Ep 164: Brad Williams & Gold Rush
02:01:51 Share

Hey, hey, we might be drunk, folks. Happy January? Are we in January? We're in January. All right. We're rocking. Man, this was a little nasty New York day. Oh, man. The snow last night was beautiful. I woke up and I went outside and it's all sludge. It's like a hangover. Yes. It's a snow hangover. The sludge. That's perfect. Yeah.

I'm watching my cat on the windowsill. The snow is falling with a street light. It's beautiful. Then you go out today and it's just fucking jizz and miscarriage and placenta. I stepped in placenta. It was gross. I mean, it's disgusting. Gotta get the boots. Oh, I thought it was a fart was coming. Later, later. Yeah, yeah, but that sludge is no joke. You gotta either stick or don't stick. You can't be in the middle. I think the salt's fucking it up. I kind of love it. I mean, I haven't broke out snowshoes in like...

I think I wore them all last year. Oh, they're fun. Yeah, well, the warming. The global warming. We had a fun moment last night. Me and the Q's did the Comedy Dojo. And I'm on stage and I hear beep, beep, beep, beep. Like from outside. Smoke alarm? No. Tow truck. And I go, we parked in a handicap.

And I just... There's only one spot left in the whole club. Yeah. And he's, you know, we arrived late and the only spot left was handicapped, so we took it. Oh, yeah. We didn't think twice until... I see this guy beeline out the fucking door to get the... to stop the tow truck guy. Turns out it was a salt truck. Oh.

But I'm a southern queef. I don't know anything about salts. That's like my old bit. Remember that joke? Having sex, it's like finding a parking spot for a woman buying a car. That's in the Joker. Yeah, it's in the Joker. There's a spot. There's another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. That's a great joke. Handicapped. Hope no one sees this.

Old school. That's a great joke. I got to tell you, I went to community college for a stint, not bragging, and there was a Down syndrome gal who was kind of hot. Yeah? She had huge cans, huge, you know, retarded jugs, and I got to tell you, the guys were all over. Really? I couldn't do it. Did they hook up with her? I don't know, but they were pretty touchy-feely in the back row. Yeah.

What the hell? She was cute. I mean, she had a killer body. She, you know, she would eat anything. If you put anything in front of her, she'd put it in her mouth. So, I mean, it was a shoo-in. You talk about her like I talk about Winnie. Who's got peanut butter? Yeah. Yeah, that's a... This is the Down Syndrome Victoria's Secret Mile. No, that was a big story for a while. Is it okay is the question. That's the question. I think it's like a spectrum probably, right? I mean... Ah, true. True.

Is it full Downs or is it partially Downs? Yeah, I think you have to be the judge. I don't know. I mean, look, I could be wrong on this. I'm just, you know. Well, she would say I want to be treated like an equal, maybe. Did she say that? I have it in writing. You wrote it. She signed it. It was in a crayon. Mark, do you have a Victoria's Secret Downs joke? I do. I just said I'd go Downs on her. You know, easy, quick, in and out. I had something else like that, too. It was like...

Fuck, I don't remember. It was a Barbie Down Syndrome one time. I had something too. I don't remember. Yeah. What

What I like about Wynne is she's up, she's like alert. She could just sit down and enjoy the day, but she's like up on her feet in case anything goes down. She's usually asleep. I think she'll pass out in a minute. It's a lot of stimulus in here. She's like one of us. She's up for now, but she'll pass out. She sees the mic, she's got to be on. Also, Salchews looks like a bulldog, so you never know if...

She's threatened. I didn't bring it up yet, but what happened with your NFL memes thing? Yeah. It's pretty outrageous. Pretty egregious. Well, they all do that. All those memes people did that. I was just, you know, I had a couple in me. I was like, let me tweet. But yeah, no, people tagged me. So I was like, oh, I knew they did it. But look, the Jerry Jones thing, a bunch of people could have come up with. It's fine. But they know. But I was the first to post it, I think. That's why it went so hard. Got like 15K retweet or maybe more. I don't know.

But, oh, look at that. That's the chicken parm joke. You always look me up wrong because I feel like it's always... It's not X. Are you sure? Uh-oh. Fake account? No, it's you. No, that's me, but I feel like this happened last time. Yeah, I stink. That one's got 10K. What? Oh, that's a Will Smith joke. Wait. This is like all 2022. I don't know how to do this.

Wait, 2022? That's what I said. He doesn't know what the hell is it. I'm confused. Sam Rill X. There it is. Boom. Try Twitter, maybe? Well, maybe you got a fraudulent account. No, that's me, I think. That was my face. Okay.

Sam and Link. All right. Well, this is a good pod. Yeah. Never mind. All right. Well, either way. But what's cool about the stealing now is if you call it out, then you get a little blow up from just calling it out. Well, yeah. I posted it months ago. Everyone tagged me in it because I wrote, yeah, dude, what the fuck is... I don't get why this is... Oh, boy. You might have to edit this out. Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, well, I tweeted something months ago. It was that fucking agent. You can tag it in probably. The guy, maybe you can't. I don't know. The chicken parm or three. Yeah, three veal parms we walk, which is pretty specific. Veal parms. And then he did the same thing but added capiche. So I got tagged in it. And then I posted another one. Yeah, it's a whatever, but it got a lot of posts because it was quick. Yeah. And then the Jerry Jones one was, what was it?

Civil rights. Oh, yeah, yeah. He hasn't been this upset since the Civil Rights Act. And then that went pretty hard, and then he posted the exact—like, the same wording, too. So I'm like, dude, you know—

I guess like brown versus board. If you did something slightly different, I'll give it to you. But it was the same wording again. So I just posted both of them side by side. And he was like, all you had to do was say... He DMed me. All you had to do was say something. And I tagged you. I tagged you. But it's like that way they tag you where no one can see it. Yes, exactly. So I was like, why am I responding to this dweeb? But I have no respect for these people. They're just fucking...

They just... They're like curators. They're not even... They're not like... But what bugs me is that they want credit for being witty. Yes. They don't... If they just posted other... Like, Tank Sinatra's a good one because he'll post his own shit, his creative stuff. And then if he posts your shit, he'll give you credit. Yes. So, like, that's fine, right? But it just bugs me the fact that they're like...

They want it all. They want it all. You don't want to do any of the work, but you want all the like, wow, you're so clever. Yeah. You're not. You poach. Yes, they poach and they still want the pat on the back. It's bullshit. So I just, look, I don't really care, but I just, I'll trash them. Every once in a while I'll be like, you're a fucking loser. And then it come at you. All you had to do was talk to me or whatever. It's like, all you had to do was not steal my shit. And also they've heard it. They know that they know what they're doing is, is shady. You just heard on the Cat Williams podcast. You don't steal.

Yes! Stop stealing jokes. Well, you know what makes me sleep better at night is like the fat Jew.

Where's he now? You know? He was the biggest thing. He was at Uncut Gems. He was all over the place. I'll tell you where he is. He got a fucking rosé made, and we can't get distribution for Bodega Cat. What the fuck is going wrong in the world, Mark? What the hell? I didn't know he had a rosé. He has a white girl rosé. Oh, jeez. That's him. Don't buy that shit. That guy stinks. He stinks, but I feel like I don't hear about him anymore, and I think that's how the dog comes out in the wash, baby. Yeah. The fat Jew. Okay.

Ah, you turncoat piece of garbage. You fucking, you can't find a tweet, you fucking photograph in the fat dude, you stink, Salacuse. Then a dick. Look, she's down now. Hey, there we go. All right. Glad you got comfortable. How is this charming? I shot this. Is this Stavros? I know, but like, yeah, Stav, it's charming. Look at this fucking clown. And it's like too much, the covering the balls. And we're giving him too much shine here. Enough's enough. Buffalo sauce bill. Ha ha ha.

Hey. Guy stinks. All right. That guy's going to steal that and go Buffalo Sauce Billy. What? What the hell? Yeah, yeah. So I was just also I was in like kind of a mood because like, look, we did six shows at the Punchline Philly. I had a great time because, look, I love Philly crowds. But like it was it was the the ceilings are so high in the club that it was kind of tough to like get momentum. So I get off stage. You ever get off stage and you're just like mad at yourself?

Sure. In a way where you just start stuffing your face with the green room candy. Yes. Alcohol won't even fill the hole. You need to be a child again. Yeah, well, you better take it easy. You're going to be the fat Jew. Keep eating those Snickers. But yeah, no, I'm with you. I've been there. The stress eating, and then there's the stress drinking. That's also bad. Speaking of stress drinking, I sent you what they have in the green room postage shit. This is pretty cool. They have a Keurig.

It's a Keurig, but for liquor. So they have gin, rum, everything. Look at that. I'm making a Bodega Cat sidecar. You put in a pod for the mixer.

Whoa. Isn't that crazy? How'd it taste? It was pretty fucking good. Oh, my God. If you get that and a sex robot, you're getting fucked and a cocktail made for you. I say we combine the two. Yes. Let's get two in one. Yeah. My only critique on this is it's cool for a party, probably. Yeah. But then you want one that can make it. It's kind of slow. Kind of slow. Yeah, kind of like that girl you wanted to fuck back in the day. Oh.

Also, you do, I mean, let's be honest, you miss this. What's that? Oh, yeah. How was that, BJ? Oh, pretty good. You know, you get a little mixology, the guy with the mustache, the suspenders. I like when you're making the drinks. I agree, and I like making a drink, and that's kind of, and I have in my rider, they have to have vermouth, bodega cat, and bitters. I make a fucking, I like making a drink backstage. There you go.

But also, even with my coffee, I like to... Something about the Keurig just... It doesn't do it for me. It's soulless. It's cool. I enjoyed it. But it is... And also, it's shitty. It's bad for the environment. True. The pods will get you. Yeah. It's sex with a prostitute. It's like, you're getting there, but... It's a sex robot. A prostitute will still get you there. That's true. She's got a history. She smells a certain way. There's an accent. Usually Eastern Bloc.

But, yeah, the prostitute's still got a personality. That's true. She's been through some shit, and as comedians, I relate to them. Yeah. I just think, like, the Keurig just tastes like shit. I've had people be like, it's good coffee. I'm like, you fucking... I mean, like, I'll drink it. Like, we have it here. I'll drink it here. But, like, I want to...

I want to make my own coffee. I like when I got that grind and brew thing at home. Oh, yeah. Grinds the beans. You use that? No, I got to get that. Got to get that. Ari's got that fucking beaker thing that you know where you swirl it. It's called a nose. Is it a nose? Woo, you're hot today, baby.

Yeah. Ari's got that honker or whatever that thing is. You know, the beaker that swirls around and then he pours it out. It's really good. Oh, is that like, not a French press, is it? No, no. Give this a gook. It's like high-end coffee pretentious shit. But man, is the coffee strong as hell. I miss Ari. I haven't seen him for fucking ever. Yeah. Do you see him outside of the Rogan stuff or no? Well, he's in the tunnels, so I don't know what he's up to.

No, he's around. He's doing Adrian Iapolucci specials, so he texted me the other day and we had a phone call. Oh, yeah. He's doing The Road. He texted me the other day, but I just don't see him that much is what I'm saying. That's the one. That one with that weird... Oh, my God. Yeah, it's like mad scientist shit. That plus his beard, it's Rick and Morty over there. How many stars does it have? That's got to... All five. One review. Oh, one review. That's...

Sorry. Yeah. This is a Kobe joke. But yeah. I love the... What was the influence behind the old school Patrick Ewing wallpaper? You changed it up. It used to be Dog Day, right? I think Chad Daniels was talking about Patty. I can't remember why, but I just love the thing at the bottom. It says...

Starting October 26th, the New York skyline will never be the same. I mean, that's gold. It's great. Off by a month or so. Well played. Well played. Yeah. But it is a beautiful old shot. Seems pro-New York, but you're mocking the history of New York. Yeah. And the victims. Wow. Just kidding. No, I love that picture. That's old school, man. Mm-hmm. He was the fucking king. He was my... I almost wore a Ewing shirt today. Really? I had... Yeah, I was looking. I was like this and this, but I went long-sleeved just because of the weather, but... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Ewan was my guy. He was the man. I mean, it feels like NFL is heating up more than NBA. I mean, the playoffs, babe. Well, it's the time of year. I mean, something about playoffs. I mean, you're a fucking Buffalo guy, Matt. In the...

The playoffs. I don't know, but that was probably winning. In the snow, man. Oh, yeah. I think of that iconic Brady Patriots Raiders game where he's, like, freaking out. They beat the—I mean, it's just—it's in the snow. It's so—yeah, pull up pictures of that one. It's just fucking badass. In the snow.

Raiders. Yeah. I've been to a few football games. One was the Bills. I'll never go back. There's no fucking roof on that stadium. It's the coldest city in America. I think I got hypothermia. Holy hell. Get on in here. Get on in here. Our guest. What?

We started, so pop on over, baby. I mean, look at that shit, though. That's wild. Brad, you're a football fan, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking about the Bills, Ali. We got to pull Brad up. Get Brad at the Broncos game. This is killer. Yes, yes. Good to see you, dude.

And we got your favorite drink coming up. I'm going to make us some drinks. We have some coffee just to be... Good to see you, man. Thanks for coming in. Look at you. You're early. Yeah, I'm early. I walked in through the foot of snow, which is really a drag for me. Well, we tried to get a doggy door installed for you, but... Something. Something.

Oh, my God. I am definitely a West Coast guy in New York because I don't have the right shoes. I got my Skechers slip-ons, which are delightful on the West Coast. But then East Coast, I'm stepping in puddles. Yeah. I got freaking my ankles are frostbitten. You don't look at the weather before you come to? I just know cold. But, like, West Coast cold is like, ah, it's like 40. Like, it's not wind and wet.

Are you from Denver? No, I'm from Orange County, California, but I'm a lifelong Broncos fan. What about the North Pole elves? What are they doing? Oh, my God. They got something else. I guess so. Yeah, they're trained. I don't know. Hey, dad jokes. Kids don't like them. Yeah.

Kids don't like them. That's great. Yeah, this is when the Denver Broncos, they really are hard for celebrity fans. They don't have a lot. So they got. Did they hook you up? Yeah, they got me. So they gave me tickets, field passes. Woo!

It's like me and Angela from The Office. Maybe. That's it. The Aurora shooter. Yeah. Yeah, maybe them. That's about it in terms of celebrity fans. So my advice to young up-and-coming influencers, comics, whatever, is to pick a team that nobody likes. Ah, the Saints. Yeah. So you can be a Saints fan. Yeah. Because who else is a Saints fan? It's me and...

Yeah, I don't know. Jared from Subway. I don't know. It's me and Cosby. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, so that's it. Don't go like New York Giants, New York Jets. Unfortunately, I'm a Giants fan. See, you're so far down the list. And that's just – wait, I'm also just fucking watching that team this year. Jesus Christ. If I ever see this again, I'm going to kill myself.

This shit was just... Pull up this guy. The dad and the agent, it was too fucking much. It's kind of funny, though, when you're losing and you at least get funny shit, you know? Yeah, because then you're like, oh, okay, my team sucks, but I get a scene from The Sopranos in the stands where they're just doing that thing. Wait, I haven't seen this. You haven't seen this guy? No, no. Oh, this guy, Tommy DeVito. He was like a third string quarterback. They call him Tommy Cutlets. His fan...

That's his agent, by the way. That's his agent. Oh, that's his agent. But his agent just got inducted into the National Italian-Americans Hall of Fame. Ha ha ha!

So it's like, first of all, how hit up were they? Yeah. They're like, oh, Tommy DeVito's agent? We've known who he is for three days? Wow. Yeah, get him into the Hall of Fame. Between him and Vincent Pastore. Do you have a vowel that ends your name? You're in. Wow. Who's next? Mike Birbiglia? Jesus. Holy shit, he is Italian. Oh, yeah. You're Italian. I know.

I'm Sicilian, but Birbiglia had that great joke back in the day. He's like, I wouldn't say I'm Italian. I'm like Olive Garden Italian, which is such a perfect line. By the way, you know who's Italian? Who's that? Nate Bargatze. That's true. Bargatze. But he doesn't play it up. No, he doesn't. All you have to do is play it up. It's funny. They get mad about stereotypes, but then the first guy they fucking induct, they're like, don't you stereotype us. This guy's like, oh.

Yeah. Oh, he's fucking my own. We're not mobsters. Hold on. I'm getting a call later. Come on. It's like, yeah. Nate Bargatze plays up the Tennessee thing way, way more than the Italian thing. Right. That's so true.

Yeah. Now, I got to ask, because you go to the Denver game. They fucking go nuts. They love it. They love you. It must be nice. You just make people happy, right? When you show up. Pull up the clip of him dancing. Yeah. It's from my Instagram. They put it on the big screen, me dancing. But yeah, no, it's great. It's nice to be someone that when I show up, people are like, ah!

Yeah. This guy's here. Totally. I mean. It's not the opposite. I mean, you have your hardships in other ways, obviously. But as a guy who shows up. You never have to buy a first class ticket. That's got to be nice, right? Never. Wow. Although I will say this, man. I will say this with the first class tickets. On my flight out here in New York. There it is. Right there in the middle.

Yeah. What do you go, overhead bin? Look at him go. Yeah. And they even put Brad Williams' comedian on the big screen. So, like, you know, all right, this isn't just a random dancing dwarf. This isn't a seizure. They're going nuts, right? Yeah, the place is going nuts. Here's the thing that is amazing. The guy sitting next to me on my left...

He's an older guy. He's got mutton chops. Oh, yeah. And he's lip syncing to Who Let the Dog Go? And I think that might be the most progressive thing I've ever seen. That guy, shout out to that guy. His name is Rob. He's actually a master distiller of whiskey. Whoa, Robby, hit us up. Yeah.

He distills Metallica's whiskey. What? Blackened. Yes. And yeah, it's a great whiskey. He's a friend of mine. I took him to the game. Hey, sir. And your favorite drink is a Gold Rush, we heard. Yeah. Cheers. And he looks like a prospector. Cheers, man. When you want some. Oh, I've never had a Gold Rush. Oh, it's delightful.

That's good. You made it well. Really? Good job. Yeah, it's a little honey syrup, a little lemon juice, and a little bodega whiskey. You got that right. Hold on. It's kind of like in the same. Oh. Very good. Give him a sponsorship. It's like the same neighborhood of a whiskey sour, kind of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's good. Sometimes you can throw a little ginger in there if you're feeling fancy. This is good. Blackened. I thought that was Rachel Dolezal's whiskey. All right. I'll see you guys next week.

Okay. No, but I was saying with the whole every seat's first class on the flight over here, this is a pet peeve of mine. It's like, all right, I get it that the seats can go back. The coach seats can go back. They have that capability. If you're sleeping, okay. But the lady behind me or the lady in front of me just slammed the seat back hard as she could. My water bottle went flying because it was on the tray table. And then she didn't like.

Sleep. She just sat straight up, not even putting her back against it. And I'm like, no, you what? You fucking sleep. Yeah, you got to lean on that lady. That's a peeve when they keep hitting it. And I'm like, it's all the way back. It's back, bitch. And that's me with no legs. My tall friends, they sit back. You sit back. They slam the seat into you. And then they look back like, well, excuse me. And it's like, that's your fucking legs. You can't stop.

that. You're like, oh, sorry, my legs were in the way. Well, this is the debate as old as time. Do you recline or do you not recline? Which one is right and which one is wrong? I say you recline if you're sleeping. Okay. Like if you're using it. Right. Like if you're actually using it. But even so, just a courteous look back.

I agree. Of like, what's up? Are you okay? And a slow descent. Slow. Don't slam it down. I like that. A slow descent. You ever see the people where they throw, there's people with long hair where they throw the hair behind? Oh!

Now I have to part your hair to watch Succession? Like a curtain. You do that, I'm pulling your hair. I think that's only fair. Right. And that's how you tell the flight attendant you need service, is you yank on the hair, the person screams, and then the flight attendant comes back. I think that works out well. Are you alcohol on a flight? Coffee on a flight? What do you drink? Oh, I'm...

Alcohol if it's an afternoon flight. Really? But I'm a tea drinker. I don't drink coffee. Oh. So I have a tea, you know, and I ask for a little cream and they give me a little separate cup for the bag and I feel very fancy. Okay. Now I'm going to sound like an asshole. I bring my own tea on the flights. Oh.

Here we go. Because I don't like their tea. It's very basic. It's very... Like an English breakfast, a chamomile. So you're like a tea snob. I want to know what the good tea is. In the winter, occasionally, I'll do some tea. Yeah. I don't have brands. I just kind of look at it. If it's got a fancy label, I go, yeah, that one. Oh.

Well, like what flavors are we talking about? Oh, if you got like a ginger green tea, I'm all over that. All right, baby. I'm all over that. Or like Earl Grey, but I got syrups at my house, so I'll make like an Earl Grey with lavender syrup.

It's delightful. Wow, you're like a mixologist with tea. I am. It's pretty great. And then I got British friends and I tell them about the teas I'm making. They're like, you're shit. By the hat, I could tell you had British friends, by the way. Hey, Roy. I look like a lawn jockey. When they have tea in the green room sometimes, especially when you're doing like...

A lot of shows. I mean, they had throat coat. I was like, that's a good fucking flavor on a tea. It's a good idea, too. That's a good tea. Yeah. That's what I called my ex in college. Throat coat. Remember when it went viral that Nancy Reagan was called Throat Goat? Yes. What a weird fucking rumor that she gave the best blowjobs, they said. There's no way they used the word goat back in the 80s. No, no. It's recent. Oh, okay. Now they say throat. Yeah, they weren't saying throat goat. Okay.

The throat goat. The only people using that back in the day were like pervy farmers, I think. So like she gave such a good blowjob that Reagan lost his memories. She sucked the memories out of him. He's got nothing left in there. It must have been other people because I doubt Ronald was being like, you know who sucks a good dick? My wife. Yeah, there had to be someone else. Because remember there was that woman who wrote the book like 10 years ago, Soup Ahead.

No. She had sex with all the... Amber Rose? No, not her. I don't remember her name, but she wrote a book about all the dudes she'd slept with. It was like all the rappers, all the athletes. Yeah, Corinne Steffens. Oh, wow. All the rappers, all the athletes, and Bill Maher. Hey! Who's apparently huge downtown. Yeah, well endowed. Really? Oh, yeah, real talk. You're like, really? You're going to suck me off. Oh, really? Yeah.

here's the thing. Okay. It's going to go down on me. She's going to cup the balls. It's going to feel good. Am I going to come? No. He's fucking her. She's like, Oh God. He's like, Oh yeah, God, that's an idea. But,

By the way, my impression of Bill Maher is just me doing an impression of Kyle Dunn. Yeah, me too. Me too. He does the best one. He is the king. So shout out to him. Did you see the clip of Rogan trying to show Bill Maher the impression? Yes. He hated it. And he threatened to walk out, which I'm like, dude, just – You're a comedian. It's an impression. Yeah. He's sitting there like, I don't sound like that at all.

Oh, really? You think that's me? That's what you think I sound like? Absolutely not. Yeah, so that's him and Supahead. By the way, what a nickname. Supahead. What a nickname. You better bring the heat, though. It's kind of like, because Pete Davidson's got that joke about how Ariana Grande told everyone he had a huge dick, and now he's cursed to be like whenever he shows it to a woman. Cursed? Well, no, no.

No, hear me out. Sounds like a blessing. Look, it's a first world problem, but he says now whenever he shows it to someone, they're always going to be a little disappointed because of the reputation of being huge. Right. So it's almost like you better bring the heat with every beat. You can't have an off day. That's like the exact opposite of me because I'm a dwarf. They're just like, holy shit, something over three inches? Wow. Give that guy a participation trophy. Is three inches bad? No.

You know what it's like? It's like when a young comic is like, this next guy is one of the greats. He's amazing. And you're like, no, no, I'm working on new shit. Yeah, new shit. Yeah, I'm going to be bad. Lower the bar. What does Chris Rocco always say when he shows up at the cellar? Lower your expectations. Every time. It's a totally good move, though. It works. Yeah, just like, yeah, I know you're excited, but...

cool it a little bit. Yeah. This is a good drink, by the way. Very nice. I think we've had it once before. I think Beerju made it for us once, but it's really good. I dig it, man. That's one thing I would have loved to have told myself in my younger drinking days is like, because I used to drink like a frat boy, you know, like it's just shots, it's whiskey, cokes, it's all that. I would have been like, hey, man, get like two nice cocktails and that's your night. Right.

Yes. Two nice cocktails that you sip, you enjoy. Get the buzz. Yeah, get the buzz going. That's the problem. When you're young, everyone's a fucking animal. So it's like everyone does this. Then you're the odd man out if you have two drovers. Yeah, because they're all passing around shots of Patron. And you're like, I'll take a Manhattan. It's like...

Now you look like an asshole. And there's certain bars that you go to and you're like, okay, I can order a cocktail at this bar. And there's certain bars that you go to, which is a lot of the bars we probably all went to in our 20s, where you're like, I'm not ordering anything beyond whiskey, Coke, or rum and Coke. That's what they can make you. You're trying to get the most bang for your buck when you're young. And Mark and I always talk about, there's a bar in the East Village called The Continental. Ten bucks for five shots. I don't know if they still do that deal. But dude, you walk in and it was like...

Seriously. He died? Someone died doing that. It was in the front page of the Post. Oh, my God. Well, you can't. You've got to trust the Post. They always have accurate headlines. There's one thing I know as a West Coaster, as a New York Post, never lies. It was Greg Giraldo. Ten shots for five shots for ten bucks?

Yeah, it was bad. At a place called The Continental? Exactly. It's like a classic joint. Yeah. Oh, there's Wiener. Good luck finding that. Wiener was, that was an incredible, have you seen the documentary on him? Yes. I heard it's good. It's incredible. Really? Because it's just insane that he, first off,

comes back. Comes back? He comes back from all the adversity. Yeah. And then he somehow fucks up again. Yes. Wait, he cheated with Tex and then he got, what did he, what was the? No, he cheated, straight up cheated. Straight up cheated, yes. And he got busted originally because he posted a Twitter pic. He did,

It was a classic I don't know how to use Twitter thing. So he posted a picture of him in his underwear. And by the way, he's in pretty good shape. Oh, ripped. He's got a little Bill Maher thing going on. He was doing all right. Nice dong. Dude, if your last name's Wiener. You better be packing. You got to. I don't know. You got to be hanging weights from that thing. Do whatever you can. Get the implant. No, he was looking good. But then what he did the second time was kind of unforgivable. I think he sent the dick pic with the...

With the kid in the background. Which I'm like, have you heard of the crop? Yeah. You've got to crop the picture. No woman's like, oh, cool, he's also a dad. He's a family man. That's not a good move. Yeah. Now, and you guys don't have kids. I've got a daughter. I've never, even while the baby monitor's on, that I can be like, I can get hard.

Right. No. I get it. I cannot do it. So I can't imagine your kid is literally sleeping next to you and you're like, you know what would be a good thing to do right now? Yeah. That's the thought. You're not like living in the moment like, ah, this is great. Me and my kid, we're having a cuddle. It's awesome. It's like, no. Right.

Rock hard. This is what I got to send out. Like, I don't know if he got a boner randomly. He's like, I can't waste this. I'm going to take a photo right now. That's my argument for whenever people are like, oh, you have a baby? I have a dog. And I'm like, yeah, but you could fuck with a dog in the bed. You can't fuck with a baby in the bed. Hey, hey, hey, easy. Wow, I can fuck with that thing next to me in two seconds. Yeah, no. That dog. Oh, shit. That's how she lost the eye.

Hey, Pat. What are you doing here? You better keep Noodle away from my dog here. This is Sam's publicist. Oh, this is my publicist, too. Oh, okay. Hey. I found out yesterday that her name is a verb. It's that if you've been low-shacked, that means you've been hit up a lot for one of her words. Yes, that's true. That is true. Urban dictionary. I saw...

When you have a publicist and all she does is be like, have this person on your podcast. Have this person on your podcast. I'm like, can you get me on some podcasts? Yes. Good point.

Okay. All right. I'll see you when I believe it. Sam, to be fair. I'll believe it when I see it, rather. We've been drinking. To be fair, Sam, you're posting clips of you roasting morning TV, and then you're like, how come you can't get me on morning TV? You know what? They don't watch those clips. Uh-oh. Easy. Dog fight. Get Noodle over here. Let's see.

All right, so do I have to referee this thing? That'd be a great official job for little people. That would be great. Oh, shit. She's only got one eye, but that one sense is danger. Yeah, right? This is black on white here. This is a little racial. She's a nice dog, Winnie. Jesus. Winnie lived in the streets for many, many years. Yeah, Compton. Compton. This is mine.

Oh. When he throws down. It's like Stevie Wonder. He's lying. I feel like us watching these dogs maybe think about fighting is like what you guys see if you see two dwarves having an argument. You and we, man. Whoa, something magical is about to happen. Right. It's a fight, but you're still like, aw. Yeah, yeah. It's so cute when they get mad. If they go at each other, it'll just turn to coins. Yeah.

Just like two Sonic the Hedgehogs running into each other. But that's what's great about being a little person. What's the term now? Uh,

Yeah, Little Person or Dwarf is the accurate one. Okay. Dwarf sounds like it's more offensive. It does, doesn't it? It does. Sounds like old-timey. Didn't they have a thing in The Seven Dwarves where that was offensive now? Yeah, that whole fucking story. Oh, okay. We don't have to get into it. No, I get mad about it because...

Briefly summarize. They said Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, the new live-action Disney film. Yes. This is a great point. I heard you say this before. They were like, well, we can't have dwarves. That's too offensive. Because it was like a pure dinklage on Marc Maron was like, oh, we're still doing the Seven Dwarves thing. So then they're like, okay, don't worry. He's like dwarf Laurence Olivier. Yeah. It's like, yeah, okay, fine.

Okay, Dink. I call him Dink. Do you know him? No. He doesn't show up to the meetings. But it's like, yeah, we all could be a little bit more picky about our roles if we were getting them. But if we were working and they're being offered to little people, if we were just the funny lead or the guy. We need like a dwarf Hamilton. Ooh.

Like the founding fathers, but they're all little? That would be great, but podiums would fuck us up. That's true. Every time a dwarf's at a podium, that's the natural enemy. You can't talk at a podium. You can have a Mount Rushmore, but it's just an ant pile. Yeah. So then they take out the little people. Instead, they call it Snow White and the Seven Magical Beings, and they post a photo. And this looks like a drum circle at Chico State. Okay, like this is...

Look at this. Like, bust out a hacky sack. Right. It's all different types of people, colors, which don't get me wrong. I'm fine having female little people, people of color, little people, like, get that diversity. Sure. But then have it be the damn dwarves. So then that offended people. So like, okay, we'll bring back the dwarves. So they brought back the dwarves in the movie. They completely re-edited it. But they did it using CGI. Oh.

So now all the dwarves are CGI, so now no dwarves are getting roles. What the hell? Taking your jobs. All these humans had jobs here. Yeah. This is why I'm so glad I'm a comic. I'm like, okay, I can just be funny. Exactly. Thank Christ. I don't have to have a casting director being like, okay, is it the right diversity quotient? Like, no, just be funny. But what about diversity for you guys? I get working even. It's crazy. So I went to an audition one time and...

It was not for a dwarf role. It was just for a role. And the casting director looked at me and goes, wow, that was great. But just so you know, we're looking for a diversity hire. And I was like, you mean this? Are you just having all sorts of dwarves bang down your door? What's happening here? You're a minority. I am?

They're like, ooh, we're looking for a trans dwarf. It's like, okay, give me a week. I can go down to Mexico. I can have a surgery. It can happen. I can identify as. Yeah, they're better off doing a multicultural seven dwarves with Snow White. Get a Mexican beanie. Then we'll get a diabetes. We'll get all the groups. By the way,

Beanie sounds like a great racial slur for a Mexican dwarf. That was the joke. That's what I was saying. Oh, shit. Okay, sorry. I told him. Diabetes was the black one. According to Little People of America, there are an estimated 65,000, only 65,000 dwarves in the United States. Yeah. That's nothing. That's nothing. That's less than Jews. Isn't it? God willing. By a million. By a million. Is there a Jew dwarf? Oh.

Of course. I don't know. Oh, gee, you want to hear complaining. Oh, my God. Well, luckily, I don't hear it. That's a tiny yarmulke. What is that? Just a Ritz cracker? Clip it.

Pull up, Jew dwarf. We got to see this. Pull up, Jew dwarf. He's just riding on a dreidel. Whoa. This sounds like the worst part. This is my impression of a Jew dwarf. This is my impression of a Jew dwarf. Is it cold down here? Hey, I like it. That's good. Hold on. I'm going to write down all of these. This is going to be brand new 10 minutes. All right. I've been trying out this new bit. Oh, there you go. The Dwarves of Auschwitz. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Holy shit. I'm trying to make this. I want to make this as a movie. Yes. So this is a family of little people. Not CGI. You see. My own. They don't have to go in the oven as long. Oh, my God. All right.

Oh, my God. They went in an Easy Bakeout. Clip it. They don't take trains as a radio flyer. So this is a whole family of little people that were in Auschwitz, and the Nazi doctors were experimenting on them and doing medical... And they survived it, but they obviously were...

and had a really hard life after that. But I want to make this movie so bad. Sure. Because, I mean, come on. It's got everything the Academy loves. Disability. Nazis. Yeah. Minority. Yeah. It'd be a good survival story. I love it. We haven't gotten this Holocaust tale. Yeah. Yeah. We can make one of them gay. Come on. Let's do it. Let's make this movie. I love it.

I love it. That's a great idea. Why is there a dwarf with a swastika on his chest? Well, they had to be dwarf Nazis as well, right? You're looking for dwarf Nazis? My algorithm's all fucked up now. Even Hitler was like, we need a diversity hire. Wow. Dwarf Nazis.

Oh, this is killing me. Which is what they said. His name is Bittler. Um...

Sorry. Oh, my God. What are the Holocaust movies? We do need a little person one, I think. I agree. Yeah. I think it'd be great if you're taking away Snow White and the Seven Dwarves from us. Give us something else. If you're giving the Oompa Loompa role to Hugh Grant. Right. Fuck that guy. All right.

I know. We've been having a lot of Hugh Grant trashings on this pod lately. Yeah. Well, I mean, you start taking roles from little people, you deserve it. Hear, hear. Yeah. It's like, what is he? He's the stumbling, mumbling oompa loompa. Like, so sorry. It was everlasting cold stuff. Ha ha ha.

Nice. Give it to another little person. Come on. Here, here. My God, taking away our roles. Yeah, so I'm going to have to write my own dwarf Holocaust movie in order to get a fucking part. I like it. I mean, this is gold. It's a shoe-in.

It's a can't miss. Yeah. Why not? Because now it's award season. We're seeing all the award shows. Are you a big movie person? I like movies, but I haven't been watching a ton of them. Not what they used to be. I mean, with the Marvels and the whatnots. Speaking of, dude, Norman wrecked Fargo season five. Fun, right? I watch it because of you. It's fucking killer, dude. John Hampton. I love it. Is he your boy? I mean, he's just.

We love Ham. We're Ham fans. And Ham, we know you've listened to an episode. Come on. Yeah. Come on. Come on the pod. Ham, make yourself useful as a publicist. Wow. John Ham. There's another guy who's packing. Oh, he's got a hog on him.

Damn, look at that. Ham has a hog? Yeah. Ham hog. He's killer on it. Jennifer Jason Leigh is killer on it. Yeah, she's great. Yeah, Jon Hamm loves comedy. He's from St. Louis. He's friends with the Sklar brothers. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they went to the same high school or something. What?

Also, Dave Foley, man. Yeah, Foley's great in it. Everyone is great on it. But yeah, this season's killer. You're right, Kill Bill vibes. It's mad fun. It's all women forward, like the women are the heroes. But it's fun. It's really good. And Ham kills it. Ham's like a right wing libertarian type guy. Militia type guy, yeah. But he's so good. The pierced nipples, too. Jesus Christ. Yes, the details. What the fuck?

Boy, what a striking, handsome hunk of a man. I hope Jon Hamm was like, let me think about something to add to this character. Pierce nipples. Like, I hope that was his idea. Yeah. Are you watching it? Uh,

I haven't watched it yet, but I know everyone's been talking about it. It's fucking good. Yeah. Well, like all those seasons of Fargo. Wasn't like Chris Rock in one? Yeah. I missed that. I got to watch that one. That was fun. Yeah. Fargo kills it. And it's produced by the Coen brothers. So I think they keep an eye on it. That guy Noah Hawley, too, is just fucking great. Yes. He writes all of it.

So, yeah, I got some peeves. I don't know if you guys. Peeves. I've been locking and loading. I had a wacky week with just peeve galore. We got some peeves, too. So buckle up, folks. Love a good peeve. All right. Hold on. Here we go. Okay. First peeve. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm not crazy about the you're at a restaurant. You're enjoying your meal with your buddy. You're having a good convo. The manager of the restaurant, some dweeb in a tie and glasses comes over and goes, hi, I just wanted to check in, see if you guys are enjoying everything. And I'm like, well, that's what the waiter's for. Yeah. We don't need you because now I have to just blow you a little. I have to go, oh, we love it here. Oh, yeah. He gives you the whole. And if there's anything that we that we can do to make your like like

that the waiter can't do? Exactly. He might be a fan of yours. Well, he did the whole restaurant. Oh, okay. So I was like, here it comes. T-minus two minutes before this guy hits our table. He was a praise slut. He was just going around, going around table to table looking for praise. That's what it is. Like, hey, how's your tiramisu? Right. Come on.

And you can see his eyes are just like, don't yelp. Don't yelp. Tell me now whatever there's a problem with. Is there anything I can do? Yeah. What could you? There's nothing you can do. I mean, build an Instagram-friendly wall right over there so I can take a selfie in your restaurant. Like, that's what you could do. I don't know. Live, laugh, love or whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything you can do? Yeah, there's this one waitress here I really want to fuck her. Could you put in a word? Yeah.

No, there's nothing you can do. No, nothing. And you just know it's coming. It's going to ruin the meal. You got to go, oh, yeah, it's great. Thank you. Pomp the dessert. There you go. That's what you can do. It's a nice restaurant thing. They're not doing that at Panera. No, no. They're like, we actually wanted to make sure you're having a bad time here. Yeah. Were you guys enjoying your baguettes? Does your lemonade need more caffeine? Yeah, right. Are you still alive?

Can we add another shot of espresso to that thing? Yeah, please mind the chalk outline over there on the floor. Don't they serve coffee at Panera? Oh, yeah. It is a good road spot, actually, Panera. Oh, it's a great road spot. Solid. But I'm just saying, who goes to Panera where they have coffee and goes, eh, lemonade. I need my lemonade. Does the lemonade really have caffeine? Yeah, it's called charged up lemonade. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, it's actually killed a few people. Whoa. I think you can look this up.

Panera lemonade death. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like killed a few people. Holy shit. We should drink that next week. Family sues Panera bread after college student who drank charged lemonade dies. How many did he drink, though? I want to see. She had a heart condition, it says, and wasn't aware the drink had caffeine.

That's fair though. Just saying it's lemonade. You don't know. Yeah, because the amount of caffeine exceeds a Red Bull. So it's more than a Red Bull in lemonade. Whoa. Did you just say this? I was reading. Sorry. Contains more caffeine than a Red Bull. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. That's what I just said. There's an echo in the barrel there. Okay. The glasses cover his ears as well. Okay. Okay.

But yeah, because lemonade is a sit on the front porch and freaking in a rocking chair and have a nice relaxing time. It's not a, well, I got to have a power lunch, charge up my lemonade. Yeah, right. I like the taste of coffee. I need coffee. And all the energy drinks kind of suck. I did a Monster Energy. No, it was Rockstar. Who sponsored my tour? I think it was Rockstar. Was it Rockstar? It might have been Monster, actually.

One of the energy drinks sponsored it, and they made me have... But they were like, all right, take a sip. I'm like, no. Whoa. I'll have it on the stage, but I'm not... I smell it. It tastes like shit to me. It's chemical. That being said, if they bring more money to the table, I will do it again. There you go. Yeah.

And why is it everyone I see drinking that white monster can is like the laziest person on the planet? It's never a guy who's like chugging away the midnight oil, doing the crunching numbers with a green visor on. It's just a guy, you know, sitting around watching his phone. He's like playing online video games. Yes. Like, I got to stay up for 20 hours. Exactly. Fortnite. Yeah, it's a gamer. It's like a new gun. Remember about how I make instant oatmeal, but then I just don't do anything? Oh.

Oh, yeah. I could make the regular stuff and feel productive. Great joke. That's funny. Yeah, these are the laziest people ever. Celsius is pretty damn good, though, I gotta say. I like Celsius. And it works. That's the only one I like. But I still prefer coffee, but if you're in a rush, man, the sparkling flavors are pretty fucking good. Pretty damn good. More than a coffee, too. It's...

That'll fuck you. That's the only one, though. I don't like the taste of the others. They taste, like, weird. Yeah. Energy drinks work way too well on me. Oh, yeah. I don't drink coffee, and I don't really like energy drinks. Like I said, I just drink tea. So when I have an energy drink, like, it...

I'm up. Yeah. For like three days. Comics who don't drink coffee, I don't understand because of our fucked up hours. Like, Norman used to not drink coffee, and I would be like, how the hell are you doing? Back when we were doing like morning radio all the time. It was tough. And the hangovers. Coffee will kill a hangover, which is nice, too. It'll help. Yeah. It'll help. Yeah. My whole thing is for me to like it, I have to put so much sugar and cream into it. It's now like a milkshake that's coffee flavored. Well, the Rockstar, the Monster's tough for you because you're the size of the can. No.

You're 60 ounces. It really is. I hold a Rockstar can. They're like, why does that dwarf have a barrel? Barrel of Rockstar. Right, right. I think they're all bad news. Yeah, get a cup of coffee. Also, the coffee's warm and it's inviting. You go to a diner. How you doing, hon? They pour you a mug of coffee. You got the mug going. Nothing like a hon from a waitress. Oh, I love a hon.

And not a hot waitress. Yes. I need an older. Give me a Bertha. Weathered. 55-year-old. She's been there for 30 years. Yeah, beaten maybe a few times by the husband. Definitely not on first husband. Yeah. Definitely on second or third. A little bit of an attitude, too. A little bit of an attitude. Although you ever get the Greek guy who's like, I make it the way you like. That's nice. That's like a woman. My friend. My friend. I make whatever you want.

Uh-oh. Oh, man. I go to an egg sandwich place in my neighborhood. He's pissed. I go to an egg sandwich place, and the guy always goes, the usual? And I'm like, ooh, that's a good feeling. That is huge. Not having to say it. You just know. If we ever get a sandwich named after us, I'll die happy. Well, that Larry David episode, that curve where he was mad he got the whitefish sable sandwich. I'm like, I like those. But he wanted turkey. Turkey is like.

Number one. Yeah, you can't go wrong with the other white meat. Are you leveled up to the point where your deli guy knows your name? No. No, he doesn't know my name. Not there yet? Not there yet, dude. See, that's the thing. If I go to a place twice, they know me. No one ever goes, who are you? Good point. Is that we met? No, no. That's the other one. Yeah. Well.

Yeah. Like, yeah. I grew a place. Like, I've been to places grabbing a bite to eat on the road. And then I'll go back like a year later. And then I'll go to the same spot when I'm in that town again. And I've literally had the guys go, you never come around anymore. What the heck? Good to see you again. And I'm like, I don't live.

Wow, that's great. That is my favorite part of the road, though, is just knowing which diner to just hit. I mean, just having that familiarity. You drop me in almost any city in this country, I'll find a decent diner. There's a place I've eaten. There's a good bar. Something like that. People are like, oh, you go in there? I'm like, whatever city in this country, I will find a cool spot.

And I was inspired by old Bourdain episodes where you would just find the best in any place. It doesn't have to be the fanciest, the hoity-toity shit. No, no. You can find a good... A good boxcar diner. Ooh!

Can't beat it. Get a tuna melt, a fucking omelet, something good. Yeah, a lady with got a pencil in her hair. Love that. That's nice. The refill. Are you guys Waffle House guys? I grew up on Waffle House. Look, I'll go, but it's not like my number one choice. It's not the best. But like, yeah, cheesy eggs, I'll fuck with the Waffle House. I mean, it's dinner and a show. Nah. That's true. Well, certain shows you don't want to see, though.

That 3 or 4 a.m. I could get dicey. There's a clip. I mean, there's so many Waffle House fights clips, but there's one where a chair gets thrown at a waitress and she catches the same idea. I've seen that. Yes. That one's ridiculous. Well, yeah, she's like fucking John Wick. Yeah. The crazy thing is some of these people, they're just, it's second nature. You work a night shift at this place. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So my buddy applied to be a tow truck driver, and he sat down. The first thing the guy said is, can you fight? And I think that's the same as Waffle House. Yeah. Can your buddy fight? He could fight. There, she caught it right there. There it is, a white lady. Boom. One, two. Wow, that was like some John Cena shit. Yeah. Holy shit. That was so good.

Yeah, I think... Yeah, because there was that thing a couple years ago where there was one of the school shootings. They're like, arm the teachers. I think we should arm the Waffle House waitresses. That's good. That's who needs a firearm. Waffle House waitresses. That's so true, yeah. It's WWE in there every night. Yeah, and this actually goes into one of my peeves is you kind of see it in that clip. Now when stuff is happening...

People aren't rushing to break it up. People aren't rushing to help.

Everyone just takes out the phone. Can you believe this shit? Phone. Now with the blizzards and when it's natural disasters, people are walking outside like, look at that person drowning right in front of my house. I don't know. Save the dude. Jump in there. So true. You got to get your likes, dude. Come on. I know. It's an epidemic. I remember I was at a comedy club once, the stand of New York back in the day, and a comic fucking snapped on stage. Yeah. And-

Tell us more about Arish Afir. He's going at it. He's going at it with an audience member. It's a lightly attended show. Yeah. And they keep going back and forth, and he just puts the mic down and does this. And I was like, oh, shit. And then I say to the host, I'm like, man, we should do something. And he goes, yeah. Takes his phone out, videotapes it. Oh.

That was the best thing he could have done for that comic moment right there. I don't know. Film that. Yeah, because I've had times where like – The comic was bigger than the – it was not going to be a fair fight. Oh. It was an old dude. He started – he got into a fight. Oh, wow. I've had times where I've been on stage and then like some heckler will yell something out and literally right when they do, the entire audience just holds up their phones. I'm like, God, like stop it.

I had a comeback that I was very confident with, and now I'm looking around like, ooh, do I want to say this out of context? Yeah, good point. Yeah, I don't like it. An out-of-context cunt makes you look bad, you know? But if it's a deserving cunt, it's a good line. What are you pulling up? Oh, shit. This is a front kick.

A front kick? So this is a woman offended, or who's the comic here? I don't know. It's a small town. Oh, there he is. Oh, jeez. This triggers me. This brings me back. I remember open mics. This is my first year. Oh! That was warranted. That was warranted. This is when they got to play the Hulk Hogan music. I am a real American. Pull.

Pull up the DC Youngfly where he knocked the guy out on stage. What? Yeah. I mean, these are some, what's the hard pipe N-words? What, it's a Ving Rhames line? Yes. I'm bringing some dudes with pliers. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to get medieval on your ass. DC Youngfly. You got to fast forward. So he's talking shit.

Tommy T. You missed it. You know Tommy T's? Oh, I have a story like this from Tommy T's. Oh, here we go. Is this a club? Yeah. It's in Pleasanton, California. Wow. Pleasanton. Yeah, that's East Bend, so not San Francisco. Oh, God. That's after the fight, right? This must be after. It says after because he knocked a dude out. Yeah, you got to find the actual punch. Liz had a story about DePaulo doing that to someone. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Well, DePaulo played football in college. DePaulo, he's still kind of ripped. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a dude. He looks good. So I was at Tommy T's, the club where this happened, and I did a joke that I used to do. That was me. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Heckler videos. And everyone's like, Samoyle. That one went viral. That one. Oh, yeah? Yeah, some woman went at me, and I was like, ooh. Here we go. Omaha Funny Bone, baby. Omaha. I'll be back there in a couple weeks. In a week, I think. Great club. I love that club. Yeah. Colleen, what's up? Yeah. And by the way, I did have a great time in Philly. I didn't mean to sound like I was...

Saying bad stuff about the club. They were great. We gotta find the actual fight. Yeah, maybe they scrubbed it for legalry, but it was everywhere for a while. But sorry, with Tommy Tease. Yeah, when I was at Tommy Tease, I did a joke about how everyone thinks I'm Wee Man, but then Wee Man's real name is Jason Acuna. So it's like, he's Mexican. I'm not Mexican. I go, oh man, Mexican dwarf. Something about like, how high does the border wall have to be? Some old joke like that. That's fun. And...

Then someone just yelled out, fuck you, I'm not Mexican. And I was like, wait, what? Like, I was talking about another guy. Yeah. And he was so drunk, and he started yelling, and the bouncers came up, picked him up, and then used his head as a battering ram to open the door. Whoa. And knocked out the window. Whoa.

Wow. I've heard of homophobic, but Mexican phobic? That is a weird one. Good point. But yeah, that was a solid one there at Tommy T's. I am not Mexican. I experimented in college. That's so good. I had a chimichanga once.

That's a good point. It was a different time. Right. Yeah. My thing is, after the Will Smith, Dave Chappelle thing, if someone's walking up on stage, you don't know what their intention is. I know. I know. There was that woman from The Voice. She did a concert, and then she's doing a meet and greet afterward, and a guy just came up and shot her in the head and killed her. What?

To who? What? There was a contestant on The Voice, and she's doing a concert. Good-looking woman. Christina Grimmie. Yeah. And then a fan, one of those stalker creepy guys, thinks they're married or something. Oh, yeah. He just walks up. All it takes is one, man. Yeah. Crazy. Straight up. Whoa. That shit's terrifying. That is terrifying. I didn't even hear about this. Yeah. So if someone's walking up on stage, you don't have time to like...

like, hey, what are your intentions right now? Yeah, yeah. No, it's so funny that you feel more so paranoid ever since it's Will Smith that did that to you. It's like, I don't trust this dude in this Toledo strip mall because of the Fresh Prince. That's true. That's a good point.

But it's true. I definitely put my... And then the Chappelle thing happened not long after that. But, you know, I remember at the cellar one night, a guy threw a fucking beer bottle at Dave Attell. Really? And Attell, fucking the sweetheart he is, the guy was shit-faced, got arrested. Dave Attell gave his friend bailout money.

Aw, jeez. Best fucking best dude. The world doesn't deserve Dave Attell. Hear, hear. He's so good. You got that right. The best dude and the nicest dude. Yeah, and still one of my favorite comebacks for a heckler. I was watching him at the Irvine Improv, and he did some joke, and some lady yelled, fuck you, Dave. And then he responded by going, all I heard was come, come, gurgle, gurgle, and the sound of a father crying. Wow.

So good. So good. He's the king. He's the best. I've told this story before, but I saw there was a guy, a black guy in the front row with dreadlocks, like a super hipster guy. And he goes, what are you doing here? And the guy goes, I'm a huge fan of yours. He goes, you're a fan of mine? Jeez, most of my fans look like they can pull a dead dog out of a fountain without flinching, but can't tell their daughter I love you. I was like,

Where did he pull that from? I've never heard that one. That's phenomenal. I think it was on the fly and never again. I remember one time at the cellar, three dudes in glasses, because you have to walk through the room to go to the bathroom. Three dudes with glasses all coming to the bathroom. And Dave goes, what is that, a nerd portal? Crushes. Yeah. Yeah.

We got to get him on here for a special. We're going to have to pull him kicking and screaming because he hates doing pods. Yeah. His special, I think, is going to be on Netflix. I think it is, yeah. I'm really excited. Guys got to get low shacked. Yeah. Get him on here. Yeah. Fucking tell. New special. That's like the best thing to happen to comedy for a while. There's very few that I circle that I'm like, I got to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Dave is...

just the best. Obviously after my special dropped on Veeps and you watched that. Where's your special right now? Exactly. Veeps. Veeps with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. That's where you can find it? Yes. Yes. Doing that. V-E-E-P-S. They start off as like a

concert thing so you could watch concerts. They got shows by like Alicia Keys and Magic Dragons up there and now they're doing comedy specials. Oh, nice. It's like me, David Cross, Reggie Watts. Hey. Yeah, Starfish. That's the new special. Looking good. Look at that slicked back hair. You look nice. Thank you. I love it. Yeah. Mixed colors, baby. Yeah.

Yeah, orange and blue, Broncos fans, so that's why. They're going to put this on Netflix with Hugh Grant. Son of a bitch! Hugh's going to start doing my jokes. You know, it's very hard to be a little person. Very hard to be a dwarf.

Well, the problem with dwarf comedy, it's a low bar. All right, but no, this is great. And, you know, at one point, Netflix was a veeps. That was like, oh, what's this? Let's try it out. You never know. So this is cool. Yeah. I love it, man. I mean, it looks well shot. It looks fucking great. Cats. Did Cats direct this?

Jason Katz? Jason Katz, the guys from 800-pound gorilla, whatever. Oh, Anthony. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, DraftKings Sportsbook, folks. It's an official sports betting partner of the NFL playoffs. It's bringing you an offer that's going to make the playoffs seriously awesome. New customers get...

or can bet $5 on any game and get $200 instantly in bonus bets. Everything's more fun when you've got some skin in the game, and DraftKings makes it easy to get involved. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use code WMBD. New customers can bet just $5 to get $200 instantly in bonus bets. Only on DraftKings Sportsbook with code WMBD.

The crown is yours. Got a gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.1800gambler.net. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467-369. Do we do all the states? In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please pay responsibly.

Are we going to get to South Dakota here? I have a boot hill casino and resort in Kansas. 21 plus age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See DKNG.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources.

It's finally quitting that nasty hand-to-mouth habit on your to-do list this year. If you're really struggling to quit bad habits, it's time to check out Fume. Fume is an innovative, award-winning flavored air device that's totally going to turn your habit on its head. Keep everything you've been doing, taking a step outside, fidgeting with your hands, getting a little break from the world, but the bad part of the habit is completely gone. That's because instead of vapor, Fume uses flavored air. Instead of electronics, it's flavored air.

Fume is totally natural. Instead of harmful chemicals, fume uses delicious flavors. Mark smokes this shit like crazy. He's not here right now to tell you about it. He's pissing, but I don't smoke. But Mark had to kick this stuff many times. Mark used to do heroin. He's really turned his life around. Stick with the original or kick things up a notch with the brand new Solano fume. It's made with a premium walnut barrel and an onyx coated mouthpiece with a slightly softer finish.

Right now is the best time to start the good habit with Fume. All orders for a month of January have a buy one, get one Coors so you can stock up for the New Year's resolution. Plus, our listeners get an extra 10% off when you use our code. Head to Fume.com slash drunk and use our code drunk for an additional 10% off. Plus, BOGO Coors until January 31st. To help make starting the good habit that much easier, that's FUM.com slash drunk.

Yeah, and this was shot here in New York at Sony Hall. Wow. Our friends Rachel Feinstein and Keith Robinson just shot specials there for Netflix. Great venue. It's larger than a club, smaller than a theater, so it's got the noise but still intimate.

yeah yeah it was a lot it was a lot of fun hope everyone enjoys enjoys this go and watch that right now so it's at veeps.com yeah veeps.com you do veeps.com slash brad williams or veeps.com and just search and just search for it after you watch the uh alter ego concert with some 41 in yellow card then you did you could go watch my comedy special i was at that concert it was fucking great hell yeah i kind of like those those tunes man those like very 90s like yeah uh adam

Divine had a great joke about those kind of punk bands where it's like every song started off with a season and a location. So every song is like, summer, the city. That's killer. It was fall.

my grandmother's house. Like, it's all that kind of shit. Well, it's funny because those, I used to like Blink-182 and all that shit. It is, it's like sad boyfriend songs, but they put it with like a good bass line. Yeah. It's all just whiny dudes. Like, she broke my heart.

my heart and then I fart you know or whatever but I feel like they're having a resurgence Blink 182 yeah oh really well because they're back on tour Sum 41 just announced it's their last tour and then they're gonna break up to which everyone was like they were still together yeah also I think it's Sum 58 at this point how old are we I saw them a few days ago they fucking killed it all right

They were great. He was banging Avril Lavigne for a while, that front man. Yeah, Derek something. Yeah. He's Canadian, so she likes to keep it in the Canadian family because she was also with the lead singer in Nickelback. Wow. Wow.

Oh, really? Avril Lavigne was with the lead singer. Yeah, there he is. Woo, that's a tough look. That's a Sum 41 guy? Yeah, that's a Sum 41 guy. So, yeah, he looks a lot better now. He had a bit of an addiction problem for a rock star. I know. Who knew? As you should. That's appropriate. But, yeah, now he's thin. He's got more energy than anything. Like, he was running around on stage. I heard it's charged lemonade is the secret. Yeah.

But yeah, they fucking killed it, man. And the whole crowd's in their mid-30s just dancing around. Oh, fun. And all the people younger than that are like, when's the 1975 coming on? I don't know about them. I don't know. Oh.

I'm not sure, but the girls were going crazy when they came on stage. Yeah, they're pretty huge. What was that fest? It was like Nostalgia Fest. It was in Vegas. It was huge. We might be, or we're no longer young. We might be young. Yes. Something. That's like you broke records for tickets. Yeah, it was like Sum 41, My Chemical Romance. There it is. When we were young. When we were young. Yeah.

It's kind of a sad notion, but it fucking worked. There are certain genres of music that, like... Green Day up top. Green Day, hell yeah. That's a big get. Who beats up a dwarf? I know. Come on. There's no dwarf hate group. Who was beating you up? Who was? You hear that? How do you feel now? How bad were you getting beat up? Not that bad, because people, like...

Beat me up one time and then got suspended. And I was friends with a lot of the older kids. And then they retaliated. Yeah. Hell yeah. I was all right. Well, the problem with beating up, bullying a dwarf is they give you a swirly. You might go in, you know. I'm actually a flush. Yeah. What happened to Brad? He's at the sewage processing plant right now. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Right now. That's not. There's no way that's him.

Are you from San Diego? Are you from Northern? I'm not from San Diego, but I'm from Southern California. Is that him? What's he do now? Oh, this is good. Experienced. That's him. Logistics specialist. The first time Salakis has found a fucking... Hey, we see you in San Diego. Hey, we played the Balboa, Mark. It's going down, baby. I'm playing the Balboa this week. Holy shit.

Two tickets, and by that I mean ten fingers. Let's fucking go, motherfucker. Let's go. Holy shit. I apologize. Dude, you invite him as a friend, and then you fucking corner his ass. Yes. You get a crew. I'll do the, what everyone said that Phil Collins did, like have the one spotlight come down on him as they start doing jokes about him. Right, right. I'll do that move. Holy shit. Holy shit. If he's in the crowd. You'd think there'd be more.

Southern California. Yeah, true. Apparently not. There's one. If he's in the crowd, be like, oh, what was that? Get him out of here. Tase him. Just make up that he heckled. He said the N word. He did. I heard him. Click back on it.

I feel like I need to apologize for your fans that are now going to look him up and message him. But hey, he's an experienced inside-outside sales representative and logistics specialist. I don't know what that is. I don't know either. Oh, at the university. Yeah, so if you need that. Glad a guy that beat the shit out of you when you were in fourth grade is a teacher now. That's great. Yeah, right?

Jesus. Don't get too mad at him. He was a kid at the time. No, we were kids. I'm kidding, obviously. Don't bomb him with hate mail. Don't. If you feel like it, in which case, do it. Unless you're a dwarf civil rights activist, go right ahead. So how bad did they get him back? What's that? How bad did they get him?

Not like they beat him up. It was just like they roughed him up a little bit. He was fine. He came to school the next day, okay? This wasn't like Tommy DeVito calling his boys and having a little leg clubbing. That did not happen. Okay. That's so crazy you found the guy. Well done, Google bitch. The one time you fucking nail it, Sal. I know. Jesus Christ.

He can't find one of my recent tweets, but he's able to track down people. You're now going to give him the most every year. The best and fastest thing he found, which will never be the G spot. Jokes! Woo, doggie. Oh, man. You got any bullies? Let's pull them up. Bullies? Nah, I don't want any.

I bet I did. We should go after. Yeah. Anybody fuck the football player after you? Yeah, let's do it. Why not? You're playing the Balboa. That's a big deal. It is. That's a great room. It is. It's a great room. Thankfully, it sold out, and so I'm doing okay. And it's nice. So you guys have your whiskey. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. In San Diego, I have a beer. Really? I'm co-owner of a brewery down there. What? It's called Thorn Street Brewery. Hell, yeah. So, yeah. Get the Barrio Lager. It's brewed with 100% pure agave. It's delightful. This is great. Wow. I love it. I love San Diego. Man, what a town. Yeah. Great city. I always have a great time there. Great people. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

And the crowds are fucking good. Oh, the crowds are killer. And the whole Gaslight District, that's where all the bars and stuff are. And that's where my ex-girlfriend lived, the Gaslight District. That's why you like it. Good memories there. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great town to go to. It really is. And you guys, so you guys played the Balboa together? Ooh, a Michelada. Yeah.

I love a Michelada. You love a Michelada? Why the fuck not? Yeah, you don't like a Michelada? I like a Michelada. I like a Bloody Mary more, but I'll do a Mitch. I don't like tomato juice, so I'm not a fan, but if you enjoy ours, go for it. How do you not have pony sizes? I mean, I feel like you missed the boat on that. We got-

eggs. All right, all right. But La Jolla's killer too? I mean, all of San Diego, the whole place is great. I love it. It's just a fun, fun town. You got any peeves? I got some peeves. Okay, peeves. You ever do this? I screwed, I forgot something. I said to someone, I was like, ah, I'm an idiot. And then, and she goes, no, you're not. And I was like, yeah, I was kidding. I wasn't like questioning my being.

But then it makes you wonder, now does she think I am? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, because she said it with the exact same tone that when a very large person goes, I feel fat in this. You're like, no. Yes, yes. You're not fat. No. You're doing great. Look at you. Right. Look at you. Like they said it with the exact same tone. Look at you. They're like, I am. I am. That's the problem. Then the worst is when you try to be nice and you're like, you're plump.

You're not fat, you're plump. And they're like, oh no, this is worse. Yeah, you just start going through Gabriel Iglesias' levels. You're husky, porky, fluffy, and all that. And they're just like, oh, I feel worse now. Yes, yes, that's a good one. Some in there. Yeah. It's like when you do a joke in your act and they go, oh,

Like, no, no, I'm joking. I'm joking. Yeah, I hate the awe. That's a rough one. Not a fan of it. That, and it's like, hey, we're up here. We're doing okay. That, and sometimes you get an awe when you're playing a theater. You're like, look around. Yes. I'm doing okay. It's going to be fine. Relax. The awe is weird because I remember thinking about it. They usually do it because they care about you. So sometimes it's the bit where you're just like, oh, that was too sad, I guess. It wasn't funny enough. Right.

It's also usually an all-in. No, but it was self-deprecating. I'm clearly okay with it. Yeah, I wrote it. I wrote it. Exactly. I made it happen. All right. All right. I got a peach. Oh, you got one. Hit me, baby. This is probably just for me, but I hate it when people call me big guy.

I hate that shit. Oh, interesting. Hey, what's up, big man? Like, I hate that. Like, they're trying to fool me. Right. Yeah, because it feels sarcastic. Yeah, you know. Although Stavros always calls me Big Dog, and then we were on a group thread with another friend of ours, and he called him Big Dog, and I was like, that's my fucking name. What the hell do you do there? Ouch. Were you just thinking like, oh, that's just what he calls everyone where he doesn't know their name? No, I'm Big Dog. Yeah.

I was supposed to be Big Dog Stavros. Oh, that stings. It hurts. It's like when your wife gets you calling someone baby. I'm not going to lie. Adam Ferrara calls me pal, and then I found out he calls everybody pal. I kind of felt the same way of like, oh, I thought I was special. Bobby Collins used to do, because he didn't know anyone's name at the cellar. Bobby Collins, by the way, could fucking hoop. What? Is that right? 1980s Bobby Collins.

Pull up Bobby Collins. We called him Bobby Buckets. He was a dirty player and he would never miss a jump shot. Bobby Collins. Classic. He doesn't miss a jump shot. He would pull on your shorts so you couldn't get. He was so fucking dirty. It was great. But he was hilarious. And at the cellar, he would always go, hey, you're handsome. Because he just didn't know anyone's name. Yeah, yeah. And he'd go the way, just, hey, you're gorgeous. Yeah. And that and someone calls you handsome, you're not going to be like, bullshit. Right. Good point.

Is that a Michael Jackson jacket? I love Caesar's Palace. Wow. Well, he is dripping with confidence. He was a search guy in the 80s. Is that right? He bought a home with search money in Manhattan. The smile. Holy shit. That's what they say when you call them up. I called them up. They went, got the nant-o.

This bit's aging well. Dude, I won't say the comic's name. I'll take you guys off air. All right. I was at the improv in Hollywood one time, and I saw a 1980s comic that's kind of like that sort of style. And he was doing a bit where he was doing the accent and stuff like that. And you just saw the audience just like...

Nope. And you saw the look on his face and you saw the horror because he's like, oh shit, it's passed me by. Like...

it's gone like I can't do the thing you gotta write a new bit 30 years I mean that's 40 years whatever but I remember like Buddy Hackett was the first one to do the Chinese voice sure and it was like groundbreaking at the time killer then a certain point yeah it becomes not cool right right right new bit it's fine like we have we have Argus Hamilton the

the cop at the comedy store and he writes new jokes every week like whoa i've heard that news he's got it really good for him he's almost 80 years old and he still goes up writes new shit i love that he was plowing mitzi for a while he was and play play a little of this is this the buddy wanton that's a one wanton one egg drop one more egg drop two egg drop one wanton what

This sounds like the record stopping. No, we don't have a script P. No, we didn't have it yesterday, and we don't have it tomorrow. But you listen to some of these old records, though, and even like Rickles. It's funny when a guy's doing crowd work on record because you can't see. He's like, look at this Oriental fella. And you're like, I can't. It must have also been so nice to be a comic back in the 40s and 50s because everything was new. You're like, that Chinese guy sounds funny.

Groundbreaking bit. This is good stuff. No one's done this yet. Wait. Dogs and cats are different? Hold on, let me write that down. The Irish drink? Yeah. It's just like you could just do that shit. Anything. Completely revolutionary. Totally. It's why, like, if you listen to old Pryor records, it sounds hacky now, but then you realize, like, oh, he was the first one to do that. Totally. And then every other comic after that was just doing a version of Pryor. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Sorry, I got one more peeve. How about this one? Fire away.

The guy who tells you how you're going to feel about something before he tells you the thing. So he goes, oh, dude, I got a story. You're going to find this interesting. So I was at the mall the other day and a guy fell asleep or whatever. And I'm like, well, I don't think that's that interesting. You can't tell me, you know, oh, you're going to love this. It's because he needs a running start because he's so used to people tuning in. That's what it is. That's exactly.

right. That's what it is. It's the same person who does this. Hey, hey, I got a bit for you. Oh, they hit. They hit. I got something. They're trying to keep you listening. They're used to people ignoring them. And I want to ignore, but he got me. He reeled me in because I feel bad now because I'm like, oh, this guy's actually kind of boring, so I got to overcompensate and really pretend to care. Along those same lines as a comic, if you meet people after the show, they start talking and you're like, oh,

You're going to love this. You can use this in your back. Then they shoot you in the face. You can use this. And you're just like, no, I guarantee you I won't. And 98% of the time, you're going to tell me a street joke that's just been told a million times before. It's not my bit. No. Or the guy who slips on the sidewalk and he goes, oh, man, I'm giving you material. And you're like, well, how would that go? All right. So I was outside the other day and a guy slipped.

I had a guy come up to me after a show once. He goes, you could use this in your act. I got a blowjob in the car the other day. Older guy. And I was like,

How am I going to write it? So this guy I met after the show got roadhead, and they're like, why are you telling us this? That's where the narcissism bleeds in because they're like, what happened to me? It's funny. It's real good. You're going to love this shit. Yeah, yeah. And it's that thing where it's like you just saw me do my job for an hour, hopefully well, and then at the end of me killing, you sort of like, I can help him.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good point. I can help them with no experience whatsoever. Yeah, because the hard part of comedy is having an idea and then the turn. The turn is the hard part. That's where the skill comes in. But they just want to give you the slipping guy on the sidewalk or the roadhead. And then you come up with the turn and they go, you're welcome. And you're like, no, no, no, you're welcome. I had to do the hard part.

It is. Yeah, it is weird when they do that. But I think a lot of these people don't have people who are honest with them in their life. Because, you know, we have to. They have to be honest with us. Yeah. Or, you know, they're not going to fake laugh to a ticket they paid for. Right, right, right. So we have to kill hard enough that it, you know, warranted the ticket.

The ticket price, the two drinks, whatever. But a lot of people are just like, their friends are like, oh yeah, that's funny. They're your friend. Yeah. That's why your friends, when you start, are like, you should do comedy. And you're like, yeah, I should. Right? A lot of people, your friends push you into it, and then you fucking eat shit. Yeah. Because these people aren't your friends, and they don't give a shit. But I also think that's why, and maybe I'm being too philosophical bullshitty here, but I think that's why comedy is so popular, because-

It can't work if it's not good. If it's not good, it won't work. Like, if you tell a joke and they don't laugh, that's it. There's no softening it of, you know, like, hey, let's be nice. We've got to be positive. We've got to be compassionate. It's just joke, work, laugh, or not, that's it. Same with sports or fighting. Yeah. You know, it's just if you fight the guy and you beat him up, you win. Very simple. Yeah.

There's no like, well, it's a little person, so let's be extra nice. We have a participation trophy. We have to be diverse and whatever. It's just quality versus no quality. I would totally watch a dwarf fight league. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. I have a question, though, about that. I participate.

I want my revenge. I'm going to do some push-ups. Do you think dwarves are not taken into account for diversity? Not at all. No, we're not. I mean, it's kind of fucked up, right? Yeah. I think I know why. Why is that? Well, A, you got no group against you. You got a group against you. Women, a lot of people hate women, especially Pam.

And then, you know, black have clan. Yeah. You know, there's groups. Everybody loves a little person. Yeah, there's no, like, anti-dwarf league. Yeah, I mean, we should start one. I mean, the most you have is the roller coaster business. Who says you've got to be this tall, I guess. Yeah, there's no, like, group of people that are going outside of dwarf homes burning lowercase t's. I got it.

Women on dating apps. Nothing below six feet. That is true. I mean, I'm not on the dating apps anymore. I'm married, but I've seen a lot of women that go like, if you're under six foot tall, fucking keep on. Oh, yeah. Keep swiping. You're like...

put anything else on anything, anything else. I know if you pray to a God, that's not Vishnu. Right. The hell off. I'm with you. I'm five 10. So I was like, what the fuck? You know? And then every guy's got the hack joke. I can't put 400 pounds, no, no fatties or whatever, but it is a little harsh. Yeah. So, yeah. So, so we, we get it in the dating world. I don't say this too often, but thank God I'm married. I'm done. Yeah. How'd you meet your wife? Uh,

On an app called, you can look up this app, it's called Field. I've heard of Field. Field is basically Tinder, but for people trying to have threesomes. Hell yeah. Wow. Yeah.

That's how I met her. Wow. Wait, I think it's more than just threesomes. Yeah, it's like you can, it's for alternative lifestyle, whatever. And are you guys still into that or was that just how you met? That's how we met. The whole thing is like. That's how we met too. Like I matched with two women and we were all going to go out together and then one of the women didn't show up.

And then I went on a date with just the other woman. Oh, my God. And ended up marrying her because when you find a hot Asian that likes three ways, down. Yeah. Hell yeah. Lock that down. Still looking.

So, yeah, that's how I met her. And it's tough to do that now with the kid. Like, it's tough to, like, now it's like there's one more schedule that we've got to figure out. Yeah. And so we don't really do that kind of thing anymore, unfortunately. Sure, sure. But, hey, you had a good run. I had a great run. You know, throw my jersey in the rafters. It was a lot of fun. Now, do you feel like you've got to really bring the heat? Because you're representing all the littles. Oh, yeah.

When I fuck, I'm fucking on behalf of a people. Yeah. Exactly. Like, whenever I was with someone new, it's like, whatever I do, that's what they assume, like, oh, that's what all of his people do. Sure. So it's like, that's a lot of pressure. Sometimes I would do random things, like, because I knew it would give them a story. Yeah.

Like, just pop up and give her, like, a macho man elbow drop. You know, just, like, climb the bedpost and yell out, from the top row! All of a sudden, she's like, oh, that's what dwarves do. They climb the bedpost, step into a Slim Jim, yell out, ooh, yeah, and drop the hammer. Must be hard to do all that in a tree. But I assume that's where you live. That does make sense. You represent your people. Like, I feel that way as a Jew when I leave a tip. Ooh!

I got to bring the heat on a tip. I can't be. You're going straight 25%. So I'm going to go more. It depends. Really? Six million dollars. Six million. You had a very good year last year. Never forget the tip. It was a Holocaust joke. I was trying to tag it. Sorry, I forgot. I appreciate it. We got to make that movie, God damn it.

I feel like, well, I think the stereotype as a guy, do you ever wait tables? No, I was catered, but I never waited tables. Oh, okay. I waited tables for 10 years. Yeah. Okay. I think the black no tipping is a bigger stereotype than the Jew no tipping. Is it? Oh, yeah. And I had black waiter friends who were like, I don't want that table.

Straight up, yeah. So that was a tough spot. See, yeah, I was never a waiter. I got offered several times to have a plate of nachos on my head. I wish that was a joke. It was a Mexican restaurant. I was like, I got a great idea. We're going to put a plate of nachos on your head. You walk around the restaurant, and then people just take chips and take nachos. It'll be free, but it'll be something that we can be known for. Yeah.

Great. That sounds like a lot of fun for me. No, you'll get tips. I'm like, I'm good. I'm fantastic. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a fun gig. Can you imagine, like, and it's to your point earlier about there's no group that's like anti-little person. Can you imagine if you're like, ah, we found a guy in a wheelchair. We're going to put a plate of nachos on his lap. We'll call it Meals on Wheels. It's going to be fantastic. But, like, it doesn't.

No one does that with other disabilities. That's true. Like, oh, you're a fucking blind guy. We'll give you a plate of nachos. You walk around, and then wherever you drop them, that's who gets the nachos. Right. That's how hawkins serve food on Epstein Island. Grapes. I want to know, you saw that thing, that his fetish was like dwarves solving impossible math problems on high chalkboards. No, short wheel hunting. All right.

Sorry. Yeah. Look this up. I don't know. I want this to be real so bad. It's like Stephen Hawking midget solving math problem or something. He called them short equations? This is going to fuck up your Google. Yeah.

Definitely not long division. Hey. The Epstein doc showed Stephen Hawking liked dot, dot, dot. Click on the article. Watching naked midgets solve math problems. Whoa. They said he liked to watch because that's all he could do. This was fact checked. It says, no, it's not true. Oh.

We all hoped it was. I wanted that. Wow. What a specific fetish. I know. I did hear he liked the littles, though. I mean, sure. I heard he liked little people. What an insane life. I know. I mean, yeah, you're one of the smartest men in the world. You're in a wheelchair and you can't move. And you have an insatiable sexual appetite. Like, the man lived.

He lived, yeah. He cheated on his wife. I mean, the guy was stepping out or rolling out or whatever all the time. I mean, the guy was a poon hound. He knew what he wanted. Yeah. My thing whenever I see a crazy fetish is just like, how did you find out that was your fetish? Pre-internet. Yeah. Like, I don't care if you have a weird fetish as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. Everyone's a consenting adult. Great. But like...

How do you find out that's your fetish? Like, what was the process of elimination where you're like, those, like, Wall Street guys that, like, their balls stepped on high heels. You're like, how'd you get there? I know.

That's not something that can happen accidentally. No. Usually it's something like, you know, the first time a woman licks your ass or something, you're like, holy shit, that was cool. Right. You know? But that's like a choice. The stepping on the balls is like... Because like, what woman takes that chance? Although, maybe you're in a fight with your girl, and she goes, fuck you, like just kicks you in the nuts. You're like, wait, I'm hot. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Do it again. We're in a fight.

Well, the beauty of the internet is now you can find like-minded ball kick people. Oh, this guy likes his balls stepped on too? We have a club. Yeah, it works for them. It works for the Taliban too. Gotta take the good with the bad. Yeah. Yeah, it's the best time ever to have a weird kink because back in the day you had to date someone and just be like,

Hey, so I like this thing. Are you into it? Oh, yeah. Your eyebrows turn into Jack Nicholson for that one right there. Hey. Hey, sweetheart. I like watching black guys play hoop while we bang. If you read that book, The Big Goodbye, he would fight with Polanski because he wanted to...

He was watching the Lakers playoffs on the set of Chinatown. And he was like, we're shooting the set. He's like, fuck you. It's double overtime. Really? Dedicated fan. Yeah. Hardcore. Yeah. You got to respect that. Klansky raped that girl in Jack Nicholson's hot tub, right? Is that the story? Is that right? Yeah. It's the Angelica Houston caught him. Whoa. I don't feel like that gets talked about enough. Well, it's from the 70s. Underage girl. Yeah.

Yeah. 15 or something. Why did you say that like underage girl? Not that bad. I don't know. Why was that your tone? I said rape that girl and you were like, no one talks about that. I was adding information. Yeah. Also underage. Yeah. Sounds more like it was a disclaimer, Matt. And it was anal, I believe. Yes, it was. Also anal. Yes. The way you said yes, it was. Like he just got a question right in the class. Yeah.

Indeed it was. Good job, Mark. You've been doing your homework. Thank you. I got a brown star. Fun fact about that. Fun fact about that movie, Chinatown, Nicholson's having sex with Angelica Houston, acting with his hero, John Houston, and there's a line in the movie where he says to Jack Nicholson, are you fucking my daughter? About the character. John Houston didn't know yet. He didn't know he's actually fucking his actual daughter. Whoa.

So then when it came out, Jack would be like, I'm meta. I just did it for the method. I'm like Lawrence of Olivier. It's fine. I just get really into that role. I'm meta, and I'm meta on field. Wow. That's a hot couple. I mean, they're both conventionally not attractive traditionally, but there's something sexy about both of them. Houston and Nicholsons.

But I'm saying she's not traditionally attractive. She's not like a Heidi Klum or something. Right, right. But she's still sexy. Yeah. I take it back. She's pretty hot. Yeah, she is hot. Every Nicholson story, almost every, the one about Polanski I'm not a huge fan of, but like almost every Nicholson story, I'm just like, fuck, that guy was cool. Even in that book, you come away thinking he's a pretty good dude. I mean, like...

Yeah, it's tough. When it happens to your friend, I guess he stood by him for the most part, but what are you going to do? It's tough. Also, pretty crazy to fuck your hero's daughter. Hey, Kazzy David, hit me up.

Sorry, what were you going to say? No, I'm just like, I'm, I. Other than, other than standing by, you know, him, he comes off as like, but also it's like, it's complicated when it's your friend, but he, he comes off like great to the crews. Great to like, comes off as a great dude. Yeah. The story I heard about him was he was at a nightclub one time and of course he had his sunglasses on indoors and a lady comes up and goes, Hey Jack, want to dance? And he just looks at her and goes, wrong verb.

I'm like, damn. Damn. That's a classy way to turn someone down. You ever see that photo of him? Some guy's like, I want to photograph you, Jack. He was like this famous photographer. And Jack's like, all right. I don't know. I'm busy. I don't care. I don't need a photo of me. And the guy's like, please, please. He's like, all right. I'll give you like two minutes. And he met up with the guy. The guy took one photo. And Jack knows it left in a convertible. And they show the photo. And his nostrils are just covered in white.

Right here. If you can find the pic, it's pretty great. It's just like the story of how Matt photographed the fat Jew. I'll give you two minutes. Gets butt naked. Buffalo Bills his balls. It was just matzah. I don't know if you can find that pic, but it's a classic. You know what's a great Nicholson movie? Have you ever seen The Last Detail? Oh, classic. That's a fucking cool movie. Great movie. I haven't seen it. I think it's Hal Ashby. Robert Towne wrote it.

Oh, yeah? It's fucking great. Town is always good. Yeah. Recommendation from Sam. All right. I might direct on The Pop of War. It's one of my... I love that movie. And I love... I mean, I love... There's just too many photos of Jack doing coke. That's the problem. That's true. Peter Sellers. What's the Peter Sellers hell, Ashby? Oh, that's the one you love. What's it called? Not the Longabye. The... Being There. Being There. Being There. There you go. Good flick.

What is this about, Sam? Oh, it's like an old school. It's a guy who gets basically, I think it was court-martialed. It's Randy Quaid, and he stole money, and they kind of have to. It's like his last night. It's great. He's like a sailor. Yeah. Randy Quaid and Jack Nicholson. How about we get them together and have him do a podcast about the movie currently? Is he still working, Jack? Or is he kind of done? No, I think he's retired. He's in his 80s, but he showed up at a Laker game.

last year in the playoffs. That was cool to see him. Oh, so I got a really cool Laker experience last week. All right, pull it up. I went to – I was just going out to buy some booze at Total Wine, and I'm just walking around, and there in that Total Wine, Jeannie Buss. Whoa. She's doing a signing for her tequila. She's got a tequila out. And so I walk over, and she sees me and goes –

I follow you on Instagram, and you're friends with my husband. And I go, yes, I am. Jay Moore. Jay Moore. So then we talk for a little while, and then she goes, yeah, if you ever want tickets, let me know. And I'm like, the owner of the Lakers? Okay. And, yeah, there's me and Jeannie. What?

She was great. Yeah. She gave me tickets. I went to the game last week. Good seats? You got the golden ticket. Lakers-Suns. It was a great game. Wow. Did Durant play? Yeah, Durant played. And Booker? Booker played. She gave me... The Suns won that one, right? The Suns won that one by a lot. Yeah, destroyed them. But...

Lakers are slipping right now. How did Jay Moore, I mean, look, Jay Moore's a charming guy. He's a funny guy. He's got a great, you know, resume. But how did he pull that? I mean, she has dated a comedian in the past. She used to date Craig Shoemaker. What? The love master? Yeah, baby. Wow.

Good for Shu. I guess she's got a thing for the humorous. She's got a thing for the funny guys. We need more people like Jeannie Buss in the world. Really rich heiresses that love comedians. Yes. Hear, hear. Who are aging very well. Who are aging very well. That doesn't hurt. Yeah. I think that's a good thing. And who love basketball.

Come on. I know. Kind of the right combo, right? Triple threat. Yeah. She seems like a cool person. She is. She's really sweet, really nice. We took my daughter to the game. She's four. We had the headphones on her, but she just had a blast. She had a great time. That's awesome. Yeah. That was very cool. And Jay and Jeannie came by. They said hi. Wow. Are you Lakers? Is that your team? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're Knicks.

Obviously. Easy, you two. No, it's okay. I know. He doesn't win. So it's fine. The Lakers will not win for a very long time. Here we go, folks. LeBron is 39 years old. Hey, pick on someone your own son. Ha ha ha.

But yeah. AD is great, though. Yeah. That was a really cool experience. And it just kind of goes to show you, funny will get you a lot of places. Hear, hear. People like having funny people around. Thank God for that. I know. Like, very rarely are people just sitting around going, you know what we need more of in this room? Some systems analysts. But you know who could use a comic or two is fucking Hamas or Al-Qaeda. Like,

Let's go. Book us. Are you looking for tickets? Not airline, but, you know, they could use a chuckle. Do they have comics over there? Are they pulling up TikTok and watching Matt Rife or anything? Like, how's that work? I don't know. Like, okay, so if they started having, like, a live golf, like, for comics, would you guys do it? Yes.

I would do it. Just like a Saudi deal or something? Yeah, just like a Saudi deal where it's like 30 million, you do two shows or something. I've done worse crowds. You've been to Tommy T's. I think I'd rather perform for ISIS than that group. That'd be great though. So comic goes over there, they're in like a Britney Griner situation where like we told them not to go. Yeah.

We got to bring Norman back. You got the president at that point. Like, don't worry. I'm going to get Norman back. Yeah, yeah. If it's Trump and you've made a joke about him, you ain't coming back. Oh, true. I watched his special. Not a fan. Not a fan of Mark Norman. Sam, very good points. Very good points. I like what he says. Who would they trade for the comic is the question. Oh, it's going to be like an arms dealer. Yeah, yeah.

This guy's the most rampant pedophile in the history of Saudi Arabia. Well, the arms dealer, unlike Mark, is killed. Exactly. Exactly.

I'm saying they need a comic. We've done corporate gigs. We've done the hell gigs. We're ready. Put me in a bulletproof vest. Did they give you notes before? Don't make fun of that guy. He will kill you. We both have Jew jokes that would kill over there. You have a minder because I am Jewish. That's true. That's true. They're like, those are hilarious. I'm like, don't tell me you are a Jew. Just go, I'm Italian. Yeah, right, right. No, no, no.

Well, that's the beauty of you. You're casting, though. You're castable. You could go either way, you know? Terror, Jew, Italian. Castable sounded pretty racist in that context. I was trying to lighten it up. Yeah, you look like Snow White in one of the magical seven themes. You could work even though you're a Jew. Yeah.

By the way, Jews and show business, we do all right, actually. I do it great. Are there Jews in show business? A couple. Although it is weird when you have guys like Jon Stewart or Jeff Ross who have Jewish names and have changed their names to sound less Jewish. Yeah, Kunin. Yeah, Leibowitz. We know you're real shit. Come on. But you got Natalie Portman. You got Scarlett Johansson. You got...

The other, Paul Rudd. Yeah. Some good looking Jews out there. Yeah, they are. You found the four. Yeah. I only heard three. I'll assume I'm the fourth. Thank you. I'll throw you in. So you guys working on any bits? Shia LaBeouf? I'm fucking bone dry. Did I try the dog poop one? No. Yes, you did. I did. I might be bone dry because I was honing shit all weekend. Hold on. I made some notes. But you got something. Oh, hit this, baby. Okay. Uh.

Okay. This one. I got this. I put it out on Facebook. It stinks. Someone could call me a midget, and I'm supposed to be upset by it. But there aren't really slurs for tall people. And I'm definitely going to steal this. I just don't know how. One of my Facebook fans wrote, I thought of one. You should call tall people biggers. Okay.

Oh, that's great. I heard that and I'm like, oh my God, that's so funny. That's great. But now I don't know how to work that into a bit. And certainly I'm worried if I ever fuck up the joke. Well, that's a good line right there you can throw in. Yeah. I'm worried I'll fuck this up. But also you got the big, uh, that's a friend. Like Sam's a big, uh, you know, because you guys are buddies. So, uh,

Then you got the bigger please. Yeah. Okay. Biggers with attitude, you know. But it's one thing you like. The difference is it's like we like being called it. That's the difference, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you could throw in your big guy peeve here because now you can call him tiny or something. Like, throw it back at him. Yeah. I don't know. Tiny, funny, big dick. You know, complete opposites. Right, right. True. Okay, you got me there. But yeah, that's a bit like... I want to write it. I think it's funny, but at the same time, I do know that...

I also don't want to do a version of that joke. Do you guys ever get the wrong kind of laugh? Oh, yeah, totally. You tell a joke and you're like, ah, that's not how I wanted that to be interpreted. Yeah, yeah. Well, Bill Burr's like, I'm not starting a rally here. Take it easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't want to do anything like that. Yeah. I think you're okay. I think you're okay. Bigger. Mm-hmm. I can work in some of those. What else is the N-word in it? Yeah.

You think you'd have that as a note on your phone? I think those games, big people, and then maybe this turn is big people have never been like really held down though. That's true. Except for on flights. That's the only time. That's where I win. That's where you win. True. What's this other one? Oh, all right. Here's something I realized. Like, okay. So...

My wife gets mad sometimes when I go out and I'm doing my job. I'm working. And I realize that she doesn't like it because when I go to work, I'm having fun.

Like, my work is fun. Like, no wife gets mad. Like, you're going to those coal mines again? Right. Like, no. So she's mad because it's fun. Fun without her. Yeah, fun without her. Yeah. Men don't get mad when the woman goes out and has fun without them. So true. We're thrilled. We're thankful. It's like if you were dating. Stripper isn't the right thing. But it's something about, like, their job is like, maybe they're probably miserable, though. Yeah.

They probably don't like doing that. Yeah. True. You need to find something that they like. But you're right. We want them to have fun. But when my wife texts me, I'm like, I'm dying out here in Cleveland. Meanwhile, I'm like guzzling Patron, you know? Oh, Gary used to have a joke about like, he's like, look, it's tough. The road's tough. She's like, you were at a strip club. He's like, I go where the work takes me. I gotta go. Yeah.

Yeah, there's that. But then men have it to where we get mad if something else makes our ladies have an orgasm. Like if they use the dildo or if they're using a vibrator or, God forbid, another man. Yeah. And then something else gives her the orgasm. That's our version of getting mad when you're happy. Right.

Right. Interesting. So it's like they get mad at us when we're- You could simply just say it gives them pleasure. That way it's like, I'm getting pleasure from my work. Yeah. And you're getting pleasure from- Raul. Raul. Yeah. A guy from a TV show, you could just say, or something. Jon Hamm. And you could make it a guy who's coming over to- You're at work, you're out on the road, and some guy comes over to fix the chimney or something. And then she's like-

I was thinking about Raul. I got off. I don't know what I would say there. It could be funny, too, if you're like, man, I was doing a theater in San Diego. It was terrible. She goes, tell me about it. Raul came over. Oh, that guy's the worst. Oh, yeah. She's doing it now. You're both fucking lying. You're both lying. He was having a drink shirtless in the backyard. It was a hot day. He just kept throwing ice on his nipples or something.

When's he going to learn? It was horrible. I'm sitting there like, yeah, and I was in San Diego. I slept till 1. I had a craft beer at 3. Right, right. Did two shows and had thousands of people cheering for me. It was awful. Yeah, yeah. It just gets old. Yeah, right.

And then she's doing it with Raul. I think that's pretty good. That's a pretty good back and forth. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, I like the Raul. Raul's just a good joke name. Yeah. Like there's some names that are funnier than others. Carl. Yeah, like you said, Matt. Matt, for some reason, is not funny. Not funny. Gary is a funny name. Gary's funny. He's carrying some names. Yeah. I can't tell you why. I can't tell you what the science is, but you go, Raul. Carl.

It's funny for some reason. Well, Patrice had that great line where he said, I'm a comedy genius because he says something, something N-word in a Buick. He's like, a black guy in a car isn't funny, but saying N-word in a Buick is hilarious. It would get a laugh because it's so specific. Right. DePaulo had a bit about, I can't fall asleep at home. You see a homeless guy in the sleep. I'm just...

I fucked that joke up. On the street. You see a homeless guy sleeping on the street. He's just passed out sleeping. Best sleep of his life. I got an $800, you know, mattress at home. This guy's sleeping on a Heineken. The word Heineken is just funnier than beer bottle. Yes. Specific. And that's better than Stella for some reason. Yes, exactly. Because Stella's kind of a nice beer, maybe. I don't know. Who knows? There's a magic to it. That's why comedy's great. Kay is funny. Yeah. Heineken. Yeah. Yeah, true. Unless there are three of them in a row. Then,

Hilarious. Easy, Bigger. There we go. Come on. Maybe someone bigger, like only he can say Bigger. Yeah. You know, something with that. I don't know. I can figure out that joke. That one's going to be one where I only do it when people have their phones locked up. Yeah. Yeah, true, true. I have to figure that out before. Yeah.

Any footage gets out. Yeah. All right, is this stupid? This is the one I was working out. Okay. So I was talking about my friend. He's a black guy. And some guy was like, well, that's racist. And I was like, but I actually have a bunch of black friends. And then he rolled his eyes. And I'm like, well, that's kind of weird because that's actually a decent defense. Yeah.

You have a bunch of black friends. Isn't that a pretty, I know that's like a cliche, but it's like a good defense on not being racist, having a bunch of black friends. Like, look, hey, Thomas Jefferson, he had plenty of black friends. You get it? You set it up, and then the point is he was a slave owner. He had plenty of black people around the house. So you're kind of pulling it back on yourself.

Is that stupid? No, I like the premise, though. I like the setup. It's actually a good proof of having black or not being racist is having a bunch of black friends. Yeah, I think the key word is a bunch. It's when you say, I have one black friend. Oh. That's when it's like. Yeah, it's the people who get to say, I have a black friend. I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying. Yeah. So a bunch is key. Because if you're like, no, it's not racist. I have a black friend. Right. And you're like, oh, that's bad. But when you say I have black friends, that's like more of a justifiable. Okay. That helps. Because the one, yeah, the one is suspect. Yeah. That sounds like you're paying them to be your friend. Right. Right.

Have you tried this? I've won Black Hooker. I tried the Thomas Jefferson thing last night and it hit. But I also really built the tension. And so when I twisted it, it hit. So I don't know if it was because I built the tension and it's a racial joke. So they're already like, ugh. They just want the release. Yeah, so...

I need to really get the wording right because racial jokes are tough. That's some of the most fun when you have the crowd so tense and they're like, oh my God, this is like where you're on the edge right now. Yes, yes. And then you hit them with the release and they're like, oh, thank God. Then you just hit them with that bigger. And...

It's a bigger punchline. Yeah. I don't know if I have... I was doing just fucking honing all over the weekend, so I don't know. Honing is good. You got a special taping coming up. You got a... I know, buddy. Another one? Look at you. I won't stop. Damn animal. Well done, sir. Is this stupid, too? I was in a bar in Mexico with my wife, and she got on the mechanical bull as a goof, and I think she got kind of turned off, and then it threw her away, and she was like, that was kind of hot, and I thought a line could be, well, now you know how it feels to get turned on and then finish in eight seconds. Yeah.

You get it? Because she got cheap, cheap, you know. Yeah, that's funny. I was thinking that the bull threw her off and bruised her and then you got turned on. Oh, no. I was just saying she only lasted eight seconds. Yeah, yeah. I think you should even add turned on and then, yeah, thrown off. And then you're like, except the only difference is you didn't have to apologize. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's good. There you go. All right. That's a good line. Yeah. And the whole bar left. Yeah. And then you didn't have to awkwardly run to the bathroom for a towel. Yeah, that's true. You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to apologize and the bull didn't call you a little slut. Right. And at the end of the day, I paid for everything. The waiter didn't come over and choke you right after you fell. Yeah.

All right, I think there's something here. I got a couple. I have one idea. This is something about like, you ever have like a memory where you're like, fuck, like a low point for you can be a high point for someone else? I only have low points. You know, when I was a kid, I, you know, I was in a movie theater bathroom. I just had like a ton. I was lactose intolerant. I would just eat a ton of pizza. I would like wouldn't accept it. So I was just, you know, horrible diarrhea in a Times Square movie bathroom.

coming out of my anus. Oh, yeah. And I could see through the crack, as the worst of it came out of me, a black father and son. The father goes, that boy has got the shits. And they just high-five. And it's like weird that an awful moment for you can be like a high point for someone else. That's true. Yeah, well, that's like everyone in a fight video definitely...

They're getting knocked out, and then everyone's just commenting, liking it, and be like, oh, did you see this motherfucker get knocked out? You're like, yeah, I was concussed. Yeah, yeah. It's the worst day of my life. Everyone's showing their friends. It brought them joy. Yeah, or any porn star. Ah, that's a great analogy. Yeah. Any porn star, that's a funny angle. Yeah, because it's like, yeah, she had to fuck Mandingo, and that's a bad day for her.

And then you're sitting there like, all right. This is great. No, it's the worst day of my life. It's a bad day. And then thousands of boys all over the country are like, this is my thing. Yeah. I didn't do that last week, did I? No, you're not. I think you might have. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, fuck me. Maybe when I left. We'll play with that. God damn it. Is there anything else I have? I have a few others. We might have. Dude, we were on fucking fumes last week. Okay. I got one more. I did this twice.

Last night, for the first time on stage, it's a joke that my wife has actually banned me from doing. Whoa. So, you know, it means I have to do it. All right. Hell yeah. Hey, you're paying the bills. Yeah, why not? So the joke is essentially my daughter is Asian and a dwarf.

So I can't lose as a dad because if I'm the best father ever, she changes the world. She invents something. She shatters glass ceilings. She inspires others. She makes human existence better. Yeah. And if I'm the worst father ever of an Asian dwarf...

We get the greatest porn star of all time. She has told me I am not allowed to say that joke. That's not bad. I think it's good. It got some laughs last night, and then there was also some people that were just like, no. I would play with the reaction, too. I think there's something funny to play with the crowd on that joke. Yeah.

Because they're getting upset. I'm like, no, if I'm the best dad, if I'm the worst dad ever, I'm not planning on that. Yes, yes. I'm not planning on being the worst father ever. Yeah. But then I also searched and found out there's a dwarf woman on OnlyFans that made like $24 million last year. Whoa. Like an insane amount of money. So I see that and I'm like, I'm going to start missing some recital. This is... That's a good line.

The top midget OnlyFans accounts. Oh, this is a multiple. Are we not supposed to say midget anymore or not? You're not supposed to. I think... You have a village voice. Oh, wow. Those don't look like little people, though. They really don't. No. What the hell? Yeah. There's one dwarf account, and she was on some podcast, and it popped up on my algorithm because they're like, you're a dwarf and you like porn? You...

You would like this. And yeah, she made like $24 million. Oh, here we go. Yeah, she's all right. Well, it's good for pedophiles because they're looking at midget porn, but it's still legal. Yeah, but it only works if you look at it from behind. That's true. The face is a giveaway. Yeah. You can look at the genitals only.

Oh, wow. Is that going to be a sting operation, Mark? Yeah, it's a good idea. Just a little person, then they turn around, and the guy's like, damn it. Yeah, there's pubic hair. Why weren't there more little people on To Catch a Predator? That would have been a great bait and switch. Great bait and switch. Chris Hansen, oh, you thought it was a little kid, did you? No. Well, you thought wrong. Turns out, 32.

But the hands are so tiny. Yeah. But if you look, there's hair on them. It's good. So, yeah, I saw that and I'm like, okay, so we'll eat. So even if I'm the worst dad ever, she'll be okay. Yeah, no, that's funny. That's funny. Is your wife actually concerned? Is there – About me being the worst dad ever? No, no, telling a joke. Yes. Oh, wow. Legit concern. What is the concern? That your daughter will hear it one day?

I don't know. It's just like disrespectful maybe. And it's just like, no, I'm saying I'm the worst dad ever. I don't think I'm the worst dad ever. I think you're creating a scenario that is not going to happen for the sake of a laugh. So I think, you know, I think you're fine. Stupid. Oh, sorry. Keep going. Oh, no, I'm fine. Stupid dwarf question. I'm ignorant. Okay, fire away, buddy. Do you think the dollar goes further with a dwarf? Yes.

You don't have to get first class. The house can be smaller. Eat less. Eat less. You don't have to pay full price for a full body massage. Movie tickets. Drink less. Drink less. Yes. Jordans are half price. Is that true? Yeah. Well, okay. I think this is not so stupid. I think I got something here. Because you get little Jordans. Yeah. I got a size four foot. Well, that's fucking adorable. Little Jordans. Yeah. I mean, yeah. So that

parts. By the way, that sounds like a Disney movie. Little Jordans, yeah. Little Jordans. Like little basketball players. Yeah, yeah. Mike gets mad that LeBron made Space Jams. He's like, I'm gonna make another movie. Yeah, right, right. It's about my kids. The one that's not fucking Larsa Pippen. Ha ha.

That's some crazy shit. That's an incredible story. You know what bugs me, too, is that they do this story that is, if those of you don't know, Marcus Jordan-Michael's son is getting married to Larsa Pippen, Scotty Pippen's ex-wife. It's a fucking mess. They won't be near each other at this point. It's pretty ugly. Yeah. But I don't like that they... Yeah, the joke I kept seeing on Twitter, which is a good joke, is just like, oh, man, Jordan and Pippen getting another ring. Yeah, yeah. Good one. But...

You know, the thing is... Not bad. Yeah. The thing is, the story that broke is Larsa Pippen and him, they claim they fuck five times a night, which is, like, such an annoying story. It's like, no, you don't. Come on. That's such an exaggeration. Yeah. It's like...

It's like you shot too far. If you said three or four, even four, maybe five. Five? Come on. Five? Taking it to the hole. By the fifth come, nothing's coming out. No. You're getting dust. You've got to get a break in the middle. You've got to pound a liquid IV. Tump Gatorade on your head. Yeah. Some stuff's got to happen. Some prep work has to be done. Five times in a night. I think maybe they did it once.

And then every other time is way lower, and they're like, it's five. Yeah, but that was the one day they were on vacation, and they spent the whole day in the hotel room. You could do five times a day then. Yeah. You could stay in the hotel room all day. Well, you don't have a job, either of you. You can fuck a lot. True. True.

Wait, he's a basketball player as well? No. Oh, he tried, but then no. Okay. And look, in his defense, it's got to be hard when your dad is Michael Jordan. Yeah. The greatest of all time. And now I went to USC, and USC has Bronny James on their basketball team.

Oh, that's fun. I think even his ceiling is second round NBA pick or late first round. So it's tough. That's incredible to make the NBA. But your dad's fucking LeBron. Yeah. Can you imagine if there's a team out there? Because LeBron has said that he wants to play at least one year with his son. So the teams will draft the kid just to get old LeBron to be like, if there's a franchise out there that needs some ticket sales, Detroit Pistons,

You draft Bronny. LeBron signs as a free agent. You get one year of 41-year-old LeBron James, but season ticket sales go up. He's probably still decent. I mean, he's doing okay this year. He's not winning per se, but in terms of how he's playing, it's still. He's the oldest player in the league. Oh, wow. Udonis Haslam, he was the oldest player in the league last year. He wasn't doing anything. So LeBron's like, he's still doing well.

He can still get you supports. He's still super talented. Yeah, he's still like a top 10 player. He's insanely rich, insanely talented. He's put all his money into his body. Like millions of dollars every year. He sleeps in those crazy chambers and shit. Really? Yeah. He's like the male version of a female porn star. All the money goes to the body. Yeah, yeah. Just shows up with sweet tits. You're like, what? What the hell happened? All the money is just maintained. Maintained. Right, right. Hold. Yeah.

Yeah, I could see him holding on just because, yeah, he wants to play one year with his kid. Yeah. That's one thing Jordan never did. I bet he does. That's pretty cool. But it's weird to build this life in L.A. and then your kid could just get drafted by Orlando or something, and you're just like, I don't know. Orlando? Yeah.

It'd be funny if he got drafted by Orlando and then Bronny's like, are you finally going to take me to Disneyland? We're in the city. We're in the city, Dad. We have some days off. He's like, nah, we've got to practice. Worst flight in America is to or out of Orlando. Really? Out of Orlando is...

It's all geriatrics and crying kids. Oh, right. You're going to be pretty fucking pro-choice on that flight. Yeah, and tourists that are like, they travel once a year. Yes. They don't know airport etiquette. That's kind of a gripe is like, we travel all the time. We know how to navigate an airport. There's...

Like, people go to the wrong terminals. They're like, could we check nine bags? You're like, no. Yeah, yeah. Like, they get mad when they're like, you have to consolidate. There's only one carry-on. They don't know what they're doing. They're walking down the aisle of the airplane like...

One, two, three. Come on. It says 9B. That's it. It's easy. Why are you confused by this? Why are you stopping at first class? Yeah, exactly. Your ticket says 27. Yes. You're not going to be there. Keep it moving. Well, let's plug some dates. Watch Brad's special. Yeah, on Veeps. Veeps.com slash Brad Williams or go to Veeps.com and have him, Brad. Very funny guy. We love Brad. Yeah. When's this coming out?

do we know? Two weeks. Yeah, go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. We've got Tempe Improv. Great club. February 1st through the 3rd. Oh, Tucson, Arizona. Sunday, February 4th. Two shows, Fox Tucson Theater. Uh,

The theater at the Ace Hotel in Los Angeles. That's a great room. Great room. February 10th. That's a big one. We added a second show at the Majestic Theater in Dallas. That's a great one. Beautiful theater. Yeah. Oh, and then Vegas playing the Mirage. Nice. Great time, man. That Italian restaurant in the Mirage is fucking incredible. There you go. Man, that was like. Make you do the fingers? We did it. Yeah. It's not the only fingers I did that weekend. Hey. Watch out for the marinara. Yeah.

All right, I'm all over the road. I don't know where we are. You're doing the beacon. Doing the beacon. Two at the beacon, baby. That's awesome, man. I love it. I love seeing that. Oh, dang. I just went and saw John Oliver there. Killed. I'd never seen him do like a full hour. It was fucking... Yeah, he's great. He's a pro. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

All right. We're at Houston, San Antonio, Charlotte, Lexington, Boise, Salt Lake City, Atlanta, Raleigh, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlottesville, Charleston, El Paso, Albuquerque. Remember, it's MarkNormanComedy.com for dates. We're doing some hot cities. Come on by. What do you got there, Bigger? When is this coming out?

Two weeks. 28th. So we got Omaha, Funny Bone, Dallas the following weekend. Then we got February 15th through 17th, OKC the following weekend, Irvine,

uh, improv, then Salt Lake City at Wise Guys. I love that club. Oh, I love Keith, so I can't wait. And then we got, uh, Fort DeWilber for the special. At DeWilber! Yeah, baby. So that's, uh, March 7th and 8th. What a great comedy venue, and to film your special there, that's gonna come out. I'm very excited. I love, I love Boston as a comedy city, too, so I'm pumped. It's just a good fucking, good vibe. It's a good vibe. They don't get offended by anything. And they,

They want you to go. I asked my agent for something warm, and they got me Boston in March, so I'm looking forward to it. No, I'm pumped. I'm excited. It's going to be great. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. Yes. Get it at bodegacatwhiskey.com. It's good. Make a gold rush out of it. Make a gold rush. Hell yeah. It's delightful. All right. Well, thank you very much for listening. We love you, Salamanca, Peters. We even love you, Pam. We're sorry we bust your balls. Low shacked. Sorry about the beef.

All right. Whoa. All right. I'll have you guys soon. Sorry I repeated a joke. I'm sorry I repeated a joke. We did a bunch last week. It's a drinking podcast. And I'm working on a special, so the new stuff's not coming as quickly. It'll come soon. If you don't know, now you know, big guy. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit about his post. Same way. Up on the roof like it's feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New York. This woman doesn't look good.

And I'll be true.