Ep 153: Jim Jefferies
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All right. You know what's crazy about Travis Scott? He was banging Kylie Jenner for a while. Is that the really hot one or who's the really hot one? She's like the fake plastic one. The billionaire one. The youngest one. Which one is Kendall? She's like 22 now. Kendall's the hottest, I think. Yeah, I think so. She's thin and real. Kylie's the one that made the billion dollars first. Yeah. Lip gloss or something. Oh, my God. It might be something else. I'm not sure, but it was definitely... Yeah, something. Sex tape. I think...

Blake Griffin was there for a while. I believe. I don't know. Tough shoes. Big shoes to fill. But my point is- Someone knocked up a porn star in the net. I think that was also Blake Griffin. No, it was Bruce Brown. Bruce Brown. Hmm.

On the same team. Everyone thought it was Blake Griffin. It looks like Blake Griffin's baby. I'm not saying it is, but have you Googled a picture of this kid? Let's see. Okay, Lana Rhodes' kid. Oh, she's hot. She- He very much looks like Blake Griffin. I don't know. I didn't know who she was. I only know porn stars from like 2005. I still jack off to like the old school ones. Yeah. I'm with you. I like them all. Okay, now get- Put Blake Griffin in the same thing. This baby looks-

Oh, yeah. Let's do a little side-by-side here. It's some pretty startling evidence. He's a handsome guy. Oh, and he's cool as shit. Okay, Blake Griffin, Lana Rhodes, baby. You got to- I don't need to put a picture of Blake Griffin. No, I meant- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm shitting on your staff. No, no, no. This is what he's here for. You abuse him. Get on him. Lana Rhodes, baby.

There you go. By the way, run by the way. Now, get that picture in the second row. Look at that. No. The third row now. First one in the third row. First one. Left. There we go. That one. Oh, there you go. Wow. Okay, maybe it's not his butt.

But it'd be a good episode of Maury for sure. It would be the best. Not the father. We have Celebrity Jeopardy. We should have Celebrity Maury. That'd be fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. Run by Jim what you ran by us before. I want Jim's take on this. Yes, I was telling them. I think the difference between men and women. I figured it out this weekend. Okay. At last someone did it for you. We've had so many people working on it all these years. And what about cats and dogs? So...

My wife and I have a sick friend in the hospital and we're going to go visit her. And she was like, we should bring flowers. And I said, well, we should just bring those that we have on the table. And she was like, those are from my mother's funeral. And I was like, and?

Well, that's where you reckon the difference between men and women? Yeah, that's exactly what I said. I like it. I think it's good. It's not a bad. Was there a card that said to the dead person? There's no card. Okay, so I'd have to see the bunch of flowers because there are definite funeral looking bunches. They were darker. Darker? You're meant to go lighter for the funeral. It's like a white flower event. Is that true? Yeah, lilies and shit. That might be because Princess Diana liked lilies. But

Google what flowers you- it's lighter color. Yeah, that's a funeral bunch right there. Oh, really? You're not meant to be like, oh, drab. You're meant to- That's secret admirer. I think that's what white is.

No, secret and- Isn't it go white means like friendship, pink means love and red means lust. We used to do a thing- Oh. We used to do Valentine's Day at school. You do this? No. No. Okay. So, at our- Yeah, it would have been- So, at our school, we did a thing where for like a buck 50, you could write a secret- They would have banned this by these days because it got too dodgy. But you could write a secret message to a girl or guy or anyone you liked, right? Pay a dollar 50 and then one of the teachers would come and deliver the flowers out to- Oh.

For different kids. Oh, that's not equality. And if you sent white, that was just to a mate of yours. If a couple of girls would send each other white so the more off-putting women didn't have no flowers. Sure. And then the pink would be love and the red would mean lust or I want to fuck you. It was code for I want to fuck you, right? Yeah.

And you'd see like some of the more popular girls, they'd be walking out like with bunches like this. And all the fat chicks would just roll away. Yeah, and you could write a little message on there to your secret admirer. Can they still let that happen now? Yeah, well, we had little chalky hearts that had a word on it. Remember it said like your mind. I wonder what was in those ingredients. Those were fucking disgusting. Forget about it. You never had those? All American candy is no good.

I have a thing. Snickers isn't bad, but Snickers is better overseas when it doesn't use American chocolate. American chocolate's really bad stuff. I'm saying that I'll be playing Hersey, Pennsylvania on Saturday. I've been to the factory and it's literally- I'll go. They don't hide that it's like poison. Really? Yeah, they're like, oh, it's all crap. You watch them put it together and you're like, that doesn't look like it should be eaten by anyone, but it's fun. I did the Lint tour in-

Switzerland, like a couple of months ago, I was out there touring. That'll kill you because it starts off with there's just a waterfall of chocolate. Sure. And they give you a spoon. It's like chocolate factory, the lake, right? You start eating that. As you go along, there's little machines you can put your hand on, they'll shoot out a button of chocolate into your hand. Oh, there you go. And then at the end, you go to the ballroom and the ballroom is every lint ball, let's

that's ever been produced and you can take out as many as you can carry. Everyone's filling up their t-shirts and their pockets and- With chocolate? Yeah, they just give it away. Oh, wow. You'll fucking die in the lint factory tour. You're gonna lose a toe in there. Yeah, yeah. Jeez, well, that's fun. But Hershey is no joke. That place is- The whole thing is built on chocolate.

Yeah. It's just a town. I did a real hell gig there back in the day. I remember staying... The hotel was like... It looked like we're fucking... What's his name? From No Country of Old Men. Javier Bardem. Yeah, with an air gun. Yeah. Remember that movie? I've never seen that movie. What? I know. It's one of those movies that when you say you haven't seen it, people get really disappointed. It's just a good one. Yeah. It's fucking good. It's great. I only saw...

casino the first time for the other day. That's fine. Jeez. You're a movie guy, aren't you? I like movies. I like movies. But, you know, there's just ones that pass you by. Sure. And then you feel like, ah, it looks like it's going to be a hard watch. Right. No Country for Old Men, I'm like, that'll be a hard watch. And everyone else has already seen it. Who am I going to talk to about it? Yeah, you know, The Wire is like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't see The Wire, like, I don't know. I don't have 30 hours. The African used to have that bit. I want to talk about heat now. Oh, yeah. Right. That's great. You guys seen Heat?

Yeah, Heat was one that I just saw. That's a fun one. But yeah, I just saw Casino. Casino is sort of- it's one of those ones that after the film you Google the real people. Yes. And that cunt looks nothing like De Niro. Oh, dude. He was like- in the movie he's like, De Niro, he's like got the tie and all type of stuff. Right. Sharon Stone was this like hustling sort of hooker type of chick that looked like Sharon Stone. Yeah. And the real two of them looked like car park folk. Yeah, there we go. Car park. The only one that got it right was Monster.

She actually looked pretty similar to that. I mean, she'll never be as ugly. After eight hours in a makeup chair. That's called brave. When an actress does that, they call it brave. We're not allowed to play outside our race, right? You're not allowed to play outside your race. Why are you allowed to play outside your looks? Ah.

I get it. That's fucking ugly face. Those jobs should have gone to the ugly people. Yes. Joel Edgerton, is it? What's his name? Taron Egerton. Egerton. Egerton or whatever. He played Elton John in Eddie the Eagle.

Right? He's one of the best looking guys in the world. Look at that guy. What a hunk. Yeah. And he's meant to be Eddie the Eagle or Elton John. Like they have to ugly that guy up all of a sudden. You're right. If you have to be trans to be a trans actor, you got to be ugly to be ugly. An uggo should play Elton John. Yes. Eddie the Eagle got an inspirational movie about him.

just because he was ugly yeah they went can you believe that an ugly man can do ski jump Eddie the Eagle was not mentally challenged right in any way he had no physical problem wrong with him right but they went this is inspirational an ugly person achieving yes and he came last

If he was missing an arm, you got a movie. Right. Just thick glasses. Yes. Well, anytime an ugly person does it, Susan Boyle, we're like, holy shit, she's a talent. But it's just because she's hideous. Yeah. But she's really a great singer. She's better than Taylor Swift. I used to do a joke years ago. What was it about? About like, yeah, that's Eddie Deagle. Ah!

Oh, I should bring this joke back. I never record this joke, but it was basically, it was like if you want to win an Oscar, what you do is you act go disabled. You know, you're Forrest Gumped it up or you're My Left Footed or something like that. But in the few acting jobs I've had, whenever you've got something like the character's got a limp,

That makes your job a lot easier. It's when you're playing like a normal person. If you think the person has a twitch or they've got something they do with their hand or they smoke or something, you've got something to do all the time. Right. Disability is the easiest of all the acting. Oh, yeah. It really is the easiest. You get into it and off you go. Yeah. Right. But I

I want an Oscar for a disabled play normal. Like someone with like- Ooh, now that's acting. Yeah, someone like severe cerebral palsy. Yes. And then you're watching like how they made the movie and he's like, well, we made the film. And you're like, oh shit, he was so good. That's great. You're like, that's it. You fucking got it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I should bring that bit back. That was all right, man. That's a great bit. It's true. You want-

Oh, we were talking about Legit before you got here because that was a great show. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I was very proud of Legit, but it was one of these things that everyone who watched it enjoyed it and no one watched it. But it was- No, I was very proud of that. It was- It was How I Met Brad Pitt. It was one of his favorite sitcoms.

Yeah, you got that first joke in there, that big story about the brothel. The brothel bits in there, the whole thing. Well, that was true. A friend of mine with muscular dystrophy, we took him out to a brothel. We actually did it in Melbourne. But yeah, you have to fudge things. So we made it into Vegas and all that stuff. And I remember watching the first episode. I wrote the script and it was like, we go out to Vegas, we'll go to the brothel, we'll do this, we'll do that. And then...

We filmed it in Portland. So the drive from LA to Vegas is very leafy. It looks like a Bob Ross painting as we're driving through. And a little hooker over here. And then there was a... Happy mistakes. That's all we have. And...

And so the girl and you met Kate when I've- Of course. As soon as I met Kate, right? So I- I met you like, I want to say 12 years ago or something or maybe more. Well, no, it has to be 11 years, 12 years because my son's about to turn 11. Yeah. And I got her pregnant about a week after we met because we were still drinking. Yeah. Right? So, yeah, I got- That was a really fun weekend. I got her pregnant like two months after meeting her. Yeah. And-

Yeah, so my son just about turned 11, so it's over, yeah, about 12 years. Wow. But, yeah, so she played the prostitute in Legit. Oh. So, like, first actress I worked with, I knocked up. Pull her up. I really set a good precedent. It probably stopped me from getting in more trouble, you know. Well, good thing you never worked with Kathy Bates. Yeah.

There's Kate. Wow. Kate. And so I always get to say that to my son. I always get to go, when I met you, I employed you. When I met your mother, I employed her to work as a prostitute. Well, you were paying her and you fucked her. Yeah, yeah.

No, that was- It's not like- Jerk. Yeah. It's not like that wasn't for the acting. Right. You had to learn the role, you know? You had to research. This is your first acting role when you knocked up a coaster. I did. Yeah, I didn't take long. Yeah. It was my first acting job. It's like I always go on about how easy acting is. And I think we can say it because we're on strike. But acting is- I'm not the best actor in the world. But if you watch that, I do a passable job. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You kind of act in your bits, though. You're on stage. You do like, you know. But it's like, never really had a lesson. No, no. Sort of an easy. It's playing house. It's make-believe. And there's a man like Daniel Day-Lewis, Meryl Streep, does next level, but anybody can do the middle ground. Yeah, yeah. That's the whole thing. The elites. There's people who do another step above where you're like, oh, fuck.

- Right. - They're really good. - Exactly. - They're really good. It's the same with comedy, right? There's people who could fucking kill in Ohio and their act stinks, but they're passing it. It's a passable job. But this is like 80% of any great sitcom is casting. Like at the end of Friends, you could have had chimps writing those scripts. Sure.

Those six would have delivered it perfectly. They just would have. Same with Seinfeld. They knew all their beats and how to do it. And they just... Casting, it all comes down to casting. That's the weird thing about Hollywood. It's like...

It's like you'll develop a project for years and you'll go, I've written this script and then they'll give you notes and they'll hand it back and then some executive will get fired and they'll get moved to another network and then eventually you'll get right up to it. Now we're going to make it. It has to be cast in one day. Ah.

You're like, that's the most important bit. I know. Did you cast the rest of the people? I can't. Well, that's the weird thing. You never feel like more of a fraud than when you've never acted and you're fucking judging people's acting. You've got a script and you're like, are you going to be reading with me or what?

I'll be playing the part of Jim and then I'm reading like an ape. Right. And these people are putting on great shows and they leave and then you comment, oh, that person wasn't very good or that person was good. And you think, geez, who am I to fucking talk? Who am I? I had another sitcom that never saw the light of day. It was six days out from being filmed.

And I was going to do a multicam for NBC and we were this close and then COVID happened. Ah, damn. Then we got put in threat. But like they had the whole set built at Universal. Anthony Lepaglia, you might know him. Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah, he was playing me dad. Nice. Yeah, yeah. We decided to bond for a bit. Like we just- We were like- He's like, if I have to play your dad-

He goes, we should- - I should fuck your mom. He goes, we should drink or we should- So we used to get high about once a week together to try to get a rapport. Yeah. Father-son high rapport. Right. This is the part of acting no one tells you about. That's his lovely wife. So yes, we can all say that Anthony's doing just fine. Good for Le Paglia. Yeah, yeah. She's very nice girl as well. She's a Melbourne girl. Hell yeah.

That's Australians for us. Crushing. I'm going there for the first time next week. Where are you performing? Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane. Where are you performing in Sydney?

I don't know. Yeah, I never know either. You just go to the theater, they're going to drive me to anything. I'll have a look at you. Great crowds. You're going to have a blast. Oh, you're going to love it. And they know American comedy. Where is it? At Brisbane at the- Oh, the Enmore. I did that one. The Enmore. The Enmore is my favorite all-time theater in the whole wide- It's killer. Okay. So, I go over there and do like- I can do like a big room where I do a whole multiple-

You know what I mean? Because I love that room. It's a beautiful theatre. Beautiful. And it's in a real sort of hip part of town. So, it's sort of like- If you've ever been to London, it's like the cams. Best Thai food on earth, they reckon. It's all around there. Yeah, best Thai food on earth. Well, it's all the same Thai recipes, but they reckon there's better produce in Australia or something. There's some argument that Newtown, where that theatre is, is the best Thai food in the world. There's an argument.

That makes sense. Get out of here first. Look, I don't always agree. This is what I'm just telling you what these people say. But yeah, you'll have a great time, man. The Palais Theatre, that's next to a fun park on a pier. It's right on the ocean. Melbourne is like 3,000. You're going to love it. That's a beauty. You're from Australia, but you started in England, right? Or did you move there quickly? I did four months in Australia or five months in Australia. I was always going to England no matter what.

The comedy scene still seems small there. I was jumping around to bar shows and it felt like new. Okay, so you gotta think like when I- like 26 years ago or something when I did my first open mic or whatever, the comedy industry- so I only saw comics perform for five minutes

And on our version of a Tonight Show, every two weeks they'd have a comic. And then there was another TV show called The Big Gig where there would be like 10 comics doing five minutes every Saturday. It would be local people. But if I saw an international act, they'd be on this Tonight Show. And we didn't have HBO, so we didn't have any stand-up specials to watch. I never saw anyone do the morning five minutes until Delirious came out. Right. And then that was a cinematic release, so you could get that at the video store. Oh.

Oh, yeah. You must have blown your mind when you saw that. George Carlin to me was Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Jesus. And Richard Pryor was the guy out of the toy and all that. What? That's crazy. Yeah, we did. I never saw him like, you know, my parents didn't buy the vinyl or anything like that. So where was I going to get it? I had no friends who were interested in stand-up comedy. It wasn't culturally as much a thing. Wow. So I just sort of...

I got into it just through local blokes in Australia and, you know, I think part of it as well is there's nothing will convince you to do stand up more than really bad stand ups being around you. I'm not saying they're all bad, but I don't know if I would have had the guts to start it in L.A. or New York. If I showed up to the cellar and just like, oh, I want to give this a go, I'd watch one cut and be like, I can't do that. That's too good. But in Australia, you could go, I think I could do that. Yeah, confidence.

Booster for sure. The levels help because you go to an open mic and you're like, well, I'm better than that guy. Exactly. I just need that reference. I think it would be very easy to start in Oklahoma. Right. You'd be like, oh, fuck it. You could take over that town in fucking three weeks. It's like being an eight in Cleveland. You know, you're like, hey, I made it. And then you move to New York, you're like, oh, I'm a four. Shit. So true. But if you didn't see Carl or anything, were you going up and like, oh, man, there's so many premises out there that no one's tackled yet. You're doing seven dirty words. Well, once I...

Once I started to get into it, then I discovered it. But in my teen years, I didn't really know that much about, you know, going. But then moved to London and did that circuit for 10 years and then came here. But I still very much...

I would say comedy-wise, I identify as British. If that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. If that makes- That was the TV and stuff we watched. Right. Yeah. We watched it like in Australia, we had like a lot of like Monty Python and stuff like that on the TV all the time. A lot of British sitcoms, not much American stuff.

Interesting because now it feels super American. Everything's super American, yeah. And now they get Netflix and they're seeing all the specials and now I feel like the comedy style over there is much more leans to the American comedy style now. That's why we can tour over there. I mean, that's the thing. Like 20 years ago, we're not doing that. Yeah. I got off the plane like, you know Bobby Lee? I'm like, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love that. Yeah, I'm obsessed with podcasts and all that. What's Rogan like? How tall is he? You know.

But the crowds are great. That and more. You're going to love it. So you went from England to LA, right? I went from England straight to LA. But I sort of did LA back and forth for a couple of years living in both. Like it wasn't just like now I'm moving. Right. And it was – it wasn't like a plan to move to –

to america i was just in my 20s it's like fucking wherever the world takes me man so i did montreal then got an agent oh there you go you know what i mean and then you go all right i'll come down and things were happening for me in the uk and i remember thinking i'm starting to do theaters there i should probably just stick that out sure but then i think i broke up with a girlfriend and then i was like fuck it

That's when all best things happen, right? When you've got no one who loves you. When you have no one who loves you and you're living by yourself, you go, I might take a risk. Right. It's when you're strapped down with these things that adore you, that's where your life never progresses. Yeah, rock bottom is all the way up. You know, I can't leave this person who loves me. I can't leave this person. I have to feed it. Yeah.

And you got a viral video early with the punch. I was just going to go there. Yeah, I just- I remember because that was about 2006 and then I just booked my first theater tour and these were like 400 seaters or whatever, but I was out of the comedy clubs, right? Yeah. And the ticket sales were going okay.

But then they went straight through it because this was before everybody had camera phones. Exactly. So, before everyone had camera phones, there was only one bit of footage of this happening in front of 400 people was the surveillance cameras, which was the tape that you asked for after your set to see how your set went. Wow, that's the CCTV footage. Yeah, that's the only footage. So, it's a great, it's a straight on angle and

And you can see all the people. I don't need to watch it. I've watched it many, many times. The only footage, the only viral clips of comedy back then were you getting punched in Michael Richards. I also edited the bit out where I started saying that. That's when you can control the narrative. That was great. And then you come back out, you riff on it, and it's like... Yeah, I... It was...

I remember, okay, so Michael McIntyre who's probably... He's huge. The biggest or the second biggest. Mickey Flanagan's right up there as well in Britain. These are the arena selling comics, right? And Michael McIntyre was on before me. You know, Michael's very funny. He's like a British sort of Seinfeld type act. But he's a smug bastard, Michael. And me and Michael had a mutual respect for each other but...

We like stirring each other up, you know. Yeah. So, I get punched in the face. He's watching the footage.

on a screen, he sees it happen and I get punched in the face and then I go through the backstage door and there's a little tunnel to walk through till you get to the actual green room. He hears me coming and he quickly changes the channel and he turns it over to just like snooker or something. You know, in Britain, they're just like watching darts. Yeah. And he's just like sitting there and I've got like a black eye and he doesn't even turn around to face me. He goes, how did you get

And I go, not good, Michael. They just punched me in the face. And he went like this, no one can follow me. That's killer. Wow, yeah. You had a lady get a heart attack or something? Stroke. Yeah, everyone's had something like EMTs. I've had a...

Edinburgh Festival, so that's just me doing my own show in a little room in case people haven't been to the Edinburgh Festival. So maybe I was in a 200-seater or something like that. So it's very obvious. And the show is just an hour and it has to be an hour. Sometimes with these Edinburgh shows, people are PowerPointing screens behind them. I actually, that was the year I had a screen of the punch and I had one of these pens to be like a football referee and I could show you where the different people came in. Oh, yeah.

It's so funny because that's usually such like an old comic move, but you're literally breaking down yourself getting punched in the face. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which would never happen. Those rooms were like the safe rooms, you know? No, no. You literally get attacked. And like, was it like a bar type environment or no? Well, the people jumped on stage to defend me. And then since then, it's Manchester. So, there was four, I think four blokes came up and started beating up the, you know, I don't have security like Chappelle. Right.

Here's a weird one. Okay, I'll tell this bit first. Anyway, so now in Manchester, when I go back...

Every bar I go into one, I meet one guy who jumped on stage to help me. Oh, classic. Because I've had to buy beers for about 300 people. Right, right. Who claim to be the bloke who fucking protected me. And I can't... One of them has to be telling the fucking truth. So if you ask me, I'd buy you a drink. Right, right. Thank you for that. You've just opened a bad door for yourself. They already know. Word's got...

and out. I think some people are on their second go round. Yeah, right. You're going to meet someone with a New York accent. You're like, I don't think you were there. Oasis is going to come up to you. Hey. What was I saying before? Oh, Chappelle. Oh, so Chappelle. I never met Chappelle. And then LA Comedy Festival happens. He's playing the Hollywood Bowl and I'm at a party and I get the

I've never met Chappelle but I was hanging with my friend Jimmy Carr there. I think Jimmy was actually opening for him at the bowl, right? So I was meant to be there. I didn't, you know, I was allowed to be there. And he waves me over. I get told that Chappelle waves me over and he was very nice. It was a pleasure to meet you. I can't believe we haven't met before. I've watched your stuff. I said, well, thank you, Dave. I've obviously watched your stuff. He goes, yesterday...

Bill Burr was showing me a video of you getting punched in the head. Oh. And he goes, and this is the first time I met Chappelle. He goes, that was some crazy fucking shit. And I talked to him. I sort of had the little conversation we've just had now and all that. I told the joke about the people in the bar and all this stuff. And fucking the next night, Dave Chappelle gets hit on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. Wow.

Oh, that's crazy. And I'm sitting at home like, wow, it's like the dominoes. Yeah, holy shit. He goes, I can't believe someone let that happen. Where was the security? And then Michael McIntyre was going, how'd it go? Jimmy Carr was there. How did it go? He's on next week. Jimmy Carr. Oh, he's on here? Yeah, yeah. Oh, me and Jimmy have been mates for years. He's one of the nicest men in comedy. He said he didn't know you.

It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to remember me to be nice. I'm an unmemorable man. But at least Chappelle had a fucking mob up there. He said Jon Stewart was like stomping the guy. This is the whole thing. He had blokes that beat him up so much. I had to have audience participation. That's even better, though. I feel like staff are given more of an ass kicking, especially what he had, which was guilty staff. Right, right. Like bodyguards who were there too late. Yeah.

Oh, they're going to break an extra limb. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're going to go hard. Didn't the guy have a weapon on him too? He had a knife. He had a gun that had a jackknife that came out of it. So a replica looking gun with a knife that came out of it. I hope that I'm not just- That's the dumbest fucking weapon ever. I hope I'm not just spreading a rumor. No, no. You're right. Or I'm doing Chinese whispers or something like, I see. I got it. Okay. The way. Okay.

You guys call the game telephone? Yeah. And the rest of the world calls it Chinese whispers. I don't know if I'm being racist when I say it. It feels like it might be a racist thing to say, but we call it Chinese whispers. That's funny. That's cuter. I don't know where it comes from. It's not like they whisper more than most or do they? Well, they're very quiet people. I feel the Japanese whisper more than the Chinese. Yeah, especially when they're in the bush.

I made a terrible hole. Chappelle said that it was a gun that identified as a knife, which I thought was pretty quick. It was a gun that identified. Did he really say that? He did, yeah. That's hilarious. So he got a zinger out of it.

But that's like a dangerous weapon to have. Of course. You're going to get- You see a gun, they're going to shoot you. Okay. So that's the photo of the guy there. He's all beaten up. He looks like his arm's broken. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't look in good shape. But you know, did you hear what happened afterwards? Mm-mm. So nothing happens to him. No charges, no nothing. I think there was a little- Oh,

I did hear about that. Maybe because he got the shit beaten out of him so bad he could have countersued or something. Sure. You know what I mean? It was- I don't know. I'm just speculating there. Right. But then like a month later, people look at the photo and it's like, hey, that cunt murdered someone. That's right. He's been on the run. Yeah. It's like, man, if you're a murderer, he's gotten away with it.

-Stanidello. -Lay low a little. -Was he offended by a bet? -You can run on stage and hit me, but don't hit Dave Chappelle. -Go hit Ian Bagg or something. What are you doing? -Don't do the Hollywood Bowl. Get someone at Coconuts in Toledo. -Right. The biggest room in LA. -What was the motive for that? -He was non-binary or something, so he was mad about the trans jokes. -Wow. -Yes.

That's where we're at. There you go. Perfect. That's where we're at. We have offended murderers. Yeah. All right. We'll cut all this out. Cut all this. While you're cutting this, what would you rather have? Are we really cutting this? Yeah. Oh, good, man. I don't want to get involved. No, no. Fuck that shit. Get out of your fucking mind. We don't want anyone- I've been dodging that fucking-

I think there's a Keanu Reeves quote that's like, I'm at the age where I don't want to get involved in discussions. If you say one plus one equals five, you're right. It's a pleasure to meet you. Just agree, agree, agree. Move it along. It's too many fucking crazy... Yeah, we were at a game yesterday and they just took me to like...

I'm playing the MSG Theater on Saturday. So they were, you know, they're giving me a nice treatment at the game and they were, they took me to some, I knew they were supposed to take me to another room, but they're like, you're here. And I was like, okay. No.

My brother was like, are we lost? I'm like, just, they'll settle it out. I'm not going to be the dude who's like, actually, I'm like, no, just, I'll chill here. I got a problem with these free tickets. I'm not fucking saying shit. Back to the show. Yeah, yeah, cut all that. Good though, if you want to bring up me, you know, my nephew died. You just try to split that in.

Try to just work it into the podcast because you're coming in with some real zingers over there. I remember when we first met, you were... I forget which hour it was. I think it was after Alcoholicost. Yeah, Alcoholicost was my best work. Well, that was the brothel bit. That was the brothel bit, yeah. That was my best bit. And it was only called Alcoholicost after the fact because I was...

I was so drunk when I made it that I was like- Really? Yeah, I better name this something to act like it was meant to be. Oh, that's funny. Did you black out during that special? I don't remember making it, no. And I didn't remember making it the next morning completely. I didn't know. What? Yeah, I had no record. Were you terrified that you were like, I just did an hour of- I don't know how long it took you to write. I've had that with women. Yeah, and people had spent money and-

Which network was it? That's hilarious. At that stage, that was for Showtime. And Showtime just did a small recording of it. But actually, because I had the HBO one and then I couldn't really get another special for a bit. And then I got... And this wasn't like... I would have self-funded one. But this wasn't in the era of self-funding specials and just releasing on your own yourself and getting the money doing. And then I got...

I recorded that one myself. I think I put my own money out for that or somebody put money out for that one to show on British TV and it was sold to Showtime. So it aired like

four times and then it's gone and then i did one on epics and that and then epics yeah do that end up on netflix afterwards nah that one's if you want to see that one there's loads of copies of that in your garage you can see that one was called fully functional that was not a bad i think i've seen that though no it's around i think it was on netflix i think you can buy it on apple

Apple or, you know, I mean, I don't think it's hard to get to. And then I started doing just the five specials.

on Netflix and that's been the easiest bit is without having to sell to different, you know. Sure. It used to be they just fucking aired. Netflix is the best thing to ever happen to comedy. Oh, yeah. Best thing to ever happen to stand-up comedy because you're fucking- I go to Asia now, I can sell little theatres out to people who have fucking Netflix. Yes, exactly. And it's on all the time. Competition is good though. I mean, I think it's- if Amazon can like-

get it up or a phone oh no no no no no no no no don't get me wrong it i'm just saying netflix because they really started doing it because now if you get a showtime special it's streamed as well yeah all of them are i still don't know if it's easy to watch showtime though like do you need an app or something it's fine you just watch what showtime on the paramount app oh there you go who has paramount though me man i love telly

No one loves TV more than me. You know what? I'll tell you a pet hate of me. Cunts who don't have TVs. Oh, that's weird. Now, it's not as much a brag because you'll have a computer or an iPad or something. It's not as much a brag. But about-

20 years ago when you met a cunt who was just like, I have a mate who's always like, yeah, I don't watch TV. Don't watch fucking TV. No, that's weird. You don't need that in your house. It rots your brain, that type of bullshit. Yeah, I had to fucking call him about 9-11, didn't I? He was the last cunt to find out because he never left his house. He was always practicing drums and stuff, you know what I mean? Yeah.

That's the happiest man of all time. He thinks they never attack. Yeah, but he always thought you guys- That's true. What do you do? I read books. You're getting old information. Yes. You're not getting any new info. That's true. You got to wait for the paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. The paper, the news, man. But people do that now with social media. I'm not on social media. I'm like, well, how do you-

talk to people or get around or I don't have an iPhone. Like how do you use GPS or email? There are people, you see people with flip phones still. I could go off large, because we're on large social media where we have people we don't know following us. Yes. All right. That's where the problem is. I could be on the social media with the people I actually know, like those 40 people. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

That's what social media is to most people. Yeah, the average civilian social media looks like a lot of fun. I just call in on Jenny's holiday and I really like Jenny. Yes, exactly. Fucking brilliant. She had a pretentious quote. I can zinger. And then I'm out. Yeah, and then I can say, I can actually compliment someone's kids without looking weird because I've met the kid. You know what I mean? Right. But now on the social media we have, we have to congratulate people we know for getting movies. Ah.

Oh, yeah. You got to do the fake. Hey, good job. Congrats. Charlize Theron. I've never met. I was talking about other comedians. Oh, okay, okay. I don't know Charlize Theron. Oh, I'll give you her number. No one's commenting. Like, my brother has Instagram, and it's like...

a lot of follow it's just normal the comments are just that's what it's for no one's no one's calling him michael phelps with down syndrome yeah you know what i mean sorry about that i put up on my social media uh wednesday's coming out so it doesn't feel next week oh okay okay so so just after halloween i put up on my social media a picture of me and the wife

with the baby Halloween blocked out the baby's face because I don't like to show me children and I very rarely put my personal life up on my social media I just put work stuff chat to some people in the inbox but

But very- There they go. Hey, that's great. So, what's the comment section? The comment section is just people shitting on me about how pretty my wife is and how old I look, right? Oh, you could have done worse. Yeah, exactly. Like, here's me bitching. I'm complaining about how pretty my wife is, right? Right, right. But it's like, you don't get that just on the little regular- Yeah. You know, the person with 30 friends. Exactly. It's just like, great time. There's people literally writing on there, she's in it for the money. Yeah.

Is there anything more insulting to how ugly you might be? What do you mean she's in it for the money? My...

I've been paid throughout my life literally for my personality. You think I have no good redeeming fucking qualities. I know, right? It's too much. My wife's always like, how come you don't post about me more? I'm like, because I don't want people calling you a whore. That's all they'll do. Oh, my God. I get comments sometimes like, you have a speech disorder. And I'm like, well, I make a living as a public speaker, so my jokes must be pretty fucking good. Yeah. I'm not offended by that.

i don't know yeah someone's thinking that one day they'll make a movie like like the king's speech where they go through your speech disorder until you're eventually ready to go on stage

"Ah, we'll get that Taron Egerton to play." He's gonna take his shirt off and be like, "Oh, look at Sam's abs. Those are fucking sweet." He's in some show, Blackbird on Apple. Have you seen that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, he is shredded. Really? Yeah, he's shredded. He keeps shaving and looking more effeminate in prison. I know. Not a great plan. Hey, hey, hey, Taron, stop looking fuckable.

When you're about five foot five, don't go into prison looking fuckable. Yeah, right. Try to make yourself as unfuckable. Yeah, just like stop waxing your chest. That's your first thing. Your first thing. You've gone to prison. Stop waxing your chest. Yeah, let it go, man. Who are you doing that for? You're sort of asking for it. Pull up a picture of his face. He kind of looks like hot French steward.

Oh, okay. Do you see it a little? Like a French steward who's like a really hot dude? I can see it. Yeah, he's gonna play Matt Rife in the movie. Although I guess Matt can play himself. He's hot enough. What a hunk.

Those lips. I haven't met Matt. Or if I have met Matt. Sorry, Matt. I don't remember. He's a really nice guy. He's a really nice guy. A lot of people want to shit on anyone having success. That's what we were talking about. When you blow up overnight, people are going to be furious. Yeah, and he's been doing it for a while. He's been cutting his teeth doing it. Found out the TikTok thing.

I don't do the TikTok, so I can't fucking be envious. It's not like I gave the TikTok a go and went, oh, I put all the same TikTok effort in. He did. No. Could you imagine if when TikTok came out, I was the guy who always did that popped up and sort of did something for 10 seconds. Fucking hell.

No, you don't want that. He's bringing hot girls into comedy. Great, great. Bring the hot audience. We haven't had anyone since Dane Cook bring us hotties over. Exactly. We've been starving over here. All the comics. Like Louis C.K. never brought in the hot girls for us. No, no. John Panette. Yeah, yeah. Come on. It is funny when you do a show like I did a show. Yeah, come on, Gaffigan. Lift your weight. Yeah.

right during covid i did a split headline show with jared fried and uh his whole audience is hot chicks oh that's true so it's literally like we just see my audience and my dude it's just my audience just dude skinny dudes with one eyebrow right with a drinking problem and he's got hello to liam gallagher your buddies with him right no i've

I've met Noel once. I've met Liam, but I haven't met Liam. Which one's the hothead? One was like a- Liam's the younger one who was a bit mentally, you know, not going well. But now he's bigger than his brother and his brother was- His brother was the one who wrote all the songs. Oh, okay. And so, one had the charisma and one had all the talent and sort of with together they couldn't, you know- Right. It just shows that we like hot people.

Yeah. Because he won in the end. Yeah, yeah. Even though the other one's talented. He's the good-looking one. I think they both won. Yeah, sure, sure. Great documentary, by the way, about them. That was good. There he is again at 50. Exactly. Yeah, he looks fucking great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what 30 cigarettes a day will do for you kids in a drinking problem. Keeps you looking all good. Keeps your hair in your head. Do you still smoke? No, I don't smoke. I don't drink. I get high. There you go. I'm a little high right now, but nothing too serious. What was the last straw for drinking?

I had so many last straws. I like I had like they go what's your rock bottom and you I got like 10 rock bottoms. They were all like sort of equally. You were so fucking funny drunk though. You were dude I remember being out with you and you were never not you would like land perfect insults on people while slurring. It was very impressive. My best special I was blind drunk. Yeah.

The funniest I've ever been is drunk. The funniest and also, so the best shows I ever had, I was blind drunk. The worst shows I ever had, I was blind drunk. There could also be a crying moment. Yeah, right. I could turn to crying. I never really turned to ag.

grow really. I'm never really an angry drunk, but I would turn to, "Oh, fuck you." I can tell the audience, tell them to fuck off. That's a weird closing. Yeah, yeah. Then you leave, you know, I had a couple of those, but I had some great fucking drunk gigs where I crowd surfed out of the fucking room.

Everyone was like, this guy's a maniac. Wow. And so- Ralphie May tried the same thing. That's how we lost him. But now I have good shows and I don't have the really low shows or anything like that. What were we talking about? Because I was drunk. What was the last straw? Oh, the last straw. The last straw. It was sort of during COVID and I hadn't gone out to drink and-

for a while and so I went and did a comedy club and I was like fuck I'm out and about I haven't been out of the house forever and look there's people walking around and I've got a mask on but I'm vaccinated and all this type of stuff I'm gonna have a drink and

And then I blacked out. I did two shows and I woke up asleep in someone's house that I didn't know. I didn't jag anyone or anything like that. Like I woke up like in a dodgy environment. You're the only guy who wakes up like, oh, I'd shot a bear or freedom. How about that? You know, I'm a dad and I've done that several times in my life, but I was just like, fuck this, man. And then I took up weed.

And I really enjoyed it. I took to it because I never did it for years and I was always a coke and alcohol guy, you

You know, so what really happened for me was I gave up the cocaine and then when I gave up the cocaine, I couldn't control the drinking because I became a sloppy drunk. And as soon as I became a sloppy- Cocaine used to straighten me out. It was the one thing keeping me sober. And then I stupidly gave up that. Right. And then I gave up the drinking and it was all right because I stayed high and the drinking was very hard to give up. But I went to a few

AA meetings and it wasn't really for me I don't like I don't mind going to therapy and talking one on one with people but I don't like sharing a lot you know I feel like I do that so much on these things and so much on stage I don't want to do it weekly and tell you how my week's been I don't want to relive just how I feel about therapy now I do so many podcasts that I show up to a therapist I'm like oh I gotta talk to you too now yeah you gotta

And it's not monetized. Yeah. What the hell? You're in there. Stamps.com. And I was going to AA in COVID on these Zooms and I was doing it with a lot of comedians. They were all really nice and they were really supportive and they were really sweet. But-

Fuck me if comedians don't like to share. Oh, yeah. And it felt like there was a few open micers in the AA. Nah. They were using their alcoholism to make connections. Oh. Networking. Yeah. So... I have glue too, man. We should write together. So it's like the shares were meant to...

be like, I thought about drinking, but I didn't drink and I got close and it was the anniversary of my brother's death or something like that and made me think about drinking, but I didn't drink and I'm real proud of myself. That's what they meant to me. Yeah. This was like, yeah, Tuesday.

Reminds me of a Tuesday back in 1984. And then there were some people, there's some people in like, there's some people that like go to AA and they're like sober and they relapse and they're sober and they relapse. And you sort of look at them like...

oh you're not trying come on you're never allowed to say that you've got to go oh we support you i mean you're like that relapsing tomorrow yeah you can feel it he knows he's gonna do it he just wants to feel good monday to wednesday relapse thursday to sunday and then oh relapsing is part of the cure so you watch that like real and then you've got other in there where you're like it's been 42 years since my last drink and you're like then

Fucking don't do this. You're fine. Right. Go away. You're taking up my time now. Yeah, that's true. 40 years of cut off. I want to hear the people who are going through divorces, have lost jobs. Give me some good stuff. Yes. Rock on. And so in the end, I gave that up. And then when I gave that up, I went, all right. And I was getting high, not too much, but a little bit. And then I thought,

I'll give up the smoking. I vaped for a bit and I gave up the smoking. And when I gave up the smoking, I'd never been more proud of myself for doing anything ever. I never felt better about myself because that, the other ones were easy because it was stupid. Like, oh, why would I take cocaine? You're fucking idiot. You're someone's dad. You're, you know, and then it's like,

Why would you bloody drink and look like a fucking buffoon in front of people? And then when he got smoking, it was such an addictive chemical that was in me to actually beat that. It felt like a real achievement. And then when you tell people about giving up drugs, they...

applaud you give up alcohol say that you're sober you'll get a fucking parade you say it on stage you say you say hey i don't drink anymore people start cheering and your fans were cheering i thought they'd give you shit some of them do but like and people come up with congratulations congratulations congratulations but you give up smoking which is the hardest one and you get fuck all you get fucking nothing people are actually mean to you they go why did it take you so long it was a disgusting

thing habit. You might already have cancer, you may have done it too late and you're just like, oh, fuck, I'd rather do that. Yeah, be nicer to smokers who are giving up. It's really hard. Did you read the book? How'd you do it? Because everyone says it's the hardest thing ever. I just, one day, I just went, fuck this, and just stopped.

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Because I tried hypnotism and I tried going to these special gurus. I tried ringing the Allen car and it would work a little bit, but I was always doing. And if you think about a cigarette, you do this. And if you think about that, you do this. And then you do this thing and then you distract yourself. And then all these little tips they give you, they give you, they give you.

And all that was making me think of smoking. And also, I was like the guy who relapses drinking all the time. I was like, I'll just have one cigarette because I'm a bit stressed or whatever like that, whatever. And in the end, I just went, don't do it anymore. Ever again, this is dumb. Whoever does this is a fucking idiot.

Damn. You should only be breathing fucking oxygen into your lungs. You shouldn't put anything else, vape or nothing. You should never put anything in your fucking lungs. You'd have to be a moron to put something in your fucking lungs. Wow, just like that. And I told myself that and fucking I'm never smoking again. Wow. Damn. And I don't even want one. And when I see people smoking, I fucking pity them. Whoa. I actually pity him. I just go, look at that poor bastard. He's fucking trapped.

Or if it's just she, I go, well, she's up for it. Very rare to meet a smoker these days. I'll just have one. She might be a fun girl because that was part of the thing with smoking, wasn't it? Well, she's making a bad decision. I smoke very, very little and then I ramped it up when they banned smoking in England because-

that was in my early 20s that was the way to meet girls because they stopped the smoking inside and because it's a rainy place they'd always have a little tiny awning at the front of the nightclub or the bar so you'd all have to be tucked into this little area right and then the girls who smoked as i said they were always a bit more fun yes yeah they're up for you know they're a bit more fun we have an expression here if she smokes she pokes yeah

oh really yeah and then also i don't know i wasn't saying that i mean like you can have a laugh with them and have a few i wasn't saying i was going to them right away but i'm just going to say they're not uptight but you went straight to poking yeah that's what i that's what i meant i went they're not you know they're going to party they're down if you smoke cigarettes you're a dirty yeah yeah yeah yeah no i don't put that on the boxes hey yeah my mom smoked uh

Anyway, so- Did she do Mum, will she smell? She did, but she gave up by the time I was born. There you go. But anyway, so what was I talking about? So you get out of the awning and also you have- You got a light.

You got a cigarette? The girls would walk up to you, especially because girls, they don't pay for things like cigarettes or cocaine or anything like that. Sure, sure. They just find someone to give it to them. They go, I have that thing. And if they're attractive, you go, you can have that for free. Hot girl privilege. That's yeah, that's it. That's a currency. There you go. So, that would be the best way to meet girls. But I look at like smoking on stage like that as a premise.

If you go to the London Comedy Store, it's like a 450 seat club where all the seats are in theatre mode right down from the top of the roof to the bottom. So the roof is only about fucking nine feet high, right? And fucking down to the stage, one way in, one way out. And we would smoke-

in front of a curtain. Oh, yeah. In a basement. Right, on that tiny stage. In a tiny stage. Yeah. We used to finish the show. There used to be a comedian who finished the show called Chris Lyman, and his closing act was putting a Roman candle up his ass and lighting the firework in the room.

In the basement there next to the curtain. Big influence on Steve-O. Yeah. Oh, man, have you seen Steve-O's special yet? No, is it out? It is a multimedia... Well, I know he gave me a special link. It doesn't come out yet, but he does a fucking stunt. It's like he talks... He does some stunts on his new comedy special, which...

The ones that were too risky for Jackass. Whoa. Right? That's fine. One of the best, these bucket list of stunts, right? Yeah. One of them, he gets someone in with a legal like because you can't medically get this. This medicine had to be stolen. They still epidural medicine that you give to pregnant women. Yeah. Right, as they give birth. Sure. This is a big needle that goes into your spine.

And it makes you paralyzed from the waist down, right? What? So that women can give birth. Another great way to meet women. Yeah. So, you're paralyzed from the waist down, right? So, he has that- There's no man should really get this. We don't give birth. So, he gets this injected into his spine and then he sees how long he can run for. Oh, that's great. You already know it's great. That's great. And he doesn't-

So he doesn't do it in like a- he's got this blood coming out of his back. He doesn't do it in this like- and he has to get some shady doctor. Yeah, of course. It's like illegal to do this. Like the doctor's hands shaking. And then he doesn't do it in like a sterile, like in a sterile room. He does it in like a fucking dirt track where bulls would have- cows would have been shitting and stuff. Wow. What a gag. So how does it look? Is he just like- Yeah, yeah. He runs, runs until his legs just stop moving.

And then he just dumps and then he's just trying to drag himself and his legs are bare. He's trying to drag himself along with his arms. He said he was getting breast implants for his next... He wants to get breast implants. He reckons he can get them for about two months. The doctors say any longer than that, the skin will stretch too long and it won't look good. Well, it sounds like he's really using quality time of doctors productively. Yeah, well, healthcare is tough to get. He is...

The special starts with him on his roof. Are we giving too much away? No, no, no, no. I'm plugging it. He came on my podcast to plug it. He's been on here. We love Steve. I love Steve. Great guy. I want to plug it for him. He starts the podcast.

With Bill Burr picking him up in a helicopter with a ladder dangling off it, right? They really did this. As the opening. As the opening. Bill Burr flies a military-sized helicopter. It really is Bill Burr, right? With a fucking ladder dangling, picks up Steve-O. What? Right? Flies him along with Steve-O dangling off the ladder. They did this. Yeah.

Then he hovers over a moving tour bus. Oh, my God. And Steve-O jumps off, then swings in the door from the top, hugs his girlfriend, goes, this is my special, dude. You know, whatever he says, you know the Steve-O voice. Jesus. This is so much better than my bit about cereal. Ah, fucking hell, man. It's not. Wow.

How are you gonna top that? It's like now I'm making Netflix special and they're like this, "You don't need backdrops, backdrops aren't in." And like, don't do an intro straight into the jokes. I'm like, "Steve A's fucking on a helicopter, man." I can't believe he did the first bit in a Kobe jersey. That was where I drew the line. But wow, and then he has to follow that with a full hour. That's insane.

I'm pumped. I mean, the girl. I don't think he went straight to the gig. I reckon they filmed him on separate days, to be honest with you. I will go out on a limb and think there's a bit of, you know, there's some trickery going on there. He swings into the theater. Yeah, because when he lands on the tour bus and he gets in, it's still daylight. I had to assume the show was at night. Right. It's in London. Good point. It sets a lot earlier there.

Yeah, I don't reckon he went straight to the show. That's true. Also, the bus doesn't even look like it's driving through England. So it looks like the bus looks like it's out like those flats where they do the land speed records where you're allowed to do stunts. Right, like Nevada or something. Yeah, so in Nevada. Yeah, they weren't even driving in England. So, yeah, I think it's all a sham. Yeah.

Ah, what a hack. Fuck! Don't watch it. Don't watch it. I've changed my mind on it. And I think Bob Newhart did that a while back. Wow, good for Steve-O. Now that brings up the question, Bryan Cranston did a movie where he's in a wheelchair. He should have to get the epidural just to keep it real. Well, yeah, I reckon that's the thing. I'm legit. So DJ Qualls plays the guy with muscular dystrophy. Yes.

for a while and we didn't know this so this is 11 years ago he was getting accused now we had all the other actors were disabled actors except for the one actor which which dj was because also you who wants to work a person with muscular dystrophy for 12 hour days you know what i mean that's tough like who fucking wants to say that like nah nah they're

Another hour, we gotta get the shot. Like fuck off. I'm not doing that. That's true. Right. But he got accused of crip face, they called it. Which is short for cripple. There we go. Isn't that offensive? And also, yeah, I'm like, you can't say cripple face. Yeah, exactly. That's too close to spaz face. You know what I mean? Like you don't- or the R word face. Isn't it bold of me? I'm like, I can say spaz.

Then I go the R word. Hey, got to draw the line somewhere. No, not Crip. Okay, Bloods and Crips. Who was the other guy in the show? I mean like Cripple. Who was your best friend in the show? The bald guy? Dan Baccarat. He's fucking great. Yeah, Dan Baccarat, man. He's in everything. He's in like Veep. Oh, yeah. One time I had an audition for a movie and if I'm talking too much and you- No, please. I had this audition for a movie, The Heat.

right and in the heat there's a character that was an albino cop right and i got real far in the auditions where where i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna get this part right i'm gonna i think i've broken your inside oh that's still there um okay i go i'm gonna i'm gonna get this part i'm gonna get this i've had callbacks they started checking me how i'd look in an albino wig with blue contacts like it was that level of

And so I got a phone call from my agents and they were like, it's between you and another guy, this big movie, Sandra Bullock. Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy. I'm like, all right, between me and another guy. And they show up to work and he's like this, hey, how are you doing? He goes, oh, I'm doing great. I just got this part in a movie as an albino cop. And I was like, there can't be two films. LAUGHTER

So there he is, it's the Alpino cop. Holy shit. Oh wow, look at that. Yeah, they made the right choice. He is a funny looking fella. Yeah, and he's whiter than you, I think already. Yeah, I'm a pretty pale fella. But yeah, Dan's a very funny man. He lives just up the road from me. I go up to his house about once every two weeks and play pinball with him. Hell yeah. And I buy a pinball machine, he buys a pinball machine. And then we're border machines, we swap them with each other.

There you go. So, you always have a new pinball machine. Hey, that's great. Do that with wives. That's next. We have there's his wife. We've done that. Have you been close to any other movies?

That would be funny if that albino part went to a black guy. I had one. When I first moved out here, I got an audition for a movie called Extract. And Extract, it was a Jason Bateman film with Mila Kunis, directed by Mike Judge. Gee, what a roster. And I had audition after audition for this film. I don't know this one. And then they go to me, they go, it's between you and...

And another guy, once again, I was reading it, and they go, we'll hear something today. All right. All right. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. They went with the other guy, and I went, all right, who's the other guy? And they went, Ben Affleck. Ha!

That's his heart, you. What are you talking about? Ben Affleck. Yeah. What do you mean? What the fuck are you talking about? How was I competing with Ben Affleck? And they went, you weren't competing as such. They were just doing the mathematical equation. Can the guy we get for 10 grand...

Give us the same box office as the guy we get for $4 million. Right. Because it wasn't a big part. Yeah. They were like, what is the best- Yeah, best deal. Yeah. Or they were waiting for Ben Affleck to go no. Yes. And then they'll go, we'll just give it to this guy. Who gives a fuck? It's a small part. No one cares. But they're literally calling you the poor man's Ben Affleck. No, no. The poor cheap man's just the horrid man.

The plan B. No one cares, man. Yeah, right. Affleck. Damn. Well, if it helps, I never heard of this. Yeah, no one ever saw the film. That's the only other time that there was like a big movie where I was like, I tell you what I did. I had an audition for Obi-Wan Kenobi recently. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, yeah. And what's his name? I always want to hear Obi say Kantor. What's his name? Aziz Ansari. Kumail Nanjiani. Yeah, Kumail. I was about to say the other one.

my wife's indian by the way i should mention that at this stage i should mention my wife is indian i'm allowed to say the other one as soon as i said it i knew my wife won't be listening she doesn't even know about the smoking

Kumail is Obi-Wan or he's also- He plays this like con man in Obi-Wan Kenobi, like other Jedi who meets, who the guy, who's the guy who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi, you know, the bloke. Ewan McGregor. Ewan McGregor, right? And there's this scene, right? And he's meant to, if you've watched Obi-Wan Kenobi, there's meant to be this scene where the guy's like, he's like, you

He's doing a bit of Jedi stuff, mind reading stuff with this bloke. And then he's helping families pass through this passageway and he's taking some money. He goes, you cannot know who I am. And he's dressed up as a Jedi and he's acting all Jedi. Yeah. And so I did that bit all in an English accent. I went, you cannot know what's going to happen. There might be people watching me as we speak. We should be careful.

Like this, right? So, I'm doing all this stuff, right? And then he gets caught by Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then I thought what I'll do is, because he's a con man, I'll switch back to an Australian accent, right? And then I was like, oh, no. Oh, no, no. What's going on? Oh, I'm really sorry. Like that, right? I thought this was a real funny choice. Right, right. Anyway, my agents and the people who were casting it did not get this choice. And they just thought I forgot the accent halfway through.

And they were like, that was the worst audition we've ever seen. It started off really good and we were really into it. And then can you not do that accent the whole time? And I'm like, what the? And they go, there's no one with an Australian accent in space is what they fucking told me. And then I, yeah, but Boba Fett's from fucking New Zealand, bro. Boba Fett's a Maori fella.

And all of a sudden, we can't have just sort of like a slack-jawed country Australian voice, you know? I think it works. We're taking a few leap of faith in Star Wars. We got Tatooine. Yeah, exactly. But you can't have Leia die and go, or Leia and go, no. No.

This accent definitely limits parts you can play. Yeah, true. So, British people can do romantic comedies. Australians can still somewhat do a romantic comedy, but not as good as a British like a hallmark romantic guy. Love Actually. Yeah, Love Actually. Tom British. Yeah. Like some woman who meets a British guy, oh, I'm awfully sorry. Oh, did you forget this thing? They can do all that shit, right? Yeah, you're bumming.

And for Australians, it turns out now we can do action because you got like that fucking Hemsworth, right? Well, you had Mel Gibson, by the way. Mel Gibson, yeah. Russell Crowe. He didn't always do the Australian. Russell Crowe. Crowe does the accent, right? He's actually from New Zealand, but his accent's more Australian, you know what I mean? But we can't do villains.

You can't have... There's never been a Bond villain who's just been like, oh, he can't. Oh, he can't. Yeah, yeah. He's just like patting a fucking dog. Yeah. What's your name, can't?

Right, right. It doesn't sound smart enough. My name's Bob. James Bob. Fuck you, mate. You fucking think you can come in here? I've got a fucking laser pointed at the moon and I'm going to blow that cunt up, so... You're petting a cat. You're petting a kangaroo.

Fetna koala. Yeah, but hey, I'm Southern, same shit. You can't have a smart guy with like, how y'all doing? Unless it's like a bait and switch. True, yeah, that's about it. But you don't have a Southern accent at all. No, no, I got rid of it. But now we can do the action because of, as you said, we got Mel Gibson, we got Russell Crowe. But like, if you watch that extract video,

with Chris Hemsworth. So, we watched this, it came out, I believe, Mother's Day. And on Mother's Day, we all sat down, me and my sons and my wife and one of my wife's friends, and we watched Extract. And Chris Hemsworth comes on the screen and he's doing that Australian voice that's really deep down there, like, okay, what's the mission and what do we have to do? Yeah. There's a certain bloke from Australia who speaks like this. He's like tough, but he also sounds a little bit caring.

Right. So, that type of voice, right? And so, I go up to the bathroom and as I come down, I hear my wife talking to a friend and she goes, the Australian accent's- my wife's British. She goes, the Australian accent's never done it for me before. She goes, but on him- Oh, right.

Yeah, it's like she really meant it, right? Jeez, I'm right here. And I'm like, fucking hell. And I came in and I said, seriously, you want me to speak like this all the time, do you? And my wife jokingly goes, yeah, like that, right? Cut to...

Later on that night, we're in bed, me and the wife are about to fuck and my wife asked me to do the Hemsworth. Oh, geez. She goes, just do that voice. I'm like, are you fucking serious? And I go, really? You really want me to speak like this? And she was like, fucking getting off, right? So, I fucked my wife as Chris Hemsworth. Oh, my God. But you can't do that to her. You're like, come again. Yeah, exactly. And then afterwards, my wife says to me, and she meant it, she goes-

If you can sound like that, why wouldn't you just sound like that all the time? It's not my voice. Wow. It's like - and I think this comic is really funny but Melissa Villasenor. Yeah, yeah. She's great. She can do like any voice. She can do like that Marilyn Monroe really hot voice but her own speaking voice is - It's kind of goofy. Yeah, it's kind of goofy. Why wouldn't you choose the - All right. So, now you're siding with the wife here.

Now you're siding with the wife? Well, maybe I should walk around. No, but I'm just saying that's what- Yeah, why don't I try to sound like a hot Australian all the time? I guess so, yeah. I always thought growing up, SNL people could be freaky in the sack because you could just do any voice. Oh, yeah, I never thought about that. Really? That's what you think freaky people are? You think the best fuck in the world is Jeff Dunham? Yeah.

I wanted to get railed by Dana Carvey as a kid. That must be free. Or use of access to any type of character. I did not fuck Sam Burrell.

Wow, yeah, I never thought about that though. You got something there. I mean, you just said it with Melissa. It's like she can do any voice. Well, I always - okay, so Eric Banner, right? Yes. You know he was a stand-up comedian. I did not know that. See, this is a thing that Americans don't know, that Eric Banner -

was a very popular stand-up comedian in Australia to the extent where Eric Banner had his own TV show called The Eric Banner Show. Damn. What? Where he did sketches and stuff like that. There he is playing one of his characters, Pooter. How's it going, guys?

Yeah, this is his sketch show, but he also did stand up. He was an impersonator. He also- And then he started impersonating people, one of which impersonations was Chopper. But this is why this guy, because he was an impersonator, was such a banging actor. He could impersonate fucking anyone. So, he just could become- He could do any accent. He could do anything because he was a coink. Like put in Eric Bader Schwarzenegger. Well, it's like Jamie Foxx.

Right. He could just do any impression. He could do any impression. And when you can do any, if you can do impressions, you can do acting. Right. It's a good point. You're doing characters. Yeah. What's his face? Yeah. So here is. Robin Williams. Yeah. Jim Carrey. Also great. It's great to be here. All right. So how does it feel to be the star of a Batman and Robin film?

Well, it's funny, you know, when you're a little boy. It's not great, but you know what I'm saying? That's what he used to do on Australian TV. That's crazy. And then he never did comedy again. Right, of course. So his first movie was like Chopper, and then his next movie was The Hulk, and then his next movie was fucking...

Troy. Jesus Christ. And he's weird like Brad Pitt is going. And he was a stand-up comic like six months earlier. I had no idea. It's weird. It makes me respect him less. I don't know. I'm a stand-up. I'm like, hey, he did stand-up. What a loser. Well, that's what they do. They've tricked us into thinking that what we do is shit. No, this is it. Actors are bullshit. Acting's bullshit. It's bullshit. Three times a 10-year-old has won an Oscar. Oh.

Oh, great point. You can never have it. Tatum O'Neill was fucking good, though. Yeah, but you can never have a 10-year-old great stand-up comedian. You can never have it. I'm going to have to pull up some of those fucking clips. They're so bad, it's great. They have... Yeah, pull up. There's a whole Instagram page. And then read the fucking comments. It's the greatest thing you've ever seen. 10-year-old, just, yeah, like... All right. There's no award for comedy performance. There's no award for best comedy. Yes. But who has to host the Oscars?

Boom. Because they need the show to be entertaining. Yes. Because then if they're so fucking talented-

entertain that crowd of people for three fucking hours without us here here so then and then well yeah if I can man this and there's no comedy award the way they fucking looked at that man after he slapped zapped him and went and comforted the man who abused the comedian who didn't do anything wrong was fucking outrageous agreed the whole acting community every single fucking

Fucking one of those actors who stood up for that man when he won the award should be ashamed of themselves. I agree. It's all about not violent. You got to help each other. Bam. Well, we're not going to do a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll hashtag all day. The more we learn about Will and Jada, the more insane they seem. She should not be doing a book tour. They haven't been together for six years. But they're still living together, right? She just said they've been separated for six years. But I thought they were still in the same house. No, they live in separate houses. But on the same estate? On the same street. Oh, God.

Basically, me and my ex lived that way. You want the kids to be able to walk between the houses and all type of stuff? Sure. That's the ideal situation. But if you're sleeping in a separate bed in a separate house, you're not together. Yeah. And it's like, when do you- Like, what would have he done for her while you were still together? Gone up and stabbed the cunt? Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's what you're doing for someone you've broken up with for six years? You're slapping someone? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, right. And I tell you, that never would have happened if Will Smith was fucking bald.

If Will Smith was bald, because bald ain't fucking people losing their fucking hair, right? I have no fucking sympathy for her losing her hair, fucker. No one has any sympathy for men losing their hair. No one. No one lets us wear wigs. It is harder to be a bald woman than a bald hair. She can wear a wig. She's allowed to fucking wear a wig. We wear wigs, we're losers. If we get hair and we scoop it over like this, we're a fucking...

Fucking loser. If you've got thin hair, you're allowed fake ponytails and you're allowed extensions in your hair. Get the fuck out of here walking around with all your fucking hair. Then one of them, one of them goes fucking bald and you're all outraged. Fuck you. Hey, I'm with you. Yeah, fuck it. I know he's with you. I have zero sympathy for a woman going bald. I have as much sympathy for a woman going bald as I do for a man going bald. There you go. Equal amount of sympathy, which is a lot.

Yeah, no one's helping Jeff Ross. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like hell. But the weird thing about balding. And if you made a bald joke about Jeff Ross, he's fucking wild. I don't know if he's mad, but his wife's like, it was a girl that he's with looking to slap someone. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, the 22-year-old he's dating is just going to see another man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, exactly. Yeah, and it's weird because if you have a comb over, you're either a joke or the president.

You know, it's like Trump's got to fuck up here. Okay, so Trump doesn't have a comb over. I know what Trump has. Please. Okay, this is, I'm the only, okay. I've had a hair transplant. Now, when you get a hair transplant, you take the hair from back here and you put it up there like Jenga, right? Everyone knows that these days. Sure. They pluck the hairs out, they put them up the top. Now, when they do that, these hairs back here never grow back.

Right? I've had one and my hair back here is a lot thinner than it was before. You can take all the hairs out there and just be fucking scar tissue. He's had about six or seven hair transplants over the years and they keep on removing hair back here and they put it up here. So, he does have hair, shitty hair up here. Yeah. Right? That wisps around. Now, what he has is- So, this- There's a rectangle at the back, which is just Freddy Krueger like scar tissue area.

Yeah. Right. So you ever notice on the side he has that hair that whips over his ears. Yes, pull it up. Okay. That stuff there grows down past his nipples. Wow. Like he's like acidic dewy type of hair. Right, right. It's way down there. So he gets that and he whips it behind his head to cover up the square at the back

of his head which is all scar tissue and shit yeah he's the only man on earth to have a comb behind ah right and that's why the back of his head looks like a duck's ass there it is yeah look you see it in the wind yeah it's blown over to the front yeah so that's why he grows out those side wings wow you ever wondered why he has the wings what's the point of the wings because you're meant to keep the sides short to make that top look fuller yeah

He has the wings. Wow. This is a big breakthrough. This is huge. Look, I've tried to tell people. This is huge. Look, I will say right now to Donald Trump, I'll give half a million dollars of my own money to any charity of your choosing if you will show us current footage of you getting out of a swimming pool.

Fully submerged. I don't want to be political in this. I didn't come here to be political. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't come here to be political. This is about hair. Yeah, this is just about hair. And my respect for the man. A good fucking comb-over deserves, as a balding man, I've got to give it to Donald Trump. He has fucking full-

Everyone says he looks like shit. He's a man in his 70s and he's trying to look his best. The cunt's fake tanning, he's sunbedding, he's fucking doing the comb over in the hair. I'll tell you what you can't say. You can't say the cunt hasn't put effort in. Unless you're talking about his diet.

I mean, he has a terrible looking body. Yeah, he only weighs about 190 pounds or something. He's 215. He's 6'3". Yeah. I interviewed Sean Spicer on your TV show. Oh, wow. He was all right. He was a nice enough bloke. You know what Sean Spicer was? Sean Spicer was a bloke.

who got a really big job and he couldn't believe it either. Yeah. It's like, because no one wanted to work for Trump and he's just like a guy that's like, I was just like working in the mail room or something. I don't, you know, he had that feeling to him. Yeah, they bumped me up. And I said, do you really believe that the president's 215 pounds

And he's like, "Well, if that's what the doctor said." I said, "Well, I'm 250 pounds and I'm four inches shorter than him." Right. So, I just - are we sure? Yeah, that's the only numbers he hasn't engrossed. He goes, "What does it matter to you?" And I go, "Because if you can lie about this, you can lie about anything." But I mean - I'm 200 and I'm 6'3". He's not 15 pounds. He's 6'4" or something. He's taller than you. Oh, wow.

than you and how and you're 200 200 yeah and he says he's 215 get the fuck he's like 215 he's 250 yeah he's 250 if he's a day yeah maybe more you know what i mean if he's a day matt but look up uh kid doing stand-up comedy legos oh yeah yeah 10 year olds doing i'm sorry i wouldn't no no i couldn't think of the right one but this should be on instagram and it's worth it just for the fucking comments

All right. Is it? I don't know. Pull it up. This is Kevin Spacey's favorite. Yes. Here we go. How cute is this kid? Just a brag, but I'm the best Lego builder ever. If you don't believe me, I even have a room dedicated to Legos. I build Star Wars Millennium Falcon, Harry Potter chess set, and a tricked-out Bugatti. Come on, shut up.

And when my parents aren't looking, I sprinkle the smallest Legos on the floor and wait for them to step on them. It makes me giggle. I love it. It wasn't as bad as you think. You've never been a parent and stepped on a bit of Lego. This is like when George started getting into Banyo. Yeah. He's pretty good. He's got some stuff. All right, Mark.

I'm with you, mate. I've stepped on Lego. My daddy's never saying about Lego. The only good thing about Lego is the sound it makes going up the vacuum. That's not bad. Yeah, well, George's line, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much. It's a great line.

Yeah, the jar is round, the mug is round. No rounding. I sprinkle the Lego on the ground so my parents will step on it. Yeah. Good ending. The bad kid, if you ask me. Yeah, well, how's the comments? I'm scared to see. Is it just Jared Fogle liking it? You might have to go to Instagram. Yeah, no, let's not get into it. Cut it off. Bad instincts, by the way. I don't want to read people shitting on a child. Like, what is wrong with you people? We were just earlier.

We don't have kids. No, we were earlier on saying people were calling you down syndrome, Michael Phelps, and how it was fucking terrible. Well, he's putting himself out there as well. These fucking comments, stuff like that. And then a fucking 10-year-old has a go and you go, let's look at the little cunts comments. I know, but it's like playing in the NFL. He's going to get hurt. He's too young. It's going to help him develop.

He's going to be 14. He's going to be like, so some guy told me I looked retarded and that's his new chunk. Let's cut all this. He's probably right. Oh, we praised him too. He's got the goods. He might be 18. If he's 18 or something now, come in a way. There you go. You know what? You're right. He's of age.

Because now we should be able to look back on that with shame. There you go. We all make mistakes. If you can look back at it with shame, but if he was just a little kid. I'm with him. Cut that. Cut that part. If he's still a little kid. He's going to be huge, too. He looks like a Lego. Now, I'm sure your fan base is going to call me soft for sticking. No, we should cut. No, no, no, no. We should cut it. No, this is good stuff. You're defending the kid. You're making a good point. I'm a monster.

Oh, you're fine. No, you're not. You're Down Syndrome Michael Phelps. He swims in a pool this deep. We don't want him to drown, you know. I did used to date a girl who dated Michael Phelps. Oh! I remember, yeah. Yeah, it used to be one of me bits. I dated a girl who dated- and she was a nice girl. If you're listening, hello. I've got nothing against that. Very nice lady. Never met Michael Phelps, but I always remember having sex with her thinking to meself,

I can't be putting as much effort in as Michael Phelps. No, no way. There's no way that I'm... And this was him at the Olympics getting six gold medals, right? Oh, my God. He's probably fucking her with them on. Yeah. Just clanging. Yeah, yeah. Like... And I was smoking and doing cocaine. Yeah. Sweating a lot in those days. Sweating a lot. Yeah.

There's no way I was giving her as good a performance. No. He could like hold his breath for like four minutes. Literally, this was his whole job. This was a man who could eat whatever he want because he was burning 20,000 calories every day. So, he just had to keep eating because there was too many calories being burnt off. If I eat like 1,500 calories, I'm going to be fat.

Yeah, he's eating that ass. I date a woman who had sex with Liam Neeson once. What? And I tried to do a bit about it. I have special skills. Yeah, exactly. I tried to do a bit about it. I don't know if you ever watched Schindler's List and gotten even sadder. Oh, that's funny. Never had. That's good. Did you run a train? All right. We're back. Oh, my.

This is a bad sign when Jim is like, you guys are really... I can't say that, Joe, because as Australians, we can't be villains, you see. There could be some historical movies with the Aboriginals. I'm sure we could look at that. Yeah, you've done bad shit. As long as it was in Australia, it would have been set in Australia. Crocodile Dundee had a few. This episode's going to be like a minute and 45 seconds long. No, this is big stuff. I have asked Paul Hogan to be my father. Ha!

Three times. Wow. Every time I do a sitcom where I have my dad involved or I develop, like I had that one where I say Anthony Paglia and then what's his name played my sitcom in legit. Fucking Cheers, right? No, no, no, no. He was the other dad in the show. Cliff Clavin? No, James Bond.

George Lazenby. Oh, he's a hot Australian. Yeah, now George Lazenby played me dad, but originally we had Paul Hogan. Now, George Lazenby, if you know, it was James Bond. Yeah. The one movie. Yeah.

And got so drunk on set. He was the first one after Sean Connery. He bought a gun. He would get drunk and like throw cans in the air and shoot them. Oh, that's great. And then he was signed on to like six James Bond movies. Right? But he showed up at the premiere of his movie with a big long beard, all fucking drunk and Australian like this. And they're like, can you go home and please cut your hair and look like fucking James Bond? Fuck you. It's the 70s.

Peace and fucking love. Daddy don't shave off no beard. Right? He's getting a DUI on the ass of Martin. He goes, do you want out of this film? And he went, yeah, I'm going to be a big star. And they had the contract waiting and he signed his way out. And then for the rest of his career, he was like villains on Bruce Lee movies.

Oh, wow. He was one of like Bruce Lee's coffin bears. But he was the number one male model in the world in 1964. And he played my dad. And then a movie, a woman called Magna Sabansky played my mother. Now she's a famous Australian actress. Pull her up.

Played my mother, right. Now Magda, Magda. Magda. Yeah, Magda Subansky. You thought his mom's name was Magnus? No, Subansky. There she is. There she is.

Now, Magna Szybanski, very funny woman, been in lots of movies and stuff. You'll know her as the farmer's wife out of the movie Babe. Oh. The sequel, Babe, Pig in the City. There you go. She got a white rose. So, she gets to play my mother, right? And so, my father finds out that he's being played by James Bond. And he's pretty excited. Yeah. He's walking around the house all day. I'm James Bond. James Bond.

James Bond me. My dad's coming around corners. Pew. Yeah. Pew. He's pretty good. Like he's a carpenter from Sydney who all of a sudden he's going to be being played by James Bond. He's over the fucking moon. And I ring the house up and my mother goes, you hate me. Don't you? And I'm like, what have I done? I get paid by a big fat woman and your father gets played by James Bond. I don't know why you hate me.

She was a bigger lady, right? Your mom? She was a big lady. We and Sam have a story. I have a couple of Sam Morrell stories that I very much enjoy. And he can tell the second one because I was too drunk to remember this one. Oh, I got a good one. Please don't paint me too bad. Oh, no. Put it. But I'll tell the first one. We'll tell the one about when my mom came home, when I came home from my mom's funeral. Dude, that was... So, Jeff, I mean, I'll start it. You came back from Australia...

I mean, from the funeral? I'll tell the softer one first because this one's more extreme. Okay, okay. The softer one is when I first met you, I was down at – you always open up for me at Caroline's and you're just the nicest bloke. And you were one of the first people to be real nice to me when I got to America. I was pumped to do that weekend. And I got booked after that to do Carnegie Hall and I contacted you and I said, now in –

in the rest of the world, to open for me, but in the rest of the world we call it a support act, right? Support me, right? Yeah. And so I rang Sam up or text him or something and I said, hey, I'm playing Carnegie Hall. Could you please come and support me? I need support. And you went, if that's what you need. Wow.

You're like a support animal. Sam thought that I was an emotionally fragile individual. Well, the next time you were. And then you show up and I go, how long are you doing? And you're like this, what are you talking about? It's okay, you're the opening

Tell me you went on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thank God. No, that was a big deal because my parents came to that show and that was like a gig where they were like, oh shit, this guy wants Sam to open. Right. So they were like, oh, okay. That was when you, I think you were doing the gun bit too. Yeah, I just started doing the gun bit. Legendary bit. One of my favorite bits. I mean, that was fucking awesome. The gun bit, I wrote the gun bit because John Ratzenberg, Cliff Clavin from Cheers,

Right. He really is Cliff Clavin from Cheers. Oh, really? That cunt's Cliff Clavin. When you meet him, he's just like, "Yeah, tell you what the..." He does that all day. He's like, he's like, he liked, he's a great guy. We're still friends. He only likes light bulbs with filaments in it. He goes, "I don't like these LED

bulbs, made by the Chinese to fuel the China army. He goes, these Obama bulbs. Oh, fuck. Like he's like that far gone, right? Yeah. But you know, it's his opinion, right? But anyway, I was with him when- this isn't the funny bit, but I was with him when Sandy Hook happened and we were doing legit and I was sitting next to him.

And he turned to me and the first thing he said to me, he goes, none of this would have happened if those teachers had guns. Oh, damn. When will these liberals learn how many lives there are? And I was like, are you fucking kidding? And I argued with him.

for two or three days. And at the end of the two or three days, every joke of that whole 16-minute routine was written. Just arguing literally with Cliff Clavin. Wow. Like who gets the privilege of doing that? Right. You know, like he's so that guy. He's so Cliff Clavin that that part in Cheers wasn't written. It didn't exist. He went into audition to be Norm. And then as he was leaving, he went, you have a bar, know it all.

And they went to Bar Know-It-All, he goes, "Yeah, every bar needs a Bar Know-It-All." It's like a guy that stands and goes, "Oh, well, actually, you know that the Know-It-All was invented by the Trojans way back in 1876 with the thing with the..." Right. Sure. Is that right? And from that moment, they wrote that character. Wow, that's crazy. I've never got one audition. I've never had a fucking role written for me on a sitcom. That's why every audition now I leave like this just in case, like it works. Do you need a rock?

Like a bloke who looks like a rock. Then I get into the ground and I go, think about it, could be in any scene. Damn, that's incredible. And they made him a mailman, which is perfect. Anyway, so my mother had died.

And I came back. You can tell me the rest of the story. Yeah, Jim, you messaged me to support you again. I knew what it meant this time. And I think we were in Huntington or something. I forget where it was, but...

We were drinking and you had drank. I thought I was keeping up with you, but you had way more than me. You were like putting them back. I was skipping, hiding drinks, going off to the next one. You did like two hours on stage. It was fucking hilarious. I mean, it was a lot about your mom and stuff. It was like emotional, but you had fucking great lines. My mother had literally died. I'd come back from the funeral the next day. It was yesterday.

- Jesus. - So we end up at a bar, PJ Carney's, it's a solid bar in Midtown. - I don't remember any of this. - Yeah, I remember this quite well. 'Cause I wasn't nearly as, I was drinking, but I was kind of like-- - This is one of my seven bottoms. - Yay, there we go. - This is one of them. - Well, but it's pretty funny. And I've never told this obviously, 'cause I would never tell without your permission. But we're in the bar,

They're like, we're closing in 20 minutes. Jim, in classic Jim fashion, throws 100 on. Three rum and Cokes. Three rum and Cokes. You know, we get six drinks immediately. We're downing them, whatever. I was like, all right, I'm fucking buzzed now, whatever. I don't know what you said to some... First, there was a heavier woman next to us. Very loud. Talking, like... At one point, she says something like...

I don't need a man to take me around town. And Jim just turns to her and goes, of course not with your gravitational pull. I was an emotional. She laughed. My mother had just passed away. But she fucking lost it laughing. I mean, I was like, that's Jim's charm in the bar. So I'm fucking like, Jesus Christ, what the hell is going to happen? In my head, I'm like, maybe he's a little drunker than I thought. I don't know.

Next moment I know he's drunker because I don't know what you said to some woman but her boyfriend just like charges What the fuck is going on? I stay in the middle. I'm like, hey man, like he's you know, he's just drunk It's not a big deal. He's like I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you and he's like loot like scary, dude I have a vision of that. Yeah, and I think I locked myself in a bathroom. No, no, no He got locked in the bathroom

Jim was just like kind of, Jim, he barely even noticed this. I'm like, dude, come on. You got to chill out. I'm like trying to put out the fire. Some people from the bar, some lady, who's pretty badass, got in the middle. Two dudes grab him, throw him in a fucking bathroom, lock him in there so he can't get out. Whoa. They put like some board in there to lock him in there. He's just banging like, you motherfucker. And I go, Jesus Christ. I sit back down and Jim goes, one more drink. Yeah.

I was like, we got to get the fuck out of there. So I remember walking Jim back to his hotel and the next day you picked me up in a car. We met something and I was like, that was a fucking night. And you go, I don't know what you're talking about. I remember one bit when you told me that I said that you go, you go,

"What did you say to that bloke?" And I turned to you and went, "You know me, Sam." I wouldn't have said anything. That's right. That's right. You did say that. Jesus Christ. No, we had a couple of fun on that. I was in quite a destructive mood. There was one other that was hilarious in Milwaukee. And I don't know what you said to this guy, but I show up. I was playing a- Oh, that one wasn't my fault. That one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

And the theatre I was playing was over the fucking road. So everyone who had been in the bar had been to the fucking show. So I'm holding court with like 15 people gathered around me. I'm feeling the situation out. I'm roasting all the people that want to be fucking roasted, right? Everyone's laughing. I'm crushing. And then this bloke walks up and...

I'm roasting this one girl because she said something to me and back and forth. Everyone's laughing. He goes, hey, you shouldn't speak to a lady like that. Oh, boy. He was the one bloke not at the show. Yeah, right. He had no reference point, right? So he jumps across and tries to start beating me up. Everyone gets tackled and then I turn around. Oh, Sam. I walk in as this is happening. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'm like, I was just chatting to people, man. I walk in as Jim says to the guy, you can't get to me. My fans are too strong. I'm like, what the hell did I just walk into? I lost it. It's so funny because a guy tried to punch me. I was surrounded by people who had just come to the show. So it was like this barrier.

He just picked the wrong- He thought the girls would be like, ah, there's a gentleman sticking up for us. He picked the wrong situation. Wow. It was fucking hilarious. No, I've had some of the funniest nights ever with you. That was the thing. I'm glad you're sober, but fuck, you were a funny-ass drunk. I still get high and have a- I still go out somewhat. I don't go out into bars as much anymore. You know what I mean? It's a lot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And also now it's sort of like-

Like I host a game show in Australia. It just doesn't feel like a game show type of guy. You never saw Pat Sajak being thrown out the street calling everyone a cunt. You wanted to, but yeah, it's true. Like Alex Trebek, there was another. There was never just him out the front of a burger bar. Right.

spouting off and rubbing his nose. Calling a woman fat. Alex Trebek's at a titty bar. Well, she was rather big. At least you said it in a clever way, though. You got a laugh out of her. Yeah, yeah,

Regis Philbin at a brothel. Well, there was that guy Access Hollywood, Pat O'Brien. Oh, Brian. He did get the boot for that. Great video. Well, I like to think that I've set somewhat of a precedent for the... But the game show is weird because it's just... It is fucking...

I have a game show where I have to only read 15 questions and I learn the- because I can learn the questions before I go out there. I learn it like a script because I'm really bad at reading. And so that's my biggest fear is the reading of the questions. I'd be good host of- is it cake?

Right. He did that. I could host that show all day. One question, deal or no deal? Yes. Oh, that's in my fucking wheelhouse. Couldn't do Jeopardy to save me life. No, no. Nothing with a speed round. If there's a speed round, it's all over. Panic, yeah. I could do Family Feud because all you got to do is react. They're like, what's six inches? And the lady's like...

My husband's penis. And you're like... I tell you what, though. Who's the guy who hates you? Harvey. He's good at it. He is...

The greatest game show host in the world. I've done it. And the respect I have for that man and his game show hosting ability, he is second to none. Yeah. The way that he keeps it light and he's still somewhat cheeky with him. His laugh scene is genuine and he feeds them laughs. Yeah. He is a fuck. Because I've done it, man. It's hard to make them look funny and make you look funny. I can make me look funny. But he has this wonderful...

He's very good. He's good. Good. I didn't respect him. I didn't think about him. Right. You know what I mean? Right. But the utmost respect. He's the Elvis Presley of game show hosts. Right. Well, this is his calling. This is- He nailed this. He killed it. You text me a peeve before the show.

People who hate the Beatles. Yeah, fuck people who hate the Beatles. Interesting. Fuck them because no one hates the Beatles. Everybody likes the Beatles. Everybody likes... Everyone has a song from the Beatles that they enjoy because the Beatles covered every fucking genre. Or you don't mind the Beatles, but you don't listen to Here Comes the Sun and think it's shit. Right.

You don't. You just don't. It's too good to be shit. That's just the contrarian. It's the same cunts who don't have TVs. It's the same. These fucking people. Oh, the Beatles. I don't like the Beatles. What's your favorite band? And they're always like, my favorite band is Moth. There probably is a band called Moth. Probably, yeah. But you're like, give me fucking...

Your top 10 moth songs. It turns out moth has three hits. I can't get past it. And I'm like, name me 20 Beatles songs. And everyone on earth over the age of 20 can name 20 Beatles songs. You just can because we all fucking know them. So it's such a wankers. Oh, the Beatles suck. They don't suck. Even if they're not your jam, they don't suck. Yes. And they're too proud to tell you.

They're like excited. Like they think it makes them cool or something. Exactly. I'm a contrarian. And what makes them suck? Paul McCartney went to the improv for like a fucking week. What? He was there every night. About four or five years ago. He'd just done Dodger Stadium and he went to the improv and he was sitting in the corner the whole time. And then he like-

No one knew he was in the room. He just sat in the corner booth with his guitarist and the staff told us, oh, by the way, Paul McCartney's in the room and he's just sitting over there. So you're up there, you're doing anal sex jokes, the stuff I do, talking about fucking people in the ass. Every now and again you've got to look over and see if Paul's laughing. LAUGHTER

because you i you desperately want paul mccartney to like you of course you don't want him walking out going i hate that guy yeah kill you right kill you then you'd be the dude who hates the beatles you have to be true to yourself you have to do your anal sex bit you gotta do it gotta do you and then and then like i so i remember it was me aziz and sari and uh the other one and

And Judd Apatow. And the three of us aren't mates. We've never hung out together. I don't have either of their phone numbers. We were just the comics that were on the bill together. Yep. And I remember they went, oh, he's in the toilet. And the three of us went and stood out the front. The security had blocked off the toilet. We stood out the front of the toilet with our phones in hand, like ready to...

You know, we'd just been on stage to have our bit with Paul. Yeah. And he comes out and he was fucking- Geez, he was famous because he gave us all two seconds of his time and kept moving enough to make us happy without stopping. It was like remarkable to watch someone that famous negotiate through three people. Totally. He just went like this. He goes, didn't know I'd be recognized by you superstars. Hey, you were funny. Oh, you're a dirty boy, aren't you? Hey, love your films. And then he was off and we all went-

And none of us got the photo. Wow. And we were all over the moon. Yeah, perfect. He's a politician. He remembered us. He remembered what we'd just done on stage. He made a little comment about us that seemed nice. Yeah. Fantastic. A moment's better than a photo. Like one that you really remember like that. I'll tell you what I don't fucking understand is why the fuck is anyone on earth getting any autographs anymore? Hmm.

Oh, yeah. Because if you meet a person, you take a fucking photo. We used to get them as a look. This person touched this thing or this person. So people will come and wait and they'll get a photo with you and then they'll go, and can you autograph this napkin or something? And you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. You've got the photo. I know. I understand if it's a DVD or something. Or like a sports jersey, like a game or something. That's like the only thing now. But if you or can you put your name in my autograph book?

Yes, that's a big one. It's a weird one. I don't get it. You know what's the worst one? Do a shot with me. Like, I don't want to do a shot with you. I do meet and greets. And what I do is at the end of my show, and I like talking to people. I enjoy talking to people. I take an edible. And so my meet and greets take about an hour. By midway through the hour, the edible kicks in. And I'm a bit high for that last half hour every meet and greet, right? You know...

That you're talking too much. When someone pays $100 to meet you and they end the conversation first. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's when you know you've really blown it. Yeah. Jim, I got to go. I got to go. This person would do anything to me and they're like, yeah.

all right the meters run in there i'm definitely at the moment where someone recognizes me and then they'll talk to me for a while and i'm like i think they want a picture so i'm trying to be polite so i'm like do you want a picture and they're like no oh no and then you feel like a real you feel like a real idiot no i i i always i gotta go you wanna did you want a picture like that i try to make it seem like i'm escaping but i one i don't like is um

And everyone's dead nice to you, but no one comes up to me and says they're a fan of me. Everyone comes up to me and goes, my husband's your biggest fan. My brother's your biggest fan. I got a guy at work who loves you. Yes, exactly. What do you think? Right.

You don't like me? I don't mind you. Albert Brooks calls it the comp you salt. He's like, if you wait long enough, they will eventually insult you. You know, like, I like you, but my wife hates you. Hedberg had the bit too where Hedberg, it was like, someone says they saw me on Letterman, but they didn't say if I was good or not. They just confirmed I was on Letterman. I saw you at the store. Yeah. Yeah.

No, he's great. I also have the people who come up to me and because comedians, we talk so much about our personal life, they come, they talk to me with such familiarity. They ask me how my son is. They ask me things go good in whatever or sorry to hear about, after my mum died, sorry to hear about your mum. They'll come up and say something like that and I think, is this a fan or is it someone I know? Oh,

Oh, weird. Or is it like a work person? Yeah. Like an agent or something or, you know, someone I should fucking be polite to, you know? Right. And so, you should be polite to everyone. But they, she might be a big woman. Anyway, so. Magda. So, the

The woman at the bar runs CBS or something. You can't be polite to everyone. Come on now. Anyway. Gravitational pull? Was that you? So I always like sometimes you case it out and you think, oh, no, this is a work colleague. And you do this one. How's your family going? Oh, yeah. Just take a punt. Sure, sure. How's the kids? It looks like a dad. Right. Check if there's a wife. Check if there's a ring. Yeah, throw it back. And it turns out they don't fucking know you.

They're like, "Ninja's a fan and you're getting fucking creepy." Right, right. As your kids. As your kids. Are you guys working on any bits? I got nothing. I got, fuck, I don't know if I've run the last one. Do you have anything good? You want me to try out everything? Might be too dark. Might be, I don't want to scare Jim. Oh, yeah. Very sentimental. I'm a dad now. Very sentimental. We'll try it. So I was, I used to have a real thing for black women and I was at a strip club

And uh... But you used to have them, that's kind of racist. You no longer like them? Now they're dead to me. Can't stay in the entire race. No. But I'm married now, so you know. Yeah, so you don't like other women anymore. Exactly. Your dick's dead, just only one woman you find attractive in the whole wide world. I'm gay now. I didn't know you were gay. I'm with you. So I was at a strip club and I was, you know, this beautiful black stripper lady was like, hey, she could tell I was super into her and she's like...

20 bucks, you can touch anything you want. Anything you want. I was like, hey, I'm not falling for that. She's like, 20 bucks, you can touch anything. It got pretty freaky. And I was like, all right. And I gave her 20. I touched her hair and they kicked me out. Has that been done? All right, all right. That is funny. That's a bit, I think. Okay, great. I haven't tried it yet. Yeah, I didn't know that. I think I won't be upset by that. But no, has that been done? No. Okay. I don't know.

I had one that I was working on. I don't know if I tried it already. But I got really drunk a couple weeks ago at a steakhouse. I got fucked up. I go home. I get on my phone. I'm just scrolling Instagram, and I'm just getting childhood cancer videos. And it was fucking me up. I was really sad. I was like, what the fuck? Life is unfair. Life is bullshit. I was fucked up. And I made a huge donation to a children's cancer hospital. And then I woke up the next morning, and I was like,

That is a bit more than I would have given sober. Right. Which is not anything you can do in that scenario. You can't be like, hello, American Express fraud. Yeah. Some fucking asshole stole my card, you know. You can't like get it back. Some philanthropist took my card. I once had someone steal my credit card. I always thought this would be good in a sitcom. I've never done it in a bit. But someone stole my credit card.

And the illegal charges, someone rang me up, there's weird activity on your card. And the illegal charges were all like Ross buying like kids shoes and shit. Like it was like- Whoa. And there was like putting gasoline in a car and all that type of stuff. And I thought to myself, I think this person just needs it for a bit. So, I didn't report it for two weeks. Oh, let them live a little. Yeah, they weren't doing crazy purchases. It was like shit they need. Yeah. Right. Yeah, like

You put diapers on there and stuff like that. I'm like, yeah, I just monitor it for a bit. I let it keep going. You got milk. Good for you. They're not trying to buy luxuries. And they went to Whole Foods. You're like, fuck you. You don't have to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're allowed to go to Ralph's. You're allowed to get some groceries at Ralph's. Don't go crazy. If I see like luxury items. Yes. Oh, no, no, no.

I had one routine that I've been- I wrote this week that I don't know if it'll work as such. All right. Oh, well, this is- Okay, so my wife is- This might be racist. This is how you find out on a podcast. My wife is Indian visually, but she's British. So, she sounds- She has an English accent with an Indian face. Sure. It never goes the other way, does it? Yeah.

That's true. That's true. Has that been done before? No, I'm trying to picture a white British lady. Have you ever seen like a British person who's like, who went to like India to go find themselves and then come back? I won't do the voice, but... I think that should be part of the bit. I won't do the voice. I won't do the voice. I'm not going to do the voice. That's true.

You never see that. No, you're right. And if you did see it, you go, I'm thinking of all the races. I've seen white Jamaican voice. That's a weird one. What? You've seen that? Yeah, yeah. There's like white people in Jamaica. I've never seen the- You've never seen a white person with a Jamaican voice? Like, it's Iron Man, your man. Yeah, like, how are you? What would you like to- I've seen that.

I've seen that. And then it looks like, it feels like. I think that was just a James Franco movie. Oh, yeah. Is he white? No, but that's, but you know what that is? That's what they call like in London, that's like the British kids all start getting that because they're trying to act all sort of straight. Sure, sure. And all that type of stuff. But if you go to Jamaica, you'll meet a white person with a Jamaican accent. Wow. That's fun. Just take an accent. Oh, Chad Hicks. Pick up the whole island.

I love that fucking guy. Chet Hayes. Chet Hanks. We've got to get him on here. Chet Hanks is like, how easy did you want life, man? How easy did you want it? Like,

Like imagine if you came from a tough life, man. Like fuck it. You fuck this dude. Right. At least like my dad was never around. And even then, he's still doing all right. Yeah. Everything's still fine. He's great. He still has a probably good life. Yeah. I got to say I'm concerned about your feed though on IG. It's like kids doing Lego bits, cancer kids. Oh, you got a point. Yeah. I only put in the clean parts.

Why were you looking at kids doing cancer? It was one video that came up. Kids doing cancer. Kids...

Kids doing cancer material? No, it was a basketball player with like a kid who had cancer and he was- it was a basketball clip but it was a kid with cancer. Got it. I get a lot of basketball in there. I think it's a funny bit though. Oh, it's a great bit. Yeah, I'll play with it. There's a lot there too. That's the whole thing like with any like disease or disability, if you make a joke about any of them, I don't give a shit if there's a person in my audience with that disease or that disability.

Because I like to think people can see that I'm joking, right? Also, the joke's about me though. It's not even about them, right? The one time I have a problem is when- and this happens several times. Someone stands up and goes, hey, my kid's deaf. And you go, but I would let a deaf adult read the joke. Yeah, that could be a funny angle. He'll never hear it.

We all said that. How did you do it? How did you do it? You're the one with the bad hearing. You're the deaf one. Then you made the joke, but when he did it, you did it. Yeah, but you did it so mean-spirited when you did it. Oh.

Ah, man. Bloody mean person. I got one. Can I ask you if this is, and if I should drop this? Sure. And I'm probably going to drop it anyway because it's got a shelf life, but because it's about the Dylan Mulvaney Bud Light thing, but I think like it's just a little over. I'm probably going to drop it, but I'll tell you anyway. Well, I like that Dylan Mulvaney was on the Bud Light can because I would look at the can and when I find her attractive, I would know that I can't drive home. Oh, that's funny. You got a key? No, that's a great angle. That's a good angle. I've heard that bit. You got to keep that. Okay. I was thinking about dropping it. That's good.

All right, well, I'll drop this one. The main shooting at the bowling alley. What do you got? Did he rent the shoes? You know? And they're like, what size? He's like, AR-15. All right, I'll drop it. I like the first part. Okay. Give me the end of your joke again so you see that it's the trans person. When I find her attractive, I know that I can't drive home. Yeah. That's great. Okay, so the tag after this is because I have to go to her place to fuck her.

There we go. Hold on, I got one about Chinese whispers I'm working on here. Jim, where are you going to be on the road coming up, man? When did this come out? Because I haven't sold out the Beacon tonight. I need help with that. Oh, shit. Dude. No, tomorrow's sold out. I just want it to be known that Friday sold very well. Thank you. You added. Yeah, we added a show that did not sell out. There was an added performance. I'm going to be in like Tyson's. That's a great room.

It's basically D.C. I'm going to be Austin, Dallas, someplace there in Oklahoma. Oklahoma. Tyson's, Virginia, and then Las Vegas will tie us out of the year. And then, you know, just go to jimjeffries.com for all other dates. Also, I have a podcast called- I'm here in Vegas the week after, man. I'm missing you by a week. I don't know about that podcast. You're doing the same? You're doing the Hard Rock? I'm doing the WAN.

Oh, you're doing- You get the nice golf course. I don't get the nice golf course. Do you golf? I do. I don't- Get him on the course. I've got my brothers coming out to- Damn. For the month of December and we're going to go do Australian- We're going to do a golf trip. I did not know you golf. I'll tell you about it when we get off the radio. I've got a funny story that I don't want to mention here. All right. Because after the things that have been said, this one's too sensitive. I hear you. Is it March? Des Moines is in March. Kansas City in March also. Cape Town-

Is that Cape Town, South Africa? Yeah. We don't have to go this far ahead. I'll be doing other podcasts before we get to fucking April of 2024. Let's just promote the next couple of weeks. Jesus, Alex, what are you, blind? This isn't the last promotion I'll ever do. Maybe I'll get the Jefferies Mum for Australia. So I got Australia coming up all over. I got Vegas, New York.

Florida, yeah, Fort Myers, Tampa. Then I'm doing some clubs before I tape a new special in March. So all over, Buffalo, some bullshit. I was about to do this. For all my Australian fans, go out and see Sam. And then I remember, this is your podcast. We might get a bump from you, though. You never know. I'm watching Steve-O now because of you. All right, I'll be opening for that fat 10-year-old. And I'll be in, guys.

Denver, The Beacon, Hartford, Concord, Mobile, New Orleans, Santa Rosa, Sacramento. You can go marknormancomedy.com. Buy some Bodega Cat. We got our own whiskey. And get on the Patreon or get some merch. Do we even have a Patreon? I don't even know if we do. I assume. You can hear that. Oh, hold on. Time to take your medicine. Earth control alarm. Thanks for listening, guys. See you next week. It's feeling dangerous.

to lunch here at noon.