Ep 141: Joe List - We Might Be Gay (Tuesdays with Drunks)
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Hey, you got a liquid death in there, Sally? In that little cooler? No, I don't get one in the kitchen. He's going. He's going. Sit down. Dang, whatever you got. We're rolling, by the way. Oh, jeez. You want to start up? Rolling. Rolling, rolling. Shall we? Let's show. Can I eat a cookie on here? You can eat a cookie. Yeah. Eat a cookie. This is saving my life. Watch the chewing on the mic. See? He sucks you back in. I know. You start to hate him. Just kidding. Tom Waits.

Are we rolling? Here we go. All right, let's do it. Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. Woo!

We got a hot guest. Gonna be back. Joe List, everybody. Hey, I've never heard you say my name. Yeah, it wasn't fun. It's weird. Whoa. Oh, my God. That was terrible. Holy hell, sorry. You gotta catch the can. I caught it on the fingers there. Do three taps. Here, throw another one. Mix up any carbonated can. Three taps. It won't explode. Is that true? It's true. Grab it. What do you got? One. Two. Three.

Three. This is water, so it won't explode, will it? That one's not... Oh, this is not carbonated? No, you're good. Oh, this is iced tea. Let's test it. Throw it again. Let's see. Are you on camera? All right. Three taps. Three solid taps. Rhythmic taps. Probably too slow. Like this. All right. Open it up. I should get more. Woo!

A little jizz there. A little laugh and learn. So I missed out on the JFK Hotel yesterday, I hear. Oh, yeah, you didn't miss much. Well, you sit in a pool, you drink.

Mace said, is Sam in? And I said, he's out. Furiously out. You know what? I want to be there. I want to be a part of the hang. But your wife picks the JFK Hotel. It's crazy. We go to the airport hotel, the place we go every week. And the worst airport, by the way. The furthest one. We sat in traffic. It was a beautiful gesture. We had a good time. But the getting there is a nightmare. Were you cab or train it? I Ubered. I drove. I drove.

But then I took the LIRR back, which is a nice little hack. It's the limousine service of public transportation in New York. Yeah, definitely. But, you know, we had some beer. You know, Doug Key's out there. Ruby showed up. We had a good group. He ate chicken fingers. We got to go on an old plane. Who else bailed?

Salakius bailed. Jason Katz bailed. Ari bailed. Wait, should we not put this in? This is bad. Yes, cut this out. All right. Ari's dead. Sorry, it's a hack. It's Ari died. So you're literally, you're watching, you're near planes. It's actually a JFK. We're at the airport. And by the way, the pool, first of all. Do you have to go through security? No. No.

I mean, at this point, it seems like maybe you do. May searched me, but that was it. Well, first of all, the pool, it was a great hang and a great day. And I love Mark and May, let's say. That's what I say, too. The pool, when I go swimming, I want a pool like a party pool. I want to run and jump.

Backflip, pie dive, or whatever you call it. Pencil dive. You want to picture Stavi Baby jumping in and when he yells cannonball. Yeah, cartwheels. Now the water's out of the pool. But this is like a three-foot, you sit and talk in the pool, which is fun, but...

But to me, it's like we could sit and talk outside the pool or inside the pool. It's a great idea. You see the brochure. You go, wow, everybody's having fun. It's like a Heineken commercial. And then you get up there or you start driving there and you're like, ah, I'm going to the airport. Ah, this is tough. And I feel guilty because all you guys, I'm like, their day is gone.

I had anxiety the whole time. Really? It was also a $100 entry for Sarah and I, $100, and then parking was $68. Oh, my God. I got chicken tenders. Those were $35. Wow. It was a big day. It was a $300 day. It's a lady day. Well, I'm celebrating my next special at the San Jose airport, and I hope you all can make it.

No, it sounds like a pain in the ass. Why don't we just do like a steak dinner or something? Well, I think she wants to do a big thing. That could be a big thing. I agree. I love a steak. No, it was awesome. But like all things, and this is where I think you got some problems, Sam. Oh, there we go.

All things, once you're there, immediately, as soon as you step out of the car into the carpeted hotel and it's beautiful, you go, all that ride is gone. Right. It's fantastic. The hump. You're in the pool. You get to see Doug Key shirtless. Salicus didn't show. That was a bonus. That is a bonus. And what the hell is that thing? That is a pomegranate lemonade. You don't know who you're talking to here. Gateway. Yeah. Gateway. Gateway.

Pomegranate lemonade. It's virgin? Yeah. Great. Both. But pregnant. But it ended up being unbelievably fun. Can we still toast non-alcoholic? That's delightful. Of course. Bad luck. I think we're good with this, though.

What do you think of this, by the way? It's very good. Tell me when the pet peeve thing happens. That's all I got. We can go whenever. It's a loosey-goose. Peeve us. I was just at a hang. I don't want to name names. At a hang. Seven, eight people. And is this just Boston Irish alcoholic asshole behavior, or are you with me here? Hit me. You always support me. You're a wild card. There's like seven of us.

At the table, two people order drinks, like the same cocktail, one of these bullshits, but with vodka. Okay. And they go like this. Cheers to us. And then they toast. Do you find it obnoxious for two out of seven people to toast? Because to me, that's like a fucking insult. Insane. You toast everybody. We got the same drink. Right.

Right. What am I, an asshole? Cheers to us. Yeah. That's a douche city right there. You can't do that. That's like throwing your own party. Yeah. TWA. Okay. And before we even go into that, yeah, I apologize for not being there. Joe is right. I did get an oven delivered yesterday. I need to be there for the oven. Jews with the ovens. No, it's not. That's not why I got it. God damn it, Mark. Sorry. It's not Holocaust related. I need to cook. But no, I think Joe is right.

I think it's you toast everyone and for the record except for Salacuse everyone else there you go everyone who's important here cookie well Salacuse is too busy shaking with that camera hold oh Michael J can't help it but yeah

I get that. It's a little, you're clicking now. It's a click on a click. Well, you just feel like, what the fuck? Yeah. We're not toast worthy? Right. Toast everybody. And you're already causing an infighting in the group. You guys are over here now. Yeah, you guys are, well, I don't want to share my story. You guys talk. Right. We'll be over here. A toast to no one or everyone. Yes. That's the rule. Thank you. Good t-shirt. That's the whole thing. You get up there. It's like the Pearl Jam album. Do you guys have any go-to cheers things, words you say before a party?

Well, it's funny you have Tom Waits here. Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. It's a classic. Ooh, he was good. Yeah. He had a couple. I did one time. I was in a Baltimore Post show, and it was McGuby's at the bar. Right when they built that whiskey bar. And I, as a joke, go, to Hitler's good ideas. And it gets a laugh from the people around me. And then there was a skinhead at the end of the bar who goes, he does have good ideas.

No. What? And I was like, ah, crap, that really backfired on me. Oh, my God. Timonium skinheads. What were the good ideas? I don't know. Out of curiosity. Well, the Autobahn. That's not bad. Oh, that was him? Oh, right, that is. Okay. The Volkswagen.

Volkswagen, which is the people's car Volkswagen. Ah! And... Aryan Purity. There we go. There you go. The outfits were very good. Hugo Boss. Yeah. Well, they manufactured them. And they didn't have any... They got no blowback for it. It was like a small... He got... I think the Hugo Boss manufacturer got... It was... The kids inherited it years later. And then he just... His fee was not for manufacturing Nazi uniforms, but for slavery. He was enslaving employees. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I just found out that Schwarzenegger's dad was a Nazi. I never knew that. Yeah, they kind of- I missed out on that. They gloss over it. And Gibson's dad's a Holocaust denier. Kirk Gibson? Oh. Dodger's great, Kirk Gibson. Who Gibson? What Gibson? Guitar. Oh, Mel, yeah. Oh, Mel Gibson. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were fucking with me. No, I literally went straight to Kirk Gibson. And then I thought Debbie Gibson. Mel is the third Gibson that comes into my head. I think so.

I think we're alone now. We're getting put in the oven because we are Jews now. There you go. Not bad. That's a number one. Wow. I'm not surprised. I mean, it rubbed off. He had those rants. Yeah. Bell. Not Kirk. But Schwarzenegger. Mel has such a Jewish name too, right? Mel? Mel Brooks. Mel Blank. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know about Mel Blanc. He was a Jew. Yeah, Mel Blanc was Bugs Bunny. Okay. Boy, Jews had some killer comedy back in the day. They're over now. But, you know, it's like, but like Sid Caesar, all that was all Carl Reiner. It's all Jews, you know? Neil Simon. Crazy. Woody Allen. It was just bam, bam, bam. Mark Twain.

I just don't know what Jews are. Chris Rock. Dave Chappelle. Colin Quinn. Yeah, the Jews. How do you not like Jews? Of all the groups. I know. My hero, Larry David. Get out of here. Yeah.

Sandman? By the way, Sandler was at the strip the other night. I heard. Yeah, his daughter did a thing. Really? Yeah, so he brought her up and he played guitar behind her. Damn, dude. Yeah, the comic strip, that was my home club for so long. You guys never really did the strip. I did for a minute when it was the Junior. What's his name? Richie Junior. Yeah, I had my own show there.

Yeah. For a little bit. Holy shit. Yeah, I had a time where I was at the strip. I used to take the bus from stand-up New York to the comic strip, and I always felt like I was hustling when you take the bus across the park. Yes. I am a comic now. That's a nice bus, too. You just go through Central Park. It's kind of a nice... Totally. Absolutely. Yeah, you cut through, you go under that little bridge. It's great. And it's upper Manhattan, which was crust, upper crust. That club was great. Great club. Yeah, well, it used to be the... When I...

78 years old and I started 14 years before you it shows in our level of success but the strip when I first started coming down here we're plugging your fucking special yeah the special's great check it out on YouTube let's get a couple thousand views there you go I'll wrap it up take my own life

But I used to come down in like 2000, 2001, 2002 with this guy, Ed Riegel. And the strip was the spot. They had the booths and that's where you went. Nobody hung at the cellar. There was like those eight or nine guys would be there, but like all the other comics. And then at one point,

They ripped out the booth. They literally were like, we don't want comics hanging out here. And they got rid of free drinks. They took out the booths. Free drinks. And that's what Gnome is so great at understanding is you have to, the comics are the most important. You have to make the comics want to be there. Remember those Christmas parties? I mean, I was poor. I was some Brooklyn queef, you know, doing the Creek in the Cave. And then I'd come meet you. Come to the Christmas party.

it was spreads of food, buffet style, potluck, fried chicken, lasagna. And then you remember you saw Angry Bob. You're like, whoa, Angry Bob. There's Eric I. Boy, I'm really rubbing elbows here. And then the free drinks. My God. I mean, I remember. And then at the end, they would always do like the most bitter comic would always give a speech. Really? He'd be like, man, this is a historic club. I don't get spots here anymore. And he'd be like,

All right. Uh, and then I remember, you know, Richie Tinkin who ran the club had, uh, you know, a vocal problem from cancer. And, uh,

I remember Vic Henley did a sketch where he was just like, he would talk like that. And I was like, this is uncomfortable. I was right next to him. I was like, do you laugh? Probably not. Oh, yeah. But it's kind of funny. Richard Diggins, famously Eddie Murphy's first manager and producer of Delirious. That's right. Yeah. They have all the pictures. And that's what they would tell you when you were a young comic. Yes. See this picture? It's me and Eddie Murphy. They left out that he left them 35 years ago. Right, right. But at the time, you were like, fuck, Eddie Murphy.

But I mean, I hope it never closes because, you know, a lot of Dangerfield's closed and places closed. But this place, it's a museum. I mean, it's like Seinfeld's first open mic ticket is on there and young Sandler and Eddie Murphy. The headshots are beautiful. Beautiful. I also remember Mackie and I were there one night and there was a guy on the wall

Got his name, heavyset guy with a beard. And we're just like laughing. We're like, look at that headshot. And we're like, who's this guy? And the broker, J.R., comes over and he goes, that is not a comedian. That was the guy who would deliver the cash. And some guy followed him one night and executed him. Wow. And we're like, well, it's still a funny headshot. You got to give us that. Yeah, it's a good headshot. You know what famous comedian was the bartender there?

That's right. Oh, yeah? Old CQ and Bartender. Back in like early 80s. Wow. You know, it's funny. I have one of Rock's old albums, his CD, and it says Funny White Guys, and it's Jerry Seinfeld and Colin Quinn. Yeah. Funny White Guys. It was a different time.

I love that. But yeah, wow, CQ. Going back to the Jews real quick, I was just on vacation with Sarah's family, and Sarah's mom, we were all hanging, she goes, you know, Jewish people, they're just easier to get along with. And we all did spit takes. Everybody at once was like, what? She's like, they're laid back. They're just really easy to get along with. And I just pictured you with the text being like, we're all going to the airport for Mark's hang. And I'm like, yeah, he's easy like Sunday morning, this guy. Yeah.

Great hang. You got to open up a little bit. I went on a vacation this year. He went to Greece. Yeah, that was big. Octopi. Yeah. Right? I do stuff. We hung in Montreal. We had good hangs. We had a great hang. Oh, man. Sam had me on his show. It's a big theater show. Oh, yeah. That's not a hang. That's a show. But keep going. Well, we potted all day. We spent the day together. We went to dinner. Podcast. Got it. We had dinner. Yeah.

Dinner's something. Now we're getting somewhere. Oh, yeah, we got dinner. Joe Beef. We got Joe Beef. Hey, Joe Beef. It's like a big Montreal classic. Mark's looking at my steak. He goes, damn, that looks good. I'm like, hey, you ordered a halibut at a steak place? I couldn't. I panicked with the menu. I couldn't decide. It looked good, but it was no steak. Well, I ate some of Joanne's. But either way. You brought a gun to a knife fight. Either way, we go do a Sam show. It's sold out. Great theater. He goes, you want to do 10?

Fun fact. Fun times. When he comes out, people are going nuts because they didn't expect to see Mark. So there's a line there and people are seeing Mark and they're like, holy shit, Mark. Super cool. Ian Lara opened and then we do a little bumping mics thing at the end. And it was fun. Ian Lara, we're all having a good time.

You know, it kind of starts to, all right, we got to wrap this thing up. Brad Williams pops out. It was a gift. And when you can't think of something to say and a midget comes out with a microphone, it is rejuvenated. I mean, it's like a gift from the comedy gods.

Two and a half men. Yeah. I did the same joke on Tuesdays, but whatever. They can hear it twice. It's a gift when you're running out of steam and a little person comes out, not just for us, but the audience. Like, no one's not happy to see a little person. No. They walk in. Everyone's like, yes. Exactly. Maybe Willy Wonka. He had some beef with a few of them. But yeah.

By the way, they got rid of the dwarves in Snow White in the new movie. So it's just Snow White? Well, there's one CGI dwarf of Hugh Grant. Really? They took a job away from seven dwarves and they gave it to a CGI? So the dwarves are picketing. They gave it to a handsome leading man? Yes, who's of average height. Can anybody see the signs? No, no. It's just the top of them out the window. Wow. I know, it's tough. Poor kids. Oh, boy.

It's a shame, but these midgets, they get no love. Oh, is it Willy Wonka, not Snow White? Sorry, thank you. So what's Snow White doing? Well, it's Timothee Chalamet. He's got to be pretty short to begin with, so you've got to find a really tiny little person. Yeah. Get some children in there. Maybe Veeder? Gary would work. Hey, Mark, what's that joke about midgets being the N-word?

Oh, Mulaney's got that great joke. He's like, you can't say midget. It's like saying the N-word. He goes, we're saying midget. It's a little different. And he's like, if you say midget, you're going to have 400 little people running around this building screaming. He goes, you promise? It's a great bit. That's great. Yeah, yeah. But just tough to be a little guy these days. Peter Dinklage, he got the last role.

Yeah, well, Ian Lara on stage after we were arguing over that word, Ian Lara on stage, he described himself as a midget N-word. Yes. Huge pop in the theater. When I said it, it got nothing. Ian Lara's a sexy guy. He's cute. He's just, like, cute. Adorable. I think sexy, but you can downgrade it to cute. Well, I think he could be both.

I guess. Yeah. He's both. Let's see him. Like kids. He's cute and sexy. Yeah. He's always well kept. He's got a necklace on for some reason. I didn't think that was... I thought that was Idris Elba, which you're right. He is sexy. Yeah. He's a beautiful man. He's got style.

He likes us. That's something. He does like us. That's me and him. Todd Barry. Oh, wow. There's a hang. Look at that. I disagree. Yeah, yeah. He's a good... He opened. He killed up top. He was great. It was funny. It was like a bit up there. It was a black guy, a Jew, and a midget walking to a bar. Walking to a comedy theater. It was fun. I mean, I...

Was not loving the crowd until I brought you guys. I mean, they were laughing, but they were so drunk. Yeah. I was kind of like, let me mix this up. Yeah, you had a guy in the front row who was really chirping. Just annoying as fuck. Wouldn't stop. He did the thing where he... Didn't he give you a shot?

I took one. Yeah, there you go. Usually that'll stop them if you're like, I'll give you one. But then, yeah, after that point. I mean, I was in Montreal for three days. I was drunk the entire time. I don't know. You got the hell out of there. At one point, I turn around. I'm like, where's Sam? And James is like, he got on a flight. He's gone. I did one lap around that industry party, and I changed my flight from 2 p.m. to 10 a.m.

I was like, get me the fuck out of here. Literally bookers whose texts I don't answer cornering me. It's never the people. You never get the hang you want. I got Norman for most of the day, but then you get to that party and it's literally just people cornering you who you're like, fuck, get me out. I know. Well, that's the problem with parties. You want a, what's that word I'm looking for? A...

Click. A planned hang. At an airport far away. Yeah, yeah. You want to be at an airport hotel on a Tuesday. Right. Which was fantastic. It was fun. Yeah. You want to curate it. A curated hang. You want to curate the hang. Yes. Well, one of the proudest moments of my life was we were at Moon Tower, all hanging out late. It was like me, Big Jay. Come on. All right. There's another one. Take. Oh, there is?

You ate both. Did I eat both? Yeah, you pig. Are you serious? God almighty. You had a hell of a metabolism. I feel like you eat like shit. No, you hit a cookie. I didn't hit a... What am I, hiding cookies over here? I didn't eat two chocolate chip cookies. You gotta be kidding. Hit a cookie. I'm not that good. Play it back. What am I, a pickpocket? All right, let me take this. Sounds like a fight like on Lizzo's tour. I'm starving. I'm starving.

Where's my damn cookies? I hid it in my vagina. There you go. Hey, all right. I got a morsel. We got a morsel. I feel like you eat like shit, and you're very thin. I do. I run a lot. I do a lot of push-ups. I'm not missing discs from my back at 28. I mean, I do yoga. I'm doing stuff. Compact disc. But I eat some shit and some good. There you go. Yeah. Wait, what were we talking about? I had something. You had something? Curated hang. Hang, par.

Oh, Moon Tower. Moon Tower. We're on Moon Tower. It was me and Ari and Sarah and Chrissy D. You were there. You didn't come. But we all, everyone, there was a big party. And we were like, the industry party, we're like, we're already hanging. Why don't we go down to the river? Oh.

Supposedly you came and looked for us at like 1 a.m. I did. I couldn't find you. But we were like, let's just go down to the river and hang out. People love when you have cookie in your mouth and tell a story. Sure. This is the most Jewish I've ever been, telling a story with food in my mouth. Portions are very small. So we all went down there. We skipped out on the party. Ironically, you had to go say goodbye to Brad Williams. You're like, well, Brad Williams is over there. I told him I'd meet him. Small world. And then you're like, oh.

You're like, I'll meet you by the river. And we were all like, he ain't coming back. But we walked around. It was like a Linklater film. We skipped out of the party and just hung with each other. And that's where my career is at. But I hate the industry. The problem with these industry parties is I went and I ended up having to get hammered just to deal with it. Because you walk two feet and somebody goes, hey, Norman, I used to manage you in 1985. We did a comedy joint out there in Wuhan. And you're like, wait, what? Okay. Then you're like, good to see you. And you get away. And then they go, hey.

Hey, Norman, what are you doing? We did this. How's your special going? How's that? And you're like, I can't do it again. I just did the same cookie-cutter conversation 12 feet away. And it's always the people who are like, I managed you. I ripped you off on a bunch of deals. I tried to molest your girlfriend. And you're like, cool. And you're like, well, it's great to see you. Great to catch up. Barry Katz was floating around that thing like the Grim Reaper. There's no feet moving. He's just floating through the party. And you see that nose and the face. And you're like, ah, Katz is coming.

He's like a scarecrow, but for comedians. Yeah. Well, I'm a comedian. It's because you don't have a relationship with all these people. They're just like, we got to get you back. And you're like, oh, I'd love to come back. And they're like, okay. You're like, all right. Yeah, and the worst part of talking to someone is the small talk, and it's just small talk. And then you get away. Small talk. You can never have a real thing. That's why you got to cure it. Yeah. Yeah.

Curate is big. But yeah, and you see your friends over there. And I always feel like everyone else got into a good circle somehow. I look over, I see like Chris D, Giannis, and Ian Lara all high-fiving. And they're going like this. Yes. And the other one's like doing that. And I was stuck with, you know,

bleepity-blop. Right. Going, I know, I'd love to come back. I know, wow, the tickets. Yeah, it's hard, but you know, I'm on Instagram now. Yeah, you want to print out a card that says like, special's going great, I'm good, yeah, I got married, still in New York, I leave tomorrow. Because they always go, how long are you here till? You know, it's all the same questions. You just want to hand them the card and walk away. Yeah. I feel bad. They're all going to see this. Well...

No, some of them were good. And we won't say who. Yeah. We'll keep it ambiguous. Because I can't remember. It looks good on you. Good teacher really seems to care. Hey, nice. So Norman and I did, we had dinner with Ann, Harris, and Joanne. They're great. It was fun. They were great. They get it. And Ben, also from Netflix. We had a fun dinner. It was a good time. But-

Yeah, I mean, shit. That was... But again, curated. Curated. That was picked out of spot. It's just us. Wait, Frosted Plagues. I said they're great. Oh, I see. Got it. Got it. I should have done there. Yeah, great. Oh, yeah. So it's the great that's accentuated. It's a couple R's in there. Right. Like my last school. A couple R's in there, but yeah.

Oh, jeez. But yeah, Montreal was great. And it's nice going back there with a little juice. Like you're selling out a theater. I was doing some bullshit show for Meta. That was tough. You had a thing. Because I bumped into New Faces and they're all, they're like Salacues with a camera. They're all shaking in their boots and they're nervous. They're out of focus. Yeah. So that sucks. Catching a lot of strays over here. Sorry. They're not strays. They're direct. These are direct shots right at you. Woo.

I'm worried about your mental health. Can I just digress for a second? Put the camera on him. Do we have a camera on him? Okay. Well, why are you worried? Well, the other day, first of all, we're shooting a sketch at our podcast studio, and I said, this is a crazy question. I don't know the address of our studio. Can you give me the address? Okay.

And then Sal, because you don't know how to go places. You don't know the address here. You just know how to get here. You know the building. So I reckon you give him the address, and he goes, okay, it's 789 Fifth Avenue, but it's not on Fifth Avenue. It's between 2nd and Boo Boo Boo, and then you've got to walk up. There's an elevator, 17th floor. You take a walk. I'm like, yeah, I know that. I work there. It's my office. Right, right. And then you show me photos. You're like, these are for your eyes only. Meanwhile, everyone I've talked to has seen these photos.

You're like, these are for your eyes only. Now I feel left out. What the hell are these? They're tasteful nudes of Mark and I blowing each other. How would that be tasteful? Nudes of his child that he shows people. Yes, there you go. He's like, yeah, your eyes only. Don't show anybody. And then like 10 hours later, I get a text. Your eyes only. Don't show anybody. I'm like, have you gone mental? You showed these to me yesterday. What kind of photos are these? We did a photo shoot together. It's coming out next month. And I didn't want to scoop the magazine by getting it out there.

I'd show you. But they're beautiful. But it was just like the same photo and sentence two days in a row. I'm like, we had this talk. Are you okay? Well, actually, no. Oh, Jesus. Is this going to get serious? No, no, it's not serious. Oh, God. I would have felt horrible if you just came out with Alzheimer's. You had jury duty? I had jury duty today. I thought you were going to say you're dying. What the fuck? Jury duty is pretty bad. So I was trying to figure out how to get out of it. I'm a bit unhinged, so I wore this shirt.

New Jack City? My New Jack City shirt? Am I racist? What are you doing? No, no. I was like, no, this is like shows that I'm. This guy likes Wesley Snipes. Get him out of here. I'm pro-crime that I'm like rooting for the bad guy. I thought I'd send a subtle message. Nobody got it. You're giving them too much credit to these people. You know what the fucking clientele? Well, the government people, you know, they're not going to sit there and read your shirt. You know, some guy's got no fat chicks. He's walking in. He's going to do a whole murder case.

You're fine. All right. New Jack City. I worry about you. Why are you so stressed? Well, jury duty stressed me out because I have the pot. I've got two shoots this week, and I didn't want to sit in a jury and miss this and that. Well, we're glad to have you, and he gave you cookies. Yeah, I'm thrilled about the cookies. I'm not worried about you being an asshole. I'm worried about your brain being mush. You got my head because I've been taking these weed gummies, and they help me sleep. I sleep like a baby. I finally found a cure for sleep, but then Salacuse is like, you've got to stop taking those. It'll kill your recall.

What? I was like, oh, my recall is a little. Wait, so you gave him drugs and then told him not to take the drugs? I take them from fans. You got to stop doing that. I stopped. But he told me about the recall thing, and you want to be a comedian, you want to work on your act. All you have is your brain. That's all I got. So I dropped him, but I'm not sleeping well again. You should give him your girlfriend or your wife. Yeah. That was my attempt at a joke there.

She'll stop bringing shit up. All right, never mind. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. She'll forget everything. Your forgetfulness is more running around, which that was also fun with The Hang, by the way, because I'm like texting everyone, like, you going to The Hang? They're like, no, Mark's podcasting on Tuesday. And I had to be like, well, I don't know about that. And I had it with three different people.

Everyone's like, we're going to the TWA. Let's do a different hang. Let's do like a steakhouse or, you know, something. We don't even have to hang. Don't do it for me. Let's just hang to hang. That's what I mean. I want to set up a hang. He may not show. I can't have it on me. Was any part of you annoyed that you had to go all the way out for the hang? Of course. Every part? Every part, yeah. If I wasn't married. Did you scold her for it? I gave her a little shit in the cab on the way there, and I could see it was...

hurting her and I pulled back. She's like, we're throwing a party for you. You take out your credit card, $120 cab. Thanks. I slid him valet money. I felt so guilty. I was like, take this cash. Yeah, let me know when you hit that cover charge money. Oh, I got you. She was supposed to Venmo you. Jesus. Thanks for spending mostly your money.

No, it's her money. It's her money. Well, this is getting weird. I know. Come on. She did a nice thing. Now we're just attacking a woman here. Yes, yes. Attacking a woman. And it was fantastic. You two fucking dorks didn't show. Ha ha.

He was busy coming up with t-shirt ideas for jury duty. We're all busy, you know? The hang was killer. Great fun. Although I did think we were going to the Hamptons for a couple days, but whatever. Really? He laid out his shirts, boys in the hood, New Jack City. One of these is going to work. I swear to God. White chicks. Whatever you got. Who's the hang? I want to see you hanging out more. Let's hang. I'm sorry. I never see you. But here's the problem. If he was there, he wouldn't enjoy it.

The hang, it's hard for me to travel. You could have bounced bits if you wanted. Yeah, you could write that off. We used to go to like John's Pizza. We used to do stuff. We did a hang recently. We set it up. I set it up. We ended up going to, what's it called? East Village. That was like a couple months ago. Was I there? Yeah, it was the three of us. Where'd we go? I was there too.

I mean, I'm worried about everybody's mental health. Well, tell me where we went. Where did we go? We tried to go to fucking whatever place, and it was closed. Remember, it was raining. We went to Smith's. Smith's.

Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, we did that. Yeah, we went there. We did that. Yeah, we got to do that more. We wanted to do steak, and you were like, I can't eat a steak at noon or whatever bullshit. I'm a nighttime steak eater. Yeah, all right. Well. I like a cold lunch. I was like, hey. I was like, boys, we're doing pretty well now. We're pretty successful. Let's go get some steaks. And you were like, eh, I want to go to a deli. I'm like, all right. I like a good Jewish deli lunch. I like a Jewish deli.

Let's do more hangs. I'm open to the more hangs. There we go. More hangs. I'm having a kid soon, so that'll really spice up our hangs. Yes, bring the fetus. I'll be a lot more available to hang out once I have this baby. That's how it usually works. All right, perfect. Well, he makes it work. You haven't seen your child in weeks. Yeah. Yeah. His kid's like 17 or 18, right? Yeah. Eight. Yeah. He's eight. Whatever. Good age. Is he available?

He's got a girlfriend, right? No, no. Oh, a boyfriend. Oh, okay. All right, we'll move on. Do you like being a father? Oh, it's amazing. Really? Yeah, I had a crazy experience with him on Sunday. I was walking back from the library, and this guy was shirtless and talking to the cops. Bert Kreischer? And the cops sort of left him alone, and he looks at me. He's like, you know what? God bless you and your son. I was like, oh, thanks.

And I was like, what was it with the cops? He was like, they were checking on me. I was like, okay, you all right? And he was like, you know, I was pretty bad yesterday. I was going to kill myself. That's what we go with in rough shape. I was going to kill myself. And I was like, well, I'm glad you settled it. And he was like, yeah, you and your son, God bless you guys. I don't have any relationship with my father. I was like, well, it's never too late.

And he was like, no, no, no. My father tried to slit my mother's throat. Ooh, spicy. Yeah. And I was like, all right, we can turn around with him, but you can get your life better in a good place. And he's like, all right, man, God bless you. And I walked away and Charlie looks at me. He's like, I don't like it when you talk to people.

Wow. That would be me. Like, what are you, crazy? Yeah, smart kid. You're a native New Yorker. You engage in that long a conversation with a shirtless guy getting arrested? Well, he had his Fisher King t-shirt on, so the guy was very friendly to him. What the hell? That's one where you say, thank you, and you keep going.

Right. Yeah. Well, Matt loves to talk to crazy. We went out shooting photography one time and I'm like, he's like, I want to shoot photos of buildings and plants and bushes and whatever. And he's like, no, we're going to shoot people. And I'm like, I can't shoot. That's crazy. They're going to kill us. And he goes, no, it's no problem. I've never had an issue at all. And I'm like, okay, if you say so. And then he goes, and hold on to this. And he hands me a can of mace. Yeah.

He's like, you need to have this. I'm like, what happened to nobody gives a shit? By the way, I'm getting a costume without a camera. Right. And he's got a knife on him already, so he's good. You're not using that knife. I have it. I mean, it's here. But are you really going to stab someone?

When the court case comes around. He has to. No, I think it's just a good way to get people to move backwards. There you go. Yeah, but what if they don't move backwards? Then I'm in a knife fight. Yeah. But you're also introducing a weapon into the fight. But he's the victim.

You gotta be the victim when the guy takes the knife from you. Well, it's pretty hard to get close to me with a knife. You're not going to get close, right? Especially if you're wearing your Crocodile Dundee shirt. You gotta wear a Screen 2 shirt. You know, hold that knife up. Yeah, there you go. Psycho. Yeah.

All right. You know what I saw in the theater two days ago at Film Forum? One of the best movies ever. Double Indemnity. Have you seen that? Of course. Fucking so cool to see on the big screen. Film Forum. That's a wreck. Go to the Film Forum. Keep that place going. Film Forum's awesome. Yeah. Billy Wilder Fest at the Film Forum. So they're showing all his shit. I love the Film Forum. We went and saw...

I saw Goodfellas there, and then I saw, what the hell is it called? Blue Collar. You know that movie? I've never seen it. It's Paul Schrader, right? Paul Schrader. It's Richard Pryor and Harvey Keitel. They hated each other. And Yafit Kohler. You saw it there? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, no kidding. How about that? Did we talk about this? No. Oh, wow. Wow, you guys got linked up? Yeah. How about that? Let's start with Isabel Hagen. That's a good group. Good for her. He was too busy cutting somebody up.

All right. Well, that's it, guys. We're going to run. Any more cookies? All right. Do you guys want to do more peeves or a new story? Oh, yeah. You got a peeve? I don't think you did yours. Oh, jeez. I ate two cookies.

Give me a second to come up with a peeve. I got something for sure. I had one yesterday. Joey, working on any bits? I had another peeve that I forgot about. Is this anything as a peeve? I had this TWA. There's a limited amount of deck chairs or what do you call those? Tanning chairs. You know those things? And they're going fast.

So I threw a towel on one just to preserve it. So I got one. I got a towel on one. The lady's got a towel on hers. And I jump in the pool. You get out. The wind is kicking up. So I grab my towel. I put it over me to dry off a little bit. I hit the bar. And I come back. There's a guy on my seat. And I go, hey, whoa, that's my seat. And he goes, there was nothing on it. And I go, I've been laying there. And he's like, there's nothing on it. So now we're in a Mexican standoff. Now what do you do here?

Is he right? Did you have nothing on it? I had all my shit right next to it, but nothing on it. I think you've got to put stuff on it. But how close next to it are we talking? Directly. Direct next. If this is the seat, all my shit was right there. I think that's your seat. Okay. But I was there, and that bartender was awfully slow. How long are you at the bar for? Seven minutes.

Seven minutes? And the lady's next to the... She's in her seat. So now he's next to the lady. She didn't say anything to... She was drunk. Passed out. She's a black girl. She said, hey, it's 50 bucks a person for this party. Yeah.

They're dating now. I've heard that guy. But yeah, I got the seat. I pushed and I got the seat, but it wasn't pretty. Yeah, it's tricky. I just want to digress for a moment. It reminds me of... I want to come back around. I don't want to just be like, enough of that. But...

It's similar to the people at Starbucks. Do you think you have to go or coffee shop? Do you have to go get your coffee before you claim a seat? Or can you claim a seat and then go get the coffee? Because people are divided on that. I think it's very similar. Age old question. Because you have the seat. You left it, but seven minutes. That part of it is slow. If you're there alone, you got to get the coffee. But if you're there with another person, they... Oh, that's pretty good. Right. But some people are even against that. Seat saving is a real...

Prickly subject. It's tricky. New York's a nightmare. But how many seats were available outside of that seat? Two. Okay. And he was with a wife. I wonder if he was trying to put the moves on your lady. Yeah, well, she gives out that vibe that she's available. So it's tough. But yeah, I got the seat. But it was a fight. Yeah, I can see both sides. I want to be on your side because you always get my back there. I appreciate it. So whichever side you're...

presenting I'll be alright but I'd like an honest answer whatever you really think but yeah gone seven minutes nothing on the seat that's a tough but the girlfriend's right there and there's but maybe you thought it was her stuff true true yeah and they're married true you missed it she could have piped up I guess she's really screwing up this day huh my god I know I almost oh this is a good here we go is this free Matt

We're getting the hang of it. So sexy. She's got a point.

Who? Elaine. Okay, so you're with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're taken. But Elaine spoke up. Unlike my fucking... But also... Benedict Arnold. Who are these people that walk up to a seat and someone says, hey, that's my seat, and they go, no, it's not. I would be like, oh, geez, all right. That's what I would think, too. I would do the same thing. Wait, but he's already seated in it. Yeah. When you get back. He was had like... This is actually a tricky piece. It's a tricky one.

He had a butt cheek on it. He was like getting ready to get comfortable. Oh, so you caught him in motion? Yes. I went, bop, bop, bop, bop, but his fucking taint hit it, and then he got up. Big guy? Older. I couldn't take him. Bigger than me, but older. Did he have a knife? What was his T-shirt? He had mace. But yeah, he got up.

I think I scared him a little. I think if you catch him in the motion, that's fair. All right, we got motion. Once he gets settled and he's in there, but if you catch him in the motion... Well, this goes back to the reclining on a plane fight. This is Divided Nations. Yeah, where do you stand on that? I say the seat reclines, I'm reclining. I use the options the seat gives me. If the airline says it reclines, then I'm reclining.

I always check. I just hate myself. So if the person behind me is like sound asleep or little or small, I'll lean back. But it sucks to watch the TV with the seat all the way lean back. I hate when people lean back. So I don't mind being upright. You know, I don't want to.

break up the party but we tend to be in first class these days so there's a little more room so i don't mind moving back as much but in like the coach horse i would never move back never no that two inches really goes a long way it's tough uh and sometimes you get that guy who's aggressively hitting and you just put your hot coffee down yeah that's tough you get the guy who's like yeah jesus christ i know now the coffee's spilling and i'm bob

Wow.

yeah it was i'm going there no in november i'm only back yeah but i was in coach you can lean back at first class you went coach well we're bouncing around australia so it's like from perth to sydney it was like a two-hour flight or whatever okay you didn't go you definitely go coach the long way i went coach on the way back what yeah it wasn't pretty why'd you do that that's all it was available huh i booked it too late

Oh, Jesus. I sucked it up. But the way there, I had to lie down. So I had it pretty, sitting pretty on the way up and death on the way back. It's a long fucking flight. It's very long. It's like 11 hours of your life and you save probably three grand. That's, I mean, that's three grand you could spend on steak dinners or TWA parties or whatever. Pretty good. You know how you're always buying steak dinners? Well, I tried, but we went to a deli. But...

Let me say this. We went on a, me and a bunch of comics were on a gig. All the flights got canceled and they said, we got you new flights. Uh,

But there's no first class. And a couple people said, I'll wait. And they waited a full day. I talked to one of those people on the phone. I don't want to give it away. But giving up a whole day in some weird town, I think it's better to just do the five hours of uncomfort. Well, if you're very, very funny and fat and jolly and have long hair, it's probably nice to wait a whole day. And single.

Yeah, and Greek. But yeah. Yeah. It was Giannis.

yeah it was interesting a whole day it's no it's a real sophie's choice do i want a day in what was it seattle yeah like outskirts of seattle you know outskirts is rough in a weird little downtown seattle is cool you got that farmer's market i have the complete reverse opinion really downtown seattle is a complete nightmare it's the scariest place on earth the farmer's market is killing they're throwing the fish i love that oh yeah yeah the pike place yeah yeah that's great

But there's a lot of riffraffy insanity down there. Oh, yeah. You go to like West Seattle, Gig Harbor. Spectacular. I'm a city hick, man. I like the downtown. But yeah. I invented that term. Who did? I did. You invented it? Yes, on that trip. Really? Is that right? I thought you knew this. What are you kidding? I thought that was a term. How am I not getting credited? Is that not a term? Look up. I never heard it. Google city hick. I came up with it on that trip. When we were in Vancouver? Yeah.

No, not Vancouver. When we went to fucking wherever you told me you couldn't drive. Literally, you said I'm only good at turns. No, I said I'm not good at turns. It's in the Urban Dictionary already. It came from me. It stemmed. Give me a year. Give me a name.

2006. Oh, all right. What was that gig? Oh, wait. You're right there. Right after. No, it was a while later. City Hicks can often be found home drinking alone or listening to George Thurgood. Wow, they nailed you, buddy. What? They got you, buddy. I guess I'm a City Hick. George Thurgood. What's his hit? Who do you love?

I'm willing to admit somebody was saying this before, but I didn't read this goddamn thing. Hold on. I got you. What is that, a jellyfish? No, these are fake boobies, dude. Oh, nice. Throw them on. Let them play with it. I've played with one before. There you go. I don't care for this. Are we allowed to use any of this? Oh, that would be...

Oh, come on. We got to be able to get that in. We got a good voice. We're just like, man, this is really good. Yeah. Well, since we can't use it, we can't use this either. There you go. I prefer to be by myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thorough good rules. Can you pull up this Lizzo story? Because this is like, she's in deep shit, right? I heard she was fat shaming, which is fun. Got it.

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Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code DRUNK for $20 off. That means it's only like $980, a bleacher seat for Taylor Swift. Download Game Time today. Last minute ticket. Lowest price. Guaranteed. Here, here. Here, yeah, it's true. Yeah, we'll pull up the article. Oh, shit. You know, she's vegan. Is she? Yeah, fun fact. That can't be true. Well, think about vegan. This is the thing about vegan. People think of vegans as thin. You can eat french fries all day long. Mmm.

Like chocolate. Well, not chocolate, but whatever. Candy. You can eat fucking... Sweet tarts. Yeah. Pop tarts and sweet tarts and french fries and... Yep. Hitler was a vegan. Hitler was a vegan? Come on. That can't be true. That's true. Not a smoker. Wow. Woody Allen, I think, vegan. He has all these tits. At least in the movies he is. All right. So Lizzo has been sued by three former dancers who claim they were subjected to a hostile work environment and harassment...

I know how it feels. While they were members of the Grammy winner's dance team. The complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court Tuesday and obtained by CNN through attorneys. I'll just sum it up. So she went to a sex club in Amsterdam where they like perform sex acts. Oh, okay. No, but she forced, she pressured her dancers into doing stuff like eating a banana out of a snatch.

Nice. Well, were any of them cramping up on stage after that? Because that sounds like, you know, could help. Yeah. You know, Ellen's loving this. She's like, thank God I never touched a banana. I threw a couple cups of coffee on an intern, but no banana in the clam.

Is she an actual shit for this or is this just gonna blow over? Well, it's a lawsuit, so she's gonna have to be deposed. Three different people. Another plaintiff claims that her commitment to her role as a dance team was questioned by the singer who expressed thinly veiled concerns about the plaintiff's weight gain. So she's fat shaming other dancers. Well, she probably only wants to be the only porker out there.

You can't have another. She's the bad lady. Well, you know what I mean? You don't want another Chabette on the dance team. You're not making it better. But also, let's keep it like before we jump to all this. We're reading a summation on CNN.com. This totally could have been her being like, oh, you got to you got a little whatever. Oh, but it seems like a lot of people all at once. It's not like one person got fired and then they're turning on them. This is.

this is multiple people coming forward. Sure. Well, I'm not saying she's not a nightmare. I don't know this woman from, from Adam, but you don't know. I mean, look, it's if you're a dancer and she's like pressuring you to go to a club, you don't want to go to, you know, and you're like, but I feel like she's going to kick me off the tour or something. I don't know. That could suck. Well, maybe they feel bad. They feel obligated. Like I don't want everyone mad at me. So I got to go to this pool by the airport. You know, you gotta, you just have to do it. I appreciate eating that banana. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I think if you're this big, it's like Ellen. You're huge. You have a ton of staff and you start to kind of make demands and eventually they retaliate. Yeah, like Sam. Yeah.

So yeah, that's tough, man. Yeah. And it's not when she goes, hey, you're getting fat there, dancer. The dancer can't go, look who's talking because, you know, she's the boss. Yeah. Position of power. But you were saying she has fat dancers, weren't you? No, I'm saying she wants to be the only fat lady on the stage. Oh, really? That's my theory. Oh, she does have fat black dancers. We heard what you said first. Yeah, that was a real Freudian slip there.

What did he say? We have fat black. Fat backup. Correct. Fat to black. Oh, I didn't know that was a mistake. All right, wait. Pull up some of the other biggins back there. Oh, okay. Wow, good for her sharing the stage with others. They do not look like they're eating primarily bananas. Also, this crew with the stage reinforcement. We got to give them a shout out. I mean, this is a lot of beams. Looks like the Royal Rumble out there. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that is a heavy stage. Wow. They have to take separate elevators down to the stage, I think. I don't know Lizzo. She sings. She's a singy person. She's good. Her songs are pretty good, I think. Oh, I love her. Yeah, I'm a huge fan. Very talented. She's a flautist. What's that? She eats a lot of flautas. No. Flautas. She flutes.

A flutist? No, it's actually flautist. Flautist? Thank you. Ari put me on... I thought that was a disease. Put her on our radar. Ari years ago was like, I saw this woman at a music fest and, you know, she's amazing. And it was Lizzo. All right. Cut that. Definitely cut that. Cut that. She'll fucking sit on me.

There's got to be so many odd cuts in this episode. I know. I got to stop playing with this tit. It's hard to not play with it. It's addictive, right? You know who sent us this tit? Trey Parker from South Park's Wife. Wow. Yeah, she's a surgeon? She owns a business with a surgeon. Got it. Got it. Women can't be surgeons. This is dynamite, this cocktail. Very good. He's a pro. Nice. Nice.

All right. Wow. Lizzo, that's going to get ugly. Are there any other? Oh, you guys big Pee Wee Herman fans? Oh, I love Pee Wee. I love that movie. I was terrified of it, but I liked the show. But I was a little young for Pee Wee. Like my sister, my uncle, they were like so into it. I watched the movie a lot. I was afraid of, was it Big Bertha?

Large Marge? Large Marge, yeah. I always call it Big Bertha. I was always terrified, but I always remember the tequila scene, but I have to be perfectly honest. When I was a kid, I didn't totally get it. Yeah. I was like, I thought he talked weird, but I watched it a lot, but I wasn't huge into it. I think...

The thing that shocked me, I thought he was like Gen X. He was 70 years old. Don't you think of him as being more like late 50s? He's playing a little kid. It's hard to tell his age here. And the show is out in the early 80s. Yeah. He's pretty old. He's also in Blues Brothers, by the way. Oh, yeah? He's in a great episode of Dirty Rock, too. He did a ton of... He's in Blow. He's great in Blow. Oh, that's right. Derek for real. It's also weird to think back on, there he is, how much the little girl, I want to buy your women.

It's hard to look back on that. He just lived in that character. He's just a comedian who just stayed in character. It's like Dice. For years. Yeah. Or Theo. But so much more of a character than Dice. Yeah, yeah. But I used to love the show, Pee-wee's Playhouse. That show was wild. There was nothing like it. It was so original and weird. So we're glossing over the controversy of him getting caught in a...

Porn theater. Well, Ronon's got the great bit about this. Great bit, which he reposted. Ronon Hershberg is a bit being like, we got mad at him for doing what you're supposed to do in an adult movie theater. I mean, that's a bit. I believe Fred Willard, too. Yeah, who had my favorite tweet of all time. What'd he do? Fred Willard was like the funniest person ever. We got to meet him. Yeah, cool guy. In Omaha. He got caught masturbating in a theater, and then the next day he just tweeted, Merry Christmas. Ha ha ha.

So perfect. Damn. So perfectly stated. But yeah, Pee Wee, yeah, he jerked off, whatever. That was a huge controversy back then. Huge. That was massive. Massive.

But what was... Was it because he was a kid star? I mean, what is it? That's what it was. The kid star. It's like when Ellen is mean, she's supposed to be this nice, dancey lady. So when they go the other way, that's when they get... Yeah, I guess if Barney the Purple Dinosaur was rubbing one out next to you in a seat. Exactly. Even if you were rubbing one out, you'd be like, fucking Barney. Yeah, that's a big eggplant. Yeah. A lot of purple. But yeah.

I thought everybody jerked off in a porn theater. Also, why are you going to a porn theater? It was a long time ago. I think it was the 90s. It was pre-internet. Yeah, it was hard to see porn. Yeah, that's where you went. I had VHS in the 90s. I don't know.

If I was a celebrity, I'm not going to a porn theater. That's all I'm saying. Maybe there's a thrill to it. That's probably what it is. It's got to be some of that. Because we had those orange tapes or a blue tape. Remember, they were always colored. How did he get busted? Who busted him? Yeah, I don't understand. Probably a sting, I guess. A sting was there? I remember one of the jokes. What a terrible cop to be. Everybody move in. He's whacking it.

Go fast before he finishes. One of the jokes I remember from being a kid was, what's his favorite baseball team? The Expos. Oh. And I remember not really thinking it was a great joke, but when you're a kid, you hear a joke. You're like, great, I have a joke to tell. Yes. You can tell any joke. We walked around telling jokes. You got any good jokes? Yeah. That was a thing that dudes said. Yeah. No one tells jokes anymore. No, my dad would always have one locked and loaded. Well, this was huge. Yeah, so 91 it happened. Heard any good jokes lately? I was nine. Perfect.

Perfect. Well, this is his first thing, appearance after the jerk-off thing. Oh, it happened in 1990? 91. Wow. I thought it was like 98. No. Because he was kind of at... Uh-oh. Was it really in 1991? Yeah, because this was shortly after. It was almost like the Hugh Grant Tonight Show. Right. It was at the height of it. That saved the Tonight Show. It brought it to number one. Yeah. This is his first appearance back from that. They love him. Oh, this is Arsenio. Who, who, who? Uh.

Oh, wow, the music awards, which actually used to be a thing. Now no one gives a shit. It was huge. Huge. I mean, what an ovation. This must have felt great. Almost as good as coming. This brings me back. I love Pee-wee. That was him for Halloween a couple times. Oh, that's a poor guy. Pee-wee. I feel like he must get emotional, but he's in character. He also probably was like, let me just get my dumb joke out. It's like a mosh pit down there. Paul Rubens.

I gotta say, the applause fucked up his thing. Totally, totally. It really ruined his timing. Also fucked up the show. You guys, this is gonna get a little deep and maybe cheesy, but I'm so jealous of these guys, like a Paul Rubens or even Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler can be like, doobie doo, doobie doo, or Jim Carrey can just

Go all in. I can't do that. I don't have the vulnerability. I'm not strong enough. Yeah, comedy. That's as far as I can go. I just say the profession I'm doing. Yeah. But I could never be that vulnerable. You're physical comedians and you're a stand-up more. I guess. I just hear my friends going, what are you doing? What are you doing?

What the hell is this? Stop acting weird. I don't know. Whenever I see someone like Nick Vatterot back in the day, like an open mic, and he would just go ball five people in the crowd. He'd be doing this crazy act out. I was like, that is fucking brave. Brave. People throw the word brave around in comedy, but I'm like, that's fucking brave to give it all out. Vatterot is so goddamn funny. No, we talked about this recently, I think on Tuesdays, about when I first started. I loved Jim Carrey, and I liked high-energy acts, and I loved Dane and stuff, but you couldn't... It was too much...

Yes, yes.

What is this? I know, but he committed. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine? I mean, I remember Caroline's just the fucking smell of the food while you're bombing. Yeah. I have to bomb and smell a fucking sirloin. So true. The thing about Caroline's, too, is set up in a way where the stage was like over. So if you ordered a meal, the tables were in a way they'd be eating like this and you're performing like back here. Yes, yes. So they're literally cutting steak like this.

Like, looking over their shoulder, you're like, I'm just a goner. I know. Caroline's was a great room for a period for all of us. Yeah. But I remember, like, for a period, I get every hot weekend opening for these, you know...

guys who were crushing at the time. Jim Jeffries, Dave Attell, Artie Lang, JB Smoove. Fun weeks we all had. But I remember as the club was kind of going down a little bit in quality, they stopped hiring security. Yep. I remember this guy would not stop. Scary dude heckling me. And I was like, is anyone going to throw this fucking guy out? He was like a scary guy. And I remember watching some tiny white guy who was a security guard walk over to him and whisper. And the guy just went like this.

And he just walked out like, sorry. And I'm like, oh, shit. I was so cocky about it. I'm like, they'll get rid of him. And he was like, I can't. He's too scary. Wow. One of the managers there was stealing money for years. Really? Oh, yeah. I really liked the guy, too. Great guy. Always nice. And it turned out he was just really... And the bartender there was stealing, too. No kidding. Really? This was probably like...

13, 14 years ago. And we all liked the guy. Wow. By the way, that was the best Christmas party ever. Oh, the food was like top notch. There was MMA happening there. We told this story on the pod many times. I mean, the Rich Boss kick. Yeah, I was involved. I was there. I was holding Rich's arms. Can you tell it? Because we've heard it from them many times. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, I feel bad if you've already heard the story a bunch of times, but...

Basically, Jason Kanter was busting Rich's balls and then Kanter came over and I was hammered, ripping up the dance floor. And then Kanter was like, yeah, man, Voss is pissed at me. He's screaming at me. And I was like, why is he screaming at you? And he's like, well, I made a joke about his kid. And then Voss was like, you're still talking shit?

And I was like, what? And then he comes over. He goes, you fucking still talking shit. And Cantor had a cocktail like this. And he slapped it out of him, hit me, exploded all over my tits. And I was like, oh, my God. And I grabbed Rich. I kept saying, he thinks he's being funny. He's being funny. And I had him by the arms like this. And because I had his arms, he just like mule kicked Cantor in the ribs. They kicked Cantor out.

Well, Voss had more juice at the time. Absolutely. In his arms. And broke two of his ribs. Wow. And the funniest part to me was

Later, I was talking to Quinn and I was like, yeah, he was fucking pointing his face. I'm going to fuck your kid. And I was like, no, no, he wasn't. That's insane. So I called Cannon. I'm like, you got to like put out some fires here. Like Colin Quinn thinks you were pointing in his face. I'm going to fuck your kid. And Ken was like, no, I did. I was like, oh.

Well, he owned up to it. You're lucky you only had two broken ribs after that shit. But Rich is such a sweet guy. They're both great guys. I mean, Cantor's maybe my best friend ever, but Rich was worried about getting sued and he felt terrible, so they worked out. They're quite friendly now. It's all good. That's nice. Yeah, but I think...

I think Bonnie was upset. She's like, you should not be talking when it's getting... Because Bonnie was upset, it got Rich cranked up. Well, as horrible as it is to break ribs and mule kick somebody, I still think that is better than like...

online shit just fucking someone up online I think it's better to get it out oh yeah of course you know I've been tuned up at the cellar a few times and I still prefer that right if you say something fucked up I remember a guy yeah you called me after that guy was choking you yes at the cellar and you know you're all hopped up like holy shit that was crazy but that's still better we worked it out so we won't say who it was but there was a guy on stage yeah Josh Gondelman yeah

But he was a guy on stage running the light. Yeah. It's a late show. You're getting annoyed. You shit on him on stage. Yeah. It's hitting. It's hitting.

You get off stage. He greets you with a high five and pulls you in and starts choking. Yeah, yeah, basically. And he's a strong guy. Yes. And I didn't see it coming. It was all like out of my I had no idea. Then you said you were going to fuck his kid. Yeah. And then no. Then you you. But he had he was. How long did it take you guys to be good after that?

Well, you know, probably, I don't know, six months. But we never saw each other. We just kept passing in the night. And then one day it was just like, fuck it, let's just talk. And it was totally fine.

And I'm all, you know, I'm not going to sue anybody or anything. I hate all that shit. Let's just work it out like adults. We can work it out. There you go. The mule kick. I remember when I was doing the shit talking on stage, Godfrey was on the floor slapping the floor going, ah, you're fucked up. You're fucked up.

Like he was like trying to warn me like you're done. He's going to kill you. And I thought I thought I was killing with Godfrey. I was like, hey, I'll keep it going. As you were getting your ass kicked, he was commentating as Cosby. The thing about talking shit. Good. Do you guys have any bits or anything? This is so good. Let me see. By the way, I got a bone to pick with you, Rubes.

That Anne Frank joke I ran on you, you guys, I think you hated it. It's killing. Oh, okay. Killing. Well, I apologize. All right. I don't ever want to dissuade you from pursuing a bit. No, no, I still did it. Dissuade and pursue. What did you say? Those two good words, back to back. All right. I'm pretty dumb. I was like, whoa, look at the big brain on Sam. Hawaiian burger. What about this? Is this funny? Ah.

I've done it a few times and it works, so don't tell me it's not. But have you heard it? I was ticketing a shit at Starbucks recently. It's a whole thing there. But they had motion detector lights, so the lights went off. So now I'm shitting like this. That's already great. It happened a few times. It kept turning off. Does it help the flow of the shit to wait? It feels like it would be more conducive to get it out of you. You're like the queen. You're doing one of these while taking it down.

Well, then it's awkward, too, because then I've got to come out of a public restaurant with my flashlight on. So it looks like I was inspecting my asshole or whatever. Oh, yeah, checking for warts. There you go. That's a great act out. Great act out. Yeah, it's fun. I've got a peeve for you, actually. You just triggered a peeve, actually, which is right before this.

I go in that... There's that one bathroom, right? It's just one toilet. I go in there. It smells like fucking trash. It's like someone went to town on it. Oh, yeah. Like, trash, trash, or shit? No, shit. It's bad as hell. I just take a piss in there. I walk out. There's a person waiting. Oh!

That's a longfully accused moment class. I'm Harrison Ford in the fugitive. I had that on a plane once I was like oh pissing and then I came out a lady was right there. I was like It's a weird thing about the ego because even though you don't know whoever's waiting you feel the need to tell them I don't smell like that Yeah, that wasn't me. Yes. That's why I pee on the seat. I did that not the shit, right?

They can tell because it's your name. Yeah, there you go, like snow. I like that. I think that's a hilarious act. Great, yeah, and very relatable. Did it come on? Yeah, yeah, it came on, and it's happened a couple times. How long does it take? I wonder how long it takes. We should look at how long it takes to go out. Well, I think you can set it for different times, I assume. They probably do that to speed it up so you don't.

lingering there. Right. Oh, yeah. I saw that happen to someone in a new building. I guess they didn't set it right, but I was just taking a piss at a urinal. He's in the stall, and as I'm washing my hands, the lights go out, and I guess the lighting fixture wasn't in the right place, and I couldn't turn it on, and he just goes...

Fuck. And I'm like, sorry, dude. He goes, I don't even have my phone on me. Oh, that sucks. Just in the dark, not knowing what he's done with my phone. Yeah, how do you know? You got to see the paper. I've definitely done the dumb guy thing where, you know, you're in a bathroom. There's,

a guy in the toilet and you just aren't thinking and you feel like you're at home and you just turn the light out by accident and he's like what the fuck and you're like sorry I got it the best move is when you're in there with a buddy doing like battle shits and then as you're if you finish first you leave you go hey what time are we heading out tomorrow and then you shut the door and he's just talking

And you hope somebody else comes in. That's fun. I told you the story when I worked at Sears with my buddy Dave Stewart. Great guy. We were shitting next to each other. We called it battle shits. And you're just on break. He's shitting there. I'm shitting here. And this is really gross. Trigger warning. I wiped my ass. The first wipe. And I reached underneath and just stuck it to the side wall. And he immediately threw up. It was like this. It made like this noise. Boom. And then just blah.

And it just splattered everywhere. And we worked loss prevention, so it was his responsibility to clean up his own puke. But it was like a muddy shit just stuck to the sidewall. That is fucking incredible. I'm Joe Liz. Welcome to Jackass. I mean, he just immediately threw up. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, what will make you... Is there anything that would make you just puke? Puke is tough. Other people's shit is really a good whiff of shit.

Yeah. It gives me a gag. I haven't just thrown up like that in a long time, but... Yeah, I don't know. What's a good throw-up? Someone's got to be pushing you in that direction already, too. Like, you don't feel well for another reason than that, you know? Yeah. Ari can do some stuff. If someone's throwing up on a plane, I'll throw up.

Really? But I have to see and hear someone else throwing up. I saw it once coming out of a mouth into the bag. Like there was an inch window from the bag to the mouth, and it was pretty horrific. Bright yellow, projectile, chunky, brutal. Damn. You got to put the bag to mouth, folks. I had my first bidet experience. I never did one. Bidet, mate. What did you say? I said bidet, mate. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I loved it. It was like, I'm a different guy now. Heated. Yeah. I got that set up. It's nice. You could do like taint to back to front. It was like, and then I had the heater to dry off. Yeah. Like a car wash. The day is good.

Very good. I don't know if I should get one because it's too luxurious. Why is it luxurious? I mean, it's your home. You're getting a steam shower there. Why can't you get a bidet? It's your home where your wife sleeps, where your children come and play with their toys. That's a good point. Godfather. Part two. You're about to be a dad. Yes. Someone told me don't get the tissue warmer. There's like a thing you can get. Tissue warmer? Yeah, like the baby wipe warmer. So in the middle of the night, you wipe your kid's butt when they...

They shit or piss, and it doesn't shock them to crying and waking up. Oh, that's good. But then someone told me, don't get it, because it turns your kid into a little bitch. And they can never go without it. Oh, that's inevitable. Interesting. I put my baby wipes in the freezer just so my kids cry. There you go. Toughen them up. Good call. Well, the thing with baby stuff is anything online, everybody wants to tell you what's what, and everyone, it's brutal. All right, what about this for a bit? Probably won't work, but we'll give it a shot.

My buddy has a... Oh, wait. I don't know. My niece is 14, and she's confiding in me. We're pretty close. We text and talk on the phone. And she told me she's bulimic. I was like, jeez. So she sent me a photo. I just wrote back, you look great. And then I was like, which one is bulimia again? Because I couldn't remember because there's so many of these eating disorders. And she said, I eat a bunch of food, and I throw it up before I digest it because I'm scared of...

you know, weight gain. I was like, what are you crazy? She's like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, why would you do that? She's like, well, I want the taste. I want the fun part, but I don't want the weight gain. And I was trying to relate. So I said, it's kind of like the pulling out of eating, you know, and that's that part's hitting. And then I say, I need I need more. So I'm saying like, I was like, hey, if you do gain weight,

Well, you can just get lipo and suck it out. And she's like, well, what are you going to do if you forget to pull out? And I go, oh, we can just suck it out. That's like the abortion? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going a different way. Please. When you said the picture, you look great, I thought your brother was going to find the phone like, what the fuck? Oh, that's interesting. I thought that's where it was going. Right, right. Yeah, huh. How's that about other traumas in her life that you can share with us?

Just turn that into a bit. Yeah, right, exactly. She'll hear this and kill herself. But I thought the bulimia to pulling out, that part works. So I just need more. But the hard thing is the pulling out is different than bulimia because bulimia, you do consume it, and then you throw up.

Pulling out, you never come in them. It's almost like you come in them and then they just shoot out the shiz. My niece texts me she's suicidal and doesn't want me to tell anybody. Let me try. I don't even have a niece, but I thought there was a... I thought there was a...

I need to make it personal, you know? Yeah. Well, remember or not, I cracked this mystery from the top, but... We're very close. No, but I think the pulling out analogies is really good.

But don't you see my point? I see your point. Bulimic is you do eat it, then throw it up. You have to come in the person, and then she lets it drip out. It's more like a, what do you call that? A cream pie. A cream pie, yeah. A cream pie. That's the cream pie. Bulimia is the cream pie. But do people know about cream pie?

Matt certainly does. What about this kid? He's 11. You know what cream pie? Well, you got the internet. Okay. Yeah, an 11-year-old. You got to ask a 50-year-old. Right. Sam? I tried a bit about it once, and it didn't do great. And part of it, I feel like, is because of that. Like, people didn't know. Yeah. Hit me. You flip it. You explain cream pie. That's sort of like the bulimia.

Interesting. Because they don't know what cream pie is. You know what? Your cream pie, it's my favorite porn, whatever. That's when you cum and then you shoot it back out of your pussy. Yeah. That's kind of like bulimia. Maybe. I don't know. I'm spitballing. That's not bad. That way you can explain it. What about like a vasectomy and a lap answer? Well, that would just two completely different things. It's like being like, what about a school bus and an airplane? Where are we going? You're tying it up because you can't take it in. Right. I get it. I get it. You're losing the bulimia aspect. Yeah. That's the tank aspect. Yeah.

She's telling you she's bulimic. Yeah. Which I don't need. But I like the comparison. But now you got cream pie in my head and now I'm hard. Bulimia pull out. But it is, for me, as like a...

What do you like a sensical thing like that? It doesn't quite add up to me. Sure. Personally. OK, because the pull out is totally different. That's like not putting the food in your mouth. That's like going to get it and throwing it on your face. Right. But I think the point is, it's it's incomplete. Like you didn't finish it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Because he's saying before I digest. So I think maybe that's OK. Before you digest, you're right. Like before you get pregnant, you come inside, you pull out.

Yeah. It's tough because I feel like I got a comparison that's working. I just don't know where to go from here. Right. Okay. This is the classic thing where you bounce a joke that's already working and I'm like, it's no good. No, no, it's working. You're like, oh, shit. I was scared to tell you. Yeah. Damn it. Oh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, Peter. Okay. Yeah. That makes more sense. We keep the cum. So it's a blowjob joke now.

Yeah, that's kind of the spitting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just feel weird with her like, so I've been blowing these guys and I can't decide whether it's me or Spits. No, she's bulimic still. Oh, okay, okay. And then you're like, my wife is bulimic. She doesn't swallow. She spits. I don't know. Right, right. Yeah, that's interesting. Something.

You don't finish it. The joke is you don't finish it. Yeah, yeah. The joke is you don't want the results. Right. You don't want to get pregnant or gain weight. You're getting the good part. You're getting the blowjob, right? Yeah, the food. Right, the food. That's the food. You get the delicious part. Yeah. Yeah. The tasty dick. All right, what do you got? I had an idea about... I was reading the thing about Hitler about how he...

Yeah, Adolf. And he... Kirk Hitler? He was into, you know, incest porn and sadomasochism. And I was, you know, I kind of paused and I was like, you think you know a guy? But he...

Yeah, he was into incest porn and getting peed on. And I was like, man, Hitler liked to get pissed on, which is like, that's so weird. But then you're also like, if anyone's going to be into it, it should be Hitler. Like, it would also be weird if he was just like, you know, I just cuddle, you know? Right, right. And then the next angle was like, maybe this is a better angle. I hope so. Was, you know, he had an affair with his niece for like six years, Hitler. So...

I want to do something about it. Can you imagine being his mistress and your friends are talking to you and they're just like, Hitler doesn't respect you. He's never going to commit. I don't know. Maybe there's nothing here. Right, right. All right. Let me try a different one because this one's fucking hit last night. No, I like the shitting and the pissing stuff. You think you know a guy is a great line. Well, sometimes I'm just thinking too. Yes, yes. It's not like I'm like, sucks. I'm doing math over here. Yeah. Yeah.

Let me try a different one. All right. I think there's stuff here. There's legs? Yeah, for sure. But yeah, I'm thinking here. Okay, hold on.

Hitler's in the state of Damascus. He likes being peed on. It's just also weird to bring it up now. It's going to affect our view of Hitler. It's one of the things where you're like, he already did the worst thing. Yes, that's the angle. Like peeing on a... We're trashing him more? We're piling on now? Yeah, piling on, yeah. To Hitler? Also, sometimes maybe there's something to this angle, an idea of like...

Are we just making some of this up because we're just so mad about Hitler? Right. Like he's such an asshole. And, you know, he fucked a rabbit or whatever. I don't know. Whatever. Yeah. We're making shit up. You know, you'd be like, do we do that with other people? Like, you know, Bill Cosby, you know, serial rapist. But, you know, he left the top off the milk. You know, like we're adding stuff later. You know, Cosby didn't post the black square. There you go. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, fucking Manson. He didn't tip. Right. Yeah, maybe the angle was like, man, it's really fucked up to tarnish this guy's legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about some respect for the dead? You know, I just thought about the old, I think it was Dana Gould had the bit about Charles Manson. He has to go to the parole meeting every year with a big swastika carved into his head. He's like, guys, I'm better. He's got a fucking great bit. I'm better. Great comic. I'm not crazy.

That's really funny. Yeah, yeah. It's just weird that like, don't tell me about more Hitler shit if it's not worse than what he already did. I think that's the angle. You know, you're telling me about extra shit. I already hate the guy.

Yeah, it's also just funny to keep digging shit up on Hitler. Like, who's still doing homework? Like, we gotta fucking get this guy. Yeah, yeah, it hasn't been enough. Oh, maybe that's something... The people that are still supporting Hitler, like, maybe this is gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Right. I hate Jews, but, like, pervs? Ew. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. They like to pee on him. All right, I'm out. This pedophile was fucking young boys. Oh, I didn't know he was gay. Yeah. Right. Hey! You're early! Hey.

Sit down. Good to see you. Should we do other bits? You got anything else? Oh, geez. Hold on. He's got one. I don't know. A lot of these, some of these I'm nervous because they're working a bit and I don't want to just throw them out there. How about this? This is a story slash bit. I'm at a crowded breakfast place with Monis, Luke Monis. Or maybe it was Matt Wayne, actually. Both great guys.

We're in Columbus, Ohio. We're eating breakfast. It's a packed restaurant. This is eating. And then this woman yells out, attention, everybody. Attention. So right away, I already hate her. Yep. And then she goes, my friend's about to walk in. She's a bride to be. Everybody just go crazy when she walks in. Oh, boy. And I'm eating eggs thinking, why don't you shut the fuck up? How's that sound? Right. Then she comes in and immediately I just bail. I'm like, go, girl. I start clapping. I just immediately am clapping for her. And then the woman starts crying.

Like, she's like, thank you. And I'm like, why are you emotional? We don't care. Your friend just bullied us. I don't understand, like, why you were moved by strangers clapping for you. Yeah. Also, how many times do we need to go crazy for this woman? Won't they go crazy at the wedding? Exactly. Why are we clapping? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyways, those are the angles. And it's not impressive to me to get married. Well, that's the thing. Women think it is. They think it's like a big day and you're, you're like the star for the day. So you're, this friend is adding to her stardom. Well, I hope neither of your wives listen to this podcast. We've talked about it. Well, my wife is, would be appalled. Like if I was like, everyone clapped for Sarah when she walks in, she'd be like, I hate you and all these people. It's like singing happy birthday at the restaurant. It's, it's,

no one gives a shit right right no one else gives a shit your immediate circle gives a shit yes but even they're phoning it in yes even your friends are like no one else gives a shit no we don't give a shit about the wedding either that's fake too it's all fake I loved your wedding well but you don't give a shit that I'm getting married you're not like yeah that's what I'm saying yeah I just wanted to hang out and dance yeah it's a fun wedding it's a good time but yeah you should get married

For the wedding. We just want to go to a party. We can hang. Yeah. We'll do it at TWA. Yeah, let's do it there. We'll do it at Newark. Teterboro. All right.

this feels like it's working yeah it works i don't know that's okay is there but like is there at the very least the funny scenario just someone like trying to you're the hype man friend you're just like shut up yeah i think shut up is like well yeah maybe there's an angle like this is why you pay the staff at the wedding to go cry i'm nobody right do do that with your shit well that was the thing that was funny to me is the idea of getting emotional by that but you want to actually tell like stop crying we don't

Yeah, yeah. This is not real. It's just so weird to be like, oh my God, that's so nice. Yeah. It is nice. Women are emotional or whatever. Yeah. But every night strangers clap for me. I don't get emotional. That could be something. Yeah. That'd be weird if you were on stage and started crying. Yeah. God, the fucking Syracuse funny bone. I'll tell you.

I think you got something there. There's something there. It's already working. Yeah. Well, shut up. Get a laugh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. That gets a laugh. And then believe me. All right. What do you got? I feel like I'm just eating it here. So did I. My last joke. Don't bring it up again. We just lost. We just lost all our fucking fans in this episode. She's scared to try another one.

All right, I got one. All right. So, you know, I might have run this by you. I'm sure you did. But, you know, I was sleeping with a girl who I'm seeing, and while we're doing it, we just started. She goes, this is her dirty talk, let's see how quickly you can come. Oh, I love this woman. Ha!

Doesn't sound like it's something you're enjoying. Right. If you're trying to get out of it immediately. Right. If I'm like, this movie's incredible. Do you want to leave? Oh, yeah. Something like that. She's like, can we watch it on fast forward? Yeah. Yes. You want to skip a few scenes? Right, right. Watch it on 2X or whatever. Yeah, whenever a girl, whenever I was single, I'd be banging a girl. She's like, come for me. I'm like, you just want this to end. Nobody wants you to come for them. That's what it feels like. It just feels like she's trying to speed it up. The person you should say that to is a rapist.

It's right. Right. That's funny. Drew. Well, it's like the old thing you do with a kid. You're like, let's see who can clean up the room the fastest. Yeah. That was like a classic thing. Let's clean up a fast. I got to stop fucking my mom. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's funny. Yeah. But yeah, you could do a whole thing, which is like, we should have S.E.X. You know, she's treating you like a little kid. Yeah. Maybe you could be like, well, let's just see who can stay quiet the longest.

Oh, that's funny. Let's play the quiet game. I'm going to do that with her stories. Let's see how quickly you can finish this. And then after you fuck her, let's go hide and go seek. You never call her again. There we go. Now we got a bit. We got past the awkwardness. Our parts are very funny.

All right. This is a quick, quick joke. Is this anything about how it's like cool to be gay now being like, it's trendy to be like gay or LGBTQ. And I'm like,

boy, I would kill for that. When I was getting, I got beat up for being gay and I'm not even gay. That's funny. All right. That could be, it's just a quick one. Yeah. It used to be like, you're gay. Like, let's kick his ass. And now it's like, you're gay. Like, you want to hang out? Exactly. Yeah. And gay was an insult. Like, those shoes are fucking gay, you know? Right. Now it's like, oh, you're gay. It's like, I knew it was in a good neighborhood. Yeah.

Right, right, yeah. Yeah, you want to hang out. Yeah. Before it was like, you're gay, we're never hanging out. You know? And that was me. I'm not even gay. I like the explaining part that you're not gay. That's my favorite part. Yeah. I'm not even gay. But it's weird to get beat up. Like, if you're like a racist guy and you beat up a black dude, he's black. At least. At least you were right.

Wait a minute. You get what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying. All right. I think I told you this one. True story. I lived in Harlem. I don't say that, but I went to my car. I have a car in the city. I went over to my car. There was four black guys sitting on my car. So I just didn't take the trip.

I was like, all right, well, you guys have been through a lot. I'm going to call my mother. I'm like, something came up. And then my friend was like, you didn't say anything. I'm like, say anything. Even if I came home and there was four guys fucking my wife, I wouldn't say anything other than I'm coming. Thank you guys. Here's your money. That's great. Is that funny? I love it. Yeah. All right. So there's something funny too. Like the car is still there.

You never got the car back after 10 years or whatever this happened. Right, right. It's still sitting there. Yeah. Your friend's like, can I get a ride to the store? You're like, oh, my car's in Harlem. No, it got stolen. Really? Well, sort of. Kind of, yeah. It's a seated violation or whatever the hell that's called. That's an absolutely true story. I just took the train. I was like, I'll just take the subway. That's hilarious. Because I was like, ah, I'm too nervous. I get it. It sucks you never got thanked.

By those guys. Oh, maybe that's something. Yeah. Like they could have been like, oh, we're a little comfortable. We appreciate it. Right. Yeah. I like it. I love that you just don't want to bother them. You're like, eh, it's a whole thing. I don't know. Because it is hard to be like, hey, fellas, scooch out of here. It is weird. I was at a house party once and these guys were sitting on my car and they were like tough guys. So I was like, I'll just start it up and they'll probably get off. And I started it up and they stayed on it like as a goof.

So I just kept going. So I'm at the stop sign, and they're on my car. And I'm like, I hit the wipers. I didn't know what to do. I hit the wipers. I hit the spray. It'd be great if Mark's like, I killed a guy one time. Yeah.

He wouldn't move. I'm Matthew Broderick. Dude, Tom McCaffrey used to have a great joke about that. Oh, really? Do you remember that? About how Matthew Broderick and Jennifer Grey killed someone. And the angle was just, I wish that was like my grandma, just so I could pressure them to hang out with me. Every time he's like, oh, you don't want to hang out? That's cool. I'll just call my grandpa. Oh, wait, I can't. Because you and Matthew Broderick murdered him. That's funny. Yeah.

Supposedly it was Roadhead. That's the rumor. I heard the same. Really? Jennifer Grey was blowing them. Jennifer Grey. Yeah. I wish you got the nose job. That's what I heard. That's a crazy story. All right. All right. Well, yeah. Plug gigs, Joe. What do you got coming? The special's out. One of the best comics in the business. Yeah. Brand new special. Third one in three years. Yeah. Prolific son of a B here. Three years. You too. Oh, Jesus. Don't pull up photos of me. My God. Good Lord. We're eating here. What are you doing? By the way, believe it or not, I have a bit of a belly ache.

I don't know if it was the green tea, the mocktail, or the two chocolate chip cookies, or the hot dog I ate in the street. But it's not good. ComedianJillList.com. ComedianJillList.com. Go to YouTube right now. You can watch the new special. It's called Enough for Everybody. It's very funny. It's free. Subscribe to the channel. I got a bunch of dates coming up. I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't know when this comes out. But I'll be at Nashville Zany's in a couple weeks. Classic. And I haven't updated my website. I'm not good at...

But, yeah, the special is what matters. August 18th. It should be out now, I think. Oh, yeah. And it's on YouTube. Go check it out. Tell a friend. Subscribe to the channel. Subscribe, share, comment, and upvote. Give it a thumbs up. Please. It's very good. And I have another one from last year called This Year's Material. Yes. Also on there. Also very funny. This year's great. And he's got a Netflix thing. Joe's got so many great specials out. So watch all of them. And a hell of a podcast. One of the best. There you go.

Uh, yeah, got, uh, I don't know when this coming. Okay. Yeah. Bethlehem, York, uh,

That's going to be a big one. Put a little enthusiasm into these plugs. Jesus Christ. Chicago Theater. I can't wait. Stand up live in Phoenix. One of my favorites. Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. MSG Theater, the big one. November 4th. See you there. And all over Australia. So I'll see you all over the world. I can't wait. I was so offended by your lack of enthusiasm on my plug. Then you kept the same energy for yours.

You're like, I'm doing a big theater. I don't know. He's consistent. I said one of the best. I mean, you're like, I got to. Focus on the words. I'm doing Madison Square Garden. You okay? You sound like Ben Stein. Wow, what a pull. All right. Bueller.

Don't run anyone over. Bueller. Wait, when's your special come out? August 18th. Okay, so we'll go after that. I'm at the Taft Theater in Cleveland. Wow! What is that? Gileos in Springfield, Missouri. Holy hell, then Chesterfield, Missouri, which I've never heard of at the factory. I think that's just

A Shoe Factory. Now we're at, what does that say? Norway. Oh, we're doing a fucking European run. Norway, Copenhagen, Denmark. Oh, Berlin is fun. Never been. Birthdays, I'll be in Dublin for my birthday. That's fun. Ah, happy birthday, Dublin. London, Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow, Hershey, PA, DC, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Portland, Maine,

All right. You can go to the website, marknomacomedy.com. Check out the Netflix special as well. It's still streaming. I hope they didn't take it down. And yeah, get a bottle of Bodega Cat, you queefs. Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com, baby. Beer Juice, you're working on the book. That's coming out soon. Coming out soon. We're going to crack out a foreword for you. Yeah, and if everything is going along as planned, it'll be shipping out in September. So check it out online. Woo!

And keep an eye out for it. Hell yeah. I'll write a five word. And what do you got there? New Jack. I just want to name this episode before the Reddit queefs get to it. Let's go with Tuesdays with Drunks. Hey. All right. Nice. Somebody maced that guy. I'd like to really build that up like it was going to be a hot book.

I came up with a crazy idea. I know, right? I'm the most obvious fucking name ever. I feel like we might be gay is better. My father's gay. By the way, that's like City Hick. There's going to be 300 people being like, I've been saying this for years, you fucking idiot. That was devastating, by the way, the City Hick thing. I'm really upset.

Well, we love you. Congrats on the special, Joe. Yeah, it really shows by your face and tone. No, I love you guys. Well, I hate you too, motherfucker. I hate myself. Great special. Check it out. YouTube. Free specials. Subscribe. Yeah. Wow. That was anti-Sam. Wow. Yeah. It was flit. All right. Well, thank you, folks. We'll see you all in hell.