Ep 186: Sal Vulcano
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Yo! Yeah! We got a hot ep today. Hot ep? You're looking swole, man. Really? I can see it coming through. Really? You're looking, you're fucking fit, dude. No, I mean, aside from the gay French Parisian shirt, you are cooking. That's pretty gay. No. I'm coming out. We got a real baguette over here. All right. I went to Paris, I used that like eight times.

Just on strangers. Like, can you stop saying that to me? I've got a racist and homophobic. Fucking Americans. Dude, I was complaining about the candy. All weekend, my girlfriend's bringing home candy. Like, so much candy. I'm opening drawers. There's candy. I got no willpower. I'm like, stop with the candy. Well, once it's in the house, it's over. You got to not have it in the house. Nothing good. I have no ice cream in my house. No candy. Nothing. There's so much junk in the house. She does it, and then I find it, and I throw it out. Yeah.

Because I'm going to eat it. Gummy? All kinds. Well, so one thing we did over the weekend, I had a friend come to my buddy Chase. We saw a...

Film Forum was playing Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Hell yeah. That's going to be fun to see on a big screen. The face is melting. Oh, dude. Awesome. Nazis. Fuck yeah. So easy. What do they do with the Nazi flags after the production? Ooh. They just keep them in a warehouse? You think they bit them off to some fucking creep on Facebook? Not Facebook back then, but when a movie is Nazi paraphernalia, I always wonder what they do. Melted Facebook. Yeah.

What? Melted Facebook. And I also wonder if they, if like a real Nazi, what do you call it? What do you call that? Memorabilia. If they're like, this is from a movie. I got the real shit. You know? It's like fakes. Like with a baseball card. Oh, you got the Indiana Jones shit? Adolf Eichmann. Yeah. Right here. This is the good Nazi shit. I got Goebbels. You got Spielberg. All right? Some Jew touched that one. I'm watching it with my friend and my girlfriend's not fucking...

She's a Texan, so she's like, oh, really? He still has bullets? I'm like, that's your problem with Indiana Jones? No.

He's fucking breaking... He's getting their guns out with a whip. Yeah, right. So many great scenes. You know that scene where the guy has the two crazy machetes and he just shoots him immediately? Great bit. As a kid, that was like... I laughed so hard. Same. I remember watching it with a cousin who was like, he just killed him. I'm like, oh, you're going to grow up to be a pussy. You suck. Yeah, it's a great misdirect. How about the scene... This is why Indiana Jones changed the game. When he's up on the plane and he's trying to do something and the big guy's like, come on, come on. And he goes...

That is everything. You never see a superhero guy or the protagonist like, oh, I got to fight this fucking guy. The guy's huge, shirtless buff guy. And he's like, all right. He doesn't back down, but he's not happy about it. That's such a good point. And also, I think that was the first time they did the...

The propeller from the plane to kill the guy that I had seen at least. I was like, holy shit. I think so. They've used that since a ton, but... To George Lucas' credit, he got the script to this and he sent it to Spielberg. He's like, you would be better with this. You got to make this. Wow. So, yeah, I've...

Lucas produced it, but I think Spielberg directed. They were playing a ton of good shit at the Film Forum all weekend. It was just like a lot of, it was like best of 80s, they called it. But they had like, you know, like the Palma, they had like Dressed to Kill. They had like fun movies playing there, After Hours. Oh, nice.

Love After Hours. That's a fun one. Yeah, that's such a you movie. The whole movie, no cell phone. That's basically the whole movie plot. There's no phone. There's no GPS. That's Seinfeld. Yeah. Those whole miscommunications, that's West Side Story. We could clear this up with a text. Right. No one's dying. Yes. A misunderstanding could carry a movie. Carries a movie.

Oh, yeah. Great, great film. I watched on the waterfront. Had you never seen it? Never seen it. Oh, it's incredible. I'm on a Kazan kick. It's so good. Isn't that, that's like one of the best scripts, too.

And the acting is just everything. You know, Marlon Brando. And Carl Malden was he? Yes, yes. The priest. The fucking nose. Oh, quite a beak on that guy. He had a beak for a priest. Yeah, Jim Blossom. But yeah. He's so good. So what do you think Orson Welles meant when he said this movie celebrates the snitch? You've just seen it. He's a snitch. Yeah, he did snitch, but he snitched in a good way. Right. I didn't love the ending. I don't want to give it away. Is there snitching in a good way?

He did. Okay. Yeah, I mean, he snitched on the bad guy. Yeah. But Orson Welles' point that we played, I think, on a previous episode was, you know, he was a snitch, and he found an example of where snitching was good. And he's making, like, he thinks that's...

Like, this is my story to tell. And it's like, nah, you snitched on fucking commies, man. Yeah. Yeah, so good. You name names. Right. But I do love at the end of that interview, Orson Welles goes, but I must add, he is a very good director. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Even after trashing him, no luck that he's ever, we've got to find the clip again. It's such a good fucking clip. Yeah. I couldn't, there's a lot of Tyson parallels. He's a boxer. He has pigeons. He's short. He's against Brooklyn, against the world. He raped. Oh my God. Did you see the clip of Tyson and the guy on Morning News? You got to find this. No. Tyson with a guy. So you were convicted of rape, but you got to see what Tyson says back. What? This is crazy.

This is old, huh? Yeah, it's old, but it's crazy. Oh, I have seen this. This is incredible.

Well, you got to pull that up quick. Nice. Google bitch is back. It's would say, you know, there's a race for mayor. We know you're a convicted rapist. He joins us right now with his promoter, Alex. Thanks for joining us, both of you. Some of your critics would say, you know, there's a race for mayor. We know you're a convicted rapist. This could hurt his campaign. How would you respond to that? Hey, I don't know who said that. You don't even know who said that. You know what I mean?

And I don't have no comment to that, you know, because it's negative and you're being negative. And I met the mayor and nothing they can do about it. So, interestingly, you come across like a nice guy, but you're really a piece of shit. Hey, come on, man. Come on. No, that was a piece of fuck you. That was a piece of shit. You know, we're doing live TV. I don't care what you're going to do about it. Is it nerve wracking for you to do something like this or is it more nervous for you to box? How does it compare? I don't know.

It's more nerve-wracking to me to hear us talking to a rat piece of shit. Is that Chaz Palminteri? No. That guy thought he was going to segue his way out of that? Yeah. So which is more nerve-wracking? No, no, no. Fuck you. He's going to segue calling him a rapist. So which do you prefer? Wow. Chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Yeah. Oh, man. Here it is. This is killer.

Because Ilya Kazan is a traitor. He is a man who sold

to McCarthy, all of his companions, at a time when he could continue to work in New York at high salary. And having sold all of his people to McCarthy, he then made a film called On the Waterfront, which was a celebration of the informer. I never put that together.

And therefore, no question which uses him as an example can be answered by me. I have to add, I have to add that he is a very good director. He keeps it so real, and he also speaks in like...

as a writer i mean right every line is so well put together the build is great that's true he's so dramatic everything he says is so dramatic and that's why fuck that book i i said that i told adam eget to read on the toilet it's so funny great but he's he sent me him reading it uh at the uh on the beach on a vacation adam egets reading it and he uh

The part that he found hilarious, that I found hilarious, is this young director trying to get Orson Welles to do his first movie. And Peter Bogdanovic is like, I'll tell you where he's staying. It's in New York City. I probably told this in the pub, but it's such a great story. And he goes, I'll tell you where he's staying, but, you know...

He's not going to do your first movie. Shows up to his hotel. He opens the door in purple pajamas. He said he looked like a giant grape. And he said... He goes, who are you? And he goes, I'm a director. I need you in my film. You're my favorite filmmaker. And he goes, I'll never do a director's first film. Never. And he goes, that's not true. You did your first film. And you were a director. And he goes...

I won't do it. Get out of here. Leave. And then he goes, I know you're a magician and you play a magician in this. And he just paused. He goes, could I wear a cape? So we got him. He just did it. Can you imagine showing up to your hero's hotel? And by the way, I mean...

I mean, just like he's the most interesting guy. He's the weirdest, most fascinating. Oh, yeah. I mean, in the book, you're just like reading along and it's all normal. And he's like, I should say he was a red man, a Choctaw. You're like, where did that come from? But he just slides it in.

It would be like weirdly racist against the Irish in the book. And you're like, who's racist against Irish people? It's like your old bit. Yes, yes. So you loved On the Waterfront though? Yeah, I loved it. I mean, it's so cool because it's a New York movie, but it's in this one little bubble and-

And there's not a lot to it. It's pretty bare bones, but it still packs a punch. And it looks beautiful. For some old black and white movies, the look doesn't hold up sometimes. Yeah. But this one looks gorgeous. Looks great. And of course, as you know, he changed the game with method acting. And this is really where it's showcased. And he was kind of a nobody, right? Brando was not a big name. I think Streetcar was before this. Oh, yeah.

But he, I mean, yeah, he was like a hunk in this too. Hunk and 5'9". Yeah. Helps out the five foot club.

And James Dean, 5'7". No shit. Yeah, that's a lot. Actors, man. They're always smaller than you think. Tiny. I think Tom Cruise is, what, 5'8"? Is he? Yeah. In heels. Rogan, 5'1". So, yeah, crazy. Peter Dinklage, weirdly 6'7". He's that good an actor. Brando's in Streetcar in 51'. Oh, 51'. Wow, that's a big film. Julius Caesar in 53'. Wild One in 53'. And then on the waterfront right after that. But...

He found him. Kazan found him. Yeah. Or propped him up at least. Yeah. Yeah. So he's so good, man. Um, you know what? I got a good rec for you guys. It's a show on Apple called slow horses, slow horses. It's phenomenal. All right. Gary Oldman plays like an out of shape, like greasy, doesn't shower, farting, belching, uh,

head of this, they're called the, it's Slough House. They're like the MI5, you know, they're CIA basically. And it's like, this is where the castaways get sent. The people who fucked up are now in Slough House, the slow horses. And he's the head of them and he's an asshole to everybody, but he's brilliant. And he was like a great spy in his day, but now he's kind of like a washed up, he's still the best.

But he's washed up and looks like shit and always drinking and eating. He's just always eating something disgusting and farting. And Kristen Scott Thomas is high up at the MI5. It's so fucking good. Oh, wow. Apple's killing it lately. They just have terrible...

Marketing? Yeah, it's so... Because I've mentioned the show to a few people and no one's heard of it. I've never heard of it. Dude, my parents watch it and they're like, it's so good. And then Dana Gould, I got the second... You get the second text. Yes. And he was like, you got to watch Slow Horses. And I just, you know, I was like, all right. Hell yeah. All right. I'm in. I mean...

The lady, this is what I'm watching now. It's called Under the Bridge. What's that? It's a true crime, but it's real. It really happened. True crime. And it's about these, I don't want to say, about a girl who got murdered in Canada. And a woman wrote a book about it. Now the book's a movie or a series. But it's all real. It's got the lady from...

The Red Man. Where is she from? Choctaw? Choctaw. Flowers of the Moon or whatever. Oh, I heard it's really good. Lily Gladstone? Yes. Yeah. But it's a real story, and you cannot believe this really happened. There's so many layers to it. It's kind of a detective thing. And the lady, my wife, is obsessed with true crime, so she listens to this shit all day long. But to me, this is hard to watch. It's so brutal. It's so real. It's so violent. Yeah.

It's fucking me up. I had to turn it off. Before you got here, Salah Hughes and I were talking about being a POW and what pussies we would be. Can you imagine? I can't watch certain shit. I don't know how people... There are spies who will just get the shit kicked out of them and be like, you better kill me. And you're just like, oh my God. I'll fucking... I'll do any... I'll give you guys up in a second. Are you kidding me?

One flick of the ear, I'm like, all right, just take him. All right, Kazan. But yeah, it's true. They go like, you better tell me where the documents are. And they go, they spit on the guy. And I'm like, you know he's going to fuck you up now. You spit on him. Crazy. My wife likes it.

You ever do the mouth spit? It's not my thing. It's not mine either. I find it very weird. I remember a guy told me once, she let me spit in her mouth, and I'm like, gross? Yeah, yeah. I didn't do it. It's like I already have an older brother. I know. Seriously. Yeah, it's like, well, you had a bit back in the day about the Indian...

Oh, the rug burn. The rug burn. Yeah, how bullying just became sexual. Yeah. Rug burn, choking, pinning you down, all that shit. Titty twister. Yeah, yeah. All the same shit. Slapping. Yeah, the credit card swipe. Yes, yes. Now, then the joke was, now I'm on the playground taking notes. Hey, you know my whole act. I forgot about that one. We've been doing this a while together. That's true. That's true. Yeah, my lady, I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but she wants all that. She's like, throw me through a wall. I'm like, okay.

You say that, but if I threw you through a wall, you'd be in the hospital. Yeah. Lawsuit. Yeah, exactly. And you'd have that Kool-Aid thing through the wall. What? Whose joke is that about, like, you say you want this, but the difference between...

me doing it and it actually happening as a jail time for me. What was it? Oh, yeah. I think Louie had one back in the day. Yes. Consent law or something? Yeah, where Louie was like trying to go like... Great bit. Yeah, and she was like, I want you to go for it. No, no. She's like, what happened the other night? And Louie's like, what do you mean? And she goes, I thought you were just going to go for it. He goes, what, are you out of your fucking mind? You thought I was going to rape you on a whim? On the off chance you're into that. That's what I want. And you want to show that to all women and go, what do you think of it? Yo! Hey! There he is.

Hey, how are you? Staten Island's own. Hey, Sal. Sal Volcano, everybody. What's shaking, buddy? Good to see you. How are you doing?

Come on. We're good. We're just chopping it up about... I'm changing my shirt in there. The stole is like a foot by a foot. Oh. I've done it out in the hole. Oh, yeah. You got to go handicap stole. You kind of dress like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You wear a black shirt and a jean shirt. I'll hand out stunts for free today, man. How you been, man? Stone Cold Creamery. Yeah.

I tell you, I met him and I went on his show. He has a bunch of shows. Yeah. I had to spend the day with him for his show. It was wild, man. He took me first things first. They didn't want me to meet him until it was on camera. So I come out of my hotel. He's supposedly picking me up in a Jeep outside the hotel. All the kids are all hooked up to the cameras. He pulls up. I'm like, oh, my God. Meet him for the first time on camera. So we start driving and just bullshitting. Yeah. And we're driving 10 minutes, right?

And we're going down by the beach. And then just unannounced, out of nowhere, he cuts the wheel in the middle of driving, hops the curb, drives onto the sand in the beach, and pushes the gas down and starts heading straight toward the ocean. Didn't tell me anything about it. What the fuck? We're in a Jeep, right? And then I think he's messing with me. He goes right into the ocean. Whoa!

And then the Jeep becomes a boat. Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God, it's like online somewhere. Yeah, and then I was just, I was like, I was stunned. Of course. I didn't even mean that, but I was really stunned. And then we just drove around in a Jeep boat talking for like a half hour. What? Then we left there. He takes me to the wrestling ring. And is there any point where you're like, dude, what are you doing? I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. I literally was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then we went in I was like I thought we're gonna sink and then he just like we just started driving I was like, how do you have this? Yes, like you that kind of income. Yeah. Wow. This is incredible. Yeah comedians in jeeps going into the ocean

They should really have Caitlyn Jenner host this show. Oh my god. This is incredible. I guess Stone Cold. That'd be great if a dolphin threw him a Bud Light.

Are we in any danger? Wow. Why are these more popular? I want to fucking eat both. I think he said... He tells me the price of it. It was something ridiculous. Oh, like a couple of mils. No, it wasn't mils, but it was like...

you know, more than me and you would spend on anything. Wow, look at that shit. That's incredible. And it does it. It becomes amphibious immediately. Like it does it. What's really the purpose of a thing like that other than scaring the shit out of your friend? That's it. He probably does that three to five times a day.

Yeah. I mean, I would just drive into the ocean all day long, drive out and drive back in. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just passing people on the blankets, just shocking everybody. Yeah, there's bad traffic. You're like, fuck it. Right, right. Yeah. Just fishing. Then he took me to a wrestling gym, and he taught me. He literally gave me a lesson, like how to take bumps, how to take falls. Wow.

He gave me a... His friend gave me a stunner. Whoa. Yeah. Wait, his friend? Not you? No, he didn't... He wouldn't do it. He wasn't, like, really being that physical at that time. I think he had, like, something with his back or whatever. But he since then went and did it in the ring. And then after that, he has his own beer. It's no Bodega Cat, but he has his own beer. We went to his brewery. We sat there and just drank, like, 10 different beers and got drunk all on camera. Wow.

What a day. It was like a make-a-wish. I would love to get out. Did you blow him? I mean, after all that, how could you not? What's this rate at this one? If he would have asked, I would have had to consider. Yeah, yeah. That's a hot date. The best thing ever is I'll be like...

A few months later, right? I'm at MSG or whatever it is, and I'm there for Raw, Monday Night Wrestling. He somehow is making a – he's not wrestling anymore. So whenever he comes around, it's like once a year, twice a year. It's a big to-do. And it's a complete surprise. They bring him in in like a box. No one's supposed to know, right? Whatever. So I hear he's going to be there. I text him. I say, hey, I'm here tonight. I just happened to be there. He goes, oh, cool, cool. I'll be out in the last match.

comes out last match, everything finishes up. He does his beers, he grabs the mic, he goes, where's my buddy Sal Volcano? Oh my God. I swear to God, I was like...

And he said, come on down, come on down. I was like, I just walked up. He takes two beers, comes over. I go right up to the thing. He gives me two. We smash them and drink the beers together. Whoa. Yeah. Where's that clip? Yeah, that's probably, I think that might be online too because people were taping it. Holy shit. Yeah. Were the jokers in the window going, all right, pick one up. Yeah, I mean, that was like two, I mean, I just, yeah, that was crazy. Wow.

Wow, what a life. I mean, wrestlers really have a lot of comedy similarities. You know, like he invented that character. He was a funny dude on the mic. Oh, so funny. That's how you become that famous. Yeah. The rocks. You have to have charisma. Yeah. Funny on the mic. Mm-hmm.

Everybody's got their persona like that. Ours are a little more subtle, obviously. Salvocano, where are you? Whoa! Thank God you were there. Did you think at any point after you drank the beers he was going to kick you and stun you? I wish. That would have been awesome. I wish. Wow. Oh, my God. You're up close. Holy shit.

That just happened. But I imagine that's what he does because he drinks like 15 beers in like six minutes. Yeah. And those were 16 ounces. Yeah.

Holy shit. This is, even can die now. And it's sad that you can show this to a woman and they don't care. They don't get it. And that's why I've stopped, you know, really being around women. Almost exclusively. That's, that's pretty epic, dude. Who else? Like there's some huge jokers fans out there. Who else is like, hit you up where you're like this fucking guy.

Oh, Jesus Christ. It's always crazy. It's never like, you know. Bruno Mars, I think I told you. Oh, Bruno Mars. That's big. Yeah, Bruno Mars is crazy. He was on stage doing, literally at the encore, he's singing whatever song, his biggest song at the time. And in the middle of it, he just starts screaming out quotes from the show. Jeez. But I went backstage beforehand. He was making a Jack and Coke's.

He took us on a tour. He has this little, under the stage, they built out just for him for the whole tour. They build it out. There's a room down there. It's like a little office break room kind of thing. It's got a vanity mirror. It's got waters, his clothes. It looks like a little room. And he showed it to us beforehand. And when he walked out, I took a picture and I just wrote Bruno. Because he goes down there in the middle of the show to change.

every single show. So I just wrote Bruno, something like Bruno, you're slacking out there. It's decent at best. I mean, like you got to pick it up and I just, I left it there. So he saw it, he laminated it and he kept it on the mirror for the whole tour. Wow. Yeah. He was a cool dude. He was a really cool dude. Well, I mean the show, your show is like, it's like a cookie. You know, I just put it on and when I'm on the road, on the hotel, I just, I don't even have the sound on. I just leave it playing. Yeah. Yeah. It's just comforting. It just played all, yeah, it's like Mario Lopez. Right.

No, it is. It's such a fun show, man. I mean, I've watched. It's a great flight show, too. You guys, you haven't been on? No. No, no. I didn't want to bring it up. You're welcome to come on any time, man. If you're interested, I'll just think about it when we're in the room, the writer's room. I'd be honored. So many comics have just come on. If you'd like to. Hell yeah. I'd love to. Be heard here first, folks. That's a witness.

Yeah, I mean, if you wanted... He wanted to buy Murr and they were just like, mm. Yeah. Yeah. The other joker's got to say... It's not a fan. It'll have to go through the proper paperwork, but...

That's pretty cool, Bruno Mars. Have you been on tour like crazy? Because, by the way, new special. Yes. Is it on your YouTube channel right now? It's on 800-pound gorilla YouTube right now. Nice, nice. It's called First Special. Our other buddy Ari Shafir EP'd it. You shot it at the Vic just like Mark in Chicago. Oh, that's right. Long time, kind of long time overdue. It's kind of a big deal. Yes, it's been like probably 10 years worth of stuff there. It's called Terrified.

It's, yeah, I mean, it feels good to finally have that out and, you know, done and now working on the next one. Well, you spent years on it. Years, yeah, years. Which I love because, you know, a lot of people are a celebrity. They go, hey, I'm going to go right into it special and get the eyeballs. But you worked it out. Yeah, no, it was a good eight, ten years of stuff. And, yeah, it came together because it's like,

There was a lot of material I didn't use. I have a few hours, but I wanted to have a theme of it. I wanted to have it through line and everything. And I didn't know what it was going to be when I had the venue booked and everything. And I'm just looking at everything and it kind of came together. I realized that a lot of my stuff is fear-based. And so it's kind of a fear-based journey from my childhood to adulthood. Hey, that's great. It's good, man. It's up there now, so...

I don't know if you like it. Spread the word. Hell yeah. It went on the day it releases my tour. My new tour also went on sale. So that's on sale right now too. New hour, which I don't have yet. You're writing a new hour? Yeah. I'm in the middle of an hour. It's like, oh God, man. And you know what's crazy? The tour starts in November and I don't,

It's on sale right now. It's called Everything's Flying Tour. It's selling. And it's like, you know, I don't have it yet. You know what I mean? It's terrifying. It actually is, right? But that will motivate you. Yeah, you need it. Get on it. Get on your ass, yeah. So, yeah, big week. It's a lot of...

it's a lot of falling on your face. It's, we were talking about the other night. Was it your show I saw you at? You were getting off and you're like, oh, none of my new shit hit. Yeah. And then I went on, none of my new shit hit. Yeah. And it's like, you know, you just gotta, yeah, back in that space. Cause that, toward the tail end, when you're like working, like when you're just drilling the special at the end, you're like, it's like, oh, this is, I know exactly everything. You know, there's no, and then you got to reset right to the bottom. Yes. And comedy's so weird. Two things. You see the Steve Martin doc?

I got to watch. Back. I'm going to watch. Is it new? He's got a new album. Oh, no, I didn't see it. Great. But there's one point where he's just cooking finally after 20 years of doing this act, and they finally get him on Saturday Night Live. So he's like, I'm going on Saturday Night Live. And he said walking out, he had the feeling of, wait till they see this shit. Like, this is going to blow up. Right, right. And that's a great feeling. It's a stand-up when you feel, Seinfeld calls it the bolero. What do you call a bolero? Like a bulletproof vest? No, those guns. Bolero? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? The bolero.

Bolero. Bolero. You got all the ammo. Rambo. It's loaded up. Yeah. Rambo. And that's the best feeling. But when you start the new hour, you got like a fucking twig. Swiss Army. Yeah. You're up against a bunch of lions and you realize you can't do it. But I saw Louie the other night and I think he'd be okay with me saying this. He took a year and a half off. Rusty. Yeah. Bad. Bombing. Should never do comedy again. It was rough. Where at? Uh,

The cell. Okay. Or the stand, whatever. But he was struggling. And you're like, this guy is like top five, top 10 of all time. Yeah. He's struggling. And that's what's crazy about stand up. Like if you give a trumpet player a trumpet after two years, he could be five minutes. He's got it. Yeah. Stand up. It's all back to use it or lose it. Yeah. Yeah.

You do lose it, man. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's a muscle. Yeah. Rhythms off. If you can't speak it with confidence, you're tiptoeing through it in the beginning. Yeah. I know you go to the cart a lot. The notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But both of you guys are jokers. It's just shorter. I'm going long forward. How do you like when you go up there?

Even Vitor, I always wonder like when Vitor... By the way, his special's out. Yes, that's right. The hilarious Gary Vitor. Yes. I'm a producer on it. He crushed it. I'm so proud. He's the best. Every joke is perfect. I'm like, how do you... I guess it's just a repetition thing. But even when you're doing sets and you're pulling things and putting things in and you have these set up, punch, set up, and it's like...

200 jokes in an hour. Like, how does he remember the order of it? I think because you write it and there is a transition. Like, oh, I did my baby stuff. A necklace. Yeah. Like, it kind of goes into the necklace. String it together. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it's tough. Yeah, yeah. Especially when it's new. You got to figure... I'm at the stage right now where I'll be like, ah, shit, I forgot to do that one. I like that one. Yeah, yeah. For me, within a story is tough because I'm like, if I miss one part of a story that has to pay off later. So that's when I'm really like in my head up there. But...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're all in the bombing phase right now. It's just hard to write right now because, I mean, holy shit. I'm going back on the road, thank God. But, man, the Cellars, so many funny people there. Like, I followed Ethan Simmons Patterson last night. Oh, he killed. His shit's just killer. He's just murdering. Boom, boom, boom. And then I'm like, fuck. It took me, like,

seven minutes to get them on my side. To get them on my side. And then by that point, I was like, I got a couple off, but it's fucking hard. Yeah, yeah, it's tough. Yeah, it's when you're mixed in with people that aren't doing new material. And it's like, and then you're like, I'm always like, you know, for me too, if people see me, they don't like, they're like, oh, I know that, you know. And then if I'm working, like people that don't know really comedy, like not comedy, they'll come and you suck that night. You suck. That's what they tell me. I saw him, he sucked.

You know what I mean? They don't understand where the stage you're at. But we were on the other side of that. I remember being a young comic, very young at the comedy cellar, and Chappelle would pop in, and someone was like, you were funnier than Chappelle. I was like, we're doing different things. Yeah, yeah, right. But you know that, but that person's takeaway. He was fucking around trying to find shit. Right, right, right. But yeah, but the common audience member might not.

know that right and there's something about crowds you stand outside the cellar you listen to people walking out and they all go third guy was probably the best second guy he sucked the girl was fat whatever and you're like what is that and it's it's not even malicious they just human nature where they have to compare yeah yeah and it's a competition all yeah they don't a lot of times they don't remember names so like oh that guy yeah this guy yeah

I know. But the real savvy fans out there, they like the workout stuff. But that's like 10% of the fans. They're excited to see us week. I mean, think about it. It is kind of cool to see...

your favorite comics working shit out because you get to kind of see their mind at work. I mean, that's the best. Yeah, totally. When I see like Louie fucking around, that's almost more exciting than seeing the hits. Yeah, for us. Give your balls a little hammock this summer for the ultimate in hot weather comfort. You've got to try sheath. I bet I'm wearing it too. Let me check. Whoa, the purple. Oh, I don't get purple. Yeah, I'm wearing it too, sheath. Look at that. Sheath underwear comes with two pouches to keep your dick and balls separate.

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Yeah, man. So you're off the road now, but you're going to go back. I'm on the road. This is the last leg with the Jokers on our tour that's been going on for like a year. We end in August and then my dates start clubs in September and then theaters in November. So I never really stop because when I stop, I go to them and then when we stop, I go back. So I'm always writing. So when I'm on tour and I have this hour, I'm writing that one.

I'm in a constant state of this feeling, basically. But, you know. Keeps you alive. Yeah. You might be. You're one of the hardest working people I think we know, right? I mean. Yeah, yeah. I feel guilty asking Sal to do anything. Please don't. I know, I know. Please don't. No way. You're always doing shit. You're coaching with Steve Austin.

Nah, nah, don't ever do that. Come on. Actually, I would love to have just a regular hang with you guys soon. I haven't been to the clubs in a while because I've been just riding on the road, but now I'm going to come back now. Throw them back up. Yeah. It's one of the cons of being busy is like we used to go to the cellar and then you do your set and you're like, oh, Sam's here. Oh, Phil Hanley's here. Oh, Sal's here. And you would just sit and talk. Oh, God.

For four hours. And you're like, ah, it's 2 a.m., we should go home. Yeah. But now it's like we're all slammed. Yeah. It's like being a kid. When you're a kid, you just see your friends at school. Yeah. And then you grow up and you're like, oh, shit, we have to make an effort. Yes. Same in comedy. That's kind of school, right? Yeah. And that's happened with so many of us. It's not the same when I go down there. You know what I mean? It's like...

Like go five years back and like exactly what you're saying. It's like, oh, I'm staying for the whole night. It's like all of us there, you know? This is why I do like fully loaded, you know, with Bert. Cause I'm like, I don't really care about doing 10 minutes in front of Bert. I'm just like, oh, sodas on, uh, you know, maybe Shane will pop in big J's on. It's like a hang. Yeah. Yeah. That's really what you do. I'm pumped. He's on it now. I did one. I did one. I was supposed to do a weekend, but I was already booked. So I did, I flew out and did one at a, I don't even know where in a baseball field somewhere.

It was fun. It was good. Yeah, it's a good time. But yeah, you're right. You know what the key is now? Text threads. You get a good text thread with like seven, eight comics. Oh, it's like a hang. It's like, yeah, that keeps it alive. It's like, yeah, it's like a lifeline. Exactly. And boy, if anybody ever got a look at that text thread, holy shit. I'm in one where we have a purge every New Year's. What does that mean? We delete the thread.

Smart. Every, like, in between the week of December and January, we get together for a hang, and then we all delete at the same time. I would rather a sex tape of me coming out with my text thread. Unreal. I would go to jail. We all would. Either way, most of the comics would be like, that's it? Yeah, that's it. We don't care. We don't care. We're numb.

But, you know, let me tell you something. Bert gives some swag bag at those. I got a shipment to my house. It was basically like thousands of dollars worth of shit. Unreal. You got to be a VR thing one time. Yeah, I got a full, full scuba gear. Whoa. And that was one of 10 things. I never got that. I got sneakers. I got slides. I got sweatshirts. I got a grill. Yeah. I got a bow and arrow. Whoa.

An AR-15, a fucking flashlight. Well, like a bow, whatever it was. I opened it once. I was like, I don't want to use that. But he really goes over with it. You could just pay us more.

We don't really need a scuba tank. I don't know what these broad scuba assumptions are. I live in New York City. What, am I going to the East River? Come on. Anyone on that bill I looked at and I was like, nobody here is ever going to scuba. Big J's chain wallet. Prostate tip.

Yeah, right? Yeah. We appreciate it. He got me a track suit. Yeah, you get sneakers. Oh, he's great like that. Very generous. I got the Netflix. The Netflix. Woo!

Ooh, custom-made Air Force Ones. Those are cool, man. Very nice. I might scrape that off. I never see you in a Nike. I'm not a big Air Force One guy, but they're free. You pull them off. They look great. Hey, thanks. I like a simple shoe. Yeah. I would agree with that. This is the classic. Well, I love this. This goes with anything and everything. I'm a sneaker guy. I have like 300 pairs. This is my favorite pair. 300 pairs. Yeah. I wear this like 50% of the time. It just goes with anything. These are just mad comfortable. Yeah, those look comfortable, but...

Those are classic, but they feel like I'm walking on plywood. Nah, you got to get the extra cush. They offer it now. I didn't know that. Get hip to the game now. Yeah. I won't do it without the extra cushion. No. No, you won't catch me with no cushion. See, I love a converse, but there's no cushion. I got to peeve. All right, we got to peeve. Wow. Toilet seats that won't, you can't get them to come up. They won't stay up.

I hate it. You're trying to pee and it keeps coming down. Oh, I see. My hotel room two days ago, I was there for five days. I went to the Bahamas. Finally had a break. Yeah. And the whole week it went up and it has the stopper, but it would come down slow. It would slow down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in a race now to pee. Yeah. Right. You got to do this shit while you pee. That's a pet pee. Yeah. There we go. I'm back.

That's a good one. Toilet seats like penises. Annoying when they won't stay up. Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, we had the fluffy, like the cushiony. Oh, that is wild that that ever existed. That's just a harbinger of disease in that thing. You're a germaphobe. Yeah.

To an extent. I'm not like, you know, like the guy that lives in a bubble or anything, but yeah, I really am. I could tell because you don't seem like you would be, but I feel like certain people in our lives, you can never spot a germaphobe. Yeah, that's true. They're like Jews. You can kind of tell, but not really.

That's true. Ironically, a lot of germaphobes juice. Yeah, true. That toilet seat was foam. It was foam. And then, you know, after about a month, it had a crack in it. That's the rub. That crack would cut my ass. Cut your ass. Cut your ass. But then everyone else is sweating and everything's going in there for the life of that thing. It's soaking in like a donut, like dunked in coffee or something. And then you're getting it. And when you sit down, it expels whatever's in there back up.

That's how sponges work. Google it. And...

That was just, I mean, you don't even know what you put on your body with that. You're right. I had ringworm every year. Yeah, that's what it's from. Oh, man. I never thought about that. It was the 90s. No one thought about germs. It got sweaty. I can't believe they still sell it. Who? Maybe someone with hemorrhoids or something. I don't know. Well, my dad loved it, but this is the Louisiana Heat. You're right. That thing had a film on it. It had a film. And you know what went along with that, which I still think is baffling? A shag carpet right on the bottom of the toilet. The toilet carpet. Oh.

Oh, yeah. How and why? How and why? It's a particle trap. Not even commercial carpet. It's shag carpet. Yes, you're right. Because we've all had the dick days where we don't know where the fuck that stream is going. Do you ever look down at a urinal when you go to pee? Yeah. It's horrifying. It's the Ganges down there. There's always a pube in there. How did the pube always fall off? You remember the girl? Sometimes I forget to clean it. You get a little pee on the side. She goes, what happened here? What do you think happened? Ha, ha, ha.

You know what happened. I've never left pee on a seat in my entire life. Really? I just peed in there. I took a thing, wiped it. If it's there, I wipe it. I do all white. Yeah. This is my move. I've gotten better at it, but in my own apartment. The sock? I go sock. Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't. This is the thought of a male ego. Oh, I won't hit the seat. Oh, I hit the seat. Sock. Where is that? I just raised it. That sock, you're talking about in your home? Yes. I still don't like it.

In your home. So then you walk around with a piece of... Oh, Jesus. But then, so you're traipsing that pee all over your home. All day long. Yeah. But I was a bedwetter, so you can drape me in urine. Sure. I wouldn't even notice. Oh, you're immune to it. Yeah. You have the antidote.

You have the antidote. I have the antidote, yeah. I'm covered in urine. I mean, you go to someone's house and there's that pee rug down there. Yeah. And it's like, you know, they're not throwing that in the wash nightly. You got that right. You know? Never. What? I have one in my house. I have that little, it's, you know, hugs the bowl. Even the cover, the bowl cover. I don't have the bowl cover. That looks fucking hilarious. What will we do? It looks insane. I don't know. Is that like a Legoland toilet? What did you find? It looks like the Lorax. It does.

That's silly. Come on. What is that, a cookie monster toilet? This is ridiculous. Dude, you know what I heard? I was in the gym today, and you know what song played? Remember that song? Superman that hoe. Yeah. Oh, soldier boy. Superman that hoe. Was that Billy Joel? Which is when you come on a woman's back and then put a sheet on it.

because it's a cape. Oh. Well, I think that's what I found out today. That's what that is. Yeah, but look it up. I could be wrong. But I'm like, no, I knew it. They get mad about our jokes. This is a hit. It's optics. It's optics. When you come on a girl's back and then stick sheets on her so when she wakes up in the morning, she has a cape. Something about your delivery was excellent. Yay!

I like that there was a producer there who was like, we've got ourselves a hit. But that's so funny because that's a crossover hit and so many of them. So you're at weddings and the kids are like, Superman, and they're all singing it. It's like there's so many of those. I know. When we were little, what was that other one? Looking in your big brown eye. Girl, I'm going to push it, push it some more. You know another one? What? Girl, I'm going to make you sweat.

Sweat till you can't sweat no more. Same guy. And if you cry. Same guys are saying the cops theme.

It is? Bad boys? Yes. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you walk around with that knowledge. That's unbelievable. Wow. I don't know that. Is that a reggae hit? Yeah, it was like a poppy reggae one. Wow. Well, what about skeet, skeet, skeet, motherfucker? I mean, that's just jizz, jizz, jizz. Yeah. Jizz, jizz, jizz all over the place. To the windows, to the wall. Yeah, that guy's jizzing all over the hotel. Fill the sweat drips down my ball. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, that is pretty cool.

Oh, yeah. That's a huge hit. It's about anal. You put a good beat in there. And the kids. The kids love it. This plays at the Disney store. I mean, at the M&M store. It does. He sees a lady across the room and ends up banging her in the ass. That's what that's about. And if you cry out when I'm doing it, I'm going to push it more, he said. Oh! La, la, la, la, la. I'm going to push it somewhere.

Which is also maybe an assault. Maybe. That's why I need the cops theme. Yeah. This is what Hamas should do. You want a bad message out there, add a good beat, and maybe people will listen. Hire these guys. Yeah, get some twerking women in burkas. This is the same guy? Same guy. Eric Andre had a great bit about this song. About how reggae is so homophobic, and he's like, what you're going to do? If you touch my ass, I'll fucking kill you. Something like that. But yeah.

Bad boy. Boy, cops. That was on every night at my house. They took it off and they put it back on now, right? Did they? It's Big Jay's favorite show. Went like 30-something years. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like a Hell's Kitchen to me. You could watch it. It doesn't matter if you've seen all 30 seasons. Oh, yeah. It's just...

It doesn't matter. You'll watch it all day long. They're all the same episode. It's the same thing over and over, but it doesn't really matter. You just love seeing that guy trying to get out of it. And then the funny part is you would see your town and you get excited. Oh, they're in New Orleans. They're going to meet up with some New Orleans guys. I might know them. It was fun. I never got how they got people to sign.

The waiver to be on TV. A lot of them were face blurred, though, so they probably didn't sign. I imagine they said, we'll let you off a little bit in court if you sign this thing. We'll hire you a lawyer. How is that anywhere legal, though? They're compromising the law for entertainment and for ratings. How is that a bargain? I'm sure they're lying. I don't think being on the show helps their case at all. Also, I think there's a lot of dumb guys who are like,

I can be on TV. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I'm on cops. I mean, Wilson Vince. Why do women sign up for Girls Gone Wild? Do they sign up for that? I thought the whole thing was they didn't sign up for it. They just start going wild and you catch it. You got to get a release. You got to get a release. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense now. I never really thought too much about it. Oh, yeah. That guy's in jail, yeah? Yeah. I think so. What happened? What was his name, Joe?

Joe Haram. He was like a, he was like a worth like, he was like, he was like worth like a hundred million bucks and then it all came crumbling down. It was one of those rich and shameless ones. Yeah. Dude, I just watched one of those. They're on TNT. They're pretty good actually. Do you see the one, who is that, uh,

Joe Francis. No, the guy from the, he played for the Jets and then he wanted to be a boxer for a while. And they had this scummy promoter who was trying to be Don King. Yeah. And he, so they're just paying people off to take dives. Because look up the Jets guy who was a boxer in the 90s. Not Hershel Walker. That guy could not use any more blows to the head, I'll tell you. But yeah, find the guy's name. Because they're doing like all these boxing matches. No, he's a white guy. White guy? Yeah. Yeah.

It was a started in 89 ended in 95. But dude, they're just paying people to take dives. Wow. Because they said this promoter is a scumbag. And if he can get to 12 and 0, they'd give him a shot at George Foreman, which this guy's huge and shredded, but he can't box. Sure. Ridiculous. Yeah. He's getting he's going to get killed. So he goes against one real guy. And the real guy is like, oh, I'm going to fucking kill you. Frank Gore.

No, it's not Frank Gore. Dude, it's from like the 80s. Oh, Gastineau? Gastineau. Oh, yeah. Oh, Gastineau. I didn't know. Yeah, the big stash? Yeah. Oh, yeah. But the guy he goes against, you got to find this guy's name, just fucking pummels him. He's smaller too, but pummels him. I can't box, and you never know if there's going to be a little altercation. You never know. It's like a Jew or a germaphobe. You never know who has the skill set. They can look very unassuming, and the last thing you want to do is be like...

engage someone who wants to do that and then you see they take a stance that looks like uh you know pretty professional and then what do you do then well it's like chris gethard's been doing muay thai for like 20 years and you would never know yeah nothing against him oh man thank god i almost swung him the other night he could kick all of our asses he's a tough dude oh yeah oh yeah amazing if you look at his if you look at him up close he's pretty like he's tough solid yeah

man, wouldn't it be great to be like a Brazilian black belt or something like that? Just something that no one else knows but you know. Yes. You can walk around and just feel like I can handle it. Don't worry about it. Completely. My brother's like that. He looks like a twink and he's been doing jujitsu for like 30 years, literally. And it took. Oh.

Oh, man. I remember the day it turned. We used to fight all the time. Then one day he just was like spinning me on his finger. No shit. Oh, yeah. Because there's always that thing like when you're learning it, if you have to apply it before you're really there. Yes. And then that's a real goose egg hanging out there because then you're like, I'm two belts in and I'm going to apply it and then just get pummeled anyway. Right. Yeah. I could always take him because I would go dirt. I'd go finger up the ass, twist the nip, bite the ear, whatever. But then he figured out how to throw me across the room with one flick.

How about that friend growing up who's like just learning it and keeps trying to put moves on you? And you're like, all right, I get it. I get you know what I mean. I mean, you're a full Nelson and I think it's like annoying now. Yeah. Anyway, the point of the story was he gets to the guy. The guy kicks his ass. So they want a rematch. And the guy does a rematch in like Oklahoma. It's shady. There's like 200 people there. The promoter fucking drugs him in the water. And it's like killing. It's killing.

It's killing him. Look up the guy's name. I think it's like Tim something. Drugs the other guy. Drugs the other guy. But Gastineau wins because he drugged him. And something's off about it. If you see the footage, so the guy... It's like a movie. So the guy calls him and he says, hey man, what the fuck did you do to me? And he goes, you call me again, I'll kill your sister.

That's what the promoter says. So specific. Yeah. All right, I'll text. Check your inbox. So he shows up to a hotel room with a gun to tell the guy, like, tell me what you did to me because I'm fucking dying. Like, something's wrong with me. Whoa. Oh, he saw him and he raised him. This is the guy who poisoned him. Whoa. The guy goes, that guy poisoned him? I don't see it. Yeah.

Yeah, he seems like such an upstanding citizen. But then he goes, I'm going to kill your sister now for you asking this. So he takes the gun out and kills this fucking scumbag promoter, goes to prison. They withheld evidence that he poisoned him and they couldn't find it. So this guy's still in prison for like 20 something years.

First degree murder. Did the other guy die? Yeah, he's dead. Oh, man. But he's in prison and his sister who he was like taking care of died. And he wanted to like be around to take care of the kids. Oh, this is tragic. All around. It's tragic. I'm sorry. How do you know this? Because I just watched the rich... It's not a 30 for 30. It's called, I think, like a rich and shameless...

Yeah, this is when he knocked out Gasano for real. I mean, this guy couldn't fight. He fucked his ass up. Oh! So this is the guy who's in prison still. The blonde guy. Yeah, he fucked Gasano up. So if they could get people, I mean, if it's out there that it's like he got wronged,

That's the legal system. There's nothing you can do about it. I mean, that's it. Remember that podcast Serial? Yeah. Get that woman on it. Yeah, really. Whatever happened with that Netflix one with the dopey kid that they fooled? Making a murderer? Yeah, right? There was a second season, and you felt for that guy, and then whatever happened? It was all debunked, I think. I think it was all wrong. Meaning they were... No, no. So meaning they're still in jail. They did it.

Oh, he was framed. I think he was framed. Well, that was what the doc was about. But what came of it? Like, is he still there? Are they still both in there? I don't know. I heard it was something shady, nefarious shit behind that doc. Really? That's what I heard. But again, it's a problem. We don't know. There's three people here who all watched it. We still don't know the... It swept an inch, but now you don't know what happened. You know what I mean? And then they did a second one. And so that kid was like, you know, like he...

You know, he was... It says he was sentenced to prison with eligibility for parole 2048. Hey, so I guess he did do it. He's still in. The young kid. Brandon Dassey. That's the young kid that they said they duped into admitting it. Yeah. Oh my God, that's 24 years from now. Yikes. He'll get out early. Good behavior. Oh my God. I got a good feeling. So they just think he did it then. So what about the people that were like making two Netflix docs to prove his innocence?

I want answers right now, Sally. I'm looking. Well, all these, they do follow-ups now, right? They did a follow-up to The Staircase. Now there's a new season of The Jinx. I'm watching that. It's good. I just watched the first season because I didn't watch it before. It's fucking incredible. Yeah, it is incredible. Yeah, it is wild. That is some shit. I'm not loving the sequel. I feel like it's too focused on the first one.

Like, it's all about the first episode or the first season. I'm like, give me some new information. Let's stop going back to the original. How far into you are you? Two eps. Oh, keep going. All right. I'm three, I think. Okay. That's pretty good, man. The way they got me was they said there'll be even more revealed. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm waiting for. You tell me all will be revealed. You say those words. I'm tuning in. Yeah.

I'm there. No money more than that. By the way, this podcast, you got to keep listening, but some crazy shit's going to drop in a few episodes. Oh, yeah. We can't tell you what and we can't tell you which episode, but just keep listening. Yes. Sal does a Superman. On Winnie. The question is on... The question is on...

She's the hoe. Small cape, just a napper. Do you remember when they used to have those, the magician tells all? Yeah. He wore a mask and he gave away all the secrets. Like, oh my God, I couldn't tune in faster than that. I love that. You know who didn't tell all was Copperfield. Yeah, I just. That's the thing, right? Oh yeah, 16 ladies. Wow. Yeah, sawed them in half. Yeah.

I saw him on Broadway and I was right in the front and I saw how he pulled some shit off just by eyesight. Yeah. And then I went again. So I went with my lady and then I brought my parents. So this is the disappointment. The first time I went, there's a point where they saw him in half or whatever. And he's standing up there and I literally saw it. So I was like, I can't believe this. But,

He's wearing black jeans and a black button-down shirt and it's tucked in and he's basically standing in front of fake black jeans that are molded to look like him. So he steps into the jeans, but they're just the front of him.

And like I literally saw it. So I was like, oh, all right. That's not too thrilling. Wow. Then he made this. He was pulling people from the audience left and right. Pull these two people from the audience, put them on a love seat, throw a sheet over it, levitated into the middle of the up in the middle of the theater. Right. And I'm like, oh, my God, this and that. I take my parents back. They were plants.

Same people? Same exact people. Now, look. How does he not get... Obviously, he's not levitating the couch, but I thought he was doing it someone new every time. It turned out the four people he took during that show, they were all the same people. Also, he doesn't think... This stuff has to be kept so close to the sequins vest, right? Yeah. He doesn't think that someone might go twice and then it's catch out of the bag immediately. Yeah. Yeah. So ever since then, I wasn't too hot on him. I was like, he didn't make the statue disappear. No.

It's still there, last time I saw it. You know what I heard? Those 16 women? Just one woman. He kept bringing the same one back. It's crazy. It's usually the same woman forever. Oh, my God. Damn, that's a bummer. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like the first time I ever saw a stand-up live, I was blown away. And I saw him again, same act, and I was crushed. Yeah. But... Yeah, it's another thing with Peter Saville's. I know, I know. Like I said, he did the same thing. I'm like, oh, you don't know. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But that's... You got to try to mix up a little. Get a couple new ones in there, but yeah. Well, there's a magician that's taken over the nation. He's out in the Midtown area. I can't think of his name, but his whole thing is like, okay, I'll tell you a trauma thing about you. And then he pulls a note out and he's like, your mom was killed in front of you. And the lady's like, that's true. How'd you know? Or whatever. And it's incredible. And it's sweeping the nation. Everybody says he's the best ever. Can't think of his name. But now I'm worried those are plants.

Oh, wow. Did you guys see In and of Itself?

You didn't hear about it. In and of itself. Oh, if you want to get your balls clear blown off. Is this the same guy I'm talking about? This is Derek DelGuardio. Yes, that's him. That's what he does there. They taped it for HBO or whatever. This is the guy. You've got to watch this. I saw this live three times. It is the wildest thing. So it's real? It's real. It's the wildest thing you've ever seen. I thought he was the guy who said it was a scam. I'm asking if it is because I'm saying you talk about it. Well, I mean, there's some secret, but it's real.

So when this first came out, when he was doing this live show at the theater downtown, they had to have people looking. They had a list of magicians. Because magicians were coming in trying to video it.

and find out that even other magicians don't understand how he did it. That's what I'm saying. It was in the news and everything. They were like, they caught multiple magicians attending the show and videoing it so they could try to piece together how the hell he did it. The show from beginning to end, you're like, I don't understand. Wow. But it's not just, it's not like tricks. You get in, you see those cards there, those little white cards? I am. So in the hallway before you get to the theater, there's like a thousand of them, right? Yes, that's the note. And it says, I am, and it just says like,

A comedian. I am a mom. I am a carpenter. I am a lover. I am afraid. And you get to pick whatever one you want. It's in the hallway. You just pick it. There's no cameras around, no nothing. You can pick it out. The whole place is let in. So it's not like they're watching every person because there's like 60, 70 people at a time just grabbing and putting it back. You rip the card. You put it in your pocket. You take it in.

At one point in the thing, at the very end, he looks at every last person in the audience and says, you're a comedian. You're a lover. You're neurotic. And he says, if I get it right, stand up. And the whole theater stands. That's every single person's card. How does he do that? I don't know. Even if he has a camera on the lobby or something where he has that, how does he remember everyone? It's impossible. Incredible. But the craziest thing he does is he calls someone on stage. This is it.

And I think like there's a book, if I remember correctly, but you go out, there's a bookshelf on stage. It's just really, really cool the way he does it. He tells this story of his childhood and it goes through these like five stages. And this person goes up on a ladder, takes a book, opens it, and let me get this right. Story of their life kind of thing? Yeah, so, no, so...

So what he does is he takes one person and he gives them a book and he says, every night I send someone home with this book. Every single night. It's halfway through the show. He's like, so you're going to miss the second half of the show. But if you want this book, I'll give it to you. You leave. You can attend tomorrow's show. I'll give it to somebody else. And you got to write on a page in there. And people, he's had it for like, it's a book this big and everyone's always returned it.

And I forget what it is, but he reads from it and there's something based out of there. But then he opens the book and there's a letter in it from their family. There you go.

And it's it's multiple people he hands like three or four letters, and he goes I want you to open this or people just start balling It's these intimate letters from people in their families that he has it's just the most insane We know I try Google the shit out of that. I can't find out how he does Wow Is he playing huge venues and super this shit the one I saw was in um I would say the theater held

120 people. Okay. But it was sold out. It was like the New York Times best ever thing, whatever it is. Well, then I wonder if he can't move up to bigger venues because this thing is gossipy. Maybe it's best intimate, like comedy. Frank Oz directed. That's a huge director. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if watching it's never the same.

But it's worth a watch just to see what I'm talking about. Because I'm not even doing it justice because I'm like half-assed to telling what he does. I've heard like 10 different people tell me about it. People walk out looking stunned. Yes. The whole crowd gets up and like it's quiet. Everyone's just like looking at each other like, what did we just see? I don't understand what we just saw. Wow. I don't love the crying that Magic brought in.

I liked it. It was fun. You cut the lady in half. Even David Blaine's out in the ghetto making crazy shit, making everybody laugh and run away. But now magic has turned into this, how do you know about my trauma? And I'm like, all right, do we have to bring trauma and everything? Is that a great trip? You were raped. Yeah.

I wasn't. I wasn't. Well, look down. Is that magic or is it just fucking terrifying enough? He like reaches in and pulls out a dildo. He's like, aha. I'm waiting. He's going to be like, you're gay. I'm like, oh no. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, everything has to be trauma now, but, you know, still impressive. I'm going to watch this on Hulu. To jump back to the boxing thing, who do you think is going to win it with Tyson and Jake Paul? Jake Paul? Yeah, have you talked about that already? No, we haven't. I mean, Tyson is just so old, but he's Tyson. He just had a health scare.

Oh, did he? Pet A. It was in the news. Yeah, so something. See, I want him to be on his best that he can. But don't you think, I mean, doesn't it kind of have to be a little rigged, these fights? Yeah. What does that say? Mike Tyson seen in wheelchair at Miami International Airport. You think he's playing possum? Ooh.

He could be. Changing the odds a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Making him think, you know, he's... I mean, if you watch the videos of him training right now, he's just as scary as 30 years... I mean, it's like... But he is 57 or 58. Yeah. It's going to be a stamina thing, maybe. But they made this one... So far, every other one wasn't a professional fight. This counts toward his record. Oh, wow. So if he gets this loss, it's going to be his second loss. Yeah. So that's why they're saying, like... Oh.

There's no way he's going to lose to this kid. Right. Well, Jake Paul. He's great. Everybody hates him, but he can fight. No, he knows what he's doing. He's tough. As an entertainer, promoter, I mean, the guy's, you know. He beat that Tyron Woodley, and it was a crazy right. Twice he beat him. He lost to one guy, though, right? Yeah, by decision, he lost to Tommy Fury. Yeah, Tommy Fury. That guy was good, though. Yeah, yeah. I watch every one of these fights because they're so intriguing. I know. You know what I mean? Barnum and Bailey shit. Yeah, yeah. Gotta do it. Yeah.

And then his brother fought Mayweather. I mean, these are like $1,500 million paydays for each of them. I know, I know. It's like you do a few of those and then... And what are they spending it on? Pokemon cards. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, I don't know who's going to win. My money's on Tyson, but this wheelchair thing, you never know. I just don't want to see... Nothing against Jake Paul, but you don't want to see...

Get beat up by a YouTube blonde kid? Yeah. It's just, yeah, it's like, he's, Tyson is untouchable, you know? I know. To see him now, if he gets knocked out, it's like, oh. It's like if Darth Vader got killed by like Justin Timberlake or something. Right.

You'd be like, Star Wars doesn't feel the same. That's true. Is it really a victory for him if he wins? I don't know. What if Jake Paul gets knocked out? Again, it's just so... Anything that happens... I just don't want it to be a drab fight that just ends in a little decision. Dude, I was bummed... I'm a Knicks fan. I was bummed when Nate Robinson got knocked out by one of them. I forgot which one. That was him. That was Jake Paul. It was Jake or Logan? Jake. That was fight number two, I believe. Well, he knocked him out, and I'm like...

Fucking Nate Robinson's not a boxer. But I love that dude. And it happened immediately. He just caught him immediately. And it's just weird. Like, why box a basketball player? He's training as a boxer, Jake Paul. Yeah. But that was like one of the fights where people were like, oh shit, he can actually, he has knockout power. Yeah. Because Nate Robinson was a strong player. Yeah, but he was older too. Older. And you see the fight, he just runs in and he has no form and it's like,

Yeah, I couldn't. If I had to square up against someone, I would look ridiculously silly. Yeah, totally. I was just reading about this fight with Marciano when he fought Joe Louis when Joe Louis was at the end of his run. He was like, this is my hero. He said, every time I hit him, I felt bad. I felt horrible. And he's like, after I won, I went in the locker room and I cried for half an hour. Oh, you beat him? Yeah. Marciano's undefeated. Well, that shows that age is a real factor because he's a better boxer than Marciano, I'd say. For sure. Yeah.

But he was just way out of his time. Is this who Raging Bull is based on? Yes. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Wow, they're really just slugging. It's like a Rocky movie. Look at those tiny gloves, too. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's no defense here. But Marciano, psycho dude, he grew up in the Bronx, I believe, and his parents, his dad would get all the kids together when they were five and throw pennies at them to fight. And whoever won the fight got the pennies.

So he said he had a padding in his head. They studied his skull, and he had more padding than most people. That's how he could withstand punches. Because it kind of hardened him? Yeah, yeah. Like Homer Simpson in an episode where he fought, also they did a reference to it, and he had extra padding. No way. He could just tire everyone out in that episode. Yeah, he could just take a million punches. That's crazy. Wow, 51. Look at that. Damn. I'm sure the honkies love that. How old is Tyson now?

59? No. 57? Is he really that... Tyson? Yeah, he's old. Wow. That's my only fear. 30-year difference. Yeesh. Yeah. Yeesh. And he's been to jail. He's smoking weed a lot now. It's not looking... If it was an actual no gloves on fight, Tyson wins in a second. Yeah. But with rules...

I don't think – how is Tyson not going to connect? Like, if you watch the Logan Paul – the really rich Floyd Mayweather one, it was, like, a lot of nothing. Like, he's – well, he's a professional dodger. So, like, no one can hit him. That's his whole thing. But, like, he didn't even really connect on Logan except for one time. So it's like I don't understand, like, how that's – how are they going to avoid – you tell me he's just going to be thrown, like, at the air the whole time? Like –

I gotta see him. Mayweather is incredible, but it's not exciting. He's never an exciting fight. It's just him winning on points. It's frustrating. You're just annoyed. It's like a fucking fly that you just can't get. But those heavyweight fights were so much more fun. Those old school Holyfield fights were awesome. Someone's getting knocked the fuck out. Tyson, obviously, back in the day. Lennox Lewis was a badass. I know he was a lot of length and stuff like that, but...

Oops, sorry, wrong one. So there's a theory here that during the Mayweather fight, Mayweather actually knocked him out and then lifted him up and held him up. What? Yeah, here it is. Here's the footage.

He punched him, knocked him out, and then holds him up. Oh, yeah, look at that. He's like, stay up, because I need this payday. Yeah. Wow. So what do you get? The more rounds, the more pay? Well, don't lose. You can't lose. Wait, why? Who said, stay up, I need the payday? So, not, I need the payday. I thought he did win, though. I think it was a tie. Wasn't it a weird tie? No, I think he won by decision. Oh, okay. Maybe it wasn't by decision, maybe. Yeah, he's done. There's no rematch if you fall or something like that.

Yeah, that's Logan. That's not Jake. Oh, is that what it was? Okay. Oh, sorry. It does look like it there, but I remember hearing this, seeing it from another angle and not being sure, but yeah, that does look like it. Yeah, it looks like he's holding him up, but here's the thing. He gets him right in the... It's not even about the winning or losing. It's the fact that these guys have the access to...

I mean, Floyd is the best boxer on the planet. Maybe, what's his name? Canelo. But he's one of the best. And Tyson, obviously, is one of the best. And they have access to these guys. That's the crazy part. Yeah, it's to pay them. Money will get you to listen to shit. I guess so. You box him? Would you box him?

Who? For a payday? Sure. You'd box anybody. I mean, I would last eight seconds, but I would do it. You'll be like, I'll take this hit and hopefully nothing bad happens? Hey, it's a 16-ounce glove. I got a mouth guard. Let's go. Oh, mouth guard. Yeah, no headgear. No headgear. Yeah, but you can knock me out. I've been knocked out. What's the price of getting in for that?

What's the threshold it's got to be at to get it? I would do it for 10 grand. Really? Shut up. Are you serious? I'd be huge on YouTube. I'd blow up and sell it for a year after that. Yeah, you'd get heckled pussy the whole fucking day. Yeah, wait, don't... I got in the ring that night. Don't extrapolate. I'm not...

I'm not saying... You're not doing it for a real number. You're not doing it for $10,000. Okay, well, I mean, $10,000 is the minimum. I'll do it for $100,000. You don't know what would happen. It's not going to boost you. All right, we'll say $100,000. $100,000. Which is peanuts to Floyd. And you get in, and they can knock you out. Yeah. Oh, wait. We're talking Floyd? I thought we were talking about one of the Paul brothers. You'd get in with Floyd? Yeah. For $10,000? Any of them, really. Why not? Why not?

Because Jake Paul's going to knock him out right away too. I mean, it's like, what are we doing? Yeah. You know? Yeah, I'd still do my old moves, finger up the ass, titty twist, whatever it takes. I think I would just go like this and then just, he gets me in the ribs, like, you know, the kidney and I'm like,

and just fall over that way. That's not bad. Yeah. Because you'll heal from that. You don't want to get CTE or a jaw broken. This could be like a punishment on Impractical Jokers. They did it on Jackass. What did they do? Butterbean just... In a store. Punched Johnny Knoxville in the face. It's disturbing. It is. This guy is known for knocking out heavyweight boxers. I don't think he even defended it, right? He just punched him. No, he was just like... Knocked him out cold. It was like, oh, it wasn't nice. It was like...

I mean, the balls on Knoxville to just... Yeah, look, see, they're in like a fucking Macy's. Oh, okay, so he boxed them. Okay, but there was no defense. Why can't we get... Oh, they're in like the sporting goods store. That's funny. I mean, he's got to go to the hospital. Oh, yeah, right there. I mean, that was it. And he's just laying there. Yeah, it's not even... Oh, I didn't realize they did it just in a public store. Yeah. Yeah, he's snoring, I think, right there. Oh, look at the blood.

Oh, that's not worth it. Now, that's that's different. No, it's the same. Maybe. How is that different? I think I think it's identical. No referee. There's no ring. Yeah. Oh, I probably hit his head on the glass thing on the case. This is horrible. Well, why would Butterbean agree to that?

And why did he get named Butterbean? I guess he looks like a Butterbean. What's a Butterbean? Slim Shady? Is that like a... It's a turkey. Oh, a Butterball. That's a Butterball. Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't know. Butterball would be a better name. Butterball would be a great... That's a Butterbean. Kind of look like him. I guess if you just expand it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Put two eyeballs on that. His head looks like a butter... His head and body. He looks like a butter bean on... A small butter bean on top of a bigger butter bean. With shorts on it. Yeah. Put shorts on a butter bean and you got butter bean. Why would he agree to do that? Well, it's a fun gag. I know, but you're going to... I mean, just knock someone out. Possible concussion. Yeah. Look at him. He needs the work. Yeah. Yeah.

And probably the craft service was solid. Let's be honest. I mean, he looks like a thumb. Yeah. Because he literally looks like a thumb. He does. He does. Bobby Kelly is really important. Old Bobby Kelly. Yeah, old Bobby. Bobby looks unreal. Oh, my God. Bobby hit me with a nipple flick the other day. That's a fucking peeve. What? It hits me with the nipple flick. Oh.

I hate a nipple flick. Yeah. And then he hit with like a, ooh. He hit with a nipple flick and did like the girly ooh. He nailed you. And we got that on tape. I got that on tape. He really knew the aim on the nipple. Bad people have great aim. I wrote down Peeves because I didn't like have one at the ready last time. All right. Please.

I hate it when you're driving, right? And the turning lane comes out of nowhere at the light. So you're driving this traffic, there's people on your left and your right. And all of a sudden the lane you're in now is a turning only. Yeah. Turning lane only. Good call. That's a bit. And now you're stressed or the, or the reverse. You need to turn it straight only. And,

It's on the floor only. Yes! And you're not seeing it. This car's in front of you. There's traffic in front of you. And then last minute, you've got to be the guy that has to make a maneuver that everyone thinks you're just, you know, beeping the horn. And then you're in traffic, so you're trying to merge and you're still in it. I've had people just, you know, roll down the window and curse me out. Great call. Happens all the time to the best of us.

And we're on the road. We're in random cities. We don't know the logistics. We don't have this shit memorized, you know? So they get mad at you and you're like, I'm not local. I hate it. I drove once in L.A. Wait a minute. Let's see. Oh, wait. I drove once in L.A. and I was immediately like, a guy was like, you asshole. And I was like, sorry. L.A. is tough. Is it right on red everywhere but New York? Is that the thing? Yeah. It's right on red everywhere. Oh, here it is. You fuckers.

Oh! You handled that well. Oh, I said it there too. It's true. Uh...

It's true. Yep. It's true. Right on the fucking nip. Lee Harvey. I'm getting him back. Yeah. I'll get revenge. This is my jerk store. You got to have an easier shot. He's got some real pizza pies on there. You got to get someone in on it with you and get a double. He doesn't know where it's coming from. I got your back.

Really? Yeah. You'll go right, I'll go left? Oh, yeah. I'll bring a rubber band. You only get one shot. It's like M&M, though. True. You hit him in the pec area, you'll never get him again. He'll be on high alert. It's like M&M, and he had some M&M. And Bob's spaghetti. But, yeah. All right. Bobby.

Good peeve. I got another peeve, too. All right, I got one, too. Mine's a little shittier than that one. That's a good specific one. I jotted them down this week. I'm like, I can't forget the peeves. Oh, I got one. Love it. I'm in line in a public bathroom. First of all, the side peeve on the way to my peeve, the unisex bathroom. I'm sorry. Women take way longer. It's a disadvantage to the men. That's a good point. But anyway, I'm in line. That's not the peeve. That's a side peeve.

People who take forever in the public bathroom. Yeah. Because there's two of them in a restaurant. There's two...

Like four people have come out since the first person went in that one. I'm like, oh, what are you doing in there? Right. I'll give you one better. When I go into that situation and I go in, I get anxious immediately. Of course. I'm like, I'm on the clock. I'm on the clock. You know, if someone's waiting out there, I don't want them to think I took a shit. I don't want to, you know, whatever. I'm just like, I'm rushing out. Sometimes you have to take a shit. I get it. Sometimes you got to go, you got to go. But I do like to hit them with one of these. When they come out, I like to go like this. No.

Good. Shame them. Yeah. A little shame. Consideration, folks. What are you doing? I'm a big door knocker. I'll give it a couple knocks. Yeah. Yeah. It's been taking too long. Yeah, that's good. That's fair. Because you could feign that you didn't know, you know, because, or you just jiggle the handle. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm in here. I was like, all right. And then they don't know if you walked away. Then you jiggle it again. Yeah. Because it could be somebody else. It could be somebody else. Yeah. That's a good one.

That's a good move. But it's still a peeve. Yeah. You remember that Louie episode where he's like, shit and get out. Then he walks away and Louie's standing there. He comes out. He's like, what the hell, man? He's like, that wasn't me. He's like, just stand there. But yeah, all right. I got a peeve. And I got a bathroom peeve after my other peeve. Yeah. This one's pretty basic. Pretty general. Is the...

The cabbie or the cashier lady or whoever who won't respond. They just won't respond. You get in the cab and he goes, where are you going? And I go, 53rd and 3rd. Is that cool? And I'm like, you got it? And he's like, do you have the information? He goes, I got it. And you're like, oh, I don't know. Give me a confirmation or some kind of reply. I hate the no reply. That's a New York thing. That happened to me today. Leaving my house to come in, I got an Uber and...

I took a little long. And, uh, cause I forgot something in the house. I had to run back in. But when he arrived, I'm like, I'm coming down in the elevator. Ubered here from, the time score is so annoying at Uber. Oh no, I, I not here, but I, so, or would someone today. So when he was pulling up, I, I'm like, I'm in the building. So I'm like, I'm in the elevator now.

And that's when I was still in my apartment. But I was leaving. But I went to the elevator, forgot something, had to go back in. So I already sent them the elevator text. Yeah. So then I was taken. I feel bad. So then when I got down there out of the building, I did the jog. Yeah. And I got in. I closed the door. And I go, oh, man. I go, my building elevator is not working. I had to just run down nine flights. Oh, smart. I was like, oh, man. Jesus. So sorry about that. But yeah. Yeah.

And there was no response. I know I'm lying to you and stuff, but like, like I'm coming in with an olive. I'm coming in. I'm being personable. I'm telling you. And if it was true, you know, I'm out of breath, you know, and I'm telling you, I just had something happen. He didn't say a single word. I might've even went. Okay. Yes. I do the okay now because I'm up sick of it.

Yeah. It's an epidemic and you made an effort. Yeah. You're like, hey, this is why I'm late, blah, blah, blah. When someone doesn't say thank you, you hold the door open for someone or someone cut with your line or like you wave someone on, they don't give you a thank you. Yeah, yeah. It's always just like, you know, I'm always like, you're welcome. You know, I want to say that, but I don't.

Because I feel like just from watching the internet that that could end up me getting shot. Same. Yeah. I was in the car with someone else driving and they like cut in and a guy let him in. And I noticed he didn't give you got to give one of these in the rear view. So I gave it. I overdo it. Yeah. I gave it up the shotgun window. Yeah. We're good. Thank you. He wouldn't do it. I'm like, we're living in a society. Yeah.

You're right about the people are crazy. They'll fucking kill you. Yeah. I don't want any static. I don't want any smoke. No. I think I had another. I got waiters that hover. Oh.

That's a good one. I'd almost want to actually be like, where is this waiter? As opposed to them watching me eat, standing there, or taking stuff before you're done. Oh, they love taking- Even a bartender, if there's this much left in a drink. Dude, I just paid $15 for this. That's $3 worth of drink. Where are you going? Good point. Good. And even when that ice melts, I'm drinking that too. Yeah. I want all of it. Although-

I hate when they prompt you because then they make you feel guilty. They go, all done here? And I'm like, uh, and it's a little left only. I know. But I'm like, I want it. And I'm like, nah, I still want to work on it. And he walks away and then I feel like shame. Yeah, no, no, I'm with you. This is a great one. The check while you're still halfway through the meal. Oh, that's. When you get brushed out. Yeah. It does feel like a woman putting a jacket on you while you're still inside her. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You're like, oh, come on. Come on, wrap it up. Wrap it up. Yeah, no, I'm with you. How about the check pay hover?

You know, they're like, here's your check. And you're like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And they're just waiting there. And I'm like, well, now I got to leave $500 as a tip because you're staring at me. When they bring the machine over there. Oh. And the screen comes up and it's like 10%, 15, 20 custom. And they literally stand right there. I know. Not even that I got to tip more. It's like I got to do a little math right now. Can you step away? Yes. The pressure's on. You make me nervous. It's like when someone's next to you and you can't pee. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm all jumbled up here. I'm trying to give you a good tip. Yeah, the stare while you're peeing really bothers me. Yeah. I got to stop doing that. When you're in a urinal and someone is like 30 open, like you're at a giant stadium or something, a guy comes in right next to you at the airport or whatever, that's always like, why are you, what are you doing? I know, I know. That's like also when a hostess, I mean, this is opening up a can of Peeve Rains. Bring it on, Finn. When a hostess, when a restaurant's wide open and...

And there's like two people at a table. They'll sit you right next to those two people. I'm like, why are you – I mean, I get it's easier for you. Right, right. That's a bad situation. I remember I was at a dinner with a friend of mine once and we were both shit-faced and just telling fucked up stories. I remember a guy on a date next to us just turned to us. He goes, do you mind? Yeah.

We were like, oh, we're sorry. And then we just went right back into it. We couldn't stop. And he got fucking... We might have cost him sex or gotten him sex with his stuff. That's true. Probably got him sex. When I was first seeing my lady, we were trying to think of date ideas, and I said...

It's a Wonderful Life is playing at the IFC. It's like classic. Classic. We got to go. So we took an edible each. So we're giggling the whole time. And it's a new relationship. So you want to have fun shit and do crazy stuff. So we're in the back laughing. And we're like, oh, look how bad the graphics are up.

man, look at that. What a fucking douche. And this guy turns around with tears in his eyes. He goes, well, you too. I realized this guy probably came here with his dad and watch this every year. And his dad, and he's like trying to enjoy this moment alone. And we're just two idiots. How do you respond to that? I just went, ah,

Sorry, we changed seats. Oh, wow, man. He's like, shut your traps and stop taking the seats. And if you don't, I'm going to take you outside and show you what it's like. And if you don't believe me, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it. Yeah. Dude, you don't realize that when you see a movie, but that's like one of the all-time father-son movies. Totally. Or any family movies. And he was an older guy, too, so, you know.

Probably saw it in the theater with his dad. Who knows? Yeah, that's one of those irresistible. I think that's what Orson Welles has a quote about that. Like, you want to hate that movie, but you can't. You can't hate it. It's a great movie. But when you're on edibles, everything's funny, you know? The kicking of the seat, like on airplanes in movies, I can't be that guy. The most I do is just start huffing and puffing louder. I'm like, how?

Same. And it's never worked. No. It's never worked. Because they think you're weak if that's all you're going to do. Yeah. You're just hitting them with the pass. Maybe I might get to. Yeah. But it's like. Sometimes I'll do this one.

That would just make someone laugh. You combine the two. It's like a seven degree look back. It's like the tip. They might catch the tip, tip, tip of your eye right here. Peripheral. You could also be looking at something else just in case they're going to shoot you. You know what I mean? Right, right. You leave the door open in case you get hit. All right, now I got to peeve on your bathroom peeve. Oh, okay.

Even if I have wild diarrhea and I'm in a gas station and I'm just shitting all over the walls, I'm still on the clock. You're the guy who does that. Yeah. I always wonder how it gets on the walls. I really do. I try to get on the walls. That's like a challenge. No, but how about the guy who won't stop jiggling? Let's say you're in line and you're behind a guy and he's in front of you about to get into the bathroom and he's like,

And he's like confused that the door is an opening. And I'm like thinking my head. Well, it's locked, sir. Yeah, it's not going to open. And then he he waits 30 seconds. He goes, it's locked. And what do you want to happen here? But he's he can't wrap his head around the fact that the doors and doing what he wants it to do. Yeah. And he just keeps shaking it. That drives me crazy.

Yeah, he's terrible with women. Why aren't you fucking me? How about packaging that gets delivered that you can't open? Like there's so much tape and you rip into it and you can't get in the box. Classic, yeah, yeah. It's so frustrating. Ironically, Ellen DeGeneres had a great bit about this back in 88 or whatever.

The scissors you can't get into. It's like you don't have scissors, so you can't get into it. That's why you bought scissors and you can't get into it. But then she goes, light bulbs literally open at both ends.

Like, nothing can happen to scissors. You drop them, they're fine. Right. Light bulb has a thin cardboard pouch that's open at both ends, but it's a fucking light bulb. Right, right. Great point. Yeah. She hates packages. All right. Wait, what do you mean? Penises. Oh, fuck. All right.

There we go. All right. I throw one more at you. I don't know if it's a P. Yeah, please. I don't know if it's a P. Please. But it annoys me. I saw it yesterday and I wrote it down. The motorcycles with the high handlebars. Ah.

When you're behind the guy too and you look straight at him, he's a guy that's going 70 on the expressway. And you kind of could just see his body. Like you just look, he's just like this. You're right behind him. He's literally in this position just going 70 miles an hour. It's like, why would you choose this? It's not comfortable. Right, right. And these guys, some of these guys go cross country like this. Yeah, that's true.

I never thought about that. It's insane that they drive. It's like, why would you want to? And then if you have to swerve, you're like, what are you doing? It's a good point. They annoy me. It annoys me. Yeah, I never thought about that, but that is strange. Now, what about the guy, you know, the bikes in the 80s? Like, we've all seen a bike handle. What's up with the horns? You don't see the horns anymore. The 80s quicksilver horns. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, you mean the...

No, no, not a peep-peep. Like a ram horn.

You know, they go like that. Pull this up, will you? On a bicycle? Yes. Okay. The horn, the handlebars, they flip over. You don't mean like the thing you squeeze. No, no, no, no. I'm talking about handlebars. Okay. They do like a... Oh, you're talking about the... I thought you meant the horn. You said the horn. Well, they look like rambles. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a horn on a handlebar. You hold them here or you hold them here, right? Yeah, I never got... And you don't see them anymore. Like Kevin Bacon and Quicksilver. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yes, that's why I said Quicksilver. Yeah, those actually went out of favor. They went out and they were in for a while. Well, Tour de France though, no? Oh.

Do they do it? They might be the only people keeping that industry alive. They might be. There must be some reason for the flip-ups. You ever watch that Lance 30 for 30? No. Lance Arntz is pretty fucking good. Pull up Quicksilver. Is it post-accusation? Hell yeah. It's all about him being a bad little boy, but they all were bad. They all did drugs. They were all cheating. Burr had a great bit about it.

There they are. What happened to those? Yeah, that's when you mean business. Yes. What did you say? I think everything turned into mountain bikes. The kind of handles like out here. Is it just more comfortable or what? I don't know. But the real deal bike guys had the U. Delivery guys, too. Guys that knew what they were doing. When you needed no wind resistance, that was your only option. I guess so. You'd look like a moron with a regular handlebar.

But not pull up Tour de France, because now we have to see. Yeah, because it's not like people don't need speed today. Yeah. Why did that go away? That was on every bike in 1984. And both had brakes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What do you got there? You have the ones that you can kind of rest on. You rest your elbows on now. What is that? What do you mean? Elbow rest. Yeah. Look at that. These guys are getting soft. I can't see. Sorry. Hold on. No, no. It's okay. Hold on.

Hold on. Elbow. No, everyone's on a bike and a scooter in the city now. None of them have helmets. I sound like a fucking... I know. You're right. They're fucking cruising. They're going so fast on those scooters. Yeah. I never see a helmet. Never. You're asking for a fucking... One mistake. One pebble. It's not even like you mistake. It's one idiot on their phone crossing the street. Right. And now you're dead. Which is on tap here. Yeah. Right? It says...

Every corner can happen to you. And they got headphones in, so that's noise canceling. They're not even listening to horns or anything. Oh, wait. Wait a second. I wrote this down. But you're right. I fell off my moped. I got knocked out. What? Literally knocked out. I never told you about that? Yeah. Construction workers pulled me off of a bike and knocked you out? Yeah. Yeah. They whistled at me first. But no, I hit a bump, back went up, went down.

Skidded on my hands, gloves on, open gloves. You can see palm.

And I woke up to like eight guys carrying me with, you know, construction hats on and everything. And they go, you all right, buddy? And I was like, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. And I was all wonky. No way. Yeah, it was crazy. And then you gathered yourself and drove away. Gathered myself and got back on the bike and drove home like 20 minutes later. I was pretty ganged up. Wow, that's scary being knocked out and coming to. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Did you go for a checkup after that?

I knew the answer. Yeah. But it's weird when you see the women on the corner like, is he okay? Any embarrassment? No, because at that time. Yeah, but when it's so severe, if you would have felt and it wouldn't have been that bad, I think embarrassing is that. But if you get knocked out, it's like, oh, no one's really looking at you like, ha, ha, ha.

Right. No, no, none of that. It's all concern. Yeah. I got doored about two months ago. I told you about that. I was on a city bike trying to make a spot. I was like, I'm going to make it. I have four minutes. I'm two blocks away. Door came open, hit the door, and the door bent backwards. No way. I fucking fell down, and I was on the ground, banged up, and I realized this is my fault. I'm not in a bike lane. So I got up, and I was like, I'm good.

I'm good. And the Uber guy was like, what the fuck, man? You're killing me. You all right? I was like, I'm good. And I rode off. But you broke his fucking car door? I broke the door. Bad. And he didn't want you to stay? No, because he was worried about it. I think he might have been an illegal, who knows what. And he was just like, you get out of here. I'll get out of here. We'll call it square. Okay. Yeah. A really bad deal for him. I know. Yeah, really. I looked back and he was like trying to put the door back. They don't go back once it's overextended. Really? Yeah, he's going to have to make a service call. Well.

I've never seen one go back. If you have, let me know. Call City Bike. It's their fault. I wrote down bike lanes because I... Okay. Safety, you're right. But I think bikers, the bike people, have just... They're just too much of an attitude. Oh, is that the bottle? It's all sugar, for the record. No, no. Damn. True alcoholic. Saw bottles and I gotta get a taste. How much did she consume?

I think she had a lot. Like the full bottle? Are there any shards over there at all? That's sharp. It is sharp. God damn, Winnie. Oh, I didn't think about that. You know, chocolate, obviously, poinsettias, that's what I always hear. They can't eat chocolate poinsettias. But I recently heard grapes, which I never knew. Oh, yeah. Dogs can't eat grapes. I didn't know that. Mushrooms and onions, I believe, as well. Pull it up. Jeez.

Okay. Maybe a little water might help dissolve some of that sugar. All right, Fatso. Oh, the syringe. Everybody's on drugs in this town. It's a real epidemic. Wait, what's happening here now? Water. Okay. That's when you know you're getting old. When you need a syringe to drink water. It says dogs can't eat grapes. Grapes toxicity is linked with kidney damage in dogs. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, you had a really...

Keep your eyes on the dog, then. I don't think you want that, Mark. Oh, God, no. He's got dog spit all over it, Mark. Who cares? He's fucking coming to the construction workers. You probably raped him. You okay, buddy? His sock is lousy with piss. I did have a drill bit in my ass. Last time I was here, you told me you showered every three days and you were in the same underwear for like a week.

I don't really know a lot of people like you. What about the dog? She's a fucking worrisome little creature. Yeah, she looks okay. She's hanging in. All right. That water. That was tough. Sal, did you do your bike lane? Oh, no. I was just saying bike people are a little bit...

Calm down. I mean, I know, but they're always like, you know, they yell at you. There's no like, they just yell at you, bike people. There's no before that. It's zero to 100. They're angry at you immediately. They're mad you're on the road too. Like, I'm a car. You're a bike. Fuck you. Yeah, but they're also- They're like TSA agents. They're the reasons you can deliver food.

You know, that's because it's fucking the foods of your apartment in fucking 10 minutes because of them. Oh, I'm talking about the cyclist. I get it. I get that they're probably putting up with that all day long. Sure. But it drives me nuts, too. I mean, the fucking, the bikes drive me crazy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They almost, I think about how they just don't fucking care. No. There's old people. You could take out an old person. They think. They're killing them. They think that they could just run wild out there. I know. And they run through the red lights. They go the wrong way down Avenue. And then they yell at you. I know. Mike! Mike!

Bike! Bike. On your left. Yeah. Yeah, they're angry. I think they think the world's against them. Like, oh, people are opening car doors. You're walking in front of me. Yeah. So, I mean, I will say when I'm walking in the street and I see a car coming, I don't walk. If I see a bike coming, I'm like, I can make it. Yeah.

Yeah, the cyclists are the worst. They think they own the road. I'll do a game of chicken with the side. Whoa. Fuck these guys. Oh, my God. Literally, I'm walking to the cell the other night. A guy on his bike is doing some shit for TikTok probably, you know, just filming himself. Cuts me off because he's filming himself on his dumb fucking bike. Yeah. I so badly want to push him over. Oh, I hope he's on Instagram live. Can't edit it. Yeah, live stream. He takes a tumble. That's a fucking idiot. Ironically, he gets more views.

Those guys are wild. That's great. I love watching these. Yes. I love a bicycle or a... My favorite fail video is when someone...

first gets on a motorcycle and revs it and they don't know motorcycles and the thing just shoots and it's almost like Pee Wee Herman where he just goes right through the thing. Those are my favorite times. They're always funny. Always. It's always there. They just take off and not expect it and the thing comes out from under them. It's an immediate wobble and an immediate impact on something. I love it.

I can watch those for hours. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's not fun when they crash on the highway. No, no, not that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like someone going through the fence of the yard or something like that. It's also fun to think about, you know, you see a guy do the stand-up surfboard thing or whatever, the wheelie. They have to learn that. At some point, they're in a parking lot alone on a Saturday morning doing that shit and falling over and then doing it again and again. I respect the skater culture and shit. Like, it is like...

It is kind of cool. You're seeing a fully formed hour. But that's like in a park. Right, exactly. But that's like in a park, you know. Yeah. But even then, you're kind of like, man.

They don't have great spatial awareness sometimes. That's true. That's true. And those boards go flying. Yeah. Every person I've ever met that's skated has like nine major injuries, like sutures and pins and stuff like that. It's like, nah. When I was a kid, I was doing a trick. Board went out in the street. Oh, yeah. You do skateboard, right? Oh, for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the car drove by, and it hit the board a certain way, and the board went...

Like a fucking ninja star 20 feet in the air and came down on another car. And it was a lady's car. And she got out and she yelled at me like the Dickens. Wow. That's it? Oh, yeah. I mean, I had no money. What could I do? But she was like, this is the pride. I was like, ah. And all my friends are laughing at me. Good times. But it wasn't even your fault. Well, I mean, I put the board in the street.

It's like the beginning of a porno, though. Oh, I wish. How are you going to pay for this? Yeah, I'll eat you out later. What do we got here? This is a cop confiscating a bike from a renegade motorcyclist, and he's taking the bike away from the kid. Oh, he's fucked. Even better. The setup's even better. He's fucked.

All right. Oh, he went down face first. And he hit another car. That's public property. Right now, he's playing it cool. Right now, he is in the depths of shame and pain. Yes, yes.

That burned your fucking hand There's a whole series of videos like that Called Instant Karma He's like his gun didn't go off While he hit the ground Like the most pathetic death ever Just falls over His head blows off

I do respect him for going for it, but the worst pain to shame ratio is walking into that glass sliding door. Done it. Your face is burning. Your nose is on fire. You're in so much pain, but you got to go, ah!

Oh, what are you? Whoopsie daisy, but you're fucking dying inside. The worst one I ever did, I was on tour. I think it was in Minnesota, and I was coming out of the hotel. I did one going in and coming out. I was walking into the hotel. I had all my packages with me.

And I mean, I mean as flush and as unexpected as it could possibly like where I didn't even know what hit me. Like, you know, when someone sucker punches you and I just got jolted and it hurt and I just was like, it took me like two, three. And I was like, Oh,

And then it was right before the lobby. So when I walked in, I was like, please. But it was so loud. Please. And then as soon as I walked in, there was a group of like seven, eight people, family, girls, guys and everything. They just lost their shit. I didn't look at them. I just like kept my head down and kept looking forward. But they, I mean, they were doing that. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, oh my God, this awful embarrassment. I'm carrying bags and everything. It's actually almost impressive what the body can withstand when you're embarrassed. Because you're in so much pain, but you're embarrassed too. So you're trying to play it off with the bags and everything, but you're dying inside. You have a compound fracture. You're just fucking limping away. I'm good. I'm fucking... I'm all right. I think it's kind of like those... Like in war, you know? You're terrified to go in, but you got all your...

You know team with you and you just have to go into this battle and you know, you're probably gonna die immediately But you're like I can't run away because oh, yeah, they were all on their own a bunch of them bail exactly That's gotta be horrifying. I think about that four times a day. Yeah, just walking in like D-Day I think that's why men like war movies cuz it's like that could have been me. Yeah, who had to go bullets flying

Yeah, those U-boats. You know, before that hatch flops down, they're just like, all right, here we go. And then it's like... It's immediate. Immediate. The guys in the front, they can't think they have a shot. I know, but I think they do. It's like I'm in the front. It's like there's 60 guys behind me. Right? There's...

There's 800 people aiming at me right now. I know. Like, what am I going to do? I'm going to deke? I'm going to do, you know, what am I going to do? They didn't even make it to the sand. By the way, this is how you know we wouldn't be good. Do I deke? Do I deke? I'm saying this could have been us. If it was us three, we're fucking losing the fight. Oh, yeah. On three, juke. It's like the first 30 guys are done. Until there needs to be a reload. Yeah, yeah. You know? And then the guy in the back's alone.

at the end of that. He's got no one behind him. Yeah. To no-win situation, those U-boats. No-win. You watch those old docs, like those Napoleon wars. It's like 600,000 people dying in a war, and you're just like, how the fuck? I know. And you just have to go. You have to go. Oh, we have to go. What about the Braveheart fights? Not even the U-boat. Oh, that's scary. It's just like 2,000 people running at each other at the same exact time. With swords and bow and arrows and horses. It's bananas. What? What?

I know, and people just did that. At that point, what are you fighting for? You're walking into certain death. And also, there's no formation. It's just like anyone from any angle. But here's the craziest part. Some people did that and survived and did multiple. They'd show some fucking guy with a curvy sword and a mullet and they were like, he's been to 18 wars and he was in the lead and he got his head cut off and he put it back on. Here he is to talk about it. All his friends are dead, though. Yeah, true. But

That happened. Imagine being in a field. Let's call it 2,000 people in the field. Every single person is in a sword fight. Yeah. Every person. You look left. You look right. You're watching your friends get sliced, stabbed. I mean, everywhere you look. And it's not going to end until there's like a guy left. I know.

It's like you could be faring well for a half hour and there's still three hours left. It's like dances with wolves. There's still another three hours in there that you have to avoid getting stabbed in the back. And even if you're getting the best of 12 guys, hey, I beat that guy, I beat that guy, oh, I got stabbed. That guy was behind me. I had no idea. And then you don't get the credit for the 12 kills. Oh, yeah.

nothing, but they all believed in heaven. In heaven, I'll get my due. Just dead on the dirt. Oh my God. Then the one guy who stood in the corner didn't say anything. He didn't throw a sword and didn't do anything, and then he comes back as a hero because he survived. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy who killed 50 people before he died, nobody knows about him. He played it smart. Yeah. What about the guy in D-Day who just laid under dead bodies for like three days and just didn't move? He's a genius. That's the move. That is the move. I just realized that the guy who's shooting all these American GIs, he's a war hero just for the wrong side.

This guy. Oh, right. He's a war hero. The guy that took out the U-boat has a bronze statue of him. Of course, yeah. He's the king.

It's insane. You're right. You want to be a sniper. If I'm going to war, I'm being sniper all day. I'm up in a perch. Yeah. You can't lose unless they throw a grenade at you. It's like right field. They're less of a person to you, I feel like. You're just in a thing. Yes. Hand to hand, you're just looking in their eyes. Yeah. Sniper. It's like a roach. You just do that. That's a number.

Or with the bayonets, you can get badly injured and still have to fight through. You could be like, all right, it's due time now. And I still have to kill as many people as I can while blood is shooting out of me. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. The plate dead, it might work with people, but I don't think it's going to work with a bear.

A bear? Yeah. No. They say play dead. It's a risk for sure. I mean, I know you're not going to run, but I don't think the alternative of laying there and letting them walk up to you and start sniffing around and then have their way with you either is that great. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think you... I mean, is he going to catch you if you run? Yeah. Could you...

do what I did when my mom was chasing me with the belt. I would go around the kitchen table and once I was on the opposite side of her, it was really tough for her to get me. So you find a big oak, right? And then maybe you try, but like laying there, when that thing comes and sniffs at you, like I was in front of grizzlies because they put me in a cage and they put...

fried chicken all over me and made grizzlies come eat it. What? Yeah. So the cage was like, we might have even talked, I don't know if we talked about it, we might have. I don't think so. I think we have, but the cage was only like this much away. And it's just an insane thing to see them there. And then at one time they had a fisticuffs.

And they were like and they grew like from the from the bow depths of their fucking bowels They growled and was swiping their hands at each other and then when those things swing and then they take it like you know It just is it immediately makes you just empty your bowels. Yeah, of course I'd still rather come across a bear in the woods than a man. Yeah. Oh my god It doesn't look as bad as it felt kind of small but my

No, they're not. I don't think they're that small. They were pretty big. Let's take it all back. Fried chickens. What are they, black bears? It was right there. It was right there. Oh, my God, dude. We're going to need you to stick some chicken in the cage. Yep.

Oh, so. Oh, my God. I feel like Joker's is kind of safe. We've never seen that safe. There's only like 20% of things like this where it would be a jackass thing, but we make it through our life. Because I don't really, we don't can't do, I don't want to, you know. Yeah, you don't want to do that. Yeah, but no, they would be there with a bear. Right. It's insane. Totally. Yeah.

Yeah, they at one point they start they start fighting and it was oh my god their breath is a new smell Really imagine smelling a new smell. It was a new smell. I was like oh my god. It's awful It's like bear intestine. Oh, you know like whatever the hell it is and they and when they breathe It's like I mean a Dyson at full blast. It's really kind of wind tunnel coming out of there They took the bears away, and then they Nobody had to get them away

Oh, they weren't bears in nature. We were at like a bear hangout. Yeah, yeah, a gay bar. Yeah.

That's great. These are good friends here. That's fun. Jesus Christ. But yeah, I'm not laying down with a bear, I don't think. You guys ever gotten into a big fight before you? Because I feel like if you have this outlet to fuck with each other, you don't really need to fight about stuff. I mean, not in a long time, but over the years, yeah. Okay. Every once in a while. I don't think it's for opposing views or anything. Right, right. But two of us might have a fight or, you know, like that. So I think everyone's probably had a...

Fight with everybody. Yeah, we'll be around each other that much. It doesn't last long. Sure. Over like, I mean, I've known them 35 years, but with the show now is 13 years. Mm-hmm.

We actually just signed. We didn't announce it yet, but we just signed for 11 and 12. Whoa. You're old? 11. I was on the ride. Season 11 starts July 11th. I've been filming it for the last five months. Holy moly. You guys are going to be doing this in old age. I don't think I'm going to. All right. How many more years? I should say I am. Look at me. I got craze. I got this. What's that? How many more years of this do you think you got in you?

I think that's it for me, I think. I mean, we always said if we were having fun, we would keep it up. But it's just, it's so, it takes up so much of my life. Sure. Because we, you know, like we do everything from soup to nuts. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like, it consumes you. So when I'm in a, you know, I redo, we reduced from 26, we did 26 episodes a season plus five specials. So 31 episodes a season. Yeah.

For eight seasons. Holy. And then we literally negotiated to do only 18 instead. Oh, wow. That's hilarious. And then I negotiated mandatory six months down after because we used to go a month, two months off. That's it. And right back in. Wow. So I'd be doing it 10 months a year.

year. So this one will be done shooting in August. Then I get six months down and then we'll shoot the other one for about six, seven months. I think that's going to be... Unless they make me an offer that is hard to turn down, but they're not going to because this season... The TV industry is wiped. This season they cut our budget, they cut our pay, all that stuff. Oh, shit. Yeah. So it was like...

It was like either that or nothing. And it was a hard choice, but we did it. But we've been having a blast. Yeah, yeah. I always say your deathbed is going to be the best montage. You know, like look what you've done. Look how many times you've lived. You're a bear cage. You're talking to Tony Hawk. You're on a boat jeep with Steve Austin. I mean, you've got the best montage. A lot of the stuff I see and I forgot. Isn't that crazy? Because it's that concentrated now. Yeah. It's 300 episodes. Maybe you're talking like

it's a 1300 bit, you know, whatever it is. And it's like at the beginning of our live show, we saw a montage clip and they, they, when they cut that together, we, every night I look at the montage clip because it's like,

200 things in like a minute, and I'm just like I can't believe that was you yeah Just like jumping off clip. It's just all this stuff And it's just like I can't and you forget that like it goes so fast time I know then you look at you like wow we scrammed all that in yeah, you've done a lot everywhere I would I've a Impractical Jokers reference in my set right now well I say Hitler's kind of carrying the history channel. He's like they're impractical jokers. Oh

That's great. Does it hit? It hits. It does? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. You saved a network, your show. I mean, that's pretty huge. Yeah, I mean, they weren't doing comedy and they switched up to comedy. But yeah, I mean, you said it. I didn't say it. Well, I've told this story a million times and you're going to kick me in the balls if I tell it a third. But I'll tell it one more time and then I'll leave it alone.

I did the Cargo Cafe. What's his face at a show there every... J.F. Harris. Yeah, every Tuesday. And I was getting so little stage time, I would take the boat to Staten Island, do the Cargo Cafe. It always had a crowd. And you were the bartender at this random bar in the middle of Staten Island. That's where we met, I think, right? Yeah. And you were...

wiping the bar like out of a movie and I was shit-faced because it was free beer for comics so I was putting them back. And dinner. And dinner. I was poor and you go, hey, that was a good set. I go, hey, thanks man, thanks. Can I get another beer? Yeah, sure. Hey, you know, I'm working on a little thing with a couple guys. I go, oh, what are you working on? You're like, well, it's like we have an improv troupe but we're going to do sketches and I was like,

Good luck. Yeah, have fun with that stuff. Your little band there. And what do you call it? Yeah, that's not going anywhere. Keep the beer coming, whatever. And then here we are. Yeah, man. Yeah. That's how I met every comic. Yeah. We started doing that in 2008, I think.

So every comic that we know came through the bar. Totally. There were Ali Wong there killing. Everybody was there. Giannis would come by. It was... We had... I mean, we literally had... We had Soder and Che and we had Kamel. I mean, everybody was there. We had Hannibal. We had every single person come through there. All of our friends, you know, like...

It was great. It was like, you know, and that's why actually when the show did get on and everybody knew me, I like, it was so cool that a lot of the comics, it was like, they liked, they would, comics would come to me. I love, I really liked the show. I really liked the show. There was such support from the comics, you know? Totally. So that was like, that was really, really great. And so, yeah, but it was, it was, I loved that night. That was a great night. Cause a lot of people would come and make it the night. Yes. So we would hang out all night, you know, like we'd hang out all night till the late hours. I was like, I was hanging, it was like a,

A cellar hang. Yeah. You know, every week. Every week, yeah. But the sad thing is I would go back and have to go to work at like 9 in the morning the next day, but I never remembered going back. I'm talking a ride to the ferry, the ferry ride, and then getting home from the ferry to Brooklyn. I don't remember any of it every time. Wow. That ferry ride back was always a fucking blur.

There was a bar on the ferry, too. Yeah, you get beer on the ferry, yeah. I used to drive comics if I could. People that stayed till the end and I locked up and closed the gates, I would drive them to the ferry, you know. But we appreciate you guys making the trek out there, you know. You're like one of the big Staten Island, if people think of Staten Island, it's like you and Pete. And Jost. And Jost.

I mean, the Jokers and Wu-Tang. Yeah, it's kind of wild. Sorry. Are you part bear? Is that what you're getting there? Yeah, it is the weirdest thing in the world to be a representative of it. Oh, yeah. That's great. I think Andrew Dice Clay might be Staten Island.

Not that I know. Maybe it's Long Island. He might have been born in Brooklyn, raised in Staten Island. Give it a go. Yeah. Are you guys working on any bits? Uh-oh. I got one that I just cracked it. Oh. I'm pumped about this. I might have run it on here. I'll tell the cracked version of it. It's finally kind of working, but I say...

It's the one about where I went to the pharmacist and the guy had a face tattoo. And I was like, I don't mean to be a dick, but how the fuck did you get hired? Yes. I'm going to count my pills when I get home. I don't trust this shit. There's a certain way you want people to look. If you're at the gun range, you don't want the safety expert to be a teen with a bowl cut. Right, right. That hit. I was like, it needs more. So I went back to the drawing board and I was kind of like, it's like when you found out Cuomo had pierced nipples. Oh.

I think everyone was like, no, you're too important to have a... That's great. You're too important to have pierced nipples. That's too important a job. And I'm like, you know, ladies, if your gynecologist had a ponytail...

that's right that's good you know like is he a good doctor yes he does say nice while he's down there but that's great yeah i think i think i got that one going now well the cuomo piece of the puzzle is huge that's big yeah that's new jokes last night oh that's great that's great hell yeah some of those people new jokes not doing new jokes i know yeah i know they go in there and just go in there and kill yeah it's like what

I have one I just revived because I'm doing the new hour. So I look back on things that I thought were half-baked that I didn't just let go. And I always felt there was more to this. I'm just not really sure where I want to go. But it's about the death penalty. So I say...

I have thoughts about the death penalty coming from me also that they don't expect me to say, you know, and I'm like, they're not even controversial. It's not like, do we have the right to take a life? It's more about the last meal. So I say like, we would agree that on paper, this is a murder.

why are we catering it? Oh, catering is great. And then the caveat that we get to anything they want. Yeah. Why is there that caveat? It makes us seem like we're the guilty ones. Like, we're about to put you down in front of these people for what you did. But we're great guys. So if you want a bite to nosh, anything you want. When I was little, I'm like, anything they want. I was like, when I was little, my mom used to be like, you're going to act like that at the dinner table. You're going to act like that. Go upstairs.

And I was like, and I didn't get dinner for light horseplay. Right. This guy mows down a half a dozen at a Santander bank. We owe him pumpkin ravioli? Pumpkin ravioli is perfect. But that's all it is. It's also funny, too, that your last line in life could be like, I said fries, welcome. Right.

Oh, yeah. Like, goodbye to them. Their last words could be the order. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. It's also funny, too, that is there anything more American than like, I'm about to die. All right, we feel bad. We'll give you fried chicken. Yeah. You know, we have to be, our way of being like, sorry, this is going to happen to you is food. Right. We're so fat. That's how important food is to Americans. That's what I'm saying. You could do the worst thing possible. You still get one for the road.

Exactly. Now I feel guilty taking that. That's great. You guys still do like writing sessions together? We do it on here. Oh, you do it on here. We got to do it more often. Yeah. Especially now. Yeah. Because we're going to get together a couple of times. I never got to do it, but I would love to. If you guys do one like off, you know, offline or whatever. That was the original concept of the show and then turned into a drinking show. Yeah. Originally it was just, you know, us bouncing bits. Yeah. That's...

It's so great. I don't do it with anybody, you know? Save for like coming off stage and someone will be like, I got a tag. I never sit with anybody. And it's so helpful. It's so helpful. It just gets your... Everything gets opened up and you get a lot from it. Like, that's great. I mean, I was like... That's a joke that I was like, there's got to be more. And right there, it's like, you know. Even when I'm texting you the joke, sometimes I'll think of things as like it's coming out in type, you know? But when you say it, you're like, fuck, I wouldn't speak... Why did I write it this way? I don't speak this way. Yes, yes. You just have to say it to your friends. Like, no, I talk...

this is how I talk. Right. Right. Right. Like when you're a young comic and your stuff is too written, because that was a problem for me at least. Cause I would just, you know, I'd write more than I get on stage at that point. Right. Every young comic does, you know, but yeah. All right. How's this for a, maybe you could help me with this one. It needs like an ending. Um,

So I was harking back to one of the first girls I ever hooked up with. The second girl I ever hooked up with, I was actually more experienced than her. And she goes, I've never done this before. I want you to teach me everything. And I was like, all right, first things first, women never orgasm. Secondly, two minutes is normal. And then third, if I cry, don't tell anybody or something like that. I need a third, I feel like, to really...

Turn it. Twist it. If I wet the bed afterwards, that just means you were really good? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's true. I was a bed wetter. Yeah. So the first two, it's... Those are hitting. They don't... Women never orgasm. Two minutes is normal. Or it could be anything. I'm just throwing out embarrassing things. Because I think...

It's already kind of a creepy moment, so I'm making me the loser. Anything other than missionaries against God, something like that? Something about missionary? I would want to do other things. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Right, right, sure, sure, sure, sure. You know, I thought, like, I tried, and we never talk again, but I think women got weird, like, oh, you're not going to call her? Yeah, it's such a delicate balance with those. Right, right, right.

I mean... I know, I'm putting you on the spot here. But yeah, it's hitting already. Something about anal. Ooh. And the vag and the anal, the S are interchangeable. Something, something. You know what I mean? Yeah, if you were to get pregnant. Yeah. Let's go in the back door. Something, yeah. Something there. Yeah. Anal's interesting.

Maybe I want to strap on. Oh, maybe that's a twist. And, you know, anal is on the table for me. Put it in my ass. Anal is perfectly normal for the first time. Yeah, for me, that's funny. Yeah, that's a twist. That's a twist and a half. But that might be too much to explain. Right, right. Yeah. But the first two are about your inadequacies, right? Yes. You want the third one to be on top of that? Well, the third one should just be some...

more extreme heightened laugh, I think. Rule of threes here. Which hits harder, the first or the second? The orgasm kills. It hurts. It hurts. It's teach me everything and I go, all right, first things first, you should know women never orgasm. Maybe that should be the third. Oh,

Maybe you do, what was the second one? Two Minutes is Normal. Two Minutes is Normal. That does pretty well, right? Yeah, that's a nice little placeholder. And then maybe you do one more, and I think the third, and Women Never Work. I think that's the third. Maybe, maybe. Interesting. I'm trying to think what the second could be. I'm kind of digging this anal switcheroo, too. Give the anal one a try. Yeah, that could be a tag. Uh...

You could say something like... Maybe condoms or... Yeah, I was going to say, I say something like, and we'll do anal, but I insist on a condom. You know, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, something, I don't know. Yeah, all right. All right, I'll play. This is helpful. Orgasm third, I'll try tonight. Okay. Whatever goes up your ass has to go up mine. Ha ha ha.

That's funny. That's a funny rule. Even Stevens. Even Stevens. He's like, well, I have a gerbil.

What do you think about the gerbil? Is that real? With gear? I don't see how it could be. No, I don't think. Oh, I thought you just meant in general. No, with the Richard Gere. I'm sure someone's tried it. Oh, yeah. But like, God, it's fucking, I love that he's already typing on this. How does that get out? It's Scientology. If he did do it. I think he crawls out. No, I'm kidding. He was a member of Scientology, got out, and then this rumor. Oh, they smeared him. They pap smeared him. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, he got out. What?

That's horrifying. He's like the Tim Robbins gif in Sharshanq. He was Scientology. Yeah. He lived to tell the tale. Richard Gere was? He told me that. Just now in front of you. I missed it.

Yeah, so that's so funny, though, that the congregation got together at a board meeting. It's like, what are we doing here? He's like, gerbil in the ass. Yeah, that could be a great sketch. How can we get him? How can we get him? One guy's like, well, say he's gay. Not enough. Too easy. Well, we say, fuck kids. Been done. He put a PVC piping into his asshole and then put a rodent into it.

I think there's something here. Let's follow this. Maybe there was a gerbil cage in the room and one guy was like, that's it. And he tells it with pride to this day. He's like, let me tell you about my light bulb moment. This is when I became CEO of Scientology. This is when I got my extra star on the lapel. I got a corner office and you know.

All right, well. Yeah, where are you going to be coming up? You got a big tour coming up. Absolutely, yeah. So the tour is on sale right now. It's called Everything's Fine Tour. Right now there's 28 cities up. It's the first leg of the tour. I'm going everywhere. I don't know if it's futile to start naming all the cities, but you know.

Go to the website. Orlando, Atlanta. All right. So actually, no. So the last leg of the Joker's tour is now through August. We're going to be in Orlando, Atlanta, Mobile, Alabama, Pennsylvania, Maine, and Maryland. All that shit. July 13th, two at Atlantic City. And you got some 4PMers, I see, and some 6PMers. That's the beauty of being clean. Yeah, the Sundays, because I get to get home on that red eye. Oh, Sunday.

smart i didn't i didn't like him at first they gave me i was like what is this yeah and then and then i was like oh there's an 830 flight i was like more from everything you know yeah i'm gonna start doing yeah yeah so but yeah so my tour right now it's a full hour of new material you know and uh yeah so it's up right now and then the terrified you know is on uh youtube check out 800 pound gorillas uh channel boy that's a get for them i've seen some of the people that

put on there and it ain't impractical you know my no press network has the subscribers but it's it's algorithms to podcasting so there's a big discussion about like you know it's about farting yes it's a two-parter all right if you don't care for the conversation just let me know sorry I couldn't hold it yeah this algorithm is stand-up based and they're good partners so yeah so it's out there right now

All right. Check it out. Come see this new hour. Terrifying. I cannot wait. When is this out? Oh, well, sorry. Then we were in Mobile, Alabama tonight. That's a cool thing to say. What's up? That's a cool theater in Mobile. Mobile's like a mini New Orleans. Yeah. Have you ever been? Yeah. Yeah. So it's a fun little street. I don't think I've been. Oh, yeah. There's not much to it, but that street that the theater's on is like the strip. Yeah. Yeah. So you'll have fun.

Yeah, well, I hope to see everybody out there. Oh, yeah. So I got, yeah, Rochester, New York, Comedy at the Carlson. That's a fun club. We got...

Some fucking casino with Chrissy D and Neemesh. We're doing it together. It'll be fun. They still got the Mechanical Bull at the Carlson? The one in Rochester? I don't know. I haven't been there forever. I don't know. At the bar next door or whatever? Oh, no. That's over. Okay. Yeah, I know that place. And then I got just a bunch of dates coming up. Miami Improv. Another casino there in Minneapolis, it appears. Baltimore area. Yeah.

Then I'm going all over another casino there. I don't know where that is. Niagara Falls. Oh, Niagara Falls. Ontario, other side. Love it. And then we got, yeah, all over Europe coming up. London, Belfast, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, and Stockholm. Samorelle.com slash shows or punchup.live slash Samorelle. Follow us both on punchup.live. Yes, punchup is big. Punchup.live slash Mark Normand and...

What do you got, Mark? Here you go. Hey, hey. We're going to be in, well, this is missing some dates. I got a, Danny's got an update. Oh, wait. There they go. Oh, there we go. Never mind, Danny. You're killing it. Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Pensacola, Florida, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Rock

Come on!

Get on the website. Get some Bodega Cat. Bodegacatwhiskey.com and Legal New York right now, motherfuckers. We're coming for you. We're coming for those bars, those liquor stores. Hit us up. We'll have an email shortly. What was it again? We had an email. Urban Outfitters? No. No. We're behind. We'll figure it out. We're bad businessmen. Yes. But it's good whiskey, and we might have some other sherry port slash whiskeys coming. Ooh.

Stay tuned. And the Comedy Store texted me. They want in. I love it. In L.A.? Hopefully the improv and the laugh factory you guys would like in, too, in L.A. I feel bad I didn't say dates now. Can I say a few dates real quick? Yeah. Do you mind? Okay, here we go. Ready? Greensville, South Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Torrington, Connecticut, Burlington, Portland, Red Bank, Huntington, San Antonio, Phoenix, Tucson, Indianapolis, Evansville, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Des Moines, Jacksonville, Tampa, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Denver, Seattle, Spokane, Fort Wayne, Columbus, and Cleveland.

Ah, my eye. All right. Thank you, folks. We'll see you in hell.