Ugly Babies
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Shut up. Welcome, welcome to I've Had It Podcast, where we are a place for open-minded thinkers that like to traffic in petty grievances as the patriots and the gayatriots know. The star of our show, her name is Pumps. My name is Jennifer.

And we'd just like to welcome you here today, right, Pumps? Welcome to I've Had It Podcast. That was a newscaster voice. That was really good. Thank you. You're kind of sexy. I'm too sexy. I see a lot of comments on YouTube. I think you have a lot of people that have crushes on you. Really? Yeah. Well, maybe I should take a little look. Yeah, you need to do a little looky-loo. A little looky-loo. I thought you and Kylie were going to vet it, though.

Make sure I don't pick a serial killer. We'll do that in our spare time. Okay, Kylie, it's my understanding that you found some rather alarming stuff on the internet. I do. I have an article that someone on Patreon sent me. Okay.

And it's titled, A Church is Going Viral for Selling Plots of Land in Heaven for $100 per square meter. And the caption says, A Christian church is turning online for selling these plots. The pastor says he spoke to God and he was granted permission to do this. They have already collected thousands and thousands of dollars. And I just want to note on the ad that

It looks like they take Google Pay, Apple Pay, all major credit cards. I mean, is that where we are now? That's where we are. Here's the thing.

That is not new because I know in all my Scientology documentary work, they keep bank accounts for your next life. So you give them money and they put it in a bank account for your next life. They just hold on to it until you come back in your next life. So selling plots in heaven is right on par. What I think when I hear that is,

is, okay, we got a huge grift going on. But the bigger problem is the people buying them that actually think that that's legitimate. That's where the real problem is. Don't you think? Of course. Yeah. I mean, it's so unbelievable that people are buying non-existent

Right. And that there are ads for it and there's a payment system for it and there's no oversight for this. It's just jaw dropping that somebody believes somebody that says,

I got permission from God to start selling land in heaven and you can buy your land from me. Right. God said it was okay for me to sell you these plots. I mean, it's just, it's jaw dropping. Another little tidbit from all my cult work. Okay.

The Mormons, they're quote unquote prophets. They always tell the people, I talked to God and God told me. Like, so that, I mean, it's like, if you're in that kind of world, like if somebody walked up to me and said, well, I talked to God and God said that I need to buy you lunch. I would be like, that's fucking weird. But if you're indoctrinated to it, it doesn't seem as weird. I've told you about that girl that used to,

like babysit across the street for me. Yes. For years. Flowers. Yes. God told me that I got flowers at my front door and I open them and there's a note. God told me to send you these flowers. And I'm just like, this is number one, that conversation never took place. And if it did. 100%. It didn't. Schizophrenia. Number two, somebody needs to get you help. Right. You need help. Like.

Like, if this is your way of like trying to recruit me to be a part of your religion, it has failed miserably. And like that stuff, like grifting these people, I guess you're just so far indoctrinated into all of this shit that you think. But here's the thing, and I'm going to have a hot take here. My opinion, there's no difference from selling imaginary plots of land

Right.

Where these megachurches that have 95 branches across the United States and take Venmo and have one preacher that does everything online and they take in hundreds of thousands of dollars every Sunday, if not millions, that's a total ripoff as well. So I guess a human being's ability to enable clear,

scam artists and ripoff artists is jaw dropping to me. But the preachers offer this like God will favor you if you do this. And here's the deal. Everybody's broken. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has bad thoughts. Everybody tells a white lie. That's a part of the human experience.

These megachurch people have figured out how to profit off of the human experience. So in that regard, it's kind of brilliant, but it's immoral. It's completely immoral. I don't know how these people sleep at night knowing that what little they're contributing to society and how much they're ripping off their flock and have amassed all

All of this obscene wealth. Massive. And you know, a lot of these churches during the COVID shutdowns got PPP money. Oh, really? Oh, yes. Millions and millions of dollars of PPP money when they have the surplus of these massive bank accounts. Catholic Church, megachurches all applied for PPP money. And think about how disgusting that is that they don't pay taxes. Yeah.

That's the biggest grift, the no taxes. Yeah. So, I mean, it's not – that's egregious to me, the selling plots, imaginary land. But I'm just going to say I think what these – a lot of these churches are doing to their flock to try to make them feel better for the human experience, for making mistakes, for lusting after somebody, for finding somebody attractive. Maybe somebody had an affair or something.

All of these things are, you know, hurtful in the moment, but they're not, they don't make you a bad person that you can tithe your way out of. Right. There's not a, there's not like a bounty. Right. For forgiveness. I was just thinking if I put that on Instagram or whatever, whatever the platform was, and I said, I'm going to sell you this land. If I didn't have the land, that would be a crime. So the church has an exception. Right.

Because, I mean, I would think that would be a crime. Like if you or I were saying, yes, buy these imaginary plots, if somebody sued us, it would be a crime. Fraud. America's greatest legal mind at work right here. Patriots and gayatriots, today you are getting your money's worth. This is worth the time because counselor pumps.

is identifying crimes. She's identifying exceptions. And this is why this podcast is one of the greatest podcasts in America. That's right. For the patriots, for the gaytriots. Top-notch thinking right here. Yep. And I just want to throw one more thing out there. These churches, I guarantee you, the people that are selling the make-believe land in heaven have a very anti-gay

anti-woman rhetoric from the pulpit. Oh, I'm sure. You just can rest assured. And so how these people are able to skirt what every other business has to do, which is pay taxes, when they have institutionalized bigotry. And this is what is so sad, is gay people are born into religious families. Mm-hmm.

And their religious communities and their religious families reject them for being who they are. So I've had it. I mean, up to my eyeballs, as everybody knows, from the architecture to the grifting, from the make-believe land, I think that...

religious extremism is a cancer in this country that hurts society and doesn't help. There are a lot of people that have a faith that is reality-based. They don't take the Bible literally, and they genuinely want to put a better footprint for themselves without any expectation that somebody believes the way they believe. And there's a lot of people that I know that are like that, and I don't take issue with that.

But with the sanctimonious, I'm on the moral high ground. The gays can't get married. You can't be gay. We're going to pray the gay away. Women can't have babies out of wedlock. You have to submit to the husband. All of those people, fuck you. I agree.

Pumps, our ability to suck and then wake up the next day and suck more than the previous day is undefeated. It's unparalleled. We are the champions. If you would like to see how bad we suck, please join us in Seattle in September or New York City in November for, you know, just some world-class shit talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. That's right. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com.

You know, pumps, there are so many things in my life that are non-negotiable. Like I'm always going to exercise my body because it makes me feel better and it decreases my generalized anxiety. Another example of this that is non-negotiable are my sessions with my better help therapist. She totally keeps me centered, keeps me focused on what is my business and what is not my business.

Better help therapists are invaluable. I particularly like it's so convenient and flexible and I can sit and do it in my pajamas. Yes.

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agent. So when it comes to finding a home, not just a house, this is everything you need to know all in one place, homes.com. We've done your homework. All right, Kylie, what else do we have today? We've got some voice memos today. Oh, good. So we will start off with Ashley. Ladies,

Ashley here. I have fucking had it with airplanes. I know we go over this time and time again. Recently had a trip to Las Vegas. Flight attendants asked everybody when we got off the plane if they could let the connecting flights go first because we were on the tarmac longer than we should have been. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I stand up. I'm waiting my turn. And lo and behold, a fucking Karen behind me has the audacity to say, do you have a connecting flight? I turned around at her and say, what's it fucking to you?

And then she looked at me. I said, yes, I do. And then she proceeds for the next 20 minutes till we get off the flight to talk loudly enough that we all could hear her. Well, apparently everyone has a connecting flight. Apparently everyone has a connecting flight. Apparently everyone's got to get off this plane. Wow. Can't follow simple instructions. Karen.

Do you not think that people want to get off this fucking plane? Probably to get away from you. So yes, apparently everyone and their mom had a connecting flight that night and everyone got off the plane. But guess what, Karen? You got off the plane. You might have had to put a little more pep in your step, but I'm sure you're needing those extra steps in your day. So I fucking have. Air travel brings out the worst in people. You know, I was thinking about this last time we were traveling. Everyone on a plane is expected to

to act the same way. Everybody's supposed to conform. And you've just got a lot of people that are incapable of that. They're incapable of coexisting and being kind and the golden rule, you know, treat people like you want to be treated like they can't do that. But I've been on planes with people that are thrown a fit about the connecting flight. And I'm like,

Dude, they're not going to trap you on here and make you stay for five years. You know, I mean, it's like everybody gets off a plane. Yes. And I've been the person that has the connecting flight. And especially when you've been sitting on the tarmac for 30, 45 minutes, because for some reason, these airports are shocked that a plane shows up. Right. They don't have a gate ready for you, which is a whole nother episode entirely. But I digress. Right.

And I've stood up and I have a super tight connection. Josh and I recently experienced this and I stand up and I said, we have a connection. And they're like, yeah, we do too. And I'm like, okay, great.

And it's just, you just kind of have to accept it. There's about a two inch lane that everybody has to get down. Right. To get out of the hole, to get into the airport, to go enter the next plane. But it's the people that want to be the boss of the exiting on the airplane or the entrance. Right.

Like, recently, I was getting onto a flight, and I asked – there was – everybody was kind of in one single file line. And I was trying to figure out where, like, the end of one group was and the beginning of the other group was. So I asked this guy, I'm like, are you group one or two? And he's like, I'm group two. And I go, okay. So then I asked the guy in front of him. And I go, are you group one or two? And he goes, I'm group one. I go, okay, I'm going to get behind you. So then the guy behind me goes, why are you cutting in front of me? Right?

And I go, well, because I'm going to board before you. But if you want to stand in the line in front of me, that's fine. I'll stand behind you. Right. And he goes, okay. Yes. So Josh and I got behind him and we just stood behind him because I'm like, I don't want to fight with him. If he thinks I'm cutting, he can win. You know, like I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not dying on this hill. Right. And so I let him stand in front of me. And then he starts going with,

with group one, he starts going all the way through and the flight attendant was like, sir, you're in group two. You need to get to the back of the line. And I just, and I just, I just went on, but I was like, I'm not going to fight with this guy about it. If you think I'm cutting you in, I'll get behind you. Yeah. And here's the deal. I mean, I know that this is kind of off point, but

When they call a boarding and they say group one, group two, and you've got group seven and eight with their faces pressed up against the line. I'm like, it's unnecessary. Stay back. You can't board. Why are you crowding the lane? What about that day that we went full blown Patriot at the airport, the three of us? It's I think we've talked about it before, but it's just so hilarious that we were dicking off in the airport, you, me and Kylie.

And it's like, you know, flight to Philadelphia or wherever we're going is leaving now. So we race to the gate and we get up there. And then I'm the first in line. Then it's Kylie. Then it's you. And she scans my ticket. She goes, thank you for your service. Patriots.

Gay triads. She knew immediately. She recognized overt patriotism when she saw it. Right. She thanked me immediately for my service. She knew. She knew immediately the service we're providing. She knew we're taking back the flag and the eagle. That bird is our bird. It's our bird. You can't have it. No. All right. Up next, we've got a voice on the phone from Maddie.

Hi, gin and pumps. My name's Maddie and I'm a really big fan. Okay, I'm gonna jump right in. I've had a hat it slash hit it this week. I went to my first pride parade this year and I posted about it on my Instagram because it was my first time really telling the world that I'm a lesbian. And I had a feeling I'd lose some followers because I'm from a very conservative town in Georgia. Search up Forsyth County and that will tell you everything you need to know. Anyways, I was right. By the end of the day, I lost 30 followers for my post.

I'm really not one to care about how many followers I have, but what I do care about is how many of those followers are assholes. So I've had it with homophobes, but here's where I hit it.

At around six unfollows, my mother was astounded at such behavior. So she went through and screenshotted all of my followers so that at the end of the day, she could review and see who unfollowed me. Her reasoning being that if it's anyone she knows, she would like to unfollow them. So we hit that. Anyways, happy pride and all my love to my two fave lesbians, Kylie and Pumps and lesbian adjacent Jen. Kisses.

You know, when you first started your grievance, my heart just panged so hard that people would unfollow you because you're being who you are. And a lot of people say, why is it Pride Week? That's why it's Pride Week, because you put shame on them for being who they are. The opposite of...

shame is pride. But to know that your mother went full gangster because that's the kind of, that's the, that's how loyal I am. I am, I am just like, if you vote against the gays and do all the shit, I'm, I'm not, I'm not going to go along with that. I, I am not going along with that. Like, kudos to your mom and the story ended so well because I just, I think that right now is a time in, uh,

American politics where people will say, I'm just everything so hyper politicized, everything so hyper politicized. And it's like the people that are politicizing everything are the people that don't want everybody to have the same. Right. And so quality. Right now, we all have to speak out for women and for the LGBTQ plus community at all times. Right. And quit being duplicitous. Like, seriously, do you want...

you know, a right to health care and a right to privacy? Or do you want rape victims forced to have their rapist baby? Do you want to be able to put an IUD in or take the pill without it being Donald Trump's business? Then fucking vote accordingly. If you're a MAGA Republican, you're in a cult.

If you're a Democrat, I don't agree with everything the Democratic Party does. But I agree that I want human rights. I believe that the Republicans always wreck the economy. Just look at the stats. Google it because they are not good at it. That's a huge myth. And I want democracy.

people that are marginalized to stop being marginalized. And I feel that in every fiber of my body, that you have to advocate for the weakest, most marginalized members of society, that that is the most moral thing that you can do. So kudos to the mom in Georgia that did a roll call, that kept her receipts.

and unfollowed because you know what? I would do the exact same thing. If I had a gay child...

Hell hath no fury like the scorn that I would put on anybody that was cruel to my child. I mean, I would just, I would feel a need to love. I don't know that I could love my children more, but if they were gay, I would have to dig deeper and love them a million fold more because I would know that so many in society are going to be cruel to them, but not their mom. Not their mom. And they would always know.

I had their back. Oh, 100%. Oh, totally. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right, up next, we've got Driss. Driss? Driss. Hey, Jen. Hey, Pumps. Hey, Kylie. Love you guys so much.

I need to just say that I have fucking had it with straight couples showing PDA at the gym. I am disturbed by that. First of all, aren't you there to work out? Second of all, nobody wants to fucking see that. I don't even want to see people showing each other affection when I'm watching porn. And third...

Are you trying to make me throw up in my mouth while I'm running full speed on the treadmill? Stop taking mirror selfies together. Stop hugging each other. Stop kissing each other. Stop squeezing each other in weird places that nobody else wants to see. Thank you and good day. Driss, I love you. Driss is the best. First of all, you just could have stopped the I've had it with I've had it with straight couples. Right. And that's how many things came to mind. That just could have ended right there. But he brings up

So many important points. And it has been our long storied campaign against PDA. Hate it. Here's the thing. When it's so overt and so staged, you know they're covering up for an insecurity in the relationship or some shortcoming. 100%. If it's a natural, you're out and about, somebody puts their hand on somebody's back, there's a peck, and it's not this staged thing. But making out in the gym...

Here's what got me the mirror selfie. The couple mirror selfie. What? Why? Do you not have mirrors to pose for at your house?

Why do you have to do it in public? You know how I feel about PDA. I'm a long anti-PDA-er. But I also love, Driss said, it made me want to throw up in my mouth because I say that all the time. I'm going to throw up in my mouth. Here's one point that we have to talk about that was probably the funniest thing I've heard all day is that he doesn't even like PDA in porn. I love that. I want...

porn i want pda free porn yeah i just want an in and out boom yes get to the neck cutting get to the neck cutting nobody wants to see any french kissing we don't have to have a lot of passion right making out yeah a slobber no just get in get out i like it that's fantastic dress is a star all right up next we've got jane

Hi, Pumps. Hi, Jenny. This is Jane from Texas. And I've had it with all these crunchy moms that I'm seeing on TikTok talking about how they don't go to the doctor or take prenatal vitamins and they drink raw milk and they eat raw eggs because they think it's just super trendy. Like they're fucking Amish or something. I'm so sick and tired of seeing it. It's not healthy, bitch. Go to the fucking doctor.

And just a side note, I'm pregnant with my first baby and I listen to y'all all the time. And I'm really hoping if I play enough episodes that the baby will hear it and they're just going to come out a complete bitch just like me. Yeah. You know, the whole like not going to the doctor thing.

Listen, I believe in your freedom to choose to do that or not. But I do think there is a pretty large body of evidence that modern health care has decreased instances of death. Yeah.

And it's increased life expectancy. And I think this is pretty established science. Now, within that, are there issues with the for-profit health care system that we have here? Yes. Are there issues with the state-funded health care system like the NHS in Britain? Yes. But I am not a person that is capable of thinking that I could self-treat something. Right.

That's what gets me about it. And it kind of goes back to COVID. It's the same thing. It's like, I'm going to get on WebMD and I'm going to read, what do you need to do with pregnancy? What's a do, what's a don't on WebMD? And so I'm going to say, I know better because I read WebMD and I got on TikTok and

And they're saying you can eat raw eggs. I don't know if you can eat raw eggs when you're pregnant or not. I can't remember. Sounds like you probably can't, but who cares? That's not the point. The point is, if you have an illness and you diagnose yourself on the internet, then you have to stick with it.

Like, okay. So it's just like the fact you had a great idea during COVID. Let's have a Facebook hospital. Everybody that doesn't want healthcare, hospital care, medical care, science for COVID, then you meet in the Facebook hospital tent. Right. And you all can web MD it with your Facebook doctors and see where that gets you. If you're in, be in, but don't be, I'm going to diagnose myself. I'm going to do all this shit from TikTok. And then when something goes wrong, then blame healthcare.

But and here's the deal. At the end of the day, you want to do that. You don't you want to go it. It's a free society. Absolutely. And I believe that if you don't want to go get health care, you don't have to go get health care. But when shit happens, really serious shit happens, then you decide to honor the science. The rest of us are all kind of like, yeah, it's kind of been there all along. Right. It's not a mystery.

Pumps, our annual Thanksgiving trip is coming up where you and I both take our families to Mexico. Are you worried about this?

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that you're considering. Listener, download the Viator app now and use code Viator10 for 10% off your first booking in the app. Find travel experiences for you. Do more with Viator. Pumps, why don't you tell the listener about your metabolic coach? First of all, I had no idea how important your metabolism is to your body.

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Go to lumen.me slash had it to get 15% off your Lumen. That's L-U-M-E-N dot M-E slash had it for 15% off your purchase. We'd like to thank Lumen for sponsoring this episode. All right, Kylie, who's next? We're going to play another rendition from our friend Nick G. And it's the Meemaw remix of Like a Prayer. Nick G's been busy.

Pumps is a mystery. My Nana just wants to bone. I see you hit that vape and it feels like home.

I can't. It's just...

The creativity and the accuracy. Absolutely. The Hefky came in, the Double D. I mean, I think we need to collab with this guy and drop an album and you could be doing like dancing. I think, you know what? Didn't some crazy ass Trumper drop an album? She was, what's Lara Trump?

Oh, she sucks. We're moderately kind of cool. I mean, Kylie, do you think we should drop an album? I think we should drop an album. With him. He's the lead singer and Pumps and I are the dancers. Obviously. Can't they auto-tune our voices because Pumps and I are prolific, horrible singers. 100%. Pumps, go ahead and sing the real Like a Prayer for the listener. I just want to say, I love Like a Prayer. It's one of my favorites. Why don't you do a little? I can't. Just real quick. Just Like a Prayer. Come on.

Just like a prayer. Your voice will take you there. Just like a prayer. Nick is a 10 out of 10. I love him. We ought to make some theme songs out of that. A ringtone. I hate to change yours from her, but. I just love all of his songs. They're so good. Oh my God. When you hit that vape, you're shaving your husky. It's all the high notes. Double D's. Everything's there. Taking it from the rear. Yeah.

Which every patriot and gaytriot knows is your favorite way to take it. I mean, 100%. I mean, this is... I like it. Talk about established science. You don't even have to go to the Facebook hospital to figure that out. No, you don't. You absolutely do not. All right, Kylie, last one. All right, this one is a grievance that we have gotten a lot and never addressed. So this is from Jay Quellen.

I have fucking had it with these new parents posting pictures on Instagram of their babies and slapping a big fucking emoji face on the baby's face to protect their privacy. Now, I get it. You don't want your baby's face all over the World Wide Web. But no one wants to see a picture with an emoji over someone's face.

If you're concerned about your child's privacy, then don't fucking post that shit. Even if your account's private. Clearly you don't trust your fans. Just save that fucking picture and send it to Nanny and Pappy and that's it. No one else needs to see that shit. I have fucking had it. I've had that same grievance.

I'm like, even if it's a big star, I'm like, a baby looks like that picture for about 30 seconds. I mean, it goes so fast. It's not like you're going to be able to identify a baby from any other baby. They all look alike. I mean, they all look like newborns. There's nothing that exciting about any of them. But I have noticed the face thing. I'm just like, why put the picture on there? Why? I've noticed the exact same thing. And I think the exact same thing. Do not...

Post your baby on the internet if you do not want people to know what your baby looks like. It's an easy fix. It is the easiest fix of all. I mean, it's just, it's not even complicated. No. I don't want you to see my baby. Therefore, I'm not putting my baby on social media. Problem solved. You know what I'm going to start doing? I'm going to start posting pictures of you and me. And I'm going to put a little emoji, a Siberian husky emoji over your face. Okay.

To protect your identity. Yeah. It's seriously, it's so stupid. There is such an easy fix for it. But to act like your baby is so important.

And you have to cover their identity with an emoji. It's just, it's, it's again, another layer of performative internet bullshit that if you don't like that shit, then just don't participate in it. Right. It's so easy. It's just, I can't even tell you how easy it is. And if somebody doesn't want a picture of their kid on the internet, I respect that. I totally get it. You're the mom, you're the dad. Don't put the pic of the kid on the internet. Right.

But to kind of tease the kid on the internet with a heart eye emoji, I've had it. I've had it. I've completely had it. And that's a great one that we hadn't thought of. That is. It is an absolutely fantastic one. And I think there's an argument to be made that like, you know, all of these kids get all of these pictures put on the internet of them without their consent. I don't post my kids on my page that much because...

Because now they're older and they don't care. But they would get – I would put an image up and my kids would say when they were in junior high or high school, I don't like that. Will you please take that down? And I immediately would. Right. Because it's – you know, that's the right to not want to be on the internet. But yeah, I think that's crazy. And I've seen this a lot recently. I have too. Bitch, you live in Oklahoma City. You are not –

like some dignitary undercover covert spies kid. No, that's nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. But well, I would say I do know a person that always likes to point out ugly children to me. Oh, yeah, that's true. And her name is

Would be similar, would be the exact same person of America's Greatest Legal Mind. It's also, you guys, she is sharp as a tack when it comes to recognizing ugly kids. We're out and about or an image. God, that kid's ugly. Yeah, that kid's ugly. That kid's not very cute. Yeah. All right, listener, thanks for tuning in. We're going to continue this conversation over with our cult podcast.

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