Pumps Up Hoes Down
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This episode of I've Had It is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So we're supposed to start the podcast. Ready? One, two, three.

Oh my God. You know, I still see some naysayers on the YouTube comment section that are like, why does her clap such a big deal? Why do y'all care? And I'm over the clap.

Here's the deal. This is what I say to that. Number one, they don't realize how long it's taken me to be able to perfect that clap over my head not looking. It's like 150 episodes. Right. I mean, so I am just now getting hitting my stride and I'm getting good at it. So I like to do it. Yeah. So the naysayers, they can just take a big step.

little spot on my cheek and kiss it. You know, I just think that they're fun haters. They can't celebrate the simple things in life. That's right. Like a very advanced age, hot female clapping over her head without looking. Over the sagging dragons that are an impediment to anything. I will never grow old of watching you clap. Thank you. Or analyzing your clap or talking about your clap.

It may mean at the tail end of the podcasting career of ours that I may be the only listener of the pod, but that's a risk I'm willing to take because that's how much I believe in you. That's true friendship. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is diners that are telling personal stories to the waitstaff. This just happened to me on Sunday.

I'm trying to Karen this waitress and I can't do it because this woman who's my mother's age is telling a story to the waitstaff about when her son, who's my age, a story. And I'm like, fucking shut up, yak mouth. They don't want to play by play of your son's childhood. It was so obnoxious and it really impeded my ability to Karen the server because I had a yak mouth diner next to me and I've had it with that.

Kylie, does this remind you of anything? Oh, God. I know exactly. It does ring a bell. Yeah. What's interesting about this is I agree with you. I agree with you 100% that when you have too much carrying on between the diner and the waitstaff, it kind of takes the relationship outside of the boundaries in which it best functions. And I have a friend that I dine with quite a bit while I'm traveling.

I walked right into this. And this friend in particular does a lot of talking with the waitstaff, a lot of sharing. A lot of things go down. And sometimes I think this conversation is preventing that order from being turned into the kitchen. And sometimes these conversations go on for five to 10 minutes. So it's interesting now that somebody's done this to you.

Are you on my and Kylie's side about this? Yes, I walked right into this. It's a spot it, got it situation, obviously.

Because I did do this on one occasion. It's been a couple. I don't think, the one stands out as just absolutely the worst offense ever. When I started asking about the in-law situation. When you asked the waiter what his relationship was like with his in-laws. Yes, I shouldn't have asked it. It was bad. I'll never hear the end of it as long as I live. Okay, let's get back on point. Here's the situation with this.

I used to wait tables. And when the customer talks to you too much, it prevents you from tending to your other tables as well. Right. I didn't want to, as a waiter, I didn't want to get beyond the boundaries of what that relationship was.

I don't want to hear about your children. I don't want to hear about your doctor's appointments. Oh, God, no. I don't want to share with you about my relationship with my in-laws. I don't want to share intimate details. When I was a waitress, I didn't want this. And actually,

Now as a diner, I don't want this. I want to go over friendly. Everybody should be friendly. Everyone should be kind. But it is a service that's being provided wherein personal details can just be left aside. Some people want to hear a lot of other people's personal details. I don't. I'm not one of them. I want to opt out. I want to check the box to opt out. I want to opt out. Yeah. No, I think maybe servers should wear a sign like we're not friends.

This is a very defined relationship. I want to take your order. I'm going to smile. I'm going to earn my money. Hopefully that you're not a tight ass and you leave a great tip because waiters hardly make any money by the hour. Yeah, I think that this is a...

This is something that's going on a lot because I've also been a diner. How about this? I've been a diner and a waitress has four or five different tables and I really need that waiter's attention. I need either like a side of salsa, maybe an extra side of salad dressing, a refill on my water. There's some little item that I need that's just going to take my meal right over the top. It's just a quick little, can I get one more of these? Right. Right.

And then I see some other guest bogarting the waiter. Yes. And taking up all of their time. And it goes on 10 minutes and there's a lot of knee slapping. There's a lot of giggling. And I'm like, I know that this is...

gone well beyond the defined relationship that y'all are supposed to have. It's like all of a sudden they're engaged. Right. They're going to take engagement photos. We're all on first date, bare minimum type situation. No, it's just ridiculous. And I...

The server in question at my dinner on Sunday was very jovial and was great. But I knew in her head she was just like, I roll goddamn city. She did not want to talk about it. No, she didn't give a fuck. Yeah. And nobody gives a fuck. That woman needs to just shut the fuck up. When I find myself in a conversation where I start sharing something with somebody I don't know very well.

about my children or about myself personally, I've gotten to a stage where I'm very aware of it. Like they don't give a shit. Right. You get more aware as you get older. Like they don't care. The only thing you haven't grasped that with is pickleball. But every other situation, I would say that you're very good about that. Yeah. I really do like pickleball. You like to talk about it? Yeah.

We haven't talked about it that much lately, have we? I feel like we have. You do? I do. Did I tell you I've gotten a lot faster at putting my grip on my paddle? Even my pickleball friends, they ask me to do it for them because I'm so good at it. Boy, that's really nice. All right. Well, let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. You know, I'm an interior designer. I did know that. Listener. And I've had it with man caves. Yeah.

That's a great one. I'm going to break it down. There's multiple reasons why I've had it with man caves. Multiple. Let me walk you guys through the process. You're meeting with a couple and they're designing a house. Maybe it's a new construction or a remodel. You're sitting at the table and the guy goes, yeah, I want one of those man caves. And the wife's like, oh, yeah, he needs a man cave.

And it's like, I want it dark and I want a 150 inch screen, whatever. If that's what you want, that's fine. What upsets me about this the most is

is there's no vagina cave. Right. Pussy palaces. Where are they? Yeah. Where's the pussy palace? Yeah. You want your man cave? Then we also need the pussy palace. Agree. Because women deserve to unplug and have their own space free of children and free of husbands every bit as much as the man does. And you find often in these plans that

It's still, it's like the sexism is so cooked in the books and we're all so deferential to men. It even goes into architecture. Yeah. Well, I hate to tell you this. I don't, I'm sure you've heard this before, but I had a friend that was designing her house and her husband said, well, since you get everything you want in the kitchen, I get to have a man cave. Implying that.

That his space was the man cave and her space was the kitchen. That just went through all through me. Did she realize that? No, she didn't think it was bad. I was the only one cringing at the table. So let's, let me get this straight. He says, since she gets everything she wants in the kitchen, I get everything I want in

In my man cave. Correct. What a dick. What a sexist pick. I was horrified. It's amazing how much racism or homophobia or sexism is cooked into certain institutions and certain fields, you know, like that. My dad will say often, yeah, none of the women in my family cook.

And now I always respond to him and say, none of the men do either. Right. You know, like, why is that? It's like... Woman's work. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's just... But I see this a lot with architecture plans, the man cave. And it just really has started sitting in my craw. And I just think, number one, man cave, that's stupid. Grow up. Grow up. Okay. Okay.

And number two, let's have women now, like I've worked my whole adult life. I want a pissy palace. I want a place where I can go because inevitably the woman's spaces are always invaded by everybody, by the men, by the kids. And I don't have any space really in my house that's just mine.

Yeah, I know. That's one great thing about being single. My bedroom, my closet, my bathroom, all my space. You've got a giant pussy palace. I've got a giant pussy palace with only my pussy in it, so it's perfect. It's just the little kitty cat that you are. Welcome to I've Had It, where we are fighting architectural sexism one episode at a time. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the host of Girl, Please, sponsored by Rock Hard Cock Chats.

Girl, say it. Girl, please. Kylie, hi. How are you doing today? I'm pretty good. Do you have any reviews for us on the internet? I do, actually. Oh, good. I have a five-star review. Oh, good. Titled Viva Pumps. Oh, good. They write, you can't beat the banter between Jennifer and her mom pumps. They have a chemistry that could only result from their long shared history.

I sincerely hope that pumps will live long enough to see the next season. That's great. And I just for the listeners that weren't at our Lawrence, Kansas show.

Jennifer took very preciously at that show, because it was the night before my birthday, to calling me Meemaw. Oh, thank you for reminding everybody. Yes. Meemaw. We nicknamed Pumps Kylie and I. So, I mean, she was Judge Judy Diana. And Judge Judy shit the bed. And then Judge Judy went off script. She went off the rails. She's lost her goddamn mind. So we've been searching for a great nickname for Pumps.

And of course, Kylie and I came up with Meemaw. Meemaw. M-E-M-A-W. And they just look at each other and they both start giggling. They lock eyes, start giggling and say, Meemaw. At the meet and greet, every photo that you all would pose for, Jen would look at me and say, Kylie, is Meemaw smiling? What a bunch of dicks. So good. Just a bunch of dicks. You're still a MILF.

She's a total milf. Meemaw. Even though we call her Meemaw, even though she's much older than pretty much everybody, she's still the hottest woman in podcasting. Yeah, right. Meemaw, I'd like to fuck. Meemaw, I'd like to fuck. That's right. She's still a milf. See, I work with dicks. Except for Seth. He's nice. Everyone else is dicks. Okay, we got a comment on Twitter. Okay.

From Ryan. Okay. And he writes, never thought I wanted to be an old white broad, but then I met these two old white broads.

12 out of 10 fuckery. I love that. That is so nice. That is so nice. Thank you, Ryan. That's a great compliment. I'm so glad that we have two happy listeners. Right. We have two now. We have two. No, with one from last week, we have three. We have three happy listeners. We have not had any hate comments in quite a long time. I know. And I really enjoyed this. They finally left us. They finally decided we just, we're never going to change him. We just have to abandon shit.

Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women?

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there.

Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships. Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.

Well, I want to talk to the listener about some stuff that's been going on behind the scenes, a little BTS of I've had it podcast. A couple of weeks ago, we were on tour. We went to the city of Nashville, city of St. Louis and the city of Lawrence, Kansas. And, um,

Pumps and I woke up in Nashville on Valentine's Day morning as each other's Valentines. Always. And we did Wordle. And then I found myself over onto Instagram. And one of the first things that popped up was our executive producer, Kylie, K-I-L-E-Y, Josie. Kylie Josie's Instagram post was,

a, uh, collab post. Let me just, that's important. That's an important detail. It wasn't just her post. She collabed it with her girlfriend, Anna Frost. Yeah. And in this, it's a, probably a, what, three to four slider. I think it was four, four slides. It is a, uh,

Picture like, you know, when you have like a toddler or when you were a toddler and there's a backdrop. Right. Right. Of it like Olin Mills studio. It was full Olin Mills. Yeah. And it's red and it has white hearts all over it. Like the glow kind. Yeah. I mean, it was well done. There was a lot of thought that had gone into this Valentine's Day post. But basically they were Valentine's Day gifts.

couples photo shoot for Valentine's Day. And then on Valentine's Day, you rolled out with a collab post four photos deep of a lesbian photo shoot.

That's correct. And I kept it a secret from you for about two weeks. Yeah. We immediately were like, oh. Jennifer goes, oh my gosh, open up your Instagram. Because I was serving coffee and I was like, oh my God, what is it? She goes, Kylie did a collab post for Valentine's Day with Onnit. And I was like, no way. And then we were like, does she know who we are? Has she met us? Did you know that we have microphones? Yeah. I mean, it's partly what fueled us to do it.

I knew I would wake up and just ruin your morning. I did. To the contrary, it made our morning. It gave us so much. We've talked about that. That gives us like, that was just number one, so ballsy. Yeah. Number two, the time and care that puts the thought, all of the steps that went into it

are fascinating to me, the psychology behind it. And I admire your love because I don't know that I've ever been in love with somebody to organize that much of a rollout. Have you? Yeah.

Absolutely not. I can't even fathom a world in which I would be so crazy in love that I would want to go pose in front of a red wall with white light up hearts on it. I just, I don't think we're romantic. You and I are neither one romantic. Lesbian love is a greater level of love than heterosexual love. Well, if I ever cross over, I'll let you know. You'll know for sure.

If you wake up on Valentine's Day and there's me and my girlfriend, red wall, light up hearts behind us. Lesbian love is greater than heterosexual love. Yeah. I'll tell you some of the steps. Because it wasn't just a fly-by-night deal.

Like a month out, I booked this photo shoot. Now, was it your idea? It was my idea. Well, and it was your idea because we were going to be gone for Valentine's Day, right? Right. Did something a little special. Pats and I, it didn't even click with us that we were going to be gone for Valentine's Day. Until we were like, to real cities away. I don't think it did until that morning. I was like, oh shit, it's Valentine's Day. It took us like three or four days to come up with why they would do this. Why would she do this? Why was this so important? And then we realized-

You were gone on Valentine's Day. You were working. Thanks to you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Let me ask you this. When you told Anna that you were going to be gone on Valentine's Day, was that a leveling blow? It wasn't the most exciting news I've ever delivered. Yeah. But we booked the photo shoot. She didn't want to do it. Probably mostly because all we do is talk shit about it on this podcast. Right. Right. That would be a deterrent.

Then I convinced her to do it. We coordinated outfits. Okay. Okay. We planned this all out. Our entire day was surrounding this. We had to get ready, all of it. Then after we got them back. Right. We had about two meetings. We had one the morning of Valentine's Day before we rolled out. Going through about 50 photos, curating exactly which ones were going to go and in what position.

in the Instagram post. Wait, so y'all coordinated what position one, what position two? Correct. And nobody at any point from the booking to the meetings with the photographer, to getting the outfits, to the collab posts, nobody ever tried to talk anybody off the ledge? No. No.

That's what fascinates me about this stuff. That's the fascinating part. Yeah. It sounds like on it in the beginning, you kind of had to drag her a little bit. A little bit. And the worst part, super cute photo. We're all in love on Valentine's Day. We're getting a lot of love. We also got bullied by a lot of I've had it listeners. Well, of course. Of course you did. Good for them. Yep. Yeah. Good for them. See, they're true to the brand. They are. Yeah. Unlike me. See, here's the thing. I admire it because it was ballsy.

A lot of time. There's a lot of love there. Yeah. And listen, we're probably jealous, you and me. That's why we sound like we're so bitter. Because we've never loved anybody enough to go post. Nor if Josh Welch, I don't know that I have that in me to make that level of a joint decision.

If somebody sat down with me and said, here's photo number one, I'd say, I don't give a shit. You pick it. Exactly. Let's move forward. I'd abdicate immediately. Yeah. You pick it. I don't give a shit. But this was a joint endeavor straight down the line. Through and through.

I have a lot more photos too that I'll drip out to you over time. I can't wait. Do you think it's kind of gay? It's super gay. Yeah. It's the cheeseball nature of it that is problematic and off-brand. But also, thank you for bringing such great content.

to our podcast. Yeah, you're welcome. It lasted like four days of conversation. That's all we've talked about. Yeah. You and Ana? No, us three. Oh, yeah. We just gave you shit from sunup to sundown starting on Valentine's Day. Three days later, they would just, we'd be in the car on the way home from tour and it'd be dead silent and I would just hear Jen go, Kylie, what about that photo shoot? Here's the only exception I take to it because I started thinking about this. So Kylie tells us that the photographer is like,

These were the best photos I've ever taken. You guys were great subjects. And I'm like, no shit, Sherlock. They're both gorgeous. Right. And it's probably normally a snot-nosed toddler. But I mean, who wouldn't – I mean, I dare say I could take great pictures of you and Anna if I tried. And I'm terrible with my phone. Should we try? Yeah.

I don't think we could talk Ana into it. She knows my skills are bad. So, I mean, Kylie and Ana can't take a bad photo. So for the pat on the backs the photographer was giving himself or herself was a little over the top giving the subjects. Kylie and Ana would look good sitting in the barrel of a loaded shotgun. Absolutely. You can't suck it up. This was not that difficult of a task. And that is the least important detail to this entire story.

The parts that interest me most are the colluding. The colluding. The planning. The collusion. To know that you all had a conversation about the order in which they were gone out is a level of partnership that I'm not capable of. I agree. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it was like detailed meetings. I'm too independent. Are you capable of that level of partnership? Absolutely not. I think it's a shortcoming of ours. Oh, 100%. It's a shortcoming. I'm not capable of that level of partnership. I'm in charge of it or you're in charge of it. We don't have to have joint meetings about it. No, no, no, no, no.

to know. Let me ask you a question pertaining to that. So there were some photos where I thought I looked great. This needs to be on my Instagram. Ana's like, no, I don't look good in that. And vice versa. So we couldn't post those. Would you say fuck it and just post the best one of you? I have a great story about this. Let me tell you what happened. It was probably 2007. And Pumps and her family, this is when she was married, they go to Costa Rica, right? And

They get back and it's about time that everybody's, this is back before Pumps and I were bitter and mean and all of the things that everybody says about us on the internet. And we sent out snail mail Christmas cards. Okay. This was long before we were ruined as individuals. We might've even done a photo shoot at this, in this joyful time of ours. But nonetheless, I digress. So I'm starting to receive my snail mail Christmas cards and I open up one card in particular and

I recognized the handwriting instantly and I opened it up and it is this family that I love and adore on this big, giant, oversized hammock. Okay. And the husband of this family has put on some weight. Okay. And he is in a swim trunk only with a belly that's protruding out over the swim truck over to the sides. And there's just nothing.

No question that the winter months have not been so kind for his overall weight. I'm not trying to body shame. It was just a very obvious thing, right? And the kids are all suntanned. The husband was pasty white. The wife was looking hotter than she had ever looked.

Had this great rack on her. This olive skin was for sure skinnier than I'd seen her in a long, long time. And she's kind of snuggled up, grinning from ear to ear. Looks like a million bucks. I mean, we're talking Victoria Secret Supermodel. I open it up and I'm like, well, well, well. I answer the phone and call this friend of mine. And I'm like,

were you not aware that you look so great and your husband looks like hammered dog shit? And she says, that's exactly why I chose it and sent it out.

Listener, one surprise, who the friend was. Yeah. No mystery there. Yeah. It was our precious princess, Pumps. Meemaw. It's Meemaw. It's Meemaw. Do you remember that? Yeah, I totally did. But then Pumps and I started noticing a whole thing and it was our whole deal. Every Christmas we could tell every Christmas card, the wife looked like a million bags and one of the kids could have an eye closed, but the wife was still going to send it out as long as the wife looked good in it. And here's the deal.

I do the same shit. Of course. I've posted pictures before and Dylan's like, Mom, my eyes are closed. And I'm like, tough titties, kid. I look great in the photo. We're pushing forward. We're not putting it on your Instagram, which that would be my response to the collab post. The great pictures of you, I would just post those on your separate non-collab post. Yeah, I can drip them out. You can drip those out. And plus...

Let's face it. Ana doesn't take a bad picture. Like Ana would look bad in a photo. Right. I mean, that's just not possible. So I do think just put those, your favorite ones, just right up there on your Instagram by yourself. I do just want to tack one last thing on before we move on. There's one photo. I think I sent it to you where she had us get down on the floor on our bellies on this white fur carpet. And she said, okay, Kylie, put your hand down.

Your head and your hands, like how a baby poses. So I had both my hands under my chin on my cheek. And then she had Anna lay right next to me. And then she had me kick my feet up in the air. Yeah. So we look like two little like schoolgirls at a sleepover. Yeah. And I have it permanently forever. Yeah. You said it to me. I have that permanently as well. I would remember having seen that vividly. Oh, I have it. So I'll have to see that after the show. Bums and I listen.

Meemaw's old. And I can't tell you, I don't think you've had that good of a Valentine's Day in quite some time. If ever. Yeah. I mean, I just can't, I don't even think in high school I would have done that. This is, Pop's just, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. What did I text y'all the morning of Valentine's Day? Do you remember? No. I said, happy Valentine's Day to my two honorary lesbians.

Oh, that's so nice. You don't even remember because my photo shoot. No, the photo shoot just came in and zapped my brain. I don't remember also because I woke up sicker than a dog. You did. That's true. I was sick. She was sick. Very, very sick. I had a fever. Pumps took care of me. Ma took care of me. She nursed me. She ordered me chicken noodle soup and took me to the doctor. Okay. So here's the thing. In conclusion about the lesbian fuckery, lesbians are great athletes. Yeah.

God only knows how much we love Kylie and all that. We like to give them shit, though. That's one of the best parts. We absolutely do. But I mean, do you think y'all are going to do some sort of Easter basket photo shoot or –

I don't know if Easter is our forte. What about 4th of July? I mean, we got lots of holidays. 4th of July is kind of ruined for me too now. It's a little too patriotic. Maga, yeah. Maga ruined 4th of July kind of, yeah. Yeah. That's true. I'll do something big for my birthday. I'll tell you that. When is that? What month? May 29th. May 29th. All right. Listen, meemaw, enough of that lesbian fuckery. Let's get a guest on here. Let's play some Had It or Hit It. Let's find out what she's had it with. Let's welcome to I've Had It, Michelle Collins. She is a comedian.

and a television host, Michelle. Welcome to I've Had It. Michelle, how are you? Ladies, I have never been better. I am so thrilled to be here. I honestly adore both of you so much that this is really an honor to be able to chat with you guys. Hi. That is so nice. Thank you. Hi. Well, you know, I don't want you to be in too good of a mood because this is a place that I like to call a dumpster truck of petty grievances.

My tombstone. You know, I think it's we've found that it's incredibly, incredibly important and cathartic.

to just kind of release these petty tensions that build up because I don't think there's anything more infuriating than seeing somebody's uber curated social media page. Because you know in between each perfectly curated post, there is a shit storm there. And that's what I'm interested in. I want that content.

ask away. My shit storm is out front, ready to be discussed. I just came from the hair salon to try to fix a shit storm that happened to me a few weeks ago. And this is sort of the result, as you can see, but I have a lot of hair problems and I'm willing to throw everyone under the bus. So anything you need to know, you ask.

But I live in Amsterdam and Amsterdam is not a place known for beauty. They don't have a Sephora. The people there are naturally beautiful. Can you imagine? No. No Sephora. I love Amsterdam. You know, I think they are the tallest, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world. That's why I moved there. I'm not even being funny. I got a visa. I got a visa based solely on my skeleton. They were like, we have to let this big bitch in. Look at her. She's huge. She's got to be. How tall are you?

I'm six foot one. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, tell us what you've had it with in general. Well, you know, it's funny because I'm in Miami now for a week. I'm visiting. This is where I'm from. I don't know. Have you ladies been to Miami or no? Yes. It's been a long time. I have, but I have been there.

Do you have strong opinions about it? I actually really like Miami. I've been there quite a bit and I like it. It's a big international city. It doesn't seem like Florida. Yeah, it definitely doesn't. The issue I have with it is that everyone here, I don't think mortality exists here. So when you drive, for example, even driving, speeding home to do this, people don't respect life. They drive as though accidents don't happen. There's everyone here has a death wish, but coming back to America,

You know, what are the things that I love? Costco, right? Like I love going to Costco. I love going to Zara, to my shops, because Target, because we don't have that where I live. So I like to like engage in a consumer culture. What I don't like and what I have had it with are return lines and the amount of abuse that we as customers are willing to accept from

because we want to return something. And I feel like every place, especially Zara, Zara especially has, I always joke that they're going to find my skeleton on a Zara return line, like in 127 hours or going up Everest. You see people with their like walking sticks. Yeah. For me, that's an issue. And I love to return. It's my second job. I like to shop and I like to bring back. See, and so I just...

Go on. I don't. I prefer not to buy something if I think I'm going to have to return it. And I probably have a closet full of shit that I've bought that I'll never wear. But I just don't want to go through the hassle of returning. I can't believe you're a big returner.

literally ship it to me with the receipt. My pleasure to return it to you. I'm not being funny. You tell me the shops, I'll bring it back. They'll be like size six. I'll say, I know I thought I could give it back. They will not even care. I like it because this is shows you how slow and boring my life is. It gives me something to do during the day. Like I like going out and buy the stuff, but I feel like you have to come home and like really

See it in your house before knowing if it's something you want to keep what's what's it like the difference like living in Europe which You know for me when I go there it just seems like they are a little bit calmer Americans like you can always spot the Americans when you're in Europe because we're incredibly loud There's a lot of yelling There's a lot of screaming with Americans and I'm not even talking about angry yelling But you can always spot the American table and they seem to like

There's a there's a ability to kind of just like walk and calm down and enjoy culture. We're here. It is like, let's fucking go. What else? Capitalism. What's it like transitioning from kind of like this European life to

back to the fuckery that is American life. It is fuckery. You pretty much nailed it on the head. I feel like once my flight crosses the Atlantic, I turn into Michael Jackson and thriller. I'm in a red leather jacket and I'm ready to kill somebody. I'm ready. The moment it's wheels down in Newark, I'm at Hudson news. I'm tearing through Hudson news like a, an animal essentially. And,

For me, it's interesting because I actually love it. I was in New York last week doing some work and I like going into a place where people are friendly for me because I like to, I'm annoying. I like to talk to people. I like to connect. That's a positive thing for me. And the one thing I think that makes New York still to this day, even though it's dealing with a lot doable is that the people for the most part are friendly. People want to connect. You want to learn about someone's life. The Dutch in particular are so unkind.

unlike that they do not care about you they're not warm at all they customer service not that i'm you know god knows what but they don't it does not exist there is just zero uh sugar coating in that country and sounds fantastic i could kill it you would love it god that sounds great oh

You would thrive there. Your directness and just not having to get to know anyone. That's a goal of mine. Like I don't want to know anyone, nor do I want any additional information with the exception of possibly knowing about your pet dog. Other than that, I'm not interested in any of it. And I'm finding it more difficult to even feign interest.

at this stage in my life. I used to could feign it and I could put on like superficial charm and be effusive. I'm really struggling with that. What do you think that is? Do you think it's just every year that goes by the facade? I feel this with me, like the facade starts to crack away and it's just boring after a while or what is it? And then I also think I just, I've leaned into bitter. I've just leaned into bitter and I've started embracing it. You know, like

I know you don't really want to know this about me and I don't really want to know this, but I wish you the best. And I know you wish me the best, but can't we just not do this? Can we not have this conversation is kind of how I think that's beautiful. Yeah, I do too. I love that. You're like the reverse live, laugh, love. You're like die, cry and hate. Get the fuck away. You need to make a sign. Die, cry, hate.

I find there's beauty in that. Honestly, I think you would, I'll tell you one thing about dogs. Cause I also love pets. And again, I'm myself like a golden retriever. So when I see people walking a dog, I'm like, Oh, like a Corgi. Well, how am I not going to go up to it and touch it?

They're not Amsterdam. They will not acknowledge you. They will not make eye contact with you. So it's almost like being in the champagne room with pets. Like you see these adorable animals, but you can't touch them. You can't even smile. You know, then you smile at the owner like,

I see what you're doing and I'm loving it. Right. You won't get a return smile. Really? But see, I relate to this because my dogs are incredibly attractive. Okay. I just want to say that at the top of this statement. They are, they really should have been in shows. I should have put them in pageants or dog shows if I had more time, but I just didn't get around to it. It's a huge regret of mine.

But when I'm out walking my dogs, you can imagine with their attractiveness, a lot of people come over to us. And I always think, don't come. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to my dog. So I think I could really fit in well in Amsterdam. It sounds like that's where you need to retire. I'm tall. You're tall. You're blonde. I'm not religious at all. Very progressive. How tall are you, may I ask? 5'10".

Oh, the perfect height. Yeah. You really killed it with that. Just God bless you. Cause you can do the heel without people fleeing when you enter a room. And I, I long for that feeling. Like I wish I could do it. I hear you with the dog thing. I don't have any pets because I'm too frightened of loss. So I just tend to be, it would, I think kill me, but I agree when I see creeps going, cause I'm like nice. And I always ask, you know, before petting an animal, but I can imagine if someone creepy came over, I also would be like, do not lay a hand.

I would be a terror is the truth. So I really think I'm a complete hypocrite on it. Like, I don't want people to come touch my dog. But if I see an attractive dog out, I'm right up to it. I'm like, and Kylie, our executive producer and I, when we're on tour, we wave at dogs like we both go. Hi, not to the owner, but to the dog. Hilarious. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, being

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. What else have I had it with? I don't know. I feel like that's definitely a start. Yes. But I'm very bitter too. I'm trying to not be so bitter because...

i don't know i feel like then it just doesn't it weigh down your day a little bit when you find like i have to push myself sometimes to not feel that way you know i think that it's it's kind of like this and i think a lot of you and in all seriousness you the listener all of us there are certain things that we're bitter about and of course i play the most bitter on this podcast but in general i'm really pretty happy with with people i think there is this overall global angst that we've had since covid

exacerbated by positivity culture on social media, which seems so divorced from reality, which can

You know, you want to watch it, but also you get irritated by it. But I think we are all experiencing too much of each other because of social media. We aren't meant to know this much about everybody, about every vacation they go on, every single thing they do. I think we are getting overexposed to each other as a species. Absolutely. 100% agree. I actually can't open TikTok anymore.

Because when the app just opens, I'm immediately Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys. Like my eyes are flickering. I can't, it activates something within me that is no question unhealthy. And so I do like the old people thing where I watch it on Instagram. But my screen time is, my screen time is so high that I'm telling myself it's because I use Waze. I'm like, well, I don't know how to do it.

Stop being funny. I'm like, well, I drove today. So that's why it's nine hours and 30 minutes. But like, I am, I am really in a bad place with the phone and the toxic positivity, especially when you're in comedy or even in this world of podcasting, whatever. You're absolutely right. It is.

It is tough when you see people who you know are like kind of the biggest assholes you've ever met in your life. - Totally. - And no one knows that about them. And they're just like, you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And you're like, no, this person is horrendous. - Right. - Terrible person. - This is not a horrible, how many comedians have you met? I hope not me, but maybe where you're like, this person could drop deep and I would not shed a tear. They're horrible.

You know, that's most people I feel in comedy. So I don't know. I agree. I want to talk about the red light district in Amsterdam. Okay. I remember one time I was there and I was on a, on a boat, on a canal going on a tour and this boat driver that was giving us the tour and he's like, okay, and here's the red light, red light district, blah, blah, blah.

And there's this sex worker that's being walked to the door and I can see it from the canal. And this guy like kisses her and hugs her. And I was like, oh, is that like her customer? And he goes, no, that's probably her husband. And I'm like, her husband is dropping her off at work. And then she goes in and is the sex worker. And then.

goes back home. And like, that was wild to me. And maybe, you know, I'm not a religious person, maybe it's the, you know, but I was raised in Puritan America. So I get how all of us can be a little bit more inhibited about stuff like this. Americans can be, especially we live in the Bible Belt. But do you have any juicy red light district stories? Well, I've never partaken nor worked there. Yeah.

with the way my podcast is going, you know, give it a year, depending on the Patreon numbers, it may happen. But I went, the first time I went to Amsterdam, I remember my friend and I were walking because we had to walk through it. It's like, that's what you do when you go there. And I think in my mind, because I watched the HBO hit documentary, Pimps Up, Hose Down, I had some clue, if you recall, a hit documentary. I had some ideas to what I thought sex workers looked like. And also, you know, you kind of,

I hate to say it here in this country, there is a judgmental air about sex work. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. There shouldn't be, but there is. Right. And I guess I was expecting them to look a certain kind of way. And then we were walking and these women were supermodels. I mean, they were a 5'10", perfect tits, perfect bodies, blonde. I'm sure were not Dutch. They were probably brought in God knows from where and hopefully with their consent, you know.

But in my mind, I thought if these women went to New York within three months, they would be married to Harry Dubin. Like they don't have to do this. They can get a ticket to America and find some banker and live their best life. So that was part of it that I thought, do they know that they could have like a 90 day fiance situation, but maybe they want to do it. I don't know. Right. But I will also say that there's a second red light district that I didn't know about

not in central Amsterdam, but in an area called De Pijp. And I went to look at an apartment like six months ago and I was walking down along a beautiful canal and there was a woman in the window with like a bra and underwear on right in the window. And the thing about Dutch culture, people have their shades open. My every neighbor knows every dimple in my ass. They know my Aerie brand, hipster XLs, they know that. So

So I thought, wow, she's really bold, like just standing. And then the next window, there was another woman in like a corset. And I thought, oh, my God, this is and I Googled it. And there's a second red light district in this area that I assume is cheaper, I hope. So it's like the B team. It's the B team. It's the B team red light district. Oh, man. The B team. That's probably where we'd be. That was tough. Oh, we'd be totally. I'd be in the Meemaw sex life district. Yeah.

You would be in the Hague. I want to be a sex worker in the Hague. I want to get some international clientele. You know, let's bring some politicians. I want all the juicy details of all that shit. That I could get down for. I want to have like war crime pillow talk. What's happening there? Okay, let's play a game called Hat It or Hit It. Oh my God. Welcome to Hat It or Hit It. I would hit it. Hat it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Here's one of our favorites that we'll just never quit whistleblowing on. Had it or hit it, gender reveal parties. So funny, because you're going to laugh. It's your psychic. The woman who did my nails had her gender reveal party Sunday. No one cares but me. I have to put it out there. I believe in science. You know, as someone who doesn't want children, as someone who doesn't want kids...

I don't care what people do. You want to have a gender reveal. I find it funny. If you want to shoot a cannon into the sky and then half your party gets, you know, hit by shrapnel, you can laugh. I mean, I feel like people can, I don't know. I don't really mind them. I just feel like it's also a bit archaic. Like my family, we, I don't know. They didn't do it in our generation, this kind of reveal. It's like be happy of a healthy child and call it. Right. Right. You don't have to risk. I guess had it.

Yeah, had it. Okay, had it or hid it. Big fake eyelashes. Oh, had it. Listen, unless you're Janice from the Muppets, I'll allow because I can't otherwise. She's the only one I'll let get away with it. It is so I actually think it's unattractive. I think pretty women are making themselves look cheap and attractive.

with these thick, it's horrible. I can't even look at people with it. See, I'm going to hit it because I get mine done every two weeks on the dot. It's the only appointment I never miss. Yours are appropriate though. You don't think they're too much? No, yours don't look fake. They don't look like drag lashes. I think their exception is the Muppet in which you referred to.

Drag queens. Drag queens have great lashes. And advanced age closet lesbians like pumps here with no eyelashes whatsoever. No, I look like a hairless cat without it. Those are the exceptions that we can make to the drag lash rule. Other than that, I've had it. It's so specific and yet inclusive. Honestly.

A beautiful heart you have, whether you like it or not. That's right. Hats or hit it, oat milk. I've never hit it with oat milk because I myself have two massive natural breasts promoting my tour, the big natural tour. I'm not an oat milk person. I just, I think everyone has allergies because we're limiting ourselves to all these weird things. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't get it. I'm over it. I, yeah, I don't, I don't like nut milk, any sort of nut milk at all. Somebody, we went over this recently on a podcast and somebody was like, I was like, I just don't think you can milk a nut. And they're like, well, it's weird to drink cow milk. And I'm like, yeah, as you say that, that probably is weird, but that's the kind of milk I want. I want cow milk. Right. I want cream in my coffee. That's real cream.

I like the stronger taste. Yeah. But I'm not worried about organic or preservatives and all that. So it's no surprise that I wouldn't go off on a healthy milk. I kind of am worried about organic and preservatives. Yeah, you are way more than me. Even when Dylan was little, you did organic milk. Well, if you've read even just a tinge of it, the hormones, and she can attest to this now that she is a European.

Yes. A Euro. A Euro. An expert. An expat. She can attest that all the hormones that are put into American milk and all the preservatives

I mean, there's a reason why we're the most obese country in the world. And it is exactly what we put into our mouths. And so, yeah, I think the chemicals and all that. And did you know, in Europe, all of their foods are far more regulated to be safer than they are here because capitalism reigns. You are falling prey to big food, big corporations, and I've had it with pumps. Can I?

Can I say one thing about the food thing? Cause I love junk food and I love Taco Bell and all this stuff. I've gotten so used to how bad fast food tastes there because it is more natural. And so like their subway sandwiches, even the sauces are creamy or I can't explain it. They just not as fake and as good that now when I have American fast food, I got a crunch wrap Supreme, which I,

Basically, I call a sauce diaper. So I had my sauce diaper the other week, which I love. And it tasted like glue to me. I can't explain it. It's like you were so used to it here. And believe me, I'm not a skinny person. I don't care about preservatives. It's just you really do taste the difference. It's strange. What happens to your stomach when you come back to the United States? Yeah.

Funny you mention it because I was a little backed up in New York for like three days. And then I think I essentially broke the plumbing in my parents' apartment complex. I don't know what that says about America, but something happened. Okay. Had it or hit it, Beyonce. Listen, I hit it.

it with Beyonce. I love her. I'm sorry. I'm not even a country person. When you have the most talented, most beautiful woman on the planet, who is also a shrewd business woman. Her husband is a genius. I love her children. I don't see any flaws with this woman. And I think people looking for flaws need to get their head checked and like look within because something is up. Agree. A hundred percent agree. Look within. Okay. I just want to leave you all with this. Okay. Yeah.

How great is it that right now you've got Taylor Swift and Beyonce who are both low key fucking with the right wing of American politics. Not even trying. Yeah. And they're just all stirred up, wound up like a cheap clock, Illuminati, all this crazy shit. And I fucking love those girls. I fucking love it. I wasn't a Swiftie before, but as soon as she started pissing off all the Trumpers, I'm all chips in and I've always loved Beyonce. Beyonce is just the queen bee for a reason. Oh, did

Did you see her show? Did you go to Renaissance? No, I watched the movie or video, whatever it was. The movie was great. Yeah, it was really good.

Ladies, I know we just met, but if she indeed does go to the Sphere in Las Vegas, let's meet there. And I'm serious. I would spend, I don't even know. Money is no object when it comes to that show. I'll go. I saw her twice on Renaissance, once in Amsterdam, and I flew to Warsaw, Poland. I don't recommend it outside of Beyonce. And they did have a great Zara sale. Say nothing. I did get some good stuff at the Zara there. Say nothing. Everyone's skinny. I have to go to places where people are skinny to find my double XLs. It's a tip to the plus.

listener. Anyway, the point is one of, if not the best show I've ever seen. So good that you watch it and you think how could, even if there were 25 people working on it, how could they put all of these ideas together and make it this cohesive show that just everywhere you looked, you felt something, you saw something. It had a message, obviously her talent, the music, the dancers, the outfits. It was an overwhelming sensory experience. And I,

please next tour. You have to see her. I mean, let's be a throuple. Let's throuple it up. Let's be Dutch. Let's be ex-Pattish and pumps again. We will let you have, I'm going to pass on the lashes in moderation. You can have the lashes. I don't see them on the zoom. You look both look beautiful to me, so I can't see any lash issues. You're welcome. Okay. Michelle, tell our listener where they can find you and what you have going on in your world.

Well, I do a daily show, which by the way, would love to have you girls on. I will be on time hair to die for. You don't know the real me. This is not the real me today. Anyway.

I have a daily show on Patreon. It's called the Michelle Collins show, a different co-host every day. They can go to patreon.com slash M I C H C O L L Mish call a free trial, et cetera. You know, the drill. And then I'm going on tour end of April, beginning of May, eight cities around New York of New York. Goodbye. I'm fine around America. Also in New York.

We're doing town hall, but Beverly Hills, Portland, Atlanta, all around Pennsylvania, Chicago. So go, you can go to MichelleCollinsLive.com and get tickets. It's a really fun show. I sing, I wear gowns. It has a slideshow and stories. It's fabulous. How fun. That sounds wonderful. We should try to sing and wear gowns and stuff. I mean, we would have no listeners. We cannot sing for shit. I think we have about 10 listeners right now. That would be the end of it. That would be the end of I've had it.

I actually know that's a lie. If we started singing, that would be the nail in the coffin. Wait, is this why I don't have more listeners? Hold on. Wait, wait.

You've really opened my eyes, ladies. Thank you. Really. That's hysterical. I had the best time. Thank you. I really would love for you guys to come on the show. Thanks, Michelle. Absolutely. Anytime. We'd love to be on. Thank you so much. So enjoyed meeting you and having you on. You're our kind of gal. Enjoy. No, and I knew that. I will. And I hope. No, and I knew it. I said, we're going to meet and we're going to click. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. It was really thanks for coming on. Bye. Thank you. Bye, guys.

i love her she's great i would love to go see beyonce with her i mean she knows it all you know uh her being on patreon reminds me on our patreon we have post shows after each and every show wherein you and i are really unhinged right more so than what we are on the regular podcast which is hard to believe so that's pretty good nobody likes watching crazy as much as we do um

But God, I really liked her. You know, fun for her to move to Amsterdam. That's a dream of mine to like just as soon as my kids are grown, just go live abroad for like a year or two. And Amsterdam sounds like the perfect fit. Yeah. Okay. I do have a story about Amsterdam. When my girlfriend and I went...

We backpacked. So that's the only time I've been there. And we went to the sex museum. They have a whole sex museum. And the image that I cannot get out of my head was a picture of a woman that had weights, like 25 pound weights in her clitoris. And then it pulled it down and it shows you the whole thing. And I was just like, wow, that hurt. Doesn't that sound awful? Never forget that. It's been like 30 years ago.

Yeah, it really has been 30 years. Oh, Meemaw. I bet that's still some PTSD. That shocked out Meemaw right in the face. That made me have to like hold myself. That hurt. It's just Meemaw, that PTSD. All right. Listen up, listener. Join us on Patreon. We have brand new merch. Which is super cute. It's adorable. It launched. The link is in our bio. The link for our hot shit tour is in the bio. The link for everything that you need to be more attached to us is

The link is in the bio. Everything, all roads lead to the bio. Pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.

Hi, Cips listeners. Today I'm sharing everyone's favorite lunchtime indulgence, the double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald's. It's the go-to that keeps you full and energized for the rest of the day. It's not just a meal, it's a whole experience. You know it's fresh when you feel that heat through the bag. For those of us who know burgers, the McDonald's drive-thru is all about the double QPC. When those burger cravings hit, nothing comes even close.

Get a drip that's as far as your drip when you order a double quarter pound with cheese at McDonald's. Fresh beef at participating U.S. McDonald's excludes Alaska, Hawaii, and U.S. territories.