Ep 142: Jared Freid w/ Spaghett
02:08:03 Share

Here we are. We're joined by a good friend of ours, a hilarious comic. He's got a new Netflix special out now. Give it a watch. Thank you. Our good buddy, Jared Freed. Great to be here. This is such a pleasure. You're a real...

You're a real New York City drinker. New York City drinker. That reputation, you get afraid of that. You don't want to be like, he's a New York City drinker. I hope it's a fun reputation. I'm a drinker and then go home and eat. That's my move. Drunk eating is sad. If I told you what I ordered, I could read you my order. Oh, you know it. Was it a diner or a Taco Bell? That's a big...

I will read you my order. Jared's the type of guy that if you go out and drink with, every time you turn around, he hands you another drink. Yes, you're a pro. Right. I like him. Keep him coming. We're out. Let's have fun. I'm really into martinis these days, which is like a bad thing.

I love them. I love them. We just had a bunch of Montreal. Dirties? Yeah. The dirty vodka when it's cold. Ice chips. They did the frozen ones at Joe B's. Yes, yes. There's a line in Back to School where Dangerfield goes, bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring us one every ten. And that is going out with Jerry. Yeah, I like to have a good time. I mean, that's like, you know, I, you know,

I think that's like the whole thing. Like we do such a stupid fun thing. We're lucky. Why wouldn't I go out? Here's my late night eating order. Okay. This is sad. I can't wait. Okay, ready? One chicken salad sandwich.

Whole wheat everything bagel, toasted lettuce, red onion, fresh jalapeno, add American cheese. That's a great sandwich. Wow, that's a great order. Great sandwich. On its own, I got three more coming. Oh. This is where I go off the rails. You eat four sandwiches? One bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel, whole wheat. Is this a bodega or like a deli you're at? This is like a deli bodega. Got it. Yeah, yeah. One egg salad. I am like just looking to fart for the next week.

One egg salad sandwich, toasted lettuce, tomato, red onion, one bagel with lox, cream cheese, everything bagel, toasted scallion cheese. Like that's like, I can't. That is the most Jewish order. It's a pretty Jew-y order. Chicken salad, the smoked salmon. Bacon, egg and cheese. Egg salad. Egg salad. Late night is...

Do you get the bottle of Manischewitz as well? Does that come with it? Anytime you order any salad sandwich, it just feels chewy. Yeah, a little bit. But they're all great. I love them. Big fan. Yeah, wait a minute. So wait.

This is what's great about Jared. First of all, you're a dying breed. Thank you. Okay. No one's drinking anymore in the comedy business. Everybody's sober and healthy and wellness and all this mental shit, trauma. Give me a fucking cocktail, you queefs. Quit your belly aching. Well, we're drinking the drink of the summer right now. What is this called? Yeah, it's the Miller Spaghetti.

Spaghet. Yeah. So it was made by this guy, Cahill, in Baltimore in like 2016. And it's a summery drink. It's basically like, I don't know, like the trash bag Aperol Spritz. Ugh.

Miller High Life, the champagne of beers. A little bit of Aperol and lemon. Is there lemon juice in it? There's lemon juice in it, but you can just throw that in. It's going to fizz up a little bit. You guys are like the Andy Cohen of alcoholics. This is the bar. Has it been said a million times? No, never. This is the Bravo Clubhouse. Yeah. Hell yeah. Cheers. We're doing the housewives after you.

I like it. Wow, that's delightful. Love this. What do you call it? It needs a name. It's called the Spaghet. Oh, the Spaghet. It comes from the Tim and Eric show or something like that. It's like some reference. I don't know what the reference is to. It's sweet enough. I like a sweet beer. I like when there's a flavored beer. I love a lemon. People have been doing that with Coronas for ages. They put a little grenadine and a little lime in there.

and that's like they've been doing that forever and I guess this is just like the Baltimore version of that but it blew up online recently. I used to call them the snake bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a snake bite? It was a very English thing. Like a European thing, right? I think it's like a cherry juice or something like that in like a light lager. This is a problem. I could have 30 of these. I was just...

Literally when you said I was going, I could have 30. Yeah. This goes down fucking easy. Too easy. I was hungover when I walked in. Me too. I got 10 more. We got another drink after this, though, so don't worry. But you got to help those hangers with the 17 sandwiches you're wolfing down, subway guy. You're like Jared over here. Do you eat all four of those? I go through them. I have a late night eating problem. I mean, half of the special is me talking about late night eating. No.

And drunk eating. Watch out, Gaffigan. Right. Sorry. Yeah, the hot pockets of late night eating. So I, yeah, I just, I can't, I get in this zone where it's like,

I don't know about you, but before bed, the day's over, the eating's over. I get a little bit sad. I need to end this with something. I would love video footage of you, shithouse, at your apartment with the four sandwiches. I'm picturing shirt off. Oh my God, yes. Using the bed sheet as a napkin. You got the bachelorette on. Just going to town. You actually nailed it. Shirt off. Yeah, that's me. This is me. I'm the David Hasselhoff drunk bird. What a bull.

I think of this all the time. He's in pretty good shape, actually. He's the Hoffman. Yeah. But this is me. This is closer to me than I'd like to admit. Oh, he's spitting it up. Is this where he calls his daughter a pig or whatever? I think that was Alec Baldwin. Oh, that was Baldwin. Sorry. Or maybe Pat O'Brien, I'm thinking.

That was another bad drunk episode. What happened to that guy? He got hammered and he basically got canceled because he yelled at somebody. Access Hollywood, right? Right. He was a mess, but a fun guy. That's the thing about when someone says, oh, Jared's the drink. You go, okay, good drink.

You're only good energy. Right. That's what I like. I've always enjoyed going out, especially after a show. You got that high. Oh, tell us the best. Right. But you need a good show, post-show situation. I think it can go badly. Yeah.

Never a chair, too loud. Like, we're always late night. Yes. I hate too loud. I'm with you. This is what's great about you. You used to live on the Upper West Harlem-y kind of. I was in Harlem, yeah. Yeah, and then, you know, I did your pod. I'd see you, whatever. I randomly bumped into you in Greenwich Village, my neighborhood, and I was like, what are you doing here? You're like, I moved here. Yeah. And you just started rattling off.

the spots to go. You're like, I love this bar. That restaurant's amazing. I've lived there for six years. I didn't know half of these places. I've done a lot of investigation. Yes. And also the audience that seems to follow me most, it's like young women with lists.

Oh, right, right. If you ask, that's a big thing with women. They all have lists of icks. They have lists of bars they like. I love lists. They love lists. Like itemized. My brother's pretty good about it, but it's a very female thing. It is, yes. To be like, these are the bars I hope to be taken to one day on a date. You're like, wow. We can all dream, I guess. Yeah. Every girl growing up had like the hot guy list or like the pictures of this is the hottest guy, then him, then him. Yeah, you're right. They rank. They love ranking. Love a ranking. Love a hat.

these are my bars and restaurants I'm going to go to. So I get a lot of like, I get a lot of like suggestions. Yeah. Like, and it's always a little more refined, a little more like, you know, we go drink, you know, we drink these things in an alley. We'd be like, this will be fine enough for us. I love like young women. They're like, I want to be,

seated yeah with my friends and be able to talk and i'm like i kind of fit that too i that's what i like you know something fun though about like i'm with you i'll drink anywhere in the right during the pandemic that was a fun thing is like you really could kind of drink in the street yeah oh that's i mean when those when the streets like had the tables everything out i loved it i was like and then people were like how's new york and i'm like

It's fucking the roaring 20s out here. It's great. What are you talking about? I'm having a blast. They have stands on 6th Avenue, like Aperol stands. It was great. Yeah, there was a bar near me on the Lower East Side when I lived there during the pandemic, and they'd open a window like it was The Wizard of Oz. They'd open a window, and I would go up to it every day. I used to pass by just to check it out. 4 o'clock, and they'd have their regular... I think it's called... It's Iggy's or something, and it was on...

I lived on Ludlow. It was on Ludlow. And like, I would like, just like, I'm like, are there people out there? Let me look. And I went up to the window one day and I was like, Hey, I see you guys are open up. They're like, we thought you were a cop. Like forever. Like they thought I was undercover, like trying to shut them down. I was like, no, I'm here to party. Let's fucking do it. They gave you a bag with like the chips. Cause they had to do with the food. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. And also they were very lax on drinking outdoors during the pandemic. You could just, Oh,

The food was such a good ruse. They were like, we got to serve. We got to make sure we're given food, too. And you're like, oh, thanks for the bag of uts. Yeah. It's a really good meal. Right. I've always. And then you go, oh, it's so bad. I'm happy I had some uts in me. It kind of worked. Yeah. We were just in Canada, Norman and I. And in the dressing room, they have the ruffles all dressed.

It's my number one potato chip, dude. They do ketchup. They do ketchup, too. It's ketchup, barbecue sauce, sour cream and onion, and salt and vinegar. That's the flavor. It's a lot coming at you, but goddamn. That's good. They just do it better. I mean, Canada, like when you go to Europe and you see these like

Just the foods, like the snacks. There's thought put in. I feel like here's garbage. Right. It's the everything bagel of chips. All dressed. I love that. I love it. That is very nice. It's an explosion of flavor. Also, Ruffle. Underrated chip. So underrated. The Ridge?

A built-in crunch. For your pleasure. And strong. Strong enough for an onion dip. Yeah, right. It can hold the weight. Yeah, it's not too soft, not too hard. It's a perfect content. What's your cocktails, like your top go-to orders? I know you do vodka soda sometimes, but if you're like a cool bar. I'm really into dirty martini right now. I'm like down that road so hard. So it would go...

Dirty vodka martini with as cold as it can humanly be. Yes. I would go Casamigos on the rocks, lime. That's another route. Vodka soda I've kind of gotten away from just because I'm looking to slow down. Here's my other drink that I picked up during the pandemic. It was from my mom. Flavored vodka on the rocks. So I'd be having absolute citron on the rocks. That's my...

And my mom would be like, come in, let's have a drink. Wow. And my mom would get like, have ruby red vodka. Always absolute. That's like not too sweet. Yeah. Absolute flavored on the rocks lime. Boy, your mom parties. She's drinking vodka straight. Chilling. Damn. Having a great time. My parents, we were in Boca. You're Boca.

I know, but you'd think a lady would want to splash an agua or something or a Diet Coke. We're getting after it. My dad doesn't drink at all, so he's just watching us. Oh, what happened to you? Is he sober? He hasn't drank since he's been like 40. Yeah. Man. He doesn't like it. He had a heart attack real young, so I think that was like...

I'm going to walk away. He's doing it right. Yeah, my dad is pretty square, wears a suit every day. He drinks a glass of wine every now and then. And I'm like, man, what happened? What is this? Does this skip a generation? And he goes, yeah, my dad, before me, died when I was two. He was drunk driving. He was womanizing. He was smoking cigarettes. I was like, ah!

That's where I got it. All right. Oh, yeah. It's like baldness. My mom's side is like not at all. And then, yeah, she would, you know, I remember like having two beers in college at dinner with my grandpa. And he was like, he ordered two beers. And I was like, yeah, motherfucker, I drink. You should see what I do when you're not here. This is my pregame. But then, you know.

You know, I found out like stories when I met my biological father. He's like, oh, yeah, you're he's like my mom and dad were like alcoholics. I was like, there we go. There we go. See, my family was in the liquor business for a long time. So we almost had like everyone kind of had the mentality of like a dealer. Like, don't get high in your own supply. But people, you know, we drank. But like, but the whole family, like in my garage was literally I would walk out and take a handful of nips and.

on my way out to go out in high school. Like, I would just take a handful of those airplane vodkas. Oh, yeah. And it was all, like, the weird, because you get all the testers. Right. So it'd be, like, banana flavored. Yes. Schnapps. Schnapps. Yeah, all that shit. Goldschlager. Right. As a kid, I remember doing that gross shit, like, remember peppermint schnapps and Hershey syrup, and you'd shake it up, and you'd be like a peppermint patty? Oh, never.

to that one. Nasty shit, but we try to get creative with these things. Yeah, Bones Farm, Mad Dog 2020, he drank anything. I would love him if he was in the middle of making that exact thing. He makes good shit. I have Goldschlager and Puppermint Vodka right here. This is a problem. This is very good. I totally agree. The way this is going down. Don't worry, I only have 10 more of them, so it's okay. Well, I'm not a big... Beer is not my go-to order. I just... I factor in the amount of peas and I'm more of a whiskey... Peas? Yeah.

I just pee way more. Oh, yeah, I see. And also just like the amount of beers it takes you to like feel anything. I mean, maybe I'm... No, it's a lot. But like for me, it's like I'm just bloated. Like it's just a lot of beer. Like I'll have a beer at the end of the night to like polish it off. Like that's the finisher. But I think I'm drinking vodka. Stoli-O, by the way, is a flavored vodka. Stoli-O. That's a good flavor. I've had that. Yeah, that's like my next choice if they don't have that. Stoli-O? What's the O? Orange. Orange. Stoli-Orange. Good flavored vodka.

Is Stoli a good vodka? It's not bad. What are the shitty overrated ones and what are the good ones? Basically, vodka's vodka. So as long as it's... Most quality vodkas are like four times filtered. So as long as it's filtered three or four times usually, and if it's not a plastic bottle, you're good to go. Vodka's vodka. This was my grandmother's thing. My grandmother growing up, she used to have vodka on the rocks in a snifter glass. And she was like, if you mixed vodka, she'd be like mad at you. Pfft.

Because she's like, you don't mix. If you mix vodka, get the cheapest. That was her whole thing. No, I mean, I don't think you should get the cheapest because you'll still get like that ridiculous ethanol like off with. But like, dude, don't pay, you know, $90 for some like branded vodka or whatever. Like Grey Goose Soda is stupid.

Grey Goose Soda is not necessary at all. Like Tito's is fine. Like Tito's is mid-range. I love Tito's. Tito's is great. I love Kettle. Kettle's is great. My favorite vodka though, if anything, is only like potato vodka because it has a different texture, has a different consistency because of the different starches and potatoes. So it's more smoother. It's velvety. So if you find like Polish vodka of any kind, get that.

Oh, the Polacks. But as far as mainstream, Belvedere is potato vodka. Oh, all right. And that's the same price point as Grey Goose. But if you're going to have something on the rocks, Belvedere is fantastic. Well, me and Che got into a big fight at the cellar one night because he loves vodka. And I was like, I bet you can't tell the difference between high-end vodka and just handle plastic bottle. And he was like, I can definitely tell. And we bet a couple bucks, put two shots out, blind taste test.

He got it wrong every single time. Every time? He did probably five shots and got it wrong every time. So I was like, there you go. What do you say to that? He was like, you got me, but I'm hammered. But it just goes to show you that that's all branding, all that shit. Chopin, all that crap. Chopin is actually pretty good. But it's hard to find and it's not there. But yeah, no, vodka, like, listen, vodka is vodka. Like, you're either taking a shot of it or mixing it. And unless you're drinking it straight on the rocks, like...

You know, I've worked at some bars where, like, it's, like, they were really shady. They would swap out. Oh, there you go. And these dudes were paying for it, and they were like, yeah, this is, like, the only thing I drink. I'm like, okay. Yeah, yeah. Well. I mean, I always spend, every year I've tried to guess what the drink of the summer is going to be. Yeah.

Remember when dude bros icing bros Smired off ice And then it became self actualized Yeah we're drinking Smired off ice now And then like there was Rose And that started as a big joke Every summer drink starts as a joke Where guys are like fucking with each other And then they like it That's 100% true I remember at the cellar once Years ago

You know, Liz, the manager, would drink Aperol Spritz. Every night. Michelle Wolf would drink Aperol Spritz. I remember one night, I think you were doing it, Ari Shafir was doing it. We all just ordered like, we'll drink Aperol Spritz. Three or four in, I'm like, these are fucking delicious. Right. Yeah, I did that with Trans, so I was like, oh, that's a joke. I fucked one, you know? And then,

Here I am later a year and I'm in an alley. But yeah, no, it's true. It starts off as a joke, but you got to act tough for 10 minutes and then you can be yourself. I remember, if you are tough, they don't mind. I remember Mike Yard at the Cellar once

Tough guy. He's, you know, and he's sipping a, I think he's sipping a Bailey's Irish Cream on the rocks. And I was like, ooh, tough guy. As a joke. And he goes, I'll still kick your fucking ass. I'm like, I know, but I can't make a joke about it. I know, right? We all know you'll beat me up. Right away. I'm like, you will kick my ass for the record. But it's a funny thing to see a tough guy drinking. Yeah. Drinking milk. Milk that will fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. I will say.

I don't know if we've ever done a white... Have we done a white Russian episode? No. I can't believe that. I think we have. Very long time ago, I think we did a white Russian episode. Well, that's the problem. We drank. Very long time ago. But if not, I'm not sure. But I always think of that scene from The Departed, like when he orders a cranberry drink. Oh, yeah. You got your period, and then he kicks the shit out of him. Dude, drink what you drink. Trust me. The biggest people I've ever met drink like... Well, the toughest black guys in the world have like a Blue Lagoon or whatever. It's always some crazy blue thing.

There you go. Wow, what is it? A Bloody Mary? These are beautiful. No, these are Micheladas. Woo! Michelada! See, these look ready for, like, Instagram. Like, I love the look.

That's really the key now. It's like every bar I see on like Third Avenue by Bowery and all that lower area, like by Houston, it's all these cute bars with stripes and palm trees and like pink flair here and there. And it's all Instagram. It's all look. It's like a John Taffer thing. It's like a bar rescue. It's like they saw that and were like, oh, we'll just follow what he says to do. I mean, my buddy owns a bar down and it's one of the bars that I put on.

my list. Oh, I can't wait to hear this. I want to hear this. He he's big on like, you got to have the mural to take a picture of. You got to have like and we're doing a version of that. Like, you know, you got to put out the clips. You got to write. You know, we go on the road. I take pictures after the show. Like, it's not because I'm like

you know, I want to take a billion pictures and it's a very nice interaction. But at the same time, I'm like, yeah, they're going to post it. Oh, what happened at the show? Who is this guy? You know, like there's an element of that, that sure. Sure. You got a brand, you gotta get your word out. Right. They must love the wall because it's free. They build one wall and then people take photos. It's free. That's the crazy part about these comedy clubs is like, we work at some places that are like, you're like, are you guys stupid? Like, I, I,

The answer is yes. Yeah. They're comedy. I mean, some of them are great and then some of them don't last. You can't believe. I'm like, hey, I got 250 women coming for this show. They're all going to want to take pictures. I'm game. I'm going to do it for free. I'm not, you know, like, let's do it.

And then they go, oh, okay, I guess you could do it next to the garbage can in the darkness. And you're like, can you just like, you don't see. Yeah, this is free advertising. I got to stop playing the trash can comedy club. This place sucks. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I'm just like, I can't believe it. And then you see these pictures and like every person I take a picture of is like, oh, the lighting sucks. I was like, yeah, I wouldn't post that either. Right, right. We all want to look skinny and fun. I know. It's sad, but true.

All right. You want to... Should we cheers these? Oh, michelada. So what's in that again? It's just a... It's like a light Mexican beer. We're using Wendello today. Some tomato juice, Worcestershire. It's like a Bloody Mary, but with beer. Basically the same thing. All right. And then a salt Tajin rim on the rim. I love that rim. Right? That's my thing. Do you like the rim? I love a good rim. Ooh. I like the Tajin. Very nice. Sometimes I go no...

I love a good rim. You do it? Yeah, you get a little salt in it. I love a salty and sweet rim. The thing is with salt, I only do half because some people like, you know, it gives you an option. You know, you can switch it up. But with tajin, it's delicious. That is refreshing. And a Bloody Mary can be almost like tomato soup. Have you ever had a Bloody Bowl? No.

Yeah, it's with beef broth. Yeah, that's a whole 80s New York thing. Like a steakhouse thing, actually. I discovered it at J.G. Mellon's. I used to date a girl who lived around the block from J.G. Mellon's on the Upper East Side. And that was like the hangover spot. You get a burger and a bloody bowl. That bar was great, too. It was classic. It's gone, right? It's gone? Is it? I don't know. Is it still there? That was a hang. Up until a few months ago, it was still there.

At the end of the month, that's what I call my wife. The old bloody bull. Yeah, I lived on 72nd like three months ago. It's a great burger. Great burger. Good vibe. Good vibe. Old New York vibe. Right. I mean, it's like you got the PJ Clarks. Yeah. No, that's what I'm thinking of. Is PJ Clarks still open? That's the one I'm thinking of. On 55th and 3rd? Well, that one, I hope so, because that one's been there. I mean, they do like episodes of Mad Men there. Oh, wow.

And there's like bartenders that have become like famous there. Really? Yeah. That guy Doug was a legend. He said something I remember years ago. I remember I thought it was such a cool thing because some woman goes in there, do you have any Red Bull vodka? And he goes, we don't serve Red Bull here. He goes, you want to get energy? Have a coffee. Whoa. And I was like, fuck yeah. I love that.

That's pride in your work. Red Bull. The Undone Bowtie. They were classy. And also, I remember I would drink Bud Lights there because they were five bucks each. But then I remember I befriended a guy there one night when I was a young comic and he just bought me round after round. It was one of those nights where some dude just got me fucked up. I love that. They don't know what that means to a poor guy. When someone's just buying you free drinks, it's like, oh my God, it's heaven.

I went there... My friend's dad used to take us there when we were really young, and we didn't get ID'd. I mean, we'd just walk in, and we were kids, but he was... His dad was... He passed away. He was so funny. He was like that inappropriate guy that would take you out. Yes. Where he would say shit like... I remember he walked up to a woman in a bar once, one of our PJ Clarks, and he was just like, Lady, what I wouldn't give to fuck you up the ass. And we were like...

And we were like, what the fuck? And she was like, you fucking asshole. And I was like, I am so sorry. I shit you not. She kisses me in front of him to be like, fuck you. That's a gentleman. I apologize for you. Went home with her. Come on. Yeah. And then as I was kissing her, he gave me one of these behind to like. He knew what he was doing. What a guy.

What a wingman. He was a great guy. He was a great guy. You go out with him again, you're like, let's do the fuck me in the ass. Come on. Come on, let's do the bit. You set him up, I'll knock him down. Yeah.

He was arrested. He was a party guy. Behind the back. I'm still friends with his kid. I mean, his kid Dennis. I mean, he's a kid my age. But I mean, his name was also Dennis. They were Dennis Jr., Dennis Sr. And they were a fucking hilarious combo. That guy is young. You know, you bet I'm old. He must have been a fucking ball. In a different time, too. Yes, yes. Very different time. Like, you know, not to say, like, we want...

People screaming at people to fuck their ass. No, it's not an admirable thing to say to a woman. I think we're all in agreement. It was like a pick in basketball. Like, you got the assist. He got hit, but you got the assist. You know, it's like I was watching...

old episodes of Boston Legal on Hulu. Boston Legal? It's fucking solid. Really? What is that again? It's James Spader and William Shatner. Oh, people love that show. That had a long run. Let me tell you something. Spader is so fucking good. Really? I thought you were talking about Boston Public with that Southern comedian. He was like, oh.

Andy Clark. Is that who it was? He was a southern comedian. Boston Common. Boston Common. Yes, yes. That was Andy Clark. Dude, James Spader is so fucking charming. They say shit on this show. I can't believe the shit they get away with. There's a line where... This is on NBC or Fox or something, I would think. NBC, I think. Yeah. So it's on network TV and...

There's a line where the judge says to Spader, he's like, if it stinks, I don't eat it. And he goes, really? I go by the opposite motto. Oh.

This is on network. Wow, that was on 4. Every episode is him just fucking one of his coworkers. He's just cool. I just remember that show for its commercials, how excited it was. Spader! Shatner! That was like a big, heavyweight fight. Spader's fucking cool on this show. Candice. Oh shit, I know she was on it. She's the hot judge, I think, or the head lawyer. But it's crazy the shit you could get away with

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And also, just like clearly, like that was a cool, back in the day. Was that Locklear? Damn, she was a fucking dime piece. Oh, my God. What a dime. She's so hot. She fucked everybody. She's gone nuts now. Really? When hot women get old, they lose it because they're like, wait, where is everybody? I remember like tail end of Spin City when she came on. I was like, oof. She was so hot. So hot. That's what got Michael J. shaking. I was like, oh, my God. Look at her.

Then Charlie Sheen took over. He was awesome. Yeah, he's always fun. Fucking love Sheen. Yeah, he had a run. You ever watch those Two and a Half Men episodes? You ever watch an episode of Two and a Half Men? No, I've never watched a full episode. It's hard to get through. You go, I get why this is successful right away. For sure. You go, this is like...

junk food, candy. You're like, I don't like, it's an everything bagel at two in the morning. Totally. With half a red onion. Yeah. Because I, I watched that and I was like, I get it. I get it. Like there's not one thing like people made fun of it, but I was like,

Charlie Sheen's just like doing Charlie Sheen. It's a great character. Right. It's a great character and you go, I know what I'm getting. There's no surprise here. Charlie Sheen's going to be an ass, like be this womanizer guy and the other guy's going to be a nerd and the kid's going to be the punk nose kid and that's it. That's it. And people work a shit job all day. They come home, they want to watch shit. Right. They don't want to be dazzled with intellectual shit.

Hey, what's your trauma today? How about we just watch Charlie Sheen? I will say, though, I did try to watch Big Bang Theory, and I'm like, I can't get through 10 minutes of this shit. It was too nerdy. It had no relatability. The thing that they were relatable on was with a nerd culture that I couldn't... I guess. But I would watch old... I watch Frasier now, and I'm like, this shit holds up so hard. Frasier's fucking amazing. Frasier's incredible. Frasier won all those Emmys when Seinfeld...

was at its peak. Like, Grazier was winning. You know, like... I know. Toss salad and scrambled egg. Yeah, great show. He'd be a fun guest on this party. Oh, he'd out-drink us all. Let's get Kelsey Grammer on this shit, dude. We might get some bag of blow, too. Right, you might have to get a mirror on the table. That dude definitely lives. He lives hard. He's from another era of, like... You talk about eras, like... The way he was paid...

When you were the lead of a sitcom on NBC... Oh, forget about it. Think of Jordan and the Bulls. Frazier and a whole industry. And he was on drugs for the whole first few seasons. He was completely tweaked up. It's crazy that he pulled it off. I think they had multiple interventions. He even said later on, John Mahoney, who played his dad, he was like, that dude is an actual father. I don't think he had a dad.

I think he had a horrible childhood. Like, really tragic. And he was like, that guy was like my actual dad. Wow. Crazy shit. I just can't imagine your Frasier, you know, like, you're just like...

walking around like and everyone just like let you like you have to be you're on drugs and i'm just the boss like everyone is like fine also you're so dignified in the show you're just like tweaking an alley then you come on like i'm listening yeah right the the dichotomy between who he played and what he was right or we what we think he was yeah high society

So true. That was a great show. Some of those shows still hold up. I mean, Niles is great on it, too. I can't believe shots are coming out. What are you guys doing to me? I got a Netflix special. I said no shots. This was Salacuse's experiment. Oh, and where is he for this shit? Fuck Cuse. What are you talking about? I can't believe how much branded stuff you guys have. This podcast has been around for five minutes. We might be drunk snifters and glasses. We have our own whiskey, too. I love it. The whiskey. We also have Bodega Cat whiskey. Love it.

Get a shot of it. Or diggacatwhiskey.com, baby. It's available online. This Michelada is really fucking good, though. Hitting the spot.

Really good for the summer. It's awesome. I love it. You know what I love it? It slows me down. Yeah. You can't chug this. No, you can't. The way we did the beer, I had that beer in my cup. Well, that's why the tequila shot's there. Right. There you go. Give us some Rex. I want some ball Rex. Get ready, Peters, with the ones and twos. I'm happy you brought me on to help the listeners out. Hell yeah. I actually went on a great date last night, and I think...

Everyone should do it. Okay. Okay. Drift in. It's on the West Side Highway. If you go walk down, it's outdoors. So if you want to impress a woman, I'm saying to the male listeners, if you're looking to have an easy time,

Easy date night. Yep, yep. You walk down Christopher all the way to the water. Drifton is on the right if you take a right after Christopher. They also have oysters. They got food and stuff, but I wouldn't go there for food because if you look at it from...

From the Hudson River looking at it. Yeah. There's a right side and a left side. Go to the right side. The left side, you need a reservation. The right side is just a bar. Got it. So you go to the right side, you go to the bar. They got chairs out. They got bean bags, cornhole. Yeah. And you can just have an easy... The thing you want on a date is to look like you have a plan.

Oh, dude, you must clean up with your plan. You're all planned. This is all my whole plan. So you go to this place. You go on the right side. Even if you went with a couple of guys, there's going to be women there. It's on the water. It's cool. And it's cool and nice and fun. And you look like you know something. And it's not busy.

No, no, no. It's not crazy. That's a great spot. If you go on a Tuesday night, yeah, they own like all these kind of water bars. They must have a deal with like the mayor or some shit. Yeah, that place is great too. That place on a boat, but you obviously don't deserve that. Yeah, but that's like, that's a panty dropper. They have a great place. It's a submarine that goes to the bottom of the Titanic. Yeah.

So this is the side that's reservations, but if you go to the other side, there's not. And then I went to Tacoma. I got to say, there's a bunch of locations. Easy. Sat down in half a second. The guac was on the table two minutes later. Margaritas in hand. Tacoma, what a solid date night spot. There's one on Bleecker. There's one in Soho. And now there's one in Brooklyn. Right. So these are just...

I don't know it. You want places. When you go on a date, have you guys ever gone on a date where you're like, hey, we're going to go to this place, and then they're like, we're full, and then you have to now find the nearest, most perfect place, and you just have this woman following you around? Yes. Did he do anything? The pressure's on. Right. Oh, I've seen that place. I've walked by there. There's one on Bleecker. It literally looks like you're – they've built it to look like you're outside on a street corner in Mexico. Yeah, it feels like that.

Yeah, I think that's a great date spot. And the menu is like sushi where you tick it off. Like I'll take a shrimp taco. It's not too complicated. But I wanted to know, I came on here and you guys gave me a little homework. No, I'm sorry. We know you're good for it. Well, what's your favorite road bar? Like not in New York. Not in New York. I got some New York ones here for people that come to New York. But what is your favorite...

We are all people, comics on the road. Yeah. We all have a drink. Yeah. What is your go-to road bar? Like, is there a city bar combo that sticks with you?

Yeah. You know what I love? I love... What's it called? It's in Chicago. It's like a... I got a couple Chicago recs. It's the Capone spot. And it's in the movie Thief with James Caan. Okay. Which is a fucking great movie, by the way. Yeah. I just watched it recently. I gotta rewatch it. Oh, yeah. The Green Mill. I love the Green Mill. Oh, the Green Mill's...

I've done a show there. Me too. Great bar. That's a really cool, it's like a Capone bar. And another great Chicago one is Shaw's. It's like a seafood restaurant, but it's one of those like old school. Green Mill, the show there is great, right? Yeah. It's like a daytime. Paper machete. Yes. I've done the show. It's great. That wraparound bar. And everyone there is like cool and smart and like ready to hear some material. There it is. It's beautiful. It's a great bar.

So that's a good one. I'm trying to think of other ones. Here's my Chicago. L.A., I love Musso and Franks. I love old-timey bars like that. L.A., I had an old-school one, but in the 80s, I went to a different era. What do you got? The Frolic Room.

Pull it up. We tried to go there, Mark. It looks L.A. Mark and I were in L.A. and we were trying to go there, but it was Netflix Fest. I've been here. The place is great. Oh, no, I've been there. Yeah, it's in Hollywood. It's Hollywood. It's in Hollywood. It looks like an 80s hairband bar. I've been here. Yes. Great bar, just great vibe. Good one. Just a fun drink is going to happen there. It's got the stars on the sidewalk. Yeah, I know it. I actually have been here. Chicago, I had...

Killer. This is great. Chicago, I had Lone Wolf and the West Loop. Let's pull that up. Pull it up. I don't know Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf and West Loop. I mean, these places better give me a first fucking drink. What's good about the Lone Wolf? I know, right? Great area town. West Loop is our West Village. Oh, yeah? Great area. A little bit upper crust area. You can go to a lot of different bars. I love the look of it. This place is open later than most. Okay. I think it's a 3 a.m. bar.

bar, big square bar, easy to get into. There's sometimes a line, but again, like I want vibe and you want people hanging out. I want people, you know, so this is a great, like I could be there late. I love a bar that gives a shit because you feel it right when you walk in. You're like, all right, these people planned all of this. They know what they're doing here. Totally. It's right near the Soho house in Chicago, which I mean, like

Good Soho House. It's just a good area. Asha Falls across the street. Great burger. Great burger. Are you a Soho House guy? I am. Okay, my lady is. Jared took me there once. Oh, really? We went there. I think it was on Christmas Day. We did go on Christmas Day. Because Jared came over to watch Hoops. I had a couple friends over. We watched Hoops, and then we ordered Chinese food. Everyone took two dumps and sampled my fresh new bidet. Nice. Not so much Chinese food and alcohol. Great bidet. It's a great bidet.

But I recommend that bidet. That bidet was great. I'm going to eat it tonight. We went to SoHouse. That was pretty swanky. That was pretty cool. It's great. There's a good scene there. You know, that's a fun just be able to like, SoHouse is good. It's a base. Great base. You have somewhere to go. Totally right. And it's also anywhere you go. The one in Nashville, that might be my favorite hotel to stay at on the road. Really? Period. And you can stay there without being a member.

So they have a pool, bar area, and also it's not on... Look at that. Beautiful lobby. Here's the thing about Nashville...

is you don't want to be on Broadway. You don't want to be near the bachelor's party. No, no. Fucking chicks on the pedal bike, get out of here. You don't want any of that. That's how the whole city runs, electricity. The biking on those damn... Drunk chicks just powering the whole thing. This is a great bar area, but then there's bars near that. That area of Nashville where the Soho House is, I don't know what that area is called if you can look it up. Tons of great bars in that street that's all adjacent to all that

kind of like what's going on there. Yeah. And I walked around there with Theo once. It was like I was at Elvis. Oh, sure. It was insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They went nuts. Also, favorite bar in Nashville, Red Door Tavern. Pull it up. Red Door. I'm like, this is Plug City, baby. I know. But I want you to go to these places. I will. I think you guys would like them. I love the bar. Lucy and I, we go and smoke cigs at Red Door. I don't even smoke cigarettes. Ah.

It's kind of fun though to do it every once in a while. Look at the picnic tables outside. That's not the one. There's another Red Door. Not Red Door Tavern. Red Door Saloon. There we go. In Nashville. I love a saloon. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nashville.

It's just a great indoor-outdoor. This bar right now is fist-pumping. Yeah! But I love this bar. You got to give us a good Boston one, too, because you got Boston ties. Oh, the Boston one. Oh, there's only one. I forgot the right bar. I can't believe that's the one on my list. From Boston. Finish Red Door. Okay, Red Door Saloon. Great spot. Makes you want to smoke a cigarette outside. Man. Even if you don't smoke cigs, there's always a hang. Lots of beer.

It looks kind of grimy in a good way. Grimy in a good way is kind of the theme of my list right now. I love that. Because Frolic Room is in the same vein as this. Yes, yes. Best bartenders I've ever seen at the Red Door Saloon in Nashville. Wow. Honestly, they are packed. What's the criteria for best bartenders? Quick, look in the eye, ready for an order. If you stammer a little bit, they'll give you an extra second. I think these guys appreciate...

You know, like a little bit of like energy when you come to the bar. Yeah, yeah, right. Okay. You're like a zaggot. Dude, I think about this a lot, and I hate bad recommendations. Okay. When someone comes to me with a recommendation that's more about them than it is about you, I think it's the most selfish thing in the world. I agree. Oh.

I went to... I was in... Where did I go? I was in Houston, and someone told me, they're like, go to Bar Taco. I was like, that's a chain. Yeah. It's like, what's going to be? Do you know me at all? Like, I hated the person. You gotta go to Shake Shack. Yeah, ever heard of it? The Great Burger? Yeah. Whataburger? Yeah. Okay, so... Yeah, what do we got in Boston? Boston? The Departed Bar, is that the one? Well, the one I would say... Yeah. I...

I think the new... So there's two places I would give. One is owned by the Garrett that has bars here in New York. Uh-huh. And it's Borrachata. It's like a speakeasy behind a taco place.

I don't have the name. This is Boston. Boston Speakeasy Garrick Group. Look up that. I don't like the Garrick Group's bars here. Are they the ones who do off the wagon? No, no, no. That's my buddy. Those are great. Those are great. If you go to... Not the Green Mill. The Mill. The Hill. They have... There it is. Hair of the Dog. Hair of the Dog. Off the Wagon. Down the Hatch. That's all there. That's it. Yeah. What's it called? Borochito? Borochito.

That's it. Great bar. Okay. That's new. I went there last time I was in Boston. But the Seaport. I fucking love Boston, dude. I love Boston. I grew up in Needham, which is outside of Boston. I think I'm going to take my next special at the Wilbur. Hell yeah. The Wilbur, I think, is the best theater. Magical. It's the most club. Right. It's the most clubbish. But this bar. I mean, look at that bar.

I didn't mean to cut you off. You grew up in the Seaport? Grew up in Needham. So like growing up, like I, you know, I never went, I didn't have a Boston adulthood. I've always been in New York. But I would say the whole Seaport district didn't really exist when I grew up there. Now it's been all built up. There's a bar that was the first bar open in the Seaport, Lucky Lounge. Lucky Lounge is a fun time and it reminds me of New York. Can you pull up a picture of Lucky Lounge there?

I love going to Lucky Lounge. Open late. Fun crew. They used to do bands. They don't anymore because I think the neighbors complain. But, like, look at this place. This is kind of in the vein. Right up my anal. Right? Look at this. I just got laid off. I want to fucking tie one on. Right. And I want to do it in good company. My buddy and I, my buddy almost got in a fight last time I was there. He, like, some guy had a, it was like an older guy. Because here's what I love about a bar. The bars I like hanging out with are when you can't figure out who goes. Right.

Mixed clientele. Mixed crowd. It's just drinkers. Right. I like when it's just people who are like, we're having a night. Let's just drink. And there's no like...

White you know like you know you go to a party like oh, it's all white women no no this is everything yeah, no It could be a bachelorette party it all could also be like a bunch of dudes that are out for the night It could be all races religions backgrounds socio-economic. I love the color - it's a Cassavetes film or some shit dude The right side is like this booze and stuff and then left side is like more bar room. Yeah Wow I just love it there. I'm a huge fan

Lucky. But we were there, my buddy and I. My buddy's like hammered, and he looks at this guy, and he had the creases in his shirt still. It looked like he just unfolded it from the store. And my buddy looked at him. He's like, what's with the creases? And the guy's like, you want to fight about it? Like right away. It's Boston for you. Right. He went straight Boston immediately. Okay, so that's my Boston Rex. Love it. That's a good one. Atlanta. Ooh.

Ooh, hit me with Atlanta. One of my favorite bars in the world. Are you going to say Claremont Lounge? I like the Claremont Lounge. I love the Claremont Lounge. A lot of nights there. I like that we're all just seasoned road dogs and we know every fucking... I mean, you just go straight there after a gig. Claremont Lounge, while I went there, it's a woman-owned strip club. And I went with Michelle.

So Michelle and I sit down, and the woman whose daughter runs it was like, oh my God, Michelle. Was so pumped, saw Michelle. And we're in a strip club. Amazing. She gives us a book about the place. She tells us the whole history. Women own. They all have health insurance. You start to feel good about going to a strip club. So the best bar in the world, Johnny's Hideaway in Atlanta. Oh, I love this place.

love this bar. It's the best. In Buckhead. Yes, it's in Buckhead. That's like the fancy area. Fancy area, hot milfs. It's almost too full. That's the only problem. It's all milfs. Look at that. It is too full and they don't let you dance on the dance. They have a dance floor that they kick you off of if you bring the glass on the dance floor. Right.

They serve you in crystal glasses. Yeah, it's so cool. It's a fun, cool bar. And again, $20 at the door. There's always a line. You've got to give $20 to the bouncer. It'll get you ahead of the line. You feel like you're in Key West when you go in there. You feel like you're in Key West in the 70s or something. I will be going there. It's a hot spot. It's red. It's dark. It's hot. That was on my list for specials. I just like Atlanta. I love Atlanta. Hotlanta. Love Atlanta.

I mean, what's not to like about Atlanta? Yeah. Like, that's like, like, I go there every time. I'm like, I think this is the future. Like, it feels like... What, a black gay? Yeah.

What? A lot of gay black people. Well, I'm saying it has everything. It doesn't feel like, again, going to a bar, especially Johnny's Hideaway, and you go, I can't believe every type is here. Yes. It is a lot of hot milk, though. That's the prevalent type. That actually is a perk. Clint Eastwood. Yeah. Okay, so on Johnny's Hideaway.

The bar that reminds me most of Johnny's Hideaway on the road is in Dallas, Inwood Tavern. Okay. I don't know, because I'm always out in Addison doing that improv. So I drive down. Okay. So this is Inwood Tavern. I mean, does that not look like Johnny's? It looks like a tattoo spot or something. A little bit. You're right. Whoa.

I've been here. You've been here? Yeah. I went there with a guy who worked for the Dallas Mavs once. Yeah, we had a fun night. Great bar. Okay. Great bar.

Then he took me out later that night. We went to Inbred Tavern. Not nearly as good. No, it was a great bar. Chicago, I had Lone Wolf and then Old Town Alehouse. You've definitely been there. Old Town Alehouse is the greatest. Oh, that's classic. That was in a movie, too. That was where Ebert used to drink. Yes. Bourdain did an episode there. I mean, that was around the block from Old Town Zanies. Yes. It's right near Zanies. And, of course, the owner does Nude.

paintings of everybody. Yes, that's right. You've got some great Trump ones up there. I've gotten fucking hammered there. I've hooked up with two zany waitresses, both plus size, in that bar, and they were huge. Years and years ago. Cheap, too. For that area? Oh, yeah. And the tamale guy comes in.

It's a great bar. It's just like, and you do feel the most in Chicago. Yes. You know, like everyone says da bears there. Right. That's the owner. We need a good, we need a good SF. I got one. I got one. Next on my list. Buddha bar. Buddha. I think there's nothing better than drinking in Chinatown in San Francisco.

I completely agree. It is the best drinking area, most underrated drinking area. Love it. There are all these little tiny bars. So like Buddha Bar is like, the bar might be 10 feet. Wait a minute. Is this on the pier? No. Okay. Okay. I mean, look at this bar. Wow.

I love it. Is that not San Francisco? Chinatown. Chinatown, baby. You ever go to Yang Sing in SF? Is that a dim sum place? A dim sum. Yes, I think I have. Did my boy Adam Swig take you there? Well, Swig, that guy's the best. He's the fucking best. That guy's shout out to Swig. I hooked Jared up with my buddy Swig, who's like the fucking mayor of SF. Oh, right.

Nothing makes me feel more like a comedian than when another comedian is like, here's my guy there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's got this guy's swing. Take care of him. Take care of him. And he's this Jewish guy who puts on these Jewish things. But he's like cool Jew. It's like DJ Jew. Oh, okay. DJ Jew. Right. He plays all the hits. He's a spit and bagel. He's less Natterman, more, you know. Right. Right.

Less than a bit more modest Yahoo. Yeah, he leans modest Yahoo. Yeah, this guy. Budapest, though, one of my favorites. Also, Vesuvius is across from... Oh, yes. Do you know that place? I've been there. Yeah, that's a sexy spot. Vesuvius, going upstairs and having a martini there, that's a great time to...

That's across from Cobbs. Right, right. There's a spot on the pier, Matt, if you can find it. But look how sexy that is. I know that city is in shambles right now, but I fucking love it. I don't think it's in shambles. I think the media portrays it in shambles. I think you're right. I think you're not going to go to the Tenderloin to drink. No. But the marina is...

Stunning. I mean, that's like West Village for here. I love it. Again, it's a high-end area, but it's great. And that old trolley goes by, the architecture. It's beautiful. It's like one of the most European-feeling American cities. 100%. The way NOLA has that feel. Yeah, I love it. I love San Francisco in a way that I can't explain. It's beautiful.

It feels like a hug. Yes. The food there. You ever go to the sandwich place, the Italian sandwich place? What's that? I go every time I'm there. I'm a seafood slut there. I'm a Soda Mori guy. Oh, yeah. What's the Swan Oyster Depot? Yes. I think Bourdain went there. That was his spot. American Joe's. Have you ever been there? American Joe's. Joe's. Look up American Joe's San Francisco. That is one of the best bars in the country. Original Joe's. That's what it's called.

How about San Diego? Do we have any San Diego? I have a San Diego spot. You're a fucking tank. I don't know San Diego that well. So I just did San Diego. I've been doing the store in La Jolla, which I like. That town is just like... That's a kill box. Oh, it is a kill box. That's a great room. Murder there. Okay, Molinari Delicatessen to finish out San Francisco. Molinari. That is the best Italian sandwich I have ever had in my entire life. They sent me a bunch of shit because I talked about it once.

I mean, look at that. Oh, my God. That's right up my alley. Molinari. I sit outside in one of those chairs. There's like four chairs. Oh, my God. I get the sandwich inside. It is. I mean, look at that. Come on, baby. Don't. Stop it. That should be in between two legs. Exactly. That is beautiful. I want to put my dick in that bread. Holy shit. Woo. Woo.

A good Italian sandwich. Why are you hosting a food bar show? This is my dream. I am out for this. You really should. This should be a part of Jared's luxury lounge, and it should be... You should be doing, like, food on a YouTube channel. I could really review a place like I... Because I...

I just hate bad recommendations, like, in a way that, like, really makes me annoyed. That's the first episode. Bad recommendations. That's what you say. Fuck bad recommendations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how you give a good rec, and you... Well, because when I was doing all the Board Lord stuff, I was yelling at the charcuterie boards, and, like, I was doing them because they were getting attention, and people were liking them, and they were funny. I was the Board Lord. That's great. So I'm looking at these charcuteries, and the main premise of Board Lord was...

You get to a party, and if they're thinking of themselves in their Instagram picture more than they're thinking of your stomach, they're a piece of shit. I love it. Do you know what I mean? And I think a lot of times recommendations go that way. They're like, oh, I want to look like the person who sent you to this place. But it's like, do you even think... I'm going to Raleigh soon. I like Raleigh. It's a good city. I like Raleigh. Good food.

Are you going this month? Yeah. I think they're doing the... I could be wrong, but don't they do that big festival? The carnival. I forgot what it's called. It's in Raleigh. Uh...

Fuck. You know what they do? Look up big festival. It's like games and fucking turkey legs and shit. Oh, okay. I would love that. What's it called? Whether you're trying to get off the sauce or you're trying to stop spending all of the money in your retirement fund, quitting can sometimes be tough. If you're looking to quit that nasty hand-to-mouth habit, you're not alone. Fume can help.

It's a cool, innovative device that takes the bad out of bad habit. Fume replaces electronics, vapor, and harmful chemicals with all-natural flavored air. This is, you know, you want to get off this stuff, use it. If your fidgety fume has movable parts and magnets to keep your hands occupied, and with an incredible airflow and awesome flavors to choose from, you can totally customize your experience.

Stopping is something we all put off because it's hard, but switching to Fume is easy, enjoyable, and even fun. Fume has served over 100,000 customers and thousands of success stories, and there's no reason that can't be you. Join Fume in accelerating humanity's backup from destructive habits by picking the Journey Pack today.

Head to tryfume.com and use code DRUNK to save 10% off when you get the Journey Pack today. That's tryfume.com and use code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off your order today. Fume.com, code DRUNK. Bring your grooming routine with you this summer. Manscaped's brand new Handyman electric face shaver makes looking great super quick and convenient.

Whether you're just trying to shape up your beard or want to chop everything off and start over with its hybrid long hair leveler and foil shaver blades, the handyman has got you covered, folks. Oh, yeah.

Woo! The compact design makes it amazing for travel and with 60 minutes of run time and a 5 minute quick charge option you won't be out of battery anytime soon. You got that right. I keep mine in my suitcase. I use it on the road. It's the best thing for ya. You gotta have it. I love it. It's got a light on it. It gets all those nooks and crannies without nicking ya. No nicks!

Just like the basketball team. Are they in the playoffs? No Knicks. I'm drunk. If you're trying to seriously change up your look, add the beard hedger to your arsenal too. It's built to cut through even the thickest facial hair with a single stroke, saving you tons of time. So get 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. Damn, that's a steal, folks.

Woo, baby. That's D-U-R-N-K at manscaped.com. 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use promo code DRUNK. Hit the refresh button with Manscaped and clean up your genitals, folks. Thank you. Back to the show. Not Renaissance, but it's like... Beer, bourbon, and barbecue? No. Raleigh's a great city-suburban combo. It's under the radar, too. Under the radar. Great city. People are moving there like crazy. Ah.

But I'm getting recommendations right now, and it's like, choose a path for me. Have some confidence. Yes. If I could remember the name of this, I'd wreck the fuck out of it. Yeah, send it to me. I mean, it gets me kind of annoyed because I'm like, this person sent me recommendations for Raleigh, and it's like, the message went three scrolls. And I'm like, you get one night. We have one weekend, no dinners. We can only go at like...

Five at the latest. Yeah. You know, we're in a weird position. Give me some bars here. And we can only eat at five and drink at midnight. Right. So our recommendation is like, are you thinking of me if you're like, go to this Italian spot? Like, I'm not going to go to this Italian spot. I went to a cool spot right next to the Good Nights Club where it used to be. I think it's a new location now. Great spot. Oh, the food spot? With the mechanical bull. Oh, I don't know that place. I don't know that place.

It was an outdoor, like, beerish spot. Yeah. That I know, that I'm thinking of. Yeah. But I just like Raleigh. I mean... Great town. Underrated, like, not pretentious town. Totally. You know, they're just fun, wholesome, salt-of-the-earth people. I agree with that. Okay. Okay, so... Are we gonna do New York, or what else? We'll go to New York last. Okay, okay. Because we gotta discuss our favorites. San Diego Tivoli Bar. That's, like, an old place. That's, like...

I like old. But there was another bar. I couldn't think of the name. It might be Tivoli. I'm pretty positive. Because there's a Tivoli here. It's a deli. This is more sports bar-ish. Mmm. San Diego. That looks like something. Also, what's the area of San Diego that's above it a little bit? There's Gaslight, which is their downtown-y. I wasn't a fan of Gaslight. No. There's another area that's more towards the beach, Pacific Beach. Mmm.

Look up Pacific Beach bars because I think that's where I'm... PB. PB. That's what the kids call it. Okay. We got anything here? Oh, I've gone out here. Yeah, it's a great place to go out. Great spot. It's a rowdy, rowdy area. It's kind of the fratty area. There's some really good, fun bars there. Yeah. Can I give a weird random reference? Atlantic City, if you're ever there, Tony's Baltimore Grill. Oh, okay. Pull it up.

Well, this guy's got a lot to pull up here. Tony Bologna. Open some tabs, baby. What the fuck did he just write in there? He had one Michelada. You got nothing on NOLA, huh? Because I'll do NOLA if you're not doing this place. NOLA I don't have. Look at this fucking bar. You get like a rum and coke for six bucks and a pint glass. It's great. Yeah, oh, I've been there. I mean, that meatball sub looks amazing. That's heavy stuff.

So with New Orleans, I always get sent to places that people know already. What's the wine place that's the best wine bar in the country? Oh, there's Bacchanal. Bacchanal. That's the one that everyone says. And you kind of feel like hacked.

Yeah, it's a little girl sorority. You want to be on Magazine Street, right? That's got some cool bars. Magazine is great. Frenchman is a hot spot. But there's Miss Mays on Napoleon. Yeah, I've been there. It's killer. No drink is more than $2. That's their thing. And you're talking about a mixed crowd. You get the old guy who just lost his job. You got the divorcee. You got the weird loud black chicks. You got the gutter punks. It's everything. I love that. Liz sent me to a place in New Orleans.

Where it was a laundromat or something. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's a couple of those. Yeah. Just like they have the off the wagon, whatever. There's a few, there's a guy there who owns like five bars. That was... Igor's, Buddha Belly, uh...

Blanking. Checkpoint Charlie. And then Sean Patton sent me to a place with the Irish coffee, frozen Irish coffee. Oh, Molly's. Molly's on the market. That place was great. That's a great spot. I enjoyed that. And then I went to the bar that rotates...

was kind of cool. Oh, the Carousel Bar. It was cool, but you could tell it was a bunch of Green Bay Packers fans. Yes, whoever's in town that week goes there. If you want a good cocktail but still have a divey vibe, Bar Tanique is fantastic. In New Orleans? Yes, in New Orleans. Incredible. Tonic. Bar Tanique. Yeah, tonic. I don't know how to spell it. It's T-O-N-I-Q. Can I get a gin and tanique? Tonic.

No, it's not. But it's a cute one. I know the point. But we say tonic. Is that how you say it? I've been there twice. No, I would be. I get it. It's so good because the bar theaters are great, but it's still like a divey atmosphere because it's kind of rowdy a little bit. But you get fantastic, like actually nice cocktails. Are we doing any like Florida or Midwest type shit? I got Delray. Florida.

I got a place in Delray only because my parents live down there. There's a great bar on the beach called The Sand Bar. Because Tampa's got some spots, too. Tampa has spots. Tampa's great. I'm going to be there in December and I just fucking did it. I'm like, I love Tampa. Tampa's young, too. It just feels like I feel too old to even be in town there. It's really young.

The sandbar in Delray, if you want like a daytime hangout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. You're showing all these pictures in the episode, right? This is awesome. Right across from the beach. It's a party. People are there to party. They're not there to like... This is an off-the-beach bar. You don't want the on-the-beach bar because people are there to be at the beach. This is like the kids are away. We're going to go to this bar and really do it up. This is like my family. We go across the street to the beach.

And I just... My brother and I... Every woman in this picture is hot as shit. Well, they know what they're doing. I mean, Del Rey, to me, as far as recommendations are concerned...

I put on my... Someone was like, where should I do a weekend with my boyfriend? I was like, go to Delray. Really? I don't even know Delray. What is Delray? Delray is... So there's like Boca is like a little bit inland and then Delray is like on the beach. So if you went to... If you flew into West Palm, half hour south of West Palm. Okay. I'm down. And also a half hour north of Fort Lauderdale. So...

Miami is Miami. We've all been to Miami. I get what I'm getting there. It's Miami Beach. It's great. It's fun. It's international. Fine. Fort Lauderdale is kind of considered like the cheaper version of Miami. You're going to get a little bit more Floridian. You're going to get a little more tourist. Much better comedy crowds in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

Miami. No, Fort Lauderdale. And Fort Lauderdale. I think their crowds are way better. I think Miami's more of a transplant city. They don't give a shit. Fort Lauderdale's going to be like, I've grown up around Fort Lauderdale. Delray is...

you're gonna get as nice a hotel you're gonna be able to like go to bars and go to eat you're not gonna be at a nightclub like i think that's a weekend if i was to send someone like go do a weekend yeah you're gonna get the beach great i love it i can't believe i'm coming with my weekend recommendation bring it all on we'll take everything this is good stuff i think helpful to us things can be helpful to everybody well i think if people are like that's beautiful if i'm seven months in with my girlfriend and we're like what do we do in october

There's the first trip. Delray. To Michigan. Woo-wee! Florida. I know everybody shits on Florida, but it is a magical place. My parents live in Boca. It's a mixed bag. It's like any state. There's great parts of Florida. Absolutely. I think it's... I'm actually... Guess what? I'm going back. Oh! Oh!

Breaking news! Oh, man. Oh, man. I got a bar for you. We're doing a fucking revenge video. You're doing two tours? I'm going back. We're doing a small theater in Naples. Oh, you're going to be in a theater, though? It's going to be great. Not in Naples, bro. It's still going to be a bloodbath. No, you hate it. They're going to come ready to get trashed. Right. They want to be made funny. You're going to bring, like, 20 Naples minutes. They're going to want that. It's going to be a bloodbath.

Go to Blue Martini. There you go. Is that good? So Blue Martini in Naples is like a whole. I don't think it's good. It's hilarious. It's all men in their 60s. You go there. I like that. It's men in their 60s with like the paisley shirt with the collar and the cuffs. And they are just like, it's like you landed in 1995. They're all hitting on women. They're all getting after it. There's no phones out. Yeah.

Like there's a DJ. It is hilarious. It is...

the pinnacle of old dude hitting on young women. Oh, I love it. You ever been to that? Look at this. I mean, look at this. That's it, yeah. Oh, this is great. A lot of bad cans and fake tits. Blue Martini is a chain, but it's like, I've used it as a punchline many times, like on Instagram stories or something, like when I'm making fun of The Bachelor, I get more messages from people being like, dude, you've never been more right about a place in your entire life. Like, that's Blue Martini. I don't know. I had a bad night at Pulse. All right.

All right. We'll keep it moving. What else you got? Okay. Last one. I got to give a shout out to my buddy in Charleston. Charleston is one of the better drinking, eating towns in the country. Charleston's bananas. There's nothing more. I was there on a Monday this year. We did a great show. Well, it was part of a long run coming back. Yeah. So it was a great, great night, but it was a Monday. I always say it's New Orleans with manners. I couldn't agree more. My buddy's got a bar called Uptown Social, so he's like,

They're killing it. Like, they're absolutely... They've opened up two more bars since. Wow. But Uptown Social has this rooftop that, like, if you want to, like, have fun... Yeah. Look at this rooftop. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on. Beautiful. Now we're talking. Beautiful. And then... There it is. Wow. That's the real rooftop. Oh, my God. Holy moly. But it's a little young. It's a little young, but you're going to have a great time. Like, as far as base place to party... Yeah. And he's got another place called Bodega and another place called Sharehouse. But, like, all his bars...

Same as the hair of the dog off the wagon in New York. Same bar group. Got it. Oh, okay. They know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. And then Leon's, the fried chicken place, is like one of the best places in the world. Really? Well, what's the deal with Toronto? I can't tell if there's 12 people who live there or 500,000. I can't get a read on how many people live there.

Because it's kind of got a small town vibe, but then it's always like on these food shows. When my buddy moved down there, I was like, there's no doubt he's going to be the mayor there. I was like this fast talking New Yorker coming down there and he's like killing it. And I'm so happy for him, but he's like building a house, all this shit, like growing town, new airport. That's a big deal. That's how you know it's coming up. Great city. We did a pickup game there on Monday.

These motherfuckers wouldn't miss a shot. Really? It's one of the things we're like, these are like all white dudes who are pulling up from 40. Like they're Damien Lillard. There's one guy I'm playing with. We chat for a while. He's like, oh, I know your comedy. We talked a little bit. And he was like, forgot who the fuck his last name was. But he told me who his uncle was. That name sounds familiar.

Two-time All-Star in the NBA. Really? White guy with a mustache. Played for Milwaukee. I don't remember his name. But he was cool as fuck. And they were all nice dudes. Charleston's a great, great city. I love it. I love your comedy now. Now I'm going to beat your ass. I love your comedy. No, he was on my team. I was letting them down. I was costing them. There you go.

Oh, yeah. So what are your New York places? Yeah, now let's get cooking. Here's one that I know we'll bond on, and there's another Bourdain spot, but I'm a native New Yorker, so I went to this place before I knew Bourdain liked it. Corner Bistro is a classic. It's great. It's great. And I actually have a great story going there recently. That's in the village. Yeah. Yeah, Great Burger. I was there a couple months ago. A girl texted me that I met on a dating app a few months ago. She was like,

I never met her. She's like, corner bistro now. And I got there. They're outside, drinking out, hammered, like having a time. And then they just kept bringing over shots. And we're just like chilling in the street Sunday in New York. It's a great spot. It's chill. It's cash only, which is kind of funny. But I remember I was there like a year ago. Look at that.

I'm chilling at the bar and the guy, we chat for a while, the bartender's a cool guy and he's like, what do you do? And I finally, I don't like saying comic, but I'm a comic. He's like, oh man, we had a real famous comic do a show here one night. And I was like, oh yeah, here he goes, this guy, Mark Norman. In there? Yeah. Really? Yeah, but yeah, I mean, great spot.

The burger's great. The fries are great. Yeah. Killer. Good bar. And beautiful. Like the five block radius of that area is so pretty of the village. Oh my God. I mean, I'm going to give a bar out that's right around the corner. Hit me, baby. WXOU. Oh.

I've been there with you. What a classic. It's amazing. We've gone together. Well, Vreed and I have been there together, and one of my favorite parts is who recognizes him versus who recognizes me. Some hot girl's like, are you Jared Freed? Some dude with one eyebrow's like, I know you.

What are you going to do? That is a perfect hole in the wall. I hope it never goes away because the neighborhood used to be full of these and they're all dissipating. Also cash only, by the way. Cash only. Is there a link between cool-ass bars? I guess they can get away with it. Especially in New York because it means people will get the fuck out of there.

Right. Like you can sit. Right. And also, we walk in from the cellar. We're kings. Right. Cash heavy. Yes. Good point. I love it. I walk in there. You know what's great about this place? I used to live right by here. And during the winter, I'd walk by. And after enough people coming in and out, the windows are fogged. Yes. Because it's just hot, sunny.

sexy drinking in there. Right. And, you know, it's cold outside. It's a great vibe. It's a great vibe. And every bar that we've talked about, the one thing that comes out, that red hue. Yes. You know, that hue, baby. That hue that you're like, I'm in a...

Yeah, it's a great winter spot. Great summer. I mean, summer. Bob Seger plays hourly. Hourly. Night moves hourly. Come on. That's one of the best songs to hear in a bar. Let's talk about some songs. I mean, any Seger song, but like, holy shit. 3 a.m. when I hear night moves, I'm like, I made the right decision. Yes, yes. Bob Seger fucking rules. I'm so happy I'm here. Oh, yeah. Well, we're throwing out bars. I don't even know the name of this bar, but we're in the area.

It's called Bar, and it's on Greenwich Ave. By the way, Fiddlesticks isn't bad. Fiddlesticks is pretty good. The frat guys took it over. No, Fiddlesticks made a comeback during the pandemic. Okay, that bar is killer. They're kind of back now. That's big. It's creaky. It's like an old ship. Hold on. It's just called Bar. It's on Greenwich Ave, and I think it's called John's Bar or John's maybe.

Try John's. It's a hole in the wall. There it is, that blue sign. See, it says bar. That's it.

It's about the size of a subway car. It's been there since the who knows when, the 30s. It's cheap, it's dirty, and it's killer. I love this area so much. Great spot. I gotta go there. Oh, man. It's great. It's also cash only. Also, if we're talking old New York, you can't leave out McSorley's. Out of respect, you gotta give them some love. I went there a week ago. I had like an hour to kill. I just popped in there. I got the potato leek soup.

That's old school. When was the last time you guys went to Rudy's? Where's Rudy's? That's in Times Square, 44th and 9th. Yeah, it's like old Times Square. Free hot dogs. Get the pig outside. Free hot dogs with the pig outside. I drank there with you a few times. Oh, I've been there with Che, I think. Yeah, he used to live around there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a hot spot. There was always some shady shit going down, but Rudy's, part of the fact that Rudy's was so clutch is... Free hot dog. Well, not only that, but it was in that area, it was hard to find a place that wasn't a shithole and a ripoff. Right. And Rudy's was a shithole, but it wasn't a ripoff. No, cheap, cheap drinks. Okay. Duct tape on the seats. You know what's another great New York bar? We used to go there in high school, but they changed the location. The Subway Inn.

Have you ever been there? Oh, I know the Subway Inn. Old school. Look at that fucking... Yeah. Oh, I know. I've seen that sign. And where was that? Well, it was on 59th and Lex, but they moved over to like York or something. Oh, it was by Dangerfields. Yeah. Yes. Oh, I know. Yeah. Old school. That's a hot spot. Oh, man. I remember the bartender there. Yeah.

He was like a fucking character. We were kids. He grabbed one of my friends and just stuck his tongue down his throat. Oh, my God. And we were like, oh, my God. But we were drunk. We didn't realize until the next day. I'm like, did he just force himself on Nick? I love it. Why does Sam hang out with the most horrific people? He's the bartender. Everyone Sam hangs out with is just this. He was the bartender. I got a few more. You ready? I like an abusive bartender who does something horrible, and then he's like, shot, shot. Heart of gold. I remember that scene.

Spring Lounge. Oh! Love the spring. That's another classic. Oh, my God. With the shark on the outside. Spring Lounge is... John Mayer hangs out there. Ah, it's tiny in there, too. Tiny. Gets a little foggy. This bar, not cheap. There's the shark. Yeah, there's the shark. Great back area to sit. I've made out with a lot of dudes. I mean, yeah, a lot of fun times in there. Down the street, Mother's Ruin.

Great food. Mother's ruin. Good cocktails. Good cocktails. Great food. And good lady. Lady place. The ladies love Mother's ruin. Ladies love Mother's ruin. It is a great spot. Similar area. You know what's kind of a fun West Village spot is Kettle of Fish. You ever go there? I love Kettle of Fish. That's a cool bar. Packers bar. Yeah. That's right. They do Packers. It looks like someone's basement in Milwaukee. Fudge Packers. Next door. But yeah.

That's a great bar. Talk about a dive. Again, those are going away. That's a great fun for your friend. Dude, meet me at Fudge Packers. Are you sure? Just fuck it. It's a cool bar, dude. Just come. Say Fuddruckers? No, no. Very different. But this place is cash only as well. ATM in there, though. Yeah, yeah. And then the Spaniard.

We've gone many times. We've gone many times. I have to give them a shout out. It's only good on Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays. Weekends, it sucks. Weekends, you don't want to go. Too busy. You want to stay away from it. Weekdays, there's always going to be singles. I call it the 27-year-old embassy. Because it's all 27-year-olds. Just all single 27-year-olds hanging out. And it's just a good...

A good area you can go from place to place. That area needed that bar. It was kind of an oasis. Not an oasis. A desert. A desert for a while. And then that place opened and it changed everything. It's true. There's also a bar down the street that's a good real, real shithole dive. It's got the horse on it. Barrow Street Ale House. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right down the street. And I've only gone there when I couldn't get into space. Exactly. They're keeping it open. It's kind of like Greenwich Comedy Club.

And a cellar. But yeah, that's just a great, if you really want to get trashed and eat a quesadilla at 4 a.m. And get trashed quickly, they have the touch screens on the waitresses. Right. So they'll come up, boop, boop, bop, boop, boop, and throw a drink at you. Okay. That might be the moment where I'm an alcoholic, where I'm like, yeah, they'll get you the drink quicker. Yeah, boop, boop, bop, boop, bop. What about Bank Street Bar? Bank Street, well, it's Broom Street. Broom Street Bar? Yeah.

That's a good one. Right outside of Soho, right getting into Tribeca, Broom Street Bar. There it is. That's a classic. I love that bar. Jeter used to pick up chicks there. That's a great bar. And down the street, there's a bar that got repopular. Finelli's. Oh, yes. It's gotten very... That's cool. It's gotten like... Celebi? A little celebi, a little like... It's gotten very influencer-y. Is that what it's called? Finelli...

Yeah, something like that. What the fuck are we doing right now? We're on a podcast talking about our favorite bars. But we're drinking. These people want photos. There it is. Yeah, yeah. It's a great spot. It's a great spot that's gotten TikTok-y, I would say. That's the crowd. Get out of there. We're trying to get hammered and forget about our feelings. There's another old bar. It's further downtown. I'm kind of like Hudson.

One of the oldest bars. Look up oldest bars in New York because it's one of them. I know what you're talking about. Ear bar. Ear bar. That's it. That's fucking it. Oh, come on. That's on Spring Street. I know ear bar. That's a good fucking bar. It's slanted. It's so old. It's like crooked because it's by the water. There it is. The B fucked up. Now it's called ear bar.

It's a white horse tavern. White horse. Oh, that's a staple. We went there recently, too. We went there. Too busy. Yeah. But I did sit down there. Good burger, though. Good burger. Good food. Good fries. Crinkle cut. That place in the pandemic was like the hot spot. A well-done crinkle cut? Oh, my God. Put it in my eyes. Let's rank fries, though. Want to rank fries? Oh, shit. Crinkle cut.

I go Curly. Well, they never get well done enough. Curly's good. Curly's tough to beat. If they're all well done. Curly. Steak, I like. You're the steak fry I've ever liked. I'm going to go shoestring over Curly.

I like a shoestring. I mean, I hate to blow up another. If we're talking about great fries and a great bar, fucking Mineta, dude. Oh, Mineta! I had an issue there the other night. Really? I had an issue. What happened? I went to the bar, I got the fries, and I go, I want them hot, I want them well done. I'm not eating fries that aren't hot and well done. They bring it out, they were like stale. Oh. And I go, I don't want to be this guy.

but these are just not right and I go touch them you know put your hand on them like I need you to know that I'm not sitting here complaining yeah they go no this is horrific they bring them back

second round of fries just as cold as the first jeez what is going on I don't know maybe they're losing it aye aye aye I love them and I uh again I this is me not trying to cancel them this is me asking them to improve and okay yeah we're disappointed hopefully Mineta has a path to redemption guys Lizzo was like why can't they do it with me

I love that place. But yeah, that's disappointing. I mean, look, every once in a while, I love Joe's Pizza. You go there late night sometimes. You can end it off night. You get a phone in and in. Let me give an updated, a new place that used to be an old place that just reopened.

Not just. Milady's. Milady's? Milady's was a bar that, like, I think the pandemic closed. They redid it. It's beautiful. So that's what it used to look like, I think. It's Soho. Oh, okay. Looks fancy. It's got a fancy look. I mean, look at that. It looks cool. Great date spot. Jocelyn Chee is not allowed. Oh, that's Malaysia. Sorry. Okay. Had to set that one up. But yeah, I don't know Milady's. I'm into it.

All right. Okay. Wait, hold on. I had one. I had one. I lost it. Cherry Tavern. You want to get crazy. Cherry Tavern. This is Avenue B and fucking 6th Street, I think. There it is. That's where you really go to kill yourself. Wow. It's rough. But, man, it's cheap. You know what's a cool one in the village? You ever go to Doc Holliday's? Oh, a great bar. Yeah.

I got some tahini in the back of my throat. I thought you were bullshitting me. Now we're going East Village. Doc Holliday's is great. Great bar. Great bar. You want to see the most fucked up bar? It's like Kraftwerk. Have you ever been there? No, never heard of it. It's...

The last time I went there, the bartender was... It's all, like, punk, like, tagged up, like, East Village Bar near Thomas Park. Last time I went there, the bartender was... It was in the middle of the day, but the bartender was sleeping with his, like, legs kicked up. Is that it? And there's a bucket of bars. No. No. There's a bucket of beers on the bar, and it just says, Honor System, five cups of beer. Oh, get out of town. That's not going to work. He just snoozes in, like... Ah!

I hope this is my 14th beer. I'm an honorable man. That's like where the crossbunks go to drink, like in Tompkins Square Park. Remember Turkey's Nest? Oh, wait. Turkey's Nest. Jesus. How about Horseshoe Bar?

Wait a minute. On Avenue B. Horseshoe Bar. 7th and B. We called it Horseshoe Bar because it was a horseshoe-shaped bar. Yeah. 7th and B, I think that's what it's called. Oh, 7B. That's what it's called. That's a great fucking bar. It's a great bar. A lot of movies filmed there. Remember this place? Where's Turkey's Nest? That's on Bedford and Williamsburg. Oh, I wouldn't know that.

It's a fucking cool spot. I don't leave the island. He doesn't leave the island. One of my favorite beer bars in New York is Drop Off Service. Oh, that's a good spot. Fantastic. That's in the village. We call this the horseshoe bar. That's a great bar. Great bar. Talk about the windows fogging. Yes. I can't believe we haven't brought up this one. It's a sleeper. It's the East Village. I know it. Blue and gold. Oh.

I was thinking something else, but that is a great bar. You get a glass of shivers for five bucks. That's a great bar. You get like good ass shivers. I got the shivers when I was in there. That's a great bar. Yeah. I hooked up with a girl in there. She walked up to me and I fucked her. Oh, really? It was a great night. Judy Gold. Look her up. Hold on. What's the fucking blaze with Eric I? Well, I closed down. Ah.

The St. Mark's something. Holiday cocktail lounge. Holiday cocktail lounge. Right on St. Mark's. Another classic. Cheap drinks. Mark and I had some fucking bombs in that room. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Eric Guy. God bless him. This guy would run...

seven shows a week not one of them was good but Mark and I would do all of them everyone like dude one run one good show instead of seven where there's four people each show let's concentrate on one thing we were just bomb every time but I remember like man that one metal I mean you know you're fucked when you see that metal it was rough but it was a great little bar great bar

Damn. Is this entertaining to anyone outside? I'm wondering if I fucked up your podcast. No, I think this is fascinating. I want someone to do the We Might Be Drunk bar tour. They go to all these places. We'll get a bus.

This could be fun. Hell yeah. This would be great. We all go. We might die. But yeah, that would be cool. Well, we won't be driving the bus. No, no, no. We'll just be riding it. But yeah. All right. Might be funnier for you if we drive. But yeah, I was just hitting people on the sidewalk. Oh. It's for a podcast. Yeah. 40 tickets sold, 14 people dead. Oh, wait. What about the other room? You ever been to the other room? Wait, I do know the other room. Oh, you know the other room. It's on Perry. It's also Automatic Slims.

I thought that closed. No, I don't think so. Other room, I know what you're talking about. I'm thinking of Tortilla Flats. A little smelly. Yeah, Tortilla Flats closed, but that's a great make-out bar. The other room is a great place for a date. And it's hidden in... I love when a bar is hidden in a neighborhood, just tucked away. What the hell is this around, Beardjie? What are we doing? Now we're just going straight Cadillac Margarita. What's a Cadillac Margarita? It's a margarita that's really expensive.

No, it was just made with Grand Marnier and an older age tequila. Oh, okay. Thanks. You didn't want shots, so I was like, no, let's go. Hold on. Wrong glass. You still got the tajin on there. Okay. I haven't had this much tajin since I...

We didn't even do the shot. Well, the booze is working. Set up was clutch. Ooh, this is great. Look up Automatic Slims. It's right around the corner from... The other one's good. It's on Greenwich Street. Yeah, yeah. This is a great party bar.

I've never been in there when people were in there. It's always empty. Automatic Slims? Yeah. Maybe I'm not going there enough. Well, I've only been there when it's packed like crazy. Oh, okay. Here's the Bermuda Triangle of that neighborhood is WXOU, Automatic Slims, White Horse Tavern. Also, I go to another bar for football Sundays. It's the only sports bar in the West Village. Wogie's? No, that's a Philly bar, so I stay away from it. Is Barrow?

You're a hardcore Patriots guy. I like the Patriots. I've kind of fallen out. Not Barrow. Does your brother still work for the Dolphins? No, he's in a new team. He's the Bears. So I'm like, now I'm a Bears fan. Go Bears. Ditka. Was that Ditka? Yeah. Okay. Thank God. Yeah, so when I want to watch a game...

You know, that's like... Yeah, put in Patriot's Bar. Bayards. Bayards! Bayards. I know Bayards. Good wings over there. Bayards. I went to Bayards once, and there is a... So you're going to Dublin? Yeah. So I'm, like, friendly with the bartender there. This is a crazy story. I go... I tell the bartender she's from...

uh ireland and i go yeah i'm going to dublin belfast copenhagen oslo was one of the best shows i've ever had in my life um really i couldn't i when you say oslo i mean give me some highlights of oslo i did a sauna on the water you can go they have these saunas that are on the fjord and you can just go in there and then jump in the water the water's like you know freezing cold what time of year are you going

September, late September. You got to do it. You got to do these saunas on the water. And you can like, it's just, it was unbelievable there. But I'm at Bayards and the woman, she's like, it's like three in the morning.

She goes, you got to try and talk about recommendations since we're on the topic. I go, I'm going to Belfast. She goes, the best pizza in the world is in Belfast. Best pizza in the world is in Ireland. I go, no fucking way. I'm like, I'm not going. I go, I'm living in New York. You're not telling me the best pizza. She goes, no, no, no. You got to go get pizza in Belfast. I go, what are you talking about? I go look it up. What's it called? Fuck. That's where Van Morrison's from.

What are the Belfast pizza places? Just look it up. Splats. Spats. Spats. Something. What's it called? Belfast pizza. No. This is a slow search right here. I'm in drinking. I loved it. I loved it. I'm dying here. I guess look at the name for your show. Cock sucking zagget. All right. It's called, what is it called?

All right, we're going to get it right here. Oh, this pizza looks like ass. Come on. That ain't it. The Pizza Guys. These are great names. Pizza Works. I follow them on fucking Instagram. Little Wing Pizzeria. Little Italy. No. That's not bad looking. Goodfellas, of course. Hack. Green's Pizza. Yuck. Pizza Punks. Flout Pizza. Flout Pizza.

Flout pizza. Maybe this is crazy. So I go, I, this woman, she's like the best pizza in the world. And in Belfast, I go, come on, why would I go to pizza in Belfast? She goes, you gotta go. I messaged this guy on Instagram, flout pizza. I go, Hey man, I'm holy shit. It looks good. I mean, this is like in crust. I go to, I messaged this guy. I'm like, Hey, I'm going to be in town on this. He goes, he goes, we're, we're out of pizza by two. Can you be here before two? And I'm like,

This is a good sign, right? Yeah. I go to this pizza place. I get there at like 1, and he's basically put aside a pizza for me. What? Well, how do you do that? What do you do? I get a crazy business plan for this guy. Get more pizza. Right, right. You're running out every day at 2 p.m.? His name's Peter. We have a slice together. It was very Bourdain-ish. I go, hey, man. He gives me a big hug when I walk in. This guy's name is Peter. He's a big red-headed guy.

And I go, what's – I go, I'm here. And he puts out a whole thing for me. And it's like they do the deep dish. They do the – all the different types. They make their own homemade hot honey with like the chilies in it. Oh.

Oh, come on. He's like, my wife got diagnosed with some sort of disease, and I've always just had an interest in pizza. I went and put all our money into the oven, and I'm open this place. Wow. I was touched. And I'm like, it's the best pizza I have ever. You should have saved some for treatment. I was thinking the same thing. I'll tell you. No, this looks incredible. The life's dead, but the pizza's amazing. It's the most incredible pizza I've ever had in my life. It's your number one? I think it's number one. Wow.

I think it's number one. Dublin. How about that? Belfast.

This guy was the nicest guy, and then we had a moment. This is the thing. When someone gives you a good recommendation, and you're helping their business, and he's like, just like us, when someone likes your comedy, you go, I put everything in this. I know, I know. I can't thank you enough. I don't know what to say. There he is. There's Peter. That's him on the right. He's got two kids. Wow. Is his wife okay? I don't know. I didn't get into it. I didn't ask. I was afraid to ask. I don't know. Yeah, you don't ask.

He couldn't have been nicer to me. He gave me everything for free. I dropped a 50 on the table. I go, this is for the house. I don't know what to do. So, I mean, no offense, but I feel like if I DM'd a restaurant, they'd be like, yeah, come in and buy a piece, you chooch. Who do you think you are? Well, I came in planning to pay. Yeah, yeah. I DM'd him. I go, hey, man. That looks really good. That looks great. It's un-fucking-believable. And-

That's the type of pizza I like. I like the thin crust. Oh, easy. Yeah. But it's crazy to go to a bar when you start to get to know the... So April 28th at 2.27 a.m. Wow, look at that. Look at that bottom of that slice. Hey, I'm coming to Belfast next week. I'd love to come in. The date is 5-4.

He writes back, would love to have you. We'll be open. Do you want to let me know a time that suits you? We might have a little queue, but you might come right on in and say hello if that's cool. So I go 2.30. He's like, he's got to pick up his kids. He's telling me all this stuff. It's just I had such like a heartwarming when someone's like, hey, go message the place and go. Yeah.

I love it. I'm impressed with you, too, because somebody goes, hey, the best pizza in Belfast. I go, all right, Dick, let's keep the shots coming. I'll see you later. You know, I don't listen. She wasn't the only one who told me that, because the first time I did the same thing, I'm like, I live in New York. I've had the best fucking pizza. By the way, best pizza I've had is New Haven. It's pretty good. I think Frank Pepe's, Sally's, those are some insanely good. And also...

In Tulsa, there's a place. Tulsa? He's a New York guy who makes it in Tulsa. The DeMarco slice. We've plugged them on here before, but it was incredible. I mean, we've had a lot of good pizza in our day. I love a good slice. I get mad when someone, again, bad recommendation. When I go somewhere and someone's like, oh, the pizza. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I came from New York. Give me what you do. It's Andolini's in Tulsa. Okay.

I always say, and then Colin Quinn backed me up on this, best pizzas in Long Island. And people laugh at me, and I go, I don't know, it's a great pizza. And then Colin Quinn goes, all the Brooklyn guys moved to Long Island. Yeah. So they just brought the pizza. I'm with you on that. I think now it's all those people that have those mom and pop dinner restaurant type pizza places. Yeah. I think Jersey definitely has some plate. Oh, Jersey's got some great pizza, yeah. Staten Island's fantastic.

Yeah. Staten Island. Still New York City. Problem is you have to go to Staten Island. Right. That's the real problem there. Huge issue. But yeah, they do have great pizza. I don't leave the island, so I'm like. Yeah. Yeah. I'm lazy as well.

It's amazing. You won't go to Staten Island, but you'll go to Belfast for pizza. But I relate to that. Yeah, it's the people. Yeah. I won't get in a ferry, but I'll get in a plane. Yeah, you can't fly to Staten Island. Delta doesn't do Delta One there. Delta One is clutch. Oh, I'm fucked. I'm going to L.A. I got...

No Delta 1. I didn't either. I'm fifth on the list. I'm going later, too. When are you going? I'm going in a week. Oh, I'll be there later this month. It's too bad we're not there together. It would have been fun to double up on some of these. Yeah, hell yeah. Are you doing shows there? Yeah, doing the Ace Theater, and I'm going to jump around the improv in the store. Yeah, I'm doing the improv on Friday. But I know that Delta 1 thing, it stares at you like 100,000 miles, and you're like, I'm not doing 100,000.

What? No, it's crazy. And then you're like, oh, well. I had the worst one the other day. I missed a flight, so they put me on standby for the next flight. And I was third on standby. And they were like, hey, okay, Jeff Johnson, he's number one. Yes, number one's going. I felt like I was holding a ticket. And then they're like, number two, Bob Seger. Okay, Bob said, here we go, baby. And then they go...

Joseph Wheeler. He was 26. And I go, what the fuck is that? You jumped me. And she was like, he's got status more than you. How is that possible? I know. So I didn't get on. That bothers me so much. We fly so much. We made a commitment to an airline. And I go, who? I need an interview. Anyone that's ahead of me, I'm like, I got to know everything about their life. Yeah, right. I think who is it? Maybe Todd Barry once said, like, you can't beat China.

Like, if someone flies to China once, they beat you. Like, you're fucked. But, like, I just want to know what their life is. Well, I'm taking United to Australia. I did that, too. I don't normally fly United, but give me something that will give me some points. Right. I'm 1K with United because of Australia. 1K is pretty sweet. And that's one flight?

Yeah. They're in back. Delta's... Delta's solid for... They're all bad, but, like, United fucking... They'll just cancel a flight with no explanation. I think Delta...

They're so out in front of it. The app is so good. I think if you have a good app, we're good. I went from the Delta app to the United app and it was loading forever. I'm like, Jesus Christ, pick it up, United. It's good to have competition. You don't want there to just be one. It's like when Netflix was only dominating. You want other shit. Of course, it keeps them in check.

But yeah, you go to a... United's like going to cable. You know, it's slow. Hotel room cable. You're like, fuck, change the channel. Yeah, with no guide button. Yeah. You're like, oh, I can't... I have to go through the numbers to find ESPN? Oh. Sorry. Go ahead. That's a peeve of mine. The fucking hotel channels, there's a weird black delay between every channel, and I'm like...

This adds like 25 minutes to my watching. We didn't even do relationship questions, did we? Let's do a couple. Let's do it, we got you here. I just gave them where to go on the first date. Jared is really fucking good at this. We've done both on his podcast.

And you give articulate and insightful advice. Well, I'm usually not three drinks in plus a shot, but we'll see what happens here. Now you get the real advice. Let's see what we got. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years. She moved to New York to get her master's. I stayed here in Baltimore to work. Oh.

Tough. But with my job, I cannot leave the state of Maryland until 2026, the earliest. 2026? What year is it now? I know. Is he in high school? He's got to wait until he graduates? While she's committed to never living in Maryland again, good for her, and plans on either staying in New York or moving back with her parents in Philly after she graduates.

We really are in love, but I feel like this past year of long distance has created almost daily fights over the stupidest fucking shit. Can long distance work long term? I mean, I don't think so, but... It can, but not in this situation. No. They're done. It's over. She's trying to...

She's trying to get the baby to cry himself to sleep. Yes. She wants this to end and she doesn't want to end it. I can tell you right now, like the idea that you're having daily fights. Okay. Over the distance. When you have long distance, the only way long distance work is a plan.

So it's like, hey, this week we're doing Baltimore. Next week we're going to do. If you're in a serious relationship, as they are and they have been in, why is the communication not about what our solution is? It's all about the problem. The problem is the problem. You can't move until 2026. If you're talking about the problem, that means someone wants out of it and wants to remind you there's a problem.

She's trying to get you to dump yourself. Right. And you're the loser. You're at home and stuck in Maryland until 2026. So the loser, it's tough to be the winner and dump you. Oh. So she doesn't want to dump you. Well said. That's good. Well said. I told you guys she was good. You nailed it. You nailed it. Yeah. And she's in New York. She's at Mother's Ruin right now blowing a finance guy. No offense, buddy. The time of

her life. She's like, I gotta take this. He's gonna cry about our relationship. And she's hoping the next call is you going...

hey, it's over for me. But you're never going to do that because you're in loser land, Maryland. She's in Winterville, New York. And you're like, well, if you're not talking about when's the next visit, you're only talking about what's making you not want to visit. Yes, exactly. So I hate to say it. I don't want to be mean to the guy, but like, get out. You got to get out of jail free card and go get laid in Baltimore. It's time to end it. And I feel for them because this is the hardest thing because you go,

We're so good here when we're in Maryland. It's like, you know, you got a four year prison sentence. Yeah. Maryland's over, baby. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it's not even that. It's not like you're doing New York to L.A. or something. No. You're doing, but it's a pretty easy train ride. But then that, but that turns into its own thing, right? Totally. Here's the thing. Distance, it does work and it doesn't work. You know, what those two opinions take over the conversation. Yeah.

Like, it can work, but you're not even doing the things to make it work. Right. That means someone's not trying. That means someone doesn't want to be in this relationship. She thought, I think she probably thought this was the out. Oh, moving to New York, and he's holding on to it. Right. She's like, oh, you're still holding on to it, but she doesn't want to break up with him, so they're fighting. It's hard when you love someone to end it. Of course. Of course. So the worst relationships are the ones, the worst endings are the ones you blame on something else. Mm.

And you go, oh, it's the distance. No, it's not the distance. You both don't want to be together. Yep. You're saying the distance is the problem, but she moved. She didn't even include you in that conversation. She's not even saying, what's the dates you're coming in? Yeah, that's poor. Daily fights. I feel bad. It sucks, but it's time to end it. It does suck. Oh.

All right, well, let's ruin another life. Here's where we get another. Been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. She's great. The only problem is she's not as fit as she was when we first met, and I don't find myself as attracted to her as when we first met. Don't say that. Yeah. I've made that mistake before.

Oh, really? You've said that? I know I fucked up. I'm a bad person. How'd you do it? I said, yeah, you've gained a lot of weight. I fucked up. What? That's crazy. I have a joke about this in my act now, but you've got to make it positive. You've got to be like, I think it's cool that everyone at the ice cream store knows your name. Turned into a good thing. That's great. I can't believe you said you've gained a lot of weight.

That's crazy. It was a lot. It was a lot. So did she. The problem is she seems to have no desire to go to the gym at all anymore. When should I start worrying that I won't be physically attracted during the long term? Well, my opinion is you already ain't. Yeah, yeah. You're fucked. You got to be with someone who you're attracted to. And if they're not going to take care of themselves and you do, then...

Attraction is a part of a relationship. Here's the problem. This conversation gets bogged down in the weight, you know, the physical looks of it. It's not about that. You guys have different interests now. You know, she is interested in living a lifestyle that you have a different interest in. That's the really way to look at it. It's not...

you know, attracted, not attracted. You're just turned off by this lifestyle. Again, that's not a judgment of like someone's looks. That's we have different interests. Right. You think that's like more of the core of the issue. Maybe not interest. Maybe like if you want to be with someone who goes, oh, should I put on some weight? I got to work on this. Right. That's the thing. The motivation. Like, listen, everyone has different looks they're into. Sure. So it's like this isn't about good or bad. This is about good.

My mentality is a little... I'm turned off by the mentality. Just like you said, the motivation. That's a big part of it. And I think when it gets...

What gets in the way is like the looks factor. Yeah. Because that's not what this is about. But there are people out there who are really hot when they're single and then get into relationships. That's the thing. And they're like, I'm letting this, I'm letting everything out. I mean, that's me. I mean, I get in a relationship, I'm farting everywhere. I'm shitting all over the house. I'm like a dog that wasn't trained. You know, I'm like, I'm out there. Like, I remember that I was dating a girl and she was like,

Like, I farted, and she was like, it's enough. Wow. Like, I am not attracted. This joke isn't funny anymore. I thought, I'm like, walking around. That's how I proposed. There you go. She was like, I do. But here's what's tough about this. And women, they're not going to want to hear this, but women get mad at men for this shit. Like, that's so insensitive. It's like, it's just how we're wired. We don't want to be this way. It just isn't.

If a guy loses his job and goes broke and just sits on the couch all day playing video games, that's unattractive too. Right. Well, that's again, but that goes back to motivation. It's not about looks. Right. It's not about she's gained weight. It's I'm not attracted to this version of the person that I used to be attracted to. Yes. And that's in the way of it. Now are there solutions? Hey, if I was this person, you want a solution to your problem, here's some ideas. Why don't you start doing some fitness classes that you want to do that you would have fun doing and include her? Hmm.

But is that not kind of like insulting to her being like, hey, I want to do this thing. I'm getting into running. I'm getting into this. I would love for you to come with me. I don't know. I think that's a good idea. I just don't know if it's going to hurt her feelings.

It might, but that's what's tough about the ladies is like now she's fat and crying. You know, you're like, wait, what? You can't have both. You know, like, so you gain weight and I'm still... Don't say that. Okay. Mark's like, this is too bad thing. Yeah, yeah, it is. I think it's more like, you know, if it's a motivation thing, maybe you're the... You know, because obviously when someone like puts on weight, sometimes it's like...

I'm out of my groove. Maybe they're going through something else that you don't know about. That's true. Where like, hey, I'm looking to do stuff. Let's do something new. Maybe that gets them out of their funk and you go, and now you're back. Hey, we're doing this class. It was kind of fun. I'm part of that. There's...

This conversation gets shushed by people who are like, you're being rude. Exactly. It's not about, let's change what the conversation's about, is really what I think. I like that. That's a good point. And it's a good way to get it off weight a little bit, too. It's not about weight. Listen, I've been with women. They put on a few pounds. I'm like, oh, hot. Yeah, and you can go to the other end and get too skinny. It goes all ways. That's true. Okay.

I think the out of the groove thing is like really important. Good point. Yeah, are you okay? It's like, hey, let's switch it up. Let's go here. Let's go somewhere else. Let's not eat pizza at 2 a.m. Right. It's like you can tell someone to go to the gym when you're both at home or whatever and that just sounds rude or, you know, like they're not going to listen to that. It just makes them

feel bad. That's a hard thing to say to a woman, though, too. To be like, I've noticed you've gained 25 pounds. You must be in a rut. Let's talk about it. No, but if you just say, let's take this trip, let's go here, let's go there. Change it up. Yeah, it's like you're driving on a bikini and you're like, oh, I have been slacking. I'm trying to hang out with you. Is really the...

I think that's really important. But this guy's in a tough spot. There's a long one. Oh, a woman. I'm married. I'm married 10 years, dating and fucking on the regular for at least the first eight years. And then things slowly started to dwindle. I think they were fucking. Oh, they were fucking on the regular. And then things started to do. I mean, eight years is pretty good either.

The female was always being the one to instigate. And over time, I would get the I'm tired bullshit. Then it came down to rejection. Like, I'm tired or you're too drunk. That's when I started giving up. I'm super horny and I just turned 40. And I feel like I'm in my prime. This is reading like a penthouse letter. I know. I felt my chub move. I'm so ready to fuck at any moment.

I asked my husband if he doesn't want to fuck me, maybe we could have an open relationship. No. Maybe we could swing. No. So I got a couple of vibrators and they're awesome, but I'm feeling the urge to cheat because I'm so unhappy and so horny. What do you think? Wow.

I mean, this is a pretty hot message. It's hot. It is. Super hot. Penthouse forums type stuff. These are the women when you're single and you meet that gal at the bar and you're like, can I buy you a drink? She's like, you can buy me a cab. And you're like, it's my lucky day. You know? But you got to find these women. They have to go through hell before they do that to you. This is tough. I mean, this person needs to end their marriage. Sounds like it. I mean, there's only one piece of advice.

There's a reason. Again, it's not the sex. It's not the problem. It's the other problem. You know, like there's a reason this person is not having sex and it's not about their tire. It's not about the, oh, if they're straight up turning you down.

You're not having a conversation. You can't be only talking about sex. You're right. Why are you turning me down? I'm looking... When do you feel turned on by me? What's the disconnect here? I don't think they're talking. You're right. You're right. There's something in the relationship that's in the air. There's a stale thing going on that he's bottling up, and that's what's preventing him from fucking. This is a very male way of arguing, too, of kind of shutting off. It's like...

He's either lost interest in the relationship. Or he's fucking around. He's fucking around. Oh, nice. Because he's always turning down sex. I mean, like, I don't buy that a guy has zero sex drive. I understand that sex slows down in every relationship. But to have zero drive and never want to fuck your partner? Or, again, we go to the body stuff. Maybe he's going through something. You know, what are you going through? Like...

This is they've made it about sex and it's not about sex at all. You know, like, oh, my husband won't fuck me. What should I do? I'm thinking of cheating. No, no, no. Let's take care of the husband issue. This isn't a sex issue. This is a marriage issue. And she's getting hammered and he's not.

Basically, she's saying, like, I get really he's like, you're too drunk. So she's out getting hammered and he's at home probably working or watching TV. So they're already disconnecting there. So there's a lot of stuff going on in this relationship that she's not saying. Yeah, there's it's again, the answer sometimes in the email. Yeah. Maybe like they've got to do a date night thing where they get drunk together. I mean, you got to try something. Well, that's the thing. Here's the thing. Relationships are negotiations. You have to have two people at the table having the negotiations.

She's negotiating against herself. Like, he's, hey, I want to have sex. No. That's not a negotiation. Right. That's nothing. Okay, she's got to follow. Well, why? What's going on? And sex becomes hard because you're like, I don't want to force someone to have sex with me. That's not what you're asking for. Sex is done. We're not having sex. I don't even know why you're not having sex. Exactly. They're bottling stuff up and...

she's trying to just fuck and forget about it. And he's like, I can't fuck you. I got stuff in my head. That's the thing. She's like, this email is written to be cool girl. Right. There's a lot of like, I want to fuck at every moment. I got the vibrators. Put them away. We have to go to a therapist. They don't need to fuck. They need a big fight. A big fight would save this. And nobody wants to have that fight because it's confrontation. It's awkward. But that would clear the air. And then they would fuck right after. I guarantee it.

Or he's cheating. Or he's cheating. Sounds like he might be cheating. It does sound like he is. And I agree with Joe. She's going to get out. Guys who, once they feel they slip the ring on, they're like, she's here forever now. I don't have to try ever. Yeah, there's that. If I was that way, though, I'd be depressed.

Like if I was in a marriage where I'm like, ring on, no more fucking. I'd be like, what? I know. That's such a weird mentality. It's a women thing. Right. And I hear that from married people. And it's like a joke. I'm like, that's not a joke to me. That's prison. You've got to lock the guy down so now you can be a shitty person. You got yourself out of the game. Right. I have a friend. I remember I was at his place. We were all hanging out. And it's like a college buddy.

And he's got kids. He's like, and he had this like, he was kind of hammered, but he gave this like big speech. He's like, if we're okay, they're okay. He kept being like, if we're okay, husband and wife, the kids are okay. And I always was like, yeah, I think he's got a good point. You know, like I'm like, if my mom and dad are still fucking, I'll probably be happier than if they're not fucking. That's a great point. And maybe that's going to be a bit. There's something. There's something there. Something there. I think so. Throw that in for the bit section. I like it. I like it. All right. We got another one here.

I'm curious if you guys feel stand-up improves or hinders your game with women. Oh, forget about it. I don't think you should get into stand-up solely to pursue dating. Absolutely not. But I'm curious to hear if you think it benefits your social life in that area. Thanks. Comedy. Comedy.

This is someone who already got into stand-up to fuck. Like, hey, should this be going better than I thought it was? This is not why you should get into comedy, by the way. I mean, it makes it easier to meet women, obviously, after shows or in the DMs or whatever. But I think, you know, you get less. I mean, Jared and I were talking about, you know, going out earlier. Like, we definitely, you know, all of us would hit the town and stuff. But that's after shows. You get a late start. You miss out on a lot of the socializing, I think.

Well, here's the thing about stand-up. You're just in more social areas than you would be if you didn't do stand-up. Like, you know, Monday night, you wouldn't be out if you didn't do stand-up. You'd be at home watching your shows. So it's like the apps. Oh, I, you know...

people are like, I hate the apps. And you're like, yeah, because it's more, it's just more, you know, like, so for standup, we're just out more on someone's big night. So like, yeah, you're going to meet more people. I don't think you're going to meet more. Like I, I, I've never, I don't think I've met more like,

like that I was like crazy about because of Stan. You know, like I guess I'm out. I don't know. You're out and you're talking to a big group and then you go out after and you have a good answer. Well, what do you do? Jared, I'm a comic. What?

Holy shit, what's that? So now you're in it. It's not like I'm a data entry guy. Oh, nice to meet you there, Dickless. All right, what's this guy do? And you're funnier. You have lines. You have quips. You know yourself. You can read a room. You can read a woman. That is the thing. You do pick up skills to be able to talk to anybody. When I'm like, okay, I can go into performance mode at any point. Yeah, exactly. You ever been in a bar and some woman's kind of like me?

being mean just trying to give you shit negging and they're a little negging and then you go okay now i gotta go into like you know gotta go to the sheath and start doing my crowd work your crowd work yeah and you kind of go into that and they're like what what the fuck was that you were a ninja yeah it's like yeah there's a little of that that comes in handy but it's not that person that's trying to neg me isn't my like the partner i'm looking no no no maybe that night but no not a partner yeah

All right, good one. Is it strange for 28-year-old women to sleep with a stuffed animal? A little. Do you ever see this where you go to someone's house and they got the blankie from their... Yeah, I don't love it. Here's what I don't love. It's not that I don't care about the stuffed animal with the blankie. It's when it's disgusting.

Oh, yeah.

It's as if it has literally dried cum on it. I don't want that. Another dude's dried fucking semen. Yeah, it's crunchy. I know. I don't love this stuff. It's a little kiddy and weird. I don't know. You got some trauma, some past stuff coming up. It's a little much. Sam, you ever see it?

Yeah, not really. I guess I've seen like a weird blankie or stuff. Well, if you fuck kids, you're going to see a lot of this. It'll come up quite a bit. Pacifier, diapers, whatever it is. This was sent to us by a priest. How do you get better at fighting? We are similar in the sense of knowing each other so well that our fights can get too hurtful and mean. But we both know we need to control our own anger and fight better.

But doing it is hard in the moment. How can we get better at that? Oh, that's tough. You don't want to pull out, hey, you cunt. Hey, your mom's a bitch. Like, you don't want to go that, you fat whore. Like, that's when it gets ugly. It's hard when one of you is calm and the other one is, like, throwing daggers. That's true. Because sometimes it's uneven where one person is a terrible communicator and the other person is very peaceful. Right. And then the peaceful one is kind of, like, a little resentful. Like, well, I didn't fucking take any low blows at you. Yes, I could have. Right. I did.

That's, to me, like the worst type of relationship. I hate it. It's trashy. It is. To me, from the email, it sounds like two people who like winning. Mm.

And it's like, if you want to win, we've all been on stage and had a heckler or someone that's been shitty. And you're like, I'm just going to say the most horrific thing to this person. It never works. And it never works. It's a great Instagram video. Comedian destroys girlfriend. Girlfriend destroys comedian. It's like, you're not funny. And you're like, oh, I didn't see the comedian die. I hate that one bit you do. Your clothes are stinks. You know, like, I hate it.

But I've had that thing where you're on stage and you're like – and you don't feel good afterwards. Like that's why this person is asking this question. Like they get out of that fight and they're like, oh, we're both Rocky and Apollo at the end of the fight. Like we're both battered by this like argument that made us both realize that we both like said the worst things we could ever – I don't know. Like –

And the worst part is you will never forget that zing. That crazy barn burner of a line she had on you. That's going to live in your head forever, even when you're doing well in a relationship. Right. So you're kind of fucked. Yeah, no one's likable. I had someone at Stanford. I was in Stanford. I did the new New York Comedy Club there. Oh, yeah. It was pretty good. I had a good time. Not pretty good. Actually, really good. Yeah, I liked it. I had a great weekend. But one of the people in the crowd, the last show...

There was a woman with her boyfriend. They were just talking. Like, you could tell they weren't there for my show, which is fine. It's not fine. Fuck them. But it's like they were just having a conversation. And then I got to a part of my bit and they were like... I said something about like, yeah, before the beach, you look at yourself in the mirror and she's like, not... And I'm like, I'm talking about like looking at your body in the mirror before the beach. She's like, not if you wear a tankini. And I go...

I look at her and I go I was like oh let me see if the rest of the room wants to hear the drunk rantings of a horrible woman and I look at the crowd and they all laughed and I was like okay we're done you yelled out I got you done and then she's like

She kept doing this with her hand, like, to yell at the stage. And she's like, no, you don't want... You know, oh, no one wears a tankini. I go, I don't know what you're talking about. Your fashion sense is old. Yeah. I was like, the tankini's out. Like, it's been done. We were having... And every time I got her, she'd come back with something else. And I'm like...

I don't want to do this. It's only... And then it kept devolving into me. You know, like... Yeah. Because there's a point where it's like, yelled out. I got you. Got you. Like... It's over. It's over. We can get out of this. And then she yells... Then she goes, he tried to get tickets for Matt Rife and we couldn't get them. And I was like...

I go, okay. I go, I guess you're going to have to blow him behind his back another time. That's not that mean. Not that mean, but I didn't feel good about it. I was just like, enough of it. Because her thing got a reaction, like the Matt Wright, which I honestly, you seem like the type that would go to that show. Yeah, enjoy it. Like, go have fun. Good for Matt. But it is one of those things that like the whole, oh!

I'm like, no, they should go to that show. I'd be happier. Please, please. But it is funny that when it got to that point, I was just like, yes, I got you again. When does this end? Yeah, please stop. Or can security step in? What are we doing here? But to me, talking is worse than heckling. I would rather be heckled than give a back and forth. But just the...

I'd rather be hated than apathy is worse than... Right. Yeah, exactly. That was the thing. That's why I called them out. They were talking for the first three minutes, and then she yells out at three and a half minutes. I'm like, now I can let you know how I feel. I now have an opportunity where the crowd's going to know that you should be gotten. And then when you don't give that up, and I bring this back to this email, because when you're just going back and forth at different vulnerable barbs...

You know, like, there's nothing to be won. There's just an implosion. Like, so I don't know. You know, this is horrific. Yeah, yeah. That's a problem. Quit drinking, ladies.

I recently left my girl because I didn't think she has the curves I wanted. He should meet up with the fat chick. Absolutely great girl. Rearrange the couple. Yeah, with a stellar personality. Of course she's got a great personality. She's huge. But I just didn't, I couldn't see hitting it from behind for eternity. That's hilarious. Well, I think Shakespeare. You've got a bunch of knights in shining armor riding in. Let me know. Should I lower my standards or stay strong and hold out for the right cheeks?

I mean, who wrote this vanilla ice? This person is horrific. She'd have the right curves I wanted.

Wait, let me know. Should I lower my standards or stay strong? I think you should be attracted to the person you want to be with. But also, this sounds a little shallow here. I don't know. A little? Yeah. Hitting it from behind for eternity. Is that Hallmark? Yeah, I don't know. This breakup speech is going to be rough. Baby girl.

You know I love hitting that backside, but not lately. But what happens when age kicks in? Piece of shit. I don't know. This guy. Go seek a therapist. Yeah, I don't know either. All right. Number one, how do you approach the talk about budgets? I can't believe you got both of those emails in the same. We got a range of listeners. What a range.

Hey, the next email is going to be, when are you tapping that ass?

If you have a child from a previous relationship, how do you introduce them to your child? These are the questions they thought of for you guys. They were like, well, budgets mean, I mean, maybe money in a relationship. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know what the budgets are for. I think they need to get more specific. Yeah. Hey, how do you feel about rent on a monthly basis? What do you, I think, how do you feel? Questions are always good. Um,

If you have a child from a previous relationship, how do you introduce them to your child? I think you got to be okay with not introducing people to your kid. Huh? Like, I think you got to be like, people have to deserve that meeting. Well, but these are both his kids, I think. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, I don't think... You don't think his two kids should meet each other, you mean? If you have a child... How do you know it's a dude? Oh, if they both have... I thought he was introducing them to their... This might be a woman. ...person they're dating. Or she. She, yeah. Whoever...

how do you introduce them to your child them i think is the person they're dating oh yeah yeah so i think they're going yeah they're going how do i and it's like okay i would make sure that they deserve to like your kid's a big deal you're gonna have to yeah you're gonna have to undo that maybe so like i wouldn't want to wait a while right i would let that happen you know talk about your kid you know you know be proud of them but like

I would do that early. You would do it early? Yeah, just to let them know because you don't want to have a great relationship. Then you go, hey, by the way, old Timmy here has got Down syndrome. And they're like, wait, what? I didn't know you had a kid. And now it's all ruined. Well, they should know they have the kid. I'm saying like introduce them. Oh, okay, okay. Well, when you hear the screaming from the anal out of the bedroom, I think the kid will get hip to it. He's going to come in there going, mommy.

is there a woman getting hurt in here? You know, so that's a tough one. You're talking about the kid or your

Ah, jeez. Why do I have a hard time trusting? My girlfriend has never given me reason to doubt her, but I always assume she's out to do the worst. I believe she's either cheating or flirting with the next best looking guy. I've never been cheated on, so it's not past drama. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I'm super insecure. If so, what the hell do I do about it? This is a tough type of guy to date. If you're a woman, the guy, she's out with her friends and he's like, where the fuck were you, you whore? Yeah. She's like, I was at Chuck E. Cheese. I was with my mom. I was hanging. We were at Mount Sinai. Yeah, we were...

We're talking about the, you know, Tom Scandival. You know, we had a Bravo meetup.

Maybe he is sensing something. Well, perhaps I'm insecure. You're insecure. He is. Let's just admit to that. Whether it's brought upon by this relationship or... Yeah, you are not secure. You're not secure. So let's zone in on the problem. The problem isn't your girlfriend. It is you. It is time to seek therapy. You're insecure. Let's take stock of the things you're good at. Let's start working on my security. I'm insecure. We're all insecure. We all have our things. Big time. I think you got to like...

Accept it. Yeah. That's the first thing you got to do, but also seek a little bit of treatment. Because this is only going to fester. He's just going to get more and more, and he's going to start checking her phone. He's going to sniff panties. There's nothing more unattractive than jealousy.

It's not great. It's a bad look. It's not a good feeling. Especially when she hasn't done anything yet. Like, if she cheated at one point, I get it, okay. But this guy is pulling shit out of thin air. Well, yeah, we don't know. Like, maybe there... Has she given him reasons to feel this way? That's true. We don't know that. We don't know his past relationships, his history. He goes, why do I have a hard time trusting? Which makes me think this is not a new thing. He says he's never been cheated on. Yeah. That he knows. I, you know...

I think I fucked this chick. I trust this. Sorry. I trust this email. Perhaps I'm super insecure. No, no, no. You know it. You've written it out. You wrote it. Yeah, you wrote to strangers. Right. This is an admission. But can he bring this up to her or is that weird? To be like, look, I'm just nuts. Everything all right out there? Are we good? You wouldn't cheat on me. I don't know how to. When has a partner ever fixed your problem?

So you got to fix yourself before you can like fix yourself at the part or be aware enough to what your faults are. Right. Like I was all, you know, the nighttime eating stuff. I'm like, I know that's something I do. I know that's something I don't want to do as much. Okay. Acknowledging it as like, okay, the first step towards, can I be with someone who, Hey, you might see me get drunk and be like, I need to fucking eat. I'm sorry about that. Like this is something I'm working on. Yeah. You know?

Right, right. I don't know what to do to fix it, but he should realize, yeah, I am insecure. And it could get ugly. Like, you don't want to just start yelling at her one night. So you got to deal with yourself. You're right. In a relationship with a woman who won't have sex. Uh-oh, the old flipperoo again. Her sex drive is not what it used to be. I try to look past it because she is a great woman and would make a great wife. But the sex is not there and it's starting to get to me.

How do I know where to draw the line? I'm trying to put her needs before mine, but mine aren't being met and it's starting to affect me. Should I leave? Am I an asshole for leaving her if we don't fuck? No, you're not an asshole. No, it's time to leave this. Yeah. I mean, I don't understand why. I mean, I would ask her why she's not fucking you.

Yeah. Right. I hate that line of like, she's a great woman, would make a great wife. What? But you're not happy. Yeah, exactly. If you're not, you're saying your needs aren't being met. So why are you a bad person for leaving? These are your needs. And it's also like you pull her aside and you're like, hey, you notice that you never fuck me? Yeah. What's going on here? Yeah. Same thing. It's not the fucking, it's the relationship. Yeah. So it's like, that's the headline. They're burying the lead. Yeah. You guys are not a great couple.

And people do this a lot. They go, they're a good person. They check all these boxes. Anyone would like them. Yeah. Anyone would like anybody. Mother Teresa was a great woman. Do I want to stick it inside her? Will she let me stick it inside her? Do it for the story. Yeah, yeah. I think you got to either talk to her or get out there. You're young. You're fun. Everyone's great to someone.

You know, I think like, and I know that's hard, easier advice to give than to take. But when you write, she's a great woman and would make a great wife. What about the things specific to your relationship? Those are just vague. Yeah. You want this to be your wife and never get laid again? Bad idea. It sounds like you got to get out of this. Yeah. It's okay. Two good people can break up. Yeah.

For sure. And I've, and look. I have to remind myself of that in every breakup. Two, you can be a, you can end a relationship and also be an okay person. This is the best person to break up with because you know she's not fucking the next guy. You're not like, you're not stressed like, oh my God, she's probably, some guy's probably balls deep in her. Probably not. Maybe she doesn't like sex. Who knows? Yeah, some people.

Maybe it's just not you. Maybe, I mean, these are the ones I wonder, like, was the sex ever, because I've been in those before where, like, the sex isn't great out of the gate and you're like, I can't, maybe we'll figure it out. Maybe we won't. But, you know, there are people who just don't have high sex drives and it ain't getting better. But also, again, this goes back to relationships that are in negotiation. Like, it's like, you're not negotiating.

They're not at the table with you. Right. So it's like, okay, we need to be at the table about something else, obviously. Right. Oh, yeah. Something's up. Who knows how long they've been together. Hopefully, if it's not long, he can still get out. I've got to say, this margarita. It's good. It hit me. It's too good. I'm trying to slow down here. But I think we've got to wrap up. He's got to shit. This kid's about to be crazy. Well, Jared has a new special announcement.

I'm probably not. Do it. I'm not doing it alone. You want the shot? No, I'm not doing it. I'm out. This is our second episode. And I got day drunk yesterday. I got drunk last night. I gotta wake up for a flight. I'll do it with you. You got shows? It's 37 and single. It's on Netflix. Any dates you want to plug? Great website there. That is a good photo.

I just took a whole shoot with Provincia. Hey, we love Phil. Been a while. Great guy. Hey, speaking of Raleigh. I saw him in Stanford. Colchester. I know Colchester. I'm doing the Vineyard Show. I'm doing a Labor Day, whatever. Wine, whatever. Get some good wine. Providence, Atlanta, Huntington.

Yeah, just watch the special. I want people to go enjoy it. It's 37 and single, dating, breakups, late night eating, Jews. I talk about Jews. I got a nice Jew section in there. Nice, nice.

What else? You got your podcast. My podcast, the U.S. podcast, J Train. But you guys have both been great guests on that show. Oh, thank you. It was a fun time. And Mark, you're going to come back. Oh, yeah, I'm coming back on soon. And then, yeah, another special, 37th single. I want everyone to go watch and enjoy. It was a fun gender reveal bit. Oh, all right. I love the gender reveal bit. Hell, yeah. All right. Check out Jared. I can't wait to watch it.

Where'd you shoot it again? Gramercy Theater. Oh, nice. Sean December. There's a fun little thing at the end. Okay. I got something in the credits that everyone will enjoy. I know what it is. You show me this. Watch to the end. Yeah. Easter egg. Hey, I'm in Springfield, Chesterfield, Lisbon. Big Oslo, baby. Can't wait. What do you do in Springfield?

I have no idea. Some little theater if you go left there. Great hotel bar. Gillio's Theater. I know the chef at that restaurant. Get out of here. Good guy. Okay. You got to go to that. It's a great hotel. You're like, why is this hotel here? Really? Ended up there with Anthony DeVito. Had a few paper planes on that rooftop. There you go. All right. Yeah. And you're going to love Oslo. I can't wait. I'm going to tell people I know you. No, in Belfast. You got to pop into Belfast. Apparently. How far is that from Dublin? It's not close. Ah, fuck.

All right. Chip us a pie there, will you, Peter? Peter, Peter, pizza maker. I'm all over the UK, all over London, Glasgow, Hershey, PA, DC, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Cleveland, Ohio, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Denver, Colorado, Grand Junction, New Orleans, Santa Rosa, Sacramento, Kansas City, Baltimore, Norfolk, Alabama, Markner, soup to nuts. Give it a watch. Get some bodega cat. Where you at, Sammy? The pole. York, Bethlehem, Chicago.

we got Toronto. It's a biggie. Chicago theater, biggie Phoenix, uh, stand up alive. Can't wait. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indy theater at MSG, New York, November 4th. That's the biggie. We got Australia coming. We got Florida, Tampa, Naples, uh,

We're going to add a Vegas, I think. And look out for a special taping probably in Boston early next year. And yeah, shit. We got Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Look out for the Beer Juice book coming out. We're going to get on that forward. You got that right, baby. Foreskin. Can't wait. And great app, man. A lot of great recs. Yes.

I hope people like the recommendations. I think it's huge. I think this is the way for you. I loved it. If you're going to plan a trip to these places, that's the thing. We go out and we enjoy. Yeah, we live. I'm going to Delray, motherfuckers. I can't wait. Delray's great. All right. Thanks for listening, guys. Watch Jared's special. Killed it. 37 and single on Netflix.