Ep 181: Campari Soda
01:17:09 Share

We're back. Hey, we're here. Cleavage season. Oh, the sun is shining. It's 80 degrees in New York. I can't believe it. I live by Washington Square Park. So do you. The whole park is full. And it's crazy because you see the young kids on their phone. They're missing tits.

They're staring at that screen. They're missing cleavage. I'm like, this is what the summer's all about. That's a great... You hear that, Jonathan Haidt? He's the whole, like, anti-phone guy. It's all about the tits. I don't even know what that is. But the problem is there's tits on the phone. Yeah. So I guess you got them there. Yeah, but it's better in person. It's way better. It's like live. Pearl Jam Live versus a CD. Yeah. Double D. Dude, there were some tits on the phone.

on the subway and you get a little shoulder sweat there. You're like, ooh, hanging out. I know the thigh. I love a thigh. You know, this shit with the whole wah. Oh, very exciting. Man, you know what happened the other day? I play ball with my friend Dory sometimes. We just do one-on-ones in the park for exercise, but it gets heated because I'm taller than him. Sure. So if I'm down, I can just post him up. Uh-huh. He tries to trip me on a post-up. Mm.

And I'm like, dude, I could get fucking badly hurt. Like he blatantly tries to trip me and I lose my temper. I spike the ball. It goes right into his nuts. Oh. And he goes down and an old black man just sitting watching on the bench and he goes, that's street ball right there. Yeah.

It was so satisfying. Oh, that's great. Wow. Was he like, oh. He was really pissed at me. It took a while. I did feel bad after like, at first I was like, fuck yeah, justified. And then you're like, I feel bad. I hit him in the nuts. Yeah. Well, that's what happens with friends. It gets escalated. And it's all good the second we leave. Yeah, of course. I remember one time me and a friend were fake wrestling and then he pushed me. So I jump kicked him and he was like, whoa.

And then he saw red. Yeah. Then he, you know, he came at me and we were like, we were going to kill each other. But, you know. Speaking of red, man, a little Campari soda today. Oh, yeah. These are nice little, like, we're just trying to chill drink. Chill. Not trying to get fucked up. You're just trying to, like, have a nice. It's like an old. I feel like this is what Junior Soprano drank. Yes. Yes. This is light and airy. Yeah. Effervescent.

Campari is, I think, my favorite mixer. You throw that in a Boulevardier or a Negroni or something, it's fucking nice. That's different than Aperol. It's in the same family. Okay. Well, that family tree has a car wrapped around it. That's an old Mike Lawrence joke. He used it in our pitch. Great joke. Well, I come from a long line of alcoholics. That's a great fucking bit. Yeah. He also had a great line with the execs where he said, we got some great notes in our Uber ride here because the driver used to be an exec. Ha ha ha.

I was like, it's a great line. It might be pissing some of these people off. That's a great L.A. line, though. Yeah. Like, that could be in Swingers. Yeah. Speaking of swinging and drinking and celebrating, we got to give a thank you with a shout-out from old Big Jer. Jer, thank you, man. Seinfeld. Very cool. Super cool. This is what my family hears. Yes. So the New Yorker podcast. So this is cool. Yeah. I mean, kind of ruined it with Brian Simpson. Ronnie Chang, I love. Hmm.

Brian Simpson, really funny. Mark Norman, really funny.

Sam Marle, really funny. Do you ever go to clubs? Yeah. All to blame themselves. Who are the young ones? That's very nice, man. The best. Jerry, we'd love to have you on, man. Talk comedy. More eyeballs than some of those late night shows you go on if you come on here because we got comedy nerds listening. Yes, way more than The Tonight Show or any of that fucking horse shit New Yorker. Nobody listens to that. That being said, Jimmy Fallon, you're also welcome to come on.

Not a great pitch there for Fallon. But Fallon, he'll throw drinks down. That's true. And he's a fun hang. He's an animal. And he's got stories for days. Yeah, yeah. He started at the bottom with the guitar and everything. Worked his way up, SNL. So yeah, we'll have them all on. Started as a bottom, now he's here. So we got...

We got a big invite for Big Jer. We love you, Jerry. Yes. And who can talk comedy better than us on a podcast? We can go deep. We can go fucking Richard Jenney. We can go Kinison. We can go Pryor, Eddie Murphy. Look at this wall here. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. We need Big Jer. That would be a cool one. You know what's funny? A lot of people are giving him... He's getting, like, dragged on social media, I feel like. I saw that. By people being like, you know, oh, the most vanilla comedian. Seinfeld was fucking edgy. He had bite. Dude, they did a show about masturbation on NBC...

in the 90s. That wouldn't fly today. That's the only point he's making. He's like, it was easier then. I don't know how he's getting dragged for saying, no, I had it easier. Right. That's literally what he's saying. They don't make sitcoms anymore is what he's saying. I know. Then the guy pushed back and was like, what about Curb? Curb's pretty edgy. Grandfathered in. Grandfathered in.

A 30-year-old guy trying to pitch a show could not do Curb. Yeah, he was... Let's see. Yeah, he wrote, isn't that what Curb is all about? Oh, which one is first? Oh, yeah. Larry got grandfathered in. Right, right. If Larry was 35, he couldn't get away with the watermelon stuff, the Palestinian chicken, and HBO knew that's what people came here for. They're not smart enough to figure it out. How do we do this now? Yeah, you pitch that shit. Imagine you going on HBO with a watermelon black joke, a

That joke about the Holocaust shoes. He put the shoes on and danced in them. We did a lot of Holocaust jokes in our pitch, and it does not look good. See, there you go. We had a joke about me knocking up a neo-Nazi by accident. I know she's a neo-Nazi. We hook up at a wedding, and a great line that Mike Lawrence comes up with was...

I'm begging her to take Plan B. It turns out she's a pro-life neo-Nazi. And I go, oh, come on. You got one chance to kill a Jew, get free. You're not going to take it? Great joke. But I'm sure that the back of their next hair stand up and go, oh, and you're like, come on, it's coming. 100%. Because there are jokes you even notice in LA that you do at a club and you're like,

They're like, ooh. And you're like, well, this kills in Ohio. Yes. This kills in Wisconsin. Yes. This kills in Texas and Florida and New York. There is something about those crowds. So then he says, the interviewer, David Remnick, isn't that what Curb's all about? Yeah, Larry was grandfathered in, says Jerry. He's old enough. So he goes, I don't have to observe those rules because I started before you made those rules. We did an episode in the series in the 90s where Kramer decides to have a business with homeless people or pulling rickshaws. Yeah.

And he goes, they're outside anyway. Do you think I get away with that today? I mean, it's interesting, you know. Great point. And that's so you can tell he's thought about this. So he had that ready, had that exact episode ready. And look, everybody does the, oh, comics say they can't talk about anything. And I'm not saying, I say crazy shit. We're doing theaters. We're doing fine. We're on Netflix. We're doing great. I say wild shit, all the stuff you're not supposed to say. Stand-up's different.

That's true. Which is funny because we're playing us. That's true. This would be a character. But yeah, there's no one to yell at. We have no sponsorships or Gatorade or corporation. But it doesn't go that way in films, I feel like. I feel like films can, like horror movies, you could still slice a teenager's head off. They know it's a movie. They know it's a fake head. It's also a very clear villain.

That nuance is the enemy. That's true. Nuance is what people have a problem with. If you like, I think about this scene all the time and as good as it gets with Jack Nicholson says a bunch of anti-Semitic stuff in the beginning. And if that were made now, that would be the whole movie. That's a great point. Like you can't have a character who's got like some maybe shitty tendencies. Yeah. Yeah. He's not a perfect guy.

Yes. I find that interesting. Well, it's like Popeye Doyle. You know, Popeye Doyle, French Connection. The guy's a racist. He's a womanizer. He's a piece of shit. Corrupt cop. Corrupt cop. And it's great.

It's a great story. That's one of the great New York movies ever. Incredible. That car chase scene holds the fuck up. Big wreck. French Connection, 1972. Roy Scheider. All the tropes came from there. Like the chief, like, you're going to ruin this town. You want your gun and badge for dinner? You know, that whole thing. That's all from there. They got all the tropes they started in that movie. That's a classic. And that chase scene is like...

It must be 10 minutes or something. Oh, yeah. It's completely insane. Under that overpass, under the L. How about these fucking paparazzi, annoying 90-something-year-old Gene Hackman? Have you seen this shit? Yeah, he looks brutal. But he's in his 90s. Let the guy die, you know? Let the guy go to hell. He's going to, like, the gas station. Who's on that detail? That's the saddest. You're the traffic cop of paparazzi. Right.

The parking maid. The worst. The meter maid. Ugh. What do we got? Kim Kardashian, George Clooney. Nah, I got an old bag Hackman there. He's at the 7-Eleven getting a cup of noodles. God bless him, though. I mean, he really was the coolest. The.

But back to my point, I'm not one of these guys who's like, you can't say anything more. But I am saying that people analyze. There's an analyzing in New York. We can say anything. We're actually not saying it about us. We're talking about it in sitcom form. Yes. Because those words have to be greenlit by an exec. Where guys like us, yeah, stand up. Our crowd wants us to say crazy shit.

Of course, but like Friends got under fire. Remember that? Friends is problematic now because Ross made a fat joke and whatever. I didn't know that. Yeah, Friends got it hard for a couple years during the pandemic. It was like Friends is bad. How bored were people that they were like, guys, we got to cancel Friends. Exactly. So he's 100% right, but everybody's like, boomer, take, whatever, and you're like...

But the guy knows TV more than you and to his point where he goes, there's no All in the Family anymore. Like, I got to know a friend about this. He's like, there's Louder Milk. There's this show. I'm like, eight people are watching Louder Milk. Six people are watching this. There's nothing we could all go home and watch. Well, that's just because the format changed. I mean, now I think it's like maybe like you were talking about Baby Reindeer. It's like some show on Netflix that's like trending. But yeah, sitcoms, it's different. I mean –

I feel like all the shows we watch, I think the point Jerry's making is like, if you watch a 30 Rock episode from like 2008. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Wild. This is on NBC. All that shit. Yeah. I mean, they went hard with jokes, but like.

It never felt malicious. It was silly and funny as hell. It just felt like comedy. And then we'd all go back and it was water cooler shit. You go back and you see 30 Rock, you see Raymond or whatever. You see Arrested Development. But do you think there's any coincidence that these are the shows that kids are now discovering is like the best shows? Like, holy shit.

Dirty Rock, Seinfeld. The Office was crazy. The Office. They had some dark shit. Retard and the Chris Rock scene. I mean, there's some crazy stuff in The Office. And we all watch it. My wife watches it to sleep. Like, that's how little it affects her, offended-wise. She's like, this is a nice lullaby. It's tough to make. I think, also, there's just less. It's funny, there's like 900...

to make shit and they're all just kind of like, nah, we're not going to make that type of thing. I know, I know. The weird thing is if one network had the balls to pick up your show, it would do great just because it stands out. Yeah. But they're so nervous. There's always a chance that we just do it ourselves. That seems to be the way to do it. That's the move nowadays and that's what they've created. We'll see. They're fucking it up for themselves.

Yeah, you never know. Ironically, yeah. They're like, oh, we're a little nervous to put that out. All right, I'll make it myself. Huge hit. Damn, we should have put that out. That's what Shane did. There you go. I think, you know, and that's what we did with stand-up specials, and it's like, holy shit. Yes. Streamers are basically YouTube now.

It's like, okay, you're not going to invest in the show. We're shooting it out of our own pocket and then you just upload it? Yes. That's the creative risk you're going to take? Exactly. Oh, it's successful? The numbers are up? We'll buy it. Yeah. Take a risk, you pussies. It's funny. We had to get to clubs. Oh, shit, I got to sell at clubs. And you get to theaters and you're like, okay, well, now I can sell a show. Yeah. And I didn't want to sell a show because financially we take a hit if we take a show. It's because I love sitcoms. I grew up loving sitcoms.

like really well-written shows like peep show or like, uh, like really funny writing. Yes. So these two. Yeah. But, and it's also just good. I think good for your brain to like, like I'll always be doing standup as much as possible, but I want to do other shit too. I just, I think it's just good to explore, you know? Yeah. Yeah. No, a hundred percent. Wait, I just got it. The industry is a hot lady. Now I didn't get laid in high school.

And that was the end. The industry is the hot lady. They wouldn't touch me. You go become a comic, you go become successful. And the hot lady's all of a sudden like, I'll fuck you now. And you're like, I'm the same guy. You coos that I was in eighth grade, but you didn't want to touch me then. That's the same with the industry. They're like, Hey,

No, thank you nerd. Well, some people in the industry would have touched you as a child. That's true. Nickelodeon, where we at? I could have used you. I needed the self-esteem boost. But yeah, so then you go put a special on YouTube. It gets a zillion views. You did it. Same, same. We do a bunch of shit and then now all of a sudden Shane gets a Netflix tire show. So you're like, you got to prove it. They're a hot lady who's scared to take a risk. In a way, it's good.

It's a way... It's good that it never stops being a fucking pain in the ass. It lit a fire under our ass. You can never...

Get lazy, man. That's true. You get lazy, you're fucking out. It's amazing how quick this could go away. Oh, I think about that every day. I mean, this is like shit I think about all the time. I think about what Jim Jefferies said when we're opening for McCaroline's in like 2011. I remember. And all these sold out shows. First time he sold it all out. And it was like he was about to move up to theaters. And he just looked at it, lit a cigarette and goes, I'll see this place on the way back down. Yeah.

I think about it all the time. I think about it, too. I remember not to...

get dark but i saw dana gould's name on a on a shitty club and i remember like dana gould he's the man he's like the simpsons and hbo specials and all this but he got a divorce and he had to come back out and now he's good again he's selling shows but i remember being like one of the funniest dudes ever one of the funniest guys who i looked up to so then you're like oh shit this is this is reality setting in he's his stand-up still fucking phenomenal amazing i've made clips we share his clips yeah i love him

Yeah, I tried to make a show with him years ago. He's the best. One of the coolest guys. Great guy. That is what I did. Oh, that's pretty crazy. Yeah, man. But yeah, so he's got a point. But I don't know why this... Why do you think this triggers people so much? This exact argument. I think it triggers them because he's so fucking rich. And it's just people that already don't like him. So they're like, fuck him for having an opinion when he won. Interesting. I think that's what my takeaway is. But I also think like...

He's not coming off as arrogant here. He's coming off as being like, no, I had it easy. These young guys, these young comics, men and women, they have a harder time selling a show because people don't want to make those shows. Right. He also threw the far left in there. And I think that also, when you say the far left, now people are like, oh, is he right-wing? And you're like, no, no, he's very left, but he's just saying the far left. I don't think he's talking about like, I don't think Jerry's saying you can't get an abortion. Yeah.

I think he's saying the far left does get offended more often. Is that not obvious? That's totally obvious, but I do think that triggers people. They're like, hey, I'm a lefty. What the hell? And he's talking about me, and then they get more angry. Yeah. I think he said...

I mean, look, it's ironic. It's like when Todd Phillips was like, I don't want to make comedies anymore because people get offended. And everyone's like, what the fuck is this? And you're like, well, shit, man. Yeah. It happened to Joe List. He was on Rogue and he was like, well, nobody wants to hear from white guys. And then he got in trouble for that. And he's like, this is what I'm talking about. A white guy made a point and you're mad at me.

It's funny when the prophecy, what do you call it, fulfills itself. Well, it's also interesting to hear a guy of Jerry's caliber and just like this iconic New York guy because...

That's a publication that might not hear that point of view from a guy of that caliber, right? Yeah, true. Well, there is a little underlying kind of thing where you're not supposed to say that stuff. And he said it. And I think that's where a lot of the... You need people to be fearless. And in terms of like...

of that level because like he has nothing to lose most people coming up are still scared of losing shit yeah he's like what are you gonna do take away Seinfeld uh

Everyone's favorite sitcom? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, Michael Richards did what he did. I still got Seinfeld. Yeah, and there's something to be said, like, Carlin was this comedian type for a long time, and he just went, I'm going this way now. And I'm not saying Seinfeld's doing a full image change and a rebrand, but I like a comic who, you think he's this way, and he zags. You zig and you zag. I like that. Yeah, I think he's just being himself. I don't think he's trying to do anything. No, no. Yeah.

I don't think so either, but yeah. I like that he keeps it real. He's one of us, because a lot of people put him up as this kind of squeaky clean, I don't want to say corny, but he's like this mainstream comedian that everybody loves. He's on Good Morning America, but he can still keep it real. That's what's cool about him. He's one of us.

Well, come on, Jerry. Yes! Get in here, you fucking hebe. We'd love to have you. Did I tell you this? The PayPal joke? No. So when I opened for him, I was like, I had that joke. I met my ex on that Jewish app, PayPal. And I was like, should I change that to Venmo? And he goes, nah, pay's funnier. It's got pay in it. And I remember being like, that's a fucking, this guy's a comic. He's a Jewish man. That didn't even phase him of like,

ah that's a little uh a little offensive or stereotypical he was just like that's better that way he's a wordsmith he is that that it's like chapelle when kramer said that shit he's like that's what i realized i was 90 percent comedian 10 percent that was one of the best jokes i've ever heard the best that was brilliant yeah doesn't mean he's less black he said that that n word's having a bad set that's fucking brilliant

That is a fucking brilliant line. So funny. Like, wow, you just flipped that. I know. I know. And again, everybody's like, you're black. Are you offended? And he zagged. He went the other way.

He's a zigger. Zagger. All right. But yeah, the Knicks are cooking. We're cooking. Well, you don't know, right? Because we're pre-recording this one. I hope we're still cooking. I got my Brunson 316 shirt on, baby. Oh, I was wondering what that was. Okay. That took me a second. I thought it was a Bible verse. I was like, oh, you've changed. Austin 316? Yeah, yeah. I didn't see the Brunson.

Yeah, he's the coolest. Oh, man. End of the season, we want Jalen and Josh on. We want the roommate pod to come on. We might be drunk as well. That's another thing.

So, any Peeves rocking you lately? Oh, yeah. I wrote a bunch down, actually. Let me pull those puppies up. I should probably check them out. Yeah, Peeves. I watched The Searchers. You ever watch that? John Ford? John Ford, John Wayne. Yeah. I'd never seen it. It's known as the fourth greatest movie of all time. Really? It's in there, yeah. AFI. It's a classic, yeah. And I just said, I gotta do it. And it's pretty great. Yeah, I haven't seen it in forever, but I remember...

I mean, yeah, that's like iconic. Iconic. Never seen it. Scalpings and everything. Crazy shit. I mean, John, it's like the woman's hysterical, the slapping. It's all the classic shit. A woman gets killed and she's like tucked away under this house. And the guy's like, I got to see her. I got to see her. And he goes, shut up. And he hits the guy. And the guy, you're like, the guy's just sad. You punched him out. But yeah, fun, fun. Very toxic male. Good time. Wow. Wow.

Well, that'll be the day. I'll tell you that, partner. I don't think so. The voice is great. Look at a young Natalie Wood has the squaw. Is squaw offensive?

I don't know either. She was a... She was a dime. She was a dime. She got probably killed by Robert Wagner. Yeah. Boy, he dodged that bullet, didn't he? Bad people live forever. He's hanging on. Him, Harvey's off now. That's no bueno. But you know, I thought he was faking the injury, but he walked out of there in a walker. I'm like, this guy's committing. Ha ha ha.

He's in the hospital now. Yeah, well, finally it's his turn now. He's going to have to go through another trial, but he's going to be a free man, I guess. You think? Isn't that how it works? Is that the end of the... Damn, that is not good. I wonder how much money he's got left. He must have made so much money. Oh, yeah. I think it's still coming in, the mailbox money. Damn, yeah. Yeah, he looks different. He's one of those dudes, it's like, man, you realize some dudes need that weight.

Yes. When you're older and you become frail. You get that gaunt look. Yeah. You know what's got to be the worst part about Harvey in jail is every inmate coming up to you going, I got an idea for a movie. He's like, no, no, just rape me, please. Rape me in the shower. I don't want to hear about another one of your dramas. All right, hold on. Searchers, I was just reading...

I read that Orson Welles book all the time and he was saying he hates it. I forgot why he said he hates it. Really? Yeah, he fucking hated everybody. Yeah. By the way, I got a rec. Check out Orson Welles on Dick Cavett. It's like an hour interview. It's un-fucking-believable. Like the stories. He knew Hitler.

What? He met Hitler. He didn't know him. What? But he knew FDR and Churchill. They knew him. We played the Churchill story. Yeah, yeah. But Hitler. Oh, my God. He was a kid. I guess he had this weird kind of privileged life, semi-privileged. But it's also hilarious that he's from Kenosha and he speaks like that way. I know. I know. But yeah, he said, I met Hitler when I was very young and I was deeply unimpressed. He was a dull man. I'm like, it's just a hilarious way to describe Hitler. Yeah.

He didn't leave an impression. Wow. That's guy, man. He is a character. By the way, I always say Dick Cavett. That was the original podcast. Dude, he's, he's great. He's great. He has a couple, like his prior interviews. Brutal. Yeah. Well, prior was tough. No, he's, he was tough. It was like, he was coming off corny and stuff too. Oh, okay. But Cavett's great. He's great. He's got Groucho. He's got Cosby. He's got John Lennon. Rickles. Yeah. He's got everybody. All right. All right.

Here's your peeve. How about this guy? The guy who keeps disciplining you after it's already happened, and you're like, I got it. So I had the thing where I was on a flight,

and it was hot as shit on the plane. I had a jacket on. So it was like about to take off. So I just stood up real quick, opened it, put the jacket in. And the guy comes up and he's like, you can't stand up. And I go, won't happen again. Did the jacket. That's the only reason I did it. I got it. I know the rules. And he goes, you just can't stand up when we're about to take off. And I go, I'm aware.

It's over. And he just kept going. I'm like, I don't know what else to do. I've absorbed the information. It's not going to happen again. The jacket's up. How long are we going to go down this lap of bullshit? Power trip. I guess so. Yeah, it's like... And also the fact that you said, I know the rules, I'm sorry. It's like, we've all been there. Yeah. They just can't help it. Can't help it. Like, what are you, a girlfriend? Hey, you should have done that. I know, I know. But like, I...

It already happened, so it's done. So, like, there's nothing to talk about. But that's annoying. We did it to do the couple laps around Discipline Park. I had a similar thing where I was like, they were on the ground forever. You know, sometimes you're bored, and it's like an hour, 20 sometimes, before you take off, and you're like, I really got to pee. Yeah. I want a coffee. I know. It hits you right then. And we're in the air, but I guess we weren't perfect. But it was level. Yeah. And she's like, you're not supposed to. I'm like, I'm sorry.

I have to pee. Yeah. I know. It feels like school again. Hey, it's not pee time. I know. It's weird. Can I take a nap? Yeah. Can I have a juice? Yeah. It is school time. Holy shit. It's cool. I had a bit about it, and it did okay. Yeah. You know, it's like you got to be on time, sit down, and the pilot's the principal. You don't want me to talk to the pilot. I'll go in there, and I'll tell the pilot. Yeah.

Remember Greg Geraldo's joke about how he was, there was some wake-up signs with his drinking. He goes, I was too drunk to get on a flight. He's like, you know how fucked up you have to be for them to be like, I'm sorry, sir. You don't look like you can sit. Yeah, you're too drunk to sit. You're too drunk to sit. That's one of the best fucking jokes. That's a great line. All right, I got another one. Hit me. I don't want to step on yours. Okay. You go. You want me to go? Well, I went already. I feel bad. All right. Let's see what I got for some fucking peeves. Oh, you know what? We don't do this a lot.

Hit me, baby. Shout outs. Like the opposite of a peeve, a thing I like. Yeah. You know, I'll be a little positive. We had the toast thing for a minute, but it faded. Let's do the toast. Let's call it a toast. All right. A toast to this.

I ran into a guy I don't love and I don't think he likes me that much either. And I definitely saw him. I think he saw me. But we both pretended we didn't. We just kept going. Yeah. A toast to just avoiding a pointless stop and chat. Love it. Because it's going to be awkward. You both don't want to do it. Why do it? Yeah. I was just like, I don't want to. I love it. But that's big. Usually one of you is like weak enough to be like, well.

How are you? Yes. But we both were like, fuck you. That's it. In a calm way. That's a beautiful thing. It is. It's the only thing you guys can agree on is that. That we don't want to talk to each other. The only thing we have in common is we don't like each other. Yeah. It's a nice thing. Yeah, I saw DeVito in the park. He saw me. I saw him. We both had the headphones in and we both went...

And I was like, all right. That was a good... That was a mutual we want to talk to each other. He's the best, though. He's the best. Told you guys. Told me you guys are doing Kentucky. Yeah. That's a great room. I need a good friend there. And it's like... I usually have Vita, but I'm like, ooh, it's going to be nice if I got you drinks with me in Kentucky. Get some good fucking bourbon. Get some bourbon. Get some bourbon.

And DeVito can work bits. Yeah, Vitor's great at that, too. That's true. Yeah, DeVito's the man. He's the man. I got another toast. Okay. A waitress who calls you hun. Oh. I love a hun. I love a hun, and I'll take a sugar as well. Oh, it's the best.

Or a Greek man in a diner goes, they make it just the way we like it. Yeah, his version of hun is my friend. How you like it, my friend? Come over here, my friend. We have a table for you, my friend. My friend is great. Yeah, hun is big. Southern, they'd say, how you doing, sugar? That was nice. Yeah, hun is big. Love hun, which women don't like hun.

Yeah. It's funny how the tables are like, hey, sweetheart. They're like, don't call me sweetheart. No. Which I've never called a woman sweetheart. I see an older guy. An old guy can do it. That's true. That's true. Hey, you doing, sweetheart? That's okay. That's nice. But in our voice, it's like, hey, sweetheart. Yeah. It's a little condescending. All right, sweetie. Easy, sweetie. The best was Geraldo's. He sees a female pilot. He goes, you going to be able to handle that buttercup? Ah!

Buttercup is so funny. Buttercup. Oh, my God. That's like a name of a horse or something. All right. I got one. How about this guy? This was a peeve. This got ugly. Did a guy's podcast. I hope he never hears this. And he goes, so what kind of what movies do you like? And you're on the spot. So you're like, I like this movie. I like that. I must have rattled off 10 movies, eight movies. And he goes, what else?

And I'm like, I like this movie. That movie goes, oh, yeah, what else do you like? And I'm like, I've given you 17 movies. I can't keep...

Can we focus on the 17? Are we going to do a deep dive on any of these? Exactly. Or do you want me to just name words? So now I'm like up against it where I'm like, oh, he needs more. And I feel bad saying I don't know or I feel bad not playing along and yes anding. But you're like, I'm out. What movies did you hit him with? I gave him all the good ones. You know, all the, you know, hey, I like Goodfellas. I like Cool Hand Luke. I like. What else? What else? More. Give me more. I like Life is Beautiful. I like something about

Mary I like we got the same taste Fargo I like no country was it a movie pod no not even I think this is almost a movie pod that's true we're like movie pod adjacent yeah comedy movie drink yeah comedians in cars drinking oh that's a fun show comedians in cars drinking Mark Mark Norman teaching Sam how to drive while they drink that's not bad

But yeah, so it was just annoying where you're like, I'm trying to go along, but I think he was just like filling air. He was just like, oh, what else? You keep talking. You know, elaborate. I hear that. Let me see what else. I had some others. Yeah, I think the peeve is also...

You got invited on a podcast and this guy's like, you do all the work. You carry it because I think you're fucking tired. Yeah, I think you're right. I think when we have a guest on, like, we try to be engaging. We try to feed their energy, but that's a lot of podcasts. Like, you just show up and they're like, so what else? I know. Okay, I don't know. Let me try to riff up.

Two hours. Totally. And how about this move? This guy who tries to fool you. Some guy's got one episode of a pod. It has three views. No one's heard of it. And he goes, oh, you got a special coming out? You want to come promote it on my pod? I'm like, I'm promoting your pod. You're not promoting my special. I'm going to put a name on it. Well, hopefully Jerry stopped listening. Shit. We'll do more than tonight's show, Jerry. I swear to God. And it will be more interesting. I know what you mean. If you want.

By the way, he ripped that. I don't know if you saw his Tonight Show. He was just ripping. He was just comfortable, and he took over. He was doing bits. It was great. He's in the zone with the promo. Yeah, he's on a real promo tour, man. Unfrosted, May 3rd. Come on, Jerry. That's way old right now. Yeah, it's way old. What do I got? I got a peeve. Ooh. I don't know why this bothers me.

But the big headphone guys walking the streets of New York. Interesting. There's certain shit. New York City, you need to hear certain shit. Yeah. I understand. Even the little ones, sometimes I don't hear shit, and I'm like, what am I doing? Yeah. But I saw a guy with the giant headphones. Sometimes you got to hear, get out of the way. You got to hear a honking horn. Yeah. Because the people that are using this, they're like checking their phone. I'm like, oh, so you have no senses? No senses, except smell. Smell. Let's say he throws a mask on. But smell doesn't save your life. True. No one's like, look out for that smell. Yeah.

You know? I mean... Unless it's gas. I'm guilty of this a little bit, but I was using the little headphones, the AirPod headphones, but they still block out a lot of noise. Yeah, noise cancel. So I'm walking home from the cellar and I...

I hear a crazy guy, but I'm like, eh, whatever. I'm not really paying attention. I'm just listening to a song. I'm doing what I shouldn't on this guy for. But with the big rave ones, you hear nothing. Nothing. So I hear it a little. I'm like, eh, it's probably nothing. I walk by. I literally am not paying attention enough that I walk down a dark alley, and it's me and the guy. No way. Yeah, because I was like, oh, fuck. He's crazy. He's screaming. I thought it was coming from there, but it's coming from here.

It was just coming from far. That's like a commercial. Yeah, it wasn't good. Great ad. You guys should start making out. Allie.

Damn, yeah, that's a good one. Sometimes you're like, all right, dude. It's almost like they're telling the world, like, don't even come near me. Don't talk to me. I don't give a fuck about any of you guys. I think that's what they're doing. Yeah, totally. That's why they're good on flights. Yes, flights are great. Yeah, you get the big head on a flight, I get you. I borrowed my friends for a flight, and they're so big you can actually use them to kind of sleep. You can kind of, like, prop your head sideways. Pretty good. It's almost like having a neck pillow.

Yeah, why don't they put little cushions on the side of them? Yeah. You put them on? Yeah, that's true. Because sometimes you do it for the noise. I feel like earplugs don't do shit.

No, they really don't. The little foam ones? What do they do? I snore, so I got the wife a pair of those, and she was like, does it snore? Oh, my God. I snore like a wildebeest. Does she tape you doing it? Yeah, it's embarrassing. When she plays that the next day, I'm like, oh, I would have stabbed me with a knife. So, yeah, bad snorer. I tried on. Someone had the...

Like the Apple headphones, the big ones. They're fucking amazing. Yeah, yeah. Those are comfy. Wow, look at that. They really work well. Yeah, this is a sleep mask headphone speaker.

How much is it? Cushion thing. Man, that's $143. I mean, if it works, that's not bad. I can see you with that. Yeah. You know what I would do, though? I would do on the flight sometimes. I just put the headphones in, but I put on the fan. Like an app, just like a noise thing, just so I don't hear too much noise. Well, it's funny because when you're on a flight and you take those off, it's like... I know. You don't realize how crazy loud it is. Yeah. Let me see. I got other peeves. And then the little headphones they give you on a flight are pretty...

pretty shitty they don't do much oh i got another wreck for you fucking please i'm watching like i took a page of the yearbook i'm just watching more youtube because as we said less i feel like there used to be more good docs on the streamers i feel like all the good docs are on youtube good point and i i just thrown on like random pbs docs and there was one on like stonewall the riots oh wow it's fucking great really yeah it's about like

the gay dudes in the 60s in New York and like how fucked up their lives were and just like just gay dudes riding against cops and winning it's fucking insane yeah I'll watch that it was pretty cool and I like old New York stuff that's why I love that stuff and just like history it's just cool that's really cool but they have a lot of cool stuff I mean you're like man fucking life was bad for gay dudes I know gay guys were so much tougher then oh my well they're more shredded now though

That's true. That's true. But yeah, everyone was tougher then. Everyone was tougher then. Yeah. I mean, you just had to be because you were like, I mean, if you didn't, you didn't survive, you know? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Because I watched Paris is Burning, which is. I heard that's amazing. It's incredible, but it's dark. It's like. I got to watch that. That's one of Salacuse's faves. Yeah. No fucking Salacuse this week. I know. I know. It's nice. I miss the guy. No, no, he's great.

I will watch. I watched the thin red, thin blue line. One of the best ever. Errol Morris, right? Isn't that who made it? Yes. One of the best fuck. One of the like, and it sneaks up on you. Yeah. Fucking brilliant. It's so well done. It's like the template for every modern true crime. They started everything. It's so dark. And yeah, that guy just got away with murder, right? I mean, he just. Yeah. Yeah. And it's crazy because it's like.

I hope I didn't spoil that for people who are going to watch. Oh, geez. Well, it's so different just watching it because the guy's driving. He's like, I drove from Ohio to Dallas, got a job at a coffee shop, was driving around, ran out of gas. Some dude picked me up. We went and saw a movie. Then we had a few beers, and you're like, oh, man, that's how people were. They just kind of went with the flow. Imagine meeting a guy who picks you up for gas and going to see a movie with him. You would never do that. And the kid was 16.

But it was just, life was just kind of fleeting and meaningless, and there was no internet or anything. So you're just like, I'll hang out with this guy now. Especially like really small town life. You're like, yeah, you're right. You just go with the flow, man. Totally. Totally.

So that's how I think about like, you know, New York back in this doctor, like, you know, time square was like the dirty areas, literally a movie street and every block that's like gay dudes were hanging, you know, down all the way downtown or like, uh, you know, you could see movies and stuff, but it's crazy. I think about just like,

Think about being young and trying to hook up with a girl. Yeah. Like, I've gotten blown in a taxi cab. Oh, yeah. Too young. Same. You know, your parents are home. What are you going to do? Right, right. And, like, being gay, doing that, that's like a fucking crime that could ruin your life. Crazy. That could... It could be... I remember I got blown in a phone booth once. Yeah. And...

This is how times change. A gay dude walked by. He goes, oh, that's nice. That was like 16. He was just jealous. He wasn't grossed out. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, must be nice. I got blown in a cab once in one of those van cabs, and the guy flipped. He was like, get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. My friend. My friend. Yeah.

Yeah, he was pissed. He pulled me out. I was like, oh, jeez. He pulled me out by my arm. He did not. He wasn't having that. He pulled you out? Yeah, and the girl was like, jeez. Yeah, it was wild. I was like, at least I'll be finished. I'll tip. I'll tip.

She'll tip. Yeah, I was on a date with a girl. I was on a date with a girl once. You just get fucked up and you don't think. You're just like, oh, I'm hammered. I'll just take my penis out. Yeah, and you're making out in the bar, so it just kind of leads to it. I wasn't just whipping it out. They usually do it and you're like, this chick's kinky. I'll go with the flow. Yeah, it's hot. I hooked up with a lawyer once. We were in a company car. I was young and...

We're going back to my place, and she's pulling the whole, like, I might come up, I might not. And I'm just like, all right, you know. And then she's driving me back. And then while we're in the car, she just takes my penis down and starts jerking me off. And the driver just is looking. I'm just like, this is the worst episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. No, but I was just like, all right. And he goes, there's a person driving this car. I'm like, I know. I'm sorry. I'm just like, I just.

He said that? Yeah, it was like, still hard. Sorry. Oh, that's awkward. But she came up. She came upstairs. All right, all right. She came up, but she never came. Yeah, the worst part about getting blown, because I've had blowjobs in Cavs where he didn't get mad, but now I'm like looking at the guy, so now I'm making eye contact with an old man while I'm getting blown. And now that's the only way he can come. Yeah.

I'm looking at this guy's twinkle, and there's a lot going on between our eyes. Like, is he mad? Is he not mad? Is he turned on? Does he hate me? Does he like me? So, yeah, that's too much. Just looking at the fare go up and up, you're like, ugh. Yeah. One pricey beach. Yeah. Right, right. Woo.

Woo, I'm getting gouged. Yeah. That was the days of the Wild West. Because in an Uber, it crushes your rating. I mean, you could get in a lot of trouble. Maybe you could get kicked off Uber for that. I always say ratings are the death. Like, dating apps, once those get ratings, it's over. Oof, that's going to... Well, you can't do ratings on that, though, because... I mean, I guess you could, but boring people will get... They'll get high ratings. Yeah.

Oh, interesting. Because they won't leave a bad impression. Like, oh, he was nice. He was just boring. But people taking swings. Yeah, good point. 1.5. Yeah. Also, what if you're just not compatible? We've all had that thing. Yeah, true, true. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. That would ruin it. And what if the woman is just mad? Like, oh, he didn't.

like take me he didn't offer me there he didn't pay fuck this guy he might be a nice guy he just didn't happen to pay or something but that is if you do a rating that's part I guess anything's part of it yes it's all a fair game so yeah bad idea don't but also women would care what the ratings guys wouldn't give a fuck they still go with the photo photo all day that's true be a guy is like a 5.0 3000 rating yeah you know

Women are like, all right, I'll... There you go. What's that? Uber makes it clear you can't have sex in an Uber. Oh, these poor kids today. That's why you got to go Lyft. Lyft will do it.

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Uber's troubling history with sexual assault. So they got... Yeah, unless you're the driver and it's unconsensual, you can't have sex in an Uber. Yeah. They don't do shit, by the way. Nikki Glaser was taken in an Uber and the driver just whipped his dick out on her. No way. Yeah. Really? She posted it. Like, I'm disgusted. Yeah, it's like, and Uber doesn't do shit. Nikki's fucking famous. Yeah, and it's a rating review. Like, you think that would be pretty bad PR for Uber, but they don't. Of course. Wow. But they'll hire fucking anybody. We gotta talk about that when she comes on. Yeah. Huh.

Uh-huh. Damn. We should talk about that. See, it's like your bit. This is why that's a great bit. Because the Uber...

I like that Matt's going to her site like there's going to have more on the dick in the Uber right here. Well, the Uber knows too much and you know too. The cab was like a one-night stand. We'll never talk again. We'll never see each other again. I'm going to fart in here. Oh, that was my oldie. Yeah, that was an old bit. You get in on speakerphone. They're talking on speakerphone. You're eating Caribbean street food in the back. You're both drunk.

That was the old, yeah. Right. It's an old bit. That's a great bit. I love jokes like that where you can break two things down. You're comparing two things. And I had a bit about how when I was a kid, cigarettes were normal and weed was crazy. And now weed's crazy and cigarettes are normal. Those are my favorite kind of jokes. Oh, you mean the other way around. Now weed's normal and cigarettes are crazy. Sorry, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah. That's a good observation. That's fun. Yeah, I mean, it is weird. Like, cigarettes, I feel like everyone... And when I was getting... Every mom was smoking, I'm in the car, I was like, oh, God, my clothes smelled horrible. And then Weed was like, he has marijuana, he's a pothead. Oh, dude, look up reefer madness. Yeah, exactly. Like a guy who smokes weed and shoots up a school or something. Dudes went to jail for having a roach in their ashtray. We got drug tested in my high school. It was like, Weed was Weed. Weed was bad.

And now we need arthritis, glaucoma, bad vision, joints. Well, nothing will make kids want to not do a drug like seeing an old lady with it. It doesn't look fun. That's true. Yeah, good point. You want a drug that you're like, this is dangerous. But not too dangerous. I don't want to fucking die. We never got the cigarette gummies.

That never happened. Those would be the worst gummies. Well, there's like nicotine. Oh, we got nicotine gum. Yeah. That's a good, better point. Yeah. But... Have you tried nicotine? Like, have you tried these Zins all the kids are doing? Everyone loves that shit. Zin is like taking over. It's like Taylor Swift for men.

I tried one and I was like, it's too much because I'm so lightweight when it comes to nicotine that I couldn't do it. Yeah, I had a friend, I mean, Julian Edelman, my buddy, the ex-football player is like always dipping in shit. Yeah. Athletes dip, dude. Oh, yeah. They love dipping. Lundquist was doing it. You saw that shit? They fucking dip. When you get a high, you get a buzz, you know, and it's like a good buzz. And I guess it's not like fucking with your body the way booze would be.

Well, we'll do Protect Our Parks, and Shane's kind of sitting there, and he'll put us in, and he's like, oh, so I was on the road the other night. You're like, oh, man, it works. You've never done it, though? I tried it. I didn't like it. It was too much. I was like, I got a hit with nicotine, and I was like, I can't handle it. Man, Shane is not a healthy man.

He's having like 25 beers and then he just pops other shit while he's doing it. He'll eat a bag of shrooms. He'll do anything. He'll do Molly. But he got a physical recently and I was like, how was he? He was like, weirdly, I'm fine.

Yeah, but it's not good when you start with weirdly. It's not like the doctor's like, this is going to blow your mind, but you're not dying. Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are. 40 years of medicine, never seen anything like it. He's an anomaly, but yeah, I think he's so big, too, that we forget you can take more in. But maybe it'll catch up, I don't know.

I mean, Bert's still going. I know. Well, he's drinking less, I think. But I mean, holy shit. Not when I was around. Man, I was blackout drunk. I tell you this. I saw Norton at the cellar. Did I say this last week? I saw Norton at the cellar. And Norton's like, man, thank you for that amazingly kind message you and Bert left me. And I go, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, that's great. I black the fuck out. That's great. That's a good sign for you as a drunk, though. That's why I still drink. I'm a very nice drunk. Yeah, most guys are getting drunk outside their ex. Fuck you, bitch! You're outside the window. Well, there's certain exes I might still do that to. I don't know if I'm a nice drunk. I think I'm just...

it's a more heightened version of who you are yeah so like i'm not gonna like i love you i get drunk i'm gonna be fucking nice to you you know my friends who i love i love right you know but uh if i don't like you yeah i don't think i'm gonna fake it when i'm drunk yeah yeah good point but some people i guess yeah i guess they're hiding they're bottling up some darkness because that shit when they get drunk it comes out yeah we've all seen that shit

Is this anything here? I was at a pharmacy and I had to get pills, and the pharmacist is covered in tats, like up to here. Oh, interesting. Got face piercings everywhere, and I'm like, I don't mean to be a dick, but how did you get the handling pills job? You know what I mean? Right. I go to the gun range. I don't want the safety expert to be a teen with a bowl cut. Right. That's great. I need one more thing there, but there's something to that, right? Yeah, yeah. That's really good. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't want the Moyle to be the guy with the Parkinson's or something. Edward Scissorhands. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be something better, like you'd bank tell her with a ski mask. That's not it, but something more obvious. Yeah. Fuck. Huh. I don't know. I stink, bro. No, no, that's a great bit. That's a great... The bowl cut is funny. The bowl cut.

Well, Matt Ruby, speaking of Jews complaining, has that great bit about he's like, you never see Jewish superheroes, but our ultimate superhero is Goldilocks. Going into houses and being like, too hot, not comfortable, too cold. That's a great pull. That's a good observation. Goldilocks. That's fucking funny. Yeah. What a...

Yeah, you got any other bits you're working on? Yeah, I got a bit. Hold on. Let me pull this puppy up just so I don't fuck it up. Let's do some bits, baby. Do some bits. Did I ever do? Okay. Trying to do a bit about drunk, like an observational chunk on drunk driving.

So I do this whole thing. I'm like, I used to have a real problem. We played these crazy drinking games, drunk driving. If you kill somebody, you lose. That was the whole thing. Let's kill it. So that hits. And then I'm like, and you youngsters, you got Uber now. Back in my day, we had to white knuckle it. Like that was part of drinking was like getting back home. And then I do all these things like, boom, hope that was a mailbox. You know, then you got to have Cub Scout uniform in your bumper, blah, blah, blah. And I break the whole thing down like it's a crazy system.

150 people drive to a bar, chug whiskey for five hours. The bartender says, you got to go. And we all just...

Get back in our car. Great. Love this. But I don't know how to really make that funny. So all I'm saying is like, we get back in your car and you go, we'll see. And that kind of hits. I think the angle is like, I say we start filming shit like this. It's like, it's like Formula One, but everyone's fucking wasted. Hey, that's good. That could be kind of funny. That's good. Yeah. And also the residents of the city are just like,

I just happen to be driving, so now my life is in danger against 150 shithouse people. I thought about that all the time. You leave a gig, and they're like, yeah, everyone's going to be... And we're sober. We just performed. Yeah. And we're trying to get home, and everyone on the road is just like, that guy's wasted. That's a good point. And not only are they wasted, they had to buy drinks.

Force two drinks at least. But then the part that's really hitting is I talk about how Uber is like it saves so many lives, but they don't get the credit. Like the Uber shows up, the ambulance shows up after the accident. The Uber shows up before the accident. So the Uber is the real hero, but he doesn't look like a hero because the ambulance is like, live, damn it, live, clear. And Uber's like, you puke in here, you get fined. And that's killing. That's good. And then I'm like, they've saved all of our lives. And how do we thank them? Five stars, no tip.

So I got some skeleton. Yeah, puking in the car. Fuck, what a bad... I know, we puke in their car and without them we might have died. There used to be a fine in cabs. It was like...

I don't know how they got you back in the day before credit cards either. Yeah. Because you used to just pay cash for cabs. Like, you puke in the cab. Like, look up what a fine... Oh, yeah. That's a good point. I don't know how they fucking got you. How'd they get you? They must have driven you to a fucking bank or something. Yeah, that's true. What a shitty night for a cabbie. Yeah, and you got to take that to get a... Ugh, what? Ugh, so gross. All right, but you think there's something with all the people leaving the bar at once. I love that. Yeah, we get everyone fucked up. I love the idea that...

it's a crazy ubers don't get any credit as good they really don't yeah because they it didn't happen yet so it's like this pre-life save uber's an ambulance is i'm thinking of like the similarities here like you know both dealing with drunks yeah uber's prevent it's almost like that movie uh minority report pre-crime remember they stopped the crime before it happens great flick yeah spielberg i think that's a bradbury

Ray Bradbury book? Maybe. Maybe wrong. It feels like it could be. It feels like, yeah, that futuristic type. Yeah, but they stopped the crime before it happened. That's what Uber does.

And they get no credit because you don't know if the crime would have happened. Only $75 vomit fee for cab? That's fucked up. Is that out the window? I know, right? That's not right. I will say cabs, most cabs are like that weird kind of plastic inside where they can hose it out. Come on, though. Yeah, that's awful. That's true. There's something about, I'm trying to think of comps for Uber showing up. Yeah. Yeah.

And then I say, now the new problem is texting and driving. The other day I was texting. I'm guilty of it. I was like, dude, I'm so fucking hammered. That's like the little button on it. That's good. But all this took so long to come up with, and it's still not where I want it. So I'm just going to keep tinkering. It's also interesting. Like, you get an ambulance. That's like, what, $1,000? Oh. Uber's $20. That's good. That's good. And he saved you from the ambulance. And he saved you. And you're still paying a third of the price. Yeah.

That's good. I wonder if there's going to get to, like, we're going to get to a point with Uber where they're going to be like, are you drunk? Oh, yeah. I wonder if we're going to get there. Yeah. I think they just assume in certain cities if it's after 11 or 10. Right.

And also, maybe there's something to the ambulance like, thousand bucks, damn, but at least I'm alive. Uber's like, they're fucking surging. That guy's a crook. But he still saved your life, but he's a crook. He charged $10 more. Because when you get away with it, you never are grateful. Never are grateful. You make the life change when you don't get away with it. Yes. And I looked it up. Cities have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in DUI payments because of Uber. Uber has gotten so many people home.

you know, drunk that they lost all the DUI money. So cities are actually losing money on Uber. So they're pissed. So they're, I guess they're pissed. It's amazing that you're mad. You're like, not enough people are drinking and driving. I know. The city's crumbling. That was keeping us afloat.

Who knew? All we do is drink responsibly, don't get on the road. But if you do, we're going to take your money. It is a rich, rich premise. There's a lot here. There's a lot here. I like it, man. All right, thanks. You can be posted on this. Really new. That's one of those you get to work on an hour. You can throw that in and kind of play with it. You have a little more leeway. You can't do that at the cellar. I love it. Yeah, I need more of those, man. I need to get back out there. I'm trying to write, but it's coming a little more slowly at the cellar.

The money's good. The money... An ambulance is a thousand. That's a good angle. Yeah. I had something that I said to Stav recently that he was like, that's something. And we're just... I think it was actually on his pod. But it was something about how women...

Like, with movies, they have this fake idea of what romance is. Mm-hmm. You know? But I feel like men, we do that with our father in movies. Ooh, interesting. You know what I mean? Like, women are like, I'm going to meet Mr. Right, and men are like, someday my dad's going to come back to life and play catch with me. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's not it, but something like that. I just have a whole thing about, like, how movies are bullshit, and, like, maybe this generation won't even get that as much, but, like, for us growing up, like, everything was...

a certain way yeah totally and the the male father-son shit in movies is like it's so in us i think yeah true i've heard the angle of women like movies with romance men like porn with sex yeah but this is totally different it's different totally different but yeah it's true the dads came off as like dad's home he's got a suit and tie on you're running the door

That's kind of over. I had a whole thing about just movies being like, in every movie for some reason, the barber and the guy getting the haircut are like best friends. Yeah. They're just talking the whole time. I've never said a word. Right. It's always like an Eastern European guy who's like, good. I'm like, good. I'm like, that's it. That's all. Yeah. I mean, you look back at like any Jimmy Stewart movies, walking on the street like, hey, Roger. He's like, how do you do, mailman? Milkman goes by. This is nothing. Let me try a different one. All right.

What do I have? Oh, I saw a headline. Did I try this one last? I can never know which ones I tried because I have them all on a file. I saw a headline, Cougars in the Classroom, the Alarming Rape, Teachers are Raping Young Boys in America. I'm like, if they really are predators...

I mean, like, you know it's not nearly as bad when women are doing it. I've never seen the headline, Silver Fox Priest Strikes Again. That's great. That's great. I need, like, one more. They're going to keep, like, you know, like, stylish billionaire owns entire sex island. Yeah. Yeah.

I need something else. That's not maybe the second one. Oh, Dilf Pediatrician. Add it again. Because Larry Nassar was always in there. There's always a pediatrician guy. Dilf Pediatrician. That's fucking great. Dilf. Dr. Dilf. Yeah.

That's a great cougar. They're calling her a cougar, which is a compliment. I know. That's hilarious. Cougar teachers. Cougars. Cougars are funny, too, because it could be the mascot of the school. Just a bunch of hot 42-year-old women with fake tits.

How about that woman? There was that woman in Canada with the giant... Oh, yeah. That was fake. Yeah, that was crazy. That was a troll. Oh, it was fake? Yeah, it was a guy because he was getting mad about the LGBTQ and the trans stuff. Oh, so it was a fake? So he's like, all right, anybody be a woman, I'll get gigantic tits. He looks like Tim Dillon. I've seen this guy. I think he's gotten him removed since, but he really made a splash.

I mean, look at this. He's a shop teacher. This is around bandsaws and shit. Oh, he looks normal there. Oh, that's the guy, yeah. Well, he looks better in the vest. Not as good there. But the commitment to the trolling is unbelievable. That's next level. Those are some real honkers with the nips and everything. Yeah, buddy. And no muumuu either. We're going halter top. Man, big cans in the...

In the street these days, it's fun. It's wild. A lot of big boobs out. I know, and I had no idea. What do you mean? Like, with the big hoodies and the jean jackets and the winter, you don't even know these gals are running around. It's funny, like, when you see the woman, when you see more of the body, they're so much hotter than they were just... Like, it adds, like, 8% hotness. It does. Maybe 20%. It's like when you see a guy, like, that's a regular guy. Oh, you know, he's a...

hedge fund billionaire, he's hotter. Right. You know? For us, the job doesn't matter. Yeah, you know. Just the body. Which is, I guess, offensive, but also a perk. For a woman, body of work. For men, body. Ooh!

Ooh, you got to trademark that. Body, body of work. That's good. Even anything. Well, the cool thing about women is they'll be like, who's this guy, Jeff? Oh, what's his deal? He's actually the head ping-pong. He's got the gold medal in ping-pong in the Olympics. Hotter.

Just anything. Ping pong, you think that's getting some Vs? I think, oh yeah. Ping pong? These gamer kids, these nerdy Asian guys are getting crazy poon. So funny. Yeah, because if you're the best of your field or you're good at something, even a magician, a good magician gets laid. That guy's banging a playmate. What does he do? Bumper pool. Cool.

Crazy. Ski ball, Jeff over here. Yeah. I beat Call of Duty. Yeah. And I tapped that ass. Yeah. Call of Booty. Twitch streamers are making dough. Oh, yeah. It's funny. I was talking to someone who said they have like, at colleges, they have like gaming halls. I believe it. It's huge. Huge. E-gaming. All right. Another bit I'm throwing at you. Tell me this is hacky and I'll get rid of it. All right. But it's close. I saw this whole article about how

teenage boys aren't having sex. They're like not even interested in sex because all they do is play video games. They literally play for like 20 hours a day. And I thought that's weird because...

The Vagina was the original video game console. I mean, you got excited to play it. You ran home, used your fingers. You had to learn about it. You got mad when your friend beat it. You know, you had to, when the new one came out, you wanted that one. If it's not working, you blow on it. Yeah. Is that still whole water? Do people know about that? Probably not. That feels old. Yeah.

but I think there's something there. I think there's something there. It's hitting, but it needs more. But yeah, the vagina was the original video game. Then I, you asked your friends, do you know any secret codes? Oh yeah. I thought of a tag could be a, how do you get so many video games? I use a cheat code money. Yeah. Something, some kind of cheat code joke. Something like that. Cheat code's funny. I,

I spin it all off into this thing like we should just make video games for men that are helpful. Like I need a video game on how to argue with my wife and win. You know, I call it wife beater. You know, do I look fat in this? Up, down, up, down, left, right. That whole thing. And then she's like, who is that girl you were texting? Uppercut. That's funny. So that part's already working. I'm just trying to make the front part work. Uppercut's great.

Specific always is funnier. And you can picture the video. Punch isn't funny. Uppercut is funny. Uppercut's funny. Because you're picturing like Sub-Zero or something. Yes, Street Fighter. Yeah. Yeah, so just trying to connect. That's the thing about it. I got a decent 35-40, but you're just trying to perfect everything as you go along.

Yeah, I used to have a bit where it was like every mass shooter is like I heard voices in my head. I'm like, yeah, you're not supposed to listen to those. You know what I mean? If I listened to every voice in my head, I'd be a sometimes gay street fighter. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And the tag was like, is E-Honda butt-fucking me? Sounds like the worst video game ever. See, E-Honda is so much funnier than some guy. That was an oldie. I just misdelivered it. It's that old. E-Honda, wow. Old school. Street Fighter. You made me think of that shit. Yeah. There was always that one kid who knew all the buttons. Oh, I fucking hated that kid. Hated that kid. I was never good at the fighting games. I was okay at the sports games, but the fighting ones...

And the first-person shooters, I was never good. Did you play NBA Jam? I love NBA Jam. Love NBA Jam. My girlfriend's got the arcade set up. Whoa! That's a keeper. Yeah, yeah. I have Starks and Ewing, baby. Those are my guys. Wow. That game fucking rules. She walks into your place, you have an Oscar or something, a Grammy, that's a turn-on. You walk into hers, and she's got a fucking NBA Jam arcade. That's a turn-on. Dude's liking...

Women who like guy shit is a turn on. Totally. Totally. Because now if you watch sports with us, it's not a favor. Right.

Right. Like I've dated the girls where like I've bought the tickets. We go to a game and they're just like this the whole time. I'm like, this is expensive. I could have bought someone who would have had a good time. I bring my guy friend. He's like, thank you so much. Yeah. This was awesome. Exactly. She's just like angry. I know. I know. But then if you don't invite her, they're mad about that. Yeah. That happened to my friend. He got tickets to the Super Bowl. He brought three friends and his wife was like, you don't bring me to the Super Bowl. He's like, you hate football. You've never liked football. You would have ruined the whole thing. And she was like, you're right. You're right.

But it's the invite they want, not the actual... Well, it's also the idea of you having fun without them. Yeah, that's part of it. I think there's some part of them that's like, you have more fun without me? At games, yes, I do. Yes. At a sporting... Not always, but at sporting events, you're damn right I do. Sporting events, parties, comedy shows. All right, fine. It's more fun with you. Yeah, the list goes on. But yeah, well, it's like that Patrice joke. No one's ever said, you know what would make this party better? My girlfriend. No, no, no.

I'm sure women fucking hate that joke, but it's funny. It's funny because it's what you're not supposed to say. You're guy friends. Yeah. Shane has that joke, and especially he's like, I don't hang out with a lot of women. I like to have a good time. You know? It's home. Yeah. But, yeah. Uh...

I think when women come, it's like, okay, what's the girls like? I want to go to the strip club with you. Well, guess what? That ruins the strip club. Of course. Of course. Yeah. You come to the sporting event if you like it. If like you want to get into it. I love that. Yeah. If you're like, but I've been with like multiple, I've had girlfriends in the past, like they come and they're just like, I don't give a shit. Sure. I get it. And then on the flip side, when they go, me and the girls are going whatever, you're like, great. Yeah.

And they're like, you don't want to come? I'm like, no. Why would I want to do that? Oh, my God. Thank God I've never dated a girl who's like, can we go to Coachella? Oh, brutal. Oh, my God. Burning Man, Stagecoach. I don't want to go to any of that shit. Let me stay away from any music fest. Yeah. And then my lady, she's like...

I think we're introverts. She's like, let's go out. Let's see the city. Let's do this. So she'll be like, oh my God, it says here that Governor's Island is having a candle, whatever, or like a Chinese balloon. What do you call those? Chinese lanterns. They're letting them off. Chinese spy balloon. Yeah.

Yeah, you can shoot them. But they're having Chinese lanterns that go off. She's like, how cool is that? I was like, you got to go to that. She's like, you want to go? I'm like, no. I don't want to get on a boat, go to governor. I mean, the whole thing works. Aren't you about to go to a thing with your girlfriend tomorrow, or your wife? We're going to see the Stones. I know, but it's so funny. I was literally just being like, man, going to concerts with your partner sucks. I'm like, oh yeah, you're going to one. Well, this is hometown. I see the folks. The Stones is amazing. The Stones are going to die at some point. I also called her your girlfriend.

I've known you for too long. Yeah, it's... I see the parents. It's in New Orleans. There's a list of caveats here. Yeah. Caveat, is that the right word? I don't think that's the right word. I don't think that's the right word. There's external factors. There's other shit happening. There you go. Thank you. Thank you for translating. Yeah. Tried to use big words. Yeah, it's New Orleans. It's Jazz Fest. It's all this, so...

So it'll be fun. It'll be a good time. You like going home. This is how much of a psycho I am. We're flying into Lafayette doing two shows to pay for everything, and then we're driving to New Orleans. I like doing that type of shit, too. I don't like to... I just decided I'm going to do a Euro tour in September, and I'm like...

I tell my girlfriend, I'm like, that's the vacation. I'll take days off in between so we can do shit. Yes, yes. That's the vacation. That's a great vacation. London. We're doing like good cities like London.

Fuck, where else am I doing? I think Manchester. Yeah. I'm doing Dublin. Oh, that's great. Good for you. Sweden. I'm going to the right places. Paris. Oh, you're going to have a blast. Days off. Sweden, Copenhagen. With days off. Even if you have just one day off, it makes all the difference. I'm going to the Netherlands. I'm going everywhere. Oh, good for you. You're going to see the world.

And she's coming. Oh, this is going to be great. We'll see. Some of it. She'll pop in for Paris and London and the good ones. Not everybody needs to go to Sweden. I bet it's cool. Sweden's cool. I've been there. Isn't that great? You see it. You go, hey, look at that. Everybody's attractive. Ikea, meatball. Got it. You're out. But you go to Paris. You go to London. It's booming. London rocks. Bustling. I love London. Ari's moving there.

No, he's not. He's moving to London, he says. What the fuck is with you, Ari? What the hell, dude? He's got to get out. He's got to be interesting. He realizes he's this ugly loser unless he's living in Malaysia. Was that really him passed out on the dock?

Was that a homeless guy? That was a homeless guy. Oh, okay. This is how fucked up it is. I thought that was Ari. Oh, with Simon Rex? Yeah. Another person sent me that, and it was the guy you sent to the Simon Rex. Oh, that's funny. And I was like, is Ari okay? Oh, he's fine. Just a homeless guy. Yeah, well, Ari had that crazy beard, so every homeless guy looked like Ari. Yeah. Why is he moving to London? He wants to mix it up, and he's like, it's not that different. Is his girlfriend coming with him? Yeah. Yeah.

She'll come for some of it. I don't think she'll live there. He does what he wants. So my friend just got a new girlfriend and they're fighting now because they're going on their first vacation. And he said, I'll go on the vacation. I'll pay for everything. I just need one day to myself on the vacation. And she flipped. What does that mean, one day to himself? Meaning like...

I can't be with you for five, six days straight. It's tough. It's tough. I need one day. It's just me. And she's taking it personal. And he's like, this is who I am. It's not against you. I would feel this way if I went with a bunch of dudes. I went with my family. He's like, I'm just asking for one day. And she won't secede. She's got to know who she's with. I know. Exactly. For me, I would probably, instead of a whole day, I would just have little breaks. That's what I said. I'm more of a little break guy. Yeah. Yeah.

But also, why do you want to hang out with a guy who needs a full day? Like, if a guy told me that, I'd be like, oh, shit, all right. I don't want to bother you. So I would back off. We've done the road with people who are like, I need my alone space. I'm like, that's fine. Totally get it. That's how they are. Yeah. She's not into it. So this won't last. Is it a comic? Yeah. I'll tell you later. Bleep the name.

Oh, wow. He's just, I mean, the guy's 78 years old. He can't, this is why he can't settle down. Yeah. Which, you know, to each his anal. I get it. But, uh. He's a day, huh? He told her that straight up. And she, it is. And they're breaking up? They're not going to break up, but I think they will eventually. Where are they going? Italy, I think.

Going to the most romantic place in the world. He's like, I'd like to be alone. Yeah. Just jerking off in a room full of candles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's kind of ruined the vacation before the vacation. Have you been to Italy? Oh,

Oh, yeah. I haven't been. I might add that to the tour. Gotta do it. Let me see if I can add that to the tour. If you can just get into Rome for a day and get out, it's worth it. Yeah, probably. But then there's Pompeii, which is incredible. Then there's the Amalfi Coast. Woo! I heard this is shit. Amalfi Coast is like, I can't believe this is real. It's like a movie set. It's so pretty that it doesn't seem like it should exist.

But you're the fun... This is why I always tell people about you. You're the one guy in the world who quit Hawaii. Yeah. Canceled Hawaii. That's a comic. I don't know about Hawaii. I don't think I'm going to sell tickets there. Well, that too. It's tough. But it was... You know what the problem was? I'd been on the road all year. I was... My agents were trying to route it, like, with Australia. Oh, yeah. And then it was like, you know, I'd get there, like, Wednesday, and then I'd leave for... I believe it was, like...

or something on Brisbane, maybe on Sunday, uh,

So I'm like, you think I want to fucking just four nights alone? I couldn't bring a guy. I don't want to go to Hawaii alone. Right, right. That's true. I mean, maybe it would have been good for me. I don't know. Yeah, I'm with you, though. I'm on the road so much. I'll go there when I go there. But it was like, I'll go sometime. Yeah, no. You like Hawaii? It's breathtaking. But I'm also, like you, I'm not a beach guy. No, I'm a park guy. Not a total beach guy. I like the park.

Yeah, you want a black coffee and the post. Yeah, I do. But the beach, I get it for a day. I'll sit out. I'll get shithoused.

I'll read. The beach can be cool, but I was a city kid. I never went to the beach. Me neither. Me neither. We didn't go. And then when you go, you're just covered in sand. Yeah, yeah. You're burned. You get a mouthful of salt water. I've never liked those weird animals in the water. Yeah, yeah. Then you've got to lug everything back to the car or the subway. It's a chore. I don't like it. I'd rather just go to the park with a paper and...

Yeah, coffee. You nailed it. That's me. Yeah. Or take a walk. I love a walk. Or walk on the water. I don't mind that. And I love swimming, but I like a fucking pool. I don't want to. I know. Same. Or the rec center even. Give me a rec center. The rec center pool. I love that. Yeah, that's great.

But I made the mistake of going to the Coney Island beach. Like, hey, me and the lady, let's do it. We got a Saturday off. Let's go to the beach. And it's just nothing but a sea of humanity. You got like an inch of sand over here because it's all beach towels and people blaring speakers and people drinking and eating sandwiches out there. And everybody's disgusting and gross. And you're like, this sucks. This isn't relaxing. I'm like, oops, sorry, guys. You stepped on my towel. You're like, oh, shit. Sorry, buddy. All right. And you trip over a cooler.

It's a nightmare. Yeah, I've never been, dude. It's not great. I usually date women who, like, if they want to do something, it doesn't last. I know. They're like, we should do this. I'm like...

I'm not a doer. I'm not either. I don't want to do. You know what sounds great to me? Let's go to the diner on the corner. Sure. Have a bunch of coffee. Yep. Man, I have too much coffee. I saw a urologist today. Wow. And he's like, yeah, you got to cut back on the water. You did probably a prostate titus.

On the water? On the coffee. Oh, okay. No, I need more water. I don't drink. He was like, tell me all the things that fuck up the stomach acid that could lead to that stuff. He's like, yeah, spicy foods, acidic foods, which is like good food. Yeah, yeah. Coffee and booze. God damn. And I'm like, just everything just hitting me. You named my whole diet. That's my whole life. Oh, my God. We're getting older. So what is it? You got to eat greens, vegetables?

No. Well, the problem is even think we get a salad. It's the dressing is acidic. Like you get older and shit just gets harder on your body. I know, but I'm not going to quit coffee or alcohol. So I think like spicy foods, I can cut back a little bit. I love spicy. I do too. I'm a hot sauce fanatic. Yeah. Damn. I love, man. There's just like a hot pepper relish. I put on sandwiches. You make a cold cut at home, man. It's like takes us cold cuts.

Sometimes I take time off and then I just go to the grocery store and I buy a shitload of it. Yes. It's a great thing to have in the house. That big wad of turkey. It's my favorite. It's so heavy. I love it. It's the best. I could just eat a handful of it. What kind of cheese you go? Well, I like pepper jack. I like cheddar. And I like American. I'm a cheese guy. I'll do any cheese. Swiss, I'll take. I'm a slut. I'll do any fucking cheese. Yeah.

But then, yeah, man, you get good bread at the store. There's a Wegmans by me now. Wegmans is fucking unbelievable. There's a Wegmans over there? It's fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. They kicked it up and out. We needed a Wegmans in this town. That's good. It's because I've got a...

Morton Jim? What's the guy's name? Morton? Morton Williams. Yeah. Is it Morton Williams? Pricey. Pricey. And not great. And not great. It's got the price of this high-end Citarella shit, but it's actually, you know. Citarella's fucking pricey. Very pricey. They got some good shit. Great shit. They got lobsters in there. You name it. You're cooking some fish. That's where you go. Oh, yeah. Get some fresh fish. But Morton Williams is killing me on price.

Yeah, it's not good. It's just a low-level grocery. Gristiti's worst groceries. We're losing them. Oh, you've got to follow us both on punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Good save, man. We're in grocery store talk there. Yeah, sorry about that, man. We got one Campari soda. We're fucking idiots. We got all our tour dates up there, but also this is a place we're putting content because...

Instagram is getting fucking kooky, man. So is YouTube. YouTube? It's crazy. It's turned into NBC. I know. It's flipped. It's like we stopped doing late night sets because they were like, you got to change this. You got to change this. We're like, I'm good. Now every clip we post, they're like, you can't use that word. Yeah. We get, you know. Yeah. First bit, of course, Israel-Palestine. So I'm putting my material up there that like new topical stuff that I used to put on Instagram. But like, man, they kill your...

They kill your engagement, then they dock you. What's the point of building these followings when they don't see it? It's ridiculous. I completely agree. Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Yeah, and we'll both be on the road. What do I got coming up? I got Lexington, Kentucky. That's at the end of the run, I think, there, of the new dates. Oh, you're doing Miami, huh? Yeah, Lexington, Kentucky, 631. Brea. Yeah, Brea. Up.

Bray Improv, Miami Improv, that's 6-13 through the whatever, I can't even see, through the 15th. And then, yeah, June 22nd, Atlantic City with Chrissy D, Chris DiStefano, and we're adding some dates, some openers. It's going to be fun, special guests. Rochester, New York, Comedy of the Carlson, the June 27th through 29th. I can't wait. Nice. Fun club spots. I'm all over the place. West Palm Beach, Fort Myers, New Haven, Beantown, New York.

Macon, Georgia. I assume that's... Macon? Macon? Oh, I'm doing... I think that's fully loaded. Oh, I think I'm doing some of them. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Oh, great. We got fucking wasted on his thing, and he was like, your agent hates me. I was like, no, he doesn't. We called him, too, of course. Ha, ha, ha.

Charleston, Philly, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Spokane, Baton Rouge, my alma mater, Pensacola, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Rockford, Illinois, Rochester, Minneapolis, Richmond, Greensboro, Anaheim, Thousand Oaks, Redding, Red Bank, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, London, London? Oh, London, Ontario. Toronto, Monterey, Oakland,

Edmonton, go to the site. Going hard. Kalamazoo, looking cute in that pic, too. Oh, that's a Salacuse, I think. Get tickets on either Punch-Up or just our websites, and...

That's a cute pic, too. Oh, yeah. Look at that. SF Cobbs from that one. Yeah, I was in a good mood. He got me on a big laugh from Vitor there. Jim McCambridge, I think, took that one. You know that guy? Yeah, yeah. Great photographer. He's a legend. Yeah, I love his stuff. Well, we love you guys. Keep listening. Buy Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. I think any day now this is going to be popping in New York, so we're going to do a big thing maybe. Shout out to Matt Herman. He's really pumping. He flew to wherever the hell he was. He flew to, like, Indiana. Yeah.

To like check out some barrels. I'm sure we'll get a bill. Well, you guys are great. We love you. Thanks for listening. Yeah. Queef it up. Comedy.