Ep 149: Russell Howard
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Hey, folks, here we are. Oh, shit, wait, let me change shirts. Oh, jeez, it's too late. The magic's ruined. They know it now. Son of a bitch. All right, well, we got old Russell here. Yeah, yeah. And Winnie. Winnie, who's looking particularly aroused by you changing your shirt. Yeah, who isn't? Tongues out. Yeah. What are you doing across the pond? I'm doing some gigs. Nice. Yeah, I'm doing an East Coast tour.

which I'm really excited about. So we kind of, I'm going to a place called Durham tomorrow. I've never even heard of Durham. Durham, North Carolina. Durham, Durham.

So how was I pronouncing that differently? Is that what we do when we come to... Yeah, but Durham is Durham. Durham. Durham, yeah. You got it. It's Durham in the UK, and it's weirdly a very kind of posh place in the UK, right up the north. So it's in question. Yeah, that's not what it is here. Yeah, right. But it's in a very skanky area in the north of England, and yet it's quite sort of...

Posh. Durham's a cool city. I mean, North Carolina's pretty cool. Pretty cool. The big cities there, North Carolina's got Durham and then Raleigh-Durham. And then you've got the cool, they have artsy cities like Wilmington or Asheville. They've got smaller. Very hippie. Yeah, it's a cool state. Nice. I've been to North Carolina once. Me and my mom did a TV show, like a travel show. We had to do this kind of speedway thing.

thing where I was in a car smashing into other cars in front of like 5,000 people in this kind of weird... We call that the Tiger Woods. Mate, it was fucking incredible. But it was all like proper weird Trump flags, Confederate flags. It was fucking peculiar. Yeah, but that's... My mum was there commentating, cheering me on. Ah, ha, ha.

But desperately. So you did a show with your mom? Yeah, yeah. Whoa. So it's kind of, we did a travel show years ago when we traveled around America. What? How was that working with your mom so closely? It was great. My mom's really funny. But the bad thing about it is that after a while, you become like work colleagues. Yeah. And then you're kind of like, that horrible moment you turn to your mom and you're like, yeah.

Like that, and you kind of raise it a bit, and you realize she's just your mother who's just bewildered because you're in the middle of India, and you're like, come on, let's try and make this a bit funnier. Oh, that's tough. So it was a bit... It kind of... It was great, and then at the end, it just got a bit...

we were sort of slightly resentful of each other so we had to stop so we could become mother and son again. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, colleagues was weird. With my mom, I bitch about everything. I'm like, oh, this gig sucked but now she's with you. So she's like, yeah, I'm here. I get it. Yeah. I'm pissed too. And she realized what it meant to not be sad to be away from home. Ah.

Because you're on the road, you're enjoying yourself. And everyone's like, oh, you must want to get home. And you're like, no, really? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? That's what all stand-ups have. You love doing the road. I love it. Don't you? I do. I get to a point where I'm burnt out, but then I come back and I'm like, I missed the road. Yeah. I'm always grateful to return, but I do love... I feel like that's the only way to improve your act is to, you know, hit the road hard. Oh, hell yeah. But you just see just so many different parts of the world as well.

you know it's like we were talking the other day about like gigging in lisbon you learn so much about stand-up seeing if you can make your act work in portugal yeah they listen to you in their second language right and stuff works stuff dies and you sort of see how strange your culture is compared to theirs and well i think you'll find the east coast because when i got to dublin and london i was like all right i'm home because you know lisbon was it felt like a barrier and like

Germany was a little barrier, but those two, or Manchester or Birmingham, that was like, all right, I can just do my act. Yeah. I can be myself. I don't have to try to adapt a little bit. Yeah, Holland is the big one for me. Have you kicked in Holland? Oh, I did Amsterdam. Yeah, fuck me, because they don't laugh. They don't laugh. That was amusing. Here are my teeth. Yeah. For like an hour. They just smile at you. And they clap. They smile, and then at the end, they go ballistic.

And you realize the gig's gone fine. But why is it? Because they're concentrating so hard. They speak five languages and you're there just churning out language. Yeah. And you think you're speaking at a normal pace. But words like nicking a cow doesn't mean stealing a cow. It means cutting a cow. Oh.

So they've gone on different variations. Right. I mean, I don't know Nicky Nickow either. That's what I mean. So I was talking about this in Denmark and I just said the phrase, one of my mates got pissed and Nicked a cow, which in America would mean my mate got angry and stole a cow, but it meant he got drunk and he...

Well, how do you steal a cow? Well, exactly. That was the whole point. I see. He was bullshitting. But the point is they went on a different journey. Do you know what I mean? Of course. You sort of realize the importance of words everywhere. Do you know what I mean? It's the whole business. But I noticed the prettier, don't take this the wrong way, the prettier the city, the worse the crowd. Hmm.

Like, Lisbon is beautiful. It's, like, breathtaking. These cities with the alleyways and the cobblestones, but the crowds were kind of, they were a little, felt distant. And then Amsterdam is so cool looking and so pretty, but the crowds were a little clappy. Miami. That's interesting. Miami. Great town. Hot women, big fake butts, big boobs.

Bad laughs. Oh, really? Yeah. And New York, complete shit hole. Good crowds. Well, yeah, it's a pretty city, but you got the guy jerking it. Is it a pretty city? The skyline's beautiful when you're in it. Pretty in a rugged way. Yeah. I don't know. It stinks of weed and piss. Well, there you go. I know, but that keeps us humble. The actual architecture is good. Yes. That's what you think they're pumping in the smell. Yeah. Okay. It keeps us human. Yeah.

Right, right, exactly. I've been on the subway twice and I've seen three assholes and one bloke jacking off. Really? None of them. I thought you meant us. No, no, no. But they were just so like, this guy was just jacking off in a real ho-hum.

Like that. And it's like, surely if you're beating off in public, there should be a bit of excitement to it. And nobody was, everyone was just like, oh, another day, another guy jacking off. Here it's like directions. You take a left and the jerk off guy, you know. It's pretty common. What if he's not there? He'll be there. Yeah.

He's on the D train. Yeah. Every time. My mom, this is what I learned a lot about my mom. She came here to come visit me. And I was like, take the F to meet me. And we went out to dinner. And there was a guy jerking it. And she didn't bring it up until like two hours into the night. She's like, I miss your father. Yeah.

Yeah, but I was like, hey, mom's fun. She doesn't, like most women, pearl grabbing. Oh, but my mom was like, oh, yeah, there was a guy jerking it. Do you know, my mom did that as well. How funny that in a flat that I used to live in, Maida Vale, there was a guy who was, I'm probably thinking about this because of Winnie, but he was getting jacked off by his girlfriend and he was holding a dog on a lead next to a tree. And my mom went, and I didn't know this was the scene that my mom was beckoning me towards, but she was like, look out the window.

Oh, wow. So my mom kind of took me to this kind of live OnlyFans. Yeah. But she just didn't care. She's like, look at that. So he's getting jerked off and the dog's on a walk? Yeah, and the dog was, yeah, exactly. That's a bad walk for the dog. It's a terrible walk. But there's so much going on. And the dog looked like this had happened before.

The dog wasn't looking at him as if to go, oh, come on, Jeff. Right, right. Do you know what I mean, Winnie? It was that sense of, yeah. That's when he lost the eye. Yeah. He got hit with jizz. It ruined him. Sorry, I want to miss gender. What have we got here? These are some treats. Oh, okay. She's been good. You've got to give her some treats. What is that?

It's like beef jerky for dogs. That looked like weed from here. It's got some weed in it. That doesn't look like it. She's going to be spinning. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I got turned down for life insurance because I smoke weed. I didn't know that was a thing. Why are you telling me?

I was trying to be honest. Well, weed's healthy now. Glaucoma and arthritis. None of those. Yeah. Were you doing it during? You didn't roll up with a joint. Well, I'm not a weed guy. I need some life insurance. That'll stop him pretty quick. But I'm like... Just tapping heroin into your arm.

I'd eat it now. Well, I was just like, hey, I'll take an edible every now and then go to bed. I don't even like weed. I'll eat it to go to bed. And they were like, ooh, I didn't know that. And then they marked some stuff off. So hang on a minute. So you now have no life insurance because of that? Yes, but I'm like, does Snoop Dogg not have life insurance or Willie Nelson? What are we doing here? Probably not. I guess not. I guess they're rich enough, but...

I was shocked. I don't think Willie Nelson needs it. That guy's going to live forever. Yeah. But why did you say? I just said I took an edible a couple times to go to bed. I don't even do it that much anymore. And they're like, oh, really? I don't understand why that disqualifies. I didn't think it would. I was trying to be honest. Yeah. I don't even do it anymore. It was a phase.

And you can't bring them back. No, once you're done, you're done. It's like an elimination from the island. I'm out. Unless you come back and you go, listen, I was under some pretty heavy drugs. I was on acid that day, which I no longer take. And I lied. I don't take edibles. Is life insurance this because you're married now? Is that why you're getting that? Yeah, and you get a little tax, something or other. So I was like, all right, I'll try to beat this. It's like they were doing the life insurance thing in the movie where you kill a spouse.

Oh, it's always that. You always get the deal, and you're just like, it was up to $800,000. And he dropped dead. Yeah. That's like the fucking life insurance thing. That's true. And they always say the number every time. Like, oh, yeah, they were going great. Then they got married. And then she found out she could get $38,000. That was double indemnity if you fall off a train.

You get like an extra... They double it, so it would have to be like an extra whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because if it was like a peculiar death, it would have a clause in it, so it would be an even more amount of money. Right. We have to do it in the UK. If you buy a house, you have to have kind of life insurance. Why is that? I don't know. I guess so that they can retrieve it if something goes bad. So you can... You're...

can then pay the mortgage, I guess. I love the idea of Epstein like, I'm trying to buy this island. And then having to fill out the forms. Thank you. That island is for sale. That was clearly the worst bit of his life. Admin. I hate admin. He's paying for life insurance. How could it get any worse than this? Imagine that, a documentary that just focuses on all the shit bits. Egg-shaped penis, too. That's the rumor. Is that right? Egg-shaped. Yeah.

Epstein. Yeah. Weird egg. Look it up. They might have a photo. You know what's weird is Jelaine's vagina was shaped like a beater. So kind of perfect for each other.

We're having to look for... Buzzer beater. We're looking for egg... I'm okay. Thank you, though. Yeah, you're not a Diet Coke guy. No, we got Russell 19 Diet Cokes. Egg... You're a Diet Coke guy. You drink coffee and Diet Coke? I'm not. That's a weird combo. Yeah, it's silly, isn't it? It's just I'm really struggling with... To be honest, it's the first time I've ever spoke about my caffeine needs whilst also looking at egg-shaped penises. This doesn't help us. It's just a bunch of eggs in the shape of a dick.

Yeah. I mean, that one on the right, do we have to blur that or can we show it? I don't know. That's more of a... That looks like an air that's been ripped off in a traffic accident. Doesn't it? You know what I mean? That's a high impact. It looks like a penis on one of those science experiment things. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Egg shake. That's kind of fun. Apparently Harvey had a wacky dick too. Yeah, I heard that. It was all got like, didn't have holes in or something like that. Holes? Yeah. That's what I heard. One hole. No, no, no. It had like many holes. Oh, many holes. So he had to hold it like a recorder. Like apparently like, yeah, yeah. When he pissed. But again, as soon as you hear it. You repeat twinkle, twinkle little star. Which is it. But as soon as you hear it, my friend Sam told me that rumor and I can't shake it. But yeah, I like caffeine.

Look at that. There's a pattern here with the weird dicks, and even Hitler had one ball. And a micro penis. And a micro. So male genitalia will dictate your whole personality. So from the TV naked attraction, you could surmise whether or not people are insane. Have you seen that show? I haven't seen it, no. Apparently, it's just come over here, and basically, it's where British people get... It's on HBO, which really shows that HBO is struggling. Yeah.

This is a network that made The Wire. And now you've imported a show where English people are naked. Basically, a screen goes up and then you see their junk or their vagina. And the lady or the man just goes over and sort of looks at them and judges them. Whoa. It's like Blind Date, but backwards. Completely. And then one person gets voted off. And then eventually they see the person whole. And then they go on a date fully clothed.

Whoa. And that's now. What is the purpose of this? We're starting. Entertain the value. No, but I mean, like, what is their version of like, what's their pitch? I guess their pitch is probably some horseshit about, you know, everyone tells a lie, but the skin does not. Right. You know, something like that. And it's like, you know, this is the truth. But you basically just have weird English people kind of glaring at nuts. Yeah. And the kind of host is going, do you like a full bush? Yeah.

Or do you like it trimmed back, Darren? You know, and he's like, I don't mind really in between. You know what I mean? Yeah. Apparently it's kind of... We've had this show for like a decade, but it's just come over to America. I can't wait. And I read a story that you were kind of understandably horrified. Yeah. That this is what we've been doing for 10 years. But... Man. I was watching this Roman Empire docudrama on Netflix. Yeah.

It's pretty cool. It's pretty fun, but it's also hilarious that every actor is gorgeous. The women that Caligula is fucking, you're like, all right, they have giant fake tits and a shaved vagina, which I'm like, I don't think they were waxing in ancient Rome. The tramp stamp is unbelievable. They had a bush in the 80s. I don't think they were fucking...

you know, clean in ancient Rome, but it's pretty fun. I mean, it's like Caesar, Caligula, etc. Well, you can't go wrong because it's like Game of Thrones. It's action, it's tits, and it's drama, and yeah, and history, and dragons. So you put enough of everything in there and somebody will watch. Dragons have really stood the test of time, haven't they? Yes! They've kind of always been around. Things have come and gone, but the dragon has remained pretty... That's true. ...pretty strong, and it's always fascinated me as to why, but it's kind of...

It's like some countries have a dragon on their flag. Yes, yes. The Welsh, it's a dragon. Really? Yeah, man. It's a big red dragon. China does the dragon parade thing every year. Yeah, people love dragons and dragon queens. But yeah, a lot of dragons. Dragon roll. Yes, Komodo. Dragon queen sounds like something a very right-wing person would do at school. Right, right.

Yeah, everybody loves a dragon. What the hell is that? That's a Komodo dragon. Oh, well, don't pull that up because we won't talk. We'll just be enjoying it. See, this is the... It's like the porn star of the animal kingdom. I mean, that's... Deep throat. Yeah.

And so you mentioned, by the way, you mentioned you came in, you go, is that Dog Day Afternoon? It's just a sweaty picture of Pacino. Are you a film guy? Yeah. So funny enough, my friend Joe Maggio, he did the sound on the TV show that I did in America. He said the other day that Dog Day Afternoon is the best film ever made.

I would say it's in my top ten. My top five. For me, I mean, personally, it's New York. It's got the thrills of a heist, like a bank robbery movie, but then it's got drama. It's funny. It's got the trans thing, but they handle it in such a progressive way. I think it's one of the best movies ever made for me. I saw it for the first time two days ago. It's incredible.

It's incredible. And it's so tense. Yes. And the fact that they're sweating. There's more sweat as it goes on. Yeah. John Cazale is in four movies and they were all five and they're all nominated for Best Picture. We got The Conversation, Godfather 1 and 2, The Deer Hunter, and Dog Day. So you're in five movies and you're dating Meryl Streep. You can't be on a hotter streak. Yes. Yeah. If you die in love with Meryl Streep in a relationship, you won.

Wow. She often said that. Yeah, that was her thing. Yeah. You die tonight, you've won. Yeah, on his deathbed. Congratulations. You really crushed it, buddy. Yeah, just as he's choking out. You made it. I mean, say hi to God, and then you see God, and it's Meryl Streep. That movie is so good, man. And there's another one that Salacuse and I love. It's like part of that kind of...

of 70s flicks. The original Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3. Oh, yeah, that's a great film. That's another one, I think. You're a movie guy. What are your favorites? Oh, God, that's a tough question, isn't it? I think the film I've watched the most is probably The Royal Tenenbaums. Oh, that's a great movie. That's a great... I just think...

like because I've got two nephews at the minute and they look like they need a bit of royal like me and my brother often sort of say that two kids that need to go to a dog fight they just they just need a bit of rough and tumble right they kind of need I love that film great that was when Wes Anderson was really cooking because no offense but I Asteroid City it's like he's jerking off I thought that was oh yeah I didn't see that one it's a new one with Benedict Cumberbatch as well where someone needs to sort of just shake him a bit yes yes come on it looks beautiful you've got to

tell stories. Exactly. They always look beautiful but for me Rushmore is probably my favorite one. Rushmore's good but I love Royal Tenenbaums as well. Tenenbaums is good. Grand Budapest Hotel is great. That was incredible. That's a really funny film. But that's where he's I feel like he's starting to go too Wessie. But it's got it's got heart without being annoying. It's still good. That's a very hard line to walk.

There's some beautiful lines in it as well. Like the bit when they kind of stab each other and he goes, I suppose you'd call that a score draw. Like there's some really forgive me, zero, my dear, dear friend. There's some beautiful heartfelt moments. What makes it extra interesting is that Willem Dafoe in that film is a absolute dead ringer for my dad.

No way. Yeah. And he has a real menace in that film, and my dad's quite a peculiar bloke. So when he throws the cat out the window, that isn't inconceivable that that's something my dad could do. But I've seen my dad kill a rabbit with a spade. Oh, jeez. The rabbit had myxomatosis, but we didn't know that. Yeah.

There was no explanation. He just picked up the spade and went to it. Damn. Yeah. Does your dad also have a huge dong? Because Willem Dafoe, his dong is so big that they have to...

like CGI his package to look smaller or else it would be distracting. I don't think that happens. Isn't he a tiny guy? Wow, that doesn't stop. Is it proportional? No. Proportionally, it's huge, I mean. Yes. I think it's huge, huge. Interesting. Well, did you ever see him in that movie To Live and Die in L.A.? No. It's William Friedkin who did like Exorcist and French Connection. Oh, wow. It's a fun, it's an off-the-wall cop movie.

shoot-em-up William Peterson badass movie. There it is. Sorry. Is that him? You sure that's him? Yeah. How much work are you giving? That's Russell's dad. Yeah, it is. How much work are we giving to Matt Peters this week to blur? Jesus Christ. But that's pretty good for Limp. I mean, he's hanging. Yeah, that's good. So...

We've turned into the British show where they show the dicks. Yeah, that one checks out. It's like one of those classic cop movies where every cliche out of the gate where the guy is celebrating, having a beer. I got two days left on the job. And then, of course, immediately he goes undercover and gets fucking blown away. And you're like, of course, just fucking...

Enjoy retirement. Well, the cliches are good when they're the first one to do it. Totally. Like, people make fun of Seinfeld. What's the deal with? But he did that. He started that. So it's like, let him do it, and then we all made fun of it later. Yeah. You got to start somewhere. Absolutely. Yeah. He was...

I'm too old for this shit. He was 41 years old here. Yeah. Well, that was a different time. Yeah. Like Mrs. Robinson, I think is 39. 38. Hilarious. The whole movie is about her being an old bag. He's not right. Yeah. He's 30 years old. It was a different time. Well, in their defense, he's fresh out of college in that movie. So 22 to 38 is a big gap. I guess. But I lost my virginity to a 50-something.

Oh, dude, we're whacking off the fucking 65-year-olds on Pornhub. Yeah. Hang on a minute. Whoa. I mean, J-Lo's 50. He wants to hear more about this. Yeah, but you're 38, so that's fine. Yeah. But unless you lost your virginity last year, this is a peculiar story. Well, I did this show in England where they... Yeah, okay. No, I was 16. Wow. I think it was a hooker, but she didn't charge me.

Okay. Going on the house. And she was how old? 56? Mid-50s, I'll say. I didn't get the idea. Do hookers do, like, pro bono? Pro boner. Yeah. Apparently. So he really needs this. Let me give it to him on the house. I think she had a thing for teens. Right. That's not good. Well, I'm a survivor. I'm a victim. But I'm okay. You're a survivor. You and Holocaust victims. Yeah.

Where did you meet her? On Bourbon Street in the French Quarter in New Orleans. Yeah. And what were you chatting about? I'm just curious how you go from age 16, I've got an image of you riding your bike. Do you know what I mean? You've just come from Little League. I was a paper boy. And there's this old gilf who's just crawling. She was pretty cute. Stop! Would you stop? And you just slam on the brakes? No, I was on Bourbon Street and it was Y2K.

you know, was in the air and it was New Year's Eve Eve. So there was a buzz. She was scared. She had a pacemaker. Yes. She thought she was going to die. Exactly. She collapsed. She hit her life alert. Mark showed up and he saved her. It was beautiful. She looked a bit like Meryl Streep. Yes. You won, dude. She said, I fall. And I said, I can get it up. So, uh, I was, she was on a balcony flashing everyone as a hooker does. Uh,

And you were like, this is my dream. I was a virgin 16-year-old pre-internet porn, by the way. So you saw a tit and you set up shop. Oh, I used to jerk off to Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. There you go. That's how fucking bleak shit was before internet porn. You're like, can I get a still from I Know What You Did last summer? Oh, I did this. I would print that shit out. Use all the ink on some old lady. Oh, all the ink. Yeah.

One in the ink doing this thing. All right. Russell already regrets coming here. I just got a lovely image of you fucking a printer. One in the ink. He's just so desperate. Yeah, so she was on a balcony flashing, and I was just staring, pre-internet porn, pre-cell phone. And she said she noticed me, and she said, you want to come up?

And I said, of course. And then I couldn't get in. The hotel wouldn't let me in. That was like your version of Carson inviting you over to the couch. Yeah. Yeah. And they were the same age. And yeah. And you did a tight five. Yeah. I wish. Yeah. No bad closer. And.

I didn't get my money back. Yeah. That was exactly where I was going. And Ed McMahon was there. But the weird part was... I have no idea what that means, but that's clearly done very well. Oh, he was the sidekick. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so the weird part was she walks me to her hotel room, room 239 at the Ramada Hotel. I still remember. And the door swings open, and there's an old guy with a white beard and a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson hat staring at the door like...

I don't know, just in case someone broke in, he was going to be ready. And you're like, that's what Santa does for the rest of the year. He left his mall gig. He was like, this will be the best. I went down her chimney. But either way, he goes, it was me and two buddies. And he goes...

Which one is it? And she points to me. And he took my two friends on the balcony. And I was like, oh, we're going to get killed. We're dying. This is a whole thing. And then I banged her. Yeah. And they went on the balcony and drank. And that was that. Fuck me. And he just hung out outside? Hung out outside and got drunk with these two other 16-year-old idiots. Wow. That's an incredible... So I was 15. Yeah.

And it was underneath a bridge. Whoa! An army camp for kids that they thought weren't going to do well in their exams.

And we kind of went there for a week. What? And there were sort of boys and girls. And this girl took a shining to me. And she sort of said, oh, do you want to come under the bridge? So we did. It was like I had no idea what I was doing. I sort of just grabbed the boob. That was it. Sure. And then went like that. Right. And then we started having sex. It was awful. And halfway through it, she looked at me and went.

And... That scared me and I'm not hard. Can you imagine that? So it's the first and only time I've ever been inside somebody whilst that person is giggling. And... Oh my God. It was scary and pleasant all at the same time. Yeah, yeah. But...

And that was it. And then I finished, rolled over to an ant's nest, was kind of bit to fuck, went back to my friends and was like, I just lost my virginity. Did you finish? Yeah. It was incredible. Were you wearing a condom? I was. But what was exciting about it was just that sense of going, all I was thinking was like, this is done. It's finished. Because I was the last out of my friends.

Wow. Yeah, right. So it was just that thing of like, I've just got to get this monkey off my back. Yeah. Wow. But you've trumped my story, which is normally mine is normally the grisliest story. Well, I had red bumps, but yours were at least ant bites. Yeah. Mine were. I was 17 and my brother just walked in.

Wait a minute. He just walked in. He was a guy? Yeah, he walked in. He fucked me, and I was no longer a virgin. He was just like, get it over with. I was with a girl, and he came in drunk to fuck with me, and I was like, no, no, no. And he was like, oh. But I walked in on him fucking once, so we were even. All right. Same girl? Same girl. Okay. Was it just a girl you were dating kind of thing? No, it was just like we were friends, and it just, you know. But.

It's just going to happen. Yeah, but before that, you do your weird, like, you know, you have your hookups, but sex for some reason took me a little longer. Sure. I had to do the other stuff, but sex was... 15 is very young. That's young. But playing football in the UK, that's very late. Do you know what I mean? Because you sort of, you know, for whatever reason, you just have like... My friend Steven lost it when he was like 13.

It's just insane. I had a friend like that. But he was the winner. How is he doing now, though? Is he good? Yeah, he's not great. Sometimes the kid that fucks at 13, though, peaks. Of course. Because where do you go from there? Yeah, exactly. Well, I'll tell you where you go. So one of my mates, Scott, that I used to play up front with at school, he lost his virginity when he was 13. And now he's found God.

Oh. So he's gone the whole way. And he was the kid at school. Whenever there was a fight, the fight had to end quickly because Scott would turn up and start fighting both people. Oh, I know the type. Yeah, he was top show. I remember once we were at this beer festival.

But it was also like a jazz festival in some bit of England, a place called Hampshire, right? And Scott turned to me and said, we should throw shit at their tents. And he was so hard and so scary that you're like, yeah. And he went, no, seriously. And he put his hand in his pocket and he had a turd. I'm worried to get this. Exactly. So he shat in his pocket and he threw this turd at these tents and

And I was so frightened of him. I was like, oh, good one, man. Yeah. And then he kept coming up to me for the rest of the night at this sort of festival going, do you need to go yet? Oh, my God. And I was like, in a minute, probably later. So I had to kind of hide from him all night. Yeah. Because he desperately wanted me to shit into my hand and throw it at a tent. What a psycho. This is the kid that had sex first. And now he's found God. Finally. So it's kind of...

He's been on a wild journey. Which God? Yeah. You know? No one else. That's a really good point. Nobody turned around. Yeah. As soon as I found God, everyone still backed away from him. Right, right. Because he's fucking terrifying. It could be an ISIS. We don't know. Well, you think these people that find God, they're either, like, really chill or they're the most unbearable. Like, what did you do? Yeah.

In your past life that you had to do this. Yeah. But I always thought with Scott, it was a bit like God taking a footballer off before he gets a red card.

Do you know what I mean? It was like God's way of going, okay, come on. Exactly. Enough of this. You've thrown enough shit at tense. You need to go preach. Is he married? I wouldn't have thought so. Okay, okay. I mean, he was fucking crazy. The crazy of those guys, I grew up with guys like that. Not a shit in the pocket. That's a whole other level, but...

No glove or anything? He's just hurling it barehand? No, he just took it out of his pocket and threw it. And went, go on then. Now you go. And it was just the look in his eyes. He was so angry that I hadn't got a freshly prepared shit in my pocket. It was just...

So, you know, like crazy. It was terrifying. But me and him used to play up front playing football together. So we were kind of friends because we played in the same position. But he used to scare the hell out of the opposition. I'm scared of him. Well, you want that friend. But I didn't mean to interrupt you, Mark. Well, I'm just saying, what if you, because I would be so nervous that I might diarrhea and that doesn't grow well. Oh, shit. Sorry. I mean, wow. There you go. Yeah. We'll get a napkin for you. You're good. Oh, we got one.

But yeah, I grew up with the guys who just love to fight, love to break shit, love to terrorize. And now they're all married with kids. And I'm like, how does that work? Yeah. And what are their kids like? You know, terrifying. They're all on pills. Isn't it weird that you're the crazy one now? Yeah. The way you live. I mean, like the way we live now is like the fucking reckless shit. True. Drinking. On the road. So do you guys drink? I was so curious about this. Do you drink when you're on stage?

I'll have a drink. I drank on stage, but not before. Right. I like to bring one out to kind of just like have a sip. Yeah. But yeah, maybe sometimes I'll have like one before. But no, I try to earn it. Yeah. Yeah. Like when I did your pod, I feel bad. I want to apologize. You were ratted. I was wildly hungover. We had a good pod, but I was off a little. So I'm sorry. No, you were hilarious. You're sober, though. I'm not sober, but I don't drink like...

I've never done a gig drunk. I've never got to that. Like, I'll drink if I'm kind of with my mates, but I wouldn't drink at home. I just don't feel... I'm sort of super lucky. I've got quite a few pals who've had sort of trouble with booze. I'm so sort of envious. Like, not, you know, the very fact that I can just go, I'll have a glass of wine. My friend John is just like...

Like, how can you just have one? Do you know what I mean? It's sort of, I just don't have that kind of urge. That's a good, it's kind of like not being attracted to kids. We're so lucky that we're not attracted because they didn't choose that, you know? I'd rather have four glasses of wine than fuck a kid. Obviously, but after four, you never know. But imagine the look of

And like that, we've been demonetized again. Yeah, yeah. But the look of bafflement from the bartender, if you just had one glass of red wine and go, I don't need another one and I don't need to fuck kids. Good night, sir. There's a tip. It's called willpower. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Read about it. Right. But yeah, just saying.

You're lucky because we had one or two earlier with our first guest, and I wouldn't mind sliding right back into that pool. That's why I'm drinking coffee. I need that energy because I'm doing shows later. If I drink during the day, I do need a few coffees to get back my energy. Definitely.

Although, I tell you what's really exciting. If you have an all-day session and you manage to get drunk twice, that's really good fun. You know when you start off and you get a bit pissed and then you have a few coffees and then you power up again later? That's impressive. That's why the Mad Men stuff, you're like...

No one of these guys died at 58. They all got heart attacks and, you know, all this shit because they were just drinking at noon. Like, oh, I got a toothache. Let me drink. Oh, I have a headache. Let me drink. Oh, my wife sucks. Let me drink. That was the cure-all. But it looked fun. Oh, it looked great. The director for my TV show is, I think, like the last kind of...

to old showbiz because he drinks. Yeah. Like he'll have like wine at lunch and then wine with the main show. And it's just like, he's the only person in TV that I know and he's the director, but that's just what he does. And it's just kind of thing, you know, it's the old line. We always say to enjoy your, your lunch, Pete, you're fucking drunk it quick enough, but he's that guy. Liquid lunch, but like, you know, and you'll hear the bins being empty and you're like, Pete's here, but he's the only guy I know that's like, he's really good.

Yeah. But fully functioning. Some people can do it. Some people can function like that. And it's a dying art. I feel like there's less and less. You know, people are getting more sober now, I think, than ever. But you two both got incredibly sort of consistent and prolific work.

With booze. Trying. There's a lot of shame spiraling. I've got to write more. You fucking drunk. Get it together. Yeah, I remember reading about this athlete who used to play for the Giants, Jeremy Shockey. Remember that tight end? He would get shit-faced and then apparently just go back to his hotel room and do like a thousand push-ups at a guild. I feel like Mark and I are like that, but with jokes. Right. Yeah. I'm just like, I fucking hate myself. I've got to write a joke. Do you ever see the Maradona documentary?

I haven't, but it's amazing. Argentinian footballer. If not the greatest of all time. Is he the greatest here? Yeah, because he was...

as good as Messi, but he was on Coke. What? Like he was, this whole documentary, like in 1986, he scored some of the greatest goals you've ever seen. And he was playing for Napoli, which was a club that was then run by the Mafia. And in this, basically they played on the Sunday, they would win, they would take him out, the Mafia would take him out, drinking, doing Coke. By Wednesday, all the other players have been training since Monday. They get him out,

on a treadmill and he just runs it off and then plays again the following Sunday. Yeah, incredible. So if he were...

sort of a dedicated athlete like now, he would be better than Messi. Wow. But he was doing all that off his box. Damn. It's a really amazing... It's by the guy that did Senna. Yes. Is this on HBO, this one? Might be. I think I saw it somewhere. I've heard there's a good guy. He's the guy that did Senna and the Amy Winehouse documentary. Oh, great. Yeah, real pedigree. When did Maradona pass away? I feel like...

2018? Let's check that. No offense to him, but I do kind of respect the guys who can do all the blow and the drugs and still...

Well, he did. Yeah, yeah. But what happened? Oh, no, he died years later. No, he played years. Oh, so he still pulled it off. He won the World Cup. Oh, okay. No, he lost in life, not in soccer. Oh, great. That I'm fine with. But the year he won the World Cup, he spent the entire year doing coke. Wow. It was like the 86 Mets. They were all on coke. They were all doing drugs. Yeah. I mean, it was like Daryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden. They're all coked out of their fucking mind. Yeah, same. And they won the World Series. Yes.

I mean, there is something cool. I mean, I know we shouldn't be endorsing it, but Mark has a great joke about how we celebrate, you know, it's the function alcoholic. Yes. About how people are like, oh, well, fuck him. I slept here. That's his whole thing. I drank. I did everything he did. I woke up in the office. I should get more points. Yes. And it's a great observation about...

living that hard and still and still pulling it off still sticking the landing yeah like hemingway or or george carlin with the cocaine prior with the lighting himself on fire these are all people who died extremely young that's true well hemingway killed himself but yeah that's dying but they but they leave behind a real legacy it's kind of yeah great work it's like i often think about like richard prior you think imagine prior in the in the age of instagram oh my

We're getting some good stories. Could you imagine the live feeds? Like, wow. The wife hitting a loan. Just. Pryor just went on Instagram Live and I think he's on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's crazy. But he's shooting his car and he's saying there might be something in this. Ah.

That's why we should be so quick. Do you know what I mean? But it's just all these things. I'm in the woods. Yes. The twig. But like it would be so demystifying. Of course. If you saw Carlin or Pryor or Hicks or something like that every day and you're like, oh, okay, fine. So true. Yeah, the camera has fucked a lot. It's helped a lot of us with all the clips and the content and the exposure. But it would have like, I mean, the shit we get mad at people for now. Like Lizzo shamed an employee. You're like.

Pryor beat the shit out of his wife with a champagne bottle. You know, Carlin's doing blow off of my ass. We're all doing that. I mean, John Lennon hit his wife. Like, I wonder if it would have been, do you think the Lizzo thing would have been a story in like the eighties or you think it would have just come out in like a memoir or something? Yeah, no chance. By the way, I have to break in here. This is Maradona scoring a goal. His coach comes out with Coke on his wrist and gives it to him. Oh my God. That's a good assistant. Good coach. Take your medicine.

There you go. What?

That's incredible. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Not exactly a strategic mastermind. I mean, that is... There is some lax... Drop a play. There is some lax drug regulations there of like... Jesus Christ. You see guys now that are like drawing shit up on a notepad. This guy just walks out with a forearm. Lance Armstrong's like, what the fuck happened to me? Footballers now on the pitch do that so that nobody can hear or read their lips. This guy literally walks out and says...

Let me go against Lance Armstrong for a second, just for the sake of argument. He's taking performance enhancing drugs. These are drugs that do not enhance your performance. I'd say they enhance in the moment. In the moment, but your heart over fucking time? Over time, yeah. I don't think coke is... I mean, coke might... Oh, you're fine. I've never taken coke, but surely it can't enhance your... Tell it to Robin Williams. You ever seen that guy? Yeah. But I've never seen Robin Williams play up front for Argentina. Yeah.

Listen, I'd like to have seen that. I would love it. Also, if he did coke off his arms, I'd get lost in the hair. But yeah, no, all right, you got a point. I think there's a moment, maybe for like focus, it'll help you. But I think for cardio, it's got to fuck your heart up and your wind. There's no way, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I'm completely wrong on this. Well, that's why Carlin died at 71, you know? Yeah, but that's a decent age. That's decent for 71. The older you get, it doesn't feel decent. Yeah, but like- We could use another special out of Carlin. Yeah. Yeah, well.

But I'd say food is worse. The last one's good. It's bad for you is a good special. Yeah, it's... Oh, there we go. The one before it wasn't good. We talk about it all the time, Norman. It's bad for you. It's great. There's a lot of great jokes in that one. There's some great bits in that one. He's still with it. But food is worse because like Ralphie May and Patrice O'Neill, they died way younger. Yeah. That's Robin Williams there. And it was a much more expensive coffin. Yeah. Yeah.

Robin Williams there, he looks like he's... Where is he there? He looks like he's down in Coke. He's being a Dallas Cowboy... Broncos cheerleader. I thought that was Leah Thomas. All right, I'm all thrown off. Sorry. But yeah, wow, that is crazy. He was... That guy was all over the place. I guarantee he was coked up for that moment. Robin Williams. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. You're right, though, with him doing Coke, it would be like...

all the hair it's a wolf in a snow globe moment isn't it do you know what i mean there's a lot going on there i met him once at the cellar robin williams he was the nicest dude yeah yeah he's got such a soft talking voice yeah do you know those those crazy moments when you look back but so i'm english so i don't know i wasn't aware obviously i now know but it turns out i met gary shandling jfl and he came up to me after a set and was being really kind and

I thought he was hitting on me. And I just thought, oh, thanks, man. Cool, cool. But it was just, it was a bit like, he was quite intense. Sure. Oh, thanks, buddy. Cheers. I didn't realize I had this fucking genius. Genius. I mean, he is. But that documentary, The Gary Shandian Diaries, is unbelievable. I loved it. And that bit of advice, that be more Gary, is such a great bit of creative advice. Yes. Particularly for stand-ups. It's whatever you are.

Totally. You have to dig into it. I completely agree. Rather than kind of go, what seems to be working at the minute? It's like, be more Gary. You've got to embrace your thing. Even though your thing is maybe what you hate the most about you. Yeah. I think with stand-up, the more you can be, the thing people hate about you in regular life, if you can accentuate that in your stand-up, you'll be successful. Except for when you go home.

That's true. That's true. You figured out how to heighten the thing that frustrates. But you're right, though. It's sort of, I don't know, that's what you get from that doc. It's that sort of authenticity. And he's just a trier and just a grafter. Totally. But all the greats are grafters. They just make it look effortless. How long after did you realize it was Gary Shandling or realize what that meant? It was years later. I remember seeing Seinfeld interview him.

And I was like... On Comedians in Cars? Yeah. So you never saw Larry Sanders or stand-up? Oh, I'm re-watching it currently. It's so good. But this is what I mean. So then I... Like...

It's so frustrating that you... I don't know. Even Seinfeld, the sitcom, didn't really break in the UK. Wow. Yeah, it's just not really a thing. Yeah. So there's certain... Who are guys for you that were like, these are our guys, like you're equivalent to Jerry, like to you? Oh, as a stand-up, probably there's a guy called Frank Skinner or Billy Connolly is probably our big Scottish guy. But he was... I would say he's...

Connolly is the sort of Carlin figure. He's like the nation's brother, then uncle, then granddad. Do you know what I mean? That he's the one that everybody loved. And still, like, I got to interview him on my show and it was so thrilling to kind of make this guy laugh. Frank Skinner's a really great English comic. He has a sort of chat show. But it's that similar thing where there's just certain people that just don't,

Like, obviously, Seinfeld's huge, but I'd be very interested when he gigs in the UK. I bet you they're mostly Americans. Yeah, I'd say so. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of that thing of, like...

His humor just wouldn't have traveled. We just don't have that culture as much. But yet Friends was massive. It's kind of bizarre. Oh, interesting. It's amazing. Seinfeld's... It's great. 20 times the show that Friends is. Of course it is. But do you know what I mean? It's very New York. It's very Jewish. I think it is definitely a little more niche. Friends is so much bigger. Maybe it's much more vanilla. It is. And it's like McDonald's. That's going to sell more, I think. And it's just so kind of...

There's no earthiness. There's no kind of... You can feel the creativity through committee. Whereas Seinfeld, you feel... Larry David. Yeah, but you just feel those two just kicking it back. It's much Jewier humor as well. And there's just less Jews. I think that type of humor in America is very broad.

But we loved it. We loved it. We loved it as a whole. That's my point, is that I think that's very... Jewish humor in America is... Right. Like, look back at... Mel Brooks. Yeah, Woody Allen. Totally. It's very... That's very broad in America. Yeah, well, it's even like the... You know, just to come on stage and go, I shot a moose. You know, that feels like... It's such a, like...

It's such a wildly surreal premise, and yet in America it's like, there we go. Do you know what I mean? It's very interesting. I love the Woody Allen. This is such a perfect joke to me. Do you ever see Play It Again, Sam? No. There's a great scene where he goes up to a woman in the museum. You know what I'm talking about. It's a nice scene.

Amazing. He goes up to hit on a woman and he goes, you know, what do you think? You could play it too. I'm not going to do it justice. It might be funnier. But yeah, museum scene. His jokes still hold up. Like people go, comedy really ages. Woody Allen jokes still hit. They're still great. Here it is. Same as those Shandling gags, man. Here it is. Yeah, go back a minute. The Gary Shandling gags. Oh, yeah. Still work. Here it is. No, a little further back.

A little further back. Okay. What does it say to you?

It restates the negativeness of the universe, the hideous, lonely emptiness of existence, nothingness, the predicament of man, man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.

What are you doing Saturday night? I'm doing suicide. What about Friday night? That's great. That's just a great joke. That's a great joke. She killed it too, by the way. She fucking nailed that monologue. But yeah, what about Monty Python? Was that... Again, not really a thing. It wasn't... What? So the films, Life of Brian, Holy Grail, Meaning of Life, they were played and you had a video and you saw those, but the series was never on TV. What?

Like, we only had four channels when I was growing up. So they just didn't... 40 Towers, never shown. How about The Office? The Office, yeah. So The Office was... So what's that? That's 98. So that would have been... I just started doing stand-up. And it was... Yeah, that was, like, seminal. But that was so great. It just felt so... Original. And it feels so English. I know, obviously, the American Office has done it so well. But, like, that first one is so, like...

even the way Gervais looks then like do you know what I mean he just doesn't he doesn't look like somebody like that guy isn't getting in friends

Yes, yes. And he just... All of them, the voice perfectly matches the body. Yes. You know, it's so well cast. It's so funny. Can I say this about... It had that cringe factor, which the American one has, but this one had it on steroids. Oh, my God, this guy, too, is so great. The cool boss. He's incredible. Right. But what's amazing is that basically...

Like, Gervais affected comedic acting, I would say, in the world, but definitely in the UK. But that kind of stilted, so, well, you know. Oh, yeah. You see that all the time, where people, instead of doing sort of punchlines, it's just that, well, you know, nah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That kind of drifty shit. Totally, totally. Where did he come from? Weirdly, he used to manage bands. What? Yeah, my tour manager, Kumar, knows him because he used to manage...

bands at UCL which is a college can you imagine having a manager that funny yeah man right just that I mean he just I mean Jesus even his face like the face the movements the way he bites his lip it's all great and you gotta hand it to Michael Scott or not to Michael Scott Steve Carell because he he made it his own somehow oh yeah this is so iconic

It's rare to see it remade and still be funny in a new way. Totally. But it must have been so hard filming that. Can you imagine that? Like, there's a reason those cutaways are done in singles. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because... I mean, this is just...

This sad rivalry he has with the better looking boss. I always think of the scene where the boss is always wearing like cool designer stuff. Yeah. And Ricky Gervais walks in and he's like, this jacket, Sergio Giorgini. Yeah, yeah. Like what? Who is that? It's so funny, but it taps into the ego and it's how insecure people are and how we just want to be loved. There's so much more to The Office than funny. My brother couldn't be more...

David Brent, if you tried. Oh, really? Yeah, he's so funny. He told a story the other day to my friend Steve that used to write on my TV show. He was kind of going, yeah, I was in the office the other day. And my brother talks as if he's a comic. He could be a comic. He's funny enough. But he kind of, yeah, I was in the office the other day doing a bit of gear. And, you know, they didn't laugh. And I kind of went up to them and I was like, why aren't you laughing? And they said, oh, it was just too funny. So we're going to laugh later.

But that could be a scene from the office. Yeah, yeah, totally. So the way my brother now retells stories, he'll say what he said and then I said this and everyone's like, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, applause. Shut up. So he kind of self-congratulates himself. It's really fascinating. But that's what I mean. It's...

There's a lot of guys that kind of learnt how to ape Gervais. Do you know what I mean? And it's kind of like in sort of, certainly in sort of sitcoms in the UK, it really affected them. It hasn't been many, much great stuff since. But like, you know what I mean? Who else were your guys as a stand-up? As a stand-up? So it started off, it was Connolly, I'd say Frank Skinner. And then kind of once I got into stand-up when I was about sort of

I kind of got into like Hicks and kind of Richard Pryor and then belatedly Carlin I got into and then Izzard, I guess. Oh, Izzard's great. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And then those were really...

Then once I kind of started doing the circuit, it was Ross Noble and Daniel Kitson were the two. Kitson? You've never seen Kitson? I've never seen him, but I've heard he's excellent. It's incredible. So basically, I was so lucky. So there used to be a thing called the Comedy Network, which is where you'd sort of tour universities in the UK. And I supported Daniel on...

two tours it was incredible so he you know the best comic in the uk and i was 22 and i got to go on do 20 minutes and then he would go on and do an hour and it would change every night and wow it's just you know that thing when you're sort of particularly when you're starting stand up and you're figuring it out yeah and you get to do a set and it goes well and then you get to sit down and watch a genius yes kind of study them he people talk about him like braveheart he was seven foot tall

He's really great. But he won't do TV, right? He's got all these weird... Why is that? I don't know, really. It's sort of like he's a bit of a Salinger figure, I think. And he's so...

He turns it over so much. So he was at the Edinburgh Festival this year with a completely new show. I mean, honestly, I'm not kidding. I think he's probably written... Well, Salinger released books, though. One book. Only, you know... Franny and Zoe. Franny and Zoe, and then once he had Catcher in the Rye. But that was it. That was my point. And then there was one... But he's probably written 35 hours. 35 hours! Genuinely. And some of them are on Bandcamp. But he just does them live. Wow. And if you're kind of in the gang...

And you've seen him, you kind of know. But I mean, look at him. He's funny looking. Right. He's clever. And he's a good guy as well. He's a great guy. Yeah, he's just one of the... Yeah, explain the stutter. So is that distracting on stage at all? He doesn't stutter on stage. He only stutters off stage. That's amazing. So yeah, he used to have loads of...

stuff on it and then by the time he was like 25 he'd walk on stage hello my name's Daniel I've got a stutter take it on trust I've got hours of funny stuff on it let's move on but you know he just had this kind of just utter confidence he's he's he's

the word genius is slung around a lot, but when you see him in full flow, he is really something else. So I got to support him. And then the other guy I was supporting was John Oliver. So pretty lucky really, just in terms of, and then, you know, those, they were my kind of,

beakers. Do you know what I mean? That's who I was aiming for. It was great. It was so cool. I only learned a lot from Cosby's later work. Yeah, it was terrific. But wow, that's incredible. What a learning experience. Yeah, it was amazing, man. And Ross Noble, he was a brilliant sort of improvising comic. Great, great sort of surreal comic. He was huge in the noughties. Still going now. He's great, but was like

you know, just would improvise the whole thing. Yeah. And just a brilliant brain. I feel bad because I went to England recently and I would bring up, I'd be hanging out with local comics and I'd bring up a guy I'd heard of and they all went, oh. It's time to get a fresh face for fall. The Handyman Manscaped Electric Face Shaver lets you get a brand new start. It tackles up to three days of growth without the need for a wet shave. Their skin safe technology even helps reduce nicks and cuts so you'll feel confident going in for that close shave.

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I was a door guy at Broadway and I remember hearing Mike DiStefano, who since passed, was a very funny guy. He made a comment about being a dirty comic, but he was like, you know, but then he was talking about, he's like, fuck Bill Cosby. You know, he's a piece of shit. Right. And Mike DiStefano was like rough around the edges, but you could tell he was like a decent guy. Yeah. What is this whole thing with like being a doorman? Like...

It's a way in. You just work the door. Yeah, but that's so strange. What do you guys do in the UK? You do an open spot. Well, you get to do spots if you do the door. Sure, but you didn't have to do that. You could just have a job. It's American labor. Yes, but were you paid in spots or were you paid money as well? I was just spots there. Time. Yeah, but there's so many comedians that are like, why would I give you a spot? But you have to act as security. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't do a very good job. That's what I mean. I remember one time Jessica Kersey was on stage like, he's going to throw people out? That's what I mean. But it's just like... It doesn't really help you saying that. But imagine, at least you're tall. But I'm not a particularly tall guy. It's just the idea that you're like, fuck me, I've got like... Well, actually, one time I got spat on on stage there because I worked the door. You got spat on? And then I went on stage. It was just Rich Voss they were talking about.

He was just talking to me. Yeah. No, I got, I went on stage and this guy wouldn't stop heckling me. I was like, dude, come on. Like at a certain point, then I started trashing him and he just gets up and I'm like, oh fuck, what's going to happen here? And the waitstaff liked me because they knew me. So they kind of barricade the stage. He stops and I just hear, and I'm like, oh crap.

Terrible people at perfect aim. Hits me right here. And I was like, oh. That's the only time. And then I was like, well, I guess I got to throw him out now too. Oh, God. Jesus. Did you? No. He left. Wade was like, you got to go. That's the only time I've had a fight playing football when I was a kid. Someone spat in my face and I just properly.

just went for him and then could you can you fight no but he subsequently beat the shit out of me he was clearly baiting me but he just went like that and then the spit on is very tough because you gotta stand your ground it's not even i don't even think you think no it's the most it's the most visceral right okay we have to go now yeah yeah it's just the contempt of the where was the teammates on you

I was up front. So when you play up front, you're kind of on your own. It was just me and this defender. In sports, the fight's not supposed to actually happen. Teammates are supposed to... You're supposed to look tough and they jump in. And this thing is... Because it was just a football game at college. It's not like there was a crowd who could see it. They were just like... He like beat me up and then I just got up. Oh!

No yellow flag or anything, huh? No, exactly. And then I was like, what happened? He spat on me and I hit him and then he hit me a lot harder. Anyway, we just carried on playing. How great would that be if the goalie jumped in? Oh, yeah, man. It was just the worst. That's a goalie. So how often do you come to the US? So this is my third tour in...

I opened for him in 2009, 2010, something crazy. Exactly, yeah. Where did you open for him? I think it was at the Hammerstein Ballroom, whatever the one is on the west side. Yeah, we did that and we did like Gotham a couple of times. So maybe it's the fourth and then, not Gotham, Gramercy. Oh, yeah. That is a great room. Great room. That is a great room. And then we did the Town Hall last time, so...

Town Hall is classic. Yeah, it's amazing. It's kind of... So it's just... We're doing like an East Coast tour. We sort of zigzagged. We did like 35 shows in 33 days last year with a bus. And it's just... Do you like the tour bus? No, it was just too much because it just... It meant... It should mean something, particularly if you're from the UK. If you're doing a gig in Chicago...

and people have come to see you and I grew up in Bristol in the UK yeah or you wherever you are in America you're in Seattle you're in LA it's exciting but doing that many shows that quickly you just it's like where are we yeah and you suddenly realize this isn't the way to do it so what I'm trying to do now is just do like hopefully like a 15 date run and then go home and then later on in the year I'll do like the middle and then later on try and do the sort of west coast and

Just trying... It's not even to kind of like fucking break it or whatever. It's just...

It's like we were saying earlier. It's just to make you better as a comic. You've just got to put... I like putting my stuff through different cultures. Totally, totally. Do you know what I mean? And just sort of seeing where it kind of fits. And you kind of find that the basics work everywhere. Humans are just humans. You know, you make a fat joke and they're going to laugh because they know fat people. Oh, you look at like ancient Greek comedy from like 4000 BC. They're making like dick fart and burp jokes. And you're like, oh, this is...

This is the oldest comedy. Yeah, exactly. Well, it's like you say, that Roman documentary you're watching, all the graffiti is just cocks and... Yes! Do you know what I mean? Exactly. It's so kind of... Your wife's a whore. Yeah, but it's those kind of... Yeah. Kind of things. Yeah. You know, they've always been... So, I mean, that's what's so kind of maddening at the minute is this kind of...

this odd sort of attempt to kind of for want of another word clean up comedy it's like it's absurd because it's not gonna work you watch that documentary from world war ii there's a brilliant one by the guy that did billy elliott the film and there's footage of just these very english looking men kind of like bony faces wonky teeth and whatnot and they're just chatting about so the sergeant major right we're there all right we're about to go on a salute and he's he's falling over in a

bucket of shit and they're all like laughing because they're in war and their mates tripped in a bucket of shit yeah and it just shows you the kind of importance of that just the release valve

Totally. We now live in an era where there's different types of thing. That's what's so frustrating, that somehow comedy has to be for the mainstream. No. It has to be one thing. Well, that's the problem. It can't be allowed. We can't have like death metal. Right, exactly. The genres. Yeah, but we know the genre, and yet somehow it's like, you know. It's literally like if it was like, dude, you can only have Marvel movies.

yeah exactly man or it's like but like look at music you've got like guys singing about the devil and harry star singing about watermelon that doesn't but yeah but music isn't just music yeah you know what i mean it's it's allowed a sort of a variation of scales that for some reason it all comes down to well it was comedy and i was supposed to laugh and you're like well yeah other people did it's like

And we try to do it a little like people go, it's urban night. You're like, yeah, but Hannibal sounds a lot different than Bruce Bruce or Earthquake. But also that's what's frustrating about that is whenever you try and bunch it, that also doesn't work where you're like, it's the dark comedy night. And then you're like, okay, it's going to be jokes about disabled people and it's going to be dwarf jokes and Hitler and pedophiles. And there's different types of dark comedy. Sure. But my point being, if you see that over and over and over and over, it's going to be a bit

boring the great thing about stand-up audiences live are intelligent enough to go hey that was fucking hilarious actually that mainstream guy was really funny hey that girl was really cool they don't give a shit but for some reason it's whenever it's kind of repackaged and sort of put through this it's always by people that don't get what we do and there's always what's frustrating the only time that comics seem to make the news is when it's a joke that gets in trouble is

And you never have the article. Audience go to watch stand-up. Really enjoyed it. Can't remember half of it. It was fun. Of course. Right in my night, my mom was sick and now I feel better. Yeah. You know, they never say that article. But the same thing goes with diversity. We've got to have diversity. But it's like if eight guys sound like John Mulaney who are different races, it's not diverse. It's the same shit. Yeah.

I watched Mulaney's. There's some beautiful noises coming from that dog. I know, right? I'm actually a huge fan of Black Mulaney. That guy's awesome. Terrific. Oh, Johnny Mac? He's good. I saw his live show, and there's a bit in it where he's on about his dad losing his job. Have you seen that? And he wants to get loads of photos of them together as a family.

This is the latest one. Yeah. When your dad starts breaking down and goes, we need family photos. Yes, yes. And he just kind of goes, just fucking face the camera and smile. And he just looks to his brother and goes, this guy's not doing too well. And it's just this beautiful bit. Yeah. I really enjoyed that show. I thought it was great. It was sort of...

It's weirdly, it's a real romp through being a drug addict. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of really funny, but it's not... And then inevitably all the reviews are like, why didn't he go deep enough? And you're like, because people don't want that, man. No. You know what I mean? Why don't these reviewers tell a guy who's mastered this shit what he did wrong? We need more of that. No, I mean, John Mulaney is... Every comic loves Mulaney. That's why it was so interesting to me when people...

no matter who you are, no matter what you do, there will be a mob after you at some point. And it's interesting. It's like this guy played it pretty clean. He had a divorce. People had this opinion on him. And it was kind of like... That's human nature, though. People enjoy it. They want to prop you up and take you down. They do. And then they prop you up again.

They do, but it was an interesting one to me where I was like, people get divorced. This is not, you know, this is life. Let a man make a mistake. People can make mistakes and not be horrible people. You can't judge a whole person's character on one snafu.

Yeah. I mean, I just think it's interesting. I mean, he's got interesting material out of it, too, out of the drugs and everything. That's what comedy's supposed to do. Like, I saw videos of the Ukraine war on TikTok, and these soldiers are, like, fucking with each other. And you're like, yeah, this guy might say retard or something, but they need this. They're

at war someone on twitter we gotta cancel this dude yeah this guy that's what i mean you gotta get rid of these dudes mate well i've got funny if i've got a bit in my show exactly about that about seeing little old ladies making missiles and giggling right and you kind of go of course they're giggling like if you're in a war making missiles trying to destroy putin you you need a laugh can i have a release yeah come on but yeah let me let me say well two things i noticed about england

that are different than here. Okay. One, you're less ageist. Right. I went to a pub just about every night I went to a pub and there'd be like a 22-year-old guy hanging out with like a 61-year-old guy and it was completely normal. Right. It wasn't like... Just father and son. Yeah.

don't know i mean they look different they they were pallet up and then you see like an older woman with a younger guy or whatever and it was or a group of people and they're all different ages yeah we don't have that here really that's interesting yeah i was gonna say new york feels like a very young city it just feels like you get to a certain age and someone knocks on the door and you're like you gotta get out now yeah that's it you're done you're too that's very interesting that we kind of

They go to Florida. What's the other thing? The other thing was you allow ugly people on TV way more than us. Sure, sure. You got some newscasters. I was like, whoa, Jesus, what is this, a horror movie? Oh, it's the 6 o'clock news. Yeah, we think it softens the blow here for a woman with a lot of makeup to look like that. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny, man. The thing that gets me with your news, it always makes me laugh that there are adverts everywhere.

in between the news. It's just such a funny way of telling people. It's the only way to stay on. There's been a hurricane and many people are dead. Do you want to buy a car? You never talk like that. It's such a strange way of relaying really important stuff. So true. Big Pharma pays for 75% of news. Is that right? Hence all the adverts for medicine. Exactly. That's why it is that. And it's not going to change because they're like, we need this. Otherwise we'd go off the air.

TV's dying. I mean, sports, when sports goes away from TV, that could really be trouble. Well, sports are already on Amazon now. You can already, you know, Amazon's already got Thursday Night Football, and you kind of wonder. Oh, do they? Yeah, so you wonder when that's going to make the full transition because. Yeah. I wonder, do people, have you ever scrolled through live content?

It's wild. It's primitive. You go past Bravo, some fucking dipshits on a yacht. This is a show? Below Deck or whatever? Below Deck, that's a huge show. Oh my God, it's awful. But you see the shit that you're scrolling past, you're like, how the fuck is this? Scroll past TLC and you're like, I don't want to watch a 600-pound person just be sad. Yeah. This is your show? It's huge. But it is, and presumably with the writer's strike, there's going to be six months of that. Well, I think they're winning.

I think they won. They won. WGA won. Oh, okay. Sure, but the point I'm making, so there's been six months where they've been doing nothing. Sure. So there's going to be a whole lot of reality. There's going to be a lot of men on TLC falling in love with their car. Yeah. We did a sketch about that years ago on the show. It was about this guy called Chase who was married to his car. Wow. And he was talking to his dad about it. And we did this sketch of...

Very simple sketch. And it's the most I've ever seen my dad laugh and the most horrified I've ever seen my mom. I knew this sketch was coming. So it's basically he tells his dad and his dad's like, you're in a loving relationship with your car. That's fine. And then it cuts back to me in the studio. And I'm like, that would have been very different. My dad cuts to the sketch and I go, dad, I'm in love with the car. My dad punches me and.

I fall to the floor and he says, why can't you be more like your brother? And it cuts to my brother, my actual brother, with his ass out fucking a motorbike. And like really kind of hammering it. And my mum was horrified that my brother had done it. She's like, Danny, why did you let him do that? My dad, I thought he was going to die, man. That's good comedy. But it's weird though, isn't it? It's sort of that...

The kind of... The mania of reality TV is... I mean, where do you go for that? Because that's now sort of drifted into Instagram. That's all it is. It's just people sharing anything. It's the easiest. And just like... So you have the madness of cable, but that's exactly the same as TikTok or Instagram. It's just...

desperate people trying to create a brand and telling you everything. You sort of realize how lucky we are that the great thing is we get to put clips of stand-up online or photos of you, you know, dressed in leather. Whatever sells. But the point is you get to put that out. You don't...

but you're putting out funny things that you've created. It is great. Rather than this thing of like, could this be my thing? Is this my thing that will make you like me? Oh, you're saying we're lucky because we know our thing. What's interesting also about that is when you're scrolling on like an explore page on Instagram or whatever you're using, TikTok, and you're sweating. It's all tits and Norm Macdonald. I...

Because it's tailored to you. Exactly. Cable is not tailored to you. That's what cable is competing with. So you're just going, it's either you're going random shit or you're like, well, this knows what I'll like. Yeah. And that's, you're not winning that battle. No, you are not. That's so true. It's pretty scary.

but it's going to win. But if you watch something before bed, how often is it like you scroll on? What would I watch? What better? I'm like, let me watch something tried and true. Yeah. So they'll make me laugh and put me at ease. That's interesting. Cause I, I can't watch stuff that makes me laugh before I go to bed. Really? I get too kind of amped up by it. I'm the same way. So me and my wife, we, so we've watched mad men. That's our show over and over and over. And it's this kind of weirdly mad men West wing, uh,

and The Sopranos. American TV, baby! But the box sets, The Wire. Oh, yeah. The Wire's tough before bed. That's a downer. But if you've seen it so many times, it becomes comforting. Yeah, and it's slow. It's slow.

I've definitely watched it's probably because of how many times I've seen The Sopranos but like you see an episode where a guy gets his face beaten in with a golf club and you're like alright I'm going to bed it's time for bed that's what I mean it's not like where is Richie April fucking with the panda but it's like it's even watching watching stuff like I've come to the party late and it's not really a party but Top Boy I've started watching Top Boy everybody loves Top Boy yeah it's great thank you by the way that killed I asked you what to talk about Top Boy it's like their wire

Oh. Yeah, it's a huge show in the UK and my wife has been... Kevin Spacey tuned in. He was very disappointed. Yeah. He's like, this is a complete miscellany. But he... The...

It's really good, but it's so tense. When you don't know what's going to happen, it's a hard watch before you're about to go to bed. Yeah, can I take a big leap in a convo? So you mentioned you can pick. Everything's catered to you. I would say that's good and exciting, but it's not great in the regular world. It's good for entertainment, but I think that's why we're kind of in the dating crisis we're in because you used to meet the girl next door, the girl at work, the girl at school, and now it's like...

Why would I go with her? I could have all this. It makes it harder to settle. Well, yeah, the options on your phone, DMing, all that stuff. Exactly. And it's all catered to you, and it's never-ending, basically. And it creates a FOMO that you kind of feel like, yeah. Exactly. I'm married. Look at this chick's fake ass. I could have that. I know, and she's in my area, you know, according to this. And she's single and horny. So, yeah, it's tough.

There's too many options. You go to a diner. You know when you go to a diner, it's like, all right, they got pancakes, they got eggs, they got bacon, they got coffee. Great, give me the pancakes. But you ever go to those diners with like 900 pages and you're like, I don't know. You can't read the page. You got to know what you want. You got to just sit down and go, tuna melt. You got to just do it. That's it. But you don't have those in the UK, believe me. Oh, yeah. The American Diner and the blizzard of options is...

It's so great. Like, I love it. Oh, okay, good. I was worried you were going to trash us for this. No, man. Because you don't... We don't have it. So it's like, I'm the opposite. So I get there and you're like, oh, America. Look at that. You can have fries for breakfast, you crazy fuck. But I get... Honestly, like...

Breakfast in this country is just exquisite. If you go to a diner, what do you get usually? A diner? I kind of... So I was going to this place called The Grey Dog in Chelsea. Oh, I know The Grey Dog. Yeah, I love The Grey Dog. Great. Good sandwiches. Yeah, yeah. I had an omelette today with feta, caramelized onion, mushrooms. You don't have that? No.

caramelized onion in the morning to the birth no english person's gonna caramelize an onion why not you guys can dominate india you can't get a fucking meal together what's going on we can get a meal but it's the care and the options that go into it yeah you guys you know you have some beautiful ornate architecture you got you got cool cars over there yeah we can do like i said the other day i think indian food yes british indian food is we do that really well that's the only cuisine i think we uh

You're a good Chinese. Yeah, it's all right, but it's... But, like, our Indian food is next level. Did you have any curries while you were there? I had a bunch, and I went to a place in Hackney, in that area, right by the theater. I can't remember the name, but it got recommended by, like, 50 people. Was it, like, a bring-your-own-beer place? I don't know. It had two floors, and it was really pretty, and it had, like, a real...

Yeah, I think I know the place you mean. Ambience. What did you have? I got the curry. That was a hack. But yeah, you can't just say the curry. Well, it was curry or tikka masala. I was going to really bonk it up. Oh, right. So you went straight down the middle. Yeah, my buddy got the tikka, so we did a little sharing. I should have taken you because I wanted to come to your show, but I was being truthful. My dog was having surgery. Mm-hmm.

Your dog is 15, you said, right? He's 15. He's 105 if he was a man. Wow. And he's had to have that night that I was going to watch your show, he had four teeth removed. And the vet had to say, look, there's a chance that he may not come around.

So that was the day we did the podcast. So you were hungover and I was petrified my dog was dying. Oh, jeez. So I think with that in mind, we did all right. Yeah, we did all right. She just had surgery too. It sucks. I was trying to work on a bit about how a vet is the weirdest job because you have to deliver horrible news for the silliest names. Oh, that's great. You just come in like, unfortunately, Waffles has a malignant tumor, you know? Yeah.

But it's like you get into being a vet because, you know, you love animals and then you have to do this. But like... That's the majority of it is just putting them to sleep. Exactly. But like if you're a doctor, you don't get into being a doctor because I love humans.

I disagree. My wife's a doctor. And she loves people? And she works in elderly care and she loves people. But I don't think that's the general... I don't think most people... I disagree. Maybe not in America, but they... I think we all just hate people here. But you don't get well paid to be a doctor in the UK. So it has to... These guys have got brains very similar to comics brains, by the way. It's just that we have access to...

ridiculous information they have access to life-saving but for example they could see a bone and go okay that needs this this this and this whereas you hear the word mango and you're like i remember that thing do you know what i mean it's it's a similar kind of memory retrieval system but my wife works in elderly care love and to me that's mind-blowing because she's never gonna win yeah because they're at the end but she just adores hanging out with them and hearing the stories and

And a lot of her friends are the same. It's a real quest and a real love for people. It's fucking strange. Save a life. I think nurses here care about people, where doctors are sort of like the mechanics of people. The nurses, they get to know you. I bet you, honestly, man, I don't know. I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Because a pet, though, a pet, you're like, I've got to put down Waffles, but I've got to put down Shelly.

you got to know Shelly, learn about her life. And we had a conversation where they never had a conversation. I think some of it might be protective too, where you're like, if you're a doctor and you care about people, that's gotta be fucking exhausting. Well, that's it. What you do, you, but you, I guess the, by care, it's that thing of it's helping them on their journey towards death and knowing that enough is enough. And so they've got a pragmatic, uh,

kind of logical approach to it rather than we've got to make them live forever it's like listen they're going to be in agony come on enough's enough and then night yeah it isn't it's it's um but yeah it's it's fucking fascinating like being married to a doctor

is, yeah, it's... What kind of doctor? Elderly care and acute medicine. So she deals with old people and stabbings. So that's a real merry-go-round. Man! Old people who are living tough. Yeah, exactly. Just haggard old gang members strutting around. But yeah, it's...

It's kind of, it's cool. And they're all married. It's so funny because doctors all marry each other. So she's the only one that's kind of married to a comic. Very, it's a tough life. Imagine that. Imagine being a doctor and being married to a fucking comedian. It's the most serious job in the world and the silliest job in the world. But yet she has to deal with a man that takes his silly job seriously.

Yeah. Can you imagine a worse thing? But that's the only way to do it. Yeah, but like, she's dealing with death and I'm like, I just can't make this joke work. They're like waffles. That's a funny name. I feel like so much of this in the early stages is, you know, at least for Mark and myself, I think we were like, we'll get drunk all the time and then you realize the work you have to put into this to have a career and you're like, holy shit, you have to take it seriously. Well, do you know what's really exciting for you guys? So I was...

I saw Nick Offerman leave because he's just done the podcast. And he said to his assistant, I really admire those guys. What? Yeah, yeah. He went, unless it's genuinely true, I'm not blowing smoke out of your eyes. He went, they're incredible. Those two young men, they're incredible. Oh, damn. I just wrote a 20-minute bit about ball bags yesterday, you know? He might have been saying that in the lift. I don't know. We feel the same way about him. He's an awesome guy. But it was really nice, hey? And it was sort of...

I don't know. It must have been really cool. Yeah, incredibly talented and cool guy. So that was awesome. Yeah, no, he's... We're slumming it. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. That's so vulgar. Life is good, man. Fucking animal. Any new bits? That was...

I had a thing about peeves. Thanks, Ash. Oh, him and half a bit. I like peeves. Let's do some peeves. Yeah, yeah. I was told I had to do some work, so I kind of did. No pressure. Hey, Wonderbox is no, is it Wonderbox? Yeah. Yeah, I had to do some homework for that, so we're even. Yeah, let me have a look. Peeves. I got some peeves, too. Okay, do you want to go first? I'll go first. Here you go. I think I used mine on the last one. Let me try. I got peeves. I got peeves for days, my friend.

Yeah, I've written quite a few of these. Oh, I got one. How about this? When people say, don't be mad, and then they're about to deliver you bad news. Oh, yeah. You don't get to tell me how to feel. Yes. I fucking hate... It's always the biggest fucking asshole, too, who's like, don't be mad. You're like, all right, what is it? He goes, I borrowed your car, and I ran over an old lady by accident. And you're like, okay, well, I guess I can't be mad now. Yeah, right. It's a bit like when...

Someone says the phrase, well, I was going to say, do you have that here? Well, I was going to say. Oh, yeah. You just did, you fucking moron. Do you know what I mean? I was going to say, you just did. The one that gets me is when you hear, again, I don't know if this is a phrase...

But it's normally some old fuck in a bar going, well, I've heard it all now. And you're like, you haven't. Yeah. You've never left this bar. You know what I mean? But it's always some guy who's seen it all and they've never left their hometown. It's like when they go, you can't make that up. You're like, well, we got Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings. You can make some shit up. Your story about the dry cleaning not being ready is not that mindful. You can make stuff up. Here's the thing. Here's the thing that I was thinking. It's like a topical peeve, if you will. But Taylor...

Taylor Swift making the news just because she cheered at a football game. I don't get it. Janet Jackson got her tit out. Come on now. On who depends? She made the news. I've jerked off to both, to be fair. But the effort that goes in to doing a dance and then getting your tit out. If she'd have known, all she had to do was cheer him on. She is the biggest. That's my point. I mean, you know what? It's the biggest. I'll be real.

I know. To her fans. They'll come after you. I was actually about to compliment her. She's the biggest star in the world for touring right now. Yeah, we haven't had one like this. So if she does... It also... It is funny to watch the NFL just, like, bow down to her. Like, literally, they realize they're tapping into a whole new fan base. But it's what I mean. It's incredible. But it's the respect that Americans have for celebrity. That's what blows my mind. It's not a celebrity. It's her. Because...

At that game, there was Hugh Jackman, Paul Rudd, Ryan Reynolds. There's all these celebrities there. And no, they didn't fucking mention any of them. It's the kids win. The teens win. They are the most coveted demographic. And she's got it. But it just reminded me when David Beckham was first going out with Posh Spice, which I guess is the equivalent.

Victoria Beckham. The crowd that day chanted and there was 80,000 people in the stadium. Does she take it up the arse? Yes!

And they chanted that at him every week for the rest of his career. I love it. Until he left England. And we got his fans? Yeah. And he's one of our greatest footballers. But that's what I mean. But it's the lack of respect we have for celebrities. Well, pull up the picture of A-Rod, Madonna in Boston. The things over their face.

Alex Rodriguez, the baseball player, he hooked up with Madonna. Right. And the fans in the crowd, they all have Madonna things over their faces. But that's what I mean. You kind of need that kind of humor there.

Do you know what I want to see? Because it kept cutting to Taylor at the football, I cannot wait for the footage of when he has to go to one of her gigs and they cut to him because he looks like a man that does not know her lyrics. No, that's how he met. He went to her concert. Oh, really? Yeah. I stand corrected. Well, here's the thing. Also, my issue with it, it's not Taylor Swift. It's Taylor Swift's fans.

are humorless. You can't make a joke about her or they come after you. That's true. Guess what? They're like, you're going after Taylor Swift? Yeah, she's a billionaire now. I'm making a joke about her. Okay? She can handle it. She's the most popular person in America. I went on a morning show and made a joke faking that we were dating. And I had a Photoshop thing saying like we used to date and it was a picture of her at the...

at the Chiefs game but instead of a Chiefs shirt it was a Sam Morrell shirt that's fun and we doctored it and we did a whole thing pretending like it was real and the newscasters were great they played along it was a dumb gag that's so funny man and I posted it and so many of the Swifties came after me in the comments like like

This is not cool. You don't go after someone like this. I'm like, the most famous person? Yes. Am I not allowed to make fun of fucking Biden or Trump anymore now? She's the female Trump. The Trump people will come after you hard. It's the same thing. Same hair. It's not even her. It's the audience, is what I'm saying. Of course, yeah, because she clearly has a good sense of humor. You tell she's got lots of mates. She doesn't take herself. Her videos are funny. So, yeah, she can laugh.

but it's like you get this what weirdly I did exactly the same on the news this lady was saying the other day so um

how's the show going? When I'm pretty excited, Taylor Swift's coming. And she was like, Oh, is she? And I was going, no, I just said that so I can sell out like that. But she was, and then I kind of, yeah, I was chatting about how the fact, I just found it fascinating that it made the news the day your government nearly shut down. That's so funny. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's a bigger story, but it's a bit like when, like when Biden was trying to make sure billionaires, um, paid more tax than nurses. Yeah. You know, when he released that,

It was the day after Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars. So nobody was speaking. But it was just that thing. It was just... I just really... You should have had Will Smith slap Dianne Feinstein before she died. Would have gotten some attention. But it's just like, just wait a week and let it die down. And then... But it just...

Yeah. Well, that's how obsessed we are with celebrity, that that is bigger than presidential news. Yeah, man. You know? And that's why the president uses celebrity. He'll be like, well, so-and-so's on my side. And we go, oh, they are. I didn't know you had Brad Pitt. I got one here. So in terms of peeve, the word woke, right? Sure. Like, just everywhere. Like, and we've only just started getting it, like...

Takes us five years. We're now doing... Oh, you just got that? Yeah, and it's fucking everywhere now. There was a headline I saw the other day that said, Woke Scrabble bosses ban the word fart and boobies. What? Exactly. But again, it's just there to get people, no, they've come for Scrabble now. You can't even play. But just the idea. First it's the potato head. Yeah. Then the mermaid. But like the cops are breaking a door down. Look, he's got clit on a triple letter. It's just...

So ridiculous. By the way, a guy playing boobies and Scrabble and you're just like... I challenge. Yeah. But it's also... You'll put anything down to win. Yeah. Come on. I love playing Wordsworth Friends. I'll do it on my phone all the time. I love that game. Yeah, but it's just... It's like when you see an article and you're like, this is just their...

just to kind of ride off. Every New York Post headline, that's every headline we get is like, it is begging for engagement. Yes. It'll be like, it'll be just like an overweight woman in a bikini and it's like quotations. I don't care what you say. I look good. I'm like, oh, don't look at the comments. Don't look at the comments. But the comments are now more fun than the journalism. Yeah. You know, but,

But they wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't work. It fucking works. And they get the engagement and they get the clicks and they get the advertisers. So it's on us to just stop. But you can't. That's the pickle. You can't. It's just so difficult to kind of leave it alone. It's like...

No matter how many times somebody says you won't believe you will not believe what Tiger Woods his wife looks now I can't not click on it But I just have its but sometimes it's like a blade and lie where it'll be like, you know, it'll be like yeah, but sometimes it'll be like Will Smith is dying

and you're like fuck I gotta click he's dying and then you click and you're like and then you're like oh it was a fake article for an orange juice like that and then it's just kind of like 800 ads yeah for Fanta yeah man it just but it's how do it works but then and then we kind of do it with clips as well you had you know you have to give it spice it up just so like you know yeah you have to make the cover photo say like

Jews Where's he gonna go with this? I have no idea So my mum is called Ninette Oh no Yeah exactly so I was like that could be The most click baiting Special if I had to show you Talking about my mum called Ninette It's gonna suck when she dies you're like Ninette died We're like woohoo So weird my mum's called bring the pain Yeah Pain with a Y

Oh, man. That's good stuff. My mom's called This N Word's Crazy. Or Richard Pryor album. Here's another one, a topical peeve. Please. Oh, I forgot mine. Just little drips. I keep getting like walking around New York. These just little bits of... I don't know whether it's water or kind of... No one knows what they are. Rain or spit or piss or... But it just makes you feel... Usually it's in the air conditioner. Usually. But it's just...

the most visceral anger at a city do you know what I mean it's just one little and you're like the fuck is and your brain goes in a million what fluid was that yeah and my brain was just like is it fentanyl is it fentanyl that's what like the amount of mate I was in LA and I could I was like pressing you know the traffic lights to to go across and then I just put my hand on it and then I was like oh god fentanyl you've

And I just became this weird, paranoid British guy that it's just everywhere. The people are just going around and just leaving. We're just sharing everything, too. Every subway pole is some guy wiping his ass earlier or a guy who jerked off. You can't think about it. You got a peeve? I just freaking forgot it. I'm super jet lagged. I sort of have one. I got one, too, actually. Let me get a quick one in here. So I'm in Chicago over the weekend, and...

I drink coffee. My girlfriend wants a cappuccino always, so I'm at the Starbucks downstairs, so I have to now... You know when you go to the store... But when you go to... He knows what I'm saying. When you go to Starbucks, they just hand you the coffee. The cappuccino, I now have to wait, and it's a long line, whatever. Fine with the wait. I'm getting the coffee. I wait for a long time to get the cappuccino for...

The woman hands it to me, and I hold it. I go, wow, this is light. I said, I ordered a cappuccino. She goes, yeah, that's a cappuccino. Very confident. That's a cappuccino. Two shots of espresso. And I was like, well, you just said a different thing. You can't tell me that that's... Yeah, right. You just named it a different thing. And I was like, that's not a cappuccino. I'm polite. Like, you know, it's not a cappuccino. A cappuccino is just coffee with steamed milk. That's all it is. But now some fans are like, Sam Morrill, the diva.

Demands cappuccino. It's not even my call. I'm trying to get it for her. Trying to be a good guy. I know. And then she goes, I think I know what a cappuccino is. And I'm just like... What did you do? You work at Starbucks. I go, well, you don't. Oh. And she goes, that's a cappuccino. And I go, thanks for the cappuccino. I'm like, I'm done. I'm not going to keep arguing about this. So I leave and I hand it to her. And my girlfriend goes...

This isn't a cappuccino. I'm like, thank you. Take it up with the ocean. But now she's upset. It just feels like... Do you know what I saw the other day in a Pret-a-Manger? I saw this guy confidently come in and go, can I have a coffee, please? Can I have it extra hot?

Like they're holding heat back. Like, what do you want? A flamethrower? Do you want to drink it straight from the kettle? You fuckwit. I need an extra hot because I'm going to sue you later. Yeah. It was the confidence. That's hilarious. Can I be so satisfied and just take the lid off and go...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hard enough for you? Yeah, is that hard? Your skin is falling off. It's one of the, is it something about Mary? Oh, no, no, Kingpin. That's one of the great bits of slapstick. Yeah. Where he pours the coffee in the face. Oh.

Now that's hot coffee. That's a great movie. You crazy bastard. And the jump out the window. All right. What was your peeve? This one is a little broad. You guys have specific. You have to call them women, please. You got the cappuccino. You got the hot coffee. I think if someone has such bad BO that it's ruining the environment, you should be allowed to hit them with colognes.

I didn't spray them. Yes. Okay. Not hit them with the bottle. Cologne can be unbearable, too. I'm thinking more like a body spray or something. Okay. All right. Give me some Axa for Breeze. Because the flights, the Ubers, I'm like, you're ruining the whole trip. You're ruining... Like, you can stink. That's fine. But now it's secondhand stink. Yeah, sure. So we're taking it in because you don't want to...

or wear deodorant. It's not fair to the other people. I pulled a move once on a flight where this is such a dick move, but I wanted to sit next to my friend and I was sitting next to the smelliest person ever. And my friend was across like diagonally. So I said, oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind switching with me? So I get to sit next to my friend and the woman goes, sure. And she moves over and I just see her turn back when she smells and look at me. And I was just like, what are you going to do though?

Can't really do anything. Are you going to say he's too smelly? No, you're not. Exactly. So I won. It was a dirty move, but it's a dirty game, too. Yeah, it's like abortion or whatever. Your body, your choice. But now you're affecting my life with your stink. I think if you think the person is going to be a shitty father, you should be allowed to abort their kid, too.

Oh, I'm fine with that. Yeah, secondhand. Sure, but that's, I mean, how long are we judging them for? You can't, like, on a... Three minutes. But if you've seen them in the waiting room...

Do you know what I mean? That's the Ultima version of the Larry David look. Right. Where he's just kind of giving it the eyes. He carries around body spray. I carry around a clothes hanger just in case. I'm with you, man. It's that thing. He's wearing an affliction shirt. No kidding. Get rid of him. You know when you hear someone make that noise? Oh, dude, I'm with you. But that's another one in terms of like... I'm with you. Yeah.

Anything like that where you're like, I should be allowed to beat you to death. That was a good RFK Jr. impression. But yeah, I'm with you. The loogie hawk guy, get out of here. But it's that weird, this guy, this taxi driver was doing it from JFK, just the whole journey. And you're like, it's actually a, I think it's called misophonia. My mate's just written a book on it. It's like everyone has certain noises that just...

Do you know what I mean? That make you want to just pang them in the face. And maybe you've got it with smells. My girlfriend has it. She calls it talking. But yeah, sorry. There are certain people like... There are certain sounds that make me crazy. But apparently that's it. It's misophonia. You'll have like... Whether it's just...

you know like the classic one would be the kind of nails on the chalkboard i feel like everyone hates that yeah right yeah exactly i mean to the point where if you if you don't mind that that's a good way of seeing whether or not somebody should uh be allowed to be a father i mean if you could sit through that and you're like i don't hear anything you're like okay that wasn't that bad yeah yeah he's gonna raise a killer but we cut your peeve off oh sorry man first time i ever saw his

This week, hentai porn? Hennetai porn? Oh, the Asian drawing illustration porn. Yeah, but it was more of a video. You fucking coach about you. Is this like when you see Lois from Family Guy naked? Is that what that is? No, it's more like Asian... Anime. Anime porn. Right. And they blurred the vagina and penis. Interesting. In the animation. Yeah. That's messed up. This guy's trying to come over here. He can't see the... Yeah, right?

Wow. But that is, maybe it's the guy. Who do you write to? That's the, that's the comment. This is despicable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So just writing into the New York times, do you have that? Do you have that? We have a show in the UK called points of view.

where a TV presenter will read out the weekly complaints of British people about TV. Oh, that's fun. And it's mesmerizing. But I feel like that's what you need. You don't have Yelp, do you? We have Yelp, but this is on TV. Oh, that's a great idea. Mary from Woking was very upset with this week's episode of Gardener's World. You know?

just all that kind of stuff and i feel like that's what you need yeah well the problem with those yelps is you read it and you're like this has nothing to do with the restaurant you know it'll be a lady like so i went to the chinese restaurant to try it out i mean i was divorced that day and then i had a miscarriage and the restaurant was very drafty and you're like how is the

I never ate. That was too sad. Come on! I'm desperate to see if I can find it. It's so true. It's so true. They always go into some spiel about what's going on in their life instead of getting to the actual... Oh, I got another peeve. Hit me. Okay. People who are... This isn't entirely fair, but people who are...

really energetic morning people just piss me off well this is it but hey fucking amen and which is every single DJ like no but like DJs in the morning but but oh radio DJ that's what I mean that guy every single DJ in the morning that radio hi how are

So true. The world over. So true. And yet not one like you two. This is how people should talk in the morning. Yes. It's just like, how are you doing? You all right? Another day of work. No, you're right. It's going to be tough. They're always yelling. They have sound effects. Yeah, yeah, it's early. We're going to do a funny phony.

I dated a girl who basically backflips out of bed, and then she's like, you're not a morning person. I'm like, no, I don't do gymnastics the second I wake up. I don't know what the fuck you want. I mean, this is like, it takes me a minute. Yeah, of course. I need like a glass of water, a couple coffees, and then I'm with you. Take a piss. Yeah, no, I'm with you on that.

The morning people are crazy. How about the guy who swims in the morning? You're like, what the hell? What do you mean? The guy, the serial killer guy who gets up at 6 a.m., swims, then goes to work. Oh, it's like someone like Mark Wahlberg every so often just kind of shows his routine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like, I get up and I pray for half an hour. No, you don't. What? Nobody wakes up. Although, you know what? He's gotten away with some shit. He might. He might pray. Yeah. And then it's like a three-hour workout. Then it's golf. It's just like, what are you thinking, man? Like...

It's so... Weirdly, the only psychopath I know that can do that is my dad. My dad gets up at, I would say, half five and cycles for two hours. Oh, wow. And he's just like... Yeah, his mom died when he was young, so he has this kind of crazy, I'm not going to die... He's trying to find her. Yeah, no, fucking right. Yeah, full ET, man. Yeah. Yeah.

But it is, but it's that thing of like, he's the only, stop showing that. What do you do with the will of the foe? This is when I wake up to it. How much work are you, how much work are you giving this motherfucker? Jesus Christ, yeah. This is my phone background. He said his dad looks like Willem Dafoe. Oh, I see, right. Oh, this is him cycling. That's not how he rides his bike. He'll get caught in the spokes. He puts his dick in the basket. Exactly. Up front. Woo.

E.T. phone home. But I know what you mean. It's just that kind of wild morning energy. Just dumb it down, man. They should do that show. Just have a morning radio show that represents how people truly are. Great idea. I always felt that way. They should do that with workout videos too. It's always a person who's enjoying themselves. Give me one slightly out of shape dude leading the workout class. Yes. So what's,

So he's not loving it. Yeah, just sat there going, you don't want to be here. Neither do I. Let's go get through this shit. That's rather than all the platitudes, climb the mountain. Oh, like Peloton. Peloton are always like, I've got you. I've got you. No, you don't. If I kill a man, you haven't got me. How far does this go? Yeah, exactly. But this nonsense of like, I've got you. That would be great though if he showed up. He comes to court. He was like...

I can speak to his character. Wow, this guy was for real. Yeah, I've seen this guy sweat. I would go with the same on porn. Give me one porn where it's like, you know, we already got stepmom, we got interracial. Give me hungover. Because that's reality. A pile of laundry on your side. You're both knocking one out until the whole thing takes eight seconds. Hangover porn. I agree. I think I've got a theory on this. The thumbnail's the whole video. Yeah, exactly. We used to have a thing called Reader's Wives. Did you have that? Mm-mm.

So basically, it was kind of... So that was porn when I grew up in... So I was born in 1980. And we'd have... Like, that was the first... Like, it was a thing called Reader's Wives. And the premise of it was that people, husbands, had taken photos of their wives. And this was the first time you'd see porn. And you'd sort of see, like, a dog in the background. Yeah. And the sofa's a bit gnarly. That's hot. The food... No, no, no. Oh, okay. But it was grisly. But I think they deliberately... Looking back on it, it was very scary, you know? Oh, okay.

very angry sort of breath thrust at you and kind of like full Wookie like that but my thinking behind it now is that they were making porn so scary it was just giving us a bit more of our childhood yeah

Smart. Do you know what I mean? That they were kind of, we need to make this as manky as possible. It's like a Mike Lee film, just seeing this. But now you can't get hard unless you see a pile of dishes in the sink or something. I need to see burnt dinner in the background. And there's always a cat in them and the

cat looks do you know what I mean it's just sort of sat there with this like Linda why have you got your new gnar out it's just like this look of utter do you know but do you know what I mean yeah Linda the cat's the only thing getting licked yeah but it's it's it's so it's like a Wes Anderson it's like it's

It's mapped out. There's so much story to it, but all of it, when you see it when you're 11, it's like, ah, it makes you not want to get married. You know, like, that's my life. At nine, yeah. Right. It makes you want to just, you know, go and play football for a bit longer, do a bit of drawing, just stay in your childhood, eat some Skittles, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had it made before we cared about fucking. Isn't that amazing? One day you didn't care about fucking and then one day you did. Yeah. You had your whole life. Cartoons, candy. But then you stopped caring about fucking. Once you're in a longer term relationship, the sex starts to be like... You almost become like friends. Yeah, you gotta go to a sex club. Yeah. Yeah, I still stand by that being a peculiar move. So Mark told me that he'd just been to a place called the Kick Hat Club. That's it. In Berlin. Yeah.

Which is a sex club full of German people. Now, the German, as I said, the German accent is a tough thing to hear. Not hot. But when they're orgasming, that is a cacophony of...

Slager! I mean... Slager fire! Oh, you're scaring him. Fucking right. But can you imagine, you know, that or the South Africans? You know, a white South African man orgasming must be one of the worst noises you can hear. Elon Musk does it a lot. He's got 74 kids. Four? He's got like nine, doesn't he? I said 74. Oh, okay. You know you've got too many kids when you've got to name one like Cuico 9000 or whatever. They all have crazy names. Oof.

He's already used up Jeff and Bob and Rudy. He's already up to numbers. Got more kids than tweets. Yeah. Who do you think you are, Nick Cannon? Well, there you go. That's you, look.

Oh, jeez. That's another one. What are people thinking? I don't know. With that photo? Like there's so many things going on. Oh, those tights were hard to get on. That is an album cover. Mark can get out of those. Nick Cannon's got 13 kids. Yeah, that's a good point. Did you wear eyeliner? I did. It works, eh? I felt bad. I got curly hair, so it's not really menacing or sexy. So I feel like I had to do something to my face.

It sort of looks... That's the thing. You've committed there. That's what I would say. Do you know what I mean? If you're going to go to a leather club, you've got to dress the part. You just can't...

You know, you can't slink in wearing kind of jogging bottoms. No, no. Some Crocs. You've got to go all in. There's some big guys at the front door who go, they inspect your outfit and they go, I don't think so. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Would you watch people get turned away? Oh, yeah. There was a line around the block. I mean, one lady I talked to in there, she's like, oh, four hours in line, but I'm here. I'm like, wow. Can you imagine if you shot that in black and white? That is an Oscar winning film. Yeah. Yeah.

Just this sad gimp who's not kind of leathered up enough. He's going to get back on the bus. Is he opposite of the Holocaust? They're not getting in. Everyone's laughing at him and you just sort of see that and the poor guy just has to go home. Yeah, goodbye Jews. It's a great Louis bit. Great Louis bit.

What did the girl in the red dress... She was symbolizing something. Supposedly America's overlooking what was going on. Oh, wow. Is that right? It was there to see, but we didn't care to pay attention. We didn't care what it is. Yeah. It's there for everyone to see. Interesting. Okay. Sorry I asked. Bummer. I thought it was going to be some cool symbolic thing, but that was too real. Well, let's get this train on the tracks. All right. Let's get this bun back in the oven.

Okay, we lost our gas. What's happening now? Oh, I'm doing Holocaust puns. Oh, no, should we plug Dave? Yeah, okay. Where are you going to be then? Oh, yeah, I need this. Fuck, I need this. I'm doing, yeah, a load of East Coast gigs. Let me get them. Go see this guy. He's got multiple specials. You've put the work in. You've got a show with your mom. You've got a new show, right? Yeah, it's a new show. It's funny. It's sort of...

I've been... There you go. Awesome. Cheers, dude. The 15th of October. Yeah, yeah. So New York. That's the one. Yeah, yeah. So we're doing... Yeah, that's the UK ones.

Yeah, that's my fault. They're all fine. They're all sold out. That's fine. Oh, man, that was good. Now these cats. Here we go. So I'm in Durham on the 4th. Yeah, Charlotte, Washington. I've done the Carolina Theater. That's awesome. Yeah, they're kind of nice rooms. I'm excited about it. I just need people. The Warner Theater is epic, man. You'll get people. People will come out. Yeah, it's sort of getting there. Well, let's go. This comes out next week, right? So let's get good. It comes out on the 15th. Start right there.

Okay, sweet. So yeah, I'm doing St. Louis. Am I doing that right? St. Louis. Thanks. St. Louis, Boston, Detroit, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, and Cleveland. And then I'm off to Dubai on the 11th. Wow. Yeah, that'll be fun, man. Oh, you've got Hilarities in Cleveland. That's one of my faves. Yeah, yeah. That's the only comedy club we're doing, annoyingly. Last time we did quite a few, and we did, what's that amazing club?

It's really small. What town? It's in Denver. Oh, Comedy Works. That's a great gig, isn't it? Great club. One of the best. Wowzers. Wowzers. Oh, I got to give a rec. Michelle Wolfe. I watched her special. Yeah, it's great. It's great. I got to watch it. It's killer. She'll be on here soon. She'll be on here. She did the Comedy Works, Madison on State, Comedy on State, and Philly Helium. I saw her at Leicester Square in London a little while ago, and it was fantastic.

pretty much the same show but sort of doing it over three sets is kind of interesting as well yeah it's kind of quite a cool way of doing it you know cool way to break it up i i really enjoyed it and you never get bored because you're like oh now we're in a new place you know so i kind of kept it fresh i'll be in uh what is this the the 15th so this oklahoma city dallas portland providence cleveland grand rapids denver denver grand junction hartford

Concord, Mobile, NOLA, Santa Rosa, Sacramento, Omaha. You know where it is. MarkNormanComedy.com. New dates added, so come on by. Check it out. Get some Bodega Cat whiskey.

and buy a t-shirt for Christ's sake. What's Bodega Cat Whiskey? That's our whiskey. Holy shit. It's up on the bar there, the blue bottle. Excellent. I got Pittsburgh later this month, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, the big one, November 4th, Theater at Madison Square Garden. Oh, nice. Please come out to that one, buy tickets. The Theater at MSG. Then I got all over Australia, Vegas, Florida,

A bunch of stuff coming up. So samorell.com slash shows. Hope to see you there. Have you gigged in Australia before? I never have. Oh, it's the best. I can't wait. It's really good fun. And it's annoying we're not at the same time. It's really great. You'll love it. I'm pumped, man. Yeah, yeah. They're just...

It's such a cool, cool city. Have you done it as well? Yeah, I did it about two months ago and had a fucking blast. Yeah, Sydney particularly. Like Sydney, I mean, they're all great, but yeah. Melbourne too. I mean, the palais. Yeah, the palais. Oh, I think I'm doing that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah, it's incredible. I don't know what I'm doing, but that sounds familiar. Who knows? Yeah. All right. Well, hey, there you go, folks. So...

Oh, yeah. Get the pod in there. Oh, yeah. If you want. Yeah, yeah. I've got a new podcast. I'm like the only person that didn't have one. And now finally I've got one. It's called Wonderbox. And it's just about people essentially talking about things that they love.

It's fun. You end up, we've got some good guests. John Oliver's on it yourself. Nice. I'd love you to come on. I'd love to do it. Yeah, we should do that while I'm around. Sorry, I'm at the hangover. And then, yeah, don't turn up. He turned up with shades on. Yeah. In fucking England. Well, I love booze, so it was part of the wonder box. Yeah, yeah, you did. I mean, I think the first thing you put in was a gag ball. Yeah, because of the sex club. Yeah, and most people put like, you know, like a pet or a loved one.

But that's what it was. It's really odd. It's a really cool way of, uh, of sort of having a chat with people because rather than comics coming up and doing bits, it puts them into a different space. And also there's kind of a bravery about talking about things you like,

Do you know what I mean? It's kind of quite easy to sort of... Great point, yeah. But things like you talking about film, you clearly don't... Do you know what I mean? You sort of lose yourself a bit rather than... Than nagging and pulling stuff apart. Yeah, man. Taking the piss out of, as you would say. There you go. Hello. I'm trying. All right. Well, there you go. Check out Wonderbox. Check out Russell on the Road. And check us out. We've got specials also if you want to go back and look at the old stuff. We'll see you in hell. Thank you. Norman's talking shit. We're in danger, Russ.

♪ I'm out to lunch here in New This Woman, Gaza ♪