Ep 170: Brian Simpson & Joe List
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Hey, man. Hey. Good to see you. Sure you don't want to get a full body suit in case she has a nom flashback? I mean, that attacked me twice already. She's in a bad mood today, dude. I don't know what the hell happened. It's what happens when you get a cranky old bag with dementia. Yeah, she's like angry Mitch McConnell.

She's loopy. Instead of freezing, she bites. It's hardcore. Yeah, I was going to say evil Mitch McConnell, but that's a little redundant. Hey, hey. Good to be back. I took a red eye. Thanks for making this. I'm taping a special this week. So Mark did me a solid and we're taping on a Tuesday because I'm out on tomorrow. Oh, this is exciting. So many things happening. On tomorrow. I can't even. Did I just have a stroke? On tomorrow. I sounded like an immigrant. I'll be out on tomorrow. Yeah, man. Yeah.

So you flew in this morning. Yeah. You drink on the flight? No, no. Coffee? Drink last night coffee. Tried to nap. Can't nap. Bad napper. I can't do it. Especially when you need to nap. You're like, I need these hours on the flight to nap. And then you're thinking about the nap and then you can't. It's like a boner. Exactly. No, it's horrible. And I...

I'm envious of people who could do it. Yeah, yeah, just gain. This guy will fly to fucking L.A. He'll sleep six hours. Oh, every second. Every second of the flight, you know. Like, from when it takes off? Just when it's lifting off is when I like to conk out. That's so valuable. Well, the trick is to, as you're taking off, hit that recline. Yeah. You get that double. You're, like, totally backwards. Oh, I do. But I can't, I still can't fall asleep.

Me neither. I can't do it, dude. It's anxiety, too, I think. When Richard Jefferson was on here talking about how players take naps, I get it. They're working out and stuff. They're tired. But I'm tired. Yeah. I can't do shit. No, no. It's a nightmare. My wife took me to stomp. Huh? My wife took me to stomp. I fell asleep.

Really? In the morning. Just fall asleep. That's great for her when there's a break-in. It's also the worst review of that show ever. Yeah. I felt, even the, it's like they're trying to wake you up. They're like, come on, dude. Can't wake up. I wish you were in the Aurora Theater. That would have gotten your ass.

Yeah. There's never a shooting at a Broadway show. That's true. Yeah. New York, no guns. Nah, gays don't shoot. You have a joke about that, right? They get their load off. Wait, what? You have a joke about a gay gang? There's no gay gangs. Yeah. That would just be a musical. Yeah. The snapping. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, Austin was great. Did all the pods. Me and Soder did Kill Tony. We were zinging and zanging. We took that thing over. And Mothership was fun. Jumped around all the clubs. And Paramount, one of the great theaters. Killer room. Stav taped a special there. Good place to tape. Yeah. I did that last year. It was killer. Great shows. Got a Wilbur vibe of theater, but intimate.

Exactly. Closed balcony, not too big, not too small. And you got those little, I saw a tell there once, and he said, he called the seats, you know, the little terrace things in the top. The box thing? He calls those the Lincoln seats. Ah, yeah.

Which I was like, that's pretty great. Yeah, no, Austin has got some great rooms. Yeah. The problem is you drink all day, you drink all night, you eat brisket, tacos, tequila. They don't need abortion there because you're going to have a miscarriage. True. True, yeah. Just make sure she's near a staircase and you're good to go. We're off to the races tonight, folks. Yeah. Yeah, man, I'm fucking...

I had that classic thing where I did six shows in Utah and I was like, oh, I'm sick. And I'm like, fuck, why? You have that thing where you're like, why did I add another show? I'm such a moron. I added a late Thursday. I'm told you I'm done with the three in a day, but I'll do two a day. I'm fine with that. Sure. And I have a morning show on Friday. What's morning? Oh, morning show on TV. Yeah, like 8 a.m. or something. Yeah. But I also took like an 8 a.m. flight to get there. So I was like, I told you I don't nap. So I'm just on fumes. Oh.

I'm watching the coffee intake because of the ulcer. I'm being very careful. I'm still drinking coffee, but it's like, you know, I used to be like a six-a-day guy, easy. Now I'm like two. Oof. And yeah, I'm like, this fucking mountain air. It's not for juice. Right. That mountain air is not for us, man. No. I mean, it was beautiful. Utah is beautiful. It's really beautiful. The women there are so fucking hot in Utah. I call it a two jack off before show city. Wow.

That's how hot the women are there. You got to get it out of your system. Now that's a review. You got to focus on the show. Trip advisor over here. For real, the women are like hot. And the men are all like, they either look like Kenneth from 30 Rock or one of the Sex Pistols. They're all just like, they're the nerdiest fucks ever. Or they're just like bad. Tattooed, jacked, like a mohawk and shit. Exactly. Yeah, I always say the guys there look like out-of-work UFC fighters and the women look like out-of-work porn stars.

Bad tattoos, bad tan, crazy weird fake blonde hair, like...

Yeah. Nails. Like we could see your pierced nipples or we can't even see cleavage. There's no middle ground. The Mormon shit, half of them are so repressed, so they have to get it out and all these crazy, I'm not one of them. Look at me. I'm bad. I'm fucking nuts. I'm drinking a monster. And then the other ones are like the Poindexter. It's like Dilbert. Monster was made for the people that were held down. Yes. Like green tea was an act of rebellion to them. Right. So like monster, they're like, fuck you, dad. Yeah.

Yes. I know Soder has a whole bit on soaking and murdering. By the way, Soder, new special out, killer. Killer.

Everybody's talking about it. Great ep with us, too. What? Fun ep with us. Oh, killer ep. Yeah, great. And then I saw him at the mothership. He's headlining over there. And I was like, let me watch. He let me open. Hannibal showed up. That was cool. It was a real who's who over there. Soda's got a new 42 or whatever. It's incredible. He's cooking, man. Murdering with brand new material. He's having a moment. He's in the zone. He's in the zone. Good to see your boys in the zone. Yes, yes. It's nice. It's also cool to see him just like, you know...

Similar to us, had stuff not really pop on, you know, streamers. Yep. We didn't even have streamers. We were on cable. Ugh, even worse. We were on Comedy Central. But so do, you know, it's like, you know, you're jealous. I remember when HBO turned down my special, I was like, fuck. Oh, yeah. And then, of course, the YouTube one was like...

popped off but at the time you're like fuck this is good for him and we didn't know the business is always changing man and now we've got the YouTube and it's blowing the fuck up I know but there's a little there's some quirks with YouTube Fahim our pal

Open for me at the Paramount. His special is stuck in limbo or whatever. He said cunt or homo or something, and it's less than 100,000 views. That happened to Joe List, too. His last special had like 9 million, and this one's like 1.5. It's still great. In like the 45th minute. I know. They're like not for kids. 18 and over only. Yep. Watch that aisle. But yeah.

No, it's so you got to you still got to tap dance a little. But obviously, we're all glad to have you, too. Yeah, well, they keep they keep on that goalpost. And it's like we all signed up for a different set of rules. And now there's a word for that. Have you heard this presentism? That's where you get mad at somebody now for something they did. Wait, I think that's just having a girlfriend. Hold on. I want to get this right.

Presentism? For something I've done in the past, but you're getting mad now for something I did in the past. Because it was okay back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like saying retarded or something in the 90s, and they pull that up, and you're like, but you could say it then. Yeah. This was Harvey Weinstein's whole case. Presentism. It was cool back then. Yeah, but that was always illegal. Yeah. But that was, yeah, I don't know. The analogy is...

You're going 20 miles an hour in 1988. They changed the law to 10, but they still got you going 20, so you got a ticket. Now. That's the analogy. Yeah. No, I got you. There you go. I was backstage with this week, and he was talking about whether I should say retard on stage for my special, which was taped. Is it YouTube? Yeah.

I can't say. I know what it's on. I'll tell you after. Okay. And he said, he was like, I'm referring to myself in 1995. Is this okay? Meaning like, I'm talking about something I said in 1995. Jesus, we're all getting in a retarded time machine. Don't know. What should be a great John Cusack movie. Instead of hot tubs, he's just like, yeah. Exactly. We all go back, we're like,

What's that? It's a conversation we have to have now, which is crazy. Yeah, Liz has a bit of a... The most offensive movie ever. Yeah. But also the most feel-good one. That's true. No, that's... Of course you can, is the answer. I mean, this is an insane conversation we're having. It's like, okay, so if you make a period piece now, you have to make guys... They don't say the N-word? Right. Hitler's nice to Jews? Right, right. Exactly. I mean, I think...

It feels, this was honestly kind of a problem I had with the Sopranos movie. As opposed to the Sopranos, it felt like they were like bad dudes. And in the movie, they were like bad dudes, but it felt like

I hate to use a word like more on eggshells, but it felt like it didn't have the freedom of the show. Sure. I guess it was a time limit, but then there were other problems, but... The Saints of Newark you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, definitely. It felt a little new washed. What's like when they changed the...

Remember Huckleberry Finn? They changed it. They were like, didn't they make it N-word Jim? Yeah. It's like, come on. And then Jesse Pop had the best bit about that. You remember that? Where he said, how about just Jim? That was a great one. But I mean, look, I'm against changing. Old shit. Changing art. Yeah. I mean, so you're going to watch a Bogart movie? He's vaping?

Right. You know, it's like, are you going to do no smoking? I mean, I know. What are we doing is a warning now. It's like violent sex smoking. Yeah. Jesus Christ. What are we doing here? But I was thinking I was watching The Outsiders was on TV and I was like, this is like eight white dudes, all eight handsome white dudes. They couldn't do that now. But white dudes were friends in 1951.

They were greasers. I mean, yeah. I mean, they were gangs. It was just, I think, you know. This room is all white dudes. And a woman. And a woman. Probably a black woman, if we're being honest. Yeah. You know, Compton. Snatching me. Yeah, that vet. But she's loyal. Yeah. Well, these hoes are loyal.

She was in a fucking mood, dude. I mean, I tell you, she just came at me like twice and I was like, fuck, I might not bring her. What does that look like when she comes at you? Oh my God. I could send you a video. You want to see? Yeah. It's quick and vicious. I don't know if I could, I don't know if I could do this. Again. I feel like that we need a video of some animation of her taking her earrings off first. I

I can't find it now. It's too much pressure to scroll through everything. But yeah, this is exciting. I feel like our friends, like Joe List was just on the Tonight Show. Great set. Soder's special, Fahim's special. Shane's on SNL. You're doing a fucking hot one at the Wilbur. I was apparently not supposed to say what streamer it was on. Oh. I mean, yeah. Got a text saying, yeah, you weren't supposed to do that. I'm like, I don't know. Who cares? I don't get it. It's coming out anyway. What are we doing here? I don't know.

All right. There's rules, I guess. I think they like to make the announcements. Yeah. They roll it out their way. I see. We could have gotten you an exclusive. All right. I don't know. Still can. Yeah. Who knows? All right. Well, hey, still exciting either way. And I think this is where I get queefy. Mm-hmm.

I think the gods are in your favor. You ever heard the old proverb about the kid who breaks his leg on a horse and they go, he's like, oh, my life's ruined. Then a war breaks out. He can't go fight because he's got a broken leg. All his friends and family die. He's alive. Yeah. You can't drink. By the way, I like that he thinks that's a happy ending. Everyone in his life is gone, but he's okay. He's alive. Yeah. Guy who hates his wife and friends and family. I might have botched it.

Yeah, I can only hope we get rid of Salicus. Oh, this guy's not lasting a minute. Look at him. He shows up in a green Hawaiian shirt. They're like, oh, this is going to be an easy guy. Line that up. Taking a photograph of the guy in the front line. But yeah, you couldn't drink. And then you got a special coming up.

Might be a blessing in disguise get your head clear your body's right. I'll tell you I got a suit for this special doesn't fit anymore cuz I lost some fucking whoa In way better shape because man booze is a lot of calories. Oh, it's crazy Especially especially brown liquor, which is what we like is that bad really brown is worse Except for except for bodega cat actually we've heard healthy. Yeah. Yes. I've heard it's really good for you. Good for you Yeah, take a swig of night

Yeah, no, I feel good. I do. I mean, nothing hurts the brain like booze. We've all been foggy. We've all been hungover. It definitely slows me down a peg. I'll tell you, though, I am ready to fucking tape because I'm just so sick of these jokes. I haven't run a special like this in a while, and I'm torturing myself over tags right now. I'm just over this shit. By that time, you know it's going to be a banger. We'll see. I feel good about it. It'll be good. But here's the classic conundrum.

I taped it, I was gonna tape it in LA, 'cause I've never done a West Coast special. I was like, "Yeah, maybe the Wilbur would be a fun place to tape." My agent goes, "Don't do it. There's gonna be showbiz people there who are gonna wanna say what's up in between shows. You wanna chill." And I was like, "That's good advice." - That is good. - So we do the Wilbur in Boston. Literally everyone is coming. My boy Dory's coming, Chase is coming. You're coming, but yeah, but you're working on it.

My family. It's a classic my family move. I was like, I'm going to get your hotel. Friday night? And my dad's like, yeah, we're actually coming up Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I'm like, all right, let me add that to the tab. I'm already paying for 25 hotel rooms this trip. And you're not getting La Quinta either. No, no, no. I'm not going to put them up in a bad hotel. Yeah. But it's...

Yeah, it's like everyone's, but my dad's from Boston, so he's like, you know, this is. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Can I run a bit, actually? Do it. Yeah. I got a bit idea. So people always shit on step-parents, but like that was no one's plan A.

No one was like, you know, hopefully someday I can raise the kid of the guy who nutted on the person I love. That would be cool. And he'll resent me for no reason. Yeah. There's something to that, right? Yeah, definitely. Because I think about that all the time. You know, when you're a kid, you fight with, I had a stepdad who was a great dad, but when you're a kid, you fight with your... Of course, you're not my real father. Oh, I've said that. Yeah, in a fight. Yeah. And you know what he said? You're right, I'm here. Oh!

No, he didn't, but he should have. He should have said that. That's a bit. Oh, okay. That's good. And then you can bring it all around with the step porn. That's a good point. That's the biggest, speaking of nutted. That's how they get it back. But it's true. I mean, like, step parents get a bad rap, and it's like a pretty noble thing to be a step parent. Of course. It's like a volunteer firefighter. You stepped in. That's a good analogy.

You stepped in, and you didn't have to. Yeah, the real firefighters, they flew the coop. Yeah. I like it. She's pissed. She's pissed. Easy. I got a little trick to get her in a good mood again. There you go. Xanax. There it is. Opium. Sentinel. Yeah, all right. I got a bit idea. This is raw. Real raw. Hit me. Okay. I was...

I was on the road as well. You get all horned up. You're watching porn. Your dick's chafed. You're jizzing all over the washcloth. It's really a problem. It's a problem. Masturbation on the road. Oh, yeah. It's awful. And I don't drink a lot during the week, and I don't watch porn at all during the week because I'm home with the ladies, so I have access. Sure. So on the weekend, I'm alone, so it's just pornapalooza, and I'm going to town. My dick is ruined. But...

You get all crazy when you're horny. You know, you're watching this, you're watching that, you're making faces, I got one leg up, I'm doing this. And I thought, like, when you're horny, you're not in your right state of mind. You say crazy shit, you're spitting, you're choking each other, you know, uh,

And then you jerk off and it's almost like you took meds. You're like, oh, I'm back down. Like, I'm back to normal. So you took your medicine. Natural medicine. Natural medicine. Yeah. But in court, you should be able to plead horny. Oh. That's really the crux of it, you know? Who, rapists? Oh!

Who are we talking about? There's statutes of limitation here, but I'm just saying like... We really need Godfrey for a Cosby impression right now. That would be pretty clutch. But you know, if the judge is like, says here you promised her...

to pay your college debt while you were getting blown and you're like your honor i gotta plead horny good you know but that's great the rape thing i gotta figure out a way yeah i know that the it is true i've thought about that too like they say don't go shopping when you're hungry don't don't try to fly a woman in when you're horny right you ever do yeah you're like jerking off on facetime you're like i'll book you a ticket yeah

Wrong state of mind. Fuck. You come. You're like, oh my God, what have I done? You're crazy. Her personality is not that good. Exactly. I was watching a Beat Bobby Flay with my girlfriend yesterday and there's this one woman who just like, she's hot, but she's got that classic hot person, horrible personality. She's one of the judges. Sure.

And it's like, I bet he banged her. Oh, 100%. It's one of those where you're like, he's like fucking her and he's like, I'll make you a judge. I'll make you a judge on my show. Then he nuts like, fuck, she's not that good a TV personality. Yeah.

Yeah, my wife, when we got engaged, she was like, you want to go to the wedding? She's talking to the mailman. Like, you want to go to the wedding? You want to go to the wedding? And I was like, you're just giving this away. Like, what are you, crazy? You don't want these people at the wedding? And then I realized that's kind of what I did. I banged her and I was like, you want to get married? Maybe that could be in there. Yeah. All right. Just spitballing. There's some way to be like, you know,

She was on two knees, so then you got down on one or something like that. I don't know. That's her horny. Yeah. What? You proposing. Yeah, that's her. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? I like that. Okay. Okay. We got something here. Yeah. We're cooking. I'll flesh it out in Tucson and Phoenix this weekend. Yeah. You're doing a theater in Phoenix. Yeah, too. I've never done a theater in Phoenix. I usually spread it out as stand-up live, but...

Great comedy town. Yeah, it is. They love comedy there. Let me know where the theater is. It's pretty good to... That's dry air over there. I think the Jews like that. Yeah, dry heat is nice. Yes. Because it could be like 100 there and you're all right. I know, that's true. But fucking, God, the desert. Like Vegas, I sound like such a Jewish stereotype, but like that shit...

I leave Vegas with my throat like, I'm probably sick every time. Yeah, well it's also the worst, scummiest people in the country going to one place and touching everything and getting big drinks. And cigarettes everywhere. We're not used to, we were conditioned to be around cigarettes.

Yeah. I remember we used to play comedy clubs. I remember doing like the St. Louis Funny Bone and they would, it was a cloud of smoke. I remember that. You were just like, wow, holy, like thinking back, I'm like, that's insane. Insane. That that was a thing. But it was like, it was kind of like, you're talking about stepping into a time portal. You felt like you were an 80s comic. Oh yeah. You know? Yeah, Crackers too. They had the smoke eater. Remember that on the ceiling? It would be like, and it would suck up all the smoke. But I remember that club. Oh yeah.

My granddad was a boxer in the 50s, and he was like, when we would fight outside, it was a relief. Because when you're fighting indoors, you can't breathe because everyone's smoking cigars. Wow. I went to a cockfight in Puerto Rico.

Sounds like a country song. Went to a cockfight. I had to see one. It's inhumane. It's hard to watch, but they're all smoking. So we're in like this little like kind of shack warehouse thing. You can't really outlaw smoking at a cockfight. You're kind of focusing on the wrong problem, right? Yeah, the health inspector's like, whoa, keep pecking his brains out. That nicotine's got to go. So yeah, just...

just so much smoke, but the whole thing was just gruesome. That's awful. Yeah. I mean, I'll eat it. I'll eat a chicken, but like, I don't, I don't want to watch that shit. Even when you watch like food, Inc or one of those docs and you just see them like flip them upside down and slit their throat. You're like, I don't want to see. No, no, no,

It's like seeing how the stripper became the stripper. I want to see the stripping. I don't want to see the dad beating her at 11. Yeah. We don't need the origin story. Yeah. Yeah. The stripping is fun though. Stripping is great. And chicken's great too. Porn is great. Either way, we like breasts. Yeah. Yeah. Although it feels like a lot of porn stars are, uh, off in themselves these days. Yeah. Notice that? Yeah. I remember a long time ago, uh,

I was out with Jim Jeffries and we were like, you know, getting drunk and my brother and his like, I guess at the time, fiance maybe or they were serious. We all are at a bar and Jim, you know, when you're drinking, you have some ne'er do well friends who pop in. Sure. And he had this friend pop in who told this long story that we were kind of like, where's this going? And it's about a porn star and he's expecting a big laugh. At the end, he goes, and then she fucking kills herself. And we all, everyone just staring at him like, that's horrible. Ah,

It's not funny at all. And my brother's wife looked at me like, where are we? Yeah, yeah. Welcome to comedy. I was like, what the fuck is this guy? Ne'er-do-wells is perfect. Comics used to be like pirates. You know, they were all drunk and one eye missing. I was laughing. I was like, that's insane that you thought that was like a punchline. Yeah. Someone just murdered themselves.

Yeah, there's one who died recently. Richard Lewis was a porn star. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, he was good. Fuck, by the way, RIP Richard Lewis. You know, did I ever send you guys a thing? I tried to get him on We Might Be Drunk. What? And he wrote back a nice message. Show us. Prove it. He just said, I think he had his number in there, so I don't want to post it. Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. Just tell us what it said. Yeah, I'll read it. It said, I think he said this to all young comics, but he, let me find it. He was great. He had great stuff in the 80s and-

I wrote, you ever come to New York? Would love you on me and Norman's pod. He wrote, I'm from New York, but short on the men from health problems. Stay authentic. And I wrote, hope you're okay. I think he wrote, stay authentic to every young comic. I think that was like his George Carlin, keep kicking them in the nuts. Yeah, yeah, right, right. You know? Let's get him on the wall, too. Oh, yeah. We do. We need him on the, god damn, this wall's gonna fill up, man. He was a hunk in his day. He had like a full head of hair. He had a big,

black jacket on yeah there you go he was great and he and he was so funny with larry their friendship was like a beautiful thing the way they shit on each other and yes he had he had a quote in this book i tweeted this when he died but like in the book i'm dying up here they profiled him a lot of it you know because it's from that 80s period in la and he would pick up women he would bang like all these hot women oh yeah one of his pickup lines was i'll i'll buy you a tuna fish sandwich anywhere in this town that's a that's a charming line that's a great line yeah

Seinfeld used to have one where he'd go up to women and go, you wouldn't know what to look at me, but I can run really fast. It's a cute line. It's fun. Yeah, he had a run on Conan. He did a Conan once. I can't remember who the guest was. Oh, Johnny Knoxville. Yes. And he talked about seeing Shaq's dick.

And just murdering. Conan's getting up and walking around. It was one of those. And he was getting annoyed with Conan. Yes. Look it up if you can find it. I don't know if we're allowed to play it, are we? Conan clip. Let me see if our guest is texting. Just want to make sure. Nope. Okay. A little late. Yeah, well, you know.

Don't go there. But I do think he's not New York savvy, our guest. Sure. Also, traffic was really bad, I noticed. All right, here we go. Is this it? Yeah. You're on that show. You must be having a good time. What year is that? 2002? Curb.

Larry David, it's his show. I just come on every couple of weeks and he's just, he's so hip and great. I knew him since I was 12. I went to this camp and I hated his ass. He was a jerk. He was a jerk off. You guys were in camp together? At 12.

I would have jerked off. Jackass. We were both jackasses. We fought. We had fist fights. 13 years later, we were both comics at the Improv, which is no longer here, sadly, in New York. And we dug each other's act. And then one night, I'm looking at him like,

I hate you, man. I hate you. It was like Roland Polanski. It was like a scary thing. And I said- You just looked at him for no reason and said, I hate you? Well, I hated his ass. He was a jackass when he was 13, 12 years later. I didn't recognize him. Right, I see, I see. Except the eyes, I felt some kind of demonic crap going on. So we sat down and went, you're that guy? You're that jackass? And we started fighting again. Oh boy.

But so now when I do the show, it's all ad lib and it's a trip, man. And it's a great show. And I mean, we got to play too much of it. But but I mean, I mean, that's a great story, too, is he has a lot of great Larry David stories. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That friendship. You don't see that kind of friendship on TV anymore. Like that kind of I hate you, but I love you. Ball busty, fighty. It's loose. It's a loose friendship. And yeah.

And it's real, man. Yeah. You're like kind of shouldn't each other. But but your love is on the shack stuff. Yeah, sure.

Give us a taste. I want to just see him start killing. So Shaq... Does the Lakers practice naked? No, this happened before... They shoot the show five months... This is from the episode where they were at the game and Larry accidentally tripped Shaq. Great episode. Season two, I think. So I go there and Shaq, you know, he's a man. I'm a man. Okay? But he's 7'3". How come this... Why isn't his head the size of like five, you know, gigantic basketballs? I don't understand it. It doesn't make any... Because I look down at another man's

Penis. Yeah. I'm a man too. Yeah. Well, come on. Okay. I didn't, I actually said, I started shaking like I had some kind of disease and I was shaking like, like Molly's ghost. And I went, and I actually said, quite a reference. Christmas Carol. What is that? To another man.

Like a Johnny Knoxville. He probably just blew a bull or something. And he's like, oh, penis. But all right, it's NBC. Good point. He stapled his nuts to a piranha. But he's like, you can't say that. He's getting pegged by a clown. Easy there.

All right. Oh, you want to hear the rest of it? No, we got it. Okay, we got it. Yeah, no, we don't even know if we could do it. But how morbid that the last time he was on Curb, it was like, when you die, I don't want your money. I hope you die alone. He had that big fight about his will. He was having health problems. He's been sick on that show for like ever. Because I was watching the season five episode where-

The woman with the abnormally large vagina. Yeah. I sent Mark the clip that day. I was like, we were just literally watching Curb as the news broke that he died. But yeah. Might I propose that he whips the glasses off? Oh, that scene fucking. So good. I'll text you that. That one fucking. Comedy gold. That gets me every fucking time. And then they cut to Richard Lewis and he's like, what the fuck? This is not what I've asked you to do.

Might I propose you have an abnormally large vagina? It's fucking great. I'm sending it to Sal Monk. You waltz in here and put the ball. All right. Yeah. R.I.P. Lewis and R.I.P. the Jaw Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. Yeah, that's crazy that the festival's over. I mean, we were new faces. Here's a little throwback Mark and Sam here. We were, I believe, new faces the same year after both events.

Failing to get in three or four times. Oh, yeah. How many times do you think we failed? Probably four, right? I got it on the fifth. Yeah, I think me too. Because we text every year afterwards. And I believed in Mark so much, more than myself, that I was like, I'd be like, I didn't get it, but you got it. And Mark would be like, no. No, I thought you were going to get it. Yeah, it was like we both thought the other one would get it and didn't believe in ourselves. And then we got it the same year. Yeah, it was a loaded year. Loaded year. Pete Davidson, Schultz, Chris D., Damian Lemon, and...

Can't remember who else. Neil Brennan hosted, I remember. I remember that, yeah. Povitsky, I think. Yeah. Maybe. Who else? Povitsky.

I can't remember who else. Brooks Whelan. Maybe Whelan. Yeah, he got it. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. What happened there? Such a juggernaut. I don't know. Well, they had to check some boxes. They had a bit of a cancel situation. And then I think sitcoms. The whole thing was sitcoms. It was like, we got this guy. He's a shooting star. We're going to put him in this sitcom. And then here we go. So we're going to launch people. Yeah, maybe. He was in our class. He killed Aparna. Oh, yeah. There you go.

A lot of strong comics. But now that sitcoms are over, they can't really launch. Yeah. The internet is. Mark and I came up in like the, you know, hearing stories. Oh yeah, you can play this real quick. This is, she was great too. Mo Collins. I'll tell you what I'm driving at. I submit you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here. His reaction here. What?

The reaction's the best part. He was just like, why would you do this? He delivered it like a southern lawyer, too. I love the delivery. Full on, like, mock, what is it called? To kill a mockingbird. I submit. Atticus Finch. Yeah, there you go. Boomer Adly.

Yeah, that fest. Mark and I, we got loaded. I mean, that's when Mark and I didn't know that those could actually help your career. We were just like open bar. It was a party. So we just got lit the fuck up. Some people worse than us. I won't name names, but some people I was like, yeah, you can't get that bad. We were bad, but there were some people like...

Starting fights. Yeah. There was a great moment. I was drunk, and I saw Jimmy Carr go up to Damian Lemon, who's a funny black comic, and he goes, Michael Che, you are really one of the next big things. And I was like, ah!

Amazing moment. Yeah, and then he was like apologetic. He was like, oh, I'd love to see you, though. I'd love to see you sometime. Exactly. Yeah, that's a bad moment. I mean, look, the truth is they both had flat-brimmed hats, and Jimmy probably saw him from far away. True. And we're all drinking, and it was dark. He's racist. He's racist. He's a racist man. Very racist. No, that was...

That was a fun time, though. We had some good times. I had some bad times there, too, though. Oh, yeah. I had some bombs. I don't know how they went bankrupt paying us what they did. I don't think we got paid, did we? Oh, well, when you went back, you did. But it was always so disrespectful. Oh, yeah. They were like, it's a party. You do it for the party. And then you look at the thing and you're like, I sold a lot of tickets. I know. I know. It's exposure. I can get exposure in Phoenix. I don't need...

I don't need you guys. Yeah. Well, that's the problem. It's the old model of the industry where in the 90s, they were like, you get a six, seven-figure deal, high six-figure deal probably. Yeah. A holding deal. You get a holding deal. Holding deal. This is from the 90s. Didn't you explain a holding deal? Well, that was not something in Mark or my lifetime, but in the 90s, you'd get a deal that ABC or CBS, they'd be like, hey, we don't have a show for you yet, but don't go anywhere else. We'll give you...

400 grand to not make a show. Holding. Wow. So you make money to not make a show. Holding coffee. A lot of literary. By the time we got there, you were lucky if you got an agent. Yeah, that's right. I got an agent at Paradigm. And to let you know how seriously they took my career, the guy who signed me left without telling me. Oh, wow. I found out. I was like, hey, can I talk to Fred Hashigan? They're like, he doesn't work here anymore. I was like, cool. Wow.

That's crazy. Guess I wasn't important. Yeah. Jesus. Probably still getting 10%. He's living in Boca. Well, the woman who was booking my tour dates at the time was doing great for me, considering I had nothing going for me. She was working her butt off. Came up, and she was awesome. Oh, wow. We had one person there, but at a certain point, you got to leave. Yeah.

And I think we were both at Innovative who treated us like shit. Yes. They would write nasty emails to us. Oh, yeah. They would just be like, well, this is what you're worth now. And I'd be like, well, it's a terrible offer. I know. Did he yell at you when I bailed out of there? When I was like, I'm going to leave you guys. I'm sorry. I'm going another way. And they were like, fuck you. You're done. You'll never work again. You're done. There's a lot of that going on. My career was going badly because I was with you. Exactly. This is the good news. Yes. No, they would write nasty shit. Oh, yeah.

It was me, Norman, Rachel Feinstein was with them. What's in their interest to be dicks to you? I don't get that. It's just ego. They're unprofessional. You think you can leave us? There's nothing. No, you know how a professional does it? I remember Mark and I were free agent comics and Mark signed with UTA and I signed with WME. This was over COVID.

And the guy I didn't sign with who was high up at UTA was very respectful on the phone. He was like, well, you know, I understand, but the door's open. And, like, that's how you handle it if you're a professional. If you're smart and you see the big picture, what an idiot would do would be like, man, you're fucking up. You're an idiot. Fuck you. Click. That's how a moron acts. Yeah, well, tell that to Berkowitz. Wasn't he nice to you? I came home. There was a knife in the door with a lock.

And it was written in blood. It said, you're done or something like that. You slit your cat's throat. Exactly. That's a mess. Was he really mad at you? I think he was just like, hey, go. He was more passive aggressive, like do what you got to do, man. But big loss. He didn't scream at you. No.

I know, Bert, we go way back. Yeah, we go back. That's why I went with him, because we went back. But, I mean, I understood, like, you know. It's funny how agents are like wives or girlfriends, because I'll mention it in passing to my agent, like, oh, Berkowitz told me this. They're like, whoa, whoa. He texted you, and you're like, oh, you're jealous. And it's kind of fun. It's like your wife getting mad. That's true, yeah. You've got to get them mad every once in a while. Let them know that you can still get it wet. Exactly, exactly. I'm on the market. Yeah, exactly.

I remember having, I mean, some fucking manager I had, he was so mad at me. I've never had a breakup this bad. But it was like a 30-minute, like, I fucking got you this. At one point he said, I made you. And I was like, did you? Were you the one staying at these fucking shithole motels? You're not my real dad. Missing connect flights? Just once when I'm sweating my fucking balls off missing a connect flight in that massive Atlanta airport and the door shuts in your face, you want to be like...

10%, huh? Yeah, I know, right? You made me. Speaking of sad showbiz shit, Instagram was down today. The whole fucking country, hair caught on fire. It was crazy. You realize how much you look at it, how much you use it, how much you rely on it. Not just Instagram, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. What? Elon Musk had a tweet where he was like, I'm the one who's not down today. Yeah, he goes, I know why you're here. That was a funny tweet. Yeah.

No one is not down today. My girlfriend said the same thing. I saw a funny tweet. It said, Threads is down. Tens of people disappointed. Hey, that's fun. That's funny. Threads is like woke Twitter.

Is it? I haven't even looked at it. Well, I just have it to have it, but it's like, yeah, it's like where people go who are like pissed off. Say what you want about Twitter. It's the last place you can say whatever the fuck you want. Oh, it's wild. For like a massive platform. Sure, sure. It's crazy. Yeah. And that's new. It used to not be like that. I feel like it used to be a little more filtered. Although I will say, there's a portion of...

Elon's people who are such cucks. They're such fucking annoying. And they're dark as shit. They act like they're like the comedy people and then you make any joke about Elon, they're like, fuck you, you pussy. You fucking pussy. And it's like, guess what? It's either all okay or none of it's okay. He made this like fake macho tweet about like put on my gravestone, never went to therapy. I'm like, that's not like a cool thing to brag about when you've got 12 kids and clearly are a bit unhinged. Right, right.

Like, it's like, you know, and also, like, there are people who need therapy who are going to see that and be like, well, maybe I shouldn't go to therapy. Right. It's like, I'm not saying it's for everybody, but you tell me Elon Musk wouldn't benefit from therapy? Yeah, well, you got to sift with X. Yeah.

Or whatever it's called. You got to sift. You got to go, okay, that's crazy. There's a puppy being lit on fire and a guy writing, ha ha, burn bitch or whatever. And then there's a guy going, hey, don't say whatever. And you're like, all right, I'll just, you got to find your lane. Have you ever reported anything on X? No. Reported? I don't report. Yeah, you can report. What are we, fucking home monitors? Well, if I saw a dog on fire, I might report that.

Well, it's just a tweet. I'm not saying the guy did it. I'm not either, but I'm like, get this fucking off my thing. You shouldn't be. Once I finish jerking off, I'll... All right. But yeah, it's just crazy that Instagram goes down and it's like, whoa. Yeah. You need this. Yeah. I kept opening it. Oh, yeah, it's not there. Then five minutes later, oh, yeah, it's down.

So kind of an eye opener. Yeah, we are addicted. We're addicted. And you got to, you got to post a link to your, your shows this weekend. You know, it's, it's really helpful too. Yeah. You want to promote, I mean, I'm not promoting stuff for a while now. That's like, well, yeah, I mean, it's, it's crazy. It's like, I haven't, this is the first time in a while. I haven't been like these shows need, it's also easier to sell at a club than it is, uh, a theater, you know, the theater ones I was stressing a little bit more, you know, but, uh,

Yeah, I'm not really touring for a minute. I'm trying to just taping this and I'll try to write some new shit. I don't want to. I don't. Did you take time off? How much time do you take off? Nothing. It's tough. And it was a it was not easy. Yeah, I just need to write more before I do that. I think I'll work out. But I fucking hate working out at the cellar. Oh, it's just tough. Yeah. You got to be I got to branch out, go to New York Comedy Club, go here, go there.

Do a little at the Cellar, but you can't rely on solely that club. Yeah, I guess I got to really start fucking hustling again. Oh, yeah. The grind will begin. That part's tough. I don't envy you. Yeah, no, I was not envying you when you had to start this new one after the Netflix, but I got a little bit. I got like a few to at least make a club set passable for now. Bill Burr always says he keeps about 12 minutes of hack.

Just after he puts a special out, he can just go out there and kill for at least 12 to 15 and then kind of work around it with new shit. It's like cooking with fat. Yeah, yeah, there you go. But yeah, mash some of the taste in some butter. Okay, so I got a, speaking of Twitter, I got a peeve. Please. All right.

I'm getting sick and tired of these motherfuckers on Twitter who will post a video of Taylor Swift or Donald Trump or Nicki Minaj and they go, what do you notice about this video? And I'm like, I don't know. She's twerking. Is there an alien in the back? Does a baby fall out of her clam? I don't know what I'm supposed to see. And then you watch it eight times and then I check the replies and

to see what i'm missing drives me crazy just just tell me what's weird about the video or maybe it's a trick yeah what am i a fucking detective yeah how much time do you think i have now you rewatch and now they're getting their views up that's probably why they do it it worked and i feel like a chump yeah i don't i guess i haven't i haven't really seen these but that sounds fucking annoying you're gonna see it now that i've said it i'll notice it now it's out there

Damn, that's annoying. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of annoying shit on there. I got a peeve. All right. And I have to realize why it is a peeve, but you know where you're at the airport, you got your rolly bag, right? And then there's those sidewalk bumps, right? When you're trying to roll it across the street, the sidewalk herpes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I fucking hate the sidewalk herpes. Why is that fucking there? And then you have to now jangle it over the fucking thing. And you know what I realize it is? I think it's for blind people. Whoa.

So they know, isn't that right?

Yeah. They have those on the subway, too. You ever see, like, off the stairs, it's sort of a ridged walkway? Yeah. Yes. Not by the platform, but, like, right down the middle, it's a ridged walkway. Yes. To show them where to walk. Whoa. Yeah. The fact that blind people, we struggle to get through New York. There's fucking blind people walking around in this haunted house obstacle course with no sight. It's pretty great. Well, on the train, that might work to your advantage sometimes. That's true. Some shit you don't want to see. But, yeah, I don't know how the hell they do it. Public transportation when you're blind, that's fucking tough. Yeah.

Respect. I'm on no sleep, so I'm just going to get a little pick-me-up beer. I'm jealous because I want some, but I fucking... I'm not going to drink until this weekend. Hell yeah. Let me check my checks again. Actually, probably Thursday. I might have... I got Negronis and Bodega Cat for the green room. Nice. And some wine because I have a lot of people back there. Yeah.

Guys, remember BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Get that shit. We're working with a new person. It's very exciting. We're going to have a new website made, hopefully. Yes. A lot of good shit coming for Bodega Cat. You can feel the wheels are actually in motion. It feels like we're getting over that hump.

Yeah, we couldn't crack before. Hey Mark, can you pour half and then half in another glass? I want to try this. Whooo! You want ice or no? No, this is for you. Oh, for me? Yeah. What do you mean? So that we have that little whipping thing right there and apparently if you aerate it like brrrr, like a whipper, whisker. Yeah. It tastes better. It goes down smoother. This is for you, Jack.

Tell me which one's better. Whip one and then don't whip the other. You got to get the whipping out before the guest shows. Oh, boy. Is he showing? What happened? Did he write anything? No, nothing. And Liz said 3.17 arrival. He texted. Maybe he thought it was 3 originally. Because 2.30, I guess, is a weird time. Why is it a weird time? That's a totally normal time. I don't know. 30 minutes after. 2.20 is a weird time. 2.30 is completely normal. All right.

Does she look okay now? She's been in such a bad fucking mood. She's fine. She likes the mic. She likes being on the set. She might attack me when I move her for this other guest. A little taste test here. Which one is that? Damn, that's smooth. Really? That is a damn good tequila. Let me smell it. Does it smell different? I mean, it's like no kick at all. Fuck, that smells so good. I miss drinking so much. This is a hot one. Where'd you find this, Peters? What's it called, Mark? Tequila Ocho. Tequila Ocho.

Okay. Wait, you got it? Where'd you get it? That's dangerous. That's a problem. Is that a good one? Damn, all right. I'm going to have it when I'm back at 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll chill. God damn. I keep talking about how great it is. Hold on. This is the whipped one. I miss booze. My girlfriend was asking me. She's like, it's no difference. She was like, don't you feel good that you're not drinking, though? You're in good shape right now. And I was just like, no. No.

I want it back. I don't feel good at all. I mean, like, I guess, like, physically, I do, like, yeah, I could do an extra couple pull-ups. Great. But what about the sharpness? Don't you feel like you're sharper? I know I am. When I'm not drinking, I'm, like, dialed in, baby. I feel pretty good. I mean, the thing is, the ulcer is still, I still wake up in pain because of the fucking, probably coffee.

Yeah, right. You have to be so careful with food, too, with an ulcer. It's so fucking dumb. And stress, too. It's like just an annoying thing. They did the orthoscopy down the throat? Yeah, the endoscopy. Endoscopy, whatever it's called. And then they confirmed? Yeah, Liz from the Comedy Cellar picked me up. She was my, the man from the Comedy Cellar. Wow. Everyone was busy. Norman was my next ask, but I hate asking people who I assumed he was doing something during the day. Yeah.

Liz is too, but I was like, she lives right down there too. Let me try Liz. I could probably, yeah, if I could squeeze it in, I'm down in the village. She just laughed. I came out there fucking wobbling. Boy, if I could get an abortion, I'm calling Liz. She's good. She's always there. She's like a task rabbit. She's fucking great. I got a weird request from Norman the other weekend. He was like, can you go down to my house? I'll buzz you in and play with my cat.

That sounds weird. I was like, what? Yeah, I was like, what? I was out of town. We're both out of town. They're both doing sets, he and his wife. The cat gets depressed if he's on his own for two days. That makes sense. Yeah. It's like a scientific fact. Cats need a person around every at least 12 hours. I mean, why do you think she gets so fucking cranky? She's yapping in my fucking ear the whole time I'm eating yesterday. I had to put her in the bedroom. Then I hear her get like really fucking angry. And I'm like...

Well, just behave while I eat. I give you bites. You got to, yeah, I mean, I get it. You need a, you got an animal. You got to play with them. That's tough. It's tough to have an animal. It is. Especially now that your wife is doing standup. Yeah, it's a lot. I mean, imagine a kid. Is there a part of you where it's like, you were the one who was supposed to stay back. Oh, yeah. We made a pact. I said, we'll get a cat, but I'm not doing anything. And she was like, no problem. And then, of course, a weekend, she's like, can you change the litter? I'm like, get fucking cut.

But, um, now I'm calling my friends to go over there and sniff her panties. Pull the Polly Walnuts. Pull it up. That's a great clip. Christopher's just fucking fuming. That's a great clip. That is a great clip.

You know what's funny about Salad G's? I could picture just with this getup you have on, you're the sniff-a-panty friend. Well, trust me. Come on, dickhead. Yeah. Goddamn. They're beef in this show. Get it on before Liz shows up and is furious. I know, right? Also, that's why the Pine Barrens episode was so good. Because it was just those two. Their chemistry. These are for eight. Nice goods.

My Broadway's a size 10. This really sucks, Christopher. You see the shit I go through? Here it is. Andrea Di Matteo. Oh, Pauly. Motherfucker. You gotta shoot him. Nothing.

I love that he's mad at her. Yeah, he's always mad at her. I love that Chrissy is like a weird looking guy. He's got no definition, but he's pulling her. He's confident. And he's in the mob. By the way, Drea DiMatteo went on OnlyFans because she hasn't worked in a while or whatever the case is. She said, it paid off my mortgage in the first day. I subscribed. Did you really? No, I got the leaks. But yeah, she's hot.

You were mooched. Do you feel bad mooching off something? That's like the new rip in a movie. It's a new bootleg movie. Yeah, I let her make her money and then I did it. I didn't do it too early. But the leaks are just there. Really? Yeah. I'm not a supporter of that. Hey, we're on YouTube. Yeah, we're on YouTube. We're furry. That's right. Do we have a Patreon still or no? It's there. Can we do feet stuff for that?

I got real toenails cooking right now. I've been on the road and my clippers broke. I could catch salmon with these fucking toenails. They're terrible. Yeah, right? It's disgusting. Do we have a guest? Uh-oh. All right. Okay, this guy, I know this guy pretty well. He's a bit of a man boy. He can't figure anything out. He's like a real comic, almost like how Norm couldn't drive. He's got a little of that in him. Hey, shit. How are you, man? Sit down. Sit right there, yeah.

How you doing? Good to see you, man. Uh-oh. What's wrong? Well, we got to peeve out of the gate. Let's go. The fucking stinky Uber. Oh, the worst. Because when the Uber stinks, it makes every other thing that's wrong times 10. Yeah, right. I'm with you. It's like this guy was a fucking idiot.

I'm 15. My hotel's 15 miles away from here. Jesus. Driving or walking? Driving. And it took me 30, almost 30 minutes. Times Square. We're in Times Square. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. This guy was just fucking stupid. He drove right past me, first of all. Jesus. I'm on a one-way street. I meet him coming up the street.

I fucking, hey, he drives right the fuck past me. Then he holds up traffic. Yeah. Because now I got to walk up the street to get there. Oh, man. He doesn't pull over enough for everybody to get past him. He holds up traffic. I open the, and I can already tell. I was like, this motherfucker going to be funky. Did you undo the windows? No, so. You got to undo the windows. Yeah, open that window. Send a message. Yeah, I opened my window, and then he closes it.

Whoa. It's raining out. He hotboxed you. Right, right. It is raining out. But still, but still, I'm trying to send the subtle signs when I'm like, hey, man, it smells bad. I eventually had to be like, hey, man. You said it? Yeah. It smells bad in here, man. I couldn't take it.

Wow, good for you because we all wanted to say it. Remember when James Smith did that? Yes, exactly. It smells bad in here, man. Let's compromise. Let's crack both of these. And what did he say to that? He did it. He did it. At least he understood. The thing about a smelly person, they don't know they're smelly most of the time. Well, no, the thing is some Uber drivers don't realize most of the time, man, they don't realize that like, hey, man,

You've been driving all day. Your ass fumes and everything. You've got to air it out between passengers. Right, right. You can't just have 20 asses in the back seat and then your ass in the front seat. You smell bad. Yes. There's no way to avoid that. And you're in a sealed box for 12 hours. Walk around. Let it breathe. Also, they work long hours. Sometimes they forget the deodorant. You forget the deodorant one day. That kills the car. And it's a cultural thing. Can we get the ethnicity? Yeah.

Just out of curiosity. He was some kind of Asian, like Cambodian. You know what? We're all a little racist because that wasn't what we thought. Indian is Asian, by the way. That's true. There was a golden something hanging in the window. That's Asian, all right. Is a cat doing this? Yeah.

And I'm one of those people, like, when I get irritated, it, like, affects the rest of my day. Yeah, of course. So I don't like being late. It makes me, it fucks me up. Well, relax, have a drink, you know. Yeah, let's do that. Tequila. Let's do that. I got some ice in here. Fuck yeah. And this is some damn good tequila. Oh, y'all are not drinking. Well, he is. I got an ulcer. I'm chilling for another week. He's an old detective. Why is there already liquid in here? Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. That's a new one.

I thought Mark was trying to poison me. Yeah, man. Well, you got a new... When's the new Netflix special? It's the end of the month. It's March 19th. Okay. Yeah. So right now, this comes out before that, right now...

You can go to Netflix and you could save it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so type in Brian Simpson, Netflix. Yes. And save to watch later so you get the alert when it comes out. And watch it the night of. It'll really boost it. Yeah, I wonder how much they judge you off how many people are saving it. Oh, yeah, never thought about that. Probably something. Because they wouldn't do it if they didn't. I don't know. They get all those numbers. They clock all that shit.

Hey, that's exciting. And you did it at the hottest club in the U.S. of A, baby. Did it at the Mothership. Yeah. Did you do it one room or did you bounce around? No, I did just the big room. Nice. Yeah, did four shows. Man, I was there this weekend. Had a free day on Sunday. I texted Adam, can we do a show at the Mothership, a headlining thing? He was like, let's do it, 5 p.m. Sells out in two seconds. Yeah, man, it...

Whatever your selling power is, the mothership multiplies it by like 50. Exactly. It's like anyone can sell it. Like when Carmelo wore the hoodie, remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. He was just playing way better. Oh. You could just sell it out. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And those crowds are hot. If they're there, they're there for comedy. Yeah. It's not like a date night or a party.

Bachelorette. Big time. Not very diverse crowds. Yeah, but still. The honkies laugh. I mean, no, because somebody was asking me when I got here, like, well, is it better than New York? And I was like, well, it's just different. Like, you get everybody here. Yeah. You know, in the crowds. It's not always a good thing, but...

That's true, because I'll be in Austin and I'll do a Puerto Rican joke or a Jewish joke or whatever, and they're kind of like, we don't know that one yet. We don't know about the tunnels. They tunnel? Like, yeah, Jew tunnel was in the news. They're like, oh, I haven't made it here yet. Or it can fool you. I've been working on this joke for like a month about why women don't apologize. And I got it to the point where it was crushing in Austin. And the first night here, I was like, ew.

Okay, maybe I need to... Yeah, they like women here. Make an adjustment. No, I mean, I got to work him. Okay, great. Last night, but still, it was like, you know. Well, that's why you got to get out. Yeah, you can't just do one... The touring's important. Totally. I had a joke where I wished cancer on people, on a person. I wished cancer on them, and it killed here. It killed in the Midwest. I took it to LA. It wouldn't fucking work. Interesting. They're like, he's mean. He's wishing... It's horrible. And then he's like, all right, you got to maybe...

Bring it down like a little bit. Right. A moderate form of cancer. It became like treatable cancer. That's how I got it to work. Right. I had a drug by the AIDS and it was always there and I changed it to chlamydia and it started hitting because it's not terminal. Yeah, but AIDS ain't terminal no more.

Did you see the gif of Idris Elba eating a spicy wing on Hot Ones? And it said a mosquito biting into Magic Johnson. Wow. Where he's just like, oh, oh. Oh, that's great. That's one of the best gifs I've seen. That's great. I've never seen that. Yeah, because I think AIDS isn't serious unless you've got something else, too. Like nowadays. Like COVID. Yeah, here it is. When a mosquito bites Magic Johnson.

That's really clever. I mean, it's dark as shit. Oh, shit. See, you know, people say like comedy movies aren't as edgy as they used to be. It all went to the internet. Like memes and all that fills that hole. Yeah. Well, they just don't make comedy movies. There's very few comedy movies. Yeah. That's true. And memes are also like the collective...

humor of all he meant. Because, you know, even people that aren't comics, everybody has lightning in a bottle. You know, every once in a while. Everybody I know said some hilarious shit at least once. And the memes are like all of humanity making a joke. It's like the whole country is a writer's room. Yeah, yeah. Almost.

Some of them are thieving motherfuckers, though. That's true. Yeah. They'll straight turn your bit into a meme. Yeah, it drives me nuts. Yeah, and then people will say, you took the meme. Yeah, the person who's in the clubs honing shit is the thief. It makes no sense, right? Like, inside of a dude who's just poaching it. They're like a joke curator. Totally. I'm like, don't send me these. Yeah. I don't even want to know. But that one made me fucking laugh. That's great.

Because that one's a visual joke. That one's like one you couldn't even do on stage. That's true. Yeah. I guess maybe if you're a good act out guy, you could. Yeah. I probably should have scheduled this for after. I have another podcast to do. What are you doing? B&E-ing. Oh, that's far away, too. I know. And I'm going to be drunk. Well, you don't have to finish it.

you might as well. Do you stop drinking, Sam? No, I have an ulcer. I've fucking... I've been drinking all year, but I just... It's killing me. I wake up in pain every day. A collateral... What kind of ulcer? I don't know. I got a fucking endoscopy. They're like, don't drink for a couple weeks and just...

I think the Richard Jefferson episode of this sent me the fuck back. Ah, well, we finished a bottle of whiskey. Yeah, we killed a bottle of Lagavulin, and I was already in a ton of pain, but it's an NBA player. He's, like, you know, fun. I'm like, fuck it, I'll drink with him. Yeah, I don't be drinking the bodega can. Oh, yeah, we do that, too. We could look at those three, four empty bottles right there. We mix it up. This is a nice sipping tequila.

No, I'll be back. All right. I'll be back. This is a fucking unfortunate. I'm actually missing it. It's really, it sucks. You're missing drinking? Yes. Because I wasn't even getting that fucked up anymore. I would just like enjoy it at the end of the show or something. It was more of just like an actual nightcap. That's a pro move. Yeah. All your joys add up.

They really do, don't they? Yeah. I think you only get so much joy. Yeah. It's sad. Yeah. You ever see one of those people where it's like you look at them and you're like, oh, you did Molly from like age 12 to like 20 and now you look 50. Yeah. But enough about Ari Shaffir. Right. It's like you used up all your funds. Yeah. Right. You can't just...

But then it raises the philosophical question. What's better? Die a little younger, die at 76 and live or eat kale every day, don't have fun, and then live to 101? I'd rather have fun and die early. Same. For sure. But I just. 76 is, I mean, that's pretty young. Richard Lewis was 72. Oh, no, he was 76. 76.

I say 60. 60 is when I'm trying to go. You're trying to punch it at 60? What are you now? What's after that? I'm 41 now. Oh, wow. 29 more years? That feels like enough. That's 19 more years. I'm a fucking idiot. Do you have kids? I don't have any kids. Do you want kids or no? No. Nope.

Do you have any? No, no. Oh, okay. I didn't know if you had one you didn't want it. But even if I did, that wouldn't change my calculus. You know? Yeah, waitress goes, you're the father, and you're like, cool, I'll give you 19. Yeah, yeah. 19 years, that's it. Raising strong. But you're in Tejas, no abortion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you better be careful. You can take the woman to another state. There's ways. All right. Well, she has to want to go. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Well, that's why God invented trunks, too. Why do you owe your kids suffering? Yeah. No, you want to be a good parent. There's enough people who are like, you see them in public and you're like, you didn't want this.

And for some reason you had four more. I know, right? Have kids if you want to have kids. Yeah. I think people just feel like they're supposed to. Yeah.

You know what I mean? People get married for the same reason. Oh, we're supposed to, now it's time. Yep. Women are always like, I'm running out of time. Yep. Yeah. Well, their bodies are giving them clues, though. That's the difference. Yeah, but sometimes you got to accept that's just a test you're not going to pass. Like, I know people from here, they grew up their whole lives, they're never going to have a driver's license.

Yeah. You know? I have one. I just can't drive. Oh, you do have one? I got a fucking license. Yeah, who let you slip by that test? Oh, I charmed her, the instructor. Gee, that's great for us. I won her over. I failed the first two or three, and then I charmed her. She laughed. I was like, I'm passing this no matter what. Wow. I hit a cone. She passed me. If it was a pass fail, I got like a 68 or something. You know when you're driving, you're like, where'd that guy learn to drive? Geez, he just cut me off. It's Charmy McGee over here. I just wanted it so I don't hand a bouncer a fucking permit. Ah.

There's something really sad about handing someone a learner's permit. You have no interest in driving. No. I mean, when do I need to, really? I mean... When you're on the road? Rental car? On the road, I usually Uber or I'm with Vita who could drive. There you go. You know.

All right. I mean, so many features getting work because they got a license. Exactly. Oh, man. What do they say? The first three letters of career, car. I remember lying to a comic and telling him I could drive. And he let me drive. And he was like, what the fuck? He made me pull over and switch. Wasn't it Joe List? No. But I booked that gig and List got furious. Don't even have to tell that story again. We've told that story 20 times in this pod. But yeah, List got furious at me. We did like.

Yeah.

And he's bigger than he seems. Yeah. And he's from Boston, so there's anger. Oh, yeah. A lot of deep fury. Yes. A lot of Catholic. Yes. Irish, big forehead, bad teeth. Like every Catholic, every Irish. Just naming bad qualities now. These have nothing to do with it. Yeah. Like they all draw on that like, I'm never going to tell somebody I was molested energy. Yeah. He's describing Bill Burr. Yeah.

A lot of the best comics come from Boston. It's crazy, right? I think you let that shit out. I think there's a lot. You're right. There's repression. And when you unleash that, that's like the funniest shit. I mean, it's a murderer's row. It's Patrice, Stan Hope, Dane Cook, Louie, uh,

Goldman, DiPaolo, List. Yeah, it's just... Rogan. Rogan, yeah, it's a crazy list. So Rogan's not from Boston. He came up in Boston, right? Yeah, he grew up... He's from San Francisco, and then I think he moved to Boston when he was like six. Oh, okay. So he is Boston. Yeah, no, he's from... I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, all right. But I think it's something about... Because everybody in Boston hates it, but they won't leave. No. And I think the people that get the balls to leave, they take that hate with them and they...

yeah yeah yeah you know what a good run was chicago that was a great was like mulaney hannibal pete holmes vaderat tj miller yeah chicago had a good run vaderat's underappreciated yeah he's fucking funny live yeah he's alive yeah yeah but that's a sign he's underappreciated yeah

That's what you want to hear as a working comic. Is he alive? Yeah, yeah. No, he's a beast. He's a great comic. Very funny. There's a lot of beasts out here. Yeah. Is that New City Austin now? Canane is another one from Chicago. Kumail? Well, nobody's come out of Austin yet. Nate? No? No, no. But it seems like they're fostering it. Yeah, it'll get there. Yeah. Yeah, it's coming. Yeah, but about...

13 more years. You got Second City. You got like Farley. Oh, yeah. Odenkirk. Yeah. Aykroyd. Yeah. Yeah. Murray. Bill Murray. Vince Vaughn. Didn't the Bay have a run too? The Bay had a run. Yeah. Yeah. I think Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, Shang Wang, Louis Katz, Moshe Kasher, Ali Wong.

Yeah. Are you forgetting somebody? Oh, Pat Oswalt? Oh, I think even Chappelle did a stint in the Bay. Yeah, so did Pryor. Oh, really? I mean, he kind of actually got funny up there. Lenny Bruce. Because Pryor was on some Bill Cosby shit. Then he went to Berkeley and came back going hard. And he was gay. Yeah.

Who? He was gay. Briar. Was he? I don't know if he was. He wasn't gay. I think he was just doing a lot of cocaine. I think he blew Brando. Pull it up. I think he was just having fun. Okay. I would blow Brando. I mean, he's like the De Niro of their day or DiCaprio, maybe. You'd blow DiCaprio? I'm too old. You missed your window. They didn't have bisexuals back then. No, no. It was all of them. Second dick.

I think that's Pryor's dong. They say it's this guy. That does not look like a white dick. No, it does not. And I know white dick. You are one. How do you get a picture of that? I don't know. Yeah, right? Healthier than the shit Pryor was smoking, though. Isn't that back when you had to stand still for a long time? Yeah, that must be a drawing. This has been around since the 80s. I remember seeing this in the 90s. They had a fling, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, Paul Mooney was around for all that shit. He was gay as well. Paul Mooney was a character. Oh, yeah. I was not comfortable around that guy. Yeah, me neither. Really? Oh, my God. He was intimidating as fuck. I only met him when he was falling apart. Oh, really? I met him as a young comic, and he was prickly as fuck, but he was hilarious. You ever see this clip? It's prior to talking about Second Date. No, never fuck a faggot.

No, I like to say this on film because to all American male persons never fuck a faggot because they will lie They always say I won't tell they lie. They can't wait till you finish fucking them. Well guess who was here, honey? Girl look here. Well the nigga got more bitch in him than me Don't ever give a faggot head because you really be low down there, right?

This is crazy admitting to this. This is wild. Yeah, everybody ain't never sucked a dick or something. Yeah, I mean, no siree, Bob. We've never ever touched a penis in our life. We're real men. I sucked a dick. You can get a habit from sucking dick. You know, become a dick junkie. You can only do it maybe three times. You do it more than that, you get a habit. You mean, I gotta have a dick.

I love the prices in the back. Pecan pie, $1.25. That's what you noticed? That's what you took from it? That is cheap. Hey, another surprise guest. Did he put his album out? Yeah, that's a record. Still Smokin', I believe it's called? That's Chee Jin Chong. Oh, Live and Smokin'. What was the prior album called? That early one. Hello. Crazy. What's wrong? Is that what it is? Live and Smokin'.

All right. Joe List, fresh off crushing the Tonight Show. Thank you. Hey. With the shirt on. I wore the shirt. I did Fian's podcast. I wore it as a goof. And Sam was like, come by here. And I'm like, wow, I feel like I have the giant mug too, but I left it over there. Let me go get it because it's pretty funny. They give you a grab bag over there. Well, they give you like a whole little. Like a swag bag. T-shirt, mug. Do you still do late night sets, Brian, or no? There you go. I said no.

I should probably. Yeah, it's fun. I don't belong. Why? I don't have, it's kind of. But you have like concise jokes. I feel like you would work on late night. The pennies bit would work. Yeah, but that's only like 30 seconds. And it's already on TV.

Yeah, it is already on. Well, no. Well, you did kind of a late night set on David Spade's show. Yeah, but they let me say what I want to. That's true. That's kind of like what Conan used to be. Cable. Yeah. Yeah. And so the last time I tried to do that and going back and forth with them, and finally I was like, because my thing was I'll go back and forth with you until I feel like it's not funny, and then I'm not going to do it. Yeah. You got to finagle. And so it's that. You got to go back and forth, because I don't have any family-friendly experiences.

It's tough. I tried to code through my whole album. I was like, what could I say on nothing? No, you can do something. You got the hacky sack bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do I know this? This is your act. But all of that's already on something. It was on Netflix. But you can do stuff again. I did all my stuff was on, not all my stuff, 60% of it was on my special. And they didn't give me any flack. I think they're hungry for...

Funny people? Really good. Trying to find a nice way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just emailed a, I don't know, maybe it doesn't work like this, but I emailed a transcript and he was like, great. And he was like, come on more. Oh. So it was fun. I'm bringing it back, baby. What do you feel like the benefit of going on a- Fun.

Well, I've said this for years. I think experientially, it's fun. Like if you remove career, whatever, expectations, it's fun to go buy a suit. I went to Bloomingdale's and had a tailor and I bought a suit and my mother gets to watch and my niece came and there's a guy with a little earpiece. Mr. List is arriving. He's here. 30 Rock. Julianne Moore is over there. It's exciting. It's fun. You say what's up to her? She said hello. I think she knew that I'm in the green room. So she went, hey, she's our guy in the suit. Who's Julianne Moore? You've seen it. Big Lebowski. I don't know her.

Maude. A lot of ins, a lot of outs. You know her? She's in The Fugitive. Oh, okay, yeah, I do. I know her. There you go. She's in The Fugitive? Yeah, a small part. She's one of the doctors at the hospital. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. That's a great movie. That's right. Yeah, she helps him out. And Lindsay Lohan was...

So it's exciting. You know, it's fun. It was fucking hot redhead night. That's crazy. Ian Lara has a reel from the Tonight Show that has 12 million views. There you go. 12 million. Yeah, you look good. It looks professional. Yeah. And it's fun to have a day. Everybody's posting it and sharing it and texting you. It's exciting. It's exciting to feel. As fun as YouTube and Patreon and all this stuff that we're doing, which is amazing and made us all wealthy to varying degrees.

It's fun to still be in showbiz. Yes, I agree. It's fun. Lights, camera. That is a better pitch than my manager or agent. What do they say to you? I think I'd make a great manager. Seriously. But just nothing that was convincing. It's a huge moment. It's not a huge moment. That's the opposite of what it is.

But I do think we talk about it. It was fun. It's very fun. And Jay Leno said it's you're still the only thing on NBC for five minutes. And the Tonight Show is the longest running talk show in the history of America or whatever. And Jimmy Fallon, you talk to him. That's fun. Jimmy's really nice. And you get a different audience that I was on Kill Tony and Tonight Show last night. I saw that. Kill Tony has like 575,000 views. The Tonight Show is 11,000. Ah.

Well, now you just talked him out of it. Sorry. But it's fun to hit different things. I remember when we were young comics, that was all I wanted. I remember, you know, I think I was the last of you guys. I think you did Letterman and you did Conan. I was like, oh, I want to get on like Conan or Letterman so badly. And, you know, Conan was the fucking... That was the funnest. That was the most fun. We were all together when you did Conan. We were at Vancouver. Oh, yeah. Like the week before. That's right. Yeah, leading up to it. It was like this...

Exciting buzz that one of us was doing late night. That was a buzz. I was using that to meet girls. I was like, I'm on Conan in a week. Did that work? Eh. Eh.

That would totally not work now. A girl would be like, what's Conan? The Barbarian? Yeah, it wouldn't work now. Well, that's going to annoy me because a bunch of people were like, I didn't know this show was still on the air. And I responded to one, no, you did. Yeah. You're just being an ass. Exactly. It's on the air. You know that tonight's show is on the air. Yeah, right. That's a you problem. What are you, Amish? Yeah. No, you're aware. You think it'll ever go away? Oh, yeah. It's out.

Two weeks. It's gone. I don't know. I mean, people, it's, I don't know. People still watch. It'll move to like Peacock and then something. It'll just be kind of like a thing that's just there. Yeah, it's going back to cable. I mean, they're doing ads on all the streamers. I know, right? It's working backward. Well, the purpose of late night is kind of dead, right? They used to be like, that's when you can say things.

That's true. All the kids are asleep. It was late. But now people watch stuff when they want and late night doesn't really mean anything anymore. Well, and it's all very more corporate-y. Louis C.K. talks about this all the time. He's like, you could air The Tonight Show at 4 o'clock in the afternoon now. Right. Before it was like Johnny Carson was smoking and they'd be like, so whose britches have you been under? And everyone's like, whoo-hoo.

And now it's, you know, we're playing Connect Four or whatever. They're like afraid to push boundaries. Because podcasts do that now. So it's replay. There's no need to do that on TV because we're doing that here. But do you think we did it because you can't do it there, so we just rolled it over to here? Was it a cause and effect thing? No.

You think? I think you could do it less there so you can do it more here. And then also we just all became our own television. I mean, we're in a TV studio. That is not... That was not on the menu when you were... No. Even five years ago. We never thought you would just... You guys would own a TV studio or borrow it. Well, we just talked about repression. Like, that's what... We just, like, let it all out. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean...

What's going to happen? Trevor Noah does a podcast now. What's going to happen to Jimmy Kimmel if he doesn't renew on ABC? Probably some sort of podcast, right? Yeah, yeah. And even during the pandemic, when you couldn't do TV, they all started a podcast. Now Conan has a podcast. Jimmy Kimmel did a podcast with Fallon that no one listened to, I think.

Yeah, because that's another wild thing is that the audience is not going to come with you. I know. They might. They might. It depends. They might, but it's not a guarantee of like that because you have a huge voice somewhere else that you can just jump into a podcast or vice versa. Yeah, like Kim Kardashian had a Spotify podcast and they cut it. Obama had one and they cut that. Yeah.

That's crazy. Obama and Michelle. So you still got to be interesting, which is fun. You can be the most famous person on the planet, but if you're not that interesting, why am I listening? And you can't really hire people to make you funny. You got that right. You have to be interesting and funny off the cuff. A lot of uninteresting people's pods blow the fuck up, though.

Yeah, but it's usually because it has a gimmick, right? Maybe it's a gimmick, yeah. Like, oh, look, this is everyone we fucked. I was thinking the same thing. Right. I mean, that's a hook for sure. That's a great hook. I want to know more about that. Yeah, especially when I know the guy that got fucked. Yeah, that's true. You got to have a hook.

I mean, look at it like Call Her Daddy or whatever. I think that's the number two pot in the world. Yeah. Or in the country. I still have no idea what that is. I don't either. But it's girls talking about fucking, and there's nowhere for women to hear that shit. So I think women are like, oh, great. Finally, I like to fuck. This woman's talking about fucking. This is relatable. Finally, two women that'll... Yeah, but Oprah's not talking about getting...

You know what works is men talking like women it works and women talking like men works. Interesting. Like if a woman is like I fuck everybody I love to fuck and then I throw them out of the bed that's a hit. That's a hit. If a guy is like I love soap operas and I like being with the girls that's a hit. Yeah I guess because it's new. I think that's why we're not a hit.

You don't feel like this? No, we're just going over. We're just men being men. Yeah, that's out. Salacuse looks more Asian every day, by the way. Asian? Yeah, he sent a photo. He's like, he looks, look at him. Yeah. Which doesn't help when he's giggling. Look at that. And he's always holding a camera. Are you Asian? Tiny dick. Are you Asian? What's up with him? Because I feel like no one is acknowledging this guy. Our producer, Matt Peters. He's our JMO.

Okay, he seems like doing background checks or something. No, no, he booked you. Oh, okay. Are you who I was texting with? Oh, here it is. Look at that. He looks like, you know. Fujimoto? Yeah. Yeah. It's the mustache and the squint. Yeah, the squint. Now the glasses make you look like you're wearing a disguise. Ha ha ha.

You look like Noriyuki Pat Morita here. Yes, yes. I get finance more, but it's more about the gay sex than anything else. Don't you guys think Salacus would make a great manager? I came up with this observation last night. He's always getting the check. He wants to confront people. That's true. He takes charge. That's true. I think he'd be the best manager in the business. And I also think there's nothing stopping you. Like a career manager? Yeah, like a comedy manager. And I bet you'd work cheap. Yep.

But don't you got to have connections? Oh, I thought that was a zing. He's got connections. I mean, how hard is it to just get an email? Just email, hey, my guy's coming on. Yeah, but they have to see you as that. But if you just got a roster, if you signed us for...

Now he's in business. And it's all attitude. You put you at a desk with a cigar and your feet up there with a landline. Yeah. You're in. I've got the look. You got the look. Yeah. This is a terrible pitch. All you need is an old phone and you'll be on Hollywood. Exactly. How much does a manager really do? Not much. That's a great question. He doesn't even have one. Yeah, that's the point. I don't think you should have a manager. That's why you need salaries. Yeah.

You're going nowhere fast. Not this man. He can take you to the top. I haven't been around Joe List that many times, but this is the first time I've ever seen you with all this positivity and encouragement. I did a Tonight Show last night. I'm on top of the world. Yeah, that's going to be the Tonight Show. You got to do it. You're in the dumps. All right, I might fucking do it. Yeah. This guy's been in New York one day. He wants to kill himself. That's what this shit he does to you. Well, you know what I realized? It's horrible. I don't like New York.

but I liked it. I don't like it. I think that's the whole, that's this whole vibe is the city hates you. Yes. It's trying to spit you out. Right. It's indifferent to you. It like, it's like survive or don't or whatever, or die right there. It'll smell the same. Yeah. It just took me an hour to get here.

I was at Feehan's. She was like, I'll get you a car. It was raining. I'm like, I'll take a car and just gridlock traffic. I finally got out. It was like a John Cusack movie. I was just running here in the rain. You can't get to Times Square in a car. No, it was a big fuck up. And then people talk to you like you should have known

the intricate subway code like oh you could have just hopped in the L and then hopped over to the red and then waited up on 14th street and you would why'd you drive like what the fuck I don't know that also who turns down a car you give me a free car I'll take it that's what I said she's like do you want a car I'm like yeah I want a car yeah you think

door to door. Hey, this will be easy. And it's pouring. It's intimidating. It feels like I would never figure it out. But Austin, you Austin folk, I don't know how long you've been in Austin for, but... A little over, like, almost two years. No, a little over a year, a year and a half, something like that. Last time I was in the green room at Mothership, there was a full conversation about how all the Austin people, there's no traffic here. There's no traffic. That's just something they say. Everyone's got cigarettes. I'm like, there's traffic. I was just in the traffic. You know, there is traffic. Of course there's traffic. But it's very...

For the comics, there's no traffic because it stops at like 6 p.m. Oh. I don't know about that. It's very minuscule traffic, unless it's like the weekend. Your argument with Rogan is great about, you're like, the homeless is crazy here. And he's like, it's not crazy. But you're like, you show up in an armored car with six- And you go in the back alley with the SEAL Team 6. Yeah, then you walk right in the door. Oh, the homeless, I hate it.

i laugh at those people that complain about the homeless people in austin it's well you're gonna think i'm a riot because it's not it's not as bad as los angeles or here because because you know it's worse there than here that's true it's worse there in austin no no oh no i think it's worse the only reason you think that is because the mothership is literally like in the heart of

It's a block away from where the homeless center is. So that's where they all, but they're all in that area. Every downtown in the country has a crazy homeless. Salt Lake City. I was there last weekend, dude. It's like, you're like, this is like dawn of the fucking dead. This is terrifying. Oh yeah. I ran, I ran in Salt Lake City. One of the two places I've had to run there in Austin. Like you ran from homeless people. Yeah. I ran for office. I lost. So if you go anywhere else in the city, you don't see homeless people. In Austin. Yeah, that's true.

If you literally go to where they are. That's not true. I mean, they're the worst there for sure. But you can see them on 4th Street, 5th Street, 6th Street, 7th Street. But South Congress, you'll bump into some too. Right. But if you leave downtown. Yeah, I guess so. But if you leave, if you go to Astoria, there's not homeless people everywhere. Well, didn't you see a crackhead the other day? I did see a man smoking crack at 1130 a.m. He might have had a home though.

That's true. He was pacing back and forth smoking crack at 1130 a.m. I walked by with my child and wife and I was like, well, the writing is on the wall. So here's the other side of that. 90% of the stuff that happens is not them. The homeless people just remind, they like make you feel something that you don't want to feel. Right, right. But most of the violence and robberies and all that shit is all just the drunk people. Yeah, that's Mark. The homeless people are, I mean, they may make you uncomfortable, but they've never done anything to anyone that I know or me.

it's always the drunk motherfuckers that's walking up and down 6th Street. Well, he got accosted. Really? Oh, yeah, I had two guys get in my face. Yeah, this is during COVID. I've told this story so many places, so I don't want to... In Austin? In Austin, yeah. But this was during COVID when it was really bad. And I was like, I'll just stroll down there. Because for most of my life, I was like, I'm in the city, I'll go walk. And these two guys got in my face, started screaming at me. Then there was a third guy on a bike behind me. And I went, all right, I'm sorry, I'm lost. Well, he carries a fucking switchblade on him, which you're never going to use. You're never going to use that shit, dude.

You'll never... You're a great manager. Put the fucking weapon on the table. It's not a quality knife. Oh! You call that a knife? What's the problem? You know knives? I just... Just watching Godfather 2 yesterday, that scene where De Niro just fucking gets him right in the head. That scene's so badass. This is for you. No, it's locked. It's got a lock. No.

Be careful with it. It's hard to close. Oh, my God. Well, no, I see this mechanism here, but I'm saying if you really stab something with this, this might close up. Something? You've been hanging out with Rogan too long. Knife usage. No.

You're not going to stab a person. No? No, no. It's just sort of like a threat to be like, stay away. Until they bring out another knife and now you're in a fucking knife fight. Or they take your knife. Oh, jeez. That's why I also carry pepper spray in the other hand. Whoa. So if you're going to beat me, you better have a gun because you're not going to...

Beat pepper spray plus knife. I feel you on that. There you go. This is a challenge. Somebody's going to come up to him on the street and just blow your face off. Matt and I went out to shoot photos one time in the street, and I'm like, I can't. I'll take photos of buildings. I can't shoot people in the street. That's insane. He's like, it's not a problem. I've never had one problem ever my whole life. And he goes, now take this. And he just hands me a can of fucking pepper spray. I'm like, well, what is this then?

How can both these things be true? I need pepper spray and it's not a problem. Right. Are you allowed to have a taser in New York? Oh, yeah. No. No, New York's crazy. You're not allowed to order the pepper spray online, but you're allowed to have it. Really? Yeah, it's a weird law in New York. You can't buy it online. No, you can't. You have to order it to another state like Pennsylvania or Connecticut or something. It's like in Sweden, you can't be a prostitute, but you can fuck one.

So you're like, well, how does that work? I don't know. A son of a pussy is illegal? Yeah, but if you fuck a prostitute, it's not illegal for you.

Huh? Yeah, give it a goog. What about stabbing them? That's fine. He'll be fine in Sweden. Yeah You guys see poor things. I hear it's great. I loved it. I heard it's a great movie It's a lot of boob, right? It's full-on Emma Stone getting railed. It's really wild. Full bush, tits, the whole thing. Really? Yeah, it's really something else. Yeah, everyone loves this. Simon Rex just texted me he fucking loves this movie. Is there a robot in it? It's great. No, no.

She's kind of wonky, right? Yeah. I saw a trailer. She's a little kooky. But wonky does not equal robot. It's like female Frankenstein kind of, right? Yes. Basically, yeah, there's like a Frankenstein-y guy, Willem Dafoe, and he finds this woman, and she jumps off a building. She's pregnant. She's depressed. Isn't that Billie Eilish? That's Emma Stone. Oh.

Oh, there it is. I told you. Damn. Anyways, he takes the baby's brain. He puts it in the mother's body and hijinks ensues. Carmichael's in it and Yami, who's amazing in it. Really? Fantastic. So he's banging his baby in his wife's body?

No, no, no, no. He didn't know this woman. And they're not banging. It's the guy who did The Favorite. Yes. Oh, that was a great one. That was good. The Favorite and Killing of a Sacred Deer, which is amazing. And Dogtooth is my favorite. Rami's really great. Yeah, he's a talent. And Gerard Carmichael's in it also. Did we already say that? Yeah, yeah. I heard everybody does an accent, but Gerard just talks like Gerard. I think he does kind of an accent. All right.

Yeah. Is it a British accent? Like an old-timey... Yeah, it's all British. Do we have any videos this week, Peters? Or stories? Pull them up. I don't know. What do we got? You teased me with that Emma Stone thing. This was disproven. This is not true? Yeah, they said that's bullshit. Who said that's bullshit? What is it? It says Wendy's to roll out Uber-style surge pricing. So like...

During the rush hour, they'll charge you more for a Wendy's burger. But Mark said it's not true? That's what Mark's saying. Wendy's tweeted, like, that's bullshit. Don't listen to the internet. Burgers are still the same. All right. Problem solved. I hate to, you know, not yes and yeah, but I just... I heard it was not true. That's like, you know...

Yeah, what's it called? Ben's Pizzeria did that during the hurricane and it got a lot of shit. There you go. The lights were out. They were charging like 60 a pie. You can't have peak pie, you know? Yeah, peak pie. Also because there's other pie. There wasn't because a lot of places were closed. They knew what they were doing. They were gouging. Cunts. I mean, that just goes to show you, Uber surging is fucking bullshit, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, they're doing it.

You know what pisses me off about Uber? They go, hey, your Uber will be here in eight minutes. And you go, all right, eight minutes. And then if you really look at the clock, you're like, all right, it's 7.50 now. It'll be here in eight minutes. It'll be here at 7.58. But it really gets there at 8.04. And then you're like, well, if I was late, you would leave. But you could be late. Sometimes they tell you it'll be there in a minute. And then when you order it, it goes, actually, it'll be there. Yes, yes. And they can cancel, but you can't cancel. Yes. Yes.

And the women don't pick up the check. You got that right. So here's a little news story. What's the story? It's coming to us from the UK, I believe. It says, a man's overindulgence in Tinder leads him to therapy. One individual's experience illustrates the concern a British man's dependence on Tinder. What's the story?

marked by daily swiping through hundreds of profiles prompts him to seek professional help, highlighting the potential drawbacks of excessive access. I got a friend who's hooked on Tinder, and he's spending a fortune because you run out of swipes, and if you pay more money, they'll give you more swipes. Oh. And he's hooked.

He can't stop swiping. And he's lost his whole paycheck on Tinder. Everything's addictive now, dude. Sports gambling, just on your phone. You used to have to have a bookie. It used to not be a thing. Here's another one they have. It's not legal in New York yet, but I was in Pennsylvania. You can do a casino. You can put real money to play blackjack on your fucking phone. How many people are going to go broke from this? Oh, yeah, they already are. I mean...

The threshold of having to drive to a casino is enough for me not to go to a fucking casino. Yes. Same with a bookie. You got to deal with a middleman. But if you're addicted to gambling and you have poker, I mean, I guess you could always do poker, right? But blackjack, the whole casino. Yeah, you're fucked. You're fucked. It's the same with porn. It's just right there. You just have to go get porn. Yeah, but porn, you're not losing shit the way, like this is your, porn's not connected to your bank account. What have we found a way to come under to? That's true.

A what? A porn app with a gambling app. Now you're thinking. What positions are they going to do? I'll bet on that. I always bet on black, by the way. That's not a position.

Here's another story. Seattle Comedy Club cancels four comedians for progressive values. That's like a couple months old. No, this happened recently. Two weeks, three weeks. We know the comedians. We know Kurt Metzger and Jim and Lewis is crazy. Dave Smith. Dave Smith too? The owners went on the seller pod. Oh, wow. And I listened. Did you listen? I haven't listened. It's a good listen because Noam really, you know, he's such a smart guy, the owner of the comedy cellar.

and he made some great points. They admitted they wouldn't have Richard Pryor. So he's like, by your guidelines, you wouldn't be allowed to have Richard Pryor. And they were like, yeah, I guess we wouldn't have Pryor. What are the guidelines? You know, no hate, no sexism, no slurs. They would book Cosby, weirdly. Yeah, that's true. They would. It's a good point. But how is that going to be funny?

That place is going to go out of business. Yeah, for sure. Maybe. But it's weird because last time I was in Seattle, man, I had a great fucking time. The crowd was amazing. But it's almost as if these people think that they can control...

Everyone wants to do their club and they're just excluding these four people. But I'm not going to do their club. Yeah, never. No. But I think they're like a wokey club. That's like their thing. Yeah. They're like, we're the whatever... Capitol Hill. Yeah. But even the woke audiences don't want...

But it's the audience that pushed back, I think. Because these guys, I listen to the pod, they're new. They're like, we don't know what we're doing. We didn't know who Kurt Metzger was. I saw he was on Chelsea lately, so I booked him. You're like, oh, wow, you are clueless. But then all the community piped up and then said, you shouldn't have these people. And then Noam's great point was, those people aren't going to go see Dave Smith anyway. So now you're booking based on people who won't even be at that show. Right. They're not going to be in the room.

And they're dictating how you book it. They're not even going anyway. And that's, look, if you run a business, this is your right. But it's also everyone's right to be like, you're fucking idiots. This is a terrible way to run a business. Yeah. Especially for comedy where different voices, like book them and then book some fucking woke person. But I also think if you're not in that world of pushback, the first time you get it, it's jarring.

So if you're just running a club and you book the people and all of a sudden you go, bring in Luis J. Gomez. He's funny. He seems nice. And then all of a sudden, 15 people email and go, he's a Nazi. You go, oh, geez, I don't want a Nazi. Get out of here. Right. Because they're not. I remember I was at what's the place that was big? It's still there at Brooklyn on the rooftop.

Oh. Cupboard. Tiny cupboard. We went there. So tiny cupboard is a room here in New York, in Brooklyn. Still going. During the pandemic, that fucking... It was kind of a beautiful view with that train right there. Yeah. Not good for the show. Ah, killed the punchline. Well, it became this big space because it was outdoors and it's Brooklyn, so it's kind of...

And I don't want to fucking sound... It's like a wokey room, whatever term that doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but it's, you know, hipstery people. And then they booked... Aaron Berg. Aaron Berg, but and Gino Bisconti. Right. And Sarah was on the show, and Sarah's like, I'm doing a show. The lineup's crazy. Aaron Berg and Gino Bisconti. And I was like, Gino Bisconti in Bushwick...

Let me get my bag and pack up. And I was like, I got to see this. Gino, if you don't know, Gino is extremely irreverent, let's say. Yes. And as is Aaron. But Gino's like Aaron times 50. Which is hard to do. So I went and I was in the back of the room. And when it was time for Gino to go on, I literally snuck up into the middle, put on a fake mustache and a wig and sat third row. And 30 seconds in, people were like...

what and because he says the f word you know the the gay f word and he says black this yeah jew this and i mean it just turned into like what the fuck and people screaming and yelling and then we were with the owners broke out yeah and they were like look at this email we gotta shut down and they were like shaking like we'll never have them back oh my god and i was trying to explain like

Yeah, like definitely don't have him back because he doesn't fit here. But also this person that wrote this email is also a lunatic. Don't worry about them. They wrote an email this long within 30 seconds. We're going to call the Better Business Bureau and the police and burn your place down. It's a mass shooting at the fucking... Yeah. Well, you're like, okay, yeah. So don't have Gene again. You learned your lesson. But also don't let these people...

crazy people. Yeah. They just heard a comic they didn't like. That's all. But you're right. They get all nervous and they freak out. Well, they think, oh my God, now I'm going to be a Nazi because that's the society we're living in now adjacent to Nazi is Nazi. But even though you were just walking by a Nazi rally and you're like, I didn't know they were going to be here. But here's the twist.

now this club is getting death threats you know we're gonna murder you sig heil they're saying all this crazy shit on voicemail and all that so they think oh we did the right thing yeah but it every both sides will attack you either that or like we should have booked the nazi yeah they sell i have a draw six million people i love that they think like there's a puerto rican nazi yeah or jew yeah you know dave smith but imagine getting booked there and like

And you're not famous enough for someone to complain ahead of time, but you're walking on eggshells while you're on stage. Or there's some fucking super empowered weirdo that's recording what you're saying. Yeah, that's no good. It's just anti-comedy. The whole thing is anti-comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The way I see it is if you don't like it, don't go. If you don't like The Sopranos, don't watch it. Don't go on every podcast and say you don't like The Sopranos. I never bring it up.

Even right now, you're bringing it up. I'm just joking. What are these crazy... I'm just busting balls. You gave him the Italian point on that, too. Enough of this Asian Nazi. This guy's incredible.

Dude, it really is. I mean, we've all heard stories on the road where you're like, oh, this guy did this last week. And you're like, okay, well, that's rare when a guy does something insane usually at a club. When you buy a ticket to someone you don't know, you are taking a chance, but you might be finding someone you love also. Yeah, yeah. You might be finding someone who fucking does something insane. You got to be pretty terrible for the staff to talk shit about you to the next guy.

Yeah. You know Louis CK's story at the Comedy Cafe in Milwaukee? You ever hear him tell that story? I haven't. He's doing the... This is... I played that room, though, of course. Yeah, me too. Best condo ever. It was a nice condo. This is like 30 years ago, or whatever it was, 25 years ago, I guess. And Louis was there. It was before Louis blew up, but he was starting to sell some tickets, but hadn't blown up yet, and the room's half full. And the guy saw this family coming in that comes often, and they're always there, and

And they're like, you know, with their grandparents and their 18-year-old kid. And they're like dressed and like, oh, we're going to go see some comedy. And they said, did you look up who you're seeing? Do you know anything about them? They're like, no, no, we just love comedy. Every time we come, we see a good show. And the guy was like, don't come. Really? He's like, we got a restaurant upstairs. I'm going to give you your money back for this. I'm going to get dinner on me. And I'll give you free tickets for this show. We got, I don't know who fucking...

Brian Regan coming in. Yeah, yeah. But you're not going to have a good time. You're not going to love it. Go have dinner on me, and we'll come back next weekend. We got whoever coming in. And they were like, oh, okay. That's a good owner. And because the owner saw, he's like, you're not going to like this. I know you guys. I know my audience. I know who you are. And this guy's going to talk about...

jerking off his kid's face or whatever and just don't come in here because then I'm going to lose fans. I'm going to lose paying audience for the rest of my life because I'm going to go and never come back here again. One of the best ones I heard was Appleton, Wisconsin. Doug Stanhope and all his openers are just shit-faced and like, you know, doesn't connect with the crowd, whatever. Some woman runs up to him furious, like, like,

fuck, fuck that guy. He was drunk. We need, we deserve a refund. Like he was terrible and he went up to, he overheard her and he goes, they make us drink here. They force us all to drink. And she believed him. She was like, I'm so sorry. I didn't know they treated you that way. That's hilarious. Straight out. It's funny too. Like there's all this Nazi. These comics are Nazi. This is the only time in history where a Nazi has been subjective. Yeah.

it used to be just be kind of like these are Nazis it was a very specific group now Nazi is like this Jew who says retard is a Nazi now it's a guy who doesn't thread the needle well enough on right now it's like now we need like a Nazi breathalyzer yeah yeah yeah yeah

So I got another story here. It's a new TikTok trend has airplane passengers binding their ankles for extra comfort. Huh? What? They're saying it's incredibly dangerous. I don't understand. What is this? People are binding their ankles, like tying their ankles together for comfort. I have the story here if you want to see it. Yeah, you might want to read more than that because it doesn't make any sense. All right, here's a big commercial probably. There it is.

What the hell? This is an ad. Yeah. Ad for nuns?

I'm muting it. Catholicism has ads now? But it's a story about TikTok and it's an ad for TikTok? Come to church now. I guess so. Guess how many views Baby Shark has while we're waiting for this to run. What is that? Take a guess. What's that? Baby Shark. It's a cartoon for kids called Baby Shark. Two dads. That's all the info you need. Take a guess.

It's a cartoon. Four million, you say? What do you say? No, it's got to be more than four. It's got to be more than that. You're bringing it up. I'm saying 120 million. 120 million, you're saying? It's like Gangnam Style numbers. I'm going to say half a billion. Half a billion, you're saying? I'm going to go a billion. How about 16 billion? Wow. Most watched video in the history of YouTube. I don't know what it is. 16 billion. This one's got 148. 148 what? Views.

Well, that's not the one. That's a knockoff. You're really flipping his Google, bitch. No, look at it. Baby Shark. What is it? Oh, there are 87 million views on this one. This is it? No, this is not the right one.

This is not the official channel. No, we're going to get flagged as pedo. I'm telling you. Oh, Baby Shark original. I just saw it. Baby Shark, right there at the top. It says most viewed on YouTube. Well, this is a 16 billion and one. I thought this was going to take one second. This one's got 170 mil. Welcome to the show. I'm telling you. Look up 16 billion. I saw it with my own eyes. I believe it.

Because the kid, they put it on repeat for the children. Yes, exactly. This is like It's Raining Tacos. Remember that shit? Yes. No. It's raining tacos. I know it's raining mess. 87 million. Yeah. Wait, the top one says 14 billion. Oh, I thought it said 140. Yeah, I thought it said 140. 14 billion, you fuck face. You're supposed to be good at this. Jesus Christ. Squint more, would you? 14 billion views. We got to write kid stuff. I know. How hard is it? Well, it's like that Regan bit. The clock goes tick.

I mean, how hard is this? $14 billion. What the fuck? Anyone else hard? How much money are these kids making? I don't know. Oh, they didn't make anything. This is wild. $14 billion. That's more people than are on the earth. This is like the next Zac Efron right here. This is how it starts. Yeah.

Wow. Anyway, sorry. Go back to the story. And it would have been quick if you had read it as $14 billion. $148? The kids aren't even hot or talented. TikTok. Okay. So what's the ankle binding? Boy, what are you doing with this?

Come on. Just read the headline. I did. It made no sense. TikTok trend has airplane passengers binding their ankles for extra comfort. Incredibly dangerous. Oh, so because not enough leg room? Let's put our heads together. What could this mean? Well, why would you bind for comfort? That seems uncomfortable. Maybe to keep your knee, because there's not enough...

wideness room. Now this is the show. We gotta figure, you read the headline and we figure out what the article. That's a program. Now we got a game show. So the article's about nothing? You're catching on. The button is too high.

Alright, well good good thing we have a loading issue here. Hold on. Maybe not a manager, but any career other than this I think would be ideal. Oh, they're binding it with the seatbelt to tie their legs tight so that you're not, you know, manspreading or whatever. Oh, it's comfortable for the person next to you. No, this is a woman. This is women. Your balls need to breathe. Like you can't just squish your balls. Yeah, this is bullshit.

My balls can squish. Really? Yeah. I can sit like this all day. They stack on top of each other and they're just in there. Yeah, but when you cross like this, your balls are being lifted up.

Hold on. Mine tuck underneath. My balls are very long. Yeah, I got one up, one down. So you see, you can see what your knees smash together like that without needing to pull your balls up? Yeah. Well, I think. It's not great. Balls don't feel great. I mean, I'm also not flexible. You don't, yeah. I like my balls squished up. I got long balls as well. Video of a guy sitting on his own balls. This is what happens. This is for comfort plus passengers. Oh, shit.

I think we got a bunk story here. This is no good. What's the next one? Any other stuff?

Oh, the owl. Beloved New York City owl Flaco passes away. Fans mourn his death. Flaco rose to fame after he was spotted on Fifth Avenue's sidewalk the night after he escaped Central Park Zoo. And there's a link. Does Flaco mean something to New York people? Because most deaf's nickname was Pretty Flaco. And there's Waka Flaca. Flaco means skinny in Spanish. Oh, Flaco. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. Man, that's a crazy looking owl. How did he die?

Well, I do know that hawks die a lot because they eat rats, and rats have poison in their system. Probably bird flu. But why is Flaco beloved? What's special about Flaco? I think he escaped the zoo, and people made him a little hero. So he's a fugitive. It's like Shawshank. He couldn't take life on the outside. And he finally died from eating a rat? I don't know how he died. I just assumed that. He's starting a rumor. He was old. That's a beautiful owl, though. Beauty. Yeah. Can we eat it?

It's dead. Can you eat an owl? I don't know. You can eat a quail. I don't think you can eat anything. I've never seen anybody serving it. Yeah, I haven't either. That's a lot of meat. Look at that gut. It's fucking owl wings. I should serve it at Hooters. Hey. Hi, folks. It's mostly feathers, though, I bet. I bet it's not that big under it. All right. Let's look it up for owl recipes. He's looking up owl recipes. Now you're talking. Look at that neck. It spins all the way around. I bet there's a lot of good meat in there. Good looking bird. Beautiful. They have extra bone in their neck.

Damn, there's 16 recipes on Pinterest. Yeah? What kind of sauce are we talking with an owl? That was the least black thing you've ever said.

It's asking me to enter my birthday. Oh, careful. That's when the big owl will get you. That's a trickle. Tricky. Any videos or no videos? No videos? All right. Cold trickle. Some good news, though. Who pulled some good news? What are you kidding? The binded knees and the... I was just trying to be positive. You did a terrible job, man. Oh, the owl is weak. I might start drinking again. The owl.

I saw an owl in Tacoma. I was out there. I told you, I might move out there. I walked into the park. Tacoma? Yeah. Oh, we're talking about shady downtowns. That one's a fucking... He's got you there. Well, downtown Tacoma's tough, but I would move to Gig Harbor. But I'm changing my mind now. It's a little far from show business. Yeah. But we saw an owl, and I'm walking around. It's like a Tuesday afternoon. What do you do when you're bored in the daytime? You got some time off, an hour? What do you do? You walk around? Walk, yeah. In Manhattan? Walk, movie, restaurant. Dog shit. Dog shit.

I went for a walk in King Harbor. An owl flew right over my head. You couldn't even hear it. You just felt it. It was like a spirit. Yeah, they're quiet. They're going to be living there. They're going to catch mice. I think we should all move to the country. No. No. Live together. Him moving to Brooklyn upsets me. It's a big mistake. Well, he's in Queens.

McQueen. But don't you see? I was in Brooklyn the other day. And I sound like fucking Jordan Peterson over here. But I'm walking through Brooklyn. I was in Williamsburg. And everyone's like, actually, no, it's not called that. You're moving to the heart of everything you particularly hate. I know. I know. This is your number one talking point. That's more like Williamsburg Greenpoint, though. And you're going to be in there. You're in a more commercial area in Brooklyn. And more residential. It's very black. It's very family. Which is...

Those are all things you hate. That's what I'm saying. Actually, yeah, that is fucking awful. Yeah, it's that stuff. It's going to be like, excuse me, we don't have trash. We have whatever. I hate that rhythm. And everybody's going to have the things and the whatever. It's going to be wacky, skinny pants. Everyone's going to have pants. What's worse than the gay accent delivering bad news? You have AIDS? So sorry. We don't have any more of that.

Yeah. They don't have oatmeal. They don't sound sorry. They're right. They sound like they're happy to be telling you. That's true. Oh, you're going to die. Oh, you're going to hate me. I raped your child. Oh, my God. Oh, I feel terrible. That's a bad restaurant. Especially with the pet name in there. Oh, boo-boo. Sorry, sweetie. I'd love to be called boo-boo.

I got more. Oh, sorry. I got more hot owl news. Oh, bring it on. Jesus Christ. So this is a bird flying and what it sounds like versus an owl. All right, pretty flappy. No, I just had an owl buzz my head the other day. It made me think of this. Listen to the owl. It's Kenza's turn. That was incredible. Kenza. Shh. Kenza Cunningham.

This is bad for radio because you're not hearing anything. That's incredible. That's what I felt. I felt it. And all of a sudden, my hair has moved. Yes. And I looked up and it was just right over our head. It was wild. How is that possible? They have the feathers that make them more silent. They've evolved. You see those basketballs that don't make any noise? It's going to say the N-word. The plastic ones? The decibel waveform shows sound being generated by the birds in flight.

It's all dusty. Each spike is an individual wing beat. Jesus Christ. We just lost all our listeners. God damn it. Oh, fuck. God damn. Mindful metal. I feel like this is like what the BTK serial killer watched. Are you working on any bits, Joe? New bits?

We burned a couple bits before you got here. So if you guys got anything or if you got a peeve. I said if you have to pee. I'm working on a bit about women not apologizing. Oh, all right. Yeah. Oh, nice. Oh, actually, no. I'm working on a new bit about titties.

Please. Please. Do you want me to just do the bitch? Sure. We'll workshop it. It's ridiculous that we live in a place where on one end titties are regulated, like you have to be 18 to see them. Right? It's not a good indicator. It's not a good defense mechanism to keep people from. But every website, every porn site goes, are you 18? Hmm.

You don't have to pass a test. Click on every picture with a titty on it. It's honor code. So if you followed all the rules, theoretically, you could get drafted and die in a war before you ever saw a legal titty. But on the other end of the spectrum is the YY West. You come out of your mom's pussy, your whole world is titties. And there's no laws on when you have to stop.

No, there's no law. Your mom can breastfeed you until your 30s. Yeah, I guess that's true. So you could be a little kid that's like a genius, and you get into Harvard at 13, and you're having a hard time, and your mom could swoop by, pop out of the city, make everyone uncomfortable. No one can call the police. She could pop out of the city to soothe you. But if you filmed it and put it online, he's not allowed to watch it.

That's fun. That's good. Yeah, or something like that. That's all it is so far. My only pushback is I think a breast milk stops producing. No, no, no. As long as you don't stop breastfeeding it, it keeps... Is that right? Yeah. What? Damn. They used to have fucking like, you know... So what's the oldest you can breastfeed? Infinite. If I cry around my mother, milk just shoots out. I mean, I don't know what the record is.

Let's look up the record. Isn't that what a wet nurse is? Like somebody that never stops breastfeeding so they can breastfeed your kids. Yes. What? Is that what it is? In slavery days, they had black women feeding the white children because it was undignified for the white woman to do it. Really? It was called a wet nurse. That was fucked up, Matt. I thought you just turned on. Not cool. Yes. And I think theoretically it could go forever.

It's no laws to say you have to stop breastfeeding. I feel like this is the meat of the bit. The titty milk. Yeah, the titty milk. It's infinite. It would be nice if we could produce something. What do you think it is? Yeah, but a baby can't eat jizz. I mean, it can eat jizz, but I don't think it's good for it. It is jizz. I'm going to keep trying. I think there have been men that have produced breast milk, though. Is that right? Really? I mean, there must be at this point. Oh, at this point. Yeah. Yeah.

Good point. Three oldest known breastfed children. I got one here. Still look at the third one there. Charlotte Spink. Can I say that? Miam Bialik. Isn't that the Blossom Woman? Yes, that is. She was on Jeopardy. Yo, 10 years old is wow. Whoa.

Four years old isn't that crazy. Ten years old is pretty old. Yeah, four is nuts. I mean, listen, all of these are nuts. I bet they're healthy as shit, though, because breast milk is the most nutrient-enriched liquid on the planet. I mean, they might be physically healthy, but they're not. Mentally? Oh, of course. You're not supposed to be aware of your mother's titties. You're supposed to stop dealing with your mom's titties right when you start remembering stuff. Yeah, you're not supposed to be able to kind of read. Yeah.

and be able to suck your mom's tits. You should be able to draw your mother's titties from memory. Right, right, right. A police sketch artist. Tell me how the titty looked. With a woman, she's like, is that the best tit you ever sucked on? You're like, actually. Also, I think they get pretty gnarled up, those nips. They do. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've hooked up with some divorcees on the road and like, holy shit. Really? Yeah, it's like a fucking balloon got fucking tied up, you know? We switched to formula and I've never been happier in my life. Gnarled is the cringiest word. They used to shit on formula. Neslie got a ton of shit back in the day pushing formula. Well, breast milk is healthier. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, because it's got the

biome and this shit. Yeah, you can't beat it. But still, this is, this is wild. 10 years old? That's great. Well, that's the UK. They're weird over there. And talk about gnarled teeth. I'm right here. Everything. I'm a parent. I should, I should, I'm trying to do the, the UK accent that I hate. Let's hear it. I'm, I'm, hello. I just fucked it up. Righto, governor. No, no, no, not that one. No, that's not UK. That's not UK? That's Australia. Oh. No.

I should be able to suck any tea I want. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's like London-y. That's like London-specific has no tea. Right. Tea-y.

No, oh, take. Yeah. Like a Russell Brand, like London particularly is like. Beantown kind of absorbed that. Well, the Boston accent and the British accent are the same accent, essentially. Bathroom. Oh, yeah. A little more Irish in there. Yeah. It's just a little harsher in Boston. A little more blue collar. You say harsh in British, in Britain. Park the car. You say the car. I parked the car. Right. And then you park the car. But do they understand y'all?

What? I don't understand that. I don't understand you. No. I think it's an owl. I'm saying, like, because I have to put on subtitles when I'm watching British shit. Yeah, me too, actually. Even though they're speaking English. But they seem to understand. That's perfectly fine. Oh, Lock, Talk, and Two Smoking Barrels. You need those subtitles. Yeah, yeah. Some of those are tough. Guy Ritchie. Yeah. The Cockney accent. Do Boston people understand British people pretty...

I think I do pretty well, but I mean, that's a particularly outrageous accent they're doing. But British people in general, I can understand. Yeah, yeah. I think they understand us because they're absorbing our shit early. Movies and TV and all that. I feel like the record has to be higher than 10 years old. I thought so, too. I don't know how good you are at Googling over there. Oh, he got you there, Asian. Well, he's a manager. What do you want? He doesn't know anything about Googling. Oh.

Busy looking up owl recipes I do have one Better knives I have a new bit that's kind of a story But it's a bit I've been doing on stage But it's quick So that Sarah's father died a few years ago They're from Texas So we all went down to Texas to be with her mother And then my mother sent a fruit basket to her mother And then like three days later the fruit basket was sitting there So Sarah was like, my wife was like Mom, why don't you open the fruit basket And then her mother goes Oh no, that's for Joe His mother sent it

Like, Sarah's mother thought my mother sent me fruit. Like, when I travel, she's just like, my son is in Austin. Just give him his fruit. And I'm like, you thought you were going to open that? And I was going to be like, hey, bitch, put down the grapes. Those are mine. I know your husband just died. Yeah, yeah. That does okay. That's funny. That needs more. I want to connect it to, like, that's why my wife is so, has such low self-esteem, whatever.

Right. It's a true story. Like her mother legitimately thought my mother sent me fruit, which is insane. You buy your wife panties and she assumes you bought them for you.

Well, that's true. I'm spitballing here. What else you could send, I'm thinking. Yeah, but it's funny because it's in that, you know, it's well packaged with the basket and the bullshit in there, probably some chocolates. And her husband died. Everyone's sending her stuff. And then the day, three days after her husband dies, a giant fruit basket with a card arrives. And she's like, that must be for Joe. That's great. She didn't open them. Now the fruit's expired, too. Thanks. Hey, here we go. Sounds like John Wick 5. Yeah.

give me back my son after his wife died a puppy arrived oh I didn't know that they killed the dog got it got it oh yeah it was all about the dead dog right

That's why he's getting- The first one, yeah. Well, I mean, it was mostly about the dead wife. Oh. But then the dog. He was like living vacuum. The dog was like the representation of the life. Got it. You know, because he only had the dog for a couple weeks. He was a bitch. And the car. Right. They fucked his car. That first John Wick was fun as hell. It was unbelievable. The last one was pretty cool, too. I haven't seen the last- I think I saw parts of the last one on TV. The action's insane. But Keanu Reeves wasn't the best part of the movie. Who was? Oh.

Danny Yo? I don't know. The Galic, you must know him. Asian guy. Or maybe it was Danny Yao? Syracuse? Probably a Yao. Donnie Yen? Yeah. Donnie Yen. Donnie Yen. That's like Joey Money. That's a cool name. Yeah, right?

- Yeah, right? - Right? - Yeah, and it's like, what the fuck? - Donnie Munn? - Cash. - You know what I just watched for the first time ever and never seen it? Shout out Dina and Ron on egging me to see it, but "Oldboy," the original. - Oh, man, that's a-- - Did you see the Spike Lee one before you saw the original? - No. - Oh, good, don't bother. - Yeah, I heard something. - The original "Oldboy" is incredible. - It was really cool. - Very violent. - Oh my God, beautiful music, too. - It's not that violent, honestly. - It's pretty fucking violent. - You can hold it in your hand. - Yeah, it's fucking very violent. - Yeah, you think so? - Yes. - It kills like 9,000 people.

It's pretty fucking violent, I thought. Have you seen Squid Game? It's a rom-com. Because he doesn't really hardly kill anybody. The last scene's all murder. The whole thing, the last scene, he's just like mowing people down with a samurai sword. Am I nuts? No, you're right. You're running the money.

Mind if I think about a boy? No, he's not mowing. What? No, there's some... What am I thinking? There's a tongue thing that's pretty fucked up. There's teeth getting yanked out. Yeah, yeah. The last scene is him getting his tongue. Oh, maybe. I think there's something else then. Asian guy killing the shit out of all the henchmen. Yeah, that was this. Okay. You came home alone? I saw it.

This paint can's swinging down. Should we maybe bleep the part where I say about the tongue just because I don't want to give spoilers if you haven't seen that movie. That movie's 20 years old. All right, so I hadn't seen it until now. Sometimes you're late on a movie. You also mentioned Godfather. Should we edit that out? That's true. Fuck it. Old Boy's literally a movie that could not have

that you couldn't make it like if it didn't exist and you just made it here it wouldn't well it's got everything about it it's like shocking it's like the ending shocking yeah fucked up reasons it's violent as shit it's a mind fuck it's kind of I mean it's my type of movie you're not even really sure who's the bad guy right I mean it really is so

Sorry. That was fucking perfect. Yeah, look at that. Who's who? That's what I'm talking about. Okay, no sword. No sword. It's got a hammer. It's got a hammer. This is in the beginning of the movie, and this is the only scene like this. Oh, I thought the end was like this, too. The end's pretty fucking violent. The end is violent, but it's, you know. Have you seen Battle Royale? No, I heard that's good. Oh, man, that's a great one. Tarantino loves that one. Yeah, yeah, talk about violent.

Basically a bunch of guys on an island. They have to fight to not, you know, die. Fun. Is this Japanese, Chinese, Korean? Because I think the Koreans... The Koreans have the dark shit. They're the best artists of Asia. Yeah, South Korea rules.

I don't think they're the best at everything. Korean? No. Basketball? Oh, well, okay. Of Asia. Oh, of Asia. Nope. The Chinese still got them beat back. Well, they have the population. And the balloons. Japanese got baseball.

Yeah, that's us. But South Korea is very good at baseball now, too. They get a lot of baseball. Yeah. Satsui, what was that guy's name? Hideki Matsui. Matsui. Ichiro Suzuki. Oh, they're not very good at winning wars. Ooh. They did all right until 1945. They held their own for a good couple hundred years. Yeah, Japan kicked some ass. They're kind of 50-50. They're kind of split. Give them hell, Harry. It's still overtime. One of the best Colin Quinn jokes. Give them hell, Harry. Remember that one?

It was about Harry Truman. His nickname was Give Him Hell Harry. It was like a sarcastic because he was so weak. Who is this person? Are you kidding? That's Sam's dad. I recognize this person, but why is this person? Are you serious? Richard Lewis.

You got to get out of Austin, man. You got to get out of Austin. Mother's ship green room. You're rotting away in there with no windows. Okay. Richard Lewis. He just passed away. I know the name. I didn't know he died. Curb Your Enthusiasm, stand-up comedian, bunch of Mel Brooks movies. You watch that new Curb? Robin Hood Men in Tights. I'm watching it today. I was on the floor. Robin Hood Men in Tights. Great. The Prince. Yeah, I know I've seen him in a lot of stuff, but I didn't know. He died. Okay, I'm sorry. He's gone now. Is he really your dad? No. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Tequila's good. Actually, his dad is not around. Oh, your dad's dead too? No, he's old as shit. Oh, you just don't fuck with him?

I have a great stepdad. He's who I called dad. But yeah, there's a distant biological thing. What would you do if your dad came around while your stepdad was in the room? What would I do? What would you call him? Bob. You call your biological dad by his first name? That's what I call him when he's around. Hey, Bobby. Oh, so he's around sometimes. His last name is up and down in the water. Oh, okay. Yeah.

That was an early shitty Sam joke. I won't say his name on stage. I'll say it backwards. Bob. Hey, I like that. That's not shitty. That's okay. No, I assume you don't know yours. No, I know my name. Oh, okay. No, but it's what? It was a black joke. Come on. Hey, Kool-Aid. Are you Jewish? No, I wish. Everyone thinks you are, though. I know.

It's holding me back. By the way, you guys did your Netflix half hour the same day. Yes. And I was sitting next to you while he was on stage. Okay, what happened? And Mark does like a four minute like Jewish joke. And you're like, this motherfucker is trying to kill his career. I said that? You did. Yeah, I remember that.

So this motherfucker's trying to get canceled. Oh, okay. It was height of the pandemic. Tensions were high. Did it air? Yeah, it came out with ears. Unlike now when everyone loves us.

Yeah, that's true. Oh, you're Jewish? Yeah. See, that's wild, because you seem more Jewish than him. He's going with the fucking gas testicle. You got to spend some more time with the fellas. No, because all the Jews I know now, they're wearing the bling, you know? Bling? They got the diamond-encrusted stars of David and shit. Oh, yeah. Like, they're bigger now. You got to represent. Apparently, trying not to break a stereotype. It used to feel like a little thing, but now every time I see a Jew with a star of David on there, it's like...

More gaudy. Interesting. You got to let him know. He was Italian. Me? No, John Gotti. John Gotti. All right. Okay, like me? It's getting to that time. Well, plug some dates, guys. Watch Brian's new special on Netflix the 22nd? The 19th. The 19th of March. What's it called? It's called...

Oh, boy. I thought I was bad at this. Live from the mothership. Live from the mothership. Hey, there you go. And Joe List, I mean, tour dates for both you guys. Brian, where are you going? I got some tour dates here for you. Oh, sweet. Why do I... Okay, I'm not going to complain. West Nyack...

Wise guys. Let's help him out here. All right. You got wise guys. You got it? Hey, wise guys. April 12th. Come on out. April 13th. Wise guys. That's in West Jordan, Utah. Motherfuckers. Tacoma Comedy Club. One of the best clubs. April 26th. April 27th. Shout out Tacoma. That's where I'm moving my future home. Maybe I'll open for you. I'll be out there. Punchline. Very tall ceilings.

June 14th, 15th, Punchline Philly. Best room in Philly. That's...

Not really. My big one, May 2nd, Regent Theater. For God's sakes, you got to come out at the same... I'm in Skid Row at the same time as the fucking Smashing Man of Scalco, Nate Bargatze, I think Seinfeld, Bill Burr, Bill Cosby. They're doing three shows. At the Hollywood Bowl. At the Netflix Fest? Yeah. This is the Netflix Fest. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be there for one day. Regent Theater, May 2nd. And there you go, Pittsburgh. Go to Punch-Up Live for all my dates. Please come. They're not paying for our travel.

Yeah. Buffalo, New York, April. April changed the fucking website while I'm reading it. April 25th to 27th, helium, Buffalo. Yeah. I got nothing. I'm off. Was that Sam? Yeah, I'm off the road for a minute. I'm taping. When this comes out, I will have taped my special, so I'm taking a minute. I'm going to be up there, but I got my family, so I can't come. That's all right. Yeah. I'll be like 12 miles away from you. Ah.

That hurts. I know. I was all excited. I wanted to spread up. Then the family, the pizza. Come out late if you're not doing anything. But I hear you. The baby. That's right. The baby. Life's over. Who's opening? Gary. Oh, I'll come up then. Well, I'm definitely drunk. It's not a question. Yeah, good for you. You might be drunk. We'll get you a car. No, no, no. No sense. No, no. No, it's no problem. So Mark will be in El Paso on March 22nd and 23rd. Albuquerque.

March 29th, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, all over the road, Chattanooga, Syracuse on April 12th, Buffalo April 13th,

And then Minneapolis on the 19th. We've got two shows there in the State Theater. Very nice. And not to get weird, but we're doing a Live Tuesdays at the Comedy Store during the Netflix Fest. Yes. You are? Sunday, May 5th. Live Tuesdays. Yeah. 4 p.m. Nice 4 p.m. show at Cosby Style. Yeah. Do y'all just start on the pod only being on Tuesday? Like, what if you've got to do it? What if you've got to...

We'll do whatever. Well, it'll air on a Tuesday for the people, but the live will be on a Sunday. Could be any day. And we got Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Guys, get a bottle. It's cooking. A lot of good stuff coming with Bodega Cat. Oh, yeah. You guys do whiskey, like W? Oh, I like that. It's pretty good. I'm about to do some flavors. This is not acceptable. Oh, sorry. Is that bad? Are we going to get fucked up? No, I'm kidding. We'll go down to Mark. All right, we love you guys. Thanks for listening. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Queef it up. Comedy. And Norman's talking shit the same way.

This woman doesn't.