Ep 171: Ari Shaffir and Dan St. Germain - Life Of The Paddy
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Hey, hey, folks. Happy St. Paddy's. Good to be here. We got Dan St. Germain, an alcoholic. We might have a pop in in a little bit. Uh-oh. Careful. Look at that. That's great. Does that win?

I should have kept my relapse going for this episode. I know, yeah. I'm sorry about that. That was really insensitive of me. How long have you been out of rehab? About four months. Good to have you back. I tell you not to drink these, but I made an exception. It's right on page one of the pamphlet. How many do you have to drink to get just a

These are zero. You can't get anything. This is nothing. I kind of want to try one. And I'm on Anabuse, so if there was any alcohol, I would get like violently ill. Cheers. Hey, wait. Can you pour me a smooch of that? I want to see how real it is. Yeah, for sure. Just a smooch. I'm sure it tastes like beer, right? It tastes like Heineken. That's enough. I've never had an NA. Cheers. This is good. It's pretty good. I mean, it's better than like O'Doul's for sure.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's not bad, right? It tastes like a beer. It's crisp, only 69 calories. Guys, fucking promote, you know.

I'm willing to be your spokesperson. I love this guy passed out behind a dumpster, went to rehab, and he's like, this is low carb. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. And we got when he's going to get drunk. Did I tell you when I was there, there was this one dude, I guess like they found out I was a comedian, and one of the guys had just started and had just done like a thing at Governor's, and I was having panic attacks every day I was there, and he was pitching me new material while I was like...

Having a panic attack and convulsing on the floor. You're like, give me a drink. I can't take it. He's probably going to blow up. That's the type of. And that was Matt Wright. How is rehab? Is it like the movies? This is the fifth one I've been to. This was really nice. How much money is that around, do you think? Well, I got insurance. Wife's insurance. Thanks, baby. Love you. Your wife's insurance? Yeah, yeah. Wife's insurance totally covered it. Whoa.

Damn, we should take a vacation. Yeah, dude. Free vacation. They're beautiful. They're always on the beach and shit. Yeah, this one's good. Wellbridge Recovery. They made it for the super rich, but not enough rich people came, so then they started taking insurance. Hell yeah. Much better than the last one. Give me some deets. Like, you got a lap pool, some... Well, the pool was closed, and that was, like, a big bone of contention, because we also had, like, rehab government.

where there was a rehab mayor and a rehab comptroller and shit like that. Damn. But we had one guy who had just turned into a woman. So she was, as a he, he was a champion powerlifter. So there's videos of him just killing it online. All right. And now she's a she, so it's her first time getting sober. Oh, she's going to be an even better powerlifter now. Yeah.

So, yeah, she was there. We had a dance. What? I met one dude while I was there who, like...

I asked him what he did, and he said military. And I'm like, what division? And he's like, snakes. I was like, oh, so you also have a drug problem. What does that mean? I don't know. He's a fucking Cobra Commander. But he was a guy we all were really nice to. Because when you leave, rehab plays your favorite song before you leave. So we played Brown Eyed Girl for him when we all sang, and he danced in front of us. And then he left. So...

Good for him. There you go. What was your song that you left on? I, Florence and the Machine song, Florence and the Machine. So my one was kind of like emotional. I saw them live. You know, it was, was it good? It was great. Yeah, she's awesome. I want to leave to I'm a Real American. Kenny Powers? Which Florence and the Machine song? It was Shake It Out.

How do you pick the song? Do you think about this? I thought about it, yeah. I should have just done a fun one because everyone does emotional ones, but I was emotional. I would go chumbawumba. I have a vodka drink and a whiskey drink. A cider drink. Dude, it was so nice. This is how nice the rehab was. Four people relapsed and then went back to the rehab while I was there. Whoa! Was it fun to be like, hey, welcome back? They seemed kind of bummed out, but yeah. That's...

What's a day like in rehab? Walk us through an average day. You start out with a meditation, so it's usually like an hour or yoga, depending on what you want. Wow. Then there's art therapy. I have like a rehab snowman. There's a yoga teacher. Please, please. If you want. There's a teacher. You're not just doing the yoga yourself. No, no. We all have. Yeah, we have two. I have one rehab where it was like Lord of the Flies, and they let us all control it, and we were just at each other's throats the whole time.

But this one was like, you know, much more professional. Sure. Then there's group therapy. Then we have like individual therapy. And we do have a gym. So there's like some exercise with it. A lot of journaling. The first couple days you're in detox.

which is like crazy because people are like screaming. They're getting off shit, you know. But then you're moved into the dorms and watched a lot of Sopranos. It wasn't a bad time at all, honestly. Like summer camp. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I've had way worse road weekends, you know, my month in rehab. Roommate?

No, I did have one, but I had this young kid, but he was like sneaking in vapes. So they tossed all my food and I got pissed off. So they gave me my own room for like the last two weeks. Hell yeah. How did he toss your food? Because like once they hear there's vapes or something, they have to go through everything. And then they found like a bagel that I had wrapped. Well, it wasn't wrapped. And they had to throw it out because it's like a...

you know, it's like a food rule. Damn, that sucks. Is it all booze and drug? Or is it like fat people and not sex? No, no fat people. But I mean, there's a lot of like cross-addicted stuff.

For sure. Yeah. You ever been to him? No. No? No. You seem like you ever shit together. Yeah. Yeah, come on. He likes whippets. He has like the nitrous mask from Blue Velvet on. I went as him for Halloween one year. Oh, you did? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I did. I could see that. You're such a pretentious motherfucker. Yeah.

Doing David Lynch Halloween costumes. Everyone's like, can you be Freddy, man? How about Freddy? How about the Wolfman? Yeah. It would be fucking blue velvet. I got a good movie rec for you guys, actually. Fucking scrolling Criterion, an Ellie Gould movie pops up. I've never heard of it. It's called Silent Partner. It's Ellie Gould and Christopher Plummer. I guarantee you they got the idea of Bad Santa from this movie. No way. It's like a Santa bank robber. Oh, for sure. It's a really cool movie.

Wow. 78? That's what it says. Elliot Gould's cool as fuck in this year. Put him down. And Christopher Plummer's never not cool. He's great. He's always good. Look at that. Is that old New York? Yeah, it's cool. Did he just die?

Did he die? Yeah. Who? Chris Performer. Whoa, look at this. The banker? Yeah. Oh, this is every Jew's dream to shut down Christmas. No, it's really cool. It's on Criterion. 70s chicks were the hottest. So hot. So hot. Was that the girl from Love Story? No, that's Ally McGraw.

She was not as hot as Ally McGraw, but she was in the conversation. There were some hot chicks in this movie. For sure. And it's a fun flick. Ellie Gould was just cool, and Christopher Plummer was cool. Yeah. Yeah, I want to hear more about rehab, though. Yeah, we just start getting into the intricacies of Robert Altman for the next 45 minutes. Bash. Yeah, so no, we...

I mean, while I was there, I did spend Thanksgiving there. Oh, that's tough. Yeah, it was... I mean, it was like one of the most delicious Thanksgiving meals I've ever had. It was... I mean, the stuffing was out of this fucking world. Yeah. No rum cake. The only thing that was like... Although, it's like the number one drinking day, I feel like. Oh, yeah. Family. That's a good database. There was a lot of guys coming in. Yeah. That night of Thanksgiving, there was a lot of guys coming in. Yeah. But we had one...

I mean, the thing that was the funniest thing about this was, like, my therapist just quit, like, during my time there. Like, I showed up the next day, and she was like, she doesn't work for the facility anymore. Uh-oh. You walked her? I don't think... Well, I was showing her my comedy. She liked it, you know? Oh, no!

Did you really do that? I showed her some of the... Hey, check out this Fallon set in 2015. No, I wrote for that, you know that Immoral Compass, that Bill Burr sketch show? Yeah. Tyler Falbo greener, I wrote for that. So I showed her some sketches for that, and she was like sharing them to her friends, I think. I think she liked it. Friends, you gotta get out of there.

She's going to see this episode and kill herself. Well, I premiered my special Dance Fatty Dance Hat now. I premiered it in rehab. Oh, no. Yeah, that wasn't. They all wanted to see it. And they saw it. Did fine. You know what I mean? Were people enjoying it? Some people enjoyed it. Some people were like, this isn't fucking Cat Williams, you know? So it was like, I think some people liked it. Some people didn't. It's Fat Williams. It's Fat Evan Williams. Yeah.

Yeah, so it was a trip, man. I mean, I got a lot out of rehab this time around. I'm glad you're all right, man. Yeah, I'm glad to be back. You gave a friend a large man named Chief. I think I was supposed to do the show, and then I just texted you guys, hey, I'm going to be out for a month or two. Hell yeah, well, it's good to have you back. Good to be back. Good to be back. You could drink with the best of them, I will say. I don't want to say it's the best of them. You ended up in rehab.

We drink one night. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think we fucked. Yeah. I think so. I think so. Yeah. I was that, I was, I was that homeless woman from the shelter. You've told it story a different way. First time I ever met Dan St. Germain. I was handing out flyers for the underground lounge on 107th street. So was he across the street. And I remember at like, we had to do it for two hours to get, I don't know, seven minutes of stage time. Yeah. And I watched Dan walk over to the guy like an hour 50 and be like,

I'm good, man. And they were like, you just have to do 10 more minutes if you get to go on. And Dan's like, that's all right. And I was like, who is this person that hates himself this much? That he would hand out flyers for almost two hours and then just go home. I'm just here for the barking, man. What is this?

I'm just here for the love of barking. I was like, wow, this guy is, I'm fascinated by this person. And we became friends. And we became friends, yeah. Yeah. Damn. Dan was always a funny dude, man. So funny. That was 110th Street. I remember that room. Yeah, it was actually. With Jeff Cole where he did the thing with the fucking plunger on his head. Yeah. I did that. That was a great room. Ball guy who put the plunger on his head. Yeah. Is that still going? I don't know. Oh.

I don't, yeah, no one goes that high up anymore. But yeah, great room. Good to have. We used to do open mics together. Oh yeah, we started. And you would fucking crush. You know, open mics are notoriously horrific, brutal, quiet. You would crush too. We were the kings amongst the corpus. Yeah. Just to quote. The blind leading the blind, but it was like me, you, Mike Lawrence, Mike Drucker. I did a show with him on Saturday. Oh really? Really?

Yeah, yeah. He's more of a writer guy now, but he's still in a stand-up. Yeah. Remember we went to his wedding. I remember that. I came back. I brought the table of drinks to the – I brought a platter of drinks to the table, and Mark goes, ah, Dan's back. Yeah.

But yeah, that was... Yeah, that did... Unfortunately, that didn't work out. The wedding or the drinking? The wedding. I think they both worked out the same. Five rehabs is a lot. Hell yeah. You know, to be fair, like two of them were out... Three of them were outpatients. So I did that from home, you know, or I would go in and just... How did you rehab from home? Well, you Zoomed. I was Zoom rehabbing from home. Really? Yeah, for sure. How is that...

work better because you don't have to go in yeah it was it was it was i mean like there's like a lot of it like some of it was like because the guy was like there was guys that were like going to jail for shooting somebody but other times it was mostly just like a stockbroker who didn't want to leave his house um yeah so i did that and uh then parallax which i think that's still around on like 33rd it's in murray hill i did that in outpatient and uh

It was like a lot of group therapy. I was really into my therapist there named Karen, a German lady. Ooh, baby. I'm not going to give her a last name. I can imagine. You wanted to fuck your therapist? When I was like 26 at the time, yeah, for sure. Yeah, well, you're married now, but I bet rehab sex is fucking hot.

A friend of mine is still married to the girl he fucked in rehab. There you go. Because you can't booze, you can't do drugs. I know, we're a very nice lady. I shouldn't just say girl he fucked in rehab. Yeah. What was that? Girl interrupted?

yeah is that rehab i think i think that's like troubled girls oh that's each other and shit now that's a poor you know who was fucking hot though angelina jolie in that movie jesus christ she was out of this world i think that was like murphy actually she was in that but she actually od'd she od'd she was the dead one in that in real life dead one after that method method acting

But, yeah, I feel like that was like girl, shittier girl, one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Yeah. It was young adult, one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Right, right.

One flew over the hot topic. That's what that whole movie felt like. Are there any rehab jokes in the new special? There's a couple. No, not the new one. The old one I did, the half hour, because that was like the last time I went to inpatient. I have some rehab jokes there. But no, I just started like I filmed this last June. So no rehab stuff in this. But the next one will have some rehab jokes. This is a long turnaround. Yeah, a long turnaround. Rehab. I mean, you know.

But now you're out. You're doing all the pods. You're doing the run. You're doing the pod. Is that? Oh, that's you in the outfit. Yeah, I found the pic. You look like James Gandolfini there. Not what I was going for. No.

You look like Gandolfini now. Dead. Clams Casino. Last night in Florence, Gandolfini. Read that fucking lineup of shit he ate. That list of shit. Oh, it's wild, dude. It's wild. It's impressive. It's like 12 highballs, 19 lobsters. Who? Gandolfini the night he died. 12 lobsters? Back-to-back orders of...

Fried king prawns with mayonnaise, chili sauce with large portion of foie gras. Wow. That's goose liver. Four rum shots, two beers, and two pina coladas. He lived. Pina colada is a weird thing to kill you. Yeah. It's so dainty. It's like a fun drink. It's fruit. He overdosed on daiquiris.

Just somebody doing a Hari Kari with the little umbrellas. Oh, shit. Hari Kari. There he is. Hari Kari. There we go.

Hey, way to dress up. We even got you a shirt, but you did it on your own. I wasted a free shirt offer? I know, you keyboard elf. God damn it. What's up, buddy? You look like a Jew Smurf. We're talking about rehab. My friend already. He's about rehab. He's back. On zeros, baby. On zeros. No, no, zeros, zeros. I'm on anti-butes. I can't do the .5s. We got Guinness if you want it, non-alcoholic, and beer, and a green beer, and a pitcher. We got some whiskey over here, too. One of you guys should get super shit. I guess we go Irish whiskey, right? Yeah.

The most underrated of Irish whiskeys? Oh, yeah. You had a great bit about that. Remember that? Evan Williams? That was your big bit. Yeah, back in the day. Tom or Dew is the best. I mean, that was my favorite whiskey. That was my favorite. That at Paddy's, I was always... Oh, yeah. And then when they look at you like...

Correct call. Yeah. It makes you feel good. Yeah, no, it goes down real smooth. I usually just win JMO. Oh, tell him or do. Always get tell him or do if you can. Very nice. Oh, you got the Mack one. Are you giving him scotch? No, no, no, no, no. Give him the tell him or do. It's Irish. Scotch whiskey. Oh, that's different. Jesus. God fucking damn it, Matt. What is he, a senator? Tell him or do for 20 minutes. Yeah.

What kind do you want? I'm going to say Tullamore Dew. Yeah. By the way- What's up, Matty? How you doing? Patty is a slur for Irish people, and no one cares. The patty wagon. But they're saying it. And if you feel the word rice right before it, it's an Asian person. Oh, yeah. That's true. Rice patty? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Good name for a hot Asian brood. But-

But yeah, Paddy Wagon is a, because Irish people was like, need not apply. They always went to jail. So that's a slur. You know what else? Irish car bomb. Yes. They don't like it. No. Really? Yeah, because it's about what they used to do to the fucking Irish. It kills them. Well, kamikaze for the Japanese. We're just, we're really. I mean, we should have a 9-11, right? This show specifically, you guys should start selling 9-11s. Give me a Sandy Hook, make it a shooter. That's okay. I'm not precious. Okay.

What about the hurricane? That ruined my people. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's right. The mudslide. Oh, that fucking Hamas wine? Okay, there's only...

You don't have any Irish whiskey? What kind of drinking podcast is this? We have Bodega Cat, which is an Irish rye. How do you not have Irish whiskey at a fucking St. Patrick's Day parade? We got Guinness. I'll have a Guinness. It's okay.

It's okay. Keep that bottle opener over there. How was the bonfire? Bonfire was solid. Robert Kelly had a bit of a heart attack. Oh, no. Yeah, he's all right now. He'll have a heart attack? Like a real chest? Oh! A paramedics game, but he seemed okay. I don't know. The show went on anyway is the point. Okay. So he had a dur in the podcast? No, guys, relax. You never know. What's the green drink? That's beer. Beer.

How do you make it green? Happy St. Patrick's Day. Hey, happy saint. You know, the St. Patrick, not even Irish. Fun fact. No way. He's British. What? Yeah, but he moved to Ireland and taught them Christianity.

Yeah. He took over Ireland immediately. I'm watching Shogun. You guys watching that? Is that good? It looks good. It's slow. It's Hulu, I believe. Slow, but man, it is heavy. It's like an Asian Game of Thrones. Ooh. Yeah. Check that out. Game of Thelones. There you go. But yeah, very good. We both went for the horrible joke. Yeah. The preview looks like it could be good or really shittily TV-ed. It's pretty good. It's slow and Japanese. It was slow. So was...

Well, Suns of Anarchy got going right away. The Wire was slow. The Wire was slow. First season. You try to recommend it to people and you forget and then they watch like, what the fuck? I'm halfway through. Yeah, but it's got enough prestige now though that people know that it's... A year before The Wire appears. Did you like the second season? I liked the second season. Yeah. A lot of people were... Yeah.

you know, it's probably my least favorite season, but yeah. Of the wire. Still good. Well, you get used to the characters and all of a sudden they're like, it's not about them anymore. Yeah. Right. Right. Get rid of them. Here's my wreck for the week. You wrecked the movie. Great sound. Yeah. For Rick. Yeah. Uh, yeah, we should bring that in. Uh,

Santino with Bobby Altoff. Have you guys seen this? Oh, I saw it. I texted him about it. I texted him too. He killed it. It was so good. It was great. Her whole thing is she tries to make the other guy look like a dick. Yes. And he totally turned it on. Yeah, he flipped it on her. It was incredible. I thought they just played along with each other. No, he's shitting on her the whole time.

I don't know. Apparently it's real. She says that this whole character, it's a real thing. Oh, really? That's her sense of humor. Yeah. The one that got Shane was this one she had with this dumb rapper. She didn't know she was a musician. She goes, I don't do magic. And I'm like, Shane, it's clearly fake. And he goes, no, she's that dumb. Oh, yeah, I remember that. But everything she does is trying to fake this stuff. Yeah, but he flipped it and makes her look foolish.

Yeah.

She's obviously worse, right? No, she's much better. Okay. He works less than her. She works significantly more. Yeah. Her output is higher. Yeah. Her intelligence level is higher. Her efficiency is higher. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't make the rules. Yeah, I know. She keeps trying to get him, and he just doubles down. He's a good comic actor. He really is. He throws it away. She's not trying to get him. She's playing along with the goof. Well. I've never seen someone blow up like that. Did you see the rumors? Yeah. Was she fucking Drake? Is that what ended her marriage? That's like the rumor. Allegedly. Sorry. That was the big rumor. She's got nice gams.

Well, he's got a huge hog, so. Santino? He's pretty great. Drake. Got hot sauce all over it. He was sitting down on that golf course. Had to take a load off. Sitting on a donut. Why was this at a golf course? Did he just want to play golf? Yeah, they do it at weird places. Bobby Lee and her did it playing tennis. Oh. She does have a very slow sense of humor. It's pretty interesting. It's like a new style of just staring at each other a bunch. It's kind of like the new generation of Tim and Eric.

Ah, I see. A little too Gen Z for me. I'm an old boomer queef. I can't keep up. It's Hot Girl Tim and Eric. She was accused of being an industry plant. I don't know if you heard that. I heard that. Oh, she is a meeting light. She blew up so quickly. They were like... They propped her up. It's a pretty lazy conspiracy theory, you know? Yeah. People are watching. I don't know. QAnon for Adult Swim, basically. It's a new version of Vibe.

How did she get these names? She did a Glassman's podcast that had that sense of humor and then just like, right, exactly. It was like big and then it's Drake. That was big and new. Just like everybody likes Huberman. Everybody likes Lex Friedman. Everyone's like, oh, I'm going to invite him to my wedding. Like you didn't even know it existed four months ago. What the fuck are we talking about? He gets Elon Musk. He gets Tucker Carlson. He gets Rogan. He gets all these giant names and he's just like an MIT robot. Yeah. But nice guy.

I did the pod. He was nice. Good teacher. Really seems to care. You did his pod. It was fun. It was super fun. Yeah. He just asked good questions. He's a smart dude. You autistic doffed. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Both your own versions of autism. You had the most charming autism ever. Hey, I'll take it.

He did make you seem fucking normal. That's what you got to do, I think. Yeah. Hang out with that dude. Exactly. Compared to him, I was like a, you know, he's your like, he's your like, if you're a seven chick and you hang out with a four. That's it. For socialization. Well, what's fun is we did it in a hotel in New York. He was in town for some reason and the printer wasn't working in the lobby and I got to watch him yell at the lady behind the desk and

That was weird, seeing him not be that robot guy. He was like, what the hell? The printer doesn't work? Get your shit together. And some girl like, I don't know. And I want to be like, hey, that's the autistic guy. I wish they could have a hidden montage of people losing it on customer service. People who really can't help the situation, but they're being yelled at. Yeah, because you know what happens.

I almost lost, opening bit of my new hour, I fucking lost it on someone because I missed it. They slammed the fucking door in my face on the Connect flight and I lost it and I felt the phones coming up and I had to get it under control. You don't want to go viral. It was the day my last special came out. You don't want to go viral for a non-special reason. Right.

I know, for sure. You don't want to. I was like, fuck, I got to stop. But she was so fucking rude. Yeah, they love that door slam. They get off on that. Loved it. I was at a, oh yeah, just like, sorry, door's closed. I'm like,

I'm going to beat your fucking ass. Because I'd be in my seat by now. You're going to make me a bowel loser. I'm thinking about it. Instead of please, you're like, I'm going to fucking kill you. That would be our John Wick. Right now, I would say, yeah, I'll go to jail for this. Yes. You just hand him a note. I have a gun. If you don't open the door.

It's like, at the time, Your Honor, I thought I might get the door open. I realized this was the wrong way to go. I did not have a gun. She just hands the note to another person. They're like, all right, come with us. You're like, to my seat? No, sir. You'd probably get on the plane if you did that, but then they would probably come get you. Why is this plane taking off? Oh, I bet it's related to that gun. If you don't have a gun, I feel like then you're off, right?

Because you lied. I lied. All I did was lie. I didn't have a gun. I just lied. You can lie about having a gun all the time. That's how bank robbers, if you're not armed, it's not that bad probably, right? It's true. Give me your money. Just the finger? Yeah. It can't be that bad. Who wouldn't tell? Have you ever had a thing where you've had to hold a plane for somebody? Pretend to tie your shoes right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to do it once. I did Michael Moore's Comedy Festival and like...

But it was the worst relapse I've ever had. Bombing for Columbine? I had embarrassed myself the whole festival. I had asked Sinbad to buy me crack. What? Where's this story coming from? This was in Traverse City, Michigan. And it was me, Tig Notaro, and Michael Moore. And I was on a bunch of... I had pneumonia in one lung, but I had to do this festival because it was the most I've ever gotten paid to do stand-up. So I took all these benzos and had vodka...

on the flight. That makes sense. And Michael Moore was just like, he was like talking about how OJ didn't do it. Like he has all these other crazy conspiracies he'll never talk about on an actual documentary. You know, he's got to always talk about healthcare and boring shit like that. Whoa. But I guess I just had too much, that whole weekend of,

I just went like totally blotto and apparently I had asked Sinbad to buy me crack. Whoa. And that's the face he made? Gotcha, bro. Excuse me one second. How was the crack? He's sober, man. He's like... Yeah, I mean, he doesn't need any crack. Do you remember when Sinbad showed up at your after party? I was just being racist. I didn't know it was Sinbad.

Sinbad just showed up at Norman's first specials after party because I think he was just in the bar. Yeah. But he came and just hung out. He was super nice. Took photos with everybody. He's a nice guy. He's the man. Sinbad was great. How does he respond to you asking him to buy crack? He was, I guess he was like, ah, it's all right, man. Like, luckily that weekend. Ha!

Dave Foley got really drunk and took his dick out on stage. So that's all people talked about. They didn't talk about like... But it was real. It was so... That whole weekend was so fucking embarrassing. Booze radio. Because I had to woke up the next day. And I was... Booze radio. Mark is a robot. He was scanning for the perfect pun there. He was like...

Kids in the hall is a no-go. Kids with the balls. Wow, good for Foley. He's had a tough divorce. Yeah, yeah, he was having fun. I thought if you take your dick out on stage enough times, people stop making a big deal of it. Well, you do balls, which is smart. Yeah, you've done it all. Just the balls. I have a photo of that in my phone in case something happens to you. Ha, ha, ha.

He was just in the new season of Fargo. He's great. Excellent. He killed it. Yeah, he was great in that. But anyway, we were running late for the plane, and Michael Moore, he's a big fat guy, so he's like, I can't run there. Can you just hold it for me? And I was like, all right, I'll try to hold it. And this was after I embarrassed myself all weekend. And then she's like, sir, we have to shut the door. She shut the door, and then I get a text from Michael Moore going, but I'm right outside the door.

door and that was the last that was my last interaction with Michael Moore until like four months later I asked him a tweet about my album and he didn't respond hold the door for me why was he putting on a comedy fest I guess he was like to raise money for Flint or some it was around there it was in Traverse City it was like the nice part of Michigan it was not Flint where we were at was not Flint Traverse City was the that was the battleground for I think for um

the racial Ferguson? No, no. It's all like the racial education they're doing, whatever it is. CRT? Oh, critical race theory. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that was Traverse. Make it bigger. Yeah. This was, well, this was before that for sure.

I'm confused. Yeah, there was some lady who had some slave auction going on in a high school. Whoa. Just online. It wasn't real, but online of who would get what money for who. That seems hard. Slave. Yeah. And so they're all like, no, they're all like, everybody found out. They're like, that's terrible. We got to end this. And they're like, let's bring outside people in to teach us how to be not racist. Oh. And all the parents are like, whoa, whoa, what? No.

No. Slave trade? Let the teachers say don't do that. Yeah, I believe it's called the NFL draft. Mock slave trade? That'll be my rec for the week is John Ronson has a new series. Oh, wow. I think I might have sent you one of them on cancel culture and the culture wars and how they started in America.

and it's just really interesting and he's we canceled the indians yeah that's good wait is it a youtube thing no it's it's a spotify oh shit he's awesome 30 minutes i read that book but i didn't know he had like a documentary series yeah he's done a lot of good books at the end it's like they came after me for that book because it was like they said pornographic and

Pornographic? Wait, what? Yeah. What do you mean? It's just everything, whenever they argue about something, like, that's not the whole story. You're a pornographic? No, John Ronson's So You Were Publicly Ashamed. Yes. It was one example of pornography in there. Great book. Great book. Yeah, it was awesome. They were banning it from bookstores or whatever, from like a college or a high school. I'll tell you one thing, though. You go to Barnes & Noble or you go to any... Okay, okay, buddy. Whoa.

Man, easy, big fella. You got to question the truth, Ari. It's not about Traverse City.

You go to the bookstore and it's like a whole table of banned books and they're like, these are the banned books. I'm like, well, they're right here. Wow. Are they banned? I can just get them. These are the kids you can't fuck. You just made them hotter. Show them your butts. Why are they oiled in lube? What the hell? Yes.

We got to cheer her up. What happened with Winnie? Did she snap a little? I tried to pick her up. Oh, yeah. Oh, you can't pick her up. She's like Michael Moore. You can't pick her up. She's in much better shape than Michael Moore. But both of you got to feed a treat. Yeah. You don't like to tell me about how OJ didn't do it. Oh, yeah.

Easy, Ari. Easy. That's a blind eye right there. Oh, this is a real Jew sandwich. This will cheer her up. She'll like you again if you keep giving her these.

Oh, there you go, Ari. She's so cute. Okay. I could just watch people feeding dogs for like an hour. Yeah, do some nice ASMR right here. Listen to her chew. Get that mic in her face there.

Yeah, Chew. Chew. Chewbird. Chews will not replace us. Chewbacca. Chewbacca. I would love it if they had alt-right CBD dog treats. Woo!

She's in a better mood now. There we go. Yeah, you can't lift. Cute dog, man. She's a good dog. Beautiful dog. Yeah, man. Do you guys do anything ever for St. Paddy's or what? You know, you fucking get drunk and throw up. Yeah. The parade's on Sunday. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Parade of drunks? John Stewart used to have the best bit about that. Do you remember that bit where he said, I may have said this on the pod before, but he said they don't allow gays to march in the St. Patrick's Day's parade. Yeah, you wouldn't want anything to mess with the dignity of that parade. Oh, yeah. That's a great fucking bit. Is that true? They wouldn't let gays in? It was a long time ago, yeah. Wow. I think the most St. Patty's Day you're going to get is like Penn Station at 4 p.m.

I mean, it's just a bunch of animals. So Long Island comes in. Yeah, because it's the one time people from Hoboken visit New York City. Right, right. All right. Some girl puking in a Sparrow. Yeah. That Sparrow has so much puke in it. Yeah. I love how now they've moved the Amtrak across the street, so all that's left is the garbage. Right. Now it's like, ugh.

So Penn Station really is disgusting. Disgusting. A lot of people's first version of New York. Yeah. Port Authority, though, it's way worse. Port Authority is worse because that's buses. The poor version of Penn Station. Yeah, it's actually...

Poor authority. There you go. Poor authority. You ever go to the bathroom in the Penn Station underground? Oh, my. Just to meet men. Yeah, it is bananas down there. It's the saddest hookup in that bathroom of all time. Yeah, that's where COVID started. I have turned around in that bathroom. I'll hold it.

Yeah, yeah. You see a hobo cleaning up in the sink, you're like, why clean? I'll just shit on the bus. I've definitely, as a young comic, we've all had diarrhea in that bathroom. Hangover diarrhea and there's a dude shaving. You look at him all crappy shaving. Like, oh,

Me and DeRosa got, I think you were there. We got drunk and went to the KFC because it was the only one open. It was in Penn Station. So we're eating KFC at four in the morning in Penn Station with DeRosa. And it was a real low point. I kept getting sadder. DeRosa has never stopped going to KFC. No. He's still, that's not even, he's still like when he's drunk, he's like, I gotta go somewhere.

Yeah. And it's there. We had that whole bit where they kept giving him biscuits and shit. Oh, yeah. That's right. Funny bit. If you see him shirtless, you're like, yep. He hides it well. It's about to start. There it is. He's got one of those medieval gurney things on. Keeps it all together. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a doughy, doughy Egyptian. I was at a pool party with DeRosa, and I came out, and he's like, stop. Why are you doing that? And I was like, what? He goes, stop. Stop doing that. And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? Stop holding your stomach in. And I'm like, oh, buddy. Oh, no. You're just fat. I'm not. Well.

He's moved on to trans women because the real women are not doing it. He's a charming guy, though. I've seen him working on women where I'm like, these are pretty good lines. He's very charismatic. Quite a list. What are his lines like? Interesting. Yeah. He's skilled. He is. He's adopted. You've got to be charming. You have to work for it. Yeah. You have to keep the new parents around. Yes, exactly. When was he adopted? What age was he adopted at? I don't know, like 17. 17.

No, I think like really two. He calls them mom and dad. It's real sad. You ever heard his bit about it? No. You ever try to meet your real parents? No, I took the hint actually. That's a great fucking bit. That's great. That's a great DeRosa bit. I wish he was still doing stand-up.

He goes on the road. I'm just kidding. He's great. He's a killer. I love Joe. And check out his bar. Joey Rose's. Joey Rose's. Good place to drink, especially when he locks the door. Yes. He locks it in. Every place is a good place to drink when they lock the door. Oh, yeah. True. Unless you're a woman at that bar. Lock the door. Like, God damn it. Is that it? Now you just can't leave. Yeah, that's it. Oh, look at that guy. He's turned on. He's got locked the door eyes. He's doing the blowjob sign, right? Yeah.

Or he's doing a vape. It's tough to tell. I think he might be doing the blowjob sign of this chick fucking hogging a fucking sandwich. I know. Fucking El King is swallowing this thing. Is that Rebel Wilson? Yeah. Good lord. It's emo Rebel Wilson. Yeah. Well, yeah, the sandwiches are good. But they're...

I get annoyed with this voodoo donuts where they're like, we put Froot Loops on it. Aren't we crazy? I'm like, give me a fucking donut. Give me a sandwich. Yeah, or a sandwich. I will tell you, though, you ever have a maple bacon donut? Those are fucking crazy. They don't need a whole fucking giant piece of bacon on top of it. Just make it flavor. I agree. Yes. I agree. It's pretty good. You can't get it in your mouth. I enjoy it. To me, it's like a comic who's too dirty where you're like, all right, we've lost track of the bit here. It's the same with this. These are the Bobby Slaytons of donuts. Yeah.

I went to eat a donut in Portland. Remember Bridgetown Comedy Festival? Sure. Free festival, but they treated you well. All the paps you could drink, all the donuts you could eat. And I went into Voodoo Donuts. I was like, hey, can I get a t-shirt? And the chick probably kind of looked at me. She goes, it's like all the way upstairs. And then just stared. And I was like,

Okay, I guess I won't. Okay, I guess I won't buy it. Wow. She's like turning you into one Republican at the time. All right. By the way, this is how low our self-esteem is. As a comic artist, it's no money, but they treat you really well. They give you free PBR. Free the worst beer. I did hear that was an awesome fest, though. I did it like five times. Wasn't that Matt Brommer? I did it like twice, I think.

He's from there. I don't know if he did it. I think he started to run. Oh, did he? Okay. Yeah, he's cool. Good guy. Good guy. But yeah, I went every... It was just a big party. The shows were half full. We... I don't know if you were there. I didn't know many of you guys there. We took a turn. The streets, the East-West streets...

blended in with the train tracks and we took a turn like we can drive in the train tracks and cut across and then the street part just went down oh no and we were just driving and then just skidding on tracks wow and they're like what the fuck we called all the guys who were around the corner we're like we gotta get this fuck I can't believe I forgot about this we gotta get this car off the train tracks they're like we'll do it tomorrow I'm like no no guys

there's a train going to come. This isn't like, we can, this isn't illegally parked. There's a train going to come. Damn. And so we all tried to lift it off and we're like, what are we doing? I'm like, all right, whoever's driving, I forget who it was, was drunk. So I'm like, you're, we're not driving. Yeah. Let's find a driver in here for you. And then let's, let's, we got to call 911. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. And then they were like, yeah, wait, this is, this is pretty, was the guy drunk? And we're like, no. And the guy was like,

Loud and clear. Yeah. I know what you're saying. So whatever. Let's just tow this thing off. They called Amtrak to like, don't, you know, divert. Damn. Holy shit. It wasn't pushable. We all tried. No, we all tried to lift up this car. Billy Wade Davis was there, I think. We're all trying to fucking lift this car up. Was it bottomed out? Yeah. So it was just skidding along the track. You could have prevented the Holocaust. Nobody wanted this. Next hot tub time machine movie.

Mine comp, your comp. Come on. Rated PG-13. Wait, that was a fun fest because you're like, I'm on a lineup with Maria Bamford. This is insane. Remember when we did that, Mark and I, we did Vancouver Fest and Maria Bamford was like one of the big names and we all just went to watch her one night and we're like, fuck, she's amazing. She's so fun. Yeah, I think we went out to dinner. She's great, man. We got that photo. Yeah, we got that photo with the whole crew. That festival actually...

kind of how I started This Is Not Happening. I saw Jay Larson doing that bit about the crank calls. Yes, great bit. It went viral. Yeah, and I remember going like, this is the new musical closer.

Ah, interesting. And then it was like, we've got to do more of these. Watching him do that at the Aladdin or one of those places, the Baghdad, one of those places. Seeing the early days of that show, it was really kind of rock and roll. I would see you do it at Montreal. Yeah, late night. That upstairs room, the Cobra, whatever. I can't remember the name of it. But yeah, that was super fun. Oh, what a producer. What a pro. Wow.

Oh, wow. That's amazing. I can feel my fucking gums watering. Do you want a beer or something? I was about to get some regular whiskey and say it was that. Can we get James a beer? No pressure. If you like whiskey, you should really try this. You're waving this in front of Dan like a kid in front of a pedo. I can't even. I can't even. I had a beer, so I can't even have it.

Go ahead. Just don't use the phone you used on that girl. There you go. How did you pull that off there, Peter? This shit's awesome. Was that Postmates or an intern? Or Drizzly? Drizzly went out of business. In about 15 minutes, we're going to hear what Ari really thinks of us. Pull it up. Did Drizzly really go out of business? Pull up Drizzly. I think Drizzly's out. I ordered them like a month ago. It's a great idea. You'd think that would be like the new Uber.

Drizzly I used to use it all the time really yeah there you go can I stop for one second and say that Dan St. Germain has a new special out right now hey better believe it it's fatty dance right now Dan is one of the most underrated comics in New York oh thank you Dan's a great comic he's been a great comic for so long yeah comment on his specials who don't just watch it thank you leave a fucking comment I think the people are learning now

For these YouTube specials. Yes. Donate if you can, a few bucks, but also do whatever you can to help it along. Yeah, like it, comment it, share it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Thank you. Hell yeah. Dance Fatty Dan, great title. Dance Fatty Dan. Yeah, I called Stabby and I was like, I don't want to get in a fat rascal. We had like a fat comic convention, you know, like a tribunal.

I was fat. Well, I was fat before. You asked me, but I was fat before. He's like, oh, it's all right, man. You stole how fat I got. You stole cheesesteaks from me.

Ari and I had the best Stavvy fat moment at Norman's wedding. I've tried to retell the story and I don't do it. We just ended up, me, Ari, Stav, we're like, you know, getting sauce, going from your bar to like casino, playing blackjack, we're loaded. It was so good because there was nothing to do. So it was like, let's just keep going. It's New Orleans. You can go all night. The best. And we end up at a, Stav's like, we got to go to this gas station. They have great po' boys. Yeah, me and Sam looked at each other like,

I mean, I go. Yeah, what the hell? You gotta trust Stavi with food, right? So we go there, and it's like, you know, great food. Fried crab legs, all this shit. Some guy walked in, and he pointed at all of us. He goes, I know you guys. So we were placing at that. But we're stuffing our face. We bring it back to the hotel lobby. We're fucking pigging out. And I was like, man, this is fried oysters. It's just so heavy. And I was like, man, imagine eating this shit...

eating this shit sober and Ari and I were laughing and Stav goes I haven't had one drink oh that's sunken eyed Sam yeah that's great shadow on you guys so fucking lit up Sammy I like it I had a few in the end I like that

You look classic. Normally, that smoking jacket, that makes me think of that Curb episode where Larry and Hugh Hefner. That's such a badass smoker's jacket. Velvet. Salak is taking some good pictures there. I forgot about that. That house that you rented? Yeah. He was like, good wallpaper. Get in front. Hey, you, go over there. Oh, yeah. You got everybody then.

Yeah, it was a great night. I was smoking cigars the day before with Liz outside that place. Yeah. You just had your camera working. What a weekend. What a magical weekend. What a great weekend. You flew in on like an hour's sleep. You left Sandler to come here. No, no. I went to Sandler from your thing. I went to the gig. And it was like one of those weird New Orleans flights sucks. It was like to get to Jacksonville from New Orleans, I had to take like two flights. And I'm like, fuck. We had to get to like St. Augustine. I was like, it was a long day, but I fucking made it. Jacksonville is fucking terrible. That's a tough town.

St. Augustine, it was an amphitheater. Beautiful. Really? Outdoor gigs can be so fucking fun if everything's right. Everything's got to be right. And a horse has a song called St. Augustine. Mmm. Ha ha.

I love Florida. Don't forget about Dan's new special. No, truly watch that special, guys. Every bomb I do from now on, I'm going to go back to Dan's special. Yeah, I have a Pavlovian response to it. And you're taping a new special, aren't you? I'm taping it. April 26th, 27th, Washington, D.C. Oh, great. I'm bummed, man. Your last special was fucking phenomenal. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and it was niche, and it still hits.

Is there a theme this time or is it just sort of get off the news? Stop fucking watching all that shit. Just be happy. There you go. Friends. Get off your phone. Don't watch any comedy specials. You heard Ari guys. Get off that. No, that's that's cool. Are you doing that room? The one outside of D.C. Inside D.C. Turn around. Oh, OK. OK. I want to go there because a lot of the messages about how dumb politics is in general. Good. That's cool. I want to bring that to D.C. I love it.

Hell yeah. So your last one had an overarching theme. Is this one? I just said that. Oh, really? I was looking something up. Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck. Thanks for nothing. Jesus. So you got a special coming up. Dance, fatty, dance, yeah. Please check it out. Are you hitting the road again now after this? I'm open, guys. Michael Moore? Call me back.

Doesn't even have to be stand up. You got a shed cleaned out? We've never had Winnie attack. She's like, we're not getting tickets to Dan. Are you touching her hip or something? What are you doing? Yeah, don't do that. She doesn't like that. Yeah, be gentle. She's an old bird. She also does the thing that a lot of dogs do where they pretend like they're going to, it's like I'm going to punch her. I'm like. Yeah, I know. It's like there is no action. She's got two teeth left. She's not going to bite you, but. What do you mean?

But she's 17. She's very... She's a rescue, right? I mean, yeah. Look, she's got one eye. What do you think? She came out of the fucking womb like this? No, it's my girlfriend's dog. Oh. Yeah. It looks like Liz's dog. Liz is just bigger. Liz has got a fatter face. Liz looks more like that dog. Liz has a fatter face? No, her dog. Oh. Wait, that's not Winnie? That's Cutter. No. That looks like Liz's dog. That's Gizmo. Yeah, Gizmo. Have they met? They haven't. Oh. Pugs are fucking cool dogs, man. I love pugs, man. We have three dogs at home. They should be alive.

You have three dogs. Three dogs. No kids. Three dogs. Nice. Toy cup, tea, malty poo, chihuahua, whip it, mix, and a terrier mix. Chihuahua, whip it. Yeah. Angry speed. Yeah. She's like, I guess she's traumatized though. She doesn't walk that much.

A lot of sad moments on this week's pod. Well, she doesn't run that much anymore. I don't know. I mean, look at her. She barely fucking moves. She attacked me the other night. My girlfriend's sleeping, so I'm like, oh, she'll want to wake up with the dog in the bed, so I'm trying to bring her into the bed. She attacks me, then I'm like, Jesus Christ. She attacks me again, so then I have to get a fucking blanket to wrap her in. She's trying to bite me the whole time in the fucking blanket. But she got to wake up next to the... She's got a temper, this little dog. Yeah. She's got dementia. She's old. She can't puncture, though, with those teeth, right? Are you kidding? She fucking... No, she can't hurt.

But it's cute when she snaps. It does. Yeah, she's an old bird. Is she respectful about when you guys make love, she doesn't jump on the bed or anything? No, but you want her in the fucking room, and then they put her in the corner, and we just see her, because she hates her being alone. You see her in the corner, she does this. She does this shit. Looking away. Oh, my God. She does the look back, and I'm like, Jesus, I'm like fucking your mom in the ass here. Come on. Oh, my God.

That's how she lost the eye. Oh, fuck. Like every shitty teen comedy. Oh, fuck. It came in her. It's a great farmer's dog commercial. Alpo. Man, I was watching Not Another Teen Movie on TV the other day. That movie's really funny. Great fucking gag. That's really funny. Great gags in that movie. Yeah, pretty nonstop. Dude, pull up the dump on the chest scene. Wait, what? You got Vince McMahon? She's hot, too. That's...

Goddamn, pal. I'm still working with him. Be quiet. Oh, sorry. That's the one income coming in. I thought he was in jail. No, he's not allowed around the facility anymore. Yeah, that's it right there. Dude, who was this actress? She was smoking. She was hot. Is that Paul Danner? No. No, but it looks like her. Dude looks like him. Oh, she's super hot. Sam Huntington. Oh, this is like a Cruel Intentions rip. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but for once I wish I could meet

He knows what's coming. That is appalling.

That really upsets me. I can't believe nobody's ever taken a dump on your chest. I love a turn. Will you be that guy? That kid's killing it. He's a good actor. I'll be an honor. That's so fucking... Commitment, man. He commit. I don't know if I could do that. Could you do a dump?

Take a dump on someone's chest? I couldn't do it. We're too hairy. If I'm not related to them, I don't know. Yeah, if they were too old, it'd be a problem. That would be a tough one. I mean, it'd be real hard. That'd be at the end of the relationship. They'd be like, hey, this is someone I barely know.

You'll never see me again. Yeah. You know what they told us in Jewish school? Hitler could only get hard if you take a dump on his chest. How old were you? I thought they called that the Hitler. Yeah, and then we were like, yeah, it makes sense. What a horrible thing to say about that guy. We spread mean gossip about him to get back. Yeah, exactly. We'll be catty.

- You can kill six million Jews, but we're gonna say some really fucked up shit about your kinks for the rest of it. - I like the guy who's like, "That's kink shaming." They got mad at Biden for calling the guy illegal, but the guy killed a lady.

Which guy called illegal? Biden called a migrant illegal, and he got in a ton of trouble, but the guy killed a chick. Was he illegal? Yes. Yeah. What do you mean? But you're like, why aren't we mad at him for killing a gal? They say call them migrants, not illegal, because illegal puts them in a position of looking like they broke the law, which they don't.

It's like the... Yes, yes. They're just all Americans to me, guys. Well, it's like the self-help guy who's like, there's over this many people starving in the world and none of you give a fuck about it. And he's like, and more you just got upset about the word fuck than the people starving. That's like his little tactic. Mm-hmm. Gotcha. I remember when Chappelle got attacked at the Hollywood Bowl and he made the joke about a knife. We were like, he made a joke, another trans joke. I'm like...

They got attacked. I don't know. Yeah. That guy had a knife. Yeah. All right. Was he an illegal?

No, I think he was here. He was here. Good. He was here. Getting jobs back in this country. Yeah. Now he's in jail for killing somebody. I don't want to get attacked by Americans. He killed somebody that day? Yeah, yeah. They figured out he killed a guy. Oh, wow. When all the Italians were here and the Irish were coming in like, these fucking pieces of shit. Keep these Irish out. Yeah. And they came in and now those Irish are like, keep these Mexicans out. Oh, yeah. Humans are the worst with that. Humans are like, fucking get all these people out of here. Oh, yeah. Your raft is still wet. Yeah.

The whole culture is based on a sandwich. It's a good sandwich. Have you had a good Cuban, man? Pickle on a sandwich, underrated move. Yeah. The French bread, it's great. I love it. It's all right. You're good. It's all right, Winnow. Easy, Winchester. Attack? We're going to get a super cut of Ari just getting attacked by Winnie.

Yeah, you got to put in the MGM lion sound over it. She loves Shane, I got to say. Yeah. She did. Shane won her over. Yeah, because she's like, we're about the same body type. You guys are the same age. Fuck both of you. Dan, Sam, you're cool.

Oh, wait. Guinness, underrated. Underrated. And also, you've heard the less calories thing, right? I have. What the fuck? Doesn't make any sense. How is it? What's less calories than like a white beer? Budweiser. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. It's full of nutrients and vitamins. Look it up. It looks like sand going through an hourglass at the bottom. Dude, Colm Turrell, noted Irish pedophile, told me that you can really tell when you see it all flowing down. He really is like every pound has its own...

best discussion on who has the best Guinness. It's always down between two bars and they're like, it's this bar, this bar. Everyone else, they all agree no, but it's that flow down. Yes. The thing is really tell you. We were discussing that in Pittsburgh at a sports bar and he goes like, in a place like this, there's zero chance I would ever get a Guinness. No way. Really? Right then, Nate Marshall came over and goes, you got your guys' Guinnesses. And he was like, oh. I did a week in Dublin. I drank

I don't know, 10 a day? Because it's just fun. They're right there. It's like little milkshakes. Delicious. Wow. 125. Guinness is 125 calories of Budweiser. 145. Wow. That's 20% more. This is thick.

Yeah. Yeah, Guinness is fucking good, man. I don't mind a Guinness at a New York bar, though. No, I don't either. It's great. It's still pretty good. There's no... Nobody turns down a Guinness. I might turn down an IPA, but if somebody... You don't like an IPA? I don't either. It's rotten. I just... I don't think I get them. I don't think I'm a sophisticated beer drinker. I'll tell you what it is. What? It was an additive made to get it over from fucking India. Oh.

And then suddenly these fucking dumb cunts who do the Edinburgh Festival in England are like, actually, I like the additive. Yeah. And so they're like, that's the taste they like. And it's become this masculine thing. Like, give me an IPA because they're like 13% or whatever the fuck. But they're full of fruit and flavors. It's like drinking a loaf of bread. It is. Yeah. It's too much. Just give me a, you know, a Negro Modelo. Yeah. I'd rather drink an Indian Pale Lady.

Hey, check out that dance. Dance, fatty, dance. 800-PAC-ROLL. It'll be on Mark's site at some point. That would have been a great time for Winnie to attack you right there. I don't even know if I get it. Oh, man. All right. I don't know. Can't revisit it.

No looking back. Onward. Yeah, we're moving forward here. God damn. You're not getting it. It's probably why no one left. Okay. I laughed. Oh, it didn't make much sense. All right. All right. Throwing shit out. Yeah, man. How about you? You hitting the road hard? Yeah, I'm going from fucking doing a bus tour from Savannah to Toronto. Holy.

Holy cock. Column Terrell, actually. Noted Irish pedophile, Column Terrell. It's just at its place. Fucking kids, actually. Yeah, he's been caught fucking many kids, but they let him off from that accent. And O'Neal's coming. The leprechauns, they look like children.

Yeah, I'm getting ready for that special. Starting a new podcast, too. Whoa! Yeah, I did it. All three of you guys did it. It's all coming out. Really fun. You're on the second episode. I am? I didn't know I was ever doing it. Australia, it's UB Trippin Pod on YouTube. Oh, yeah. That's appropriate. Everyone subscribe right now. UB Trippin Pod. Talked about Crocodile. It was fun. It was fun. Starting today.

All right. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got a lot going on. But remember when we tried to get a Protect Our Parks going and you're like, I'm in Spain, I'm in Israel, I'm in Gaza, I'm in Wuhan. You're doing it the day before I go on the bus tour. What's that? I'm trying to fit it in the day before I go on the bus tour. You're doing the bus tour through Gaza? Through Gaza, yeah. That's cool, man. Yeah, well, we put some bars on the windows for those. There'll be some bombs.

Yeah, I've been planning this fucking podcast for like a year and a half. It's finally coming out. How many days are you going to be on the bus?

25 something. Straight? Yeah. So you rented the bus, right? You're not obviously doing a Greyhound or something. Yeah. I'm going to be in Memphis the same day as Mark Norman across town, both selling terribly. Yeah. Not a good comedy set. I'm in Graceland at the cafeteria. Not a good fucking room. I got the guarantee pretty much locked in there. What about...

Do you do hotel at all or are you just going straight? Well, I'll do like if there's any... Weekdays, I'll do like comedy clubs, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yeah. So if they got like Nashville, I'm there on a Tuesday. Condo. Condo for sure. We're all sleeping in beds. And then I'll do like every other day. If it's like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, the Tuesday, we'll get a hotel room just to shower in. Nice. You know, just to flip that up. Do you get to get the Xbox or the PS? Someone will bring an Xbox. I'm not that guy. You're not going to review the game, man? I like getting cards and...

We watch Ice Road Truckers. Me, Renazisi, and O'Neal last time, we just got hella into Ice Road Truckers. Really? It was just on. You know when something's on, and you're like, hey guys, let's get back to the bus, get that Ice Road Truckers on. I had that with Pawn Stars. I was hooked on Pawn Stars. Oh my god. Really? I love Pawn Stars. Those guys keep dying. I know. Every week there's a new dead one. Yeah. I'm like that with Guy Fieri's show on Food Network. DDD. Just watching, just eating sandwiches and being like, this is great. He's like making people's dreams. It makes me happy. There's gotta be a couple where he's like,

It's great. Some of that shit looks rough. I bet at minimum he's just like, it's just a sandwich. Yeah. They can all be amazing. Dude, he called into a Sal and DeRosa live. Taste buds? Live taste buds. They were doing like a pay-per-view or something like that. He called in and me and DeStefano, I think, were the guests.

And he was just bad. He couldn't get his connection. And we just started shitting on him. And Sal's like, come on, come on, man. He's a friend. And we're like, that's just, you know, it's a comic. That's just like, no, we're going to go home. Yeah. Fuck Fieri. Fuck. This is Fieri's booze. Oh, there you go. He signed it for you guys? It looks like something he would wear. Yeah. It does. Matt, you rock. He didn't even know his whole name. It's just GF. There you go. That's all I deserve. That's from your girlfriend. That's a... It's Santo Blanco tequila. Ooh. Ooh.

We're very close to getting Bodega Cat in bars in New York. Really? Look the fuck out, guys. You gotta start it in Joe's Bar. And the Cellar. You gotta start it in those. We'll get it there. I mean, honestly, just bring three bottles over to Joe's Bar. Is that legal? It's like Hedberg's old bit. I brought in some Mama Wanda from Dominican Republic. What's Mama Wanda? Whoa, Nelly! Hey!

Yeah, buddy. She feels bad. I scared her. She was sleeping. It's your story, Ari. It's not my fault. It's like live with a nom vet. Mama Juana's like wine, honey, some rum, all these twigs, anise. It's the Dominican Republic. Twigs, eh? I brought that back for Joe's bar for the Dominicans. Okay. Yeah, they love it. Dominicans. Can they say the N word or not? They can. Okay. How dark of a Dominican are we talking about? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

Well, anyway, this is a good conversation for white people to be having, I think. We're the ones who should decide this, I think. That felt like a rehab moment. How dark a Dominican we talk.

I feel like you're coming out of rehab. You got one last score in you. All right. I just want the dog to be okay. I feel like she's getting uncomfortable. What's that on her back? What is it? Oh, Ian Finance jizzed. It's the bow tie.

Oh, the string. That might be the problem. Okay. She hates the Irish. Can you get... In her bag, there's another tree. Can you just give me her... Yes. There you go. In the little... It's in the doggy bag right there. There's a lot of noises, a lot of sounds. I get it. Okay. She's in a bad fucking mood today. Yeah. She doesn't like Jews. She doesn't like Jews. No, no. You can't blame her. She's an open-air slavery.

Here we go. There you go. James Webb, everybody. James Webb. Directed both our specials. Yes. Just directed my new one. And Chris D. in a week. Damn. You're ripped for a comedy director. Yeah, that's true. It's pretty annoying. We'll be at dinner. We're getting drunk, and he's like, all right, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm like, you're going to the hotel gym after we got drunk? He's like, yeah, they're calories. I'm like, if you say so. That kid's getting ready for a fucking Marvel movie over there tomorrow. Yeah, right?

Yeah, I'm not a big... He's a two-a-day guy. Two-a-day? Two workouts a day? Two gyms? Whoa! Goddamn, dude. You want to... Oh, man. Shit, I feel... We got to get you drunk. Hard to believe it. I haven't been to the gym lately. Are you going to the gym? We have a treadmill in our house, but... There you go. I don't use it yet. It's more of a hose dryer.

You live in the most walkable city in the world. I know. We have a car now. We were taking advantage of none of New York. What fucking flavor is this? Pickle. Oh, yeah. That's about right. What the fuck? The pickle candy? Yeah. What the fuck? I got no warning on that. I was like, this is fucking... I've never seen a Jew complain about a pickle. Cut that out.

It's going to hurt your street cred, dude. All right, she's being a little nicer now. There we go. She's an angry bird, man. Yep. She's an angry... You said that very beat, Nicky. She's an angry bird, man. Yeah, you're right. Flanders, what was that? Flanders in the Mental Institution episode, do you remember that? Oh, man. Been a minute. Hey.

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Any recs, you guys? Anything you... Well, that John Ronson stuff I really liked. Oh, nice. I think it's called, you know? No. I'm going to check it out for sure. I will check that out. It's eight episodes. Easy 30-minute episodes. They're all really interesting. He's awesome. I'm a fan. Really good writing. Takes both sides without really taking a side. We used to call that journalism. Things of our art. Here, here. You sounded like the beginning of a newsroom episode. We used to call that journalism. It's...

Hey, check out Dance Fanny Dance. Back check that. I like that he can just fart. He has to like levitate as he farts. It's like a Simpsons episode. It raises me up. The fart like you're in Neo and the Matrix now. Have you seen the, what's the guy's name? Did we talk about this already? The guy who sang that Asian guy with the song.

Go ahead, anymore. William Hong. One-hit wonder. William Hong. William Hong or something? William Hong. Not William Hong. No, no. Was he a pedophile? It was the most viral song of all time. Oh, Gangnam Style. Oh. Have you seen that guy get on stage? He's not a one-hit wonder. He's not? He's massive. Pull up his intro when you can. Oh, my God. It's great. It's better than Akasha's. Why? Oh, I didn't see his. You didn't see the opening? No.

Pull up Gangnam Style guy. The way he gets on the stage is the coolest thing ever. That's got to be it. Look at that. Whoa. The bottom. You got to see the whole thing. It's like a moonwalk. Oh, it's more than a moonwalk. Yeah, I'm looking for it. It's high. It's a moonwalk. There it is. There it is. That's the one. This is him getting ready. Look how pumped and amped he is.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. Dude, that's fucking awesome. That is cool. That also would be a great death if the top didn't open. You're smushed. It'd be an awesome way for a baby to be born. Oh, yeah. That great gender reveal. He just does a hand. He's like, go. And then he does the kicking too. So it's like.

Oh, you know he trains for that. That's not a one-hit wonder right there. Look at that crowd. That's not a one-hit wonder. That's a fucking stadium. Oh, my God. I mean, they are forced to go there by the... It's one of three songs they're allowed to listen to. Now calisthenics and pledge allegiance.

Oh, man. Yeah. He rolled that fucking sake, whatever it was, on his forehead. I didn't see that. What? Was that in Gangnam Style? Yeah. Like you roll the fucking sake in your forehead and then do the shots? We got to do that here. Yeah. I've never seen that. Is he Korean or is he something else? He's Korean. Korean, yeah. Koreans are the best Asians. What the fuck? You look up sake forehead.

Sigh. You wrote sucky forehead. Did I? We're at Salakoo's Pornhub queue right now. Sucky. What about... His forehead shot's Korean. Any peeves? Stand by. Oh, yeah. I had a peeve.

Shit, I lost it. Did you guys keep doing these peeves or did you stop for a while? Yeah, we mix it up. People like peeves. If we're still doing recommendations, octopus murders on Netflix? It's great. Is the guy who had my octopus friend turned against him?

It's the darkest Pixar movie ever. Yeah, no, it's about this journalist who, you know, they said committed suicide, but he clearly was murdered for exposing this conspiracy. Let me guess, Russian? It's four part. No, it's American. Oh, wow. Died in 91. We get our murders. It's for real, bro. I'm in. Check it out. It's definitely, this is like a, this is a great pairing with Bodega Cat Whiskey. This documentary is,

Is this up there with the Boeing? You see the Boeing guy? Yeah. This is darker than that. Oh. For sure. This is very dark. All right. Why is it called Octopus? Because it's the eight heads of state we're controlling. And it's like Iran-Contra, the hostage state.

Scandal the it kind of connects everything so kind of like the pelican brief But real like this guy yeah came up with this theory and pelicans a the last ten they're in a fucking fourth place right now only two and a half behind the Coming together Really?

He looks in shape, dude. He looks in shape. It could be scary. He's eating those 4 a.m. Let's get Alvarado in the mix. Don't forget about him. There you go. Are they really doing well? They're good. I gave up on them years ago. No, you're a Knicks fan now. I converted you. Oh, there you go. I'm a Rangers fan now. I've been converted to that with those free fucking tickets.

You get those free tickets, sit close enough, you're like, fuck the Caps. The Rangers are cool this year, man. They're fucking loaded. How are the Rangers doing this year? They're doing well. Igor's the best goalie in the league. I took my nephew, both of my nephews were there at Bar Mitzvah, and I took the second one. I was like, who's your favorite player? And he was like, this was like six, seven years ago. He goes, they traded him. I was like, who's your second favorite player? He goes, they traded him. I'm like, well, they're rebuilding. I'm like, who's your favorite now? He goes, I guess...

It's a dinner Judd. It's a dinner shot. Sick. Yeah, he's sick. But then it's like all those trades worked. They're back now. I know. First in the fucking he came to the cellar one night and hung with us. He was no way. Yeah. I chocolate. Yeah, we we pour back shots. We had a good night. Very cool guy. Hey, you've you've gotten a party with some pretty fucking amazing athletes. That was a funny lead in to become a different show when I said that or whatever. I don't know. We had a good night. Please. Please.

You're working out for the first time. You know this. Maybe you know this. Mark, you always work out. I know it. You're like, I'm going to fucking start working out. And one guy, let's call him whatever, Bo Logan.

will come up to you and be like, you're not doing it right. Oh, you're only doing arms. Oh, you're not doing it right. They're working out for the first time in a fucking decade and you're negging them? Let them fucking work out. Great point. They hit a treadmill. Stop. Just say, that's great you're doing it. Unsolicited is not okay. Unsolicited, not like, what should I be doing? Yeah, they just come at you with, you're doing it wrong. Like, great. Okay, well, I'll go back to cheesesteaks then. Unless it's something that might injure them, I think don't intervene. Sure, sure. All this bad stuff.

What about leg day? Get out of my face. I'm working out here. You get the people also now at the gym who will like, they'll set up the phone on the tripod and now you're just, you're doing your shitty workout while they're doing their fucking world record. Oh, yeah. You know, they're like, look at this sissy boy on my TikTok. They should have yonder bags at the gym. They should have yonder bags. There should be a lot of places in life where they're like, no, not allowed here. In every bathroom, there's a line. Get out. Use your phone outside. Oh.

There's a line. And I don't want to knock, but I'm like, you've been in there quite a while for a piss. Yeah, you're just looking, you're scrolling while shitting. Yeah. Some hot chicks in there. Sometimes you got to rub one out. What gym do you guys go to? Another pet peeve is these homeless people. All right. That was good.

That was the gayest question of all time. I'll see you at Equinox. What's that? You guys want to steam? Yeah. Which do you guys go to? Oh, Joey Swole? Oh, he's the best. He cracks down on crime. Yeah, he's a gym police. Yeah. Gym positivity nation.

Oh, yeah. He got all the girls calling out the guys for looking at him. That was all him. That was cool. Yeah. What? He did what? You know, girls would be like, he was lurking at me in the gym or leering at me. And then he's like, no, no, you just set that up. Then you wanted to get clicks, so you faked that, whatever. Oh, really? He calls them all out. He's barely literate. He's barely literate, but he's fun. He's on next week. Was he? No.

Sorry. I got a peeve. All right. Ball busters who can't take it back. Fuck yeah, man. It drives me nuts. It drives me nuts. Good one. I didn't say shit. They weren't good ball busts either, but you just roll with it. You're like, all right, whatever. But they were just bad, and I finally made a joke about the guy's hair. It was pretty light. And he goes, he goes,

Something wrong with my hair? I'm like, no, you've been shitting on me for two months. I know. I was just trying to be fun. Was it a hairline? No, he had good hair. Oh, okay. I said he had 90s 90210 leading man hair. Hey, fuck you, man. That's good hair. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That's good hair. He was like, what's your problem, man? Oh.

Oh, get out of here. I don't like if your ball busts fine, even if it's not great, but you got to be able to take it. You got to be able to laugh it off. And what's better than when you bust someone's balls and they just start dying laughing? That's great. Got me thing. Great moment. It's so good.

Makes you feel good. I got to pee, but now we're getting off topic here. But you ever have the guy who learned a new move and he wants to show you the MMA move? And he's like trying to fucking break your neck and you're like, I'll do it, but you can't. Luis Gomez? Yeah, you can't body slam me. Let me show you. Just tell me about it. Just tell me about it. His son's watching. The more tell him we're due, the less veiled these thieves are going to get. Tell him we're due. It's free.

It was Fortune Feimster, but still. It hurt like hell. I bet she could throw down. Oh, my God. Goddamn. Piled drive by her. Fucking gives you like a Goldberg spear into the fucking wall. Fortune, one of the few gays in comedy who has never gotten involved in any sort of gender politics. Anything else? She's just like, I'm just happy to be here. Just a good comic. I ain't getting angry at anybody. How you doing? It's always, hello.

How are you? Always positive. You know why? I've thought about this. Why? Southern. Southern. Southern. She's got no time for that shit. She's being Southern. Yeah. Before she was doing well, during when she was doing well. Always. Well, she's just a killer, man. She's just a comic. She's just a killer.

Where is she from? Carolina is one of those, I want to say. Yeah, Carolina is a Georgia. I think she's got a wife now, but she probably crushes it. She probably used to crush it. Women have husbands. Hold on. Yeah, where is she from? What do you think, Mark? I'm going to say Mississippi. I'm going one of the Carolinas. Carolina is a Georgia. Georgia. In my mind, I've gone to Carolina. I'm going to change it to North Carolina. Change it to North Carolina right now.

Did you say Charlotte? Charlotte. But for real, did you say Charlotte? Did you read that for the first time and say Charlotte? What's your favorite children's book, Matt? Charlotte's Web. What's your favorite ska band from the 90s? Good Charlotte. What's your favorite basketball team? Charlotte Hornets. Yeah. There you go. 1980. North Carolina's underrated state. Great state. Great state. And they keep the bathrooms pure.

They don't want people talking about them. I remember they were boycotting North Carolina because they wouldn't let the bathrooms be gay. And then all the gays in North Carolina were like, so you can't support our business? So I'm fucked now? Yeah.

Louis C.K., when he did some arena and he gave a bunch of money to the LGBTQ or whatever for that reason, for the bathroom shit, and then he got canceled like a week later, and he's like, oh, great. He's impressed to get it back? Yeah. Hey, I'm on the other side now. He gave all the arena money to them, and then... He's like, hey, keep them out of the bathroom. I got canceled. Yeah.

I don't want money off comics. So I was like, let's just charge $5 at the improv lab. And I'm like, I don't want to be the guy who's making money off whatever. So I'm like, we'll just donate the money. We accumulated it. And then I was like, let's give it to Planned Parenthood. That's a decent cause. And they said no.

What? Why? I don't know. Because it was you. I mean, I assume. Obviously. Yeah, but it was before the- You mean they just don't want money? Of course it was because of you. Yeah, of course, yeah. But why you? It wasn't before the big, big thing, so I don't- Right. I mean, they looked it up, but it was like, what do you mean? You want to fucking morally vet your fucking money? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what to say. It's just like, here's some cash.

It was wild. Isn't that weird? So Planned Parenthood wouldn't take your money? Yeah, so I gave it to the fucking abortion bombers. Yeah. I don't know, but I was like, it was so odd. I'm like, what are we doing? All right. Wow. You're like, that's it. I will take my abortion business elsewhere. Yeah, right? Yeah.

I am not pulling out. Yeah. Give it to the back alley guy. Give it to the back alley guy. Put it into, you know, hangers. I wonder how often they do that. Yeah. Let me Google you real quick. See if you're well. Somebody did that with Biden. He tried to donate to Biden and Biden wouldn't take it. Yeah. Louie. Was it Louie? I think so. I think you're right. Really? Well, that happens all the time. We got enough. It's a thousand. It's not worth it. If you give me two million, we take it. No.

Hmm. Isn't that sad? We want a lower profile pedophile to donate to us. Because that's the thing these days. People are like, you took money from this? Like, I don't know, man. People just gave me money. Yeah, we're trying to win. Or we're trying to abort kids or whatever. You know, we got a business to run. I wonder what charities Cosby's involved with. Oh, yeah. He had his name taken off the school. What's his school? Sleep Aid? Not too late. What's it called? University of Phoenix Online. Temple.

He was an investor in Casper. I couldn't get it out. Good times.

He's blind now, right? Is he blind? That's what always happens once you get canceled. Yeah. He got that cane out pretty quickly. Yeah, he's like those guys in Goodfellas who are like, I can't stand trial. I've got to cross me back. Yeah, Harvey, too. You can tell his lawyer's like, you've got to look really bad. So we're going to put a gown on you. He looks like shit. He didn't look great to begin. Sure, but he had a suit on. Like a melted Halloween mask down. Yeah.

Yeah. He looks bad, dude. Real bad. Oh, my God. I'm sure it does fuck you up physically, though. I mean, that's a lot of stress. Yeah. Can't believe there's women. I can't believe all these chicks I raped are coming after me for rape. Oh, fuck my legs. I can't walk anymore. All that raping was hard on my legs. You might be wondering how I got here.

Another woman come forward. Ugh, fuck my heart. Oh, God. By the way, why can't we get a camera in a... Why do we still have the painting lady in a court? We can't get a camera in there in 2024? They don't allow it. Why? It's the closest we come to supporting art in this country. Counting money for the Me Too movement. Right, right.

Yeah, it just seems so primitive and weird. Yeah. Who's going to do a special, a fucking court reporter special? Just have it all drawn up. I'll tell you who it's not. Right. Dan with his new special, Fatty Spatterson. What is it? Dance, Fatty Dance. Dance, Fatty Dance. Half the proceeds go to Weinstein's legal office.

And the other half go to Fat Kid's Dancing. It's 8 o'clock. Oh, this is going to be coming out later. It's already out. It's out. It's out. Everything's out. You know who probably lost money is the sketch artist because there's cameras everywhere now. The sketch guy is like, oh, they got it on CCTV. You don't need me. Yeah. What is his? Yeah. What do you look like? That was a thing. That was a thing. Remember the black scientist who said he couldn't go to, um,

Neil deGrasse? Yeah. He said he couldn't do jury duty because he didn't believe in the eyewitness testimony. They're always wrong. Medically, it's not fair. It's not right scientifically. It's like you can't trust. They're wrong all the time. Yeah.

I was just watching a Forensic Files episode where this guy drugged this. All right. So she goes in because she's, you know, not feeling well. He drugs her and she's out cold. She's convinced he raped her, but there's like no trace. They test his fucking DNA and they're like, he's clean.

She's like, he raped me. I'm positive this guy fucking raped me. She drugged because she just woke up with, I think she had a fucking penis in her. It's clue number one. I don't remember the exact specifics, but they keep taking blood from him. He volunteers the blood to give to him. I just drugged her to fucking, I just wanted to spit on her face.

I just don't want to do that. It's just a horrible. You spit it out and suck it back in. It goes, I just want to do that. They find out. Then they take blood from years later and he goes, I'll do it. And he lifts up his shirt. They do it again. And it's like weird. The blood color. They find out years later. It's like many years later. He implanted a blood vial of another person's blood in his arm. So they're take because he's a smart fucking doctor. That's why he's like the Canadian story.

So that's why he volunteered, like, let's go? Yeah, but, like, that must have been really fucking painful to just have a vial. They didn't notice a fucking massive fucking confidence? No, no, no. He did it this way. He would lift his shirt up, like, to here and then just take it. Whoa. It was very thought out. I can't believe that. That sounds like something that bombs in the SVU writing room. Yeah.

There's a mechanical... The Wizardator. No, Wizardator's a different guy. I got a Wizardator story. It was a bomb made for TV movie in Canada. I forgot who it was. Someone's in it. Some famous person's in it. So this is the Wizardator. Okay, Wizardator is a Miami... Not a Miami... Viking. Whatever Viking. One of the worst Avengers.

Yeah, a Minnesota Viking player who was using weed, nothing major. And so he had to test for, so he put a fucking whole piece in him so he could piss out someone else's piss. The Wizinator, this thing, got caught with it. He used to show up to the comedy store, this guy, whatever his name was. You got to find his name. And we were like, hey, do you want to smoke weed? He goes, no. And we're like, it's the off season. He goes, I can't.

And they were like, can you just smoke? He goes, if I smoke one more time, my NFL career is done. And we're like, well, when your career's over, will you smoke? He goes, yes. Who is he? Black guy, big black guy. I think he was a lineman. That narrows it down. Check out Dance Valley Dance on YouTube.

Saquon off the Giants. It hurt. He's in the Eagles too now. That fucking hurt. Oh, man. But they did him dirty, dude. They should have franchised him. But they're going to probably be better now. This always happens. Yeah, running back. Maybe, man. Probably the best guy in that business. But the Giants are fucked, right? I don't know. I hope I'm wrong. That was an early Dan Sainz main bit. The Giants hat. I don't look like a Giants fan. I look like the guy that interrupts the town hall meeting. Yeah, yeah. I know you don't believe me when I say I was abducted. Ha ha.

I think it's on my YouTube shorts. Join my YouTube page. Remember that was a big thing as a kid. We got drug tested in my high school and it was a lot of chugging water. A lot of like, you got to take this shit. It'll clear out your system. That was a big part of high school. You got to nullify the thing, the test. So they'll have to test you again, but then another week will pass. They don't just, they don't just read in the NFL anymore, right? Well,

Well, in the NBA, they go, the collective bargaining agreement, they're like, you can test for drugs, not weed. And they're like, why? They're like, off the record, we're all using weed. Yeah. It's not a big deal, and we want to take it. Kevin Durant talks about it. He's like, yeah, I get high all the time. He just says it. He says it. Well, nowadays, it's like people in a lot of states are like, what's the difference? Yeah. It's not a performance enhancer by any means. Exactly. Yeah, it's a worsener. Yeah, it's like, what, are they going to give them opioids instead? Here, take these opioids and fuck up your life? Well, that was the thing in the UFC where they go like, you took weed to take it, but

It's a performance enhancer. And they're like, well, if it's a performance enhancer, then it's got to be legal for medicinal.

It's either not medicinal or it's not performance enhancing. It's one or the other. Durant, in a Letterman interview with him, he was like, I'm high right now. He said it. And it's in the Netflix one. And he's like, by the way, can you imagine? That's how far weed has come. Can you imagine Michael Jordan being like, I'm high? Yeah. He'd be like, what? He couldn't admit to gambling. Wow. Yeah. How long until the president's like, I'm high. Hey, good debate. I'm fucking good. I heard Durant took credit for EZE's AIDS.

Wow. It was Shug Knight. It was Shug Knight on Kimmel. And it was wild. You got to see that interview. It was wild. I gave my AIDS? Shug Knight. Yeah, where he goes, where Kimmel has like a flak jacket on. And Shug Knight's like, what are you doing? He goes, all right, this is my normal outfit. I don't know. And then he goes like, what are you doing? He's like, well, you know, there's other ways. Like could have paid someone to stick you with AIDS like that other guy. And Kimmel's like, wait, what? He goes, eh, don't worry about that. Was this fun, Kimmel? This was fun, Kimmel. Yeah.

And everyone's like, you can have 100 Cuban cigars if you're trapped. Is that right? So you can bring 100 back. So I just fly 100 cigars home. But wait a minute. You put a weird bookie. Yeah. Just get that one part about that.

Wow. Yeah, it was pretty wild. He's pretty much saying, like, I paid someone. Because he went, because Eazy-E went from no gay rumors to straight AIDS. Yeah. And then dead in no time. Straight AIDS. It was such a quickly progressing thing that it is odd. Right, right. Why are we going to prove this?

Oh, it's not. Oh, no, that's just it's because you know, you've been in the can for a while. He would never do that. I love racist Jimmy. Right. Yeah. See, if somebody's going to do something to somebody, see, technology is so high, right? Right. So if you shoot somebody, you go to jail forever. So the kids don't want to go to jail forever, right? So they got this new thing out that people sell them all the time. They got this stuff to call. They get blood from somebody with AIDS.

and it shoots you with it. Oh, that seems bad. That's a slow death. Yeah, yeah. It's actually the opening of the hockey game. Rewind that, rewind that, say it again. Yeah, yeah. Easy thing, you know what I mean? Yeah. Easy thing. Okay. Just some light talk show banter. Wow. I think they were struggling with guests back then. The whole crowd's like, do you not remember the first week of Kimmel when he had guest hosts for a week? Yeah. There's a big rumor that Snoop's

entire posse gang raped someone in their fucking locker room. What? Yep. Look it up. Look it up. I might be wrong. You might have to cut it out, but look it up. And then they were like, hey, we're done. This segment brought by Tom or do. It's a truth maker. Whoa. Well, if that's true, we got to help this lady.

I like that they wrote gangster rape suit, not gangster. They somehow made it racist. They made the allegation racist. Whoa. Ari, where are you getting all that? You're like a scoop.

Scoop Shafir. Yeah. The deep throat for the comedy bureau. You be tripping. You be tripping pod. You be tripping pod. There you go. Rapper and four members of his entourage raped her backstage after 2003 taping of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live. What?

I got to be honest with you. Every memory I bring up is like 50-50 true or not. But when you look at it, I'm like, it was right. That's amazing. I'm as surprised as you guys are. Holy moly. So I guess... Yeah, and he goes, hey, we got to watch who's in the fucking... We got to watch who's around now. Well, I guess this just went away. Well, ABC paid hush money. Yeah. Holy hell. Well, Snoop's like...

Doing great now. He's doing Sesame Street. I love that Disney's like, we need to silence this. Yeah. Mickey Mouse in a fucking tux. He had a murder charge and a rape suit. Yeah. Murder he got off. What kind of rape suit do you wear to a wedding? I think a Cosby sweater. Oh!

Boom. There it is. There it is. Yeah, there we go. Oh, baby. That was pretty good. Not bad. I mean, it's not a suit. I cheated a little, but it's all right.

Mark, well, let's just say this offstage, but after your fucking show in Memphis, let's go hang out in the bus and let's get some drinks. I would love to. Let's do it. Let's do it, baby. My routine on the bus is we just fucking drink. James is there. We drink wine, whiskey. We fucking have a Negron. We watch a movie. It's fucking great. Do you have this problem? Because I did it once before in November with Renazisi and O'Neal. You go on stage. They go up. Another one goes up. Then you go on. And you come off like, oh, okay, I'm off. You take five minutes, whatever. How are you guys doing? And they're like, oh.

You guys are fucked up. You guys got lit without me. You have that problem or not? No, because my crew is Brian is, you know, James is filming. Brian is fucking running the show and Vitor doesn't drink. Vitor's waiting for you to buy anything.

Yeah, Vitor's like, I want a ribeye and I want it to be aged. Love Vitor. That's all he has. Love Vitor's Jewishness. So funny. Well, he's sober and he's got two kids and a wife at home. I didn't know he was sober. Oh, yeah. On everything except gambling. When we went to fucking Vegas with him, he was like, the Colgate women's team has a plus 34. Oh, my God.

He, uh... Oh, man. He loves it curling. Every once in a while, he's a snob. So if I can get him, if I have, like, a really expensive bottle of scotch or something, I'll be like, dude, this is, like, a $1,000 bottle. He'll be like, really? And then I'll be like, nah, that was, like, a $50 bottle. But he's already drunk. Yeah, let him ride. I used to have barbecues in my old place. I had a backyard for a while. That was sick. Yeah. And then Norman would show up with his two-thirds of a bottle of Schumer, uh...

fucking Lagavulin. It was her favorite, and then it became our favorite. That's good whiskey, baby. I didn't open it, but I'm like, yes! That's the best stuff, man. Very nice. Oh, man. My direction every time. I forced that fucker out. Do it that way. Cure blindness. Ha ha ha!

She will attack you. She will attack you. All right, buddy. I'm sorry. All right. There you go. The more tall we're going to be, you're going to be 69 with that girl. Canine.

It's late. It's the second show. I had to imagine Norman in his sleep just, pun. Dan, you look like shit on this fucking cover. You look way better now. I was still drinking during that. Rosebud. It should be a fish sticks commercial or something. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was pretty puffy. There you go. Orson Welles. Holy shit. I like the blazer, though. Orson Swells. There you go. Oh, man. Citizen Brazen Cades. Do you ever see Dan... Do you ever see... Citizen Brazen Cades.

Raising cans is great. Dude, you see Orson Welles and that Dean Marden roast? You just got to see how Don Rickles brings him up by saying, just get Rickles' intro, which is a fucking great intro. What is it, Orson Welles he said? Yeah, Orson Welles, Dean Marden roast, but just get Rickles bringing him up because that's fucking, Rickles is such a fucking badass. Oh, and Paul Schrader on Adam Friedland. We saw that. He's the fucking best. We got to get Schrader on. I'd love to get Schrader. Who's Schrader? Fucking road taxi driver. You guys got like six months to get him in.

Yeah, right? That guy's the hourglasses. Oh, no, you want Rickles bringing Orson Welles up. You don't have the... That bow tie sucks. He's done. I love this guy. He got lit up in the air. They were bigger than TV back then. They might just be the Orson Welles. They're kind of the same way. Ladies and gentlemen, a great star for some of you. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They're all flat now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's just the line I wanted. I fucking love that line. That's a great line. They're all flat. Dean Martin can't stop smoking a cigarette or joining. He's like, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Who was that? I saw Jimmy Stewart. Who was the other guy? Rewind for a second. That was great, man. They all did this. Just keep away from their families for another minute. Yeah. Oh, Bob Hope. Who's the guy on the left there? Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy Stewart. That's Jimmy Stewart. Old as shit. Man, he got... Ocean Wells got fucking enormous. Huge. He got huge. Huge.

I like when you just lean in to like, I'm just going to eat. Yeah. Brando did that. Brando did. He would hide it too. He would be like, oh, I can only have one bite of this at dinner. Then he'd go to his hotel room. I love the fact that Ralphie used to do that. He would eat, go in and out or something on the way to go eat. So he goes, no, I barely eat. It's just a metabolism thing. Yeah. Yeah.

He would have secret meals. One of the best Gabriel Iglesias lines I've ever heard in person. I don't know if I heard it or if it's a memory of someone else. It was Ralphie May was saying he was a vegetarian. And Gabriel goes, what's he eating? Crops? Wow. That's a burn from another fat guy. He's like, you don't get that fat from fucking... I opened for Louie Anderson.

This must be like 88. I don't know what year this was. It was like 2009. Well, you looked like a boy. Yeah. He was into that. Clean shaven. We'd do a show every night. He would trash my act. He'd be like, you got to change this. You're too dirty. That's too dark. And then we'd get McDonald's. And he would get milk at McDonald's. Oh. I never forgot. That disgust would be more than the octopus. I didn't even know they had it. I didn't know they had milk either. It was like- More disgusting than the rape. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

But nice guy. He was a funny dude. Louis Anderson did my storytelling show, did This Is Not Happening, and he finished. And you know how everybody sucks up to celebrities? Yeah. Didn't do well. He just didn't do well. Hmm.

And he gets off. He's like, that was bad. And everyone's like, no, Louie, it was amazing. It was amazing. He's like, I don't know. It was bad. They're like, no, you're crazy. That was great. He goes up to me with my level of autism. He goes, that wasn't good. I'm like, no, it really wasn't. And he goes, can I come back tomorrow? I'm like, yeah, you can come back tomorrow. We'll do it again. I love that. Yeah. And he crushed it. No way. That's awesome. Yeah. That happened to Richard Pryor. That Long Beach special that everybody raves about. He did it one night. Bah.

And they're like, geez, this is not good. We wasted all this cameras, film. Run it back? Went back the next night, killed it. Wow.

Yeah, I love when it's like they suck up to these people so much that they don't treat them like comics. Yeah, that's true. He was a funny dude, though. And in his later years, he got more and more real. Yeah. Baskets. Yeah. That's the second season of Baskets. He's like tremendous. Oh, yeah. What a fun idea. Like, let's have him play the mom. Yeah, it was like... It worked. It wasn't like Martin Lawrence or something. Yeah, right. It wasn't even... Like, you kind of forget that it's a dude. Yeah.

There's that point where he goes to the ocean by himself and it's kind of beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was... FX took some chances. FX took some chances. They had...

Remember when comedy such was complaining like FX is lapping us. Yeah, say shit. We can't say shit Like what are we doing here? I remember the people that I knew at Comedy Central like what we're gonna lose this I know and they did they did they had so many good shows forget Nathan for use on Comedy Central They had so many fun. Oh, even in the later years Even the fucking that that whatever Bell her show was Bell. Yeah

Blanchett, kind of chubby. Kristen Bell? Oh, I know what you're talking about, yeah. Idiot Sitter, I think it was. Oh, that show was fun. And then even though digital stuff was pretty good, the fucking... They had so many. Tosh.0, dude. Dilly Show or Keeve Show. Yeah, that started with them?

What? No, no, no. It was just Keeves. It was Delco. Delco. Delco. They bought that. That's right. Yeah, I remember that. I forgot about that. They made it for digital, I thought. They did digital. They made it for digital, but then they were like... And they were like, yeah, we're done. And then Tommy Pope's like, well, I'll show you a quick comedy for four years. Yeah, well... He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back, baby. So is John Steele. Yeah, they had some great shit. Yeah, they tried. They really went for it. The Two Chicks.

Broad City. Oh, Broad City. That was the working title. Schumer was great. Yeah, yeah. There was a couple seasons of Schumer that were awesome. Oh, Metzger was on fire. I mean, Hell Show. Hell Show was like, what the fuck? South Park. Old Colbert. The Colbert Report was incredible. Yeah, old Jon Stewart show. Yeah, yeah.

That's a shame. They got too big for their britches. I say we focus on the positives and not say it's a shame. Just be like, what a fucking great run they had. Hey, there you go. No, I would say, yeah, it's a better one. You can't last forever, and they did. And I'll tell you what their uphill battle was. They were fighting some 78-year-old guy who ran all of Viacom, who was applying Nick Mom's rules to them. Right, right. Right, you know? And it's like, it was never going to work. I also just think, like, with the internet, like,

You can't get, like, from Instagram, you can't get the rewarding feeling that you can get watching a drama, but you can get the comedy fix. Good point. You can get, like, somebody getting nuts. Okay, I laughed. I don't need to watch a sitcom tonight. And everybody always says, hey, comedy's not what it used to be. You can't say this, you can't say that. But you go online, you can say all kinds of crazy things. Like these TikToks. I'm like, whoa. They might not suggest your shit to people unless you change, like, sex to blex. But, like...

You can't do it if you want. Oh, dude. Like black Twitter or like hood clips. All that shit. Yeah, shout out Miss Pat. Miss Pat's killed it. She's so funny, man. So funny. But that's just, you know, all those people in charge. Like, that's why podcasts got so popular. And stand-up. Because we can just say whatever the fuck we want. I think podcasts came out of...

We would do morning radio, even with Joe Rogan, and we're like, man, this would be fun if we could say fuck and if we didn't have to wake up at 6 a.m. to do it. And eventually they just kept not changing for us, and we're like, let's just do it at 2 a.m. and say fuck.

Yeah. I think we did. But it's also fun to hear people, four people talk normally. There's not like that Hoda, you know, going like, so Dan, where are you from again? Go get out of here. They have great taffy. You know, like who cares? Let's watch Jimmy Fallon and just fake laughing. It's just Sam Morrell on morning television. It's just like, he's pretty much saying, hey guys, before I start, eat a dick.

There you go. Last time I did it in Salt Lake, the guy was fucking with me in the green room, and he was like, you're going to mess with us? And I was like, mm-hmm. He was a Mormon bishop. He just kept fucking with me. What? And Gary's like, well, he's just going to get you to go ten times harder. I was like, he will. Wow. And that's why that one was a fucking really uncomfortable one. That was awkward. Me and my wife will watch your guys' morning show appearance. They're a blast. They're really fun. Oh, fun. They're fun. I don't even do them anymore just because I don't want to get up. I was like, eh, it's not worth the class. I had a Thursday late show, and then I was like, fuck.

fuck, why did I agree to this? But then I got there and I was like, this is pretty fun. - Yeah. - I did TV in Denver, I mean TV radio in Denver, but it was only because like, you know some radio stations you like? I'm like, I haven't seen this guy in about seven years. - Yeah, some of them are fun. - And it's like, let me come in and say hi to Willie B. - Willie B, Preston and Steve are cool. - The Pittsburgh guys are cool. - Yeah.

Have you ever been out heavier at one where you where they don't like edit the clip like I was I did some morning Show and it was like some joke I had where I say I come on your face, and they like say it right like oh wow I've never seen that we got to get that yeah, well. They don't know it was a sad one. I don't know When you be the face Pickle fucking

Pickle candy. Yeah, what the fuck did you find that? I like how you didn't warn me, too. I was just like, as I'm eating, I'm like, what the fuck is that? It's like a jelly belly of doom. Well, we had a bunch of news stories, but we didn't even need to get to them. Yeah, fun episode. I've been in it a while. Plug your dates, guys. Oh, yeah, where are you going to be? When does this come out?

What was it? Two weeks. Oh, in two weeks. All right. Well, I'll be in April. I'm going to be at Moon Tower with Ari. Yeah, I'll be there at 420. I'm doing a 420 show. I'm excited about that. I'll be at Teehee's Comedy Club in Des Moines at the end. I think it's like March 30th. DC Improv. One of the best fucking clubs in the country. Well, I'm in the small room, but yeah. What's your question?

That's all silver. It'd be fun. It's like they're counter-programming it because it's like Michael Blackson in the big room and me in the small room. They're like, what's the opposite of a Michael Blackson audience? Yeah, I'll be at Proctor's Theater. It's Jimmy Whiteson. Comedy Cabin in Janesville. Yeah, a couple. Yeah, check out my website. I have all my dates there. Thank you. And follow me on Instagram, guys. Dan St. Germain. DanStGermain.com. DanStGermain.net. Don't have the .com, but Dan St. Germain on Instagram. And Fatty Dance is a special place.

If you like wrestling, I'm on WrestleRoast, a wrestling podcast. All right, now I'm done. Hell yeah. I am... Well, my main thing is Washington, D.C. My special taping is April 26th and 27th. 26th will be added by then. I'm doing a whole big tour, the Wrong Side of History tour from Savannah to Toronto and March 21st till, I don't know, April 6th or 7th or something and then 420 in Moon Tower. But that special taping, April 26th, 27th. Come out to that. Tell your friends in D.C. And my new...

Podcasts. You be tripping. It's a travel podcast. For those of you with wanderlust, it's You Be Tripping Pod. I just copied you guys with We Might Be Drunk Pod. How so? Because you guys have We Might Be Drunk Pod. Oh.

Got it. What do you name the YouTube podcast? I think you can call it Pod. Yeah, Pod's all. Pod's everybody's. Yeah, so I did that, and then you'll be tripping on wherever you find podcasts. Mark was on last week. Yes, and we're both going to be in Memphis, Tennessee, Albuquerque, Little Rock, Bristol, Tennessee, Knoxville, Chattanooga. You guys should do a bunch of pills in Elvis' honor when you're on.

Oh, yeah. Bunch of what? A bunch of pills. Let's take some pills to Graceland. Yeah, for sure. You have to. Okay, wait. Pause your reads for a second. You'll be on a tour until then. I'll be in a bus tour. If I can locate some pills. Well, it depends on the pill. Yeah, or if you can. No offense. Listen.

No uppers. Let's go Xanax, Blue Chew, Percocet. Yeah, let's all take fucking boner pills, Mark, at Grey's Planet. Well, listen, whatever we can get, we get. But let's in honor of fucking the king. How about Molly?

Sure. All right. We'll do some molly. We'll put it on a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Yes. Yes. Yeah, we'll shoot the TV out. And we'll eat it at Graceland. I love it. Don't shit on that tour bus, though. What? Don't shit on the tour bus. Oh, the first day, we're like, is that real? And the driver's like, it is real. Don't do it. Israel, Palestine. Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Bloomington, Evansville, Los Angeles. Some fun. Coachella.

Victoria, Canada, Vancouver, Royal Oak. I love Royal Oak. Going hard. MarkNormanComedy.com.

I'm taking some time off. I'm just doing AC in June with Chris DiStefano. That's on sale. A little co-headlining thing. Caesars. Holy shit. That'll be fun. I lost money there. We're going against fucking Frankie Valli. I want to see Frankie Valli. He's like 89. Yeah. That one song that Mainskin covered. Which one?

Begging. I'm begging. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Great. I will say this. I'd like to promote two more things. Mm-hmm.

Let's have some barbecues this summer. Yeah, we need it. You have to promote that. You can just ask them. I have a patio. Let's do some fucking barbecues, you guys. Weekday barbecues. I was just at Dallas Comedy Club. What's the big barbecue place in Dallas that was like- Snifters? Not Snifters. That's- O'Brien? Snifters. I hardly knew her. No. God, now I'm- Terry Black's. Unbelievable. Yes. Unbelievable. Talk to Lauren Compton. She'll give you free ribs.

I'm just saying. I've also got my storytelling show. How's she hooked up to Terry Bliss? She's banging the black. Oh, seriously? Yeah, yeah. Goddamn. No way. Is she banging or is she dating him? Oh, dating. Dating. I mean, yeah, probably banging. What's the point with you, right? All right. Is that him?

He's giving a thumbs up right from the straight from our conference house. Yeah, she's getting that jalapeno sausage. I'm doing my storytelling show at Netflix's The Joke Fest in LA. I get tickets now. Stick to your ribs. All right, love you guys. Totally. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Going to be legal in the bars very soon here in New York. Wait, it's not legal right now?

Dude, New York distribution is a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. You got to fucking grease palms. We're greasing palms. We're greasing. We're putting money in. Hold on. We got to beat Dos Oros. Let's just give a couple bottles to fucking DeRosa. We will. I'm fine with that. Let's just give it to him. Let's do it. That'll spread the word. He'll drink it all alone, sadly.

Yeah, you got them here. Well, we're not going right now, but do that. All right. It's now available at DeRosa's Bar. There we go, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah. Queef it up. Thanks for coming. Dance Fatty Dance. Dance Fatty Dance. Guys, nothing's bigger than a fucking comedian special. Go check out fucking Dance Fatty Dance right now. Dance Fatty Dance. Give it a fucking like. Give it a fucking comment. Give it a share. Everybody just share it. And then give one...

Dollar. Yeah. For the donation. If everybody gives a dollar, he can afford to make another one. That'd be so cheap to give one fucking dollar. Or more. I'm still in the fucking red on it. For sure more. Oh, no. Well, this pod won't help. We'll get out. Thanks a lot, guys. See you guys. Sunday's a day. Norman's talking shit. I'm dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't eat true.