Ep 129: Mike Vecchione
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Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. Good to see you folks. It's been too long. You've been on the road in a bus. I don't even know who you are. A good friend, Mike Vecchione. Hey, Mike. Thank you. Fresh off his new special.

Produced by our other pal, Nate Bargatze. Yes. And directed by him. Yes. And available for free now on YouTube. I'll start with a plug. And it's killer. Mike is one of the best joke writers in the biz. Give him a watch. Over a million views already. So if you're late to the party, get on it if you haven't seen it.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Nateland. Nateland Productions. I love it. I love the- Comics helping comics. Yes. Late to the party is a weird expression because it is good to be a little late to a party. Oh, yeah. That's true. The first person at a party is kind of a tool. Right.

We don't want to be too late. The first person talks about themselves in the third person. All right. This is a good, I'm going to text Seinfeld that bit premise. Late to the party. You don't want to be too late. All right.

But yeah. How do you feel? You got it out. It's done. It's all good. It's done. And now I'm just doing the other half of the business, which I didn't expect, which is the promotional part of it. We thought the writing of it and the performing of it and getting that together was hard. Oh, yeah. Podcast tour now and getting...

Instagram clips and getting things to go viral in order to sell tickets. Well, I'm sorry. I was happy to see you. Sorry. This is such a chore, Mike. This is the best. No, we're happy to have you on here, man. No, but I know you mean doing the press. You know what I mean? It's like we all just want to do it and then put it out and have it get seen. But unfortunately, that's not where we live now. No. So it's like we have to go out and like

push it and pump it and everything to get people to look at it it's bittersweet though but then when people do look at it they're like this was amazing it's kind of like they have to make the discovery on their own yeah you know it's like or if you say it or if you both guys say Mark Sam suggested this and it's like now I'm hooked so it's like them taking the suggestion and them watching it then they become a fan love it yeah yeah it's a bitch to do but

It's better to get the views. Yes, it is. You might as well do it. Yes, it is. And you never know. You might get a new fan. Right. So you got to do it. Right. But it does suck. Or OnlyFan. Aha. OnlyFan? Yes. Is it joke heavy? A lot of people are on that. Yeah. OnlyFans is huge. It's insane. Can we do the next special that way? They did a roast on there. Yeah. Sorry, I stepped on your fist. They did two roasts on there.

Oh, really? Well, Whitney and Burt. Oh, yeah, on OnlyFans. Yeah. I think they're trying to legitimize and go over to non-pussy. Is that the new platform? That's one of them. It's either that or Reddit. Ah, I'm scared of Reddit. Yeah.

I guess the creator of The Only Fans was at my show in Miami, and Whitney just gave him my number. So he's like, I got a bunch of chicks here. And I was like, don't be so Only Fans all the time. Maybe suggest a restaurant we could go to. But...

Damn, did you go? I did. We were off to the next gig. That'd be funny if you hooked up with a girl and she's like, that'll be $5.99. You are an orphan. Women, I feel like every woman just sells pictures of their feet. Who are these feet people? They're huge. They're out there. He's one. They hide. They hide in the woods. These people.

Well, that's more of them responding to the demand from men, for sure. I mean, we demand feet now, I feel like. Do you guys feed guys? I'm not. I wish I was, because there's feet everywhere. The sandals, the open toe, the beach. It's a jackpot. I like pussy. You don't see that around. And if you do, it's never good.

It's always a lady on the sidewalk. I hope his wife's not listening. No, I mean, like I'm saying, random puss. You don't ever see clam out in the wild. Right, that's true. Right. You know. But what is the attraction to feet, though? What, uh...

Anyone. What is it? People find them sexy. Yeah. It's like another set of hands. I don't find hands sexy. That's the way people... I'm an elbow man. Well, you find a hand job. Yes. A hand job. A foot is another set of hands. That's another one. Foot jobs are a thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's weird. There's foot job, hand job, boob job. Blow job. Blow job. Blow job. A lot of jobs. What a country. This is a Seinfeld bit. What a country. Someone takes your girlfriend, they're taking your jobs. We need more jobs. That's what Obama said. These prostitutes are taking our jobs.

There's Boob Jobs. Steve Jobs. What are we drinking here? Tech bust. That was up to Steve Jobs. And welcome back, Beer Juba. Oh, yeah. You've been all over the world. He got his fill of ladyboys and he's back for more. Yeah. That's why he came here. Tug job. All right.

I thought you guys would all be drinking Bud Lights. Or as I call it, gender fluid. But Budweiser is still for straight guys. Bud Light. Oh, my God. You've got to pull up the... It's two options. I can't stop watching this old ad. Remember the Coors Light twins commercials? And the twins. Oh, yeah. This is what viewer commercials used to be. Pull this up, Matt. It's on YouTube. Just the...

well wait how would you pull that up how would you we cut you off completely there oh it was awesome i mean saw a lot of ladyboys okay and then uh not not actually i stayed on the islands but uh

Hung out everywhere and saw a bunch of stuff. Went to like, I went all over like nine different countries. Wow. Saw some We Might Be Drunk fans. Hey! In Taiwan. Really? Taiwan? Yeah. We have quite a following there apparently and they showed me around. It was awesome. We like to Taiwan on. There you go. Oh. See you all in hell. We just lost our Thai fans. Taiwanese. Thailand, Taiwan.

Different. Right. Yes. You're turning into William Shatner? What the hell? What the hell was that? Play this ad real quick. This is what beer commercials used to be.

What the fuck is this? This isn't the ad. That was like when I was about to blow a low and they show the guy's face in the photo. Go just type in the Coors Light twins. I did. That's what came up. There's other ones. You were a bad Google bitch. I found this instantly. What year are we talking here? It's at 2001. Wow. That was when I graduated high school. Ha ha.

Meanwhile, he probably wrote about his children. You can't even hit a quarterback like that. That's dirty. Right. It was a different time, folks. This was not even weird. That was normal. That was normal. Just Don Draper in a room. What are people like? Twins. Fucking twins. This is what it used to be. Just like the most pandering shit.

Watching my team win. Yeah. It's the most pandering shit ever. And that's Coors Lake. Can you imagine what Coors was? Oh, man. Good point. Dude, it was just football...

Eating too much and twins. Twins. They did a thing. It wasn't just football. It was violent quarterback sacks. Yeah. I love that. Like you can see the CTE happening. Right. And then cut to twins. They should do one now, but it's just like shit you don't like. I hate all these mashudines. Toxic masculine. But I like twins. Like the Minnesota twins. Yeah.

Damn, it's really, beer commercials went a different way. Yeah. Let me just say, back to the hand job, foot job, blow job. Okay. Hand job is good. Yeah. Foot job is good. Blow job, good. Boob job is worked on. You see what I'm saying?

You fuck a foot, you fuck a hand, you fuck a mouth for a blowjob, handjob, footjob, but a boob job means you got your boobs done. Right. It's called a titty fuck. Ooh. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Shouldn't have brought it up. Yeah. I think I got something there. No. Yeah, those guys all do. One is, three of them are all work. For the dick. And one is getting, is like the object. You're getting work done to. Yeah, yeah. It's not fucking tits. Yeah. Whereas fucking a foot is a foot job, though, is a...

Oh, yeah. Butt job. No, no. Butt job means you got a lift. Yes. Yeah, a lift. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Interesting. A lift? In England, it's an elevator. Yes. Or the opposite of Uber. Right. Okay. All right. Back to twins. And twins. That's what beer used to be. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was reading about them because the guys who made it, they're like, yeah, you can't. They hated it and they wanted it to sound like a Limp Bizkit song. They're like, this is like America. Yeah. It's hilarious that someone wrote that jingle. I know. It's someone's job. Got paid a lot of money for that. And they said they hated it. They had like,

They had a meeting. I read this article about it. They said everyone hated it. And they had this meeting. They're like, this idea sucks. But then they heard all their other ideas and they were way worse. Oh. I don't like to say he took it to a focus group and everybody was like high-fiving, chest-bumping each other like, oh, I guess we suck. Just fucking people in the thing. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. But apparently they're like, trust us, the twins thing is going to work. And it fucking blew up. It was huge. It blew up. You know what? Oh, sorry. It came out. I think it came out right before 9-11, too. I think it was early. Right. Yeah. Back before it all went to shit. Yeah. And Twin Towers. Oh, Twin Towers. That's great. That's great. And Twins. What about the real men of genius? Oh, yeah.

That was another Bud Light ad, and that was killer. Was that Bud Light? Yeah, that was a really well done ad. Isn't it ironic that that's a Coors Light commercial that came out during the Bush administration? Inside job. Bush Light. It's all those commercials. Remember Budweiser was the frogs, too? Oh, that was big. Budweiser. That was like just sloppy frogs. Yeah. Then there was WhatsApp.

Oh, yeah. Was that Bud Light? What was that? Or was that Taco Bell? Waza! They even did it on Scream, the movie. Yeah, hanging around drinking a Bud. Commercials were big because everyone watched them. Yeah. Bud was. Now we skip them all. We were forced to watch them. You were forced and it brought the country together. Yeah.

Alright, what do we got here? What are you doing? Oh, do you remember this one? This is a takeoff of the Antwins one. Okay. No, this is way before Antwins, dude. Oh, it was? Oh yeah, it must be. It's 90s. Early 90s, yeah. I guess all these ads were the same back then. This blew my mind when I saw it. See, the beauty of this joke or this sketch is there's no hate. It's just they're having a blast.

Oh, Farley. So good. There's not one word in this ad. Gold. I think there's a tagline at the end. The flip up. That's Phil Hartman. So great. Gold. Beer is fucking. It's just the commercials used to be so damn funny. And now it's like, what are the commercials? Do they still have beer commercials?

I don't know. Yeah. Commercials are all serious. But it's like Corona. It's like a bunch of your friends on the beach and it's like, how'd the meeting go? It's like, killed it. That's what like a commercial, because we used to make fun of our roommate Dan Soder. We used to make fun of our roommate Pete because it's like, oh, he's a walking Corona commercial. That's how he is with his friends. It's like, how was the meeting?

Killed it. Everybody cheers. Right. It's like that's what it is now. The Heineken ad where the dude was just always on a boat. Like every dude was just partying on a boat. Oh, yeah. This is not connecting your average Heineken drinker probably. No, no. I think Heineken's mostly black. Is it? I think it's a black beer. Yeah.

Yeah, my black friends drink it. Yeah, same with mine. I got the same friend. Chris Allen's ears are buzzing. I was thinking Che. Che always drinks Heineken. Oh, does he? This is good, by the way. What are we drinking? Canadians. That's...

That's like a Brazilian limonada. It's just like a Brazilian limeade. So good. Yours is spiked with rum. That's just straight up limeade. Oh, okay. With a little bit of sweetened condensed milk. The frothiness is what makes it. Yeah, yeah. Usually you blend it up, but I didn't want to cause a ruckus. These guys are getting drunk, and this is a sports drink. Mike, I made you a Powerade on the rocks. It's coconut flavored. There's electrolytes in you.

I like Brazilian ones better because they don't have the pussy hair in it. Those are just crushed up real fine. It's lovely. You know, for the fiber. Are they ladyboy hairs, though? Not in Brazil. Okay. They don't have hairs. Should we do some news? Hell yeah. Woo!

I got some news stories queued up. All right. Whoa. Read them off, Solomon. All right. So we have the first one is Jada Pinkett Smith produces a new documentary about Cleopatra claiming that she was black. History supports that Cleopatra was from northern, it says Greek, but it probably should be, oh, northern Greek descent. But she would have been very fair skinned.

Okay. What a waste of time. We're trying to pinpoint the race of dead people from thousands of years ago. Who cares? Just make her hot. We're out of racial problems. I know, exactly. I do kind of like this, though, because it's funny when it's like, hey, we made this guy white. Everybody's mad. And now it's like, all right, let's make this lady black. And everybody's still mad. So just make the fucking movie. Maybe they'll make a We Might Be Drunk. They'll do a doc on us in 400 years, and we're black.

Oh, yeah. 400 years. They're like, we have footage of them why? And they're like, yeah. Right. What are you thinking? Um...

I don't know. Let me check my, uh, let me check my, I thought Cleopatra was trans. Hold for applause. Either way. It all sounds like a pyramid scheme. All right. Put that in the hand job. If you disagree with, uh, Jada's vision for Cleopatra, Will Smith shows up and smacks you. Hey, I like it. Uh,

Cleopatra was married to Mark Anthony, who was the fresh prince of Egypt. I think making up stuff in movies is good sometimes, you know, because in every Jada Pinkett movie, she has hair. Oh, good point. Good point. I think if you check, Cleopatra did have alopecia. Was that her daughter? Yeah. We're rolling.

Alright, so we got another story here. Oh, what do you got? A man in China was sentenced to six months in jail. Is that scarring or scaring? For scaring 1,100 of his neighbor's chickens to death. The man, identified only by his surname Gu, that's G-U. Is that his pronoun? Snuck onto his neighbor Zong's property and used a flashlight to frighten the chickens to death.

in the first incident. That's only the first incident. Oh, now, this sounds like a pretty good way to kill chickens. Yeah. You know? Because instead of chopping their heads off or murdering all of them, you just go in the flashlight and they all die. Yeah. Yeah, they trample each other. By the way, this doesn't make me feel bad about eating chickens. Like, you're a fucking dumb animal if that's how you kill yourself. Yeah. You deserve to be on a fucking bun. Can I say that I object to this man having to be cooped up for six months in jail? Yeah.

I think the judge was probably a vegan. Hey! That joke was egg-cellent. It was a jury of three roosters, four turkeys, and five Cornish hens. Twelve angry hen. Hey!

Yes! That's a feather in your cap. In China, they read the verdict like a fortune cookie. They open it and then read it. Under Chinese law, you have the right to lo mein silent. Yeah! Got it! Check out the special. You know you're not very high in the evolutionary... As animals, if you trample each other... Humans, we don't do that. We don't trample each other to death. Unless it's a...

Yeah. All right. Well, when I order like a chicken parm, I always ask. Can we get him back to some ladyboy island? Ah, the timing. Impeccable. When I order a chicken parm or something, I'm like, how are these chickens killed? Were they afraid? Were they scared to death? Did they trample each other? That's the dish I want. Nice. I would pluck that one out. All right.

Since we're still doing puns, I heard he bird flew the coop. Timing. You just had to wet your beak, didn't you? All right. Do you want me to go on the next one? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. A woman...

who was addicted to pulling out and eating her own... You had me at pulling out. A woman who was addicted to pulling out and eating her own hair had a giant hairball measured 15 centimeters removed from her stomach, according to a medical journal.

Wow. It's called a hair job. This actually happened to me, too. I didn't pull my hair. I just ate at a diner. Not Brazilian. But instead, what she says, it goes, there's some food in my hair. There's a hair in my food. Right. All right.

That is like, what is that thing people have where they pull your hair out? That's like a thing. Remember that movie Young Adult? Yes, yes. I had an ex who did that and she had a bald spot. What's that called? That's some kind of a disease. It was some anxiety thing. Mark used to date Ed Begley Jr. When someone has a lot of hair, I guess she thinks it's an all you can eat. All right, anyone want to try that first word? Trico...

Trichotillomania. Trichotillomania. There you go. What about it? That's where you pull out your own hair. Oh, known as trich. And it's something different when you eat it, right? Pulling out your own hair and eating it. And when you pull out someone else's hair, that's a world star video. Ha ha ha ha ha.

It's also funny that so many people do this. This is pretty common. Yeah. In show business. Yeah. But people eat like couch cushion or they're like styrofoam peanuts. Oh, yeah. There's all these documentaries about that. No, that's just even if you eat at Subway. Ah.

But then it's weird when a girl won't blow you. You're like, come on. You need couch cushion? You can't blow me? What if I put my dick in the couch? Does that help? This is like my strange addiction. If I put my dick in the couch, I cum.

Okay, from chicken to beef, we have beef star David Cho. We're pushing for the pushing. All right, sorry. David Cho was slammed after a podcast detailing rapey behavior resurfaced. Social media users are questioning Cho's casting in a Netflix show, pointing out a 2014 podcast where he said he was a successful rapist.

Well, at least he's successful. Better than a broke rapist. I hope Netflix makes a show called Rapy Behavior so we can bring back Kevin Spacey. I miss that guy. Right. He's good. I think season two of Beef is going to be called Beef and Broccoli. Nice.

I heard they were suspicious of his rapey behavior when the casting director said that she didn't want him on the show and he wouldn't take no for an answer. The podcast was called Erection Quest, by the way. He was on a porn show. Is the rape like Netflix where she's like, are you still raping me? Oh my God.

Here's a rape we suggest next. By the way, this is a podcast we played in 14 years when we try to have Netflix shows. They could have a rapey, successful rapist section. It's just Harvey movies. It's Miramax. It's called Miramax. So I guess what

What does he do? Go to podcast prison? He goes to some kind of a virtual. He has to do Zoom. He has to get at least 1,000 five-star reviews. Right, right. It's called Luminary. So do you guys know who this guy is? Well, his name is, can I get the joke? His name is David Chose, which implies consent. Ah!

His body has chose. Sorry, what were you saying? Do you know who he is? Oh, wait, we have more. Oh, no, I was just going to say that copyright infringement is also a crime. That's what he was complaining about.

That they posted the clip. Really? And it was copyright infringement. Oh. Wow. His admission of rape versus copyright infringement. Right. Yeah. He didn't consent to them using the clip. So this guy Cho, he's an artist. And in 2008 or 2010 when Facebook started, they commissioned him to paint a mural on their new offices. And.

And it was like a $15,000 gig. And I can't remember the guy's name who – the Napster guy? He was part of Facebook. And he said to Cho, he's like, take stock and set instead. And he said, no, no, no. I need the $15,000. He was like, trust me. Take the stock and set instead. And then when it went public, whatever year, he made $250 million that day on that $1,500 painting. So why is he still acting?

I don't think he's an actor. I think they just cast him in this. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. So he did take the stock. He took the stock and made $250 million. Wow. Well, his whole argument on the podcast was that he was doing – he was an artist and he was kind of like doing – I guess it was – correct me if I'm wrong. He was doing a character. He wasn't speaking authentically. No.

or he was making up a story for entertainment reasons. Because that's when people called him on it. They're like, oh, you're admitting to a rape. He goes, no, no, no, I'm an artist, and I'm telling a story from an artist's perspective. I don't know. Whoa. Yeah. Yikes.

That'd be a great... This guy's either a rapist or the best actor. Ted Bundy was like, it was a joke. I was doing a character. By the way, Brando had sex with a woman on film in... Yeah, the Tango in Paris. Last Tango in Paris. And it wasn't written into the script. What? He just had sex with her right there. Yeah, he raped a woman. Yeah, that's rape. And he could say, I was acting or something.

I don't know what the fuck is. Whoa. But he really had sex with her right there. It's like when people smoke on stage, and they're like, ah, it's part of the act. Right. So they allow it. Yeah. Weird. It's not exactly the same. No. I like that we all played along with that for a second. We're like, yeah. A cigarette's kind of like a sexual assault. Oh, my God. The Surgeon General says no to both, by the way. Yeah.

By the way, does he need to be, he's not a surgeon or a general. No. That's a weird term. Surgeon general. I love he tells you not to smoke, but he won't tell you why x-rays are eight grand. It's eight grand for x-rays. Smoking is terrible. All right, kids, have a good one. I don't like that. It's up there with landlord. It's two grand. Surgeon general. You're neither. It's like lawyer astronaut. We got another news story here.

Wearable beanbags are here. A Japanese company comes up with an innovative solution.

Was this a problem before? Were people complaining about beanbags? Well, this is why Japan's better than us, because we just make our own. We're just obese. We just sit on our own fat ass. They have to actually strap a bag to them. It looks like Chris Christie there. Yeah, it does look like they're wearing a fat suit. A very Gwyneth and Shallow Hal. Yeah, it's a very nutty professor. Hercules! Hercules!

Does this come with a vagina candle? You know she lit one after she won that courtroom thing. I love that. She's skiing into people. More celebrities, she just skis into people. We'll never know what happened. It was her versus an optometrist, right? Yeah. Yeah, he was some kind of a doctor, and that's great that she's skiing. An eye doctor. He didn't see that coming. Oh, man.

People are beanbag chairs. Japan is, they're unbelievable. They really are. It's like, you know, people are complaining for, they have nowhere to sit and these guys come up with the solutions. Beanbag chair. People become beanbag chairs. This is the only way you see a fat Japanese person. Exactly. Yes. Really? Yeah.

But it's like you sit on them and they tell you their own opinions. You have to listen to them for like two hours. By the way, it shows how much food we have here that we made chairs out of food. It's full of beans. You can eat that. It's a protein-heavy seat. All right, we've got another story here. The U.S. government is storing 1.4 billion pounds of cheese in a cave in Missouri.

Yeah. Apparently the government has been storing away cheese for decades, even since the 70s when former President Jimmy Carter offered dairy farmers a break by having the government buy and store cheese from farmers. That's what I call Brie Larson's pussy. Cheese cave. Brie? All right. That was a stretch. I heard they were only doing that until recently. They just started doing it. Before that, they were storing it in a Kirstie Alley, I think. Woo!

Woo! It's okay, she's dead. She'll never hear it. It was a cheese that killed her. The storm's detected. The magma mountain. I heard it costs a lot of cheddar to kill. There we go. Cheese cave, that's what I call Swiss bank. Swiss, all right. Well, isn't cheese mold and doesn't mold grow in caves? So isn't it just, why are we...

True. The first guy to eat cheese was pretty bold. Hey, this milk's gone bad. I don't know. I don't know if it has. I prefer hiding the cheese to cutting it.

Save that for the corporate gig. Squeaky clean. You doing some birthday parties? They give you one. You do like a corporate gig and they give you like one guy. They're like, this guy likes this guy farts a lot. That's a great thing. You just you just pick on a guy for like 40 minutes. You're like, but seriously, your gas is a problem. You're a fucking you're a slob. Yeah, you're a fucking slob.

This next one, they won't let that go. What is it? I keep hearing gays are causing natural disasters. I've heard that my whole life from religious people. Yeah, a guy who says God sends natural disasters to punish gays has his home destroyed in a natural disaster. What a horrible way to find out you're gay. Yeah.

I think it depends on the disaster. I think you're gay if it's a sinkhole. Or a mudslide. Yeah, I don't know. I think women are more prone to natural disasters because they take your house. After a few hurricanes, I'm gay.

Well, doesn't a hurricane or a tornado just blow you into another guy? Good point. Or a cow. It's definitely like it's a weird. These guys don't believe in climate change, but they see two clouds forming. They're like, I guess two women just got a back alley abortion somewhere. Right.

What about gays? I mean, you can't blame them for natural disasters because they got the rainbow. Yeah. So that rainbow is when everything, you know, the clouds clear. Yeah. And if a hurricane destroys a gay neighborhood, they redecorate quickly. That's true. Story blows. Hey, there you go. This is hot. This one's hot. All right. Hold on. I didn't preview this one.

Oh, my God. And twins. Should I just go on to the next one? No, no. This is the best story. This is great. This is crazy. All right. Conjoined twins Lupita and Carmen Andrade have shared the details of their lives, including the fact that one of them has a boyfriend, even though they both share a vagina. Woo!

First of all, why are they dressed like they're in the Middle Ages? Wow. Yeah, you're right. It's very Renaissance-fair going on here. That is crazy. I mean, this is like an ad for noise-canceling headphones right here.

You get those Bose headphones, you strap them on the sister, you're like, how good do these work? Yeah, right. But he's dating one and then not the other one. Yeah. Does the other one feel it? Oh, yeah. One is heterosexual and one is asexual. Is that right?

Yeah. It's like having a permanent chaperone on every day. They share a vagina, so I guess they have to schedule the days differently. It's like I get it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I get it Wednesday and Saturday. Right, right. And what does the one who was asexual use the vagina for? Storage. Jeez. Get that out of there. I need it. Jeez. Jeez. Storage. One of them's a drug mule. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, look, I grew up with sisters. They can't share anything. So I don't know how that's going to work with the masturbating. The masturbating. I guess this is like one of those cases where, like, speaking of rapists, this is where you roofie the other sister. Oh, yeah. Not your dame. You roofie the other one. If you don't want to fuck your wife's sister, you're in luck. Yeah. We don't know how long she's out. Is this a genre of porn?

I don't know. Incest threesomes, I guess. Skin specific. What kind of twins are they? They are conjoined twins. A conjoined twin threesome. Do you want me to look that up? That'll blow Pornhub probably away. Conjoined twin threesome. It looks like they're trying to sneak into a movie theater. There's two of them, but they have to dress up. That's dunk. I just want you to notice that Pornhub didn't populate on my thing here. All right.

Haven't been here before. Ah, this looks all too familiar. This is me on the road with my cell phone going, all right, which will do the job quickest. It would be so great if it just finished typing whatever Matt typed in. He put conjoy and it finished it. It would be great if Pornhub sent you a message that said, cut it out. Cut it out. Get back to work. Pornhub's like, we're disgusted with what you've been looking up. We've never written an email like this before. Oh, they got it. Conjoined twins. I think it's AI. AI.

Oh, come on. AI, anal insertion? Jesus Christ. It's just a mirror. That's a mirror. All right, well, these gals could clean up. I'm sure this is a new, it's going to be a fetish. I wish they would clean up. Wait a minute, one pill per day for bigger size? Hold on, click on that. Click on it. That's good stuff. All right, this is too distracting. It's crazy that they share a vagina. Him. They share a pussy. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. A German court said that a landlord sunbathing naked in the courtyard of his building wasn't a reason for his tenants to reduce their rental payments. The case involved a building in an upper market residential district in Frankfurt.

which included an office floor rented by a human resources company, HR. The company withheld rent because it objected, among other things, to landlords' naked sunbathing. In response, the landlord sued.

Interesting. The Nazis are at it again. Naked sunbathing. Wow. They figure out a way. Yeah. What's human resources like in Germany? You kindly board the train. Damn. So the landlord's the one doing it. Yes. Interesting. And there's a human resources company in the building. Oh, that's a nightmare already. That is...

I mean, I don't know if you should lower the rent, but you should fucking...

You should definitely arrest the guy probably, right? But it's his building. It's his courtyard, right? Yeah. I guess. Jeez. But it's like I need something fixed up here and it's like I don't have time right now. I'm nude sunbathing. Yeah. You see me. Just see the nude sunbathing. Also, that's not great for the HR company because some lady comes in like some guy looked at my tits. He's like, hey, bitch. Look outside. We got bigger fish to fry. There's a ball sack in the courtyard. You're worried about getting called, you know.

It's always terrible looking people who are these nudists. Yeah. Yeah. And they're just so like, we got the right to do it. And people just, I mean, check out. If you were just a little bit hotter. Yeah. You know? The wrong people have body positivity, right? The wrong people are like, we need to be positive about our body. I'm like, you got to fucking go to the gym. Yeah. We need like- Hit the naked gym. Yes. I was in a yoga class last week and-

There's a dude in there fucking, it's like a fat dude with a ponytail in his underwear. Yeah. And he's got a pierced nipple. And I'm like, dude, pick like one of those things. You don't get to do all those things. Yeah. Good point. Underwear? Underwear. That shit, he's got to put shorts on. No one says shit though.

Wow, because it's too freewheeling, man. We're all free. But it's weird because yoga is freewheeling, but it's very, like, at least the Bikram yoga, and I know he's a rapist, but the Bikram yoga is very, very tough. He's a successful rapist. He left the country, actually. That documentary came out, and he left the country. And now it's like, I guess he's out of our jurisdiction or something. Wow. I don't know.

He said namaste and he went on his way. Namaste. Namago. Okay, so Iranian-born crypto entrepreneur Sina Estavi purchased the NFT of Jack Dorsey's first tweet. Estavi? Estavi baby. Estavi baby, yeah. Estavi baby. Jack Dorsey's first tweet for $2.9 million in March 2021.

He announced on Twitter that he wished to sell the NFT and pledged to give 50% of the proceeds to charity. The auction closed. Selling price?

$279. Wow. So that's a $2.9 million bath. That's a hilarious auction. When you're expecting it to go to $2.9 million at least and it gets $297. I know. You're just left there going, I don't know. Elon Musk is like, finally someone else lost money on Twitter. Not just me. That'd be great if he bought the NFT. It's $297, but you get a blue checkmark. Right.

How come some people get the blue check?

And they don't pay. I mean, it's all whacked up now. It's all wacky. Yeah. Because some people bought it and then they sent it back. But now I feel like it's uncool to have the blue check. Yeah. Well, because people could buy it. Yeah. Right. You had a great tweet about that. The class ring. Oh, yeah. That was great. I said basically whoever pays for it is basically the dude that bought a class ring. That's great. Yeah. That's great. I bought the class ring and I regret it. I was like, Dad, can I buy it? I need $100. And he was like, you're not going to wear it. And then I bought it and never wore it.

Totally regret it. Yeah, I remember mentioning to my dad, he was like, don't buy that fucking stupid thing. I wear it now because I'm not married. So it's like I want people to know I'm dedicated to the classes. Doing donuts in the parking lot, dog. Stayed cool forever, just like I wrote in everybody's yearbook. You're like Sandler who pulls up and Billy Matt with the Camaro and the T-Tops.

Class rings are fucking weird. Oh, yeah. And Letterman jackets, too. I mean, I graduated high school in Florida, and it's like, get a Letterman jacket. It's too hot. It's too hot to wear it. Right. And so I got it anyway. Wait, why'd you go to high school in Florida? Sophomore, junior, and senior year. Whoa. I was in Ohio and then went to Florida. Sophomore, junior, senior year, graduated in Florida. I'd say that's an upgrade.

Yeah, yeah. It's great. Florida was great, man. I had a great high school experience. Really? Yeah, really great. When all these guys talk about, I don't know how you guys view your high school experience. Most people are like, it was a nightmare. It sucked. I hated it. I loved it. I loved every minute of it. Good people around, good friends, sports was just wonderful.

Hell yeah. What city? But then it's like if you have a great high school, you get it either way. If your high school experience sucks, then you suffer then. And then you get into the real world, you're like, oh my God, I feel like myself. Yeah. But then if you have a great high school experience, then you get thumped by the real world. Right. So it's like you're getting it one way or another. Yeah. Well, wait, what city?

Boca Raton. Oh, man. So you're on the beach. I was on the beach. It was beach on the weekends. It was really great. What a juice. A lot of juice. Good people. I said it like it's a good thing. You said it was like a little bad thing. No, I've done gigs there. I love Boca Raton. Florida is an underrated comedy place. Oh, yeah. The awful cities are awful, but the great cities are like Orlando is fucking a good crowd. Orlando, Tampa. Tampa. It's great. The West Coast, too. Naples. Naples.

Yeah. I hate Naples. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, because it was like... I'm not going to... It was like an older... I thought that was a joke you were making. No, no. It was an older crowd. Have you not seen my merch? Pull up my merch. Pull up the merch. Pull up the merch. I thought it was great. Oh.

You fucking like Naples? I loved it. Man, what else did you like? Germany? Love Naples. Damn, someone profited off a blue version of that shirt. That ain't me. Uh-oh. And a sweatshirt. Damn. It's funny. I only really sell them hard in Florida because everyone in Florida, if I'm in Florida, everyone buys those. But other where they're like, eh. But in Florida, everyone's like, yeah, fuck Naples. I got to send this to my dad. I'm like, geez, all right.

Don't like it. Ah, you love Naples.

I did love it. What's that town above Miami? Fort Lauderdale. Great town. Great club. What is that, the Dania? Dania. That's a great club. Great club. Dania Improv. Miami's a little bit of a slugfest because they're all hot and coked up. They're too vapid and hot. Everybody's hot. Everybody can rollerblade off on a show that they don't like. Yes, yes. I did the Fontainebleau when I was there. It's like one of those like Sinatra played here. I'm like, I don't think they've updated it since then.

It's the danger fields of Dade County. Sinatra punched a woman right in that corner right there. Sinatra's romanticized. I love him and everything, but he was just wildly unstable. He was a man of depressive who hit women and had mob ties. He was a maniac. I think he tried to get Ava Gardner back by just shooting a bunch of holes in a mattress. He was like, I'm crazy without you. And she came back.

Wow. Oh, yeah. I should try that. That worked. That worked in the 50s. Yeah. What was the girl? He's passionate. I'm like, he's got a gun and he's unstable. Yeah. What was the guy? The Rosemary's Baby.

The lady. Oh, Mia Farrow. Mia Farrow. He was 60 and she was 21 when they were married. Yeah. And he was like, get her out of that picture. And they were like, no, we're keeping her. And she went down to the set and raised hell. Then he flew out of there and divorced her. Apparently that scene in The Godfather where he's like, I've had every girl in the world. And he ruins a girl, the guy Waltz. Yeah. The Sinatra character, that's supposed to be about Mia Farrow. Oh. I gave her singing lessons, dancing lessons. And then your guinea charm, you pulled her away. Oh.

Oh, look at that. Yeah. He's like, you shouldn't be making Hollywood movies. You should be fixing my toupee at home like a lady. Yeah. Fun fact, his dad owned a bar named Sinatra's and he had to change the name to O'Connor's because you couldn't have an Italian couldn't own a bar. That's great. I think that should apply today. I think Irish shouldn't be allowed to have restaurants. Yeah, they need not apply. Yeah. Okay, we got another story here.

Japanese police have arrested two men who posted a video on social media showing one eating pickled ginger with his chopsticks directly from the communal container. Is that a garbage can? I kind of didn't understand the story. I think he took chopsticks and he ate it out of the communal ginger bowl. Oh, okay. So it's just for everyone and you're just eating like this, getting your germs in there. I like their impolite as our normal way of doing things.

It's just accepted in our society. They're like, whoa, this is forbidden. This is a law. Right. It's part of a series of pranks that have hit sushi chains and become known as sushi terrorism. Man, terrorism there is so much lighter. We have people flying into buildings and blowing up stadiums. We shoot up schools. They're like, you ate the communal food. Yeah.

You're a monster. He's the ginger terrorist. Our thing would be sucker punching a ginger person. Yes, yes. Our ginger terrorist were the Murdochs. There we go. Can I get another one of these, Beer Jew? This is A-OK, buddy. Very nice. Very good.

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Woo, that's good stuff. I'll tell you. Boy, great job. That must have been 56 jokes we rattled up there. Jokes. We were like, we have Becky O now. We should do news stories. He's a joke smith. You got one of my favorite jokes ever, the one about the sign up to be a detective online. Oh, that's a great joke. How does a detective? Yeah.

Oh, the joke is I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. Then I never heard from them again. So I thought this is either a – how does it go? Either I just got ripped off or this is my first case. I just got ripped off or this is my first case, yeah. That's a great fucking joke. I believe that's in your first Fallon. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great set. Check that out, folks. You still do late-night sets. You're like one of the few comics where your material works well for a late-night set. Yeah.

It's like, you know, it's like an old school type of comedy. Mark and I love that too. Yeah. Oh yeah. Getting together because we're all good in like...

We're good in five minutes. Yes, yes. Which is rare now. Once you get to know me, I suck. But for five minutes. For five minutes. Because we're all of the, I think we're all of the mindset. It's like, hit them hard. Yeah. And then get the confidence with the first joke. Yes. And then just like every seven seconds. And then even after the seven seconds, you still look at the joke and go, well, is there a punchline on the way in? Yes. Exactly. So I think we all look at it like that. I jackhammered them like four times really hard. And then I'm like, I'm done. I'm done.

You get the light. Yeah, no, I agree because I think with club comedy, you have to win them over. That's like half the battle, getting them to trust the, oh, this guy, we should listen to him. Right, yeah. But how are you finding guys, because you guys have followings now, big followings, so how has it changed on the road where it's like you had to earn it like that and now people know you and they're...

Is that better? Is it better? It's nice, but it's also bittersweet because you're like, is this good? Or are you guys just like me? You guys just into me and like my act and know me and get my cadence? Or is this actually funny? So then you got to try it again in front of strangers. Right. Yeah, you get that momentum laugh. That's totally true, Mark. They get that pop sometimes because they know your rhythm and they know you. And that's why you got to try it, I think, at the cellar where they don't know you. Oh, yeah. You know? So, yeah, it's...

But you were saying like we were talking off air where it's like you can come at them with something edgy and if it's your crowd, they already know you. So it's like you don't need that much of a setup to buffer it. But if they don't know you, you come off looking like a psycho unless you pad it

on both sides of the joke. It's hard to open with a Holocaust joke. Right. For not your crowd. Right. Yes. Which gets annoying because you're like, no, no, this is good. I know it's jarring for you guys because you don't know me, but this is good. So it does get annoying, but I get it. They don't know you. So they're like, whoa, is this a Nazi? You know? Well, you got to earn it, right? I mean, even for your crowd, it's funny where like, even for, I think,

if I'm on the road, even for the crowd that comes to see me, I do have to, to some degree, earn it because not all, like most of them are fans but sometimes they like, they bring a friend who doesn't know who you are. Sure, sure. But,

But placement still matters. Like, you don't want to come out too hard. It's like going out on a date and immediately you're like, sex? Right. You have to be like, so what do you like? So you kind of, you know. But if you've been dating a couple years, then sex. That's what it is. That's what it is, yeah. But if you're, I still find that you have to like,

I have an abortion joke. I'm like, let me put that at minute 18. Let me build up maybe some dating stuff up top, maybe some lighter stuff. Just ease into it. Work into it chronologically. Dinner and the dating stuff and then the abortion. That's hilarious. Then I close on getting arrested in Oklahoma. It's my closer. Can you pull up one of Mike's jokes here? Play it.

I love I'm a big fan I also think your album is one of the best I think that you if you haven't heard Mike's album The Worst Kind of Thoughtful there's a 10 minute bus chunk it's just all about the bus and it's

One of the best bits. Every line is incredible. They said this without you here. Oh, yes. That's been said without you here. And Muscle Confusion. I believe won Album of the Year with a couple things, and that is so good. It's tight as a drum. Thank you. As a cheese cave. As a cheese cave. Tight as a German landlord's sphincter. Yeah. I'm a huge boxing fan. I love all kinds of boxing.

And I was watching this one fight. It was a female fighter and her brother was the promoter and they were interviewing her and they're like, how did you start fighting? And it's a tragic story. She goes, when I was young, I watched my father hit my mother. I was too weak to do anything about it. So I learned to fight and it never happened again. I'm like, wow, that's pretty powerful. Then I thought that the brother was

The promoter grew up in the same home. So he must have saw the same thing and thought to himself,

I can sell tickets to this. Now that's so great because what's impressive about that bit, obviously it's a funny joke, but there's a lot of information to get to the audience there, you know? And that is the way you made it so simple and accessible. That's a skill on its own. But usually I don't have the patience to get into the bit. I need a joke into the bit. There was no joke into that. So it's like,

I realize in some bits, like, yeah, cause I'll see some guys just have the patience and then wait for the payoff. And that's also valuable. So it's just like, there was usually I like that joke on the way in. I agree. There was, I couldn't get one off in there. You know, it needs to be informational. You've got the punch line is strong enough. Yes. Yeah. Eight seconds of, of setup. Yeah. But that's not a, that's not a lot. Right. You know, and the fact that it was so much information so concisely and so simply, that's a skill on its own. Right.

So I don't even think you needed the joke. I like a joke in the setup too, but it wasn't necessary. I think it's actually, I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I feel like it was a stage fright thing.

that's developing. It's like punch it up every seven seconds. Cause you don't want to, I don't want to sit in silence. Yeah. Neither do I. Yeah. But I feel that in your comedy, like you're very much like you feel guilty wasting even like a word. Right. It's a great thing, but there's also a time where you're like, shit, man, you could take a deep breath. Like you earned it. Yeah. You can take a deep breath and, and look, we talk about placement for an hour and yeah, you, if I do a story, I usually do a like one, at least one or two long stories per hour and I'll,

I put them at the end. Right. It's kind of like, all right, this is where it goes. Yeah. Well, I feel like I can prove. And you're like, I remember a tell once in a late night set says this first joke and it kills. And he goes, I've proven I'm funny. And it's like, that's kind of what it is. You're like, okay, I've proven I can do well here. Give me a minute to let, to let this longer one build up to a bit. Right. Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. He earned it. Well, I realized on the road when I first started headlining that it's like,

I just had such a New York mentality where it's like you just go up and just machine gun them with jokes. And it's like I realized like, oh, they're there to see you. Yeah. Like even if they don't know you, they're there to see you. So it's like kind of relax into the rapport with them. And you're armed with all of the jokes already. Right.

They're not going anywhere. You could use them at any time you want. But instead of just going up there like a city set and just being like boom, boom, boom, boom, just like relax into them. Get the rapport going. You don't have to rush into it. And then drop the jokes in wherever you see fit because you have them. But don't – I mean I'm speaking personally. I have that fear they'll get bored.

Because stand-up is kind of boring. It's a guy on stage talking or a girl on stage talking. It's not a ton of some guys will hump on a stool or doing backflips. But for us, it's just this. So I think you got to hammer them. But maybe I'm wrong.

No, that's – I just think like the mentality of the road is like also it's 15 minutes in a city. So it's like you got to get up there and just like you have to prove it and then you have to like hit them with – like when you have an hour, it's like, all right, it's an hour. So it's just like let's take our time. Right. You know what I mean? And that was so much easier. Like I always feel bad like whoever's opening doing like 20. Everyone's like that's the kill spot. I'm like –

Yeah, I guess, but it's like 20 minutes is harder. It's harder to do 20 minutes in an hour. Right. I don't know. If it's your crowd. Oh, I see. If it's a good crowd. Right, right, right, right. Absolutely. Yeah, I want to fucking do. Does the feature usually come off and tell you that they're a headliner? They just weren't.

But also you got to think Columbus, Ohio or Denver, Colorado, they're not as fast paced as New York anyway. Right. So if you're kind of slowing down, they don't even notice it. Right, right. Well, that's the New York mentality everywhere. You go into a fucking diner. Yeah. Go, sit down. Yes, exactly. You go to a diner in the South, they're like, we'll get to it. You ever go to a salad place here? I mean, you got to know, you go down the line like olives, mushrooms. If you stumble, they're like, come on, you faggot. You're like, wait, what? What are we doing here?

Yeah. This is legitimately good. It's so good. Not bad, right? Oh, yeah. But yeah, everything is faster. But they make it up for you in the South and other places with kindness. You know what I mean? So everything takes longer, but in the middle of it taking longer, they're actually nice to you. They go, how's your day? Right. And they really want their, how is your day? It's like,

All right. You know, it's good. It's like the weather we're getting here and they're like they sink into a conversation. Totally. Whereas in here, it's just like they nobody people look through you. Yes. Yeah. That's the biggest thing. Hardest thing that people have adjusted to New York. It's like sitting on the subway. She's like looking through people. Yeah. Yeah. Just because there's so much stimulus coming in and you have to like, yes, wall some of it off.

You grew up here, so it's like... Yeah. But you know when you're on the road and they're like, can you do our podcast at the club at four? Then you got a show at seven, a show at 930. Then you got to sell merch after the first show. You got to meet the host. You got to meet the feature. It's a lot of stimulus. And then you're like, I should be saving some of this for the show. What am I doing here? Well, that's what I always remember with these clubs where they have you do morning radio and

And, like, you do the show Thursday night, and then they're like, all right, morning radio is at – pick up is at 6 a.m. Yes! I flew in yesterday, and I'm going to bed at 3. Yes! Because I'm just wired from the Thursday night show. And maybe a few pops. Yeah. And then you're just, like, you're on radio, like, ugh. I remember I was on muscle relaxers on one of them, and I had to have, like, a manager pull it down because I was just, like, making no sense. Oh, wow. We got to get that on the Patreon. Yeah.

But I'm like, this is what they made me be here. And I'm just on there. They're like, I'm like, and they're just like, okay. I'm like two shows tonight. And they're like, no one's coming. Based on this sales pitch where he's slurring. This guy's the next Hedberg. Like worried about you. It's actually called the next, the next Hedberg. Not for your comedy. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Uh, yeah. You know, uh,

Those morning radios. And then, of course, you do two shows that night and you're just exhausted. Yeah. I mean, it's like, I'm not complaining. It's a great fucking gig. But it's one of the things where you're like, yeah, you need to conserve energy. Oh, yeah. I always check the morning radio with 6 a.m. as I judge whether to have coffee or not.

And the way I judge it is like, okay, it's 6 a.m. It's like, how long am I on for? Yeah. And if they go, you're on for the whole morning. You're on for an hour. Because I want to be on as long as possible. Because if I'm going to get up that early, let's try to sell some tickets. Right. You know what I mean? So keep me on as long as possible. I'll hang through the break. I'll do traffic. Whatever you guys want. Yeah. But if I'm getting up, if I have to get up for five minutes, I'm not drinking coffee.

Because I want to go back to sleep. Good point. Now, can you guys sleep? I can't nap. No, I don't nap. Really? Yeah, I can sleep if I don't drink the coffee and I'm doing five minutes. And they're like, oh, we got Mike Fagione here. He's got a bad t-shirt. I was like, all right, man, thanks for stopping by. Then I leave and I'll go back to sleep. I'm only an asshole when I get two hours of sleep. And there's that clip of me where I'm just fucking with the morning people. And it's because I got two hours of sleep. We flew from L.A. to Sacramento.

Like a couple weeks ago. And it was just a long day. It was like, you know, you do the shows in L.A., then you wake up the next morning and you got to take the early flight to Sacramento because you can't chance it, right? So we land, we get at the gig. We don't get a hotel because we're like, let's just chill at the venue all day. And it's like a beautiful theater, the Crest Theater, but it's not a good theater for like hanging downstairs. It's like, and I used to live in an apartment like this where like all the doors don't go up to the ceiling. Oh.

And that's what all the green rooms were. So I literally, I hear my video guy, James, just belching. I hear Vitor FaceTiming with his kids. Every door slamming. All the people were slamming the door. And I'm trying to sleep, and I can't sleep. And at one point, I just get up, and I go, shut the fuck up, motherfuckers. And everyone's like, what the fuck? And I'm just like, sorry. And I just go back into bed. But everyone shut up. I was able to sleep. Only time I've taken a nap in years. Wow.

I don't nap. On two hours sleep you don't nap? I can't do it, dude. I did it because I was so fucking tired and I was sick. So I was like, but no, if I'm on a flight, I'll like doze off sometimes. But I don't, no, I don't. But it takes so long to nap. Like a 10 minute nap or 20 minute nap takes me like three hours because I have to like shut down. I have to turn the lights down. I have to lay there. Look at your phone a little bit. Jerk up. You know, you get it.

But the conserving energy is big. People don't understand that early morning flight because you don't want to chance it, what you said. And that's really the truth. It's like I could leave at 2 and get there at 4 and then the show is 7. But the thing, if the flight gets delayed at all –

I could miss the show. You know what I mean? I'm screwed. So it's like, it's either that 2 o'clock or a 6 a.m. It's like, I gotta take the 6 a.m. to be safe. I gotta get up at 4. Take the 2. I did it for the Knicks game. I came back in a 6 a.m. flight to go to the Knicks game on Sunday and I was like running on fumes. I was like, fuck it, I'm getting drunk. Yeah. That's great, but see, the other end of that is the Knicks game. Yeah. So you got that to look forward to. I was so pumped. Yeah. We lost, but I was so pumped. Ah,

But the drink, it helps. It does wake you up. It's temporary, but it helps. Yeah.

when you're on fumes. I was with Stav and we saw A-Rod going into the building and Adam Glynn, you know, he works for TNT now, he's like, you guys should annoy A-Rod. I was like, that's a great idea. So Stav and I just run up to A-Rod and we're like, yo, A-Rod, can we take a picture with you? And he's like, sure. And his handlers are like, fuck, they're trying to push us away. We got one pick off. Nice. It's just a great pic of Stav lurking behind A-Rod. Yeah. Trying to sniff J-Lo. Yeah.

But also, the thing about the five-minute radio, this is what kills me, and this is where I sound like Mark Cuntman Norman, but it's not just five minutes of radio. It's getting picked up by the club manager who wants to chit-chat at 6.20 in the morning, and he's like, so, how's New York? Huh?

Oh, it's good. Oh, yeah. All right. And then you get to the radio and then you got to chit chat with the makeup lady. You got to chit chat with the dog lady in the in the green room with you. Who's like makeup for radio? Well, I'm sorry. I'm morning TV TV. And then there's the dog lady. Then there's the chef guy who's going to make the skewers today and all that. And it's like it's just so much extra shit. It's not it's like the guest spot.

Can I do five minutes on your show? All right, yeah, it's just five minutes. But then you've got to sit in the green room with him. You've got to hang out with the guy. He feels weird, so he's doubling down on the convo because he doesn't want any silence. And then the sound check guy comes in and he goes, is he doing a guest set on the second show? And now it's awkward, so you've got to be like, okay.

The whole thing's brutal. The morning TV thing is the best when you're in the green room with whatever lady. She's like, I'm coming on after you to show a cooking recipe. And you're like, oh, that's nice. Yes. And then you come in afterwards and you just see the look of horror on her face. She doesn't look at you the same. She's like, you're not a good person. But you guys are the best because you make the most of that. You realize what the opportunity is. Oh, you got to do it. And you make the most of the morning TV.

radio and if they don't have you back like you guys they're never pleased with us no never but that's why it's good that's why it's good don't have me on if you don't want me to be me yeah you know well who am i barbara walters no i'm going in no you're alive yeah but do you ever do that thing where it's like you go to another town and you're like i wonder what it

in an alternate universe, what my life would be like if I just had a regular job and I lived here and how that would be. Suicide. Now, here's a question. What would you do if you had to have a gig outside of comedy? Ideally, I'm not saying you're qualified for every gig, but if you could pick a gig. Something sports related. Sports announcer, writer. Yeah, writer, announcer, like maybe even like a sports...

I don't know, something sports. Okay. How about you? I would go UPS guy. No office, you're outside, you got a car with no door, you got shorts on, you might fuck a couple of housewives with the packages. That would be mine. Most of these packages are left outside these days, I feel like. True. But,

Might as well fuck a doorman. There we go. And I get on some ring doorbells. Maybe I'll go viral. I'll do like a dance or something. It's an idea actually to go to Martin Scorsese's house and hopefully as a ring just audition into it. That's great. Marty! Yeah. That's good. Just keep going. Give me the money, you cocksucker! It's like that's got to fit somewhere into a Scorsese movie. Marty just, he opens the door, he's like, you got the gig. You got the gig, yeah.

He just hugs you. So that's an idea. These ring lights, it's a good way to audition. That's not bad. I would actually be a TikTok dancer. No. Yeah, I'd be a big dancer. All right. No, I can't dance. My thing is, you know, I would own a small... If I had like a town in the middle of the country or something, I would...

Own a small business. You'd have to... Because that's kind of what we're doing now. It's like small business. You would throw everything behind that. That would be your life. That's what we're doing with this is throwing everything into it. So... But I like the... My fantasy is a food truck. Is a food truck guy. Because I feel like once you get the permits, you know, I know there's some red tape with the permits. But you could just go anywhere. It's like where people... Construction site at lunch. And then people getting out of work. Like...

Boom, you set up there and sell. And then if you need extra money, it's like wherever the clubs let out at 2 in the morning. Oh, yeah. Sell just a limited item, but jack the prices. It's just like a moving money machine. Yeah. You just make money. Good point. Yeah. Yeah, you get the drunks. But you got to get the permanence.

That's at Providence, I think, that Federal Hill. It's like people would come out from drunk and it's just like there's just food trucks lined up. Yeah, they have really good food trucks. Really good. Providence is kind of cool. Next to the Cellar, there's that food truck when you come off the subway from West 4th. It's like spaghetti.

Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a spaghetti food truck. I'm too scared to eat there. Is it any good? I don't know. Maybe you guys want to put me as a reporter. I'll try it and tape a short segment and then send it back to you guys. There's a Mexican food truck right outside of Christopher Street. The one. So good. Shout out to them. I forget...

I forget what they're called. Oh, yeah, they are really good. Very good. $10 burrito, taco. Those tacos are mad good. Very good. They always have a line. Yeah, it's like a great late night. Great spot. Surprisingly good, too, because you like Mexican food. I feel like New York is like, we're just not, we have so many good cuisines, but we just, we have good Mexican spots, but that's like not our thing, New York. Right. Like, you know, Texas, California. Yeah, Houston. Houston.

Houston, good Mexican food. I love Mexican food. San Antonio is amazing for Mexican food. San Diego. Yeah. LA is great Mexican food. I find New York is great for food because I came from Philly. I started comedy in Philly. And New York has great food, but you're going to pay for it. Yeah. As soon as they realize they have great food, everybody jacks the prices up. And it's like a five-star Michelin, whatever. But in Philly, in South Philly, where the Italians are, it's like there's corner places that are delicious and cheap just because they take pride in their food. Interesting. New Orleans is similar. You can't get...

Creole here. I've tried it. It's all horrible. That's another one that for some reason... Also barbecue. Barbecue too. Kind of barbecue. There's a couple, but like... Of course there's like a few. I know people are going to like... Dallas barbecue. Dinosaur barbecue. Yeah, like... Oh, dude. Like Kansas City barbecue or like Oklahoma or Texas. Yeah, so good. Texas. St. Louis. St. Louis. Great barbecue. Nashville. But...

You can't get Creole, but in New Orleans, you can go to some hole-in-the-wall place, get a po' boy, like a shrimp po' boy, and it's the best thing you've ever eaten. It's the culture, yeah. Yeah. But I got to go to Southfield. I've never been to Southfield. That's where Rocky runs through. Yeah, yeah. I got to go there. Is it still Italian? I think so, yeah. Wow. Because I think a lot of Italians moved to South Jersey because they wanted a house and space and all that. But I think that property taxes went up, and all the South Jersey, Washington Township Italians moved back to Southfield. So I think it's like a thing. All right. Yeah.

South Philly. The food is unreal. We used to go to this place called, I dated a girl down there and I worked down there. And we used to go to this place called Evelyn and Shank's. I don't know if it's still there. I doubt it. But it was just a hole in the wall. It was like three tables and like three Italian, old Italian women cooking. I love it. Like have a fried meatball platter. Broccoli rabe. Woo!

Broccoli Rob is solid, dude. You just want a fat lady with a dirty apron. That's all you want out of a restaurant. You want to see like fat tits with a little sweat. Yes. Yeah. Maybe a hairnet. She calls you hun. Or she tells you like, calm down.

Yeah. It's coming. I like a sassy. Man, there was this place in AC called Tony's Baltimore Grill. Oh, yes. I love it. Those old Italian women. Love Tony's Baltimore. That place is so solid. That reminds me of a South Philly place. I love that spot. There's something about it. And also, I remember one week I was there, and I just got loaded there every night. You'd order a Jack and Coke. It would come in a pint glass. Yeah. It was like five bucks. Yeah.

Like, this is a fucking problem right here. But the food is, like, great. Food was great. Yeah. And they were open all night. I mean, it's pre-COVID, but they were open all night. 24 hours, yeah. And all the people, all the waitstaff and stuff from the casinos would get off work and go there. You get some real dregs of society there. Yeah. I brought one of them. My friend Adam is, like, really a fucking problem. He's, like, a degenerate gambler. He's, like, that dude where, you know, you go to a casino and you're playing a gig and he's just there. Yeah.

He'd be like, oh, I thought you were doing a gig here. So I figured, I'm like, oh, boy. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, so you worked, did you ever work the Trop Stop down there? Uh-uh. Okay, so no, you did. Yeah, I got fucking, I got scammed there. Right. They didn't pay me. Whoa. When it was going out, right? Yeah. Okay, so you remember you'd have to stay in that Nucky Thompson building where-

Boardwalk Empire. Yeah, I remember walking into that building shit-faced and just seeing a giant cockroach and stomping it and just collapsing onto the bed.

That's like my memory of that weekend. That's like on a noir movie. Yeah. Like a half bottle of whiskey. I just stopped the cockroach. I just walked over the bed and just fell flat on my face. It's really great. But the thing is, it would be the trap was across the street. And what you would have to do is, and you don't know any of this beforehand when you do it for the first time, so it's complicated. But you drive your car around. You take your suitcase up.

Or you drive the car around and just you have to let it sit there and then go across the street to get the keys and then come back and then put your luggage up and then drive your car to the garage and put it in. So there's like a bunch of steps. But my point is whenever you would drive up, the security guard for that place would come out and be like, you can't.

park every time every single time it was a new guy just waving his hands going you can't park here you can't leave your car here and it's like i know dude i have to go over get the keys and come back but it's like after a while i just leaned into it and just be would be like because people like

sometimes with these jobs, they just, they have information. So it's like, you gotta let them, you gotta let them get it out. Yes. So he goes, you can't park here. I go, are you, I can't? And he goes, no, you cannot park here. It's like, oh, thank you. Thank you for letting me know. I'm going to, can I just leave him here for a couple seconds and then go get the, he goes, all right. That's good. You know what I mean? But it's like, it's like they feel empowered.

Right. You flip it on them. I remember doing that gig because you work with two other comics, right? It was like a three headliner show. And I remember one of the guys I was working with was just like –

He was just betting on... First off, we got scammed on money, so we didn't get paid for the week. But also, the guy I was working with was like a crazy sports gambler. So he would just bet on like meaningless baseball games. You can't bet on baseball. There's 162 games in a season. They're like meaningless, the games. So every time he'd look down, he'd be like, on his phone, he'd be like, can't catch a fucking break. Right.

That was a whole week. And then by the end of the week, I was like, man, he really can't catch a break. We got fucked. But it was always how they would not pay you. It was like, you'll get it in two weeks. Right. It was always that. Yeah. Which just means never.

It meant never at the end, I think, when he was going out of business. I had such a fucking weak agent at the time. He was such a fucking weasel. I remember telling him, and he's like, well, these things happen. I was like, that's not what you say. Wow. That's not what you say. No. I was like, well, you got to do something. And he's just like, no. I'm like, well, you can't commission me for a while. I was like, that's not how it works. I'm like, wow, this guy's a piece of shit. You fired him. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

These things happen. How do you like it? No, it was really, that was like a classic. You know it's a bad gig at a casino when they won't put you up in the casino. Yeah.

Oh, good point. They're not even giving you a hotel room? Yeah. What kind of deal do they have? Like, how much are they shaving off the top that they can't comp you a fucking room? Right. You know? Because you work a good casino. Like, they take care of you. Oh, yeah. Casinos are, that's the hospitality business. Totally. You go to Vegas, like, you won't get better service than Vegas. Did they ever take that deal where they're like, we'll pay you in chips?

Don't take it. No, what? I heard they do that, right, Mark? They do it, but they're talking about lays. Sorry, I'm in joke mode. You're in your bag of Fritos, you can't catch a fucking break. Jesus Christ. But, you know, we were talking about the South Philly plays, the Creole plays. You know what New York has that I worry is going away is the diners.

You guys got these hole-in-the-wall shitbox diners, the greasy spoon. They're so good. I love a greasy spoon. They're dropping like flies. Yeah. I feel like they're not around as plentiful. The flies are in the omelet. No, I love a greasy spoon. I love a good, like something about like an omelet. Yeah.

road to or like two eggs and bacon or like or like you know just fucking crispy ass hash brown yeah a cup of coffee sit there all day read the paper we go to La Boniere on Hudson and it's it's gotta be a health violation in there but it's so good

Best feeling ever is when you're like a regular at a diner and the guy will just come out like, I know what you would like. Yes, yes, we have that guy, Paco. I know what you like. Marco. Marco. Feels good to be seen. Yes, it does. But I like that breakfast all day and then I'm open late, which doesn't happen anymore. I feel like COVID gave people an excuse to be like, no, no, we're closing it.

Right. And any Starbucks and any hotel, it's like never. Never open. It's like we're open from 9, 10 to 9. To like 2 p.m. How about every fucking road coffee shop? They're like, we close at 2. And you're like, people like coffee after 2. Yes. People work at night. Why wouldn't you put one person there just to make the money? Say we go about Hampton Inn. They got coffee around the clock in the lobby. You can take as much as you want. You take 10 cups if you want. When I'm feeling bad, I use a little bit of that hazelnut creamer. Ooh.

We're real fucking piggy. You're living. Damn. A little French vanilla. Oh, that's what killed Kirstie Alley. And the cheese. Cheesecake. Cheesecake. You ever had like a 7-Eleven, you just fucking dumped that Almond Joy creamer in there? It's just straight sugar. It's all sugar. It's like oil and sugar. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, I want a coffee. I want to be an adult. And then you're like, let's put some cake batter creamer in there. See, that's what the diners are leaving and the 7-Elevens are taking over. Ah.

7-Elevens are gross. They're terrible. I mean, it's tough, too. I feel like they didn't come in for the diners. They came in for those corner stores. Yeah, yeah. Right. Classic. Also, how many fucking vape shops? I know. I hate the vape. It's literally like, I don't feel like people, is vaping going to be forever? Is that a thing? I guess it will be. I think it's cheap overhead, and they make money, but yeah, I hate them.

They're everywhere, and they got the neon lights flashing. It's a new bong store, I guess. It used to be the pipes. And then also, there's a bunch of if the screen is broken on your phone stores. Yes, yes. Broken screen store? I don't even know. This is a great podcast. Three aging white guys don't like change. And you know what else I don't like that's changing? You know what really grinds my gears? They should have finished that wall.

That's really what this is turning into. All right. We got to wrap this up before this turns into a 60 minutes or whatever. Mickey Rooney. You got some dates to plug in? Yeah, I have two big ones, which is Rosemont, Illinois. Yeah.

Yeah. Good room. Please come out to that one. I love that club. And Levity Live in Nyack. Nice. So those two dates. Palisades Mall, right? Yeah. So Nyack and Chicago. May 26th and 27th for Chicago. June 8th through 10th at Levity Live. Nice. And please watch the special on YouTube. Mike Vecchio on The Attractives. And follow me on social media at ComicMikeV. I'm putting out content there.

One of the best comics. Great joke writer. And one of the best dudes as well. I really appreciate you guys having me on. I know I cold texted you, Sam, and I appreciate you really having me on to hang out, number one, and to promote also. One of the best comics since, as long as I can remember, prolific and a fucking great dude. So it's nice, always nice when it's both. A lot of people we have on here, they're funny, but they're pieces of shit. Yeah, you got that right.

Successful rapist. I don't care for him, man. Successful rapist. You were the first guy I ever saw at the cellar, by the way. I went to the cellar when I first moved here, and it was Geraldo. Oh, my God. It was Attell. It was you and Norton. That was the show. And it was a banger. And then somebody I can't remember. Somebody I think he's not doing anymore. But you killed. And I brought a friend. He was like, that guy who looked like a cop.

Never stop telling jokes. That's awesome. Because everyone else kind of, Geraldo was hammered in a Norton fuck with a guy in the crowd, but you just boom, boom, boom. It was great. That's an insane lineup. Yeah. That's really fucking cool. Good times. When does this come out?

Okay. All right. Before you do your dates, Sam, this comes out May 21st. What's your prediction on the playoffs? Let's see if it comes true. By the way, my prediction on the playoffs. Dude, you know I'm fucking. I know, but I want to hear how you think it's going to play out. My prediction is I'm all in on the Knicks, baby. Always. That's not a good prediction. I bet with my heart and I live by the fucking sword, brother. I don't think that makes sense. But you know what I'm saying, brother. This is going to be you on May 21st. Can't catch a break. All right.

All right. So May, let's see. May or June 1st in Hampton Beach. Oh, New Hampshire. Yeah. Portland, Maine. Uh, Mashantucket, Connecticut. Don't know what that is. It's a casino, I guess. Oh, Fox. There we go. Richmond, Virginia. Pearly's baby. Hey, great. Pearly's my favorite Jewish spot. Great diner. Yeah. Uh, Greensboro, Asheville, Charlotte, uh,

Knoxville, Memphis, Tennessee on June 9th. June 10th in Birmingham. June 11th in Chattanooga. 9th, 10th, 11th, three different cities. That's impressive. You had a bus? Three nights. We were on the bus for that one. June 13th in Nashville. The rhyming is great. June 22nd. Oh, you're doing the rhyming? Yeah. Wow, that's a beauty. One of the great venues in America. A late show added at the Paramount Theater on the 22nd of June. Also a great venue. Yeah.

Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. You get the deal. Tickets at samorell.com slash shows. And Bodega Cat. And I do believe, tell me if I'm wrong here, Mark, your comedy special is out?

No. Not yet? Not yet, not yet. I think July. Okay. We got some time. And this is a special I directed for Stavros. It's about to hit a million views in two weeks. Wow. Stavros is on fire. My brother, Stavros. It's on YouTube, four nights in New York City. Nice. One of the best. One of our faves. So funny. And...

And my Nick's brother, now that Giannis got knocked out, once the Bucs lose, Stav is all in on the Knicks. There you go. I'll be in this weekend when this comes out. I think I'll be in Austin doing that mothership. Nice. I'm going to check that out. And then I'm going straight to Australia from there. Oh, my God. I'll see you in Sydney, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne, New Zealand.

Brisbane. Austin to Sydney. That's not a direct. No, it's going to be ugly. I'm coming back to New York, then flying out. Oh, wow. But it's going to be a nightmare of a flight. But I'm staying there for a while. And we're adding shows like crazy. So jump on board. Get on it. Oy, oy, oy. And then announcing, by the time this comes out, I'll have my theater tour announced. And we'll go from there. Doing all the big cities.

See you in hell. Thank you, Mike. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Yes. For your Bodega Cat. We're making moves. By the way, I was just in Texas. I'm holding one up in the fucking liquor store. How crazy is that? Amazing. It's in the store. Bought a couple bottles because I want them to know shit's going down. Yeah. I want them to know product's moving. There you go. But, yeah. Beer Jew, you got anything? No.

Beer's You is in New York for a while. Come see me at Good Room, Brooklyn and Greenpoint. Hell yeah. I'll be here for a while until I go to Australia as well. Ooh. Nice. Okay. Well, there you go. All right, Sally. Thank you, Peters. Queef it up. We love you, Peters. We love you all at home. Thank you for listening and tell a friend. There you go. Keep drinking. It's talking dangerous. Up to lunch here in Newt, this woman does it.