Ep 143: Matteo Lane Gets Married?!
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Now we have to generically talk shit. Because we're on the air.

Now we're just going to sub in names. I'm excited Matt's coming. I want to say hi to him. Oh, yeah. What's up? Just tell him to come in when he gets here. I think he's coming later. I think there's a gap. Jesus. You're looking. This does not look like a dude. Stacked. Who just, I guess, just got married. That makes sense. You look beefy, man. The arms are popping. Thank you. Looking good. Thanks. I mean, this is like. It's a lot. How many days a week in the gym? Five.

Oh, damn. And do you cut out any types of food? Well, this past week I've been eating shit. But Italy shit. Italy food is no process, no chemicals. I feel like it's real food. Yeah, Italy I was good at. Italy I did really well at. But generally speaking, I mean, it was just like chicken and rice and yogurt and...

Chicken and rice is good, isn't it? It sounds great. This is the best I've ever eaten. I mean, it's not like pizza. Doesn't that piss you off when The Rock shows his cheat meal and it's like the healthiest meal I've had all week? It's just like a cup of yogurt with one strawberry. Well, it's like sushi was his cheat meal. Sushi is healthy. I thought that was healthy. It's fish. I don't know. There might be a lot of... I don't know if it's healthy. I don't think it's like... I don't know anything about sushi to tell you. I can't eat sushi. Rice has no gluten.

Fun fact. Really? So I'm not good with the gluten. I eat it, but I'm not great with it. But I'm rice all day. I love rice, but bread...

Have we just started out on a really boring... Is my workhouse bringing this podcast to a screeching halt? No, I was just kidding. That was my fault. That was my fault. It's not true. I know when you said gluten, I was like, fuck, we better move this studio to Los Angeles, I guess. I just saw sodium. I just saw panic in Sam's eye. I was like, I should probably... Hold on. Guys, everybody, keto. What do you think? Oh, yeah.

Gotta get your greens. You're married. Isn't that crazy? Whoa, yeah, I got a text from Rosebud like two days before. I was like, I heard no fanfare. I know. No pump. First of all, fuck you for doing a Friday afternoon wedding when all your friends are comedians. We had to. We had to because we did it at City Hall, which, by the way, is like getting married at Six Flags. And...

How is it like six legs? I mean, you go in a line, they rush you in. There's like photographers running around trying to get your pictures in front of this fake sort of like Capitol building looking thing. There's an old deranged man dancing. Yeah, everyone's ugly. They have funnel cake. Is that some of the rice from your chicken you ate earlier? Yeah.

And we're trying to act with seeds to catch more birds for more protein. You need more pigeons out there. We're dressed like a gay couple from like 19... Like, we own like a gay porn shop in 1976. We're dressed completely ridiculous, but, you know, there we are. You guys look like the serial killers in a David Lynch movie.

That's what we were going for. This is crazy. Aren't we cute? Very cute. I know. We look ridiculous. Yeah, I was wearing like Austin Power Boots. My friend Taylor Orier dressed us and he was like, ah, I love these boots and I don't know how you're going to feel about them. And I was like, are they Austin Power Boots? He's like, if they're too silly, we don't have to do it. I was like, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. Go all in.

So it was nobody but you guys. No, we had some people. We had a small group of people come, and we had to get a witness and stuff. Of course, we need a witness and someone to sign an affidavit. And I was like, who is the most professional person I know? I said, Liz, you're my witness. She's like, got it. And Liz was so Liz. We walked in. She had everything in a folder. And they're like, we need your ID. Here's your IDs. We need your certificate. We have your certificate. She's the best. Witness is...

Murder and weddings have similarities like witness you only hear like a murder or a wedding pronounce pronounced dead pronounced husband and husband life sentence life centers Catholics yeah You know it's funny when we got married we get married by like I don't know some some sort of judge some some lady from the Bronx and yeah you could see her because she's just doing this all fucking day so you could see her struggling like

do you take him to your lawful husband and so when we said her i do her i do she goes you may now kiss the husband and then she literally goes folds her things and goes have a nice weekend it's like a vegas wedding in new york basically yeah vegas at least if you're married by elvis there's some kind of you know magic this was just like being married in h and r block yeah it's like a dmv of marriage literally worse it was like yeah like a starbucks or something like or caribou coffee who's

drinking caribou coffee it sucks well you suck I mean look if you're in an airport sometimes you have no choice but it's not my first it's not my go to let's give you a scolding hot latte with 8 tenths of milk yeah it's all milk gross

But anyways, the wedding itself was great. And then Liz had a reception for us at the cellar and Johnny, one of the waiters, he made me this giant wedding cake for us. It was unbelievable. So I have a bunch of thank you cards. But we have some gifts for you too. You got that right. Can I open them now? Open them on air. And we got a card for you as well. And we totally got this for you. It wasn't our podcast producer who did it while we were out of town.

And we wrapped them. There was us. First, I'll open up the card. Okay, Mr. and Mr. I got a tattoo. Oh, I thought you were high-fiving me. I can high-five you. That is a cool tat. Is it? I got it in Rome and it was pretty uncomfortable. Okay, so here's to your day, your life, and your love. Here's to the two of you. Congratulations. Love, Sam Morrell, Mark Norman. I wrote that. There you go.

Alright, I'll start with this one first. And people kept saying it, like, Schultz was like, do you have a registry? I was like, I have no more space in my apartment. Do not send a New Yorker any gifts. New Yorkers are the only people who are annoyed by gifts. My mom will get me books and I'm like, what, are you trying to drown me? I know. I am so happy you sent this to me. I genuinely, I'm not making this up, I literally was like, I need to go. Yeah! Because I shaved my legs and I haven't shaved them in a while. This is great. This was laying around the studio.

No, I'm just kidding. No, I mean, even if it was, it's great. Look, I love how they circle the parts of your body where you can shave it. Yeah. Like it's some sort of CIA. All right, that's... Well, hold that up for the cameras. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to show your uncle's body. There we go. Thank you, Nana. He's shaving trim. Oh, my God, that's sweet. All right. Do you shave your pubes, or what do you do? I give it a trim around the thighs, because I get that nasty off-grown...

Thigh hair. Yeah. So I try to keep it all in this infinity. Do you know that I just bought one? Really? I have one. This is why people get registries, Mateo. No, I feel horrible. Ninja, please. Yeah, I'll take it. Take it. I'm so sorry. I can't take two. Mark's going to take Mateo's wedding gift? Best wedding ever. All right, take it, Mark.

I'm sorry. Thank you for the gift. I can't take this. I'm joking. I'm joking. But can you imagine if I had two ninja bullets in my apartment? Well, give it to a homeless guy. But I love the ninja. I mean, I use it all the time. And I feel like you do a lot of protein shakes, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. And it's good for other stuff, too.

Now we're talking. Oh, my God. This is great. Okay. A bed sheet set. Yeah. You got to get that jizz all off of the old one. Take that home. Throw your husband's face right into those, dude. That's Lacoste, baby. Yeah. You guys really were thinking about gays. Shaving our body, nutrition, and clean bed sheets. Ha ha.

There's nothing better than this. Bed sheets are the most important thing. I mean, you need good bed. Also, for how often we're on the road, you want to go home. I'm comfortable. I got home late at night from the road. I mean, probably got in like midnight. Not brutal, but late.

Collapse on the sheets. Nothing better. Nothing better. The best. And I wash my sheets once every Olympics, I'd say. Your wife washes your sheets. Really? She's better than me, but she's no prize. We get along. I'll tell you my wife. She's all right. She's in the clan, so she has to wash them a lot. But yeah.

Oh, I got you some prep. Hold on. No, I'm just kidding. I was trying to keep the gay thing. He's like, Mark, you should keep that for yourself. You might need it more than I will. After my sheets, yeah. I'll catch anything. But yeah, I got married. It's so crazy. How do you feel? I feel great. I mean, I do feel like it is. This was sudden. This was, I mean, it was wildly sudden. Yeah, my ring looks like it's from Lord of the Rings. Oh, yeah.

We went for it. And then the woman, the guy at David Uriman where we got them from was so nice. He was gay, walked in and he goes, and so he obviously helped us. But then we walked in to pick them up because they were delivered there. We're dressed in gym clothes and it was like out of movie. She's so much walked up. She's like,

And can I help you? Oh, jeez. I was like, whoa. Yeah, New York City. Someone lives in a studio killing cockroaches all day on her time off. My God. Well, she didn't, I mean, do you think just showing up like that, they would, two magicians show up. It's a lot more fun. You guys look like you're doing two at the Borgata later this week. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We look like we own two exotic tigers and we have a show in Vegas. Yes, exactly. What else do we look like? I mean, we had to roast ourselves. I mean, I just... Let's see. We look like an ad on the Subway 4 prep. Yeah, we go.

Or two really flamboyant lawyers, like Salino and Barnes kind of thing. Call 1-800-FLAMBOYANT. You look like realtors that only show suede apartments. Oh, yeah. All right. I mean, we look like lesbians.

A little bit. Don't we? A little bit. And we sort of act like lesbians. We fight like lesbians. How do lesbians fight? But you guys are fucking. Yeah, I mean, come on. Lesbians, that ends quick. But normally people fight, fight. But we're just sort of like, I felt a shift in your energy and I want to talk about that. Like it's very... That's how you fight? That's essentially, yeah. It's pretty depressing. I assumed gay couples just fenced. Yeah.

You know, when you guys got mad at each other. Do you guys, are you both in therapy? Is that why you fight like that? I'm in therapy. Yeah, he was in therapy too. He's still in therapy. People who fight in therapy are excruciating. Jonah Hill, perfect example. Those texts. Oh yeah, what the hell? But that doesn't actually shock me.

The fights take way longer because it's I feel like. Yes. That adds another. I know. That adds more time. I will say we have a problem because it loops a lot and that we have a hard time just sort of like squashing and they're not fights. I mean, they're just sort of like. I feel sad now. You're like, okay. You just keep.

feeling things it never ends let's get to the point yes I know it's hard but we're doing we're getting better you know we don't we really don't argue that much how long into the relationship did and who proposed by the way who proposes in the gay I proposed which is shocking because I bought him but um

Really? Yeah. Well, I mean, we've flipped back and forth, but... Bull Kaepernick? Like men and women? Like knee? Can I tell you that when I did it, I was so embarrassed because it was so heterosexual that I didn't even know how... I was like...

You know what I mean? Where did you propose? I got a nice hotel for us in Williamsburg that faced the whole city. I feel like most of the proposals in Williamsburg are ironic. Yeah, I brought a parrot to do it for me. That's also my shoulder pad. All the proposals are like, do you want to get married? Or whatever, I don't care. The hotel wasn't as nice as I thought. What hotel? Throw shade.

Should I sure yeah, we sit at the William Valley oh? Trash heap, but I thought it was gonna be nice, and I was like oh This is if like an elevator was made into a giant hotel like it's just first of all tonight to talk about what's up What's with the barn doors the sliding barn doors the bathroom so now everyone does have to hear me shit Yes, and then you gotta go clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk like no give me a fucking door

fucking door and there's no difference with the sound so it's like whatever is happening in that toilet right is being happening throughout the room so i'm like put your headphones on what's the school go back what's the google rating website looks good well that's what i'm saying the website for though for a five star hotel i want a four six okay well i had there was stains on the sheets i was mad also the light what kind of stains work i don't know brown yellow red brown oh

What is brown? That's only one thing that's brown. Blackface. Either someone was eating chocolate way late at night or just someone took a huge shit on the bed. Look at this review. One out of five. We booked for one night here to celebrate my husband's birthday. However, it has been an unpleasant experience for the following reasons. One, when we first checked in, the room didn't have a mini fridge. Okay, this woman seems insufferable for her dog's food. I'm just saying I don't want to hear someone's shit when they're in the bathroom. What?

I don't either. That damn barn door. Mark, what are you eating? Sorry. I don't know. That was... Mark is a cartoon character. Mark did that on cue. Dude, we... I was just in Vermont and we were in a hotel. It was like expensive for a shitty ass Hilton because that's all they had available and...

I mean, you know you're standing in a shithole and you walk in and immediately it's late at night. We get in. We're getting for the gig the next day. And some dude walks up to me and my tour manager is kind of like play defense because he thinks he recognizes me. Yeah. But he's just a drunk who sees me holding a 12 pack of seltzer and the guy thinks it's beer. So he's trying to get a beer off me.

He goes, is that beer? And I was like, ah, go away. Oh, weird. So we go in. No fucking Wi-Fi. They ended up comping tonight. There was no Wi-Fi in my room for some reason. And everyone's fucking with me. They're like, yeah, Sam, no Wi-Fi. Let me set it up. The Wi-Fi engineer comes up. He can't figure it out. Whoa. And then as he's leaving, he goes, I'm a big fan. I'm coming tomorrow night. Oh.

See, I like that. I felt bad because I couldn't be a piece of shit because when we got there, we got drinks and they kept giving us drinks. So like, we recognize you and we love you. We just want to say thank you. Have all the drinks you want. It's like, no, I can't be a piece of shit. And you're not a big drinker, so you're not even taking advantage of that. No, I had like one margarita. I'm like, woo!

you know so but the room itself was just like it's i guess it's fine but like i don't know like that new york things i feel like big cities they really skimp on the room size i new york definitely because there's just not enough i mean there's really just not enough space yeah but none of those lights worked by the way i could not figure out the lights and then they had to bring the light guy up and then the light guy couldn't figure out the lights and i'm like i'm trying to plan like a

I'm trying to fucking propose. The illusion of the getaway is gone once there's a strange man in your room. Once there's a dude trying to fix shit, you're like, I may as well be at home with my super. I thought too, it's like, okay, my house is, I literally, I'm like, I can see my house. Yeah. I could have just done this at home. I know. And it does look great. I mean, I'm sold on the website, but the views are beautiful.

Yeah, the views are unbelievable, but those views, I couldn't just go to Williamsburg myself. You know what I mean? I don't have to. How was the stay? Did you guys end up leaving some stains of your own? I hope we did. Good. Yeah. Yeah, I will say I'm embarrassed. My wedding night. Oh, shit. It's my stain alarm. No, my wedding night, we were so drunk and so exhausted, we didn't bang. And we banged the next morning.

We definitely had sex. Okay. But, you know. Yeah, I blew it. Is there a routine with gay guys? Like, which guy is a, do you switch off who comes first or what? Because, you know, in a hetero relationship, I kind of have to make sure the woman comes first. You do that? I have to make, well then, you know, she's not coming. Once I'm, the game's over once I'm out. That's true. I guess it's just like, that was the last one. Fucking. The rap.

You're so ridiculous, Mark. Mark, that was the first time I met you was 11 years ago. You were preparing for your first Conan set, and you were at the creek in a cave, and when you got off, you farted. Oh, jeez. Well, see, I never changed. I was like, who is that? He never changed. He never changed. He never evolved. Nothing. I never changed my sheets. You are. You're like a Simpsons character. You are. You've been the same. He's kind of Rick from Rick and Morty a little bit. Yeah. Fuck.

I'm like the alien from American Dad. Oh, yeah, I can see that. So you proposed on one knee. Where was the proposal? At the hotel. I had it all set up like a marry me and like a nice pretty thing. That's great. I know. That moment was really nice, like to have that moment. But then, you know. And you met this guy through Instagram? We met through Instagram in February. Who DM'd who? Me. I'm desperate. Ah!

He was doing a video where he was getting ready. You know those almost soft, soft core porn videos of guys and girls like, here's what I dressed in today. And they start in their underwear and then they pull up their clothes and stuff like that. Oh, I love those. A thirst trap type. A total thirst trap. So I was going through his Instagram. God damn, this guy's ripped. Yeah, he's hot. Hot as shit. Jesus Christ. He is really...

You're not so bad yourself, Mateo. Yeah, I look all right. I'm getting more hair transplants in January. Are you really? Really? I thought it was one and done. No, I went back for my year post, and he was really happy, and so was I, and they were so nice. And I was like, you know, I was like, honestly, I want my hair to wear really short. Like, I know you're going to fight me on this, but can I bring it in and bring in hair here? He's like, absolutely. Oh, okay. And they're going to give me more of a beard. I don't have a beard. Whoa.

Just don't overdo it as a friend. It's hair. It's hair. Okay, okay. It's hair. You see these plastic surgery ladies and they lose touch. You're going to look like Liza Minnelli in three years? Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm going on tour. It's called, it's the desperate tour. But you don't want a Madonna. You see her now and you're like, come on.

She was good until like a couple surgeries ago. She was still pretty good. That's filler and like facelifts. And so I'm literally just getting hair. Okay, okay. I just want some hair. Madonna looked good in 2008. She got plastic surgery the very first time and she looked fucking great. Yes. Back when she looked good. Yeah, she looks good there. Not at the end. Not at the end. Ah.

I don't know. Type in Madonna Plastic Surgery 2008. See what we come up with. I think I'm such a faggot. That is the year. Okay. That one. Yeah. The bottom one with whichever one. Oh, my God. Yeah. She looks like a Mortal Kombat villain. Jesus Christ. She's Zendar or whatever that is. Except you never say, get over here. Yeah. All right.

She went from a material girl to a material face, I'll tell you. Boy, she was sexy. And now there's a thing online called the Madonna Challenge. Have you seen this? No, what's that? The lady. You try to jack off to her. It's really hard. Oh, my God, Sam. Woo, count it.

Here's my thing about Madonna. I love Madonna. Madonna wants, if she wants to look that way, she has every right to look however she wants to. I don't know what it's like to be an agent. You know, all those tropes, right? But I will say when they took pictures of her at the Grammys and her immediate response was that it's a bad camera lens. It's this, it's that. It's like if you're happy with the way you look, then say, I'm happy with how I look. That's where all the bad cameras are at the award shows.

Yeah. I mean, that's the best lighting in campus. No one can afford a good camera there. I know. Poor Madonna. The Madonna Challenge is where you try to keep up with her dancing at a show, and it's insanely difficult. I tried it last night. I couldn't do like two minutes. Oh, she's an incredible dancer. Incredible, but I mean, just the stamina, the endurance it takes to do what she's doing. I can't imagine a Beyonce show or something. Can you imagine the cardio? No, I can't. And being able to have...

And singing. Singing, yeah. Like, Beyonce is singing incredibly well and fucking dancing. Crazy. And dressed in, like, the most amazing outfits you could imagine. And I don't know what she's done. I mean, she looks the same. Like, she hasn't changed.

No. She gets more fucking gorgeous every year. Beyonce, yeah. How about Britney? I mean, what's going on now with her? You a big Britney person? I actually was more of a Christina fan growing up. Well, because I like singers. But Christina's been nothing but a disappointment for the past 12 years. Oh, how so?

She just seems kind of mean and doesn't pick good music. Okay. She's an incredibly talented singer who has not chosen good... I hate to say it, but she needs like a Svengoolie to sort of like, hey, here's the music you should sing. Right. But maybe she doesn't want that career anymore. I don't know. I mean, she's been fine, I'm sure. Yeah. Genie in a Bottle was big. Yeah. But Britney, I don't know. I was... My gayness, my divas were like Mariah, Whitney. Whitney.

Patty, Aretha. Like, I wanted the singers. I wasn't so into, like, the... Yes, yes, the Fry. It was pop versus, like, actual, like... Singing. Yeah, I mean, I'm listening to, like, Aretha Franklin from 1968. Yeah, yeah.

don't really i got a lady i feel bad for you though were you at that we were at that roast together remember uh oh maybe this wasn't the one we were at together was it a roast where aretha sang oh wow it was uh you saw really frank it was a matt lauer roast uh years ago this is damn clearly years ago he couldn't leave he couldn't there's a lock on the door yeah but uh no i'm there and uh

I'm in the back and it was a fun roast. I mean, get it out of the way. Shutting him down. She does... A preemptive... Aretha Franklin does the national anthem before the roast. Wow. It was like a big get. And then Jeff Frost comes out and goes, wow, usually it's over when the fat lady sings. No.

Jesus, Jeff. She got a big one of these. Yeah, good for her. It was a different time. She flicked them off? Oh, yeah. Oh, good for her. Well, I love Aretha Franklin is the queen of shade. Oh, really? Oh, my God. The interviews they ask her, they're like, this guy's like, I just want to ask you about certain singers. Do you mind? And we just get your impression of them. She's like, yes, absolutely. Mariah Carey, a singer, a good songwriter, like Whitney. Whitney was a talent, a real talent. She goes, Alicia Keys, good songwriter. Taylor Swift.

Gorgeous gowns. Gorgeous what? Gorgeous gowns. Beautiful gowns. Wow. Gorgeous gowns. And then like Nicki Minaj, she goes, I'm just going to skip on that one. Wow. I've never seen people lose their shit in my lifetime the way I've seen. Taylor? Yeah, it's insane. I'm so. What am I missing? I don't get it. Like, I think Taylor Swift's great, super talented, great songwriter. But when you watch Whitney Houston from the 80s,

I mean, you forget what the standard was. Yes. You forget what, like, oh, yeah, we didn't need dancers. We didn't need fireworks. We didn't need this. Literally just a woman with a microphone and a piano. What about Tina Turner? Unbelievable. Love T.T. But different kind. Tina Turner was a phenomenal singer, different type of singer. Yeah. Phenomenal singer, phenomenal dancer, phenomenal entertainer, and had real charisma. I mean, she really could captivate an audience. And do you know she was like the Madonna in Europe? Really?

Oh, yeah. In America, everyone knows her and loves her. But in Europe, she was, I mean, number one. When she died, I think she was living out there. She was living in Switzerland, I think. Yeah, not Europe, but close. Is that Europe? Yeah, it's Europe. All right, sorry. I've been drinking. It's Swiss Alps. It's north of Italy. There you go. North of Italy. Well, I love it. Curveball on voices. Okay. And you're not going to like it. Sinead.

Sinead O'Connor? Yes, as a singer. I don't think technically she was a great singer, but she was probably a singer that was meant more for meaning and interpretation. Ah, okay. So I don't think it was... She wasn't like Barbra Streisand. No. Have you seen Streisand live? Oh, yeah. I'm obsessed. I grew up listening to Streisand. My aunt Sid and I are completely obsessed. And then when she was... But she was years ago...

So like five years ago, she was doing three concerts. She just for whatever reason, she was doing the United Center in Chicago, Madison Square Garden, New York, and then whatever the hell in L.A. And she sells out like that, you know? Yeah. So my aunt and I immediately bought tickets. She came out. She's like 76 at the time. She came out. She started singing. We started bawling. Wow. And she could still sing. And then Ariana Grande came out to do a duet with her. And Barbara's out singing Ariana.

And then the bomb hit. We were in Manchester. What about some dudes? All I know is Sinatra. Stevie Wonder is the greatest male singer. Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross. But Pavarotti is the single greatest voice to ever live. Even better than John Legend? John Legend's really good. Okay, okay. And I like his Christmas song. Yeah, yeah. How about, I'm thinking of other dudes. Pavarotti, though. Pull up a Pavarotti. Pavarotti, Nessun Dorma. How about like Bocelli?

Andre Bocelli is an amazing singer. I like Bocelli. He's my guy. The Three Tenors? Yeah. Oh, my God. The Three Tenors, those concerts. I like the blind thing. I like that he's blind. His son is a good looking. He looks like Bocelli's son has got all the looks. Oh, his kids are really good looking. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's got the talent and he gets to see. That's like fucked up. That's true. His dad was more, I would say, contemporary for men.

There's no other voice. Do you think when he gets in a domestic dispute, he still can raise his voice? I wonder, right? He's had a lot of domestic disputes. Trust me. He's had so many mistresses and kids. Oh, yeah. Crazy for Lambert. Did you watch his doc? Yeah. That's where I learned about it. Great doc. Same. He could not stop cheating. And you're like, this guy looks like Dom DeLuise, but if you got

Alan. No, if you got skills. You're in. Yeah. For straight people. Yes. Yes. Gay dudes are like, fuck that. Gay guys, they see me on stage. Well, I used to make this joke before I was known, but like it was hard doing gay shows when I first started doing stand up because, you know, if gays don't know who you are, they want to see women. That's how we associate comedy a lot of times or drag queens. Right. So I would get on stage and try these jokes that I was doing at the Creek in the Cave and you could just almost feel them being like, where's Kath?

- Kathy Griffin, you know. - Right. - I hear this at brunch, who cares? - Right, right. - Because gays are all funny, so they're all like, we don't, what the fuck does this guy offer? So gay shows were really, really hard in the beginning. Really hard. - Interesting. - Yeah, a gay silence is loud.

Gay shows, like gay audiences are very tough audiences because what they do is they don't respond. If you're not funny, they just turn and talk to each other. Oh, that hurts worse than heckling or anything. That's brutal. It's brutal. I did a show. I never enjoyed performing in Vermont, I got to say. No.

Really? Why? I did a show there. Well, first off- Where were you performing? Higher Ground. It's like a song- It's an Aretha Franklin song. Hey! Oh, no. Higher Love, I'm thinking. I'm sorry. Go ahead. There was no love that night, I'll tell you. No, it was- I'm doing, you know, Vermont and-

It's weird. I have a thing where, like, first off, I have a weird history. I got assaulted there. A guy smashed a pint glass over my head once. In Vermont? Yeah. I know. This peaceful ski chalet palace. Oh, dude. They're fucking... No. Ben and Jerry's. By the way, that city is... Oh, yeah. But it's yin and yang. Yeah, yeah.

You get the kind of like the hippie dippies, but then you get the dudes who are like the bros who are like the words. I wish they were in Boston. I mean, it's weird to be liberal, but also like gun people. That's what they are. That's true. They're outdoorsy. You don't see that combination like anywhere. There's no like. Especially not Manhattan. Well, there's no like conservative market that's like pro-abortion. It's just a weird. Yeah. It's a weird combo. You're right. So we, you know, we.

we're doing the show. By the way, the fucking people there are like, they're losing it. We, I'm with Brian, my tour manager. We're just taking a walk. We're gonna go play basketball at the Y. As we're walking by, there's a, there's a woman on drugs and she just turns to us and he goes, fuck both of you. I hope you suck dicks forever. Ha ha ha ha ha.

It's like all you can do is laugh. Yeah, of course. But the show is a fucking mess. It's like one of those things where they're just so – they're on drugs. They're just not laughing because they're on drugs. And it seems like they're having a great time, but I'm hating it. Oh, they're all high. This guy won't stop fucking heckling me. Then he tries to come backstage. What? And they let him backstage. What? What are you doing? They're like, oh, he works for the venue. And I'm like, oh, the guy who ruined my show?

Oh, my God. He didn't ruin it, but he was annoying as fuck. No, I hate that. No, he ruined it. Anyone who's hecklers, I have zero tolerance. They don't know when to fucking...

I have one joke that's a long story, and he just completely cut it off. And then you have to rebuild the momentum, you know? That drives me crazy. You guys have a safe word in the audience? You know, like, buy that guy a drink means throw him out? No, I say to them, I say, this person needs to go. Oh, there you go. But I will say I've been very, very, very lucky, knock on wood, that I really have quite—

well-behaved audiences. Really? Yeah, I do not deal with... Usually that's the case for me. The other shows this weekend were great. We did Providence, Northampton, and...

Albany is beautiful. The egg is beautiful. Oh, the egg's awesome. I think it's because I have a bunch of gays and we all perform so we know what it's – you know what I mean? Yeah. They have an idea of like the reddish show. But sometimes that works the other way though. Sometimes the people that are also like I do this are the worst fucking audience. But I will say I don't – they ask me what's your code word. I said there's no code word. I will say out front this person has to leave. Yeah. And I give zero – I have zero tolerance for hecklers.

Zero. But you've heard that story. And people think I'm mean, and I'm like, I don't care if I bomb. If someone's heckling the first 15 minutes, I get them out. And if I bomb for the next 45 minutes, I go to bed happy that night. I don't fucking care. Good for you, because my worry is I'll derail the show, I'll lose momentum, and I'll fuck it up.

I don't care. Not my problem. You've heard that story. I forgot who it is. It might have been like Orny Adams or someone. I do a great Orny Adams impression. Well, you could do that. So he apparently, I think it was Hilarities or something. He has a code word. His code word is get this guy a cola. And they just forgot. That's what I was getting at. That's what happened to me. He's going, get this guy a cola. Will someone get him a fucking coke?

Yeah. Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy when they get tossed. This is why I brought it up. This happened to me. I was at the Taft Theater in Cincinnati. There was a couple in the front from Kentucky going, woo, we love you, blah, blah, blah. Everything I'd say, they're like going into the setups. I'd be like, so I got a Ninja. And they're like, whoa, Ninja.

ninja you know they're just so fucked up and i my code word is tase this motherfucker because it's still kind of funny you know so i go tase this motherfucker and you know everybody laughs nothing happens and i go can someone tase this motherfucker no one does anything and then i they're gesturing me on the side of the stage and i look through the curtain and the guy's going he's like hitting a taser oh my god you want to do this and i was like no no don't actually so they just stayed the whole show damn so then after like what happened i'm like

That's sometimes my code word is actually a curb stomp this motherfucker. Mine's just, I scream faggot and they're like, who? Um, but I, I, which one, but I hate, I think I hate more than heckling. I'd rather someone purposely heckle me than someone who thinks they're supporting me by talking at me. Cause we can do something with that. Right. Right.

We can kind of yes and the heckler. That's right. But if it's someone who's just cheering you on, you're like, now you're just fucking with the flow. Yeah. And I say that I was in Houston doing a couple of shows, getting my hour together for this tour, the improv. And there were issues.

But I the audiences were fantastic. But one show there was a couple in the front. They were really talkative. And at one point I was just like, you guys, I can hear every word you're saying and it's incredibly distracting. So if you want this show to go well, can you just stop? And then they stopped.

Oh, okay. You know? Sometimes you just be honest. I know. Sometimes it's not even about the joke. You just say like, hey, I want to let you know. You know what I say a lot? If someone, like at the cellar, if someone heckles and stuff, I'm like, everyone, this person here, this is called a narcissist. Ooh.

Oh, that's good. This person... That's catty as fuck. I like it. I go in. I never yell. I never say, fuck you. You don't want to make it uncomfortable that way. And you can't bite too quickly, because I've seen... I was at the comic strip once, and I saw a comedian who's got a bit of a temper. I love the way he handled this. He just...

No one else can see what's going on except him. So he just turns around and goes, fuck you, get AIDS, bitch, and goes right back into his act. And I was like, you can't bite that quickly, dude. Wow. I've seen some comics, some pro comics, like, you know, that go in. And I was talking to Sarah Talamash years ago. We were at the stand years ago, the old stand, and she goes, someone was talking about, oh, they got into a fight with a heckler, and Sarah goes, you know...

I think almost 100% of the time I'm on the comic side. And I was like, yeah, me too. Yeah. Usually. Although one time I did see one where a comic snapped at a guy at Stand Up New York. And it escalated really quickly. And a guy in the front row, an old guy, goes, tell a fucking joke. The comedian puts the mic down and does this.

So I'm kind of like, what the fuck? Is there a fight about to go down? This comedian, I'm like, he will kick this guy's ass. So I turn to the host. I'm like, yeah, you should probably do something. The host takes out a camera phone and starts recording it. That was his idea of do something. I'm like, fucking take him off stage or do, you know. Yeah, yeah. So what happened? I don't know.

The guy got off stage and he left. Wow. You just can't. No fight happened. The trick is you can't like scream and yell. You can't actually fight because you are trying to like keep the temperature in the room. You just have to be. My approach is always like I'm just super direct and honest. I'll say like I'm just letting everybody know like it's really difficult on stage when I have a rhythm of how I

speak and if someone keeps talking to me that rhythm gets ruined I can't hear myself and then the joke is ruined and then there's you know a thousand people here and then the show is ruined for you guys like I'm just explaining to what's going on and then people kind of you have to get them on your side because otherwise we just look like crazy people like shut the fuck up exactly like the person in the balcony is like what yes you're like some diva but you ever have the thing where you're like hey could you guys stop talking they're like oh fuck you and you're like wait why are you mad at me you're the one talking at a show and

I hate that. And you don't want to come off like a dick. I had a thing. We were taking the car service back yesterday from Albany. It's me. I just love our lives, by the way. I love it. Car service, my tour manager. This hotel stinks. One with Gary Veeder who opens, James who films, and fucking Brian, the tour manager. Brian is so direct that it's uncomfortable. Yeah.

uh the driver won't shut the fuck up he like keeps telling us bad jokes and they don't have endings they're jokes where they're just like and we're like going over the set and we're talking about stuff we're talking about gary's special we're talking about like you know we're working on a show together and then he just keeps cutting off he's like i got another one for you we're like oh boy and there's no ending so we're just sitting there pausing like waiting on a punch line and then he takes a phone call it's like a loud phone call yeah it's like an expensive car service so i kind of give my twin major mind a look like this and he and he gives me a look like i got

this and I'm like I don't know what I got this he turns to the guy goes we'd like a quiet car for the rest of the turn and I'm like what the fuck dude this guy's gonna drive us off the road yeah I love it you crushed this guy I love it I loved it too but I was like goddamn I mean I couldn't do it I couldn't do that Schumer used to do that kind of stuff and I was like I wanted to like hide in my own asshole I was so uncomfortable I saw Amy do that before too and I was like this is pretty cool she's a pro I just I don't have that uh that spine I

It just depends on the situation, I think, for me. But I will say 99% of the time, my audiences are great. Totally. I'm having issues, though, with the sound at theaters where I touch the mic and no matter where I touch it, it's like...

Oh, interesting. And it happened at one theater and I stood on the stage. I go, hey, this mic is making this noise. And then the sound guy goes, well, what do you want me to do? And I go, I don't know. This might surprise you, but I'm not the sound guy. And he goes, well, that's just the way our mics sound. I said, let me get this straight. You have a 3,000 seat theater here. And this is the first time you've ever heard a problem with the microphone. He goes, well, maybe I'll get some duct tape and put it around. And I go, you can do whatever you want. I was like, but we just need to fix the problem.

And they're holding the room, right? So the whole staff is there, like all the ushers and everybody's in there. And I'm on stage going back with the sound guy. And he's making zero effort to fix it. And at one point he goes, you're just going to have to deal with it. Whoa. And I go, I promise you, I am not leaving this stage until you do your job. And then my tour manager calls her sound guy. And she goes, he said, change the channel.

So they change a channel, problem fixed. Wow, that guy should be fired. I don't even get me started. That's the job, right? There was a certain theater, very big theater, very big moment for me. And two things happened. One, my host walks on stage. As he's walking on stage, they're not playing the music. The second he grabs the mic and says hello, they start playing the music.

That's happened to me before. I turn to the sound guy and I say, hey, you need to play the music the second he walks out. And I'm not like Hasan Minhaj. Like, I don't have like a giant screen behind me and views and things that are, you know, like really, you got to get it right. It's like, just play the music. So then Emma's opening for me. And in the middle of Emma's set, they start blasting my closer music. What song is it? Annie Lennox walking on broken glass.

So in the middle of it, Emma says like, walking on, walking on broken glass. I, my head whipped to the stage manager. This is the same guy? Same, same. Yes. And I said, what the fuck are you doing? And he was like,

sorry, his hand slipped, his hand slipped. I, that happens. Yeah. I was on stage the whole time in a rage. Like I did it, but the back of my head, when I left, I saw the sound guy talking to my tour manager and he goes, Mateo, we're really sorry about that hiccup. I said, you should be and tell your sound guy I'm fucking pissed. And I left. Good. I was mad. Happened to Gary, happened to Gary, but the song is, I have him come out to is I'm a bitch by Meredith Brooks. So what happened to him? Yeah. Ah,

But at least you can use that. It's a funny song. It's a funny tune. It's a funny song for Gary to walk out to. Yeah. Do we just sound, does your audience like we talk this inside baseball? Sure. Yeah, well, this is a funny story. Oh, play the clip I sent you. Play the, I sent the, I've never seen this. And I don't know, you guys have probably seen it, but I saw it for the first time. This? I've never seen this. And we can't stop doing it. Wait, I have seen this. This is a real scene from Intervention. I know this. Yeah. Wait, are you just pulling this out of, out of,

Pull it out. Okay, okay. It's fine. We'll go back into other stuff. No, we can... No, no, no. He told the story. Oh, okay. Is there more there? No, no, no. I don't know what this is. But this is unhinged. Trying to eat well is exhausting, but when you change your atmosphere, you can also change your habits. With Factor, it's easier to heat up a delicious, healthy meal than it is to hit a drive-thru. Factor is America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit.

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for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem your code DRUNK for $20 off. Sorry. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed. Use promo code DRUNK. $20 off. This is from Intervention. Somewhere deep down in my heart. That's a real Pavarotti, this guy. Great voice. I still love you. It is.

What the fuck? Is this being Bobby Brown? It just sucks to have a bad cry. Yeah. Here's the thing. That show bothered me because I just felt like they were completely taking advantage of the people. Clearly. Of course, of course. Like that woman who was addicted to the sufferer or whatever, and she was like, I said walking on sand.

sunshine i was like okay so like for the rest of her life like that's what allison has to be associated with that well she signed the release you know that's how they get you do you think that guy knows he has an awful cry until he's i think when you're on intervention that's the least of your worries like this man is clearly doing so much crystal meth that he's now on a and e or whatever fucking channel it used to be on with his family being like i love you with lights and sounds

Like they had to get miked for that. Like it's bad. I wish a woman I broke up with had that cry. So I would have no second thoughts. Right. Cause if you're just like, I think we should see other people. She was like, I'd be like, Oh, thank God. This is the right choice. Yeah. You know, those guys in the sound was like, go with the headphones. Like Jesus Christ. That totally came out of nowhere. Can we watch more clips and make fun of that? I don't know. Yeah, we're sure. I just did a whole, uh, my,

and Gabby Bell's got a really fun YouTube channel and we watched, remember the Magic Bullet, the infomercial? Yes. We sat and watched the whole thing and read it for filth and there's nothing better than infomercials. Oh, so funny. Don't do that one. That one's super current. Is there any other shit? Yeah, these are current. Who's this? These are really current and this is not coming out for a minute. Okay, so let's deal with it. Wow. Is that a joke? Fucking diva. Stomach pain.

Oh, geez. I hope it's guilt. Too much pussy. Yeah. He swallowed a pube. Women. Okay. So you're dating or you're engaged or you're newly married or you're single. Okay. And you don't want to end up with a corn addict. You don't want to end up marrying someone. If you are against a relationship. So they're saying corn because porn gets flagged by TikTok. I didn't know that. Because she's this woman. I haven't seen this, but I've heard about this.

Yeah, she's like a fucking... This woman is the woman who was really mad about Oppenheimer, right? Can you get the other clip? Why? Why was she mad about Oppenheimer? Because Florence Pugh is naked in it. I haven't seen the clips, but I've heard about this. Can you pull up the other one? Not against her will. Is she like super Christian? Yeah, she is.

By the way, that's what's bothering you about Oppenheimer, not the fucking 200,000 Japanese people got murdered. You're mad about tits? It was so good, by the way. Oh, thanks, man. What did you say? Oh, jeez, tell that to Joe Liss. Oh, really? Why? I posted a clip of me and Will fucking around with it. Uh...

Any advice for my husband and I wanting to watch Oppenheimer but being fully afraid of the Florence Houston everyone's talking about? There's two. Have you guys seen Oppenheimer yet? No, not yet. I think it's really good. I'm dying to see it. My friend Nick, he's such an idiot when it comes to history. He was watching Oppenheimer and he goes, why the hell do they keep talking about the Nazis? Isn't this Japan? You're an idiot. That's amazing. It's fucking hilarious.

I research everything before we watch it. Do you? But especially this movie, obviously I heard about it. Yes, we wanted to see it. It has an amazing rating. We prepared ourselves. I didn't know when the scene was going to happen and I also didn't understand how the scene was happening. I thought it was just several minutes straight of what it wasn't. It was actually broken up into like... Wow. This is wild. There were also two nukes, you dumb bitch. Yeah, there's a genocide. It was like very, you know, back and forth.

So it was really difficult to avoid it.

But obviously my husband and I talk about everything. If we go anywhere. You don't talk about everything. Man, you always wonder who likes John Crist. All right. I like John. He's a nice guy. Let's get the boom mic in there. Oh, that's a fan blade. You're talking about being triggered by nudity during a war film. Yes. Yes. With a lot of murder. Knowing that like how many millions of people in Hiroshima are going to die and she's worried about a dick.

Or tits. Tits. Crazy. I thought the tits would be like a relief. So essentially what we did was when the scene came up, when things were happening, he literally closed his eyes and laid his head on my shoulder. If this is my shoulder, this is my shoulder. Your husband is gay. Yeah. I don't know her husband, but I know he's gay. Literally, I will tell you what right now, took nothing away from the story. Him not looking at the screen during...

You're an adult. I know. They must not have sex. By the way, this is what my mom did to me when we saw He Got Game in a theater. She put her hands over my eyes so I couldn't see the titties. Really? Yeah. And she did it to me during Grifters. He Got Game? Is that the one where he dresses up in drag to play...

That's Juana Mann. That's it. He got games like in a good movie. That's Spike Lee. Very good. Is it? Okay. Yeah, Denzel. Yeah, it's a good flick. But she did to me during Grifters, too. Fucking Annette Bening's perfect young titties. Oh, pull them up. Annette Bening was a fucking dime piece. Oh, yeah. I don't remember ever seeing her young. I think she was hot older. I literally- I think she's hot in American Beauty. Very hot in that. With the legs up, getting plowed by Peter Gallagher. Oof.

I don't know if I'm with you on this one. Dude, she pulled prime Warren Beatty. Are you out of your fucking mind? Warren Beatty was so hot. Warren Beatty's a handsome guy. Do you know how much pussy Warren Beatty was getting? Okay, I like that one.

All right, don't go to the old bag. What are we doing here, Peters? You'd still hit it, dude, out of respect. I'm sure I would. I saw her on a plane once with Warren Beatty. Man, he was handsome. Oh, my God. Madonna dated Warren Beatty? Oh, yeah. She pulled prime. He was bugsy. I think he was also probably Odine on Punani. Who do you think is the hottest woman in the world?

and man of all time. Wow, you can't do that. It's fucking... Beauty is subjective. If you had to pick for yourself. Hottest man. And hottest woman. Paul Newman's in the conversation. Look at Paul Newman. Young Paul Newman's hot as shit. Oh yeah, that's a good dude, Paul.

Those fucking eyes? Come on, dude. It's a different era, but yeah. Different era, yeah, I guess. Young Marlon Brando for me is... He is a hot guy. That's a hot. Handsome hunk of junk. You're typing young Marlon Brando. Yeah, well, like, we're talking like... What's the fucking... I think we did this last time. Did we? Yeah, I think so. Did we really? That's actually hysterical. I mean, Madonna. Like, he's like... Yeah, he's got good features. That's a man right there. And a lot of, like, leading men back there weren't necessarily hot. They were just cool, like, bogey. Right.

Right. Bogey's a weird looking dude. He is, yeah. But he's awesome. But it made it work. Yeah. I do think Halle Berry is the most beautiful person to ever live. She's hot. She's up there. She's up there. I just don't think there's... I was watching X-Men. Young Angelina Jolie. Yeah, that's on my top. That's top five for me. She's interesting looking. Yeah, yeah. She's beautiful, but never like... I don't know. She never quite... Dude, pull up some prime Angelina. Oh, you can't beat... I go Ang over Halle Berry.

Halle Berry's hot as fuck. Oh my god. She's fucking stunning. Actually, young Sophia Loren. Oh, that's in there. I would say young Sophia Loren. Dude, come on. She's gorgeous. Are you kidding? A little too young. Before the no job, before the job, before the muscle fat removal. That is a natural beauty. That's insane that that's natural. And she was nude in a lot of movies too. Her kids look literally a perfect blend between Brad Pitt and her. Can't go wrong there. I'm Eugene. Stunning.

Wow. Almost as good as these free jeans I got from Dewar. Thank you, guys. Yeah, I'm wearing Dewar. Type in young Sophia Loren. Yeah. There you go. All right, all right. How did we get on this? Oh, that Christian girl. How did you find her, Sam? It was going. A few people sent it to me yesterday. It's just all over the internet. I didn't even watch it, though, because I want to save it for this.

Cary Grant's a handsome dude too, by the way. Yeah, but I think Matteo's issue back then is Matteo's a big body guy. And those dudes back then had shit bodies. No, not so much about the body guy, even though I just married Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's such a great picture. Manfield. Manfield was a dime piece. So was fucking Mariska Hargitay, though, her daughter. Early SVU. Mariska Hargitay. I can never say her name. She's gorgeous. Beautiful face. Manfield. Good name for a gay bar. Hold on now.

Go to Cary Grant. He's a hand. Do you know Cary Grant? He's like the George Clooney of the 40s. Is this a hot guy?

Fuck yeah. I mean, it's a different era again. But look at the pool. Very cute face. Yeah. He's handsome. Okay. He was a handsome leading. And he could do comedy or drama. Yeah. Hitchcock, Notorious. Right. To Catch a Thief. Yes. All those old flicks. Is that a gay photo of him? Oh, maybe. He dabbled. Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, good for him. He got a lot hotter. Yeah.

Oh, dude, you know what that movie, Arsenic and Old Lace, that's like a Michelle Wolfe favorite. It's like an old comedy he did. It's funny as shit. Really? Slapstick, weird. I know it's a little hacky, but I do think that Emrata is very attractive. I like a different look. I like an exotic kind of not a classic. I've seen her in person, though. She looks a lot like, and this is not taken away, but a little bit like the alien in Mars Attacks. I'm okay with that. Walks like this. A little bit. That was a cute alien. Yeah.

Look, I'm not saying I wouldn't fuck the alien. By the way, no one's funnier than Martin Short. I love Martin Short. I've been watching Only Murders in the Building, and he is so fucking funny. Have you seen Jiminy Glick? Oh, the best. The best. The best with his Jiminy Glick. It's so funny. I can't get enough of it. It's ahead of its time. It's like pre-Two Ferns and all that. It's gold. You're right. Holy shit. And he was so mean to those celebrities. So mean. And they took it.

It's very two ferns. He shits on Seinfeld all day and Seinfeld's on the floor. Seinfeld let him have it too. Yeah, that's true. My favorite dude was interviewing Eddie Falco and he was like...

you Italians try not to kill people. And she goes, why do Italians try not to kill people? He asked Mel Brooks, he goes, what's your big beef with the Nazis? Ah, that's amazing. Wow. That's amazing. Fucking Mel Brooks, man. That alien's hot. Mel Brooks is, we used to watch Mel Brooks movies all the time.

all the time as a kid. - What was your favorite? - Blazing Saddle. I love Blazing Saddle, but Young Frankenstein is my favorite. ♪ The dollar rich ♪ Yeah, it's so good. I used to imitate Madeleine Kahn, the ♪ Tired, sick and tired of love ♪ I had no idea what it was about, but I just was drawn to her. - She's amazing. - You know she was an unbelievable opera singer? - What? - Go to Madeleine Kahn, Glitter and Gay, it's a song.

And just skip halfway through. She was hot, too. Oh, my God. She's top, top, top, top, top. Yeah, click on that one and just skip like three quarters of the way through.

Uh-oh. She was an unbelievable opera singer. Oh, yes. She was fully trained like the real deal. And you would never know because in that movie she was tired. Yeah. Right. Well, her like Will Ferrell. I think you can be funnier when you train serious. I agree. He was like a Shakespearean actor. Like a Leslie Nielsen. Yes.

Well, this is she made this song comedy, too. Now we're talking. We're talking hot. Do we take in longevity? Does that play a role? We talk in peak or we talk like Jane Fonda's got longevity. I feel like she's still hot. Jane Fonda looks great. Sharon Stone looks great. She does. Pull her up. Sharon Stone today looks absolutely great. I think Sofia Vergara will look the same till she dies.

You know what's so fucking funny, though? Think about how deprived everyone was. Like, the basic instincts... No Botox filler and... No, no. I'm talking about, like, the scene in Basic Instincts where she does this, and she shows her beaver for, like, literally...

three seconds and everyone's like, oh my god, that's the hottest scene. And now the internet, I mean, that's like, that should be PG. That should be in a kid's film. That's like an 18-year-old's Instagram post. It's not even like a thing anymore. Yeah. I mean, she looks great. She looks great. Hanging in there. Fucking J-Lo looks great. Oh, J-Lo, that's another one. She will never...

You know, Mariah, as cuckoo bananas as she is, Mariah looks good. Yeah. Mariah doesn't change. Those fucking roller skates with the short shorts in fantasy. If you can pull that photo, I've jerked off to that poster. I did a Mexican TV show once called Noches con Platinito. Have either one of you done it before? No, I don't remember that. Okay, well, it's embarrassing. But they dressed me up like Mariah in fantasy, and I was rollerblading around in a wig, and they all just...

And they were playing fantasy. I'm like, there's no way they got the rights to this music. That's the one. No, that's from Glitter. Type in Mariah Carey fantasy music video. Okay. I have J's on that poster. Sorry. Mariah is hot. Hot, hot. Big cans, too. Big lips. Lips definitely help. Lips are good.

Both of them. Ugh, I miss young Mariah Carey. Mark, who else is in the convo for you? For women, I do like, what's her face? Salma Hayek. Gorgeous. And I like Penelope Cruz. Gorgeous. And I like

Ethan Simmons Patterson and I just saw this Italian movie with her in it. And she speaks Italian the whole film. How many languages can she act in? She probably, I mean, she was a Spanish woman living in Italy. So every once in a while she would say something Spanish. But I'm fluent in Italian and she was A+. Wow, that's impressive. And fucking smoking hot. Yeah, beautiful. She's so good in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Oh, is she hot in that? I was supposed to be in that role.

I auditioned. I used to joke with Liza, because I do believe Liza Minnelli thinks that she could audition for any role. Yeah, yeah. And I would do this on Fortnite with my friends all the time. I was like, I was auditioning for Tomb Raider. And it was down to me and Angelina Jolie. And I said, Angelina, whichever one of us gets it, it's meant to be.

Natalie Portman, I know it's a half-wit. Oh, gorgeous. No, no, no, gorgeous. I saw her on Broadway as Anne Frank. Oh, that's right. She played Anne Frank. She's a Jew. Oh, I'd charge that out of you. Yeah. Good for her.

But I just can't imagine you going to watch The Diary of Anne Frank. How old were you? I was a kid. My parents took me. I wasn't like, let's fucking do this. That's good truth. I do love it about you that you're just like such a New Yorker that you were seeing Broadway shows when you were a kid. That's why I remember when we were up there riffing, you didn't think I'd know that much about Broadway. I loved it. That was such a great clip. We should do it again. We're doing it in Chicago, baby. We should do it.

At least, I mean, you do whatever you do at your show, but at my show, we're definitely doing it. We're doing back-to-back in Chicago. I heard. Chicago Theater. Both of you in Chicago Theater. September 29th, September 30th. That's incredible. So you guys will stay an extra day? The Chi-Town Kids ride again. I'm going to sign the wall right under Liza Minnelli.

Oh, that's great. Because I'm open for Aziz there and open for Schultz there. And so now that I'm performing there, I'm like, okay, I know where that Liza signature is on the wall. And I'm going to sign right under Mateo Lane. Hometown boy makes good. Yeah, we were open for Aziz there together. I remember that. Oh, my God. My family doesn't know you're coming. They're going to die. Oh, surprise them. We'll do a success with him. We'll do a...

I'm pumped. Yeah, I got in a day early anyway. Perfect. Just because the big ones, you kind of want to chill. Also, it's a great – Chicago is one of the best cities. It's the best. Did my special there. You too. Just don't get hammered the night before, which is so hard because you want to be fresh for the show. It's a drinking city. It really is. I grew up there. It is a drinking city. Do you ever drink Malort? Yeah.

Yes, I know. It's disgusting. It is disgusting. I can't believe you know what that is. Of course. They made you try it. Every time for years. I got Sam's deep dish pizza for the first time. Oh, wow. He loved it. Really? Where'd we go? Lumonati's? Lumonati's. We got fresh deep dish pizza. People hate that. People hate on it, though, because I always say I loved it, and people were like, fuck you, Peck Quads. It turns out no one likes deep dish pizza except Chicagoans, and we're fine with it. I'm a thin crust guy for sure. That was a terrible idea. I'll tell you, man. It'll put you out.

We made the mistake. We eat way too much on my tour because I have Gary opening. So every meal is family style, huge. It's comical. We ended the show and we wanted to leave right after Albany. So we got a huge meal before Middle Eastern food. We've been eating this shit like hummus, gassy stuff all day. I'm dying.

Veeder's dying. We're in pain. I was like, we're never eating before the show like that again, but we had to leave. So I get off stage. I don't care for gassy people. Well, I think I'm going to die during this set. I'm downing peppermint pills. Shout out Rick Glassman. I was performing somewhere and there was Pepto-Bismol. I go, oh, you guys have Pepto-Bismol? That was Sam Morales. I'm not taking that out.

It's in the rider. Thanks, Sam. So I get off stage. I'm dead. I'm like hurting. And I collapse. I let out the biggest fart. Right as I do it, the promoter comes in. And I'm just like, oh, boy. And then he goes, it was great working with you. I did the show for you in Wilkes-Barre. I was like, oh, yeah, I remember you. And he goes, oh, I wasn't there in person. I'm like, well, this has been a great interaction. I really killed this one. Yeah, you just want him out so you can fart.

Just leave so I can release this tension, you son of a bitch. I'm such the opposite on the road. I'm like, I have chicken and rice and vegetables after I do sound check and everything. And then I don't eat anything. And then I go on stage. And when I'm done, I usually get a hotel 24-hour room service so I can get chicken.

Oh, wow. I got to get that protein. I know. We eat way too much on my tour. It's not, it's, and then Gary blames me. I'm like, you're the one who fucking picks these restaurants out. Let me ask you guys a theater question. We're all doing some theaters now. Yeah. Does yours come with a runner?

Some do, some don't. What do you mean a runner? Every theater I go to, they're like, this is Bob, you're a runner. This is Sheila, you're a runner. Oh, go get your shit? Yeah. Some do, some don't. You're paying for that, by the way. You are? I cut it out because I've never used them. So I'm like...

I'll just get over it once or something. We got coffee in the vet. Every venue has coffee. Yeah. Coffee machine. My rider. What's on your rider? Like in the green room. What do you want? Let's hear it. Let's do our riders here. Immunity shots like the, you know, cause you get someone scratching your throat in a different city every day. So get those ginger shots. What do you like? Ginger, lemon. Uh, that's clever. I like those. I get, I get,

Bodega Cat Whiskey, obviously. I get vermouth, the maraschino cherries, the bitters. I want to make a Manhattan. We have... I get a couple bottles of natural wine just so everyone can get wine drunk after the shows. I like having some wine. You drink on the road? After the shows. That's all I do. I drink and eat. How do you guys...

We're struggling. You guys look great. You guys don't seem to shovel. How? I had three vodka sodas on Friday and I'm still recovering. Well, we play, we play, I play on my tour. We play basketball every day.

Gary and James will do weights. Brian and I, we play pickup ball. And then we do some light. I'll do pull-ups or some shit just to feel something. Plus, they're sober, so that kind of helps. Vitor's pretty sober. Although, Vitor had a couple drinks with me the other night. I'm breaking his ass. I'll get Gary by lying about a bottle being old. I'll be like, this is like a $500 bottle of wine. He'll be like, fuck. And then I'll try it. I'll be like, 30 bucks. Ha ha ha.

Got you to drink it, pussy. It's $8. Mine's like peanut butter and bread and a thing of fruit and like coffee, water, and sugar-free Red Bull. Michelle Wolf gave me that tip because, you know, when you're doing like a club or something or like back-to-back shows and you're exhausted for that next show, because I was like, who tours more than Michelle? Yeah. So I said, what the fuck?

We do. She's in Europe. What do you mean? I know she's touring now, but this is years ago. I remember I was doing like a weekend at, I think, Wise Guys. And she was doing her 15th show at Comedy Works or something. So I texted her. I said, how do you have the energy to do it? She goes, sugar-free ragbo. So, yeah.

I was like, okay. So I put... Over coffee? Sugar-free, but I take... Does it work? You jolt? I just take three sips, three or four sips before my second show. We were sponsored by Monster Energy on my last tour, and it was like... So I had to have a... You were sponsored by cancer?

It took so much energy not to shit on it every night. I mean, I would, and then we'd just clip up. I'd be like, this is good. And they'd be like, that'd be the one. Oh, I wonder if the container store wrote back. I went in on them. This is big. I'm trying to let them know that they're awful. He's fighting with the container store right now.

I do like the container store. The worst business is other people trying to get a reaction. Oh, really? Well, because... I take it back. Fuck the container store. I spent all this fucking money on this shelving. I think we ordered stuff for them today, actually. Well, they have the alpha shelving, right? So I order all this. That takes forever. It's super expensive. And then you're like, okay, come deliver it on this day. Well, they miss the delivery day. Then they miss the next delivery day. Then they're like, well, we... Then they...

coming and they go is it a walk up like yeah they'll go well you didn't tell us so we have to choose another day like it's Manhattan then they finally come they bring it right and then they're supposed to install it today so I get everything out of my closets and I've got these giant bags you can't walk in my apartment yeah and it's a New York apartment you can't fucking move and they say you know we're coming between 11 and 5 and

So we're, I'm just sitting at home all day because I cut out my day. I'm like, I have to wait for this guy. It's like the cable guy. Right. And then I finally called them and they're like, we're not coming. And

And I go, what do you mean? Like the delivery guy says they don't have that. I'm like, but we're both holding the same confirmation. Yeah. So it's like now my apartment is completely trashed. I got to go to Australia in four fucking days. I just wanted this fucking, I've spent all this fucking money. So I was like, I wonder what would happen if I just. We're also never, uh,

we're never home so when people fuck us on like we have a very small window yes I'm home for two days and half my day is sitting at home with shit all around while I'm waiting for the containers what uh have you gotten a response from them yet cause you got a big following here

And he used to work there, so... I got fired. He got fired. Really? So there's some beef here. That's what this is. They remember you. You know what? Working for them was a nightmare because they're like a fucking cult. I remember walking in, they sat all the employees down, and then they show a projection of a picture of the president of the company. Not a video. Not a video.

A picture that we had to stare at while they played a tape of him saying, I love my employees. It felt like the Simpsons. I was just going to say that. Holy shit. Homer, that does not look like the leader.

Holy shit. Can you do all the Simpsons? I can do a good amount. I can do Moe. I can do Moe's Tavern. What's going on, Moe? Oh, Bernie. Mr. Burns. And I can do Smithy's.

Wow. My favorite is I can't do Homer very well, but I love when he was like, damn you. God damn you. That's not gone. That's a waffle part left up there two weeks ago. I know I shouldn't eat though. Oh, um, you don't really do impressions on stage. I know. Sometimes I do. I can do Ralph. Uh, what is Ralph saying? Yeah.

This is one of my favorites. Yeah. But the thing is, I do do it like when my special people kept being like, I love your impressions, like impressions. I'm like, oh, but I think because I naturally do voices, like I do a Michelle Wolf impression on my special and people were like, we love your impression of

Michelle. Did she like it? Oh, Michelle. Because what happened, we watched the British Bake Off and there was a woman with no hand. And so Michelle and I kept texting each other like every week, like, are they going to bring up the hand or not? British hand off. They never brought it up. And so finally one day was the final episode. I'm sitting and watching and I just unprovoked, I get a text from Michelle Wolf. I open it up. It's a voice message. What happened?

I have to know. By the way, I love the British Bake Off because it's like everyone's just chill. So chill. You watch American cooking shows, everyone's so fucking damaged. I'm like, you're making bronzino. Calm the fuck down. This is what I'm talking about.

That's what I say. I was like, in American shows, I'm not just doing my old bits, but it's like in American shows, you're defined by what horrible thing happened to you. So if you've had cancer, you're just Cancer Girl. But the British Bake Off, that's the girl worst superhero ever. Yeah, and it's like you have to choose. They're making you pit them against each other. So it's like Cancer Girl versus Iraq Veteran. Yes. And I'm like, fuck, I feel terrible having to choose. You watch Chopped, it's just a sad off. It's like my son died of leukemia. Here's my...

Here's my penne. I got defrauded by a bank loan. Yeah. I lost my restaurant in 9-11. And now you have 15 minutes to make an apple pie. Go. And your only ingredients are duct tape and an eel. Go. They're just panicking. I just got back from Epstein's Island. Here's my trap.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's a crazy show. But yeah, you're right. The Bake Off is just fun. It's like lesbians making bread. I love it so much. Oh, and they're so polite. They're like, we're sorry, Mark. Your bread isn't good enough. Yeah, there's an old lady. I just want to say... Oh, no, my favorites will be like, if anyone's finished, could you please help me? I haven't finished yet. Right, I'm coming over. They start helping each other. You're like, the fuck? Yeah. There's no beeping, too. Like, ah, Nadia. When Nadia won, I...

I could not breathe. I was crying so hard. Who's the guy with the nice eyes? You can't do it. You can't do it. That's the guy. He's the judge. He's a Paul Hollywood. Paul Hollywood. I feel like there's a lot of housewives at home like, oh, Paul Hollywood can rape my quiche any day.

I think he's just got awesome eyes. He's got hair, the salt and pep eyes. Is that young Paul Hollywood? Look. Oh, yeah. Whoa. He looks like Stephen Baldwin. Well, he is Greek, and he does look very, very, very Greek. Yeah, it is weird. He does kind of a vibe of like if Guy Fieri was James Bond. Oh, that's a tweet. You got to get that out of the world. I'll tell you. Look at that guy. Don't do it now. No, no, no. I got peeves. We got to do peeves, too. Oh, fuck. I forgot about peeves.

Yeah, yeah. He's a hunk. But my point is, if you watch The American, they fuck up their turkey dinner and they're like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. But this show, there's no cursing at all. And then there's a garden outside. And their B-roll is like of a baby lamb eating grass. Yes, yes. It's just so not what you would think. Man, Paul, I was smoking hot. I'm telling you. You ever see people and they're like older. Why is he not anymore? Is it because he's just a little heavier? No, he's...

I mean, he's older. He's good looking now, but I'm just saying when you look at someone when they're 21, you're like, damn. Sure. But do you ever see people in their 50s or 60s and they have a certain attitude towards women or waitresses and stuff? And it's like, oh, you were hot. They're a creep, but I'm like, oh, you were hot when you were younger. Oh.

And you don't know that you're not that anymore. Right. It's like when Morgan Fairchild flips out on you. You're like, oh, you used to have everyone nice to you, but now you're not hot. Not Morgan Fairchild. She was hot. Mark, you are such a faggot. She was hot. Really? The fact that Mark knows Morgan. I know she is. What are you talking about? Really?

Yeah. Oh, my God. I thought she was just sort of like... Well, she was on TJ Hooker. I love you, Mark. She was on Baywatch. I love you so much. It was a weird poll, but of course I know who it is. Well, I needed someone who used to be hot who now looks like...

You know, a televangelist. No, but I know what you mean, though. Mateo's right, though. The 700 Club. That lady with the pink hair. That's her. But look at that. Come on. You're right. People who like, I'll be honest, I feel like New York City is kind of like that. New York City is like a hot chick that isn't quite as hot, but it's still a fucking asshole. It's like so much of the city is like, deal with it.

Yeah, right. L.A. too has a little of that. L.A. was hot. The noise is nonstop here. Everything's working. The rent is jacked up. Yeah, you're right. Subway sucks. It's like, hey, what? Not everyone wants to fuck you anymore. Yeah. We're going to Nashville. Nashville, Austin. I'll fuck the shit out of Austin. I just can't get over all the people in Mark's Rolodex. He throws Morgan Fairchild. I think it was a good pull.

Pam Anderson's too easy. I'm trying to be a little more original here. Pam Anderson's having kind of a moment, too. She's back. She's back in a big way. She's doing great. She wrote a book, the documentary.

Yeah, but... She's a televangelist. Look at me. Look at that. Mark York. Holy, that's not her. No, okay, wait. Who is that woman on the right, though? Let me just say this. Because that woman... That was the last one. Who the hell is that? I didn't even... I had no reaction anymore. She's a... Knott's Landing. Yeah, you are. Oh, my God. Yeah, look at...

You are not kidding. Holy shit. I will not be getting hard tonight. All right. I used to see her on infomercials all the time, and as a kid, I was like, why does she feel like she looks so uncomfortable? Perfect example, someone who couldn't stop. They just kept going with the surgery, and it's ruined. I heard that could happen if you get too much hair, too. Oh, no.

Oh, baby. I just want more hair. You look great. Thanks. I don't think that hair, it's really not that much more, but you know. Let me just say, we're flying through this, but I had a thing. You talk about fucking Madeline Kahn singing opera. You know who else sang opera? Jim Jefferies. Really? The comedian. Jim Jefferies can sing opera? I thought he was just in a band. He got polyps on his throat and had to quit.

Well, you could get them removed. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? He's doing fucking... He's doing this beautiful song, and then he's like, yeah, you cunts. Yeah. Right, so listen up, you. I guess there's no footage of him singing. I love Jim. His next song is going to be a really great song. I bet he was like a... He must have been a tenor. He's so funny. Yeah, funny guy.

All right, sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up because I thought... He got hair plugs. Yeah, he did. And they look pretty good. Yeah. I think Joel McHale... Great plugs. Hair plugs. Jimmy Kimmel, Seth MacFarlane. Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, Jimmy definitely got hair plugs. Are you supposed to do this? Are you supposed to just out all these people? I mean, the pictures are there. What are we outing? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's like... It's obvious when your hairline's been sliding up and down.

up and down your forehead. Suddenly it solidified. I would not have noticed with you that you needed it. I didn't either. Because I disguised it so well. I actually, in my year post-op with my doctor, he showed me pictures of my hairline before and I was actually shocked how little of hair I had. Really? Yeah. Wow. I really was quite, I was like,

whoa, like I couldn't believe it. Wow, yeah, the photos will get you. You know, like you pull up Seth MacFarlane or Elon Musk, it's wild. Yeah, Seth MacFarlane got hair transplants, I believe, by the same guy that I... Oh. I have no way to prove that. I just assume because he's in New York. Give me an old photo of old MacFar...

Oh, no. I'm thinking of someone else. Never mind. Not Seth MacFarlane. I remember seeing something weird going on with him. I think of Travolta, too. Yeah, it's going back. But you see when it's that perfect line like that, that's always a giveaway. Right. Young Travolta, what do you think? Oh, stunning. Stunning. The butt chin. Look at Musk, though. I mean, come on. That's bananas.

Where is he? He looks like a different person. Holy shit. Yeah, he does. He looks more alien there. He does. Even though he hadn't been to space yet. What was he doing in the first picture? Was he in the Matrix? What is going on in that photo? He looks like he's a fucking chipmunk or something. He looks adorable. Let's not say things we can't take back, Sam. I don't think he looks adorable. Well, adorable like a child, not handsome. I love to take back the nice thing. Hey, let's not say things you can't take back. You complimented that guy.

I'm never going to get over Morgan Fairchild. Oh, she was a stutter. I'm going to laugh about that. She was on Friends. She was on, like, a lot of shit. Yeah, oh, yeah. She was on Friends? Oh, yeah. She had a run. I don't know. Hot chick? Hot milf? I think Chandler's hot mom. That is the thing is, like, you know, you do feel for people who get rewarded only for their looks.

and then you age and then like it's i don't feel for them they were blessed with beautiful looks yeah i guess you're right and develop a personality to go alongside that and you'll have longevity i agree i agree like really sofia vergara is doing it right like she's stunning and everyone wants to hire her she's great guest on tv funny she's funny she's smart like she's doing it right very attractive did he have his hair done yeah i believe he did really i think you just do it now oh i'm thinking of uh

No, Jimmy Kimmel had his hair done. I don't know if Fallon did. Oh, Brian Frazier went all in. I don't think Fallon has. Oh.

Really? I don't know. He doesn't... You think Fallon would come on here? I think he's busy. He's busy, but I feel like he'd be a good... Is he busy? What is he doing? Oh, yeah. There's nothing going on right now. I forgot. Let's try to get Fallon on here. I would love to have Fallon. And Fortune Feimster just had him on her podcast. Let's slide into his DMs. He would be a great drinking guest. No shit. Good stories. We'd have to cancel the show. I sat behind him. I know. I sat behind him in a Rangers game once, and he was so fucking cool. Great guy. He seems nice.

Yeah, he's a very nice guy. Matt Damon. I had dinner with Matt Damon once at the Cellar. Whoa! What? He came to see Tom Papa's show, and they loved me. And when I walked in, they were like, come sit with us. And I was so uncomfortable. We had dinner. He was a little tipsy, but having a good time with his wife. And then they came downstairs to watch me at McDougal. And I was like, what is going on? Is there a picture? Yeah, there's still a picture of us all at the table together. I love it. I had my dumb hat on, and Tom Papa's there.

That's great. That's one of the fun things about the cellar. I doubt it will show up, but if it does, I'd be blown away. You got to get that puppy on Instagram. I have the picture somewhere. I can find it. Matt Damon, would you?

Yeah. All right. See, he goes night and day for me. Sometimes I'm like, man, that's a good-looking guy. Well, definitely younger Matthew. Well, he's like an actor, man. He shifts his body. That's true. That's true. It's like, I don't want to fuck Christian Bale in The Machinist, but he looks pretty good in American Psycho. Christian Bale seems really stressful, and I can't tell if he's gorgeous or odd-looking. I think he's pretty handsome. Really? I mean, what do I know? Christian Bale? He's not handsome? No, he is, but... I like that the straight guys are fighting for him. What the hell? He's...

Pull him up in American Psycho. He's ridiculous. He's handsome. No lips, really. No. I don't have big lips either, but I have more lips than that. I thought he was like the prototype for a hunk. Yeah, he's ripped in that movie. But that's exciting. We're both doing Chicago back to back. That's going to be great. Go Cubs. Go White Sox. Sorry. Not the Cubs. All right. Wrigley Field is just. I love Wrigley Field. Oh, I've never been. Field of Hep C. I got to go there.

You have to go there. It's historic. It's a great field. Where a construction hat might fall on you. Dang. Wow. I'm throwing shade at your own team. You know what's funny? As I grew up, my family's all Southside, White Sox, Chicago fans. And so, like, I just, I don't even like sports. I could give a shit about the Cubs or the White Sox, but I just hear the Cubs, I'm like, oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Because I've been to those Cubs games and ugh. Just trash? Just. And it's not like Comiskey was any better or whatever. It's U.S. Cellular or I don't know, Cricket now. But it's just too, it's very yuppie. Oh, got it, got it. Okay. And it's right next to Boys Town. I think they call it North Halstead now, but the gay area of Chicago. And so when the games would get out, it was like a flood of straight dudes coming out of the gay streets. And we were like, duh, go away. Yeah.

There wasn't a little bit like, eh, he's all right. None of it. You know what's funny? For Halloween once, my friends and I went dressed as the First Wives Club. Ah, yes. And when we were walking through Wrigleyville, all the straight guys were like, are you guys Hillary Clinton or something? The second we, literally, we walk one street over, we go into Boys Town, and they're like, we want a costume and a lesbian bar. Which one were you? I was Bette Midler, of course. It was Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, and Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn.

You don't own me. Dolly Han was hot in her day. Stunning. Stunning. That's a funny movie. Doesn't look bad now, actually. It's a good movie. And the ending, we did the whole white dress and we did the dance and everything. What's the deal with Bette? To me, Bette is just a... Hold on. To me, Bette is just a poor man's Babs. No, Bette is completely different than Streisand. Oh, okay. Streisand is very like...

And now I'm going to sing a song and you're going to enjoy it. And then I'm going to direct. And I am this all that. I want to live in Malibu and look at my flowers. Yeah. You know, Bette Midler is like an actress. She's a dancer. She's an entertainer. Barbara's an actress. She's funny girl. She's in that Bogdanovich movie. Yeah, man. She's in a lot more acting than Barbara.

Barbara's a great actress, but she's done a lot. She's done a lot more. I mean, seeing her at Barbara's beyond better. Yeah, all right. But Bette Midler's an entertainer, and she got started. What's a good comp for Bette Midler? What do you mean? Like someone else similar. Oh, someone comparable? I mean, she's a little like... And what's her big hit? Does she have a big hit? Oh, my God. You ever know any of my heels?

That's a classic. You should know that from Seinfeld. I know. You are so freaking talented. She was great in Seinfeld. Yeah. She was great in Seinfeld. But yeah, I would say Barbara's more of a singer, director. Beth's more of an entertainer. Got it. Got it. Okay. Okay. Although Barbara would tell you, she's like, I wanted to be an actress when I was younger.

What's the movie she's in with Ryan O'Neal? The Bogdanovich one? Pull that. You know what I'm talking about? Barbra Streisand? Maybe Bernadette Peters. The Pussycat? Yeah. Something in the... Oh, no. What's Up, Doc? What's Up, Doc? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Barbara was And Barbara at What's Up Doc Was hot She had the long straight hair So hot So hot She was very good looking Her husband's nothing To sneeze at either Brolin? No Brolin's hot Okay we're getting somewhere She looks kind of like Jennifer Aniston Oh shit There's a bit of the Jennifer Aniston-ness about her I love her so much If you AI'd her To look more Jewish

Like Jewish AI on Aniston. My favorite thing that Streisand said is she did this concert in Central Park in like 1969. It was 200,000 people showed up. Wow. She walks out and everyone's screaming. She's so New York. She goes, I haven't done nothing yet. Nah.

Is she Brooklyn? Brooklyn. Oh, my God. I love it. Absolutely. Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn. What broke Streisand? What was the thing that made her? So Barbara Streisand, I'm glad you asked me this question. So Barbara Streisand, she was dirt poor. Dad died when she was 14 months old. She had to live in a one bedroom with her grandparents, her brother, her mother. She slept on a cot. And when she graduated high school, she wanted to become an actress.

And a singer. So she brought this cot with her. She carried around. She slept in six different apartments. One of them was a piano studio every night. Wow. She didn't have enough money to pay for an apartment. Wow. So she had all these keys. And she would say at different places every night. And she sang in the village at a place called the Bonsoir, where she opened for Phyllis Diller. Wow.

Oh, how about that? Phyllis Diller was the one to be like, everyone should watch her. Were they tight till the end? Oh, yeah. They were tight till the end. I don't know Phyllis Diller's act at all. I don't either. I feel bad about it. Fucking hysterical. A lot of I'm ugly, I'm unfuckable kind of stuff. She's on the wall. Yes and no, but you should look at old Phyllis Diller. I've seen her on panel and it's great. Yeah, on panel she's fucking... I've seen that stuff. You in particular, it's joke after joke after joke.

She does the thing where she roasts. What am I, chopped liver here? I like jokes. No, you know what I mean, but it's like she does the whole thing where she roasts Phyllis Diller mother-in-law type in. Mother-in-law. And it's just 20 minutes. And how she memorized it, I have no idea. No, not that one. Uh...

Scroll down a little bit. Oh, with Lucille Ball. That's fun. Bat jokes. Try that one. Bat jokes. Here we go. This is a tough set if the mother-in-law ever comes to the show. That's true. That's great. You've got to have a million of those. That was in a minute and a half. I know. And the whole thing is that. Yeah. How many jokes did she write then memorize? Love it. Do you know what I mean? To go through. That's like.

Damn. Did her and Joan butthead? No, loved each other. Oh, I love that. Not only that, Phyllis sat in the front row of all of Joan's shows when she started and laughed louder than anybody. And they stayed friends till the end. To the very end. Joan was one of the last people to have like a lunch with her. Right. Did you know Joan? No, I was like, I literally was a new face. It was like 12 years ago or something. And she died. And I was devastated because she's my number one.

Yeah. Number fucking one. The doc on her was so good. So good. So great. And,

It's funny to people like Lizzo's fat shaming. You just want to show them this and be like, can we all lighten up? It's all right. It's a joke. It was also 1977. Of course. You know what I mean? We're laughing. He's laughing. We're also laughing because we like the jokes. Yeah. I think we're not like, ha ha, fat people. No. That was clever. It's clever. It's smart. Do you think that audiences, I've noticed over the past year and a half, that audiences are laughing at jokes?

not controversial things, but things they would not have laughed at three years ago. Definitely. Like, don't say this, don't say that, don't do this. And now it's like audiences are kind of craving to not feel like they have to be on their best behavior. Yeah. I don't know what flipped it, but something has shifted for sure. I don't know what it was. I try to pinpoint when it happened, but I love,

I noticed retard is out a lot more. You hearing that? So we can bleep it, but I'm hearing it at the cellar all the time. I'm like, oh, I wouldn't have heard that a year ago. I think Mark's right. I think there's less gasping. Yeah. There's a period of gasps and you're like, guys, come on. I mean, look, it's occasionally you hear it. We're also spoiled because we're on the road, right? We have our people come out. Sure, sure. I'll be at the cellar occasionally and I'll be shocked at something. I'm like,

is this really not hitting? Everyone's the one I'm like. I know, I know. And then you take it for your crowd and it works. You know what sucks sometimes is like 99% of the jokes I do on the road works for any audience, right? That's why we do The Cellar all the time. But there's certain things I know gay audiences will get.

And so for like six months, I was doing like five spots a night at the cellar to work out this new hour. I was just going crazy, just like trying to figure it out, figure it out, figure it out. And there were these jokes, these one-liners I'm like, no one's laughing at. And I'm like, I know this is funny. And so I tested out my new hour at a theater in May in Tampa.

And all those jokes got the laughs. Got the big laughs that no one laughed at at the cellar. Was it offensive? No, no, no. It's the gaze guy. Oh, I see. And I was like, oh my God. And I literally stopped the lens and go, can I just say...

I knew I was right because there has been, I've been doing these jokes for months and straight people have just stared at me like I'm a fucking asshole. Right, right. But it was so, it felt great. My people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to make sure everything works in front of every audience because otherwise it's you. Exactly. No, if it's like, if I do a Jew joke, it better work in fucking Memphis. Right.

You know, it's like, you do a New York City joke, it better work in Houston. Right. Better work everywhere. Yeah. Change the subway to the bus, whatever you got to do. Yeah. Otherwise, those road dates get fucking depressing because you're like, why am I not connecting? I know. I know.

But it is a bummer when you're not connecting in your town. Like, you're in New York and the joke isn't working. You're like, come on. I live here. Yeah, but sometimes people come, they're all foreigners. That's true. They're all like, they're from Minnesota. Yeah, it's like, because I say, I have a couple jokes about New York. I say, who's a New Yorker here? And like, two people clap. Isn't that weird? And I'm like, ugh.

We're the New Yorkers. Weekdays are better than weekends. Oh, Thursday nights and Sunday nights are my favorite nights to perform. Weekends are fucking awful. And they're awful to go out. They're awful to go to dinner. I...

Give me a Monday or a Tuesday. No, Mondays, no. No, no, I mean to go out to get dinner. Oh, yeah. I remember Sean Padden used to have that great joke about weekends are for fucking rookies. Oh, yeah. The drunks. Amateurs. He's like, get drunk on a fucking Wednesday. And I'm like, yes. I relate to that bit. It's true. Because it's just chill. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if I'm performing in the city, Sunday nights are my favorite. I feel like I get the best work done on a Sunday night. Yes. Because those people...

They had a weekend probably and they still came out. They're like they want to be there. Yeah. As opposed to Saturday. They're like, we got to do something. It's Saturday. Right. There's a pressure. I hate any gig with pressure. And look, it's not like to the extent of like a New Year's or like a, you know, Christmas Eve or we need to be together. But like going out on a weekend, there is an expectation and it may not be.

the right reason. Yeah. Speaking of Joan, have you guys... I don't know if we covered this last time you were here, but have you seen the red carpet... What do you call it? What she would do the... Zane people? Yeah. It's incredible. Didn't I show you what she said about Anna Nicole Smith last time or no? Yeah. We did this last time. I can't remember it. She was like, the doctor said no drugs in her body, just a lot of sperm.

And she's still held on to her contract with Trim Spa. She's lost an additional 80 pounds. Good for you, man. I'm like, I can't imagine saying that. I cannot imagine. I bet she was a fucking good hang, too. I bet she was the best. Lynn Complice, we got to get her on here to talk. They were buddies. I think Whitney opened for her a few times. Really? Yeah, Lynn's got a bunch of stories, really good stories, too, about Joan. She'd be a great guest on here.

I love Lane. She looks great. She looks great. Yeah. I saw her on the Vegas TV. You know, they have the TV piping out Vegas cellar. Yeah. Yeah, she was on there. She looked amazing. I have to dip in like 10 minutes. Oh. Why don't you, before we get out of here, why don't you plug some dates? I'm trying to. Next week then, Matt? Yeah, let's do that, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Great eye drops. Oh, Lumify. The best. I mean, like white. Your eyes will just be white for hours. Okay, Lumify. Okay, that's old, so I have to change that. Oh. Look how young. Great. There we go. Woo! We got some tickets moving, folks. Australia's cooking. I think the Melbourne's sold out now, and both cities sold out. Oh, wait till you see this theater. I hear it's amazing. It's so beautiful. It's actually just sold out.

I just saw the Kennedy Center in February. Wow. I'm very excited about that. Denver, I can't fucking wait. That's a great theater. You know what? Come see me at the second show at September 29th, 930. It's like almost. Chicago's still out. I need to update my fucking. What about, did I see the Radio City or my nuts? No, but I'm doing Carnegie Hall. Oh.

Great room. Built before speakers, so the acoustics are incredible. Really? Yeah. I can't wait. Legendary. I have a song surprise at the end. Uh-oh. Liza? Yes. It's going to be so fun. Can you tell us off air who it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Ooh, Bernadette Peters. That would be amazing. I have a musical guest. I'm doing MSG Theater November 4th, and I have a special musical guest. Oh, really? R. Kelly. R. Kelly.

It is. It was Mariah's musical guest one night when I saw her. Hilarious. You're in luck. Yeah, come see me on tour, ladies and gents. It'll be lots of fun. Yes. Visit MateoLaneComedy.com. All right, where you at, Sambo? When does this come out again? Okay.

Okay, so we got, oh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. That's a big venue, guys. York, PA, Toronto, another big-ass venue. Chicago Theatre, September 30th. Toronto, September 21st. Where in Toronto are you going?

the Meridian. Meridian. Oh, nice. Yeah. I'm looking forward to that. Uh, Phoenix, Arizona. I love it. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indy. And then the, I like the Egyptian room. Uh,

I've never been. It's good. I haven't either. It's a great room. I think it's still available. I had a great show there. Okay. MSG. That's so exciting, Sam. It's a biggie. We got... Yeah, then Australia, like you guys, following your footsteps. And then we just added...

Vegas. Because of you, I'm doing the win. I did the Mirage last time. I'm pumped to mix it up. The win was great. And then we got Tampa and really it's Fort Myers, but it's fucking Naples. We're back, baby. We're fucking back. Revenge Tour. Cue the music. samorell.com slash shows. Your guys' schedule makes me feel like I'm not working. Oh, well, thank God I'm a shit-head. Portugal.

Yeah, what a Lisbon. That's so exciting. Going in like two weeks. Oh my God, good for you. If you know anything. I'll be missing you, dude. Hold on, back up. When is he going to Amsterdam? I know. Can we zoom out so I can see? It's all September. Oh, because I'm going in October. I was like, oh. Yeah, link up. Bring him to life. I'm going to be in London doing shows the exact same time Schultz is.

Oh, no. I know. I mean, it'll be fun to hang, but... I can't wait. We don't have overlapping audiences. Oh, yeah. Good point. At all. Good point. It'll be all over Europe. Netherlands, Denmark, Belgium, Germany, Ireland, Glasgow, London. We're in London? Yeah.

the Manchester Academy, O2 Birmingham. And yeah, I don't know much about the UK. Then we're back in Hershey, which those tickets are not moving. Michelle Wolf country right there. Oh, that's right.

Tysons, that's basically D.C. Oklahoma City. Dallas. Oh, I got a hotel you got to stay at there with my man. Oh, please. Rhode Island. Denver. Cleveland. Denver. Two at the Paramount. Nice. Yeah, I love it. Grand Junction, whatever that is. Hartford. Concord Mobile. New Orleans. Santa Rosa. Sacramento. Omaha.

MarketOmenComedy.com. Get some Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat whiskey, folks. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Send us packages to Gotham. Go see Mateo. Check out our specials. Watch out Mateo's new special. Oh, yeah. Hair Pleasure and Heartache. It's on YouTube. And also another special. Check out all of his stuff. We love Mateo. Yeah. Killer Act. Go see him and don't talk because he'll tell you what's what. Is that crazy that I do that? No. I think that's standard.

We love you guys. Oh, sorry. I'm still potting. You know the guy where they go, you're a comic. You should be able to handle it. I'm like, I'm handling it right now. I'm telling you to shut the fuck up. I hate that guy. All right. Sorry, I slipped that one out. No, no, it was great. It was great. Well, we love you guys. Matt Peters, we love you. Peters. You know. Thank you, guys. Keep listening, guys. Do you have a bag or anything? Okay, thanks. All right, we got you a bag there. Not my Chicago accent. Big bag.

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