Ep 177: The Foot
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Hey, hey. Hey, vodka soda? Yeah. Nah, nothing wrong with that. How you doing? Mmm. Can't complain. Living the dreams. Back on the road. I was in... I had a great run this weekend. Where were you? When you got a good run, you got to appreciate it. What are we talking? So, Dr. Steve, you ever heard of him? He touches the comic's dicks. He's the chlamydia doctor, basically. I probably could have said that in a more dignified manner. Yeah. Well...

He heard me on Jim and Sam 10 years ago, or Opium Jim or whatever the fuck it was. And I kept fooling around and getting STDs and shit. So he would call in and be like, let me give you the antibiotics. So we became friends. What a fucking crazy way to meet a doctor. Great guy. I heard you talking about your dick on the radio. We should link up. We became fast friends.

I owe this guy my life because he got me out of so many jams. He goes, hey, this is a comedy club in my hometown. They need a help. They need a hand. They need a boost. Will you come do it? And I said, I owe you a favor. It was in Bristol, Tennessee. It's called Blue Ridge Comedy Club. Great club. And I went and did two shows there. We sold them out. Killer. And I went out and got drunk with the staff.

Left there, drove to Knoxville, did some theater there, the Bijou. Oh, I've done it to me. You were there. I told you, I thought about, I'm like, maybe going to take my next special there. You know who did? Who? Dusty Slay. It's a good theater. Great theater, great crowd. Yeah.

You know what it is? They're just like a great mix of people. Yeah. I loved performing there. That was a fun run. We did the tour bus for that run. It was like all these cities that like Chattanooga, Birmingham, they were great crowds. Great crowds. Real people. Salt of the earth. Got drunk with the staff. Yeah.

I did a don't tell. That's where I bomb with my pedophilia stuff. I thought that's when you use your mouth in a glory hole and you aren't allowed to talk about it. I really flubbed that one. I had a good one there and I really fucking fumbled at the goal line. What are you going to do? Then we drove to Chattanooga, which I'm in love with. Yeah, it's cute. Cute, right? Nestled in the mountains, brick.

Cute, pretty. Like a girl with freckles and big tits. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah, I like a freckle. I'll take a couple freckle on the tit. You like that? Yeah, not too many. As long as they're freckles. You know, if you have enough freckles. I think of Dave Attell. No one has freckles on their ass. Use a condom. Thanks, parrot. The parrot. If you have too many freckles, you're black. Something to think about. You want to see Winnie dance? Check this shit.

She loves this shit. Dance, Winnie, dance. She goes crazy for these. That's her dancing. That's all she gets. Not much of a shuffle there. She can't do much anymore at this age. That was about it. She's happy, though. There we go. Very quiet today. She's always quiet. She's a restful old bird. Yeah. Old wingus. Look at the tongue. The tongue doesn't even make it in the mouth.

That's hard to have a dog in New York. It really is. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you see a person with a dog that's like, you ever see one of those enormous dogs? Yes. First of all, they live to like six. So you're just like, you just have a giant dead body in your home before you know it.

Sorry to be morbid here. And secondly, you know, like who the fuck has the room for a dog that size? I know. I've seen. What do you call those giant ones? Big, big giant fuckers. The Marmaduke one? The Great Dane? Great Dane! They're big. Dane Cook. Yeah, Great Dane. Also Big Poop. Big Poop. Bigger the dog, bigger the shit. You gotta walk that son of a bitch. Cat's the way to go. Or a paraplegic. She saw me with her outside. I don't even have her on the leash. She's so slow.

Yeah. Cut that footage of when he's strolling through the city. Oh, there we go. Just cut it before the asshole dilates. Nobody needs to see that. Maybe she's going to drop a deuce. You better believe it. Look at that. Oh, look at that. Look at that fucking camel. Wingus runs the city. He fucking rules. Woo! So I asked Sam a question in the elevator. You better watch out. Some hawk might fly down and tag her there. So I asked Sam a question in the elevator because he was holding her up.

holding winnie up by the chest there so her whole lower region was hanging down and i was like do female dogs have clits well that's not how it started matt starts playing her belly and i go yeah rub that clit and that's how it started that's how it started he was petting her a little low it was strikingly low be careful i need a devilish grin on his face he seemed excited to do it the glasses and he was having fun with it yeah and i saw him i saw an erection form in his pants

And then I saw him start pleasuring himself. It was a terrible ride up to the studio. It's a long ride. It was bad. A lot happened. So anyway, so do dogs have clits? I don't know. You're the Google master here. Well, my cat's a boy, so I play with that dick and nobody gets hurt. He's got a red rocket every now and then. It's very jarring. You're watching Shogun. You're like, oh, he's got an Asian fetish.

I gotta watch that show. I don't know if you'd love it. It's kind of falling off if you ask me. You know what I just saw that was really good on Broadway was Enemy of the People with Jeremy Strong. Oh, yeah. Fucking Michael Imperioli, man. Killer. What's he like? I mean, seeing him in the flesh has got to be cool. Funny to hear him not doing an Italian accent. Oh, yeah. I think it's like a Norwegian play. It's like a, you know, it's...

I think it was written in the late 1800s. Wow. So it's not like he can be like, Tony, I went to this store. I kind of was hoping he would, but no, he's kind of like a Trumpy character. He's like a politician. You know what that play is? I turned to my girlfriend. I'm like, hey, this is kind of like Jaws because there was like this bacteria in the bath, in the water.

and it's bad for the town and they have to do all this work. It would toss the city so much money. They're like, we can't do it. This is like a big tourist season. I'm like, this is like the plot to Jaws. Whoa, interesting. And then I was telling Ron, and he goes, you know what movie that's based on? I was like, what? He goes, Jaws.

I was like, fuck. Hey, good on ya. Hey. Don't you want to turn to your lady and go, eh? I called her. Okay, good. No, Jaws is so good. Oh, man, I got a wreck. I got another wreck. That one's like... Dogs have clits, by the way. They do? They confirmed it, yeah. They have clits? Yeah. Lucky you. Lucky her. Hey, I pet a dog. Why can't I take it a step further? Am I right? Guy who doesn't understand animals. That's a petting zoo. Heavy petting zoo. So...

Yeah, I mean, it was really good, but it's in New York and it is hard to get tickets. I got lucky. But I'll tell you this. We haven't watched Carrie since I was a little kid. I don't think I ever saw it start to finish. It's fucking great, man. Great. Dark. De Palma, man. Oh, yeah. Wait, De Palma did that? Yeah, it's Brian De Palma. I didn't know that. Yeah. I just thought it was a Stephen King joint. Well, yeah, it is. Wow, De Palma, good on you. The mom scares the shit out of me.

She's great. She's a great actress. Oh, man, it's a scary movie, man. Is it period blood? Yeah. Oh, been there. It's pig blood. Oh, it's pig blood. In the beginning, it's period blood. Oh, sorry. Yeah, they kill a pig to put the pig blood on her.

You couldn't just gun fake blood. You had to go to the hospital. It's a lot. Yeah, PETA. Young Travolta. That's right. Hot Travolta. Straight Travolta. Getting sucked off by Nancy Allen in a car. They were such mean girls. All these girls were so mean. I know. Literally, she's like sucking his dick like, will you do something for me? And you're expecting like, you can get a lot for a blowjob in high school. Sure. She'd suck you off. You can get her to do whatever you want. Ruin this girl's life. Right. That's what she wants you to do.

in exchange for fellatio. Well, when you're getting had, you're like, I'll kill her. I'll do anything. I'll pay your college debt, whatever it is. So many good shots in that movie, man. Like, beautiful looking. Oh, yeah. I'm not a huge horror guy, but it's like, I love the ones that are, like, grounded and

You know. Reality. Yeah. And also there's a lot more. I know there's like the telekinesis thing, but like there's a lot there. It's really interesting. Completely agree. To me, it's got to be a good movie. Same with a comedy. Like you want the comedy to be decent, like trading places. You're like, this is a fun comedy or coming to America or something about Mary. Good movie. Something about Mary, dude. Classic. All of them. Speaking of Jaws, you know what Lion King is based on? What? Hamlet. Hamlet.

No shit. Yeah. My dad pointed that out. I was like, shut up, dad. But now as a- Some kids over here then in the theater just start beating the shit out of you the next day. Yeah. That's for your dad understanding. Yeah, but dad dies, kid has to come up and become a man, blah, blah, blah. Give it a go. I think it's based on Hamlet. I might be talking out of my ass. That's cool. But yeah, well- You saw Eddie Izzard playing Hamlet in the village. No. Yeah. Good for him. I think he's Ed-E-D-E.

I think he transitioned. Yeah. So is he still Eddie? Oh, I don't know. I don't think so. I misspoke. Oh, based on Hamlet. Thank you. Yeah, there we go. There we go. It's funny because you think Hamlet, you're like, oh, I don't want to watch that shit. It's so boring. But you put it in a lion and a monkey and a warthog. I'm in. You know what my favorite part of Hamlet was? Was, hold on, let me do this.

I beat you to it? Yep. Well, I know you went right for it. Oh, Wingus. Well, everything's based on Romeo and Juliet.

Not everything, but a lot of things. So much. Oh, man. Which one is, like, remember that teen comedy, 10 Things I Hate About You? Isn't that, like, Tame Into the Shrew? That is. Yeah, it's one of them. Or Twelfth Night or something. It's one of the. No, no. It's 10 Things I Hate. Yeah, that was great. Tame Into the Shrew. So they're doing a performance of Romeo and Juliet in London. Uh-huh. And this Tom Holland is Romeo. Oh, nice. And this actress, Francesca, I'm not going to try it.

Rivers is Juliet. And everyone's up in arms like, she cannot be Juliet. Because she's black, apparently. You can't have a black Juliet. Well, they're originally Italian. Which is pretty black.

Oh, I wasn't going that way. I'm just saying, like, it's actors. I don't know. I don't think he's Italian. Yeah, totally. And whose family is going to hate each other more than blacks and Italians? That's why I thought it was perfect. I thought it was perfect. Well, that's what West Side Story was. It was whites and Puerto Ricans. Yeah. Bronx Tale, blacks and Italians. Was that Romeo? No. No. That was just racist. I want him on here. Can we get Chaz on here? Oh, he would definitely. Yeah. Yeah, it's always Colin Quinn. Yeah.

They do all those videos. What else is Romeo and Juliet? Oh, there's a lot. Probably a whole list. There's a whole list. Yeah. Minus the suicide. We went to see Twelfth Night when we were in school. It was one of those field trips. And the woman playing... I forgot which character she was playing.

But she was like doing a dance and one of her massive tits just fell out of her shirt. Pull it up. Boy, the whole school trip went from like, ugh, to yes. This field trip fucking rules. Wow. I don't remember that. Going to see Shakespeare and accidentally seeing a tit, like that's the day just leveled up. Yeah. Well, isn't it funny? A wardrobe malfunction on a woman is great. On a guy, it's horrifying. We would have probably laughed if it was a guy.

True. But with a woman, we were like, yes. Yeah. Well, my whole childhood was my dad in a robe with no underwear. His dick out. All day long. Black socks, robe, and sometimes T-shirt. So he's like half dressed, but a lot of- That was an old bit. You covered the wrong half. Yes. A lot of ball bag swinging. Those were crazy pendulum he had swinging. You've heard of a grandfather clock. Have you heard of a dad cock? Awful.

These are all Shakespeare? That's what it says. That's pretty cool. What else do we have? Pull them up. The movie O, I guess it's Othello. That's Othello. Yeah. But I mean, yeah. Now, who gets the residuals? She's the man is Shakespeare? Yeah. I think that's Twelfth Night. Oh. Oh. I thought that was about Bruce Jenner. I couldn't get there. What about? That was Amanda Bynes, dude. Oh.

Oh, she's a nut. She was adorable back then. She was, yeah. You gotta feel great if you're Shakespeare. Look at all these, talk about holding up. 10 Things I Hate About You. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what that is. Which one that is? Taming of the Shrew. Oh, we already did that? Yeah, what else? Let's see. Hamlet, West Side Story.

What does that say? West Side Story is fucking great. So good. The music is great. I didn't see the new one. I heard the new one is amazing. I didn't love it. Really? I didn't love it. Yeah, it felt a little too filtered. But the old one's got some race jokes and some sex jokes and Officer Krupke, Krup you. Your father wasn't my dad. That's why I...

Spunk? I don't know. Those are my favorite types of things where it's like the person can't really sing, but they're like, hey, what are you talking about? That's like their singing voice. Exactly. But yeah, good movie, good time. I love that movie as a kid. Which one? West Side Story, the 60s one. That was when they would show you in school on a rainy day, and you'd be like, oh, this is actually kind of good. Yeah, there was fighting. There was men, women. It was New York, that old New York. They were in Hell's Kitchen. Love that.

Funny thing, other ones, like, you know what else they show me in school that's fucking great? Amadeus. Oh! You're, like, going in cynical, like, it's gonna be good, my teacher put this on, but then you're like, fuck, this is a pretty good one. Damn good movie. One best picture. Did it? Yeah. So, Thomas Hulse. Great movie. That's a great one. Remember, he's chasing the woman around with the cleavage, and they're under the piano making out and stuff. Great movie. And that was your takeaway? Yeah.

Well, as a kid, you're like... It's a two-hour masterpiece. Well, you hear Mozart, and you're like, oh, classical music, but then you're like, oh, he's just like us. He was eating chocolate and getting drunk. It was fun. I was like... And he's a genius. Yeah.

That was cool. I know what he means, though. I totally relate to it. Well, you think this guy's going to be a square, but he was fun. Yeah. Yeah, and he was a psycho driven by his work. It's kind of cool. Yeah, that's the thing. We all assume, oh, this guy's royalty, whatever. But fucking Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi for Halloween. Everybody was a kid once. I love that that's your shell that he's cool. Well, he's got a sense of humor. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, he, uh, you want to be like edgy as a kid. Yeah, yeah. Told you my favorite story. What? Best Halloween costume as a kid. Which? Superman in a wheelchair. That's fucking good. That was a hit. That's very, well, it shows off your wit.

Oh, I didn't do it. My friend did it. Oh, that's a good one. I remember being like, now that's a good guy right there. That's a fun dude. I wish I thought of that. Yeah, I really did. Because he's getting a lot of props. Oh, yeah. Oh, he got high fives all day. That's you as a kid, you're seeing a response to a joke.

Yes. You've seen other people praise a guy for making an offensive joke. He took a risk. Good point. That's like you notice that and then you see what Mark's comedy is. No, it's clearly like. Yeah. Interesting. Never forgot it. Influential, right? Very influential.

No, the kids growing up who take risks, like it doesn't always pay off, but those are the ones that you're like, oh shit, especially when it works out. But even when it doesn't work, you're kind of like, I mean, he tried. Yeah, I respect the attempt. There were kids that were always fucking taking risks and...

Some of them were bad. I mean, sometimes a kid just says a slur. You're like, well, that wasn't funny, but he's a bad kid. He took a risk. Yeah. There was a kid in my high school who did the senior prank and he wrote on the other school's football field in manure. Seniors are the shit in manure. I mean, how many dollars was that to get that many gallons of manure to write? Seniors are the shit. You could see it from the third floor window.

Totally badass. Love the guy. It's like if they did a sequel to Carrie instead of Pig's Blood. This time we're doing horse shit. Next year, mule cum. That's a lot of mules. Man, the third Carrie was weird. You just... Beaver pubes? What's that? I wanted that in my ideas. Oh, fuck. Dude, that...

It makes you think it could have been worse. Why is that so humiliating, pig's blood? Just because they're laughing at her? I think it's a metaphor for her having her period. Sure, sure. But it's like... And blood is so visceral and red. I mean, look, it was brutal. Sure. And it just sucks. Man, kids are mean, man. Mean. Also, they propped her up to be the homecoming queen when she really wasn't. That's already making fun of her. Of course. But that kid also... But he didn't know, the fucking blonde kid. He was just being nice. Yeah.

Yeah, I haven't seen it in a while. But yeah, kids, high school got, I mean, it's like jail. There's fistfights, there's mean girls, there's ruining reputations. It's got to be worse now, too, with social media. I mean, you already feel unpopular, but now you have fucking hard stats. Yes, and video. That's tough.

There was a girl in my high school, it was a little dark, but she hooked up with a bunch of dudes at once, and they ran a train or whatever, and then she was like, that was weird. All the guys got questioned. It was like a whole thing with the high school. And now, can you imagine that? That would be like a news story. That would make the papers. I mean, they kept it all in-house, but... In-house. It was a dark moment for this poor girl, and these guys were up against it and all that, and like...

There was no internet or anything. So it was just like, nah, that happened, and you move on. Do you remember Patrice's story? No. Holy shit. Maybe. Go search ONA History. He tells a story. He tells it for the first time on Opie and Anthony, I don't know, 2008 or 2009. He talks about he was in high school, and it was a train situation, and he was involved. And then the girl comes to school the next day. Everyone had a decent time. Yeah.

Girl comes to school next day. Word gets around. Some kid goes up to her like, look, I heard what you did. If you don't do me, I'm going to tell everybody. So now this is coercive sex. This is actual rape, right? Horrible. So her brother was older, comes up to her and is like, what happened? And she says, instead of saying, oh, some guys ran a happy train on me, she has to say, I was raped. So he was brought up on fucking rape charges. Oh, he was in the train. Yes. Oh, wow.

And then in the story, I hope I don't blow it. He's like, that's when I knew my mother loved me and always looked out for me because as soon as I told her what happened, she put me in the trunk of her car and drove me to Virginia to stay with my family because she knew you don't have a chance in hell against a white girl in Boston being a black man and being up against a rape charge. Wow. Wow.

Fucking crazy story. What a story. Yeah. I hope she took him out of the trunk once they crossed state lines. That would be a long... He's a big guy. Yeah, he's a big dude. Damn, that's fucked up. Yeah. Trunk. The trunk. This guy can't lay down in the back seat? The trunk feels a little egregious. Yeah. Get the trunk. Also...

That's why you really don't slut shame, because now you're getting rape charges. That's fucked up. It's all fucked up. All of it's bad. Yeah. Running in a train never seemed fun. No, no. I was never like, you know what I need more of here? More of my guy friends. Right. I was always happy to, for lack of a better word, take a cab on a girl. Boom.

I don't know. Yeah, I was more of a skateboard guy. But yeah, yeah. Take a cab on a girl is funny. No, I mean, on a train. It's like, what is it? I remember you did that.

Yeah, yeah. I guess you were just so horny that you were like, I mean, shit, this is on the table, but it sounds awful. Even threesomes. Like, I had a couple of devil's threesomes in college, and that was weird. You know, you're just like, look at your friend and high-fiving or whatever. The whole thing was gross. The gal was, I think that was her thing. She liked two guys.

Still friends to this day. Do you think your wife would ever let you do that? No. With a guy or a girl? No, I mean, I don't think you'd want to do it with a guy. No, no thanks. That's just a guy fucking your wife. Yeah. It's a bad trade. Maybe Brad Williams. I don't want to come off as the bigger, but no, no. I don't even know if a lady I would want to do...

Obviously, you want to do a lady, but it would just be dynamic. It ruins it. It ruins it completely. It's almost like when we poorly book two guests and you're just like, well, what about you? Well, how about this guy right here? Yeah. What do you think, Justin Wilman? You work in the room? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you got to please everybody here. Yeah. So, yeah, the threesome is a good thing.

I think it's great on paper. It's great in porn. Great in theory. Yeah. Great when you're single. Two gals, I think. When you're young, now it's like work to get hard anyway. You think I'm going to waste a dick pill on another dude? Yeah. What are you, a blue chew man? Oh, I've never done it, but I know I'm getting there. I know it's trending in that direction. Yeah, might as well. I mean, we've got the medicine. Nah, I... Well, you know me. I had a real problem where...

I took Propecia. Yeah. And somebody goes, hey, you know, if you take Propecia, you can't get hard. Hair looks good, though. Oh, thank you. Propecia works. It hangs on to it. But...

They go, you're not going to get hard. I go, and right when he said that, I couldn't get hard. Yeah. But it was only because he said it. And then once I realized it was that, but it was three months or four months as a single guy being with hot chicks naked and going, Propecia, I can't get hard. And they were like, what are you, crazy? We fucked him a week ago. And I'm like, I can't do it. I'm in my head. And then I eventually got over it, but it took some real doing. It's the point of having the hair. I know.

Yeah. But it was all mental. It shows how powerful the brain is. So you're just working it. You're just like, you're like, you know, do this to me. And it's not working. You're like. Nothing was working. It's like a mechanic. And you're like, the car's still not running, man. Yeah, exactly. You know what I equate it to? It's like, you know when you can't sleep and you're like, come on, sleep. The more you think about sleeping, the more you can't sleep. That makes good. That's a good point. Same with the boner. The more you think about it, the more it won't come. Yeah. Or get hard.

Do you still watch a lot of porn or no? I cut back. Me too. Yeah. It's good to cut back. Good to cut back, especially when you're married, then you're like with your naked wife and you're like, hey, this is good. Yeah, I'm present. I'm happy. Yes. But the fucking road, man. Anytime I go on the road. Oh, forget about it. Porn is so bad that I'm like proud of myself when I jerk off with my imagination. Damn, I don't even know if I can do that anymore. You couldn't do it?

I don't know. I'm usually looking out a window. You got a playground. I just found out he doesn't use lube. Is that absurd? Never. Do you? Like half and half. You use half and half? Creamer if they got it. A lot of oat milk. He's at Starbucks. Where's the oat milk?

I'm like 50%, I would say. I mix it if it's there sometimes, but I'm fine without it. Yeah, in a hotel... It's like a treat. It's a treat. If it's Christmas morning. You can't use it every time. Yeah, what am I going to have ice cream for breakfast too? You're going to earn some of this shit. Yeah. You ever do it standing up? Standing mass? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll do squats too. Throw it in with a workout. Weight in the other hand. Yeah, I stand all the time. I'm fucking... I feel like two fucking...

Lazy if I'm laying down. Oh, really? Wait, where does the cum go? I'm sorry, guys. Where does the cum go? I'll shoot it into a hotel sink or something. Oh, you're in the bathroom. It's their plumbing problem. Right. The lakenta shuts down. Sometimes it's fun to shoot it into the shower. Just let it hit the floor. Then you shower and it gets it. Yeah. Adult hotel, obviously. Adult science experiments. Yeah. I'm with you, dude. I'll do it, too. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm definitely a hoteller. All I do is I run the shower, prop the phone up, get the lotion out on a special night, and then... And then you hit record? And then I send it to my dad. No, I'm with you, man. I...

The hotel, how about the pubes? Is that where you do the hotel too? The who? Do you trim the pubes at the hotel? Sometimes, yeah. Leave a little extra for room service? Yeah. In case they dangled around the toilet room? Yeah. My hotel room is just those, what do you call it? Not paper towels. Washcloth. Just strewn about. Because I use it and I just throw it across the room in a fit of... You come in the washcloth? Oh, yeah. What do you do? Kleenex usually. Oh. I feel like...

I feel bad doing the washcloths. If someone's washing that... I hope they're washing it. Maybe they're not. The best Western, you're like, oh my God, this is hard. My face is bleeding. An aged facial. Yeah. Yeah, well, it exfoliates, I guess. But no, I'll jizz in the washcloths and throw that in the shower. And I make sure to dampen a little. You know, get the jizz out. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want it to dry. Fuck. How about at home? What do you jerk off in? Sock.

Old sock. You just have one sock? Well, I go out in the hamper. Or a shirt. I'll take a shirt. And then you wash it and you wear the sock again? Yeah. That's fucking weird. What? Matt, do you hear this? My socks are completely... You go into the sock and then where's the sock? Yeah. I wash it. He washes it. Clearly, I hope he washes it. I take a sock out of the hamper in a rage of passion. Jizz. Put the sock in the hamper. Like no paper towels in your house? No. No.

That's very desperate. He's technically environmentally friendly. I'm green. Yeah. Greta just got what? Hold on. Stand by. I got a pick for you. Of Greta? Yeah. Oh, geez. Don't pull that up. We're going to get flagged. I think she's 20-something now. Oh, yeah. She's 22. I checked. Wow. Geez. Not a flat earther.

Get the age on old GG. You know. Or GT. I think it's 22. All right. Why did they put her next to Scarlett Johansson? I think it was a tit off 21. I think it was Sydney Sweeney. Oh, Sydney Sweeney? She's the new tit lady. I mean. Tit for tat right here. She's got like a Jessica Rabbit thing going. Oh, completely. The face isn't amazing, but with that tit and face, it's pretty great.

She's got a pretty face. That's very pretty. But I'm saying if she was not busty, I don't know if we'd know her. Tits are cool. Ha ha.

There's a t-shirt. Tits are cool. I'm a fan of tits. I like tits, too, and tits are making a comeback. I feel like the ass had the spotlight for a good two decades. There were people that were like, I'm an ass man. That was a big thing. Oh, yeah. It'd be like, I'm an ass man, and it was not weird. And they were proud of it. Yeah. But tits, I've always been a tit guy. That's a classic. I mean, asses are great. Don't get me wrong. Are you tits first on ass?

Well, here's the thing with the ass, and this is a very sexual episode. We got Dr. Ruth coming in. Yeah, I'm sorry about this. I don't know if she's still, that's an old reference. Is she alive, Dr. Ruth? Okay, good. Wasn't she like a Holocaust survivor? Oh my God, I was just typing Dr. Ruth tits. That's a different kind of training. Hold on, now I gotta know if Dr. Ruth's a Holocaust survivor. No wonder she's so horned up. She's not bad here.

Salacus is horny as fuck. I know your type. People who look like you. It's like, look into the mirror. Holy shit. Oh, that's bad. All right. It's Holocaust? Oh, hold on. All right. My joke got stepped on. I'm sorry. It's a different kind of train. They ran on her. It was worth the wait. She doesn't like fucking in the shower. Holocaust.

She's got a butt in the oven? Okay. Holocaust survivor. Yeah. Holy shit. Fuck you, Mark. Yeah. Look at that. Good for her. How old is she? Yeah, she must have been. 95. She's still alive? Still alive. 95. Holocaust was 40, 1940, 41. Could be 38 to. Yeah, true. Wait, how old was she born? She was born in 28. 28.

So she's a 10-year-old in the Holocaust or a 13-year-old? Yeah. Or 10 to 14. That's wild. We got to get her on here. Yeah. I want to read her Holocaust diary. It's the good stuff in there. Oh, yeah. I like to play in her attic and basement. But what the hell is that talking about? Oh, the ass. The beauty of the ass. I think the ass, I like tits and I like ass, but I think the ass is more important because the ass is indicative of the shape of the body.

You can be fat, skinny, whatever, with big tits, but I think the ass has the waist-to-butt curve, and I think that says a lot more about the entire hourglass figure. Does that make sense? Yeah, it works. I think you can get more out of a woman by seeing her ass than you can with tits. You know what I think is most important, though, is the personality.

Yes, brains are good. Brains are most important to me. Yes. And how much they give to charity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And... Yeah, I like feet. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I don't love feet. Adam Kroll had the best feet line. Somebody goes, what do you like? You like a woman's feet? I love women's feet. He goes, I just look at feet as something that holds up the tits. I was like, that's dead on. But yeah, I don't love the feet.

I don't care about feet. I'm not against feet. Yeah, feet can be cool, but they're not. It's weird that people are just into feet. It's so weird. Those people have got it made because there's feet everywhere. Yeah.

Just saying. You can't really tell the age of a foot. Oh, my God. So I'm watching Gerard Carmichael's new show, whatever it is. HBO? It's on HBO. It's called, like, the Gerard Carmichael reality show. Yeah. And it's sort of a documentary about his life. He fucking meets a guy on Grindr on the show, brings him to his apartment, and just starts sucking his feet straight away. Oh! Yeah. Wow. And it's all on film. Wow. Wow.

Man, gay guys. Gotta be. Just what a great lifestyle. I mean, you could do that with a chick if you were single. No, I think there'd be some coaxing. There'd be dinner. There'd be dinner. No girls ever hear you after the show. Let me come to your room.

Rarely. And even if they do, you got to go, oh, you want to watch Netflix and chill? You have to do all these lines. You want to watch Gerard on HBO? Oh, my God, this is crazy. Yeah. Oh, he's in his undies and everything. Jeez, Louise. Yeah. He is taking a turn since the Gerard Carmichael show on NBC. Yeah, he went from multicam to this, huh? Yeah. Because I was watching this, this popped up on my TV as soon as it turned on, this shot, and my eight-year-old was like, hey, yo. Pfft.

Hey, yo. You got to put a filter on that kid's laptop. His eight-year-olds were in the same outfit. Just Smurf underwear. The thing about the gays, though, is they don't do all the bullshitting. They just get right to it. No gay guy has ever said, where's this going? You know where it's going. It's going to my ass. Yeah. Just saying. There's a lot less... Games? Games. When both people...

are just horned up. Yeah, even when women are horned up, there's games. Sure. You know, and it's exhausting. Because they know there's a value of the veg. Value of the veg. I feel like Tom Cruise in Magnolia. No, but there's like, you know, there is like, they know that if they put out too quickly, that like maybe the guy's like, I don't want to. It's like you're giving away your hand. I know, but what if they want to get laid?

Yeah, and also like the girl I'm dating right now, I fucked her the night I met her. Same. And we're dating. There you go. So how about you pick up the personality? Yeah, so if you have a good personality, I'm in. Yeah, that's all we ask for.

I had a bit about it. I don't want to go into my old act, but it's like, hey, you didn't call after we had sex. And you're like, the best part about you was the sex. I hung out with you. You were boring. And I know that's harsh, but you're like, you got to work on that part. You worked so hard on your looks. You went to the gym. You got your hair done. You got an outfit on. You got shoes on. You got cleavage. You got jewelry. Yeah.

Get a story. Get a knock-knock joke, something. Yeah. No, I hear that, dude. If I don't want to hang out with you, that's not my fault. I know that's heavy, heavy stuff. No, it was funny. You go on dates, and as a dude, sometimes you'd be out with someone, and you'd be like, this person's bringing nothing. Nothing. And I'm fucking crying. And then it turns into a thing where you're just like on. Yeah. And you're like, well, it wasn't a bad night, but it was like a hell gig. Yes, it was a hell gig. So I had to turn around.

Tough crowd. And you had to bring it. And then they're like, you don't want to see me again? And I'm like, I can't go through that again. It was too much work. I had a joke idea. I can't really make it work yet. But I had an idea about, I was out with a girl once. And she goes, I have a flip phone. And I only take pictures on disposable cameras. Because I just think it's better if you have to wait for it. And I was like, wow, this is going to be a bad night. I walked through the door. And she goes, are you going to call me? I said, all right.

Then I'll send it with a carrier pigeon. I'll write it with a quill. I think there's something there. I like that. What were you saying, man? I have breaking news. Oh, geez. So I was looking up Gerard Carmichael's feet. Yeah. And I found a website called WikiFeet. Uh-oh. And you type in a celebrity and you see if they have any feet photos online. Oh. Mark Normand. Oh, man. WikiFeet.

I'm all over it. You could catch a salmon with that thing. Oh, yeah. I got talons. Look at this. That's me and Ari doing yoga. Hilarious. That's me at my wedding because my shoes hurt. Crazy. People are fucking... Oh, my Lord. That's an old pic of you, Mark. That's a classic. That's old. Yeah, a lot of these are really old. Jesus. Hey, I took that pic. That was in COVID. Yeah. Hey, there's no feet even on that one. Wait a minute. Doop. There they are. You guys look nice. Yeah, yeah. She was really killing it. Man.

Oh, jeez. Look at those fucking skis. He's drinking a beer. I love this guy. Yeah, fully loaded. That's crazy. That is weird. Look at the gap. Dare I type in your name, Sam? Yeah, put Sammy in there. Oh, I didn't even spell it right. Two R's. I did it right. Autocorrected. One L. No results. Boom. I don't think I've ever posted a picture of my feet, ever. Let's do it today. Today is the day. Let's see the hoof. Come on. Whip it out. Here we go. This is some basketball feet, too, everybody. Watch out.

I'm eating here.

All right, now send $20 if you want to see the left foot. Have you heard Dina's joke about that? No. About the guy asking her for feet pics, and he was offering her money, and she goes, well, you send the pic first. She goes, you're the creep in this transaction. I feel like you should have to pay first. Yeah, yeah. You know? Feet guys have got it made. I've always said it. Yeah, I guess it's easy. You could find it of any, but that's what turns you on. But you know what's weird is I feel like boobs turn you on because...

They're covered up. Oh, good point. I feel like if you just lived in a strip club, you probably wouldn't be that turned on by TNA. But who else do you look up? The Yvonne. Ah! The fucking gayest picture I've ever seen in my life.

What is he doing? Where's he feet? Dio, what is this? This answers the question, what if Brokeback were gayer? Swampback Mountain. Look at this guy. He's on the water here. Holy hell. Oh, he's getting a gyno. There he is with Farley. All right, that's a sandal. What a feet pic. Oh, he's hiling.

All right. Throw on, who else would be on there? Throw on Tim Dillon. Oh, God. Or Shane. I don't know if Shane's ever taken a shoe off. I don't think so. I'm a New Balance sneaker or whatever sneaker on the beach. I don't like sandals, really. I don't either. I'll do a slide. That's the only sandal I like, but I hate a flip-flop thong in the toe. I can do actually a flip-flop. I can do sandals. I hate the one that goes in between the two toes. That's what I'm saying. I'm not into that. Anything with the toe in between. No, thank you.

It hurts. It hurts. Yeah. Give me the slide all day. How about the ones, remember those old Adidas ones with all the pork hip-hop things? It's like massaging your feet. I'm like, yeah, I don't think it is. No. I had those because I was broke and that's all I had. I still have them. I love them. Oh, but you get used to it. Yeah, you get used to it. It takes a good five days of walking on those spikes, but you get used to it. You get used to it. Yeah. You know what? Socks and slides are in.

Is that so? I don't know if they're in, but they used to be unacceptable. Like you're wearing socks and sandals. My dad would be like, you're a geek. I'm like, I'm getting fucking necked by my dad. That was like a German thing. Like socks and sandals. All right, dad, I'll fuck you. Yeah. Now I see kids wearing socks and slides all the time. And I'm like, what? That was a no go when I was a kid. Yeah.

You were going to pick up cools at the liquor store. Cools. But now I see kids at comedy shows with socks and slides on. That's weird. Not kids, but 25-year-olds.

I guess young people kind of dictate what is cool. Young and black, I'd say. Yeah. They invent all the slang. The slang is so impressive, I find. Like some of the ones that really nail the feeling. What's a new one? What's a new one? Well, like some are stupid, like the Riz. I hate the Riz. That's short for charisma. Yeah. That's no cleverness there. The Riz? Yeah, but. There's one in Ohio. I don't even know what it means. Ohio? Yeah. Look it up. Okay. Okay. I've never heard that one.

I don't know that. It just means a fat loser. What the hell is Ohio? It says, it means, are you good? Are you Ohio? Yeah. What is that? I don't get it. Why is that? I don't get it. Let's see. Hey, hey, we might be drunk. It's brought to you by Helix. Tired of tossing and turning all night? I know I am. With a Helix mattress, you'll be sleeping like a baby. These mattresses are top of the line with 20 different options to choose from. Whether you sleep on your back, side, stomach, you got to stay comfortable.

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This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long with Helix. Better sleep starts now. What about Cap? Oh, sorry. Weird or creepy. Oh, that makes more sense. Weird or creepy. Yeah, where does Cap come from? I don't know where it comes from, but it means a fake. It's a lie. Yeah, that's Cap. Yeah. No Cap. Is Cap like maybe you're covering up that you're bald or something? Is that a lie? Oh. I don't understand what's Cap. It's probably short for another word. I'll look it up. Yeah, okay. Okay.

Well, this is the most fucking sad. Old white guy pod. Trying to decipher slang. Yeah. Well, everyone's wondering, but we're all too scared to say that we don't know it. Ooh, you're going to like this, Mark. Okay. As early as the 1900s, to cap meant to brag, exaggerate, or lie about something. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that funny that it comes back up?

Damn. It all comes from rap. I think rappers say it in a song and then people catch on.

Like bling bling. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's New Orleans, by the way. Bling bling. Yeah. And that got into the vernacular. Like politicians were like, he got his bling stolen from the whatever. And you're like, hey, it made it all the way to the White House. It is funny when they have to say it sincerely. Yeah. Bling. Bling. Bling is good. Your honor, that's cap. Yeah. Yeah.

i did not touch that woman that's cap yeah what's another good one extra that guy's extra that's good yeah he's a lot oh he's extra he's extra i feel like you know what's funny is back in the day was it like you know black culture started saying like oh he's stupid but that doesn't mean he's stupid i mean like funny right right or she bad yeah i mean she's hot what about spill the tea

That's a good one. Spill the tea. Yeah, like let's hear the tea. The gossip. The gossip. Spill the tea. Because women get around in tea circles and start gossiping. Spill the tea. Tea really took off. Yeah, some of those old ones from those old movies like...

It's like another language. I mean, it kind of is. Yeah. It is, yeah. What's touch grass? I don't know. It means like he needs to come back to reality? Yes. That makes sense. Get a grip. Get a grip. Touch grass. That's a great one. Get a grip. That's kind of philosophical. I mean, get a grip was one. Get a grip. Yeah. That was my joke about the arthritis guy. I made an arthritis joke, and he goes, hey, I have arthritis. I said, get a grip. Kills. Kills. Yeah. I don't love the abbreviation one. If you know, you know.

I mean, that's all text shit. Yeah, it's all for if you know, you know. Yeah. Well, we didn't know. Yeah. We felt left out. I had to look it up. All right. Well, welcome to Boomer Hour. Yeah. Good to be here. We should have a fucking croquet right here and two walkers. Cardigan, a pipe, and a newspaper. A little espresso. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think about the newspaper? Because you look at those old photos from the 40s. Everybody's reading the newspaper on the train. So phones aren't that crazy because it's just the newspaper of the day. Problem is we don't know what you're looking at. That's true. Think about newspapers. You're like, this guy might be taking a photo of me. Yeah, true. Phones can do email. Porn. Porn. Yeah, twerking video. At least the newspaper was news. You're reading an article. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I take it all back. My mom used to read so many magazines that she would put them in a bag and then give them to another friend and she would give her her magazines and then she would read those.

Is that insane to think about? Where do you see... I mean, magazines are falling off. Even at the airport now, there aren't as many as there used to be, which is kind of... I kind of like the routine of grabbing one at the airport. That was like my flight thing. It was nice. You could flip through it, kill some time. You're the dentist now. I mean, where else do... Oh, yeah. Who still has magazines? Yeah. And they're always the worst, Matt. You're like In Touch from 2008. I don't care about Pierce Brosnan at the beach. Yeah.

It's always like, I love those. See, that used to be conspiracy theories is like those kind of like Star Magazine. Yes. But like you only, now with the internet, you're nonstop on them. You used to only see them as you were checking out of the grocery store. The Inquirer. Yeah, but now, well, yeah, back in the day. Michelle Obama is, she's heading to Splitsville with Barack. All her girlfriends already know. And you just be like, fuck, they broke it? Yeah. Then there was the weird supernatural shit like-

This boy was born with bat wings. You just look at it like, ah! Yes, that was it. Yeah. And then they kind of went both ways. It was like a celebrity drama. And there he is. I remember seeing that kid on covers. What is that? Weekly World News. What happened to that kid? Three State Chase. Oh, my God. That was at every checkout. Good times. Turns out it was just some autistic kid that had a weird photo taken.

Bad Boy Found. What is this, kid? I don't know. I think it's obviously doctored. Is it Cap? Even The Simpsons did a piece on it. That's great. The Simpsons called it Final Four. Man, The Simpsons is good. Oh, boy. The Simpsons was such a great show that really brought people together on one day.

So fucking good. Yeah. Those oldies. I know. You know, it's funny. We talk about the things that we had the Ed Sullivan show, the whole country watched, the Beatles played, and the toilets flushed at the same time. But now we have that with, hey, look at Lizzo quit. Or, hey, look at- Caitlin Clark. Caitlin Clark. I don't think anyone was into that. Yeah. So we still have our- 18 million viewers. And then at its peak, it was at 24 million for that game. Wow. Is that right? That's pretty crazy. Wow. That's a lot of people watching. What was it about that?

She's really good. Yeah. Threes. I mean, she's sinking them. She's just really good at basketball. I mean... And it's helping women's ball, for sure. Bringing a light to it. But I only watch the highlights because you watch a full...

college women's game. No, it's fun, dude. We're going to games. All right. All right. It's a good time. There's a lot of missed layups. Dude, the women's was more exciting than the men's this year. The men's was fucking boring, I thought. What? The NCAA. Oh, the NCAA. I love the NBA. Don't get me wrong. I was about to say.

Yeah, it's weird because it feels like college ball for women is fun and then professional for men is fun. Well, Diana Taurasi was complaining about it. She was like, you love us when we're really young and like what we could be, but then when we're at our absolute best in the WNBA, don't give a fuck. It's like OnlyFans. Yeah. We like the college years. Somebody write that down. Mark said something to me. It really didn't shake me, but I was like, oh, fuck.

He was having a conversation with the A-list comic with a friend of his. And he said, man, I don't know if this was your best special or whatever. And the guy took offense or whatever. I'm not going to give names. I don't remember. But then Mark and his friend said to the A-list, well, you have 10 specials.

one's not going to be the best one and one's going to be the worst one and there's going to be eight in between. And then Mark said, oh shit, this is going to be me one day. Someone's going to rank my shit. So your last special might be your best special, who knows? Or your next one is your best one. But it's going to be a ranking of your specials one day. One has to be the worst. One has to be the worst one. Yeah, but I also think, you know... No one wants to hear that. Yeah, no, I mean, thank God to be that lucky to put out that many fucking specials.

I mean, that's pretty cool to have that kind of body of work. Like you just hope that, you know, it fluctuates a little and it's not like a steep drop. Yes. That's the point. It's like, you know, if you're fourth and you're seventh or your best, that's cool. You don't want to be like your first and your second and then six, seven, eight, nine. You're like, oof. Yeah. Yeah. We did it gently. Gently. Okay. I gave a bad version. I think what happens is to a lot of great comics, maybe they put one out that's not killer and,

And then they're like, I know that wasn't my best. It's going to light a fire under me. Yes. And I'm going to put out a really killer one. I completely agree. You just, look, you burn out. We've talked about this. I think there's no way around it. You're going to burn out. Yeah. And a lot of people peak and then they, I don't want to say they get lazy, but they like. Sometimes they get busy. They get busy and they get put off the gas. Yeah. But they're so hot that the agents like put something out. So they put that out. So there's a lot of factors there.

Oh, shit. Well, I can say it. Bleep it, bleep it. Okay. But we were on his private jet after he filmed the special, and he was so excited about the special that he started passing a whiskey bottle around. So me, List, and...

Not list, but we were hitting the... Leap it twice. We were hitting the bottle. Now we're drinking in the story. And we were like, man, we were quoting because we were so excited. We were blowing him like, that bit was amazing. That bit was amazing. List was back on the sauce. He was so happy. Yeah, he relapsed. And then it came up like, oh, that one wasn't as good. And, you know, the booze was kicking. It was a long flight. And then he was like, what? We're like, well, it was good. It just wasn't what that, you know, it was all fine.

Because that actually happened to me on a photo shoot where the photo editor said, do some classic Salacuse photography. And I was like, yeah, I will. And I told it to someone. They were like, that was an insult to you. And I was like, why? I was like, that photo editor was saying your best days are behind you. Do some of your best work. I don't think that's an insult.

I think that's like, this is your staple. This is kind of like your classic style. I don't think that's saying like you're not good anymore. If he's saying this is your classic, then you have the gear to still access that, right? Yeah. I mean, like you'll sometimes be like, that's an old school Sam joke. It doesn't mean like my new shit sucks. It's just like, you know, you have a style that you kind of get known for. Exactly. And sometimes you grow. Sometimes you, you know, go into something different.

Better or worse. Who the fuck knows? But when I say classic, I mean that's very indicative of your style. Yeah. Boom. That's a signature bit. That's a staple. But I don't think – I mean I think – I know which of mine aren't as strong and which are stronger. It's like – I think we all know it.

It's just maybe when someone else says it, it's kind of like, you know, especially a friend, you're like, wait, you see, it's almost like being seen naked. You're like, wait, you saw that, you know? But even George Carlin, you know, he put out 14 hours. Yeah. There's a lot of shit and there's a lot of great. And it,

Some specials have half shit, half great. Some have 90% great, 10% shit. You know, they fluctuate. Yeah. As any artist does. Anyone who makes anything. Think about filmmakers. Think about novelists. I mean, it's like if you're putting out a large body of work, some of that shit's going to suck. Yeah. I mean, you go through Tarantino.

He's got a pretty solid list. He's pretty solid, but you could say the hateful eight might not be a Jackie Brown, which might not be a Pope Vic, which might not be a Hollywood. You know, you can do this all day. Yeah, you play with it, yeah. And it's all subjective, too. That's the thing. It's like some people might think your least favorite special is your best. That's true. And maybe you reach some people with that one that you don't love. Right. Maybe, like, that got you a new fan. Yeah.

who's now with you you know so i think ultimately it's just good to be prolific and the and the comic you're talking about is one of the most prolific ever yeah yeah and one of the best ever obviously and apparently coming back yeah so now i've really given away who it is who cares he's fun he knows we love him yeah yeah yeah he's a killer um so there you go folks uh

Cosby's coming back. Still got it. I think he is coming back, by the way. I think he's touring. Give it a go. I think he's got dates up. Cosby's touring? I believe so. As I always say, if you go to that show, you better bring a pillow and a butt plug. Yeah. Because you're going to be- No events scheduled. All right. He does not have high ratings there, does he? Oh, no, that's his about. I thought that was five stars for a second with two Ns. Legendary family funny man, Bill Cosby. Ha ha ha.

They haven't updated that one at all. Oh, no. Oh, man. What is that, HTML? Yeah, I actually saw him in Jersey.

14 years ago, and it wasn't great. I fell asleep. No pun intended. No joke. Funny, back in the day, you would have been fucking crucified for saying this. I know. Now people are like, good. Yeah, I know. But, I mean, I heard he was unbelievably good live. Oh, excuse me. Upcoming dates. Aha, he's overseas. Germany, Stuttgart, Cologne, Hamburg, Berlin, Nuremberg. Auschwitz and Dachau. Oh.

All right. He's all over it. Germany's really embraced him. Wow. Interesting. They have a weird art scene in Germany. They really do. Berlin's getting hit hard over. Yeah. Over Gaza stuff. A lot of people are losing grants. It's like a really fucking really. There's a New York Times article about it right now. It's by Jeffrey something. I forgot his last name, but it's like it's it's interesting. But that's weird. He's like got to save haven in Germany.

Damn. You know what's weird is that this is a I'm throwing a Hail Mary out there. But as comedy goes up in booming arenas and following all this shit, money feels like journalism is going down.

And they're having to be more salacious, more scandalous with the headlines and whatever, the hit pieces. Or am I wrong there? I don't know if you're wrong. I mean, I don't think it's comedy necessarily. I think it's that there's so many places to get news now. It used to be like...

just this is the paper yes now it seems like everything's an op-ed and with that it's like less news i mean i think that's the rise of cable news is that like they merged it with entertainment so that becomes hot for a minute but then at a certain point you're playing with fire because where the fuck do you go you're feeding one base yep that base is going to change over time so then you have to change yep it's not just the death of journalism i think it's a death of like i don't want to say the word like fake news but like

Alternative news. You know what I mean? Alternative news is going away, you're saying? I think it's like... I would say that's going up. Because cable feels like it's diminishing a little. Well, that's what I'm talking about, cable news. Oh, okay. No, I think like... Yeah, I think being a journalist is really tough now, especially if you want to be a good one. I know, I know. I think about like, it's got to be worse and worse paying. Yeah, yeah, well...

Now you can have like an online sub stack. I think people read less. Like think about what people are spending their time. They're just like scrolling tick tock and shit. They're not like that's time. You see people be in front of like a paper or something. And now you're just like, yep. A hundred percent. Although listen to a podcast about the news, but that's at least run by like some papers. Like the New York times has a podcast channel, right? Like the, you know, other, uh,

Other newspapers have that. But yeah, no, you're right. I mean, they have to invest in other things. And if you're a journalist and you're bad on the mic, that could fucking hurt you. Yeah. But is there a news that's just straight news? Not like opinion, right, left? For a minute, Al Jazeera was. But they got rid of that in the U.S.,

Really? Yeah. I mean, every... It was a bit slanted. Every news company in America is slanted. Yeah. That's weird. Just tell me what happened. Like, people have gone to local news because they're just like, this guy got robbed. But that's slanted too. Is it? But it's just not talking about hard-hitting shit. So the PBS NewsHour does this and nobody watches it because it's too fucking boring. Well, there you go. Is that right? Yeah. A guy getting shot at a bank is boring? Yeah.

Well, they don't do that news. They do world news. But people are just like, this is just factual. I could get this from a blog post. I don't need. I want to hear what you think of it. Tell me what to think of it. Anytime I see weather still on TV, I'm like, man, your days must be numbered. Oh, yeah. Because I'm still fucked. I can just look at her phone. There's a person eating up air time with this shit? I know. I know. Well, sometimes it's a smoke show of a lady in a tight dress. That helps. That helps. But, yeah. But also, you only really look.

You only really want that stuff when it's a disaster, when it's a hurricane. True. Remember the old days of the news? Like,

Some guy's over in fucking Darfur with a helmet on. He's like, I'm out here. There's wind blowing. And a fucking bomb goes over his head. You don't see that guy. People were doing that in Israel. Oh, are they? Okay. Jesus. That's ridiculous. What are we doing here? You know, it's 27 degrees, but I'm not upset about it for some reason. Yeah. I didn't even notice the temp. Yeah. Good golly. Jesus Christ. That is a tight fit. That is...

As Mark said, an hourglass figure. Yeah. I mean, this one's not. This outfit's ridiculous. That's a yoga thing. Oh, no, it's a dress. He liked it. Oh, my God. What a caboose. Oh, this is a, this is calendar. This is a Hispanic. That's why. They can still get away with that. Now we got fucking Al Roker.

Not exactly. I'd like to see him throw one of those Fs. Oh, now that would be comedy. That's Big Mama's house right there. Is he still alive? Yeah. Roker? Roker's alive. I love Al Roker. Do you? I just think he's always smiling. He's a breath of fresh air. He's like the opposite of Al Sharpton. I had a friend growing up, and she was throwing up on the street once. She was so drunk, and Al Roker walked by her with his wife, and he goes, well, that's just despicable. Whoa!

Imagine waking up hungover and being like, did Al Roker call me despicable? It was probably Fat Al Roker too, wasn't it? Yeah. This dude shamed her. I miss Fat Al Roker. Yeah, well, you'd be missing him more if he stayed fat. That'd be funny if he did your friend puking but did it like the weather. We got a forecast. He's gonna have no future and hangover tomorrow.

You got any peeves? I got peeves. I got a peeve. All right, hit me because I got to look at mine. So I'm texting my girlfriend the other day. I say, hey, are you coming home after work? And she goes, why?

What do you mean, why? Because I'm strangling prostitutes and I don't want to get caught. What do you mean, why? Because I want to know if I'm going to see you or not. Wow, that's funny. I hate the annoyed suspicion. Yeah. And I'm just asking a very simple question. Hey, when do I see you next? Yeah, and it's a nice thing. I know. It would be weird if you were like...

You're not going to be home, are you? And then she's like, why? That I get. I'm trying to get rid of a body, yeah. Yeah. No, that's no good. What do you got? I'm with you. Now, this is something that you do. So I wrote it down instantly. Not the end of the world. You're not bad at it. Some people are worse. But how about this one? You get the text from a friend. Yo. And you go, yeah. And then they tell you the thing.

Oh, they rope you in? They rope you in. Because they want, like, because they're going to, I get this, because they're going to ask something annoying, and I want to make sure they have you on the line first. I'm Al Roper. Yeah, you're Roper. Wasn't he a movie critic? No, I was doing Al Roper. I know, I know. Richard Roper. There you go. But...

You can't rope me. Your text has got to be interesting off the jump. You can't rope me in. Yeah. So I don't like the rope. So tell me in the future what the text should be. You go, what are you doing tomorrow for lunch? Why? That's it. You can't go, yo, what are you doing tomorrow for lunch? Because now you got me on the hook. Ah.

I know you're there. I know that you're there. Hey, you just want an immediate, what are you doing? Yes. Get right to it. I'll only do the, what are you doing tonight, if it's something great. Okay, yeah. I'm only going to put you on the line because I hate that shit. Yeah. So now what I do is you write, yo, and I just wait. I wait for the second one to come in. I'm not giving you the satisfaction of the rope.

I got my parents tickets to the Broadway show. I said, what are you doing Tuesday night? Oh, that's nice. That's different. Yeah. But of what are you doing Tuesday night? I need someone to drive me to the airport. That's different. Right.

You rope someone in, it's got to be good. There you go. That's my rule with that. Yeah, because there's a booker who always does bad shows, and he hits me up with like, hey, my man. And I'm like, I'm not answering that. I get so many of those people who are like, what are you doing? And it's always like months out. What are you doing September 15th? I don't fucking know. What do you mean, what am I doing? I know. And how about this one? What are you in L.A. next?

I don't fucking know. And when I know, I'm not going to tell your ass because that means I have to do your thing. The fact that you don't know is good for me. All right, I got one more and then I'll let you go now and then I'll go. I just did one. All right, let me see if you have one. Let me see if I got another one.

Oh, this bugged me today. I got a tea. I already had coffee. I'm like, I'll switch it up. I'll have a tea. The allergies are getting me. So I get a tea. First off, it's $4, which is like pretty steep these days. For a cup of water. Yeah. And then the screen comes up, the tip screen. It's automatically on a $2 tip. I understand the option to give $2, but now I'm an asshole if I move from the two to the one. Totally. One. I'm giving none. None.

I'll give fuck these people. 25% is a nice tip. For a tea? For a tea. All you did was pour water on it.

Yeah. But I gave the two. I got guilted into the two. You have to give the two. What could you do? Or else you're a pariah. But I think that's a dick move to put it on. It is. Like, you know. Very dick move. When I was banging, you go to a bar, you get a whiskey, you give a dollar. Everything was a dollar. You got to pay. I mean, things change. You don't want to be one of those older people who's tipping what you tipped when you were young. I guess. Things change. I thought that was a decent. I feel like a dollar was almost a lot. Like, oh, you open a beer, I give you a dollar, and I pay for the drink.

Now it's like I was with the wife and I was like, well, what do we have? Four drinks? She was like, well, you got to tip 20%. Each one of those drinks is $9. I'm like, I'm doing 20%. You know who never does this shit? Immigrants.

And that's why we hate them. No, no, that's why we fucking love them. Oh, I love the immigrants. Because you never see them doing, like, 50% tip for opening a fucking jar. That's true. You know? That's true. They do the job, and you pay for the job. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm down to throw a tip. I get it. The coffee, the barista thing, I'll throw a tip. But, like, the expectation of a 50% tip to me is...

Is annoying. I agree. And now you're tipping at the airport, by the way. You buy an airport at LaGuardia. You go to a Hudson News. You buy a bunch of shit. And there's a tip on there now. Yeah. At the airport. You're talking about when you're swiping it yourself? No, no, no. When there's a lady. Oh, okay. But I'm like, this used to not tip. And now I'm tipping you. I used to have a bit about it. I had an old bit about how there was a fucking... There was a tip at the coffee place. Uh-huh. There's your tip. And it was...

It was a self-service pour. And I did it. I fucking gave in. I always give in.

How long until we're tipping on the airplane? You know, you get the lady with the cocktail and you go, here's an extra dollar or two for the soda. They deserve tips. Those are the people that deserve tips. Don't get them. That's true. That's a fucking, that's a tough job. And what they're doing is actually very difficult, I think. Well, you're going to cause terrorism. If you keep hitting the tip, if you keep upping it everywhere, there's going to be another Al Jazeera. She goes, where's the tip? Ups! Blows up a plane.

I forgot about the Dynamite Fest. I haven't seen that in a while. All right, this guy's annoying me a little on the peeve front. You're good.

You ever have this guy? First, I had this one in the elevator. This is all elevator based. I'm in a hurry. I got my opener downstairs and I go, we're meeting down in the lobby at 630. And he goes, great. And this guy's punctual. He's always on time. So the elevator toast to the punctuality. Agreed here. Here you're a rare breed. So I had 628. So I go, great. I got some perfect time elevator and I get this guy. I'm on the 10th floor. I'm trying to get to the lobby.

Stop at 6. Hey, what are you going to do? Some other guy gets on. Still 629. I'm going to make it. Holds the door. Hey, Charlie! We're in here waiting for you.

waiting for you and i hear i hear charlie's in the hallway going hold it i'm coming and i'm like i was gonna make my 6 30 right on the dot and now it's gonna be 6 31 6 32 and then he goes he's holding the door he goes hey what are you doing tonight now he's trying to be chummy because he's holding the door so i go i'm going to a show and he goes uh oh what show i go i'm going to see a comedian i don't want to tell him i'm a comedian so he's like oh who's playing i he goes the little guy

The little guy and I go, Brad Williams? He goes, oh, that guy's fucking hilarious. I love Brad Williams. Oh my God, I hate this guy. He's a lot. When he said, what are you doing? He said, avoiding small talk. Now hit the fucking close button. I know. So I'm doing this. He's doing this shit. Charlie finally shows up. He's got two cases of beer or whatever. He's smoking a cigar. He's a fucking asshole. He gets on and he goes,

What are you doing? I go, I'm going to a comedy show. And he goes, don't ask. It's not Brad Williams. He says that to his friends. I'm like, who the fuck are these knuckleheads? So we stop again at this other floor. Now we're on three. So I'm way over time. I'm late. We get on. The new guy gets on. And he's taking a minute. And the door won't... You know how just sometimes it doesn't close? So the guy, Charlie's friend, is just going...

And hitting the door close like 800 times. Door close, door close. I don't love the door close button guy.

If you're going to hit it, hit it. Guy's got an anger problem. He's got a problem. Guy's always hitting it. You're like, all right, it's not fucking working. Yeah. So we waited on his ass and him and Charlie and their beer and the Brad Williams. But now the door's taking too long, so he's pissed. So I just hated this guy completely. And I got down there at 633 and I apologized for it. This person's a peeve. Yeah. He's a whole peeve. But it was quite an elevator ride. I hate when you're right about to be on time and something happens. Yes. It's a peeve, too. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

When you're just like, you plan it perfectly and something goes wrong, like the train's down. I was late to like a memorial recently because the fucking train was down. And it's all the way on the Upper East Side. Like, I don't want to fucking... What am I going to cab? It takes forever at rush hour. Anytime I have to do anything at rush hour, I've like based my life around not having to do shit at rush hour. 100%. Guys who are about to leave and deal with rush hour. 530. But...

But yeah, so whenever I get hit with it, I'm like, oh. People do that every day. I know. Twice a day. Fuck. The commute. You ever done the commute in rush hour? Oh, my God. I got in a cab this week.

rush hour the fucking meter started at ten dollars i saw that 650 for whatever and then 350 to start the cab and 650 for surcharge that's how it is now just getting in the cab is 650 plus three plus yeah i looked at the guy the other day charged me five dollars he pulled over he fucking lowered the windows like 20 tip i hope you tipped yeah you beat me to it but yeah the cabs are crazy and then you go this is why we take uber

Yeah, but I can't do it. I'll stay with the cabs. Yeah. Fucking hate the Ubers, too. They'll do it, too. They'll get you, too. They'll get you. They'll surge you on the rainy days. They'll surge you on a mass shooting. You're trying to get out. There's a surge. There's a lot of people who are asking for us. The driver's name is Surge, too. Oh, you fucker. Wait, what are we, period sync up over here? You're not even a comedian. I got to step it up.

What is this, the shit bag? Yeah, it's a shit... She's got a fucking... Her name's Winnie, by the way. But... No, I gotta... Yeah, she was supposed to go. You saw that walk before. Something was fucking out, but I don't want to be late for the pod, so...

Old Wingus is holding a deuce. I thought she was about to drop on Vince McMahon. That was quite a... Man, I watched WrestleMania, man. It was fun. Oh, really? My lady likes it. I was like, it's fun, man. She's a keeper. Any lady who likes WrestleMania is a good egg. Oh, man, The Rock shows up. What? Undertaker, John Cena. It was pretty crazy. What?

Who's who? It was pretty fun. Welcome to the Rock. I respect these guys, man. They're fucking putting their body on the line. It's crazy. Oh, yeah. And The Rock went on against Biden. No, he just didn't go for anyone. Didn't go for anyone. He, which is, I mean, you know, is anyone like, I'm not voting until The Rock comes out and endorses someone. Who did Stone Cold endorse, you know? Yeah.

It's like, you know. Well, I will say his tequila is pretty damn good. It's not bad. It's pretty good. It's better than Clooney's. You think so? I think so. What's it called again? Start with a T. Casamigos. No. Oh, Terramana. Terramana, yeah. You love Clooney's, I thought. I'm over it. I read a whole article about how much it's got additives in it. And I talked to a tequila guy and he was like, it's shit. I'm not trying to besmirch. I'm not pulling a rogue in here.

But I just think Rock's got a good tequila. Yeah, I think you know who's got a good whiskey? Us. You got that right. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, folks. You hear that gaffe again? Get out of our turf.

Yeah, what's going on here? I don't know, but it ain't a riot, I'll tell you that. Who made this horrific Photoshop that should be strung up and chopped their feet off? Oh, the French. The Orson Welles rules. I was talking to Winston Churchill's wife. I was in Milan talking to...

I couldn't think of an international leader. How is it? Any wrecks or what? Well, I've been enjoying Manhunt. All right. I may want to check that out. It's a great premise. Apple's got so much shit now. The premise. And I'm learning a lot about American history just by watching it. I got to watch it. The Secretary of State and Johnson. It's basically like MAGA versus TV.

And it's a lot of similarities today. It's fun. Everything repeats itself. It's amazing. It really does. So, yeah, Apple TV, Manhunt, John Wilkes Booth, Running Away,

They nailed it. He shoots him in the back of the head. You know the story. Oh, yeah. Six Semper Terraness, he yells, death to tyrants. Yeah. And then he jumps onto the stage. And he's an actor. So, you know, it's like Brad Pitt. Yeah, he made it. Now he's famous. So now he's hiking through Virginia trying to get away from the Popo. Damn. On a broken leg? On a broken leg. Because he jumped off the balcony onto the stage, broke his leg. Break a leg? Ooh.

There we go. I never put the, you know where that comes from? No. You ready for this? You know when you're at a theater and there's a couple of mini curtains before the big curtain? Yeah. Those are called legs. When you break through that leg, you owe this money. That means you're going to get paid. So it's like break a leg, get through the leg, and get on that stage. You're getting paid. Give it a go. I love it.

I might have pulled that out of my ass. If you made that up, I totally believed it. Some grip told me that, and I bought it. Some director told me that it means, it's a stage phrase meaning, may you break a leg with the number of bows you have to take. Now we're going to find out who's right. All right, all right, here we go. Let's put some money on it, huh? All right, what do you got? I'm going to go off this grip. Get a grip. Do you have anything? I'm going with Wilkes Booth.

Oh, we've got a three-way here. Some say the term originated Elizabethan times when instead of applause, the audience would bang their chairs on the ground. And if they liked it enough, the leg of the chair would break. I think this is a push. The most common theory refers to an actor. If they liked it enough, they beat you and raped you. That's how you know you gave a great show. And you would sometimes break a leg when they assaulted you. There you go.

Well, then I heard if you say have a good show, that's bad luck. Or something. Say good luck. Don't say good luck. Good luck is bad luck, they say. Yeah, so they say break a leg. But also, I'm like, if someone says have a good set, I'm not a psycho. Other plausible theories. The term break a leg may refer to a performer bowing or curtsying to the audience. Oh, break a leg is a bow when you...

Have to bow You bend your leg maybe Oh okay And break sounds cooler Than bend a leg Yeah Everything in showbiz Has to be violent You don't You know You're killing You're murdering You're slaughtering Crush Oh and here's Mark's here The edge of the stage Is just beyond The vantage point Of the audience Forms a line Imaginary Or actually marked

That can be referred to as the leg line. Okay. All right. We're both right and we're both wrong. All right. There you go. I love a good origin. We're half in the bag. We got shows today. Cut that part. Yeah, yeah. Cut me asking.

Thanks, folks. Get some Bodega Cat. I'm all over the road. Who knows when this comes out, but I'll be in Minneapolis, Madison, Bloomington, Evansville, L.A., Coachellic Valley, Victoria, B.C., Vancouver, Royal Oak, Michigan, Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Indiana, West Palm Beach, Fort Myers, Beantown, Boston, Munhall, PA, which I guess is Pittsburgh, Seattle, and Spokane. Punchuplive.com slash Mark Norman, also slash Sam Murill. Yeah, punchup.live slash either of our names, both of our names if you could. Be great. I just added the Brea Improv, June 7th through 9th.

The Miami Improv, June 13th through 15th. June 22nd, Atlantic City with Chris DiStefano. And June 27th through 29th, Rochester, New York at Comedy at the Carlson. You can get my tickets at samorell.com or punchup.live slash samorell. Get your bodega cat. We love you. Thanks for listening, guys. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Praise Allah. It's time for lunch here at noon.