Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year
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Yo! Ah! Here we are. Good to be back. It's a Scotch Day. We're doing a... By the way, this is a Nick Offerman Lagavulin. A toast to Nick Offerman for winning the award. Golden Globe. Yeah. There you go. We got some golden drinks here. Ooh, that smells good. That is fucking... That is smoky. Mm-hmm.

That is smokier than Sarah Huckabee Sanders' eye. Hey, nice. Or Snoop Dogg's ashtray. That is good stuff.

Well, yeah, man. How you been? Good. Remember when he said he quit smoking for about eight seconds? And then it was all Snoop Dogg. And it was all a ruse to sell his smokers or his barbecue bullshit. What do you mean? He's like, I quit smoking weed. And the fucking internet blew up. Oh, just to get attention. Yeah. And then he's like, just kidding. But buy my smoker, whatever. Smokeless grill. That was it. Smokeless grill. Smokeless grill.

There you go. I quit smoking. I got advertising. But boy, did it work. And I'm sure he sold a... That's the new game now. It's just how the fuck do I make a splash? Because everything's all over the internet, you know? So how do I stand out for a second? I'm gay. See me in Denver this weekend. There you go. That would work. That would work. I'm on the client list. See me in Denver.

Aren't you glad you're not on that list? That's nice. I still wake up like... We're too young to be on that list. If we were on that list, we would be on it for the other reason. We'd be working there. Worst summer job I ever had.

You're just on, you're giving Stephen Hawking a massage. Not to turn him on, just to awaken some parts. Right, right. So what is up with that plane? So many people are on that fucking plane. And I assume that not all of them are fucking minors. No, well you would have gone on that plane if he asked you. It's a rich guy with a jet. You would have fucked a minor if he asked you too. See my show in Dallas.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a ride. I think sometimes like – I think about being on the road. They're like, oh, my friend's got a – I know a guy who's a billionaire. I just met him through – he's like – he liked my comedy. So we became like pals through that. And I remember one time I was on the runway in LAX. He's like, are you going to LA? He texted me. Are you going to LA today? I would have taken you on my jet. Oh.

And I was like, I don't know. I don't think he's done anything bad. Sure. But I was like, shit, I would have done it. Hell yeah. I'd do anything he asked me to do. I'd suck his dick.

Yeah, I mean, how was the house? How was his... Awesome. Great house. But I mean, like, you know, of course it's a great house. That's true. It'd be great if he just lived in like a studio. How did he make his fortune? I don't want to talk about it. It's too specific. Yeah. I think everything's tech now. I assume it's tech shit, but I don't know how that works anyway. So, yeah. But Mark's met him.

I did? Yeah, we went out with him one night. Oh, yeah. Very unassuming. Yeah, yeah. You would never think. Yeah. He's like 11 years old, this guy. You know? We had a fun night. That was a fun night. A rare night of Mark and Sam at a New York City nightclub. Nightclub. That ain't our scene. We didn't, you know, but... That's a different world. I remember you were single at the time, and we saw this girl walk by. We were both like, God damn. And you went up, and you went, hey. And she went...

You'll have to be more specific. Damn. Yeah, there were some hot chicks. I mean, the fucking Warriors were there. Grandma Green and Clay Thompson walked in. Wow. Yeah, I was like, all right. This is the place to be, I guess. I know. You probably walk by that door 8,000 times. It's like in the East Village. You go in, it's a fucking crazy wild nightclub.

This is good scotch. So good. Offerman does it again. Could you get caught up in that lifestyle? Could I? Yeah. No. No, no, no. It's just not us. It's fun to like... It's intoxicating. It's too loud. Intoxicating? Yeah, it's for people with no personality. The music's so loud you can't have a conversation. It's for people on drugs. It is. You do drugs, you make eye contact, you make out, you get out of here. And this is a no? These are all no's for you? Well, it's high school. Why does someone kiss him again? It's high school...

Like sequel. It's just like who's hot, who's not, who's cool, who's wearing what, who's in the nose, who's in the mix. It sucks. But Mark and I also like I feel like we thrive based off our personalities and not based off how we look. Like when I got laid, it was like me. It was me like making a woman laugh at a bar. So it wasn't it wasn't me just like walking up to her like you.

Yeah. That's some emperor shit. No, no. That's what you get at the courtroom. Him. You. Yeah. Ten months later, that's the man right there. Yeah. So, no. That is not my world. And it's cool to go see and observe a safari. You know, like, look at her. Look at him. There's that celebrity. But...

I feel out of place the whole time. I'm like, I'm not cool enough. I'm not hot enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm too weird. Yeah, the whole thing's off. I think you're very attractive. Hey, you too. If I was one of those models, I'd fucking suck you off, dude. Well, when I was single, I would literally go up to girls at a bar and be like, ah, fuck.

Conan. Why else would she want to talk to me? Both of us, I think both of us had a Conan Tinder pic. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good icebreaker. Yeah, what else am I doing? More matches. If a girl's going to be like, woo,

look at these. That's my tits. Yeah. You know, it's me and Fallon. I got nothing. I'm 5'10". You know, I didn't have any money. What else did I have to offer? It's a cool, it's exciting. I think for a woman, it's like, you know, I'll try, I'll give it a try. Yeah. It's a different thing. Let's see if he's actually fun. Like, he's professionally funny. Let's see if we go out and he actually makes me laugh. Totally. Totally.

Did you guys ever match with anyone sort of fancy on Raya? Yeah. I didn't do the Raya. Yeah, I got a few, but I'm not fucking saying. That's weird. Well, just give me like a ballpark. Ballpark? Susan Boyle. Like A-list actress or she was in B-movie. She had B-cups. All right, fine. I once fucked. Kathy Bates. Dame Judi Dench. All right, there we go. Yeah.

No, I'll tell you off air. Okay. All right. This is getting good. Gypsy Rose. I'm the one who killed her mom. And I never got caught neither. By the way, they show the mom's body dead. It's fucking just the whole thing's horrific. Yeah. Everybody's ugly and trashy, and the boyfriend's like an autistic weirdo. Gypsy Rose before Gypsy Hose, dude. Yeah.

Woo! Put that in the bank. Dude, yeah, we had... I mean, Mark and I would get fucking lit up. Yeah. I mean, those cellar nights, too. Those were the best. But you can't keep up with...

Comedy Cellar servers, they go hard. They go hard. They go hard in the paint. I got to say, not to be this guy, but I feel like that world, that lifestyle ended with us. I don't see young comics pounding the pavement, drinking the night away, and then falling on the sidewalk like we did. Well, it's a bad look, I think. I think we did it when there were less cameras around. True, true. And now every comic's got a goddamn camera with them. I know. But I think the problem is I did hear about a comic...

At a New York club who got wasted and groped a bunch of other comics. Oh. And he's not getting spots anymore, obviously, because he can't fucking grab a co-worker's tits. Yeah. I heard about that, too. And that kid is lucky that he's not bigger. I know. Ironically, if he was bigger, he'd be fucked. I know. But the fact that he's not really established, it's saving his whole life.

I know. Yeah, that was a... You gotta behave. You gotta be... Like, Mark and I would, like, get shit-faced, but we weren't, like, bad... We're good drunks. That's the thing. I mean, that's why you can still drink at our age, because no one told us, you got a problem and you gotta quit. Yeah. I mean, maybe a few girlfriends, but I don't listen to them. And, uh... No, but seriously, we don't... I don't think we have a... Like, it was ever, like, a problem. I think we're pretty, like, lovey drunks. Yeah, and I think we got...

that out in high school not the groping but like i was like puking black you know you wake up on a sidewalk you wake up on a couch and you're like where the fuck am i then you have to walk home for two hours it's a bad look when you're when you're getting older yeah exactly i did that shit when i was 16 i peed on a bunch of girls couches because i would wet the bed like that those were tough tough mornings i paid for a lot of dry cleaning in college because

It's because of the blood. But no, no. But yeah, just a lot of like, sorry, I peed on your comforter. Here's $28. Yeah, that'll cover it. It was the early 2000s. No inflation. Yeah, you know, those nights, though, they take a toll, man. Oh, yeah. They take a toll on your body. And at a certain point, you're like, fuck my life. And the shame. Don't forget the shame. The waking up like, ugh.

Oh, what did I do? What did I say? I was thinking about that, actually, because we talked about this last night, Matt and I. We were just hanging out, and we talked about, you know, when you're a guy like Chappelle and you have the money to get the IV every hangover, you don't have to deal with the consequences of the drinking, right? Great point. So you kind of...

You feel like shit for a minute, then you get the IV and you're like, let's fucking go again. I'm back. I need a little shame to cut back on my drinking. It's not just shame. The damage to your body stays the same. He's damaging his liver just as much as you are. Sure, sure. But he doesn't feel it. And it's not just Dave. It's like a lot of people. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should...

Not focused on that. Yeah, well, Burke too. I mean, Burke quit drinking, basically. He'll have like a beer here and there. Yeah. He looks amazing. That's why. He just cut down on the booze and then we got drunk on the cruise. I think I talked about this and he was like...

This sucks. I'm hungover. I don't remember anything. This is a bummer. How did I do that for the last 20 years? That is hilarious that Burt drank so hard for the last 20 years he forgot what not being hungover was like for two decades. And he pushed through for the cruise. Like, all right, I'll keep drinking for the cruise. But he was like, when I get off the cruise, I'm going back to no drinking.

Well, I mean, I texted him the other day. I was like, dude, you look amazing. I mean, I saw the shirtless picture of him, and I was like, yeah, you look like a different person. You look healthier. And also, you don't – he's also like a strong guy and an athlete. Oh, yeah. You don't want to cut years off your life. You're a father and a husband. And I bet, like, Leanne also was feeling his chest being like, could you stop drinking 47 beers a day? Sure. This feels awesome. You're ripped. Yeah. My parents came famously. They came to the show, and my dad was like –

he's got a problem. He's got a button down tucked in with slacks on. He's like, this is insane because Burt would chug like a 16 ouncer and then do the set and throw it down and the crowd would go nuts. And my dad's like, that's insane. And then we're drinking after. He's like, this is too much. I'm like,

He's the machine. Yeah, but when you're an older person, it's more clear to you. But I remember being in high school at dinner with my family, and I got a second beer. My grandfather was like, he had two beers. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I get way more fucked up than this, pops. I know. I'm taking it easy. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. But, like, you know, to them, they're like, what the hell are you doing? But also, when you're young, you're like, I'm going to bounce back. I'll be fine. Yeah. That's when you hit your, like, mid to late 40s. That's when you got to, like, be a little careful. I know. I know. Did I ever tell you by the time I got, I blacked out in high school, my friends dropped me off at my house on the porch, then shot the whole house up with paintballs. My dad comes out in a robe. He's like, God, you fucking kids. And then he pulled me in, and I was with my high school girlfriend at the time. He spanks me in the hallway, and I start laughing. Yeah.

He's got me over his knee. He didn't know what to do because my dad's not really good with feelings and stuff. So he's like, God damn it, you're a drunk. And I was like, ah! Then he starts eating your ass. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, that pissed him off more. So he just throws me upstairs and he goes, you stay down here. And he put my girlfriend in the living room and he interrogated her. He's like, what's his problem? Why is he drinking so much? And she was shit faced. In a porno, his dad would just start fucking his girlfriend. Dad, stop. Very elaborate porno with the paintball and everything. It's like Gran Torino. He just returns fire. Yeah.

He kills all your friends. He doesn't know they're paintballs. That's true. Yeah, my dad was in the military, too, so he's not fucking around. He's covered in purple paint. They're all in fucking red. He's dead. Do you see the bandana tie? He's got the artillery and an armoire. He's like, I've been waiting for this. And he goes out there, you fucking kids. So I had to clean the paintball shit the next day, hung over. But they sent me to counseling.

What? Yeah. So I had to go to counseling and I was in there and I remember being so mad at my dad because he spanked me and he yelled at me and all that. And I'm in counseling and the lady's like, so why do you drink so much? Have you ever been beaten? And I remember thinking, well, I could fuck my dad right now.

But I didn't do it. I was like, no, no. I just think I like drinking. It was fun. So I'd say we got it all out in high school. I had... I remember my parents, we went to Miami one year for like... It was like my dad would go there for work and he like turned it into a family trip. And I...

I went out at night and I got fucking wasted and I somehow ended up with the fireman's badge. I don't know how I had it. I just found it somewhere. So I was just like, I was just like using it. I was a kid. I was stupid. So I remember I smoked so much weed in high school and this is when weed was like considered very bad. Yeah, yeah. And they found it and they gave me, as I'm high, they gave me an intervention. What? And my mom, as the kicker, takes out the badge.

Oh, wow. And I was like, she's like, you're living a double life. I'm like, no, I just got drunk and I took a badge. So I had to mail the badge back to the fireman. You think I was like, what do you think? I'm like rolling in. I'm like, this is under my jurisdiction now. But my mom was so fucking mad at me. You show up to 9-11 and I'm here, guys.

I got this. Yeah, it's not like a cop badge. It's not like a cool, I just show up to a fire. Right, right. But I was just a dumb kid. Yeah, same. But my mom was like, they were so mad. Look, I was always high. I was just always high. Oh, really? You were that kid. I was that kid. You're just like, ugh.

I know that. My friend was like that. But those hijinks were wild looking back because we're lucky we're alive. I mean, the drunk driving we did and the fist fighting and all this shit. Like, one time we were at a bar. We had no money. We're at this shitty dive bar in New Orleans. This guy pays for a high life, I remember, with a 50. And he, like, turns around for a second. And the bartender puts, like, $47.50 on the bar. And I just went...

And I took it and I go, let's get out of here. We got out of there and we just fucking partied the night away. We bought like two handles of vodka. You know, we just went to town, went to fucking Burger King and went to a parking lot. We're chugging shit. I mean, it was horrible. You're like John Cusack and grifters. Yes. Yes.

Exactly. One time that's going to go wrong, though, you know? Oh, yeah. It went wrong a few times. The handle of vodka, like pop-off vodka, that was like the move. Or like anything cheap that would get you fucked up. Because when you're a kid, you can deal with a cheap alcohol hangover. But then you get older, you're like, I don't want to fucking feel...

I don't want to feel a shitty cheap booze hangover. But back then, you didn't even think of health. It was just like, how can we get the most fucked up for the cheapest? Smoking blunts on the stoops and stuff. And you're just like, I'm a fucking idiot. But now it's so much better because as a kid, it's like peer pressure. And you're like, oh, I just got to do this. But now I'm like, I enjoy it.

Yeah, same. This is nice. Yeah, this is great. I feel loose and good. It may be our second one a day, so we're a little looser than normal. Last story. One time we got fucked up. We were doing the aerosol in a grocery store. And my friend, who is pretty smart, he's like now he lives in Seattle. He's like a lawyer. He's married with kids. He goes, I got a crazy idea. We went out to the parking lot. There was a yappy dog in a car with the window cracked.

and he goes how about this we'll go back in we'll get high again we'll steal a bunch of laxative and dog treats we'll put the laxative in the dog treat this kid was pretty creative and he goes we'll slip it through that crack in the window when the guy comes back out his dog will have shit all over the car and i'm like you're a fucking genius so we we got all the shit we stole the whatever and then we went outside and gave it to the dog and the guy goes

hey, get the fuck away from my dog. So we had to run away. So we never got to enjoy the payoff. You've read and watched too many cartoons? Yeah. That's amazing. I mean, just to have the idea to do that. I mean, maybe did you get that from something about Mary or something? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know where he got that. Remember when they put the drugs in the food and they throw it in? Oh, that's true. That's true. This was laxative, but yeah. Yeah, those were wild times. No phone, no camera. I mean, do you have like the meat in the park? We're all fighting, that old shit? Did you guys ever do that stuff? That was terrifying. Yeah. The,

But yeah, I remember I had one friend who was like, he was like the kid. You ever have that one friend who's like untouchable? Yes. He's like the guy who's like fucking everyone's girlfriend. He's like the piece of shit. But you're like, hey, he's a survivor. You got to love him. Until one day I remember I could beat the shit out of him like bad. And then he prepared to beat the shit out of him. He brought a bottle of piss with him. So after he beat the shit out of him, he dumped the piss on him. Whoa. I mean, that's kind of badass. I guess. But you could just piss on him.

Yeah, it might give like nerves. That's true. There's nothing less cool than beating the shit out of someone whipping down and being like, ah, fuck, I can't. I can't go. I had stage fright. I couldn't do it. So now your dick's just out. But that kid, it's funny how people grow up because that kid came to my show in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And he was kind of like the hot, badass kid. And now he's kind of like shy. Interesting. People grow up. I mean, everyone's like, you become a different. He's still a sweet kid. And he was actually always nice to me. But he got...

He was like a cry for help kid. He got arrested in front of my home because... Whoa. Yeah. In Chelsea? No, it was Upper East Side. Oh, okay. So he takes out a butterfly knife in a taxi cab and he starts carving swastikas into it. What the fuck? Are you Jewish? Yeah. It was a cry for help.

That was just what you carved then. And then my mom goes out and has to see him get pulled away by the cops. Oh, no. And it's like it's a hard time convincing your mom that kid's going to sleep over ever again. My mom's like, the one who did the swastikas? I'm like, he's a Jew. It was a cry for help. He was a bad kid. It was a cry for help. But I saw him at a show, and he's like a shy kind of like, you know, timid. It's like people, everyone's got their problems, and he had like a family that was fucked up. Everyone's got their shit, you know? Yeah. Like, yeah.

bringing a bottle of piss to a fight and then losing you gotta walk home all bloody with a bottle of piss in your hand oh yeah that's brutal you dump it on your own head I deserve this I fucking lost it would have been the fight you get kicked and it pops you know that's not good either

Yeah. That's a tough one, right? You got to really, the P is, it's so disrespectful. Like you think getting spit on is disrespectful. That's a, I know, but kids fighting too. You're just like, it's so stupid. Oh dude. We had a guy in our school. He was like the bad kid is everybody knew his dad beat him. Like in gym class, we'd get shirts off and he had just back, his back was just bruised and fucked up from who knows what. And,

And he stole my friend's ball. We were all playing basketball, and my friend, he's standing against a brick wall, and he goes, give my fucking ball back. And he took it, and you couldn't cross this kid. So he grabbed the ball from my friend again and threw it at my friend's face, hit the face, head hit the back of the wall, or back of the head hit the wall, passed out. And seeing that, you're just like...

This is a tough school. That's like a badass bully, too. Yeah. What? Bad people always have great aim. Yes. Have you noticed that? That one kid would always like, this is the kid I'm talking about. I remember one time he just took a tennis ball and just gunned it at me and hit me right in the face. I was like, how the fuck? I know.

What, are you going to the major leagues? That was incredible. I think it's... I was angry, but I was also like, oh, my God. They have no nerves, so they're not, like, they never flinch. You're right. They're just like, I just live, baby. I don't think about shit. I got no anxiety. But this kid, like, wasn't an athlete, but he just had that gear to him. Well, I was like, that was fast, the way, like, you could gun it. He wasn't, like, I don't think he played sports or anything, but, like... Wow. I think he was actually, like, he might have played, like, hockey or...

But it was like he was the goon. Yeah, yeah. You got to love that kid where you're like, he's got no athletic ability, but like, he would just walk up to a kid and punch him in the face. And you're like, all right, penalty box. You served your purpose. Right, right. You scared the other team. I love the idea of you bringing a kid over and your mom's like, no. And you're like, he's a Jew. He's one of us. No, I remember like...

No, but you need that friend, though. Everyone has that friend who's kind of the bad influence, but you see the good in him. And look, sometimes they push it too far, but sometimes you fucking... There's something about them you admire. That kid pushes it to the limit, especially when you're a kid. And he would have your back in a second if something went down. They have nothing to lose, those kids. He did. I remember one time we were walking on the street, and we were just drinking 40s on the street, and...

this guy like this crazy guy popped shit and we all fucking ran and he stood tall and talked and talked shit to him and the guy respected him wow we were like wow we're fucking pussy we were like seventh grade yeah but the fact that he like and also it's like what the hell are you doing in seventh grade talking shit to a grown man but he did it and we were like man this guy's kind of a badass you know yeah we had a guy like that too hunter we uh we were getting our car towed and we were like fuck it we'll beat you guys up you know it's just one guy and then he's like oh yeah

And then two giant black dudes came out of the truck and were like, ah, because it was just two of us and now three of them. And my friend stood there. He's like, I don't give a shit. And we're like, come on, Hunter, let's get out of here. And he stood there and he goes, you guys are...

And this guy's a real man, but we're still towing your car. And he towed the car. Yeah, I feel like this is what a real man is. Then they beat him to death. But just so you know, that guy was cool. Yeah, yeah. That we just killed. And now he's the president's son. Now he was the treasurer at a college. And we're like, how the fuck did you get that? He's like, we're going out tonight. I got all the alumni money. He was still a piece of shit. But...

I don't know what he's doing now, but he was like a tough kid. It's funny that kid grows up and like, uh, like, dude, how do you get fired from your job? He's like swastikas again. I fucking, I can't stop. Uh, but it's like, that's the thing. It's like, my mom was immediately like, he's, oh, he's anti-Semitic. I'm like, his last name is Steinberg. Right. We should believe that name. Yeah. But he was a,

he's had a good heart, man. People are, people are fucked up. They're dealing with their shit. He had, he had bad stuff at home. You never know. You never know what people are going through. So I think like my mom didn't see that, but I saw that. So I like, I felt for him. Yeah. He also introduced me to one of my favorite weird ass movies. Shout out, uh, monkey shines old school. I think it's a Stephen King. Never heard of it. It's Stephen roots in it. Uh,

that dude who's Scientology, ground floor Scientology's in it. It's literally the funniest movie ever. It's like, it's a horror, but Stanley Tucci's in it. Oh, wow. It's about a guy who's like an athlete, that guy, you know, from the Scientology doc. Oh, yeah. And he gets paralyzed.

He gets hit by a car and he's paralyzed from the neck down and they get him a monkey helper. The monkey is like his personal assistant. The monkey can do anything. And it's like, oh my God, this monkey's awesome. And then it turns out people like his girlfriend leaves him and starts fucking another dude. And the monkey gets mad and the monkey starts like acting out his rage and murdering people. So he has to turn against the monkey, but he's still paralyzed. It's insane. It's great. Amazing.

When I did Donnelly's movie podcast, he was like, you gotta pick a movie that doesn't have great reviews and defend it. Yeah. So that was Defend Your Movie. I remember that. It's a great premise for a pod. Yeah. But I remember he watched it. He was like, this is actually a pretty good movie. I'm like, it's pretty fucking good. Damn. And it started the monkey cam.

Oh, from Letterman? Well, it was like from the monkey. He'd be in running, but it'd be from his perspective. Oh. I'll watch that. That sounds fun. It's a great, ridiculous, fun movie. Mm-hmm. I mean, you're going to laugh out loud a lot. Sure, sure. What is this? What's happening here? He's killing somebody with a syringe. What?

I can't see the picture. The monkey's administering medicine or something. Oh, okay. There's some dark shit in that movie. It's pretty crazy. I'd say so. He's holding a fucking razor with blood on it in the poster. Well, the monkey will shave him. Oh, hilarious. It's a ridiculous premise, but I love movies like that that are just like...

insane and stick to it and uh you ever heard that Patton Oswalt that old bit about how he's it's called deathbed and he's like people had to come up like get a call sheet come we're going to do deathbed at 6 a.m we got a lighting guy like they had so much production behind this movie and that's how I think about with all these movies like there was a grip there was a PA like I need my coffee now we're doing monkey shine what's the rotten tomatoes on that Salacuse because I wonder

I wonder what we got there. Yeah, it's hilarious. But the thing is, you don't know if you're making something awesome. Yeah, exactly. Oh, 53. 53. Man, not a great audience. 41 by the fans. I stand by it. I think it's kind of fun. I love movies like that because they don't really make these anymore. It's just such a wacky idea.

Exactly. Hail Mary. And it's like now if you make it, it's got to be like a little more like you're making fun of it. Yeah. Like I didn't see that movie Cocaine Bear, but it seems more like this. By the way, that's what it takes to sell a movie. Now you have to dumb it down that much for an exec. You need the you need the synopsis to be the title. Yes. It's a bear that's on cocaine. Cocaine bears are like, fuck it.

Exactly. I know. That's how it is now. Well, you've seen that viral clip of Seinfeld going around. Have you seen that where he's like, so I've noticed in comedians he's getting interviewed. Comedians in cars, you have a lot of white men. He goes, we're doing this now. Here we go. And he just goes completely apeshit. I wish he was like, fuck you.

Fuck you, you fucking dumb piece of shit. He does his version. He's like, great. Yeah, let's talk about this. This is what I want to talk about. By the way, the guy interviewing him, a white guy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, okay, well, like. What about your job? Should we fire you? Should we give your job away? Let's bring in Cat Williams. I just think it's lame when people are counting. I think, like, diversity is good. Of course diversity is good. But, like, when you're counting and you're just like, yeah, play it.

Mostly white males of 22 episodes. Yeah, let's get into that. The crowd's with him. The crowd loves it. Because you know what I don't like about this guy? It's a gotcha. It's a gotcha moment. Exactly. He's like, I'm going to get one over on Jerry. He's almost proud of himself. I remember Guy Branum did this at the Cellar.

years ago when like he did the whole he wrote this whole piece like fuck the comedy seller and their white males club by the way look at the lineups it's pretty fucking diverse there yeah but uh it's booked by women but yeah booked by an Israeli woman but uh

lineups. They showcase all kinds of styles, people of all backgrounds. And I remember on the Cellar podcast, he was like, how many trans people do you have here? And Rich Vox goes, you have your own TV show. How many trans writers do you have? And he goes, none. And he's like, okay then. What are we doing here? By the way, there are trans comics at the Cellar. Yeah. But like, what are you doing? Like these, these moments, like we're going to book the comics that are right for this room and the best comics. And it's like, you know,

You know, I, of course, like inclusion is great. Inclusion is important. Diversity is important. But also like the idea of like these hall monitors. I know. I know. Just thinking like they're doing the Lord's work by trying to bust a guy. It's like. Exactly. What do you think? And they don't realize that guy doesn't really. He's being a bully. He's bully. He's like, I'm going to get you in trouble right now. This is going to look really bad for you. And it's going to be very public. And you're going to get yelled at by the Internet and all that. And you're like.

That's mean. You're being mean. I know you think you're saving the world, but you're doing a mean thing under the guise of moral superiority. That's why I don't like it. That's exactly what it is. Play the rest of it.

A lot of whitey. He's talking about the crowd here. But I know this really pisses me off. I won't give him a minute. I love it. This is me off. People think it's the census or something. Yeah. Represent the actual pie chart of America. Who cares?

It's just funny. You know, funny is the world that I live in. You're funny. I'm interested. You're not funny. I'm not interested. By the way, his opener is Mario Joyner on the road. Wait, what the fuck? Why is he with a white guy? What the hell is that? Yeah, I know, right? But yeah, it's just like him and propping up Julie Louis-Dreyfus. Now she's great and we all love her. I don't know. It's like...

Why do we have to count? And now we're focusing more on race. And now we're dicing it up based on boxes. They want you to not see color, but at the same time check the boxes. There's something so insincere about that, right? Well, Elon Musk, you see that whole thing with Mark Cuban? What? Oh, they went at it about DEI on Twitter. And I like Cuban, but he was going hard, and Musk, I think, might be on drugs. Yeah.

But... Wait, you think? Well, he's like, he's really, you know, amped up. It is hilarious how powerful he is and how much...

he has. And then like, I mean, there was that whole thing. I mean, when he went on Rogan and smoked weed, like you fucked up stock. Stock went way down. Yeah. I mean, your shareholders are like, can you not get drunk on or high on camera? I know. I know you're a businessman. Yeah. But either way they go at it about D I. And he's like, you know, Musk is like, this is actually inherently racist. You know, we're judging people based on the color of their skin. And,

Mark Cuban's like, well, it's actually good to have diverse opinions. And he's like, yeah, I agree, but it should be the best. And if the best happened to be this and Mark Cuban won't let up and then Musk goes, all right, cool. Well, let me know when there's a short Chinese woman on the Mavs.

And you're kind of like, it's a good point. You know what I think, Mark? You want to say check and made. I just hired one. We signed a Chinese old woman point guard. We moved Kyrie Irving to the bench. We'll see how it plays out. And I hope they do that because they're playing the Knicks soon. But that would be funny. That would be hilarious because they would just venture. They'd put her in for one second. I mean, if you're running a company, I mean, this is...

And I agree. I like Mark Cuban a lot. It's easy for him to say once he sold the Mavs and his Mavs stock, got like three something mil. And Cuban is incredibly generous. He just gave like 35 million to employees who worked there. I mean, like as a like, I'm out of here. I mean, he's still there, but he's.

he's a minority owner now, I think. And that, that medicine shit he does. Oh, I forget. I'm fucking up the name. Give that a go. He makes medicine cheaper for everybody. Yeah. It's a great service. He seems like a cool guy. And I honestly, if you're listening to this Cuban, we'd love to have you on. Yeah. Hell yeah. Uh,

And he does podcasts. Oh, yeah? He just did my old co-host Julian Edelman's podcast. Oh, there you go. We'd love to have him on. I like now he's a minority owner. Minority owner. Because I think he is a great owner. Like, he turned that franchise around. But anyone who's running a business, you want...

And you want the business to succeed. You want the best. Yeah. I like the Mavs. I'm sure it's 98% black, which is great. Actually, the best player is Slovenian. Luka? Luka. Luka Magic. But Kyrie's their second best player. I kind of want to play a Luka compilation. Can we do that real quick? Why? You love Luka? I fucking love him. Yeah, he's great. His sports or his... His sports comp. Okay. I don't know if he was funny or something. He's kind of funny. Okay. He's great. I think about Luka, though, is...

I don't know if I'd want to play with him because he's like that. He does that. He holds the ball so long that if I was a teammate, I think it would take me out of it. Like, whereas Jokic, I feel like it makes quicker decisions. But, like, I do. I mean, Luke is phenomenal. He's a great player. What do you think? Like a ball hog? Well, look. Just look at this ISO shit he's doing. Oh, I see. Oh, that was a nice pass. Behind the back. That was sick.

No, he's sick. I mean, he's like... He gets some Larry Bird comps for sure. When are we going to get a white guy from here? But look up Kyrie. Look up best of Kyrie and tell me this guy is not like a magician. A white guy from here? Well, we had like Stockton and Larry Bird, but I feel like who's the honky from America? I don't know why I can't think of him right now. Oh, there's a kid actually right now. Porzingis? Flag. Yeah, but he's from...

That's what I'm saying. They're all from some other crazy place. Yeah, we got this guy. I think it's Cooper Flagg. He's from Maine. He's going to be ridiculous. Oh, the Maine event. Yeah. Yeah, that guy's awesome. Look at Kyrie, man. He can dunk. Left-handed. Oh, wow. I mean, this guy's one of the—I think Kyrie's the prettiest player I've ever seen. Look at this shit. Uh-oh. You're not even getting his best crosses and shit. That's where he like—

Wow, good name. Kyrie Irving. I mean, with the ball, he's like a magician. Oh, look at that. Double fake with a turn. Where's he from? I think he's from Jersey originally. I probably got that in high school. Really? Wow, you've gotten everybody. Oh, look at that.

Damn. You really see it on the replay where you're like, how the fuck did he do... And that's on a world-class defender, Drew Holiday. Do you think Michael Jordan's sitting at home going, wow, is he watching basketball, you think? Or is he sick of it? I don't know if he does. But he definitely, like... I still think he thinks he's... I bet he's so competitive he's still watching like, I'm better. I bet you. I guarantee it. If he does, like...

Jordan, and he's probably right. Yeah. I mean, like, I don't know, because Jordan's probably watching this guy like, yeah, that was a hell of a move, but he wouldn't have done that move on me. Because Jordan was all defense every year, too. Like, people forget, like, you're dealing with the best on both ends, and there was pride in that. And I think, like, if you watch interviews with Jordan, he'll be like, no player would ever beat me one-on-one. And they say, what if anyone could? He goes, maybe Kobe, because he steals all my moves. Whoa!

You know? But he's like, he was like, watch LeBron, I'd beat him. Watch Carmelo, I'd beat him. Watch Kevin Durant, I'd beat him. But like, I think like...

But then you see Kobe and he's like, Durant is the only guy I would have trouble with. Because he's so fucking tall and hard to... But, you know, look, the game evolves. It's, you know... I'm worried about it. I think Jordan's hitting the cigars too much because he's getting the red eyes. You see this? Let him live, man. He's the best ever. I mean, he can have all the cigars he wants. I'm just worried about the guy. I don't want him to get the high blood pressure. Yeah.

It is funny that he could put, there's a clip of Jordan, I don't know if you've ever seen this, at Chris Paul's basketball camp, and they go, you get a free pair of Jordans if he misses one shot, and he doesn't miss the whole camp, and he doesn't miss one shot. But then I think he just gave one to everyone anyway, but like, I mean, yeah, is this it? Oh, this is so fucking funny.

What's this? You get a free pair of Jordan the whole camp if he misses a shot. Oh, the whole camp gets him? Yeah. Wow, that's a lot of shoes. Look at this. If he misses. Holy shit. This is a lot of pressure. Yeah, but this is what he lives for. He loves pressure. That's true. Now they hate that he's making it. Ha, ha, ha. That's hilarious. They're booing him. Ah. Oh. That's great. And they're putting their foot...

I think he still just gives them to everyone, but that is hilarious that he's like, I'm going to make every shot. Fuck them kids. Well, that's a win-win. He got to make all of them, and they get the shoes. Everybody's happy, and he stole the goat. And you get to see, you're like, holy shit, that's pretty cool. Yeah. You get to see Michael Jordan. Boy, wouldn't you love a photo with him? Vitor has one. We're having Vitor on soon. That's true. What's this story? The story's amazing. Yeah, I love this. Kobe. Yeah.

Is the audio good enough? This is Amon Shumpert. You can't hear this. The music's killing this shit. I know. Why do they do that with the music? Because they think it's more dramatic. But Shumpert was the shooting guard in the Knicks.

He's a great storyteller. That is pretty insane. Wait, you were already celebrating? You gotta love radio, guys.

That's just unfair. Wow. Over the glass. He pulled up and laced it. I'm like, they called a timeout. Dan Tony looking at me. I'm like, bro.

For the record, that guy, Shumpert, was like a really good defensive player. What happened? He won a championship with the Cavs. He retired. Oh, wow. But he was a Knick, and he was... I love Shumpert. Good storyteller, too. Yeah, he's good on podcasts, but I mean, like, the amount of disrespect to say to a guy, you had a good game, and the game's not over, like...

Just enjoy that you had this. Yeah. Like, he just didn't, he was, I feel like the world kind of went to shit when Kobe died. I feel like things were okay before that. I think you got something there. It was just, that was like January before COVID. Yes. Wow. I think you got something there. And our buddy Adam Glenn texted me before it happened because he works for TMZ.

And he was like, Kobe's fucking dead. And I said, shut the fuck up. No, he's not. And he goes, I know you love basketball. I know you love Kobe. And I was like,

That day was the worst. That was a sad day and the end of Ari's career. They both died that day. We've got to have Ari back on here. I fucking miss Ari. I feel like I get an occasional hoops text from him, but I don't see you because I don't work the stand. You see him more than I see him. I haven't seen him in a minute, but he called me and he goes, hey, do you have this bit? And we ended up talking for like an hour and a half. He's a fun guy.

Yeah, he's a fun... He's just a good fit on this pod, too. He's just like... I know. I just miss his energy. He can roll with anything, and he's doing Adrian Ippolucci's special. Oh, with Louis. With Louis. And he's like, she has a bit. Do you have this bit? And I was like, no, it's a little different. It's all good. And I'm excited about the special. I love her. Because Louis is producing it, and Louis is pumped about it. She's got maybe...

Top ten jokes, favorite jokes of mine ever. I probably said it on the pod before. I think so, but say it again. It's a great one. One more time, Adrienne Iapolucci shout out. We should definitely have her on at some point to promote that. Yeah. My boyfriend threatened to kill himself, and I was like, oh, great. Now I can't kill myself or people are going to think we were in love. Oh, wow. That's fucking brilliant. That's powerful. That's like a...

Yeah. Great joke. Yeah. I emailed Louie the other day at like 2 a.m. because I'd just been re-watching Louie. Me too. And I was just like, hey, man, I haven't seen you around in a while, but I just want to let you know I'm just happy this show exists. Yeah. And he wrote me this long, thoughtful email back. Well, he took two years off, so he's got some time. But he's coming back. That show is like everything I love about –

like so much, like the comedy seller in New York city, comedy, just his comedy in general, uh, New York, like the way they portray New York in that city as like, as like a character against him. Yes. Like, like the way when there's, uh, you know, when there's drilling outside place and then it's just in his apartment, they're just drilling or, you know, the, the scene, the episode where he, uh,

I mean, you should pull this clip where he's... Where Louis misses his flight.

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I mean, the episode with Seinfeld is so fucking funny. Gervais. Yeah. It's like William Stevenson is in it. You see Greer Barnes. All these people. I tell. I rewatched the poker scene with Hannibal and Norton and Rick Crome. Yeah. It's crazy to see all these comics. It was a different time. Yeah. It's like, it just speaks to me. It's just like a, you know. Oh, yeah. That went viral. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, you're not gonna play it? I'm asking you. Oh, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, this was big. You just misgendered him. Multiple times. Both of you have. Well, she did do it intentionally twice. You said she and then you said he.

You're being condescending. And if you want to continue, I have full authority to escort you out the building right this moment if you want to play that game with me. Would you like to continue three days before Christmas? I really don't mind. Damn, that guy is... He stayed in the pocket because you could tell he was furious. And he could have been like, get the fuck... But he just kept it pretty...

Yeah. But you could feel the anger. It was impressive how you could feel the anger, but he still kept it together. For me, it was like the activist was saying, this is my power, and I'm going to use it every which way I can. And then he ran up against someone with a little more power than him, and he was like, I'm folding. I'm folding.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. He's like, oh, you can kick me off the flight. My little power shit is nothing against what you have, which is TSA. Because I want to get on that flight. I want to get on the flight. Yeah. I've been on both sides of that where, like, I've been the guy who loses it a little bit because sometimes they just fuck you. Oh, yeah. I've had them shut the door in my face when they didn't have to do that. Yep. Because they just... You run into...

power hungry people totally occasionally but I've also seen people mistreat them and I mean that's one of my fucking bits in my last special is a woman just abusing a TSA woman and Vita and I just start fucking roasting her ass oh yeah until Gary threatens to take his dumb shirt off and he blew it because she called him short he goes you should see me with my shirt off I'm like dude that is not good we had her yeah we had her we're good comedians we could have just killed her here yeah but we had

But like, so it's like when it's unwarranted, but I have seen it where they are just fucking assholes. Oh, totally. And it's like, dude, they do have power over you. They have power over your schedule. That can impact your life. Oh, yeah. You don't know what that person's traveling for. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, Mark just went on vacation and lost a day. I mean, like,

there's a guy who's reluctant to take any time off and then he does and he's like I knew I shouldn't have taken time off exactly I know you're thinking that I was I was totally but at one time and they take it all so seriously these TSA people even though they hate their job it's just a fucking bullshit job but they're like

you know, I'm like, I'm basically, I'm an airport cop. I have power over the airwaves and all this shit. And I was running to catch a door and I, it was closing and I put my foot in it and the guy closed the door on my foot and he, and he goes, are you crazy? And you want to be like, I get it.

You're a TSA guy. But he looked at me like I was fucking... Oh, they say it like you punched a cop. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, door's not closed. I'm trying to be silly about it. Like, hey, door's not closed. I can get in there. And he goes, you're messing with TSA and this is a federal offense. And I'm like...

It's a fucking door at the end of the day. I know we got to pretend it's this airport horse shit, but it's a goddamn door. It's literally like the floor is lava. Yes, yes. We're not kids. Dude, yeah, I had a thing that happened with that where the person couldn't get the door open for the bags when you have to gate check your bags because it's one of those tiny planes. And we all have connect flights. And the person's like, I don't know how to open it. And I'm like, fuck it. And we're just like all losing it. Yeah. You see that one guy who's like, ah!

And you're just like, all right, you got to chill the fuck out. Like, this isn't worth. I don't give a fuck if I miss. But then I tried to open the door to get help. And he's like, what are you doing? You can shut down the whole airport. I'm like, well, then you're a shitty airport. Right, right. You run into the TSA person occasionally. I travel with, you know.

pepper spray sometimes just in my bag because like sometimes you'll see like i take long walks in some of these unsavory areas sometimes because i'm like i'm a city person i like to walk and we stay downtown but you know sometimes you see like lunatics running at you and i don't use it ever but it's just like you have it on you in case in case they have a weapon or something you're like okay i can just like handle this but they took the guy took it he's like you can't travel with this and i'm like what's that annoying thing though now where it's like i can't you can't order it

to New York like it's legal in New York but you can't order it to New York yeah you know what I mean oh yeah right there's one place on 48th street that sells it but you can only buy two a year yeah and they fucking keep track of you

Is that right? Yeah. Well, I hate, because look, I get it. There's rules. It's an airport. People's lives at stake. But, you know, if I don't put the tray up and we land, we'll be fine. You know? Or if I don't put my seat up. Maybe that's what happened on that Alaska flight. Yeah. But I do it. I play ball. But sometimes you're like, all right. So I was in first class. I was in like 1B. I was in the window on the first row.

I get off the plane and I go, ah, I left my AirPods on the seat, literally sitting around the seat. So I turn around real quick. I'm like the second guy or third guy off the plane. And I go, Hey, I love my AirPods. And the lady goes, it's a federal fence to come back on. And I'm like, I get it. We got the spiel, but I can just pick them up and I'll be out of your hair. And she's, well, can you get them? Like, I don't get what she's like. We have to wait till everybody deboards. That's the procedure. And you're like, I get it. I know it, but there's a, what do you call that? Uh, something of the law. Uh,

Letter of the law? Spirit of the law? Spirit of the law. There's a spirit of the law, which is like, hey, you're not allowed to speed, but...

If my wife is pregnant and she's going into labor, I'd like to get to the hospital, so I'm going to speed. And they kind of go, all right, go, go, go. So there's that. So I'm like, it's right there. I'll knock it out. I know you got your rules, but this is different, kind of. And the pilot heard me bitching, and he goes, I got it. And he walks over, and he grabs it and hands it to me, and it was all over. So it's like, you could do it, but I get those rules. But, like, come on. It's literally like T-shirt's pet, annoying. Yes.

Well, you're like, you don't have to be this way. Is there homework? Are we going to have homework tonight? You know, all that shit. I want homework. Yes. Yeah, you're like, dude, please. Oh, yeah. I got some shit. I wrote some stuff down. You got bits or peeves?

I got a peeve. Hell yeah. I use, you ever go to one of these bathrooms where the toilet's facing the wrong way? The toilet, it's like a single and the toilet's facing the door. I'm like, oh cool, so now if the lock's broken, some guy's just gonna get a fucking full dose of full frontal here. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm literally just facing the door. I think that happened to me. I can't remember if it was, I,

I know... Okay, I went to see Lily Tomlin once in Red Bank, New Jersey. Oh, wow. And my biological father's wife is best friends with her. Okay. Because she was her hairdresser for years for all the shows. So we're back...

We're backstage, and I'm peeing, and I'm pretty sure Lily Tomlin saw my dick. Oh, wow. Lesbian. She's an old star. It didn't do anything for her. But I was kind of like, I think the door was, the toilet was, I don't remember. Check at the Cal Basie Theater. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. But I was in a toilet recently where that happened. I'm like, who the hell designed that? Yeah.

Just a dude who's like, I'm not washing my hands. I'm in a fucking hurry. Yeah. I gotta get out. Let's be honest. That crack in the stall is enough. You can get a look in there with that hinge. Yeah, totally. How about the urinals that have a mirror? Have you seen it? Seen this?

I haven't seen that. I don't want to see myself. Yeah, what is that? So you can do your makeup while you're pissing? Yeah, right. Well, you know, it's an all-gender bathroom. But I don't like the mirror in the barbershop. I got to look at my dumb face for half an hour? This is an eternity. Yeah. Now, where are you guys at on the phone at the barber? If I get a text, sometimes I'll, like, peek, but just to make sure it's not, like, important. Yeah. Yeah, I don't...

I try not to check. Same here. But I see guys just full on like, and then I think, well, that's rude. But then I go, well, what's the difference? It's not affecting the haircut. Yeah, it's kind of a bummer because I feel like in every sitcom, the guy and his barber are like boys and they're like talking shit. I've never really had a barber where I'm like, fucking, you know, what do you think about Randall last night? You know? Yeah. It's always like, my friend, how you want? A little off the sides. Okay. Yeah.

Motherfucker. You don't even speak English, you Russian weirdo. It's also the same. I'm always like, I never even remember. I don't know how I don't ever remember. They're like, what number blade on the side? I'm like, I don't fucking know. I don't remember either. All I know is round the back. You go round? I go round, yeah. I don't know if I go round or straight. Let me see.

Oh, that's round, baby. I'm round. I'm round and ready to pound. I spin you right round, baby, right round. Yeah, but I hate getting a haircut. It's the worst. Yeah, I fucking hate it. I hate it. You know what the thing is? Sometimes I'll go too short. Yes. I look like shit just so I don't have to go back for a while. Same. It's just like an annoying thing straight in the middle of your day. I don't.

I don't like it. I don't like it either. I try to run this as a bit, but it was too stupid about how like my wife comes back. She's like, I got it washed. And then me and the girls talked about the 90 day fiance and I got a glow up and all this. And I'm like, man, I got yelled at by Ukrainian guy paid out of the ass and I got the fuck out of there. And now I hate myself. It's such a, the man versus woman haircut is such a different experience. But it depends because a lot of them see, you know, like,

you know, Korean ladies or something. So sometimes they don't have the, the, the banter always. Right. Right. I mean, sometimes they do, but sometimes they're just, there's a language barrier. But, uh, I tried to do one where I'm like, I won't make reservations at the barbershop. I don't either. So I always get the shitty barber. Yeah. The guy who's untaken. So they're like, well, all the all-star barbers, like us are taken, but that guy in the propeller head in the corner is all yours. Uh, stabby, get over here. Yeah.

But it doesn't really work either. I like it. I try to think also about the difference between men and women, like health, well, not health care, but like body upkeep. Like women go to spas, they get the cucumber, the mud bath, the deep tissue, and guys are like, rub and tug. Keep me up to date. Yeah, I get in, I get out, I get off. This lady's doing a full-on health day. He's like, let's make it quick. I think...

We like women listening to us complain about this right now. We're so fucking annoyed because of how long a hair appointment for a woman takes. Oh, yeah, that's true. We're literally like 20 minutes in and out and it's annoying. And women are there for like three hours. Three hours. And by the way, it's like $400 sometimes or something crazy like that. Yeah. Have you ever seen a woman get the coloring and they've got the foil out with the different layers of foil? And there's like 18 pieces of foil and then the painting of the head.

It's a banana's job. And you're like, I am so glad I don't have to sit through that. It looks so weird. So weird. Do you get fucking HBO with that thing? No. I know. And then they come out, they look great. But in the process, you're like, whoa, I don't want to see the sausage being made because it is wild.

It's like alien-like. Have you noticed your haircut's getting more expensive, too? They go way up. Way up! I never really got... Right now, my place is expensive just because I just started going to one right by me. But when I lived on the Upper West Side, they were fucking... I was getting away with like...

$28 haircuts for like New York. That's pretty damn good. Oh, I remember 14 back in the day. 14 was big. And you give him a 20. I want Blake on this show, dude. Oh, he's a cool guy. I love Blake. He's a funny guy. He's a funny guy and he's super nice. And he's, I think, still retired. So maybe not Blake. Are you listening, dude? Hit him up there, Peters. Yeah, we're fans. Yeah, I like Blake. He did my show at New York Comedy Club. And I'll tell you, all the women were swooning.

He's fucking, he was an incredible, I mean, he had a run where he was just like embarrassing people. Yeah. He became the dude that like you wanted to hurt on the other team because he was throwing down disrespectful dunks. And I kind of love that. He might be the last white. He's not white. American. He's half. Is he? He's got to be half. He looks like Michelle Wolf. He's got to be half white. Pull it, pull it. Give that a Wikipedia. I think he's a halfie. Is that a term? I guess. Yeah.

He's gotta be half Irish or something, right? Yeah, Griff. Griff is an Irish name. That Detroit year fucked up his career. He got no respect for it because he was playing hurt and he took him to the playoffs on like one leg and I think it just fucked his leg up. Hmm.

There you go. Because he was still bawling at you. He was awesome. He did a roast. He was kind of like getting in the comedy world for a minute. He did Montreal one year, I remember. Yeah, he just did a thing with, like Stavi just talked with him about something. Really? Yeah, he likes comics. Okay, great. He says Afro-Haitian descent and Gail Griffin, his mother, is white. Thank you.

There you go. Hey, Obama as well. Half white. I'll take credit for that. We get no love on the white side. Yeah. All right. Yeah, they always say half black instead of half white. Exactly.

So that was a member JL Kovan. Yeah. He had a great bit about, he's like, we got our first black president. Slow down. Half black. You know, he would have a whole thing. It was really funny. And he's half black. So he's the guy to do it. I sound like Gilbert Gottfried. Half black. I got, let me try. Yeah. Give me a bit. Let me try one on you. Has this been done? I'm worried. There's been done, you know, as you know,

A lady I'm seeing has a little pooch. Oh, yeah. We've met Winnie. And I take Winifred on walks. So, you know, I'm picking up the poop. And it's those same doggy bags forever, those thin little bags. You pick up the poop. You feel everything. Yeah. And I'm like, this is the worst. I feel everything. And then I fuck in a condom and I'm like, I feel nothing. Oh, I like it. I like it. And you can fuck in the ass. There's poop. You feel the poop with your dick. Well, it's still, it really depends on what you're doing.

Right. Right? Also, well, they're both warm. Yeah, that's true. The shit is warm. So is the vagina. It's a good point. You want to wear the glove to, you know, it's gross. It's poo. And you want to wear the condom. Yeah. So you don't get the bad part, the pregnant or the infected. So, yeah. You're trying not to get something bad. Yeah, I see both on the... There's something here, though. Yeah, definitely. I like it. You see both on the ground in New York.

I see bags of shit and condoms. I guess it depends on the bitch, right? Oh! I don't want to use bitch as a punch, though. Damn. But, you know, I think it's like, you know, who is it, Russ Meneve used to have a joke, like you see a condom on the street and you're like, who is this mixed up mystery man? He's like, he's reckless enough to have sex in the street, yet responsible enough to put a condom on. Oh, yeah. Oh, maybe the angle is your girlfriend gets mad if you don't have both ready.

Maybe she's like, hey, you got to take Winnie out and better bring a bag. And then you're like, hey, we're going upstairs. You better bring a bag. You better wear a condom. Fuck, what, really still? Yeah. I guess it's funny. It's like, yeah, well, the problem is when you want to feel. Yeah, true. I've never been like, man, I want a raw dog to pick up this poop. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Whoever's making the dog bag. By the way, raw dog. Oh.

Oh, that's good. Well, maybe whoever's making the bag should make condoms. Those two should come together. The condom guy should make the shit pick up.

Yeah. You'll never see extra thin doggy bags. Yeah, yeah. You need a magnum doggy. Doggy style also, by the way. True. There's a lot here, I think. Oh, Winnie. We'll have Winnie back next week. It sucks when she's not here. I know. The comments. It's just a good energy. They love Winnie in the comments. Everyone loves her. Who could see that dog? If you see that little pooch and you're angry, you got to look within. Yeah, that's true. That dog's a mirror. Yeah.

I like that. No, that's big. I think you got something with the bag there. Trojans should make dog shit bags. Yeah. Yeah, for your pleasure means you feel nothing. Right, right. Yeah, that's good. Then you're like, oh, I got a little. There was a hole in it. I broke it. What do you got? Remember tearing condoms? Those were wild nights. Yeah, I remember we were riffing a bit about...

I think you used me in one of your old, old bits where I was like, you were like my friend. He's like, you should put water in the condoms to make sure the girl didn't poke a hole in them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Had that go? We were like, yeah, that turns on women. Suspicion and paranoia. Oh, yeah. That was like an old Norman bit. I'm in the sink. Like, hold on, honey. Let me just check this. Although Drake did that shit. That's true. That's true. He put hot sauce in it, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Which, for some reason, women got mad at him. He's like, hey, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to kill this kid. It's one of the things you get mad at, but what you're doing is pretty fucking weird, too. Exactly. Okay, is this anything? So, you know, I'm getting older, and I discovered I have a gluten intolerance. I still eat it, but, you know, it fucks me up.

But it's hard because my mom is like a chef, big Italian foodie lady. So she's making pasta, pizza. She bakes her own bread. So I go back home and she's like, I baked a giant loaf of whatever. And I almost have to come out to my foodie mom that I'm gluten free. And it's almost like she's trying to set me up with a woman. And I'm like, I can't have the yeast. Or something. Something there where I'm... It's almost like coming out. That's what I'm saying. You're like a gay guy. Yeah, you're almost like...

I'm coming out of the closet. I can't have gluten. I'm coming out of the pantry. It's funny for, like, the South. It's like... It could be funny if the angle was, like, your family was, like, liberal. So this is, like, your version of having to be like, I'm gay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, saying you won't eat bread. And she's like, oh, my God. I never saw this coming. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, she's like, uh...

I tried the yeast line, and that did pretty well, but that feels like there's more there. Yeah, so she's making pizza, pasta, and you're like, I can't eat any of this shit. Yeah, and I'll eat it, but I'll puke. Like, it disgusts me, like a vagina. Yeah, I'll eat it, but I'll feel like shit afterwards. Yeah, I'll regret it. I'll feel bad. I'll be like, ugh. I'm only doing it for you. Yeah. It's not permanent.

Maybe, yeah, maybe something about, like, maybe it's, like, a conversation you're having with a gay friend. Oh, yeah. Or it's, like, oh, I had to fucking pretend to be straight for my family, and you're, like, tell me about it. I have to... I can't eat any of my mom's bread. Yeah. You know, like... And then we can compare, like, I, you know, women make me sick. I'm, like, bread makes me sick. Huh. Well, maybe he did come out. Maybe he was, like, I told him I was...

Oh, maybe he shows up with his boyfriend and I have to show up with gluten-free flour and they're both like, oh, this is horrible. I'll play with it. You never told me this. Yeah. It could be maybe more subtle. You never told me this was something you liked. Right. I'll just do all the things people say to a gay guy. Yeah. What else would they say? Also, there's gay bars and I have to go to certain restaurants. How long have you known? Oh, that's good. I was born this way. Yeah.

I just, yeah. You know, I used to eat regular bread, but I knew. That's good. I knew it was something like, I used to. Yeah, and I'll still shovel it down because, you know, I can go both ways, but I prefer the no bread. Yeah.

So, yeah. I could tell when I was doing it on stage, they were like, uh, uh, and then it... Isn't that the worst? Yeah, so I think there's something there. It's literally like you're fucking someone good and your dick just stops working. Yes, yes. And they're like, oh, here it comes, baby, and then nothing. Like, sorry. Yeah. All right. You got others? I got... Yeah, I got others. Hit me with another one. All right, let me try one. Let's see what we got. Let me see. Um...

We got Liz sending me pictures of her pug. Oh, that could have been real dirty. Oh, a woman I know sent me a picture of her breastfeeding. And she wrote, sorry if that's the female equivalent of a dick pic. And I was like, if I send you one of my penis and a baby sucking, that's worse. Is that something? That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, well, she didn't write back. Ha ha. Oh, well.

Well, it's funny because I used to have a joke about how breasts are private parts, but if you're breastfeeding, it's okay. But it doesn't work with...

A shirtless man. Like, a shirtless man is okay, but if I breastfeed, I go to jail or something like that. Like, my kids look at my nipple. I went way dirtier and darker. Yeah, but... My baby's sucking me off. That's true. That is dark. Well, I'm saying I wouldn't do it. Right. Why don't you do something maybe with a dog? You hear that, Aaron Rodgers? I wouldn't do it. Don't be talking no shit. Yeah, Fauci. Yeah, that's a tough one.

Breastfeeding. Well, it's tough because, oh, maybe there's something like, we like tits. But when you put a baby on, now it's like nurturing and serious. It's weird. No one's like, woo, baby. You know? Like, tits are fun until you put a baby on it. Now it's real. Yeah, tits are a... Yeah, baby really... A baby shows up and tits become like a job. Yes, yes. It's almost like... It's almost like lunch break, lunch break, then a baby shows up back to work. Right, right. But like, it's a...

Yeah, baby runes. Yeah, it's not hot when you're using something as its function. Yes, that's interesting. Right. Trying to think of it. You know, it's like, hey. Oh, no, that's no good. You know, if you're like, you use an apple. Yeah.

You're like, hey, I like an apple. And then some guy's like, I'm going to make a bong with it or something. Yeah. Well, that bong is actually better than an apple. Yeah. All right. Hold on. But there's a perfect analogy here. An actual function, like something like. Oh, maybe you've got a beer funnel and someone's like, hey, we've got to fix this pipe. We need that funnel or something. Somewhere you use it for the actual real thing. Takes the fun out of it. Yeah, it's close. They use it for the real thing or like. Anal sex. What do you mean?

Oh, I see. Oh, that's interesting. I'm not a big anal sex guy. We've been through this. I'm not either. Yeah, the function. But it's weird because dicks are scary either way. That's interesting. Like, if I show you my dick in a photo, it's like, whoa, what are you doing? There's no kid involved. That was a joke I was making, though. Yeah, that's true. But the sucking is where it gets scary. Too offensive, you think? I don't know.

I'll try it. I think you can pull it off. We'll throw it up at the cellar tonight. We'll see what it hits. Maybe it could be like, look, even if there's a kid in the photo with me, it doesn't have to be sucking. Yeah. There's a client list joke in there. The function thing is interesting to me. Yeah. To use it for its function. God, there's things out there that we're not thinking of. All right, hold on. What do you got? We're getting weary here. Yeah, what do you got? Is this anything? Uh...

Oh, this is stupid. Did I do the Yelp joke on you? I think I did. I don't know. Where I love Yelp because it's not helpful at all. It's just like a therapy session disguised as a restaurant review. You know, you read the comments like, how's this Thai restaurant? And some lady's like, I went to the restaurant. The waiter looked like my ex-husband who died in 1989 of leukemia. I cried at the table. The napkins were soft. Four stars. And you're like, I don't know anything about the food, but I know you're bipolar or whatever. And then I'm like...

This is not helpful at all. And my friend goes, that's why you can't. Yelp sucks now because people are entitled. They complain. People didn't act like that in the 50s. And I go, well, you can't have Yelp in the 50s. It would just be a bunch of black people like we didn't get in. And that kills. And I'm like, I do a whole act out where I'm like, it looked good through the window, though. Maybe we'll go back in 14 years. And then I do a whole thing about the Internet. If the Internet was around back then, it would be super dark, right?

You know, like a Native American guy, like, fuck Cheesecake Factory, they built it on my teepee, and they don't take pelts, or something like that. But I don't know where to go with it.

Well, that's a whole, that's a whole nother big premise. The first part seems done, but the second part is like how dark the internet would have been. Right. Right. That might be too big. We already have footage of JFK. Think about how graphic that shit would be. Yeah. And I almost don't want to open that can of worms of a bit. Cause it, that could be a huge, well, it's huge. It's just, you have to, that's the problem is you're casting such a wide net. You got to find what it is. Um,

I thought about like fire hose spraying black people and they're like, you know, I barely got a sip. One star. Pepsi. Pepsi. No, I got you. It's like a smart water ad. Oh yeah. Yeah. Smart water. Yeah. Yeah.

I got a lot of bits that are like the beginning works and then it falls off a cliff. I fucking stink. Yeah, comedy's hard. Comedy's fucking hard, bro. You have an hour cooking. You're going to do a special. At one point, those jokes were not working.

Like, some will work out of the gate if you're lucky, but most of them you had to work at and you had to tinker with. I'm going to have to edit some of this quiet time here. Yeah, you could edit this, right? This is like a very broad idea, but it's something I thought of. I read a study that five alcoholic drinks per week could shorten your life, but I think the problem is for most people, without alcohol, life is too long. Ooh.

You know what I mean? Like, alcohol is like editing. Like, if you're talking to someone bored, alcohol is like a director. It's like an editor. It's making key edits. Yeah, true. Like, someone keeps talking. You're like, oh, my God. Cut here. We'll cut here. And I'm back. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't know how to say this. Yeah, that's interesting. It's like an observation. It's fucking trash. I stink. No, I mean, I do that with the family...

you know, your family function, you go to Thanksgiving and you're like 10 minutes in, you're like, I need a drink. I'm talking to Nana. I'm talking to aunt Susie. I'm talking to fucking uncle Bob. And I'm, I'm uncle Bob's talking about work. Aunt Susie talking about her cat. I'm dying here. I need a drink. Yeah, it's nothing. What else you got? Drinking's like an editor.

Um, also it's who's got the time travel bit. You know, you ever like driving somewhere, you start drinking and you're like, Oh, that's a tell. So true. So that's, yeah, maybe that's too close anyway. So fuck that bit. All right. Oh, I had something. I lost it. Hold on. I'll find it. Shit. God damn it. Where did it go? Oh, this is stupid. Just punch me right in the balls here. Um,

I'll try. Just tell me no. And then I got another one. My doctor goes, I went to the checkup and he goes, how are you sleeping? I go, I'm sleeping horribly. And he goes, well, look, it's your chart says you're drinking a lot. You're probably not sleeping because you're drinking. I'm like, well, I don't think that's true. Because every time I sleep, I drink, I pass out. You know, like no one goes to a bar, sees a guy passed out and goes, that guy's sober.

The only problem is you fall asleep, but it's just bad sleep. I know. It's one of those like the logic is bad in the joke. Maybe that's part of it, though. Maybe you say like, isn't it weird, though, because alcohol helps me fall asleep. It's just it keeps waking you up. Yeah, I guess so. It's almost like you're passing out. It's like you fall asleep the way a guy knocks you out. Oh, yeah, right. It's not like you fell asleep in a healthy way. That's true.

But on paper, you are sleeping. You're sleeping. You know, so it is a gray area. Yeah, I sleep like shit when I'm drunk. Same. All right, let me try a real one. A real one. All right.

My friend, me and a friend, he's a black guy. I was like, man, my comments. Look how mean these comments are just on YouTube and everything. And he was like, oh, your comments are mean? He showed me it's just like all N-word, N-word, N-word. And I was like, all right, well, you got me there. You got to stop posting. That's what I said. That's part of the joke. Sorry, I wrote that. That hits. But then I go...

I go, it sucks about the N-word thing because you just get called that. If you could find a way to do an OnlyFans for racists. Wow, that's funny. So if you could get their money, like, yeah, just call me anything and you could pay me. It's like an OnlyFans. Like, I'll show you my tits. I'm not going to show you my tits at work, but if you pay me, I'll show you. Send it all to Howard University. Yeah. And then eventually you can make so much money, you can give it back to the community. How did you build the rec center? Oh, Convict.

Kanye got on the racist OnlyFans, so it lit up. Or you could do it with Palestine and Jews. You could do it with everything, and now you're making money off the hate. Yeah. But it's one of those jokes where people are like, what?

Whoa, man, what are you talking about? Are you trying to promote? No, no, no, I think there's something there. I think there's something there, too. I like that. When I say racist OnlyFans, they're like, what? You want to be racist? I'm like, no. They should make OnlyFans for racists. That way you can just, you know, they're going to want to. I guess the only problem is why would they pay to. Because they can do it for free. That's the hard part. I can't crack. It's literally free speech. Yeah. Hate speech, but it's free speech. That's true. That's true. I guess that's the flaw with the bit because it's clever.

But if they could say it to you, like you're just standing there, and they go, all right, say it. And you get a guy going, all right, and he says it on FaceTime or Zoom, something like that. Twitter should penalize. You should have to pay for Twitter, and they penalize your account. If you call someone a slur. Right, right. That would never happen. No, but if you go to this site. I don't want to pay for Twitter, so it's a terrible idea. I know, I know. If I could find a way around that part where they say it for free already.

Yeah. Because if they're going to say it, you might as well get paid for it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Paywall. Plus, if you put anything behind a paywall, it slows down. So if you got racism behind a paywall, it would cut it down like 70%. Maybe that's the angle. More like, man, we got to get racism behind a paywall because then they're going to be like, man, we're wasting money. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I have a podcast I used to love. They went behind a paywall. I don't even listen anymore. Yeah. It's the same with the N-word.

You're in a car accident with an Asian guy, and you're like, man, if I could afford it, I would really... Oh, I got to sign up? Fuck it. It's all clever. It's just not practical. You got to find a way to make it actually work. Yeah, the logic isn't all there. Hey, man, this is what bits... Look, our batting average is not horrible. It's just... What about this? Yeah, hit me. Okay, I might have cracked it.

Black people should copyright the N-word. Copyright it. Now every time they say it, you get royalties. Fuck, what's that word? Reparations get royalties. Because if they copyright it, like Trump copyrighted You're Fired, didn't he? I think he did, or he tried to. So now when you say you've got to pay him...

Black people should copyright the N-word. So if you say the N-word, then the guy says you're fired. Both of them have to pay up. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. But we play music on here, and they're like, whoa, whoa, don't play music. You've got to pay the royalties. What if that was like that with the N-word?

I know. It's a far fetch. There's something here, though. I hear you. It's fucking hard. Look, we're showing the ugliness of this process. I know. It's kind of cool. Yeah, I guess so. Let me run one on you. Please. So I was remembering, like I used to be a kid. This is how I'm trying to do this, but I used to be like- Same here. I used to be a kid. We all did. And-

When I was like in seventh grade, I was lactose intolerant. Oh, really? Yeah. But, you know, when you're told that, you're like, fuck that shit. I'll rebel. So I would just eat pizza like every meal and, you know, Big Mac, stuff like that. And you're like...

You're just like, fuck it, I'm going to fight back. And then I remember one day, you know, we'd go see movies in Times Square. We'd like double up and get one ticket. You just see movies all day. Yeah. And I was in a Times Square bathroom just like shitting my brains out. Just like horrible. And like liquid out of me. And through the crack, I hear a black boy and his father go... The dad goes...

that boy has got this shit. And they started laughing and they like high-fived. I was like, it's so weird that like a low point in your life is like a bonding moment for another person. I think that's where like the angle was maybe. Sure. Where you're like, that's probably like, you know, like for me, I was like, man, I gotta like, I gotta like turn my life around. Yeah. So for them, they were like, that was the closest I ever felt to my father. You know what I mean? I don't know. It's like a funny observation. That is funny, but it's so true. Like Charlie Sheen, that whole thing where he was melting down, the whole country was like, whoa,

whoa, this is amazing. Yeah. Yeah, and it brings people together, ironically, when someone else is... Other people's misery brings you together. We watch Intervention as a family. You know? Like, this is the saddest point in this guy's life.

isn't that weird yeah a guy gets you know like a football thrown is nuts you send it to your friend on instagram like dude look at this yeah bonding maybe the angle could be because that's good maybe the angle would be like that's what people should do to bring other people together forget like make a wish and all this i've gotta you gotta fuck your life up just to help other people like fuck superman i

I get the shits. I'm bringing people together. I don't know. Somehow you can manufacture horrible things just to help someone else. I don't know. Yeah, for like City Harvest or something. For a benefit. Yeah, yeah. I feel like some see this guy...

I feel like I don't fuck the note though. That's what the internet's become. That's the problem. I know. The internet has become like, watch me eat this fucking, um, you get a free burrito. If you can eat this eight pound burrito and in 10 minutes, you just watch a guy eat.

do horrible shit to his body and you're like entertainment now yeah and you kind of love the guy for some reason you're like look at this guy he's putting himself through misery for our entertainment well i think that's why america's funniest home videos was a hit because we were like sure i got kicked in the nuts by a shetland pony but i made 10 grand and now i'm famous did they get 10 grand for a video if you won well if you won the number one prize man it sucks to not win i'd

But you were on TV. That was something back in the 90s. You go home, you go to school, you're like, I was on American's Funny and I kicked my dad in the balls.

I don't know, man. But at least it was a win. I stink. I got nothing new. I feel like my new shit is either hitting or it's just garbage like this. Right. Yeah, same. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. And I've been getting some nice messages like, hey, have you thought about this angle? Have you tried that? Yeah. Some people are really on it. I got a rec. Please. The book. It's a short book. The Friends of Eddie Coyle. It's supposed to be a great movie, too. Yeah, Robert Mitchum's in the movie. Oh, wow. I haven't seen it. I'm going to watch it.

It's fucking awesome. It's like 200 pages. It's like easy read. Yeah. It's like a cool ass old school like Boston noir. Oh, really? Yeah, it's really cool. Okay. Good writing.

Boy, you do a lot of reading. I was in a bookstore in Springfield, Missouri, and they just like, I pulled over the back and Ross McDonald was one of the quotes being like, this is an awesome book. And I was like, all right, I like his shit. So I was like, I'll check it out. I like noir. I just like the language and stuff. And I like seeing plots unfold. Yeah, I like that too. But you know what I don't like about books is I don't like people seeing what I'm reading.

Like, are you on the train with that thing? And then you get some guy going, hey, Eddie Coyle, read that last year. I used to read Confederacy of Dunces on the train. Yeah. And I got a million people like, oh, great book. And I was like, let me read the fucking thing. It's nice, but it was like interrupting me. I was on the flight, so I don't care. I just, I kind of like the feel of a book more than a Kindle. I stopped using the Kindle. I agree. Kindles are awesome, but I just, I hate having another thing to charge.

Yeah, good point. Between the phone and the computer. And I actually like, I have one of those. They're so stupid. I said I hate having other things to charge, but I use regular books. And I have one of those necklight things for bed. Because sometimes flights get dark, too. True, true. Necklight, wow. Nerd alert. They're like 20 bucks. They're great. Really? Yeah, they're fucking awesome. That's a wreck. Get a necklight thing. Because you sleep next to someone, they might be sleeping. True. And that way you can still read. I'm going to get one of those when I eat breakfast.

Yeah, that's the one I have. They're like 20 bucks. They're great. Oh, wow. That one looks a little too cheap. Look at that. Okay. Yeah, the Kindle is like a sex robot. You want the real thing. You want the book. You know? That's good. And then you're like, I don't want another thing to charge. That's funny. You should try it. There's something there. Take it. That's you. I don't use a Kindle. So that's you.

Any wrecks? Let's see. I saw a movie. Oh, Anatomy of a Fall. Yeah, I loved that. Very good. That was killer. I watched it. Very good. Heavy duty. Good dialogue, too. Great dialogue. Did we talk about this already, Matt? You might have brought it up, and then I watched it.

I got into a fight with Ronan because I thought the snow movie with the rugby team that lands in the snow on Netflix, it's like, I think it's Argentinian or something. Yeah. You liked it? I didn't like it that much. Oh, and he did? And he was like, and he's a cunt. Ronan hates everything. And he was like, I thought it was great. I was like, really? I thought the dialogue was weak. I did watch it dubbed. So that might have been my problem. Oh. But... Yeah, he's a...

He's a hater. Oh, yeah. I feel like he only really likes movies for the most part if it's just misery. Yes, yes. If it's just painful and brutal, then he likes it. Totally. Look at that. Fucking killer score. Yeah. Oh, man. It was a good script, I thought. I liked the...

Anatomy of a Fall. Yeah, totally wrecked that one. That was cool. Yeah, deaf kid. It has a lot of great twists and turns, and it's really well thought out. And that dog is beautiful. Yes. What a cool... I was like, man, everyone's a good actor, even that fucking dog. Snoop. That was an awesome... Yeah, and the main woman was so... Man, it's kind of like, I guess, a loaded year for...

best actors and stuff because I saw she was nominated and I was like, oh, she's going against all these other good actors too. But hey, I feel like movies and shit is picking up. Like they're really, we had a Scorsese, Michael, did you watch Ferrari? No, I gotta see it. I gotta see it too. You know, it's a Michael Mann with Adam Driver and the story is incredible. I love him. But I haven't heard anyone talking about it. I think it's out.

It's out. Yeah. No one's mentioned it. I mean, Michael Mann is just such a fucking beast. Killer. I just love Michael. I mean, I'm wearing a fucking Michael Mann shirt right now, dude. Oh, I didn't even put that. Thief. Thief. Look at that James Caan. All right. Yeah, no one has brought this up, so I can't imagine it. What's the rotten to me? I feel like it's got to be good, though. It's Michael Mann. I'm going to watch it. All right. All right. 72. I'll take a 72. 74. All right. Yeah, it's worth seeing, though. That's a C+.

I bet it's cool though. The story's really good. Just the real story. I don't know anything about it. Oh, cool, cool. This guy, it was Lamborghini and Ferrari. They hated each other. One was a tractor company. And then they were like, I bet I can make a better car. And he was like, fuck you. So he made a car and then they would race them. It's...

It's fun. Damn. Italians. Can't go wrong with Italians. Is this the second time he's played an Italian in a row? Didn't he just do House of Gucci? He did do House of Gucci. I heard that was good. House of Gucci? I heard it was good. Really? Yeah. Look at that.

That's pretty good. Not bad. I mean. I mean, he definitely looks better as Adam Driver. Not ugly enough. Yeah. He looks like Tilda Swinton on the left. But there you go. Yeah. Those are the. Hey, Patrick Demp. He's an actual race car driver in real life. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Him. That's pretty cool. Corolla. A couple other guys, actually. Yeah, Corolla. Paul Newman. He's such a manly dude. He always talks about that shit. I know. Yeah.

Race cars. I asked him why he does it. He goes, you know why? Because when you're on that track, you can't think of anything else. I was like, all right, I can get that with...

booze yeah try drinking yourself stupid yeah that works that'll work but no I get it the rush I mean I understand like there's something it's hard in this day and age to like actually be present so I do get that true true and you heard it from me a guy who can't drive a regular car you ever see Rush what's that that's a Ron Howard movie about red car is that Hemsworth yes yeah I saw that it looked good it's good it's a true story as well

Nicky Lauda. Burns himself up in a car. I don't want to give it away, but it's really good. Oh, you know what's a good one? Do you ever see the documentary Senna on Formula 1? Yes! Great movie. That was really cool. Great doc. Yeah, that was awesome. That guy was a hunk, too. I don't know shit about Formula 1, but that is like the rage now, man. Huge!

It's crazy. I feel dumb for not, because people love it. I tried. I really tried to watch it. I was kind of bored. I'm bored. I think you've got to get into the, I think any sport is like you can get into once you learn it and know the rivalries and the personalities and the politics and all that stuff. But I'm just so into the basics. I'm just so into basketball. I like football. I like baseball. Yeah. I like hockey. I'm kind of good. I don't need a...

I mean, I need to do other shit. Well, the problem with this is it's so subtle, which sounds weird because they fucking crash and go a million miles an hour, but it's just like... Not enough. Basketball, there's so much technique and fundamentals and all these things happening. This is just like... Well, there's technique in this too, but it's just not as exciting to the spectator. Because to them, I mean, like the angles that they have to keep hitting are insane. Of course. But like I'm watching hoops and there's like...

It's more variety. Yes. Like, you're seeing, like, an alley-oop. You're seeing a three-pointer. You're seeing, you know, an incredible defensive play. It's broken up more. Yeah. As opposed to the way this is to me. But, like, I also have talked to people who love this, whose opinions I do trust. So, you know. It's a little reality TV for me, that Formula One show. It's, like, a bunch of hot guys competing.

It's like Euro. It's very Euro. Because I love tennis, but it does have that tennis vibe where they're all wearing like a sick watch. They're all fucking like kind of too hot. Right, right. Exactly. And they're cocky as shit. And it's cool. And then they fucking crash like that, which is crazy. That is the crazy. I mean, that makes it extra tragic. You're like, his fucking hair. There's no more. I know. I know.

I mean, you get why women like these guys because they're real daredevils. Exactly. Tennessee and a daredevil. They're hot and they're kind of reckless. And if they're like dry or something in the interview, that's just like an added bonus. Totally, totally. This guy who wins them all, what's his name? The guy who wins every fucking race for, is it Red Bull he wins every race? You know what I'm talking about? The guy on the left's pretty hot. What's his name? He's like a robot.

Oh, really? What's his name? He's just the number one guy. Number one Formula One. I mean, it's killing me that I can't remember his fucking name. Daniel Ricciardo? No, not Ricciardo. He's supposed to be cool, though. He's one of the funny ones, I think. But wait, what's the number one guy? Are you searching best Formula One? People are calling us stupid. Oh, they're yelling at the screen. Because I know it was like Lewis Hamilton forever, but now it's another guy. Hamilton, Schumacher? No, who is it?

It says Hamilton's number one. Yeah, but that's probably old. Oh, okay. Schumacher? No. Verstappen. Verstappen. That's the guy. He's like the stud. Oh, okay. He wins so much that it's boring. It's almost like everyone's like, I guess we're competing for second place. But these guys all live... Verstappen. Verstappen. Where do they live? Switzerland or something? Where's the hub?

I got, we should stop talking about this. Cause we're fucking idiots. But like, I look, I would love to learn more about it. Yeah, sure. Sure. Why not? It's just a new thing. I also think this is going to sound cunty, but I think when there's a machine involved as a, in a sport, it's less cool. Like I like fighting or boxing. It's just like bare bones, baseball. It's like ball and hoop. It's very simple. This has a fucking car. Exactly. And some of the companies are better. Yeah.

So like Red Bull and Mercedes make you a better car. So you're at a disadvantage if you don't get one of the good companies. That takes away from the sport a lot. For sure. So yeah. I agree with that. Yeah, you want the basics. Like track. Yeah. Tennis is a racket and a ball and a net. That's it. Tennis? I dig tennis. I love tennis. I've never been to one. We should go to one sometime. I would love to go to the Open. That'd be cool. The list goes every year. I know. Maybe we'll go with him. Yeah, sure. Maybe the fucking agents will hook us up with some tickets. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, tennis is awesome. I watch that on the plane a lot because it's that little screen and I can see it all. Yeah. Hockey, I can't watch on screen. Live, it's pretty fucking great. Live's great, but on screen. I went with Lil' Gary recently. We had a ball. And he played hockey. And he's pretty good. Yeah, he's a little ball of energy, that kid. He's a little hockey puck. Should we wrap this bad boy up? I guess so, yeah. And plus, the ladies aren't hard on the eyes. Oof.

I'm hard on it. I'm going to be hard on it. All right, where are we going to be here?

Woo, Doug. A lot of editing on this one, Peter. Beacon, baby. Mark Norman at the Beacon. Yeah, it's coming up whenever this comes out. It'll be soon. Beacon, New York City. Hopefully it's sold out by now. Lexington, Charlotte, San Antonio, Houston, Boise, Salt Lake, Atlanta, Raleigh. I'm doing Charleston, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlottesville, El Paso, Albuquerque, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Evansville, and L.A. for the Netflix Fest.

What do you got, Fetty? I got Dania Beach. I got Omaha. I got, fuck, OKC. Is that next? Yes, Irvine. Nice. We got Dallas before that as well. Love it. OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake City, then the special at the Wilbur, samurl.com slash shows. I think it's...

you know, look at OKC and stuff like that because the others are looking, are looking all right. But it's amazing that, like, I just talked to Godfrey and he's like, oh, it's just in Dania Beach. And you're like, it's amazing there's enough people in Dania Beach that are like, we'll go to Godfrey, we'll go to you. Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, I guess that's, is that millions? Billions. Millions of people? Oh, yeah, there's people there. Okay, I just worry. I'm like,

Florida's got cities. That's true. Oh, well, that's not a lot of people. That's not a lot of people, but I guess you get people from all over. Yeah. It's a big club, too, at 375. I know, I know. It's a big room. Hopefully we sell some chicken. Decent food there, too. Yeah. The club is great. Great club. One of the top Florida clubs, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, folks. Get some Bodega Cat. It's on the interwebs. Buy a bottle. Make a paper plane. Make a sidecar. Make a Boulevardier. And follow Bodega Cat Whiskey on IG. Let's get those numbers up because Mark and I are trying to get some distribution, and we're working very hard on this. Not like that hard, but we're trying. Hear, hear. You got that right. Yeah, we're pushing. I'm connecting with people, then it falls through, and then I connect with another guy, and that falls through, and it's a tough sledding. Yeah. Yeah.

So we'll see you guys. Thanks for listening. Tell a friend. Queef it up. Thanks, guys.