Ep 130: Lemongrass Margarita
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Yo, yo. Hey, folks, we're back. We might be drunk. And it's just us. Ah, finally. I know. All these fucking guests. Dead weight, I call them. Yeah, dude. Fuck them. Yeah. And Sally. Speaking of dead weight, Sally Cuse is here. But no, it's good to see you, buddy. Hey, good to be back.

Just us. Just us. We're going to be alone. So much to talk about. Yeah. You've been on the road for years. A year. You too. That's true. We don't have lives. No, I like it. I like the road. Me too. People are like, oh, the road must be so hard. I'm like, I'm in a hotel room eating ice cream naked. Yeah. It's great. What the hell am I complaining about? I love the road. You can eat ice cream naked at home. Eh, I got a wife. Yeah.

You know, that might turn her off a little. Or turn her on, but, you know, you sleep in. I got an ice cream rack for you, motherfuckers. Oh, okay. Jenny's? No, that's a good one. All right. Ben and Jerry's churro flavor. Whoa. Cinnamon ice cream, dude. It's like 1,200 calories per pint. Yeah. It's mad good. All right. Trey for churros. Yeah. Damn. That's a good one, dude. All right. I'm down.

Yeah. I'll tell you, I got to, I got to, you want to talk sweets. I'm eating puffins daily. You ever eat puffins? They're good. Yeah. So good. Cereal? Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. Trader Joe's always good. Yes. Peanut butter. Get the peanut butter. You'll, you'll jizz. I like the, yeah, I like, I love peanut butter cereal. Dude, I, uh, I was in the supermarket. Hadn't been there in a while. And there's some ice cream brand. I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas.

there's some ice cream brand where all the people on it are special needs. And it took me a second. I was just, you know, they're all on the cover. And, uh,

And I kind of just hold one up. I was like, oh, I think everyone on here is special needs. And a guy walking by without even breaking goes, yeah, and if you eat it, you'll turn into one of them. Didn't even break. That's pretty good. Yeah, it was a drive-by zinging. Yeah, I love those. Wait, why are there special needs people? Because they give money to give special needs people employment. It's a good cause, but you know. I mean, the guy's got a point because you look at the underwear commercials or the underwear ad, and it's always a ripped guy.

You don't turn into them. You don't turn into them. I guess you're right. So you're not going to turn into that guy either. Yeah. Special needs. So yeah, you're fine to eat. Howdy. Yeah, it looked good actually. Birthday cake flavor. Birthday cake anything. Holy shit. Oh yeah. Love that. Birthday cake. Good flavor.

I had a fudgy the whale last night. Yeah. You ever had that? No, is it good? It's an ice cream cake. I know it is. I don't think I've had it. I never had it either. I'm from the south and it was amazing. Blew my mind. Yeah, it did. Fudgy the whale. There he is. Look how cute. Do you guys like ginger ale? Yeah. Sure. Not the people. Just the food. I'm going to say it to you as your friend. I'm joking. We do like him. You know. This was a local New York thing. Cookie puss. Cookie puss. Cookie puss.

That's great. He's got a dick on his nose. Oh, yeah. And a puss in his name. Yeah. Good for him. That is a dick nose for sure. I think they knew what they were doing. Yeah. So I was just in Montana, speaking of the road. Never been. It's beautiful out there. It's a bitch to get there. But did Bozeman and Great Falls. We go to the Hot Springs. That's like their thing there. It's freezing cold. It's mountains. But they have these hot springs.

kind of ponds you can sit in and it's so nice like a hot tub and uh after you get in the hot springs you go into the shower and some guy goes i'm talking to my friend in the shower and he goes you sound familiar and i go oh yeah i'm with a naked guy and i'm like oh i thought this was some gay code and i was like oh yeah yeah and he goes i don't have my glasses on but you sound like a comedian i know and he was like doing the squint like the

He had no glasses on. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm a comedian. And he goes, yeah, I don't know what your name is, but I like this comedian. And we got to talking. He didn't know it was me, but he knew my voice because he couldn't see me. That's crazy. So it was like a great moment. Was it a steam room? Steam room. So it's like cloudy? Cloudy. That's so cool. I was talking to my friend in the steam room. He was like, you sound familiar, but I...

And I was like, oh, it's not me. It's not me. And I was like faking it. And he was like, man, you sound just like this comedian I know. And then he goes, this guy Mark Norman. I go, he's good. He's good. I'm like blowing myself up. And then eventually I told him. Better to be recognized by your voice than your dick. True. That's crazy, man. It happened to me. I was actually at a Knicks game and –

and both happened to both. We got a few times we, you know, got stopped, but one of the guys grabs me, goes, I fucking love you. And he puts his arm around me and takes a picture and he goes, thanks, Mark. Ah,

And the guy did it to Stav too. He walked by and he goes, you man, Steve. You got some of the letters right. Steve, Stav. Have you ever gotten me? I've gotten you. I've gotten you a couple times. Yeah, I get it like on social media. They're like, oh, this guy's so funny. I love Sam or whatever. I've gotten Mark a few times. It's funny. Yeah. But yeah.

And also when I do Q&A, I go, shout out like a news story. They go, Sam Morrill. I get you too. That's a big one. Yeah. What do you say for me? Because I never know what to say. I say he's dying of AIDS. All right. It's very hard to talk about. Yeah. What do you say for me? I say funny guy, big eyebrows. Because you got to say something silly. Eyebrows.

I got to pee for you. All right. I saw a guy describe someone recently as just a straight guy, just like a regular white straight guy. He goes, well, this person was a bundle of joy. Hmm.

I was like, what are you, a fucking chatbot? GBT? That's not how people speak. Right. It felt like manufactured. Yeah. It didn't feel like an authentic thing to me. I don't like bundle of joy because people usually only use it sarcastically. Like you're a real bundle of joy. That's how it should be used. Yes. It's ridiculous. Calling a person sincerely a bundle of joy is insane. It's insane. Yeah. My PE coach in fourth grade hated me.

And my mom came to pick me up one day and he goes, excuse me, miss, is this your bundle of joy? And she's like, yeah. And then he just shit on me in front of my mom for like five minutes. It was brutal. And my mom hated it. But that's the only time I heard someone refer to me as a bundle of joy and it wasn't good. That's good. Yeah, he was a dick. How about you? Any peeves? Yeah, I got a couple, actually, because I haven't seen you in a while. But how about this one?

I got the guy who said... Hold on, I wrote these down. Hold on, hold on. I got a few too. I want to make sure I don't forget. When I don't see you for a while, I like to write them down. Hold on, what do you got here, Sally? Sally's got some plagiarism. I got a peep here. A listener called in here. Uh-oh. Hold on a second, let me find it.

Okay, hold on. We're all looking at screens. Yeah, not good, not good. I got another pee for you while we're waiting. All right, please. I love when a giant beloved celebrity dies and someone will write it in their obituary. They go, I hope I'm remembered like this someday.

You won't be. You won't be. Because if I outlive you, I'm writing one of the Instagram posts and you ain't Harry Belafonte, motherfucker. Okay? Yeah, how much do you earn it? Earn it. We're not just going to talk about you like Harry Belafonte. He's Harry Belafonte. It's kind of like when you get into a crash with, you're in the plane with Kevin Hart. It's Kevin Hart died and a bunch of other people. Exactly. Exactly.

What do you got? Hold on, I can't find it. Sally, play your video. Okay, so I have a listener, a viewer called in a video peeve here. You know what my Larry David moment is? Is when people are in the passing lane and they're going as slow as everyone in the regular lanes. And they block the whole thing. And you can't get around because I like to, yeah, yeah, I got to move. And when I feel trapped...

I go all Larry David on him. Thank you for calling in Brad P. Okay.

Oh, that peeve stunk. That was Brad Pitt. All right. Well, I'm glad to know he's a fan of the pod. Yeah, thank God you're handsome. It is funny to hear Brad Pitt be like, I'm like Larry David. You're not, really. Oh, man. Larry David was at the Lakers game the other day. It's literally Nicholson, Larry David. You're just like, man, two people I'd like to hang out with very badly. Of course. But Larry David, the whole game, just legs crossed, like,

Just looks grumpy, Larry David, the entire time. By the way, it's so funny that so many of the big Lakers celebrities are Knicks fans. Oh, really? Larry David, Sandler. They're Knicks fans, baby. Really? They're ours. They're New York people. Yeah. Well, I think Sandler was born in Brooklyn. His dad is a New York sports guy, so he's a New York sports guy. So he's like Knicks, Jets, Yankees, Rangers. And Larry David, obviously, sheepshead big. Brooklyn, yeah. So there you go.

All right, hold on. I had my peeve. Give us a peeve. I'll tell you, we need a peeve. Oh, it was big. It's a good one. My peeve is when people don't write down their peeves. I know, I know. I got a million notes that I can't sift through. Well, one is I have a guy who always says exactly. He says exactly to everything, but everything can't be exact. So I'll be like, I was late. I got stuck behind some guy. He's like, oh, exactly. And I'm like,

That doesn't make sense to what I said, but he just says exactly every time. So he'll be like, you owe me two bucks. And I'll be like, oh, here's three. Is that all right? He's like, exactly. I'm like, that doesn't fit. He says exactly for everything. Hitler killed six million Jews. Exactly. Wasn't six million in one? No. By the way, a lot of black...

Down syndrome, gay, and gypsies. Yeah. You know what I was reading? I was reading is that they did these trials, I believe, about when you... Nuremberg. No, the denazification, they did classes you would have to do. It's not Nuremberg. It was like...

So people like Hugo Boss, who manufactured Nazi uniforms, they do like, what level Nazi are you? And he had to pay a fine. He was a low-level Nazi, but the fine was for having slave labor. Wait, what? Which, guess what? Pick one. Yeah, wait a minute. Don't be a Nazi and have slaves. It's kind of shitty. Whoa. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. Slave labor. And his kids rebranded. So his kids made Hugo Boss...

you know, like 1948, like, you know, Nazi light. Well, that was the guys of the work camps. They called them work camps. They would have to work to help the German war engine. That was the idea. Yeah. So that they were slaves. Do you guys want employment for no money? Sounds like slavery. No, it's work. Right. You don't like work?

It's amazing that Hugo Boss is still around because, you know, some guy shits in the ice cream thing at McDonald's and we're like, all right, McDonald's is fucked. We got to shut it down. I guess Subway's still going. Yeah. So I guess these- But Jared wasn't the founder. True. Well, I guess Hugo Boss wasn't either. If Steve Subway was a child diddler. Or Bobby Blimpie. Bobby Blimpie. Yeah.

But no, it's Puma and Adidas Nazi party people. Puma! I know. I found out. I'm bummed. I fucking, I like Pumas. Coco Chanel too. Yeah, that's right. She blew a bunch of Nazis apparently. Yeah. I think she was just a collaborator. That's enough. Yeah. Collaborate with Nazis. Do you want to collab? Do you want to collab on being a Nazi? I'm going to send you a Nazi request. Can you accept it? Damn. Why isn't she canceled?

She's dead. Yeah, but that doesn't stop other people. That's true. We got mad at John Wayne or whoever. This smells fucking insane. Is it ginger cocktail? That's lemon grass ginger margarita. What the fuck? I hope you don't say that when you go down to your lady. This smells insane. I gotta bring something back from Southeast Asia, right? That's good. I like to go down and go...

Your pussy is redonkulous. Should we collab? Say it again. What is it? Lemongrass ginger margarita. Like Thai. Yeah. That is incredible, dude. Very nice. Boy, you're on fire today. Yeah.

Like I said, that'll bring something back to the trip, right? There you go. Besides the clap. This is really fucking... I'm not a big margarita guy, admittedly. I love how you make Palomas. I don't like sweet cocktails. Me neither. I like bitter. I like... As sweet as I get is a Manhattan. That's kind of as sweet as I'll go, but you're in old-fashioned. Manhattan's not entirely sweet. Right. I better know it, bro, if it ever moves.

I don't like sweet drinks, really. If I drink non-alcohol, it's like seltzer. Yeah, I had an opener this week. I'm getting those blue drinks, like those blue Hawaii's. How old is this opener? He was about 23. I was like, you've got to grow up, man. You've got to grow up and be a real alcoholic. Yeah.

No, I see a blue drink. I'm like, fuck that. It always cracks me up when you're at a comedy club and they can't make a proper cocktail, but they'll be like, we can do a yellow gummy bear. I'm like, you can't do a fucking Negroni? I know. And the amount of sweet drinks going out. I see the bar lady making all the... It's like espresso martini with the chocolate rim. But the espresso martini is not chocolate rim, but straight up espresso martini is pretty fucking good. I've never had one. You don't think there's a good...

Uh-oh. He says, mic's not on. Did we lose all of it? Yeah. Ah. Muted. Switch it over. I've never had an espresso martini. So they're pretty good. Was that all not usable? No. Just say three ladyboys into the mic and we'll just use that. Three ladyboys. Three ladyboys. Three ladyboys. We, uh...

Yeah, I was making martinis over the weekend, man. Just like a fun to just make a fun martini, man. Throw some blue cheese olives in that shit. If that's what you're into, absolutely. Do you not like that? I don't like blue cheese olives in my martinis. What do you like? How about a jalapeno olive? I love a jalapeno. That's a good one. You know what was really good? Pickled banana pepper.

That's really good. Yeah, martini is fucking fantastic. Interesting. Do you do the banana pepper juice as well? A little bit, yeah. I'll do a little bit of the juice. That sounds amazing. The only thing for me with the blue cheese is that if you add any... I'll do the normal olive brine and then put the blue cheese olives on top because otherwise it gets oily.

which isn't like a good feel in your mouth. It's funny, I was just shitting on comedy club cocktails, but Hilarity's in Cleveland used to do a banana pepper martini that was outstanding. Really? Hilarity's is like a classy club. Never heard of that. It's a really good drink, and not a lot of people do it. It's very good. Yeah, I like that. I mean, I was...

A lot of at-home drinks. I had a lot of people try Bodega Cat over the weekend, and they loved it. Hell yeah. People were loving Bodega Cat. Get a bottle. It's online. Yeah, a lot of old fashions, Manhattans. Nice. Straight up. Keep them coming. I wish it was...

On the shelves. In New York. Well, hopefully, maybe by now it will be. Maybe. This might not come up for a while, so. Praying to God. Any other peeves? Ah, I can't remember my peeve. I had a good one and I had it today. It'll come to me. It was something with the wife. The wife is a peeve factory. A peeve cave. Pfft.

I think I've mentioned this before. Two thing women like being called, peeves and caves. Well, she does the thing where she'll talk in the other room. She'll be like, can you believe blah, blah, blah? And I'm like...

I'm in the other room. Yes, this is bullshit. This is bullshit. I get this too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I'm like... She expects you to hear what she's saying. What? What? And she's like, are you listening to me? And I'm like, well, you got to come in here. And then I end up going in there for her dumb story. And I'm like, you want me to hear that you come in here. So now we're fighting. We have two rooms. It's a New York apartment. And she's never come in either of those rooms. That's true. Well, yeah, that's...

There's something about the talk in the other room, like, come here. There's something fucking annoying about that. Oh, yeah. It's tough. It is hilarious when you see people that have been together for a long time just fight over shit that has nothing to do with that actual... My parents will do that sometimes. We were driving, and my parents were driving to my sister's place in Brooklyn, and my parents... It's that thing with my dad. We get out of the car, and he's like, there's no parking here. My mom's like, what? And he goes, there's no parking here! And I'm like...

Could have maybe just tried it one more time. Yeah, yeah. There might be something else that led into this. Underlying issues there. That preceded this, yeah. Well, one good moment is my lady will just leave everything open. Like, she leaves the cupboards open. She'll go in and get the puffins and then leave it wide open so they just get stale. So I go, hey, hey, you got to close this. They're going to get stale. Do you hate me? Are you inconsiderate? What is it? Why are you?

can't you just close it? And she's like, I didn't think about it. I'm like, I know, but it's inconsiderate. And so I was like, that's mean. Then I came back later and she had her shit open. So she does it to her shit too. So I apologized because I was like, oh, you're just...

out to lunch you're not you're not doing it to spite me you're just doing oh you thought it was an attack well i'm not really an attack but like hey i ate your shit but i i don't respect you so i left it open oh wow i don't think she would do that to you i know i know but after telling her like hey you got to stop leaving this open all my shit's getting stale

I thought she might stop doing it, but she didn't. So I was like, oh, this is just, you're doing it to spite me, but she does it to her shit too. So I was like, all right, you hate yourself. We're good. So that, that was a peeve, but I realized she does it to her own stuff. So I felt better.

I've got one. Yeah, what do you got? People who pretend to be hurt. Ah, the victimhood. Yes. Remember that kid growing up where you'd be like, you were really young and you were playing soccer and you'd get hit very lightly, but he would go down like he just got fucking hit by Lawrence Taylor? Yes. And you'd be like, oh! Yeah. Yeah.

When I'm really hurt, I'm like, I'm okay. I'm okay. That's when I'm really hurt. That's when you know I'm really hurt. When I'm like, no, it's okay. Good point. When people fall down after they get shouldered by a bicycle and they call an ambulance, it's like, get the fuck up. Right. Good point. When you're really hurt, you fake it. Exactly. When you're not hurt, you pretend. Salacuse hit the dude with his car. He's like, oh, fuck you, you pussy. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Stacy, my wife, she stubbed her toe on something that I just left laying around. And she was like, really? You got to milk it. Milking it. And Matt was like, I'll fucking show you pain. Jesus Christ. You think that hurts? Get Miss Pat in here. So she's like, I was like, I'm sorry you stubbed your toe. Like, this is the most I can do. And she was like, you're not sorry. You just think I'm playing it up.

Yeah, yeah. I think you're playing it up. Projecting. She knew she was playing it up, so she called you on it. So you'd have to deny it. Yeah. You'd have to delete all this, Peter. No, no, no. It's staying in. Did she listen? No, she didn't listen. All right.

They'll be using the trial of Salacuse versus Salacuse. Yeah. I think my lady has a podcast, so she's like, I'm not listening to your podcast. I got my own podcast. Oh, that's great. Yeah. I've dated women who listen to me on podcasts, and it's like they just come up with fights with shit I said on the podcast. Ah, that's hilarious. And I'm just like, oh, so now I got to be cautious? I don't want to be cautious on a podcast. Right, right. I mean, I'm drunk.

I have to be drunk and be like, was that a bad thing to say? And we're already worried about the internet. Now I got to worry about you coming at me? Shoot, you said something bad in the podcast. I was like, yeah, I might have been drunk. Yes, that's the name. That's the name of the podcast. Why we named it that? It's a disclaimer, lady. Exactly. Yeah, it's like I have to fight all black Twitter and you. Yeah, right. It's a thing. Sometimes people will do that where they listen to your podcast, especially early in the relationship. They want to hear you on pods.

Stuff like that. And you're like, ooh, this could be a problem. Oh, yeah. I don't think I'm that bad on... No. But at the same time... I think you have a voice of reason. Yeah. Mostly. That's a nice one on here. But every once in a while, every once in a while, you say shit you're not thinking. You're like, hey, I'm just trying to be... The intent is always the joke. Of course. You know? Of course. But it is kind of... I can't imagine ever listening to a woman, like I'm dating on a podcast and just being like, we need to talk. No. I am a little upset with something you said. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think we're wired differently. I think women are like, oh, he's on this podcast. I'll listen. I'll learn more about him. Whereas we're like, I'd like to not learn about you. You know? I don't know your stuff and what you've done. Mark's like, I was hoping you would speak less. I would never seek out extra talking. I mean, this is crazy. I would rather learn in person and get to know you. Of course. Let's meet. Let's hang out. Absolutely. Strong silent type joke? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's an old joke. I can't remember. The premise is basically like a woman is allowed to say, I want a strong, silent type. But a guy can't be like, I like a woman who talks very little. You know, something like that. I need you to shut the fuck up is what you said. Yeah, there you go. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's the right punch right there. That's good. I mean, there's something about. It's a double stand. Also, it's not like I don't get bothered in relationships. I just try to say like, hey, this didn't make me feel good. Like, just be quick. And then I say, OK, I go, OK, we're good. That's it. Just don't do it again. That's it. Yeah.

Why do we need to draw it out and make a whole fight about it? Don't do it again. Yeah. I mean, another one is people who are like, this is kind of a peeve where it's always people who like think therapy is a sham who I'm like, yeah.

You kind of need it. Oh, every time. You know what I mean? I'm not saying everyone needs it, but it does feel like the people who are the most just adamantly against it. I'm like, you should do it. Yes. You know what I mean? Or then you get the people that are like, I gave it a shot. It didn't work. I'm like, I can tell. It didn't work. I can tell it didn't take. It's like the people who on the street say like, don't tell me how to raise my kids. They're the ones that need to know how to raise your kids.

Raise them. Good point. So true. Get Miss Pat in here. Also, why can't people tell you how to raise your kids? You're horrible at it. I was watching an old Mad Men episode where one of the kids is running around recklessly. It's like season one. And another dad slaps him in the face. And you think the kid's dad is going to be like, don't do that. But he's like,

You see, you should behave. You were allowed to hit other people's kids back then. Oh, yeah. I got hit by other parents. I think that's fucking awesome. I think we should bring that. I think strangers should be allowed to hit. I think we should be on a flight and kids are like, wah, I should be able to smack them around a little. It's like outsourcing. Yeah. This pad in here. You got hit by other parents? Oh, yeah. I mean, I didn't get beat up, but it would be like, hey.

You know, stop that. I was like, it's very jarring when you get hit by another parent because you're like, I don't know how to feel. You know, when you get hit by your own mom, you're like, fuck you, mom. But when you get hit by someone else's parent, you're like, I'm going to come. My first direction. Now I need to get my balls stomped on by a stranger.

That's how it starts. How about those Wall Street guys? They love getting the balls stomped on. Yeah, what is that? You're dominant in real life and the sub in the sack? Is that how it goes? That's a cliche, but is that real? I can't say it's always real. My guess is they're the guys who can pay for it.

And so we hear about it. Well, they get, they're so powerful that they have to flip it. Well, you think they feel guilty for all the money they're making and the way they're making it? And they're like, let me pay someone to stomp on my nuts a little bit. I'll keep making the money, but I do, I should get my nuts stomped. There's something to that. Stomping on everyone else's nuts. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yes. I think it's the same way like the super trillionaire millionaire is like this big

charitable guy because he kind of feels guilty about how much money he has. So he's like, here, let me put a bunch in charity. It was like the Wolf of Wall Street guy. He's like, I got my money by ripping off a bunch of people. Let me have a prostitute just punch me in the face a few times, you know? Yeah.

It's guilt. It's probably guilt. And something like subconscious, you know? Yeah. I've never had that urge. I've never made any money. I've never had that urge either. I've made a few bucks, but I've never been like, I need, I get enough shit all day. I don't mind like a tease, like a woman, like kind of like a hint of insult, a little hard to get, but like, not like humiliation. That to me is like, no humiliation is like, I get enough of that at work. Exactly. You know, new material. I'll just go back to, I'll just go back to Toledo. Yeah.

I was just there and it wasn't pretty. Oh my God. Neither were the people, I'll tell you. Rough city. I timed it. Check spot took 40 minutes. 40? My act was 55. So it's a 15 minute non-check. Brutal. I timed it. Were you the funny bone? Yeah. Yeah, that one I've had some rough ones there. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Toledo's just not a good place. It's a bummer. The good thing is you can call out how shitty it is and how much it sucks there, and they're like, we know, we know. No, I bet it'd be more fun now. I played there a good amount coming up, and I was like, man, I am fucking bombing. I remember playing a club there once, and it was called Laffs Inc., L-A-F-F-F.

I've heard of this place. Yeah, didn't last long. And I was the last comic ever to perform there. Yeah, you got the last laughs. If you squeeze that together, it's Laffsink. Laff. Why would they make that? It's Laffs Inc.? Laffs Inc., like Laffs Incorporated. I know, but if you... Oh, okay. I spelled it wrong. There you go. So I remember getting to the airport after this guy drove me there, and I was like, oh, you know, thanks for having me, whatever. Tough week, but, like, thanks. And they were nice enough, and...

And I got to the airport. My manager at the time was like, did you cash the check yet? And I was like, I'm at the airport. What do you mean? Did I cash the check? He goes, cash it immediately. And I was like, what? He goes, they're done. So I remember like texting the guy like, dude, I'm so sorry. And he goes, about what? And I was like, I'm not fucking, I'm not going to be the one to break the news. Jesus Christ. Whoa. I've heard of walking a room. I've never heard of closing a room. I closed it. Holy shit. I closed that room down. Wow.

I almost wish we had like some of the footage from the early days just to see how we handled some of that shit. Cause some of those guys, I mean, I don't want to watch it, but everyone, part of me, like the masochist in me wants to see it a little bit. Yeah, for sure. Cause you do get some moments in those rooms cause they're, you, your back is against the cliff and you're this young comics. You just pull every sword out of your, or out of every tool out of your tool belt, trying to get them over and anything. And it's,

It's ugly. And the beauty of those rooms, though, the one shining light is that there's no stakes and there's no comics there to judge you. So you can just hack it up, fuck with a guy, call a lady a coos or call that guy a douche and get away with it. Yeah.

It's in the middle of nowhere. Oh, I remember saying shit where I'm like, ooh, I'd be in trouble if anyone of any importance was in this room. Exactly. Just going... I remember doing prom shows and like, holy shit, if there's video footage of these, the shit I was saying to these kids, like, you're just like, oh boy. Oh, for sure. Remember when Tosh got in trouble for that rape joke and he's like, I hope you get raped right now. And it got a big laugh and it went on the news and he got in tons of trouble. I was like, man, I said that on Thursday in Youngstown. Mark wasn't even on stage. Yeah.

He said to a woman at the mall. I was talking to a Girl Scout. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I mean, it's just really you deal with so many just rude pieces of shit that of course you snap. Of course. If you didn't snap, that's the person I'm worried about because they're holding it in and they're going to murder a fucking person at some point. Michael Richards was right. Let's finish it up. I think he did nothing wrong. That's not how you handle it, obviously, but damn, was he funny as cream.

So somebody said something to me today. They said, COVID killed some cities. And I said, well, which ones? He said San Francisco. Oh, come on. I was just there. It's great. It's great. Yeah.

I love falling apart getting a lot of bad press a lot of it's the media dude it's like here's my issue with it it's like I think a lot of it's like the media like they want you to think it's a good story like yeah sure like California government has been atrocious but I think a lot of it's a good people did this with New York New York's dead it's not fucking dead shut the fuck up like yeah we got some problems but every city has problems every major densely populated city has problems

But you see it with the media where, like, the Cash App guy gets murdered. Oh, yeah. You can see how badly they wanted it to be a crazy homeless person. Totally. No, guess what? No, it was some fucking dude that he knew. Yeah, he was dating some dude's girl and the guy, a sister. So that guy killed him for dating. But they really were trying to tee it up like, I guess this city's gone to hell. A guy got murdered. And you're like, no. I didn't know that. No. Yeah, somebody knew.

I, so I, and look, I think San Francisco is a great city. So I hate when, I hate when that shit is, uh, it's, I hate when people are like, this city's dead. Shut up. Cities go through stretches. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's a, it's a great city. Well, I think the real test, I didn't know that about the cash app guy. That's crazy. The real test is how many people are leaving.

I think when people are like really exodus on a city, that's a sign. Because I don't live in all these cities. A lot of people left New York. I mean, there was a mass exodus for sure here. But guess what? They're coming back. New young people come here. Right. And that's okay. Some people, you want to move to the suburbs, move to the fucking suburbs. You were probably going to move there anyway. You just probably moved there five years earlier because of COVID. Good point. And the problem with New York, when COVID hit,

New York, the city, is what you're paying for. You're paying for all the restaurants and the nightlife and the energy and all the people. So when the city shuts down, you're like, all I have is this tiny apartment?

I don't get the whole city and I'm paying out of the yin yang for all this fucking this tiny apartment and the groceries are expensive so I get why people left it's like fucking a girl like you're dating her but she's got a bad personality and then she's like no more sex you're like I gotta get out of this exactly that's what it's like great analogy yeah perfect I'll tell you the sex stopped in here do we have any good emails yeah we got a few

Well, do you want to do news stories first? Oh, yeah. We got news. Oh, yeah. Bring on the news. Disregard. Fake news. The news will not replace us. All right. Here we go. This smells so good, too, by the way. Yeah. When you crush up the lemongrass, it just lets out all the aromas. That's like unreal. Very nice. And the thing is, if you have this stick, you put it in your nose, you don't smell anything, but you crush it up.

Everything comes out. It activates it. Yeah, that is like one of the best drinks I've ever had. I'm not a margarita guy at all. It's like when your toilet clogs. If you let it sit, the smell will go away. But right when you flush it,

It activates it. That's exactly how I like to think about my drinks, dude. I clog every toilet on the road. This is like just after I take a number two. I'm going to put that on the next menu. Thank you. Poop, poop, platter. You know when you drop a deuce in the We Might Be Drunk recipe book? There we go. That's the highlight.

All right. So New York 311, that's our non-emergency hotline, is there to log complaints about noises or rats, but has also been there to field some bizarre requests like, can you check if my boyfriend is married? Someone asked that. Ooh.

I like it. Please transfer me to a UFO-ologist. And then one caller asked to be talked through the steps of boiling a live chicken, while another wondered if they can claim their dog on their taxes. Wow. The taxes is not bad. Yeah, it's interesting. That's a good idea. Because it is a... Dependent? Well, it lives with you. It's a roommate.

Who's not paying rent. So I guess that is kind of dependent. You feed it. You house it. You medical it. You play with it. I'm going to guess that person was a Jew. The chicken person was Haitian. And there's a new game show. I love Drunk Sam. What was the other one? Sorry. UFOlogist. Sorry, that guy's a psycho. We know that. Oh, my God. And can you check if my boyfriend is married? That one I get.

Yeah, but that's not for 3-1-1. That's like, again, it's rats. You've got to hire a PI. Yeah, connect me to a PI. A PI. That's what a PI does. I feel like that's most PI jobs. You just, like, rang. That's, you know. Yeah. Can't you check social media for that? That's what sucks about being a lady is there's so many man lies. Well, I bet a lot of men have, if you are the type of dude to do that, you're probably like a private. Ah, true, true. Yeah, there's so many dudes out there.

Because they say women want the top 1% of guys, and so all the other guys are getting nothing. So the top 10% of men, like the successful, tall, good-looking, cool guys, are getting all the pussy. So I think a lot of guys have to lie, and a lot of the guys who are already married, who are in the 10%, still want to fuck other chicks. So they have to start a whole new profile. Yeah.

Does that make sense? The other guys aren't getting laid. So I feel like the women are going after the same guys who are already married because that guy's in the 10%. Interesting. Yeah. See what I'm saying? I mean, it's one thing to be like, this guy I'm seeing, is he married? My boyfriend, is he married? That's fucking, that sucks. That's like, okay, you're in it and you don't trust this person at all. That fucking sucks. Yeah. I mean, that's like. That's tough. Can you imagine? How long is this dude disappearing for?

That's what I want. Like, he's married? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Like, what tipped it off that you're like, this guy's married? You know? What was the clue? I love that you're calling it 301. Like, there's too many rats in this city. Also, does this guy have a wife? Yeah. Does he have another family? Yeah. If you ask me, she's the rat. Thanks. Okay. All right.

A diner divides opinion. Okay. A diner divides opinion. Am I reading this wrong? Diner divides opinion? Yeah, keep going. Okay. After putting banana on pizza. This sentence doesn't make sense. No, it makes sense. Diner divides opinion. People are divided on if that's good or not probably, right? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a place. This is a guy. I thought it was a diner. Okay. So it's a single guy. A guy...

divides opinion after putting banana on pizza. People have been left miffed at the fact that the diner person has put banana on pizza, sparking a debate about whether fruit actually belongs on it or not. People can't decide. I'm in the minority. I think pineapple and pepperoni, if you do it right, it can be really good. We went to this good place in LA. We had it delivered to the venue, and it was like,

pineapple jalapeno pepperoni was fucking great it was like a specialty pie i thought i i think pineapple can be good i know that's like some people think of faux pas but no the hawaiian yeah hawaiian slice but i like pepperoni instead of ham oh interesting i'm with you on the on the pizza but i don't like the pineapple but that's just me so i'm all for it if other people like it go for it but i i don't dig it

As long as the pineapple is in like a circle slice and not the big chunks, I think that's the move. But banana I've never heard of. Banana's weird. Banana's no good. It's weird when you kind of like are trying to be an innovator there too.

I don't like it. It's like, part of me, I know it's not, but part of me is like, are you just trying to get attention? Yeah. I talk about these people the way Republicans talk about trans people. I'm like, are you just trying to... Do you really feel that way? What are you doing? Or are you just faking it for a little buzz online? I don't know. I think he's getting buzzed. This is a Dylan Mulvaney of people. This guy.

Nobody wants banana on a pizza. I'm sorry. It sounds pretty gross, honestly. Yeah, imagine biting into a warm, cheesy pizza with a banana on it, then getting some...

dough and uh tomato sauce with grease and pineapple banana get out of here i'm not so yeah it sounds pretty gross to me and every once in a while i'll be i'll be shocked by flavor combos like look i'll give it prosciutto and melon should not work it's fucking good there are some combos where you're like okay that's fucking good but this one sounds a little you know a little suspect yeah

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So we got one here. A woman finds a man hiding under her bed. Ooh. Thinking that the two felines may have been sleeping under her bed, she reached underneath it only to find her fingertips touching the human skin. Fucking Dave. That guy's bad. Terrified, the 61-year-old woman dialed 911. Wait a minute. Is he dead?

Oh, hold on. Okay, sorry. The man who had been hiding under her bed crept out and then fled via the back door. Whoa. 25-year-old Christian Vatovec. They got him. Later apprehended by police near a canal in the area. He was found in possession of a digital camera and a gold ankle bracelet. Wow. And he got one of those fancy prison bracelets. Damn. Yeah.

That's fucking creepy. That is terrifying. That sucks because I still like everyone. You ever just check into a hotel and you open the closet door? Oh, yeah. You look into the shower. You pull back the shower. Definitely. It sucks that now this woman's going to have to do that for the rest of her life, really have to do that. Yeah. Wow. She's got to get a boyfriend.

This poor lady. He's just a creep. It's weird. You assume the worst. He's going to try to kill you. Thank God that didn't happen. But it's just weird to see a dude under your bed and he's just like, all right, bye. And he leaves. Yeah. Also, forget the cats. Get a Doberman. You got to have a dog around now.

These cats apparently are just licking the guy, you know, while he's under the bed. Around 80 applicants responded to an unusual job advert. These must all be English, right, Peters? Okay. Small advert searching for a cat chef.

The job description stated that the worker has to take care of the town's approximately 70 stray cats. The small town also erected a cat statue and added a feline to its emblem to rebrand itself as Russia's foremost cat-loving community. Okay. Well, that's the last erection going up in that town. But do you need a cat chef? How about Prerina? Sheba? Yeah.

Meow mix. We don't need a chef. Especially for the ear. Why are they eating this well? Milk? The strays? Yeah. Put on a glass of milk. Did I say... What did I say? Man, you were really slipping, Salicus. He said chef. By the way, I'm dyslexic. And this is painful for me. Apparently.

We need a non-dyslexic Google page. What the hell? We should have had that written in your job requirement here. By the way, I can't read. Jesus. That's fucking great. A cat chef. That changes everything. All right. All right. A drunk man steals car and realizes he doesn't know how to drive. Damn. Police notice this strange behavior. Is this about me? That's what I was thinking.

The police noticed strange behavior of a man sitting in a car parked in front of a cafe. When asked to identify himself, the man had no formal documents, no driver's license, no registrations for the vehicle that he was sitting in. He also exhibited signs of intoxication. Well, it'd be funny if it was you and then you're like, fuck, I'll get on a bike. Ah, shit. Can't do that either. I'm kind of incompetent.

I think vehicles. You're not going to vehicles. I'm not a big vehicle guy. I saw someone try to zing me like he's 36 and doesn't even have a driver's license. I've got a license. I just can't drive. That says more about our driving test in America. I know. I charmed my way into my license. There you go. I failed twice and the third time I go, please don't fail me. And she laughed.

And I passed. Oh, really? Yeah, it was terrible. But she found me funny. I was like, all right. Where'd you, in Midtown? I was like in the Bronx. Whoa. But I was like, please don't fail me. I've already failed twice. And I got a laugh at her. I was like, all right. That didn't work with my age test. I was like, please, I failed two. Okay, this is our last one. Thank God. High school sophomore. How much of this are we actually keeping? I think half. Half?

Keep going. High school sophomore discovered to be over 30 years old. Whoa.

Charity Ann Johnson attended Texas high school. What's going on in Texas? For eight months after enrolling as a 15-year-old sophomore. Damn, she must look good. Pull her up. Here we go. Can we see what Charity Ann Johnson looks like? This is like a bad 80s movie. You know, hey, I'm going back to school. I got to learn my squared roots. Oh, there she is. Yeah, she looks young.

Not in the mugshot. Jesus Christ. She aged a lot from one to two right there. Yeah. Holy shit. You rarely see people look good in a mugshot. True. Yeah, Gary Busey. Yeah, not a good James Brown. You're thinking of mugshots. Yeah. Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte, that's what I'm thinking, not Gary Busey.

Nick Nolte's is rough. He's got a Hawaiian shirt on. Pull up Nick Nolte's mugshot if you can. Oh, sorry. Salicu's mugshot. Brutal. Yeah, and he looks rough. He's in a Hawaiian shirt. His hair is all out of place. I hear he's dyslexic. Yeah, weird brass shirt. I think he's rather handsome. Are you kidding? He was a handsome guy. Yeah, he was. Look at that. He looks like hell. This crazy hair.

Jesus God. That's the movie as he goes back to school. I'm a second grade student. Everyone's like, what? Second grade. Fucking Gary Busey's in second grade. I used to get that mixed up. Just remake Billy Madison with Gary Busey. It's the R-rated Billy Madison. You got any bits you're working on? Yeah, let's do some bits.

Let's redeem this shit. We're going to have to cut a lot of that, man. That was fucking rough. Yeah, there was some dead air there. Sorry. We got to look at those before, I think. I think so, yeah. We didn't have Becky Owen here with the paper. What is this shit right here? This is spicy. No, this on the rim? Oh, that's Saheem. Saheem. Got to put this on my lady's ass. Yeah. It's like a little chili salt.

Oh, you wrote them down on like fucking by hand? I always go hand. I have them too, but I put them on my phone also. I have to email myself. I got some real bad takes, some bad ideas, some half-assed, half-baked thoughts. Yeah, what do you got?

All right. Is this anything? Yeah. I was watching the NFL draft. You know, fun seeing these young guys, you know, their whole dreams are coming true. But wouldn't it suck if the NFL draft was like the military draft where they just recruited randos? Like if your number got called, like, hey,

Hey, sir, I know you're a 5'8", 150-pound gamer, but you're playing for the Browns. You got drafted. I don't know if that sucks. I think that'd be hilarious. That's how it should work. That would be fun. Yeah, I think that's how we should do the—actually, they have to take one guy that's horrible and play him every game. Yes, yes. And he's like, whoa, I can't play—you got to do it for your country. You got to guard Odell Beckham for one possession. Yes, yes. You're on the Patriots. Yeah, I think that's funny. All right.

I can't remember if it was a comedian or something. Not like that. But he was like, to make baseball interesting, you know how you have the ceremonial first pitch? He goes, I think that should count.

I think you should have Danny DeVito throwing out the first pitch. Oh. And then Fernando Tatis hits it for a home run. Who is that? I don't know. Oh, that's funny. Pretty funny, though. I think it's, man, you know how to great joke back in the day Dwayne Perkins had a joke about in the playoffs. The guys always come on like, this is all about who doesn't want to go home. And he's like, what's about more than that? Yeah. You got to be talented. Like, if you take the Oakland Raiders and put them up against a bunch of abused kids, those kids don't want to go home. Ah.

That's a great joke. That's great. Yes. That's a fucking great bit. All right. NFL Draft. All right. I'll keep it then. You think there's something there? Legs? Yeah. Halfie? Halfie. Okay. I got something about an idea about like these bakeries who will make wedding cakes for gay weddings. Oh, yeah. I just think it's like funny to like you spend your whole life like you're making sweets and you're just hateful. Yeah.

Like your entire day you're in the back room with frosting and sugar and pastries and you're just back there like, you know what fucking pisses me off?

You know, I think there's something about that. It's like the gayest occupation in the world. That's what I mean. It's like a very, like, it should be like a happy, it's like being an anti-Semite and you just like work in a toy store or something. Right. It's just weird. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I don't know. Yeah, you're making cakes for a living. Yeah. And it's weird to be like, I'm in love with this guy. Like, eh.

That's a little too far. Yeah. You make red velvet. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's not natural. Neither is red velvet. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You have rainbow sprinkles. You're right there. You're so close to gay weddings. Yeah, rainbow sprinkles. I hate the rainbow. That's the color of your sprinkles. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck the rainbow. Yeah, that's something there. You're already packing fudge. Okay. Ooh, there we go. Okay. Yeah, well, they can stop you from selling it, but they can't stop you from deep-throating a Claire in front of them if you go in there. All right, I don't know.

What do you got? Is this anything? So my lady's always giving me shit. She's like, you don't listen, you don't listen. And she's right. I'm not a good listener when she's telling a story. But she doesn't listen during movies. Every movie watch is like, who's he again? Why are they fighting? And I'm like, I don't listen to you, but you don't listen during movies. And at least with movies, we can pause it.

I wish I could pause her and be like, hold on. I got to take a shit. Let me rewind. This part's boring. I'll fast forward. And then she's like, so I got no fight with my friend at work. And I'm like, I've seen this one. That's the punchline. Or maybe she goes and you go, fuck this. I'll just watch it tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'll binge.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I binge this show. I would never binge your stories. Yes. I'd never be like, I can't wait for the next one. Right, right. And I know you have that Woody Allen joke. That's a classic. Yeah, he's having a joke about like, I was dating a girl and she came home and she's like, she keeps talking. I'm trying to watch Annie Hall and she goes, are you ignoring me during...

Annie Hall and I was like was your story nominated for seven Academy Awards great joke yeah so I didn't want to get too close to that no I think I think you're fine but I think yeah the remote thing I would never binge your stories there's something like about like uh

Yeah, it's also like I've heard your stories. That's the other thing. It's like... I hate reruns. That was another joke I had. It's about like, you know, when you walk in, you're passing a store and you're like, I love that Chinese restaurant. She goes, you've told me that. I was like, yeah, well, you're the only person I hang out with. I spend all my time with you. There's going to be reruns. I can't bring it every night, you know? Right. The bit was like something like...

TV show, like Dayton is like a TV show where the writing gets progressively worse. Like season one, you're like, this is fucking good. And then season three comes around. You're like, we got to kill off a character. Oh, yeah. That was a punch. I remember that one. Rooftop special. But I think, yeah. But I think that's far. I think this bit is far from both of those. Okay, great. It would be great to have a remote with a lady. Yeah. I'll pause it. Yeah, I'll pause it. I'll pause it. Check it out later. I'll watch it later. I think Adam Sandler did that.

What? Oh, click. Oh, yeah. Also, can I read the info bar? See if I want to listen to the story? Get me the trailer, maybe. You're like, you got anything on sports? Yeah. You should mute it and do the subtitles. Ah, the mute would be nice. Well, that's the problem. We're so used to controlling everything that we take in and then she's choosing now.

Oh, good point. You're like, fuck, I don't want to hear this. Can I do a different story? Right. No, you got to hear this one. Yeah, like when a podcast does ads, you can just skip. Be nice to do that with a lady. Or a guy. All right, what else you got?

So I found out I say the word Nazi too much. I call people Nazis too much. I get angry. It was taking me forever to board on Amtrak, and I was like, fucking Nazis. And I realized if they were actually Nazis, I'd be on the train by now. Oh, that's great. You know what I mean? That's great. Like, look, the destination wouldn't be as good, but we'd get where I was going. Yeah, that's great. All right, there we go. If I was going to Auschwitz instead of Columbus, I'd be there.

They were efficient. They were efficient. You got to give them that. I'll tell you. Efficient people, the Nazis. Yeah, no delays with Nazis. Although you wouldn't get your luggage. They just threw all that in a pile. Yeah. You're like, where are my shoes? Don't ask. Yeah, you wouldn't get your luggage. Also, you'd have to ride with your family, maybe. No seats. But yeah, it's true. There's a lot of delays on Amtrak, but...

Also, on Amtrak, the only difference is we're trying to get on the train. Everybody's got a bottleneck going to get on that thing. There was no cafe car with the... You don't have any bagels? Yeah. That's big. That's something there. That bit's... What else you got? That's stage ready, I think. What do you got? Um...

all right so i was playing a video game the other day which i rarely do and the lady came home she's really upset she's crying she's like i gotta go fight with my boss at work i hate her she drives me crazy blah blah i'm like yeah i'm fighting with the boss too here and then uh she's like are you playing a video game you're so mature you're so childish and she ripped the cord out or the the controller out of my hand and i remember being like oh geez this is like a whole another video game you know and i'm like

I went from a video game to an escape room. I'm like, how do I get out of this? You got to beat this boss to get back to that boss. Exactly, yes. And then the joke, or it keeps going. That part I can't really figure out. And then it keeps going where I'm like, I am childish. I am immature. But women, you guys are immature in the bedroom. You like to be spanked. You call us daddy. We play with all your toys. And then I thought maybe I could rip the vibrator out of her hand. Like that to be able to tie it all up.

I don't know. I don't know where to go with it. Vibrator's funny, yeah. So I got the toys. I got the Spank. I got the Daddy. Those are all immature. That's their vibrating controller or something? Yeah, yeah. Or like her... There's something funny about how both our toys vibrate. Yeah, true. I don't know. Something about... It's kind of two different bits that I'm trying to connect. Right, right, right. Fighting with her, because the original joke was...

You're going to call me childish while you're crying? That's pretty bold. And I thought, well, that's... Then she shits her pants. Yeah, I don't know. It's a tough one. I can't crack it. Yeah, well, it's two different bits. Yeah. Because the first one is about like, you know, but I think they're connected, right? Yeah, because they're both a mature thing. I'm playing a video game. She's getting spanked. She's calling me daddy. She's using toys. She's mad at you for...

You're ignoring her for the video game. Yeah, she's ignoring me with the vibrator. The difference is, maybe the joke is, when you play with the vibrator, when you want to play, it's kind of like when she wants to play video games. You're like, all right, but you're not that good at it. Ooh, that's interesting. You know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe I invite her to play the video game with me. You're just hitting the same button. She's like, well, that's what you're doing with the vibrator. Yeah, that's not bad. I don't know.

Well, do you know how like when you're getting hit by a boss in a video game, your controller vibrates? That's supposed to be like a bad thing, right? But when her vibrator vibrates, that's a good thing, right? So you just like tie those two together. It's like I'm getting killed over here, but I'm living over here. Right, right. Yeah. Do people know about that? The vibrator vibrating? Okay, okay. That's a tough one. All right, all right. I'll try to connect the vibrator with the controller. There's a lot here.

Yeah. I had one about, like, you ever date a new person and it makes you realize that your past 17 relationships are all toxic because she's actually, like, nice to you? Like, she woke up from a nightmare and I was like, I am so sorry. And she was like, why are you sorry? It's not your fault. And I was like, oh, my God. It's not my fault. Yeah.

Yeah. It's something about like, it just puts in perspective, you know what I mean? Everything. Yeah. Maybe it's like you've worked in all these horrible jobs and you finally have benefits. Yeah. And you're like, can I get all? Yeah. You have eight days of vacation time. You're like, what? You know, some comparing it to something where you're like, wow, this is crazy. It's so much easier. Yeah.

Like maybe you lived in a work camp your whole life in Russia and then you get to America. You're like, hey. Yes. I can live freely. I think you're right. I think it needs an analogy probably. Or maybe it's when you move out. You know, it's like you live with your parents and they're just busting your ass all day, yelling at you, making you do chores. Then you're like, move out and live with eight guys. And you're like, well, we can eat cake in the morning. Yeah, there's something. I don't fucking know. What do you got? There's something there.

Uh, you've been beating your whole life? Hold on, alright. Alright, is this anything? I'm so annoyed how addicted to my phone I am. I'm so addicted to my phone. And I think it's... Two things have fucked young people up is phones and Adderall. And they're actually quite similar. They're addictive, they keep you up at night, and our parents gave them to us so we'd stop annoying them. You know, and then I'm like, uh...

The phone. And when you run out of Adderall or your phone dies, you act the same way. You're like, I got to call my provider. You know, I got to get hooked up. I need another line. Another line like phone line. Line is. I don't know if it reads. It might. People do snort Adderall. I never did that shit, but I think some people do it. Yeah. I could change the Coke line.

You know, you could say, hey, it's addictive. I think Adderall is better. I think a line might work. Does it hit? I haven't tried it, but I'm worried. Phone line almost sounds like a landline because no one talks about a phone line. Yeah. Wait. So say that the last part again. When you run out of Adderall or when you your phone dies or, you know, let's say flush it down the toilet. Both of them. You're like, I got to call my provider. I got to get hooked up. I got to pay some money. Got to get a new line.

I gotta get a new hookup. Yeah. I gotta get a new, yeah. Get some juice. Yeah, there's 5G, 5 grams. There's some guy out here who's like, you need the 5G, 4G, LTE. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Buy it in Chinatown. Buy a knockoff.

You can't trade in your old Coke for a better Coke. Yeah, yeah. You can't be like, this is bad Coke. Can I get good Coke? Yeah. This is a Samsung. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough one. I love a good comparison joke. These two things are alike, and you start throwing out examples of how they're alike. Yeah. Phone. Uh-oh. A lot of dead air on this one. No, no, no. We're thinking. That's fine. It's a...

Phone and Adderall. You need a subscription or with a phone you need a prescription. With a phone you need a account. What do you call it when you get a phone? There's no family plan for Coke. Oh, there is for Adderall. You know, your parents buy it for you. Yeah. Kind of have to go through your mom to get it. On both accounts, the government is listening. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Phone keeps you up at night. It connects you with people. Adderall, you're making connections. You're dealing. You really want to start a business with both. Maybe when you drop either in the toilet, you're like, fuck my life. Yeah, yeah. Coke or a phone, maybe. I don't know. There's like... Right. There's a lot of examples here. Yeah. Screen time. Maybe there's a way to connect them. When you use Adderall, you look at your phone too much. Ah, shit. Yeah.

Adderall intake. Oh, boy. All right. Let me try another. Hit me with another. Is this funny at all? This is joke writing, folks. Does this generation even know what wedgies are or something I wrote? I feel like the bullying is so different. Now it's all, you used to get your underwear ripped up your asshole. It was a simpler time. Now, what do you do? You ruin someone's life over the internet. Yeah. I think the angle is like, it just doesn't have the personal touch. Ah.

You know what I mean? We were like goons back in the day, and these kids are like international supervillains. Right, right. We're like, we just ruined your underwear. These kids are like, what's your social security number? Oh, yeah. Or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, back then we'd swirl you. Now it's steal your identity. There's something to that, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Back then it took a little sweat. You had to burn some calories to fuck with a guy. Swirly, wedgie, dunk them in the toilet.

He hung their shorts up on the flagpole. It was a little effort. A little effort, but it was also just, like, not nearly as bad. No, no, no. You might come home. You might. There's an older bit I used to have about, like, how, like, back in the day, they would, like, beat the shit out of you. But now it's, like, you get catfished. Yes. It's, like, you know, you would, like, get a black eye back in the day. But now you, like, take a Greyhound to Syracuse. Ugh.

And you're like, I thought you'd be a woman. Yeah. You know, it could be a funny joke. Back in my day, you got wit-willed. Now you get catfished. Yeah. It kind of sounds similar, but. Yeah, that was an older bit. Fuck.

This is big. I like this. Jokes are fucking hard. They're so hard, but this is good. Yeah. It was so micro. Now it's like a macro. Like we ruin your life. We take your credit card account. We take your social security. We get your identity. Oh my God. How many texts do you get now where it's like, this is UPS. I'm like, no, it ain't. Yes, exactly. This is a Nigerian prince.

You got anything else? It was very analog back then. Like a wedgie is very hands-on. Yeah. Versus, you know, scamming old people. All right, this is horrible. What do we have? Anything else? I got a bit for you. Please. People always say if you have sex with your clone, is that gay? But nobody ever asks, is it pedophilia?

Because clones have to start as babies and you raise them up. When I was 12 and masturbated, I didn't get arrested for touching a 12-year-old. But if I helped jerk off my clone, is that pedophilia? Interesting. That's fucking... I mean, this is a complex bit here, man. Yeah, very complex. We talk about going back and killing baby Hitler. We never go back to fucking ourselves. This is a sci-fi novel here. Yeah. Is it pedophilia? Well, I guess it depends at what age. It's also incest. Did you groom yourself? No.

Now you got pedophilia, incest, and cloning. And gay. Yeah. There's a lot of boxes we're checking here. I think we hit most of Reddit. Yeah. Oh, man. I think that's cool. I was going to say, I think it's really cool. Mark Norris says, thumbs up. Fucking yourself is fine.

You know, it's kind of like how you can make a joke about yourself. Like, you can't make a joke about black people because they're like, hey, you're not black. That's weird. But if you make it, you fuck yourself, it's okay.

Let me try another one. All right. I was talking to a guy and he goes, he goes, you know, wasted potential is the worst thing in the world. And I was like, oh, it's pretty bad. And he was like, you know, this is a weird example, but Hitler, you know? And I was like, uh-huh. That is a weird example. That is a weird one. He goes, you know, could have been much bigger, you know? Could have been much bigger. Made a few wrong choices. And I was like, yeah, man, I don't know if that's wasted. Like, I don't like Hitler. I wouldn't call him an underachiever. Ah.

I feel like he did his damage. It's also weird to be like, you know who wasted – like I think wasted talent. I'm not like – you know who comes to mind is Lindsay Lohan and Hitler. Yeah. Both should have had a bigger impact. Yes. He should have – yeah, he should have maybe made a few different decisions maybe in Dunkirk and she should have tried to find a way to sign on for Mean Girls 2. I don't know. Right, right.

He could have taken a few vacations. He's literally the poster guy for doing too much. Six million Jews is a good number. Right. He killed them. I don't call it a good number. Well, you know what I mean. It's a high number. It's called a very upsetting number, actually. It's a big number. I think there's a Louis C.K. but he's like, he killed a few too many Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that's great. It's so true. It's a weird choice. But he was, he achieved a lot. You know, you can't deny that. Yeah. I call him an overachiever. Yeah. Yeah. He definitely achieved too much.

Yeah. Yeah, he did a lot. I mean, the camps, the trains, the rounding up, the not to mention... What's that? The invading. Invading, the manufacturing. He made all these planes and... Great painter, too. Yeah, solid painter. I'd say he's one of my favorite, yeah. I'm a big Francis Bacon and Hitler man. Those are my two. He's an artist. The man's an artist. No, that's big.

Yeah. All right. This is horrible. All right. What do you got? All right. So I was thinking back to my single days and how hard it was to like meet a lady, you know, like go up to a woman and hit on her just cold. I remember you doing pretty damn well. Well, I learned the ropes a little, but it was a lot of it was what I equated to hooking up with a woman you don't know is like trying to get through TSA without a ticket.

You know, you had to like go, I'm a good guy. You know, you have to be charming. You have to work your way through. But once you've already hooked up with a girl, that was like pre-check. She's like, oh, yeah, you're good. Come on in. But once you get married, then you're part of the flight crew. She's like, you again? You're here? I didn't even know you were here today or whatever. I need a good...

Marriage one. It's funny, too, that like, except you're the one trying to pat them down. Oh, yeah. But yeah, you're in. You're in. No ticket. Yeah. No ticket is single. They're like, why would I let you in? I know nothing about you. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I need to vet you a little. Yeah. But once you're in, you got pre-checked. Come on in. You don't even have to get dressed. You're trying to get your stuff in here? Right. Right. Right.

But marriage is clear. No one knows what clear is. What about marriage is like the pilot trying to get the gate of the plane into the gate. Oh, like talking to the control tower. The pilot versus the control tower. Yeah, but now we're on security. They know him, but they still won't. Right, right. They still won't let him in. Oh, that's not bad.

Because he's like, we got to wait. We got to wait till they let us. That happens every time, right? Yeah. We're going to taxi a while. Yeah. So now I'm like the horny husband who's like, I'm waiting for you to be ready. Oh, that's interesting. We flew in a little early, even though the control tower wasn't letting us because of overcast sky. Yeah, yeah. There's some red clouds on the horizon. Of course.

There's something about not letting you in. I need to make sure that you're not dangerous. Treat you like a terrorist, I think. Yes. The word dangerous, I think, resonates for both. Right. Because women are like, I can't go home with you. I don't even know you could be a murderer. Yeah. Yeah.

which you had to go i'm not a murderer i'm a good you know here's here's my id trust me i'm supposed to be on this plane you know like i think uh i think you're gonna want me to get through security but then when you once you've already had sex with them then it's you're in then you're stamped pre-check then you're like you up and they're like come on over and that's when a pat down actually makes a difference like all right what are you carrying here huh you have enough yeah yeah

But the marriage thing, that's where I'm struggling. Flight, that's not bad. Control tower. Control tower's not bad. The vagina's a control tower. I mean, think about the movie Airplane. That was the whole thing. Yeah, that was a great movie. That was my favorite hangover movie. Oh, really? Every time, yeah, absolutely. So good. Dad and Grandma's Boy. All right. Love Grandma's Boy. I got one. I have a whole chunk on companies.

you know, trying to let you know their opinions on things. I kind of make fun of Netflix and HBO, like trying to be like allies. And I have a bit about, you know, Bud Light. And now I'm working on a bit like, you know, basically saying like years ago, Chick-fil-A made this mistake. They were anti-gay marriage, which is like, you know,

You make chicken. No one gives a shit. No one, like if you have poultry opinions, great, but like no one gives a fuck. I was like, if you, if you want to tell us your bad, if you want to tell us your fucked up social commentary, at least work it into the ad. You know what I mean? Like, uh, we at Chick-fil-A were against a woman's right to choose unless it's a, uh, unless you choose the morning, uh, chicken biscuit breakfast sandwich, uh,

or something like that yeah yeah you know what i'm going for here sure sure i'm flubbing the delivery here but it's something there i think wait wait you're saying if you're gonna have a controversial opinion yeah at least working out of the ad somehow so it's not just out of nowhere you're just like shocking us like why are you telling us your anti-gamer has nothing to do with your product oh interesting

But if they work it in the ad, they won't sell. I know, but at least then it makes sense. It makes no sense why you're just telling people, you know, you don't like gay people getting married. It's kind of like, why did you even say that? You're a chicken place. You sell chicken. Yeah. Tell me about your sides or something or your fucking, you know, lemonade. I don't know. Oh, at least make it... At least make it relevant. Right. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Make it relevant. Like, put it into the...

The pitch. Right, right. Yeah. But you got to put in the pitch where it's still, the food is still sellable. Exactly. Yeah. All right. We're against gay marriage, but we're not against the meeting of chicken and Polynesian sauce or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that the Polynesian sauce place? Oh, yeah. They got honey mustard. They got barbecue. Never eaten there before in my life. Oh, it's good. A side of double butter oppression potatoes. It is good. That homophobia really adds to the flavor. We put the home in homophobia. Yeah, there you go. Home cooking. Homo cooking. Yeah. I like putting that in the ad.

And then you could do that for the cake. You could call back to the cake. I'm trying to connect all this shit. Yeah, the cake is like... See us on the road, folks. It'll all come together. We don't approve of laying down with another man, but we do approve of laying down seven layers of icing or something. Right, right. All right. Well...

This is all shit right here. Should we wrap it up? I think so. Well, I'm buzzed. We've been drinking all day. This is probably too much alcohol in our lives, but what are you going to do? Can you get out of that box right there? Oh, we got boxes. That banner. We won a contest. Wow. Yeah.

The YouTube channel Joke World did a March Madness. Oh! And we won. Is that right? Yeah. I don't even know what that is. How does that work? They put a bunch of different podcasts, comedy podcasts against each other and we came out on top. What?

Who did we beat out? Last round was Chrissy Chaos. Oh, my God. Suck it, Christy. An honor to be against our good friend Chris DiStefano and also suck our penis, Chris. Yeah, blow me with your weird glasses. We love you, buddy. Thank you. That's a great YouTube channel, Joke World. Check it out. And what is this? Dick fuel? They give me T-shirts. That guy makes zines.

Not magazines. Zines. He took the MAGA out of magazine. Oh, we got a card here. Open bar, free food. Need we say more? Save the date. We're tying the knot. Dear Sam and Mark, we know Atlanta's a long way from NY, but we wanted to tell y'all

We're saving a seat and a paper plane in honor of our favorite comedians, Pod. Thanks for putting on some of the best shows you've ever seen. Cheers, Colin and Alex. Hey, mazel tov. Thank you very much. How cute. That's a hot couple. Send us photos of you guys making out. Hold on. Did they send us this? Oh, okay. This is different. What's that? What?

There you go. There you go. Sam and Mark, we got a little card here. Whoa, Nelly. What do we got here? It says, well, this is a long thing, but Sam and Mark, I caught your Neil Brennan app where you guys all said you don't feel sexy. I know this is a podcast.

by comedians with other comedians and a few randos. So I am 98% certain you were all joking, but in case, here's a reminder to feel and think of yourselves as sexy. Seriously and gen... Sure. Seriously and genuinely, I am fat as fuck. All right. Sexy bitches. I'm a fat as fuck brown girl, not Lizzo, another one, can feel sexy and relate to DJ Khaled's song for free. Then you can...

Then you two can feel it too. Sorry, the handwriting is a little jumbled. I had these small tokens with an affirmation made for you to always remind you of your sexiness. Wow. It ain't going to work, but I appreciate it. For free is a song where Drake ruminates on his own sexual prowess. By the time he reaches the chorus, he realizes he's so good at sex that he should be compensated. Well, I will never feel that way, but thank you. Wow, what a nice lady. Read that.

Sam, for those hopefully rare times that Gary can't join you on the road, trigger warning. Corny, cheesy, encouraging messages. Feel free to toss in the trash. If it's not your jam, what is it? Did I fart in this card? Maybe. Whoa, a gift card. Mark, you seem to get uncomfortable when complimented and praised, so I will try to keep this short and emotionless as possible. Oh, God, I can't read this. This is going to be sappy and gay.

You opened it, so check it out. This gets worse. Free shirts are awesome and stolen shirts are thrilling to you. But you also deserve to choose one and buy a shirt for no other reason than you feel and look good in it. Please treat yourself to a shirt that makes you feel worth it. Be it a leopard print, silk button-up shirt, or plain well-fitting shirt. Whatever you get, get something that you love but would normally talk yourself out of because of lost...

Because of cost or because you already have enough shirts? P.S. Bert Kreischer seems passionate about a James purse T-shirt, or maybe he's just sponsored by them. All right. Those are fancy shirts. Are they? Yeah. Okay. Well, we love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. I got a Walgreens gift card I see here. What is yours? Visa. Visa.

Oh, yeah. No, mine's too, but I think it says Walgreens. Oh, yeah. I guess they bought it at Walgreens. Thank you. This is too much money, whoever that was. This is stupid. Thank you so much. We love you. And should we plug some dates or something here? Yeah. When does this come out, Matt? It'll be the end of May.

Man, we are backlogging like motherfuckers. All right. Well, you can see me in Portland, Maine. Fucking... Good city. Oh, I love it. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Mashantucket, Connecticut. Richmond, Virginia. Greensboro, North Carolina. Asheville, Charlotte. Knoxville. Memphis.

Birmingham, Chattanooga, Nashville, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. Way more. So many dates coming up. They're all on samorell.com. Yeah, we got Columbus on there. We have to reschedule that in Cincinnati, Bethlehem, York, all that shit. But it's all on my website now. See you there. Hell yeah. I'm all over the road. I'll see you in Australia. I'll see you in Austin, Toronto. You name it.

Check out the website. Then I'm announcing a theater tour. It should be already out by the time this comes out. So check my website. Check the tabloids. You name it. Thank you. Netflix special coming out soon. And we'll see you all in hell. Thanks a lot. Praise Allah. We love you. We put up. I'm out to lunch.