The Motorboat Conundrum
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Oh my God. That might be the best clap in the history of clapping. Wow. I mean, I'm fired up and ready. You know what is so funny? Everybody on YouTube...

And on the audio format of our podcast, swears that they cannot tell the difference between your limp dick claps and that full erection of a clap. That is a rock hard cock erection. It's unbelievable how, I mean, that was just. I look up and Kylie's like, oh.

That was incredible. Thank you. I feel really good about it. You know, people may not be able to tell, but I can tell. It's only downhill from here. It was only downhill from here from the jump. That's right. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with, and I know this is obnoxious.

But I fucking had it when it takes forever for the hot water to get hot when you turn on your sink or your bathtub. Drives me crazy to have to wait. I like to go straight in. And I've noticed it a lot at hotels lately, which it used to be an automatic hot water. You know, you just can't get hot water these days. You know what we need? Back in our day, that water was hot. Fuck off. What we need is Congress to intervene like they did with the appliances.

And mandate hot water coming out because, you know, the Republicans have spent this entire House session regulating appliances because everyone gives a flying fuck because that's what we need. Appliance regulation. All right. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. It's a good thing you had a good clap. All right. And this is going to be somewhat controversial.

And I'm sure it is going to rile up the mommy bloggers and they are going to have stage five meltdowns and start calling us mom podcasters again. Right. When just podcasters will do. Right. But I've had it with this and I'm just going to have to say it. I'm going to have to call it out because I can't take it anymore. I really can't. If I see one more of these things, I'm going to lose my mind. And I'm not talking about Stanley Cubs. What is it? These headbands.

that have the knot at the top. They're these fabric headbands and then it has a top knot in it and then it goes down the other way. I think they look ridiculous. I can't take my eyes off of them. I...

I don't understand it. I see some women, grown-ass women our age, that have the headbands on, but their hair, the front of their hair is like this. And then the headband is placed here. And I'm like, well, isn't the point of a headband to do this? Right. It's like Mickey Mouse ears, but a headband. It's like a uniknot. A unicorn. I hate it.

I hate these things. I cannot stand these things. And I guarantee you, I'm going to tell you, I'm conducting my own personal study. Okay. Let me tell you what I found. The headband top knot unicorns almost always have a Stanley Cup. And we all know where all of these things lead. Trumpism, crystal meth, crack cocaine. In that order. IV drug users.

And I'm just telling you right now, I am looping in the top knot unicorn headband community with the Stanley cuppers. And I, I wanted in the permanent record.

I don't like these things. I think they look dumb. They look stupid. I can't stand them. Horrible. Who invented them and why? Here's the deal. I'll tell you who invented them. Somebody for a five-year-old. Adult women should not wear these headbands. They look stupid. I was out to dinner with some friends the other night. This darling girl walks in.

I mean, maybe 23, 24, 25. I mean, young woman. She was gorgeous, rockin' body, had one of those headbands on. And I was like, she looks fucking ridiculous. Like, I cannot think she's cute because that looks so terrible. And it was the headband unicorn with fucking pearls on it. Like, big, giant pearls. The bejeweled. The bejeweled unicorn headband. Topknot unicorn headband. It's horrible. Is an extra layer of...

That's like snorting and injecting the meth all at the same time. That's how bad it is for your well-being and for the viewer. And here's what I don't like. Nobody takes into account the feelings of the viewer. Right. I was getting a manicure pedicure the other day and these gals walked in and they had on those top knot headbands that was not holding their hair back because they had the hair back.

you know, flanking the face and the headband back behind that. And I just, I can't take it anymore. And I feel like they're everywhere. And you know where I think they are all the time? Out in the suburbs. I was just going to say, let me guess. Yeah. The suburbs. Yeah, out in the suburbs. People are out there with their Stanley cups and these unicorn top knots. I mean, I can't take it anymore. And I can see what the headlines are going to be. I know exactly what the headlines from the mommy bloggers are going to be. Mom podcasters.

Don't support women who wear headbands. Leave our headbands alone. And here's what I have to say to you, mommy bloggers. Number one, quit referring to us as mom podcasters. You don't refer to male podcasters with children as dad podcasters.

It's underhanded. You're trying to reduce us to only one role. It's patriarchal. It's 1950s bullshit. And I've had it. You can take your Stanley Cup. You can take your unicorn top knot headband and your fucking blog and all your performative parenting and cram it up your ass because I've had it with these people. And they all live in the same fucking book in the same library. They all do. It's a direct line to a Trump rally. It is. Yeah.

I bet there's red, white, blue MAGA unicorn headbands. You know what? I bet it'll be Trump's next grift. Probably Melania's. Oh, yeah. Make America great again headbands. Ugh. Repulsive. I mean, I can't imagine anything worse on the planet than wearing MAGA shit. No, I can't either. Like, you couldn't catch me dead in a MAGA outfit. Like, if my choice was to walk from this office...

To the supermarket. Yeah. I would rather be butt naked than wearing anything MAGA. I don't care if it was like the top of the line MAGA merch. I would walk naked and get arrested and put in a straight jacket and go to the insane asylum before I would wear that MAGA bullshit. Because you know what it announces? That you're stupid. That you're stupid. That you're racist. That you're homophobic. And...

that you have a small penis all in one outfit. What about the women? What about that last caveat? What about that? How do you replace it if it's a woman? I'll tell you exactly how I replace it. Okay.

Never had a good lay, so think any lay is good. Has only been with small penises. Only knows what a half orgasm is. Never had a man that actually knew how to produce an orgasm in a woman. So they're in the I'll take what I can get category of life. Welcome to I've Had It.

I'm Jennifer. I am not wearing a top knot headband nor drinking out of a Stanley cup because I'm a normal fucking person. I am Angie. I like to drink out of a Stanley cup, but I will not wear a top knot headband nor mega merch. I,

I'll take it back. I will wear merch that has Donald Trump's mugshot on it that says inmate number blah, blah, blah, blah. I have seen that or convict 45. Those that's the links that I will go to. Also, let's not forget that Pumps is a single white female seeking hot water. Kylie. Yes. How are things going for us on the World Wide Web?

It's always iffy. Just depends where you look. Right. Could go either way. Could go either way. You set me up perfectly to read you this first five-star review. Oh, five stars. Okay, let's go. It's titled, My Favorite Mommy Podcast. Oh, my God. They write, I'm so thrilled I finally found a mommy podcast that thoroughly reignites my pride in having been chosen by my unreasonably special children. While I'm much younger than the grandmother...

Oh. Oh.

It's true. Here's the thing that I've been trying to keep from the listeners and those that have come to the tour and met us after the show. I think you think I'm just this ice bitch. And it's, I have that persona, but as Pumps always says, I'm just this ice bitch.

Oh, underneath, she's just melted butter. She's just melted butter. Hard as an acorn on the outside, melted butter on the inside. Yeah, these little whistleblowers that have been on tour blowing my cold, black-hearted bitch facade and letting people know that I actually do have moments. Moments, listener. Brief moments of kindness. It's really bad for your reputation. It is. Those reviews are ruining my reputation. And everything.

Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. All right. Five stars titled Patriot Talks with Meemaw. Wow. Where do I even begin with this gem of a podcast? Let me tell you, if you're looking for a dose of mediocrity wrapped in a cozy blanket of middle-aged patriotism, look no further. These self-proclaimed guardians of the middle ground and politics will leave you feeling like you're stuck in a lukewarm puddle of apathy.

And let's not forget about Meemaw, the charming host who brings all the excitement of watching paint dry to your ears. Her delightful anecdotes about life in small town USA will have you on the edge of your seat or maybe just napping peacefully. So if you're craving a podcast that's as exciting as watching grass grow and as intellectually stimulating as a rock, then give these middle-aged patriots a listen. You won't be disappointed. Well, you might be, but hey, they tried.

How many stars was that? That's five stars. Okay. I have a question. Was I just accused of being moderate? Yes. I knew that's what she was going to pick out. I knew when you said it, it's going back to the centrist. I knew it. This is a fan who knows exactly how to piss you off. It just comes right up and just occupies...

All of this vast expanse of real estate between my ears. Yeah. Let me just repeat one more time. Self-proclaimed guardians of the middle ground in politics. Shit. Okay.

Here's the deal. We're going to have to re-quiz. I'm retesting everybody in the studio. Everybody's taking the test. Okay. Everybody, we're retesting. And Kylie, in the show notes of this, I want you to put that quiz. I want all the listeners and all the patriots, all of the fucking bald eagle, go, go.

patriots to take this test. And then you go report to the Apple reviews. I need to know what everybody is. And I'm going to retest and I'm going to do it in front of everybody so that everybody knows it's on the up and up because here's where I think people get misguided. There are of course people on the far left leftists like far, far left leftists that are just tied up in knots 24 seven all the time about what

all of the terrible things that are happening in the world. While I see

all of the massive human rights violations, I would brand myself more as a fuck you liberal. And that means fuck you to all the people who try to demean marginalized groups because I don't think you can fight the other side by being civil and in discourse. Obviously, I don't mean like start an insurrection or anything like that. Sadly, you have to clarify that. I think that you have to be a little sassy. I think you have to...

Pick the main issues that are super important to you because there's a lot of people in the world to separate and fight all of the issues together. And we have chosen what issues are important to us. But I'm going to tell you one thing. I will pass the quiz again with flying colors. I'm going to have Kylie video it. I'm going to put it up on Patreon. And then I'm going to film Kylie doing it. And then I'm going to put that up on Patreon. And then we're going to film Meemaw.

And we're going to, and then we're going to, and then we're going to film Seth. And we're going to find out who the weak link is because somebody is sending out moderate vibes, centrist vibes on this podcast. Cause this keeps coming up again and again and again. And we're going to, we're going to record everything.

We're going to big brother that shit. And if anybody comes back moderate, that's it. Fired. Fired. Fired on the spot. I don't even know if that's legal to fire him, but we'll just figure it. You're a lawyer. At will employee. Fire him for any cause, no cause. Boom. There you go. That's why she's America's greatest legal mind. She just cited the law right there. She didn't even have to go to a law library. Nope. Just pulled it right out.

Pumps, you have got to get ready for this summer. I've been telling you time and time again, and that's why I want to refer you to our friends at Shady Rays. They're going to have you covered with premium polarized shades that won't break the bank. And you lose sunglasses all the time. That's why I think you partnering with Shady Rays is going to be a game changer for you and your eyes. Not only do I lose sunglasses, I break them all the time because I drop them every

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That's I-B-O-T-T-A in the Google Play or the App Store. And be sure to use the code HATIT. Okay, listeners. Today, Seth has found us some very interesting posts on Reddit that I want to share with you all, the listener, and with Kylie and Pumps to get your feedback because these are quite interesting. I think Pumps is going to have some significant posts

And analytical feedback that only America's greatest legal mind could come up with. Absolutely. Okay. The first Am I the Asshole post that we're going to tackle together as a team, patriots, left-leaning and leftist patriots, is... It's from Boogerbutt18. Boogerbutt. Okay. And it says...

The title is My Partner Wets the Bed and I'm Tired of It. The girl is a 24-year-old female. She has a partner of nearly six years, 26-year-old male. And the male has sleep apnea, which leads to nocturnal

in your sis. I don't, I'm mispronouncing that, but it's also called bedwetting. He refuses to maintain it and I'm tired of it. It's been six years of this. I'm seriously considered leaving him over it at this point. I understand that it's a medical issue that in itself cannot be resolved, but it can be maintained, but he won't.

I've asked him to stop drinking liquids by 8 p.m. But I'm so thirsty, he says. I've asked him to wear adult diapers to bed. They make me uncomfortable, he says. Okay, but what about me? I get constant rashes from this. I wake up drenched in someone else's bodily fluids on a fairly regular basis. I've woken up to him actively pissing on me before.

God forbid we fall asleep touching slash cuddling. I have an unconscious habit of feeling all around the bed when I'm sleeping in, even if I'm somewhere else without him, because I'm so used to waking up to a piss-soaked bed and needing to wake him up to take care of it. That's another thing. He doesn't even wake up after it happens.

I don't wake him up and he will sleep soaked in his piss for hours. He doesn't even notice if it doesn't get to me.

And the wet feeling doesn't wake up. The smell certainly does. He's ruined countless mattresses, even though we use two waterproof mattress covers as well as bed dressings and will only replace them after I repeatedly asked him to. I'm at such a loss and I feel so completely just disrespected, to be honest. All caps, six years. Six years.

She needs to fucking pack his bags, hit the bricks. Either you take care of your piss problem or you're out. I mean, it's not even a close call. Do you think? I would have broken up with him five years, 364 days ago. Right. The first night. This can't happen. Of the wetting of the bed. I think that would probably be the end of it. I just don't, I don't understand how sleep apnea works.

goes to the bedwetting, but let's assume it does. Take care of it. It's a problem. He won't wear diapers. He won't wear diapers. He won't go get treated for it. He fucking sucks. There's got to be somebody out there better. There has to be. Let me ask you this, Pumps. If you found a guy or a person that you really liked a lot, I mean, really liked him, you hit it off, I mean, firecrackers. I mean, it is just a full-blown twin flame, if you will.

We won't dive into who's the masculine, feminine. Right. We'll just leave that. All right. So nonetheless, and you do a little slap and tickle in the bedroom. And then the person's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. And then they came back out and climbed into bed and they had on a diaper. And I'm talking, this is somebody under the age of 70. Okay. 70 or under. And they come back, crawl up bed with you. And there's a little pamper on them. I think I can do it. Sex was great.

The chemistry is great. Well, I think let me throw in another. Let me throw in another one. He's a billionaire. Okay. Well, that changes things a little bit. I'll tell you what. I just would say we can't like after sex, you have to go to your room. You have to go home. And your diaper. And your diaper. Take your diaper and hit the road. Like I cannot. I can't do that. No.

No, thank you. Ew. Let me ask you this. It's horrible. We all know this won't happen. So this is beyond a hypothetical. But let's just say that I was older than you and I was in the nursing home and the nurse hadn't changed. And I'm kind of barely clinging on for dear life. Right. And they hadn't changed my diaper. Would you come in and change my diaper? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Isn't that sweet? I wouldn't mind. I just wouldn't want to lay in bed with it, but I'd be happy to change it. All right. Let's go to our next one. Am I the asshole for considering divorce because my wife told her friends I use a penis sleeve during sex? Wait, does anybody know what a penis sleeve is? No, but let's dive in.

I, 36 male, have been married to my wife, 34, for eight years. We have three children, and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. Our sex life has always been great, but last year, my wife wanted me to try on a penis sleeve.

which actually improved our sex life ever more because it hit her in the right areas. She said it's the best sex she's ever had in her life, which made me even happier. A week ago, my friend, 35 male, asked me about the sleeve because he's never tried it before and wanted to know what it was like. I was surprised he knew about this and asked him, how did he know? He said his wife told him about it.

My wife and his wife are in the same friend group. I was shocked that my wife had shared such a personal detail with her friends. And I asked her about it. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she had shared to her friend group and that she shouldn't have.

But she just wanted to talk about why our sex life has become amazing recently. She apologized a lot, but I ignored her and I told her I needed some time to process this. Pussy. It's been a week and I've been trying to ignore her as much as possible. I'm sleeping in a different room. She cooks dinner every day, but I just go out to eat because I have no mood to eat at home.

There is a tense atmosphere at home and my wife has apologized a lot, but I've just been trying to ignore her as much as possible. I don't think this can be fixed through therapy or a simple apology. I think this is a massive betrayal of my trust. It's just shocking to me that my wife would share such a personal detail with her entire friend group. I've been seriously considering the possibility of divorce. I know we have three children.

but I don't know how I'll ever reconcile with my wife ever again. At this moment, I'd rather just pay child support and alimony than be in her presence. But I know feelings can change. Am I the asshole? Can the situation even be fixed? How do I even trust my wife anymore?

Okay, the answer to that question is yes, you are the asshole. B, you are the biggest fucking titty baby on planet Earth. I don't know what a penis sleeve is, but it sounds like she was taking a victory lap because you were good in the hay.

Take the wind and move on down the road. Kylie, will you Google penis sleeve? She's got it right up here. Would you read the description of that? So it's a like rubber. It's shaped like a penis and you put it over your own penis and it makes your penis a larger. So it's like an attached dildo. It all makes sense now. It all makes sense now. It's all the camera lens is coming into focus. This is why, because you notice when I started reading that, the spiral that this man went down. I mean, he's ready to...

his whole marriage, even though he has three kids. He's so worried about his penis sleeve. But it's because he has a teeny weenie. So at first when he felt betrayed, I was like, okay, I kind of, you know, she's out there talking about his penis sleeve. And then...

And their sex life. And he felt like she shouldn't have shared that. And I was with him for like a sentence or two. And then he goes four more paragraphs deep in this just death spiral. You know? Yep. And I think he's the biggest pussy on the planet. Because this is the deal. And women that are married and have kids, after you've had kids and you've been that vulnerable and exposed to childbirth and

Your give-a-fuck meter just starts to degrade. Absolutely. And then you're out with your girlfriends. You just talk about this shit. You just do. You share about sex. I mean, like the time that you were telling me that your husband soft-serves you all the time. You know, that was when y'all were married. Right. I knew about it. I knew it was a soft-serve. I knew it was Mr. Softy Snowcone. Mr. Yogurt Swirl. I knew it was a yogurt swirl. Yeah. No, I just...

First of all, I would have zero. I would obviously tell that. I'm having great sex. Here's the deal. My husband has a teeny weeny. So we got on Amazon and I bought a penis sleeve and it's revolutionized our sex life. I think they had to name it a penis extender though. I think that's more accurate. I think immediately we would have known what was going on with that. But for marketing purposes, they were genius to call it a sleeve because the...

Stage five death spiral that this guy engaged in over on Reddit. He obviously has a complex about a small penis. Yes. There's no question. Here's what I want to know. Why does the wife keep apologizing? I think I would just say, look, sex is better when you have the sleeve on. If you don't like it, hit the bricks. You've been in that situation before. You know, I think that this isn't discussed that much in marriages, but I know from my

you know, being our age and obviously me younger, but being our age ish and you've had all of these, you know, girls nights with girlfriends and whatnot that men tend to oftentimes when they're in a safe space in their marriage, they show a lot of titty baby kind of behavior. They show this, um,

almost childlike hurt feelings and react in almost a childlike way that they're not, they don't feel safe enough out in the real world to behave that way. And so women often get a lot of the men that just really hurt my feelings. And you know,

It's peace at any cost. So you just keep apologizing, hoping that you can move on down the road because you realize how fragile the male ego is when you live with it. And it is a very fragile component in the home. It absolutely is. And here's what I'm thinking. Next time that motherfucker wants to go out to eat, I would load all three of those kids in their car seats in his car and say, you'll have a great time. I would do that every single night. Yeah.

Why does she have to keep the kids during dinner? Because you're fucking pouting because your penis is small. Who cares? I'll tell you who cares. He does. No. My co-host of this podcast. That's who cares. But I'm not fucking him, so I don't care about him. Right. But I admire that he was wanting to get a penis. What do they call it? Sleeve? A penis sleeve. She recommended it. She recommended it. Well, here's the deal.

I think he's lucky he's gotten this far with her. Yeah. Until he found the sleeve. And here's the thing. You know, people give us shit sometimes. They say we body shame the penis.

And that's true. We're 100% guilty as charged. But what we're going at more than anything is the small dick energy. Yeah. But it's nice that if you don't have that large of a penis, that you can get the penis sleeve, which I just learned about today. Today you're sold when I found out. Naturally, I'm going on to Amazon to order one for Josh. In every color. Yeah. And I just think women, when they go out with their girlfriends, they talk about this shit. Like if somebody's found like a great...

vibrator or partner toy. Everybody tells about it because you want your friends to have good orgasms. All right, let's move on. Here is a post and the title of it is, I think I developed a kink.

I'm slightly confused because I'm not actually sure if it is a kink or not. Basically, I, 28-year-old Mel, had been married to my wife, 27-year-old female, for six years, and we were blessed with our son, who was just over three years old. My wife weaned our son from breast milk about two-ish months ago, and four days ago at night, she was complaining that her breasts felt engorged.

I jokingly said I'd suck it. And instead of joking back, she just agreed, which surprised me. I think since she was super tired and uncomfortable, she really didn't care.

So I did it. And at first it was gross. But then after a while, I started to enjoy it. My wife had fallen asleep by now. And I think I kept going until I fell asleep because in the morning she woke me up and my head was resting on her stomach. She joked that it must have been so disgusting that I passed out and I fake laughed and agreed. So she said she would just cope with the uncomfortable feeling and not ruin my nights. Ever since then, I've had this constant urge to do it again. Yeah.

But I know it's super gross and weird as an adult. Is this a kink I've accidentally developed? I'm scared of how she would view me if I told her. Has anyone had this happen to them? Any advice would be helpful. Edit. Thanks for all the comments. It's really helped me evaluate some of the embarrassment I initially had. I mentioned in the comments...

But I'll mention it up here too. I had pretty much always been slightly grossed out by breast milk in general. So when I suddenly found myself enjoying it, I was just super embarrassed at the 180 I would be doing. I'm definitely overreacting though. And I will talk to my wife once I get home. Another thing, my wife would always wear a top too during sex because she didn't want any leaking. So I think that played a part in me not wanting to tell her the truth either. And then big dong forever comments.

You already done it once and she was okay with it. Don't be a wuss and suck that milk, bro. Here's the situation. I'm going to, I'm just going to go ahead and dissect it. He's 28. She's 27. They've been married for six years. He uses the word blessed. Right. These are young, uh, mega church people that had to get married early to either cover up the fact that

that they were having premarital sex or so that they could quit having anal sex and finally have vaginal sex. Many of the other right. Funky places. And so this is a guy that's probably grown up with, you know, a lot of shame surrounding a lot of stuff. I personally do think it's a little weird. Uh,

for a grown man to breastfeed on his wife's breasts. Right. If that's your thing, I don't care. It's not my business. I mean, I wouldn't want to regulate or do anything like that, whatever. But I think that based on the date of marriage, when they were 22 and 21 years old, the rest of all of this nonsense kind of comes into focus. Yeah. I'm not,

That wouldn't be my cup of tea either. But if he wants to do it, great. And she wants to let him do it. Great. Don't care about that. But the level of like shock and awe that he's having over the breast milk seems to me if she pulled out like a dominatrix chain or a peg or something. Here we go. He would have the come aparts. If something really kinky happened to him, he really wouldn't know what was going on.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Pumps this year is already going by so quickly. And you know, I think sometimes it's important to pause and take inventory when you feel overwhelmed of all the things that you're proud of. I absolutely agree. And what I like to do most is sit down with my BetterHelp therapist in the privacy of my own home in my comfy clothes and

And just unload and touch base on where I am in my life.

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That's ASPCApetinsurance.com slash had it. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Let me ask you this. Okay. Have you ever pulled out

Sex toys and you're talking about it. You do all this big talk. You know I'm a big talker. You ever spanking anybody over there, Pops? No, just motorboating. Just Donald Trump with his magazine with his picture on it. You're over there motorboating with all the sex you've been having? You know what's amazing is that with my boobs, which were once, as we all know, well, we don't all know, you know. A fantastic duo. They were fantastic. Dynamite. They were perky. They were rock up.

In my entire life, no motorboating, really. You know what? There's still time. Yeah, there is still time. Here's what I foresee.

And I've just seen this pattern pick up. I think you have a lot of sexual frustration that comes out where you talk about wanting to boss people around in the bedroom. Right. It comes out episode after episode after episode. You particularly seem to really despise small penises. So I think we've got to go on the hunt for large penises.

penis men that you can dominate in the bedroom. And then I think your dream of finally motorboating someone, albeit now they are sagging dragons, but they are iconic. What if they are iconic? You suffocated somebody? I don't want somebody to suffocate in there. All right. Here's our last one. And this is from Reddit. There's a 33 year old male and the wife is 34 year old female. And the wife thinks my orgasms are gross. How do I handle this?

My wife and I have been married for only two months. We dated two years and got married last year. We don't have any children and would like to have children one day. But my wife has suddenly and unexpectedly told me that she thinks when I orgasm, I shouldn't do it around her. She said specifically, she thinks the semen is gross and that it's not important that I have an orgasm during sex.

We had sex once or twice a month leading up to getting married. I'd like to, I'd have liked more, but I understand life gets in the way, but she never wanted me to ejaculate. She would have her orgasm and usually says I can go finish myself in the bathroom or something. I've asked her to help me and she told me it's not her responsibility for me to get me to orgasm.

She thinks semen is gross and unimportant. When I mentioned the semen point, I asked her how she thought we'd have kids and how she'd get pregnant if I didn't have sex the normal way. She told me that it was rude to call it not normal and made her feel inadequate.

But the part that shocked me was that she said she'd prefer to go IVF and she'd like to choose a donor based on certain features she'd like her kid to have.

She kept saying her kid, not ours, or even acknowledge I'm part of this. She said that while she loves me, she wants the best for her kid and wants the best donor she can find. This is a complete 180 from what we discussed before getting married. She said, I'm selfish for wanting my DNA for our kid. Yeah.

I'm honestly completely confused. She has never talked this way before we got married and never mentioned it. I'm totally lost here. How do I explain that she changed almost overnight and she's being unrealistic? I'm afraid she's leading us down a route of a sexless marriage, but then I feel guilty for even thinking she owes me something. What? All right. All I have to say is who's going to tell him?

I was just going to say. Who's going to tell him? Kelly, are you going to tell him? I'll tell him. That his wife's gay? Exactly. I'm kind of obsessed with this woman. Who is going to tell him? He married a lesbian. Yeah. He married a lesbian. And I love this gal. I love her. She's an icon. She's an icon. She's iconic. Let's review. Let's review the shit that she told him and how much space she has.

She says, I've asked her to help me. And she told me it's not her responsibility for me to get me to orgasm. That she thinks semen is gross and unimportant. And then she goes on talking about her kid and her DNA and her donor. And then at the end of this, he says, I'm totally lost here. I'm like, dude, your wife's gay. Right.

Your wife's gay. It's no big deal. She married you. Right. She figured it out. She figured it out. Now she didn't want to be married to you. Cut bait. Find somebody else. Let her go get a great sperm donor. When the semen started coming out of that thing, she was like, whoa. No, thank you. No, thank you. No. I'm going to pass. This is a bridge too far, buddy. Right. I like that she doesn't want him to orgasm around her. I love her.

She's super, super gay. It was my first thought. Yeah. But I just like the reversal of roles. Yes. Of like, I'm going to come. You go handle your own. That is not my problem. Yeah. She's a boss bitch. She's a boss bitch. You know what that is? That's a power lesbian. That's a power lesbian. She's a thing. She's kind of a c***, but like, I can't help but really like her. Yeah. I really like her. And then she starts saying how she doesn't want his DNA. That kind of is hurtful. But everything else, just you go, girl. Yeah.

Yeah, but here's the deal. We're only hearing his side of the story. He might have like skank sperm or something like stinky. What's skank sperm? I don't know. Like smells. I don't know. You hear about random sperm problems. You do? Rogue skank sperm? Like it smells bad and stuff. You got some, you experienced some stinky skank sperm? No, but I feel like I've heard people talk about it. Really? Where? The suburbs? Yeah.

Megachurch. Did somebody with a Stanley Cup and a top-knot unicorn headband tell you that? Is that what happened? No, but isn't that true? That sometimes sperm smells bad? I think I have heard that sperm can be like, ugh. Yeah, we don't know all of the detail. But I do know. And he might be a dog.

He could be, but I do think that this woman has figured out that she has a sexual desire. He gets her off and then she's like, "Get the fuck out of here. Take your stinky, what do you call it? Skank sperm and get the fuck out of here. It's not my problem. I'm not helping you finish this thing. And FYI, I'm doing IVF and I'm getting a sperm donor because you're ugly."

How's your self-esteem today? All right, Pam. So in review. Hold on. Here's my question. Okay. Do you think she has realized she's a lesbian yet? 100%. Okay. That's what I thought, but I just want to make sure, like, maybe she's still struggling. Maybe. I don't know. You bring up a good point. At first, my first instinct was no. Right. That's kind of what I thought. But then you're right. Maybe she's, you know, in the bargaining stage. Right. Because I think that even for people, regardless of what your circumstances are, society has this expectation, right?

of what you're supposed to be, which is heterosexual. And I think that people that find that they are not that go through their own, you know, I hate saying this word, it's a brand journey. Yeah. But that is a journey. That genuinely is a journey where you learn more about yourself. So maybe she's in that process. And they're young. They're young. They're probably pretty religious. So they thought they had to get married right out of the box. Yeah.

I think she probably is just figuring out. Pretty soon she's going to have a co-worker she spends a lot of time with that's female. Pretty soon they're having sleepovers. Pretty soon she's pegging and he's out. And he's sitting there going, what happened? How did this happen? And it's like, go back to your Reddit thread.

And we know exactly what to have. Get back to your diary entry that should have been a diary entry, but you put it on the internet. Put it on the internet. And we personally would like to thank you for sharing that because it's been great content for our podcast. That's right. Absolutely. Two months in, that's when he figured it out. Yeah. Yeah. Man, Seth, those are great finds on Reddit. I think those are very interesting finds.

I do think that we've had several themes, several arcs that we follow in this podcast. One, of course, has been your lesbian arc. The new arc that I would want all of the listeners, and I think y'all have been picking up on this because she's certainly been putting it down, is this arc of Pumps.

I mean, she is dehydrated, famished beyond all comprehension for sex. I think she would even take skank sperm. That's how desperate the situation is. And within that part, I'm constantly hearing about...

You know, she wants to kind of gripe people out. She wants to boss men around. And I think this episode she's talking about what if they start spanking it and then whipping and they bring out the leather. And I mean, I've been friends with this woman for years and I've just heard all this S&M talk and all of this rock hard cock talk on our Patreon, which we're about to flip to next will be our pumps named it, not me. Our post shows are called the Rock Hard Cock Chats.

Pumps named it. It's her brand. It's her baby. It's my brand. So there's just two arcs that we're following here as listeners. And it is, of course, the lesbian arc. But now I'm kind of leaning in. Like, I mean, you're just as confused as this gal that hates the sperm. Now I hear this dominatrix arc taking shape. Don't you, Kylie? Absolutely. All right. I mean, it's a...

Leather bodice. See? Do you see what I mean? There's no denial. Maybe some vinyl boots, like thigh high. Absolutely. I'm just going to go all in. Why stop there? You know what? You can get your victims, those little ball gags. Ooh, yes. Look at that excitement. Ooh, a ball gag. Meemaw. God. All right, listen. The Rock Hard Cock Chat starts now on Patreon. If you haven't joined yet,

Look yourself in the mirror and say, what the fuck am I doing with my life? And Poms, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it.