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Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps and
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Today is my day. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. And Kylie's here and Richard is here. And Poms, tell us what you've had it with. What I've had it with, and I mean I've had it, the racket of senior from high school graduation. All the bullshit, not just all the get togethers and production, but the whole production of
The senior pictures, buying a cap and gown, which I want to go on record. Why are we having to buy a cap and gown every year? Why don't they just rent them to us and we'll return them? Because you wear them exactly two hours, one time. Then there's the senior picture, which it's been like pulling teeth. Thank God I have Josh for looks. But I mean, Emily's was, I literally was going to
Honestly wanted to throw myself off the top of the Devon Tower. I was just like, we had to take the pictures. Then we had to go look at the pictures on a slideshow. Then we had to get pictures for a book. And I'm like, nobody gives a flying fuck about these pictures on June 1st of the year after you graduate. So I think what we need to let the listener in on is your youngest son, Luke. My youngest baby is graduating from high school. So I'm asking. No, he's starting his senior year. Yes. So he's technically graduating in May.
Yes. So this is the beginning of his senior year. Yes. And the graduation is a full school year away. Right. So you've already started all the senior racket stuff. Hence, you've had it with it because he hasn't even had his first day of school yet. He's not had his first day of school. Right.
I've already had two senior meetings. The senior meetings, are this parents are at this meeting? Yes, parents. What did they discuss? Well, that's where you have to buy your cap and gown. So before they're even done with junior year, you have to buy your... Here's what I want to ask. Why...
Are they not having the kids go to these meetings? Because your son is 18 years old, correct? Today. He's 18 years old, but you're going to the meeting. Yes. And then we wonder why this generation can't do anything, has anxiety. And it's because you have the parents up at the school. And for the record, the kids don't want their parents up there.
Oh, if I would have told Luke he had to go to the senior meeting, he wouldn't have gone.
But there's 27 dates you have to put on your calendar for different deadlines and horseshit that you have to do. Like submit pictures for the program for the football team. Submit program for the basketball team. I mean, just on and on and on and on. The picture for their banner. I mean, you just wouldn't even believe the racket that is going on. Well, I have a son that's graduated from high school two years ago.
And I remember that there was, you know, this kind of stuff. But typically, if there's a parent meeting, I email the person that's hosting the meeting and ask for an email summary of the meeting. And then I don't go to the meeting. No, we got that too. Yeah, I won't. I won't go to those meetings because I think it's like pointless, a waste of time.
Time of my life that I'm never getting back. It is a parade of stupid questions that are typically answered.
in the email that goes out prior during the person who's hosting the meeting during their speech. And then you have these follow-up questions. And also I think it's enabling children that to stay children instead of helping them turn into adults, which is this is your senior year. Take the bull by the horn and go. But here's the thing. I've told my kids for a long time, forge my name on everything that comes home from school. I don't want to see it. I don't care. I don't care.
Forge my name. And so what if it's what if it's like an F on a grade you forge? I have access to the grade book. If he makes an F, I'm going to know before they send a note. And here's the deal. I mean, I'm sure he would just sorry, mom and be something cute and sweet and I'd let it ride. But no, he I don't have to worry about his grades. Do you go to these parent meetings? I go to the first one so I can get all the dates. So I went to the one in May. Can they not email the dates?
No, that's the thing. They email you everything they're going to say verbatim, word for word for word. Then why do you go to the meeting? Because they give you a handout at the meeting that gives you all the pertinent dates. Why don't you just ask for them to email you the attachment? Because they don't, they don't do, it's a, it's a suck you in because you have to pay like, you have to buy your cap and gown. You have to pay for the senior trip. And there's like 10 things that they want your money for. This goes all through me too.
We have a senior fee, an additional senior fee. So one of my girlfriends called and was like, what is the senior fee?
The lady talked down to her and was like, well, were you not at the meeting? And I was like, I wanted to call that woman back and just fucking chew her ass and dare her to say it again. But I didn't because I thought I've got one year. That's all I've got to do. I just have to keep my mouth shut for one year. That's it. Yeah. 10 months. Right. So. So by all means, let's get on the podcast and talk about it. Well, I don't give a shit. Yeah.
I mean, what are they going to say? Yeah, no, it is. And they do do that type of, well, did you not get the email? Right. And I'm like, go fuck yourself. I asked you a question. You work there. Answer my fucking question. That's what I should have said. I mean, when she called and told me that they talked down to her, I was just like,
I'm dying to, but I just thought cooler heads prevail. I will say this though. I have empathy for school administrators and teachers because they are getting like they're in the trenches right now taking grenades. Like you have politicians who are actively trying to stomp out teachers unions and these people don't make much money. Right. They deal with lunatic parents. Lunatics. And I think the children are probably easier to deal with.
than the parents. A hundred percent. The only time they're not is when if you discipline the child, then the parents come up there and say, well, my little Johnny would never do that. That can't be my little Johnny. And so that's when the kid is as big of an asshole as the parents. I'm boycotting parent meetings. I'm boycotting the group me. If I've done this before too, when there's been a parent meeting, I say, well, so you'll need to get the handout. And I say, well, please print it and send it home with my child. I work. Yeah.
Oh, no, they're able to do all the money. Everything else is during the day. But when they need you to bring money, it's at night, of course. I also think you have to go to the flip side of the coin, that there's 50% of the population in that school that those mothers and dads cannot wait to get up there and grandstand. I mean, it's like they are so excited that there's a parent meeting. Like their dicks are hard on the way. I mean, I'm serious. There are those moms, power moms, power dads. No, it's true. I mean, they're just like, oh, my God, there's a parent meeting. Ah!
So excited. It's so true. I mean, there's a lot of people that just revel in that. Worst part about having kids? Other parents. Other parents. Agree. All right, listener. A lot of you are aware that on Twitter, we fell in love with a parody account, Yolanda Pfister. And we covered this a couple of episodes back. And it was a tweet that Yolanda tweeted of Pumps and I sitting in the back of a car and
And he did a parody post like, these two ladies are so great. I'm a single mom Uber driver. And they tipped me $2,500 each so I could feed my children. It goes viral on Twitter. We cover it.
Some blogger thought it was real and thought that we did it as a publicity stunt. And we have never personally met Yolanda Pfister, who was revealed to me as being a 26-year-old gay man from Scotland. Which I love. And I think it's fun to find people on the World Wide Web that are funny and get it, much like Brittany Monique, the dog mom. Lover. Lover. I mean, great example of how to be a good pet owner right there.
And then a great example of how to troll the internet and win. That's what I'm saying. Like he should give like a trolling seminar, an internet trolling seminar. Is Yolanda Pfister, who is joining us.
from Scotland. And it's going to do some dramatic readings for us on I've Had It. Let's welcome the meme queen Yolanda Pfister to I've Had It. Ti piace il mio podcast? Si. Listener, listen to this. I'm asking Pumps in Italian if she likes the podcast. Attenzione. Ti piace il mio podcast? Si. Mamma mia.
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Thank you so, so much for having me. You guys have no idea how obsessed I am with your podcast, so it's truly an honour to be here. Thank you.
Oh, and I love that accent. I mean, you could talk for seven hours and I would be all in. Well, full disclosure, Pumps sometimes struggles with people that speak English in a different accent. Like she can't watch Game of Thrones because she doesn't understand what they're saying. I don't. I will volunteer to be a translator should there be an issue during this episode. Just the other day I asked you, it's like this guy's accent. I was like, is he Australian accent?
Do they? No, I don't think so, folks.
I appreciate the effort. Okay, so we have a surprise for you today. Oh, God, what does it mean, tweets? Okay, yes. So what happened is, so listener, just so you know, I'm on Twitter. I've had it as on Twitter, and as everybody knows, Yolanda Pfister is undefeated on
on Twitter. Pumps has a burner account which she uses exclusively to stalk potential Donald Trump getting indicted, arrested because she's obsessed with it. That's all she does on Twitter. She goes on Twitter, what the fuck is Trump up to? And then she logs out.
So after Yolanda Pfister's tweet went viral and it was, and she trolled the fuck out of everybody on the worldwide web, Kylie posted a tweet in the inspired by Yolanda Pfister because per the parody account, Yolanda Pfister, we helped feed her children, cat yarn rotisserie. Right. So Kylie sends out a tweet. Please tell us how I've had it. Podcast has either saved slash enhanced your life.
And we got a ton of submissions, listener. And so here to do dramatic readings of all of the life enhancement and life-saving measures that Pumps and I have provided to the globe is Yolanda Pfister, undefeated. So firstly, I have to start off with a tweet from Twitter user at Floperella.
Now that's a service. Now it's fantastic!
That was the one that I had to bookmark and say first because it was just chef's kiss. A total chef's kiss. I love that. And I mean, I love this is when the Internet is at its best. Right. I love this. OK, who's next, Yolanda?
So next we have a tweet from Twitter user Lara underscore Del underscore gay who says both women single-handedly saved me during an armed hostage situation in 2013 while shouting gay rights. Ally behavior at its finest. That's perfect.
I totally remember that. I do too. The hostage situation. We went in. Took over. We took out the homophobes. Yes. We had on rainbow flags. Yes. You were in drag. Absolutely. I can also confirm I was outside watching. So next we have a tweet from Twitter user Jan Dalf the Gay.
Once, while stranded in the bog, Pumps arose from the mire, glove first, and handed me her ciggy. Here you go, she said, and in the distance, under a full sturgeon moon, Jennifer cackled. LAUGHTER
That's a novelist. I think that's a novelist right there. These people are like really creative, really smart. I mean, that's what I like about what your tweet did is it brought out like really smart people that got that type of irreverent humor. And when you were responding back to people, are you laughing? Like when you respond, when they say, you know, what do you feed him caviar? And you respond not every day, or are you just totally in character, like delivering it?
At the time, when replying, I'm like, totally serious. You cannot tell me that feeding caviar to your children isn't a normal thing. But reading back, I was like, I think the next morning after the tweet blew up, I woke up and I just sat and read all the replies. I think I was late to work because I sat in bed laughing so hard at everyone falling for it. And not only that, people were having arguments amongst themselves in the comments. Some defended me, some against me, and it was all fake. LAUGHTER
Well, Jennifer sent me a screenshot of it. And I was like, well, that didn't happen. Like, I didn't get it. I didn't notice that Fister. I mean, I think even I would have picked up on that.
But I mean, she was like, it's satire. And I was like, okay, yeah, now I get it. When I see it and I start reading stuff like that, because I love that kind of humor and you just how you stayed in character and just like, don't judge us. We're big bone by genetics. That's great. It was so I mean, and I'm like, I'm listening to it. And I'm not listening to it. I'm reading it and I am crying a
laughing and Kylie and I are reading them to each other. And sometimes we keep stuff from pumps so that it will like be funnier on the podcast because her belly laugh is so good when she hears stuff the first time. It's just perfect.
It is perfect. Okay, who's next? It's so soothing. Your laugh, it soothes me every single day. That makes me feel happy. So the next tweet is from Twitter user M Rose Am, and that's Am with A double M. He said, they paid off my student loans and established a scholarship fund in my name. That's so generous of you.
That's a charitable queens that this podcast produces. Totally. We're so philanthropic, particularly pumps. She has an incredibly big bleeding heart. And I know oftentimes you're out feeding people in your spare time. Yeah. No, I'm the worst philanthropic person probably. I know. That's why. I know, but I'm just saying so everybody knows that's not true. We were giving you an out there, pumps. We could have said you were the next Mother Teresa. Yeah.
And in my eyes, you still are. Oh, yeah. I'm always telling people like, I don't have time to save the world. I got shit to do. Not today. The next tweet comes from Twitter user at EZ1985. Jennifer taught me not to wear a headband and to always check for camel toe. Humps taught me it's all right to take a hooker bath at the dinner table. The sagging dragons were out. See, these are great life skills. These are.
Life skills. Don't wear a headband when you're going to be in a room with three cameras on you and then it's going to be projected onto the world wide web. I know that was so bad. Number two, you've got to be vigilant in camel toe prevention. Yeah. I'm just bad about it. And then you could teach a master class on how to give yourself a titty scrub hooker bath.
Yeah, at dinner. No, I'm great at a whore bath. I mean, I can rack that thing out so fast your head would spin off. A little dry shampoo, I mean, locked and loaded. It's almost like you're a whore. I wish. You're so good at it, though. So the next tweet is from Twitter user HotPJones.
I listened to I've Had It and my acne cleared up overnight. My credit score increased by 110 points. My cholesterol went down by 20. Namaste. I'm telling you, this is funny. It's hilarious. I mean, and what I think is so great is
Is that you attracted like you attract these kind of people with this irreverent humor. And so I have had people that are friends of mine that live in the United States when we revealed that Yolanda Pfister is actually run by a 26 year old gay man from Scotland. I had friends of mine that live in New York, like, you know, bingo sparkles.
he Instagram messages me like, oh my God, I love that account. I followed him forever. They're hilarious. So you have had quite a following, a Twitter following, kind of doing this bit for a while, correct? I mean, yes, I would say so. But it's always such a shock to me, like,
Whenever I post a video and it does go this viral, I do see certain people commenting that I had no idea had like even followed me before and liked my content. But they comment saying, I love everything you post. And I'm like, what? You know who I am? I watch you on TV and you know who I am just from a meme. It does blow my mind. So I'm always surprised by the amount of people that can actually read the crazy stuff that I write on the Internet.
Yeah, it's crazy. Well, Kylie was like, yeah, I followed her forever. Yes. That warmed my heart so much. To think that I have that in with the I've Had It podcast. Kylie, thank you so much for that. Yes. I think you're one of the first accounts that I've had it really followed back. I did notice that. I took note of that. I wore that as a badge of honor for a very long time. Yeah.
So yeah, Kylie runs all the socials and she has a really dark sense of humor like all of us do. And so like when stuff like that goes viral, I mean, she'll be like, Jen, get up here. And we just howl. It's so hysterical and it's so good. Okay. What's our next life-saving story to I've Had It podcast? So I have another, I found a comment actually. It's like kind of a hate comment, but it made me laugh so much. Okay. Love a good hate comment.
So it was on the TikTok. You guys were talking about flags like on cars and how they compensate for smaller things. Someone called Phineas said, what's wrong with being proud of your country? I'm an immigrant and I'm proud. It's always the southern biatches that are dumb and stupid. Like just right out of the gate.
And then the next one is from SC1980ArmyVet. My husband has a flag and a big aubergine emoji too. Maybe you should try it. Tell her I'd love to. Listen, if she's offering her husband, then I'll try it too. Right. Yeah. Like, I mean, if it's that big, let's see it. The big flag community, it's very, I'm sure for you being from Scotland, do people in Scotland drive around with the flag on their cars? Yes.
Not so much. There was a large independence movement in Scotland in 2014, so you still see remnants of that, but nothing compared to the stuff you see, like the trucker convoys with...
crazy crazy flags on them just really nothing like that in Scotland but I'm sure it must be so hard when especially I heard you talking about living in Oklahoma and how you're basically like in the trenches yeah and so like I salute you for the service that you do because coming from Scotland like we have our problems but sometimes I look over at America and I'm like are you guys okay
We look at each other sometimes. We're like, oh, my God, what's going on here? But the big flag community and the, like, you have to be patriotic at all costs. It's like they don't – they can't think in nuances. They can't say –
America is great, but we really need to do something about getting people health care. That should be a moral thing to provide health care to poor people with cancer. And so they deem that criticism as somehow being unpatriotic. And so there's a group of Americans with very black and white thinking and they brag about it. They go, I'm a black and white thinker. As though that's like, OK, well, you go fucking get them, Johnny. You fucking black and white that shit, you know?
I'm just walking down the street saying I am ignorant and I am so proud of it. How about the guy that posted the dumb and stupid? I'm still back there. I mean, they're dumb and stupid. Dumb and stupid. Like back to back. So what are the good Scottish like insults? Probably, yeah, wee ball bag. Would you like me to explain what that means? A wee ball bag? Yeah. Okay, what is that? Basically, it's just calling someone like,
a small set of testicles. It's very effective and deployed in the right way. Or just like, I don't know how lewd I can be on the podcast, but Scottish. Very, you want...
The Scottish insult that's really most used as cunt. Yes. Like, see you next Tuesday. Yes. Front and central. And not in the good way. In the bad way. Right. And you can call a man or a woman a cunt. Correct? Really. And also in Scotland, I will reiterate, actually, you can be a good cunt or a bad cunt. A good cunt is a term of endearment. A bad cunt is you don't want to go near that person. Right.
What about wanker? It's probably more English, but you get some... Listen, I have been called a wanker on the bus many of times just by some random drunk man, so I will say it is very much used here, but they do tend to go with the more colloquialisms like, or, which means, So, yeah. We're very creative like that, you know? You know...
I was in Italy recently and the Italians, when they're like, when they're these little sidewalks and they have these little luggage carts that came through and the guy goes, attention. And it's like attention, but it's attention. And then like, if something goes wrong and they look at you and they go, Oh, mama mia. And I thought, you know,
We need to spice up American English. Right. You know, I don't know if it's maybe just that it's boring to me because I speak it all the time. But I think it might just be you because I am so like whenever you when I tune into the podcast and I hear you to speak, I am just like I could I listen to it when I'm in bed and like slowly falling asleep because your voice is soothe me so much. Although it's really hard to fall asleep when you're laughing your head off every two seconds. So but yeah, I totally think it may just be like
Because I personally think that Scottish is just like, when I speak, even when I'm speaking right now on Zoom, I'm kind of trying to use my telephone voice so that it cleans up a little bit. Right. No, I love it. Okay, let me ask you this. I feel like that Americans cuss more than the English and Scottish maybe. Is that right or no? No. No.
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You know, that's hard. It's hard because there is like really, really posh people in, especially in England. I think the further north you get, people get a lot more loose with their tongue, like they will just start cursing at anyone. And by the way, sometimes like in Britain or in Scotland, especially as I says, like an insult is never, is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a good thing.
It's just a fine line there. Right. That's the way we perceive hate comments. Right. Like we, you know, a lot of people would be like, you know, in the fetal position, like, oh my God, you know, this person's calling me out on the internet and we just get the biggest kick out of it. Cause I think it's just so hilarious. Number one, that people react differently.
so much to the two of us in our podcast. And number two, that they're so mad about it, you know, to go get their thumbs out and start working them and post it on the internet. Like there's so much more productive things that you can be doing with your fingers than writing a hate comment. But listen, I'll gladly read them. And you know, that was one of my worries when I wrote the Uber driver tweet. I was like, I hope Jen and Pumps don't think I'm trying to like
Get them involved in some Uber scandal. And then when that article came out, I was like, oh, God, no. But thankfully, you guys knew to take it as like the trash that it was. No, immediately. Like, you know, we don't take ourselves very seriously. And we don't take our podcast super seriously. You know, this is entertainment. This is for fun. We've been friends forever. It's interesting to meet people like you. It's hilarious what goes on on the Internet. And the minute I saw that, I was like...
I know I'm going to love this person. Right. Immediately. But so I DM'd you, please tell me the demo on you because I'm going to talk about this. And when you typed, I'm a six, I'm a 26 year old gay man from Scotland. I died. I died.
It was perfect. And by the way, the way you weave that story together and build that up, that was some of the most perfect comedic timing I have ever witnessed. And to end it on the punchline of I'm a 26-year-old gay man from Scotland, just...
Yes, yes. Everything's so, so good. It's just, I mean, it's such a good troll. I mean, it's so good that people got mad at you and thought that you were buying a rotisserie chicken for your kids each and they invested time in it. And you took that time with care and defended the purchase of everything.
each rotisserie chicken with pride. You defended the genetics of your imaginary children with pride and I appreciated that.
so much of it. But then when the blogger like bought into it, this is a guy that like writes for a living or a hobby and he buys into it. I was like, Oh no, this is too good. I can't, can't step away from this. This is too good that he actually thinks that like we staged this whole thing with you, which, Hey, listen, we'll collude with you anytime. Yeah.
And the tweet was so open to that. And the tweet was so hilarious. I'd love to take credit for it. But I mean, that was all you. And it was I loved reading after you did like the synopsis. And I actually pinned it to the top of my personal Twitter page.
I love seeing all the people that are like, I followed you forever and I loved it. This was so great. I love seeing that you got so much out of that because the internet can be so toxic and people take it way too seriously. And your cheeky approach and just that irreverent humor, it to me is like when the internet is at its best. And a lot of people were happy. Like I noticed a lot of replies saying, thank God you finally called out that blog. So I think we've done a lot of people proud with that one. Yeah.
Well, Yolanda, I cannot tell you how much joy this entire saga has brought to Pumps and
And to me and to Kylie and to our listeners and to your followers. I mean, it was just a day that the internet won. And we cannot thank you enough for coming on and reading tweets to us and mean comments. Please keep saving mean comments that you see and we'll have you back on for dramatic readings because...
We are total suckers for an accent. That's right. I mean, anything for an accent. Love it. And you did really a good job understanding him. There was a couple things, but I picked up on the context clues. Yeah. Hey, you might be ready for Game of Thrones. I might be. Listen, the fact that you could understand me at all is a blessing, so thank you.
Well, listener, please for, I mean, just hysterical humor and to follow the most undefeated account on the World Wide Web, follow our friend at Yolanda Pfister on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, all of the socials. She's out there serving, I mean, serving the troll cold and I cannot get enough.
of it yolanda thank you so much for coming on much thank you for having me you guys just the amount of love you have shown to that tweet and just the way you have embraced it and had me on the podcast just thank you so much so grateful love you both so much and keep doing the amazing work that you're doing oh we love you we'll see you again soon bye
I love him. I love him. He is so precious. I mean, he could come live at my house and I'd be so happy. He is hilarious. Smart. Smart. I liked the fact that when he's responding, he's in full-blown character. He's like, I'm in. Like, why is it your business what I feed my children? Yeah.
And he stays in full-blown character while he does it. And that's why the humor is so good. Right. Because he is like a master satirist. Yeah, he is. I mean, that's what's so cool about the internet is you can find people that are so good at something, that are honing their skills. And then having a platform like a podcast, like the Brittany Monique, the creme de la creme of all dog moms, love that woman. She can come on and tell us
Yolanda Pfister, who is undefeated on the World Wide Web. I mean, that joke was the very best of Twitter 2023, no doubt.
Kylie, what did you think about all that? I love him. I know. I actually want to read you one more. Okay, do it. Of the times that you saved somebody's life. Okay. They wrote, Love that.
See, she appreciates my Walmart, Karen. I know. I think a lot of people do. I think some do, some don't. It's a 50-50 split, which is about right. Some do, some don't. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that, you know, if you go to Walmart, that's just entirely up to you. I don't want to go to Walmart. I think there's a lot of fuckery going on at Walmart. Kylie, any more? Yeah, I've got another one from at easy 1985.com.
Jennifer and pumps helped smuggle me across the state line out of Florida to escape the DeSantis dickery and yak mouth nut jobs. I love that. I would rescue her from Florida. She would. I would. Pumps would put you right in the cleavage of those sagging dragons and just truck you right along the border. You'd be lost forever.
Any more, Kylie? I was on the verge of death when I faintly heard pumps clapping and laughing and Ms. Welch quietly whispering words like pickleball and for the...
Suddenly, I was cured, healed, and I ran a decathlon. I'm telling you, the work that's going on here. Everyone needs to know it's really hard to find time to film the podcast because you guys are out there saving the world. It's true. It's true. It's a miracle that we can even fit this in. It really is. Because I mean, we're smuggling people out of Florida, saving lives, setting up college funds. What are you guys doing right after this?
I'm going to go to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to dogs that are drowning in the lake because their owners are drunk, actually. Pump's going with me. We're going to actually work on her affection towards dogs. I'm going to have her do the pumping and I'll do the mouth-to-mouth. Right. And I'm a better swimmer than you, so that would be fine.
I'm a lifeguard. You are a lifeguard. I am a lifeguard. You are a lifeguard. So yeah, you'll get the dog out. I'll do the mouth to mouth. Yeah. Yeah. I probably am out on the mouth to mouth. I mean, most people I wouldn't do mouth to mouth on. But I thought you were a humanitarian. Well, I saved the planet, but that doesn't mean I want to mouth to mouth somebody. When's the last time you French kissed somebody? Two weeks ago. Bullshit. You don't know.
If you French kiss somebody. You're in Italy. You don't know what I do. If you French kiss somebody two weeks ago and you didn't fucking tell me, I swear to God, I will take my Land Rover and drive it to the front door of your house. Screaming, laying on the horn like a fucking crazed, unhinged maniac. It was on the DL. Bullshit. You're a liar. No, I told Kylie. You're lying. No, I'm not. Kylie, am I lying?
No. You French kissed somebody two weeks ago. You had sex with somebody two weeks ago? Goodbye. What? Stop it right now. I'm so hot. Oh my, what? I'm a hoe, remember? I'm a hoe. Why are you telling me this on the podcast? Because it just popped out. I didn't expect you to ask that. Yet also saying, shh, shh, shh. Listener, this is a huge breakthrough.
I'm not cutting this. No. You have to cut. No. Who did you French kiss two weeks ago? Anonymous. Okay. You French kissed anonymous two weeks ago. Was it a date or a hookup? A date.
You went on a date while I was in Italy? You were in Italy for like almost three weeks. I've been home for a while. A week. I am driving my car through the front of your house like a fucking crazy person. And I'm going to strip down naked and then like take paint and paint it all over me. And like make my hair crazy and get like a blow horn and like symbols. And I'm going to act like a fucking crazy maniac. I cannot believe you've kept this from me. You made out with people? With a person? Just one person.
Okay, do we have to talk about this right now? You're the one I think you were going to come at me with. Have you French kissed anyone? Well, this is... Now we're talking about sex. This is devolved. Okay, listen. Listen up, listener. I'm going to get this out of her. Everybody's fucking locked in now, Pumps. Okay, we were about to wrap the episode and this is going to end up being the fucking best episode ever. Yolanda Pfister plus Pumps gets laid.
All right. You've already roped the listener in. There's no fucking way because one of your habits is, is when people drip out information and you're not doing that to our listeners and you're not doing that to our brand. So the interrogation will begin right now. You're the one that dripped it. You can't take it back. You can't take the drip back. I'm kidding.
You fucking bitch. I want that fit on a real forever and ever. Are you just trying to get out of this? No. Like I wouldn't have texted you in Italy. So all of that was for fucking nothing? You went so crazy I couldn't let it go. I'm still driving the car through the house. Just for shit. Just to fucking be a homicidal maniac.
Listener, I'm so sorry. This is what happens when you get older. That was pretty good though, Pumps. See, I'm a terrible pranker. I want you to have a relationship.
It's not a relationship. I want you to get laid. I would like for me to get laid too. So if you know anyone. Okay. I think there's a lot of listeners that are interested, both male and female. Let me have them all. Let's see all offers. Okay. So, hey, that was just not, I'm sorry, listener, that all of that went down. That was a fucking. I cannot wait to see that video. Anti-climactic. They got blue balls. Literally. Literally.
Literally anticlimactic. But I am proud of you for the prank. You did a good job. I did a good job. You stayed in character. I was 50-50 on Kylie if she was going to go with me. I mean, I was like holding my breath. Am I busted or am I not busted? I still don't know if I believe it's a joke fully. Oh, God. I swear. I think it is. I think she would have told me.
That's why my reaction was that I was going to drive my car through her house because it would be such a deviation from our friendship history for her to have not told me. That's why the car was going through the house. I thought the symbols were a nice touch. Totally. There's only like a couple people that could make me that crazy. Yeah.
You know, you were you were you like crazy love people and you're fine with like putting your crazy flag out there and just I fucking love this person and I am crazy for them. And it's it's Josh and pumps and I will be like just a fucking crazy person. And you me, right? Of course. Yeah, it's crazy love. It's not normal. Okay.
I want to thank you, Alonda Pfister. Lover. For joining us all the way from Scotland. Our first international guest, I think. Is it? Kylie, is it? We've had listeners that called in, but actual appearance. Yeah. Please find us. The Hot Shit Tour is coming to a town near you. Look it up. Link in our bio. Five stars. Fantastic review. Let us know your favorite documentaries. Let us know if you're a candidate for Pumps.
to get laid with. Five-star review and then resume. Apple.com. Apple Podcast app. And other than that, pop, tell them and we'll see them. I'll see you next Tuesday or Thursday. Bye. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Without the fans, there is none of this. Wednesday, August 9th. I'm so honored to be here. America's biggest super fans meet their superstar idols. Yeah! And compete for a once-in-a-lifetime prize. That is correct!
I'm going to take them through my new records all by song. You can pick a song and we can sing it together on stage. And the title of ultimate super fan. It is up to you, America. Super fan premieres Wednesday, August 9th on CBS and streaming on Paramount Plus. Every day, our world gets a little more connected, but a little further apart. But then there are moments that remind us to be more human.
Thank you for calling Amica Insurance. Hey, I was just in an accident. Don't worry, we'll get you taken care of. At Amica, we understand that looking out for each other isn't new or groundbreaking. It's human. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.