Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]
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We're rolling? Let me tell you something. These Levain cookies, have you had these Levain bakery cookies? Levain? No. I mean, pull up a picture of what these look like, Matt. Yeah. A little too highfalutin for me. No, no, dude. I mean, yeah, they're like fancy cookies that you wait in line for. And I'm not going to wait in line, but...

My girlfriend Postmates them. Oh, yeah. So it's like, this is what girlfriends do. They just fucking take, they're able to have two bites and move on. And they order like 14 cookies. And I'm like, oh, cool. I'm the one with no willpower. I'm going to eat all of these. Yeah, yeah. But the oatmeal cookies from these are like fucking scones. Oh, it's too much. It's all bread. It's a block. But it tastes great. Yeah. And the oatmeal one is not too sweet. It's like the, dude. Oh, my God. Look at this. It's like porn. You're going to cum when you eat these. They're insane. Oh, man.

But they're like the oatmeal ones are on another level because I love oatmeal cookies, but they make them too sweet sometimes. Yeah, that's true. The subtlety is the key to the oatmeal. But the oatmeal raisin is the transgender of chocolate chip. They surprise you with the raisin? Yes. Yeah. Well, with nuts. But I've been fooled too many times. We're like, hey, a chocolate chip because it's got the brown, you know, chip, but it's a raisin. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but that looks amazing. Jesus. I got to say they're excellent. And so then we're in Texas. I did a corporate there and then we were there for, I stayed for the memorial of her friend. She gold bellies like three boxes of these. You know what gold belly is? What's gold belly? You can just get like literally anything. You can get like a Peter Luger steak in like Kentucky. Oh, I thought it was a term for a fat Asian. Yeah.

You know, there's Gold Belly over here. All right, sorry. But it's... Gold Belly? You can order like Pepe's pizza from New Haven when you're in like Florida. Oh, wow. It's an incredible idea. So I've never done it, but she does it for the... So she orders like two boxes. So I'm like, more of these fucking cookies. I take it away from these cookies. I do a benefit at the garden. Guess what's in the gift box?

Levain fucking cookies. You can't escape them. They're killing me, these cookies. They're hunting you down. They're chasing you. They're good cookies, though. Yeah, but I wonder if you say she can eat one bite and put it down. We can't do that. But is there a heroin addict who's like, I'll take one hit? Is that possible or do you have to just take the whole pile? I think they exist. I think there's people who have like, I have a friend who tried crack and he's like, not for me. I'm like, I didn't know you existed.

He's like, no, it's fine, but not for me. But I knew a guy who, I don't know if you ever met him. He used to come around the shows. This guy, Adam, and he was like a degenerate gambler, like a chess savant. Like he was ranked number two in the country as a kid. He was like, you know, there's always something off about these guys. Yes. He's in a bow tie on TV as a child, you know? And then he becomes a drug addict and he's in Washington Square Park hustling people for money, like, you know, for Coke money.

total nut but uh every smart kid is a drug addict because they're all too smart they all look like they get bored they get bored that's what it is it's like um uh rounders everybody grew up with that worm everybody grew up with that kid who's like charming as fuck super funny cool as hell and he's like come on we got a game over here with

the cops. We can take them and then you end up getting beat up. Basically De Niro and Mean Streets. Everyone has that one like piece of shit friend. But they're fun as shit. I'll tell you the worst part of the piece of shit friend. Their piece of shit friend. You ever have them bring that guy around and you're like oh my god this is like unbearable. Well it's all the charm. Not only the charm but with all just the degeneracy.

You want to tell them, like, no, you were my limit. Yes. You're the furthest. No, this guy was, anytime I do a gig in, like, AC, he'd just be there. Yeah. Vegas, any casino gig, he just happened to be there. Right. He'd just look at my schedule. He's like, someone I know here. He'd be shit-faced. Yep. But, yeah, he's the type of guy who would call me, like, yeah, I just, I smoked crack last night. And I'd be like, you've got to not do that. And he's like, no, I'm fine. Ah!

I'd be like, well, clearly you're not, I know you're like not addicted yet, but like it's not a good thing to do. This kid's got rage. Crack and chess. Yeah. That's a lot of range. But I had a kid growing up called Hunt. His name was Hunter. Shout out Hunter. His brother used to beat the shit out of him. He was a tough kid. His dad's president. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. He was worse than Biden. He was like crazy kid, fist fighting kid, whatever. But he became the treasurer of his college just to use the money. So he'd get strippers. He's getting strippers and hookers with college money and buy and blow with the college's fund. That's kind of legendary. He was legendary. I mean, he was a psycho and a nightmare to be around. What's his last name? I don't want to say it. I'll bleep it. I just want to look him up on LinkedIn. He's not even in the room right now. I just want to see what he's doing.

Okay, I'll look him up. But like one time we were at a house party and there was this kid we didn't like there and he goes, hey, Greg, let me fill up your beer. And I look behind me and Hunter's filling up his beer with the keg with his dick in the glass and we're all laughing and then Greg sees it and he tackles it. So now we're in a big melee, but that was him. No, that's not him. That's not him. Oh, shit.

You got to go Louisiana. Now you got to bleep and stand out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk about it later. Yeah, we'll talk later. But he, I mean, this guy was a finagler. He worked for Domino's, so he'd steal credit cards. He got the credit card numbers. Now he's buying fucking hi-fi speakers.

Not him either, but you're getting closer. Yeah, this guy does look like more of a piece of shit right here. Yeah, he had that haircut. That was the swoopy... The Lego? The Lego. Echo by Lego. All right, sorry. What were we talking about? I'm sweating. I ran here. No, that's not him. Well,

do it later. I ran two in the rain. Yeah. I hate the rain. I hate it. You know what? Here's a peeve. The people who are really slow walkers in the rain. I know. Now you're having to sprint around people. It's like an obstacle course. Not to mention the umbrella points are coming at you. It's crazy.

It's like on guard or something. I hate these people who are kind of trying to get their way. Mark and I, for whatever reason, we refuse to do umbrellas. I don't like the umbrella. I don't do it either. It's an extra thing to carry. Exactly. And you're going to lose it. And then what happens? Someone calls me. I have no free hands.

Good point. This guy's got to have a black coffee. You need the coffee hand. Coffee and phone. I'm back on coffee, baby. Whoa! You all serve a glow. Look, I'm still hurting, but I have been drinking, and I've been back on coffee. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to eat. There's no spicy foods yet. That'll be the last one. All right, all right. Well, how many a day?

Coffees? I've had a few. Oh, jeez. You're back on the wagon. I'm back, baby. Okay. Damn. Juan Valdez over here. You should try crack just once, though. I should. I kind of... I'm curious. Are you not curious? Crack? Yeah. I'm sure we smoked it just like back in the day by accident. You get a bad weed strain or something. A little sprinkle. Yeah, it's on the corner right now. We live in Manhattan. Oh, yeah.

I saw a guy doing crack yesterday, actually. Really? Yeah, in the village. Just see it. He's just in like a doorway, just sprinkling crack, and he had the little pipe and everything. Vintage, man. Like a throwback. It was nice. David Cross came in here and said I was in London, and my friend was doing crack, and I was like, I'll just do crack. That's right.

What the fuck is that? But he said, I get it. He's like, I smoke crack. He's like, I get it. I get why people do it. This is fun. I guess that's worse, though, right? Like, it's better to smoke and be like overrated. Yeah. Because at least then you're not going to keep doing it. If you get it, those are the people that get hooked, I think. That's true. Although he didn't. He didn't. But you got to think Pepsi. Pepsi does nothing but advertise all day, every baseball game, every commercial. Crack. Crack.

No ads. Still killing it. Every year, we can't get rid of crack. Sells itself. Sells itself. That's a good product. There's really not much like that. No, no. How about this for an idea? This is a curveball. Why aren't advertisers... You know, we have ads on buses, Ubers, back of a cab, baseball game. Every stadium is all ads. Cleavage. Cleavage.

No one has bought cleavage space. Untouched. This would sell more ads than anything. Wow. Come on. You're not like a random woman, or are you a poster of cleavage in the ad there? You meet a big-breasted lady. You know, you meet like a Red Bull girl. She'll give out Red Bull. She's cute. She's got a tight Red Bull outfit. I'm talking a sticker that says Clorox. Ha!

Right here on the cleavage. You got a hot lady. Every guy's turning. Every woman hates her. I think someone's done this with tattoos. Yeah, but that's so permanent. No lady's going to sign up for that. Yeah, but how much is cleavage worth if it's just one woman in Cleveland for a fucking day and a half? It's got to be permanent. Cleavageland. Yeah, that's a good point. It's got to be a permanent tattoo.

And then you're like, all right, if you agree, and it's got to be a warm weather climate. You can't be in the winter. What's the point? True. But what about this? You hire a woman for a day to walk through Wimbledon. Hey, Robert, get in here, buddy. Hey, man. Hey, here I come. Good to see you. Sorry, we're in the middle of a heated debate. Go for it. And we've also never met, so nice to meet you. Such a weird way to meet. How are you? How are you? We're big fans. I'm a big fan.

Sorry. I'm a little... It's got to fight it out. We were just... I don't know if you want to slide right into this. Let me slide right in. I think it's a fair debate. He says there should be ads on cleavage. There should be ads? Well, there's ads everywhere. And I'm saying you'd sell more product if you hired a woman to just write Clorox on her cleavage. Because we're all looking anyway.

But it's got to be, I'd say if you do it, it's got to be a permanent tattoo and it's got to be a warm weather climate. Well, but what if their logo changes? Ah. That would be problematic. What logos have changed really? Logos change. Coca-Cola was all different before. No, same, but UPS changed. Maybe not Coca-Cola. UPS. Bad example. You know what? It's a weak argument. You're right. Not great. Well, here's my thing. You hire a lady to walk through a crazy Coachella, a

a wimbledon anything where there's a soccer thing especially like those remember that woman who used to run onto the baseball field uh at the all-star game morgana i don't know yeah the kissing bandit the kissing bandit you guys are too young i remember this yeah morgana the kissing bandit she had enormous boobs and okay he had if she had plastered a logo on the pepsi

At least it would have. You've got to be famous. It's got to be like on Lizzo's ass. No, she was famous for doing that. But they blank her out, though, didn't they? No, there she is. Oh, there she is. Wow, yeah. See, that caught my eye. I'm in. Reasons. Back then, baseball was above that kind of thing. Right, right. But now, gambling, betting apps. Yeah, when you think about this Shohei Otani thing, that's crazy, right? Yeah, I mean. He's just lying.

I assume. I mean, you know, I'm not I don't speak fluent Japanese. I'm assuming. I'm not watching Shogun. But if someone took 4.5 mil out of my account, I'd like to think I would know. Yeah. The whole the whole thing of. Well, also, didn't the guy do a whole ESPN interview where he basically outlined the whole process and then he had to walk it back?

Fill me in. He was betting? He has to pretend a guy who bet $4.5 million of his money. A guy first claimed that the money was...

To pay off his interpreter's debt. Yes. That was his first claim. And then it became, no, no, he stole the money. Yes. I think that was still illegal for a baseball player to pay off a debt. Exactly. Like gambling. So then they changed the story to my interpreter embezzled $4.5 million from me and I didn't know and he bet it.

And I was completely unaware. If he gets off, Pete Rose should be back. Exactly. Well, it depends. I mean, because if he didn't bet on baseball, then that should be okay. Yeah. Given the fact that sports is now polluted with ads for gambling apps. Every ad now is DraftKings, FanDuel. They should be banned. Honestly, I think it's okay to have gambling apps, but commercials for them? What if they're on Cleveland? Well, in that case...

We were pumped to have you on, man, because, I mean, I did recently watch the Hulu doc, the Dana Carvey show. Oh, it's great. It's killer. You were great in the Nickelodeon doc as well. I'm not that old. Right. I'm only 25 and I was exploited.

But, you know, Zach and Cody were really fun to work with. It was worth it to work with Zach and Cody. The occasional hand down my crotch was worth it. By the way, we didn't introduce our guest. Robert Smigel. No, we care. We're fans. I mean, if you know Triumph, the insult comic dog. This guy. We heard you like Moon. SNL. I'll have one if you have one. I'll have one. Okay, sure. Here you go.

Oh, is it twisty? Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Hey, no pressure. He's got an ulcer. I'm fine. Oh, no, no. Oh, look at that. Halloween. I was just trying to fit in. We're the ambiguously gay duo. Last Halloween. No, I saw that. I heard about that. I was very flattered to see. And you guys are...

You're not packing quite as much as the characters. Oh, yeah. Those guys had some units. No, no. You need to. It's without shame. It's the one costume where you can stuff your crotch without shame. Yeah. Because that's the whole thing. We're not going to put ads on those crotches. They won't sell.

Yeah. I don't even know if that would be frowned upon now, if I did that cartoon now. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. What was that, like the late 90s on SNL, that one? Yeah, late 90s. But the joke was supposed to be how obsessed we are with anyone's sexuality. Yes. It's just so stupid. Well, the He-Man, I mean, it was all gay-

from He-Man, you know? All those 80s cartoons were super homoerotic. Yeah, and the Schwarzenegger movies. Yes. Predator, and then Batman became homoerotic, like by the third one where they were panning down to George Clooney's. Yes! The nipples on the costume. The nipples on the costume. So that's where... That Clooney one was pretty rough. That's where that came from. Was that the one? That wasn't the one with Mr. Freeze. Yes. Chill out. Ha ha ha!

Uma Thurman, she was pretty fucking hot in that movie. Boys in Ivy, yeah. But Mr. Freeze is worth the whole movie to me. I mean, come on. Just all the bad puns. Weren't there a million bad puns? A million. But Batman Forever was pretty bad, too. Which one was that? That was the Joel Schumacher. Were they both Joel Schumacher? Yeah. I mean, he went campy as hell, which I respect the effort, but it just was so... Val Kilmer was... Yes. Yes.

It was too neon and weird. Yeah, that one sucked. The best one was the second one, I thought, with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito. Returns. She was so hot, yeah. Oh, the lick in the face. That was a good one. Whew.

The new ones were good, though. The first new one was awesome. The Nolans. Yeah. Well, the Dark Knight. Yeah, that was awesome. I mean, they took a campy TV show from the 60s and made it like a noir film. Well, actually, the campy TV show from the 60s, you should watch the 1966...

Adam West, Batman. I own it on VHS. Oh, you do? The bomb? Yeah. I love that movie. Sometimes you can't get rid of a bomb. Yes, yes. That movie, yeah. The music's great. Cesar Romero is amazing. Burgess Meredith. Adam West. He's a joker. It's one of the funniest performances I've ever seen. So funny. And they utilize that on The Simpsons.

What? Adam West. No, on Family Guy. But he was on The Simpsons, too. I think he's on both. But he became a regular on Family Guy. He played the mayor. You're right. Mayor Adam West. But Conan and I wrote a whole pilot for him. Really? You guys haven't done your research. Ah, son, here's the bomb. It's okay. This movie is so ridiculous. It's great. It's great. It's great.

I know. Does he know he's bumping? Yes, he does. Okay. Look at the high steps. Yes, yes. He's leading with his knees. He knows it's going to be. How about the shark propellant? Shark propellant in the first season. I swear to God, it's one of the funniest movies ever. He can't throw it there because they're making out. It's like a silent film. Exactly. It's like a chap. And Batman really went a different way. Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

They really changed it up. I like fun Batman. I mean, they're both fun. I know, but now every superhero is just brooding. Yes. Has a dark side. Yes. Except for Deadpool. Deadpool was great. But then they start to try to copy Deadpool too, right? Whatever works, they copy. But...

Yeah, I'm kind of actually, I'm not a big superhero movie guy, but the new Deadpool Wolverine one, I'm like, that could be kind of cool. Yeah, Iron Man 2. I'm looking forward to that. Those are the fun ones. Some zingers, yeah. But can we go through, let's just go through the resume for the folks at home, because you got the- Do we have time? I mean, this guy. You were at SNL for a while, right? Yeah, I'm really old.

I started in 1985. Oh my god. I know. Were you even born? 86. 83. Yeah. I was around. 1985, Lorne Michaels came back.

He was gone for only a year, right? I think he was gone for almost four years. I think 80 to 84 he was gone. Just make sure it's not my wife. And that's when they went. It's Walgreens. Oh, pick it up. Pick it up. Hi. Let me ask you something. Is it rude to interrupt a podcast by picking up the phone? It's

It's not. Oh, great. It's a new hard skid all of a sudden. 85. That's right. Talking to Abe Lincoln. So you start there in 85. That's crazy. I started there in... I thought that was Don Ulmeier. Let me turn off the goddamn... Don Ulmeier. Is that a Palm Pilot? What the hell? It's a black belt. It's an eight. It's an iPhone eight. And I'm paranoid about brain cancer. Is that a jitterbug? No, there's a company called...

Ah, fuck it. I don't remember. Yeah, okay. But it'll protect you from dangerous blah, blah, blah. Me and Rob Schneider talk about this all the time. Did you guys, you haven't seen my show, the Triumph special. Have you heard about this? I've heard about it. I haven't seen it yet. Oh, fuck. I'm a big Triumph guy. Because Schneider's on it, and I got to make fun of him. It was really funny. What do you say to him?

Can you pull up the commercial for the Triumph video? What's the title of the show? It's called... Well, the name of the clip is You Lucky Bastards, New Triumph Special Coming or something like that. But yeah, it was a game show I do called Let's Make a Poop with Triumph where it's basically like Jeopardy. I shouldn't say that because they'll think I'm stealing. Yes, yeah. Let's just take a look. You'll see. I'm kidding.

Is that Michael Winslow? That's Michael Winslow. Great progressive city of San Francisco. And let me state that I will not tolerate hate speech. That's right. I will not make jokes about any of the ethnic groups you all priced out of this town. That's back approved.

Adam Savage, everyone! The guy from Mythbusters. Sure. Wizard on Mythbusters. Jim Gaffigan was terrible. Seriously, I have to ask you, is there anything you can't build other than an appealing Tinder profile? Here's Schneider. Rob Schneider! Hey, Rob, honestly, thank you for coming out so soon after the holidays. I know you like to spend January 6th with your family. I can't believe it.

- That was my favorite line of all time. - Weird Al, yeah, come back! - Oh, wow, Weird Al. - Weird Al. - You are beloved by nerds everywhere. Think about it, Weird Al. So many people kept their virginity to your music.

- Oh, wow. - You don't have to show the whole thing. - Kept their virginity as gold. - Do you write all these? - No, no, God no. I'm not a standup like you guys. You guys are amazing. - But you're a joke guy. - I'm a joke guy and I'm a sketch writer and I've written a lot of shit, but I have help with triumph. Always have help 'cause it's like, the jokes are so dense.

Beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like you going to Comic-Con, the Star Wars opening, I mean, that shit is legendary. I rewatched that like twice a year. Oh, Triumph in... What's the hot dog place in Chicago? Oh, the Wiener Circle. That was fucking... Yeah, yeah. Those ladies, they... I always called it organized racism because it's like this one place in Chicago where...

These black ladies behind the counter are just hurling abuse at the yuppie white clientele and they're throwing shit back. And it's just like sport. And so I always wanted to go there. I always wanted to go there with triumph. Perfect. And when Conan went to Chicago, I wanted to do it with Conan and Conan didn't want to do it.

I wanted to like stick up for Conan. Yeah. And he didn't want to do it. He said, I'll just be mobbed and it won't be fun for me. So then I thought of Jack McBrayer. Oh, the whitest man on the planet. Yeah, and also like the sweetest persona. I don't know if he was going to be in a red hot. That's brilliant. I'm talking to you.

I'm letting you know I just want a hot dog. Do you want to try this thing? You slow mother fucker. Mustard and ketchup, please. This is what they do to everybody. Yeah, but you got to get him in there. He comes in as triumph. You got to get. But this is hilarious. This was a novelty then. Now this is every Walgreens in New York.

You know what they say. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? That's perfectly natural where he comes from. His sisters used to tease him mercilessly, especially during sex. That's not true. You know why you guys work for tips? Because no one would stick the whole thing in.

God damn. That's amazing. At least that guy's laughing. Yeah. No, no. They were totally into it. They're obviously in on this, right? They love the attention. Yeah, yeah. They knew we were coming, and they just played it up. He nailed it, too. He kept the awesomeness. That's from our failed sitcom. Then I was like, let's do a sitcom together, Jack. Yep. And it was on Adult Swim. And they hired me to take that picture.

That's right. I took this photo. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, full circle. How you doing? Jeremy told me that. Jeremy produces my specials. Yeah, I love Jeremy. Whatever. You can call them specials. I put it on YouTube that let's make a poop thing.

Because I didn't, it went really well. It's one of the best shows I've ever done is Triumph. Yeah. But I couldn't sell it and I didn't even bother because it was shot kind of raggedy. So I just figured, Sam did it, I'll do it. Yeah. That's how I discovered you. Really? On YouTube, yeah. We did YouTube specials, yeah. Yeah, yeah. How many did you put out on YouTube before? A couple. A couple?

Okay, two specials then we did that like mini doc. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah I did two YouTube specials which is like it's still like Unless now sometimes you can get certain words They're now moving the goalposts in a little but there was a period where you're like, holy shit YouTube is the place to be while less but yeah when I first did a YouTube special people would bring me on stage as Like you've seen his YouTube special and it would get a laugh. They thought that the right was like, right and

because it wasn't like a cool thing exactly no but then but i was like yeah but i've got them on comedy central no one's seen those so you know right no everybody saw the one on youtube same with mark i mean mark's mark and i we did like the same few months yeah and it was like you know yeah i don't know how to get people to watch i just have this shitty like triumph the insult comic dog like page

But I don't do enough on it to like, I don't do enough on the web in general. Well, this will get you an extra 10 views. Thanks. That's why I'm here. Yeah. That and the free beer. Yeah. But I mean, fuck the industry. I mean, look, I know you did the rounds, SNL, Conan, the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. But you got to try to pitch shit. I mean, you have such a great resume and it's still hard for you to sell a show.

Don't you get sick of that? That's why YouTube is so great. It's great, but I would just like people to see this. Was it you and Conan who wrote that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie idea? Yeah, that's the Hans and Franz movie. That's what I was saying.

Yeah, that was Conan, me and Carvey and Nealon and Nealon. And we just we just read from it this summer on Conan's podcast. Yeah, it was nice to at least have people hear excerpts from it. But yeah, that's like some of the some of the stuff that I've written that I like the most.

is stuff no one's seen or heard sure sure it's really frustrating that that movie was one of them yeah yeah that was a great sketch i have that with women i've fucked some of the best some of the best i'm like i wish people could have seen that you know and not just the dudes you fuck yeah you can't even put that on youtube for free no they flag it but

What about those old Conan days? Because I know we've established you're an old man. Very old. I watched Conan in college with my eight jerk-off buddies and the masturbating bear. What was that guy who would try to sell you jokes and go, paper or plastic? Paper.

Oh, yeah. Brian Stack. I can't remember the name of the character. That guy was my favorite all-time character. Traveling salesman. Traveling salesman. That guy was number one. But, I mean, that shit meant the world to me in the year 2000. Oh, that was a big one. That was a bit I came up with before Conan. Wow.

I didn't know that was yours. Yeah, yeah. When I thought I was going to be fired from SNL, which was the summer of 1986, I think, I go back to Chicago and I'm living...

in my old apartment with Bob Odenkirk. Yeah, there you go. Look at that. There you go. Name drop. Bob Odenkirk. Boink. Where'd it go? And so Bob and I were like, fuck it. I'm not going to get hired. Franken called me over the summer and he was like, yeah, it's not looking good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Al Franken? Yeah, Al Franken, yeah. Our worst guest yet. Worst one. What? That's our worst episode. What was he like? What was the problem? I don't think he liked us. Like a wet blanket. Yeah. Yeah. He has a way of letting you know if he doesn't like you. Yeah. He let us know. Yeah, we knew. We were aware. But yeah, so it's decoding. Years. Yeah, yeah. So I thought I was going to be fired. And so Bob and I were going to do another sketch show together.

In Chicago. And one of the first ideas I had was for in the year 2000, because I thought like I grew up watching like the Jetsons and shit. And so we thought the year 2000 was going to be all space age. Yeah. And the closer we got to it, the funnier it became that it was just not going to be anything. I mean, 2001, a space odyssey was a big part of like. Good point. Getting that.

you know, mindset on people, but, uh, even Y2K, remember that? That was a big, well, that's, yeah. And that was already 19. Now by then we knew that. Yeah. But yeah. So that sketch, um, and so then we ended up doing that sketch. Conan got hired for SNL. I got, I got, I stayed, I got Bob Odenkirk into SNL.

i got him hired and then conan separately came from harvard of course and and we all bonded and and then there was a writer's strike in 1988 and we went back to chicago and performed all these sketches that we couldn't get on snl uh-huh we did like uh the chicago super fans the bears started wow i didn't know that yeah yeah yeah so i just found out today that you're in this skit

Yeah. We're one of the guys. I'm one of the guys. I'm the fourth guy that nobody knew who the fuck that guy was. That is so...

There's funnier stuff, but whatever. It was... That's great. No, no. People still use that... People still call the bears da bears. Da bear, but... But that... Catchphrase that won't die. I mean, this goes with, like, the Eagles fans. Oh, yeah. You can put it in anywhere. That's why it was so relatable. That's why it was popular, yeah. Remember that Eagles fan that ate poop at the Super Bowl? Remember when they won? Yes. And he just grabbed the horse poop and he's like, he's going to eat it. Yeah. Dude, you...

You won. That really happened? Yeah. Fucking gross. Eagles fuckers are crazy. They're crazy. Eagles are... Philly fans are on another level of crazy. They are on another level. Chicago fans are very funny. Is this it? Oh, is this it? Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh. What is it? Horse shit? Yeah. Oh.

That was me at a corporate in San Antonio last week. And he didn't even lose a bar bet. He's just doing this. That's how COVID started. That's how happy. That was so fucking gross. That's crazy. Yeah. I remember when the Bears won way back, 1986, I think. I remember just watching the CNN coverage on Rush Street in Chicago. And there was a guy wearing like aviator shades wearing

With a Ditka mustache. And he just, all he was doing was, he had a hula skirt on. And he's just like, bears. Bears. He's got a really serious look on his face. And he's just a fat guy doing a hula dance. And so I made Farley do that on the show once. I remember that. With Michael Jordan. Yes. I got to do sketches with Michael Jordan. That's insane. Actually, I got to do sketches with Tom Brady, Peyton Manning,

Brett Favre, all the super fans shit. Yeah. Are you a sport guy? Oh, insane sports guy. Okay. What are your allegiances? I see the shirt. Well, I like all... My dad raised me up to... This is the Dr. J Nets logo. But my dad raised me to root for... I lived in Manhattan, so I rooted for every New York team. Hell yeah. Everything in the New York area. Now I have preferences like the Mets.

It's hard to root for the Yankees. I think the first game was tonight. It was supposed to be. It was rained out. There you go. It was rained out. But the Knicks, I know you're, I saw you. Hardcore. Huh? I'm a hardcore fan. We were in the game the other night. We went Monday. You went Monday? Yeah, me and him. He got us in. Nice. We were giving Chenzo 11 threes. That was crazy. I watched it with my son. So I just found out recently that those celebrity row things are for free.

I never let that out. I just all these years, I never even thought to try. And then somebody got me on the list very recently. So I went, I was at Saturday's game. Oh, that's a big one. With, with against, I can't even remember. Against Brooklyn. Yes. Against Brooklyn. Yeah. Not a big one. That was a big win though. It was fun. It was fun. And, um, and I actually brought triumph, uh,

because I'm an idiot and I just thought it would be funny to see Triumph. And so they took a picture of Triumph and posted it. That's awesome. Of like Triumph and me just watching the game really seriously. And now-

No. Oh, damn. No. I want to put Triumph on the Jumbo. That would be huge. Yeah, yeah. I want to do that. They should get you to do something for the playoffs, like insulting other teams as Triumph. Yeah, no. Now they want to tape me doing some Triumph stuff. Got to do it. That would be huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did make the Jumbo a couple of weeks earlier. And everybody went, who? And it was just like, who the fuck is this? Yeah. Yeah, that's what we get too. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of humiliating. It's kind of funny. No, it's literally like- They thought it was Pete Sampras and-

Chris DiStefano is telling me the first time he went on, he was with his dad, and they put Phil Collins on first. Oh, jeez. And then they put Phil Collins on first, and they go nuts, and then they put Chris on, and everyone's like, who? Hey. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Fume. If you're trying to give up that hand-to-mouth habit, it can really be tough. Luckily, Fume makes it easy. No electronics, no charging involved. It couldn't be easier. Fume just uses air and natural delicious flavors like white cranberry and crisp mint. Fume.

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Yeah. Justin, everybody. Nice to meet you. Hey, how are you? Finally. This is Justin. Hello, Justin. Robert. Robert, it's very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Have you guys met each other? No. I have not. I don't think so. Worlds are colliding. He's a comedian magician. I know. You know him? Yes. Oh, okay, great. Aware. You're aware. I'm aware. He didn't say, oh, there we go. Look at that.

There he is, courtside with Triumph. This is Triumph. I don't know if you knew that there, Justin. I'm a big fan of Triumph. Oh, thank you. And now Leo. Oh, my God. Love it. You should be the fucking great person. My son loves it. They didn't see Leo? They haven't. Adam Sandler and Bill Burr. Oh, the animated. It's for the kids, but it's not real. Thank you, buddy. We appreciate that. It's really great. I'm kidding. It's all good.

I love that Sandler's doing a character and Burr is just Burr. Exactly. Sandler is a character. I wanted Burr for the movie. He's a bitter old turtle. And Sandler, yeah, Sandler was like, buddy, I want to do the Bernie Brillstein voice, buddy. Yeah.

I was like, okay. I had pictured Peter Falk, but go ahead. That was number one in the world, wasn't it? Oh, this movie did amazing. Who was the voice of the teacher? She was so good. Oh, the mean teacher. The mean teacher. Cecily Strong. I can't believe. That's right. I saw that. Unrecognizable, right? Unrecognizable. She's one of the best ever. She was at the game on Monday.

That's right. I saw that. I'm so scared of Bill Burr. I saw him two nights ago and I'm a huge fan, but you know, he's prickly and I just went up to him and I go, Hey, Billy goes, Hey Mark, what's up? And I go, uh, P Diddy. I didn't want to have a lull or anything. Your fear turns you into, you get Tourette's. Yeah. I just was like, Oh, what's in the news? And,

And he was like, huh? I can never tell. I can never tell with him. I know. Likes me or not. Exactly. That's how everyone feels. I saw him at the thing the other night and he, I guess you asked him to come on the podcast. And so out of the gate, he goes, I can't do the podcast. I'll do it next time. I was like, all right, cool. I fucked up.

I'm sorry. But he was in a good mood for a while, and then it turned, and I was like, I could see it coming. It's like a hurricane, you know, to get out of the way. He did my Night of Too Many Stars benefit, which Sam was very nice to do. That was awesome. In December. I think I did too many dead baby jokes. No, you were fucking hilarious. Sorry about that. Hilarious. Yeah.

My favorite line of the whole night was your bit about the sex toy that has commercials, the cheap sex toy that you have to pay for. Oh, that's a great one. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great one. I say you'll have sex robots, but if you're broke, you're going to get the ones with ads. Yeah. That's the bit. It killed Jon Stewart. He quoted it right after you came out. Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that. You didn't know that? No, no. Yeah, yeah. He, like, talked about it. I thought I bombed, so I was hiding after the show. It's a weird audience, the charity benefits. Oh, yeah. A lot of them don't know a guy like you. Yeah, yeah. But a lot of people told me you were one of their favorite people. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, no, he was great. Even the Palestinians? We welcomed the Palestinians. No, they...

But Burr used to do it. And one time he followed Katy Perry singing to an autistic kid. It's like one of the greatest things we ever did on the show. And everybody was in tears. And then, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

And he killed. He did a hilarious whole segment about Steve Jobs. I remember this. You do? It was on TV. Yeah, it was on Comedy Central. He did a whole chunk debunking Steve Jobs. New charger doesn't work on the old one. This is your hero. That was the line. Yeah, it's your fucking hero. That was the biggest laugh. Always eating something pretentious like a pear. I love that line. Yeah. And so he, but after the show, he's like, yeah, thanks for putting me on after the...

After the whole crying thing. That was great. That was great.

And then later it's like, ah, I was just busting your balls. Yeah. And it's still, it's like he's so committed to busting our balls. Yes. And he's a good actor. Yeah. He tells you that he was busting your balls like a week later. Yes, exactly. Exactly. No, I think everyone's a little scared of Burr. I think that's- No. He did the voiceovers and I would like come out of the voiceover sessions with him like shook up like, am I a prick? Am I like giving him too much direction? Nah.

He's a sweet man. He is. He's a really sweet guy. It's like if Boston was a person. 1980s Boston. 1980s Boston. So yeah, Wilman, what's going on with you, man? This is the hotter me, I always say. You're like the handsome Normand.

He is handsome up close. Look at this guy. This guy's good. Look at this. Do you think we look alike? Road hard, put away wet. I could see them being brothers. Really hot. A little bit. You should write a secret. I don't know who to pick. I'll make a choice at the end. Yeah. What are you doing in town? I did the Today Show today. Kelly Clarkson. Nice. Well, this is your music and shit? I mean, magic.

Sorry. I did magic and shit. He's had one blue moon. That's Michael's fucking house, dude. Jews don't carry their... Oh, what are you doing to me? Oh, shit. Cookies. I just complained that these cookies are everywhere. They're the best cookies. I can't stop eating them. You gotta try them. Okay, now we're talking.

Did you really? Oh my god. That's good. Eating is where I excel. Okay, well take one. The show should be about eating and they might be farting or something. You gotta try the oatmeal one. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. This is crazy. Come on. These cookies are insane. If you order another one, Lizzo's gonna show up.

Yeah, so. I've got this prank show. Oh, nice. April 1st? April 1st, April Fool's. It's called The Magic Prank Show. Very cool. Named it myself. You've got to pull up the clip that I sent you from this. It's really cool. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Yeah, yeah. Pull this up. Your show's amazing. Thanks, man. I watched it with my wife, the old one, and she's like fingering herself the whole time.

Because you're a hotter, more successful me, so it's what she wants. Our wives should talk. Let's swap. Get the best of both worlds. All right. Because she's like, I wish you were funnier. I get that a lot. Look at this right here. All right.

That was a great abortion. Beautiful. Man. Texas. Yeah. How do you, I mean, oh, sorry. Well, we come up with jokes and it's, you got to pull them out of thin air. It's brutal, you know. But how the fuck do you come up with a magic trick? It's... You got to invent those. You kind of have to invent them or take a really, really old one and kind of... Update it? ...reform it. Like, turn it, you know, the silk to egg is a very, very old trick. It's like an old kid show sucker trick. So it's like, how the hell...

Do you update that? So doing it hooked up to a lie detector kind of works, you know? Oh. So there's some sort of new wrapper to it. I love it. Makes it feel fresh. Yeah. I'm going to feel like I'm sure with premises it's a little bit, you know, maybe harder to hide an old premise. But yeah. And then either figure out what do I want to do a bit about and find a trick for that or...

Start with the trick and figure out how I can make that unique. Right, right. I hate my wife jokes, but that's as old as time. We all pretend they're jokes. You do it hooked up to a lie detector. It's not buzzing. What's going on? I'm surprised women or wives haven't got on the lie detector train. That would just... I feel like they would buy that. Women should have one of those in the house. I don't want my wife to, but...

You'd think they would get on board with that. Yeah, I wish we should cut this out. Yeah, I don't want to give any ideas out there. No, no, keep it, keep it. Our new sponsor, Marital Friday. That's coming. That's fucking brilliant. It's coming. Write that down. That's a bit. There's an app for that. By the way, Manspread, can you give the guy an in-chair? Jesus Christ. There we go. I'm that guy. I'm used to so much stuff. Now you can relax.

Sorry about that. Thank God Ralphie May wasn't here. I mean... Peace. I feel like...

I feel like we keep crossing paths with you guys on the road, like ships in the night. Are we? Yeah. You were just there. Yes. Coming, you know? Yeah. Everywhere. Sometimes they use my poster for you. Yeah. You for me. Yeah, but you're all over the road. I see you everywhere. Yeah, I've been around. You're cooking. Good. Yeah, we're both doing Outback shows, right? That's right. Yeah. All right. Selling the cooking. Strong. Onion rings. Outback. I got to ask you, best SNL sketches you ever did, what do you think is your top? I'm sorry, I'm like...

enjoying all of this at the same time I'm thinking of mean triumph jokes about magicians they write themselves look at you you're a regular Harry who gives a shit and he says he doesn't write this shit count it

Sorry. I'll stop. No, no, no. That's all I can. No, no, no. What are you? Yeah. Oh, that is the best part of doing some of the theaters on the road, though, is when they tell you Houdini's performed there and you're like, Houdini levitated out of the ceiling here. And you're like, I got like nine new abortion jokes. Like a piece of shit, you know? Either way, something's disappeared. Yeah.

Yeah, what are your top SNL? How many years have you read for SNL? Oh, man. Well, I wrote that for eight years, and then I did cartoons. I did the Dana Carvey show and the Conan show. Yes. Did you see his documentary on Hulu? Too Funny to Fail. Too Funny to Fail. I didn't see it, but I heard it. It's crazy. It's wild. It's so good. You guys went dark. The Dana Carvey show, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was like me and Louis C.K. and Dino Stamatopoulos. Sure. Who was like a family guy, right? Yeah.

Didn't he do Family Guy later? Family Guy. I don't know what the hell. George Stepanoff was? He was an adult swim guy, but yeah. And then it was Steve Carell, Colbert. Steve Carell and Colbert were cast members. Jesus. Who else was there? All the funny whites. Charlie Kaufman was a writer. Holy shit. What? Charlie Kaufman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Malkovich. Malkovich. Adaptation. Unreal.

Yeah, he's sunshine. Yeah. Yeah. No. And he barely got anything on. He was not happy. A joke guy.

Yeah. No, no. He wrote great stuff, but it was like we were, believe it or not, trying to stay on the air and do like Regis Philbin bits and, you know, because we started that show. Excuse me. Wow. They might be burping. A little semen. A little semen. What are you going to do? Hey. What are you going to do? You got to stay in the business. Exactly. Beat it. We'll get to learn Michaels later. All right.

Daniel Carvey was like, he was like such a star then too. Yeah, he was a sketch superstar. Dude, my brother, the two VHS tapes that were like replayed a hundred times in our home was Billy Madison and Opportunity Knox with Daniel Carvey. Wow.

For whatever reason, that was my brother's favorite movie, so we watched it probably 100 times. Wow. I fucking loved that movie. I'm going to tell Dana. Tell him. He's like, wow, somebody liked it? I loved it. He doesn't perceive it as a success. I had a one-night stand with a girl once, and I hadn't watched it in years, and I threw it on, and she was like, this is not a good movie. And I was like...

All right. Two bad decisions. Sorry. What are you going to do? Good way to get her to leave. Now, we started that first episode with the sketch where he played President Clinton. Oh, yeah. Bill Clinton and-

It devolved into him breastfeeding puppies and kids. Yes. Eight nipples. The milk was shooting. Yeah. And I'm like, I had no idea that Home Improvement was for kids. I was such a fucking idiot. Wait, do you have the clip of Home Improvement? Pull up the clip of Home Improvement. Oh, that's funny. The emotional episode. There's an emotional episode of Home Improvement. Yeah. Well, no, this sort of encapsulated the whole situation. Yeah.

And you guys, and your whole gag was whatever week it was produced by a different... Yes, we were going to have a different sponsor, like old time television. There used to be like the Texaco Star Theater, the early... Right. So we, Dana actually had the idea that it would change every week. So it was like the Taco Bell, Dana Carvey show. Well, Disney bought ABC, right? Disney had just bought ABC. And that fucked you. That helped. That helped.

It helped? No, it helped fuck us. Yeah. No, you're right. It definitely helped fuck us. But yeah, because we had gone in there with this concept that like we're going to do late night.

Yes. You know, 1130 standards. Yes. At 930. Because NYPD Blue was right after our show. Oh, that was a good one. And that had like a mature audience rating or something. Totally. So I was like, can we get one of those for our show? And they were like, no, we want higher ratings. Getting caught with weed? It was the blue.

No, no, no, no. No, it was like, look up like it was like emotional episode. I think you got to look up too funny to fail. And then there'll be like a promo for it. Yeah, this is the thing. I don't know about this. It's just a commercial that ran on ABC. Oh, here we go. Okay, here we go. Yeah. All right. All right. It starts with me talking. That one probably. Yeah. Is that Hater? Yes. I heard about the time slot.

I thought, oh, well, maybe it'll be compatible because Tim Allen's kind of a man's man kind of guy. And it seemed like maybe he's a hip comedian. He'd been busted for cocaine or something. I don't know, his home improvement a little racy maybe, right? I get your point now, Tim. You respect me, huh? I hadn't watched it until about four shows in. I just stopped everything at nine o'clock on a Tuesday and

watched it and just watched in horror just not believing what we had foisted on this audience a parent's worst fear losing a child i don't want to die dad you never know whose family it will happen to an episode so powerful it hits home we'll beat this thing no matter what it is you know i'm not letting anything happen to you a special home improvement followed by the diet mug root beer

That's great. That's killer, right? Diet mug. And look at these guys laughing. Ah!

So good. I love it. With no irony. Well, I feel like this is the reverse of this. You were on the cleanest show on the planet. Now you're drinking with a bunch of retards. Yeah, how was Kelly Clarkson? Was that good? She was good. Yeah. Yeah, she's a really good person to do magic for. Oh, yeah. She doesn't want to know. She is a child. Yeah. That's great. And I did a bit where it felt like I might skewer my hand with a metal spike.

You know, it starts off like Sweet Innocence, a ring trick. I'm going to put the ring on this spike and cover it up with a cup, and then there's six other cups. Can you do a magic trick? I can, yeah. You want me just to describe a trick? I could... Robert, Deck of Cards has high cards and low cards. Do you choose high or low? I choose high. I knew it, because I predicted...

High. Not high enough, apparently. But you could have easily. Yeah, I could have. You could have. I'm just saying, I don't want to be a skeptic. Listen, you know. I have a childlike imagination and I don't want to undermine children who obviously love this show and watch it frequently. For Kelly, that would have been enough. That would have been enough. Mark of the high cards. 10, Jack, Queen or King. Let's go Jack.

Jack now yes or no did we set anything up we did not we've never met so no no I predicted no unbelievable well played well played you know I got another triumph joke in my head hit it

So it's like you read my mind just now. Yeah. Then why are you still here? Can't turn. I'm glad you're not having to bottle all these up. Let them out. Sam. Yeah. Jack, there's clubs, hearts, spades, and diamonds. Do you want club, heart, spade, or diamond? Hearts. Hearts. Hearts.

Okay, no more silly stuff. All right. Set hearts. Inside, there is a playing card. One card only. Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm just going to show Sam. Sam, tell him. Wow. Wow. That's great. Robert said hi. Mark said jack. Sam said heart. People, I got one card and one card only. The jack of hearts. The jack of hearts. That is pretty cool. Oh, my God.

Come on. Let's try upside down. Did Kelly Clarkson blow you? I believe. Come on. Holy hell. Oh, man. Now, is it tough because you're a funny guy, a magician guy, a good-looking guy?

Go on. But you got to be clean. You're out in the world, the clean comedy world. That's a tough... People think, oh, magician, I can take my kids to this. Yes. For years, before Magic for Humans came out, I was touring comedy clubs. So I was doing clubs so that I didn't have to worry about kids. So people just assumed it's going to be, you know, for adults. And then when Magic for Humans came out, and when we made the show, we kind of... I didn't try to make it clean, you know, like my...

Head magic producer, co-EP, magician Stuart McCloud. We had anal jokes in there. Oh, nice. Heroin jokes. It was on Nickelodeon. We did a puppy play bit. The guys who dress as puppies and sniff each other's asses and stuff. But as long as it ended in a magic trick, people were like, oh, my kids enjoy this. So I kind of accrued this family audience. So now it's clean.

Wow. And I don't mind it. No. Instead of selling two tickets, you might sell six. But it wasn't like your act was super vulgar. It wasn't super vulgar. No, it was just a little adult. It was a little adult. I like the idea, though, of doing a really filthy magician act. I've never seen that. Yeah. It was amazing. Jonathan, was he kind of? Oh, yeah. That's a good example. He was filthy? He was pretty filthy.

Really? He was a funny dude. I was a big fan of his. I liked him. Love him. You know, he would do, you know, a bit where he'd take out a big old, like a huge jug of Coke and like a huge straw and then it would just go away. Yeah. Oh, wow. A gallon of Coke. I mean, he would...

He, you know, hacking through his stuff. I mean, his stuff wouldn't hold up today. No. His assistant, he would put playing cards over her eyes and staple them to her face. Pull up some amazing stuff. Oh, my God. He started as a street performer, I believe. Yeah. And moved his way up. And I saw him on Comedy Central as like a 10-year-old. Me too.

Loved it. It was tight. His Comedy Central special. How does a good-looking guy get into magic? I feel like a lot of the magicians I meet, they're doing it to meet women or something, right? Yeah. Well, David Blaine. It's kind of like the guitar. Yeah, that's true. David Blaine. But it's a lot harder. He was a sweet looking guy. David Blaine is a player. He made magic sexy, kind of. He was like a sexy. He was dark and mysterious. He knew when to shut up. Yeah, he does. He just does a trick and shuts up. Yes. One of my favorite triumphs is when... Okay. Go ahead.

No, no, watch this. Just for laughs. Sorry. Ah! Rolled up your ass up butt quick, didn't it? Ha! Look at it. Little heart's beating like a gerbil. Oh, God, I've got to get to the hospital. You ever seen his documentary? Look at this mole on my... It's wild. Really? It is wild. Didn't Steve do one?

Steve Burns? Yeah, I think he did. And then Ben Berman did one. And I introduced Ben to Jonathan. I told Ben about just that Jonathan had this kind of heart issue that came up. He was also regularly smoking crystal meth. Whoa. And Jonathan, I think he liked telling the story that his doctor said his body couldn't handle quitting.

So he just kind of was going to keep doing it, and Ben just was fascinated by this. Wow. Yeah. Is he dead? He's dead. Okay. He's dead. I didn't know if he... But he lived for many, many more years, and... Oh, okay. So crystal meth is healthy. Is okay. Yeah. It's okay if you're a magician. David Blaine was like Triumph's white whale for many years. Oh, you couldn't get him? Yeah, but then I did. You should look that one up. Pull it. This is one of my favorite things I ever did was...

No, oh, a different David Blaine. That's a spoof. That's Mikey Day there. Yeah. Oh, that's so good. Oh, this is young David Blaine. Oh, this is a parody. It's a parody. Yeah, permanent and relaxed. Bye-bye. Where'd you go shopping? We went to an outlet store, okay? You wouldn't have heard of it. It's not trendy yet. Nobody knows about it. Where'd you buy it? I bought a green sweater, if you want to know. Okay, I bought a green sweater. Interesting. Are you sure you didn't buy a teddy bear? Yes, I'm sure I did. Teddy bear! What?

How did he get it? I'll just look up Triumph and David Blaine. I want to see this. This was one of my favorite ones. Because I finally, I wanted to do him when he was like in a block of ice. Yes. Desperately, I wanted. Because everybody could go right up to his face. Oh, that's perfect. I know, but they were like off that week, so I couldn't do it. So then he did this thing where he was...

up in the sky dangling he was upside down or something yeah but he kept taking breaks here just take a look at this wait this isn't it that's not this isn't the right that's not the right one it's it's it's that's like an outtake or some some fans iPhone Conan classic or

Have you met David? I've met David. I've hung with David Blaine. Yeah, me too. He's a cool guy. He's really nice. Yeah. Really nice. Yeah, very good sport. Yeah, how could he not be? Yeah. That's his best endurance stunt. How hard was it to get people to look at Triumph's eyes and not your eyes? Good question. That's a very good question. I don't tell people what to do, but it's always an interesting...

uh, way of judging someone's level of, uh, commitment or professionalism. Like, yeah. Celebrities too. Like the ones who look at me or the ones who look at triumph are like, you can tell they're the ones who are more in on the joke and willing to play. And then you'll get somebody like, um, you know, Ted Cruz. Well, actually Ted Cruz, uh,

Was he thought that he was gonna top triumph it was very sad. Oh, no Yeah, yeah, he had some comebacks. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he was he invited me up to talk to him. He had writers really sad So all the way toward the end is when I finally got Ted Cruz I

Did he at least laugh? He laughed. Yeah, actually, not only did he laugh, but he high-fived me, and I cut it out of the piece because I didn't want that to be a meme. I didn't want that up his cool point. I give him credit, though, for playing along. Yes, yes. I give him credit, too. No, he admitted that, no, he was cool. He was like, you got me. That's hilarious. That's great. That's a great fucking line. What a zing. That was a little bit of a softball. I think if I hadn't come up with that, I would turn in my triumph card. No, hold on.

That was a better thing than you're giving it. That was perfect timing, and you got him good. That's crazy. A security guard is pushing him away. I know. Or is he petting? He must be petting. I give myself the most credit for that. It was a very tense moment.

Like everybody hated me. Everybody around Ted Cruz was looking at me with, and no one was giving me anything laugh wise. Right. Sure. You know, so I was like, no, he is. And I'm just hoping that this will play funny for the Colbert audience. That's all. Killed it. What, uh, who is an asshole that you've, that you've roasted? Who is a prick?

Not many. Honestly, they've all... Have you been attacked? Yes, a couple of times. Michael Vick? No, no, not by celebrities, but like... It's interesting. Like when I first went to Trump rallies, they were kind of nice. And then when he got inaugurated, then it was sort of like, fuck you, we won, and like, it's our turn now. And there were like three different people who...

Two people like just pulled my cigar out of Pulled triumph cigar out and broke it like right in front of me. I thought you know you're doing a good job though when they're attacking the puppet

No, that's true. That's true. And then there was one. But then there was one biker who was just like, who the fuck's wrong with you, man? Get the fuck out of here. And another biker just calms him down. Bro, bro, it's cool. It's cool. Just a puppet, bro. Yeah. That and the Michael Jackson fans were the angriest in me. Interesting. I went to the Michael Jackson trial in 2005, I think.

The big trial. - Wow. - I was up for molesting all these kids. - Artist of the year he was up for? - Yeah, artist of the year. - Those cookies are insane. - Oh, it's so good. - And these kids were all dressed like clowns. They all wore these wacky outfits. So it was hilarious. They're just dressed ridiculously, but they were furious at me. Just didn't wanna talk to me.

And I was saying stuff like, I understand you want to maintain your dignity. It looked so ridiculous. But then it like took, we had to stay an extra day and like come back the second day and give them lemonade because it was really hot and kind of wear them out. And some of them were willing to finally talk to Triumph and let me do my jokes. Yeah. It was nuts. Man.

Man, you're going on the battlefield. I mean, it's a lot of fire in there. Yeah, that's a tough one. I commend you because it's hard to think on your feet in that tense situation. Yeah, yeah. But like I said, I do have writers and they help me with jokes and shit. That Ted Cruz one was improvised. Hey! And I'll give myself credit for doing that under duress. There you go. There you go. Now I've got to ask you an awkward question there, Wilmie.

Yeah, we're at Wilmie level. What's up, Normie? Well, I'm a Magic fan. I've been watching Magic my whole life. You know, Woody Allen did Magic. As did Steve Martin. Orson Welles. Steve Martin for a long time. F is for fake. Oh, yeah. Arsenio Hall. Really? Arsenio? Yeah. I didn't know that. Who, who, who? David Copperfield? Yeah, David. Never heard of him. All right.

Magic is great, but I think it kicks up a notch around black people. Am I wrong? You're not wrong. Thank you. I mean, that should be, I guarantee you there's a montage on YouTube of black people reacting to magic because it's so fucking awesome and it's so much funnier. Jesus H. Oh, is that really? Oh!

Come on! Your algorithm gets you. Is this the same kind of theory as horror movies? Same kind of world? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess so. They're way more fun with black people. Yes. 100%. There's a lot more movement. There's a lot more running. Talking to the... That guy ran away! Did you see it? I mean, come on! This is amazing!

I'm not trying to get offensive here. I'm just saying it's a real stereotype. So this girl who works for me, she's like my production manager. And she told me, she goes, I should tell you, she's like, I took an Uber home from LAX. And the guy was asking me what I do. I was like, I'm a magician. And she's like, and then he got really racist. He said, magician. Oh, black people love magic.

She said this to me all concerned and whispery, and I was like, oh yeah, he's right. Yeah. I mean, they do. I mean, everyone loves magic, but black people are not afraid to show their joy. Yes. And I mean, I'm not generalizing 100%. I'm sure. Sure, sure. 75%. 75% racist. But it's like when they do the black people love chicken, I'm like, I love chicken. Don't we all like chicken? I don't know. Who doesn't like chicken? Yeah, the racial things like chicken, watermelon. I'm like, who doesn't love chicken and watermelon?

Great. Both great. Grape soda. Great. My favorite fast food. Popeyes. Popeyes. Yeah. It's incredible. Comedy Cellar Party Tuesday. Oh, yeah. And it's catered by Popeyes because we all love Popeyes. Can't go wrong. I think of Little Nicky when he's like blown away by fucking Popeyes. Yeah. It always drives me crazy when critics say Adam Sandler's using product placement. No. Every time there was a purpose to the joke that this character likes Popeyes or Subway commercials and Happy Kill.

There's always a reason for it. And people are like, no, he's just trying to make money. There's no money. No, that was pre-pedophilia too. The subway.

That was Papa. Free Jared. Free Jared. Yeah. I have Jared's cell number, believe it or not. Get the fuck out of here. I used Jared in a Triumph special once. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. My Come Poop With Me album has a DVD. Some sad interviews. Yeah, I interviewed Jared from Subway and the Dell dude at the same time. You're lucky Triumph wasn't a puppy. The Dell dude was a magician.

The Dell dude was a magician. And look at him now. Look at him now. Whoa. Yeah. Any magician fused? He's a sweet guy, Ben Curtis. He's a very sweet guy. Some magic beef? Yeah, there's some good magic beef. Oh, really? He's got the name.

I mean, magicians love having beef. I mean, it's probably the same in comedy. Oh, yeah. But in magic, it's a little more spiteful. I think there are so few tricks. Magicians love to get very possessive about, oh, that's my trick. Or even if it's an old trick, that's how I do it. Right, right. And there's no room for the open-mindedness of it. Maybe somebody else thought of something similar, so they like to have beef.

- How do people, did Penn and Teller have a lot of people who support them or? - Penn and Teller used to be hated by magicians. - Right, because they would break the code. - Yeah, they would, you know, Penn and Teller would love talking about how-- - How they did it. - How stupid magicians are and how they did it. - So they would reveal how they did it, which I always found like more entertaining because then you really appreciate

What goes into this? And they only just give you the little tip of the iceberg. Right, right. They didn't reveal every trick. And then they would still fool you. But it's so funny, like the arc of their career now, you know, Penn and Teller fool us. They're like these well-regarded, you know, gods of magic who magicians... Magicians are very late to come around to like...

Anyone who's doing it differently people magicians hated David Blaine at first really they were like he's just doing store-bought tricks I can buy that quarter. Ah, maybe they were blind to the fact that he's you know Connecting with people in a different way right right people always get nervous about the new guy who's bending the rules But you know what about okay? I think we can all agree. We hate Criss Angel. I

I actually don't know anything about him. I don't either. I hear he's a very nice guy, actually. He's a very nice guy. All right. It's the kind of thing Triumph would be all about. Yeah, yeah. I admit that. One time I performed in Las Vegas, and I got Lance Burton and Penn & Teller to come on. Who's Lance Burton? Oh, he's like the most famous. He was my childhood hero. Oh, sorry. He was a slav, tuxedoed magician. Pull him up.

And, well, there's triumph with Penn and Teller, if you want to say. This guy's familiar? Lance Burton.

Not really. No, he's really much better known in Las Vegas. Okay. Yeah. But Penn said, make fun of his hair. He uses a Flobie. He told me. What's a Flobie? You don't remember a Flobie? It was that weird machine. Vacuum cleaner thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A ball cut your hair like uniformly. A Roomba for the head. Yeah, it was like a Roomba for the head. Exactly. Okay. So I went for it and it was quite embarrassing. He didn't like it? No.

He was cool with it, but it was... Yeah, there you go. Flobie. Flobie. What the fuck? It just... It pulls your hair up and cuts it as it pulls it up. As it pulls it up. So it's like this uniform... Gotta be. Don't mistake that for your fleshlight. Circumcision.

Damn. Flobie. Okay. Weird. Clooney uses a Flobie. I didn't see that coming. Damn. I've got a nerdy SNL question that I would love to ask Robert. I'm curious. What's your favorite sketch that never made the air? Never made the air? Yeah. That just got cut for time. Maybe. Oh, man. I have such a shitty memory of this stuff. But I don't know. There's one that Dana Carvey posted a couple, like a year ago. That was a really...

intricate sketch that we did a dress rehearsal where Charlie Chaplin, it was a, he played Charlie Chaplin and it was in the eighties. There was this documentary where they found all this lost footage of Chaplin, the master work. And let's watch Chaplin in between takes. And he was very bossy and control freaky, which I can relate to, but he was like really angry at people. And, but anyway, this was a sketch where, so I had like an every take scene,

Watch his mind at work. And so it starts out with like, he's nothing like Chaplin. He's dressed in a completely different way. And he's sitting at a table at a bar. And then John Lovitz comes out as like the waiter and he's got all the fucking Chaplin shit on him. And then like take by take, you just see Charlie Chaplin steal Chaplin.

His entire persona. Yes. By the end, he's exactly his famous persona. Oh, that's fun. But it's never acknowledged that he's stealing. But he's walking, like, ridiculously. Right. This is Seven Bees, right, Sam? Yeah. And then... No. Yeah. Oh, maybe you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Ah, the mustache. Anyway, I've given away the premise, so it's not so much fun to watch.

I found a skit. It took me five minutes to find this. It's one of my favorite skits. Oh, yeah? It was Sabra Price is Right. I think it's been scrubbed from the internet. Oh, they're about to put it back. I know exactly why that happened. Why? It's because of the music rights. We used a song by Donna Summer that costs too much. Can we not play this? You can play it. Are we going to get tanked? No, no, no. It's on the internet. Okay. Hey, Tommy. Hey.

So this is where the you don't mess with the Zohan kind of came from. Oh, wow. Look at that. That was on TV. That's a funny movie. Okay, let's look at the merchandise. All right. The Summit Clock Radio. Clock Radio from Summit is good. Okay, okay. He's good. Who can tell me the correct price for the Clock Radio? You. I'll guess $25. What? What? What? What do you mean? What do you mean $25? Summit Clock Radio is very good merchandise. Okay, well, so $35? Oh,

I don't believe it. All right, all right. Come on up. You, you. Brilliant. It doesn't seem like, what's it worth, really? Well, it's worth over 200. I sell it for less, you see. Okay, 75. Oh, this is an insult, insult. Okay, you, you. Insult. So it's more than $75. Yes, you. At least $150. And how about 80 bucks? All right, all right, all right. $80. It's good. Nice clock, radio. And you keep a check for my...

Who's your favorite host to write for? Tom Hanks, actually. Oh, really? He's just the greatest guy. It's such a boring answer because it's Tom Hanks and everybody loves him, but he actually helped save my career because my first week...

Well, I started there in the first five weeks. I got one sketch on with Madonna, actually, the very first show I did. And then I had four weeks in a row of nothing. I guess I was writing two weird stuff and pre-taped things and Lorne Michaels wasn't into it. Then Tom Hanks came on and he was...

I just thought he could do a really good Seinfeld. So I wrote a sketch with three comedians who are all kind of Seinfeld ripoffs. I've seen this. Yeah. And they're just they all talk the same way. What's the deal? They're just having a conversation backstage. No, then Damon Wayans is in it. Yes. Damon Wayans and John Lovitz and Tom Hanks. Yes. And it kept me from being fired, I think. Really? Pretty sure. Because it was the hit of that night.

And then Jerry hosted like seven years later and I wrote a game show version of it called Stand Up and Win, which was funnier. It was with Carvey and Sandler and Schneider as contestants. I remember that. It was like, what's the deal with Oprah? She's fat, she's skinny, that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all the answers were like, it was like a Jeopardy thing, but all the answers were like rhetorical stand-up comedy kind of questions. Oh no, go before the Gillian's Island one. That's too...

There's like a... Testants, thanks for making it. Are you ready to play? Yes, we are. I'm ready to play. Okay, hands on... This is one of my favorite steps. Hands on buzzers. Here's our opening question. What's the deal with airplane food? Billy! I know. Could this stuff taste any worse? It's like thanks, but no thanks. I'm still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds.

That's worth a hundred bucks. Is that actual Jerry material? No, no. We wrote new shit. That's not a stand-up bit, dude. A bad version of Jerry could have done that. Bad comedian. You gotta hand it to the Jer, man. No, he had a self-awareness. And he understood that it was like a lower version of what he wrote. Of course, of course. But I admit when I wrote the first one, I didn't have the same respect

for him that I got later. Like I was still into my, like my heroes were Steve Martin, Andy Kaufman, like the people who were kind of tearing apart standup. Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks, Letterman. Yeah. But then like I kind of got past that stage and kind of realized like how hard it is to write great jokes and make great observations even in a traditional standup format. Yeah. And by the time I wrote this sketch,

I totally worship Jerry and his show, especially, man. Oh, for sure. The show's amazing. I've been watching Taxi Before Bed. It's like a good wind-down show. Man, Andy Kaufman's so funny on that show. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. You should watch Andy Kaufman. When he was on Saturday Night Live, he was a guest in the 70s a lot. He did The Mighty Mouse. He did The Mighty Mouse, which everybody knows, but then he did another one where he played the foreign guy that ended up being on...

But he did it in a way that was so fucking, it's the hardest I'd ever laughed in my life up to that moment. That's why I remember it. - Really? - Yes. - Pull it up. - I don't know if you have it. It's him doing "Foreign Man" on Saturday Night Live. - If it's out there, he will not find it. - And he's doing inept impressions of people in his "Foreign Man" character. And then he starts crying and I don't wanna ruin beyond that.

SNL had some balls. It was so experimental, and they found interesting comedy. Yeah. I feel like all of now it doesn't have the balls. They don't have stand-ups anymore at all. Well, that's not true. They do. Oh, no, they have people host. Yeah, yeah. They have people host. Bill Burr. But Andy wasn't as big as those guys when he did this. But like Norm MacDonald. We discovered him here. Is a stand-up comedian, but they would put him in the Weekend Update. They'd put him in as Letterman or Larry King.

and it was so fucking funny Tarantino because he was kind of bad at it Tarantino was amazing I know but it wasn't like he wasn't like a trained actor you know like a Will Ferrell but I mean I think now it's all political everything it's all political what

What the fuck? Comedy's really... Ever since 9-11, I think. No. Yeah, yeah. I think it was later than that. I think 9-11 made everybody... The stakes just became higher. I think it's social media. I think it's social media, too. No, and now it's been... I'm saying exponentially, you're right. Yes, now it's increased even more with social media. But now what you do is not political.

No, we try to avoid that too. I think no no there's an audience for for what you do without a doubt I'm just saying like all the late-night shows are incredibly they lean in too hard Yeah, they lean in really hard and it's all the same joke after a while. We got it It becomes like an echo chamber. Yeah, like Jon Stewart is

Have you seen any of his daily shows? Yeah, he hit both sides a little bit. Yeah, so he goes on the first... But he's getting shit for this. Yes, that's what was so great. No, well, here's what happened. So the first daily show, he comes on and he dares to suggest that maybe they're not doing the best job proving that Joe Biden is...

Fit for office. Yeah, they like put him by they didn't have him do a Super Bowl interview They had him do some really silly silly question and answer thing first time in history, by the way The president has not done that. Is that true? Yes, it's fucked up. Yeah, talk about these things So then he got so fucking attacked for daring to suggest, you know, there's too much at stake You can't do that. But then the next week his ratings were even higher. Yeah

Which proves that like- You walk through the fire. People are, yeah, it would be nice to have nuance in political comedy. It'd be nice. I think what you're saying is right, but then people become so used to just hearing their echo chamber that, you're right, they're shocked that someone would dare to maybe question that something on their side isn't perfect. Well, just this idea that political comedy has to be used as a weapon to try to-

elect people instead of just being political comedy yes well we've done a thing now where you kind of can't say anything anymore but comics still can so i think people gravitate towards comics to be like say it say it or i get that all the time speak out on this i'm like i'm a fucking comedian i'm a clown yeah yeah speak out i got on jizz leave me alone your best material thank you

But that's you. That must be nice for you. That's a relief. Well, I did try to do political magic at one point. I did a Comedy Central pilot where I was – it was kind of like a Colberry approach, like a little bit, you know, kind of –

Well, actually, a little bit more naively exploring both sides. I built Trump's wall and walked through it. That's funny. Copperfield's walking through the Great Wall of China, so I went to a Trump rally and was like, all right, let me prove that this is... See if it's a good idea or not. Yeah, that's great. And people... Obviously, the people who hate Trump loved it, but everyone who loves magic but just also...

you know doesn't doesn't like uh the jabbing at their their favorite guy like just i am no longer a fan yeah no exactly yeah exactly sorry you lost me yeah yeah a month later i'm like you're still following me i'm unfollowing you now yes you didn't you know you never it's like when they go i'm moving to canada if he wins you know i'm going to canada jimmy kibble or whatever you're still here

But, you know, we're so tribal now. And we've always been tribal. It's human nature, blah, blah, blah. But it never felt tribal this much with Republican, Democrat. It felt tribal with like men versus women, black versus white, rich versus poor, whatever. And now it's all political. Right. And it's strange. But sometimes you still hit.

And they're like if you go to like Appleton, Wisconsin or something, I feel like that's like a city where they still keep their political beliefs to themselves. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? There's some cities and you're like, oh, yeah, there was a time where people did that. It was like rude to do that. Now it's like part of your fucking Twitter bio. I know it's part of your identity. I was I did this show, the special that let's make a poop special in San Francisco. And I had Schneider on and there were people who didn't want me to book Schneider.

And they actually, it ended up being a surprise guest. They didn't want to bill.

that schneider was going to be one of our guests right they thought people would boycott it or something yeah it's too well but then when he came on he got a reasonable amount of applause he didn't get boos and i hit him pretty hard hard enough that people were satisfied sure you know also he's an old friend of yours too it's like oh yeah i'm not gonna people were like he was like yeah that's like an old friend like what do you mean yes so i shouldn't like be in touch with

Right. Wilman's queuing on. We still hang. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I thought his magic episode at the Capitol was great, too. Yeah. Breaking through the Capitol steps. Pelosi's laptop disappeared. Oh, my God. You hear, by the way, we do wrecks on here. I think we both wrecked David Tell's new Netflix special. Yeah. He had a line that killed me where he said, you know, he looks like he's one of the QAnon people. I know what I have a real January 6th look. Yes. He goes, but I'm a Biden man. Hunter Biden. No. No.

That's a great fucking bait and switch. The king. And it's no left and right can both laugh at that. At that. His whole hour that he put out is so funny, I thought. It was the only special I've ever watched where you're like, man, I wish this was longer. You know, you're watching some, you're like, oh my God. Wow, I gotta see it. You haven't seen it? I haven't seen the last one. Oh, Michael, you're gonna jizz. How do we cut this now?

You can cut the part where I... Or leave it. Keep the Attell shit. Keep the Attell shit. Live editing. I don't care. I love Dave. And he's in a good mood for a day and a half. He called me seemingly happy. He's one of the nicest guys in the business, too. You must have known him for decades. I've known him for years. I guessed it on the Gong Show like 20 years ago when he hosted for Comedy Central. I was triumphant on it.

And when I left, it comes up to me. He knew about my autistic charity. And he says, what's the name of the company? What's the name of the charity? And I tell him it's Next for Autism. And he just pulls out a checkbook and writes a $5,000 check and hands it to me. That's how he is. What a mensch. Yeah. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. And he's unbelievable funny. From one autistic to another. I watched a few minutes of...

of him on you and on your show. And the only thing I didn't understand was the headband under the, I don't get it either. It's like, I understand the concept of an old Jew wanting to cover up their, you know, Martian hairline. Sure. And that's what I have the hat on. But,

he has like a headband under the hat. Yes. I'm like, is that how it works? You, the uglier we get, it's going to be covered all in black in a week or so. Did you see Seinfeld commented on his Instagram and wrote, how cold was it in there? Yeah. But I don't think Dave would like that.

Hey, I bet he smiled. I hope so. Who the hell knows? Yeah, so do you guys have recs? Is there anything that you recommend? It could be anything. It doesn't have to be a special, a movie, a book, anything that... I'll recommend something, but it's not really what your audience would... Eh, throw it out there. So there's this musical on Broadway. Has everybody tuned out? No, I'm curious. It's called Kimberly Akimbo. It won the Tony last year, and it's closing...

at the end of this month, at the end of August, excuse me, at the end of April.

That one blue moon got me, man. Chappelle Hotel. Jews can't hold it. It's really good? It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. Funny or what? It's hilarious, but it's also really touching. People think it's going to be sad because it's about a woman who has progeria, I think it's called, where you age rapidly. Oh. And so she's like a 63-year-old actress playing a 16-year-old. Oh, funny. But I'm telling you, it's really funny.

And her parents are like, really? Holy shit. That's real, huh? Yeah, it's real. She doesn't look like that. That kid's probably 14 and you look like you're 90. Kind of good. Oh, that woman in the middle is like 60 or whatever. But anyway...

It's an amazing show. I don't know what to tell you. Okay, great. It's a Broadway musical. Great. But if you can get past that. I like it. I'm a fan. I'm in. It's closing in a month. But I just want people to see it because they'll be grateful. All right. Well, so is this podcast. Closing in a month? Yeah, we're about on the way out. What about you? I got to recommend. I don't normally recommend magic shows. I don't recommend. No, but I saw a magic show.

Last night in New York City, it's called Speakeasy Magic. And it's a really cool experience. People always think, oh, Magic Castle, that's like a cool place to go see magic. This is... I don't want to spoil too much, but it's basically... It's like a magic gangbang. You go to this cool... You're at a cool table with your friends and it's like...

incredible magician after magician comes sits at the table it's like a kind of a speakeasy vibe it's a very strange secret entrance that you go in and uh yeah hosted by todd robbins who's like a sideshow uh mc extraordinaire and it was cool like if you're looking for a cool magic thing to do in new york city i think i've been there wait where is this speakeasy it used to be at the mckittrick

hotel which is where they did sleep no more which is where where is that now it's in the the what's that thin building the um the flat iron yeah flat iron district okay but was it used to be it was a mckittrick used to be in the maturity yeah in that hotel yeah yeah i i took my kids there oh you did right yeah right really cool yeah really cool really great magicians really cool you call it in the

Close-up magic. Yeah, but when they do the Chinese guy, the Japanese with the shrimp and they flip it. It's like a Benihana of magic. They come to your table. Yeah, you open your mouth. I got to recommend, I saw the Carlos Santana doc on a flight, you know, and

I've never been the biggest Santana fan. I mean, he rips it on the guitar, but the old stories of him in the 60s as a young guitar player, Mexican kid, trying to make it in San Francisco, going to the Fillmore and opening for the Birds and the fucking Blood, Sweat & Tears and all that, incredible.

And there's a scene where he goes, he gets Woodstock. His agent gets him Woodstock. He's like 22 years old. He's freaking out. I got Woodstock, the biggest gig on the planet. I'm freaking out. And he goes, he's a nervous kid. He goes up to the Grateful Dead and all these, the Who, all these giant acts. And he goes,

Guys, I'm Carlos. I don't want to bother you. Just wondering when I'm going on. And they're all smoking weed and they're all, you know, hippy dippy. And they go, well, you're going on before us. We're going on at midnight. So you got plenty of time. It's two in the afternoon. So they go, you might as well take some acid. And he goes, I've never taken acid. I've never done a drug in my life. And they go, eh, take some acid. It's Woodstock. And he goes, well, it's two. Probably won't go on until ten. I'll throw some acid down, whatever. So he guzzled a vial of acid. Oh, my God.

He starts tripping instantly. He's like, oh my God, this is insane. And they go, Santana, you're on. He's got the day gig. So he has to go up there.

And he talks about this is the scene. This is the footage of him on acid. And he said he felt like his guitar was a snake and the neck was trying to eat him. Oh, my God. So he has to play the notes right or it'll eat him. And he's in fear for his life right now in front of, you know, 50, 80,000 people, whatever the fuck it is. And it was just such a cool story. And I was just on the plane, like fist pumping because he's like 21 right here. He's so good. He's so good.

But yeah, that was just a cool scene. And you can feel it when you watch the scene. Like, oh man, they're all tripping out and just the love and the vibes and the passion and the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. What a time. Panicking. I got a rec too. I got a rec as well. Past guest on the pod, Sam Talent. I'm embarrassed I never read his book. He came out. Oh.

Running the Light, amazing book about, novel about a stand-up comic. It's insane. What's the name? Running the Light. He takes some real risks in this book and they pay off. It's awesome. It's about a road dog in like the 80s and just doing the road and blow and hookers and the whole thing. And just like a piece of shit guy but you feel for him and...

And yeah, it's just like, it felt like the most realistic run of a guy doing hell gigs. Yes, yes. You're like, yeah, this is what it's like. And a guy giving in to being like kind of a road hack and what you have to do to survive and you lose that artistic muscle. And yeah, it was really cool. It was a really funny, but also fucking sad too, but awesome. Sad story. A bunch of comics did the foreword for the audio book or not the foreword. Each comic read a chapter. Uh-huh.

I read one and I read it so poorly that I didn't get in. Really? We must have done a bad job because my mom told me she tried to start the audio book for this and she goes, whoever read it did a really bad job. You must have been fucking terrible. I didn't want to do it so I was speeding through it. So I was like, yeah, then on a Thursday night I went to Chicago and, yeah,

I'll be there. He didn't put me in. You got to bring it with these audio- So don't get the audio book. No. Get the book. Actually read the book. That's another thing. Shout out to anyone who could do a good job reading an audio book. It makes such a difference. You ever listen to an audio book and the person's awesome at it? Yes. It's like, God damn. I was just reading about a guy. I don't know why, but it said one of-

at least one of the ways if you read a lot, it'll help combat dementia. And then I'm looking at this guy. He's like, does a ton of audio books because he's reading the audio book for this book I was listening to. Fucking dies of dementia. That guy reads for a living. Okay, well, that puts that to bed. That freaks me the fuck out. So it causes dementia. I guess it does. Yeah. So stop reading. You know, Biden was in a book club.

Uh-oh. Wow, look at that. Look at that guy. That's a great promo right there. Hi, Rack. Yeah, check out Justin's new show on Netflix. That's very exciting, man. Yeah, I watched every episode of the other show. Thanks, man. Loved it. I'm pretty sick. It's called The Magic Prank Show. It's called The Magic Prank Show. Pranks by request. Fantastic. Late COVID, I posted on my Instagram. Anyone want any...

if you could have a magician's help pranking someone in your life, who would it be and why? And just inspired by those real replies, I was like, this is a show. I love it. We did it. And your tricks are so damn creative and original. Thank you. Really impressive. Everything I've seen is awesome, man. Yes. Definitely check it out. And watch Leo on Netflix. Watch Leo. Whether or not you have kids, it's awesome. Thank you. But more urgently, since Leo's already a hit.

triumphs let's make a poo oh there you go trust me too political for me no no no no that was like the only political joke the one with i'm just kidding no no weird al yankovic we make fun we make a lot of fun of weird al we do we make up song parodies that weird al never wrote and pretend that he pretend that he wrote them and compliment him on them it's like yeah my favorite thing is um

is when Triumph is incredibly passive-aggressive in his insults. Nice. That's like the ultimate. All right, worst SNL host.

Biggest asshole, hated. You know what? I'm really one of my big regrets at SNL is that I was not there the week Steven Seagal. Whoa, you missed that. Yeah, I was doing. I was right. I think Conan and I were away doing Look Well, the Adam West pilot that we did many years ago because we were Adam West freaks. But yes, everybody, every story I heard about that guy.

was beyond anything I'd ever experienced with any other host. I've heard the same about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about you, Justin? I feel like you've reached the mountaintop. You're a magician. You're all over Netflix. You're on the road. You're doing theaters. What's next? What's next? I mean, I hate when people ask that because you're killing it, so we should enjoy the now, but where do you go from here? I mean, you know, it's kind of just about...

Putting butts in seats? Like, all the TV stuff is really just about planting those seeds so you can kind of keep doing the live shows forever? Yeah, yeah. And talk about, we write a joke. Once you've heard the joke, the surprise is ruined. You're not going to come back. You got it even worse. Yeah. I mean, I get maybe one second shot at it when people bring people...

To watch them see it for the first time. Right. So it's like, you know, watching someone unwrap a gift. Yes. So you know what it is, but you're so excited to see how they're going to react to it. And then, and then, so it's two, two, two hits and I'm done.

But I want to shoot a live special, like a stand-up magic special this year. I mean, like Jonathan, you know, as a kid I grew up watching Amazing Jonathan's Comedy Central special. So I feel like I just got to get Robbie Prawe at Netflix to take the bait. Oh, they'll do it. Robbie Prawe, is that who you said? Yeah, or maybe he's a big fan of yours. Maybe we just tell him I'm you doing magic now. Ooh, yeah, we'll be on the edge of a building. They don't know who to shoot. Yeah.

A lot of tricks with jizz. What's the deal? I'm gay. That's a trick. I'm gay. Well, Carmichael already did that one. Can we get one more trick before we wrap this up? I mean, we got a magician here, for Christ's sake. We watched 38 hours of Triumph. We got to even it out here. Can't have too much Triumph. I'm sorry. No, Triumph is...

Listen, Mark, because people always said that they'd never seen the two of us in the same room at the same time, and now they have. I think it's time for me to teach you a trick. Oh, I can't wait. All right. And this is the first trick I ever learned as a kid. It uses big cards. But when I did it as a kid, they were normal. Yeah, but they felt big as a kid, so it makes me feel...

I feel nostalgic here. It's a spelling trick. Watch. I spell A-C-E. I get an ace. Right? It's an easy trick here. Okay. T-W-O. I get a two. Right? See, just T-H-R-E-E.

Get a three. Three. So, Mark, you got that? Okay. Take it and just one card. Do four. So, one from the top to the bottom. Do I spell anything? Yeah, so spell four. F-O-U. Oh, so sorry. Yeah, so. F-O-U-R. And then turn over the next card. Should be. Top card. Show them the four. No. What? Okay, hold on. I'm dyslexic. Here, maybe you missed. Here, it's just F-O-U-R.

Four. Four. Okay. Samuel, you want to try? So I'm doing five? Five, yeah. F-I-V-E. Yeah. Show them. Five. Nailed it. That's great. That's great. That'd be a great time to realize I couldn't spell it. Do you want to try six, Mark? You can try six. I can do six. This is easy. Okay. S-I-X. Boom. Boom.

Oh, what the fuck? I got a 10 again. Mark, it's just S-I-X. Six. You know what? Here. Seven's my lucky number. Try seven. You got this. There's a lot of new letters here. S-E-V-E-N word. Okay. You ready? Uh-huh.

Come on. What are you doing to me? Sam, will you do seven? Can you try seven here? You got this. S-E-V-E-N. Show them seven. Yeah. Very good. What the hell? Very good. You want to do eight? I'm literally a mark. Eight. All right. Okay. E-I.

I-G-H-T. Nailed it. Eight. Show it to him. Is it ten? I'm slitting this wrist. It's going to be. Mark, come on. You need to misspell it. You need to misspell it. I keep doing eight. E-I-G-H-T.

Wow. Very good. What the hell is going on here? Maybe it's because we don't look alike. Can you do nine? Okay. Two cards left. You got this. All right, Hitler. N-I-N-E. Niner. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. What are you doing to me? N-I-N-E. Nine. Mark, ten. You got this. Ten. Ten. Ten.

Come on, it came all this way. T, you can do this. T, E, N, 10. Hey! The special needs boy. Hold on, let me do a real reaction. Oh, shit! Run out of the room. Oh.

What a racist. Well, that was great. Well played. Well played. That was fun. I loved it. We'll work on it. No, no. That was awesome. You guys were great. What a duo no one thought they would love. The ambiguously magic duo. There it is. The title right there. Yeah, this is awesome. Thank you, guys. If you've got gigs coming up, you want to plug? Yeah, you plug in?

We plugged the trial. All I got is the special that's on YouTube. Looks like you're all over the road. I'm all over the road. Yeah, we got Chicago. We got Long Island. Vegas. Oh, yeah, Vegas.

I'm in Vegas for the first time. Where are you playing? Magic Capital. I think I'm the first magician to play Vegas. May 3rd and 4th at the Venetian. Oh, I heard it's good. Hell yeah. That's a big room. All right. Yeah, Netflix is a joke fest. You guys doing that too? I'll see you there. I'll see you there. Let's do it. All right, and yeah, you're all over. What's the website called? JustinWillman.com. Easy peasy. Hey, hey. Hey, you don't say. I'm coming to your town.

baby. Hear that eight minutes of jizz coming at you. PA, Philly, Memphis, Little Rock, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Bloomington, Evansville, Los Angeles, Hollywood, Coachella, Victoria, BC, Vancouver, Royal Oak, West Palm, Fort Wayne, Fort Myers, Boston, Pittsburgh, Seattle, and Spokane.

That's an all right one. Yeah, but you're up. Oh, I'm pretty much off the road for a minute. I will add dates soon. I just taped a special, so I need to write a new act. But I will be in Atlantic City with Chris DiStefano. Hey. But we're competing against Frankie Valli, so that honestly might be a better show. But AC, June 22nd, me and Chrissy D. That'll be a fun one. We're bringing some special guests. Hell yeah. And-

And that'll be a good time. So samoreal.com slash shows. Bodega Cat Whiskey might be in New York by the time this comes out. You got that right. So we'll be at the Cellar. New York Comedy Club's got two clubs that want it. Yep. The stand is going to be all over. Whatever. Yeah, they're all going to go. Bodega Cat, we're about to re-up on a big shipment because you motherfuckers went through the whole batch. Yeah.

We love you for it. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Thank you, guys. Robert Schmeichel, Justin Willman. Awesome, Ep. Thank you. It's an honor. Thank you, guys. Really awesome. Both titans of the industry. All right. That wasn't sarcastic. No, no.