Ep 138: Just The Boys & Greek Liquor
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Yo, we're here. Hey, we're queer. We're doing it. We're back. We got no beer, Jew. We got no Sally. It's bare bones. And fresh bones. Yeah. Fresh meat. New intern right here. Yeah, 20-year-old West Virginia, Jersey native, West Virginia college kid. But we're all hard. Thanks for making it. Looks great. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, boy, we're both road hard. Put away. You look more ethnic than you've ever looked. You're going full. You look like you've been captured in the Middle East. You must have been waterboarded. I'm solving mysteries in Hawaii. I've been gone for a while, man. Yeah. Me too. Same. I've been up, down, left, right. I'm doing Massachusetts, then going to Idaho. Then I went to the Washington State, then down to Tennessee. Where were you?

I did Chickapee Mass, not bragging. Chickapee. There's a new room called the Loft Comedy Club. It's run by the Rhode Island guys, the Comedy Connection. Ooh, gotcha. Yeah, they're good. I like that club. Good guy. It's like a crazy club in the middle of this field. I mean, it felt like Roadhouse. It felt like I was being, like I was in a town hall meeting. Yeah. Yeah.

Packed to the gills, low ceiling, like bugs, you know? You know one of those shows where you're doing this shit with the gnats? Oh, God. Crazy, but cool room. Great club. Check it out. If you live near Chicopee or Springfield, Mass, a lot of fentanyl. And then... There's a lot of fentanyl everywhere. Yeah, yeah. I went to the main room in this building that was people doing fentanyl. It's fucking everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. No, it's like Ozembic. Yeah. So then I... It's one of those towns, no airport, no Amtrak, so I had to get up early, I

I got the one Uber in town. Wow. You know you gotta get the one guy? Yeah. I got off the Amtrak, I got Bob, and then when I went to the airport two days later, I got Bob. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. You gotta be nice to him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're like, this dude. I turned the chit-chat on. Yeah. So Bob brought me to the Hartford Airport, which I didn't know existed. Military airport. Yeah. Tiny. Tiny.

No lounge. I went there once. Yeah, it's a last resort. Yeah. Yeah. Last flight out of Nam. And I got all the way to Idaho. Oh, my God. Had to connect through Denver. Went to the Fully Loaded Tour. Incredible at the Buckeye.

Buck guy, hawk guy, brown eye, eyebrow girl, ISIS, I don't know what happened. But did some arena there with Bert, hooked up with Stavros, Big J, Santino, Rosebud. I mean, it was just a who's who of real alcoholics and fat people. And we had a great time. We went tubing on the river. Stavros lost my bodega hat.

bodega cat you went tubing on starburst use him to float yeah he hit a rock so he sank like a like a billionaire submarine but uh we just had a great time and then we got on the bus you know got boozed up went on the bus woke up at the gorge in washington you can pull up a gorge photo it looked gorge it looked beautiful i mean the pics you sent me i mean we were texting during the day and i was like dude you just sent me a pic of burt golfing it's

Hilarious that he's a good athlete. Amazing athlete. He's good at every sport. It's incredible. It is incredible. One time we went skiing together. He skied one day and snowboarded the next day, and he was still better than all of us. Look at that sunset. Beautiful. That is insane. I said it was like if the Grand Canyon went to Coachella, you know, because it's got a little more...

naturey, fun-loving, hippie vibe. Yeah. No, I get that. It looks beautiful, man. Beautiful. 15,000 people. They get there at noon. They start drinking a couple. One guy passed out during Stavros' set, and the cops or the medics had to run in because all these girls were like, ah! And Stavros, he had to flip up glasses, and Stavros goes, let's flip those glasses down and we get at Bernie's this motherfucker and keep going. The crowd went nuts.

That's when we were like, this dude better pull through so I can post the clip. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's what I said. I was like, content. We went slip and sliding all day, and we put out some visqueen. I saw that, and that scares me a little bit. Because I did that as a kid, and it's like, you never don't get hurt. No, man. Let me pull my back up. Let me see. I'm sure I'm cut up.

Oh my god. Really? Did you fuck Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? What the hell is going on? Oh, I had to do a lot of explaining with the wife. That is... That's bad. Oh yeah, well, you should see Stavros. He hurt the ground. The ground's hurting. But we had a great time, and if you could pull up the video of Stavros hitting me in the nuts. What? This is the kind of fun we were having that day. It's on my Instagram. Oh, I don't know if that's doable, but...

Yeah, we were just drinking beers all day. You're out in the sun. It was too fun. And then when the show at night was at the Gore, there it is. It hit a million views in like 10 seconds. Are you in starve? Well, I was...

running around on the slip and slide and then Bert goes, come here! And he poured a big ice bucket on me so I was like, oh my god, it was so cold! And then as I'm shivering, Stavros threw a Nerf ball, hit me right in the balls and I went down for like a half hour. Matt's locked out because he was looking at kiddie porn. Real good, Peters!

I don't know mine either. No one knows their password. There's too many passwords. That's a peeve. Well, I have one password. If one guy finds that first one, I'm fucked. He's got my grinder, my you name it, everything. Lolita Express 42. Unlocks the whole kingdom right there. Yeah, but then I flew out of there the next day out of Seattle. I had to drive two and a half hours to Seattle from the gorge, and I got to the airport, flew to did Theo's podcast, did two shows in Nashville, and now I'm here.

Yeah, I did a show with Theo in Edmonton. You ever have a gig where you're like, this is, it's one night. The money was really good, so I was like, oh, great. Outdoor Festival, the Great Outdoors Fest. Oh, yeah. And it was me, Laura Peek, and Theo Vaughn as the show. Oh, I love Peek. Yeah, she said great stuff about you. And it's good energy, you know, it's good everything. But it's one of those things where it's outdoors, it's Edmonton.

You look at the itinerary and you're like, this is going to be an easy night. Yeah. No direct flights. I'm like, okay, I got to get in the night early. I've been traveling, so that night counts or something. I'm tired. I'm like, whatever. First flight is a nightmare. First flight, I'm getting there.

You know, I got this woman behind me. You ever have someone behind you that's just like screaming? Yeah. They're just talking so loud. They're like, I have noise-canceling headphones on and I can hear you. Wow. And the guy next to her I could tell was just going with it but kind of annoyed. Was she mad or was she just, that's how she talked? No, she just talked like that. She was that loud. And she was with a son. She was kind of a hot, older woman. But just one, so loud that finally I turn to her and I go, keep it down. Ha ha.

I had to turn around and just go, keep it down. I saw the tweet. Yeah. And the guy, as I'm getting off the flight, goes, I tweeted at you. So I guess he knew who I was. So he wrote, Sam Rell just told me to fuck off. And I'm like, no, I told a woman to shut up. You got to watch him with his beard. You're going to get called a terrorist. Well, there always...

The air police or whatever they're called. But they're always, people when, they're always shocked. Yeah, I know. When they're screaming, you're like, do you mind? And they're just like, oh. Of course. Like, I'm the asshole. Every time. Everyone in the flight gave me a look like, thank you. Like, I have to be the asshole always. Yep. But. We appreciate that, by the way. You got to do it. Someone's got to do it. Someone's got to do it. Someone's got to step up. You're that guy.

You're the hero. Usually I have a couple drinks in, so by the time the second drink hits in, you're just like, yeah, fuck you. Yeah. So then, of course, I'm panicking, too, because the flight is late, so I'm extra irritable. So it's like, you know that...

now this was supposed to be one night in Edmonton. Wait, what happened with the lady? Oh, I just, she's just shocked. She's just like, but then she's still loud. She's an idiot. And then of course he tweets to me that she was like, you know, a stage mom and she was there with her son. I'm like, yeah, I could tell she fucking stunk. I could tell she was awful. That's not a good thing. Yeah, but...

I think that was his way of being like apologetic. Oh, dude. Let me see. This is America's Funniest. Boom. Right. You can't see stuff, but I went down. I mean, he got me. I was out for 30 minutes. Did that really hurt? It hurt like hell. And I didn't brace at all. I didn't have time to brace. So that's the kind of shenanigans we're doing all day. Brutal. Well, anyways. Sorry. Let's see it again.

Wow. Oh my god. The water was freezing. Speaking of terrorists, that was... Yeah, that was a missile. That was a lot. Well, we... Heat seeking. So anyway, yeah, I'm now panicking because it's one of those things where it's a connect flight, but you have to go through customs on the connection. So it's delayed, and I'm like...

There's no flights. I'm going to be stuck in Toronto for the night. Yeah. I barely make, I'm like sprinting. It's that classic thing where everything's down. So you're like the passport thing is down. You can't get it to print. I go to the next one. That one's not working. All the escalators are broken. Somebody's lugging two things up. You're just sprinting. Yes. It's like a sad decathlon. You know?

You're just running through this shit. And I get on the next flight. I'm like fuming. You know, you have to re-go through security, everything. Oh, yeah. Get on the next flight. Of course, that's delays. All of this was for nothing. But it won't update on my phone, so it's not telling me that. Right. So... Yeah, we're international. Yeah. So then we get there. The next day, we're at the gig, Edmonton. It's like... It's 7,500 people. Whoa. It's outdoors. A great outdoors fest. Big headliner, right? Theo. Oh, Theo was the headliner? Yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. And...

We get there, and Theo and I go. He's like, I was going to go. I never do soundcheck, but Theo's like, I'm going to soundcheck. And I was like, fuck it. Everyone else is going. I don't want to be the odd man out, so I go to soundcheck. The air is so bad. I went outside in Edmonton. It felt like I smoked two packs. It was that bad. Oh, the fires. Yeah, the wildfires. Got it. So we get to the venue, and I'm like, dude, this is bad air.

air and Theo's like nah what are you talking about man I was like no I'm telling you this is like bad air I don't mean to be like the Jewish stereotype here but this is like not good and within 30 minutes our agent calls us and was like the gig's cancelled the government has shut down the gig because of the air quality it's at an 8 out of 10 which is apparently really bad and I could tell it was bad and I'm like yeah I get it and so they're like will you spend an extra night there

you know, and we'll do the show on Saturday. And I'm like, well, is the air going to be better? And they're like, we think it will be. Oh, my God. I was like, all right. You know, it's now three nights in Edmonton as opposed to one. So you're like, day three. Three nights in Edmonton sounds like a horrible day. I felt like I was in Bruges. We were like, fucking get me out of here. Exactly. But yeah, so now it's day three. It's not a day where you can really walk out because like you take two steps out and you're like, this is horrible. Right. It's like gross. So.

Yeah, I'm in the hotel. Can you see it? Is it brown? Like the air? Oh, it's disgusting. Okay. Yeah, and of course, I'm like, I'm going to be healthy. So I swim some laps, and then I put my finger, I do the locker. It just slices right open. I'm bleeding everywhere. And I'm like, oh, can I... So I just go to the front desk. I'm like, can I get something? They're like, we have a Band-Aid. Yeah. And we'd like to offer you a free drink. I'm like, oh, thanks. I'll dip my finger in it, you fucking prick. Thanks for nothing. Bloody Mary. Yeah. But anyway...

I, we get to the gig and like, I go outside during the day. I'm like, the air is worse than it was yesterday. Wow. But it's one of the things where I'm like, I don't want to do, it's good money. I don't want to just take their money and do the gig. So I'm like stressed that gig is going to happen. It's insane that like we couldn't, that was my opener. I'm like, we couldn't perform fucking indoors for two years. Now we can't perform outdoors. I feel like my agent is going to call me in two weeks and be like, we got you an underwater gig. It's on a submarine. It's a safe one. It's not a Titanic one. That's great. So, uh,

And, you know, we get there and it's like, it's bad. We look at the thing. I'm like, it's still eight. But they just did the gig. I was like, we could have done the gig. We have very different styles. I would have gone straight to Trudeau's face with the brown. I think Theo did something about that. Okay, there you go. So then, I mean, I did a bunch of jokes about the weather. Like, you had to. You had to riff on it. Of course, of course. But so then...

The next day, it was a fun show. We had a great time. Everyone, you know, it's tough. Outdoor comedy is tough. Oh, yeah. It's not ideal. And I see Theo panicking when I get off. I could see him being like, oh, fuck, how was it? And I'm just like, you don't want to psych the dude out, but you also don't want to make him think he's walking into a great situation. So you have to walk that line of like...

it's, they're good. And he's like, but I mean, they were good, but it's just, it's outdoors. And Theo's already a head case. That's what I mean. So yeah, you played it right. Just in a way where I don't want to, you know, I could tell he was, he's in his head. Yeah. But you know, then we had fun after nice night, had a few drinks, uh,

the next day my one of the wme agents is there and she goes my flight was canceled because she was supposed to go to the airport with me and i'm like oh my god what the fuck in edmonton what is this city see it's the bermuda triangle so then i get out and i'm like thank god i got out i mean i'm like the last guy to get out of edmonton here this is my survivor here and then uh

as I'm on the flight, I paid for the wifi. Cause I'm like, I'm bored. I'm hung over. So I'm on it. And, uh, it goes, your connection in Montreal has been canceled. And I was like, there's no way. And I'm like panicking. I'm like, I'll, I'll find, let me find something. And this is how much I haven't been home. I've been home like six days in the last six weeks. So I'm like, I just want to be home. Of course. And, uh,

There's no flights. I literally am like, maybe I could fly Air Canada to D.C. and take the train back. But that connects in Toronto. So I'm like, there's no – everything's a bitch. So then I'm like, fuck it. I booked a car service for $1,500 from Montreal to New York. That's how badly I wanted to go home. Oh, my God. And I'm talking to my agent. He's like, the festival will cover it. It's fine. Hey, man.

The car service, they canceled. They're like, no one wants to drive to New York right now. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm fucking stuck. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. Montreal, here we go. I book a hotel. I take a car to the hotel. It's one of those things, too. My phone has literally got 2%, and then the Uber shows up, and I'm like, thank God. Get in the car, go to the hotel lobby, and fuck.

I'm texting my agent and he's like, you want to do a pop-up in Montreal? And I'm like, yeah, you know what? If you could find something, I'll do a pop-up show. But I'm in this pretty nice hotel. I'm in the hotel lobby. He's got Black Manhattans on the menu. And I go, Black Manhattan me, dude. And the guy hands me one. Down it. He's like, you want another? I go, fuck yeah, I do. On my third Black Manhattan. What?

My agent texts me, goes, they're doing the gig, a theater, the St. Catherine Theater in Montreal. Uh-huh. By the way, the last time I played the St. Catherine Theater, you know who was hosting the show? Oh.

Bill Cosby? Comedian. Sorry. Comedian Blake Griffin. Oh, wow. The basketball player. I remember that year. Yeah. I was there that year. That was too in stand-up for a minute. Yeah, it was. Can't we call Black Manhattan? Just call it a Harlem and shorten it? I like that. Okay. I really like that. It's quicker. Or at least the Washington Heights or something. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, he says, yeah, they're in. So I'm like, all right.

I'm drunk at the bar. I do an Instagram post like, hey, I'll be here. Fucking sells out. We do the show. One of the most fun shows. Wow. I got a guy opening for me, Harrison Weinreb. I just tweet like, who's a funny Montreal comic? He was like, me. Vote for me, guys. His friends are all like tagging me. I'm like, fuck it, this guy. Wow. So he did a great job. We had a fun show. Amazing.

Turned a bad situation into a fun night. That is incredible. And you got a couple bucks. You're in a nice hotel. A couple black Manhattans. That's killer. People always say, when you got into comedy, when did you know you made it? Or what was the big moment?

I used to go watch comics who, like, Louis would tweet, I'm going to be at the Cellar. It was like 2008. And if you want to come, it'll be at 5 o'clock. I'll pay for everybody's Cokes. And I was like, I'm going. And I remember thinking, if I could ever just tweet and fill up a room, I'll be happy. And that was that. Damn. And that's so cool. Yeah. And you did it and sold it out. Hey, I brought some liquor from Greece. Ooh. It's called Mastika. You checked a bag. I didn't, actually. Duty free. Oh.

Oh, nice. But I did buy some of this there. It's pretty good. Wow. All the ones I bought there, I drank there. Yeah. This is like we had Uzo with Stavi Baby on the pod. Remember the Uzo? Oh, yeah. Well, this is kind of like another digestive type thing they drink there. The Greeks are so healthy. Even their booze has like a purpose. Yeah, good point. So this is like a liqueur? Yeah, it's nice stuff. It's like cedar-ish. It's nice. Anyone else want on this? Anyone? Yeah, get in here, Webby. Yeah, get Web. Get him a glass maybe.

James Webb is here. He's the director of both specials. Both are Netflix specials. There you go. Cheers.

Hey, opa. Yeah, I was in Greece, and nice place. Not too shabby. Never been, never been. It was good. It looked amazing. The video you shot was great about the promo. Got a promo. Yeah, that was great. I mean, you had the like- Can't stop promoing MSG. I need to sell this shit out. The cotton shirt or whatever that was, and the tan, the hair was up. It looked great. Oh, thanks. Beautiful view. Nice. The sunset in Santorini is what it's all about, man. I bet. It looked great. It was good shit.

Yeah, I don't really, it's very hard for me to take time off. Isn't it nice? Same. Yeah. So when you shot that video, it was cool to see you out there. We never take time off, but not only did you take time off, but I got to see it. Really? I got to see the video of it. Yeah, that was cool. I'll send you, I sent you a few pictures. Oh yeah, stunning. I didn't think you'd believe it. No, no. Just the way I didn't believe it when you went on a safari. I thought for your honeymoon you were like, I'm doing four at the cellar, she can come watch. Going to side splitters. Yeah.

It's a beautiful beach out there. A Tampa honeymoon. I did my bachelor party in Tampa. I know. I'm still fucking mad I missed that. It was a wild time. But we had a fun bachelor party here. Oh, yeah. That episode, and then we went out and got wasted in steaks and everything. That was great. That was great. Yeah, it was a great night. I barely remember the end of it. That got ugly. Well, fucking DeRosa comes in here, and he's like, we're doing shots. And I'm like, dude, it's three in the afternoon. We've got a whole night ahead of us.

I think I did a set that night. We both did. Jesus. I remember both of us being wasted. I remember Liz at the cellar that night.

in the back I'm on stage and she keeps going trying to break me because I'm shit faced and of course I'm like trying not to laugh but you're like extra focused when you're drunk you're like I will not break yes exactly but meanwhile you're slurring you think you're driving straight but you're all over the road dude I got so I'm in I went to London before Greece I did a couple nights at a theater there really cool I heard you're going there too they were very excited oh great yeah what are we talking Manchester

Or what town did you go to? I did London. Okay. It was great. Vittorio Angelone opened and was hilarious, very funny. Director Jason Reitman came out the last night. Whoa! Yeah. Very cool. Super cool. They're shooting Ghostbusters. Whoa! They just finished before the stuff. Thank You For Not Smoking. He's got a couple great films. Thank You For Not Smoking is one of my favorites. So underrated. He did Up In The Air.

With Clooney. Yeah. Great movie. Great movie. Boy, it runs in the family. Yeah. The Reitman. Ivan Reitman was a fucking legend. What did he do? He did Ghostbusters. I think he did- Stripes. Did he do Stripes? Yeah. Wow. And he produced Road Trip. He got Todd Phillips started. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

He discovered Todd Phillips. Did he do Coming to America? I think that was maybe Landis. Ah, you're right. It was Landis because Eddie Murphy hated him. Did I ever tell you I met Ivan Reitman? No. His production company wanted to do a thing with me like years ago, so I...

I went to his office a few times and like just talk. He was like trying to develop a show for me. Whoa. And nothing came of it. But I was just like, I'm just hanging out with Ivan. I'm just listening to Ivan Reitman's brain. Unreal. And his idea, it never happened. But it was like, I'm a, he was like, it should be like part podcast, but part TV show. But it's like, you're a PR guy and you try to fix like famous people's problems. And they come in and you're like a scumbag. And it was like, I was like, this is kind of a funny idea. That's funny. Yeah. That's not bad. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah. But nothing came of it.

Oh yeah, classic. Okay, wow. Ivan. Kindergarten cop. Ah, it's not a tumor. Sorry. London was sick. Yeah, London's cool. Oh, I got some peeves. Can I break out a few peeves? Is it too early to break out a peeve? No, it's never too early for a peeve, but I got a couple myself. Do you want to start? Sure. Let me pull this puppy up here. One...

This is comedy related, but I was at a show and everybody's like, you got to see this opener. You got to see this opener. He's great. He's great. I was like, oh, yeah, I can't wait. I'm going to watch him. I didn't know him. So I was like, all right, I'm going to watch this guy. And the guy who keeps telling me to watch him is now standing next to me while the kid is on and he won't stop talking to me.

So this kid's killing, and I'm missing all the punchlines because this guy's like, so when's your flight? Oh, man, this kid, he's great. He's telling me how great the kid is, and I can't watch him. So I was like, you're killing me. It happens a lot. Yeah. It is solved with a, do you mind? I just want to watch. I know, but I can't do that. I know you can't. I need to call you and put you on speaker and tell him. Could you keep it down? It's me on the phone. I go, who the fuck do you think you are?

No, I'm with you, though. It happened to me the other day at the cellar. Someone was telling me to watch someone, and I was like, I'm trying. I'm trying to watch. And he's getting these big laughs. You're like, I wish I could hear that punch. Yeah. That's another thing that's like, just watching comedy is like, sometimes I have to take a break for it because I don't want to be influenced. But, you know, I watched...

I've never really seen Theo do a long set. That was kind of fun. Oh, yeah. And then I watched Colin Quinn the next night at the Cellar. And I'm like, oh, man, this is like they couldn't be more different. But you kind of take you like, oh, yeah, I like that he went. I wouldn't have thought to go this way for that joke. So it's kind of it is kind of cool. It's a great thing about comedy. The styles are also different. You got like Maria Bamford. Then you got, you know, Tom Segura. They could be more different, but it's both funny. But I bet they both like each other. Exactly. That's great.

Yeah, man. That's a good peeve. I wrote down a bunch. I got a couple. We haven't seen each other in a while. Yeah, I got... Ooh, here's one. You ever know someone who they just like, they fall asleep the second their head hits the pillow? Yeah, my wife has that. It makes me crazy. I know. I'm so jealous. Speaking of Cosby. You know? But it makes me so jealous because we can't sleep. Well, yeah. I mean, it's insanely annoying and...

And it's also like they pick a fight with you, and then you're like, oh, yeah, and then you're like, oh, come on. Now I'm awake, and you're just sleeping like a fucking kitten. Right, right. This is infuriating. Doesn't help with the bedroom stuff either, you know, when I'm getting all hot and heavy, and she's going to town, and I'm like, all right, hold on. Let me just wipe my ass real quick, and I come back, and then she's...

snoring well speaking of cosby again i don't think that would have stopped him yeah but she'll pass out if i don't keep the motor running you know it's like a car that dies come on yeah so that's definitely a peeve because it's hard to sleep i know i'm taking a cocktail every night of melatonin and weed and uh whatever the hell is this good it's very good

I'm worried it's too good. It's like candy. I know. Fucking love candy, dude. Candy, right? Oh, yeah. John Candy. All right, I got one. Hit me. This one maybe could be a bit, but this is a strange one. This guy standing next to me pops open a gum, and he goes, you want a piece of gum? I go, I'd love a piece of gum. Gives me the gum. I put it in my pocket.

He didn't like that. What? He was like, well, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm going to save that for later because I'm going to eat right now. And I'll eat it after I eat. I'll chew the gum after I eat. And he's like, you got to eat it now. And I'm like...

what do you care when I eat the gum? And he's like, well, I gave you gum and you're going to save it? And I think he was half joking, but we got into like a thing. I felt like Larry David over here. Was he a gum pervert? He needs to watch? I think he was Jeff Orbits. I don't know. He was furious, but like he kept bringing it up throughout the night. I was like,

I'll eat the gum. That's a peeve right there. The continually bringing up, but not letting the thing go. Exactly, exactly. They're like, remember when he did that? And you're like, yeah, it was 20 minutes ago. That's a weird thing. Weird. He didn't like it. I always have gum on me, too. So I'm always like, if someone's like, do you have gum? I'm like, I got you. Yeah. I like being the gum guy. Everybody loves the gum guy. Everyone loves the gum guy. I got you right here. All right. A little Dentine Fire, baby. I'll save it for later. They should sponsor me. No, you got to have it right now. I'll give it to you.

No, gum people, you need us. We need you guys out there on the front lines. Yeah. Because, you know, when you got the stank breath and you show up,

It's nice. It's like a tooth fairy. It's also like, you know, I feel like smokers. But then if you're a smoker, how do you have gum? How many pockets do you have? Yeah, good point. That becomes an issue. Good point. Smoking is so expensive. I was just. I know. Someone was like $19 a pack here now. What? It's something crazy. Wow. So, yeah, that's. We were out on the river and Big Jay lost his cigarettes. He just went home. He was like, I'm done. I can't do it. We're like, dude, we're in the middle of nowhere in the woods. And he's like, I'm leaving. I got an Uber. Yeah.

He was just eaten by a bear. Yeah. I lost my bodega cat hat thanks to Stavros and I was fine. Oh, he took it? Well, he put it on because he said

So he's scared of the sun. He sent me a picture. I thought he was like, this is so funny. Stav sends a picture in the Bodega Cat. I'm like, oh, he's supporting. He just stole your hat? Just stole the hat. What the hell? The hat's gone. It's floating somewhere. Shark's eating it right now. Oh, come on. I know. I will get another one. Somebody send us a Bodega hat. We have them on the website. Oh, we do? You can just get them. I don't want to buy one. No, I mean, they're not going to charge you. It's our shit. Oh, all right. Stavro should buy it, that fucking Greek bastard.

Right, but. We'll post, we'll get revenge and we'll post a picture of me in the hat on Bodega Cat and pretend he's a sponsor. There you go. We'll throw it on the IG. I've got the picture on my phone. Yeah, if he reshares it, he's got a big following. Yeah. No, we'll send him. He's got, you know, here's a peeve. I gave him the bottle, what, like when it came out a year ago or something. I go to his house recently, unopened. Oh.

That's worse than the gum. Break your sobriety, Stav. Yeah. Come on. You're wasting it. Can I have it then? No, we have a ton. Okay, okay. You don't have to pay for your own liquor, by the way. Oh, really? No. All right. I knew we started this for a reason. You fucking... All right. Okay, I did gum. What do you got? Okay, what do I got? Peeves...

Oh, God. Like, just fucking idiots is my peeve. I'm in Greece. I'm at, like, a little cute Greek lunch spot. Oh, I love it. Love it, dude. Ate octopus, like, every meal. It's the best. Greeks... You know what's great about Greek food? It's pretty damn healthy. Yeah. And it's delicious. I know. Fresh. So, eat an octopus, and this woman comes in, and it was, like, just...

It's just her and us in the story. And she's one of those people I hated the second she came in. She was loud. She was obnoxious. One of those people that like, it's just us and them in there. And she's making sure I can hear everything she's saying. So she's loud. And at one point, she looks at the menu for 10 minutes. And I just overhear go to the waiter. Can I just get like a muffin? Yeah.

You scanned an entire Greek menu full of octopus and tomatoes, fresh baklava, and you came back with muffin? I love this New Yorker. You can't look at a menu for six minutes in a New York. You'll get trampled. You'll get tased. You got this New York guy in there, this New York comedian, who's probably nursing a hangover, and then old yappy Kathy coming in and gets a muffin. Well, she didn't get one. They don't have muffins. That's not a Greek treat.

Good point. The waiter's not like, oh yeah, sure, we'll whip you up a fucking muffin. So she was American. Yeah, of course. She can't win a muffin. You don't get to just decide what you want if it's not on the menu. Yeah. I really wanted to be like, you're really not attractive enough to be this stupid. Right.

You're not. You got a real coos magnet coming your way. I do. I feel like they're always around you. They're always around me. And I have a short, ugh. And I also like, and she caught me in a good mood too because I'd been hiking. So I'm like my, you know, I'd been sweating stuff out. I felt good. Pheromones. And I was still furious. Damn. Yeah. I hope they threw her out of there. No, they served her like, she got like whatever, like she had the most basic thing on the menu. She got whatever. She probably got like a fucking cheeseburger or something. Right, right.

Those little delis, I went to one in the Amalfi Coast. And me and the lady went in. She was like, I'll just take a salami sandwich, whatever it is. The guy took a half hour to make, and he went in the back, pulled out the bread. You saw everything he was using. He had deli meat hanging, you know. And I was like, what are we doing? It's a half hour for a fucking sandwich. It was the best sandwich I've ever had in my life. I know. It was incredible. You're getting so angry, and then you eat. That's a peeve, though. European timing. Oh.

Oh, my God. Every meal is three hours. That's why they live to their 108, because they're waiting on a meal. They're just sitting there waiting. Those people live forever. It is literally every meal. They're just like, you forgot about me. They're like, no, this is how we do it. That's how they do it. I went to France once, and we go, dinner was great. We'll take the check.

It takes like 20 minutes to make the check. I was like, are they cooking the check? Are you going to the fucking Czech Republic to get the check? Yeah. And so I started ordering the check with the appetizer. So I'd be like, here's the app. We'll get this as an entree and we'll get the check. And they were like, whoa, what are you, crazy? And I'm like, we got a show to make. It's crazy. I just don't want to be at dinner for three hours. No. I got to pee for you. The first fucking...

You go and I'll bring it back. All right, all right. This is maybe why France is rioting. All right.

This is a wife thing. Maybe if they had shorter dinners, they'd have longer work weeks. They'd get something done in that fucking country. That's true. You got that right, Macron. Whatever his name is. But somebody just drove a car through one of the departments. It's getting crazy out there. Dude, the heat in Europe right now is... Oh, really? Oh, my God. They're shutting shit down. Oh, wow. People are going on vacation. They're like, you can't walk around. Damn. I went to the Parthenon in...

And they were like, it's pretty – I recommend not going during the day because it's hot as hell. But we just went and it was fine. I mean it was hot, but we just drank water. But now they're like, you can't go.

It's too high. Like there's certain hours it's shut down. You can't. That is scary. Yeah, it's hot. We've been hearing about climate change and then when it starts actually affecting your life, you're like, this is bad. Yeah. You know? So it's all going downhill. It's not good. We had the hottest day on record like two days ago. And then the day after that was the next hottest day on record. It's bad. Yeah. Extreme heat. There you go. Fires rage. Yeah, the fires are going to go up too. Yikes.

Bad times, folks. A lot of stuff to worry about. I know. How about places without AC now? I mean, how do you even live with that? Yeah, that's true. When I grew up, a lot of places just had ceiling fans in New Orleans. I feel like it didn't used to be that bad, though. I mean, it was hot, but like... Yeah, maybe. That's true. No one's getting a heat stroke. I mean, people are getting heat stroke now. Now they are, yeah. But last peeve, and we'll move on. Or unless you got more. I might have more. Bring them on.

Looking at... Me and the lady are working on a new house in Brooklyn. And we're, you know, hey, how about these cabinets? It's a nightmare. But we're looking at rugs. And now, this is maybe a lady thing, but she goes, okay, here's five rugs. Which one do you like the best?

And I'm like, that one. That's a pretty rug. And she goes, okay, that one. I go, that one. Boom, moving on. I turn the TV back on. And she goes, wait, hold on. She turns the TV off. She's like, that one's a little bright. And I'm like...

I like that one. And she's like, you don't think it's too bright? I'm like, you asked me which one I like. I told you. That's it. That's the case closed. Final answer. Yeah, that would annoy me. Yeah. Also, we're going to do a lap every time. There's only one rug we care about. It's between your legs, ladies. I'll tell you. We're going to hardwood. I don't give a shit. Decorating stuff is not for the guys. I mean, look, most men do not.

It's like the wedding. With the wedding planning, I was like, whatever you want, I'll pay for it. You pick it. You want to get a blackface minstrel show? I'm like, whatever. Let's just move it along. Let's just keep it moving. You got a blackface rug? You're like, wow, this is going to be weird when I have certain people over. Just rub my feet on Al Jolson. But yeah, so I just hate the, which one do you like? I pick it, and she's like, really? That one? It's a little bright. I'm like, that's what I picked. Well, you know what? I think...

they are, they second guess stuff. They have like more of an aesthetic, you know, personality. Yeah. Maybe that's not even the right wording of it, but you know what I mean? Like they, they, to them, that's important. And to guys, we just don't give a shit, but they, it's your, you're moving into a place. They want to be a part of it. Sure. But the shit you care about, like for me, I'm like, where are we going to put the TV? Of course. Of course. Are we going to, we're going to, we're going to mount that. We can mount it there to me. Like I like guy shit. Like,

Oh, I want like an electronic leather. Like you've been to my couch that like- Great couch. That reclining leather. Yes. To me, that's badass. I like like- Great couch. I like like a cool marble table. I like like guy stuff. I want like a wine fridge, you know, built into the counter. I want all that. So I want a cool shower with steam stuff going. Dude, are you going to get a steam? I'm getting a steam shower. Oh! Yeah!

I'm so jealous. I can't wait to go up to her. What steam shower do you like? And she's going to go, that's a little steamy. What do you think? I just keep second guessing. No, the problem is she'll like that. She'll be like, it is a little steamy. I know, you're right. A steamer is so luxurious. That is badass. Yeah. You're going to feel good. I can't wait. It's good for hangovers. Gets the pores opening up. I'm excited.

They say it's good for your health. Yeah, there was a baseball player, Miguel Cabrera, and I heard, I don't know if it's true, but I heard that in his rider, every hotel room he stayed in had to have...

A steamer. Because he was a drunk. He's also a Hall of Famer, which is incredible. He's like a Hall of Fame. I mean, you guys know Miguel Cabrera. Of course. I don't know if that's on the internet, if that's fact checkable. And it's like when you're that great and rich, I'm sure they're like, we can find you a steamer. These guys are dangerous because they give me hope. I'm like, I don't have to quit drinking. Cabrera's a home run hitter and he's a fucking crazy alcoholic. Same with Burt.

Yeah. Now, Bert's going strong. Yeah. Yeah. We drink all day. We were walking from a bus to a shower, and he was like, you know, I can drink all day now and then take a nap, and I'm fine. And I'm like, that's not good. You should be not able to do that. That's how bad of an alcoholic you are. He's chugging eight beers at lunch.

And he takes like a cat nap and he's fine and he's bragging about it. And I'm like, this is bad. This is bad. There's another word for a cat nap when you drink that much. It's called passing out. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a good thing. It's like someone going, you know, I don't eat a lot of sweets. I don't feel my foot. There's no pain. Like, no, but you're going to chop it off. That's you dying slowly. That's bad.

But you want to be supportive, so you're like, hey, rock on, brother, or whatever. Here's another beer. So, yeah. But we had a great time. He keeps it all together. It's very impressive. He chugs a beer before he says anything. The crowd goes apeshit. Oh, it's incredible. It's Led Zeppelin shit. It is amazing. Fully loaded. If you get a chance. I mean, it's just an event. There's the beach ball going. People get there early with the lawn chairs and the music. It's crazy. It is amazing.

Did you do a few dates? I did. I did. I was supposed to do the cruise, but I was like, I can't. Oh, yeah. We were demanding an answer like the day of, and I was like, I can't. The cruise will be interesting. You're doing it? I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

But they keep adding fun people like Patton's Sean Patton's going there. Are you garbage guys are going Norton's going. So it'll be a fun group. Norton, if there's too much drinking, you can hang with Norton. That's true. Because he's sober. He is dead sober, but he's going to be eyeballing that hooker list. He's like, what kind of massages are these? Oh, there you go. Shang Wang. I love.

Yeah, it was great. Pete Lee's a good egg. Yeah, it was going to be great. Oh, I got top billing here next to the big cum. Yeah, Whitney Cummins and Mark Norm. Wow. I was pumped to go with you, but they were demanding a fucking answer. No, I hate that. It's so far away. His reps were demanding an answer literally over a year out from when it was happening. Totally. And I was...

This isn't a proud thing to say. I was vomiting in the toilet because it was when my other podcast wrapped. It was Julian Edelman and I wrapped. We got wasted as like a celebration. I'm puking in the toilet and they're like, they need an answer right now. And I'm like...

Well, this is, it's like the biggest drinking party. Yeah. And I'm puking. So I'm like, no. When you're puking, you don't want to go on the high seas. Yeah. You know, that doesn't add up. You just eat in all, you eat buffet. I don't want to fucking go, you know. Totally. You guys get where I was going. I couldn't really get that one out. I get it. I get it. What other peeves do we have? Also, when you're hungover, you think about being on a boat with Whitney. That's a lot. Well, I don't think she was there. I don't think it was. I think originally it was you, me, and Shane. Oh.

Oh, wow. I think that's what it was originally. That would have sank. Oh, you ever venting to someone and they take the side of the other thing? Oh, that's great. I'm complaining to my mom about the flights. I'm like, these fucking airlines. She's like, well, they're having a hard time. I'm like, you're siding with United? That's great. I'm your son.

What the hell is wrong with you? She's like, I'm a member. I got platinum. I got to go with them. That's a peeve. That's a great peeve. So true. And that could go with anything. You're like, man, they bombed the towers and they ran into the towers and they're like, well, they're in the way. They've been up there a long time. The towers had a good run, Sam.

Yeah, you know, I got another peeve is, and look, we're all guilty of this shit. We all do it because, you know, social media and all that shit. But like people who aggressively send you videos, and that's fine. But then the following up. I'm going to cut it. It's a little sweet. The following up of, did you watch it yet? Oh, that's bad. Did you watch it yet? Now you got homework. Exactly. Yeah. I'm literally like, oh, sorry, I didn't get to that yet. I'm at Mount Sinai with my grandma. But yeah.

What is it? Oh, it's a guy dancing with Down syndrome. Yeah, I'm glad I watched that and said goodbye. That was really nice. I still think you got to watch it. Yeah, that's a great... That's a good one. The check-in guy. The check-in and the homework. But that being said, I did send Matt some good videos for this week. Can you get some of them cooking? All right. Some of these...

Look I get sent a lot of these and that's I have friends like this who sent me Oh, this is a good. Have you seen this one mug James has seen this one. I know I sent this one to James get the sound on oh Man, so we have a dwarf. Yeah Wow This kid's great

Oh, good for him. It's so simple. All you have to do is add the Super Mario music and you've got a hit. That's a hit. And anybody gets this. You can take this to China, to the Middle East, to Africa, to Mexico. It's gold and it's universal. Everybody knows Mario. And he's so pleased with himself afterwards, the smile to the camera is great. Oh.

It's a feel-good video. It is a feel-good video. Everybody wins, including this guy. He's going to get laid off of this thing. He better. Good for him. What else we got? Wow. Where do you find these? Oh, this is a cringe video. This is people. Have you ever heard of these? These are people trying to be sexy, and they post it thinking they're being sexy, but it's always horrific. Okay. I think this should be a trend on the show as we watch. Yeah. Send these in, folks, because these are all over the world. Cringe videos are killer. Being shared. Send this in.

Wow. Wow. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's rough. So he's trying to be hot. Yeah, I mean, can you imagine that's your dad?

You're like, my dad's on Instagram. You're like, yeah, mine is too. And they're like, no, it gets worse. He's really on it. We need Jonah Hill to text this guy, hey, you got to stop. We have boundaries. Holy shit. Isn't that crazy? Crazy. You know what he's doing there, though, don't you? He's showing the lady how he's going to eat her out. For sure. Yeah. Not a bad technique. Let's see. Let's see it again. Got a wide tongue.

Yeah. No, he's got, you know, it's not one motion, which is good. Yeah. He's better than me. I'm just painting the fence down there. Yeah, but the problem is after he's licking it, you're with him. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. That is the problem. That's true. Wow, we've got to get the writer's strike ending. Holy shit. Yeah, I love that Ted Sarandos is like, we'll be okay, and this is what we're watching. I'm like, I don't know, dude. That's a good point. We might be in trouble. That's a great point, yeah. The internet wins every time. What else do we have? Anything else? Wendy Williams. Oh, this is killer. Have you not seen this? No. I literally found this for you. You know I love LD. Larry David and Wendy Williams.

A few years ago, I was at the 92nd Street Y here in New York, in Manhattan. And Larry David was there and I was there with some other people and Larry and I had a conversation and all of a sudden, I started to feel my panties drop. They did it. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, did LG just bang Wendy Williams? Yeah.

I'm confused. I love that she's like, I wanted to fuck Larry David and her entire studio audience is like... He's got something. Oh, yeah. I met him in person and he's got a swagger to him. He's old and bald and got glasses, but he's got something. Yeah, being one of the funniest, richest people in the country, that will give you a swag, I think. Yeah, well, Salakius made a great point. We were having dinner last night and he goes, you know, Larry David invented two of the biggest shows ever...

Where he's the same guy. Like, he just did Seinfeld with George Costanza, which is based on Larry David, and then he just did Curb, which is Larry David. But he got a second life out of it because he only played one of them. Exactly. But yeah, you're right. Pretty brilliant. It's like, I love every character in Seinfeld, but there's something about George. Something about George. He's great. And so great that he couldn't progress. Like, he's got the curse.

It's such a good... I guess Kramer had more of a curse. You know what I mean. If only he cursed. That's true. That was rough. That was kind of a moving Comedians in Cars, though, with Michael Richards. It was kind of... Great ep. Great ep. It was kind of a movie. Although it is crazy that... Remember when Godfrey came on here? Yeah. And he was saying that Michael Richards would just have those racist meltdowns like other times. Oh, that's right. He said that wasn't like a one-time...

Ooh. Yeah. He just got caught with that grainy cell phone footage. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when he went on Letterman with Seinfeld? They zoomed him in. Oh, my God. I would never do that for one of my friends. No. Can we pull that up? If one of my friends just goes on a racist tirade, I'm like, you're going on Leno alone. Ha, ha, ha.

Don't drag me into this shit. Yeah, well, I think this is kind of, it was so new then. No, I know. This is so crazy. I remember, I think it was in college. I remember seeing, it was like on a shitty smartphone. Yeah. At the Laugh Factory. Flip phone camera. But also, Sam was the king of the world back then. So I think he thought, he's like, I can fix this. Well, I guess there was an interest because you're like, this is fucking your streaming money. Oh, I didn't think about that.

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do my act and I got heckled and I took it badly and went into a rage and said some pretty nasty things to some Afro-Americans. This would be a great time to be like, I talked to my friend Bob Saccomano and he... Giddy up. And what were the... You were actually being heckled or were they just talking and disturbing the act? That was going on too. Huh?

You can't do this on a show like Letterman. You have to do it on like a Charlie Rose. I'm pretty sure that this is where I should be addressing the situation. I've already heard you make some jokes about it, and that's okay. But I'm really busted up over this, and I'm very, very sorry to those people in the audience.

the blacks, the Hispanics, whites, everyone that was there that took the brunt of that anger and hate and rage and how it came through. And I'm concerned about more hate and more rage and more anger coming through, not just towards me, but towards a black-white conflict in

There's a great deal of disturbance in this country and how blacks feel about what happened in Katrina. And you know, many of the comics, many performers are in Las Vegas and New Orleans trying to raise money for what happened there. That's right. That's the thing about comedy, guys. For this to happen, for me to be in a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, you know, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Nice mood lamp in the back, by the way. I know. I don't know about that. The Bohemian Rhapsody cover here. It's a weird lighting. Force field of this hostility. He looks like he's about to go painting with Bob Ross here. What the hell is going on? Exactly. Got a PBS feel. Why the trash takes place, whether or not it's between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between...

this country and another nation. Michael, let me interrupt here for a second and ask a question about had the people doing the heckling or the people who were not paying attention, had they been white or Caucasian or any other race, what would have been the nature of your response then? It may have happened. You know, I'm a performer. I push the envelope. I work in a very uncontrolled manner on stage. I do a lot of free association and spontaneous. I go into character. I don't know...

No one wants to hear Kramer say I'm edgy. I don't know. The rage did go all over the place. You know, when he said were they white, he should have been like, well, that depends. Were they Jewish? I mean, I don't know. It depends what kind of white we're dealing with. Is he Jewish? No, I don't think so. I thought he was. Is he? I don't think he is. Okay.

Man, that is tough. Very awkward. I remember being like, that was like a thing that made, as a comedy fan, made me sad. Oh, yeah. Because I love Kramer. I mean, he's a super talent, Michael Richards, and we've all laughed at him for nine, ten years. I still watch and I laugh. Of course. I can separate it. You know, it's Jewish or not. I don't know why we need a full article. This is a real deep dive. It's a yes or no.

Which makes him technically not being born by blood as Jewish and not formally going into a conversion. It is amazing the laughs he would squeeze out of shit in Seinfeld where it would be you like think about what was on the page and what he did with it. Yeah, he's brilliant. It's incredible. He's incredible. He's a talent. It's sad that he fucked up and now we don't get his talent anymore.

You think he'll ever do a real part again? He should do an internet show or something. OJ's out there. OJ's golfing on Instagram. Hi, Twitter world. That's a good point. But every comment is just a knife if you watch it. It's pretty wild. I was going to say, the OJ, it's not a good look, but he is out there. He's out there. He's loving every bit of it. Colin Quinn's got a great bit about that. We don't know how we're perceived on the internet.

OJ's just like on there talking about golf. Yeah, yeah. Well, back to Larry David. He put him on Curb and they addressed it in a comedic way. And it was great. And it was great. That was a great. JB Smoove.

So, yeah, I mean, that's how you get past a lot. But yeah, I mean, this was like maybe was this the first cancellation of our lifetime? It was big. It was one of the early ones because they had the cell phone footage. That was when the cell phone camera was new. And then Tosh was right after this. But this was so much bigger than this. I mean, this was like a gotcha moment. You're right. The cell phone was new. And that is the gotcha device. That's it. That's why we got to bag them up.

Yeah. At the clubs. It's just weird to see it like a kooky sitcom star. Like if you saw Brad Garrett call someone like a dirty Arab, you'd be uncomfortable too. You're just like used to silliness. You're not used to, you know. Right, right. And he could have leaned into it. He could have been like, all right, I'm the edgy guy now, you know. I don't know if that would have worked. No, that would have worked. He's on tour in a leather jacket and a cigarette. He's like, ooh. He's at the Capitol ride. Sliding in. Yeah.

Oh, man. Poor bastard. But he's got money for life, I assume. I was going to ask that. I wonder, because everyone says residuals have really taken such a hit. I wonder how big a hit you take on a guy like that. I'm sure the payout when Seinfeld goes to Netflix or Hulu, I would assume for a star that big, they get something, but I don't know. You would assume. I know Jerry and Larry probably get a ton as creators. And they're also set...

yeah many times over jerry on top of him the would be set just from stand-up yeah and then you got larry's got curb as well i mean but then for guys like you know michael richards or jason alexander this was like their big thing oh yeah but i would think you've got to think they're still insanely rich yeah and hats off to julie louis dreyfus for breaking the curse she had that

Evelyn, what was that show? New Adventures of Old Christine. She had that show. Never saw it, but she got an Emmy for it. She got an Emmy and it was on for like six years or whatever. Something substantial. And then she did Veep.

And it's just in movies. Veep is insane. Veep is great. It's insanely good. Talk about needing writers. That is a well, I mean, it's a joke a second. I've said it before, I'll say it again, with these executives who are like, these writers are replaceable. It's like, well, you're more replaceable than writers to me. Because if we're talking about an algorithm that's just like yes or no. Good point. And you're getting 56 million a year. Right. And they're making what? 150, 200 grand? Yeah.

to actually write and put words in. What's a harder job for a robot? The robot really just has to say yes or no. Exactly. The algorithm on TikTok that just feeds me, that's not a man. Right, right. That's a robot. Just get that robot and get rid of these motherfuckers. Robot execs, that's good. But you know, it is weird, like the...

It's the let them go broke. It's like very let them eat cake. It's very gross. It's gross and it's weird. I can't believe he said that out loud. Yeah. You know, and the actors are involved now. I think that'll help.

But yeah, it's tough sledding. I don't know, man. It's like so ugly now that you're like, who knows? Although, you know, look, people make up, but it's fucking... Well, that's why the internet is winning. The internet is number one. You know, everybody's starting their own shit, podcasts, specials. It's probably all going to go that way eventually. I mean, who watches The Tonight Show? No offense to those guys. You know, we've all done it.

But, like, is anyone, like, I got to tune in. But there's a lot of, like, power behind it, and you're still saying that. There's a lot of, like, pushing. A lot of people are pushing that. But you're right. I mean, like, a lot of these companies failed to adapt. Yes. And now they're just...

I mean, look at Viacom. Look at their failure to adapt for years. And now it's like sign up for Paramount Plus. I'm like, I've got a drinking problem. That's the only reason I signed up for it. I wanted to watch Bar Rescue one night and I was like, fine. I forgot to cancel the trial. That's the only reason I have your dumb thing. Yeah. You're not going to get enough people that way. Forgetting to cancel is really the only reason I have most things. I know. You want to do a trial? I'm like, all right, I'll do a trial. And then they know I'm not going to cancel it. You're just looking at it like, what the fuck is Tubi?

Yeah, I have Tubi. I know. Exactly. Peacock, Tubi. That's the way social media is going now. It used to just be Facebook. That was, I guess, like cable. Now you're like, Threads is like Peacock. What is Threads? I keep hearing about it. You don't know what it is? I don't know what it is. It's like Zuckerberg's response to...

Okay. I guess he and Elon Musk were like, we want to fight. And he's like, well, now I made another Twitter. Yeah, yeah. So there you go. But is anyone doing it? Are you doing it? I downloaded it. I'm not super active on it. Yeah, yeah. But it's like the exact same thing as Twitter. But he's like, we're going to make this a nice place. I'm like, all right, you steal people's data. You're not a good guy. We have to pretend that we're like, look, he's denied.

I'm like, you're not a good person. I'm like, well, you didn't create Twitter. You know? Yeah. You just bought it. You bought it for $40 billion or whatever. Yeah, $44, I think. Something crazy. And then it's...

And that's my point. Now it's decrease in value, but there's also so many things. And Zuckerberg, it's so funny that all these guys are just like billionaires, but they're just like, now they're just like, I'll be a good fighter. Yeah, yeah. Like Bezos is ripped. Elon Musk is like, I'll fucking fight you. I'm like, the point of having that much money is not fighting. Yes. You just chill. Look at Richard Branson. He's fucking hopefully of age women on a mile, on an island somewhere. Yeah. He just went to the moon like a week ago. He's got a good life.

Yeah. Well, do you think that social media will go away? Ever? No. Oh, really? We're in too deep. It seems to be pretty toxic. Like it seems like it's killing like young girls are killing themselves at a higher rate and everybody's got depression and anxiety. Well, that's the evil is like Facebook or, you know, whatever. Instagram would like run these studies to see if it was healthy for young people, for their self-esteem. And it was having a negative impact.

And all the results are like, this is so bad for young women. And they're like, okay. They don't change anything. They just do the studies. They're just like, well, it's good to know. But we'll continue doing everything the exact way we're doing it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, even the AI guy, the guy who invented it was like, this is bad.

And you're like, you made it. Oh, my God. And there's a zillionaire off of it. There's all these articles now saying like AI is like the only hopeful thing I've heard is like, well, you know, people are like the Internet. They were pessimistic about that. And maybe the AI can be used as like a tool that will get us to, you know, focus.

things more quickly but I dude everything I read about it from people way way way smarter than me we're fucked that's what I hear too it's not good but I think maybe we'll be cool and niche because we're like

human. You know, I think people are going to want to go see a human. Cut to Robot Norman charging half of Mark's ticket sites and Mark's like, I'm finished. They got me. I'm really fucked because I'm already robotic. So it's not that hard to replicate me. The robot's like, ah, and you're like, fuck, that's what I do. Ah,

Every day I get 800 guys going, hey, I did a chat GBT with your joke and your style. And I'm like, that's pretty good. I know. It's not bad. No, it's. Can I use that? It's definitely scary. You know, I hear what the executive is saying. Like, what's to stop these writers from using chat GBT?

And it's like, all right, but you still, I think you, I think you do need writers. Of course. But, uh. You know, cause they say AI just absorbs everybody's writing. Exactly. They absorb Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, but they didn't think of Star Wars. It's like a collage of plagiarism. There you go. Yeah. Good way to put it. But I think of, uh.

you know i all these people there was a david brooks thing in the in the new york times and he was just like this i forgot the guy's name you probably look it up who he was like this is the guy who's like ai will never uh be able to make analogies the way humans can that's the one thing there's certain things and then that guy this week was like they figured it out that was his whole thing and he was like and he sounds so depressed because he's like my he's like that was like a part of intelligence that only humans could really do very human and now he's saying like uh

Nah, we... He's like, my whole life's work is fucked. Oh, man. That's like everything my life was, you know... Well, they won't go offensive, so I got that. That's something. They might. I've tried. Never? I'm like, say some Asian stuff, you know, and just a picture of Shane Gillis came up. But, uh...

They won't do it. What do they say? I don't do that? They say that is inappropriate. Yeah, see, I'm sorry, but I cannot comply with that request. So I was a little hopeful because I'm like, all right, I'll just do it, the Asian joke. It's like my girlfriend when I asked for anal. I can't comply. I can't comply, no. I asked my girl and she just went. Cosby. Yeah. Yeah.

See, it won't do it. So that's something. You can't get a George Carlin or a Richard Pryor or a Lenny Bruce. Also, people, I think, I would hope, they like to watch your arc and your rise and your ups and your downs, and that's human, and that...

Chad GBT AI doesn't have that. You want to get behind a thing. I mean, that's like as a sports fan, I get behind players and their different chapters. Yes. Oh, he's young here. He had to learn this move. He lost his athleticism. He had to develop a post game. Totally. Shit like that is exciting and different teams and the drama. And I think hopefully –

Hopefully this doesn't happen too soon. Hopefully we have a few, you know... We got a little time. We can't go outside, but we can do this. But when you walk out on stage, you can feel them go, ooh! Like, we've all seen the cellar where Chris Rock walks on. Like, they go, Chris Rock! And then when he shows up, they're like, oh!

The second pop. They feel like you're fucking with them for a sec. Exactly. So that second pop is all we have. You know, so like when you show up on stage, they go, hey, there he is. And you can't replace that with AI. You can't replace the there he is.

So I think that's something. You go see a band and you're like, whoa, they're sweating up there. That's part of the fun. They can figure out perspiration. Yeah, that's true. Sweaty robots, they'll get on that. I think porn will be fucked. Porn stars are going to go. Because of sex robots? Yeah, because I think you can just shoot way more, way easier. They don't have feelings. They don't have chafing. It's just boom, boom, boom. You can knock it all out. They'll be cheaper.

You don't have to test them. None of that. So like porn will go because you don't need. No one's like, that's my guy in porn. Are they? I think people have their people. Yeah, I guess you're right. Deep fake porn. Oh, deep fake is really scary. Say bye to Kyle Dunnigan. That's his whole thing. And he's great at it. But it's scary because it keeps getting better so quick.

Yeah, it is scary. Do you have any wrecks or bits? Do you have porn AI? See, look, it looks off. Look at that Asian lady. It's all... Yeah, that's no good. I can tell that's fake. That's not bad, actually. Is that fake? Those are fake women? Is that fake?

They look very young, dude. They look very, very young. Well, Asian don't raise them. Those are fake? No, those are fake. That's obvious. Is that Zarnagarg? What the hell is going on? It's a weird choice. Jeez. Yeah, porn's fucked.

Oh, you're distracting me here. But like, oh, see, that lady looks horrible. This pod is going to have a good two-minute break of Marcus being like, oh, those tits are okay. No, those aren't good. Those work, yeah. Well, you used to have the guy, because you always have the real tits guy. He's like, I only like real tits, man. I hate fake tits. And you're like, all right, well, then AI's out for you. Yeah, it is. You know what's weird, too, is...

When I was in Edmonton, that hotel, there was some big wedding that night. And these two women in the elevator, both of them had the biggest tits I've ever seen. It's silly. So big. And they were skinny. They looked like porn stars. They were skinny with giant tits. And one of them had clearly work done on her face. And they were young. I'm kind of like, why did you have work done? I bet you're prettier than this. I know. But the tits are so big that you're just like...

I mean, both of you have, like, it's just weird to have friendships. Like, we should get our tits done. Of course. Like, we're just friends. We should get our tits done together. Yeah. You know, but. That is great. It's like a tattoo. But they're, like, so big. And I was the self when I told my dad. He's like, well, how could you tell they were fake? I'm like, because they look perfect. What do you mean? How could I tell they were, because they looked awesome. Yeah, they're up here.

They're up here. They rock hard. They look awesome, but then you're kind of like, but that's like, that is weird to touch or to, you know. Sure, sure. You've been with a fake boob lady. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're different. It's different. Yeah, I mean, like the rocking on top is not as exciting. Yeah. It doesn't move as much. And me and my gal are on the couch, and I'm just hitting them like during a movie. Like, I just like to move them. It's fun to play with boobs. They're the best. Yeah, tits are great. We have them on the table, for Christ's sake. I love tits. Tits. By the way, these are from...

Is it true these are from Trey Parker's wife? Boogie Parker. What's her name? Boogie, right? Boogie? Oh, Boogie. Can we get the South Park guys on here? Oh, they're busy, but it'd be great. I'm so mad that I was just in Denver and Casa Bonita isn't open yet. Oh. We wanted to go to Casa Bonita so badly. See, that's another thing about success is doing shit like that. That's what I want to do.

Open up your favorite restaurant with a water slide in it and all that stuff. They put 40 mil into it. Oh, I didn't know it was that much. Dude, do you got any bits or wrecks or anything? I got bits. I'm trying to think if I have any wrecks. Have you seen Sound of Freedom? No, I'm just kidding. That's that new pedophile movie. It's like number one on the box office. I'm glad I don't know what it is. It's blowing up because it's like a sex trafficking movie. Oh, wow. What's it on?

I think it's in theaters. It's in theaters? It's in theaters. You know what the saddest sound ever is? One for Sound of Freedom, please. Yeah. It's killing it. Jim Cazell, whatever his name is. Caviezel. Caviezel. It's a true story, too. Oh, wow. Oh, Bill Camp. I interviewed him back in the day. Oh, really? When I had a sports show. He's a great actor. He was the instructor on Queen's Gambit, the chess instructor. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's a great actor. Mira Sorvino's back too, baby. Oh, yeah. I love Sorvino. But yeah, so it's blowing up. It's number one in the box office. Is it a good movie? I heard it's terrible. But at 96%, it's got...

This is like a movie for this time. This is like, we're so divided as a country that the only thing we can come together on is like, pedos are still bad, right? Right, right. We can't agree if Margot Robbie's attractive. 100%. Yeah. Crazy. That's the new thing, that like the country's so divided that people are like, Margot Robbie, I'm not sold. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Well, this is kind of like the new Top Gun. Like, this is saving cinema, blah, blah, blah. Well, hopefully Oppenheimer saves cinema. Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait for that. Isn't it funny? We got Oppenheimer for the guys and Barbie for the ladies. Yeah. It's like we have our split. I feel like ladies want to see Oppenheimer too though. Oh, I brought it up to my gal. She fell asleep. Really? Yeah, she doesn't care about Oppenheimer. I was like, well, Oppenheimer, it's a true story. It's amazing. It's Christopher Nolan. Yeah, come on. She doesn't care. Oppenheimer. She doesn't like those, you know, those big, like big dramas like that. Yeah. She wants some true crime or some 90 Day Fiance. Yeah. But.

But I can't wait for this. 90 Day Fiancé, oof. Oof. Makes you dumber. If I'm going to watch bad reality TV, how about an occasional Bar Rescue? I love Bar Rescue. 90 Day Fiancé, I tried. It just makes me sad because someone's just getting fucked. Exactly. It's horrible. The only good thing about 90 Day Fiancé is it gives you hope for America. Because there's some guy out in the middle of Nairobi and he's like, I cannot wait to move to Destin, Florida. Holy shit, I'm going to get a condo. I'll fuck.

this pig just to get a sweet taste of that sea air oh i'm gonna go to tom thumb and 7-eleven and walmart it's gonna be great they give it all up for tallahassee yeah exactly exactly so you're like oh maybe america's not so bad yeah we're all right we're doing all right do it all right good teacher really seemed to care sound of freedom sound of freedom yeah i wonder barbie will tank

No. You think it'll do well? I think it's going to do well. Okay. I would hope they both do well just for movies, man. We got to keep these theaters open, folks. Three hours, though. Why do they do that with the three hour? I feel like that hurts them. Yeah, I mean, I'm fine with it, but can we get a bathroom break? I don't want to miss the movie and you want me to... Three fucking hours? Oh, yeah. You got the bladder of a small Taiwanese boy. Oh, it's terrible. Young boy. Is that a word? Taiwanese? Yeah. Okay, okay. Just checking. Yeah. Yeah.

I learned to hold the urine early as a bed wetter. Really? I had to do a lot of hold. My bladder's giant. You got a big bladder? I can, we did a, you ever do Edward 40 hands? Yeah. I never pissed. I would always make it. Yeah. Do you do it like just for fun or competition?

Well, now I do it just out of convenience. Like, oh, I'm driving cross country. I can make it to fucking Utah before I have to pee. Really? No, I'm joking. But I can go far. I can't. I have a shit bladder. I just go. I just, I'm like, I can pee. Why would I not pee? Well, my dad was so annoyed with me wetting the bed so much that he made a rule that I wasn't allowed to have liquid after six. Wow. So I kind of just learned to stretch it over time.

Respect. Can I try a bit on you? Oh, all right. I thought you were going to say go to the bathroom. No. All right. Yeah, hit me and then I'll... You're making me feel bad. I'm not going to go anymore. No, I don't care. What do we get? I like when you go because then it makes me remember my skills. You got the skills, brother. What do we have? Jokes. Oh, uh...

I have a lot of ideas that are loose, buddy. Me too. It's all loose. All the ones I was working on, I got to work or dropped them. Same. What do you got? So I got some real shit here. You want to try some shit? Let's try some shit. Let's fucking run some poop. So I'm thinking about... It's weird how like...

This is going to get dark. But America, obviously we had slaves, but a lot of countries had slaves. But I feel like they don't talk about it as much. And we talk about how bad slavery is, but from horrible things can come a great thing. We got the pyramids from slavery. Yeah. So like, yeah, slavery is bad, but we got the pyramids. Yeah. It's kind of like abusive fathers. Sure, they're horrible, but we get porn stars and comedians. That's all I have. Yeah.

Well, there's a great, it's funny, there's a great scene. Pull up the exact quote from The Third Man where he says, it's just a cuckoo clock quote from The Third Man. Because yours is like the comedic version of this. That's why I like it. Just pull up the quote. I'm sure you can find the quote, right? Is that Orson Welles? Yeah. Oh, boy. It's good shit. You get it? No, that's not it. The cuckoo clock one. Cuckoo clock quote. Let's see what else I got here.

And that will work on the joke, but I just want to pull that up for me. All right. While you're looking, the gist of it is... Oh, yeah. Wait, is this it? Yeah, here we go. All right. After all, it's not that awful. You know what the fellow said in Italy? For 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love. They have 500 years of democracy and peace. And what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. Ha, ha, ha.

And the best part of this is not even true. The cuckoo clock was made in Germany. But Orson Welles riffed that line. And this was before the internet where they could just fact check that. And the director was like, that's fucking brilliant. What a great riff to just say that line. He wrote that. I'm reading the book and it's just full of those lines. It's funny as shit, right? It's so funny. It's like, this Irishman over here, what's he going to do? You know?

It's great. But that's like the version. It's like from terror comes good stuff. So yeah, I think there's something about like, I mean, porn stars are, yeah, you have another joke about like, I don't want to know how it's made, right? The porn stars? Oh, yeah, brewery. Yeah, we got to go to a brewery. And I'm like, I don't, he's like, you can see how beer is made. I don't care. I don't want to see how.

I don't want to go to a broken home. That was it. Yeah, yeah. I remember that. Mark Norman. Oh, yeah. Gommedy. And then that's my – so, okay, here we go. Yeah. So from bad can come good. From bad can come good. And the stripper or porn star and comedian was supposed to be some comedic relief on this dark thing. Like from horrible fathers or whatever can come good.

Yeah, there needs to be a sacrifice somewhere. Yeah, right. It's like you show me someone who came from a good home. I'll show you a guy who's a fucking accountant. Yeah, exactly. He's boring as shit. What's that old quote? Like hard times make strong men and then strong men make weak times, which makes weak men. Something like that. Strong men make good times. Good times make weak times.

There you go. Yeah. So there's some truth to this, but it's just not ha-ha. Jim Caviezel movie makes hard men. That's the quote. Yeah. There you go. Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And weak men create hard times. This is fucking nice. This is nice. Boy, that's a great quote. But yeah. That's a good quote. Michael Hoff. All right. I'll play with it. It's something. I don't know where to go. I don't know. It's something. I like the idea of like, it's...

It's funny about the pyramids, too. It's like you built these. It is funny to compare the pyramids to porn because no family is like, come on, let's go see the porn. Oh, yeah. Good point. You know what I mean? But we're all watching it, just not as a family. Yeah, just not as a family. Yeah. But sometimes you're watching on the porn a family. That's true. That is true. All right. There's something there, though. Yeah.

Okay, what do you got? Let's see what we got. We got a few ideas. I got another one that needs your help. I think there's something here. Did I try this one on you guys already? I don't know. I say, I'm seeing a girl. She accused me. She said, you don't listen. I say, why listen, but I don't retain. Okay.

There's a difference. I'm taking it in. There's just a finite amount of space in my mind. Right. And I can either keep a shitload of movie quotes or a story of yours about going to the nail salon. Yeah. Which one do you think I'm going to choose? Face Off is a fucking good movie. Yeah.

It is, by the way. It was on TV the other day. Fucking holds up. You have to watch it. Woo, you good looking. It's peak Nicolas Cage. And Travolta. They're just both off the fucking rocker. That's true. All right, hold on. This is good. There's something here, right? You do listen. You just hold on. You just don't hold on to it. I do the first part. I just don't... You want me to do more... Yeah, it's like saying...

Yeah, it's like... Well, maybe it's something like with school where you go, I'll read the book, but is there going to be a test? Right. You know, because if there's a test, I'll retain it. But if not, I'll just read the book and move on. Yeah, is this going to... I also think it's like Microsoft Word. Like, you can type stuff in, but you can't save. Oh, yeah. The hard drive's full. The hard drive's full. I think the test is better, though. I think that's funny. That was always a big thing. Is there going to be a test on this? Because if the teacher said no, you're just like, all right, well, I don't have to pay attention, really. Or I don't have to save this or...

listen too hard. But yeah, that's good. Is there a test? It's so true because you do listen. I listen. It's just hard to hold it all in. I don't hold it in. And also...

What am I going to hold it in for? Your story about the nail salon? That's not going to come up in four years on a podcast. I forget. I'm really bad at remembering friends' names. That's tough. You ever seen someone and they're like, you don't remember my friend? I'm like, you got so many friends. I know. I got like four friends. Yeah. And I'll never see them again. Guys, no guys ever like, you don't remember Gary? Oh, man.

Maybe this could be funny. Maybe you get into a shipwreck or something crazy happens with your lady and she's like, you don't know how to do this? And you're like, well, I know about the nail salon. That I still got. I remember Cheryl. Yeah. That's good. Remember that pedicure you had and how you overpaid or whatever the hell. Yeah. You don't want to retain. I'm doing you a favor by not retaining this because I'm trying to protect us.

Yeah, there's something there. What else do you like? I like it. I tried the NASCAR on you, right? I don't know. It's weird that NASCAR... I listened, but I didn't retain. I don't know.

NASCAR comes from bootleggers. Right. You know, like these guys would sell their booze on the road and like soup up their cars so they could get away from cops when they saw them selling it. I think you might have texted me. This sounds familiar. Maybe I texted it to you months ago. I've been sitting on this bit, this premise for years, but I thought,

how weird that a giant sport in America came from this illegal activity. I wonder if any other illegal activity came up with a sport, like with some guy fucking a dude's wife and the husband came home and he cocks a shotgun. So the guy jumps out a window, starts running, gets on a bike, runs through a Lake. And he's like triathlon. That's very clever, but it doesn't, it gets like, that's also why we start a race with a shotgun. Oh,

Oh, maybe that's it. A gun. Yeah, a pistol. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's something there for sure. And then I thought about baseball, like you steal a base and all that, but that's too close to that racist black joke. Yeah.

About basketball. You know that one? They shoot, they steal. No wonder they're good at basketball. That's an old racist joke. Oh, jeez. But I think we brought that up once and we were hammered. Oh, yeah. Well, the structure works. It's just not. It's just racist. It's just racist. Right. Michael Richards would kill with that shit, I think. I thought about cockfighting.

Parkour. Parkour kind of seems like a gay... What is parkour again? That's where you jump from building to building, which feels like a burglar would do. Or then gay porn, I thought. So it's things that are illegal that have become sports. I'm trying to think of other... Yeah, because being gay used to be illegal. What are some weird sports? Maybe karate was like just being like a wife beater or something. Hold on. Yeah, the problem is there's no like intersex fighting. Yeah, yeah. That would be perfect.

Weird sports. Wife carrying, Quidditch. Wife carrying? Snorkeling, surfing. This is what's great about comedy is you actually kind of learn more because you have to open up all these other weird avenues. Skin kicking. Unicycle hockey? Whoa. Ultimate frisbee. Sorbing. Underwater rugby? Cycle ball. Ferret legging. What the fuck is that?

But yeah, I just got to find the perfect. Didn't you? Did you never try this on stage? I did. And it would get like a, like, Oh, that's cute. It's clever. It's clever, but not funny. Yeah. He runs. Cause you can see it coming. You're like, I already, I spelled it all out. Say the setup one more time. Uh,

I was looking into bootlegging, and it turned into NASCAR. Isn't that weird? This illegal activity led to a major American sport. Say again how it turned into NASCAR, though, because maybe that's got to be something to do with it. I always say, like, I drink a lot. You know, drinking, we had prohibition, and these guys would drive around selling booze out of their car, like in the country. And it turned into a race? And they would soup up their cars to get away from police, and then they would say, oh, let's see who's got a faster car. And then that turned into NASCAR.

that's so interesting it's fascinating i love an interesting premise and then the joke is funny those are the best jokes to me yeah but because i maybe it needs to be explained more because it's like even for me i'm like oh i didn't i didn't get how maybe it's too much of a jump right maybe that's just now because then you say i wonder what else what other sports started from illegal activities yeah what's a gun with what's a sport with shooting

Because isn't there a sport where you ski, you shoot a gun, and then you swim or something? But it might be better if it's a basic sport. Okay. It could be maybe where the guy runs away and the other guy, he's fucking his wife, and the guy chases him and he tackles him. Yeah. And it's like something like maybe football. Oh, yeah. It might be that it's too obscure, like triathlon. Right, right.

Yeah, maybe it should be simpler. NASCAR, it's tough. I wonder if also a lot of people don't consider NASCAR like a basic sport. They consider it like racing. Right. I wonder what's missing from it. Yeah, I think it needs to be simpler. I think you're right. Football's not bad. Because I think it's a lot at once. You're like giving us a fact. Yes, yes. So I think maybe it has to be slowed down. Good point.

Football is interesting. Football. I'm thinking the big sport. I mean, I think hockey could maybe be something because there's fighting in hockey. True, true, yeah. You know? Maybe there was a guy in Alaska. Yeah. He had to skate away from a guy. Right, right. He stopped him. He started beating the shit out of him. Yeah, yeah. That's not bad. But that doesn't explain the puck. Yeah, the puck. That's the problem is there's holes. The stick, yeah. Yeah.

That's why maybe simpler is better. That's why I went with the running and the biking. No, I think that's the best so far. You don't have to have another piece to it. All right, but I'll play with it. But yeah, it's... That's how it became a sport, through a... It's a fun premise. Through, yeah. So you're doing something illegal. Yeah. Maybe the angle is like, you were selling drugs and that became a sport. What is that? Well, alcohol. Oh, oh, oh. So maybe there's something about like, you know...

Now you sell the drugs to the athletes. I don't know. I'm just trying to fucking break that. I'll go the other way with it. Trying to break the premise down for a second. Interesting. Yeah. Then there's maybe something about NASCAR being, what if it was still drinking? Like, wouldn't that be kind of fun if they had to drunk drive?

Oh, my God. It'd be so much more fun if they were still delivering booze. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Maybe that's the angle. That's funny. If you were like, which car are you rooting for? And you're like, Heineken. Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, the guy's hitting a nip while he's shifting. That's not bad. That's a whole different angle. NASCAR would be so, although, geez, think about how many crashes there would be.

There's already a lot of crashes. But you watch it for the crashes, let's be honest. We are. The fans are. Yeah, yeah. The lady getting mowed down. The rubes like us. I got to get into Formula One. People fucking love that shit. People love it. There's that Netflix show everybody loves. I never watched it. I got to watch it. Yeah, here it's fun. It's all international, too. All right, all right. Hit me, baby. I'll tell you, you're over it.

What is this? Zinosis? What do you call this? Oh, Mastika. Mastika. We're going to make a Mastika if we keep drinking this. Jeez. I have a few angles. Oh, here's something about like – so I have a few angles. I went out to like a fine dining place, not on purpose, but like when I was in Greece. Yeah. I was too lazy. I never made this mistake again. I made a mistake of asking the restaurant. I'm like, where should we go? And they're like, we made you a reservation.

fucking fancy place where there's like it's the type of place where they describe every meal every course they're like here's the story I'm like just let me eat that and they're like hold on a sec yeah alright so like this next dish you're gonna eat

it was actually, this crab was raised to be a violinist. I'm like, that doesn't even make sense. And you're like, he was killed at his artistic peak and that's why he's so tender. And you're like, all right. And then you, and then you get the bill and it's like $47,000. I don't know what the, I don't know what the next part is. Something has to be something like, I feel like keep it going. Right. Part of it's got to be like, have you seen the movie Finding Nemo? This is Nemo. You know, something like that.

It's got to be something crazy. You've got to keep upping it. I don't know how to keep upping it, but it was like I had all these ideas where it's like I tried that first part on stage and I got a laugh, but it needs more. Yeah, yeah. What if this is another way to go with it, but what if shouldn't we be eating animals that couldn't do anything? Yeah. Like why are we eating Coco the monkey who can sign? You know, I don't want the crab to go.

play a violin give me the give me the the homophobic uh venison you know if you're gonna tell me about the animal tell me it was a piece of shit like this dude this fucking cat walked out in his family he's a bad dude and you're like fuck yeah that's that also uh and this this is the tag i tried last night and this hit where i say you know uh i was thinking about it like i eat animals all the time and i like animals but i still eat them i was thinking like if you if you like uh

I would eat humans probably. I hate humans. Yeah. Most humans. Especially if you describe the type of human I was eating at like fine dining style where you're like, this next man you're about to eat, he's from Tampa. He's got a chin strap beard. He pairs nicely with a Mountain Dew. Oh, that's great. That got a pop. That was a new one last night, baby. That's great. I love that. That's a whole another, just a long bit. So I think that could connect. Yeah. Definitely connect. I'll tell you. Pairs with a Mountain Dew. That's killer. Yeah. Why don't we eat humans?

I mean, we know why. But let's be real. I mean, humans, for the most part, whatever this podcast starts a genocide. No, I mean, I think about it all the time. Like, humans are probably...

I mean, every once in a while I see a dude, I'm like, I bet he would be delicious. Oh, yeah. And then you wonder, do the ethnicities taste like the ethnic food? Of course. You know? Although Tosh had that bit. Oh, he did? Okay. Where they're being like, you eat a Chinese guy, you're hungry 30 minutes later. Yeah, yeah. That was Tosh. But it would be fun if you got their powers. Like, if you ate a Chinese guy and you're like, I'm smarter. Ooh. Like, that's brain food, you know? Yeah. Or you eat a Mexican guy and all of a sudden you're like, man, I'm working harder. Yeah.

That would be fun. If you got their stereotype, I ate another Jew. I'm just even more frugal. Wow. This is crazy. You're your wife's like, Hey, we should go get dinner. Now you're like, I better eat a black guy. Or if you got a big game coming up. All right. What do you got? A big game. Yeah. You want to play better? I got a lot of big games. Got a lot of big games. Okay. Here we go. Uh,

Let's see. This is stupid. Okay, that's no good. I try to do a thing about how you never see incense at like a smart place.

You know, I'm sure they're not burning incense at the Tesla factory. It's always like at a head shop or like a guy selling shit on the sidewalk has got hookah or incense. It's never at like, you know, Amazon plant. Oh, yeah. It's always like covering up B.O. or something. Yeah. Yeah. The big big pharma, you know, where they're making Pfizer. I don't think they're they're blazing a hookah. I'm sorry. Incense. Yeah. What's like a what's like a classic incense smell? Like what's like a.

Patchouli. Patchouli, yeah. Yeah, I feel like maybe that's the line. You're not going to walk into the brain-trusted apple. Is that patchouli? Yeah, exactly. Brain-trusted apple is perfect. That was just a dumb idea, but is this anything? Oh, boy. Okay, hold on.

Honk, honk. So I heard a bunch of old guys, like 50-year-old guys, they were talking to these young guys at a bar, and they're like, man, you kids got it made. You got these dating apps. You swipe and left, swipe and right, hook it up on Tinder. Back in my day, we had to go talk to a woman. It was scary. You got rejected. It was hard, man. We didn't get laid like you guys are getting laid. And I always wonder if there's an older gay guy listening like, oh,

Oh, you had it hard. You had to talk to a woman. If I talked to the wrong guy, he'd beat the shit out of me. Or I'd go under a bridge and have to blow a guy at a rest stop or something. I would kill to have a loud way of courting process. We had to literally go to a bathroom.

Yeah, like I had yeah, you had to we had to be really we had to like every time we were rolling the dice Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh a woman said no to you. Yeah, you got a drink thrown in your face. I got a black eye That's funny. That's a funny angle. I got arrested or whatever, you know, they're literally going under a bridge like I'm married You guys have been cool with this for 15 years. Yeah years in the Midwest. Yeah, I

Yeah, I don't know if it's enough, but it's... Well, it might be more there, too, the idea of you guys have it so easy, and it's like, yeah, but it wasn't that hard. Right, right. I mean, you would just go to a bar. It was probably better. I mean, you guys have it so easy. It's like, you talk to people.

Yeah. This is worse for them. It's like, yeah, it's easier in a numbers game. But now we have a whole generation of kids that don't know how to talk to women. That's true. That's true. And. Oh, wow. You know how to fucking speak emoji. Yeah. You sent them a fucking thumbs down. Right. Or an eggplant. Yeah. But back then, too, I think women were like, I need to meet a guy.

Like women wanted to meet guys. Now women don't really need guys as much. Women can do their own thing, you know? So if a guy comes up, it's almost a nuisance. People still want to meet someone. You think? Yeah. I feel like women don't really need men anymore. They got a vibrator. They're all. No one needs anyone, but you still want a person. Okay. Am I right? I hope. I hope you're right for the sake of humanity. Yeah, maybe they don't. I don't know. He's 20. Yeah. How are the social media apps? We still talk. It's not like. Yeah. Yeah.

It is normal. But it's more texting, though. To put it in. In motion. Interesting. But, like, don't you think it's, I feel like there's less talking. Like, I feel like so much of it now, even as someone who's, like, used that at my age, I think it's, like, when I was younger, I feel like I would, you know, you'd meet people at the bar. You kind of warm it up at the bar. Now it's, like, you set it in motion. Sometimes, how often are you on an app where you're talking to someone for, like, a while before you even meet, right? Yeah. But, like, you need to talk to them for a while.

Right, to prove you're not a serial killer. Yeah, which back in the day, women just met serial killers. How about that fucking guy in Long Island? Yeah. Do you see that guy? Oh, they caught him. He's like a fucking, what is he, like an accountant or something? An architect. Whoa. Art Vandele. Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, I love that you got fucking Salacuse's shirt here like he's dead. Yeah, exactly. He's having one day with his kin. We're like, I guess that's it, man. Yeah, we'll never see him again. Yeah, this Gilgo Beach, right?

Dude, he looks like, pull him up, he looks like fat Tucker Carlson. Really? I've never seen the guy. Have you seen him? Look at him. Whoa, he does look like Tucker if he was floating in a river for a week. He looks like Midwest Tucker Carlson. He does. He looks like Tucker if he just ate cheese curds. Wow, he's huge. Dude, he's scary. He's like a big dude. Whoa. And he would harass women. He would do these creepy groups and women would leave and he'd find their phone numbers and shit. These guys are always killing call girls, too.

Oh, they love the call girls. Yeah, he looks like Tucker Carl's Jr. All right. Fuddrucker Carlson. There we go. I think they found his DNA in a pizza crust. So wait, what happened? He was killing people like in the 90s? Well, the crazy part is, no, it was not the 90s. It was more recent, but apparently a criminologist said-

Rex, who are you? These criminologists are incredible. Have you ever read that book Mindhunter? Oh, yeah. It's crazy. This guy, dude, these people, the whole thing is profiling. And this criminologist was like, I bet you he's a family man who's educated. And it's like, yeah, he had a wife and two kids. Whoa. And he's an architect. So he would just call a gal and she would come over and he'd kill her. No, I don't know. How do you do it? I don't know how sex works. Yeah, he would hire them and then kill them.

Pick him up, I guess, yeah. Oh, like on the street? Yeah, yeah, this guy, that's his dad. Gilgo. Bodies were unearthed near remote Gilgo Beach on Long Island's south shore more than a decade ago. Isn't that crazy? Wow, glad they got him. Nine women, a man, and a toddler were discovered. He's like, hey, I'm not gay. I'll murder you, but I ain't no homo. I'll kill women. Yeah.

July 2007. Holy shit. Yeah, he's a creepy looking dude. He is. I mean, everyone looks creepier once you know they've murdered. True. Yeah, if this guy was like a philanthropist, you'd be like, hey, he's nice.

All right. Well, Gilgo, I'm glad they got him. Thank God for these criminologists. Can you imagine being married to a dude like that? You're just like, we've all dated a woman who's like, are you keeping anything from me? And you're like, no. Right. She's just nagging him. She's like, I feel like there's something you're not telling me. He's like, all right, I killed a bunch of strippers. All right. Jesus Christ. She's like, you want to just summer at Gilgo Beach? He's like, I hate Gilgo Beach. He's like, something's up. Yeah.

Wow, Long Island, baby. I feel like there's something you're keeping from me. You never tell me anything. What are you thinking about? Oh, I hate that one. I'm thinking, how do I get out of this? Every time. How are we not aware? Or what do we are aware of? We know. Who wrote this shit? Yoda? Jesus Christ.

Gilgo Beachburner that shook Long Island more than a decade in the past. How do you like that? These criminologist people, these profilers, it's so crazy. Like, in that book, Mindhunter, he was so... Because if you're good at this, you're so valuable that it's like being a superhero. You take a day off, you're like...

People could die if I took a day off. So these guys overworked themselves. The guy in that book, I think it's something Douglas, I forgot his name, but he got hospitalized for exhaustion because he would overwork himself so much that he was trying to solve cases in his sleep. He would try to dream about the case. Wow. So he was like, if I took a, what's his name?

Johnny Douglas. Yeah. There you go. Dude, he's a fucking incredible guy. Interesting. This Rex guy only killed white women, which is weird because the Dahmer big controversy was like, he's killing gay black men. That's so horrible. So I'm like, does he get less sentence for killing only white? If it's going to go one way, it should go the other. Diversity. Yeah. Yeah. They're cashing the movie. They're like, can we at least cast a black stripper? Because we want to mix it up. I guarantee that's a conversation. Yeah.

But I can't wait for the movie. There will be a true... I think there already was a true crime on, like, We Don't Know Who It Is, and now, though, I'm sure they'll... You know what's so sick? You know the second they caught this guy, Netflix, Hulu, everyone's probably, like, fighting for the rights. Well, no writers. No writers. Gonna have to be a doc. Yeah. But it's funny. My lady's so obsessed with true crime that I'm like, hey, you heard about this Long Island thing? She's like, come on, I've been on Rex Hellerman for 20 years. I'm like, oh, shit, she knows everybody. It's like, you know basketball players. She knows the serial killers.

It's weird. Well, there's these Reddit detectives, too. It's so creepy. It's like these people who just figure out. Sleuths. Yeah, the sleuths. Yeah, you ever see Don't Fuck With Cats? That was pretty cool, though. Crazy. I mean, these people are insane, but it was pretty damn entertaining. They found a vacuum cleaner in the background of the shot, and they're like, what's that? Then they Googled it. Then they keep going. They're like, it's sold at Walmart and only these locations. It's crazy.

Don't fuck with cats, dude. You got a cat. I got a cat, and I love that cat. If somebody put that thing in a plastic bag, I'd shit. People that kill animals, it's so weird, because we were just saying we eat animals, we're hypocrites, but there's something about a cat? Yeah. But then how shallow are we that we're like, you killed a cat, but then I'm just like, this is a good burger. Yeah, it's true. Well, that cat was racist. He walked out on his kids. That's why I don't knock bestiality.

That much. Not until you try it. Yeah. Don't knock it until you try it. We're killing them eating. They're fucking them. Who's worse? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If I was a goat, I'd want to get plowed every now and then, I'm sure. Fuck a goat? I wouldn't, but...

Somebody's doing it. Oh, people are doing it. There's cow tipping and there's cow licking. Yeah. And I wonder if there's a guy, a goat out there going, you're not getting fucked. Oh, you're missing out. No, I'm free range. I'm living in Vermont. I feel like there's more goats who are like, this guy won't stop fucking me. This is horrible. Maybe, but some goats are into it. I guarantee it. They're probably making more milk and hanging out.

This is the fancy fine dining. This is the good goat's milk. Yes. This goat got raped by his owner for years. It's desperation goat milk. Oh, yeah. It's really good milk. Remember that old George Carlin joke? You always fuck a goat on a cliff because they push back.

That's Carlin's. Carlin. God, that guy had range. Well, he could do every discipline. He could do one-liner. He could do dark. He could do dirty. He could do commentary.

He never went personal, though. No, but I love that. I love that. I love a little mystique. Why not? Me and Stavros had a long talk about this on Mushrooms, by the way. But he was like, you don't go personal. You think you'll ever go personal? I'm like, I don't want to. I have no desire to. He's like, yeah, but that's really like the pinnacle. I'm like, why is that the pinnacle? Hedberg, Carlin, all these guys. Seinfeld. Seinfeld, yeah. These are the killer comics. Norm.

Well, he had his dad's death in there a little bit. A little bit. But what, I mean, yeah, what is the... I think a lot of people think that's the top. Yeah, I think confessional shit, and like Stav does it in a jokey way, but I think some people, maybe it's a new thing to unlock at some point. Sure, sure. But I also think like you do what you do. Like there's... That's what I said. And I just don't find me interesting. Like I don't have the motivation to write a ton about me. Well, you also have that thing where you're like, if you don't get a laugh instantly, you panic. Yes.

It's truly on stage and that's, that's a good quality to have, but also maybe that holds you back from going super personal. Maybe. Because for that personal shit, you will have to deal with the silence. Right. But you have to deal with the silence anyway when you work on a new hour. That's true. That's true. But I,

I don't know. I mean, I think you will at some point. I think you're going to have to. You're going to run out of shit. Like, look what we were talking about yesterday. You run out of, you were texting me yesterday. You're like, man, we've written a lot of jokes in our life. And I'm like, yeah, you're going to run out of shit. I know. You might have to at a certain point. Carlin's the rare one where he did like 18 hours and still, but then he has bits where he's like, have you noticed mice don't have shoulders? And you're like, this guy's got a crazy mind.

Yeah, that's true. He's got a great mind. Also, the cocaine didn't hurt either. Maybe we just, instead of going personal, we just pick up a harder drug habit. Hey, Mulaney did it. Yeah. Worked for him. Yeah. Now, that was personal. Yeah. His last hour. Well, I think, you know, it does...

It's weird. I've always said, like, it gets you some sort of street cred in certain circles where it's like the way rappers are like, I'm tough. A comic being mentally ill is almost like street cred for comedians. That's our thing. So if you go personal with that, people seem to like it. But to me, it doesn't matter, like, the genre of comedy you're doing as long as it's interesting and funny, you know? Yeah.

I think if I was huge, like if we were like Dave Chappelle level, I would go personal because they already know you and they know so much about you that it would resonate. But I feel like if I go up a not famous guy, they're like...

I don't care. Who am I? I've seen comics do that where they're like, so I'm in town for this show. And the crowd's like, who the fuck are you? Yeah, who the hell are you? And tell me a joke. They're up there with their foot leaned up. And they're like, so you know, I'm just filming this show. And they're just like, we don't know who you are. Exactly. And we don't care. And a lot of these comics go up and they're like, man, I had a bad day. I'm going to kind of unload that on you guys. And the crowd's like, what?

The therapy comic? Yeah, I hate that shit. It's so self-indulgent and selfish. These are paying customers. And those are the same comics that Brad's like, I don't go to therapy. I'm like, well, of course not. You just unloaded on the fucking crowd at the underground lounge. Yeah, and got paid to do it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm with you. So I guess I saw those guys coming up, and I was like, I don't want to be that. I want to get laughs. But then there's guys that find ways to combine it. You've got guys like Marc Maron who do that shit, but there's punchlines. I do think there's a way to be...

that personal, but I know what you mean. Like, I think we would watch, like we bonded over this where we would see comics who would go for long stretches with, uh,

and they were kind of telling you about their day. Yes. It's a dangerous thing to love the sound of your voice and think you're interesting. Yes, agreed. And it's a detriment to the set. I mean, the crowd is like, what the fuck? I know, I know. It's like there's agreement that we're going to go up here and make you laugh. Why are you, like, venting? It's weird. I completely agree. So I think you saw that early on. I did. And we bonded over it, but...

But like when Richard Pryor goes up and he goes, I lit my hair on fire. I shot my car. That was all in the news. So it was like, oh, he's talking about it. Like that was huge. But there's people who also just disclose. I mean, like Doug Smith told that incredible story. That's a good point. I mean, you told an interesting story about fucking your teacher on Ari's thing. Oh, yeah. There's times you go personal. It doesn't. I would never write it off for you. And I think with your style.

like you are punchy. So if you tell a long personal story, you will make sure that it's got the necessary laughs in it. Yeah. I think for me, it's just, I have, I'm not motivated to write about me. Yeah. You know, that's fair. I'm like, Oh, this NASCAR thing that I'm like, Oh, I want to figure that out. You know, I'm all excited about it. But then if someone's like, so you got molested and summer camp, I'm like, yeah, that's no good. Like to me, it doesn't, it doesn't, I don't get excited about it. So I don't want to write about it.

Even if I should. I know what you mean. I'd rather talk about summer camp or something. But if something happens to me and it's bad, I can't wait to write a bit about it. Because I'm like, that will give me, that'll help. Oh, yeah, that's true. So I guess that's not super personal, but that's an experience. Yeah, yeah. I'm not great at that. Really? Yeah, I write about things or commentate on society or something.

But that's personal. Is it? That's your view. All right. Well, I'll take it. I mean, you're not being like, my father never loved me. But that doesn't mean it's not on some level personal. Right. Right. I agree. This is how I feel about this is personal. Yes. Yeah. That's I mean, I completely agree. That's kind of how I bond. Usually.

with people in life, right? It's like my views and things that interest me rather than like, here's something that happened to me as a child. Yeah, exactly. So I just think that's kind of where...

Where your stand-up goes. Yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, like, you know, some people had a crazy flight, and you tell them about it in the green room, like, you've got to talk about that. I'm like, that's a flight. I don't know. That's my opener right now. I have a crazy flight story. Oh, okay. Well, you can do it. It's got a lot of punchlines in it, but it's like, that's my opener. I can't do it. I'm like, no one's going to care about my flight. Well, you make them care. To me, it's like, I want to make my complaining have so many punchlines that a room full of people is on board. Yeah, yeah. I just am motivated. Well, that's it.

Well, you – look, a lot of times you don't like just be like here's the bit. But like sometimes when I'm doing a long set, I just get bored with the jokes and I try something new and then it gives you that nugget of hope. Of course. And you're like, oh, I'm going to keep going. And yeah, sometimes that's – it's usually something that happened because how many – look, I mean –

watching the news and something that happened, you know, like it's just, it depends where, when it happened, but it's like, you know, you take the, there's no recipe for this shit or we just follow the recipe. Yeah. You know what I mean? We, we don't know where the jokes come from. That's true. So you just live and you, and you're like, I'll take that. Yes. Yes. I, yeah, that's exactly right. Tom Waits story. I think where he's like, you know,

You don't know when inspiration is going to come to you. Yeah. So, you know, he's driving. He doesn't have his pen. And he's like, God damn it, inspiration. Can't you see I'm driving right now? It's like that Hedberg joke. Yeah. Think it's something funny? I write it down. The pen's too far away. I convince myself it wasn't funny. Yeah. Something like that. It's a great bit. Yeah. Great bit. Not personal.

But it is. I guess it is because he thought of a funny bit and he didn't write it down. It's personal and the cadence is personal. And you're like, who are we to say that's not personal? If you hear a joke, you're like, that's like a Hedberg joke. That means he was personal. I agree. That's my argument. That's why I disagree. But, you know, but I love Stav's comedy and I respect him. But I just think, you know. Yeah. Just let people do what they do.

But that doesn't mean there aren't going to be chapters in our careers where what we do changes. It'd be cool to see you do an hour of stories. Seems boring, doesn't it? To you right now, it seems boring. But maybe in 10 years, doing the same thing over and over again might get boring. Yeah, that's true. So what I mean, maybe that's a way you get yourself excited. Right, right. I mean, I love...

you know Martin Scorsese but if you made the same fucking movie over and over right I mean that's what I mean it's like yeah you got a point that's why Mulaney's thing was such a shock because it was a style change why do you love the Coen brothers range yeah they got range I mean that's not the only reason you love them but man they've made some diverse shit alright I'm gonna go on improv do an improv mix it up

Improv comedy. No, but all right. We should wrap this up. We should wrap up. Plug some dates, man. I got a special out. Check it out on a big streaming platform that, you know. Rhymes with Netflix. Yeah. Big N word. And...

Big dates. You don't say to her, I'm going to Europe, we're coming to Berlin, Lisbon, Copenhagen, Dublin, Scotland, you name it. But right now, I'm all over the road with a big theater tour in L.A. and Denver and all these great places. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. And come on by. Working on new stuff and a lot of personal. Okay.

what do we have? We have, you know, uh, Providence, Rhode Island, North Hampton, Burlington, Vermont, Albany, uh,

Bethlehem, PA, York, PA, Toronto. That's a big venue. Come out guys. Chicago motherfucking theater, Phoenix, Arizona, stand up live, you know, uh, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, and the biggie, New York motherfucking city, the theater at MSG tickets. Now, baby, samorell.com slash shows.

Hell yeah. Thanks. Get some Bodega Cat. Get a hat. Get a shirt. If you want to help us, we're still working on New York legalization. I feel like we're fucking close, but who knows? I get guys hitting me up all the time. I just send them to Chris. I don't know if that's doing anything, but yeah, help us out. Throw us a bone. Talk to the governor. Mayor Adams, what are you doing? I'll tell you. You're all right. And yeah, we'll see you all in hell. Thanks a lot. You're all right. You're all right. Thank you.