Ep 133: Yannis Pappas & Paul Virzi
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Hey, folks, we might be drunk. Here we are. We're back. We're back. We're here. Good to see you, buddy. You too. What do you got there? I got this little We Might Be Drunk shirt on. And you got one too. That's a beauty, yeah. Where can we get these shirts, Matt? WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Are we the same person or not? And you also got us. I saw this. Someone posted this.

that I follow, Sunny Delight, Sunny D. Is it like KFC? They're not actually Delight anymore? No, it's not real Delight. Maybe. Like it's not real chicken at KFC? Right. That's true. Sunny D. Vodka Seltzer. I always have to try this. We gotta try it. You want ice? No. It's a seltzer. It's a seltzer. It's cold. He put it in the fridge. Thank you. Oh, this is great for getting kids drinking. That's what I like. Get the youth. Hey.

To a new beginning. Yes. I need my vitamin D.

Not bad. Hey. I kind of like it. It goes down easy. And we're not getting paid for this. This is pure curiosity. Yeah. Zero sugar, 95 cal. It's all chemical, but it's good. All right, kids. If you need to start drinking, this is the one to do. This is like, remember, this is the shit that you're like, if you don't get orange juice, you drink? Yeah. My mom hated this shit. I was like, can we get Sunny D? Me too. I wanted Sunny D because I was a dumb kid and I saw the commercials. It worked. Purple stuff, fruit juice, Sunny D.

Oh my god. When I was a little kid at summer camp, they'd give you the pure sugar water, and I'd be like, this is what we should have in the house. And my mom's like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah. That's not real. There's no nutrition. Totally. What the hell are you doing? What is this, Alec? It's a Sunny D commercial. I'm queuing it up. Let's see. Wow, what year? 91. Wow. They got me with this shit. Look at that bottle. Oh, it's glowing. Oh.

Purple stuff. I fell for it. It worked. Wow. She had a second one backed up. By the way, no kid this age is nice to their mother. That's true. I'll tell you, no, this is bullshit. There's no 15-year-old with a friend who's like, oh, cool mom, you should hang out with us. All right. Oh, yeah.

Guess what? If the mom was hanging out this much, one of the kids is fucking her. Yeah. I was trying to be like, I'll give you some D. It ain't sunny though. It's dark.

I got to be honest. I kind of dig this. It's pretty good. Goes down easy. I'm a sucker in the summer for these like trashy, like, I like White Claw. I do too. I like all that shit. High Noon is great. That's a great beverage. But now I got my morning drink. Oh yeah. So this will be good. Start early. Yeah. It was all sugar back then. The cereals were sugar. The Sunny D was sugar. The Kool-Aid was sugar. It was all sugar.

Kool-Aid. That was the Bert Kreischer ep. We combined Kool-Aid with alcohol. That fucked me up. I was hungover for like nine hours at night. That night, I was like, ugh, my head. Yeah, that one fucked us up. Yeah. A three-hour ep where Bert just doesn't stop drinking. Cut to Bert. He's at the cellar just like, woo!

I was like, oh, my head was popping Tylenol. He's like, you're a fucking pussy. If this were a movie, it would just cut to us at Bert's funeral. We're just like, that guy partied way too hard. Yeah. I don't want to see the end of that film. Well, we're going to, probably. Yeah.

True. And we got to see his movie. Oh, yeah. At least he got that in the can. Good for you, Bert. I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow. We're both doing The Mothership. Oh, shit. Yeah. We got to get him back on here when the movie comes out. Yeah, he's in New York a lot. He'll be doing press. So, yeah, we'll have him back. All right. Just buckle up because it's going to be a long one. I know. That's one. We can't double up. We've been doubling up some of these days because, you know, Mark's going to Australia. Yeah. Doing a two-week bus run.

Great, but it's like, holy shit. It's a lot. It's a lot. But, man, that time off is going to be wacky. We're going to be coming back rusty, and I'll be tan. I'll have an accent. Good day, mate. I've got an anecdote for you, Sam. What?

That was my Australian. That was very good. Yeah, I like the jacket, too, by the way. Oh, thank you. It was a free one from the Netflix Fest. Looks good. Yeah, I hate the artist, though. That's a little cheesy. You know what sucks about this? I was on a flight once, and this lady goes...

Are you an artist? And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, I'm an artist. She goes, what are you? What kind of artist? Singing? Dancing? And I was like, painter. Shut up. You said painter? Yeah, I was like, I'm a painter. Leave me alone. I just didn't want to talk. Yeah, she said, I'll paint you naked. Yeah.

That wasn't Titanic. They painted her. Oh, yeah. Pull up that clip that I sent you, Salakish. Uh-oh. Someone sent me this one. Do you have the audio on? Yeah. I don't know where to start it, but... Wait. Can you make it bigger? Actually, there you go. There we go. Start it over. Just someone sent me. It's a guy singing a song. You can't make it bigger than that? No. Is this a mentally challenged fellow? There we go. I don't know what's going on here. Stand by. We're getting in trouble for this clip. Okay.

What does it say here? It's on Twitter. It says new wheels on the back? On the block. New wheels on the block. Why is there a laugh track? People are laughing. Bigger problems. Ha ha ha!

I'm not gay. I'm not gay. This is gold. This is the Muslim national anthem. Who are these guys? We got to get these guys on here. This is the number one show in Yemen right now. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, man. We got to get them in here. I mean, if I was Simon Cowell, that's a pass. We started. Play it again. All right. From the top. Five, six, seven. This is gold. All right.

This is insane. Yeah. Is this your feed? Who is laughing at this shit? I am. I mean, besides the crowd, I mean. Thank God for the subtitles, though, let's be honest.

Without the subtitles, this is just a hate crime. Some record producer in the crowd is like, kid, you've got the goods. This could go straight to number one. Cut to, you know that sound you're looking for? This is it.

Barry Gordy. Kid, you've got the goods. Oh, wow. This is comedy gold. You've got to be bringing stuff in like this more often. This is really something. Man. New wheels on the block, Peter says. It's funny because... There's another one I could send you, too. They're like mentally challenged or physically challenged, but yet...

They're being dicks. They're like, at least I'm not gay. I'm in a wheelchair, but I ain't gay. That's gold. And they can get away with it. Mark wishing he was in a wheelchair right now. I know. Mark's like, I would push all kinds of boundaries. Oh, yeah. I'm curtailing my act and pulling shit out. Man, if I was one of these guys, I'd have it made. Is that it?

No, I couldn't find it. It was another one that was pretty good. That is good stuff. It was guy and girlfriend on a roller coaster without a seatbelt. Those roller coaster videos are insane where the guy's not strapped in and everyone else is having a great time and he's like... He's so scared. Oh, great. All right, these are awesome. Is that it? I feel for the guy. It's a black couple. I don't know. They're fun to watch. All right, let's see. Give it a shot. This isn't a prank, though.

Yeah, this is it. This guy's already nervous, you can tell. Oh, it's a prank. He's not loving it. Oh, he's going T-Rex. Oh, man. She's having a great time. Meanwhile, we can put the music. I'm not gay. This looks like me and my wife having sex. Except I'm the guy enjoying it, and she's like, this sucks.

Oh, there we go. That was some great movements. This shit is gold. That was just involuntary, straight up fear. Pete Correale used to have a joke about, he goes, when I have sex with my wife, it's like she's tanning and I'm getting in her light. She's just like... One of the first jokes I ever wrote was trying to get ahead with my girlfriend was like trying to feed a kid medicine, like...

Big bit of mine. That was the early days. I remember all my early stuff. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. So bad in bed. Me and my first girlfriend decided to lose our virginity to each other. I bled. I remember that one. That was a big one. I remember my first joke. It was like my English teacher said, I think you're like a young Hemingway. And I was like, because I'm a good writer? She goes, no, you're an alcoholic who's going to kill himself. That's a good joke. That holds up. That's a young one. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's see. What else did I have? That was like one of the first ones that hit. Yeah, yeah. I had a whole thing about people. I say, oh, my license picture. I'm so ugly in my license picture. And I'd go, no, that's what you look like.

That's good. That was a big one. That's a good joke. I remember those when we were doing those, like, comic sets. Remember? Oh, yeah. 14th and 9th, baby. Well, you had that big Sage Theater show. Yeah. Which, for, like, a Brooklyn open mic alt guy, that was, like, heaven. That was a good show. It was packed. It was young people. They were drinking. That was great. I don't know. It was in a warehouse. I mean, a theater. Yeah. That was awesome. I still have videos of that on my app, on my iPad.

What do you call it? iMac. That was crazy. Yeah. I pull those on the Patreon. Damn. Oh, should we pull... We don't have guests here. Should we play the one of our trailer? Yeah, you have it? Can we play that real quick? How long is the trailer? It's like three minutes. Oh, shit. Party's over. Yeah, you want one? I'll try one. Try it. They're pretty good. Purple stuff.

Alright, I'm sending this to you. You can just play it, right? Yeah. Did you guys spend a lot of time getting kicked out of class? Not gay. Oh, yeah. I got kicked out of class all the time. What for? Cutting up, talking, and just saying shit. A little bit of this. Wow, that was a great one. I was a pro. That's Norman Farsh in real life. Whoa, you got that down.

Can you teach me that? Really? Yeah. I could never do it. We got to do the fast ones. Whoa. And then you got the other one. Damn. I had to have all the tricks. Man, that was impressive. Wait, what are you pulling up here? Nice. Good memory. What do you call me sometime when you have no class? You're all right. You're all right, Sally. Did you send me that thing? I sent it to you.

Thank you. So this is what we talked about in the Greg Warren ep where we said we couldn't sell a special that was like a blue-collar comedy tour style special. This is the trailer. Three minutes. Should we play it? Yeah. I mean, if they can stomach three minutes. I think it's pretty cool. Now, what year are we talking? Five years ago. No way. It's way longer. 2015, 16. All right. We'll play it. That's the comedy cellar.

Great shot. Who shot this? Jason Katz? Yeah. Yes! This next guy, you know him from his hour special. He's fucking hilarious. Sean Donald is. Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. This is me, Norman, and Joe List trying to sell a joint special. We're living in weird times, you know. People are mad at men right now.

We gotta make some changes. I'm watching less office porn, personally. Because I used to really like office porn, but now when I see it, I'm like, he should not have done that. He's like, hi to Weinstein. There should be a guy that comes on at the end like, he does not work here anymore. Okay?

That was unacceptable. Put your list, ladies and gentlemen. We had a great time. Me and Norman were too similar. We were at the airport the other day. Right. In Queens. They were playing Welcome to the Jungle. Oh, that was a great joke. At the airport. That's a weird airport song, don't you think? It's a little much. I'm a rock and roll guy. I'm cool. I can rock. I'm just walking to the terminal. I hear da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Hey, can we cool it down a little bit? It's 7.30 a.m. Also, it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight and hear, you're going to die!

Keep that clapping going for Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen. Did we all have sets that night, or did we work this out? No, we worked it out. Oh, okay. This guy would not shut up. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a no small talk option on the end? But there isn't, so you've got to find your own way to quiet the guy. I like to scare him. What if this will be a Jew joke? He's like, how about this traffic, huh? What do you think is causing this? I'm like, probably the Jews. He's like...

I get this ride five stars of David. Had to get a pun in. Three NYC comics. She's like, I don't want to have sex. I said, oh, that's fine. She goes, wow, you're a great guy. Were you a bamper?

I was like, that's all it takes? That's an old thing. I'm pretty sure the alternative is a felony. Can we maybe hold off on that for a second? We're literally playing audio, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. One second. Just put an axe to the table. Jesus Christ. Hold on. One second. More noises.

There we go. Daniel passed on the special too. It's hard to talk dirty when you're married because you have to segue back into your regular life together. You know what I mean? You can't get too dirty.

It's hard to be like, step on my balls and choke me. And then be like, I'll do the dishes if you vacuum. Is that cool? I went to the women's march. That was cool. Although I got to say, I haven't heard the word pussy yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school.

It's a little dark. Every mad shooter, he's like, he was a quiet man. That's what they say. He was very quiet. That should be part of the background check for guns. Like, you want this gun, you better be fucking chatty. Chatty, perfect word. I get very anxious when I fly. I'm not afraid of a crash. I'm afraid of a conversation. That's what I hate about flying. I was on a flight the other day. The guy next to me was like, what do you do? And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. It's not me.

One of my friends is like a big beer guy. He's like, we got to go to a brewery. Like, why can't we just go to a bar? He's like, it's fun. You can see how it's made. I don't care how it's made. Look, I like porn. I don't need to go to a broken home. I think it was a pretty cool thing we did, and we couldn't sell this, but it was, you know, it was...

What was the exact premise? Because obviously it's three comics. Jokes, jokes, jokes. A lot of comics are doing the one-man show type shit. And our premise was just all of us doing 20 minutes hard, fast jokes. Yes. And that's why we shot it like this. And we couldn't sell it, but it was fun even to make it, honestly. Yeah. Well, I mean, not saying it was our idea, but then Netflix came out with the 15 minutes and then the half hours. And this was a good idea. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they wanted... I think we were probably too similar on one show, but I thought that's what was kind of cool about it. I thought so, too. We were all just guys who were kind of throwbacks. Yes, and the other alternative title was Three of a Kind. You know, because, like, hey, we're similar. We have jokes back-to-back. Yeah, but, yeah, you know, fun thing to do, but... It's funny, if you got Berkowitz on this now, this would sell for a couple mil, and we'd say, fuck you, we're going to do The Road. I mean, yeah. We'll do our own hours. It was...

It was very discouraging, I remember, trying to sell this and getting, like, a maybe from Quibi. It's, like, literally like a company that folded in, like, two months was like, we'll see. Yeah. And their idea was, like, we'll make it a series, so then another group of three friends will have a show, then another group of three friends. The secret sauce is right there in front of you. It's these three guys. And we felt weird about doing that. I think Mark and Joe and I were all kind of like, and we feel weird about it because then they're going to get involved in the

Like, if we get to book all the comics, we were down. Which they didn't like. But then also, like, do we even want to be bookers? Exactly. And then they were throwing out suggestions. We were Peters do it for the podcast. We don't want to book people on the podcast. Yeah. And they were like, how about this guy? Or how about this lady? And we're like, oh, they suck. And they're like, yeah, yeah, but she's in a wheelchair. And we're like, I don't care. And they didn't like that. Yeah, his punchline is, I'm not gay. I'm like, you got to listen to it, man. It's fucking crazy. I'm not gay.

I'm still straight. That's cool. That's like sitting on a cock because I'm gay. That's what it reminds me of. Great bit. Oh, dude. Man, good find. Good to see you, Beard Jew. Hey, Beard Jew. What's shaking? Sorry about that. We were in a moment right there. Yeah. We were in a time capsule. You were basically the guy who walks into the movie theater late and he's like, hey, where are we sitting? You're like, shh. Sharon Stone's crossing her legs here.

So, yeah. Yeah. That was a good scene. Oh, yeah. I've rewound that. Did you jerk off to that movie a lot as a kid? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The ice pick. All that shit. Yeah. Did you jerk off to murder? Yeah. Well, a naked woman killing a guy. It was. Same with Gone Girl. There's something hot about a woman being that fucking bad shit. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but like... What was the first...

moment you knew you were straight you're like oh i know mine what is it uh dirty dancing wow feel free to pull this up the underwear scene where jennifer gray and the other blonde lady are dancing together and like kneeling and walking crawling towards each other i got my first boner that i ever remember that was at my old house in new orleans parents were there i didn't know what was happening i thought something was broken very exciting

Must have been like 89 or something. I got a confession to make. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. Well, I mean, it's not great. I just... It's one of those movies where you always miss a couple. Yeah, yeah. And that's one that I know is a classic. It's just a sexy rom-com-y kind of... Does it work? Yeah, it's when the girl... I saw Roadhouse late, too. I was late in a couple of Swayzes. I saw that late, too. Great fun. But like...

And Sam Elliott and shit. This is it. He's watching them. And the music's great. They're all hot. They're all sexy and sweaty. And they're in a warehouse after hours learning a dance. This is my first boner. I just thought about that montage. That it was like, at the beginning it's guy, girl. Then it's a three-way. And then it's a guy watching two girls. Yes, yes. Which is doing. Structured like a porn. Oh!

You might have something here. That blonde is so hot. And Jennifer Grey was so pretty. Remember Tom McCaffrey's joke about the guy who's jerking off in the corner in the porn? Like, I thought that was weird. And I realized, oh, that guy's there. So I have a character that I can relate to. Such a simple premise. So funny. Man, he's great. He is so funny. Great comedy mind. This was it. The underwear.

I mean, come on. I was, you know, a wee toddler. And this is pre-internet porn, so this was really something. I'm thinking of movies. What year did Wild Things come out? That was a big one for me. Ooh, 96, I'm going to say. I mean, Denise Richards, Neve Campbell. It's pretty hot, for sure. Are you going to go off of that? I was enjoying that. Man, that was bringing me back.

Also, it was a simpler time when you didn't have just MILF access at your fingertips. So you really had to cherish these bikinis and everything. Uh-oh, who's this? Looks like a guest. Bring him in!

Happy birthday! What's shaking? Good to see you, buddy. So is our next guest going to sit here? Yeah, there or there. Whatever you want. Whatever, I don't care. We're talking our first boners. Yeah. Wild Things, Dirty Dancing. Wild Things was up there for me. I think just like young Denise Richards. Starship Troopers, too. Oh!

Forget about it. I mean, any of those 90s, like, you know, sexy. What were your, like, early movies, guys? Porky's. Porky's was big. Revenge of the Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds. Although a lot of those scenes are rape, if you look back. I mean, they could double as, like, an SVU episode now. But in the time, I was like, fucking, we've got Bush. Let's go. Yeah.

Yeah, he did. Didn't he give her oral without her consent? And then she decided afterwards she liked it. Yes, which made it okay. You know, he was sweating. He was like, thank God. Yeah, which I guess in Sweden now, you know, it's like...

What's that? They changed the law. Oh, really? Whoa, really? Rape convictions went up 75% in Sweden. Whoa. You need like contractual paperwork now. No. They've widened the definition of rape to include being in the room. Damn. What? Yeah. Oh, wow. Cancel that honeymoon. Full consent. It has to be consensual. It's not enough.

That it was forced. It has to be like, there's got to be like a video documenting that she said yes. Wow. I'm not making that up. That's tough times over in Sweden. Damn. Or good times if you're a lady. Yeah, but I think a lot of ladies like a little bit of, you know, mystery. You better keep that talk out of Sweden. Hey, I'm married. Mystery is a great way to put it. How was your sexual assault? Mysterious. Mysterious.

It's like an Alfred Hitchcock novel. But I don't think a lot of ladies are like, hey, we're in the mood. Sign this. That's right. I'm just saying my wife would hate that. Yeah. She likes a real slam against the wall, you know, drugged, knocked out. No, I'm just kidding. All right. Norman is asking why I order. Yeah, they do. Why are you on Spank Bank? I couldn't find this anywhere else. Oh.

Yeah, the old Jamie Lee. Jerkmate. Jerkmate. Don't you hate when you're in a hotel room and it's like, welcome to Jerkmate. You're like, keep it down. You know, she was a hermaphrodite. That's not true. That's one of those rumors. That's not true. That's Richard Gere had a gerbil in his butt. Yeah. Phil Collins invited that guy to the concert as revenge, and Jamie Lee Curtis has a penis. And none true, right? I don't think any of them are true. Don't forget Rod Stewart drank a gallon of cum or whatever that one was. That was another one, yeah.

Well, here we go. A gallon of cum. Yeah. How did that even happen? I don't know, but this was a movie seller. He's hydrating. A gallon is good. Half his body weight. But back in the day, if a woman had tits out in a movie, that was like, oh, we got to go see that movie. Like, that was enough. Yeah, she had a great rack there. Could you imagine trying to yank to that now? Oh, forget about it. My dick would be like, don't even wake me up for this. What are you doing? You'd look down, there'd be no skin left. Yeah, right. Right.

What is Phil Hanley's line about that? Like, this girl, she gave me a still photo. She's like, I want you to jerk off to this. And he's like, what am I, a World War II GI? Oh, that's funny. That's a good point. Yeah. They could just read a letter. Yeah. My dearest Hannah. That was an old drawl, though. Yeah. So good. I used to lay the magazines out like Calvin Klein ads and then do, like, moving pictures with my eyes. It's like a compilation for you. Yeah, I'd do a compilation and look over here and look over there.

The Amish version. That was back when you needed a VHS. Yeah. And they weren't easy to get. No, no. It wasn't easy to get. And they were weird and blue or orange. Mine was orange. My porn. Before everything was accessible on the internet, you would have to go to a weird bodega and a guy with a lazy eye, I'm telling my story, would sell it to me and

And he would just give us free porn. Free? If we bought one, he thought it was funny that we were so young. We were like kids. So he would just give us – I remember he gave me one that was just like fat chicks. When I was a kid, I was curious. I was like, I want to see. And then he gave me – it was called Older Rod Riders. It was the other one. It was older women. I remember my dad found that DVD and he was like, what the fuck? And I was like, that was a talk. Yeah.

Older Rod Riders? Yeah. That one good. No, yeah. That's what you guys used to pay pouring forward. You'd use it and pass it on. Yes. It was like doing good deeds. You'd use it, done with it.

The cool older brother in every teen sex comedy was like, I bestow to you my DVD collection. And you would – like the VHS, you would rewind it so much and fast forward it. Yes. It would rip and then you'd tape it back together. Wear and tear. And there would be a little slither part. Yeah. And you'd fast forward past it and you'd just have to enjoy it with the fuzz in it. Totally. I lived in a building in college with a bunch of dudes in this building –

And we all had a different unit. And when one guy left, we all made friends. One guy left. And in my mailbox was just a wad of Wii. Remember Wii? O-U-I? Pull this up. Wii. It was a magazine. It was a porn magazine. Wii is yes in French. Oh, so this is New Orleans stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So this was scummy, slimy. I mean, this was beyond penthouse. This was naughty. It's way better than another French magazine. No means no. Which is not good. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Isn't this just like a regular vanity fair for French people? I guess so. I guess so. But he left me a wad of these, and it was the best day of my life as a college kid. There was some of that shit you would do it too early as a kid. I remember the first time I saw Cherry magazine, I was like, I'm not really into that.

I'm ready. Cherry's big. I need to stick with like Hustler or Playboy. I wasn't ready for Cherry. Yeah, Cherry was young girls. Was it? Oh, was it? Yeah, when it was? I think that's why they called it Cherry because you were like popping the cherry. Oh. Oh, I didn't even know. Well, I remember like Club was a little more hardcore. Yeah, yeah. There was a couple of them. Club, Wee. I think Cherry was like teens.

It's kind of weird that teens is still a Google-able category, right? Isn't teen... Well, 18 is legal. But only for two... Then there's like seven other teens. That's true. There's more teens that are not legal than there are... It should be called late teens. It should be called late teens. You're right. Or it should just be called 18 and up. What?

Yeah, why are we tempting any, you know? It's just teens, it seems. All right, you're killing me with this porn here. You're distracting me. I can't listen to you. You look like the dude that goes to the porn store in that dumb hat right now. This was full Muff era. You look like you're wearing a disguise right now. You look like you're in an old jerk theater. Yes, yes. You look like what's missing is the fake mustache you have on. You look like the cops have removed the raincoat to book you.

Just a giant erection. We're like, oh, my God. Man, have you heard Ronan Hirshberg's bit about how we owe Pee Wee Herman an apology? That's a great for doing what he was exactly supposed to be doing in a porn movie theater. Fred Willard, too. He did it. He got bus in a porn theater. Yeah. I guess the thing was he was Pee Wee Herman. So it's like he was a kid. Yeah. Right. Kid star.

We should know that by now. Like, whatever you think the person is or whatever they're famous for, they are probably the opposite of that. Ellen. Yeah. Ellen Cosby. It's just... Priests. Yeah, priests. It's so true. Yeah. There should be a word for that. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Well, like, a lot of clean comics are fucking psychos. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ones who don't curse. Those are the ones you gotta watch. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Keith Alberstadt, look under his back. There's a dead prostitute somewhere in the Midwest. You hear that, Andy Hendrickson? We're coming for you. No one knows who these people are. They're nicest guys, too. Yeah, funny guys, nice guys. This was the muff days when it was just full bush. Yeah. So you could see a penis disappearing into the abyss. It was just like...

It gets messy. The wetness, the jizz in the hair. It's not a great moment. It was definitely harder on oral. Yes. You're doing this shit. You're sifting. Yeah. I mean, muff made me think I was gay for a couple of years. Oh. Because I wasn't into oral because every time I went down there, a lot of the fumes get caught in the hair. Oh. So I was like, well, I guess if I don't love oral, that means I probably shouldn't.

Should check in on penises or whatever. Right, right. Plus you got the muff right on the nose. It was right there. You get hair in your mouth. Even in the 90s. Yeah, I mean, there was no girls when we were young shaved. It was like Kobe in the 90s when he had the little mini fro. Oh, yeah. And then it was like 2008. He shaved it. I was like, thank God. And they both had a chopper. All right. Jesus Christ. But, yeah, he did have a little cute fro.

Jesus, what'd you pull the darkest, what is that, blackface? What are you doing here? Is that Al Jolson? Oh, there we go. What are you drinking, by the way, Beer Jew? What's on the... We're just doing like a little margarita action, but if you want to get experimental, I was thinking of doing like a little cross between like a traditional margarita and a paper plane.

I would love a weird little journey. What was going on? I just thought he was there supposed to be mixing drinks the whole podcast. I just heard ice shaking. I was like, how long does it take to make three? The worst audio podcast idea ever. Just a guy. It's authentic. Is that what AMDR is? ADM? SMR? What is that? SMR.

That's where you get turned on by noises? I love ASMR. What is that? So it's like girls whispering to you. Really? Yeah. It's great if you have a cold mom. Yeah, yeah. You didn't get enough hugs. It's just girls who whisper to you and they help you fall asleep and feel nice. What? I've got to try this. And they make sounds on the mic. They make crackle noises. And it's just like a lot of them are hot. And they make a lot of people tune in. Some of them got millions of views. What? Yeah.

Damn. Because I do the babbling brook and the rain. I've done all that shit, but I never did a lady. Oh, check out ASMR. I do a noise machine. You've got to have something going these days. Yeah. You can't just be sober. No, I put a podcast in one ear. Yeah. Yeah, there's ASMR. It gives you like tingles. It feels like someone's... Yeah.

That's how burnt out we are. We need to go back to just the senses. You know? I think this girl was on Cherry Magazine. Yeah, it's getting... We're at content overload a little bit. Yeah, yeah. We are. It's all... All our rods and cones are fried. I was just walking through Manhattan, and it has a Cleveland-like feel out there. Thank you. And...

I was thinking probably like 70% of office space is now podcast studios probably. Oh, 100%. Like this was probably a law firm at one point. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Norman DeMorrell. Yeah. What can we do for you? Yeah.

It starts out as, like, sweatshoppy, you know. Cheers, fella. Great to see you, Jan. It's been too long. It's been a while. A lot of escape rooms, too. You know, and vape shops. Those took over a lot of spaces. But it started out as, like, sweatshop warehouse shit, like Soho, Tribeca. That was all, like, meatpacking, sweatshops, fabric making, sewing machines going 100%, and then now it was apartments, and now you're right. It's going into...

Podcast. The worst thing you can say about a city is, oh, it's got a Cleveland-like feel. I love Cleveland, but it means things are going a little down. Even the most loyal Cleveland fans did not take that positively. They knew exactly what I was talking about. I mean, I will say, too, hilarity is still one of my favorite clubs in the country. It's great to get a bat that you can't.

Bring on the plane. So random that Nick gives you a bat after you're done at Hilarity's. Put your name and engrave it. Put your name in it, and you're just like, what's the connection between a club and a... There is none. It's random. He's got like a friendship with a guy who makes like wood and stuff. It's like he just came home one night, and my wife just had a fishing rod for me. Right. Yeah. Hey, Verzee!

Another guest here. We need another fourth drink. There we go. Hello, brother. How are you? What's up, man? Thanks for doing it. We're just hanging out. Get this man a drink, will you? Can you drink? Yeah. All right. I didn't know if you were driving. We also have Sunny Delight vodka if you want to try this. No pressure. It's not bad, actually. We try to seduce children with this. Yeah, they're definitely not being subtle about who they're marketing to. I know, right? Yeah. Poor kids. Yeah.

That's horrible. Are you Hispanic? No. Did you grow up on grape drink? Are you trying to fuck the Dominican kid next door? Did you grow up on yellow water with sugar? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

How you been, Paul? Next we got a rum Drake cakes. All right. That was a stretch. Have you been on the road? Yeah. Touring, man. Yeah. You? I'm just still devastated about the Knicks. It feels like we just got on a train at different stops. Hey, guys, what's going on?

Let's do a podcast. Start jerking off. I need a pop, man. Someone choke out a homeless guy. Yeah. I almost saw a shootout on the A train on the way here. Yeah. Guy had a knife. Two cops holding the guns, you know, just like, oh, don't do it, man. Don't do it. And the guy is like, it's just a knife. Just a knife. Then I got on the train. Was he black? The guy with the black? Yeah, yeah. Black. Two white cops holding the guns.

black guy and the worst part was there was some lady with her head shaved and she was filming it like she was a hero she's like in case something goes down I'll get the footage and you're like get out of here let the cops do their thing what are you doing this guy's got a knife that's so bad now that do something means like grab your phone completely yeah they don't even do anything they just look at it they just watch somebody get beaten it's fucked up you ever think about how rare it is to have an unfilmed moment and you

It's wild. Even when someone kills someone or something, now you can watch the security footage of the whole murder. Yeah. The documentary is just him going into the apartment, him coming out, him going to the store to buy the cleaning products. It's like everything is filmed. Well, that George Floyd thing was awkwardly long, how they just watched it for that long. I know. It was like fast forward, fast forward, and it was just still...

Get some editing in here. Come on. Look at the DVDs, like skip scene. I wanted the commentary. Sorry. But yeah, no, it was so long. It was crazy. It was long. No, it just, yeah. It was like the Irishman. It needed some editing. Except the violence was way more realistic. I wonder if the guy who filmed the Zapruder footage, they were like, come on, asshole. Always film and enjoy the moment. Yeah.

Back then it was weird. Yeah. Now it's like, do we not film anything? Four guys who are on a podcast right now. No, we film everything. Yeah. Thank you so much, dude. Cheers. Cheers, everybody. Cheers. Hey, Mazel. Salud. Cheers. Just a little tequila. Yeah. Thank you, Birju. Cheers.

What kind of tequila are we doing? Casamigos. Let's see. Oh, that's good stuff. I love it. Really well done. Very nice. Real nice. Let me just say this. Booyah.

Oh, shit. Oh, did you just shit yourself? Dude, that's a shit your pants. That's what you call an uncooperative fart. Mark is like LeBron. He's slowing down. I mean, years of farting perfectly, and then, you know, he hits a certain age. Oh, dude, I felt your pain with that. That was rough, dude. That was like the George Floyd video. It was so long. But it did happen, but it was... We just kept watching. It was one of those... Except now we can't breathe. So...

That was so play well on the internet. Four white guys talking about that. Actually, that's what thrives on the internet. Have you seen Tim Dillon? He's doing very well. This is where you call right-wing Hollywood. Well, Tucker's out. We might be drunk as hell, I guess. No writer's strike here. All right.

Austin's like Republican L.A. now. Austin? It feels like it. I feel like Austin's real liberal. Like the business, you know? The Rogans, the Seguras, the whatever, yeah. Yeah, it's like tax evading kind of. It's more like libertarian. It's libertarian. Other than the comedy scene, it's a dump, dude.

It's fucking dumb. What are the cities in Texas you guys can handle? Zero. Really? Oh, I love Texas. No, I like Dallas, like the Addison Improv. I like that. Great club. San Antonio's great. You know, great Mexican food. That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. What else? You got a basketball team. Yeah, they got a team. They got Wimbanyama. There's people walking up right there. Yeah. Ha ha.

You got the river walk, that fake kind of canal. Yeah. That dirty stream you could jump over. They call it a river. Dirty stream. You could take a gondola ride and see a Best Western sign. There's a needle floating next to you. People fought and died here. Now fat people wear fanny packs and walk past there. It's awkward when the Mexican goes to the Alamo. He's like, this is cool, man.

Is it? It's weird when you go to those cities that have all those just scooters just flung about. The bird scooters. I'm always like, is anyone worried about all these missing kids? Yeah. Yeah. Is there a killer clown around here? Why are there fucking... We'll find them. We just got to jangle these. Yeah. Children? No, no, no. Ah.

Do you like Texas or you don't like it? I do. Houston's like a little boring. It's fine. It's so sprawling. That's my problem with Texas overall. San Antonio, cool city, but you want to go anywhere, it's 25 minutes. Everywhere. Highway. The same problem with L.A. That's true, yes. You go to L.A. and people are like, come hang out. You're like, cool. Oh, on my Waze it says that you're an hour and a half away. Yeah. Ten miles. Yeah, there's no subway or anything.

You could never leave New York, right? No. But you're outside the city, but you're still here. Still here, yeah. I could never leave. You? I'm buying a place in Brooklyn. I'm here to stay. I just like it here. I go somewhere else. It's fun to visit. It's fun to leave New York, but you got to come back. Right. It's the best. Yeah. Yeah, because if the treadmill's not on, I won't run. In New York, the treadmill is definitely on. It's like a narcissistic

who you're in a relationship with who fucks really good. Yes. But is toxic. Yes. The crazy good, yeah, the crazy ones are good in the sack. Right, the city has an inflated sense of self. Yes. It tells you how great it is all the time and you're like, you're not that great. And she's like, why don't you leave? And you're like, I can't. You're pretty great. Yeah. You're pretty great. Her pussy stinks. I mean, it smells horrible. Always. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, but it's good. It's good puss, but the bags are piling up. Yeah.

I saw a rat run out of it once. This is incredible, man. Isn't it good? This is like dangerous good. He's a pro. This is like, these would go down too good. Oh, yeah. I got a lot of them, so don't worry. All right, keep them coming. Do they got you a stool back there? He just had attention the whole time. I got a stool back there. I was hammered on a plane last night. Oh, yeah? Yeah, from L.A. Me and my wife went to a wedding up in wine country. Ooh.

Yeah, we were just hammered on the plane. That's great. Because we got to the Delta Sky Lounge like two hours early. Two hours early. And they just started making cocktails. Oh, dude, like free. They were just giving purple margaritas, dude. Stacey got hammered. She passed out. And then I just stayed up and I was eating meatballs and shit. I could never get on a plane drunk. Why not? Really? Yeah. It's a great time. Occasionally I'll have a panic attack on a plane. Wow. Yeah.

I get on a plane, I prepare for war. I prepare for anxiety war. I'm like, anything could happen. Don't you think your boobs would chill you out? No, the booze dehydrates you, and then I worry I'm dehydrated. Then the low oxygen. No, see, that's what weed would do to me. There we go. I'm back. I'm back, baby. LeBron year 17. Yeah. Suck it, Curry. We, uh...

You know, I had my first panic attack ever like a couple weeks ago in Baltimore. Ever? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your first ever? I had like a couple bad highs. Aren't you in your late 30s? Yeah. You should fucking call a synagogue and report that after that.

It's possible to go past 35 without having to. That's a fucking record. That's historic. I woke up the middle of the night just shaking. It was awful. Sweating and all that shit? It was the middle of the night. Like you woke up to a thing. I had my first one in the third grade, and I didn't know. I thought I was dying. I was just sitting there just looking around freaking out in third grade. That's unbelievable, 35. Third grade. What's the problem?

Nah, it was just brutal divorce. It's great. I just...

Third grade is so young, you don't even know what the world is. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Yeah. So what was yours? Your bad dream or something? Bad dream, and then I don't know. I just thought I was dying. I thought I was dying. It was like an hour of me thinking I'm dying. War heart racing, right? A woman I was with was like talking me off a ledge, and I was like, I'm okay, I'm okay. But it took me like an hour to think I was okay, and then the next day I was shaken up. And then she... Man, that's a nice hooker. So then she...

Convinces us to go. I'm on tour with my whole crew. It's Veeder, Gary Veeder, James Webb, who films. And then we have a tour manager, Brian. And she's like, we should go to a yoga class. We go to a Bikram yoga class. Which, by the way, I started going to hot yoga. I love it. Bikram sucks. I don't like Bikram. Yeah.

It's an hour and a half. It's the hottest room. We're in Baltimore. It's the hottest room I've ever been in. And my tour manager, Brian, who like try to get deals everywhere, which is like great. I love him for doing it. We have a restaurant. He's like, I'm touring with an artist. He's a comedian. He'll do stuff. She does that when he does a yoga reservation. We go in there. So she goes, I hear we have a comedian in the room.

in the room and I'm just like oh no and he's like do you want to tell a joke and he could tell I'm like fuck you so he falls in the sword for us and he goes I'll tell a joke he does one of my bits this is the bit he does he goes so my friend goes my girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower and I go wow worst baby shower ever that's the joke he tells in a yoga class full of women and the teacher goes well I'm triggered ah

No laughs? No laughs? There was one jacked black dude who laughed his ass off. Thank God for the background. She goes, well, I'm triggered. But then she goes, but you know what? Being triggered sometimes is good. Oh, okay. And she goes, I think it's important to be triggered. And then I was like, geez, of all the fucking jokes, you're like, that's the one that came to me. I was like, all right. Brian, God bless you.

Yeah, yoga teacher. Good joke, though. It's an oldie. It's a good one. It's an oldie. Yeah. Just not appropriate in a yoga class. Yeah. He could have picked so many others being on the road with you. You look kind of like the Jackie Robinson of rape jokes. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah. He was early. Yeah. You were an early cancel. I think of myself more as a Rosa Parks, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I said no, too. When was that? When was that shit you got? It was 2013 when they came at me. Oh, because Colin Quinn talked about that. I remember we were at JFL and he did that address and he talked about that. I know. You didn't like that he did that? No, I loved Colin. No, he was like when I was getting – it was like the first big thing that happened to me and you were kind of like, I was thinking it would be Conan. But –

But here I am getting blasted on the internet for jokes. I was like, you know, they're structured jokes. I wasn't trying to actually offend anybody. It's just a jokey joke. I remember when you opened for Jim Jefferies, I was standing next to him. You did that joke? And he goes, that's a good joke.

Yeah, and I love Jim, by the way. But I remember, yeah, I wrote a response to all these hit pieces, jokes taken out of context and all that. And I remember I knew Colin well enough at the time to be like, would you read this? And he was like, yeah, it's a good response. I would take this one line out. It makes you sound like a pussy. And I was like, all right. So that was Colin being like, you know, supportive as hell. Yeah, it was early on. It's interesting to think about that because it's like history now. You're like, wow, yeah. And you could see where it went from there. That was like the start of it.

That was pretty early. Every article wrote about me, but they were writing about me in the most passive-aggressive way where they'd be like, Daniel Tosh did it too. But then a guy with no career, Sam Morrell, did it. And I was like, all right. Well, I guess it's cool to get even bad press. It kind of worked that way. You got Montreal. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I remember Robbie Praugh, who Netflix now, but ran Montreal at the time, was like, there was no way I was going to, you know, let them win. I was like, I mean, whatever. I'll take it. Yeah, yeah. Do you like my act? Yeah, yeah. I'll take it. Yeah.

But I was appreciative that he said that. Remember that Tosh thing? That was big. That made the news. First big one. Yeah. It was around 2012 where it started. Well, what was the joke with him? It was a heckler in there. He did a rape joke. It was a rape joke, yeah. And a woman was like, that's not funny. By the way, it killed. And she's like, that's not funny. And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if a bunch of guys raped you right now? Yeah.

That killed two. Not a bad line. That's a little aggressive. A little aggressive in the moment. He was angry at her because she interrupted the show. And they played that on the news. So all these people were like, can you believe it? And Bill Burr has the great point. He's like, you can't take it out of here and put it here where everyone else sees it.

It's a different thing. That's like taking a stripper out of a strip club and putting her on the news. But now that's what the internet is, right? If you put a tweet, everyone's just like, it's not your audience. It's not just your Twitter. People are over. I'm feeling that already. I'll be right back. He's going to call his agent and scrub this.

But yeah, you got drunk on a flight. That's fun. It was fun, man. It was cool to just be like up alone, drunk, dark. It's dark. One in the morning. My wife just passed out and I'm just like drinking Prosecco and shit. You had a nice little sober...

Well, yeah. So I just stopped drinking for 60 days until like a week ago. Whoa. So I had like 60 days clean, no hangover. It felt amazing. You're sharper. Oh, dude. Everything in your life is better. I know. But then I was like – then I was at some outdoor thing with like the hard cider over where we live and live music. And someone was like, you want a hard cider? I'm like, yeah. It's over. That turns into 100. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I'm just the one – the thing with me is – and Giannis will tell you. I can't – when I get the buzz, when I get the wheels greased –

Nobody will outlast me. Yeah, I see. Oh, really? Nobody. No, no, no. Nobody. Like, I'll go 7, 8 in the morning and just steady do it until everyone's down. I said he's like a franchise player. He's a franchise player. You can build a team of partiers around him. Really? Oh, dude, I won't go down. Have you gone with Burt? What's that? Kreischer? I never partied with Burt. You would outdrink Burt. But the thing is, Burt would go down before me. Come on! Yeah, because he's got... It's almost like in...

An indomitable will. It's like Jordan of... Wow. He does it to spite. Right. Like to spite life and health. No, I just like the... We were... Giannis was at the house. We had a little party. It's 3 in the morning. Everybody left. He's like, we're watching a doc at 3 in the morning. And I had Lagavulin next to me. Yeah. And he just starts going... And he just saw me pouring it. And he goes, why? I know. It'll be like 4 in the morning. He's like, why the fuck... Like, I'll be falling asleep. We've had drinks all night. And then I'll hear a beer open.

He'll go to the fridge. I'm like, why? I literally go, why? Yeah. It's four. We're watching TV. We're done. Yeah, why? It's over. I'm not proud of it, but there is nobody that will outlast me. Interesting. It's just, I just... I put my money on you. Once I get the wheels greased... Once you start drinking, he'll outlast everyone. Once I start drinking, I'll just... It's just like...

a marathon of like 7 o'clock in the morning I just don't want the party to end but like everyone goes down so I'm just alone I get that and like Giannis is like yeah let's watch a doc and I think he's gonna actually watch it and he's just snoring and I'm pouring Lagavulin by myself that's a great scotch yeah a little smoky but yeah you like smoky scotches how are you as a drunk sometimes you still good

I think I'm pretty good. What do you think? Yeah, we get banged up on the weekends on the road. That's my move. But after shows, right? You're not after shows. I like it too much to abuse it. That's a gentleman right there. I don't want to have to quit. If I become so bad...

That I have to quit and I don't ever get to drink. That's what I'm monitoring. I'm the same way. Does the missing dad ever come out when you get hammered? Somebody goes, hey, you were mean to me last night. I'm like, sorry, that's my dad left. That's when that comes out. I don't think I'm a mean drunk, really. No, no.

I mean, he's seen me fucking wasted a ton. I mean... Yeah, you just get louder. Really? Yeah, yeah. And you lean in. You're like, oh, let me tell you that. But it's all positive. It's all fun. Yeah, Mark is like an old... I feel like we're like drunks the way they drink on Mad Men minus the sexual assault. Right. Yeah, we just want to have fun. We're just kind of like... Crack wise. Yeah, we're just drinking like old school drinks. We get lit up. But we're like... We're pretty...

I don't think you drink during the day. I won't ever admit I'm drunk. That's the problem. That's the fights I get in with like women I'm dating. I just, I'll be like, I'll come home like fucking shit face and they'll be like, you're drunk. I'm like, I had two drinks. Like, I can't admit that I'm drunk. It's like a cop. Yeah. I'm like, I do, but they're like, you, you slurring your words. I'll be like, I'm, you think I'm drunk? That's,

what I'm like. Yeah. That's where I pissed the women off with like just the line where I'm like, I'm not drunk. It's like that city councilman. Did you see that? No. What city? He just got caught sleeping in his car with a crack pipe in his. No way. Oh, dude, that was the funny. And he goes, I'm napping. I'm napping. He had a crack pipe. Dude, he goes like this. He goes,

He's holding it, and he's just out cold, and they go, dude, what happened? He goes, I'm napping. And they go, you have a crack pipe in your hand. You were dying while you were struggling to breathe. He's like, hey, I got sleep apnea. He's holding a crack pipe. He's holding a crack pipe. And the funny part is when they look at his ID and his badge, and they find out he's a city councilman, and then you see this moment of hope in his face, like he's about to get off. He's like, yeah, that's me. And the guy's like, nah, we're on tape now. You got to go in. Wow. Yeah, he's out. Yeah. He's behind the wheel with a crack pipe.

Rhode Island? Look, look, he tried moving it. Yeah. Oh, he checks the shift there, too. We had a plane last night. Wow, I would vote for this guy. Dude, that's that good crack sleep he was getting. Yes, yeah. That nice REM cycle crack sleep. It's a portable CPAP. Yeah. I would have almost felt bad waking him up if I was that cop. I'm like, that dude is having a good crack sleep. This happened to me in New Orleans. I got woken up by a cop. No crack. No crack.

I was, I don't know, 17. My parents were out of town, so I took my dad's Lexus, went to a crazy house party, got drunk, said I could drive home, woke up on Martin Luther King Boulevard. And you know the Chris Rock joke, if you're on Martin Luther King, there's some violence going down. So whatever, I'm asleep in the Lexus, sun's coming in, knock on the windshield, and

He's up. He's alive. Somebody called in and said there's a dead white kid in a Lexus in the projects. Holy shit. So the cops swarmed, and I was like, oh, hey, what's up, officer? And they're like, get out of the car, get out of the car. And I pissed myself. And it was leather seats, so it just pooled. What?

It just pooled. So I get out and there's a puddle there. I'm soaking wet. Guy goes, give me your ID. That's wet. The whole thing's wet. It's all covered in piss. And they look in the car. Somehow, by the grace of God, I had taken the keys out of the ignition and put them on the floor. Oh, thank God. I don't know why. And that's why I didn't get a DUI. Holy shit. Yeah, but I had to walk

home. Have you ever gotten a DUI? No. You, Sam? I should have. I can't drive. I have a license, but I can't. You can't drive? I got a license on like a fluke. I can't drive. That is so New York. That's hilarious. You guys can all, you can drive. Yeah, but I didn't, same New York. Like, I didn't start driving until I was like 28. Wow. Wow.

I got my license at 28. No, I got 16 because I was upstate. But upstate, you got DUIs. We got DUIs because they would wait at the bar. Oh, yeah. And then everybody leaving, they look for an excuse. And you got a bad one. I got a DUI. I was 21, and I was drinking Long Island iced teas. That'll do it. And, dude, it was...

two driveways from my bedroom. So he pulled me up, me and my buddy go there. I had like four long on ice teas. I was hammered. That's, I think, what, 20 drinks? Oh, dude, I was... 20 beers, different beer, different drinks. And I could have walked, but it was just like right around. So he was just hanging out. He pulled me over. He goes, yeah, your license plate bulb is out. And then he looked in my eyes and he goes...

Keep it drinking. And I go, I did this shit. I go, yeah, you listen. I'm going to be honest with you. I had one. I go, I had one. And he goes, yeah. And he goes, what do you know? And I go, yeah, I had one beer. And he goes, and then I came out and I, like out of like 13 tests, I failed 11 of them. And I go, I go, officer, you see that light right there? It's a true story. You see that light right there? I go, that's my bedroom, man. I was like, I'll leave the car here. Can I just, and he's like, ah, dude, I got to take it. Oh.

I gotta take you down. I have a question. Why do 13 tests when you fail that many? Yeah. Aren't you just wasting time? They're like, they ask you for letters. They ask you to walk. They ask you to touch things. They ask you to walk and touch your nose. You do it all. He's got like the chart and he's like, dude, you failed everything. He's like, do you like my penis? You're like, no. He's like, that's another fail, unfortunately. He's like, that's 12.

13 does seem excessive. Dude, I'm buzzing my nuts off already. This is wild. You know what Paul has? He has, like, great energy. Good energy. It's just, like, good enthusiasm. Yeah. You know what? That's why I'm a good Knick fan. That's why I'm a good Knick fan, dude. Well, you guys... Oh, shit. It's already hitting him.

His pocket's going to be nine hours long. Sorry, sorry, guys. No, because you have that thing that a lot of Knicks fans – Giannis jumped ship. Masochism. No, no, no. Giannis jumped ship, which I can't – I love him. I'm here. I love him. I went to all three home playoff games against the Heat. I took my son against game three against the Cavs. It was incredible. I'm diehard. I'll support him. I'll tell you what. You know what these finals have shown me, these Eastern Conference finals have shown me? The Knicks were the second best team in the East. That's what I've –

That's what I like. If Randall played better the first, and he will next year. Your loyalty to the Knicks is baffling. How, though? It's your team. It was my team. Yeah, but imagine jumping, though. You jumped away from a team. I don't imagine I did it. Yeah, because of... I walked away. It was an unhealthy relationship. Who are you with now? I'm nobody. Dang. See, that just shows you. Yeah, but when me... It was so toxic that I... You're like the Incredible Hulk just walking along the highway. But, dude, when me saying...

when me, Sam, Jerry Ferrara are crying, what are you going to do? You know what I mean? Like, we're going to have that moment, dude. We're going to have that. Jerry Ferrara is like you two. He's a real Nixon. I love him. He's the man. It's never going to happen with Dolan at the. Yeah, well. Yeah, well. Dolan had nothing to do with this year and we went that far. Shit rolls downhill. It'll happen.

You guys believe. Damn. All right. You're hanging in there. I love it. Both of you. I love it. Dude, I got my son. We're going to be fine. My son's like, Dad, I'll die. He's like, I didn't. Because I told him, I said, you'll never love the Knicks more than me. He goes, I'll give my life for this. Wow.

I said, well, let's not get crazy. My son goes, my son. So when we lost, when we lost, my son, my son's like my wife. When we, when me and my wife fight, she drifts quietly. When they fight, like me and my daughter, get it out now. Get it on the table now. I want to have a fucking good night. Get it out. My son and wife, they migrate away, process it. So the Knicks lost. He just...

He put a hoodie up and he just goes up to his room and I go, what's up, man? Let's watch the Laker game. And he just would give me a second. And dude, he went in and he just sat in his room and he just, he was tearing and he was crying. And then, and then he came downstairs and he sat there and he processed it. But you know what? I felt like I'm a good father, man. Yeah. I'm a good father, dude. You gotta, you gotta roll with it. Wow. Wow.

You can't jump ship, Jan. I've been jump ship. I'm way out. Well, guess what? We'll welcome you back anytime. I told him that. It feels like I'm like, you know. You missed out on a hell of a year. You missed out on a hell of a year. You missed out on a hell of a year, buddy. You guys are working Scientology. It's wild to hear you talk about it. This is our year. Remini. Leah Remini. Yeah.

And Randall's the answer. And Jalen Bronson. No, we're not kidnapping anybody. We're not violent people. Yeah, we're not kidnapping family members. We're not dangerous people. New Yorkers. We're good people. Well, the Jets are worse. The Jets are worse. It's masochism. Yeah. You just got Aaron Rodgers. You never know. That's true. Yeah.

New York sports baby we're alive we're well the Rangers are going to be back next year New York sports are back on the fucking map there you go loser talk that's such a loser talk let's go liberty that's like you lost a hat after we gave you a beating for it that's fucking loser behavior you stick with the hat

There you go, Taylor. I'll stick with that. There we go. You look like this picture should be on a fucking mugshot somewhere. I know, right? There should be a wanted registered sex offender sign on the street with this image right here. That looks like a crack pipe should be in his hands. Yeah. You wake up in the car, officer. I was just napping. He didn't make the naval team.

You look happy, though. What a happy guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He likes to trash. Really fucking. Yeah, he does look happy. That's like a guy that you want in your corner. Like a Nick fan, like that. You're a Nick fan? Yes, I'm a Nick and a Met fan, so I'm loser, loser. Oof. Damn.

That's rough. Hey, you never know, man. Come on. Steve Cohen is – I'm a Yankees fan, but Steve Cohen is a great – I think he's a great owner. I think things could turn around. Bill Maher sold his Mets whatever, his stock. He was invested in the Mets. Bill Maher? Yeah. Bill Maher watching the Mets. Oh, okay. You're going to make another error. Really? Really?

You believe in God. Okay. There's only two pronouns. Okay. I do like that show a lot. He kind of flip-flopped big time, huh? He's all over the road now. He's a little fluid. I feel like he went almost conservative a little bit, would you say? No. He's still left. He just shits on the left a lot. Well, the left is giving us more ammo, you know? More comedy. Yes. Yeah.

The left got silly. It got silly. Got silly. You know, it's a lady jerking off in a bathroom. There's all kinds of stuff going on with the left. You look at like some of this catch relief stuff. It's hilarious. Like the new laws in like San Francisco, now New York. Like if you steal some, it's like. Oh, yeah. A thousand dollars of merchandise. It's like you got to apologize to them for having merchandise. Right. How has society failed you? Like how much Target is losing every year now? Yeah.

It's just like, how has society failed you? Dude, Adrienne Appaloochee had that great joke when she opened for Louie at the Garden when she said a trans family shooting a transgender person, killing a family, and then people going, how bad they feel for them. It must be so hard for you. What you're going through after this is so... Damn, she's great. She's got great stuff. Yeah.

Louie picked her up because she had that bit about... Well, not literally. It's tough to pick her up. That's true. Louie scooped her or started using her. Sorry. Because she had that joke about the Catholic schools. They put the... Oh, the ash. The ash. And he's like, looks like target practice for the shooters. Louie's like, who's this gal? Yeah.

My new opener. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, she got great. I mean, she got one of my favorite jokes of all time, the one about how her boyfriend threatened to, I probably said it on the pod before, but my boyfriend threatened to kill himself, and I was like, great, now I can't kill myself or people are going to think we were in love. Oh, that's a great joke. Brilliant. That's like a perfect, perfect one-liner. Yeah. You can't write a better joke than that. Especially when you know it's about Chris Italia. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. That's a great joke. It's perfect. There's like zero fat. It's just, well, not on Natalia. But yeah.

No one will get that, but it worked in the room. Sometimes that's all that matters. Sometimes it's damn. Yeah. These drinks are fucking hitting, bro. Dude, I'm fucking. I got shows today. This is our second episode today, so we are going to be fucked up. Oh, shit. But you know what? It just might be.

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So you guys, are you guys doing the YouTube train with the specials or what? Yeah, I did two of them. I think my next one, I'm going to do that. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Yeah, Sal Volcano's doing a YouTube. He's got all the fans in the world. He's like, fuck it, I'll just do YouTube. Rogan's doing a YouTube. Dude, clips. It's clips too, man. It's crazy how it changed. I think I'm going to do the YouTube one. I love it now because nobody would touch us. So we're like, yeah, we'll put it on here. Yeah. Why not? The game has changed. People are making movies just doing it. Really? Yeah. It's going to that point.

Good. Where you're just going to be able to, I mean, obviously you're going to have to have money, but you can invest in a cast and you can invest in the cameras and make a movie, dude. You know what the industry feels like? It feels like the girl who was hot in high school and now she's like put on a few pounds. She's gotten a little older and she's like, wait, wait.

Come back. I'll blow you now. And then you come back and she's like, you got to wait six months for me to reply to a text. Yes. You? Yes. Yeah. No, it's a, that's the problem is like now with the writer's right too, we've talked about this, but you know, things took long before this shit. Yeah.

Like for them to be like, okay, we have to talk to another... Just try setting a meeting with an industry person. Try setting a meeting. They're like, okay, well, is three weeks out from now? And you're like, what? Yeah. You don't have a window before three weeks? That's to meet. And then you're like, okay, we'll brainstorm. Then you're like, well, how about I pitch something? That's in eight weeks. Yeah, exactly. No, dude, it's so true, man. Projects are... We were supposed to get something done by January and it still wasn't done and then the writer's strike happened. It's like...

But people are getting hit harder than us. I mean, thank God we have stand-up. You know what I mean? Like, the writers right now, that's some bullshit. That's your bread and butter. I think it's going to be everybody. And it's just like, pay the writers, dude. Pay the fucking writers. It's like every show that you love that you say is great is because of these writers. Just pay them. I know. I know. I think about that all the time. You know, I re-watch. I don't watch as many new shows as I should. I just kind of re-watch shows. I really love, like, Sopranos, Mad Men, The Wire, shit like that. And, like, you watch these shows, you're like, why do I love this show? It's a

fucking I mean of course the acting is great of course like you know the filmmaking is great all that stuff but the writing is really no it's everything why you're there that's the arc that's the you know why the actors get to be so good yeah yeah I was talking to Brad Garrett about Everyone Loves Raymond and he's like dude he's like

As great as we got chemistry and stuff, he's like, the writers did all of that. But he's a humble guy. He's a really good guy. And he's incredibly – he's so talented. He's a funny guy. But nobody's – I think a lot of it too is just nobody's watching either. You look at the TikTok, the amount of time on TikTok versus even Netflix, streaming services, TikTok is like – It's noncommittal. Yeah. You have to commit to a show. Whereas TikTok, you just –

10 seconds. Next. 10 seconds. So then you're on the same amount of time, but that time was, it was like you went in without a commitment. Right. But that also, that hurts us too, though. That'll hurt us too if you want to put something out that you worked on for a long time that's long-winded. Now you got kids just going like, I want to see 19 seconds of it, you know? The thing about comedians is we're like rats and roaches. We will adapt. Yes. We'll find a way in. We do. So whatever, like, will hurt will also help us because we'll find a way. It'll kill a few of us. Right.

We'll co-headline with AI. Yeah, we'll figure it out. It'll be Giannis, Mauricio, and artificial intelligence on one bill. Dude, during the pandemic, there was cops. There was comics on rooftops. Oh.

Parks, yards, parking lot. Parks everywhere. We're like roaches. We survive. That's true. Yeah. We figure it out. Yeah, that's why when you ever meet those comics, they're like, I don't go to that room anymore because they don't get me. And you're like, you're not going to make it. Yeah. So you've got to be able to just figure it out or make it work. Or like, I'm not going there to fucking do that. It's like, dude, you've got to play the game a little bit. A little bit. You've got to hit some cities that might make you uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you've got to hit...

Every city. I mean, I've done bagels. I've done a bagel store in my life. I've done, I mean, I've performed comedy. I actually do better in the bagel stores. Yeah, bagel stores are great. I mean, we've do, the rooms we did coming up, like, I remember there was a laundromat show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I did a show in an apartment. Yeah. Oh, many of those. Yeah. I remember when, like, someone would see you at a club and then hire you for a private birthday. Yes. And it's a horrible idea, but they're giving you at that time, like, 500 bucks or 1,000 bucks and you do it. You just go in and you're in someone's fucking house.

Oh, I did that. Oh, the worst. Dude, I just did a corporate gig. I haven't bombed that bad since the 80s. It was brutal.

Brutally. And the worst thing, too, I did this corporate gig. Guys, like, I'm a huge fan. I watch everything you do. I know all your act. Can you do this joke? I know my whole act, so I'm like, I'm killing this. This guy knows my whole act. He loves me. He's like, do whatever you want. No restrictions. It's a bunch of crazy real estate millionaires up there. They don't get offended. I was like, great. I go up there. You know, immediately the feedback, like out of a movie. The fucking mic's going crazy. And I open with a couple things about a guy in the front row, and they're like,

no all right i'll go into my act no anything we had to set up and like talk about a bit or like have a you know there's like a premise to it they were out but if i called him gay that would kill well that's what's frustrating too with those gigs i mean you're obviously not getting paid like it's a regular show pay was great yeah but at the same time you do those gigs and i remember like you'll go into a story you're like well this story works for my crowd and then you're like well my crowd pays attention they don't

They don't pay attention. You need to hit them quick. I'm like, this bit, it builds and it builds and it builds. But it doesn't hit in the first three minutes. You're fucked. Yes. So you're like, oh, shit. And the worst thing was the guy who hired me was sitting in the front row. And he was looking at me like, do it. What are you doing? Oh, that's the worst. Show them why I love you. I'm doing it. That's a nightmare, dude. It was a nightmare. I did a private for a guy. He literally sent a special of mine to all his friends coming. Like, you're going to love this guy. They just didn't give a fuck.

They were like, yeah, whatever. I don't give a shit. But he was like, this is the guy. They're like, all right. I love those gigs. It's like the GPS tells you to take the tunnel and there's traffic in the tunnel and then you go back to take the bridge. There's traffic at the bridge. It's like I'll do crowd work and that doesn't work. Then you go back to the tunnel.

There's fucking traffic everywhere. And you think on the way home, what could you have done? And there's nothing that you could have done. It was just traffic everywhere. There was this country club gig and they're like, hey man, they're giving an award out. They give it every year to this guy. He goes, he's a billionaire. His wife's name is Lindsay Rostam. Talk about how she's got fake... Oh,

She goes, talk about how she's got fake tits and talk about this and he's got all this money. So I'm up there and I'm kind of dying and it's all just one percenters. Yeah, yeah. Like ice sculptures and people just carving meat off of a thing and they just came off a golf course and they're all smoking cigars.

So then I finally go, where's what's-his-name? The guy winning the award. So they go like this. And I just go like this. I go, yeah, this guy, man. Talk about his money. I go, he's got his hands on a lot of paper and plastic. And I go, and by plastic, I mean his wife Lindsay's tits. And everyone just goes, whoa, no. No. And the old man goes, no, dude, no. And I'm going, what? What?

So anyway, then I started making fun of Chris Christie and I started calling him a fat. I started doing and somebody there. Somebody said he somebody leaned over. Jason Lawhead was there. Somebody goes, hey, man, we just threw Chris Christie a three thousand dollar a plate fundraiser last weekend in South Carolina. And I start shitting on him. And one old man, he was 80. He was like, all right. All right. Like, in other words. Wow. Yeah. And I had I had a check.

For $2,000 in my pocket, I walked offstage into the parking lot, and I just text the other comic. I go, in the car. Wow. It was fucking— It was brutal. Yeah. It's so funny. You don't know you're ruining your career with roasting this bill. You're like, roast this bill right now. You're like, start shitting on some guy. You're like, who is this? Jeff Bezos? You're like, oh, fuck. I know. That was my life. Also, if it was a $3,000 plate, Chris Christie, he must have spent $40,000. Yeah.

Yeah, I've had these corporate guys. I did a corporate gig for Big Pharma. And man, did I die. And he's one of those bombs where you're like, that worked on The Tonight Show. You know, when you're bitter now because you've been bombing for 12 minutes and nothing's working. And then I eventually hit on a guy's wife or attacked a guy's wife. She starts crying. It's the fucking CEO's wife.

So he has to run out and save her. And they're like, the guy comes back. He's like, cut it, cut it. So they replaced me mid-show. Well, it's Big Pharma. You can get her some antidepressants, I'm sure. It'll be okay. I know. I made a lot of those jokes. I was like, you guys are fucking drug dealers. Fuck off. You notice how it's always the great gigs with money that are just the worst? The worst. It's like, you just say no to them. It's just like now. They're like, hey, you want to do a Christmas party? Depends how much money. Yeah. All right.

You start the car. You just start the car and do the jokes and bomb it up and leave. I remember I bombed a private event once so hard, and I ran into Mulaney at the comedy cellar right after, and he was like, how you doing? I was like, I just bombed a private event. He was like, yeah, great. How you doing? What's going on? We all bomb. I bombed a private, and he goes, he goes, oh. He cheered me up. He was like, oh, you know whenever I'm bombing one of those, I think about, I just think about what I'm going to buy. Oh.

That's actually good advice. That's not bad. You just bought me. You're like, oh, buy this thing. So I'll get some Adderall. Yeah.

That's really good advice. 20 grams of coke. When he said he was doing drugs since 14, I was like, what the fuck? You just don't see that. You never saw that. That goes back to our point before. Yeah, the cleaner comics. Yeah, the more together someone seems. Even he said that. I saw him on some podcast talking about it. He's like, isn't it always that way? Even he was admitting it. I think it was Theo Vaughn. Yeah, that was a great ep. I would have never thought it was you. And he was like, but isn't that always what it is? The guy who you think...

is the opposite together and you're like yeah it always is kind of like that every time there was a serial rape there was a serial rapist who was cleaner than Cosby yeah that guy he would go to Vince Champ Vince Champ and they looked at they got him by looking at his schedule yeah because he was just raping like raping girls it was like tour it matched up with his tour it matched up with his tour and he was like squeaky clean oh yeah yeah and he would give comics shit about their cursing and stuff just like Cosby just like Cosby yeah you gotta get it out everybody evens out you gotta get it out somewhere

Yeah. Well, when you go that extreme, it's like, why? What are you hiding? Yeah. There's a reason for it. I always... Well, to be clean is one thing, but then to scold other people for not being clean. Yeah. That's when I'm becoming a little suspicious. Yeah. Another one being clean. Yeah. It definitely opens you up for more work. It's that holier than thou...

it's been talked about to death, but politicians, same shit. I mean, when you're doing the whole thing like, you know, gays shouldn't have this and you're like, dude, let's just skip this scene real quickly to you butt-fucking a dude. Let me see your credit card bill. Right.

Why were you at the Super 8? What's going on? It's always a motel. Always. It's cheap. It's quick. And there's no reason to be that mad about it. Exactly. There's no reason to be like, how could you be with another man? It's like, why are you getting like that? Yes. Oh, you're projecting your own shit. That's why I love the people who cancel people and then people start looking shit up and they're like, oh.

You killed a baby in 1981. You know, you choked out a baby. There's always something. It's like when they're mad about the drag queens dancing. I'm like, they're dancing. Right. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, but the kids, I mean, why are drag queens doing story hour? It started in Texas, and it became wildly popular, and then other people, oh, it's my drag queen alarm. But, um...

It is a weird mix. Even like a long shore. Long shore men are teaching kids. That's a weird one too. I don't dislike long shore men. Yeah, because it's a nightclub act. That's the weird thing. There shouldn't even be comedy shows at kindergarten.

That's way worse. Even if Nate Bargatze showed up, I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is weird. Well, if you're a comic and you're performing for kindergartners, you've got a brain injury. Yeah, yeah. Why are you... What are you doing? Is that your act? Yeah.

You're not a comic. But it is weird for a grown man to dress in drag and go to a first grade school. Yeah, absolutely. That's just wild. Very strange. Yeah, I wouldn't. In kindergarten, kids. I always think about that. I'm like, I wouldn't even want a comedy show coming to my kids. Of course. Of course. And it's weird that that's a- That's a Louis J. Gomez showing up at my-

daughter's second grade. I'm like, whoa. And he's got kids. Yeah, and he's got kids. I'd be like, nah, I don't want him to watch the show. Well, I was raised by a drag queen. Our nanny was a big drag guy. Big black guy in a wig and all that. And like...

Really? He didn't do it at the... What the fuck's going on in New Orleans? Well, it's New Orleans. It's lawless, you know? Wait a minute. That was like your babysitter? Yeah, it was like our... He cleaned the house, but he would also take kind of... Take care of me and my brother. Well, my parents were workaholics. Yeah. So he was always there, and he taught me how to drive a stick. He taught me how to shave. But he had a wig on and high heels. But it was just normal, and...

My parents were like, you know, cool it with the drag act. Like, they wouldn't want him being like, ba-da-boom, ba-boom, ba-ba, you know? But he was still a hell of a nanny. Wait, they told them to cool it? Yeah, like, they didn't want him... But they hired him, and they were like... They hired him. He was a good guy. He was a great dude, but he... So they didn't want him to wear the heels? No, no, they were fine with the heels. Just don't, like, dance it up. Don't get the boa out.

and do all that shit. Was it like bizarre seeing a guy with authority with like high heels on talking to you? You got used to it pretty quick, actually. And now I can't get hard unless I see a picture of RuPaul. But it's still weird. Like other friends would come over like, what the fuck's up with this guy? I'm like, ah, that's just Enos. You know, he's cool. That's amazing. That's a true thing? True story, yeah. He was eventually killed.

because he hooked up with a guy in a van and the guy thought he was a woman. And the dick came out. A little street justice. Was it passable? No. But, you know, you get a couple of Versys out there. Were you fucked up over that? A little. I was in college by that point. That must have been, I mean, that was like a guy who helped raise you. It was crazy, yeah. It was the whole big thing with the family. That's interesting. Yeah, true story. Did you go to the funeral? No.

No funeral. No family. No family. And we gave him that van. That was our van that we gave him. Did he get it back? We didn't get the van back. There's a lot of blood in it. Who are your parents that they hired a drag queen? They're like the most liberal, open-minded southern people ever. That's it. Yeah. New Orleans people are interesting. Very weird, eccentric. A weird mix of eccentric kind of...

For sure. It's almost like not American, the city. It almost feels like foreign, you know? Like a mix of Frenchy people. Sure. Yeah. French are always into something weird. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's a lot of black influence, so it's a good mix. Well, the French are weirdly like judgmental, but also open-minded. Yeah. Yeah. The kids are drinking wine, smoking. Yeah.

Yeah. They're like way cooler about like affairs and sex. Oh, very sexual people. Very cool. Remember when there was a Me Too thing started? The French had the not me movement. All right. Yeah. We're like, we're the opposite. We're like not cool about sex, but like shoot shit up. We

We want to see things. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Diving Gun Guy shits the gold nugget. That's every American movie. Yeah, we're very repressed when we get it out in other ways. And then you watch their movies. It's like everyone's making out. Everyone's having affairs. Yeah. What about the super left now? I'll do shows for super left. And they're almost Christian conservative. They're like, oh, how dare you? And I'm like, you guys are like Nancy Reagan.

out here. It's very strange. They're supposed to be the people that are knocked down. They're proverbially whipping themselves. Did he say trance? They can't smile. Where's the open-minded and all that? Yeah, they're nervous. They feel like they're complicit. Rather than just seeing a show. Should we do some news? Here we go.

From Gilligan. Dude, I'm buzzing my nuts off. Are you guys buzzing? Oh, yeah. Second show. Yeah, we're buzzing, baby. This guy said he can go all night. He's like, fuck that one, two drinks. Listen, don't get it twisted. Don't tease him. He's one of those dudes that I think gets drunk with a second drink but can have 40 drinks. Yeah, yes. I think he's one of those. All right, this is good for when I fart. We'll get one of these in the studio.

Is Dyson's air purifying a Bane mask a breath of fresh air? See, my wife has breathing problems, so I'm going to get this for her, but really it'll just double as she can't talk. What the fuck is this? It's hard enough to meet a person. Now they're wearing this shit. I thought we were done with masks. Yeah. Yeah.

We should be, though. Like, when I see a person wearing a mask now, I'm like, that should be illegal now. I almost feel threatened. I'm like, are they about to rob a store? That's over. You can't just. Oh, yeah. You should have to paint the rest of their face on there so you can be identified because you're like, now you're a bandit. Right, right. Dude, LAX yesterday packed with masks. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Well, if they're Asian, I let it slide.

No, these were like, actually, I saw all different black couples walking masks. Interesting. I thought he was going to be like, no, these are actually normal people. These are people you don't want to be filing against. It is weird. The Bane mask is... These were real people. These were people. That's a weird... It's a weird... Not Asian, they were people. Right.

I don't understand why you can't... Is this... You wear this out in public or do you wear this at home only? Well, we have a cat and my wife's allergic to cats. Yeah. But she just loves cats because she's allergic to them. It's kind of a weird paradox. So should I throw that thing on? Yeah. I was like, should I get you this? She's like, well, look at this. She can't breathe. You're yapping it up too. You're like, throw the Dyson on you, fucking yapper. Exactly. Stop yapping. Okay, there's another story here. There's China's backlash against a comedy... Against a comedy... I saw this shit.

There is fear of a clampdown. One joke by a Chinese comedian. Hold on a second. Fear of a clampdown? You're in China. You're like, whoa, things are getting a little sensory. Where's our daughter? Fear of a clampdown coming. You can't even, you're not allowed to look at the internet over there.

A $2 million fine, a police probe, and a sweep of canceled shows. $2 million fine? What the fuck is wrong with this comic, dude? Know your audience. Yeah, right? You want to go to a fucking yeshiva and do Holocaust jokes? Move here. I would, actually, but yeah, sure. Yeah, you could do it. But it's like, you're in China. Death to the West jokes. That happened on Mike Warren. Taiwan's Chinese jokes. That's it. Yeah, that's it. What are you, crazy? Move here and open for Ali Wong. Yeah. Well, you know what it is? It's like they say...

something like it's somewhat free speech in China. I'm like, well, that ain't free speech. It's like it's free speech in China the way it's like free speech with your girlfriend. It's like there's certain shit you can say and then shit where you're like, yeah, I'm fucked. Right, right. They're not allowed to search certain things on Google. Yeah, they can't. They can't get on sites and stuff. And they have a limited amount of time with TikTok, which is weird because they invented it.

They must be so annoyed with us complaining what we could talk about. I know. It's not true. Like these Brooklyn comics. Their TikTok is different. They show... Yeah, it's different. It's completely controlled. Oh, it's like engineering videos. Oh, science stuff. And we're just like, work, work, work, work. Is she 14? Too old. Swipe.

I mean, this is a new, this is sad. I mean, China was already, this is a new low main. We can't trust China. They've already built the wall. Yeah, they got it done.

They got it done a long time ago. Yeah. I wonder if there's still someone in China like, cancel culture's not real. You're like, bitch, I got to pay two million over here. Can I get a top off? Absolutely. In China, our podcast is called They're Totally Not Drunk. Yeah. No, seriously.

I blame the comic. I just blame the comic, yeah. Because he should have known better. Just know your audience, man. Well, you know Veer Das. He's an Indian comic. He's got like 12 lawsuits going. It's insane. If you haven't heard of Veer Das' episode, great episode. I mean, crazy. Fascinating guy. It's not going to be a comic that changes it, though.

No, no, no. It's not going to be like, there's not going to be no comic who's up there who changes a culture. I don't know, dude. Lenny Bruce, he pushed back. I mean, he did. It was the conservative right back then. Now it's the left. True, true. He's like Dick Jokes Jesus. He kind of is. He's the guy for us to be able to say fucking whore and cunt and stuff like that. Yeah. Cocksucker. That's what he went to jail for. What? Cocksucker? Cocksucker, yeah.

It does say in China that stand-up comedy is a rare refuge for free speech. Yeah, but we say that shit here. It's the last bastion. Only time you hear the word bastion. Do you know in Scandinavian countries they kind of look down at comedians? They look down at comedians here. I mean, not like blue-collar regular people, but I feel like the industry. We're the lowest on the totem pole. Oh, yeah, show business for sure. But I mean, we still get to be stars and people excited over there. They're like...

They look down because they're so educated and they just – it's not a lofty profession. Thank you, buddy. Thank you so much. Well, I mean it's kind of like how it was in the court yesterday. Thanks for having me. I love it, buddy. I think they kind of – they more accurately see us for who we are. Yeah, yeah. It's like we're still a guy who – you're a guy who shit his pants in New Orleans. Exactly. Your dad didn't say hi. How about here? Yeah.

Your dad also didn't say hi. My mom didn't say hi. We're fucking broken toys. Yeah, yeah. But that's what's fun about us. But we're having a good time. That's the thing. This is a fun life. It's great. I'd rather be here than there. I don't want the celebrity. I don't want to be fucking... No, comics are the most down-to-earth,

They really are really close. That's what makes it, when you guys, you guys being successful is tough. It's weird. It starts getting weird a little bit. I don't like it. I want to go back. Yeah. It is a blue collar art form. It is. Because you've got to just grind, grind, grind, go back to work, go back to work, fail. It's a lot of failure in this.

But weirdly, like, but even, like, if you think about it, even, like, being a Broadway actor is weirdly, like, blue collar. The work you have to do, the work ethic you have to have is insane. Yeah, but they're throwing them flowers and shit. Of course, it's a different energy, of course. But, but...

There's no one doing Othello like in a bar outside of New Hampshire. Fair enough. Fair enough. But I'm just saying like the work you have. Maybe blue collar is the wrong word, but like the work ethic you have to put in. Yeah. I mean, have you ever gotten like a Broadway show? These dudes are fucking insane. Oh, it's incredible. It's incredible. But I feel like they get respect. They have assistants. They work out. They only do six months out of the year. I think it's a little more pampered.

Fair enough. We can go on drunk. There is a difference. That's true. That's the other thing when I did America's Got Talent. I'm like, these people are stretching and trying to get ready. I'm like two beers in. I'm like, all right. Sometimes we go up with no show. Yeah, yeah. We are kind of the lowest. We go up there and talk.

Yeah. Sometimes we're not even doing jokes. We're just like, where are you from? Yeah, but we also forget, though. You also forget sometimes you have a killer bit or like that bit you said about Adrian with that thing. Brilliant. Yeah, so like sometimes it's a really smart. So the whole thing of like traveling clowns. I was talking to maybe Brett Ernst or somebody like, oh, we're clowns. It's like, yeah, well, clowns really don't make you think. That's true. Comedians make a good joke.

bit or something that really you know as much as you want to say it's a low art form did you it's a smart thing I love how it bothers you at the lower no no no pride yeah that's a Sicilian pride no no but here's the thing it's a kind of no but here's the thing because Soder was on Soder was on a podcast we're talking it was like you know because Jessica's like I'm a traveling clown or I'm a and so there's like yeah we're traveling clowns I go yeah but clowns don't make you think all the time I agree and you could do a bit like

Richard Pryor has done things where you're just like, dude, that's so fucking brilliant that that's... You could say it's the lowest form, but not many people are doing that. Yeah, yeah. And how many people on the road go like, you got me through it, my mom died, you got me through it, you're a joke. I was going to kill myself.

being I like being thought of as a traveling clown and then hopefully exceeding expectations yes as opposed to the opposite where they raise us up and then we have to then they're like that's it yeah you don't want us being in like almost us not liking compliments yeah saying so you're just like but

But you are kind of – when somebody goes, hey, man, that one bit, dude, is so funny and I really love – that's a thing, dude. That's huge. It's a social service we do. We're social workers. Yeah. We're roofing. We're roof social workers. You sounded very Jewish when you said that. We're social workers. It's a social service. It's a social service we're doing. Are you finishing the news for us, Peter? Are you mic'd? Yeah. We lost the skipper. Yeah. He didn't even say bye. It's a three-hour pod.

This is a weird mix of producers you got. We got a whole thing. You got like the prototypical football fan. This is a fucking hang. A drunk sailor and a metrosexual Jersey bartender. There's a three random male generic stereotype. This is a sick white man. Yeah, white men is the common thread. Oh, no. Oh, dude.

That would have been all right. Well, they got to be on time. You should get your Nick friend, like your Nick friend comic friends here and watch Nick's like game. And do it and call it real. Oh, do call it. In real time. That'd be fun, dude. That would be fun. That would be pretty fun. All right. A teacher in Florida is under investigation for misconduct. God, these kids today got it made. Under the states don't say gay laws. After they showed the film Strange World. Oh, never mind.

I don't even, I don't even, I don't know the movie. I've never heard of the movie, but. Every Disney movie has a gay character. Jafar, basically every villain. Is there all gay? Well, that one executive admitted it. There was one, there was one woman executive. She goes, listen, she goes, I wanted to put, you know, I wanted to put that in, in there. And like she was getting some like, you know, some kind of.

I guess backlash a little bit. Oh, she went a little inclusive with some gay stuff. Because I think she might be... She might be a lesbian. She might be a lesbian, so she wanted the characters to be like her and stuff like that, but it's... But why is this a news story? I mean, this is like... Are they eating each other's ass? Or is there just a gay character? Right. How do they know the character's gay? Right. He might say it. I don't know. You could watch a Disney... Did he come out with Tina Turner tickets? You could watch a movie and know. Like, how do you... But that's the thing. It's like...

They shouldn't be talking about sex in Disney movies. So it's like, are they just assuming the character's gay? I don't know. Because it's like, hi, I'm the wizard. But yeah, they're all gay. The seven dwarves, you know, Scar from Lion King is super gay. It is weird how sexual shit is happening around kids. You can't kind of deny that that's kind of, you know, like we were talking about before with the drag queen thing. It's around kids a bit. It's weird. Mark and I aren't dads. You guys are dads. I mean, I...

I don't know. For me, I just like, I don't really watch kids movies. Here's the deal. I thought it was like being blown up, right? And then I was doing a show. No, I'm joking. I was in Jersey doing a show. It was like during the pandemic. It was an outdoor show. And I saw one. You saw what? It was like seeing a bobcat. What? I saw a drag story out. Oh. I saw one live. What? Yeah, it's like seeing a bobcat or a black person in our neighborhood. It's like, whoa, I finally saw it. Like.

And so I watched it. So you got firsthand experience. I got firsthand experience finally seeing it. I got to say. Disturbing. It felt forced. Right. It felt weird. It felt like, what is going on? It just makes a little kid go, what is mommy? Why was that man dressed like that? That's an honest question. Well, here's what I witnessed. I witnessed the kids being kids, right? Yeah, but you know, here's what I say to that. Why is that man dressed like that?

I grew up in New York City. It's like, who gives a shit? I'd see that all the time and my mom would just say, well, that's how they are. Well, this is why I agree with you. I didn't have like a moral objection to it per se. It just felt forced. But why was it at school? I guess the question is, why is it at school? It wasn't at school. It was an outdoor event. So I don't know if it was affiliated with school, but it was definitely drag queen, gay...

like story time and music and like there's kids, it felt, it does feel like a pushing of a thing. Right, right. You know, like oppressed people do that. They get a little louder. We hear now they like want to. Sure. Because the kids are not paying attention. The kids are being kids. Yeah. The kids were all like looking at each other, playing around, running around. And you just saw these drag queens like trying to get their attention. But kids are like picking their nose, throwing shit at each other because they're four.

They don't want to watch a concert. Yes. And so it was just like – and the parents were like overly going like, yeah, yeah.

So it was like a concert for the parents. Where were you? This was in New Jersey. Well, they're kind of signaling. Like, we're on board. Exactly. Yeah. Because I think that's the type of parent who brings their kid to that event. Got it. I was like, I want people to see me with my kid here. Yes. Because there's going to be no neo-Nazis in my periphery. Right. We're an accepting family. You're sending a message. It's fake. Yeah. I get the force thing. It's like when you watch a movie where the female star is beating up all the guys. You're like,

I get what we're doing here. We have to pretend like this lady can fight 38 dudes who are bigger than her. And nobody's mad at drag queens. No. It's just that doing that, pushing it into school just doesn't seem necessary. It's a nightclub act. It really is. You know what's funny? When people say it's pushing schools, what does that mean? There is a whole thing called the drag school. In New York, there's a drag queen story hour or something where they go to schools and they do it on ferries and they like –

Very easy. Drag queens read books to kids. Yeah. So drag queens will come in and they'll do like splits and they'll be like, hey, kids. You know what's funny, though? You know how honest kids are when they're young? They're like a little mean. I love that. You know there's going to be some kid going, you're a man with a dress. No, no, no. You're a man with a dress. Mom's going, don't say that. He's going to call her her. He's like, I can't call her her. He's got a beard. Yeah. His name's Dennis. Right. By the way, the kids just sound like an anchor on Fox. That's all it is. Yeah.

I'm like, I think he just got an hour show. That's a crazy looking drag queen, though. They don't all have to look that insane, by the way. But yeah. All right.

That's fun. Weird times. It's dragstoryhour.org. So it is happening. Weird times. Yeah. It is happening. We should book one. Yeah. It could be interesting. I'd love to ask questions. I'm curious. I'd love to get to the bottom of it. Hey, I would love it. It's fun. Drag shows are fun. But I do understand other people's points of like why in school. I do get that. Of course. I understand that. And my point, again, because I know people may get upset. My point is just like I wouldn't even want comedy in a school. Right. Nothing that's like.

Right. It just seems pushed and forced when it's not necessary. It's not against them. It's for adults. Yeah, yeah. I hear you. You know, drag queens don't go out there with, like, librarian outfits on. Sure. Wasn't there, like, a Wesley Snipes movie with drag queens when they ran out of a bar? Too Long Foo with Thank You for Everything Julie Newmar. Never seen it. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, no, it's a fun movie. Wesley Snipes, Kurt Russell, and I think John Leguizamo. I don't know it. Yeah, it was a show in the 90s or a movie in the 90s about drag queens. Good times.

All right. We got a Twitch streamer went viral after being banned from the platform. Now we're talking. For running a queefing for sex live stream. Oh, my God. We should get her in here. I want to challenge her with some farts. Yeah. Dude, that's like how, isn't that how like Howard Stern got big ratings? What's the problem here? I don't understand. I don't get it. Let her queef. Yeah, let her queef.

Queef it up. That's a good shirt. Let her queef. Yeah, I'm pro-queef. Where did you find this article? The Wall Street Journal? Where are we pulling this from? Pop Crush. Whatever that is. What the hell? Where did we get these articles? Queefing for subs? Did the captain just fucking die? Where is he? He had to undo the boats. He didn't come back. Yeah, he's at the schooner.

Yeah. But, no, I mean, you know, it's weird that you're not allowed to queef on Twitch. It's Twitch. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? You can fart, but you can't do that. Yeah. Why is it bad? What about OnlyFans? Is that the same thing or no? No, that's where she went to go queef it up.

Queef it up. Yeah, good for her. Queef Latifah. That's her handle on Twitter if you want to look her up. This is American. Again, it's like you go and you watch 9-1-1 call videos. Yeah. And it's no problem. But if you queef, you've got to get banned. Great point. I saw one of the tweets. It was like, we need to normalize women. I'm like, normalize? This isn't MLK. Maybe dial it back a little. Cool.

Queefs are great, though. I love a queef. Pussy farts. Yeah, I mean, they are. It means you're doing well. I mean, I don't know if I would call them great. Well, they're funny. They should teach kids how to queef. They're funny unless your dick causes one. Oh, is that bad? Because when your dick causes one, that means there's a lot of air around it. It's too small. Ah, well, now you just ruined my day. I'm the queef king. Yeah, a queef is sort of like a small dick alarm. The more they queef, that means your dick is not really filling up what you need to be. Really? Yeah, it means there's air around it.

Oh, damn it. I haven't heard a queef in years, by the way. I queef every time. I've heard a few. All right. You're doing all right downtown. I'm average. All right. That's what I thought I was. Yeah. I love when guys go, I never had any complaints. It's like a woman's going to go, oh, I'd like to make a complaint. Can I speak to a manager here? I ordered two more inches of dick.

Two more fingers. Would you take a bigger dick or going longer? Or like... Bigger dick? Bigger dick, dude. What kind of question is that? Bigger dick or what? Jesus Christ. Going or lasting longer. Like if you had a... Oh, yeah. No one cares about lasting longer. What's the laughing... That's like from her perspective. I'll take the bigger dick. I don't care.

don't care if I last longer. No, but I'm talking about like you can't give like you know how depressing it's going to be for you to every time every time you're going to do 20 seconds. I could still eat her pussy. I don't have to use my dick for that. And you jerk off before you get a Viagra. The lasting longer thing is like almost a nuisance.

Yeah. Well, too big. Wait a minute, though. You don't go too big. Really? Like, you want to give a little... If you last too long, though, then she's, like, annoyed. How often do you go, like, when she's trying to talk sexy, like, I want you to come, and you're like, you're not enjoying this. No, I know. There's a lot of that. What do you think the average is? Like, six, seven minutes average?

Six, seven minutes. It depends on condom or no condom. There's a lot of factors. How hot the girl is. Yeah. How drunk you are. That's a big one. That's a big one. You want Coke? Is she making fun of you for being adopted? There's a lot of factors here about whether or not you're coming. Is her stubble showing? Did I say that out loud? Is she a drag queen? Yeah.

Right, right, right. The wheelchair. You know what's funny is when you try to ignore the truth of stereotypes, but it's in your face and you can't help it. True for a reason. Like I played basketball, I'd be in the locker room, and it's just, it's true. The black dick. I mean, it's just. It's crazy. They're just uncomfortably big sometimes. Yeah. And I've never seen, you know, I've seen like big white dicks. They're out there. They can be up there, but like when they're big.

It's like they're black. When they're like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. But maybe it's just my tiny dick talk, but I've heard a lot of ladies like that. The big ones, they hurt. They can't be. It's a myth. We don't like it. Yeah, that could be just, I don't know. This is why I proposed. Yeah. But I mean, dude, I've seen some uncomfortably big black dicks. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. That's just on my desktop. Yeah. Yeah.

But also there's some math involved, too, where you're like, all right, I'm looking at that guy's dong. It's 46 inches. But how long till we hit the sternum here of a lady? You know, like how far can you really put that in logistically? Well, Theo Vaughn actually had a theory. Please. In the culture, he feels like the dicks correlate to the ass size.

I've heard this from a black guy. I heard this. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I don't know if that's a theory. I thought it was funny. But then I was I gave some good theory like Isaac Newton. Yeah. I don't know if that's a theory. But that explains the Asian. That's it. That's what he said. The Asian small. No asses flat. Well, women's white asses are getting bigger. So maybe white dicks will get bigger as well.

You know? With evolution. It's an interesting theory. I like it. I had a black guy tell me that. Yeah. Because you got to get past the ass. Right. To inseminate. Right. I don't know if I can get there. Yeah. I don't even know if I can get there, dude. I know. My dick would have to wear lifts. I'd have to be on the shoulder of another dick in a raincoat. It's like a rush hour on a Sunday getting back in the... I don't even know if I'm going to make it. I don't even know if you're making it. Wow. Okay. It can stretch to four to eight inches.

Who is this? I heard eight was the max that you could give it. Oh, eight is a woman. Yeah. Oh, all right. Interesting. I hope she doesn't get too aroused.

I think there's something just small dick dudes created to make us feel better. Only the first two inches are sensitive. Dude, that baby dick thing is brutal. What's that? That condition that dudes have where they have a dick that's like a micro dick. Hitler, right? What? Hitler had a micro dick. No, did he have a micro dick? He probably did. I know he had one ball. That explains a lot of anger. You don't do that with a big dick. You don't give speeches that angrily. Yeah, if you have a big dick. That's true. True. Yeah, you just don't.

But that micro dick is tough when it's like one of those things on a roulette wheel where you can't even tuck it. Bet on black. Don't go there.

All right, last story. A girl discovered her stepfather is her biggest OnlyFans supporter, spending over $2,000. Oh, my God. How about a thank you? Yeah. How about a thank you? You're welcome with the money. Yeah, but there could be something behind it. You got to figure out what that is. Guy's living with her. And it broke up her wedding with her mother. Oh, wow. She's pretty hot. Worth it.

Damn. I mean, that's definitely a tough conversation with your mother. Like, Mom, your boyfriend's looking at pictures of me naked on the internet. She's like, there are pictures of you naked on the internet? She's like, one thing at a time. Let me ask you a question, though. If you date a woman and you found out her hot legal daughter...

Her hot legal daughter. Look at that ass. OnlyFans page. How do you not? My question is, how do you not? There's not even a chance. That's horrible. How do you not what? You can't do that. How do you not order it and look? How do you not? You can't do that. It's too tempting. You can't do it. You can't not do it. You can't do it. No, you can't do it. No, you can't do it. What are you guys? Gay? What are you talking about?

I mean, it's just too good. Are you a glutton for punishment? Are you out of your mind? I'm dating her. Are you nuts, dude? It's my stepdaughter. Do you know how creepy that is? What's creepy about that? Sneaking to look at the woman that you're dating's daughter naked? Woody Allen did this, but minus OnlyFans. Well, his was a little bit...

This is a little different. He was more of a father figure to her. Sure. When did he... He married her, though. Made an honest woman out of her. And they're still together. So who's got the real... I think he's still with her. Good point. But she's pretty hot. She is attractive. She's very hot. I mean, Angelina Jolie and... They're on their second go. Ben Affleck. Yeah. And Young Fee and Woody are still together. What's her name? Sung Fee? Yeah.

Sunyi. Sunyi. But I have a question. Is everyone on fucking OnlyFans? Yes. Oh, yeah. Because I hear about this all the time. Yes. And I've never done it. I've never clicked on it or anything, but it's amazing. There's another thing on the internet called porn. I've never even heard of it. I've never even heard of it. I'm not... No, I know what it is. I have no idea what it is. I've never...

I'm serious. There's enough porn on the internet that if I need a look, I can look. It's fine. Dude, you could get off tour if you put pictures of your feet up there. My feet? No, I don't think so. You want to see Carrie Fian's feet. It's five bucks a month. I've seen her in a flip-flop. I'm good. I don't want it. She's got like 20 grand a month. Oh, she's killing it. She's killing it. But you know...

It's just – it's weird. But I read this article and it was like she was complaining like, yeah, my stepdad – she was like, we narrowed him down to six suspects. Like it's a fucking Knives Out or something. But we narrowed it down and she goes – and I knew – and it was him who watched me fuck my boyfriend for weeks on the internet. And I'm like, I got a great idea for you. Maybe stop fucking your boyfriend on the internet. That might be the solution. Stop putting it out there if you don't want –

creeps to watch. I mean, why are you turning away good paying customers? Yeah. I bet she kept the money too. She wasn't like, here you go stepdad. I'd be upset if he pirated it. She lives with him, dude. Yeah, but it's a stepdaughter. He's dating the mom.

There's no blood. You're going to look me in the eye all three years. Yes. If you were living with and you had this hot, the mom, the woman you were dating's daughter was this hot and she had an OnlyFans page. You're not going to take a peek. I promise. You're going to lie. Not only would I not do it, I would be so away from it that I would be disgusted by it. You have to put blinders on when she comes in the room and knowing she's OnlyFans. Maybe look at her Instagram.

Get a swimsuit. Oh, hey, Mark, I'm going to take it a step further. She's private. Oh, all right. Well, there you go. Now I have to just peek at the bathroom. Are you taking a peek? Because, dude, here's the deal. You're having breakfast with her in the morning. Like, you're fucking, like... Peter, as you're opening her bedroom door, you're just peeking in. Absolutely.

That's free. That's free. I didn't only fan. No subscription. This ain't $5.99 a month. No pop-up blockers. You guys do know he's not related to either one of these girls. Yeah, yeah, but he's dating the mom. This is not an incest thing we're judging for. We're saying you're fucking the mom. Maybe don't try to fuck the daughter, too. This isn't the movie of your life. Why, though? Why? What are you guys, the fucking Pope or something? Why? The Pope? Yeah. Because you don't fuck your girlfriend's daughter.

Unless she's... Well, you didn't fuck her. You see, you're saying he fucked her. You didn't fuck her. Well, you don't desire... Okay. Yeah, dude, it's a bad look. To desire her in your head is different than subscribing to pictures of her fucking another dude. What would be the difference if you jerked off to her in the shower?

Wait, wait. Does he watch her in the shower? No. But she's not – What, jerks off in the shower in his mind? Yeah, it's just in his mind. That's fine. It's very different. That's fine. She's advertising it. She wants people to pay. No, but there's no evidence. Watching her in the shower would be like – She doesn't want people to watch her in the shower. I hate to say it. This is how you know that OnlyFans is not admirable at all. I'm sorry to say if you're on it. But because if I had a stepmom who bought my comedy album, I'd be like, thanks.

I wouldn't be like, you're fucking weird. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good point. My other thing is don't put this shit out there if it bothers you who's watching. That's my point. And my other point is... I agree with that. But my other thing is also don't date a woman and then...

At least publicly jerk off to the daughter. If you're going to jerk off to the daughter in your head, no one can stop you from your imagination. And nobody knows that. Don't do it unless you want to think about something unbelievably hot. I think you wait for him to break up with the lady, then do it once you're broken up. This is too weird because you're in the home. He's in the house with him. That's the weird part. Look, he's in the crib. I know you guys are lying. No. We're not. I'm really not. I've been farting.

all night. Look at her. I got nothing to hide here. Look at her, dude. No, we're not. We're admitting she's very hot. Let's see what the mom looks like. Can we see what the mom looks like? Pull up the mom. If the mom's all jacked up, we know she's probably just with the mom to jack off. By the way, this is a big difference than giving a girl like, hey, would you like $2,000? I want to give you... Or it's like, hey, I gave you $2,000.

Jacking off to you. It's a big difference. Big difference. Either way, though, $2,000 is still in your pocket. True. I mean, I know I sound like her attorney because I kind of am. Unless he's a super supportive stepfather. I mean, he could be great in every other way. That's true. I'm curious what the mom looks like, too, though. Yeah, we've got to find out what the mom looks like. It could be a pillar of society. Isn't the mom on the right? Isn't that? That's not her. No, no, that's her in a different hairdo. Oh, okay. Oh, is that the family? Oh, okay.

Oh, I wish. Guy's got his arm around. Yeah. What an unromantic reason. Like, you have to tell your friends, like, why'd you call off the wedding? He was jerking off to my daughter. Yeah. But he was paying for it. But do we know for a fact that he was jacking off to her? What if he was just monitoring her to make sure? I think he would have written a check. You think so? Yeah, I think if he was just into supporting her, you just give the money. You don't privately. That's what I would say. I'm just monitoring it. He was just cyber guarding.

Yeah, I just want to make sure you're not doing anything too crazy. Just got to get into college. I would have made you lie to the mother. I would have been like, look, I was going to tell you. I was doing a secret investigation. Yeah. I was watching her for you. And yes, I mean, attractive woman, but I don't think you date someone and then –

pay to jerk off to the daughter. Yes, you do it for free while she's changing. You don't pay for it unless she's got an OnlyFans. I guess so. And then you do it. At least make a fake account. This guy was going right out of his bank account. Dude, that gross thing on the right, I just can't get out of my... Is there a way to get that off? I mean, it's hard to be looking at this and then see that decrepit dick. I was confused. That's what a zip-dead's dick looks like after all the guilt.

After the jerking. Yeah. Wait, can we just see her on Insta? Let's see what we're dealing with here. Yeah. Because maybe he could have just gone for free and looked at her old bikini pics from spring break. Dude, I'm buzzing my fucking balls off. I'm not going to lie. I'm definitely, I'm drunk right now. I'm not feeling a thing. Like not, really? Not feeling a thing. Well, I had three. Oh, you had three? Yeah. Oh, that's different. Yeah. I'm sipping one. He's ready for another one, by the way. Yeah.

I'll just do one more top off and then I got to really call it too because then it's going to get weird. Is it really not available? See, it's not available maybe. That's the problem. I guess you're right. Private profile. Dude, this is the best podcast ever. Yeah. Dude, you get booze and fucking you're watching fun. Oh, and he broke out the log of Olin too because he said he drank. Oh, shit. You're going to get a DUI, baby. You're going to get a DUI.

Oh, did you see that fucking... You know the way there's like these vigilante going against pedophiles? Like they find you. Oh, yeah. Pedophile hunters. They find you like a target. And they're just like, dude, you came here to meet like a 15-year-old boy? Dude, this guy... Did you see the one where the guy was in a parking lot in Denver? And he goes, call your wife right now. Call your wife and tell her what you did, dude. And the guy was married to her for like 40 years. And he just goes... And he goes, no, tell her. And he goes, hey, babe. And she goes, hey. And they were married forever. And he goes, go tell him what you did. And he just goes...

I was here picking up a 14-year-old boy, and she just goes, dude, she just goes, what? What?

And he goes, no, tell it. And dude, it was the fucking, it was actually one of the hardest things to watch a guy's whole life and the confusion of his wife know that everything that they built together was fucking over. It was fucking brutal. He goes, no, tell me. He just goes, I'm here in Denver meeting with a 14 year old boy. He goes, tell him why. And he goes, tell him for sex. And he goes for sex. And she's just like, what? Are you kidding me?

It was fucked up, man. That guy makes the OnlyFans guy look like a prince. Yeah, that's the thing. It's a spectrum. Yeah, I guess so. That guy is on the spectrum. You should not fuck kids. Yeah. That's a bad decision. No, fucking kids is bad. Yeah. It's crazy that there's people out there that do it. I feel like I know this girl's whole life now. Matt's just been pulling up pictures of her nonstop the whole podcast. We can't get one gander at the mom, huh?

She'll be on OnlyFans soon, I bet. OnlyFans is a crazy invention. I'm just saying, I put myself in that position. Like, if I'm dating a mom with a kid...

We're grown up. I'm in my 60s. She's 25. I'm not there for a second marriage. I'm there to get my rocks off. I'm jerking off to everybody. Jerking off to the daughter, daughter's friends. Jesus, Yanni. How many chicks you have? How is he the drunk one right now? What the hell?

I mean, I'm not involved. I'm jerking off to the kids. I'm jerking off to the friends. I'm jerking off to everybody. What is adults? Grown adult, parents, kids? Giannis' next marriage, miss, I'm not here for you. I'm here to get my rocks off, all right?

I'm here for a good time. What's your daughter's account? I mean, it's a fascinating case. It's very a complex case because she's putting the shit out there. Yes. And he's looking at it and she's attractive. It is a tough spot. But, you know, if you live with the lady, you got to wait till you're broken up. It's been a very long time, man. Thank you. This is a paper plane margarita.

Can you tell us the ingredients breakdown? Because I think people are going to want to make this. I wish he was my stepdad. It's two ounces Blanco tequila, about three quarter ounce Aperol, and lemon juice, and a little bit of triple sec. Nice. Get one. We'll go smoke a stick. I got a car. Yeah, me too. He's driving. But I'm in town for a while.

You doing spots tonight? No, I'm doing more pods later. What else you got, Paul? Me and Bobby Kelly are doing a whole bunch. Oh, man, you're going to ruin that one. You're going to be throwing out the N-word. It's going to be wild. Bobby Kelly drunk. That's so funny. I'm not here for you. I'm here to get my rocks off. Get my rocks off. It's been a killer ep, though. It's been a classic. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's been a good time. Did we finish the news? Yeah. Okay, great. Just checking.

I might get an OnlyFans. We're done? We just got a drink. Oh, you got a drink. Let's go finish off the drink. I'm sorry. Do you guys have any recs or pet peeves? Anyone? Sometimes we do recommendations on this podcast, and it will be something that Mark's recommended. We rec movies sometimes, a book, whatever. Mark has recommended taking a walk. I think it's a great fucking rec, actually. It's a great walk. You know what I just say? I'm getting into jury duty. You guys watching this? Is it good? It's great. I hear it's amazing. What do you mean?

Sorry. Is this OnlyFans? That's her mom? What is this? Is that the mom? No. Oh, jeez. Was that her? That was a young lady. No, that was a different picture. That's her, though, right? Yeah. Let's see the video. I want to see what they're posting. This video is my wreck. First day trying a new active wear. Oh, that's her. She's blonde in this one. All right. She's, like, well into her 20s. Yeah. Yeah. She could be 30.

How is this content? I don't get how people post. Certain shit I don't get what you're posting. You know what it is? You get to know them. So you're like, now I know this girl who's getting naked.

I don't know. It's become like just mind-numbing stuff. It's truly mind-numbing. We're getting dumber. Like, I feel dumber after watching that. It's really the lowest right now. The fact that some of these TikTok, when you see some of these TikTok videos that got 14 million and you see what it is, you're going like 14 million people took the time to watch that shit? My favorite of the crowd work videos where the audience is funnier than the comic. Yeah.

Everyone's just throwing them up now. Yeah, it's pathetic content. The bar is getting so low. Where are you from? Florida. Yeah. Florida. Florida. You guys together? We're just friends. Oh, he wants to fuck?

Dates come down. This is brilliant stuff. The thing is, like all bubbles, it'll burst because a lot of those people will get some people to come out and see them and they'll be a little disappointed. Short money. What do we have, another year of this podcast? I mean, look, I'll keep doing it, but I'm just saying, how long is the podcast bubble going to burst? I can't believe people listen to this. And I love...

Chopping up with Mark every week, but I'm blown away. People listen. People listen. They need content. Some of them will go away, but the good ones, the funny guys, people always tune in to you two guys no matter what you do because you're like –

incredible comics. I was literally just showing a girl I'm dating, Mauricia, the other day, and she was laughing her ass off. I was like, let me show you one of my favorite things, and it was Giannis doing Mauricia, which is like, I love that character. I think it's a brilliant character. And also that the music video does it. I mean, that should be a fucking show. You should do a show as Mauricia. It's a little dicey now. It's a little dicey.

I don't know, dude. I think go all in. Fuck it. I do remember that that was the end. I think it was like 2012. I kind of remember. But Dicey now, it's over. It's not Dicey anymore. Yeah, it's over now. Yeah. I think it's over. I also think it could be a... You didn't do it in a mean way. You did it in a way where you're like, this is like a real human. It was a character. You did it as like a three-dimensional character. And...

I remember watching you do it live and laughing my ass off. And the crowd ate it up. And they were like, it was like a diverse, cool crowd. Killed. You got to be a real asshole to get mad at that character. Yeah. That character is... Nobody really has. No. No. I was at a wedding and they were like, these old Greeks were like Topanos. Yeah, it's a comedy character. It's just, hey, trying to get out here and making you laugh. Yeah. Getting mad at that. Trying to give you a good time. But that's why I'm kind of like, man, that's like a...

Like, that's like... I mean, you and Serge and Yamanika. I mean, that's like... It was great. But, you know, I think that era is kind of over anyway. It's just like, hey, make videos. It's the same thing. But you could. Yeah, yeah. You could make that into something. Yeah, yeah. You could. I totally could be a character. I could be in sitcom. A lot of things could. But I just don't know if anyone's watching sitcoms anymore. Nah. Yeah, but you could make your own web show is my point. Absolutely. I mean, there's other shit you could do. And Mark Jassetti's watching a show. I mean, Jerry, Jerry. People still watch it. It's just...

You've got to jump through more hoops to make it, but you could make something like that yourself, I think. But I think what Giannis was saying, too, is that people are going to continue to watch content of people that they know when they go see are going to deliver, continue to be there, and are great at what they do. It's the people that have a podcast or do a TikTok thing, and they blow up real quick, and the crowd gets filled up in a theater, and everyone goes, oh, my God. And that's happening.

All the time.

Because it's just the thing about everything becomes trite when it becomes saturated, right? So screens are everywhere. So it's not special anymore to be on a screen, to watch someone on a screen. But going to see someone live is very special. I think that's why you're seeing such a boom in live. I mean this is the biggest boom in the history of humanity. There's never been more comedians or live performers. And there's nothing better than doing it for an hour and just having a great time live. And that's because it's special for people. It's like –

It used to be watching a TV show would be special because you're watching something on a screen. So you're like, how did you get on there? It's so few people on a screen. Great point. But now it's like the rare thing is to see someone live and have it be an amazing show. Isn't that weird? Because this is how seeing live entertainment, I feel like 100 years ago was a thrill. We've come full circle. Exactly. And then you're like, the moving pictures. It's the movies. And now it's, you're right, it's.

completely back to where it was. Because it's become, it's trite. It's like, you can watch anything on a screen. You can watch someone queefing on a screen. You can watch your stepdaughter fucking her boyfriend on a screen. And anybody can upload to YouTube. Anybody. It's so commonplace, but not everyone could go and kill and make an audience go crazy for an hour.

And so eventually that will be the thing. Your TV show will be your – you'll see like a bunch of live game shows, traveling pocket. Are you garbage? Stand-ups, like a live great show. That will be the special event. By your logic, will live get boring and then go back to something else? Absolutely. OK. No, I don't think – a live performance that's good will never get boring.

Well, it'll become old. It'll become like – everything does – nothing goes forever. It'll – like Broadway was hot for a while. Everything – Yeah, like radio. Technology changes things. I hope that like some production companies get it together though because I love movies. I love – Yeah, dude. Me too. I really do. I love like good movies and movies that take risks and it's harder. I think it's harder to make a movie that's risky. They'll always be there. I just feel like – but I feel like so many of the movies –

that are like getting made now or like superhero movies and like horror movies enough horror but yeah but at least horror can they're coming at it with an original way sometimes I feel like the superhero shit is just and when nothing is more sad than when you see the behind the scenes of those Marvel movies and it's just all those huge a-list actors standing in front of green screens they're all just standing in like the same room looking up it's fucking off and some of them are fun but they've just made so

Many of them. Yeah. You long for the days of like... Mark and I romanticized the late 60s, 70s period of film where we're obsessed with... Give me like a cuckoo's nest. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. But where you're like, this is a fucking movie. Yeah. Where you feel...

where you feel something and I don't know it's there's less of those air was I don't know if you saw air I can't wait to see it my brother my older brother just my older brother just texted me he said it's incredible it's really good he said you gotta watch it and the fact that it's true you know some movies you're watching like this would never happen but it's true so you're like you're locked in because you're like this really happened

That makes it more fun. I think people still watch stuff when it's amazing. Yellowstone. But that goes to what we're saying about comics. I've been doing comedy over 20 years. You've been doing comedy over 20 years. How many years? 16. How many years? Around.

that. Yeah, so it's like when somebody is just doing spots for years and has been to those rooms, Giannis was saying, where you're in somebody's living room, but you're also at the cellar, you've also done theaters, you've also done... When you do that for a long time, that's going to just be a better show than somebody that's not, so that was going to get phased out. That's just going to get phased out. It's so fun because...

I see these young comics running around. Like, you do the roads, you have some host open for you, and he's like 22, he's green. And he's like, this guy's got 8 million views, he's got 40,000 followers. And you're like, but they're all bad. And they can't see the forest from the trees. They're like, he's got 100 million followers. What the hell? But I'm like, he's got no act. It comes back to the act. You've got to be able to kill it. You've got to be good. When you focus so much on building the brand, you're neglecting the art. You know? And that's not...

I'm not calling this an art. Settle down. I'm not trying to sound pretentious with this shit. I know we're clowns, as we said before. Traveling clowns. Calm down. But you neglect this and you focus on the other aspects of it. And look, it's two different businesses. That's right. It's fun in the moment. It's fun and it's great to build this and it makes it easier when people come out to see you. But...

man you really gotta mark and i talked this about this to death is like the more shit you do to promote this to sell tickets on the road the more you're taken away from what we did every day like mark and i is open micers meeting a coffee shop and bouncing bits and that's that was really the premise that was the podcast that was like right we used to like get fucking coffee and just be like is this funny no is this funny you know i mean that

we labored over jokes and I miss that sometimes. I mean, there's still time, but I feel like we're losing time. No, phone calls used to be, hey, man, I wrote this joke about this and what do you think? And now it's going like, hey, man, if I do this, you think I could get like

A thousand more followers. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It is fucked up, man. Will this go viral? Has this been done? Yeah, it's not the same. But that being said, this is good, what we're doing right here. It's great. I'm enjoying this. No, no, this is great. I think hopefully people enjoy this, and there's still ways to be creative. Sure. But I want to make shows. I want to do other stuff. It's not just like...

There's a lot you can do here, and I want to be creative in other ways. Yeah. Absolutely. I think it's out there. It's possible. Sometimes you just do it yourself. You can just do it yourself. That's what you've got to do now. Maybe just take your money and just make something. That's what I've got to do. It's like we were saying with the industry. They take 8 million years to get a meeting going. We have notes, and the notes take two weeks, and you've got to apply the notes. That takes another two weeks.

Just fucking make it. Yeah, well, that's why they couldn't compete because they were doing that and people were just putting stuff out on the internet. And then when the quality evened out with the technology coming down in price, it was just over. Right. Because they rely on so much bullshit to justify so many people's jobs. That's why they stretch it out. Somebody's got to be the guy who calls you. Then this guy's the, you know.

Exactly. It's like when Elon came and slashed 80% of Twitter, they still ran. You're like, what's going on? But you need that. You need people who have fake jobs because what are they going to do now?

Well, no one's working now. Yeah, I mean, I'm scared. You guys aren't scared about this? A little. Not for us. We're going to be fine. First of all, I don't know if we're going to be fine. We'll be okay. Comedy will always... Comedy's like the bar business. People go there when they're feeling sad, and since life is shit, we'll always be in business. It's the only two things that go up in prices is alcohol and entertainment. By the way, it's like the classic Sopranos thing. The two things that are recession-proof, the mafia and most forms of entertainment. I would think of Silvio saying that to Tony.

But I don't know if I believe it with comedy because I – you never know what happens. I mean with COVID, we lost so much and like thank god it came back. But like you never – Cockroaches, man. We survived. Yeah, but what do you think – what do you think would happen in comedy where people – I don't know. Robots don't do context. They can't – robots don't do context. Yeah, and they don't have the emotion. We'll see. I don't know. I don't know.

Hey, man, I don't want to be a pessimist here, but who the fuck knows how smart this technology gets? How about they just stop the robots now? How about it just stops, dude? That's the weird thing. Well, technology, it never stops. It always wins. The horse and buggy's out, you know? But the weird thing is the head of Google was like, this is bad. We got to shut this down. And you're like, give me the fuck.

You made the goddamn thing. And you kept the money, you cum guzzler. How about you give up your house? Yeah, exactly. The scary thing is they're all saying this is bad. No, but didn't the one robot go, like, to take over the human race? Didn't it say that? They asked, like, what's your goal? And one of them was, like, to take over the human race. And they were like, all right, off button. Yeah, but now I hear that. It can animate. It can draw. You can do legal work. It can make songs. Jeez, what is it, Matteo Lane? Yeah.

He's really as talented as him. Vaudeville. They can put Christian Walker in Fast and Furious movies for the rest of the three tournaments. Paul Walker. Paul Walker. Christian Walker. Christian Walker is Herschel Walker's gay son who I love. The best. The best to hear right-wing talking points out of that left-wing boy. I love how that's...

the border no immigration there's a comic i'm not gonna say who but he went on stage of the cellar last night he was like i'm gonna read an ai joke and i'm gonna read a joke that i did but i won't tell you which one is which and he read the he read the first one and i was like oh it was cute whatever kind of something then he read the second one and it killed

And he was like, thank God I wrote the second one. And you're like, all right, we're still okay. Well, it's like Giannis said, the AI can't get the emotion of the story or the jokes. You know when you bomb a joke and you go, well, that joke bombed, and that gets a laugh? AI won't be able to do that. AI won't be able to feel that like, oh, shit.

shit, I'm bombing here. Right, the awareness and to be able to, yeah. And they won't be like, look at her tits and that guy won't shut the fuck up, you know, and the room's weird, you know, you make fun, oh, there's a chandelier in here, I'm talking about my dick, I'm talking about my chandelier. by the way, AIs listen to this podcast, they're like, look at her tits. Yeah,

Killer punchline. I'm bombing. Start to recognize. Will AI be able to scan tits? I think of the movie Ex Machina all the time. Ah, great movie. It's such an incredible movie, but I like, oh my God, that's like a terrifying glimpse into like

Who knows? Maybe, right? Well, the scary thing is that, yeah, context, that's what makes us human is context. Yes. That's where the soul lies in context. Yeah, AI can't discern the difference. And, you know, it's interesting that we don't never think about the fact that we've been conditioned by AI. Right.

Like we're being raised. Like these generations are being raised by algorithms. Oh, yeah. And then when you see people acting – because people act like AI now. They hear a word and they're like, I'm offended. You're like, he didn't hear the context. You're like, you're a robot. That's interesting. Why are you acting like a robot? I think about that all the time. Well, I was raised by robots.

I do so many interviews where people are like, are you worried about censorship and comedy? I say, I'm not worried about people being offended. I could give a fuck about that. I'm worried about algorithms hearing certain words, like the word Nazi. And I can be condemning Nazis in a joke, but they hear the word Nazi, so they just bury the joke. And I'm like, well, that's nuance right there. You're ignoring nuance. So I worry about that.

in terms of like, you know, burying jokes. But I don't worry about people being like, that joke is offensive. Fuck them. Who could give a fuck about them? They weren't going to get the joke anyway if they tuned out. You don't feel it really live. You don't really feel anything live. Especially on the road. Yeah, on the road. You don't feel it. But yeah, I mean, people on the internet act

like they know what to expect. Yeah. They're real people live. The context is live. They're people. They get it. They see your expression. They know the context of we've gathered into this comedy club to hear inappropriate things said in jest. They get sarcasm. They get irony. But, you know, not not A.I. What?

And your fans know you, so you don't have to worry. Your fans are coming for you. That's not ever going to be. That's a huge head start. They know what to expect, yeah. But what do you think it is about a joke that really gets under people's skin where it's like an action movie or a rape scene or a murder? It's the truth. Is that what it is? It's the truth. Well, suicide is true. No, I disagree. No, it's not the truth. I think it's that in the movie they've accepted that these are characters and on stage they think this is you.

I think that's what it is. I think the political divide and everything that the media does and separates people, when you say something up there, they automatically – I think they put you in that category, whichever aisle they think you're on. And I think that they're judging you on that too. Well, I think the algorithm has done that too, has increasingly made everyone extreme.

I think the algorithm is – Where people literally weren't meant to see the joke. Well, like the people who were meant to see the joke but then the random people just kind of open the door and be like, I don't like that joke. You weren't meant to see it. Yeah, right. But they're peeking in. I mean now everyone sees the joke. Yeah. Well, the people who get angry at it, that's content for them. Well, like we were talking about – They're content creators.

When we were talking before, we were talking before about the drag queens. And I said on this podcast, I go, why are they – I just want to know why they're in a school with an eight-year-old. Yeah. And now somebody could listen to that and go, oh, Verzi's a fucking – but no, you don't know my – but that happens everywhere. You don't know how I really feel about everything. Yes, yes. I'm just saying that type of thing, I could see it being confusing and don't understand why it's there. But now somebody listened to this going, fuck him. He's against fucking – And they put you in a box. And I'm in a box.

They want to take you down. They'll find something. They'll find a way. The only thing that protects you is that you're not famous enough. If you get famous enough, they'll find something because it's content for that person. Yes. I remember hearing Colin Quinn say, if they want to cancel you, all they need is Wi-Fi. Yeah, they'll find a reason. They'll find something. They'll take a clip here. They'll figure it out. That's why it's good not to get famous. You don't want to get too famous. You don't want to fly too close to the sun. Right. You want to stay right.

But can we ever get to a point where we're calling out these people who use our livelihood as content? Well, I think— Isn't that evil? Yeah, well, I think people are sick of it. I think it's like, boy, the crime wolf. I think it still works.

Could you imagine? There's levels. There's levels. Like, you want to cancel Harvey, I get it. We're making Alec Baldwin jokes. We're using his livelihood for our comedy. But he's already done. I wouldn't do it if he wasn't done. What do you mean? Like, he already killed a lady. Yeah. The lady's dead. It's in the news. By the way, there was a story that he was like a dick to a server at the gallery. Yeah, I don't even shoot about that. And you're just like, you murdered someone. You can't be nice for like a year and a half. Yeah.

You can't give us like a year and a half of being nice. Like Alec Baldwin shot a woman in the face or whatever he shot her. She was a mother and like a wife. And then like literally immediately he's like you're nothing to a server. You're like fuck you. You got to be nice for a year and a half at least. That should be a sentence. Like you got up and the judge should be like you can't ever be rude to a waitress, a waiter, anything.

Well, Gillis admittedly said he's like, after I got nicer, I got way nicer after I got canceled. Yeah. So that's kind of nice. He got also a lot more famous as well. So that helped. But you know what? Shane got famous because he didn't get bitter. I mean, that was one of the beautiful things about Shane, I think, is that like he could have – that could have happened to him and he could have become a huge dick. But I think what happened was he was like, I'm just going to go all in on my stuff. Yep. And being funny. And being funny. And he was –

he was like nice in his comedy I thought he got humble like in a way yeah I talked to him about it and I was like dude look what you did you're out there doing your thing now and he goes oh thanks man it was about being silly and funny he didn't get crazy there was no malice and bitterness cause you get guys that go far the other way and all of a sudden they're fucking doing podcasts I remember I talked to him after it happened I said I really hope you don't ever go that way and he goes I won I said good

He's too smart. Yeah, but I – He's funny. He's talented. So – Funny guy. Some guys, you know, they just go, oh, fuck you. You did this to me? Well, now I'm going to go in the woods and do a podcast by a fucking bonfire. Yeah. And they start – and they go – they put their chips in the other way real big. Yeah. Right. I got bad news for you. There's already a podcast called The Bonfire. So you're in big trouble. But here's the thing. You can't ignore the fact that those things do backfire and make people more famous. Right.

What? The canceling? Yeah, I mean, it does put your name. It depends on the scenario. If you're huge, it takes you down. But if you're a little unknown. Yeah, but I think your actions after. I think your actions after are a big part of it. If it's over a joke, it could possibly inflate your ticket sales. But if it's over something behavioral, you're finished. Kind of finished.

I mean, D'Elia's got like two sold-out shows at the Beacon. Does he? Yes. After the last... Who does? D'Elia. D'Elia. I mean, he's still doing a sold-out theater. Whoa. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I mean, his fans don't care. Now, listen, and it sounds like he did that. He sold out four shows at a middle school, too, which I thought was a little weird, but... He's what you call Black Friday shopper. He shows up a little too early to the store. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You're like, hey, guy, it's not open yet. Interesting. Whoa. So, but, you know, it's just still people. Well, the Bud Light lady, whatever, Dylan Mulvaney. Yeah. Huge. Very nice of you to call the lady. Oh. Well done. Is it still Dylan? Dilliana. No, you never know. I think Dylan could go either. Yeah, Dylan's androgynous, yeah. Okay, but yeah, huge. Yeah, but Dilliana, you can't get worse than that. And it's still sold out. Theaters, two of them speaking. Yeah, sure.

And then all the other ones. I think his whole fucking schedule was sold out. Wow. Yeah. The problem with this stuff is I think they go too far. Some people deserve to have a consequence culture take them down. I read the Rolling Stone article on him and it was pretty troubling. It's rough. Yeah. So it's troubling. But...

I think when you try to cancel everybody, you kind of, you numb people too. Yes, yes. It's like the boy that cried wolf. And so that's when you do anything too much. We do it with racist, Nazi. We call Jews Nazis now. Louie and Aziz got swept in with that fucking Weinstein and Cosby thing and they shouldn't have. Aziz was the worst.

Has he lost that show? I remember CNN did a thing where it was like people who have been canceled this year and it was Cosby Weinstein and Shane Gillis. And I was like, this is like an SAT question. Which one doesn't belong? Right. That's horrible. It's just so fucking unfair to Shane. That's so ridiculous. It's a one size fits all kind of nation system. Yes. It's like, this is ludicrous. This is completely crazy. And I want to talk at a turn here, but I will be honest. Like I'm speaking as a dad with a daughter, but I'll be honest. Like,

Asking a woman if you can take your dick out is kind of the nicest way to take your dick out. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is it kind of the way you look at it? Literally Swedish law. Yeah. Hey, ma'am, do you mind if I take my dick out? I never asked. As long as it's the wife and not the stepdaughter. I think it's one of the funniest questions ever. Do you mind if I take my dick out? It's the funniest question a man could ask. As a father who will one day have a daughter who will grow up, I can only hope that a guy would say, do you mind if I take my dick out? Right. It's a very polite thing to do because usually I've never – I usually just take it out.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, that's true. That was my old... I kind of liked when the woman was like, do you mind taking a dick out? Yeah, that's kind of hot. That's a better... That was a better way, but... I just sign up for their daughter's OnlyFans. That's my... But, yeah. Yeah, it's all topsy-turvy and it's tough. And it's weird what's controversial. Like, just that statement is controversial. Yeah. And you're like, but isn't that kind of...

Normal talk? I don't know. Well, I did it to be funny. So I don't know what he did. I mean, I wasn't in the room. Right. I don't know. He's a great cop. Well, you know what? I talked to like old timers who said that was the way. Like I talked to dudes that were like back in like the day, you would be on a date and you would like if you pulled it out, it was like the fucking. I don't know about that. No. In the restaurant?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm saying what you said. Yeah. Like back in the day, it was like, hey, what are we doing with this? Oh, yeah. But I got to be honest with you. And I'm serious. I'm not. I could not. For me, I was always had to be like the she had to be the aggressor. I was always afraid. I was like that, too. But you still can't deny the fact that like.

Nobody asked. I still didn't ask. It was just like I took it out. We were like, she got undressed. I took it out. Yeah, but I think there's... Well, that's different. If she's getting undressed, you take your dick out. But there's a read in the room. Right? There's, you know... Yeah, you got to read the room. You got to know the feeling's right to do that. I've never taken out what a woman... That's 100% right. But I also never politely asked, which is very nice. For me, they asked me to take it out, and then I do, and then they're mad. Yeah. Because they're like, oh.

Yeah. That's it? Jesus. You don't have to be queefing all night. Nothing was worse than Aziz's. Yeah, that was crazy. But I tell you, the only reason he got in trouble was he was wearing the fucking Me Too pins. That's what got him. Don't. He was what? He was wearing the Me Too pins at the Oscars and shit. It's like, look, if you like to fish hook, keep that shit on the down low. It was also the very beginning of it. It was a very... But it fucked him up.

Like he said he looked for ways to kill himself and all that. It's brutal. He lost that show. That show was great. No, it came back. Was it Master of None? No, but he got kicked off the show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was removed from the show because he fish hooked a girl. And that's what kills me is it's all about now it's about compassion and being not like if you call a gay guy a homo, you'll get crucified. But like how is that?

what they did to Aziz not inconsiderate and immoral and mean. That's a different kind of mean. I think nuance and there's layers to this shit and I think he was kind of made an example of. But that's not nice. I mean, it's cruel. I'm not all saying it's okay. I think it was like the beginning of a lot of pentabanger

And none of this has been dealt with. I mean, I think Aziz was dealt with before Harvey Weinstein, which I'm like... I know, right? I might be fucking up the timeline here, but maybe we deal with the Predator first. I don't know. No, Aziz was the worst one because nobody read that article and thought...

He was wrong. Not one person read that article and was like... Well, it wasn't on a real article. It was on babe.net. I know, but it still got him canceled from the show, which is crazy. It still messed up his career. It still... He's back, though. His parents had to know what he likes to do. It's like that girl did a messed up thing. That's a wrong thing she did. That's true. I think this works both ways, though. Like, right? I completely agree with you. The Aziz thing was insanely fucked up, but then, like...

rape laws are insanely fucked up. The fact that like try getting an order of protection in certain states when a dude has actually try prosecuting a dude who's actually raped you. It's insanely hard. So I agree with you. But I think it works both ways. I mean, I didn't think this was going to get this heavy, but we're two and a half hours into a podcast. I've been drinking heavily. There's nowhere to go but this. I kind of like it. I think it works both ways. And I think as I agree with you, Aziz got fucked. But like,

It is insanely hard, you know, prosecuting rape. Yes, yes. No one believes you. Even the cops are like, what were you wearing? There's a lot of that. Especially in the 80s, it was insane. The 90s were insane. It's very bad. There's definitely an overcorrection, but as long as we can realize it's an overcorrection... That's what we got to do now. And it sucks for the guy who gets corrected. I think all I'm saying, and this is going to sound preachy, but like...

get just as angry as the dudes who are maybe still touring and selling out two shows at the Beacon. I'm very angry at that. You know? I'm not going to that show. You know who is going to that show, ironically? Who? Ladies. Yeah. Well, I'm opening. That's not a neat and clean world. No. It's the same thing. It's like when women yell at us about the WNBA. It's like, ladies,

We're not watching either way. And guess what? I watch more WNBA than you do, bitch. Exactly. I love Breonna Stewart. Liberty or Stack this year. Let's fucking go. I mean, that's where I draw the line. That's where I draw the line. Well, let's plug some dates. Where are you guys going to be coming up? When is this coming? Let's put this out before the one we just did. June 11th. So, yeah, Paul, where are you going to be? Oh, June 11th. Oh, June 11th. I'm going to be at Sidesplitters. Hell yeah.

I'm going to be at SideSplitters June 15th to the 17th. Check me out. Then the next two in June, I'm going to be Houston Improv and Dallas Improv. All dates at paulversey.com. Is that three podcasts? Can I plug those?

Plug them. Plug more. Plug everything. I got the VersiEffect podcast, which is now in studio doing great. I got Bone to Pick podcast with Bobby Kelly. Anything Better with Bill Burr. And Nocturnal Admissions is on Netflix right now. You guys can check that out, man. Thank you guys so much for having me. Support both these guys. Great comics. Great dudes. Go see them on the road. Watch all their stuff. Appreciate you. Yeah. Nobody's listening probably still by now, but just go to my website. They are. They're definitely listening. I've got loads of dates. I've got a lot of stuff.

The next one I'll be at is the Wilbur in Boston. Please help me sell the rest of those tickets. One of the best clubs, one of the best theaters in the country. Easily, easily. And then, you know, the Paramount in Long Island, August 17th. Nice. And then a bunch of other dates. I saw Wise Guys there, too, which is one of my favorites. Yeah, I love Wise Guys. Blue Room's great. That's a great, Calgary's killer. Don't sleep on Calgary. Dude, Wise Guys Utah might be one of my favorites ever. Great. Toronto, you got there. Red Bank, the Vogel. These are great rooms. Oh, Vogel. Love the Vogel. Oh, Cobb.

San Francisco, Sony Hall, New York. Just go to yannispappascomedy.com and my podcast, The Yannis Pappas Hour. Hell yeah. Where you at, Sammy? You know, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. We just added a bunch of shit. We got Montreal coming, Providence, Northampton, Massachusetts, Burlington, Vermont. Oh, no, not Syracuse. We didn't do that. We're doing Albany instead. I like my life. So I decided to make that change. Toronto, uh...

All over. Phoenix, we just added. A lot of California dates. Cincinnati, Columbus, Indianapolis. So much good stuff coming up. Buy Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Norman, what's going on, dude? I'll be in Australia for a little more time. Come out and say hello. We're selling like hot

cakes out there and then I'm coming back to do an American tour Milwaukee Des Moines Los Angeles New Orleans Alabama Mississippi Louisville San Diego Cincinnati Springfield Chesterfield Missouri Hershey PA

D.C., Oklahoma, Dallas, Portland, Maine, Providence, you name it. Get some Bodega Cat. Get some shirts. We got a Rick and Morty over there. I love this one. This one made me happy. I just saw this before the show. Check out our specials. July 25th for Netflix. We got Mom Love.

Mom Love. Yeah, check out my specials online. Mom Love. Thank you. Nocturnal Admissions Netflix. Hell yeah. These are two real deal comics. Support them. Check them out on the road. Watch their shit. Thank you, guys. We don't have people on this show we don't respect that time. I appreciate you. Yeah. I mean, classic episode. This is like, what, three hours? How long was this? Was it three? No. 220. All right. All right. I felt like three. What's the record? Where are you going to be, Danny? Beer Jew? Beer Jew?

I'm still at St. Les in Midtown and Good Room in Greenpoint, so come out. I'll make you a drink. Hey, you heard it here first, folks. We'll see you in hell and support Aziz. We'll see you at the Beacon. We'll see you at the Beacon.