Ep 168: Fahim Anwar & Sam Tallent
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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. I'm hungover. You're looking fresh. You haven't drank in, what, a week? I drank on Rogan. Oh, okay. And that Richard Jefferson episode set me the fuck back. Woo, he killed a bottle. Because I had an ulcer that I was like, something's wrong.

I don't want to be the party pooper. Sure. We got an NBA player here drinking with us. You got that right. I drank both of us. Oh, yeah. And yeah, and that next morning I was like, fuck, got the endoscopy yesterday. And I was, yeah, goddamn. Wow. This is from the comedy show. You need someone to pick you up. It's like an abortion. Yeah.

We gotta get you home. I got propofol, whatever, the Michael Jackson. Oh, really? They knocked me the fuck out. Whoa. And you have to fight not to make, because they put the thing in your mouth and it's the big tube. Yeah. The big circle. You have to fight not to be like, no dicks in here. You know?

But, yeah, I woke up like, whoa. And I did three sets. You saw me. I did three sets last night because DeVito's running the hour. I wanted to be there to support. Very impressive. So what does an ulcer feel like? Is it burning? It's stinging, kind of. It's just, like, sharp. Really? Like, right upper abdominal. Oh.

Oh, man. That's not silent reflux or acid reflux? It's kind of similar. Okay. Yeah. Because our friend Joe List has silent reflux, and he gets the cobblestone throat. It bubbles up. Oof. Yeah. It's all gross. It's gross. I think of the guy in Dumb and Dumber. My ulcer. Yeah. Yeah, I need my pills. That's a... Ketchup, mustard. Classic. Dude, yeah. I was under, man. It was...

I was fucking out of it. What a wild man. You're under the gun at the hospital in a hospital gown. Oh, yeah. Propofol, Michael Jackson, then you go do sets.

Yeah. Well, you know, I had some coffee. I was fine. Which also, though, like, chill with the coffee. I'm like, I can't wake up with that. I'm on propofol. Oh, yeah, true. I got to wake up. Bet you slept pretty good, though. I was fucking out, dude. It's pretty crazy how hard that knocks you out. You got any more? I could use a nap. Oof. It felt good. Yeah, I bet. There's no sleep better than a...

pill induced. I got a crazy one for you. So did I tell you I lost my laptop? No. I left my laptop on, I went to Dallas. I left my laptop on in the seat. Completely my fault. It was a brain fart. The tray was broken. Yeah. I usually throw it on, try to edit some shit, do some joke writing, whatever. And it was broken. So I was like, I'll just put it in here, read a book, put it in there. Totally forgot it. Oh,

Terrible system. Yep. I call. I realize once I'm in the hotel, I'm like, I left my fucking laptop. Brutal. Damn it. I'm trying to edit jokes. I'm trying to. It's so much harder. I'm doing the notebook, which is great. Yeah. For writing, but it's a little, it's annoying to like shift stuff. Of course. But I call and of course there's a million hoops to go through. Yep. They keep sending it to people who are like, I don't know. Right. And then they go, it takes 14 days to get from the plane to Lost and Found.

I was like, and I said, well, that's a bad system. Yeah, two weeks. You got to be aware that that's bad, though. Like, it's not great. That's a fortnight. I said to the woman on the phone, I could buy a pill that will kill a baby today. Ha ha.

And she was like, I don't know how that helps you. I'm like, it doesn't, but I'm trying to make a point. Yes, yes. That lost and found is a lot of work to do to catch up. Right. You probably get a gun quicker than that, too. Ten days, probably. Ten days. Background check. I would say probably ten, right? Give it a goog. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, and you could be mentally ill and get a gun. You lose your gun. Well, you can't bring your gun to flight, I guess. That's true.

Yeah, they get that security. You don't have a bit like this, do you? I was going to run this by you. Maybe we'll just do it on the pod. I have a joke about... So I started this joke on the pod. It's hitting, but I go, you know, guns, they're like a baby. They're easy to hate, but then you hold one. And you're like... That's great. And you're like, ah, it's kind of cool. I get it. Guns like babies, both annoying on airplanes. Both, if you date someone new, you're like, this could be a problem. Yeah.

Both going to be in a school soon. Oh, that's great. You don't have anything like that. No, no. I had a whole thing about guns are like dicks. If you whip it out, it scares people. Hopefully it's not loaded. Mine saw it off. But this is great. Gun jokes. Something about how they're loud. Yeah, there's a lot here. The silencer on the BB. Yeah, especially on a plane. Yeah. That's good.

Gun, rifle, Uzi. You were just in Boise. Yeah. That's a fucking... Bitch of a flight. Bitch of a flight. Had to go a day early. I hate the day early, you know me. Unless you have two shows and you're like, I'm going early for one show. Yes. The two-show night, you're like, all right, it's a lot to roll the dice on if I land, you know, but... Totally. One show. Brutal, but I got to say, Boise, all the way on the other side of the country. Idaho, they love comedy. They appreciate comedy. It sold out quick. Yeah.

And the crowd was killer. So I had a great time. And Boise's a cute little town. It's clean. It's quiet. It's nice. Yeah. Everyone's friendly there because the dudes are like 6'8". They're like big honkies. They're like Peters. They look like Paul Bunyan. Yeah. Paul, a lot of Patagonia, a lot of L.L. Bean, all that shit. Yeah. It's kind of like a lot of those cities, they all feel like Burlington. Yes. Exactly. The mountains are in the distance. And I'm at a coffee shop. I'm like, so what's the thing with Boise? Because I'm trying to get material for the local joke.

And I'm like, what do you got here? What's the delicacy? What's the motto? Something. And they all go...

Yeah, I don't know. You grew up here, lived here 40 years. I'm like, give me something about the town. They're like, well, we got scenery. We got hiking. And I'm like, go! I mean, New York, it's like pizza, subway, rats, Wall Street. Something's happening, for sure. Something's happening. You can say anything. Migrants beating up cops. I can give you something. Something, yeah. 9-11, Pizzagate, who the hell knows? But yeah, they have nothing. But there it is. It's a cute town.

We always say, Vitor and I always say, you can always tell it's a good coffee shop on the road if it's a trans barista. They're going to make you a good latte. It's like, all right. That's so true. Yeah. A little cool coffee shop if it's got a trans barista always.

I went to one in Boise called District. Me and Andy Haynes had coffee there and wrote some jokes. I can't believe you used to not drink coffee because it's like such an essential part of our lives, you know? It's huge, yeah. I can't live without it. Now when I'm hungover, the first thing I just go right for that coffee and I feel like it helps the hangover like 30%.

We, you know, what we need is a bodega cat coffee. Once we get bodega cat, like really, bodega cat.com, bodega cat whiskey.com. Oh yeah. But, uh, I think like we get similar flavors with like a, a bourbon coffee. It'd be really cool. Love it. That's a great idea. And it's not, uh, illegal or whatever. This has been a fucking nightmare. We'll get it. Guys, keep,

If you can get us distribution help, we're about to dip in our own fucking pockets. And we're trying to beat Dos Oros, those cunts. We had a liquor first. We're going to go storm the Pat McAfee show awkwardly and try to push our hooch. Did they promote on Pat McAfee? Oh, they stumbled on there. It was awkward and weird. Really? Yeah, I mean, it was funny. Bert took his shirt off. They had some...

Some young quarterback, like this hot, cool black guy, and he's like, who the fuck are you? He was trying to hock his energy drink, and it was a funny moment. It's so funny how famous they are in our world. Yeah. And they do arenas, but like, you know, you're a quarterback, you're still like, what? Exactly. That's not my world. I know. He was like 22. He's like, who is this? What do you do? Why is this guy shirtless? He's doing push-ups. Yeah.

That was great. It was like when Howard Stern was at a courtside game and he was mad none of the players recognized him. It's like, well, dude, it's 2024. Right. They were going to recognize you in 98. Yeah, they're like, is that Angelica Houston? Who is that? Cher? Yeah.

Yeah, there you go. I didn't know that meant two bears, I guess. That makes sense. Yeah, that's cool. Vodka's a tougher world. It's a tougher world, yeah. It's more competitive because the top shelf vodkas are like, I mean, Goose ain't going nowhere. K1 ain't going nowhere, right? And I thought him and Tito's were like in cahoots, but I guess he's going against Tito's. We got to figure this out, dude. Yes, we will. We're pushing it, baby. They already got more merch than us. They're killing it.

Our merch is cool, dude. We got good merch. They got cool merch. It looks good. Stop promoting them. We need more help than they do. They're huge. I should have brought it up. There we go. There's some merch. No way. Did you really make We Might Be Drunk shoes? What? Holy shit. Did Trump inspire you? That is hilarious. Who the fuck's wearing these? I don't know. I mean, go buy them immediately. Sure. They're awesome. But our faces are on there. I don't know about that.

That's rough. Although I don't know with a suit that could look kind of cool. That's true. I can't do a high top. I got sensitive ankles. I'm not a big high top guy either. I don't like the constriction. I feel it. I wear them sometimes, but I don't... Even for basketball, they used to tell you you have to wear high tops in the 90s, and now all the players are wearing low tops. I know. Did you pump...

No. I love that rock SNL thing. What was that? The Thanksgiving thing. Just pump it. You don't remember that? I don't remember that. We got to pull that. Pump it big. Hey! Holy shit. Here we go. What's shaking, fatty? What's up? Yeah, sit down. All the way from Los Angeles. Hey. Where were you before this? Soldiers.

Oh, all right. Nice. I just did sodas. Hell yeah. He gives you a pack of cards. What? I didn't get a pack of cards. It's a new thing he does. I swear to God, like, I almost cried because I haven't gotten a pack of cards since I was like 13. Hoops. NBA hoops. Fuck. I love that. What the hell? Soda. What the hell? It's like flowers for men. Honestly, dude, like, I had to take, I went through like a flashback of when I was 13 and shit. Because when's the last time as a grown man you've like, I haven't.

And so, like, the whole ritual of it and shit. Oh, yeah. It was awesome. You never did the comic book cards, did you? No, I never got into that. That was more my speed. A little bit, like Marvel. Yeah. What's the big one to get? Like, Spider-Man rookie card? I don't know. Parker in high school? Yeah. Uncle Joe? What is it? Uncle Ben. That's like getting a coach card, the Uncle Ben card. Yeah. It says, with great power comes great responsibility. You're like, fuck this. I have a million of these. They remade Spider-Man so many times. It's like...

I know. That's why the Spider-Verse one was kind of cool because it was like at least they went a different way for once. Well, let's take a bet. Are there more Spider-Mans or Fast and Furious? Spider-Mans. I'm going to say Furious. Oh. There's 10 Furiouses? There's so many fucking Furiouses. A lot of Furious. I feel like the franchise really hit its stride when they did away with physics. Maybe there are more.

There's so many. When they did away with what? Physics. Because they were like grounded in reality. You know they were having writer's block after number three. Right. Then they're like, okay, what if we don't do physics? I always imagine they had like a physics consultant in the room and then he kept on squashing all the great ideas and they're like, you want to like stand outside? We'll call you when we need you. Physics is real. Tell that to Paul Walker. Oh my God. All right. It is so weird, man. Like dying that way. Yeah.

I know. That's like Luke Scott. What's his name? Mark Hamill really getting his hand cut off. Yeah. That's crazy. I was in the theater. Salvo Cano used to do a thing where they would rent out a theater and have all their Practical Jokers fans watch a movie with them. And they had mics and they would trash the movie. It was so cool. I was like, this is what celebrity is. Sign me up. But they invited me. And when Paul Walker came on, they did like a RIP, whatever. And the whole audience cried.

Oh, man. Wow. Yeah, it was a tough moment. We were all trying to be funny on the mics, and then that happened. We were like, so. Oof. What the hell? That was the shit, though. I remember the Creek. Someone did that show at the Creek, and I remember doing it. It was like a mystery science theater type thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that. But that was kind of fun doing those. Oh, yeah. They brought that back. That'd be a good Patreon idea for this. Oh, that's a great idea.

Talking movies? All right. What do we got on Spider-Man versus Fast Five? They're currently tied. Tied! Look at that. All right. All right. Well, because there's three Tobey Maguires. There's how many Andrew Garfield, right? Three? Two. But what if there's a Furious? It's really going to open things up. But, dude, are you counting like Avengers movies? Spider-Man's in those, too. And the cartoons, too. Oh, good point. It's all about family.

I've never seen one Fast and the Furious. What? I remember when the first one came out. Same. I was like in high school and then...

Everyone was peeling out of the parking lot. Yeah. Like, it just juiced everyone up. They couldn't help it. Like, guys in minivans and shit were like, oh, they thought they were Vin Diesel. That's true. Like, going over curbs and shit. Every car was just peeling out of there. Well, there's something about a movie that makes you want to do the thing. That's why I took my wife to see Two Girls, One Cup. Right. Yeah. You know, just plant the seed. Like, they had fun. Both leaving skid marks.

All right. Danica Patrick. Is that her name? No, that's the racer. This is the chick from Fast and the Furious. Wrong race. Yeah. Was she good? She was good. She was? What's her name? Dakota Fanning. No. No.

Diana Brewster. She was hot. She's hot. So hot. So hot, probably. I'm kind of into that Michelle Rodriguez, just because I feel like she'd fuck my face. She's wearing a wife beater in her whole... Like every movie, she's wearing a wife beater. Yeah, she's hot. Oh, look at that. Yeah. Good looking lady.

All right. I've never seen one of them. And I think I remember that phase, but I think it was more like... Side boob. I can't drive really. So I was more like just being like, ah, you know, crossing sidewalks. Like, fuck this guy. Right, right. That's interesting. So you don't drive at all? I don't want to put someone through that. I have a license, but I'm just too bad at it. I wonder how you intake a movie like Fast and the Furious when you don't drive. Right. Like you can't...

You can't put yourself in that character because you can't. The same way I take in the wrestler. I'm like, I can't do that, but that's cool. You have a point. Although you've got a drunken knight. The whole movie is just a sad guy on the road. Is it? The wrestler? Oh, yeah, pretty much. That's true. Yeah, I guess I relate. You're right. I guess I relate to... But I've never seen the Fast and the Furious movie. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I know people love them. I just haven't. You're not missing it. I think me and my brother, we went and saw a late one, like a late series one, maybe like five or six. We were crying, dude. Like, we were driving home and just making our own scenario and making fun of the movie. Like, it's good if you like that type of thing, but it was, like, fun to watch in that way. Yeah. Because I think the parking structure was being destroyed. It was imploding, and he was able to out-drive the implosion. Yeah.

Like a control demo. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So Vin Diesel was able to outrun the parking garage crumbling. Yeah. And we were just laughing so hard. It's bad. And then they added Statham and the Rock are fighting. It's just gone into a whole other strata. Hobbs versus Shaw. That's the one. All right. There's all kinds of extra characters. We're off racing now. Just like fist fights and buildings and shit. Yeah. But it started with just racing. It started with street racing. It started with pink slips, dude. Yeah.

You never know what's going to turn into a franchise. That's crazy that they're like, I remember that movie, I'm like, yeah, pass. And then they're like, yeah, we're going to make nine more of these. That's crazy. Yeah. It's the American way, man. The demand is there. They made three Transformers. Yeah. Look, there's not more. I thought there's more. I think it's three. I think there's more. This whole podcast, we're going to find out how many. We're just looking up movies.

Find out how many Paddingtons there are. Speaking of making- The seven Transformers? What? See? Wow. That'd be funny if the end is just about trans people. That's what the seventh one's about. Yeah. It's just called Transitions. All the same at the end of the day. Yeah. It's just Elliot Page. Seven films. Jesus, we are cowards and won't make a new idea.

we're out of creativity they need proof they need to prove they won't make it if it's not a lot they don't they're not imaginative no

Oh, we used to have a Pulp Fiction, a Big Fat Greek Wedding. There was Indie. People took a chance. Well, now we get things like The Last of Us. You know what I mean? It's shifted into cool, like Ozarks. So it's in that space now. We don't get those cool movies anymore, like Good Will Hunting. True. It's gone to TV. I think Breaking Bad kind of kicked that open.

By the way, Megan Fox, you know, very attractive. Dating Machine Gun Kelly. You see that shirtless photo of him? Let me see. Woo, baby. He got a bunch of tattoos blotted out, so now he's like full black. You got to check it out. It went viral yesterday. Let me see. The photo.

Come on, Peter. Don't fail me now. Wait, you got him blotted out. Why don't you just get him removed? Isn't that... There it is. Look at that. What the fuck? I know, he's like a... Black Panther 4? What the hell is that? See, you want to get them all covered up. Wild. I don't understand why. I don't know. He outgrew him, I guess. But now he looks like a newspaper stamp. That looks fucking weird. That's crazy.

That's quite a household over there. That feels like... Does it get hot? Like even with the shirt off? It's like a shirt when he doesn't want to? Right. It's like a black car. I feel like that's like irresponsible to do as a doctor. A lot of ink. Tattoo artist, you're like, I can't. Or a doctor. I said doctor did that. And is it like printer ink where they're like, geez, man, you're killing me. I can't afford this. Yeah. Yeah. The tattoo artist is HP desk jet or whatever. That's like gold.

Fucking horrible. Somebody said he looks like he's out of Dune. It does look like a sci-fi character. Dune is, I don't know if I had to read those books. I watched the first one. I was like, I don't really. People fucking love it. So I feel bad saying this even, but I thought Momoa was badass. I thought he was cool as shit. He's always fun. But there was something they pulled up. Someone was saying that there's a scene where he walked up to Timothee Chalamet and he's like, you've been working out? And he's like, do I look good? And he's like, no.

Yeah. He's like fucking with him and they're like, is this in the book? And everyone's like, no, it's not. They just put that in the fuck with Charlemagne, I guess. Oh, really? I can't do it. I tried. It's just so slow. It's slow. It's long. In the sand. I know. Come on. Fucking. No one's laughing. There's not one smile in the whole movie.

I hate to sound like that guy. How about a smile? But I'm like, come on, folks. Yeah, it wasn't my cup of jizz, as Mark would say. There's not one joke in that movie. And they just keep turning to Zendaya. She's like, turn. I'm like, do something. Something, yeah. What the hell's happening? Dude, dramatic. Give me the big vagina, whatever that thing is in the back. They're going to kill us in the comments for this, because I bet nerds are going to be like, this is like when we were shitting on Batman, and people were like, fuck you, dude. Really? The new one or what? The new one, yeah. And they were like, we love it.

Yeah. We're Pattinson fans. I saw a fun meme. I'm a fan of him, too. I just didn't love it. I didn't love it either. I thought it was boring. Fun meme was, I like Dune, too. Dune, two chicks at one time. That's not my joke. I saw it. The meme, dude. On the internet. I'm an old man now. There's Shrek. Dude, that does look like a pocket puss or a fleshlight.

It's a giant fleshlight, that earthworm. It's a fleshlight you ain't coming out of. Oh, yeah. I mean, it kind of looks like that creature from Tremors. Yes. Remember with Kevin Bacon? Yeah, great movie. And Fred Ward. R.I.P. That's right. I believe there's a Tremors 2. Find out how many Tremors there are. There is a Tremors 2. I watched it.

Yeah, I don't know. They might have done a Tremors reboot even. I feel like I almost have like big budget movie fatigue because now it's like all big budget movie. You know, it's like mostly big budget movie. So I'm like, I don't need to see another Marvel movie. I'm good. I'm fucking. What? Seven? God damn. There's as many Transformers as there are Tremors. Tremformers. Do you guys see Dune? I liked it better the first time when it was called Tremors. Yeah.

What are you, Dennis Miller? Yeah. Wait, wait. What did you just say? A lot of these big budget movies. Oh, yeah. I was talking to someone the other day. He goes, you know, there's a Dune that explains the movie. You watch it with this person. I'm like, okay, I don't need... This isn't a David Lynch movie. I guess the first one was, right? But it's not like Mulholland Drive where you need someone to break down scene by scene. You see those types of movies as an escape, don't you? Yes.

Also, this is the first time in history that the studio makes you watch the movie. You know, like, you go, this is an 824? I'll watch that. No one went like, oh, is this Paramount? Yeah. Put it on. Miramax, let's fucking go. I'm Miramax at the moment. They had some bangers. Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting. Yeah, they had some bangers. Yeah. But, yeah, it's the first time. Weinstein. Weinstein. Killed it. That guy fucking rocked. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Made some good movies. He did. Jizz in a plant. Yeah. But yeah, first time the studio matters. Right. A24 is just such a brand. Yeah. Whatever it is. Yeah, they know. It bugs me when companies know they're cool. I know. Like FX has that thing now where they're like fearless. I'm like, all right, calm down. Shut up. It's just TV. Yeah. Yeah. We're fearless. I'm like, were you? I mean, was it like a really fucking big risk to make Fargo? I know. Fucking one of the best movies ever. What?

We're fearless. You just walk in and they're like, we know. Yo, how angry are you if you're the rest of the cast that he just blew up all your residual money because you got taken? You know what I mean? If you're Theo or Rudy or Claire, you're like, fuck, I was making so much money. You got a point. Who else has fucked up residuals for people?

Charlie Sheen? No, that's still on. That's still on? Okay. Do you think the Cosby show will... Is it being run? I don't know. I think it is overseas. It must be. Somewhere, right? I'm sure we could find that out. It's a great show. Changed the world. Sure. Changed the country. Yeah, it was a good show. Do you think it's just a period of time and then they'll slide it back in? Yeah, they'll slide it back in. Probably. Probably.

I almost feel like, I mean, when it comes to cancellations and stuff, I think if you're an actor or you're in a field that women care about, that's a canceling that lasts like a very, very long time. But athletes, they kind of, they're like, all right, we're doing some action for like a week and then women don't pay attention. They're like, all right, get back into the league.

You know what I mean? Like, if you went through some of the shit that some of these athletes have done. Of course. Miles beyond what some guys in certain places. Miles Bridges beat the shit out of his girlfriend, and then he was back in the league. He's playing again. Wow. But it's like, you know. Also, there's a shorter life of an athlete, I guess. So they're like, eh. But also, I feel like less women watch sports and care about it. So there's less of this lightning rod.

I think you're right. I don't want that dude on my team, though. You have to be like, go Bridges. Ah, fuck. But a lot of guys don't care. Some guys are like, if he helps our team, he's reformed. I don't want that. I think Roethlisberger, same thing. He got accused or whatever, and I think he got guilty. But he's out there.

I think he probably raped. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know what? They should let you play, but they should write probably raped on the back of your jersey instead of Roethlisberger. Probably. But I think you're right. Ellen got a ton of world of shit because that's a woman world. Yes. But also pretending you're one thing and then like... Yeah, that's true. When your brand doesn't match up. When your brand is like, I'm awesome, I'm so nice, I dance with people, and then you're awful to everybody. Yeah. Yeah.

Dishonesty. They want people to be, you know. It is pretty funny to have that brand of dancing with people and then behind the scenes being like, don't make eye contact with me. I know. Pick a coffee, throw it in an intern's face. Just be like, and then just like, don't speak to me. Yeah, it's like the Republican senator who's like, God hates fags and he's blowing guys. Yeah. There's always that overcompensation.

Whereas if you just blew guys from the jump, no one would care. Yeah. His bass would care still probably. That's a good point. Maybe the bass. Yeah. It's always the bass. Yeah. But yeah, you're right about I think people...

If they don't care about the thing, they don't really know. They might not even hear about it. Right. Yeah, like the Lizzo, they got her on fat shaming, which is just classic because she's so fat and the whole thing is like body positivity. So when you call the backup dancers fat, you're fucked. You can't go against your brand. What are you pulling up here? Cosby's streaming on a black-owned...

Oh. TV channel called TV One. There you go. Or you can buy it on Amazon. But I mean, it used to be on everything. Well, you know, the thing about it is like I was watching an episode of Mad Men on, I think it was on Amazon and it was the blackface episode. So there was a disclaimer that came on before that said, uh,

we're not okay with this. And I'm like, yeah, no shit. It's a fucking show about people doing bad shit. Like you don't put that before Sopranos episode where he, where he curb stomps a gay guy. Yeah. I don't know why you have to put this on before. HBO supports every part of this. But then, so I think about that, like, are they going to have to put a disclaimer? Like Bill Cosby was not a good man. Enjoy. Probably. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, they do it with smoking even. Hey, there's smoking in this. Isn't that ridiculous? Crazy. Smoking. Editing out things. You know what? Why don't you watch it through a time portal? Like, think about, hey, this was a different time, and that's cool. Of course. That would be a quicker warning to say, this was released in 1996. Yes. Or you know what I mean? Things were different. It's like milk used to be a nickel. Now it's five bucks. Things change. Yeah. But you can't be like, they charged a nickel. They stole. Right.

I mean, do you have jokes that like you used to do and you think about now? You're like, oh, I would never do that. Of course. Many. I know. Same. Many. I have many of those jokes where I'm like, oof. Oh, yeah. But that's also like the world changing and you changing. I mean, that's just natural. Yeah.

Do you guys feel like retard is coming back? Yes. I feel like retard's coming back. I mean, you just said it. Exactly. It's back, baby. It's so back, I felt comfortable in a safe space of saying it. It was gone for a bit, but I feel like people are a little emboldened. It's less of a third rail than it used to be. And no one hates retards.

Like, if you make a black joke, you might actually be racist. But if no one is like, get these tards out of my neighborhood, you know, no one hates them. They're very pleasant people. I agree. Except when they're angry. Very strong. They'll flip a U-Haul. But just saying, I think no one hates them. And there's, like, flame retardant. He's tardy. Like, if you dance around the word, I feel like the mean word is actually less potent. Yeah.

I always thought it was funny, like, from that moment where you couldn't really, that point in history where you couldn't really see a retard. But then libtard was okay. Which was just like this weird, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. We used to have this joke where I'm like, does it work like that? You could just like lop off the first half and you could say libtard. How come there's no ragget, like a Republican faggot?

Right, right, yeah. That's a good point. What we do that we pick and choose, you know, it's like, hey, don't call Lena Dunham fat because that's her body. But if you're like, hey, Trump's fat, and look at him in that wacky baseball outfit or Chris Christie, hilarious fat guy. Well, that was your old bit about Lena. Mark had a great bit about Lena Dunham, how women would always be like, she's beautiful. And Mark would go, oh, yeah, you kind of look like her. And they'd be like, fuck you.

True story. It's been ripped off by a lot of comments. That's true. Yeah. But you, you, he did it first, did it first and reposted it recently just to claim. It's great when it's like a, you can tell it's like an old set. Yeah. All right. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes someone will be like, Oh, someone's doing this joke of yours, but like, I already have it out in a special. So I don't care. Like, I don't do it anymore. And like, it's up to that comic at that point. Like,

I'm not going to be fighting for this. It's up to that person, whether they want to continue to do it or not. No, it's in a special, you know, like if I was doing it currently and it's part of my act, then you have a conversation that happens with comics. Yeah. Hey, we have similar blah, blah, blah. But if I've already canonized it,

Then I'm like, that's on them. I completely agree. And they should drop it just because now they seem unoriginal. Yeah, but that's up to them as a comedian how they want to operate. It's for the best to drop it because there might be another one that you didn't know about in your set. Now you got two. Now you got two. Now we got compilation cooking. Some internet nerd will figure that out and start splicing. It's tough. Look, we're all more prolific than the last generation because we have to be. We have to keep putting out specials.

Uh, and,

It's hard. I mean, you're gonna step on people's shoes accidentally. There's gonna be parallel thoughts. So even if you got a good rep, it's gonna happen. - Same, man. Like I do my works on Stuff Show, you know? And like, I just throw a bunch of ideas out there and like sometimes someone in the comments will be like, "Oh, Norman has a joke like this." And I'm like, "Oh, thanks dude." - Yeah. - It's like, you know, I love you. I love you too. Like, I don't see all your stuff sometimes. - Of course, of course. - But I'm always like, thanks for the heads up. - A guy did that to me when I was doing like Zoom shows during COVID. I did a bit and he was like, "Segura's got something kind of similar." I'm like, "It's out." - Yeah.

I love that we have like comedy nerd fans, you know. Happened to me recently with a joke on here where they're like, it's not the same joke, but this part is like kind of similar to a Tosh joke. I just, I was like, I don't want to deal with it. You don't want to deal with it. Yeah, but sometimes these guys just want to get you. I had a guy. He goes, I did a old, it was a 2012 clip. And this guy goes, that's a Mulaney bit on YouTube. And I wrote, well, when was his bit? And he wrote 2016. And I go, well, this is 2012. And he never wrote back.

Like, how about like, oh, shit, and I'll go yell at him now. Yeah. It happened to me with an Ellen joke, and someone called me on it, and I was like, same thing. Mine came out first, and I was like...

I'm sure she's not worried about it. Let's just fucking drop it. Exactly. Well, how do you guys feel? Because you say you have to keep on... We had to be a little more... It was my joke about scissoring women. It was a big... I like to talk about scissoring. Oh, yeah. But I think because it was Louis and stuff, the hour a year, that was sort of our pace. We were coming up as young comics, so we thought that was it, the hour a year. Louis saved and ruined comedy. Yes. How so? Elaborate. Because...

He raised the bar so high because of how great he was. And he's still great. I mean, but then I think when someone is that good, every comic thinks it's attainable. And it's great that he gave us all something to shoot for. But every comic...

Can't pull off the year year and a half model that Louie's that Louie's doing totally and there's a lot of watered-down shit now now It's like there's like another guy's like I got another special and you're just like did you do the road? Did you do the work? I think I don't think people saw the work that Louie was doing. Yes. Yeah, we was doing the fucking road And there's no gatekeepers now so you can just put out a YouTube special and drop the hat which is great though as well It's also good pros and cons

but also I think people like the glory. Hey, I'm putting a thing out. How about you retweet me? How about you talk about me? Have me on your pod. I'm putting a thing out.

So it's more about the buzz than it is about the actual quality of the material. But also, if you're a really good comic, I'm not talking about you, obviously. No, no. But I'm saying like... I don't fall on this, right? Because I'm checking all the boxes. I'm like, okay, it's been a year and a half. No, we like you. I think if you're working, you're working. But I think we're talking about the people that aren't doing the work. Yes. You know?

But yeah, I think Louie raised, he set the bar unbelievably high as a great standup will do. I mean, he kind of, I think he changed it. I mean, Carlin was kind of the past generation in terms of like output and Louie was kind of our generations. God bless you. Thank you. Well, you guys, I feel, you know, cause I'm watching you from LA and stuff. You've entered that you guys are ascending and stuff. And you're at a point where you, you have Netflix specials and you've broken through to this like next level.

do you still feel that pressure to have the pace that you were doing it when on YouTube and kind of like on your own? Because I feel like if you wanted to, you could lay off the gas in terms of like output of specials. Not that you're not able to, you guys are totally able to, but like, yeah. What's your thought on like the pace of specials at this point in your career? Good question. Um,

You want to take that? I think you should keep the foot on the gas because I'm maybe a special case. If I take it off a little, I take it off a lot. So I got to go all the way or else I'm not actually working. You know, it's like going to the gym and go like, I'll lift two things and I'll leave. I feel like you got to go in and do the thing.

But I'm also a psycho, and I think maybe you are too. Yeah. So I think keep going and don't coast. It's hard for me to coast. It's very hard for me to relax. Like, I do like the grind. I do like the road. Same. It does. I do feel it sometimes where I'm like, fuck, I don't look or feel good right now. I look at your schedules, and I get anxiety. I swear to God. You post your dates, and I'm like, damn. You're not the only person to say that to us. But I also feel like that, like,

I'm like Mark. The second I take the foot off the gas, I'm like, it's fine. But like, I don't, vacations don't really make me feel rested. Same, same. I'm stressed. I guess the first three days you kind of got to give yourself to it. And then I'm like, okay, but I like doing something. I like being busy. I like, uh,

And, and my, I like doing something like reckless, like instead of a vacation, I just go ahead and get like shit faced or something and get like a story, you know? But I don't, uh, no, I feel absolutely the pressure to keep the foot on the gas. And, uh,

and to keep writing and trying stuff, but I not at the same level probably before. Like I think I, the last Netflix special, I did it. That was a quick turnaround because I just wanted to get that out before I started a tour and I wanted the tour to be on new stuff. So, uh, yeah, I think, I think the tours now, like Mark's like going international and stuff. I did just at Australia. I'm going to go international. It's like,

You want the tour to last a little longer, and so I think it's a slightly longer turnaround. I see. Yes. Because your tours are longer now, and then... You're hitting more places. Yeah, yeah. And we're weird. You're probably more sane. I mean, I have that same bug that you guys have, but I don't have it on the road like you do. Like, this past year, for...

to gear up for this hour, I've done more road than I have, which is like, it pales in comparison to you guys. I would pop out like two times a month, at least two weekends a month. Oh, that's pretty good. Like eight months or whatever. So I hit a lot of like major US cities, but I mean, I'm always getting up in LA, like those at the comedy store, those 15 minute sets around town. So I grind a lot in, in spots. Right. And then, so I just like, do you feel like you could like really work out at the comedy store or not? Yeah. Well, I've been there so long where like, I'm a made guy. Like,

I don't feel nervous. Like they know what I am. You know what I mean? Like when you first get past somewhere, you're just trying to crush because you want them to, you want them to slot you in their mind somewhere. Right. Yeah. Yeah. As a killer and just like, they don't know what you are yet. Yeah.

And so you're on eggshells a little bit. So you're just trying to crush all the time. But I've been there so long and they know that I'm good and I know where I can work on new stuff. And you keep that pace as a guy who just kills and you become a guy that doesn't write. Yeah. So you have to. True. You have to kind of not always crush. For sure. Like if you're just crushing all the time, then you're not growing. Like I want to try some jokes that don't work because then that means you're like,

stepping outside yourself a bit or swinging. Yeah. Yeah. So like earlier in the week in the OR, I'll try stuff. If it's a Tuesday or a Wednesday, I feel like it's a less of a high stakes type show. A Friday, Saturday, it's more of a show show. They have babysitters and shit. So I can't pull out my, I feel weird doing it. I could. I'm with you. But I just feel like I gotta give them a certain type of show. That OR is tough. I'll do some of my tried and true in there and get nothing. It is a weird room, dude. Why is it tough? I feel like

Because it's a very real room. It's a very present room. Like you could have the greatest jokes in the world, but if you're not present and you're not like a person and connecting with them on an energy level first, they can't even receive whatever joke. You could have the funniest jokes in the world, but if you don't feel like real and three-dimensional jokes,

they turn off. They sniff it out. It's weird. I don't know what it is about that room because there's some hilarious people who have great jokes, but they come at it and they approach it like it's a 400-seater. There's so much leeway. When there's a ton of people, you don't have to be super nuanced. You can just have razor-tight jokes. Yeah, you go up to the main room with your act and you kill. Then you go to the OR and they're like, there's a weird wall. Yeah, it's more jazzy. How many seats is it? It's more...

like 150, 200. Also people are coming in and out of there. It's always like rotating seats and then you can see the fucking Sunset Boulevard out that window. So it's a lot of distractions going on. And the light comes on as this blue star. Everyone knows it's the light. I hate when you can see comics in the doorway. Oh,

I like it, though. I don't like, I mean, especially when I'm working on shit. I want to do it in the shadows. Same. You know? Yeah, yeah. But that room, that's such a good point about you got to connect with him. Like Kumail. Remember that guy? Yeah. You didn't remember? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

He's back in his stand-up. He's back, baby. He's back, baby. He's ripped. He was an old pal of mine. I never saw him bomb once in New York. Not once! Wow. And we're doing bar shows, back rooms, all kinds of horse shit, like Brooklyn stuff. Never saw him bomb, and I go, how the hell do you do that? And he goes, I always riff up front, even if it's a bullshit riff, because it just connects us. And then I go into the material, where I was going up and going, Uber's weird, but

And they were like, ooh, what, huh? But he would go and riff and talk to a guy in the front row or make fun of the ceiling or whatever. And it always worked. For sure. That confidence puts you at ease. Yes. It's not like someone who, because you wouldn't start a conversation like that with someone. True. Just something tying you to the present as a comedian when you open is invaluable because then they trust that you're like a sane person who is...

feeling what they're feeling and in the same situation, you know? Exactly. And it is awkward for a guy to just walk up and talk like,

It's weird. It's like you said, you wouldn't do that in a conversation. And what we're doing is a weird thing. Hey, I'm sitting here. You talk into a microphone at me. Hopefully I'll laugh. That's a very strange relationship. Yeah, yes. So you have to go, hey, we're here. We're queer. Yeah, especially when it's a smaller ship. Yeah. Then it's more like that. But if you're walking out to 500 people or 1,000, you could just go into it if you want to. Exactly. Isn't Seinfeld like that? Does he just go out and do his thing? He just goes in. He doesn't go, what did you eat today? No, no, no.

No. Same with Louis. Louis just goes right in. He's all about the writing. Yeah, I mean, if it's your crowd and- That helps. Also that level of fame. They're kind of like, he's going to be funny. Right, they trust you already. Yeah, yeah. But I do love that connecting. That is really- It's one of those things you can't describe and you can't teach it. You just got to do it over and over and learn it. I remember just a simple topical riff too. I remember the day Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died-

Ted Alexandra went on stage and he goes, what a day. Shaq to the calves. Crushed. Crushed. Because it was like to open with that, it just showed so much confidence. Totally. He was always great at that. He would just walk on stage and you're immediately glued to him and he would go, strawberry daiquiri, margarita. Nice. Oh, that's a light beer. And you're just like, I can't take my eyes off this guy. Yeah. Ted's funny. Yeah, I like Ted. Funny guy. Yeah.

Hopefully he's still around. He is around. He moved to Connecticut, I think. Oh, really? He's got a family, but he's around. There you go, T-Dog. He had some classic bits. I remember he was on like Dr. Katz back in the day. Oh, really? Dr. Katz, so many of the best comics. I know. I discovered like Louis and Attell on Dr. Katz. Yeah, Hedberg, Ray Romano.

But, yeah, Gary Shandling, Chappelle, like, everybody. But I remember he had a bit about, like, you ever ask someone how they're doing, and they're, like, too, they're like, how are you? They're like, amazing. You have to take them down a notch. You're like, okay. You know, they're like, how are you doing? Great. Good. You know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, you have to upgrade them, rather. Or you're like, how are you doing? Good. Great. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah, yeah. Such like a subtle, great observation. Yeah, he had a million of them. He had that one about, he went to the butcher and he's like, can I get some, like a steak? And he goes, you want grade A beef? He's like, give me the special needs beef. I'm not getting grade A. He has this great bit about watching a young LeBron dunk on all these like white kids. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it was Zion. It was Zion. Oh, Zion. That's what it was. Yeah.

Funny. What was that bit he had about connecting flights? If I have to connect in man's ass, I'd rather go direct. Sexual preference. He goes, it's not a preference. It's like what I want. Right. I don't want, like a flight, like a direct flight is my preference. Yes. He goes, but if I have to connect in man's ass. Ha ha.

I'm canceling the trip. That's great. He always had funny shit. That's awesome. Killer. He's a beast. Killer Letterman sets. Oh, yeah. Do you miss... You did late night sets, right? Yeah. I kind of miss doing them a little bit. You guys were like the last ones carrying the torch, just doing it a ton of times. It's been a while. It's just hard for us to do it these days because I would still do it, but they're just so picky about the work. I know. What was your thought or your philosophy behind doing so many late nights? You've done how many...

By now. 12? So many. 9 or 10 probably. I don't know. And then you're just like, I want to keep doing them. What's the thought? It is a fun experience. People go, what's the point? They get no views. TV's dead. You have one clip that does better than that. I'm like, it's an experience. I go down to 30 Rock. I talk to Jimmy Fallon. I got a suit on. Some other Katie Holmes is there. Martha Stewart's doing blow. It's fun. It's just TV.

So it's really experiential. Right. At the end of the day. Yeah. And it was, I liked doing it and I just liked having like a catalog of jokes living somewhere. That too. Because, uh, you're like, maybe I get hit by a bus tomorrow and I, you know, people like, Oh, he had some good late night sets. I don't know. I just liked watching them growing up. I liked watching, like I discovered guys like Ronnie shakes or like, or just random guys. I was like, Oh, these guys got good jokes, you know, on, on late nights. So I always want to do them. But, uh,

Yeah, you're right. They don't move the needle. No. Ronnie Shanks died jogging. Really? Fun fact. He had a great joke. He goes, I saw a guy walk into the ocean to try to kill himself, but I knew he wasn't going to commit because he brought a towel. I butchered it. He had a lot of great shit. Oh, yeah. My therapist said something after two years that brought tears to my eyes. No hablo ingles. Ha, ha, ha.

He had some bangers, man. A lot of those old school guys. I mean, that's what I mean. We talk about him. Comics like that, I loved late night sets. I remember seeing a tell on Conan. Oh, yeah. Or Hedberg on Letterman. Didn't he do Conan, too? He did, yeah. My mom loves those applause breaks. That was crazy to see. In the moment? Yeah, going outside the box like that.

Yeah, he was so fucking good. I see people trash him and I'm just like, what are you talking about? Mitch? Really? Oh, yeah. Who's trashing him? People say he's like corny. Corny? What are you talking about? Brilliant. I know. I agree. I love him. Wow. Well, you can't be corny if you spawn a whole generation of comics. I forgot who was saying this. Like comics who have babies. Like in terms, you know, figuratively. Oh, yeah. Like Dane had a bunch of babies. Mitch Hedberg had a bunch of babies. Attell had a bunch of babies. So.

Mitch can't be corny if you spawn like so many even today You'll see some comics that are kind of Mitch in the cannon a lot of babies to who? I just joke where I'm like, do you think Nick cannons accountants like I crunched the numbers and you never have to wear a condom again Like Most people have fuck you money and the Ken has fuck you and finish inside money. Oh

He's good. It was okay. It was all right. The first part did better than the second part. By the way, he does not enjoy tweets about him. Oh, really? No, no. He followed me because I did a tweet making fun of him once. And I was like, that was, I think he wished he could be like, fuck you, Jew boy. Yeah, probably. But instead he just followed me. Here's the thing. He's letting you know. There's this thing about Nick Cannon, whatever. Maybe it's corny, maybe it's not. But like, maybe it was Roy Wood Jr. was talking about it. Like what he did for comedy with Wylan Out in terms of like,

putting black comedians and stuff and other comedians as well like as a factory is pretty commendable man how long has that been on that's a good point that's a good show mikey day came out of there i'm trying to think who else uh it's a comedy young fly yeah they make slightly more than apple employees i like yeah that'd be funny if you guys run while i know i would love to do while no you wouldn't i would love to do while now bring me on i'm good with black comics

Yeah, but you don't want to rap. No. Oh, you have to rap? No. Do you? Yeah. Just have a pinch rapper. I'll write some. I can do a hippity to the hop, a hip hip hop. That could work. Some whitey rap. Let me pee real quick. I got to. All right. He's got to pee. I might make a drink because I'm wildly hungover. I'm not going to lie to you. All right. Keep it going, man.

I'm just gonna do like a hair of the dog here. What is that? What is hair of the dog? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I've heard of it, but... That's when you drink again to get over the hangover. You start it back up. A little hair like a Bloody Mary in the morning is a hair of the dog.

It works? It works. It's because your body's going through a withdrawal. So when you have another sip, you're back. You're back. Are you delaying the inevitable, though? Completely. It's a total fuck you to your body. You're like, I need to solve this now. So give me a drink. But I could just wait it out and feel better. Right. But I'm impatient. I get it. If you don't mind. All right. What are you doing in town? I'll do one, yeah. Whoa!

I'm doing it. Come on. Yeah, what brings you to the NYC? Pods to promote the spash. Hey, YouTube? YouTube, baby. Hell yeah. We love YouTube. I have an exclusive contract with YouTube. I don't. I have a first look deal with YouTube. Ha ha ha.

Everything I produce must be uploaded to YouTube at first. Well, this is what it is, baby. Who needs the queefs out there? Well, honestly, kind of. I mean, I look to guys like you and Sam, and that's the model now. Sort of like do it on your own, and then they'll scale it at a later time. And it's just so freeing and liberating.

to not even for so long man like I've been at it so like 21 years at this point it's always like hey do you like this do you like this 15 do you like this 30 blah blah blah and they're just a hot chick and it's so cool to not need them anymore yeah

Yes. And they can't even... It's not what it was. And it's just... They can help boost if you've got shit already going on. You're already popping off. It's great to do a Netflix. He's already popping off. It's great to scale it. So it's just very...

It's mentally freeing just to know, oh, just do my IG, do my YouTube. Yes. And then take it as it comes. Right. It's like a business. You're just running a business. Oh, I'll do a little bodega and soda if you don't mind. I can make it. But I got to pee too. Hold on. He's talking about his special. All right. Talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. Who's just like, where's it going? I'm like, oh, my YouTube. That's the thing. Just keep on building it. And at a later time, if Netflix or whatever, it makes sense to do so and they want to, then okay. But-

Yeah. You just want most people to see it. And that's kind of the YouTube route, right? Yeah. I think, look, there's more avenues. Like, I feel like a couple of years ago it was Netflix or YouTube only. Yeah. And now I feel like I'm doing my next one for Amazon. Oh, yeah? I think, you know, like Nate's did great on Amazon. For sure. Some have done well on Amazon. So I'm like, I think...

As long as people have it. The ones that worry me are like HBO or Hulu. Yeah. Where I don't know if people have. I know people watch TV shows on them. I know like. Look, look, I have them. But does that mean everyone in the middle of the country has? Yeah. I don't think everyone has. Everyone has YouTube. Yes. Yes. You know. Everyone has Amazon Prime because they order shit. Everyone has Netflix.

because it's the biggest, you know? - Right. And you already have one on Netflix, so like the Amazon one makes sense. Like then you're on multiple things. - I think YouTube is just like, I just think about like, you want to reach young people and new people and young people, it's so easy to just share a link. I thought for years about how I did with Comedy Central and they're like,

I'd be like, all right, watch my thing at 11 p.m. on Friday. And even then, people are like, are you a fucking, are you a retard? That's what they would say. Pretty much. We're bringing it back. We're bringing it back, man. We're going to inspire people. We're going to inspire a generation of people. And what, like, what do you go for length? Like, how long? This one's going to be 58 minutes, I think. That's long. That's good. Man, it's too late to, no, I'm worried. You're like, holy shit.

Look, I think like... It's so weird because they look at like Netflix's data was like a lot of people bail after the first 15. But maybe they come back. I don't know. But your fans are going to want more. So it's good that... I guess. Huh. Should I... I'm probably going to be in that. What's the sweet spot? I don't know. I'd do like 48 or 50. My question, is it already done? Yeah. I mean, I could make some... We'll see. Here's my only thing about it is...

You could say if you shave like eight you could start the next hour with that That's true, and it's so fucking hard to keep writing hours I mean I'm doing what I'm doing on the road right now is I do like 55 60 of jokes and

And then I'm kind of like doing 10 to 15 of the next hour to see where it is. Because I'm like... I kind of tell them, I'm like, look, I'm coming back to Oklahoma City. Let me come back with some good shit. You don't want to see me with a new hour that sucks. I got to start the work now. So that's how I look at it. But I don't know, man. I think...

We'll see what Mark says. I think it's always better to start cooking on that. How much do you have for a new hour? Maybe like 15. So you're in good shape already. I'm all right. I mean, his new special is 58 minutes. It's long. Wow, that is long. But 15 is enough to get back out there. Yeah. If you like it at 58, keep it at 58 because it's your special and it's going to live forever. Right. So make sure you're happy with the length and what it is. Sure, sure. Sorry, I just yacked.

Did you really? Oh, man. A little bit of puke. Is that a first for this pod? I don't know. Why don't you have something sweeter than just whiskey? I can make you a cocktail.

I mean, like, you want to go straight. I love our whiskey, but, like, you're going to try to get back on. Like, I wish we had, like, a Bloody Mary for him to get back on. Oh, I wish. Do we have? Can we make you, like, a Boulevardier or some shit? Oh, hey. I mean, I don't want to push. Push. That'd be great. We got a full bar, right? Yeah. I mean. Okay. Let's do it. All right. Now we're talking. Okay. See, I puked. I think I popped a blood vessel in my ass there. Good.

You would have no idea, man. You look great. Oh, come on. You got the best hair in comedy, by the way. That's all right. Thanks, man. Indian number one hair, right? Well, I'm Afghan, but Indians have... Oh, sorry. Come on, bro. Sorry. That's all right. Afghan. What do you guys have? That's all right.

That's a scarf, isn't it? Afghan? It's a rug, I believe. It's a rug. How about those Afghan hound dogs? Pull one of these up. No, no. DeVito, we were talking about dogs, and Anthony DeVito was telling me he grew up with Afghan hounds, so he hates dogs. Look at these fucking dogs. They're like the only dogs that I'm like, ugh. Sounds like a sex move. Oh, my God. I gave her the old Afghan hound. It's like Farrah Fawcett or something.

It does. It's like Nikki Glaser. They look like Sam Elliott in fucking Roadhouse. You know what? It looks like Ann Coulter. Put a side by side of that. We got a beam. Do we have sweet vermouth? Uh-oh. Where is it?

All right, well, yeah, so. Oh, this is it. Check out the special. Is it out? February 28th. Oh, okay. We'll be out. Yeah. Hell yeah. Streaming, baby. Check it out. Now we're talking. What's the title? House Money. House Money. I like. Yeah, man. The workout room is really the key to writing more. A lot of people do the same act over and over, and they're scared of failing.

So the fact that you're going out there and working new shit in front of a live audience and you call it working out, that's a huge, you've got a huge head start over everybody. Well, that's my favorite part about stand-up. I think comics do stand-up for different reasons. Some do it for the purpose

applause, they just love crushing, they just love that sound. - Sure. - That adoration. I love the puzzle of standup of like, something could happen today and then you talk about it on stage. - Yes! - And then it works. Like once it works, that feeling. - The best. - When you had nothing and now it's something. - Yes! - I'm chasing that. - Even when it's not killing, but you can just sense, oh there's something here. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like this is worth exploring. - Yes. - That's the best. - So like, I'm always chasing that. So my favorite shows are my Fahim Works On Stuff shows. - Of course.

And, you know, I have that piece of paper and stuff. And it's annoying because I'm literally... I have too many ideas. It's like, you know, I emcee the show. So I do 10 minutes in between acts and I do like 20 minutes at the end. It's just a lot of ideas. And so...

I need that paper to keep track of all of them. I love it. It's annoying on TikTok because some people will be like, why is he holding a paper? He thinks I'm playing Carnegie Hall and I'm holding computer paper. But what's kind of cool is you get big enough where your fans defend you now. Before, you just had to take shit from toxic people. But now you have people who knight for you. Yeah. And they're like, it's called, he works on stuff. A lot of comics do it. I love it.

I love it. Yeah. I always give that a like. I love that too. The fans are getting- There's people fighting for you. Yeah. The fans are getting pretty damn sophisticated. I know. Comedy knowledge. Yeah, they're saying terms like, that's a good tag or a nice callback. Yeah. I don't know about callbacks. I think that's why I'm able to even put a show like that online. Yes. Because people are savvy enough to know- Totally. Comics literally don't just walk off the stream. You're like, oh, this happened today. Well, like- Yeah. It's a process. It's an art, you know? Well, you ever- Did you see when TMZ pulled up some new Shane Gillis stuff? Yeah.

Oh, they tried to bury him? Yeah. It was so sad. And the whole internet was like, bigger fan now, never heard this, hilarious. I like him even more, thanks to this post. It was crazy. Where do you think that came from? It just seemed like such a last-ditch effort to destroy him. He's on the show. Leave it alone. It's happening. But yeah, I think somebody dug it up and sent it to TMZ. And they go, we unearthed it. Love the unearthed. Resurfaced. Like it's a fucking body on the ocean.

It's so, they're shameless. It's weird that they're the ones who tell us when someone died. TMZ. Yeah. Yeah, like you find out someone you like, like a celebrity you like died because like TM, they were the ones who broke Kobe.

Whoa. It's so fucking gross that that's how they make their bank. I know. I mean, has someone sued them yet? It's funny because remember when Hulk Hogan just destroyed Gawker? Yes. I feel like Gawker was TMZ before. Yes. Was it? They weren't doing, but they were doing those kind of tasteless articles. Right. And Peter Thiel basically bankrolled Hogan to just destroy because they shit on him. They outed him as a gay man. But he's not gay, is he?

I thought he was gay. Is he? He comes after you now. Uh-oh. Sorry, Pete. Don't hurt me. Give Peter Thiel gay a goog. Oh, that's a good-looking bull. That's a small one. I was using this. That's fine.

All right, you're on your own here. It'll be sweeter with the... And I'd be joining you, but... Big fat ulcer in me. Yeah. I'm trying to be good for at least another week. Who is gay? Okay, my bad. Sorry, dude. Yeah, that's why I didn't think, because I know he's pretty far right. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. What does he own? He was early on with Elon at PayPal. Oh, wow.

I'm a gay pal. Literally. Hey, one sip, I'm back. I told you. When you drink it, I'm like, if you have a, you can have like a whiskey soda second, but you want to start with something a little sweeter. You're right. You're right. It goes down easy. I've seen a hungover man before in my life. I've been one. So, uh,

Kevin Clancy just texted me while I was whizzing. Yeah. Sam's definitely went long. Sam's going to be a little late. Oh, okay. So we got more. That's fine. Nice. Afghan, baby. Those Afghan hounds, dude. Those are fucking bad dogs. Gorgeous dogs. The people, they're like combing their hair and shit. I mean, that's fucking, that is creepy. That's weird. It's so different than other dogs. I know. That one was in Poison. Poison.

Fucking weird looking dog. Oh, that is weird. It's like a fucking Iggy Pop. Beautiful. Beautiful hair. We should use that on people. Everybody's getting the hair transplant now. Just the Afghan hound plugs. Yeah. Just like a mullet. Right. Wow. Yeah, everybody's getting the transplant and it's all from Turkey. Yeah, what the hell?

That's just not. Those are just. Come on, they're shedding everywhere. Those are fucking disgusting. It's a big mop. Yeah. Literally what that is. And their legs look like a bullfighter's. Yeah, that's true. That feels like appropriation. What if they get yelled at by a woke person? You fucking dog. My hairstyle isn't a choice for you. James Franco in Spring Breakers. First A24 film, by the way. Was it? Yeah, yeah. That one's got some dreads. Look at that.

Too much hair. Do we have any clips, any TikTok stuff you pulled? Oh, this is... I hate this motherfucker. Who's this? This is the one I saw. Have you seen this shit? Is it donuts he's smushing? It's like 18 donuts. He's gonna eat it? Oh my God.

Alright, that's six. It's like the saddest shit people will do for likes. Do they just die immediately after eating it? Hopefully. Like they just clutch their heart and the TikTok logo comes up? Look at this shit. I don't know. What's the big deal? I don't know why this is impressive. Well, he's doing like, what, five? The other guy was doing like... That's true. Look at that shit. Wow, that could feed a village. Just the sugar and the calories alone.

I mean, it's kind of like what pancakes are. I always think about pancakes. It's always way too much, man. Always. How did that become the norm? Three or four stacks of pancakes. Are people crushing that? One of those is fine. Whenever I'm on the road with my crew, they always insist on it for the table and...

You know, people take their pancakes differently. Some people want it drenched in butter and syrup. I don't want too much. I like just like a hint. Yeah, yeah. I go waffle because you can break it up easier quarterly. And you want a lot of syrup? You go nuts on your little square, your little triangle. Yeah. And I like that there's little pockets for your syrup. Syrup traps. Yeah. Edberg. Oh, syrup traps. Yeah. Damn. Damn.

He's like, what does he say? Pancakes are like something. What does he say? By the end, you're fucking sick of them. It's like your relatives. It starts out fun, and then by the end, you're fucking sick of them. Something like that. But it's like a phase now. You'll see a guy. There's another guy. I don't know what his name is, but he'll just eat literally like 10,000 calories in one seat. So you're just showing us how much you could... I don't know. He'll eat like...

10 burgers or something. Why is that? You know, we all hate rich people. Everybody's like, fuck billionaires. But...

Eating food like that is selfish and gluttonous as well. And it's starving people. That's true. I don't know why. I guess because you can't make fun of fat people. Some of them aren't fat. That's true. I mean, that guy wasn't fat. But that could save a guy's life who's starving. Yeah, all that food. Darfur, yeah. At least it's unhealthy shit. No one's like, we need more donuts in Darfur. That's true. Where's the Entenmann's? Crispy cream dropping a parachute in boxes.

There it is. Waffles like a pancake with syrup trap. All right. Not his best tweet. You have to start the show strong. You have to end the show strong. There are two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're happy at first, but then, okay, it wasn't relatives. I pulled that off. But that relatives works too. No, that was the, I think that was the Benjamin Franklin quote where he's like a visitor is like a fish.

Fine at first and by day three, like... Ugh. Oh, really? I'm paraphrasing again. He's got bars. Franklin was good. Mark Twain. Killer tweets. Killer. He would have crushed on Twitter. Or X. X. What? Any other TikToks? What else we got? Trevor Wallace had a good 824 sketch. Oh, yeah? His sketches are great. I like Trevor. They're really clever. He's fucking... He kills it. He's a good Instagram follower. My first day in India...

Oh, man. There's a whole subgenre on TikTok, which is just making fun of Indian street vendors and how they prepare food. What was that? He was cutting a bagel with his toenails. Oh. All right, no gloves. Urine. Yikes. At least he's got the mask on. What is this? I don't know what's going on. Matt, where'd you find this shit? It's India. There's flies and shit on it? Oh, man.

Yikes. There's a dead body underneath. What do you think the rating is for that record? I bet you they're healthier than us in the end of the day, too. Yeah. We're the least healthy nation. Isn't that wild? Is that because everything we eat has fucking chemicals? Yep, yep. And we don't work out. And that has like organic toenails in it. Like unprocessed. That's a good point. What else? Yeah. That was fucking gross. Yeah. Yeah.

That one I'm upset about. No, what do you got here? Is this one of those eating guys? What the fuck is that? Is that a hamburger? Oh my god. That's a bun. What the hell is that? Oh, look at this guy. He's got the pannus. He's got a fupa. That's quite a fupa. What the hell was he doing? And what was he eating? Or about to... He didn't even eat it. I could do this. I can just stab something and dance. Also, make us sad. Tell us how many views it has. I know, right?

Like millions? Jesus Christ. That's his job? That just sounds funny to say. Look at this video and say, that's his job. DJ Khaled's doing great. Honey, I have to go work. I have to go to work. That's it? Do you have any others? Another one. You guys going to buy the Donald Trump shoes? Too expensive. How much are they? $400? No, I think they're selling on eBay for like $10,000.

But that's like his ticket master. He's not seeing that shit. I know. He just saw the 400. That's true. That's still pretty good. 400's good. The novelty of them is pretty hilarious. Oh, yeah. They're going to be hard to get. They are. He's quick. He's like, well, how much do I owe? $355 million? Cologne. Yep. Sneakers. What else was he selling? It was like all kinds of shit. He's going to be selling mixtapes soon.

Hey, we can't really judge. We sell underwear with our faces on it. And yeah, we got those too. Oh, how about this for a shoe name? Highballers. Hey, not bad. Because you're baller. Yeah. And it's a drink. And it's a drink. All right. It's an idea. Not bad. Not bad. Okay. Gay pal. Are you doing another one? Who's this guy?

My biggest video of 2022. Who's buying this? Okay, we got 7-Eleven hot dog. I should dance. Do it all day long.

Oh, Jesus. I will say the 7-Eleven Big Bite, underrated. What's a Big Bite? Not a bad hot dog. Oh, really? The thing he was saying that nobody eats, if you're in a pinch and you haven't planned your day very well, like L.A. and stuff is not like New York where there's a great pizza place on every corner. Right. There's not a lot of grab and eat places. And the hot dog's not bad at 7-Eleven, the Big Bite.

Okay. I don't work for them, okay? I respect that. Thank you. These are the two corners that you got the fitness guy who's like, look at this shit. And then you got the overweight guy who's like, that's my life. That's about right. Yeah. I'm in the middle. I'm impartial. I'm just letting you know that it's worth a shot sometime. Try it. A buck each? I mean, that's a steal. Yeah.

You know who else had a decent, the meatballs at Ikea were solid. Yeah. I don't know if you guys ever had that. Actually, the hot dogs at Costco are pretty good. And the pizza at Costco. Is it really? Have you seen the machine make the pizza? Pull up the video. It's entrancing. Just like Costco pizza being made.

Damn. It's not horrible. The hot dogs were kind of the draw, though. I like because it's $1.50 for a hot dog and a soda. Where? At Costco. Okay. And they've kept that price for so long. I love it. Yeah. I love when people don't budge. Totally. I love back in the day when you could get a can of soda for just $1. Yes. And now everyone went like $1.25. I know. We're not going to break a dollar. Isn't it mesmerizing? Oh, it's robots. Uh-oh. But then when they dispense the pizza sauce, that's the real magic. Ooh.

Look at that. Here we go. Here we go. Viral-like fashion? Yeah. I hope so. All right. Still needed some humans here. Yeah. AI hasn't taken completely over yet. Here we go. Oh, here we go, baby. Oh. Oh, this is nice. That's very satisfying. That is. No Italian can do this. I know. Wow. That gives you more time to hit your wife. Hey, guineas. Save some time. A couple backhands back to the cheese. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Mateo and I made pizza at a couple places in the kitchen, and the good places usually put the cheese on before the sauce. Is that right? Really? A lot of the good places that we went to. But that was Chicago. And New York. Oh, really? We went to Arturo's in the village. Great pizza spot. Oh, yeah. I love that spot. All right, what's the best pizza, would you say, in New York? Here we go. Well, I don't leave my neighborhood, really, so I'm bad. I mean, like, people, it's like now become hip on...

social media to shit on, on Joe's. Oh, I love Joe's. I love Joe's too. That's cool now to shit on Joe's? People are doing, people, you can pull it up, find people shitting on Joe's. People are, uh, it's just, it's just fashionable to shit on great things. They always go after the best, you know? But, uh, I love Arturo's cause of the vibe too. Like the vibe is like a piano bar. I went there with Mateo. He hops on the piano and starts singing. You're like, this is fucking amazing. Wow.

He's singing Fly Me to the Moon. Oh, that's great. Yeah, it's killer, man. And the people are cool, and they make a great cocktail. I love a pizza place that you can get a good-ass... That's true. ...had in there, too, or Negroni. Yeah. And it's just a vibe. I love it. John's Pizzeria on Bleakers is pretty damn... We've been there before. We went there. Pies Only. Pies Only, you get a good place, though. That's true. You can make a night of it.

um i mean look let's be real new haven's got the best pizza new haven's fucking great connecticut they cracked it i mean those coal although arturo's is coal oven too uh-huh i'll tell you long island has great pizza they do because all the brooklynites moved to long island eventually and they got kind of pushed out so everywhere's good pizza now dude i know like even la's got some spots now totally but it's got to be thin crust i don't like i'll do the deep dish but is he shedding on it this guy

Let's see his review. Is Joe's Pizza a tourist trap? Well, the volume there is out of control. They put out so many slices. One of my favorite foods.

Late night for a while they were slipping, but I think they got it back. Also, the fact that you go to another pizza place in that area, you're waiting in line for 20 minutes. Hey, I'm thinking of pizza. Here we go. Get in here. It's never too late to level up your grooming game and keep that bush in check. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra keeps you looking and feeling amazing.

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Oh, sorry.

Oh, you're good. We're hanging out. How are you? What's up, Sammy? How's it going? How are you? Sam, nice to meet you, man. Hey. What's up, man? You know Fahim? Yeah. All right, just checking. Sit down. Welcome, welcome. You want a cocktail? Sam's on the shakers. Yeah, I'll drink something. I'll make you something. Can we get another glass? And maybe some tongs, too. Yeah. Ooh.

Maybe like a hot towel and a power washer would be good. I am drenched, dude. Are you? Yeah, yeah. I'm coming from Barstool. I'm so sorry. I value your time. We got an Afghan. Oh, good. Yeah, he was taking my job. We're looking at pizza videos. I know what that is. Have you had Joe's is the question. No, no. I have not had Joe's. I don't know how to navigate the city. I don't know where to eat food in the city. What? Yeah.

I come here once a year, I kiss the ring of show business, then I leave back to the woods. Well, it's good to have you. What are you doing tonight? You got spots? Liver spots? No, I don't have any spots tonight because I have to do two more podcasts after this. Oh my lord. And I kind of want to see my friends who I've loved for years and years. What have you got after this? I've got Gianmarco Cerenzi's. That's a kingmaker. And then I'm doing Ari's travel show as well. Oh, cool.

Good luck with that. I think I was bothering you on the phone. I'm sorry. That was the 303 number. Well, you guys both have YouTube specials. Oh, yeah, man. You're just doing so great, man. Congrats on the special. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm following the money, and it's free on YouTube. I mean, mine too. This is the second free one I'm doing, but I think that's the model now, man. Just build it on your own, and then...

You'll sell more tickets and shit and then eventually when a streamer wants to come along then okay, but if not this is great Yeah, it's just a commercial for your act. Yeah, bingo. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a digital flyer pretty much Yeah, are you chopping it up and stuff too? They want me to there they really want me to chop chop chop it this these manager characters Yeah, chop you know you know the character old tea dog Turn around yeah, he's like I think that I figured out a digital initiative that would be best for the rollout. I

And I'm like, okay, well, how much do I have to pay the guy who's going to tell me to make clips? Exactly. LA speak. These dogs. They always tell you that shit that's been around. They're like, have you heard of fucking Reels? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know TikTok? Yeah. We know it. We're going to get you on SiriusXM. Have you heard of Byron Allen? Ha ha ha.

Are you unleashed? Mark's the only one of us I believe to go on. You guys haven't done. I haven't done it. I pissed off by her. Why? That was fucking. The picture alone was epic. Well, first off, I met him at the urinal. I was like, hey, what's shaking? And he's like this. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you got to prepare everything. Everything is you give him the jokes. So you go like, here's my joke on dogs. Here's my joke on tables. Here's my joke on barbecues. Yeah. And I totally wanted to fuck with him a little because he goes, so Mark, I heard you have a dog. And I go, what are you talking about? Ha ha ha.

He goes, you know, your dog, yeah. And I was like, I don't know what you mean. And we had a good time. He hated it. Oh, the picture. There's a picture of the whole group and Mark's doing this. Oh, yeah. He yelled at me during the commercial break. He's like, what are you doing? You're killing the flow. The momentum. Stop trying to be funny. He is a very wealthy man. He's incredibly wealthy. He owns the weather. Yeah.

He doesn't even. That's your thing. That was our thing, yeah. He won't even do the thing anymore where it's like, oh, I heard that you were at the carnival recently. He pretty much just goes, your turn. Yes. All right, now you tell the joke. He's going to set you up in a funky manner. Remember back in the day, Bob and Tom, you ever do that? Oh, yeah. I just did it. They fucking hated me. Oh, yeah. They still going? Yeah, dude. Wow.

Isn't one of them gone? They wanted to do material, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I did a joke on there about getting jerked off in a town car, and they stopped it, and they go, we could get fined in 150 markets for that. That's a $1.5 million fine. I was like...

I feel like that's not going to happen. But they were furious. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Did you do it when it actually moved the needle? It did help. It helped you guys? It didn't help me because they ended the interview. Yeah. Not fun. If you got some material on there, you'd sell like 10 more tickets. Yeah, I did it in November. I think it helped pack out Cincinnati Thursday. Hell yeah. Thank you very much. That's a great club, by the way. I love it, dude. Yeah, the inmates run the asylum over there. Oh, yeah. Go bananas? Yeah. Old school.

Get a real boom in there. Booming laughter. Yeah, one of the last. I tried to do my special there. You did it there? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Where again? Go Bananas Comedy Club in Montgomery, Ohio. I mean, you're killing it in like the first six seconds. Yeah, you were very nice to me on this podcast. I appreciate that. Hey, nowhere else. Yeah, yeah. Only here. No, you spit on me last time I saw you.

Did you? We did Kill Tony together. He was looking me in the eye, though. I was at a blackout. I want to apologize for my performance. You did great. Oh, I had nothing. Yeah. I think I put my head on your shoulder at one point. Yeah. Because you do the Protect Our Parks, and you're just like... Yeah, you're cockeyed and strange. Yeah, Ari got naked. It was a wild night. Uh-huh. You kept the show on the rails. Hey, man, I'm a company man. Yeah. I do the job. Oh, yeah. Bob and Tom has a guy named Ace now. He's just a black guy, and all he says is, Damn. Yeah.

And he could just be a button, but no, he's in there collecting a check. I'd be like, Ace, what do you think about that? And he's like, that's foolish. Fucking D-I. I want that button. I want that button on this pod. Ace, damn. Damn.

That's actually more than Salakus does when he's here. We should get some buttons. I'm like, oh, God. Just revert back to radio. Yeah, exactly. That's where it's all going. Traffic, traffic. I got mattress in lanes. I-8's clogged.

It's coming back. You know what else the radio always did? They kept telling you the time. Remember that? Hey, it's 15 past the hour. And you're like, I got a clock. Great. Why do you have to keep telling me the time? There was a phone number you could call and get the time and temperature back in the day. Yeah, that's right. What was the number? Do you remember? Because I knew I had a watch. Right. Yeah. I never needed to avail myself of their services. Yeah.

I guess it was kind of good. You know, you hit that, you're like, let me hit the traffic back before GPS. Right. We just look out the window and you'd be like, he's got a jacket on. That's true. You go by other people. You just rip them off. But then, you know, but then there's always a psycho out there in a fucking, in shorts. Oh, yeah. In March in New York City. And you're like. That's true. He throws off everything. This guy ruined my fucking plan. Yeah. My dad had a thermometer on the wall.

back in the day. Now I sound like I grew up on a farm. Oh, yeah. I remember that shit. I totally forgot about that. Literally, you'd be like, oh, about 80, you'd say Celsius and Fahrenheit. It was wacky.

That's a landline. So were you based out of normally Denver? No, LaHunta, Colorado, the southeastern corner of Colorado. Quit bragging. Yeah, I know. So how far on it you can walk to it? Whoa, Sin City. Is it hard to do the road out of that? What's that airport? I drive up to Denver. That's a fucking bad airport, though. Oh, I think it's a great airport. Really? Yeah, I love that airport. That's one of my least favorite airports. Why does it suck so much?

It's a mess. You've got to tram. The security is a nightmare. Yeah. Security is really bad. Always packed. But the trick to Denver security, listener, is you just go through the premier access lane and they never check. Oh. The one that the people who work there go through. You just walk right through there. Because now there's like this whole serpentine snake of clear people and pre-people. It's like almost as long as the regular line.

That's right. We have to keep giving up more freedoms. I know. Because we've given them the iris. We've given them the fingerprint. Yeah. Good point. I mean, the next is going to, you're going to have to do something with your dick. I don't know. You have to dip it in a machine. I don't know. Like having a machine in the house. You know? Ha ha.

I don't know what's next. Are you going to have to give up more freedom, right? Yeah, I guess so. Geez, they really got us. Then there's always that new thing. Hey, did you get the Citizen? Right. Global. I thought pre was it. And then they're like, no, now it's clear. Now it's global entry. Now it's like, what's the next one? Global entries for international. Are you pre? I'm pre and clear. Everything, yeah. So what's the difference? Like, is clear better than pre? Clear gets you through the line. Pre, keep your laptop in your bag and don't take your shoes off. Yeah. So it's a good combo. Oh, so it's nice to have both? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah, sometimes you'll get to an airport and they won't have clear, but they'll have pre. Yeah. Yeah, so you're covered either way. Pre-Fontaine. Yeah. Exactly. Pre-cum. Yeah, I mean, everything. That and Orlando are my, Orlando's number one least favorite airport. Because you're dealing with, it's all kids. All kids. When they say kids board first, it's fucking 95% of the plane. Yep. And it's a shitload of old people. Yep. It's a bad combo. Yeah.

Yeah, that's bad. I mean, what else is bad? Chicago can be a cunt. Can be tough. Yeah. Are you guys Delta? Yes. I'm Delta. I've got to stick with Delta. Well, United out of Denver. It's the hub. Yeah. Is that right? I'm envious of you guys over here. You've got to go Delta. United's fine. United had a bad stretch when they had that, like, the dragon of the Asian man. Yes. And killing the dog in the overhead. Yeah. That was a bad PR combo. That guy couldn't have won. Yeah. All right.

Whoops. Well, now Alaska's got the door missing. Yeah. I have a theory. I have an idea. Fat people get two seats on a plane on certain flights. Use the fat guy. To clog it? To clog the door. I would gladly step up. Yeah. I didn't want to say it. I would be in the exit row. Yeah. The trick is to go back first so you can still face in. Yeah. But you know what they offered people on that flight? $1,500 each. Wow.

You got to give more for a door coming off. That's a maybe you're dead scenario. Completely. That's the final destination shit. That's more than $1,500. I just want you to agree to it right away without thinking. $1,500, all right. That suit itself, you could get a bunch of money. That's true. We'll give you an O-ball, pa, $10 off. There's always some bullshit like that.

Not Chipotle. You can get Moe's. The other Mexican place. You can get a Quiznos. Sixth century. Not Subway. Moe's. I didn't know you knew about Moe's. Of course. It changes everything. I'm a rogue comic, too. I remember Orlando Airport. Remember you handed me, we were opening for Schumer years ago in some arena there, and we got fucking housed. Oh.

And I was puking in the airport bathroom. And Mark, I just see a hand lifted over. It's a ginger ale for me that he grabbed. That's a good buddy move. Yeah, yeah.

You guys go in the lounge, right? You better believe it. And you have your buddy who's like outside, you know, knocking at the door, can't get in. You get a coffee cup, you go to the bar, you get four shots of Hennessy in there, walk out with it. Here you go. Yo, you're like full of life hacks, dude. I love it. I've done that. I've had the opener, like you bring them out and make a sandwich or something. Yeah, I've done that. I did that with my wife. I feel like when you get older, the airport lounge is the new nightclub.

Like I give way more shit about the lounge than like a nightclub. Oh yeah. Yeah. Even if I have like six minutes before I board I go in the lounge just to like cleanse. I go when I land. I do too. I'll hit that lounge. Wait. They let you in. Oh yeah. On arrival. You can do that. Oh yeah. I'll tell the

world because I get a coffee when I land and I get a couple cookies and I hit the road. I thought you have to show your ticket. You do. You have a boarding pass for that day. That day boarding pass is all you need. Oh, they don't like it. Oh shit. I didn't know you could do this. This is a game changer. Oh yeah. Thanks a lot, Talon. Yeah. Open the can. Trying to fit in with my New York pal. Got it. I'm babe pig in the city over here, Ruben around. I had a literal I'm walking here today. Oh,

From me. Yeah. You know those like how they have like the Chinese guys like crawl out of that like hole in the sidewalk when they're down in the. Yeah. Yeah. A guy popped up and I almost fell in the hole and I was like, I'm walking here. Don't get me started on the Jew tunnels. Hey. It's good real estate. Look, that's an improvised line by Dustin Hoffman. The I'm walking here in Midnight Cowboy. That was improv. Wow. One of the most iconic lines ever. I'm walking here.

Great fucking movie. Great movie. Because UCB classes paid off. Oh, wow, wow. UCB, man. Remember when they used to do, we used to do stand-up there. Well, they used to run everything, man. That was like the hottest thing. I heard clowning is really big now. Clowning? Like in LA. Oh, yeah. That's the hit thing. Really? What does that mean? Like Krusty the Clown? No, it's like physicality. It's like communicating a lot without even words. It's like French bouffant. Oh, like baskets. Marcel Marceau. Like that's what UCB used to be. Yeah. Pull it up.

What is clowning? An old art form got a new paint job in the L.A. comedy scene. Well, these guys seem really fun to hang out with. Oh, she's got a hat instead of a personality. Give me my shoe. Woo, baby. Anthony DeVito's got a great joke about... That guy, that Chad guy. About how his ex...

started cheating on him with his best friend and as it worked out for them though you know they got they got married they have kids together and he goes and it worked out for me they both teach improv perfect right yes no but it is very good funny guy really funny my buddy yeah clowning oof I'd actually prefer like a bozo

That would be more fun, I think, to hang out with. The paint? Yeah. I prefer Pennywise than hanging out with these guys. Exactly. Yeah, eat my head. Yeah.

The comedy scene's in a weird place. It's great because comedy's so huge. Everybody's selling tickets. It's great. YouTube specials. But then it's also like when something comes mainstream, it also gets a lot more shit in it. Oh, yeah. It's so boutique, too. You can find the exact kind of comedy that you want to see. You don't have to just watch whatever's on Conan that night. Right, right. You remember growing up, you just watched whatever came on Next on the channel? Of course. And you'd be like, I don't want to watch Yes, Dear. Yeah. Yeah.

But you did. Well, Netflix has an option now to be like, just put something on for me. You pick. And I'm like, whoa, we're back on TV. We've gone all the way around to TV again. I remember knowing a lot about Charles in Charge as like a six-year-old. Oh, yeah. Because it was on after Rescue Rangers. And I was like, well, it's on. Oh, yeah. Rescue Rangers. Oh, Nicole Eggert. Yeah. Was it Willie Ames?

He was the best friend. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I watched it as well. Yeah. What's his face? Scott Baio fucked everybody. Mm-hmm. He got in there. Good for him. Heather Locklear, Pam Anderson. She was hot. God, Pam.

Where do you land on the Anna Nicole debate? What's the debate? Do you want to fuck her all the time or just a couple times a day? I would say all the time. All the time. Yeah. Really? I really liked that. You don't think she's hot? I never got it. Really? Oh my God. She looks like a woman doing a woman. Well, I mean, come on. Let's not go into detail on that one.

But there's different eras of Anna Nicole as well. Sure, sure. I like near-death gettable Anna Nicole. Pillhead Anna. Yeah, yeah. But it feels like one false move and she's ugly. I don't know. She's right on the edge to me. Oh, that's a buffalo whore right there.

She's a stripper in Ithaca. Hey, Pauly. She is with Pauly Shore. All right. That guy's lived. Oh, my God. Yeah, I see Pauly's at the store and stuff. I forget that, like, yo, I used to watch him with Encino Man. Totally. Biodome. Oh, Biodome. That's pretty good. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on. Yeah, dude. Yeah, Mark, you're right. That's not worth it. Well, wait, pull that one up, the one in the black. Yeah, right there. Look at that. That's Karen. That's a lady who's going to yell at you at...

Yeah, but she's going to let you do whatever you want to her. Well, so does for him. That's true.

He's very good. Thank you for the cocktail. Boulevardier. That's nice. Mix it up. That's our whiskey, Bodega Cat. I think she was also like seven foot tall. She was huge. Huge lady. Man, I remember she was at that last roast, and I just remember her flicking off Jeff Ross, and then she died like not that long. Whoa. That's got to be kind of rough to have on your conscience. Yeah. You're like, yeah, I zinged her. Yeah. Two weeks ago. Like 11. Did you hear what the coroner said to the chief of police when they found her body? What? I'll go first.

Classic. Love it. Love it. Coroner, that's a victimless crime. Yeah. He's fucking the bodies. Yeah, it's just refuse at that point. You ever heard that old Vietnam joke? Two guys in the trenches, there's bullets overhead, and he goes, I'm so horny, I gotta go out there. And he's like, don't go, you'll get shot. Goes out there, he sees an Asian lady with a great body, bangs her.

You know, the whole thing. Comes back. He's like, I got laid. And the guy's like, what happened? He goes, well, there was a dead Asian lady and I fucked every hole. It was great. And the guy goes, what'd she look like? He goes, ah, she didn't have a head. I might have fucked it up. God damn it. Pull that joke up. That's an oldie. We used to tell it. It was Rita Rudners, I think. The whole term was she didn't have a head. I think I fucked it up somehow. That's an old classic. We used to tell it around the campfire in the 80s.

Do you guys have a favorite street joke? Ooh. Yeah, I have a few. I love, there's one on the Gilbert Gottfried album I love where he's, you know, where he's doing the joke about the guy who's drunk at the bar and he goes, ah, shit, I puked all over myself. My wife's going to kill me. Oh, that's a great one. You know this one? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell it anyway for the people listening. And he goes, ah, fuck, yeah. And the guy goes, just put a $10 bill in your front pocket. Say some guy puked on you.

And, you know, for the dry cleaning. He goes, that's a great idea. He goes home. His wife's like, what the fuck? He goes, some other guy puked on me. He put $10 in my front pocket, you know, just to take care of the dry clean. She pulls it out. He goes, it's a $20 bill. He goes, he also shit in my pants. Yeah.

That's a good street joke. What do you guys like? That's great. Well, I did mine already. That was my favorite. That's his go-to until he gets out of conversations with inquisitive crowd members. I'm telling you, you can find it online. I didn't make that up. I swear to God, that's an old... My dad was a nom.

I like the two boys riding their bikes home from school and a big van pulls up next to the boys and a guy rolls down the window and he says, hey boys, and he holds out a big bag of candy and he's like, hey boys, if you come in the van, I'll give you some of this candy. One of the kids says, shit mister, I'll come in your mouth for the whole bag. When people are like telling me a joke, I hit them with that and then they usually leave and I'm safe. There you go. Yeah. Or they stay and you got a cool friend. Yeah, exactly. That's a good deal. You got someone to steal something. What's the Jewish pedophile joke? All right kid, not so much candy.

Or maybe it was, hey, kid, you want to buy some candy? Ah, I'm off today with the street jokes. What about the classic three guys have to sleep in a room together because they were out on the road? I love this one. Oh, yeah.

The guy on the left goes, they sleep, you know, one, two, three. The guy on the left goes, man, I had a wet dream last night. The other guy goes, I came all over the place in my sleep. And the guy in the middle goes, I had a dream I went skiing. That's a classic. All right, I finally got a joke right here. That's on the Gilbert album, too. Oh, really? That Gilbert album is fucking amazing. He just tells street jokes for a whole album, but he does his own, you know, little riffs in there. It's funny as hell. Different time. You couldn't do that now. No. No.

You can't tell jokes now. But I mean, were those his? Did he lift them? Yeah, they weren't his. Okay, well, that's weird. It's weird, but he didn't bill it as like, I wrote these. I mean, just it was billed as dirty jokes. I mean, that's how stand-up was back in the day. It was just sort of like open domain or whatever. Yeah. Right? Or public domain. Yeah, if I were ever to tell one, I'd probably say, here's a street joke. Right. You know? Well, he also worked in vaudeville. Yeah. He was 140 years old when he died. He was. He was.

Yeah. Wait, what were you going to say? No, I mean, that's pretty much it. Just like back in the day, it was pretty much public domain jokes kind of like, you know? Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. They would just pass them around in vaudeville. Yeah. Tonight I get to do the Chinese stuff and then tomorrow y'all do the Italian stuff. Exactly. Yeah. Well, you know what? Louis was like, we talked about this before. He did the hour a year. It was kind of like the four minute mile. Once one guy did it, you're like, oh, we can all do this. You got to kind of see a guy do it or go. Yeah. And then you can do it.

It's like the 900. Tony Hawk does a 900. Now like 10-year-old kids are doing 900s. Yeah.

You see that new Baker video? No. No? Baker has a death wish? Yeah, yeah. It's very good. I saw some clips, actually, on the line. Skateboarding video. Oh. I know nothing about this world. I love skateboarding on IG. Yeah. It's like the perfect medium to consume because it's all pure content. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's violence in there. There's artistry. There's agility. Everything. And there's like, I love the ones where they show the guy fucking up, fucking up, fucking up, and then he nails it. Right. And he's scuffed up. He's bleeding. He's dirty. Mm-hmm.

That's good for our, we need that. You know he worked his dick off on that trick when he rides away sketchy and he still posts it. Yeah. It's like when you botch a joke and you're still like, all right, well, I hit my head 12 times on the way to this punchline, so I'm putting it out. Yeah. The Asian lady had no head. Let me take that again. Yeah. That would be the equivalent. That's what you got to call this episode, Matt. The Asian lady had no head. Yes. Let's do it. The headless Asian.

Yeah, but skateboarding, great for that. And even kids like Seinfeld said, I love a skateboarder because you go, that kid's going to be all right. Because it's reality. You've got to just keep doing this horrible thing over and over just for that little pleasure of riding it away. It's like a...

What do you call it? It's like a self-fulfilling thing. I did that on my own. No one asked me to do that. I did that. Self-actualized, right? Thank you. That's the word. I used to lurk a lot. All my friends were skateboarders when I moved to Denver. And I would just lurk at Denver Park and watch them ride around and think, I will never do that.

Yeah. I tried to skate around. I had like a longboard. Gravity plus mass, you know, speed. 6'4"? 6'4", 320. Woo! Yeah, not a lot of tall skateboarders. I mean, Tony Hawk is tall, but other than him, I feel like not a lot of tall ones. But he's in the half pipe. You were probably on the street. How old is Tony Hawk? Like, at what age does it become a huge liability to be skateboarding? You know what I mean? I met him. I went to his house, private skate park. Whoa, whoa. He's going at it. When I got there, I

I mean, the guy's amazing. He's a legend. He sounds like an old printer. He's like, he walked up, he's like, oof. He's all clicking and snapping. His joints are popping. He's like Mick Foley. Yeah, yeah. Poor Mick Foley, dude. Yeah.

I opened for him once like years ago. Yeah. I was doing that shitty Funny Bone. Not the St. Louis Funny Bone, but they had another one. Oh. Mick Foley. They're like, I had the same age as Mick Foley at the time. They're like, hey, you headlined the whole weekend. He just wants to do one show. Would you open it? I was like, same money. I was like, deal. Yeah. So couldn't have been nicer. His show was fucking funny. He's telling good stories. Yeah. But I remember opening for him and he goes, wow, that Sam's fucking dirty. Oh.

And he goes, I'm going to curse one time. What? I'm going to give myself one curse. And he goes, I'll let you know. You tell me when to do it. And he pointed to someone on the ground. And it was like, great war story. He's a fucking legend. Well, yeah, he's like, you're dirty. Meanwhile, he's talking about the time a guy bit his ear off in Japan. He's the king of the death match, but he doesn't swear. But he's weirdly wholesome. Oh, he's great, yeah. I thought wrestlers were animals. That's his daughter, I think. Whoa, hello, daughter.

daughter. Did you see the clip where Undertaker threw him off the fucking cage? Of course. That was the worst shit I've ever seen ever in wrestling. What do you mean worst? I mean, it's real. He's getting fucking killed. You know how people have the Kennedy assassination was built into their brains, like a calendar explosion? Foley off the cage is like, I'll probably see that right before I die. Pull it up!

It's just so fucked up. I mean, he was, he was like the dude who got the shit kicked out of him. That was his gimmick. The fall guy. Yeah. And people were like, wrestling's fake. I'm like, all right, but look at him walk. Yeah. Yeah. That's not fake. Right. He's banged up. No, he's ruined. That seems to be a pipeline now. Sort of, uh, some wrestlers have gotten into standup. Like I remember Roddy Piper was coming by. Oh yeah. Great guy. Super nice. Yeah. Uh, this is this kid. He had a tough time. They got to him in the locker room pretty early. Yeah. Yeah. Jake, the snake. Oh,

Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. My daddy done diddled me. Diddled my sister. I'm a product of rape. It's funny. That was like in Beyond the Mat. This is it. Here we go. Whoa, that's a tall order. Yeah. That's not. What'd he land on? A table. Oh. How do I get shit on by Vince McMahon? Do they do anything like this anymore? No. This is too many. Look at this guy. He's ruined. Yeah. This is what happened to Stephen Hawking.

At least he got to go to the island. That's true. He got a vacay out of it. Look at this. This is crazy. And they didn't work it out beforehand. What? No, like, they just ripped that. I mean, how do you work it out, either? I mean, you don't want to be like, oh, let me see how this feels in rehearsal. Yeah, yeah. Then we'll run it back. True, true. Places, guys. Back to Juan. I've never seen this. Thank you, Juan. But he was also so likable, Mick Foley. I mean, it's rare to be, you know...

I feel like wrestling is the most similar to like, it's like it is if you combine sports and stand up. Yeah. You're literally doing, you're doing like a funny promo. Yeah. People like the guy. People love The Rock because he's funny. Also, you see them kind of like putter around until they lock into what their thing is. Yes. I love wrestling documentaries. They have one on A&E. Vice does some great ones too. And there was one on Stone Cold at my hotel. I was watching it.

because you see him in these smaller markets when he's in Memphis and stuff and he has like stringy losing hair, you know? Yeah. And he's a good wrestler but he's not who he is. He's not climbing the ranks and it's not until he gets fired from like, was it WWE or something? For what he said. So yeah, he was going to be the next featured player and then he like bicks his head and he gets to goatee

and then he's really mad about being fired and then people are like yes and there's so many parallels between wrestling and stand up that's why I love these documentaries because it's like oh shit yeah it's not working and then you're like

Like, that's Stone Cold. People love this. Or people love this rock thing, this baby face thing at first. It's like, what is this? And then they kind of accidentally pivot into this great thing. Totally. You figure it out. You'll be the cable guy. Yeah, exactly. Cut the sleeves off. Start selling the arenas. You got to find your voice. And then Shane Gillis stole his whole beer drinking thing. Yeah. Well, Vince McMahon was like, hey, Stone Cold or Steve Austin, we want you to kind of do like a bad guy thing. We want you to be yourself. Is that Trump?

Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. He's in the Hall of Fame. Really? Trump's in the WWE Hall of Fame. Oh, it is Trump. Wow. Yeah. And look at him try and drink a beer. He's never held it in his hand. Yeah, he doesn't drink. Yeah. That's amazing. You would think Trump wouldn't go along with that. You feel like he'd just be like, no, I need a win. That's true. Yeah. He's like a PT Barnum-esque character, though. Yeah. There it is. Whoa, look at that. Damn.

Damn, that was awesome. You know what's cool about Stone Cold? I feel like he never dropped the beer. Never? Because it was such a badass thing, but to always catch him. Yeah, he would get fired if he was like, tell us me another one. That would change everything. Yeah. Old Butterfingers. Yeah, Stone Cold was like, that was like peak WWF. He's the fucking man, dude. He was just probably the coolest. He was trying to come up with his name, and he couldn't figure it out, and his girlfriend, or his wife at the time, was like,

you should be stone cold. That's that's the, like, so she offered the name. I love the creamery. Yeah.

She didn't have a head. Well, after he was done with her. Oh, yeah. But also the old days of wrestling, not old days, but like the early times, these guys were in like a back of a high school or some shitty gym and there's like folding chairs everywhere and there's eight people there. It's like open mics. Exactly, dude. And you work up, you get like 40 bucks, then 80 bucks. Yes. And then you might get a cut of ticket sales. Yeah. Rodeo guys are the same because they live on the road and they're chasing this like insane dangerous dream.

And, you know, drugs, alcohol, pill, all that stuff. They're a lot like comics, too. And by the time you make it, your body is, like, too fucked. Yeah, yeah. What's the best case scenario for a rodeo guy? Like, at least you can point to WWE and be like, all right. Some of those guys make money, dude. Really? Like a top rodeo guy? A lot of them make their money, and then they open up, like, a bull ranch. And they start producing their own. Oh, that was shit. This is not going to end well. I don't know. Oh.

That's a shitty piece of wood. He's sucking his dick? What is he doing? Oh, no. Oh, no. How's that? It's cardboard. Oh, it's a mattress. Okay, never mind. All right, jeez. Mattress and lean. These men are cowards. These people, excuse me. That reminds us, Casper, guys. Get on Casper. Yeah, that'd be a great advertisement for Casper. Yeah. There's all this backyard wrestling. Oh, yeah. I feel great after being power bombed like that. Yeah.

So I was just in Boise. It's a big Mormon city. And they do the soaking.

You know about the soakers. You just hang in, right? You hang in, you don't thrust. That's a way of God being happy with it. Yeah, it's a loophole, but the guy jumps on the bed. Your friend jumps on the bed. That's why. Then you get the friction. Yes. Isn't the friend going to hell then? No, because he's not fucking. He's not doing anything wrong. He's just jumping up and down on the bed. It's like Jews with the Sabbath. You get the little black kid to turn the lights on. Right. Or Catholics only having anal sex before marriage. God's hole. Mm-hmm. Yep.

I remember that special. That was good. Yeah. Great band. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like, you know,

Just do the thing. It's all silly. How would you like to be the guy who has to jump up and down? I would love to be that guy. Yeah? Yeah, you're in the mix. You've got to get like LeBron. You need a good jumper. You're almost like a cuck with a job, which is kind of nice. Yeah, a cuck with a job. Because you're watching and helping out. I could jerk it while they're doing it. You could. For sure. This is a tax. The jerk jump? That's fun. Yeah, then you're just on both of them. I think you'll come out in the end. That's why I can't go back to leaps and bounds.

That is so fucking sad that that's how people fuck. A lot of those Mormons, though, they, like, by the time they're 19, they got, like, three kids. Oh, yeah. Well, they're repressed. Mm-hmm. They're like the Japanese. Yes. Ethno state. Yeah. I fucked a Japanese girl. Her vagina was blurry. All right. And she had no head. Oh, God. Ooh, baby. That was when you were working the rape of Nan Kang. Ah.

I'll be on that wall soon, guys. Yeah. Leave a frame open for me. We got the new Patrice photo, the new Geraldo photo, and we got Bernie Mac added there. Hell yeah. I'm guessing that was after the Godfrey episode. Oh, you changed the frames, too. Nice. And the new Norm, it looks like, too. Yeah. The king. And a new Saga. These are all new photos.

Oh, yeah. I just did the Levity Live West Nyack this last weekend, and John Lovitz wrote all over the wall where you sign, like, Bob Saget is gay. John Lovitz, he signed it like four different times that way. Four different years. Every time he was there. I love the, there's a wall like that in Providence, Rhode Island, at the club, Comedy Connection. And it's just a bunch of guys' websites. And you're like, come on. What other comic is going back there like, oh?

Yeah. Let me get that website down and check out his site. Yeah. Yeah. Just comedians. It's in the green room. What are we doing here? That's a weird. Put a QR code up. Yeah. Tag that up there. I'd be impressed. Exactly. I mean, back in the day, remember you'd like to be comics would hand out business cards. She's like, hang by the door. Fuck. Oh,

Brutally. Did you have business cards at a point? I did. Of course. I did too. Vista print, baby. It was like $2,000 for $20. Wait, wait. Did you pay extra to have it removed or did you keep the vista print on the back of the car? I kept it right on there like a goddamn soldier. Those were fucking awful.

Oh yeah, but when they came in the mail it was exciting, like "Woo! I'm in the business now, baby!" All it took was one person giving you a look and you're like "I'm sorry." Oh yeah. "I hate myself." I've done- I'm just trying to fucking sell tickets here. Oh dude, so many things that would help my career, I just have that voice in my head of like, "I'm gonna receive a very mean text message."

when they find out about this and they can never do it again. - I had a VHS of my set. - No! - This was back in the day. You have open micro energy, you don't know shit. I gave it to this guy Rod Long 'cause I started in Seattle. He was like a guy doing stuff, you know? So I was doing some corporate event.

And then I'm like, hey, Mr. Long. I was like 18. I'm like, here's a VHS of some of my sketches and a stand-up set. He's like, oh, thanks, man. Thank you. Like, I'll check it out. Yeah. He probably didn't. No. But I mean, yeah, man, just throwback. Think about how unlikely VHSs they are. Just click on a link. You bring a fucking tape. I remember sending DVDs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Joey Diaz would send blank tapes because he just knew they would never watch them.

Yeah. There you go. Damn. They still book him. They loved it. That happened at Ha. I remember I auditioned at Ha and he just left the room and I ate shit. He's like, great stuff. You start working next week. He never booked me. But he wasn't in the room either. I think he was just like, I got plenty of people here. Perfect. I flew into the punchline to audition for Molly. What? Yeah. Like I flew in to open for Alex Cole at the punch. I know Alex. And I went on stage and saw her get up and leave the room. Whew.

And this was when I had no money, you know? And I was just like on stage and I just bombed unrepentantly. Totally. And then I got off and she came in and she said, good set. I was like, did she start working you? No. I still never worked it. I had to trick my way in. And then never work you? Yeah.

Yeah, I had that with a Montreal audition. They wanted to see this one guy, and the rest of us was just filler. Right. And so we all went on, and they didn't watch, and they came in the room for the one guy. Who was the one guy? Do we get to know? I don't want to say. All right, all right. It was Ralphie May. I remember the funny bone. They were like, just take a flight to Columbus. He'll watch your set. Yes. I'm like, I can't do that. Who was the person? Legendary Stroop. Yeah. Stroop. But they never really, I mean, I got like a few feature weekends here and there, but they never really worked me until I was selling them out.

Yeah, that's how they... I was doing those B and C rooms. Those fucking... Did you ever do Wiley's over there? Yeah, twice. Whoa! In Dayton. Yeah. They got that great barbecue place right by the... They do have good barbecue. That was great. Was that Flame or something? It was called something... I never did Wiley's. I mean...

Got the job done. What are you going to do? It's their version of that dinosaur barbecue in Syracuse. Yeah. If you have that, you never need to come back. Another bad sign for a town. You go, what do you do here? They go, barbecue. Dinosaur barbecue, that's all we have. That's just a chain. Syracuse is rough. That was the room I remember that at the time my agent told me, uh,

She goes, you're banned from all Funny Bones. You walk 20 people in Syracuse. What did you do last night? And I was like, my act. What do you think? I'm like melting down? I'm bombing. It's Syracuse. You and Kramer had the same result. Do you guys get walkouts still at all? I do every now and then. Rarely. Why?

Because they probably just didn't know. How do they not know at this point? Some people just are like, oh, go see comedy. They don't know. Yeah. I did. I had one at the Liberty Funny Bone last time I did it. It was a religious couple, and I did some religious jokes, and they walked. But they're usually polite about it. Yeah. They're not usually like, fuck. Did you call it out? I didn't even see it. The guy told me later. He's like, yeah, the older couple left because he did a Catholic joke. I remember one time I was doing a...

rooster tea feathers. Oh, I've done there. I've done there. I bagged the book there. She was headless. She didn't give me it. I'm doing a bit and as I'm walking out, the woman goes, she goes, fuck you, you suck. And the door just shuts and I was like,

All right. And I just heard a woman go, I think you're doing great. That hurt worse. That's worse. Because I was like pitied. Yeah, yeah. It was terrible. There's no green room at that Roosters, right? No. You have to stay outside. Outside. Yeah. You hear about this comic Erica Rhodes, what happened at High School. Yeah, what was that? I like Erica. So she went for a walk and they just unbooked her. Because there was no green room in the club. So she just takes a walk and then she comes back and they're like, you're unbooked.

Yeah, but there's a green room at that hyena's. Yeah, I know. Maybe there's like another room there. I don't know. Huh. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, how do you go find her? How do you, I mean, look, maybe she shouldn't have walked away, but how do you not do a show without her? Isn't she the headliner? Yeah. They brought someone else, I guess. That's crazy. There's always comics hanging around.

Waiting for their big shot. Yeah. Like just here to support, but they really just want you to not be able to do it. They want you to have a stroke and not be able to go up there. Maybe the headliner will. Yeah, just came here to check you out. They used to pay people back in the day, like the strip of those clubs on weekends in case a comic didn't make it. And you just like got a hangout spot. Right.

Well, you always hear those old stories of like, oh, Sandler didn't show. Get up there, kid. And there's a guy with a cigar with his feet up going, you got it. Yeah. I mean, that happens at the store, but we're already paid regular. So it's like I had a show in the belly room. And then the sound guy's like, yo, man, this guy, you forgot what date it was. I need you to go in there and do 10. I'm like, all right. So there's a lot of scrambling like that. Yeah. But it's never like, you young whippersnapper, you've got what it takes. Totally. Get on there. Yeah, yeah.

I had the thing in Hilarities recently, because now the special came out, and now people are coming. It's great. But then there's still the people who just go to see the show. And then this woman, I heard her say, I did not sign up for this. And she got up, and four dudes with backward white hats were like, get the fuck out, bitch. Go. How great is that, that you have people fighting for you now? Yeah, yeah. I'm telling these guys, fuck.

Sometimes you get shit on in the comments or whatever, because I do this works on stuff show where I'm doing jokes off of a pad because I'm working on it. And some people are like, why is he holding the paper? And then people are like, yo, he's working on shit, you dumb piece of shit. It's just his process, stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people like caping for you now. Yeah, but then you can't be like, yeah, get her, boys. You know, like in the moment. You're right. She is a bitch, and she's flat as hell. Right.

They take it way too far. You're like, Jesus. Yeah. You're like, we're with her now. That's like the best club hilarity. God, it's so good. That's in my top five, I think. Cleveland. I should do it. I've never done it before. Great food. Great room. That old man is the best. Oh, Nick. Legendary. Love Nick. One of the best. I went there. I did a theater there last time I was there, and I just went and had dinner with them after, and it was like the best fucking hang. Of course, Vitor, we're leaving. I was like, man, great meal, great hang. Vitor's like, I give the meal like a B+. Fuck you, Gary. Yeah.

He's such a foodie. He's such a food snob. It was good food. It's good food. Really good. Really good food. For clubs, it's like the best. I did the theater there, the Agora, and I went to the club and they fed me. Yeah. Same here. Oh, really? I was getting drunk. It was great. Oh, yeah. Sam and Nick. Nick. They're the two best. Sam sat me down at the end of the weekend and he's like, hey, you want us to tell your agents how much you made? And I was like, yeah, right? That's what you do. Oh, that's great. Hold on. Hold on. Here's your check. Here's your check.

And then here's another check. Whoa. We're going to tell him about this check. What a guy. Yeah, dude. I don't know what you'd be saying that. Yeah, we shut him fire. Let's cut that out for you. Nah, fuck him. All right. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, your agent doesn't listen. No, no. Not to my voicemails. Yeah, nothing. That's the best. That's one of the best clubs, though, ever. Great club. It's so rare that people actually give a fuck. Mm-hmm.

Like that. Where they really care and they will like watch your set and they'll notice every little thing and they tape the shows. Yeah. Every club, listen to that. Do this shit. I know. It's Greeks. Greeks run the best clubs. Oh, it's Greek. They're Greek. Comedy on State, Greeks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What is it about Greek people that just love? They run business as well. Yeah. Diners. Yeah. Not their country. You know that building the Comedy on State's in is called the Paris building? They own that entire building. Really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. I was just there. That club is fucking... It's magical. Yes, it is. It's one of the great... Two albums I did there. Yeah. Oh, yeah? That's how hot the... You ever done that one? Coming Out State? Yeah. I've only done it once. I want to go back. Everyone wants back. Yeah. Yeah, I had a good time, man. It's like they just treat you right, man. That's a...

Great food. It's just a good city. It's just a good... Even Anna? Yeah. Even Anna. Shout out. Like, New York has great food at all our comedy clubs, which is not a thing in LA, really. You know what I mean? Like, the stand has great food, the cellar. True. This is something I've noticed about New York.

That's the one. That's it. That's it. Caroline's didn't update their menu in like 20 years. I remember when we were young comics, that chicken parma. Oh, my God. Then you get older. You're like, this is fucking bad. Yeah. You feel like hell after. But yeah, two clubs of good food. Yeah. Just two. I thought it was everything. Popcorn and hot dogs.

Yeah, but that's good. You don't want people eating spaghetti. Yeah, I don't want to look. I don't want to be on stage and see someone cutting into a skirt steak. It's fucking pungent. It's like you can't even talk over the sizzling. I was at a club last night and like eight pizzas came out, right, during your, and you're like, not only are they not paying attention because they're cutting the slices and they're peeling off a pepperoni, but now their mouth is full of food. So I'm like, am I bombing or are you hungry? You don't want there to be ideally food in the crowd.

No. They do the gigs where they have the prime rib dinner, and then also there's a comedy show. Yes. Those are big in the mountain time zone. Yeah. People are just coming up and getting more ground beef. Oh, yeah. You're standing behind them. I know. And then they don't even get a show, because they're just like, oh, who got the jalapeno poppers? Pass that over here. Then the guy's just going nuts on wings, and then the show's over. Right. And you're like, you never left, because you were too busy, you know. Stuffing their face. Going down on that.

Talk taco salad. Yeah, those better be corporate gigs. We were making stupid money Otherwise like don't fucking yeah, you want to work on she's with the right ever paid like $200 and you had to split gas with the headliner Yeah, what's the best corporate you've done like it was actually fun a good one a good one It's 99 9 out of 10 bad for me. I know I know say yeah I had one really good one and that but here's the kicker is like it was like this They had me at a steakhouse. It was like a night. They were like oh

giving out like there was a scotch sampling woman so she's like getting me oh i kill they bring me back next year and the mic doesn't work and i it's like i couldn't have topped the first year right went perfect i come back the mic doesn't work and i'm trying to i'm trying to scream my jokes and i just eat shit and uh and i just lost all the the legend of that show was right right

It was a paycheck though, right? It was good. Yeah. All right. It wasn't a corporate, but it was, uh, there's a bunch of jam bands in Colorado and they have this big Christmas party, all these bands. And this guy was a fan. He's like, Hey, do you want to come to our Christmas party? It's good check. You know? I was like, for sure. I get there and he has a Santa suit and he's like, yeah, put this on. Uh, we'll come back and get you. And I'm like, what? And he's like, Oh, they didn't tell you. I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, yeah, you'll be Santa and people will come up and, uh, we give everyone a present. They're going to open it. They'll sit on your lap.

And that's the show. You kind of riff on it. And I was like, what? So I go up there and the first person who comes up is a woman wearing like one of those. It's like made of mesh. Oh, yeah. You can see her enormous breasts. And she comes up there and they gave her a dildo. And she's like, I know what to do with this. And then she fucking starts fucking herself with the dildo while she's sitting on my lap. What? Yeah, yeah. That was like the first person who came out. And that's how you met your wife. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

I like that you thought you had a gig and they turned you into fucking Steve Schrippa from Sopranos. You're doing the fucking Santa. I'm shy. Damn, dude. That's wild. It was good. It was a good gig. I did it the next year, too. Did you do a set? No, I just sat up there and did a riff on whatever the present was. Yeah. Well, the next year, we were like, where's that mesh lady? Right, yeah. She OD'd after the last show. It was bad ketamine.

Yeah, I've done some bad. I did a corporate gig. They paid crazy money. This is a long time ago, so I needed the money. They put me in a limo to Philadelphia. It was at like the Four Seasons Ballroom. They bought me a tuxedo. They fed me. It was for pharmaceutical awards. That was the whole show. I was the host of this award show. So not only did I have to do jokes up top, but I had to do like, okay, the winner this year goes to...

Orenthal for sleep apnea. These are hard to say names, too. Yeah. You gotta say OJ. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Killing the most wives. You think Ozempic's going to sweep at the next one? It'll sweep, yeah. Viagra was up there, Xanax, all the class. Benton Hall kills it every year. But it was like a three-hour gig, and I got fired within 15 minutes. That's not bad, 15 minutes. Yeah, well, they were like, be clean. I did my act. I had a joke about how vibrators are like self-checkout.

Kind of. And this lady gets up, walks out, and they go, that was the CEO's wife. She's furious. Oh, no. So then like Bob from accounting had to go up there and be like, oh, so... Just terrified? Yeah. You ever do a college... I got paid. You ever do a college gig where you forget how young these kids are? Like they're children, you know? Like they're young adults and like...

they're bringing you up and they're like trembling they're part of the organization that brought you out there like we're so excited to bring out this person and then they don't know to say your name last they're like Sam Morrell's coming out he's fantastic he's been on Conan he's been on blah blah blah here he is

And you go, thank you. Thank you so much. That was unnecessary. But I could have done a better job at this. But they mean well. They do. Those kids are adorable. Bill Burr came to my college when I was a freshman. And they let me open. That's awesome. He was really cool. But it was a fucking, I don't know, 1,100 seater and 80 kids showed up. Whoa. And they were spread out. It was like a bad gig. That's like inspiring. And he was fucking amazing. He had like...

Bits I'd never, I don't even know if they were in specials, but he had a bit about, remember when the Pistons and the Pacers had that fight? Oh, the Malice in the Palace. He had a bit about it. He's like, I fucking loved it. He's like, I loved it. He's like, because what do you say to these athletes? Fuck you, come up here. He's like, well, they came up there. Yeah. I loved that take on it. I know. And to have topical stuff at a college with 80 people is fun. He was fucking great. Have you seen the doc on Malice in the Palace? Oh, yeah. Yes. It's so good. So good.

All those Untold or whatever those are, those are all killer. Excellent.

I opened for Eugene Merman at the Colorado School of Mines, which is like an engineering school. I've done that school. Yeah, it's a good gig. But it was the one week of the year they have off, so they banned water bottles because the year before they came in with vodka in the water bottles. Yeah, so people were drinking vodka. I saw them in the crowd out of plastic bags that they'd tape to their bodies. So I go up. I have a good time. I'm goofing with the kids. And then Eugene Merman goes up there, and some kid is like, Bob's Burgers! Oh.

do the voice and he's like i will not be doing the voice this evening do the voice though he's like i will not and then it just was 45 minutes of kids screaming at him oh him refusing to do the voice yeah that's that bittersweet shit where you're like hey i made a bunch of money i got a great gig but then that's all they want oh yeah it was tough on him poor guy he's funny

He's very fun. I saw him open for someone at Caroline's when I was a kid, and he was fucking hilarious. Yeah. He was awesome. He had that comedy festival that he ran. Oh, yeah. That's right. Is it still going on or no? I don't think so. He's off. But if you want to send me 40 bucks, I'll pass your tape along. VHS. Yeah, I'll give you my demo. Yeah, Merman. I opened for Pete Holmes there. Oh, wow. Boy, did I eat shit. Yeah? Yeah. It was bad. Ooh. That was, you know, new.

So what can people, both on YouTube, Sam Talent. Yeah, yours is already out. Mine's out. Yeah. It's on Matt and Shane's secret podcast page. That's awesome. Hell yeah. Kind of like you did with Doug Key. Yeah. Yeah, bigger platform. Carmen Lynch. Yeah. Mine's just on my YouTube. So youtube.com slash Fahiman or. There you go. Yeah. I just put out a travel show on my YouTube. Nice. SamTalent.com. Really? Sam Talent on YouTube. Yeah, check that out. I'm proud of it. Definitely chop yours up for clips, man. I am. Caption it. Because honestly, it's.

It's cool that yours has so many views already, but you're going to get even more people via clips. You'll have one clip that pops off and does 12 mil or something. You'll be surprised. I would be surprised if 12 people watched a clip. It's good shit. I have been, but then your grid is just you in the same outfit in front of the same backdrop. I am. I just put it out today. Check out my album, The Headless Asian. All right.

But yeah. Well, get some bodega cat. Sorry, I'm hung over. I feel like I dragged ass on this show. Sorry, I'm late. I feel so shitty about it. This is the one I was stoked for. Then Turner's like, hey, how about you do 15 before you do the good one? Okay. Thanks, Turner. Have fun over there in your ivory castle, buddy. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a good guy. Out in L.A. Get out of here. And Sam is on the road. See him in Timonium. I believe that's Magoobie's, right? Yeah, yeah. Stand Up Live or Tempe Improv? Desert Ridge Improv. Woo! Yeah, the new one. Levittown, New York. Yeah, how's that? How's Governors? It's a fight. Good. A night fight. Oh, good. You'll have fun. Yeah, it's a classic. Traverse is a good comedy town. Fort Worth, Vancouver. Arcata? Arcata? Arcata, yeah. Northern California. Hood River. You're hitting it. Oh, where are you playing? Seattle. Seattle.

Sorry? Where are you playing in Seattle? I don't remember. Oh, okay. Well, I'm from there. The good one, I hope. Yeah. Go to Sam's website. Yeah, yeah. I need to get ticket links on most of those, but hey, it's the thought that counts. Go to NOLA. I'll give you some good recs. Dude, it's my favorite city in the country. Get out of here. I've been there once a year since I was like 14. Hell yeah. My wife proposed to me there. Whoa. It's the best, man. What? You've never been? I've never been. Oh, boy. I'll take you. It's like Montreal with black people.

I love both of those. I love Montreal and Black People. Yeah, I think this comes out next. Yeah, so Salt Lake and then the special. But yeah, that's all. See you in Salt Lake this week. Edit a late show on Thursday. Nice. And then the special. And I'm probably going to chill for a minute. Chill. You earned it. I probably won't. You're filming out the Wilbur? Yeah. That's cool, man. It's going to be fun. It's one of the great rooms, too. I love it. Yeah, no, we did it last year. And it's always somewhere I've kind of been. I'm like, I fucking...

Love how intimate it is. Yeah. They've got seats. I'm pumped. It's one of the best. All right. Raleigh, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlottesville, El Paso, Albuquerque, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Buffalo, Vianney, Annapolis, Madison, Louisville. So Los Angeles, we're doing that Netflix Fest. You guys doing that? I passed on the offer. Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Shit. Shit.

I'm sure you're in the Nokia Theater or something. No. I was at the UCB that's not actually in Hollywood at 6 o'clock. Oh, geez. Sorry. No, it's all right. All right. I'm doing that Dr. Phil show with Adam. Oh, that's awesome. He's blowing up. Oh, yeah. God, he's so good. I think we're having him on here soon. Oh, yeah. You got that right. He's so good at that. I don't even want Adam. I'm like, bring Phil and keep Adam at the door. No, I'm just kidding. We love you, Adam. And yeah. Keep him at the door.

Keep on keeping on. Bodega, Patreon, Special, Afghan Hound. Toad's Morale. Toad's Morale. YouTube. Buy Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. And we love you guys. Watch both of their specials. Sam Tallon for He-Man War. Both very funny guys. And we'll see you next week. Nice. Sunday's the day for my spender. And Norman's talking shit and posing the same way.

Up on the roof like you're dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't remember her truth.