Ep 136: Ali Siddiq & Rum Punch
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Chappelle Wong Mulaney Maniscalco Kreischer Hart Netflix paid them handsomely. And with whatever money they had left over, they got this guy.

And I grew up in Louisiana. I grew up a lot of homophobia. I grew up with a guy who hated gay people. He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow. That was like his big beef. Gay guys took the rainbow. I'm like, that might be the gayest complaint I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm doing all right. You know, I had sex with my wife today, or as she calls it, microdosing. I remember one time I left the abortion clinic with a lady and there was a guy protesting. And he goes, you're a goddamn murderer. I was like, I don't know about murderer. I really more just hired a hitman.

Yeah, men even treat their dicks like kids. We wash it, we take care of it, we name it, we go, "You wanna see a photo?" People go, "No, thank you." The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, nobody stops you. Another reason why women are better than men, you don't see a lot of female school shooters. What's going on there? I googled it, there's been two. Anybody ever heard of them? Whether it's gun violence or the WNBA.

Nobody's watching these female shooters. The special he's been waiting for. All right. Yay!

All right, good to be here, guys. Salicu's apparently eating Chinese food during the episode. Just like Hunter S. Thompson lost his job over here. Look at this guy. This is, jeez, I don't know why I'm drawing a blank. The guy who was stuck on the island, Gilligan. Very Gilligan today. Does it say happy Father's Day, Dad? Oh, yeah, you're Gatherer S. Thompson. There we go. I mean, whatever they give you, you have to wear. You can't, like...

Oh, they gave you that? Yeah. Oh, I thought you bought it at a thrift store. Because it's kind of got a cool old look. Yeah. You know the guy, you ever see something about Mary? There's that weird guy who gets, he's like, Mary's my girl! And it says dance contest. Yes, holy shit! That's what that reminds me of. The guy who shoots the guy. Yes, yes. That's you, dude. It's a deep cut. Deep reference. Deep.

But hey, here we are. It's summer in New York City. Manhattan's hot. I was sweating, dude. And it's like there's noise everywhere. It's like if there's a space where there's no noise, there's like a guy who comes in to make noise. There was a guy singing the Candyman song.

On the subway. And I'm like, he had candy. The doo-wop song? No, the candy man. And he had a bucket of lollipops. I'm like, who's taking those lollipops? Literally rule number one is you don't take lollipops from strangers. We were on the street the other day and some guy goes, you want my album? And I go, I'm good. He goes, I'll sign it. I go, give me the album. And you're like, what are you doing? That's fucking rookie shit. He's going to charge you. I know. It was like a mixtape. What did it cost you?

I got it. He got me out of it. I got him out of it. You don't do that. After he signed it over? No, he didn't sign it. Oh, okay. What, you think he knew his name that quickly? I was on it. I was like, stop it. Yeah, yeah. That's a rookie move. Take my album. What, do they give you the album and they want money? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They'll go, that'll be 20 bucks. And you're like, oh, I thought it was free. And they're like, who said it was free? Yeah. That's their whole day. That's the whole day. Yeah. All right. Well, you saved me there. That was bad. I felt like a real hayseed. I felt like a real peckerwood. You would have done the same.

No, those guys are actually dangerous. That's what I'm saying. There was a shootout in Times Square with those guys with the cops. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? There was a shootout between the CD signing guys. The cops tried to stop them. They ran and they shot it out with the cops. Whoa. That would help the album. The value. Street cred, baby. Yeah. 50 Cent. He got shot.

And then when they go to jail, they have to give up the albums. Oh, yeah. When they go in, they get them. That's true. They have a record. Yeah. Do you think they're still trading cigarettes in jail? They got to.

I heard ramen was number one. Really? Currency, yeah. Then cigarettes. I feel like shrimp ramen is number one. Then chicken, then beef. Yeah, seafood is the higher quality. Higher quality ramen, but... Yeah, it's always on a Chinese menu. It'll be like, or Thai. It's like, pick a protein, chicken and beef, $8.99. Shrimp, $10.99. Yeah. Always. Love a good shrimp. And they give you less. Mm-hmm.

It's not a galaxy of shrimp. Shrimp stew, shrimp gumbo, shrimp creole, shrimp pasta, shrimp bread, shrimp and grits. And yet it's an insult. You're a shrimp. Ah, that's true. Yeah. Bubba Gump shrimp. Thank you, Bubba Gump. Yeah. All right. That guy had a bad run, man. Bubba Gump shrimp.

He fucking, he dies and then he gets all the proceeds. Oh yeah. That's a good point. That's a tough life. Yeah. Tough movie. That was back when they always killed the black guy in like the first half of the movie. Oh yeah. That was, the 90s were tough. And then they had the nerve to make the Green Mile, which was like, we need another, uh,

Angelic, soothsayer, prophet, black guy. They do that with everything. Legend of Bagger Vance, the other one. It's always like the black guy who knows all or gets killed. Shawshank. Shawshank. And every judge in a movie is black. But it was a happy ending, at least, in Shawshank. That's true. I mean, they were in prison, but... Yeah, they met up with him at the boat party.

Yeah, that wouldn't be, you need that Hollywood happy ending. I got a good rec for you guys, and I bet you've seen it. Oh, please. Criterion, saw it the other night. Night Moves with Gene Hackman. Yeah, I love that movie. I know Night Moves. Really? Yeah, yeah. Great movie. 81, 80? 76, I think. Same time around Thief came out? Did you ever see Thief? Before Thief. I haven't seen that one. I know Thief. Okay. Night, who directed that? Arthur Penn. Wow.

A little Bonnie and Clyde action. Is that based on the song by Bob Seger? No, not at all. I think it's in the movie. It's not. I bet it is. They used to do that. They used to put them together like Stayin' Alive. I would have noticed it. It was like a slow Florida sweaty noir. Oh, yeah. 75. Wow. Yeah, it was good, man. All right, I'll tell this. Not a little Hackman. Right up my anal.

I'm down. Night Moves. I'm trying to watch every Tarantino made a top ten movies. What have you watched from it? Well, I saw Blowout. That's a great one. Great movie. That was a wreck from a few weeks back for me. That's right. The Young Travolta. I had a couple other ones. What else you got? Directors love De Palma, I feel like. Yeah. It's like a director's director. That's true. No one else really likes him.

He did Scarface. I like him. He wrote it. I don't think he directed it. Really? Did he direct it? Who directed Scarface? I thought he did direct it. Diploma directed it. Oh, okay. I got to see the first, the second one I have not seen, His Girl Friday. That's a classic. Yeah, that's like a farce, right? Pandora's Box. Yeah, I haven't seen that. See, there's a lot of these. Unfaithful Years, never seen that. Five Graves to Cairo, never seen that.

Billy Wilder. Damn, I should see that. Yeah. All right. Good list. Dude, I got another one for you. Another movie I just watched. And it's because it's weird. I'm.

I'm reading the Steve Jobs book. I'm almost done with it. It's really good. Yeah. Walter Isaacson. Interesting guy. Amazingly interesting. The thing he did with the license plate, he never bought a car. He just kept leasing it. He had all these little hacks. I'm not up to that. Oh, it gets good. So you can't get a ticket if you have a dealer plate. That was it. So he kept getting a new car for three months so he can get a dealer plate. So he'd get caught speeding and they'd be like, well, we can't write you a ticket. He had all these little genius twists. What the hell is Beer Jude doing over there? A lot is going on here. Wow. Get a shot of that, somebody.

Do not zing the beer Jew this week. I know. What is going on? I heard you bumped into Jay Leno about a month ago. Burning man. What are we doing here? We're doing a little special twist, a beer Jew twist on a rum punch. Get a whiff of that. Ooh. Wow.

The guest is going to shit on this. This is great. No, this is fun. Look at that. The chalice, the fruit, the stabby thing. I love it. It's a pomegranate banana rump punch. There you go. That's a fucking... Gives it one fart up. That's... Yeah. Get that all out before our guest comes. I don't think he's going to like you farting on him very much. This is one I'm actually nervous for you. Yeah, let's get going. This is one I don't think you can pull off.

Well, we'll see. He doesn't want to go back to the pen. I'll tell you that. I know, but I think just like reflexes are going to kick in. That's true. That's true. He might stab me with a sharpened toothbrush. But we're giving too much away here. It does come with a pick, so be careful. Oh, true. It's got a weapon. All right. I got to try this. So this is a rum punch with a- By the way, welcome back from Australia. Oh, hey. Good to be back across the pond. Ooh, that is delicious. Oh.

man, it actually tastes healthy. It's good. It's tropical for the summer. We're good, you know? Very nice. What fruit is in there? There is pomegranate, cranberry, pineapple, orange, and the rum is plantation banana rum. Don't pull that out with the guest. All right, what else you got, huh? Cool whip? All right, all right.

Getting it all out before he gets here. Okay. Oh, but Australia, really, you got to go. I talked to the promoter. He said they're interested in you. So, uh...

But yeah, great time. It's a whole different world over there. Obviously, it's a 20-hour flight. Flew coach. Why? Just, you know, I got to stay with the people. All right. No, I flew first class there, which was unbelievable. That was the best part of the whole trip. And then I flew coach back.

Just to get me back to earth. Because it was so fun. You get treated so well. You get a tour manager. He goes out with you. You have a tour manager. Yeah. I've never had one. It's a game changer. Yeah, it's nice. The car's there when you need it. Hey, I never got any club soda. Oh, we got club soda coming in hot. You know, all that shit was great. I hope you're using them for more than just the club soda. I

I barely used them. I didn't know what to do. And he was like, you're the easiest artist I've ever had. I couldn't believe how easy this was. I was like, we went out every night drinking. It was great. That is the weird thing about the road is I forget how unhealthy we are sometimes on stage. It's like a throwaway. I didn't even mean it to be funny. But I said, you know, so we're trying to be healthy on the road. I mean, we do drink every night. And that gets like a huge laugh. I guess that's not healthy at all. Yeah. You forget about that. We would just pound like a bottle of wine every night.

you know, before I go on. But then, you know, the next day we had, I did two weeks on the road. I did it on the tour bus. So we were, you know, yeah, we were hitting it pretty fucking hard. That's what you got to do. But the thing is, you know, what happens is you get really drunk at night and then your whole day is recovery. You hit a sauna, you hit the gym. You're just trying to hit the steam room every day, steam room every day, sweat it out. And then you drink again that night because you have to reward yourself for all the recovery you did. It's a vicious cycle.

It's a vicious cycle that ends at 46. He'll be dead very soon. Kreischer did it. He's still going. I don't know. This could have a bad ending still. That's true. I'm worried. I feel like Kreischer's going to die in like a go-kart accident. It's going to be some twist that no one sees coming. He gets like E. coli from a spinach salad or something. You're like, that's what got him? He's going to slip on a roller skate or something. Like didn't Sam Kinison like,

He quit. Yes. And then a drunk driver killed him. Perfect example. Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy. If he was drunk, he might have swerved out of the way. True. Two drunk drivers is like negative numbers. It might be okay. Ah. If he was coked up, he could have seen it coming. He would have been ready. Yeah, that was crazy. I mean, Kenison and Hicks dying super young. Yeah. Those were like the edgy dudes of their day. I know. One was lung cancer. Pancreatic cancer. Oh, okay. Great. Crazy. So keep smoking, kids. Oh, so what I was getting to before we get into the tour stuff, I'm watching...

I'm watching that movie Blackberry. It's a new movie with Glenn Howard in from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Uh-huh. And, uh, he's great in it. Jay Baruchel. It's a good movie. It's cool. It's well, it's like, it's like nerdy Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, all right. You know? But anyway, I'm watching it and I'm not giving anything away because people know the true story, but it's, they were completely destroyed by the iPhone. That's what destroyed Blackberry. And it's like, I'm reading it coinciding with this book. I love that. And, uh,

It is amazing that it's like one thing is dominant and then the next thing just destroys it. There's no just like we're still kind of here. They're fucking they're there, but it's like they're doing other stuff. It's like it's like Blockbuster. It's like cyber. Well, they're completely out. But I think Blackberry does like cyber security or something. Now they do some stuff. They had to pivot. But yeah. But like, you know, the name still means something. But iPhone, you're like, yeah, it's over. They were they were the whole thing. They were like, no one's going to want to like do the clicky. Yeah.

They want the clicky thing with the keys. Yeah, and the wheel, the rolly thing was fun. The clit, whatever that was. You wore the clit, yeah. Yeah. I taught a lot of kids. Yeah, you'd see guys with a black belt. You're like, that guy means business. It felt you were important. You were handling shit, just scrolling and typing. That rolly thing, sometimes I'd dip my nose on it. You lick it. You suck on it. Yeah, wow. I love stories like this. It's a good movie. It's a good flick.

And the Jobs book is incredible. It's a dude who wrote the Einstein book also. Oh, nice. He does a lot of bio bios, but really fucking good. All right. I mean, I love a good bio. Biopic, biobook, I'm in. I got a bit. Can I run a bit by you? I know it's early, but it kind of goes off what we're saying. So here's an idea I have for a bit. And I don't know if there's anything here, but it's like all these movies now are about like

I guess the premise is like the genres were out of stories to tell. Like the new movie air. It's like, all right, it's a, all right. Is it about Michael Jordan? No, it's about his shoe. That's what it's about. Then you're like, all right. And then you're like, all right, we got a, the movie flaming hot. And you're like, it's the making of the flaming hot Cheeto. That's the movie evil and gory. I thought it was now Indy Cohen. Then we got, uh, you know, Blackberry, the making, it's like the new genre is just capitalism. Like,

Like how long before there's a movie where they're like one man decided that cream should go between two cookies. The Oreo story. You're joking, but Seinfeld's making the Pop-Tart movie. Oh, shit. Well, there you go. You're right. Well, there you go. Right? And it's like – but it's like you're going to see a premise where they have to create drama where they're like the cream will never work. You can't put it – and he'll be like I have to try. All right. I guess the dialogue was good. I don't know. But it's like that's –

That's what we're dealing with. Yeah. They're out of stories. They're out of stories. We had Wall Street in the 80s. Yeah. That's kind of about, but yeah, you're right. It used to be about Vietnam or something, coming home from Nam or, you know. They still make more movies, I guess, and stuff like that, but it's just an observation that this is like a whole new genre. Yeah. I'd take that over a Marvel movie. Sure. I would too. As I said, there's a good movie, Blackberry. It's very good. Yeah.

As long as the story's good, you know, because Flamin' Hot, it's literally about Cheetos, but a janitor came up with it. And people say he didn't even do it. People are like, it's bullshit. Oh, shit. All right. But it's like a feel-good Latino story, so they're like, nah, he did it. Yeah. He fucking did it. Right. But yeah, Cool Hand Luke's like a guy getting out of jail and all that shit. And yeah, you're right. We're really scraping the barrel, and it's all products. Yeah. Because that's the last adventure. Yeah.

We don't have adventures anymore. What do we have, a crazy Uber ride or something? You know, you got to go to these guys because these are like the new risk takers. Yeah. Speaking of Cool Hand Luke, I watched this movie Harper last night and I think you'd really like it. I never heard of it. Me or Mark or both of us? Yeah, I didn't think. Have you ever seen it? I think you've never heard of it. Never seen it. So it's like right before Cool Hand Luke, maybe like two or three years, same writer.

and it's Paul Newman, peak Paul Newman. Yeah. And he plays like a Richard Marlowe type. Philip Marlowe. Oh, sorry, Philip Marlowe type. Yeah. Interesting. I love Paul Newman. He's great because he's a sex symbol, and he's 5'10". Oh, nice. Gives me hope. You know, us 5'10ers, they did some Tinder study, and it says once you get past 6',

the likes just plummet. So we need our 510 sex symbols out there. Newman and half Jew. So Mark, you said that you were in Australia and you're cooking up a lot of new bits. A lot of new bits. I got to tell you, I just getting away from America, the news and Trump and politics and school shootings and all this shit. And the, you know, we're very doggy dog over here and it just chill there. And,

And my creativity was popping because I got the days free, no pods, writing, big shows at night. You're with the wife. I'm with the wife. But you're still able to...

We got in a couple fights and I finally got some alone time so I could, you know, really ride it out. You just tell her she's been gaining weight just so you can go to the coffee shop and crank out some material. Wow, you have let yourself go. Mark! All right, perfect. Two hours. Let's do this. Right, right, exactly. She's like, who are you DMing? Oh, this is your sister. All right, finally, a little alone time. But, yeah, great, great trip and just seeing new shit and getting out and seeing the Sydney Opera House and taking a ferry and going to Bondi Beach and...

and going to New Zealand and all this crazy shit was like getting the juices flowing again. Because we kind of get a little rote out here. You wake up, you have your hard-boiled egg, you go do a pod, you get drunk at noon, you hang out with us. You put a belt around your neck, the gimp mask on. It's the same day every day. You fart on a black person, you do a pod, whatever it is. And you do shows at night. You call your dad, he doesn't answer. Whatever it is. But Al

Out there, it was all new, and I think it got the mojo going. So it was nice. I think that there's something to that. I mean, even taking a different way home.

It's good for your brain. Agree. Anything that breaks up routine. We're such creatures of routine. I mean, I think about that all the time is I'm going away. I'm going to Europe. I'm going to London. That'll be good. Oh, I didn't know that. It'll be good for me to just get away for a while. Definitely. See a new buildings. Yeah. And they have different expressions. So you could go out and you want your Australia chunk up front. You know, you want to do the fish out of water. We finally get to be the novelty. We're a bunch of straight white honkies out here. So being over there, you're exotic. It was fun to be exotic.

It'll be nice to be like stabbed in an English accent for once. Aha! Hey, good day, blimey, you fucking yank. Yeah. You get mugged, but he's got a little Peaky Blinders hat on. Yeah, exactly. So,

So, yeah, just had a great time. And your brain is always open because you're like, oh, I need a new bit about Australia to do up top. So, yeah, great time. And it's all these big theater shows because you never get to go out there. So your tickets really sell. And you don't want to let the theater down. So you got to really bring the heat. And I just had a great time. But I definitely drank too much. Did you cook up a new bit? Oh, you want a new bit? Let's get a bit. All right, let's get a bit going. Okay, so...

I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and the lady hates it. What do you play? I've been playing, well, they're all like Mario Kart and Donkey Kong. I go with Throwback, but she's getting annoyed with it.

You good? Yeah, I'm wondering if you did this one already. Oh, did I? Is it about the boss? Yeah. You did this one. Oh, shit. Look at me. I'm like, I got all these new bits. It's going to happen on the drinking podcast. Sorry. Let me... Hold on. I got another one. Did I do the OnlyFans? No. Okay. I think I told... I ran this by you, but I finally cracked it. Hit me. My buddy does OnlyFans. He's a hot guy, and he's always bitching about making no money, and I'm like...

Well, I'm not a woman, but women already hate dick pics, and now you want them to pay for them? You want a woman to pay for a dick pic? That's insane. That'd be like me paying to get yelled at at Target.

You know, like the thing I don't like. You know, you get it. The thing women don't like about men, you want them to pay for. Now I don't want to get paid for you to have a mood swing. Blah, blah, blah. And then I talk about how dicks are so scary to women, but they also like them too. I feel like women look at dicks the way I look at crawfish. You know, like you see one out in the wild. They're weird and kind of scary, but in the right mood, I'm like, I'll suck the head. You know? That's good. Yeah.

That's good. So that's been killing. For a second, I was like, maybe you should go oysters, but I like the suck that line. I started with oysters. That's why you say that. Something about oysters or the danger. Yes, yes. This could be bad, but yeah. Yeah, you can get poisoned.

Or an STD or whatever. But then it goes on to, he's like, well, it sucks. It's not fair that men make less money. And I'm like, you got to suck this one up because this is only fans for men is RWNBA. Nobody wants to see that. I love that. You know, that's great. You made this by me. I love this one. Yeah, but I needed some more in the front. So it's really cooking now. I like that. That's really good. That's a working bit. No, that's good. The fact that it's like you like this, but it's also...

It's bad. Right. Yeah. Just sorry. Nobody likes it. It's like you like I think one of the things is like if you're in a relationship, you like one dick. I'm not. I'm not. Imagine being that specific. Yeah. Only day. Imagine being that specific with with crawfish.

There's only one I like. And it was just like, okay, well, which one? You're like, eh. Yeah. They pour out a basket on the table and you're like, that's mine. That's my crawfish right there. Yeah. So that's the new bit. It's really cooking and it's blowing it out. But the OnlyFans thing gets a groan from women. And I'm like, well, much like OnlyFans for men, I don't support it either. You know, like you don't even watch it, ladies. Yeah. And I'm not watching guys on OnlyFans. I'm not giving them money. So I get it.

But some dudes are doing well in there, I guess. Yeah. The gays. But women really make up. Yeah, you're right. Gay dudes will pay. Yeah. Dudes are keeping OnlyFans afloat. Yeah, for other dudes and women. Yeah, you're right. I told Mark, I said that, you know, for women, what's worse, an unsolicited dick pic or watching the WNBA? And I was like, well, with Brittany Griner, you get both. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That one's definitely going to groan, but I'll try it. Yeah. I like the first part of that where it's like, which would you rather watch? Yeah. If I send you a link of either, you ain't opening it. You know what I mean? Something about that. True, yes. Yeah.

Although I've been watching... I watched some WNBA yesterday because the Liberty are fucking good right now. So, Breonna Stewart's a stud. Oh. They're playing at the Barclays again. They're back. They were in the MSG for a while. They weren't selling tickets. They got thrown to Westchester. Now they're in Brooklyn again. Wow. You know. They should have... This is going to get offensive, but it'd be more fun if the names were feminine, like the Cleveland Cramps. Yeah.

you know, or like the Memphis menopause or something like that. You know, let's get it. Let's go all the way. The Phoenix, you know what you did. Yes! Right. Sacramento, do I look fat in this? You know?

Oh, man. Racine used to have the best joke. Remember Mike Racine's joke about worst... Oh, the pedophile? The pedophile joke. That's a great bit. He had a whole thing about this guy is the worst pedophile. That was the headline, but it turned out he molested 47 kids. He sounds like the best pedophile. His bit was the worst pedophile can't get his van to start. He's giving kids circus peanuts as candy. WNBA cards. WNBA cards. Yeah.

That's a good angle, man. Killer bit. Mike, you were seen. Funny bit. We should put our money where our mouth is and go to one of these WNBA games. I would go. I've been. I like it. I love basketball. And they're getting paid so little that it's pure love of the game. I mean, it's literally the mascot for the Denver Nuggets makes $625,000 a year. The highest paid WNBA player, it's like $235,000.

Not even $1,000, $2.35 a year. I'll give you a change. Now, can I yell at them as I would yell at a male guy on the court? No, why not? It's pro sports. All right. Hey, you bum. Hey, you fat whore. Okay.

You suck. You're a piece of shit. But a lot of the insults at male games don't work at the WNBA games. Like, you get paid so much and this is how you perform? You can't say that. Oh, yeah. That's too on the nose. The insult's got to be like, you make what you deserve. Yeah. Playing like this. That's the insult. I'm just going to go out there with a big pot and a spoon and go, hello, I have no dinner. Joking. Comedian. All right.

But yeah, hey, good stuff. But yeah, Australia, I highly recommend it. You're going to love it. It's really a special place, and it's clean, and it's safe. I have a breakdown of what the difference between Australia and America is, because they're better than us in a lot of ways. They're clean. There's no graffiti. There's no garbage. Everything's safe. There's way less crime. They don't have guns. They don't have the opioid crisis. It's all like this in Australia. Bitch!

Very regular, very mediocre. Here we got highs and lows. We got the guy doing heroin under the overpass, but we also have Steve Jobs. We have exceptionalism, which does come with some poverty and some horrible school shooting and all that, but we also have these giant great actors and Hollywood and the Freedom Tower and all this shit and Joey Chestnut and

They don't have that, you know? They're all very even keeled. Yeah, I thought that would... Well, I'm trying to think of big... You really forced Chestnut in there. Titans of the industry. You know, we got LeBron James over here, you know? For sure. I totally get what you're saying. You need the highs...

Yeah, we got Clooney. They got nobody. They got your regular guy who's nice and he goes to work and he's good to his family, but... You're right. No, and I understand you got the inspiration because this is new to you, but if you were always there, maybe you wouldn't hit that level of inspiration. There is something about how fast-paced New York is that you always kind of get material. When I'm in a slower place, I don't feel...

I don't feel the inspiration. Exactly. Which helps for letting art in and creativity in, but that's why they all leave. They got Jim Jeffries, who's a talented, funny guy. He got the fuck out. But he came up in the UK, I think. I think you're right. I think he came up in the UK. Yeah.

But now he's massive in Australia because he's one of their own. Exactly. But they hated him. Ronnie Chang told me. I was texting with him when I was over there. He's like, they never appreciated me. They never gave me a spot. Really? Yeah, yeah. He's like, fuck them. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. He says it all over his Instagram. Oh, okay, okay. He hates Singapore and Australia. Oh, all right, great. Because they never gave him a chance. And then he comes here. He's flourishing. He's got multiple Netflix specials. He's on The Daily Show. He's doing this. He's doing that. So...

You got to get out. It's like kind of a small town feel in this giant, beautiful city. We did a two-week run on the bus, and it was excellent. It was my last bus run of the year probably, but we started in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Foxwoods in Connecticut, the casino. We go down, and we hit like –

All over the South. I mean, it started in Richmond, Virginia, but then we really started getting it like the Memphis, Chattanooga, Knoxville. Wow. You know, Birmingham, Alabama. Are these places you wouldn't normally get to? I mean, Birmingham, I don't believe they have, maybe they have a club. I don't know. No, Knoxville does. Yeah, I've never been to...

Birmingham. It was great. Did you sell it in Memphis? I know that's a tough market. I did fine. I didn't sell it out, but I did. It was a big room. It was a big, you know, for that city. And it was a great show. Oh, great. That's when we were like, but then the people that come out are fucking happier there. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, Chattanooga. I mean, Knoxville might have been the best show

the year wow is that right they were on fire it was like it's so good i was watching veder i'm like man he's doing well this is a weird change and uh he's killing no he's just ripping and uh i was like oh there's gonna be good i think i have a good feeling all right in your energy level when you fly into let's say memphis or when you drive in the night before like dude i feel better when we take the bus i sleep you know what's great about the tour buses you get uh

You get sleep. I mean, I sleep on the bus. You have a day in that city. Yeah. So if you if you got these other runs, I fly in. We take a runner. It's like you're traveling that day. Yeah. If you sleep, you're just like, OK, that was my sleep. That is pretty great. And they know what it says, but the airport takes it out of you. Even if you just got an easy flight, everything is on time. You got to find your gate. You got to check in. You got to go through security. You got to take your shoes off. You got to find your seat and all those little things. And then.

Now boarding. You got to listen to the bullshit security and all that shit. And then you finally land and you got to get an Uber. All that shit adds up mentally. It's a lot. It's a lot of things. And you can kind of just shut off when you have a bus. You're like, okay, I can think about jokes. We'd wake up and go to the Y and just hoop.

And it's a good way to start. We play it every day. I rolled my ankle on the last day. Fucking sad old man when I was playing well, because it was like day 12 in a row of me playing. So I was like hitting shots. I was like, I'm fucking rolling right now. And this one kid was so fast. And I just like trying to keep up with him on one play. I just rolled an ankle. And I was like, fuck. Damn. Oh, we got a guest here. Hey, look who's early. Hello, Ali. How's it going? What's up, man? Please join us. Sit down.

Yeah. Boy, you smell good. You do. That was a nice smell. Mark farted a minute ago. So that really, that really helped. I came to clear it out. I can't wear cologne. I feel, I feel like too immature. My dad wore it.

I don't know. I'm a child. Look at me. My son splashes on cologne all the time. He's 12. A 12-year-old? Yeah, that's a hot kid. He stays in my cologne all the time. Really? I got to grow up. I put a suit on. I feel weird. I don't know. I feel weird in a suit now, mainly because I'm fatter than I used to be. I used to fit all my suits. Oh, shit. Then something happened around here. The road? I didn't want to say anything. Uh-huh.

The black is slimming. Yes. No, the clothes are slimming. Black is not. Got it, got it. Just as fat as I am if I was lighter. Is it just doing the road all the time and just eating crap? Because that's what does it for me. I feel like I...

Was in better shape. Yeah, I think so. I think it's chocolate. Oh, yeah. It's like I go on these chocolate binges and it's ridiculous. That's not a bad vice. You could be doing oxycontin. You know? I would be slim. Not to bring up cotton. But, oh, there we go. That's a rum punch. Oh.

How you know I like rum punch? Hey, come on. Oh, man, that's my drink of choice outside of a frozen margarita. Really? That's a good one, too. Yeah, I'm a margarita guy. Really? I love a frozen margarita. Dark liquor doesn't fare well for me. Mm.

I haven't made a lot of good decisions on Hennessy. There's no pleasant Hennessy story. They're only survival stories. Right, that's true. I tried the Hennessy. I couldn't do it. Maybe it's the honky in me, but I couldn't.

Couldn't get over it. It just tasted too weird. Did you say honky? Yeah. I haven't heard that. Trying to bring it back. And I think last time I heard it, I was six. My uncle just randomly said it. Honky Tonk Man, the wrestler? Oh, yeah. That was a throwback. Honky Tonk Man. Oh, that was a good dude. He'll hit you with that good talk. That's right. That's right.

So you, I mean, you've been doing comedy a long time, right? Yeah, 25 years. Wow. I've seen very ancient. Wow. Damn. 25 years. Where'd you start? Just joking comedy cafe. Okay.

Houston, Texas. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, you're a Houston guy. Yeah, I'm a Houston guy. Damn. Was the improv there then or no? No, it was a club called Spellbinders at the time. And then they moved where the improv used to be. So Spellbinders moved. They had a rainforest at the bottom, like a rainforest restaurant. The club was up top. So the improv bought out Spellbinders.

And then it's just been improv ever since. Okay. That's a great comedy town, but there was a place called Joke Joint. Yeah, the Joke Joint. That was a rough room. I got my ass kicked in that place. Why were you at the Joke Joint? I was such a low-level comedian that they said, we'll have you for $18, and I said, I'll be there. I did it for $16 in Minnesota. Oh.

Oh, yeah. The joke joint was in Minnesota. It was in Minnesota. That was like their C room. It was like Acme was like the hot room. They had the Mall of America room, and then they had the joke joint. And I remember eating shit. I was getting heckled for like an hour 40, and I had too much pride to get off stage, but I wasn't handling it well. Yeah. And the owner got off. He's like, that was just terrible. I was like, well, my defense, you're paying me shit. Right. This is what you get. Wasn't it Manseer? Not Manseer. What was the guy's name? Oh.

Hispanic guy. Yeah. Yeah. The joke joint. Yeah. It was all 45 and like Fuquay, like almost to Galveston. Nobody. Yes. Nobody was coming out. Like y'all went to the only comedy club that I've never been in. You're lucky. In Houston outside of going there for a, to watch somebody in a competition. They begged me to come and I got lost going.

I was like, in my own hometown, I was like, yo, where is this place? It was way out on like East Houston or whatever it was, right off the highway. And it was a bunch of Hispanic guys with cowboy hats. Yes. Was my audience. Yes. And they hated me. Yeah. They would have hated me as well. That was a Juan Villarreal room. Like Juan Villarreal could come there and just sell out for like two months. Exactly. Exactly.

I had a friend years ago, Ronan, open for you, and he was like, this dude's really funny. I remember he was telling me, this guy, Ali Sadiq, is really funny. And it was at the Syracuse Funny Bone. And I remember he goes, this is the worst fucking room. And I'm watching this dude on the table, just like, the waitstaff is being loud, and they're talking to your set. And you said something along the lines of like, you guys aren't doing nothing for me, to the waitstaff. And I was like, oh, I like that guy.

I like that he called them out for talking through his set. It's like, yeah, I think the waitstaff was being loud. The people were being loud. And this guy, I remember that night, this guy, I was going to beat the shit out of this dude. Because he got, him and his wife was arguing. I'm like, yo, man, take it outside. Yeah. And then he going, what you got to do about it?

I have nothing to do with your argument. I'm saying go outside. - Yeah. I'm trying to do a show. - And then I said, don't get mad at me 'cause she done walked out on you and it was awful. And then the next day, because the wait staff can really make a room shitty.

i know great if they know how to take an order if they know how to be quiet they help so much like how do you stay if you see the people are looking at me why are you standing straight up in front of them yes where they can't see me you know so go go yourself and then you feel bad yelling at them because you're like well i don't piss the staff off and have them turn on me so it's a tough spot and i tip the staff in clubs at the end like the whole staff yeah washers everybody i tip everybody

I'm like, damn, can y'all help me out? We co-workers. Yeah, exactly. If somebody be rude to you, I'm going to say something, and now you blocking me from... I'm doing the show, the lady doing this, trying to look around the waitress. Get your ass out the way. I know, and it's sold out. You're making money, lady. Come on. I don't know if anyone's selling out that room. Maybe not. That was a tough one. I sold out one night. Okay. Man, I think they canceled all other nights. Sorry.

Syracuse is, it's like, I beat them up pretty good though. It took me, I went there maybe like five times. I went to Syracuse five times. That's like Nam. I did four tours. And I started, they just started rolling in like, oh, Ali's coming again. Yeah, yeah. Syracuse. That's one of the ones you shirk on the calendar and you're like, fuck. I'll just get through it. Oh, that and Albany. Oh.

Similar. Once you leave Albany, the crowds are better than Syracuse. But whenever you're in a mall, you're like, I feel fucking corny.

What about Levity Live? Once you leave the city, those are like the weirdest crowds sometimes. Yeah, people coming out of Target and like, oh, he's here. Exactly. Let's go see him. I don't have a lot of overlap with Auntie Ann's pretzels, but that's who's coming in, you know? It's some places that...

Some comedy clubs that are awful because the bar is in the showroom. And while you're performing. Oh, man. The blender. Hey, that's your frozen margarita that you ordered. Hey, I'm working. I know, right? Who is that? The comedy store.

Yeah. In La Jolla. La Jolla. That's a good room though. I love that room. Love the room. Great room. But it's a lot of, it's a lot of martinis being shooken back there. I know. Yeah. Which they don't have that at Hamilton. This is the only art form where you hear that shit. But that,

But that room, there's something magical about that room where it is hard not to crush that room. That's a great room. It's a great room. I think it's so simple. Yeah. It's not a lot going on. It's popcorn and drinks. Exactly. San Diego is just good. It's just good for comedy. Ten minutes away is the beach. It's beautiful. The beach, the sea. I took my family this time. The first time I went, I went by myself with my road manager. I took my family this time. And...

Everything was going well. They at the beach. They doing everything. And for some reason, we forget that we have a daughter that's allergic to seafood. And the lady who live in my house, affectionately what I call her, she calls me and says, hey, they were playing with crab and all this. And immediately I'm like, wait a minute, playing with crab? What was her name? Oh, she was over there too.

So everything is going well. And then she calls me. We got to go somewhere. I'm like, where do you have to go? It was like to the emergency room. Hanan looks like mask right now. I'm talking about her whole head was swollen. It was crazy. That's terrifying. It was like a 15-minute delay. She just playing with crap with her brother.

I'm talking about she looks like somebody just started pumping air in her head. Oh, my God. It was crazy. So on all the pictures of the vacation, it looks like she's being extra fly because she has on these pink flower shades. No, we're hiding that we have a swollen child. I can't believe your kid is Jewish. That's crazy. No shellfish. Man. Yeah, I want to see those pics.

I ruined my sister's graduation photos because I was in like seventh grade and I puked. I drank so much I puked so hard that all the blood vessels in my face popped. So every family photo, it looks like I have freckles, but it's literally blood vessels in my face. That's how much I puked. Damn. I remember that as a kid. They'd get the red eye, you know, the bloody eye. Yeah, those were... I got knocked out in college and I had to take a photo two days later and I had the biggest like egg...

like a brown egg on my face under my eye. It was brutal. So I'm just hugging my mom like, you know, I'm like 19, just big old. You got knocked out? Yeah, it was Mardi Gras. It was a wild time. You was going to skip past the knocked out story? Well, I'll give the quick version. I got knocked out, but me and my family was taking pictures. What happened?

What happened? Quick version. We're all out drinking. You ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans? I'm from Houston. Okay. You can drive right over. Several times. Good point. All right. I still have vomit on the street. So we're on St. Charles being like five friends or whatever, and this kid catches a spear. And you catch a spear. That's the number one, you know, big ticket item. And these college kids were going, hey, kid, give me the spear. And they're pulling it. And he's like, that's my spear. He's like a 10-year-old kid. And we're like, hey, give the kid the spear. What are you doing? Yeah.

And said, like, who the hell are you guys? And it was probably, like, you know, nine of them. And we're like, wow, you're just, you know, you're bullying this kid? And then they're like, well, what are you going to do about it? And one of them pushed me, and, like, out of a movie, he had the friend behind me doing this shit. And so I fell right over him. And then I'm on the ground getting wailed on, and then I look up, you know, you see your friends getting beat up, and they're outnumbering us. And I remember a vivid memory of being on the sidewalk, and I see my friend also laying down, and he's getting his face stepped on by a Doc Martens.

These are like preppy polo wearing frat guys. So before I know it, the cops come, they break everything up and we're all good. We're like, that was crazy. Holy shit. We're wiping grass off us. That was wild. And then one of them goes, I think that's one of the guys. And he was running up from the other way. And I went, huh? And he hit me with a running start, went out, pissed myself.

And woke up on the lawn to all my friends fighting. And I was just like, ugh. And that was it. They all just walked away like, Cobra Kai out. They sound like fucking dweebs. Yeah, they sucked. Did the kid, did they get the spear? They never got the spear. So we saved the kid. I

I could have used that spear, though. I'm thinking, he didn't help you with the spear? Nothing. He was 10, but I had a big old rock on my face. I had a good black eye before. Yeah? A real good one. A real shiner? A guy, Bob Marley Festival.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Back turn. Dude stole me. Hit me in the eye. And I beat the shit out of him. But my eye was swelling up. Wow. He called me pretty good. Just a sucker punch for no reason? Sucker punch.

Well, when I found out later what was behind, it's basically still for no reason. Behind is what this girl misinterpreted something I said. And he told him and the shit was totally not what I said. And he took her word and

He stole me. Damn. But I beat his ass twice, though. Like, I was... I beat his ass then, and then I saw him again, and I beat his ass again. I'm like, because I was still on the... Let's settle this the fair way. My back was turned. Damn. That must have sucked for him to see you again. Dude named Richard. I beat his ass. Damn. Wow. How'd you get his name? I knew him. I already knew him. Oh, you knew him? Yeah, he was a rapper that was...

what happened was at this show he's rapping pretty decent artist at the time and I'm sitting there and all I said was man this would be better if he had some dancers like if he had like a stage show yeah so whatever she goes and tell him like I said he sucked or something oh shit and then so he took the but yeah and

Long story short, he don't rap anymore either. That's how long that career lasted. Yeah, well, now he's Richard the Ass Whoopin', you know? You lose a lot of street cred if you're a rapper and a comedian beats the shit out of you. I wasn't a comedian then. I was young. I hadn't even went to prison yet, so I was still in the streets. When did you go to prison? When I was 19. Oh, wow, that's pretty early. That's so young. Yeah.

Yeah. Damn. But when you walked in, they're like, that's the guy who beat up Richard. He had a little cred. Yeah. I think I'm still mad about that. If I just sat up and thought about it, if I run into Richard, I'd whoop his ass again. I've never been cool with the sucker punch. Have you ever lost a fight? It's okay. We're all friends here. That's okay. I'm going to say yes. Okay. I'm going to say yes.

I was, okay, this is how I lost. This is why I say I lost. Because I did something my father told me never to do. He told me never slap a man while he's down. So I'm a trained boxer. Oh, really? I'm a trained fighter. So I get into it with this dude named Rich Cat.

While I'm locked up in the county jail. I get into a rich cat. How old are you here? I'm 19. I'm just in the county. And I drop rich cat. And I'm listening to the people on the sideline. And somebody say, slap his ass. And I slap rich cat. And man, I don't know what happened after that.

But I know it was, it's eight steel tables in the day room. Yeah. And he introduced me to all eight of them. Wow. I don't know. It's like when I slapped him, I don't know how my arms got by my side. It's like he grabbed me because he was down on his knees when I slapped him. Uh-huh.

And he's like, he grabbed me and picked me up. And he's like, I'm on a roller coaster. It's like he was like, boom. And every time I stopped, he just slammed me on the table. And the last table, I just went, I just came, just flipped me on the table. And he stood over to me, don't you ever fucking slap me. And I said, yes, sir. So I won the first half and I lost the second half.

Rich Cat. Dude named Rich Cat from the southwest side of Houston. Wow. Yep. So how long were you in prison? Six years. That's a long fucking time. Yeah. Like four years from a decade. I thought about that the other day. I'm like, damn, four more years. That would have been 10 years. Yeah. 10 is nice. Nice round number. No, I don't. No,

I didn't need a nice round number. Six is a round number as well if you don't eat it. Let's just round up to make this a fat number here. I'm OCD. What, uh... Charge? Yeah, what was it? Drug trafficking. How did that happen? They call it delivery. Delivery. Delivery of a controlled substance is what they say. It's not delivery. It's cocaine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Now we have so many different delivery systems. Oh, man, this guy right here. Yeah, he's on it. And he makes a good... Oh, yeah. As good as fuck. How did you get into that? Oh, drug dealing? Yeah. Oh, it's kind of like a neighborhood thing. You know, you meet somebody. Hey, you want to sell drugs? Actually, just being outside with my friends. Like...

let me not say my friends people who are outside and you just happen to be in the neighborhood who because my mom had a job i didn't have to sell drugs like to take care of my family and my mom had a great job i was just outside being a knucklehead yeah and decided let's pick up being a pharmaceutical a street pharmaceutical rep you know and did you did you start with the weed and then move up to coke no straight it we wasn't a big thing back then like

I don't think I knew anybody who was selling weed. Oh, really? I think that was like a giveaway drug. Right, right, right. I started with what they call a 50-pack. A 50-pack of Coke. Really? But my father sold Coke. Oh, shit. And powder. When it was in powder form. Yeah. You know, before crack. You know, he was like, everybody was tooting. He used to sell to a bunch of lawyers. Uh-huh. So I thought it was like a real upper crust thing.

type of thing at the time. Then with crack, it was different. Crack...

Yeah, yeah. Coke's still around. Yeah, good point. You got to be careful with Coke now, though. Coke is still around. Yeah, crack is out. Crack is out. Whitney said it. Crack is whack. Coke is still, you know? Yeah. So was your dad doing this when you were doing it or no? No, my dad owned a carrier service and just happened to just be selling powdered cocaine at the time. Powdered cocaine and Speed. Damn.

It's like that Mitch Hedberg joke. FedEx is a drug dealer. They don't even know it. Yeah. Wow.

Wow, so he had a carrier service and he sold drugs. I mean, that's a perfect combo. Perfect combo. That's probably how you get it. But he was a very trustworthy guy, though. It was mostly lawyers. It was mostly attorneys. Did he ever get in trouble for it? No, my dad never went to jail for coke. So how'd you get popped? How'd I get popped? Oh, some miscellaneous people not paying attention.

This guy named Moe, if he would have paid attention to what I told him. I talk about this in Domino Effect 2, the special where I tell the story about how we got busted because the feds busted us. They wasn't even really even looking for us. This guy named Kevin is who they was trying to bust. Kevin came to us

for the product and just so happened they tapping him he needed five kilos and we was like okay cool we'll give it to you um but we're gonna go on a deal so when i went on a deal with them i went in the room and i was the first person in to count the money which which i always was and while i'm counting the money i'm like yo um

What's these bank numbers? What's these numbers on the money? And dude told me, oh, these bank numbers from the Franklin Bank. I'm like, Franklin Bank? But he said out of New Orleans. And I had just left New Orleans. I'm like, maybe it's the Franklin Bank in New Orleans. And I didn't see it. Yeah. But Franklin, 1301 Franklin is the county jail. Oh, okay. Interesting. Now...

I knew that it was. That is confusing. Yeah. That's pretty confusing. Once I heard Franklin. Yeah. I'm like, no, I don't. And then the money was, it was not drug money.

It was no way this could be drug money. I've been selling drugs since I was 14. So I know what drug money look like. Drug money don't come in hundreds and fifties. Yeah, yeah. So it's no 20s, no 10s, no 5s, no 1s. Oh, shit. And it's not like I've never sold a kilo of dope to somebody before. It's like, I know how this money go. It's going to take a minute for us to count it. Yeah. This, one, this. So I knock on the table. I have a signature thing. Knock three times. Then that mean, everybody, let's go. Mm-hmm.

We not even doing a deal. So I told Mo that it was the feds. I said, tell Charles don't come to this parking lot

But the whole day I had been saying stuff. I'm like, yo, man, why? It's 12 o'clock. We at this motel. Nobody's checking out of this motel. Like, this ain't weird. Yeah. Like, the whole time I keep saying stuff and nobody's paying attention to me. Right, right. So. Your spidey sense is tingling. Because it doesn't make, none of this is making sense to me. But no one else is. It's so weird that they're doing this and they're not at all paranoid. At all.

yeah and to this day when when me and kevin me and kevin talk about it kevin was like man none of us would have had to go to prison if we would just been listening to you mo was mo was just was like pushing off what i was saying because he was older than me but i've been selling drugs longer than him i'm like yo man listen this doesn't this don't feel right so tell charles don't come in his parking lot next thing i know

Charles is in the parking lot. He on the high speed chase. Feds jump out of everywhere. I'm running through this field. Wow. And it, it, the shit was just bad. And next thing we know, we locked up. Wow. Going to court for, we went to court, we went to court for about seven, eight months. What's that process like when they just stick you with a lawyer? No, I had, I had, um, enough money to get, I had a lot of money. I wasn't like a,

street level guy. Do you know the price of a key today? I have no idea. I don't keep up with no type of drug. I don't even know how much aspirin costs. I don't do any. I'm holding if you need me. It's the thing about at that time in the 90s, early 90s, it was a different

it was just a different style of doing business in the early 90s now late when once i you know late 90s like i missed when i really think about it i missed damn near all the night i didn't i didn't get out to 97. oh wow october night didn't miss that much jordan ran through the nba ran through the third blind had a few hits i missed biggie i missed biggie and pop

Wow. That's true. That is bad. You know what's crazy? When I say that, that's when people say, wow. People are like, what? You miss Biggie and Pop? I was trying to make you feel better, but David. What the hell are you? I'm like, hey. Forrest Gump was pretty good. Pulp Fiction, it was a good decade. I got to say. People be talking about things that happened in like 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 97. I'm like, man, I love it.

You literally missed Michael Jordan's entire run. Are you a Houston Rockets fan? You missed both their titles, right? Probably watching in the jail, maybe. We watched in the jail, but I've only been a Knicks fan. Oh, look at this. So he knows pain. It's like prison was nothing. Yeah, right? No, just imagine. I'm in a Texas prison.

A lot of Houston people there. The Knicks are playing the Rockets, and I am going in. It's me and two other guys doing with the Knicks. So, Rockets lose. Do you understand what it was like walking into the cafeteria the next morning when the Rockets...

It wasn't just my cell. My dormitory, my cell with my block that I was on, people was like, ah, he got your ass. But the rest of the prison knew that I was going for the Knicks. And I was talking cat shit on the rec yard. It was like a parade when I walked in to that cafeteria. They was like, ha. I'm like, I couldn't even eat in peace. Don't pull this card.

I was like, little hand-ass Patrick Ewing. Get the job done. I was like, this is some bullshit. Wow. Please don't pull this up. This is my first sports memory, and it really hurts. What year? 94. Oh, damn. 94, 95. It was crazy.

She was so hot. Oh, yeah. I don't know what that had to do with it, but it was so hot. Yeah, good looking lady. I mean, how scared were you in prison? I mean, what was like day to day like?

Who was scared? Were you not scared there? No. All right. I don't know. Come on. Who are you talking to? I can fight. But were people in there, did you see, like, fear when you're looking around? Other people were scared of people, but... Not you. I'm like, man, I've never been raised to be scared of nobody. I got you. It was like, either we gonna fight or we gonna whatever. But I was, you know, I was in the streets. So I'm a street dude. So it...

And I'm on the street dude that came up fighting. Like it wasn't... My era of drug dealing had nothing to do with guns. Oh, right. And I think people forget that. It was like a lot of honor amongst these. It wasn't a lot of gunplay behind drugs back then. Yeah. You know, it was just all fair business. So if I got into with somebody, I'm just a straight... We just gonna fight. But in prison...

You have apprehensions of somebody, but I had uncles that I already had been in that was like, yo, man, this is what you do. Keep to yourself. A lot of advice. What else did they say? Most things is keep them to yourself. When somebody says something to you, if you feel threatened, you swing first. Wow. You go first. You don't never let nobody come in your cell. A lot of things about keeping your door locked.

when you in prison. Because they pop your doors in the morning. Like, when you get up at 4 or something in the morning, they pop the door. It's best that you get up when they pop the door and you close your door back. Whoa. It's no telling, man. I've seen people get ran in on. Yeah. And what's crazy is I wasn't even scared when I got transferred. Like, so you would start somewhere, right? And then you would get transferred to other prisons. So...

If you were scared on Torres' unit, if you get sent to Darrington, you scared all over again? Uh-huh. I would be. Because Darrington is a... One is a minimum. Yeah. You have a minimum. Then you have a medium scared. Then you have a max. Then you have a super max. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? So, but...

Everybody bleed like you. That's the thing. It's not like it's a person here made of something other than what you made of. True. So my whole ideology is, man, if you...

do something to me i'm gonna do something to you i don't know my wife's a bleeder but that's a whole nother thing that's monthly but yeah but no that's a good point yeah we're all just people but what if somebody's big and then they they're muscly and then they have crazy training you went to you went to high school oh yeah you played sports in high school

Not really. Skateboarding. Okay. Well, some skateboarders are bigger than other skateboarders. That's true. He's not the same size as Tony Hawk. No, he's 6'5". Yeah. So if you're on the skateboard thing and Tony take your skateboard, you going to let him take your skateboard? You going to say something? Hopefully. I'm a fan. I play basketball. I'm a point guard. You know how many centers I can hit in the face? Mm-hmm. Right. You know how many? I was a free safety.

When I played football, you know how many defensive ends I done got into with? You got to give me some tips. What's a move I can do? Are you planning to go to prison anytime soon? You never know. I might get popped for fucking a kid. You got to give me some kind of...

And we've been demonetized on YouTube. Sorry. It just happened. I'm joking. By the way, no one who actually fucks a kid gives a warning like that. That's true. If you did go to prison for fucking a kid, all they're going to do is put you on a safe side of the prison where you can flourish and be...

away from everybody. So if you're going down for drugs, you should fuck a kid. Yeah, there you go. Just get to the safe side. Get to the safe side. I'll get drunk driving, something, you know, shoplifting, something. They'll get me with something. You know, what's crazy is if you get drunk driving,

They'll put you in prison with the most violent people in the world. You got a fucking drunk driver. But if he was a sex offender or molester, they'll put you on the whole other end of a prison where you by yourself and you safe. Isn't that weird? It's fucking crazy. Because they expect these people to get the shit kicked out of them. Oh, yeah. And it's going to happen. You can't come to prison for a rape or molestation, murdering a child, killing old people, killing women.

And people just know. You can't hide that, I guess, right? There's no way to hide it. Everybody knows what you're going to do. That'd be a hard conversation in the cafeteria where you're like, I'm in for drugs. You're like, funny story. I fucked a kid. I feel terrible. Oh, it's going to get bad. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to get bad. All right. I would tell anybody, yeah. Yeah.

It's going to get bad. Okay. Did you team up with the guys you went down with in the same prison as you? No. Oh, that sucks. Was that tough? We were friends like that. Oh, okay. I didn't want them to know.

Especially if Moe would have been there, I'd probably kill Moe. I would have stabbed the shit out of Moe. Moe would have died. Are you guys talking now? Hell no. Charles, the guy who I was partners with, me and Charles had one discussion maybe, shit, I'm going to say about eight years ago. And the discussion didn't go well. Because I saw his ex-wife and his daughter at this club

And being helpful, I walked the cake out. Because it was somebody's birthday party. And I walked the cake to the car. Everybody know whoever walks the cake out, that's who fucking the somebody. That's the only guy who walking out at the end of the night with the cake. He's the man. So I'm not even thinking about that. I'm just walking the cake out. And I put the cake in their car. And I'm gone. I get a phone call the next day. Uh-oh. Hey, you on.

you trying to with my ex-wife i said who is this talking to this charles and i was so offended i say hey bro why would i be trying to with roxanne like while your daughter alicia was there like why would i say charles man let me tell you something remember what i used to do for you and when you're in the streets i do that for myself if i get another phone call like this

it's going to be a problem. Oh boy. And we never, we never spoke again. Charles knew, Charles knew I'm not playing that dumb shit with him. Hmm. I like that. I'm like, are you, are you fucking serious right now? Why would I, why would I want your ex wife? Yeah.

That'd be great if you just started going in on her. You're like, she's gross. Yeah. I don't find her attractive. Right. But the thing is, she's very attractive. Oh, okay. She's a very attractive. And she was like that when we was... He had the type of wife that...

Roxanne was so motherfucking fine. Like so fucking fine. Charles, Charles. Like so super fine. Like the other people that used to be in the crew with us, she would walk into the room and most people would just close their eyes. Because you don't want Charles to see you looking at her. But it's impossible. Of course. It's fucking impossible. Is she the type of woman you would bring cake out for?

you would take several cakes out. Oh, damn. She is. Yeah. And at the time, Roxanne had to be like fucking 60. Whoa. And she was still together. Wow. OK, let me say how much together she was. She was the queen of.

for Trinidad in the carnival. She was the head lady. You know, they always fucking wear that little costume. It's crazy. Wow, Roxanne. Roxanne, Roxanne. Holy shit. I'm never bringing a cake out again. I didn't know that was what that implied. Happy Father's Day. Yeah.

No, that's not it. Oh, okay. Oh, damn. What are the odds? Oh, it may be. Yeah. But yeah, no, didn't want to. Now, is it like the movies where the Hispanic guys are over here, the black guys over here, the Aryan race, Aryan nation guys over there?

Pretty much. Whoa. But everybody still has to interact with each other because we all work together. Right. It's not like I'm in the laundry with all black people. It's like, there's a bunch of, people work everywhere, like boot factory, laundry, the field, the kitchen. You work everywhere, but it's,

It's a race thing sometimes. Sure. Can you say if there was drug dealing inside prison as well? I can say a lot of things about inside prison. I'm not in there no more. They ain't like they gonna find me. Yeah, there's a lot of drug dealing in there brought in by mostly the officers. There you go. Wow. Yeah. And it, let me say, it's a lot of different trades that go on in prison. Everything is different.

What's like highest currency versus like whatever? Oh, man. Highest currency is cigarettes. Oh, I heard it was ramen noodles. No. Damn. Ramen noodles ain't... That's a quote. I read that somewhere. No. Ramen noodles... No. It's not even close. It's like... Cigarettes... So cigarettes are the top. What else are we talking about? Cigarettes...

Coffee. Coffee. Let me say this. I'm going to put coffee over cigarettes. Yeah, me too. I'm going to put coffee over cigarettes because three bags of coffee get you killed. Like somebody kill you for three bags of coffee. I could put a hit on you for three bags of coffee. Damn. Wow.

All right. Good to know. Coffee, envelopes, stamps. What? Yeah. You got a staples in there. Yeah, because stamps is for you to write home. Envelopes and stamps is for you to write home. Oh, that makes sense. So I'm going to go coffee, envelopes, stamps, cigarettes. I didn't think about the envelopes. Sweets. Yeah, that's a big one. Sweets. What about porn? Like a magazine?

It is way better. It's female officers for that. Oh, you know, let me tell you something. I'll bring her a cake. Attraction. Attraction is is different when you locked up what you attracted to your level right now because you in a free society. You got all these choices. But when you incarcerated.

No, no. An 89-year-old woman with tight pants on is a fucking model. She's a fucking supermodel. You hear that, Martha Stewart? Yeah.

I believe it. Oh, let me tell you what it gets your ass whooped, though. This is where I was first introduced to her. Her name is Denise Austin. Denise Austin. Is she the workout woman? The workout woman. The Pilates woman. If you know, she wasn't doing Pilates then. She was just a workout box. She's hot. Blonde woman. Hydration isn't just for marathon runners. Regular people...

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And use code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off your order today. Get on it, folks, and kick those habits. Yes. Okay, so, right. Oh, yeah. That's good in a free world. Do you understand watching this woman in the morning, and I mean every morning,

Every morning, the TV is on this lady, Denise Austin. Oh, yeah. If you come turn that TV, I guarantee you get your ass whooped. I guarantee. Her outfits was a lot skimpier than that. They were way. She didn't have long pants on then. It was all like the old bikini type. Denise Austin was the. I bet you she looks good. There we go. This is. Oh, yeah. This is a tease.

This is, man, let me tell you something. In the morning, oh, yeah. I'm shocked because there's not a lot of curves going on here, not a lot of ass. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Yeah, but she's hot. I mean, I'm into it. Denise Austin. Assuming in a prison. Do you know what I'm saying? He just said an 89-year-old woman is appealing. Oh, yeah, good point. This is fucking... This Denise Austin. Right now. This is hardcore. Yeah. You've got to invite her to a show. This could be a love connection. You've been locked up for two years. You ain't seen nothing. You've been nothing but dudes. And she's on TV in the morning. I'm into it. Meanwhile, she's 89 today. You got a shot.

How old is she really? How old is she right now? She's not 89. She can't be 89. I bet you a million dollars when she was doing those squats, she wasn't thinking, boy, in that Franklin prison, I am cleaning up. Shit, shit. Oh, look at this.

Look at this black. Look at this black. Look at that thigh. Oh, she would have gotten. Oh. It would have been all type of problem. I bet she still looks good, though. She looks great. Fucking Denise Austin is still hot. Yeah, looking good, Denise. Denise Austin is still fucking hot. Yeah, you don't want to turn that TV off. Oh, yeah, you get your ass whoop turned. So what was an average? That and then Kailente went on a.

Oh, Telemundo? Oh, yeah. When Kyle and they came on, oh, you get your ass. Pull her up. I want to see because that Telemundo has got some smoking hot ladies. Those Latinas, they're all bombshells. What was an average day like in prison? I'm sorry we're asking so many questions about this, but this is fascinating.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. We got Kayente coming up. He's going to be distracted. Is that her? No. This is just a show. This is how the show come on. Oh, really? Yeah, this is nothing to sneeze at either. This is how the show come on. Wow. And it's probably just some loose performer. But all the rest of the dancers that's around in there. Oh.

Look at this. What is going on? This is hot. Yeah. Wow. I got to go to Spain. This was, what, in the 90s? Yeah. Remember that show MTV Grind? And they would just grind. Look at this lady right here in white bikini. All you're doing is waiting to get a close-up shot of any of this. Yeah, right. You take this back to your cell. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. You take these memories back to your cell. Yeah.

I heard guys would fuck a wet paper towel or wet toilet paper roll. Who are these guys? I think I heard that on a one person show or something. What it was was maybe Tyson. No, the toilet paper roll and you pack it with

It's a plastic thing. You put Vaseline. And then some dudes would put like a warm, it would be like a warm water bag. Yeah. Like you put hot water in it and you could put it inside the, it was weird shit. There you go. Well, you got creative. They was doing some weird shit. Yeah. I mean, it's basically like me when I was 13. I was fucking the couch. I was fucking the bed. I'd fuck a bicycle seat, a Kleenex box, a sleeve of a jacket. You know, my house was ruined. Yeah.

Your dad never wore his coats. The sleeve of a jacket. Yeah, I was looking for anything. Did you have a cellmate there? Sometimes I did. Sometimes I put them out, but other times I would keep a good one. That's got to be tough. It was some weird... Yeah, what's it like meeting a cellmate? How does that first interaction go? Oh, it fucking sucks. It's like, you ever...

Somebody ever open for you that you didn't know? Like just some random guy from...

Toledo. Right. He's coming, hey, I'm Brent, and I'm opening for you. It's just like that. It's like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah. You go over here, I'll go over here. Either way, they're like, take me with you. I don't want you in this green room, Brent, with me. But that guy's opening for you for six years. Exactly. Actually, he's opening for you until you decide you're going to put him out to sell.

I probably would like to apologize to this guy named Brian for this. This white guy named Brian. I'm not a person, I don't like to hear urine into a toilet. I fucking hate the sound of it. And I used to tell him, I said, hey man, you gotta sit down.

To use the restroom. Because I don't want... Your floor is important. Sure. Because you keep your floor shiny. So you don't want urine splashing out the toilet on the floor and all over your steel. And I said, hey... And then he had a prostate issue or something. The way his urine would just drip out. And I was like, say, man, you're going to have to sit the fuck down, man. And...

And one night he was up and I was asleep and I just heard this fucking noise. And I said, yo, man, pack your shit up, man. You got to move in the morning. You got to move, man. And he's like, what? I said, man, you got to move in the morning. When they roll the doors for breakfast, you're going to have to tell them officers that you need to move. Mm-hmm.

And if you don't, then the next thing you do, I'm going to make it to where you got to move. Damn. And that's when the other shit come in. That's when, you know, you got to give somebody a black eye. You got to be some screaming coming from yourself. Right. But you don't want to do that. You kind of just want people just to move around. And he didn't want to move at first. And I pressed the issue. Uh-oh. And...

Then I felt bad. Like, he got a real... He got moved to another cell. And then every time I saw him, he was... He had a black eye. Uh-huh. All the time. That's because he's dripping all day. And I was like, yo, man. And I asked him. I'm like, what the fuck is going on with you? And Selly was beating him up. Just like, starting to beat him up. Yeah. And the worst thing is I beat Selly up and told him, don't extort him. Hey! Wow. That's nice. But people thought I was...

I was like his protector after that, but I wasn't. I was like, I just don't... I've never been that guy to take advantage of somebody. You know, I've always done fair... Even when I was doing illegal business, I did it fair. I've never jumped in. I've never actually even started a fight. Yeah. I finished a lot of them. I've never started one. So...

And then I've never liked bullies. Yeah, same. That's a real thing with me. Like, even now as a grown man. Like, if I saw somebody bullying somebody, I like fighting enough to step in and be like, hey, what's up? Yeah, yeah. It's like, what? This ain't got nothing to do with what. What? God damn it, it got something to do with me now. Right. It could be not even a person I know. I'm like, this is my good friend. I don't even know this person. Yeah. But...

I've never been a bully guy. A guy that would take advantage of somebody. Good. That's a good peeve. Maybe we can segue into your peeves, Mark. You got any good peeves? We do pet peeves on the show. That's a good one. The guy pissing into the bowl. And bullies. Two peeves. Yeah. Two pet peeves. I got bullied growing up, so that's nice to hear. You got bullied growing up.

growing up? Oh, yeah. You should have been friends with me. I wish. I would have waited. I would have set people up. Look, why don't you go bully that guy over there? I could just beat him up until they start bothering you. I've never liked bullies. I've never liked them. No, I'd bring you a cake out of gratitude. Yeah.

I appreciate that. Before we get to Mark's peeps, can I just ask you, how did that go down with that guy who you beat the shit out of? The guy who beat up your ex-cellmate? Oh, it was a Mexican guy. It was a Mexican guy. But how did you just approach him? It was like, stop bullying him. No, I asked him. I said, hey, I've done this twice. There was one guy named White Dog and then it was Brian. I said, hey, man, I hit at you.

You whooping on Brian. See. He's like, man, he's my, what is business of yours? I said, man, he's a friend of mine and I don't take comment to that.

I got tired of talking. I don't want to keep explaining this shit. Beat his ass up. And I told him don't put his hands on it no more. I remember this guy named White Dog who I was in the county with, right?

And White Dog was like, he like 6'3", white guy, real lanky, cool-ass fucking white dude. And I was like, yo, we call him White Dog. We was like, yo, man, White Dog. And then White Dog gets sent to Torres. We was on Torres' unit right outside of San Antonio, Honduras, Texas. I saw him when he came on the unit. Because I was on 7th building. He was on 4th.

I'm like, yo, man, what's up, man? You just got here. Yeah, man, they got me over here on Fort Beal. All right, cool. Next thing I see, he flagged me down. He's like, hey, this is weird as shit. Hey, I don't know a lot of Spanish, but I think my silly and them talking about fucking me. Whoa.

And I was like, well, shit. That's great to know just a little bit of Spanish. I think. I got a bad feeling about that word right there. I was like, I heard culo. I was like, are you sure? He's like, man, yeah, I think they ate. I said, man, don't trip on that. Don't trip on that. I got you. So I said, because we're on two different sides of the unit. I said, word. I said, yo, this is my guy.

If anybody put their hands on them, it's going to be some problems. And the word gets back like, yo, this is Ali's guy. Don't put your fucking hands on him. So I went to the assistant warden. His name was Mendoza. I said, Mendoza, can I get two people transferred on the other side of the prison to like four buildings? Or I mean to like six buildings or seven buildings?

He's like, man, what you got? Who? I said, it's a guy named White Dog. That's not his real name. I'm going to show him to you. And Dexter Manley. And he was like, who the fuck is Dexter Manley? I was like, one of the greatest defensive ends of all time for the fucking Redskins. And he's like,

We have an athlete on this unit. I'm like, you have fucking Dexter Manley. Yeah. Dexter Manley was locked up on Torrey's unit too. And he was on four building. I got it transferred to the side that we was on.

What was he in for? Cocaine. Using. Damn. Dexter Manley. And the crazy thing is, I remember when people thought Dexter Manley was going to kill me. Oh, that's terrifying. We in the day room watching TV. You know how ABC used to do these things about sports and they would have all these, they would be running these things about football players. They was running football players and it was...

They was like, Dexter Manley, greatest defensive end of all time. So Dexter, I'm standing up watching the TV. Dexter's sitting on this bench behind the thing. And we like this.

Everybody watching TV. And this is a commercial. Right before they go to commercial, that man says this. Because this is when they used to do an echo for everybody all the time. Dexter Manley, greatest defense end of all times, times, times, times. Yeah, yeah. And this is me. I'm standing up. And I did it this slow until I said. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I said, now look at you. Oh! And they thought Dexter was going to fucking kill me. Dexter stood up and just went upstairs and laid on his bunk, right? So he on his bunk. And people keep talking to me tomorrow. Hey, man.

you need to go apologize to Dexter Manley. I'm like, I'm not fucking apologizing to Dexter Manley. He's talking about, man, you hurt Dexter Fiddler. I say, I didn't fucking hurt no goddamn Dexter Manley. But people don't understand. I know Dexter. Dexter's from Houston. He's from my same neighborhood. And I'm like, Dexter ain't fucking mad. Dexter was so fucking hurt, right? So I had to go upstairs. So I sat on this bunk. So Dexter's like this. He's like this. He's like this.

And I come and I sit on this bunk and I'm like, "Hey Dexter man, I was just fucking around. Man, I apologize Dexter, I was just playing with you." And I put this on my children's life, on my children. Dexter did me just like this. So I'm like kind of right here. So he did me like this. That's how Dexter did me, he was like this.

no you wasn't and he told me like an angsty teen I was like I had to convince Dexter to come eat to go to the cafeteria and we walked in together and my and the people that's in my on my block was clapping talking about oh they made up I was so disgusted Dexter was so sensitive damn that's hilarious the gentle giant and he the and he man this dude

Cocaine man Was Do you still know him? Yeah I saw Dexter maybe Two years ago Jogging Oh wow And And Dexter's a good dude man I was just Fucking with him Yeah But in In prison I was like that man I would just bother people Well you're a comedian For no reason Right You know like I was just a I was People don't understand I grew up there I was a Basically I was a kid

all right you grew up in prison basically yeah i'm 19 and i i don't think people are saying this so my birthday october 17 1973 when i was born october 17th october 21st i am like i turned 19 and then four days later i'm in prison wow so i'm a child yeah i'm still this goofy

that still was jovial in the street. So I'm not really understanding the gravity of this place like that. So Darrington Unit. Darrington Unit was the place that really gave me the understanding of how prison really works. So this guy, I don't know his name. I get to Darrington Unit and Darrington is a Mac's.

It's a guy. He has a broomstick stuck in his side, like to his side. And the way this prison is built, it's too tight for them to put him on a gurney and bring him out because the stick just keep hitting the balls. Right. So he has to walk out. So he's walking out and he's coming out.

the off the block right and I'm on transit I'm just now getting here and they got us in a line and they got us stopped and they like we're bringing out an inmate everybody got to stop and I'm standing there and I'm the first person in line right so when he comes off the block

He looks right at me and said, "It's wild in here, youngster." I'm like, "That's all you got? It's wild? You got a stick in your side?" I can tell it's wild. - Oh, man. - It's fucking crazy. - Damn. - He got the spear. - Conspiracy. - I gotta pee. I'll be right back. I gotta pee. - Don't drip. You better sit down when you pee.

It's got to be crazy to be Dexter Manley and come out of prison and your football team has a different name. Isn't that wild? I just thought of that. The Commanders. But, man, that is terrifying. You can't go back now. You've done your time. You've got to fly right. I have no intentions on going back. So I've been out 25 years, right? So I got arrested.

For a traffic warrant that I didn't know that I had. Oh, no. Okay, so I am, I'm 43. I had to spend a night in jail, right? And this is the terrible thing. I'm in a small town, right? Brazoria County. I'm in Brazoria County. It's all white people. Yeah, I've never heard of it. All white people in jail. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm cool. Nobody's going to know I'm in here because it's all white guys.

I'm on the show. This is not happening, right? Yeah, yeah. White people clearly watch this show. Oh, we love it. And I have a mattress and I'm going to the thing because I got to stay in here overnight and I am pissed. You know why I got to stay in here overnight? I got arrested at nine something in the morning. I'm arrested at nine. So I get there. It's about 915 when I get to the actual jail.

And I'm thinking, okay, I'm not going to be here long. You know why? This is going to be crazy to everybody. I am the spokesperson for a bail bondsman company. And

The slogan is, if you go to jail, we'll get you out. Midtown Bell Bonds. I am the spokesperson for them. Yeah. We have like 40, 50 commercials that's running on the radio. Midtown Bell Bonds. If you go to jail, we'll get you out. It's all my voice. I'm thinking, clearly, they're not going to leave me in here. Right, right. So I got to get out, right? So I'm being very arrogant today.

Houston, Texas, Midtown Bell Bar. I'm being very arrogant. So I'm not handcuffed. They don't have me handcuffed. And I'm sitting there and I'm talking to the officers. And I'm like, hey, whenever y'all get time, I need to use the phone. I need to give them a phone call so I can get up out of here, man. And they're like, what? I said, man, I'm getting up out of here, baby, for sure. Yeah.

I'm Midtown Bell Ball. This is what I'm thinking. And so, I mean, they got me in this holding tank. Before they put me in the holding tank, this man said, hey, the CO, we need to get your shoestrings. I said, for what? Because we can't have you hanging yourself. Yeah, that Al Rucker right there. He said, we can't have you hanging yourself. I said, man, I don't know if y'all know.

But I'm on TV. And I'm on the radio. And I'm well-to-do. I'm not going to hang myself behind a traffic ticket. Just know that. That's guaranteed. They still took my strengths. So I'm in there. And I said, hey, I'm talking. I'm like, man, I'm about to get out of this shit anyway. And I keep tapping on the window. I'm like, yo, CEO, say, man, let me get my phone call.

So I can get up out of here. I call my bell, my bell bombs people. And this little young white boy said, you ain't going to get out of here until in the morning. Now, this is when my, this is when my prison penitentiary history kicks in. I say, first of all, hey man, stay out of my motherfucking business because you don't know nothing about me, playboy. And he said, little white guy said,

"Well, I may not know nothing about you, but I know everything about this jail 'cause I've been here 21 times." I've been in here 21 times. And it is 9:30, you not gonna see a judge today. I said, "9:30 AM, why wouldn't I see a judge?" So the sheriff come, and I said, "Hey man, I need to see the judge so I can get a bond, so I can get out of here." He said, "The judge is done for the day."

I said at 9.30, I said, he's done all the fucking judging that he needs to do by 9.30. I said, okay, not going to be all in his business. What time did he start judging? Had to be like 5. He had to start judging at 5. He's like, no, 8.30. He did an hour judging, and that's it. Damn, what is this, Mayberry? So...

Where are we? I mean, this is like. Bezoria County. Oh, Bezoria. So I had to spend the night and I am pissed. So I'm going, I'm carrying my matches, right? I'm carrying my matches on this side and I'm walking past all these sales and there's all these white dudes and I'm thinking, okay, ain't nobody gonna know me. And this white guy beating on the window. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ali Sadiq.

Ali Sadiq. Because I just did the prison ride story. And he's like, yo, man, Messi got on boots. And I'm trying to ignore him. And he's like, yo, man, aren't you Ali Sadiq from This Is Not Happening? I said, yeah, man, but this is not happening. So I'm in there. And overnight, and I remember I'm 43.

And I'm on this, it's the same mattress that they had when I was 19. The same steel bunk. And I can't get comfortable for shit. I'm like, damn, this shit is fucking horrible. So it's this guy rapping and I'm fucking pissed. Then this other guy yelling, I need my insulin. I need my insulin. I'm like, I forget how fucking noisy this.

Jail is. Can't get no sleep. So they come get me out at like 5.20. I'm going to see the judge. It's the next day. I'm going to see the judge. I see the judge at 7. They give me a bond. I call the bond company. The bond company already knew that I was in there. So they already made my bond. So I'm waiting to get out. And I'm just thinking like, damn. And I'm talking to this guy and he's like, yo,

Man, you lucky, man. You about to get out. I'm going to be here for another three months. I said, why is that? He said, man, I just got picked back up. He just got out of jail for serving 180 days for no child support payment. Whoa.

They picked him back up after he got out of jail for no child support payment. He just got out of jail. How the hell is he going to pay what he owes? And this white guy was like, man. I said, man, how much you owe? He's like, $1,500. Oh, my God. And I was like, that's it? Yeah. My bond was $2,500. Yeah. He just paid the whole thing and got out.

And I went back. I went back and I beat the case. But it was my my back still hurts from that one night at 43 sleep on that fucking mattress, that mattress and that steel. And I think a great time to go to our ad, Casper. Thank you. And I think back, like, how did I do it? Yeah. All those years. Yeah.

I was in there younger. Like my body was different. Yeah. You were so young. I'm very pampered now. I got a very nice mattress. Sure. And I've got 3,000 count sheets. Yeah. I got all types of stuff, man. Like, man, prison is a hard way to go for an old person right now. It's a young man's game. It's nobody's game. Well, yeah. But if you go, you might as well go young while your body still can endure. It's rough.

Damn, yeah. You ever do the stint? In prison? Yeah. Ponzi scheme when I was 22. I did my... You ever do it? I've done a night in the drunk tank. Just been handcuffed a few times today. Never took me in. Oh, really? Yeah, nothing. Yeah, done the holding cell, but I've never done the... In the drunk tank? Yeah. You are disgusting. It wasn't pretty either. Yeah, because the drunk tank...

People don't realize the drunk tank is the most disgusting. Oh, puking. It's full of, you know, somebody has done a lot in the drunk tank. I've seen people go to the drunk tank.

And like, oh yeah. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Everybody ends up naked most of the time at the drunk tank because you want to be quiet. They done told you, hey, be quiet. We come in and take your clothes. You throw up on yourself. There's all type of defecation. Somebody done peed on the wall. Yeah. The drunk tank is awful. That's all. One guy cried. It was bad. It was really bad. That was me. What did he cry for? Well, you know, just like, oh, I'm not supposed to pee.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I was like, all right. I thought I was the biggest wuss in here. And then this guy, I was glad he was crying. My the lady who lived in my house, she had to go to jail for traffic tickets. And I never get she's dressed up really, really nice. When she I remember when she left the house, had on heels, this white skirt, this orange shirt. And she called me. I've been arrested. I said, OK, we're going to come get you out.

And she's in this place that takes all day to let you out. And she's looking like she's going to have to spend the night and she can't take it. She's called. I got so many collect calls in like a five hour period. It was insane. It was like, yo, I already made your bond. You good. We just wait on you to get out. She stood up the whole entire time that she was in there. And she was in there for like 16 hours before they let her out. What?

She has on heels and her ankles were so swollen. Wow. Nope. They, they, it was women in there using the bathroom. They was doing everything and I wasn't doing anything. I was just standing there. And she want to sit on anything. How did you come out with a nice white skirt on? I didn't move. I stood in the same place. I didn't eat. When you first go to jail, you don't eat anything anyway. Right. Cause you think you will get out. Ah,

everybody thinks they're gonna get out i don't give a damn how heinous and horrific your crime is you think you're gonna get out yeah i just killed 18 children i'm gonna get a bond they're gonna let me out i'm not eating anything yeah and everything takes so long there's no urgency in jail you know you think there's people behind a desk like we gotta get them out phones ringing you know doing all this shit but no one's doing anything how about uh how bad what was like the worst meals that you got in there

Everything. Yeah. Was anything good in there? No. It was one year, Texas prisons, one year, they took on this thing called, they purchased this stuff called VitaPro. You make it look VitaPro up. VitaPro was some stuff that you add water to it and it expands. Yeah.

Like a gremlin. What the hell is that? It's like a Vegemite. This shit was killing cattle and pigs and shit in Canada. And Texas purchased it. And it came in a... Say it was that little ice bucket right there, right? That little ice bucket. Say it came in that, right? That could feed 5,000 people. Oh, wow. That shit right there.

It's like a chia pet. Oh, it's like a chia pet for food. Yeah. Holy. Those little army men that used to get bigger. Yeah, exactly. Man, and it was made of all type of shit that was causing boils. This was, this, and it smelled fucking horrible. Really? It smelled like there was boiling rubber,

And see, this shit here, VitaPro, man, I should have a class action lawsuit against him. I never even ate the shit. I never even tasted it. That shit was crazy. Let's go to our second sponsor, VitaPro. It's not that bad anymore, guys. It's actually good now.

Damn. That was crazy. It expands. This is like tofu before tofu even came out. Right. This is crazy. So would you eat the bread around the Vita Pro, I guess? No, you didn't eat none of it. They put this in beans. They put it in everything. It was like a... It was like a supplement.

It was like what a veggie patty is now before they started developing them. This is impossible. Oh, it was crazy, man. On the flip side, did you have your favorite food hack there? Some recipe that you made? Just my noodle. Just the regular noodle recipes. You know,

what we call a hot spread or a cold spread. Hot spread is like you would buy canned goods off of commissary. You buy roast beef. You buy chili. You buy beef soups. You buy all that stuff and you'll boil all that stuff and you'll put the Roman, you'll put that in the Roman noodle.

Oh, nice. And you'll make it more, more thick. You add cheese and, um, sounds pretty good. Fritos. Oh yeah. Then you put Ritz crackers on and make it like a, a big spread thing. Cold spread is, um, mackerel, mackerel, sardines, tuna, um,

sandwich spread. So that's a cold spread. Yeah. Hot spread is cold spread is different. Damn. But the key ingredient is cheese and chips and crackers and the soup. We do a lot of peeves on here. It's really hard to go into a peeve after him talking about prison for like two hours. He's like, he's like, you know, this, the food was horrible. I'm like people who talk on speakerphone. Yeah. On the elevator or the app or whatever.

There we go. Oh, my goodness. Somebody on an elevator on a speakerphone. You're like, yo, everybody's on the fucking elevator. I know, right? It's crazy. Oh, that's definitely a fucking pet peeve of mine. Do you have any others? Anything off the top of your head that drives you crazy? Something somebody does out everyday life that you can't stand? Oh, so I can't stand the fact that people don't know. So if you're coming...

from this way and you want to make a turn like in the median. So actually it's supposed to go like this. You're supposed to go to the far end and the other person's supposed to go to the middle so y'all can both see what's the strategy. I hate people that fucking stop short and neither one of them can see. And me, I drive a big truck.

And I wait. Go, go. I'm going to stay there. Go. And I'm not helping. I'm not fucking helping you. I don't give a damn if there's 100 cars coming. I hope your ass run. I hope they run over your fucking ass. Because you should have came all the way down so you can see, so I can see this way. Fucking jackass. That's a great call. Great call. That happens all the time. Intersections. They stop short. People don't stop at stop signs either. That fucking rock stop shit. Just fucking stop.

Stop. Like, why you just can't stop? Like, what's the rock stop shit? What is this? What is that stop for? What's wrong with just stopping the vehicle? I've done that. Well, something about stopping and starting again. I don't know. I want to just have a smooth coast. Well, get on the freeway. This is the right time. People who speed...

through school zones, people who speed through residential areas, people who speed through fucking shopping. If you're in a grocery store, why are you speeding in this parking lot? Like, you're already fucking here. Yeah, and you're like, er!

into a parking spot. I'm like, did you need to go 50 into this spot? It's crazy. No, I'm with you. Okay, those are mine. Those are good. I like all his Houston ones. They're all driving and all those like... I have a lot of walking ones. People are walking my path while I'm walking. Yeah. You're not driving out here, are you? We had a ton before we cut them off. No, no, I got a few. How about this one? This drives me crazy and this might be a lady thing. Sorry, Fanny, but my wife does this all the time. I'll be like, oh...

We're going out to eat. I'll get us an Uber. She's like, oh, great. So I call the Uber, whatever. It says three minutes. And every car, I go, is that it? And I'm like, no, no, it's two minutes away. And then the car, is that it? I'm like, no, no, it's two minutes away. Is that it? No, it's one minute away. And everyone, she's like, is that it? I'm like, have some patience, you crazy coos. I'm telling you, it's one minute away. That's not it. It's a Chevy Bolt. And I'm like, that's a Honda. It's like us with our stories. Is it over yet? Yeah.

Two minutes away. Wrap it up. It's one minute away.

One star. One star. One star on that story. I got a peeve. This is when you ever have that friend who's like, he'll shit talk someone in front of you on the street and they hear it. Oh. You do that under the breath. You don't do it. Oh, that's bad. We're both drunk and a French guy walks by and he's like, you know, he's talking. And my friend goes, I'm like, he heard you.

You can't do it until he hears you. And he goes, yeah, he heard me. I'm like, he's looking angrily at us. That's awkward. He's looking angrily at us. He's pissed. Oh, angry.

He's a total baguette. It's rude. Angry Canadian. Yeah, right. That's funny, though. My friends do that. Hey, man, are you going to make it? I can hear you. The lady who lives in my house, she'll say something loud.

That lady right there is, hey, hey, hey. The lady can hear you. Yeah. She can't hear me. She's looking at you. Yes, yes. She wasn't looking over here at first. And then you said the lady over there. Loud ass. How about this one? This is a comedian thing. You're in the hotel room. It's 11 a.m. You slept in. You're hungover.

housekeeping I'm good I'm in the bed dick out you know sheets up I'm good hello I'm like why can I hear you and I'm yelling way louder than you and you can't hear me what is that shit I'm good don't come in they just want to come in is that what it is yeah I think they get paid by room oh is that right yeah I think so isn't that I think that's the case well if she's coming in I'm balls out you know that's on her

Oh, what's another pet peeve? You ever had a comic that's a young comic trying to interview you? Oh, that's crazy. How'd you get started? Oh, that's the worst. You know, we just did two shows together. What's your writing process? Well, yeah, you know, how do you come up with your concepts? Yeah, yeah. Man, if you don't get the fuck away from me, like, man.

This is a podcast? What is this? I don't want to be interviewed by you. No, that's a good one. It's weird when it's just not organic. It just doesn't happen in a natural way. It feels weird. You ever had somebody introduce you as a comic and you're just chilling? Oh, forget about it. Oh, like in the world? You're just being a normal, regular person. Hey, this is my friend, Mark Norman. He's a comedian. He's like...

Yeah, yeah. You don't seem funny. Tell me a joke. Like, now I'm on the clock again at this wedding. At a wedding? Yeah, it's brutal. I'm with you. You got one? I don't want to step on yours. What, what? Your peeve. No, I just did a peeve. Okay, okay. Do you have another one? I got another one. Yeah, go. Hold on. I can see. I think I know what you're talking about. But...

You ever in a room, just you and a guy, you, it's just you and him. And he, you go, uh, where'd you get those shoes? Who me? There's no one else around. I'm talking, I'm making eye contact with you. I'm a foot away from you. We're holding hands. We're at a bar. There's no one in here. Who? Yeah, you.

It's the same as someone being like, funny you asked. Just say the fucking thing. Just speak. I hate that. Stop delaying the answer. Yeah, right. What are you, a sultan? Come on. Just say the answer. Oh, here's a peeve. You ever have someone, I saw someone post about his wife, I love you forevermore. Forevermore. Easy Shakespeare. Yeah. All right.

Forevermore? Just say I love you. What is this, The Raven? Yeah. Come on. You're pandering. I hate it. Also, it feels like an unhealthy relationship. Yeah. If you have to broadcast it that much. I've been in them. I've done it. It's not a good idea. Comedy pet peeve right now.

My pet peeve right now is fucking comics who put up crowd work. I do it all the time. That's all right. Well, we just don't want to burn material. I'm like, I would rather you just put up something else because let me tell you why. Because now, because it's being a thing, it's an internet thing. Yeah. Okay. So now you go to do shows and audiences think that you're going to do it too.

That is starting to happen. So they like, I'm trying to engage. Hey, I'm not fucking here to do no crowd work. You do that, right? I got to explain that. And I'm like, yo, I'm not trying to make a crowd work clip with you. I have an act. Let me do my act. I have a whole show that I came here to do. Right. I'm going to do different shows every night. Not trying to do any crowd work. Yeah. And somebody keeps...

Like, they keep, they, oh, he's gonna do it every time. Yeah, you can see him in the crowd. We do a lot of short jokes, so I think we need to do crowd work at some point just to, like, mix up the rhythm. You're a storyteller, right? I mean, mostly, I mean, you do bits, too, but I've seen you do, like, long stories. Yeah.

And I think structurally, like, crowd work for us, like, Dangerfield would do crowd work, you know? Like, short joke people would do crowd work. You know the difference is between Dangerfield, I'm glad you said that. Yeah, yeah. This is one of my idols. Oh, yeah. Besides being better than us. Go ahead. Nobody saw him doing it. It's on his albums. It's on his albums. Yeah. You would have to hear him do it. But it's not broadcasted him doing crowd work. Right. And it's like...

Because it was a different era. It was no way to broadcast it, right? So back then, if it would have been the internet, then shit, he would have probably did it. But now, it's like, because it's on the internet, and people think everything on the internet applies to every comic. Because now...

say one comic I hate anything that one comic starts doing for a reason and then everybody starts doing it for something the side the side clip god damn it how many god damn oh I'm gonna show this right here then I'm gonna comment on it god damn it I

I'm not doing, like, everybody. Everyone did the reaction shit. You know, like, here's me watching two girls, one cup. Like, I'll just watch the fucking two girls. I don't need to watch you watch it. But yeah, and then everybody had one. But yeah, there's a lot of that coffee cat shit. There's a lot of everybody doing something. But just think, you guys have actual shows.

Right. Your fucking special was fucking awesome. Oh, hey. Thanks, you too. It was fucking awesome. And when you dropped it during the pandemic, it was like, I was like, yes, we have something fresh to watch. But it wasn't crowd material. It was you doing your thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, you don't put out, like, you do your material. It's separate to me. You know what I mean? Like, the crowd work is like a thing to get people out to see the material. Right. I don't want to burn material.

- Online. - Online for the next special. - Right. - 'Cause that's mine, I wanna own all of it, you know? - I think I get that. - Yeah. - I respect that. I think with me, because it's starting to impede on me doing, so I think it's a personal thing 'cause people think that I'm gonna do it. - I hear that. - Yeah, yeah. - And just like when people think that, I remember this lady said this, this was Friday.

Never forget, Friday, I'm taking all these pictures, and this lady said, I hadn't seen your special because I was coming to see you Friday, and I didn't want to see the same material. Luckily, it's this guy standing there. He didn't do nothing from his special. Oh, that's nice to hear. And I explained to him, ladies, I said, do you understand that a special is different from my club show? I have an actual club show.

And then my special is different. That's why it's called a special. And this is the club show. I have with me. I have a lot of different hours because I have different stories. Most comics don't have 25 minute stories or 30 minute stories. I have 30 minute stories. So if I, I will show to me could be two stories. That's crazy. Wow. You see what I'm saying? So if I, so just think about this.

If I just did my three, if I just came out and did the three This Is Not Happenings. Yeah. Oh, Mex got on boots, Mitchell in the mushroom story. That's an hour. Damn. Just in those three stories. Yeah. If most of my specials are an hour and 20 minutes, hour and 30 minutes. So I tell material, I turn over material at a different rate than most comics. But I'm still judged based upon because I come out and sit down.

I get shit because I'm sitting down. Why is he sitting down? I get shit because I'm not fast paced. People come see comics, which I and I hope that we all make this effort to rectify this.

If you're coming to see Mark Norman, you're coming to see Mark Norman. You're not coming to see Dan Soda. You're not coming to see Don Rickles. You're coming to see Mark. You have to let artists be artists who they are. Nobody goes to a print show hoping to hear a Michael Jackson song. I bet that's changing for you. I mean, I bet like, you know, you've been doing so well. For comedians in general, people come to see us based upon what they already like.

And it's hoping that we're something like close to they already if they don't already if they not already fans of yours. So I'm coming to see Mark Norman. I'm sitting the whole time. I'm thinking, why he not like Bobby Lee? Because he's not fucking Bobby Lee. So you can't come.

to a comedian show, a comedy show, and think that every comic is the exact same. We're all different people. I think the podcast helped, though. I do think that the comedy fans have become more sophisticated because they listen to all these podcasts and they're like, oh, I know what this person does. You know, like, if I do crowd work in an hour, maybe I do an hour ten if I do a theater show or something. Maybe three or four minutes of crowd work, maybe less. I don't do a lot of crowd work in the show.

Unless something's happening and I have to roll with it. But, you know, the material is what you're excited about. That's where I'm like, I can make something with this. You know what I mean? I can make a special. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But I agree. I think certain people... It's rare, though. It doesn't happen to my shows a lot. I don't find that they're expecting it. If I'm doing material for an hour or ten and I don't do any of it, it's fine. There's not a problem. Maybe people...

are coming to see you that's coming to see you. You have your own core group of fans that's coming to see you. New people like D.L. Hughley. D.L. Hughley used to be known for doing crowd work. Like his whole first half of his career. Him and Guy Torrey was the fucking best at it.

They used to get judged like, oh, we don't want to get talked about if you go to a DL. Yeah. So to take that away from the talk about, DL does maybe 45, 50 minutes of material. And then at the end, he'll talk to the front row. He'll tie everything together with the front row. Because he got tired of being judged by. Oh.

People think that I'm gonna talk about them when I come to the show. It's just like the different dynamics of how long you been doing stand up? - 16 or 17, maybe 17 maybe? - 17. - Yeah, maybe. - About to 16, about that same. - So I got a couple years on y'all. 25 I've seen people shift a little different in different spaces.

it's it's realistically comedy is is a black white mainstream thing either you black you white or you mainstream and that's weird wait what do you mean black white man so have you ever been to um have you ever been invited to atlanta comedy theater you ever performed there no

I'd like to. Not black. Oh. But have you ever been to Laughing Skulls? Yeah. Really white. Yeah, very white. Very white. You know what I'm saying? And so with me, so I'm black. How many black people come on Rogan? Well, you just did it. Yeah, I've did it four times. But how many black people are on Rogan? I don't know. It's definitely less than white. You know what I'm saying? So how many black people...

Even my audience, my audience breaks down like this is 15% of everything. Yeah.

Hispanic, white, Asian, other. It's 15% of everything. It's not a lot of black people who have that type of audience. That's true. Chappelle's got a good mix. Chappelle has a good mix. But when you start talking about black comics who have this mix, you're going to go Chappelle, then Kevin. Not Earthquake. I love Earthquake, too. Ah!

But you know what I mean. I fucking love Earthquake. I do too. But not Earthquake. Yeah, yeah. You know, not Arnez J. Yeah, not Samore. You know, not Bruce Bruce. Right, right. Givens. You know what I'm saying? Adele, yeah, yeah. So you're going to be hard-pressed to find a bunch of black people coming to see Dan Sober. Well, we're scared to go see Kyle Williams. We're scared of that audience. You know, and it's a lot of lines. Yeah.

And because of this, I used to... This is my thing. I was always a person who would open for anybody. Yeah, same. Same. I'm like... You can see me... Houston Improv, this would be the lineup. It would be... I would be hosting for Bobby Lee. I would be featuring for Mars Jabroni. I'd be featuring for D.L. Hughley. I'd be featuring for Bill Burr. Wow. So...

And then whoever else comes, even if we the same caliber, I don't have a problem. If I'm off, if they call and say, hey, Mark Norman need a feature, I'm off. If I'm at home, you're fucking right I'm coming to perform. I have no problem that this is my home club. But that should be the attitude of any young comic, I think. But see, but think.

I come to Houston Improv four times a year. I sell out every show that I'm coming there to do. Most comics are not going to come and feature for Mark Norman if they're already selling our show. That's true. I'm going to come. I love that. Because I love the craft.

And I'm going to come just work. I don't give a shit. I featured for Angela Johnson. Oh, yeah. And this was manicure pedicure Angela Johnson. She was on Mad TV. Oh, huge. So it's me, Angela Johnson, and Shane Wayne. Wow. That's a good show. I know.

and I'm shit I'm just as happy as if but the week before the exact week before I came to feature I came to host for Ansel Johnson I just sold out nine shows at the improv wow damn mass majority of people are not gonna do that but me loving the craft you live in Houston so yeah I live in Houston yeah me loving the craft man I'm at home

And it's a chance for me to get on stage in front of another audience. I'm with you. I'm like a fucking audience thief. You know what I'm saying? I will come to your show and steal 10 people out your audience. Wow. They're going to come...

and see me so it's similar it's similar to being like in new york we'll just go up the same thing like gotham someone comes through i'll pop it and do a set the cellar is really where we go up but you don't have a club like the cellar that's a showcase club in houston do you yeah the emperor but it's not but it's usually a headliner on the weekend though right but it's during the week it's showcase you know it's showcasing and see and i've i've i come here and they ask me to go up at the cellar all the time and i refuse why i i

I'm not. I came to do the cellar. I came to do Live from the Cellar. Oh, yeah. I came to do Gotham. But I'm not pressed when I come to a city to go up. I'm always like, is it other guys that you don't let go up? Like in L.A.?

I never go up in L.A. L.A.'s weird. And they ask me to go up all the time. But what about this guy who's been here every fucking week that you ain't let go up? Yeah, that's weird. Let him go up. Right. I don't need...

The practice. Mm-hmm. They didn't go up. Yeah. But what you're doing is doing the celebrity thing. Oh, Ali was in the room. Mark Norman. Yeah. I'm not doing that shit. I agree. What about this guy that actually needs the time? Yes. Hear, hear. And I think that amongst comics, we should support those younger guys who are

need the time. Yeah. Like I used to hate when somebody would come in and just suck up all the time. Oh, you don't do 40 minutes just because you are somebody. Yeah. You hear that Eddie Griffin? And I'm on the fucking list. I'm on the list. Sometimes the newer guys do that though. I'll tell you like it shocks me, but sometimes the newer guys are the ones running the light and I'm like, what are you doing? That's crazy. That's when somebody not running the room. Well, yeah, I wish I, when I used to run a room, I used to run a room.

go ahead and run a light. I wish you would run the light. You'll follow him to the bathroom and make him pee, sit down. Go ahead and run the light. Go ahead and run the light. I'm going to light you and then we have to light you twice? Cool. I got you.

You do know I'm hosting this show, right? And I'm finna go right back up. Oh. Oh, they're gonna get the hot spread. It's finna get the hot spread. All right, well, where are you gonna be? We gotta wrap this up. First off, yeah, where can they find... You killed it. Before this even, where can you find the special? Because I've seen a lot of your stuff. It's all very funny, man. Killer. Definitely check out his stuff. YouTube. I'm so independent. I'm on YouTube. They have my whole schedule up there. I'm at the Brick House Comedy Club. Nice. I'm in Ontario at the Improv.

I'm at somewhere else, and I'm somewhere else. Orlando, Cleveland. Hartford. I'm in Hartford, Connecticut. When I go to Connecticut, I'm also speaking in a prison in Connecticut. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, so this was definitely a refresher of me going back. Yeah, right? You hear that, Rich Cat? Yeah.

And I'm sitting there thinking, this name, I was really concerned about the name of this podcast, We May Be Drunk. But I see how, I see where it comes from, because I damn sure may be drunk. Clip it, man. I may be a little toe up. Yeah, good for you. When did this come out? I don't know.

All right. Third week of July. Stally will also be at Charlotte, North Carolina, August 11th. Ooh, great room. Oh, man, I love the Comedy Zone. Great club. But the main thing is, man, you can go online. You can go to YouTube. You can watch Domino Effect 1. Yes. You can watch Domino Effect 2. Those are my specials. The Domino Effect 2 is the new special, which is...

Probably, and I'm going to say it with other comics being on the show, it's probably the greatest special of all time. Whoa. With other comics being on the show, so ballsy. I know it's probably going to be a pet peeve lately. I don't like when comics come on our show and try to say they're better than us. Go see Ali. Bring him a cake, for Christ's sake. And you're not opening for me when I go to Houston. I don't want you stealing my crowd.

If you come, you come here. So I'm in town. Okay. Okay. Cause now I'm doing these, I'm doing these poppings. Cause, cause I'm bringing back the real guest set. Oh,

Oh, I love a pop-in. So you guys will be a real guest set. People who don't know, you're not a fucking guest set. You're an intruder. You're intruding on the show. If I brought y'all out, people are like, oh, shit. They excited. Like, my first pop-in is going to be June 30th. I'm popping in on Bill Bellamy. He's in...

In Cincinnati, I'm going to pop in on him because Ricky Smiley popped in on me while I was in Zanies. Yeah. And I brought him out first and then he brought me back out. His pat popped in on me. So as comics...

And as notable, incredible comics, we should pop in on each other. I love it. And enhance each other's show. Let's do it. I'll be in Houston very soon. When are you coming to Houston? Sunday. Oh. Literally. There we go. You're coming Sunday? Yeah. I'm in Texas. House of Blues. Come by. You're at the House of Blues? Come by. Oh, now we're talking. And that's the, what date is that? Uh.

I don't know. We'll find out after. I've been drinking too. We'll exchange numbers. We'll come and I'll definitely come to the House of Blues. I know I'm in town Sunday because I'm on vacation. So I'm definitely coming. I love it. Oh, he'll be there. That's not legally binding, okay? That's true. He doesn't have to show up.

Quickly, I got Montreal, Providence, Northampton. You got a bunch of stuff. A lot of shit here. Albany, Burlington. All theaters. Bethlehem, York. Bethlehem? Yeah. Phoenix. And we're adding Chicago and New York. So look at New York on sale November 4th. And Chicago in late December. So that just got added. Nice. And lots of other shit. SamRail.com. And you got a lot of theaters. Yeah, we're rocking.

I can't read any of that, but I'm coming all over your wife's face here. It's going to get crazy. Got Davenport on July 29th. Oklahoma. Oh, boy. Davenport. Oh, you doing? Oh, yeah. Pabst Theater. What is that? The Ace Hotel. Who's doing your tour?

Outback? Outback. You're goddamn right Outback is doing your fucking tour. Hell yeah. Suck it, Live Nation. All right. Just kidding. All right, we'll see you. We might be drunk. Check out Ali's CD. Get some Bodega Cat. We'll see you all in hell. Check out Ali's all specials on YouTube. Sit down when you pee, bitches. Hell yeah.