The Lesbian National Anthem with Kristin Key
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One, two, three. Start again. One, two, three. That's great. Better. Much better. Huh?

How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm just great. What have you had it with? Okay, you're going to D.I.E. when I tell you this. Okay, so it came to my attention at a party I was at last night that there are parents that create social media accounts in the name of their child's school.

And then all they do on the side is shout out their child for achievement. Then they retweet it or repost it on their own social media. Like, oh my gosh, look how nice the school is. They said how great my kid was. I mean, how fucked up is that? I have had it. Okay, hang on. Parent makes a fake school statement.

Like, Blojo High School. Blojo High School basketball or Blojo High School football. And then only posts their kid. Well, intermingles the school staff. Maybe throws in a couple other kids. A couple kids, but very rarely. Does somebody at your kid's school do this? Yes. That doesn't even go to school anymore at my kid's school and is still shouting out their kid on my kid's school's website. Fake account. I'm telling you, these parents are out of control. It's unbelievable.

I could not wrap my head around it. Kids are great. The dealing with the other parent. It's the hard part. Is such. Could you imagine working at a school and dealing with these monsters? No, I could not. That would be the worst part. Being the school secretary, being the principal, being a teacher. How about disciplining a child at a school? Oh, do you remember like.

Some of our younger listeners are going to lose their mind, but I remember when I was in elementary school, this friend of mine that I went to school with, he was kind of naughty. His name was Billy. And he was always sent to the principal's office and he straight up got swats. Yes.

I got in trouble one time in middle school and they said I could either write a paper or get a SWOT. And I wrote a paper. I mean, it was just like a paragraph. I can't remember what I did. I'm trying to think. I hope it was juicy. See, Billy always opted for the SWOTs. In retrospect, I totally would get the SWOT. It's easier. It's over. But it's crazy. It's fucking bananas. And I don't support the SWOTs. No. But I'm just saying like. That's how far back.

Yes. And now the parents are just, they're so crazy and unhinged. And most, I mean, in these kids whose parents do this, I'm just going to take a wild stab at it. I don't think they're going to end up being that successful. And they're just the most obnoxious, entitled, arrogant pricks on planet earth. My experience is the children of the power moms. Right.

are the most unlikable children.

Yeah, that's probably right. I mean, they are. Because they're so rotten. Yeah, because it's just, it's every day is, you know, you're so great. You're so special. You're so extraordinary. The world, you're a gift to the world. Yes. Look at my little Johnny. Yeah. Gift to the world. Yeah. Yay, little Johnny. Again, this is a group that, you know, ruins it for a lot. There's a lot of parents that I've met that are super cool. Incredible. And great. But those types of parents that are just amazing.

constant advertisement for their children. I feel like it goes back to they had some deep-seated insecurity about themselves in high school and now they're trying to rewrite history with their child because most parents don't behave that way. Well see and here's the deal too. I noticed this when I was probably around like maybe mid-30s and I still notice people that were obsessed with

Right. Right.

So whose education was better? So, I mean, your private school education, just you're still riding on the coattails of your parents' success and you're not doing jack shit. You owe back taxes. Can't buy a house in your own name. All my shit's tight. Right.

So I'm kind of going with the public school thing. Right. I mean, if we were to compare the two of us. But people are just ridiculous about it. And then you have the people that peaked in high school. Right. And they still post about bands that they listened to in high school. Right. And they still, like their profile picture is a picture of them in high school. They're knee deep in all the high school Facebook groups. And I'm like, it was a fucking long time ago. Let's move on from high school. Right. And here's the deal.

High school's all right. It's not the best experience of your life. Well, you think it is when you're in high school compared to junior high, but then you get to college and you're like, oh my God, that was a nothing burger. Well, yeah. And it's like, you're so young. I mean, you're still a kid. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Lay it on me. Okay.

I'm fine, and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm fine with Apple having like Apple the company, having a monopoly on phones. Right. Watches. Apple TV, watches, whatever. I'm fine with it. I know it's probably not good. It's capitalism fucking on steroids. I get all that. I like their product. Everybody knows we fucking love our watches. Yes. What pisses me off about Apple is everybody kind of went from the normal plug to the USB plug.

I had USBs installed in my house. Right. They had USBs put on airplanes. They had USBs put on nightstands and hotel rooms. And then Apple...

goes and makes a USB-C. Right. Which I think is on purpose just straight up capitalism. They did not need to do that. That shit needs to be regulated. I agree. That is unacceptable. Because now you have to buy all new everything. That's bullshit. Total. It pisses me off. They need to make a law that is a universal electrical outlet. That's a big government. I know, but they need to do it because...

Everybody is doing, you know, like you travel, you get on an airplane and then you realize, oh, I have the new thing. Right. Mine doesn't fit in here. And I think it's bullshit. I agree. And I'm furious at Apple for that. It's a total fucking fraud. Capitalism on steroids. Everybody already buys all your shit. Everybody does iTunes. Everybody has Apple TV. Everybody does the watch. Everybody does the more. It's just more, more, more, more, more change the outlet.

Tim Cook is total fucking bullshit. I completely agree. I hate that when you don't have the right plug with your same products. I have had it right. I agree. That shit pisses me off. The government needs to step in. I think regulations are good.

And we need to regulate this shit. Right. Because it's just a money grab. That's plain and simple. Totally is. And it was unnecessary. Everybody had just adjusted to the USB. Right. And then you're rolling out the USB-C. It's bullshit. I've had it. I fucking had it. And everybody else has too. And y'all need to issue a public apology. Yeah.

And go back to the USB. Or give them to everyone free. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Which we know will never happen. As I sit here with my Apple iPhone next to me and my Apple Watch on, and when I leave here, I'm going to go watch Apple TV. Right. They're real fucking scared of me. Right. They know that you're not going to boycott. That's why we need the government to step in and tell them fucking knock it off with the outlet. Yeah, but everything the government gets involved in is fucked up. This is happening in the EU. It is. Oh, it is? Yeah, the EU is mandating a universal...

Court. Yes, they are. And not everything the government gets involved in is fucked up. That sounds kind of Trumpy. Well, but I'm just saying, everything they touch turns to shit pretty much. Like what? Like book banning, trying to get in people's uterus. That's not the government. That's the extreme right wing. Well, I know, but these laws. Yeah, they're awful. They're awful. Okay, so welcome to I've Had It.

Welcome to I've had it podcast. I am a supporting member of the show. My name is Jennifer. Shut up. You drive me crazy with that. I'm Angie. She is the star of our show, the Princess Diana of podcasting, the best clapper in the Northern Hemisphere. Thank you for that. You're welcome. You're welcome. People, some people say on

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I mean that sincerely. Someday you're going to look over here and I'm just going to bitch slap her. I mean that sincerely. Okay, Kylie, what's going on on social media? I want to read you a five-star review. Oh, good. That's so nice. Scooter Cadillac wrote, the title of it is Saved My Family. And he wrote, this show is the first thing my mother-in-law and I have been able to bond over. She loathes me. See that? Bringing...

families together. Thanks to the leadership from the Princess Diana of podcasting, we are uniting families. You are exhibiting the exact kind of leadership this world needs. Right. Maybe I'll run for president. Oh, could you imagine? That's not a worst job on the planet. Horrible. Horrible. This episode of I've Had It is brought to you by Just Thrive.

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Okay, listen up. We have a great episode ahead of you. We have our very first repeat guest besides Josh Welch. Right. Who doesn't count? Who doesn't count? And she is in Oklahoma City. So she is going to be in studio today. She is a comedian. She is a friend of the show. We absolutely love her. Let's welcome to I've Had It, Kristen Key.

Okay, Kristen, welcome to Oklahoma City, aka Action City. Action City. Oh, that's what they call it here. Action City. I've never heard that. I don't know how. I'm sure you can tell by the bustling, robust downtown life. Oh my gosh. There's a lot happening. Yes. Yeah. I can't believe I'm here. I know. It's so fun to have you in town.

I've seen this place on my computer, but now I'm in it. Last you were here. I was up there. Yeah, you were. I'm here. Yes. So exciting. Thank you for having me. Yes. And you're in town doing standup, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm at the Bricktown Comedy Club. It's been so fun all weekend. I'm done. But what a fun week. Do you go back to California this today? A couple of days. I'm going to drive over to Tulsa and see my parents for a couple of days. That's nice. So your parents are Oklahoman? They are. Okay. So what's it like traveling, you know, across the country? Yeah.

Do you sense different personalities in different cities? Oh, yeah. Because I just came from a show in San Francisco to a show in Oklahoma City. Oh, that's a big difference. Well, I'm trying to build a lesbian army. Ha ha!

So I got all my lesbians in San Francisco, not, not a big poll, but in, in Oklahoma city, there were some lesbians, but then I noticed like Facebook, Facebook targeted ads. You can't just say to lesbians. So I had to be like, I need people that are interested in pickleball, LPGA, Brandy Carlisle, cats, you know? And then I noticed my audience was like, Oh, a lot of lesbians. And then some ladies that were like, why am I at this fucking show? I'm like, Oh no, they just like cats.

I only like cats. Well, they like me at the end of it and they join the army or whatever. Right. U-Haul. You could have tagged U-Haul. Ah, that's what I could do. Yes. Teva sandals. Yes. Subarus. I had Subaru in there. Yeah, Subaru's in there. I'm trying to make Bert's piece a lesbian thing. Lowe's hardware store. Lowe's. So I play pickleball with a bunch of lesbians. Yeah. And this one married couple that I play with.

They had this in between matches, they would go over and they had this rag and they would take the rag and then put it on their hand. And then it's like a sticky rag. And then they'd put it on the paddle. I said, what do you, what is that? And they're like, Oh, it's a sticky thing to get the sweat off of your hand. And so that your hand will stick to the pickleball paddle. And I was like, that's weird. Did you get that like at a tennis store? I'm like,

oh no, we got it at Lowe's. And I said, that makes perfect sense that you go to Lowe's for your pickleball needs. That is peak lesbianism. Lesbians can solve anything. They really can. My wife is at Lowe's a lot. And she says, do you want to come? I'm like, no, I'm good. She covers the Lowe's in our house. Yeah, this same couple that I'm talking about, they have like a barn full of

tools and machines and they have like a ditch witch. I mean, these, that was my nickname in high school. They can literally like lesbians should run the country. Agree. We've been saying it for years. I have never seen a group of, of people that have their shit so tight that

so organized. They get more shit done. It's unbelievable. Lesbians are low-key slept on as far as being leaders. Yeah. Yes. I'm all for a lesbian president. Oh boy, it would be great, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be great? It would be great. The jackets alone on camera, just the amount of blazers that, yes. The yacht captain could be in that. I love a blazer. I love a blazer.

a blazer. I love a blazer. Or a jacket. Jackets and, I mean, I have just, between me and my wife, it's just, it's a closet full of jackets and blazers and some golf shirts and hats. Well, I feel like we're being too positive. Right. Oh, shoot. I know. I bring that places. I know.

I got to try and bring it down a notch. People are coming here to trash talk. So why don't you tell us what you've had it with? Okay. Well, lately, I've really had it with not good pets. Because I love traditional pets, cats and dogs. Great pets. My wife is allergic to both. And so people come up to me after shows and they'll be like, oh, if your wife's allergic to cats, you should get. And then they name a variety of stupid pets.

cats that i don't want or like or they're tragic for children so this lady in florida was like you should get a lemur and i was like what is the lemur it's like a little monkey kind of yeah and i was like can you even legally own a lemur because you can in florida and you're like okay we're not moving i was like yeah i know you can you can own people in florida that doesn't make it right but it's like hairless cats people say hairless cats a lot i think hairless cats are just revolting

They're so gross. I always thought they were terrible, okay?

So then I'm an interior designer. So I go over to this client's house and they have this little hairless cat. Yeah. And the cat was like super engaged in the design meeting. The cat jumped up and listened and was attentive. Picking swatches. Followed us around, like tilted the head in a cute way. And then I kind of like started petting it. And I was like, well, it's not his fault that it doesn't have hair. This is an engaged, attentive, non-shedding animal. Don't get it twisted. I'm not going to have a hairless cat.

But the only hairless cat that I've ever met was quite impressive. Here's the problem with them. They're the most, like, of all the temperaments of cats, they have the best. Yeah. So they want, they want, they will snuggle, they'll come to you, which is awful because they'll just, like, walk up and teabag you because they're...

testicular, you know. And there's like, to me, there's two kinds. There's the one that looks like the pink grumpy old man, like they all look like Republican senators, just meowch McConnells. And then there are the ones that kind of look like Jen.

Just like a pretty face, just real thin. Did you just say that I look like a hairless cat? It did not hit me until I started the bit. And I was like, oh shit, no wonder you like them. But okay, so hairless cats. And then what else are bad pets? I'm over hairless cats. Hamsters. Yeah, they're gross. Hamsters, I'm against them because it's a tragic pet.

Anyone that I know that has children with a hamster, it's like, it's the first time your child needs therapy. Right, because they die. They die. And they die even if it's natural causes. Like dogs and cats live decades. Hamsters, maybe they can't ride home. Right, right.

But then if you do have them for a little while, it's just a barrage of the worst ways to die. Yeah, and you have to clean out their little cages. There's poop everywhere. I'm out on that. The whole thing. Yeah. I had a couple of them. One of mine, his name was Tony.

And then we came home and found out Tony was Tina when he had babies. Yeah. And then ate the babies in front of me. Oh. And died from eating the babies. I've kind of forgotten they did that. I had a friend when I was growing up that, yes. It was a trans cannibal hamster. There's a lot of them. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of them. Yeah. A trans cannibal hamster. How did it get there? But we don't judge. We don't judge. Oh, of course not. Except for the cannibalism is fucked up. Yeah, that's fucked up. But I've seen, I remember that now. You don't want to yuck anybody's yum? No.

I haven't had it with cannibalism. I haven't met one. No, no, no. Probably that's a, probably a deal breaker. Yeah. No, I do. I remember I had that exact same experience and we were just like, ran and got the mom and she was like, that's just kind of what they do. Why do they eat their babies?

I don't know. I think she did. I have a theory. I have a theory on this. Okay. Probably didn't like being in captivity and didn't want to, her babies to live with the same horrible owner. Were you the owner? I was. Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. Tip for tat with the, I look like a hairless cat. Okay.

I mean, if we did a side-by-side, it's the pretty ones, not the ones that look like Mitch McConnell. Guess what's coming to Instagram any moment now. Oh, I can't wait for it. Kylie will be doing a video with me next to a hairless cat. There's some really, really sweet ones, and that's the ones, not the weird ones. Because there's like this great picture of a hairless cat that's like sitting with its stomach out. Not that one. Right. There's real pretty ones. Not that one. I have so many pictures of hairless cats. And this is something you mentioned you had had it with too, right? Hairless cats. Yes. Yes.

But not the, once I got in here and sat down, I was like, not that one. You're the nice one. Do you have any pets?

We don't. We don't. So your wife's allergies prevent you... She's allergic, which is a Latin word that means selfish. Yes. Yes. It's keeping me from my dreams. But we really... We want... I think we're going to get a dog. She's less allergic to dogs. But this is another thing that I'm like... Well, let's just say I've had it with. Right. I've had it with people that I think over-regulate their dogs. I think that dogs should kind of just...

Just like have avant-garde. I understand like train them not to pee in the house. Right. But yeah, they can sit on the couch. Oh, yeah. And snuggle and stuff. Absolutely. My wife has lots of rules. No, that doesn't. Yeah. She's like, no, she's not a good candidate to adopt a dog. If you're not going to let the dog snuggle with you. Yeah. Because they're like the lover. Yeah. I mean, they're unconditional love all the time. So I have these two French bulldogs that are my biological children that I pushed out. Okay. You know. Yeah. Yeah.

In the summer, like it's been 100 degrees in Oklahoma. And so they like to be walked. But because of the smushed face and the short legs and then the concrete being so hot, I can't walk them. So I've been perpetrating fraud on my dogs for the last week.

And it's really working out well because they come to me and they just look at me like, when are we going on our walk? When are we going? So I'm like, do you want to go for a ride? And I get them and I load them up in the car and we roll down the windows and I'm like, look, there's a squirrel. And they're going back to back and they like get all of this stuff going on. And it's like a 10, 15 minute ordeal. And they forget. And then we come right back in the house. I'm like, you were so good. And they come back in and they lap up the water. I'm totally...

I'm totally perpetrating exercise fraud on my dogs and it is working like a fucking charm. Oh my God. If you get real lazy, you just turn on the TV. Look, it's a walk. You're walking. Look, you're walking through Mordor. Oh, you found the ring. Now, I think you've got to get your wife on board with when you take this animal in.

It's your biological child. We had different experiences. Like she grew up with a really like her dad was an Air Force colonel, you know. And so she's just like dogs don't need to like dogs are not allowed in the kitchen. I'm like, I'll let a dog eat spaghetti out of my mouth. Exactly. Like Lady and the Tramp style. Yeah. Yeah. My boyfriend.

Like she doesn't like when dogs lick her, she's like, oh, that's no, no licking. No, she's no licky licky. And when I, I've never cheated on her, but I've made out with every stray dog I've ever met.

That doesn't count. No, it doesn't. I love them. Yeah, they are. So are y'all still in the negotiating phases of? Yes. Like I've agreed to a lot of her terms because I love dogs so much. Right. Because like we watched a friend's dog this last week and we're watching like we have two days between we watched it for 11 days. We have two days off. Another dog's coming in for like two weeks. So we like watch dogs all the time because we love them.

And so I've been like, all right, dogs are not allowed on the furniture because when me and my wife first met, it was like, we will not sleep with the window open. Well, guess who sleeps with the window open now? So I'm like, of course dogs aren't allowed on the furniture until we get a dog. And I'm like,

Yeah, that's what I did with my kids. I read all these books. I was like, this is exactly how this child's going to be. I mean, it's going to be a tight ship. And then you take one look at him and you're better. It's kind of like the moms that see like you go out to a restaurant and I see these young mothers and they see like the family with the five and the seven year old and the kids are just at the table and their phones like this. I will never do that with my kids.

Fast forward five years and your kids are fucking insufferable, should not be allowed in public. But there's one thing you can put in their hands that makes everybody in the restaurant not notice them.

And guess what? Guess who's playing games at the table? Right. Mom did. She did. She was a neonatal nurse for a bit. And she used to come home and laugh and laugh at the pregnant ladies that came in with a plan. Oh, yes. I have a big plan. I was a big planner. Didn't do all of it. My biggest one was they're going to eat what I make. Like I am not a fast food restaurant. And one time I remember in my first house that you did, I was making rice soup.

potatoes and pasta each one had their own thing and I just thought you're the fucking worst you're part of the problem you're the worst of the worst of the worst nothing in my plan did I ever do no nothing so when she sees that little cuddly baby it's going to be right there in the bed yeah especially and here's some arguments that you can use with her oh okay like

Dogs only live, their life expectancy is, you know, eight to 12 years. Okay. So you can say, what's your wife's name? Molly. You can say a dog's name. Yeah. You can say, you can say Molly. Like I would understand it if like maybe me, if you said, you know, Kristen, I don't think you should do this and X, Y, Z, because I have this long life to get my needs fulfilled in other areas.

The dog only has eight to 10 years. So are you going to deny this lesbian love child the right to snuggle up with its mothers, treat it like subhuman? We're going to be feeding it like sushi. We're going to be feeding this. Yeah. This dog will be on a pillow with an eye mask on. Silk road. Yes.

No, it's gotten so bad that I've started, like when I finish my dinner, I just start feeding what's left to my 95-pound Siberian husky off the fork. We got to talk about huskies for a second. Because, I'm sorry, I'm positive again. This is something I haven't had it with. Oh, my God. Okay, I've had it with all videos on the internet that aren't huskies having a tantrum. What the hell? They're amazing. But how do people have huskies in their homes? Wow.

Well, Kristen, I'll tell you, this will not be, I will not be the most popular person on the internet after I say this, but I started shaving my dog, my husky, all of the hair down to just like the nub. So we've gotten along splendidly since then. So there's no hair. He's a bald husky.

Husky Her dog is gay But he's the sweetest Okay Yes he has been From the jump But I mean He's the sweetest Snuggler I love this Do you have an Instagram No I would like to follow I can barely run My Instagram She's hateful and mean About people who have Instagrams for their pets She's one of those people But I'm I follow all of them I do too I just took a picture Of him this morning I'll send it to you Okay Because he's really sweet Send me like 15 And I'll start him An Instagram account Okay

But he howls. Like when I drop him off to get groomed, he will howl the entire day. I'm always the first pet to be a pet owner to be called because I walk in, I park and I'm walking in and I can hear that moaning. And then he sees me and he runs me over. He's so excited. They have that howl thing. What do you call it? I don't. Like a cry, kind of. They make all kinds of noise on it because they go from like a howl to just a howl.

Yes, that's what he does. And they don't shut up. No. And I don't know how people have them. I think it's the cutest thing to watch. Yeah. He doesn't do it at home very much. He's a real mama's boy. You've really... You've...

She was a terrible pet owner for quite some time. And she's really turning a corner. And they bonded a lot more. With his hair. I used to just... Sure. And I will say, it's 105 degrees in Oklahoma right now. Shaving him because he's not in Alaska or northern Canada. It seems somewhat humane. Although...

I hope that you tell him consistently that he still is handsome and he's pretty because that matters. Well, and here's the deal. He never was embarrassed. Like the first time he did it, I would have expected him to be embarrassed. He really wasn't. It was crazy because you can kind of tell when they're embarrassed. I think it's probably, you know, sometimes, you know, being a homosexual husky in a red state like Oklahoma really got him ready. It set the psychological soil that prepared him to be a bald guy.

You know, the homophobia that he faced in the suburbs in deep red Oklahoma prepped him for the upcoming bald. That's what I would say. You're not making t-shirts that say homosexual husky in the state of Oklahoma. No.

You're missing out on a cash cow. I escaped from my red state. Right. I left, yeah. Went all the way to California. Yeah, I went from Amarillo, Texas to Los Angeles. Let's talk about Amarillo. Let's. What was that like growing up as a lesbian in Amarillo, Texas? In the late 90s. Well, back then, like...

I didn't know any different. Right. So that was one thing that helped a lot. Oh, this is just what it's like. I didn't know it was better in other places or easier. So back then you really just you didn't talk about it. Right. You didn't talk about it. No, it's just a real small when I lived there. I'm sure it's a little different now, but really small.

of gay people. And so the dating pool was very shallow. Like you would, you would, you would date people you weren't even attracted to. Like, why are you dating her? Because I haven't yet. Right. Only one. Right. She's left on a list and I'm checking it twice. Yeah. Or you date someone to get like, Oh, why are you dating her again? Well, she went to rehab. She's a different person now.

So when did you move? I moved when I was 25. So I'd lived there the majority of my life and I moved at 25. I moved to Austin briefly and then, but I only lived there about six, seven months and then moved to Los Angeles. And what a different place. Right. Totally. Nobody, like I was in the closet with my neighbors in Los Angeles for like, I don't know, the first three months. And then they were like, we know, we don't understand. I'm like, oh, where I come from, it's a slow come out. Right.

It's a gradual coming. I need you to like me first. And then I realized out there, oh, you don't have to do that. Which is so nice. It is. I didn't come out on stage until I was 35. Really? Because I still had it in my head from what I'd learned in Amarillo. The club owner in Amarillo had told me from day one, don't come out on stage. Nobody wants to see a lesbian comic.

And so I really had that in my head. And so, yeah, at 35, I finally started talking about being gay on stage. And how much more fun is that? Right. Well, yes. Well, because I started talking not just about being gay, but about other things. I didn't realize how much I'd been censoring. Like, I wasn't talking about crocheting. I didn't talk about how much I love cats. Because I was like, oh, they'll know. Right. I had a very similar haircut. So they probably knew. And people probably sat through my shows going, do you think she knows she's gay? Yeah.

Should we tell her? Someone should tell her she's gay. But, yeah. So what... I mean, because this is... We grew up, obviously, in the Bible Belt. And Amarillo is a part of that. Yeah. It's the buckle. We'll fight over the buckle. Are you the buckle? I don't know. I feel like Oklahoma's the buckle. Because Texas does have some... Big blue cities. Yeah. Yeah, but... Our panhandles touch, though. They do. That's true. It's like a Texas pan. It's like a shot on I-40. Yeah. We're all part of the same thing. But when...

Because for me, I really feel for, because there's now this big surge, and we talk about it on the podcast quite a bit, this big surge of homophobia that has become really loud again. Like, it seemed like we had Will and Grace era, Ellen comes out, and then Obama gets elected, and then he lights up the White House with the rainbow flags. And I was kind of like, oh, God, that's so much progress. This is feeling so much better. And it was a civil rights movement that went lightning speed compared to other issues. Right.

And now I feel like all of a sudden everybody's mad at all the gays again and all of these horrific tropes about grooming and all of this horrible homophobic stuff that's been coming out. And I feel really bad for people because right now there are a lot of lesbians and trans and gay men in red,

Sure. In small cities where you grew up. And it's like now everybody's jumping on this bandwagon of, you know, gay being so bad again. Were you in your personal life, like in your family, were you scared to come out to them or to your friends? Or was it a process of coming out? It was a process. Because, like, my family is deeply religious. I came out when I was 16. And then I took it back three years later because it was that hard. Oh.

Like I came out, um, I lost like my church. My church told me not to come back. Um,

It's terrible. It happens. It happens all the time. It's more the norm or they try to pray the gay away. Sure. That happened first. That happens before like, yeah. So all that happened. And what kind of church was this? It was a church of Christ. Okay. Yeah. No instruments. No instruments. No dancing. And also I've got lots of friends and family that are, no lesbians. No lesbians.

Lots of friends and family still go to that church. And now we have a much better relationship. But when I was young, I did not have any tools.

to how to like deal with that. I didn't have any, I, all I had was the ideology I grew up with and the fact that I'm gay. Right. Those two things didn't mesh. I didn't know what to do. Right. Right. And so I just went and I dropped out of high school. I lived with people I shouldn't have like all kinds of stuff to survive for a long time. And then, you know, gradually kind of found my way in the world, you know, but it was a, it was a hard, it was a hard come out, you know, hard. Yeah.

I think that's why it's so important now to have like some, some visibility. I agree. I talk about being gay on stage. Yes. Um, with no apologies and I don't have to come out. I just talk about my wife. I talk about my life. Right. I think it's important for other like small town or even big city lesbians to just see or, or gay people or trans people or whatever to say you can be you. It's okay to be you. Right. Right. This is a safe place right here in this moment. Right. And, uh, and I don't know, like,

You mentioned other red places. My wife and I have a rule. We're not going to move somewhere where it's not safe for me to use the bathroom. Right. Because I'm a lady. I was born a lady. Right. I don't look like a traditional lady all the time, especially not in an airport. Like if I put a ball cap on, I get a lot of young mans. Sir, young man! Like so many to wear now. When someone yells young man more than once, I turn around. Right.

Clearly they made me, Oh no, it was a real young man. Okay. And so I've had multiple experiences in bathrooms that were just uncomfortable. And I feel bad for people that maybe are trans or that, or, or just short haired lesbians. Right. Cause when I see another short haired lesbian in a bathroom, I was at least like give a nod, like we're both safe right now. Yeah. I got you girl. Like you're in the right room.

It's what's happening. It is what it is. I just hate about it. And I think it's sad, but more than anything, all of us need to be motivated to platform people like you. You need to continue your normalizing that I am a gay woman. I am in a marriage. We are functioning adults. I am a comedian. Right. Exactly.

Exactly. We're, you know, fighting about if our dog jumps on the sofa or not. Right. Whether or not to feed a dog from your mouth. Right. You know, and I, you know, really love the gay community. I have found...

being an interior designer, I'm surrounded by just a gaggle of gay men being an avid elite pickleball athlete. I'm surrounded by a ton of lesbians. And I have said this from the jump. I would much rather have friends who have been through shit than the people in the white picket fence world. Sure. Right. I want people who have depth, who have grown from it, who have evolved from it. Hearing your story about how

It took time for you to come out and getting rejected from your church and the growth that that caused to have. Now you sit in front of me. It causes a gravitational pull for me to, to,

to gravitate towards people like you because you have something interesting. I've never felt so bad about comparing you to a hairless cat. I don't feel bad. She deserves it. I do deserve it. No, no, I'm so sorry. No, I do. People accuse me of being mean to pumps and so I really probably deserve the... Oh, you guys, everybody knows you guys love each other. We do. Pumps are new, curvy, white boucle sofa that we put in our studio when we have a third person, an in-studio guest. Money. Money.

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rocketmoney.com slash had it. I want to play a game with you called had it or hit it. Oh my God. Welcome to had it or hit it. I would hit it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Tell us if you've had it with this item or if you would hit it. Had it or hit it. Healthy versions of good food. Had it. I've had it.

I'm so sorry. I would like to eat buffalo chicken wings. Buffalo cauliflower can suck it.

With lots of dressing on the buffalo wings. Yes. Why? Would you ruin? Because people are like, oh my God, I made cookies, but. I'm like, if you ever say but when you make a dessert. There's no sugar. There's no butter. No flour, no sugar, no eggs. I'm like, that's not a cookie. Right. That's like a bunch of shit piled together. Okay. So had it or hid it. Gluten-free cookies. Had it. Yeah. I've had it. No more. No more. If you're going to have a sweet...

make it the way it should be and then then like have a cheat day around it right yeah the whole like I have this personality type if somebody actually has celiac that is one percent of the population yeah and I feel really badly for them but they don't make their diet a big issue onto other people but

But when I hear people, normal people that don't have any food allergy talking about not eating gluten, it makes me want to go get an IV bag of gluten and inject that shit into my veins. Also grind up gluten and snort it at the exact same time because it just infuriates me. Two lines of white bread. That was a wonder.

Okay. Had it or hit it. Speaking of snorting white powders, had it or hit it stevia. Oh, I've had it with stevia. Oh my gosh, Kristen. I'm a big stevia person. Oh no. It doesn't mean we can't be friends. I've had it because it's to me, it's on the same thing of like, if I want a Coke, I don't drink Coke very often, but if I want a Coke, I'm going to have one Coke and it's going to be delicious. And my mom's like, Oh,

I've got Cokes. And she'll pull out something that resembles a cola. Like Coke Zero or something. And I'm like, it's almost a Coke. Hashtag almost. Almost a Coke. Yeah. Had it. Okay. And our last one, had it or hid it, billionaires in the news.

Had it. Had it. Had it. Had it. I'm so sick. Everything, everything they do, whether they're running for president or dying at the bottom of the ocean. Right. Stop it. Just stop it. Right. It's driving me crazy. We have like billions of people on this planet. Right. They're doing amazing things. But all we hear about.

Are these less than 1% of people with a billion dollars doing stupid shit every day? Stupid shit. Stupid shit. So I saw our former President Obama in an interview, and it was during the submarine situation. And he said there was a ferry passenger boat off the shore of Greece where 750 people died. Yes.

And nobody's talking about it. We're talking about these four billionaires in the submarine. And I'll be it. That's sad. But I agree with you. It's just like the capitalism sometimes just gets so hyped up that everybody's consumed with what these billionaires are doing. And I've had it. I've had it. And I'll tell you what else I've had it with. Why are we still so interested in the Titanic? I don't understand the fascinations.

It's so great about that. I mean, it's like it sank. It's down there. Why are we still talking about it? I don't get it. Why is it so enthralling? I mean, I liked the movie. It's a sad story.

It's down at the bottom of the ocean. Right. And we have already. Leave it be. A lot of ships have sunk. Why does the Titanic get preferential treatment? Yeah, it just seems to be just over the top about the Titanic. I've had it with people that want to talk about the Titanic all the time. Yeah, I'm a huge Titanic fan. Are you? I wrote a paper on it in the seventh grade. It was before the movie came out. And it was like...

I got super into it, but yeah. I recently was on a big ferry boat from Sicily to the mainland of Italy. And like our Uber car went on the boat and then we went up to the top and ate a hot dog. And the only thing that was going through my head was Celine Dion's. My heart will go on.

was going through my head and I'm like I hope this ride isn't very long I know we're going to go down and it's just I could just see her like you know just punching the shit out of her chest like she did did you and Josh get up there and do the arm thing no did he draw you like one of his French girls

Kristen Key, we are only good at one thing, and I would say we're moderately good at it, and that is this podcasting thing. But you are kind of a jack-of-all-trades. Right, with the guitar. I love the guitar. So, listener, this is a treat. Kristen is going to sing us a song here at I've Had It. I was trying to think of which one to play because we were going to talk about pets. Right. And then we talked about marginalized groups.

like gay people. So I couldn't decide whether to play one about weird pet owners or marginalized pets. Yeah, I decided instead I'm going to just sing the lesbian national anthem. Okay. I drive a Subaru, donate to dog rescues, have arm tattoos.

Femme butch or cottagecore, we like to be outdoors in hats and cargo shorts with our ugly shoes. My shoes are comfortable. My purse is functional. It has bird speeds.

My arms are always flexed. I stayed friends with my ex because we share a pet. It's a gay girl thing. Pickleball! That was amazing! Kristen Key, I have to say it is always so much better when we get to have our guests in studio. Yes. So great to have you again and your perfect skin. Oh!

my god you could talk about that all day is that a lesbian thing no no it's genetic my mom's amazing oh my mom has great skin it's it's the genes well listener thank you so much for joining us today kristen enjoy your day in action city right thank you so much for having me and this has been a uh just a i sound like an old lady this has been a real treat it's been so special lady i always say that

We always say that. It's been a real treat. It's been a real treat. It's been special. Listener, please give us five-star reviews on Apple, and we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday. And follow Kristen at? At KristenKey.com. Go to www.KristenKey.com. You can find all of my socials there, and I have a million videos. Watch all of them. Her Instagram is a great follow. It's perfect. We're Insta friends. I love your feed. Okay. Bye, listeners. I'll tell you what I've had up with.

- Without the fans, there is none of this. - Wednesday, August 9th. - I'm so honored to be here. ♪ Baby, you're a rock star ♪ - America's biggest superfans meet their superstar idols. - Yeah! - And compete for a once in a lifetime prize. - That is correct! - I'm gonna take 'em through my new records, song by song. - You can pick a song and we can sing it together on stage. - And the title of ultimate superfan. - It is up to you, America. ♪ Superfan ♪ - Superfan premieres Wednesday, August 9th on CBS and streaming on Paramount+.