Ep 122: Dustin Nickerson & Tom Collins
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Hey guys, how are you? Hey, I wasn't ready. Sorry. A little jumpy. Been a long weekend. Keep going. Nice kicks. The Giannis' baby. Wow. Look at that. It matches your Pepto bottle in the green room. This is the Jewish pair of Giannis'. We've got a special guest today, Dustin Nickerson. New special on YouTube. It runs in the family.

March 28th? March 28th. Sweet. There you go. YouTube's the move, baby. Yeah. I saw Chad Dales last night. He's doing one. Ari just did one. Ari's is so good. Yeah, they're out there. For people playing the how many times Mark burps and farts drinking game at home. Early. Early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a quick one. That was quick. I mean, you've gotten more burps than I've gotten words so far. Ah, sorry. We're going. We're going.

We were talking baseball before you got here because you're like, first off, you're wearing a Seattle Kraken hat. Yeah, yeah. You're a Seattle guy. I'm a Seattle guy, but I don't know hockey. So I'm like a fan because it's a new team. But I'm like, what's icing? Like I don't know the rules to the game yet. And I almost don't want them to – because they're pretty good right now. They're like first in the Pacific. But I almost don't want them to win because I haven't suffered enough. You haven't earned it. I haven't hurt.

Yeah, I haven't heard of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a comic. Getting too much too early. Right, right. You didn't pay your dues. Exactly. That's what I feel like as a Kraken fan. I was like, no, I got to, especially Seattle, which is a very long-suffering sports city. Just the energy of that city is just, it's like suicide. It is. You just walk in. Are they number one? I think they're number one in suicide rate. No, Alaska. Alaska.

Wow. That's a given. We can count that. I was thinking Syracuse too, but I'm like, that's another one. You can't even count that. Seattle's a real city with suicide. And if you think about the things that Seattle's known for, like coffee and music, art, software, all indoors.

Coffee's also like energy. It's weird to be caffeinated and then kill yourself. Oh, good point. Yeah. Maybe they need it. They're high energy suicides. Right. You know, they don't lull. It's a high energy. They couldn't get off the couch to jump without a Starbucks. So actually coming in at number one with a bullet is Wyoming.

That's another one. Nobody lives there. And it probably takes like a week to find the body. Yeah, that's a state too. We're going city here. Oh, city. But you think Seattle, you think like Frasier, you think like, you know, oh, Niles. You don't think like a guy hanging himself. No, no. But the weather, we were there recently and by the way, more theaters, like the most beautiful theaters. That's one of the best rooms in the country. I think that might be my favorite venue we played so far. Incredible. Yeah, I opened for Nate there a couple years ago and it's like,

I grew up going to this and like Alice in Chains has a famous live album there. Oh yeah. And like Houdini played there. Wow. I know. Isn't that crazy? Pearl Jam climbed the thing there. Yeah, yeah. I feel guilty doing what I do when I hear shit like Houdini played there and I'm like, here's another abortion joke. Keeping that tradition on. He's making things disappear too.

But also Seattle Kraken. That's the animal, the weird... What is a Kraken? It's a sea monster, right? It's a sea monster, yeah. It's a very Seattle weird name. But it's kind of a cool name. It is a cool name. And they have the most Seattle name ever for the arena. The Climate Pledge Arena. Oh! I thought you were going to say the syringe. I was thinking they should call it the Soundgarden. Yeah. It was the...

Oh, there you go. That's very good. When Selkie's bombed, it does this. He did the Mr. Burns thing there. Yeah, I think Jerry Bruckheimer is one of the owners of the Kraken. Oh, wow. I had no idea. I think he is. Google it. I think he is. The reason the Kraken exists, though, are to try and get the Sonics back.

Oh, was that right? We lost to Sonics in the 2000s. And it was like a thief in the night type situation where Stern, the CEO at the time, gave his buddy Clay Bennett a team in Oklahoma City.

And they were like, ah, the arena's trash. It was a key arena. It was fine. But they had to renovate it and show that it could be a good space to now try and court the NBA back to Seattle. Wow, what a move. Yeah. They should have a team. I mean, I grew up on those Sonics...

Green and yellow. Yeah. Yeah. Detlef Schrempf. Cool team. Good years. Yeah. Just another set of Hall of Famers that Jordan kept from getting a title, which is his real legacy of the 90s. That was, I mean, speaking of basketball, I did Giannis Antetokounmpo's benefit last night. Wow. Holy shit. Amazing family. They're so cool. Shout out to Hasan Minhaj. Hasan Minhaj. I'm sorry. Hasan. Hasan.

he put it together and it's like literally Mayor Adams, the ambassador to Greece and then me. Holy shit. And then Ronnie Chang and then me. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I got a buffer. But...

It's crazy. I'm doing literally, I'm just like, I went up like half in the bag. I was like, I'm fucking nervous. I'm looking at Mayor Adams. Wow. Not an easy gig. I was a few Manhattans deep. By the way, Stavros, whatever, he was supposed to come with me. He didn't. Long story. But I'm like, I know I'm going to get drunk. So I just start pounding all this like really great Greek food they had. Nice. I'm looking in the front and I'm trying not to make eye contact. The front table is Giannis Thanasis.

and their mom. Oh my God. And everyone's like, people are like crying before they bring me on. They're just like, this incredible woman who brought these men up to be such, and they're like all incredible people. They're all good human beings. Yeah. And they give back. And Giannis is the greatest basketball player right now, I think. Wow. You know, if we're going two way, he is. Freak, freak, yeah. And,

And I look over and the brothers are laughing. And I was like, thank God. And then I look to the left. The mom is not laughing. I'm like, it's okay. The brothers are laughing. That's what's important. And then I look over. Mayor Adams fucking loving me. Oh, really? And then pull up the video, Matt, after the show. Because Stav did not come with me. Incredible. Oh, man.

Wow. Greek guns. That's a good friend move. Also a dirty friend move. I didn't ask for the video. We were just talking and I said, I'm so bummed because my, one of my best friends was supposed to come with me tonight and he, and he couldn't come and he's so upset about it. And he goes, let's make a video for him. Oh,

I would never have brought it up. Oh, man. I would not have brought it up. I'm not that dude. He's Greek. He should have been there with a flag on. You want to hear why Stav wasn't there? He literally texted me before. He's like, I can't wait, dude. I can't wait. Can I wear my Greek? Can I wear my Adidas track suit? And I was like,

I mean, it's the Rainbow Room, dude. It's like, I was the worst dressed person there and I was in a button down, you know? And I was like, you should probably wear something, you know? And then he was like, dude, I'm looking around, I don't have one dress shirt. And I was like, you did five shows at the Wilbur this weekend. You don't have one dress shirt? And he's like, no, I don't have a dress shirt. So I was like, fuck it, just wear the tracksuit. And he goes, no, I don't want to drag you down. Like, I don't want to like be that bad. And I was like, just do it, it's fine. Then he fell asleep and woke up. No!

I was explaining this to a friend and I was like, he just fell asleep. I was like, hey, he's fat. Bad people just fall asleep sometimes. You hear of cat naps, you never hear of fat naps. I was hoping you were going to say he just showed up in a toga. Just to throw you for a loop because that is the garb of the day.

No, he was. And then I tried to sway him when I was there. So I was like, dude, the entire Milwaukee Bucks team is here. Wow. And he loves the whole team. So I was kind of like, dude, comment. He just he woke up to that video like, fuck. Damn, my wife would have showed up. I did like 10. Yeah.

That's not an easy idea. I got a big laugh and I was like, fuck it. I didn't even get the light yet. I was like, fuck it, I'm off. Yeah, yeah. I was like, there's no need for me to overstay my welcome and a benefit. Wow. And you sat next to him. No, I didn't sit next to him. I found him after the show. Wow. How'd you spot him?

He is well-dressed, too. Really? He's a dapper man. He's an easy guy to root for. I love him. I don't think anyone hates Giannis. No, Pappas, yes, but not that one. Very different Giannis. Very different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different energies. Yeah.

Wow, that's what do you call it? A milestone. That's a great moment. It was fun as hell. Yeah, awesome the man for doing that. Yeah, it was awesome. We got to get him on one day. Do you have any... Yeah, we do have to get him on. Do you have any recs? Any recs? Like recommendations? Oh, recommendations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah. I'm always like way behind on like TV and like...

It's like that old Gaffigan joke. You remember this joke? I love this joke. It was like, I'm going to mess up the exact details right. It's like, you ever watch a movie? Oh, that's a great joke. Hey, you guys ever seen Heat? Yeah. They're like, yeah, like five years ago. But I want to talk about it now. Yeah. I love that line. I want to talk about Heat now. I want to talk about Heat now. Heat's the perfect movie, too. That's a little bit of the parenting thing. I get like...

Me and my wife, like, if we're watching a show, it's like 40 minutes at the end of the night. And we're like, we can start a new thing or we can watch Larry Sanders again. Like, something we know we're going to love. It's amazing how many references Larry Sanders has gotten on this podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. We're all obsessed with him. He literally answers the phone, hey, now. That's right. Yeah, that's when my wife got me for Father's Day last year was a hey, now shirt. Yeah, it's a big one. You have three kids. What? Yeah.

Yeah, I know, right? Whoa. Get him this drink immediately. He's got three kids. How old are they? My oldest, he's a junior in high school. He's 15. He's like learning to drive. I had like a whole life before comedy. When I showed up at my first open mic,

I was 27 and had two kids and a third on the way. Wow. So when you said, hey, wife, I'm going to do comedy, she said, great. Yeah, there was like, it was, I think it is why, like, go ahead. I just want to say shout out to Patrick from Joey Roses for coming through. We really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you. Joe DeRosa's bar in the lower, he's one of the best. Dives in the city. One of the best spots in the city. Great bar. 174 Remington Street. Hell yeah, and great hair, and boy, look at that skin. He's like a Ken doll. From Utah? Yeah.

I'm from Atlanta, but I'm from Salt Lake City. If you guys remember the High West episode, I'm the guy who gave you the bottle. I remember that. I still have it. I still have like a little bit left. I have a hard time just – I usually just get a new bottle. I don't like to finish the bottle. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Keep it going. It was campfire, so they stopped making that one. So we got some of the last. Great whiskey. You do have one of those looks that I don't think I could get your age within 10 years. Yeah. A decade. If you said mid-20s, okay. Mid-40s, I also wouldn't be surprised. The face is a little bit younger. You could be a character on The Boys, for sure. Yeah. Right. What are we drinking here? Tom Collins. Ooh!

So this is your drink. Good choice, Dust. It's my cocktail of choice, yeah. Really? I love, I'm not even a big gin guy, but I love this drink. It's very, especially for day drinking, which we're very much doing, it's very easy to go down. Cheers. I don't even know what's in a Tom Collins. Gin, simple syrup. Lemonade. This is amazing.

Yeah, lemon juice, right? I don't like it too sweet. I like to use agave because simple syrup is just sugar. Right. But, yeah, it's just fresh squeezed lemon, agave, a little bit of sub-soda on top, and then gin. And the gin I brought you is also from Utah. Hey, yeah. And I'm Pat Arrani. The quick funny story behind that, the guy in this bottle is Utah's first drag queen. Whoa. And now, Brigham Young's son, Brigham Young Jr.,

Wow. Really? That's what drag queens say now. Bring them young. All right. He came back from his mission from Hawaii, and he found out he had a falsetto voice, and he started doing drag shows. Wow. People thought he was a woman. Wow. They have a big drag population in Utah. I went to a bar, and I saw a few drag queens. I was like, all right, Utah. Yeah, don't get too drunk. I was.

Hell yeah. I'll be there on Sunday. Yeah? Yeah, me and Ari and the boys all go skiing once a year. We do a show at Wise Guys. We sell it out. We make a ton of money and then just go skiing with it. Nice. Fun. Mikey made you guys sushi. That's him? Mikey Thompson also. Shout out to him. Give that guy a shout. That sushi was amazing and he brings it to the green room. Yeah. Killer. Good egg. Love Utah.

So you were talking about, yeah. Sorry. You had a whole life before comedy. Yeah. And then we went into day drinking, which fits. Where are you from? Seattle. Oh, wait. I knew that. The Kraken. Yeah. Sorry. Seattle. But I started, I live in San Diego. Yeah. And that's where I started comedy. Good choice. So, yeah. It's a perfect little city. Great city. Yeah. Maybe the city I would move to if I didn't live here. That's what I hear a lot. Yeah. And it's an underrated comedy scene. Like six clubs. You can get up as much as you want. Three of them are right there downtown.

Do you go up a lot during the week? I do, yeah. I try to. It depends how busy the touring is, but usually at least once or twice a week I'll do... Because we have a lot of good indie shows. And then before the pandemic, I ran a show. You did it, Les Sets. Right. Yeah, and it was a cool indie show that lasted like 15 years. Wow. Every Tuesday, 9 p.m., like 100 college kids would come in. And so I did that at minimum, but...

you know, I can, depending on what I'm doing between San Diego and LA, I usually still go up a few times a week, you know, and then go out on the weekend. So, yeah. So,

But I just showed up at an open mic at 27. But I was doing that meandering, like, what do I want to do with my life thing? And then I did stand up and I was like, oh, this is it. I found the thing. Sure. But I think because I started later, there was an urgency to get good and be a pro fast. And with kids. You got to pay the bills, keep the lights on. Yeah, because I wanted to do it for a living. So I was on the road within six months. Wow. Yeah.

you know, just bad, terrible casino gigs throughout the Southwest where you're doing like 25 cold to open. You're lucky if you get an overhead announcement. Like a lot of the time you just walk to the sandwich too. And like the real bad ones, you'd still be open to the casino. Yeah. Not even an enclosed room, just people walking by.

And so I did a lot of road pretty early on. But most of it was in San Diego. That's good. Casino gigs are hard when it's all your people. Yeah, right? They're hard always. There's something about it that just brings out – I mean, of course it brings out the worst in a person. Right. Literally flushing your money down the toilet. I did it on Friday. I was just like, take my money. You know when you get that level of drunk where you're just like handing them chips and you're just –

I do that thing. I do this when people... This is a total comic thing I do where I'm like, people aren't paying attention to me right now. Hey, guys, look. $200 on one hand. Right, right. You gotta make a scene. Yeah. And then I just lose all my money. I'm like, it was worth it. Yeah. Well, and it is a comic. There's...

They're similar to New Year's Eve gigs where you're like, you know you're just a part of what they're doing that night. Yeah. That's not their whole... Right. If they go to a comedy show in Vegas, that's usually stop one. It depends, though. Yeah. I mean, the tickets... I guess when you become a big actor. The tickets are pricey, so I think...

I think if they do giveaways, but those casino gigs, like you do a casino gig, it's your people, right? Yeah, sure. But as you said, it's still tough. There's something about it, being in that room, and it doesn't feel like your show. You feel like the casino is giving you a little time. Yes, true. Then you're back out there.

When you go to a comedy club or a theater, it's like, this is my show. But at the casino, the casino wins. Because you know that they want people back out there. Yeah, exactly. There's a limit on how long the shows can run. Totally. When you do a club out there, it's like 80 minutes max of time.

Cause they're like, get them out on the floor. This is great. You know that they're here, but really what we want them is out on the floor. And it's also weird to be working in a casino. Cause I can't help it shit on the casino. And they don't want that. It's like that Louie episode where they're mad. And I'm like, that's what we do.

But so then I just like start shitting on AC instead. I'm like that I could do. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. I only did Atlantic City once and I was like, I called it less Vegas. I was like, I don't like this place at all. That's better than mine. Vegas with AIDS. Yeah. Yours is way better. Yours got a harder punch though. That's not clever. Only spirit flies there. What? That's all you need to know about Atlantic City. No spirit leaves. Oh, yeah.

There we go. That's nice. It's a rough city. My brother did his bachelor party there, and I just remember a strip club with a woman who had a Star of David tattoo, and I was like, this is what happens to Jews in Atlantic City. It's rough. No, it's a...

Sorry. I'm going to keep moving. If Mark decided not to say it, it was bad. Better than a Jew with another tattoo. All right. There we go. Oh, my God. Good. What are you talking about? Oh, okay. Okay. I'm trying to dial it back. That's a good line. Dial it back. When have we done that? Yeah, good point.

No, AC is interesting. Very good. There's a comic years ago I was doing Looney's in Colorado Springs. I heard you talk about it. Yeah, and...

But the host, this comic Ella Gale, I think of this joke once a week and certainly any time I have gin. She goes, if you want to know what gin tastes like, just drink the water under the Christmas tree. Oh, I like that. I think about it every time I have gin. And I still like it, but it's pretty apt. Yeah, there's always jokes that just live in your head. You're in the shower like, oh yeah, that Todd Berry joke. I always think of this joke maybe once every four days. Yeah.

Whenever I see a guy with a neck tattoo, I always think, you forgot to not do that. It's the weirdest joke, but I love it. Damn. That is so Todd. They go deep, yeah. They're very, like, for whatever reason. That's just a perfect line. Gaffigan's got a few of those. Seinfeld's got a few. Yeah, they just live there in your head. Nick Griffin's got so many of those. Oh, yeah. He's one of my favorite joke people. Yeah. So many. You hear his joke about, I don't know if I've said it on the pod, maybe I have, but about a

He talks about his divorce, and he's like, I really did love my ex-wife. And his friend goes, how do you know? He goes, what, I got to convince you too? Oh, that's killer. That's a great joke. Killer. Your cadence is fun to do. Oh, hey. It goes in in a way, hey, comedy. My son does it. What? Like around the house. I was like, listen, you can watch this. I'm not allowed near him. Yeah.

Yeah, comedy, we're doing it. My wife. Any Jews here? Too many. I got a garbage guy. I was in Queens early. Garbage guy went, comedy, out of the truck. I'm getting to the working man. Yeah. Like around the house of Joel, my son starts it. And if my wife's there, like the younger daughters are there. He's like, you can do the start, but don't get to any of the actual jokes.

Not around here. If you and your friends are doing it, sure, that's fine. But not around the nine-year-old. Hopefully you don't do it to her in bed. No. The Taurus. We're really doing it. Angel. All right. We're doing it. Woo!

Yeah, so wait, I might have some rugrats someday. What's the key? What's the advice? What would you say as a comedian? Oh, yeah, it's, you remember Mulaney's episode of Comedians in Cars? Like, he so perfectly summarized it when, like, Mulaney was, like, being, like, really, like, I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. I can't do everything. And Seinfeld goes, like, they don't need all of that. They just need you.

And I think that's really out as just having like, cause I work the road, you know, just as much as any of us on the weekends. And you're like, but as long as you have a relationship with them, you say that, like, that's the easy part. The relationship is the hard part. Yeah. Me being me. Yeah. The stuff I can give.

Yeah, it's easier just to send an old school road dog, send the check home. I had a girl on my show the other night, and she was like, that was so good. And I was like, well, it's all downhill from here. Yeah, right. Now that we're just hanging out, that's the one I'm good at. Yeah, exactly. The hanging out, that's the hard part. I don't know anything. I can't compare it because I only have done stand-up as a dad. Sure, sure. So like that, when people are talking about- That's pretty ballsy. I know. Yeah. Three. Yeah.

Yeah. It was, well, like my wife's an artist and she gets like the itch for it, you know? And, and also like, as it, I,

I also make more money in comedy than I did at any meandering day. Oh, all right. It's not like I was killing it in life. Sure. I think it was more like, yeah, I was like the last job I had, I was middle managing at a rec center. So she's like, yeah, I mean, might as well try comedy. That's a bad rec. Maybe this is the thing, you know? Great job. The fact that you're a clean comic must have helped early on. Because I knew comics early on I was jealous of. Like, we knew those guys early on, they were just squeaky clean. Oh.

And they would book corporates and they would get gigs. To the top. And I would be like, oh man, I want to fucking do that. But then I just said, I want to fucking do that. So I can't do that. Yeah, it definitely helped get money gigs early. It wasn't necessarily always like for, I always say with like clean comedy, like it's, it shuts you out of nowhere, but it does open certain doors for you. For sure. You can still do any gig, but what's interesting is,

What's annoying is the guys who really market themselves as a clean comic, and they're like, I'm a clean comedy. I won this clean comedy. It can't be your whole brand. The goal is to find your act, and whatever you're writing, it still has to work in the clubs. You have to be a club comic. You have to be on the front lines of comedy. But when you can work clean there, you're like, oh, I got a thing here. Right.

That helped, and it did help me early on because there were a couple big church comics that brought me out. Whoa. And they brought me out because I was clean, but I had no church jokes. So you didn't step on those. Exactly. There was no like, you ever show up late to church? Like, I got none of that. Everyone's giving you the eye. Church meet and greets, right? I was like, yeah, I got none of that. You ever not go to church? Yeah. That's my bit. Yeah, but I don't swear, if that's what you want. There you go.

Yeah, yeah, which is huge. Oh, yeah. Right.

Yeah. That being said, there are some killers on there. Oh, sure, sure. I thought he's old-tan. I think you know. Oh, I love Zoltan. He did a dry bar? Yeah. Oh, he's so underrated. I agree. Well, you go where the eyeballs are and they have a big subscription base. Right, right. Yeah, oh yeah, they're huge. There was this era in San Diego comedy when I started...

where Madhouse, which is where we first met. You probably don't even remember. I was like hosting for you one weekend like seven years ago. Tough room. Yeah, well, it was kind of on, it's like. It's not a good name for a comedy club. Madhouse Comedy Club. Well, it was a great club. I'll be at the Cuckoo's Nest Comedy Club all weekend. Yeah.

Yeah, it is. Those are the loony bins. Yeah. It's not a good. There are a lot of them out there. Also not in your room. No. Crackers, not a great name. Bonkers. Yeah. Bonkers. Oh, gosh. The Bonkers. Bonkers with a Z. Bonkers with a Z. That's the infamous Joe List weekend. Yeah. What does that mean? Where Joe and I just fucking had a week of hell gigs. Wow. A lot of those casino gigs that I did in like Vegas or not. That was when I started Vegas. You're not even in Vegas.

You're in Prim. You're in Laughlin. And Pahrump, like all the border towns. You just, yeah. Pahrump. Pahrump. Pahrump. It just sounds like a bummer. Yeah, and they just, it's not a gig. They just set up some tables in a side room. You're like, this is really, this is really, yeah. Pahrump, poh, poh. Yeah, I think I did that joke. Like, this is named after the little drummer boy or whatever. Yeah.

But yeah, those were brutal. Yeah, the strip is sad until you're off the strip. Right, right, right, right. You're like, this is fucking sad. Great way to put it. The strip can be fun. I was in AC for one night, and I was like, that's great. That's all you need. I had a great one night. It's a hooker. You don't want to date it. That's what's tough about those Vegas clubs, though. I do Brad's Club a lot, and it's like a week, seven days.

way too you get in Monday you leave Monday that's so cool so many and that and they put you up in a really nice room and the show is fun but it's like

Goodness gracious. That's way too long in advance. It gets real sad. That's why I never, I know a lot of guys who have gambling problems, real addictions, and I just couldn't, I like to gamble, but it's so sad in a casino that it keeps me from gambling. Well, doing it alone is sad. Oh. I'm with a bunch of people. I'm kind of like, I lost some money, but it was entertainment. That's true. Yeah, you're paying for a night out. The drinks. Yeah. But,

Yeah, those two vodka sodas. So that was really worth the 900 I lost. But the slot lady and the respirator and the smoking and the old lady with the camo hat and the limp and the rascal. The tracheotomy. Yeah. The fucking slot machine. The sad two mile walk back to your room. Oh. That's a long fucking walk. That can be bleak. The bad carpet. Yeah, yeah. The ding, ding, ding, ding in the background. Brutal. I'll do Vegas once a year usually. Yeah.

if I do Brad's Club and but like I'll make like a trip out of it like my family will come or something like we'll have because it is it's just way way that's too long that probably keeps you from gambling too it's smart yeah yeah yeah that's true and Vegas is like it's an entertainment city now so there's enough for them to do sure sure but even then you're like I don't know if this is making it happier or sadder

being here with my kids, like, Oh, yeah. All the, like, all the, like, the characters, they're like, why has Elmo got stains on him? That's what they come like, here, man. Why is Pikachu crunchy? Yeah. Don't touch him. Yeah, what? They'll be like, I'm out and out, Cookie Monster. Yeah. I remember one time, it was right after the, the Dark Knight Rises, the last one, Bane came out. Yeah. And my son goes, why is Bane fat? Ah,

It's like a sad love handles Bane. Because he didn't do his homework. Yeah. So, no, as I said, Madhouse had this like era when I probably like was a few years into comedy where it was like a headliners club, but it became a showcase club. And I think it was in part because like the middles there were so strong. Oh, really? Like our class, like they were coming up. You would catch.

Like it was me, Taylor Tomlinson, Brian Simpson, Derek Poston. And then we also had guys like Zoltan, headliners. And it was like, that's the nightmare when you're headlining. Like you have some local headliner who's middling. And if you're not selling tickets-

They go up for 25 and you're in the back of the room like, I don't got this. That's why I bring Gary Vee around the road. He takes a nice little dive. And they got like 10 minutes on the city. Yes. Oh, no. Any comic in Boston just buries you. Yeah, I did a weekend at Tacoma Comedy Club with Dennis Regan years ago. Dennis is very funny. Funny guy. Some of my favorite jokes. Classic, yeah. Yeah, and he goes, I was like, I'm from there. And he goes, you better not do any local crap up there. Like, what's going on?

And I get it now as the headliner. What's up with these homos in Revere? And they're like, ah!

Yeah, all you have to do is say the name of a place. Totally. The first part is when you go back to a city enough times that you can do the local reference as a headliner. That's true. That's kind of fucking, that's nice. I remember Dennis Regan, I've worked with him a few times. Man, he had a joke I loved on Letterman where he goes, my dad, he had one of those reversible belts going up. I love his joke. Like on one side it was brown and the other side he would beat me with it. Just a great mystery. And then the button is like, I always preferred brown. Yeah.

He's got one of my favorite jokes too. He talks about staying in a hotel and he goes, yeah, I could hear the couple next to me in the room having sex and

And it just went on for so long. And it was so loud that finally I called down to the front desk and I was like, hey, like, it's a problem. Like the couple next to me is having sex and I can't hear the woman. Oh, that's great. That's good. But yeah, I think we all have. I got like four minutes on each city now just from the road. But if I can't think of a bit about the city, I just I just go opioids.

Like, ah, you guys are all addicted to opioids. And it's such an epidemic that it works every time. It applies to everyone. Yeah, because everybody knows somebody on Oxycontin. Patrick? Hey, Utah, yeah. Oh, Utah. It's bad. Forget about it. In Salt Lake downtown, it's like a video game. You're literally like, this doesn't feel like real life. It's Meth Frogger. It really is. Called Meth Frogger? It's about, like, the...

Whoa. Damn.

And it's so textbook. Like, you go to Utah, a lot of Mormon, blah, blah, blah. But there's, like, one half of the audience is covered in tats, crazy haircut, piercings, leather jacket, the woman's got fake jugs, crazy blonde dyed hair, and you're like, oh, you guys were, then you got out. They all have to overcompensate. And the other half is still wearing, like, their secret underwear. Exactly. The dudes look like Sid Vicious, and then, you know, the still Mormons all look like Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. They're, like, crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. Sheet white. I want to ski there. Holy hell. Milf Mountain. Yeah. You guys watching Milf Manor? What's that? Oh, I don't want to tell you. You'll never come back. The show will have to end. What is it? It's just a new Bravo show that's about milfs trying to get laid.

And they're all old. Literally, they did a thing on 30 Rock about this, remember? Did they? It was like a joke. Hilarious. Milf Island? Yeah, this is the same shit. Incredible. Holy shit. See, they're all divorced and horny. See, they want the young boys. See, they're all horned up.

Yeah. Was that going somewhere? No, I just wanted to confirm that fact. No way. Damn. Wow.

Yeah, this show is fun because I hate these dumb reality shows. My lady watches all of them. But this one, I'm like, put it on. That's on Disney Plus. That'd be great if they just made a total shift. It's moms based. It's BT.

Oh, there it is. Oh, porno. Abort, abort. All right, I can't find it. Pull it up. Abort, abort. Cracking. Any peeves, guys? Oh, I had a good one. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Oh, wow. Do you have a list? I had one today. I brought this up to my wife like two days ago. I was like, do I have any? And she just laughed so loud. She's like, you're irritated by everything. Totally. I have like categories of them. But you can go first if you want.

No, no, you go. I'm noodling. I want to get your guys' take on this one because this is like an ongoing debate in the Nickerson household is AirPod rules, when you should and shouldn't have a min around other people because it drives me crazy when you're with somebody and they have one in or you see right now a lot of employees have the min. Yeah. And it's very old school, like boomer dad of me, like you give me the good customer service that I deserve. Yes. But you'll be checking into a hotel-

Right. But really what bothers me in conversation where you're like, am I not good enough for you? Yeah. That's what it feels like to me. I was like, do you have to have a soundtrack to me? Yes. You have to have like, all right, I got a podcast in this ear, but then if Dustin says anything interesting, maybe I'll take it out. Did you have that bit about if you take one out, that's like, sometimes people will give you one ear, but they won't give you both. Oh, that's funny.

Somebody has that bit. They'll give you a chance. Yeah, exactly. Similarly, people will do the thing where they'll just be on their phone all the time and then they kind of chime in when they want to. Oh. It's a similar energy of like, you're not important enough for my full attention. I know two guys in my head who do that. I was on the one.

All the time. Yeah. At the cellar. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Every time. They sit at the table and they want to be in the group, but they'll just wait until something pops up that they care about or they can say something about and then they go back. Yeah. It's probably an insecurity and my need to be liked and all, but I'm like, come on. It also might just be like a, with that guy, it might be like an ADD thing where they just can't focus. Right. Mm. Yeah.

I get it. I mean... I have ADD, but my insecurity weighs it out. And my people pleaser cancels that out. Yeah, I'm with you. I need you to like me, and I want to know that you like me. So...

How about another store? What if you go in for a coffee? Would you have one in or no? I'll take it out when I order. That's what I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, same. But if you're shopping or whatever, you're walking, that's great. I walked around the city earlier today. That's fantastic. But as soon as I want to talk to somebody, it just feels...

Feels really rude to me. No, I'm with you. What about a run-in on the street with someone? What do you give them? Does it depend on how close you are? Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. I think one ear is customary, right? Easily. You got to give them at least one ear. Got to do one. You know, like our relationship, two ear, I would take them both out for you. I'd do one ear for you. Absolutely.

We're closer. I know you better. That's fair. We text about sports. All right, I got to work up to that ear. But yeah, you know what else is bad? When somebody's jogging or something, they see you, but they keep jogging in place. So you're like, oh, this won't last long. Yeah. You know, they're not going to break their stride for me. Maybe it's a nice thing that they stop because they...

That's true. They could have just kept going. They could have just given you the wave and kept going. That's true. That's a good point. And it is annoying when you work out and you see someone you know. That's true. That's the worst. Like the work center I used to work at, like we still have membership there and I'll do shifts based on when my friends aren't there because I'm like, ah, they're just going to want to talk to me and catch up and stuff like that. And you're like, I don't. No, you need places to zone out. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

us being expected to be on all the time. You need places. Yeah, right. You don't want to be irritable. Hey, funny guy. I don't want to do this. Oh, brutal. But we play hoops in the rec center like every day on the road. That is like, and it's like how we. I heard you bought shoes for the guys, right? Incredible. And then this, I willed this to happen by buying the shoes. Yeah.

I willed this into existence. Dream it into existence. He was bummed I wasn't, by the way, breaking news here. I don't know if this is going to get picked up by Bleacher Report, but he asked me, Giannis asked me, he goes, are you a Bucs fan? I said, I'm not. I'm a Knicks fan. I said, but I do love your team. I really respect you guys. And he goes, he was like this. And he goes, well, you never know next time I'm a free agent where I might end up. Whoa. And I was like, dude, don't do this to me.

Don't fuck. Don't you fucking do this. You want to be on a losing team for 25 years? We're fucking five seed right now. We're the five seed. Put some respect on our team. Yeah. Oof. If Giannis were Nick right now, we're the best team in the NBA. I mean, that applies to a lot of NBA teams. Yeah, but it's true. Yeah.

Not the Sonics. Oh, so sad. If Yana said, I'm signing in Seattle, I might go to the team back. That's true. Damn, never get that ear, is that what he said? If he held out, he said, I won't play until Seattle is a team. They'll have a fucking team tomorrow. That's probably what it takes, right? Because it's like a lot of our old guys, like our old coach, like George Carl, and they're like, yeah, nobody cares about that, you know?

Giannis could do it. So I got a peeve. Yeah, tell me. My grocery store, it's one of these like hippy dippy places. And every time I ring shit up, they go, do you have a bag? And I go, no. And they go, and they like look pissed. Like, how dare you? So then I have to buy a bag. But I'm like, I'll just buy the bag. What's the problem? But they want me to bring the canvas tote in. And so they shame me every time for buying a bag. What place is this? Morton Williams on Bleeker.

Suck it, Morty. Yeah. Another overpriced... So overpriced. You know what bugs me about the Morton Williams and the... Dustin, I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but anyone who's lived here long enough knows the Morton Williams, the D'Agostinos, the Gristinis. Oh, D'Agostinos. They're all shitty grocery stores, and they all cost more than Whole Foods. That's right. They're like...

So worse and more expensive. Yes. Great. It's awful. Filthy. It's a good business strategy. Yeah. Yeah. And here they are again. Shout out. Pull up the guy who owns Gristiti's. Look at this guy, John Casamatiti's. Weird looking fella. Wow. You know the guy's name? That's crazy. Yeah. He did a mayoral run for a minute. What? Oh my gosh. Yeah. It's not John. Casavetes is way better looking. That guy looks like a Will Ferrell character. Oh, Casavetes. Yeah. Casabatidis. What is it? I've got two of his fellas. Casamatidis. Wow. I'm not performing because I'm not.

C-A-T-S-U-M-A-T-E-D-E-S-O. See, you know what it is? We used to have neighborhoods where, like, that was your grocery store. So you kind of had to go there. But now we have options. But they're still hanging on with these overpriced. Whoa! That looks like a melted eraser. Holy hell. Oh! It got worse somehow. Jesus. It's got a bee sting. Yeah. That's what I was going for.

Incredible. But he's rich, so you know that he gets some. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Put them side by side. Wow. Who would you rather have go down on you? Oh, I'll take the fish. Jesus Christ. You got the skin?

Wow. This is actually called the Jew fish. No way. Damn. Ouch. I don't like those kind of jokes. Why is it called the Jew fish? That's just what it's called. How do you spell it? The Jew fish. Damn. I thought that was the salmon or the white fish. That's more Jewish, right? Kefilta. Thank you.

Underrated. Imagine this guy's dirty talk. Check out this fresh produce. Don't forget to lick the bag. There we go. I don't understand. I'll come to New York. I've been here like 15 times or whatever, but I don't know. I'll walk around and I'll be like, where are the schools? Where do you play catch? You want to play catch with your son? I know you didn't have a dad.

They're tucked in. It is weird. There'll be like a bodega, a high school, and then like a toilet. Yeah. Like a Home Depot or something. Yeah. I don't know how just normal domestic life functions here. I mean, there's basketball. There's a shitload of basketball courts. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. But that always bugged me, the people who played catch on the court, because they take up the whole fucking court. That's true. It is a selfish move. Baseball's a big game. There's no way to- Get some grass. Yeah.

We need this court. Well, you got Central Park, Washington Square Park, Madison Square Park, Riverside Park, Bryant Park. What's the one in Brooklyn? The big one. Prospect Park. There's a lot of parks. So many parks. You just got to know where they are. You'll find them. Yeah, we'll just play in the street. I got a peeve. All right. The guy who tries to make you let you know that he's happy, even though you know he's miserable. That is a peeve for me. Just fucking own it.

It's a longer story that I'll tell another time, but a guy I met in AC was starting shit with us at the tables, and he was like, I got a family.

I was like, where are they? Yeah, right? Where are they? You're at the table losing money right next to me. You ain't better than me, bro. I got a family. What is that? People do that. I got a family. Okay. That's the make you happy? The Menendez brothers had a family. Not everyone's happy. Yeah. That could really go either way. Like, is that saying you're happy or you're sad? Oh, good point. He was saying it as in he's fulfilled and we weren't. Yeah, clearly. Yeah.

He's an AC. Yeah. Good Lord. Fucking loser. I got a family. It got heated. Yeah. Really? I mean, I'll tell you what happened. Oh, please do. Did you take their college money? Well, it was Blackjack, so no. But the dealer did. Okay. No, what happened, he just kind of kept starting shit.

And it was, it was, he was like, you know, he kept saying annoying. She was hammered. He was like a fat. Yeah. And he was a kind of a fat, annoying, fake, jolly, happy, you know, but he was like miserable. Sure. And he was kind of making sarcastic comments every time. And then, and then at one point I get, I bust on five cards.

I think I had like, it's like the fifth car and I got like 22 or something. Ah, what a run. And he goes, my grandpa Charlie, he talked like that. He's from Syracuse, but he has Southern accent. My grandpa Charlie, he said on a five car, they called him five car Charlie. And they said, if you get five cars, you ought to win anyway. And I turned to the dealer, I go, well, five car Charlie says so. And I think we should rewrite the casino.

What do you say? And he was pissed at that. I was hammered. I was in the, I was half in the bag. Yeah. He was, but he would have been annoying before that. And then. I do declare. I do declare. I do declare. And then he starts getting more and more annoyed. And he, and he, he gives him like, oh, I'm Syracuse. He keeps bragging. He keeps bragging. He's from Syracuse. That's worse than the family flag. Yeah.

I was like, dude, I'm fucking hammered. So I just say Syracuse is a fucking dump. And everyone at the table laughs. Yeah, not wrong. And he goes, you've just never been there. I said, dinosaur barbecue. I start naming people. I've been there multiple times. I was like, and to tell you how not prejudiced I am, I think Buffalo and Rochester are pretty cool. Yeah. People at the table are side with me. A lot of them were there with me. That's how crappy Atlantic City is, is that you can crap.

Or like you can, or how crappy Syracuse is that you can be in Atlantic city and be like, that place is a dump. I know. Like to be in the trash, bad mouthing a worse trash. Incredible. Well, then he goes, where are you from? And I said, New York city. And he goes, Syracuse, you fucking loser. So it keeps getting more and more heated. I was with a woman at the table. Very, very pretty woman. And he goes, uh, he, she's, he tries to like high five us after a hand.

And he'd been rude. So we're just like, fuck it. We just like ignore him. And he goes, he goes, I've never had this happen in all my blackjack years. And she says, and then he bought a slave.

I'm getting the vapors. We're annoyed by him. So he goes, he says, I've never had this happen. And she goes, really? A woman has never asked you not to touch her? And that gets a huge laugh. Oh, good. That's a funny line. You're crushing him. You are on fire right now. And then he goes, he calls her ugly. Oh.

And I was like, dude, she's clever. I said, I'm Hamish. I'm out of my wittiest. I go, you have four chins, you fat fucking Syracuse creature is what I say. Oh, boy. And people were like, okay. And then I was like, she's not unattractive at all. She's very pretty. And he goes, well, she's ugly on the inside. I was like, well, that's not important to me. Yeah.

I was like, that's fine with me. And it keeps going and it keeps going. And it just... It's like all night. And I was like, this is a fucking... We're just like fighting with this guy. And this is the low point. I'll tell you the low point. He keeps coming at me. And by the way, I didn't even notice your Dangerfield shirt. I fucking love it. Whoa! That's killer. But I say... I love it. I turn to one point... After he said the comment about her looks, I'm wasted. So I turn to my tour manager and I say... Brian, I say, what if I just sucker punch this motherfucker? And he goes...

It's a casino. It doesn't matter that you just sold a lot of tickets here. They will arrest you. And I turn and I pause and I go, but it'd be good press, right? And he goes, it would be good press. This is who's guiding my career. I might sell tickets in other markets because of this. Losing Atlantic City. I can already see the headline, funny man takes a gamble. I'm getting handcuffed. I was like, 5 Car Charlie would be okay with this.

I do declare. That's him like making fun of New York thing, like her hating it. That's actually another peeve of mine. I hate when you like you tell someone where you're from or a city you like, and then they just tell you they don't like it. Oh.

I did do that to him in his defense. Well, Syracuse, no defense. Syracuse, come on. You're asking for it. But he wasn't saying how much he liked. My favorite city to go to is San Francisco. I love SF. I love SF. Anytime you go to it, it's exactly. People do that. They go, oh, what a dump. Oh, well, don't go.

Right. It's not for you then. Yeah. We're not actively seeking more people in our city. Yeah. I live in California. A bunch of people left. Everyone's leaving. You're like, good. That's our main problem. Yeah. Too many people. When is New York the best? When it's kind of dead. Right. Oh, yeah. Pandemic, baby. Really? I loved it. No traffic. You loved what? New York City in the pandemic. Yeah. Really? The city was ours. There were no tourists. Less senior citizens.

You heard it here. Matt Salicu's loved when all the family businesses were struggling. He hates nursing homes. Quit bragging. Yeah, big time. A woman asked me where I was from and I said New York. And she goes, ah. Whoa. You know, it's right there by Louisiana. Sure. She's like, what about politics? I'm like, who cares? Oh, yeah. Who cares who you are?

That's what's funny about living in San Diego, though, is people will hate on California. And they're like, ah, liberal, socialist, communist, whatever. And then they go, where do you live in California? San Diego. They go, we love San Diego. Ah, that's funny. You do kind of get a different reputation. Yeah, you get a pass. Why is that? It's a little purple there. Well, yeah, because it's a big Navy town. Mm-hmm.

And so it is a good kind of like mix. That might be why it's the best comedy city in California. It's such a good comedy city. I mean, SF crowds are good. LA crowds are good. Yeah. As long as you're not like, if it's your people in LA, they're great. But it's, you know, the random pop-ups can be whatever. It's a good mix of people. It's a party city, but not there. They don't get offended easily. No. No.

No, not at all. It's very laid back. It's like a, it's cause it's a, it's a beach town. That's a city. Yes. So it's like a city and everyone's chill and unmotivated and, but still hot somehow. Yeah. Yeah. It's a city full of part-time lifeguards. It's like, they're all content because they're like, well, what more could I aspire to than to live here?

So there's no like big companies there. There's no like world changing entrepreneurs from there. They're just like, no, I just was longboard of the beach, baby. They don't have that pretension of LA that like, I'm an actor and all that. I'm a big shot. What do you drive? They don't have any of that there because they're from there. Everybody in LA is not from there. Nobody's from there. Yeah. Everybody moves there and gets a Dodgers hat and you're like, all right, spare me. You know, unfortunately it is a cool logo.

It's a great logo. Pull it up. It is, yeah. Dodgers logo is a good logo. Who can roll a logo, though? The LA? It looks good. I mean, it's a classic. Second only to the Cleveland Indians. All right, that's a solid logo. Those are classics. I do like the logo. But I don't, yeah, no, I hate that, too. Yeah, it's nobody's, when you have a... Yeah, it's a good hat. Yeah. What you have in LA is... I think it's a take on the New York one, that interlocking NY for the Yankees. The New York one's better.

Yeah, I'd say so. This is a little square. It's a little jagged. As a non-biased person, I'll call them equals. There you go. I think that they are, you know, I have no skin in the game here. Oh, that's a beauty. Mets are a great logo. Both. Yankees and Mets. Fantastic logos. New York's fucking winning that. Come on. My favorite...

Again. I have no skin in the game here. I heard Giannis might play for the Nets. There we go. Don't you dare. All right. I like, there's some great hockey logos, too. I like the San Jose Sharks. That was a classic. Yeah, like the Penguins. Because of the colors, Roy Wood told me he used to always wear Charlotte Hornets gear as a kid. Hornets gear, yeah. Oh, that's baby blue. It was gang neutral colors. Yeah, I like a shark biting a hockey stick. Hey, Zoc Doc.

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Oh, yeah. That and the Muggsy teams. That was a weird era of dudes dressing like women that no one cared. Wait, what? Grandma Ma. Oh, yeah. Pull up Grandma Ma. Rodman, too. Rodman dresses a woman in a wedding dress. Oh, the wedding dress. Look at this. Grandma Ma. This was LJ's alter ego. I forgot. I've met LJ a few times. He's a very nice guy. It was on Sports Illustrated for kids. Oh, I remember that. Wow. He did it on an episode of Family Matters. That's right. Wow.

Incredible. And Urkel can kind of hoop. Yeah. Oh, Jaleel White, yeah. You're doing that. That's right. Oh, there's them together. Boy, this is my whole childhood. And then Ellen came out on ABC a couple years later. Very ahead of the curve. Madea. Great Shane Gillis joke.

I watched Hidden Figures. Is it Hidden Figures? Yeah. Or as my dad calls it, Madea Goes to Space. Oh, my God. Damn. He's funny. Damn, I love it. Wow. Yeah, remember Kareem Abdul-Jabbar did an episode of Full House, too. Did someone block Larry Johnson there? Yeah. There's some family matter scandals out there, too. Like what? Like the Eddie guy, the kid who played Eddie, he killed somebody. What? Oh, my God. Eddie? Yeah, in real life. One of the daughters was in.

Yeah, one of the daughters in porn. Jaleel White had some problems with like... How did I miss all this? Yeah, it was the 90s. You know, there wasn't the internet. What did Jaleel White do?

Uh, he just, you know, he's like all fucked up because Urkel, like he can't get a gig. Whoa. All right, Sally. Careful there. What is with all the porn searching today, Sal? It got to porn so fast. Yeah. He's a good Christian comedian over here. What the hell are you doing to this guy? He's working on the, yeah, of course. Was that weird getting those Christian, because you probably got a lot of, you're doing like arenas, right?

There were some ones that were like, and I was like so new into comedy and they were like, so we're doing Grand Canyon University today. I was like, okay, I don't know what that is. And you walk in there like it's 7,000 people. Whoa. I'm like four years in. Oh, wow. Which maybe was good to be that blissfully naive to it, you know? And you just walk out and you're like, oh my gosh, this is gigantic.

That's insane in the early years to do that. Yeah, yeah. I was very fortunate in that way. I got to be a pro faster because of that. Sure. I don't love the arena gig, though. I don't either. A little too echoey. The best one I did, I did Fully Loaded one weekend, and we did the KFC in Louisville. That was great. That's a great room. Yeah. We did that once. Yeah, it was super fun. But all the other ones you're like. I love comedy in Louisville, though.

You don't love it? I like Louisville.

If I'm in Lexington, if I'm in Kentucky, I prefer Lexington. Yeah. Have you done the new club? Norwest opened a new one. Yeah, it's all right. It was a bit of a heckle fest. It was a heckle fest. It was a lot of hooting and hollering. Kloon Kloon was a weird city. The cool thing though is- It's two most iconic figures are Muhammad Ali and the KFC guy. And George Clooney. Yeah, there you go. And Diane Sawyer. He's Lexington. Yeah. Who? Again, this is a weird mix of people. All over the map. All over the- Which makes sense of why the grounds would be so weird. I believe Johnny Depp. Or not Hershberg.

Ronan's got the best joke about that, about being a Jew from Kentucky. And people always say, well, how did that happen? He goes, when my grandparents fled the Holocaust, they weren't picky. That's a great joke. That's a good line.

Uh, no, Lexington's great though. There's like a good energy in the air. Good energy there. Yeah. Broadway. That one great club. Yeah. It's one of those old school clubs. I used to do a lot of cocaine in these clubs. Oh yeah. It's in the wood. You can feel it. Yeah. Well, that's a classic room. And, uh,

The cool thing about Kentucky is whatever bar you're in, even comedy clubs, you're like, oh, I'll have an ocean-aged scotch. They have amazing whiskey. Not scotch, bourbon, whatever. But they have great whiskey menus. They have a diner menu, but for whiskey. Right, right, right. That's their thing there. Bourbon, horses, whiskey.

A little bit of racism. A hint. At least there's some racial tension. You think? Yeah. Oh. In Kentucky? I don't know this anymore. Well, having Louisville in the middle of Kentucky, it's kind of like Atlanta in the middle of Georgia. It's like, this is like an iconic city and the rest of the state is really upset about a black little mermaid. You know, it's weird for to have it that. Join the club. Yeah.

Yeah, I prefer outside of Atlanta, personally. Better than a Jewish mermaid. You guys can't fuck with shellfish. In fact, Kentucky was neutral during the Civil War. Neutral. Like Switzerland. Or Charlotte Hornet jacket. So nobody liked them. We had the Hornets for 10 minutes in New Orleans. So both sides. Imagine being neutral.

Just imagine me. It's like the Seinfeld episode. I choose not to race. Yeah. Right. It's almost more offensive to be like, ah, I don't really care one way or the other about humans owning humans. I'm neutral on that one. Hmm. I don't know. I kind of like it. Did they set up Kentucky as like, you know, like in tag, they have base. Oh, yeah. Kentucky base. You're like, you can't fight here. We're safe in this area. We all have coffee here. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It seems like good living. Like every time I go to Lexington, I'm like, maybe I'll buy a place here. This is not Rolling Hills. I mean, I won't, but it just seems nice. It's quiet. Nobody bothers you. It's unassuming. It's one of those places the plane ticket is always way too expensive. That's true. They know that you need to get there.

That's right. You have to cheat the system, maybe flying to Cincinnati or do some weird shit. Yeah, there's some weird taint dick balls asshole stuff going on with Ohio and Kentucky. You fly in Ohio, but you go to Kentucky or you fly into Kentucky, you go to Ohio. It's all wacky over there. Ohio, I mean, it's easy for you guys, but coming from the West, like anytime you do like hilarities, you're like, this is more challenging than it should be. But same thing. No one knows. You're just like, I'm going to Cleveland for vacation.

They know you have to go there. I will say these days, we usually, if we go east to west, don't you leave a day early usually? I never do. Really? I can't do it. I've been doing it just because I don't want to, especially if I have two shows that night.

I don't want to travel. I don't want to do a six-hour flight and then do two shows. I want to make sure I'm on my game. So I will try to fly in the night before. I get it, but I have this happy, fulfilled life as a father. I got a family. I got a family. It reminds me of something Granddad Charlie once said to me. He said, a man is not fulfilled. My family back in Syracuse. I got to spend every second with them. Woo!

He did have a fat face. It was a funny face. He was so outraged when I called him fat. I'm picturing the D'Agostino's owner in my head. He did kind of look like that. Oh, wow. That's lovely. I kind of saw something like that, too. He also was way younger than he looked. Oh, that's really good. He had a haggard fucking look. He lived a life. Yeah. That's one of the things that hurts the most in internet comments when people call you old.

Yeah. I don't know if you guys get that, but I do. It stings. Really. I had one. Well, they probably just think you're old because you have, you're probably my age, but it's. I'm 38. How old are you? I'm 36. What's the stash, the glasses, your dad? Well, I did like a joke about like being a millennial and people were like, this guy's the oldest millennial in history. This guy, this guy. And. These are horribly tame. I get way worse than this. It got worse. Yeah. Uh.

I'm talking F word, N word, R word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just what you're saying. Yeah. I'm writing my own comments. Somebody had to caption that. Somebody had to create a graphic that came up on that. No, but I had one day where it was just like a video went pretty big and everyone would just tell me how ancient I look. And then the internet, like Lord Algorithm, blessed me and they put up Soder's old clip of saying he was 29. And then I immediately went to the comments.

And Kasota's a good looking dude. Oh, yeah. Buzz Lightyear. They're like, is that what you say, Buzz Lightyear? That's funny. Yeah, yeah. And the top comment was, this guy's been 29 for 10 years. And then one under that goes, this guy's 29 the way Brittany Griner is a female. Damn. And I was like, this made me feel so good. Well, she is a female. Yeah, but just to read them and go like, all right, this is just what it's like out here. Yeah, yeah. People say don't read the comments, but that's easier to do when you're big and successful. When you're starting, you're like, there's two comments. Yeah.

But you know what? You do get, you do sometimes get a bit at, like sometimes I laugh. Oh yeah. When I read it. Sometimes it's an insult to me and I fucking laugh. Oh, you post them sometimes. I like to post them too. It's funny. It's cathartic. Someone wants comedy. He looks like George Clooney's failed clone.

Ooh, that's solid. That's pretty fucking funny. That's true. Actually, the opening bit on my special, Runs of the Family, Billum on YouTube, is about cyberbullying, and someone called me like, this guy is an uglier, less funny Ned Flanders. Ooh, wow. And that's the opening joke about cyberbullying. I was like, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Flanders is funny. Flanders is a funny one to hit. Yeah. The reference is everything. Yeah. I used to get a lot of Michael Phelps with Down Syndrome. That was a big one. Yeah, I got...

You what? Yeah, I had one that said I looked like a really sleepy Donnie Wahlberg. And I was like, that's already the less attractive Wahlberg. Right. And then why you gotta add sleepy? Yeah. You know. They gotta have some zing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a tedious Daniel Baldwin. Tedious is so funny. Because otherwise he's quite pleasant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time I got shy all the ugh.

That's good. That's pretty good, yeah. That's good for a comment. I wouldn't even know how to write that. Yeah, he put a dash in there. That works. So people said on our subreddit that you look like Eddie Cantor. I see it a little bit. I can definitely see it. Yeah, I see it. Who's he? Oh, my, by the way, the guy who founded Reddit hosted this benefit last night. Stop it. Wow. A billionaire right there, right? I know. I got my first big laugh shitting on him. Oh! What was it? You're ruined. Your algorithm is ruined now. I said, uh...

He brought me on stage. He was very nice. And he did a great job hosting, actually. Like, was heartfelt, but also, like, self-deprecating. I was like, oh, he did a good job. So I go up immediately. I go, hey, man, thank you so much for finding Reddit. Without you, how would I know I'm an unfunny one-eyebrow dipshit? And I got a huge pop. Oh. Thank God. That was the first joke? That was the first thing I said. And it was such a relief. Yeah. When those weird gigs, you're like, oh, if I get a good one early. They told us not to curse, too. Yeah. So it was just like my first line is dipshit. And they got a big laugh. I was like, I'm cursing. Yeah. Yeah.

I tested the waters. Yeah. If you kill, they never care. They never care. They've been told that a million times. You do that sometimes with those gigs where you send out some feelers. Like, you're like, when you're like, crap on the company or like the city or something like that. And you're like, you like that one? Because I got a worse one behind me. Right. I got something even meaner here. But if you give me this one. But they always want you to shit on it. Because you go into your, Uber's weird. And they're like, yeah, all right, all right. But then you go, hey, Bob's a douche. Like, yes, Bob!

Talk about Bob. Yeah, we hate Bob. It's so weird and foreign for you to be talking about yourself in a setting like that. Of course. Yeah, so I got kids. They're like, I don't even know who you are. You keep it going. You're like, Bob's a weird looking guy. Everyone's cheering. And I heard he sexually assaulted some employees. You're like, what? You're too far. Listen, I've done some crowd work at corporates that I'm not

proud of. Really? Well, you know, you just, you find the thing that they like, you're trying to like get into a bit usually, uh, like if you can, but like you say, you're like, Oh, this guy. And what I found is good is if you can, uh, get the lower plate employees, if you can get them and realize that you're on their side, not the boss or the corporate, like I did one, it was like a, like a winery and it was for some, uh,

Tech company and like I came in I don't even remember exactly what the jokes were but I was like hey one thing I got common with you guys is I'm not getting paid enough either and we all I did a Norman voice apparently It was a good like way to get in and like the like the boss he's rich he laughs he doesn't care Yeah, I am treating him like crap, but it doesn't matter so there are things like that where you're just like this is just survival I just have to hit my time ish and

I had some bad ones, though. You have to get every man in line, though, to get everyone on board. Dude, I did a, like, early on, I had a gig where a guy's like, hey, I got, like, a company party at my house. And I was like, okay. And he's like, I don't have, like, a sound system, though. Could you bring it? And I was like, I guess. And it was, like, for, like, $400. But I was new. Yeah. That's a lot of money. And he's like, okay, go set it up there on that side of the pool. And they'll all be on the other side of the pool. Oh, no.

And he's like, you do like 25, 30? And I was like, okay, fine. I was really new. All I had was material. I didn't know how to survive in a gig like that. And I bombed for a solid 30. I mean, people kind of just went back to partying. Yeah, yeah. And I just kept going on because I was like, I got to do my time. And I was just like looking at the sound system that I brought. I was like, I want to jump into the water with these. Yes. And then I ended the gig and then I had to tear down the equipment. Oh.

and take it back up to my car. I just picture you doing the Bill Murray and Rushmore just collapsing. That's exactly what you want to do, yeah. And the guy didn't look at me when he gave me the money.

He just kind of looked away and gave me some cash. That was a lot of that early on. A lot of that. They'd hand you crumpled up money, and they'd be like, here, real quick. I'm like, this isn't illegal. No, no, no. You don't have to be so weird about this. What I did did feel illegal. I felt like it was, I didn't want anyone to know about it. That was for sure. Didn't you get fired from a corporate gig halfway through the gig? Yeah, a few of them.

I've fucked up every corporate gig almost I've ever had, but two of them were really like, it shook me. I was like, I was traumatized for a day or two, but one, I've told this story a million times. I'll give you the quick version. So a guy sent me the salary goes, come to my company hedge fund. We do it upstate. I'll, I'll pay for your train ticket.

It's a zillion dollar hedge fund. I get there, it's Ferraris, Lamborghinis, the whole thing in the driveway. And it's like white tablecloth. All the waiters are just serving champagne. Everybody's loaded. Right. And the guy gave me a rap sheet. And he goes, I want you to be vicious. And I go, you got it. So I go up and I'm like, hey, Kenneth, everybody knows you're gay. And his wife's there. She's like, I don't.

She leaves in a huff. And I'm like, oh, that was weird. All right. And then I'm like, hey, Richard, we all know you got a coke problem. When you go in that break room, we know what's happening. And he's like, shut the fuck up. His nose is bleeding or whatever. And I just did that with like eight people. And eventually the guy just went boom. And that made that feedback. He just took the mic from you. He just took the mic and goes, all right.

We're good. Okay. We hit the band or whatever. Did they pay you? He did not want to pay me. I remember he had a cigar in his mouth. He was like, just take it and get out of here. Just get out. And I was like, I did what you asked. Fuck him. Oh, yeah. He was like a big, fat, rich guy. The problem is when they see you at your best. Yes. In the right environment. Right. Where everything aligns. They assume that's just how it always goes. Right. That happened to me once. I remember...

These guys were like booked me for a gig and there's a gig in Bridgeport where I got chased off stage. But they booked me being like, well, I mean, if you're this good here, I'm like, what, on a Saturday night in a comedy club? Yeah, for 12 minutes. Yeah. You think I'm going to crush in a weird fucking part of Connecticut? Right. That's not how it works. Not how it works.

Yeah, they always think they want comedy. They don't want comedy. They don't want to sit and listen to your kids. You know, they don't care about that. My observations on life around us. They don't want any of that. They picture everyone laughing and then being like, wow, I brought this guy. I'm the man. That's what they picture. But it's not that. That happened to me. I got booed off a stage at a college.

Whoa. And they booked me. They're like, I love you. You're great stuff. And I'm like, oh, we'll see. And it was this tiny, you know, a lot of these college gigs. You're like, I'm not even a real place. I really don't anymore. When's the last time you did a college? This was years ago for me, too. I mean, I did it when I started out. Yeah, this was probably seven years ago. And it was like day 13 on the road for me, which is a long time. Like, I don't stay out that long. Yeah, that's a doozy as a dad. And yeah, it was. And I was like.

Yeah. Tits. Yeah. And then I was like, I had like a, I had like an infection on like a cut. I was like sick too. And I was like, all right, but this is the last gig I have to do. And it's in like in the middle of nowhere, West Virginia. Driving through and there's all like, I saw multiple garages that doors that had been painted as Confederate flags. Oh, wow. Which a big statement. Yeah.

Not just the flag. Yeah, yeah. It was like a guy came into that town and was like, this is a service I could offer. And six of the homes all said, yeah, that's exactly what I'm looking for. Is there any party after the 14th one where you're like, I'll just say the N-word just to get them on my side? Yeah, just to get them on my side. Yeah, you know, just to get it going. I don't believe any of this, but, you know, all things to all people here. A kill's a kill. I'm pissed about the Civil War, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not happy either. I'm like, no.

I thought it was about states' rights. It wasn't even about slavery, right? Exactly. Just pander. I think Abe Lincoln was a pussy. You're dropping hints. This is a cotton-picking good time. You know what I mean? All right. So I go...

One too many. All right. One too many. You're all right. You're all right. You're a good teacher. It really seems to care. Yeah. That's its own pod with just you. One too many. By the way, there's one of my favorite things about this pod is when you guys go to your sponsors. My favorite one is when you go, you'll be like, hey, are you guys, you know, we all need therapy. You know, we all, we got some problems in our life. You need to talk someone in your life. You got problems and da, da, da. Anyways, use promo code drunk. Yeah.

for therapy which is like that's what's right on oh yeah there's a market that that's exactly what they want to hear you got that right they're not gonna forget it so

No, it is ridiculous. We've also like health ones. Hilarious. Like athletic greens. It's like promo. Oh, yeah. We have a lot of ones where we're like, yeah, I don't know if this is. But that's like made me, it's made me more healthy. Yeah, we need it. Who needs it more than us? Yeah. Booze bags. We need the greens. It's a great promo. We should make a healthy therapy. An athletic green cocktail. Yeah. I don't know how that's going to taste, dude. That's why we got the mixologist. Sure.

I know you're a bored dad because you listen to the commercials too on the pod. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm like, I eat all this. I'll take two AirPods out for two of the kids. I've never heard us do the ads. Obviously we do, but I don't think I've ever... That one just caught me. Full disclosure, I was fast forwarding, but that was the last one. And I just heard, therapy. Use promo code drunk. Yeah. Fantastic. Good time. So wait, what about the college? Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's like...

the classic college gig where it's not really even a show. They're just like, hey, you're gonna go up here at six. And I walk in and there's like one table and like two kids kicking a soccer ball in the back of this room. - Jesus. - And they're like, so you go on. And you're like, oh, do I have to? It seems like nobody wants this. And what I didn't know was class got out at 6:15 or no, class got out at 6:05 and we were in like the cafeteria. So people started coming in about five, 10 minutes into my set.

And but they're way far away from me. They're like 25 yards away from me. Or the other side of a campus pool. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Ordering their dinner. And all I can hear is like the the sandwich lady being like, Sam, turkey on rye. That's all that's that's all I'm getting. That is what I order actually. Is that right?

And there's like a table in front of me. I'm just bombing like it's not even bombing. It's almost like it's not happening. Yeah, you know non gig and I looked at like I'd start talking to the table and I was like oh They're trying to do anything to survive and she was like why are you talking to us? Oh, well, there's like a comedy show here and then they're three girls studying there They go we didn't ask for this. Oh, and I go you're right. Oh

You didn't, I'm in your study space right here. And I'm just like, but what's happening is a lot of kids, probably like 70, 80 kids are all now in the back, far away from me, but they kind of get wind that there's a comedian bombing. And it starts to kind of like, and I start getting heckles in the distance. You suck, boo. This is all,

I'm just trying to survive. And I go, I'm trying to do anything. I got a bit about names or something. I was like, what's your name? The guy goes, D. And I go, what? And he goes, Deez Nuts. Yeah, classic. Comedic pause, eruption. Yeah. Like, ah! People started standing on the table. Oh, God.

got him, got him, got him. It was like insane how ruckus it got. And I'm supposed to do 60 and I look down at my phone and they're all, and it says 17 minutes, 43 minutes left. And they're all booing me. And I go, I'm good. And I just walked out for you. Cause I, I,

Part of me, the comedy and comic is like, I got to do my time. I was like, there's no winning here. There's no. And so I just like walk off and I go take a red eye from Baltimore back to the stinking city. And then I wake up the next morning to like,

there's all comments all over my Facebook. Deez nuts. Got him. Got him. Like this kid's like trolled me the next day. Now here's the worst part about those gigs is you get off stage and the producer or whatever lady is like, oh, that was bad. And you're like, your fault. It was your fault. This is not my fault. I'm a comedian. I know what I'm doing. I didn't even try to get money. I actually was a little scared. Yeah. Like it gotten, it gotten so wild that I was like, I, I,

I think I'm safe. Right. But if nothing else, they're going to verbally abuse me as I leave. I mean, there are...

30 kids in this city that think I'm the worst comedian of all time. And then I got on stage the next night just to like get rid of it. You do stink. It is like a fish. It does. Yeah. You stink until that next set's the show. I think about that set pretty regularly. Even though like you get off and you're like, you do a set the next night. I had a great set. And you know, you're like, no, I can't do this. But you're like, oh, you know, you're better for it. You know, I was like, yeah, I still wish it wouldn't have happened. Of course. And also you're not better for it.

You would have been fine without that. Yeah, you're right. That's one of those gigs where I relate to that so much, that looking down and seeing 17 minutes, and you've already thrown out your guaranteed crowd. Yeah, yeah. You're like, three of these minutes have been on TV. Exactly. I got none of this fuck. I got none of my weapons left. Right. And now it's like you're just in a shootout, and you're like, just throw the guns now. You're like, fuck, hand to hand, I guess. I don't know.

You got nothing left. It's not your fault. It'd be like if you were really good at basketball and they're like, we got you a basketball game. It's in a cornfield. And then you're like, well, where's the ball? And they just give you an anvil. And you're like, what the hell? This isn't fair. I thought you were a good shooter. Yeah, exactly. I am. Then there were Hicks yelling at you, you can't dribble with that anvil. Yeah. Yeah, I had a gig. This was a lot of money for me, a lot of money. And it was in Philly. And I had to get a tux.

Custom made. That's how high end this gig was. It was a pharmaceutical event or whatever. And it was at this crazy hotel ballroom in Philly. They got me a limo all the way from here to Philly. Got my tux on. Had to get fitted. The whole thing. I get there three hours early. They gave me a stack of note cards. I'm hosting an award show for the best. This is the best sleep aid ever.

Nominees are... And then I would do the whole thing. It was like a four-hour show. It was like the Oscars for pills. And I was like, all right, here we go. A lot of money. And they're like, do 15 up top. Then we'll get into the awards show. They had the ladies back there who would hand the trophies and everything. It was big time. Yeah. And I go up and I go, all right, this is going to be a cakewalk. It's like 500 people in the crowd. Ballroom, beautiful chandelier. And I'm bombing immediately. Immediately bombing. Immediately bombing. And I go, all right, I'm just going to...

That's the little dirty. So you know when you're fingering yourself? Yeah.

I did it on Conan. No, I know. I've done the same show. Yeah, so it's like clean-ish. But this lady goes, that's enough. And she throws the napkin down like a Marx Brothers movie and she runs out. And then the husband runs out after. She's going to throw a pie in her face. Yeah, and I go, some square old bag. We don't need her. Back to the show. Bombing, bombing. And then eventually a guy comes up to the side of the stage and goes,

And I go, excuse me, everybody. Hold on. I walk over. And he goes, you're done. You're done. And I was like, ah. He goes, you're done. I'm going to do it. I'm going to take it. So he just takes the mic out of my hand. And he goes, you just go back. Sit down. I had to sit down at the front table with all these guys. And I go, what happened? They go, that was the CEO's wife. And the CEO ran out. And I was like, ugh. And so...

They're like, you're fired and we'll send you back in the limo. You just got to get out of here. And I remember I left and I saw her crying in the lobby. Oh, my God. Like he was consoling her. And I was like, Jesus, your husband's like a pharmaceutical guru. Yeah, you're literally killing people. You're killing people. Let's go back to putting drugs on the streets. Yeah. He gets a phone call. He's like, more opioids. Yeah. That comedian was so offensive. Yes, exactly. Imagine being that rich. We created a homeless epidemic, but that dirty joke.

Yeah. It's your fault. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine being that rich and being married to that. Right. Just humorless. Yeah. Good point. And also to have some fucking compassion. Yeah. Yes. If I see an artist of any kind, I'm not calling this artist, but if I see a musician or anything. Performer. A performer struggling. Yeah. I don't fucking, I don't think they suck. I'm just like, man, that's tough. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's because we've been through it and we relate to it, but like-

Shit, man. No, it's cool. Even if I don't like their act, I'm just like, eh. I try not to be hard on them. Right. Yeah, of course. Like the girl going, why are you talking to us? Even that's a little harsh. Like, you know why I'm talking to them. They booked me. You think I want to be here? This sucks. It's fucking horrible. It's bad for everybody. Yeah. Sometimes it's just like, yeah, that wasn't meant to be. Right. Your comedy should not have been in that. No comedy should have been in there. Nothing should have been in that room. Yeah. Yeah.

Hilarious. Incredible.

That's amazing. That is funny. It's the opposite of the Apollo pull-off. That is funny when you're a clean comic and like, I'm getting to the level now where I sell enough tickets that I can say to the club, like, hey, if you could book someone clean-ish, that'd be great. But I'm not selling enough that I'll demand it. So I was at Helium in Philly and I told the guy, I was like, did he tell you? And he's like, yeah, I'll work clean. And the first thing he goes out, very first joke, he goes, so I got a baby dick. The first thing he goes, eight pounds, six ounces. Ha ha.

Which is not a bad joke, by the way. That's a pretty good joke. I laughed at it. That was a real laugh right there. Yeah, no, that's a great joke. He finishes into a diaper. I like it. But it was very funny. I was like, I think the definitions that we have of clean here are different. Yeah. I will say the crowds that I do have there, they get it. They're like, yeah, it's funny. We're all, you know. Maybe dick. My friend opened for Galifianakis, this is 10 years ago, and Galifianakis, like a clean comic to open. And I remember being like, that's kind of weird. Galifianakis, he's pretty dirty. Right.

And it's only because that you can just come out and go, so he jizzed in my ass last night or whatever. And you're like, ah, that's just too dirty. Yeah. Like, it's not even funny. It's just you're just saying crazy shit. I've done that, too. I'm not by any means a clean comic, but I don't like when it's excessive. I agree. I agree. Because then it kind of just is like, well, now it's just kind of like cheapened a little bit. Right. Totally. Totally. And I have no problem if they do that, obviously, on their own, but on the show I'm doing. Yeah. I don't want to.

I think there's a little bit of aging there thing too where you're like, I've heard enough of this. Sure. Zoltan had an old joke about it. It becomes unspecial. Yeah, Zoltan had an old joke about it when he went and saw Wolf of Wall Street. He's like, I knew I was old because I was watching. He goes, this is just a bunch of smut up here. Smut's a great word. That's a very, very funny. Smut's fun. This is fun. Yeah, this is just a bunch of smut. Yeah. I do like that movie though. It's a great movie. Great movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Midget wrestling or whatever. That was fun. Midget tossing.

Right. That was in that movie. I like how you thought you corrected yourself with the wrong word. Thanks for cleaning that up. Thanks for making that. We can air it now. It's fine. It's not problematic now. Should we do a bit? I have plenty of midget friends. What? They're on a short list. It's a small world. Should we do a bit? Oh, let's do a bit. All right.

What do you got, Dustin? You want to lead us off? Let me pull out my list here. Sure. I've been kicking around this idea. I try it once. It's another aging thing where the health goals that my doctor have given me, as we're talking about what we should do, he's like, well, you got to go on a lot of walks. You got to do just walking. Not even running, just walk. And he's like, and push-ups, body weight stuff, but you don't even have to do a full push-up. Just push your top half up.

Which I'm like, these are literally the fitness goals of a toddler. That's the goal where you're just trying to get yourself. This is all I need from you is if you could stay straight up and then you can walk. And then I was thinking about how a lot of my pain comes from being on airplanes.

That's why, and I'm sure you guys, which is very embarrassing that that's what hurts us because- Sitting. You sit and you have a thing, a tray, and people give you snacks, which is the closest version of an adult high chair. Oh.

that you're going to get. So I think there's something in there of just like, it's gone toddler-ish of like. That's the type of bit you would think of too. I like the bit. That's a very Normandy. I love a good comparison like that. It is. Normandy beaches. But yeah, that's interesting. It is funny that that, because you think about like pro athletes, they fly everywhere. Right, right. That's not where they're getting hurt.

No, no, no, no. Yeah. It's never like Giannis is out two to four weeks with a, you know. The spirit air. They get to it. It's like, it just move. Just like, like hiking is like almost excessive. Like you don't even have to do a hill. Just walk. Just the basic. You, you get to these, you get to a point where like, it's not even technically exercise anymore. If we could just get you to walk and push yourself up. Yeah. That,

I think there's something in there, the idea of connecting it to a baby. Because they're raising kids. You're so proud of your little kid when they push themselves up for the first time. Like, oh, they've got good head control. Yeah, you could do connections, too. Like when your baby starts walking, you're like, he's walking. And then when you're trying to work out, they're like, Dustin's walking.

He's doing it. He's doing it. He's exercising. It might be funny, too, about you and the baby. You celebrate it with candy or something. Yeah. You get ice cream. And a nap. Get a crustable. Yeah, get candy and a nap. Yeah, you're back in there. Also, when you take a breather, that's like a timeout. You're like, I need a break. It's a timeout.

Well, that's the other thing is that you're supposed to do yoga or whatever when a lot of that is just laying. Just like you can just like lay flat. As you hit near mid-age, it's just the expectations and the goals for what you're doing in fitness are just bare minimum. We get to the age where they don't even really want you to run anymore.

Like, that's too much. It hurts. It does hurt. I think I heard you. That's true. You played with, like, at the rec center and was in Dallas or something. And you're like, you thought you broke your back. I thought I broke my back. I was playing with these young kids and they were fucking fast. Oh, yeah. And it's like, I do that thing where I'm like, I will play as hard as I physically can. Yeah. And I did. Yeah. And I was like, I think I broke my back. Yeah.

It was like a cramp. I was like on the ground for a second. And then I was like, I gave it like 10 minutes. I was like, all right, I can play again. Yeah. But there was a moment where I was like, wow. Yeah. I thought you went just as hard after that.

We switched to half court after that. I was kind of like, guys, I mean, full court. I had to pretend like it wasn't. Hilarious. That's hilarious. Look at this, a half court right here. Full court is crazy. Yeah. That's a lot. That's too much. As you sneak up on 40, you become a half court game guy. Yeah. We don't need to run. But when you're younger, all you want to do is run full. By the time I get a jump shot, I'm like...

Yeah. Yeah. Those first two runs in full pickup too. You're like, Oh my gosh, I haven't done this in a while. Like go, but you want to, your, your pick and roll game has gotten a lot better. Oh yeah. We're doing all the sneaky shit. We're pulling on shorts. No, I mean, it's funny, Brian, I'm a crafty veteran. Brian, who's my tour manager on the road is like, it's funny. We, we got, uh,

We were in Portland, and these dudes... One of the dudes recognized me. He's like, oh, fuck, I'm pumped to play against you. And I was like, all right, cool. And we were playing. And he was playing... We were playing a friendly game, but his friend was going at...

my tour manager hard and he could play this guy but Brian my tour manager's like he's got his pride he's playing fucking D he's in his face to the point that I'm like there's gonna be a fight whoa you ever see that happen incredible yeah the guy it's the dude's fault it wasn't Brian Brian was just like he was bumping into him and he was like well I'm not gonna fucking back down now right so it gets to that point where I was like we're gonna fight and like thank God the game ended but it was like we were right fucking this seems to be happening on the road a lot for you yeah I'm worried about it you've told two row stories well if I've caught Charlie you're so excited yeah

If a game's not over, you end it, my friend. That's funny. A lot of this new hour that I'm developing is all around that 40s thing. Kind of connected. Is this not the one that's out right now? Yeah, totally. I'll start... I'm running new stuff now and in town spots. But when my tour kind of kicks back up in May, that'll be a completely different hour than the runs in the family because you've got to give them that new stuff. But I am like...

It's, it's, this is kind of connected to that of like, and this is connected to that bit of like, it's because I'm near 40 and forties is the last age where you're anyone, no one will call you young in your forties. The only way you're young in your forties is if you die. Oh,

Oh, that's good. And then there's no like, he's so young. It's, ah, he was so young. Right, right. It's only in the past tense. Yeah, exactly. So I'm trying to find this idea. But crowds get, you know, they're there to not think about dying. That's true. You should say that. Yeah, I'm trying to. That could be a funny, that could be an interaction. Oh, yeah, there you go. That's a way to soften it a bit. Yeah, it's like, I know you're here not to think about death. But I'm going through some stuff. I got to talk about it, you know, and I can't afford a motorcycle. So this is me doing the midlife crisis stuff.

Right. So I think it's all around kind of in those things. A lot of mortality stuff. Yeah. Do you find, yeah, when you talk about yourself dying, I don't know, you can see how crowds get real tight on it. Oh, yeah. We drink this stuff. We try not to think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We try not to think about this here on this podcast, Dustin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But seriously, what happens? I had a bad idea I was thinking about. I saw a guy on the street the other day

Crazy guy just in the middle of the sidewalk. Everyone who walked by goes, he goes, I'll fucking fight you. Next person goes by, I'll take your fucking head off. He goes, fuck you. I'm going to fight you. No one even acknowledges him. No one even bats an eye. And I think the angle I'm thinking of is like, man, even for crazy people in New York, it is hard to find what you're looking for. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like you're a single person, you're looking for the guitar, it's like that. This guy can't find another crazy guy to find him. Yeah, he can't link up with another guy. He's got to get on a dating app to find Unhinged. Unhinged! There we go. We matched! Well, you know when your buddy's like, man, I hooked up with this girl, she's fucking nuts. And she's like, bring her

He wants the crazies. What do you mean? The alley. Always the alley. Yes. Yeah. He could also play it off like a one-night stand. Like he beats the shit out of the guy. And he's like, we should do this again sometime. And he's like, yeah. That's great. Something there. Don't call me again. Yeah. Or something. Yeah. Something there. All right. Unhinged. I like. That's funny. All right. What is it?

Bumble. That's funny. Bumble. Interesting. Bumble rumble. Yeah. Mark, what do you got? All right. This is a weird one, but I was at a bar and this girl comes up to me and I was like, I might be a fan. You know how it goes. And she goes, excuse me, are you gay? True story. Yeah. She was a fan. Yeah. She was a big fan. And I was like, no, no. And she's like, okay, okay. I'm not.

You know, you get an old defense. I'm like, no, I'm just saying I'm not. And she's like, all right, all right. She was pretty drunk. And I'm like, I'm just saying I'm not gay. You asked me if I was gay. I'm saying I'm not gay. She's like, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Like now she's going off on a thing. Right. And she keeps harping on it. She won't let it go. And I was like, I'm not gay. Get out of here. And she was like, there's nothing wrong with being gay. So eventually I snap and I go, well, you're pregnant. And she's like, I'm not pregnant. And I'm like, whoa, nothing wrong with being pregnant. And it hit at the bar.

with my friends. But I think that could be something. Because it's like, just because there's nothing wrong with it, which I'm not saying there is, but I'm like, it still can be weird. I'm still saying I'm not. Right. So the pregnant thing is like, obviously the other one would be pregnant, but like, you still want to be called pregnant. Yeah. I like that the stigma of gay and pregnant are the same. Well, I just needed something that she could be. You needed something that she would be repulsed by the idea of. Yes.

It is the attention that she put on you. Like, why is this my fault? I didn't do anything. Right. You came up and asked me the aggressive question. You just don't want to be not who you are. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. It's like you never hear my truth as like a straight guy, but that's... Yeah. And I don't, you know, I'd rather be gay than pregnant, you know? Get ready for pregnancy. Yeah. Good point. Oh, there's conversion camps. Yeah, you can shock it out. Yeah. You know.

Yeah. I don't know. I just needed something that I could call her. I don't think it's like a deeper part of the bit. I think that's the bit. Okay. I'll try it. I think the bit is just the turn. I think the bit is... Are you pregnant? No. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant. There might be a tag. There's probably a tag in there. But it's like this...

Yeah, yeah, that's the deeper meaning. What's the same formula as your Lena Dunham joke? Oh, right, right. You're full of shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, you look like her. Right. Fuck you. Exactly. That's like that formula. Yeah, it might need a tag at the end just to put a button on it to tie it up. I'd like to throw the N-word in there. She was white. Normandy up a bit. What about... I've never said the N-word on stage. I don't know where you're getting this. But

I thought she was a fan. I think you're gay. Why? Because you always say, I'm gay on podcasts. That's what my wife, that's what they said. She was like, well, you do go around saying I'm gay. I was like, ah, touche. I just saw a clip of you doing that. Touche. I also like that you said I've never said it on stage. I've never said it on stage. Ah, text. Yeah. It's said when I'm brought to stage on accident sometimes with my last name. Ooh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And people go, what? I always say Dustin N-word son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about, yeah, so this tag maybe like. Yeah, it sounds like you're the son of a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pregnant. There's like pregnant and I'm trying to think of a comment between pregnant and gay. Yeah, is there something other than pregnant? Or do you think that that's the. Pregnant's pretty good. Pregnant's pretty good, yeah. All right, I'll keep it. Yeah.

It sounded pretty done. Crushed at the bar. What more do you need? That's true. But they were my friends. It's like him at the poker table. I know. I had some bad vibes. It's like a bringer show. Right, exactly. I called him a fat creature from Syracuse and it killed him. I'm like, that's not my best material. No, no. I've had 11 drinks. Creature was good, though. To pull creature out in a drunken stupor is impressive. Creature Lawson.

All right. Well, watch Dustin's new special on YouTube now. Thanks, guys. And thanks for coming on, man. We got some dates. You want to plug some dates? Yeah, plug some dates. Yeah, sure. Go to the website. We're rolling out a new hour here. And speaking of Utah, there we go.

19th to 20th, we're doing Salt Lake, Brea the 23rd, do I say the dates themselves? May 26th, 27th, Des Moines, Chicago in June, San Diego, home gig, LA, Tampa, I'm out there. I'm doing things. A lot of dates. A lot of dates. More to come. Check it out. Sammy, where you at there, fatty? I'm all over, man. Wait, when does this come out?

okay so i got uh yeah miami orlando uh shit ponte vidra i don't know if it's already past this but yeah atlanta charleston durham charlottesville norfolk dc late show added dc yeah baby portchester san diego la sacramento sf and there's a few more coming i mean we got all kinds of

How are you doing the Balboa in San Diego? That's great. We got Columbus coming up. We haven't announced that yet. Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Kalamazoo, Pittsburgh, maybe Baltimore. My website's way behind. Philly, Wilmington, uh,

all over Portland, Maine, Richmond, Hampton Beach. I mean, so much shit. Just go to my website, Charlotte, Knoxville, Memphis. Website, samorell.com slash shows. Yo, announcing a theater tour this summer. Back out on the theaters. Australia going to UK doing the whole

rigmarole. I want to thank everybody for coming out to the Vic in Chicago for the special. And yeah, marknormancomedy.com. I got to update this. I'll be in Oxnard, California and a few other places. But get a bottle of Bodega. Get on the Patreon. Get a glass. Get a shirt. Get a Bodega Cat sweater. Watch Dustin Enwardson's special. And yeah. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Queef it up. Norman's talking shit danger. Not till lunch here at noon.

This woman doesn't.