Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb F**k
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Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships. Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances.

We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever. You get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe, and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind, pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw-caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Caw-caw.

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Welcome to I've Had It Podcast starring Pumps. I am her supporting emotional support co-host. You're my bitch.

I've had it as a place where open-minded people can share petty grievances across the world wide web. Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with, and it takes us back to the whole food allergy thing. I fucking had it when you order something and you say, no onions or whatever you say. And they say, is that a preference or an allergy? Who fucking cares? I don't want it.

an incumbent upon people with allergies and gluten or celiac disease or vegetarians? Isn't it incumbent upon them to alert the staff about their food issues? Why does everyone have to go through a questionnaire about whether it's a preference or an allergy? Why can't we require the people that have allergies to tell people, to tell the server?

I have an allergy because I get tired of answering that fucking question. And it's not the server's fault. It's the food allergy people that want to make their problem everyone else's problem. Okay. I know a woman who has celiac disease and she's

I've eaten with her multiple times. It's not an issue. She handles her shit. Yes. People with real food allergies advocate for themselves and order accordingly. Our friend Bogey is allergic to shellfish and he always very casually, very non-dramatically. And I've eaten with him hundreds of times. Let's the server know that he has a shellfish allergy. Um,

I think what we're talking about here are the fake food allergy people. And I've seen this firsthand where I've seen people claim that they are lactose intolerant, that they are allergic to gluten.

Then they get all schnockered up. They get all liquored up. And then at 2 a.m., they're ordering a cheese pizza, which according to the records contains both dairy and gluten. And they have zero allergic reaction to either.

So what's happening here is you have the fake food allergy people giving the real food allergy people a bad name. And then hysteria is ensuing in the restaurants. And these poor people that work there are interviewing everybody. Is it a preference? Is it an allergy? And

It's completely unregulated. It's totally unregulated. And I, too, have a friend that has a very serious, I mean, celiac disease, very serious. We sit down. She's telling him, I have celiac disease. Please let the kitchen know. I never, no questionnaires needed. She just advocates for herself immediately. It's ridiculous. I hate it. Had it. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay, what? Sharing. Sharing? Yeah. Yeah.

Let me explain it to you like this. So if you're lucky enough to grow up and you have your own bedroom, you have your own bedroom from like zero to 18, okay? And really a lot of time during that period, you kind of are scared to be alone. You feel like you need more support. You're just a little cub trying to cut your teeth in the world, right? And then you go about through life and then you get married and

And then you start sharing a bed, a closet, a toilet, a sink, a house, a bank account, everything. You share everything. And I've just kind of had it with sharing. Yeah, I have to tell you, as having been single for over a decade now, it would be impossible to

for me to think about sharing like my nighttime TV routine, my bathroom, my closet. I mean, that ship has sailed because once you do it and then you're not doing it anymore, it's just an overwhelming thought. Like, I'll share a hamburger with you. I don't want to share a personal space. And here's the thing. At first, when you first fall in love, the sharing is intoxicating. Yes. I mean, you're lapping it up like a lap dog, right? Yeah.

And then you start going through this relationship. And all of a sudden, things start pointing out. Things start going off in your head like...

a particular exhale you're like yeah breathing i don't like the way this person breathes um maybe the way they chew their food yeah the way they might make extra noises that are unnecessary and then things start kind of shifting i'm at the stage and i love my husband josh i love him very very very much i'm at the stage where i simply don't like sharing with him i feel very um

You know how when a dog has a bone and they're chewing on it and somebody comes near it and they put their ears back and they go, I'm at that stage in adulthood right now.

Where Josh likes to come through. I watch TV in the bedroom and he watches TV on the sofa because we're past wanting to watch shows together at the exact same time. He's got to pause it for certain reasons. I pause it for other reasons. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. Josh and I are not emotionally needy people at all. But he will do a little peruse through my bedroom. And he liked, I would call it some Josh inspections. He likes to come see what I'm doing.

And I always have on my nightstand a couple of these boxed water bottles. Right. And I have some nicotine gum wrappers. And when you chew nicotine gum, the little packet that you take the gum out of also becomes the receiver for the chewed piece of gum. So Josh will come in and it's a very kind gesture on his part. He'll do a little pickup on my nightstand.

And he always goes, "God, it's such a little fucking rat's nest in here." And he picks up empty water bottles because I drink a lot of water at night. And then he'll pick up all of my nicotine gum wrappers. But he picks up the one that is in transit. Right. Meaning I've got a piece of gum in my mouth and when I've sucked all the nicotine out of it, I need to put it back and it's a little receptacle. So he just does a big clean sweep and then I feel like that dog.

And I'm like, no, I'm not done with that one. I want it back. And then I think, I'm a big girl. I can throw all my own stuff away. I don't even want him picking up my trash. I don't even want to share that. I've had it with sharing. No, I've had it with sharing too. I just can't even imagine going back. You know what else I've had it with? When you live with other people, it's the mess. Like I can clean up my own mess. My area is policed. It's tight. But when you start adding kids and husbands and partners in,

You just got other people's messes. Yeah. You've got more trash. Like I am sending kids back to college. So I'm by myself. I have to say, I like it. I can just, if I want dinner, I'll just have a piece of toast. Yeah. I have to go through a whole rigmarole. Trash.

It's cut by 75%. I mean, sharing is overrated. It's overrated. And I think as you're younger, it's like, great. Oh my God, I want to share my bathroom. I want to wake up next to you. But it's not as great as you think it is. I don't give toddlers a lot of credit, but their gut instinct of saying, mine. Yes. And like whacking another kid over the head when somebody tries to take their toy, that's

That's I've kind of circled back to that toddler like reaction. I agree. I think I just want to start whacking people over the head that try to steal my shit. Just say mine. Mine. Yeah. It's mine. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's a great point, Jenny. And then we have Kylie over here and the lesbian sharing is like next level. I can only imagine how much sharing there is.

two auras of estrogen in one place, I bet the sharing is just cringe worthy. It's clothes, it's makeup, it's feelings, it's everything. The feelings, the feelings would really get y'all. See, this is why we know I'm not a lesbian right here, right now. I don't want to share feelings to start makeup, anything, particularly feelings.

Yeah, the feelings aspect, like there are so many perks, I believe, to being a lesbian that are superior to being a heterosexual woman. Where I draw the line would be the overt sharing of feelings. I'm not a real romantic by nature. I'm not emotionally needy and I'm very turned off emotionally.

by emotionally needy people. I'm not saying, listen up, lessees. I'm not saying all lessees are like this. I'm saying my own anecdotal research has shown that

that there is a lot of togetherness. A lot of togetherness. With the lesbians. A lot of sharing of feelings. There has to be a lot more care, too, taken with another female than your husband. Yeah. With their feelings. Yeah. Josh was driving me bananas last night. He was...

driving me crazy. He wanted me to sit down next to him and talk to him about things that happened in my day. I had already passed the point where I wanted to share anything with anybody in that day, which brings me back to my original grievance, sharing. So I sat down with him for about 10 minutes. We chit-chatted. And then I looked at him and I go, okay. And he goes, are you done? I go, yeah, we're done here. And I walked into my bedroom and then he starts screaming my name and I just screamed back.

Josh, shut the fuck. And I will tell you what's so beautiful about my relationship with Josh. His heart smiled when I said that because he knows that I'm comfortable enough and that we love each other unconditionally enough to be truly authentic. I don't have to dress it up. And I think that is when that's the point of a relationship that I like where you get, where you can get, where somebody can just go, Oh,

I'm sick of seeing your face today. Right. I don't want to tell them. And the other person knows, like this person loves me unconditionally and I love them back that they get to have that because that's the most real thing I can give them. Absolutely. Yeah. Speaking of lesbians. Okay. I've got a five star review titled pumps should be gay. Oh, okay. We've just established I'd be bad at it.

MJ Tulsa Princess writes, I'm an elder millennial woman in Oklahoma and I cannot get enough of pumps. Oh. Get off Farmers Only and come plow me or I'll plow you. Pumps, baby. My friend knows Kylie. So let me know if you want to link. We can at least braid each other's hair if it doesn't work out.

I don't know who it is, but let me know. I thought it was scissoring. So it's a plowing. She wants to get plowed. Tell you what, I don't think this case is closed just yet. I'm sure there's some heartless lessee out there looking for a pillow princess. That doesn't want to share emotions. No sharing of emotions. All right. Can't talk about her feelings. All right. Give us one more review, Kylie. All right. Last one. Five stars. And it's titled Actual Mima Approved.

How nice is that? That is so nice. I love having a boomer. That is so nice. I read a quote by an actress. She's a British actress. I can't remember her name. But anyway, it said...

We need to stop insisting that young girls have the burden of growing up to always be polite. The first thing we need to teach them is the phrase, fuck off.

Helen Mirren. Yes, that's exactly who it was. I saw that too. And I was like, you fucking go. Yes. The onus is always on women to be everything. We have to be polite. We have to strike the perfect tone. Yak, yak, blah, blah. Who gives a shit if pumps and I say fuck? If that's your biggest problem in your day, you're living a great fucking life. You have no problems. All right. So one of our Patreon members tagged me in something that's going to lead us into our episode today. And it is a tweet from...

by Instagram account at American Dad Live. And they tweet, my new favorite thing is to anonymously post in my neighborhood's Facebook page complaining about my own property to see who else wants to talk shit. It's brilliant.

I kind of got to give him credit. I mean, my immediate reaction is, why are you in your neighborhood Facebook app? But if you're going to be, that's the way to do it. This is brilliant. This is absolutely brilliant because they're in their neighborhood Facebook app to reverse troll the trolls. I like it. Yeah, it is. Got to be in there. That's the way to go. All right. So...

Back by popular demand, we have our readings from neighborhood apps. It's my favorite thing on the planet. It is. I am grateful. I have nothing but gratitude for these lunatics that get into the neighborhood apps and into the Facebook apps and onto the next door apps that leave us these delicious nuggets because it makes me feel great.

Like I am a really good person. Right. That has my shit together. It also makes me feel like, you know, I am not as petty as I think. Right. Because I'm not bad rapping my neighbors. All right. Somebody posts, a tutor for my child. And tutor is spelled T-O-O-T-E-R. T-O-O-T-E-R.

So tutor. I need a tutor for my child. I need a smart, well-mannered girl slash boy to help my son with his homework as soon as possible. Well, I don't think there's, I mean, that's a pretty serious call because obviously she can't do it. There's just no question. All right. And then there's an alert from the Nextdoor app that says trending baby dicks. Does anyone know what happened to them? Don't see them in the pond.

What? I think baby, they meant to write baby ducks. It's a typo. I'm not the world's worst penile shamer. So they wrote baby dicks. And then of course it starts trending on the next door app and then the algorithm picks it up and then sends an alert to get everybody on it. It's fantastic. Today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program.

Pumps, I love Tubby and Cha-Cha so much. I would pick up a mountain and move it to the other side of the planet to ensure their health, safety, and well-being. There's no question about it. What's worrisome is how expensive vet bills can be for pets.

Exactly. And that's why our listener needs to check out the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program because they offer customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier for pet parents like Pumps and me.

to help get your pet the care that they need. The ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program has been around for over 18 years and they've helped more than 600,000 pets during that time. They allow you to customize your plan, helping ensure that your pet's plan

is as unique as they are because vet bills can really add up, especially when you're least expecting it. It's simple. Use their app to submit a claim and you'll receive reimbursement for eligible vet bills directly into your bank account. Listener, to explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash had it.

That's ASPCApetinsurance.com slash had it. Again, that's ASPCApetinsurance.com slash had it. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or

or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.

Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Our listener knows that we're unapologetically ourselves and don't feel like we need to pretend to be anything else.

That's probably why y'all listen to our podcast. You stay true to yourselves and have had it with pretending to be someone you're not. That's especially true when you're out there on the dating apps. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony is a great way to get to know each other.

eHarmony knows that to find something real, you have to keep it real. You can't be out here trying to be some fantasy Instagram version of yourself. eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They

They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens. When you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you.

You know, Pumps, sometimes it's not the business that makes the business run. It's the business behind the business. And that might sound confusing, but when you think about the way we sell our merch here at I've Had It, we use Shopify. It is the business behind our business. And we're not the only ones. Think about Skims. They use Shopify. Shopify makes...

Businesses sell products better. We have had such a good relationship with Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the no secret secret with shop pay that boost conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going cha-ching. Listener, upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Skims.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash had it to upgrade your selling today. shopify.com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Here's a post on the Nextdoor app. My chlamydia has started to turn brown. What do I need to do? What? What? My chlamydia? I think she probably meant caladium. Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's good stuff. Okay. And then Kristen posts in the Nextdoor app, loose wiener, light colored wiener loose on the boulevard. Mailman trying to contain now. Dare I ask what she was trying to say or he was trying to say? A wiener dog pumps.

See, I didn't even go there. I'm just like, what is somebody doing with their wiener out? They said wiener. Everybody knows you're the most cock-hungry woman in all of podcasting.

No surprise that you're just sitting there visualizing the mailman containing penises with nothing but envy. Right. I was just like, golly, maybe I need to be a mailman. I mean, I might be getting laid every other house. Last thing you were thinking about was a cuddly wiener dog. No, I mean, a wiener dog never hit my brain. Oh, we all knew what me Kurt and Meemaw was thinking right then and there.

Chris posts, GoFundMe help needed. Hi, community. I found out today that a friend of a friend, after he and his wife and son just recovered from COVID-19, will find out tomorrow that he will be furloughed in late January. To make matters worse, his daughter and her husband will also be out of a job.

He will find himself deeply in debt after a string of failed businesses and with no income in 2021. He will be in bad shape. Any help is appreciated. www.gofundme-DonaldJTrump. That is great. Clever. That's very clever. I like it. Somebody posts an open letter to whoever stole my package. Dear Thief.

I hope you enjoy your chia seeds, small mirror, and coochie shave butter. You should probably order an extra bottle of the shave butter because that stuff is amazing. One bottle won't be enough seeing as you're a giant asshole. Sincerely, someone who just had to reorder their stuff. Okay. What is coochie shave butter? I think you should get some for the Siberian Husky. Well, that's what I'm wondering. It's like...

You're a lesbian. Tell us. Is that what it is? It's just any woman can tell you. Coochie, shave better. I don't know, but I didn't know if it's like a fancy one. I mean, you're really struggling today. Am I? Listener, Meemaw is just every single thing you've had a question about. What's a wiener? I mean, who would have thought that would have been wiener dog? Everyone but you and a few gay men. Sonia posts in caps lock capital letters with question marks.

If those of you would worry less about how I type and more of what I type, you all might know what's going on. I'm giving info and invites. How can you possibly feel I'm angry at you? One, I don't know you, but two or three of you, and I'm writing for hundreds to read.

I shouldn't have to explain why I feel the need to type in capital letters. It doesn't mean that I'm angry. Capital letters mean excitement. Also, focus on the info, not the delivery. I'm doing this to help my community not to win a prize. I would love to make some friends, but I don't want to be judged and have to keep busy while my husband is at

work. I'm new to the area, but not of this earth. Either you ladies want to help connecting or you don't. It's that simple. Let's move on from my capital letters and just read the words and have fun. Yay. I immediately think she is a nut. I want no part of her. I immediately think when I see this, she's madder than a hornet. Mad, mad, mad. I mean, that screams angry. Somebody posts M. Cox.

Anyone having issues with cocks going in and out the last two days? No, I'm having a lot of trouble with it, actually. What's your interpretation of that, Meemaw? Cock-a-zinnia. Isn't that a word? Like a name? What? My cocks-in-ya. That's what it is. Like my cunt from when we were young. You know what I'm saying? No. Do you remember?

I know it makes perfect sense. But what is how did you perceive this? Their Internet's going down. It's flashing. Oh, she's back. Listener Patriots and Gatriots. Meemaw is back. Her her episode, her mini stroke has concluded and she is back in action. OK. S posts. Hi, everyone. My girlfriend insists on idling her car for more than the legal time limit to warm it up in the morning.

Am I wrong to call the police? What? She called it on her girlfriend? That's unbelievable. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Debbie says, looking for workout buddy, looking for middle-aged buddy to work out with at the pro club. Cannot be in shape or try too hard. Okay.

Must not be overly religious or into pyramid schemes. Also must enjoy basic bitch discussions. Bonus points if you're not dressed up too much. Fucking love her. I want to be your friend. Sign me up. Fucking love Debbie. Must not be overly religious. Way to my heart.

Must not dress up too much. I mean, I like her. She just tells you what exactly what she wants. Like she, I would sign up to be her friend. Okay. Then somebody posts on the neighborhood app. Please help. I'm out of butter. Please drop a stick at the corner of main and first between two and 4 a.m. Today, Sunday. I don't want to meet people. I don't want new friends. I just need butter. Butter is important to me.

Boy, that's an odd bird. You know what? I like it. Do it between two and four. I don't want to talk to people. I don't need people. I just want to stick a butter. Yeah, I just think, wouldn't bugs get on the butter if it was left out there for two hours? That's the butter receiver's problem. I might just leave it out there to see who it is. Okay, somebody posts on the neighborhood app, wanted Abraham Lincoln impersonator for a private event.

cannot be over five foot eight inches, must be able to hold your breath for up to two minutes. Interesting trades considered. I don't know what the fuck is going on there. I would love to know that. But wasn't Abraham Lincoln like one of the tallest presidents? Yes, he was like super tall. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Something kinky is going on there. Okay. Ross Moore posts on the Neighborhood app. Anyone know how to make their own toilet paper?

Looking to make vegan slash gluten-free toilet paper. Anyone know how? I'm just going to go out on a limb and say I hate that person. I mean, just enough, enough, enough. Okay. Somebody posts a picture of a cat and they write, Molly is fine. Molly is fine. She lives on Main Street.

Stop calling and texting me. I got six phone calls tonight while I was at work. I work nights about her. She is fine. She is an outdoor cat and loves attention. Please just pet her and go about your way, y'all. She's well cared for and always comes home at night.

I've been getting numerous texts and phone calls per week. I appreciate y'all. And I know she sounds desperate, but don't believe her lies. Thanks for real. Do not call me unless a coyote is trying to eat her or she's in an emergency. She's an alpha female and can hold her own. But also she is a Virgo slash Libra cusp and just loves attention from strangers.

You know, I appreciate, I appreciate she is an alpha female combined with a Virgo Libra cusp so that people can really wrap their head around the personality of Molly. Right. Thank goodness. She's an attention whore, as everybody knows. As everybody knows. A Virgo Libra cusp. These people are goddamn nightmares. Right. They're just whoring out all the time. Pussies out there just, you know, begging for people to stroke it nonstop.

I kind of love that. Are you a Virgo Libra cusp? No. Okay. All right.

Somebody posts in the neighborhood app, trash can put to curb too soon. I need to sincerely apologize to all of my neighbors for offending them with the slide of my trash today, Monday, April 27th at noon. For multiple reasons, I've disclosed to the HOA via email I had to put it out six hours early. I know this is offensive and contrary to the values of our neighborhood. I'm sorry.

I want to thank the individuals who stood up for justice on this trash can issue and reported me to the HOA. Without you and my business, I'd truly be lost. I'd also like to thank the HOA for the kind, non-passive, aggressive email warning me that my despicable actions would not be tolerated for reminding me that my beloved leaders have the power and authority to find me up to the point of placing a lien on my property.

Remember, folks, no trash cans out too early. Fucking hate that neighborhood. Hate the HOA. Like, who gives a fuck? This is a huge problem that's going on in the suburbs. There's no culture.

So they are concerned about what time people put trash cans out. What time are you supposed to? What if you go to work and the trash? I mean, I just, I can't wrap my head around that. The larger issue is these people are not reading books.

They're not interested. They don't have activities or culture. They live in cookie cutter houses that all look the same. And so what they do is they become interested in each other and stupid petty shit. Like what time your trash can goes out. Yeah, that's just that's too much. All of this leads to Trumpism. I've gotten I have gotten an email about my.

trash cans, like according to the covenants or HOA, whatever it is, the trash cans are supposed to be behind the fence. So you know what I did? I had cement poured next to my house as a little platform next to my garage for my trash cans. Cause I'm just like, fuck you. And you know what? Everybody on my street did it too. We're, we're,

rebelling against the HOA. You're just a trailblazer. I'm a trailblazer. You know what I think? Fuck you. You know what would be fun for us to do one night? Just to go to your HOA just to get content for the pod. Yeah, I mean, we could go and maybe we could start driving your neighborhood and making some notes. Or like being like doing bad stuff in the neighborhood so that there's a purpose. Like an emergency HOA neighborhood meeting or whatever you call it.

I mean, fun stuff to do would just be to go back to like junior high level type stuff. Like we could put signs in people's yard. Like Jim Bob watches porn after his wife goes to bed. That could be fun. 38 B's banging 38 C. Yeah. That would be fun. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. The woman in this house let her dog run away from home and doesn't give a shit about it. Right. And he's somewhere in this neighborhood. Somebody post.

Wi-Fi, to whom it may concern, I promise if you and or others are stealing from my network, I will find out who you are. I will use you until you lose your house.

car slash cars, et cetera. You will have to barrow, B-A-R-R-O-W, money from a church or the homeless or friends and family just to buy a last look at what you used to have, including the memories. That's a fucking psychotic nut job. Here's my deal. Don't you just have to lock your Wi-Fi with a password? Isn't it that easy? Right? Yeah.

So why didn't she just lock it out and save herself all the turmoil and outrage? Here's the fundamental problem with that. You're applying logic to the person who wrote that statement and put it on the World Wide Web. Right. Yeah. So, I mean, applying logic to somebody that's this fucking nutty.

It's nutty in and of itself because this person doesn't understand logic. And she's getting all riled up and she likes it. Oh, yeah. I mean, she's having fun. She's making people barrow money. Barrow money from your church. That's right. Okay. Elle posts, I think groceries were accidentally delivered to my apartment on Main Street. If you were expecting groceries from Aldi and never received them, comment below.

And somebody comments, you need to call Aldi's. And she responds, I don't, quote, need to do anything. Good for her. She's trying to be nice. I mean, she's trying to nice. Come get your groceries. And he's like jumping all over her, making it her problem. All right. Somebody posts on the neighborhood app. Sex in the woods. To the two people having sex in the woods just off the path of Tuckahoe Creek Park.

You may want to be aware that all those bird watchers carry cameras with powerful telephoto lenses. Just saying.

That's pretty good stuff. That's great. That is great stuff. Okay. And then Adam posts yard work. I'm not sure who Tweedledee and Tweedledumfuck are, but stop using leaf blowers at 8 a.m. Believe it or not, I like to sleep.

Well, I mean, I think 8 a.m. is okay, don't you? I think it's fine because especially in the summer, it gets so hot. These poor yard workers, like they got to start early. Right. And you and I are the most, you know, the listener, patriots and gayatriots, you know, the people that you fucking hate that wake up at five and just start crushing life. Right. And are real smug about it.

Those are the hosts of this podcast. Right. Yeah. We love a good early call. We have done Wordle, Connections, the New York Times Mini, trolled Twitter, trolled Instagram, trolled TikTok, watched Morning Joe, done everything before 6 a.m. Absolutely. I mean, I feel like it's a really productive hour of the day. Yeah. All right. Patrick posts, this is why I should have never joined this crap email site. And then somebody responds,

Patrick, first of all, this is not an email site. Get your facts straight or I will sue you. Oh, my gosh. All these neighbors. You know, one thing I did as a baby lawyer. So they have what's called victim protective orders in Oklahoma against people that used to date or whatever. Well, another class of protected people was neighbors.

Well, I never knew that people will just go to fucking war with their neighbors. Like I have witnessed in my first year of practicing law, I mean, people sabotaging each other's trash cans, throwing shit over the fences, like all this shit's going on with neighbors. So now they have just this avenue. I mean, I just have never been that interested in my neighbors. But a lot of people are.

If you or somebody you know, listener, is being harassed by their neighbor, contact Meat Curtain Law. 1-800-Meat Curtain Meemaw will fight your battles. We will sue your neighbors and we will take them down. What do eagles say, Meemaw? All right.

neighborhood app fart found if anyone lost a fart today i found it it was lingering casually in the potato chip aisle at kroger around 12 15 today obviously had not been there very long caused me to lose my balance and blurred my vision for a bit probably still there please keep your fart secure we have laws i hate being crop dusted there's no question

I don't think I would take the time to post, but it's a pretty great post. Okay. So somebody posts, this is the last one. Somebody posts an image on the next door app that two neighbors posted on their door. Okay. And, um,

It says, it's a sign that says, your house and yard be so ugly. And it has like a frown face. And somebody else doubles down and puts a note under that. Your house is an eyesore. It looks dirty and looks abandoned. Clean it up. And then somebody comments to this, which is exactly what I would do. Oh, my God, that is so rude. Can we see a pic of the house? Yeah.

That's exactly what I would do. Oh, my God. That is terrible. Can I see a pic of your nose? Let's see. How bad is it? Love it. All right. Listen up, patriots and gayatriots, Meemaw, Kylie and Seth. Please, in the future, if you see any of these crazy ass posts on Nextdoor app, please

Please share them with our podcast because this stuff is five-star entertainment. It really is. I like seeing how crazy people are. It makes me feel like, you know, we're pretty good people. Yeah. And we have a lot more to do than these people that are sitting around in their neighborhood app. Exactly. We read what they do. That's right. We're very busy.

They need to get busier so we can stay busy. Right. Keep being busy bodies so we can criticize how pathetic your life is by reading about your life. Okay. Exactly. Nailed it. All right. Listen up. Our Patreon post show starts right now. Pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships. Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.