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so are we supposed to start the podcast ready one two three welcome to island hosted by myself i'm jennifer and america's best size queen pumps

Pumps, how are you doing today? I'm great. How are you? The clap was fantastic. Thank you. It was robust. I mean, I hate to take a victory lap, but it was pretty great. I think sometimes we have to pause when it's really good, and I think the listener knows. Yeah. Even though sometimes they say they can't tell, which is just highly disappointing. What have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is, you know, I love...

a political phone call, a political survey. So normally I don't go in blind on my caller ID. If I don't know the number, I don't answer. But of late, because I think it's going to be someone asking me about issues to do with the upcoming election, I'll answer. Here's what drives me crazy is when you get a call and you say hello and they say, please hold for a person who

And you're like, what the fuck? You called me. If you're not ready, go fuck yourself. Why do I have this phone call? It's happened to me twice in the last week. And it's some political survey, but they're only going to give it to you if you wait for the person to come online or to come on the phone. I think you have to earn the hold request. I totally agree. You have to put some time on the call. You have to be vested in conversation.

to even think that you can ask somebody to hold on a second. Like if you and I are on the phone,

If you answer the phone, I go, oh my God, hang on just a second. You just need to go ahead and hang up on me because I wasn't prepared. Right. But if we're knee deep in some session, you know, we've drug out some dead horse that we've decided needs to be beaten again. And we're 15 minutes in and maybe something happens at my house. I've earned the right to say, hey, pumps, can you hold on just a quick second? Roman's walked in the house. Right. Or Josh just walked in.

You don't get to right out of the gates request a hold. You have to earn the hold. You have to earn the hold. And you certainly cannot call somebody and then expect them to hold. No, it's an immediate hang up. It's an immediate hang up. Have you experienced this? So lately I used to see the spam and I wouldn't answer it. Right. And then Josh Welch has been something of an inspiration to me because he started this very aggressive phone answering program.

Like he's been very aggressive. It doesn't matter what it says. If it says spam, if it says, you know, telemarketer, he answers it. Really? Very affirmatively. He is like, hello, it's Joshua. This is him. What are you calling for? And they'll say, we wanted to talk to you about blah, blah, blah. He goes, I do not want any part of this. I want you to remove me from your list.

And they'll say, okay. And then Josh says, promise me that you're going to remove me from this list. Right. And they're like, okay. And he goes, you have to promise me. And so he kind of like fucks with them back. And I've been kind of envious and jealous. So I've started answering because I want to make people, I want to make people promise me that they're going to remove me from the list. But here's what happens. You answer the telemarketer, right? So I answer hello.

And it's like dead silence. Right. So then I say hello again. And then it's dead silence. Then I go in for the third hello. And then it's like, oh, you know, the telemarkers probably like, you know, cutting their toenails or something like, oh, shit, I need to unmute this. Somebody actually answered the phone.

Sometimes if I have to go in for the fourth hello, I'm just hanging up. You have to be ready. So I think what we need to do is we need to be ready to take these phone calls and take the lead of Josh Welch, which I rarely recommend anyone doing. This is a very rare occurrence that I think he's doing something right in life.

But I think he's on to something. Right. You just get super aggressive back to them. Like he's not impolite, but it's like you have to promise me you're going to remove me from this list. What I like is he's turned the table. Flip the script, baby. And you know, they're all sitting there in a room and they sit there and go, oh my gosh, that guy. Yeah. Don't call him. You're promising, making promises. Right. They've got you going. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with...

We all know about my ongoing war with spam mail that I didn't sign up for. Right. Email. But here's a nuance to that that I find particularly annoying. So every morning when I get to the office with enthusiasm, I sit down at my email box and I'm ready to respond to emails and to unsubscribe. That's like it makes me feel like I've accomplished something right at the top of the day. Getting that email box down to zero notifications, right?

So I click, you know, respond to a couple of work emails and then I get to the solicitations that I didn't sign up for. And I go to the bottom to the fine print and I click unsubscribe. And then unsubscribe screen pops up and usually you just click opt out. Well, lately they've been asking me for my email address. What? I'm like, you know my email address because you emailed me.

And so it's just an extra layer of annoyance. And it also makes me wonder, I never gave you my email address in the first place, yet you emailed me despite my not signing up for this. And now you're asking me for my email address in order for me to unsubscribe. And this is an area of the wild, wild west internet that is just not regulated enough

At all. A lot of people are against regulations. I'm for regulations. Absolutely. The unsubscribe should be easier. I feel like they're making it harder and harder on the unsubscribe. Why would you have to give your email address? It makes me feel like you hit unsubscribe, but then they're re-upping you with the email address. Doesn't it you? You know my email address. You emailed me. That's why we're here. That's why I'm on this screen. Because...

This information arrived in my email box. Therefore, that lets me know that you know my email address. Which makes me think they're trying to get you to re-up without you knowing it. And how are we supposed to know? Because nobody's talking about this. Right. Because there's all this other crazy shit going on in the U.S. right now. So all of these little, you know, what do they call it? Dinner table issues. All of this stuff just gets pushed to the side because all these fascists are trying to take over.

Right. We don't get any attention on the little daily annoyances that we all face. That we're really trying to address and improve, but nobody will listen to us. Nobody will listen. All right, Kylie, what's going on?

I've got some emails from some listeners. Excellent. This one is from Clint. And Clint emailed us to say, I just wanted to let you all know I have fucking had it with your podcast. Between my husband and I, I was the original follower. I discovered you ladies on TikTok a long time ago. Now my fucking husband has started listening to you cunts in the car every morning. I mean, he starts his goddamn day already having had it with everything. And I'm sick of hearing it.

I can't get him to do shit. I'm always met with, I've had it with that or I've had it with this.

You know what I've had it with? His bullshit cop-out way of getting out of doing shit. And quite frankly, I've had it with you bitches as well. From Pump's cock-hungry laugh and just Jen's face in general. Like, do you even blink anymore? Seriously? Just fuck off. Clint from Indiana. Oh, Clint from Indiana. I love an ass-chewing. I love Clint from Indiana. I love getting trolled and called out. Yeah, I just think it's so great.

That is so funny. But, you know, I find myself all the time when my kids will say something or somebody I'm talking to, like, that's trying to sell me something. I'll just be like, I've had it with that, like real aggressive with it. So I get it.

I say it all the time on the pickleball court. All the time. Linda or Liz or Libby will hit this winner, clean winner right by me. I couldn't even get my paddle on it. I'm like, I've had it. Had it. I've completely had it. Sometimes that's the only thing that really expresses how you feel in the moment. I've had it. Fucking had it. I've had it. Yeah. I understand Clint's plight. I do too. Mm-hmm.

All right. This one is from Linda and she's sending us an email with what she's had it with. What is with all this bullshit about living in a van? Every other Instagram post is about roaming around in a van that they redid. For the love of God, you're living in your car searching for what? I've had it. Thought you girls should know. I thought this was a good one we hadn't brought up.

This has not reached my algorithm. You haven't seen the people, the young couple that buys a bus or a van and they completely redo it all boho style and they live out of it? No, I have not seen this. I'm horrified. That reminds me. That's like a... That's just one step away from like Burning Man where you're just... I mean, like my immediate thought is, what do you do with the pee? What do you do with the poop? Where do you shower? How do you have any privacy? What if you're changing clothes? I mean, like...

All I think of is problems when I hear that. And for somebody to sell it, oh, I'm having a great time. I'm living in a styrofoam box and I fucking love it. Bullshit. That's an attention whore crap. There's no fucking way. I guess the thing is a lot of that stuff is just so diminished for me about how much fun they think they're having when they have to make videos about it and put it on social media. Some of the most fun that I have in my life, I

I don't have one Instagram video of it. Well, of course. Not one. Because you're not doing it. Because I'm too busy having fun. Right. You're not doing whatever you're doing so you can record it and put it on Instagram. Exactly. Bingo. The size queen nailed it. I'll tell you what right now. It will be a cold day in hell before I move into a van and start shitting as I drive for Instagram life. I'm going to take it a step further. I've had it with vans.

Even driving one. Yeah. Even driving one, much less living in one. And here's the deal. If that's your thing and you want to be a van dweller, I don't give a shit. It doesn't matter. I'm so glad. You know what, Kylie? You just screwed me so hard because now I'm talking about this. My phone's sitting right next to me. Now I'm going to have...

Insta van content. Hashtag van life. I'm going to send you so many. Oh my God. I'm going to ruin your life. Seth has been sending me all those crazy Christians that do like praise workouts. Have you heard about this? Oh, there's just Bible thumpers just eating up with the dumb shits. And it's like, they're doing exercise workouts.

And meanwhile, it's like, praise Jesus. And they're doing like praise Jesus exercises. I mean, it's just cold. It's total religious fanatic stuff. It's just crazy. And here's the thing. He sends them to me and I think, don't watch it. You're going to get more of this, but I'm morbidly curious about it. You wouldn't believe I wouldn't what's going on on Christian talk. Is that what it's called? Like Christian tick tock.

I didn't even know that was a thing. It is the most disturbing white people shit you have ever seen in your life. And here's the thing, they're young.

That's the worrisome part. It is equally as concerning as, have you seen the Mormon talk where they ask the Mormon, like, would you rather start a war or have a sip of coffee? Oh, yes. I've seen that. And the kids are like struggling and they're like, oh God, I think maybe I'd go with the war. Yeah. I've seen that. That is disturbing because they are young. And the same with these, like, there's like the tongue talkers and then they have this, uh,

game show like Jeopardy. And these kids are like probably 18 to 23. And they're spending all of this time producing this little game show as to who has memorized the Bible verses. And I'm thinking you have this whole life and all of these things in the world to explore.

And your worldview is going to be this Iron Age book. A lot of them are female that are on this little game show that doesn't even give you any rights. Right. You're supposed to submit. How tragically sad is that? You know, you have this whole life and this whole big world out there that you can go dive into. And your worldview is just reduced to this Iron Age book that gives you no rights. Right. It's wild.

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If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select I've had it in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. You know what I've had it with? What have you had it with? Talking about what men need to do if they get a four hour erection. I want to start talking about my four hour nap after sex, but where's my option?

I did some homework and it turns out there is a pink pill for women. It's called Addi and a woman got it approved by the FDA. In clinical trials, Addi was shown to boost sex drive in certain premenopausal women bothered by low libido.

Hell yes. It's prescription and the only FDA approved pink pill. I asked my doctor about it, but you can speak to a telehealth provider online at addy.com. A-D-D-Y-I dot com. Finally, can those be the Super Bowl ads from now on?

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All right. Speaking of assholes, today we have prepared an episode from our patriots and gayatriots over on our Patreon. And a lot of people like to go to Reddit and ask, am I the asshole? Yeah. But when you're a member of the I've Had It podcast, Patriot and Gayatriot Cult, you get to ask your mother's gin and pumps. Or should I say your mother and grandmother? Yeah.

You're such a bitch. I am. All right. And I am an asshole. Both. All right. So first up is our great patriot, Roy. And he says, am I the asshole for kicking a 72-year-old man off an airplane? For context, I used to be a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines, so that should tell you enough.

I was working lead flight attendant that day. We had already pushed back from the gate and we were mid-safety demo when a flight attendant came and told me she noticed someone in the emergency exit had a cane. Federal regulations say you can't sit there with a cane. So we tried to move him to a different seat and he wasn't having it. After going back and forth with this man for a minute or two, I finally said, sir, to make this simple for you, we're not taking off with you in this seat.

Well, it happened to be Pride Month and I was wearing my Frontier Pride pin, which is the flying F logo on top of a rainbow background. He said, what does that stand for? Fucking F-A-G-G-O-T. That's when I said, you know what, sir? We're just going to return to the gate and have you escorted off the plane due to your failure to fellow crew members instructions.

All of a sudden, he was more than happy to move seats. And I told him it was a little too late for that.

He got removed from the plane by Miami airport police. And Roy, what I have to say to that is you are nothing short of a patriot and a gaytriot. Fuck the old guy. Yeah, you're a hero. One of the beauties of being a flight attendant, and there aren't very many, is that at the end of the day, you can say, fuck it, we're going back. The feds are going to pick you up. I mean, that is one of the few perks.

And this motherfucker, first of all, it should have been immediate. Oh my gosh, I have a cane. I need to switch with someone. That's an easy fix. But to get obstinate and then to say that about the pride flag, go fuck yourself. I hope he went to federal prison under the jail supermax. Yeah, these, the homophobia. It's awful. That is unleashed lately is so horrific and it is so traumatic.

traumatizing for the progress that the LGBTQ+ community has made. And most of these people in these communities have already been shamed by their families, by their communities and by their churches. Or they have to go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving to their Trump loving family. Right.

their parents' love for them is somewhat superficial and somewhat duplicitous. And that would be really traumatizing to be around. And then you've got these assholes in the general public that just feel so emboldened to be so brazenly homophobic. And it's just...

unbelievable to me that this is going on. But Roy deserves a profile and courage. Absolutely. The guy's an asshole. You are not the asshole, Roy. I think that would be unanimous in this community.

Okay, next up we have Britt. Britt says, "Am I the asshole aunt for not taking my nieces and nephews on outings? My partner and I are the only child-free couple in our family and our siblings constantly guilt trip us having the kids send us videos and texts that we never spend time with them. We see them on very frequent family events and outings and having them for an entire day gives me a migraine.

We have demanding jobs and the weekends are time to relax, catch up on household tasks and do the things we enjoy to do together. The last thing we need to do is take two to four kids under the age of seven for the day to some excursion. Part of me feels bad, but it's something we currently just don't have the time or energy for.

Number one, your siblings are the assholes for making their kids send you those videos. I think that is toxic parenting. That's bullshit is what it is. Trying to get the kid to guilt you. That's bullshit. And my whole deal is the siblings are assholes. It's your fucking kid. Get a babysitter. Do not guilt your child-free sibling. That's... I mean, that is...

Damn near offensive. I just, I, the whole guilt trip family dynamic is so horrible. I think if somebody wants to be with you, let it be their idea. Don't guilt trip them into doing it. I just do not like that. Furthermore, this Brit chose not to have a kid. She sees your kid at family functions and clearly your kids aren't that great if you're always wanting to get rid of

Get rid of them over to Brit and her partner. And I'm sure your nieces and nephews are sweet, but no, you're not the asshole for not taking the kids. I think the parents are, and they need to stop having their kids send guilt trip videos. Absolutely. Free babysitting is not in your job description as an aunt or uncle.

Okay, this person has requested anonymity. And this is a member of our cult. And they say, Am I the asshole for being pissed that my bitchy sister-in-law intentionally got pregnant and is giving birth less than a month before my wedding? A little backstory is necessary. She's a raging cunt. She told me that I was a terrible person.

for explaining to her why the Try That in a Small Town music video was extremely racist. She got married in November and had two engagement parties, a couple shower, and three bridal showers and expected us to drive six hours to be at all of them. She is also a self-proclaimed... She is also a self-proclaimed patriotic bride. Yeah.

And proud to be an American with an American flag at every event, including her wedding. She told my fiance and I that we couldn't get engaged two months before her wedding, nor the month after. Our wedding is in April 2025, and we have had this date set since October 2024. So it's not like it's an oopsie.

And they told us they were intentionally trying to get pregnant. I really have such a chill vibe because y'all bitches humbled me, but I can't help but be so annoyed with her because it really feels like a fuck you and an attempt to make everything about her again because she has been married for six months and is bored. I really just trauma dumped there.

Okay, here's there's so many things I have to unpack about. Yeah, I agree. So many things. First of all, what is this? Try that in a small town music video. It's a Jason Aldean song and the music video and lyrics are pretty racist. Okay. Well, I mean, she's a patriotic bride. She's a patriotic bride. That was a dead giveaway. She's a Trumper. Okay, here's my advice for you anonymous Patreon member.

I think that everybody has to live life at their own terms and their own cycle. So I have these two nephews and one of them got married and then the other one wanted to get engaged. And the...

bride of the first one was like, they can't get engaged until after our wedding and kind of forced this timeline. Now she regrets doing that. And I just think the situation is just let everybody live their life in their own terms. If this woman wants to get married and be a patriotic bride and then crank out a baby and be a racist and be a maggot and be a nut, let her do it. Right. Let her do all of it.

You are not an asshole anonymous poster in general because you're dealing with a psychotic person. Right. But you cannot argue with crazy. Let this patriotic bride...

unfortunately breed and have a patriotic baby. Unfortunately breed. But just completely detach yourself from her timeline. She's an asshole because she's a racist and a patriotic bride. But don't get into the minutia of when she's going to breed and when she's going to pop out a baby because you're just going to be, it is a, there's no reward for dictating when other people live their lives. Just do it. Fuck it. Do it when you want to do it. Right. I do think that

What compounds this issue is how much attention she took for herself when she got married and required so much of them. I would think that that relationship would be a breeding ground for resentment. Yeah. Yeah. I completely agree. Okay. Here's a new one. This is by Patriot member, Aggravated Waitress. Am I the asshole for tripping my five-year-old niece? Yes.

I live with my sister and her two young children, which is mostly fun, but the kids can really be trying at times, especially since my sister takes the gentle parenting approach. I find there tends to be a lot of going on about respecting the kids' boundaries, but when it comes to the kids learning to respect the boundaries of others, not much is really done about it. Anyhow, the other day, my niece was dangling herself off the handles of our double door fridge.

This is not only a danger to her as the fridge could possibly fall forward on her, but in a less serious circumstance could damage the handles on the fridge. My sister was in the other room, so I told my niece to stop and explain to her why she shouldn't hang from the fridge. She quickly turned around and screamed at me saying, this is my house too and I'm allowed to do whatever I want to. I told her that was not the case and calmly reiterated my reasoning as to why she couldn't hang from the fridge.

She then spit at me and once again screamed, I can do whatever I want before starting to run away from me. I then proceeded to stick my foot out and trip her. She quickly stood up and wheeled around to scream at me. That's not nice. And you can't do that. I smiled and responded with, it's my house too. And I can do whatever I want.

I felt bad after the initial satisfaction wore off, but I have not had a problem with this kind of behavior since. I understand the better thing to do would have been maybe a timeout or impose some sort of consequence like no TV time, but my sister doesn't believe in that either. I think regardless, I'm the asshole, but possibly for the good of humanity. I'm going to disagree with you, aggravated waitress. I don't think you're an asshole. No, I think that that...

When she spit in your face, all bets were off. Yeah, I would have tripped that little five-year-old immediately. Look, kids are resilient. She needed to be tripped. I think it was fantastic. You have said since then that the kid hasn't had this type of behavior. I think the trip is mild. I think the trip is mild. And I think the whole general gentle parenting model...

It's just wrought with issues. I mean, that thing got out of control fast. Five years old telling you it's my house. I can do what I want. That makes me nervous for the future. Yeah. I just I think the kids, the asshole. And I think that we need to normalize calling kids assholes. And I think that this is a kid, a toddler that's completely out of control. Yeah. And it's only going to get worse. I mean, she's hanging from the fridge. Yeah.

She shouldn't be hanging from the fridge. She shouldn't have backtalked you. She shouldn't have spit in your face. You were desperate. Yeah. I have no problem with that. Kids trip and fall all the time anyway. Yeah. I love it. Pumps trips and falls all the time. I trip. Oh my God, you. For the first time, maybe the second time in 21 years.

You tripped the other day and I couldn't, I could not believe my eyes. I didn't fall. You didn't fall. I mean, you were covered, but I was just like. I squeezed into my core. Oh my gosh. Yes. All right. Derek says, am I the asshole for wanting Christmas day just for my household? No.

Two years ago, my wife and I decided to not travel anywhere and not invite anyone to our house on Christmas Day. We wanted to focus on our children. In the past, we would have three rounds of people come over and have to fit our family Christmas in for one hour because we had to prepare the house. We got tired of rushing around, trying to please everyone. The only two people that had a problem were

with this was my mother and my sister. My mom cried to my aunt and tried to get her to change our minds and my sister straight up told us we were selfish and closed-minded. It

It caused us a lot of stress to the point that we cried to our other family members, not knowing what to do. In the end, we stuck to it and reserved the day to ourselves. And we are glad that we did it. It is so much more relaxed and we actually enjoyed ourselves. We still see the rest of our families, just not on Christmas day. The rest of December is completely booked for them. Am I the asshole?

No. 100% no. You're absolutely right. You know what I want to call this? Gentle adulting. Gentle adulting. Gentle adulting. Draw your boundaries gently and tell the people, no, you don't get to hijack my entire holiday schedule. Why is my family less important than the extended family? Why is my time with my kids less important than

Then everybody coming over, it sounds like the sister that called him selfish is the one that's selfish.

She didn't want to host, so she wants you to host. Imposing all of these events onto a young family. It sounds like Derek and his wife, young family, young kids. And that's the magical time for those of you that celebrate Christmas when your kids are young and you believe in the magical thinking that Santa Claus comes down and all that stuff. It's really fun. It's a big time. And to impose all of these visits and all of these events...

It makes you not want to be around those people. A girl that works for me, she has a stepmother-in-law that sent her a schedule for Christmas that I think consisted of 12 different events.

for her to attend 12 different family events, which makes them not want to go to any. That's what I was going to say. If you have that much demanding on your time, you don't want to do any of it. And then typically people like this, when you reject the events, they're the guilt trippers. I was going to say you get guilt.

Oh. Imposers and guilt trippers, it's all in the same library, in the same book, in the same chapter. Absolutely. And I really dislike people that insist that

We have to celebrate this on this day. Why can't you celebrate Christmas with a different set of family the next day? Yeah. It's still Christmas. The only people it really matters to what the exact day is, is little kids for Santa Claus. Also Jesus Christ. Well, okay. But the baby Jesus. The baby Jesus can go the next day, the day before. Okay. Derek, no, I do not think you're the asshole. I think you are a very healthy person.

Man advocating for boundaries for your family. And I think the histrionics from the other family members crying and pitching a fit is just toxic. And it further their behavior further confirmed for you that you did the right thing. I agree. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, Pumps, I don't think it matters how old we become.

The idea that the grass is always greener creeps in and we think, oh, if we just had this, oh, if I just look like that, oh, if I just lived here, I might be happy. Instead of focusing on what we do have and staying in the now.

I struggle with this all the time and I talk to my therapist at BetterHelp about how to stay present in the now. And I cannot emphasize enough how much my BetterHelp therapist helps me tackle the day-to-day hamster that runs in my brain trying to ruin my day. What I love about BetterHelp is I can set the appointments around my schedule and

And I get to do them at home in my pajamas where I'm 100% comfortable. Listener, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch parties at any time for no additional charge. Stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp. This

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Listener, sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash had it now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash had it. Claire, am I the asshole for pretending I had my period to get out of all water activities in my gym class throughout middle school?

For context, I didn't actually get my period until the summer before I started high school. I have naturally curly hair that I used to fry within an inch of its life with a straightening iron throughout middle school. I did not want to get in the goddamn pool and fuck it up. So when it came time for the pool-related units in gym class, I would tell the gym teacher, a man in his 50s, that I had my period and

And he would immediately look grossed out and tell me I could skip. There was a water polo unit that lasted a month. And my gym teacher began to get concerned that my period was still going strong a month later. And a nurse tried to give me a note to give to my mom, basically asking her to make sure my uterus was okay, which I discarded because my mom knew damn well I'd never had my period yet. Conveniently, I'd had pneumonia the summer before and still had the inhaler left over. So I brought it in to do some prop.

acting and told my gym teacher I couldn't get in the pool because I was having an asthma attack. I do not and I've never had asthma. I sat in the stands pretending to use my inhaler with its empty cartridge while everyone else attempted to play water polo. My fried hair stayed straight as a pin that month thanks to my creativity. But I still think about that sometimes and wonder if I am a huge asshole for that.

I think you're a queen. I mean, that's gangsta right there. That's problem solving. That's problem solving. I love it. I love it so much. I too was a late bloomer and I would use my period to get out of stuff in gym class because it's just easy. No man or teacher wants to get in your business about your menstrual cycle.

And think about junior high school is the most awkward, horrible time of your life. And you know everything's great in lower school. Nobody has hormones. You play. There's some childhood, you know.

I know you are, but what am I? Bullshit. But she really don't have problems. And then you hit junior high and all of a sudden the dynamics change and you really care about what you look like. And so Claire went to such care to straighten her hair so that nobody would make fun of her curly hair. And I totally understand why she wouldn't want to get it all frizzy in the pool. Pumps got a fever blister recently and she never had them in her life. And so I gave her some medication because I've had them my whole life.

And I remember in like junior high and high school, I would get these just monster fever blisters and they were so big and it was just so humiliating and so embarrassing. I'd be like, mom, do I have to go to school? And she's like, I'm afraid so. Like doors are open that, you know, you have to go to school. I think the middle school being worried about your appearance and self-consciousness.

is more damaging than lying about your period. Yeah, it's even close. And I'll tell you what, I had a similar situation. Mine was I was biking on this bike hike and I was just, it was uphill so much and I just couldn't do it. And I was like 23 or four or five and I faked an asthma attack.

to get out of the bike, the bike tour. Yeah. I just was like, this cannot continue. I have to do something. So I did have an inhaler. I was not having an asthma attack, but I pulled that thing out and I told the guide. Did you take a hit off of it? Oh, of course I did. Yeah. And then I went down the hill and smoked 10 cigarettes in a row. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But I faked an inhaler too to get out of shit. Yeah. It just happens. All right. Lisa says, I already know I'm the asshole. My daughter is 33 now, so it has been a while. We were in a store shopping. I think she was four. She pitched one of those lay in the floor and scream, I want that Fitz.

I fell my big ass in the floor and rolled around with her. Whatever I did worked. I got several pearl clutches and eye rolls from the sanctum mommies, sanctum mommies. But oddly enough, she never did it again. I probably scarred her for life.

Okay. I never did this in public, Lisa, but I was desperate. My youngest son, Roman, was just his default setting as a toddler. He went through like a total asshole period. He would bite me, kick. He was just a little raging asshole. And so he pitched this fit one time and I screamed on the floor and rolled around with him.

And it kind of jolted him, but Roman's real stubborn. So he like triples down. So I go in my bedroom door and I lock the door and I sit on the side of it. And he's sitting on the other side of it and the door's locked and he's banging on it. And I see his hand coming through. And so I just keep touching his hand and he keeps going. He called me Nonny because he couldn't say mommy. And he's like, Nonny, Nonny. And I was just screaming, Roman, Roman.

And because you sometimes you just you're just like, I don't know what to do. I'm dealing with a person who is acting like they're completely intoxicated, yet they haven't had anything to drink. Right there. I mean, it's just they're feral creatures. They just don't know what to do. So I have to say, Lisa, no, I don't think you're an asshole. I think.

parenting two to four year olds is so hard because they're like drunk people. Yeah. I had a couple of those meltdowns in like a store and I would just walk off and leave. The kid? I would just leave the kid like in the middle of the aisle. It was always Emily, but she's laying down throwing a fit, thrashing her hands and I would just push my cart and leave. Your ability to disassociate is really world-class. I remember there was a time

When you lived at that house on Whippoorwill and you had that godforsaken jacuzzi tub in your master bath that was oversized. So we decided we were going to throw all the kids in the bathtub so that we could go outside and smoke cigarettes as any good mother would do. Right, with little kids. So we start the water. We throw a bunch of toys in it. We start all the bubbles. And we're like, oh, we're going to get a good 20 minutes. We can probably smoke two to three cigs during this time. So, I mean, the bubbles are going. So we start tossing the kids in one by one.

So Emily goes in and she sits down in the tub and she happens to sit down on like a, it's like a superhero. And the superhero foot of the figure like cuts her asshole. Yeah. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs, right?

freaking out and as Emily like you could barely scratch her right so she's barely bleeding I mean barely she comes out snot slinging and when Emily cries she is typically followed by vomit so she's just out of control and pups I go Emily lie down and pups just walks out of the room and I start cleaning you just completely walked out of the room Emily's like my booty and I'm like

She's like, I want my mommy. And I'm like, oh, you and me both, girl. Right.

So I have to apply pressure. You know, this is delaying the nicotine gratification we were both seeking. And you're nowhere to be found. Yeah. I'm in there cleaning. Remember, I was wiping up the tile. Yeah. Your ability to disassociate is world class. I just didn't know what to do. I just panicked and like fight or flight. And I fled. Yeah. Left you holding the bag. Literally. You literally did. The bleeding. Holding the asshole. The bleeding asshole. Yeah. Michael. Michael.

Am I the asshole for honking at someone when the light turns green and they don't push the long skinny pedal on the right because they are on their phone? No, I do it all the time.

It's so fucking irritating when you're at a stop sign and you're like fourth back and you get caught at the stop sign because they don't go because they're texting. I always honk. Always. This is what I appreciate about Manhattan, New York City. The light turns green and I mean, they are honking preemptively. Yeah.

I mean, before the person even has the time to go from brake to gas, the horns are on and I'm like, I like it. It's keeping everybody ready for battle. It's accountability. It is. It is accountability. It keeps the efficiency. And here's the deal. If I'm on my phone and the light changes, I appreciate it when someone honks at me. Okay.

Oh, I do too. I mean, I prefer it than everybody missing the light. Becca, am I the asshole for always stealing my friend's phones in the morning after sleepovers, turning the ringer on loud and calling them on star six seven so they would wake up because I was bored?

It sounds like something I would do, but I think it's kind of assholey. Yeah, it's total asshole. But sometimes being an asshole is good. Sometimes you can be an asshole for the good. Well, and let's get back up. Let's go. Michelle, our favorite Michelle, I roll goddamn city says, am I the asshole for sometimes hating my children? I mean, obviously I love them, but sometimes I really dislike them. Sometimes I want to drive off a bridge sometimes.

just for silence or even throw them out a window. Michelle, this is the most relatable thing a mother can possibly say. You love your children. You'd give them a kidney. You would fight to the battle. If anybody else even suggested for one second that your kids were assholes, you're like, fuck you. Your kids are bigger assholes. But this is so relatable. Here's the deal. Little kids are assholes.

There are times when your kids will make you crazy and you hate them as much as you love them all in the same moment. If you don't say, my kid's driving me crazy, my kid's an asshole, I think you kind of go crazy. Then you're like on your TikTok making all these videos and it's toxic. Just being able to say that.

in your mind or to a friend, "I fucking had it with these kids. They're assholes. I can't stand them right now." Doesn't mean in 15 minutes you won't love them more than anything on the planet. I'm also going to take it a step further. I think it's healthy to tell your kids, "Stop. You're driving me crazy. This has been asked and answered. I've asked you to cease this behavior."

There's this notion that people can't tell their kids what the consequence is of their annoying behavior. And when a child is acting annoying, they need to be alerted as such because once they're out of your nest, they need to know how to deal with social cues. Right. And that starts with the parenting. And so there's this notion out there, and I don't know when this came about, that like everything you tell your kids is

has to be positive or that you can't draw a boundary with your kids. Like I'll be on the phone with pumps or with somebody else and my kids walk in the room. I stop the phone call and I say, hi, I'm on the phone right now because I want privacy. They're not entitled to be around me 24, 7, 365. Right. And I just think that this is a dangerous precedent that's going on that you can't tell your kids you're being annoying. Right.

I want privacy right now. I need to be alone right now. It's just, it creates this level of

codependency and the kids aren't able to function out with other people and I think it's dangerous. Well, and it teaches kids that their behavior is acceptable at all times. And when they get out into public, when they get into school, that is simply not the case. Well, and then they don't have boundaries when they get out there. Right. Because nobody's drawn them with them at home. There's been no training. Yeah. No, I, pumps would call me all the time.

And I would say hello and she would say, I fucking hate my kids more than anything on the planet. Let's go smoke a cigarette. Yeah. And I know you can't even understand how into...

her kids that pumped it. It's ridiculous. I mean, it's sometimes over the top. She loves her kids more than anything. But I was always the voice when she called that you got to say you hated your kids. And I knew that you literally didn't hate your kids. I know that you hated that moment with your kids. And that the frustration is overwhelming. The frustration caused hatred, momentary hatred. Right. I

I think it's perfectly normal. Michelle. Perfect. All right. Listen, check us out. We are heading to Seattle. We are heading to New York in September and November for, you know, just some world-class shit talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. Meemaw's going to bring the dragons. I'm going to bring the dragons. Unfortunately, I can't go anywhere without them.

I wish I could. Yeah, that's right. All right. And then right now our Patreon post show starts. Pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.