Ep 161: Bodega Cat Sidecar
01:47:55 Share

Okay.

But yeah, I'm back from Mexico. Yeah, look, the pictures were incredible. It's an incredible place. I couldn't believe you were on vacation. Like, Mark is so avoidant of any time off, like we all are, but, you know, I'm texting with him just like, oh, what club are you at this weekend? What theater are you at this weekend? He just sends me a picture of him and May on like a drunk boat. Yeah, yeah, basically. I'm like, wow, all right. Yeah, like a booze cruise on a canal. And then I thought, he's doing a cruise. Ah, yeah.

No. I'm a Bodak now. I did do some bits on there. Yeah. But yeah, crazy, crazy week. But I still did a show in Shreveport, Louisiana in a theater on Christmas Eve, which was a big fight at the house.

She's like, you're doing a show on Christmas Eve? Why can't you do Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve is like a show night, I think. Well, hang on there. Christmas I get, you take off. But Christmas Eve is like the night before Thanksgiving. It's got good energy in the air. That's true, but you're showing your Judaism here. I mean, Christmas, it's a thing. It's like a woman with a birthday. It's all week.

Plus, I got to get to her house. So I got to get to Boston. Oh, you did a show in Boston. No, no, no. I did a show in Shreveport. And then you flew to Boston on Christmas Day? Yeah, that was the fun. I get why she's mad at you. Yeah. But I made it. It all worked out. So thank God. And I said, hey, we're going to Mexico for a week and a half. What the hell? That's how you get out of shit. I pulled a thing where I booked something on Valentine's Day without telling my lady. And she was like, you did that? And I was like-

I'll spend the two nights before with you. And she's like, all right. Okay. But I don't think. I'm just like, oh, yeah, you're not a fucking annoying person. You don't care about Valentine's Day. But they are women. Yes, yes. And they talk to their female friends. Yes. And they're like, what did he do for you? Exactly. It's like he's going to Texas for a gig. Right. Not romantic. And then they're like, but was he miserable? Because if he wasn't miserable, it doesn't count. Why does that matter? It matters. Yeah, women like you to suffer because that means it's real love, I guess. Yeah.

I disagree. I mean, what's that old famous story where the guy got free flowers and he gave it to his wife and she was like, oh my God, thank you. You're the best husband ever. He's like, yeah, I got them for free. Can you believe it? She was like, wait, what? And now she hates the gift. But it's still the same gift. You know what? I love the old street joke. You ever heard the one Gilbert Gottfried told it on...

His album, great. His album, Dirty Jokes. Oh, that's a classic. They're all street jokes, but they're hilarious. Yeah. And he had the line where he goes, the guy is drunk at the bar. He pukes all over himself because he's so shit-faced. He's like, oh, my wife's going to kill me. And the bartender goes, just put a $10 bill in your front pocket. Say some other guy puked on you.

gave you the money for the dry cleaning. And he was like, that's great. So he goes home and his wife's like, what the fuck? And he goes, some other guy did it. He put a $10 bill in my front pocket. She looks at it. She goes, this is a $20 bill. He goes, he also shit in my pants. Ha ha ha ha ha.

What a great joke. It's a classic. Street jokes have this weird bad rep, but they're really hard to write and they're really smart. They have a bad rep because if a comic's doing them on stage. That's the problem. But offstage, they're the best. Yeah, that's like- That was a big part of our culture. You got any jokes? Two guys walking to a bar, a black guy, a priest or whatever it was.

Those are the best. Can you grab me that? Wait, what about this? Oh, right here. Here we go. I didn't see it. That one's got one shot in it. Open them all. I've been on a sidecar kick lately. Ugh.

Wow. Sidecar. That's a good one. Well, you get sick of, I was doing paper planes at home. I was doing, I'll do a Boulevardier. I'll do a Manhattan. I'll do just, you know, straight whiskey. But every once in a while, it's like you get sick. You want to, you want variety. You got to, what's in a sidecar? Can we pull up a recipe there? Google bitch. It's really just this stuff. Cointreau, I guess. Is that how you pronounce it? Cointreau. Cointreau. I'm trash. Uh,

Bodega Cat whiskey. It says two ounce cognac, a third of lemon juice. You can do a whiskey one. You don't need to do cognac. A third of triple sec. Okay. Triple sec. What is triple sec? Is that a liqueur? Triple sec. Yeah. It's like a, I think it is. That's what I was having before we got married. Triple secs. Now it's once a week. All right. We had to liqueur. All right.

Liquor asshole. That's on Christmas. But yeah. That was a big thing. Anal. Remember you got an anal for your birthday? That was like a cliche. Yeah, that was like the corny joke. But like, I never was into anal. I'm not into it either. They're just so fucking miserable. And it hurts my ass. They're miserable. It doesn't feel as good. It's not as wet. I don't really get the upside except for the...

That's our flowers. You got to suffer. The Wynn is really a great casino. And...

And a nice Asian guy, I know. Nice little dog, too. Oh, yeah. Winnie. Win. She's back. Nice Gucci threads there. It's real Louis Vuitton. It cost me $47,000. That's a little fake fur thing, but I think it keeps her warm, man. It's getting cold out there. She's got the worst diarrhea outside. I was with her for like, that's why I was late. She was shitting for like 10 minutes. Jeez, you guys are one and the same. Gotta stop feeding her fajitas for dinner. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

What is that? The drip? That's what the kids... She's got the drip? I don't know. Nice drip. I've had that in spring break. I had the drip. Anytime a woman's wet, I'm happy. Dude, so you were telling me you saw Salt Burn. Because I watched...

lot of movies over the break. So did I. Because it's like, you know, there's a lot of good new movies out. All the kids are talking about this movie Salt Burn. Oh, yeah. To me, it's like kind of a shit version of Talented Mr. Ripley. It looks beautiful. Oh, yeah. It's beautifully shot and the scenery. And the acting's incredible. Acting's great. That kid is, he's a phenom. I know, but I could have done with a little less cock. A lot of cock. A lot of cock. That's like the new tits. It's the new tits. You're right. Yeah.

Soda was saying to me last night how I saw Dan Soda and he was like, you know, because he talks about his hair transplant and he was saying how it's like the new fake tits. Yeah. Because you don't want to talk about it in front of your bald friends. It's like that's like your flat friend. And every time I see him, he's like, feel it. All right. It feels real. I feel it. Yeah.

He's got a bit about it. Maybe I'll give him that. I don't know if he does the feel it part. But yeah, the acting's great. It's beautifully shot. The cinematography is incredible. The castle, you know, they always say the castle is its own character. You know, but and I thought the mom was funny. She's fucking hot still too. Super hot. Yeah. What's she in? Gone Girl. That's right. A ton of shit though. She's in a ton of shit. She might have been my favorite character. She was hilarious and that's like a believable type of character. But like

I don't know, man. It's, you know, I get the premise. It's like the kid is enamored with this rich world, but it was like, it almost felt like, this is going to sound like a burn, but like people who are really into boondock saints. It's like, it's almost like tried to be too smart and it just didn't feel that smart. It was like a...

It was like a shiny... The soundtrack was pretty fucking good, though. Soundtrack was great. That song at the end, Murder on the Dance Floor, whatever it is. Oh, yeah. That's a great tune. Great tune. It was perfect for the ending. And I don't want to give much away, but I thought the sex stuff was so over the top. And I'm not a squeamish guy. You can jizz in my soup and I'll eat it. And I have. Yes. Chowder. But...

I thought it was just weird and unnecessary and didn't make sense, a lot of it. And I'm no prude. It was trying to be edgy, it felt like. It was trying to be edgy, yeah. It's almost like when a comic comes out and he's like, are you offended? And you're like, you haven't even spoken yet. Yeah, right. It's like that type of shit. And it wasn't that hot. I don't want to give anything away, but the period scene, I was like, this is weird. Yeah. It didn't make sense. And the fucking, the grave. Jeez, I'm saying too much, but-

It felt like- I like that there were no spoilers. He fucks a grave. Yeah. I liked that they went for it. I liked the characters and all that, but I just- I didn't see your other movie that a lot of people said was better, Promising Young Woman. I haven't seen that either, but I'll check it out because I think he's talented, the guy who made it. She. Cut that. I turned into that person. Yeah. What's the doctor's- What's the doctor? What's his name? Her name? Nah.

To me, it's just a movie about how angry short men are. And I already saw Napoleon. Yeah. So let's... Oh, here we go. You know what I liked? Did you see Anatomy of a Fall? No, I never heard of it. Is that the staircase? It's... No, but it's... It's not the staircase. It's a French movie, but it is about a murder. But it's about... Or is it? That's kind of the movie. It's a French movie. And it's about their...

I won't give too much away, but the gist of it is they're in this, like the French Alps. It's beautiful looking, like you can see right there. A man falls to his death, but then the examination is like, I think he was hit before he fell. And they have a kid together, and they all blame the wife. So it's like, did she or did she not do it? How the son is dealing with it. It's very good. Psychological thriller. Very much, yeah. Okay, I'll check it out. I dug it, and it was...

I thought it was a really good movie. Well, you got my asshole because I watched A Simple Plan. How good is that movie? It's so good. I got the wife watching. She's like, this movie is incredible. I know. It's so simple, but yet it's so powerful. It was just like, I feel like that type of movie where you find the money and it tears a group apart. Yeah. It could be so predictable and formulaic, but it remained unpredictable.

and what's going to happen. I feel like every scene mattered. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad you were. I feel like we're on the same page, I feel like, with a lot of movies. We just want a good story and a good script. That's all I care about. Billy Bob was so good at it. He's so cute and dumb and likable. He's great. Did you watch the Julia Roberts joint? No, what's that? Is that the end of the

Yeah. Leave. Leave the world behind, I believe. I didn't love it. It took me two sits to watch it. It stunk. Okay, Salakius hated it. I heard it was good until the end. Yeah.

veter veter was like veter we're on the road he's like you gotta watch it and i was like all right and then the next morning he's like it stinks how did that happen yeah i made us a sidecar well there's a there's definitely a trend going on with like the world ending and all this shit and movies so uh you can tell that's where we're at in our generation choose here we go folks hey look at this you got a resoluche

I don't know. Wow, that's damn good. That's pretty good, right? That is damn good. Some people put sugar on the rim, but I don't like, I'm good with the sour. No rim job. It reminds me of a painkiller. You ever have a painkiller? Those are great. And there's also the other one, the penicillin. Yeah, penicillin, very similar. Yeah, it's like the scotch and gingery. It's kind of good. It's good for a hangover. When I was in Hawaii, I'd wake up, I did like a week in Hawaii.

for one night and it doesn't really work because it's Hawaii but did you actually just do the gig one night and then no I think I did like a two night gig and I went there for five days such a bitch of a flight I know

I know. And the time changes. It's a lot. Oh, yeah. But, you know. It's funny. Like, literally, we get gigs in Hawaii and we're the only people that we travel so much we fucking complain about it. It's true. I'm like, ugh. I know. I didn't go because I was like, I'm fucking 80 cities last year. I don't need to add. Because I was going to do it to route it with Australia. And I'm like, I'll just go to Australia. Just go to Australia. It's nice to sometimes have a vacation when you're working and be like, okay, now I'm going to take two days for myself.

Not really. Yes, but yeah, you kind of have to do all or nothing, I think. I agree. Although you get the tax write-off if you do a gig.

Oh, true. I don't know. Damn, I should have done that in Mexico. You would have ruined the vacation. Oh, she would have hated it. You're just going on before that little Mexican wrestling match marked us five minutes. El Comedio. Yeah, I didn't know Brad Williams was there, too. But, yeah, I tagged him in that, by the way. I don't know if he's caught that yet. He's coming on soon. Yeah. Get a phone book. This is his glass, actually. We'll get him a thimble. Yeah.

But how was the trip to Mexico, though? Was it fun? It was fucking amazing. It was a bitch getting there. Our flight got canceled. We missed a connection. It was a whole thing. It took like a day to get there. So we lost a day. Delta can suck it. Damn. We missed the connection because some guy left his bag on the plane. So we had to wait for him to get his bag before we get bored and then...

We boarded half an hour late and we missed the next connection by half an hour. That's insane. It was brutal. That's fucked up. Yeah. You know what bugs me now, Apiv, on these Connect flights is when you're on the little plane and...

And you get off, but you can't put your stuff in the overhead because the plane is so little. Yes, yes. So now you just have to wait. And it's always someone who doesn't know how to – they're like, ah, I don't know how to get the door open. And you're like, I got to fuck another – I got a connection. I watched one guy just lose his shit. And it was like – I was like, well, I'm not going to do that. But this guy was like, what the fuck? Yeah. And I was like, oof. I know. Once I'm at a – I was in Springfield, Missouri. I'm like, once I'm at a Springfield, I'm good. I was in Chicago. I'm like, I'm going to like – I could figure something out in Chicago for the night. Yeah, yeah.

I've been in Springfield three nights. I got to get out. Oh, completely. Fun for three nights, but at a certain point, I just need a change of scenery. Yeah. Well, that's the problem with the road is like Hawaii and Springfield are not that different when you're on the road. I know. As crazy as that is to say. But it's just like, I'm in a hotel room. I got to get out. I got to fly, whatever. Well, Springfield's a little different, but play the clip I sent you. Uh-oh. Text.

I text, did I not text it to you? Checking now. Oh yeah, you just did. So, uh, this is, we're trying to kill a day in Springfield and I was like, let's do some Missouri shit. So look where I take Gary Veeder. There you go. Finally, Veeder's in his element. Oh, wow.

That's good form. He was a good shot. He was very accurate. I was fine. He was very good. Yeah. Whoa. I mean, from the back, you're like, skinhead, wait. Oh, no. No. It's a make-a-wish. He's so happy. He's like, I'm good, right? Yeah, we do. We use some crazy shit. Yeah.

How'd you like shooting? It was fun. It's not my thing, but it was like, I opened with a bit about it. It was like, you know, shooting a gun. People like to trash guns. It's a lot like a baby. They're easy to hate, but once you hold one. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's good. Kind of fun. Until it unloads on you. My kid asked me, I felt really smart the other day. He asked me, why do guns do this? Why do guns do this when you shoot them? Kickback? Kickback?

And like I just thought about it for one second and I was like, oh, I think – I don't really know the answer. But I think because the gun wants to actually do this pullback. Yeah. But since your elbow is on a hinge, it goes up like this. Oh. Well, yeah. We used – one, you have to put it in your shoulder. We used a big one. Yeah. But then, dude, I fired the Colt .45.

of Colt 44 too. No video? Dirty Harry. I don't know if I have a video of that one, but damn, you pull back the hammer because you don't want to, if you just pull the trigger, it takes a while to pull and it's like all anticipation. So I pull back the hammer. So I just, but holy shit, I'm like, boom. Oh, I see. It's pretty intense. How's that feel? Wow. Yeah. Well, that's a video. Yeah. Damn. Is that the one with the, it's got the revolving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push it out and they're like, don't just whip it in because you're going to want to do that, but it's bad for the gun. I was like, damn. Damn, that's in every movie. It's a revolver?

The Colt 44. 44? 44 Magnum, I mean. Not the Colt 44. Oh, okay. Sorry, I misspoke. Man, but they have all those guns there. They had like the little Derringer, you know, which I think of as like the cock gun and kiss, kiss, bang, bang. Oh, yeah. You know he's tied up and he's talking shit and he shoots him through his dick. Yeah. Look at that fucking thing. That's a cannon. Dude, it's a lot. Woo.

But they just have a ton of, I mean, it was like a fun way to kill a day. I was like, you know, it's not a thing I'm probably going to make a hobby out of being a New York Jew, but it was a good time. Do other people do that? Like other countries, do they shoot for recreation? I'm sure parts, but I don't think, I think America's got to be the spot for that. Yeah. I think that's what people don't get when they're trying to like, you know,

control guns is like guns are fun it's fun to shoot fucking guns yeah you should speak at a school but there's a video there's literally montages on youtube of hours of people kicking back and like hitting themselves in the face the gun goes flying behind them you think all the time like the way you hold it it's like you think it's going to be like a movie and it's i mean i'm a novice so i i'm sure people are listening like you fucking rookie but you're like you know uh

I thought I did pretty well for the first time. But, yeah, we tried a bunch of different stuff just to, you know, the .22 was my favorite. Oh, really? Yeah, it was just easy to. Yeah, you're no size queen. You like a little. Well, it has a long handle. The grip was easy for me. Yeah. Oh, you see? Like, there's millions of these. This guy's going, oh, my God. That's kind of not. Yeah, well, you got to be safe. That's the thing, too, is, like, the guy's like, he's like,

We were in safety and Vitor and I were just like, we're like pretending to like put it behind our back. Yeah. We didn't really, but you know. Yeah, yeah. No, but we, I did it once in Houston and we got the AK just like, all right, fuck it. Let's go all out. And we had to get the guy next to him, next to us, like, we can't load it. And he was like,

You fucking homos. And he had to do it. He had like a cowboy hat on. It was brutal. Yeah. It's harder than it looks because you're just like, I'll point and shoot, but you got to like... That same guy, he's on the subway. He's like, I don't... And you're like, here, follow me. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But yeah, I'm with you, man. I...

I'm not into the big guns as much. I think the little ones are more fun. Maybe because I just watch too many detective movies. Yeah, yeah. Also, you're just like, go ahead, make my day. It's kind of fun, you know? Yeah, this is too much. It's too much. That's no fun. You want to look cool and stealthy. It feels like a war weapon. Yeah. I don't know. No, no. Even that's too big. We sound like Asian women. Just give me like a Glock.

And then you want to do that where it falls out. Oh, it's fun as hell. That's a move. You feel like John Wick in that moment. Yeah. Just falls out. You catch it. Yeah. Or you pull it back. I fucking love that. Yeah. It's funny because you go to these gun ranges and you're like, I want to be John Wick. I want to be this guy. I want to be James Bond. And then they go, don't do this. Don't do that. And it's all the shit that you want to do. You can't do. You're like, don't get revenge. Fuck. Yeah. It's like going to a hooker. They're like, don't kiss. You're like, come on.

I want a kiss. But yeah. So yeah, that's fun. But yeah, Mexico, we finally got there and we had a great time. We did shrooms. We got drunk. Everything's cheaper there, which is fun. I got pesos. I'm throwing it around like the cartel. We went to the midget wrestling. We went to the canals. We did all the great restaurants.

I mean, we had a blast. We went to the Soho house party and, uh, we got dolled up and, uh, Andy Warhol was the theme. So I put on like a crazy shirt and she's all, uh, what do you call it? See-through. And Billy Eichner was there. And then you got shot really young. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

Billy Eichner, did you say what's up to him? Nah, he was in his element. He was looking great, by the way. I heard his movie's good. I love that show he did. Difficult People. That show's so funny, man. That was my plan, was to go up and go, Difficult People. But I didn't want to bother him. He had a whole group of gays with him, and they were rocking out and everything on the dance floor, so I didn't want to. But he looks good. Difficult People is funny as shit. Oh, yeah. It's fast-paced. Yeah, punchy as hell. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So, yeah, that was cool. And then, of course, last day, she got...

the parasite what yeah montezuma's revenge damn shitting when i say she shit 48 times in a day and throughout the night she got no sleep it was bad i'm going up to the the pharmacy in the morning she got no sleep just shitting i just hear the toilet flushing all night and her like you just you just slipped divorce papers under the door uh and i went up to the pharmacist and i was like

shit-o, bad, uh, toilet ruined-o, uh, I'm doing all this shit, and the guy was like, I don't, that, that, that. They don't really speak English there, by the way. It's not one of those things. And, you know, they shouldn't, but I thought they would speak more. That's just an American comment. I know. They should have spoken my language. Well, like, you go to Amsterdam, and they can kind of go, you want a beer? Alright.

All right, here you go, you idiot. It is weird because it's closer. Yes, yes. You don't speak Spanish. I don't speak any Spanish. I picked up a little since being there, but I don't speak any Spanish. And eventually, after like 10 minutes of me going back and forth with like, pouring out assholo, and he was like, diarrhea? And I'm like, yeah, it's the same word. I was like, ah, I didn't know you guys had diarrhea. I figured that was an American word.

term but it's so common there that he's like take this this and this she took it and she was healthy in like half a day she was back so yeah it's no joke I mean she was wrecked what did she get it from um

I think the water. I think the ice. That's crazy that you can't drink water there. You cannot drink water. And you can't have water. It's a major country, 20 million people, no water. You got to do bottled water, filtered water. Well, I think their system's used to it. They can drink the water. No. They can't drink the water? They can't even drink it. It's such a fascinating place because you can't really walk around at night and you get abducted. There's millions and millions of Disapero all over these posters with their faces on it. There's millions of them. And you're like, this is good PR. Yeah.

That's what it says. Disappear-o. Mexican magician. Yeah. I am Disappear-o. I'll take your children and make them Disappear-o. But yeah. He abducts him like this. Whoop, whoop, whoop.

Yeah. Is this your child? Yeah. But then there's no litter. I mean, it's beautiful. It's lush. The streets are clean as shit. I saw two hobos in 10 days. But yet you get abducted, you can't drink the water. So it's like this weird opposite land. We don't really get abducted, but we can drink the water. We got litter and graffiti everywhere, but...

You know, you get what I'm saying. I'll take ours. I'll take ours. I'll take ours, too. Yeah. I need that water. When you're hungover and you're like, oh, I got to go out and buy a jug of water, it's a bummer. You got to prep for it. You got to prep. I'm doomsdaying over here. Yeah. So that was weird. Speaking of doomsday, you know another good fucking movie I just watched? Uh-oh. Did you see 10 Cloverfield Lane ever? No. I saw that. John Goodman? Tim Robbins? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that. It's a Cloverfield movie, but it's like end of the world movie and a woman gets in a car crash and-

They're in the suburbs? No, she wakes up in his basement. Oh, yeah. And he won't let her leave because he's like, we're under attack. And it's like, is he or is he not telling the truth? It's pretty crazy. That is psychological. It's really good. Yeah. I forgot about that. John Goodman fucking rules. Oh, he's the man. Underrated actor. He didn't get brought up as a great actor, but he kills it and everything. I feel like people think of him as a great actor. King Ralph.

Big Lebowski. Yeah, exactly. Fucking, yeah. Roseanne. Roseanne, he's great. Great. Inside Llewyn Davis. Oh, yeah. Babe Ruth, too. That's right, the babe. Dude, uh...

Yeah, what else? I mean, that's crazy, but she's feeling better, though. Totally fine today, but it was a rough road back, and her asshole was just blown out. And yeah, but we had a great time. The food's amazing. Maybe the best food city I've ever been to. What were you eating? I mean, I kept pushing for the Mexican. I'm eating street tacos everywhere, so she hated me. She's like, you're drinking cocktails all night with ice.

I accidentally took a sip of water at one point, which was, she was like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I forgot. I never got sick. So what should you drink? Just neat cocktail? Just neat, like whiskey or something? Neat, and yeah, you can drink like a Jack and Coke, I guess. Or you got to drink it quick, because that ice will melt, I guess. I don't know. But some places have filtered ice. It's a mind fuck. You can't relax because of the water.

But I was eating street tacos all day. I'm like, old Mexican lady. That's what gives you Montezuma's revenge. What? Over there, the street tacos. Yeah, yeah. Like you eat halal here. That's what fuck. Oh, that'll kill you. I used to always eat that like 50 whatever street, you know, those halal cars. Oh, yeah. Those are great. With that white sauce that's sitting around all day in the heat. You got that right. Forget that.

It congeals. It will light up your stomach. And then you ask for the hot sauce. That is some spicy fucking sauce. Yeah, I think that offsets the white sauce. That like kills the bacteria in the white sauce. Maybe, but it also kills your stomach. It's ISIS going at you in there.

But yeah, we had a great time and I would go back. I always say if I run over a kid on accident and I have to flee the country, where would I live? This is on my list. Really? I mean, I hate the water thing. Everyone says bucket list, but there should be a run over a kid list. Yeah, like somewhere you can go or write a novel. You go somewhere, you sit in a tiny apartment with a good view and you drink. You won't miss ice?

I drank it all. You know what you could do? You could just have ice at home and you just get a bottle of water and do it in a tray, I guess. It's funny because they're both, they can't do ice and they hate ice in Mexico. They hate both ices. That might be something. Oh, we got something there. I just thought of that. That's good. I don't know. No ice and no ice. But also, and this might be my ignorance speaking-

It's such a beautiful place. It's so fun. There's so much to do. Why do people want to come here so bad? I'm like, if I was Mexican or Venezuelan or whatever, I'd just go live in Mexico City. Yeah. I mean, I know the American dream is this. There are some people, there are Americans who go to Mexico City, though. Oh, yeah. They're sick of us. But I'm just saying, go there. You know the language. It's cheaper. It's...

I don't know. I guess there's less opportunity, but... So in your fantasy, when you run over the kid and you flee to Mexico, are you hiding out or are you kind of living in the open? Because you're kind of recognizable. Yeah, but I'm out of jurisdiction, so I'm kind of living in the open, I guess. I feel like in Mexico City they'd get you, though, right? Yeah, probably. You've got to go somewhere, like, really where they fucking hate America. Venezuela. Venezuela could be good. Yeah, but I hear that's a shit show.

I mean, every country's got nice parts, I'm sure. But, like, dude, I just love... Look, I love traveling anywhere, but, like, New York I just love. And I love America. Even the parts that are... Sure. Like, I love that we're just on the road every week and you're just like...

I mean, it's fun to just pop into Philly. It's fun to pop into Boston. It's so different everywhere. It's fun to pop into San Diego, SF, like wherever. I kind of love it. You kind of don't really need to leave. I hate to say it. We got so much variety. You go to Portland, Oregon. It's good to leave, though. Sure. But then you go to Miami. It's like night and day. But great city. Yeah, exactly. We got a little of everything. It's fucking awesome. We got a great country and...

I know everybody shits on America, but we are so much more diverse. Mexico felt very homogenous. It felt very Mexican. I didn't see a lot of black people at all. I didn't see a lot of Asian people. That would be a great traveler review to leave too many Mexicans. Just

Just brutal. They got their one language. They all look similar race-wise, but everybody shits on us. I'm like, we're doing great. We got black presidents over here. We got Asian stuff, Chinatowns. I know I sound ignorant, but we're way more progressive. Asian stuff is funny. We got Asian stuff, chopsticks, lanterns, sushi rolls, udon, Hello Kitty.

But yeah, very homogenous. Much like Sweden is very white and blonde, this is very Mexican. But great place. I would live there. Yeah, for sure. But you think 2023, get the water thing going. What are we doing? Yeah, your whole country's Flint, Michigan, basically. Yeah, exactly. That's crazy. Yeah, good point. But yeah, highly recommend it. And I told my agent I got recognized a lot there. Oh, that's cool. A lot of we might be drunk, so I was like,

mexico city show let's do it see what he's on it yeah that could be fun oh hell yeah what kind of hotel were you at uh we got a place called the park boutique hotel in condesa highly recommend condesa it's right on the park kind of touristy but fuck it you know i'm a tourist and really pretty and cute the hotels aren't aren't that luxurious i'll tell you that you uh there it is the blue one

Were you with friends or was it just you two? No, just us. Because you took a picture on the boat. It was with other people. Oh, she actually had a friend randomly there, so we met up. How do you feel about that when you're in a relationship and she's like, we're meeting my friends. How do you feel about that? It's a little weird, but you're so kind of alone in a foreign country that you're like, ah, an American. We can talk. We can hang out. We know each other. Bring it on. Vacation friend. Vacation friend. I saw a comic at Soho House. This guy Tushar.

I don't know if you know him. Tall Indian guy. I haven't seen that guy in eight years. We did comedy together in Atlanta. And then you see him and you're like, oh, we could shit on this and make fun of that and comment on this. And that was nice. That's a fun photo.

Oh, nice. Yeah, they get a lot of... It says fuck off, gringo. During the pandemic, a lot of Americans moved there and apparently fucked it up. But imagine if we did that? You know? It's all flipped. You know what else is interesting about Mexico? And this is the last thing I'll say. Their Mexicans are Mexican. Meaning, you go to Germany and you're like, who's your Mexicans here? And it's like, oh, the Polish people.

You know, like who fixes everything? Who does all the work? That's hilarious. And in there, it's just them. Yeah. And the landscaping is beautiful, which I know is a stereotype with Mexicans, but it's fucking great because that's the Mecca. It's like getting a bagel in Israel. You know, it's going to be good. The best workers are the Chinese and the Mexicans. Yeah. You know? Or pizza. The Chinese have the great wall. Right. You know, they make nice shit. Yeah. Well...

Don't bring the wall here. But yeah. But yeah, no. Really cool. Worth going. I'm hung over as shit right there. I'm drinking a Diet Coke, if you can tell. Coke-a-lite, they call it. Which you gotta learn all this shit. But my parents... They call it Quarter Pounder down there. Royale with cheese.

so yeah and then i'm funny i'm texting you and you're like i'm in missouri i was like oh wow missouri we couldn't be in more different places i you know i made the most of it i had a great time and you know shout out to chris who runs a blue room it's like you know i just booked up clubs that i wanted to go to for the next couple months to tighten up my hour and it's like it's helping it's definitely helping he's running a great club there he's like the mayor of that town it's amazing yeah he just runs everything and uh

We had a blast, man. Can I ask you a question about your act? Yeah. I know you have your hour almost or you have it. And do you add more stuff to it to see if this could go in or are you just adding more for the special? Good question. A little bit of both. I'm like, if this fits, cool. If not, I can move something else out. It's almost like you're seeing who's making the team. Yeah. You're like, all right. I feel like this stuff is cooking right now. A lot of the hours, I could sweeten this part a little. Yeah.

I could maybe... Like, I have an ending on a couple stories. One of the stories I'm telling, it's like, there's a huge pop, like, four minutes into it. And then it goes, like, probably five and a half, six minutes, and it ends funny. But I'm like, do I try to get a better ending at the six-minute mark, or do I just cut that and end at the four? Like, you're making kind of technical decisions, right? Yeah. To me, this is, like, the sweetest, most comfortable spot as a stand-up. I'm dreading that building. Oh!

I'm already thinking of it. I just hate – It's hard. It's such a hit to your self-esteem to just go up there and suck. I feel it at the cellar when I'm working out, and I can tell when there's people there excited to see me, and I suck. And I'm like, I got to work out somewhere. It's devastating. I can't – I'm not going to do it if people are seeing me on the road. Yeah. And then people who know you go, I thought this guy was –

better than this and that just kills me it's like a girl being like man I heard you're great in bed and you can't get it up and you're like no no I can do this it's a bad night you gotta let me work on it or whatever I'm working on new dick shit yeah yeah

But yeah, I'm with you, but you have a little runway here. I have a little runway. I have the longest runway I've had in a long time, for sure. Good! So I'm trying to enjoy it, and... And you'll probably get a good 20 minutes, or at least a solid... As long as I have a good 15 to start with, I'm good, and then I'll figure out the rest, but like...

I want to have – I don't want people to see me on the road and I don't have a good 40 at least. Yeah, I feel the same way. It's tough. 40 is the minimum. It's getting tough because you don't want to – every city you go to, you want to give them a good show. Of course. It's not like I'm going to go – it's tough. Every show in Springfield was good except one and I was like, man, they were fucking a little slow. They were a little rude. Every once in a while, you'll get a crowd where you're like, oh, you don't respect what we do. Yeah.

And I could just tell. I was trying. I was fucking killing. Like, not killing, but, like, doing well enough, I thought. I was throwing my heat. They weren't loving it. It was going well for, like, I don't know, 40 minutes or so. And then I have a chunk there where I'm like, I'm going to try some new stuff. I said, I'm going to try some new stuff. I'm going to close strong. You know, I promise. So, you know, I did, like, probably 10 minutes of new stuff. And it's one hit, one won't. And one missed.

I said, you know, got to try the new stuff. And he goes, I said something like, I got to try some new stuff. He goes, yeah, we can tell they're new. Woo!

And I'm like, I've been throwing you heat. Yeah, I know. It's like the second you have like a fucking slip up, I'm like... People really feel like they can chirp now. Yeah, yeah. They think they know comedy too. Yeah, it was just one of those things where I was like, it's been working every other show in every other fucking city. But like, hey, you're not going to bat a thousand. Yeah. And you got to try new shit. I'm not going to, you know, work out in another city. But every once in a while...

You've got to slip it in. Yeah, for sure. That's the only way to test it. Yeah. But do you let them know or do you just quietly... I kind of ignored it. I was kind of like, yeah, you know. Yeah.

No, no, I mean, do you let them know you're doing new? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you do? Okay. Sometimes I'll slip it in to see if it fits a chunk, but I will find like a portion I'll block out to do new. What do you do? I kind of pepper it in because I don't want them to know it's new. I want them to treat it as if it's regular. Right, to see if it'll stand on its own. Yeah. Problem is,

When I do that, sometimes it weakens the other shit. Ah, true, true. I think like if it fits, like I did that – I tried that gun joke I told you guys before in another gun bit. So it worked. If I can see an opening for it, I'll put it there. But if not, you know. Yeah, yeah. It makes you wonder how we've ever built material. And yet we've built so much. It's like we have an opposite problem now. Back in the day, it was like people weren't paying –

Yeah. Yeah.

And if you didn't get a laugh, you got killed. And now it's like, ah, there's no gun. I have a little more leeway to fuck around and try. But I don't envy you with that new stuff. But you got three months to build it. Now I got two months. You got two months. That's something. You know.

It was good, though. I got another movie rec for you. Oh, please. Our boy Ronon kept telling me how good The Holdovers... I loved it. I loved it. I thought it was great. I mean, Alexander Payne. Killer. One of the best writer-directors...

Oh, yeah. So good. The wife loved it. I loved it. We showed it to the family. They loved it. Yeah, it's just like a good, it's like an old school movie. Yeah, yeah. It's like a throwback where it's like- Like a Dead Poets Society kind of thing. But better. I thought it was way better. Really? Yeah, I don't love, Dead Poets Society is kind of corny, I think. It has good moments. Good moments, but it's not, yeah, on the whole. Just some corny shit, though, isn't it? What was that other one with Brendan Fraser? School Tides. Never saw it. Nazi Tides. What?

Is it good? Oh, he would love it. I think it's a Jewish kid who goes into like a Christian wasp school. Yeah. It's fun. There's some Jew hate. He goes, well, let's come outside. We'll fight about it. Nobody will fight him. A little off the Jewish stereotype. He's like this big, buff, scary guy who's like, you want to fucking go? Let's go. Frasier's a Jew? Yeah. Oh, I like that. And somebody put a swastika in his bedroom and-

It's a whole thing. It is crazy that he went from being an action star to a kind of heavy dude. Kind of heavy. He's the whale. I know, but that was fake. A lot of that was fake. Oh, was it? Now he's just... I'm so sure. Really? No, it was a fat suit, but he's still fat. He's not that big. Hold on. Yeah, he went from like... Well, can you imagine if John Cena was just like, I'm going to be a fat guy now? It would be weird. Of course. It's gradual, but yeah, look at that. It's not that far.

He could play Dangerfield. Holy shit, you're right. That's insane. You're all right, kid. You're all right. By the way, they're reopening Dangerfield. Did you hear that? I did hear that. It's a cool room. Good comedy club. Really seems to good. Even his tie's loose, but that might just be the weight. He's fucking great, though. Oh, great actor. Great actor. I heard he's a cool dude. My agent's boyfriend's like a hair guy. Uh,

And he works with Gerard Butler and Brendan Fraser, and he goes on and on about how they're the two nicest. Oh, really? Yeah. George and the Jungle. I remember that one. Oh, yeah. He was hot in that. He was fucking ripped. And I think he was in The Mummy as well. Oh, you think? He was carrying an action franchise. I guess so. And Encino Man. Oh, yeah. Don't forget. Flash from the past. He was in some... Dude, what was the one with Elizabeth Hurley where she was like... Oh.

Oh, man, was she hot. God, she was hot. She had a run. Still hot. Still looks great. She's still posting bikini pics in her 50s. Wow. Yeah, Hugh Grant was all in there. Yeah.

Hugh Grant I don't get, but women like him. I don't get it either. He's five years old. You know why you don't get it? Because it was like the cutesy bumbling. Yeah, yeah. It's like his personality was like he was always rushing home to take a shit. Yeah. And for some reason women found that charming. He's like, oh, I just got to, oh, oh, oh, oh, I shit myself. Yeah.

That's true. There was something about him that was like, and also like those chick flicks sucked. I mean, I'm sorry. Notting Hill is, I know it's a chick flick, but it sucks. Yeah. Love Actually sucks. About a Boy is all right. That's a great movie. Yeah. And great book. Nick Hornby, man. Hornby. Killer. She's making me Hornby. She's fucking hot. That's crazy. That's crazy. She's incredible. 57? Come on. I mean, that's Define 57.

That's insane. Yeah. And that's how body positive we are, if you're attractive. Yeah. Well, I don't get it. They say don't objectify, but if she's fat and we're like, hey, she's hot, it's okay to objectify. Funny how that works. It's not consistent. It's not consistent. Is Kurt Rambis your backdrop? Yeah, he is. Why is Kurt Rambis your backdrop? Kurt Rambis.

Look at those arms on that guy. They're like fucking noodles. He was the goon. He was the enforcer. Oh, really? He was tough. Really? Are you kidding me? I don't know how to play. I brought him in with beat up players. Really? He wasn't a skill... Look at him. You think he was a skill guy? He was a...

Yeah, he was like what they brought in to beat up Bird and McHale. Wow. What? Yeah, he was like the – you know, the Lakers had like sick – you have skill guys like Magic Johnson and Byron Scott and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You needed – and then you had like Michael Cooper who was like a tough guy, tough defender. You had him who was like a tough guy and then you had like – you know. Oh, yeah, Goon. By the way, back to Hugh Grant for a minute. Yeah.

He hooked up with a trans woman. Oh. A hooker. She was trans? I thought so. No, I think that was Eddie Murphy, I think. Oh. And it was alleged. I'm not trying to pull an Aaron Rodgers here. I thought it was a double trans. I'm not trying to pull a Pat McAfee moment. Pull it up. Oh.

When's that list dropping, by the way? Well, that's what I was getting to. This saved The Tonight Show. This brought The Tonight Show from... It wasn't a trans hooker, though. Oh, it wasn't? Do you hear a Tom Arnold story about this? No. Tom Arnold was shooting a movie with him. I forgot what movie, but the story he was telling, the whole time, he was like, let's hang out. Like,

you know, and they became buddies on the movie. And then he was like, Hugh, like, let's hang. And he's like, oh, you thought we were real friends? Like, we're film buddies. We're shooting a movie together. And then he got busted for the hooker thing, and it fucked him. And he was like, are you available? And he goes, oh, we're not real friends. Oh. So he got him back with it. Oh, damn. But he just admits it. And this brought the show from, like, number three to number one. He was putting up with Letterman for a minute. Yeah. For a minute. I think in perpetuity. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

he's even dude let me start with him i know he's bumbling what the hell were you thinking he's so charming even after a hooker i don't say that to be clear but i think among most people going yeah yeah um what it says it's not easy um you know i the thing is um

People give me tons of ideas on this one. I keep reading new psychological theories and stuff like that. You know, I was under pressure, or I was overtired, or I was lonely, or I fell down the stairs when I was a child, or whatever. But I think that would be bollocks, really, to hide behind something like that. I think you know in life...

pretty much what's a good thing to do and what's a bad thing and um

I did a bad thing and now you have it. Did he though? This is a scandal. You hooked up with a hooker? This is a scandal? Well, it was the 90s. Well, he cheated on his girlfriend. It's public. Oh, I didn't know it was a cheap thing. He was dating Elizabeth Hurley. Yeah. Why is that my business? Because it's a tabloid story and he's playing a likable leading guy. That's what it is. He's the cute guy. He has to do this for women. Men are like, yeah, I mean, it's bad, but we don't give a shit. Men aren't the ones buying to see...

Yeah, the inquirer. Unless their girlfriend or their wife is like, I want to see the new Hugh Grant movie. And then ladies always say, he had Elizabeth Hurley at home. Why would he get a hooker? And you're like, ah, you don't get it. It's different. He had a steak at home. Sometimes you go out for takeout Chinese. Yes. Love Chinese. Very good. No, but it was, yeah, I mean, she's ridiculous. She's gorgeous. But you don't know what's going on in people's lives. You don't know like-

Is he next to... Who is that next to him? That's the prostitute he hooked up with. Oh, wow. Okay, I'm with the women now. She's all right. Let me see. Zoom in. Well, it's just the opposite of Elizabeth Hurley. Oh, she's not bad. Yeah, it was zoomed out. Yeah. That's what it is. It's opposite. Yeah.

Oh, it sucks that she went down too. Or maybe this helped her career. Propped her up a little bit. The prostitute? I'm the Hugh Grant prostitute. Come on. He was a leading man. Remember that time I nearly ruined his life? Yeah. 1200. He did that for you? It's like the Chappelle joke. You ever suck someone's dick?

That's so famous that now you're famous or whatever it was. Don't be that Lewinsky. Yeah. Yeah. Geez. Well, I better be Lewinsky with all the Clinton allegations going out there. Yes. There you go. This is all we had before P. Diddy and R. Kelly and Epstein. This was it. This was the top of the heap. Here's my question. Okay. Here's my question. Clinton, it seems, did. I mean, look, we can all assume he's got questionable judgment at this point. Sure. We know that.

Is Trump in there, too, is my question. Well, they were definitely buds. That's the closest the right and left are going to come together. Right. Trump and Clinton. Well, I don't get why this is such a big deal.

Pedophilia? I think there's something different. Well, I don't think it's all pedophilia. You think it's just they got a ride. If 10 years ago he went, do you want to get on my plane? We're going to Cleveland. I go, yes. So I think you're conflating two things. Okay. There is the flight logs, which has been released. You can see those. Those are online. Okay. This is the client list. Oh, client list. Thank you. These are people who he had services for. Oh. So people who got J-O'd in some island somewhere. Got it. That's all I needed. No one has explained that to me yet. Okay.

Okay. I couldn't put that together. All right. Client list, meaning list of people who are paying to hook up with teenagers. I mean, yeah. Got it. Okay. Well, this is good. I'm back on board. That's why we want to see the list. All right. Not since Schindler has a list been this exciting. Two very different lists. Yeah. One good, one bad.

Well, hey, we always wanted to be on comedy lists. We're glad we're not on this one. Yeah, we were never on Variety's top ten. No, no. But we're going to see Epstein's top ten, hopefully. It's crazy to think about. I mean, we had Louis Black on here talking about... He had told an amazing story about going to Epstein's place like 20 years ago. Oh, yeah. I don't know who the fuck he was, just some rich financier who...

Like comedy. Yeah. I saw, by the way, I ran into Bobby Slayton in LA. The Pitbull? Yeah. And Bobby Slayton goes, I don't know him, but he came over to me. He goes, I saw that story, a true story. He was a very nice guy. Whoa. Wow.

Power of the internet. Yeah. Got to Slayton. I didn't even know he had Wi-Fi. It's nice to see people confirming Epstein stories. I saw your tweet today, but I didn't watch it. The Epstein's pilot. What is that joke? I don't remember how it goes. It's like an old bit. Oh, really? Do you want me to look it up? Sure. I don't remember how it goes. Oh, you're getting in the Epstein algo. It's topical. Yeah, it was topical. I have a guy running my shit, so it's like...

No, it's higher up than that. It should be. That's the Letterman. Maybe I pulled it. I don't know. Oh, no. What's up with that car? Sorry. I don't look at Twitter too much. These are old ones. Oh, OK. I thought that was like an old one.

Well, I got a big shout out while we're talking about stand up to Sam Talent. Put out a new special. I hear he's really funny. Oh, dude. Did you watch it? So funny. Yeah, I watched it. It's hilarious. It's quick. I mean, talk about punchy. Just boom, boom, boom. He's murdering. He's murdering in like minute seconds.

He's burning like 30 seconds just out of the gate. And it's so fun and well shot. And I hope this blows him up because he's one of those guys that's like way overdue. Maybe if he's in town, we could have him on. I'd love to. I'm a total cunt because I typed in Sam Rill Twitter. And this is X, of course. So if you type in Sam Rill Twitter, it takes you back two years. How about that? One of his quotes, one of the pilot's quotes was, he goes, every...

underage person I saw on the plane was with either a parent or an adult. I was like, those are two pretty different things. If I showed up to a playground and they're like, is that your son? I'm like, it's a kid. But it's...

That's a good joke. Let's not go into detail here. That's a good joke. Yeah, it's hard to write Epstein jokes, I feel like. They're just... Yeah. It's like such a dark premise. No one wants to... You got to find like another angle in. Right, right. But...

Yeah, man. I mean, it's like this guy's staying in the news forever. It's like the getting caught, the suicide. Right. Jelaine Maxwell. I know. The list. And there was a James Patterson book about him before this. James Patterson, the writer, was his neighbor in Florida. What? He hated his guts because he knew this shit early. So we wrote like a takedown book of him.

Before any of this. Whoa. It's crazy. Bill Gates said, or Bill Gates' wife said when she met him, she was like, this is the scariest guy I've ever met. Like she just felt it immediately, like evil personified. Damn. And then she's like, my husband's hanging out with this guy and now they're divorced. So there you go. Damn. I wonder if Bill Gates is on that list. Oh, I guarantee he's on there. On the client list? I'm going to go yes. Throw it out.

there why not i'm not an ibm guy cut to our studio being shut down lawsuit i'm an apple man i don't use microsoft but yeah yeah that's it that's the book there you go and he had a couple docs out what's just laying up to i mean she's in prison oh she is on her heels yeah oh she got 20 years that's right wow that is tough i wonder in like 10 more years if we'll get the killer

Because shit just kind of tends to come out in the wash. You mean we killed him? Yeah. Yeah, that's like, I'm not a huge conspiracy theory guy, but that's one where I'm like. Cameras weren't working. Cameras weren't working all of a sudden. The guard fell asleep. It's like, come on, give me a fucking break. That's like out of a bad movie. Right, right. You see the guard like dozed off. You're like, yes. Exactly. So we'll see what happens.

I'm with you. I think this is one of those things where you're like... It's going to keep unfolding. It is crazy. Bill Clinton is a bad person. Poon Hound. Pull up the Norman Donald clip. I mean, he did some good, for sure, but he also is clearly a bad person. Well, he seemed like a cool guy. Saxophone. I tried marijuana once. I did not have sexual... I mean, he was entertaining. He was smooth as fuck. So smooth. Little Rock, Arkansas, baby. Well, those were like those old school Democrats who could connect with the South. Yes. You know...

He was also against abortion and gay marriage. But it was the 90s. Oh, yeah, in the 90s, that would probably be... This is it. It's a little long, but if you can find it, Norm comes out of the gate and he talks about how Bill Gates killed a guy, or Bill Clinton killed a guy. Yeah, it's funny. I've seen this. It's funny how much the view has changed. They're like, easy, Norm, you can't say things like that. And now the view's awful. Yeah, but I still think they wouldn't say shit like that. Maybe.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is great. Steal the election from the winner, you know, but who knows? They hate him. You love George Bush. I love George Bush, man. He's a good man, decent. You know, none of this. You love George Bush.

He's a liar, a crook murderer, or anything like that. Oh, shit. See, I think we should get the homicide out of the White House. Oh, here it goes. Because we don't want any more murderers. I think we should just go on to the next question. George Bush never murdered anyone. His dad was like a war criminal. Not criminal, but war hero. Good job.

Oh, Clint, he murdered a guy. You're not going to put up no more accusations with that. That's a little too far. Yeah. They were pretty hot and heavy. Who's that? Norman L. McPherson.

Yeah. I remember he was on Howard Stern. This is going to make Norm sound bad, but he was on Howard Stern and he's like, all these women were calling in like, Norm's so hot. And Howard Stern's like, all these models want to date you. And he goes, well, I don't want to talk to them. He's like, we could just have sex. That'd be great. But I don't want to like hang out and get dinner. And I remember being a kid like, oh,

oh this guy's awesome but yeah he must have some serious riz he also died alone in the studio apartment with his mom who? Norm no he didn't yeah yeah well he died of cancer but he lived in a studio apartment in LA but he liked it I mean that's how he wanted to live and he's got a son he likes here we go oh no

Yeah, no one was great. I mean, shit, dude. Yeah, talking to models is rough. It's tough. And I'm sure women have that with like, they think this rich guy is super sexy, but I'm sure he's a fucking wet blanket as well. You know, I don't want to talk to some zillionaire guy.

Who's not that interesting. If you're dating someone for one reason. Yeah, that's the way to put it. The other reasons are going to bum you out. Better way to put it. I went on a couple of dates with models, like single phase, just like using riots, swiping and shit. And holy shit, man, they were tough. Oh, yeah. I remember seeing this girl walking out like, man, she's like gorgeous. And then we were talking. I was like, oof. Yeah. It's just not.

It's not going to go anywhere. I mean, I can make, you know, we're entertainers. We could like kind of be silly and turn it on or whatever. But at a certain point, you're kind of like, yeah, I don't think this is going to be good. It's a ball against a curtain. You can't go on. It's not going to work out. And men get mad at women. They're like, I saw a woman posted something like, I won't date a guy unless he's got this much in his bank account. And all these men are like, you're so fucking shallow. And you're like, well, we're the same way with looks. That's just what they like. Right. So like you can't really knock them.

But, you know, it's got to be hard to date and have a conversation and connect on either front. I love Attell's bit about, I saw a girl say, you know, 10 inches or don't even message me or whatever. And he goes, oh, you need enough to shut down a school. Ah, come on. That's fucking cool. You got to have Attell on here soon because he's got a special coming out. Oh, finally. I know he hates doing podcasts, but this will wake her up. There you go. What is that? What is that?

Some heroin? A little fentanyl there. See, Mark, you were on vacation. Did you have any new bit ideas while you were there? I got a ton of ideas. Hit me. And I got some peeves. Ooh. Give me both. Well, let me do a peeve first because we usually end on the bits. The lady does this one, and other people have done it, but she was doing it all trip. What is that, chocolate? Yeah, she loves chocolate.

No, not chocolate. It kills a dog. Oh, my God. You scared me there. It's a little dog treat. I know you're a new dog owner. I didn't know you knew about the chocolate thing. Yeah, I'd like to start with a 16-year-old dog. She might be 17 now, dude. She's fucking old. Well, she's on the client list.

An older lady came up to me on the street, like very old. And she goes, oh, she's so, I hope I make it to that age. I'm like, you won't. She's fucking 17 and you'll be long dead. Wait, what is 17 and? 17 times 7? I can't even. Yeah, I can't either. This is how it was in Mexico with the pesos. I was like, ah, just take it. Take it all.

What is 17 times 7? Working it out. 17 times 7. It should be like 105 or something. One ninth. There you go. Way off. Jesus Christ. That's fucking old. Better than I had. All right. What's your peeve? Okay. One peeve is when you get mad at somebody for not doing something and they just scream that they're actually doing it. You know, like she was doing a thing. I can't remember what she was doing. And I go, hey, hey. Oh, what was it? Shit. Hold on.

Oh, I was like, grab the remote and throw it to me. And she just wasn't listening. She was in her phone. And I was like, hey, you're not listening. Grab the phone, grab the remote and throw it to me. And she's like, I am.

And then she threw the remote to me. And I'm like, well, it's been four minutes of me going, throw me the remote. And you can't just say I am when you're not doing it. It's like, hey. What is that? Why do people do that? I don't know. It's weird. I'm like, hey, can you answer me? Or like, hey, oh, this is a big one. When you go, we got to leave right now. We got to leave. And I'm like, I'm leaving. But you're not. You're just doing other stuff. I once dated a girl who...

It was like right when I signed with William Morris and I was in L.A. And they were like, you want to go to the Lakers game tonight? And I was like, fuck yeah. Yeah. And then she's literally getting ready for so long. It was like it's like a bad it's like a bad sitcom where I'm like, well, it's the first quarter's over. Right. Like the second quarter. I'm like, thanks. Exactly. Glad you got your fucking mascara on. Yeah. We missed Kobe's last fucking season. Oh, yeah. Right. Right.

Yeah, that was it. I was asking her a question. She wasn't talking to me. And I was like, hey, why aren't you talking to me? She goes, I am talking. I was like, but you're not. That's why I brought it up. They're lying to you. They're lying. Weird. But I'm like, I have proof that you didn't because that's why I asked you to do it. Yeah, that's gaslighting. It's gaslighting, but in their mind. That is a definition. Everyone misuses gaslighting, but that's gaslighting. I guess so. But she's even convinced. She's like, no, no, I'm talking. I'm talking right now. I'm like, but you weren't. So that's annoying. Yeah.

And then the other one is these garbage cans in New York drive me crazy. Pull it up, Sally. Oh, you couldn't find it? Oh, which kind is it? The pull ones? The pull ones. I hate the pull ones. I hate the pull ones. I'm not even a germaphobe, but I'm like, I don't want to touch this nasty fucking handle. Well, for me, it's not even that. It's the NYC something or other. Hold on. I'll see if I can find one here. They're all in Midtown.

Damn, I don't see it. The pull one. I hate the pull ones. Why do you hate them? I hate them because I always have a pile of garbage in my hand, and then you've got to get a claw out, pull it, and then it doesn't fit because the pull thing is so long. Why do you always have a pile of garbage? Well, you've got a big to-go thing. You don't have a shoe in your building? I'm on the street. I'm eating a pizza box. That's it.

That motherfucker right there. Those suck. At least they got a kickstand on that one. Yeah. But those drive me crazy because there's like five inches of plastic before it actually gets to the hole. And they seem more difficult and more expensive than the classics. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just sound like old dudes who are like, things were better when I was young. I'm going to shoot a video of me holding a Chick-fil-A bag that's this big, and I'm going to pull it out and put it in, and it never fits. It's a fucking mess.

All right. You got a peeve? I got a peeve. I got one when you ever have someone where you're texting and they're like, call me right now. Oh, I hate that. And then you call them. You're busy. I call them. And then they just ask you one thing. I'm like, well, you could have just texted that one thing. Right. You know? That's crazy. This is about Pam LoShack, by the way.

Every time. Famous New York publicist. Call me right now. All right. Then she's like, can you do this show tomorrow? Yeah. You could have texted that. Right.

Okay, you ready for a bit? Oh, can I do a quick peeve? Oh, please. Real quick, this is my impression of Pam. Call me right now. Okay, what's up, Pam? She goes, Dr. Drew is on hiatus. You couldn't text that? Wow. I didn't ask about it. You brought it up. Yeah, 9-11, I'll give you. Call me right now. This plane's going into a building. Holy shit, that's insane. But Dr. Drew is on hiatus.

The hiatus is the definition of time off. We have plenty of time. I don't know. We can figure this out. What do you have, by the way? Sorry. Oh, it's when you're in a bar situation and you have like a funny line. Like you just said, that's why he's on the client list. Like something like that. And someone's like, did you just come up with that? It's like, no, no, I fucking wrote that. It's a good one. That's a good one. I hate that. Ah,

No, I've been workshopping, hoping I could slide in a comment that you would maybe say. Yeah, right. Of course, that's insane. I knew the scenario would play out exactly like this. Yeah, no, I write schtick like this is Carson in the 80s for our hangouts. Jesus Christ. By the way, Pete Holmes was on Panel on Kimmel. I don't know if you love him or hate him. He killed it. It was really like a, oh, this guy's a panel guy moment. It's hard to kill panel. Panel's a whole different animal. I'll check it out.

A whole different Panama. But yeah. See, this is my peeve in Pam language. Call me right now. I am calling. But you're not. You're not calling. We're texting. That's the point. Yeah, if you can text, I am calling. You're not calling. Exactly. I don't like a sense of urgency when it's not called for, basically. Also, the person who will send you 14 texts and you haven't responded to one yet doesn't

Let me catch my breath and read the other 14. Yeah, I know. I know. Exactly. Especially when you're not in a conversation at the time. I understand if you're talking, someone's like going, going. Right. But if it's just out of nowhere and they just keep going, you're like, all right, this is a lot. That's too much. You got to relax. Because they just text as they talk. You know? And you're like, well, I got to read all this. Oh, how about the voice memo people? Oh!

Sally. Guilty. Are you a voice memo person? I feel like it's an LA thing because they're driving and they're like, I'll just leave a voice memo. Yeah. You're like, cool. It's been three minutes. But sometimes it needs inflection. Sometimes when you leave a text, it's like, this is flat. This sounds like a voice memo defender right here. He is. I am. I'm an apologist. You're an apologist? If we're editing something and you text like,

Line three's got to go where you say, quote, blah, blah, blah. It is a lot to write. I get that. That's fine. Line three's got to go. Some people will just go for like three minutes. That's the problem. That's the problem. It's like a voicemail where they're like, oh, is there anything else I need to say? And you're like, come on. I get that some people don't like looking at their phone, but it's a lot. Yeah. You know what the voicemail thing needs? It needs the old answering machine like, woo! Cuts you off? You're out of tape. Yeah. That's good. How about people...

when you're talking to them on the phone and they're at the fucking deli ordering. Oh. Oh, yeah. And you're like, in the middle of a conversation, you're like, hold on, I'll take the chopped cheese. It's like, why am I on the phone with you while you're ordering a chopped cheese? You know who did that this morning who I saw pull that? Pam LoShack. Alec Baldwin. Whoa! I'm at my, I'm at my, uh,

At least he put the phone down for the order and then walked to the corner. Wow. Because I was like, who is this husky big guy? And I was like, oh, shit. Alec Baldwin. Good hair. Beautiful white silver fox hair. And there was a moment where he's like one of those old school stars where I feel like if you talk shit to him, he'll drop his phone and be like this. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. But some guy on the way out was like, I love you. And he goes, thank you so much. And just walked out. Yeah.

It's just like he's one of those like all or nothing. Like, I feel like he's very debonair. If you're if you're if you're nice to him, he's just like very, you know, very like civilized. But I mean, he's like got that Long Island and he wants to fucking take your head off. Right. Yeah, for sure. And there's a video of him at the shooting range. All right. He turns around. He's like, I think I got it. All right.

Just tell me this has been done and I'll throw it in the garbage and take a shit on the trash and light it on fire. Not one of those trashes. No. Uh...

I saw a little girl in Mexico, like a five-year-old girl, and she had the dolly, you know, as they do. So the mom had a baby in a stroller, and she had a doll baby in a doll stroller, and they're both going, I was like, oh, that's cute. She's mimicking the mom. But boys don't do that. You never see a boy with a briefcase, a pipe, and a bottle of whiskey, and a handgun, and hitting a fake wife.

That's funny. I mean, I'm going hard with it, but I'm just saying. Kids do have fake guns. You have like a sport gun and shit, but like. That was the turn. The only thing you have like your dad is a gun. But yeah. Yeah. Or like something with other shit kids have that could be funny. Like what's a dad thing? Women growing up would have like an easy bake oven. Exactly. Exactly.

They got a little kitchenette. They're playing house. They got a dollhouse. Well, it's funny because they'd be like, well, that's like outdated. And you're like, well, these kids playing cowboys and Indians. That's really outdated. Oh, true. True. Yeah. I'm trying to think of like other. Yeah. What's a dad thing? A suit. You know. A kid's holding a fake newspaper. Right. Right. He's a. Fake coffee. Yeah. He's a. Like the girls walk around with a doll.

You know, it could be a funny angle is like the shit that boys do, like women, like your goals as a kid are on it. They're attainable. Like having a kid is you could have that kids are wearing like sports jerseys. I'm like, you're not going to play for the Thunder. Oh, that's a good angle. That's a good angle. Yeah, true. I guess kid could play sports, though. You could play sports. I'm not going to go pro. That's true. What else do kids do for like fantasy? Yeah, you have a kid. Help us out here.

Yeah, man, I don't know. Because boys go to the moon. You don't know you've been getting drunk with us every week. He's not allowed near him. Boys go, we go superhero, G.I. Joe, baseball. It's bigger. Where this girl is like, I want a fucking baby doll. It's kind of a little more grounded. Yeah. You want a baby. It's also like a weird...

It's such a weird thing. We tell women they could be whatever they want, and then what do we get them as kids? We get them dolls, like a baby doll. But what if she wanted the baby doll? That's the other weird part. It's like, oh, these kids have an Easy Bake Oven, but she asked for it. What are you going to get a girl? Gloria Steinem book? She's four years old. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot here, I think. It's an interesting idea, but I don't know where to go with it. The Jersey thing's not bad. Something about if you're a kid...

What else do girls, like little girls play with it? I'm trying to think. So can you do the premise again? Just do it from the top? I,

I saw a girl, like a five-year-old girl, next to her mom. The mom had a baby, a real baby, and a stroller with a baby in it. And the girl had a fake stroller with a doll baby in it. And I was like, this is weird that you want to... This is the toy you want? You want to be like your mom, I guess? This is fun for you? And then Easy Bake Oven, playing house. They literally play house with teacups and shit.

But a boy doesn't mimic the dad. Yeah, he's not doing taxes. Yeah, yeah. Taxes is funny. But they do... There are a lot... You have to find the perfect angle because they do mimic the dad in a lot of ways, right? Like, they'll have a fake little toy truck or something, you know? Oh, yeah, the truck. So there's stuff... You have to find the perfect angle. Like, tax is a funny angle. Yeah, tax is good. They're not doing, like... Something a kid would never do. The angle has to be, like, they're not doing the difficult stuff a father has to do. Right, because motherhood is a difficult fucking job. You're mimicking my...

pain almost. Yeah, yeah. You're mocking me with this shit. And this kid was an accident. You know, maybe. But the doll was bought on purpose. No kid's like, oh! Hey, maybe that's something. Maybe no kid's like, oh, I had a doll on accident. What the fuck? Maybe the animal... They're putting it in a fake dumpster. All right.

New York City garbage can. Yeah. They're hard to open. You don't see like the boy doing shit his dad has to do. Yes. Yes. Or he's just like, that's enough. Or something like that. Right, right. It's not like fighting with the mom or like, I don't know. Yeah, because the mom will hire someone to watch the kids. You know, it's almost like, get this thing away from me. But the girl wants the doll. Maybe that's the beauty of the doll is it doesn't do all the shit that babies do.

Maybe the kid has a race car bed, but the dad doesn't have a race car. You're teaching the kids to be like, you're teaching the girls to be nurturing with these dolls. And like, we don't teach the boys. It's interesting. It's like, you don't teach. Yeah, that's why I think there's something here. Because look, it's a real brain twister. Things are bubbling here. Yeah, maybe the angle is like, she's going to grow up to be a mother. Then you see the kid with like a toy gun. And you're like, man, I hope he doesn't get bullied. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Right, right. I don't know the angle yet. But it's target rich. I mean, there's something here. It's rich. Something here, yeah. Okay, I just got to till that soil until I find a seed. All right, what do you got? Let me see what I got. Hold on. I got to look for a sec. This one's going to take some precision. Got to figure out exactly what I'm trying to say. I got a lot of angles that I don't think are there yet. Hey, join the club. Is this something?

My girlfriend asked me, she's like, do you want to have sex with other people? And I was like, of course, you know, and she was I was like, don't you? And she said, no. But I said, but you find you say you find guys attractive all the time. She goes, yeah, but I don't want to have sex with them. I was like, well, that to me is weird. That's like I see a movie poster that looks good. I want to see it. I'm not like, oh, that looks great, you know, for another man to enjoy. Oh, yeah. You know, that's good.

Yeah, that's great. He should enjoy it. He should feel pleasure from the, I don't know, something there. Well, the problem with the movie thing is with sex is an attachment and emotional. There's not really an attachment and emotional with a movie. I like the holdovers. It made you cry. Both of you guys are crying. Yeah, yeah. Because you think the sex thing is like too much. Like, yeah. Although I'll tell you this. You think it's not emotional or an attachment.

You ever watching a show with your partner and you go ahead? They're pissed.

Good point. Interesting. If you think that's not connected. You didn't wait for me. That is masturbating. Yeah, you didn't save the nut for me. Right, right. You didn't finish. You finished without me. That's a lounge song I'm working on, by the way. Save the last nut for me. Yeah, you finished without me is something for sure. Do you remember Phil Hanley's line from his last special when he's like, my girlfriend wants me. She's like, do you jerk off to me?

And he's like, babe, you know monogamy is my kink. Very relatable. That's funny. Louie had a joke about that. His was a lot rougher. He's like, what are you, fucking high? I can think of anything. I got fucking gnomes blowing me and eating my ass. You know, whatever. That was a Louie bit. Yeah.

Have you watched some Louis? You can just buy it on his website. Fucking great purchase. You get all five seasons for $30, and it's killer, dude. It's just so good. Well, it's just no committee. It's just his fucked up brain. Did you see that Rick Rubin clip that's going around? What is that? I might have said it to you. Maybe not. It's about don't do art for the audience.

Gotta do it a little for the audience. That's what I think. That's the interesting thing is like, okay, you're in a different field than us, Rick Rubin. Like, you know, all due respect, he's not even an artist. Well, he makes stuff. He produces art. But yeah, but I think the difference is... He's like a Don King. Yeah, I mean... He's the white Don King. Except the hair's on the other end. But you know, with us especially, we focus group our stuff. That's true. Stand-up's different in that way. Stand-up's different. Go ahead, though.

And to do what you love and to make things that you love, whatever it is. Make your favorite things. You be the audience. Make the thing for you, the audience. Put a diary entry. That was his big angle. I think to some degrees, right? I mean, I agree with it a little bit where it's like, yeah, make what you would want to see. I mean, we fucking wrote a movie together. It's a movie we would want to see, right? True, true. Yeah. I think that's it.

Yeah, with the glass. Any of these metrics of which is better, like the idea of the Oscars. That's not it. Goddamn. It went viral. That's the only reason I bring it up. But it brought a lot of thoughts into my head, and that's why I bring it up to you because I want to hear your take.

basically saying, don't do art for the audience. That's basically what Marvel is doing. It's just like explosions and superheroes and fun, and it's not art. It's just like, hey, this is catered to you, quick, easy, done, you leave. He's like, art should be like a diary entry. You show people, and don't worry about what they think, but ironically, if you open up enough...

They will like it more than they like the Marvel movie. That was the big takeaway. Yes and no, right? Like a diary entry, to me that feels like the comics who are like, this is my therapy. And I'm like, cool, where's the joke? Ooh.

I think there's a middle ground where you can make it personal but also make it for the audience. Like make it you but make it – I mean that's what we're doing with jokes, right? This is our life and this is our perspective. But it's always going to be that. As long as you like stay – as long as you stay unpretentious with your comedy and you remember like I'm doing this for laughs. I'm not doing this to make a point or to pander. I mean the type of shit where people are like this should be a diary entry.

Diary inches aren't funny. I mean, unless you're like, I got finger fucked by my dad. You're like, holy shit, this is crazy. My favorite part of the Anne Frank book. Yeah. But they're not, it's not great entertainment. No. I mean, that's one chapter out of the diary. Not one chapter, one snippet. It's not the full book. The full book is like, I went to school today and I talked to Tommy and he's cute. And oh boy, I got excited. And then, oh, I got a tummy ache. That ain't good art. I,

I agree. That being said, there is like a type of movie where it like feels where the dialogue feels very real. Yeah. Right. And that is like a genre where you're like, OK, well, this isn't like a movie where the dialogue is meant to be snappy. This is meant to be truthful. And that's fine. That's cool. Yeah. I feel like Noah Baumbach will make movies like that. Right. Where it's like this is supposed to feel real. There's a movie called Columbus a few years ago. That was another good with John Cho. And I forgot the actress's name. She's really good. But.

There's movies like that where the point is to be real. But it's still got to be good. It's like you said. You need a middle ground. It's like Barbie. Barbie's a perfect example. I don't know how good it was, but it's huge numbers. People love it. It's blowing up. It's number one on HBO now. It's number one in the theaters. Made more money than any movie in the last couple years, whatever. But it's Greta Gerwig and then –

Noah Baumbach wrote it together, but they wrote it to be a little more mainstream and they're very kind of alt-y indie directors. Yeah. And they wrote it. They met in the middle. They wrote it to be mainstream, but you have their talents, but still channeling it through this kind of mainstream vehicle. Yeah. And I think that's why it's so good or so big.

Big. I didn't like it personally. I know I'm probably not the target demo for that movie. Sure. But like it looked beautiful. There's a lot of cool things about it but like it just I didn't think it was funny or witty to be honest. Yeah I didn't think it was that funny. I thought it had moments of like oh that's a clever turn and that's an interesting look on that. But

I'm with you, but I'm just saying, like, I think you got to meet in the middle. Yeah, I mean, look, that was, like, for the masses. That's what it was meant for. And that's fine if that's what you're trying to make, right? Like, it would be weird if they made, like, an indie Barbie film. You know, that would be weird, too, right? God, that would be weird. She's a cutter. She's cutting plastic and it won't bleed. Winona Ryder. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's...

I don't know, man. It's... Lena Dunham as Barbie. She's all fat and tatted up. Yeah. All right. But I think that's a good bit. Yeah, I do think you need...

You need it to be you or else it's not going to have an original spin on it. But I've seen the comics that are like, this is my diary entry and I want to fucking leave the room. I know. I know. It's not funny. I'm with you. We watched that shit. We came up in that alt boom. Yes. And we saw those guys kind of blow up. I was like, I don't think this motherfucker can play Idaho. Oh, God, no. I don't think this person can play America. I think you're killing in Brooklyn. Yeah. But it's not...

And it's cool that, like, you know, the guys coming up that we liked, like Louie, were like, or Attell, I thought they could kill any of those. Anywhere. A funny joke's a funny joke, and it doesn't have to be this heartfelt, open, vulnerable thing. But that could be done well. That could be done well, but... There's a skill in that as well, but... It's still called comedy. Yeah. What comedy means, funny, jokes, laughs, and no one's laughing. So, like, what are we doing here?

But there are a lot of different types of comedies and there's a lot of different, you know, it's like you can make a heartfelt comedy or you can make like a punchy comedy, a dirty comedy. There's so much type of shit you can make, you know? Yeah, but I think if you're standing in front of an audience that paid to see you in Cleveland, they got to be entertained or laughing or you're failing. Does Rick Rubin create music or is he a producer? I mean, what is he? He's a producer. I saw an interview with him. It was 60 Minutes. He was like, I can't play an instrument. He goes, I just know what I like.

And he's barefoot. So I can find that for you. And he's got a beard. I just know what I like. Not shaving. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And shoes. I hate shoes. I hate shoes. No, I think there's obviously a skill in that. There's a skill in being a great producer. But also, it is weird when people that aren't creators are like, this is how you create. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're an observer of creating things.

Like, you know, you work with like the BC boys and who else did he work with? I mean, he's got an amazing. All these rappers. Jay-Z. There's an amazing video of him like working out a song with Jay-Z. Tom Petty. 99 Problems. He's like.

We should do acapella in the beginning. You know the song? Sure, yeah. Jay-Z originally said it should be 101 problems, and he was like, no, it should be 99. Guru. All right. I'm not saying he doesn't know his stuff, but I do think if he didn't look like that, nobody would listen to him. Yeah. I think if he had a suit on and a part in his hair, I think no one would give a fuck. And I think he knows that. But!

Don't play it. Everybody knows 99 Problems. But the point is... At least you asked if I knew that song. Hey, do you know the movie Oppenheimer? I've heard of it. Rick Rubin produced that. Did he? No, I'm joking. I mean, you never know. You never know. He's got his hand in everything. And I think now it's good to have his name on shit. Like he's gone that far where he's like this legend status. And I'm not saying he doesn't know his shit. I'm just saying...

I don't think he understands...

All of it. He still needs the artist. He couldn't make something on his own. It's one thing to be able to listen to an artist and be like, change that, change this, change that. I'm a genius. Yeah, but you couldn't have done it without them. But also being able to pull something out of somebody is a magical trait and what a producer does in music at least. And I think he does that really well. No, there are legendary producers and I've been around producers where I'm like, I see that. They have a definite talent, but...

Yeah, I don't know. But there's also a lot of producers who stink and leech on the fucking people more talented than them and then try to fuck them over. Yeah, there's definitely that. There's a lot. To me, this is kind of like when a lady says, like, I love funny guys. And you're like, yeah, but you're not blowing Chris Farley, you know? I hope not now. Well, yeah, that'd be a dirty, dirty, bony blowjob. But I'm just saying, like, yeah, you do love funny guys as long as they're 6'1".

and fit. Like, this homeless guy could be hilarious. And, like, I'm being extreme here. I'm generalizing. You put your money where your mouth is. Suck off that homeless guy. But the thing of, like, hey, it's got to be a diary entry. And it's like, yeah, yeah, but there are diary entries that are super boring and there's nothing there. So, like...

You can't just say that and have it be the end all be all. We're fighting the indulgence of a diary entry. That's like I think what bothers us is that like someone like you, you're honing your shit. You're taking so much care in it. You're like kind of like searching. I've watched you for years. I've watched Mark for so long like trying to figure out bits. And I think when he says that, I think Mark is his reaction. I get angry. You're annoyed because you're like. Annoyed. No, it's more than that.

Yes! It's more than a fucking diary. A diary entry is like stream of consciousness. It's self-indulgent. Right, right. And it's like, okay, done. It took eight minutes. Yeah. I think... There's no fine-tuning. There's no editing. I think we're reading into it. Look, any quote, you're going to read into it the way you read into it, but I feel the same way as you. All right, I appreciate it. But that's why I brought it up, because I think it sparks a good debate. It's like when you guys say in comedy, it's like, that was your first thought. You got to get past

that yeah first thought go to your second or third that's why you write a screenplay eight times because it keeps getting better and better I mean sometimes you get over right but yeah I think with this the diary entry thing you're like it's still Louis Richard Pryor so honest that's why he's great he's honest yeah but he's also fucking hilarious I know so we can't just go oh he lit his hair on fire I can't just go out and go hey I lit my hair on fire honesty is not funny it's not funny I have AIDS

I guess that is funny, actually. That was pretty funny. Okay, honesty is funny. I take it back. Honesty is good. But I remember Jim Norton had the great point of like someone called in to Jim and Sam when I was on. He made a fat joke or something. And somebody was like, you think fat people are funny? And he's like, well, no, I made it funny. If I see a 700-pound guy on the street, I'm like, that's hilarious. Yeah.

Same with Seinfeld. A toothbrush isn't funny, but he made it funny. Right, right, right. And I'm like, that's a great point. Nothing's inherently funny. Nothing's inherently funny. And a diary entry isn't inherently interesting. So it's still got to be good. I think that's the problem with a lot of these podcasts now is that people are speaking in absolutes. Yes. Absolutely.

And you're like, this is a secret sauce right here. Right. There is no secret sauce. Right. Figure out for yourself. This is a trial and error pursuit. I mean, you're going on stage and you slip and you fall on your face. You're like, that one's not funny. Yeah. Then you go to the next one. See if you slip and fall. There's no secret to this. There's no secret. And here's what I want Rick Rubin to do. If we're really where the rubber meets the road.

He links up with Tom Petty. Hey, Tom Petty, I'm Rick Rubin. I'm a legend. I have no shoes on. Let me come over and work with you. We'll do a new album. I'll be Tom Petty. No dice, dude. You got to wear shoes to my place. No shoes, no service. Let me do that one. All right. But my point is, take Salicus, who's never written a comedy hour in his life, and go...

Well, you're actually kind of funny. So let's take Salakius and go, you're going to be a model. Next male model. That's hurtful. That to me would be like, oh shit, this guy is fucking talented. He can take the ugliest man in New York. He can take this guy and make him the next big thing. Sorry. But you know what I'm saying. He's going to make you an NBA star or whatever. That would be like, okay, Rick Rubin is a fucking genius. He took this guy and made him play for the Knicks. Yeah.

That's me right there. That's you. Yeah. Look up some footage. This dude was a fucking... Pull up Kurt Rambis. This guy was a fucking goon. He's an NBA champion, dude. Yeah. He was a bad motherfucker. He was a terrible front office guy for the Knicks, but...

By the way, the Knicks just made a move for OG on an OB, dude. I'm fucking hyped. Who's that? This guy we got from Toronto. We had to trade RJ Barrett and Emmanuel quickly. It's tough to see the young guys you love go. Yeah, Barrett was doing well. And quickly was looking great. But this guy, OG on an OB, he's like a game changer. He's like a shutdown defender. I'm fucking hyped. Well, we thought that about Zion when we got him on the Pelicans, and that didn't change much. Oh!

That was a nasty fall. They hated each other. The Celtics. The Celtics. Maybe that is you, Sal. He looks like Howard Stern. What's going on here? He's tall as shit, huh? He's big. He's like 6'7", probably 6'8". Wow. He was a... Was he out of Philly? Boston? No, Lakers. Right there. But I mean, where'd he from? Oh, I don't know. He was a tough guy, though, for sure. I mean, like...

Oh, is that him now? Yeah. Oh, wow. He's hanging in there. Yeah, he was... I think he was the next coach for a minute. Maybe he was definitely assisting. What? He was definitely assisting. Terre Haute. Where the hell is that? Indiana. Oh, a lot of Indiana boys. He's got a good white guy. Larry Bird, right? French lick? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, fuck, Larry Bird was so cold, man. Oh. So cool. I'm not even the biggest NBA guy. I've watched montages of Larry Bird just because all the guys are like, you watch these Johnson, Michael Jordan, they're all just like, Larry Bird was a problem. He was crazy. Yeah.

I mean, NBA would not be the NBA without Larry Bird and Magic Johnson because they're beef. Like, you need a rivalry. You need people to care. You need drama. And they fucking hated each other. And then they became boys. It's awesome. Great NBA story. Great documentary on them on HBO. I forgot the name of it. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a great doc on Bird and Magic. I mean, yeah, look at that shit.

Wow. He was just crushing dudes. He's kind of innovative. Look at that back. Look at that behind the back. Dude, he was so good. And he could dunk. He did everything. Oh. Breaking ankles. You ever heard the story about what he said when he walked up to everybody at the three-point contest and he goes, which one of y'all is it coming in second?

Damn, he was fucking money. I mean, Boston needed this guy. A tall, blonde, white guy. There's the other story about him, and I don't know if it's true, because it's one of those legendary stories about him rolling into a bar in Boston. They're like, Larry, don't you have a big game tomorrow? And he goes, why don't you let Larry Bird worry about Larry Bird? I heard the story about Satchel Paige, where he would get the ball in the mound, and he would look at the opposing bench, and he'd be like, all right, who wants to hit today?

And if you spoke up, you actually got the hit that day. Oh, really? Yeah. Which is, is that Woody Allen's kid? No. No, no, he's got a kid named Satchel. That turned into Ronan Farrow. What? He changed his name? Or, no, Satchel is the girl. What's her name? Oh, is that the girl? Okay. Damn, these shots are stupid. Dylan.

Dylan. You know what Bird used to do? He used to tell the player, garden him where he was going and still hit the shot. Wow. You see, I'm going right here. Just so you know, just as an extra layer of talking shit. Wow. And the other team is fucking... They're dying. That's like that meme where they go, oh. Yeah.

He was bad. I mean, this was a cool era, man. I mean, I'm so grateful I came up in the 90s, like, watching the 90s Knicks and shit. They were just, they never won, but they were just so fucking cool. Yeah. They were cool to watch. All right, we got Rhombus, we got Larry, but we gotta talk about a black player. This is getting weird.

Well, the 90s Knicks, they were viewing. Okay. Those are my guys. The Knicks right now are fucking awesome. All right. We got to hit a game, man. I would love to go to a game. All right. We got to hit it. And then who are they getting? Netanyahu? What's the guy? Oji on a Nobi. Nobi.

Oh, look at those guys. Look at the flat top, baby. Xavier McDaniel. Yeah, dude. Knicks are stacked right now. That's somebody he loves right there. That's a big arm. That's love, dude. That's LJ and John Starks. I had them both on my show when I had an MSG show.

Really? Yeah, dude. They were both cool as shit. I think it's about that time for an Asian player, by the way. We had Linsanity. We had Linsanity and we had Yao Ming. Not we, but he was out there. Ming was sick, but injuries derailed him. Ah, you know they got the two tallest people in China to fuck? Did you know that? Really? Yeah, that's how they made Yao Ming. Pull it up. No, no, no way. I mean, is there anything more China than that?

How am I supposed to look that up? Did China get the two tallest people? It's a long Google. There's no way. I put money on it. He's 7'5". You know the great story about... Pull up the Shaq clip where he talks shit about Yao Ming. All right. Zhu Yan was taken to the state's grueling basketball training grounds and paired with...

Something something fang fang dee a former Reds guard to give birth to a two meter tall human being. Damn, Mark. That's a weird ass story. I really like eugenics. Okay, so now go YouTube Shaq shitting on Yao Ming because I remember Shaq could not stand him at first and this story gets funnier and funnier because like...

I fucking love the NBA. It says Shaq on Yao Ming racist, that one? Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious. Oh, shit. This one here. I don't know. Shaq on Yao Ming racist. Hip-hop Friday night. The organization of Chinese celebrities will hold a press conference in front of the Compact Center in Houston to condemn Shaq's pigeon English shout-out. Oh, stop it.

Wang Zhu, whatever your name is, you want some of Shaq food? Come get it. I'll be waiting for you. That could have been a lot worse. No, there's a worse one, Tony. There's another one. Neil said he was joking and has since apologized for offending anybody. Remember the famous chink in the armor headline? For Jeremy Lin? Yeah. That guy fired. It was the right expression, though.

I know. It's like when a guy got fired for using the word niggardly, but it was like, that means stingy. It's not like a fucking... Yeah. Oh, Mark's melting. It's in the dictionary. Yeah. I looked it up. I guess there's a time and place. But yeah, Shaq, there's another one where he's like, tell Yao Ming, Ching Chong, whatever. It was bad. Oh. And then later, like...

Shaq went to like visit his family. Like he was like, fuck, yeah, I was pretty cool. Oh, yeah. His parents were like, you're his favorite player. And he's like, I'm a fucking dickhead. But but but yeah, I was sick. Yeah, it was great. And it just shows you can say something. And it doesn't mean you hate an entire race of fucking around. Shaq seems like the Shaq would be a he's a green guest on this pod.

Yeah. Oh. I feel like there was a, I mean, you're going to have to sit on my side of the couch. I would love it. But Shaq is like, he's up there with, we said Charlie Sheen. Shaq is a dream guest. Good point. Shaq would be fucking awesome. Yeah. He would get drunk with us. Yeah. I think we got Jon Hamm. We need Hamm. We got Sheen and Shaq. How are we looking on Jon Hamm?

I think it's possible. We need ham. Yeah. Mark and I, we won't wear suits, but we will drink old fashions. Yes. Yes. You better fucking wear suits for ham. We got to wear a suit for ham? You wear suits. I'll wear a suit. Mad men and his motherfucker. Is it too much to go, eh, eh, when he walks in? And don't break eye contact. We both just stare at him. Ham, we want ham. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

The guy falling off. I've seen it too many times. It's the best. We'll get Christina Hendricks in here to serve us. Cooper. Damn. Slap her on the ass. She was pretty special. Boy, that's a full-figured gal. Great character, too. Great character. Love Joan. Yeah. Joan is like Liz of the Celeb. Yes. She's a badass and just fucking...

Gee, this is Jessica Rabbit personified here. She is gorgeous. You know who she was married to for a while? Who? Good Lord. That guy from Super Troopers. Oh, really? Get the fuck out of here. Wait till you see which one. The Indian one? Yes. Oh, I would say his name, but it's like 38 letters. No, no, not that one. Oh. Well, there's only one Indian one. No, he's like a side character. Farva? No. Can't be Farva. The guy in the car. I can't pull over anymore. This guy. Get the fuck. Married. What the hell?

I can't handle it. I mean, he's divorced, Mark. What are we going to do here? I mean, I just can't imagine these two. I mean, this is the oddest couple. Jeffrey Aaron. I mean, good for him.

I mean, they're divorced, so not good for him. Well, just that he pulled it. Hey, he's from the big island. Hey. Hey. Wow. That guy went up to her at a fucking event and spit some game. He said, that rack of lamb is one of the finest I've ever seen. This should be a Hall of Fame thing on this show. Hall of Fame of guys who punched up and won.

That's incredible. What was his divorce? Is that winning? Or are we just taking into account that... That's a win. He had a hell of a ride. That's a win. That's a win for life. I'm sure they went through hell with the divorce. It was grueling and sad and painful, but he titty-fucked her on a Tuesday in March, and that's all that matters. That was a fucking good Tuesday. Yeah, it was. I bet he did it on a Wednesday, too. Yeah, probably.

That will never be forgotten. Like 9-11. What was that? Jon Hamm just saying, no thanks. I don't want to come on anymore. Can you not talk about my co-star getting titty fucked? Uh...

Wait, now where are you on titty fucking? You ever done it? Yeah, I like it. I don't get it. If the tits are really big, it's pretty fun. Yeah, I guess so. You lube them up a little bit, throw some lotion on there. I just feel weird, and then you're looking at her, and you can tell she's not. Well, yeah, maybe you get a little licking going on while you're doing it. That helps. There's ways to make titty fucking work. All right. Look, it's not my first option. Sure, sure. But it could be fun. I think it's one of those porno things where it looks hotter than it is. Yeah.

I'm too in my head with shit like that. I just see her and I want to give her pleasure. And obviously it's just skin on skin for her. It's not like a pleasurable area. Well, some women do get off giving pleasure. That's true. That's true. Okay. And I get off giving pleasure. There you go. I was really doing a porno thing with the wife, the squirt up move, and she was going nuts. And obviously it's just my finger, but I was like...

This is awesome. Yeah. You gave your wife a squirt? I did, and we had to really get out of that forever 21. No wonder she was sick in Mexico. She was dehydrated. I like to do a character where I don't know how to finger, and I'm just going like this. I told him I first met with a girl, I was like 13 or whatever, and I was fingering like this.

I'm like hitting the pubes. I'm not even in the bottom area. There's no like, porn is really like, I guess, where you're educated. Like they have sex ed in school, but like you learn shit from porn, right? Yeah, porn. That's why I always finish by coming on a woman's face. That's my sex education. Yeah. I just perked up on that one. Yeah, Winnie liked that. Sometimes I miss and I shoot a load on Winnie. Oh, yeah.

That's why it's so sad. Yeah. So the eyes out. That's a better joke. Peter. Peter. The slam, the put back dunk. Yeah, the Yao Ming. She is so fucking cool, this dog. Yeah. I do love it. I met an Asian guy. I forgot I met an Asian guy in New Orleans one night at my wedding. The night we went out after and there was this tall Asian dude and he was so funny. He was just like fucking killing everybody at the bar and I called him Yao Zing. It's the highlight of my life. Yeah. Did you write that?

You just come up with that? Just come up with that. I came up with it then, yeah. Your wedding, man. I remember there was like that burger spot in New Orleans. Oh, yeah. It was clutch. That was my friend Ron. Shout out to Bubz Burgers. He killed it. Yeah, he showed up with a pan. Sorry.

So I feel like we're coming to an end here. Yeah. But we have a listener-submitted song. Oh, wow. By the way, before we even play it, we have the best fucking listeners. Yeah! It blows my mind. The amount of, like, creativity. They send in these incredible creative things. They're always...

Tweeting movies at me Yes Someone just hit me with the movie Lone Star I've never seen it I'm gonna watch it Lone Star Yeah it's from the 90s He was like you like neo-noirs Check this out I look it up it looks great Really Yeah it's Chris Cooper's a star Oh Is it kind of like a What was that one Jeff Bridges did

Where he's like a singer. Crazy Heart. Crazy Heart. Is it like that? No, but that was great. That was fun. Jeff Bridges is fucking legendary. He's the man. Especially as a comic. He was like a road vet. He was older. He was a drunk. Yeah, that was like... That had a lot of comedy. Oh, parallels. Yeah, yeah. You're in a bowling alley. Right, right. Sorry. Go ahead. Here's a little song. What's his name? So let's encourage people to send more stuff. Yeah. We should highlight it a little more too. Yeah, we'll highlight. We love highlighting people...

John Ryan? Brian. Brian. Here you go, John. It was already a John Brian. This one's for you. Hey, folks, we might be drunk. Really drunk. This is a New Orleans tune. This motherfucker. Hey, folks, we might be drunk. Shit face. This is a favorite song. This is a white stole from Black Boat.

Comedy. He just made a little remix. Fuck you, John. No, I liked it. That was fun. That was fun. But that was a New Orleans send-off there. Do we get a gift we have to open here? All right, let's check it out. Okay, what the hell is that? Might be the card. For a good time. Uh-oh.

Spread freaks. Dick fuel. Oh, this guy. When can we start Vrooming? I think it's a motorcycle company. Oh, my God. Some fucking good for a good time. Scan this. I don't know what that plus. Right. That freaks me out. So I get a fucking calendar in the mail. Oh,

from Germany. It's some dude ass, which I hate that people know where I live. He sends me the calendar. First off, I thought it was Stavro sent it to me and I was like cracking. I was like, oh, Stav sent me a calendar. I was like, I'll use it. That'll be funny to me. You know, but it's just some dude's ass for every month. I'm like, this sucks. Wow. It sucks to get a shitty gift and this dude knows my address. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, the address thing is worrisome. I love it.

It's like the black dick guy. Remember that guy? Yeah. R.I.P. He dead? He died. Yeah, Mark and I fought to use him. Yes! We basically got shut down in our script. We wanted to use a joke. And it was a dumb, like it was a throwaway joke. But it was literally, I think it was me or Mark showing the other one on our phone about this like event. And it was just a black guy's dick. And they were like, the guy's dead. I'm like, but it's still fun. And everybody knows it. Yeah.

But maybe that makes us like NC-17 or something. Oh, that makes sense, yeah. But he was pretty adamant, like, don't use those. We were laughing at him. We just thought that was a funny... How often do you say, never not funny? Someone's like, oh, fuck, this kid's dying. Please donate to the charity. And you click on it, it's a black dick. I love the idea where like, salt burn, too much dick, a little money. We can't get this black dick in the movie. What the hell?

Comedy is different. That's a good point. Artsy movies, it's like... Because dicks are funny. Dicks are funny. They're not artsy. And farts are funny. But like, it was like under the guise of like, you know, dude just fucking... That movie bugged me. I don't know.

Well, it was shocking enough to get you talking, you know? Sure, and to that I give credit, you know, like I get it, but I also, just because you're talking doesn't mean it worked. Yeah. I think this person like visually knows what they're doing. She's got an incredible eye and the acting was awesome, but I just like...

You know, I thought it was a little hollow, too. I mean, I don't want to shit on this person's movie, you know, but it's like we love this one guy, you know. But and then like the Venetia character was a little flat. I kind of liked her. I mean, I liked her, but I feel like there wasn't a ton there. I don't know. And then they they they support the black kid and he's like the the the one they help. And then they turn. I just felt a little been done, a little rote.

It just felt like, yeah, like a little underdeveloped. Yeah, yeah. But...

But, you know, well done. And they pulled it out. I have this like, you know, I guess I go toward movies instead of TV shows because you're in and out. But then at that point, you know, you lack development. Like these TV shows can develop a character for like you can develop a character further than you can a movie because you do over seasons as opposed to over 90 minutes to two hours, whatever. But.

Yeah, I don't know. There we go. I think you've done such a good job on this episode of like, I'll rant and rave about horse shit, and then you succinctly put it in a nice package, in a nice sentence. Here's my package on this movie. The most interesting parts were just the shocking parts, whereas the plot itself wasn't exactly that...

clever. I feel like they earned it more. Very similar talent to Mr. Ripley and I feel like they earned it more in that one. There you go. They earned the shock and they earned the... They built to it more. It was kind of just like too neat as opposed to like

It was messy in Ripley and it should be messy. Yeah, it should be messy. That shit is fucking messy. Yeah. That's a great fucking book too. If you haven't read Talented Mr. Ripley, man, Patricia Highsmith is a fucking... Is it a series or is it just one book? I feel like it's a series. It's a series. Okay. But the first one is like the masterpiece. You know, it's like Ripley's game and stuff. Right. But like...

Talented Mr. Ripley is like epic, man. She wrote Strangers on a Train. Oh, wow. Yeah, she's a fucking legend. Yeah, great, great suspense writer. If you took the period blood and the grave fucking out, would people be talking about it?

That's my point. That's a good point. That's my point. And it's just a lot of beautiful people, right? Like the main guy. The main guy. He is a handsome fucker. Handsome, dude. Like pretty guy. That guy, he's like the it guy now. I forgot it. Jacob Elordi. Is that his name? Elordi. Yeah. He's like eight feet tall. You know, pretty, pretty boy face. Yeah.

He's got it all. He's a handsome kid. But now people are talking about the Irish guy. Who's that? Oh, the main guy. Barry, yeah. He's a very good actor. I mean, that is a traditionally unattractive man. Yeah, but talent goes a long way. It does. And the cock didn't hurt. You said the same shit about Adam Driver.

Yeah, I mean, traditionally unattractive, but I like him. I'd blow him. But is the cock actually big? Because he's like, what, 5'4"? That's true. I mean, you know. It's weird. He gets so Irish, it's almost Asian. You know what I mean? If you go far enough, it goes into Korean. Penis and everything. Well, the penis was big. He wasn't bad, yeah.

He's tiny, so you're like, is it big? That's the question. Right. He clearly fluffed. Did he? I think so. We got to fluff in our movie. Oh, I'll be fluffing. I'll be fluffing, too. Should we fluff each other? Eh, we'll play it by ear. We'll hire a fluffer. Be stuck if you get a dude fluffer. Wait, that's not the picture. I'm the fluffer. We should do a flubber remake with fluffer. Okay. I can't stop fluffing.

Should we plug some dates? Hell yeah. Where are you going to be, man? All right. I'm in Tampa, I think this weekend, coming up. Tampa Theater? Where are you? Tampa Theater. Beautiful. We had a show. Beautiful theater. Where are we? Yeah, Tampa Theater. Oh, great. Two shows and then Jacksonville, Florida, at the Florida Theater, which will, that is not selling great, but hopefully by this time it'll sell out. Indianapolis, speaking of Larry Bird. Egyptian room? Yeah.

Klaus Memorial Hall. Whatever that is. Shirk on Columbus, Ohio, January 19th. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Davidson Theater, Columbus, Ohio. Then the Beacon Theater, New York City. Added a show. First one sold out. Holly Lee, a punch-up. Danny from Punch-Up, I think, really helped. He's the best. Danny Frankel, shout-out. Love him. Night Theater in Charlotte, North Carolina. Lexington Opera House. San Antonio. Houston. Houston.

Salt Lake City, Boise, Idaho, Atlanta. When are you in Salt Lake City? That is February 16th. Ah, we just miss each other. 17th, yeah.

Are you there before? No, right after you. Uh-oh, I'm swooping in early, stealing your tickets. A lot of crossover. Atlanta, Raleigh, Austin. We're going to add a show there. Tucson, Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona. Charlotteville. Charlotte. Albuquerque.

El Paso, to name a few. MarkNormanComedy.com. Get Bodega Cat. The theater there is really fun, man. Very fun theater. Doing that with the fat Chris Allen. That'll be fun. We'll do it up. Come on out. New material. What do you got? I got Philly this weekend. We just added a show. What room? I'm doing the punch line. I'm doing clubs again. Oh!

Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Should be fun. We just had a late Sunday. Lil Gary's going to be there with me. Won't bring the gun. Stanford, Connecticut. I think that might be gone, but that was supposed to be a fun room. Dania Beach. Nice. That's a fun one. Yeah. Omaha. All fun rooms. Dallas. The Addison Improv.

We got Oklahoma City, OKC Comedy Club. And then we got Irvine, February 23rd through the 25th. That's moving well. And then we got Salt Lake City the following week at Wise Guys Comedy Club, February 29th through March 2nd. And the following weekend is the taping at the Wilbur, baby. I'm excited. Whoa. I think that's gone, I think. But it's... Wow.

It says tickets available for the late show. Oh, late show on Thursday maybe. All right. Jesus. That'll sell. I mean, you got two months to sell that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be fine. And I think we're being cautious with kills right now, so we might open up a few more. Okay. But who knows? Hate the kills. Hate the kills too. Yeah, come on. They always overkill. They overkill. It's annoying. But I'm pumped to tape that one. I'm sick of the material.

I'm just like, I've been doing it too long. It's a killer hour. Thank you, man. I saw it whenever the hell JFL was. That was a while back. Man, that was a tough crowd, though. That was a tough crowd. They were drunk as shit. I got off and I was like, ah, I could have done better. And then you didn't like it. I was like, all right, good.

no you were great and then we and then I was like insurance I was like man this guy won't stop heckling me I'm bringing out Norman Ian Lauer and Brad Williams and having a little guy out there yeah just a little slam dunk for riffing but uh yeah keep listening to uh the pod Bodega Cat Whiskey a lot of people uh

messaged us about how great the set designs have been lately on this show oh yes Matt Peters Pete best in the game just crushing it really the best amazing Gotham Studios hell yeah Gotham Studios crushing it uh he's doing so many pods here Henrik Lundqvist from the fucking Rangers has a pod here he's killing it so uh yeah Natalie Cuomo Natalie Cuomo Andy Haynes and

And if you're in New York and you need a podcast studio on the fly, call up Gotham. This guy's got some good mics here. Yeah. Do you plug in anything, Salakis? No, I'm all good. Winnie will be eating chocolate later tonight. She's crushing, dude. All right. Well, this has been awesome, and we love you guys. Keep listening, and fuck yeah. See you soon. Thank you. Someone's talking dangerous. Up to lunch here in New, this woman doesn't.