Ep 188: Mini Us & Bodega Cat
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Yo! Yo! Hey, we're here. We're doing it. We're back. I haven't seen you forever. Yeah, it's been, what has it been, two and a half weeks? Three weeks? Well, you were in Europe. Yeah, I did Austin for a while, then Europe, so it's been a long haul. How long? I mean, I'll bet Austin, that was like a long week, right? That was a while. You know, you land, you go straight to kill Tony, you meet up with Ari, you black out, you go to the mothership, then we do...

You doing IV or no? No, we should start doing that. Yeah. We should start doing that. But that city is just as naughty in the air. It's this evil in that town. It's Ari. Yeah.

It's just Ari. It's just Ari. No, I know what you mean, though. It's like, it's such a comic-heavy town now that when you land, like, I'm doing that trip in, like, a week, and I'm like, oh, fuck, that's gonna... I've never done Kill Tony. Oh, it's... My first time doing it. You're gonna have a blast. Yeah. Just keep your head on a swivel, because it's just cigarette smoke and booze and drugs and girls in cowboy boots and Sixth Street and...

And there's like that, you know, that like New York pressure of like, hey, you got to be kind of appropriate. Got to be. That's all gone. You land in Texas and you're like, yeah, you're like Yosemite Sam all of a sudden. Yeah, no, it looks fun. And how was Europe?

I'm in love with Barcelona. Yeah. I mean, we could do a whole episode on it, but it's like, it's so well run. It's clean. The subways are on time. The people are pretty and thin and the food is not bad for you. We stayed on the beach. You take a 10 minute subway into the city. The city is beautiful. There's no litter. There's no graffiti.

Ah, the paella. The sangria. Sangrias. We should do a sangria. We haven't done one. That's true. We should make the sangria. Yeah. We could do that like while we're talking. Maybe we do a little potion. Because those are fun because you can kind of freestyle with those a little. Oh, yeah. It's a little of wine, a little of booze, some rum, some, what do you call those? Alligator tears. What's that? Some pussy juice. No, I'm just going crazy here. Eye of newt. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like banana peaches.

peels and uh it looks like flint water you know it's just got shit floating in it you feel the same way afterwards that that sangria hangover that was like a college drink for me because you get you get that box wine cheap yes and it don't taste like box wine no whatever maestro's done mixing it up you throw a little oj in there triple sec i don't know what else the hell you put in there but oh yeah tequila yeah it's it's kind of like a long island iced tea that's classy

It's like a four in Long Island. It is, yeah. It's a great drink. I had about 1,000 of them. That next day hangover with all the sugar, too. Brutal. Red wine is always bad news, but I'll tell you this about Europe. They're better than us in 90% of the ways, but you can't get a fucking drip coffee. I know. A flat white? Yeah, what the hell is that? Of a flat white. That's my ex. Give me a fucking... Sorry. Sorry.

But yeah, give me a drip. Just hit me one of these or the pitcher. We sound so trashy. Remember Richard Jennings' joke about how the French had the croissant? And we take it. Here we go. Give me a croissan'wich. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's so fucking true. That's so true. It's our way. We're used to it. We sound so uncultured right now. I know, but I got the Americano. I'm watching them pour water in it. I don't like them. The whole thing stinks. I love a good drip. Yes. Man, there's nothing better on the road when you find that like indie coffee shop. Oh.

Oh, yeah. You got the trans barista. Yes. That's where every trans person goes. That's their job is the local artsy coffee shop. That's true. What is it about coffee that brings out the trans people? I don't know. But I think it's a warm community. Yes. Yes. I think you're right. It's like readers and intellectuals. That's true. I love a good indie coffee shop. Me too.

but they don't have drips. I went to a diner out there, and you've got to keep ordering coffee. There's no pitcher. You can't get the hun, the diner waitress with the pencil in her hair going, how you doing, sugar? Need another refill? Top off? All gone. This is how we grew up, so this is what we want. I'm the same way. I was in Rochester, New York last weekend.

Not exactly Europe. I fucking love it. It's a fun town. There's a boxcar diner called the Highland Park Diner. You been there, Matt? Yeah. Great diner. That's like a classic. And anytime I see a boxcar diner, my fucking dick perks up. Oh, I love a boxcar. My nips are hard. Pull it up. Oh, it's a great little spot. And the waitress...

It's just great. They have that Jamaican coffee blend, which sounds awful, but it's great. No, I'm into it. It's... Come on. Oh, yeah. Classic. Look at that. Doesn't that just... You look at that and you're like, this is where I want to go. This is perfect. You get that big fat omelet. You get the hash browns. Love it. And... Great for a hangover. You go in there, you get like a everyman breakfast and you just shit it all out in like 20 minutes. Yeah, dude. We... I was a little hungover that first day, actually, because...

I was giving out Bodega Cat shots. And by the way, we're drinking Bodega Cat right now. It's legal in New York. It's at the fucking cellar, the stand. Go to those clubs. Order Bodega Cat. Hell yeah. We're the old-fashioned. You order an old-fashioned in the comedy cellar. It's with Bodega Cat. How cool is that? And it's coming. If you're in California, you're in, you know. Texas. Texas, Florida, Georgia now. Kentucky.

Yeah, Kentucky. Yeah, yeah. We're fucking cooking, so get some bodega cat in the menu. One state at a time. We're like weed. Eventually we'll be everywhere, you know? And abortion. But-

Highland Park Diner killer and something about, yeah, you're right, like the waitress, the diner waitress. Yeah. Something about it. It's America, baby. And these Europeans, they cannot get on board. They got all these fancy espresso machines and all this shit. I'll take a Keurig over an Americano. Well, this is also why their people are thinner than us. Yeah.

It's all about like small portions. A little tiny espresso. Yeah. The portions are just smaller over there. The gelato, the little spoon. Well, you wonder why these French women are so thin. It's like, you know, they drink wine and eat cheese, but they don't have a shitload of it. Exactly.

And they smoke cigarettes all day to kill that appetite. And they're walking. And that's what keeps that body tight. Oh, yeah. I mean, I stayed at the beach and I was just like, where are the fatties? I couldn't find them. They weren't anywhere. And I look out the window of this restaurant. I see Michelle Wolf run by. And I go, get the hell out of here.

out of here. You just ran into Michelle Wolf in Barcelona. We were texting a little, but then I just happened to see her. It feels like a small town over there. She's running on the beach at like 7.30 at night. The sun doesn't go down until like 11. It's crazy. Weather was perfect. So I hit her up and I go to her room. Killer room.

Comedy Club Cafe or something. Oh, shit. She just lives in Spain. Lives in Spain. I met her daughter. Cute as a button. So cute. And we hung out. We talked shit. We made fun of a few comics. And then...

I did it. Comedy Clubhouse. Great room. Killer. Hot crowd. Damn, I wish I was popping into Spain on my Euro trip. Oh, yeah. I don't have time. It's worth the look. I mean, it's a beautiful city. It's so well run. Hey, Michelle Wolf sold out. Look at that.

Yeah, man, I'm so bummed. So I get to the Burt Kreischer Fully Loaded Tour. Yeah. And the first thing I say is like, man, I wish Norman was here. And Victoria, who's running everything, goes, that's exactly what Norman said when he showed up. You know? And I was like, because I feel like everyone had their other half. Big Jay and Soder. Bobby Lee. Chad Daniels and Kelsey Cook. Yes, exactly. Bobby Lee and his boyfriend, Pillow. Tony Hinchcliffe and...

I don't know. I don't know. His Corvette. Adam Ray. Adam Ray. There you go. They're buddies. You know, and then I had Bobby Lee the first night. We were hanging out the whole night. Attell and I were hanging out, but then I only had them for one night because Bobby fell off the top bunk and broke his face. I heard. The best part is Bobby Lee is complaining. Look, no one wants a top bunk, especially like I'm tall. I don't.

I'm kind of like, I'm all right with it, but it's not my favorite. Yeah, it's the worst. We have that fear just rolling out. Yes, which he did. And you got to pee. We drink all night. Then you finally get to bed. You got to pee. And now you're climbing down and then climbing back up. I put my foot on Soder's face. He came. I mean, the whole thing was tough. And it's like dark in there. The bus is jiggling. That part sucks.

But great fest. We had Dave Attell, you know, just wouldn't sleep on the bus. So he's just chain smoking in the main area. And he's like, I'll just wait till I get to the hotel. It's like nine hours. I know. He's just hanging out.

Yeah, oh, look at that. He sleeps in the hotel all day. The best part about the fest, the shows are great, the crowds are great, Bert hooks it up, there's barbecue one day, and the next day there's cheesesteaks, and then there's deep sea fishing or whatever. All kinds of crazy go-karts. He brings a trainer with him on board. Yes! Shout out Larry, that guy ruled. And then, dude, we're doing ice bath. Did you do the ice bath? I couldn't do it. I love it. Really? It's awesome. It's like coffee. You wake the fuck up. Ugh.

I watched Canaan do it, which I didn't expect him to do it. Yeah, Canaan's a wild man. Yeah, but he also, I heard, didn't used to hang-hang, and he was down to hang. Oh, good. I went surfing with him. Whoa.

I'm a city hick. I'm not going surfing. Yeah. I've never done it. It was great. Wow. Not a ton of Jewish surfers out there, are there? Is that a thing? Yeah. There's Moishe Greenberg, the famous Hawaiian. No, I don't know. He's just scooping up locks. Give me that white fish. He's fighting bears. Come on. Give me that.

Yeah, good for Kinane getting out. It's such a great fest. Hold on, what was I going to say? Oh, the best part was after the show, we would all sit in a circle, smoke cigars, and David Tell would tell us stories, and Bert would counter with a story about, you know, Jay Moore, and then David Tell's like, well, what about Robert Schimmel? And all these, it was just a great, that was the highlight. Yeah, Jelly Roll showed up. Yes! That guy was fun as hell. He brought the house down, holy shit. He's awesome. Great guy, loves comedy. He likes getting

and zinged. That was fun. And did you guys have that? Who's that short guy? The country guy. He's got a hat and long hair. He might have showed up after you left. I don't think I was there for him. Hugely popular guy. That's it. Marcus King. Yeah, I've heard he's amazing. I watched a few videos. The guy's a feeder. Yeah, yeah. I've listened to some. He wants to come on. Oh, yeah. Really? Come on.

What is he, like 25? He's super young. Yeah, what I've heard is awesome. Yeah, he's great. And Bert was talking him up like crazy. Yeah.

Feels like country's back, like old school Merle Haggard country. Not like, I want to talk about me. You want to talk about my, I want to talk about G by B by boo. Toby Keith bullshit. That's the guy we had. Yeah. I mean, jelly roll, jelly roll, just smoking weed. I heard a jelly roll story from back in the day. You know, back when he was doing other stuff that he, some guy stole his car in Nashville and,

and took it to like some place and some guy goes uh is this jelly rolls car and he goes yeah and he goes i would return that if i were you and the guy brought it right back to the exact spot he stole it oh wow like that's the it's almost got to feel good yeah you're like you're like he stole my car but he knew what the fuck was up damn i can't believe he returned the ice cream truck

No. He said he'd come on this too. He wants to come on. Oh, I'd love to have him on. He had his right-hand man, like he's got a little assistant guy, and then I got to talking to him. Yeah. He's missing an eye. He's missing a finger. He's got all these crazy stories. He had an IV girl.

Yeah, that's right. He hooked it up the first night. He was like, does anyone want IV? And I was like hurting. So crazy story. I was supposed to go to Chaz Palminteri's one man show, but it was a night before Bert. And I was like, I was still pretty sick. I just had a fucking head cold. And I'm like, I got to get a good night's sleep rolling into a fucking fest with Bert. Of course. Because you show up. It's just booze from the second you get there. Yeah. And then.

I was like, fuck, I'm not going to go. I got to rest. I text Chaz and I said, I'm so sorry. I'm sick and I have to go out on the road tomorrow. He goes, I totally understand. I want you guys to see the show. So we got to find a time to see it still. But I get to the airport Friday morning. I see Mike Lavin, Homeless Pimp, who directed...

Chaz's one minute show. Oh, that's right. And apparently it looks incredible. And he goes, dude, you should have come. It's a classic Dave Attell, you should have hung out, man. What happened? Oh, five minutes after you left. Yeah. Kevin Spacey came through. Oh!

He's like, we hung with Spacey all night. And I'm like, holy shit. If I was there, I bet I could have fucking talked him into coming. I just feel like I could have talked him into a We Might Be Drunk. 100%. He's a wine guy. He's gay. He probably likes us. Get K-Pax on.

That would be a fucking all-timer. I know. Eat your heart out, Piers Morgan. We'll get two cries. That's true. That was a weird interview, wasn't it? Oh, my God. Well, it's also tough because he's such a good actor that like... I know. It feels like, you know, what's the movie with Ed Norton, Primal Fear? Yeah. You know, where he's just like, you're just like, fuck, this is such a damaged guy. And in the end, he's like, I got you. Acting. Yeah, he walked out of there like Kaiser Sosa. He fixed his leg and he was like, oh, I just pulled that one off, you know?

But damn. Only Jussie Smollett was a better actor. He could have pulled this off. I'd love to have him on, too. That'd be fun. Interesting, yeah. And we'll just say we'll have him on and then not. All right. But yeah. He'd be an interesting guest. But yeah, I was bummed I missed that. That tour was fucking fun. So fun. They really killed it. I've done it a few years. This is definitely the best year they got it. And how about that swag bag?

Oh, my God. I only got one thing. Thank God I took the headphones. Because I was like, I'll just take these for the flight tomorrow. And then they're like, we'll mail the rest. They mailed my bag to Kinane. So Kinane's got my stuff, too. Well, he'll send it over. Yeah, maybe I'll get it. But I also...

That fucking headphones are a game changer. Oh, huge. Air Max Pros. I never use those. You put those on. Oh, yeah. Noise canceling. I'm fucking, I'm reading on the flights. I'm not hearing shit. That's the best. So. And Chad Daniels and I got buckets on two dudes. We were fucking raining. Oh, really? Oh, there's footage. It's on one of my things. On one of my stories. Oh, no. It's in my, uh, my Burt post. It's on one of the slides. You see us fucking cooking. Chad's the man. He's got a new Netflix special coming out called Empty Nester. And he had killer stuff, dude. So funny. And, uh.

Yeah, it was a good hang. Oh, man, I got a wreck. Oh, please. I read this book called Dinner with DiMaggio. And it's just about... It's just like old DiMaggio stories. This Dr. Rock Positano takes out... He just takes out Joe DiMaggio for dinner. They become like dinner buddies. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's probably fucking... Oh, there's a Bobby Lee one probably. Yeah, it's in the slide. But it's whatever. It's not... Yeah, don't worry about it. Uh-oh. But then...

They become tight. DiMaggio's just like... It's fucking... He's just like epic, dude. Yeah. It's like from his falling out with Sinatra, hates the Kennedys, failed marriage with Marilyn Monroe because she couldn't have kids. Wow. That's why he didn't do it. I didn't know that. Yeah. Italians, they need a fucking hair. That's right. You know? And they have great hair, you know? That's true. But he...

All these crazy stories, man, like hated Mickey Mantle, loved Gehrig. Luke Gehrig was like his mentor. This one story, it's Luke Gehrig basically knowing something's wrong with him, but not knowing it's ALS, and he's just dropping shit. He's used to seeing this is the best player he's ever seen. This is like his mentor when he was a kid, like 36 or something. I think Gehrig's 36 years old, too. Something's wrong, and he...

It's starting to play worse because something's wrong with him. And in the locker room one day, he's like, something's wrong with me. I'm going to retire. And he's like, what do you mean? He's like, well, I can't stomach the thought of being taken out of the lineup or being benched. I'm going to retire. So he just starts crying in the fucking dugout. And DiMaggio starts crying. You're like, that's an insane moment of baseball history. Yeah, of course. Holy moly. Fucking crazy. Two of the greats. And also, wouldn't it suck to have a disease named after you?

The worst. The worst. Name a sandwich. What are the odds? Yeah. You're going to give me the disease? You're going to name that after me? Like the Heimlich is made by Jeffrey Heimlich, but he's like a hero. I got Mark Norman disease. What is it? It's basically ass cancer mixed with AIDS. This is really bad odds. Yes, exactly. I don't want that to be my legacy. There was this comic I started with, Glenn Coyle. I'm sure I've told this on the podcast. Back in the day, he's passed away. He was a really funny guy.

But big boozer, really fun guy. Yeah. In a joke, he goes, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. That's just a great one line. That's a great joke. But yeah, so many good stories about DiMaggio. Just like, he's a character, man. Yeah. Old school. Fucking...

Just a ridiculous dude. I highly recommend if you like, even if you don't like baseball, it's just good, good old school stories. Love it. Love it. Baseball used to be so big. I know. I know. I still like it a lot, but it's not, it doesn't feel like it, what it was, you know? No, it's totally champion. Have you seen the Savannah banana? Yeah.

Oh, that was fun, dude. Well, oh, you were there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I heard their amazing live. But I'm like, this is what baseball's come to? It's basically like twerking and tick-tocking out in the field? I don't know. It's like their and one. Yes, yes, exactly. They were struggling for a while, and they really blew up. And I'm not trying to shit on them, but I'm like...

It's pretty funny. Can we just play the game here? Is this fair? I mean, it's more... It's not... I mean, they're baseball players, and it's like a summer gig, you know? Oh, so they're not really playing in... No, a lot of them are minor leaguers and stuff. They're not just... I mean, they're like good players. Oh, okay. So the minor leaguers are, you know... I don't know if I... It's a summer gig for them to make some extra scratch. Oh, all right. I thought this was the minors. I thought they were playing AAA ball here. No, this isn't like...

This is like, it's almost like the Globetrotters versus the Generals. Oh, that's a good way to put it. And there's two teams. Okay. Yeah, it's not that, but it's super gay. It's like Chippendales. They're silly as fuck. They were really cool. We hung out with them. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because we went and did BP. They were doing batting practice. Oh, wow. I got a few fucking hits. Really? Yeah. Burke got some hits. Yeah, Burke can swing. Yeah.

Okay, I take it all back. I just thought this was... I thought they were playing in the actual league. It's pretty fun. What are we doing here? The league's gone to shit? This guy's shirtless? No regulations? All right, now I feel better. I was bummed we weren't doing the gigs. It would have been so fun if we were both on those shows, man. I know. That's why we all signed up, was to be together, but you kind of get randomized. Yeah, I'm also missed. I almost rolled into...

just to, like, pop in because it's so much fun, but I couldn't make it work with just other shit. But I want to see Stavi, you know? Right, Stavi's there. I'm just glad I missed Whitney. But how were the shows? Because we had a couple of tough ones. We had an outdoor. You would make in Georgia. I heard that was a tough one. That was a tough one. We all hated that venue. The first thing Attell said to me when I showed up, he goes, well, look who showed up for the indoor shows. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

yeah those outdoor ones are palm beach outdoors was kind of tough okay but then we did indoors we did savannah they were good although i got heckled on my first fucking joke really i kind of had to change jokes whoa the guy who went before me they would do they did a trump joke and i was like i was gonna open on just whatever joke but i was like i got a funny trump joke i'll open with because it was just pretty it's pretty down the middle and fun yeah uh

And I couldn't get a line out because they were going, go Trump. I'm like, just let me tell the joke. Right. You're going to like the joke. Exactly. So then I just had to call an audible. But yeah, Savannah was good. Okay. And then. Right down. Oh, dude, I wish I got to explore more. But we got to see a little. And then we did West Palm was the outdoor one. That was a little tougher. And then we did Daytona Beach, which was killer. Oh.

Oh, nice. And the best part is all the people that you're hanging with all day, like the surfing people, they're backstage at the party after. Yeah, right. These surfing instructors, and they're hanging drinking with us. I love that. Yeah, we did a South Carolina, was it Charleston? We went red sea fish, what do you call it? Red fish. I saw that. Incredible. You were holding something. I caught two sharks, and then if you can find it, Peters, there's a...

How big were we talking? Burke caught a redfish. It must have been like this big. It was 30 pounds. We all had to get behind him. He's shirtless, so you're getting all that back sweat. And we pulled that thing out of the water, and then we all got drunk with the fisherman after. I don't know if it's on my slide, but that was the river dogs was the medium. By the way, Joe DiMaggio gets a shout out in Old Man and the Sea. Wow.

And fucking Mrs. Robinson. Wow. Too iconic. You just made me think of it as the fisherman. That's crazy. Those are two iconic things to be shouted out in. Yeah, you're right. Here's to you, Joe DiMaggio. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Yeah. Yeah, and here's you, Mrs. Robinson. Right, that's it. I like that updated version, too, that Lemonheads one. I don't know that one. It's in Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

Oh, yeah. If you can find it, you might have to scroll down. But either way, it's going to be a while back because you got to hand it to Bert because I did two or three days and I was like, all right, I'm a little fried. This guy goes for a month. I don't know how he does it. Oh, there I am in a fucking Jesus Christ sauna. Oh, what is that? Yeah. Took a lot of talking to get a Jew into one of those things. I know. I saw that oven. There's Pete. That's Bert's right hand man. He's great. Pete. Pete-a-lee-dee. All the ladies love Pete. And some of the dudes, too. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, there we go. Cut to Jew concerned. Is this going to work? Are you sure? Wow. See, now this is all stuff to beat a hangover. Yeah. I mean, it is that he's described it adult summer camp and me bent over. Can we get one good shot of me, please? It's me like scratching my butt. Yeah. Bert's just trying to kill that inflammation.

It was great, man. Yeah, no, I'm bummed I missed a lot of people on the other one. Keep going. Keep going. That was Sam surfing. Really? One more down. I got up on my first try. Really? Yeah. Wow. Fucking yoga, dude. I'll tell you. Yeah. Surfing's tough.

It's really tough. And this is like easy waves. This is definitely beginner surfing. I'm not good at it, but I did get up on the first one. There we go. Bert is pretty athletic. He's so athletic. Yeah, he's just good at most sports. Is that Daytona? Yeah. Daytona was sick. And of course, as we're leaving, they're like, yeah, it's the number one. There's Canaan. Hey!

- That counts. - They said it's the number one-- - Shark? - Yeah, shark attack. - Oh, great. - Super captain. - Oh, here we go. - That's me. - In the pool. - But I got up the first one. - All right, here we go. Yeah! Oh my god! Surfberg. - That was my instructor, not too bad. - Yeah, well. - I think I said something about like the sodium. - Oh, that's funny.

No, I was hurting. I had to get out. I was like nauseous from booze the night before. Oh, yeah. Just that fucking, just that seawater. You're like, fuck. There's the, that's one of the sharks. Oh, look at you. We got. That's Soder. If you keep going, I think there's a redfish in there. Oh, look at you. Yeah, we're all hungover. Good times. That's me going, you like that guy? Really? You think he's funny? Is this a fully loaded page? Oh, yeah. This is cool. Or is this Bert's?

Okay. Oh, man, what a crew. Very good choices of people. Adam Ray's awesome. Matt McCusker. Matt, I missed a lot of people. Stavros. Yeah, I never hung with McCusker. I love to hang with him. I never see Adam Ray. You rarely see Whitney. It's like a lot of people just never see him. Yeah. Simmons is the man. Cook was catching a ton of stuff. A lot of weed. There it is. It's nice because usually on the road we only catch HPV.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, good time. That's at fucking 11 in the morning, by the way. Yeah, wow. Just getting after it. But you wake up early on those. I just don't sleep on the bus, dude, especially in the top. Soda and Jay, those guys are smoking so much weed. Yeah, true. Everyone's smoking that fucking jelly roll weed, too. That's the shit that'll fuck you up. Oh, yeah. I mean, seeing Bert fucked up. Oh, yeah. Bert, by the end of the night, he is wrecked.

And it's fun to watch. Yeah. Because he'll tell you anything. Oh, there we go. Good times. All right. Well. Yeah, we covered it. But that's good stuff, man. So, yeah. Fully loaded. If you can go, you should definitely go. It's really a treat. Hell of a fit. There's nothing out there like it. Hey, that's a cute little bitch. Yeah. Winnie. I wasn't cheating. Winnie didn't even see. There you go.

I look bloated as fuck. Look how fucking swollen my face looks from the booze. That's what happens out there. Oh, wow. Look at that. Jesus Christ. I gained five pounds in my face. Oh, yeah. Disgusting. I gained five in Europe just eating all... You look the same. Well, the bread there is better for you. I eat bread here, and I'm like, I got some gluten issues over there. I'm wolfing down croissant witches and going nuts. What a...

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Any peeves or anything? I got peeves. I got wrecks. I'm all over the place. First off, I got to say, the debate was on while I was in Europe, and I felt very far away. Oh, my God. Because I was just looking at all the tweets, and List had one of the best tweets. He killed it. About the live. Oh, my God. That was perfect. Yeah, so good. Yeah.

I'm all off time-wise, but I'm finally back now. That debate was a fucking mess. That was bad. I mean, this is coming out a couple weeks after, right? Because we're doing the other one first. Yeah, but I mean, that was fucking bad. Yeah, that was a tough time. Then it makes you think, like, you guys all said he was healthy and sharp, so now are you lying? Then what else are you lying about? Well, a lot, probably. It's all lies. It's all media. But...

Good to be back. Fun time. We're living in the summer. We're making it happen. And now we're here and we're queer. So, Peeve, how about this one? Yeah. You ever have a thing where you can't get something to work and then you show a guy, like, this never works for me. And the time you show him it works...

Well, yeah, that's a P for sure. You ever had that where you're like, this fucking thing won't open. What are you showing them? Yeah. I know what you mean, though. That's like... Like, this file will not open or this won't download. And then you're like, look, look, watch.

And then it downloads. And you look like a jerk. And you look like an asshole. I hate that. God. That's a good peeve. That happens to me all the time. Because that's kind of like, it's like a dumb luck peeve. Yes, yes. So you're bittersweet because you're like, I'm glad it works. But I'm also like, I swear to God, I tried 50 times. It didn't work. That's a good peeve. Thank you. I got, remind me of one actually. You ever do, and I do this sometimes, but it still bothers me when other people do it. Hey.

Hey, where's the... And you find it before you finish the sentence. Oh, yeah, yeah. Where's the TV remote? And then you're holding... I'm like, all right. Oh, yeah. Women hate that one. Women hate that. But I...

but I've had women women do it too that's true that's true my lady will be like where the hell is this and I'm like well you gotta look first you can't just get mad and not look you gotta start looking and then ask me we're so used to we're worse now because we're so used to instant gratification like your phone doesn't work immediately what the fuck I know everything you want immediately now think about food you have to like go everything delivery it's it's just

We've become so fucking impatient. I know, and I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't use Uber Eats. I don't do it. Rarely. Maybe twice a year, three times a year. I go out to the grocery. I go pick it up. You cook? The lady cooks, but...

I go get like a rotisserie chicken. I get cans of tuna. I get hard-boiled eggs. I love cans of tuna. Me too. Cans of tuna is like the most simple pleasure. Great. You just pop it open. I throw a little everything seasoning on it. Yes. A little olive oil. You got yourself a nice little snack. I don't even take it out of the can. Me neither. All right. I eat it out of the can. That's one of my go-tos. Me too. Why dirty a plate? Yeah. Pop the lid off. I give a little piece to the cat, and I wolf it down. This is real white trash. I'll put a little ranch on it.

and then mix it. It does taste good. I got some jalapeno ranch I throw in there sometimes. Not my go-to, but it's fucking good. That does sound good. I'm going to get on that. What does Mae cook? She makes a hell of a bolognese. She does this minestrone soup that's incredible. She makes pork chops. She's a great cook. I lucked out, and she likes to cook. It's not one of these like getting the kids. It's satisfying to cook.

It's great. I rarely do it, but when I do it, I'm like, why don't I do that more? I know. Your hands are getting in stuff, and you're smelling things. You're cutting things. It's good for the brain, I think. Yeah. The only problem is those dishes after. That's a bitch. When you got the pile of dishes. Do you have a dishwasher?

Well, I call her Mae. But yeah, I do, but it's not a great dishwasher. So it's one of the ones where you got to take shit out and clean it again. What's the point? I know, exactly. Does a new place have one? Yeah, thank God. New place, you must be pumped. I'm pumped. August 1st, how about this? This is what comes with owning a home. I'm in Barcelona, voicemail, hey, this is your neighbor, Percocet.

Pearl, she's like an 80-year-old lady who's lived in Brooklyn her whole life. She's like, we're swingers. We want to know if you want to suck and fuck your neighbors. I wish that was it. She goes, hey, a tree fell out of your yard and fell in our yard and broke our fence. You're really in a home. I'm in a home, baby. I'm a homo. Oh, no.

And I was like, oh, I don't care. I'm like, oh, good for you. I don't care. I'm like knee deep in paella. I got my feet in the sand. You gotta be like Eastwood and Torino. You just gotta just chill on your porch with a fucking gun. It's like The Last of Us and I'm having bacon.

And so I was like, oh, well, handle it. Whatever you got to do. She's like, well, it's your tree, so you have to pay for our fence. And I was like, oh. She's like, you got to get a tree guy to take the tree out. And I'm like, oh. So now I'm in Barcelona Googling tree guy, and it's way overpriced. And I'm like, maybe I'll just come over and move it. And she's like, well, you need a chainsaw. And I'm like, ah.

So I finally find this Mexican dude, Carlos, does the whole thing for 200 bucks, goes back there, cuts it up. She's like, he's in our home. He's eating our food. He raped our daughter. I was like, let him work. This is how he does it. This is his process. And so he went in there and he called me. He's like, it's all finished. And I go, great. Here's your money. And...

They're all tied up. Yeah, he's like the wolf, Wolfo, Lupa. But he goes in there, and I think that's wolf in Spanish, Lubo. But, yeah, he went in there, and he handled it. So thank God for Carlos. That's wild, dude. Yeah, so those are the things you've got to look forward to. I had my move, dude, and I – Movers, I hired movers. I only hired two. You know, I did some stuff too, but it's so funny. No matter what, they complain. Ah.

I know. I'm like, it's in the building. They're like, only a service elevator? I'm like, it's just a few fucking flights in an elevator. I know. And they're like, well, this wasn't, you know. This is the moving tactic. They're always like, you didn't say there was going to be this. I'm like, boxes? Yeah.

I did say there were going to be boxes. It's so shady. But they're always like, well, I think they have to act annoyed, and it does get you a bigger tip. Oh, smart, smart. Well, there's all these union rules. Like, well, if you're going to be moving in a building, it's got to be between noon and two, or you've got to pay a fine, and if you don't use the freight elevator, you go to jail. There's all these crazy things. Yeah, New York's fucking annoying. I hate these fake rules. Oh.

But yeah, that's one peeve. You must be pumped, though. I'm pumped. I'm glad to be back, and I feel replenished. I did a writing session. Well, we did one yesterday. Yeah, we bounced some bits. We should have saved them for the show. I know. What are we doing? I don't know if I was thinking straight. Me neither, but it was fun bouncing. We haven't done it off pod in a while. Super helpful. We got to do that. Yeah, I think I got a couple. Oh, I got a peeve. Hit me. Ooh, this is a peeve. Oh, baby. The leg cramp wake up. Oh, baby.

Is there anything worse? Like right here? Yes. Sometimes you get one in a toe and you just can't. Yes. I get this one a lot, the second to big toe. Oh. This is a real drinker's peeve. Because your body's shriveling up. But dude, I also, I sleep under a weighted blanket. Mm.

I love, I have a really good one. It's not too heavy, but it's like, it's nice. A good way to blanket. And when you're under there and you have a cramp, you look like a fucking mental patient. You're just like rolling back and forth. It's awful. It's the worst. Yeah, I hate the cramp. You got to drink water and you got to.

Have a fucking banana. Banana. Like you were told when you were seven years old. Potassium. The charley horse is the worst when you're like, go! Right in the back of the calf. And you got to get up and walk around like an old man in the middle of the night. And it's the only way to get rid of it. Yeah. It's usually dehydration. Yeah. That's what they say. That's a peeve. Good one. You got a peeve? Yeah. How about this guy? The guy who's throwing out options. He's like...

We can either do this or we can do that. Which one do you want to do? And whatever one you pick, he goes, well, I should probably do the other one. Yeah, what is that? And I'm like, well, why'd you ask me? It could be anything. It could be a movie. Could be anything. Hey, you want to get Chinese or Japanese? And I go, I can do some sushi. Let's do some sushi. Yes, it's a Monday. Sushi's not great on a Monday. Yes, that's the guy. I fucking hate that guy. That's the guy. Why'd you give me the option then? Yeah, just say you want pasta. We'll get pasta. We'll be on our way. But he's got to go, ah.

Sushi. It's a little early for fish. You're like, well, you threw it out there. I have that. Oh, geez. With your girlfriend or wife or whatever. Yeah. Hanging out. Deciding on food. I hate the person that nixes every idea. I'll be like, here's five things I can do. Pick one of them. Yes. Yes. And then they're just like, oh, now I got to pick. I'm like, well, I can pick. They're like, no, no. Let me think about it. Or you do the one where you're like, how about Chinese? They're like, I could do Japanese. Yeah.

All right. Well, how about Mexican? They're like, yeah, I could do Italian. And then you're like, why don't we just order two separate? We can't even agree on this. Exactly. Well, that's the problem with the vacation because I'm with her family. I can't believe you fucking did that. I mean, this is my gift to her. I mean, this is getting you out of some, you know, you're going to miss a wedding anniversary to a spot at New York Comedy Club. I feel like. Exactly. I built up some points. Women don't give you credit. Yeah.

you can't really get credit with a woman you know you can't use credit later be like hey remember when i went on that trip they're like that was then this is now motherfucker but that's women that's true but the hard part was her family likes to do everything as a group you know they'll be like who's hungry and i'll go i'm hungry and they'll go all right let's see then one guy goes actually i'm not hungry so we gotta wait on food and then she's like well maybe i'll just go and sit there no we can't have you just sitting there it's too many people it's like six people with kids

So it was her parents? Parents, brother, sister, their spouse, two kids. Was it nice, though? It was great. It was great. We had a great time. And you get along with their family? They're way better than mine. They're like normal people. They're like a family from the suburbs. They get along. They're nice. My family's crazy. So it's like a treat to be with their family. I have no qualms about it. But...

The group thing, we're lone wolves. We're Lobo. We're out there. We're living. If I want a coffee, I'll just go up and get a coffee. But the mom will be like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to go get a coffee. She's like, alone? Yeah, I'm just going to go walk around, maybe listen to a podcast. Yeah, I'm going to go to the bathroom alone too late. I'll get used to it later. Yeah, and she's like, do you need anything? You want us to go with you? I'm like, no, just get the coffee. But then you don't want to seem like...

I don't like you. You need a moment. I'm the same way. Totally. I need a moment removed and it's not rude. It's just like you need to recharge. Yes. I need a moment. Dude. They don't have that. There's people I'll be with and they talk so much. I'm like, I just, I don't want to be rude, but I just need a moment where I'm not forced to respond. I need a moment where I just like kind of am in my head for a second. A hundred percent. I think types of people,

on and on and on. There's types of people who live in their head. Yeah. And those are quiet people. Right. And I think we are, at our heart, introverts. No doubt about it. I like socializing. Yeah. But I need that time to get away. Yes. They don't have that. They're very like, oh, you're going? I'll go with you. And in my head, I'm like, oh, I was going to go alone and recharge. Yeah. But they think, why would you want to go alone? Are you crazy? I'll go with you. Yeah.

I'm like, ah, it's the opposite. There are people like that. Why would you? You don't understand? I know. But I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. I would go, oh, I got to do a phone call. And I would just walk around. You notice when you're around those people, you take a 40-minute shit here and there? Yes, exactly. Exactly. And then they get weird about that. They're like, where'd you go? And you're like, are you sick of us? Are you mad at us? I'm like, no, it's a me thing. It's a recharge. You can let people need a recharge. I got plenty of peeves. Please. It's been a minute.

It's funny you mentioned Burt with the back sweat because I've been playing some pickup ball in the park. The shirtless guy. Yeah. What are you doing? That's tough. They're like a wet seal. Oh, my God. You slide right off them. Those guys take their shirt off in American history. Actually, you see the swastika. I'm more annoyed by just the shirtlessness. I'm more annoyed by the shirtlessness.

I'm more annoyed by the fact that if you're going to back into me and I'm like, because that's when I guess they post you up. Now you're like, now I'm fucking gross. That's true. It's too intimate. It's way too. It's way too wet. I'm with you. That's it ruins the game because it's another element now. It's not just blocking you and getting in and posting up. It's like, oh, you're slippery. And now I'm wet. I don't want to taste a male stranger. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's the classic. There it is. That's the classic. That's perfect. Man, Tropic Thunder was on TV the other day. Oh, great. Downey Jr. just... I mean, it is so fucking insane that he did that, and it's so funny. Top notch. Tom Cruise killed it. Downey killed it. Jack Black. Everybody brought the heat of that movie. Yeah.

Wait, what did you say, Bex? Oh, I used to bang a gal in Little Italy. This girl was way out of my league. She saw me do a set. I had a good set. Super hot lady. But she had this great apartment in Little Italy with no AC. So there was this one summer I'd go to her house all the time and we'd bang all night. But I would get so sweaty that she would put her hands around me during sex and she would go, oh!

Because my back was soaked. And I was like, well, you don't have AC. We're fucking going at it over here. So she was, we ended up ending it because I was too sweaty. That is fucking insane. So the back sweat is no joke. I'm with you. That's fucking, I'm annoyed for you.

I would get towels in there. I'd put towels on my back so she could hold on to me. And she was a nice piece, too. Oh, my God. She's something. Damn. I still follow her on Instagram just for a little ego boost. Every once in a while, your girl will be like, who's this person? They just check who you follow. It's hard to be like, some chick I fucked in 2013. And you still follow her. You're like, what's weird to unfollow? I don't know. I mean, there's a few that I just follow. I'm like, yeah, we hooked up a few times. Then you're like...

this is kind of weird. Yeah, yeah, that is true. She's married with kids now. Yep. Same with her. We had a fun night in San Antonio. Ha ha.

Remember the Alamo. But yeah, no, I get it. You got to do it just a little. Oh, yeah. That was a wild time. It was a good time. Yeah. And she's like an animal rights whatever now. So I'm like, oh, look, she's in Africa saving the wildebeest or whatever. So you get the animal photos as well. And you're like, hey, I fucked a nice lady. Yeah, it is nice. I've made some good decisions. Yeah. I mean, she rescued me. Yeah.

What about this? This is a peeve and it's a little... Don't even look at my followers, you sick fuck. You're good. I was looking. I'm like, what is he doing? I'll send it to you later. Detective Peters, hot on the case. Yeah. How about this for a peeve? This is a little broad. This is a big umbrella. Yeah. The Passport.

We've got 2024 here. We got vision retina scan. We got fingerprint. We got breathalyzer in the car to start it. We still need this dumb book. I hate the breathalyzer in the car. I remember they sent a guy to fucking pick me up from a comedy club with one of those. Oh, really? And I was like, wow, thanks for sending the A-team to get me. This guy can't fucking drive in a... He's pulling over like, hold on, I got to pull over. Right. Yeah, that's a bad look.

But, yeah, I got to have this antiquated little Koran with me everywhere I go. This fucking dumb pamphlet to show that we got everything else. Get it on my phone. There it is. Now you forget that thing. Oh, you forget this thing. You're ruined. It's like the Jews with the papers. It's weird. It is weird because everything else is digital. You're right. The airport, it's a...

It's so fucking annoying. I know and I'm just the whole time I'm like, oh do I have it and I left it in my bag It's gonna turn into giving up more freedoms over that like stuff like that. I mean we're already doing it That's interesting look you to cut the line. Yeah, you're right. We give our retinas We give our fingerprints you go there you give everything like and and guess what that lines now too long I know It's gonna be the next one. It's gonna be like our dick print. Oh

You're going to have to keep giving up freedoms. True. You're like, wait a second, you're not circumcised. You're like, fuck, run. They're on to me. Yeah, that's true. I guess you're right, but I feel like they got it all already. It's like when they go, the government's reading our emails. I'm like, yeah, and your TikTok and your DMs and your location, and they know how to give you ads. So the cat's out of the bag.

Yeah, the Bodega Cat. Yeah! All over New York City now, and your home state, and we're coming soon. Get it online as well if you don't have it in your state. Bodegacatwhiskey.com, good stuff, dude. Oh yeah, I got a wreck. Yeah? Now this is maybe more of my anal than your anal. Instagram, get ready for this one, Peters. Cody Tucker. The whole page is just this guy posting

pulling out fun facts out of his ass okay now let's find a good one here i've seen this guy this guy's great he does this guy he does movie stuff he does phrases he did one he'll like connect the dots in weird ways yeah it'll be like you know kelsey grammar related to hitler and you're like what right that's not that but it's like stuff like you know i just watched one today where he goes uh

In England, back 200 years ago, they used to sell these piglets. That's the one. They used to sell these little piglets. And... We'll play it. ...

Now piglets, notoriously difficult to handle. Squirmy little bastards. So the people selling piglets would put them into a little sack as a way to contain them. The people buying the piglets that were in a sack weren't able to open it at the market because the piglet might get out and run away. So they would purchase the sack piglet

Wait for it. Okay. What?

So a couple hundred years ago in England, people used to go to a market to buy livestock. I live for this shit. One of the animals that they would buy would be love. I love these fun facts where the whole thing started. I mean, these phrases had to come from somewhere. I relate to emptying my sack and regretting it later. No, that's so interesting. I love stuff like that. Yeah, me too. And who knows if it's even true, but it sounds true. I think, yeah, I think he's got... Can we fact check that? Yeah, good question. I mean, that is...

Let the cat out of the bag. So that so it has a bad association for sure. Yes, yes. And then it just morphs over time. And I and we hold on to these phrases, which I love. One was this guy pissed off everybody in town. So they stopped talking to him. They kind of ostracize him. The guy's name was Jeff Boycott. So that's where you get boycott. So it just came. It just comes. It's got to come from somewhere.

damn so i want to do a comedy show some style of this with comedy mixed together i don't know how to do it damn man that's that's i like that it's interesting i mean that's an interesting guy to have on the pod and just tell stories like this oh yeah he's got great movie ones like this part was supposed to go to this guy but he got uh the flu so then it went to him and then he fought him for whatever those are always interesting the ones that like you just missed on yes but then sometimes it's for the best you know like

It's like you're like fucking Robert Redford and the Godfather. Right. That was one that was supposed to happen. Totally. Yeah, Will Smith was supposed to be Neo. That was a big one. I could have seen that working, but I think Keanu was perfect. Oh, totally. That one's like, yeah, he did it for, because he did Wild Wild West instead. Woo!

He wanted that song. Yeah, but think about how much money he probably made off that song. That's true. That's true. He probably was like, do I get a song in Matrix? And they're like, red pill, blue pill. He's like, nah, it doesn't work. No, well, well, well. Yeah, that song slips. All right.

But, yeah. How about, what's her face in that? Selma Hayek. Yeah, I never saw it. It's horrible, but she looks great. Yeah, she still looks great. I know. What's going on? J-Lo looks great. The tides are turning. Yeah.

Money. Money's good. Money. That's what it is, I guess. Money helps you stay young to a certain point. Yeah. Penelope Cruz looks great. They're all hanging in. Julia Roberts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Madonna. She fucked it. Now it's funny because if you get surgery, you look worse. I feel like the people who didn't get surgery. They're getting better surgery. I guess that's what it is. They're all getting work done. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You ever seen Jennifer Connelly? Looks better now. She's fucking hot. Underrated hot lady, Jennifer Connelly. Not by me, but I know what you mean. She's not talked about in the list in the annals. But she's hot. Oh, yeah. She's in a lot of... Fuck, she was just in some movie. She was in Top Gun, the new one. Man, I just watched... Did I wreck Dark City? No. Did I wreck that, Peters? Maybe, I don't know. I might have. Wait, she's in that, isn't she? Look up the movie Dark City. I think she's in it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Dark City. Hmm. What's that? Harlem? All right. Did I make that joke already? Yeah, she's in it. It's good. Watch the director's cut. Kumail Nanjiani, shout out. He wrecked this movie. Oh, really? And he was like, you like noir and I like sci-fi and this is like a hybrid. Ooh. So give it a shot. It's really good. Okay. It's a weird noir about...

This kind of dystopian city. It's cool. All right. Oh, at 98. That's a good year. And watch the director's cut because the other one has like a narrator that I guess is studio force and it kind of just dumbs it down and gives stuff away. So I watched the director's cut. It's a little more...

It's more of a slower burn. You're a little bit like, what's going on here, but in a good way. All right. I'll check it out. It's a cool movie for sure. I just watched The Good, The Bad, The Ugly. That's a fucking good one. Sergio Leone. What a killer. Yeah. It took two watches because it's three hours and change. I got to rewatch it. It's been a minute, but. It's like the Western. All the tropes and cliches of a Western come from that. Woo, woo, woo.

I used to be my ringtone in high school for when my mom would call. No way. Because I knew I was in trouble. I'd be out drunk at a bar and I'd be like, oh, fuck. I think I might make it my walk-on music now because we're joke slingers, you know? Woof, woof.

It's kind of fun. That's fun. Play that music if you can there, Peter. It's just a great hook. I ended up Googling all of it, and it's a great history. What's his name? Ennio Morricone? Is that who did this song? I think it is. Holy shit. How'd you pull that out? Well, I just watched Fistful of Dollars with Eastwood, and that's a really fun one, too. And it's got great music. That came out before this, I think. Yeah. This is like the end. Oh, I think so. Yeah, I think that was like 65. Yeah.

It's good. It holds up. And it's got great shootout scenes. Wow, you got the guy, Mary Cohn. That's incredible. What a pull. Too bad that can't get you laid. There it is. Dude, I can tell you this shit. That's so good. I don't even know how they made that noise. By the way, that was Eli Wallach, the Jewish guy. A Jew playing a Mexican. That's when Jews took Mexicans' jobs. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Eastwood is just so cool being a badass. I know. He's so damn handsome. He's like a Helmsworth back then. Yeah. Yeah, he's a great jawline badass. But, yeah, Fistful of Dollars is a really good score, too. All right, I'll check it out. But this is like the classic. Yeah, I'll rewatch this, too. This is good. There's so many twists and turns. Like, the movie just keeps going and the Civil War gets involved. It's great. It's fucking awesome. Eastwood is fucking awesome.

And, I mean, Unforgiven is up there, too. Oh, yeah. Unforgiven's pretty great. Killer. I went to the Criterion closet the other day. Ooh, baby. Which I was like, I'm a film geek. I'm like, this is fucking cool. I got to take five movies with me. Oh, really? Yeah, you get to pull them out of the closet. What? Is that where they keep the gay ones? It's just the birdcage. It broke back.

Wow, that's great. Where was this? It's on like 18th Street or something. What? That's so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to, I didn't do like a video. I just, they took a Polaroid of me in there and I just got to pick some out. But I took, they let me pick five and I took, I took Thief because I was like, I've seen this movie. I love it. Sure, sure. I took Clute because I've never seen it. Clute. I don't know. It's Donald Sutherland and Jane Fonda. It's supposed to be good. I wanted to see it so I grabbed that. Okay. I took Scorsese shorts. Whoa. I took Scorsese shorts.

Because I was like, she was like, these are cool and they're hard to find. I was like, great. Took them. And then I took the Magnificent Ambersons. Got a little Orson Welles in there because I've never fucking watched it. Okay. I don't know if you can check this out. And I got one more. Oh, Sweet Smell of Success. Oh. Old New York, baby. Classic. Yeah, I got some oldies in there. So it's like a library. You take them out and return it? No, I get to keep them. What? Yeah, and you get to pull them out and they have like doubles, but then they ask which ones you take to like restock. Oh.

So you can go in there and just grab them. Yeah. Whoa. DVD? Yeah. Wow. It's kind of fun to have a DVD in your hand. I was like, man, it's funny that that feels old now. That's like the new record or whatever. Right, right. So how do you get on board with this? You got to pay a monthly thing? No, I pay to do the streaming service. But no, my...

It was to promote the special. It was just like to take a picture in the club. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah. Oh, by the way, new special out. Amazon, you've changed streaming now. So give it a watch. Very exciting. Hope you're enjoying it. And give it a like and a share and a comment. I don't know how Amazon works. I don't think you comment. I think you can share or you can definitely thumbs up it. Yeah. I always remember Andy Kindler used to do that joke where he's like, I couldn't get on Amazon. You can see my new special on UPS ground shipping. Yeah.

That's funny. That's funny. There it is. You've changed. Very noir. Good photo. Cool font. I like the suit. Yeah, that's fun. That's great. Streaming now on Amazon Prime Video. It's a good time. It's a great hour. I've seen it. I can't wait to watch. I just like to have these on in my house in the background, like friend specials. You know, do something. Yeah, Salakys took that one, and he took the other photo, but yeah. Woo!

Made shot. Yeah, had my scotch. No tie? Actually, that was Bodega Cat. It wasn't scotch. Yeah. No tie. The tie is too formal. It's a little mine. I like a loose tie. It depends who it is. For me, it didn't feel right. But Vida rocked the tie in his. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Let me see what other peeves I got cooking, bud. Wah, wah, wah.

Ooh, I got... This is a rough one. So we're flying back from Rochester, which is already a brutal flight. And the flight there was like... It was a hot three and a half hour delay. Which is like... Luckily, it's a short flight, so it doesn't really fuck... But it does fuck your day up a little bit. Of course. Where you're like, this shouldn't be a full day. Yes. Just going upstate. So, you know, me...

Gary, we're at the airport. We go to the thing. It was the classic board and then we hit the D board. Yep. And because it's a little plane, they give you the pink tag. Yeah, I hate the tag. I hate the tag, but you got to do it. So I took it, do the thing, we get on, and then they go, you got to get off. So I go, when are we coming back? The guy goes, I don't know. Ah.

And I go, well, it's not showing on the phone. He's like, well, yeah, just come back in an hour. I'm like, we don't want to just chill by the gate. We want to go to the lounge or get a bite or something if it's going to be delayed. He's like, two hours. I'm like, all right, but it's not showing up. Yeah. And then we're like, all right, trust me. I'm like, all right. Oh, boy. So we don't trust him, but we rolled the dice. We went to the lounge, came back. Then we go back to the lounge. He goes, it is. All right, go away. Come back on the...

We took off the pin tag. We know we have to keep the pink tag. Oh, I never keep it. He's like, you took off the tag? And I was like, I didn't know if it was going to be the same gate. I don't know. And he goes...

You don't throw away the tag. I'm like, is there a shortage? Are you running low on the tag? Yeah. And he was just like really annoyed by it. I'm like, you don't get to be a dick after there was a three hour delay. Yeah. Come on. Yeah, you got to blow me a little bit. You know, you should be a little apologetic. Yeah. Wow. Fucking the tag. And then on the flight back, here's a second peeve. Flying peeve. We're...

We get the flight attendant who thinks he's a fucking comedian. Oh, yeah. He thinks it's open mic night. And by the way, cranked it all the way up. I don't know if there's a volume switch on this thing, but Gary's like doing this. Yeah. It's like poor Gary. He's like, he's just in the corner doing this.

The guy's going, ooh, I messed that up. I guess that's the hamster died on the wheel. I'm like, is that an – I don't think that's an expression. He's like making shit up trying to be funny. I'm like, what is this shit? Yeah. And there was another delay that way too. I'm like, that's a – those short flights are the worst flights because –

you're in the little plane. Yep. It's shaky. There's always something wrong. There's never like a simple short flight, I feel like. I know. And the announcements are getting longer, I feel like. So on a short flight, it's like announcement, announcement. Don't use the laboratory smoke detector finagle. And then it's like, all right, he shut the fuck up. And did you see the debate? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You get like two seconds of silence before they go. All right. Descent. Pull the bucket. You said put your tray up your seat back. You're like, God damn. I got no no flight time because it was just all talking. It's it makes me crazy. It's why I would for a long time. I would watch the movie on my laptop because they can't pause the screen. Oh, that would drive me. You're in the best scene of The Departed. All of a sudden, they're like, oh, we're at a cruising altitude. Who gives a fuck?

Woody on your period. We got 10 knots on the starboard bow. You're like, God damn it. He's about to hit the guy with the glass. It drives me crazy. And then have you seen these videos lately of these flights? Oh, dude, it's getting wild. That guy ended up in the overhead, didn't he? I did see that. How the fuck does that happen? I tweeted about that. I called it Overhead Bin Laden. Yeah, there was a lady got up in there somehow, I think.

And then there was a... How does this happen? Oh, passenger stuck in overhead. What? Oh, I guess he bounced into it. Oh, boy. Yeah, so... I love these buying up ads before the overhead video. Make America great again. We're flying in overheads, guys. Yeah, right. Yep, he's like, yep, but under Biden. People weren't flying in overheads under me. Was it even in America?

I hope not. Brazil. There we go. Oh, thank God. Thank God. All right. Okay. What is this? Oh, shit. There's some blood on the seat. They died? Oh. Oh, do we get video of it? I guess not. Whoa.

Whoa. That should be laughing, but it's kind of ridiculous. Oh, yeah. Air Europa says 30 passengers received what they call minor injuries. According to reports, Brazilian public health officials say passengers got head, neck, and chest injuries. I want you to listen now to one of the passengers who was on board his flight. All good. All good.

the people who didn't have seat belts went up in the air didn't have seat belts you got to wear those seat belts yeah you know what's weird school buses no seat belts that's a good point strange

It's like full of children. Everything's got a seatbelt. Some do. Okay. Some do, but I've been on the ones you're talking about where I'm like, yeah, this is weird. Yeah, the flat green, dark green seat. It's just a bench. There's no belt. I shit my pants on the school bus in like first grade.

Oh, yeah. I couldn't make it. It was in midtown traffic, and I was just, I couldn't handle it. Oof. I was like, I'm not going to make it. And I remember, and I was like, oh. And I just went, and all the kids were like, no way. And then I remember a kid just like felt my butt, and he went, he ain't faking. Oh. The saddest. It was the saddest poop on pants. Yeah. Poop pants bus incident ever. Well, at least you can get on the subway, and you see eight guys shitting on themselves. So you're like, all right, I'm not alone.

I shit myself. That woke Winnie up. Oh, hey. Winnie goes, I don't want to be near a poop head. Went on a field trip. I shit myself on the field trip. And then we had to get back on the bus to come home. And I remember the bus driver went, ah! And he put newspaper down on the seat. He was like, all right, come in. It was so humiliating. You're that guy now. Yeah, my fucking poo-covered ass was on the one-eds.

tough times tough times man hey nugget dog just puts me in a good mood oh yeah it's a good time good old wingus yeah you're helping the elderly i did she's so old oh yeah i had the tv guy come by and he was like he was like that's one old bird he goes we had a we had a yorkshire terrier when i was a kid made it to 23 and that's like guinness record wow that's crazy

That's so cute that you were shitting yourself on a bus in Manhattan. You know? I never thought about that. Just a little kid in Manhattan not shitting on a bus. He looked over and there's another kid jerking off. That's another guy filming.

Just a bunch of degenerates. Showtime, showtime. Oh, my God. Those are the worst. Apparently, a lady on a United flight got kicked off for misgendering. Did you see that? What? Yeah. It was a flight attendant. She was like, can she, can you, she said something, and the lady was like, it's a they, and then they kicked her off. What? Yeah, with her kids. There it is. Mid-flight, they kicked her out the fucking window. I think they wouldn't let her on. Oh, wow. Oof, that's tough. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's going to be a lawsuit. United might be fucked on that one. Woman identified as Jenna Longoria of Texas relayed the ordeal in a series of videos recorded at the airport and posted it to X. She explained she couldn't board a flight from San Fran to Austin with her family. I was speaking to one of the flight attendants, got their pronouns wrong. The other flight attendant didn't like it.

Now, usually with a lot of these, there's some kind of extra thing they're not telling us. Usually. Yeah. What else does it say? Longoria apologized, explained that she's not very well versed with pronouns. I was holding my son. He was having a temper tantrum. I had the car seat on my back. I wasn't really focusing on anything except getting my son's car seat on the flight and getting him comfortable.

She alleged that the United staff accused her of a hate crime and told her she might be banned from flying with United. I feel like hate crimes used to have to earn them. Yeah. Hate crime back in the day was like, you know. It was a curb stomp. It was a lit up crucifix on a lawn. Now it's like, oh, I made a mistake. Right, right. I misspoke. I know. That's a tough one. Oof.

Oh, man, I misgendered a guy in the crowd. Oh. I was calling him like a fucking, I couldn't see. He just had a very, like, he sounded like a rugby lesbian type. Sure. You know, like a kind of butch lady.

I'm saying he, because I found out later he was a he. I kept saying, and miss, and he didn't correct me. So finally I said, and miss, what are you drinking? And he goes, well, first of all, I'm a man. I was like, first of all, I've been doing this for minutes. You've been letting this happen. What do you mean, first of all? I've been calling you a lady for quite some time. It was kind of sad. So he transitioned to a man. No, no, he was, it was always a man. He just had kind of a,

Lady voice. Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, we know people like that. Sure, sure. I mean, it's a dark room. I can't tell. So that's not really a... I apologize, but I was like, I mean, you know. But it wasn't a trans issue. That was just a feminine man. No. Oh, yeah. It was more just I couldn't identify the gender. I see. But I got him an IPA and...

And I said, get him a pack of cigarettes for his voice, too. And some condoms. And some condoms. Yeah. And a turkey sandwich. Yeah. This guy's a man right here. He's the best. Well, you know what's weird is I would be the worst trans person because I have such low self-esteem, I wouldn't correct anybody.

Like, if you get my name wrong, I just go with it. You know, if you're like, hey, what's up, Mike? I'm like, hey. But if someone was like, hey, what's up, ma'am? I'd be like, hello. You know, I wouldn't ever correct anyone because I... You get a little fan, go, mm-hmm. Yeah. I've got the vapors. I couldn't do it. Same with, I couldn't be a woman because I would fuck every guy out of guilt. Yeah. Yeah.

I wish more women were like you. I know. You'd be a good woman. I'd be sad and depressed and pregnant, but I would be... You wouldn't fuck me. I'd just be like, I'm sad. Just get a egg if she feels bad. I'll blow you. Just sad. Yeah. There was always one girl like that when you're young. That's true. One girl that would be like, all right, let's go out back. You're like, yes. Yeah, the pity fuck. I remember when I was really young and like...

in like eighth grade I remember there was a girl over at my friend's place and it was me and two of my friends and they were one of them was like kind of a poon hound the other one was like a short fat kid with just a giant cock and then there was me yeah and and she she was like

i'll blow all three of you she just kind of offered it and we were like really she's like yeah and then uh we kind of were like in the room we're like well who goes first we're kind of deciding it and the first guy was like what's my place and we're like all right i guess i guess it's your your parents are out of town what about the guests i guess you get first and we're doing like rock paper scissors oh yeah and i got i drew third oh i'm like all right this ain't great and then um

You know, I had a girl I dated for like two days at a time. And I was like, I went on AOL Instant Messenger. And I was like, hey, can we break up? So we broke up for this. And then. Wow. And then she blew the first two of them. I was in the eighth grade. I was just excited at the prospect of it. Sure, sure. And she goes, I don't want to blow anymore. I was like, damn it. I just broke up with someone for this. Yeah.

But what are you going to do? You can't be like, oh, come on. Yeah. And then you tell them, tell me everything. Give me details. How was it? Because you got to jerk off to it later. But if that was you, she would have felt bad and I would have gotten sucked off. That's true. I would have done it. That's a lot of work to blow three guys. Not in those days.

Yeah, I guess you're right. We come quickly. That's true. That's true. We breathe on it. We fucking come. Yeah, you got a point there. All right. Well, call in, man. We'd love to get to know you. We'd love to have you. Hey, you still owe me a blowjob. That's true. See a picture. Now that other girl will finally know why you dumped her. She'll see this. She'll be like, ah, it was 20 years ago. I don't know what I did. I thought I was a great girlfriend. We just started dating.

And one of the things when you're a kid, we're like, let's go steady. Right, right. It didn't mean anything. Well, good on you for ending it. You kind of did the right thing. Kind of. It's a toss-up there. I did the right thing. It's such a funny thing to say. You did the right thing by breaking up. You didn't cheat. You're right technically. Yeah, but you also dumped her for a potential BJ that didn't even happen. I know. It's just funny to hear I did the right thing because I didn't. What?

But I did. I technically did. But you didn't. But you did. It's an interesting scenario when you break it all down. It's not bad. Now we got to talk to these two guys because I want to hear. One of them's dead. I have a joke about one of them in my Netflix specials, the guy we used to jack off together. Uh-huh. And he fucking heroin overdose. Oh, man. Drugs, man. Don't do fucking drugs. No. I had two friends die of heroin growing up, too. It's no joke. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, at least he got blown. He was first. Yes. He got first BJ. There you go. I hope he's up in heaven getting the first BJ amongst the angels. I didn't speak at the funeral. What about the second guy? What's he up to? I haven't talked to him forever. He was a character. He's a funny guy. All right. You lose touch. You're so young, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Jesse, if you're listening...

Would love to hear from you, buddy. Yeah. I want to know if that's how the second BJ was. Was it better because she was warmed up or was it worse because she was tired? I think you won first. Oh, 100%.

I think you want the first beach. Yeah, because you're getting all the effort out of the gate. Yeah, you don't want to. No one's choosing second. Right. Also, second now, she's comparing the dicks, which is not good for me. I don't want a dick comparison.

Yeah, I don't know. But good time. Those young days with sex were so weird and awkward and fun. Yeah, you get some good stories out of it. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to think. I remember I hooked up with a girl...

I was a virgin and I went to a dance and hooked up with a girl after. We all slept at this guy's house and she blew me. So I got blown before I ever got laid. Same. Yeah, which I guess is pretty normal. I think that's normal. Yeah. Third base comes before home. Oh, yeah. Good point. So I got blown, but she didn't want to have sex, which is fine. And then I got laid like a month later and she wouldn't blow me.

And I remember being like, whoa, women are weird. I can't crack the code, whatever. Yeah, well, to some people that's more intimate. Yes. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I'll put my mouth on anything. Yeah, I don't. To me, it's like, who gives a shit? It's the same. Right.

It's funny, too, because I used to be a waiter and I would eat all the food that people didn't eat because I was poor. And people were like, that's so gross. I'm like, well, I'd go down on her. So why wouldn't I eat her shrimp? You know, that was my logic. I would eat her asshole. Might as well eat her steak leftovers. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Yeah, and also it's like the people, it's the same people that will like eat butt. Yeah, right. And you're like, who gives a shit? Exactly. Exactly.

I'm eating, you know, a lot of the fries. It's not like she spit on all the fries. They're individual. Yeah, I would share food with her. Yes. It's completely rational. I mean, I get it. You look like a raccoon over the garbage with the skillet. Yeah. You're picking at it. It's not a good look.

but hey i was 19 i was broke and i'm not buying shrimp yeah shrimp is fucking great i worked at a mexican restaurant so the fajita plates was my big score we have we have fajitas in the in rochester with a weekend fucking phenomenal i haven't had fajitas in like ages the the smoke well we got we got them take out but yeah the presentation it's great i heard casa bonita in denver is oh really

Okay, good to know. It's the South Park guys. Oh, that's right. They bought it. Yeah. That's awesome.

There's like an amusement park in there. It's like a city block, that place, apparently. Yeah. But yeah, fajitas are great. You get the dollop of sour cream, the guac, the pico, the cheese, the bed of onions. It's celebratory. It's like you don't get fajitas after you got laid off. It's like a feel good. Totally. Totally. And whenever I worked at the Mexican restaurant, you'd walk the fajitas down and you had that poof of smoke, that steam coming off. And then everybody would go, I want fajitas.

So they were like, it was a great upsell because they'd see the fajitas and they had to have fajitas. Yeah, because it's like doing a dance for you. Yeah. Yeah, and it was popping and crackling. Everybody loves fajitas. Yeah. Good name for a kid, Fajita Normand. Yeah.

Everybody loves them. Who doesn't like fajitas? If I was Mexican, I'd name a kid fajita. I mean, that's why we went with Bodega Cat because I thought everyone liked Bodega Cat. I did some guy's show the other day. He goes, I hate cats. Whoa. And I was like, all right. He goes, there'd be a cat in my bodega. I would go three different stores. I'd be like.

All right. Well, I mean, the whiskey's bodega cat. Sorry. There's no cats in it, if that helps. I mean, who doesn't like... I mean, I understand that some people don't like cats. People hate cats. I like cats. Yeah, I love them, but people... I just like animals. I'm kind of like, if you're a fucking... If you're an animal that's...

you know, nice at all. And I kind of like a rude animal too. Okay. Something fun about a cunty cat. Who's kind of, who makes you earn it a little bit. Yes, exactly. Well, that's the problem is whenever someone says I don't like cats, I kind of look down on them a little bit because they're like saying, I need something to greet me at the door. I need something to blow me. I need something to always be there for me and cuddle me. And if I put peanut butter on my sack, I need him to lick it and all that. So I'm like, how about you earn it? How about you be a little catnip on your sack? Yeah.

No, but Winnie's not friendly at all. Winnie's a fucking rude. Winnie's kind of a rude bitch. That's true, but that's part of the charm. Part of the fun. She's not really friendly to anyone. She's rude to the big dogs. She's like the oldest one in Golden Girls. Sophia. Little cunty, small, old as shit. She's so old.

By the way, in Golden Girls, you know they were like 41 or something great? 50s or something like that? Yeah, it's so young. Mrs. Robinson is 37 in the movie. 37! She's supposed to be an old bag. That movie's so good. Yeah, that was really taboo. Oh, yeah. He's fucking her mom. That's pretty crazy. It is. It's not a good move. No, but it's a hit. I mean, it's every porno.

Fun fact about that movie, Gene Hackman was originally Mr. Robinson. And Mike Nichols on that set was such a tyrant that Dustin Hoffman at lunch one day on the set was like, I suck. I'm going to get fucking fired. And Gene Hackman's like, no, I'm going to get fired. And he was right. But he got fired because he was too young. He was too close in age. He's only like, I don't know, like eight years older or ten years older than Hoffman. Yeah, that's not good.

Fun. Another fun fact, Mike Nichols, if you could pull him up, he has some rare disease where all your hair falls out. Lou Gehrig's disease. And that's a piece. He had a piece when he was like nine or something.

Didn't know it. Man, he was a fucking great director. But I was watching that Gary Shandling doc that Judd made. I watched that. And Shandling hated working with him. Really? Yeah, I remember when they made What Planet Are You From? He would do one take, bam, he's like, move on. He's like, no, I need a riff. Oh, wow. What's another Nichols movie?

Fuck. There's one from early 70s. Pull up Mike Nichols. He's allergic reaction to an inoculation of whooping cough. Dude, in the DiMaggio book, Francis Ford Coppola does the foreword. I didn't know he had some sort of paralysis from polio when he was a kid. Really? DiMaggio sent him a baseball when he was a little kid because he always did that for little kids. Whoa.

And he's like, I never forgot it. And it's like, man. Wow. Oh, he did Wolf. Oh, Wolf's bad. You ever see that one? Spader. But it's fun bad. It's fun. He pees on the guy. Oh, he did Closer. He did Birdcage. Yeah, good movies. Heartburn. Oh, wow. What else? Oh, Galaxy Blues.

Primary Colors. Primary Colors was fun. Oh, there's the Shanley one. Oh, he did Kid Stays in the Picture? Oh, wow. That's like my favorite documentary of all time. Yeah, great book, too. Fucking... Arthur Miller. All right, he's got a couple of bangers. He was also... Nichols and May, too, don't forget. That's right. Nichols and Elaine May, that's like how they kind of made a name for themselves. Comedy team.

Wow. There you go. All right. Hold on. Go up. Go up. I saw something that grabbed my tip. There was one other in the early... Oh, Shampoo. Oh, that bombed. It did? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's not Shampoo. It was another movie. Oh, okay. I thought it was Shampoo. My eyesight's fucked up. Oh, we did Charlie Wilson's War. Oh, wow. All right. Something's wrong with my eyes. I don't know if I'm sleepy or what, but I usually see this a little better. Uh-oh. Fuck. We're getting old. My eyebrows are too thick for glasses. Ha ha.

Really? Only I can pull them off, yeah. That's a funny problem to have. I think, I don't know. Every time I go to get a haircut, they're like, you want me to cut your eyebrows? I'm like, do I need it? And they're like, yeah. Oh, you think you get, do you need it? Yeah. For me, they're just like, take out fucking two hedge clippers. I don't think they're that bad. That's fine. You just learn to accept. Is that the Russian? Yeah.

I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My grandfather had those, like the fucking Herman Munster, the Grandpa Munster, and then he had the crazy ear hair. Oof. Tough look. Those are fucking rough. Rough. No woman's like, could you get a little more ear hair? It's disgusting. I know. He was a bald guy, too, and the hair was coming out of everything except his head. Yeah. He had the big glasses like Junior in Sopranos. I kind of like those. Oh, yeah. He was a cool dude. Korean War.

Yeah, fighter pilot. Oh, we got some boxes here. What do you got here? You open one, I open one, you open the other. We're sending stuff in, folks. What's this? We might be drunk. Oh my God. These are fucking great. Come on. We got an action figure. This is crazy. Wow. Damn, we look fucking awesome in this, dude. I love this. Who the fuck made this?

This is from Sir Collect-A-Lot Toys in New Hampshire. Whoa. Thanks so much. I'm honored. Oh, there's a note.

This is fucking incredible. Thanks for all the laughs over the years. Your show means a lot to me. Hope these find a nice resting place in the studio. All the best, sir. Collect a lot. You better believe it. Let me see this. This is going up on the wall. I love it. Whoa! Do we take it out of that thing or do we... I think we leave it. Oh, yeah. Let's leave it. I think we got to leave it. No, but maybe... I think it looks like it's protected there, too. That's the only reason I see it. Oh, I see what you're saying. I don't know. Yeah. Give that a feel.

How cool is that? Thank you. Like this, or do we leave it in there? I think you leave it in just to be safe. All right, let's leave it on. You can hang that puppy up in 10 minutes. All right. How cool is that? We got a toy. Now we just need a disease named after us, and we're home free. I love it, dude. So, yeah. You got road gigs? Well, I got a new special out on Prime Video, Amazon. Check it out. You've changed. And, yeah, I'm... When does this come... Yeah, I'm in...

Miami Improv in August. Nice. And I think August 1st through 3rd, I'm at, I'm in, I don't know. New Brunswick. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, so I'm in, uh, Hammond, Indiana, the 27th with Chrissy D and Nimesh Patel. Nice. And I think Jordan Jensen as well on that show. Oh, fun. We got, uh, yeah, Miami, Florida, August 1st through 3rd. We got Prior Lake, Minnesota. That's also with Chrissy and, uh, Nimesh. Then I'm at, uh,

Magoobies Comedy Club in Baltimore. Yeah. The 15th through 17th. And then New Brunswick, August 22nd through 24th. Then off in September, I'm in Niagara Falls in Ontario. And then I'm off to London, September 18th. Belfast. Whoa, mama. Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, all over Europe. Whee!

So I'll see you there, samorell.com or punchup.live slash samorell. Follow us both on those, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash samorell slash sign up. That's how you do it. But yeah, Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm, as David Tell would say, I'm doing the Connecting Flights Tour. I got Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Rockford, Illinois, Rochester, Minnesota, Hampton,

Hampton Bay, that's the Hamptons out in Long Island. Richmond, Virginia. Greensboro, North Carolina. Anaheim. Thousand Oaks. Redding, PA. Red Bank, New Jersey. Colorado Springs. Fort Collins. St. Louis. Atlanta. Orlando. Fort Lauderdale. Portland. London, Ontario. Toronto, Ontario, to name a few. So come on out. More dates. Go to the website. PunchUp. Get some Bodega cash. PunchUp.live slash MarkNorman slash signup.

punchup.live slash samorell slash signup or instead of signup slash tickets whatever's easier see us on the road buy Bodega Cat oh yeah we love you guys for listening Peters you're the best hopefully we get Salacuse back in here for his crazy story soon I want to hear this don't ruin it but yeah we got a whopper with the cues keep listening we love you guys thank you

and dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in Newlands. This woman doesn't want to be true.