. I just wanted to... Well, don't yell at me.

I'm not the one who did it. What happened to this vagina? I don't want your life. You're the man now, dog. Well, then fine. Go marry Kirk Cameron. Oh. It's like a medley. I'm the captain now. And then you bounce out. No, no, wait. Dr. Phil, we just found some garden salsa sun chips. You got to stick around. Yeah.

I want a divorce. And I'm back. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out of here. Holy hell. We got the beacon. We got the beacon. We got the forum soon. Well, who knows? We'll keep on jamming. We are announcing. We have announced as of today. We got October 25th, the Miller and Philly, about 85 sold out. That's an awesome one. Great. I can't wait for that. Then we got Tyson's Virginia Capital and Holland, D.C. That's about sold out. Beacon November 15th in New York.

That's about 50% sold out. Wow. And then we got Celebrity Theater just came out a few weeks ago, December 6th in AZ, and then the Civic Center in San Diego, December 7th. Holy cow. And then in 2025, we'll be adding Majestic in Dallas. MSG in Boston. You love that one, yeah. And then we'll be adding Chicago Theater in Chicago. Oh, yeah.

The hits will keep on coming, and hopefully you'll see these pieces of shit rocking and rolling. And, of course, go check out my favorite Jew, AdamRayComedy.com. I think he's got dates in Pittsburgh. And a new special on YouTube. Special like and subscribe on YouTube. His podcast about last night. He's got some other fun stuff coming up. And then, of course, Instagram, TikTok, Adam Ray Comedy. And I appreciate you guys. Appreciate the love. Yeah, Adam Ray. Let me take a shot of Bodega Cat. Hell yeah!

What a way to top the clock. What a way to close this night out. Make sure RFK's watching. Oh, that's a sealed one. Is there an open one somewhere? No, maybe not. Maybe I got to open this puppy. Oh, also check out... Right up front. Right behind you. Is that sealed? Yeah. Damn. All right.

How about just a Diet Dr. Pepper? You got that? All right. This is good pot. There we go. There's one shot left. That's a Southwest Sea Group of shots. Hell yeah. A little backwash. The black bean chip. You got it. I'm going to take this and pull it straight from the bottle. I'm going to make a little cheers. Drinking might not solve all our problems, but it's worth a shot. We'll be right back. The Baldwin said the same thing. Oh, too soon, but you know what? Too late, actually. Yeah, sorry, ma'am. I love you guys. Yee-haw, Rust.

Wow!

Oh, wait, we're still on. Yeah, we're still going. Follow us on Punch-Up. Are you on Punch-Up? Oh, yeah. Danny came to my shows at the Punch-Line. Adam's shows. That's good fucking bourbon. Punch-Up.live slash Adam Ray. Punch-Up.live slash Mark Norman. Punch-Up.live slash Sam Rowe. Go there. Give us your emails. That's all it takes. Chris Brown's on Punch-Up. You guys are too quick for your own good, but that's why I like being here. I think we had a good roll. This was a nice, we should run this back.

What was I going to say? New Dr. Phil Live is also, they're all on the YouTube channel of Adam Ray. Check them all. There's a new one from Seattle with Joel McHale and Sean Kemp dropping. Whoa, Sean Kemp's your guy. So Sean Kemp's...

me and Adam's guy and I'll tell Adam told me a quick story I want to tell you so Sean Kemp has a weed store in Seattle you ever go I'll hook you up go down and burn one down with him and Kemp came out to do the show we also had the voice of the Mariners Adam Ray's brother-in-law Derte white rapper Derte closed the show out had the Seattle fish market fish guys throw fish into the crowd I love the

Pike's Place, baby. Brought him down, hit him up, said, how much it cost you to come down and throw a fish? A fresh fish. A fresh fish and had a stroke. And so they said, we'll charge you this much, but how about this much because we like the show. Came down, did a Seattle trivia with Joel McHale. This show will be out, I think, August. What's a week from this Thursday, Matt? What is that? The real week?

Okay, thanks a lot, Matt. I think there's something about the 15th. August 15th, Dr. Phil Lapp from Seattle will be out. And when Joel McHale Camp comes over, we do Name That Dunk with him where we put up pictures of dunks. We show him all his pictures. He stood up like a kid in a candy store and was reliving it. It was fucking beautiful. And at one point, we showed him with him sitting on Rodman's shoulders in the 96 finals. I go, what's that called? He goes, Deez Nuts. Drop the mic, place went fucking nuts. Wow.

But Seattle Trivia with Joel, we asked a question. It was always fake submitted questions by kids like, who would win in a fight? Chris Pratt, my dad, Jay Buhner, you know? And then Joel would go, obviously, you know, Jay Buhner, you know? And then we'd go, who wants a fish? Lights on. Turn on some 80s music. These guys toss these 15-fucking-pound salmons into the crowd. I've never seen so much. You wouldn't think a T-shirt cannon guy, you know, says his own name when he comes. These fish guys were throwing these motherfuckers, and it was panacea.

Prices right means Oprah audience. I'm fucking telling you. You get a fish. You get a fish. You get a fish. And then the next day, Adam went down with Campy. He goes, come down and smoke with me at the shop. Oh! They walked around downtown Seattle, Sam. Smoked J's. Talked Seattle. He told them Nirvana stories. Told them NBA stories. They went to lunch. And now they're going to do a fucking, because the songs are coming back very soon. They're going to announce it very soon. Are they really? The restaurant? The Seattle Super Song. Oh!

Vegas and Seattle. But that also, hey, let's not sleep on that. Love it. You ever see the video of the kids spilling all the shit on roller skates at Sonic? Pull it up. Pull it up, Matt. It's a good thing to close on. It's going to be Vegas and Seattle. Seattle. I hope so. It is. And Kemp goes, we're going to do a live podcast with Adam, GP, and Rain Man during the preseason game at Kemp's Weed Store. Maybe just come out and smoke and hang. Hell yeah. Kemp...

man some banana stories he was telling Adam these stories about Nirvana right I go who was like the I said Adam ask this question I go ask who was like the cool Jack Nicholson people at Seattle and he said Pearl Jam Nirvana Griffey all those guys from the 90s Nirvana would hit them up last minute him and GP and go come down to this place we're playing a secret show they'd come down last minute sold he goes they were just potheads playing music man he goes I didn't see the heroine until late in the game and Rain Man was like then all sudden like you know towards the end he'd

come through and they'd be like going to a club and and Kurt be sitting there on the couch just fucking laid out and then they come back 12 hours later same spot didn't move wow almost like in a sugar coma but you know the other stuff yeah but uh camp told some great NBA stories uh

If he's ever rolling through here, I'll fucking, I'll put him in touch. He'd rip it up with you guys. He's a fucking legend. The Rain Man. Yeah, the Rain Man. Seattle deserves a basketball team. They do. They'll be back. Great basketball state, Washington. Yeah, nobody reps Seattle harder than this fucking single mom Jew. And music, too. I love that Adam gets to kick it with...

Pretty cool. As a 90s Knicks guy, I get what it means. Oh, he told me Anthony Mason stories. He told me about, yeah, he was a, it's special. It's also, you know, you want to be one of those guys that says, oh, think, you know, I know it's all generational. You know, everyone has the SNL cast that they've, you know, grew up with. But 90s hoops, I mean, it's just a different game now. Oh, yeah. 90s everything. 90s music, basketball, baseball. Movies. Movies. But hoops truly, like, show me anyone close to Charles Oakley right now.

I'll wait. Good glasses. Rick Glassman? Yeah, maybe. I got to meet him. I got to meet Charles Oakley. We shot a commercial together. For his dealership? No, it was for... It was like a weird Bleacher Report thing that never aired because it was weird. Of course it was. You got paid, yeah. I got paid, but it was a...

I spent a whole day with Charles Oakley. Hell yeah. And he was cool as fuck. And all you want is to tell him how much they mean to you as a kid. And he wasn't weird about it. I was like, hey, man.

you guys are the reason i love basketball and he's like that means a lot and he was cool as fuck and yeah that's all you want yeah you want that you want uh yeah that that's the the getting the that they hear that you appreciate what they do you know uh my boy adam was just telling me he was walking around new york and uh had a couple people stop him and and say uh they loved his joe biden and it's the same thing where you have to go like i told him i go you just got to act a

appreciative of it because it means more to them you know you don't we all get caught up in this business you go i don't fucking you know it's just i'm just doing what i do but people oakley he was a stud for you right who's your stud mark who's the guy that uh like uh ray rice there we go yeah

Because of his policies or what? Yeah, Michael Vick. Mark's getting into basketball. I'm getting him into basketball. So that's the one. You're not a huge sports guy in general, right? Nah, well, I like UFC. I like table tennis. I like skateboarding. I like the weird. But we went to Knicks games and you were into it. The Knicks games were awesome. Well, live is where it's at. That's why I always said I won't see bare naked ladies on YouTube. Live, Mark? It's an aphrodisiac. Have you seen Ape Come? They're a great ska band.

I believed you. Is that a real band name? No, no. Wait, this is a fun game. Fake band names. Ready? Rape Fart. Okay, we should probably end the show. How about Queef Baby? Ah.

How about Superdad? There you go. It's not bad. It's clean. That's BC. How about Kirk Cameron's Apology? It's a great band name. How about Bloody Jizz? Okay. Okay. Closer. They have to. Yeah. Boy, can I look worse in that photo? Jesus Christ. That's a good shot. I look like I've been burned. I took that. Thanks. You look like you're... Pull that up real quick. You look like you're looking back at the subway...

Well, I see the mic now, but maybe you're – yeah, this is you in about 30 years. You still look this frail, and you're looking back, and you're holding the mic when you take the subway, and everyone's like, boy, this guy just can't let people not know that he's a comedian. Yeah. You bring the mic everywhere. Yeah, yeah. The guy in the Facebook profile is like –

Oh, man, that's tough. By the way, both our pictures are on the mic, but what are you going to do? You have to do it, though. Because guess what? Oh, I'm sorry. Everyone in the world fucking knows who you are. You got to have this up so when people do stumble upon it, they go, what's this guy up to? He's got a mic? Right. Is that RFK's bear hurdler? Or huddler? However you say it. Well, yes. Punch up.

Check us out. New special on prime. Uh, you fantastic by the way. Thank you. Watch the great job, dude. Duh though. Duh. No shit. Yeah. We're all over Mark. Where are you going to be, man? I'm all over the road, baby. New Jersey, Redding, PA, Guadalajara and Mexico city. Uh,

Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, St. Louis, Atlanta, Vancouver, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto, to name a few. Monterey, that'll be fun. Yeah, Oakland, Winnipeg,

Yeah, peg me. I got to get up to Canada. I keep getting hit up for Canadian. I mean, the good cities, it's like America. There's good cities, there's good cities, and even the bad ones, you're kind of going to have fun. Come on, I know, right? You guys strike me as a couple of fellas that can just rip it up anywhere. Speaking of ripping it up, change your pants, table for one. Where could he not have fun? Oh, no. Where could he not have fun for a fucking night? I knew that was it. By the way, it took every ounce of my body not to fucking open my mouth and lean down there.

Just to taste some crackling oat bread. Can you hear me, Sam? Your cereal tastes like fucking farts. You fucking weirdo. New Brunswick, New Jersey. I'm building back up. New shit, guys. New Stress Factory, the 22nd and the 24th. Niagara Falls, Ontario, September 13th. What is that, the soundtrack to the Barbie movie? And then we got...

And then we got, I actually love that film. I got London, Belfast, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm. Uh, and then I'm back in the States. Got Cleveland. There we go. Hilarity is going to try to build back up here in November. Uh, punchup.live slash, uh,

any of our names. Adam Ray will be at Hilarities in October. That's a great club. You get the bat. One of my favorites. He did it for the first time last year. Got that bat from Nick. Top notch club. Nick, Sam, we love you. Nick, we love you guys. Yeah. One of the best. And I love you guys and I appreciate the love today. Praise Allah. Praise Allah. Praise Oprah. Get the book. Get the book. We've got issues. It's out there. It's the one thing I can do. Oh, and I think that's it. Good night, everybody. I'll see y'all in hell.

Day for my next bed. Woman's talking shit. I'm dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't