Ep 123: Jim Norton
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're here. We're clear. We've got a fun guest today. Jim Norton. I hope. The weather is crazy out today, right? Yeah. I want to come in and just do bits. Yeah, right? How about that trans shooter? The guy in the elevator the other day, I was with someone, and she goes, I'm going to California. And he goes, you're going now just so the weather is going nice. And I'm like, uh-huh.

ah good that's a good one stuff you know when it rains like oh you brought it with you i guess you brought it with you i'm like no i didn't bring anything i'll actually agree with them though and go with the bit and go yeah more keep it coming that's uh that's a lot of peeves this week i have a lot of peeves oh yeah a lot of uh annoying that you know what annoyed me recently is uh

People that don't put their dogs on leashes really annoy me. Oh. There's a hallway, and they're just running through the hallway. What? Yeah, and then they're just like, come here, come here, and the dog doesn't come, and you're like, get a leash. Yeah, yeah. But then there's a problem with the leash guy who stretched out the leech all over the sidewalk. It's a domination thing. It's one of those things where they want to show you the control they have over their animal. So what happens?

I hate when the elevator opens and then they take the leash off and they let it run down the hall. Yes, yes. It's like, wow, this fucking Beastmaster. Yeah. It is kind of annoying. I understand. That's true. Yeah, it sucks. Now they're having a big problem with dogs are shitting on planes because they'll have like multiple service dogs now. Oh.

So there's all these videos online, like TikTok. There's just dogs. People stepping dog shit in the aisle of a Southwest flight. Damn. It's out of control. Didn't they stop allowing all those animals on? Didn't they say, like, no, no more? We're only going to allow certain service animals and no more comfort dogs? I think you get the paperwork. You're good to go. I think anyone can bring a dog on. I remember the whole United thing. Remember, they were having a bad week. They dragged the person off the plane. Oh, the Asian guy. And they killed a dog. That's right. The overhead. Yeah. Fucking.

hilarious imagine being the guy who's waiting to get off your connecting flight and there's a 13 year old holding her fucking dead puppy and you're like i don't want to be a dickhead here but i'm gonna fucking flight in 15 minutes i guess i only have one uh check bag now

I do kind of like that guy, though, because he's like, I feel bad about the dog, so I'll put it up here. That's pretty considerate. I mean, it's not for the dog. No, it wasn't. He didn't do it. Oh, he didn't do it? No, they made him do it. No one wants to voluntarily put their dog in the overhead. Oh, I thought he was a nice guy. No, it was the flight attendant. I guess the dog was too big for under. And this is what great owners they were. It was like a two and a half hour flight, and they didn't notice that the dog wasn't making any noise. Oh, boy.

They didn't check on the fucking dog for over two hours, and they got a sad-slash-hilarious surprise. It would be great if the dog was screaming. They just had noise-canceling on their computer. Yeah, that whimper. Hate a dog whimper. You wouldn't think those are airtight, though, would you? I would think that you could get air in there. Totally, but maybe a bump jerked them around or something. Maybe the poor little guy was just so frightened his heart quit, hopefully. Yeah.

We've lost every dog lover in the first three minutes of this podcast. Yeah, yeah. Well, keep off the flights, goddammit. Yeah. But my ex had a chihuahua, and she was a great gal, and she was a fun lady, but that dog was a nightmare. It was hell. Everybody hated the dog. We didn't have the heart to tell her. It got brain cancer eventually. We all had a party. Sure. I thought you were going to go the other way with that, where you're like, oh, but the dog was all right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wasn't it like the Jesalnyk joke? Great gal. Yeah. The dog was fun. But...

She would drug it with Benadryl to get it on a flight because it was just so yappy, and it was the best dog when it was on Benadryl. Sure. But otherwise, it was hell. I imagine the brain cancer mellowed it. Yeah, a lot. A lot. You don't typically see more hyperactivity with a fucking lump in the head.

Poor little guy. How long did he last after they got the terrible prognosis? Very, a couple months. But he would do a thing where he was shitting diarrhea. His whole body was all fucked up. But he would shit next to the pee pad. Like, used to shit on it. And then he would shit next to it because of the brain cancer. And it just made you want to go, come on!

Die already. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's almost like an angry thing by the dog. Like he knows the pee is there and he's like, I'm going to shit on the rug anyway to tell you something's wrong. Exactly. Exactly. Cats would do that too. I had a cat years ago. I had three roommates in Brooklyn and, uh,

I was on the road every weekend, so I couldn't... Every time I would leave, the cat would just be like, meow, meow, and I'd be like, I gotta work. And then at a certain point, you're just like, alright, well, I gotta get rid of it. Every time I would leave, the cat would just piss on someone else's shit. So now I'm getting home, and they're like, your cat peed on my bag, and I'd have to be like, alright, how much was the bag? At a certain point, I was like, I gotta get rid of the cat. It was your cat? Yeah. It was my friend's sister. It was Dan Hall who bartends at the Cellar. It was his...

sister's cat and she asked me to watch the cat for a week and I was like alright yeah I could watch the cat for a week and then she just moved so I was just stuck with the cat oh damn but then the cat was pretty cool until this shit happened right I had two cats I never had pets I had cats growing up and I'm so stupid I was five when I got a manx cat with a tail oh yeah and I named him Susan

because I didn't know it was a guy. You always were trans. You're always into it. Yeah, believe me, I've made these mistakes many times. I named him Susan. They're like, oh, it's a boy, so I called him John. And then the other cat I named William. We found her outside, but it was a female. Twice I made the mistake of naming them opposite gender names. They're both dead now. It's the only animals I've ever had. Yeah, yeah. But I have a cat now named Greg, so I'm continuing the human name.

Isn't it weird? I don't know why. I was a kid, though. When you're a kid, you don't know how to fucking name things. No, of course not. So that makes sense. But I'll tell you this. I have a cat, and people come over, and they go, I don't know how you do it, the litter box, the scratching. But they have kids. And I'm like, you have fucked up kids that fall off the stairs or cry or shit themselves. You're going to give me shit when you've got a kid? Yeah, at least I can back over this thing in the driveway when it annoys me. Yeah.

You have to tolerate it until it goes to college. It's also weird to say, you know, like Susan has cancer and you're like, oh my God. And you're like, it's my cat. It's the cat. That's true. That's true. And when you say Cookie has cancer, you're like, oh, cookies. Yeah, like Magic Johnson's upset. But even if you're like, ah, Susan shit on my bed. You're like, oh, what's up with this girlfriend of yours?

Susan's an amazing name for a cat. Isn't it an awful... It's so adult. Yeah, it is an adult, but it's such a plain shit name that a boy would want to call his cat Susan. I don't know why. I was a little fucking fruit. Well, you grew up in New Jersey, huh? The suburbs. Yeah, yeah. It was all teenage angst. You know, that fucking melodrama. You know, fucking cutting yourself. Like, fuck, I like the devil. You know, I was like an emo douche before it was popular. I remember I was on the road once, and...

Actually, this wasn't even the right. It must have been like a family thing. I was in a hotel room with my brother. I was very young. I remember watching, I think it was Monster Rain, your special. It was just on TV. And my brother didn't know who you were. So his intro to you was the fucking Monster Rain bit. And I hope you and your brother made eye contact alone in the bedroom. Realized things should happen. But it's like when you don't know what to expect. He turned to me. He was like, this guy's really funny. Hey, all right. Monster Rain.

Yeah, I saw that porch. Whenever I'm going to do the Stress Factory, I go back to that apartment complex because I always think something else happened there because I'm so fucked up. I'm like, something else happened, but I still look at that porch that we used to crawl under. It's now made of wood. I think it used to be metal, and then there's a basement window under it, and I kind of vaguely remember being in that basement, and I'm like, eh, it's probably not good, whatever it was. Right, right. Wow, you were probably dying to get out, dying to get to the city. Yeah.

You know how it is, man. I lived with my parents until I was 30. Whoa. I used to get hookers, and I would park in my parents' driveway and put up the sun thing that blocks the sun. Oh, yeah. And I would get blown in the driveway. Wow. I would back into the thing, so I couldn't take them in the house. Yeah, of course. So, yeah, I liked living at home, but it was time to move out. I moved in with Florentine in, I think it was 90. Is this when he had long hair?

I don't know if he was still Jammin' Jim. He used to be Jammin' Jim. Howard Stern named him Jammin' Jim, the rock and roll comedian. So when I met him, he was Jammin' Jim, and I fucking hated him. I was like, who is this ass? He had on like snakeskin boots. But he wound up getting me my first paid gig in 1991. So Jim has been there since like day one. I love him. He's the first comic I ever did a weekend with, and he was fucking awesome. Isn't he great? He's such a great guy. Yeah, I love him. No one's ever badmouthed Florentine. Like no one thinks Florentine's a dick. No.

Oh, no, no. And he gets laid. Apparently women find him attractive, which I find surprising. Yeah, I know. I knew him in his heyday. He used to make us like he would walk by a woman and he would go, tell me if she gives me a cheek peek. And he wasn't being ironic. He wanted to see if the girl looked at his ass. If she looked at his ass, he knew she was interested. And I watched it many times. Wow. It would work. I mean, Florentine had great numbers. Oh, yeah. He was banging Robin Quivers for a while.

Yes, he did date her. I don't know how long. That's insane. I mean, that's like a high-profile black lady. Yes. Well done. Yeah, I don't know how long it lasted or exactly what broke it up. I don't think I ever asked Jim about Robin. I probably should have. Yeah, and I know she's a size queen. Really? So that must mean he's doing all right. He's big balls. Oh, okay. As long as he's big ball. Like, he's all ball. He used to like showing his scrotum off to people. Oh, yeah. His dick. He called it a baby hippity hop. Yeah.

Because the balls were big and the dick was like fine. Okay. It was all ball. Ari's like that too. He's all ball. Having huge balls is not doing your dick any favors. It's like having huge quads. Yeah. But you get the package in the pants because the balls help the bulge. So that's a decent... At least you get them in the door. So if it's like an Anthony Weiner underwear pick, it's...

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring your own infant, of course. He didn't even have a great bulge. Wiener's, I've seen his dick. That was a decent dick. It was fine. I mean, it was like dumb Brett Favre's dick. Oh, yeah. It was the worst dick picture ever. Brett Favre aimed his dick down towards his fucking shoes. Yeah.

He was wearing like those beach shoes. Yeah. That was such a bad dick. Was that when he sent to Jen Sturger? Was that who it was? I believe so. Yeah. And he was pretty thick. I thought it was wide. I found it to be remarkably unimpressive for a future Hall of Famer. Damn. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if it's out there, but I've seen the dick pic and it was just, he was like holding it to make it, like tilting it at a weird angle. And I was like, that's a bad pic, man. Oh no. Well, he's older, so he's not hip to the dick pic world.

Yeah. He's in a lot of trouble, isn't he? Didn't he do some shit? Well, he's suing Pat McAfee. There's this weird back and forth where he was involved with some type of... It had something to do with his kids, a tennis court or a volleyball thing for their school. And then there was allegations that the fucking funds got diverted.

Was it like welfare or social services? Oh, interesting. And they said that Brett knew about it. I don't know the details, obviously, by the way I'm talking about it. But then McAfee said something that I guess he thought was actionable, and he's suing Pat McAfee and somebody else. But I don't know any more details about that.

It's a tough time. Colin Quinn said it best. You can get in a lot of trouble with what you say, and all we do is talk now into microphones. Where we used to not do this, we do it all day, every day, and now you can get in more trouble with just saying crazy shit, and we're just giving it out there. And the more we talk, the less we're actually informed. We're just talking all the time. It's not great.

Well, nobody wants to listen to anybody. It really is just like when you're just waiting. All right, here's my chance to make a point. That's why I don't listen to any of it. I listen to none of it. I can't. You don't listen to the backlash or you don't listen to anything people say? I don't check at mentions because I just don't give a fuck. I don't read the comments. I hate when people go, I've read your comments. Fuck you. Create because you want to create something, not because commenters are – we have enough feedback from live audiences. Completely agree. It's like I get enough attention. It was bothering me that like how much –

How much complete validation do you need? Right. It just made me sick the way I was...

So I just stopped. And you dwell on it. Somebody's like, hey, your earlobes aren't connected. I'm like, I know, but now I'm in the shower going, ah, the earlobes. And it doesn't do anyone any good. That's the best thing someone could say. Take the earlobe thing. Yeah, the earlobe thing would be a home run in my atmosphere. Fucking, yeah, yeah. I also think about that. Mark checks every comment. Mark reads a lot of comments. And I think about how many specials you must have put out where –

There was no comments like HBO. Oh, those were the days. Comedy Central, all these specials. And then Netflix. And then now the specials that popped for Mark and myself were on YouTube. It's just all comments. Right. And it's okay to let people make them, but I find that reading them, I know what I do on stage, so I can tell if it worked or not by the reaction. True. We're not doing things in a vacuum. And I think it was just unhealthy for me. I just kept...

over it and I was like, what are you doing? Who the fuck cares? Even if these people like you. It was like, I don't like myself. Just the neediness of it annoyed me and I got out of the habit of doing it. And we're driving the ship. We got to remember that. We'll have no guest on and we'll have a guest and people are like, yeah, guest, fuck the guest or I like it better with no guest or whatever and you're like, oh,

oh, maybe we should do that. But then you go, no, we're doing our show. Stop telling us what to do. Yeah, you have on who you want to have on and you know it's funny. You know it's not funny. Yeah, that's what I try to live by. It's hard though. I mean, it's really hard. People will insult me in my mentions. Well, the question is you've seen both sides of this comedy industry where it was like

All audience, no internet, traveling on the road, doing gigs. You had your radio show, but now it's just all internet, it feels like. It is all internet, but I've been getting bashed. I mean, I'm kind of immune to feeling bashed online. I just don't care because it's been happening for over 20 years. First time I read negative shit about myself online.

was right after 9-11, I did some joke on the radio. People were like, that's fucking too soon. I remember reading it in one of those message board things. So you get used to it after a while. You just become numb to the fact that no matter what you do, people are going to be cunts. I guess so. Do you remember the joke? No, I don't even remember. It was on the air. It was a radio thing. So it was just made fun of something. I remember on 9-11, I called...

Oh, sorry. No, no, that's okay. I remember I called in to Opie and Anthony because we couldn't get into the city. And I remember calling in. It was like the naval planes were circling. Oh, wow. And I wanted to do a joke. I remember because I used to always plug at inappropriate times. But I was like, I remember almost plugging gigs. But I'm like, ah, don't. Even in that moment, I'm like, ah, this will be a bad. Don't do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can smell smoke. You should probably not plug. But the question is, have we gotten.

easily offended or is it just easier to get the offended out there in public? You know, because like Seth MacFarlane said when he started Family Guy, he would get bags of hate mail, like garbage bags, and they would just throw them in the dumpster. But now, they get read online...

And then they catch, and everybody goes, yes, you are homophobic, or whatever. That must be weirdly satisfying. Deleting an email doesn't feel great, but taking a bag and just throwing it in the dumpster? Literally, and then light it on fire. Knowing they haven't been heard. Yes! That's the best. That's why I don't block, I mute. Keep talking, you stupid motherfucker. Yes, I'm the same way. And somebody had to write down and fold it and lick it and put a stamp on it and send it, and we don't even read it. But Mark and I talk about this all the time, like how...

I'm not one of those comics who's like people are easily offended now. I don't care. Most crowds are pretty good for the most part still. But your generation was so much tougher at the table just hanging out. Like your generation of you, Colin, Bobby, Patrice, Burr, Nick. Yeah.

But you also at that time, it was different because we were dealing with political correctness from like 1990. Like, you know what I mean? Like, so we had it too. It was just a different – it just layers up or levels up every few years. It gets exponentially worse. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's the beauty of this. Like, all these people now, these woke people –

They are committing a sin somehow that they're not aware of as a sin. Of course, of course. But people who are being born now in 15 years will tell them what their sin is. Yeah. So that's the only thing that I hold on to is all these little fucking, ah, that's a problem. Oh, are you going to fucking get it in 15 years? Right.

Because you don't know the sin you're committing is a sin right now. Yeah. I actually saw someone I follow on Twitter, this political guy, Matt Welch, post yesterday. This woman was getting torn apart online. I just saw him quote tweet it, and he wrote, remember when you called me a transphobe? Like, this isn't fun. Oh!

Oh, I love that. And he basically was, it wasn't like hateful. It was just kind of like. Matt Welch or Walsh? Welch. Oh, I don't know Matt Welch. He's like a, he has a podcast. He's on Bill Maher sometimes. Oh, okay. But yeah, welcome to the party. Get in line. This is what you guys do. It sucks, right?

Yeah, it's all endless. So it's like you may as well chill out. Yeah, you may as well ignore it. I got called a transphobe. Like, it was some Caitlyn Jenner joke I had done. I don't remember what it was. It was something about... Yeah. I was shocked. It was something about... In politics and tying in with being one thing and not the other. And people fucking... They were... This is the hill you want to die on? And, like, you're transphobic. It's just...

Fuck you. Or he'll get called a Nazi, and you're like, look at his face. I know. Come on. I know. He's a propaganda postman. Exactly. But what bugs me the most is I get it. They're stupid people. They're angry. They want clicks. But when you go, hey, I'm Jewish, they go –

They don't care. They don't care, but you should go, oh, shit, I didn't know that. My bad. Nazi doesn't make sense. Take it back. Because it's not about the point. It's about being angry. And it's almost like if somebody tells you and corrects you and then you go, oh, then you can't be angry. It's all a lie just to excuse being angry. It feels good. Oh, that's a good point. So people don't want to not be angry. Yeah. Do you think – is there any party that satisfied these people that come after you and then find out that you –

were with a trans person or like maybe, or do you think that makes no difference to them? I mean, if it was a trans person, but I've put quite a few through college. But no, I don't ever think of it like that. Like, if they don't know, they don't know. Like, I don't care because, again, it's never about, I don't even think they're being legitimate when they accuse me of it. So me not being a transphobe doesn't mean anything because their accusation is a lie. So I don't care. And I don't care even if they mean it. Really? Yeah.

Go ahead. Trust me. Talk to my tonsils. They'll tell you the truth.

But as comics, I feel like we want to be accurate. We want to be right about everything. So when they're not right, you're like, wait, why aren't you ashamed of being incredibly inaccurate? Because we deal with hecklers. Like if a guy heckles you, it's right there. You deal with it. It's addressed. Yes. He knows. You know what he said. They all know. It's almost like you have the judge and the jury in the same room. Yes. But you don't have that online. No.

but that thing you said, it's too diluted, but in a club, it's you suck, and then you hammer them. Yeah. Oh, it's so satisfying. It's literally a town hall meeting where you get applause after every interruption. Yes. It's fucking great. Yeah, because you're always going to win. Oh, yeah. If you don't win, you can, yeah, I mean, you have a microphone. Yeah, you should. I've gone, sometimes you go too hard, you lose. You go, hey, you cunt, and they're like, whoa, easy. Yeah. Oh, shit. It's a kid walking through the bathroom. Yeah.

But then you can kind of shit on yourself for going too hard. There's still ways to save it. That's true. And you're always going to come off better than them. Yeah. I mean, early on, I definitely lost. Yes. Early on, I remember some of those where you're like, oof. I saw a legendary one. It wasn't me, but I was at a show, and a comic was on stage doing a fat joke, and a guy in the front row was like,

obese, like huge. And he goes, hey, enough with the fat stuff. And he goes, sir, relax. You're going to die in a year anyway. And the whole crowd turned on him. The guy stood up. It got ugly. And I was like, all right, noted. Don't do that. Yeah. Hopefully he was right, though. Yeah. The other guy's long gone. The guy stood up and he was like, ugh. Yeah.

He's reading the obituaries for the next 12 months. I was crying. I lost once. I don't remember what the guy said. It was probably 1991 or it was like my first two years of doing stand-up and I was getting hammered by this guy in Wildwood, New Jersey. He was fucking relentless. He was funny. So afterwards, I talked to him and he was actually a cool guy. He was like, yeah, sorry about that. And his job was he was a dunk tank clown. Oh.

So he was used to fucking just ripping people. And he smashed me pretty good. I lost that one. The one I can remember losing. You take a dunk tank clown. That guy has never heard the sentence. He won. He lost in life.

But see, the sad thing now is I hear that story. I'm like, that'd be a great clip. Cause we're so fucking obsessed with the clips. Yeah. But you guys, you guys are, what you're doing is so good because you're putting out like funny original shit. That's like, it gets people to people to come see you. You don't rely on the business. Like it's great. That's true. You're not burning material or the way you do it where you do so much topical stuff. I mean, I love following you at the cellar or following Colin at the cellar because you guys always have new topical shit. Yeah. I'm always like, here's my, Oh, what's your angle going to be on, uh,

Dylan Mulvaney on the Bud Light thing. What's your angle going to be on this story? I know you're going to have something. Yeah, the Dylan Mulvaney thing has been a tough sell. Nobody wants to hear, well, it's the first time I ever jerked off to a beer can. Well, that topic is so nerve-wracking that even if you're positive, they're like, well, I don't know. Is he being facetious? What is going on here? Yeah, I put up a clip about it, and it's like I'm sure that people are split on it. I'm sure some people think like, oh, just –

When they give you a serious, but no, but what you really need to see. Shut up. No, I don't. I just don't care. I'm making fun of something. I'm joking about something. I don't care if you don't like it. What do they want to tell you? Right, right. There's no final conclusion we're going to have when we walk away as gentlemen who understand each other. I did a joke. You don't like it. That's the end of it. There you go. And I don't know why people are this angry. I get it. It's a weird choice. Obviously, it's a controversial choice. It's not a lot of people.

I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are... Kid Rock's shooting shit with a machine gun. He's shooting Bud Light cam. I'm like... That'll show him. I'll tell you, that guy, he doesn't really... That guy doesn't fuck around. I mean, he doesn't like a beer can. He shoots it. Get out of his way. You know, of course he doesn't like trans people. He looks like fucking Fiona Apple. I wonder who...

But it's a fake rebellion. It's a fake thing from all these guys because like it's simply an advertising thing. Bud Light has people who are probably just mostly like these guys that are like a certain type and people are like, you should know your core audience. Well, yeah, dummy. They want to expand their – what is a bunch of Bud Light fans doing?

get together as a group. It's an alcohol that they want to expand to other people. So they probably want young trans people and they get this hot, like, you know, I should say, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot, relevant. Relevant. Young trans person. There you go. I'm not saying hot is wrong, but I'm just, that's just not my, you know, she's too tight. Not your type. Yeah.

It's also a reminder that they have the guns because when Chick-fil-A said they were against gay marriage years ago, there were no left-wing people like, see this chicken breast? I'm going to fucking shoot it. That's true. It's a reminder like there's different forms of protest. Yes, yes, exactly. There's boycott and picketing and then there's AK-47. That's why I don't eat at Chick-fil-A. I don't like it and I don't like the fact that they were against gay people. I just like fuck them. But I'm not going to tell anybody else not to eat there. I don't care who else goes there. I just I'm like, yeah, fuck them.

It's a good product. I don't feel the need. I know. Everybody loves it. I should try it. I didn't love it. But I don't feel the need to put a bunch of shit in front of a lake and walk around and go, huh? It all tastes pretty much the same to me. So if I'm going to eat fried chicken, I'll fucking go to the place that wasn't vocal. Right. We're against gay marriage. But I do think it's like this religious thing. They're all about religion, Christianity. But what about the other groups overseas who don't like the gays?

Why don't people boycott that? Because Christianity is like the OG and it's a safer one to boycott. It's safer. Because people aren't worried that somebody who's Christian – they might have like an occasional abortion doctor shooter. I'm not saying they're all great. Yeah. But you're not worried that Christians are going to run into your place of business with an explosive. So people criticize what they feel safe –

Christianity is the safe one to go after. Right. Other people feel like they're going to be in danger going after. Jews are safe to go after. People go after Jews, too. Yeah. But I think Christians and Jews are the ones that people feel like they can get away with it. But other religions, they're afraid, will respond violently. And you could be called xenophobic. Yeah, I guess so. As well, going after a different...

race or skin color or whatever yeah i guess so i mean i don't know why anybody i just don't think it fits their narrative maybe i think that's another part of it yeah exactly i want to ask you because i'm looking at you and it's norm and bob saget behind you and i'm remembering that you did the saget roast two who are and one who should be but i mean that was a you had a great set in that roast that was a great roast i remember uh

I mean, Norm's set was so amazing. That was the famous anti-comedy Norm's speech. Yeah, he kind of, I mean, was there a point, I watched that live and I remember being like, what is he doing? And then by the end, I was like, this is amazing. Brilliant. Yeah, it was very funny. The crowd was kind of in and out on it, but it was still funny. Of course. You knew it was weird and I had to address it, but people thought he didn't get what Norm was, of course I fucking, I'm doing stand-up 15 years at that point. I got it. It was funny. Right, right. I enjoyed it, but you had a roast. I'm not going to stand up there and just applaud.

I'm going to make fun of him. And then you had a great line. How did you come up with that blueberries line? I have very, very limited movie taste. And I was like, thank God something fucking falls into the Ungolden Pond universe. Right. But he had a great comeback. He had a great comeback. He had a great line. We'd all love to watch Henry Fonda picking blueberries. I mean, it was perfect. Holding the newspaper and he folded it. He goes, well, who wouldn't want to? I mean, he's such a fucking beast. Yeah, he was awesome. And Saget was such a...

So I was only on that roast because Bob requested me. Wow. Comedy Central never put me on any of that stuff, but Bob is like, I want Jim on it. He was a good dude, man. He was a really sweet guy. He's one of those guys. I remember I sent a dirty text to a girl about who used to jerk me off, but I accidentally sent it to him. And that became this great bonding moment between us because for years we laughed about it. But I sent him something about it. It was like a code. Like, hey, I think I really need a hand. And he writes back. He's like, what? And I'm like, oh, fuck.

I told him and he was fine with it. Yeah, of all the comics, probably the best one to send it to on accident. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, of course. Because he's the dirtiest guy ever. Yeah, he was a bit of a pig. But a nice guy. And one of the most famous guys I've ever been around. Like, you couldn't go anywhere. Him and Sherman Hemsley. Whoa. Who I remember me and Voss saw him do stand up at Caroline's one time. Yeah.

It was kind of sad. It was like half full and he's kind of coming on and off to the Jeffersons. But we went down to the cellar with him to have wings. What? And homeless guy screaming. Like everybody knew that fucking guy. I sent him a dirty text once. Did you really? Yeah. No. Yeah. What does Wheezy's pussy taste like? That's hilarious. You hung out with him. Yeah. I know. I loved him. You know who had that was...

Deep cut. You have to Google this when kids at home. Barry Sobel. I would walk around Midtown with Barry. So every black guy in New York would come out of windows. Barry. Hey, Barry. And I was like, what the fuck? But he was on Eddie Murphy's show or once in 227 once. Oh, that was it.

I thought it was a hit thing. He used to do a stand-up where Barry Sobel used to do hip-hop. Yeah, yeah. He was like the white rapper. He was a Beastie Boy type guy. Yes, before anybody did that in comedy, really, Barry Sobel started that. Wow. That was an epic Dangerfield lineup. It was like Barry Sobel, Robert Schimmel, Bill Hicks. It was like- Was that the Dice one or no? Dice was on it too. Wow. Yeah. Lifer, Dom Herrera. Wow. I remember that one because I watched that one a ton.

a ton. Yeah. Schimmel was so fucking funny. Schimmel was amazing. I think that Dice, he said that one of those other guys, it was either Sobel or it might have been Robert Schimmel, one of them was going to wear a leather jacket and Dice was the guy who wore it and then they said, no, no, no, Dice wears the jacket. Only Dice. Oh.

Damn. Yeah, I remember the first place I was when I saw Dice. Like, you don't usually remember that with comics, but I was 18, and I was dating this girl, and she's like, Jim, come in here. This guy's so dirty. And I sat down, and we watched this Dangerfield special, and it's like I'd never seen anything like Dice. No, that shit, that was insane. It was so innovative and original.

Yeah, Kinnison too. I mean, it's crazy how many amazing comics came from those Rodney specials. I remember seeing Nick DiPaolo. Did Seinfeld come from that? Yeah, he was on that. Roseanne? Roseanne, I remember. Robert Townsend? Bob Nelson? Yeah.

Yeah. Robert Townsend. Did Bob Nelson die or no? Was he sick? He was sick. His career did. But I think he's in Long Island. I don't know, Bob. I heard he was sick and I was like, he didn't die, did he? No, I don't think so. He's got the helmet on. He's fine. All right. I feel bad saying that. You never want to wonder if a comedian died. It sounds disrespectful. Right, right, right. But, you know. I'll cover that part. All right. But, wait. You were going to say something. Robert Townsend. Um.

Oh, maybe not. No, it was Robert. There was another name. It was... Oh, Nick DiPaolo. DiPaolo. First time I saw Nick, I remember, it was on him and Janine, and I forget who else it was. It was an HBO Young Comedian special. I remember those specials were fucking great, too. But I watched Nick DiPaolo talking about if testing monkeys can cure AIDS, because people were complaining about primate testing. Mm-hmm.

I was like, this guy is fucking mean. Yeah. He's great. His jokes were like, he was just like, he's a machine, DiPaolo. I mean, his first Letterman is lights out. It's so good, and it's clean, and it's still great. Yeah. Nick is a very underrated comic. Yeah. He's a great comic. He's got some of the classic jokes I always think about on the road. He's got so many good road jokes. I mean, I think about the one about checking into the hotel and seeing a poop in your toilet, and I called the front desk. I said, you know, most hotels leave a mint on your pillow. Yeah.

That's such a great joke. Great joke. And just the way he would talk about, is there anything we could do to make your stay better? Oh, yeah, how about you take the jet engine out of the air conditioner? Just fucking, just a shitty, cranky vibe. So funny, man. So funny. He's got that great joke about he gets hurt and he goes to the emergency room and he goes, I don't want to say I waited a long time, but the guy before me had a musket wound. Oh!

Oh, that's fucking brilliant. And then the tag, you know the tag. Is there a John Quincy Adams here? Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's a fucking machine. And what I like about Nick is I've been in like writer situations with him. We did when Tough Crowd started. It was like, it was Colin, I think, and Ken Ober in one room. Nick and Geraldo wrote in the other room. Holy shit. Like they had different offices. And you know, Sherrod, Brian Tucker were out in this main office and me and Keith were

We're in one getting nothing done like Nick and Geraldo and Colin and Ken Oba. They were writing sketches and me and Keith did zero, did absolutely nothing. But Nick is comfortable pitching jokes like he's not ashamed to pitch jokes and whether it works or not in a room. And I always admired that because I'm so afraid of doing that.

Like, I'm so ashamed. Of course. I don't collaborate well with guys. I like – you write stuff or whatever, and then I'll look at it, and I'll write you back. Right. I don't collaborate well in the moment. Well, throwing it out there, it's so vulnerable. And when it bombs, it fucking stings. Yeah. Yeah, because it's other guys who know what funny is. Exactly. I can't blame them for being stupid. Yeah, they get it. They just – Well, comics, you know. I remember reading in your book, you said it was something about –

a tough crowd you would do a joke where you would ask people how they're doing and then just slam slam the door in their face yeah and the only people you didn't do it to were were john stewart and paul mooney oh i don't remember did i not do it to those guys i think you said in the book you were like i was too nervous to do it to paul mooney probably yeah i wanted mooney to like me because he uh he wrote for prior and i love richard prior so much and mooney was actually he was a weird

I didn't know him well, but he was very nice to me. I guess because we had done that before and he'd be on Opie and Anthony. And he was one of those guys that would test you a little bit to see if you could handle being teased. And he was always responsive if you hit back. He wasn't a baby about it.

But I didn't know him very well. Who got mad at me? Hal Sparks, I think, got mad at me because I got everybody. And it used to be I would always be happy that Patrice or Nick would like I would stand out. So you've been on the road. I would just kind of put my hand on the door and I would see Patrice start to laugh because he knew what was coming. No comic doesn't want to talk about their road experience. Sure. How's the road been? Well, I've been that fucking door coming. It was like beating cancer. But most people probably laughed at that.

All of them did. Hal, I think, I didn't know him well or at all. So I think he might have thought I was a dick. I think Colbert really enjoyed it. I got a few guys that you wouldn't think. Yeah. But he's like an improv guy. He probably was like, he probably. I loved it. He's like, this guy's a douche. He got it. He was fine with it. But I think that Hal is the one. And I didn't remember not doing it to John or, you know, John at the Daily Show. I was probably like, who the fuck am I? Yeah. True. It's humiliating to me.

But you wouldn't like it. I think he's a fun guy. Yeah, but I didn't have the faith. I get it. You know what I mean? It was Jon Stewart, so I probably was trying to be respectful. Yeah, but you've met everybody. I mean, you've got a—I've been to your apartment. Just the people on your wall alone, the photos you have with people is insane. Yeah, I have. I've met every hero I've met, I think. Wow. I think I've been lucky in that way. I got to meet Kennison.

Briefly, it was just like a five-minute. He came out to the open mic at Rascals. I didn't do photos back then, but he talked to some of the young comics, and I got him to sign a napkin, which I still have. Wow. Yeah, I was happy I got to say hello to him, Richard Pryor. Very brief. Richard Pryor? I didn't get to talk to him. I lit his cigarette. I was with Patrice, actually, at the Comedy Store in 1995 or 6. How bad would that be if you lit him on fire? I would have been, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, because he was looking for his lighter, and I just lit his cigarette. And yeah, it would have been hilarious if a wind came through. Not again. But Patrice didn't walk up and talk to him, but I'm glad I did. And I got him to sign my business card, which I still – I used to get autographs on the back of my business card because it felt like it was personal. Right. So I got him to sign that. But I never got to talk to him. It was brief. Yeah. And I wish I had a photo. Wow.

Man, remember business cards? I used to have 2,000 printed from Vistaprint for like eight bucks, and I would pass them out at open mics like a fucking chooch. I had a little joke on it, too. It would say, Jim Norton, bill discreetly to your Visa or MasterCard. You know, a little phone sex, you know, folks, for those that like that. They would tell you, older comics would be like, you got to stand by the door and hand out your business card. Fuck, well, then I'm not going to make it. I can't do it.

I love the guy, too. It says, like, director, photographer, comedian, writer, actor. And you're like, all right, what is this, vaudeville? Yeah. You can do everything? Come on. Or you're getting ahead of him. I had him. I had him. It was humiliating. Yeah. When was your first headshots? I was kind of talked into it. An older comic named Gemini. John Lombardi's, you got to get headshots. Like, I just waited. Do you remember your first one? Yeah, Mindy Tucker. We shot it on, like, the sidewalk in Brooklyn. And that was it. It was just a shitty—

You know, it was bad. I don't remember who it was, but yeah, I remember getting them and I'm like, yeah, I look fucking worse than I look now. Yeah, it's embarrassing, right? It's embarrassing. They're the worst. I even see them at the cellar and I'm like, ooh, these are all bad. Isn't that your favorite part of it, though? Like when you do like the comedy cabaret in Doylestown or even like the old Atlanta Punchline, I love looking at all those headshots on the wall of people I don't know. Because like when that guy, you know what I mean? Mike Stetton.

You know Yeah In Oklahoma Right You see a guitar stem Right And you're like That guy had the same dream I had Yeah And then something to him It's like You go to the Royal Oak Comedy Castle It like wraps around Oh yeah And you're like

Gary Shanling, Leno. Yeah. It's kind of, you're like, holy shit, they played this room? Yeah. Right. But then, yeah, you're right. The ones you've never heard of, you're like, what the fuck is their story? What happened? What is their life? OD, kids, death, suicide, what happened? Well, I remember one time, this was like years ago, Joe Mackey and I were at the comic strip and we were pointing-

we were like there's some heavy guy with a mustache and we're like laughing like who's that guy and someone walked over they're like he's not a comic he was the guy who would do the delivery for the cash and one night he got shot in the head oh wow we're like oh jesus well he's fat exactly tape a flower to his fucking picture yeah we like you can't do that to us yeah no but some of those uh

Some of those headshots are like, it's amazing, man. Amazing. Of the time. You could tell the time they were taken. And I would never get bored of standing there looking at people I don't know who they are. I could do that all day because I'm just like, what fucking happened to you? I know. What mistakes did you make? Were you not funny? Was this a part-time thing? Were you a drunk? Yep. I love those stories too. A lot of drunks. A lot of drunks. In the 80s, I bet a lot of cokeheads.

Oh, yeah. Don't you love those stories of guys who like, hey, he was on The Tonight Show and then he drank it. Like, you learn from those guys. You're like, I'm so glad I didn't fucking... Wherever I go, I go, but I didn't wreck it by being self-destructive. When did you become sober? I was 18. I was a young fucking suburban...

problem child. But how did you know at 18 to go sober? Like I would go, maybe I'll drink less or I won't black out, but to go sober has got to be tough. My father was sober in a program and I used to, you know, I went to rehab for wrist slicing and, you know, calling the FBI drunk. I used to call the Klan members and tell them how wrong they were. I was just, I was an asshole. Suburban angst, you know. Well, this could be worse. I thought you were going to say you called them like you guys are doing great.

I remember that. I fucking, I remember I read some book on the Klan and I was a little SJW at 15 and I looked up his number and information and he was a Klan preacher and I called him and I'm like, it's wrong that you're racist. And he actually talked to me on the phone. He's like, well, you know, I don't do that anymore. I left and then we had like a chat. He talked to me on the phone, this guy. And then I, you know, I don't remember what happened after that, but.

You joined? Sure. I was like, well, now that that pussy's out, there's an opening. That's amazing. You called an ex-Klan preacher? Yeah. You dial 411 and you dial 155, whatever the number was to that local thing. And the guy got on. I couldn't believe he got on the fucking phone. Wow. That's crazy. I thought people were accessible now with Twitter and shit. You can just call a fucking brand. He's like, I still don't like Jews, but the rest of them are okay. Yeah.

Yeah, he admitted that he was wrong about it. I guess he was realizing, like, oh, somebody's calling my – the phone was great back then because you didn't have to worry. Like, I remember calling – I called in bomb threats to my high school. I actually cleared the high school. I was like – we were all drunk, me and my friends. I used to call this nun thing that they would, like, rescue problem kids, and I would always tell them I was being molested. Oh, good times. And we would all giggle. Yeah. But I cleared the school with a bomb threat. Whoa. I get that. I remember watching from my friends –

Like we were watching from his patio or whatever. We could see people walking into the parking lot. Whoa. Because I had called in. So it's like I get why I would never have been a school shooter, but I get why people want that impact. Of course. Like why you want people to – like you've done something that moved the needle. Yes, yes. And when you do clubs on the road, I call in a bomb threat. But that would explain why the curtain is always pulled. It's the worst one on early show Saturday when they pull the curtain back. I'm like, I didn't know that was a curtain. Right.

I thought I was just half sold. But I saw Tracy Morgan. This is years ago. He was on Stern. And he said he would shit. He would go to the white neighborhood to the community pool and shit in the pool. And Howard Stern's like, why did you do that? He's like, because everyone had to go out of the pool. It was like a little power thing, kind of like the bomb threat. Wow. I'm causing these kids to get out. This is on me. I did this. Yeah, you have an impact. The poop in the pool is a little more hands-on. Yeah, yeah. But yeah.

Yeah, and then the downside is you've had impact, but you're now standing with your own shit in water. They can kind of pick you out of a lineup at that point. That's the guy. He's still there. The guy with the fecal matter on his elbows in a semi-circle. He pooped in the pool. That was a big move, he said. That's hilarious. People did it. I respect that. The early school shooting was shit in the pool.

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That other kid, do you see the article about this kid? By the way, his last name is Sturgeon, which like, you know, they're like hoop star, popular kid, shoots up a school. I guess he shot like four people in the bank yesterday. Oh, yeah. Kentucky.

Yeah. Louisville. Tennessee. Oh, he was a Louisville U.N., I think. Oh, wow. He was a bank guy. He had gotten fired. But there's a weird... I wonder if he had CTE because he had like this... I think OJ had CTE. I'm guessing they'll figure out when he's dead. Oh, yeah. But they said he got so many concussions he had to wear...

a helmet when he played basketball? I thought it was a typo in the article. I thought he was like, well, you know, he's baseball and he wore like a helmet in the field or something. Yeah. I've never seen a dude play basketball in a fucking helmet. Yeah. I've never either. It looked insane. Yeah, he looked like an ass. Yeah. And, you know, so I think that's probably, you know, maybe they'll... And he was dunking in the picture. I'm like, maybe don't show a picture of the school shooter throwing down. Yeah, exactly. Cool look. Exactly. Show him going like this and he got fouled. Well, you can't show him taking a shot. All right. So,

Sorry. Very good, Mark. I should get a helmet. But yeah. I got to pee. I'll be right back. Well, I think there was a Colorado guy. They stopped him. He was going to shoot up a school and they stopped him. I kind of vaguely remember that. It was like a week ago. Was it like from shit he had written? Yeah, I think so. And I think they caught him on the way in with the gun and they just grabbed him.

I was thinking today, I was talking to my trainer at the gym. They should have something on guns where, like, all apps can detect when there's a gun nearby. So, like, if a gun gave up, like, you know that fine mile when you lose your keys? Yes. Some kind of an app that can tell you when, like, everything but with police or something. Right. So you don't know when they're coming to bust you. You get the fucking alert. That's a great idea. Yeah. I mean, gun owners would never go for having a little thing put on their weapon, but still. I guess. But he could make it a law. And some guys just have them right here anyway. So they're already visible. Yeah.

Yeah, but... That's a great call. I know, but nobody will go for it. Nobody will go for it. Do you guys stay on while he's pissing? You're good, right? Yeah, we're good. Okay, good. I never piss. I've wet the bed as a kid, so I've built my bladders this big. I did, too, and I've wet the bed as an adult. I've pissed the bed multiple times as an adult. Even with my girlfriend in bed, I'm like, ah, I pissed a little bit. I've done that, too, yeah. It's embarrassing. Well, I only do it when I black out drinking, but you do it sober. I'm sober, totally sober. Wow. Yeah, one too many coffees after 3 p.m., and I piss the bed. Yeah, this is...

What's bedtime for you? Because you've got the morning show. I go to bed by 12, and I get up at like 6.45. But I usually don't fall asleep until like 12.45, 1 o'clock. I'm a bad sleeper. Same. And I get up at like – I envy your life, though. When you look at you and Sam, you guys who are doing that nightlife, I love that life of going out at 1 o'clock in the morning. I've got a spot. Or you can go to the party at the cellar tomorrow night.

I got to be home by 9.30, 10 o'clock like a fucking old lady. It sucks. But do you kind of like the structure? Like, all right, I know where my money's coming in. I know where my job is. Is there anything to that? Or do you like or do you hate the structure? No, I like the fact that it makes me go to the bank. I'm able to go to the bank and do normal person things. Oh, yeah.

Because when I have all night to myself, I'm just basically – I'm online all night. I'm jerking off. I'm watching – it's just dysfunctional. I do my spots. I go to bed at 7 a.m. Yeah. Like when I was doing Tough Crowd, I would go to bed at like 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the morning. Wow. Wake up. Sometimes if I had no episode that day, I would sleep until 4.30. Oh, man.

Or if I had an episode, I would go to bed at like 5 and get up at 1. It was just totally upside down and then nothing gets done. Nothing gets done and you become depressed because you're like, oh, now I'm up and the sun's down. And then now I'm up or down and the sun's up. It fucks with your cerebellum.

I don't know. Serotonin, whatever it is. Yeah, we're talking about going to – just being upside down. Like I envy your schedules. You guys are just out like living road comic lives. Like I love that schedule. Oh, yeah. Yeah, being up all night. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And you just can't do it because of the radio, you mean? Yeah, it sucks. It's like having a – it lets you have like a real life where you can – okay, I can do these things that I would never – I wouldn't have a mortgage if I was up all night because I just never would have went to the bank. But now I'm like, yeah.

I kind of feel like a regular person. And you still get a set in. I do two a night. Yeah, I do too. That's great. Yeah, I usually do Monday through Saturday two a night. I was only doing one before the pandemic, but after the pandemic, I was like, I wanted to just kind of get my shit back, and I just love doing two a night now. Two a night's huge. How much does the radio burn you out writing, though?

It helps because you start thinking in directions you wouldn't think of. I agree. You're reading news stories every day and you're like, oh, yeah, is there an angle on that? Is there not a funny angle on that? And normally the answer is, of course, no. But, I mean, you try and it gets your mind working. I agree. I mean, you do so much. I mean, that helps you do so much topical stuff, I guess. Sometimes you do podcasts. I just feel like it hurts my writing because I'm just like, I only have so much creativity in my head per day and I'm just burnt the fuck out. But I guess if you have...

news stories you're like this is like a goal and it's that day it's it's a lot it's live like people are listening now so i know that it's like whatever we're doing we're gonna burn um so get it out of the way and then tomorrow it's got to be something new so it kind of feels like you have to rifle through news stories real quick and see what's if there's anything a lot of times we don't get to them but i read them anyway yeah i think that's healthy and then that's a good exercise just going all right i need a dylan mulvaney joke

Yeah. You know, it gets the brain going. Although I write on stage. I'm really – Colin is so good. Like you'll see him with like a chicken scratch papers. And I don't not do it out of artistic anything. I'm just not good at that. I'm much better at writing on stage, and part of it is probably laziness. Like I just – Sure. I get an idea. Like you know how it is. You just talk it through and see what's there. Yeah.

but writing it down is probably so much better. I think so, because I always say I'm going to write it on stage, and then I get up there in that wave of like, oh, this isn't going that well, and I get frazzled, and then I can't think of anything. Yeah, I've gotten used to that over the decades. I think, oh, did I fucking eat shit last night? Oh, not even aggressive, but I was bombing, and they didn't hate me. They were just like, no, we're not enjoying what you're doing. And I don't know if it was because it was a bunch of trans stuff.

After Judy Gold had gone on So maybe we hit the same topic Like you know what I mean We might have hit it in a similar way I haven't seen Judy set in years So it could have been that With like yeah we just kind of heard something Along this highway I don't know Yeah and Judy rants and raves So she can cover everything Yeah she's funny too Hilarious Yeah do you ever Do you ever feel like following people at the cellar With

the amount of new stuff you do. I mean, I feel that sometimes you're following some new guy at the cellar and they just are murderers and they're doing their greatest hits. Yeah, the A-game. And then you go on and you're like, this happened in the news today and the crowd's just like, what? Yeah, if you're not as zippy as they are, they kind of like, oh, is this guy...

Because some of the new comics there are fucking killers. They're killing. Yeah. And they're not doing new shit because they're at the cellar and they don't want SDC. I don't like SDC-ing me, Bob. I've been there since 1995. And she walks in, I'm like, ah, panic. Fucking John Bobbitt. I just fucking... I fall apart. So no, I don't really...

I don't care who I'm following there because so many of them kill. And on the road, you got to follow guys that are fucking murdering. And over the years at the cellar, you got to follow Chappelle. Like every one weekend, he was working on a Showtime special, so he was doing longer sets. And I was on after him every – you get used to like not giving a fuck. Yeah.

But the only thing I care about is, like, I'll ask somebody, hey, do you do anything on the Dalai Lama? Like, if Rogel comes off for anybody, because you don't want to do the exact same subject. Right, totally.

But then you have guys like Dave Attell who are so good that he goes on last and everyone's done the Dalai Lama, but his is still the best one. Because you never see it. He's so infuriating. You never see it coming. I know. He's that good. Yeah, you never see his joke. He throws a curveball, even though we know how jokes are structured, and fucking Dave every fucking time. I know. Comes out of left field. I wonder if he's in his apartment going,

no, no. Is he punching himself in the face? Is he pacing? Like, how does he come up with it? I don't know. He's probably some weird process. He probably just sits on the toilet and flip-flops smoking. And comes up.

It's probably something that you wouldn't think of. Anthony Jeselnik would do the same shit too. I never guessed the punchline. And you're trying the whole time. Okay, I got it. Yeah, but I never guess it. No, same. And with him, it is frustrating because Jeselnik is so good. He has a certain pace to his jokes and a certain we're walking here, we're walking here, and the punchline is still coming from where you don't see it coming from. He's great. He's a really, really good...

Who was a good writer? I just saw as I fucked around Ricky Velez I watched Ricky Velez at the Patrice benefit. Oh, yeah, and he was talking and he followed dice who fucking killed Wow, and then Ricky goes on and he's talking about a soup kitchen and depression and all this real shit Yeah, but it was so funny. I'm like this guy is really good because the writing is so good and be killed He followed up with really personal stuff. Yeah, he didn't fucking panic. I

It was good to watch a guy like that. He's not even a young comic anymore. He's been around, but I've known him since he was probably 18 or 19. Yeah. I remember he was just this kid like sprawled out in the fucking back room at the Broadway Comedy Club. Right, right. But yeah, no, it's awesome. It's awesome to see like people just

you know, become who they are. To watch them not panic. Like, to watch a guy in front of 2,500 people following a guy who is a legend and who is really funny, still funny, still funny. Yeah. And to watch this guy just walk up and do his own fucking thing and it works. Yeah. Like, I don't care how long someone's in the game. Like, you watch a guy like that and you're inspired by it. You're like, yeah, man, you just do what you do. Don't ever worry about what the guy in front of you does. Totally, totally, yeah. That Patrice benefit is so fucking funny.

fun because we all do all these little sets all over the city and then to get to do this theater in the middle of Manhattan with these ladies like Bill Burr John Stewart was on that one right yeah yeah so John yeah insane did you close the door in his face I forgot that I had done that I'm but I'm probably even after all this time still too much of a coward to do it to him because it's like hey he's gonna get something soon I know I

Maybe he'll have me on. Sorry. Oh, no. I heard he threw out a couple of R's and F's out there. He did, yes. I love it. All right, let's do it. What about...

How well did he know Patrice's comedy? Because I remember when Geraldo passed away, he did a really nice piece on Geraldo. But I didn't know how familiar John is with Patrice. I don't know, man. I'm sure that by this point... Ricky Gervais loves Patrice. He says he's his favorite comedian. So because of everything in the special and all this material, he might have... A lot of guys just go back and watch stuff.

So I don't know how familiar, but I'm sure he knew his stuff because we were doing Tough Crowd while he was doing The Daily Show. So you couldn't not know Patrice. He was on so often. An Elephant in the Room is... I've never seen the whole thing. Really? No, I was there when he shot some of it. I think I went in between shows to see him, but...

But, um, or I came in, we had the same manager, Jonathan. So I might've stopped. I think he might've been on stage. I don't remember, but it's hard to, I can't really watch his shit. It's too, it's too difficult. But occasionally, yeah, it makes me sad, but I'll watch like an occasional ONA bit or something. I'll listen to him. Like it always makes me laugh. Yeah. Yeah. He was so good off the cuff and his standup was great. Well, according to Will Silvins, he did two hours that night at,

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Elephant in the room. There's so much unreleased stuff, too, that like, would he want that? Would he not want that? Who knows? That's tough. I know. Right. But, hey. If I die and it can make people money in my family, just release it. I don't care. I don't think Patrice would give a fuck. What, are you going to cancel me? Yeah, he loved his mother. They put out the Mr. P album, which is great. Did that have his blessing? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I know Jonathan, who is still my manager. I know that he's careful about that stuff and he's very protective. And he was really good with getting like all these royalties and kind of because Patrice was not the most fucking organized guy with his finances. So Jonathan was good at helping get everything in order and get to his family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. His ONA stuff. I still go back and listen to it. It's great because that's one thing not to blow you.

But you guys added a buddy element to comedy. Comedy was – it always had Edge. You had your Kinnisons, your Dice, your Eddie Murphy. But you guys had that tough crowd group, and I think people love a group. People are like, these are the Rogan guys. These are the L.A. guys. This is the – this crew over here. You guys started the crew thing, I think. Well, it was also as the internet was getting –

Like all these things kind of got passed around in a different way too. So like this just shitting on each other. And then Colin managed to turn it into a TV show. Right. And we would do it all the time. And then just coming on Opie and Anthony, even the first version of that, which was on NEW in the afternoon, playing each other's old tapes. Oh. And they crucified me. My old stand-up from 93 was so bad. Who was in the room? It was Colin. That's brutal. It was Voss.

Patrice might have been there and Paul Mercurio, I think. I don't remember who was there. I want to say it was Colin, Patrice, and Voss. And then just having yourself crucified like that on the radio. It was humiliating. I can't imagine. Colin's like, oh, I can't even look at it. But it could make you fearless at a certain point because you're like, what else can they fucking do? Yeah. It's only...

It's almost like 8 Mile when he just kills himself. What else? When you get used to – one advantage to that, like we were just friends shitting on each other. That's all it was. But when you are used to being called out on everything by guys who are legitimately funny, Bill Burr and fucking – and Colin. These guys are ruthless when they call you out. Bobby is a mean fuck. Bobby Kelly is a fucking – you know what? And he catches himself. But these guys calling you out on stuff –

you knew they were right. Like, you know what I mean? Like, taking each other to hack court, which was always... So hack court, from what I've heard, it's you take someone's bit and you break down whether or not it's hack. Whether or not you're a hack. And it was always Keith and Patrice and Kevin. And it was like, nobody was rooting for the other guy. Believe me, you did not have a lot of defenders. It was all like, we want to call you a hacker.

Yeah. But it did make you more aware of like, I have to write good stuff. Because again, you see guys like Colin going on. When Patrice would go on, he was just such a naturally funny person. Right. You feel guilty and like, I'm going to get shit on coming with the same thing every night. I remember being on one night and just doing some weak joke and

and Colin walking through the room and he just went, nice writing, lazy. And he walked out and it made me laugh. I wasn't mad at him and the crowd didn't understand but I knew he was right. It was a fucking shit. Like, you know what I mean? LA, you know, New York, people are different type of fucking level of shit. Sure, sure. And when you have guys that are going to make fun of you, you kind of,

I mean, if a comic did that now, it'd be like front page comedy talk. Gossip, yeah. Yeah, they'd be like, look at this dick going through, talking to her mindset, heckling me, what a piece of shit. Well, also, do you think comics would ever do it to your fucking face? I feel like now it's all on social media. That's true. And now it's like to get...

Right. This person sucks and it's like to get retweets. I hate it. Oh, yeah. There's no kindness behind it. What Colin's doing is actually warm. Oh, yeah. And he knew I could take it and he knew I would gladly yell at him. It was a friend. It was never – Right. There wasn't an ounce of anything shitty. He knew it would make me laugh.

Yeah, but if it was a different thing, he would have started a new Twitter handle anonymously. I would know who it was, though. Hey, mumbling old idiot insulted me. Oh, I see Mark or Joe in the doorway doing this during my set. I fucking laugh every time. Dude, making the fucking stink face at Keith Robinson. I got yelled at for that.

There was a comic and we would do it to each other all the time. Fuck, suck. Like just to try to distract each other. So I was doing it to a comic I knew on stage at the Cellar.

And I'm like, boo, like fucking yeah. And then he saw me at the cell later that night. And he goes, what the fuck was that? Oh, yeah. He exploded on me. Whoa. Like, I was like, he was a bigger guy. I was like, what the fuck? And he goes, you fucking cocksuck, blah, blah, blah. Like, really fucking vicious. Whoa. I was like, I'm sorry, man. Like, I was just having fun with you. Like, I was really, I didn't know what to do because there was no ill intent. Yeah. It turned out, A, we didn't know each other that well, I guess. But he had just quit smoking. Yeah.

And when you quit smoking... I remember I had a big fight with Colin when I quit smoking. I was crying. Oh, wow. Your emotions are fucking crazy. Sure. The male version of being pregnant? Yes, it really is. And I was so upset. And it's like, when you quit smoking, you're a fucking maniac. And he did apologize for that. He's like, I'm sorry, man. I just...

But yeah, some guys didn't take as well. There's always something behind it. It's usually not about this thing. There's always some internal thing going on. Yeah. Cause I didn't mean it. I was just having fun. It was fun telling someone they, I love looking at Marina on stage and just, and knowing they catch your eye and you're just like, well,

Wow, that's the last time I fuck with Ben Bailey. Jeez. No, it wasn't Ben. I think Ben, we all know, is crazy enough to fucking throw you through a window. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've heard stories. Yeah, everybody knows Ben has a fucking, you know. Ben's a great guy, but you know. Yes. It is funny when people try to fuck with your set. I was definitely drunk on stage the other night, and Rachel Feinstein and Liz are in the doorway just doing this my entire set. Ha ha ha.

It's like such a great. It's fourth grade. You're like, all right, that's great. We used to, I remember when Voss was on stage at Caroline's one time and you know, the curtain was pulled to the shock of no one. And me and Florentine were on different sides of the room and like Florentine used to love to start groans. So like Voss is on and, and, and I'm on one side and Jim is on the other, but it was Jim's thing. And he would go like, Oh,

Oh, I bet you hear people groaning. And it was so, we ruined his whole set. 40 minutes of it. And Vosha's going, what the fuck? And he's snapping at the audience and it really wrecked his set. And he had no idea that it was coming from us. That was satisfying. That's great. Yeah. And he's an easy guy to groan at. Yeah. Oh, he is. Yeah. Cause he's offensive. Is it awful? Who knows? Right. Either. Both. I'm just going to get the fedora. When I was a young comic, I did a bringer show at Caroline's and my mom came and a

I fucking sucked. But my mom saw Rich Voss and he said to a woman, lady, you're a two on a Tuesday. And my mom turned to me, she goes, he's repulsive. Ah!

Here's why he's repulsive. Because he used the syllable two on a Tuesday. That's why he's repulsive. Lady, you're a three on a Tuesday. It's funnier. Two on a Tuesday sounds like you got caught up in your word economy. Right, right. Two, two, yeah. It doesn't sound right. No. It's just an insane thing that you go to a comedy club, you get done up, and Rich Voss goes, you're a two on a Tuesday. Yeah, I mean. Hilarious. Well, had the woman heckled him or something? She probably said something he didn't like. Probably. But, I mean, I was laughing. But, yeah, it's.

I did a country club gig at like a rich hoity-toity Long Island country club. And it was me, Voss, Jessica Kirsten, and somebody else. And everybody, I had to go first. I ate shit. I died. These people weren't having it.

Kirsten goes up, murders, and then Vos was last. I was like, how's he going to do this? He annihilated it. He trashed everybody in the room, and they loved it. He did it sitting on a stool. He has a crazy – because Vos is so – his thinking is so – Vos will butcher a word. He'll say the dumbest shit. But he's like, great minds think a lot.

There's no irony. He just doesn't have the expression. But his mind, there's such a genius to the way his mind works. And he'll just sit there and it's so confident. He fucking murders people like that. Where you think he can't follow people or whatever, he slows them. Todd Barry I admire too because Todd will always...

talk at his own pace. He never changed and he brings people in. And that's what Voss does. He has the ability to do that. I panic. They couldn't be more different, but yeah, you're totally right. And Voss, the quickness. I remember at the roast, Colin called him the master of the counterpunch. Holy shit. So true. That is Voss. Yeah, he is. And he can get beaten up for a long... It's fun, by the way, when guys like that are murdering you. Like when you walk in, like the worst would be when you would walk in and you'd hear like, ha! And

And Keith was already laughing before you got in. And you're like, I know I'm going to get attacked. But having funny people just attack you, it's fun. It would make me laugh that these guys who are so good at being mean are shitting on me. You cannot enjoy that. I was walking around the corner last night from the McDougal room to the Village Underground room on my phone sending an email. And I just hear, look up, stupid. And it's Keith on a cane walking by me.

I'm like, he just, he'll never say it's amazing. He'll never stop. I love it. He also never complains to Keith is Keith. I've never met a person who complained more when they were healthy and less when they weren't fucking amazing. Keith never feel sorry for himself. Right. Never complained. He does his material. He's like, I'm an asshole. I deserve it. Like,

Keith is a really interesting guy. The fact that he... His material is so fucking funny. His new shit is insane. It's crazy, yeah. It's so funny. And he's unbreakable, like with you being teased and made fun of. You say anything to him, he doesn't care. Yeah, he'll laugh at any... You call him the N-word, he would just laugh. Try it. Let me know how that worked. I bet he would. I bet he'd go, what up?

I remember I had just seen 12 Years a Slave and I was sitting down at the table with Keith and I was like, oh, it was excellent. He goes, shut the fuck up. I was like, oh yeah, you shouldn't describe that movie as excellent to a black man.

It was a good movie. It was good. But I still shouldn't have said it that way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Keith will call you out on it. But the guy – we would always talk about – those guys were never sensitive to it. No, no. They knew where it was coming from. You're just having a conversation about what gets people in trouble. And there was never any like, hey, watch what you say to Keith or Patrice or Kevin. Those guys didn't care. We were at the Cellar one time and it was like a headline news. This black guy was shot in Philly. And we were all like talking about it, kind of tiptoeing. And Keith goes, what'd he do? And so –

I said the story. He's like, he deserved it. You're like, okay, there you go. Keith approves. But everyone else was like, no, he's the victim, whatever. But he was just like, nah, nah, fuck that guy. Yeah, I've been with Keith when the police bothered us. I dropped him and Patrice. It might have been him, Patrice, and Kevin. They lived in Woodbridge together at the time, I think. So I drove them, and it was just me and those three in a parking lot. We were just talking. And a cop.

Pulled up And wants What are you guys doing here So I'm being And Keith goes Ah we're just talking And I'm like Dude will you fucking shut up Yeah right Immediately confrontational Immediately Wow Yeah I mean Keith was He's raised in a very Tough Philly area Sure So he did not get along With the police But I've seen it first hand How fast he went from zero Like funny Keith Was out the window And it was What the fuck Do you guys want Interesting Yeah

which I groveled and talked my way out of a problem, but I was like, fucking come on, man. What are you doing? I don't know if you know this, but for my audition at the Cellar, I had to follow you. Did you? Yeah, and it was 2013. It was the height of the radio show. So you got a huge pop, and people were yelling stuff at you, like inside jokes and all that. I was fucking trembling on the side of the stage.

And then a girl walked by, and she was super hot, and she had huge boobs. And you were in the middle of a bit, and you were like, whoa, what's your name, sister? And she's like, I'm Sheila. And you're like, I'm going to fuck Sheila in the bathroom. And you're killing with all this shit. And I was just going up there with my dumb jokes. I was terrified. Well, obviously, you killed. Look at you now. I mean, you fucking got in at the cellar, and you're selling out theaters. Well, I remember that night, by the way, because Mark was fucking –

You called me before the audition. I was terrified. And Mark is not a caller. He's a texter. So I'm like, fuck, Mark's calling me. What is he calling about? And then I remember I was playing a shithole in Somerville, South Carolina. I remember that week. Wow. Wow.

I've never even heard of that town. Yeah, it ain't good. Damn. But yeah, I remember that night. Yeah, and the only reason I got over on the audience, because they were still buzzing from your set, I just said, well, I was dating Sheila until a minute ago. And that saved me. If I didn't have that riff, I wouldn't have gotten in. That's hilarious. It's funny, though. But it was a risk.

It was a risk. She used to audition people. I think when I auditioned there, it was on a... I got in at the Cellar Dangerfields on the same day. Rick Dorfman was my manager at the time. He worked for Caroline's. And this is before he went out on his own. And I think... I don't know who you'd have to follow, but she would put you on after Angel Salazar. Oh, he kills. And he would fucking...

Annihilate on a late show Friday Like it wasn't a lot of times I think now it's earlier But back then There was only a couple of shows So you would go on A lot of times On the late show Friday Yeah And it was rough But I And that's the The worst show Always Oh yeah Yeah they're drunker They're tired But you had to do well to But there were less spots there Anyway You know what I mean There was X amount of spots And then food spots Right Um

Which, you know, I did for years. You just get paid in a meal. Was the cellar the cellar then or was it just a club? No, it was a club. I mean, it was the cellar, but it was half sold on a Monday. Wow. One long show started at like 9 p.m. And I did food spots for years and Noam saw me once and he goes, he should be on regular paid spots.

So they gave me a paid spot, but I bombed. I was right back to food spots for a while. What does that mean? You get a free meal and not a paycheck? You get 10 – yeah, it would happen – like 11 or 12, it would switch to 20-minute paid spots to 10-minute food spots. And everybody, like myself, Ruspaneve, Judah, all those guys would just do 10 minutes and you get paid in a full meal. Damn. Because that's when you want to eat, midnight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you went earlier. Russ Meneve would always eat for six people. He was amazing. I heard that. Watching that compulsive idiot fucking shuffle. It was inspirational. Like, Russ is getting his fucking money's worth. But it made you better. Yeah. Because you had to be funny or you wouldn't get spots anymore. CB's where we got free meal. Oh, man. That was good food. That was great food. I remember...

Wayne Rader. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. I remember him. He was pocketing a lot of that money. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was interesting. Now, what do you think about this? And feel free to kick me in the balls here. You get a free meal every show. And the food was incredible. It was like chicken marsala. It was like high-end shit. We're all poor. So this was like a big deal. Yes. So I had just eaten, and I got the free meal ticket or whatever. And I said, I'm going to come back tomorrow and cash this in. So I came back tomorrow, and they're like, you don't get a free meal. The day's over. I'm like, but I did the set.

So what do you think here? I think that you're broke at that time. I think they should have given you the free mail, but never allowed you to come back in again. I think they should have given you a meal and said take it to go. Yeah, I mean a free mail for a guy. You never forget the places that fuck you like that that won't feed you. I know. It was a fight. I brought a date there on New Year's. Oh.

What did you see, dude? Where was that? It was on the corner of McDougal and Bleecker. Yeah, and I bombed in front of her, but then we ate a good meal. Oh, there you go. Did you fuck your date? Yeah, we were dating. Oh, it wasn't just the first. Is there anything worse than when you bring a girl to a fucking show? Been there. And you go up there and you fucking, oh, you shit the bed. I brought a girl. I was currently fucking. She was a cute blonde, and she loved the fact that I was a stand-up. I turned her on, and I brought her to a show, and I ate shit, and she never fucked me again.

Oh, yeah. Did she say anything about it? She was just like, well, you got to get out of here, you know? I was like, well, the crowd was tough. I tried some new stuff. She was like, all right. She was already in a cab. Yeah, that's the worst because like a lot of times, any girl that's ever fucked me, it's never a fucking physical. It's always like a personality thing or the thing about being a stand-up. Right. When they see you bomb, it's like the little bit of mojo you had is gone. Exactly. And I see you for what you are. Yeah. Man, we get shit for being like, oh, she's too heavy or whatever, but if they see me bomb-

It's over. I'm a fat chick. The worst I'm doing, the more my side fat and tits are visible. Yes, yes. Fitzsimmons has that great thing where he's like, after a good set, you're a superhero for three hours. But once that three hours goes away, if you don't hook up with the girl within that time or get back to her place or whatever it is, it starts fizzling. You're a superhero at that location. Yes, yes. You take them to another location. Those powers don't work. You're Clark Kent. Yeah.

Yeah, you got to rope her into your thing. Like, she has to like you by the time that time is up. Right. Then when you go out, then she's like, oh, okay, I already like this guy. And, you know, the first impression was a good first impression. Yeah. Well, what are you, 68? I'm 54. 54. I will be 68, hopefully. Keep taking that prep.

By the way, the fact that I gave you a little... This is why I should be drummed out of show business. The fact that you're riffing and I go, no, I'm 54. Shut up, you fucking weak-chinned idiot. But are you getting the ladies like, oh, I like older men. This is hot. Yes, my age group is a no-go. I think there's a lot of ladies who are into the... From my end, it's a no-go. Not that I'm going to fuck anyone who can get pregnant anyway at this point in my life.

No, yeah, I tend to date young. I have a girlfriend. I've had a girlfriend for a while. It's weird not... And you're living together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a big step. It is, yeah, and I like it. I mean, it's like... See, the other shit, even when I'm single, if I'm not fucking a lot of girls, you jerk me off, you watch me porn. It's endless. It's an endless cycle of dopamine that makes you feel bad when you're done. So I actually like it. It's good to come and not be sad. That's true. Well, I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. I mean, I come and then all of a sudden she'll take the rope off her neck and get down from the stool. Put it on your neck. Thanks for the visual. Then you come. Yeah, no, I, the sex is, but it becomes, I like being a little domestic because I would never have been. It's the first time I've ever lived with anybody. It's the first time I've ever done this stuff. Wow.

Like when I was 53 it started. So I was like, yeah, I like it. I like – I've done every other angle and being alone. This is the first time you've lived with someone. Never did it before. Wow. Never. That's impressive you made it that long. I know. But it's like now I'm – all these things. I'm like my life is a hack 80s set.

Like, you know what I mean? You hold the purse on the wall. Like, all the stuff I never did, I'm doing now. So I like it, though. It makes me feel human. Yeah. Like, you cook together, all that stuff. Yeah, yeah. She'll cook, like, fresh fish and stuff. And I just, like, I'm so happy she's there. Yeah. I'm like, I really love her. And I'm like, I'm happy she's at my place. Like, if this wants it a while, you're like, fuck, I would love to. But then, like...

that stuff always made me feel bad. Yeah, exactly. And the head games of like, she didn't respond or maybe I'm being too annoying or whatever and you're just worrying about what she's thinking and if she likes you still, all that shit drives me crazy. It's an addiction. The dating stuff when you're on those apps and stuff, you're just like, this is a fucking... And then you...

You're not satisfied. You want to meet someone else. It's never-ending. Completely. Carlin had a thing. He talked about people taking different vehicles on trips. But he said, too many choices, America. It's not healthy. Yes. And he was so right. It's not healthy for me when I can just swipe or look online. It's like there's no...

There's nothing invested in any of this. It's just a moment, a moment, a moment, and then you're just alone. I mean, how many times do you sift through Netflix for like two hours? You never even picked anything. You just kept sifting, and then you're done. You're like, I got to go to bed. That's a great point. TV, you had cable, and you were like, this is...

Casino's on. I'm watching it. We were watching something recently where the, God, it was some, it was, I was watching this movie, really good movie, by the way. Good rec. If you haven't seen it, blow out the De Palma movie. is that with John Travolta, Nancy Allen? Yeah. Really good movie. I'd never seen it, but, uh,

Anyway, there's a local newscaster, and he's like, my show gets 8 million viewers. And you're like, a local news show that gets 8 million viewers? Like, people didn't have options. Exactly. And that's kind of good. It was better. Because you know what? When it's shit on TV, you watch less TV. That's right. Yeah. And now when you can do anything, like...

Mark and I were talking about this when we were walking over here. We were just like, holy shit, the amount of shit on TikTok right now, the amount of options, the fact that it knows you, you just – it is crack. Yeah. It is so hard. It's hard for us adults to get off it. Like I can't imagine what it's like for kids. Oh, my god. I know.

I know my lady is younger than me and I'll go to the bathroom and I can tell she's like, oh, I can look at TikTok for three minutes or whatever, two minutes. And I'm like, geez, that's an addiction. It's hard not to because there's really interesting stuff, too. It's like a lot of it is shit, but a lot of it is like I'm watching pilots in turbulence. I'm like, I've never been able to see that. I want to see what it looks like in the fucking time. I want to watch a guy climbing a building with no harness. Yeah. All those like urban climbers. There's a lot of shit that's interesting to watch. Well, you're going wholesome.

I thought your TikTok would be a lot crazier. I don't have TikTok. I took it off the phone. TikTok is wholesome though. Is it? I got 13-year-old camel toe twerking. Really? In yoga pants.

We got different Alagos. You know, I just didn't like TikTok. They said that, like, it got too much of your information. I'm just like, eh. You don't need it. Yeah, it's not my thing anyway. I don't do great on social media. Democrats and Republicans are, like, this is, like, the one issue they're coming together on to destroy TikTok. That's true. Only because it's Chinese and they think that the Chinese government is using it. Here's what will happen with TikTok. They'd be dumb if they were using it.

Of course they would. The American, the Chinese government will remove its interest or ability to check it and then it will stay. They're not going to take it off the apps. I don't think so. Really? I don't care if they do. I'm not on it, so I don't care. Well, it's funny because they're acting like Facebook and all this shit isn't doing the same thing. They're all taking the data. I know, but it's our country taking the data. It's American and they probably can monitor it easier. The regulations for American companies is probably different than in communist China. It's probably harder to get information.

And then the irony is China only allows you to use TikTok for like two hours a day. Does it really? Yeah, they have a governor on it and we don't. And it's their app. And they're probably like...

If they wanted to, you could make us look at anti-American shit probably more than anything else. True. And it's young people on there. True. They probably have more algorithm control. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I just can't do it. I'll look once in a while on Instagram, but I'm like, yeah, I like the camel toe stuff too, or I'll see workout video. But I'm like, ugh.

This is just awful. On the road, it's bad, though. The last time I'm trying not to jerk off, and the last time I was on the road, I was a fucking... It was just literally all three days. Yeah. Hours of jerking off. Doesn't that suck when you're like, all right, and then you're just like, no, I'm just going to jerk off. Yeah. I don't write. I type with my left hand. There's a difference. Because my girlfriend wasn't with me. Yeah. But I got to a point recently where I'd wait for her to fall asleep and just sit in the other room and fucking...

I do that too. It's like what a married guy does. You know what I mean? You're like, ah, this is what my life is. I know. It's like your mom again. You're like, oh, I can't let her find out. You're hiding socks. Oh, I thought you were going to say, I have to hope she walks in.

I got to ask you about one of your specials where you have De Niro in the intro. That's insane. You had fucking Robert De Niro in the intro. It was one of your Netflix shows, right? Yeah, it was the one Netflix. Yeah, I did the other ones I did for Epix and HBO. But yeah, I got into this thing where I would get people I love to intro me.

I had Ozzy do it one year. Wow. You had Michael K. Williams from The Wire. Michael K. Williams, yeah. That got one of the biggest pops ever because my face – everybody knew I was obsessed with Omar from The Wire and we finally interviewed him. And it started with my face and tape on my mouth and then the people saw him lean in. And then he said something and he just licked my head and the place went fucking – Wow.

Wow. So that was a highlight. But De Niro – How did you approach him for that? I texted him. I asked him. I asked Michael. I knew him. So I – we interviewed him finally at Opie and Anthony, and he recognized me from Lucky Louie. Oh, wow. And then I would see him occasionally after that, and we traded numbers. And I just texted him and said, would you do it? He goes, yeah, I would. And he didn't ask for the script. I also –

With De Niro, I didn't show him the full script either. I had written to his people years before that because I wanted De Niro to introduce me. And I never heard back. But then I worked on that movie, The Comedian, with him. And Taylor Hackford, who was the director...

Cuz I didn't ask for any extra money when I helped with certain jokes. I was fine with it And he goes well Bob really likes you you could just ask him Wow Because I've had meetings with Taylor and De Niro just talking about stand-up whatever so bizarre Yeah, I was so scared that I wasn't scared. It was like wow It was just me De Niro and fucking Taylor Hackford sitting having coffee talking. They're both awesome I've heard yeah, I mean Taylor was was great to me. He can be very tough. Um

But he loved me because I would just throw out joke ideas and we just clicked for some reason. So I think he helped pave the way with that. And I asked – I sent a message to De Niro through his PayPal and they wrote back, Bob would love to do this for you. Wow. I couldn't fucking believe it. But I wanted De Niro to spank me, but I kept that out of the thing. And I think that when I sat down with him in his office –

Because his assistant said, hey, why don't we get everybody out and just let Jim and Bob talk about what this is going to be? And he's amazing because he's like, what do you want me to do? Like you're directing him. You're telling him what you want. And I told him and I got this can be a thing where you spank me. I go, but I brought like I brought like a brush for you. I don't care. I'm like, good. Remember, you said that because I'm like, I'm going to drop my fucking pants over your lap.

So we're doing the scene and he's slapping me. And he goes, you want me to miss you? I'm like, no, hit me. And so he hit me lightly. And I'm like, no, you should really. You're like Dunaway in Chinatown. I'm like, well, like him in fucking Raging Bull. Come on, hit me harder. Right. But I told him to really hit me. And he did. He slapped the fuck out of me and it hurt. And then when he spanked me, I pulled my pants down, got over his lap and he spanked me. But then he goes, let's do one where we're standing.

And that was the one we wound up using. He just knew how that would play on camera. And he fucking, it was so, it murdered on the special. But that was, yeah, I was very lucky. I also, Gervais and Louis were in that opening too. Louis was the hardest one to get. Louis was the busiest. And he was the last one I finally shot. Wow. But yeah, Ricky did it. And then Louis and then De Niro was like at the end. But yeah, I'll never top that. Yeah.

Yeah, it's got to be hard to do a special after that because that's so big. It's hard to follow it. Yeah, I'll probably – I mean I'm ready to shoot something now, but I'll probably just YouTube it and do very poorly and have to have everybody see how poorly the numbers are doing. No, we'll all push the hell out of it. But I'll never top that. I'll never get – No, that's insane. And that was – was that the Netflix one where you did like that one crowd work moment in there? Yeah.

I think so, yeah. Somebody said something and I just kept it. I just liked it. I don't remember what it was. I remember you did that and I remember like, wow, not a lot of specials do this and I kind of liked it, you know? Yeah, I think they wanted me even to not do it, but I just liked that moment. I don't remember why. Um...

I don't remember why that stayed in. I have no idea. But I never mind leaving that stuff. No, leave it in. Because that's the stuff that catches now. That's the stuff people talk about is that crowd work moment. Yeah. I mean, I guess it was a good special, but I don't watch any of them back once they're finished. You know how it is. You guys understand. You watch it once while you're editing and you're done. Yeah.

And then I'm like, but that opening I would watch again like that. I feel really. That was awesome. Yeah. Stand up is hard for me to watch in general at this point. Like I back in the day, I would watch specials all the time. I feel like Mark still does. I try. I try to. I just I like the beginning to me. I'm like, let me see how they set this special up and what they do different, what room it's in. But yeah, it's tough to watch a full hour like Big J's got one to just hit a million. Yeah. And I think Big J is hilarious. So I watched.

most of that one. Kinane has a new one that's incredible. Might be his best work, Kyle Kinane. Check that out. So there's a lot of good comedy, but there might be too many specials. There's a special every 10 seconds. I know. I don't watch them because I'm just terrified of... I have to know where a joke came from. People accuse me. They said I took something from Norm. It was something very similar we had done in our specials, apparently.

But I shot my special first and I didn't see Norm do stand-up. So I knew exactly where this came from. Like I knew where this bit came from because I remember when it started in my real life. But if I don't know where it comes from and it's something similar, I will drop it. Like, you know what I mean? But I always have to know. So if I watched a lot of stand-up, I wouldn't know where it came from. But I have to be able to trace back where a joke came from. I feel similarly. And even if you do come up with it.

on your own, there's such a thing as parallel thinking. Yeah, of course. I mean, that actually happened to me with a Norm bit that I actually didn't know. Really? Yeah, what my mom said to me about Epstein, the worst part is that he's a Jew. And I didn't know that was a Norm. The Cosby. Yeah, I didn't know that until I posted it. I was like, oh, I pulled it, you know?

And I hate when people go, like, this is where people who are not stamps go, it's like, you took that. It's like, no. There are thieves. But we kind of know who the thieves and concept stealers are. Like, most comics are going to step on each other's dicks going for a topical joke once in a while. It happens. How many angles are there? I mean, especially, like...

That's why a lot of us will steer clear of a Trump thing. You're like, oh my God, how many fucking angles were there? Yeah, I don't watch people. I do a whole thing about Trump and how his hair is perfect. I'm hoping nobody stepped on that. But yeah. I like it. You'd think the late night guys would get on board with this. I watch Colbert, then you watch Seth Meyers, then you watch Trevor Noah, then you watch whatever. And it's all the same Trump stuff. You're like, come on.

You guys are all on at the same time. That's why. I mean, I happen to love Greg Gutfeld because he's been good to me for years. And I love the fact that he's beating all of them only because it's a different angle. It's like it's not the same angle they're all coming from. If those guys would switch it up, they would do great again. I know. Exactly. And now Fallon's doing politics. You're like, you're not that guy. What are you doing? You're the ping.

pong guy or the lip sync guy he's doing politics yeah a lot of politics up top don't let it come from the same angle like carson would shit on every you never really knew where he stood on because he was just making fun of all of them that's it right you don't have to you don't need this that's not a friend of comedy you're fucking i agree in the setup when people are clapping in the setup you've got yourself a fucking problem dead in the water and that's like

That's a lot of what it is now. It's not even a joke. It's like a pander. Yeah, it's agreeance comedy. Yeah, I don't need people... I would much rather have them...

Not agree with me but think the punchline is so good they laugh. Like I like doing pro-Trump stuff and pointing out why I think people who don't like him, what's wrong with you? Like I like doing that in New York because I feel them fucking holding back and I know where I'm going with it and I know how satisfying it's going to be when they hear it and they just go, fuck it, that's funny and they laugh. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's comedy. I don't need them to agree with me. A reluctant laugh is worth more.

Oh, yeah. It's way better, way more impressive, too. But I did a Trump arraignment joke. I'm like, you know, he might go to jail. And the audience started applauding. And I was like, well, this is over. This is fucked. Yeah, because I don't need them to. But again, they've been kind of taught that that's a good thing. I know. They're all signaling to each other. I'm good. Are you good? Yeah, we're all good. Yeah, we're heroes. There's fear. Yeah, but I don't. It's thank God I don't get it on the road. But I do feel it sometimes in the city where they're just definitely in the city. Yeah. Yeah.

But the other shit happens on the road. Like, I fucking hate—I don't care if people make fun of trans people, but I hate, like, the legislation, the anti-gay shit. It drives me fucking crazy. So I was mocking it, like, in Texas. I'm like, in here, where the pro-abortion stuff is probably not going to do as well. Like, you know where you are, the stuff that's going to make them go—

until they hear the punchline. You know what I mean? It's just the total opposite there than it is here. But people who think that they're so free-thinking, you fucking Texans, you're as awful as New Yorkers are. I know, it's me. And vice versa. You're the same fucking people. Same people. Stop thinking you're such free-thinkers, dummies, because you just get upset at different things. Take that out. I've got to go to Texas.

It's very paint by numbers, too. Like this group's going to get mad about this, this, this topic. And this group's going to get mad about this, this, this topic. And they think they're so different, but it's just the same side of a different coin. Yeah, there's certain parts of my new hour that I feel pushed back in different parts of the country. And I'm like, maybe that's good. Maybe that's good. Yeah, you're not making everybody happy. Right.

Yeah. I'll read a Bill Burr, like I'll look at a YouTube and you read his comments like, this fucking libtard pussy, he's lost his age. And the next one's like, oh, this alt-right piece of shit. And you're like, all right, they don't even know where he's at. It is funny when you do a joke and people both politically come at you and either think you're on their side. Like, because of what Carlin talked about free speech, a lot of conservatives are like, this is the guy. Right. Yeah, watch the rest of the hour. And it's like, do you not know that he would have had...

hated your stance on gays and abortions and everything else. But that's the brilliance of Carlin is that literally people from every thought, you know, any political ideology are sharing his clips like, see? That's true. And you're like,

I don't know. I mean, but that's when you're that good an entertainer and it's that well-written. I mean, but Carlin would kill for everybody. He would. And he was also he was he was so good because he was talking about the people in the room like those were a lot of his fans. But he wouldn't say you. He would just talk about people and they would laugh and half of them were bankers or whatever he was talking about. But it was so they were able to laugh at themselves. Yeah, I know. And that's like and that's.

That's great that you could actually make someone laugh at themselves. And you're doing it without being like, you fucking kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I went to one of his special tapings in – Really? Before I did stand-up. It's like 1989. Wow. I was going to start comedy, and I wound up going to something – the second one he shot at the State Theater in New Jersey. Yeah.

And you could see me in the special in like the third row and some of the angles. It's hard, but I'm sitting there. I have like a little turtleneck and I think a chain. And it was like 89. So after the show, I wanted to meet him. So I walk up and I'm like, hey, I'm a comedian. I lied. I'm like, can I meet George? Like, he's not meeting anybody. I'm like, I'm a comedian. The guy's like,

All right. Wow. Brought me backstage and I got to go upstairs and meet Carlin. And he was – again, he signed my fucking ticket stub and he was very nice. You know what I mean? He gave me – I forget what advice he gave me. I think I asked him something about his wife being sober. But he was nice. He worked the whole room. He talked to everybody. But yeah, it was –

I was very happy to meet him. That's amazing that that's the password. It worked. I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. Yeah, but it doesn't work with everything. No. Try that at the fucking garden to meet Sabbath or one of the Knicks. I'm a basketball player. Get the fuck out of here.

I met Carlin, too, and he gave me a little razzling, and it met the world to me. What did he say about you? I took off work. I skipped work, and he was at Borders Books on Wall Street signing shit, and I waited in line like an idiot with all the other people, and I was watching everyone go up to him. He's sitting there at a table, and they're going like, I loved you in Jersey Girl. I love you in Bill and Ted. I love you in this, and I was like, ah. So I was like, I'm going to be the stand-up guy. Yeah.

So I go up and I had brain droppings and all these books. I looked like a real dweeb. And I go up there and I go, hey, George, big fan. I love back in town. I love jamming in New York. And I'm dropping all these special names on him. And he's like, you're a comedian? And I go, yeah. He goes, you sound like a comedian. I go, oh, thanks. He goes, you got a real talent for jacking around. I'm still not sure what that means, but I'll take it.

And we got a photo. Oh, you did take one? Oh, it's on my wall framed. Yeah. Yeah, I got one with him two years later. I will always love Colin for this. When he did Tough Crowd, I got to do it with him. I got to be in the sketch. I wasn't supposed to be in the sketch. It was Colin and Colin as priests. And then Colin goes at the end, we want you to dress like an altar boy and break the fourth wall and ask Colin to sign a record. Oh.

So I interrupted the sketch and asked him to sign, and he called me a cocksucking motherfucker. Wow. And the thing was, he goes, I said, I love your seven dirty words. He goes, yeah, that you can't say on television. He goes, here's seven more dirty words you'll never hear on television. Welcome to the Jim Norton show, everybody. Wow. Seven more things you'll never hear. Yeah, so that was the highlight of my tough crowd time. And Jerry was on once too, I believe. Yeah, I just found photos. I did a...

It was Seinfeld. I was on once with him, but this was in, I think, 2002 when they were... It was eight episodes or whatever before they knew if it was going to go. The first one was Janine and I think...

I forget who else was on that one had Jerry and somebody else might've been Sarah. I don't remember. Yeah. But I did that with that with, with Seinfeld boss and somebody else. And I was very nervous. It's crazy watching those. Cause there's like a young Kevin Hart and he's getting trashed and now he's the biggest. And then there was a young, uh, he still would get trashed. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's the beauty of it. And then a young Chappelle. And you can see, they don't have like this glow of like super fan, uh, super stardom yet, but it's so fun to see him. I mean,

They were young comics. They were hungry. Dave was already famous, though. I remember we saw him. We were going to Comedy Central to do some meeting, and he was getting on the elevator talking about this new show he was working on. He was just starting up with Chappelle's show, but he was known by that. Dave was already well-known. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People, I think the Nutty Professor. Probably the Gilman Softly. Right, right. Oh, man, he's so fucking good in Nutty Professor. Oh, we'd be shopping. That scene is hilarious. Amazing. Eddie Murphy, that's an underrated... I mean, just that performance is fucking insane by Eddie Murphy. It's like...

It's insane. Oh, yeah. That was the Hercules. Yeah. All the fat suits. Ridiculous. Yeah, he played the mom, the son, the brother. Incredible. Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, like when they would promote. Oh, dude. That was so, yeah. Young Chappelle. He'd done a decent, he did that movie with Norm, too. Oh, yeah. That's right. He's been in some stuff. What was the movie? Screwed, I think it's called. Yeah, I think that's it. I think you got it. Screwed. Yeah.

Norm started – I never knew Norm that well, but he started – we started talking after Shane got in trouble, and he was really fucking upset about Shane. He would call Shane. Yeah, he started DMing me. He wanted Shane to come on our show, but Shane was like waiting to do his own thing, which was smart because it blew up his podcast. Perfect, perfect playbook.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Norm was really bothered by how much shit he was getting and that SNL had been destroyed for him. But it worked out better for Shane. He's more famous now than he would have been. Sure. I think Shane would have blown up on SNL too. Oh, I'm sure. But I mean, he had this thing now where people like this guy absolutely got fucked. And now we're going to see what he had. And he's great. Even the Times had to admit how funny. You know how fucking hard that must have been for them to write that article?

That's a good point After they completely agree Probably with him getting fired Yeah To have to admit This guy shouldn't have been fired I've seen comics Walk up to him I'm not gonna name names But they're like I shit on you sorry And I'm like yes Good for them for admitting it Yeah Did they apologize? Yeah I mean cause I definitely remember When I was getting trashed And like you know For a joke I remember people Trashing me Really? Really Alright well I want a list Yeah but you remember Who it was Yeah And you'll never forget No of course not Like 9-11 That's right

Yeah, you never forget the guys who fucking treated you like shit. I've had good success. The first guys to be nice to me in the city were Marc Maron, Louis, and Colin. Wow. All those guys. And they were established by that point. But in New York, they were the guys who weren't insecure about me taking their spot. Yes. Like, you know, a lot of comics in my, you know, anytime you meet guys in your area, they're worried or they're just like, you're the new guy. But those guys didn't give a fuck. They knew I wasn't going to do anything to hurt what they were doing. I've seen that trend. The funny guys are never the meanest. Yeah.

It's always the, you know, shaky comics. The marginal guys will try to sabotage you because they, deep down, even if they're arrogant and narcissistic, they know that they're kind of frauds. Those guys knew that they weren't like, you know, Colin, no one's taking Colin or Louie's or fucking Marc Maron's spot. But Maron, I feel like, was underrated back then. Was he? Was he not? I feel like, I mean, I feel like Louie probably got more shine. Colin, obviously, had the TV show. But Maron, I feel like...

I remember he told me once, he's like, I did like 37 Conan's and I couldn't sell a fucking ticket on the road. That's right. Yeah. I remember being kicked off the radio and being in Florida listening to Mark on, it was, I think it was called Morning's Edition, like Morning's Sedition, when he had like the Air America show and I was so jealous. But back then people didn't, the podcast blew him up.

obviously. Right, right. And he's a good actor, so he does like... He is. But he's a great interviewer. Like, he's a good talker. Yeah. He's comfortable. He can keep it going for two hours. Like, so that podcast, he used to do that in our studio. When that started, he would come into Sirius and like use an Opie and Anthony studio or production studio to do his podcast in. I didn't know that. No, but I'm not saying it was our doing. It was just one of the places he would...

he would tape. But yeah, back then people didn't really, comedians respected him though. Comics always respected Mark. He was like, among us, he was,

Like he had a show called Nevermind the Buzzcocks, which I did with Coolio and the woman who sang in Berlin. Take my breath away. It was a very bizarre fucking, very bizarre panel. A lot of range. And you, I heard your interview with him and he had a lot of respect for you. It was a good interview. Oh, I don't remember. I mean, it was on his, he's always been very cool to me. Like I love Mark. I know a lot of guys didn't, they thought he was aloof or whatever, but it's because he was kind of,

You always knew where you stood with him. Like he was kind of, again, emotionally honest. Right. He was a blunt guy. But it's weird. There's always going to be heads bumping. Like I remember listening to some radio show where Geraldo and Patrice, Patrice was like, I hated you for a while and now we're cool. But if I saw you, I wanted to fight you. And Geraldo was like, really? I didn't even know that. He's like, oh, yeah, I hated you. And you're like, man, no matter what time or what level you're at, there's always some beef.

Yeah, there's always a guy that reads something wrong or it's jealousy or whatever the fuck that you just like, I don't – there's people I just don't like. And sometimes I don't know why I don't like them. I love Rosebud because there was somebody she didn't like and there's a bunch of us just sitting there. And when the person likes, she's like, I don't fucking like him. And I'm like the fact that she said it to all – like she didn't care if any of us. I really like that. She's very blunt. Yeah, we had her on. She's great. Yeah, she is. She's to the point. There's something – yeah, there's –

Something about having beef, though, when you get to a certain age where you're like, this is fucking exhausting. I know. What are we doing here? Yeah. I had a weird thing with a guy, and I just texted him. I was like, what are we doing? And it was kind of like we kind of squashed. Was he a comedian? Yeah. But I was like, what are we doing? And it's fine now. But you get to an age where you're like, I don't want to fucking dread running into an adult.

I know. This is so stupid. So stupid. This is such a fun fucking gig. There's enough problems without worrying about bumping into another car. It's just annoying. I don't want to worry about shit that isn't new jokes. Yes. I don't want to worry about shit that isn't the job. And then you think about, you're like, oh, this is going to take up a part of

you know, any part of my mind for tonight, I don't want to deal with it. I completely agree. Yeah. Do you avoid eye contact? Do you not say hello? What are you like? I found out there was a guy within the last two years, a year, somebody told me like, yeah, he was shitting on your set while you were on. And I really want to call him out on it. Um, like, like I, what are you fucking, you think you're a brilliant joke, right? Are you idiots? Um, but I, I'm like, ah, it was told to me kind of in confidence. And I'm like, and,

And what are you going to gain by confronting him? Yeah. I apologize. It's all arrogant. I mean, how bad was it? Not terrible, but like misreading –

The point I was making, like, I hate when... And it was a seller set. It was, yeah. It's also a workout set, and you've earned enough respect to be like, let him fucking... Let me find him. Let him find him. Somebody who didn't like the angle I was taking because I don't double down on either side, I think he was one of those people that thinks that if you loathe each side that you're afraid to take a stand, which I would love to have had that chat with him.

Yeah. But who cares? I'm afraid to take a stand. I'm trying to be funny. What was his stand shit? What am I, a politician? Exactly. And it wasn't even that. It really wasn't that. It was just, it was annoying his misinterpretation of it and the fact that he said it to another comic. And the other comic told me, which I loved. Yeah. But I've also never, you're never a comic who I've been like, this dude's scared to say something. That's true. No, but it was more like, or maybe he thought it was, hey-

Yeah, I hate when guys – like I don't know. I think that he thought that I was like playing both sides of it. But because I was worried about – and it's like no, I just don't think your fucking hive mentality is brave, dummy. Like we define it differently. Yes. But I would love to have had that argument with him. Yeah. But it just – he didn't say it to me. So I can't betray somebody else's – you know what I mean? I hear you. I'll tell you after this. I bet I know who it is. Yeah, I'll tell you after this. I think I might too after the show. Yeah. Yeah.

Anything you want to plug? Just, when does this air? Probably this weekend now, right? I guess Sunday. Okay. Don't you hate when you're taping with somebody and they're like, look, is this going to be out by 7 tonight? Yeah, I got a bunch of gigs coming up. I'm in Cleveland the 21st, 22nd. I have, what do I have? Hilarities. I got. Oh, Best Club. Great. Isn't it great? That's like my favorite. Nick is the fucking coolest.

I've only done it once. Oh, it's great. That's like top five for me. I love it. Bethlehem, PA, the 19th of May. Wellmont Theater in Jersey, the 20th. And I'm on Bert's tour, 17th to 18th. And I'm doing it of June. I'm in Rogan's Club in July. Oh, nice. But I don't think that's on sale yet. And I'm sure if Joe tweets it, it will hopefully sell. It'll sell, yeah. I hope so.

I'm finally going back out on the road. I was just uninspired for a long time. Thank you guys for having me. I love both of you guys. You guys are so inspirational what you're doing. Seriously, the way you guys are blowing up just using your material. You're not working. You're putting great jokes out and you're forcing people to go, this guy is funny and coming. I love what you guys are both doing. We write a lot because of guys like you, Louis, Colin, Attell, the guard in New York that's like,

you know, the New York legend. So yeah, we write jokes, you know, thank you. I will, I will say thank you very much for that. As much as people will object to you putting me in that category with those guys, that'll be your number one comment. Like really? Yeah. Colin. Yeah. But this guy,

I've exhausted all my cities, so I'm going to weird towns. I'm going to Bozeman, Montana. I'm going to Great Falls, Montana, Dayton. Then it's off to Australia, going down under. So come to Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Auckland, New Zealand. Holy shit. It's going to be nuts. That's exciting. Say hello, MarkNormanComedy.com. San Diego, Sacramento, New York.

Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis Tickets low as fuck Kalamazoo in a 1500 seater for some reason Help me the fuck out Perrysburg, Bethlehem Wilmington, Delaware Also could use a bump there Baltimore, Philly, Hampton Beach Portland, Maine, Connecticut Richmond, all of it Yeah, you see it Denver, Nashville, San Antonio, Houston See you on the road Wait, what is that? Go back down a little bit There's a misprint

I've never seen that. What is it?

Late show added. Never seen that on my website. There you go, folks. You're here first. Follow Jim. See him on the road. One of the best. Thank you. Yes. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey, guys. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. We hear it's very close to being legal in New York. Nice. Fingers crossed. Hallelujah. Finally. So, yeah. Get a bottle. Go gay. Check out Jim. And we'll see you in hell. Yep. Someone's talking shit.

dangerous. Up to lunch here in New York. This woman doesn't