Ep 156: Tim Dillon
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Let's open with that. That was good. No, no, don't open with that. That was perfect. Yeah.

You heard that, Rosebud? Yes. Thank you for having me. Thanks for doing it, man. Good to have you. I love being here. I know you're a busy guy. Not really. No? Well, you work a lot, and then there's lots of hours of not working. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what we all do, I think. That's ideal. That's how I like it. I like to go hard and then just really veg out. Right. Get a Whataburger and a nice steak. That's right. You eat high end. We do. We do well. All right.

We do decently well. We were at the stand last night. A lot of hospitality there. Oh, my God. The food. They put everything out for us, you know.

My agent is also a man of size. Justin. Yes. He got fatter. He's big. And then the owner of the stand was there. I remember we were all free agents at the same time. Yes. I remember that. During COVID, we were all agentless. And I remember taking a walk with him. And he was not big then. No. COVID really brought out people's passions. Yeah.

Whether it's fentanyl or pizza. Right. I like dressing dogs. Yeah. Whatever you were into just during COVID, it really went nuclear. And I think he's having some success. Some guys get a nice suit and a car. Some guys get fatter. He's doing great. He's a good guy. He's got a hot wife. Really? Yes. Wife's gorgeous. I don't believe it. I believe. I'm telling you. Pull her up. And he's doing good. His people are doing good.

You know, and so I think he's a happy man and...

Chris was very nice to send everything out. I mean, you should have pizza after pizza. I was crazy. We were calling comics over. Just please. These open micers, they haven't eaten in weeks. It was like Auschwitz. They all left and were like, thank you. Thank you. It was great. You don't know how many kids, or not kids, but younger comics text me like, that was amazing. Hanging out with you guys. It was nice. No, it was fun. That's what the festival's about is like people just hanging out and

Remember they used to do that big Caroline's party where they do the free food and everything? That was a big party. You want to talk about someone who looks great, by the way, is Caroline. She looks still. So hot. Would you still fuck Caroline? Amazing. Guilf alert. Yeah. Yes. I saw her out east. It's got to be late 60s. She looks stunning. Stunning. That's ridiculous. She looks great. Wow. Yeah. She's like a Sophia Lorenzo. She was at my show on Saturday and I was like, who is that hot chick? Whether they are women or men.

They all look kind of like Patrick Milligan. Whether they're women or men, they just kind of mold into that eventually. It's their final form, right? Yes. It's their final form. They just get there. It might take a while. There's varying degrees. But they get there eventually. And Caroline just looks like just a hot. Well, she was smart enough to close it. Yeah. She's like, I'm done with this shithole. And I'm done with that. What was that gay guy who had the little dog? Lou Ferrandi. Yeah.

I thought you were setting me up here. Yeah, Lou Ferrando was a fucking class. Literally would walk up to every, with an earshot, every comic, you're the best comic in town, kid. I'd see him walk up to Joe Mackey, you kid, you're number one. Go up to a homeless guy outside, you got the goods, my friend. It would just blow smoke. But I needed that energy at that time. Two years ago, we were thinking of doing the Apollo Theater, by the way, in the height of like the George Meade.

And it was like the worst idea. Like my agent called me and goes, how about this? Because he probably wanted to have chicken and waffle. So he goes, how about this? We have the Apollo Theater on hold for the festival. I go, oh man, this doesn't seem like a great idea, right? Like it seems like the worst idea ever. It was like me in the Apollo Theater, I think in like 2021. It was just like, and I think Louis Veranda to his credit was like, we're not doing it.

He's like, we're not doing that at all. That's the real problem. He's doing the Iron Dome. It'd be the same thing. He's doing the Iron Dome. We're getting a lot of mileage out of that one. Have you done comedy in Israel? I was supposed to do it in April. Oh, sorry. I'm still going. I got a good feeling. You'll still do it. It'll be good by April. Come on, you're in. It's winding down. It's coming down. Yeah, you're fine. I just go by tweets, so I don't know what's happening.

It's happening on the ground. It's even worse. It's hard to sustain. You can't sustain. Remember Ukraine? Oh, the war. Like in the beginning, you know, they're singing. SNL, there's folk songs. And the people are like, you can't. I mean, eventually. I really thought Hillary doing Hallelujah, that was going to turn it up. Oh, yeah. That was fucking brutal. That was weird. I love Leonard Cohen. I'm like, this is how you honor him? I thought it was the last thing of that. And I thought I was totally okay with it. I'm like, oh, it's a postmortem.

Okay. And then you woke up the next day and it was like more of it. Yeah. And they're like, no, it's Hallelujah forever. You're like, no, no, no. We have to. I know. I thought what Pete did was fine. I was like, that's like a sincere moment. That's like a tough monologue that week. That was good. But it's hard. Yeah, it's hard. And he does have experience, you know, with the whole thing. Yeah.

He does. It's a tough thing to go out there that week and go, hey. But remember the old SNL? Remember after 9-11 happened, Rudy Giuliani hosted? He was like, what did he say? Can we be funny? Or no, Lauren? Somebody came out. And he's like, why start now? Rudy Giuliani was funny. Oh, yes. That was funny. At least he's a joke. But he used to dress in drag on SNL. Didn't he do a bit in drag, Giuliani? Rudy? I'm almost positive. With Trump. Pull it up. With Trump. I mean, this is how crazy the country's gotten now.

where, you know, that was funny back then. Everybody was laughing. Yeah. And now it's all splintered, you know? Yeah. In 2003, Osama bin Laden hosted. That was hilarious. It was great. He was good. He was a good host. He bombed. All right.

That's a very different speech. Very different monologue. But I mean, it's just a fun... Did I ever tell you that I went to like a summer camp with Rudy Giuliani's son when I was like... Oh, there you go. He tried to kill me. He tried to drown me. Really? Yeah, we were like kind of cool for like the first few minutes, and then I think I called him fat or something. I said something shitty, and he held my head underwater. Like, he was a strong fucking kid. Whoa. I mean, you look him up, he's like... Listen, to me, you're just explaining Israel and Palestine, right?

You were both in the wrong. He had a little size on you. But everybody kind of learned their lesson. He had the American government on his side. He had a couple more billion. I had these eyebrows. Yeah, for sure. It was complicated.

But there's Andrew Giuliani and I believe Chris Farley played Andrew. Yes. Yes. Killed it. Really? Yes. It's fucking hilarious. Andrew Giuliani is a typical sociopath politician's son. Right. Like if you see the eyes, like there's eyes that you just can't. God, Farley was fucking amazing. Oh, man.

Kevin Nealon, unbelievable cast. It was amazing. It was a hot show. Remember, you looked forward to this. You ran home. A braver, better future. He looks like Andy Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I guess Andrew is joining me here. I was the law and order candidate, but today I'm the people's mayor.

I mean, it's one joke and he's playing. He's amazing. Committed. When he does Newt Gingrich, he goes to the Congress and Farley does Newt Gingrich in front of Newt Gingrich and all. It's amazing. Yeah. I've never seen that. Yeah. He does Newt Gingrich in the Capitol Rotunda. It's crazy.

And it's just like you have everybody there. Oh, I have seen this. It's great. Yeah, it's amazing. It's just like... He just oozes funny. He just oozes funny like whatever he does, wherever he goes. Even his movies that missed are still funny. Oh, yeah. Almost Heroes is a funny movie. Yeah, Beverly Hills Ninja. Yeah, Beverly Hills Ninja. Look at this. This is already funny. I'm dying. It's amazing. The white hair. It's so fat. It's great.

Newt, Newt, Newt, Newt. Imagine killing there. That's the hardest room in the world. There's no harder room. When we played the Dangerfield for Ronald Reagan bit, I mean, just annihilates. Annihilates. And it's like, it's kind of amazing. It's amazing. What a hell gig. This is a huge turnout. My God, thank you. This is great. Look at Newt, front and center. I'm reading a few new books right now. You might want to be here today.

They're all standing. It's great. See, you could never do this now with Biden. They wouldn't let you do it, which is sad. Let us be funny.

Also, for those of you watching the NET, open your textbooks. I think he starts, like, passing legislation. Oh, fun. They have a great... There's a clip of Artie Lang describing what it was like to roast Donald Trump, and it's fucking...

Artie Lang, it was on Seth Meyers, I think, but he's just talking about, he's like, you know, we're roasting him and we're talking about it on Howard Stern. And Trump is like, you were the best. You had the set of the night. And then Artie tells one of the jokes and he goes, he bombed. He was terrible. He bombed. He wasn't funny. He just can't handle it at all. Yeah, now it would be tough.

To roast, like to get everybody together. Oh, yeah. And I guess the White House Correspondents Dinner is the closest thing. But like, you know, even then, that seems to be on eggshells more than it was. Oh, yeah. You got to play ball. Like that was the Republican committee. Your agent would go, don't, it's Republican, don't do it. Right, don't do it. But it's still a cool, funny thing. Oh, it's so cool, dude. But it's your country. I think it's, I mean, the way Norm used to do it, the way Colbert did it back in the day. Yes, yes. I mean, it's cool to find a...

a way to bring it together. I don't know. Yeah, funny should be all encompassing. That's what comedy is and that's when you see it in its purest form like that where it just, it leaves a comedy club, leaves a theater and it's just raw in the world, right? Yeah. And you put it in the world, like USO tours are amazing because you're like, you're in front of like servicemen who are like,

desperate for entertainment they're out there they're some of their friends are dying it's like an amazing environment and you're bringing them entertainment you know and everyone talks about how great those shows are everybody I've never done them but everyone goes like they're amazing shows everything like that

And it's amazing. Anything political, no one ever says that. Like nobody's ever like, this is going to be great. Right. This will be so much fun. It's at the Bethesda Country Club in Maryland. No, you're going to love it. No, you're going to love it. It's the teacher's union and you are going to, it's never like that. Well, it's people who need comedy versus people who are inconvenienced by your presence. That's right. That's really what it is. I remember I did a Wounded Warriors thing on a New Year's one year and it was,

the best New Year's gig I've ever done. They fucking laugh at everything. Yeah. Attell is really like the master of those gigs because he just knows, he's like nothing political, just dick jokes. Yeah. Silly, you know. Make everybody laugh. I bombed it hard at one of those and I was like, this crowd's ungettable. They're way out in the Hamptons. It's crazy.

Country club. Super rich. They hated me. Voss went up after me, and I was like, good luck. They're worthless. He gets on the stool, and he's like, what's wrong with your face to some lady? And it's murdering. And he just keeps hammering them. Look at you. You got your money. You're only blowing him because he's rich. All this shit. And it was gold. And I was like, all right. That was a lesson. It's like when a street fighter just knocks out a boxer. Yes. That's Voss. He's just so good.

Quinn called him the master of the counterpunch. That's what he is. You Barbara Bush looking cunt, you know, just spitting everywhere, killing. No, I've seen him. We did, I opened for him. He did an AA special, which has still not been released, which is amazing. And he did it in like the Huntington Melville Marriott. Yeah.

in Long Island like the Huntington Hilton. Of course. And he just murdered and it's just an AA group and they're in there and they're all sitting in chairs and it's like, and he just, again, murdering, going through the crowd like one by one, like boom, boom, boom. AA's a great crowd. AA, cops, firemen, all great crowds. And Voss has done those gigs for years. I remember when we did that Joker's Cruise. Remember that? Yes.

After one of the shows, one of the gigs I was on, it was with Voss, and some lady walks up to me and she goes, you were our favorite. And Voss goes, oh yeah? Well, your other friends are prettier than you. I was like, oh my. He was so fucking funny. We get stranded at the airport after the gig. It was like, he had status with United or something. He gets on, he's complaining for like 40 minutes straight. He gets on a flight in an hour. I'm there for seven hours. It was a horrible day. But some guy...

like insults Voss and Voss just turns to him and just goes look at your fucking face and just starts destroying this guy like a crowd gathered around and I can only imagine what's going through a person's head Voss is like biblical it's like there's like he's like a guy who's always ready to like unleash a prophecy in the direction of another person who's wronged him

He's always ready to just pivot and just start laying into somebody. And the best is at the airport, he even opened his suitcase and sold CDs. But it's also your Bonnie who's also amazing and quick and sharp. So funny. So those fights have to be like the most entertaining things you've ever seen. All those kids get a front row seat. Right. I mean, until the hitting. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, those gigs. Those gigs are...

They're kind of over. Like, have you done one of those in a while? Like a rehab gig? I have not. I just lost out on, I was supposed to do a fundraiser tonight for Joe Torre, the Yankees former manager. Oh, wow. And I lost out on it. Joe Torre messaged my fucking agent and was like, I love his stuff. I'd love to have him on the show. I see my agent on Saturday. I'm like, so you didn't send me the details for this Joe Torre gig. I can't wait. And he goes, you lost the gig. I was like, how? He goes, his wife hated you. Oh.

Welcome to comedy. I was like, what a fucking, what an up and down. That's comedy. That's crazy. I know. I lost a fucking benefit gig. I'm not even getting paid for this. I was going there just to be like, I get to meet Joe Torre. But she's never met you. I know, but she saw some clip. I just wanted to know the clip that upset her. I want to know too. Any clip. Any clip. Probably. The one where you call women retards? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It was probably her. Like, she probably watched it and like she probably was like, this is a good opportunity to exert my will. Yeah, exactly. You know, exactly. He's got his dumb Yankees and all his shit that he does. Let me, you know, like show that I can flex.

I have power. I hate the comedian. I had the same thing. I did a corporate gig in Philly, ballroom, nice hotel. They put me out in a limo. They bought me a tuxedo. The whole thing, crazy money. I had to host the pharmaceutical awards. That was the whole gig.

So I'm up there for like three hours with cards and like, give it up for fucking Zoloft. And it's a round table. So it's three hours. I memorized. I had PowerPoints. It was music cues. It was a whole Oscars for pharmaceutical drugs.

And this, I'm doing my first 15 minutes clean up front. I did one joke about vibrators. The lady comes up to me with the head thing, you know, and the clipboard. And she's like, you're out. I'm like, what? She's like, the wife got mad. The CEO's wife got mad. I'm like,

I came here to limo. We got two and a half, two hours and 45 minutes to go. She's like, yeah, Bob's going to do it. I was like, all right. And they sent me home. I got paid. All right. But it was all because the wife got offended by a vibrator joke. It's always the wife. Yeah. Well, it's always like a tough, like I did a fundraiser in long Island. It was a cancer thing. Like I had no idea what it was.

And they booked me and they were honoring a young girl who had passed away and they had a lot of music and they figured we'll get a comedian. Yeah. And they were just do it was this fundraiser that raises money for people with cancer. And it wasn't like about specifically this girl, but like her mother was there. Why don't you say a few words?

And then she got up and she's like, you know, during whoever's battle, you know, this foundation was with us every moment, everything like that. And then literally five minutes later, I was doing bits about frozen yogurt. It was like a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. You're in a nightmare. Yes. And you're looking at people. And you're doing the clean set. I'm doing a clean set. You can still see the wet faces from the tears. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

In the audience. And you're like, this is the worst. I did that one was a bad one. And then I did, I did the Bethesda country club, which was actually okay. Yeah. And I just called them all, you know, cause they're all just military industrial complex, like defense contractors. And I was just, I made fun of them and they kind of rolled with it. Cause they're all morally compromised people. Sure. That's why I like doing comedy in Washington, DC. Yeah. I think cities with, with, with tension are good. New York has the tension. It's the layouts, the way we all live. And then it's like, I think,

Boston has that class tension and race tension. Yeah. And D.C. has that. It's just morally compromised. Everybody there. Chicago. Those are like the best cities. Yeah. I love those cities because they have like that that pressure that's running under that Ghostbusters to molten slime river that runs under the city. Yeah. You like that's what I you know. D.C. has the most of that. A lot.

of it you ever hear the Jonathan Katz joke where he goes I just did a benefit for the survivors or the benefit I did last week oh that's great that's a great line he has some great shit he's funny he's a funny writer

I hope he's all right. I think he's MS. I didn't mean to bring the room down with that one. Well, we'll do a benefit for him. How old is he? I can't be that old. Although he's in a lot of old David Mamet movies. Really? He co-wrote House of Games. What? MS can also be very mild. Yeah. Hmm. It's not bad. Well, it runs a spectrum.

I see. Did you watch Dr. Katz growing up? Oh, yeah. Well, he's 76. Okay, he had a run. Hey. Yeah, he's doing all right. Was that the ice bucket or was that something else? That's ALS. ALS. That's the worst atlas. Yeah. Really? That's Lou Gehrig's. Yeah, because that's Lou Gehrig. That's like a five year it's over and it's not good. It's like a tough. Right. But then the MS is more of a spectrum. That might have been the last time the country came together on something. That was the last. And it also showed you the dumbest activism ever. Yeah.

Like, it was like, no, no, no, I'm doing this. It's cold. What do you want from me? I'm suffering. It's cold, I'm in my backyard, and we're doing this, and, you know. And it turns out it's good for you. Now Rogan does the... Oh, that's true, that's true. We were all just... That ice bath is hell. I've tried it. I got into Rogan's. I got, like, a toe in. I'm like, fuck this. This is stupid. He loves it, and he's like, he braces himself, and he gets in, and he's like...

Yeah. I can't do a cold shower. That's like the last thing I look forward to in the day. I can't lose it. Supposedly the people that do the ice bath say that you are high after. That's what I hear. You are like high. Look at the demonic face on the guy. Yeah. I mean, look at those nips. Holy shit. That seems like it might be edited, but maybe not. I hope so.

But that's how you get out all the online hate. People come at the guy so much. So much. You've got to do a bath. Yeah. It's like a baptism. You've got to cleanse yourself. It's hard. I mean, the internet is mean. Sorry. You do. I do see you post the pictures of the good meals on the road. Is that like... Sometimes, yeah. We...

usually there's a place that we've now been or I've been multiple times. So like, I know the people there. Like now, you know, like you go back to like

Sydney, Australia, and you have like your spot or you go to Auckland, New Zealand, some crazy, you know, or whatever, Denver. But like, yeah, now you have the spots where you like know the people and you're like, oh, this is good. Cause in the beginning, when you're in the road, you talk about this a lot. You're walking on the side of a, on a, on a street. Yeah. You're,

Cars whizzing. Maybe Ubers don't come and you're like, why am I going to get an Uber? The Bob Evans, I can see it. Yes. So I just got to walk on the side of this highway like a heroin addict so that I can sit in Bob Evans. People die that way. A lot of people are like, oh yeah. And they should. That's also the way you should die. There's no way that you should live if that's the way you're living.

That's how Bill Hicks went. I don't know if you knew that. Yeah. They said it was cancer. Yeah, don't buy it. But it was, you know, so then now you can go to a nice restaurant. The road's different now because you can go to a nice restaurant. You can stay in a nicer hotel. You don't have to be. I mean, you know, we used to stay or I used to stay. And I'm sure you guys did, too. And like, you know, whatever you could extend and stay America or whatever was there.

Residence Inn. Yeah, they'd put you up. The bigger the hotel, the worse the hotel. Yeah. The bigger the room, you're like, well, if it's got a fridge, this is for a divorced man. People are living here. People are living. When you see the U-Haul in the parking lot, this is a fucking sad weekend. Well, it's tough. In San Antonio, I remember I was doing the old improv, which was on the third floor.

or fourth floor of the mall it was not lol it was the old river center i remember that improv and i i went in and i they were like he goes there's nine people we're not doing the show and i'm like all right damn nine's pretty good then he goes like this he goes i got great news i'm like i bet it's not great news he goes there's 13 and by the way the room sits 400 yeah there's 13 we're good to go he goes i just spoke to everybody we can do it so we did it was fun it was fine but it's like

After that, you would walk from the San Antonio Mall, you know, under overpasses. Oh, yeah. Back to this really shitty whatever it was, Residence Inn or something.

And you go, and I'd been sober then probably like five, six years. And I'm like, this is the life of a junkie. Oh, yeah. That's what's funny about early comedy. You're like, oh, this is exactly the life of a junkie. I'm walking under an overpass to a shitty motel that people are living in. And hopefully don't kill myself. Yeah, and hopefully don't kill myself. And then Bobby Kelly's texting me what cinnamon bun I can get. Yeah.

He would text me. It was like the worst support system ever. Bobby would call me. He's like, dude, go to Lulu's. They have a two-pound cinnamon bun. I go, oh, well, that's so good. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That seems to make sense. Yeah, well, it's like another junkie calling a junkie. Like, I know the best spot. And then you eat alone when you're on the road. Eat alone. Oh, yeah. So you're just sitting there. Well, you can't bring someone at first. So when you start headlining, you're there solo. But it's fucked up. And I look back. I'm like, that's when I got my best writing done. Because I had that. It's true. It's when you're the hungriest.

And you need it. And the feature can't come with you because he's 45 and has a day job. Right. And he's like, do you mind if I sell these beer koozies? I'm like, no, no, no. You do what you have to do. You always hear stories about the guy not letting the person sell merch. And you're like, who the fuck? I don't get that. Who the fuck does that? Sell whatever you want. I don't care. The worst was when you had to share a room with a guy. Yeah. You guys ever do that one? Mike Racine, I found out he had sleep apnea, I think. That was fun. St. Germain woke up once in a night terror. Oh, my God. I'm like, what?

me was like shaking me and i was like i was like what's going on and he's like oh he goes i'm sorry i have a real darkness in me i'm like what how do you follow it up with that i'm like this is the craziest how did he get a guy from nam's personality yeah it's crazy he went to nam yeah he is the wrestler he is he's the wrestler but he's a comedian he's like merle hagger yeah i did a gig remember true tv is that still around

I don't know. I don't know either. That's not a good sign for the state of TV. The woman from TV Maureen every year would go, she'd go, she'd have these meetings with all of us and she'd bring us in. I remember. Listen, I love all of you. She goes, I can't give you a show. I'm a huge fan of all of you. I think you're all great. She goes, I don't have the power here to do anything for you, but I just want to tell you, I go, we just came an hour here. I know. Your studios are by Columbus Circle. We go all the way up.

There was no reason for this. Come to New York Comedy Club or the stand or the cellar and go, oh, we can't do anything for you. She was my manager for years. Angel Liss and Gary Goldman. It was, yeah, a lot of three-hour meetings that didn't go anywhere. Yeah. But good person. I like her a lot. I do love her. I did one of those shows for TruTV, like How to Be a Grown-Up or whatever the fuck they were. And they flew me out to L.A. They put me in a, what do you call those hotels that you can live in? They call it like long stay hotels.

Extended stay. Extended stay. That's it. Those are the tough ones. Yeah. People have their, you hear dogs barking. That's the one by Co-Bananas. There was an extended stay in America, in Blue Ocean, Ohio. I remember that. So it was the worst hotel on the planet. You couldn't sleep. It was dogs barking. There was a full zoo in there. And I talked to Bonnie, who was also on the show, and she goes, oh yeah, I got him to move me. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know we could do that.

Remember those days when you were so new you didn't want to push it? I was also so new to the road, I remember, that I didn't know how bad those hotels were. I was like, oh, this is cool. I'm a young guy on the road. But I remember doing laughs in Kirkland, Washington, and I was in this crackhead motel to the point that a crackhead motel

passed out again you open the window and his head is against my window I'm like that's fucking that's dark but I remember there being a pancake house next door so I was like it's great you know yeah I tell Marina my great hotel Marina Franklin calls me she goes you stayed exactly yeah she got she got moved obviously but but back then you like that's not yeah it was not I think if you're a woman there might be more you might have more of a thing like hey I don't feel safe of course yes I can't call up and go hi I

I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable right now. Someone else called when they saw you. Yeah, right, right, right. They were like, we got a real problem here. The meth heads are like, let's clear out, boys. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's fun, though. But those early times are, I think, some of the most pure fun that you have. Yes. When you're with a bunch of comics, you take a road trip. I remember Jared Freed took me early on. He did a gig in...

We had a standing gig at Foxwoods. It was just a road trip with comics and you just got to go perform. Then we'd come home. It was just fun. You're in a car. You're joking around. It's like Katrina. Katrina is obviously horrible, devastating, but we had fun.

Right. Because we're running around, we're setting fireworks, we're looting, we're shooting guns. Yes. So it's deadly and horrifying, but it's also freeing in a way. But then for some people, the problem is, I guess, Katrina doesn't end. Yes. There's still some people now with fireworks going, let's go. And you're going, oh, I have a family. And that's what's hard. Exactly. I remember that Foxwoods gig. The owner was one of the, remember that older guy who owned it? Oh, yeah. He was the type of drunk that would always start crying. But now he went to Mohegan Sun. Oh.

Oh, good. And they took me out. And I actually like those guys. They took me out for lobster rolls. We ate lobster rolls. But yeah, they get emotional. Yeah. He would always start. And I'd be like, I'm not comfortable with that. But he would just be like, I'm so happy you're back. I'm like, why is this a crime? Yeah. I don't know your last name. I kind of like it a little. I like it a little. Let me tell you right now. When a grown man starts crying.

There's something I go, you realize the gravity of this moment. Yeah. I go, I'm glad because, you know, I'm eating a lobster roll and he does get wistful. Oh, yeah. You know, and he got wistful and I go, this is insane. Yeah. Uncomfortable. But it's like Timmy Pescatelli. Yes.

She doesn't call me anymore. Whistle in a casino is never good, though. No, it's not. No. In that green room, they were just stalking. It was hell. I hated that gig. That was a tough gig. Because everybody loses money, then they come to your show, and they hate you. You, me, and Chris DiStefano did it a long time ago. We had this writer following us, this guy, Scott Robb, who's a great writer. He wrote a bunch of guys from Cleveland, very bright guy.

And he was in the green room. He was like, they treat you like the way they talk to us. He was like, this is crazy. I always think if my parents could see this, they'd be like, come on. What are you doing? But now it's great. Now it's fine. Now it's good. You get there. You graduate. It takes a while. But you're all connected through a struggle, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, it's boot camp, baby. I call it Mein Kampf. People in Gaza listening to this going, oh, really? Yeah.

We're like, it's like a war, really. You play a strip ball? I'm in the strip. People are like, really? A struggle? Okay. It was fun. It's fun. The hardest things are the funnest. It was so fun. I lived in a five-story walk-up on the fifth floor of

I had a shower in my kitchen. I know who you lived with. I mean, you know who I lived with. And that was, I mean, woof. Oh, yeah. Cosby. And it was Cosby. But it was just fun. It was always fun. You got to go on the roof and you'd smoke a cigarette. Do you smoke? No, but I would. Back then I did. Because like you, now I can't. You get in the mid thirties, you got to go. No.

I'm in the late 30s now, but it's like eventually you have to say no. But like when you're 25, there's no reason not to have a cigarette. Anyone listening is 25. There's just no reason not to, especially when you're on a roof and you want to talk shit about who got your AFL. Exactly. There's nothing better. You light up a cigarette. You're like, God damn it. Yeah. And the nicotine's kicking in. Yeah. You're like, I've been pounding the pavement three years. What does that person have? Right. Well, we all were talking about how.

rough the beginning was. Do you think you can bypass that now with the TikToks and the reels and all of the podcasts? Kathy Griffin had a great line years and years ago. The drumhead? She said, this is Trump. No. She said, you pay your dues an hour later.

Say it again. You pay your dues now or later. Oh. So what's interesting is like. That's great. I do think there's going to be a time in every career, even if it is a rocket ship. Right. Where you're going to level off or something. Well, you know, like. Interesting. I do think eventually you do. You can't avoid it forever. Right.

Right. You might not have to go to do what we did. But again, we're admitting what we did. It's fun. Yeah, sure. The dues some people have to pay aren't fun. Imagine – because here's the deal. Some people are going to get really successful early on and make a lot of money.

And then for whatever reason, things really cool off and people don't care. I would wager that's harder. Yeah. Oh, really? It's actually harder when you're not young and broke and you have that camaraderie and you're like fucking like you have that energy of like we're all doing it and everything like that. But when you just get to a certain point and, you know, because some of that's isolating, right? Some of the like succeeding and all that stuff can be isolating. True. And then having to pay those dues or figure something out might be harder.

You might not be equipped. I mean, when you're younger, it's like you're building towards it. But if it just hits you in your 40s, it is weirder. Right. And everybody kind of turns on you when you pop quick and don't have to do all the do's. But I think that's just instinct. I don't like it either. And you've got to fight it as a comedian. You've got to fight it. Because sometimes someone will pop and you're like...

I'm just being a contrarian because everyone is obsessed and they'll be like, this is the greatest and you have to be like, it's fine. It's fine. It's not the greatest. It's not bad either. Yeah, I think that people are invested in like a certain thing where it's like a certain sequence of events of people that have paid their dues. But again, it's like there's things people are doing that we're not seeing. That's the other thing, right? You know? Sorry. Yeah.

But like, yeah, that's part of it. Right. It's like, you know, it's like, who knows? People do things and that we just don't know them, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Like if some guy's a magician for five years and then becomes a comedian, does really well at it for two or three.

It's like the guy was, you know what I mean? I don't know if that's ever happened. - Yeah, everyone's, you don't, I mean, I think people, if you don't know a person, it's harder, but if you know that they're fucking hustling, you love them. - There's a documentary called Magic Camp. I say that to say this. I always have an agenda when I say something. There's a documentary called Magic Camp and it's about these kids who want to be magicians. And it's so sad because like, yeah, here it is. And I saw it years ago. And they're all trying to be magicians. And succeeding as a magician

There's like two guys that have residencies in Vegas. Exactly. And then everybody else, their success is like I drive a Ford Windstar to a birthday party. I get out in the back. I do the thing. People are happy. We are lucky in the sense that we are in a thing that when it can be good.

Like when you are a magician, it really cannot be good. And there's three. There's three guys. Yeah. There's like three. It's like David Copperfield, Lance Burton. David Blaine. And David Blaine. It's all Davids. And Chris Angel maybe. Oh, yeah. But he's a mentalist. Penn and Teller do it. That's five. But we're talking in history now. Yes. Yes. So it's like imagine if your passion, there was no root. Here there's a root.

There's a root. And there's a lot of us. And there's a lot of people doing great. There's a middle class in entertainment. There's a middle class. Yeah. Yeah. There are people are like, so I was looking at like, I'm lucky that I didn't want to do something that was so even actors when you're just an actor. Oh, that's tough. You're just an actor and you have no, you can't do it. You can't do anything else.

And you just have to wait for somebody to go, you got the part. That would kill me. So hard. That would kill me. The waiting. But I do think when we started stand-up, I would watch the half hours on Comedy Central and be like, that's what... I didn't know that a lot of those guys were struggling to fill rooms on weekends. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But I just watched it like, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. Sag after...

has just ended. Yeah. Which means the very demoralizing process of me sitting in a room with like Sean Donnelly and they go, all right, come in. And you just sit there and they go, now remember, you have your nightstick in your hand. And because every role is like, you know, cop or like, you know, gambling addict who sees his daughter once a month. Alcoholic dad. Police supervision. You know, fairy worker. Right. Who's poetic. Yeah, yeah. Smart fairy worker. Right. But,

But it's just, it's like one of those things where you go, thank God. And I like acting. I think it's fun to do. You're in the Eli Roth movie, right? I'm in the Thanksgiving movie that comes out, which is cool. They cut my head off. And I'm in another thing I can't talk about that you know a little bit about. But maybe they edited me out. I don't know. They might edit me out. That's why I never told anyone. I'm not telling them now. It sounds like I am, but I'm not. But the thing is, just being on set with those things, it's like actors are...

You know, they're just interesting in the sense that like they don't have any power.

over what they do no they have to wait until somebody says you can we can be proactive in 10 different ways 100 and they can write something yeah and act in it or direct it but you still need the the money you got to produce it you got to fund it it's it's also just meetings dude you realize how much you realize like i'm working with a guy now who's like yeah man agents don't respond to emails i'm like yeah

Yeah, it's like... Well, mine does if it's from the Capitol Grill. Right.

So what I do is I always put that in the header. I think it was a more general thing. I mean, look, I like who I'm with, but I think it's more of a general thing. He's like, dude, managers don't do shit. And I'm like, yeah, we know that. But it's one of those things. Managers are fun guys. That's their thing. They're just a fun guy. They drink with you. They get the tab. They're a fun guy. They get a lunch. Because I have one. I hired one. It's weird. You go so long without one. You go, I'm going to get one again.

Do you have one again? I have. I just hired another. Wow. Who's great. He's arguably the biggest, I guess, comedy manager. And he's good. He's really good. But it's just at what they do. Yeah. Which is what it is. They're just like. They butter you up. They buy you two Bud Lights and take a cut of your whole theater tour. They just go, you're a fucking funny man.

They go, you know, I laugh, man. You know, they go, I don't laugh a lot, but when you are up there, I laugh, man. I like it, man. You're giving them 10% to be a good hang. And then they go like this. They go, why aren't you in White Lotus? Ah!

I'm like, I don't know if there's 30 reasons. Why aren't you in White Lotus? I go, I don't really know. He goes, I think that's what you should be. By the way, White Lotus season three is in Thailand. So could you imagine at like a wellness spa? Yeah. Could you imagine something I belong in less than White Lotus season three at a Thai wellness retreat? Yeah.

Can you imagine spending money? Yeah, yeah. I mean, just in hearing me be like, is everything okay with your room? You know, it's just like... All right, right. White Lotus season eight when it's in Boston. Like, it's at the Encore Casino. That's in Boston. That's what I'll do it. You're in Yonkers. Go. I'll play Jennifer Coolidge's role.

Yeah, dude, that's like... But the Eli Roth thing sounds cool. It's really cool because it's a horror movie, so it's like the one thing Hollywood really can still do is like, I have a great decapita... Oh, I can't. Oh, God. Well, but they know. They can see me getting garrotted in the trailer. You see the blood, and it's just fun to have knives in you, and everybody's bleeding, and then everybody's eating...

uh you know at the craft services table and we're all bloody and there's knives that's just a cool horror movies are just cool yeah it's just so it's like a cool thing to do that is so are you a big horror person i love horror movies so i've always liked them and like i you know especially this time of year yes like halloween thanksgiving like this feels like a real popcorn family turn this on yeah how did this role come about for you

Well, Eli's just a fan of the podcast and he's a really cool dude. And he just gave me this opportunity. And I, I, you know, it was like, thank you.

That's kind of what it is. He seems like a cool guy. He's an awesome guy. He's the Bear Jew, man. I auditioned for another thing and I wasn't right for it. The Bear Goy? Yeah, I was the Bear Goy. And it wasn't for me. He was like, you did great. I did like a bunch of auditions for it. He's like, you did really good. You were close, but it just wasn't for you. And I was like, no, I get it. And then this thing, he was like, I think something here is really good. Because they wanted you to be fun. There was this role. They go, we want you to be funny.

Yeah. So I was like, great. Like, this is great. So I was really pumped. It was really exciting. That's really the only way for us to get to know. I've auditioned for 9000 things. Never gotten one. You got to know the director. You got to have a podcast. They got to put you in. That's it. Yeah. They've just been like here. It's never. I've never booked up. No, because there are people that are out there that, you know, are actors. Yeah. Yeah.

yes their job like so they're known and they have res like long resumes and things they've done which i totally get he's like the guy that we went with he goes for the other thing he's like he did all of these things i go right well of course yeah yeah yes if shia labouf is in the room and then i show up i'm not getting it and that's fair give it to the star just the same hair that's great man that's great that you're in that well it's fun and and uh you know i i think it's good and

The other one was hard. The other one I was in was hard and the director was yelling at me because I was not remembering the blocking. It was tough. I had a similar thing. And he was yelling at everybody, but he's yelling at me. He would come up to me, he goes, I don't know why you're fucking this up. And I'm like, I'm sorry. And he's like, he goes, it's not hard. You move the book 70% across the desk, 80% it's out of frame.

You turn around and deliver half of your line when he opens the door. You wait for him. You deliver the other half. When he picks up the phone, you start to say the second part of your line, but you're looking around. And then you finish the second part of your line. Okay. And then he's like, you wait a while, but not too long to do the third line. What's the fucking problem? Let's go. And there's 80 people watching you with cameras. And I'm just like,

and there's some of the biggest actors in the world around you and you're just like, oh my God, like it's hard. Yeah. Like how hard is that? Well, last night at my job, I was drunk. So the other things easier. That's what I felt like when I did America's Got Talent. They're all like stretching and having to be in the perfect place. And I remember being like, oh, I can, I can be wasted. Right.

Like, stand-up is loose and fun. Yeah. And this is so, you miss one thing in acting. You're like, yeah, it's tough. It's really weird because we're such stand-ups who work so hard at it. You hone it. And all they want you to do is not be a stand-up all the time. Like a morning show. They're like, hey, don't say anything you would say on stage. That's my whole thing. Yeah. But that's what I do.

That's what these morning shows where we're also there. We're watching there at the end. There's like three of them left. That's why I like doing it. No, it's going to be like a relic. I'm glad that we were the like last maybe generation of people to do that. Like morning radio, new day Cleveland, his legendary thing. Like, like it's funny to watch these morning shows because like,

They're over. They're so pointless. And they're pointless. And like the people on them don't even, I remember when you grew up, like the morning shows, they would kind of be attractive people. Oh yeah. Now it's like slobs. Is it really? Yeah. They're not. They're like sitting there and you're like, what? Like, and they're not,

particularly charismatic or anything. It's just like it's the bottom of the barrel. It's what's left. Yes. It's what remains. Yeah. It's like a dating app after 50. Yeah, exactly. They're just like, let's throw these two people out. Well, the phone takes everything away. It used to be, I need to know the traffic. I need to know the weather. I need to know the news. And now I have all that on my phone. Why do I need to hear it from Kathy? And then we have Boston radio shows, Maddie in the Morning, right? All these things like,

you know, Lauren and Wally, like these old school. They're in your car. And I love that, especially because we podcast and stuff like that. Like the history, I feel like a radio and broadcasting and the history of standup comedy was kind of had, you know, been complimentary, right? Stern and ONA and the whole thing. So like those Preston and Steve, any of those shows that can help you sell tickets when you go on in the beginning, if you are funny on those shows, people are listening and that you can sell tickets. So it's like,

To me, it's interesting seeing how that evolves, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The good ones are still around. The good ones are still there. It's always changing. Like Lucille Ball. That was like a radio person. Then it's I Love Lucy. The business is always going to be changing. It's a good thing. You got to adapt to your fucking... And shit comes back, too. Yeah. Blackface.

Lucille Ball, racist. It's back in. Yeah. Well, she had a Puerto Rican hubby. Cuban. Cuban. Sorry. White Cuban. That was controversial at the time. Yeah. Who had that funny joke? It's like back in the 50s, you couldn't have a pregnant woman on TV. That was like edgy. And then now you can't say woman on TV. I can't remember who had it. It was a funny bit.

Sorry, brother. But there's nothing new. It's funny. There's nothing new to be. There's no edgy now. Oh, you can always go edgy. You can always go edgy. Edgy now is like being religious.

right it's a good point right it goes the other way yeah exactly because all the young kids now are like devout catholics because it's the only way to be like fuck you mom right because their mother has like green hair yeah and you know and they're like fuck you mom i'm a devout catholic they're saying the rosary that's how they piss their parents off yeah you know right nuclear family whoa yeah they're like what yeah it's interesting yeah it's all it all comes around have you ever adopted a kid do you think either i don't know adopt i don't know about

Adopt. To a real lifestyle change. Yeah. Kids are weird because all our friends are doing in vitro, whatever it's called. It's like 10 grand a pop. They really want a kid. And then all the other people I know are murdering, like they're aborting. So kids are really on the spectrum of like, I really want one.

I feel like it's just, that's one of those questions where you're at a town hall with a presidential candidate. You're like, Governor DeSantis, let me ask you a question. Some of my friends are doing in vitro, 10 grand a pop. Other ones are murdering, aborting, you know.

Where do you stay? How do we solve this? I know. It's hard. There's nothing in the middle. I always think about getting a dog. I always go. I always see a dog in a window and I should just get a dog, right? Because they're great. Then I'm like, I travel a lot. I don't know if it's fair, whatever. When you have a kid, I fully believe that your entire life has to be oriented around your child. And why I'm so pro people having kids is because at a certain point, I think it's kind of

It's necessary for a lot of people to step out of their own interests and into more of a collective family. Agreed. I think that makes a lot of sense. Especially for comedians. Especially for comedians. I would never say no, but I would say it would require a massive lifestyle change. Yeah. And it takes the narcissism out of you a little bit. What about you? How do you feel about it? You don't know. It's hard to know. I'm like you, man. I'm on the road constantly. I do think adoption is interesting because there are a lot of kids that are...

of homes. You know what I mean? Yeah, and you get the black points. Get a black kid. It would be good. And have them sell merch. Just a three-year-old selling merch. I'll get a Chinese kid who'll stitch the merch. Save some points. I have a Chinese godson who I never would have said yes

but he's Chinese. He's like a little Asian. Oh, too cute. He's a killer. He's Asian. And it just intimidates people when they see an Asian child because they know he's the future. You got to get a Palestinian kid. Really mix it up. Ooh. You got a conversation starter too. Yes. Yes. I don't hate them. Look. Really confused. I saved this one. If I had a problem, how many have you saved? That's a good. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. You're tearing kids posters down. I'm adopting them. Yeah. What,

What an odd move to tear a poster. It's strange. What an odd move. No matter how you feel. I think it's the worst thing that's happened with the whole thing. It's just an odd move. Yeah, I think there's nothing worse. There's nothing worse than that. It's a good point. Nothing worse. By the way, though, and I'll be honest, let's also go the other way for a minute. I'm also not a fan of posters. I'm not a fan of mucking up with a lot of... I don't love a poster...

And I also don't love the tearing down of a poster, but it's like, I've never been a fan of a lot of posters. Sure, sure. Yeah. We should go back to the milk carton. Right. We know, but here's the other thing. We know it happened. Yeah. We have the internet. No one's happy about it. Can we fit 10,000 faces on a carton? That would pose a problem. Is that how many go missing? A lot. Yeah, it's a lot. A lot of missing. And you guys can't do dairy. No. Right. Put it on pork. There you go. Yeah.

That too. Are you guys working on any bits? This might be a good time. I got nothing, dude. Wait, what about a peeve? Yeah, give me a peeve. Ooh, the peeve. I got one. And this one, I can't believe it hasn't come up on this show. How about this guy? You go out to eat with him. You finish the meal. Everything's great. And you get this one. You know the teeth sucker? Yeah. You know, all night he's got the steak piece in his teeth. And he's like, man, that was good dinner.

I'm just like, what are you doing? Go to the bathroom. The teeth sucker. The guy who brings the little floss pick, too. Why is that a thing in public? Yeah, he pulls out of a case like it's a Don Draper. People will do in public what you allow them to do. People really will, unless you push back. If you look at plane behavior, how that's degenerated. It's degenerated to a point where people are having fistfights. They're naked on the plane.

if you don't push back that motherfucker's not real right right they're ai they're having abortions on the plane so if if you don't push back people tend to do what they're allowed to do good bad people yeah bad people they take advantage of what they're allowed to do that's so true i remember one of the best things i've ever seen is we have a flight i'm flying back from god only knows

Syracuse, Buffalo. I think I did the egg. Yes. I like the egg. Egg's cool. Shout out to the egg. Beautiful venue. Lovely venue. And we're coming back. And you know you're in a little shit jet. The pilot's young. There's one flight attendant. And there's maybe, I don't know, 17 of us with the privilege of going back to LaGuardia. And there's a guy there. And I mean, it's a 41-minute flight. Yeah. If that. It is cruising for like five minutes and then a descent.

A guy goes like this to the flight attendant. He goes, yo, you got any pancakes? To the attendant or the flight attendant? She goes, no. He goes, all right. Then he turns to his chick and he goes, that's kind of fucked up. She's got a griddle back there. What are you doing? He thought there'd be a full breakfast. It's a 41 minute flight. He goes, yeah, it's a little fucked up. It's just funny. The injustice. Yes. Yeah. It's kind of fucked up. That's kind of fucked up.

And then for a minute, I agreed with him. I'm like, yeah, why not, Halfling? But that's how it happens. That's it. Because you start being unreasonable. It can spread. Yes. It can spread because when someone's being unreasonable, it is hard to go against them. Right. And it's much easier to join them and go, you know, I would like a pancake.

Right. You forget. The mob. You forget how insane. You become a part of the mob. You become a part of the mob. And the mob wins if they get the numbers. Yeah. So that is scary. I think it's connected a lot to the social media shit, though, because just being an outrageous asshole will get you retweets next. Yeah. Squeaky wheel, baby. That's right. And it does turn, when you're on a flight-

You become that. You're like, yeah, I'll be an asshole too. Instead of being like, you're an asshole, it's easier to be like, I'll be an asshole too. Right. I'll pile on. I'll pile on. The guy who takes off the shoes next to you and you're like, you haven't taken a shower in weeks. I know. You smell like fucking shit. Between the seats. It's crazy. But that pancake guy is online. He's the one commenting on your shit. I'm sure you guys saw the video of the guy leaning back on the flight, putting his hands behind the- Pull it up. You've seen that. The hands behind the chair. I have not seen this. I mean, it's just- It's a fucking pig.

It's a pig. There's a TV back there. That's crazy. What's he doing? Let's see this. Is it a bit? Yeah, it's a video. Is this because flights got cheaper? What happened? Well, Janelle James had a great joke. She goes, bus people are flying now. Ah.

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It's recent. That's fake. That's not it. Isn't it funny now, by the way, that terrorism is the least of anyone's concern? By the way, the nicest thing you bump into is like a quiet Islamic terrorist. That's the easiest thing on a flight now. You're just like, okay. Right.

Yeah. You're like, okay, so all you're going to do is charge the cockpit, but you're going to be quiet and not bother me? Fine. Instead of like the movie World Trade Center, we're just thinking, it's like a curb episode. Every fucking, you're just like, this dude's an asshole. Go to Twitter, maybe. Okay. Bus people, that is a dead on. Go to the cesspool of X. I mean, the- Yeah, no shit, huh? I mean, the Greyhounds were really-

It's tough. I used to take mega buses to Washington, D.C., and I'd do the little room at the D.C. Improv, like the front row. That's the double-decker one, right? Which one? Yeah. That was awful. I hated that. And we would go there, and you put your headphones in.

And then you would just turn around and be like a chihuahua. Yes. In a bag. Someone had a chihuahua in like a bag. With a couple holes in it. Yeah. And there was feeding and potato chips. Yes. And then you'd be like, this is where I'm at in my life. And then you would...

You would get out in D.C. and do the show, and then you'd be like, okay. And then the worst thing was standing on that line in the morning. Oh, the worst. The worst is you're on the line, and they're unhappy with you because you paid like $3 to get it. So they're like, get in the line. It is a good deal. Yelling at you. It's a great deal. They're hitting you with a cattle prod, basically. You're doing the math. How are you making any money? Yeah. And then you pay. I used to pay a couple of dollars extra to be in that premier line. Oh, yeah. So then you would board first. Right.

And then you're like, how could this get any worse? Then you hear like, cling, cling, cling, cling. You're like, oh, he's playing a casino game. Nice. It's only four hours. But then you look at people on it who are like, I was like, well, I'm on this because I'm trying to be a comedian and I have a shit job. And then you look at people in their 40s and 50s and you're like, oh. Yeah, he's seeing his daughter. So he's going –

Because he got a lead on a job out of state but doesn't want to put money down for the room rental until he knows if he gets the job. So he's got to go and hear about this job because –

You know, he just got out of jail and it's been seven years. And if he gets this job, he's going to take a room rental in Baltimore. And you go, this is tough. That is tough. I'm taking it to Baltimore, too. The move back then was you take the midnight bus back. I did the same. Because instead of having to pay another hotel, so you take the midnight bus back. Yes.

And that's when you see the fucking animals. That's when the freaks come out, my friend. It's full on drug mules. Yeah. So the bus is people from Baltimore. And low end drug mules. You're not getting Johnny Depp blow. Heroin in their fat pussy. It's fat mules. Yeah. And then they go. Yeah, it's right. And then they get out of the Port Authority. Oh, yeah. And we're all getting out at the Port Authority. And that's the final stop in New York is Port Authority. Right. Yeah. So then you just get let out at 3.30, 4 a.m. Oh. The nightmare of nightmares. Yeah.

And you're like, great. And I live, thank God, on 45th between 8th and 9th. So I would just kind of like scurry to my thing. But yeah, I mean, it's just a nightmare. It's a haunted house in there. That was back then when you'd have a girl waiting for me and she'd be like, what are you doing with your life? And you have to be like, I don't know. It doesn't add up. I'm trying to make it. I'm living my dream. Yeah. Yeah. The worst was Fung Wah. That was beneath Megabus. I never did that. Those were the Chinatown. Those were the $1 ones? It was $1 to go to Boston. But it took about three days.

But man, that was tough. It was like a cage of chickens. Me and Sarah Ptolema used to take the old school Uber pools. Oh, yeah. Because we both lived in Astoria. And here's what the old school Uber pools would do. They would never stop picking people up. Yeah. So what the Uber pool was, there were times when...

When me and Tolomache would sit in a car for an hour after our spot at the stand, right? We would have been home and asleep if we had taken a drink. I know. But they'll just keep circling Murray Hill. Yeah.

And it just doesn't end. And then eventually, I think, is UberPool done now? It's got to be. It's got to be done. It's a speed date. COVID got rid of it, right? Yeah, I think so. LA, it was fucking bad in LA. Oh, it's a nightmare. I wouldn't think. I'm like, I'm just trying to save money in between meetings back then. Dude, I've been in an UberPool in LA. And an UberPool in LA starts to get weird. Like, you would get in, and there'd be two people like, hey, what's up? And they'd be like, hi.

And everyone starts talking, you know? Yeah, what are you pitching? And then everyone, I've been in them where people start exchanging numbers and you go, this is crazy. They're networking. I got in once and a girl just got in and was crying and I was like, I'm not touching this one. But by the way, we're going to explain this to people. It is one of the funniest things we're going to explain. It's good. Also Airbnb, which I think is on its way out a little bit because I think people are realizing the insanity of it.

What happened with you and Airbnb? I'm not allowed on the platform. There were two lesbians. They had a house in Joshua Tree. We cooked a dinner. We had fried fish. We had burgers. We had baked beans. Nothing crazy. Americana. And what happened was these women made me pay a cleaning fee and then also just destroyed me in the reviews, gave me a horrible rating. And we didn't do anything that bad. It was just some dishes. Right.

So I threatened to kill them. And I didn't not not not directly, but I was just like, I hope, you know, in a funny way. Yeah. I hope the house doesn't burn down. I called them Desert Dykes. It was a whole thing. It was all thing because the cleaning fee, which is, again, why Airbnb is tanking, has lost half of its value. It's almost over because people are going, why am I paying you five hundred dollars?

for a cleaning fee, which is two weeks of a cleaning lady. Yeah. And then you're hitting me because there's four dishes in the sink. Right. This is crazy. So I'm banned from Airbnb. They won't let me back on. I've had big people try to get me on. It won't work. Wow. And it is what it is. I don't want to go to some stranger's home. I've never done it. The insanity of it. During the pandemic, hotels were, you know, the restaurants were closed. Everything was all common areas in a hotel were closed. They didn't have maid service.

It was weird. I get the appeal of an Airbnb. Oh, there's a pool. We can sit outside. I've had some good ones. Yeah, maybe like Phoenix. You go to Phoenix, you get a nice house. But now the amount of rules, how weird they're being about everything, the weird voyeuristic things with the cameras everywhere. Yes. Who's watching you? I think Airbnb is going the way of Uber pool, whereas when we describe it to people, it's going to sound insane. They're going to go, you just got in a...

with strangers and they would get dropped off and then another stranger would get in and then you would be, you're on a queue to get dropped off eventually. Yes, exactly. In a tiny little car. I mean, it's crazy. It's wild. The same way, showing up to an Airbnb, I've shown up to Airbnbs where it was clear the family was living there up until when I showed up. Yes. Like 10 minutes. Yes. And you're like, oh my God, like the shower was still steaming? You're like, what?

Like some poor guy just got his family and goes, we're in the camper tonight. Yeah. It's sick. It's actually coming in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Yeah. Right. It's really sick. This dog would always try to turn me on to it. He'd be like, it's the best. I get a three, four bedroom. I bring the whole crew and I'm just like, yeah, that's what I want. I want to hear Gary Veeder jerking off in the next. It was fine for the moment. I think during the pandemic, all those things were good.

Where you were like, yeah, we got a house. Now, what if we lived in Houston? It was also like people were vacationing in like other alternate realities. Yes. So they were like, what if I lived here? That was the pandemic. And the pandemic, everybody was like moving around. Some people bought houses other places. Some people were like, what if I lived here? You went to Austin for a minute. I lived in Austin for a year. And you hated it? I couldn't do it. It wasn't for me. I love...

My friends that live there, I love Joe. I love the club. I just am not a guy. I like oceans. I like, you know, I like just where I kind of grew up. Like, I love New York City. I like L.A. It took a while to like L.A., but I do like L.A. now. Would you ever come back to New York? To where? To New York City. Of course. I would come back here, sure. Really? For sure. Austin's a college town at the end of the day. Austin's a college town, but I get it. I get why people are living there.

I'm not a huge fan of the burbs. Same. So it doesn't mean I hate them. It means that like it's not for you. L.A. suburbs aren't burbs. You know what I mean? Like I like I could get to Sunset Boulevard real quick and I'm like, this is a city. Yeah, it's not New York. It's not a Miami, Chicago, New York type of city, but it's a city.

Austin is a tiny little city surrounded by a lot of sleepy suburbs. And if you're into it, like if you like, I have a family and the kids are in playing soccer and stuff, it's great.

But for me, it's just – I like a little more stuff going on. Yeah, no, I get that. It gets old quick because you can do everything in two weeks in Austin. You and L.A. make sense to me. You and Austin didn't really make sense to me. Yeah, I like L.A. You're like a guy who soaks up culture and like – I see you getting like funny Hollywood stories in L.A. Yeah, I go to dinner with people –

Like I really, Soder will talk about this. Like I take meetings with people, which nothing's ever going to happen, but I'll take meetings with very high level people. Who's the most high level person? I don't know. President of CBS or something. And I tell them why they're wrong about everything they've done. Les Boone. And they just, they kind of nod and they go, I kind of understand what you mean. I go, I,

I go, I know the funniest people in the world. And you guys are fucking it up. You're throwing it away. They need to hear that. And then they go, yeah, you're probably right. But they go, what do you want? And I go, yeah, right. Yeah. Because the deal is, it's like changing the government. Right. People don't realize, right? So it's like, those companies are big cruise ships that you can kind of tilt a little bit like this. Sure. Yeah.

But I always say, like, I know the funniest people like, you know, and they should all every they should get shots. I should get a shot or my friends should get shots. But they can't take a risk. It's too much money. Yeah. I think they're going to start to now because I think they've lost enough money where they're going to start to. But that's what's fun to me about L.A. is it's like there's something to sink your teeth into. And it's it's all going wrong.

which I find really interesting and really good for comedy. The city's going wrong, it's devolving, the industry's changing, no one needs to be there anymore. People are mentally ill, they're on talk in their phone in the middle of the street. They're like, "What's up, guy?" It's sick. It's a sick place of sick people who are dying and they're desperate and they're all crawling around like lizards and they know it's over. We all know it's over and we know we're gonna meet a bad end. But that I feel like is a very healthy way to get through the day. - And it's entertaining. - I love it.

I'd rather it, I'd love to sit in an LA coffee shop and just hear the desperation of the keys on the back bar. This is the one that's gonna change it. - It's a buddy cop movie. No one's done one of these. - Ozark meets The Wire. - It's Ozark, they're all trash. So to me it's like fun, whereas it's like in Austin there's something about everybody loves it. New York, what I loved about New York is like in New York,

If you were like, if you say to a New Yorker, this city is shit, a New Yorker will turn around and go, you have no idea how shitty it is. Exactly. I'm losing my mind, dude. Right. So everyone will always complain about New York, which I think is a very healthy way to live. Yeah. I think it's very healthy. And often people just look at you and they're like, this is the place. And that to me, it feels cult-like. And there's hope.

there. Everybody's moving there for this hope like my world's going to change around. There's no hope here and I'm holding on to that. I love the no hope. Yesterday Mark and I were on the train and I've got this dog in the little pouch and how about that fucking guy on the train yesterday? You ever have someone try to talk to you across the train? So it's like a bunch of people have to listen to the conversation. He goes, hey, a pug.

And I was like, oh, yeah. He's got a dolly with stuff on it. Love Pugs. And we're like, oh, yeah. We figure that's it. He just keeps going. He's like, I had a pug. Dead. And we're like, why are you putting this in my head? Why are you doing this to me? Well, the mental illness is so great here. Oh, yeah. It's great. And there are moments where I saw this band outside of New York Comedy Club.

And I don't know if I'm gonna do this, but this is just a New York moment. I might not do it. But I think just thinking about it's good. There was like a guy at a base and I go, are you guys a band? And they go, yeah. I'm like, would you play? I got a gig on Friday. Would you play while people got seated? And I was like, it's a Carnegie Hall. And they were like, really?

And I might, this band, I might just choose them. I got to watch their stuff later. But maybe I'll just choose them to like play while people are singing. Yeah, I think it's a very nice way to open a big show. I think it's a great way to open a big show. And it's just a weird New York moment of seeing these guys. They were in a rehearsal space, so they are rehearsing. Oh, you blow their minds. So how amazing would that be? Like, they're like some dude. They didn't know who I was. They were like, oh, you're a comedian. And then some cool and crazy fan like, if I met a New York comedy club, he's like, ah.

So I'm like, see? See, I'm a comedian. See this sick person that has identified with things I've done? Yes. But so it might be like one of those moments where it's like, that's the cool shit about the city that I love. It's just that those random moments are...

that you don't get other plays. But that's the problem with L.A. is that guy, that band is waiting for you. Like, where's my producer? Where's my booker? The problem with L.A. is you'll get an email from that band's manager. Exactly. What kind of money are we talking? Exactly. What kind of money are we talking? Here, they're like, that's amazing. Carnegie Hall, I've been there. I had a musical opener at the MSG Theater and people loved it. I think it's a good thing. It was really good.

Yeah, I think it's a good thing. We're going to figure it out. The beginning of a big show is always weird anyway because people are seating and you can't really be doing comedy. So music is perfect. I think music's good. Yeah, and it's different. They can kind of still chat a little bit while still enjoying it. Yeah, it's kind of good. Or I was thinking maybe an opera singer.

An opera singer might be fun to stand an opera singer there and like pianist just doing piano and then have like a soprano like singing opera. That's funny also. That's funny. So they may win. They may beat the band because it's actually funnier. Yeah. Funny does win. Yeah. But imagine that I did put the band on and then it was a great night for them. That's a real New York moment. It's not going to happen.

happened. But Mark and I used to, we used to open for Schumer in these big arenas and she would have her brother's jazz trio open and it was like a really classy way to open the show. People loved it, I think. I had a Christmas party in LA. We had a jazz trio during the Christmas party. Took it up another notch. Really? Just a jazz trio in the corner doing

Christmas jazz. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking awesome. It was killer. We had that at my wedding. I was at a bar once in Sacramento, just like a live kind of, it felt like I was in LA Confidential. It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. It feels classier wherever you are. I like jazz because the people that do it, they go, we're not getting famous, we're not going to get rich, but we love this music so much. We look at it, it's historic, it has importance. We love it and it's, you know, we do it and we do it at a high level because we love it. Yeah.

So I think that's a really cool type of music. It's the opposite of comedy. And it's the absolute opposite. Yeah. And it's like you could listen to it while you work, while you just like take a walk and you could still think. It's fucking perfect. It's perfect like background noise. Yeah. You never see a jazz musician like, hey, hey, no one's listening. No, they're never like, shut up. Get off your phone. Yeah.

Although you get these things where musicians, I used to not think musicians could feel a bomb, but I've seen musicians in venues where they just don't acknowledge them at all. And I'm like, that fucking sucks. Interesting. Yeah. Because you would see it affect the performance. They're not giving themselves to it. Well, sociopathy is great, though, because I've had actors open for me who've asked. They go, can I open for you? And they just go up and they bomb. And they go, I think that was good.

Actors try. They try. Yeah, just for the first time, no jokes. And they get like one half of a laugh in a five-minute set, which is rough because then there's four minutes and 45 seconds of tough. But then they'll just look and go, I think that was kind of good. So, you know, you never know how someone is internalizing it. Oh, yeah. Some people have no self-awareness at all.

Like, it's one thing to be a really chubby person and wear, like, really provocative clothes to make a point and go, fuck you. It's another thing to think you look good. Yeah, of course. There are those people who go, no, no, no, this is hot. And you go, oh, you know, as Christopher Hitchens said, how far the termites have buried and how long and how well they've dined. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That was powerful. He had some good ones. Yeah, it's like some people just are not – so you're looking at them going, oh, I'm in the room and I'm watching this person. But a lot of them are just like, that was great. Because we've all seen comics on stage where they're not in the room. Of course, of course. And those are the people you're lighting eight times. Yes. They don't know.

They get mad too. They're like, I got it. Yeah. And you're like, well, it's been, you're doing 24 and you were supposed to do seven. So you got it. So they don't know. Like my manager said to me, he goes, you know, when you do a seven, you know, when you do a four, he goes, the awareness is key. It's key to know. Of course. It's key to walk off stage and go, okay, that one was great. That one was very good. Awareness might be more important than funny.

Oh, yeah. It's huge. Good point. Because if you're funny, but you don't know when, I mean, you're not funny. Yeah, that's true. Awareness is huge. Awareness is big. And also... And the delusion in this biz is bananas. Well, the thing is you need it. You need it, which is interesting. Like, you need it. In the beginning. You need it in the beginning. And you don't know how much of it you need. You got to find the level of it that's good. Yeah. And then you just got to tinker with it. And then...

You know, it's helpful. It's one of those things where it's like it's necessary, but it can also kill you. Yeah, that is true. Maybe it's like rage in a boxer. You need it in the beginning, but you also don't want to kill somebody in the ring. Right.

Yeah, you got to know. Because you got to believe these things are possible when the evidence is saying they're not. Yes, yes. Like it's one of those jobs where you tell people for the first few years that you're doing it and it's like it's a polite. They go, oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. That's nice. We were talking about a comic last night. It was me, Mark, Colin Quinn, and Jim Norton. We were talking. Quinn was telling a story about this comic. He was like, I got the perfect opener for any benefit. And Quinn saw him do it at a benefit, and it ate shit. Right, yeah. And then he ate shit. Right. And he didn't realize it. He thought it went great. And that's fucking – that's a horrible – Quinn was like, he's had just a great life. He doesn't know. But that's horrible. Governors once were like young comics who just came out from the city to do Governors.

We had a guy sit down. He goes, let me tell you about the business. This guy's like, you know.

and we're like okay and then he does a whole like 20 minutes about like here's what it is yeah you know he does his whole thing because he's you got to start at the prom shows and we're like okay but he's giving us this whole thing about he's like you got to make sure your manager is not you know it's just weird like and then he got up and just ate it yeah yeah for 10 minutes just bombed for 10 minutes and then came off stage looked at us he goes they were good like of course those

The level of insanity is high. Well, how many comedy teachers do these comedy classes? The teachers are always bombers. Well, Jessica Kirsten did one back in the day. Oh, she did? Imagine having her as a teacher when you're an open mic-er. There are exceptions. I'd say it's 99 to 1. I took one when I started, and Joe Mackey was in it with me, and it was

I guarantee you're funnier than the teacher. Probably. When you were in that famous one, it was Racine. No, no. There was one where it was like Racine to Steph. There was like a big one that a lot of people- No, no. It was me and Mackie and no one else who did it. But at the time, you're like, that guy's fucking funny. Random people. You're like, that was good. I mean- Well, there's all these people that you'll see at an open mic, right? Who are really funny. Yeah. There's some people, some of the funniest people you'll see-

You just see like twice. I know. And then they just disappear, right? Like there are some really funny people that go, that guy was really fun. That girl was great. And then they just disappear. Yeah. So it is such an interesting thing about like –

Sticking with it is hard. It's tough. Because life gets in the way. Well, there's a lot. There seems to be this chasm between talent and then driven and ambitious and knowing how to promote yourself. And you need that now. Yeah. I feel like that one's more important now. I know. But they're rarely both. You rarely see the hilarious guy like this girl you'll see at an open mic. She doesn't have that business sense. No, she's like somebody who's like, I got this thing inside of me. I got to get out. Yeah.

And it's really funny and interesting and different. And then you don't see her again because she hung herself. Exactly. But had she not, she might have been, you know. She might have been on a remake of Will and Grace. It's hard to picture Maria Bamford getting off stage and just like handing out business cards. Exactly. She's brilliant. You watch her and you go, God, she's brilliant. I watch her, man. One of my best moments ever is when she saw me at JFL and she saw the set because that was really funny.

And I was like, this woman is on another level. She's amazing. I just watched her, man. I was like, it was the coolest thing ever. And she's very nice. Remember, we hung with her in Vancouver. Sweet lady. She was awesome, dude. But yeah, there is. I mean, that was what they used to tell you. They're like, you hand out the business cards. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like Kevin Hart is both, you know, but that's rare. Dane Cook. Dude, I knew a guy who had these cards. Super hilarious. That was his thing. Oh.

Oh, that's great. Super hilarious at Gmail or whatever, and he would go, here you go. Those guys, if you say super hilarious, it's like saying, I'm hot and I know it, and you're like, you're 900 pounds. You know, it's never a hot girl with I'm hot and I know it. It's always overcompensation every time. No!

And then you get these guys, you read their card, it says director, producer, writer, actor, comedian. I'm like, what is this? You're none of them. You're none of them. I don't care. Hand me a card. He goes, feel it. You can't possibly rip it. I'm like, if that's a thing you paid extra for, maybe don't invest in the business cards. There's nothing really, you know, there's nothing worse than a guy who's been doing it like seven months who's a full business person. I know. You know what I mean? Because we all hated that guy. Oh, yeah. We were all like, just get pizza.

You sign up at the pit. Michelle Wolf will put you up. There you go. Try to kill for two minutes and shut up. That's the job. Don't tell everyone your strategy. So here's the question. We're talking about delusion and all this and who's funny, who's happier? The delusional weirdo or the blue collar guy? The delusional guy is always happy. You think?

I don't know. Ignorance is bliss. They're much happier. But I think when it kicks in, when they're 40, they just eat a gun or eat a bullet. There's, I know this one guy, this one guy from one guy, the way he did like song parodies. This is the funniest thing. Okay. He's been a right wing guy forever, right? He's has nothing ever going on in the business ever. He's doing a Facebook live one day. It's one of my favorite things I've ever seen. He goes like this. He goes, I'm waiting until there's a hundred people in here before I, uh,

before I, I got a big announcement. He goes, I got a big announcement. I'm going to say it. I don't care. Oh no. He gets like 50 people. He goes, we'll go with this. So if 50 people get in, he goes, he goes, I'm in Hollywood. Now he's standing in front of his house in like Sayville, Long Island. Yeah. There's snow covering it. He's got like an old car on the driveway. He goes, I'm in a business where it will hurt

me to say what I'm going to say and I don't care. He goes, I'm supporting Donald Trump. He goes, I don't care if I never work again. This is a guy who does song parodies in Long Island bars. Not one person thought he was doing anything but supporting Donald Trump. He's like, and it hurts me to be busy. He goes, I don't care if I work. He goes, I don't give a shit. He goes, I'm going to hear from people in Hollywood that this is not good for my career. Oh.

But he goes, I'm supporting Trump. And it's just like, is he happy? That's what I'm asking. And he might be. He seems stressed to make that announcement. Yeah, he might be or he might be stressed. But then I think he gets in his car and he goes, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm Lenny Bruce. I don't care about anything. I told him I'm supporting Trump. Well, there's the flip side of that of the girl who's like, racism is evil. And you're like, all right.

We're in Brooklyn. We all agree with you. You're not a hero. Even racists don't think they're racist. Right. The KKK are just like, we're a community. Yeah, we're doing the right thing. We're preserving tradition. Yes, exactly. Or say what the God hates fags or whatever. Those people think they're saving the world. Right. No, I've seen the, I mean, I used to do a bit about the fuck racism should be like, no one is on, no one is against you. No, you're not. You're not strong. Here's what's interesting about that. You rate like that type of comment.

When you think you'll see it, you almost rarely see it. A lot of the people who do it on Twitter all day, when they get on stage, they just do very hockey-like bullshit jokes. It's not like what you'd think it would be. You'd think they would get up there and do something. But then a lot of it's just very old-school stuff.

kind of hacky. Yeah, you go just, oh, this is that? I look like if this guy fucked that guy. Right. But all day on Twitter, it's politics. It's like, at Mayor Adams, do something. Right. And you see their actions, you're like, oh, whoopee questions. Could you imagine, because there was about a year when those racism is bad, that were everywhere. There was a year when that was hot. It fizzled. Oh my God, how many of those, you'd be in like,

Burlington, Vermont, they're like, we support black lives in this store. And I'm like, I feel like all stores support black people. Yeah, that's a law that was made in 61. Well, there's a couple of clam bars in Long Island, a little suspect on that. There might be a bar too in Boston. Well, there's a Chinese restaurant that I go to when the black people walk in, the woman goes, you pay now to go? I'm like,

This seems a bit hostile. They don't have the bumper sticker there. Seems a bit hostile. He's like, I'm doing takeout. I paid out online. She's like, pay again. But my point is that- The best scene in Don't Be a Menace. That group that did all that, that racism is bad, whatever, you know, imagine them at a USO show. Right. Could you imagine these fucking people in Iraq? They're getting shot at.

And this is the comedy they see? I think that gay people should be allowed to get married. You're in Soho. You're in a bar show. Not a lot of resistance tonight. Right. Yeah, it is funny. It is funny. But they'll also go... It'll be funny. If it swings the other way, they'll swing with it. Sure. Exactly. So that's what's fun. What's fun about them is they will just swing with it. I know. They'll swing with it. Yeah. They'll start doing, hey...

Are we woke? Maybe we're a little too woke. Like, they'll go from I'm woke to we're a little too woke. Like, it'll just, it's all a pendulum. But they never go back and go, sorry, yelled at you. No, no, no. The other year about being, not being this. I did find those song parody guys so fucking funny when I started. No, they were funny. He's a funny guy. I remember, remember there was a guy, fuck, I forgot his name, but he had a song where he'd go, ah.

I hit a girl and I liked it. You should have seen that pop. One of the biggest comments in Australia, this guy who they told me about in Australia, who sounds like a legend. This guy did a song parody of Meredith Brooks' song Bitch. So I bring Vita out on stage on the road, that song. For real. Oh, really? Yeah. Bloke. You know the song? No. Well, it's a song parody of Bitch by Meredith Brooks. It was so big.

It was like they were doing it in stadiums in Australia. I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a bloke. I'm an ogre. And I really like your knockers. And he does this whole thing. This guy's like such a legend.

killed someone on his wedding day no that's what a legend he is he's a comic he's in a bar he gets into a fight he ends up killing a guy and has to do six years he kills a guy on his wedding day he comes out of prison and he's doing comedy he's a legendary comic he's like really funny he's and he does this song called bloke chris franklin and and it's like actually killed him by punching him

Yeah, a few times. I killed a guy and I liked it. Play a little bit of this because this is actually a funny song parody. I hate the new age, guys. I'm a chauvinist. Here, go back a little bit. This is fucking amazing already. It's actually amazing. This is for Nick Cody and Luke Heggie. Yeah, love Cody. Love those guys. Watch this. It's actually good.

I can't wait for this guy to use us as a credit. You might have seen me on We Might Be Drunk. All right. I hate the new age, guys. I'm a chauvinist. I live on beer and pies. I tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath.

That's funny. Great. I'm a bloke. I'm a bloke.

He's got friends.

That's great. I cannot believe he killed someone. I'll tell you something, he killed that tune. Oh, yeah. How many views is that? I don't know, but he's a lead. Well, this was back in the day, and they would show up.

He did it in the AFL Stadium or something in Melbourne. This massive 80,000 people. It was crazy. Wow. And the whole audience is singing along with it. And they're all going, I'm a blow. Wow. Australia's a really interesting place. It is. You're there and you're like, I love it. And then there's moments where you go, is everyone retarded? I know. You don't know.

It's interesting. I messaged you about it recently. I told you you're going to like it. I have every restaurant you should go to. All right. If you're in a zoo. It's fun. You feel very detached, too. You're like, I'm on the other side of the world. No one can get to me. Yeah, it's kind of interesting. And then I did. Are you doing New Zealand? I'm not. Okay. Because it's even more detached. Because you go. Then you four hours to Auckland, New Zealand. Then you're in New Zealand. And then four hours on a plane south of that is Antarctica. Wow.

It's over. You're the furthest in the South Pacific you can go. Yeah. And then is Antarctica. So there's, you know, I love it. Like I always go like I've gone now twice and I go, I'm never doing it again. Every time I do the flight. Yeah. And then I just always go back.

It's fun. It's one of those things where it's like, I really like it when I'm there and I love the comics. Nick Cody's great. Luke Hagee's great. The flight from LA sucks too. I mean, I'm going from New York. I'm fucking dreading that shit. I mean, that's, by the way, that's inhuman. How are you, are you laying over in LA or something? Yeah. Yeah. Put a day. Are you doing it all in one day? No, just get it over with. Just get it over with. That's what I do. I'll pop a muscle relaxer on the second one and I'll knock out. And you got movies, you got food. Well, so what's interesting is I stayed up like a whole day. I go in, she's like,

She's like, we can serve you the food whenever. I go, I'm just going to conk out. So I conked out. I wake up and I'm like, shit, I've been asleep six hours. I'm like, that's great. I walk up to her. I go, well, that's really good. I've never slept six hours on a plane. She goes, yeah. She goes, we're doing good. She goes, we only got like nine hours left. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. So then you're like, oh, this is... And then you look at where you're over, and it's like the Mariana Trench. Yes, yes. You're not over anything. You're like, I hope the plane's working. I know. You feel lost. Those flights over the Pacific, you're like, I really hope everything's in working order. That's when you need that guy from O'Hegan to cry on you. And we hit turbulence. Yeah, you're right.

You're like, I need a dad right now. And we hit turbulence in them, and you're like, it's turbulent, and you're in the... But they're just like, it's normal. It always happens. And you're in a Boeing 777, which is a beautiful plane. Oh, yeah. It's the best you can get. Stunning. I did New Zealand. I did Auckland, and it was the wildest crowd I've ever had. They're great. They're great. It was awesome, but they threw drugs on stage. Oh, interesting. I do a Q&A at the end. They yelled shit out where I was like, I'm offended. No. You know? It's crazy. It's...

It's like it's the end of the world. Yes. You're at the end of the world. They call it an island of volcanoes. Right. I mean, they're all just sitting there waiting for the big one. So it's kind of amazing. And there's beautiful parts. Like the nature there is unreal. It's Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park. But then I stayed by the casino. Yeah. Woo!

It's a certain type of person that you like. There's a native in their blood. Yeah, there's, you know, they have some, and it's like, they have a squawking. And it's like, it's something weird starts to happen with the booze and like their medulla oblongata, like the back of their neck and the way they're like, Oh yeah. It's like a different kind of bird. You're like, this is like a weird, it's a weird group. It's a weird group, but I'm into it. They're very different. Even though they look,

It's similar in a way, but it's off. There was a show called Sliders in the 90s. I remember that. With Jerry O'Connor. Oh, yeah. The time travel. And Sliders was, and Louis kind of talks about Australia like this, too, where you're there and you're like, it's almost our world. Right. And then Louis says, oh, like a weird parrot will fly by. So Sliders was just, they kept trying to get back to their world. And every time they'd slide into another dimension. Right. Some of them would obviously not be there. It's like, it'd be like dinosaurs. But then some of them you'd be like, oh.

oh, this is our world. And then it's like somebody's head would do a full 360 and go, oh, we're not. Wow, sliders. Boy, you're always talking about food. This is my recommendation, by the way. I'm supposed to have a recommendation. Sliders.

What do you watch? What do you watch for real? I don't even know. You feel like a documentary guy. Well, sometimes, but I love really crap stuff. Selling Sunset? I'll watch Selling Sunset. Oh, season. It's so hot. I'll watch it to the two midgets, right? But no, but I like, I'll watch like Santa Clarita Diet.

Oh, yeah. Drew Barrymore is like a zombie. I'll also watch the great things, The Wires, The Sopranos, you know, The House of Cards, first couple of seasons, but like,

Bloodline's good on Netflix. I don't know Bloodline. That's a good with Ben Mendelsohn, who's great. Oh, he's good. He's one of the best actors. And Bloodline is really, really good. If you haven't watched Bloodline on Netflix, it's slow, but it's good. Sissy Spacek, Kyle Chandler, Ben Mendelsohn, Linda Cardellini. It's a really good show. And I love Florida, so to me, I can kind of just...

watching a show about it. I do kind of love Florida, too. Florida's great. You make fun of me for how often I gig there. Is there anything better than after side splitters, a nice rain?

Like a nice, right? You got Hemingway on this there. I kind of love Tampa crowds though. I love Tampa. I love the food in Tampa. Yeah. It's just like coconut shrimp and the best. It's nuts. It's fun. Yeah. Some of the best sets of my life are probably at sides. Oh, same. It's amazing. Cause they were,

they're kind of down the middle and you can't offend them. There's nothing you can say that'll, so you're, so you'll go harder and then you just, it's like the best set you'll have. I had a thing I always used to riff about like, great club, the motel, how many like pay by the hour motels that are around there? Oh yeah. And, and, and I was like, my friend's really like, Hey, she's from Tampa. She's trying to defend it. She goes, yeah, well a lot of people like are going to bush gardens. That's where they stay. I go, that's not what, what do you, what kind of family is staying in a pay by the hour motel? Yeah. Go to bush guard. I mean, it's like,

So Tampa has like a seedy, dark underbelly. Yes. Which I've always liked. I've been there. Yeah. Did my bachelor party there for that reason. I've always liked and respected that. That area? Ybor City. Oh my God. Chickens running around in the street. Yes. I love that stuff. Great time. I think it's good. It feels like where you'd be a boat, like PI. Miami to me, I love Miami, but Miami's very much like, it's like global and sexy. And the worst crowds ever. And the crowds are not good. But-

Tampa, you're like, this is designed for comedy. Yes. Designed for comedy. There's real people there. There's real people there. Yeah, Miami's a cool place. Fort Lauderdale, great crowds. It's something about Florida. Yeah, Orlando's great crowds. Florida's good.

man Miami Improv can be fun too they can get a little wild but the crafters are just fucking fun they're coked up they're always 30 minutes late and on coke yeah they are late and they fucking they don't pay attention they're like they're not like working people they're like influencers and shit yeah exactly it's Latino LA basically yeah it's interesting so LA

Yeah. Good point. It's Cuban LA. There we go. There we go. Jacksonville too, like San Augusta and all that. They're all pretty good. They're great. They're great. Yeah, they're fun people. It's hurricanes. It's Jews. It's old people. It's Cubans. No, we need... Florida's like the weird soul of our country in a way. We need it even though it is...

You ever go to Key West? No. I've never been there. Oh, it's Florida on steroids. I have. I got it. It's worth doing. Yeah, I want to do it. Just because you get on a jet ski, you wake up, you live like a PI. Everyone there is drunk. Everyone's ran over a kid in 89. They fleed to Key West. No one in Key West is not running away. No. Everyone is. It's all right. They all think they're Jimmy Buffett. Yeah. They're all sunbaked and browned.

By the way, no one who lives like that regrets it. No, no. You'll never meet a guy in Florida who's living that life who's like, man, I wish I was in Chicago. No. No one on a boat in Florida wants to be anywhere else. You got that right. Yeah. Good movie rec, by the way. I bet you've seen it. Key Largo. Oh.

Bogart and Edward G. Robinson and Lauren Bacall, great fucking flick. Really? Yeah. But Florida does bring out the worst parts of you. Oh, yeah. So if you ever live there or even spend a lot of time there, you just got to be ready to confront that. Yeah. You know? Because it will bring out the part of you, the primal.

Yes. It does. Blow off a guy's ass. You know, you'll be doing something. Yeah. I've had some dark nights there for sure. Oh, yeah. Ooh, baby. The late night drinking. I definitely ended up in some weird clubs. I was at the Don Cesar, which is a great hotel in St. Pete Beach, and they were all getting ready for the hurricane. There's this guy outside drunk, and he just looked at me. He's like, let it come. Oh.

So that's kind of what it is. He goes, let it come. It's like Lieutenant Dan on the boat. It's like that's what you just got to, you know, it

It's fatalism down there. You're like, this is it. Oh, yeah. If I end up in the mangroves, that's what happens. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a weird combination of paradise, but the world might end. Yes. But it's people that go there to die. So you have that energy, too. It's people that are like, I've given up or I know I'm in the final stage and I just want to be me. Right. I want to be me. Like, I have a friend who moved down there and she is, you know...

now, fully insane. She's not old, but she's like middle-aged and she's went down there. And the thing about Florida is you start acting years older than you are when you start living there. It's weird. So if you go down there and you're like forties, you start, you start acting like you're a retiree and she's just, you know, she's a lot of fun, but she's,

She was me and Big Jay are really good friends with this person. And we love her because she's one of the funniest people. I think I know you're talking crazy Michelle. Yeah. So crazy Michelle said the funniest thing we've ever heard. She sat me in Big Jay down years ago in Chaconis was Hollywood. She looked at both of us and said without any hint of irony. She goes, I feel horrible for Harvey Weinstein. Yeah.

It was the best. I've lived here 20 years. These whores, they lie. And me and Jay laughed so hard. I put up a picture of Jeffrey Epstein on my story once. She just had no idea who he was. And she just responded, gorgeous. So that's how out of it she is. And she's down there in Florida. And we still love her. I guess removed from all the allegations. Yeah, she was gorgeous.

But she's just down there in Florida, you know, living that Florida life. Gorgeous. She goes, gorgeous. Crazy. She goes, gorgeous. Wow. He was the king of Florida. Yeah. She's down there in Florida now, just kind of like, she hangs out with like a nun. Oh, weird. She has one of her best friends is like a nun. And I'll call her and she's like, yeah, I'm at the nun's house. It just gets wild. Yeah, it's weird. She rides around on a golf cart all day.

You know? Yeah. She's married to a comedian we know. Oh, really? You know me. I sat next to him on a flight once. Nice guy. Very sweet. Yeah. Very sweet. I'm curious now. We'll talk after. All right. All right. We got to get down to Florida. I'm going to Tampa in January. I'm pumped now. I'm going to Florida in December. I got Fort Myers and Tampa. And then you got St. Pete right there, and it's beautiful. Oh, it's great. St. Pete's rough. Scientology's over there. Clearwater, Alabama.

Everything's nice. I did a club called Belushi's once and it was one of those like hell gigs where I bombed every show. Yeah. And it's still Florida. The bartender at the end of the weekend just goes, kid, you deserve better. Oh my God. And it was one of those gigs where they just wouldn't pay me.

I was like, you know, I have like a 6 a.m. flight and they're just waiting around for like, they're like, we'll get you. And I'm like, it's 2 a.m. Every bartender in Florida has seen the darkest things imaginable. They could be 22. They've seen everything. Yep. They have the face of like a weathered divorcee. Yeah. You know, they just they're like, yeah, we've seen things in this bar that you can't even imagine. Myrtle Beach has a little stank on it, too. Yeah. So does Virginia Beach. I don't know if you've ever been there.

Both are pretty terrible. I've never done Virginia Beach. I'm always scared of that. I just feel like people have like...

like penis hats there's a lot of parties there was a club in myrtle beach called uh fuck what was the name of that club was it just carolina comedy yes that was it oh my god i remember it was the worst weekend ever i really can't it was like every table was drinking a long island iced tea i've never seen in my life just trays of long you know some of this like some of those beach communities are fun like dead crow is great that's a whole different that's a nicer vibe and remember the guy that used

to be like a conspiracy museum there yes yeah it was cool but that's what they filmed like Iron Man there Wilmington's a nice Wilmington's really cool yeah I had sex with the owner of that club good guy Timmy yeah lovely gentleman a sad beach town like AC that is sad

That's tough. I like AC, but it's Vegas with AIDS. Yeah, you can't really walk out there anymore. You can't. Even the seagulls kind of look like they have AIDS there. Yes. It's rough. Everything's dingy. No one's fucking paying anything. Atlantic City is, no one there is up to anything good. No, no. I had to get a prescription filled there once. Oh.

It's The Walking Dead. You want to talk about Chris, Mike Lawrence's bachelor party, me, Scott Chaplin, Sean Donnelly, Mike Lawrence. Yeah. In the, what was it, the one that closed down, the showboat or something? Oh, yeah. The one that was like clown themed. Yeah. And it was just tough. Why would he do it there? And Racine, I think, was there. I don't know. He just wanted to see Atlantic City. Yikes. You know Mike, it was like darkly poetic. Yeah, yeah.

Of course. Of course. We were talking about Mike the other day. He's kind of a savant. Oh, more. Brilliant. Yeah, he's really a funny fucker. What about Off the Hook? I know that you're not a... I hate it. That was the worst weekend. I've never done it. I haven't either. I had a horrible time there. It was one of those weekends where they just wouldn't... I couldn't...

R.I.P. Eric Myers, who was opening for me that weekend. Yeah, he was great. It killed him. Oh, my God. Talk about how bad the weekend was. He was burying me, too. I mean, he was, like, high energy, and a lot of his jokes were, like, young people suck, and I'm like, I'm not going to be able to follow that. Right, right. I mean, it was murdering. I mean, murdering is as much you could do with that. Hilarious guy. I remember going up. Yeah, he was really funny. He was very funny and a very nice guy. And, oh, my God, was I bombing. It was like...

It was one of those gigs where you're like, all right, well, I'm just going to fucking play the greatest hits. Fuck it. These are all my best jokes I've ever written. The most broad jokes. Yeah. These all worked on late night. These all, you know. Right. And I'm still bombing. Yeah. It's one of the things where I can't, you just feel like you're drowning the whole set. Yep. And I remember wishing death on multiple old men. Ah.

It was horrible. Yeah. And they just don't. It wasn't. It's tough. And then you're like. Naples is bad. Naples is not ideal for comedy. No. You know what was great, though, was the Palm Beach Improv. Yeah. They closed. They closed? Which is sad. They closed? I know. It's sad. It's a great night. That was a great club. It's one of the greatest gigs ever.

for me because I think Palm Beach is great and you just go to the beach and everybody's insanely rich but in a fun crazy way yeah like they're all Trumpies and they're all driving pink Rolls Royces you know and they're like nuts and it's fun I love that gig Vita loves that we go to Pura Vida every meal oh yeah it's a great gig I had a show there once the guy in the front row he had a table of like 12 twinks and he had another what was that Versace all Versace and he's like another Versace

bottle of champagne and they were pouring it in his mouth and he's like dance bitch I'm like I'm trying to do my bit about cereal but he was just he ran the whole show he was the mayor no it's crazy you've got people there we had like we had a table of just old

like bawdy women. Oh, jeez. Like those type of ladies who are like, you better be funny. Like, where did they come from? Like, hell opened up and they just emerged like a Farsight cartoon. But it's fun because all you...

need to do is shit on them once and they're like great yeah that's what they came for they came to get called a cunt or something quick that's what they came we got the real housewives of St. Pete that's right you got that right that's right right exactly

Yeah, those are fun, though. They're fun. They're the best gigs. I love those. Other than Naples, I would say I kind of do love every gig in Florida. Sure. Florida's amazing. It's a good escape, too. You get why people move there from New York, all the snowbirds. I don't know if that Belushi Club is still around. Look it up. It's still around. Florida's what Arizona could be.

But it isn't. There's no water. There's no ocean. You need an ocean. You need the ocean. Because the Arizona, Stand Up Live, I love. It's one of my favorite clubs. Great club. But just Arizona, when you're driving around and everything like that, you're like, they become lizard-like, the people. They're like kind of sun-baked brain. They're open carry. Yeah. So in Florida, it's a little nice. Still there? Yeah.

Yeah. Holy shit. It was rough. Nothing dies out there. I wonder how much he knows about the club. Who? Belushi. Oh. His business manager calls him every now and then and goes, well. Yeah. Why are they naming it after a guy? That's so weird. It probably sells tickets. I don't know. That's like, hey, do you ever do acroids? In Akron, we got acroids over here. Right.

Have you done that? Brad Garrett's. Have you done any of like the named after a comedian club? I did the Kimmel. I popped it on the Kimmel Club once. And that's pretty good in Vegas. Garrett's is a famously decent one. I hear a great guy. Yeah, he's probably a great guy. I've never been there. I've never seen any of those. What a horrible idea to open a comedy club as a as a funny guy.

That seems you got to do inventory and deal with people. I was here watching Joe do what was interesting because he was able to. Good point. Well, he's a zillionaire. Yeah, because he had the money to do it exactly the way he wanted. And he goes up there. And he goes up there. And it's such a better, like it's amazing. Instead of being on the road forever, it's like his family. It's like, oh, I have a club. I can go do work. It's really cool. It's kind of a secret weapon. He's doing two hours a night on a Tuesday in front of a full house. I got to get there.

You haven't been there? Every weekend they offer me. I'm booked till I tape. I'll do weekdays, but they're like, it's just weekdays. You go, it's just a scenic casino in the back. Everybody's sitting, having an Italian dinner in the back. You come in, everyone looks. You're like, oh, New York. It's about time. It's about time. I want to. I want to do it. Where are you going to be? I know you've got Carnegie Hall tomorrow. That's tomorrow. In December. This comes out December, right?

Oh, wow. Nice. I love that. I have to do a topical thing, so I can't ever get ahead. Oh, yeah. I can't bank. I have to do topical. December. Go. Go scroll down. I have no idea. Yeah. December. Detroit. Nice. Toronto. The mothership. There you go. Columbus. Bethlehem. And Washington, D.C.,

Ohio, San Antonio, Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, and Boston, Foxwoods. AC, rounding it out. Rounding it out, AC, with no material. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's like something will happen in the world. Something will happen in the world. I heard you were doing the Apollo.

Yeah. Well, I'm waiting. I'm going back. We're not doing that. It's not right. I miss some of those dudes. Where is he? I don't know. He's around. All right. What do you got there? I just got a, yeah. Tampa, as I said, and Fort Myers, Buffalo, Springfield, uh,

Madison, Philly, Dania Beach, Omaha, Dallas, OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake City. When you're in Irvine, we'll hang out. There we go. Let me know because no one ever comes to L.A. anymore. I'll be there. Yeah, and then I'm taping in Boston. I'll drive down to Irvine because it's not that far. That'd be great. Yeah, let's hang, please. There's some good restaurants down there. It's fun. You can have fun there. Yeah. Yeah, I love that.

It's funny, when you drive to Irvine, that Orange County, there's a line where the roads get better. There's plants everywhere. The buildings are prettier. All right, hey, what do we got here? Crest in Sacramento. We added a show. Omaha, Kansas City, Norfolk, Baltimore, Birmingham, Shreveport.

Jacksonville. Coming to Florida, baby. Columbus. Indianapolis. New York. New York at the Beacon. Houston. San Antonio. Texas. Salt Lake. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Get some Bodega Cat. Listen to Tim's podcast. It's hilarious. One of our faves. I was really happy when I heard you. No, dude. Thank you for having me. Yeah, thanks for doing it. And Winnie's still kicking. Pissy Elliot. She's still kicking, man. How old is she? 16. She's very sweet. Yeah.

Thanks a lot, folks. Good night. That was fun. That was good. That was a good one.