Ep 146: Rick Glassman & Boy Are His Arms Tired
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Are we going yet? No, not yet. Got it! That's why we need a BTS cam. You got that right. But also if we're starting. I don't know. Do you guys do like a start like, "Welcome!" I don't know. You just did it. That was, that could start it, yeah. Good start!

Welcome! Yeah! Welcome to the dungeon. We got fun and games. Our buddy Rick Glassman in the city. Woo! Fanny pack out. Hair's looking nice and cut, snipped. Moist. Yes. Your hair can handle this weather. Yeah, I look at my hair like a cake. I like it to be, you know, moist. Sweet. Sweet.

Dark. And I want to put it in my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. And I want to cum all over it. Yeah. And I'll fuck in my hair. That's a porno site. Girls sitting on cakes. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I started it. Really? No, no, but it's a site. Oh, I meant you started watching it. No, it's a fetish. Oh, you thought you made me start it? Like I just started watching Suits? Yeah. I thought you made me founded it. That's what I was going for. Well, I get you. Thank you.

Yeah, man. Well, it's great to have you here. Yeah, tell it to your face. Should we put the audience in on what we said? What the fuck, dude? No, no, no. At the beginning, we walked in. I don't know if you reveal this kind of stuff, but you said y'all just had done a podcast and I just did a podcast. And we're all a little bit like, at least I am. Yeah. So you're like...

happy you're here pockets of the new gym like i don't even work out anymore i just do pods all day and i'm like exhausted yeah i often look at gyms like cakes like i love them you just can't have them too much and i prefer when they're black yeah they're moist yeah from the uh the sweat before you come all over them yeah when are we starting oh no was that oh is that on for real

Oh, man, we got to delete all that. Oh, my God. Good to see you there, man. That cum stuff could get you canceled. Oh, yeah. Better cumming than going. They still have a place called Cum and Go. Is the fanny pack... Yeah, I started it. Is the fanny pack back?

Oh, it's back. It offers a great utility, and I'm not going to decide what is back and what isn't when it offers me stuff. I just did another podcast. My arms are tired, and I have external hard drives. I have my sunglasses. I have my headphones. It's too little for a backpack, too much for my pockets. It's a purgatory. You're in a limbo, gray area. Middle ground. Thank you. I don't like my cake. Yeah.

Yeah, cake. That's a no gray hair. Good band. Yeah. Which one? Cake. Oh, yeah. They got some stuff. Oh, I love them. Yeah, they were good. They were good. But what's going on here? Baggy seems to be in. These clothes are flowier than a loose labia. Careful. Okay. You look very, you look hip without trying, I feel like. Oh, he's trying. I forgot. What's the name of this? Is this Kill Tony? Why are we busting my balls? No, no. I'm just saying. We're saying you look good. You look like cake.

You know, moist. Black and you want to come all over me. Yes. I don't mind a white cake. What do you call that? Vanilla? Yeah. Yeah. You're just grabbing their tits? Yeah. I'm grabbing the cake. I like this because this is unlike our other guests. Yeah. This is a different energy and I love it. Did you like the other energy too? No. Well, we won't say who it is. No, it was good. But his name rhymes with block morphin. Edit that out again. I had an idea. Yeah.

I was trying to do a name that clearly you're not going to figure out who it is. Oh, okay, okay. If I said Mavid Wade, you would know who I was talking about. David Spade? I was thinking Dwayne Wade. Oh, jeez. Our periods aren't synced. Do me a favor, just for the sake of people wanting to watch the rest of this. Start it now.

Thank you. Are we starting now? Cake. Wow. You can keep on. All right. Keep it in. You heard him. Boys, it's good to be back. Yeah. Good to have you back. Hey, you got your own merch. Oh, yeah. Look at you. And we're back. That's not the only merch I got for us.

You guys already have them, but I never gave you your own. So we'll do that on here because I told you about them on here. Not these gay cards. Yeah, I was going to give you those. Isn't this what we have framed right here? Yeah. Oh, if you don't like it, if you don't want to set for yourselves, then let's not worry about it. I want a fucking set. I'll sell them at a pawn shop. Well, if you don't, I mean. No one's going to buy it, but I'd love to have the card. Yeah, I'll give it to you. Give us the fucking card, dude. Yeah, it's merch. All right, I'll take out my vaccine card and I'll put that in its place.

We don't need those anymore. Who are you? I don't know. Do you know him yet? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, I know him. How would you describe him? Oh, jeez. What are we doing? Therapy? This feels like couples therapy. If you were a pastry, how would you describe him? A pastry? Okay, that I can do. A croissant. He's flaky. All right, I'll give you that. He's dry as shit. He's dry. I think it's been some more than that. He's only good in the mornings. But I'm always happy to see him. Yeah.

How would you describe him as a pastry? A baked good. Well, bagel is the easy out, you know, with the Semitism. Pro, but let's see. Semitism nonetheless. Yeah, Semite. You don't hear too much about pro-Semitism. No, you don't. Pastry, I would go English. No, no, that's not a pastry. Anything that's baked in an oven. English muffin. How so? Because it's a...

You can have one every day, but it's also a little classier. Oh. You know? Thank you. But you can also put horse shit on it. You can put Cheetos and peanut butter. So you can go either way. What kind of English muffins do you make? Cheeto, peanut butter, English muffin? Well, I was thinking of something kind of down and dirty. I love an English muffin. Okay. Do you like a croissant?

Yeah. I got into croissants maybe two years ago. If that, I never liked them because I don't really like butter and they taste buttery. Oh, that's the best part. Well, I got into them and then I started eating them every day. Every day. Like I was like, I want to go get a coffee. And I didn't always get a coffee four days a week, but I would always walk to the place and I want to look at the croissants. Oh, yeah. Did you just fart? Did I fart? No. You didn't just fart? Did you hear that?

I didn't hear it. His body just makes sounds. I said, I love croissants, and I'm looking at you, and I just hear...

I had a... It was the couch. There's a girl I'm seeing and I farted and she goes, did you fart? And I said, no, but I did. Yeah. And I lied, you know? And then she goes, and then I was like, all right, I did. And she goes, well, now I can't trust you. And I was like, that's indicative of all of my behavior, like as if I cheat on her and it's the same way I would respond to a fart. Yeah. Where she's like, did you cheat on me? And I'd be like,

Yes. Would you rather tell her that you cheated than you farted? If you did both. I think you got to tell both. That's what she's saying. That's what she's saying. I get it, but I don't think it's a different level. Are you not comfortable farting in front of your girl? No, I am. I was just trying to be silly with it, you know? Is she cool with it?

Yeah, but I think here's the thing. You should be comfortable with it, but you shouldn't get greedy with it. Kind of like with great power comes great responsibility. Absolutely. You're like the Spider-Man. Yeah. Or the Venom. TaisoCards.com. I'll send you a picture. There you go. But yeah, I fart in front of the lady and you're right. I get greedy. Sometimes I'm like... Does she think it's funny? She does with the first toot. And then if I really elephant Titus...

That she's not into. Well, it's hard to segue that into being like, you want to go to the bedroom? Yeah, yeah. You can't. You got to keep the romance alive as well. We're not doing it in the bedroom? That's what I let them fly. The Dutch oven. I know it's childish, but it's fucking amazing. Is that cultural appropriation? Yeah. To fart under the covers?

If you're not Dutch. Good point. A little different with a Jew, too. A little insensitive. What do you mean? Well, there's some history there. What are you saying? The Dutch. I love the Dutch. What were you saying about bagels? English muffin. No. But farting goes either way. My girl and I, we met... What's his name?

Oh, you said girl already. What would it matter? You said that my cards were gay, that I'm gay. What do you have against gay people? I wish I was gay. Well, you can be. It is a choice. But my girl or guy and I, before we even met, because we met online and it's long distance and we would FaceTime all the time. What app? It wasn't an app. You met on Instagram. I found her business.

Nice. And by the way, her business, as far as this is concerned, is none your business. So I don't like giving too much away of my personal life. Is those nachos? Because this is nacho business. Okay. That was a thing when I was a kid. No, I remember. Nacho cheese. There's a restaurant where I'm from and they're called not so fries because they're not like your typical fries. And I would always think like, whose fries are these? They're not so fries. Better than Nazi fries. Yeah. Those are bad fries. Very bad. Nazi fries.

Not good. It's crazy. Burnt to a crisp. Yeah. All right. You know, I had a comic say to me recently, because I posted a clip where a guy said, perform Jew, and he's a heavier comic, and he goes, do you get that a lot? Perform what? He yelled out, perform Jew, trying to be funny. Oh, like a French dip.

I'm sorry. Ah, Jew. Bless you. I'm really feeling myself forcing a couple of jokes in here. Don't force. But I want to make sure I have a safe space to force the jokes. Always a save. Always a save. Go ahead. Use the force. I don't know if we've had one good one yet. But I want to hear about this. I have a guy and he goes, you get the Jew thing a lot on stage. I'm like, no, it's very rare. And he goes, you know, because sometimes people will yell at me that I'm fat. No.

I was like, what's different, isn't it? I mean, first off, there's never been a fat holocaust. True. You know, they'd be harder to hide. Well, if the Jews are running, it would be a holocaust. Can we keep that one in? Keep it in. We've reviewed it. Yeah. I guess a personal trainer is kind of like a genocide for fat people. But you're paying for it. You don't pay for a genocide. Yeah, but we're still paying for it. We are. And that was also not our choice. True.

Good point. You guys are obsessed with paying. What are you doing? Sorry. Sorry. Keep going. Can we do... Rick is... Bad first date. Rick, you're great at improv. Can you do a scene where you're... Mark is getting disciplined for making pedophile jokes. You work in an office. You're the boss. So he's not a comedian. He's not a comedian. You're in a... You're HR. Okay. Mark is...

You work at a... Let's get a suggestion. Where do I work at? Come out here. Where does he work? A law office? Got it. Mark's a lawyer. Yeah, perfect. I'm a lawyer. I've been re-watching Suits. Well, I founded it. And I get it. I get this stuff. So, great. So, you will be an associate or maybe a junior partner. Sure. And I...

I'm HR or I'm an upper lawyer that is like being an upper lawyer. Yeah, yeah. All right. So I'm the new guy. Your name's on the door. You're a big shot. I'm a name partner. Sure. I'm a name partner. I'll tell you, we had a couple of Girl Scouts try to sell us cookies. I'd like to get in that little box. Oh, yeah. Boy, we're pretty close to a playground, huh? Anyone else hard? Oh, okay. Well, Halloween's coming up. Woo, baby. I'm going to have a big chocolate bar for that kid.

Real payday. Hey, Mark. Yeah, have you heard my pedophile stuff? It's doing okay. Yeah, we've all heard your pedophile stuff. Mark, a couple of people in the office, they've been talking. Oh, good. I'm getting some buzz going. And you've been making people feel uncomfortable. Oh, have they heard my stuff? It's pretty good.

What have you been telling? Oh, I got a bunch of kid fucking jokes. Let me hear some. I love Michael Jackson. I wish I could have gone to Epstein's Island. That's actually... Okay. Okay, okay. But it's still not appropriate for the office. And also there's been a rumor going around here that...

Sidney, could you close the door for a sec? Oh, God. There's been a rumor going around that you didn't actually go to Harvard. No, no. I went to preschool. Okay, there's the show. All right.

What do you think? That was some pretty good Disney. It's coming to Hulu. Yeah. Ooh, coming to Disney Plus. All right. So when I first, when my girl and I were first started talking, one of the first things we talked about before we met was, and it was silly, but like intentional and also mattered. Where are you with farting? Like, how are you with farting? Because I fart. I have to fart. Oh, good. And some people think it's disgusting. Some people think it's hilarious and everyone in between.

I have noticed, and I don't think it's a coincidence, and my relationships over the years, they've all been okay with farting. And I think that's indicative of like, if you're not okay with farting, farts aside, I don't know if you'll be okay with me just expressing myself however I need to. And she thinks farting's funny. She farts all the time. Wow. Lady fart. Very much a lady fart. Like an English muffin. Yeah.

Nice. Very classy. Got it, got it. That was not a classy fart. That was a dying fart right there. I guess you're right. I guess you're right. It was more of a puff. And it's a hard stop. It's a cute fart. That's a good mouth.

No, they're just, well, you know, she's wonderful and everything is wonderful, but they are, I mean, her farts are way stinkier than mine. Oh, that's a problem. But she has great fart timing. Okay. She has great fart timing. She'll get up and go, are we hearing these farts? I'm hearing these farts. No, but I got you. Hold on. Let me see.

Yeah, that's what I've been hearing. Wow, that's good stuff. Not bad, right? Yeah, that's solid. Very impressive. But she'll make a little joke out of it. She'll go over there and be like, I have to go make a phone call. You know, whatever her version of that is. And like, he gets a laugh. I know what she's doing. She does it over there. Yeah. I just, I love, my grandfather used to say, it's better to belch and bear the shame than not to belch and bear the pain. Hey. And I subscribe to that very much. He was in the Holocaust. Yeah, he knows about gas. Well. All right.

But good for her. My ladies let a few of those lady poofs go, and it's off-putting. Yeah. I know it's a double standard there, but it is a little off-putting. The noise or the smell or both? The smell. Right. I can deal with the noise. I love a fart noise. I wonder because I like her so much. Do you like your wife? I'm up and down. Right. I'm in and out, hot and cold, off and on, straight and by. But...

Too much. It's like you said, you can't get greedy with the farts. You let one go at the right time. Hey, dad's funeral. Now we're cooking. Funeral farts are solid. It's a lot of tension. Exactly. Yeah, they're right. It's an open casket and an open casket. Yeah, you're cutting the tension with a fart. You can't do it when they're putting the dirt on the casket like at a Jewish funeral. Don't fart at that moment. Right. Unless you have to fart at that moment. Well, yeah, then you have to. But that's why those poofs are good because they're a little quieter. Do you know Andy Cozell?

He's a L.A. comedian. He said something once. I farted at Barney's Beanery or something, and it was like, we got to laugh out of it. And he said, farts have the best comedic timing. And I've always, like, when have you heard a fart and

Even if you're grossed out by it, like, it's funny. It's funny. Blazing Saddles was on TV yesterday, and I turned on right at the fart scene. Oh, at the beans. The Nutty Professor fart scene. Fart scenes are funny. You can't. I think the fart, they said, was the first joke in, like, caveman time. It was, like, a guy's ass with a puff of wind coming out. I thought that was we adapted to speak. We used to speak out of our butts, and that was talking lines. Oh.

You're just talking out of your ass. Cut to a clip of Ace Ventura Part 2. There you go. When nature calls. All right. But yeah, farting with a relationship, it's kind of like the abortion issue. You got to be on one side of it. Yeah. Are you pro-choice or are you... Pro-stink? Yeah. I think it is like the abortion issue. I'm okay when a man decides to do it. Right. Yeah. So the government is in their ass now as well.

Yeah, right. Pro-life. How do you feel when a guy farts around you and it smells? That's annoying, right? Look, one is funny. It's when you get greedy. We've been around the guy, like, Microscene's farts. They might be the worst farts I've ever smelled in my life. He ruins your day. He hotboxes you. They're in the room. Usually they linger, then they go away. But he's always farting, you're saying? Well, foodies, you've got to think, like, people who love...

Like, I love Chinese food, but you got to think, like, certain things you eat are going to make your gas smell. I mean... Yeah. Who said that? Plato? Yeah. But you've been with those people that we were like, what is your diet? Right. That this is coming out of you. While we're on diets, I'd like to follow up because last time we spoke that you were Pepto-Bismol all the time, and then I think I got you on to...

the peppermint oil are you did you we have a very interesting friendship i feel like we're friends now right yeah what are you kidding absolutely but it's such an interesting question that i'm actually flattered that you asked i want to hear more about well the fact that you turned me i was a pepto-bismol guy to the point that it was in my rider so pepto was in my mateo lane the comedian once texted me thank god i'm at this club after you because there's pepto in the green you wanted it yeah

But I told him, Rick Glassman turned me off Pepto. I'm doing the peppermint pills now. And much better. Natural. It's better for you. Interesting. And they work, don't they? But how bad is your stomach? Because you asked if I had any when you came in today. So I have digestive enzymes on me. So I'm trying to be more conscious. I've learned what doesn't feel good for me. So I'm doing a better job. What doesn't feel good?

Well, fried foods don't. I do have a – I've learned that gluten doesn't necessarily affect my stomach but affects my joints. Like I get stiff. And gluten causes inflammation for a lot of people. Yeah. So when I eat gluten, if I eat fried food, if I eat a dessert – Wow, that's a lot of foods. That's why I try and limit them. But when I do, I take a digestive enzyme, not necessarily a peppermint pill.

Once my stomach starts to not even painful, once I start to feel in my stomach or something, I'll take a green pill right away. And it's like magic. Really? Oh, yeah. Is that the green pills? Oh, wow. IB guard. Yeah. Which is like out of all my sponsors, I want to invest into IB guard. Yeah. Because I sell it. HIV guard. That's just a condom. But I got to get some of this for my wife because she's got the stomach of the Jewish people.

It's not pretty. May is not Jewish. I wish, but no, she'd be circumcised. But she's always got the stomach stuff. She's like, my stomach, lactose, lactate. Also, listen, peppermint pill, great, but obviously she doesn't know what's affecting her body. Yeah, and the semen intake is overwhelming. Does she swallow a lot? Really? Wonderful. Oh, my God, like it's mayonnaise. That was part of his toast at the wedding. It was beautiful. Yeah.

We cheersed it. I took some too. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that would be a man's A's. Now, would you say that she gets stomach aches all the time? Or would you say that she has them? All the time. And she's shitting like a goose. It's wet. It's bloody. It's gay. It's wild. Wait a minute. Jews do not have good stereotypes. She's a goose. He said a goose, not a juice. Shit like a goose. Oh.

You heard juice from goose? I heard juice. Okay. He said stomach of a goose. Goose. Like, she shits like a goose. Ooh. But she has a stomach of a Jew. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. The modern day Frankenstein's monster. Right. Stomach of a Jew. Face of a goose. Yeah. I think, what's her face? Looks like a goose. What's her name? You know what I'm talking about. The lady. If we guess now, it's just going to be hurtful if we goose now. Goose face. She's pretty.

But she's got the face of a goose. Really? What's his name? Who? Actress? Yeah, just in a new movie. He was in Barbie, Ryan Gooseling. We'll be right back. Which one's my camera? This one? This one.

Oh, Sarah. Jessica Parker? No, no. That looks like a goose you looked up. Actress. Famous actress. Maybe not Sarah. She's in the movie with the little boy. They gave her some shit for being too weird because she's fucking a little boy. Oh, Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence. Goose. You don't see goose? No. I feel like she's got a little goose face going. Put a goose up. Type in Jennifer Lawrence goose face. She looks like a goose? Hold on. A hot goose. Oh, we don't want that. What?

That's a goose right there on the right. I mean, she's very attractive. I think you don't see the goose at all. There's like a little neck thing going on. No. Oh, there she is. No, that's a goose. Oh, oh, okay. Got it. All right. Well, maybe it's just me. I see goose. I don't see the goose. Do you see geese in a lot of things? No, never. This is constantly seen. The way you hear Jew, he sees geese. A therapist scene. Oh, man, what a body. So, Mark. Look at that goose. Look at that goose.

Come on! There you go. We got glasses. That's just a worse picture of her. All right, I see a squawking white-feathered goo. Goop. That's Paltrow's company. Vagina candle. Click on that one with the gray dress, by the way. That's just a fucking hourglass if I've ever seen one. Hachi machi. Who is that? That's her. Oh, wow, she looks good. Goose on the left.

Hot on the right. That sounds like a lyric to something. We got goose on the left. Hot on the right. Squawking all day. Fucking all night. Now that's the goose with the short hair. Look at that.

Come on! Yeah, she does look like a goose in that one. Okay, we got a goose! All right, you got me. It took a while. Damn, that was like... That's the only picture of her. You are a good lawyer. That took a while, but we settled. We're going to keep you around. Goose and to the left. All right. So, I'm sorry. I cut through there with the goose. What were you guys talking about? I was just saying my girl's fart timing is pretty good. Oh, fart timing. But let's talk about what you said that you think we're friends. Ouch. Ouch.

Is it because you're not sure if I feel the same? I said I'm not. Yeah, I don't know. We don't talk at time, but I feel like I'm always happy to see you. I thought it was a given. You've done the pod. You've been in his green room. You've done our pod 900 times. I think that was what solidified once we're hanging outside a pod is, you know. Yeah.

If you guys ever get Jennifer Lawrence as a guest... That's over now. I want you to get up and go around the room and tap everyone else's head and say, duck. And then we get to her.

See if she knows the reference. I thought I had bad ADD. This guy said, let's get back to our friendship. And then he goes back to the goose thing. He had the goose joke locked and loaded. He wanted to get it out. No, the duck duck goose just came in my head. Maybe because friendship, kids, games. Right, well. Why don't you stop playing games with me, dude? Oh! Yeah. I just got goose bumps. Okay. Jeez.

Good children's book. Goosebumps, remember that? R.L. Stine. Yeah. Oh, gee. Yeah. I don't think I've ever finished a book that wasn't a Goosebumps, for real. There you go. What about the Torah? I didn't finish it, but I did read my portion. Oh, okay. How about portion size? Yeah, you fucking banged it out, dude. Yikes, it's a beautiful language. Which means my stomach hurts. Do you have any green pills? Yeah. Yeah, so, because our relationship, my relationship with the two of you is...

I think exclusively, with the exception of when we did Just for Laughs together a while ago. Oh, wow. Which was 2013? Yeah. 14? That's 10 years. We were just back there. It was weird to be back. Yeah. Did you open with that or did you say good to be back? Weird to be back. Weird to be back. Weird to be back. Yeah. Sam? Podcast is our friendship. So like most of our friendship is like documented, if not all of it. That's right. Except for that fucking...

What was that? I was giving a high five to the mannequin. Oh, okay. Good. But, uh... So you're saying that we're friends the way porn stars who only fuck on set are lovers? No, I'm saying I understand why you would question that. Oh, okay. But I have developed very... Both grown friendships and created friendships through podcasting. Where, like, I knew a person and now some of them have become, like, my best friends. Yeah.

We don't live in the same place, but I feel like

I feel like we've absolutely become friends from it. Me too. Hold on, my queefy friend alarm is going off. You guys done yet? That was beautiful. But yeah, I don't know you outside. I don't know you outside of performing. Yeah. Even this, as low energy as it is. Low energy? I'm on my toes here. That's funny because I believe you and I'm just so used to being so fucking hyper that I feel like... I got to match you ADD cunts.

It ain't easy. Well, your lawyer improv was good. Okay. Let's do another one. What should we do? I don't have improv in here. You're a master at it. I appreciate that, but really, I'm just here to facilitate, you know? Come on. What?

By the way, I went and saw a safari. Went into the safari. Elephants were the meanest animals. Everybody's like, the lions, what are we going to do? Elephants charge us every two minutes. Really? Do you think it's because you don't stop making fun of them? Maybe. I did some weight jokes. Yeah, what happens next time you see Jennifer Lawrence? How do you think she's going to feel? Oh, man, she's going to peck me. Is that weird to you that this shit will live forever and there is a chance you will meet her? I've hung out with her. Oh, at Schumer's thing? Yeah, at her wedding. She was...

Half in the bag. So she won't remember. How did she look? What does that mean? She looked great. Oh, drunk? Does that mean drunk? Yeah. Kyle Dunnigan was all over her. How'd he do? Not good. He was trying to seal the deal with some Caitlyn Jenner? Yeah, he tried his Bill Maher. Okay. Okay, people. All right.

Why would you ever have kids? Okay. And then he did his Biden. Do you think Bill Maher is condescending to all these fucking women? He's like, really? Really? Wait, what are you saying? What? Huh? Oh, that's... And we have our cold open.

So what are you saying? What? Ha! It's like, dude, what is this? I don't know. We're all over the road. But Bill Maher... But I was saying, what are you saying about Bill Maher? Are you talking about somebody's impression of him or are you actually talking about Bill Maher? No, Kyle Dunnigan does an incredible Bill Maher. Have you never seen that? I have seen it. It's excellent. It's funny as hell. But he's saying, is Bill Maher cunty while... or condescending while fucking? I was trying to set up an improv for you, possibly. Oh, okay. You be Bill Maher. Okay. Ha!

Oh, yeah. Why would you ever have kids? I don't know. He seems all right. Bill Maher was nice. Okay. That was some good improv from both of you. I'm a big fan of his. He just had Riley Gaines on, the swimmer lady who hates to... Oh, nice. Whatever Tom... Yeah, I like his show a lot. Bill Maher's show? Yeah. New Rules is... It's great. It's incredible. And his delivery of it and what he brings to it and also the writers of that are...

I love it. I love it too. Sometimes it gets me for real. I get like, fuck yeah, we need real riled up. It's funny and poignant. Yes, yes. I'm a Bill Maher show fan. Yeah, it's good. I like him too. He's smug as shit, but you learn to love him. I watched him with Bill Maher, Bill Burr. Oh, that was weird. That was an uncomfortable one. Yeah, and I asked Bill about it because- And? Yeah.

Oh, sorry. Hand. Job. Because Bill Maher often on his show, and I understand it, but he seems to have an agenda against ageism pretty strongly. He does hate that. Like, not... You know what that means. I don't need to explain what ageism means, right? Of course, yeah. We hate agents. Turn it off, dude. All right, sir. And...

Bill said something about like there are different generations. I don't know, 15 years apart or whatever. And he goes, you're,

There was such contention between Bill Maher with the age stuff. I don't even remember what it was. But it was kind of like we went... And Bill thought, no, no, everything was fine. He thought it was totally comfortable. Yeah. But is that... I was a little uncomfortable watching it. Yeah, you saw it, right? Yeah. And I... Obviously, they're both different and great bills. But it was like...

and Bill didn't feel it at all. Which is weird. I read it a little bit as, I think with a stand-up, Bill Maher is a little insecure because I think he thinks he's one of the greatest stand-ups ever. He says that. He says that, and it's,

I mean, come on, there's no world where he's in the same class as Bill Burr. It's insane. I mean, I agree. As a stand-up, I'm saying. You know, his show is terrific. Yeah. Right. But I think there's a little insecurity, and he's a little feels challenged by a guy like Bill Burr. It's how I read it. It's his show, so he kept interrupting him. He was kind of trying to alpha Burr a little bit. That's how I read it. And I felt like Burr is so good at getting back in, and you can't fuck with him. So it was awkward. I mean, with Burr...

Yeah, I thought he was trying to big dog him a little bit. That's what I'm saying. Maybe. And it's just not going to happen. You're just not going to pull that off on Bill. He's too quick and he's too confident and he's too good. It's not going to happen. And he's kind of pulled the like, what are you doing, man? You had me on your show. You won't let me talk. And Marr has to go, ah, geez, all right, all right. It was on Bill's show. Bill Marr. They both did it. I didn't watch. Are you talking about on Bill Burr's podcast or Bill Marr's podcast? It was on real time. It was on HBO. Oh.

Oh, we're talking about two different things. I didn't even see that. Oh, wait. He's on the pod? Bill Maher came on Bill Burr's podcast. Is that right? Yes. How did I miss that? Pull that up. The audio only. And... Right? I don't know. Whatever. Well, he doesn't have video. Yeah, he does. But it was weird again, you're saying? Because Bill Burr came on my podcast right after that, so I cut to a clip of it. And he said... What? And it was weird again? Bill Burr didn't say it was weird. I thought it was a little contentious. Well, he's not going to admit to it being weird. He seemed to...

Bill seemed to be being honest. Oh, it is on video. I guess they started doing... Oh, I got to listen to this. When was this? 22. Oh, this is almost a year old. Geez, I'm out of the loop.

But, yeah, so age, you know. Kemming, kerning. I mean, if you want to leave this shit in the podcast, go for it. But holy shit, I almost fell asleep. Yeah, well, it was your idea. Yeah, I dropped the ball. All right. You took a risk. I get it. I'm feeling stellar. This has nothing to do with me. Yeah, it's just searching stellar. Yeah. Google stinks. There's some real idiots over there in Silicon Valley. Are you guys worried about AI taking over comedy?

I'm worried about AI, period. Yeah. It's all going to be... A period, I period. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm worried about it, man. Yeah. I think we got a good five years left, so we better live. Tour like a motherfucker. Cash is going away, too.

Yeah. That worries me. I like cash. What do you like about cash? Well, the freedom of it. Under the table, you can play a dice game. You can snort a line of Coke. You can give it to a stripper. You can break the rules with cash. We're on the grid, but the illusion of being somewhat off the grid with cash is kind of fun. It's nice. And we're going to talk. When it goes away, we're going to be like, man, we had some good talks with cash. But you could do that with crypto. Eh, it's invisible. What?

I like to hold it. I want to slap it on my hand and give it to a hooker. Gotcha. Were you into hookers when you were single? No, I've actually never... I fucked one, but she didn't charge me. She's good. Oh, yeah. So you love the therapist? Hope not too much. No, I love... Are you sexually attracted to her? No. Come on. On what? Is she on the couch? Oh, no. No, I'm not sexually attracted to her. I just love... I love therapy.

I love therapy. I like it too. I love asking questions. I love people asking me questions. Yeah. I like finding patterns and things that I couldn't see before. I like learning intention. Also, like in trauma moments, like I like somebody to talk to, to like help me self-soothe when I can't get there. Hear, hear. I'm a big therapy man. Same. I like it. But I feel like you get the tools. You learn what they tell you what's what and then I don't need to go back.

So I don't go every week all the time. I'll take months off. Yeah. And then I'll go back every now and then for a little. And then there's some times where I notice something that I need to work on. And I'm like, hey, collaborating with somebody. Like, hey, I'm going to come in and then I'll go in once, twice a week for a couple months.

Kind of like loading on a new supplement or something. Yes. I think it bothers them when you turn them into a part-time gig a little bit. They don't like it. I'll let you speak for my therapist. Go on. Yeah, I will. I'll speak for you. I don't give a fuck about your therapist. What about people that go to comedy shows sometimes and then they stop and they go again? It's not a weekly thing. I think they expect you to go. I do it too. I'm saying I think I don't think they like it. Yeah, they don't like it when I do it either. You think because it affects their product or they're not making the money they want?

Probably, I think they're both like, I'm not a fucking mechanic. This is not a tune-up. But it is. It absolutely is a tune-up. I agree. I'm saying I agree with you guys. When your car's in a lot of distress, you go a lot more. And then when it isn't, you still go get your oil fixed. Changed. I'm sorry. Changed. Changed. You get your oil changed. You can't say anything anymore. Get your oil changed or whatever. Yeah, but sometimes I disagree.

Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, if they want us to come more, then they should start fucking our lives up. You know, you're going to have to go behind the scenes. They want me to come more. They got to keep talking about my mom. Yeah, there we go. Count it. I don't remember this. You have mom issues. I'm in therapy. He has parent issues. You don't have mom issues?

I didn't know that. Everyone has mom issues. Mom issues I have is the fact that we don't live in the same state, so we can't just laugh and talk all the time in person. Still breastfeeding. I'm so close to my... I mean, I suck. No, no. We're close. It's not bad, but it's like there's still issues. Go on. Tell me more. How does that make you feel? She raped me.

You know what? Yeah. I see it now. Yeah. Not that she raped you, but you couldn't even give one example. Oh. We were being sincere for a while. Oh. And you, much like the way you improvise, you go, you heighten too quickly so there's nowhere to go. That's your version of shutting it down. Wow. You think I heighten too quickly? Oh, buddy, if you had a nickname, it's heightens too fast. Yeah.

And I'm not talking about your stand-up curated. I'm talking about when you came on. I remember when we were improvising and really doing it for real. We were trying to have a real scene, and we established something. And then you just go, and then I raped her. I'm like, Sam, let us put that in this for a little bit. He's got a point. You notice this? You're a heightener. You're a heightener. Hey, I'm short.

I'm a shortener. You're also a heightener, Mark. What's going on? What have you learned as an adult that you didn't know as a kid with your relationship with your mom? I think there were some tendencies that she...

could be judgmental and overbearing in ways. And that translated towards, she's a very loving mother. And of course he would say, you feel like you have to qualify this before even critiquing her. But, you know, obviously you love and respect your mom. And of course, I get that. And a distant father throw that in the biological father was yes. And yeah, my dad was good. Yeah. Um, you're close with your, with your stepdad. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and your mom judged you.

I don't think me. I think other people. I think like women in my life. Like, I know my mom. I've got some texts from mom, from your mom that were pretty judgy. How about you? It's like, I hate when he does this. I hate this. No, she'll, she'll spread it around. No, she agreed with this assessment.

I think there's a part of her, like, she definitely respects my stand-up and respects that I built a career of this, but I think she wishes I was a humorist. Ah. I think she wishes I was, like, a New Yorker shouts and murmurs type of comedian rather than a... Because I think it's, like, classier and less... Like an English muffin. Like an English muffin. Thank you. Well, you're very well read. You're cultured. Are you? Have you read Say Cheese and Die? I haven't. Oh, it's a great Goosebumps.

Damn. Oh, I actually, I might have read that back in the day. Ah, R.L. Stine. How about Camp, which is the camp one? Yeah. There's a camera, right? I don't know. Wasn't there a camera something? Jews love camps. No, that must be the Say Cheese and Die one. Camp Nightmare. Right, I remember this. I think that's a concentration camp. Hello. Yeah. That would be a weird R.L. Stine departure. Well, it is scary. Just a fucking holocaust.

Yeah, wow, we're getting somewhere. Keep going there, Dr. Glassy. What were we talking about goosebumps for? Why did that even come up? Well, it said she looked like a goose. Oh, humorous. Duck, duck, goose, goose, goose. Okay. No, she likes, I think that's more her avenue. But she does, I mean, she laughs at the show. I've definitely seen her in the crowd before where she'll do one of these. I go into like a joke she doesn't like as much. I see one of these.

And I'm like, you sat too close to the stage so I can still see you doing that. Before I started stand-up, I went...

I went to... I feel like I talked about this on a podcast once. And if it was this one, because I don't know why. But anyway, I'm feeling insecure about repeating something on your pod. Lay it on me. I went to the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. My uncle does lighting and stuff. So he got me in. And I wasn't even doing stand-up yet. But I got to be in the green room and see all this stuff. It was very exciting. And I saw Seinfeld and Chris Rock. Jeez. I went to the Chris Rock...

soundcheck in the Coliseum at Caesars and there wasn't very many people in there and he was up on stage and he goes make sure my mom sits and he said like at a certain role and at the time I even got it and I wasn't even doing it because he didn't want to see her reactions to things maybe she reacts good I don't know but you just don't you know you don't want to see your mom yeah but just it's always level he's like don't put my mom there when they see someone you know

I'm not going to force crowd work, but I might want to do crowd work 45 minutes into the set. Sure. And then it's like you're doing crowd work. What are you doing? That's Robb.

Yeah. It's a friend of mine. Oh, that's the word. You feel like you're phony a little bit because you're performing a little. So you feel they know what you're doing. The whole thing sucks. Yeah. So what do you think your mom judging you has to do with you? Because you both are. But just speaking for you, I'm going to lean into this type of guy. You lean into the thing. And that could be like pushing back and being competitive. And do you feel like...

When an audience member is heckling you and or you're on a premise that people aren't yet on board, we're like, hey, fuck you, and is leaning in thing. Is that because they're judging you? No, I think that's because if I do a joke that's kind of like a lean-in type of joke, you can't do like a halfsy abortion joke. You can't do like a... A half what abortion joke? Yeah, I'm on the fence. You have to lean into whatever the premise is. Right. Or the joke isn't funny. I mean, like...

Same with a comic. Look at a comic like Anthony Jezelnik. If he took any of the sting... Could you type in Anthony Jezelnik like a goose and see what happens? If you took any of the sting out of his punchlines, it just wouldn't be as funny. If there was any lack of certainty, it wouldn't be as funny. Well, it's well known that his mother judged him. He is German. There's a little goose going on here, by the way. I don't think so. I'm just kidding.

He's a very handsome man. He is a handsome guy. Yeah, the ladies love him. Silly goose, maybe. Hey, there you go. How about you? What made you be a comedian? The molesting? Yeah. The diddle? What's funny about that? Well, I'm heightening.

Should have done that to the camp counselor, not me. Well, that's an R.L. Stine story, if I'm not mistaken. That's true. Came nowhere. Yes, yes. I used to, I have a lot of things. Scout master, baiter. All right, sorry, keep going. I would tell jokes to be able to. Slow the sound down? What are we doing here? Come on.

I was tapping into something that felt real. What is this? Inside the actor's studio? Out with it. PBS over here. Hit it. I don't know if you really want me to tell you. Yeah, yeah. We want to hear it. Well, then maybe give me a little bit of a safer space. All right. Sorry, sorry. You can do it. When I was little. Yeah. I didn't have. Feeling in your legs. Never mind. All right. Well, the pod's over.

Come on, get it out of there, hairy arms. What are you playing? Incredible Hulk's sad walk away. We don't need Salakius at all. Peters is already killing it. Bill Bixby over here. What good pull. And I had a hard time. Yeah. With what? Just fitting in. My brother was popular and I had a lot of friends. I always just felt out of place, you know? Sure, sure. That must have been very hard for you, Rick.

But you're tall. I wasn't. Oh. Could've used some height. I wasn't tall yet. Oh, yeah. I was small. I was into science and nerdy shit. I got hit by a gamma ray. Oh, no. Or as you would say, a gamma gay, because that's your brand. Wow. Push it. I was a boy. I was young. I felt a fool. There should be some.

One there to hold my hand and trust that was love.

Whatever. And see. Wow. You guys are going to make fun of me. I was a nerd. The waterworks just came out. Yeah, the commitment there was unbelievable. That was. And then, yeah, then I got Bobby Lee on the pod and realized, hey, maybe there's something to these jokes after all. Because he brought a good amount of audience to my podcast. And then I started getting in there with comics. Yeah, comics saved the day.

Because for me to fit in, I was much like yourself, didn't fit in, weirdo. But you start finding booze. And that was a nice lubricator. You mean like bombing and people booing you? No, no, that came later. I'm talking about high school. Yeah, gotcha. You find booze was a nice social lube, and then you meet some weirdo friends, and then you're off and cooking. You're both drunks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I would say yes. Yeah. Well, you did. Yeah. I'm going to say it again. What if you had to stop drinking today?

Where does your happiness and where does your career go a year from now? Probably better off in the long run, but that few first couple of months would be... You think it's just a couple months? Yeah, I'd have the DTs. What if your wife said if you stop drinking, she'll go on an elimination diet? What does that mean? She'll figure out... Elimination diet, you figure out... You get off all the things that people are commonly intolerant to...

Oh. Like nightshades. This is the most Jewish fantasy about a guy's wife. Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, has your girl, has she ever gone on an elimination diet? I don't even know what that is. It sounds like genocide. And then you come back in, and then you reintroduce new foods, and you find out what is upsetting you. Oh, she did that. And she's still shitting like a Jew? If I know women, they'll find something to be upset about. Am I right? Yeah.

I'll tell you, these women, they're all right. Yeah, yeah. She did one of those tests at the hospital and they said you can't have soy. Yeah, but that's not real. Oh, really? No, you've got to actually do it. I feel like going and getting blood work. This is a great analogy. You have to trust me. I'm listening. Getting blood work to figure out what you're intolerant and allergic to

Is like... Alright, alright. Oh fuck, I forgot. I had a great one. Hold on. I know, you finally got that energy up. Yes. He's coming, dude. Hell yes. Yeah, he's coming. Don't make fun of it. First orgasm on the pod. Except for me and Miss Pat. Thank God your pants are white.

Okay. Oh, I forgot what it was. It was such a fucking good one, dude. Wait, wait. So the diet, don't have soy, don't have gluten. She went to the hospital. Something about cumming in your pants. Yeah. You came everywhere. Well, anyway, when they get the test and it tells you about some stuff. Yeah. It's like, you got to really do it. You got to get off the food. Well, she's doing that now, but she's going off the list from the hospital.

And she feels better. Yeah? And inflammation went down. Oh, yeah? She was huge. Really? It was a problem. We were going to do an intervention. Yeah, rascal. But she slimmed down just in the nick of time. Yeah, it was getting scary. We were worried. I had the divorce papers ready. I had a lawyer on the line. We were concerned. What was your lawyer's name? Fat...

Get rid of her nice. Yeah Have you met Harvey Specter is I'm a is unbelievable. He's really oh, okay. Yeah, we lay it to Phil Fairly newer well, you know quicker than you you pull up Harvey Specter You guys might know he's he's really good. Hmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, that guy's good. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, he was banging Markle for a hot minute. No, you think you give Mike Ross? I see. Oh

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Boy, she's kind of on the outs. Oh, yeah? Why would you say that? I feel like she was hot news for a minute. She was on Oprah. She had a Netflix special. She's got all the victim status from being half black with the queen, and now everybody hates her. Man, it's tough being royal. Yeah. Flush. Yeah. Do you guys know that song where it goes, I want to be royal, royal?

Lord, yeah. She said it best, man. Yeah, she's fucking good, dude. Queen B. She's fucking good. So we're all fucking comics in our mid to late 20s who are in relationships, right? Yeah, bro. You got that right.

It's not easy being a black guy. Yeah, you're my fucking burps, dude. I'm tearing this shit up. Oh, yeah. I'm going crazy today, dude. If you could have anybody's voice, literal voice, whose would you pick and what would you do with it? RFK Jr. No. R. Kelly, but I'd also want to say what he was feeling. We'll put this through a modifier to make it sound like R. Kelly. Go ahead. Auto-tune.

What does he feel? I didn't know this was going to go any further. You got to heighten. Fuck, dude. Hey, we're not your mom. Fuck you, dude. You are my mom. Yeah, because we're proud of you. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. You see the audience as your mom that serviced you for a while because you learned how to heighten their jokes. Why don't you service me? Why don't you put your fucking mouth on my dick? I'm not even joking. Pull your pants down. I'm not joking. I'll suck your dick right here. Prove it. Witness. Pull your pants down. Unless you're... To chicken? Woo!

You may think Jennifer Lawrence looks like a goose, but I see a chicken right over here. What? Fuck. Don't lay an egg. Are you afraid your mommy doesn't want to suck your dick? What the fuck, dude? Jeez, that was a little over the line. That was fucked up. You don't think my mom wants to suck my dick? What does that bring up?

Rejection? How so? That, you know, you want... It's like a wedding invite. I don't want her to suck my dick, but I want the option. Good point. But how would it make you feel to know that your mom would judge you if you wanted her to suck your dick? You don't want a mom job? She'll wear an apron. Maybe I do. Maybe I do. Maybe I want my mom to suck me off, dude. It's not the first time your dick's been in her because she made you in her stomach. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking deep, dude. Uh-huh.

Isn't that weird? Your mom made your dick. Yeah. That's a mind twister. She's the oven that made this English muffin. Yeah. Good merch. Yeah. Huh? Good merch. Oh, yeah. My mom's the oven that made this English muffin. It's kind of long for a t-shirt. No. You only do it in large or bigger. All right. Okay. This was fun.

Well... Dude. This is going eight different ways. You can make this Patreon only if you want. No, I think this is good stuff. There's something here. If the audience could stay with it, there's something here.

I challenge you. You guys, you take the, you take the lead. All right, all right. Well, it's good to see you. I'll answer some questions or you could ask me like questions about like, like, you know, whatever you do and then I'll like listen to what you guys have to say. All right, all right. Well, you like this Lizzo stuff? No.

Yeah, I'm not I'm not I don't care. Yeah, I don't care either. I care a little I mean I care about so little I know and that's what's an interesting thing when we're in a business about having strong points of view Yeah in order to be authentic. I'm being sincere in order to be authentic to find things that you actually care about Yeah, it's true. You know it's it's not the deepest well and to tell jokes or to write stuff about

That you care about. No, but that you don't care. Just because like, you know, we do this all the time. Right. And to come up with things or to talk about like, no. But you think you have to care about the thing to write a joke about it. I think that to write jokes about stuff I don't care about is so draining. And I felt myself resenting doing this. Is that why all your jokes are about raping children? I think he's just joking.

That's what you care about. I don't care about so much. Well, you don't care about them. But! I care about them, but I'm not doing anything to stop it. True. I mean, if I saw it happening, I was walking around, last time I was visiting here, I was in the city, and there was two kids

I'm making this age up a give or take two years between 10 and 12. Okay. And they were playing by the whatever that happened, you know, around zero. What's the tower called now? Freedom Tower. Freedom. And there's like a fountain by there. And they were playing in there with like the water and stuff. And they're running around. And they were black. And there was a. This is getting more dicey here. And they were black.

And there was an older white man who was taking videos of them. Yeah. And they never acknowledged each other. Kevin Spacey was there? Dude. All right. Bro. Dude, bro. And I waited, and I didn't want to go up and say something. Sure. Just because there's black kids and a white old person doesn't mean that they're not, you know, what did Maya Angelou say? Black kids and white older people go hand in hand? Yes. They make you feel. Right. But I was watching to make sure for a little bit, because like, is this inappropriate? Yeah.

but like, Oh no, they, I realized they were together because they had something in his bag. But I'm saying like, if there's something that's happening inappropriate, I'll, I'll, I'll try and do what I can. Would you have fought that guy? I,

I wasn't thinking I'd have fought, but I did have enough adrenaline in like I'm ready to go up and say what's going on here. Wow. Yeah. What if he said just fucking, I'll be the old man. You'd be two little kids running around playing water. And you'd be you and I'll be the old man. Yeah, and I'm just watching. But hold on. I have a question for you. It doesn't matter yet. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. I'm black. Woo. Oh, wait. Yeah. Let me do this. Hey.

We're playing in the water. Okay. I'm a little kid. Oh, yeah. That's good stuff. That'll do just fine. Yeah, that's me. That's the stuff right there. Oh, yeah. I'm black. Oh.

Oh, spank bang for later. For sure. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm in the middle of something. Is this your friend or person? This is my dad. Oh, this is your dad. Yeah. Absolutely. Pardon me. I was just looking because it felt a little inappropriate because you were saying, ooh, yeah, like that. Okay. How I fuck my kids is none of your business. Yeah, we like it. Shame on you. Yeah. Shame on you.

9-1-1. Oh, we got you there, Dad. Oh, man. You think they can stop me? I donate so much money to that precinct. I donate to their fucking ball, and I'm happy to help, too. But they're not going to do shit to me. They know this happens. That's how corrupt the fucking NYPD is. You're all right with this? I love it. He does it so well. That's why I'm in the fountain. I got to clean up. Yeah. All right.

Thank you for your concern. Please leave us alone. I'm going to take them back. And that would be about the extent. Yeah, yeah. But jokes aside, jokes aside, when you see stuff sometimes like – If you see something, say something. Yeah, and I have. What's going on here? You've done that? Yeah, not always like kid something, but if there's something that's inappropriate. I remember once – I mean the stakes are so much lower, but I hate smoking.

I know it's an opinion. Weed or cigarettes or what? Well, wait. So you do have opinions. I have opinions, but I'm saying if it's stuff that I don't... This is something I do care about. There you go. That's all you need. But stuff that I don't care about, like the Lizzo shit. No, I was just fucking around. But yeah, smoking, cigarettes, it's...

I mean, dude, it's not 98. Stop. Right. But if you're going to do it, do your thing, but not by me. Like, I'll be even with friends, and if we're walking, we're smoking a cigarette, I'll say, hey, I'll either go on the other side or ask them to switch hands and blow it away, or I'll just go, get the... It's gross. It smells. I hate it. Yeah. That being said...

That's your thing. Go do it. But there are certain boundaries that I feel should be universal. And I remember at the comedy store, there was a guy that was smoking and he was walking in and he took a hit right before he walked up the steps into the original room and he just threw the cigarette on the ground. On the floor? On the ground. Legend. And I went up to him. I said, excuse me. Oh, God. I said, I think you dropped your cigarette.

Like a little passive-aggressive, getting the benefit of the doubt for him to be like, oh, sorry. He goes, no, I meant to. I was done with it. I go, oh, the garbage is right there. And I'll tell you something. In the moment, I didn't feel the adrenaline and confrontational. But as soon as I said the garbage is right there, which I was being sincere, I was like, hey, man, it's right there. I got this adrenaline rush. And I'll tell you something. I liked it. And then right after that, Andrew Dice Clay beat the shit out of you. No, he said sorry and he picked up and he threw it away. Really? He did? Yeah.

But I wasn't going up to him being an asshole and being like, hey, fuck you. Or at least my intention at the time wasn't... Was he a big guy? He definitely was bigger than me. Wow, because you're pretty tall. I could be wrong, but I wasn't worried about thinking, this guy's going to punch me now. I also felt like...

He definitely hated you. He threw the cigarette away. I know, but he's cursing you in his head. You should have kept it going. You should have... Now kiss me. Yeah, where does it end? You should now kiss me, dude. See how far I can get. When I see people doing stuff that feels objectively wrong... Yeah. I...

I like getting into it. Really? Really. How many white supremacist marches have you stopped? But that's the thing. I'm not like going out of my way. It's not like this big moral thing where I'm like, I am, you know, Batman standing up for the people that need to and I'll be the bad guy. Yeah. Just if I see something, it's like, what the fuck are you? I was on the plane and somebody farted. It happens. But for 45 minutes, every like five or so minutes, it happened probably eight times. Yeah. Yeah.

And at a certain point, I'm like, what the fuck? And I know I handled that wrong. I know I handled it wrong, but I said, oh, what the fuck? Yeah. And the flight attendant came over and knew what I was talking about and brought spray. He goes, I'm so sorry. Whoa. Once this person leaves, I'll go in the bathroom. I go, it's not from the bathroom. It's one of these people. This is like a Knives Out movie right here. This is great. But like...

What are you doing? So like the motivation, you ever doing something and you're excited and then you lose motivation. Part of the crap is, well, you keep doing the joke anyway, or you keep writing the thing anyway. But like, that's part of the process. I don't feel that way with like this kind of shit. Once I'm no longer invested, I'm out. But in a moment when stop, stop doing that. Yeah. Well, the problem with the farting is you'll never get the culprit. It's an invisible crime. There are ways.

Are they? What, are you going to sniff everybody's crotch? You could. I guess. It was this person and the person in front of me. You knew it. I'll tell you how I knew that. Please. Because I can't be positive, but it was happening. It was so strong and on planes, like it doesn't smell as much a few seats back. Sure. Would you concede this? Have you noticed this before? Sure, yeah. It was one of these things and there was a lot of space between us. And when I said – and I looked over at these people, the other person – they could have been a great actor, but the other person was just going –

And they knew, and this person didn't acknowledge it, and they heard it. Oh. Also. Big guy? Fat? Just a regular looking dad. Okay, okay. A dad fart is a doozy. And the dad was holding a child who, again, I'm not good with ages, but we'll say, give or take a year, three. 38. And there's some turbulence, and the kid, I didn't see, but from the thing, uh,

fell on the ground. The dad of the kid? No, the kid fell on the ground. Jesus! And the kid was crying a little and picked him up. How old is this kid? Three. Maybe three. I mean, a toddler, I think. Three? Two. And then picked up the kid and then was like looking around and turned away like this. Hit the kid's, hit the head's kid on the thing. And I'm already thinking like, this guy, this is the flirt-er. This guy is unaware and inconsiderate. He doesn't care.

That's his own kid he would do that to. What would he do to you? I'll tell you what he would do to me. He would sit the fuck down. Take some IB guard because it was stinky. And when adrenaline goes up, I'm into like, I feel this way in the podcast sometimes. I've had some episodes where it gets a little confrontational. And it's like, great, go on. What would you do if the guy talks shit back to you?

Let's go a different way with that scene where Mark is my kid. Maybe he's not my kid in this scene. Let's try it one more time. Let's see what you would actually do here. All right. Can I ask a favor of you? Sure. Because I want to play this real. Could you not heighten as quickly? Of course. To be like, oh, I rate my son. It's like, all right, well then, what the fuck? Okay. Make it a little bit believable. I made a choice, and the fact that you can't accept that choice. I'm not your mom, dude. Oh!

What the fuck dude? What the fuck? Alright, he's not the farter. Play the music. Okay. Back off mom. Thank you. Back off. Alright. Uh oh. Pulling out the knife. I may not be your mother, but I am your biological father. Dada? And the reason I left your mother was because I felt judged. And I'm sorry that by leaving her...

I left you. I think about it every day. He doesn't have a mustache. Oh, because of you, though. You just carry a mustache with you. I'm a prop comic now. That was great. The fact you've been walking around New York City with that in your pocket is hilarious. What if I need to buy a fake ID? Yeah, good point. All right, go ahead. Do it. All right, so now... I don't know if you need to be a certain age to buy the fake ID. Based on no other... What was that? Never mind. No, I'm making myself look older. Because people who sell fake IDs, they want to make sure you're still of age. Right.

I thought there was a whole point of the fake ID. Unless you're a migrant. Yeah, it was just... I see. Sorry. Continue.

All right, so wait. The farting guy really got you. We want to take this one more time. One more time. Even you're rolling your eyes. One more time. One more time. Mark is now, in this scene, Mark is the black, playing the black child. Okay. I was built to play. Is not my son. Are you ready? Yeah, it was a son. It was a boy and a girl. It was two kids. Okay. But you were playing both the black boy and the black girl. Black kid. Okay, you ready? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good one right there.

I'm in the water. I'm all wet. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. You are wet. Sir, what's going on? Is this? I'm so sorry. I see you're feeling something. Are you guys together? I'm a photographer. And are you? I'm a little black kid. I'm just saying, do you have a problem with photography? I'm trying to. Do you know them?

Have you seen a photographer? They take pictures of things on the street. Do I know a building back there? Without their parents' permission, I'm going to... You got to stop doing that, man. Oh. No, I'm not. I'm going to get you now. Oh. Because you don't support the arts and you won't let me pursue my passion with the photography. Oh, bitch, you don't know me? Yeah. I'll get out of here. That's really fucked up, dude. Back off. Back... Officer!

This man won't let me photograph these black kids. Uh-oh, Popo's gone. Hey. New York's finest, baby. Wow. I got you good. You didn't know what to do. Yeah. You didn't know what to do. You guys ever auditioned for SNL? No, no. When you were first starting out, was that a thing that you thought you wanted to do? I would have taken anything. I would have loved to do Weekend Update at some point, but that's the only thing I would have done. Your mom would have liked that.

Well she would. Back off dude! Wow! Your mom would like that because you get to sit in a suit, you get to swirl scotch. Do you think your mom would like you better if you wore a suit on stage?

I'm still doing the same material, but that would probably class it up. Yeah. I don't know. I think the suit can look really cool. I mean, I'm producing Gary Veeder's special, and I got him a sick suit. Oh, you went mom on him. I went mom on him. I was like, because he does all one-liners, so I thought it would be a cool look for a one-liner comic. You know what you should do? It should be tight on him, the whole thing, but then the last 15 minutes, you reveal why, that he's just naked.

That's good, dude. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, tight on the face. Naked might be even better. I'm trying to find the pic of it. I see. Yeah, you could call it Gary Vader raw and uncensored. There you go. Bears all. Yeah. I can't find the picture. I'll find it later. I've seen it. He looks great in a suit. He looks cute. Yeah, there is suit confidence. I've gone on stage in a suit a few times when I was wearing a suit for something and then I had a show. Yeah. And there is something about suit confidence where, like,

If it weren't for me not wanting to wear a suit all the time, I would do it. Yeah, it looks good. It's annoying, dry cleaning and all that stuff. Also, like, do you wear the same... How many suits do you want me to have? Yeah. Right. But, like, there is something that they cast... The audience casts you as something that I feel is very beneficial where you could lean into the classy or you could be, you know, like, the antithesis of it. But either way, it serves a purpose. Yeah. Like, Stanhope will wear, like, funny...

and stuff, you know? Oh, yeah. He's got the zoot suit. It's a weird orange and patterns. We should start wearing suits on stage. Yeah. And you don't have to think about your outfit. You just pick the suit up, put it on. It looks good. Women, I think, really like a suit. Women love a suit. Is that true? Yeah. They did a poll, and it said the way women feel about a nice tailored suit is how men feel about lingerie.

Yeah, dude. You put that suit on, all the pussies are going to be wet at the Rick Glassman show, bro. I have to say, and I'm in a relationship, and I'm not even looking toward this, and I'm not even the funniest person in the world. I'm funniest. It doesn't matter. I have found that a lot of, and they tell me, girls usually do get wet during my shows. Oh, really? Yeah. What, do you put a towel down on all the seats, or how does that work? No, it's just, I have this bit I came up with where I smash a watermelon in the front. Oh, okay.

That's good stuff. Never heard of that. Yeah. You guys Gallagher fans? He had some good wordplay. I never got into it. He got a bad rap with the Sledge-o-matic and the hair and the hat and the whole thing. But his wordplay is pretty great. I mean, a clip went viral like a week ago. It already has like 20 million views.

And it's clever as shit. I mean, I don't know if it's your cup of jizz, but it is clever. I just remember before I was into comedy and I knew comedians. Like, as a kid, I knew Gallagher. Right, we all did. And I remember I used to think it was really funny. But I can't think of one joke. The bald with the long hair is such a bad look. It's a bad look. Russ Meneve used to have a great joke. You ever see a bald guy with a ponytail? It looks like all his hair got together and hung itself. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, I don't know if you're going to find the exact clip. It's all over YouTube, but some dweeb posted it, and it just went viral immediately because it still holds up. And I'm not saying it's the funniest shit ever. It's not N-Words versus black people. Who's the funniest comedian ever?

I don't know, Rodney maybe? I don't know. Dangerfield's hard to beat for me. He walks in the room and you're already smiling. Yeah, he's good. That scene in Easy Money when he's singing, It's just insane. He's just singing, but it's funny. I did a movie with an unbelievable Rodney impersonator. Oh, really? Unbelievable. Sounded like him, knew all of his jokes, and it just crushed. Wow. He was just crushing. Yeah.

Great jokes. Yeah, you're right. He walks in the room. It's funny because he's a fat, ugly guy who's confident and extremely happy. And that combination is... Is he ugly? What are you kidding? He's a ghoul. Look at the photo. Look at that. He's a wacky looking guy. I mean, he talks about it. Type in Rodney Dangerfield good looking picture. Look at that. He just looks like a guy to me. Well, he's no Adonis. He looks like a comedian. Good looking.

It looks all right. I mean, even there he looks like hell. He's a gargoyle. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, it was ugly. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. How does that make you feel? Bad. Makes you feel fucking bad. How long were you breastfeeding? Rodney in therapy.

He can't crack. How did it make me feel? You should have seen me last week. My doctor, Dr. Vinny from Butts. I asked for his second opinion. He said, hey, you're ugly too. If you had to do an SNL audition and do impressions, what would be your three impressions? You got to know Rodney. I don't do impressions. Who would you do? I did submit one, and if you want, I could send it to you to put it in. I did one where I did Jada Pink and Smith. What do you do? I go slap him.

When I get finished with y'all, 23 hour lockdown! Up in this beast, you never see the light! Who the fuck do you think you messing with? Police up in here, you just live here! Ain't got shit on me!

I did... You don't like to get wet, though, huh? Primo, Angel Dust, PCP, Training Day? Yeah, I did a different Training Day. Oh, okay. Okay, wow. I'm noticing a trend in some of your picks. Oh, okay, there we go. Raven. Raven. The big three. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Raven.

Do you do a good Denzel? I used to. I practice it a lot. I'll send it. We'll put a moment of it in. Pipe it in. Yeah. All right. Wow. That's a clay like James Adomian. He did great impressions of really kind of obscure people.

Yeah. Although those aren't too obscure, but Pinkett. It was good. All right. The Jada Pinkett was good. Hmm. I'd have to see it. Did you think, if you were to make it on here, were you planning on going blackface for the thing? I didn't put out blackface. You don't have to do blackface. But isn't it weird? When you do Rodney Dangerfield, you don't have to put on a suit. I know, but isn't it weird for just a white guy to come out and do Jada Pinkett? Yeah, I mean, they didn't book me. Did you shave your head? No. Okay. So it's just you, but you're doing her voice? Yeah.

Cut to the Jada Pickett Smith one now. Imagine if you'd gotten hired and then the Will Smith thing happened. They'd be like, thank God we hired this guy. We can pull him out of the closet and let him do this one thing he does. Everyone at home watching is like, that's not Jada Smith. Right, right. Yeah, but you don't have to make them believe you are that. It just has to be enough of a thing for them to believe that reality. And then...

you get to live in that ironic space. Right. But usually on SNL, they look like the person. Yeah, they throw the costume. Put a wig on me. Okay. All right. Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, you could put a wig on me. Lose the glasses. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, now I see it. Oh, yeah. Kind of a goose. Yeah. All right. What about you? What would your impressions be? Well, I just learned I could do RFK. That's one. That's good. Thank you. I could do Donald Duck. That's pretty good. You could do an elephant. Where do I sign? All right. Good stuff. All right. A couple animals. There's no animals on the cast, I've noticed. So somebody's got to do it.

How about an owl? These sketches are going to write themselves. Yeah, this is good stuff. You were a bird on mine once. I was a bird? Yeah.

Oh, wait, what was that? I don't remember, but, you know. You made me into a bird on your animation? Yeah, you said you wanted to do... I wanted to be a pigeon. Oh, it was a pigeon. We were talking about what animal I would be. One time Whitney said there should be like an animated show where I voice a pigeon. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, she's like, you should be like a pigeon talking about living in the city and complaining. Yeah, a grizzled New York pigeon. Yeah. I like that. What animal would you... Maybe, what, a ferret? What?

Let's throw some Warby Parkers on a ferret and we got it. Come on. That felt anti-Semitic. No, no. No, it didn't. That would be more of a rat. I guess they're both rodents. Hold on. What would you be? Maybe an otter. Otter? Yes. Gay with little hair. That's what gays call it. You're an otter in the gay world. An anteater? You know those restaurants where they're mean to you? Yes. I love those. Is that what it is?

You know what would be fun is to – the three of us to be waiters at that restaurant and you film it, hidden camera style, and see if – because those people, they do jokes and I don't know how good they are or how funny they are. But for us to go as hard as possible. It's personality-driven there. It's more sass. There's a burger place called Paul's and there's a waitress who's kind of like that. Oh, I remember Paul's. But it's supposed to be that? Yeah. No, it's not. But she's just kind of sassy. But it works. It's fun. It's fun.

But yeah, I love- But the dicks is the one where they're like, they're like, uh, they come to your table and they drop it down. They're like, hurry up and order. They're like, me? Yeah, yeah. But I'd love to do that where it's like, uh, hey, you know, here, order something for me. Hey! Both of you guys order something. I'm gonna get the milkshake and the cheeseburger. Okay. Oh, jeez. Fuck you! Oh, jeez, I didn't want the mayo. Wow. Oh, jeez. Oh, boy. You didn't take my order.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I your mommy? Am I your mommy?

There you go. Now he's coming. If this was six years ago, I would have, for the joke, I know I would have really hit and pushed and done stuff because I thought you guys would have thought it was funny. Yeah. And I'm really proud of myself for not really doing anything too aggressive there. You didn't hide? Wow, yeah. Good for you. Good stuff. We've grown up. I used to want to wrestle when kids would come over when I was younger.

You went too far. Yeah, they stopped coming over. I was that kid. You paralyzed a kid. No, but I would... Talk about it. Talk about the kid you killed. I did make a kid pass out in my basement. Really? We were wrestling. I put him in a chokehold.

And you made him pass out? Yeah, he passed out. And he was so scared because I know that was a thing. He just fell. Oh, my God. People were like, it's okay. He just passed out. And I was scared. And he woke up, I don't remember, like 20 seconds or 10 seconds later or something. Two years later and he was like, Mommy? Yeah, now that kid's in therapy. Yeah, maybe. But he was a really fast dribbler, I remember. Yeah? He would go real low and dribble real low. He was dribbling when you had choked him. Yeah. But... Why did you choke him out? I thought we were wrestling and that's what you do. And I...

You just wear wrestling. And we also... My brother really like... He got boxing gloves and... Uh-oh. They're boxing in the basement and like his older friends and some of them like to do it. But when I... You guys boxed? Used to love it. Really? That was fun. Yeah. We used to do that too. We did wrestling. No, we didn't box. Yeah. And then like...

lightsaber fights where I would ask them to choreograph a fight and they're like, I don't want to. And I was like, no, no, trust me, you'll have a good time. And they're like, alright. And then they didn't come over again. Ah, fuck you're up. That'll fuck up your childhood, but it sounds like you got a little rage in you there, Fatty.

No, it felt like... It's what I love about basketball so much. I think we talked about this once. Where like, I love being aggressive and playing that way. Like, it doesn't feel like anger. It feels like connection to me. Oh, interesting. Like talking shit. You know, like when you talk shit with somebody and you go harder and harder. Some people might be like, fuck you and like getting triggered. Or it's just like, it's a competitive, it's just...

I've always loved being physical and like, I just love it. But you were, you take it too far sometimes. That's what you said. I took it too far a fair amount of times. And you yelled at the guy on the airplane with the baby. I didn't yell at him. I just said, what the, what's, uh, what the fuck?

It was so bad. I nearly took it. I went after a woman behind me. It's air justice, I look at it. Air justice. What a movie. You have to be civilized when you're around other people. It's such a peeve of mine is...

you know, enclosed spaces and someone acts like it's their fucking home. Yeah. It's unacceptable. I would like you to have merch called Air Justice and it's a silhouette of you like this, but your posture is a little, you know, like this and you have, you know, your hair on it instead of the bald head. Yeah, I like it. I like it.

That's good. That's not a joke on your posture. It was more of a Jewish overall thing. I see. Whatever, dude. What did the person on the plane behind you do that made you... She was gabbing like it was... It happens a lot. People get drunk on a... I think I told this story already on the pod. I'll tell a short version. People, they act like it's their home. She was...

Apparently, I mean, she was going loud, like, ah, like scream laughing right behind my head. Was she watching something? No, she's talking to a guy who I thought they were like flirting, hitting it off. But turns out he was probably annoyed as fuck. Oh, I'm sure. She was like kind of a hot older woman stage mom, it turns out, which shocked her. How it turns out. I thought you were tweeting something about a stage mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because some guy...

Behind me, I guess, knew who I was and he saw my tweet where I was like, God, this fucking human behind me. And what he said, yeah? He wrote something like, Sam Morrell just told me to fuck off. And I said, no, I told the woman. I responded like, no, I was telling the woman sitting next to you to stop talking so loud. I was like, you know, it's pretty reasonable how I responded. I was like, miss, you got to keep it down. That's what I said. Good for you. Yeah. Would you be able to do that? No, no, not in a million years. I'd give her one of these.

Right, and hope that that satisfied you. Now, when you say that, are you nervous or you feel like I need to do this? I needed to, and everyone around me was giving me a look like, thanks. Oh, that's cool. We were on a flight once cross-country to Seattle. It was me, Gary Veeder, and Brian, who's my tour manager. And Brian has no fear talking shit to people. Veeder will do the same thing. There's a woman behind me.

And she won't, she's drunk. She gets cut off by the guy. She's, she's just screaming. And it's one of the things where I said it to the, I said to them and the guy, she's screaming to the point where I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up. It's insane. The, the people in the front were annoyed. And, uh,

He's like, "Miss, you've had too much to drink. I'm sorry, I can't give you any." Which, by the way, that's a sign, right? So then I turn around and I finally, she's screaming and both me and we're looking at each other like, I have noise canceling headphones on, I'm hearing you. So I go, "You gotta keep it down." And the guy gives me a look like, okay, but then at the same time, he goes, "We weren't being loud." And I go, "You were." And then he gives me one of these, I could see him bubbling with rage, furious that I just told him to keep it down.

Inconsiderate people have no idea. No idea. About what they're doing. So then. How do you get mad at that? But some people truly don't know. And I could tell you, I've been in, as I'm sure you can imagine, a fair amount of positions where people have said to me, hey, shh. Yeah. And my instinct is usually like, oh. That's what I've been. No, me too. But that's. My problem is not just that. It's the, then the afterwards. Because then she just keeps doing it. And then Gary realizes it's his turn. And he goes, lady, enough. Enough.

And then, Gary's another New York guy. He'll fucking do that. And then, and then Brian sees that we're losing it. And Brian's on the other side of her. So Brian, or, you know, the tour manager, Brian Hubbard, who I love, uh,

he gets annoyed with her. She kicks a bottle in his direction, like just no manners. And he goes, you're trash lady. You're trash. And it's going on now. And then of course she pulls the thing. He's sitting next to her. He's in, they're both aisle. So then he does the, uh, when, when we land finally, after we all fucking lose it on the flight attendants, like I'm so sorry. He hates her too. What are you going to do? I feel bad. He's got to deal with her. Yeah. So then we land. She has a thing like, do you guys hate me? Oh,

Now I do. It's like, what do you want out of this interaction? Yeah. What do you want from us? She wants you to not hate her. Yeah, play the music. Lead him in with, you guys hate me. Do you guys hate me?

I don't hate just you. I hate everything you represent. You're an inconsiderate twat. You probably had a horrible, horrible father. Bad mother too, I would guess. You never grew out of it. You never got the attention you seeked. That's why on a flight you're so loud that everyone around you has to hear the most mundane thoughts you think are interesting. So you drink yourself into a stupor. Nothing I like less than a drunk who can't handle their shit. Learn how to drink if you're gonna drink. Be a civilized fucking adult.

Don't ruin my flight, and don't make it so I can't watch the movie Tomcat starring Jerry O'Connor on this flight. Okay, well, I guess you do hate me then. Now I'm going to kill myself. Thanks a lot, comedian guy. Funny man causes death on Seattle flight. Air justice. Air justice.

Coming to CNN this fall. I had a peeve. I worked on a peeve. He's got a peeve. Any peeve? Any peeves? You guys have any peeves? That was intense. You know, my dad was talking to me the other day. I forgot you guys do this because he said I got a whole bunch of pet peeves. My dad, we podcast together sometimes. Really? Yeah.

And a fair amount, actually. Wow. And I was talking to him about they might want to move and get a place in California. And we're talking about money. I'm like, I'll give you my Patreon. And why don't you just do it? And he was like, I think maybe I want to do one where I just talk about all my pet peeves. Hey. So I don't remember what they were. But I'm going to get him on the horn. All right.

All right, Mr. Glassman. I've met him. He's a smooth, cool dude. Owns a rug store out in Cleveland. If you're looking for just the right flooring, you need choices. And at Marshall Carpet One, you'll find thousands of choices, including carpet, hardwood, rugs, and luxury vinyl. So make the right choice and visit Marshall Carpet One and Rug Gallery. And we promise, with more than 50 years as a family-owned business, we've got you covered!

I miss you so much already that I'm home and you're not here. I miss you too, but I was just at home. I'm on a podcast with one guy who has no relationship with his dad and the other one, his mom judges him. Sam Morrell and Mark Norman. Very different fathers. Hey, Mr. Glassman. Those two guys need no introduction even with this 70-year-old shoe. Oh, I love this guy. I wish you were my dad. Hands off, dude. Sorry, sorry. He's a dilf.

So they end their podcast all the time with pet peeves, and I know you have a whole bunch of them. Yeah, okay. Well, here's my lead. All right. All right. Here we go, guys. So...

You know when someone is on their phone or something and go, you got to see this. They want to show you a video. They want to show you an Instagram post. They want to show you a text, right? And they go, you got to see this. So, okay, I drop everything I'm doing and I go over to see it. And it takes them five minutes to find the fucking thing. That's a great one. Okay. I hate that. Great peeve. You got another one? We like that peeve. I love it, Dave. I'm going to go off his peeve for a second. I'm going off that for a second because I love that. I had a guy in the street...

Love when someone says you know hey, I love your comedy. Can I take a pic always happy to do it? Thank you here Yeah, but this guy is this is a classic thing. They can't figure out their fucking phone. How hard is it? I could figure out your phone. Yes What do I do you've never taken a picture I know I know you ever take someone else's phone to do it for him I've done it. Yeah, when they think I'm like oh give it to me, and I do the selfie wrong. Yeah, I

Yeah, the worst is when they gotta flip it around. They're like, how do I make it not look at that thing over there? Look at it me. And I'm like, just push the flip around button. It's right there. Look at this, Dad. We're part of the game now. Yeah, I know it. So here's another one. I love this. And you guys, you're in the city, so you don't drive that much, okay? But use your fucking turn signal. Yeah! Hear, hear. Okay.

Boy, these are great. That's what you're there for. I think you've got a podcast on your hands there, Mr. Glassie. Listen, guys, I'm moving to Palm Desert next year, and I need supplemental income in order to do it. Will you guys go on my dad's Patreon at some point? I will, yeah. I don't know where Palm Desert is. Well, you'll do it on the phone. I'll zoom in, pops. All right, Dad, you just got yourself some big guests on your Patreon. Those are big guests, and I'm ready for it. Thanks, dudes.

Thanks dudes! Thank you dad! Alright, bye bye. Oh, is there anything you want to plug? You got some dates? Any deals on the carpets? How about, here's the title, how about "What Chaps the Ass of Mr. Glass?" I like it. Oh yeah? What's the deal?

$9.95 a month. Yes! We must say that's an Amir joke that we do all the time. Oh, okay. I thought he came up with that. Bye. Oh, no, that's not an Amir joke. That's Frasier Smith. And we told that joke once with Amir. What's the joke? He goes, I'm really excited, guys. Things are going well. I just got a new deal with HBO.

And they applaud. Yeah, and then, you know. That's funny. You know, 20, whatever the month is. 29 a month. Yeah, that's good. That's good. All right. Yeah, Liam McEnany used to have a joke all back in the day where he'd say, I just signed a deal with Disney, and everyone would clap and go that I have to stay 500 feet from their parking lot. Ah, nice. Another misdirect. What did I have with that guy? I heard you got too close to Disney. There you go. Turns out that wasn't a joke.

Yeah, dude. Which is the name of my special. You got the puss in boots. Turns out there's no jokes. I don't know. I've seen a few of those. They're out there. I got another peeve if you guys are ready. Can I give another peeve? Yeah. I got a thing happening and this is summer New York so it'll happen frequently to conserve they conserve air conditioning in certain old New York buildings and they just conserve it so I'll just wake up covered in sweat like what the fuck and then they're like

I'll get an email the next day like, we had to conserve air just so it doesn't black out. Because these are like old units. But you're like, you know what? Conserving, it means I don't have air. Yeah. That means there's no air and I'm fucking sweating. Wow. In the middle of the night, too, when you're not expecting it. That's fucked up. Although I think. You're never expecting them in the middle of the night, do you, Mark? No. That's when they get you.

You know, the one good thing is I felt like I was coming down with something this weekend, and I feel like I sweated out. Oh. It's a good thing. Okay. That's a thing you're supposed to do when you're not feeling well. Sweat it out. That's why kids in sweatshops never get sick. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Those iPhones, they keep on a-pumpin'.

And Nikes. I don't think they get sick days. That's true, too. I don't think they're like, you know what? I'm not going to come in today. I think they probably... Yeah, they're coming in. See, that's another thing that, like, if I were walking around and then I saw...

Kids forcing being forced to do this type of work. I wish like I would need to do something I know it's half acted out right now marks the kit marks. I don't know I'll do it because you're great at act outs aren't playing they're working buddy. I so so you what's going on I'm the kid I'm using my little Chinese guy. Let's get my point out before this act. Okay, what I'm saying is but like knowing it's happening I'm not I'm still using iPhone. I'm not doing anything and

So, like, I think it's wrong and I would do something if it was in front of me. Sure. I think. Sure. But, like, knowing it's happening, it's like, I don't, like, if I saw Lizzo go up to another dancer. I don't care about Lizzo. Oh, boy. What I'm saying, if I saw it, if I were there and Lizzo goes up to somebody and grabs her tits and be like, dance, bitch. I would be like, Lizzo, what are you doing?

Yeah. But now I hear that it's happening. It's like, I don't know. It's not like I'm not in. It doesn't concern me right now. You're what we call a proximity activist. Yeah. It's got to be right in your vicinity. Yeah. So if you were alive in the 1940s and you read about the Holocaust, you wouldn't care. Okay. First of all, there's a difference between not caring and not doing anything about it. Okay. So you're saying you wouldn't do anything about the Holocaust. I would take people in, but I'm not enlisting.

Well, that would require travel. It's proximity. Yeah, I'm not, you know what? I better go take arms. No. But like... No legs? No legs.

But if you know if like if the Underground Railroad was happening around me and then the subway and people were like hey have you seen Patriot which by the way I rewatched the first I just rewatched it too. Holy shit. Now he's an anti-Semite I could get behind. Yeah. That is a movie man. This guy fucking likes What Women Want too. That's a turd of a film. That's right. That was our first argument. That's a great. Our first argument. I also like Nancy Meyers.

What Women Want is a solid rom-com. Eh. It's a solid rom-com. The premise is great. Every guy's wanting to know what a woman's thinking. I know what they're thinking. Damn. What's going on with that guy? Yeah, look at that mop and curls. But Patriot, when... Spoiler alert, kind of. When the...

something happens to one of his sons. Yeah. And then they grab Heath Ledger's character and they go, and he has to get his other two little boys and he goes, and we don't know who his character is yet. He's a badass. Yeah, and he fought like dirty. He fought like with axes and in the woods, not the straight up, you shoot, we shoot. Yeah. And he just went and they called him the ghost. Have you seen this movie? I haven't seen it. Bro, I'm on the plane watching it. I've seen it so many times and out loud I'm going, holy crap.

It's basically John Wick in colonial times. Yes. It's so good. It's fun to watch. It's a dude flick with history and axes. And he has his little boys like, listen, you follow your older brother, and his older brother's probably like 13. The younger one's like 10 or so. And you know, I'm not great with ages.

And then they go in the trees and they set the guns and he goes and they're doing the throw in the air. And then the kids, there was just this dad, they don't know anything about him. And then they see him just like fucking go into town and there's the blood is coming up and they're just, and then just the shot. He's going nuts. And cause one of his kids just spoiler alert, got shot and killed. And you never saw this in him. And then you just see all the sons, including the adult one that just like they never seen this before. And it's just goosebumps right now. You just see them like this. R.L. Stine.

Like they can't believe what just happened. Well, this is you. If one more fart happens on a JetBlue flight, you're going full Gibson on someone's ass with two axes, body spray. What I'm saying is like if there's soldiers coming around here and like people need protection, there's a decent chance I'm going to be at least you could hide in here. Yeah. But I'm not taking a flight. I get it. Yeah, I was just trying to bait you. I wouldn't either. Well, you're a masturbator. I'll tell you that. Yes.

That was a great rant there, too. And we got a pro Gibson Jew over here, which is rare. Well, pro Patreon, pro What Women Want, and pro Daddy's Home 2. And pro Payne. Yeah. Do you like Beavis and Butthead? What's that guy's name? Beavis. No. Butthead. You know the guy that did... Mike Judge? Mike Judge. Yeah, but the King of the Hill of Men. Oh, Hank Hill. Did you guys see Daddy's Home 2? No. Is it good? No.

what is this? The thumbs down edition of Siskel? You're giving us all these horseshit movies. Horseshit movies? Have you seen it? Daddy's Home 2? No, I didn't see the first one. I couldn't understand the second one. Comment in here, only if you've seen it. Daddy's Home 2 with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh, I thought it was... I'm thinking of Boss Baby.

No, it's legitimately a really long... He thought he was plugging Boss Baby on here. Oh, it's another Gibson. John Lithgow and Mel Gibson play the parents of Walt. That's a great guy. A guy who goes on Adult Podcast. You ever seen Boss Baby 2? No.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's actually a fun podcast just around Boss Baby, and when he goes on other podcasts, that's all he talks about. Kobe Bryant's in this? Welcome to the Boss Baby cast here, guys. It's legitimately very, very funny. Why did no one talk about it? Great cast. It's great. It's a great movie. Go to Hit the Rotten Tomatoes. Who's in the first one? I'm curious. I want the audience score. Wahlberg and Will Ferrell. Okay, got it. I'm telling you, Kobe Bryant. Go down. There he is. Go up.

Yeah, you're right. Kobe Bryant. Pull up the Rotten Tomatoes. Bill Burr. I don't remember any of that. Bill Burr's in it. Yeah, Bill Burr's played a patron in a movie theater. Oh, what a cast. Liz Gow's great. Thumbs down on me just because you haven't heard of it yet. It's got a fat 21% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, a lot of comedies. Go to the audience score. That's what I want to know.

75%? 75% by the audience. That's pretty good. That's a C+. 51%. Hey! Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. John Cena. I'm telling you, this movie is very funny. Maybe I'll give it a shot. All right, we'll give it a shot. I'm on a plane tomorrow. What do you think? Oh, shit. He liked the first one. Be honest. If he wasn't here, if I just said before he built it up like this, I was like, what do you think of Daddy's Home 2? What would you say? Really? What do you think of Patriot? You know who's never heard Daddy's Home?

Do you have a pet peeve you want to get out or no? No, we gotta go. This has been... We got places to be. We're rocking, buddy. I got a show in 50 minutes. Where's your show? New York Comedy Club. Oh, fuck that. It takes 10 minutes to get there. All right, well, I'd like to prepare. Oh, there it is. We got the trailer. Oh, that's pretty good. All right, I'm in. That's all I needed. I'm sold. Oh, thank you.

Collect all five. I look pretty cool as Venom here. Yeah, that's a good pick. Nice. I got the abs. I got a little guy on my shoulder. Who's that guy? I always have a goblin in every card because that's my mascot. Oh, fun. So the goblin takes on different forms.

Okay. Are these, so I get one of each? Yeah. Same. Thank you. If you want, if you like these, not many people are collectors. I am, but if you are, I'll be happy to send you a set. They're very, they're all very cool. All right. All right. But we just had the Workaholics. They're all fantastic four. It's awesome. Oh, fun. Who's the invisible woman? Um,

Adam Devine. No, he's the thing. He was on Theo's pod. It was a great listen. Yeah, I was listening to a clip. He said Marvel movies killed the... Oh, yeah, that's great. Killed comedies. Let me see.

And if you swipe, you can see the card version. Oh, yeah, right there. Wow. Look at the top one where you see all of them together. Well, that's pretty cool. Aren't those cool? Very cool. You got Elon Musk in the bottom right. That's not bad. Does look like Elon Musk. Oh, yeah. All right, boys. All right. Plug some stuff, man. Oh, I thought we were done.

What do you got to plug? Just take your shoes off podcast or my Instagram, Rick Glassman, whatever. Great pod. One of the most fun pods. That's cool. Oh, Santino looks great. I love that. Yeah, Sabretooth and Toad. Go to the full picture of it. Isn't that cool? Oh, my God. Scott Hepburn draws these. He's a Marvel illustrator. He's fucking incredible. Wow. All right, Hepburn. Oh, Eric Greber looks great. I did a...

Oh, that's perfect. Go back to Vegas Dads. Click that one. That's my dad and my cousin Teddy and Uncle Bob and stuff. Made of Dragon Ball Z guys. That's what your dad does look like. Wow, they captured it. Cool, right? Very cool. Anyway, thanks for having me. I'm sure you guys will leave a lot of this in, so thanks to the audience for your patience. For those of you who finished, we had a lot of downbeats, but I'll tell you something. Yeah.

I only see you guys when we do this stuff. I would love to see you more. Well, hit me up, man. Pleasure doing business. I'll be going to get some pastrami sandwiches, coming to the city once or twice a week to get a sandwich. I'll let you know if you're in town. Please. I would love to get a sandwich with you. Yeah, man. The edits on your pod are incredible. Like the edits on my pod, you should check out Sarge's Deli. Ooh.

A lot of people are at Cat's Deli in New York. Sarge's is good. Mark and I have been to Sarge's together. Sarge's is my favorite pastrami in the city. Okay. Really? Yeah. You go brown mustard? I don't do mustard. You know what I do? I get a potato pancake and I dip it in applesauce. Oh. The whole thing. Come on. It's fucking weird, dude. I got, you know, I got my dorks. That's fucked up. But I'll tell you something. What the fuck? I take a green pill when I'm doing that. You better believe it. Yeah.

You better take a blue pill if you ever want to see your dick get hard again after eating that food right there. Don't take a red pill. It'll be on Andrew Tate's pod. You guys are really good at what you do. Oh, come on. Well, I'm off the pill. You know, let me tell you something your mother has never told you. Oh, God. I wouldn't do what you do because that's not who I am, but I really respect what you do. No, she does. I was fucking around.

She's very good. She's a fan. She comes to shows. I did a thing during the pandemic where I would bounce bits by. Those are actually hers. She took them out. I'm not going to get the feeling when they're inside her, so I just get my fix in now. Is that real? You got your mom a breast? Bought my mom some titties. What was the most expensive thing you bought a member of your family? Geez, I don't know. I gave my brother a kidney.

Is that real? Well, actually, I fucked that up. I took his kid. Wait a minute. This is a completely different thing. What are you doing with a kid? You like this? You check out more episodes of Are We Drunk? Next week we have on comedian...

We might be drunk. We have a comedian, Bill Bellamy. When is this? Bethlehem in York, Pennsylvania this weekend. I got Toronto, JFL, September 21st, Chicago Theater, September 30th, Phoenix, fucking all over the place. And you had just played over Madison Square. How'd that go? That's November. Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. Wait, when are you in Cleveland?

That's a dumb turf. I'll be there. Where are you playing? The Mimi Ohio Theater. Mimi. I'm so narcissistic. Mimi, Mimi, Mimi. Do you know that venue? I don't, but I'm sure. Cleveland, uh...

After New York is the biggest theater, because Broadway's first stop when they tour is Cleveland. It's a very big theater district. I went to see a show there once. They have really old, beautiful, cool theaters. So I'm not sure which one that is, but I bet you it's awesome. God, what did I see there? It was like a long time ago. I was just playing Hilarities this past weekend, and I don't remember who it was, but somebody there said that they love you there, and they want you to come back, but I think he's too big to do that now. You can pop in for a night. I might pop in. I love...

Nick and Sam and everyone at Hilarity. Good Eggs over there. It's one of the best clubs in the country. Great, great food. Great, just going to say, great food. And they're not shy about giving it away either. They're great, yeah, they're great dudes. There's your Broadway for you. It's just a classic, it's a classic club. Yeah. It's like, they just care. That's cool, man. That's so cool that you guys play theaters. And the big one is the MSG Theater, November 4th, New York City, motherfuckers. Come out.

We'll see you all in hell. I'll be in Europe when this comes out. So come out Lisbon, Dublin, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Glasgow, Berlin, Manchester, London, Birmingham, Antwerp. Come on. It's going to be a whopper. Say hello. Queef it up. I'm coming to D.C. Hershey.

What else we got? Cincinnati, Louisville, Chesterville, Missouri, Springfield, Missouri. All kinds of fun stuff. Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland, Providence, Cleveland. Where are you in Cleveland? Where am I in Cleveland? The Agora. Ooh.

Ooh. I've been there before. It's fun. Denver, Denver, Denver, Grand Rapids, Grand Junction, Mobile, Alabama, NOLA, hello, Sacramento, Santa Rosa, Omaha. How much new do you think from nodding the special you're on? Right now, I got about 25. Wait, what was the question?

Like he just had a special come out. Yeah, but what did you ask? How much is brand new from the show? Meaning the show that you're doing now. Yeah. But this is September, so I bet I'll have $35, $40 by then. Oh, yeah. But is the other $20, $25 from your special? Brand new. Yeah. So I'm confused what you're asking. I was asking like how much brand new stuff. Isn't it all new?

Well, no, you gotta lean on the old shit for a second. I mean, he just said it won't come out. What I'm saying is, you're still doing a half hour of the stuff that was on your special? No, I've been riffing, crowd working. Yeah, that's new. It's not great. I have jokes, but they're not... I remember you told me that last time we did this. Yeah. People saw you like, oh, that's... And you're like, get the process! I know, it's not... I hate it. I like to go out and kill it. That's the thing. You gotta keep... I mean, I'm thinking about... I was gonna tape...

Like January, February, and I just pushed my next special taping to March, I think. There you go. Where are you doing it? Boston. Wilbur? Yeah, that's where I'm going to do it. Smart. Hold on. Oh, it was a wife-girlfriend fart. Sorry. All right, well, that's a good way to end it. Love you, Rick. Rick, you're the man.