Ep 173: Allegedly
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We're back. Mark's chewing an orange.

All right, I need my vitamin C, baby. Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, look at this, cuts. Yeah, oh, they've been hooking us up. They have good, right out of the gate you're going to plug, too. Sorry. No, they're great. I love their stuff. The shirt and the jacket is cuts. I love cuts. Dick is cuts. Circumcised. No, I wear a ton of their shit. They're great. Very nice. There's a care package. I love it. Little Gary's wearing cuts. We have some of the same shit, so we have to coordinate on the road. I'm like, don't.

We're both wearing a red hoodie. I'm like, you motherfucker. That's adorable. I've noticed sometimes my openers will look like me. Like I'll have this guy, Caleb Sinan, open for me. He's got curly hair and he's a skinny white guy. And I'm like, what am I doing? I got to mix this up. I got to get like a... Like a Yamanika or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, we're having fun on the road. I'm living on the road. Just got back from Albuquerque.

And El Paso. You packed a big one, I heard. That was a big one. There's nothing to do there. It's flat and dry like my ex. It's roadrunner country out there. It's wacky. It's a whole other world. I've never been. I loved Santa Fe. I had a great time. Really? Yeah, yeah. I thought the crowd was excellent. Yes. You ever on the road for so long that you get like, you're like, I'm going to buy something. I just bought like a leather jacket there. I never wear leather jackets. Really?

But I'm wearing it on this season of Is It Cake on Netflix coming out soon. I'm wearing a leather jacket. Really?

And it was a risk. And then Mikey Day at one point called me cool. And I was like, because I'm rocking a leather jacket. I've never been called cool. I'm rocking a fucking leather jacket. You rocked a leather jacket the other day. I had to rock it at the Knicks game. And you just feel like Travolta in Bay Ridge in Saturday Night Fever. You just feel good. You feel strutting. There's something strutty about a leather jacket. I don't even think he wore one in that movie, did he? But it feels...

He did? Oh, he definitely wore one. I remember the white. Yeah, of course, of course, the white suit. But watch the hair! But yeah, the TV's not on. Guy who thinks we can play the Bee Gees. Guy who thinks we can get away with fucking... Like, I haven't tried to get their tracks for specials, and they're like, oh, that's going to run you like 50k. I'm like, oh, never mind. Yeah.

But, dude, the Bee Gees are so fucking good. So good, and that documentary's killer. It's insane on Max. I love that shit. It was a different time because they were kind of struggling as a boy band, you know, the acapella, whatever the hell you call that, soprano. And then they hit it with disco, the biggest thing on the planet. There's an LJ.

Oh, there we go. Yeah, and the opening. God, I'm an idiot. That's Bay Ridge. This movie's so much darker than you remember when you watch it. So dark. I mean, this is old Brooklyn. There's nothing we're thinking about that character. Not one thing. He can dance. I was about to cut you off. Oh, sorry. He can dance. That's it. Not a great guy, but he'll hit you with one of these, and you're like, eh. But, like, so can Chris Brown. There you go. Yeah, but people seem to have forgiven him. Have you seen the charts? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's still selling tickets.

That was my only good line on my last Protect Our Parks. I was so drunk I couldn't think of anything funny. But they were talking about UFC, and Rogan goes, who do you think the best fighter ever is? And I go, Chris Brown. No one laughed. No one cared. But I got it in. I like it, yeah. Yeah. But this movie is dark. It's gangs. There's a rape scene. They push the guy off the bridge or whatever. I thought he fell. Oh, maybe he fell. Yeah, he falls. But his life wasn't going great. Yes, yes, yes.

That was a different time. He date rapes a girl and then calls her, can I say this without getting demonetized? Calls her a cunt right afterwards. He's like, now you're a cunt. Yeah. What the fuck? Don't do that. You won't fall off a bridge. Yeah. And we never thought twice about it. Like, oh, what a movie. Yeah, she's cunt. Hell of a picture. You know what's funny? I saw this too young because I remember just seeing all the clips and like, I'd watch The Simpsons and they would like parody it and stuff. So I was like, oh, this is like the fun dancing movie. And as a kid, I was like shocked. Oh, yeah. These movies will make you grow up.

Yeah, oh, for sure. When you watch some of these, you're just like, oh, shit, a dude just dies off a bridge. It's such a New York death. Don't fall off a fucking bridge. And what sort of hurry is he in? Or eating a dollar slice. Yep. What sort of hurry is he in that he's got to eat two?

Two slices of pizza on top of each other. He's got to get back to the hardware store. Sell that paint. But I mean, Porky's is dark. There's like a weird anti-Semitic ribbon going through it. Yeah. He says kite instead of kike. Yeah. Yeah. That was like the big. So he was like the dumb racist. Yeah.

Right, right, right. Yeah, Animal House is a date rape. They have the- Revenge of the Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds is the eating out. There's like two scenes in Revenge of the Nerds that could be on Law & Order SVU. There's like two legitimately dark scenes. Yeah. They're funny in the movie. They're great. But you break them down. Revenge of the Nerds was on TV the other day, dude. It is a fun movie. Oh, it's killer. Also, Underdog. When they're the band-

Yes. Young Anthony Edwards. Yeah. I think it's also on Pretty in Pink. He gives his drunken girlfriend to Anthony Michael Hall, the nerd. And he's like, this is me. And he's like, just take my girl home. Just take her.

I think that was just like 80s studios. They're like, but where's the rape? They're just like, no, we need a rape. Which we've now moved on to like, we need a black guy. We've come a long way. Real progress will be, we'll get a black rape. Hey, there we go. That was... That would be bad out there. I think Roots had that.

That was, the 80s had some, it's such a weird decade for movies, dude. Because there's such, there's some really bad flicks. Tarantino says it's the worst decade of film history. I think it is. Because the 70s and the 90s are insanely good. This is a great movie about Sam talking to his ex.

I have that image on a t-shirt. This is called the long goodbye. So it really is. I know, I know. I'll take that joke out.

But we've all been there. I mean, how many road nights where you're talking to your agent or you're talking to your girl and you got a whiskey and you're like, ah, God, I got a six-hour flight coming up. The saddest part is that ham and cheese is 25 cents here. Oh, those were the days. Mark always tells me that when he's on the road and he has to pretend he's having a bad time to his girl, he's like, oh, it's brutal out here. I'm so bored. Who said that? Him. Or maybe it was you. No, Vitor does it on the road. He would be on the phone with...

Gary will be on the road with me, and he'll be on the phone with his wife, and he has to pretend it's brutal. We're literally outside tanning. He's like, it's fucking... It's taking a toll on me. We're like fucking... Sometimes... Not the best. We'll be like poolside in Orlando, a lot of leg tattoos. It's better than what it could be. Snowstorm in New York. You got a coconut drink with an umbrella in it with the white on your nose. Like, ah, it's Gulag down here. You know, I...

I have a famous story. The first time I met Joe List, we had the same manager. He put us together for a road gig in Boston. So we had to ride in a car together. Five hours, never met. So we're just getting to know each other in the car. And we're having a great time talking Seinfeld, talking Chris Rock bits, talking comedy, whatever. And my girl at the time...

different girlfriend called me and I wanted to get off the phone with her because she just wanted to chat for like an hour and I wanted to hang out while you're with another guy in the car yeah she just wanted to talk she liked talking on the phone and I was I was like I'm in shock who's this oh that's a woman zoom in I can't see holy shit wow that is pretty dead that is hilarious small mouth no chin the whole thing all right

Forty's not big enough. I've got it all. She's got herpes, too. The whole thing. All right, well, the story's ruined. I'm sorry, Mark. It's not a great story. But I was in shotgun, and I'm like, I've got to get off the phone. I'm driving. There's ice patches everywhere. If I hit a patch, we'll slide off the road. I wasn't driving. Jolis is howling, and he hung up the phone. He goes, we're going to be friends forever. No, that's like...

That's like such an obvious guy on the road thing. You can't be on the phone. I know. That would really bug me. I've definitely brought people on the road, and they're like fighting with the girl. Yes. And I'm like, what are you doing? I'm paying you to do the gig with me. Take that shit outside. Get out of the green room. And they're like, no, fuck you. I'm like, please, just, you know. They're driving, obviously, because they can't drive. Right. And they're screaming, you know. Yeah, we don't need that energy. And then the weekend, goodbye.

You ever do the share the hotel room with any other con? Oh, yeah. I share one with a guy once and he was just scream fighting with this girl the whole time. Yeah. And then he snored on top of it. That was like a bad snore. I know it's not technically your fault, but you find ways to blame him. Yes. Yes. And you really contemplate murder. When someone's snoring, you're like, I'm going to snuff him out with the pillow. I can't take it. I don't.

I was rolling a guy over once. We were both drunk, but he was so drunk that it was like, you know the snoring where you're like, is he going to die? You know, he's like. It sounded like a dolphin. Yeah, and I rolled his ass. I didn't want to Jimi Hendrix him, so I rolled his ass over, and he stopped snoring for like 10 minutes, and then it started again. It's such a hateable quality to snore. That's why there's never been a forensic files about a snorer, because after they caught the guy, he'd be like, but I kind of get it. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like, it's so irritating. That's probably a big reason why there's like the women kill the guy over time. You know, women kill men slowly. That's the antifreeze in the oatmeal. Every time. Just put a drop in, six months later, he's dead. But it's that snoring, I bet. Yeah. I snore. My lady hates it. Do you snore? I snore like a chainsaw. She hates it. You never really know if you snore unless there's video proof. Yeah. Well, Sean Patton.

Worst snorer in America. I've been... I could see that. I've lived in a house with five guys. I got a brother. I got my dad snores like crazy. My dad's a snorer. All dads snore. All dads snore. You shoot a load into a woman. She has a baby. You start snoring. I don't know why that is. And you start sneezing like an asshole. Dude, I got a fucking peeve. The guy who sneezes... What is that? Just like...

I have a guy, he has two coffees for some reason on the plane. Oh no, he had maybe one coffee but he's holding the bag. Going right by me, he goes, ah-choo! What are you doing? He said, ah-choo. It's like an air horn. He said, ah-choo. Yeah. I guess that's what he was doing. Yeah, yeah. If you break it down. But my dad sneezes like, it's like a fucking air horn. It's like, ah!

I'm like, what is this? You hear birds flapping away from the house. It's crazy. Morgan Murphy had a great tweet once. She said, a haunted house, but just dad snoring. Or just dad sneezing. I fucked it up. But yeah, that was a funny tweet. She's got some good shit. She's funny. Morgan Murphy, shout out. Good bits. But yeah, Sean Patton, worst snorer on the planet. And we've done a million gigs together all over Louisiana back in the old poor comedy days.

He got a sleep apnea thing. The mask. I want to fuck him in the ass because he sleeps like a baby. He's silent now. Wow. It works.

Such a sad packing thing, though. It is. Those weren't made for road comics. Those were made for people that never leave. There's something so sad about putting that in a duffel bag. I know. I know. It's like a sign of aging. You look like Bane, you know? But you see his fat ass on the air mattress with that air thing and with that mask on, and you're like, thank God for technology. I think an air mattress with one of those is the saddest images I've ever seen.

The air mattress. The air mattress and the sleep apnea mask? It's a bad look. It's a bad combo. Connect them. Not a good combo. It's the opposite of Burt Reynolds naked on a bearskin rug. Yeah. Is a fat guy sleep apnea mask with the air mattress. We have a fat guy here. Peters? Oh. That's what we call a misdirect. Everyone looked at me. He's not on the show. He's the producer. He is on the show, but he's not on camera. Are you on camera?

Never? But every now and then you'll walk in and give stuff to us, and then the whole frame is taken up. Do you snore or no? You must. Yeah, six, six. Okay. Girl snores are cute, though. They're like...

I mean, you still put a pillow over their head, but with a smile on your face. Of course. No, I'll be in the bed with the girl and sometime she'll snore. Winnie always fucking snores. Winnie is an old bag, dude. Where is Winnie? She'll be back. All right. She'll be back. All right. Taking a little trip. Uh-oh. No, no, she's coming back.

I'm on FaceTime with my girlfriend, and she's driving. She's got road rage. And someone cuts her off in L.A., and when he's in the passenger seat, he just flies off. He just flies off. Oh, that's great. And she's like screaming like, fuck.

And then she, like, I see Winnie just collapsed into a fucking, into a pocketbook. So I'm like, she got a cushion. It was like her airbag. Okay, good. She was fine, but I was like, oof. I just see those little paws go, like, out the window. Just picture her flying through the fucking windshield. Yeah. But I feel like she would land on her feet. Yeah. Yeah. She's a survivor. She's basically like that Hawaiian lady on the dash, just, you know, bobbing and weaving.

There you go. The white power cat at the Chinese restaurant. They love that cat. They do. What is that? I don't know. It's weird. It's like Hello Kitty. Yeah.

Is that Japanese? Japanese. Japanese, yeah. Yeah, we're racist. So, what were you doing last night? Yeah, I want to hear all about it. I'm all hungover. I did a gig. I did Garden of Laughs. Crazy. I didn't realize how big it was. Apparently, they raised over like $2 million for this charity. Hell yeah. It's like, you know, crazy lineup. Me, Chrissy D. Oh, there's me and Chris D. with my favorite basketball player as a kid. Had his poster on my wall, John Starks. Oh.

That's the legend. I love it. Legendary. I had a good set. Luckily, I text both you guys my opener. I had to go bullet on this lineup. Great opener. And I opened the benefit where Steve Schrepper from the Sopranos comes out. And I'm trying not to laugh because his voice I just associate with Bacala. Sure. So he's like, we did a lot of good this year. Keep a straight face. This was Marie Ziti. Yeah.

Karen. Karen. Karen Ziti. Yeah. So set the stage. You're at Madison Square Garden. MSG, big deal. Twice in a week, by the way. Yeah, we were there earlier. Yeah. And then... We got to talk about that later. We'll talk later. But yeah, so I'm at the garden. Uh...

crazy gift bag too I got I have now two Morel Knicks jerseys custom they gave me one when I made and I got a Walt Frazier bobblehead all these like great gifts they gave me like a little suitcase that opens with like the kids thanking you on a video it's incredible but oh there we are John Stewart CeCe Sabathia Dwight Gooden this is the first time I ever saw my agent

Mike is a crazy baseball fan. He's the biggest Yankees fan. So I watch him. I've never seen him get starstruck. He works with pretty famous clients. Sure. Yeah, he reps some big dogs. But he goes up to Doc Gooden and he's like...

You know, like I read all your stuff. I've read your book. You know, your story. And I was like, damn, I've never seen him like, you know. And Doc, Chris has a big business special about Doc Gooden. Oh, that's right. About how his dad pretended he had special needs to get better seats at a game. And it was the Dwight Gooden.

Perfect game. Oh, perfect game? No hitter, no hitter. He's not the acid guy, is he? No, that's Doc Ellis. Sorry, wrong Doc. That's a crazy story, though. Great story. Guy drops acid and throws a... Well, he's a medical doctor. He can do what he wants. But yeah, oh, who else? Oh, JB. Yeah, he was cool. They did not want me in that photo. No, no, no.

That was JB, Susie, and John. I think John just saw me standing there, and he goes, Sam, get in here. Yeah, he's a nice guy. That's killer. Hey, Jimbo. Yeah, we had a lot. I got brought on by Henrik Lundqvist and Mike Richter, the two best Ranger goalies ever. Legends. Henrik Lundqvist. Hot as shit. So you had the bullet spot. What happened? I go bullet. I go bullet, and I...

My opener is $2 million, guys. We did it. And it's all going to Diddy's Legal Defense Fund. And it crushed. And I'm like, thank God. It got an applause rate. So I'm like, I'm in. It was one of the things where I'm like, can I say this? You know, it's like everyone's there. Like literally every person, every New York person, like McEnroe's in the crowd. Oh, my God. Ben Stiller. Talked to McEnroe for a while. I did a benefit for him like a couple years ago. He's great. He's cool. And they were a terrible crowd.

and I was struggling to be listened to at one point, lady wouldn't stop talking. I go, lady, shut the hell up. And I just saw Mac and go, go. Yeah. And I was like, all right, that's a, that's a cool dude there.

Was Dolan there? He was. We talked to him. He said, you better be funny. I said, I'll try. Oh, jeez. I hate that you better be funny. You got it, but you know. But it's Dolan. Yeah, no, he was very nice. And then Darryl from Run DMC. Whoa, shit. Very cool. It's weird when you talk to someone like that because you have to pretend –

I mean, obviously I know who he is, but you don't want to, like, what do you do in a conversation? So he's like, you're from New York? I was like, yeah, yeah, how about you? And I'm like, I know he's from DMC. I know he's from Queens. Wow. Yeah. Legendary. Who is this? Oh, Ben Stiller, Victor Cruz, Heather McMahon over there, McEnroe, Steve Sharippa. Oh, wow. Ben Stiller, very cool guy, Knicks fan. Hell yeah. What was this in support of?

it's garden of dreams. This was their foundation. It's like it for young kids and, and yeah, it's, it's a good charity. I've heard about this shit forever. Uh, Oh dude, Luis Guzman was the coolest dude ever. He hung with us like all night. He was, yeah, he's got a weed company in Vermont. He has like, he got like a big place in Vermont and he, uh,

he gave me, he's like, take my number. He's like, put my number in your phone. I was like, picking up Luis Guzman. That's awesome. Your girlfriend's like, any women hit on you? I'm like, Luis Guzman. It's like, no, so yeah, Chrissy and I went late. We drank pretty late and had a nice one. Oh, great. Yeah, he loved Chris. He was talking to Chris all night too and

Fun gig, man. Crazy. When you think of Luis Guzman, what do you think of immediately? What role? Boogie Nights, probably. Yeah, yeah. He was also great in Anger Management. Oh. He was great in that movie. Weird pull. And McEnroe. Oh, that's right. That's right, yeah. But, yeah, he... I also think of... Yeah, McEnroe was really cool. He...

He's a Queens guy. He is, yeah. I think he went to Dalton. I thought he was an Upper East Side guy. I know he went to Dalton, but... Well, he could be Dalton, go to Queens, or from Queens. He, um... Yeah, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Luis Guzman was telling stories about just smoking blunts. He said, like, he was telling me, he's like, the guy at my own weed company...

I was like, oh yeah, what's it called? He's like, Get Nice. I was asking, where does that come from? He goes, on the set of Boogie Nights. And I was like, oh, it's one of my favorite movies. They always ignore that when you give the compliment. I'm like, oh, just out of habit. It's like, if it's on TV, that's a movie you finish. And it's a long movie. But he's like, yeah, we would all be smoking blunts, like me, the whole crew.

You know, everyone would be getting high, and then I'd get on set, and Paul Thomas Anderson would be like, are you high? He's like, nah, nah, I'm just getting nice. Yeah, that's good. It's hilarious. You're just doing drugs, and you're like, no, I'm good. Yeah. Pull up some photos of Guzman in the Lower East Side in the 70s. There's some amazing, because I follow Retro New York on Instagram, and there's some great ones of Guzman, just like Avenue B holding a knife for some reason. You know?

He was just a badass. I mean, it might be hard to find. He was so cool, man. And then, yeah, I was just watching The Limey the other day, and he's awesome in that movie. Oh, there's one. I mean, look at that. That's fucking New York City. Who knows what year that is?

I mean, he is the real deal. He's been great for a long time. And I feel like, you know, it's funny. DeStefano is talking to him and he goes, you know, my girlfriend is Puerto Rican. And on my sitcom, we were trying to get like it got canceled, but we wanted you to play her dad. And he goes, would never do it. And then just kept talking about something else. Oh, he didn't mean it disrespectfully. He's like, no, I only do like good stuff. Is that what he meant? Yeah.

But Chris lost it laughing, you know? It's like, because he was so, he didn't mean it disrespectfully, but it was just such a hilarious, he's like, I don't do sitcoms. I do like, he does like, if you look at his body of work, it's like cool shit. Yeah, yeah, totally. Wow, that's incredible. What a gang of guys. And it's been a great week for comedy in New York because, uh,

I went to the Patrice O'Neill benefit party. Oh, that cool? It's just a... Rachel was tipsy. When Rachel's drunk, it's fun as shit. It's fun. And it's like, brr, Keith...

Everybody's there. Fucking club soda Kenny is there. We're all howling, laughing. They're all making fun of Rich Voss. Gaffigan's there. Soda's doing an impression here or something. Yeah, sure. Cat Williams. That's killer. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, great. And, you know, when Burr's in town, it's very exciting. It's just been a great... We went to a Knicks game.

We hit a Knicks game. We saw Dante DiVincenzo score 11 threes. What a fucking game to be at. Bert told me he saw us on TV. No way. I was just watching the game, and I was like, oh, there they fucking are. And they just saw us going like this behind the bench. Oh, that's great. Because Mark would not believe our coach Tibbs is like,

If you don't know him, he's like a psycho, but in the best way. That's why the team is so good. They're so disciplined because he's just like a military guy, you know? And they're up 30 against Detroit. Detroit's got a pretty bad team out there, and their star players hurt. He's yelling at them every play like, what the fuck?

And Mark's like, why is he still yelling? I was getting triggered because it felt like your friend's dad. Like, go to bed, you fucking kids. I got a sleepover. And he was so angry. He never gave a smile, nothing. Not a smirk. He'll occasionally smirk. Okay. Look up Jalen Brunson, Tom Thibodeau fist bump.

That's like, it was like one moment last year where he finally like gave half a smile, but it means a lot when you get half a smile. That's true. It's like the guy who never laughs. Yes. Remember William Stevenson at the comedy show? Yes. The most miserable guy ever. Never laughed. God rest his soul. But when you got that guy to laugh, it felt good. It met the world. Yeah.

Oh, there he is, Thibodeau. No, look up the video of the fist bump. Yeah, it's like 10 seconds. It's probably why the team's so good, though. You got to admit, it's like Singapore. No one's fucking committing a crime in Singapore because they'll flog your ass. There you go. It's the same with Thibodeau. This is it. Look at this. Look at this little smile it gives.

That was the most subtle thing on the planet. But it was a big moment. But then he does, he loves Brunson. He loves the team, clearly. It's just how he is. He's like an unmarried...

who just like, I think like one woman wanted to marry him and he was just like, no, I'm only into basketball. Like I just watch footage. Like he's that type of dude. Do you respect that though? I respect how committed he is to what he does. I think he's a, and he was also an assistant coach on the 90s Knicks where everyone talks about the grit. He was an assistant coach on like the,

Celtics team that won the championship and I think he's like he's known for being a defensive guru like he's a badass for sure like he's but they did a poll recently in the NBA who's a coach you would least want to play for and he finished first because he'll play as guys like 45 minutes

Yeah. Yeah, it's a tough gang out there. They're real scrappy. Yeah. That was cool. I got a laugh from one of them on the gum.

Was that Hart? Yeah, they have a little thing where all the players come to grab gum. They love mints and gum. I don't know why. Josh Hart's like, before he goes in, he's grabbing watermelon gum and just chewing it. Or spearmint gum. They're just grabbing and putting it in their mouth before they go out. I'm like, you're playing with gum? Yeah, they love gum. But the worst part was, first of all, just grateful to be able to go to a game at the height of this Knicks buzz. Because I feel like they're really humming right now.

And so we're lucky to get to see that live and be courtside. But we knew we were going to get on the jumbo, and it's a star set of the fair. It's Edie Falco, Tracy Morgan, Chris Rock, Cicely Strong, all these giant celebrities, and then us knuckleheads. And we're like, we've got to do something funny for when the camera's on us. We've got to kill this jumbo truck. But we put too much pressure on. There's not a lot you can do when you have to be clean. Yeah. And you've got like five seconds of –

just no audio like how are you gonna be funny so the gag we come up with for me Norman and Chris is like let's pretend we're fighting then turn to the camera and wave yeah didn't translate very well didn't translate at all even the woman as she's like walking away was like I thought you'd be funnier and we were like ah shit

Blew it. Yeah, we blew it, but it was tough. It was tough. Well, the camera's in your face. She goes, smile, smile. But we're thinking, well, we're not going to smile. We're going to fight. But you don't know that. So now we look like weirdos because we're fighting. And then we're smiling. We had one take and we blew it. We blew it. And then we're in the eating area and Chris Rock walks by. And he looks at our table and goes, comedy. Comedy.

That's pretty cool, right? Highlight of my life. Highlight of my life. I'm eating a bowl of ice cream. He says comedy. In heaven. And then he walked by again. He goes, couple of killers. Rock. Yeah. Bet that we didn't say one word to each other. The king. Yeah. We were like, let's leave this as it is. Yeah, yeah. Let's not ruin it. Both of us were like, let's try to top it. No, we'll ruin it. Yeah. You got to leave that moment. Love, Rock. I had a line loaded. I was going to say, tell special tomorrow. Just kidding.

That's your lines? This is like your jerk store. You're going to try to run into him again? Yeah. Well, it just takes it off us. It's about comedy. It's exciting. Dave Attell never has a special. It's exciting. But it's better than my Bill Burr P. Diddy mishap.

So you take a shot at the king, you better hit him. Yeah, it wasn't a shot, though. It's just like if he walks over, I don't want to be like, how are you? Cold out. You know, traffic was bad. I don't want to have that. I want to have something interesting. You're looking at your notes. You're like, P. Diddy's back in the news? Yeah.

Right, right. Something about Nickelodeon? Exactly, exactly. That's what I've been opening with, by the way, in New York. I just walk up and I go, hey, sorry I'm late. I was jerking off to the Nickelodeon dock. Murders every time. It also killed some childhoods. Yeah, that was a different kind of slime. Oh.

Nickelodeon, man. It's bad. Do you hear what happened? Even the Rugrats came out and said they got touched. Tommy Pickles. He went beyond where we're at. Doug Funny. Got funny touched. Yeah, not so funny what happened to him. Yeah, there we go. Even the Hey Arnold kid. That's why they call him Skeeter. All right. Skeet, skeet, skeet. They interviewed Kenan Thompson today, or he had some interview on some radio show, and he was like, yeah, that was despicable. It was supposed to be a safe space for kids. He was like,

They need to keep looking.

So I think there's more dirt. I think there's more dirt because I didn't. That sounds bad, but I thought there was going to be more like there was some bad shit, but I thought it was going to be like this unloading of Epstein, Harvey P. Diddy style conspiracy. But it was like one guy was weird with a kid. No, I think there was a few. There was a few guys. There were two pedos and one abusive boss. That was basically the side. All right. Abusive boss. It shouldn't be in the same sentence as pedos, right? Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying.

That's like when they tried to cancel Shane, and it was like, people who have been canceled this year, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and Shane Gillis. One of these is not like the other. Right, right. Exactly. Yeah. So, but yeah, great week. What a week in New York, and now we're here. We're back doing the pod. How about that P. Diddy shit, though? It is pretty crazy, right? I don't know a ton about it, but they have him? I don't know. He flew. He fled. He fled.

They don't have him? You mean physically have him? Yeah, is he in custody or no? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I think he flew to an island where there's no... Usually a safe haven for bad people. Yeah. Well, this island has no jurisdiction. What's the word? Extradition. Extradition. So there's no legality where he's allowed to be there. So it's a smart island to pick. It's weird. If you're an accomplice, obviously you get in trouble. But if you just fly him to the island, do you get in trouble? Clearly he's on the run.

The weird move is this drug mule. Are you aware of this guy? Who? Drug mule. Yeah, he's got a drug. You know you're a bad person when you don't just have a dealer, you have a mule? Right. That's like a big deal to have a mule, right? Yeah. And a little offensive to mules. Mules are just like, hey, I carry shit on my back up a mountain. Now I'm an asshole? Yeah, this guy just sucks stuff up his ass. Right. It's crazy. Mules are like, what do I have to do with putting heroin up your ass? And this is a white guy who played in the NCAA. Yeah.

What a fall from grace. Not exactly a Cinderella story there. Guy who keeps trying. Take it to the hole. There we go. That's a weird one. Andy's like,

I mean, I was talking to someone the other day, and she told me she's been to his parties. Really? She's like, I've been to some of his parties. I'm like, how was it? She's like, I mean, you see some shit. And I'm like, not like that. She's like, no, not like that. But a lot of famous people are there, obviously. I would go. I mean, who would turn down a P. Diddy party? I mean, look, if I didn't know about Epstein, I probably would have gone to Epstein's. Of course. We had Louis Black in here talking about it, and it was like, oh, a crazy dinner with a bunch of interesting weirdos? I'll do it. Yeah.

And I guess you gotta change. Uh-oh. This is Cat Williams talking about P. Diddy parties. Okay. That was my only goal. I didn't want to get with a white woman because I was scared she might have me running down the street like Jonathan Majors. The truth of the matter. So I stayed away from that. Now I've had to turn down $50 million four times.

Four times just to protect my integrity and that virgin hole I was telling you about. Right. Because P. Diddy be wanting a body. And you gotta tell him no. You've got to tell him no. Wow. I mean, this is like Nostradamus here. Yeah. I mean, no, people said this about P. Diddy that like he definitely, from what I've heard from people have just told me, they're like, yeah, he would like sexually humiliate guys. Yeah.

I heard he would pay...

male prostitutes to fuck his girlfriends. Yeah. Which my wife would love. I'm sure. He'd pay men to sexually humiliate them by forcing him onto their track. And... He would... Mo' money, mo' anal. No, he would... And he would make women, is what they'd say. We can't get in trouble for speculating, can we? Yeah, he would pay... Allegedly. Allegedly. Put that right up there. Allegedly. Let's call this episode Allegedly.

And he would like have these women, these sex workers, just he'd be like, you have sex with him. You have sex with this person. You do that. And it's like, if you're at one of these parties, first off, like, it's horrible that's happening. But also like, say no. Yeah.

Yeah. You could be like, no, I'm here to people watch, not to fuck random holes. Yeah. You don't have to just do it. I don't know. Maybe there's some coaxing and. No, maybe you're right. Maybe there's like, you know, intimidation. Yes. And blackmail. Apparently he's got. Blackmail. Cameras in every room. Yeah.

So he has you doing a compromising thing. You better hope you're having a good dick day when those cameras... When you're peeing, you're like, fuck, I'm having a bad dick day. They got me at my lowest. All right. Don't give me that wide lens. They're zooming in. They're like, still nothing here.

The hell? Now, does he change his name? Because he went from Puff Daddy to Puffy to P. Diddy to Diddy. To Probably Diddy. And then eventually Inmate 50601. Did he do it? He goes by Love Now.

Love. Yes, that's his new... That's a good move. Yeah. Yeah, you change it up. Interesting. A little confusing in the tennis game. Yeah, apparently Kanye's going by Juizer OK. Everyone's changing it up. Just the opposite. I know. But Love is, you know. That's really what he's going by, Love? Rappers really change their name a lot. He's a 90s rapper, too. It's really amazing that, like... I mean, I feel like even if it wasn't... You know, when you come up in the 90s, it was so much...

homophobia and rap yeah it still is but like maybe not as much as rap but in like you check those fucking comment section oh yeah it gets fucking heated uh and then you know obviously uh the violence of the 90s was like crazy i feel like it's just not like now rappers are like more in their feelings i feel like oh yeah drake is all feelings and all that jake cole it's a lot about heartbreak and all that but yeah you're right it's it's really gone from homophobic to like

Gay renaissance. You know, we're having like Nas X, little Nas X, and then the P. Diddy stuff. Well, it's not the same as gay. This is like trafficking shit. Meek Mill. But yeah. He's not gay, is he? I think he was dead. There's an audio tape going around right now of allegedly...

Puff Daddy having sex with Meek Mill. Really? There's an audio tape. It's pretty wild if you want to hear it. Really? Remember those on rap albums when there would just be like skits? Oh, yeah, yeah. In between the songs, you're like, who are these for? It's like this guy's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. Then all of a sudden they're doing like an in living color thing. Wow. Remember that shit? Yeah, I remember that. I feel like Eminem would be on like anything. Yes. Sip it on jizz and juice.

All right. Meek, he heard somebody had a great tweet. He said, y'all don't respect black men in America. I'm moving to Ghana. And one guy wrote, he's Ghana. Suck a bunch of dick over there. I can't remember who tweeted that. That's pretty funny. I lost it. Oh, poor Meek. Yeah. I don't know if you want to hear this, but it's... It's funny? It's not funny at all. Why? It's them having hardcore sex.

Well, let's play it. Let's play it. Okay. Can we get in trouble for this? All right, go for it. It's weird how we can play this, but not the Bee Gees. What a system we've created. Okay, I think this is it. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

This is reaching this sounds more like Serena Williams serving How is this what proof is there that this is no internet that's true Oh get out of here a little too easy to yeah, do this shit. I'm on deep fake Look how sadly a ghoul looks after that? He's disappointed in me can the audience see Elliot Gould just so they get these jokes. Okay, okay, dude Yeah, this is weird

it's i mean i yeah i don't know i i don't love all of it because it's like nickelodeon p diddy sex trafficking it's like we we crave all this dark shit i don't know why like you make a trans joke or a black joke and you're public enemy number one but then like we're like give me true crime give me pedophilia oh michael jackson doc oh bring it on this is so exciting epstein oh baby i'm like

This is the bad shit we should be not watching. Homeland Security is fucking at two of his places. That's a big deal. Of course. They arrested his kids. I mean, this is funny that you see that his neighbor is Ridley Scott. It's funny that there's all these sex parties going on and he's just probably reading a Napoleon book. He's like, got to get this. Got to nail this here. Yeah. I mean...

I don't know, man. Yeah, look, it's America. It's innocent until proven guilty, but it looks bad. Yeah. We could say that, I guess. I just don't subscribe. I haven't seen. I've never saw the Michael Jackson. I'm a Patreon for this stuff. I never saw the Michael Jackson. I didn't watch the Nickelodeon. I watched the Michael Jackson one out of curiosity just because he was such an icon. Sure. It was a weird thing with Michael where, like, look, did he do that? I don't know.

Did he do something inappropriate? Probably. And it's like, we are like, when it comes to Michael, it's like, there's this weird thing where it's like, we feel almost maybe complicit. That's why we can't, because we love his music so fucking much. Sure. I don't know anyone who doesn't love Michael Jackson. Well, it still plays. I hear it at Target and shit. Sure. It's still around. That's my point. Where like R. Kelly, you don't really hear as much. Yeah. Michael, you fucking, maybe, you know, maybe, depends where you are, but.

And he's older, so I feel like it's in the zeitgeist. It's in the tapestry of America, whereas R. Kelly's more current. Maybe R. Kelly, it'll come back in 30 years, and kids will be like, this guy's really good. I bet you're right. We should look who... He did what? That's how you find out about shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, fucking Elvis, married a 14-year-old. Literally just going Elvis. That's what I'm on with. Gary Lee Lewis, all these guys. Charlie Chaplin was fucking a 14-year-old. So was Led Zeppelin. But he did it silently.

True. Yeah. Good point. Good point. I thought it was Robert Plant, right? Robert Plant. Yeah. Zeppelin. Zeppelin. Yeah. So speaking about Nostradamus, here's Cat Williams on Michael Jackson. All right. Clean that underwear drawer before the hot weather hits. Make the switch to sheath and stay fresh and sweat free all season long. Sheath underwear is unlike anything else. It comes with two pouches. Put your dick in the one.

and your balls in the other. Keeps everything separated so things don't get stuck together and turn into a sweaty mess. I haven't checked, but I bet you I'm wearing, let me see. Yep, I am wearing sheath. Look at that. Hey, I bet I'm wearing it too. Let's see. Oh yeah. Always wearing sheath. I don't know where, there it is. Yeah. There's your logo.

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I really do, and I get props from the lady when I wear them. Yes. Gets her in the mood. I get a little, you know, get a little bump from it. Gives you a little help. Bulge. And then the lady, they make lady stuff, too, that looks good. So get on it. Sheath. Sheath. What year?

- Fuck Michael. He spent his whole life trying to be a white woman, his whole motherfucking life. Then as soon as the nigga get in trouble, now he wanna be surrounded by Muslims and shit. Michael, you ain't no motherfucking Muslim. You can't even be a Muslim. You got a white woman park face. How you gonna be a Muslim? Half your face is parked, Michael. Fuck Michael, don't get on TV and lie to us and tell us shit don't make no fucking sense. This nigga climbing up in trees and shit. Talking about, don't you climb trees. No, motherfucker.

♪ Got bills and shit ♪ ♪ Take your pita pan ass and make some pita butter ♪ ♪ Or some shit ♪

Michael telling niggas that done paid good money for him. Telling us shit that don't make no goddamn sense. Talking about he put his nigga dick in a white woman and came out with two babies that ain't mixed. Who the fuck do you think you talking to, nigga? I'm a grown motherfucking man. You put a nigga dick in a white woman and got two blonde, blue-eyed babies? Nigga, fuck you. Fuck you. One of them babies' name is Blanket. You can't name no nigga baby Blanket.

We know what the fuck Michael doing we've been knowing how Michael was if you don't believe me tell me was the last time Michael was in a relationship that you believe don't worry I'll wait

I don't know what he's doing. When was the last time you was like, Michael is fucking the shit out of that bitch? Not never. That motherfucker showing up to press conferences. He got Emmanuel Lewis sitting on his motherfucking lap. And we like, oh, that's cute. Forgetting the fact that Emmanuel Lewis was 26 motherfucking years old. That's a goddamn lie.

He's moving his voice. Have you seen this special? I haven't. He just opened it. I gotta watch the whole thing. He never stops talking. He never stops moving. It's amazing. I like him. I gotta watch this.

Yeah.

And when they come over there, I want them to feel comfortable. Now, what the fuck would Michael need in his house if he was trying to make little boys feel comfortable? I don't know, a goddamn amusement park, some motherfucking animal. That's killer. That's killer. Smart shit. That is a nice turn right there. He kind of knew his head in there, but the way he built that, that was pretty fucking good. That's what I love about comedy, and I'm a fucking nerd, and I'm going to go into it, but...

This is a guy. This is some black dude from Atlanta. I don't think he's from Atlanta. Is that right? I think it's Atlanta. It might have been Florida. Maybe you're right. Maybe he grew up in Florida. No, he grew up in Florida. I think he came up in Atlanta as a comic. I think so. Either way.

Can we get him on here? Do you think Cat would come on? I don't know. I think he's too hard to get. Cincinnati, Ohio. Jesus. But he came up in Florida, didn't he? Oh, yeah. I think he might have been a street performer for a minute. He was a street guy for a while. I mean, he ran away from home young, I think. Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant guy. Blah, blah, blah. I'm a fan. Yeah, I think he's really funny. So funny. I never make it through a full long interview, and I listen to his whole Shannon Sharpe one, and it sure as hell wasn't for Shannon Sharpe.

Yeah. He's a smart dude, but whatever. My point is he's a guy up there being hilarious, wearing a green fucking velvet suit with a crazy perm coming out this way and a little mustache and all this jewelry and a giant belt buckle. But that structure, there's so much structure in his act, like the alizé to build it up with the silk pillows and then to turn it with the amusement park. Agreed.

It's comedy, baby. That's stand-up. It's a craft. Well, I think it's almost like those people who...

take their outfit that seriously usually don't have that kind of attention to the crap yeah yeah true and so you're like oh cool you did everything yes yes but I equate it to boxing or UFC where you're like these are two guys slugging it out and getting punched in the face and hitting with elbows and knees to the fucking ribs and all that and it just looks like two Neanderthals going but there's so much technique and fundamentals and training involved and they know what they're doing and there's all this jujitsu and uh

Muay Thai. That's why I love it because it looks like this silly goofball guy just being funny, but there's so much technique hidden in it. I love it, man. No, it's...

It's cool. I'm in the weird stretch now. I had a new bit hit. I have such a low self-esteem right now when I have a new bit hit because I'm starting from scratch. Yeah. Then I'm like, I bet someone has it. Anytime I say a weird historic, like I did Han Dynasty, I'd say that as part of it. The joke was like when people make fun of people who don't have kids being like, you won't have a legacy. Someone said that to me, you won't have a legacy. And I was like, you're a Long Island realtor.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, let's calm down. This isn't the Han Dynasty. Oh, that's funny. You need an air to rip someone off on studio apartments. You know what I mean? So that was the angle. And it was like, it's a longer bit, but he was like, I said Han Dynasty. I just kind of said that off the cuff while I was working it out. And I was like, fuck, I said Han Dynasty. Quinn is always doing, like, history stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, no, that's not my bit. You pulled Han Dynasty out of thin air? Well, I was just thinking Dynasty. Dynasty.

That's a great reference. But then I have all these new. Are you working on new shit? I got a ton of new ideas. Let's fucking try some. I mean, I'm talking. Bad? No, just half-baked. I got some turds. Raw premises. All right. I mean, I got a nice new sheet of, like, bullshit ideas here that I haven't worked out. Yeah. Well, I cheated on the last show because I had that Clorox thing. I wrote that yesterday.

Yeah. The Clorox on the tits, I, oh wait, this is out of order. Out of order. Whatever, try it on us. All right, all right. So, well, I was just thinking about how women get objectified and sexualized and all that, which sucks to be a woman, but men need to tone down the creepiness with the catcalling and all that, but I think women could tone it up.

Because men, we get no love. They get too much love. We get no love. So let's even it out a little bit. Because I was at a pool party once when I was a kid and my balls popped out. And, I mean, a woman puked in the pool. An old lady fainted. A kid started crying. And I'm like, if men talked about tits the way women talk about balls, you guys would all kill yourselves. Balls are gross. Balls are this. Balls are disgusting. Nobody likes balls. And I get it. They're gross. But the point is...

We could use a little love. Like, a tit pops out. We have a parade. I text you. I'm texting my dad. Hey, we haven't talked in 10 years, but there's a tit on 3rd Street. You got to go see it. You know, whatever. So the point of the joke is we need to bring that down and bring this up. And then I thought, you know, we all love cleavage. And I got the other. I think instead of ball, it should be dick.

You think dick? Because balls are kind of gross. They are pretty gross. Dick is like the actual balls are just like tits are more. Pretty. I mean, ball cleavage does nothing. Yeah. No one's like no one is enticed by. But like women do like dick, but they still won't get excited if a dick came out. No, they'd be scared. I think dick works better. All right. Maybe I'll go dick. I think women like a dick print in sweats.

Do they? They do like that. Yeah. They do. The gray sweatpants is a big thing. Yeah. Okay. So that's basically the meat of it. And then I talk about OnlyFans. Ladies, you can do OnlyFans. So yes, you get objectified, but you can use it to your advantage and make money. Whereas if I put my balls and dick on OnlyFans, I would get deplatformed, shadow banned, and I wouldn't be able to go to Thanksgiving. My dad would be like...

My co-worker saw your sack online. Don't come over. You're not welcome here. We changed the locks. Whatever. I think it's funny that you're like, unattractive women are making a lot of money on OnlyFans. Yes. I think it'd be funny if you're like, if I put my dick on the internet-

People would be like, even people who don't like what I do would be like, I'd prefer your comedy. You know what I mean? Something like that. That's good. I like that angle a lot of like the OnlyFans, like, because you are taking a negative and making it positive. Right. Silver lining. Yeah. I like that. That's good. Because women are like, I want you to like my singing or my talent, but you only like my tits. Yeah. Men are like, I want you to like my dick a little bit more.

and like we want to be objectified yes we want to be objective because we objectify yes yes that's how we see it should be it should be a little bit more of a middle ground men objectify too much to the point that like i mean like think about some of the shit you jack off to you just like the second you're done you're like what was i thinking that was horrible 100 not the pedo stuff but uh well my cousin yeah cousin is the worst one i

I've always remembered that Attell joke when he goes, I think weed should be legal. I do. And everyone cheers. He goes, and I think if you really want to, you should be allowed to fuck a third cousin. Oh, yeah.

And they all go, he goes, all right, I took it too far. Yeah, yeah. My favorite thing in the Attell special is he kills, he gets some big laugh, and this guy stands up, and he's like applauding like crazy, and Attell fist pumps him, and he goes, get tested. It's just an extra joke on top of the fist pump. I mean, the guy got a joke in every fucking nook

and cranny. His new special is so good and the fact that like, Etel will zing you on the way to zinging you. Yes! Like, I remember I was on stage with him once before he even insulted me the first time was, Sam, you're a vampire. What do you think about like, so he's like insulting me on the way to insulting me. Ah!

I was like dying. I was like, God damn, he's... Did I tell you what he... You know Lev Fur? Yeah, yeah. You know, funny guy, big, big comedian, big dude. Physically. Yes. He got passed in the cellar, you know, good for him, funny guy. But he's in the doorway and Natal goes, so, Lev, you do any drugs? And Lev goes, yeah, I like some Coke, some Molly. And he goes, mm, everything but Ozambic. Ha ha!

I mean, come on! That's better than anything in my head. Did you laugh? Oh, everybody laughed. The whole fucking roof came off. And he's quick. And the word conservation is so impressive with him. Of course. The one that they showed online from the special was...

I got hit by a bike. It's my fault. I was on the sidewalk. It's a great bit. Most comics would be like, New York's getting rough. It's getting tough out there. You don't have to do all that. Just cut, cut, cut. But that's also why his special is shorter than most specials. True. Good point. With the short special, I'm like, okay, but you can watch an hour and ten minute special with less punchlines. Good point. He's banging it out.

So then the only part of the joke that works, but I like your OnlyFans thing. That's a good... I'll just say this is advertisers should buy cleavage space for... Because the other day I got the, hey, I'm up here from a lady. And I'm like, well, your cleavage is out. I'm sorry, whatever. But that should be advertising by Clorox. Then men would be buying Clorox going home and doing laundry. The wives are like, look at you chipping in. He's like, I had to do a load. And that kills. So that's the only part that's working, but...

I think that'll help. All right, what do you got? Did I do the stepdad one? Did I run that yet or no? I haven't heard it. I don't think so. I can't remember what I fucking never do on this podcast, and then I know I repeated once, and there's nothing more shameful than doing the same fucking half-ass shit joke twice. I'll know it if I hear it.

So I had one about – I have a joke defending step-parents. I had a guy be like, oh, my stepdad. And I'm like, yeah, that wasn't his plan A, believe it or not. That's not anyone's blueprint. No one's like someday I'll raise the kid of the guy who came in the person I love. That will be fine for me and no strings attached. So that's the first part. Then I have a whole thing about like parenting and how like I had a joke.

on Instagram that got shared around a lot. It was just joking how I don't have kids and all the comments were like, fuck you, enjoy dying alone. I'm like, just because you have kids doesn't mean you're not going to die alone. Best case scenario is...

You're on a deathbed surrounded by family. They're on their phone. They're not paying attention. You die. You know, the grandkids like, fuck, we're still here. He's texting his friends. It's been 10 days. He won't fucking die. And then you finally do die. And the grandkids like, all right, grandpa, I loved you so much. It doesn't get any like. So he pulls it. That's your legacy.

That dude, that's brutal. You pull the plug on the post. You pull the plug on the post. Yeah. Nothing lives in you. Is that too dark? And then... There could be something, too, about you're more upset when the phone dies next to your grandfather. That's actually my old bit, remember? Oh, okay. I did that in Conan back in the day. Oh, Oriental. I dropped my phone in the toilet. I'd rather lose a loved one. Oh, yeah. Not my mom or dad, my aunt and uncle.

No question. My grandpa was 89. The phone was brand new. You know? Yeah. It'd be cool if- Grandpa S? Yeah. The joke was, the big punch of that was like, wouldn't it be cool, this is how old the joke is, it'd be cool if when your grandpa died, if you got an upgrade, like a better old dude. It doesn't say the N word anymore. Did he still say Oriental? We couldn't fix everything. It's the Grandpa 5, not the Grandpa 5S. That's how old that fucking joke is.

That was like a Conan 2015. That's wild. Got Oriental onto Conan, though. Well, the TBS, they let you get away with that shit. Yeah, so the parent stuff, it's funny. It's like you put out enough specials, you start writing your own shit again.

I know. You're stealing from yourself. Yeah. You got to find new ways. There's only so many things. I think the stepdad is a... There's more there. That's a lot there. I had a thing I tried the other night that got something, but it might be... So I say, you know, there's no good PR for stepdads, but it's like a thankless job, kind of, you know? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I had a good stepdad, bad biological dad. I remember...

you know, but you fight with your stepdad. So I remember we were fighting once. We were yelling at each other. He was trying, he was like grounding me and I said, you're not my real dad. And he goes, you're right, I'm here. And,

I've quoted that to like five people. You told me that story. I've quoted that to like five people. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. You like that? Yeah, I love that. When did you hear that? Maybe here. You said it here once. Oh, I did? I love it. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad I heard it again. That's a great line. Fuck. Did I really just repeat another fucking joke? No, no. You just said that part. Just the end. You just said that part. God, I hate myself. Drink on a podcast. You forget. Of course. I think there's something with... I don't know if I said this before, so now I'm worried I'm repeating. But I think there could be something with...

dads are firemen. Stepdads are volunteer firemen. Ooh, I love that. Because volunteer firemen are actually more heroic because they're not even getting paid and they're saving lives. And no one will... There's no calendar for the volunteer firemen.

Peter, can you play the same clip after the clip? Did I say this before? Smash them up together, yeah. Just put him saying that, him saying that, and him saying that. Just put them together. Did I say that? I think so. I don't retain any of this shit. Volunteer, I think there's something there. Volunteer fireman. Can you remind me that after this? I think you're right. I like that. I'm going to play with that tonight. That's good. Ah, shit. Now I'm embarrassed. All right, let me try a different one. But it's brilliant. You came up with it twice. Did I just repeat an entire joke? Okay. No, no, no.

You're the sober one, so you should know. And you watch all this fucking footage. Also, you could say you unplug Grandpa to plug in your iPhone to charge it. Oh, yeah, that's something. That's true. Yeah, I like that angle. Volunteer, firefighter. I'm writing it down because I don't trust you motherfuckers. Save it for next week. Yeah, no, a volunteer fireman gets no love. You know, no one ever goes...

You're not my real fireman. You're a volunteer fireman. I'm here. You show up for the fire, and they're like, you're not the real one, though. Yeah. But I'm here, motherfucker, and I got a hose. They're like tits. Tits, yeah. You're not real tits. Yeah, stepdads are like tits. Just because they're not real doesn't mean they're not cool. There you go. There you go. Stepmom tits now. I'll jizz on both.

I took it too far. Third cousin. All right, I got a couple more. All right, this is good. We're getting some work done here, goddammit. Let me write down dick instead of balls. See, this is me at my job. Dick, not balls. Balls are just funnier to me than dicks and grosser, but... What was that Colin Quinn thing about don't use the straws?

They put their balls on the straws. Don't use the straws. Don't use the popcorn. They piss on the popcorn. Sounds like the problem is your relatives. Great joke. Man, CQ is the fucking king. I love his joke in New York Story. It's on Netflix. We watched that recently and how he has a whole thing about

you used to ask for directions and they wouldn't not only would they they'd give you the directions but the ritual was they had to shame you first oh so they'd be like they'd be like what are you trying to get and they're like

And they turn to another guy He's trying to get here And he'll laugh at you It's so true Yeah, so true Before smartphones You'd just be like Where do I go? And people would laugh at you Yeah, that's true So fuck it He is a master Observational comic He is the master Of like social interaction Yeah He's so good With all that shit Yeah, CQ The king The king Love him

Hey, Dave Attell, you and Colin Quinn. He's like, what, stagnant? That was killer. Okay. All right. This could be something. So, like every relationship, my wife hates one of my friends. You know, every guy has had a girlfriend or a wife who hates a friend. We've all been there. Sure. So...

My friend is like, I want your wife to like me. And I like him and he likes me. So I'm like, I want you guys to like each other too. He's like, what do I got to do? And I'm like, he's like, what do I got to do to get your wife to not hate me? And I'm like, you're asking the wrong guy. Because I think she hates me too. That hits. But then I want to do a whole thing where I'm like...

all right here's what you do you got to get her she loves italian food get her some red wine get her some flour take her out so now he's taking out my wife and i'm encouraging it they take the next step you play with your clit you go down on there you work the vagina then you're like fuck this guy's fucking my wife yeah yeah and i got other people call me like dude i saw your wife out to dinner with some dude i'm like was it going well was it good was she having fun that's good like yeah she looks like she had fun oh i'm

great oh great so that that could be a whole thing is that hit that's funny yeah that part does okay but it's still i don't know where to go with it but i like that you take it to a silly place i think i think those types of jokes just have to keep going yes yeah i think it's got to end with him fucking your wife i think that instead of getting mad you're like how was it yeah details details yeah all right all right that's that's a true story who is it i'll tell you later all right but uh it's

But I think he's making progress. Why did she hate him? She just thought he was like a shitty guy, like a scummy guy. Really? No, he's not a scummy guy. Ari? No. I'm kidding. Love you, Ari. Who was it? I'll tell you later. I don't want to get it out in the open. Fair enough. They're cool now. So we figured it out. We did it together. But I was like... That's like annoying, though, that you're like...

You don't have enough problems. Now you're like... I know. You're trying to solve his problem. Exactly. And he's like...

He lives in another town, so she was going to that town just randomly, and he's like, what do I do? And I was like, you got to do this, this. She'll love this. If you do, get her tickets to this. And so he's buying her tickets and shit. Oh, my God. And he won her over, but it was so funny because I was trying to hook up my friend with my wife, and I was thinking about it. This is gold. This is comedy. That is fucking hilarious. It's like a sitcom. It's nice when something ridiculous happens. Like, I was...

I was dealing with a realtor recently, and I was, like, thinking about moving. And then everything she said to me was like, we're dating. It's like, this is – I'm not writing a joke. I'm just saying, like – but she would be like, Sam, come on. Like, work with me, Sam. And I'd be like, this isn't couples counseling. I don't have to do any – I don't even have to talk to you anymore. Right, right. But it was like, Sam, I'm –

Do something. Yeah, yeah. I've surrounded myself with pushy people in my life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I noticed you do do that. What is that? I think it's almost like an abusive thing. Like, you know, the girl who keeps dating the abuser. Like, you're doing it. You keep going back to these guys. I bet it's my fault.

All right. What's your great line? The same women keep showing up? Oh, yeah. What is that again? I don't know. I just remember the punchline. Yeah, I can't remember my own shitty jokes ever. Yeah, what's your type? Oh, no, depressed women. Do you like depressed women? No, but they keep showing up. It was something like that. Yeah. No, but those... It's not a special. It killed. Yeah, it did something. Whatever. It'll take our word for it. It was a good joke at one time. Good joke. Seems to care. Really seems to care. All right. Let me see what else. Uh...

God, it must have been so nice living back then just because. Yeah, he looks really happy. Well, I'm just saying like there's a ham and cheese on the wall for 25 cents. In my mind, I'm like, oh, ham and cheese. I can't have the bread, you know, and the whiskey. I shouldn't have too many glasses of whiskey. Like it just seemed like we didn't know how bad shit was for you then. No one was fat. No one was fat. And you're smoking. You didn't know smoking was bad. They died younger though. They did die younger. By the way, we do have a drinking podcast. Good point. But.

But I'm just saying we know how bad everything is, so it kind of makes it less fun because it takes away a little. Oh, whenever I see the calories on the menu, I'm furious. I know. Me too. Great peeve. That's a great peeve. Good peeve. Cheesecake factory, you're like, 3,000 calories for an omelet? It's always something like, really? And then to add insult to injury, you're on the fucking treadmill trying to do the right thing, and you're like, let me see what I burned in 20 minutes, baby. 18 calories? Fuck.

Fuck you, treadmill. What are you kidding me? That's like an olive at the cheesecake. You know what the peeve is? Knowing. Knowing. That's my peeve. Awareness is a peeve. Ignorance is bliss. It's bliss. It really is. Knowing is a peeve. This could be a bit. Have you ever seen an upset down syndrome?

I'm just saying. And that was me cleaning that up. That was him taking a potential Seinfeld bit and making it into one of ours. You never see a Down syndrome guy like, motherfucker, what the hell? Don't do that act out on stage. He's on The Tonight Show. Like, what the fuck?

Why is he Italian for some reason? He's a Down syndrome greaser. Oh my god. I gotta send you one of these things. I gotta send you this shit. It's so stupid.

Leave all that in, buddy. Leave it in. You gotta leave it. I'll take the hint. No, no, no. We're both going down on that one. That's alright. We'll just put a picture of Gillis right here. Let me send you this. Instagram better or text? What are we doing? I just wanted to remind me of something I wanted to send. This one might bomb, but I think it's pretty funny. Yeah, and then...

What else? There's something else. I'll put another bit in a second. Yeah, hit me with a bit. All right. Oh, I texted you. Put that on while I'm looking for one. That was the old-fashioned text noise. Oh, God. Oh, hey, I love Brian. Can you start from the beginning? Yeah, let me refresh it. Hold on. By the way, I want to give a shout-out. Those guys have a podcast. I felt like Hitler just then. What? It was a joke. I just said I felt like Hitler. What?

Nobody here is Jewish, right? Uh, gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? Gee, I don't know, Jeremy. Are you? I had no idea. I'm sorry. Hey, Brian, we're both Italian. You're in. That's a good one. That's a good one. Italian.

That's fucking perfect. That's great. That's comedy. That is fucking comedy right there, baby. Take that. Cut that out. I don't want to get on her bad side. Why? Just seems like a scary lady. You know her on Tollywood.

That's great. Oh, by the way, Alex Sulkin and the other guy. Yeah, they're funny. They have a podcast apparently and it's gold. Dan Bolger was raving about it. Oh, he's a funny dude. I just saw him at your show. Yeah, he's killer. He was ripping. Killer, killer comic. Check out Dan Bolger in Boston. I'm going through all these phones. I hate most of my shit.

Jeez, I'm like, I have all these fucking premises, buddy. They're not great. I only got one more, so throw one at me, I'll throw one at you, and we'll call it a life. I got a few ideas. What's with the bunny suit? Oh, is that not today? Oh. Should we be wearing that? Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, it's too late now, but I'll do it. I'll do it for the photo. Yeah. Thumbnail. What's the point of that? All right. We've got a premise that doesn't have a punchline. You do? Yeah. Oh, wow. That gentrification gets a bad rap or whatever. It's whatever it is. It just needs rebranding. Like, I think it should be called like manifesting.

Like we manifested this neighborhood. Oh, yeah, the rebrand. Yeah. All right. Premise no punchline. You should move to L.A. All right. Yeah, all right. There's something there. You need a rebrand. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's also something that like those bougie white people are there into like, I manifested this to happen. So you manifested a whole neighborhood. Right. What if you change it from we didn't gentrify, we transed. We transed neighborhood. Transition. Already made it better. Transitioned neighborhood. Yeah. Then you can't push back on it. Right. Oh, you're transphobic? The neighborhood's different. Yeah. Don't dead name.

I said something like that to a woman in the crowd. Like, you were at the taping where the woman was, like, pretending to be British. Oh, what? That woman, she was like, I was like, anyone got a problem? And she was like, yeah, my problem is my friend thinks she's British, but she's from Connecticut. And she was like, that is not true. But she really talked like that. I'm like, what the fuck? And I was like, that's the next thing after trans. It could be like, well, identify as British. Oh, yeah, yeah. Isn't that appropriating a little? Yeah.

It is appropriating. It is. But I guess with another white group, you can get away with it. That's what it is. Yeah. So I got, let me try one. I try this one on you. I don't like when people like misuse expressions. Like I came across this thing of Bethany Frankel. Yeah.

You know, from The Real Housewives on Instagram, and she was in Emirates, first class, where you have like your own showers. And she goes, I'm so humbled to get to live this way. And I'm like, I don't think you know what that word means. It's not, you're posting it because it's cool, not because you have humility. Like, if I fucked a movie star, that's cool, but it's not like I'd post a picture of us in bed. Like, it is with great humility that I share that Sidney Sweeney has sucked me off. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. It's only because of my modesty that I can even tell you about this. And then there's something about like, no, like humility is if you post a picture of you with a legion on your lip and you're like, who the fuck gave me herpes? That's an act of humility. Yes. Yes. Showing like a low point, you know? Right. Right. The first part hit pretty fucking hard. I don't know about the herpes part, but we'll, we'll play with it. No, no, that's great. That's great. Like, Oh, I fuck Sydney Sweeney. It made me realize how ugly I am.

That's a funny line. I went Dave Attell on that one. It made me realize how ugly I am. What about me? He probably is gay. Well, there's another voice in my head. I love that. It was fucking Attell bits. I used to do drugs, but that was way over there. I love that. Damn, that's a great joke. He had so many on that fucking album with the...

Skanks of the Memory is the best comedy album. We talk about it too much probably on here, but... Well, Rachel put it really well. We were talking to Rachel the other night about it, and she said his jokes are so funny, but they're also interesting. He has interesting jokes, like SeaWorld is aquatic Auschwitz. That's interesting. You're like, oh, yeah. You're kind of calling out the, what do you call it, mistreatment of animals with this joke, relating it to the Holocaust. I mean, it's...

There's more there than just a joke. It's got some depth to it. You're right. Yeah, he is fucking great. He's great. He has so many. We were texting each other back and forth while watching that. And also, you know what I love about Dave is like, it's almost like a throwback type of comic where you really just need the audio. I know. I can just walk around listening to him because the voice is so good. Yeah, yeah. And did you see when he walked through the crowd with the recorder? So funny. And he goes. Zinging people. Yeah, he's zinging people. He's like, whoo.

And he goes, oh, this is some bald guy. He goes, I didn't know Putin had a son. It's just pure comedy. You know when they get the orange juice? Concentrated. Concentrated. He's concentrated. There's no activism. There's no message. There's no nothing. It's just a guy in a skull cap and a jacket for some reason being hilarious.

Yeah, he just killed it. Yeah, all right. That's something there. I might have another, but you go. Last one I got, because I think some of these I already did. But let's see. Okay, this could be kind of hacky or maybe just shitty. But, you know, I'm 40 now, and I like beer. I grew up drinking beer my whole life. We'd buy a case of beer, kegs, collards, the whole thing. And now I'm gluten intolerant.

My doctor's like, you're gluten intolerant. You can't have beer. I still do it. Yeah, I see. I drink beer with you sometimes. Yeah, it hurts and all that. I shit water and blah, blah, blah. But it just sucks that you just hit a certain age and you're like, you're gluten intolerant. And I'm like, damn, that sucks. But if I'm going to be intolerant towards anything at 40, probably best it's gluten.

You know, wouldn't that suck if your friend was like, hey, I'm having a dinner party. I'm like, I don't tolerate Muslims. I just can't tolerate them. And they're like, what the fuck? Where'd that come from? I'm like, oh, my doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just comes with age, you know. I just got older, I realized. And then so that kind of does okay. I think it's a bigger act out if unless it's your friend, it's the doctor doing it.

The doctor's going, what the hell is this? He goes, geez, you're... You know. Oh. He's checking you out. That's good. The x-rays came back and you're like, how am I doing? Filipino intolerant. Yes. He's like, yeah, very rare. Very rare, yeah. Okay, that's good. I think that's closer. That's not quite it yet, but it's like... The doctor is better. It's just like...

The friend thing is like a person could actually say something that... Yeah, good point. Whereas a doctor would never say that. That's why it's funny, right? Good point. But it's still not there. It's like a doctor saying... And it doesn't have to be a race. Yeah. Right. It could be. This camera up your ass tells me you can't tolerate gays. Yeah. Right. Oh.

That's not bad. You're like, really? It doesn't feel that bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I go, so I've switched to hard liquor to be healthier, which is silly to switch to hard liquor for your health. Oh, I've done it, dude. And it's actually bad in other ways. That's the point. You get ulcers. Yes, yes. But so then I'm like, that's like saying...

And then I need a thing where it's like... Yeah, switch to hard liquor for your health. That's like beer to hard liquor, so you need like an analogy. Yeah, like a... Going from... I stopped eating meat. Oh, what do you do for protein? I eat small children. Or something like that. Some kind of heightened thing that's actually way worse. Meat, yeah, but that's like too... That's too silly. Too linear. It's got to be like...

What's another thing you could switch off for health? There's also peanut allergies. I'm trying to think of other things that could affect you later in life. Dairy. I'm thinking like guns maybe too could be funny. Or like a different type of self-defense or something. What's another thing that could really backfire is what I'm thinking. Yeah. Alcohol, guns. Yeah.

wait what do you mean guns well i don't know like you're like this isn't it but i was thinking like i've switched from for protection from you know a handgun to like a giant gun like a bazooka yeah yeah that's not it but i was thinking it's got to be like that because it's like that type of jump right yeah beer to liquor is you know soft to hard so it's got to be something maybe porn

Go from like... Yeah, porn might be the angle. Porn's not bad. Porn's funny. Stop going to strip clubs. Now I just kill hookers. Strangle hookers. But hard liquor is worse. That's the thing. So it would have to be, I'm off porn. Now only strip clubs for me. That's got to be that jump. Yeah.

Oh, because it's live instead of video? Well, liquor is worse for you than beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to be healthier by being less healthier. Yes. So, yeah, I think going in person is probably worse than doing it at home. Yeah, good point, good point. Or now I just look in people's windows while they're fucking. That's better. That's a joke. We got it. We got it. Come on. Yeah.

Come on! Teamwork, writer's room. I'm done with strip clubs. Now I look into people's windows while they're fucking. That's good. Save a ton of money. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Look at that. And sometimes I have to run away. I'm getting exercise. Yes. Yeah. And I'm trying to write... I don't have any... I don't do a lot of personal material. You guys are... You and List, you guys are so good with like, this is happening in my life. I got a joke out of it. I am not good at that. Only because it's so hard to keep burning fucking hours, dude. I know. And I don't go... List is more personal than I am, but I'll have stories every hour. There'll be a couple of stories, but that's more like to fill it out, to structure it out. I have to put...

But I think I put my structure is always for every hour a bunch of jokes, then one long story, then one short story over. That's every hour. Wait, wait. Say that again? Every hour is –

A bunch of jokes. Yep. Like up top. So that's like 35 minutes. Something like that. One long story, then one short story. That's, I think, every hour I've ever done. Interesting. I think. Interesting you do two stories back to back. Well, I think you have the one that's like the real, like this is my closure, but then you're like,

This is like your little mini extra thing. Yeah. I almost hear you saying stuff like, one short story and we'll get out of here. Like after your long story. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, one short thing's coming up. That's smart because I think ending on a long story could take you out of a special. But the story not being the ending, the long one, I think is smarter. Because you're in it. You know, you'll never back out of it. And then the short one at the end, I think that's a good move.

Mine is totally different. Mine is gay, 10 minutes of gay, 8 minutes of gay, 8 minutes of women fucking men and women fucking

Then I go into social commentary, school shootings, and stuff like that. And then I end it. And you do a lot of... You'll get towards the end sometimes, or in the middle-ish, you'll do a longer chunk. Yes. You do have chunks. I have chunks. I got a whole chunk on cultural appropriation. I got a whole chunk on white culture. But that's your version of a story. I guess so. I mean, you have to just have...

parts where like if it's just one liners you'd be a different you're not that type of comic no you're a joke guy but it's like anthony jeselnik or something like that's all one liner even he will do a story so yeah he will he will but like i feel like he's like the guy who's like the one line joke guy now yeah whereas we're like more longer bits probably yeah i think so

Yeah, Tosh is kind of like that. Tosh will do joke, joke, joke, joke, long chunk. Yeah. Joke, joke, joke, joke. Let me try one more. I have one more. Hit me, baby. So you used to date a girl who would get really mad when I'd pick her up.

at the airport but i'm like i'm a new yorker i don't drive i don't have a car it's like a weird request yeah i should be really mad i didn't pick her up and she said well i could get raped in an uber and i'd be and i'm so dumb that i was like well take a lift that line hit and but then i need like so then i'm like i don't know where to go with it exactly the first part this is okay where i say this isn't enough but i say like uh

We'll just make sure he's like a five star rating because then he's never raped. He'd be at least a four seven or something. You know what I mean? That's good.

It needs more. There's something about like the one I tried when I initially did it, which isn't enough, is like, you know, I ended up picking her up, of course, like multiple times. Like I cabbed there and then cabbed back with her. It's ridiculous. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's a big act. I'm a good guy. You're being abused, dude. I know. Realize though that if I do a joke that might sound mean, I'm actually a good fucking person. No. So I go to get her. And then the whole time you're looking at the driver and you're like, he went to raped.

You're like mad he wouldn't have done it. That's good. That's good. It didn't hit. Really? Yeah, you're just mad. You're like, this guy wouldn't have done it. Well, here's where my brain goes. So she wants you to pick you up from the airport. She's like, I could get raped from the driver at the airport.

But you can get raped from any Uber. Any Uber driver can rape. Why does it have to be the airport rapist? You know? Like, you can Uber to the grocery store and get raped. So do I have to go everywhere? The logic doesn't exist. It would be a funny turn if I...

You see what I'm saying? The two most unsympathetic people that worked this joke out. You could use that excuse. Ah, I got to go to the dentist. I might get raped. I'm like, why? She's like, because there are people, like, they might, something might come over them. I'm like, all right. So then I go to pick her up in my car. I'm like, shit, it's a female driver. I might rape. Oh, that's not bad. That's good. That's good. Also, she could just get female drivers. Can you request that? Oh, what about gay Uber?

They should be grander for Uber. Gay Uber. Gruber. And then you get raped. Gay Uber, yeah. Yeah, then you get raped. Yeah, that's the third. This is like the structure of my old subway joke. I'm like, you're just going to let him do that? Yeah. Remember that old joke? Oh, yeah. Where the guy's jacking off. Yeah, yeah. He goes, he's jacking off to me on the train. I go, you got to stop. And he goes, I was doing it to you. And I have to turn to my girlfriend like, you're just going to let him do that? That was like an oldie.

but yeah that's a bit gay uber we need gay uber goober goober yeah or gay lift gift hey it's a gift dude yeah god's gift yeah i'm at the airport i'm like you need to come get me this guy's this guy's eyeballing the shit out of me all right there we go gay uber baby all right come on any any any wrecks or peeves or what

Oh, I got a peeve. It's a quickie. I can't stand... You say this around me, we're not hanging out ever again.

Anybody who says, in my heart of hearts, get the fuck out of Dodge. What is this, your one-man show? I know. I hate that. I got a guy, he's one of my manager people, whatever, and he's like, in my heart of hearts, I really think this is some of your best material. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Now I don't believe anything you say. It's so dramatic, so cheesy, so cringy. I don't even know what that means. It's akin to people like, that had me in my feels. No.

What the fuck are you? What are you, an alien? Who are these people? Yeah. I'm furious. Goober. Goober. You fucking goober. Hit me in my feels. That's like those ladies who say, cool beans. Shut the fuck up, Kathy. Hit me in my feels. I'm going to hit you in my car. Someone else is driving on the way to an airport. You'll feel that. How about any wrecks?

I just rewatched There Will Be Blood. It's fucking amazing. Oh, it's fucking good. God, it's so good. I know it's a 20-year-old movie or whatever, but man, it just... Oh, PTA does not miss with that shit. He's so good. I got home kind of drunk last night. I throw on the TV, social network. So good. Great dialogue, great movie. Great dialogue, like...

Every moment. There's dialogue where you're like, this shouldn't be interesting. I know. I know. This is not an interesting story. Yeah. A guy created a fucking app. Like, who gives a shit? But it's compelling. Riveting. And they throw in the legal stuff. So you're like, all right, this is kind of cool. Great. Justin Timberlake's great in that. He's great. He's great. That's Sorkin. Sorkin. And then Fincher directs it. Oh.

That's a fucking... Sorkin's, it's either the best thing you've ever heard or the worst thing you've ever heard. That's so true. There's no middle ground. That's so true. But when he hits, dude, I mean... What's a bad Sorkin? Jeez, I can't... Sounds like a sex movie. What's a bad Sorkin? You gotta give me his discography and I can tell you. I don't feel like there's a bad show, but I think some of the episodes, you're like, all right, dude, we get it. It's not like... It's not exactly... Well, he did that newsroom, didn't he? That was rough. I didn't like that. I thought it had moments.

It was so self-righteous. It was very self-righteous. But yeah, he's a beast. I did not like that. All right, so now I know. You know what I liked that a lot of people didn't like was Molly's game. That was pretty cool.

Oh, I never saw that. Idris Elba and a very sexy Jessica Chastain. Oh, very sexy. And a very sexy Idris Elba, if I'm being honest here. That's true. Yeah, you can't go wrong with a little bit. And the dude from Succession is in it, too. Ken Kendall from Succession. Oh, really? Jeremy Strong. I heard Bill Burr was telling me that new play with...

Jeremy Strong and Michael Imperioli is like unreal. Really? So good. That's the one that got walked in on with the climate change guy. Yeah, that was fucking. But look what it did there. Now they're just spreading awareness about that. Good point. They handled it well. Good point. They handle it well. Climate change. Come to my shows in Memphis. I'm not selling shit. So come make a splash. So I have him on the West Wing. A few good men as writer. Molly's Game.

The Trial of the Chicago 7, which I never saw. Didn't see that one. It was a little eh. New Good Men is good. Amazing. Amazing movie. And Sports Night. Sports Night. Sports Night was good. That was great. There was a couple episodes where I was like, ugh. But overall, I loved that show. I thought it was like...

It captured such a moment, too. It only missed because it was on when every show was a laugh track show. Right. And it looked like a laugh track show and there was no laugh track. I think people were confused. I thought they thought it would be something else. But it was just like a great...

I love it. Maybe ahead of its time. Very, very ahead of its time. Too smart for the room. There's a lot of shows like that in the 90s. I talk about The Critic all the time. Before we go, pull up Orson Welles. Did I send you this? The wine commercial? Or the peas commercial? I know The Critic or in real life? The real one or the one? No, the real one. Okay. It's so funny, dude. He's just getting shit-faced at the end of his career doing wine commercials. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I haven't seen this in 30 years. Oh, dude. Michael Lawrence and I are texting each other. He's having audio ones only of him snapping at people, being like, why would I do this in this pee commercial? And he's like, what would compel me to do this? He goes, you're a buffoon. Your ignorance knows no bounds. This could be it. Oh, this is one. Yeah. This is it. No camera. Oh, this is real. Yeah. Take one. With overlap. Action, please. So funny. It's so heavy at this point. Wow.

Look at him. He's so serious. His presence is amazing. Action, officer, please. He doesn't do anything? No, sorry, cut. Oh, he's drunk. Yeah, he is. 102, take two. Ah, the French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California champagne by Paul Masson inspired by...

by that same French excellence. It's fermented in the bottle and like the best French champagne. - Trying to read it, sorry. - It's vintage dated. So, Paul Masson. - 102 take three. - Action please. - The French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California champagne by Paul Masson inspired by that same French excellence.

It's fermented in the bottle and like the best French champagne, it's vintage dated. So pour ma sangue. The best part is that he just doesn't at all. He's at a point in his career where he's like, I'm only going to do like Othello and Macbeth and then these shitty commercials. Yeah, yeah. And I love the drunk beginning where they're like, action. Ah!

That's exactly why you start this pod every week. We got Robert Spiegel here. I love him, dude. He makes me laugh so hard. I hate to say it, there's a little Saint Germain in there. Oh, yeah. For sure. Oh, no, he's like a great character, man. Bodega Cat, I don't know if we're legal yet, but it's close. I mean, we're close to being in bars in New York. Yes.

We're already in some bars in Texas and liquor stores, but we're very close to New York, New Jersey, Florida.

In California. Yeah. If you're listening and you want Bodega Cat up in that motherfucker, it's happening. We have a new distribution. We're making it happen. We're almost out of our whole first batch, which is like what? 10,000, 20,000 bottles. I don't know how much we got. We got, we're almost out because of you guys. So, uh, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Thank you for supporting. It's only growing. Yeah. And, uh, thanks for rocking the Bodega Cat merch as well. Yes. We see you guys do. I mean, that shit,

When I was doing the theater tour, those sold out like crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time. And we're getting a new bottle, new website. I mean, we're really revamping and kicking it up a notch. So you're going to be able to get it hands-on. I mean, get it online if you want, but you'll be able to buy it, you know,

in person soon. Maybe we'll do a party, like a signing or something. Let's do it. Yeah, I would love it. First place it'll be will be a comedy cellar in New York City. They're putting it on the fucking menu. I think it's going to be their house in their old fashions in Manhattan. You order Manhattan at the cellar, you get an bodega cat Manhattan. So I'm pretty excited for that. Come by the club, get an old fash.

Say hello. Oh, and follow us both on punchup.live slash MarkNorman and punchup.live slash Sam Morrell because we're posting a lot of only you can see content here. It's uncensored and we're getting flagged on shit like Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff. So you get it free.

The only thing we ask for is your email address. And we're only going to blast you when we have either a special or come into your city. It's a really good app. Everyone's on it now. PunchUp.live slash MarkNorman or PunchUp.live slash Sam Morrell. This is a good place to...

It's like Patreon. Instead of paying us, you just give us your email. Yeah. You get all the info. You get a bunch of free content that we're going to post. It's only available there. Never any spam, which is great. Yes. No spam. We're not going to spam you. We appreciate your support. No spam. No ma'am. Thank you. And yeah, where are you going to be? Some dates, Mark? You plug. Is this me? Is you? Oh, okay. It's Punch Up. It's Punch Up. Oh, great. Punch Up. I'm going to New Haven. Love.

Love New Haven. Get some pizza. I'm a Pepe man, but I don't know if I've had Sally's. Sally's is legit. Philly, coming back. Love Philly. One of my favorite comedy towns. Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse.

Salicu's. Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Bloomington, Evansville, L.A., Coachella, Victoria, B.C. Never been there. I hear it's a beautiful island. Vancouver, Royal Oak, Fort Wayne, West Palm, Fort Myers, Boston, Pittsburgh, and Spokane and Seattle at the Moore. Going back to the Moore. My favorite. Top five theaters, I think. Easy, easy. Hey, Salicu's, what's your favorite movie, by the way?

It's not my favorite movie, but if I can wreck something at the end of the show, I'm stealing this from Benny Safdie. I saw him on a red carpet and he was like, what are you watching? And he said this movie called Sherman's March. I've heard of it. It's a documentary. Yes. I saw this on Letterboxd, right? Yes. Okay. It's from like 1981. It's about this. It's a very personal story of a guy. It's a horror movie, right? No, no. It's a documentary about a guy following Sherman's March.

which is the guy after the Civil War. Yeah, the war movie. No, it's not a war movie. But it's about a guy who was in the war, no? Correct, sorry, yes. But it turns into a personal story about him going to visit all his exes along this path. So it's like his personal Sherman's March. Oh, that's great. So he's going through the South visiting all his exes. All right, give me another one of your favorite movies. Ooh, okay.

If it was one movie that you would describe as like the most Salicu's movie? Dog Day Afternoon. One more. Pelham? Pelham 1, taking a Pelham 1, 2, 3. One more? What do you got in your pocket? What's going on here? What's happening? What's going on here? One more. Who's coming through the door? Taxi driver? Taxi driver, yeah. Fucking prick, just take the shirt. Let's see.

Oh, we were close. Oh, this is my favorite movie. Oh, shut up. That's a killer shirt. Oh, look at that. You can wear that and jizz all over it. There you go. All I got on the road is right now I'm going to add a lot of stuff, workout dates. I've got to write a new hour. But Atlantic City, June 22nd.

with Chris DiStefano. Hell yeah. I'm excited for that one. It's going to be fun. But I'm going to add some stuff soon. So you'll be doing city spots like a madman. I'm going to be popping around. Nice. I'll be on your shows. Bring it on. I'll be coming through. I heard you killed on Tuesday. They were good. Ruby said that. They were good. You know what? I bombed in the set right before that. So it's

it's an up and down process. That's the game. That's the game. Got to work it out. I love it. I'm loving the process right now. It's like, I'm embracing it fully. And I was talking to Quinn about it because he's in the same place and we're both like,

You feel alive. You feel like you're right. Yes. People think it's time to see you when your hour is done. This is the fucking time to see somebody. It's so much more interesting. There's a reason this calendar is empty, buddy. I'm trying to build it up. Well, if you're a comedy fan and you like the process, yeah, go see how the sausage is made. But there's nothing like a killer hour. It's better to eat a good sausage. Okay, fair enough. Yeah. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Comedy. This woman doesn't.