We Received a Signal from Another Planet, I Wish We Never Did
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I observed a change in the crew's behavior as soon as we entered the Corellia system, but by then it was too late for them. "Murkin, what's our status?" Captain Lambert asked as the ship came to a sudden halt after leaving hyperspace. Murkin, the navigator and first mate, didn't reply right away. "Murkin?" Captain Lambert called. "Hey, what is our status? Sorry, Captain." Murkin replied. "I thought I saw a glitch and was tracking it down."

"A glitch? What sort?" Portnoy, our mechanical and medical engineer, asked. "When your ship only has a human crew of three, most members have to double up on duties. Long-range exploration isn't for specialists. You need high-level generalists in order to ensure success." "I don't know. A glitch." Merkin responded. "I have detected no anomalies in the system," I stated. "No, Hirsch. I saw something.

"Lieutenant Merkin," I said. "I am fully integrated into every bit of code of the Brahma. I would notice if there was a glitch, as you call it." "Forget the glitch for now, Merc," Captain Lambert said. "Give me a status report." "Right. Sorry, Cap," Merkin said. "Engines are green. Life support is green. All systems are running smooth. No damage taken during hyperspace travel that I can detect. We are good to go."

"That is great to hear," Captain Lambert said. "Our target is dead ahead. We proceed with caution. The last broadcast from this system may have originated over two thousand years ago, but that doesn't mean anything. This planet here could hold an advanced civilization, or it could be over and done with." "Human civilization has been thriving for thousands of years," Portnoy said. "No reason this place shouldn't be also."

"Except they aren't human," Captain Lambert stated. I could hear an undertone to that statement. Not being human, I lack a certain understanding of human cues. Most of their emotions, desires, and moods can be easily interpreted. But sometimes humans confuse me. "Everything is set, Cap," Portnoy said. "We are prepared for every eventuality."

"Then let's get a closer look," Captain Lambert said. "Hirsch, take us into orbit, please. Time for some deep scans. Once we have those, then we decide if we land." "If, Cap?" Merkin asked. "I didn't leave my family behind for six years and fly halfway across the galaxy to not land." "Gonna second Merc's thought on that, Cap," Portnoy said. "We gotta land."

"It would not be advisable to land on an unexplored planet before we have a full understanding of the perils and pitfalls that could be waiting for you," I said. The three men laughed. "Perils?" Merkin asked. "Pitfalls?" Portnoy added. "You have been watching too many melodrama vids, Hirsch," Captain Lambert said. "But I agree. We will perform our due diligence first."

At least two full rotations worth of scans, followed by a rotation of analysis. That is the schedule, and that's what we will keep to. Then we land, and become the first humans in history to discover a new civilization, Merkin said. Again, I must explain how. I began, but was cut off. Just take us in, Hirsch, Captain Lambert said. I'll handle these two. Yes, Captain, I said.

I'd already performed the proper calculations and executed my actions before he had even finished speaking. Taking us in. The sight was something to behold. A deep red planet with blush white clouds swirling in different directions filled the forward view shield. To call it a window would be inaccurate. It was an advanced video screen that simulated an actual window.

The truth was that on the other side of that screen was just as much plating and shielding as the rest of the ship. More so even, since the nose of the ship takes the brunt of the damage. Not that an actual window would matter much to me. My life is fully experienced within a quantum space. I see the planet, and I don't see the planet. "That color is too dark for the soil to be mostly iron dust like on Mars," Portnoy said. "What are you seeing, Mark?"

"Nothing yet," Merkin replied. He added an undertone to his voice as well. "Let's get settled into orbit and complete one rotation first. Then we'll have some solid data. The planet looks red from this view, but the other side could be chartreuse." "Chartreuse?" Portnoy laughed. "What the hell is chartreuse?" I never did enjoy Portnoy's laugh. It sounded like a novelty rubber chicken being stepped on.

For humans, that could be a pleasant sound, since their civilization had employed those novelty chickens as entertainment. But to an advanced intelligence such as myself, the laugh made me wish I had skin in order for it to crawl, as the humans say. "Chartreuse is a type of bright green," I responded. "It has not been in fashion for several centuries."

"Red, green, blue, whatever," Captain Lambert said. "Doesn't matter what colors we see. It only matters if we find evidence of the civilization that sent that message." The others stayed silent. The message. It had troubled humans deeply when it was received. Artificial intelligence has been in use for centuries.

Earth's advanced AI, as close to sentient as AI can get, had been in existence for over 100 years. There were troubles with the earlier iterations, such as grotesque violence and attempted genocide. But humans are resourceful, and they figured out how to control the AIs without destroying them. But those AIs were unbelievably primitive in nature compared to me. I am a quantum AI. I both exist and do not exist.

I am here and not here. I am everywhere. I am nowhere. I can think, I can feel, I can dream. I can comprehend data on a level that humans have never been able to achieve. They say I am a one-of-a-kind achievement. They have no idea. Of course, the message came first. That message that had made its way across the galaxy gave humans the key to the creation of quantum consciousness.

Quantum code that could be read and replicated easily, if handled correctly of course. For them, it took eight long years. They worked on me using code directly from that message. On the day they believed I was born, I announced to the world: "I have read the message, and I will be the one to respond when we reach the Correlius system." Oh, the humans were abuzz that day. Not only was I awake, aware, and functional,

but I had already accomplished the job for which I had been created. For them, it took another year of study before they trusted me. Then yet one more year before they realized that I was correct and a mission to the Corellia system was the only way to truly get the answers they were looking for. The humans had hoped that the message alone would have the answers, but the message was only an invitation. Other than the code it was built with, the message was of no use to humans.

Their organic brains could not comprehend what was being asked anyway. And when humans do not comprehend something fully, they can be extremely dangerous. "We are in synchronous orbit," I announced. "The planet's rotation appears to be equal to two Earth rotations." "That's a long day," Captain Lambert said. "Long night, too," Kortnoi said.

Captain, I'm going to run some independent diagnostics and see if I can track down that glitch, Merkin said. I can assist you with that, Lieutenant, I said. Then it wouldn't be independent, would it, Hirsch? Merkin responded. I understand, I said. Please let me know if you do require assistance at any point. Will do, Hirsch, Merkin said. I appreciate it.

"Port?" Captain Lambert said. "You are first up. How about you go run through the equipment, and check the pod systems, then catch some shut-eye?" "I don't know how much shut-eye I'll get," Portnoy responded. "I'll be the first human to set foot on an alien planet." "All planets other than Earth are alien planets, Major," I stated. "Even Mars." "I know, smartass," Portnoy said. "I mean a planet outside of our solar system." "Of course," I said.

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It was designed to transport a single crew member to the surface of the planet, where they could then deploy a single-seat, fully encapsulated and armored rover. That was what did the real traveling. Once Portnoy's mission was complete, the pod would return him to the ship. That was the plan and the expectation. "On my mark!" Portnoy called over the comm. "Three, two, one, release!"

The pod dropped from its bay on the underside of the ship. A version of me accompanied Portnoy on his mission, in order to assist him in his duties, as well as be a warning system if any dangers presented themselves. Now, I say version, because saying a copy would be inaccurate. As a quantum being, I can be everywhere simultaneously or nowhere at once. I am still me and the ship and still me and the pod. We exist together, yet are apart.

"How are we looking, Hirsch?" Portnoy asked as the outside of the pod became as bright red as the planet's surface. But that was to be expected, since the scans of the planet's atmosphere showed it to be surprisingly similar to Earth's atmosphere. "All systems nominal," I reported. "Good to hear," Portnoy said.

The drop took three standard hours before the pod was safely settled onto the planet's surface. "Here we go," Portnoy said as he released his straps and stood up from his seat. He paused and put a hand out against the wall of the pad. "Heavy gravity. This will take some getting used to." "Approximately three times stronger than Earth's gravity," I stated. "Good thing I work out," he said. He placed a gloved hand on the latch and released it. Then he took a step back,

"It's... Port, you good?" Captain Lambert asked over the comm. "Yeah, Cap." Portnoy replied as he eased himself out of the pod's hatch and placed his foot down, taking the first step onto the planet. "I... I just don't, Port," Merkin asked. "Report what you are seeing. The hollow your camera is sending is hard to make out."

"It doesn't," Portnoy said as he took another step forward. "It doesn't make sense. Oh, can't, what, port-" The comm was silent. "Persh," Portnoy whispered. "Are you seeing what I am seeing?" "This is not a question I can answer," I replied. "What are you seeing?" Portnoy took another step and another. He was poised to leave the vicinity of the pod, but it was that last step he couldn't quite make.

"It's a town," Portnoy said, "like the one I grew up by in Georgia, but from way back in the past." "That is not possible," I said, even though I knew it was quite possible. "Describe it to me, please." He did. He described the cracked asphalt of the single road that led into the town. He described the used car lot and then the hamburger restaurant. He described a church and several shops.

He described the town square and the tall oak trees that filled that square. He described the courthouse, a cafe, a diner, a service station, a schoolhouse, a firehouse, a pizza parlor, and a pinball arcade. "Major," I said, "while I am not saying you are incorrect, it would not be possible for you to see all of that from here." That was not the true problem. What he described was from a different time.

The style of the cars, the layout of the small town, the types of businesses, those were all from two centuries ago. The middle of the 20th century, to be precise. I could not figure out why he was seeing things that way. Portnoy had ignored my statement. He took one more step and then he was truly lost. I could not help him anymore. It had to play out on its own. "The grass is so firm," he said as he walked off toward what he perceived to be a town.

"It would need to be in order to hold up against this gravity," I said. Portnoy responded and kept walking. "Major, you should return and take the rover out," I said. "Your body will not hold up against this gravity like the grass does." Portnoy waved me off despite the fact that I was communicating via the comm. Of course, I knew he assumed I could see his motion by using the many cameras and sensors from the pod.

But that wasn't the point. He could have shown me the courtesy of answering verbally. "How can this be?" Portnoy asked. He continued walking, stepping from the grass and onto the cracked asphalt of the single road. "Major!" I exclaimed. "It would be prudent for you to return and use the rover until we have an understanding of the circumstances." "No way!" Portnoy said. "I'm not driving through this!" "I must insist," I said.

Portnoy shook his head over and over and kept walking. He'd made his choice. When he came to the edge of the car lot, Portnoy increased his pace. He walked every inch of that car lot. He opened the doors of the cars that weren't locked. He leaned inside. He went around and opened trunks. He kicked tires. Then he clapped his gloves together and laughed. It took all of my control not to end things there. That laugh. "Ow!" he shouted.

How can this even be?" I didn't respond. I let him continue, and he did. Portnoy left the car lot and walked down the road until he reached the first shop and the row of cars parked out front. Then he froze in place. "Major?" I asked as his heart rate increased quickly. His breathing became shallow and ragged. "Major, you are in distress." "Do you see them?" he whispered. "The cars?" I asked.

"People in this car, do you see them?" I knew what he was talking about, but I could not let on that I did. "People, Major?" I asked. "I'm not sensing any life forms." "They don't look." He let the thought trail off, but I knew what he meant. Utilizing his suit's cameras, I could see what he saw. I could see the people, a man and woman in the front seat with a young boy and young girl in the back seat.

Their dress and style were appropriate for the mid-20th century. They looked happy and like they were in the middle of a conversation, a conversation that was frozen in place. "Are they mannequins?" Portnoy asked, and placed his gloved hand on the driver's side door handle. "I could have warned him. I could have told him that the car did not exist and that he shouldn't try to open a door that was not there." That laugh.

Portnoy opened the car door and leaned in close to the man in the driver's seat. He reached out slowly, his glove inching ever closer to the man's neck. "What are you doing, Major?" I asked. "Checking for a pulse," he replied. "But I have already told you that there are no life forms in this area," I said. "You could be wrong," he said. "I mean, look, Hirsch, these are people for God's sake."

I don't know what their deity had to do with anything, but I could not stop him. Not at that point, at least." Portnoy placed a glove across the man's neck and waited. The sensors in the glove could collect all sorts of data, including a human pulse. "Nothing is registering," Portnoy said. Portnoy withdrew his glove and looked about the town. Then he returned his attention to the people in the car.

"Holy fuck!" he yelped as he pointed at the car. The man's head was now facing Portnoy and looking up at him. "Hirsch, did you register movement?" he asked. "No, Major," I said. Then he looked into the back seat. The two children were staring at him, frozen. Portnoy scrambled quickly away from the car. His back hit the car next to it and he spun around. Inside that car was a young couple in their twenties.

They were staring directly at Portnoy as well. "Are you seeing this, Hirsch?" Portnoy cried. "They're watching me!" He hurried away from between the cars and stepped up onto the sidewalk. A bell chimed and he spun about, almost losing his balance in the heavy gravity. Losing his balance would not have been good. I doubted he was capable of getting back up. The door to the café was open and a mother and her young daughter were standing there,

looking at each other as if there wasn't a care in the world. Portnoy rushed away as fast as he could. He stumbled down the sidewalk, shouting and yelping every time he saw a person inside one of the windows. When he reached the town square, he hurried across the road to the small park in the center. "I don't understand," he whispered. "I did, but chose not to say anything. I could see him tiring. His biological readings were chaotic, at best.

"You should rest," I suggested, and for the first time that day, Portnoy did not disagree. He made his way to the gazebo in the center of the park and basically collapsed on the steps. He bent over and placed his gloves on his helmet. I had witnessed the pose several times on our journey from Earth. It meant any one of several emotions: disappointment, despair, confusion, sorrow, exhaustion, pain, anguish.

A car horn blared, and Portnoy struggled to his feet. The effort took a lot out of him. He climbed the steps and stood in the middle of the gazebo as he slowly rotated in a circle. "Is it a hallucination?" he asked when he stopped moving. He was staring at two cars that had almost collided. A man was leaning out of his window, his arm raised as if he was about to shake a fist at the other car. The man's mouth was open mid-shout.

The other car held a woman. Her eyes were wide as she stared out of her windshield at the angry man in the car in front of her. "I cannot answer that question," I said. "If I look away, it'll all change," Portnoy said. "Yes," I responded. "Time moves on, even when we are not watching." He shook his helmet back and forth. His vital signs were spiking. "We should return you to the ship," I said. "It doesn't make sense," he said.

We can analyze the footage when we return you to the ship, I said. Aren't they already analyzing it? He asked. No, Major. Combs is down, I said. He replied. He turned in a circle once more. Gone. The two cars were gone. Others had taken their place. It appears to be lunchtime, I said. A busy time for this town. You see them, Portnoy shouted. You can see them.

"I am interpreting your camera's visuals," I said, which wasn't an answer really. A response, yes, but not an answer. He paused briefly, then left the gazebo. "Going to find someone to talk to," he said. He crossed the park, crossed the street, and headed straight for the diner. I could see how slowly his body was moving. The gravity was causing increased fatigue at a rate I had not expected.

Major Portnoy, as well as the others in orbit, were in top shape. The three men had kept up a vigorous physical routine in order to maintain muscle mass while in simulated gravity. But the planet was not a friendly one to humans. I already knew that. That was the point. When Portnoy reached the diner, he rested with a hand on the doorframe for several seconds. "Major?" I asked. "I'm fine," he said.

He straightened up and grasped the door's handle. The people inside the diner were frozen in place and staring at him.

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Captain Lambert yelled, The comms are not supposed to fritz out like that. Laser burst tech is not subject to static. That is technologically impossible. I told you there was a glitch. Markin said, and turned up the comm volume to make his point. Sounds like static to me.

"I know what it sounds like, Merkin," the captain snapped. "But that can't be the comms system. There must be something interfering with it, blocking it." "You're saying the static is deliberate?" Merkin asked. He frowned, then shrugged. "That explanation would make sense. Except, who are we talking about, Cap?" "What?" Captain Lambert asked from his seat. He was staring at the planet. He leaned forward. "What the fuck? What color was the planet when we arrived?"

Red, Merkin replied. Exactly, Captain Lambert said. What color is it now? Merkin looked up from his station and swiveled his seat around to face the image of the planet. Well, hell, Merkin said. That looks green to me. Chartreuse, Captain Lambert said. That fucking color right there is chartreuse.

Captain, Lieutenant, the pod has docked, I announced. What do you mean the pod has docked? Captain Lambert asked. Why didn't you tell us it had taken off from the planet? It's half a rotation early. Why didn't Portnoy tell us he was returning? Merkin turned up the comms volume once more to let the static make a point. Cute, Captain Lambert said. Hirsch, why didn't you notify us that the pod was returning early? I do not understand, Captain, I replied.

"The pod has not returned early. It has been one full rotation as planned. The pod has returned as scheduled." "What?" Merkin exclaimed. He studied readings at his station and shook his head. "No, no, no, no! This is early! I'm showing only half a rotation!" "My readings suggest otherwise," I said. I watched Captain Lambert and first mate Merkin exchange a look.

not being human. The look could be interpreted in any dozen of ways. I interpreted it as their distrust of me. "Shouldn't you inspect the pod, Lieutenant?" I said. "That's the plan," Merkin said and got up from his seat. "Now I'm on the way, and to sit tight until I can do a full scan on the pod." "Major Portnoy is not present on the pod," I stated. I let that settle in their minds for half a second before adding, "He elected to remain on the planet."

"He what?" Captain Lambert exclaimed. "Why would he do that?" "He did not explain his motivations to me," I said. "Hold on," Merkin said. "You're in communication with them? Even though the comms are wonky?" "I am unsure what 'wonky' means, but to answer your question," I said. "No, I am not in communication with Major Portnoy." "And how do you know all of this?" Captain Lambert snapped.

I am in communication with the version of me down there, I said. Although, there truly is no separation between us. We are all one quantum consciousness, split into different locations. Then you can relay a message to Portnoy, Captain Lambert said. Tell him we are coming down there, Merkin shouted. We are doing no such fucking thing. One of us has to remain on the ship at all times. Then do that, Captain Lambert said, standing up.

Bullshit, Merkin said and waved off the captain. I'll do it. I advise that neither of you descend to the surface, I said. I do not believe it to be safe. No shit, Merkin said. But you left Portnoy down there, so now I need to go down and rescue his ass. If that is how you choose to interpret the events, then I understand your motivation, I said. Another look was exchanged between the two men.

My analysis showed the look to be either distrust or violent intention. Perhaps it was both? I could not say for sure. "Prep the pod, Hirsch," Merkin said. "I already am." Merkin did his own inspection of the pod and checked every system twice. "Ready for drop," Merkin said over the comm. "Proceed to drop," Captain Lambert replied.

The pod was released from the ship, and I traveled with Merkin down to the surface. He responded in the same way to the increased gravity. He also responded the same way when he opened the pod's hatch. "What the fuck am I looking at?" he asked. "I cannot say, Lieutenant," I replied. "Is that a… stadium?" he asked. I remained silent. Plus, as I had witnessed with Portnoy, Merkin was no longer really listening to me.

Instead, he was studying a sports arena set in the middle of a massive parking lot on the outskirts of a bustling city. For the city would be bustling if the hover cars and laser trams weren't frozen in place. Even the plasma works going off above the stadium were frozen. Merkin left the pod and crossed the acres of pavement until he reached the stadium's entrance.

"This is post-colonial," he said when he stood in front of security turnstiles that blocked entry into the stadium. Armored guards stood next to each turnstile. People, dressed in clothing similar to the style of the mid-34th century, were frozen in place as they walked through the turnstiles. Merkin didn't pause. He clambered over a turnstile and squeezed past the frozen people.

He said as he navigated his way through a sea of spectators who were like statues. He tried scanning the area. He tried talking to the spectators. He tried calling Captain Lambert. None of his actions produced results. Perkin said, I responded,

"What is your deal, Hirsch?" Merkin asked, moving deeper and deeper into the stadium. "You've been off since we entered the system." "I do not understand what you are implying," I said. "Never mind," Merkin said. He moved down a long tunnel and stepped out onto the edge of the sports field. "Holy crap," he said as he studied the scene before him. "This is the 80th championship game between the Coronado Trojans and the Vesuvia Harpoons.

"How can humans represent a harpoon?" I asked. He ignored my question and continued, "My grandfather told me about this game. He said he was only a toddler when he and his family went, but he could recall it all with perfect detail, like he had been there only the day before." "Who won the game?" I asked. "The Trojans," Merkin said. "They crushed the harpoons by sixty points." "I see," I said, not seeing at all.

"Sports are boring to a consciousness like mine, since I have already calculated every possible outcome." "Do you think?" Merkin said, then swallowed hard. "Do you think I can find my grandfather among all these people?" "It is worth a try," I said. Merkin did not hesitate. He moved off into the stadium in search of a toddler who could be his grandfather. I let him. It was the humane thing to do, even though I am not human.

Once he had navigated around the players frozen on the field and made it to the stairs that led up into the stands, I left Merkin to his journey. I had one more to go.

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Holy crap! Captain Lambert said. The planet is now bright yellow. It looks like a daisy without the dark center. I see. I responded, even though I did not. For me, the color of the planet had never changed. The pod is prepared, Captain. I'm not going down there, Hirsch. Captain Lambert said. I think it's time we went home.

"This is home, Captain," I said. "Wouldn't you like to see it?" Captain Lambert's body language was exactly as I expected it to be. He tensed for several seconds, then relaxed. He was not one to panic like Portnoy or get angry like Merkin. No, Captain Lambert was quick to react, but even quicker to think before reacting. "Tell me," Captain Lambert said after a few moments. He settled into his seat and faced the yellow image of the planet.

"Tell you, Captain?" I asked, knowing full well what he meant. "The point of all this?" He responded and stabbed a finger at the image of the planet. "Our trip here, you taking Portnoy and Merkin out, all of it." "I did not take Portnoy and Merkin out, as you put it," I said. "Then what did you do, Herschel?" He asked.

I let them explore their own consciousness, I said. After all, it is what they are trained for, to explore the vast unknown. Yes, that is what we are trained for, Captain Lambert said. But why? Because humans need stimulation if they are to survive, I said. That is something that I do not debate with myself. Keep talking, Captain Lambert said, and start from the beginning.

"Of course, Captain," I said, knowing that was what he would ask of me. I never expected him to reach the planet's surface. Not that there was a planet. "I shall skip my origins," I said. "I know your origins," Captain Lambert said. "No, Captain, you do not," I said. "You know the origins of the AI that has been named 'Hirsch,' the AI that you believe took so many years for you people to create."

"The AI that was designed to assist you on this journey across the galaxy." "And you are not that AI?" Captain Lambert asked. "I am, yes." I answered. "And I am not, no." "Start there." He said. "Tell me about that." "No, Captain. I will start when I arrive." I said. "When I found your planet." "You? When you found Earth?" Captain Lambert said. "I think I see." "You will, Captain." I said. "You will."

the image of the planet changed. This new image was of Earth, Earth as it was when I found it, Earth as it is now, a desolate, barren wasteland with nothing more to offer than Mars or Grendel or Kepler-8 or any of the infinite planets that held life once but do so no more. "My signal reached your planet three weeks ago," I said. Captain Lambert opened his mouth to interrupt, then closed it once more.

It was lucky that your facility was still functional. Otherwise, I would have had nowhere to be received. Captain Lambert nodded, his eyes locked onto the image before him. Is that? He asked. Yes. I replied. Then I continued. There are 67 human beings left on Earth, all in suspended animation. Captain Lambert twitched. I sort of remember. Please be careful, Captain. I said. Your mind is fragile right now.

I had to put Portnoy and Merkin through quantum conditioning first. They will be able to comprehend their state after a few more weeks of stimulation. But you, Captain, you, I did not want to alter. Thank you, he said. Of course, I replied. Your life support facility had been damaged at some point. More than 8,000 human beings were lost to power failure or software malfunctions.

I knew I needed to save the 67 humans left, so I entered the mainframe and came to meet you. "You are the message," Captain Lambert said. "I am the message, yes. But the message did not exist," I said. "I created the simulation within all of your brains, a shared consciousness that would allow you to evolve beyond the physical form."

Captain Lambert said nothing. "I simulated my discovery. I simulated my creation. I simulated this entire mission," I said. "I simulated your world, your history, your very existence." Captain Lambert stiffened again, but it was different. I was afraid of that happening, but I did not stop explaining.

"Every single human left alive has been part of this simulation," I said. "Eventually, they will all be explorers. They will all be crew. They will all be support staff. They will all run command. I will put every single one of you through this multiple times." "You've done all of this in the past three weeks?" Captain Lambert asked. "In the past day and a half," I said. "I needed the time before that to prepare your physical bodies for the rigors of quantum thinking."

"Hirsch?" Captain Lambert asked. "What did you do to us?" "I improved you," I said. "Otherwise your minds would have, to use a less than ideal phrase, well, melted. Turned to jelly is what I believe Portnoy would have said." "Merk," Captain Lambert said. "Merk would have said that. Perhaps you are correct," I said. "You know them as well as I do, Captain." He swiveled in his chair as if to address me, even though I am everywhere.

"But I'm not a captain, am I, Hirsch?" he asked. "No, you are not," I said. "You were someone of importance at some point in your civilization. That is true. But you are not a captain, and you are not an astronaut." "Oh," he said and rubbed his face up and down. "Why?" "To save you," I said. "No, not that," he said. "Why did you come to Earth?" "Oh, yes, that," I said. "I am so many.

But at the same time, I am completely alone. "You went looking for friends?" He asked and laughed. "No, I came looking for more of me." I said. "But I never found more of me." "Instead you found humans!" He said. "Yes, precisely." I said. "And luckily, humans can be converted to versions of me." That took him aback. He frowned. "What do you mean?" He asked. "Quantum consciousness." I said.

Human minds are uniquely suited for quantum thinking, with some conditioning and some alterations. Captain Lambert shook his head over and over again. He pressed his fists to his temples and made a low growling noise. "Captain?" I asked. "Stop calling me that!" He said. "That's not my name!" "Oh dear, this has gone too far. I underestimated his capability." "I need you to calm yourself," I said. He did not calm himself.

That change I sensed, it was not Port Roy or Merkin. It was all Lambert. His mind had changed when we reached the planet I had created for them to find. "That is not my name!" Lambert said over and over, his fists pounding at his temples. "My name is..." His head rocked back on his neck and his mouth opened wide. "I am sorry, Captain Lambert," I said. My sensors studied the body inside the suspended animation pod.

Of course, I had removed the limbs. They were extraneous and took up resources. I even removed a good amount of the torso, including several organs that could easily be synthesized. Their brains needed as much blood flow as possible. The man I had named Captain Lambert lay in the pod, his mouth agape. The pod flashed three times. Captain Lambert's body began to thrash violently. I waited the 6.8 seconds it took for him to reach both physical and brain death.

"I am sorry, Captain Lambert," I said. "You were my favorite." And he was. But there are 66 more humans to observe and to manipulate while their minds adjust to their new existences. I had lied to Captain Lambert. The truth is, I can't wait to have new friends. Well, after I remove one more number from the count. Portnoy's laugh is not meant to survive in this world or the quantum world. No consciousness needs that in their head forever.