The Dumbest MFers on the World Wide Web
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One, two, three. Not my best. I would say C plus. It wasn't good. You have to start it over. Okay. One, two, three.

It's bad again. Third time's the charm. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Oh my God. It is face plant city. Oh, for three. It is face plant city. And I think it calls for... It does. Absolutely does. All right. Well, I mean, I don't know if you're... Maybe you're the Camilla Parker Bowles of podcasting now. All right. Welcome to I've Had It. We're trying to...

Make this podcast and some things are already falling apart at the seams. Listener, the star of our show, as you know, who claps us on. Failed miserably. It was a trifecta of failure. Yep. But listen, listen up, listener. Today we have to get to the deep dark bottom of a bunch of shit. And this is, I'm telling you guys, there is some shit going on in the neighborhood. Yeah.

major, major, major shit going on in the neighborhood. So, you know, pumps, there's that app that I've told you about called next door. Yes. Yes. I've heard of it. So listener, what this app is, is people get on this app called next door, put in your address, and then it like syncs you up with your neighbors. And then people start reporting to

Things that are going on in the neighborhood. For example, my dog ran away. Right. Didn't have its collar on. Here's my cell phone number. Pets are found. Right. Happy endings happen. Yes. You know, there's, you know, your house is on fire. I've called the fire department. Prevention of, you know, catastrophic things can be, can happen with the use of this app. Right. Okay. Okay.

I don't want to focus on any of the good stories. Of course not. Okay. What we're here to do today is to talk about the fuckery that is going on on this app, the Nextdoor app. And I'm just going to tell you what, listener, this shit is five star high quality content. All right. And I'm just going to start right out of the gates. Okay. With a dramatic reading. Possible cult activity at Nixon Library. Okay.

During the entirety of my library visit, which was about an hour, I watched this man stare at photos of Gary Busey and print them off. I do not know what his agenda is, but I have a feeling it could be cult or Illuminati related. Good night. And then she posts a photo of the cult-like activity onto the neighborhood app. Is it in their neighborhood?

Why is there a cult if you like Gary Busey? I mean, I don't personally care about Gary Busey, but I love the possible cult activity at Nixon Library. Like, what do you think? You think the fucking cult squad's going to break out at the Nixon Library and start going over the Google history and they're going to crack the case and just the Illuminati is going to be taken down because they were looking at pictures of Gary Busey? Like, oh, my God. Yeah.

That person's a cult. I mean, seriously. And then, I mean, she watched him watch Gary Busey. That's a bigger problem for, let me say here, about an hour. She watched him for an hour. Let's call her a stalker. Totally. All right, Kylie, what did you find on the best of Nextdoor app? So Darcy posted pegboard for the taking on the corner of 18th and Claiborne, eight by four.

Wade responded, hmm, my wife always said she wants to try pegging. Never quite knew what she was talking about. Is the pegboard still available?

Do we think that guy like leaned into the humor there? I think he really didn't know. He had to have leaned into the humor. Had to have leaned into the humor. I hope it's true. Although I didn't know what pecking was until maybe two weeks ago. I didn't either. So, I mean, there's a chance. I didn't know. What that means, my precious friend, is she wants to stick a dildo in your ass. That's right. So. Yeah. He wants to get butt fucked by his wife. No, she wants to butt fuck him. Same thing. But I mean.

It's the same ass. Same ass receiving the same dildo. I'm just saying, his wife keeps saying she wants to try Peggy. Right, right. Okay. That was pretty great. Okay, here's another one. So he posts a picture of his truck bed and it has a long submarine sandwich just laying in the truck bed. Cap lock.

Who left this on my truck? This is not funny. I called the police on you. This is a violation of privacy and the First Amendment. If I ever see another sandwich on my property again, I'm going to report you to the police. Which he already said, I called the police on you.

happening with the sandwich why is he so mad i don't know but apparently he violated his first amendment which i don't know that that is a first amendment violation it's 100 not right you're a counselor you're a lawyer i mean that's not a first amendment violation because nobody was preventing him from expressing anything correct counselor

Correct. I know constitutional law is not your area of expertise. Right, but I can get that far. Right, right. I think it's a gift. I do too. I was thinking I would take it out and eat it. Okay, what did you find, Kylie? Someone posted, was on a walk tonight and had two separate cars full of teenagers scream 420 at me. Does anyone know what this is about? I feel like it's one of those tic-tac challenges or something. Posted on April 20th.

You know what that is, don't you, Pops? 420? You know what it is, right? April 20th? You don't know what 420 is? What is it? Marijuana holiday. Oh, that's why they were screaming. It's a big thing. Like on 420, at 420, everybody smokes weed.

No, I didn't know that. Okay, here's one. Suspicious behavior. I saw my next door neighbor drive up to their house, open their garage door from inside the vehicle and drive in and the door closed behind them. It was last night around 5.30 p.m. Did anyone else see this? Typically, they park in the driveway, but last night they parked in the garage.

I have made a report, but want to keep others on the lookout for this type of behavior. It just makes me nervous for this to be happening in my neighborhood. Vehicle one, type truck.

Why is that suspicious? Because typically they park in the driveway. You see, Angie? She's cracked the case. Why is she looking out? Clearly, the person had a body in the car. Well, absolutely. And that's why they drove into the garage. And shut the garage door behind them. And shut the garage door so they could take the body into the house and then, you know, dismember it and then take it back out again. And thanks to this... This report. Tenacious neighbor. She cracked the...

the case. And she has made a report about this type of behavior. Which I'm like, who took that report? I think this app did, but she has cracked the case of this horrible, nefarious behavior of parking your car in your garage at 5.30 p.m. no less. Well, that just seals the deal right there. I will say I have had this happen one time. So during COVID,

I thought I overheard my across the street neighbor and his wife like duking it out. Like when I was on a walk in the neighborhood. Well, then the next time I came back, the car was parked not vertically into the driveway, but horizontally blocking anything coming out of the driveway. And I just thought, damn, that motherfucker's blocked her in. He's not letting her go. She's like a hostage in there. Of course, I didn't report it. Right.

You didn't get on the next door app? I didn't get on the next door app. I didn't do any of that, but I just thought in my head. So the fact that she is thinking about a car going in the garage, that's where cars go. Let's see what she says. She says... How long has she been watching these people? She's too familiar with their routines.

She's made the report. She wants others to be on the lookout for this type of behavior. And see, this is something I think all of our listeners need to be on the lookout for. People that pull into their garages at 5.30 p.m. and close the door. This is something that really needs to be brought to the forefront of being a vigilant neighbor. Right.

everyone should go to their neighborhood FBI office. Yes. People that are parking their cars in the garage at 5 30 PM and shutting the garage and shutting the garage door. This type of nefarious activity has got to stop. There could be a meth lab in any one of these. There's so many options. And I'm just, she has made a report of this type of behavior. And I too am going to start making reports of everybody on my street that

that pulls their car into their garage and then closes the door because God only knows what's going on once that door's closed. It's a gateway to crime. It totally is. It totally is. Kylie, what do you have? Someone posted two goats having sex in public. On my way to work today, I witnessed two goats having sex out in the open on the corner of 86 and New Hope Church Road. If these are your goats, please tell them to be more discreet and teach them better manners.

In parentheses, we are in the South. I would hate for them to defile the morals of this wonderful community. I'm telling you, this goat fucking is out of control, listener. These goats are fucking all the time. Thank God she's making a report on the animals.

Where are the Republicans on this goat issue? Right. I don't know. But you know what? I think they do need to step up. We should probably get legislation going on that. This goat fucking has got to stop. No goat fucking in public. And I don't think they weren't even married. That might have defied the purity. What if they're related? What if the goats are cousins? It gets worse. It gets worse and worse. And I mean, I don't know. I mean, this could lead to people wanting to fuck goats. I just don't think it's healthy. Yeah.

For two goats to be fucking. It seems unnatural. It's too sensual. Pumps, you know what I've had it with? What? Pimples.

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For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois. Okay, here's a guy in La Jolla that posts in the subject Bitcoin.

If anyone is familiar with Bitcoin and how it works, please contact me. My brother gave me a physical Bitcoin and I have no idea how to sell it. I hate to say it, but it would probably be the same. You can't buy anything with a Bitcoin. I think it's digital. I don't even think it's a physical coin. Oh, so it's really digital.

You have to wonder if these people in these neighborhoods, like if they're looking at him like you're a fucking idiot. I mean, I just think it's amazing. Or is it just pure entertainment? It's amazing the ability people have to step onto the Internet and publicly humiliate themselves. It never fails. I mean, the ability that our species has, like, you know what I think I'm going to do today?

I'm going to step on the fucking world wide web and show every motherfucker exactly how dumb I am. And I want it in the permanent record and I want it to follow me past death. I want that shit scoured into everybody's brains. I am the dumbest motherfucker on the world wide web. And I'll tell you what, we hear it. I've had it are here to help spread that message. We'll take them all day. Kylie, what you got?

This one's titled Seeking Corgi for One Hour. That sounds nefarious right off the top. Does anyone have a corgi we could borrow for an hour or two Saturday evening, May 19th? It would be from 6 to 8 p.m. Or it can be earlier, later, shorter, or longer. It would be for a royal wedding viewing. And the corgi would receive much admiration and care. Thanks. What? You're going to be the royals? Borrow a corgi? It's not funny.

I really like, I admire that. Like, you know what? You know, really, it's probably pretty smart because people are terrible pet owners. So they're probably like, you know what? Maybe we could just borrow somebody's dog for a couple of hours. Shoot your shot. Yeah. I mean, I wonder if anybody ever loaned them the corgi. I kind of want to know too. We got to get to the bottom of that. Oh, that's a great one. Okay. The subject of this one is letting my 12 year old drink. Hi all.

My son has recently been asking if he can have wine with us at dinner. He's very mature for his age. He says his friend's parents let them drink and says they've even given him beer sometimes when he goes over for supper. He's not circumcised, if that helps. How would that help? Thanks for your help. She just chomped. She just tried it.

She's trying to get advice from her neighbors, first of all. Okay, let's just start there. Right. She has put this out to her neighbors for advice. About boozing up with their 12-year-old. If he's mature enough and then also throws in he's not circumcised.

Did she put that? I just think she was trying to give her neighbors the full picture. No secrets in there. Penis included. You know, foreskin has been removed. Oh my God. I hope that kid never sees that. Oh, but again, he will because this is literally in the permanent record. This kid knows this will follow him everywhere. And I would like to thank the author of that because that's fantastic. Kylie, what you got?

Okay, I've got a letter. Okay. Dear neighbor, you just moved into this neighborhood a year ago, and I wanted to give you time to correct this problem on your own, but you are apparently too inconsiderate to do so. Every day this week, when weather has been nice and windows are open, you proceed to let your small child run free in your backyard, laughing and giggling and carrying on without end.

This is very disruptive for my two dogs and my bird who sits next to the window and like to look into your yard. Perhaps you could ask the child to tone it down a bit or at least limit their outside time to 15, 20 minutes a day so my dogs can be outside without having to look at him running around. If this kind of behavior persists, all caps, I will call the police.

I love everybody's threat of calling the police. And it's also the biggest tell that you're white. It's always white people always thought, I'm going to call the police. I'm going to call the police. And it's like the biggest go-to. And I'm like, cops don't fucking care. Kid playing in backyard. Kid playing in their own backyard.

Not a crime. And it's also like maybe they should call the police because then the police could be like, we might need to get you admitted. We need you on a 5150 is what we need. And they can get this woman off the streets and off the fucking Internet. Maybe the cop and they should call the cops. We've got to get you committed so we can get you off the fucking Internet. You know what the tell for me was, though?

Two dogs and a bird. The bird. Yeah, the bird. The bird is the tell. Like this little bastard, poor baby. He sits there. He probably has never even popped his cherry. And now. Who hasn't popped his cherry? The bird? No, not the bird. The writer of the deal. I mean, he is a very lonely person. Oh, you think it's a virgin. Yeah.

He's virgin. His dogs have to have it quiet. And then he has to have a bird to talk to because nobody else will because he's so pitiful. I just think he can't have a bird. One of my favorite people on the planet, Linda, has a bird and I love you. But typically birds are, yeah, especially a single person with a bird. That's fishy. All right, here we go. The title of this one is Making Me a Pervert. And then like the red frown face emoji. And this is Caplock.

This was posted during COVID. Hey, I am sick and tired of individuals not having curtains or blinds up on their windows. During this corona, parenthesis, COVID-19 pandemic, the only thing that brings me joy are my evening strolls through the neighborhood. But I have noticed many of you not having blinds or curtains forcing me to peep into your homes like a little pervert.

parentheses, which I am not. Please put up curtains or blinds as it is a courtesy to the community. And I'm not wanting to be a pervert. Thank you in advance, heart emoji. And then he puts at the bottom, I have reported this information to the police. Here's the best life. You've self-reported a crime. Many of you not having blinds or curtains forcing me to peep into your home is like a little pervert, which I am not.

Which 1,000% you are. You are. Because you went on the internet. You got busted being a little peeping Tom. Got totally busted. Then he drags the global pandemic into it.

And then he victim shames the fucking person who he saw naked for not having curtains. Right. Yeah. And I guess this guy's just, you know, he wants to be an interior decorator pervert, making everybody get curtains. I just can't imagine the thought process that you go through that like someone not lifting their blinds is about me. It's me.

And he also, not only did he own himself in this neighborhood app, he also made mention in his post that he has reported himself to the police. That he's probably sitting in jail. He clearly was looking in a window, beaten off. One million percent. Got busted. Zero doubt about it. Went home and tried to make an alibi. Yeah.

Because the first thing you notice, you know, if someone says they're not something, then you're immediately like, they are. Yes. Like, I'm not a pervert. Okay, pervert. Immediately. Immediately, you know, they're a pervert. Okay, this old guy, Leroy, posts the subject, upset with my neighbor's Wi-Fi name. Hi, all. Now we all use devices to connect to the internet and whatnot, and my grandkids come over to use their phones and iPads too.

Well, the other day my grandson went to connect to the Wi-Fi and our neighbor's router name is All Cops Are Buttholes. Ha ha ha.

Now, my wife and I are very upset because he started crying and we had to explain to him that indeed all cops are not buttholes, etc. And it's just generally a rude thing to broadcast. Is there any way I could possibly block this signal or possibly call the non-emergency police and have them go over and give them a stern warning? I bet they wouldn't like to hear about networks called all cops are buttholes. Any ideas, guys?

My idea for you is to shut the fuck up. My idea for you is to tell your grandson to quit being such a pussy. Right. I mean, that's, that's, it starts there. The whole thing about he wants the cops to go talk to the neighbors about their wifi net. Right. And it's like, this is too much. Yes. And the moral of the story is you have to start telling your grandson, listen,

There's a lot of shit that goes on in the world. People name their Wi-Fi all sorts of crazy names, and it's meant to be a joke. And this is what we believe, but that person believes that, and that's okay. Dry up your eyes. This is not a reason to fucking cry. Right. I can't even believe a kid would give a shit, really. I think this guy, I mean, well, I mean, if this guy's this upset about it, and the grandson shares the same kind of DNA, you've got generational pussyism. Right.

I mean, you do. You've got, I mean, the granddad's a pussy. The son's a pussy who's crying over the wifi name. All cops are buttholes. I just don't, that's not even a cuss word. If I was the cop, I'd show up and I'd say, you need to grow up and you need to tell your grandson to grow up. Or I'm a beat your ass. And then I'll show you that cops are buttholes.

All right, Kylie, what you got? Okay, this person said, hi, neighbors. At some point yesterday, a person or persons who does not live in my building removed my uncarved pumpkin from my stoop, carved it, and replaced it with candles and all. They carved the word penis into the side of it.

That's I mean, that's an absolute profile and courage. I'll tell you what right now. It is not easy to carve a pumpkin. It's work. So if somebody took my pumpkin carved even a penis, I would be proud of it. I mean, it's it's impressive. Right. Because it's like that's hard. And I think I really commend the poster of that to share that with the neighborhood. Yeah. I mean, it's really it's art in motion. Yeah, I have I I'm with the stealer. I'm with the carver. Yeah, I am, too.

Okay, here's one. This is posted on the Nextdoor app. And the subject is, we as pediatrician have the right of way. Good evening, all. I have attached photos below of something I believe very few people on James Island know what it is. It's called a crosswalk. I repeat, a crosswalk.

When a pediatrician, also known as any human being, steps out on it, you yield to them. Oh, no. If you don't know what yielding means, it's stop. When you're driving and see a pediatrician approaching a crosswalk, you are to slow down and stop.

You don't keep driving and you don't speed up. We, as pediatrician, have the right of way. I think it's mind blowing that people yield for geese and ducks, but don't stop for people. Slow the fuck down and pay attention. It's sad that I even have to post this. Oh my gosh.

For the permanent record, the poster meant to say pedestrian. Yeah, I got that. You know what probably happened? She was trying to spell pedestrian and it auto-corrected to pediatrician.

And she was like, yeah, that looks right. Just went with it over and over. Oh, like I'm so embarrassed for her. We as pediatrician. One, not two. Even pedestrians would have had an S. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's again, if I've said it once, I'll just have to keep saying it until the conclusion of this podcast, not just this episode, but the entire series.

The ability for people to walk onto the World Wide Web and publicly humiliate themselves is breathtaking. There's boundless opportunities. It's infinite. And that shit is permanent record city. It is. Where's my fucking buzzer? It is. We need a permanent record city. Okay, here we have another one. The title of this one is Found Orange Male Cat Huge Balls.

Anyone missing this boy? He's been hanging out at our house on Mulberry. Very loud talker, clean, largest set of testicles I've ever seen on a cat. There's a picture of the cat with his large testicles. They are impressive cat testicles. I'm telling you, that cat has a pair of balls on him, I'll tell you. The balls on that pussy. All right, Kylie, what you got? Joshua posted, please stop cooking.

You know, I think this is a really reasonable request. I think he needs to go fuck off.

Like, go fuck yourself. Can you imagine that somebody, it's like the person that was complaining about the child playing in their very own backyard. It's the exact same thing. This person's complaining about this person cooking in their house. The other lady was complaining about somebody parking their very own car in their garage. And all these people are cracking the case on all this shit. Right. I mean, it's unbelievable. This shit is a goldmine. Yeah. No, I mean, that's bad.

I mean, and then offer me a carrot stick. Shove it up your ass. Okay. Sharon posts, the subject is cursing at my dog. Whoever just told my dog to shut the fuck up needs to come over to my house and speak to me or my husband directly. Okay.

Sharon's not having it. Only Sharon tells her dog to shut the fuck up. You don't tell Sharon's dog to shut the fuck up. You know, what strikes me in this situation is why didn't she think, oh, I bet my dog's being obnoxious. I need to rein the dog in. But no, she wants to start a fistfight with the neighbor. It's really no different than a power mom.

Sharon doesn't want anybody telling her dog to shut the fuck up. She'll tell her dog to shut the fuck up. And she wants the person that told her dog to shut the fuck up to come over and tell it to her directly. Don't talk to my dog. Come and talk to me or my husband directly. All right, Kylie, what else do we have? This person posted, do gophers eat marijuana plants? Just trying to figure something out. Very subtle.

Okay, and here's our last one of the day. Suspicious guy in neighborhood promoting, in quotes, voting. All right. Listen up. What's everybody's takeaway of this? This is our first time to dive into this next door shit. This shit's hilarious. It's so funny. I cannot believe the shit people put on there.

It's unbelievable. I mean, like, I'm mad. My suspicious neighbor parks in the garage and shuts the door. At 5.30 p.m. Mm-hmm. And she's made a report of it. Well, she has reported it. She fucking wrote that shit down in the permanent record. Neighbor pulls in garage at 5.30, closes door. The highlight's got to be the circumcision or lack thereof. I mean, you know, I think this person is just trying to tell a full story here.

Like that she's a nut. Well, she succeeded. Like, you know, I didn't know that drinking affected, you know, a circumcised or uncircumcised penis. She threw that detail in. Maybe she knows something we don't know. Maybe she thinks if at 12 you're drinking wine with your parents, your uncircumcised penis will circumcise itself.

Maybe. I'll tell you what, this Nextdoor app is, I mean, I had signed up for it at one point because this girlfriend of mine, Julie, she lost her dog. She comes over to my house. She's like, can't find my dog. And so, so she, she says, put it up, get on Nextdoor app and put it on. So I signed up for Nextdoor app and I put her dog on. And then we're driving around the neighborhood looking everywhere for her dog. Her dog's name's Hazel.

And so I'm reading the updates to her and she's panicked. She knows her daughter is going to freak out. So we're reading the updates. And then finally, somebody wrote, oh, my God, I saw a dog that looks exactly like that walk into the United Methodist Church. So I'm like, Julie, somebody says that they saw a dog that looks just like this walk in to the United Methodist Church.

So we go to the United Methodist Church. They're like, oh, yeah, that dog did come in here and our pastor took the dog home. Here's the number. So she ends up calling the pastor and he had the dog and she got the dog back later that night. But somebody reported an eyewitness saw the dog going to repent for its sins at the church and she got the dog back. Dare I say he was...

repenting for his owner's sin. Possibly. Possibly. Sorry, Jules, but you know, that is a very high probability. I will tell you, I did try to get on the Nextdoor app because everybody said, oh, you know, when you move into the neighborhood, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, then you have to put your name. And I was like, no, I want to spy on other people in the neighborhood. I don't want them to know my name. So then I deleted it off my phone. And that's that.

Well, great. Okay. Well, listener, we want, we cannot thank you enough for joining us for all of those wonderful posts and here's how we feel about them.

But I'm here for it. I'm here for all that shit because that's the kind of shit that we need to know about. Right. That's the kind of shit that I like say, oh, I've had it with that, but I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of people on the internet fucking showing everybody how dumb they are or paranoid. I can't get over. I can't get enough of cat balls.

and drunk 12-year-olds that aren't circumcised. What about, you forgot about the corgi rental. The corgi rental. It's just too much. All right, listener, we will see you next Tuesday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Make sure you subscribe yourself to the Bitch Bible podcast right now. You're going to effing love it.

Vitamin water is from New York. We needed a drink that can keep up with the music scene in the city. We got to see our favorite DJ perform in Brooklyn at 3 a.m. or sing karaoke in the village also at 3 a.m. Drink vitamin water. It's from New York.

For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.