Ep 158: Happy Holidays Week 1 (Joe DeRosa, Keith Robinson, Marina Franklin)
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Hey. Is it rolling? We might be drunk. We're here. We're queer. Happy holidays. Happy Kwanzaa. Hanukkah. Festival of Lights. How do you put Kwanzaa before Hanukkah? Wow. White guilt. Tough year. I didn't... It wasn't in Germany. I'm sure they put it before. So you're not hungover for once. And Mark is. No, no, no.

That's not what I meant when I said that. Mark's very hungover. Yes. I said what's frightening is how not hungover I am, meaning the way I drank last night, I should be extraordinarily hungover. And the way I am bouncing back from...

I don't know what to say, man. You got alcohol lips. I know those lips. That's a dry lip. Your body has no moisture. Do you get the thing when you're hungover? Because this has been happening to me and it scares the shit out of me, but yet it won't stop me. Yeah. I wake up after a night of drinking at 6 a.m. My mouth is bone dry. Yes. And my heart is going like... Yes! It's going like wildly fast. And I'm like, oh my God. I'm so with you and it's nice to hear that. And then the anxiety is looming and you can't go back to bed.

You're sitting there going, I got married. What did I do? I know. I give it a year. This is the saddest Santa of all time. You ever wake up after a Coke bender? You're like, fuck, Santa's falling off, man. Fucking Bad Santa Part 3, baby. Sad Santa. Sad Santa. Oh, let's pitch it. Bad Santa 3, Sad Santa. There you go. Monster by Zoloft. So where'd you drink?

Well, I own a bar, so... Ooh. We had Mike Cannon guest bartending last night. What? You guys should come down and do that sometime. It's fun. Is he doing that badly? Is he struggling that bad? You wouldn't do that? I'll drink at your bar. I don't want to bartend. Yeah. That's a job. No, you stand out there for two hours and you give out a... You're trying to get us to do free labor for you. Yeah. There's a bartender back there with you. Yeah, what are you, Tim Cook? You just pour a couple free shots. It's just a fucking party. I'll tell you what, come back...

Come in and drink, and if you feel like hopping back there and pouring a drink, you're allowed to. He can make a mean old-fashioned. Yeah. I make the easy ones. Hey. Hey. People can fuck that up. Yeah, we had Cannon guest bartending, and I went in to hang out for that, and then-

Just oddly, a lot of friends started texting me. Like, hey, are you at the bar? So Brooks Whalen came by. Is he in town? He left today. But he came by. Sagalow came by. My buddy Nick Simmons came by. My friends from this band, The Dooms, came by. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this Gene Simmons' son? Yeah. We're good friends. How's the tongue? On the kid? Yeah. The way you said you were good friends was so aggressive. Yeah.

We're very close. I didn't mean it like that. Yeah, but we're tight these days. Whoa. He brought me to one of the final Kiss shows. Whoa. That's pretty cool. Was that a great show? It was amazing. We stood against the stage. Wow. I was standing so close.

That I took my drink and I went to set it down and I almost put it on the platform that Gene Simmons like stood on. Jesus. Like it was literally that. It was wild. Damn. We had a blast. Do they still got it, Kiss? They killed. Wow. Dude, his dad's like still walking around doing the tongue kicking. Like it's crazy, man. Remember when they had that reality show for a minute? Yeah. No.

Family jewels. Yeah. What? Was that like an Osbourne ripoff? Yeah, it was like that kind of, you know, when every rock family was doing one of those things. Right. And Shannon Tweed. Oh, I love that Tweed. I hung out with her backstage. Whoa! She still got it? She's still, like, gorgeous. Pull her up. But she was super cool. Like...

I was like, Nick, can I tell your mom that I'm a big Frasier fan and I love her episode of Frasier? I don't remember the Frasier episode. She's in an episode of Frasier. And he was like, yeah, tell her. And I go up to her and I go, hey, it's so nice to meet you. And I go, I love your episode of Frasier. And she goes, oh, shut the fuck up.

Wow. I go, I'm serious. I'm dead serious. And we started talking. And then I go, you raised a really great kid. Nick's a good kid. And she goes, oh, fuck off. I love this woman. She was so ball breaky. Yeah. But we were talking and laughing. She was great, man. Oh, my Lord. What a. Frazier is not what I would open with personally. Yeah. I love Frazier. I love Frazier. I was excited to meet somebody that was on Frazier. We're trying to get Kelsey Graham on here. And I feel like we're making some headway. Right.

All right, we're trying. We got to get him when he's shithoused. Then he'll say yes. Can I please come in when Kelsey Graham writes here? Please. I'm getting Frasier tattooed on my arm. What? You think I'm kidding? No, I don't think you're kidding, but that's a crazy tattoo. That's my favorite sitcom of all time. I've seen your other tattoos. I believe you. I'm getting Roz tattooed on my thigh. Hey, thank you, BeardJuice.

I'm dead serious. I'm getting the logo tattooed around me. What are we drinking, by the way? The Wizard of Roz. Today, actually, is something that you like, the brown butter fatball. Oh!

Rum old fashioned. But this is like my little take on it with a little clove like for Christmas. Did you just turn that down? I don't want to. I heard rum. I'm out. No, no, no, no, no. Just take it. Give it a sip. For the sake of the holidays, Joe. I got something else for you. What is this? Peer pressure? I felt that coming. Whoa. Joe DeRosa flipping peer pressure on me. Wow. The ultimate. This is crazy. I can't believe we have this on tape. Happy holidays, guys. Oof.

We can't get eggnog in this bitch. Let's get some eggnog. I can't have eggnog. I got a dairy thing. Sorry. We got apple whiskey coming. I ordered a bag of Coke last week. You can't have dairy. All right. Here we go.

Last week. Pretty good. That's how I should have responded to that. Last night. I was too slow. What do you think? It's not bad. It is tasty. That's not bad. Brown butter. See, this is how it starts. You know, you say, I'm not going to drink today, and then you're having a cocktail 2 p.m. It's just to get over the hangover. Then we're back. For you. Yeah. For me, I'm not hungover, so it's going to start the new ball rolling. Well, you might still have the booze flowing through your veins. I got to see Thanksgiving later. Oh.

Oh, with Tim Dillon. Oh, yeah. I heard he's in it. Yeah, yeah. You're a big horror movie guy. Yeah, but I have a movie podcast called We'll See You on Hell. We got to review it tomorrow, so I got to actually go see it. You guys got spots tonight? Yeah. Yeah. You guys last time, I was telling the story last night to Sagalow and Cannon.

The last time I did the show was when we did your bachelor party. Oh, Jesus. I go, it went for four hours. I go, I was so fucked up. And then Sam goes, I'm taking us all out to dinner at Old Homestead. We go to Old Homestead. We drink through dinner. Steaks. We left. I was like, I have to go home. And you guys were like, come on, come hang with us while we do spots. Yeah, we did sex. I go, I wouldn't walk in.

the club without spots in the stadium and you guys went into actual sets like I was like well I wouldn't call that an actual set yeah he went full Kramer he was just such a blackout holy shit man I was like this is amazing to me yeah we did it well once you get on that stage you kind of clear up a little yeah yeah a little a little

It wasn't great. Yeah, yeah. I was doing old jokes. I couldn't think of my new stuff. It was bad. I just started doing some spots again because I haven't been doing them. I've just been doing the road, but...

I'm starting to rebuild. City spots are tough, man. I feel like the show is always running behind or some shit. The time's always getting cut. I know. It's hard to work on new shit. So then you just force it in. But you don't want to eat it either. The best case scenario is I was at the stand on Monday night. I had a few pops in me because I did Legion of Skanks. I was pretty fucked up. And then Aaron was like, you want to go on Frantic? And I was like, yeah, sure. And I just got to go up.

Do 10 minutes. I worked on one new joke. Had a great set. I was like, this is how I always want to do it. That's nice. That commitment on, I start thinking on Monday about the sets on Wednesday. I'm like, oh. Yeah. God damn it, man. Like, it just hangs over me. I have that too with the avails. You know, the seller's like, hey, put your avails in every week. And on Sunday or whenever the hell you put them in, I'm like, ah.

I don't know. I can't figure that out. That's like two weeks ahead. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know where I'm going to be in two weeks. Exactly. The seller's got that system where it's like, you put in this Wednesday for the following Thursday through the second Tuesday. Brain twister. He's a riddle. Remember when we used to do the voicemail? Oh.

That was the one where I'm like, I remember Mark used to call and he would just like, we were young comics just dying for spots. And Mark would be like, SD, how are you? Go Yankees. You know, just kissing up for spots. I had Havana Gila playing in the background. I was just trying to play ball here. Yeah. I remember she would call you with your spots. Terrifying. Yeah. She would like, now they just text it or email it. What a bad system. Actually, I didn't work there when that was the system. I worked there in this new, I didn't work there until 2019 really. Whoa. How did that happen? Yeah, what happened with you and the cellar?

Nothing. There's no... Well, there is a story in the book. Here we go. You fucked Esty. No, no, no. Noam? There was no... I was always friends with the club. Noam and I had a weird thing where he played like a prank on me. He's the owner. This is getting pretty inside here. Yeah, sorry. He played a prank on me and I got very mad at him. And I was like, you know what, dude? And there was some tension for a few minutes. Can we hear the prank? Yeah.

I wasn't working at the club. I was, it was at a time in my career where I would have very much liked to have been working at the club. I think I had been passed and then I got, it didn't last very long. I don't know. It was just, I was just, I wasn't where I wanted to be, uh, in, in the business. And, and, and I really wanted to be working there at that time. And, um,

Noam, if you see this, Noam, we're all good. We're fine. Like, I'm not telling the story to disparage you in any way. But also to the viewers, I'm not saying this to disparage Noam. This is just what happened. Okay. And he apologized and we've totally been fine for years. Spit it out, you Egyptian. I get a text. Okay.

I'm at Gotham doing a spot and I get off stage and, you know, you go sit on those booths on the side from it. And I was sitting there and I get a text and it's something like, hey, we had a fallout or something like that. You know, can you come down here and do a set? And I was like, yes. Yes. It was like a Friday night. I was like, yes. Yeah, finally. Right. So I literally rushed to the cellar.

I'm all excited. I get there, and Gnome goes, there's no spot. I just wanted to show everybody your terrible tattoo. Oh! And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? That's a double zing. Not a good prank. Yeah, I was like, are you kidding me? And he was like, come on. We bust, come on. We bust balls. You had a tattoo of Niles? Yeah, yeah. Kelsey Grammer was there. Yeah, he's a grammar Nazi. And you know somebody tried to do that on a TV show? What's that?

I forget the guy's name. The guy did that prank show. Ashton Kutcher. The guy whose brother is the singer in the Scissor Sisters. He had a prank. What the fuck? I know. That's the worst thing ever. Anyway, he had a prank TV show, and he tried to do a sketch called Grammar Nazi with Kelsey. Kelsey Grammer said no. Ah, we'll get him to do it. So you come down there, and who's laughing at you? Who's down there? I don't remember who he was sitting with. I think it was a couple comics or something.

I don't remember. That's not a good... That's not a cool... No, it was not cool. And later, he very sincerely and heartfelt... Like, he goes, dude, I'm really sorry. You know how we are in here. You guys all trash each other. I really thought it was just, like, going to be this funny thing. It was not a good move. I'm really... And I go, dude, it's totally fine. What he could have just done is told Esty to give you a spot and had everyone there.

And that way, you still could have done the prank without hurting you. Anyway, years later, I passed. And I still have the tattoo. There you go. Which tattoo is this? Actually, I got it covered and redone, not because of that, because I never was that crazy about it. Okay, I have the tattoo here. KK... Easy. Kicking them in the nuts. K-K-T-I-N. All right. Yeah. Because when I met George Carlin, he said keep... He was my idol. He said keep kicking them in the nuts. Hell yeah. Thought it was awesome.

And I saw an interview later where he said, they said, do you ever give advice to young comics? He goes, I always tell them to keep kicking them in the nuts. I was like, oh, he said that to me. That's awesome. I like it. And I got the letters tattooed on my arm because I was like, what a great reminder to sort of glance down at your arm every time you feel like shit. Right.

Wow. I was going to slit, and then I saw the tattoo. So I had it here, but I had it, it looked, it did look Aryan, the font I chose. Mike Yard, in fact, at one point was like, what the fuck is that, man? I was like, this is bad. I fucked up. I did this wrong. Yeah.

So I got it covered up and redone here, but the joke, part of what fueled Noam's joke was Metzger kept like telling this story. Actually, Metzger might have been there when this happened. Metzger kept telling the story to everybody of like,

And DeRosa thought that like this was advice just to him, but he says it there. And I go, I never thought that. You're making up your version of this. So it's funny for you to tell. I was like, but I never, there's like, I knew what it was. Right, right. And so that was the

That was the joke of the tattoo for the prank that Noam played. Kurt Metzger, I was in the car and some of his, it's like Sirius is playing, some of his old shit came on and man, there were some killer jokes. Oh, he was brilliant. He did the joke about the

The banking crisis. And he goes, like, I understand what they did because, like, think about what you do in Monopoly. Like, you step over your own mother's throat. You'll steal money from her. And that's a fucking game. Yeah. Now think about someone you don't care about. Like, that's a fucking brilliant observation. Wow, what a take. Did you hear his joke? I mean, I'm not going to do it justice. His new joke about trans women. He goes, there's a lot of debate about whether or not people think trans women are actually women. And he's like, uh...

I forget how he sets it up. He does something where he goes, he goes, I don't think they are women. I think they are actually improved women. He goes, have you watched them in sports? It's not even close. Oh, that's good. Damn.

Oh, man. He's great. So funny. Such a great bit. I love his bit about Black Dick is just a big part of why you don't want to go to prison. And he's like, Black Dick is now part of the judicial system. You know? Like, I'm so scared of Black Dick getting in my ass in the shower that I'm not going to steal this candy bar. You know? The other thing about going to, I think it's part of that bit where he's like, how are you so scared to go to prison to get raped? He's like, but there's people going there who are like, I can't wait to rape people. Oh.

Wow. That's a take. Do you guys want to? I had it. This bit never worked. Hit me. It was about prison rape. Yeah. I was like, here's the weird thing about rape. The people in society that are most terrified of rape are women, obviously. Uh-huh. The safest place a woman could be is prison. She will never get raped in prison. Wow.

Unless it's a trans inmate. Well, but this is 10 years ago. Okay. Women don't rape other women. Yeah. Men are the rapists. Then they go to jail and then they get raped. It's a startling irony to me. I see what you're saying. But women must be female rape in prison. How? What are you, a scissor? How does that work? Well, I think women have sex with guards and that's considered rape because this is a power dynamic. Could you... Dude.

Could you imagine... I mean, I don't mean in a... I mean in a consensual way. Yeah. I can't think of anything hotter than if I was a prison guard and a hot inmate was like, I want you to go fuck me like in the showers. It's a porno plot. I would...

Oh, my God. That is hot. Very hot. Hot stuff. And then you can just lock her up after. You don't have to call. Sorry. Sorry, lady. Sorry. I didn't call, but you're in prison. What do you want from me? Do you want to cuddle? I have to do my job. Yeah. I'm on the clock. Let me do my job. Exactly. Do you guys want to hear what I believe is the most perfect joke ever written? All right. I assume it's not yours. Oh, God. Okay. Come on. Lay it on me. You can put these glasses on all the time.

It's a whole different mark. It's Ron White. Yeah. I think it's a new joke. I saw him telling it at Skank Fest. I told it to some people last night. I was like, I think it's literally the most perfect joke I've ever heard. I always say he's super underrated. Here it is. You know how to tell the difference between a rich kid and a poor kid? It's how they ask the question, do you know who my father is? Oh.

That is great. That's great. It's perfect. It took me a second, but it's perfect. You don't even have to finish it. That's it. That's the joke. That's great. I can hear it in his delivery, too. You just picture him delivering. That's great.

man he's great i picture him saying that sitting back taking a sip and just letting it kill he's got another one of mine he's a bit the cheating in columbus bit where it's like uh he defends cheating he's like my wife got that crazy idea in her head that i cheated on her in columbus and i didn't i'll tell you why like just that he opens it by being like i did it and then the whole part of the bit was like a woman was like uh

you know, let's have a drink. And he goes, oh, I can't, I'm married. And she goes, no, come to my hotel room and have a drink with me. And he goes, you know that little fella that pops on your shoulder and reminds you of your past commitment and your moral fortitude?

Well, I didn't hear a peep out of him. That's a great fucking bit. What a great sentence. The fact that you open a bit pushing the audience away by being like, I cheated. And you know his crowd is probably a lot of married people. Yeah. And then by the end, they're fucking dying. That's funny. He's a great. I was drunk in public albums. Oh, you put me in public. Right before that set where I saw him tell that joke.

I was talking to him backstage a little bit at Skank Fest. I just went up to him because I'd seen him the night before in the green room. And I was tanked when I saw him. And he's sober now. Yeah. Well, he's California sober. Weed? He's done mushrooms. Oh, okay. It was just every other drug now. Yeah. Well, that's what everybody does. They quit booze. Then they still like, well, take. I don't know if he still does. Well, this is evil. That's why. I mean, it kills your body. Cut this story. Okay.

I hate to... He didn't even say anything yet. He wasn't... I don't think this is... Oh, I see. I don't think this is a secret. Oh, fuck it. Let's cut it. We'll cut it. We'll cut it. Sorry. That's the tough thing about podcasts now. You just don't know. Say what you will about this cat, but he's got one of the best cheating jokes, Pat Dixon. His old stuff was unreal where he said, a lot of people say, how the hell does cheating happen? Well, I'll tell you how it happens. A guy meets a woman and she's nice and that's it.

I love that. I love those types of jokes where it's just like they just end prematurely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff. Dixon used to have a joke where he said, you know, you know, it's going to be a good blowjob when she puts the breathe. That's killer.

And he's got that great joke. He's like, women like when you send flowers to work. They can smell them. They smell great. Women love flowers. Men, I wish you could send pussy to work. They're pretty and they smell great.

And that's it. The minus great makes it a joke. I agree. So you got Carlin saying, kick him in the nuts. I did a set once where it was like a little shaky. I was killing, and then I went a little dark, and I lost him. And Bill Burr was in the wings. I didn't know, and he goes...

Fuck this crowd. Keep saying crazy shit. And then he went on. And that meant the world to me. And then Mark got it tattooed right here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right. Well, that's cool. It's all the way down my leg. Keep saying crazy shit. All right. That's cool. That's a nice moment. You need, yeah, when you're fucking eating shit as a young comic, you need just like anything.

Because there's no worse feeling than having a bad set and seeing a comic you fucking love in the wings. Oh, God, I know, I know. I'll even see an open mic-er in the wings, and I'm like, better bring the heat. I gotta kick it up a notch. Burr changed my whole trajectory. Oh, yeah? Literally. How so? With one set, I was doing the old Gotham, uh...

I remember at the time I had a bit about – I was very young. I had a bit about text messages, how much I hated text messages. And I was screaming about how much I hated it. Probably in the T9 days too. Yeah. And I killed. I killed so hard. And I was – when I first became friends with Bill and he came in. We were going to go out drinking. And I looked up and I saw him like watching as I was killing Bill.

I was like, oh, yeah. You know? And I got off stage and I'm waiting for the, like, dude, great job, you know? Yeah. And he goes, hey, let me ask you a question, dude. When are you going to actually start talking about what you're actually angry about? Oh, you can be angry about text. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, you're not that fucking mad about text messaging. Wow. And I go, yeah, but. And he goes, DeRosa, you killed DeRosa.

But I'm going to tell you right now, you don't want to become the angry guy. Whoa. That's fake. Start talking about what you're really upset about. And it was hard to swallow in the moment, and it changed everything immediately. I was like, okay. And I was like, you're right. I can't pretend to be mad. Yeah. You know? But you are the angry guy.

Like in real life. Yeah, but also to, it was that and then Evan Steinberg, my first manager, said to me, he goes, you're not angry, you're dejected. There's a difference. That's a good way to put it. Yeah, and I was like, so those two pieces of advice really shaped like, I was like,

Yeah, it's not about going up and being like, and let me, because there's those comics. And I'll tell you another thing that's bullshit, people. You've seen these pull tabs on the new juice boxes? You know what I mean? The guy who's angry about socks. Let me tell you about these fucking ankle socks. Jesus, why? They're just socks. My ankle's cold. Yeah, you see this prime two-day delivery bullshit? You're like...

But I was like – You have to always be that guy. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't want to be that guy. I want to be the guy that talks about what actually does annoy me or pisses me off. And in the moment, if I'm talking about it and I start to get worked up, then I start to get worked up. That's real. And if I don't, then I don't. I can still talk about it. But that's like in acting. There's acting techniques where it's like –

You don't go in going, I am going to get angry. Right. You go in saying, this is what my goal is. And wherever the scene takes me emotionally, it could be anger or tears or laughter or whatever. And that's the way I look at stand-up too. My goal is to get a certain reaction out of you and I'm going to be emotionally present. And sometimes that reaction...

Where that experience makes you get a little aggravated. Sometimes it's jovial. Sometimes it's a little more deadpan. I don't know. I don't think of you as an angry person. I feel like angry people when I'm around them, they drain me. And you're not a draining person. Irritated, maybe? Yeah, you're definitely irritated. I think it's definitely a little. But irritation is funny. To be in a constant state of irritation is funny. Good point. I think it's definitely a little. It's more like in the Larry David. Right.

Zone of just like, I can't let it go. Everything is annoying. You know what I mean? Yeah. I do get too upset about certain things, but at the end of the day, I'm not a cunt. What's the last thing you got really pissed off about? Hmm?

Hamas? Actually, he didn't mind that. I heard a woman say, I follow all these women on YouTube that tell you what they think is hot about men. It feels like everybody hates men, so when a woman's like, this is what's sexy about men, I'm like, all right, finally. But she said when a guy gets angry, that's hot.

Because it's like dominance and he tells you how he feels. How about when they're dejected? Is that hot? Dejected is no good. I think if you get the right kind of angry in front of a woman, like take like, like I had a girl once with me at the bar and all this shit was going wrong. And I was like, and I, and it was, we were kind of like on a date and I like had to leave, I had to leave her sitting.

And I was walking back and I kept coming back and sitting with her and then something else and I'd be like, this fucking never fucking ends. Jesus fucking Christ. And I would get up again and I'd come back and I'd be like, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. Are you fucking kidding me? You know? And then like after she's like, she's like...

I kind of thought it was like hot. There you go. You're like taking charge of shit. I was like, oh, that's cool. Exactly. That's because you own the bar. That helps. If you're just an angry dude in the corner, it would not be hot. Well, that would have made sense. Yeah, that's true. Guy's angry. What do you mean we're out of these fucking glasses? I just bought these things. No, you didn't. You're just drinking here. What are you talking about? You're in control. That's why it's hot. Yeah, that helps. The last thing, this is the kind of shit that sets me off. I was trying to book my Uber here, and I was getting nervous because of traffic, and I didn't want to be late.

And I was trying to, like, I pulled up the address. And then all of a sudden that red thing came up at the top that's like, sorry, we can't connect. And I was like, son of a bitch. And then I backed out of the app. And then I went back in. And then it wouldn't, like, you know, when it shows the address, but you're hitting it. Yes. And it's not recognizing it. And I go, what the? And then the five-star rating for my last driver popped up. And I just go, fucking get the fuck off this.

off the screen man god damn it like stuff like that'll make me crazy yeah no I'm with you on that like networking because we're so used to it now you know what annoyed me recently and this is so stupid but it bugs me that fucking Burger King ad that jingle where they're like BK have it your way you rule

That's such a pandering fucking ad. I hate pandering. I know, but it bugs me. You rule. It's like they're trying too hard. That's not how you feel after you eat Burger King. True. You see worth in yourself, Sam. Thank you. By the way, I just found out that Pusha T, a good bartender, wrote, I'm loving it. Get the fuck out of here. Pusha T, the rapper, wrote that. Whoa. That's not true. I'll just pull it up.

That's a great made-up fact, though. Yeah. There's no way that that is true. He's set for life if that is true. Pusha T wrote the McDonald's infamous... What? What? Dude, did you know that Neil Young wrote... Well, hold on, hold on. Did you know that Neil Young wrote Liberty, Liberty, Liberty? That's a Neil Young jam.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Yeah. Go to the... Hold on a second. You know that R. Kelly wrote, eat fresh. Oh, boy. There you go. Look at that. I got a drink with a Pringle on the side of the glass. What do you got here? That's a... Oh.

I'm digging this. We're talking. Apple whiskey? It's basically like an apple passion. That's very good. Dude, I remember, man, all the athletes, they love the honey whiskey and shit. I remember I was in a bar in Milwaukee in a fucking Knicks sweatshirt many years ago, and they tell me Latrell Sprewell goes to this bar every night, and he's my favorite player as a kid. And I'm like, yeah, he doesn't come here every night. He's there every fucking night. And he walks in.

And I'm like, holy shit, Sprewell. So I'm like, I'm a young, dumb comic. I go up to him and I'm like, oh, Mr. Sprewell, I'm a huge fan, you know? And he's like, okay. And I was like, I'm scrambling in my head. I'm like, can I get you a drink? He goes, already got a drink. He's got his apple whiskey or whatever. Yeah. Honey whiskey or whatever. And I say, well, I'm like, I've already had options and a way to connect. And I just panic. I was like, I'm playing the comedy club next door. And he goes, it'd be cool if you came to a show. And he goes, don't count on it. Oh!

And I'm like, oh my God. And then I walk away. I was like, that was brutal. That's like a childhood hero. And then another guy there with us, we didn't, it was like a girl who's hosting's boyfriend was like, I work for Bleacher Report. Let me handle this. He walks in and all I see is Sprewell going,

And I'm like, well, he got it worse than me. Whatever. Thank God. And then I was like, man, that was kind of a bummer. I do the shows for the weekend. At the end of the weekend, the bartender was like, oh, man, I saw Spree. He wasn't too friendly. I was like, yeah, he's a good guy. He's just a little rough around the edges. And she goes, I'm texting him right now. I said, I was at the comedian you met the other night's show. And it was actually a really good show. And Spree writes back immediately. Yeah, I met him the other night. Great guy. I got the nice version. Wow.

But then I met him years later when I had the MSG show and he was pretty friendly. But I was like, man, that was a fucking – when you just freeze with someone you like, there's no sadder moment. What was the contract he turned down? Three years, 21 million. When players weren't getting that shit. And what was his reason? This was the quote that went viral. He goes, I got to feed my kids. So now people would yell that at him. So it was bad.

Because he never got a contract after that. He turned that down and no other team offered him shit. And he was still good. Wow. But I loved him, dude. He was my guy. Jesus. He was a great player. He was. What happened? Choked his coach. Whoa. In Golden State, he – no, no. He's retired. But in Golden State, he choked his coach because they got a disagreement. PJ Carlissimo. The Knicks pick him up. And it's one of the things where you're like, this could be bad. He was awesome for us.

Pull it up. Oh, yeah. He was a fucking man. Is it choke on TV? No, it was in practice. Oh, it was in practice. But he was a fucking beast. Whoa. I've never even heard the man's name until right now. That's him. Yeah, he was a badass. Damn, you're lucky he didn't choke you out. I know. I don't know anything about anything. This is the way you love comic books. I love basketball.

Okay. I don't know. Well, comic books, not, yeah, but. Video games? Horror movies. Video games, horror movies. Okay. All right. There we go. See, we can connect. We can connect. There you go. I get it. This is your leather face. I heard you talking about the Tales of the Crypt thing, and I'm like, I get the passion. I got a second one. Did you? Yeah. Remember when we, because I was with you when I won the auction for the first one.

And I bought a second one that has my favorite Tales from the Crypt story ever in it. And it was double what the first one cost. Which issue? That's a great question. I think it's issue number 32. Whoa. And it contains a story called Counting Cards. Nerd alert. I'll know the cover when you show it to me.

Wow, look at this. You ever see Bordello of Blood with Dennis Miller? Terrible movie. It's that one with the elephant on the cover. Yep. Uh-oh. Yeah, it's a terrible movie. But I like the Dennis Miller parts. Yeah, yeah. Dennis Miller is really funny in it. I'm a huge Dennis Miller fan. Dude. I really wish he would do stand-up again. I did his show once when he took over Larry King's show.

I don't know what network it was even on, but he took it over. He was cool as shit. Yeah. He's so fucking funny, man. So quick. I did a show two days before COVID. Yeah. It was like two days before the fucking country shut down. And I remember him being like, oh, yeah, I got myself a little COVID drip. Like, he just kept making jokes about it. He's like, yeah, give me a break. Like, anything's going to happen. I was like, yeah.

The whole fucking world shut down. He's so funny. He had that line. He goes, Capri Sun, that's harder to get into than Martha Stewart on some dirty sheets. My favorite Dennis Miller. Well, one of my favorite Dennis Millers. He goes, I got to try to remember the wording. So good. It's all about the wording. He goes, he goes, he goes, I got into a cab in France.

The cab driver smelled like he was getting a permanent while eating gargantzola in a meat processing plant. I go, hey, pal, there's an extra Finske in it if you run over a fucking skunk. Man. I mean, it's like, Jesus Christ. Wow, there's so many adjectives in that. Gargantzola, the skunk, I mean...

DePaulo has a little of that. I saw DePaulo hand a guy the camera in the front. He goes, get a few shots of me. And he goes, I took the camera home. It was like I gave it to Michael J. Fox shirtless at a windstorm on a mechanical bull. He just keeps going. Yeah, how many things can you pepper in there? It just keeps getting funnier. Nick always finds the funniest word choice. Yeah. It's like...

You know, it'll be like, I saw a homeless, you know, he had the one about the homeless guy sleeping and he goes, you know, I got an $800 mattress at home. This guy's sleeping like a baby on a Heineken bottle. A broken Heineken bottle. A broken Heineken. Yeah. I just sent you one, Sal Acuse. This, I saw this, like, our buddy Mike Lawrence co-wrote this on SNL. This cracked me the fuck up. Great writer, Mike Lawrence. Dude, he's so funny. I ain't no Mike

Mike was writing for SNL. He did it when Pete hosted. I texted DePaulo the other day. He had a thing on Instagram. One of his clips was podcast. And he goes, so this is a story about men that start relationships, according to the writer, men who start toxic. Don't put the word toxic in there. Don't tell me what I think, whore, who wrote it.

Whore who wrote it. I text him, I go, dude, I am losing my shit at this fucking clip. And I just wrote in quotes, whore who wrote it. And he goes, that's my favorite line in it. I remember I saw Nick once, and he had a line in a Howard Stern roast years ago where he goes, yeah, Howard comes from a long line of thick-skinned Jews. You don't believe me? I go to visit his relatives in a lampshade factory in Auschwitz. Oh.

And I mentioned it to him, and he goes, oh, that line came to me like right outside the fucking venue. Jesus. I was like, Jesus Christ. That came to you? That's hilarious. He would get the thing I sent you, Sal? He was a master of the roast stuff, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, he had a... The roast jokes he did on like the Pam Anderson roast were fucking insane. Oh, yeah. He was ruthless. He's like, I don't want to say Lisa Lampanelli fucks a lot of black guys, but they all call her on her sickle cell.

He had one, he goes, Pam Anderson, your movies are so bad. If someone was like, would you rather watch one of your films or watch a baby seal club to death? I'd be like, call J-Lo and tell her Mittens are ready. Oh, Mittens. Come on. That's the funniest fucking name. Man, oh man. He was made for those types of ghosts. My favorite joke of his of all time, it was a one-two he did on a set.

He goes, I was listening to some hip-hop music today. Not by choice. It was coming out of a Jeep five blocks away from me. And then he goes, speaking of music, did you guys see Jerry Garcia died? They said he was 55. I thought he was in his late hundreds.

He's an angry guy. Oh, yeah. No, that's not what I sent you. It's coming up here. Oh, yeah. Okay. So wait, what is this? Oh, this is great. What is this? Yeah, the kids. Yeah, watch this. This is from the Chris Rock show, though, isn't it? Oh, no, it's from SNL. He's dressed like a 90s kid. Oh, I thought this was from the old Chris Rock show. What up, Harlem? Man, you know when substitutes try to act like they're all that? It's like, girl, since you're a big-ass girl...

Well, what is the premise here? No, no, no, no. It was just the kids. I sent you a different thing, dude. These guys are funny, the Please Don't Destroy guys. Wait a minute. I think the original thing, though, where he's the kid is from the Chris Rock show. Is it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. And I think they took that and they're doing a sketch about that.

Oh, SNL. No, because Lawrence told me he wrote one of the lines in there. Oh, okay. That is a new thing. Yeah, that's it. That's the one.

Yeah, I've seen the one where it's just like the trailer for the show. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, but it's not going back to Pete. It was just that. Huh. Well, we'll find it. No, I sent it to you. Oh. Wow, this gets awkward when Sam starts yelling at the producers. Jesus, I never saw this side of you, Sam.

Well, it's him around Christmas. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You took that really seriously. I was just joking. Except he goes, sorry. It's the holidays. I'm trying to be nice here. Yeah, well. Sorry, Salamon. Look at this guy. He's manspreading on the couch. He's mansplaining to you. Oh, man. This is man. Toxic. Toxic male. We have a guest coming. What happened with him?

He said he's going to be here at 2.45. Who's the other? Is that the surprise? No, no. We got Dennis Miller coming. Oh, no. I'm just kidding. Wait, so what's the big surprise? Surprise. It's not the guest. Did you just say surprise just to make me think there was a surprise? Possibly. Possibly.

that's a surprise i really got excited i would be here either way but i really got excited like there was like a surprise that but i love surprises oh really oh yeah yeah you don't not a lot of people like surprises i hate surprises i don't understand when people say i mean if it's a movie i don't want spoilers i want to be surprised if it's like a movie like when somebody's like do not throw a surprise party for me i tell my wife every year i hate i'm like why who who would hate

Well, what if you're in a weird mood and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I gotta chum it up with Linda from work? You can go sit in the corner and drink until you're having a good time. I don't know if that's an option. Here we go. What is this now? Same one, but... Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Yeah, bitch! I got piano recital! *laughs* Piano recital. Ahhhhh, that's great. You know when you can't get your straw in the front of the priest's son? So you gotta like- Ah, that's funny. The names are the funniest of the kids. Uh oh! Y'all know me and hidden v- *laughs* What happens? What do I do with all this ass? *laughs* Ahhhh.

It's funny because there are adult comics who do crowd work like this. But here's why, again, not to challenge you, Sam, because I see how you can get. Don't challenge me. But, again, this is not like it's...

That's like a direct joke about Kings of Comedy. Like, why would SNL? And then the kid grown up in the sketch turning to Pete looks like that kid growing up. I didn't know it was in that context. I only saw it like that. I think this was an older sketch on something, and now they're reusing it. Because look, the kid's grown up when it gets to the office with Pete. It's the same kid.

No, it's not. Yeah, he goes, please don't destroy guys. No, no, no. Look, the redhead. That's not him. No, he goes, that's my first set. That's the joke. And I think they hired kids to do that. I don't know. I think it's the same thing. No, it's not him, dude. Am I crazy? Yeah. All right. You know those please don't destroy guys are fucking hilarious. Who's the... No, who the hell is... Those three kids right there. They just made a movie on Peacock. I heard it's funny. Do you see it? Oh, wait. Those were the kids from SNL that just made a movie. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Jeez, man, you got to get out of that bar. You're living under a rock. What do I care what some guy does on Peacock? Good point, good point. The angry guy about Peacock. You see, this is a new fucking streamer I got to sign up for now. It was called NBC when I was banging. You seen this Peacock bullshit? I'll tell you, call it P-Pussy, folks. Then maybe I'll watch it. Now, let me ask you this. Speaking of cock, have you covered the trans lady bullshit?

hand job enough yet by the way i found out you hooked up with a trans person because someone heckled me with it while i was on stage in phoenix same i was just i was just on stage and someone goes what do you think about darosa and the trans chick and i was like i don't i love that my name's coming up at your show yeah mine too oh it's great i was like i was like yeah yeah she's a she's a friend and uh she's great nicky fox and uh pull her up well we talked about it a ton man okay

I mean, I don't care. I'll talk about it. But like you and I talked about it on Bobby's thing. Oh, that's right. After it happened. But have you gotten another one since? Because I know you were really excited. Have I hooked up with another trans woman since? No, I haven't. But, you know. Well, there's a surprise. Come on out, Shirley. No, just kidding.

Once again, you got me very excited. God damn it. Do you prefer trans women or what's the type? I haven't been with enough trans women to say I could prefer a cis woman versus a trans woman. I don't think it's a preference. I think, you know. Leah Thomas, I see you on your wall. Who's Leah Thomas? The swimmer?

Oh, I don't know who that is. Oh, I was thinking of Leah Thompson from Back to the Future. Boy, oh boy. He's showing that age. Why are you bringing her up? This guy's fucking film knowledge. Yeah, right? I don't find Leah attractive. All right. That's offensive. That's okay. Oh, there's Sam and Joe's ex. Where? On the right. Sam? Sam?

It's Michael Phelps. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think there's a preference or anything like that. I think it's just, you know, people are people. Here, here. But the giant dong would throw me off.

A dick with a woman, for some reason, is arousing to me. Wow. A dick on a man, I couldn't care less. I'm not attracted to men. It's the femininity. Have you discovered this there? No, no. I knew before that I had an attraction. I had hooked up with a trans woman years and years ago in Amsterdam. Oh. It was just a by chance thing. And...

So so I knew that like I had an attraction, but like I just hadn't been really presented with with too many opportunities, I guess, to pursue it. And, you know, it's just I don't know. I never really thought of it. I swear to God, too. I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Progressive Enlightenment or whatever. I just never thought of it as like.

Well, that's a trans. I'm hooking up with a trans woman versus I'm hooking up with a straight woman. I'm just like, I'm just living life and you encounter who you encounter. And if you're attracted to them and something happens, great. So, yeah. Did you feel were you ever insecure about it? Were you ever like, oh, I feel weird that this is maybe not, you know, the norm or widely accepted yet? No, I got a real attitude with people that are going to take issue with me with anything. I had one person in my life.

Really? Question me. And I was like... And I said... Because they had said that their friends were kind of giving them some shit about it. And I was like...

If your fucking friends or you or anybody has a problem with it, I go fuck yourselves. Like, you know. Yeah. Everybody's a fucking liberal till it's time to be a liberal. You know, everybody's a liberal till it's time to be a liberal. Hear that, Hunter Biden? You know, so so that's that. And she was this person I'm talking about was fine with it. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's kind of douchey to be like, I'm fine with it, but... Right. That's kind of douchey as well. I'm not saying it's not, and I want to just out of respect for her say she didn't necessarily present it that way, but I did have a very... It was a lady. ...strong reaction to it. Wow. Because I'm very like, you know...

I'm the type of guy, if I'm bombing, I'm yelling at the audience and telling them that they fucking suck. It's like I'm not a guy that's going to go. So if my family ever found out, and they might know, I don't know. It's not a thing where I don't feel any need to do anything. Yeah. So if they find out.

and have an issue with it, I would be like, well, all right, I guess we're done here. I'm not a guy that would be like, but it's my favorite movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck off, man. The only person I know who's upset about it is Norton. That was his thing. Yeah, he did it first. That'd be great if people were like, you stole their bit, but it's just their personal life. Yeah, right? I fucking started that, dude. Oh, shit.

There we go. This is the surprise. Yeah, there we go. Hey, Keith. Right here, Matt, here. I wonder why he's late. I wonder what took him so long. What was the holdup? I talked to Keith this morning. You were the first person I talked to. No way. I talked to Keith many mornings in the week. Oh, that's nice. You guys are still tight, right? Very. Very, very, very. I don't like him.

And we're very tight. We should say out of the gate, Keith is recording a special December 19th at Sony Hall. If you don't get tickets, get them now. His new hour is fucking awesome. Killer. Oh, man. What are you going to do with positivity, Keith? You don't know how to handle it. We'll get it out of the way alive. What's up? It's like my dick. What the fuck is this?

Was he in finance? Well, I got to say, Keith, you did that whole bit with the guy with the cane. And I was like, that's a clip. And it's up there now on Instagram. Goddamn right. We had to annoy Liz to get it, though. Keith won't play the game. No. I'm never going to play the game. What's the game? I don't know. Just post it. The game is huge, man.

Joe just bugs me. Good. I don't want you in my life. Anything to repel you is good. You are such a fucking asshole. Yes. I can call Keith any day of the week and go, I want to trash this person. And he's like, yeah, I know. It makes me sick. So we called Voss this morning. Oh, Voss. Because we're tired of Voss's...

Voss' pro-Israel protest. It's infuriating me because Voss could be the dumbest man I've ever known. And him acting like he's about to call. I called Keith. I go, I can't handle this anymore. Keith's like, I got a fucking cocksucker. We called Voss off and Keith goes, you're making me hate Jews. Ha ha!

Dude, I saw a clip of Voss. I saw a clip of Voss recently made me laugh out loud where he's like, he called, first off, he's like in his 60s and he calls a woman in the front row. He goes, miss, you're a fucking two. Oh,

What man in their 60s? I remember I did a bringer show when I was like a brand new comic and Voss was on the lineup. It's like the first time my mom came to see me. Oh. And Voss is in the crowd. He said to a woman in the crowd, she goes, miss, you were two on a Tuesday. And after the show, my mom goes, that man was repulsive. Yeah.

I fucking love Voss. Oh, he's hilarious. Just the fact that he's still pumping out those... He said something about, like, I would step over, fuck, Freddie Mercury's... I would step over your body to suck Freddie Mercury's dick. Do him in the crowd. I'm like, Jesus Christ. We need a compilation of those. Wouldn't that be great? He's the best.

I fucking love boss. Boss is a pain in the ass. I have the greatest Keith Robinson story of all time. There we go. Please. I've told this on many podcasts. I've never told it in front of you, I don't think. I can't wait. This is the greatest Keith Robinson story of all time. It better be good. It's great. So a couple of years back.

My aunt passed away. We were really close, and she passed away. I was very sad. So I was down in Jersey with my family trying to help with everything, and it sucked. And Keith, for whatever reason, was calling me every day because he wanted to talk about something. I don't remember what it was. And I wasn't answering, and I also wasn't calling him back because I was dealing with my dead aunt, and it was a horrible time. It was horrible. That close with the aunt? Very close. Second mother. Got it.

We're in, and it was also the fifth person in many deaths in my family in a short period. It was a very bad time. So anyway, I'm driving. I'm driving. My hand to God, I'm driving from the funeral mass to the cemetery to bury her. Okay. I'm in the funeral procession.

And you drive like 10 miles an hour. And my phone rings and it's Keith again. And I'm like, what the fuck with this fucking guy? So finally I answer. I go, yeah, hello?

And he goes, listen to me, you fucking cocksucker. When I call you, you call me the fuck back. You take my calls, you piece of shit. What the fuck you got going on that you can't take my fucking calls? You got nothing happening, right? And I go, well, Keith, if you need to know, my aunt died. So I've been dealing with that for the last few days. I'm driving to bury her right now, okay? That's why I called you back, okay? There's this long pause. He just goes...

Your aunt always bugged me. Ah, you never met her. That's cool. That's why it's funny. I mean, just a piece of shit. I'm a good dude, man. Yeah, you're a good guy.

It's funny. It's a drinking podcast, but you sound the drunkest. That's because, you know, my stroke. Oh, right, right. God damn it. You have a joke in the new hour where you talk about taking a Viagra on Thanksgiving. Uh,

on a flight to Phoenix to get ass, and that's what caused the stroke. That's what caused the stroke, man. Is that what did it? Yeah, backwards. Don't fly and pop on backwards. Really? Why? What's the effect that happens? The pressure, they will go on the scent. Okay. And, you know, when Apollo makes the announcement, you know, I'm like, oh, shit, I'm going to take a backwards so I can be ready when I get there. And I'll pop that boy...

And then this. Oh, shit. My voice started going. Wow. As I was walking. What? But you were walking, you started slurring and shit? Yes. You were like, oh, here we go. But I had to get the pussy first. You didn't make it to the pussy. Oh, absolutely. Oh, you did?

What do you think? I'm going straight to the hospital? Fucking moron. This is the second time you did not go straight to the hospital. This is the second stroke. Second one. Damn. I'm a man. That's incredible. I hope she appreciated it. No. Tough guys plop blue pills. There you go. When you're tough, you take it and you keep going. No, you know what? Every man in there...

Should have done something to put their life at risk for us. Sure. Oh, yeah, I've done that. Been there. That's right. I followed a girl on a bicycle in China. Yeah.

Through the woods. Sounds like her life was at risk. She goes, women, women, you want women? I was like, yes. And I followed her through the woods with a bicycle. That's hilarious. I'm lucky I didn't get murdered. Like, after the fact, I was like, what the fuck was I doing? I went to, like, a Richard Allen housing project for this girl. Like, two in the morning.

Now, I want you to know, on housing projects, it's 98% chance of getting robbed, killed, or, you know, beat real bad. Right. But that 2% that I get laid was good enough. Damn. What I want. Did you get laid? No. I had to run it out. Because, you know, that project is dangerous. But we do. Every man should have a story. Yeah.

I'm about to get killed for no reason. Yeah, you gotta roll the dice at least once. Yeah. Yeah, that's all you have. I mean, the amount of bars I went into Mexico drunk going, are there whores here? You know, and just getting chased out. You took a shot. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I've done some stupid shit, man. Jesus Christ. The amount of drinking and driving alone I've done to chase some clams.

It's bananas. But you know what's cool about cops? Sometimes they'll get pulled over and I'm like, I'm going to meet a girl. I'm so horny. And he's like, get out of here. Keep going. They get it. Then a black guy tells him the same story. He's like, get out of that car, you piece of shit. That's funny as hell. I'm trying to get laid, man. All right, go ahead. Yeah. That should be a breathalyzer for pussy. Like, I just ate out a girl. All right. All right. I smell it. Yeah, how horny you are. Yeah, it's a horny breathalyzer. That's a breathalyzer.

A boot 2.8 and a guy. Yeah, that actually is true. You should get – if you can blow pussy in your breatharizer –

That should get you off because they know you're on your way home. Yes, exactly. What was I going to do? Stay? I just met this chick. I had to get home. Fucking hammered. I don't know where the fuck she lives. Good point. I'm sorry about the schoolyard. I'm going straight home. School's out of session. I sure drove to the playground. Oh, dude, the shit on the road, dude. The girls that, when I was a younger comic, that I went back to places with. Oh, yeah. Dude, I went to a trailer once.

Did coke with some chick till like 5 a.m. There was a bunch of dudes that were just there. And they ended up being cool. That's the weirdest. What the fuck, man? Like, it's just like dumb. Like, it's like. You did meth?

No, Coke. Oh, Coke. Meth. Well, I don't know. A trailer. No, meth is a drug. I know, but Coke sounds expensive for a trailer. Their life is not. Well, that was dumb, too. She's just like, I have Coke. Do you want to do it? I was like, yeah, sure. Like, it's just stupid, dude. Yeah. Is this a holiday edition? Yeah, yeah. No, we just dress like this on a Tuesday. Because I just got out of my stupid Uber.

And he's playing Christmas music the whole fucking time. Because it's Christmas time, asshole. Not right now. When did you want him to start playing the music? It was really annoying. What song was it? Have a holly jolly time. It's Christmas time. It's December. It's December 8th or whatever. It's the 8th. I mean... Well, when Keith took a Viagra, his heart grew three times its size. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Oh, yeah. Driving a pussy. Sorry. I'm still reminiscing. I'm married, so I got to think. Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night and I can't sleep and I'll just think of all the vagina. Is that weird? Yeah. I'll remember that gal. Remember that time. Yeah. We went to Brazil. Everybody know about that story. You, Patrice, Norton. Thanks to Kevin Brennan, we all know about it. Oh, man. It's you, Patrice, Norton. Who else? Norton, um...

Robert Kelly. Ooh, baby. And, you know, that's a heart of danger. Right. And for them. Now, that was insane to me that you guys would go down there. And then just the chances of AIDS and everything. AIDS. Take all the disease parts off the table. What AIDS? I did my bit. My dick has been on so many tours of duty. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It served me well. Being the honest. Being the honest. Black cock down. Sorry. Being the honest. You should call each other because all the pamphlets say 2 to 22 days for any VD. 2 to 22 days. 2 to 22 days.

So we would always laugh when we'd call each other and go, oh, dude, I'm on a 2 to 22 right now. You know? So Giannis started going. I'd call him and I'd go, hey, dude. And he goes, oh, shit, you doing a bid? You doing a bid right now? I'm like, I'm doing a bid. And then I started calling him. I go, bro, I don't know how to live on the outside anymore. I stay locked up at this point, dude. You ever get any STDs?

No clap? No gun? What? What? None yet. Wow. Yet. I mean, I don't know what the future holds, but no, not yet. I got four chlamydia. Four? Yeah, four. Wow. We talking this calendar year? No, no. Way back. How fast after you banged did the chlamydia kick in? Oh, you wait...

Are you waiting right now? I might be on a stint right now. Oh, boy. No, seriously, though. I'm just curious because I never happened. Like, well, you get that burn when you pee and a burn. But I'm saying how long after, though? Would it kick in? It didn't kick in two days, one night. When you get it, does it hit you immediately like, it was this girl? I know who did it. That's what I know. I was doing so much.

Me and my girlfriend, I think she had it from somebody else. Oh. And I ain't, so we didn't know. We just looked at each other like, all right, whatever. Wow. Because she could have gave it to me. I could have gave it to her. It's like an STD, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah. Who done it? That's great. So wait, you had four, is chlamydia the clap? Four chlamydia. Or is gonorrhea the clap? Chlamydia. Four. Four claps. Four claps.

Four gonies. It sounds like a Christmas carol. Four Clapp-a-rea. One HPV. Goni or Clapp? I think gonorrhea.

Because sometimes it takes a while. Is gonorrhea painful? Yes. I've never had that one. I heard there's a discharge. Yeah, nice little... Sounds gross. Pus shooting out. Oh. I was shaving with it. There was so much coming out. Woo. Woo.

Have you gotten burned? HPV, but it was... I had an outbreak, but it's gone. I mean, you can get it zapped off. But yeah, years ago. Oh, damn. But that's not really... Everyone has HPV. In the streets, we don't count that as... Thank you. That's some, you know, bullshit. The only one I ever had was the...

It's like the wart. I think we talked about this on Tuesdays. The wart thing, it's not HPV, but there's like a wart thing that you get, like kids get it a lot. And then you can get it just from contact. But it's not even counted as an STD. Like phylum molluscum or something? Yeah. Hold up.

That just sounds like an excuse you give your girl. No, everybody gets it. No, I would be honest. I would be honest. But I'm dead serious. The doctor that treated it said, she said, this isn't even categorized where you have to tell somebody about it. No, it's like a fungus. He's a cool doctor. It's a chick. It was a chick doctor. So I was like, all right. You know, it's a chick. So it's got to be okay. I hate women doctors. They get so preachy. And Philadelphia had the free clinic. So we went in there, you know.

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Moleskine is not, I mean, I got that from a fucking towel. I was living in Philly. That's what she was saying. She was like, this could be from a lot of different things. What was that? It's called, I think it's phylum moleskine. It's like a nothing, it's a whatever. Did your girlfriend buy that when you told her that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was a towel.

You got to get it burnt off. But that's why they were saying it's common amongst kids a lot because it's so transmittable. And they're like, you can get this from anything. It's not an STD. Or you might have gotten it from sex, but it's... That's a pussy disease. That's what I'm saying. I never had any real hardcore... You should have. Plankton from Water Column. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, the craziest is I thought I had AIDS. You know, your brain just goes crazy places when you got something going on downtown. And I went to the doctor. I was like, I got AIDS. I know it. And he goes, are you gay? And I go, no. And he goes, do you use needles? And I go, no. And he goes, you're fine.

That was a medical professional told me that. Oh, wow. Magic Johnson's doctor said the same thing. Didn't you get that crazy? You had something fucked up. H. pylori. I had H. pylori. You get that from eating ass. So watch out there, Keith. This sounds disgusting. Come on. You know how much ass I ate. Listen to this. What he got from it. This almost got me out of your ass. I'm a man, I told you. That's not a mustache. That's fecal matter. Why do you think I can't talk now?

That's from Eaton-Ass. That's not from Viagra. How does Viagra give you a stroke? Is it high blood pressure? I guess being on an airplane probably. Because they recommend that you don't take it while on a plane. I didn't read that before. I didn't know that either. Yeah. And by the way, taking it to get ready, you got the Uber ride? You had a lot of time to take it. No. When Apollo made an announcement, 20 minutes left of the flight, 10 minutes to the girl's house.

Total 30 minutes. That's how long it takes for a bag where they kick in. So you didn't think that from the moment you stepped off the plane, it would be possibly a full 30 minutes before you were inside of this room? No. When I stepped off the plane, I got off the plane, went to the Uber. The Uber there was 10 minutes to our house. I know. I'm saying you don't walk in and immediately insert yourself. I wanted to knock on our door with my dick.

Nice and hard. I guess so. I don't know. I thought maybe you have a glass of water or something. Nah, not that I... Keith is at the cellar like every night. It does make me feel guilty as hell when I cancel with a hangover and he's fucking walking in like this. Yeah, there's a lot of stairs. Keith makes me feel like I don't work hard enough. Well, we should make you feel that way too. No, you guys are stupid. Yeah.

This guy just doesn't want to be home. What are we talking about here? Guilty. True, true. Not wrong. No, Keith, I actually was saying this to Dante the other day. I was like, Keith's resolve is truly inspiring. Oh, man, I'm going to cry. Good, that's what I wanted. You know, this guy bugs me right there.

Oh, that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It just bugged me. I don't know what it is. Is it the face? Ian Finan. It reminds me of Ian Finan. I can see it. I'll take it. You don't like Ian. No, right. Okay, fair enough. Southgate just looks like Ron Jeremy after prison. They show those court photos of him, and they're like, he's got dementia now. All right, I go with that Ron Jeremy. Yeah.

Now I like him. I like you now. Hey, you're back. You've been initiated. I guess you don't want a cocktail. No pressure. A sweet wine. Do we have any wine? We can do that. No problem. Not a sweet wine, but a wine. A good wine. A swirl, as Keith calls it. Can I do another? Are you guys having a second? I'll do another. Yeah, yeah. Should we do another rum? I want to try the apple thing, too.

Could I have a whiskey not sweet, though? Just like a straight up and down. Gotcha. You know, maybe a little something in it, but nothing. Give him a Bodega Cat on the rocks. Guys, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Is Bodega Cat rye? Yes. I'm not. You're not a rye? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Bodega Cat, but I'm not a rye. I won't be able to drink it. Thank you. Thank you. Now, I wanted to ask more about that.

H. pylori? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was always... This is a fucking horror story. What did it affect? Crazy. Crazy effects. You get it from eating ass. It's fecal matter you ingest. I was shitting water. My tongue was sheet white.

I had a distended belly like those African kids in the commercial. Yeah. And I couldn't get it up. I was peeing foam. I had all kinds of stuff. It just felt horrible. I was tired all day. That's awful. Yeah, I was puffy. I got bloated. Pull up a picture of me at my Comedy Central Presents. That was... Oh! We're all adults now. It's time to ditch the old paper posters you have hanging on the walls with scotch tape.

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Do you recognize? It's a Christmas miracle. Marina, can we get you a cocktail? No pressure. No pressure. Yeah. Hello. I mean, I don't drink, but what kind of... Oh, my God. Look how bloated you are, Mark. That's how fat I was. Sorry. We're in the middle of STD talk. Mark got an H. pylori from eating butt, and that's... Look what it did to his face. Look how big I got. It's all just fat and swollenness. So did you stop eating?

No. I had to shoot while all fucked up, but hey, Marina, good to see you. Thanks for coming. Oh, that's good. Mark, didn't you say you peed foam? Yes. What? Yeah, because it's a virus. It just goes all through you, and I was like, I have AIDS. Do you know which girl did it? Yeah, yeah. Did you call her? No.

Well, it's not her fault. Her shit got in his mouth. Oh, yeah. It's his fault. I was the one with the spoon. So...

I guess it's not like an STD STD. You just got it from eating poop. Yeah. And it was back when that was hot, too. So I was trying it out. And I just got out of like an 11-year relationship. So I was going hard. When I got HPV, I remember thinking like a girl popped into my head because she was too easy. And you're like, well, if she was willing – I remember I was in St. Louis and she DM'd me after the show. It was like many, many years ago. And she goes, can I –

can I come to your room? And I was like, sure. I saw the pictures, you look good. And I was like, a girl that was that agreeable? I was like, it's her. Yeah, probably. Missouri and that easy? That's a recipe for fucking disaster. What do you think, Marina? You're a lady? I'm just thinking I never get laid in Missouri.

Really? Or after shows and stuff like that. There's never been an easy... This was Young Hungry Sam on the road. An easy guy. I never get easy lays. Really? No, and I've never HPV. I don't have it. Never given it out. You want it? You don't know that, by the way. What do you mean? You don't know if you have it. No, I have. Really? I check.

I get checked all the time. I think you only know if you have an outbreak. It's called you go to the pap smear. No, they can check women for it. They can't check men for it. Gives you cervical cancer. Yeah. Thanks, Joe. Sorry, ladies. I didn't know you knew that.

Yeah, no. I feel bad for women because it's like men carry it all the time and don't know they have it. Right. Come on. I don't feel bad for women. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. Why is your jacket not warm enough? It's 32 degrees outside. What? Why is your jacket not warm enough? It's 32 degrees outside. I got a car. I get my car and, you know. But you took an Uber. Uber.

Yeah, I got a car, though. Oh, you got a car. All right. So what do you do for the 43 minutes it takes you to walk from the front door to the Uber? You're going to get sick. You are such an asshole. He's messing with the handicap. How do you feel? Good. Great. You've got to easy out every time. Oh, that's not a red wine. What the hell is that? Is that apple? That looks like apple juice. Yeah.

Orange wine is pretty good, actually. Let me try. I'll try this. Try it. I've had that before. It's not bad. Is that natty shit? It's natural. It's natural wine, yeah. All right. It's good stuff. Ooh, thoughts? Love it, hate it, best beer? Marina would like a drink, too, Beer Jew, if that's possible. You drink whiskey? No, I don't drink, but make her a cocktail. Club soda with maybe like a... Bullshit.

Have you never drank? What? I can't have a club soda? I have a club soda with maybe like a lemon. Absolutely. Thank you. She smokes weed. I smoke a ton of weed, yes. But I don't drink. I stopped drinking years ago because it wasn't helping my workout regimen. If I like weed, I'd quit drinking.

Yeah, same. It's a shame. I don't like weed. Yeah, it's a shame. It fucks my head up. I feel like it's better for you. Way better. Oh, it's definitely better. It helps me sleep. It calms me down from my attacks. Who's got their own liquor? Yeah.

Yeah, they do. Bodega Cat Whiskey. Available online. You can have a good one for the holidays. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. Yeah, grab it in there. Are you guys able to sell this in New York yet? Nope. We're still working on it. And if anyone can help with distribution, we've got meetings coming up. But Mark and I are pretty incompetent in these meetings. We're clueless. We get right to it. We ask these questions and we're like, we don't know what those words mean. Yeah. We had a guy from Dallas really big time us. That was embarrassing.

Well, you guys don't know anything. No. I would love to do a big bodega cat event at the bar, but we're not allowed to because you can't. Oh, who's going to know? You got blow all over the place. There's blowers everywhere. Yeah, they're not going to worry about this. You're fine. Listen, if you guys want to do it, I would love to do it, but I don't know what the rules are. One of that whiskey cures what you had.

There you go. After you... There you go. Eat a good ass. Yeah. It is a cure-all. It's good for what ails you. But yeah, I had to go to a doctor and get a shot. Where'd he put the shot? He just shot me in the ass, but once I got the shot, it was like cleared up in one second. Really? Yeah. H. pylori. So you might just take a menagerie.

I tried all that. It was stronger. This is poo we're talking about. Are you joking? Are you saying that seriously? Keith is not a good doctor. A Benadryl. You got AIDS. Take a Benadryl. I take Benadryl all the time just to sleep. It helps. Just to knock myself out. It knocks you out bad, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I broke out with some shit.

And he gave me a Benadryl. Well, that's for allergies, not for... Benadryl is for allergies. Yes. No, I ate some shit, some food, and crab. I ate crab cake.

And my face is all swollen. Yeah, that's an allergic reaction. Yeah, that's an allergic reaction. No, but I'm saying he may have had an allergic reaction. To ass? To shit? I think we all do. You're not supposed to eat shit. No, which is weird because it's just from food. You know, how did it get from good food to poison? This is like Edgy Seinfeld. What's the deal with feces? It goes in one way. That is...

That is a good point, though. Thank you. It is weird how it's that dangerous. Yeah. It's just waste.

Well, it's waste, but it came from food that someone ate. It's fascinating. It's transitioned into something nasty and deadly. You ate some trans poop. Yeah, I guess so. Poop is trans, dude. Thank you. Caitlin Shitter. I couldn't find the joke. That's a nice drink. Oh, thank you, Beard Jew. Where do you bartend usually? Hi.

Well, let me know if you're looking for some shifts. We're hiring. Takeef Special, December 19th, Sony Hall. Make sure to go to that. There's Takeef Special, December 19th. Get tickets for that. It's going to be a banger. I'm thinking about Special Needs as the title because it's special. Special Needs. But yours is pretty good, too. I do like that. Thank you. What's the title? Different Strokes. Oh, come on.

That was right there for everybody. That's good. You got to go with that. Had two strokes, man. That's crazy you've had two, man. Two is wild. That's a good title. That's a really good title. That's really good. Yeah. Two of them. Yeah. Has there been a stroke special? You might be the Jackie Robinson of strokes. Wait, Ali Wong went pregnant. He's going to start the stroke thing. Yeah. Yeah.

right. Yeah. Josh Blue's like, why didn't I think of that? Hey, you know, I got like handicapped comics looking at me like, like competition. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah.

Well, Sinbad may be like, oh, he took all my material. Is he okay? He's got to learn how to walk and shit. It sucks. I love Sinbad. Oh, no. Funny as hell, man. He was so funny. It's sad, man. He looked like he was in decent shape, too. It's fucked up. It happens to people. You can't look at a person and say, oh, he's never going to have a stroke. Oh, yeah, Jamie Foxx. That's right. He was ripped.

So, Keith, you're ahead of all of us. I was ripped, too. Jamie Foxx, stop stealing Keith's act, okay? So, wait, that's what happened to Jamie? He had a stroke? They finally came out and said? I don't know. Is he okay now? That's not it. He's okay. They haven't said it yet. They haven't said anything. He was crying recently, though, this week. He was fucked up. About how he wouldn't want this to happen to anyone. Jamie Foxx might be the most talented entertainer. He's up there. Like, think of all the shit he can do. He's like...

I say it's Eddie Murphy. But he can't sing. Yeah, he can. Eddie can sing? David Alan Greer is also up there. Oh, yeah, he's a funny guy. Very underrated, I think, as far as that list goes. But Eddie Murphy, too, he had hit singles in the 80s. Eddie's really good. It kills me with Eddie Murphy.

He's so talented. I hate that he keeps doing these movies that are... I'm like, come on, dude. Like this Christmas movie that's out. It's like... He wants to be Disney. He's got kids. He's got kids. I'm like, this guy could... My friend put it so well the other day. He goes, this guy could literally do any... He could do action. He could do drama. And he keeps doing these like not even good family movies. And he has a little smile on his face like he knows...

He does. And then he goes on Kimmel and he's hilarious. He's like doing the interview and I'm like, he's so funny still. I thought with the Dolomite movie, I was like, all right, he's back. We're going to get Eddie again. And it was a fun movie too. Yeah, it was funny. It was great. And then it's just like, I don't know. I will say I agree with you, but I don't think he should do stand up. That I would stop.

I think he'll be funny. See, he was young when they first did it. Yeah. He's like 18. It's crazy. He's 21 when he did Delirious. He says it in the special. He's 21 or 22. That's insane. He's like 28 when they did Raw. Yeah. Wow. I don't even think he was 28, dude. I don't think so. What I'm saying is that young, he has a lot more in him.

But is he willing to go out and bomb and work it out? That's the problem. He's so famous. Can that guy work out anywhere? I don't think so. He said that's one of the reasons when he was hesitant to do it again. He said because you can't truly work out because you've got to worry that somebody's going to tape it and then you're going to get in trouble and whatever. You know what rich, famous people do do? Like in the Hamptons, they have their little shindig parties in their homes and stuff.

he could do something like that because I ended up in one of those. No, he's got to come to... It's not a good place to work out, though. It's not, but it's like the only situation he could put himself in is like a house party where it's like all the... Let him go to the grizzly pear. With the... Whatever that's called, with the bags, the phone bag. Yonder. Yonder.

could just do that that's true i mean that's what chapelle does chapelle yeah if the comedy store does that yeah but would they give him an honest reaction because they're like eddie murphy he can say anything i think after the first few minutes yeah okay this guy stinks right oh he's good they did that to robin williams when he came to the cellar really they gave him the first like and then you could see robin was like oh i gotta work oh

Whoa. I actually saw that circle in his head. Right. You need to lock up his phone when he's around. Oh, that's what I've heard. He's dead, man. Guy who's taking a shot at a dead comedian? Jesus. Yeah, I was going to say not anymore. When Eddie does shit in front of a live audience, like at his Mark Twain thing. Hilarious.

And again, like, he's just paneling on Kimmel. He's just riffing. And I'm like, he could 1,000% do Stan Lee. He'd be great at it. Absolutely. On Seinfeld, he was funny, you know, on the comedians in cars. Oh, yeah. He still has, like, all the same mechanisms that he had. He said something at an award show that had me rolling about the Sidney Fortier.

He said that his hair was not combed. He didn't comb his hair. Because they didn't have black makeup artists back then, so they didn't know how to do his hair, so it's all fucked up. But it was hilarious because he never had his hair combed. Any movie, whatever, Sidney bought his hair. That was hysterical to notice that. That's very funny. That's very funny. So he could do it.

But I don't think he loves comedy. Oh. Do you think the same thing goes for Steve Martin? Because I think he's another dude that could be a hilarious. Steve Martin does still kind of do it, though. Like when they do when he does the stuff with Martin Short, Steve Martin still does like like his whatever his new whatever his current version of stand up is, he will do it.

Yes. You know, when he hosted the Oscars, he did it. I was thinking Eddie was going to host the Oscars. And I was like, okay, we're going to get... And he didn't do it. I think he... I think those first two specials are held in such high regard that... For who? For just everybody. 48-year-olds? Yeah.

I mean, the young people don't know him. And what do you think about the amount of faggots he dropped? Would be joking about that in the current time. Oh, really? Including him getting caught with the trans woman. Yes. That would be my opening ten minutes.

You ever heard my old shit? This is how it starts. You can't talk like that anymore. And I would just do a whole fucking thing. But, dude, the guy's a global brand at this point. I think in his head, he's like, I did two specials. They're classics.

I'm not going to fucking tarnish it. They're not classics to me. To you, but I'm saying to the world. You just said they were great. I'm the judge. He does that. He'll go back and forth with his art. He didn't do stand-up on SNL. When he hosted SNL, he didn't do stand-up in the monologue. He wouldn't do it. No, he did, but he was doing jokes. No, he didn't. He had every black cast member come out. And he does have that little smile like, I know I could. That was on the Mark Twain thing.

Nobody mentions Murphy's special when they go to top specials. Yes, they do. I think people do. I don't know. This is God damn it, Keith. This could be one of these things where you're going to... They always talk about Raw. No, they don't. Raw especially. They always talk about Raw. Everyone talks about it. I mean, my relationship was broken up by Raw, but that's... Why was it broken up by Raw? Why? I was in high school and we went to the movie theater to see it. Whoa. And I could see, again, the wheels turning and...

As he was listening to him talk about women, I saw my boyfriend going, yeah, I don't have to be with you. And after that, he started dating other women because I wasn't giving it up. I was a virgin. I was like in high school. I was like in a V club. That's pointless. I was very

serious virgin back then. I was like, I was trying to be a good family girl. My grandfather always said... Sounds like a horrible dating profile, by the way. I'm a very serious virgin. We did. We had a club. We had a V club for Cross Your Legs Across America. And we were like, seriously, like, whoever's... But people started to drop out. Yeah, of course. They're human beings. That's slut shaming. Y'all think that

Raw was a classic. I'm saying it's considered a classic. It changed people's lives. I have a question for Keith. So, I was talking about this with Mark. We're trying to make a Mount Rushmore of comedy. We're going to leave out people pre-1980. Who's on your Mount Rushmore? Pre-1980? No, leaving out anybody. So you're out, Keith. I'm never in there. I'll go prior calling. Pre-1980.

No, they were around after 1980. You're saying they had to start after 1980. Yeah, they weren't doing their best work in 1980. You're allowed to put Carlin in prior. No, Carlin did his best work, in my opinion, after 1980. So Cosby, I guess. Cosby, 83, was himself. Yeah, you can. If you're just talking about skills. Can you put at least his sweater? No, I say Carlin, Cosby. Prior. What about Bing Crosby?

You said Vinc. No, not Vinc. Not Vinc Crosby. Prior post-80 is not the best prior. Live in concert. Live in concert is 78 or something like that. How about Live in the Sunset Street? Here and Now isn't great prior. Hold on, we need one more from the handicapped guy. Yeah, let the handicapped guy stop. Yeah, come on. And I'm going to piss people off.

Woody Allen. I knew he was going to say that. I love it. That's a great list. Woody Allen's great, but he didn't do stand-up after 1980. Shut your mouth. He's also 74. Let him have this. Wait a second. He didn't follow your rules at all. Woody Allen has one stand-up album, and it's still great. It's a masterpiece. It still holds up. Guess what? Himself, Cosby, still great. Bill Cosby himself is the greatest stand-up special of all time. It's an incredible special. Two of your Rushmores could be in jail right now. Yeah.

Allen and Cosby. Allen went to trial. Shut up with that Allen went to trial shit. He did. And he was declared innocent. Did it not happen? Who's seen that? What do you mean who's seen that? He was in the jury duty. That's what you make that show, Jury Duty on Amazon, but it's Woody Allen. He's just one of the jurors. Uh,

Keith didn't follow your rules at all. I did. Woody Allen didn't do stand-up after 1980. He's saying it's got to be post-1980. All right, post-1980. So you could say Carlin. I got Carlin. Carlin, Pryor, Cosby. Who's your fourth? Cosby's after 80. Yeah. Yeah, you could say Cosby. Himself is 83. Pryor did not do his best work after 1980. Shut up. Who are you to tell? You know what? He told you what the rules are.

what the rule is. I should break your fucking glasses. Pryor always did great work. Now, here and now stinks. Here and now stinks. No, Pryor was always good. Half of Sunset Strip is good. The other half is like, oh, who cares? I agree. It's got a lot of greatness in it, though. The Jim Brown story is incredible. Half of it is great. Half of it is who cares. And here and now stinks. Here and now, he's doing jokes about how cold it is in Chicago. I'm still going to say it like this. Pryor, I still got it. You can't. I'm not leaving out Pryor. Yeah, you can never leave out Pryor.

prior ever I that's never leave you out yeah who's your fourth um my for that Alan you said what yeah I'm gonna go Rock Chappelle Bill Burr Louie I'm gonna talk about some newer guy good one I love danger ah I was who do I but I'm gonna go um

Chappelle. Halfway Chappelle. Yeah. That's fair. Even lately? You put Chappelle over Rock? For specials, no. For comedy, yeah. Interesting. Well, Rock had two in the 90s that are, to me, are unbeatable. Yeah, Bring the Pain and Bigger and Blacker are nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Three years apart, by the way. Rock is still great.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. I hear him. What do you got to say now? I have great respect for Chris. I think he's very good. But that's what you're about to say. This is where DeRosa goes. I think Chris Rock's work is uneven. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to say anything that I wouldn't say about any comedian. It's not a disrespectful thing. I think Chris is still a great comic. I think, though, there is a fire you have.

on the earlier side of things that you just don't have later, which is why I would say, you know, do I like anybody's... I respect the fuck out of Chappelle. You know, I don't think Dave's newer specials are as good as the earlier ones. I think you said that for most comics. That's what I'm saying. So I think Chris is still a great comic, but I'm just thinking of the newer specials. I'm like, the fire in those first two and the hunger of, like...

A guy going, I have something to fucking prove right now versus a guy going, I have nothing to lose. I don't care. I've been on the road. That's a very different energy. I think you're right. I think there's a need to like... Like, Kennison's first versus his second, right? Yeah. Kennison's first is amazing. And after that, they're almost unwatchable. Well, it's just... I think you have 10 years on that first one or whatever, right? Oh, I love Kennison, too. I love him, but it's like... Kennison fucking...

You know what? Eat your apple. What about Mitch? Hedberg? No one's talking about him. I like Mitch. We're talking about guys passed away. I mean, Bill Hicks, I think like five albums and he's dead at 32 is pretty fucking insane. You said a thing about Bill Hicks, though, that I kind of disagreed with. What was it?

It was a very absolutist statement that anybody that criticizes him is a fucking idiot. My thing with Bill Hicks is this. I was a big, big Bill Hicks fan until I became about 35. And at that point, age... I respect Bill Hicks. He's an amazing comic. But age reframed what he did for me. And the older I got, the more I started to be like...

This feels preachy. It feels condescending. It's very much like, I'm right, you're wrong, and if you don't agree with me, you're a fucking moron. So you stopped liking him 30 years ago? Yeah. You know? And it's like Carlin started to teeter into that towards the very end. But, like, the best parts of Carlin...

are when, again, you watch Carlin. When Carlin got comfortable because he was so fucking famous in the 70s and he won these Grammys and everything and he starts in the 80s, he doesn't care anymore. He's comfortable. He's doing stuff about peas and all this bullshit and it's boring. And then...

He gets left out of the conversation and he gets hungry again. And then he comes back and does like jamming in New York and back and he's doing these. They're fucking incredible because he gets the fire again. And then that all is very successful for him. And then towards the end of his life, he kind of starts to be like, it's bad for you is a good special. You know, it's a good special, but there's a lot in it where it's very much matter of fact. Like if you don't agree with me, you're fucking wrong and you're stupid. And like, and,

I don't like when there's a lot of Hicks. I don't like when Hicks gets condescending, but I do think, Oh, when he gets preachy or pandering, whatever, but like,

Just in terms of pure jokes, I fucking love his jokes. And Natel said something about Hicks to me once where he's like, that guy, the way comics will go to like, you know, they think they're like truth tellers or whatever and they go to San Francisco and fucking, you know, Austin, right? Hicks was going at like the reddest part of Alabama and doing this shit. And I respect that. I respect it. I'd say...

Hicks in 84, 85. Oh, wow. And the comedy is Factor Outlands. Wow. But it wasn't that good. Really? He must have been a fucking, what, 23 or something then? Yeah, really young. Are there any women that you would put on that? Oh, shit. I have to speak up for my ladies. Who do you like? I think Wanda's funny. I've always liked Wanda. Wanda Sykes is... Her first one's great. Mom's Maybelline. Whoopi Goldberg.

Bamford's on mine. Bamford's great. Bamford's on mine. Whoopi is a stand-up. But I think of, well, I know she's more of a solo artist, right? One woman show. Does she ever do? Also, Marsha Warfield is one of my favorites that no one ever really talks about. But I love, like, Marsha Warfield was one that when I saw her doing it, she did it the way that I didn't see other artists.

women doing stand-up. It was very dry. It was very, like, it was just very, it was jokes. Look at, look at, look at, She didn't do that? I've never heard of her, but. Do you saw Night Court? Along the lines of what we're talking about. Look at Roseanne.

Roseanne was fire when she was broke. 20 minutes of comedy she had. But you see what I'm saying, though? Then she gets the sitcom. She was funny. And then it's not funny anymore because she doesn't do the fuck anymore. You got to go out. You got to work out. That's why I'm saying Eddie Murphy could struggle going out there because he's rich and famous and it's not the same. All right. No, but let me ask you this. Everybody in here, if you had the type of success Murphy had,

Starting out, would you still be popping out special? That's the question. Look at Jim Carrey. Look at all these guys. They're all gone. I barely work at it now. I got a little podcast money. I was like, yeah, fuck this. Leno is still going. He's got millions in the bank. I do love the road. I do love touring. So it's tough. I mean, like, fuck, Adam Sandler's still fucking touring. You know, Chris Rock's still touring. But Adam doesn't.

do comedy he does he does stand up he does he's on the road constantly he opens for us yeah he does the road constantly same with Rock well that's what's interesting about a guy that's what's interesting about a guy like Adam a comic like Adam versus a comic like Rock the type of comedy also plays a factor Adam Sandler can always do Adam Sandler jokes no matter what kind of money or because it's it's based in silliness like that's really at the core is the absurdity of it

Chris is a social commentator. So what he's going to talk about is my favorite parts of that new special was when he talked... Obviously, everybody was excited to hear him talk about the Will thing. But you saw, like, in my opinion, you saw, like, a vulnerability come out of him again that I hadn't seen in a long time. But I don't call him a bitch. You know, like, I was like... Tambourine, though, the divorce. Yeah, tambourine. Yeah, that's great. But when you said Adam Sandler...

He didn't have that type of success that Murphy had. Right. It was a stand-up. Yeah. Murphy sold out arenas and all this. He got everything up front. Yeah. Biggest movie star. Good point. You're right. It would be hard. And also, back then, it must have been fucking hard. I mean...

You see, Steve Martin's got the quote, I quit because of the Friday Late Show, right? Oh, I love that quote. Yeah. It's the best. And then he started playing music. He plays his little... Banjo. I did Prairie Home Companion with Steve. Really? Oh, wow. That's amazing. I took a photo. He was very nice. I took a photo with him. The person who was taking the photo took too long and he was like, take...

the pitcher. Oh. Because they were just like taking too long. But he was, he didn't do any jokes. He was completely into music. Did he take the V card? Finally. But. That's amazing. You guys are forgetting. What? What's going on with all these comics you're naming? Not one clean. Except for Cosby. What about the Regans? The Gaffigans? The Seinfelds? The...

the other guy well Cosby was clean Cosby was the only one you named I'll name somebody who's not clean who's on my current top five Cat Williams I think Cat Williams is a fucking beast so funny I love that Cat Williams makes me laugh like from my gut yeah and for as successful as he is and as I've just I'm like this fucking guy just keeps cranking him out no he's great god damn this one this special that's his best special

Also, don't forget Norm Macdonald. Honorable mention.

Literally eight seconds in we're all laughing. Yeah, and he just looks so he's four foot one. He's got a big funny hair Yeah, he's got a perm Pork face

*laughter*

You make someone laugh so hard they're holding their chest. I've never done that. He's pretty good, man. Yeah. Well, you know what's fun about him is he's in a packed theater of his fans and he's still delivering it like he's in a hell gig. He's sweating and he's bringing the heat. He's yelling. Do you see anyone early on, Keith, where you're like, this dude's not funny? And then years later, you're like, that dude's pretty fucking funny.

Mark is like, right here. Number one. Nah, I mean, because I know comedy takes time. Yeah. So you have to be patient.

But I've seen people who I said wasn't funny and remain not funny. Why'd you stare? You kind of stared at me like... Uh-oh. I felt like you locked in. No, no, no. Name names. I'm not going to name names. Dude, when I auditioned at the comic strip, they did a fucking American Idol type of... You two had my back. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, that's right. I was there. I remember...

the fucking booker at the time tried to be Simon Cowell and they were like videotaping it so he's like just nagging me and he's like oh I've seen that five minutes before I killed oh I remember that and Marina comes in drunk like fuck you that's not fair like Marina had my back oh I did I was out of control furious and drunk and on my side and they made me come back the next week though you gotta do a different five and audition again he was just trying to like they were trying to tape it who was the booker at the time J.R.

Oh, I was. I was so drunk. So then I come back the next week and one of the judges was Keith. Keith was one of the judges that passed me through. And then at my cellar audition, Keith was at the table. I remember I was fucking nervous as shit because it's like, I don't know, 2011. I'm terrified. And Keith just looked at me in front of everyone. He goes, look how scared he is. And everyone laughed.

I saw Marina once. Marina did a thing. You did a thing at the strip. I always hated the fucking strip. I loved it. Oh, I loved it. The performing there. I really... I'm not a fan. But anyway. You did a thing one night. You went in and the show was late. We both had spots on the late show. And you went in and the show was late. And you just left.

I called you and I was like, where'd you go? And you're like, the fucking show is 45 minutes late and I'm not doing this. And just went home and I was like, holy shit, you can do that? You just be like, no, fuck your story. I was early stages. I love that. I was like, yeah. Because that was one of the reasons I didn't like the club. That was one of those clubs when it was late, they wouldn't be like, yo, sorry, we're late. It was very much like,

Tough shit. It's the strip. Adam Sandler performed here 48 years ago. Okay, great, guys. Wow. And I've heard that story that you've told about you. I've heard it about Pete Davidson. I've heard it. I just felt like they really smelled their own shit in that place. Well, to be fair. And I had some of the best nights of my life there. I also had some of the worst fucking nights. I think that's...

to be fair to JR, just a little, I do like JR and the thing is, is I think he didn't understand the seriousness and the gravity of what he was doing. He was just having fun and I know, I remember that night, I was just angry that he didn't understand how important this was for you guys. Yeah. So, that's why I was like, no, no, we're not doing this. He was being a dick. Well, he was also, there's no room

There's no room for a booker to fucking do that. They all do it. No, they don't all do that. No, they don't. But you know what? No, they don't. No, they don't. End of the day, though, it did fucking prepare me for the business like that. That type of shittiness. We're like Esty at the cellar can be can be coarse and candid, but she don't do shit like that. No, she would never be like, but that's what J.R. was not really.

not really supposed to be the booker. Everybody hates one booker. One booker, I'll never... I read an interview with Chris Rock once when Lucian from the comic strip passed away, and in the thing, Rock said, well, he passed this person instead of me. And I was like, that never goes away. No. See, I never... Lucian just told me, he said, look, Kim, you used to be funny. Now you're just fat and jolly. What the fuck?

Jolly? Has he met you? What the fuck? But Keith never held that. You never held that. No, I don't. Because I'm like, all right. Fair enough. And what I'm saying is that's harsh, but it was a real criticism that he felt at the time. It might not be tactful. He's trying to call me fat Jolly. I'm saying, though, but you see what I'm saying? What JR did to you, a booker has no fucking place doing that. He deserved it.

You know what? You're right. I like J.R. J.R. really... I don't know why anyone... But it's funny or not funny. What do fat and jolly have to do with comedy? I know. I know. But, you know, Noam had asked me once, what makes a booker like a good... Like, what makes someone know and become a booker? And I go, well...

and why do you comics go to, I go, we go to whoever, because we know that the person who's sweeping up the room could eventually be the booker. Right. And that was J.R. Yeah. So J.R. didn't, he knew he didn't know. Right. He was just playing the role, and then, yeah, and then, yeah, it was off. A lot of people, he's stuck at being a janitor. Ha,

He's bartending again now, by the way. He's back. At the Strip. Oh, really? He's behind the bar. I'm going to go get a drink and not tip. People need it. Four Heinekens. Thanks.

I don't want to pay attention. They used to have free drinks there. I love them. Free drinks. That was RIP Vic Henley. Oh. He was mean to you young guys. I like Vic. I got along with Vic. I like Vic a lot actually. Some people he didn't like. Well, I like his energy. Every night, two shots of Patron. Yep. Every night, just drunk as shit at the bar, cracking me up. I love Vic. Yeah, Vic. I miss Vic. He was a good hang. There's very few people I didn't like. Yeah.

Well, there's a lot that don't like you, Keith. Except you. Vic used to always put my ex-boyfriend in check, though. He goes, you're not as funny as her, and you should know it. He would always do that. So that's why I... That's pretty funny. Yeah, he was like, and you're not as funny as her. Damn! Stop. Yeah. Well, yeah, it was nice that he put him in his place for me. He cucked him. What did Vic die from, a heart attack?

I don't know. Some sort of leg thing, like a clot or something in his leg. Oh, like aneurysm? He got hit by a car, I think, when he was drunk. And then... Oh, shit. R.I.P. Vic. I heard J.R. killed him. J.R. Damn. He made three comics judges killing, too. Lucian told me, when I auditioned for Lucian, Lucian took me in the office, and he goes, he goes, I close my eyes, I hear Big J. And he goes, and look at what you're wearing. Clearly, you don't care about your appearance. Ha, ha, ha.

They did that to me at the comic strip. Bob Wax did that to me. He goes, you're dressed like shit. He's like, wear a fucking polo shirt, for God's sake. Damn. I was like, dude, you look broke. Lucien told me, he was like, well, I can sort of believe that you have the continent of Africa on the top of your head. But it seems... That guy should have been a comic. He goes, you do a good British accent. I think I can place the area from...

Britain or England where you're doing it. And if I did hire you, I could kill like two birds with, you know, one stone. So I was like, he was great for those little moments. No, I love Lucian. He was, you know, he was a funny guy. A comedy seller. I mean, a comedy, comic strip one down.

I think it passed. Interesting. You need a good booker. It's like it really is. It needs somebody who gives a shit. It means the hang is good. Loves comedy. Right. Lucian loved comedy. Yes.

More than his family. I remember even as he was passing away, I would go to his house and take care of his cats and stuff. And he was like, I could give this to my family, but they're not worth it. And he just, but he loved comedy. He wanted to be around it all the time. He had the smile, just seeing people do well. There he is. That's very 80s. I started there, I think, right after he passed. I thought it was Freddie Mercury. Oh, you were there. Yeah.

Yeah, my first week at the Cellar, I was terrified. And Keith, you were hosting, believe it or not. This is how long ago this was. And you brought me up as Jerry Seinfeld. The crowd went nuts. They're all going crazy. And you go, I'm just kidding. It's this guy. And I fucking ate it. What the fuck is the matter with you, man? What the fuck is the matter with you? No. What is the matter with you? Well, somebody else...

Some of us probably stopped in. I brought them up. And then once, like, say, Dave Chappelle. And then somebody, I'm waiting for somebody else. Right. So we got greedy. We got more, yeah. You got more. That's why I did it. I thought it was like a lesson. No, no, no. Oh, okay. It's not like what you used to do. We used to host shows.

used to end on this one joke and you never considered the fact that I was next. Oh, here we go. When you would go, women fuck up fun all the time. Men, we laugh. Women, you fuck up fun. Your next comic coming to the stage. Marina. And I would go, I was too young to address it, but you didn't know, but it was like, you could see them going home. Women do fuck up fun. Yeah.

I remember bringing my dad to the cellar one night, and I don't know if I've ever seen him laugh quite as hard as when Keith was hosting. Marina gets off stage, and he goes, I used to date her, and she wears granny panties. No, he used to say...

She wore the worst panties. She used to have a bucket of panties in the middle of the room. And she'd just pick one out. And then I'd have to go on after that and have to explain it. So then I'd have to talk about my panties. And I made a whole bit about my... I tried to take my power back by talking about my own panties. Right, right. Like the N-word. Yeah.

He would stand in the doorway when I was on stage at the cellar and just go... Yes!

I feel like we're talking about Keith like he's dead. I know. He's right here. I'm here, guys. Keith has gotten soft. Keith has gotten soft. Whoa. Yeah, two strokes, you think? I was about to say, the strokes made you soft. Yes. I can barely talk. Yeah. Good. He can barely talk, and he's putting out more specials than you do. There's always a silver lining.

That's a good point. I remember I called you when you were in the hospital, or your son's mom called me. You were in the hospital. She goes, hi, Joe. I'm just calling because I'm here with Keith. And she goes, he's coherent. He can't speak, but he would love to just hear your voice.

And I go, okay, cool. And she put me on speakerphone. I go, can you hear me? And she goes, yes. And I go, I'm glad you can't talk. Sit there and shut your fucking mouth for once. Was she horrified or did she get it? She laughed. And he was like going like, Well, the thing when I could talk,

The speech pathologist was in there. She said, well, you know, you got to practice your words. Say them over and over again. I said, I got it. Let me make a call. I called Robert Kelly. He said, hey, what's up, dude? I'm like, Bob's a fat fuck. Bob's a fat fuck.

And it got better after that, too. It worked. Yeah, it got better. Liz said to you, because you said to her, Marina is a cunt. Ha ha ha!

Because Marina took over. No, I only did what the family, everyone said I was in control. Marina became Lucien and JR. She was booking my hospital calls. I was like, you can't just leave him alone right now. But I was also like going by what your baby's mom was saying. Don't call her baby mom. Children's mother. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

No, because you said when you had the first stroke, I remember, I said, how did you get your – because he drove himself to the hospital as the stroke was happening. And I go, how did you do it? He goes, I summoned all my evil. But the bounce back, because both strokes, I talked to you like pretty early on after it happened through recovery.

And like, you're bounced back to who you are truly at your core. Evil? Yes. It was so instantaneous. The first stroke was fast. But I'm saying you, even in your most incapacitated state during either stroke...

You still thought it was funny if we trashed you about it. That's what I mean, your resolve. It's incredible to me that you kept your sense of humor through all of it. There was never a part of you where you were like, no, dude, I'm not in a headspace for that kind of humor now. You were yourself constantly. That would make me sick. If I said that, that would make me so disgusted. It would have been understandable, though. I'm not in my headspace.

I'm just saying it would not have been like crazy if you had been like, OK, but imagine Keith being like, I'm triggered right now. This is really offensive. Well, that's why he's the real deal, because every comic in Brooklyn would make this a one person show and they would milk the shit out of it and they would have a whole special about how sad it is. You're going to go up there and talk about pussy.

You know? I assume. That is true. Yes. Yeah, Keith would have live tweeted his tragic journey and all this shit. Right. And there would have been articles. Please, Keith.

I've asked you this before. Please interview me for the part where you interview comics in your special. We have to talk about how great you are and how good it is to see you back on your feet. Please interview me for that. You're the first person I want to talk to about my magnificence. I just realized this is real shit. I realized through school and all that

I don't know how you guys were in school, but I was an asshole all through school, elementary, junior high. I picked on so many people. It's like, oh, fuck. I seen a video of this girl introducing me. She said this guy picked on me. She was a DJ. She was a DJ in Philadelphia, WDS. What?

I picked on her so much in school, she introduced me a while back. I seen a video of it. And she said, this guy messed with me and said I was fat and this and that. And he's a horrible comic. Keith Roberts and my old shit. But I realized how many people I fucked with in school. And I thought I was a good guy. But I never, you know.

any, you know, but I'm like, guys, when I said I was gay and all this, they all turned out to be gay, but, and just... You're a fortune teller. Yeah, no, but... We're trying to steer him in the right direction. We're trying to help. But, he goes, now they all turned out to be gay, but...

But I was in second grade. I didn't know. That's different. You know? What I'm saying is just like... Tell the Ralph Harris story. When Ralph Harris first started doing comedy and why his family hates you. Oh, here we go. Oh, Ralph Harris started, like I started in 84. He started in 85. And he said, what do I do to make it in this business and do what I need to do? I said, well, get yourself some knee pads.

Oh, geez. At the store. They laughed. That's nothing. Yeah, yeah.

But his family tried to trip me and all that. Whoa. Yeah, they... Well, because when he went to get the knee pads, I think, at the store, right? The guy behind the counter, he said, why are you getting... Or he told him he was getting it because he was starting comedy, and the guy just started laughing. Oh, my God. Because he understood more than Ralph did. That's hilarious.

Come on. But you do do that to people. Yeah, now he talks. Now he does, but he still has a little bit of a, even, you know. Come on. Patrice used to say that. He goes, everyone thinks Keith is sweet. No, do we? And then Patrice was like, and I get it. Yeah, Patrice got it because he had a bigger mouth. Yes. I whispered something to him. Send him out. I miss the, because we used to go.

I don't know if you guys... You guys probably never went. I missed the Patrice barbecues. Those were like... You know? I heard about them. It was just like the most...

legendary like trashings from the second you showed up to the second you left I mean it was so remember when Ramon Harris came and he had a hat on he took it off and he had a mohawk that was dyed blonde we kept calling him demolition man and like he like eventually like wait like he like went and sat in like the corner that's the thing you guys missed yeah the back table trashing yeah we showed up after why do you think that went away

That's what Treece died. Treece died, you know. I had a couple of strokes. But it also, too, the culture changed. It was like it just became a thing where it was like as the mainstream form of comedy started to become less the cool form and the cooler version of it was... The Brooklyn thing was seeping more into the mainstream. The idea of...

hazing just became sort of uncouth. Yeah, I tried it and the generation would start crying. Being hazed by comedians who you liked was different than being hazed to meet a booker who you didn't give a fuck about. Yeah, that's a different thing. No, yes, but it was... I remember when I first moved here, I lived with Oakerson

I remember like, again, Keith. Keith and Bob. I'm not being maudlin. I really, I owe so much to Keith, to Bobby. I helped you. I was about to say you, you fucking insecure ass. Let me get to you. God damn it.

To Marina. Like, they... I remember I was in the apartment that Jay and I lived in, and I was so depressed. And I was like, all these guys make fun of me and whatever. Oh, so it did get to you. It did. And he called Keith. And Keith's like, we do it because we like you, stupid. And he named, like, four comics.

And he goes, you ever hear us talk about them? And I go, no. And he goes, exactly. We like you, dummy. We see talent. Right, right. And it was if there was a mark of acceptance, if you got trashed. So as much as it sucked walking into like that murderer's row of which it true. I hate that expression, but it truly was. It was like you would go in the cellar. It was DePaulo, Keith, DePaulo.

Judy, Burr, Geraldo, Patrice, Norton, Colin. And it was like you would just get fucking eviscerated. Like if your shirt sucked, whatever. Some of them wasn't messing with people like that. It was me, Patrice, Voss, Norton. Yep.

Robert Kelly wasn't messing with people. Bobby used to trash me constantly. He was Handsome Bob. When Bob was Handsome Bob, nothing. I met him at the beginning of Chunky. Yeah, Fat Bob. Beginning of Chunky. Fat Bob was funnier than Thin Bob. Yeah, I feel like Fatter's always funny. Yeah, I miss Fat Bob. Yeah, Fat and Jolly. I don't know about this Bob. I'm glad he's not fat. This Bob is trying to be sexy. He looks like Brando in Apocalypse Now. What the fuck?

He does. Jesus Christ. There's a ceiling fan going slowly above him. What the heck happened there? Yeah, he looks good there. Yeah, what a hunk. Go to that bottom one, though. Holy shit. No, to the left. Yikes. That's Brando later years. The other one. Yeah, clearly. Yeah. I miss that guy. That's a funny guy. I want Fat Bob.

I'm sorry. He'll get there. Don't worry. He'll be back. He's coming back. Why are you talking like he's not coming back? We all know he's coming. It's like saying, ah, ah.

I wish that guy would go back to heroin. He will. Don't worry. Give it some time. But Marina, you said to me when we used to do the shows at the Boston and you used to have your own show, you were the person that said to me, and I was saying this earlier about Burr, and Marina was the other person that said this. You said, why don't you just be truthful about it?

your insecurities. I said that? Yeah. And it changed. That was such a great, honest time. Because whether somebody was your friend or...

somebody you looked up to or whatever everybody was so honest like with each other it was brutal I mean it would make you want to cry sometimes but it was great that's not brutal that's like that's her being helpful no but it's like in this day and age you can't you can but you gotta really tiptoe you gotta tiptoe around these comics like they don't they're careful like I I have gotten in trouble with some of the younger comics they think I'm mean really?

- Yeah, yeah. - You are me, Maria. - I was just doing what you guys used to do, or I would tell them what I would tell you or whatever, and I could see the water welling up in their eye.

I was like, what's going on here? Or they'd be like, can you just not do that? And I'd be like, oh my God, what's happening? Yeah, just figure it out. I go, this is how you get better is you learn from people who came before. Well, I was trying to sexually assault you and I don't know why you're being so uptight about it. Well, I heard a guy, I'm not going to say who, but he said the word cunt at the table. And another comic goes-

All right, easy with the language. Oh, my God, who said that? I'll tell you after. I'll tell you after. Why can't you say who said cunt? Why is that bad? You don't have to rat out who reprimanded them. I'll say it for you. Let me say it. Cunt. But I remember sitting there, and I was like, whoa, this is weird. You can't even say cunt at the table? Even having a guy back then like Todd Lynn, who's gone, who I had such...

insane clashes with... I remember Wayne Rader... He was just mean. At Stamford, New York, Wayne Rader pulled us outside and he goes, I will ban both of you from this fucking club if you don't stop. Todd was not a friendly guy. Like, we were screaming at each other. Like, I got into two, like, titanic fucking clashes with that guy.

Because he picked on me. He pushed my... And then later when he got sick, he still had the greatest slam I've ever received ever in my life. Oh, hit me. When he was blind, he walked up to... We were at Montreal. We were flying home. I was sitting at the gate and he walked up. He was blind. He had two canes. And he goes, he goes, Ugh, DeRosa, is that your awful voice I hear? And I go, yeah, Todd. And he goes, ugh. And I go, I got to be honest, Todd.

I would have thought you getting sick would have softened you up a little bit. And he goes, just because I'm blind doesn't mean you can't offend my other senses. Even on the way out, he was like... That is like a three... Yeah, that's a swish. That's a buzzer. But even having him around, and Todd pissed off a lot of people. Oh, yeah. And he would be proud of it. He'd be like, I'm a fucking villain. That's my... See, you don't know what you are. I'm not kidding.

Like, he was such a fucking cunt about it. But it was good. It was like, all right, you got this guy around. It kind of keeps you on your toes a little bit. It's fucking frustrating, but...

I don't know. There was something about being able to have a guy like that around where it wasn't like this federal case. Well, it's almost like the internet where there used to be gatekeepers and it was hard to get on TV. Now there's the internet so you can put anything you want on YouTube. Yeah, we need gatekeepers. But we need a little of them in the middle. I heard a guy in a basketball podcast. I forgot what player. I think it was Kevin Garnett said in the NBA now it's worse than it was in the 90s because they got rid of the goons and they kept the bullies. Oh.

That's great. I feel like the same goes for comedy. Yes. You need some of those dudes. Yeah. You do. You don't want too many, but you don't want too little. You need some. It's in the middle ground. What are you going to do? You're going to walk in the corner and you're going to go, that guy's a fucking asshole. Well, the goons keep the bullies in check. You need goons. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but there were guys. I liked all that. I liked the trees.

Even in Apollo. Yeah. They were good for each other. They were goons. Patrice and Apollo, though, had a genuine... Todd never... I mean, God damn, dude. Todd was... Well, Todd was just whatever. And sometimes people got their feelings hurt and they would apologize later. Like, Patrice would actually call someone up

Like when he when Angelo was at the table at the comedy seller's table, comedian Angelo Lozada, who I dated and loved. But Angelo is the sweetest man in the world. And he came to the seller table when you really could not sit there unless you were a comic. And someone who was managing told him he had to get up.

And he was so offended, he ran out and Patrice started laughing. No, no, no. Oh, okay. He said, y'all, y'all gonna let this happen? Oh. Yep. We took the sign, you know. He had a little placard. Yeah, put it in his face.

Beat it. The sign said, comedy seller comedians only. It used to sit on the table, which is no longer there, by the way. It's not there? I've seen people throw that in people's faces before. I have too. In my earlier seller years. Esty used to do it to me. When I sat at the table, like, I get out, Esty would go, uh-uh.

It was so fucking funny, though. I was like, all right, I'll fuck off. It was funny. My point is, though, Patrice went and Angelo ran out because he was so upset. Patrice ran after him. Patrice didn't run after nobody. He did. He loved Angelo, and he apologized to him. He was like, come on. He was like, you know I love that stuff. So he did. He loved Angelo. This is how sweet Angelo was. This is how sweet Angelo was. When Angelo was sick. Yeah.

Because he had cancer and I think he got diagnosed at like stage four. He got diagnosed late. Stomach cancer. I didn't know he was sick. I had no idea. And I saw him. He said he looked good. He's thin. Yeah. And I go, dude, you look fucking great. What are you working out? And he's like, you know, poppy, just living, you know, I'm doing what I'm doing. And then like a week later, somebody was like, you know, Angelo has like stage four. And I was like,

Jesus Christ, man. He's on his deathbed. Joe's like, dude, you're looking well rested. He was so gracious that he wasn't going to be like, dude, I'm sick. He just was like, thanks, buddy. I appreciate that. It's like Norm MacDonald. Yeah, it's wild, man. He was a really nice guy.

But yeah, Patrice, I loved Angelo whenever he would host at Gotham all the time. He was just good energy, man. Oh, the best. He was a funny dude. Very supportive and encouraging. He was the opposite of all those guys. He was very encouraging to younger comics in a way that he helped you with your bits. He told you what was funny. He told you what was good about you. Just all around just wonderful human beings. Nobody did that shit in Gotham.

You want them to get better? Smash. But some people weren't happy. I saw Ted Alexander, who I looked up to, and Patrice with the seller. I was super green. I stayed away. But Ted sat down at the table, and Patrice goes, look at this fucking sweater. What the hell? And Ted just got up and walked away. And I was like, oh, I didn't know he could do that. I didn't know he could just get up and leave. He was like, I'm an adult. Are you going to make fun of my outfit? I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

When you break it down like that, it does sound silly. Yeah, like it blew my mind. I was like, oh, I thought you just had to get yelled at for half an hour. It's like anything else. Of course. It's like anything else. You take the good with the bad. It's like, of course it went too far sometimes. Of course it was unnecessary. Of course at times it was juvenile. But overall, I felt like the good that came from it

was could be constructive if you were willing to take the time yourself to sort of filter through what was being said and what the value of what was being said. But everybody got it, though. Right. Nobody was sitting there untouched.

Yeah. Everybody got it. If you were in, you got it. If you weren't in, you didn't get it, which is why I found value in it. I was like, I'm part of this. I'm getting fucked. It is hilarious to be like, you're one of us, you ugly piece of shit. The best part of that time, too, was that Patrice and those guys

made fun of younger comics who were coming in and also liked these younger comics. Not all of them, but for the most part. Like Patrice, when he did his document, his video for his roast or whatever, he wanted to include like comics that weren't yet passed.

And nowadays you kind of see like a separation where it's like, these are the good comics. These are the struggling comics. These are the ones who aren't past. You stay over there. You stay over there. Where Patrice would always like, he would trash you, but he would say, come on over here and be a part of this. True. So that was what was good about it. And I don't know if you have that now.

Yeah, it's a good point. It's like inclusivity. You know, we say it, but it's all bullshit. Do you feel like Patrice was, like, really captured in his specials? Because I feel like elephant in the room he was, but I feel like there's other stuff that wasn't, like, didn't capture as good as he was. What are the others? Like his half hours or his, like, stuff like that. Well, he got... What happened, I think, as he went along, he seen what didn't work. Like, he didn't love his half-hour HBO. Right. But the woman from HBO...

Really? I watched it. I was there. Yeah.

Billy killed... I remember when I saw that that night. Billy... Patrice is great. Billy killed in a way where I was like, holy shit, this guy's about to be like... Right. Remember that half hour? The brunch bit? Is that pesto? That Bill Burr? Oh, yeah. He ended with the thing about going to MLK to see the black girl who's dating. I was like, this fucking guy. Danny Glover Boulevard. Or Frederick Douglass. What happened there? They sold bars...

Yeah. Yeah.

They give another thumbs up. All right. And that was elephant in the room. Yeah, yeah. That was a great special. Yeah. So he couldn't go down on that one. Yeah. I'm not going down. I mean, my mom likes Patrice. My mom's religious. She doesn't like when he talks about pussy and all that stuff. That's too much. That's too graphic. But anything else he does, my mom likes Patrice. Like, Patrice...

He was doing a universal... Strangely, for his polarizing, he was doing a very universal, in my opinion... Well, it was undeniable when you're that funny. Yeah. But I did enjoy him walking people out of comedy clubs. I have to say, I...

haven't seen anyone do it. The way Patrice would upset like a man with his wife, he'd be like, she's got you like this. Look at you. And I remember a guy just standing up. He's like, and he was in almost in tears. He's like, you can't say that about me. And he goes, I just did. And the guy just storms out. He goes, come on.

I know it's dysfunctional, and I know it's not good, but there was an art to that that I completely loved. But I think that when he did that special, he had learned a lesson that this one had to be it for. Yes. He could not mess up on this one.

I saw him at Caroline's. He did a joke about the tsunami. It was on the tsunami heaven. He did a joke about the tsunami. He opened with a joke. I remember this joke. Yeah, and he goes, it didn't look that bad. It looked like if you pulled your pants up, you'd be... These people from England walked... I've never seen anything like this. Within like 48 seconds or something of stepping on stage, he walked three people that were in the country from England visiting.

They went to the bar. I was out. I think I opened for him. That's why I was there. Or maybe I just might have been watching. But I was sitting at the bar while he was on stage. They walked out and they sat there and bitched about him for two fucking hours. Wow. How offended they were and how they were waiting for him. And they waited just to verbally accost him when he came out after the show. That's how mad they were. But Patrice never looked upset. He would always smile. He was dragged. They got so aggressive with him.

That they drugged... The security was dragging them, basically, or shoving them up the stairs at Caroline's. And as they were doing it, the woman goes, you're an embarrassment to America. Whoa. And the guy... The security goes, all right, you got to go, miss. It was that guy, Eddie. And Patrice goes, no, man, this is fun. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, he famously said that if 50% of the audience loves you and 50% hates you, you're doing the right thing, which whenever I have an under par set, I just tell myself that. Like, ah, 50% hated me. I'm like Patrice. Everybody in there has a little of that. You do and you do. But I see you guys, you can't take the chances. Yeah. You know. Oh, I walked some people last night.

It was good. Every once in a while, you do enough sex. You can't always have everybody all in. Right. You got to walk somewhere. And I get upset when people walk out still. I do too. I do too because it's not my intention. And I'm like, I don't know. I feel like if you're just listening...

With an open mind, nobody needs to walk out. Right, right. But it happens, and I'm always... I still have that thing in me where I'm like, all right, I guess. Yeah. You can't expect every crowd to like you, and when you do a shitload of sets, every once in a while, it's okay, you know? Right. Yeah, yeah. As long as your motives aren't to, like, fucking embarrass someone. Wait a minute, you said something about rape once in a while.

You'll have to be more specific. Yeah, you got in trouble. Yeah, you got in trouble for that one. It's such a joke, a clear joke. That's what's crazy. Well, you know, people, if you're looking for shit to be upset about, you could find it pretty easily with any of our acts. Yeah, true. I mean, nothing was said in any malice. It's just, you know, people are fucking bored. And this is like, this is their form of entertainment. I'm upset. I'm going to write a blog. And then you're like,

But I'm going to write something back and we'll do this little dance for a second. That's it. I'm that way in real life. Like I was saying I was at the Kiss show. We kept walking out of our seats. Me and Paul Italia kept walking out of our seats because my friend Nick was trying to get us closer to the stage and this whole thing. But these people that were sitting at the end of our row were getting really mad.

And I'm like, they're in the seventh row at the fucking Kiss show on the floor at Metis. We got our tickets for free. They probably paid like five grand for these fucking seats. I felt bad. And I went up to the guy and I go, listen, man, I'm not trying to ruin your night. Take our seats. They're better. Yeah. They're in the center. And we'll take yours. And we won't walk back. And he goes, fuck you. Get the fuck back. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to tell you. And he goes, get the fuck back to you.

And Paul was like, Joe, walk away. But that's how I feel with the audience sometimes. I'm like, no, no, I wasn't trying to hold on a second. Hold on. And they're like, no, we don't want to hear. And I'm like, OK, I guess so, man. Like, it's not my intention. Like, I just want to. It gives me joy to see him walk. This needs shoulder pads.

Oh, there we go. Am I getting too sincere? Sorry. No, no, you're good. I know what you mean, though, dude. Fucking whiskey. People are looking for shit to be angry about. They are. There's a lot of people. Well, can I change gears and go into peeves real quick? Sure. Right on that. Do you know we do pet peeves? I should have told you that. What is this, the Paul Verzi podcast? The bone to pick? Part of our thing. So does anyone have any pet peeves? Well, everyone here has them.

Yes. What do you got? All my pet peeve is Joe. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. Joe, what do you like better? Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? And fucks when you do that. Oh, wait. Are you talking about my podcast? Yes. It annoys the shit out of me. All right. All right. You're like ginger snaps.

on chocolate chip cookies. Shut the fuck up. I'll tell you what, I'll buy you something nice with the money I make on it. Get him a new cane.

Watch Taste Buds, folks, a show that Keith Robinson will never be on. I can't pronounce most of this shit. What do you prefer, Keith, Viagra or Cialis? Let's do an episode. No, man. Cialis, man. Keith, stroke number one or stroke number two? You've got to go with stroke number two.

We should probably wrap this shit up. All right, all right. Marina? Plug some dates? Where are you going to be? You got a website? Oh, yes. So, December 16th, I'm going to be at the City Winery. There you go. Headlining in the loft at the City Winery. Oh, it's New Year's Eve. So, then just go to the Still Stacks in February. Oh, all right.

Where are Stacks in February? If I had known, I would have worn a festive shirt. Still Stacks in February. I can't remember. Oh, Steel Stacks is a good room. In Pennsylvania. Sorry. Is it not on my calendar? It's in February. You're in January. Sorry. Look at that body that I used to have. Sam is going to light you up. Oh, you know what? I haven't put it there. Sorry. You know what? Just go and check out my podcast.

Friends like us. Or you could also, for the holidays, everybody, check out Single Black Female. I'm talking about woke, pre-taking over the woke word. What's woke? All right.

They stole woke. They weaponized it. Yes. There you go. White people steal everything. A black man. Me too. Scroll up. Sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, folks. Thanks for having me on the show, guys. I'm on my I Never Promised You a Rose Garden Tour. 2024, January 13th, New York. New York at the Gramercy Theater. I'm doing Austin, Texas. The old mothership there. Four shows, January 19th and 20th.

of January. And then after that, Nashville in February, Charlotte, San Fran, West Hollywood, San Diego, and then in March, Palmdale, California, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington. For all tickets and all show info, ticket links, whatever, go to JoeDeRosa.com, please. And please come on down to Joey Rose's. JoeyRose's.com. Get yourself a sandwich. Guys, Springfield, Missouri, Madison, Dania, Beach, Philly,

Some other shit. I can't read. That's a real tour, Joe. Dallas. When's the special? Oklahoma City, Omaha. Your fucking knuckles will tore your teeth. New special in Boston. March, I believe, 7th and 8th or 8th and 9th. I can't read that shit. But it's samorell.com and new special coming soon. Yeah, marknormancomedy.com. You can see the dates coming to Shreveport and fucking Phoenix.

Austin, Raleigh, Atlanta, Salt Lake City, you name it. Tucson, El Paso, Albuquerque, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse. Yeah, Mark, get some Bodega Cat. Bodegacatwhiskey.com, folks. Thanks for listening. We love you. Have a Merry Christmas. Keith! Yeah, my special. The September 19th? Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. I just stepped on you closing on your own pocket. I'm so sorry. No, you're not. You're not sorry. No, I am sorry. I just... I feel like... We'll do a clip. We'll do clips. We'll do clips to plug Keith. Now we fucked up. I thought this was... I thought this was coming out earlier. 17th. Yeah. Oh, oh, this is after his special. Yeah. Oh.

We'll plug it on social. We're going to sell it out. No, that's all right, man. Nobody cares. What about the pet peeves? Well, we ran out of time. Unless you got one. Give us a peeve. I do have several. Give us one. My pet peeve is when my super mops the floor from the fifth and he leaves the water on the floor and then he goes back up to mop it.

Oh, weird. That's a weird. I was a janitor. That's a bad move. That's my pet peeve. Like, if you mop the floor, like, dry it immediately. You got to sue this guy. I had an argument with Pepito recently about this. So, please, if you do this, make sure it's dry floor. Pepito's listening. Yeah, Pepito gives me a... I'm peeved at your pet peeve. Oh!

I could fall. I'll sue. Alright. Thanks for listening, guys. Pepito, we got you someone to suck on there, dude. Appreciate it, Beardjuice. Thank you, Salamanca, Matt Peters. Merry Christmas. We love you guys. You might be drunk. Happy holidays.

A lot of them on the good list this year, so I'm going to have to deliver some more presents. It was wonderful to see you. Oh, hey. Even you. Someone plug in Kevin Spacey GPS.

So you got the original sweatshop over there in the North Pole, huh? Yes, it's very nice. It's nice cheap labor. Yeah. And you just have to feed them some milk and cookies that I take from the houses that I come to. So it's pretty quite easy. A lot of people think that I eat them, but no, instead I bring them so I can get some food later. You know, I just remember when I was a kid, I saw you fucking my mom. Yes, that was very nice.

Have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas, okay? Merry Christmas!