Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir
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I'm on Jonah Hillside, by the way. That's how we're starting the episode. I think he's a cleef. He's like, I have boundaries. I would never hang out with a guy like that. You would hang out with him. Shut up.

You wouldn't hang out with Jonah Hill? Well, I don't know. You'd hang out with Matt Ruby. I wouldn't date him. Come on. All right, Ruby's got some bad hats. I wouldn't hang out with him. I mean, I'd hang out with him, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I mean, look at this. He's dressing like his girlfriend. Got long hair. I don't know. The whole thing sucks. Yeah, but I bet he's, you know. I'm sure he's fine. I bet he's on drugs or something to be that thin now. I hope he's all right. The drugs I like. Now we're getting somewhere.

Great comic actor. Is there a better- Great comic actor. Is there, in the last 10 years, a better comic actor? Yes. In big screen movies? Well, what about Will Ferrell? In the last 10 years. Will Ferrell's run, he's great, but his run is the early aughts. I see, I see. I mean, that run of Talladega, Elf- Yeah, old school. Anchorman, old school, Step Brothers. That was like the other guys. I feel like that was all-

The early aughts to like around 2010 or something? Yeah. What do we have? We have Wolf of Wall Street. He's funny in that. Oh, he kills that. 21 and 22 Jump Street cured anti-Semitism. That's true. Yes, that's right. Kanye loves him. So I'm all for the acting. I'm all for the funny. But the texts were just like cringy to me. It's all... Look, no one should...

But you don't want to see my text with my lady, too. That's weird as well. Exactly. No one's text should see the light of day. I feel like... No. Unless...

You know, I mean, I don't know. Once you're in a relationship, I feel like that's a weird, out of context text. Like what he wrote isn't great, obviously, but also. Out of context. We got something. Ooh, context. Context. Yeah. Okay. Comic-Con. But it's. Con artist. All right. Thanks for that. That was helpful. Trying to get somewhere. He's like, wordplay. Let me see what I can do here. Chili con queso. All right.

No, it's whatever. This is a dated story anyway we're talking about, but I think— But you don't leak text. That's a violation of trust. You put it public. I mean, she should be in trouble for that as well. This wasn't a Mel Gibson voicemail. Yes, exactly. This was, I don't like—well, it's like, guess what? If you don't like that, you don't have to date the person, and she doesn't have to date you. It's just weird, I guess, to date a surfer and not want her to post—

Swimsuit photos, right? Well, that was crazy. I think he's just like, hey, don't show your ass. But she's in a swimsuit all day long. He's like, I know, but if she's at the club showing her ass, it's a little different. I don't know. I would never text my lady that. It's all weird. But I just hate how we can't have two bad people. Everything is so absolute. He's the bad guy. She's the bad guy. No, they both suck.

Two things can be true. Yeah, I think also the timing was a little questionable. Like, it did come off like she's maybe not over him. Yeah, a little bitter. Like, he moved on, has a family. Didn't they just have a baby? She didn't like that. So I think sometimes maybe that you're like, well, he's not good.

It's tough when it's a famous person you date because the public perception is so positive. So that's probably hard to process a breakup when you have all these negative feelings. Of course, of course. But it doesn't excuse the... Not at all. I'm saying I'm trying to understand. Yeah, yeah. It's good to understand. But he sucks. She sucks. They all suck. They deserve each other. I like him. I like Jonah Hill. I like him too. I'm trying to make it look like I'm less attacking the ladies. Because they're allowed to attack men without any...

repercussion, but if you attack a lady, you have to have all these consolations. Social media went back. There are two sides. There are, there are John Hill defenders. I don't think, but you know, that's what happens when you, when you bring the flames on someone, some of the flames are going to come back on you. You got that right. There's something really annoying about Twitter now. Like, I feel like when it started, it was, uh,

Funny. It was just jokes and wordplay and like dead baby jokes and rape jokes. And now it's literally, now it's people, the minute people realized outrage was currency on Twitter. Yeah, yeah. And outrage performs like, I don't know how many percent better, but way more. It's like, well, that's what it all became. It just, it went from like everyone being like, ba-doom, boom, to like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, well, that's a shitty place to be. You wouldn't want to hang out with that person. But then all day you're just like, crying, crying, wah, wah. Okay. Yeah, I completely agree. But we do it with everything. You know, you go, oh, did you hear what Trump said? It was so funny. Oh, you're all right now. I'm like, it was a funny line. I don't know. I still think he's a psycho. It was a funny. Why can't we have nuance? You know, and that's what this does. Like, he's a piece of shit. He's a woman hater. He's a misogynist. Like, he's texting his girlfriend. I don't know.

Yeah, no one knows. Come on. That's why you usually solve it with each other, but when someone's famous...

True. People become obsessive with this shit. They become obsessed. So are you careful with your text now? Like anything you write? No. Like when I write something, I'm like, no? All N-word. No, no. I mean, I... That was just to me. I mean, if you look, it's just my wife showing me her clam. It's a tit shot. It's me. Is this joke funny? She's like, this is appalling. You know, it's wild. Our text chain is wild. And if she ever leaked it, I'd be crushed just because it's like a...

It's a violation of what we have. That's going to be one hell of a divorce. Oh, the fucking eh, eh, eh. When that comes out in the courtroom. Cut to Mark ripping up the prenup. All right, take it. Take everything. Please. Just don't release those. No, yeah, I've definitely... Look, we've all written shit we're not proud of in a relationship. Let's... Come on. That's what Texas... Both sides. Come on. It's... There's bad people on both sides. Hear, hear. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, so... I forgot our original point, but...

Yeah, it's tough when it's a situation like this that probably did have nuance. Yes! As opposed to like a Chris Brown situation where she's just covered in bruises and you're like, okay, pretty much open and shut case right here, right? I don't know what she'd say. That's true. No, no, I'm just kidding. That is true. We didn't get to the bottom of that. Yeah, no, I agree. I'm with you on that. Yeah, she couldn't even open one eye. And people still go on his shows.

So let's be a little easier on old Hill Dog. There you go. All right. And then was that... Oh, Lizzo is how we got started on this. Oh, yeah. We were talking off-camera about Lizzo. Yeah. Yeah, I was telling my wife. I was like, why am I delighting in this cancellation so much? Because I hate cancellation. But I was like, what is it that I like? And she was like, well, you know, you don't like fat people. And I was like, it can't just be that. It's got to be more than that. And I think I figured it out last night. And I think it's that...

She's up on Mount Pius and people put her up there. - It's the only mountain she's hiked. - I thought she was the mountain. All right. - And she's up there with inclusion and diversity and-- - Body positivity. - Body positivity and everything. And then if you don't go along with that sermon, then you're the bigot. - Right. - And you're the asshole. - Right. - And you're the bully.

Meanwhile, the whole time, she was the asshole. There you go. She was the bully and making me feel bad about it. Yeah, yeah, of course. But this is how it goes. This shit can't last because humans are human and we're all flawed. No one's perfect. We think because you point a finger at one guy, now you're off the hook. But you're still a piece of shit too. It's like when I do a dark joke, people go, you're an asshole. I'm like, you've never had a dark thought? I just said mine out loud. Yeah. Am I really the only psycho in America? No. And also, also.

Yeah, I mean, it's madness. But also with Lizzo, I mean, I remember talking to a comic once who had this big New York Times write-up saying what a genius he was. And I called him. I was like, man, that's so cool. And he was like, I fucking hate it. Because he's like, that's when they come for you. That's when they'll start calling me a hack, is what he was saying. He's like, when they lift me up like this. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. I mean, people love to lift people up. Not Lizzo. But no, they do love to lift her up and talk about, you know...

It also is the same people that lift her up that are the ones bringing her down right now. That's how it goes. It's going to come for you. This shit comes for you. So stop coming for others, you cunts. Well, she is an interesting one because she, you're right, she's like a body positivity thing. And there's this weird thing now where like the liberals are obsessed with

Body positivity. And sure, it's good to accept yourself. That's good. But at the same time, now you see articles. I forgot which publication it was, but they were like, why is the far right so obsessed with fitness? I'm like, health is a partisan issue now? Why can't

Why are you... There's a lot to go after the far right for. You're going after exercise? I know. Again, with the absolutes. It's all or nothing. If you're healthy, you're all right. If you're fat, you're liberal. It's so stupid. There's nuance. Some people are chubby, like you. You know? You're a centrist. Okay, but...

You're not even that chubby. Sorry. I couldn't go to Matt. But, you know, it's these absolutes. You know, you got to go all the way here. This is alt-right. So this must be white is bad. Black is good. That's so stupid. And it's childish and it's ignorant. And we got to have this actor because he's Chinese. You're like, what? That's a little offensive. None of it makes sense. It's all going to come crumbling down and I can't wait for it. And I'm not going to forget who pointed fingers.

Yeah, man. Well, it's also just like it's funny how quickly you see the fatigue of the mob. Oh, the fatigue. Where they go from Jonah Hill and then it's like give it a new cycle. Right, right. And then they find the next one. And by the time this podcast comes out, it'll be a new person. It won't be Lizzo anymore. And people will forgive her and she'll, you know –

She won't make her new dancers walk to Brooklyn to get a slice of cheesecake. I think that was the accusation. Somebody needs to be walking. But...

Also, this is where I get in trouble. Sorry, everybody. Get ready to hit the edit button. But everybody preaches compassion and, hey, you call somebody trans or whatever and they go, hey, that's insensitive, blah, blah, blah. You know what else is insensitive? Trying to ruin someone's life and take their livelihood away and smear their name and ruin their reputation. That's insanely – I'd rather be called a hack or a homo or whatever. Come at me with the insults. It's fine.

That's fine, but if you try to ruin someone's life because they're a sexist or racist or whatever and you don't even know the facts, that's shitty, too. What's interesting is what Mark is saying is... Please translate. Well, yeah. First off, no one's offended by being called trans. You know, I didn't want to say the real word. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I know what you mean. Transmission fluid. That's offensive. Yeah. A man's mission fluid. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, but I know what you mean. As kids, we were taught to use our words, right? Oh, good point. And now words have taken on another level with social media and how much you're going to... You settle things with your words. You're like, Mom, I didn't fight. I settled things with my words. And she's like, good job. Okay, you grow up. How do you settle things? I smeared someone and ruined their life. Right. Well, those were words. Right. You know what I mean? I think about this, too. I was trying to do a bit about this last night about how...

you know, Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg want to fight and how it's so childish that these two billionaires just want to like fight each other. But then they're like, it's for charity. And everyone's like, all right, it is for the veterans, I guess, you know? And I was thinking like how long before kids catch on to this, they're just wailing on a kid outside the classroom and the teachers try to break it up. They're like, this is for St. Jude's Children's Hospital. We're trying to raise money here. Right. But it's like, it is interesting to me that like, you know, words,

That's what we were taught, but there wasn't like guidance. It's kind of like being told you can be whatever you want. There weren't like guidelines or like use your words, but words, sticks and stones. Sticks and stones. Everybody knew that limerick thing.

Yeah, it's not good. And then the worst part is they use the under the guise of, hey, let's call this guy a racist and then we can fuck him over and we won't be in trouble, even though we're lying about what he did. We won't be in trouble because we're stopping racism. So now you're using an important movement for your own personal gain, which is doubly shitty. You get mad at a guy making a black guy joke, but now you're using this...

this cause to get rid of a guy. It is all about them. That is way worse than the black joke originally. And they know it. But it all began when outrage became currency. It began when we started rewarding people going, look at this. When that started getting 200 retweets each time or more, going viral, that's when it was...

Exactly. And what I don't get is like when Amber Heard says Johnny Depp beat her up and then it proves in court that she hired a makeup artist, she hired a bunch of people to lie for, he never did it. He had to go through hell and pay millions of dollars in legal fees and be publicly shamed and all this shit.

And then it comes out that she lied. Why aren't the women coming after her? Hey, look at this twat lying. That hurts the movement too. So get mad at her. Yeah. Then I went to see his band and it felt like an assault on my ears. So it's, you know, uh,

But yeah, you see my point. Would you still hit it though, Amber Heard? Of course. Yeah, me too. I'd hit her. Yeah. Joking. But yeah, I don't know. It's all a bummer and I think the fatigue is real and I think we're going to look back on these times and go, ooh, that was wild. Because you know, you ever see Game of Thrones? I never watched it actually. It's not my cup either, but I watched it during the pandemic. I heard it's good. It's good. It's well done. It's got something for everybody. Yeah. But I hate dragons and all that. So, yeah.

There's one scene where the big queen, she's like a hot blonde lady, rich, powerful queen of the whole land. She basically gets canceled. They find out she did something wrong. She has to walk through the town naked and everybody's throwing tomatoes at her. It's kind of like the stocks. Remember the stocks? Yeah, yeah. And people are throwing shit on her and jizz on her and all this stuff. And the truth, they really did. You saw it. Yeah. And it's basically her getting canceled and you're like...

You guys think you're high and mighty because she fucked up, but you're throwing jizz on a lady. And that's the same shit. You're just getting off on throwing shit on a person. And it's not because of justice. You're just excited about, oh, we get to fuck over the queen.

I'm a peasant. And now I'm fucking over the queen, you know? And it's, it's misplaced rage. Yes. You're not working on stuff. Translate. I need you here. Cause otherwise I just sound like a fucking weirdo on a lawn. No, I mean, we see it all the time. It's, you know, you see it in the street in New York. You just see misplaced, like someone just snaps to someone on the subway and you're like, that wasn't about her. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But that's everywhere. But people do it way more behind a keyboard. With Jonah Hill. Like that wasn't, those releasing the tweets wasn't about the tweets. It was like, let's fuck this guy. It's cowardly to do that to somebody when you know there's going to be no repercussions for you. And that's like a scenario where that happens. The tweeting where, you know, they never go back at that person. Well, let's look into this person's life. Right.

right because so often those people have skeletons of course we've talked about this before whatever but you know i got to tell you did i send you oh you got the clip we can't we can't show this so can we don't don't show people know what i'm talking about that's the queen they shaved her head like that that's literally poo throwing at her she's crying so i would rather go through this than get online

This is, it ends, you know, the shit online. What happens to her afterwards? Does she just go back to being queen? I think she does actually. Now she has to face parliament or whatever the hell, but it's a hell of a scene and it's worth a watch. I heard I should watch it. It's well done. J R R hard R Tolkien. I think that's it. Yeah. Why is it?

Lord of the Rings. Oh, Martin. Martin. I think there's a couple R's in there. George R. Martin. There's an R. All right. What are we, pirates? All right. But check it out. It's pretty good. People liked it.

All right, we got that out. I had a day, man. I got here like 30 minutes early because of the damn construction in my building. I shit you not, I think I sent you a clip of what this looks like. This has been 10 months. It is taking all the strength I have not to write very bad words to the building manager. Look at this. Outside my window. Play it. Oh, jeez. You got the blue tarp going like Katrina. Oh, my lord. That's my window. It's been almost a year.

This is comical. I didn't know it was this bad. It's insane. I mean, this is like the Malaysian miners trying to get out of the mountain here. This is crazy. Oh, my God. You can feel the vibration. Dude, my apartment is vibrating. And here's the best part. They're doing it on all sides of my apartment. So there's no room I can go in to get away. So I just can't be. So this is the best part. I go outside today to just get it. I'm like, all right, let me just get out of my.

The plumber stood me up today. I had a great thing. The plumber's supposed to come by. And it's such a New York story already. The plumber stands me up. You got ghosted by a plumber? Well, here's the best part. My building's like, this is who we use. So you should use them because they know the building. I was like, all right, fine. So I swear to God, I looked them up. We can look up the reviews. It's like...

30 straight one star reviews. Literally everyone is like, you know, they did a bad job on my plumbing. The next one's like, they raped my mother. I'm like, this is a bad plumber. But that's my choice, I guess. So they stand me up. I call. I was like, you're supposed to be here. They're like, nope.

And I was like, nope. Wow, nope. And she goes, you never confirmed. And I was like, the guy said, yeah, we'll be here Monday at 9. Yeah. And she goes, you have to confirm. I'm like, he didn't say anything about confirming. He said I'm in the books. And they were like, sorry. Oh, wow. I was like, all right, whatever. So I go out. I take a walk to get out of this noise. This is bananas. Oh, and they keep telling me it's going to end.

Yeah, enough. People are listening to this, Matt. Jesus Christ. I'm telling you how insufferable it is. And he's like, let me play it for a fourth time here. This is like Oppenheimer at IMAX. That was not as loud as this. Oh my God. It's awful. It's like robotics. So then, so then I, uh, we're going to get comments like, shut the fuck up. Uh, so I go outside to get a coffee. I'm like, I'll just chill for a minute, you know? And, uh,

And immediately a crazy guy walks up to a woman and he's just like – I don't know. He clearly tweaked that. I've seen him in the neighborhood before. He has not improved since I've seen him last. Goes up to a woman with a little dog. He goes, fuck you. Fuck your shitty dog. And she's like a pretty cool New York girl where she's kind of just like rolling her eyes. But he's in her face. So I like walk up next to her just to make sure.

You know, like he doesn't swing on her or something. So we just kind of walk up and I'm like, this is crazy. Then he walks up to some other guy and he goes, fuck you. Fuck your mother. And I'm like, this dude is a lot. All right. All right. Whatever. He kind of walks away. Same spot. Something about the spot. I mean, I guess another guy walks up to me. He does a thing where he's like, goes at someone, goes by my book.

What? There's no pitch. We don't know what the book's about. The same guy? No, a different guy. Oh, I'd rather than the fuck you guy than buy my book. No, this guy, I don't think the other guy is published. But he just goes up, buy my book. And everyone's just like, no, I'm sorry. And he's like, buy my book. And I could tell he's coming to me. So I, you know, I, I turn my chair, I put my hat down and I have my noise canceling headphones on, you know, clearly inviting a conversation. He comes over to me, goes, buy my book. And I'm just like, I'm good. And he goes, fucker.

I don't know the path to be an author. I don't think this is it. That wasn't R. Tolkien? Jesus. Wow. So that's why I'm here early today. I was like, you know what? Let me just get out of the neighborhood. And I'm in a good neighborhood. It's like a great neighborhood for a crazy person. Yes. That book guy's a bit. Maybe. Buy my book, yeah.

It's like the Jay Sherman thing. Buy my book. Remember that? Yeah. Wow. You got to go on Amazon and leave a review about that guy. Oh, my God. No, dude, it was a morning. But I'm like, also, it's like, you know, New York, you're used to that, but you're just it's like it's like that comic. Oh, you got it.

The best shit. The most underrated. If you think of one show that got prematurely canceled, it's all day. Ah, the best. The best. And a smart show. The references, they go back to like Orson Welles and, you know, fucking Citizen Kane and all that shit. But wow. Buy my book.

Oh, it's brutal. But I'm so happy to be here. I was like, I can't wait for this pod today because holy shit. Man, well, yeah, get it all out. This is New York. It's so funny. I had the opposite night. I had a tough flight connection, barely made it from Des Moines. It was a whole thing. Finally made it home. You hit wall-to-wall traffic. There's a

Tanker truck flipped over on the I-9 or whatever, so you got to take the back roads from Newark. Brutal. Took me like an hour and a half to get home from the airport. Finally get there, and I made a cocktail and put it in a Starbucks cup just so I wouldn't look like a weirdo. And I just, the lady's out of town, and I said, let me walk around the city. I walked around the village. This was last night? Last night. Beautiful night. It was nice. Cool, crisp air. It was nice.

Every restaurant was full. I'm walking down Perry, Charles, Bleeker, just glasses clinking, people laughing, good-looking people everywhere. Went down to the water, had a great time, cut to, buy my book. That is a nice thing. That's a good rec is to put a little drink in a different container, take a stroll. Oh, yeah. It had music going. It was great. Can you tell us about that night where you had something to think about and you just went out for a walk?

You sat on a bench in Manhattan. Oh, yeah, sure. So I got I was having some problems with the lady, you know, marital strife. And we have. It's tough. We had a blowout for all blowouts, like blow out plates, throw it. I'm sure the neighbors called the cops like just and everything came out. Everything. This is what I hate about you. I could live in your building with that noise. That's nothing compared to this. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God. That is wild. It's like Darth Vader coming. I don't know what that is. It's too much. But so we just had it out and it was like too much was said, like too much honesty. And so I think it's a men and women thing where she's like, all right, let's talk. And I said, I'm leaving. I got to take a walk. And

And here's a weird thing. I walked outside. I'm on 6th Avenue. It's like 4 in the morning. We've been fighting for hours. You know one of those where it's like you change rooms fighting, you know? Like we're in the bed and we're in the couch and we're in the kitchen. Three rooms. That's it. Okay, well, that's New York. No.

It's like glue. I called her a cunt in the kitchen with the fucking butter knife. So then I'm sitting on a park bench, just like headphones in, looking at a phone. You still got that fucking energy going. Your adrenaline's running from all the fighting. And I'm sitting on a park bench. Now the bars are coming out. It's 4.10, 4.05 in the morning. And all these drunk gals in the village. It's like full of beautiful women. It's like smoke shows. Yeah, it's amazing.

And I'm sitting on a bench. I'm doing A.C. Slater style. I'm up on the top bench with the feet on the foot, on the butt part. And all these women are like going up to me. They're all drunk and they're going home. And they're probably mad they didn't get laid. And they're going like, what's up with you? Why are you all alone? Now they're sitting next to me. And I'm like, God, my whole 20s. I was like trying to get laid, going to the gym, pick up lines, swiping on Tinder. I just sit on a park bench. I felt like a worm on a hook.

And I think they recognize you. No recognize. And they're all like, hey, big boy, you know, and I was the meat. I was the victim. Like they would be like a pack of five of them. And they'd be like, what's your story? Why are you sitting here?

I wish I knew this 10 years ago. I would have been cleaning up. You're about to inspire a ton of creepy listeners right now. Yeah, maybe you're right. Just hang in Central Park, dude. Yeah. Good thing his marriage is almost over. No. He found the cheat code. Well, it kind of lightened my spirits. I was like, wow, this is very flattering. It's a guy. I was like, this is awesome. So many women are paying attention to me and talking to me, and these are really pretty ladies. And I think the fact that I was not hitting on them, I'm just minding my own business, sitting on a bench, and

You know, not bothering anybody. Yeah, what is wrong with these women that they walk up to a dude sitting on a bark bench alone at 4 a.m.? Like, this dude has his shit together. That's amazing. Well, I was up on the top part. I look cool. And I don't know what it was. I think it's the village. I don't know. A white privilege. Who knows what it is. But, like, a couple of bachelorette parties walk by, and they're all hopped up on estrogen. They're like, hey.

Hey, dickless or whatever. And it was the easiest pickup my life. And I had to be like, I'm fighting with my wife. And they were all like, oh, why are you guys fighting? They were stroking my leg and shit. I'm like, oh, my God. So I went back and we worked it all out. We've never been better in the relationship. Damn. It's like a reset. It's a reset. Yeah. And I think that's where the TWA thing came in. Because she was like, I got to do more things for him. You know, all that shit, which is like, yeah.

They don't really know me that well, but, you know, it was a very nice gesture. But stuff like that. Next time in the city. So then she was out of town. I went and got flowers. I put them in a vase, and then she came home to that. I put a little note with all this shit. So we're back, baby. But sometimes it takes a real clean slate to start fresh.

Yeah, I guess sometimes when you're just holding shit in. Relationships are so tough, man. Yeah, I told them it was like Godfather when they're like, you know, every 10 years or so we have to have a bloodbath just to clear the air. Exactly. You know, it's like even though we don't need the family war, we do it. Yeah. Yeah, the makeup sex was wild and raunchy and long and nasty. I count it. I was like, wow, we did six positions. That's pretty good for a married couple. Yeah. And only three rooms.

To a room. Damn. So very good, but also just tip for the men out there. Ditch your friends. Get a cocktail and a Starbucks cup. Sit on a bench on the top. You're home free. It's your spot. That's pretty good. That's the weird thing where you have to catch up just so you're not a creep. What do you mean? With alcohol. They're drunker than you. You're like, fuck bartender. Five shots. You just down them all. You're like, all right, perfect. Right, right. Let's get out of here.

Now it's legal, right. I thought saying fight it with my wife would brush him off a little, but they were like, oh, about what? Now they know more about me. That actually helped. You're non-threatening. Now a woman has already chosen you. I guess so. I told one girl I was gay, and she was like, oh, I could flip you or whatever. And I was like, damn, this is fucking...

This is a fish in a barrel here. Well, we had a friend. We knew a guy who was, like, very gay, but he fucked women. And, yeah, I mean, he was, like, clearly gay, but he was, like, the biggest cock block in the world.

Oh, yeah. Like on a level where you're like, dude, what are you? Are you even enjoying ruining my night? You're more cock breath. But yeah, it was mud. Oh, dude, he would swoop in and like hug them and they'd be like, oh, and then he'd like kiss their cheek before you know it. He's making out with them and you're like, I was talking to her. I know. I know. And you think, well, I'm not threatened. He's super gay. I'm fine. But then he would slip in. Speaking of, I got a peeve.

It was not Andy Dick. Andy Dick's funny. I had a guy say to me the other night, he goes, so I saw you the other night on the street. I didn't say hi because you were on a date, but you were licking an ice cream cone looking like a homo. For number one, I was on a date with a woman. Number two...

you know, how homophobic are you that you have deprived yourself ice cream because it's gay? And number three, it was sorbet, so he would think I was even gayer if he knew that. But it's so funny to me that you're like, you're that homophobic that you're like, you can't have dessert. Like the dude who's just out to dinner and they're like, we have a lovely tiramisu and he's like, nice try, buddy. I'm not...

I'm not biting. Yeah. Wow. He had to zing you somehow because you're obviously doing well. You've got a hot lady here with you. He had to get in somewhere with the ice cream cone, I guess. It's just funny. It's like a 60s insult or something. We were like, ice cream? I can't have ice cream? My buddy, he's a black guy. And black guys are very macho. And my friend was eating a banana.

And he was like, I had to throw away the banana because I was walking down the street and I couldn't have another black guy see me eat a banana. And I was like, man, that sucks. I eat bananas all the time, but I've never worried like, oh, you know, I'm a big gay out here. I think they're the number one purchase thing at Walmart is bananas. Really? People fucking love bananas. People love bananas. They're a quarter on the, what do you call it, fruit stands.

Yeah. I get them every day. You know the number one mover of orange juice is the Waffle House? That makes sense. They sell more orange juice than anyone else in the country. That makes sense. Like more than Walmart. And by the way, orange juice is horrible for you. It's the same amount as a Coca-Cola. But as a kid, we thought it was healthy. You thought it was healthy. They pitched you this healthy. Fruit.

Fruit drink. All you have to do is pitch something. I mean, like, think about it. Like, kind bars. It's like drizzled in chocolate. Yes, yes. I'll be healthy today. I'll have a kind bar. They got sued, by the way. Somebody sued them. They were like, this is not healthy at all. I did all the numbers, and they won. Yeah, it's pretty... It is funny to me that, like,

Eating an ice cream cone is like the gay. I feel like sweets. You're like called gay. And you're licking it too, which is tough. But that's what you do with a pussy. You don't really lick it. I guess you could lick the tip of a dick, but you lick a pussy. You don't lick a. You got a point. They should make pussy flavored ice cream. Now you're not gay. Now you're going out of business. Well, they got a breast milk. You know, they got a couple other weird. How about pussy? I feel like it'd be like a gourmet place. Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow's got a vagina candle. Oh.

Good point. Pinkberry, get on it. Yeah. They call it stinkberry. Stinkberry, and then put a cherry on top. Now you're popping cherries. All right. We're having too much fun. I don't know if it's a good flavor for ice cream, but I'd be curious. Yeah. I've tried weird. They made the mac and cheese. That's true. They got all kinds of weird flavors. But if it's pussy flavored, you find a hair in it. That makes sense. Now we got something. We got a pube.

Yeah. I always say Brazilian restaurants should have no pubes in it. Okay. Like a Brazilian steakhouse. All right. Tweet it. Love those steakhouses. Oh, you flip the thing over for more meat? It's just the most savage. That's what I picture this guy eating who called me that. I feel like that's all he eats is steak. Right. Never has any treats ever. But yeah, no, those Brazilian steakhouses were like...

Fuck, dude. When they pull over, it's like garlic steak and ribeye and the chicken hearts. That's the one where I'm like, that's the little... We're eating little hearts. Yeah. That's how it's like the hands of a dwarf. You're like, what is it? But yeah, that place, you flip the thing over. Gay bar should have that. Like, hey, I flipped this over. I'm ready for another sausage. Bring it on. I'm ready.

I'm not full yet. But yeah, that's crazy. That's a good peeve. You feel like shit, though, after those steakhouses. Oh, every time. I did it before a show in Pittsburgh. It was me, J.P. McDade, and James Webb. And that was the only thing open. It was like right after...

you know, downtowns were kind of hit hard after COVID. Oh, yeah. We were playing Pittsburgh Improv, and I was like, fuck it, let's go to a steakhouse. And, dude, when I tell you we had, like, the meat sweats on stage, it's like, you feel like shit. You feel dumber. You feel dumber, yeah. You feel heavy, slow, but you can't stop eating it. If somebody has a sword at your table, and he's, like, got a fucking pitchfork, you just got to say, I'll take it, I'll take it. When's the next time I see a chicken heart? I know. You got to.

You got to do it. Yeah, good peeve. Here's a peeve for you. And this is a nice guy. I hope he never hears this because it's a little annoying thing he does. This is the hardest one is doing the peeve for the people you know. He might listen. Sweet guy.

We're all hanging out. He's not a comic, so it's already a little weird because he's there. No offense. But he's in a group of comics. We're all busting balls, telling jokes, laughing, telling crazy stories. And he was chiming in. He would go, it's funny you say that. Like if you go, I went to a Brazilian steakhouse. How funny you say that. My buddy's Brazilian. And he would tell this long story about his buddy. And you're like...

It's not the greatest story, but he has that perfect way in because he goes, that's funny you say that. And you're like, no, no, no. Every time he said it's funny you say that, I go, don't do it. Don't do it. We don't want the story. My mom was eating a Pop-Tart. Funny you say that. You know, Pop-Tarts are made in Ohio. I knew a guy from Ohio once. And you're like, God, it's almost impressive the way he could hopscotch over to a thing that he knows about.

Why do you say that? The guy with the perfect in. Yes. But never has an out. No out. No out. Bad story. I hate those guys. No, no. I've had a guy like that once where they'll just hit you. They'll interrupt a conversation you're having with small talk. Yes. We're having a meaningful conversation. They jump in. They're like, hey, it's hot today. Right.

I was having a serious conversation here. But I think in his mind, he's like, I don't want to be rude and sit here quietly. I'll join in. These guys want me to join in. We're like, we don't want you to join in. You can laugh and sit there quietly. We would have no problems with that. Or just be more selective. Yeah, it's tough. That's a tough one. And a nice guy, but the stories, they just went nowhere. Never-ending stories are tough. It's funny you say that. There's a movie called Never-Ending Stories that I saw in the theater in 1981. And you're like, gah! It is an annoying...

It's a great end, though. Funny you say that. And because you're going to go, oh, what? What's funny about it? And then here we are. Nothing's funny about it. Nothing. And he got us every time. And it's a little rude to say it's funny you say that because it's not funny. It's not funny I say that. We're not laughing. No funny. You lose the edit button as you get older, too. Yeah, he was a little older. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah, it can get tough. Yeah, it was tough. And he's also one of these guys and.

He makes where he's from his whole personality. You know, he's from Boston, so he's like, you know, I'm from Boston, so, uh... And he's got the thick accent, and he's like, I'm from Boston, so, you know, we would really drink hard. I'm like, we all drank hard. We all had a... I drink hard every night. I got a podcast about drinking. Like, you can't just bring it all back to Boston, you know? Or like, you know, I'm from San Francisco, so I know about seafood. You're like, I know about seafood, too. You can't...

Nobody cares where you're from. Nobody cares where you're from, but you can't just make it your whole world. Yeah, fuck. You're a New York guy, but you're not like, so let me just tell you about the subway. Let me explain pizza to you. Yes, yes, exactly. We've had pizza. You're Brooklyn. You know how many people make Brooklyn their whole thing? I'm from Brooklyn. Brooklyn, what, what? All this shit. You're like, all right, just talk to me. You've never brought up Brooklyn. No, I don't bring it up. I love that. Funny thing. Yeah.

Do you actually hate it more when people are like, uh... That's funny. I hate that. Oh, yeah. When you say something's actually funny, and they're like... Oh, it's literally like if you were fucking someone, and they were like, I'm coming. It's the same energy. It's the worst. It's like, you laugh. You do a... Yeah. The one where you're like, they're like, hmm. Yeah. Ha. Yeah. You're like, what are you doing? Send me a text, ha, instead. That's insulting. Ha is for like, kind of like, in a text, it's for like, oh, that's weird. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not for a joke. Yeah. Yeah. And I think with comics, it's a little different. Like you'll be like, is this anything? I'm like, Ooh, that's funny. Yeah. Cause you want the laugh from the person. That's funny. Comics do that. I also am thinking about the guy you're telling these, the story to,

Comedians are the worst listeners on the planet. It's funny that we all podcast now because we are the worst. I used to say like the only time comedians ask about another person is doing crowd work because we don't do that. I mean, we don't ask about people. There we go. Both of you. But, uh,

No, we're just terrible fucking listeners. So if you don't edit your story properly and have an out, we're sitting there like, dude, come on. I know. And especially if you're going to take the floor. All right, we're giving you the floor here. You better deliver. Right, right.

And I had to tell him after the 12th story, I was like, no more stories. I just said too many stories, not another story. And he was like, I know, I know. I tell a lot of them. What's funny about that is he would literally be like, oh, we got so drunk. This guy puked everywhere. And that was like the big button. You're like, but we don't know those people. I don't care that he puked. I've seen puke. Everybody pukes. I don't know. You had to be there. Long stories. Yeah. So terrible. Yeah. Crazy. I had other peeves. Let me see what I wrote down.

Let me just say this. I've started my theater tour. We did my first two theaters, and it's a dream. Tell us. Well, I did Milwaukee. It's this beautiful theater, ornate, sold out. Which one do you do? Pabst. That's legendary. Legendary. Fonzie's outside, a big gold Fonzie. It's right on the river. Great city, too. Underrated. Great city. Never saw it in the summer, either. It's like seeing a woman with makeup. You're like, damn, you clean up nice. I've only seen you in the pajamas and the...

The bags. But great theater, and we had a great time. They gave me a tour manager because it's with Outback, so I've never had a tour manager, so that's weird. So he's like, hey. It's funny. They think you're a special needs person. I'm at the hotel at 3. I'm like, I'm going to get a nap in, do a little writing, maybe take a shit. And he's like, show's at 8. We'll get a runner over there at 645. We'll drop you off. You'll be here at 7. And I said, hold on.

Google it. Theater's an 11-minute walk. I said, I'll walk it. I'll see you there at 6.50. I always walk it. Yeah, and he's like, oh, 6, you gonna walk it? You sure? What if you get mugged or kidnapped? I'm like, so what'd you think I did before you existed? You know, like, what are we doing here? So I walked over there. I got there like 6.53. He was like, Jesus Christ, what the hell? And you're like, don't worry.

Don't worry, man. We got this. They're used to high-maintenance people. Yes. And we're pretty easy. Also, they forget how many years we did in the clubs. Right. Where it was just sheer incompetence. Like, some of the clubs are great, but then you play a bad club...

I mean, they'll just forget you at the airport. Yes, yes. They're just like, you didn't send anyone? How many times you showed up at the club and you're like, hey, I'm the headliner. They're like, well, we don't know you. And you're like, I'm the guy on the marquee. And they're like, I don't know that. You went to a club and they're like, can you do the bathroom? Oh, yeah, yeah. That was actually in a bit. Yeah, true story. I was in a club in Myrtle Beach. And the woman was like, can you do the urinal cakes in the bathroom? Uh-huh.

And I was like, I'm the comedian. She goes, so no. Not even I'm sorry. That's gold. She was like, so I'm like, yeah, no, it's a no.

Yeah, no, true story. I was like, my face is on the poster. That's great. They didn't really respect comedians there. No, sometimes they never do. I remember trying to get paid. They were like, oh, just wait right here. We'll come get you. And it was like 2 in the morning. I had to knock on the door. And they're like crunching numbers in there with a bunch of receipts. And waitresses are all waiting to get paid. I had to wait to get paid until like 3 in the morning. And then I had a flight at like 7.

Brutal. Happened to me at Fort Myers. Same thing. There you go. You just like, let me get like three hours of sleep. I know. And they just have you waiting. And you're like, is anyone coming? Yeah, you're like, I'm the show. I was the show. And you're scared to leave. Yes. Because I've been stiff before. Exactly. So you're like, let me just get a check. Because even if it bounces, at least I have some paper. Right.

Right. So fucking stupid. The waiter is going to be here tomorrow. I'm never coming back. So pay me first. How about that? But yeah, so it was just so weird. And he's like, you want food? I'm like, oh, we get food. He's like, we'll get whatever you want. We'll send a runner out. I'm like a runner. I still don't think the New York clubs pay properly to comedians. What do you mean? I just don't think the New York clubs pay properly. Like if you headline or if you know, just like spot padding, it has been raised and like it's been raised like $10 in 30 years. Yeah. It's crazy. It's a little weird.

When you played Rogan's and it was decent, right? That's crazy pay. Well, Rogan's a comedian. He's a comedian. He gets in. He's a zillionaire. Yeah, and he's basically opening... But still, he's making the same amount that the seller's making in a night, right? Right, but Rogan essentially opened a non-profit because he just wants to make a good club. Exactly. Okay. Which is unheard of. So, yeah, great, great time. But these clubs are all making good money. And it doesn't affect guys like Mark or myself at this point as much, but if you're a younger comic...

You're living a lot of time. You need a fucking day job. Yeah. Or you're on the road hard, but a lot of those guys aren't on the road yet. The club should all be paying more. Yeah, I never thought about that. They really should in New York. All of them. I got the best compliment I ever got. This guy is like, I'm also the tour manager for this group, that group, that group. And he's like, I just want to go with you because it's so easy with a comedian. I show up, I go...

Sounds good. Okay. I just talk on the mic for two seconds. And then I go, how about we get Thai food? I feed everybody and then we go home. It's the best. It's the best. Also, I'll do you one better. I don't even do a sound check. I don't either. I made that up. Well, he knows what I like. He does it. You know?

Yeah, exactly. You know how I talk. That's how I talk on stage. Yeah. Can you hear me? Great. We got it. Did you do, and also Vitor's on before me usually, and Gary's so low energy that I'm like, if the mic's fucked up for him, I'll be fine. We'll figure it out. Right, right. You did Milwaukee and Iowa? Milwaukee and Des Moines. Milwaukee Friday one show, Des Moines one show on Saturday, and went home on Sunday. It was amazing. That's nice. That's a nice weekend. How was Iowa?

Oh, dude, Iowa's underrated. It's just Des Moines is a badass city. It's clean. Everybody's so friendly. It's some of the best looking fat people in America and everything's fried and it's like county fair and corn and fun and just beer, a lot of beer there. It's just a great time. And I walked to the gig and people were honking. I'm going to see you. It just feels like lighter there. It feels like there's no chilliness.

Jonah Hill drama. No one's worried about Lizzo. They're just having fun, living life, and doing fentanyl. No one's worried about Lizzo. They're just eating until they look like it.

Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of white lizzos out there. Yeah, I actually haven't been on the road in a minute because it's like a first stretch. Oh, does he want to come in? Oh, hey, all right. Have him make a pop in. Well, what is this? Seinfeld? Is Kramer going to slide in? All right. Tell him. Sorry, I'm not on my phone because I'm a professional, but tell him to pop. All right.

All right, but yeah, where were you this weekend? I was here. I was doing seller spots, and it's great. I mean, it's fun to be home, but it is hard to work on stuff. It's hard to work on stuff. Because you're following some new people who are just killer. Some of their stuff, they're just going bam, bam, bam. I know. And then you go up, the first few minutes, you got to kill, and then...

They always let you early on the weekend. They always do. It's like 15 turns into like 12. Yeah. It's hard to get work done. I know. And it's a weekend. So you kind of feel weird being like, let me try this brand new idea and I'll work it out because they're like they're drunk and it's date night and they want to see a show. I don't know. I feel weird working out on a Tuesday. It feels a lot better for me. Weekends are overrated. I agree. Everything is better. Yes. Yes.

And the streets in New York, especially in the village on a weekend, it's like electric. It's a lot. It's a lot. Well, yeah, Will, so Vince and I went up. We started fucking around a little bit and Esty's in the crowd watching us. I'm like, well, now we're not going to go hard. Of course. We're not going to, like, how hard do you think we're going to push the limits here? Yeah. When the booker's watching us. That's so backwards that the booker of the club makes you less funny.

Isn't that weird? Like something about it makes you more intimidated and you can't be yourself and you can't be loose. There needs to be more experimentation. There's this expectation of the comedy seller to kill. And I think it's like killing's great, but when you're doing three shows a night, you think I'm going to do the same set? I know, I know. No, it's like I want to explore a little bit. Colin Quinn used to always say, like, you clubs are architects. I'm not talking about the seller. The seller's great, but clubs in general are architects of their own destruction. Right.

When they don't let comedians explore. The process should be a little ugly occasionally. If I kill for 12 out of 15 minutes, throw three minutes for new bits and they'll get there. Exactly. But that's why I don't like weekends. There's a weird expectation to...

Sunday's like looser. You can kind of figure it out. Yeah, I totally agree. And also people are like, ah, the road. I hate the road. I'm miserable. I'm like, I love the road. I love the hotel. I mean, the flight sucks and all that, but like, what happened? Okay. The flight sucks. You just feel so unhealthy, though. I mean, it's the fun. I mean, the way you're doing the road now is good. And that's like, luckily, I was doing theaters this year, too, and it was easier, but...

It is... You realize how unhealthy the road is when you spend like a week straight in New York. That's true. And you're like, holy shit, I feel good. That's true, yeah. Isn't that crazy? That's a good point. But you pop in and you pop out. Pop in. Get in here. Come in, yeah. Do a little pop in. You know the seat. There we go.

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Cut that part. All right. By the way, can we get a beer, Jew, a CPAP machine? Geez, I heard you breathing from a mile away there. I thought we had to cut your mic. All right. Yank that arm over. Hey, Sal, can I get those cookies?

You whooped two down. I know. I had two this morning, too. I got a problem. What are you in the studio for? It sounds like we're in prison. What are you in for? I'm doing my hit podcast, Mindful Metal Jacket. Oh, nice. And Ari's coming in. Oh, nice. Jesus. Farts.

What the hell was that? I had this queue for you walking in. That's great. It's better than the construction you played 400 times. Oh, my God. Speaking of cookies, you know what gets me is I go to that lounge and I have to take seven cookies.

I have to take them in a napkin. The Delta Lounge? Yeah. Really? It's like a pile of chocolate chip cookies. And now they've upgraded to Rice Krispie treats. Yeah. Their cookies aren't great, though. The 7-Eleven cookies were better than the Delta Lounge cookies. Well, it's not the best cookie. It's no, what is it, Aunt Patty? What's that lady? Aunt Patty. Aunt Ann? Aunt Ann?

Uncle? Auntie Anne? Uncle Tom? That's a pretzel. I don't know an aunt cookie. Mrs. Field? Mrs. Field! Yeah! That guy knows his cookie. The old pedophile there. He's putting them out for the kids. Well, something I've talked about with these Delta lounges that bothers me is they don't...

factor in, account for, they don't account for just white trash garbage people who fly a lot. That's true. Like you go in there and they have salmon drizzled with honey, quinoa, give me a hot dog and some mac and cheese. Well, I've never heard a complaint about healthy food. I love that about it.

No, that's because you come from some class. I grew up in the woods like an asshole. I want a slice of cheese pizza. That's what I hate when your only options are trash. You feel like shit at the club. You get to the club. It's only chicken wings and pizza. Can't they do a little of both? Really? They understand everything. That's why I'm coming out with cookies because the trash in me. I'm like, they're falling out of my pockets. I'm like a bandit.

I like the healthy option, but just also have like school lunch where I went to school anyways. Cheese pizza was always on the menu. Right. Lunch today is salami, sausage or whatever. But cheese pizza was there if you needed it. It's a good point. Sitting on those heat lamps. I remember we had a square pizza. Remember that? Yeah, we had square too. No, I was a big bagel guy. We did a lot of bagels, toast and bagels. A little tough.

Yeah. You look fantastic. What'd you get a haircut? What the hell's happening here? You look well kept. You look good. Yeah, you look good. All right, thanks. You look good. I've been exercising. I'm trying to take care of myself here. Well, you stayed in the city this weekend, so you can kind of decompress. Oh, my God. It's like the first time I don't feel like I'm, yeah. I was just saying, the road, you don't realize how unhealthy it is until you're actually here for a few days, and you're like, holy shit.

Can I say, though, I hate to sound like a contrarian. I feel like I'm healthier on the road. Really? Yeah, because...

In ways, because on the road, it's just me. I mean, I have a buddy there, but I'm like, I wake up and there's less to do. Less to do is nice. So I'm like, let me go to the gym. The gym is just right there. You're not doing podcasts on the road. Right. Like here, I'm like, I'm running from podcast to podcast, or there's a meetup or a hang or whatever. Or you're just like, I'm finally home. Let me just order some delivery, whatever. I mean, the diet is bad.

Yeah, just on the road. I guess we're semi-healthy. We try to hoop and stuff, but it's just I need a drink. Yeah, I need a drink after the shows and it turns into... I don't need a drink. Yeah, I do. Here we go. Take it one day at a time. I'm less tempted to drink in the city, weirdly. I'm just like, I can just go home. You can go home. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have that hotel sadness.

On the road. I mean, at home. But then I sleep better on the road for sure. I do too. That fucking drilling you saw. I think mentally I'm better on the road because there's no pockets. This is my apartment every day. Crazy, huh? Oh my God. I know. Sounds like when I leave my wife at home alone. You don't get better.

A lot of vibrating. So I sleep better on the road, but... That's insanity. But also the city on the road, usually it's a nicer play. The city's a train ride. It's horrible. It's a toilet. It's a toilet.

It's just, I mean, it's elevated train. It's homeless. It's traffic. It's horns honking. Yeah, the small space, the small apartment. And then with the hotel, you can jizz everywhere. You don't have to clean it. You know, you can really make a mess out of it. Yeah, you can eat it on the hotel. No one's going to be like, hey, spit that out. Right, right. You can kill a hooker. You can do fentanyl, whatever it is. Mark, are you still stealing from the airport, you know,

Places where you buy food? Jesus. I do it a little for sport now. Before, I was like, oh my god, I need these two disgusting hard-boiled eggs that are in a weird liquid. Or I need this kind bar. You bring hard-boiled eggs from the lounge on the flight? That's disgusting. Well, I eat them in the line. I don't eat them on the plane. I'm not an animal. But I'm saying I go to Hudson News and I'll... Really? I'll sticky finger maybe like an inquirer or something.

Yeah, I get it. It's very overpriced. It's outrageous. And, you know, you buy the two things and then one is for you. How much longer do you think they'll sell magazines at an airport? I think that's the only place to sell magazines. That's my point. How long do you think they have?

I mean, newspapers are pretty much, they feel almost gone. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, newspapers. That was a big part of life, that printing. Yeah. You know, X-Tree, X-Tree. When I was a kid, my mom would circle. That's what the kids say. X-Tree, X-Tree. Read all about it. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Isn't it X-Traw? It is X-Traw. They made it their own. New York accent. Oh, I don't know. Pull it up. I don't know X-Tree. Oh,

Oh, yeah. But my mom would circle garage sales in the classifieds, and that was our big Sunday. I would go with her. So that trash is deep. Well, I remember I followed a home run chase with Griffey when I was a kid and reading a box score. Yes. And every morning I would go, and the way I would know if somebody homered was the... Great timing with these sound cues, by the way. Sounds like extra. He's saying extra. It says extra. Hold on. I got to hear extra. Oh, I heard an E. I heard an E.

X-Creed. You were saying Ken Griffey Jr. Oh, but you would go, and if there was a one hit, one run scored, one RBI, you're like, I bet he homered. Then you would go to the bottom to see a home run. Right. Yeah, yeah. It was exciting. It feels like we're from the 30s. It's the best. But you'd scan through there for the box score. The sports page was a big thing. Not only that, but I remember reading the box office for movies. That was a big thing. All the movies! I'm not Jewish, but still, that's a big thing.

I didn't need to know how much money the movie made. Oh, you looked at the money? I was curious. Oh, I would look up the times. Yeah, the times was big. I wanted to know what was making money. I was curious. Ah, the money! You wonder how these guys get ahead. He was giving me the benefit of the doubt, too. I was like, oh, yeah, the movies. Yeah, I didn't know you were going with what they brought in the rake.

I was curious. You never did that? I did. I also used to look up what TV show is a top 10 TV show. Yeah, I was curious. Okay. That was a big thing. It'd be like Frasier, Seinfeld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was kind of cool. That was fun. They give you a little blurb, too. Frasier gets in hot water with Roz or whatever. They give you a little nugget. But they don't do that anymore. You don't know what ratings are. By the way, have you read your description for Netflix? I hated it. It's not pretty. What do you say? It's like raunchy. Yeah.

Or he comments on his wife's stomach or something farting. One says, ripping one in front of a loved one. Did you write that? No, of course not. You can get them to run that past you. It says, Mark Norman touches on topics such as ripping one in front of a loved one. From awkward lap dances to intimacy of letting one rip in front of a spouse. Comedian Mark Norman unloads his rapid fire stand.

What are you doing? They sent me a bad one. I don't know what they say about me, but I turned it down because it was something like, I think they opened with, Samuel talks about porn.

I talk about other shit. It was like one joke. I mean, I'm grateful for Netflix. I love Netflix. But just write like one of the best comedians fucking killer hour. Watch it. There you go. That's it. It's some queef out there. They got the copywriting like a 19-year-old girl who's head of the social media probably wrote that. Well, AI is going to take over all of us and kill us. AI could have done better.

But yeah, those blurbs are brutal. I mean, Netflix, they're so nervous. That's pretty clean of a blurb. I made a trailer and I sent it to them. They're like, we're not sure if our audience is going to get this. And I'm like, so my audience will, but your audience won't get it? What does that mean? And then I kept pushing back and eventually they go, all right, well, you say goddamn in the trailer. I was like, I'll take it out.

But just tell me that. We went through 12 laps of bullshit to get to that. Yeah, it's like a beginning of a relationship. What do you mean? Well, they just won't tell you how they really feel. Oh, yeah. You have to pull it out of them. No, it's fucking annoying. But we could have taken the goddamn out. We would have been on our way in one email. It's like when I did Letterman and they were like...

we want you to do your McDonald's chunk. And I was like, can I just trash McDonald's on Letterman? They're like, yeah, we love it. And then we had like six months of sending them tapes, getting the jokes right. Literally six months, they're like, ah, McDonald's is a sponsor. We can't make fun of them. I'm like, I told you that. Yeah, what is that? And no one gets fired, by the way. Well, they're all fired now. The show doesn't exist. Okay, I asked chat GPT. Oh, God. Oh, come on. Jesus Christ. Stop it. I'm like,

This is what we're supposed to be rebelling against. I know. What the fuck? Is it better? You know I'm terrified. No, it's wordy, but... It is wordy. ...embark on a hilariously unfiltered journey into the absurdities of modern life... That's way better. This is way better already. Really? Oh, this is horrifying. Oh, no. ...to sex relationships, technology, complexity of being an almost adult in this uproariously...

And his uproarious Netflix special. Oh, this is tragic. It's called Laughing Matters. This is so much better. Let's just replace Alec Hughes with Chad GBT. You're done. No, it is amazing. We'll just put a Hawaiian shirt on a laptop and it's a better system. We should do the skeleton like Craig Ferguson. Remember that? Yeah. There you go. There it is. That's Sally. You're gone.

anal intruder I remember when I did America's Got Talent they were trying to it's weird when they try to get involved in your set where you're like you're not comedians I remember they they were like do this phone joke you have I'm like it's not gonna work on your show I promise it's like too offensive for your crowd and they were like it's our favorite joke and I'm like I'm not they were like pushing me to do it and finally I was like no and I got eliminated they were probably right but you know but they we know our act we know what does well where and how and who and why I know my alleys there you go what's that shirt

Oh, Kenny Powers, Eastbound and Down. Oh, nice. I've never watched that. What? I've never watched it. Oh, my God. You've never watched it? No, no. It's one of the funniest shows ever. I know. I suck. I saw Talk to Me last night. I thought it was fantastic. What is that? It's an Australian horror movie. It's a...

It's like made it here. Anytime a foreign film makes it here, you know it's pretty good. True. It's true. But Ronan hated it. We got in like a shouting match in the hallway. He hates everything. I don't love scary movies. I like a horror movie. He hated it. It's pretty fun. But if you haven't seen it, I don't know what we're doing.

Is it, was it like a hereditary where you're like, Oh God, or is it a silly goofball? No, that's what I thought, which I like both. But, um, well, first of all, it's 90 minutes. Good runtime. Yeah. I love a 90 minute movie. Yeah. You gotta do it. Woody. Uh,

It's almost like a Ouija board. It's like this hand. I keep calling it talk to the hand. But you hold on to the hand and you say, let me in. And it takes you to the spirit world. But it's like an allegory for drugs. The kids are all doing it. There's a lot of layers. They're all tick-tocking it and they're kind of not concerned.

And then they get all fucked up and crazy. But then afterwards, they're like, let's do it again. So it's sort of allegorical. But also there's like parental relations and friendships and all this stuff. And it gets quite fucking gory and crazy. And it's really, I thought it was damn good. Great premise. Yeah. I love it. I love when they're putting TikTok in. I hate TikTok. But they're putting it in movies because it does exist. Of course. It's weird when there's no phones or anything in a movie. I'm like, it's 2023. Yeah.

no phones in this yeah it's very straight there's no one sitting looking at a phone that would be half of a movie if you were just being realistic there's all these articles now saying that people forgot how to behave in movies did you see these like like barbie oppenheimer people are behaving like drunken assholes and it's like you realize there's like probably a generation of people going to these now who just have never really gone to the movies yeah did you notice that

Not when I went, but yeah. We had Luke Monis, who's not just hilarious. Funny guy. Yeah, we love him. He was like, we were, a group of kids came and they were kind of chatting and I might have to run. My guests from iPod guests might be showing up right now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got Ari's number? Yeah. Yeah, shoot him a text, would you? Yeah.

Oh, perfect. Hey, this guy's on it. So anyways, we go there and it's crowded and a group of teenagers show up and they're chatting as the lights are coming down. It's getting ready. And I say to Luke, just so you know, I am not above making a scene in a movie theater. And he was like, oh, me either. He was like Kramer. And so then it comes like the Universal Studios logo comes on and he just goes...

Oh, wow. I wait until we're into the picture. Sure. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. And he does the big shush. And they were like, this is in San Jose. They were like Indian kids. So they were like, oh, like shocked. They weren't like, hey, fuck you. Yeah, yes. They were like, Jesus Christ. And so they start whispering. And Zach is just going to clip it up. This is a great scene. AI wouldn't have pulled that up. You're back. You're back in. Shut your trap. Shut your trap.

the popcorn spilled I think they get lower and lower that's Michelle Pfeiffer's sister that's right that guy's great because I would love it incredible incredible but so he shushed him and then like a couple minutes later there's like the tiniest and he's like

Wow. He does it again. And then like a few minutes later, the tiniest whimpery, and he goes, that's it. And I have a problem. And I was like, you got to stop. Because at some point, there's an adverse effect. Yes, yes. Because if you turn and start yelling, now we're missing all of this. Now our heart rates spike. Now they're mad. Now we're like fighting. They're behind us. Are they going to throw sodas at us? And at some point, you're like, I would rather block out two people like...

Yeah. Then have to deal with we're in like a weird fist fight thing. Yeah. Now you're missing the whole movie. Yes. So you're right. It's completely overblown. And then you're sitting like this during the movie. Yes. That was crazy. I have something that works nine out of ten times. It's very simple. I just turn around and say, you know, I can hear every word you guys are saying.

You think you're like I'm keeping it to ourselves. Yeah, but it's like I can hear everywhere and that it stops it almost immediately Wow, that's good cuz then they're also like I don't want him to hear what I'm saying exactly That's good You got to respect people the movie theater Merle's on a date with a girl once and she takes the phone out with the film form Which is like a oh, yeah, you don't take the phone out What during trailer during the movie fuck that and just to answer a text yeah, and I see this

What the fuck? The homeless problem is out of control in this city. I'll tell you that right now. Come on, man. Do we have another mic? What's going on, guys? Jesus, Moses is here to part the sea. Get in here with the hobo box and everything. We can do like backup singers with one microphone. When was the last time I saw you? You look like a Louis. It's so cold. You look like every person in the streets of San Francisco right now. I really do, yeah. It's a...

That's a little thing. I just saw it like three weeks ago. Shoulder hair is coming in nicely. I got some patches. What? What are you taking? Ivermectin. Never stopped. I feel like I'm doing charity here. We're going to give him a makeover, folks. We're going to get this guy a job.

It's just too hot out, man. Sun's out, guns out. It is cloudy, though, so I have no excuse. It's definitely three degrees. It's hot. It's biked up here. You smell like livestock. What's going on? Biked up here. It's humid.

Do you fish with a stick? Yeah, right? Is there a bag on the end of that stick? Are you riding the rails? I ride a rail car to a rail car. Just looking for friends. Do you do like the second guy in command behind Moses in the desert right now? I'm here if you need me, Moses. If you need me. It's hot. I need an off day. I'm in the GPS.

Did you hear America's getting rid of GPS for the world? Huh? What? Trump put it in play. He was like, why are you paying for it? Everybody else should pay for it. Wait, what? Yeah. We've been paying for GPS. Oh, because they're using our GPS. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. It's a very Trump movie. Chat GPS is correct. Yeah.

All right, when you were a kid, did you check the box office in the newspaper for movies that came out? Were you like, let me see who's winning the box office? Oh, yeah. That was a very anti-Semitic experiment you just did, Joe. Well, I'm very interested in money, too, obviously, but media. I've heard a lot worse anti-Semitic experiments. But, yeah.

It's called eugenics. What are you guys doing? What are you talking about today? Well, we had no guests and lists popped in and then you popped in. So we have two surprise guests on this one. There you go. It's two goy, two Jew. There we go. Right now, the comment start should have been nobody. No, I think these are. No, this is a good one. What do you think you and I could beat these two at? Basketball, they probably got it. We got you. Always a lockdown defender, too. We can take one pickle. Thank you.

Pickleball? Easy. You think so? I don't know. We got length. But you played. I played. Okay. I'm not great, though. I'm okay. We got you beat there. Cornhole, I think, would dominate. No, cornhole, I'm great. Bowling, I'm great. I play a lot of cornhole. Can you guys bowl? I can bowl. I can bowl. You can't bowl with your back. Are you kidding? I can't bowl. You can bring out that cart where you push it. We put the gutter on the rails.

We'll beat you on pickleball. Mark will be a fucking... No, that's wrong. You'll be looking at your abs in the window while we're dropping shots. I'm going to keep my shirt on. I'm like Kreischer over here. That's crazy. Pickleball will smoke you. We should film it. Yes! Now we're off on a topic. Really? But wait a minute. Fine, but then we get basketball. Yeah, we got basketball. How's your back for basketball? I'm good, dude. I haven't been hurt in...

Weeks now. I'll bomb in basketball. I stink. I just saw White Man Can't Jump. I can pick. Oh, the new one? No, the old one. The old one's great. But it's got a few flaws in it. It does. It's so funny. I just watched it recently, too. So they've got to get the duck in whatever. King and the Duck. King and the Duck. They're playing for $2,500 a game. That's just what he lost last year.

Wouldn't the fuck it be? Now he can get a house for $2,500, but before for $5,000 he couldn't. Okay. It should have been a $25,000 buy-in for the duck and the king. The wife, Rosie Perez, or the girlfriend, happens to be working on foods with the letter Q, and that's in the game? That's pretty wild.

That's a joke. My thing we talked about recently, that's not a joke. It happens. That's the end of the movie. Another one that we talked about on our podcast recently was that they get kicked out, the Stookies, chase them out of their hotel, and then the next scene, they're in a different hotel, and she has all her posters and maps and everything already hanging. She just moved in full. And they left all their shit behind. But pull up her tits in that tank

She still looks kind of good, actually. Oh, really? That was early nipple in my life. That was great. Big nip. Big nip. The Stookies. And Woody can kind of play. No, they could all play. There were only a couple shots where I'm like, that bounced past the angle and that would not have gone that way. They said Woody Housen was the better player. Everybody else's outfit was...

as gay as anyone on Broadway today. It's bright purple, spandex. Yeah, the little hats. They all dress like Richard Simmons for some reason. The other flaw is... A little porno on the right side of Sally's bullshit here. Hot milk teachers, men over 40.

Did you seriously look this up on a porno site? He did. Yeah. Have you heard of YouTube? Pull the brightness up. He knew how to make some women squirt, but he didn't know how to make any woman squirt. And that's what he was searching for. Another thing in this scene is you can see she has no protection. He's like, she's fully nude there with money in her twat. I'm just watching a black screen here. Is this a close-up of Wesley? What is this?

This is too much. He killed it, by the way. He steals that movie. He's charming as fuck. Yeah, he's great. He was amazing. Then he stopped doing comedy. He's then paying taxes. He was in the Eddie Murphy one recently. Wasn't he interested in something? The other flaw is they keep trying to set up the hustle and they're like, you can pick anybody out here and he's like, I'll take this guy and you're like,

The white guy that drove all the way to Watts and carrying a basketball? And not just some old fat guy that I've already seen play bad. It's like, no, no, forget all these people. There's somebody coming off a subway. I'm sure he'll stop. He'll stop. He's a block away, but I'm sure he'll come play with us. He's a white guy in an all-black neighborhood carrying a basketball with basketball sneakers. I'm going with this guy. Of course he's going to be good. Yeah, there's some underrated jokes in there, too. No, no.

Hey, Raymond. I'm going to get my other gun. Shoot everybody's ass. Great comedy there. Yeah. Cut this motherfucker right here. It's amazing. That guy is an NBA player. He won national championship at UCLA underwater. Who was it? The one that hustled him. Raymond from One Man Can't Jump. The one they hustled with? No, the one that they hustled him. Oh, right, right, right. I'm going to go back to my car. Get my other gun. Shoot everybody's ass. I will never bring you water. Thirsty in your bed. Yeah, yeah.

Are there any other good basketball movies besides like Hoosiers is good, but what's another good? Juana Man is not great. Teen Wolf is pretty solid. I think that's a basketball movie. Basketball Diaries. Was Hustle the Adam Sandler? Hustle's good. Really good. Was it? Hustle's a good movie, yeah. What about Blue Chips? Oh, I love Blue Chips. William Freakin, he died today. Whoa! How crazy is this? Yeah, it's the Freakin' Wakin'.

I love blue chips. Don't step on any of the kids. Okay. Yeah, a lot of that was in Louisiana. I just love Shaq. Shaq's second greatest role next to Shazam. Hey, have you not seen Steel? Oh, good point, good point. Steel was a fucking... That was a rough one. Man, Nick Nolte had a rough... God, he's great. And the same guy from White Men Can't Jump, by the way. Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq looks like he weighs like 180 here. Nolte's got to be one of the...

worst transitions from like hot Hollywood guy to fucking horrible looking now yeah he was a handsome like Cape Fear Nick Nolte it's cause he hung out with Barbra Streisand for a week and then he said just give up he's up there with Ari in that clip

Well, that mugshot was a punchline for like a decade. But he was sexiest man. He was? He won sexiest man. No, really? Look it up. I bet he did. Busey and Nolte always get it mixed up. He too. Salakius is behind on the lookups. We never got Raymond, basketball star. Oh, wow. He looks like Letterman. I think one of these people is Gary Busey. Yeah, the left. There we go.

Busey was amazing in Point Break. Point Break, yeah. Wasn't he in a submarine movie? Utah, get me two. That's Gene Hackman. Periscope Down, or what is that? Down Periscope. That's the one. Oh, my God. He doesn't look that bad. I thought he would look worse. Yeah. Busey? He's a little Irish. Yeah, he's just red-faced. Oh, yeah. Be a good guest. I would love to have Busey on. He would drink us under the table. Busey would. Yeah. Salacuse's outfit. Yeah.

That's Nolte. Oh, sorry, Busey. Yeah, yeah, Busey would be an amazing guest. It's funny that they're both kind of nuts, it seems. Yeah. And they look alike. Spouse a little Busey. All right. I like this. Nolte went crazy? I don't know. He seems a little nutty. Busey went crazy. Gary Busey went crazy. I think he had a head injury after, what was that movie he played in the 80s? It was amazing. He played... Point Break? Buddy Holly? Buddy Holly. After Buddy Holly, he had a head injury from a motorcycle accident. Kind of lost his shit.

That's what happens. I heard the guy who runs the Springfield Club, you know, I heard he had a head injury from a crash. Really? Because one of the guys when I was there, he goes, he was a completely different person before this. They say that with everybody. Roseanne was normal. Sam Kinison was normal. What do you think he's doing now? Giving away percentage deals?

He's just nice now. He's like, yeah, you can have a drink. You don't have a drink ticket. It's okay. How did Roseanne hit her head? She got in a car accident and totally kind of went and became a comedian. Oh, wow. Really? And became a comedian. Yeah. Interesting. That's so sick that a comedian has an origin story. You're a fucking superhero. That's true. Jesus. Look at Pryor. He can watch his mom fuck a bunch of Johns, you know, and Peoria. He's Don Draper. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Wow. So your mother being a prostitute really leads to some success because Roberto Durante. Oh, yeah. Roberto Durant. Is that his name? Yeah. And also like drug addicts and losers. And there's other side of it. Yeah. Well, thanks for stepping on the bit right. Yeah. Let him milk it. Jesus Christ. Can we get three punch lines out? Like, actually. So you're saying your mother being a prostitute. Not not great. Got it. Got it. Write that down.

Yeah, that's when, what's the guy who beat him? Because Durant was like amazing. He called someone else's mom a whore and beat the guy who was way better than him. Oh, right. I think it was Sugar Ray. Did you watch Four Kings on Showtime? Is that where you're getting this info? Four Kings. I remember that one. There's a new Showtime doc, Four Kings, and it's unbelievable. No, no. Showtime docs are kind of underrated. Yeah, that one's great. It's hard to get to, but yeah, I watched the Ron Artest one recently. It's fucking great. Maybe it was just the Kings.

Then there's We Were Kings. Or When We Were Kings. That's nominally, right? Black people love being called king. They do. And black women love to be called queen. And the ruler. They like the ruler in the rap world. I've never heard the ruler. Slick Rick the ruler. Oh.

And Lil and Big is big, too. Lil is big. You're right. I used to work at FYE, the record store, CD store. For your entertainment. Yes. When we would alphabetize, the rap section was all L's for Lil and Big's. Wow. It was B and L. Also, in alphabetical order, where do you put a cash sign as an S?

Well, good. I think that's... It's an S. It's an S? I think it's got to be an S. I would put it before the A. It's a number. It's assembly, right? It's like Prince.

Any rap stars call in, please? I know LF Cool J is busy doing his Brock the Bells Festival, but if you could take a break and call in, we'd love that. Do you have any of the videos I sent in? Let's pull up a video for us. It sounds like a hacky joke, but I was working at FYE, and a guy came in. He's like, you got 50 Cent? And I thought he was, I was like, oh, I can't help you, bro. And he's like, you don't got 50 Cent? I had never heard of this artist. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not giving you money. He pulled out a 20. He's like, you got 50 Cent? You're like, well, now I'm really confused. So Samson.

What do we have? What is this? I don't know what that one is. Make it big. What's that? I'm trying. It's hard. What's this? I didn't send this one. Is that Luke Wilson? Oh, I know what this is. I didn't send this. This is a guy who says he can hypnotize you. What's wrong with you? Block punches. Chat GBT. Get Chat GBT in here.

Oh, you had it. Okay. So I think this guy's like an energy master. He says I can block punches. Wait, before you press play. I'm going to guess he doesn't block. Way to shit on that. Here we go. That was no sound? So he's saying he can block punches with like a force field.

And then put him up against an MMA fighter. Oh, that sucks. From his knees. Wow. I feel bad for this guy. He's an idiot. He's an idiot. That's Jake Paul if he went against a real fighter. He had to really believe it. This is a mystery video. Can I ask a question? I know, but he's not a boxer. Oh, I know. Diego just did this. Diego Lopez. What is this? This is an amazing fight. It happened just yesterday. Oh, with the folding chair. Yes. What is this?

This was crazy. All right, so the context basically is there's a security guard telling this group of white boaters you can't dock here. You have to move your boat. Okay. That's all you need. Okay. And then they... And I saw this. They behave like fucking lunatics. Okay. Okay.

Oh, you missed the better. There's a better angle. Yeah, there's a way better angle on this. I'm going to look for it. Stand by. They said you can't dock here. Hold on. I'm going to find a better video. Stand by. Wait, wait. Why do they give a shit so bad that they're docking? Because they're clearly shit-faced and they're just assholes. Looking for trouble. Yeah. Looking for nub in all the long pieces. Starting giving it away here. Hold on. I'm going to find another one. You guys just talk. Okay. Yeah, don't give it away since we're all... But I bet it's on.

All right. Can I ask this? Yes, sir. Side note, I'm renting a studio and we're cutting into the time. Am I losing out on this thing? Yeah, I would take advantage of that. I feel like we might have to go. Go? Give me a fucking drink while I'm here as a guest. Oh, whatever you want. Yeah, grab whatever you want. Oh, there's no tender. Let's just have a fucking scotchie scotch. I could go on 11. What are you doing? We got good scotch. 11?

One of the mats has got to get up there, although I would recommend Peter's because Salakius makes it. What's a Lagavulin 11? Is that a novelty one? It's got to be a novelty one. No, that's real, baby. That's an 18-year, baby. No, it's novelty. What do you mean novelty? The Offerman edition. It's a novelty fucking one. Fuck him. Let him die in this 11. That's a fun sound. That is a fun sound. That is. I'll try it, actually. Ah, ha.

Oh, give the man a Lagerwold if he wants it. Or Bodega Cat, which is available online. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. You can get them online now? Yeah. That's the only place to get them. Oh, it's literally Nick Offerman? Yeah. They don't make an 11 for some reason. That's pretty cool. What? It is pretty cool. To be on that. That really is Nick Offerman. I thought you were kidding. Oh, no. No, that's a good joke. I would never say that. No, no. He's a partner. Wow. Ooh.

Damn. This is gripping radio. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know, right? Did I derail it by asking for a fucking... No, well, I derailed to ask about... What's in the box here? The studio. Two cigars for later, some Olmex for foundation. What's in the box? What's in the box? Why don't you go to a different video, Matt, if this isn't... It looks like you're... Why don't you check your email?

It looks like you're near the hobo move where they knock the shit out of it. All right, Salacus is all over the road here. Have you ever seen this, Sam? Donald Trump? No, I haven't seen it. Has anybody ever tried? Seriously, the new store is made out of paper, right? It says you drink it. If you have a nice time like this time, this would have no chance. By the time you get finished, the store is totally disintegrated. Does anybody walk around with a plastic straw?

Boom, boom. Tim Young made this. Who's Tim Young? Comedian. Is Tim Young the one who took over Tig's account? I think so, yeah. Did you see the tweet he wrote about the women's soccer? What? It's a doozy. I don't want to ruin it. I'm going to jumble it all up, but it's comedy. Let's read it.

How's that McKenna? 10 year, baby. It's not bad. Oh, what an asshole. That's what you're supposed to say. How's that free 10 year old scotch you just stole? That's okay. It's Kentucky bourbon. Salakies, you've lost your touch. Oh my God, dude. This is brutal. By the way, we still haven't seen Raymond, the basketball player. Is that it, Mark? I believe. Yeah, yeah. What does that say?

The shocking and totally unexpected loss by the U.S. women's soccer team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to our once great nation. Crooked Joe Biden. Oh, that's awesome. Many of our players were openly hostile to America. No other country behaved in such a manner or even close. Woke equals failure. Nice shot, Megan. Nice shot, Megan.

Oh, they go at it. I forgot to go at it. Nice shot, Megan. That is amazing. It's Biden's fault they lost. That's so funny. I mean, he might be right. They're only hiring women. That is so fucking funny.

He loves to rub it in. He loves to rub it in. She missed like a big shot. It ruined the whole game for him. Yeah. That's great. I got something else here. It's a bit of a mystery. I'm just going to play it. Oh, God. Okay. Raymond? Is that Ronan? It looks like Ronan. What is this? Is he eating crayons? This is Joe and Ronan talk movies. Oh, my Lord. It is Ronan. Holy shit. Oh, my God.

That's emblematic of what's happening to our country. Oh my gosh. That's fentanyl. What the fuck's he eating? What the fuck was it? Oh, I sent this one and this one's kind of fun. Okay, here we go. Sal accuses it back on it. This is Vitor's new half-hour special. Yeah.

This is the good side of social media. That's pretty good. No hatred. Right. Just two people dancing, talking about their chai drink. Oh, is that what that was? Yeah. They don't have internet, so they'll never see this. It's so catchy. Can I tell if it's Funhaus or they're small people? He's got real bow leg. He's lower than the car. Look at that bike. It's towering. Oh, good point. Good point. It looks normal. Like a head size is all. It does look normal.

Okay, good one. Oh, this is a good one. This is a good one here. They really sit up there and let... Chaotic. So chaotic. What's your relationship status today? I mean, you can see, man, my relationship status, man. These my queens. These my beautiful girls right here, man. These the girls that hold me down. They take care of me. They do everything for me, man. They eat my butt. All of them. They eat my butt.

Back to back. Sometimes together, sometimes they take turns. They're the ones who make me feel like the king that I am. You understand what I'm saying? Without them, I wouldn't be nothing. I disagree. America's in a great place. What a country.

Well, the only way I could know that you're worthy of eating my butt is by the way you treat me. Before you can even be able to eat my butt, you got to cater to me. You got to show me that you're willing to sacrifice for me. You got to show me that you love me. You got to show me that you're going to put work in for me, that you're going to ride for me, that you're going to be loyal to me, that you're going to be faithful to me. And once you show me all of these things, then I will allow you to eat my butt. Because that's the only way you can do this to me.

This guy's got it figured out. This guy's got it. He's not chaotic at all. I love that the interviewer is really asking the hard questions, too. Yeah. And what does it take to eat your butt? I'll be like, you've got to jump through hoops to eat someone else's ass. It's like he needs to trust them. I can't have someone I don't trust eating my butt. They might take a bite. That's inner circle. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, inner circle. Hey. I don't even think that was on purpose. No, it was not. I'll take credit for it, though. There you go.

You finally stumbled into something good. What's this?

No, let me tell you something, brother. When you walk in this bean shop, I'm surprised that you still got the shirt on, Jack. Do I need to tell you something? Oh, sure. The first time I met you, I was only three years old. But now I'm six years old. So now we gotta take it to a great level. Just like when you pressed that no-good stinky giant over your head and slammed him right through the table. And from the 90s to the 2000s, Hulkamania.

So what are they going to do when the power of the Hulk should become the Hulkster and the dual 24 inch python run wild on you? This is great. That is some feel good content. I got to give it something nice. Brad Williams is a Halloween cut. That is a...

Did you see the doc they did the doc on Hulk Hogan versus Gawker? No, it's fucking pretty well destroyed Gawker destroyed Somebody back him Peter Thiel because he was like I hate Gawker So I'll just give you all the money you need for your defense out of them They had a Peter Thiel and he was like fuck you I'll destroy you when I get a chance and he was like I got a horse to back now any back to whole cool. Wow Don't fucking a billion. It was like 140 million and we don't have that fucking money. Oh

Few do. Wow. Get out of business. I used to love the Gawker blind items where it was just a rumor. And once it was like, Louis is dating a comedian. And everyone thought it was Michelle Wolf. You started that. I didn't start it. I was making fun of her at the cellar. Red hair. And it was like, not at all.

He's got a big mop of red hair. That's one of the best lines ever in Curb. What's it, Cheryl's dad? We watched that carrot top the other day. He's funny. He's got a big mop of red hair. That's such a perfect thing that a non-comic would say. I feel like we have to go. You're almost at half hour. I'm here on your time. We're wrapping up in a minute anyway. You're paying for it. Okay. Do we get the chair video or the boat? Yeah, I want to see the boat brawl.

Oh, dude, this is a lot for a shot. Have you covered the fucking baseball brawl? No. Oh, it was so sweet. It was so sweet. He was like, let's go. I was like, all right. How often is a punch actually thrown? At second base. I've never seen anyone knocked out in a baseball brawl. He connected that shot. He kind of went down. He kind of like...

Stiff. Tensed up, yeah. Most of them are tough dudes who just don't know how to throw a punch. I remember when Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson, if you could pull that clip off, that's one of the funniest fights. Neither of them knew how to throw a punch. Yeah. Manute Bull was always like, you just get inside him. Larry Johnson and Manute Bull was pretty great. These guys are not, they're just ducking. Well, I love that the ref lets it happen. He's like, all right, fucking square off. What is this, audio?

Oh, Salakius. Jesus Christ. You're such a... Oh, we got a play-by-play. Goddamn. I think it's because the MLB is so shitty about... Oh, here it comes. That's the one. Let it play there. It's playing. I know. I'm yelling at the guy in the corner. That's why the MLB is so unpopular. I've seen it. John Boy has it. Because every other sport just let people... They let people post shit. I got back... I love how he's like, you've been dirty for a while. I've been waiting for the chance to fight you. Did he say that? Yeah. Dang.

After it showed no regret, his own agent showed him in boxing gloves. It was great. Everybody backed that guy. He was like, fuck this dirty player. Nolan Ryan fucked up Robin Ventura a little bit. That was great. That was a good one. That stood up for all. He didn't get ejected. Yeah. Fun fact about that game. That's a clip to pull up. And I watched that doc, by the way. That's a great doc. You know who is the voiceover? Mike McRae. Do you guys know McRae? Oh, Mike McRae. Great comic. Austin guy. Yeah, he does voices. He was in Houston originally, but.

Also, the Chanho Park one is pretty great. Hey, the regs. Look at that. The Robin Ventura one, it was like the first time a pitcher stood up for himself. Oh, really? It was like, yeah. First time ever? No. They never fucking punched hard like that. Is this Ryan? I don't know why it's six minutes, but there it goes. Big screen. Ventura's like a kid, too. Big screen. Look at that.

Oh, headlock. Oh, that's the worst. Oh, and he's like, fuck me. God damn it. I think the uppercuts. I think Nolan Ryan's like 46 and Robin Verteur's 23 or something. Wow. It's all man strength. Another great one is Aaron Sealy hits George Bell. He charges and Mo Vaughn comes out of nowhere and fucking nails him. Mo Vaughn. Aaron Sealy. Do Mo Vaughn.

Oh, he took it well. There it comes. He never went down. This is a great one. This is four minutes and 40 seconds. Baseball in the 90s was so much better. It was so fun. In college, you see a guy lays down a bunt so he can attack the pitcher. Big screen. Left side of the screen. I can't see anything. Oh, there you go. Good job, Mo Vaughn. That's a fun one. Look at the melee out here. It's a brouhaha.

I think I played that room. I did too. Connecticut. Is that New Haven? Oh, Hartford. Oh, Hartford. I did a New Year's Eve there one year. I walked off stage. I hope for you. You walked off stage? You were so bad. Why'd you walk off? That might have been 09? Because they handed out. No, I was newly. I was like a month sober. It must have been 2013. Oh.

January 2013. Guzzling cocktails like there was no tomorrow. I was doing New Year's Eve, and it was a two-man show. The opener did 40, and I was doing 50. That was the system they came up with. So a guy just walks up cold and does 40 minutes. Wow. And then I was on, and at 12.52, I was supposed to take it to midnight and do the countdown. At 12.52, they just start wheeling out fucking noisemakers and champagne stuff. Oh, yeah. Everyone's like, what?

And I just walked up. I was like, I'll just come back at 11.59. This is insane. And so that's what I did. They always do that. It's a mistake they always make. It's so dumb. Just give them 20 minutes to say your piece or whatever. Make one last apology. Yeah. Oh, cereal's weird. No, we want to celebrate. What?

Why do we have to ring in the New Year with them? I once did a 6 p.m., 8 p.m. New Year's night, and it was the best New Year's ever. Yeah. Go out, do your blow, and fucking enjoy. I haven't worked New Year's in years. Yeah, it's pointless. I love it. The money's better. The money's better, but it's lame. It's like the show is the same. It's a bad night. No one wants to do it either, yeah. Yeah.

We all hated him. What is this? Ari brought this one up. This is a guy who got a little chin music, and then he lays down a bunt just so he can blow up the pitch. It's a great bunt, too. Oh, he knocks him. Look at it. Nope, never made it to first. He got up, though. The guy got up. Another great one. Sorry. Izzy Alcantara. Izzy. Alcantara. Do you know that one? No. Izzy. Izzy Al. Yeah, there you go. It just popped up.

This is the pay for the Patek at Red Sox. Well, give us a context. Before he charges, he gets hit. We've lost every female listener ever right here. They're just dudes watching fights. We lost them when Ari walked in. So he throws at him. The catcher always tries to stop you. Oh, wow. That was pretty genius. That was pretty genius. Pretty good. Take the catcher out of the equation. Oh, he despeared him. That never works, by the way. Yeah. All right. He goes fishing. That catcher.

That guy got it. Oh, that was great. That was so smart. But he had a face mask. I love how these guys are like, when I get hit, they have time to think about it. Like, how would I do it differently? Ventura was like, rolling around, I was like, I'll put him in a head. They always go low. You're just waiting for the chance. This guy was like, don't let the catcher catch up with you. I heard the story with Ventura. Ventura. That guy died this week. Robin Ventura? Yes, he did.

No. The guy from Ace Ventura. Oh. The landlord. Yeah, he was on Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. Salamanca. That's what I call you. Yeah. He's most known for Ace Ventura Landlord. Ventura. Fiber. Fiber. Fiber.

What the hell was I going to say? Oh, the story about Ventura was supposedly they had been beefing the White Sox and Rangers in the clubhouse. They were like, if they throw at us, we're fucking charging them out. I don't care who it is or what it is. And so Ventura, this poor kid who just came up, gets hit and was like, all right, I guess I got to charge them out. And then this old timer just beats the snot out of him. Ah, that's a shame. And continued to pitch in the game. I love it. Yeah. Oh,

Is baseball fucked? Is it done? No. No, baseball's a lot of fun. They've changed the rules. This year's gotten better again. Yeah, as the Yankees get worse, baseball gets better. Yeah, they suck. That's true. So do the Red Sox. Oh!

We got a melee. Yeah, but the Yankees were supposed to be good. I know. Okay. Yeah. No, the Orioles are fucking good. The Orioles. It's wild. Baltimore needs a win. Well, Ari's a big Yankee, Cowboy, Duke University. Number one teams. Number one teams. USA. Duke the rapier. He loves Sweden. Women's soccer. Wait, no, no. Penn State. Sorry. Wait, what am I thinking of? Lacrosse? Lacrosse. Yeah. Sorry. They were innocent. That's true.

Not have been great. It was a good time with friends. Well, you guys got any plugs? You got a special out? He needs a few plugs up top. Hello. I got a butt plug back downstairs. Hello. It hurt pretty bad. I didn't like it. Yeah, I'll talk to you about it later. Thanks, Hal.

You calling show business? I got a special out on YouTube right now. I assume it's out right now. It's called Enough for Everybody. It's on YouTube. Go watch it. Subscribe. There's one before that called This Year's Material and one before that called I Hate Myself. Look at the baby's name. I don't like this. Do you already have it?

What? The name? Yeah, he's three months old. The name. By the time this comes out, he might be. Oh, geez. She? I don't know. His name's Ari. I got a tour. I got a wrong side history tour coming. Parks Casino, Minneapolis, Madison, Kansas City, Iowa City, Boston. That one casino out here in Connecticut. Foxwoods in Mohegan Sun. Foxwoods, yeah. Indianapolis, Louisville.

All that. AriShfear.com. AriShfear.com. There's your famous pose right there. Yeah. Holding that arm. I don't know why. You stand like this sometimes. That's true. I called you on it when I said no way. Oh, Tempe, Arizona just added in December. Forget about that. Hot town. Yeah.

All right. Hey, watch Soup to Nuts on Netflix. Soup to Nuts? Give it a double upvote or whatever the hell it is. Fucking trending on Netflix the whole... Yeah, it was like number one. It was great. It was the number one thing. This writer's strike is helping me out. And get some Bodega Cat. Fuck you, The Witcher. Ha ha.

Now some queefy rom-com is number one. But hey, it was only a matter of time. And yeah, MarkNormanComedy.com for dates. I'm all over the road coming to Europe, the whole thing. Oh, nice. What do you got? I got Chicago Theater, Toronto. Chicago Theater.

York, Bethlehem. MSG is the big one. MSG. But we're theater at MSG. We got Cleveland, Ohio. Fucking what is I can't read it. You got Columbus, Indianapolis, Cincinnati. Yeah. Cincinnati, Indianapolis. And then MSG. November 4th. Don't forget about Munhall PA. That's the big one. We call it Pittsburgh here. No one knows what the fuck Munhall is. You pulled a Munson. All right, Q's, you got anything to plug?

Good. Love to hear it. Bodega Cat, too. Get your Bodega Cat whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. If I come to one of your parties and you don't have Bodega Cat, I'm leaving it. You heard it here first, folks. We'll see you all in hell.