Ep 128: Rachel Feinstein & Vodka Soda
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Hey, hey. Ho, ho. This penis party's got to go. We're waiting on a guest.

Ladies, always running on lace, got to put their makeup on, their good face on. Yeah, yeah, the tampons, the maxi pads, you name it. Nah, I'm joking. Let's open with a peeve. Okay. This is one of my best friends, Rachel Feinstein, who's on the episode today. And this is her excuse why she's running late. She called me and she goes, oh, thank you very much. This is a Campari soda. Ooh. That looks nice.

She wanted a vodka soda. Thank you, Danielle. Let me tell you something. When it's hot out like this and the city's getting warm again, I crave a Campari soda. There's something old man Italian about it. I kind of like it. It's a summer drink. It's refreshing. It's a good cocktail. Oh, yeah. All right. What do I got here? Gin and ton? Vodka. Vodka ton. Vodka soda.

Yeah.

Yeah. One time a guy got me. He goes, why didn't you answer my call? He called me and I didn't answer and I texted him. And he goes, why didn't you answer? I go, I'm driving. And he's like, so you don't answer the phone when you're driving, but you text? And I was like, damn it. He got me. I actually had a friend who was so dumb he would do that. What? I would call him and he would text back, driving right now. And I was like, yeah, he's dumb enough to do this. Ah.

Yeah. Wasn't you. He's a guy who's actually dumb enough to text and drive, but he's like, I shouldn't talk on the phone, but I'll text. Right. I think it's illegal to talk on the phone while driving. Is it? Is that illegal? Maybe not with the car play, because you can just go, boop, hey, how are you? But the texting is definitely illegal. They're getting a little carried away on the iPhone with the...

The driving thing? I was walking the other day and it said, are you driving? I was like, I'm walking slowly. Oh, yeah. What are we doing here? I know. One time, I'll ever tell you this, I was driving in LA and I was texting and I look over and a guy's in a car next to me. He goes... And I was like, oh, shit. It felt like a dad. I wanted to blow him. I was like turned on. I was like, you're right. You got me. You got me dead to rights. Give me a good spanking after that. Yeah, bend me over. Take it, daddy. I...

I did that once. We were both on our phones and we walked into each other. And we were both mad at the other person. Like, my phone thing was more important than your phone thing. Right. Yeah. I've seen a guy walk into a pole before while texting. And that's very satisfying. It's a stripper. They're not even paying attention while they're dancing anymore. I tell you. These strippers, no respect.

Strippers are taking Venmo now. Are they really? Yeah. They get a little barcode temporary tattoo with a little QR. The homeless have got to figure Venmo out. Oh, no shit. They're getting crushed. Killed out there. No one has cash. No cash.

I know. I love cash. I'm all cash. Yeah, well, we still get paid in cash. It's nice having cash on you. I love having cash. Yeah. And it's easier for tipping. You throw one in the bucket, you know? Yeah, which bucket? What, the bathroom attendant or something? Well, like at the pizza place, you pop one in the jar of the coffee shop.

I never pay by cash, though. Yeah, it's fun to throw in a tip. I'm all okay. I hate the fucking screen turning around and you go, oh, I give you the 20% and you have to sign. I hate that thing. Here's a one. Here's a two. Yeah. I'm not signing shit. Why do you hate it? I just don't like them looking at me.

tipping so they know yeah it's too intrusive because this way it's more like it's unexpected like the expected tip isn't exciting they're like yeah yeah no you should give this but when it's you're like oh no and here's something exactly it should be on my my own volition that makes sense yeah i don't want you gonna ask me to tip now i have to tip the tipping is the whole point of it is here you go it's a gift yeah now it's an obligation

Look at us in our Bodega Cat shirts. Oh, yeah. We're looking kind of cool. Reppin', baby. Look at that. This is a little small on me. This is a tight, but this is all they had. Yeah? Yeah, I'll wear it. You'll wear it? I'll wear it. All right. I'm not going to take it off now. You don't want to see my hairy physique. Not now, but at a future time. You don't want to see this Holocaust body? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me? It looks like a garlic knot that fell on the floor of a barbershop.

Where do you stand on garlic knots? I think it's overrated. It's all just bread. They can be done really well, a garlic knot. But yeah, I'm at the pizza place. Why am I going to get garlic? Here we go. Look who it is. Come on. She's here. It's just like a Kramer entrance. Sit down. There's your mic. How are you there? Hey, Rach. Good to see you. You're like Mary Poppins. You whisked in here. Thank you. Bye.

Well, you need a microphone here. This is Danielle. I'm Danielle. Nice to meet you. Hi. You got your water cash? You're out of breath? What's going on? Because I put the wrong address in the Uber. We were trying to poke holes in your wrong address here. Look at my Uber. You can look at my Uber. I know, but you said you're on 44th Street. That's why I don't understand why it makes a difference. Well, because I did two dumb things. But look at my Uber route. I want to hear the other dumb things and what adds up. I'm Columbo-ing you. It's extra dumb. There's one more thing that was bothering me. It's extra dumb. All right.

okay so okay so i did i accidentally went to i put in the uber okay first of all you guys moved addresses that's true that's true a year and a half ago so um a year and a half ago so i haven't been here since then so then um i was like oh the old one was right by caroline's so i put caroline's in there but i put caroline's school or something like it reconnects which is also no longer here which is also

no longer here and then I was just like on the phone and all of a sudden I realized I was like oh wait not only are we not there but we're like at Caroline's school like not even their comedy club but like their school and I was like fuck and I was so proud of myself too I was like I'm gonna be a few minutes early like I have my shit together this is a new fucking reach and I was like I'm gonna get a slice on the way in all of a sudden I was like oh god

Yeah, and then Sam called me and I was like really hoping that you guys didn't run a tight ship But weirdly enough for being like such a mess you run a tight fucking ship. We gotta hit We gotta have a regimented schedule But I will say that I'm usually on time and I was on time. That's not true No, no not for social engagements before works You are one of the friends where I'm like I'm gonna show 15 minutes late and then I'm still 15 minutes early

Oh, yeah. Definitely. No, socially I'm pretty worthless. You do have a kid, though, at least. You have that excuse. Having a kid gives you, you know, that's an excuse. That's going to be what my book is. It's going to be like, as a mom, juggling it all, something, something, Jaeger. I saw a clip with Chris D., and he's like, anyone who doesn't have kids who complains is a fucking retard. You got to go get your shit done. You don't have kids. I have kids. It's so hard. You can't find a relationship. Fuck you. I have kids. It is funny, like, the things that your friends without kids, like,

will complain about, you know, like, like, like they'll be like, oh yeah, like this girl wouldn't leave after I fucked her. And I'm like, you know what, dude, you know, I told you that in confidence. I wasn't going to say your name, by the way. I literally thought myself. That was pretty rude. But also kids never leave. Good luck trying to get rid of one of them. They're always there. That's why pedophiles should know. Okay. Uh,

Yeah, but my, like, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on the podcast, but I can bleep it if we don't. Okay, but, like, James, like, he was supposed to shoot something with me and my husband on Sunday, and he's like, like, a mom excuse would be like, oh, my friend, you know, my daughter has a fever or whatever or something.

you know, anything like that. James Webb, the director. James, I love James. Directed both of me and Mark's Netflix specials. James is like, I was like, so we're going to definitely shoot Sunday. He's like, I'm thinking about tripping. Just doing drugs? He's like, I might do shrooms is the best excuse and the most honest excuse I've ever heard. At the shoot? That's the moment where you're like, just make up something. Yeah, yeah. I might decide to trip, but I haven't decided yet is a worthless paragraph. Damn, he's honest.

I respect that. It's fun because he shot my special and I got all these big wig agents there and he wouldn't give them a time of day and you could tell it really fucked with them. They're like, who's this guy? A jacked, muscly dude walking around in a tank top. Yes. And all these suits are trying to talk to him and he's just like walking around looking like a Blade Runner extra. Yeah. He's got the gear on, the big steadicam body armor. James lived with me for a while and it was hilarious. Yeah, we have both.

He was going to come to New York. He's the father. Yes, he's the dad of my child. Yeah, he knocked me. James banged me for a while. He's a hunk. You got stuffed by James? I got stuffed up by James. No, actually, not only does James not even file me in the category of a woman, but I was telling him something once about like, you know when you're like, does this person even know I'm a woman? I'm like, I don't think he even realizes it. I was actually telling a story about somebody that was clearly hitting on me

And on Instagram and James is like, nah, I don't see it. Come on. There's no way. Even Sam was like, no, I think he's had a pretty direct DM hitting. And he's like, nah, couldn't be possible. Not her. It's a dick pic. He's like, no way. You're reading into this. Every story where I even like forward like a light compliment, James is like, come on. I've crunched the numbers on that. Impossible.

You're dreaming. Yeah. He just doesn't even see me as a female, which is fine. That's fine. Some people file you under female. Some people... Do you ever feel like that? Like where some women register you as a man and other ones, you're like... Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a twink or a... You know, I'm just a blah. I'm an asexual. I'm neutral. You know? It's a bad feeling when a woman calls you like buddy or pal. Mm.

I'm like, that fucking, I don't care for that. Even if I know they're married, I'm like, you better, I want them sexual tension in the mix still. Yes. Yeah. Of course. Although women are trickier whether they're attracted to you, and I've said this to you before, Sam, because sometimes, like, you'll think somebody's not into you, and I'm like, no, that's just her playing a,

Highly manipulative, subtle game. And I've done that too. I love games. She might be buddying you because she wants you to. Sure. But then you have the guy who uses that. Like, oh, that girl hates you. No, no, that's how she flirts. And you're like, no, no, she hates me. So there's that side of it too. She gave you the finger across the street. She wants it. Yeah.

It is a convenient place to file anybody that's mean to you or rejecting you. My brother said that to me once just probably because he felt sorry for me. I was like, this guy is really mean to me. He's like, he's probably attracted to you. And I'm like, that's such a healthy thing to tell you. Right, right. Whenever somebody is just not interested in hanging out with you or doesn't care for your comedy to probably really aroused by me.

Yeah, but you see guys all the time like, oh, they're just jealous. Like, oh, they shit on my act. Yeah, but they're just jealous. I'm like, I wish I had that. I'm like, yeah, my act does suck. I agree with them. I have a friend who's so confident with women and he's like, I remember he went up to a girl drunk and a boy once. He goes, let's be honest. You came here to get fucked. And she was like, no, I didn't.

And he was like, yeah, you did. Holy shit. That's a marvelous line. Would you believe it didn't work? That was actually my great aunt, Edith Schneider's pickup line. She also used to say that. Yeah. That would work well for a woman. She would often walk into the deli and just see a guy, you know, and be like, hey, Seymour, you came here to get fucked. Come on. You want one thing, and that's this sweet pussy. Yeah.

Let's be honest, you came here to get fucked is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. It's an all-timer. You got a good pickup line? Nah, not, I mean, eh, I have a few things that are fun, you know, what would you go to? My go-to is, man, if I wasn't gay, and then they go, oh, too bad, and I go, I'm not! Wait, wait,

You see me do, Rachel see me do one of them, which is the one where I'll be the boss. I was going to say, yeah. Well, I'll go up to a group at a bar and I'll pretend to be on the phone and I'll be like, 20 million for the children's hospital? That's not enough money. We have to make more. I'm sorry, I have to take this call. It's very important. That's good. That usually works. That's good. Usually at least a smile. I,

I've never seen it not work. Way back in the day when we used to actually go out together and like try to wig each other, Sam would pull that one and it would be a real... Which is a way better look for men being with a woman because you're like, he's not a murderer, he's with a woman. But it doesn't do her any favors to be with me. No, you're a prop. You're like, this guy's drunk. Right, right.

No, people were just like highly suspicious of me and Sam. Like, you know, it worked for Sam fully. I'm like, oh, you could trust him. I'm like an appendage to trusting him. Exactly. Yeah. But yeah, when he would like hang around near me and I would talk to a guy, they'd just be like, what are you guys trying to do? Are you trying to rob me or like co-rape me? Like what's happening? It's not good luck. Sam would be like, hey, the Knicks something. And the guy was just like, I'll take over. I'd be like, look at her. See her? Not going to kill you. Come here. Yeah.

I use Will for that. I have Will standing there. I'm like, ah, black joke, black joke. Hey, Will's here. We got Will here. Will Silvins, everybody. Will. The thing is that you can get away with, with Will next to you on stage when you're yabba dabba doing. Oh my God. Forget about it.

The worst is when you're riffing with Will and the audience groans and you're like, I went too far with Will. Yeah, true. That's a bad sign. True. Because you really got to get a jail-free card with the juice stuff with me, though. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, good point. This is such a twatty way to start a sentence that I realize I come off as an absolute twat, but my housekeeper...

Oh, poor me, my hard life. No. Okay. She comes every couple of weeks. She doesn't live with me. But anyway, so we've had a pretty close relationship for, you know, for like she comes every couple of weeks to like clean. Overshared with her to a great degree. I thought probably like webs had been held by her at moments. Not good. Wow. Anyway, but I thought we were like super close. And I swear to God, she was like in the middle of cleaning and she stopped and she goes, uh,

She goes, my friend Mariana, she works for Jewish people. And she's like, bad people, no? No.

She didn't know. And she said it's no. She knows. Oh, that's even weirder. I would check out the story. That's why she was asking me. She's like, it's bad people. No. And then I was like, are they like I said, I got I slowly gathered that they were like Hasidic Jews, you know, and she's like, they like they're not nice to her. They make her wash the walls. They make her eat outside and separate the food. So I tried to explain like being kosher to her.

And then I was like, I was really proud of my speech. I was like, well, with any extreme religion, I was like, you're going to get a lot of repression. A lot of these guys go to prostitutes and things. Any extreme religion, you're going to hook her. And all kinds of weird stuff's happening for any fundamentalist religion. I'm really thinking, I'm like, wow, what a marvelous monologue you're weaving to teach her not to hate Jews. And then she goes, but Jews, she's a bad, right? And then I tried to explain.

explain the Holocaust? And I was like, some of the reasons why she goes, they have 10 kids. It's gross, right? Not necessary. I have 10 kids. I was like, I mean, I don't disagree with that. No, that is weird. It's a weird look. Yeah, but you know it's kind of lost when you have to explain the Holocaust. I know. It might be over. When you're throwing that in. Let me explain the 1940s to you. No, it's too late. We're ready. What?

Once you're like searching up shit tags on your phone, it's not a good life. But Jewish is tough because you can't always tell. It's not like a black guy or an Asian guy. So you must hear some Jew stuff, some Jew hate, and people will go, oh, I didn't know that was you.

Because, you know, you might not know you're Jewish out of the gate. I've gotten that before. People think Italian sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I could be from a lot of... See? Italian, too. I'm like, no, I'm just Jewish and French-Canadian. Yeah. After I heard you speak, I'd be like, definitely a Jew. Yeah, I know.

Really? The prettiest girls are always French-Canadian. I'm not hitting on you, I swear. She doesn't register as a woman. I'm just an entity. Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? What did you say? How do you know she was Jewish when they're speaking? Nasally, I don't know. Oh, really? Nasally.

No, not nasally, but it's a Jewish voice. It's a Jewish voice. All right, I'm learning. People under all my videos just talk about my voice, so apparently I have a very annoying, very nasal, problematic... Yeah, you just looked at me like you were trying not to agree so quickly. You're like, I'm going to give it a second. I'm just staring off, listening. No, no, it's a fine voice. I mean...

I mean, look who's talking. I sound like a fucking robot. I'm inviting the comments to just explode right now. Oh, bring it on. We need the algo. We need the comments. Keep commenting, guys. Yeah, fight in the comments. Go nuts. Yeah, and I also, when I showed her the picture of the Holocaust, I actually brought up a picture of some kids. I was like, see, they killed all these people, and here they are shaking a fence. And I was like,

Oh, my Lord. I was like, so that's the reason why they want to have so many kids. By the way, please feel free to fact check me because I have no information. I think you're right. That's why Jews want to marry Jews, too. Right. And why they because they don't know if the Holocaust is ever going to happen again. So I explained it to her and I showed her like some of the some like Jewish kids holding a fence. And she was like, she just kind of shrugged. Like she was like, yeah, she never heard of this. She didn't know about the Holocaust. I'm not.

sure. Wow. I thought we were doing pretty good PR getting it out there. Yeah. PR is hilarious. My mom will do shit like that where my mom will call me and be like, you know, I had a taxi driver today and he was just, you know, saying how Jews are cheap and bad people. So of course I didn't leave him a tip and I'm like, good job, mom. You showed him. Yeah.

Way to break the stereotype. You just reminded me to tip the Uber driver. Okay. Well, I'm glad I brought that up. I always do it at my next Uber. Does anybody do that? Like, I don't remember to put it in. He just looks up. He goes, Feinstein. Yeah.

I don't put it in until I take the next ride. Is anybody else like that? I'm the same way. You forget about it. Yes. Okay. So I just kind of think that's an okay time to do it. No, it is. Is that true or no? Sure. Yeah. As long as you tip them. Okay, good. Yeah. All right. Well, the tough thing about the Uber is what do you tip a cab? Two bucks? Well, I just tipped him 20 because I promised him to pay him cash if he would take me here because I realized because I already ended the ride with the wrong address. And then I realized I didn't give him anything and ran out of the cab.

Oh, that's hilarious. But it was only four blocks difference. Okay, okay. Just tipped him, yeah. Yeah. All right, good. You're a good person. I am. Just remind him of the Holocaust, you know? I just took a look. You didn't tip well. Look at these children. Pull up a photo. Look at that. They're hugging a fence.

The photo is such a dumb moment. Why did he need to show her a picture? And I Googled like cute pics. You need to watch Holocaust docs as a Jew because we complain so much culturally that it does for just a brief period put things in perspective where I'm like, this fucking happened. There's construction in my building. And then you watch it like, oh, Otto Frank wasn't granted citizenship and they died. Right.

As a family. Yeah, all you have to do is look up typhus. If you think I'm being a twat in a store, just be like typhus kids holocaust. Uh-oh, I don't know what typhus. Well, they all just died of typhus and all kinds of other gangrenous diseases in the camps, which is why I can be like a fucking cunt in a deli. Yeah, sure. That makes sense. No, I think

I feel like we're pretty good. We both tip pretty well as Jews. But we just overanalyze everything and complain. Yeah, I think a lot of people were in our heads. But I do think it's a very New York thing. So much is coming at you all day that you'll be on the subway like, oh my God, this fucking asshole, this fucking asshole here. No respect. No respect.

And then you see someone come on with no legs and you're like, what am I complaining about? I'm a fucking asshole. Then you get to the next stop and another guy bumps you and you're like this fucking cocksucker. Right. It reminds me of that scene from Sidebar, one of my favorite scenes ever when like they're all at their funeral and she's like, and then like everybody's just like wailing, sobbing. And Elaine's like, I feel like I wear the same thing again and again and again. Yes. So true. Everyone's got their own process. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. A friend of mine, she has like, like twins and she's like talking about trying to get their house ready because one of them can't walk and they need like a, they need to like, you know, wheelchair proof the house and put these like ramps up. And then I'm just like,

I feel like I should be playing larger theaters. I always feel bad whenever I see a wheelchair at an airport, I sit in it because I'm like, ah, a seat. And then somebody will be like, hey, I'm using this, like the helper. I get it. I'm like, whoo-hoo.

Look at this. I'm doing wheelies. Did you just find this out right now? This is amazing. You guys don't do that? No, but I will use an occasional handicap stall. Oh, I just use one. No one's ever. You never get that. Wait, I can literally never tell if Mark is joking. I thought you were being ironically. No, no. I don't think that's crazy. I get the wheelchair. Well, if you see the wheelchair person come up, you move. I don't think it's crazy. I don't deal with it. The wheelchair person is incredible. The guy hobbling. The handicapable guy. I don't see anything.

this guy once and his mom was complaining and complaining, this Russian guy, about how they were like, they had no friends when they first moved to the country. And her example of how her kids weren't popular, she's like, she was linked with the wheelchair person. And she said this like openly, just like she was just appalled at what the degradation they had to deal with when they first moved here. She's like, Marina, she's a friends with wheelchair person. It's a disaster. We have no friends.

There's something beautiful about people that don't fully know the language because they're blunt honesty. Yes, yes. It's kind of beautiful. But that's still pretty shitty to say. Of course. My kid's so much of a loser. They're friends with the old cripple. Yeah. Yeah, like my friend was once – I dated another guy before that and his mother – not my friend, my ex. His mother also – I came in one day and she was weeping in the kitchen. Yeah.

Also, people that don't know they're racist but are aggressively racist. I love them. She was weeping in the kitchen and I was like, what is wrong? What's happened? And she's like, well, I tell you, this nice girl, her family, she's dating a person with a darker skin. That lovely doctor that she's dating and she's like, he's from a place, maybe even the boat wall.

That was her way of saying it. Just weeping, like genuine weeping. And I was like, yeah, you know, he sounds like a really lovely and positive person. Why do you think the color of his skin is so upsetting to you? And she's like, maybe I'm like this thing, like if you don't like these different dresses or something. I love that she was like openly trying to figure it out. I'm like, yeah, racist. Yeah. I'm like, yes.

I like that you have to cheer her up too. It'll be okay. She's like, it plays like even the boat won't go. That's like poetic. It is nice when somebody's that openly, because at least you know where you stand. And the word choice is so nice too. The boat, that's beautiful. It's like old timey racism. It's like a Hemingway. I love Mark's joke about how... Hemingway racist is amazing. Yeah.

Mark has a joke about how when someone's being racist with you, you almost appreciate it because you're like, wow, that was terrible, but I didn't know we were so close. Yeah, you can trust them. That is hilarious. Yeah, if they're racist, you're full of hate, but at least you connect with them. Yeah, we have intimacy. Yes, exactly. No, that is true. I do another one of those. Thank you, Danielle. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Sexual stuff, too, is always good when someone opens up. Like, I like this. Like, what's his face? I'm not going to say who, but he loves getting pegged. And he was telling me all about it.

Everyone knows who you're talking about. No. No. Sorry. I can't remind me of that. Sorry. He's open about it. It's in a special. It's in his act. Ronan Hirshberg. He loves a good pegging. He doesn't love it, but he did it once. Oh, he doesn't? No, the joke is that he didn't like it. Oh! The joke, but everyone knows. I heard the peg part and I moved on. I didn't listen to the ending. This is like a headline for you. Yes, yes. You just saw the headline. You're like, that's good enough for me. Yeah. No, he said...

He liked the finger in the butt, so he tried pegging and pegging. It turns out a finger is the perfect size. Oh, I missed that part. That's the joke. That's funny. But his mom saw the special, so I'm sure he'll have a joke about the mom seeing the peg. Ooh. Yeah. That is rough. So respect for putting that in the special. Yeah, good for Ronan. Thank you, Daniel. But yeah, pegging. I see him very differently now. Yeah? Yeah, I can't...

It doesn't seem like one. Could you be with a guy you've pegged? Like, if you pegged a guy, could you keep dating him? I have never done anal since you asked, Mom. You've never done it to you? Never done, had it done, never had a desire to do it. I don't like a lot of, like, foolishness. I don't like a lot of fanfare. Is that foolishness?

Toys are ridiculous. Toys are not. It's a whole business. I went to a sex store with a woman once. She paid, by the way. She put her card down before I even get in. It was over $400 worth of sex toys. Whoa. We didn't use one of them. Really? We tried the first one. We're like, this is stupid. Oh, my lady likes them. Really? Oh, she's got a drawer full of goodies. Really? Oh, yeah. It's a toy chest.

It's wild. And she knows how to use all of them. Oh, my God. Do you do it with her? I think my problem is my EDD because I can't read the instructions. I'm not going to follow any instructions. Well, it's pretty self-explained. They vibrate. They penetrate. They wiggle. There's one we used, but it was from a previous. She already had it. And all the stuff we bought, I was like, this is excessive. This is ridiculous. Yeah, well, I'll finish pretty quick. You have to charge it all. You feel ridiculous. You look at my nightstand. We had like four things charging at my nightstand. I know. I look like a fucking predator. What is this shit? I did.

I don't remember what the podcast is, but they send you all these sex toys. Oh, yeah. So I got like 50 in the mail. Do you know what I'm talking about? I can't remember the name of it. I've gotten the fleshlights and whatnot. So the same housekeeping I just talked about. Uh-oh. Organized them like on my top shelf, just like this bouquet of sex toys. So he just walked into my room and it's just like, I look like just a godless, inexhaustible whore. Yeah. It's like on the open shelving. It's just like one shelf.

full of text with like a teddy bear of frankincense on the end. And you got a surge protector. And there's no way I can discuss it with her and be like, I don't use all of these because it just sounds like all I do is just jam them right between my, it seems like at home. She comes home, you come home, she's dusting them off the shelf. They were organized in these cute little things.

Oh, well, they are kind of cute. They're little and pink and blue, you know? One time I was like, I have to become more interesting in bed because I'm like, nobody's ever even bothered to tell me I'm the best they've ever had. Like, no one would tell me that lie. No one's been able to look in my eyes and be like, it's never been better. I gotta step it up. And so I tried to look up like some sort of sexual thing.

And I Googled like naughty games on Amazon. I was like, I really feel like I'm 60 looking this up. Yeah. And then I got like a sex game. I was like, oh, maybe we'll play a game. And the game is just covered in cocks. It's just like a million drawn like cocks and badges. Like why would that be the artwork? Like be discreet, you know? It should be like – Yeah, this classy – this board game should have class and dignity. Yeah.

You're trying to learn how to fuck better. My sexual board game is sorry. Damn. Yeah, but now the lady uses a lot. Well, I finish in like two seconds a lot. So then I'll just go to town with the problem over in our household. Oh, really? Yeah.

Really? So she's trying to... So she's trying to get... You know, I feel guilty, so I want to get her off as well, so we'll pull out the old toy chest. Okay, and you're pretty good about it, and you're like... Yeah, I want her to get off, and I'm... Get that little egg thing you worked at Clay's, right? I love the egg. Yeah, I love the egg. Sometimes I get two going at once. Two eggs? Oh, yeah. I'm cooking. Over easy. I'm scrambling. Oh, yeah.

Where did the eggs go? Poached. You know, you put one up top, one maybe on the shoulder, a little massage action. Got a hard day. I got a Theragun going on her tries. Yeah.

Remember when they used to advertise that? It'd be clearly like a magic wand dildo, and they're like, oh, it's good for the neck. Like, that was a commercial on TV. Yeah. Good times. Have you guys ever had, like, weird sex dreams about somebody that you're not even attracted to? Yes. Sure. I've had some insane, highly sexual dreams. Yeah. Okay. Dildo alarm. Yeah.

Yeah, about the same. And they're hot. I want to stay in them. I'm like, whoa, Estee, all right. How about this? That was mine. It was somebody that I was like, actually, I mean, like Estee is Lisa's attractive woman. I was like somebody that I'm not attracted to at all. So like...

Okay. It was... I was... She's the book of the Connelly seller for people at home. Yeah, we can probably cut that out. No, keep it in. It's very important for our product. That's what she said. Keep it in. I had a dream that I, like, went down on my... Why am I telling this story? Tell it. The housekeeper? It's the problem with drinking. No, on my, like...

12th grade. I'm sorry. Senior year history teacher who was like 85. Oh, wow. Like aggressively heinous. She had like white hair in her ears. She's probably dead now. Oh, it's a lady. Yes. Whoa.

And it was like, and I dreamed that I just like, just went to town. How did her vagina look in the dream? Was it, was it better than you expected? I think it was. No, because I think that the dream was that like, first of all, I woke up like, why the fuck would I dream that I went down on Albert? Like she was like this very serious militant NSL government teacher who was like 85 years old. Wow. There's no way that I'm like secretly attracted to her. I think it was like the fact,

that everybody at school knew. Like, not only was she just, like, spread eagle, just what she should have been teaching at NSL government, and I was just deep in her snatch, but everybody at school knew that I'd gone down there. Like, I think they all walked in, and they were like, oh, we can't start NSL government because Rachel's just... Wow, have you ever been with a lady? No. Wow, that's fascinating. I, like, I made out with a girl once, but, you know, that's with everyone in the world. Sure, sure. But, no, I've never, like...

But yeah, I just I woke up just rocking with shame and horror that everybody at my high school would know. Were they mocking you in the class or no? It was just like quietly getting around. It was worse than active mockery. It was like I was getting strange looks, odd interactions. They're like, hmm, weren't you just 69ing with a history teacher in the beginning of class? And I was like an impediment to them walking in the class because I was just there just really worried.

Yeah, really fisting the history teacher. I've had a few dreams like that where there's that soft knowledge around that I fucked someone in a very inappropriate place. Like on the floor of the cellar when everyone's trying to get in. They're like, ah, your wrist would get railed there. I thought the band was annoying. Here's Rachel plowing away. It's always just like some sort of heinous scene. I think a lot of this is at like,

I don't want to get too therapy on you. Please, analyze it. Like, great shame with sex. Oh, maybe. Oh, yeah, obviously. Right? I mean... Because it's weird. This is an element to your sexy dreams is the shame part and the rumor. There's no sexy part of them. It's only just that I'm in public just...

you know, really just... Interesting. Yeah, you're right. It must be like a deep shame. And it's also in public places. Yes, in public places. So you think it's like you're like, maybe whatever houses you use are going to get out. Right. Yes. Now I'm ignorant, but I thought Jews had less sex shame. Yeah.

I thought the Christians were all sex shame. Really? I think that that's true. Christians are more known for the sin associated with sex, but I feel like everybody has sex shame. You guys just have it like a kind of a corner on the extreme. Yeah, well, when I was a kid, the Jewish gals were the ones putting out. Oh, thanks. The BJs. Shout out to Jewish ladies for sucking us off early on. Yeah.

You know who you are. Thank you. Something, something America. Thank you, Noah. I was actually talking about like summer camp when you're Jewish and you go to summer camp and like when you're like learning how to do things when you're in like sixth grade that you should be doing when you're maybe in high school. Yes. And that's what like

Oh, the Jewish stay-away camp. You learn lots of things really young, and then you kind of just try them out, and everyone knows objectively everyone's terrible at what they're doing, and then you go from there. It's funny because my best friend and Jewish sleep-away camp, we used to like...

call each other lesbian lovers because we didn't understand that that wasn't like funny. We were just like, oh, we're lesbian lovers. So we would just always do that and sort of like hang on each other all the time. And they had like a big dance where the boy camp, I don't know if your Jewish sleepaway camp was like this, but there was like a boy camp and a girl camp. And they had a dance like on like, I think it was like the night before Shabbat.

And all the counselors gather around this one boy that I was just so attracted to. I'm sure I just humped a pillow thinking about him for many a night in my bunk. And then they all decided it was between me and another girl with straight hair. I always wanted just like straight, silky, like Hitler Youth kind of hair. Oh, yeah. And they were all...

We all want we all want the opposite like all these all these aunts with like frizzy hair might just give me some fucking straight hair Yes, yes, hate the frizz. Yeah, you like a nice clean blonde not a spare any evidence He's like cleaner off

And I like Jewish women. So there you go. You like what you didn't have yet. Exactly. They all they all went in a huddle around this guy and and he was trying to decide whether he should dance with me or this other girl, Sarah. And the huddle was so quick. They were like, no. And I heard one of the guys permanently traumatized me. One of the camp counselors like her. No, she's gross. Yeah.

That doesn't even option. Those are the two we're arguing about. And he was an adult? Yes, he was a camp counselor. He's like, ah, she doesn't register as a woman. Yeah, exactly. Have you heard the voice? Come on. He goes, if I was going to fuck a kid, it'd be a much hotter kid. All right?

What's with you guys in the camps? I thought you were done with the camps. We don't do the same things in those camps. They feed us. Oh, got it, got it. Do you do canoe and stuff? Yeah, sure. Okay, you did that? I did, yeah. Wow. Yeah, we canoe. We do like archery. You do archery in Jewish camp, right? Whoa. We do a lot of fun-loving sports. And then every Shabbat, we have to wear like white, and there's some sort of dance or performance. Really?

Did you do a performance at your camp? I did, yeah. I got on stage for sure. How did you fare at Jewish camp? I did pretty well. Yeah, no, I got big laughs, yeah. Oh, you did a routine? I won funniest camper, yeah. Whoa! Funniest camper? Yeah. We've got to get that on the wall. Is that okay? Holy hell. I don't know if I would have done as well in a Nazi death camp. I'm like, hey guys, let me do five minutes here. Funniest camper. Nothing to sneeze at.

I was proud. Yeah. I got in trouble because I made some dumb, I didn't understand the Holocaust at that age and I made some dumb song up to try to make my friends laugh about the biggest whore in a concentration camp called the biggest tramp in the camp and it was like, I can see your ribs through that shirt. Every time the guards walk by, you flirt. She's the biggest tramp in the camp and my parents both

picking me up with like a serious talk about the holocaust they're like we've heard about biggest tramp in the camp and we need to tell you this is not fun like i gotta see how he was that is so fun you know what's hilarious i got in so much trouble with this camp because i remember i was must have been like 11 and i and i would do like a michael jackson impression where i would like grab my dick and i'd be like oh you know be doing the yeah i would be doing that and it would kill when a child even the counselors would be laughing it's a kid doing this shit and i would

I would be doing whatever I could, vulgar jokes. I remember the head counselor pulled me into his office and he was a very serious man. And his name was Paul Schwartz. He was a great guy. He passed away recently. He brought me into his little cabin to scold me. And I was a child. I didn't know what was going on. And he sat me down and goes, it's come to my attention that you think it's funny to

Grab your genitals and squeak like a girl. And I was like, I'm doing Michael Jackson. I don't understand what this guy doesn't get here. Get mad at Michael. And he was like, this is disgusting. You're a disgusting child. Really scolded me. Wow. The best part is years later, he was on Facebook. He would comment on my every post. Phenomenal. Amazing. He became a fan. Huh.

Huh. I won him over. It took me near 20 years, but I got damn it. I did it. Yeah. Well, don't tell him not to watch BET Comic View because it's all Michael Jackson impressions. Look, I was doing hack material when I was 11. Yeah.

yeah it was the 90s do you remember at the time feeling like ashamed when he told you so ashamed terrible thing to take a kid aside i felt horrible i kept doing it but i felt like shit i couldn't stop i had like i had like a nervous director i needed to make people laugh yeah you had you have back in the day when i was younger hey i won class clown i was proud of it yeah you got

Oh, yeah. It was the biggest thing I've ever done. No, that's huge. Huge. You've done bigger stuff. Ah, maybe. But at the time. I got most likely to eat up Mrs. Medina's.

It was only a dream. Mark signs his Netflix special. This is the second biggest thing I've ever done. Well, I was such a nobody in high school, and I even brought a date. We did the announcement at prom, like best dressed, whatever, biggest flirt. And I was like, oh, and my date, it wanted nothing to do with me. And I think she was off with some other guy. And I won that, and I remember she kind of moseyed back over. Whoa. Did you close at the end of the night? No.

No, she went down on the history teacher, but... She was an easy girl, I'll tell you. In high school, she was voted most likely to conceive, all right? Still holds up. Also, I drove a convertible, a 71 Cutlass, and it broke down on the way to the dance, which was also kind of a bummer. My father dropped me off, and I never went to... We didn't have any dances in my next school because I was in basically juvie after that, but... Thank you.

What dropped me off from school, freshman year of high school, I was a big public high school, in our Datsun that my family called the Feinstein barf mobile because my brother had puked in it so many times that it just reeked of barf. None of the doors worked except for the back door, which my dad held open with a broomstick. And we all had to climb through the back door.

Doesn't this say so much about why I'm a comedian? Yeah, yeah. We all had to climb through the back of the Datsun and then open the rest of the doors to get out. So we all had to come through the back. Oh, boy. Somebody would have to get out to get the broomstick out somehow because there was no hinges on the back door. And that's how I was dropped off at school. Ooh. Ooh, that's tough. That'll scar you. Yeah. So I wasn't really cleaning up dick-wise since everyone... Born in the house without a broomstick. Thank you.

Yikes. Oh, boy. Those were tough days. I'm going to regret some things that I said today. No. This is the funny point. We had the high drug. Now maybe we hit a low and we go down. No, this is all up on this episode. Let's go to a caller.

It's your history teacher. I had sex with a teacher in film school, but that's old news. That's a legendary story. Oh, yeah. It was hot. She was probably 47. I was 21, 22. Do you still talk to her? We're still friends. Not friends. How did it go down? How did you guys hook up? It's a long story, and I've told it before, but I'll give you the quickie.

I had lived in Crown Heights. I had no hot water. So I was just kept putting off the showers in the middle of winter. It was too cold. So eventually I smelled horrible. And I was at this film school, like going around going, can I shower your, your apartment, your dorm, whatever you got. And everybody's kind of like, I don't know, maybe I'm busy. And then she got wind of it and she was like, you can shower my house.

And I was like, okay. Oh, my God. But she goes, she was quirky, too. She had, like, weird earrings and polka dot dress and beehive hairdo. Were you attracted to her at that point? A little, but I still would, like, put her off. You really were just in it for the shower. Yeah, I just wanted that shower. I was trying to be, I was a student, you know? This is very pornographic. It was so porny. You're right. It's such a porn plot. Like, who really starts it off? Like, it's an innocent shower. Totally. And all of a sudden, I'm inside of her. 100% innocent. And here's the crazy part.

I go to her house and she's got a dinner, dinner bubbling on the stove, eight plates, eight pots go on. The whole dinner table is like place settings and candles and glasses and bowls and whatever. And I was like, Oh my God, she goes, I'm having a dinner party. They're coming at eight. And when it's like six o'clock now, so just shower and get out. I said, you got it. I don't want to be in your way. I,

I shower. I get out. I got the towel on my head, you know. I love that you wear a towel on your head. I got curlers in, you know. Please somebody draw a picture of Mark. I think that's artwork we all need. So she goes, have a glass of wine. I go, all right, I'll have a glass of wine. Then I'll get out of your hair. And she goes, yeah. Then I had another glass and another glass. And I'm like, wow, it's like 745. I should get out of here. You're going to have a party in 15 minutes. She goes, yeah, I have one more glass. So we get hammered. Wait, how old were you?

22, something like that. No one shows up and we ended up making out and then we had sex all night and then I went back to school the next day. So there was no dinner party? I guess not. But she set this whole thing up. She had food. I ate her food.

Did you ever ask her or follow up on where the people were? The sex was so hot and fiery and passionate that I didn't even think about the food. Did you ever, I mean, here's the two ways to look at it. Either she did that as like a backup in case she didn't want to fuck you. I think that's what it was. Like, oh, to get you out? Or she is that crazy? Or no one showed up and I was like, like her consolation prize? There's no way. I don't know. But she had a lot of food cooking. What do you think? I think that's what it was like.

Really? I think so. There's no way. I think women usually know, right? It's too much to plan. But why would you make all that food?

What kind of food? Did you eat it? I ate it. You're not thinking properly about the amount of food. I mean, like, I'm sure it was just some food. Yeah, like, how much was the actual amount? It was probably, like, two pots of food, like spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, and a side. And she probably thought that she would feed you after you fucked her, and then, but she didn't want to make it seem like she was, like, you know, trying so hard, right? So she was like, oh, I'll cook up some food. Wow. You never asked where is everybody? Yeah. I think I kept saying, like, I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. I don't want to be in the way. Yeah.

But how did she first come on to you? She gave me the glass of wine, and I had one before the shower. And I was 22. I wasn't like a wine guy. Did you already start to think in the shower, like maybe she's attracted to me? I was so, not uncomfortable, but I was so like, oh, she's an adult. I'm a child. This is not a thing. She would never be attracted to me. I'm surprised when I'm my age she's attracted to me. During the first glass of wine, I was like, man, I'm getting like a vibe here. But I kept squashing it in my head. I was like, ah, this is crazy. And I remember being in the shower going like, man.

This is something. She took off all her like polka dot kimonos and all her stuff. Then was she hot? Hot body. She had red hair. She was super sexy. Dirty talk? Oh,

Oh, yeah. She was a filthy, filthy whore. You remember anything she said? I do. Yeah, what'd she say? Well, the first line out of her mouth was, we were standing on her couch. She was showing me paintings around her house. And I was like, oh, this is pretty. And she's like, oh, come up here. And we're standing on her couch. And we're both like, you're me, I'm her. And she's like, this one is from 1941. And we catch eyes. And she goes, I want you to come on my face. And I was like...

Wow. Oh, my stars. Yeah. Oh, my dear. So at that point, I was like, I think I'm in. You came into her face and you came to her class. Yes. What a story. She was a screenwriting teacher. And then afterwards, how did you guys close things out? It's always a tough like. I slept over and I went to school. Whoa. You slept over? Yeah. And she was. Did you guys like cuddle? Oh, yeah. And did you re-fuck everybody?

in the morning. I didn't because the bell rang and I had to get my homework done and catch the bus. This is when the Saved by the Bell theme should play. You were 22. He sang this like he had to get a yellow school bus. Well, we thought it would be at school at 9 or whatever. Yeah, it's the college year, Saved by the Bell. Also, I don't want to get too graphic here. Please. As I get more graphic. As you dip your nose into it like it's a taco.

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What? Oh, my gosh. Menstruating. So it was a crime scene.

But it didn't slow me down. You're like David Caruso. Yes, yes, exactly. I was a blood, not a crypt. This is getting more and more fascinating. Yeah, and so it was a mess. So I went back to school without showering, so I was now a different kind of filthy. But I was fine with it. It's a better stink to walk around with. Yeah. Stink of being a man. Yeah. And my guess is that you told everyone. Oh.

I wrote a school screenplay about it. If I know Mark, it was the morning announcement. Mark stands up with a little speaker. Attention, everyone. She's like, mm-hmm. Well, I did it on Ari's show. This is not happening. Of course. So it's out there. Oh, yeah. There's not much with you that isn't. It was all gravy, all in the up and up. It was a great time. Menstruating. That is...

Hilarious. You know what I hate when guys will brag about going down on a woman when she's bleeding? Do people do that? Do they brag about it? You've never heard a guy do it? Like, I don't give a shit. I'll fucking do it when she's bleeding. I'm like...

Maybe you should give him a little shit. Do they brag about other men? I would think that would be the way they would try to, like, I didn't think that was, like, something that guys brag about together. Do you guys brag about, like, how well you go down on girls? No. Not well, just we're up for anything. Right, right, right. Interesting. I didn't know that was, like, a, yeah. I had a guy once tell me that he was, like, a real oral magician. Like...

He's just a comedian that was like talking about how he is. Keith Robinson. He's like, oh, apparently. Pull the card out of your vagina. Like, eh? Ace of spades? He's got the ribbon. He always brings it up when we're like, hey, yeah. He's like, apparently I do this thing that women like. Eh, who knows? I'm like, well, we were not in any way talking about this. He's like, I guess I have a trick that dazzles every woman in sight. He's an older man. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. I know who he is. It is always funny when someone just volunteers this information, like you're just having dinner, talking about the Knicks game last night. He goes, if anyone needs their pussy eaten, I'm kind of a master at that. I know. Very good at eating vagina. I know. Everyone's talking about Ukraine, and he's like, I guess I have a special trick that makes women cum three times in a row. I don't know how you call it.

Yeah, he always works it into conversation. I just learned about the sucking is the move. Oh, yeah, at the top? Nikki Glaser taught me that. Nikki's talked about sex before? That's crazy.

Nikki's giving me some very important tips. Oh, yeah. I always feel like Sandy from Grease when I'm talking to any of my other... I'm like, I have what down there? Well, I never thought I had a thing in there at all. Wait, there's two parts to it and other ways you can... No, I like... Tell me more, tell me more. Like, did he have a car? The best line that's on this, did she put up a fight? What are you, a rapist? Oh, my God, I forgot about that line. That doesn't age well, does it? Did she put up a fight?

Oh, yeah. She put up a fight. It's rough. Yeah. How did that slither past us all? Yeah, that's not good. Well, the whole Grease Lightning song is pretty wild. Why? I made a cream. Oh, yeah, I'm mean. Or whatever. The whole thing is about jizz and... How about that new commercial with Travolta and they're singing... Oh, that's a fucking half one. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Oh, my God. Pull it up. It's with the guys from Scrubs. It's a rough commercial. He's a homosexual.

Now, I think he's come out. The way you just said it. No, I don't think he did come out. Oh, really? I figured he was out with the massage. Have you seen this commercial? Oh, this is brutal. This is brutal. Oh, my God.

Oh my god. I just fell into like a low-grade depression. This is so irrelevant. How uninspired is this ad room? I know. It's like, let's butcher a fucking classic musical.

Yeah. That one dumb jump in the middle was such a sadness to that little move. And these guys aren't even on TV. The Scrubs was over 20 years ago. This is crazy. Well, they make stuff, I feel like. I guess so.

But I mean, it's just a weird... Oh, if I was Travolta, this would really bum me out. Olivia Newton-John is, you know, she's from the grave. Like, I'm fucking glad I'm dead. She got out easy. Oh my God. But it was also very confusing. Yeah, there's a lot of questions. Underrated hot lady. Not that I wouldn't have done it. Olivia Newton-John. Oh, yeah. Who underrates her? Oh my God. I feel like she doesn't get brought up as a hot... She's not. She was stunning. Stunning. Stunning blonde. What was the music video, Let's Get Physical? Come on. Oh my God.

Yeah. Oh, man. My friend and I used to dance to that when we were little kids all around her. She's kind of got an Alison Brie thing, but blonde. Yeah, there's an innocence to her. That's why it's so exciting when she puts the cigarette out in the end and she wears the black leather outfit. The leather was hot. It taps into the fact that we all want to corrupt a good girl. You got that right. We don't want an already bad girl. We want a good girl to be bad. Yes. You want a nice, clean as a whistle girl that you can turn into a cuddling. That's not her.

Daughter? Oh, that's her daughter. Hachi machi. If I wasn't gay. Holy hell. Hold on. The last scene, she wears this like black leather outfit. Yeah, super hot. She puts out like a cigarette and she's...

She just has the tiniest arm. And I just used to look at that arm and be like, your arms are never going to be like that. Just let it go. You don't have a kind of arm. I remember mentioning that to my brother once, that if I only had this kind of arms. And him saying, I don't know if he was trying to make me feel better. My brother being like, arms aren't a thing. Like, guys don't really talk about the size of a woman's arms. Love a small arm. Love a small dainty wrist. Yeah. I love a clavicle, too. Good clavicle on a lady? That's a good look. Never mind.

What I would do for a good arm. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like look at how, I mean, yeah, she was just stunning. And then she had that little, she would put the cigarette out. And I always thought that was a cool way to quit a job, put a cigarette out and like stomp on it. Like, I'm leaving here. Drive from the USA. That's what I worked in high school. It's not name dropping, but. Yeah.

Yeah, that was like a hot scene when she showed up. It never really works like that, though, does it? When you show up at a party where a guy doesn't think you're going to be. Yeah, they're like, oh, you and you're hot. Right. That's why it's such a badass scene. I know. I remember Keith used to have some girls come in the stand Christmas party and you tell her to go back to the car. And I was like, you think that you're that level of man that you can tell a woman to wait for you in a car? Wow. Nah, nah, go back to

to the car. I told you you can't come in. And I'm like, how long has she been out there? What's the point of that? I don't get that. I guess it's a power move, but I don't understand. I don't know if she was his ride or what. This was pre-stroke, so don't feel sorry. This was way before his stroke. He still does this with his stroke. Yes, he always makes somebody wait in the car. That's like what your dad does when he has a gambling addiction. You snap your fingers, the car zips around, picks you up. It's not even like a good car. It's like a Subaru. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what you do if you have a hot car. Make somebody pull it up. Subarus are pretty nice, actually. I don't do that with a Ford Taurus. I mean, it's all right, but it's not like a snap your fingers and go get my Subaru, bitch. And then get some head in a Subaru. It's not like a story. You couldn't be like, I was getting head in a Subaru. I sucked off a dude in a Subaru.

That's not an empowering story. I fucked her in this grocery getter. No, it doesn't really. I got roadhead in a Toyota Camry. Cloth seats. Have you guys had sex in a lot of strange locations? Sure. Movie theater. Monsters, Inc. Wow. Yeah, Pixar, baby. Monsters stink. Yeah.

That's a... You fucked in the movie theater? Yeah, she got on top. That's a kid's movie. What the hell is wrong with you? Well, I was... She was a kid. No. Yeah, on top watching the movie. We're the only people in the theater. Back row. Just watching Billy Crystal. Mark's like, I fucked in all kinds of weird places. Monsters, Inc., Toy Story 4. Minions. What else? A lot of cars. I don't know. A lot of roofs. Roofs.

I like a controlled environment. Yeah. I don't want to fuck outside either. I don't want to go camping. If you found me in the woods, something's got terribly arrived. No desire to camp. Yeah, outdoors is not hot. Yeah. Especially for New Yorkers.

Yeah, it's not a good look. Mosquitoes is a good point. It's like you wake up and your back is just bitten. Yeah, that's bad. I'm not into camping. No, camping sucks. Jews aren't really known for our bravery, are we? We're not campers. I don't want to wrestle with it. No, we're not campers. I want a hotel room and air conditioning. Agreed.

Also, I feel like we have enough like of crazy. Our lives are crazy enough that we don't need to like set up like a possible risk. You know, we don't need to set up stakes like we are. Lives are kind of annoying and crazy. New York's intense enough. We're good. I don't even like hiking. You know, everybody goes on hikes in L.A. I'm like, fuck hikes. The coyotes and shit. There's always one that like never cared for a hike.

No hike. I'll sit by a pool. I love a pool and I love a beach, but I've always felt guilty for not wanting to hike. Don't care for a hike and don't care for a fucking museum. I always feel sorry for the things inside the museum. There's some cool museums. I'm aggressively bored in every museum. I feel sorry for if there's interesting things, why do I have to see them in a sterile place? They should be in a more fun-loving environment. Oh, that's a good point. I put them in a party or something. Right.

No, I've only pretended to look at things in a museum. And that's a lot of work to go, oh, a naked lady, bowl of fruit, get out of town. What is that? The Renaissance era? Impressionist? Yeah, it's all fake. You too, you're not into museums. Not really, but I went to the Pez Museum and it was awesome.

Because it's Pez. I can get behind it a little bit. There's a whole museum for Pez? Oh, yeah. What's going on? Well, they got all the Pez through the years. It's when they started in the 30s, and there's collectors, and it's fun. There's some cool museums. I mean, there's the one in Madison's really cool, the military one. Oh, yeah. Then there's the Warhol one in Pittsburgh's really cool. Oh, actually, that's cool.

I went to the Johnny Cash Museum. There's a lot of cool museums. Okay, if it's really interesting subject matter maybe or if it's like or if you can go inside of people's houses. I like to go through people's stuff. Like Mark Twain's house or something? If there's one of those museums where there's a room you can go inside or you can see the room the way it was at that time. I like to go through people's drawers so if there's anything that I could like

That's a great idea for a museum. Yes, anything. I remember there was an exhibit that my mom told me about where you could go inside of a house. And I'm like, yeah, can you take stuff? That's all I want. We went to my friend Heather's house and we went through all her mom's stuff. It would be great if you're just robbing houses. I was just like robbing. This is an exhibit. This is someone's home. I don't know. I actually did do that once. I went to my girlfriend's house when we were little kids and she lived on the street. And I wanted her white communion dress.

And I wanted that fucking dress. I wanted a communion. I wanted to be able to eat that little Jesus snack. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I went there with a fucking plan. I hung out there a few hours. We made some fucking small talk. And then she told me that I could borrow her little ukulele toy. And I stuffed that fucking dress in there. And I ran like hell.

down the block and I just, and I put it on and I just kind of looked in the mirror like I'm Christian now. Oh my God. Jesus. Christ loves me very, very much. I'm with you. My friend used to go to church when I would sleep over his house and I wasn't religious so they let me sleep in and I just go through the whole house, you know, jerking off in here, looking at the mom stuff, looking at the dad stuff, drawers open, closet, closet,

He's jerking off to a picture of his mom. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Really? Yeah, yeah. She was a hot Belgian lady. And I had the whole house to myself. I was eating candy. I was jumping on the bed. I was Kevin McAllister. I'm still like that when my husband leaves. It's just like one of those 80s movies where everybody goes away and I'm like, it's time to party now. You slide it on your socks like Tom Cruise. Yeah. I'm doing dances. Whenever I find out he's working a 12-hour shift instead of a 24, I'm like, fuck!

Fuck! Put the Coke in a drawer! Sometimes I go home, I just start jacking off. I'm like, oh, I live alone. I can do this whenever I want. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely feel like...

I don't know. There was something about Christian girl stuff that especially, and I felt like if I, I would have the same thing as a friend of mine and my thing would get foul so quickly. And I used to think like, you know, I just want her, her things. I would hit the same thing even, and it wouldn't work. You can get that bitch's thing and then you're still going to want to be that bitch. You don't want it now because it's yours. Right. I wanted everything. My friend, Kristen pays a cat and she was like a child model. And so she had all her children modeling pictures up. And there was this one picture with a skateboard,

A lot of those kids don't age well, though. Yeah, maybe. JonBenet. JonBenet. She looks horrible these days. Have you seen her? She's a little jacked up. She is. A little bloated. Am I right? I would not hit that. I would not. I would not.

Eyes a little suck it in. No. Pretty bloated. Not my type. No. Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to be that. I wanted that whole kind of, yeah, like that whole look. And then I would just, she had like these like a pair of skates and she would put them on top of her shoulder like this. And it was like this modeling shot that she had. And it was also fantastic.

fake modeling school because you could send your kids to a school if you're rich enough and her dad was like a minor league baseball player or a major league baseball player I mean not minor and I think that you could send your kids to a school and they could pretend to be a model basically at that school and get like modeling style shots but I didn't know all this I thought

She was a model. Right. And yeah, and I just would try to recreate her modeling shots and just put on her clothes. And it was really some weird Silence of the Lambs kind of thing. Did she get creeped out? Like, easy, Rach. You're kind of suffocating me here. I've talked about this on stage, so I don't want to get too into it. But we used to like...

make out with each other and stuff and play like one was the girl and one was the boy. And it was her idea. I got blamed for it, but it was her idea. Oh, you got caught. Of course, the dirty Jews idea to play the humping game. I think a lot of kids played things like that. I did that too. Yeah, I think it's pretty common. But she would talk to me first about Christianity before we would make, that was the part that was a little strange. Like she had a cross and a few Catholic like scriptures and we would go like in our nightlight and we would have this sort of serious Christian conversation. Whoa.

That's heavy. She'd tell you you need to find Jesus and you'd be like, shut up and eat my muff. I mean, Jesus. I do think it's pretty common. Shut up and eat my muff. That's a t-shirt. I feel like kids around that age always do some weird shit. Sure. You're finding yourself. We used to jerk off in the same room, all the guys. Yeah, just kind of far away from each other. Yeah.

You know, an inch. No, but we would do a thing where one time we all finished and I go, I dare you to taste it. And my friend tasted it and we made fun of him for about an hour. That's it?

It wasn't bad, but we watched the Pam and Tommy video and really went to town. Really? Oh, yeah. It's so funny. You would jerk off to anything when you were young. I mean, it didn't take much. No. We were so innocent. I know. Cleavage. You'd come to cleavage. Sure. It's a simpler time. Yeah. Victoria's Secret catalog. Huh? Oh, yeah. Baby oil. Woo. That was a party. Lubriderm. Yeah. Yeah.

Those poor socks. Yeah. They were crunchy. I feel like guys need a time limit on their beating off, too. You need a hard out, because otherwise you'll just do it all day. That's just my guess, but I feel like it's kind of like a play date. It needs a beginning and an end time. Yeah, it's like screen time. If you let a guy do it all day. They go hand in hand. You're talking to your penis. You're like, you better hurry up. I have a hard out in 20. Right, right. Yeah, because the road is not good for that thing with comics. No. Oh, my God. I feel like you just lay straight and just...

And now you got a phone with porn on it. It's over. That's the good thing about the tour bus is I jack off so much less. Oh, yeah. And you got to be quick. Can we play some soft piano music? I'm like, Gary, turn around. I'm rubbing one out. Oh, you got the cot or what do you got? The bunk. But I haven't.

come on i haven't no i did the bunk really oh yeah yeah you told me this what that why why you know duty calls you're gonna listen to burt kreischer screaming you're just like shut up i had i had one headphone in but you see i'm shirtless enough you're like all right listening to sagura in the other headphone yeah yeah you know how about when you're home visiting your family

Depends on how many days. Yeah. Can only make it so long. Damn. Do you go home a lot? I would do anything to just watch Mark at home. Just one day to try to get to the bottom of Mark and just to really figure this out. It's very quiet. My parents like a dark house. They read a lot. Yes. They ask horrible questions. They don't care about the answer.

It's like a museum. There's a lot of weird art. So it's very pleasant, kind of like a philosophy in pleasantries? I wouldn't say pleasant, but pleasantries, yeah. But it's very serious in my home. Yes. And very quiet.

Yes, I've had dinners with people like that where I'm like, see, at our dinners, we have these very, there's no lulls at our dinners. Oh, I'm all lull. I would kill for no lull. I'm sitting there, I got my lady, and it's fun to expose her to it. Because she's like, this is fucking weird. I'm like, yes, yes, thank you. So they don't start a new topic? No, no, it's just a lot of ee, ee, ee, ee.

Yeah, because I was dating a guy once and I felt like whenever we went to his family's house, it was like it was like nobody really wanted to talk at dinner. Like there was just these long silences in between things. And then I would try to say interesting shit to like shake it up. Yeah, I tried to do that. I'd be like, oh, yeah, like I just played Dan Frank in a row. Like, yeah, attention. And they were like, no follow up questions about that. Like never the table. Like, I think Epstein's innocent. Yeah, you throw anything out there just to get a bite.

Yeah. See, in my mind, when you get together over dinner or something, like my instinct is to want to connect. So I, whenever I go out with people like that, I always have to like make a pact with myself. Like don't overshare. You don't need to tell them everything that's ever happening to you, happened to you in order to try to connect to them. And it also doesn't work because how do you say that crazy ass shit that you did not need to tell this person who's not particularly intrigued by you in the first place. You don't need to be like, I guess I finally forgave my father. You're like, you know, they don't want to know. Then it's just another lol after.

Yes, and it's a weirder low. It's an awkward low. Well, it's nothing harder than when you're sitting down with someone who gives nothing in conversation, when they just give you like two-word answers. That's my mom. How's work? It's going well.

That's it? I know. Elaborate, will you? I'm dying here. Share something. Tell me something. But what my mom will do is throw out the saddest thing on the planet. Like, she'll be like, it'll be quiet for eight minutes, and she's like, you know, Reginald died. And you're like, ah, is that right? Reginald died. How'd he die? Mmm, cancer. He was battling it for a while.

That's all my mom talks about. And we're back. Yeah. I have a joke about it. We call it pain chambering because we always get caught in this pain chamber because she wants to tell us dark stories about people we don't know. Yes. And the weird thing is, Pete, she can't pain chamber my husband because he's like a repressed Catholic fireman. I'm like, you're not going to pain chamber him. It's impossible. Like his whole life is about not confronting or dealing with anything emotional. And she has like one leg up and just really sasses out and tries to tell him dark information. And she'll be like,

Guess who has COVID-19? No one says the 19. No one. No one says the 19. And she doesn't want you to say that something could be okay. She doesn't care for that. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I'm sure he'll be fine. I don't think so. Exactly. He's immunocompromised. She's like, yeah, she loves the term immunocompromised.

Oh, yeah. My mom's the same way. They love immunocompromised. What is that? Like he can't get well? She's like saying that he's got some problem with his immune system. I see. That's hilarious. It's just suggesting that things won't be okay. There's a gloominess that appeals to them, I think. Yeah, like I was fast asleep once in high school. Completely fast asleep. I just heard the door creak and my mom was like, sweetheart, sweetheart.

And I'm like, yeah, what? And she goes, that lovely lady, the one you watch in the show, in the soap opera, she's died and killed her. Like, she couldn't wait till I woke up to tell me that. Like, she was so excited that at five in the morning, she's like, the perky blonde one is dead.

Had to tell me. Have you ever heard Damien Lemon's joke about this? It's such a great joke about people who love telling you people died. No. They get off on it. The friend, it was when Michael Jackson died. He goes, yo, yo, Michael Jackson's dead. And they're like, what? He goes, you heard it here first. Click. Click.

that's funny they want to give you the scoop yeah the people that have like a whole album on their phone of just them and every person that might die soon right or then you get the people that are even better the other people you ever get the friend who tells you like a week later like a week after James Gandolfini died he's like dude Tony Soprano's dead I'm like we heard yeah are you kidding me

Where you getting your news? The fucking Week Lake Gazette? Right, right. Gary Veeder does it all the time. And I don't know if it's because he has kids or he just lays his stuff. He'll send me like a sports highlight from like five days ago. I'm like, yeah, that one made the rounds, dude. Yeah, that's not a thing. Everyone's seen that one. Yeah, yeah. My mom came to stay with me once. I was doing this college. And we were going to like have like a girl's mom and daughter night. We're about to go to sleep.

And I could tell she wants to tell me something dark. She wants to tell me something fucking dark and upsetting. But we got through the night. I'm like, we did pretty well. I'm like, we're laying there in darkness. My mom goes, sweetheart, do you remember my friend Daphne? I'm like, that's not even a name. No one's name is Daphne. She's like, well, honey.

She's bipolar. I'm like, she couldn't wait. She couldn't fucking wait. Like, she just had to tell me, like, some personal, and just no need. And I'm like, I'm sorry to hear that, Mom. She's like, well, she's acting out sexually. I'm like, why are we? They're like TMZ for bad shit, you know? Yes. They love it. Boom, boom. She's got herpes. And I just started laughing, and I'm like, no way. She drove our, like, Hebrew school carpool. I had no idea she was, like, a godless whore in my mom.

I was like, honey, it's not funny, sweetheart. It's part of the disorder. And she acts out and we're afraid she's going to get an STD. I'm like, so you're telling me that Daphne is like just never met a dick she doesn't like. Right. You want me not to crack one joke? And then she gets mad and then she goes into the wounded kind of. Yeah. Like we can't talk about this. And I'm like, well, I've got press at seven. Yeah.

Well, you heard it here first, guys. The name's Daphne. It's a very particular name. There's probably only a couple. Look up Instagram. She's never met a dick she doesn't like. Give it a search. There you go. And it was like very much. My mom also bring up old stuff that already happened. That's true.

I think she runs out of new shit, you know? Like one of my friend's dad killed himself when we were in high school. And then so somebody will die and she'll be like, and then you remember Scott's dad killed himself. Yes, they like to repeat. We know that. What do we say? Yeah, you're right.

Way to bring it back. Yeah, you're only supposed to do that with funny shit. Yeah. You don't watch reruns of fucking tragedies. I know. Well, where do you go from here? What do we say? One of my mom's favorite stories is about somebody who went on air balloon and it didn't, like that balloon popped or something. Oh boy. It just fell back down. And I'm like, that's not even a good story. Forget the fatality part. It's not even a good tale. Not much happens in it.

Yeah. She loves to round back to that hot air balloon whenever she can't. She gets very jazzed up about that. And then you start wondering when bad shit happens. Are they like, yes, I have some material. I got some new shit now. They don't celebrate, but a part of them inside gets excited. I think so. It's like a little dopamine rush. Not to say that we're not like that a little bit, but we're in it for the jokes at least. Yeah. And our gossip's a little lighter, you know? It's like, Ari Shafir got punched in the face. We're like, ooh, that's something. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And it's a fun little Knives Out mystery. It could be anyone. Yeah, probably. It could be anybody. Cut that.

Oh, there you go. Take a swig. So when are you filming your next special, Rachel? Do you know yet or not yet? No, I'm waiting for... Your new hour is fucking great. Oh, boy. I heard Webb might be doing it. It's really, really great. Thank you. I can't wait for people to see it. Oh, well, thanks, you guys. I think it's your best stuff. Oh, boy. Thank you. You just told me that women shouldn't do comedy. I know, and that's how funny I think it is. I think you should be allowed to do this special. I think others shouldn't be allowed to, but I think...

What you're doing is really good. So you didn't mean it when you said that I should stay in bed with the covers over my face? I think after this special you should, but for this one you should release it because it's really good. There you go. No, thank you, Sammy. Sammy Murrell. Hey. Hey, Cliff. To a new beginning. There we go. To women in comedy. Hey. To a new beginning. So where are you shooting it? No, I'm actually, when I look at my phone, it's because I'm trying to remember that.

The things that my pet peeves. Oh, okay. We'll take some peeves. I'll give you some. Do you have one? I texted myself a few. No, no, no, no. You can do Sam's first because I texted myself a few and that's what I was looking at just so you know. Oh, I got one. I don't know if we've done this one on this before, but...

annoying Wi-Fi passwords. Oh, good one. Like, I'll be in a green room and I'll be like, what's the password? They're like, it's Olive, but instead of O, it's a zero. And instead of I, it's an exclamation point. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. And the V is capital and there's a number at the end. And then it's Olive at, but it's A-

as in you know with the circle but then the letter T and I'm like none of this makes fucking sense and it better not come with a story either but I'm like my dog did this one thing when we were on vacation fuck off yeah right check my email bitch yeah and I get wrapped into a dog story it stinks yeah so that's that's a peeve I had oh another one I had someone say something shitty to me and I and I was like I kind of said oh that wasn't uh cool and he goes well I didn't mean to bum you out and I was like

No, you say I said a shitty thing. Don't put it on me. No, no, that I hate. That's gaslighting. Another good one. When they say something shitty, you say I didn't care for that. And then they go, didn't mean to bum you. No, you said something shitty is what you did. And you probably did, in fact, mean to bum me. You just didn't mean for me to call you on it. Yeah.

Good point. Yeah, damn. Boy, years of therapy right here. Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice. Oh, my God. I'll tell you too much, the Gestapo's going to come in here. Keith started singing that right after, like, there was, like, a bunch of anti-Semitic things that happened in a row, like Kanye and then every time Keith would see me, he would just be like, the Jews will not replace. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's fun. That's a funny thing to say out loud as a joke. Well, that's what it goes to show you that it's just, it's like you need your fucking friends to say the dumb shit. Yeah. You need, Keith is so good at ball, but we were just talking about it with Jim Norton, how Keith is so fucking good at making fun of people. Yes.

Yeah. And I feel like Keith is like, he'll say something that would never even have occurred to you. Like he is, he infuriates me and I don't like to promote him in any way. No, but he is one of the funniest people I've ever met. He's hilarious. And he told me that whenever his mother, that his mom would always get annoyed with him with his dumb questions and he'd have dumb questions as a kid. And he said whenever he would come up to his mom, this always stuck in my head, that whenever he would come up to his mom with a question she didn't care for, she'd be like, boy, you make my butt itch.

Wow. You'd be like, with your questions, you're making my butt itch. These are dumb questions. There was like a time where it's like now we're so hyper-focused on kids. Like anything my daughter like says, I'm like, let me stop and like honor this and hold it up in the light and make sure she feels heard and seen. And it used to be like, like my friend Dave Juska, like he said he would watch a whole movie with his dad and before he watched the movie, the dad would say to him, don't you dare ask me one fucking question in this movie. Like now

I wait for my daughter's questions like oh what's she gonna be right and he said apparently he was watching some mash movie it's so evil that it's hilarious he was watching some movie about mash or some I don't know I guess there was a film a mash film there was a film with Elliot Gould yeah so he was watching that what is it called by the way mash okay the TV show is based on the movie yeah so he was oh I didn't know

Yeah, yeah. Elliot Gould, badass Jew. Yeah, you're teaching us a lot of things today. Great movie. Can we get Elliot Gould on here? I like movies. This is Elliot Gould of social media. Get Elliot Gould on We Might Be Drunk. Who? No, Elliot Gould. Oh, dude.

Who's that? It's a singer. Oh. Elliot Gould. She thought I was saying Ellie Goulding. That's hilarious. It was in the movie MASH. It is a similar name. That was a fair guess. That was a fair guess. Elliot Gould. Yes. He was in MASH? Yeah. He's the sexy guy. He's a cool guy. Yes. Yes. He's appealing. Yeah. So apparently he was watching the MASH movie and he was told just one thing. I just think it's so funny what like assholes men were allowed to be at that time. Oh yeah. Can you imagine just not wanting to hear one innocent question from your child? What kind of a

absurd asshole do you have to be and then he just said apparently there was some part of the movie where they were using nets in some way and he goes dad like he just wanted to know what they use the nets for and he's like dad what do they use those nets he's like God God God and he just like threw him across the room he's like but the nets what are those you ah fuck fuck I told you my dad would do a thing where if I was bothering him during TV I'd be like dad it's cool and he would go

And point to the TV like, focus on that and leave me alone. And I was like, okay, point taken. My dad would never, whenever we'd watch a movie as a family, he would never be awake. Oh, really? This is if every movie we'd watch, two minutes in, he'd be like, oh, cool. And then we'd just look over and be like this.

That was like a guy of a different era type thing. Dads now have more energy, but my dad just was a workaholic. My grandpa was that way too. He'd be like, let's watch the Yankees game. I'd be sitting on his lap, two innings in, I'd look up, he'd just be like this.

His mouth open sleeping. My dad also aggressively naps everywhere. But I don't remember working hard. I never nap. I feel like he's always just like, yeah, refreshing himself from nothing at all. My dad couldn't sleep. He was always like, I can't get comfortable. And he would like jitter and move around all day and like move pillows. He's like, God, I can't relax. I just can't relax. Would he talk about it? Like he would never, would he talk about his anxiety? That's interesting. Not really, but he would just always be fidgeting and like laying on the floor. He's like, give me another pillow. I just can't relax. Wait, what do you mean?

Why would the family be involved? It wasn't sleeping. Like he would just try to like get a pillow on the floor and watch the, watch the movie with us. My dad is the most particular sleeper on the planet, but then you, you know, but he would fall asleep anywhere, but then you see his bed. He's got like a reflux pillow. I'm the same way. I have like, I have like, I had a woman sleep over. She's like, you have like 12 pillows. And I'm like, and he's like, and none of them were like decorative. They're all like actual pillows. Oh really? Yeah. I have a lot of like, uh,

Just different medical things. There's a sinus infection pillow. Like K-Pac latex, that type of thing. Oh, yeah. I love them. I love those good pillows. A lot of respiratory pillows. That's always a good thing. I got that sweet hospital bed. Oh, yeah, that's true. You got the nice retractable. I turn myself into a little taco. You get the legs up. Oh, it's great. My dad slept bottomless. That was a treat to walk in on. Yeah, my dad also was often without pants or underwear. One time he told me and my friends to be quiet at a sleepover. Fuck ass.

naked. No. Howie Feinstein. Just imagine. That's not good. They said, oh, you girls suck this dick. That's a crime. He was like, be quiet. He was just like dumb and spastic and wasn't aware. Sure, sure. He went down the hallway and was like, ah, be quiet. But it was just like horrifying. Sarah Stern never came over again. Ah,

That was Sarah Stern's last sleepover, which is what my memoir is going to be called. No, but that was a rough night. Such a Jewish name. I know. Howie Feinstein. Oh, Sarah Stern, I was going to say. Oh, Sarah Stern, too. Yeah, it's not. How was the dad sneezing? My dad would sneeze. My dad's sneezing was archaic. It was insane. Why is this noise necessary? It's ludicrous. Achoo! Yes, every time. Achoo! Or when the San Francisco Giants lost, my dad was like, ah!

Why? Could it mean any less to you? Like, if the fucking San Francisco Giants, who could give a fuck? I know. Even if you're a sports fan, get upset. But this, like, a sound that you could never have even invented. If you'd been mixing sounds like a perfume in a laboratory. Yeah, it's like an elephant and a T-Rex combined. Yeah. I agree. I think putting it all on the San Francisco Giants is stupid. The Knicks, on the other hand, if they don't win. The Knicks are doing pretty fucking well.

The Knicks are fucking rolling. Who knows when this comes out, so we don't know if they'll still be doing well. But right now, they're fucking killing it. There you go. But my brothers are always... And we met Jalen Brunson at that game. We met Jalen Brunson, and my brothers are freaking the fuck out. So we see Jalen Brunson at the game. It was at a Rangers game. With the Rangers game. And he was like wearing... Wasn't he wearing a Rangers jersey? It was me, Liz, the manager of the cellar, Gary Veeder, and...

And I see Jalen Brunson, a Rangers jersey, and the Knicks PR guy is there, and he's like, I think Brunson's coming. And he's like, just so you want to keep your eyes open. I'm like, yes, I'll keep my fucking eyes open for point guard Jalen Brunson. So I'm obsessed with Brunson. So we see him. We're in this little room with him, and I'm like, I'm going to go up to him. And Liz is giving me shit. She's like, I've never seen you look less cool in real life.

I'm like blowing it. I'm like, thank you so much for coming to the Knicks. Like you're making such a difference at point guard. And Liz runs over and sees me fumbling it. And she goes, he's a comedian with a Netflix special. And he's like, oh, cool. He's like, I need something new to watch. Oh, that's cool that she had your back, kind of. I was like, Sam was so cute. He walked up like shake. It was like a kid saying thank you for coming at his birthday party. I'm like, what was that? He's like, so anyway.

Thank you for having me. I'm like, wait, this is Jalen Brunson. Like, yeah, he was just like, I love him. It was so cute. Like he looked like he was falling in slow love. He's just turned the Knicks around. He was fucking lovely at the game. Was he nice? He was wearing his jersey. One of the nicest guys. His sweetest expression, big fan. He just sat there and softly tolerated Sam's like, you know, anxiety, whatever, convulsing,

I was grateful. I'm like, dude, you turned the team around. I love you. Yeah. Yeah, and then he kind of softly face-raped him. And then I kissed him on the cheek and I was like, I love you. I want you inside me. And he was like, security! The hard part is how do you get out

of those you go like okay no yeah i took a picture with him and then oh you got a photo all right that's huge i did too for no reason but because i'd learned that he was the person i should take a photo with so i was just like some dumb twat you know right and then and her brothers were bugging out because they're jews who love basketball like me yeah like jews love we love basketball it's everything that we're not so my jewish brothers and i send them but also a lot of jews grew up in urban environments so i think like if you grew up in a city environment right

But baseball too. Jews love baseball, it seems. I think basketball even more so, though. I think Jewish dads and dads of our generation, like our dads, love baseball and get weirdly emotional over baseball. So yes, they love baseball too and sports. But there's a thing with Jews and the NBA. Like my brothers, it's like everything they're not. Like, you know, these like nebbishy Jewish social worker. And it's like everything is never... There was never...

thing that he could have crunched the numbers in his own head and been like, I could have ever been a part of this. Yes. So it's so far away from us that they're completely obsessed. And they get so jealous of me because Sam takes me to these games. They all love Sam too. But I just text them a picture of me and Jalen Brunson. My brother was like, what?

Fuck you. There's no way you appreciate this moment. Like they were so angry. Like you don't even understand what just happened to you. Yeah. Like they were like. Mad fun. My brother was like, that was devastating for me. He was like, that was the last straw of your life. And I'm like, Jalen Brunson. I'll be honest. If I saw you post that and I wasn't there, I'd be like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. It was, we saw the Rangers beat the Penguins.

The Rangers have been fucking hot, too. The New York great New York sports is it's back, baby. There you go. What about the Mets? I think I posted it on my stories. Slow start, but they'll get there. They lost their closure for the year. You know, no, there's something about New York sports. I put it on my story with Jalen Brunson. I just put like Jalen Brunson on my dick. And I think somebody was like, yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't leave that up. And I was like, that's fair. That was me. I was like, he's married. You shouldn't post that.

Get off my dick, Jalen Brunson. I am such a moron. Why would I have needed to be told to not post that? That's not bad. You don't have a dick. It's jokes. Yeah, that's what I thought. No, it's not really bad. But he was very, yeah, he was very like cool. Cool as shit. Yeah. And it was a fun. I will say, like, I don't know a thing about hockey. I'm very, you know, just generally attracted to every guy that plays hockey. But couldn't be less intrigued.

By the game. Oh, really? Even live? But, no. Changed my mind. I mean, I just didn't care. I like that kind of guy. I like sort of a thick-necked sort of guy. Yeah. It's a weird combo of kind of graceful but also a badass because you have to be graceful to escape and then you also have to kind of fight. Yeah. I went to a game recently. I went to a game against the damn who? They were playing Tampa Bay. There were like six fights. Hockey's so funny because...

The Rangers were up. They were killing them. It was 6-3, I think. And everyone's like, the cheap shot's coming. The cheap shot basically means a dude's just going to sucker punch your team. Oh, yeah. At the end of the day, it's insane. That's just a sport where they're like, oh, we're winning, but there's going to be another fight because this team loses. It's like everything you teach kids not to do. Right.

There's literally a box where you put guys in for fighting. Yeah. That's part of the game. This is fascinating to me. So hockey, I'm just learning about this. So hockey, they fight every game. There's like a fighting time. Pretty much, yeah. It depends. It's fucking fascinating. It depends. But yeah, there's still fights. But there's usually just like an arranged fight, like let them fight, like animals.

Like true beasts. I think some guys on the team are goons and they're kind of like, I'm probably going to have to fight this dude tonight. But sometimes I think it happens organically. Like a dude hits you hard and you have to defend yourself. Yeah. But don't they have like a fighting section of a hockey game? Am I getting this wrong? No, no. There's a penalty box. There's a penalty box. If you're punished for fighting, you get to go. I sound like such a dumb hole right now. No, no. But isn't there a place that they put? There's a party and you fight inside of it. Hockey's fucking fun. But I will say this.

Fucking didn't know shit about hockey. But I was like, that was so much fun, that Rangers game. It's like a fun hangout. Oh, it's the best. Yeah, it might be that. It helps when you get loaded at these things. You got to have a couple beers, yeah. And you get into it. You start cheering on. It is a fun hang. Punch the glass.

I better not, but thank you. And the Rangers won, right? I'm good. Thank you. And they won by a couple points. Yeah, they won. They played like a really good game. It's a fun hang. I had a lot of fun. It's a fun time. I would love to go see hockey again. You're not a big sports guy, right? I like live. You like live? I love live. Live is fun. Live is the best. Baseball, basketball, hockey, you name it. The game I was at last week, uh,

F. Murray Abraham was there, the actor. Whoa! You know, who's been in fucking every movie. Amadeus. Yeah, White Lotus. Yeah, he's in a, he and his whole family are in Rangers jerseys, which I was like, this is adorable. They put the camera on him. I'm like, I wonder what kind of ovation F. Murray gets at a hockey game. Yeah. I know he's a big actor, but I wonder, dude, the place explodes. And not only they put the camera on him, he's ready for it. He's standing in his seat doing this to his jersey. Wow!

I was like, fucking F. Murray Abraham. This guy rules. Wow, because he seems so intellectual. It doesn't seem like he'd be a hockey guy. Well, it's a great sport. No, I'm just saying, it doesn't seem like he'd be like a Jersey, hey, look at this thing. I know. Fuck the other team. I love their dicks. It is fascinating that also that level of like diehard thing. Oh, yeah. Like Sam, like we went to the Writers Guild Award with Schumer's show and-

Spike Lee was getting a Lifetime Achievement Award and he stops in the middle of his acceptance speech to ask for the score of the next. Oh, that's pretty cool. And then says, fuck Boston. Hey, that's pretty great. He's like, and you know what? Fuck Boston.

He's like, my wife, who's been there all up, but if I could just pause. I was like, that's so fascinating to have that level of like. Well, I went to a Knicks game once, and it's just this row of killers. It was Andrew Yang, Spike Lee, Jon Stewart, and then Timothy Chalamet. Front row. I was like, this is amazing. Andrew Yang. Maybe we remove him and get another. I don't like Yang. Yeah, we were talking like fucking Spike Lee, Jon Stewart. Why not?

Shouldn't have led with Yang. Who was there? Pete Buttigieg? Leonardo DiCaprio? Hunter Biden? He had a laptop open. Hunter Biden had his laptop open.

that would be a hilarious uh courtside i know hunter biden's here tonight anywhere now like no he must be papped every time he's at starbucks like no no i need this hunter biden he's a dude at starbucks will you watch my laptop for a second no i won't no i will not i will not watch your laptop that's a bit that's hilarious yeah but definitely um do you have any any peeves

You know, one thing that bugs me is, you know, when somebody tells you something, frames it as if it's kind of like a neither here nor there thing, but it's like, you're taking a dig. So, like, I was visiting my girlfriend and she was like...

and um i asked her for some advil and she's like that's your thing right you're like a medicine taker no interesting you're such a medicine taker i'm like what do you mean wait how do we just how did this just happen yeah how did you zing me is one of those people they're like she like will break a pill apart in like four pieces you know what i mean like she's so nervous i'm like whatever it is fucking yeah my dog i'd ask no questions i'm like two how about four yeah yeah right like i mean it's advil you know like whatever she's like oh by the

no, that's just your thing. Pill taker. Feeling better. You're just, wow. You're like a bitch. That's who you are. No, I rob it. It's your thing. You're like, you know, you're kind of like a, you know, a weird twat. Right. You have fun with that and your friendships are based on that. Right, right. Interesting. Wow. It's amazing. People can find any way to insult, you know? Yeah. And I think that she probably just has anxiety about taking medication or something, but I don't,

Yeah, I don't have anxiety about stuff like that. No. Yeah. I don't care about, like, yeah, an Advil, whatever. Who gives a shit? Yeah, that annoys me. Also, when somebody tries to take back their apology, yeah. So my husband is really pretty. He's, like, well-known for that. Oh, yeah? Give me an example. He'll, like, lose it. Like, you know, I mean, you know, he's a...

He'll like get mad about some dumb ass shit. You know what I mean? Like we were, my daughter had a play date that was like on our way over. My husband was like, just like screaming right before they like come in. Can you maybe not like punch a wall like right before we have a kid coming over? Yeah, right. You know? And then later I'd be like, can we just loop back around to that moment where you like lost your shit? Yeah. The thing is, I'm not anal. You could have like some fucking twat wife that wanted everything to be like this and like this and like this.

I'm not particularly hyper organized, but when somebody's coming over I'm like Oh We should probably like clean for a few minutes so people come back from the firehouse after being gone for like a 24-hour shift So it's like 24 hours have been on my own with a toddler and I'm like hey We should organize stuff this girl's on her way over with her parents Oh and Pete will pick up a good there's like a guitar on the floor He picks it up and starts playing it like I'm like don't take this moment to explore guitar like fuck off

Yeah, we're clean away. You know, but I didn't even say that I was just like can we probably? Right yes, also he is probably the more organized one out of the two of us like you yell at me about cleaning So just clean with me. Yeah, yeah, right explodes. Oh

Just like irrational yelling. He's good at that. And a minute later being like, I feel better now. I'm like, yeah, I bet you do. Yeah, right. I bet you do. So then we have like a play date. And then afterwards, I kind of loop back around to it. He's like, yeah, I guess I shouldn't have done that. And then he always goes, no need to worry. I'm like, that's not...

apology no need to worry it's not also nothing doesn't fall into the column of worrying I'm saying that you were a wild like ridiculous asshole unnecessary dick I don't think you need to put that in the column of like something that I'm concerned about right right like like COVID when nobody needs to be as worried about it yeah no need

to worry but you won't catch it I'm sure you got your flu shot I'm like no you were a dick can you just say you're sorry right so his sorry is I'm always he says I'm sorry hey no need to worry you feel better now right I'm like yeah I do but can you not do that yeah yeah and then later but he'll give me like a the exact apology that I want I have to like write it to him and like pass it over to him so he just signs his name at the bottom yeah

Yeah. He apologizes like the way like a kid writes in a yearbook. He's like, it all started, but things got out of hand. Yeah. Great summer. No need to worry. I'll see you next year. I'm like, no, none of that. Fresh player. Fresh class cloud.

Yeah, so it's kind of like that. And then I'll sort of like softly take it away again. I get it. I'm like, if you're going to apologize, apologize. Yes. And then don't loop back around. One time he was like, you know, sometimes I feel pressured into apologizing. I'm like, you can't be an inexplicable asshole. Say you're sorry and then be like, I felt a little forced to have empathy. I'm like, no, no, that's what would be called upon. Yes, exactly. I get you.

I was a little too energized about my peeve. Mine is similar. That's a good one. Mine is similar. It's the guy who says, don't worry about it too much. You know when you have a genuine question and he's like, don't worry about it. But I need to know. Like I did a club and I brought merch.

And I was like, where should I set this up? He's like, don't worry about it. We'll get it going for you. And I'm like, yeah, but where do I go when I get off? I need to know where the merch is because I got to sell it. And he's like, don't worry about it. Relax. Sit down. Sit down. And I'm like, well, just answer the question. He's like, easy, buddy. Easy.

He's like an Italian guy. He's like, easy, big fella. Get yourself some pasta, a glass of wine. It'll be fine. I'm like, I need to know where to go. Yeah, where do you actually go? Yeah, so now he's making me feel like some kind of neurotic weirdo. I'm like, I just need to get an answer and I'll get out of your hair. And he's like, yeah, have a beer. Chill out. This guy's a doctor. You're like, is this tumor growing? He's like, I got you. He's like, don't. You're in your head, Abel.

You got to relax. You got to learn to relax. Settle down. I've been treated like that so much in my life. It drives me crazy. No, I just need some actual answers. Yes, yes. Do I take a right or a left of the stop sign? Don't worry about it. All right, I'll just park here and Google it. And that really just translates to I'm lazy. Yes. And I don't want to think about this right now. That's it. So instead, I will talk to you like you're crazy. Right, right. It's the same with a- I'll talk to you like you're crazy. We'll figure it out. Hey, what time should Rachel come by? We'll figure it out.

No, you're just lazy. You don't want to think about it for a second. It's so dismissive of your feelings. It's very dismissive, yes. Yes, we need to just arrange something. We're trying to make an arrangement. Right. That's infuriating. Infuriating. And that happens to me quite a lot, yeah. It's basically like, calm down. Yeah, yeah, relax.

Calm down. Don't get your panties in a bunch now. You don't have to set up something on a table. It's almost like just being like, shut up. That's what it is. Shut the fuck up. That's what he's really saying. Shut up about this. It's not something my mind wants to think about. Calm down is so, oh my God. Calm down is tough. That's a bad one.

That is nothing. There's nothing that you want to do less than calm down. I know. He says that to you. And now you're worked up, ironically. Yeah. Yes, exactly. How about you, Sammy? Oh, no, I told you the guy in the Wi-Fi. I'm like, and now I'll be the host for a minute. I got one more wreck, though. I don't know if I did it because I wrecked the De Palma one recently. I've been watching a lot of movies. I got cable again, so I just was watching it.

The Untouchables on TV. Oh, that's a great opening scene. It's amazing. Oh, my God. So many for this fucking shootout scene. Yeah. That's two De Palmas, by the way. I know. I know. I don't think I've ever seen The Untouchables. It's pretty cool. Yeah. It's Kevin Costner, Sean Connery, Danny Garcia, De Niro's Capone. And it's not one of those movies where men are looking at maps a lot. I don't like movies.

No map. Any movie where there's like four men, they're like huddled around a spread out map. I'm like, no, please.

It's just a bad ass movie. Okay. It's just like, it's like a fun movie. It's about prohibition. Oh, I would love this because I love Peaky Blinders. There you go. So this is like up my alley. I like a fight. I like it when they fight, just not when they look at like directions too much. So you don't like a submarine movie or something? No, I hate a submarine movie. Some of my most archaically bored moments as a child was like when I was watching men watch maps. Sure, I get that. Who would think that would be a good scene? Men arguing about coordinates? Just give me the damn coordinates. Ah!

It stinks. Men love maps. They do love maps. Because there's answers on the map. Rachel, I've got another rec for you. It's called U-571. It's a submarine film. It's lovely. Have you seen McHale's Navy? Oh, God. If you're in the mood for a comedy, Down Periscope is a great one.

No, I want things to go down. Down, parents go, wait, what is that? That's a horrible submarine movie that no one liked. When I was a kid and we were, it was actually a camp story. We were allowed one movie per summer. And I remember everyone wanted to see U571. And I was like, for the love of God, don't make me see this fucking movie. We get one movie a summer. I love movies. And I saw Mr. Deeds was playing the Sandler movie. So I literally went up to the head.

the counselor who was in charge and I was like, will you do me a favor? And he goes, well, he goes, just lie to everyone and tell them that you saw Mr. Deeds and it's the best movie you've ever seen. And he did. He said to everyone, we're driving back from a thing. He goes, guys, I just saw the new Sandler movie, Mr. Deeds.

best movie I've ever seen and they were like really like incredible so everyone changed their vote to Mr. Deeds and we fucking got to see it you did those kids a favor yeah young entrepreneur yeah we saw Mr. Deeds and I fucking and I fucking uh yeah it was and then you blew him

And then he got on his hands and knees to make sure the deal was locked in. How about this? You say this, I suck you off. He's like, you called it a blowjob and he punched me in the face. It's crazy. Well, my Rick this week is Hunt for Red October.

But I did watch 12 Angry Men. Have you guys seen it? Great movie. Amazing. Never seen it. Yes, that's an amazing movie. Amazing. What's in that actor, Martin Balsam, who's in fucking everything. He's in everything. He's great. Not only an incredible movie, but- Still holds up, by the way. The Schumer sketch they did to parody it. Oh, yeah. The Schumer sketch. Oh, my God. I saw that before I saw the movie. 12 Angry Men. Amy Schumer won a bunch of awards. Absolutely incredible. Yeah.

Paul Giamatti's in it and shit. Yeah, Nick DiPaolo. Yeah, and Nick DiPaolo was incredible. He can act. He's an amazing actor. Yeah. That's a great fucking movie. What made you watch that? I texted Salicu, our pal, and I just go, give me an old movie. I need to watch the movie tonight. And he goes, 12 Angry Men. I was like, eh. And I looked it up. It's black and white. It's 1957. I was like, eh, I don't know about this. And I just...

powered through and I was hooked within 10 minutes. No, it's incredible and it's like those, it's a play so it's like those old plays with killer dialogue you're just like oh, there's not a wasted word. No. I just made a woman watch It's a good point. Out of the Past. Oh, noir. Which is like

Maybe my favorite noir ever is Robert Mitchum. It's fucking insane. Kirk Douglas is in it. Jane Greer. Is it late 40s? Oh, dude. Every fucking line rules in that movie. Just a killer script. Like, you know, there's a line where he's like, she goes, I don't want to die. And he goes, me neither, baby. But if I got to go, I'm going last. Yeah.

Just like cool as fuck Mitchum. That's great. Bad to the bone. I love these films also because there's always like a man comes home because he gets to go out and like do things and a woman just sits there like re-combing her already pumped hair. She just sits there like profoundly bored just crunching on any pill she can find in the house.

And drinking. He puts a gun on the table. Just like a guttural alcoholic. Oh, yeah. And then she's like, I can't remember what the film was. Please help me if you see this and know because I often need people to finish my own stories because I don't know what I'm talking about. She's dressed to the nines always. She's got like a ball gown on. Yeah. Yes, and she's always just sitting there, you know, and he gets to actually have a life and she's just, yeah, chewing on different medications. And you're like...

And then he slaps the shit out of her when he gets home. He's like, you're hysterical. And that's her life. We've got to get you to the lobotomy store, bitch. Chunk of your brain removed. That's basically what happens. It's funny you say that because that's basically what happens. Please tell me the movie I'm talking about. Probably many movies like this. But he walks in and she's like, you know, I've been thinking. Well, I've been thinking a whole lot. He's like, I told you never to go.

You shouldn't be thinking, you dame. Well, I thought about a couple of things and I contemplated on them. And he's like, I told you. Not only am I going to go out without you, not involve you in any part of real life, but I'm going to tell you you're not to contemplate anything while I'm gone. He goes up to me, touches her forehead. He's like, damn it, you're sick. You kooky broad, I'll give you the taste of the back of my hand. We had to talk about this goddamn shit. You're not to fucking think when I'm away.

Yeah. Like, well, it's just that my mother passed and I got to reflecting on her. Ah, fucking shit. All right. Where are you going to be, Rachel? What do you got coming up? Give us some dates and plugs. Oh, in terms of a recommendation, too. Oh, yeah, please. What was that octopus film called? Because I can't remember. Octopus Master? Teacher. Octopus Teacher? I think Teacher, yeah. Octopus Teacher. Yeah. I heard it's going to make me not want to eat octopus and I really do like it. I was able to stuff it

right in my mouth oh good i was very touched by their relationship yeah this guy he goes out swimming this was out a while ago i'm also watching everything that's pretty obvious that everyone's watching like uh succession and white oh yeah so but so but the octopus movie um

never been like a, I don't know, really into like, and she's a person and they're an animal and then they're friends. You do the math kind of movies. But he was like, he went on the ocean every day and he just followed this octopus and tried to figure out its life. Um,

And it's completely fascinating. Very moving. It's a great movie. Yeah. I mean, if he was my husband doing that, I'd be fucking furious. Like, I'm angry my husband's on the phone in the bathroom. Right. You know, I'm like, imagine if he was just going to spend seven hours with an octopus. I'd be like, fuck off, please. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I, like, get annoyed when he's playing chess in the bathroom. I can hear the chess sound and I know. Okay. So I'll be at Emlyn Theater in Manamaranek. I can't even say the name. New York. New York.

Yonkers Comedy Club. And also, wait, this weekend I'm at, I'm in Sarasota, California.

New York at Comedy Works as well. And I'm going to be in Dubai. Whoa! Yes, I have a show in Dubai as well. I'll be at the Capitol Theater in Olympia, Washington and the Comedy Club of Kansas City. Oh, that's a good one. Nice. In Kansas City, Missouri. But also, yeah, Dubai. I'm in Dubai, I think, in like the third weekend. I'm doing the Dubai Comedy Festival, so check that out. Whoa! Damn, not a lot of women on that lineup, I imagine. Okay.

Actually, there's some other women on that show, and there should be a lot of good people at the Dubai Comedy Festival. That's amazing. What a cool mom. That's so fun. Thank you. I wish my mom, you were my mom.

My mom's like, stand up, what? Which, Norman, you know I'm hitting pearlies again. Oh, you got to do it. Best Jewish deli in the country. Great deli. My fave. Greensboro, North Carolina, Asheville, Charlotte, Knoxville, Memphis, Birmingham, Alabama, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Nashville, rather, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston, and more. Samuel.com slash shows.

Hell yeah. Also, I wanted to, I forgot to give you this book, Sammy. What is it? Speaking of recommendations. It's a book. Oh, you're the best. It's an awesome book. Oh, you're the best. It's Marlon Brando's autobiography that he wrote, I think with another author as well, but it's called Songs My Mother Taught Me. It is a fucking fascinating book. I can't wait. Really? It's my next book. I bet you didn't know this about Brando. If you're watching at home, loved Brando.

The Jews had your same fetish, Mark. No, he's an anti-Semite, I thought. Maybe later on. He said Hollywood was run by the Jews and all that. Oh, maybe that was later when he went crazy. But at this point in his life, he was really into Jews. People always blame the Jews in the end. When they're trying to use their marbles, they're like, the goddamn Jews. But early on, he learned theater from Stella Adler. And he became really obsessed with Jewish women. I liked it.

Really? Yes. And he just he has a lot of hilarious stories. One of my can I say one more thing about this book? Please. One of the he was funny. I feel like he could have been a comic. Brando? Brando. Hilarious. Goes to his school. Everybody everybody called him Bud when he was growing up. He went to his school and thought everybody was obsessed with this mascot. Hated school. I think he went out to some like military school or something. Anyway, thought it was dumb. Thought like school spirit was annoying. They had a mascot.

everybody was obsessed with this mascot. It bugged him. He was like, "Ah, fuck you and your dumb mascot." So he decides one night in the middle of the night to dig up this mascot, like a big statue in the middle of the campus.

bury it like 15 minutes outside of town and then everybody loses their shit they're like where the fuck is the mascot everybody called him bud in high school they're like bud where the fuck everybody's looking for the mascot he's like I don't know starts a committee to find out who took this mascot so he decides like not only do I not know where this mascot is he fucking stole it I'm gonna get to the bottom of this then everybody joins the this is almost as good as my Mr. Deeds move this is incredible

Yeah, basically he basically starts a committee. This is almost not as good, but yeah. Then he starts a committee to try to get to the bottom of who took this mascot. And then finally exhausts like the nerds, the very people that bugged him. At a certain point, he was like the most gung-ho one. He's like, if you're in or you're out, we're going to do this five days a week. We're going to get to the bottom of who took this thing. Like he was real difficult and exhausting. And then finally, basically they came to him and they were like, bud, we got to let this go. The mascot's gone. But it was him who took it home.

All along. Funny fucking guy. Songs my mother taught me. I always relate to that story about him. You know, he married that Indian woman and took care of her because she was so ill. And then when she got better, he lost all interest. Oh, really? He just took care of her like day and night. And then she was fully healed. And he was like, wait, was that Little Feather? That's like Sam. I know. I was thinking that too.

You love a bruised lady. Was that the woman on the Oscars? No. Oh, okay. That was a protester he had. Got it. Got it. Which, by the way, I

I just saw in the Bill Maher new rules thing he brought up how like everyone loves to say like Hollywood is not but he's like people booed when he did it now when they do it everyone like applaud it's like oh really it's a good point they booed when he said the thing about Native Americans well he wasn't there he had Little Feather Go yeah because he won for Godfather Godfather

That was kind of ballsy. That was his comeback movie. He was like, suck my dick, Oscars. Yeah. That is kind of cool, actually. And they didn't make a big, but everybody was booing in the room. Oh, yeah. On camera, they were like, boo. Pull it up. It's on YouTube. It's such a funny thing to boo. It's so reasonable and positive. I know. It's like, hey, can we support Native Americans? They're like, yeah, fuck off.

Oh, people run pretty dumb, don't they? It was pre-Twitter. You could still boo. Plug dates. I'm in Australia. Come see me in Australia. I'm all over the road. Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, New Zealand, Auckland, Perth, you name it. Going down under. Say hello. And yeah, get some bodega cat. Say hi on the road. We got the shirts on. Shameless plug. Thank you, Danielle. Thank you.

Killing it. She's a Jew. We've learned that today. Not Italian. I knew Danielle was a Jew. I didn't know. Now I think less of her. And we'll keep it moving. Thanks. We'll see you next week. Congrats on your special, Mark. When's your special coming out? Late June. July. Late July. Sorry. Where did you tape it? Chicago. The Vic. Chicago.

The Vic Theater. I heard it was absolutely incredible. It was fun. From multiple people, I heard it was an incredible team. I'm the only douche who thought to film on St. Paddy's Day, which I didn't think about. Apparently it worked out because I heard it was an incredible team. It went well, thanks to Webb and the gang. James Webb. James Webb. Killed it. Our boy James Webb. We love you, James. Yes. All right. We'll see you guys next week. You're the best.