Ep 159: Merry Queef-mas (Ralph Barbosa, Carmen Lynch, Louis Katz, Santa Claus
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Hey, folks, here we are. We're here. We're queer. It's a beautiful 43 degree day in New York City.

When we're taping. I don't know what the actual Christmas is going to look like. Oh, good point. Well, we could be dead by then. Climate change. World War III. Yeah. Palestinians. What else you got out there? Speaking of explosions, I just dropped the Negroni poop, the likes of which. Hey, Ralphie. That's you. Yeah, that's you. I believe it's a gingerbread man.

Or boy. Thanks for coming in, bud. Hey. Take your time. Hey, how are you? You again. Good to see you. Who are you with? Sloth? Sloss? Yeah. He drank with us. Oh, yeah. He's got a problem. He's got a problem.

So wait, while Ralph's putting on his inmate outfit, let's hear about the Night of Too Many Stars. I did a spot last minute. Someone dropped out, obviously. When you hear this lineup, you're like, yeah, someone dropped out. John Stewart? John Stewart hosts. Okay. John Oliver, Chris Rock. Wow. Adam Sandler. Wow.

Robert Schmeichel puts it together. Too many stars. With the jacket. With the jacket. I like it. He's a gingerbread guy, but he's like off the clock. Nice to meet you. I don't think we've met in person, right? What? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Worlds are colliding. So I did this thing on Monday, Night of Too Many Stars, the benefit show. It used to be on TV. Yeah, I remember that. But it's like for autism. And I did one joke I shouldn't have fucking done, too. But I...

It's like I walk in, I'm like, holy shit, that's Harvey Keitel. Whoa. It's like people that you're like, what the fuck is that guy doing here? Is he autistic? No. No, no, no. But he can play autistic. He's good. I want to appreciate the money you made for my people. But I go up and it's like, you know, Gaffigan's here, everyone's there, whatever. I get off stage and it's like, I did a couple jokes I shouldn't have done. You know, you go into a joke. I have a joke where the punchline is...

special ed moron or something. I could have cut that one probably. And I get off and the first face I see is Keitel and he's like, ugh. Fucking Harvey Keitel hates me. And then I turn to Steve Buscemi and he's just like, I could have just been his face. But that's like his face is always like that, you know? He's funny looking. And then I turn and it's Paul Rudd. He goes, yes! Wow! Bailed out by Rudd. So many stars. Yeah. Paul Rudd's a funny dude.

I love Paul Rudd. He's funny. Steve Buscemi's a little funnier or whatever. That's my comedy opinion. Yeah, Steve Buscemi rules. Yeah. Big Daddy, he's the hobo. Yeah, yeah, sausage McMuffin. Yes, exactly. Even when he's not funny, he's funny. Yeah. Remember when he got shot in the face on Sopranos? Oh, yeah. That was hilarious. I thought you were going to say Fargo. He's been shot in the face a lot. Yeah, I never saw Fargo. Fargo's fucking good. I just remember he's got the groceries and he's like with the keys and he's just like, blam. Yeah, pull that up.

I use this to get hard. Oh, this is Jamie, by the way. She made us drinks. We're having coquito. She's familiar with it. This is your second time having coquito? Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. This is my first coquito ever. No. Oh, yeah. What's your background, then? Thank you. Mexican? Oh, okay. Yeah, Puerto Rican. It's not everywhere, I guess. Coquito's like a Puerto Rican thing. Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah. That's better, uh...

Eggnog, I think. Oh, wow. I've never had eggnog either. What does coquito mean? Little coconut. That's what it means, but it's different from eggnog where it doesn't have eggs. Yeah, this is so good. Damn. I usually hate coconut. Yeah, it doesn't have eggs and it has sweetened condensed milk where eggnog has heavy, like, regular milk. Yeah. And sugar. You just pull up where the dad gets shot in Fargo? That was the wrong scene. No, I was right. This is where Shemmy gets shot. Oh, yeah. He shoots him. Oh, yeah. Dude, pull back a second. Right before he gets shot, it's the weirdest reaction to getting shot. Fuck you.

He's like, oof. He's like, ooooh. That would have been a good Pepto commercial. Ooooooh. Shot in the face and improved it.

Wow, what a mood. Coen Brothers. Yeah, check out Fargo. That's a good one. They put him in a wood chipper in the end. Yeah, I was probably thinking that. I'm still going to watch it. You can ruin endings for me. I'll still watch them. Same. Do you live in Texas? Yeah, kind of. Wait for it. Oh, what a fucking shotgun. Wow. On the firewood.

Do you guys ever watch Barry? Yeah. That was a cool... That's cool how he dies. Yeah, he's like... What did he say? What's his last line? He's like, oh, wow. Bam!

Pull it up. I didn't see the ending of the show, so that's the last season, I'm guessing. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That's all right. You can still watch it. This is such a spoiler load of a podcast. That's what's considered a great show. Bill Hader's amazing, but it's funny that that's like a comedy. Yeah. It's a comedy. Try watching that before bed on the road. You're going to want to slit your wrist. It's the saddest fucking show. Incredible. I mean, the acting's insane. Henry Winkler is like- Oh, I love Winkler. By the way, this is the difference between men and women right here. There's no group of women sitting around going, pull up.

when Buscemi gets shot in the face on a porch. Whose desktop cover is that?

Is that from Dog Day Afternoon? You got it. Yeah, that's badass. It's Christmas. I put the package in there. Nice. That'd make a good Halloween costume. The suit is tough, though, because they're like, what are you doing? Yeah, nobody would know. No. Except big Al Pacino fans. Right. I don't know. Yeah, you just look like a dead, maybe gay guy's.

That movie's like a gay rights movie, right? Trans. Trans. Oh, shit. And gay, too, kind of, right? Yeah, in a way. Yeah, it's all part of the LGBT plus Q minus. Gene? This is Barry. So now I'm going to know how it ends. There we go. Oh, really going to spoil it for this guy? Yeah, it's all good. What season are you on? I'm one behind, but I'll still watch it. Oh, it's still an interesting season. Yeah. All right, there you go.

This is like the finale. Sorry, guys. Wait, where's Buscemi? I don't think he's in this one. Oh, I thought that's what we were doing. Are we not doing it? I don't know. Ralph just brought it up. It's about to happen. Okay. This is the long... I don't even remember this now. There's that meme. I forgot who did it, but it's like dudes can just sit around and talk about... They can just name role players in the NBA. That's what this is, but dudes getting shot in the face. Right. What if I just got the movie wrong? Oh, there you go.

Whoa, Ron White? Oh, wow. Oh, that's fun. All right. All right. I'll still watch it. I feel bad for people who've died, but that's got to be a cool way to die, like getting shot. Yeah. People respect you automatically for that. Teddy Roosevelt was shot, and I think it helped him win the presidency. He got shot during a speech and then kept going.

Why did he keep going? He was that tough. He was folded up in his pocket so many times. The bullet pierced the speech. The bullet just got in him. He finished the speech and then went to the hospital. There you go. You know whose presidency it didn't help was JFK. That's true. It didn't help his presidency. They told him you should wear your speech on your forehead, and he didn't listen.

Who had that bit that Biden's the only president you could punch assassinate? Shane. Oh, that's funny. That is hilarious. Anyway, yeah, I live in Texas, but I've been coming to live here every other week.

for a little while like for for a month maybe damn yeah might as well get a condo or something yeah that'd be cool i mean i stay at my friend's place in queens i just go in on the rent with him so i got like a like an apartment now i guess but i do want my own place yeah i don't i don't know all my stuff's like some in his room and some in his living room but i don't know i'm never home anyway you know that's how i feel sometimes right

I went to my other room. I have two rooms, and it's just two giant suitcases open. Same. Yeah, I leave them open. That's just my apartment always. Yeah. People are like, you should clean your room. I'm like, I'll be there for a few hours. I just need to pick some shit out, maybe do some laundry, and I'm out. That's it. I feel good sleeping in transit. Me too. Yeah, we're on that tour bus. That was the best sleep I got in a long time. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Isn't that sad? I feel the same way. I did a bus this year and I was like, I sleep like shit at home. Yeah. I know. The bus is where I was meant to be. I even sleep better on a plane than I do at home. Yeah. Like all stiff and stuff. Right. But I don't know. Somebody recorded me sleeping at the airport. That wasn't cool. Oh.

Yeah, I like that on a tag do you yeah, they tagged me. I was like pretty funny Yeah, whatever it is. I'll punch him well there no I won't they're a woman, but I'm my mom to punch him That was fucked up probably better. It's a woman a dude is it would be worse. I think I've been tagged by dudes recording me sleep Is that legal? Yeah, well I usually sleep at the airport. Maybe you're narcoleptic. Oh

nah nah nah I can't sleep like at night but once I'm at the airport and I'm like 15 minutes till we board then I'm just like alright alright I'm the same way the body knows it like starts to go into shutdown mode and then there's a delay a 15 minute delay and you're just like that

You threw everything off. Yes. Now I'm fucked for the day. Exactly. It's all hinging on that. It's got to be an on-time departure. 6 a.m. flight. That's why I mostly fly Southwest. They're the most consistent. But I don't know. One time, well, a few times I flew Delta and I liked having like comfort plus or even like first class.

But there's been two Delta flights that get delayed, and I'm just like, nah, I can't risk it. Right. Can't risk it. Do you fly in day of? Yeah, I fly in day of. Same. Yeah. You do a day early sometimes. The only way I'll do a day early. He's a nerd. Nerd.

The only way I'll do it is if it's two theater shows in a night. Okay. If it's one show, I'll risk it, but if it's two, I'm like, I'm fucking myself. All right, all right, all right. If it's a club, I always go day of. Yeah, I haven't done theaters yet, so I'm, yeah, I'll take back the nerd thing. We're going to theaters next year. There you go. January, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I first saw you on, I think the first bit I saw of you, I forgot even the song it was, but you were like, it was a rapper who bragged about going speed limit. Oh, Quavo. That's fucking, that's a great bit. Yeah, he won't open my DMs.

But yeah, no, thank you. I like that. I like that one. That one got me some followers, but I am like, damn, I can't really do that on the road now. Right. Because people know it? Yeah. Sometimes people will yell it, like, do that one. And I'm like, nah, that's weird. No, but that's nice, though, that he's getting requests. It's flattering, but you heard it. It's funny when it depends on the comics. I remember many years ago, I'm opening for Gary Goleman, and people were like, grapes!

It's funny the bits that, like, you know, you can tell the type of comic you are. Yeah, Gaffigan said there's a guy who follows him to all his gigs and dresses as a Hot Pocket, and he's outside dancing. And you're like, damn, that is the height of repeating events. That's funny once. Yeah, but he goes to all his gigs. I don't know. I feel like that would be pretty funny, like, all the time.

Just never acknowledge the guy, though. See how long he does it for. Yeah, because it doesn't ruin the act. It's funny the first time and like the 19th time. Yeah. Every other time. Right, right, right. This guy. The first time and then that time where you're like, you're still doing this? Oh, yeah. I like that.

Yeah, man. So what is like... You've been out with like Birth this year and you've been on the road. This year you've been really going hard, right? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It's been alright. You know, you get lots of free stuff, which is cool. Yeah. This is how fast his rise is. This guy hosted for me 10 minutes ago and then now...

I got an agent after that. They're like, you hosted for Mark Norman? It was Harvey Weinstein. We want to get you on the road. Yeah. I hosted for you at Arlington Improv. That was it. Yeah. Arlington Improv is cool. They got like an arcade in there. Which one's the Arlington Improv? It's in the middle of Texas. Oh, right. Yeah. They got an arcade in the bar. And I mean, comics get to play for free. Like all the games are free. It's like one of those, like you pay 10 bucks and then you get to go play or whatever.

And so it was cool opening for people there because you get to just like kill time in the arcade. Right. But now I can't go in the arcade anymore. It was like somebody will stop my game. Right. Yeah. What's your game? Well, I like playing like Marvel versus Capcom 2. Hmm.

They also got Mortal Kombat in there. But I don't know if I just suck at Mortal Kombat 2 or if they got that one on hard. That's a fucking bitch. Yeah. You're a play and then like the other character, because every Mortal Kombat character has like the same melee attacks and they do the straight punches, but like nonstop. You're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Fucking asshole. I know. Yeah.

You can't compete with that. But if I get Raiden, I got a pretty good chance because I'll do the lightning tackle. He goes, what the what the? Oh, yeah. He's got the stick, right, Raiden? Nah, I don't think so. Does he? He's got the weird hat. He's got the hat. He's the Chinese guy. Weird hat is a cool ass hat, man. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if it's racist to wear that hat, but I'm going to buy that hat. Oh, those are great. That's horrible.

Oh, my God. Remember that guy? There was a bar and the guy wore that hat outside. Yeah? Oh, yeah. And the whole thing about the bar was five shots of anything, ten bucks. Oh, shit. Which is downtown New York. Pretty good. Very good. But, like, do you think they watered that shit down? Oh, yeah. And I think people died in there. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's gone now, right? You're not getting a good customer base with that deal. Not with that hat. Do you guys get recognized at bars and then it causes you to get super drunk because then they give you free drinks and stuff? Yes. Yeah. And I can't say no because, you know, you grew up broke. So then somebody's like, here's a shot of tequila. I'm like, well, I have to take this. This is $12. Yeah, when I was eight, I could have never imagined. Yeah.

Yeah. Getting drunk is... I didn't used to drink a whole lot. Like, I'd be like, nah, I'm okay, you know? But... Welcome to the pod. Yeah. Man. You have a bit about, though, how alcohol tastes better if it's... If you're a father. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think this has been, like, an emotional year. Like, I've never been in my emotions this much, and that's what caused me to drink more. Yeah, don't do that. Sorry. Sorry.

Usually he touches your legs. He got off lucky. Yeah, this is good at hiding feelings. Oh, yeah. And it just turns him into happiness.

Here, here. Well, if you have the right type of, if you're the right type of drinker, some people. Ah, they go angry. Yeah. They go angry. I've seen, no, I've seen that. I'll be honest. When I black out, I go angry. Really? Really. Yeah. I mean, I haven't been there. I mean, you know. You get a bad report the next day. Somebody told me that I blacked out and then I opened up a 12 pack of sodas and then I just started smashing them on the ground, which I think was still pretty cool. But they said I was just like cussing a lot.

All right. Yeah. That's not so bad. I thought you were hitting a woman or something. Nah, nah. That's later. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Yeah. You're fine. There's a lot worse drunks. Yeah, I'll be all right. Yeah. You should see my dad.

Is he a bad drunk? Oh, my God. I met him. He's so nice. Where'd you meet my dad? New Orleans. Right, right. Yeah, he was sober. Okay. You give him a few pops and it is just black guy city mom. It's those really nice quiet dudes. They got all the anger pent up. Exactly, exactly. Like the clean comedians. Yes. Yeah, it's Cosby. Did he hit you ever? Oh.

Oh, man. He would always hit me on the ass, but he would hit you pretty good. Did you have a nice ass? I used to. Yeah? Yeah. He'd beat the shit out of you. He'd spank it out of you. Yeah.

One time he was tying my shoes and I kept moving my foot. Oh, I hate when my son does that. Yeah, I was a dick. I was a piece of shit kid. Oh, shit. He gave me the shake and then the spin and then the wallop. The trifecta. I don't know why I'm imagining your dad hitting you, but like in a silly play.

No, no play. And then when they turn you around, they do the sound effect of woo! No, no, it was bad. And he would always be like, what are you going to do if you go in the military, huh? Somebody going to put your shoes on for you? I was like, Jesus Christ. Have you met me? I'm not joining the military. I'm not going to be General Norman. Parents have the weirdest questions, man. Oh, yeah. The weirdest what ifs. My friends...

brother-in-law's dad died. My friend has six sisters. Wow. And one of their husband's dad who lives in Mexico died.

And my friend's mom was telling him in front of me, she's like, did you tell Javi that you're sorry his dad died or whatever? And my friend doesn't talk to this guy much. Yeah. They've said two words to each other in the last eight years. He's like, no, I haven't seen him. And she's like, what's the matter with you, Jaime? She's like, one day when your dad dies, who's going to comfort you? He was just like, I don't know. Yeah.

You? Like, I think not Javi, my sister's husband who I talked to twice. Right. Well, you're a dad. Yeah, I'm a dad. So are you asking weird questions? Yeah, I guess so.

Like, sometimes he walks slow. I'm like, what are you going to do if you're around fast walkers? But he's just like not go around fast walkers. And I'm like, he's a smart kid. Got me there. Yeah. He's four. He's all right. He's doing better than I am at that age. You were a kid young. Yeah. I had a kid when I was 22. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy. You know, it's a good thing that I didn't have any success at 22. I would have had more kids because I can't have kids now. Well, according to doctors, you know.

I went to blanks. Yeah. Apparently. Oh really? Yeah. I went and got a semen analysis just for the hell of it. Maybe it's not your kid. Nah. Yeah, he is. Oh, just for cool. Try to go Columbo on his ass. Just for cool points here. I took, I took ownership of them when I still wasn't sure if he was my kid. Damn. But then we got a DNA test. They're like, nah, he is your kid. And I was like, oh shit. Let's,

It was too bad you weren't like a big comic yet. That could have been a live stream. You could have made some fucking bank on that. Or maybe. Or Maury Povich. I don't know, but if I would have been getting more like attention from girls back then, I would have had more kids. Yeah, it probably wouldn't have been good, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I went and did a semen analysis one time just because I just, I don't know, I was curious about that stuff. Really? Yeah. And there was a, you could take a semen analysis for like 125 bucks.

at a clinic and I thought that was kind of cool. I always wanted to like medically masturbate. Oh yeah, they give you a room and some porn, right? Yeah. Semen analysis sounds like a Michael Douglas movie from the 90s. Starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. I'm too scared to get the results. They're going to be like, oh, your jizz is fine, but you have AIDS.

I don't know. I just thought it would be a fun experience. I don't know why. I thought it would be funny. To jack off in a doctor's office? Yeah, and I went to the office. I got a ride there. I got dropped off. If I was going to the movies or some shit. And I did it. Did they give you a magazine or something? Yeah, so they put you in this room with a magazine. But you got your phone. They give you the code to the Wi-Fi too. But the magazine got me started. A magazine? And the magazines were from the 90s. God.

That was pretty hot. Damn, no asses. They had no Playboys. They had dirtier stuff than Playboys. You're like, under 18? What the hell is this? That's crazy. Yeah, and then I thought, I was like, man, once I got to the doctor, I was just kind of like, man, why did I do this? This is going to be kind of weird. What if I can't even...

Like get one out. I was actually it actually was way quicker than at home like the It's like a hot experience. I like this is fucking cool. Like yeah, that's kind of wrong. Yeah And then you're like, oh if I jerk off this quickly in public Public but in a new like I could jerk off another place totally. Yeah, the whole thing was like fun I don't know but yeah I gave him the cup and I had to walk by like the desk with the receptionist ladies and

I don't know. At first, it kind of felt weird. Even that felt like a flex. Like, check this out. I had no problem. It's a Coquito. That's what they call these in Puerto Rico. It's a small nut. Put a little garnish in it. Yeah, then I went back to the waiting room and they called me back and the doctor was like, look, there's four criteria that your semen has to meet for you to be able to have kids. And

And you're engaged. Then why is it on your lips? The guy was like, yours meets none of them. I was like, wait, what? And he was just like, yeah, like, or I met three of them, I think, out of four. It was like, my sperm is not shaped right. It's like very low count.

Like very few of it is even moving. Whoa. Yeah. And something else. I forgot what it was. They were like, I was like, wait, so can I not have kids? And he's like, I'm not going to say you can't have kids. I will say that there is a very, very like small, small chance, like close to none. He's like, but, you know, if you want to have kids, we can refer you to a specialist and you get started on that stuff. He's like, but we recommend you do that sooner than later. They're like, within a few years, you'll have no chance of having kids or even like fixing it.

Wow. I was like, holy shit. I was like, this day started off so funny. This is not funny anymore. Yeah. And you just jizzed too. Like what a weird shift. Went from like, hey, all right, to damn, that sucks. But I mean, it was whatever. It's not like I was like, yeah, I'm going to have kids one day and like a family anyway. So I was like, yeah, it's whatever. Yeah. But maybe, I wonder if something in you knew.

Like, I need to go get that because I've never had an urge to get my jizz checked. Yeah, like a primal level. Yeah. I think there was like a... No, I mean like to even have a kid earlier is what I meant. Oh, oh. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I think there was like a few scares that turned to nothing that maybe had like given me an idea. Like, what if I just can't have kids, you know? But I don't know. Going to that clinic was like, I don't know. I'm glad that I found out because look...

For being honest, I wasn't going to be pulling it out anyway. Yeah, that's true. You know? Now I'm just more comfortable with it. Right. I don't know. Sometimes the fear of giving somebody a baby, that's the hardest part. Yeah, good point. Good point. Maybe I'm just shaking the head. This could ruin my life. This is so hard. Or hers, you know? Or hers.

That's true. That is hot. Yeah. It's pretty hot. Yeah. Ruining lives, that's just hot all around. It's just the idea, but you don't actually do it. Yeah, the idea. Once you ruin it, it's not hot no more. No, no. Then you got to kill her. The risk. No, but that's fun. Maybe I'll get my jizz checked. You know, you want a jizz and stuff. We'll do an episode. Oh, Patreon. I'll give you my doctor's card. Please. Doctor. Now we're doing it here. Yeah.

Nice. Jamie, turn around. We might be infertile. They should make like a CVS test and maybe we could just put the strip in the cum. Wait five minutes. It's like COVID. Yeah. Like, fuck, I got two lines, dude. The hard part for me would be not to call it every other like jizz, cum, you know, spunk.

You gotta say semen. I never heard of spunk. That's a good word. I'm gonna steal that. Jizz. Jizz is a good one. Jizz is classic. Cum. What else is there? Splooge. Splooge. Baby batter. Nut. I like nut. Nut is good. Yeah. Nuts make the world go round. Oh, yeah. Just a squirrel chasing a nut. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that you brought your kid to this episode, man. He was a nut. That's my seed. Seed! Holy shit, I thought you were making a joke. There's a kid right there. I like how he's wearing his Beats by Dre. This would be an amazing Beats by Dre commercial. We're just like, nuts, splooges, and there's a kid right there. Shoulders, knees, and toes. The wheels on the bus go round and round. Yeah, yeah, I got to check my jizz out.

Maybe I'll do a 23andMe. You ever done that? I did one, yeah. Really? I was drunk in a bar and a girl was like, I'll do it for you. And she just sent me one and I did it. And it was like, yeah, it's nothing crazy. What, Ashkenazi? It's like everything I knew. Ashkenazi Jew. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Merry Christmas. How you doing? Oh, I'm fantastic. I've just been delivering...

presents all the good girls and boys and thought i'd come to visit you guys and say hi the jews get to celebrate christmas too oh yes wow no no presents nothing no presents though you get to watch us give presents yeah here you go you got one of these eight crappy gifts that equal one yeah there you go what are you on ozempic santa you look great oh yes santa's been a little more fit he's on the keto a little

Okay. Who invited Richard Dreyfuss? This is great. So how has everybody been? Great. Been a good boy. He's been jizzing in public.

That puts you on the naughty list. Nah, nah, nah. You already brought the toys. This is our ho, ho, ho. Break the toy in half and give it to her. Yeah, there you go.

Very good. Santa, any stops at Epstein's Island this year? How was it? Well, there was many children, but... Here we go. I decided to leave as quickly as possible. Good luck, Santa. I still saw your name on the list, though. How were those slay logs? Yeah, did you slay any puss? All right. Always with the puns. Even as a little kid, you were always good luck. Well, my dad hit me.

What do you got in the bag? Anything we can see? Well, yes. Do you guys like candy canes? We kicked at a gun. Oh, boy. We're jelly. We should have gotten a black Santa. Come on. Those are in right now. Although, he would have been late. These Santas are taking our job. Well, I have, let's see. Oh.

So funny. What are you, an out-of-work actor? How'd you get this gig? Oh, that's fun. Oh, yes. Whoa. What the fuck? How's that even possible?

It's called A Little Bit of Christmas Magic. Wow. If you wouldn't be jizzing in public so much, you'd know a little bit more about it. Holy shit. I want that toy. Yeah. Look at that. Oh, I see we're making it rain over here. Hell yeah. That was a real hundred. That was way more impressive than you think, Santa. Yeah, Matt, did you happen to invite Mrs. Claus with giant fake tits? She has regular fake tits. All right.

We got two right here if you need them. Are those really fake booze? Yeah. I'll grab that. Sorry, Santa. I've got my toy. Yeah, we got our sugar. Give J-Mo a candy cane. Something to suck on. Yeah.

What a special Christmas this is. Are you jealous of our people? I bet you wish you believed in Christ now. Instead of killing him. We did what we had to do. Yeah, you had one carpenter and we killed him. Now we call maintenance.

Yes, I have many, many children to visit and a lot of them on the good list this year. So I'm going to have to deliver some more presents. It was wonderful to see you. Oh, hey, is that it? Thank you. Someone plug in Kevin Spacey's GPS for him. See those little boys. You got the original sweatshop over there in the North Pole, huh? Yes, it's been very nice.

it's nice cheap labor yeah you just have to feed them some milk and cookies that i take from the houses that i come to so it's pretty quite easy a lot of people think that i eat them but now instead i bring them so i can get some food

You know, I just remember when I was a kid, I saw you fucking my mom. Yes, that was very nice. I thought it was my dad. Have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas. Thank you, Santa. Thank you, Chris Kringle. Thanks for hitting Mark as a kid. Made me a comedian.

All right. Well, that was cute. That was super wholesome. Minus all the Epstein stuff. Yeah, we dirtied it up. I forget that you're Jewish. What did I like around this time? What are you doing wearing this? I'm having fun. You're appropriating our culture now.

That's our thing, bro. Hey, I'm trying to stay incognito. These are tough times. That's true. I like how the only person he didn't address was the eight-year-old in the room. He's just like... Well, he's got to stay ten feet away. No, this time of year, I mean, Hanukkah, it's fun. Get the latkes. We got our fun shit going on. Look, it's your time of year. Hanukkah's a strong feature act.

Alright. Be real. Christmas is that. We're getting by, honey. Alright. In the middle. You throw a latke, I'm like, yeah, that's real fun. Have you not had a latke? What is that? Oh, the potato pancakes are great. Delicious. They look so good. Yeah? Are they? I don't know. Potato pancakes? Next time you're on, we're going to get some. Alright. They're not good? No, they're fucking delicious. They are? Throw a little sour cream on them? Yeah. Oh.

All right. They're fucking good. I'll bring tamales. There you go. I'm going to have backup on this soon. Trust me. All right. I love a potato pancake. Bring it on. I'd like to try it. Eight crazy nights. David Tell used to have a bit about how his family was the worst with Hanukkah. They would take one gift and stretch it over eight nights. They'd be like, all right, night one, a bike handlebars. All right.

I saw him last night at the cellar. It's always fun to see. I love his joke. So where in Texas are you? I'm like outside of Dallas. I don't want to say where exactly. Weirdos. But you're thinking of maybe moving here? Yeah. Right now I've just been spending like two weeks out of the month here. But once I get an apartment, then I'll be over here longer. Yeah. Why not L.A.? Can I ask? Yeah.

L.A.'s all right, but I mean, my main reason for moving here is just to keep doing stand-up in front of strangers. Hell yeah. Yeah. You need that. Yeah. I feel like my crowds are spoiling me a little bit. Mmm.

I get away with saying stuff that's not even that funny, but they know me to the point where like, I don't know. It's like doing comedy in front of your cousins. Yeah. You're a big fish and you want to go, maybe I'll be a smaller fish for a minute. Yeah. Well, I want to, I don't know. I don't want to say stuff that only my crowd thinks is funny. I'm not going to feel funny. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like making your friends laugh. Like, I want to make strangers laugh. And plus in New York, you know, you're like diverse crowds. Yeah.

maybe it's just feeding my ego but it feels good to make just some like

Swedish tourist laugh. Yeah. Or like a random Indian girl. You play enough of those crowds, you're like, don't any of you know the fucking language? Norway again. Yippee. I know, right? You're just going to make me super Republican. We did a show together last week and your crowd was there. It looked like a lot of your cousins out in the audience. And then a fist fight broke out. Yeah, after the show. What? Yeah. Some guy named Mohamed

I mean, I'm saying it like that because he wanted to make sure I said it like that. I was like, what's your name? He's like, Moe. I was like, all right. And he was just like, well, my name is Mohammed, but I don't want you to think anything about that. And he was just like, just make sure you say it right. Mohammed.

Yeah, and then afterwards, like, people were yelling at him. They were getting really mad at him. For the record, I don't, I'm not, like, on any side, Israel, Palestine, whatever. It just had nothing to do with that. No dog in the fight. Yeah. But,

But yeah, afterwards, people were like talking shit to him and he got one of the wine bottles on the side of the wall by the stairs. Oh, really? At the city winery. And he like smashed it on somebody's head. What? I didn't know about that. Yeah. Muhammad, you're a fucking asshole, bro. Damn. Yeah. Damn. But yeah, that's why I try to avoid like sharing a flyer too much sometimes when I am in town. I don't want it to just become like my fans. Sure. Yeah. Holy. I want other people's fans.

I want more people like that at the show. He seems cool. No, that's, I know what you mean. It's like, it is something like refreshing, especially with new material when it's not your people and you're like, oh, this is an accurate read. That joke fucking stinks. That's how you get to hear that. Oh, yeah. No, there's been so many times where I'm like, man, I think I got a new five and then I do it here and I'm like, no, I don't. It's just a five in front of my crowd. Right. Right.

Yeah, you've got to make strangers laugh. It's nothing like a hot weekend if you're like Madison Comedy on State and they're just too good. And you're like, I got a new 10 for sure. I got a new 40 seconds max. I got nothing. I know.

Yeah. Also, I mean, my crowds are mostly always Latino. But when I go from like Texas towards the east, like across the south, the Midwest, up to the East Coast, then they can get like different types of Latino. They're like Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, there'll be a few black people, a few white people, whatever. And I know I can get through a show with more of an accurate read. Also, I know I can get through like a full show where I don't want to do crowd work. Maybe I just want to do

do the jokes yeah but once I once like once I get to like Texas going towards the west it just becomes like all Mexican crowds and I am getting a little tired of like there's always there's always at least one person or 20 people in each show going fuck George Lopez and I'm like just let me do the jokes oh man cause you had a little thing with him yeah

But you guys are cool now, though. I guess. I don't know. I guess so. That's the problem with comedy now. Talk to him on the phone. Everybody wants the drama. You know, what's up with you? Who are you feuding with? Who is this? And they make YouTube videos about it, and it's annoying. Yeah. I just like, damn.

I was avoiding, like, I was doing my best to avoid getting compared to Lopez. Because I feel like that's like the, like, I don't know. Even when I was just open micing, people were like, yeah, you're going to be the next Lopez? Right. And I was like, I don't want to be the next Lopez. So you're starting a new show on TBS called Barbosa tonight. But yeah, I was just trying my best to avoid being compared to Lopez. But then Lopez brought up my name and now I have no choice.

Yeah, but that's toxic energy. It's like this isn't WWE. It's like we don't want to just like – Exactly. I'm not cutting a promo. I'm working on my act here, you know? Yeah. And then one time people talked about it. One time somebody yelled it at a show, and I was like, nah, it's cool. Me and Lopez are cool. He called and apologized. And then this one guy was like really mad. He's like, no, he didn't. He never apologized to you. I was like, all right, then he did. You're the one that brought it up, bro. What the fuck do you want me to do? Yeah.

I don't like when people don't believe something I say, like if I have a reason to lie. Sometimes... I honestly don't know what he did to you. What did he do? They brought me up on a podcast, and I wasn't even mad. All he did was just... They brought up my name so much in this podcast that he was just like, who the fuck is that guy? He's like, don't say his name on here. Fuck him.

which is like fine. Like that's his podcast equipment. You can say whatever you want. Like, yeah, I don't really care. Also wasn't like a big Lopez fan. I wasn't like, Oh fuck. Like, it's all right. You know, you say what you want, but yeah, Mexicans got real mad. And I, and I think a lot of the Mexican crowds that come out, uh,

I think I have tons of Mexican fans that just followed me because they followed me. But then I think there were so many people that found out who I was because of him and followed me because of him. And I think a lot of them, especially like the older ones, like in San Antonio had like a lot of the older Mexican guys.

And I feel like some of them are just there out of hate for George Lopez. Hey, fuck it. I'll take a fan. Sell us tickets. Yeah, whatever. But yeah, you can- Man, can some legend come out and say, fuck Sam Morrell, please? I want to bump. Mark will say it. Yeah, yeah. I don't remember the legend, but I'll say it. But wait, what was the phone call like? Was that awkward? Not really. I answered the phone.

And he was like, what? Yeah. No, he didn't say that. How did he get your number? Through this other dude named Edwin, who like he put together that like HBO Latino film festival stand up competition. It's a mouthful. I don't know. He puts he gets Latinos together. Yeah. And he was like, man, he wants to call you or whatever. I was like, yeah, give him my number. And he just called me. He was just like, hey, man, like it's George Lopez.

and I got a little star shook. I was like, what the fuck? He was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, listen, listen. And I was like, oh shit, my bad, man. When I said it again, I was like, what the fuck? And he was like, no, no, no, just listen, man. He's like, I want to apologize. I was like, you really don't have to apologize, man. You're like a veteran comic, like,

you don't owe me an apology. You're just shooting this shit on your podcast. Fuck it. And he was just like, nah, man, I got to apologize. Like, as a comic, as a man, like, you know, I didn't know who you were. Yeah, I was like, all right, man, I appreciate it. I was like, you really have to, but appreciate it. And he was like, now you got my number. You know, if you need help or anything, hit me up. So...

I don't know how many Mexican fans you have, but if you're out there, it's over. We got a couple. Yeah, we keep them in cages. I mean, I'm here, though. I love that you tell this nice, redeeming story, and then you're like, let me get my gingerbread outfit on. But yeah, that's nice, and he did it. I just think he can do whatever he wants on his pod. It's his pod, whatever. But it's a weird instinct to just be like, who's this young, new guy? Fuck him. That's a weird... Even if you think that, it's just weird to say it out loud. It makes you sound a little washed.

Yeah, and bitter. Yeah, it makes you sound like a little... A lot of people, well, I think on that same podcast, because he was basically like, yeah, nobody help me, so I don't help nobody, which I've heard is like his whole thing. But I don't think that's true. Not from, I mean, then again, it's just rumors I've heard. But didn't they say like Sandra Bullock helped him get his show? Oh, I don't know. Is that right? Blindside? Yeah, Blindside, Speed, Speed 2. Yes. I don't know what other movies she's made. The Net. The Net.

The Net. Bird Box. Bird Box. Miss Congeniality. That was first recently, though. Miss Congeniality.

She had a run. Yeah. I don't know. I heard rumors that she kind of helped him get his soul going. Really? Pull that up. That's interesting. Man, that's interesting, too. It's like, I don't know. Also, if someone didn't help you, you just go by the motto, I am not going to help anybody. Yeah. How about you go the other way? I've seen comics who have had easier roads than we have and doesn't influence how we treat them. Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, yeah, they're pictured together here. And I also think everyone's been helped. I think that's horseshit. Discovered there's no way. Yeah, you see? Look at that. You're going to tell me that's not help? Maybe she didn't help them. Maybe they made a deal. Maybe they were fucking. Maybe she was like, you do my landscaping for a year. You got a show, buddy. And then you know what I heard? I heard Carlos Mencia did her landscaping the next year. Crazy. I got you three. No, that's...

That's so fucking weird that he would say that about you. I knew there was a thing, but I didn't know what it was. But that's weird. Yeah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And if it got you a couple fans who hate Lopez, fuck it. Yeah.

Yeah, and you'll be nice to the next generation of comics, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or not. Or not. Maybe I'll be the next Lopez for real. Okay, no one help me. Lopez, shit on me. I'm going to shit on the next hot Latina comic. But shitting on you is actually better than giving you props, I think, because it gets more buzz. Oh, yeah. The whole reverse psychology. You tell somebody to throw out the trash, they're not going to do it. So maybe he did help you. Let's shit on some young guys. Maybe this is what he was doing. Maybe George Lopez is like...

like a real Mexican Jesus Christ, real Jesus there. Yeah. Just sacrificed himself for me. He Obi-Wan-ed you. He Obi-Wan-ed me. I like it. I just looked at him as he let himself get struck by that license. By Reddit commenters. All right. Well, there you go, Lopez. But yeah, it was all right. Who were some of the dudes when you were coming up that you were like, oh, that's one of my dudes? Has anyone reached out to you like that? Like any like other vets, the older guys?

that reached out to me that I was just like holy shit this guy reached out you did were you setting yourself up for props no I was telling I meant like Vance I meant like OG I meant like of that of that generation oh Burt Burt likes you yeah Burt is cool you know who's always like fucking super awesome to me is

Cool as hell. Let me open for him. Give me advice. It's Dan Soder. Oh, really? This is badass. Great guy. Great guy. Great comic. Big Jay. Let me play basketball at his place. Hey. Yeah. I heard Jay's not bad at hoops. He's not bad. I mean, not to be cocky, but I whooped everybody there. Are you good? I did all right. All right.

I haven't played in like a few months, but around that time, I was still playing pretty often. Yeah. Well, Big J, the chain wallet gets in the way. It's hard to play. Also, everybody who played was like smoking hella weed before the game. Oh, yeah. And I didn't. I was like, nah, I'm good. I want...

Everybody had like a height advantage. I was like, I'm not going to be high and short. Right. I was playing yesterday outdoors with my friend Dory and we're just like shooting around and these two dudes walked up to us with their girlfriends and they were like, you guys want to play? I'm like, fuck these guys. They profiled us. We fucking cooked. Yeah.

In front of their girlfriends. It was so satisfying. I had something similar like that happen, and I got fucking just whooped. Really? By some high schoolers. High schoolers, they're tough to beat. Yeah, they're so fast. Yeah. They were black. They cheated. It does suck, because we're playing rec centers on the road, and some of these kids can fucking hoop. Oh.

I think we played it actually in Dallas, and these kids were nasty. They were doing all the new moves, like some James Harden back stuff. I'm like, what is this? Carmen Lynch, everybody. Hey, happy holidays. New special on... Do you know Ralph? Yeah, I know you, but we don't know each other. New special on Mark's YouTube. That's right. It's cooking. It's called Queef...

Queef Week. Queef Week. That's right. Queef Week. I guess you were involved in the creative too. I didn't have help with that. No, he did not. That was all her. Believe it or not. But yeah, we did the live chat yesterday. That's fun.

They loved you when you jumped in. I know, sorry. It's got cracking. It took so long. He was puking all day. Yeah. I really went too hard the night before. We did protect our parks. Look at Ari. I took a shot of him. Oh, God. He's a 78-year-old man still going hard.

You gotta hand it to him. Why is it orange? I think we had barbecue. It's like Moses extended the desert. He couldn't make it through 12 steps. If I could have made it through that joke, it would have been funny. That was funny. Can I get another coquito? Do you want a cocktail or are you driving? No, I'd love a cocktail. Please. The special is over. Yes.

This is a big year for specials. You got a special. I got a special. Oh, thank you. You got one. We haven't even plugged you yet. Ralph's special on Netflix. Cowabunga. Two hilarious comics here, so definitely check them both out. Hell yeah. And this is a special Christmas episode. We already had Santa show up. You never know who's going to pop in. Oh, that's true. That's true. What's your special called? Cowabunga. Nice. Thank you. No queefs in it.

None that you can hear. All those jizz is poison, we found out. He's procreated, but he can't procreate anymore is what we found out. One and done. Why? Who told you? The doctor. And, you know, women. Yeah.

That's kind of a nice line, though, to have with a woman. You're like, I can't have babies, so I guess we don't have to wear a condom. Yeah. I've said it, and they're like, I'm going to buy a Plan B anyway. I'm like, I'm not going to pay for it. Yeah, what about you? I've done my part. Yeah, you're good. You went to the doctor. You got it checked out officially. Yeah. I just walk around with the paperwork.

There you go. Just show the girl right before you bang. Get it laminated, dude. Just throw it on the fucking bar table. It just says most likely not. With a 20 on it. Oh, you're infertile, right? You're dead inside. I mean, I don't

care about children it's like I'm infertile okay yeah I want a dog infertile in the mind yeah a comic with a dog can you pull that off no no I can't get one because my landlord won't allow it but and I don't want my boyfriend to have to take care of it but one day what kind of dog would you do I don't even know what they're called just something little and cute and playful something that doesn't shit too big thank you

Cheers. Hey. What is this? Comedy. Coquito. It's like an eggnoggy. I'm Puerto Rican. I don't know. Everyone's from different Spanish backgrounds. Oh, yeah. You got a Spanish background, right? I'm from Spain. Spain. That's the original Spanish.

Oh, shit. Yeah, Spaniard. Well, thank you. This is scary. This must be how black people feel about white people. You took us over. I know. Everyone says that, and then it gets so awkward. I want to apologize. Nah, it's okay. Can you do sets in Spanish? Can I do sets in Spanish? I've never tried it. What?

Try it right now. Nah, nah. Mexicans hate my Spanish. How the pollo crossed the road or whatever. Nah, dude. Mexicans judge your Spanish so hard. Oh, right, right. Everyone judges. I have a special coming out on Friday and they're going to rip me apart. It's in Spanish? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, the Spanish people...

Because I talk like an eight-year-old Spanish girl. I lived there until I was eight. It's going to be, they're going to rip me up. Here's what sucks, too, and I get jealous of it, is people whose first language is not Spanish, when they do comedy in Spanish, like, Spanish speakers love it. Like, Mexicans love to hear, like, Tom Segura in Spanish. They love it. Yeah. Yeah.

because they're being like vulnerable. But like if I speak Spanish and then I get words wrong, they're like, you fucking moron. You're supposed to know this shit. Like disappointed dads. Do you think it's because you're darker than Segura? Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's because I look like I should be able to and I don't. You know what I mean? It's like watching a seven foot two person miss a basket. What do you mean you can't dunk? You fucking idiot. Segura's playing with house money. Yeah. Smart. Thank you. That's the Spanish one. Give a listen to this.

- That's a literary-- - Sounds like you're mocking a Spaniard. - I know it does. I'm mocking my mother. - Oh, okay. -

It's funny because the facial expressions are still funny. There's things that still translate. Your Spanish is pretty good, though, because you're Spanish-Spanish, like Spaniard-Spanish. It's Spanish. It's the vocabulary that throws me off. I say the wrong thing every once in a while. Oh, okay, okay. And it comes out more sing-songy than my English comedy. My vocabulary and my accent, it's just like, I don't know.

I'll stop now. I've disappointed enough Mexicans for one day. I almost asked for more ice than I want to offend you guys. Get some ice in here. Well, that's nice. A couple of Spaniards. If I had to know one language, it would be Spanish.

Yeah? Because you guys are really taking over. If you had to. Yeah, we are. Yeah. Nice. You're coming in. I mean, give it a go. It comes in handy in New York. Yeah. I mean, what am I, Italian? No one uses that. Chinese were coming handy. I want to know what they're saying about me in those restaurants. Oh, yeah. Good point. Yeah. They're mean. They're mean. The meaner a Chinese server is, the better the food is going to be. It's a good point. Chinese could be big, though. I mean, I feel like if you're touring, you're looking at, now I'm getting agency on you.

You hit Shanghai, you're making some fucking money. That's true. That's true. Yeah, there's a million of them. Yeah. Or more than that. Japanese. I want to learn Japanese. They got cool cars. They got, like, arcades. Everything's cute. Yeah. Hello Kitty. I get intimidated easy. I don't get intimidated by Japanese stuff, you know? Nah. That's so hard to learn, though. That would take so long. But they blur their porn.

What? Yeah. What? Bring it up. Pull it up. What is the point of the porn if you want to blur it? They're repressed people. Keep the kid on the other side of the TV for this. I've never been more angry at America until I found out. I feel like that's our fault. No, we don't blur it. But we nuke them and we just traumatize them and now they're blurring porn. We've roasted all their genitals. This clip right here is where Matt loses custody in a divorce. Roll the clip where he's searching Japanese penises. Ha ha ha.

His wife's like, I'll take full custody. Yeah. Japan. I mean, Kyoto is supposed to be beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Bukkake. It's a beautiful nation. That's supposed to be like, that's where like the billionaires, like that's where like Steve Jobs would go on vacation is like Kyoto. Oh, come on. Kyoto is where you see like the real geishas. Really? Yeah. Whoa.

The old timey, like, call girls. I went to China. I know it's not Japan, but I went to China and we had a tour guide. And he was like a fat, ugly guy with like a Wolverine T-shirt and long stringy hair. And I go, what guy are you here? He's like, the pussy. Like, he just came out with it. He's like, I can't get laid in America, so I moved here. And I was like, all right, I respect the honesty. That is fucking weird. But he's like, I clean up because I'm a... Because he's different. Yeah, I'm a 5'11 white guy.

Just being different will get you laid. Oh, yeah. It's like being black here. Dick's a little bigger. You know, you feel taller. You can dance a little. It's a whole different world. But that's true for comedy, too, don't you think? If you, like, moved to New Zealand, you'd be huge. Well, you guys are huge. No, that's true. Arj Barker. Yeah. Proof of that. Arj Barker? Who's that? Oh.

Oh, he was huge when I was a kid. He was big in Australia before, I feel like, the internet. Yeah. I feel like now a lot of comics can sell tickets overseas just because of YouTube. But there was a time when, you know...

You had to kind of go there and build an audience. And he was one of the early guys, right? Yeah. You knew him a little bit, didn't you? A little. They played Comedy Central over there. And for some reason, his just caught. You know, sometimes you do really good. Like Drew Carey apparently was huge in Japan as well. I want to build a fan base like in Japan or like China.

But like, I don't know. I don't know. Even if it was just like 50 people and just film like a special with an all Japanese audience. That'd be cool. Or I'm just like... If I was your age and I'd advise you against this being your next special. I'm going to go for it. No. But I just think it'd be hilarious just to see me be like... And then my grandma was like, and a bunch of Japanese people would be like... Well, Japanese and Mexican, I think there's a lot of similarities. You like rice.

It's true, we do like rice. That's about it. That was like the classic Norman setup, but it just ran out of steam. Tiny penis. I always felt like we went along good. Like we could relate to Irish people. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I saw, I was watching some movie.

I forgot what movie it was. I just remember the guy saying, like, I'm Irish. Like, we don't go to therapy. We drink or something. And then what was it on Good Will Hunting when they're like, I heard you got an Irish curse? Oh, yeah. Every time they describe Irish people, I'm relating so hard. Yeah, I don't think Mexicans, you're not big into therapy. That's not part of the culture. I don't know. You drink. You don't tell your son you love him. And, you know, you drink some more. There you go. Go to work.

That's just a New York thing, I think. What, therapy? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I feel like Woody Allen really pushed... And then it turned out he was the most fucked up of all. Also, therapists are the most crazy... I mean, I've done it a lot, but I've also realized most of the craziest people in my life are therapists. Yeah. Yeah, I have a fucking...

There's a completely insane person I know that is a therapist. Really? Another one. I got attacked by a therapist in Vermont. He broke a fucking pint glass over my head and got arrested. He's not going to be practicing for the next few years. What the fuck did you tell him? I thought it was confidential. Well, I didn't say anything that bad, but what happened was... I was trying to do this bit about how Mexicans and Japanese people are alike. And it just didn't go over. No, I...

We just kind of exchanged a few words. It was nothing that bad, but he was in a blackout and he went for, he actually went for a cop's gun. What? He was hoping for suicide by cop. He was going through an ugly divorce and he blacked out and it was like, you know. He should talk to a therapist. Yeah, right? That's the best kind of therapist. What would you learn from like a normal person? You need a really fucked up person to learn. I guess so. Take it from me. Yeah. He tried to commit suicide by cop. Yeah.

But it's like how a lot of cops are actually corrupt. They're actually criminals themselves. They go together. It's a yin and a yang. So most therapists are helping you with your fucked up mental shit. What are you looking for in therapy when you guys go?

A little clarity. This is because of this. That's why you do that. It helps you realize why you do things and why you are the way you are. Breaking bad patterns. You want to break bad patterns? That's where you go. I think that's a lot of it. Just crying. Making sense. It's so crying. Oh, yeah. For 15 years. Do you see Alan? I see his wife. Oh, Beth.

There's a comedian therapist in New York, Ralph. Do you see Alan? There's a comedian therapist. There's a comedian therapist specifically for comics? It's like the comedy show. You need two recs. Actually, my boyfriend sees Alan, and then one day I was like, damn it, I can't see him. Because, you know, you can't really share.

Oh, really? A therapist as a couple. It's not a good idea. Oh, but it's not illegal, but it's frowned upon type thing. Well, yeah, because they're kind of biased. They want to stay on one side. It worked out for Tony Soprano and Gloria Trillo, right? Yeah. One of you is going to kill yourself, you know? Yeah. Well, I like his wife. She's in the family, so she's good. Oh, okay. There you go. Yeah, I know therapists, a lot of them have therapists.

which feels weird. Yeah. It feels like an anxiety dog with an anxiety dog. Yeah, but they practice what they preach, at least. It's like, okay, well, I at least believe in this. True, true, true. I've never gone to a therapist, and honestly, like, I'm trying to see how long I can go without going to one. Ha ha ha.

Well, we'll see when that school gets shut up. You think I'd go for a school? Come on. You're right. What, a bank maybe? You seem pretty stable, though. Yeah, you are put together. Nah. You don't show it. I will wait till I'm at the hotel, and then I'll eat so many mushrooms. Really? And destroy a hotel room and cause so much noise that I'll almost just cause a TMZ scandal. Yeah.

But we could have been hanging out years ago. I haven't yet. Okay, I didn't know this side of you. Yeah, I try to hide it.

That's why I didn't really want to do too much on, like, Bert's thing. Yeah, yeah. But then, like, the one night I finally did mushrooms, I did what I always do on mushrooms. I just keep eating more and more. And it was still fun, though. I had a good time. Made a few racist jokes. And, yeah, it was all right, you know? Yeah, boy, we're one and the same. Yeah. But, no, yeah, there's times where I'm just like, I'll go too far. Especially if I, like, drink and get some mushrooms.

You guys asked me to bring like two recommendations. Bring us a rack. Yeah, hit us with one. Yeah. Honestly, that's the two things I could recommend the most. Mushrooms and racist jokes? I guess that too. I was going to say mushrooms and beer. Oh, yeah. That's nice. I've never had a bad night on mushrooms and beer. What's your beer? I think Modelo's. Maybe Budweiser.

I like Budweiser's a lot. The heavy? Not the light. You like the Negro Modelo? Yeah, I like that one too. I like the light ones. I like Miller Lights. Yeah, Pilsner. It's hard to find the beer I don't like. I like PBR's a lot. Yeah, I don't think I've ever had a beer I just didn't like.

Maybe Bud Light. I don't really like Bud Light too much. Okay. What about Guinness? I like Guinness. I like Guinness. You only have three of them. Yeah. But I like them. The first time I had a Guinness was here in New York. I didn't even really become a drinker until I started hanging out in New York. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. My friend who started doing comedy with me in Dallas, he moved out here really early on. And so I'd come and crash on his couch every now and then just to hit mics or whatever and find out what I'm into out here.

His roommate ended up being unemployed. His roommate worked for the Dr. Oz show for a while. It was my buddy Jake. Oh, yeah? Shout out to Jake. But then that show, you know, went... And my buddy Jake... Did it go off the air because he ran for office? Is that why? I don't know. I never really asked. Maybe. But, yeah, my buddy was just free all day while my actual friend, Fernando, would be at work all day. So me and Jake would just hang out, do mics, go showcases. And then that dude would just hang out at bars all night.

And so I couldn't go home. I didn't have a key to their apartment. So I couldn't go home until Jake went home. So I just hang out with him. It's like I said in that one joke, like you're not going to be at the bar and not drink. Right. And I just, you know, became like a drinker. There you go. It was nice. Good to have you. Fell in love with dive bars. Oh, I love a dive. There's something kind of special about a dive. Right.

It's the best. I go on the road and they're like, where do you want to go after? Or there's this great nightclub or this place is like the hot spot. I'm like, fuck a hot spot. Any bar where you can't have a conversation sucks. I mean, it's like all we have is our personalities. That's why I always hated those festival parties where it'd be like, it's all comedians and it'd be like, eh, eh, eh. I know. Just like techno and you're like. I like that after a certain point. Once I'm a certain amount of drunk, I don't want to talk anymore.

Yeah, me and that guy, huh? Sal, because your kid's an EDM kid? Especially once I'm hallucinating. We were in Austin a while back, and that was my first time trying Molly. Ooh, baby. I was a little drunk. I had some Molly, I had some mushrooms, and I had these fucking lasers and shit. It was pretty cool. Yeah.

Yeah, Molly is great. It just got a little weird because there's like these hot chicks, right? I wanted two drugs. We're such a bad influence. I don't do drugs. You don't? You've never done Molly or acid or anything? None of that stuff. I do the most old man drugs. I do muscle relaxers. Advil?

I want to try those. That feels great. I do. That's where I'm like, all right, I'll be on a flight. Muscle relaxer. Whiskey. That sounds nice. That sounds badass. I like that. I love whiskey. These psychedelics that help you figure shit out. Those are supposed to be really good. I mean, you can, but I don't like. That's not what I like to use it for. No, it's just fun. Yeah. Sometimes people are like, do you feel more in tune with living organisms? No.

No, he just hallucinated like crazy. Yeah. I just laughed a lot. Exactly. Like Rick and Morty or something dumb. You never did drugs? No, just ayahuasca. That's it. Whoa. Just ayahuasca? Sorry, Leonard Cohn. I know, right? What is that like? I mean, I told Ari I'd do his pot. We'd talk about it next week, but I went to Peru by myself like a month ago, two months ago.

And just went for it. Went to the Amazon by myself. Whoa. Holy shit. And did ayahuasca. And now I want to go backwards and do like the lighter ones, like shrooms and all that. Wait, wait, wait. But I've never done. What is ayahuasca exactly? I've never even heard of this. Sounds like Ralph's uncle. It's a vine that's mixed with different trees. I mean, someone else will tell you better, but it's basically a mixture from the Amazon jungle and you drink it and you see a lot of shit. What'd you see?

A lot of shit. Come on, elaborate. No, no, no. You're going to save it for Artie's? No, no, you're not even really supposed to share it. It's one of those, like, you work shit out kind of stuff. Do you work it out? Is it worked out? Chris rocks that he became religious after ayahuasca. That was Neil Brennan. Oh, sorry, Neil Brennan. Sorry.

There's stuff that you see. I mean, you definitely wrestle with the devil, with the demons inside of you. That sounds like not a fun experience. But you come out of it on the other side. I went on a date with a girl once who said, it's 10 years of therapy in one day. I'm like, that's too much therapy. Yeah. Yeah, but after four hours, it's over. That's pretty nice, I guess. It's not like you don't have a hangover. Did you puke? Oh, yeah. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. Nice.

From all ends. Oh, you do. Puking is from all ends. You had diarrhea too? Have you done it? No, but I... The person that I know that did it did it the same way as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta go all into the jungle and do it. Yeah, you don't go to... You just feel like super cleansed after that? You just let it all out? Yeah. And it's... I don't think it takes one ceremony to figure it out. Oh, no. That's how they get you. It's a pyramid scheme. Gotta keep going back. So I need to go to

I got more shit to figure out. Damn, everybody who I've heard does it loves it. Yeah, Matt Ruby does it, right? He's done it like five times. I mean, you love it after you do it. You don't love it during...

Yeah.

You get the point. It's an all-around better way for dealing with the stressors of life. Mark, you love this stuff. Oh yeah, something nice. I got an oral fixation. It's nice to just suck on this puppy. It tastes good. We got a lot of good flavors. I like it. It's smooth. It's waxy. It's a beauty. Hell of a mouthpiece. It takes the original and levels it up with a premium walnut barrel and a smooth coating on that onyx black mouthpiece.

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Hey, sit down. We got you the bitch chair there. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Hi. Another very funny comedian with a new special, Louis Katz. Hey, what's up? And I need some backup. They were trashing latkes, Louis, so... I...

They are just above a hash brown sometimes when they're poorly done, but when they're done right, there we go. That makes them sound more delicious, just above a hash brown. I love a hash brown. Better than a hash brown. Better than a hash brown. They're better than a hash brown. Hell yeah, I'm going to try that. A little egg in there. It makes it light. Ooh, baby. Yeah. All right, we got to get back to Christmas. We just lost all our listeners. Palestinian fans, check down. You want a drink?

Oh, sure. What do you got? Cookie dough? Cookie dough? To drink? He whited it up. I'll make it for you and you'll figure it out. All right. It's like a Puerto Rican eggnog.

Okay. I've never even had regular eggnog. I don't know. It's a sex move. Yeah. I gave her a Puerto Rican eggnog. I always end up quoting Dave Attell's eggnog bit, which he just calls elf cum. Yeah. Why pour it in glass? Just pour it on my back and call it a night, I think is the tag. Yeah. Love it. Do you guys know each other? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He actually did a guest set for Attell in Dallas. I saw him right away. I was like, you know, usually you see everyone's kind of good these days, but no one's that good. I saw him. I was like,

Blown away first time I saw him. Really and I went up to him and I was like gushing. It was kind of embarrassing how much I liked him. This is the dude that got me into the cellar. Yeah. Whoa. Oh my God. Look at this. Yeah. My only, by the one person I recommended, I'm like this isn't even a risk. He should be at the cellar and that was easy, you know? Man, they asked me. I was like don't bring him in. I've wrecked a few people at the cellar. There was one comic I was like a little nervous about and I remember-

texting Michael Che. I'm like, can you wreck this guy? Your buddy's with him. And he did. And the guy didn't get past. I was like, thank God. That's on Che. That's on Che. I mean, really, you're lucky you got in with my recommendation. Now I need you to recommend me to the seller is really the truth. It's so scary to recommend someone to the seller unless they're like, you know, the perfect person. I still regret Matt Rife. Just kidding.

I think he's in. Is he? Mm-hmm. I'm sure he could do a set there. He did a set there last week. Yeah.

I'm sure he did. With Kevin Hart. Ooh. Yeah. Wow. How was that? I wasn't there. I can't wait to see your guys' – This is it. We might be drunk the movie. It's actually – you're joking, but we're working on it. Really? Yeah, we are working on the movie. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, go ahead. Well, I did a set with Chappelle at the stand and Rock and Kevin Hart, and they're all in the green room, and it was a real love fest. Yeah.

So they really do have this, you know... Lift each other up thing. Yeah, yeah. I just did the Night of Too Many Stars thing. I was a late add, as I said earlier, but, like, Rock is so nice. He's a great guy. He's such a nice guy, you know? It's cool that he's, like, one of the best ever, but he's also, like...

He's in he's what every time he speaks you're like I got a reevaluate my whole fucking life. Yes Yeah, like a few years ago. He did an interview like when it's one of his special command I'm like this interview could be a whole nother special like it's all funny It's all like crazy like dropping knowledge. It was it was it was amazing my favorite Chris Rock quote I don't remember where I saw this I might be making it up to make myself feel better about my decisions and

But I'm pretty sure I saw him say this where he said that if like at my funeral people are talking more about how great I was at stand-up than how good I was as a father. He's like, then I really failed.

And so ever since then, I'm like, all right, let me make more decisions about my son. Yeah. Stand up, you know? Yeah. And that's when your act took a dive. I thought you were going to say, he said, if they're talking more about that, I'm better as a stand up than I am as an actor. I'm like, that's that is going to happen. That is what's going to happen. Yeah. Not a great actor.

Did you see that movie, Top 5? He's good in some movies. I haven't seen that one. I've heard that's great. I love that part where he sees DMX and DMX is trying to sing. It's a great scene. And he hits him. He's just like, oh, shit, I should stick to what I know. That's a great scene. And the Seinfeld and the strip club scene. Holy shit. Oh, I forgot about that. That's a great scene. Damn, I gotta see that. Rocket, you know, it's a pretty good movie. He's really good in this movie called Nurse Betty. Remember that one? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Like Renee Zellweger? It's like a drama, like a serious drama, right? Yeah, it's a dark comedy. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe, that's totally off. Yeah, that guy Neil O'Connor made it. It was good. Huh. You saw that, Sal. Which one is it? Nurse Betty? No, I never saw it. Oh, you're like the film guy here. Yeah. He was also the president in something with Bernie Mac. Yeah, that was fun. Played a president. Yeah, that one was tight. I liked that one. Yeah, Bernie Mac was the film guy. Oh, the best. That was good. Bernie Mac and that movie, uh...

What is it called? Life? No, Soul Brothers. Oh, with Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah. Soul Men. Soul Men. Soul Men. I liked anything Bernie Mac did. I liked the baseball one he did. I liked Mr. 3000, dude. Oh, wow. Nobody saw that. Oh, I just liked watching him, you know? Yeah, he's really funny. I loved the Bernie Mac show. I just enjoyed him. Yeah. Whatever happened to him? Bernie Mac. All right.

so many comics just died you ever seen that movie Life love Life when he comes out he's all with the fucked up eyes like I'm the pepe yeah that was fucking great great movie

You know what Rock one is kind of underrated is I Think I Love My Wife. Yeah. I thought that was actually, you didn't like it? Yeah, it was good. No, I liked it. It's okay. All right. All right, thank you. It's like a remake of a Euro movie. I thought it was good. Yeah, yeah. Buscemi got shot in the face. No, it's a callback. We were talking Buscemi earlier. He's the friend. Oh, yeah. He's the funny friend. Then he was in Rain On Me. Oh, no, that was Cheetle. Yeah. With Adam Sandler. Wow. Sorry. Sorry.

No, but everything, Rock speaks in like, he has these like philosophies where you're like, damn, this dude's fucking, you just shut the fuck up. And I'm like, let this guy just talk. Oh, yeah. Because he's going to say shit that you're like, huh. Well, there's black people. Anytime I'm around any like veteran comics that I really like, I try my best not to talk.

Just listen. I feel like if I just listen, I'll find out things that I've always been curious about anyway. Yeah, that's how I met Cusby. There's also that thing where it kind of sucks. You have to kind of play it cool whenever you're in those situations, so you can't really enjoy it. You want to really be like, this is awesome. You want to freak out, and you've got to be like, hey, what's up? Just act normal, and it's not normal. You've got to wear gingerbread man suits. Yeah.

That was like that night at the cellar when they all came in at once. Do you remember? And it made it in the paper. Oh, yeah. It was like, it was Amy, Aziz, Chappelle, Rock, Rock, Seinfeld. And I was just me sitting at the table with Keith Robinson. And I think that's when he was, wasn't Jerry like, I like that a little bit. And Attell was like, did you? Yeah.

Was it clean enough? There's a great scene in Comedians in Cars with Zach Galifianakis. And he's like, oh, man, a tell. He's like the best comic ever. And Simon's like, yeah. And he goes, well, you don't like a tell? And he goes, he was mean to me once. And they kept it in, I got to say. That's great. Yeah, he kept it in. I find that show to have not enough dirt and too much...

Cutaways of coffee machines and that's that's that's way better. I wish I'd be for yourself those coffee machine Beans did

Yeah, right? No, that's crazy. He kept that in. I didn't know that. He kept a lot in. He kept when he trashed Bobcat Goldwaite. Oh, yeah. He did that on purpose. Yeah. I mean, he wanted him to know. That was uncomfortable. Bob is like the nicest dude, too. Yeah, yeah. It was a weird, I guess they just have a history. Well, he goes at them pretty hard. Have you listened to the rant? It's pretty wild. Isn't it kind of like an alt comic versus club comic kind of thing? Like he thinks he's all weird and I'm just doing real comedy. Real comedy as he puts it.

Right, right. He's like, you got to light the Tonight Show couch on fire. I'm doing jokes over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got to do a voice. So, you know, about to get into it.

i like the one he when he uh that clip that goes around about it with uh norm doing the cosby joke which is like i love that he kept that in too that's such a great joke great joke great joke oh man what is it patton oswald said uh the hypocrisies would bother me the most he's his clean comic you know and norm goes i think the the rapes now do you think uh cosby's legacy will be hurt

Yeah.

That's just so, I mean, it's just so Norm. It's like... He was so good at cutting right to the real shit. I just rewatched his last special, and... The one... The one... No, no, no. Hitler's Dog? Hitler's Dog. Okay, all right. The last live one, but...

The bit he does about sarcasm, about how you can just reply... You can give the truth, but sarcastically, like, yes, yes, honey, I want to fuck your sister. You got me. And I want to murder you. Yes. And he just keeps going for, like, three minutes. The fact that he extends it for three minutes. Yeah, that's what he did. It's so great. And, like, I was...

I recently, I tried to submit a tape for The Tonight Show recently, and they said I was too grumpy and negative. And I was like, well, you know, I was thinking about one of my favorite late night appearances I've seen recently. It's got to be Burr or Norm. I'm like, oh, those were all on Conan.

And that's another big loss to the comedy community is how Conan would have stuff like that on, even though that's not his style, but he still had it on. Yes, because it was funny. Yeah, yes. But the Tonight Show, but every comic is grumpy and negative. That's what I'm saying. That's what comedy is. I'm like, if you want me to be clean, then I got to be grumpy and negative. I'm either dirty or I'm grumpy and negative. That's it. Great point. Yeah, Conan also is...

I mean, of our generation, maybe the greatest straight man ever. I mean, the way he would react to Burr, the way he would react to Norm, it was like... Yeah, he set him up. Yeah, he let him do their strengths. He would act outraged, and it made it funnier. He'd be like, well, that's not okay. It was just, he's Burr. It was perfect.

He just, Conan just understands comedy on such a great level. I mean, I love, this is a great one. Have you seen this? Who's that? Oh, Jim Downey. Jim Downey. And I feel entirely unapologetic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Wait, are we going to watch this whole thing? No, no, no. There's a clip. I know the clip you're going for. The Epstein clip. Yeah, I think that's it.

No, this is like a 30-minute thing. It's him on... Salacus, you're slipping behind those keys, my friend. And as a father. What's his name? Huh? What's his name? Matt. Matt. You're doing great, Matt. Yeah, there you go. Now pull back here. Jeff Epstein, the New York...

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Much has been said, much has been said about Jeffrey Epstein. Terrible things have been said. I'm talking about Jeff Epstein, the New York financier. We're talking about the same Jeff Epstein. No. Yes. No. What? I never heard. Oh, it was a big story in the news. Huge. No. Yes, for you to say no one ever said. Jeff Epstein. Yes. Jeff Epstein. Yes, the financier. With the island. Yes, yes.

Yes, he had an island that I've never been to. Yeah. I'm pretty sure, with respect, if there was some news about Jeff Epstein, I would have heard. No, I don't know.

It keeps going. That's great. I mean, dude. That guy, Jim Downey, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I heard once. I was on the road with Sandler, and all those SNL guys were talking. They were like, that was the guy you wanted to impress on SNL. I think he's a legend. Yeah, he was on the 20 years. He's behind all the really great stuff. I have to watch this one. I haven't seen it. I've got to watch that, too. Yeah. Yeah. Carmen? I want Conan on here. Oh.

I love Conan. He's so friendly. I didn't Conan. Yeah, he comes right to the green room.

Most of them. Yeah. You did Letterman. I did Letterman twice. Twice. So cool. You're that old? Doesn't that make me sound so old? I know. It totally does. That's great. But right at the end. Pull it up. There's that thing about doing something right before they cancel the show and then it immediately becomes a dated credit. Oh my God. Yeah, you can't use it anymore. Yeah, yeah. Brutal. Yeah, I remember Letterman gave you the hand kiss, right? I was like, she's fucking in. The hand kiss. And then the second one, I was like, is he going to kiss it? Yeah.

And he kissed it. You need another drink there, sloppy jalopy? Are you alright? I'm good. Alright. I'm gonna die in his arms, because I think that would be romantic. We're not together anymore. So now it's just gonna be awkward. Ha!

That was the best. Best audience was Letterman. Oh, I know. Their audiences were the best. And this is when you're young and castable. Come on! What about now? You did. Have you done Late Night? I did Tonight Show. It went viral. I wanted to do Conan when I first started doing comedy. And I like my...

into comedy, he was like, nah, I'm going to retire. Brutal. That was the best one. You flew out to LA, they put you in that Hilton. That was nice. And you could curse. Yeah. The only note they ever gave me was, I had a joke where I wished cancer on someone. They're like, you can't. You can't wish cancer? On his national audience. I was like, that's a fair note. Yeah. That's very reasonable. You can't get away with anything on that. Yeah, I had a joke about me getting raped and they were like, nah,

But I'm like, it's me, though. I can read. I can't do it. Conan was the best. That was the best one to do. Definitely. What's the platform now? Seriously, like, there isn't a lot of... Because we don't even know. It's all in flux right now also, right? They're moving things around or... Yeah, well, I think it's just you get like a big TikTok or a big Instagram clip or YouTube clip. That's now it. I mean, it's the same with comedy movies. Like, no one watches those. They just go watch TikTok for two hours. They're going to watch ours. You got that right. Yeah.

When does it come out? We haven't sold it yet. Two, three years. We're going to sell it. Is it written in a way that you could shoot yourselves if you wanted to? No. We're shooting for a budget here. All right. Okay. Okay. We cannot sell it. Do you know the name of the movie or are you afraid somebody will steal the name? Don't say it. Someone will steal it. It's called Epstein's Island. By the way, you guys are huge in Spain. I just went to Spain. Yes. And everyone's like,

Oh, wow. All right. That's awesome. Yeah. The only reason we had you on is to get the Spain fans. And the seller is like, we love. Oh, yeah. I want to go to Mexico. I'm trying to.

What? Nothing yet. It's tough because it's like at first you don't make the money or like it's a lot of money. I mean, it's cool to travel, but you're also like there's value in waiting until you can actually sell some tickets over there, you know? Because I just did Australia for the first time and we got offers like you went years ago. Yeah, but for the festival. Yeah. This was different. I want to go to different European countries just to see if I can get the laughs like

I'm not too worried about the money, but I want to make sure I can go and like be funny over there It's different. I don't I mean like I've only done Like continental Europe. I haven't done anywhere with the English is their first language and you know Because Europeans move all over because the European Union the you know common language is English But I think there's like fluent English and then I think there's comedy English Yeah, and they just don't get every joke. So every European tour I done is like I

It's just a process of slowly dumbing down my act. So it's the most basic jokes. And then I'm just kind of bored. Now, I mean, I'm not doing, you're doing it in the native language, I think is probably awesome. Like it's totally, totally different thing. When I do English jokes in Europe, same thing. They're expats and they get it or they're first generation and you're like, have to speak a little slower. Yeah.

You kind of have to, you know, figure it out as you go. You got to change your references. Don't say Target, say their grocery or whatever. Especially doing like Latino and Spanish too. Like they don't use the same words. Oh yeah. You know? And then the other, I mean the best English there is, is in all the Scandinavian countries. So they get it more, but they don't feel emotions. Yeah. So they don't laugh at things. And then that's not fun either. You know? Yeah. I like Scandinavians. Yeah. Yeah.

They're the happiest. I did our Amsterdam. And they're good, but it's a lot of clapping more than laughing. And I'm not going to say who, but they had two huge comics who we all respect before me, and both of them snapped on the audience. Really? And guys, you're like, that guy snapped? Michael Richards snapped? It's not like him. But yeah, that was a shocker. That was, yeah, I remember I used to watch all those David Tell Insomniac apps, and that was like the one where he's like, I'm bombing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Damn. Well, you know the thing is I think they're like, they're permissive about sex because they think it's not a big deal. So if you try and do these sex jokes, they're like, we do not care. I can do their accent. I'm doing like a French one. But, you know, can someone else do the accent for me? It's not shocking to them. Yeah, it's not even interesting. It's just sex. Like, whatever. We all do it. We all fuck hookers. Who cares? That's why I went straight Holocaust. Yeah.

That's still shocking. You're like, ooh. And Frank. I was here. I was over there. Just spent like a month there. Do comedy for like the last two weeks. They're like, get assimilated first. Ha ha ha.

I mean, that fucking bunch of hookers. Go to Edinburgh. You'll get a simulator. Yeah, get to Edinburgh. I'm going to try to go there, yeah. Yeah. Are you going to do that? Yeah, I hope so. Full month? I don't know if I have the balls for that. Two weeks at least. Two weeks I would do. Do the month. It's fun. Two weeks? You can do two weeks. You did a month? I did a month. Yeah, it was great. You liked it? Yeah, I know. It was fun. And it's packed. People go to shows all the time. They're wasted. You learn a lot about your... It's like comedy camp.

Really? Yeah. Maybe I'll do the month. You're in a place now where you could probably also just do a tour for that many days in a row. That's what I'm saying. What if I have people come out for the tour but then I'm not funny to them? I don't want people to waste money just for a mediocre show.

Yeah. You'll be funny. What do you mean you're funny? You have a fan base. They're going to come to see you. I don't know if I have one in Scotland. You have a huge fan base in Scotland. Yeah, I'm sure. Come back from Scotland. Scotland and Mexicans have a lot in common.

The rice. Not to disrespect my own people, but I'm going to be really pissed off if I go to Scotland and it's an all-Mexican crowd. I'm like, God damn it. I can't get away from you people. And you guys dig tunnels.

You got to build a wall. Sorry. Well, let me just ask this. Is there, because you're a, I don't want to say a niche, but you're a Mexican comic. I mean, you're a comic, but you are Mexican. Excuse the words. Do you, is there perks to that where you're like, hey, I got a little novelty here. I'm a little different. Or is it like, I'd rather just be, just let me be me. What do you mean? Like, who am I different from?

Well, I mean, you have Mexican fans. They go, he's Mexican. He's funny. I like this guy. Yeah, I got Mexican fans. I don't know if I have Mexican fans. You got a few. Oh, really? Yeah, you do. Really? I'm just going to say that, but I think you do. Well, I think... Oh, Choppa was a big fan of yours. Out of comics that I've taken pictures with or whatever, or come out on shows with, or when I got to open for you, I think...

you're the comic that Mexicans bring up the most often. Like, yes, I work with that guy. Oh, wow. That's nice. Well, like, I know a guy who's Indian. He's a friend of mine. He's a comic. And he's always like, ah, it sucks being an Indian comic because I'm like the Indian guy. I want to just be a comic. But then also, there's people who are like, hey, this is great. I get like the Indian fans. It's,

But it's the writing. I mean, your jokes are just solid jokes. I think it's a real universal nature to the way you write jokes. Same with Shane Wayne. Like, Shane, sure, he gets the advantage of having all these Asian fans, especially because he came up under Ali. But he also is big in the Midwest because he's clean and doing observational stuff. It's weird. When I go to the Midwest, my crowds are a little more diverse. Yeah. It's probably just a more diverse.

It's just more white people in that area probably. Yeah, that too. I'm just glad that the seats are at least filling up with somebody. Yes, of course. Yeah. But like what I was saying earlier, when I get the older Mexican crowds, I think they're the ones that are expecting me to maybe do like a more George Lopez-y. Right. Like Paul, what is his name? Paul Rodriguez type. Yeah. You know us Mexicans. Yes. And then you can see it during the show where they're just like, what's this guy talking about? Yeah. Yeah.

Dogs. They want you to start every joke with, I'm Mexican. Yeah. But when they're closer to my age, then it's a little better, you know? Yeah. I feel like I'm still doing...

that most Latinos can relate to without having to say, like, yo, first of all, I'm Latino. Yeah, yeah, right. That's also, like, I love Felipe Esparza, but in the beginning, it was more universal jokes, and I think as he got a Latino fan base, he's doing more... He knows his fan base is Latino when he directs the comedy towards that more, so I kind of miss the old Felipe, although I still think he's hilarious. He's a great joke writer. Yeah, he's so funny. One of my favorite Felipe jokes is where he says that...

he has two kids and he had his first kid when he was a teenager when he was in high school he's like i still remember when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant he was like it was wednesday pizza day

He's like, she came to my table. She's like, Felipe, I'm pregnant. He's like, I got my tray. I moved to another table. That's one of those jokes that I feel like can relate to Latinos without having to say, like, I'm Latino. You know what I mean? Yeah. We did that show in Montreal where we had to riff for, like, 20 minutes with just all you had. You couldn't do material. Not looking forward to that coming out. Oh, I know. And Felipe...

went on last and just killed it like he was so effortlessly just like what's up with you and just funny funny funny murdering he's a pro we tried to get him on the pub i think he was hung over yeah yeah felipe's on my comedy mount rushmore also because every time i see him he gives me free mushrooms perfect but he's one of those people it's like his care his whole persona is funny and then he's also a good writer it's like kat williams to me like you know like

every their whole essence is funny and then the things they're saying are all they could just be like clowns and it would be funny but they're also telling well written jokes and it's pretty amazing that is the perfect combo yeah

man bernie mack was like that yeah sure yeah totally rodney rodney funny looking yeah sounding funny funny top rodney man yeah yeah just all gold even just when he walks out i tried to do that on my first because i noticed when he does late night he walks out and he kind of like sounds like he's lost he's like hey yeah and i tried to do that on my first one but i think i just looked lost like it didn't look funny it just looked like i didn't know what i was doing

It's funny, Michael Richards, I'm a huge Seinfeld the show fan, not to bring it back to the N-word, but Michael Richards, he said when he was on the show, he didn't really know, he knew I was the wacky neighbor, but I didn't really know where to go. And then he said on like the third episode, he figured out, I'll be the dumb guy, but I'll pretend to be the smart guy.

So I'll act smart even though I'm actually doing dumb shit. And that's when he figured out Kramer. Like I'll be confident but still be an idiot. A confident dumb guy is funny. It's funny. Yeah, it is really funny. Yeah. It's weird watching those old episodes of a show where the character is so well done and pronounced later on. And then you watch the early ones like, oh, they haven't figured it out yet.

Yeah, this is weird. It's like a comic. You've got to find that voice. You've watched an old Homer's voice. You're like, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. The animation's real bad. It's kind of slow. There's not many jokes. That first season is rough. There's still some good episodes in that first season, but it's like, yeah, it's not what it became for sure. Well, it's better when it gets weirder and there's tons of jokes. And the first one, I think, was trying to be just an animated sitcom instead of being like,

Let's take advantage of this animation and go buck wild. Once it goes to season three and forward, I feel like that's when they start really hitting. Oh, yeah. Season four, Simpsons, fucking... Yeah. Batting practice, just every fucking line. You can't touch the amount of jokes a family guy does in one episode. We're talking cartoons. Simpsons is like that too, though. I mean, this is like boom, boom, boom. Callbacks, cutbacks, all this shit.

The Simpsons is every line too, though. It's like the same. I think it's the same. That's why I like Futurama a lot. Futurama doesn't, whether it's a smart joke or just the most obvious joke, like the joke is just there. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Yeah, yeah. That's a funny show. 30 Rock's good like that. Yeah. Joke heavy, like so many jokes. Yeah. They don't make a lot of those shows. Yeah, they don't. They really don't. And that show at the time was too smart. Like audiences were like, we don't really get it. But certain people got it. Same with Arrested Development.

I can't stop a rest in development. Rest in development, you have to re-watch. Yes. There's so many jokes you'll miss. I know. Yeah, 30 Rock holds up beautifully, though. Yeah, it's really funny. It's pretty crazy. So, quick question. Do you guys have any peeves that you wanted to share? Did y'all come with any peeves ready? Sure. Pet peeves.

Well, two Jews on Christmas. Let's hear it. When you dress up for the party, but the guests who arrive late don't dress up. We didn't get that email. I didn't get it either, to be honest. It's just your outfit. All right.

I was texted a half an hour before the show. Clearly someone dropped out. No, he knew we had to get you on. Yeah, you got a special out too, by the way. Check out the...

It's blowing up, too. Yeah, it's doing pretty well. I'm pretty happy with it. What's it called? It's called Present Tense, but I put on the thumbnail, the best comedian you've never heard of as clickbait. And now people think that's the title, but I don't care. And it gets haters like, you're not the best. Like, good, you're commenting, helping with the algorithm. Thank you. You know what I've seen back in the day? That's great. He did a clip of himself. It was the worst comedian you've ever seen, and it was just a good set. So the comments were like, no, he's actually good. Right?

the best comments would be like i mean he's not the worst but he's certainly not good yeah you're gonna hit a million uh within a couple of weeks i hope so oh yeah that's great thanks guys thanks yeah well done a toast to a a youtube uh a youtube pop i don't know i'm out of booze thank you thank you it's a special year everybody's got a special yeah yeah i'm good next year thank you let me oh sorry

This is me and Louis squashing our beef. Finally. We are friends again. And you had a great opening with, it was like Nate and W. Kamau Bell and Ali Wong. Yeah, yeah. All these big hitters. I was told not to do that. Why? Because people want to go right to stand-up. Like, they just want to see stand-up right away. So it's over. I would be nervous to do that, personally. But...

Really? Well, yeah. In my special, I usually go right to the fucking jokes. I'm nervous. Yeah. It's cool that they're all in this. Yeah. Louie Katz. These are big hitters here. Oh, that's great. Louie Katz was already a local legend. When I first met him, he was a young kid. I can't even tell you how much protection he was a guy. It was a joke. I put the work in. I think Louie's extremely funny. I've known Louie for a long time. I love Louie. Oh, my God. He was...

So, so funny. He's a very good joke writer. He's very funny. So well-written. As well-written as... Marin's got to be in front of the Guggenheim, right? Super dirty, but also super smart. Is it too late to add that to mine? It's just us.

I thought we were... Yeah. Carmen, I just met her. She's all right. I thought, because I did one of these, I thought we were supposed to trash you. So mine's like this fucking Jew face. You guys both did it, but you did it like a promo, and I needed it more like a cold open. And so I used you guys to promote it, but then it didn't work for the cold open. They do that. They just sabotage the...

They know I shot extra. Yeah, and then they go on to roast me. I think I said, like, whenever people were like, oh, my God, Louie's here, and I look excited, and then it's Louie Katz. Yeah, it was great. You came up with that on the spot. It was great. It was really good. But, yeah, they start roasting me in a second. It's not just praising me. It's not just them, you know, um...

It's going to be awesome. It's getting too sincere. Yeah, but you said Eminem, and it's actually, that's what I modeled it on. Like when, I don't know if you guys remember, do you guys remember when Eminem came out? And they almost ran like a little infomercial on MTV where it was all these like black rappers to kind of justify that he's white. Like, you got to see this guy. He's the best. And they ran it like right before My Name Is came out and all that. And I always thought that was so cool. So that's kind of what I was doing. Oh, smart. That's great. You know, Dr. Dre didn't know he was white until he met him.

No way. Fun fact. That's crazy. That's crazy. There's stories like that with Paul Wall. I saw a YouTube video where somebody, a black dude was like, man, I hate white people. And then he saw Paul Wall on stage and was like, oh shit, my favorite rapper is white. Bringing him back in. Is he still around? Paul Wall? Yeah, in Texas. He has like a comb over now. It's weird. Oh, build that Paul Wall.

Well, congrats, man. That's fucking awesome. Thanks. Yeah, it's a big year for a minute. It's popping. Yeah. Comedy bubble, baby. Comedy's really popular these days. Oh, yeah. I feel like I got in right at the right time. You should have... I mean, those bust years, it was crazy. I feel like I'm such an old man, but it was so different when I started. People did not care.

It was niche. It was underground, basement. No one gave a shit. There weren't critics. No. There wasn't a dedicated person at the New York Times reviewing it. Yeah, but where does it go from here? Like, when does it burst? I don't know. It feels like we're cruising. Yeah. I think we're doing all right just because a podcast TV is dying. You know, late night seems to be floundering. I hate TikTok, but it's helped. It helps. I don't look at it either. I think things swing back, though. I do think, like, how long can podcasts go? I mean, like... Sure.

I'm having fun, but like, I do think, you know, everything has a course. Yeah. People are going to want scripted. Then maybe it comes back to podcasts. I think it's going to be like a cycle. I think the podcasting that might be true, but I think, and this is, this is maybe a hopeful theory that was standup. It really is truly better live.

You just watch it and it's whatever, you go there, you feel that tension in the room. And there's so few, even music is like, you can like it or not like it, but it's not that same feeling of the tension that's there when you see standup and it's happening right then and there. And I think that's what's driving the ticket sales is that people are looking for these experiences that can only happen.

And you can say something kind of fucked up. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's kind of wrong. Yeah. Oh, I can't say that at my office. I'm like, I say with my friends, but you could say it in a room full of people who want you to say something kind of crazy. Yeah. Funny. And totally. And it has a joke, but you know. Yeah. And it hasn't been this wrong in a while. Like, I feel like HR and stuff has gone up. So like, I need to hear a release.

I need the other side for a minute. I got to even out. Yeah, totally. So, yeah, but I agree. I'm waiting for the... I just wonder, like, are, like, crowd work reels going to die down? Is something else going to... Yes. I feel like podcasts will die down first. I feel like not anytime soon, but in years to come, podcasts will become, like, how we look at AM radio. Hmm.

yeah but that's what i thought 10 years ago and they're stronger than ever yeah yeah i keep yeah i keep making an excuse not to start a podcast like oh i missed it like you know i had to be there right at the beginning and then a new podcast will blow up and i'll be like well i guess reality shows were like that'll pass and it's like they're still here yeah totally i've also been wrong about every prediction like in middle school i took a computer class and i failed and i was like i'm not gonna need this

That was an honest thought. I'm not even trying to be funny. I was like, these hands, this is what people need. I'm going to be a plumber. Although we still need them. We got all the AI up the ass. You still need a plumber. You still need a roofer. Yeah, that's true. All that stuff. You guys see that? What is that? Uh...

I think it was a South Park episode I was watching the other night where like everybody who went to college is standing outside of Home Depot hoping that a handyman will be available. The handymen are making all the money now. That's great. Man, brilliant. Still hitting. That's a new episode? Yeah, they're like, what the fuck did I go to college for? I could have been learning how to do stuff and fix stuff. Yeah, I mean...

They like to always hit it. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It was pretty brilliant. It was the panda verse the panda verse Yeah, yeah brilliant cuz they do a whole thing about like, you know woke movies with Disney have to have like a bunch of women and they're all black and trans whatever I put a diverse woman and make her gay But it's all about being lazy like how that's just lazy and then he starts bitching about woke shit and then you realize oh this is lazy and

And so they hid it from both sides. That's great. It's pretty brilliant. Damn. I want to meet them so bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just seem like the coolest dudes. One of their main writers lives here in New York, and he works at the writer's room where I write. He's there. Get him on, Peters. Oh, I forget his name right now. He's the one that did Wonder Chosen. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. One of those guys is now one of the main South Park writers, and he's, yeah, he's like a, I mean, I kind of like fanboy out when I see him. He's like not even famous, but I know he is. That Wonder Chosen show was so great. Do you guys remember that? Have you seen that? I do. It was wacky and weird, but it was funny. I've heard it was great. Yeah. It's like a hardcore, like, fake children's show that was on MTV2 for a while. I thought that thing said, why does Wonder Chosen? Yeah, Vernon Chapman.

Yeah, Vernon Chapman. That's him. There you go. What about that, Sam? What? I figured it out. I pulled a guy out of nowhere. Sally's getting better. Hot in here. Yeah, it is. Elf suit. Dumb joke. This is tough. Sweatshop. Are those rented? Yeah. I mean, these are like velour. I know, right? I feel like Stavros in this thing. Yeah.

He really commits to that. He wore them on Rogan for the full three hours. Got a uniform now. Yeah, I guess so. Damn. I mean, any other peeves? Anyone else? Oh, I have... I'm a germaphobe, and I feel like everyone doesn't have to be a germaphobe, but you need to respect how filthy this town is, and people don't. The other day I saw a dude...

Dropped his ear pod on the floor of the train and I figure well you're gonna douse it in Sanitizer or burn it or something. I just put it right in his ear and that is my pet I mean just like I almost wanted to stop are that clean though Louie. I mean come on Yes, I wash them every day dude the floor of the subway. It's he should just let a rat shit in his ear That's what that is. I've never seen anybody grab a turnstile New York that makes me feel really good about grabbing turnstiles in New York. Um

I'm the only guy in the whole city touching these. I'm the type of dude who would put them in your AirPod. I would have done that. Maybe one of these. Yeah. But I would have put it back in. Well, I guess it's just, never mind. It's me having problems. You should have seen what I did to that microphone before you got here. Oh, yeah. Or you should fear wipe his ass. Probably that much. All right, let me hold it up there. There you go.

I didn't know you were, that's a germaphobe. I guess so. I guess I thought it was like a normal, everyone would be like, yeah, it's gross and it's just me. Do you get sick a lot? No. Okay, I never get sick. And I'm a germy guy. What do you like? You lick the pole in the summer? I rarely wash my hands. Jesus. I mean, if I shit on them, I'll wash them. What if you take a shit, but you don't shit directly on them? Do you wash your hands after you shit?

You don't wash your hands after you wipe? Well, if I get shit on them. No, you gotta wash your hands. How many times have you had COVID? Four. I'm more worried about pink eye at this point. You

You don't wash? I'm glad we hug more often than we shave. Well, I do. I do a fake wash when there's other people in the bathroom. You don't even turn on the water. You just go... He's like, this was water. Goodbye. At home, I don't wipe. I use the bidet. I get the bidet. You don't wipe after that? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. You never know what's going on down there. Is your ass all wet?

There's a dryer. Oh, you have a dryer. Mine doesn't have a dryer. It's a low-level bidet. Yeah, but you're just wetting the poo. No, you're blasting it off your ass. It gets blasted off. Wait, you can't say that. You don't even wash your hands. That's not a civil rights oath. But my asshole is. He gets rid of the brown. You've lost all that. I sound like Seinfeld when I said that. He gets rid of the brown. He's ever washed his ass.

You're getting rid of the broom. I wash my hands after I pee just depending on the smell of my hands. Yeah, I do that. You give it a sniff. You give it a sniff like, ah, penis has been all right today. Yeah. Pretty clean. This is crazy. This is wild to me. I can't wash your hands in this city. Thank you. The only reason I don't wash my hands after I pee is because that's how...

Thoroughly, I wash my penis before I leave the house. There you go. And then there's pee coming out of it. And now there's... You're not touching the pee? Who touches the pee? You touch your pee? I'm not going, "Whoa!" How do you aim? How do you make sure it's there? I sniff it like a sommelier.

I touch my penis all the time. Why? Is it just my friend's apartment because maybe it's like an old building or is it harder to find fart fans in New York restrooms? Yeah, it's harder. What? Wait, fart fan? You know, the upper thing. It's a fan that's sucking out the air while you're taking a dump. Oh.

Oh. Oh, my God. Is that what it's called? Yeah, fart fan. I mean, that's what I call it. I don't know. But you knew that. You both knew. We're Southern. Yeah. Is that a Southern? I guess so. It's like in the air. It sounds like my ex-wife. I'll tell you. Every restroom in Texas has two switches, the light switch and then the fan switch. Dead on. That way you don't stink it up after you're done. Do you guys shit more down there?

I guess so. Maybe. We shit properly, more properly. Everything's bigger in Texas. Fucking New York, you're just stuck with the smell. Mark Norman goes around farting on everybody and everybody just has to live with it. That's true. There's no fart fans in this city. You're right. We need to get one in here. Put one right above me.

It also helps get the steam out when you're taking a hot shower. There you go. I mean, that's the law, actually, in buildings here. They have to have that in your apartment, but they don't have to have it in public restrooms, I think. Oh, my apartment doesn't have that. Really? Neither does any apartment I've ever stayed in in New York. It's a mold thing. There'll be mold if they don't do that. Maybe it's only new apartments. There's windows. There you go. Windows. That's to have a window or a fan. There you go. Yeah.

Alright, I have mold on my ceiling, so maybe you got something there. Do you really? Yeah, a little bit. I cleaned it, but it pops up. That's gross, though. I know. I gotta wash my hands. Any other peeps? Yeah, I got a peep that lines up with all of these. Touching poop water. Wait, huh? What? Yeah, like, when you don't have home field advantage, like if you're at a hotel or something, you don't know the depth of the toilet.

And if sometimes you wipe, your finger hits the water. Like, you know, at home. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Why are you that low? Yeah. Do you wipe from front to back? I mean, from back to front? Like, going under the crotch? What are you, a lady? Reverse. Oh. You go this way. That way. Then why do you touch the water? I'm saying because... Do you not lift up your butt cheek? Do you go all the way behind? Are you inside the bowl? Holy crap. You go in the bowl? You don't lean up? The bowl is shallow. You lean up, right? This is horrifying. You don't wash your hands, bro. I love that.

After.

After that, I'd be rinsing and washing like there's no tomorrow. I'll give you a hotel peeve. It's when there's not enough toilet water in there, and now you're like, oh, this. That feels weird. Now I look like a monster when I get into this. But it's because of the lack of water. The bowl is ruined. Too much water, too little water, both bad. You've got to stand up when you wipe. Oh, I don't do that. Just go like this. You lean forward, though? Yeah, a little bit. I stand up like an American. Maybe you have a deep ass. Maybe your ass is very deep. Yeah, you've at least got to start lifting a bit. Yeah, a little bit.

Levitate yourself a bit. That's not just going the toilet. Why are you accepting that? I understand the depth of the toilet on the road. I don't. This is crazy. I don't know. What about wet wipes? Wet wipes? I love a wet wipe. Me too. But they fuck up your toilet, so you don't want to do it in your own place because it could clog it up. You can throw the wet wipe in the trash. I mean, it sounds like it's full of poo. Mine is.

You're first wiping and then you're using it. You know what I hate with the toilet? And this happens a lot. This is weird. The seat isn't the same size as the bowl. Have you noticed this? So you end up slipping on a little bit of rim. Do you know what I'm talking about? It happens a lot. Maybe your ass is just not regulation size. It isn't. Dude. No, I just found this out. I just found this out. I have a...

I have a bidet in my place and I'm like, I must have mounted it wrong because I always have to lean to the side to get it. Then I go to Japan. Every toilet has a bidet. It's every toilet. My ass is off kilter. I have an off kilter asshole. It's to the side. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, you know what else is... You could never be a stripper.

What else is a problem is I stayed in the AC Marriott. You know the AC? Yeah. The toilet bowl is square. Oh, that's weird. And the seat is square. So your ass is like, you know, I got no ass. It's like a Wendy's burger. Yeah. It's no good. And it was frozen. And I dropped off some chili. But it's square and your butt doesn't fit on it right. It's no good. No, that's not right. How do they do that? I don't know. What are you doing, man? It's supposed to be like an upscale hotel a little bit.

That's weird the choices they make yeah, this must be nice. How do you feel about a foam seat like a cushion seat? I'm fine with it if it's like I'm the only one using it. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yes Someone else was on it. It feels yeah like an old person was on it. Yeah, we do when you sit on the subway and it's like the seats warm Do you like move? I think it's so gross. It depends how layered up I am I guess. I'll tell you one of my pet peeves

and it ends up tasting good. So maybe I shouldn't talk too much shit about it. But I hate like those like Korean barbecue, like Japanese barbecue where you gotta cook yourself the food. Yes. And then you can't even take it to go. I make myself the food and I'm not even allowed to take it. I made the fucking thing. Wait, you can't take that? You can't take it to go in most places. What? And sometimes they have like it's all you can eat but that means like

all you can eat. If you didn't eat it, they're throwing it away in their own place. Yeah, yeah. You can't get to go all you can eat. You can't get to go all you can eat. Because it's all you can eat in the restaurant. That's fair, right? Yeah. I don't know. You're going to put these places out of business. I do have, I have a bit about having to, uh,

cook it myself and how much I hate cooking. Like, I'm at the restaurant to not cook. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't want to cook. My friend loves that. I don't want to do it. We're in traffic for an hour. Stavi loves that shit. Stavi was just on here singing the praises of... Does he like to cook? He likes to grill it up. I think he just likes the whole experience. He just loves Korean barbecue. I love Korean barbecue. I just want them to do it for me. I don't want to do it. And they still ask for a tip? Why? I made the show. Yeah, I made it. It's like self-checkout. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Give me a cashier. Yeah, totally. This country is no good anymore. Koreans come in, we're cooking their food for them. They're like, you sell it yourself. Yeah.

but yeah the uh that all you can eat that's that's a common thing like i went there was a in brazil there was all you can eat sushi so they'd give you like fistful of rice with like a sliver of fish on it so you get full on the rice and they wouldn't have to sell the fish so we just kept pocketing the rice and we just left with all this rice in our pockets so we could get more and more fish yeah yeah exactly we had to hide it we had to like throw out the rice my thing is though once the food is on my table

It's not like you're going to put it back. You better not. That's gross. Right. So let me take it to go. It's already gone. It's not all you can take. It's all you can eat. You got to eat it. Fill up your plate with so much and be like, I can't eat it. Let me take it. Have you ever gone high?

I've only done ayahuasca. Come on. You ever done ayahuasca? No, I'm scared. He's a panicky Jew like me. I don't even smoke weed anymore, really. You get panicky? Yeah, I get anxious. It's just like...

it's lit it's my joke used to be like i used to smoke weed to be like no worries now i smoke it's like all worries and that's that's literally how it is it's just like everything i don't know that's a part of getting older or something but i'm the same way in the last six months i've been able to smoke weed anymore yeah it's just uh it's just so much it's my brain it starts talking to me it's like that's horrible that's why i don't do it i start feeling i start feeling guilt yes yes totally yeah yeah

Yeah. That's no good. Yeah, I don't fuck with that shit. I used to sleep. That's my only thing. I'll take a little five milligram. I tried to do that in New Orleans once. I forgot that I took it. I took half the night before I slept great. All the THC must have been the other fucking half. Because I wake up.

Dude, I couldn't. I had a dream about. What? Panic attack? Yes. Yes. I woke up into a panic attack. Whoa. I had a dream about Kevin Barnett and that he was dead. And then he was like, you know how like you kind of. Kevin Barnett? Kevin Barnett. Comedian. Yeah. You didn't know Kevin. Kevin was a really funny. Yeah. Cool dude. And awesome guy. Yeah. Yeah.

And he was going to be a big... That's Adam Sandler. You're back. That is not Kevin Barnett. Kevin was a...

He was a writing partner with Joshua Benowitz, who's also really funny. Somebody, yeah. No, I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. He was very funny. Somebody was talking to me about him just yesterday. He was just the best. He was so funny. Good egg. Such a good dude. And the right amount of ball busty. Yes. And he could backflip. Yeah. Really? Just standing right there, he could do a backflip. Dude, he played the saxophone. I mean, he's crazy talented. I would also be sad if Kevin Garnett died. Yes.

I'm sorry, I keep interrupting. KG's great. KG's badass. I love KG. Yeah. And he's the right amount of ball busty. Great storyteller, too. Yeah. You see him on these pods? He's fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. He's so funny. But, yeah, I dreamed about Kevin Barnett, and he was... It was like... It was like I felt like what... You know how you most spend all your life ignoring that you're going to actually die? I woke up really knowing it, and then it was like...

I couldn't have my glasses on. It was dark and I felt like claustrophobic from the blurriness. And I couldn't, I just, I was just flipping out, man. It was horrible. The same thing happened to me. Really? Yeah, I was with a girl who was like, take one of these, it'll help you sleep. And she's like, oh, I didn't know this one had THC in it. And I was like, and I was like literally on a toilet in the fetal position, just like, you know, by the toilet, freaking the fuck out. Oh,

And she was like, sorry. I'm like, this is the worst night of my life. I feel way better about myself. I feel like way, like, oh, there's other little bitches too. I thought it was just me.

Real men have panic attacks, too. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I hate it. I don't like weed. I like to suppress my problems. That's why alcohol is a drug for me. Although, I'm slightly interested in micro-dosing shrooms. Oh, that's amazing. You've done that? I do mushrooms all the time. Really? Yeah. You can do a regular one. You don't have to micro. How much is a micro-dose? Like, how much do you take? I don't know. I've never micro-dosed. Oh. Yeah.

I'll be at the airport like full on hallucinating. Oh, yeah? Yeah, the first time that I did that, it freaked me out. I'm not going to lie. But I feel like I've done shroom so many times that I could be like on like a couple grams just in front of people now. And it's like, yeah, no big deal. Yeah, same. Makes you jovial, good mood. That's my next one. I want to do that. I just got some. Have you done them before though? No. Start off with like a gram, gram and a half, but maybe stay home or just be like...

on your own with one person you're really cool with. Yeah. And you'll experience like a nice trip. There are times though, remember earlier you were saying like, does it help you figure things out? There are times where I take so much that I can't avoid thoughts anymore. And that kind of sucks. But there are thoughts that I guess I need to get out the way anyway. Yeah. Yeah. It's like doing the dishes. It's like, I hate it, but fuck it. Right. For me, it's like the last couple of times I shroomed, it was more like,

It just felt good at the end when it was over. I'm like, oh, I got through that. I didn't flip out. That's not a fun experience to me. You know what I mean? Like, oh, wow, thank God it's over. That's not... Oh, really? Yeah. That's a bummer. But I think I always like...

This idea, you know, because I got into them in college. It was like, let's do an eighth. Like, let's eat a whole, you know, this whole idea that you could just eat a cap or two caps. What? Like a pussy? You got to eat, you know, the whole thing. And it's, yeah, so I maybe now I'll try it with just a little bit. I got actually Hans Kim gave me these shroom chocolates at Skank Fest. And I have those still around. So maybe I'll have a little bit. Maybe try different ones by now.

I don't know. They expire? Nah, I don't know. I don't think so. I think they could last a little while. I mean, technically, they're already bad. They're fungi. True. Yeah. So mushrooms can go bad. They can go bad. That's what I'm saying. I don't trust it after a month or two because I'm like, what the fuck is even the shelf life? I feel like they're very easily obtainable. So just get new ones. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I have some at the apartment if you want some. Thank you.

Hey. Do you guys take drugs from fans? Yeah. Yeah. I won't take, like, maybe a drink. But the drug? Yeah, fuck it.

If it's packaged right. It's all about the packaging. Yeah. Sometimes I will take one that they're not offering. Oh, really? Yeah, this guy brought mushrooms to a show in Vegas and he gave me a bar and I had never tried a candy bar yet at that point, like a mushroom candy bar. He's like, yeah, man, it's really good. He's like, I've been microdosing on mine throughout the day and he was like,

a little less than halfway done with his bar like a third of it done and I was like give me that one too he was like nah man it's my bar I was like nah give it to me he was like you don't know what this is do you that's a shakedown yeah I lost a fan that day but I don't know what he thought I was but

What a weird... Imagine meeting one of your favorite comedians and they're like, I'm just going to steal from you. Yeah. I still... I'm like, I probably have a little bit of a problem. I'll steal drugs from my friends. Like, I'll steal mushrooms. And I'll get mad if they take mine. Oh, all right. Yeah. That's fair. It's my show. Give a penny, take a penny. Yeah. Somebody brought mushrooms for me and my two comedian buddies, Luis and Jesus.

And they gave me a bar. We each had a bar. And then they brought an extra bar, like a bigger one. And they were like, hey, could you give this to Jesus when you see him? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yoink, that's mine now. Oh, that's fine. Jesus was like, you seen that? Have you seen that bar they left? I was like, nope. Oh, damn. My shit now. Does he know about it or is this something I was going to find out? No, I told him about it later. I was like, look, man, they did bring it. I was like, but I'll buy it from you. He's like, nah, you can just have it. I don't want to get into arguments with you. And I'm not going to be like, no, no, no. You should take it. I was just like, okay.

You said I could have it as mine. There you go. You're the mensia of chocolate. It wasn't. But I did Skankfest this year, and then I did a Santa Cruz festival. I ate so much weed after these two. I didn't smoke. And I'm just traveling around with it. It's cool if you're going to the right states afterwards, but you could be going to the wrong state. And it's like, well, what am I supposed to do with all this shit now? True. Yeah, Moon Tower gave us...

something too and I took it and I had to change my flight. Oh, wow. It was too much. Plan B? Sometimes people like it's only happened like twice but people try to give me coke and I'm just like do I really look like I do coke?

You've seen my act. It's too risky to do coke these days. I think so. Well, that's... I mean, I had my bachelor party this year in Costa Rica where it's legal, and that was awesome. Really? Yes. Because it's legal, it's closer, so it's not cut with anything. Man, like, coke is...

Maybe the best drug. Really? We're about to come down. There's no come down. We could go to sleep without a problem when it's pure. Dude, we do as much then just crash out when we had to crash out. You don't even have to do that much because you get so high after just a little bit. It's so good. I can't do it. Nah. Because of...

I don't know. I just don't like drugs that make me want to... Don't talk him into doing coke. Look, my point is that it's so rare to get... Everything you do about coke was wrong. I wouldn't do it here because of the fentanyl thing. I just won't. I'm so scared of that. But if the pure cocaine is like...

I had no idea. The feeling is so good. Like, have you ever done like... I've never done it. I've tried it. You've tried it? And it just like woke me up. It felt like a breath of fresh air. And I don't want that. I think that might have been a little meth-y. Yeah? Yeah. Because it makes you feel like... It's where you realize why they call it getting high. You literally feel like...

Like you're just floating. Wow. It's so good, man. You feel so good. This is like the opposite of a guidance counselor. You gotta try it. When it's pure. What are you doing? The cliche shit? Like, we gotta start a bar, man. And we gotta write a movie. And we're gonna go to the moon. And we're best friends forever. No. Well, also, the other thing is, for me, I'm really sensitive to...

Uppers so I just did like one line and I'm good. I'm like good for a while I don't even cuz somebody do coke here like you do it like all night like I think I feel it yeah, like this is like

I'm good. I feel great. That's for me. I don't have a, I'm not really like, give me a minute. But man, it was incredible. Yeah, a lot of people I know like to do coke when they're out drinking so that they can just keep drinking and they'll do coke. Yeah. And they'll be drinking until like 10 in the morning. But I don't like to be up when the sun comes out. No, me neither. And also like, your body's telling you to stop drinking. It's like, it's trying to shut you down.

I like to be like, "Shut up, body!" Yeah, no. Good point. That's performance enhancing drugs for a bad performance. It's like you're trying to get fucked up all night. That's bad for you. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally. Damn. Well, we should do some Costa Rican blow. Yeah. Only in Costa Rica. Only in Costa Rica. Really. But did you know a guy? It is legal.

I know but like we can't go to Walmart. Coke dispensary? How do we know it was clean? Because why would there's no reason to cut it with that first of all everything's cleaner when it's closer to the place so it's the distance from a location where it's made. Who brought you the Coke in Costa Rica? Is there some guy like yeah my mom made this. It's a mom and pop. Nice try Fed. Yeah maybe don't say who gave it to you but is it like a

I don't know. No, it's like there's a – it was my bachelor party, so there's like a guy who like can arrange everything for the bachelor. The sad part was he was like a pimp kind of too, and no one got a hooker. And he was so – we made the pimp sad. He's like, I've never seen this. It was like he was depressed. He was like, no one? Like really? Like no one? Like not only because he missed money, but he like didn't even understand. He couldn't fathom.

i'm with him you couldn't get a hooker i mean jacked up it was it was i think it was too hooker self-esteem i know it was too big of a group and people there's too much like stigma i think you if you want to get a hooky one no one to know that you got a hooker and it was like everyone would have known that you got the hooker yeah and then if everyone was doing it but it's too big of a group for like everyone to do it so it kind of messed things up great if it was just one guy in a group of like 17 though yeah yeah yeah yeah true

Man, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting a hooker. I don't either. Now you know I have money and I just got laid. Yes. Pro sex work. Yeah, totally. So this cocaine, this is Mulaney's bachelor party, I assume. All right. Where are you guys going to be at? What do we got?

yeah plug some dates and by the way three killer specials here um on mark norman's youtube on on your own youtube louis katz and ralph barbosa uh on netflix yeah i was gonna say my tour dates are on my website barbosa comedy.com some dates we're doing a theater tour we're going to new york town hall theater that's a beauty yeah uh san diego chicago

There's a bunch of cities. Nashville. Wilbur. Nice. Boston. Yeah, I was in Boston. I can't read that far. It's the Vic Theater in Chicago on February 2nd. Good room. February 3rd, also the Vic Theater. Buckhead after that. Atlanta. Los Angeles. Netflix. There's a joke festival in May. I'll see you there, Freddy. February 17th in Tampa, Florida. Tampa.

That's a fun comedy town. Yeah. I love Tampa. Yeah. Great crowd. What do you got? I got a, I'm in a, Tampa was great. January. I'm in a, well, is this, when does this come out? January. Christmas. Christmas. I was in Austin last week and I sold out.

So you missed that. But in January, I will be at the Punchline in Sacramento. I'm doing a night at the Irvine Improv. And then I'm in Colorado Springs at Looney's in February. So come check me there. Also Charlotte, North Carolina.

26th of january that's what the tell he could sell his own tickets and how you guys doing on new material because you guys just put out specials this is a tough time i've been doing it for a while ever since i i taped it i was like banking banking yeah yeah mine is uh because it took me so long to edit it i'm fine i taped it i taped it may 2022 and it just came out so i waited a year and a half to put it out so yeah since that time i've

it's not ready to tape, but I, it's, it's all different jokes. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. All right. What about Carmen there? My dates aren't, I have, I seriously need an agent. I've been booking myself. My agent is gone. So he got furloughed. So I have a few dates up there. I'm at the Kennedy center. I'm at Syracuse this weekend. I'm in San Diego. Oh,

Hell yeah. But yeah, more is coming. Go to her website and watch her special on YouTube. Yeah. And also, you said there's three specials, but it's technically four, right? Because you have two specials coming out, right? One on Friday. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, nice.

Oh, yeah. All right. I'm at MarkNormanComedy.com. Check out my shit. I'm also in Tampa and Jacksonville and Columbus and Indianapolis. New York at the Beacon. Second show added. Lexington. Charlotte. San Antone. Houston. Go to MarkNormanComedy.com. Get some Bodega Cat.

And Sambo, what do you got? Blue Room, Springfield, Missouri. I'm back in clubs for a minute just to tighten the special, which I'll be taping in March at the Wilbur. Nice. Awesome. Very pumped for that one. But, yeah, we got Blue Room in Springfield. Madison, Comedy on State. Only really good clubs coming up. Philly Punchline. I can't see. Oh.

You got Oklahoma City. Yeah. You got Irvine. Stanford, Connecticut. Wiseguys. It looks like Omaha. Salt Lake City Wiseguys. Hell yeah. And then the big taping, March 7th. And Irvine as well. I think we missed Irvine. Awesome. All right, J-Mo. I think they're all sold out already, so that's going to be great. Oh, that's huge. It's going to be great. It's going to be a hot show.

You want to plug anything? You got a new kid? I got a kid, but my mom's taking some time off, but I'll be back in January with shows. All right. There you go. Buy yourself a bottle of that Dagen Cat whiskey. Yeah. Good stuff. On sale online. We're still looking for a distributor if you know anybody. New York, help us out. Buy this whiskey. Buy a Corvette. Yeah. Combine the two. Now you're talking. I'd just like to dedicate the show to Kenny DeForest, who passed away. Ah.

Yeah, honestly, really tough. Great guy. Hilarious guy. Yeah. We've known him a long time and we heard the news. Drew,

very recently that things were not looking well. From what I gather, it was a hit and run. Jeez. Brain damage. Terrible. Yeah, so. Very funny guy. Look up his stuff. Really funny. And a good person and a very sweet person. I believe my friend James Webb directed one of his specials. Oh, nice. Our friend who directed both of our specials. Got that right. Chicago Pro. Yeah, Kenny...

real Chicago guy, a Hoops fan, a great guy, uh,

Ran comedy at the Knitting Factory. Yes, that's right. Post Hannibal Buress with Clark. Will Miles. And Will. And we just found that out right before the taping today. And there was a GoFundMe, I guess, for his family. Yeah. This is pre-taped. Yeah. So this is late because we won't be in town for Christmas. But yeah. He'll be missed. He'll be missed. And to Kenny, very, very tough. And me.

Happy holidays. Weird note to end on. Sorry. We're going to do some Costa Rican coke. Cowabunga.

Thank you. If we find about it, we could maybe put the GoFundMe in the link. Oh, there you go. All right. Well, thank you, guys. Thanks for listening. Merry Christmas. Thank you for... Happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah as well. It's Christmas today, though. And, you know, thanks for spending another year with us. We love you guys. And this was a great app. So thank you all for coming in. Coquito. Coquito. Coquito.